#telling myself I can’t drop out 4 days before graduation because my kids need grades

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Do I even need this stupid baka degree

[yikesharringrove]

Hello! i don’t think i’ve given you any of my weird headcanons in a hot minute so here’s a new favorite! Steve with ADHD, at first nobody notices it, he gets along well enough as a young kid people just think he has an active imagination, when in real it y he just can’t pay attention. He’s in 5th grade when his teacher pulls him out of class and tells him he needs to start paying attention, Steve almost starts crying as he tries to explain to her that he just can’t, that it doesn’t work (pt.1)

(pt.2) so the teacher tells him to stay back after class that day, he totally forgets and almost ends up leaving just further probing her suspicions. She asks him to extol in what he means, he doesn’t know what to say, says that too many things are happening for him to pay attention in class, and that sometimes if he hears another teacher he’ll end up listening to that, or if he can look out a window he’ll get distracted, and she already knows what’s going on, calls his parents for a meeting

(pt.3) So his mom comes in, his dad “could make it” but that works out for steve because his mom actually gets him tested, and his test comes back positive so he has to take meds now and sure his grades aren’t the best but they are so much better and he can actually sit in class and focus, but randomly in his sophomore year tommy finds the pills and makes fun of him and he gets so embarrassed that he just stops taking them, and his grades drop bad and he can’t focus and he feels like shit 

(pt.4) he goes around like that for a while feeling lost and distracted but refusing to take his meds and be lame, he only starts taking them again after nancy breaks up with him because he needs to focus on something that isn’t the break up, but they aren’t working well which is to be expected he hasn’t taken them in more then a year, so he ends up totally freaking out and that’s how billy finds him, sitting on the bathroom floor with the WORST headache he’s ever had and he takes pity on him

(pt.5) billy and steve were kind of friends after the fight they had talked and worked things out, not super close but enough to not be so weird around each other anymore, so billy takes him home and makes sure he gets new meds and makes sure he keeps taking them and on days when he can tell steve is space and distracted and clearly forgot he’ll drive to his house and make him take them, and steve will bitch and moan but he actually loves that someone cares enough to make sure he’s ok

(optional pt.6) billy realizing he really likes steve when steve is talking about a special interest and getting super happy and he just can’t help but feel in love with him (is this totally based off my expletive with adhd? yes it is! is this the exact way my hug said she realized she love me? yes it is 🥰)

Hi! I have another one of your AMAZING headcanons in my drafts still, I’m working on it I’m sorry I’m the slowest writer ever.

So, I think I’ve said this, but ADHD makes A LOT of sense for Steve. I don’t have ADHD, so I’m sorry if this is in accurate, I did some research, didn’t want this to be like, bad.

Also, I put him on Ritalin for timing purposes and bc it can cause panic attacks. 🤷‍♀️ and his favorite animals are giraffes, goats and lobsters, 3 of my favorite animals.

Read on ao3

When Steve was little, he could never focus on something for longer than ten minutes.

He would be running through the house, leaving toys on the ground when he remembered a game he could play in another room. His nannies would roll their eyes, picking up after him.

When he got to school, it was more of the same. He would get distracted by every bird that he could see outside. He would be in the middle of class, the teacher would say something about giraffes and his mind would race about animals, would think about every country in Africa he could name, would think about whether or not Lithuania was in Africa.

His grades would slip, tests were a nightmare when he got caught up watching a bee buzzing near the window, only to realize he had answered three questions and only had eleven minutes left.

He was always a poor student, until fifth grade.

Mrs. Wilson had called him up after class, had noticed him zoning out and was about to chide him when she noticed the tears in his eyes.

“I just, I don’t know what happens, sometimes, my thoughts go too fast for my own brain and I can’t focus.” He was sniffling across from her.

“Steve, I’m going to have a chat with your parents. You’re not in trouble, but I think we can help you.” She smiled as she pat his shoulder, letting himself get collected before going to his next class.

She called his parents in at the end of the day, his mother sitting in the seat next to Steve, the principal joining them.

“I’ve noticed some trends in Steve’s school work and his presence in class. We think it may be in his best interest to test him for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We feel that pinpointing the problem for him may be more helpful moving forward.

Mrs. Harrington agreed, waved her hand in a way that said she was bored of the conversation. Steve spent the whole next Saturday going through various tests, was wrung dry by the end of the day, but left with a clear diagnosis.

He began taking a low does of Ritalin, began focusing in class. His grades skyrocketed, getting the very first B+ he had ever gotten on his English essay.

He was okay until sophomore year.

He was an okay student, could focus in class, but not necessarily retain or understand the information.

But then Tommy found the pills, had laughed at him and called him retarded, the word that had haunted him his whole life, spat at him by the father that didn’t care about him.

So he flushed the pills, never refilled his prescription.

His grades slipped immediately. He wasn’t able to focus in class, had gone back to the days of staring out the window and getting confused about why it was called a square root.

He was constantly moving, would bounce his leg, would tap his pencil, would sometimes take the hall pass and just walk.

He knows taking his meds would fix the problem, but he had Nancy know, didn’t want her to know this weakness of his, this shameful secret.

But then he didn’t have Nancy, and his thoughts were racing, jumping from Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to-

He broke down February of senior year.

Graduation was soon as Steve’s grades were ass. He needed to focus on something that wasn’t Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad. So he filled his old prescription, took the same does he had two years ago and went to school.

When he was first put on the meds, he was told panic attacks and anxiety could be a side effect. He had never experienced that before, but now, now he lived in constant anxiety, and with his Ritalin, he was a mess.

He had locked himself in the bathroom above the gym, the one nobody uses. He was on the floor, trying to ground himself against the wall, trying to think of anything other than Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, demodog, demodog, demodog-

“Pretty Boy?”

Billy was in front of him, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Steve.

“B-Billy?”

“You okay? You’re kinda, kinda losin’ it.”

“I, I went off my meds for a, a few years, and I put myself back on them, and it’s, I, I know it’s lame, but they usually help and now-” he sobbed as Billy pulled him into his chest, soothing him softly.

“What meds?”

“Ritalin. It’s for, for ADHD.” Billy huffed a laugh.

“I fuckin’ knew it. The way you talk a mile a damn minute.” Steve’s heart sank. “And it’s not lame. Some peoples’ brains are just, wired different.”

Steve was starting to calm down, the anxiety shoving over into a raging headache. He groaned into Billy’s shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Head hurts.”

“Want me to take you home.” Steve just nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. Billy drove him home, sat with him while Steve called his doctor, made an appointment for next weekend.

Steve had gotten a new medication, adjusted to his current state. The new meds were like magic, allowing Steve to focus when he needed, wouldn’t let him fall into hyperfocus on something that wasn’t productive. He finished senior year on a good note, with okay-enough grades to score his diploma.

He spent the summer at Scoops, working alongside Robin.

Billy came in every day. Would sit with him on Steve’s break. On the days Steve seemed more spaced, he would marrow his eyes, would say you didn’t take your meds today, would drive to Steve’s house to get them for him, would make sure he took them, would take drinks out of Steve’s hands at parties, would make sure he wouldn’t do anything to interfere with them, would dread the days he would find Steve nauseous from the meds.

Bonus:

Steve realized he was in love with Billy when he found out Billy starting keeping a small store of Steve’s meds in his car, would update them periodically to make sure they were safe, effective.

Billy realized he was in love with Steve when he was talking about every animal he could name. He showed Billy the small library of books he had bought for himself about animals, could explain the difference between kingdom, class, phylum, and genus. Was throwing out Latin names for his favorite animals, giraffa camelopardalis, capra aegagrus hircus, nephropidae. Billy couldn’t help himself, had just leaned over and kissed him, left Steve giggling as they made out.

[moneypedia]

March 27, 2017 By Drew Shepherd

So this post is obviously about depression, but since this is the first one here, I guess I should start by asking, “What is Hunger for Excellence?”

I see it as a tool to build people up. It’s an outlet for me to use what I’ve learned over the years to help others.

I want them to develop a mindset that finds the good in any situation. And I want them to experience the joy I have now without wandering through what I did for years.

That’s why this site exists.

Everything here is for the benefit of others, but in my mind I’m only writing for one person.

I’m writing for “myself”.

Not me personally, but for that one person who’s still where I was in the past. I strive to be the person now that I needed then.

Depression is an experience that’s still fresh in my memory, but now I can say without a doubt that I did more than beat depression…

I conquered it. It’s finished. It’s over.

You may be in the same position I was in back then, and I believe it’s my duty to show you how I defeated this attack on the mind.

So I’ve split this post into two parts with Part 1 telling my personal story, and Part 2 showing a guide that helped me turn it all around.

Now I know you don’t want to listen to someone who has no idea what you’re going through, but I promise, I’ve been there, and I discovered peace that most people can’t begin to understand.

My Story

Today I’m happy to say that I enjoy life. I’m in control of my mental state and I understand how to find real peace and happiness. The only person who can destroy my outlook now is myself, and I refuse to let that happen.

It hasn’t always been this way, though. I used to be one weak kid.

I grew up as an only child in a loving family. And despite my goofy personality, everyone I knew liked me.

I was a promising student and a better than average basketball player. So nothing to complain about really. I was good at everything I did then because, well, I always had been.

But that all changed around high school.

Basketball was getting serious and people on all sides pretty much forced me to transfer schools. So being the naïve kid I was, I left and hoped for the best.

It wasn’t a decision I wanted to make, but it made sense. Opportunities were everywhere. Not just in athletics but as a student too.

I could have a fresh start with a new team, there were plenty of people to meet, and the new school was on the popular side of town.

The problem was, I didn’t have a mindset close to what I needed to make that change. I thought I was entitled to any form of success. And why not? Everything I touched turned to gold before then.

I was paralyzed when I saw things wouldn’t be so easy. All I could think about on the court was keeping up with the new guys. I remember practices where my hands were literally shaking because I felt so much pressure to perform.

This lack of confidence led to a quick loss of my teammates’ respect. And I was even denied my favorite jersey number, 22.

My fear sabotaged any attempt I made to improve. Couple that with the knee injuries I sustained during the year, and it’s easy to see why I was cut after one mediocre season.

It was the first time I had ever been dropped from a roster, and that drove everything else downhill.

But the worst part about it was, I wanted to be cut.

By then I just didn’t care. A game I loved became a chore to me and I hated every minute of it.

I wish I could say I tried my hardest and failed. I wish I could say I was sad when I didn’t see my name on that list.

But I can’t. And that still hurts the most.

Downhill

If you’ve ever been robbed, you know how vulnerable it makes you feel afterwards. The fact that someone entered your place and took what you worked for makes you feel helpless.

Well I let fear rob me of what I had loved since childhood, and I was stuck in a place where I didn’t belong afterwards.

It was all embarrassing.

It changed the way I viewed myself and I didn’t look others in the eyes anymore. People looked in my direction and it was like they saw right through me.

I became a very cynical person around that time—definitely not someone you wanted to be around. The few friends I had back then picked up on it and of course they turned away.

Watching friends turn their backs on me led to bitterness on my end, but with the way I was acting, I don’t know how anyone could have tolerated me.

I second-guessed my interactions with everyone. Why wouldn’t others see me as a failure if that was how I viewed myself?

My attitude led me to believe that no one could relate to me. And being one of the few, if not the only black kid in my classes confirmed that belief in my mind.

But even the high grades I always earned started to slip. I went from being an overachiever in the classroom to just being good enough to keep my parents off my back.

And with the teenage hormones on top of that, I lost all confidence. Classmates asked me how the chemo was going to treat the “tumors” I couldn’t control, and that nearly broke me.

I told my parents about all this so they would understand why I was falling apart. But they only gave the “just be yourself”, “be friendly to others”, “it’ll just work out” advice you get from well-meaning people. Besides, kids from Christian families weren’t supposed to deal with this kinda stuff.

All of that frustration took its toll on me, and I remember looking in the mirror to see my own scowl in the reflection.

But soon my eyes dulled and a blank gaze replaced the grimace that was there before. And I stopped caring about everything.

Escape

Since I didn’t know how to cope with any of this, I tried to escape. I was smart enough to avoid alcohol and drugs back then, but I had to find something.

Food was one source I used to fill my void. I ate any and everything, whenever I wanted, and soon I was unrecognizable after gaining 40 pounds.

Videogames were the other route I took. I enjoy playing them now in the rare chance I have free time, but back then it was go to school, eat, and play games.

Gaming was one activity I was still good at, and people appreciated me when it was time to play. It was one area where I didn’t feel useless—like I actually had something to offer.

But soon it got to the point where I was playing till early morning every day. My eyelids barely opened in class but it didn’t matter to me. The hint of joy I got from playing outweighed everything else.

But my mind wasn’t satisfied with those forms of escape.

Some of the lowest points I remember were on the drives home from school. I saw cars in the other lane driving towards me and the thought of “what if…” kept popping up.

I even imagined what my funeral would be like. And I smirked and teared up at the thought of my parents sitting alone in the empty pews.

But while I never seriously considered suicide, I still couldn’t stop the thoughts. I just knew I needed a way out.

That’s why I started counting the days till graduation. My environment had to be the cause of all this. It couldn’t have been me.

Enough

Graduation came and went, and guess what? Nothing changed.

If anything my first few years in college left me more isolated. My parents weren’t around anymore and plenty of new strangers saw how lonely I really was. I would hear chuckles in class and I always thought people were taunting me.

The transition to college coursework didn’t help either. I had never felt that…dumb before. I lost any trace of being a great student and I was in danger of losing my biggest scholarship.

My list of failures kept growing and growing. My high school experience was a disaster. I couldn’t make or keep any friends. And now there was a good chance that I would need thousands of more dollars to stay in school.

That was when I had enough.

I hated the mess I was in. I knew that if I lost that scholarship, my fall from wherever I was at before would have been complete.

Basketball, high school, former friends, I knew none of that mattered anymore but I was still hurting. I just wanted to enjoy my last years before the “real world”, and yet I couldn’t.

I knew I needed to change but I didn’t know how.

Comeback

So what did I do next?

I did the same thing I’d advise you to do if you’re ready to change.

I made a decision. A decision to commit to excellence. I wanted to do better in every part of my life.

So I chose to:

Embrace my faith

Craft an undeniable work ethic

Get in the best shape of my life

And love others but not be devastated if I was alone

I was sick of the life I was living. I didn’t know how to turn it around but I knew I had to stop accepting it.

And that decision was what led to change within the next few years:

My grades shot up to the top of the class

I lost those 40 pounds and got into better shape than my playing days

I formed satisfying relationships that I never thought I would see again

But most importantly, I found peace that others couldn’t begin to understand.

“Well that sounds great Drew, but how could you possibly help me?

Weren’t you just a loser in school? You didn’t get fired from your job. You didn’t lose one of your loved ones. Your family wasn’t torn apart by divorce…”

You’re right. None of that happened to me.

I was just a kid who let a few disappointments grow into a lingering depression. But I told my story to relate to how you may feel, not to have a woe-is-me pity party where we see who’s lived the worst life.

It’s okay to be disappointed. Things won’t always go your way. But you can’t let a temporary defeat turn into permanent failure like I did.

I wasted 4 years of my youth being an empty shell because of that mistake. And that’s no way to live life.

Make Your Choice

Again, this all comes down to what you choose.

If you don’t want to work to change your situation, and all you want to do is complain and hope it magically ends…

Then I can’t help you. No one can.

But…

If you’re done living like this, and you’ve committed to making a change…

Part 2 is for you.

You’re ready to turn things around, and I won’t get in your way.

-Drew

[never-not-ever]

Can you share your story with us? You can do it ❤️

Thank you! It wasn’t that bad… The 8th graders this morning were paying attention which was nice but no one asked questions in the end so it was like a little awkward lol. But after that at the high school I was a part of 5 periods where the kids would shuffle in and me and my co peer mentors would sit at the front like a panel. Since there was a bunch of us we didn’t all have to present each time but I ended up doing mine twice!

Also just to preface this, my story is not the full story. The first draft I sent to the coordinator was like 10x long and over time we shortened it and tried to not make it as descriptive/triggering… but here ya go!

“Freshmen year of high school, I was sitting in class joking with my best friend about how it was going to be my last day in school. I had an annual physical with my doctor later that afternoon. This was my first doctors appointment since I started self harming. Back then I thought that the second she saw my arm I was going to get taken away by two men in white coats. I didn’t go to a psych ward that day. Instead, she asked me if I was okay and I replied “I’m fine, it was a stupid thing I did, I promise I won’t do it again”. She handed me a little white card with the name and phone number of a therapist. I often wonder what would have happened if I actually called that therapist and got help back in high school. Would the self harm have stopped? Would the suicide attempts have been prevented? Would I have graduated from college by now? Who would I be if I got help back then?

I think I had a pretty normal childhood. I didn’t have a mom and a dad but I had my Nana and my Aunt. My Nana got custody of me when I was 2 and she and my Aunt raised me my whole life. My Aunt was like my mother and everywhere we went people thought I was her daughter. I have no memory of my father. He was an alcoholic and left before my mother lost custody of me. My mother has her own problems with mental health as well as a drug addiction. We tried to have a relationship but as I grew up I saw who she really was. By the time I turned 15 I wanted nothing to do with her and I haven’t spoken to her since.

Growing up I was really close with my Aunt, she was like a mother to me, a real one. My Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in middle school and she was constantly in relapse and remission. For months it would disappear and then all of a sudden it would come back again. I went to a small middle school with probably about 15 kids in my class. I was the biggest person in my school. At the 8th grade dance all the other girls wore cute dresses and I wore pants and a nice shirt. That wasn’t my style but I was just way too self conscious to ever wear a dress. In high school I was once again the biggest person. I had a couple close friends but I hated being around people, always fearing that they were judging me for my size. I had a friend online who introduced me to self harm. He was always bullied so he starting hurting himself as a way to cope. You see I was never bullied. I was always overweight but no one ever called me names or made fun of me, at least to my face. I was the bully. To myself. I hated the way I looked, the things I said, the way I interacted with other people. I hated everything about myself. I always scolded myself for saying or doing the wrong thing. I started self harming in my freshmen year. Back then I didn’t see a future for myself. I was so depressed that I wasn’t thinking about the consequences I’d later face because of my self harm. My depression, along with my extreme self hatred, turned my self harm into a way to punish myself.

After high school my depression and self harm got worse and I started feeling suicidal. My Aunts cancer was back and had traveled throughout her body. She passed away in April of 2012. She died at home and I watched her take her last breath. Right after she passed I ran up to my room and tore apart the suicide notes and threw away all my self harm supplies all while telling myself “I have to be there for my Nana, I can’t leave her too”. My Aunt’s death made me feel selfish for feeling depressed and suicidal. It made me think of all the people who have it worse and here I was so depressed and wanting to end my life? It didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t choosing to feel this way and I had every right to feel the way I did. It took me a while to realize that but I know now after feeling such joy and happiness I wouldn’t chose sadness and depression, no one would. For a while after my Aunt passed away I thought maybe she was watching over me and so every time I had that urge to hurt myself it was easily pushed away. The day my Aunt died it was like I put this shield up and I automatically started comforting everyone around me so I wasn’t actually grasping the fact that she was gone. Later on that fall I tried to go back to school but my depression got worse and the reality of my Aunt’s death finally came to the surface and so I ended up dropping out. The self harm started up again and it was now a full blown addiction. 

Almost a year after my Aunts death I saw my first therapist and later that summer my first psychiatrist. I spent a year in therapy while working part time. I tried once again to go back to school but for the third time I dropped out. I was severely depressed, self harming and binge drinking alone in my room. I was soon admitted to a psych ward at McLean Hospital. I was there for a week and on the day I discharged I went home and attempted to end my life. The memories of that day will haunt me forever. Back then I didn’t think about how my death would effect the ones around me. When I hear suicide survivors talk about their lost loved ones it hurts to think I could have put my friends and family through that.  

For years after that I started this cycle where I would feel fine, happy even, for months at a time. But then out of nowhere I’d slowly start to feel depressed again and the self harm would start up. Depression looks different for everyone but for me it’s not wanting to get out of bed. It’s pushing away friends and family, always feeling like a burden. It’s staying up until 4 am and not waking up until the late afternoon. It’s binge eating and gaining weight and climbing up past 300lbs. It’s hating everything about yourself and the person you’ve become.

I’ve had to go back to the hospital a couple times since my suicide attempt. There were no scary men in white coats like I had thought. Going to the hospital is needed if you’re in danger of hurting yourself. It’s a place to go if you can’t keep yourself safe. A couple years ago I was feeling suicidal and I vaguely talked about it on Tumblr and thankfully someone called the police. Back then I was so angry at that person but looking back they probably saved my life. During one of my hospitalizations I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which was something I had never heard of before. BPD is a mental illness that consists of intense mood swings, self harm, suicidal thinking, bad body image and impulsive behaviors. 

Finally I reached a point where I wasn’t constantly thinking about ending my life. I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the most successful therapy for helping people like me. This type of therapy can be done outside of the hospital so it allowed me to go back to work and school. It teaches you skills to help manage your emotions, maintain healthy relationships and handle stressful situations. I’ve done many different types of DBT therapy, residential, partial programs, groups and individual therapy. But I’ve finally gotten to a place in my recovery where all I need now is just therapy. It’s become a weekly place to check in and talk about any red flags before they become another spiral.

McLean hospital and DBT have literally saved my life. I mean, I saved my life but DBT taught me the skills to not destroy my relationships and myself. Today I’m in a healthy, stable relationship with my girlfriend and we’ve been together for 3 years. We just moved in together last summer and adopted two little black kittens. Last fall I passed my first classes since 2015 and I know now that I want to work in the mental health field some day. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m starting to feel more comfortable in this new body scars and all. I work full time as a florist manager and I’m now part of this amazing peer mentor organization. I might not be here today if someone didn’t call the police back then. I wasn’t able to reach out for help so I’m grateful that someone else was able to do it for me. It sounds cliche but it does get better and if you had told me that back then, I would have laughed in your face. After 12 years I still have urges to hurt myself and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of the day I tried to end my life and all I want to do is sleep to escape those feelings. But it passes. The urges and the sadness and the hopelessness. It all passes. I think of my cats and how amazing it is to feel the sun on my arms. I think of things that help me chose recovery instead of resorting back to old behaviors and that’s how I know things are different now. Thank you.”

[k-popscenxrios]

Didn’t Ask For This Pt 1 (Roommate!JK x OC)

A/N: Okay look. I can explain why I’m posting yet again another Jungkook series when I already have two... I just really love this man, okay? No one can stop me!

Summary: “I didn’t know you hated me so much,” he spoke as he grabbed my wrist and once again turned me around to face him, “and quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve done anything horrible enough for you to hate me to the degree that you do.” “You say that like the hate isn’t mutual,” I remarked as he shook his head. There was a bitter smile on his face as he took a deep breath, “I think you are quite honestly one of the worst human beings I’ve had to come in contact with.”

6k words | drama ✞ | fluff ♡ | (future) mature themes ✗

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Finale

⇨ Masterlist ⇦

I ran around my apartment like a mad man as I continuously glanced at the clock. I was running out of time very quickly, and I was nowhere near done with everything that I needed done. I had to start choosing between tasks to get done, but I still was running behind.

My brother Taehyung was going to be home in an hour for summer break. Him and one of his college friends were coming back home to stay with me in my three bedroom apartment. I had originally turned down Taehyung’s proposal of staying in the same place for the summer, but I inevitably changed my mind after I realized just how much I missed him being around.

I still wasn’t thrilled about his friend coming to stay with us as well, but they were a package deal. I either agreed to both of them or neither.

“Oh shoot,” I mumbled to myself as I realized I forgot to run and buy food. Those two could just pay for take out or something…

Taehyung was finishing up his third year of college while I was finishing up my first. I had stayed home to go to a local college since tuition is so much more affordable here… That and my grades weren’t good enough to get me into Taehyung’s college.

I didn’t have the worst grades in the world, but I was nowhere near as smart as Taehyung. He was able to get a scholarship to his dream college, and then there’s me who barely got into a smaller college who’s not too picky about grades.

The hour I had left was very quickly over as I felt myself pass out on the couch. I had been cleaning and reorganizing for the last three days to be able to fit the two of them in my spare rooms. I had to go out and buy a bed for the third room so that his friend had a place to sleep, and Taehyung has still not paid me back for the expense.

I jumped up off the couch at the sound of the doorbell as my stomach jumped in excitement. It was finally time. I’d been looking forward to this for the past five months when we first started talking about doing this.

I swung the door open with a smile on my face as I saw Taehyung smiling back at me. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas break, and I was so unbelievably excited to see him again.

“Tae!” I threw my hands around his neck as I pulled him in for a hug. He smiled and laughed in my ear before wrapping one of his arms around me.

“Hey Ari,” he spoke into my hair that was in his face before I pulled away and backed away so that he could walk in. Once Taehyung pulled his bags and such through the door, I noticed the friend that Taehyung had brought. It didn’t take me more than a second for my eyes to widen as I spun around and glared at Taehyung.

He failed to mention that this “college friend” was his friend from high school, Jeon Jungkook. I never really talked with the guy because he always thought he was better than me just because he was older, but I will never forgive the jerk for what he did to one of my old high school friends.

It was our sophomore year and their senior year. I saw Jungkook all the time in the halls, and my friend Soomin would always gush over how “hot” he was. She smiled at him every time he passed us in the halls, but he pretended like he never saw us.

I just thought he was cold and uninterested, but he crossed a line one day during lunch when he practically announced that he and Soomin had sex a couple days prior. I don’t know what his problem was or why he felt the need to shout that to the heavens, but after he did, everyone called her the class slut. That name followed her until we graduated, and she never had a boyfriend for the rest of our high school career because of the rumors people mercilessly spread about her.

Some of the rumors were dumb like that she was pregnant with his kid, but most of them were insanely hurtful to her. People insisted that Jungkook would drive down just to screw her since he “knew she was easy.”

When he was still attending the school, he didn’t do a thing to stop the rumors. He acted as if he never said anything about her at all. I never understood what truly happened between the two of them, but I never forgave him for ruining her high school career.

“Sorry for lying, Ari,” Taehyung scratched the back of his head, “I knew you wouldn’t agree if I told you the friend was Jungkook.”

I put a hand to my forehead as I felt the beginnings of a headache. “That was real low of you, Tae.”

“I can hear you guys,” Jungkook spoke as he walked through the door, “Besides, I don’t even know what the big deal is. Why do you hate me so much? Taehyung doesn’t even know.”

I looked over at the boy and raised my eyebrows. My headache slowly increased in pain as I looked at him. “Does the name Jung Soomin mean anything to you?”

“Oh!” Taehyung’s eyes widened as Jungkook also came to the realization, “I forgot that the two of you were friends. How is she?”

I glared at Taehyung and turned around to gather my thoughts. I was supposed to be having some fun with my brother whom I haven’t seen in forever, yet here I am, upset over him lying to me.

“I haven’t talked to her in a couple months,” I started before I spun around again and tried my best to not glare daggers into Jungkook, “But I will tell you that you ruined her life for the last years of high school. Everyone called her a slut and easy. They even would claim that you would hit her up all the time for a quick one.”

Jungkook looked down and scratched the back of his head in discomfort. I glanced at Taehyung as he just stood there with his mouth slightly ajar.

“Like what possessed you to do something so shallow? Did it even happen? She would never confirm or deny it when I’d ask.” I turned back to Jungkook as he leaned against his luggage by his side.

“Well yeah, it happened.” he didn’t really say anything more as I just looked at him expectantly. Was that all he could say? I asked him multiple questions, not just the one…

“And?” I leaned toward him as he just continued to look anywhere but at me. “Why’d you do it? What could she have possibly done to deserve that?”

Taehyung cleared his throat and scratched his head before trying to change the subject, “It’s been a while. I’m sure he doesn’t remember. Why don’t we go settle in before deciding on dinner?”

I glared at Taehyung as he rushed off and ran into the room that was going to be his room for the next few months. I looked at Jungkook who was trying to make a great escape as well, but I wasn’t about to let that happen. I stood in his way looking at him expectantly as he sighed and gave me a sorry look.

“RaeAri, look,” he sighed and repositioned the bag hanging off his shoulder, “I’m sorry I did a horrible thing to your friend back then. I honestly don’t remember what she did to make me angry enough to do that. I’ve forgotten a lot about high school.”

His words just made my blood boil as I tried my hardest to not shove him right back out the door, “You’re kidding, right? The event was so insignificant for you that you don’t remember anything? I can’t believe you!”

I let out a small laugh as my disbelief grew. This guy was the worst. “You ruined her! She had to spend the next two years of high school being bullied by anyone and everyone just because she slept with you once! If any other girl in the school had been the victim to your stupid stunt, they would have been praised for scoring someone so popular.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do about it now,” he snapped as I took a step closer to him. My anger intensified as I clenched my fist at my side.

“I want you to apologize to her.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows raised in surprise, but I wasn’t kidding. I was being completely serious.

“You want me to apologize to her?” he repeated as I nodded, “I’m not going to apologize for something that might have been justified. She was a crazy bitch to me after we had sex.”

“So you do remember why you humiliated her like you did!” I pointed an accusing finger at him as he held up his hands in surrender.

“No, I just remember that she was annoying. I don’t know what she said or did to make me so mad to do that to her, but I know she had to have deserved it.”

My jaw dropped at his words as he shoved past me with an annoyed expression. I couldn’t believe this guy! Who did he think he was?!

“What an asshole!” I yelled after him, but he ignored me, “Give me one reason on why I shouldn’t kick you out of my place right this second.”

I was infuriated. I may not really talk to Soomin anymore, but I remember what hell she went through like it was yesterday. Why did she have to get herself involved with this guy? I would never in a million years allow myself to get in bed with this guy.

She used to tell me that she thought it would be fun to be with him. She used to gush about him all the time and about how she wished she could go up and talk to him. She really liked this guy, and I hated him for it. He stole her heart and her dignity in one fell swoop.

“You kick me out and Taehyung goes with me,” he yelled in response as I rushed into the room that I had adapted to be his living space. I would tear it all down if I could afford to pay for new decorations and furniture.

“Why does he have to be friends with such an insufferable jerkwad?” I snapped at him as he just shook his head and began unpacking his clothes into the dresser I had paid for with my own money. “And I better be getting a nice $500 from you for the furniture. I can only afford so much balancing school and work like I do.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll get it to you eventually.”

“I want it next week, no later,” I glared as he spun around and tilted his head to the side.

“Listen here, little miss holier than thou,” he took a few steps closer to me. I could tell I was getting him really worked up at this point. “I was going to try and be nice to you since we’re going to be living under the same roof, but let me tell you something.”

I felt myself back away slightly as he took a few steps too close to me. I started to feel my nerves increase when he was so close that I could almost feel his breath on my face.

“I go to a better school than you, I live in a better apartment than you, and my living and school costs way exceed yours. So just take you and your dumb ass on into your room and leave me the hell alone. I’ll get you the money when I get a summer job here.”

I took a deep breath as my blood was simmering. “Taehyung, you’re just gonna let him talk to me like this?!”

I turned to look across the hall into what was now Taehyung’s room as I saw he had slipped earbuds in. He didn’t hear any of that? I stormed into his room and ripped the ear buds out of his ears by the cord as he looked up at me in surprise.

“Your “best friend” just called your sister a dumbass and you’re just gonna sit there and let it happen?!” I slightly yelled in his face as he just looked at me completely dumbfounded.

“Ari, calm down,” he spoke calmly as I tried to listen to him, “Don’t let him rile you up. He says a lot of things he doesn’t mean when he’s angry.”

“So you’re just going to let it happen?” My eyebrows creased as he sighed and looked out his doorway into Jungkook’s room across the hall. Jungkook had disappeared to continue with his clothes as Taehyung just shook his head and rubbed his forehead.

“Kook, could you please not provoke my little sister like this? We’ll all drive each other mad.” he spoke as I smiled and crossed my arms across my chest. I felt very accomplished until Jungkook appeared in the doorway again.

“For the record, she provoked me. I wouldn’t have gotten made if she wasn’t all up in my face like she was,” I rolled my eyes, still feeling like I’d won, “Also, are you 9 or 19? Because you’re acting like a pathetic kid crying to their parents.”

Taehyung snickered at Jungkook’s words as I whipped around to glare at him. “That wasn’t funny.”

“It’s pretty spot on,” he laughed as he stood up to hug me, “I love you, Ari, but you’re being too much of a teenager right now.

I shoved him off of me and ran toward my room that was at the end of the hall. I slammed my door closed as I felt my face heat up. I knew deep down that I was throwing a tantrum like a grade schooler, but I couldn’t really care less. I just needed to get out of the company of this insufferable guy. I just can’t believe he’s living with me for the coming months…

::

I stayed walled up in my room all through dinner and into the night, but as morning rolled around, I was forced out of my room. I was so incredibly hungry due to skipping a meal, but I just didn’t want to deal with Jungkook again for the rest of the night.

I walked out of my room and into the kitchen, and I was immediately met with the smell of the best coffee ever. Taehyung works as a barista during the school months, and I love his coffee. He makes some of the best coffee in the world.

“Can I have some?” I asked, grabbing the coffee pot and walking into the living room where Taehyung sat. He looked up at me from his phone and nodded before looking back down.

I turned around and walked back into the kitchen, pouring me some of the coffee. Just from the smell I could tell that it was going to be amazing.

I walked into the living room and sat next to Taehyung on the couch. I took a sip of the coffee and smiled at the warm sensation rushing down my throat. Taehyung glanced at me from the corner of his eye before sighing and locking his phone.

“Do you only have one bathroom?”

I nodded as I felt a grimace rest on my face, “That’s gonna be a problem.” I hadn’t really thought about it before since I’m only one person. I haven’t had any reason to have two bathrooms.

“Yeah…” he nodded, “Kook’s in the shower right now just to warn you. I wouldn’t want some comical scene happen between the two of you where you run into him after a shower, or worse, walk in on him while he’s getting out of the shower.”

I smacked Taehyung as he just smiled and laughed. “Thanks for the heads up. I can assure you I will be trying my hardest to not let anything like that happen.”

“I’ll make sure he does, too,” he spoke as a glare started to form on his face, “I would kill that bastard if he walked in on you.”

“Good,” I smiled as I leaned my head on his shoulder, “I missed you, Tae… a lot.”

He placed a soft kiss on my head as I closed my eyes, “I’ve missed you, too, Ari. I’m sorry I lied to you about Jungkook. He’s really not a bad guy, he’s just hard to get to know.”

“I don’t plan on getting to know him, just so you know,” I assured as I moved my head off Taehyung shoulder, “I’d much rather spend some time with you. It’s been a while since we’ve really hung out.”

“True,” he nodded before placing his mug on the coffee table in front of us, “We should go do something fun today, my treat.”

My eyebrows creased as I started realizing that I couldn’t do anything with him today.

“I’ve been off of work the past couple days to help get ready for you and Jungkook to get here, so I actually have to work a long shift today.”

“Oh,” Taehyung frowned as I started to feel guilty, “I mean we could always do something another time, I suppose.”

“How about tomorrow? I work early so we could go for dinner or something after I get off,” I offered as Taehyung smiled and nodded. “You could spend today looking for a fun part time job to have for this summer.”

Taehyung rolled his eyes, but he knew it had to be done. These guys did still have a college tuition that they have to pay off eventually. They need all the money they can get.

“Jungkook and I actually both have some job interviews for tomorrow. Not at the same place, but we’re pretty excited.” Taehyung informed as I raised my eyebrows.

“That was fast,” I tilted my head to the side, “did you guys apply before coming home?”

Taehyung nodded and stretched his arms above his head before standing up from the couch. I stood up with him as he continued talking, “Yeah, we figured it would be best to apply a few days in advance. It obviously was a smart move.”

I smiled and nodded, “Where’s your interview?”

Taehyung walked into the kitchen as I followed him and watched him place his mug in the sink. “It’s at the local coffee shop actually. It made the most sense because of what my job is during school.”

“Makes sense,” I smiled and nodded, “You should get me some free coffee if you get the job.”

“Maybe not free but I could discount you,” he winked as I laughed and nodded.

“I’ll take what I can get!”

We stopped our conversation short as I heard the door of the bathroom open up. I felt dread build up in my stomach as Jungkook came into view wearing a white tee and baggy sweatpants. His black hair was falling into his eyes because of how long it became when wet. He moved the hair out of his eyes before looking at me with a questionable expression.

“What?”

I felt my face drain of color as I realized I had been staring at him. What was wrong with me? I was trying to forget that this guy was even here, but my eyes were looking at him as if he were a TV with my favorite show on it.

“Nothing,” I shrugged it off as he scoffed and brushed past me. He opened the fridge and frowned at the lack of contents inside.

“You don’t have anything worth eating in here. How do you survive?”

I slightly glared his way as I moved him away from the fridge and looked inside. I didn’t have much in it, but there was stuff to eat. He’s just too picky…

“If you feel that way, go buy what you want as long as it fits in the fridge,” I shrugged him off as I moved away from the fridge. He sighed and shook his head before looking back into the fridge for something he deemed edible. It was all good food, it was just all healthy choices.

“Maybe I’ll do that and be sure to throw the rest of this garbage away.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I brushed him off as I walked into the bathroom, “I’m going to get ready for work. Don’t bother me please.”

I closed the bathroom door behind me and turned to look at myself in the mirror, horrified to see my cheeks were as red as a beet.

::

It had been just a couple days since Jungkook and Taehyung had moved in and nothing special had really happened besides some bickering between Jungkook and I. I was currently at work waiting for my shift to run out so that Taehyung and I could go out and eat like he promised.

I was walking around my workplace, the local movie theater, trying to keep the hallways clean. I was working with the worst of the three managers today so I had to make sure everything was as clean as it could be.

“Hey RaeAri,” I heard my coworker, Yoongi, call out to me. I looked his way as he held up the schedule that we were supposed to follow for cleaning the theaters, “We only have three more to go until we have an hour and a half long break.”

I nodded and smiled, “sounds awesome to me. Let’s knock them out, shall we?”

I was one of the fastest and most efficient cleaners out of all the employees, and then Yoongi was one of the slowest and terrible when it came to cleaning. He spent more time complaining about the garbage music that the theaters play while we clean them than he did actually doing his job.

“I could write better music than this in my sleep.” he spoke for the 100th time today. I was used to his comments after having cleaned with him on countless shifts, and I’ve learned to tune him out pretty easily.

“The faster you clean the less music we hear from these theaters,” I commented as he smiled and looked up at me. I was cleaning from top to bottom and him vise versa.

“Touche.”

We quickly finished cleaning up the popcorn messes that people left behind, and as I walked down the hallway, I was met with the face of the devil manager as I jumped in surprise.

“Kim RaeAri,” she spoke while looking down at the clipboard she’d been making notes on. She makes notes of almost everything we do whether it be good or bad. One time I caught her writing down when all of us went to the bathroom. She kept a log of when we went in and when we came out, even if we were just in there to clean the stupid rooms.

“Yes ma’am?” I asked as she looked up from her clipboard.

“We have two new hires who are starting tomorrow on cleaning. I want you to train the both of them, so I’m switching your shift with Yoo Jaemi’s.” she informed as I just nodded. I actually didn’t mind training new employees, I just got nervous over if they would be any good or not. If they’re terrible it makes my job harder for the evening.

“Okay,” I nodded and the manager turned around to run off and bug someone else.

“Good luck,” Yoongi mumbled as I poked him with the stick end of the broom in my hand.

“Hey, I trained you. I’ll be fine,” I sent him a smug smile as he just smiled along with me.

“True,” he pulled out the schedule and looked at the number of our next theater, “Off to theater 10, then.”

::

Taehyung and I actually had a nice, stress free time together at dinner, and I could only assume it was because the devil himself wasn’t present. He not only wasn’t invited, but he also had some business to attend to. Even after we came home from dinner, Jungkook still was gone. It was like Christmas morning!

“Did you want to do anything? We could play Wii Sports like the old days,” Taehyung smiled as I felt my excitement growing. I love my big brother to death, and having him home made me nostalgia sick for the days when we were kids. We used to play Wii Sports every day after school. I was always the bowling pro while Taehyung was the tennis pro.

I excitedly booted up the old Wii that I had previously had in a box until a week ago when I was getting things ready for Taehyung to be here. I already had the game inside the console and good batteries were already in the Wii Remotes.

“I’ve been practicing tennis so get ready for your butt to be kicked,” I smirked at the TV as Taehyung just laughed and looked my way.

“You’re on.”

The game didn’t last more than five minutes as he killed my score. He blew me out of the water!

“Your practicing was for nothing my sweet sister,” he grinned at me with his cheesy smile as I just laughed and smacked him with my Wiimote.

“Let’s bowl, then,” I narrowed my eyes at him with a slightly evil smile, “You’ve never managed to beat me. Think you can change that?”

“Sure do,” he narrowed his eyes at me as I nodded and started the game.

Strike after Strike, Spare after Spare… Taehyung didn’t have a chance against me. I was too good at the Wii Sports version of bowling.

“Okay whatever,” he smiled and took the Wiimote safety strap off his wrist, “I’d like to see you beat Jungkook at this. He’s a god at bowling in real life, so I wonder if he’d blow your score out.”

“I doubt it,” I smugly replied, “but we’re not going to figure out because I don’t want to be in the same room as him for that long.”

Taehyung laughed and started to shut the Wii off, “The game only lasts like five minutes. You spent that much time in the same room with him just this morning when you two were glaring at your phones to pretend like you didn’t notice the other was there.”

“And I felt miserable the whole time. Why are you even friends with this guy?” I got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen to get a water bottle. The second I opened the fridge, I was overwhelmed with the amount of food that was packed in the small thing.

“What the…” I mumbled as Taehyung walked into the kitchen with a knowing smile on his face.

It was just filled with junk food and sports drinks.

“Jungkook went a little overboard. We almost couldn’t fit everything in the fridge.”

“Good God,” I rubbed my hand on my forehead, “This is ridiculous. And what is with his food choices? He’s that skinny yet all he eats is this?”

“Yep,” Taehyung nodded and smiled, “Does it bother you?”

I looked at him for a couple of seconds as I felt my eyes narrow. His smile was becoming more and more smug by the second.

“...No,” I mumbled, but Taehyung saw through it, “It’s completely fine and not totally weird and annoying like he is.”

Taehyung just chuckled and nodded, “Noted. I guess I’ll let him shop like this every time, then.”

“Uh huh,” I shoved past him as he just continued to laugh at me, “Lighten up, sis. He’s really not that bad of a guy, okay?”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I retorted as Taehyung followed me back into the living room. Jungkook had impeccable timing as I heard his key unlocking the front door. He pushed the door open as Taehyung and I looked his way. I sat down on the couch and turned the TV to the Netflix app I had downloaded to it.

“Hey Kook,” Taehyung greeted him, but I pretended like I didn’t notice he walked in.

“Hey,” Jungkook responded as he walked back into his room. Taehyung followed him into the back of the apartment as I heard them softly talking to one another.

“Tae, where does your sister work again?” Jungkook asked as my eyebrows raised. I would kill him if he was planning on pulling something while I was on the job. Knowing him, he’d spill his popcorn all over the lobby while looking at me the whole time. He’d probably give me an evil smile before glancing down at the dustpan in my hands, knowing very well that I was about to be the person to clean up his stupid spill.

“She works at the theater,” Taehyung responded as I heard the two of them making their way into the kitchen.

“Huh,” Jungkook let out a small laugh as I heard the fridge close. “Interesting.”

The two of them headed back into the living room as I pretended like I was looking at titles on Netflix and not eavesdropping on their conversation. Jungkook studied me as he took a swig of the sports drink he had a million of in the fridge.

“Do you guys wanna have a movie night?” Taehyung smiled as I gave him a look of disbelief, “We could choose some really terrible movie and make fun of it all night.”

I felt my glare at Taehyung intensify. He knew that I loved watching terrible movies like that and making fun of them the whole time… Maybe Jungkook won’t be interested in the movie and go lay in his room all alone-

“Sounds fun,” Jungkook smiled and plopped down on the smaller couch of the two, “I used to do this with my ex-girlfriend. Remember Jinae?”

“Oh yeah,” Taehyung nodded as he found a seat next to me, “What happened with her, anyway? I just remember that she was over all the time and then suddenly she wasn’t.”

“She was too much for me. Too high maintenance,” I felt my blood boil at the way he was describing this poor girl. “While we did watch horrible movies and make fun of them, she only did it because I liked doing it. It turned out that this girl just pretended that she liked everything that I did just so that I would like her.”

I sealed my mouth shut after Jungkook finished his story. Okay, maybe he was in the right this once.

“Ouch, man. She seemed nicer than that,” Taehyung frowned as he rudely grabbed the remote out of my hand.

“Hey!” I protested his thievery as he just turned his back to face me and kept the remote out of my reach.

“You were too busy staring at Jungkook to pick a movie so I’ll be the one to pick.”

“Sorry?” I tilted my head to the side in disbelief. “I was listening to him just like you were.”

“If that were true, I would be gay,” Taehyung looked at me from the corner of his eyes as I tackled him in annoyance.

“Since when does looking at someone mean that you like them?” I spat as Taehyung just laughed and wiggled me off of him. He turned to me and ruffled my hair causing it to fall in front of my eyes and obstruct my vision. I just groaned and fixed it again.

“I was just teasing you, Ari,” he knocked me with his shoulder but my glare did not falter.

“Well it wasn’t funny,” I crossed my arms across my chest before leaning against the right arm of the couch.

“I disagree,” Jungkook spoke through a smile as I glared at him, “It was pretty priceless. You must hate me really badly, Ari.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped as he just smirked and looked over at the TV. He leaned back and put his hands behind his head.

“I’ll call you what I want to,” he mumbled as I just groaned and gave Taehyung a look of frustration. He just shrugged and looked at the TV to scroll through the endless movies and TV shows.

He finally decided on some “romantic comedy” as I heard Jungkook groan. I found myself quite happy with the choice, and hearing Jungkook’s unhappy noises made me love it even more.

“Really Tae?” he looked over to Taehyung as Taehyung just smiled and laughed.

“I’ve heard this is a trainwreck of a movie. Get ready,” his voice was all serious as if we were about to dive into deep waters. Could this movie really be that bad?

…

“Oh my God are you kidding me?” I found myself saying out loud as I groaned in annoyance.

“I see some glaring plot holes,” Jungkook noted as I nodded in agreement.

“I mean this movie has no direction and it just keeps getting worse and worse,” I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair. This was one of the worst things ever. Not just one of the worst movies, it was one of the worst things in the entire existence of the word.

“Was this written by a middle schooler?” Jungkook spoke in between handfuls of popcorn as I smiled.

“I bet you this was. There’s no other explanation,” I shook my head and hugged the pillow I was holding to me, “I could have written a much better story than this even in middle school.”

“It wouldn’t take much to beat this, Ari,” Jungkook mentioned as I nodded in agreement.

“True…”

Taehyung didn’t say a word almost the whole movie as I felt myself grow concerned and curious. I leaned forward to look at him only to realize that he had fallen asleep laying on the armrest of the couch. I smiled at how young he looked sleeping like that. His face was all squashed up against the couch as I felt myself tempted to pull out my phone and take a picture of him for blackmail reasons.

I was torn away from thinking about Taehyung as Jungkook shuffled on the little couch he was trying his best to lay on. It was hilarious watching him try to fit on the couch with his knees bent so much that he looked like he had to almost fold in half to get any sense of comfort. I felt accomplished at the fact that he was having a hard time simply just laying down, but I was snapped out of it when a loud music track started playing on the TV.

“These song choices are horrid,” Jungkook whined as he rubbed his temples on his forehead, “I want to arrest whoever thought this was a good soundtrack.”

“Agreed,” I spoke, feeling something weird stirring in me. I just agreed with Jungkook? What was wrong with me?

One excruciatingly long and pointless movie out of the way, Jungkook stood up to flip the lights on. It was pretty late in the evening and I had work in the morning.

“I need to head to bed,” I spoke as Jungkook just shrugged me off. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to tell him that, but there was no use in reflecting on the fact that I did.

“Goodnight,” he nodded to me as he watched me walk down the hallway. “Have fun at work.”

I turned around and gave him a weird look at his strange words. ‘Have fun at work’?

“...Okay…?” I responded as he just smiled and looked away from me. That was very odd. Was he actually going to show up tomorrow and make my shift miserable? I guess only time could tell for sure…

::

A/N: You’ll never guess what movie they were watching... :x Thank you for reading~!

⇨ Masterlist ⇦

-Admin Jinnie

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Favorite beverage: Just your good ol’ cold water. If I wanna treat myself I’ll get milk tea. When was the last time you had ketchup? Ooh I don’t remember...it would probably be 3-4 weeks ago. Or whenever the last time we had lumpia was, because I like drowning that shit in ketchup. Have you ever had a red hotdog? Yeah frozen hotdogs is a favorite snack here and they’re usually red. We usually have them for breakfast, it’s served in parties, it’s in every school caf, etc. What is the most recent gift you've been given? So my uncle has his budding cooking business and sells different dishes everyday. His most recent bestseller is burnt basque cheesecake and while I’ve always wanted my own because it looks SO good, I just haven’t had the money to allot for it. I was really surprised when my grandma called me up today and told me she had ordered an entire cake for me as a graduation gift :) I asked my dad to pick it up from her place this afternoon and it’s crazy delicious.

Is what you're wearing comfortable? Yeup, now that it’s cooler. I sweated through my top when it was hot earlier though, and that wasn’t a comfortable situation at. all.

Did you leave the house today? Nah. I did step out to help my dad with the groceries, but that was it for today’s adventure. Are there bumper stickers on your car? No. If I wanna put stickers on my car I would rather have them on my rear window, and not directly on my car. Are you watching tv right now? What? The dining room TV is turned on but I’m not watching; my dad likes to have it on to listen to the evening news while he cooks dinner. Are you wearing anything blue? Nope, it’s all black for me today. Do you have a job? Not yet. Is your car messy? No. There’s really no reason for it to be, I’ve only driven out once since March. When did you last have whipped cream? I...can’t recall, actually. We don’t have whipped cream at home and I don’t think I ever ordered anything with whipped cream on it shortly before lockdown. How far away is the closest house? 10-20 steps away, depending on how big your stride is. What street do you live on? I’m not dropping that on here. The most I’ll tell you is that our streets are named after tropical cities, haha.

What is your favorite flavor of smoothie? Used to not like smoothies 100% because of the presence of fruits in them, but thanks to my friends Apple and Ed introducing me to Go Salads I’ve come to really like their Breakfast Smoothie – which, after looking up their menu just now, has apple, banana, cinnamon, oats, coco sugar, chia seeds, greens, and soy milk. Are you dating anyone? Yes ma’am. What color is you computer? Silver. Do you own an iPod? What color is it? Technically I still do but only because I haven’t thrown it out. It’s a blue iPod Nano. What is the most recent picture on your phone/camera of: A photo of the aforementioned burnt basque cheesecake. I was planning to post a Facebook status to promote my tito’s business and show my support, so I asked my sister to take a few aesthetic shots of the cake for my post to look presentable. Have you ever shot a gun? No. I’ve shot a fake one that belonged to Athenna’s dad, which he used for like target practice or something. What temperature is it? 31C.

Do you know anyone with a third nipple? No but Harry Styles has four, HAHAHA. There’s your random fact for the day. What do your parents do for a living? My dad’s an executive sous chef and my mom’s a secretary in her specific department in the hotel she works in. Both have always been in the hotel and restaurant industry. Have you ever had a pet that had babies? No. We’ve avoided female dogs because we know we’re not capable of caring for newborn puppies, so instead of potentially being reckless owners we’ve just not had female pets altogether. Which grocery store is closest to you? A local mall chain that has their own grocery, SM. Do you have a hamper in your room? Nah, my parents prefer a general hamper in the bathroom. Do you know anyone that's a nurse? Yes, I have several aunts and as far as I know, one cousin :) I feel really bad for them especially in these times, but they’re such strong people and they just keep powering through and powering through. Do you know someone with the name Alaina? Not that I can recall. What color is the blanket on your bed? Off-white. What are your parent's middle names? No thank you. Have you ever broken a bone? Never. Do you wear braces or glasses? I wore braces in high school, and I’ve had glasses since Grade 5. What color are they? I picked a different color for my braces for every monthly visit cause it made me feel quirkly; my glasses’ frame is dark brown. Are you currently reading a book? Not currently, no. When did you last get your blood drawn? Ughhhhh, cringed reading this haha. Last May when I needed to get a blood test done. Have you ever done hard drugs? Nopes. How many contacts are in your phone? I just know I have a lot, but Apple doesn’t tell you exactly how many and I don’t feel like counting all of them right now. Does your toilet have a seat cover? It has a lid cover, but not a seat cover. What's currently on your grocery list? My dad did the groceries today so we’re pretty stocked rn. What things do you take with you everywhere? My glasses, car and house keys, phone, wallet. Do you know someone that is/was over 100 years old? Gab’s great-grandma was like 106 or 107 by the time she passed. Was your HS principal a girl or a boy? Girl. I went to an all-girls school so it would honestly be a little peculiar if we had a male principal. Have you ever eaten a raw egg? Nah. I wanna try it out though, just for funsies. Do you own any rings? Gab got me this cheap ring for the shits and giggles, but I stopped wearing it when it started turning pink and smelling weird. So no.

If you were to get a new puppy what would you name her? We did get a new puppy! ;) But should we get another, the name will depend on the puppy’s attitude and overall vibe. That’s what we did with Cooper, who was named after Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory because he had been a smartass from the very first minute we played with him. Have you eaten fruit today? No. What about milk? Even more nope haha. I can’t have it all the time. What letter does your state start with? We don’t have states. My province starts with the letter R. Could you list all 50 states? I’ve listed them down on countlesssssss occasions but I always only come up with 35-45 states. I’ve observed that the ones I always forget about are the states in the middle of the map/country-ish states hahaha. What about their capitals? I know a good number of the states’ capitals, but I’ll still undoubtedly do worse. What internet browser do you use? I’ve been on Chrome for the longest time. Do you know anyone that lives in Wyoming? I don’t think so. Do you smoke cigarettes? Yes, starting this year lol. Which person you know has the most unique name? I’m sure I know more unique ones out there but the first names that came to mind are friends of mine named Bernadean, Jeuel (pronounced Jay-well), and Jabes. Oh and I also have an aunt named Marheedoll. Do you know someone that's missing a limb? I don’t think so, no. Do you have facial hair? I do not. Are you a bad person? Not when it comes down to it. I have my petty moments though. What was the last swear you said? I almost yelled the word puta in front of my dad earlier, but I slurred the word and made random noises to avoid saying the full thing haha so it kinda went like puuuuutehshahjskhf. Have you ever called the police on someone? No. What is the most amount of pets you've had at one time? Three – one dog and two birds. When did you last check your email? Last night. I wanted to check if I received any email from the college. Have you ever had a 3rd degree burn? Nope and that sounds so painful, I never want to sustain one. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? I haven’t. How long is your hair? Right now it reaches only my collarbones. I had it cut fairly recently, so it’s still on the shorter side. Do you lock your doors at night? The doors on the first floor. Does your bedroom have a lock? It does but my mom is such a big sissy about locks and says that “there’s nothing to hide/be private about” since we’re all relatives. She really shouldn’t have gotten a lock for my room if I wasn’t allowed to use it anyway... What do you have at your bedside? I have a rattan trunk that stores all my childhood knickknacks like board games and encyclopedias; then on the other side is a drawer with my home clothes and other knickknacks on the lower drawers. I got some hoarding tendencies from my grandma, so a lot of the stuff I keep in the drawer really has no reason behind my keeping them until today. How big is your bed? Not big at all, it’s just twin-sized. I am so investing on a big-ass bed when I have my own place. Do you know someone that was murdered? I didn’t know her personally but an alumna from my old school got stabbed to death. I don’t know the details but I think she got stabbed because she had gadgets on her, which makes you an easy target for criminals here. The only reason I know her is because my school would do tributes for her from time to time, so I really can’t tell you anything more other than she was stabbed. Do you know someone who's pregnant? I don’t think so. Do you wear a watch? Used to, but I kept losing them. What was your first pet? A pair of goldfish. How much jewelry do you own? Not a lot. The ones I do wear are technically my mom’s too; she just likes sharing them with me. What is the closest purple thing? Probably the ube halaya in the fridge. Green? A piece of Cooper’s toy. What time is it? It isssss 8:43 PM. What is your ideal profession? Lawyer. How tall are you? A little over 5 feet. Have you ever gotten x-rays? Probably once when I was a kid, then around two or three times before I started college. Do you wear gloves in the winter? I imagine I would but we don’t get winter. Do you consider yourself smart? Academic-wise, yep. I’m good at tests and memorizing and I generally enjoy reading educational content. Are you good at algebra? Yeah but I wanna keep it at algebra and geometry lol, I don’t have the patience for calculus and trig. What color eyes are the prettiest? I’ve always loved green/olive green eyes. Are your teeth straight? One of my front teeth protrudes a bit, but that’s all my fault because I lost my retainers back when I still had to use them. My teeth are otherwise fine. Do you like chocolate milk? LOVE IT Do you own a bike? We own a family bike and I’m free to use it, I just don’t because I don’t know how lmao Are you taller than your mom? No. I thought I’d grow taller than her because I had an intense growth spurt at one point, but it never happened. Have you ever been engaged? No. What, in your opinion, is the ugliest name? I’m not a fan of names that end in -leigh, but I don’t think they’re ugly names.

[swinterr]

Valerie I

It all started last week, when Shawn dropped the teaser normally Valerie is a very supportive girlfriend but not on this one. He was filming his music video, Valerie is spending time with her family. Finally, the day when the music video drops, Valerie didn’t watched it even the teaser.

Social Media is Social Media some people can call it their safe place but she doesn’t for her, Social Media is a platform where you see what you don’t want to see. For her, Social Media is toxic everywhere you go it reeks negativity well some may had some positive energy with their post but not all, not all. She saw some pictures that she didn’t want to see.

Valerie remembers the day when Shawn told her that he and Camila are collaborating again, His eyes has this twinkling effect that only happened when he’s happy, well he is happy very happy indeed. Valerie congratulated Shawn on his new music video on how the editing looks so good even though she didn’t watched it how Shawn and Camila looked good together, everything she complemented. Days passed Shawn is back touring and Valerie is back at Massachusetts collecting some of her things on her dorm to take home.

Shawn is very busy touring, he enjoys singing, playing guitar, hanging out with his best friends Brian and Connor. Valerie is back home in Toronto with her family. She enjoys reading books, playing archery on their yard and boxing.

Finally it happened while Valerie is getting ready for their like family-reunion-party-for-4th-of-July a picture went viral on the internet.

Valerie is out with her family when she saw the pictures but on particular picture caught her eye, she is sitting on the couch next to her sister Viviane and his husband Seth. Vernon, his brother along with his wife Jess, Vernon talking about his son Milo and Laslo (who are playing with the table designs) with their cousin Andre and Viviane is holding is baby boy named Cupid. The Valentin’s are hosting a party in their hotel in Toronto. She is scrolling down her feed in Instagram, of course being a supportive girlfriend she follows #shawnmendes

Shawn and Camila are kissing, Valerie isn’t really the type of person who will just point out something wrong, she always gathers her information before speaking. Sometimes she will answer your question with a hum as, she hums she thinks about her words she will put in the sentences, she always makes sure she will use it in a good way she also try not to offend someone.

She has enough information with all the pictures she’s been tag in the video and clips of them, she had enough. She puts her phone down the marble table.

“Viv.” She spoked softly. Valerie has a sweet, soft, light and airy voice even if she’s mad or sad she never raises her voice.

Viviane noticed something in her voice she may have a soft voice but she sounds so fragile right now. “Yes Val, something wrong?”

Vernon and Andre stopped talking, all their attention is on Valerie. Even the kids.

Valerie looks so fragile her tired watery eyes glancing up at her sister as she tugs at her sleeves on her off shoulder long sleeved Dolce & Gabanna cotton blend dress, fighting back the tears, she tries to blink faster hoping it will dry but heavy tears started flowing down her rosy cheeks.

“Can I skip the party, I think my febrile response is kicking in again.”

Andre glances at Valerie’s phone. “Oh no.” he gasped. Valerie quickly took her phone back to her clutch.

“Please, I need some time alone.” Valerie didn’t wait for their answer as she walks towards her parent explaining her febrile response which literally just mean fever.

Little does she knows the group of five started talking about the said issue.

She also didn’t wait for her parents response she walked straight to the front door, not minding the paparazzi taking a picture of her crying. Her chauffeur is holding the car door for her.

She got into the car she closes her eyes, taking deep breaths in an effort to stop never ending flow of tears. She didn’t even wait to be home, she needs to talk to Shawn ASAP. She opened her Marc Jacob clutch and took her phone out.

“Hello?” Valerie’s hoarse voice spoke through the phone, she has been crying since the pictures had come out. Nonstop tears keeps on spilling in her $2,600 worth of dress she wore.

She keeps on calling him but no answer, Shawn wasted their 3 years together and she’s not gonna waste more again no answer so she just decided to text him a message.

To: my canada 💞

Hey shawn are you there? I’ve been calling you the last 15 minutes? Are you good? i’m not gonna kept this message long. What happened to us? Did I do something wrong? I though im forever? Were forever? You know what, why did you tell me that you don’t want me anymore, its much easier than you doing this? You said that you’re just friends but I had enough. I can’t be with someone who has allegedly been dating his best friend behind my back. You said this song could be a hit, I believed in you. I hope you’re happy this is the last time that I will tell you this I love you. I love you too much to let go but this is the right thing to do. Focus on things that will make you happy and successful. xoxo

That week has been really painful to Valerie she thought all the things she should have accomplished if she wasn’t with him. She could have graduate, Shawn recently finished his tour in Europe of couse they will go to Italy as one of the places they set and Valerie has an Italian blood loved that country so much that Shawn begged Andrew to take Valerie on tour with him. Sadly, Valerie has to take online classes but it’s okay as long as she is with Shawn.

People in the internet has been taging Valerie a lot, a picture of Shawn and Camila at a diner a 4 ‘o’clock in the morning, him picking her up on her acting lessons. Basically doing what couples are supposedly doing. Shawn isn’t that open and that sweet when they were together. They looks so good.

Valerie remebers that she send Shawn a messege last week, and clearly Shawn is so busy with his lifestyle he didn’t even read it! That week was horrible, Valerie and Shawn lived in the same condo in Toronto and she practically lived in their house in Pickering.

Too bad Shawn fucked the 3 years up. Maybe it’s time for a break. So she packed her bag and zoomed off to the airport on the way to her birth land, basically soul searching. Hoping that at least she will have a good time.

Valerie and Shawn has a bucket list together, they didn’t even finished it. Actually Valerie knew that they aren’t gonna last forever, its either she And Shawn will broke up because of long distance or Shawn being bored at Valerie or Shawn finding someone new in tour, well technically he didn’t find new he just reunited with her.

Shawn’s definition of love is love isn’t something you should chase because then it isn’t real you just kinda let it happend and that exactly what happened to them.

Maybe that’s the reason.

Valerie then made a new bucket list for her to complete.

1. Buy myself a new mansion in Los Angles and sell my old one and donate the money

2. Ride an helicopter

3. Buy an island

4. Study hard! Even if it’s summer

5. LOVE YOURSELF

She didn’t feel making a long one, she will just add something of she want.

Valerie should have graduated college but then she was too focused on Shawn, good thing she didn’t have bad grades. So she shall study and make up for the time she lost.

Turns out Valerie needs to be in LA with her family for a grand opening of their new hotel, maybe she will travel next time, she already contacted her friend Bella Hadid, Bella’s father and her father are friends. Bella knew what Valerie is feeling, I mean the pictures are all over internet, so Bella invited her girlfriends and hoped that Valerie will have a good time.

the real angst is on the next part. also sorry if i disappointed someone in my writing.

[alienstookourstars]

So I don’t normally post anything personal on here because I worry that somehow people I don’t want to see things will see it but fuck it I’m so happy I can’t not share

Hi TC community. I am a teacher. I graduated in May and got hired in September. I’ve had teacher crushes before, the more prominent one being a college professor my senior year. But this one now hits at a whole new level because now I’m a fucking teacher too. I see this woman 3 days a week and it’s not a student teacher relationship really, its slowly becoming a friendship? I think?

So let me start with saying I met her on my very first day.

Also I am a very socially anxious and socially awkward person, so first day on the job when school has been back in session for 3 weeks...I was petrified. Throughout my first day I was walked around by either my principal or another teacher in a position like mine. I was introduced to so many people, wasn’t really remembering names or anything, and it was a lot to handle. But at the end of the day, as I am outside helping kids get on the bus, this beautiful woman approaches me. I remember vaguely seeing her but this first interaction with her is what started the infatuation. As she was walking up to me she’s smiling. She made direct eye contact with me and goes "I didn't get to introduce myself to you earlier, but I really hope you've had a great day. I'm S.” That was the first interactions of many.

Let me also tell you about my job. It’s hard. All teachers have rough jobs, but I specifically work with all students, between 4 and 11 and I work with behavior issues. So my job is a little draining at times but this last month has been really rough. The kids, and adults, were getting restless because the holidays were coming. So I’ve been running around the school a lot and In the past 2 weeks or so I’ve been kicked in the face and hit. S sees a lot of my exhaustion because I stand near her classroom to greet the students in the morning and say goodbye as they leave (also to make sure they don’t run down the halls). She’s seen my face when I talk to children and then how it drops when kids aren’t watching. She always checks in on me, but has a lot this past month.

So the teachers can sign up to do a secret Santa gift exchange and I signed up. She did not but because she helps me so much I decided to get her two small gifts. The first week of December I got her a Nightmare Before Christmas ornament (we both have an intense love for that movie and his work). I get to work that morning and panic over putting her gift in her mailbox and then I finally do it.

I’m running around doing things so when it finally comes time for the kids to arrive I have yet to see her. Then I’m standing in the hallway near her classroom to say good morning to the kids and she stands in her doorway. We don’t really talk much, not in a bad way, and then she says “oh by the way thank you for my anonymous gift” inserting comical winks and noises to accompany them. I am 10000% sure I babble a bit and I can feel my face turn red. She laughs at me and then told me she assumed it was me but at first wondered if it could’ve been anyone else. But she loves it and told me it made her smile this morning. SHE CALLED ME SWEET. Her and I talk all throughout morning arrival and then more or less go our separate ways until her third grade class comes to her for class. I know I’m seeing things but it felt like she lit up when she saw me walk in and she was close a lot of the time. Standing close, walking super close, and honestly I was blushing all fucking day long.

Then the second week comes. I got her 2 sets of gloves, the kind she likes. I left them in her mailbox and then had to go to a meeting. I’m in the meeting a lot of the morning, so when I get out she’s preparing for her first class. I had gone into the copy room, where the mailboxes are located, so sign in for the day and I hear shoes approaching behind me. It could’ve been anyone but I just knew it was her. An intense shiver went down my spine and I turned around. She stopped in the doorway with the BIGGEST smile and thanks me. She looked at me with her gorgeous smile and says she’s going to hug me. The hug was AMAZING and honestly I think I blacked out for the rest of the day.

Then comes the week before Christmas, our last week before break (it was December 17th). The day prior I just left her a hand made card but she never said anything. So Tuesday morning we had a staff meeting and I didn’t really see her. After the meeting I went to my office and saw a present and card nicely wrapped on my desk but assumed it was from my secret Santa. I went and helped with student arrival (my spot is in front of a classroom and also happens to be across the hall from S’s room. I greet some of the kids and then I decide to go down the hall to my office and open my present. I opened the card first and my heart stopped. It was her family’s Christmas card. I literally froze and almost couldn’t open her present because I was in such shock. But I slowly unwrapped it because she did such a beautiful job wrapping it and inside the box was a bunch of stress relieving products (2 different sprays, chocolate, and honey lavender tea). I was literally shaking and my body was on fire. By that time the students were done arriving and in their classrooms. I made my way down to her classroom and walked in; she was at her desk. She looks up at me and smiles real big and goes “did you get your care package?” and I don’t think I formed real words other than yes and thank you (which I repeated a bunch of times). I DID HUG HER THOUGH. So two hugs from her in a matter of a week and a half and I feel great. I went back later on in the day when I had time to spare and really thanked her, telling her how she has no idea how needed it really was seeing as though I’ve been having a bit of a rough time these past couple months. We talked for a few minutes before we had to go our separate ways for a bit. Even later that day I went into her classroom and asked if I could talk to her because of a situation regarding a coworker who just came back, hasn’t been to work since June, who I share an office with, and who clearly doesn’t like me. I approach her asking if I could pick her brain and I open up about how this man coming back and reacting to me the way he does makes me more anxious than I already am and she seemed to get defensive of me? And then told me I’m always welcome in her room, no matter the circumstance, and my heart melted. I decided to really open up and thank her for welcoming the way she has because a small handful of teachers aren’t welcoming and then also I told her how her introducing herself to me really made me feel welcome and she had such a gorgeous smile on her face. A friendship with her is overall the most important to me, but having this crush both destroys me daily but also makes me so damn happy. Sorry this was so long but I had to get it all out in one long post 😂

[prorevenge]

High School Bully Fired and Arrested 6 Years Later

[TL;DR at the bottom]

[Backstory] I went to school in a predominantly white area and being white myself I had it pretty easy, parents who cared for me and my activities, friends who respected each other, and all around a 'normal' HS experience. (not really important, just want to paint the picture) Like all High Schools, I was bullied, not a big surprise, I'm your generic nerdy white boy with glasses. I had a small friend group and generally never caused problems.

Now, you know I wouldn't be posting here if we never met again... little did I know it would be 6 YEARS later!

[The Encounter] Time went on, years went by, I secured a job with a Security company after my Associate's Degree, and make decent money. I mainly deal with truck drivers 95% of the time and have only written 3 major incident reports in the 4 years I've worked there. Day was normal, no problems, until "Enter Chad." I didn't know at the moment he came in, but it was him, 100%. I found out after he handed me his license, I knew because he had this one for 3 years (obviously expired) and I remembered his putrid, disgusting, bile face. The memories came back, I hadn't thought about Chad in YEARS, tbh I forgot he even existed, until that day. He came in, didn't recognize me and I took care of him like anyone else, except he has to come back to me when he leaves with his outbound trailer, so I planned, I thought of what I could do to make him remember me, to make him hurt like I did... Now I graduated with a degree for Criminal Justice, so I have a pretty good understanding about laws and regulations in my state, and since his license is expired I thought I could use that to my advantage. So I basically told Chad what trailer to pick up and where it was, he went and grabbed it and brought it back to me, I said "Heyyy, sorry... but I gave you the wrong trailer, we are using that one later to fill a load and the Site Manager just called me about it." He gave me one of those, 'really? God you are wasting my time' looks that I get all the time but said this, "Look man, I'm almost out hours and I need to get out of here, can't they just reassign it?" Me: "No, unfortunately once a trailer is assigned... blah blah security talk" I told him he needed to go get a different one instead. {This was true and not part of my plan, but I rolled with it} He kept nagging about how it will get him fired if he doesn't take his break on time and that he is already on his dispatcher's "watch list"... I loved when he told me this, I was going to do whatever I could to make him waste as much time as possible, so, I called our 'yard dog'(YD) (a driver on site who moves trailers in and out of dock doors) and told him a driver was refusing to drop their trailer and that he needs to be escorted off the property. The YD came and stopped in front of his tractor so he couldn't move forward and told him to unhook immediately. For a second he waited outside of his truck yelling obscenities and stuff, eventually the YD and myself went into the guard shack in case he got violent. He said. "F\*k this!" *Big mistake** Chad jumped back in his truck, drove around the YD's when he was in my guard shack, and left as fast as he could, I was already on the phone with my supervisor and he told me to call the police. (Trailer theft is a felony in my state) So I did, told them the Tractor number, his name, and a description, along with the trailer he had and his general direction of travel. About an hour went by before I had a police cruiser show up and asking for me. He questioned me on the whole who, what, when, where, and how. He told me that he was caught up to eventually and was arrested! They needed me as a witness and to make a statement for their report, so I made sure to mention myself noticing his expired license and everything else. To the best of my knowledge Chad will be getting at least a year of prison time (as felonies are a 1 year minimum) and fired from his trucking company.

Granted, I technically just did my job, but I made sure to be as detailed as possible and make sure he pays for what he did to me all those years ago.

​

[TL;DR] Bully from school beat me up, I see him at my job 6 years later, he breaks the law, and is now in prison.

Thank you for everyone who read this, hope some of you got a kick out of my experience, and remember: If someone's job is to tell you what to do, just do it.

I hope to have updates when the trial comes around (if it ever happens) but the Officer told me for the most part my statements should be enough for them and I might not even have to go to court. But I sincerely hope I get to, I'd love to see his face when the judge slaps a sentence and remind him of the past and what he did to me.

PS: Who's the cumstain now Chad?

(source) story by (/u/What_I_Wonder)

[i-am-masterkittens]

You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes. 

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

[spn-fic-promts]

Like a girl (5 times Dean felt like a girl + 1 time Sam praised him for it)

TW: Rape/non-con, bullying, depression, self hatred and self harm.

Dean WInchester has always had problems with his body. As with most of his problems they all started when he was 4 and his mom died. Dean had to raise his baby brother with very little help from his father. His father who could hardly look at him. And all because Dean looked too much like a girl. Too much like his mom.

The kids at school commented on it as well. Mostly the other boys making fun of him. He always made better friends with the girls. They loved how long his eyelashes are or how pretty his eyes and freckles were. Meanwhile the boys would call him a girl and tell him he couldn’t do things. When he got older that turned into making him use the girls bathrooms and locker rooms. Or calling him names and saying he was gay.

And at home he had to act like a girl. Well a mom at least. He knew he had to take care of Sammy no matter what. Whether Sam realized it or not. If that meant feeding Sammy and not himself, Dean stayed skinny. If that meant buying Sammy new clothes and not himself, Dean wore Sams hand-me-downs. If that meant keeping johns drunken attention on him and not Sammy, Dean covered the bruises as best he could. If dad needed help on dangerous hunts, Dean was there not Sam. Never Sam.

He had to be the big brother, the dad, and the mom.

Like a girl.

------------------------

When he was 14 his father came home one day drunk. Dean had just finished putting Sammy to bed and was doing the dishes. His father came home to see him acting like a stay at home mom and mistook him for his dead wife. John stumbled over to Dean and wrapped his arms around his waist. His hands nearly connecting over Deans belly.

“Whatta ya doin’ babe?” John slurred in Deans ear.

Dean froze, “I’m doing the dishes dad. Are you ok?”

“Oohho yeah baby I’m fine. Especially now I get to play daddy again. Huh” John roughly turned Dean around in his arms and shoved his head into Deans neck.

“Ah! Dad!! Your drunk. You need to go to bed!” Dean gasped as his father sucked on his neck.

“Mhm yeah lets get to bed sweatheart.” John scooped Dean up bridal style as if he weighed nothing, and started stomping towards the bedroom of the motel. 

“No, no! Dad Sammy’s in here. You can’t!” Dean wriggled in Johns grasp.

John actually stopped and looked as if he was contemplating something. He turned around and started back. Dean let out a sigh of relief. Then John spoke up about what was on his mind. “It’s a good thing I got a room with a seperate room with a couch.

“No!” He screamed.

Like a girl

---------------------

In the morning John didn’t remember anything. Dean remembered it all. That week John left for another hunt and didn’t leave enough money. Sam needed new textbooks for 6th grade (after skipping 5th.) He was already bigger than Dean and would need more clothes. And Dean still had to feed him.

So Dean decided to use his femininity to his advantage. After Sammy would go to sleep Dean would lock all the doors and go to the nearest gas station in the skimpiest clothes he could find. 

Like a girl.

----------------------

Dean dropped out of school in 10th grade. While Sam skipped another year in 7th grade. Jumping straight to highschool at 12. It was hard to keep Sam in school while they moved around for hunts. But Dean made sure he went as much as possible. And taught him as much as he could on his own.

Dean had to go away on hunts more and more with their father. Leaving Sammy to fend for himself. Dean got in more and more trouble by leaving Sam extra money. He was constantly getting hurt by the monsters and told to man up.

Even the monsters commented on how girly he looked. So he decided to start trying to be more boyish. Taking girls out, working out more, being more reckless, and acting more ‘manly.’

Sammy eventually graduated and went away to Stanford. Dean was happy for him but was convinced that his brother simply didn’t want to be around him anymore. And Dean couldn’t blame him. He didn’t want to be around himself either. This was the point when Dean hit rock bottom. He started carving words into his thighs. Words like pretty, and girl. He cried in the bathroom while bleeding from between his legs.

Like a girl.

--------------------------

The first time Sam kissed him Dean panicked. They were in a motel in Texas on a hunt. Sam was currently soulless. And Dean was taking advantage of him. Yeah. Dean was taking advantage of the big, strong, muscly, man that he lived with.

Like a girl.

------------------------

“Dean” Sam called for his brother through the bunker.

“Yeah Sammy I’m just getting out of the shower!” Dean called back. Sam started his way to ambush Dean in the bathroom.

Yeah Sam was sorta horny for his big brother. And he knew Dean felt the same way. They had kissed and made out a lot since the first time when he was soulless. Sam also knew he had forced himself on Dean. Luckily Dean had run away before Sam could do more.

But since then their relationship had progressed. They held hands while not in public. Hugged while relaxing (”It’s called cuddling Dean.” “Not with me it’s not”) They made out a lot. But Dean wouldn’t let Sam get any further than that.

Sam knew about Deans self esteem problems. He knew that’s why Dean acted all macho like he did. Sam hated that. Hated that Dean covered himself up like that. Forced himself to be something Sam knew he wasn’t. Sam just wanted him to be himself. Just wanted his brother.

So Sam didn’t know exactly what sort of messed up blame he put on himself that’s making him not want Sam to have sex with him but Sam plans on fixing it tonight.

Sam quietly crept into the bathroom Dean was in. His brother was looking in the mirror and holding a towel around his hips. Sam crept up behind him and snuck his arms around Deans waiste. Still so small but with rock solid abs.

“S-Sammy? What are ya doin’?” Dean whispered as Sam inhaled his body wash.

“Just admiring my beautiful big brother. I wish I knew why you won’t let me touch you Dean. It’s all I can do to hold myself back.” Sam purred in Deans ear.

“No Sam you don’t want that. You don’t want that at all.” Dean grimaced at himself in the mirror.

“Why not Dean. Why would anyone not want you? Perfect. You so perfect Dean. So much smaller than me but still so strong. I love it Dean. I love your body. And anyone in their right mind would to if they saw it.” Sam met Deans eyes in the mirror.

Dean held his gaze and whispered “are you calling me crazy?”

Sam withdrawed his hands, shocked. “What- Dean-But-You-How?-Why?”

“Very articulate little brother.” Dean chuckled. Then he turned in Sams loosened hold and sighed. “If we’re really gonna do this then theirs some things I need to tell you.”

“Yeah Dean whatever you want. I’m listening.” Sam complied as Dean sat on the edge of a bathtub. Sam following suit.

“Remember when we were little and dad would always say I looked like mom?” Dean explained everything that had ever happened to him because of his looks. Explained what their dad did, the kids at school, men on the streets who paid him to do things he didn’t want to. He told him he’d been depressed after he left. That he had contemplates suicide. But he left out the words on his legs. Figuring Sam would see them for himself.

“Oh my god. Dean I’m so sorry.” Sam has pulled Dean into his lap. Held him tightly while they both cried.

“It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. Any of it.” Dean whispered.

“But I could have stopped so much of it if I’d just payed more attention. If I’d jumped out of my own little world for just one minute I could have prevented some of your suffering.” Sam sobbed into Deans shoulder.

“That wasn’t your responsibility-“

“And it wasn’t yours to sell your body to keep me fed!” Sam inturupts him. “Dean I used to beg you for more stuff. And you always got them for me. And I never realized that you were starving yourself to get them! I didn’t even need half the things I asked for! I was just being selfish!”

“It’s ok Sammy. Shh it’s ok.” Dean rubs gentle circles into Sams head while he holds him.

“I should be comforting you.” Sam states wettly.

“It’s ok. Hey hey look at me.” Dean pulls Sams face out of his neck. “I don’t know if you still want to but if you do. We can have sex now. I understand if after what I told you you’d be dis-“

“Of course I still want to Dean! God is that why you were hiding. You thought I’d be turned off by what you’ve been through. Dean I meant what I said earlier. Your beautiful! And perfect! And everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.” Sam stands up abruptly, causing Dean to wrap his legs around Sams waiste. “I wish I could have taken your virginity before dad did.” Sam says between kisses.

“Oh my god! Sam! Don’t say that!” Dean laughs.

“Why not?”

“1 ew don’t mention dad. 2 you were ten!” Dean says matter of factly.

“So? I was a horny ten year old. And I was already bigger than you.” He chuckles and Dean smacks him on the side of the head.

They get to the bedroom and Sam literally throws Dean on the bed. Dean bounces a few times as his towel starts to slip from his hips.

Sam makes a move to pull it the rest of the way off but Dean stops him. “Nuh uh. You first big guy. I don’t know if you’ve realized but I’m practically naked and your still fully clothed.”

Sam hastily rips off his clothes and throws them around the room while dean sits back to admire the view.

“Better?” Sam smirks cockily.

“Much.” Dean holds out his arms for Sam to fall into.

“Your.” Kiss to the jaw. “So.” Kiss to the neck. “Fucking.” One to each nipple. “Pretty.” One to the belly button.

Dean freezes on the last word. “What’s the matter?” Sam looks up at Dean worriedly.

“See for yourself.” Dean pulls the towel off himself and spreads his legs. Sam instinctively slots himself between them before kissing the tip of Deans cock.

“Dean are these?”

“Yeah.”

“Your not a girl. Your the most fucking perfect guy I’ve ever met.” Sam kisses the word.

“Your not my mom. Your my big brother. Your my whole world.” Sam kisses the word mom next.

“Your not a slut. Your the most selfless person I’ve ever met. And you have the most attractive body I’ve ever seen.” Sam kisses that word.

“And your not just pretty. Your beautiful. And I’ll never stop telling you just how beautiful and pressious you are.” Sam holds up Deans leg. The muscle twitching in his palm. And kisses the word.

When Sam crawls back up to see Deans face, he finds his brother covering his mouth behind his palm. Silent tears spilling from love filled eyes.

“I love you so much Dean. More than anything.” Sam whispers as he finally kisses Deans perfect, plump lips.

“I love you to Sammy.”

[lemonybaby67]

Tulips and Tears || Lee Jeno

⇢ summary: life was normal. life was decent. that was all until a certain, non-normal, young boy came barging into your life whilst you were minding your own normal, decent business. this one interaction, which brought many more, sparked something in you that you never thought would exist. (high school au; fake dating au)

⇢ genre: fluff; romance; angst; alternate universe; one shot

⇢ word count: 5430

⇢ warnings: uwu dropping; lots of tears; mild swearing

⇢ note: this is my first one shot so bare with me here. i’m also not original so here goes nothing.

“Y/n, come on, you never do anything fun with us.”

Your closest friend, Huang Renjun, was calling you one Sunday afternoon. The two of you first met in your shared art class when your teacher decided to partner the two of you up for a project. While working, you happened to click easily. Sure, you had your differences like everyone else, but you seemed a bit relaxed with him, and he with you. That’s when a small friendship blossomed in your boring, monotone life.

“Jun, it’s okay. I don’t want to show up and just make the atmosphere uncomfortable. Please, it’s fine.” You switched your phone from your right ear to your left in the middle of your sentence. Cramps on any body part just made life horred.

You heard the elder sigh in defeat. Pure annoyance from your reply could be heard as he spoke. “Fine. But next time, you have to meet the others. You’d love them. I have to go Y/n. See ya.”

The line ended before you could reply. You placed your phone on your desk while staring at your history notes. Perhaps a break really was needed. Perhaps you should’ve gone with Renjun. Or, perhaps your decision was for the better.

Whether you made the right decision or not, the decision was made. Nothing could be done.

You turned your head and glanced at the electronic clock on your nightstand. It read 2:56 p.m.

Groaning, you threw your head on the desk in front of you. A soft boom echoing in your seemingly empty room.

Perhaps it was for the best?

You slowly opened your eyes. Light from your open windows blinding you. You slowly picked your head up from your desk, disoriented. While scratching your head, further messing up your hair, you looked at the clock. It read 4:34 p.m.

Shit. I’m already so far behind. Great. You thought to yourself. Life can’t get any better than this.

Finally finding the strength to get up, you walked towards the bathroom. Slightly wobbling as you did so.

You looked at your face in the mirror. You looked like you just came out of a horror movie. Eyes dark and tired, hair flying everywhere. You looked almost identical to Anna in Frozen. Sighing, you fixed yourself up and went back into your room to grab your laptop, shoving it into a bag.

Bag around your shoulders, you walked into the living room, seeing that your parents weren’t home. Instead a small note was left on the coffee table.

Left for the store, be back later. Don’t get into any trouble.

XOXO, Mom

A small smile left your lips as you opened the front door to your house. Your feet carried you to your favorite quiet café. You didn’t have to walk far because it was so close to your home.

The café had small, cute tables outside, and since it was such a nice day, you decided to sit out there. Of course after you got your drink and snack first.

You were just about to open the door to the café when you felt an arm wrap itself around your neck. Startled, you turned your head in a panic and saw a sight you didn’t think that you would see.

A teenage boy with black, messy hair and sharp features had wrapped his arm around your shoulders. You had to admit, he was pretty handsome, but you were confused as to what he was doing exactly. A young girl stood nearby. You recognized her from your home ec. class. Kim Jisu was her name.

“See, this is my girlfriend. Jisu, meet Y/n. Y/n, meet Jisu.” His voice was rough and yet sweet as he spoke.

You looked up at him, confused by his manor. He looked at you with eyes that screamed ‘help me’.

“I’m sure she’s your girlfriend. I don’t believe you Jeno, my sweet. So, when this sore joke of a ‘girlfriend’ gets more boring than she already is, then call me.” She blew him a kiss before glaring at you and walking away; dramatically swaying her hips in desperation to be noticed.

As soon as she was out of sight, the teen pulled away from you and bowed so low that you were concerned for his back. “I’m so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry for putting you in such a situation, Y/n. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

You were startled by his off behavior yet again. You looked at him with curiosity and asked a question that happened to pop up first. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

The boy looked up at you, his face flushed pink. His eyes were wide and heartbroken. He stood up straight and dusted his pants off a bit.

“S-sorry. I should’ve known you wouldn’t recognize me. I’m Jeno. L-lee Jeno. I’m in your biology class.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously.

That’s when you remembered, “Oh! You’re the kid who’s frog exploded during dissection!” You smiled up at him, remembering the fond moment of all your fellow classmates screaming in fear when it’s guts landed on their skin.

“Oh. Um, you remembered that. I really didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t even know how that could happen.”

“The frogs were pretty old, and they were in glass jars for the most time. They also happened to be rotting so much that when they came into contact with the oxygen in the air, that the frog’s stomach swelled and exploded. A common mistake that teachers will do. I mean, all the teachers we’ve ever had had bachelors degrees from online, so of course they wouldn’t know the basic fundamentals of decomposition.” You didn’t realize that you were rambling on and on until Jeno’s mouth was hanging wide open. “S-sorry.”

“No! No, it’s alright. I knew you were really smart, but I don’t know you were that smart!” His face lit up like a Christmas tree. His dark eyes sparked and you forgot that you were staring at them.

You snapped out of your daze when you felt your stomach growl. “Sorry, Jeno. It was nice meeting you, but I’ve got to eat.” You turned to open the door yet again when you were stopped, but this time, it was a strong hand that grabbed your wrist.

You turned around to see a large veiny hand holding your wrist. That hand was connected to a very fit Jeno. His eyes widened in shock at his own actions.

He pulled back immediately. “S-sorry. Um, I need your help.” His gaze was down at his hands, which were now fiddling with each other. He seemed uncomfortable being in your presence, yet his aura was so confident that you couldn’t help but hold your breath.

You didn’t reply to his statement, which made him look up. He searched your face for a motivation to continue. His gaze fell on your glittering, y/e/c eyes. The two of you stood like that, in front of the coffee shop for about a minute before he shook his head and continued himself.

“Listen, I’m so sorry for immediately pretending like we were dating, but I had to get myself out of that fast. She’s been following me around since the third grade and I can’t stand it anymore. She’s never left me alone, I think that was the first time in a long time. Listen, I need you to continue this for just a month or so, so that she can leave me alone. I can’t sleep at night anymore. I…I need your help.” He looked at you with pleading eyes.

You were shocked at the words that came out of his mouth. You had only really just gotten to know him, and now he’s asking for you to be his fake girlfriend. You felt your heart beat faster and faster, your chest swelled, you couldn’t breathe.

“I’m…I’m sorry. Excuse me.” You opened the door to the empty café, but was stopped by something in the corner of your eyes. You looked back at your classmate in horror.

Lee Jeno, one of the hottest guys at your school (even considered by teachers), was sitting on his knees, hands folded in front of his chest in a pleading manner. He was begging you, begging you for you to go along with being his ‘girlfriend’.

You couldn’t believe his childish manner, and ushered him to stand up.

“Fine! Fine! I’ll do it, just stop it before someone sees wh--”

A pair of strong arms wrapped around your waist before pulling towards a very firm chest. You were being hugged, by Lee Jeno. Lee Jeno! Before you could react, he pulled away with an adorable eye smile. “Oh my god, thank you so much Y/n, you won’t regret this!”

He looked at you for another second before running off to the right. He had just hit the corner and was about to turn, when he stopped, looked back at you and ran back to you.

Confused, you stared at his bizarre manner until he reached you. When he caught up to you, he placed his hands on his knees and panted for about a minute, catching his breath. He finally looked back at you, “Hey, I...I forgot to ask you, but, can I ask you for your number, I mean, I don’t know how else I can be able to contact you. So...um…”

Yeah, here, let me just ge--” You froze, hand in your back pocket. “I forgot my phone at home. B-but I remember my number, so I can write it down for you.” You let go of the door and walked back to your outdoors table, surprised that your laptop and belongings still there.

You grabbed a notebook, scribbled your number onto a random page, ripped it out, folded it and gave it to the dark haired teen.

“Thanks Y/n. I’ll see you around.” And with that, he was gone.

~The Next Day~

The hallways were filled with high school students with a purpose, to either graduate, or to find a significant other. Sometimes both, sometimes neither. It just depends on the person. Some kids wanted to get to the top of the social status, but that didn’t always happen. There was one certain kid though, who walked the halls with another purpose: to somehow sell that she was somehow dating one of the most popular kids at school. That kid was you, and you were lost.

Telling your mother would not be the best idea, for she would probably treat him like her future son-in-law. You considered asking Renjun, but you knew that he was just an acquaintance and that he probably couldn’t help you. So, you kept it in, watching videos online for some dating tips. However, the biggest thing is kissing. Of course, the thing to sell that you were dating him was for you to kiss him, and that was a big problem.

You’ve never kissed anyone before.

Naturally, you were sure that he’s had experience before, so this would be super awkward for you and hilarious for him. You were sure to be the laughing stock of the school. Only, there was something worse. Kim Jisu was a b+ student, loved by most of the school’s faculty, which meant that when she beat up someone for no concrete reason, she would be given a two minute talk and no referrals, detentions, or suspensions of any kind.

You would be dead meat by the end of the week.

Fumbling with your locker, you felt a hand on your shoulder, which made you jump.

“Renjun! You scared me! Don’t do that!” You gripped your backpacks’ strap tightly, trying to calm your racing heart.

He cackled loudly, leaning on the locker beside yours. He wiped a tear from his eyes, “Oh, that was too much. Sorry Y/n, I just had too, you know how much that brightens my day. Anyway, have you seen Mr. Seo’s work assignments? I swear he’s going to kill me before the holidays.”

You grabbed your bag before closing the locker door with a BANG!

“Yeah. Why in the world does he need us to write a twenty page biography on Shakespeare? And couldn’t he have made the deadline in two weeks and not in three days? I’m swamped enough as it is.” The two of you walked to your third class of the day, art.

“I get it. And Mr. Moon had to give us a whole thirty page math packet due this friday. We just got back from our weekend break. Come on.”

The elder opened the door for you before you walked inside. The room was arranged with the teacher’s desk at the front of the room, with a chalkboard behind it. The student desks were in pairs, where you and Renjun walked to the middle of the room for your next assignment. Hopefully it wouldn’t be anything too crazy.

When Mr. Qian walked into the room, your crazy class started yet again.

“Alright class, your new assignment is due Thursday, and be sure to team up with your partners and not copy anything from online. Do you hear me Mr. Park?” Your teacher questioned the blonde freshman at the front of the room.

“Yes sir.”

The bell rang, indicating that class was now over, and into your fourth period, which was luckily a free period.

You were gathering your stuff when the chinese boy who sat next to you asked, “So, Y/n, when are you going to come with my friends and I? There’s only four of us in total and I’m sure you’d love them. Please? I promise you, you won’t regret it.”

You sighed, accepting defeat. You have refused to keep your life an open book for the longest time, and finally, it caught up to you.

“Sure. I can hang out with you soon.” You smiled sweetly before watching your friend jump up and down in joy.

“Yes! Finally! The guys have been dying to meet you! How about this weekend? If you don’t have any plans of course.” The warning bell rang.

“Sure, sure! Now hurry up and get to class before you’re tardy.” You put your bag on your shoulders, leaving the room without another word.

The hallways were somewhat crowded. Fourth period was the one just before lunch, so most kids were hiding in the bathrooms eating lunch so that they could use their actual lunch time to catch up on homework and assignments. Sure it was gross, but you have to do what you have to do.

The hallways began to narrow as you walked to the more abandoned side of the school, the one where druggies and burn outs would stay for ninety percent of the day. There was one room that no one dared to enter because a science teacher stabbed himself in the heart in the middle of class back in 1987. Everyone believed that the room was haunted, so that left you an empty classroom to do your assignments.

The classroom was somewhat clean besides the thick layer of dust on the desks and the bleach stain in the carpet near the chalkboard.

You sat at the only non-dusty desk in the room and opened up your laptop, starting on Mr. Seo’s project. You had just gotten done with the first page when the door opened, startling you.

You hid your face behind the screen of the laptop, refusing to meet eyes with the figure at the door. Just because you stayed in a haunted classroom for and hour and a half every day doesn’t mean that you don’t believe in them.

Hesitantly, you looked up from the screen to see something you weren’t expecting.

“Y/n? Is that you?” Lee Jeno.

“O-oh.” You straightened your posture before tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “Yeah. I guess you found my hiding place.”

“Is this where you stay all period?” He silently closed the door behind him before brushing the desk in front of you and making himself comfortable upon the wood.

“Pretty much. I never really get any peace and quiet so, this is the best option.” You gazed into his eyes, dark brown orbs that couldn’t be read. What was he thinking?

“Well, can I join you for a little?” He shifted a little bit, making sure that the structure beneath him wouldn’t give in at the last moment.

“I guess, I mean, you’re already sitting down.” You closed your laptop, interested in the conversation at hand. Your hands supported your head while your elbows rested on the device. You tilted your head at him, indirectly asking him, ‘So what are you doing here exactly?’.

He noticed your action. “Oh, sorry. I was looking for you, um, I kind of wanted to ask you if you could sit with me at lunch, just pretend that we’re dating. That might start it off. She’ll get off my back if you’re a bit clingy, so...clingy is good. B-but not too clingy.” He let his feet dangle off the edge of the desk, kicking them. “So, maybe I can go to my friends and you can walk in after and sit down where Jisu usually sits. She’ll get the picture.”

“I think I’ve got this. I mean, I used to take acting lessons in junior high, so I think I can do this. You can count on me, I guess.” You scratched the back of your neck.

He grinned at you, “I know. Trust me, I honestly think that you’re the perfect girl for the job, hands down.”

You sat there, staring at him, you’re heartbeat getting louder and louder by the second. This has never happened to you before. Why was you’re nervous and circulatory systems going out of wack?

“Are you alright? You don’t look so good.” Jeno stood up from his seat, walked over to you and placed his hand on your forehead, checking your temperature. “You’re kind of warm. Do you want me to take you to the nurse’s office?”

You stood up abruptly, “N-no! I’m fine, I swear.”

The bell rang.

Shit, this is really going to happen. Gathering your belongings, you walked over to the door, the boy behind you.

“So, I know this is going to be tough, so I’ll make it up to you when this passes, okay? I feel really bad.” Jeno walked beside you, hands in his pockets, his bag slung over his shoulder. The first button to his uniform was undone, his tie loose around his neck.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. It’s nothing re-” A finger placed itself softly on your lips.

“Hey, I insist. If you don’t take this, I’ll never forgive you.” His finger removed itself from your pink lips.

“If you say so Je-no-fun.” You smiled at your little joke before your face dropped at the sight of him.

His mouth was left open in shock, tears welled up in his eyes. He quickly wiped them before they fell down his cheeks. “That is the first time anyone has ever said a joke that golden before. Bless your heart Y/n.”

You chuckled silently, “Come on dork.”

The two of you reached the lunchroom, which consisted of half the population eating and the other half working on assignments. Jeno looked at you before shooting two thumbs up before sitting down with his friends. You looked over and saw Jisu getting her lunch. You usually bring your food from home, so before she left to sit down with him, you took a deep breath and strutted over to him.

When you were sure she was watching you from behind you, you went up to Jeno and pecked him. Right on the cheek. You could feel the atmosphere darken as you sat down to his right.

“Hi baby.” You smiled at him and winked. You could feel your ears redden a bit at your own actions, but what else could you do in that moment to ‘claim your territory’?

You were just getting your lunch out when you heard a female voice clear her throat behind you. Nervous, the whole table, including you, turned to Jisu, who had a few veins popping out of her forehead and neck.

“Sorry to bother you, but I sit there. Not you.” She may have tried to say a sweet sentence, but she spat it out at you like you were a rodent.

“Oh, well, I kind of want to sit next to my boyfriend. You can sit across from us though.” You tried to keep your voice steady and calm, but felt more reassured when Jeno placed his hand on yours.

“It’s fine Jis. Just sit across from us.” Jeno looked at her with innocent eyes, which you noticed. Sneaky little bastard.

She clenched her jaw in annoyance and placed her food across from the elder. You had survived the first few minutes and it was already too much. You have to go through a whole month or more of this.

The brunette took a seat across from you guys. She was pretty tiny, around 5’2”. Her dark brown hair came all the way down to her waist. Jisu’s hands were littered with rings and bracelets. The hot pink nail polish hurt your eyes.

Her gaze pierced into your soul, making everyone at the table uncomfortable.

The lunchroom went silent for a few moments, a single pin could be heard at all corners. The noises resumed after someone coughed in the very back.

Jisu never softened or lowered her gaze on you, making you turn to Jeno, trying to look away from her. “Did you get the text I sent you? About my parents going on a business trip this weekend?” You looked at the teen with innocent eyes, trying to see if he could tell where you were going with the conversation.

He smiled at you, eyes shaping into half moons, “Yeah, I talked to my mom and she said it was fine that you could stay over.”

“Oh, you’re a lifesaver!” You pecked his cheek, confused at your actions once again. This whole lying this was coming way too natural.

You could see his cheeks get pink, “Anything for you baby.”

You’re heart fluttered at his words. No one has ever said something like this to you. You gazed at him a few seconds more. He had just became engaged in another conversation across the table. His eyelashes were so long and dark, the mole under his eye fit so perfectly on his face. His nose was the perfect size. His li-- no. Stop.

You looked back at your food, ready to eat, when you noticed that Jeno’s hand was still clutching onto yours. Silently, you removed your hand from his, feeling the warmth leave yours. He noticed, but didn’t draw any attention to it, placing his hand on the table. 

You started on your food when someone ran over to the table. He was around the same size as Jeno, perhaps a little chubbier. His hair was a bright orange, which shockingly complemented his lightly sun kissed skin. “Hey, gonna borrow this a bit bro, sorry. Nice chick.”

He winked at you before grabbing Jeno’s backpack. Within second of him arriving, he left.

The boy who was just stollen from shook his head and laughed. “Hyuck probably didn’t do his assignment again. Typical.”

Lunch had just ended and you were grabbing your stuff, but you were interrupted by a voice.

“Hey, Y/n,” You looked up at Jeno when he covered his voice, “Nice acting today. I owe you. Coffee after school?”

You stood up, backpack wrapped around your shoulders. Is he being serious? If anything, you need a break before your head implodes from stress, then explodes from the stress of imploding.

However, you nodded, “Sure. The coffee shop from yesterday?” You had to strain your neck to look up at him.

“Sure. Just meet me at the school’s front doors. Bye Y/n.” He winked before running off in the opposite direction.

It’s been a month. A month since you and Jeno started ‘dating’, and life honestly couldn’t be any better. The two of you would study together and pretend that it would be a date so people didn’t think it was too suspicious. Both of you were brought up to the top of the school, academically and socially.

Renjun introduced you to his friends Jaemin, Donghyuck(the guy from lunch), and surprisingly Jeno. All the more reason to keep pretend dating. However, you and Jeno agreed that when the dating contract ends, that you’d end it on good terms from Renjun’s sake.

However, since this whole secret came about, you couldn’t help but fall for Jeno more and more everyday. It’s been tough keeping it in when the only thing you would do was flirt and share quick pecks on anything but your lips. You both agreed that too much PDA would be unnecessary, and since you weren’t really dating, that fully kissing was too much. Especially since you were only faking it.

Since it’s been a month and because Jisu has cut herself out of Jeno’s life, you believed that it was time for the two of you to end what was happening. Sure it would be hard for you, but he couldn’t like you back. He’s a god in an eighteen-year-old’s body.

Sighing, you looked at yourself in the mirror, fitted for the last month of spring. You couldn’t help but feel your chest falling. Never in the world did you imagine falling in love in high school. It was too cliché for you, but yet here you are, in love with the kid you never imagined you could talk to.

Taking a deep breath in, you walked to school, cherry blossoms finally falling off their trees, expressing that their time was up. Perhaps you were a cherry blossom too, finishing your journey. Perhaps this would be the only thing in life for you. This might be the only spontaneous thing for you. How could you go on after this? Could you go on after this? You never realized how much he meant to your life. He became closer to you than Renjun, you’re first friend.

“She doesn’t mean anything.”

You stopped in your tracks. Imagining him expressing his true feelings for you. He never felt anything for you. You were just a hunk of meet to be tossed around. This was nothing for him. Your only job was to do his dirty work.

“I’m serious. Nothing at all.”

That wasn’t your head imagining things, that was someone talking. The voice sounded so much like his though. You were on the main road, where anyone could walk and talk about how ‘she was nothing at all’; but only one person that you knew of had a similar voice  and situation as your fake boyfriend. He was your fake boyfriend.

Looking around, you didn’t see anyone on a call, until you say a figure in front of  you. He wasn’t facing you, but you knew it was him.

“Will you fucking listen to me for once! Just accept it and leave it alone.” He hung up. 

Before you could react, he turned around, making direct eye contact with him. You were angry, sad, betrayed, rejected. Tears welled up in your eyes, but you get more angry at how even blurry, he looked handsome. You felt tears stream down your cheeks. 

Jen started back at you, shocked that you were there. You usually arrive later, however today was not the case.

Overwhelmed by emotions, you turned around and ran back home, regretting even looking at him. You wished everything was normal, that you were back to only talking to Renjun, that you had never met Donghyuck, Jaemin, and especially Jeno.

God, Jeno. The name made you gag in disgust. How could you even imagine falling for him? You knew you were smarter than that. Life was so much better without them. No having to worry about Jisu ever beating you up. Never having to take time out of your day to hang out with Jeno’s obnoxious friends. No Jeno.

If only you could go back in time with Doc Brown’s Delorean and fix everything.

You reached home and slammed the door shut. Leaning on the back of the door and crying. You cried until it hurt to continue. You cried so much that you became Alice. You cried so much that you ran out of tears to cry with. 

Hours had passed when you remembered that you had school that day. Standing up, you grabbed a tissue before calling your school, claiming that you were sick, just so that they knew why you weren’t there that day. How could you tell your mom? She’d flip if she found out you stayed home.

After hanging up on the faculty, you turned on the television, playing your favorite telenovela. You had just grabbed a bucket of your favorite dessert when there was a knock at the door.

You weren’t going to answer it until you remembered that you ordered another BTS album and that it was suppose to be here today.

Openning the door, you didn’t come face to face with the mailman, but to the last face you wanted to see.

Lee Jeno.

Frowning, you slammed the door in his face, but he stopped it before it could close. “Listen Y/n, please. I messed up.”

You opened the door again, arms crossed at your chest. “What do you want.”

He gulped before shoving a bouquet of yellow tulips in your face. “Their your favorite. So is strawberry shortcakes and watching Teresa when you need to cry. I know that you only love the the fourth, fifth, and sixth Star Wars movies. The new ones and prequels were terrible so you don’t associate with them. It’s the same thing with the Percy Jackson movies. You call them ‘Perry Johnson’, or something. What I’m trying to get at here is that we may have started this whole thing to get Jisu off my back, but I’ve had a crush on you since the third grade. Nothing can compare to you Y/n. God, every time I look at you, I have to restrain myself from kissing you. You’re beautiful, sparkly eyes; your silly habit of sticking your tongue out when you’re concentrated; how your eyebrow twitches slightly when you lie. Every little flaw and perfection about you makes me fall in love with you a hundred times more. You are my world.

“I didn’t mean for you to hear that. Donghyuck knew about our secret and I had to play that I didn’t like you. Please Y/n, believe me. God, please, forgive me. I love you too much to let go of you. I love you, Y/n.”

You felt the tears spring again to your eyes.

“I love you too, Jeno. I can’t believe that this whole thing has gotten to me. I’m sorry.” You wiped your tears, grabbing the flowers and smelling their sweetness.

“No, it was me. I was an asshole. Also, this was at the door, so.” He held up an Amazon package. 

You smiled, “My album. Want to open it with me you cheesy pizza?”

He chuckled at your new nickname for him, “Only if you put subtitles on Teresa, you know I don’t understand Spanish.”

@lemonybaby67

[gohyuck]

into it - m.l.

some of the lowest parts of your senior year with mark, and one of the highest

warnings, a/n, etc. under the cut <3

wc: 6.3k

warnings: school, misuse of prescription medicine, windrawal, angst (dw it ends fairly happy i would say), uhhh some smutty themes. maybe. there’s no actual smut in this it just gets close ig

a/n: this is literally just me projecting onto mark mixed with some other stories from other competitive schools from around me - if anyone wants to talk about how shitty school is with me they’re free too! i’m a slave to gpa. yeet. i think i might’ve projected onto the reader too please don’t @ me...

description should’ve been “in which mark is the author and the reader is the author and the author is barely a person”

idk this fic seems kinda pointless but . anyways

anyways enjoy <3

song: into it - chase atlantic

Yeah I've been catching planes for the fun of it Then I'll be watching fame turn to punishment The weather's only sunny when I'm under it And I haven't really changed, yeah I'm just confident

33 school days until Graduation

Living fire begets cold, impotent ash.

Mark can’t help but reread the line once. Twice. Thrice. 

He’s studying to distract himself. That, and he’s studying because he needs to, but mostly, it’s a distraction. 

From what? 

He’s trying not to think about it. 

A small part of Mark wonders why he’s rereading Things Fall Apart. While it’s definitely one of the better school-assigned books he’s been forced to dissect - Chinua Achebe knows how to make a point - its attractiveness diminishes every time he opens it again to page one. 

The first time he’d read it, Mark had been captivated without his special little boost. The main character, while terrible, was too relatable - Mark isn’t a fan of failure, either. 

The second time was to study for the 60 question test on the novel. It was less interesting this time around, but Mark still diligently annotated it, spending three days with his eyes glued to the page and fingers cramping around his lucky pencil. Every time he closed his eyes, Achebe’s land of Umuofia appeared. It was there when he opened his eyes, too. 

The third time was to find evidence to use in his analysis essay on what type of hero Okonkwo is. At this point, all that Mark was sure of was that Okonkwo sure as hell wasn’t his hero. Still, Mark typed until his fingers felt raw. 

The 97 scrawled across the top of his printed copy, returned a week later with a slightly smeared red smiley face alongside it, had made it worth it. The knowledge his teacher disclosed to him after class while gushing over his word choice - that nobody in the grade had scored higher than him - doubled his (short-lived) satisfaction. 

Now, Mark’s eyes are laser-focused on the novel in front of him. Their teacher had mentioned in passing that there would be a couple of questions pulled from the book on the last test of the marking period, and he can’t afford to miss anything on the test. He’s got a 98 in the class, and the idea of it dropping makes him squirm. 

It’s nearing 3 am, and he’s desperately wishing that he’d opted to stay at home and study rather than go skateboarding with Jeno and Jisung right after school.  He chides himself on not considering the opportunity cost (God, he’s even thinking in economics now. Economics. Fuck.) before going out. Reaping rewards before sowing them has never worked before - there’s no reason it would’ve today, either. 

There are about four bags of Cheez-Its, a half gallon of water, and 20 milligrams of Adderall lying at the bottom of his stomach. He’s kind of hungry, but he can’t be made to give two shits. Mark tells himself that he can eat later. He hasn’t had dinner yet. It’ll be a reward for finishing the book. 

Mark’s phone buzzes. Once. Twice. Thrice. He pays it no mind. He’s getting nearer and nearer to the end of the novel, and once he finishes he can let himself go for the night. Calculus is done, as well as French, Physics, and Economics (fucking Economics). There’s nothing in his other classes. He’s got swim practice after school, but there’s no way for him to prepare for that. At least - he hasn’t found one yet. 

I'm just fucking lucky I was born with it A hundred million people couldn't deal with this I've been tryna grow cause people kill for it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

“Have you considered sleeping early and waking up early to study?”

You don’t answer with a hello when he calls you back - you never have and never will. It’s 4:14 in the morning and you know that Mark’s calling you back now because he’s finished everything. There’s probably Adderall still in his system and a crease in his forehead from worrying that it still isn’t enough studying or time devoted. 

“Good morning to you, too.” Mark’s voice is low, lower than usual. It’s the lack off sleep, you know this. You shouldn’t find the huskiness in it attractive, but you do. It’s one of the less fucked up side-effects of the stress both him and you put yourselves through. 

“Would be if I wasn’t up at ass o’clock in the morning.”

“Hey - be proud of me. At least I have it in me to work hard like this. The way we’re both going, if we don’t die before college, we can get full rides to the fucking Ivies and end up some crazy millionaire couple on the front of Time magazine. Making 40 million before 40.”

“I love it when you maladaptive daydream to me, babe. Really gets me going.”

Mark chuckles at this, and you hear a rustling sound in the background on his end. He’s putting all of his things into his backpack for tomorrow, you guess. You’re right. 

“And I am proud of you.” You continue, knowing that he’s listening, probably with his phone tucked between his shoulder and ear as he tidies up his desk. He can’t put you on speaker - both of you shudder to think what will happen if either of your parents find out that you’re up at dawn, talking to the significant other neither of you are allowed to have. They think you’re both just best friends - two kids too wrapped up in school to have the time to date, anyways. “But, I think you’re nuts. I think I’m nuts. You’re worse, but... anyways. I’m proud of you, but you never call me back this late. It’s usually a “ttyl” text, or some shit. What’s wrong?”

The line goes silent. He’s stopped moving altogether on his end. 

He sighs. It’s heavy, and kind of empty, and you immediately know that he’s already cried this out. You wait.

This is what he’d been trying to distract himself from with Things Fall Apart. 

“My rank dropped.”

On impulse, you wince in response. The first semester ranks your school had given out not a week earlier are your and Mark’s second to last ranks as seniors - there’s only one semester left to redeem yourself if you fuck up. Even though college applications have been submitted for months and acceptances are about to start coming out, you know that falling still aches.

Top 10% of your class get recognized. Top 10 get special honors and get to walk first. Valedictorian and Salutatorian get to give speeches, five minute pieces that will be forgotten by everyone but them the next day. You’ll all be free for three months before starting the best and worst years of your lives. 

Graduation day is the focus now, as it has been since the first day of ninth grade. You’ve managed to stay well within the top 5%, to your own merit, but Mark’s always been in the top 10 - with walking honors. 

At least, up until last week. 

He’d been 10th at the end of Sophomore year, and now, apparently, he isn’t. 

You can’t begin to imagine how he feels. 

“How much?”

“Two. My GPA went up a wholeass .1, though.” He’s looking for the bright side by himself, now. It’s progress from last year. A part of you is glad. The other half of your heart aches. 

Before you can convey this, or even begin to formulate a response, Mark continues speaking. “I’ve been trying to remind myself that other people would kill to be 12th.” He inhales sharply. “Fuck.”

“And you’d kill to not. You’re killing yourself to not.” 

“I -”

“Mark.”

“I’m fine, baby.” His petname sounds forced, as if he can’t believe his own words. “I’m lucky, I have a good memory. You know this. I don’t work myself nearly as hard as you think I do, or as I should be.” 

“So you don’t pop pills all the damn time so you can study a week’s worth of material in a night?”

Your voice is tight - you’re no stranger to work and overwork, but Mark is on another plane. It feels like he’s so far gone, sometimes, that you can’t touch him. He’s on the other end of the line, but he’s a million miles away.

He lets a puff of air pass through his lips. Seconds tick by. 

Mark breaks the silence.

“It’s getting late. We have class in a few hours. I’ll pick you up at 8?”

You blink. Your anger at him, at the system, and, for almost no reason you yourself can discern, at yourself, wanes just slightly. It really is late - early - and, as if your body realizes this only after Mark says it, you yawn. Mark hears it clearly, letting a small smile grace his features for a split second because of it.

“Night.” It’s short and sweet, but he’s always been able to tell how much you love him. At this point, it doesn’t matter how much or how little you say.

“Night.” His response is just as succinct. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” 

He called, so he hangs up - it’s been your system since the eighth grade. It’s worked surprisingly well for four years.

You wish everything was as easy as who gets to hang up. 

After plugging your phone into its charger and turning into your blanket, you stifle another yawn. Before sleep finds you, you can’t help but whisper it into existence, your words muttered into your pillow for whatever higher power finds them-

Let him Be. He deserves it. Let him Be. He works so, so fucking hard. Let him Be.

Your thoughts are muddled, but that’s because it’s nearing 4:45 in the morning. You aren’t even entirely sure of what you’re saying. For what feels like the millionth time, you wonder how you’ll be able to get up in time for school within 3 hours. You wonder how Mark will do it. A part of you hopes that he forgets to set his alarm and gets the sleep he so desperately needs and deserves. 

He’s leaning against his car, scrolling through something on his phone when you open your door. You don’t bother checking the time. It’s about 7:54. You’d checked your grades about five minutes ago at 7:48. You’re wearing his favorite sweatshirt - the blue swim team one that’s too small on him and too big on you (it’s his damn shoulders, and that’s the only reason why). He appreciates your outfit, checking to make sure that your parents aren’t outside and leaning across the center console to slip his cold hands under the sweatshirt while finding your lips with his own to show you the extent of this appreciation. 

It isn’t until you pull away from him to see that it’s 8:02 that he shifts to Drive, though not before sending you a smirk while buckling his seat-belt and checking his mirrors. 

You check your calendar. 

32 school days ‘til Graduation. 

But I'm into it, I'm into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I'm into it, I'm into it, I'm into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit But I'm into it, I'm into it

25 school days until Graduation

You see it as a well-deserved break. You aren’t quite sure what Mark thinks. A distraction? You hope not. You’re more than just a distraction. You should be, at least. 

There’s not much time to mull this unpleasant thought over, though, as he teasingly nips at the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. One of your hands flies to his hair, while the other keeps you sitting up in his bed while you’re still leaning back. One of his hands is on your thigh, while the other is splayed across your stomach, hiking your camisole up. His shirt is off - it has been for a while. There’s hickeys dotting his collarbone. 

If your mind was working, you’d be admiring your handiwork. 

“Your underwear’s still on,” He moves back slightly so his eyes meet yours, your fingers still entangled in strands of dark brown hair. His lips are red from kissing you earlier. You know for sure that your pupils are blown as wide as his are. “Can I change that?” Mark’s fingers are running over the elastic waistband that separates him from your skin. 

You blink. You swallow.

A voice in the back of your mind begs you to say yes, begs you to guide his head back to where you want his mouth. You haven’t fucked him in weeks, it whispers. If you don’t now, it’ll be even longer.

“Mark,” His name comes out as more of a whine that you expect. He dips his head down, pressing a chaste kiss on your knee.

“Hm?”

You’re this close - this close - to begging him. You can practically feel him on top of you - inside you - already.

Until, of course, your logic prevails.

“Mark,” You say his name again, without the rawness this time. His gaze bores into yours, awaiting your response. 

“Calc.”

Mark stays on his knees for a moment, and in that moment he seems hesitant to move. That’s dangerous - if he stays down any longer, you’ll beg him to continue. 

Thankfully, he presses one last, reverent kiss over your underwear before pushing himself up off of the floor. You’re still holding your breath. 

“I can’t believe I just got cock-blocked by math.” He grins at you, not perturbed. Mark’s nothing if not respectful. He tosses you your shorts before beckoning you back over to the floor beside his desk. 

Mark sits down, cross-legged, in front of you, but not before handing you your math notebook and grabbing his own. Your calculus textbook goes between the two of you.

“We can rain check.” You say. He quirks an eyebrow. 

It’s hot. He’s hot. 

You imperceptibly shake your head - you’re still flustered, and would give anything to be underneath your boyfriend. The only reason you aren’t is because your math grade depends on you acing tomorrow’s calculus test. 

“Come again?” Mark knows what you said - his teasing ass just wants to hear it again. You know what he wants to hear. 

“I want you to fuck me later.” You look him in the eyes, pleased to see a hint of a blush. Sometimes you miss the early stages of your relationship - where Mark had been constantly tripping over his own feet and as red as a fire hydrant. You’d been the smoother one, then. 

One corner of Mark’s mouth turns up, and he leans over the textbook to give you a short kiss. 

“I’m into that.” 

I'm getting way too deep I'm fucking into it I'm into it, yeah I'm into it I wouldn't change it for the world I'm fucking into it

He pulls a pill bottle from a box he keeps in the bottom right drawer of his desk. It’s where he stores everything important to him - polaroids of him and you together, his calendar, the swim team schedule and his list of swim times, his phone charger, his planner... and his Adderall. 

Mark takes his typical dosage into the palm of his hand, swallowing the pills dry. He moves to put the pill bottle back. It’ll be some time before it kicks in, but the rest of the day is ahead of both of you. 

He always takes some before studying, but never asks you to. It’s not something he wants for you. You’ve never asked, too - it’s not something you want for yourself. 

Your tongue feels like sandpaper, though, and every breath you take makes it feel as if there’s more lead in your lungs than air. Your math grade flashes through your mind. You need to ace the test for your grade and, by extension, your sanity. 

“Babe.” Without being fully aware of yourself, you place your hand on top of his. Neither of you will move from the floor in...hours. You’re sure of this. You may as well make the absolute most of it. 

“Give me some.”

I’ve been on the road since I was sixteen They don’t really notice I how I see things These girls they come and go between my bedsheets And I’ve been doing blue and causing big scenes, yeah

17 school days until Graduation

"Remember when we were sixteen?”

“Like... last year? Yeah.”

You turn over onto your side to face your boyfriend, only to find your nose in his bare chest. Mark chuckles. He moves back, allowing you to shift so that you’re face to face with him. 

“Fifteen and sixteen, at least. For sophomore year. Do you remember any of sophomore year?”

“Less depression.” His hard words come out soft, paired with an even softer smile. Mark wraps an arm around your waist, pulling your body into his. Skin on skin. “Less getting laid, too.”

“Shut up,” You’re smiling now, too. The melancholy presses against your thoughts.

“I was talking about the less depression part, actually.”

“What about it?” Mark seems and sounds slightly antsier, all of a sudden. 

As he always does when you bring up things he might not want to hear. 

“Nothing big, just like... don’t you miss it? Going out sometimes and actually feeling like highschoolers?”

“We went to libraries, babe, and to the mall like every couple of months. It wasn’t anything special.”

“It was easier, though.” You bury your face in the crook of his neck, breathing in. His skin is warm - you aren’t surprised. “No drugs and shit.”

Mark pulls away from you, very, very slightly. 

“Adderall isn’t a drug.” His voice is adamant. The speed of his switch from soft to rough is almost alarming. “You’ve had it once. You aren’t addicted.” 

You sigh, choosing not to respond. You’re too fucked out to fight him. Instead, you run the pads of your fingers over his collarbone. 

“No, but I’m addicted to you.”

Pull up and I’m higher than the big trees, yeah She don’t really like it but she needs me, yeah She saying she don’t really miss me But fuck it, now I’m faded after all things, yeah

12 school days until Graduation

“I can’t fucking believe you.” 

He pauses his notes to look up at you, taking in how your eyes are flashing. Your voice is controlled, but the fire in your eyes is unrivaled. The pill bottle is on its side - empty. The last time you’d seen it, which had been the last time you’d thought you’d ever see it, there had been one dosage left. A dosage that you’d been led to believe had ended up being flushed. 

You aren’t mad that he lied - at least, you think you aren’t. You’re mad that he, for the first time in years, broke a promise. 

Mark is unbothered by your tone. You’ll calm down eventually - whether its sooner or later makes no difference to him. Your boyfriend isn’t actually hearing you, anyways. It’s another reason as to why he isn’t really responding. His silence isn’t an invitation for you to continue, but it’s something nonetheless.

You take it.

“Ranks came out three days ago. You’re back in the top 10, Mark. You’re graduating in the top 10. We’re about to graduate, and you’re spending your time still fucking studying even when there’s only two weeks left of our senior year. You’re still on those goddamn pills when you promised me-”

“Just because I reached one goal doesn’t mean that everything else doesn’t matter anymore.” Short. You expected nothing else. 

“What’s everything else? What else is more important than your health? School? We’re pretty much done for three months. We don’t even have any fucking grades left to go in the grade book. We’re done, Mark. Senior year is over.”

He doesn’t respond for a beat of silence - two, three, four beats - fully focused on whatever is in front of him. It isn’t until you cease your pacing to stand directly behind him, hands on the back of his chair, that he even considers gracing you with a comment. 

“I’m looking over my times, trying to make a better workout regime so I can shed milliseconds.” Mark is straight with his words - he wants you to stop talking so he can politely ignore you. His shoulders are hunched into himself, his glasses digging into the bridge of his nose. The way he’s staring at the slightly crumpled time sheet in front of him makes you wonder if it’s possible to re-kill dead trees. 

“Your times are your lock screen.”

“So?”

“So- so? You always have them with you and you’re always looking at them, you don’t need Adderall to work on a workout schedule. You don’t need it at all, if I’m being fucking honest, and-”

He cuts you off for the second time in less than five minutes, his voice as sharp as a knife.

“You have no damn clue what I need.”

Your hands release his chair on reflex as you step back, everything about your body screaming that you’re offended. Mark pays this no heed, turning back to his desk.

It’s just one sentence, eight words, and part of you wants to argue. Part of you wants to bring up all of the times he’s leaned on you, the times you yourself have been exactly what he needs, but you know that that wouldn’t be playing fair. 

He’s gotten like this before, where he’s frozen everyone - frozen you - out without not so much as a thought. You’ve fought before, too, out of inevitability.

He’s never, however, been so blatant or blunt. Nothing he’s ever said before has hurt this much, for some reason. It’s jarring, and, before you know it, your throat is heavy. There are no tears pooling, but you know that they’ll come to you later. 

Without a word, you pick up your belongings. You’d worn one of his sweatshirts to his house, but opt to go home without it. 

Being petty can be subtle, after all. Mark deserves it, you think, anyways. 

You call a goodbye to his mother as you walk out the front door to your car. You make it to the end of his street before having to pull over and park, resting your forehead against the top of the steering wheel. A stray tear finds itself tracing a wellworn track down your face, leaving you to sigh. 

God, crying over a boy? Pathetic.

Your intrusive thoughts are screaming - laughing, hysterically, at your state. You dismiss them, willing yourself to think straight. 

Not just a boy, I’m crying over Mark. 

Sniffling, you beg yourself to get it together. Staying still can only lead to reminiscing over elementary school Mark, who promised you that he’d never leave your side (after, of course, you accidentally eating a worm and bursting into tears out of a fear of dying from it), to 8th grade Mark confessing his feelings for you in PE, moments before getting hit in the face by a particularly well-thrown dodgeball from Yukhei. Mark is as much a boyfriend as he is and almost always has been the most comforting and reliable presence in your life. With him so firmly, without a second thought, dismissing you...

You breathe in. Sharply.

It’s either drive home to avoid the reality of how much of a stronghold Mark has over your feelings or stay parked and traipse down memory lane, like, as you remind yourself, a goddamn pansy. A voice of reason tells yourself not to be harsh on yourself - you’ve known Mark for what? 12? 13? years and it’s normal to be hurt by him brushing you aside. A louder voice tells you to quit pitying yourself.

If Mark hurts himself mentally, you hurt yourself emotionally. 

Blinking away forming tears, you sit back and turn the ignition.  

5:53 pm

mark...us zusak 

>>did you get home safely

                                                                                      maybe<<

>>im glad

                                                                                          cool<<

6:12 pm

>>picking you up tmrw?

                                                                                          sure<<

>>ok

>>i’m really sorry

read 7:09 pm

But I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it, I’m into it, I’m into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

5 days until Graduation

You have to give him credit - after a somewhat teary but controlled argument in his car on the way to school, focused on why Mark really doesn’t need Adderall in his life, and on why he really doesn’t need to carry it with him to college, he really has tried giving it up. All seemed to be going well, even, for a couple of days.

You hadn’t realized how fast withdrawal would hit him. 

It isn’t as if either of you are wholly unprepared - you’ve both seen it happen to others. Adderall withdrawal can be dangerous, heightening both depression and anxiety. Even a slight dip in Mark’s mood has the inside of your mouth drying up. 

You can’t imagine what it feels like for him.

After all, neither of you are strangers to mental illness, but withdrawal is somewhere you can’t say you’ve been. 

Currently, Mark’s tongue is down your throat. The back of your mind screams at you that this is his way of dealing with withdrawal - by getting himself addicted to you. You know that this is the truth - that whatever he’s doing can end up being unhealthy for him - but you don’t have it in you to deny him as his fingers dip beneath the waistband of your jeans and his other hand makes its way under your shirt and bra. 

You can’t help the moans that escape you. 

The pads of his fingers are rough against the skin of your back as he unclasps your bra, pulling it off of you along with your shirt. In the same arc, you hastily pull his shirt over his head, unzipping his jeans not long after. 

It isn’t until you’re splayed out on your bed, eyes already fucked out before he’s even touched you, that Mark breathily asks if you’re sure. As he always does.  

A part of you wants to deny him - for his own good, you tell yourself. Maybe for your own. (Is it possible to get addicted to a person when you aren’t running away from something else?)

The other, larger part of you wants you to pull his head to yours - his lips to yours - by his neck with one hand, taking the condom out of his grip with the other and telling him that you can put it on him yourself. The other, larger part of you wants Mark everywhere, engraved into your skin and lingering on your body.

The other, larger part of you wants - needs - to say yes.

Majority rules. 

But I’m into it, I’m into it I’m getting way too deep I’m fucking into it I’m into it, yeah I’m into it I wouldn’t change it for the world I’m fucking into it

12 hours until Graduation

You find your head against Mark’s shoulder as the two of you recline on the patio’s couch, watching the two of your families interact your joint graduation party. There’ll be a bigger celebration after tomorrow’s ceremony with a bigger crowd, so you cherish the small gathering in your backyard for tonight. Graduation is tomorrow - it almost feels too damn good to be true. The stars are all out, fairy lights have been strung overhead to add to the festivities, there’s laughter rising up from every direction, Mark’s arm is welcome around your shoulders, and you find yourself thinking that you could get used to this. 

“You know, I’m glad that we’re going to college together.”

Mark’s voice brings you out of your thoughts, causing you to look up at him - albeit slightly sideways. You nod, unsure of what to say in response. You’re in agreement with him, of course - even though you’ve both had your ups and downs, a life without as much Mark in it as now is one that you don’t want to imagine. 

He’s been such a constant presence for so long that you’re almost incapable of remembering a time without him. The thought scares you as much as it fills you with love. 

Wow.

You really are starting another chapter in your life. In your lives.

A fresh start - Mark’s still going through withdrawal, and you’re well aware, and just because your high school education is over doesn’t mean that life is automatically easier, now. Still - the next three months and four years after that are something to look forward to, not fear.

You aren’t sure how to voice all of this just yet, opting instead to repeat your awe at high school having ended. 

“High school’s really all over, now. We never have to step back in that building again.”

Mark chuckles at your revelation, running his fingers through your hair absentmindedly.

“What about reunions?”

You roll your eyes at this, resting a hand on his chest momentarily before remembering that your parents aren’t aware of your relationship. Wriggling out of Mark’s grasp before inclining your head towards all four parents, you remain within a comfortable distance to him. He radiates warmth.  

“I’ll only go to them if you and our other friends do. Maybe.”

Mark grins. “Maybe I’ll drag you to them.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He smiles. “I wouldn’t. You’re all I need, anyways.”

“Hyuck? Renjun? Yeri? Jeno?”

“...You’re the one I need the most.”

“Glad to know that you’re an honest man, Mark Lee.” Your teasing tone makes your boyfriend laugh, and you’re hyperaware of how you could get used to this - smiley, lighthearted Mark. 

“Your roommate’s going to have fun with you.” He responds, nudging your shoulder with his. 

“Hey! I’m not the only one who’s a handful. Lucas? That’s your soon-to-be roommate’s name, right? Lucas has his work cut out for him. For his sake I hope you spend time outside of your dorm room.”

Mark grins as he presses his lips to your temple, simultaneously making sure that everyone else’s attention is elsewhere. He moves away as quickly as he’d kissed you, much to your mental chagrin. 

“What? You worried that I’ll leave you for him?” 

It’s your turn to nudge your boyfriend. Before you can respond, Mark’s mother’s voice cuts through the air. 

“Mark? (Name)? It’s time for the cake!” 

Mark gets up first, reaching his hand out to pull you up. 

“We’re coming!” You call, before turning to Mark with a half-grin on your face. “This isn’t over yet.”

Mark squeezes your hand before letting go of it.

“Can’t be over if you never started it.”

“Mark Lee!”

Girl I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it I am into it, I am into it

conGRADs, Mark and (Name)!

The sign is both massive and incredibly cheesy, but the amount of happiness it gives you is immeasurable. It hangs over Mark’s front porch, visible from the other end of the street, and as you and Mark pass by them, any neighbors that are out make sure to congratulate you. 

You aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry. 

The two of you’d escaped the clutches of your overexcited parents a little bit over an hour prior, around 11, under the guise of taking a walk around the neighborhood to talk about your upcoming collegiate futures. That was how you’d ended the night, of course, but before that you’d both beelined to your house, wanting to sit and talk in your bedroom for the time being.  

Discussion of your coming lives had sputtered out after a while - after all, it’s all you’d both been talking about for years, now - and you’d wound up situated in Mark’s lap, laughing against his lips.

“We should have graduation night sex.”

His tone is matter-of-fact, so much so that you roll your eyes at his bluntness. “We’re going to have to get back eventually.”

“We have time!”

His laugh against your collarbone is enough to tell you that nothing’ll happen tonight, that time together will just be time together. Still, you can’t help but respond.

“Yeah, time enough at college. We’ll be out of the house in 3 months, baby.”

Mark wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you impossibly closer, pressing a chaste kiss to the junction of your jaw and neck. It tickles. 

“We won’t have to sneak around and shit, either.” You continue, lightly running your hand through his hair. 

“We didn’t sneak around much this year, anyways. Our parents are just oblivious as fuck.”

“True-” You feel your phone vibrate, causing you to squirm around to reach it for a moment before Mark pulls it from your back pocket and hands it to you, mirth in his eyes. You scrunch up your nose at him before answering - its your mom.

“Where are you?” She sounds slightly worried, so you’re quick to mention that you’re with Mark and near your house, both safe and sound.  

“Come back quickly - Mark’s cousins are planning on sleeping soon because they start their four hour drive back at 6 in the morning, and we don’t want them to miss their chance to say good night to him.” 

You reply with a quick “I’ll tell him - love you.” before she hangs up. Sliding off of Mark’s lap, you help him up.

“Did you hear what she said, or?”

“Yeah. Your call volume’s always been too loud.” 

“I, for one, like to think that it’s just loud enough, thanks.”

Mark grins, choosing to loop an arm around your waist instead of replying.

The moment the two of you step inside, careful not to stand too close to each other, you’re bombarded by exclaims from family and friends and family friends alike. It’s getting late, and people are starting to gather up their belongings. You yourself are staying the night, however - otherwise, Mrs. Lee would riot.

You don’t mind. 

You close the front door behind you, being pulled into the group of people the moment that you do. 

As Mark is dragged into the ending remarks of a conversation with his aunts about something that you can’t quite hear, your mother’s friend’s young daughter tugs you down to her level to congratulate you, shyly placing a pipe-cleaner flower - clearly made by her - behind your ear. 

You kiss her cheek before she runs away out of shyness, far quicker than you expect her to be able to. Laughing, you stand up, only to be pulled into a discussion about your plans for college with your parents and one of your uncles. 

You briefly make eye contact with Mark - who’s also been given a pipe-cleaner flower - once, winking at him discreetly before turning back to nod along to your uncle’s rant over how you shouldn’t push your passions under the rug for your profession. You don’t see your boyfriend make his way through the throng of people gathered in his foyer - most have started filtering out, leaving by foot or by car - until you feel his hand against the small of your back for a quick moment. 

He shakes your father’s hand and hugs your mother before introducing himself to your uncle, who knows of him but doesn’t know him. Time passes quicker with Mark by your side, and, before you know it, it’s 2 am and the only people left in Mark’s how are both of your direct families and your uncle, who’s staying at your house for the night. 

“You have everything? Toothbrush? Pajamas?”

You sigh, looking pointedly at your father. 

“I’m a college student!”

“Doesn’t mean that you’re responsible.” 

You and your dad grin together before you shake your head. Both of your parents and your uncle bid you and the Lees goodnight before Mark’s parents follow them outside, probably to continue talking for a little bit more. 

Mark closes the door behind them, turning to you immediately after only to find that you’re already halfway upstairs. He shakes his head affectionately before following you up to his room. 

“(Name), you did remember a toothbrush, right?”

“Yeah, but I forgot clothes.”

“I guess you’ll just have to sleep naked - ow!” Mark rubs the skin on his arm where you’d lightly smacked him. It doesn’t erase the playful grin from his face. “Fuck you, fine. You can borrow some pajamas, or something.” 

You laugh as you flop down onto his bed before humming inquisitively to yourself for a moment over a question you’ve been mulling over in your head for a short while. You know that summer’s just started, but you can’t help but wonder how it’ll go.

“What’s your plan for this summer? Other than getting ready for our courses and stuff.”

Mark furrows his brows at this while he strips, changing into shorts and a shirt before throwing you one of his longest shirts. You change as well, folding your clothes neatly and placing them on his desk chair to take home tomorrow. 

“I haven’t thought about it, honestly. Why?” Mark turns off the hallway lights and opens his door halfway - a rule his parents have for his bedroom door whenever you sleep over. It’s fair, you suppose, even if they don’t know that you’re together. Maybe it’s especially because they don’t know that you’re together. 

Mark turns off the light after laying his sleeping bag down on the floor, giving you the bed as always. 

Tomorrow, you’ll wake up on the floor next to him, also as always.   

“I was thinking...” 

“Yeah?”

You turn on your side to face your boyfriend in the dark.

“I was thinking that we could take a road trip.” 

A long silence follows your statement, and you begin thinking that you’ve made a mistake asking until, in the dark, you can see the faint outline of Mark’s smile.

“I’m free all summer, babe. Just tell me where and when.”

“For real?” 

The excitement in your voice is almost tangible, and you’re half embarrassed at how childish you must sound. Mark, to his merit, just nods while smiling.

He looks up at you, and, even in the dark, you can see the softness in his eyes.

“Yeah,” He pauses, grinning at you. 

“I’m into it.”

fin... for now?

im shit at endings but also this has been like...a month coming...i’m gonna come back and rewrite this someday but yeet enjoy.... i should’ve reread before posting but w/e 

[momentsinsong]

Moments In Song No. 021 - Tromac Pineapple

“Moments In Song” asks people one simple question, “What are you listening to?” For every installment we ask someone to make a playlist of 10 songs they’re listening to, whether it be something new they stumbled upon, or a song they’ve always loved, and explain the story behind their choices. We aim to show that no matter where we come from, what we do, or what we look like, music has the ability to bring us together.

DMV producer/rapper/DJ Tromac Pineapple reaches every corner of Hip-Hop and brings it together in his playlist. We talk to him about digging through Bandcamp for music, what makes a good DJ, and his new project the Velour Vandal EP.

Listen to Tromac’s playlist on Apple Music and Spotify. 

Words and photos by Julian.

_________________________________________________________

Julian: First thing I wanted to ask you is what the thought process was behind making your playlist? People always say it’s hard picking 10 songs to squeeze into it. 

Tromac: Well I wanted to spread across my taste as wide as possible. I actually had a hard time once I got to like 7 songs because I was like, “Damn, I can only put in three more of those joints, but I know 5 that I could pick.” I pretty much just wanted to touch on the different types of music I like. I still didn’t even get across all of it.

I noticed that a majority of the playlist was Hip-Hop, but different types of Hip-Hop. You have some boom bap stuff with “Free (Type Shit),” Dilla, and Anderson. Then you have more turn up stuff like WiFIGawd and Ghostie. That Ghostie song caught me off guard. It has a little house feel to it that I wasn’t expecting.

Yeah see I had to add that, because Ghostie is one of the most versatile artists I know. As versatile as this playlist is, he’s six times as versatile as that. As a fellow producer in this area, I have a whole lot of respect for him. And that’s my mans, so I’ll be listening to it anyway. Shit be cranking, no matter what genre he tackles. And then I also have the “Free (Type Shit)” joint because it’s just so smooth and it hits. The beats, the boom bap. That’s one of my favorite things in Hip-Hop. It’s just so powerful. That’s also why I got the J Dilla joint on there. That’s like my favorite Dilla beat of all time. Straight slap, the drums, the snares. The whole thing. It's just hard. Classic. Undeniable.

When did you first really start listening to music and developing your own taste, instead of just listening to what was on the radio?

Pretty much when I was in 9th or 10th grade. Back then my main taste was just mixtapes and shit. The first favorite rapper I ever had was Lil Wayne, and he’s still like top 5 to me to this day. I would just listen to endless mixtapes, because before I graduated High School I just loved to listen to underground shit. I literally didn’t listen to albums and would only listen to mixtapes. I would listen to the first three Droughts, Sorry 4 the Wait. That was my favorite mixtape of all times for like 18 years (laughs).

Were you on DatPiff and all those sites?

Oh bruh, I had a DatPiff account, LiveMixtapes, Sprinrilla, all of that. 

So how did listening to mostly mixtapes branch off into listening to other types of artists and other types of music?

Well basically every now and then I would look into what was new that week…

Still on the mixtape websites, or is this on something else?

Yeah still the mixtape sites but at this point I also got into Bandcamp, and that was some real underground type shit. When I got into Bandcamp I was also making my own music at this point and was posting it on there. I would hashtag that shit and then click on them to see who else was posting music from Laurel, MD, or PG County, or just Maryland in general. That’s how I found a bunch of other local artists, like my homies Fonlon and Kente from NASA8, Tek.Lun and other guys. They had the same hashtags because we were all from Laurel. And then from there I would look at other hashtags like #HipHopBeats, and I would discover artists like Madbliss. Searching through hashtags led to me finding a bunch of random bands on Bandcamp, and I feel like that really opened the door for me to be on the lookout for other genres of music.

You said earlier this is when you started making music?

Yeah I started making music in 10th grade. 

So is that writing rhymes? Making beats? Both?

Making beats. I mean I was freestyling with my friends all the time, and writing rhymes down in my notebook, but I wasn’t rapping on beats until 11th grade, which was around 2013. I didn’t rap on my own beats until 2014 because I knew my shit wasn’t good (laughs). But it eventually got to a point where I could hit my own stuff instead of YouTube “type beats.” I knew early on “type beats” wasn’t the wave. It is the wave for some people, but it wasn’t the wave for me. And I knew that early on because you can’t really build a solid body of work just taking random beats. Even if you get a bunch of random beats from different producers, it’s more that needs to go into a project than that.

When you first started making music, who were some of your influences when it came to producing? I would assume Dilla is one, or did that not come until later?

I knew about J Dilla because I would hear my parents listen to Erykah Badu and Common, so when my Dad found out that I was making beats he would be like, “Oh so you wanna be like Dougie Fresh and J Dilla?” and I was like, “Who the hell are these people?” All I knew was like Mike WiLL Made-It because that was what I was hearing. I wasn’t too keen on producers at that level. The producers I did know were like Flying Lotus, Tek.Lun, Kaytranada, Sam Gellaitry and that was all through Soundcloud. Some of my favorite producers would be the ones I randomly found on Soundcloud.

Can you talk more about how discovering these local artists’ music on the internet led to you linking up with them, and not just working with them but them becoming your homies.

Literally just through showing love and support through the music. I started coming out here to Baltimore for events and chilling with the homies as a way to immerse myself in the scene. Of course, you met people, you tell people you do music, and eventually the link forms itself. And if you’re good the link grows with a lot of people. When you’re genuine, genuine things happen for you. I’ve never been a “clout chaser” or anything like that. It’s always been, “This dude is really dope. He’s the homie of my homie.” 

I agree with that 100%. I feel like every connection or relationship I’ve made with someone in the arts scene has been on some person to person type stuff. Not even like artist to artist, or creative to creative type stuff, but just like as a person. And I feel like you were saying it just grows from there. 

Definitely. People who are just creative in general. Photographers, painters, dancers, even like fucking bartenders. Athletes, anyone who’s mind moves faster than the normal individual. I remember when I was learning how to drive my driving instructor told me that people who are athletes and artists tend to get adapted to driving easier, because their brains work more than the average individual because they have a craft they need to constantly focus on. Whatever activity you’re involved in, your brain works harder to adapt to that.

So beats came first, and then the raps. Where does the DJing come into that?

So the DJing came in because I had probably performed 3 or 4 times rapping, but then I was really confident in my beats and I wanted to start performing my beats. By this time, 2015/2016, I would be seeing videos of dudes like eu-IV, j.robb, other producers I looked up to, random Boiler Room videos, and was thinking, “Why can’t I perform my shit?” So I started creating mixes in FL Studio, and learned to DJ through that. It was tedious as fuck, but I had time because I was kid and didn’t have shit to do (laughs). 

I feel like that shows in your sets now. The last one I saw from you, you had a transition from some house song to a Gucci Mane song that was crazy. Never would I have thought to put those two tracks together.

Literally when I DJ, I just play the music that I like. That Gucci Mane song just came back into my rotation like a week ago and I was just like, “Damn I don’t remember this shit being so hard. I gotta play this at a show!” A lot of it is on the fly. I don’t really plan too much outside of downloading the music. I always go off of the crowd and how I feel. Sometimes I’ll download 30 songs for a set and only end up playing like 13, and the rest of the set would’ve been made up of songs I’ve played at other shows.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a show, and have been practicing the week before, and had a playlist ready, and you go in and the crowd is totally different, the energy changes, so you have to play off the cuff. I feel like as much emphasis you put on practicing and preparing, you also need to have the skill of being able to be on your toes and change on the drop of a dime.

I feel like if you’re a good DJ, that should already be a thing. You should know. You pick up on things like that automatically. The shows are practice. You’re not gonna get the same experience at a show, practicing at home. That’s why I feel like if you’re just starting out you should take as many opportunities as you can, and get a feel of what your lane is. I used to take any show I could. I would DJ baby showers, college pools parties, everything. You gotta find your lane, figure out what type of crowds your best in, and switch it up every now and then.

What can you tell me about the new project you got coming up? What kind of sound and themes can people expect from it? 

So the new project is called the Velour Vandal EP, and it’s basically establishing myself as a rapper in the game. I’ve had rap projects before, I’ve had beat tapes, but this is my first official EP. I want people to hear this and think, “Ok, Tromac is actually trying to make it type shit.” It’s really just a lot of crank on this joint, but it’s not like I was in this joint like, “Fuck your bitch…”

You put some thought into it.

Yeah! There’s some lyrics that you gotta ask about. I’m trying to make something that’ll hit, stick, and has good content. All the people I’m working with on it are people I know care and are passionate about music. The intro is produced by me and Koleco, I’m recording all of the songs with Martin J. Ballou, I got Vlad on a song, I got Ghostie. Pretty much have all people I know are serious about music. I want this project to be something. 

Yeah it’s like your introduction as a whole artist.

Yeah. And the whole thing behind the title is for like the last year or so, I’ve become really fond of velvet and have been buying a lot of it. People would always tell me I’m a bear, because I’m big and shit, soft and cuddly, just a cozy ass nigga. I have a thing where I give myself a bunch of alisas, and Velour Vandal just happen to be one of them, and I was like, “Hmm. I can do something with that.”

Any last words about your playlist and what you want the people to get from it?

I want people to go into it with a blank slate. Almost pretend like you’ve never heard music before, be reintroduced to all the different genres and aspects of these songs, and cultivate a new taste from that. 

Connect with Tromac Pineapple:

https://twitter.com/TromacPineapple

https://www.instagram.com/tromacpineapple/

https://soundcloud.com/tromac

Connect with Moments In Song:

https://www.instagram.com/momentsinsong/

https://twitter.com/moments_in_song

https://tinyurl.com/MISAppleMusic

https://tinyurl.com/MISSpotify

[kylorenpunk]

Do them all. Suffer as I did 😂

Bitch I told you this was our friendship. We force each other to answer all the questions. 

1. selfie

Well… I wasn’t dubbed Selfie Queen for nothing… 

This one is interesting bc I have zero makeup on. The most recent ones are too blurry. A lot of my fav selfies are full faces of makeup tho. 

2. what would you name your future kids?

I feel like that’s a decision for both parents but I really like the names Felicity, Isabella and Dimitri. Yes, all of them are names from various franchises I enjoyed throughout the years. Be glad I’m out of my phase where I thought Vladimir was a good name. 

3. do you miss anyone?

I miss all my friends I don’t get to see frequently. Love all of y’all and hope y’all are doing well in life! 

4. what are you looking forward to?

Fucking graduating. Jesus Christ it’s taken me five damn years. 

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

From my club it’s Chris, Yara and Josephine. Also my entire friend group from back home. Honestly I love my friends so much. 

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

I feel like every situation is different so that’s a tough question to answer. 

7. what was your life like last year?

I honestly don’t remember much from December of last year. It was a good time though. 

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

I’m an emotional bitch. I’ll cry over anything. I cried over fucking Mulan the other day. 

9. who did you last see in person?

My parents and brother. Earlier in the day my club. 

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

I’m shit at it. My face gives away everything. The other day my professor was going into her inspiration porn narrative and I just gave her a cold dead look the entire time. 

11. are you listening to music right now?

No but I have the Hamilton soundtrack stuck in my head right now since that’s what I was last listening to. If you haven’t heard it I highly suggest it. Man I wanna see it so badly. 

12. what is something you want right now?

Sleep but I’m trying not to throw off my sleep schedule right now and am waiting a bit before going to bed. I only got three hours of sleep last night so that’s fun. 

13. how do you feel right now?

Kinda tired. Relieved that I got two service projects in a row done today. It’s been a long weekend. 

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

My friend Sebastian hugged me when I dropped him off. I guess that counts. 

15. personality description

I’m a makeup loving nerd who enjoys sitting in pajamas watching anime and superheros as much as she enjoys swatching EVERY lipstick in Sephora. According to my friends I can’t go 5 seconds without mentioning how old I feel and my love for Dungeons and Dragons. I’m also an asshole. (Wow this sounds like a 12 year old writing this)

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yeah tons of times. It’s bitten me in the ass. Oh well live and learn I guess? 

17. opinion on insecurities.

Everyone has them? If they say they don’t then they are lying. Mine is mainly related to my appearance or how I speak. 

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?

I miss how things were in the beginning of this year. It started off strong then kinda turned into a shit show. 

19. have you ever been to New York?

No but it’s my top thing on my bucket list. My friends and I are highly considering a trip. 

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

Of all time: Get Low by Lil Jon 

Currently: “Told You So” by Little Mix (If you haven’t heard their new album I highly suggest it if you love girl groups that preach women empowerment) 

21. age and birthday?

22 - June 21st (She’s a Cancer)

22. description of crush.

I don’t have a hardcore crush right now. More like 5 second crushes that are over the second they do something I don’t like. 

Edit: Currently “celebrity?” crush is Nathan Sharp. I am seriously considering dropping $55 to see him at a convention this month. 

23. fear(s)

Heights, something terrible happening to my loved ones, wild snakes, and the usual common anxiety fears 

24. height

Five foot three inches. I’m short. Yes I know it’s not that short but tall people like to put me in the short category anyway. 

25. role model

My mom’s coworker who was my internship supervisor. She has a doctorate’s in what I want to do and is amazing at what she does. The amount of knowledge and experience that women has is incredible. She is also extremely funny and knows how to teach with a sense of humor which I appreciate. 

26. idol(s)

Celebrity idols? I don’t really idolize celebrities bc humans are humans and have flaws. 

27. things i hate

Immaturity, intolerance of differences, demeaning slurs, The Last Jedi, and the new Fantastic Beasts movie 

28. i’ll love you if…

Play with my hair, are kind to my friends and family, share common interests, show an interest in what I have to say, basically respect me and those close to me and we’re good 

29. favourite film(s)

Hairspray, High School Musical, The Greatest Showman, Stardust, The Harry Potter series, Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy

30. favourite tv show(s)

Jane the Virgin, Naruto (fuck off I hate myself too ok), the first three seasons of Arrow before it turned to shit

31. 3 random facts

I’m not artistically talented but I genuinely enjoy makeup and creating looks

I have a nonverbal brother with autism and he’s my favorite person ever

I completely programmed my brother’s communication device by myself 

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Now my friends are mainly girls but when I lived in Tampa 90% of my friends over there were guys (Hi Mason). I’m going to say that’s bc of us all playing video games in the Delta lounge (RIP Dirty D). But yeah now it’s mainly girls and 80% of my dude friends are gay. 

33. something you want to learn

Sign Language. Ice skating. Hairstyling. Fashion (I’m trying to be better about putting clothes together). Also I’m down to learn more about makeup and techniques 

34. most embarrassing moment

Either farting while doing an air guitar in front of my entire girl scout troop

or signing to my friend that I liked her friend at a party and his brother repeated what I had signed out loud in front of everyone

wait. No. When I F U C K E D  up in front a super hot guy while volunteering and then chose an 18 year old jock as my wingman. 18 year olds are dumbasses. Don’t use them as wingmen. Fuck you Khaled. 

35. favourite subject

In grade school I think it was English or History. It really all depended on the year. 

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

VISIT NEW YORK 

Hike the Smokey Mountains 

Visit Europe 

37. favourite actor/actress

Chris Evans (especially when he is trying to fight orange president on twitter) 

Also Mark Hamill is perfect 

38. favourite comedian(s)

I don’t watch comedians often. I guess the Fluffy guy? 

39. favourite sport(s)

The only time I give a shit about sports is when my university is undefeated or playing my first university in football. Or the soccer world cup if it’s on. However I appreciate the skill it takes to do a sport. 

40. favourite memory

San Antonio. It was my first time traveling without family and it was the greatest time. It was such a cool city 

41. relationship status 

Single - I take my sweet ass time 

42. favourite book(s)

Eragon (No, I haven’t finished the entire series. No, I don’t want spoilers bc I will do it eventually.) 

43. favourite song ever

“Get Low” by Lil Jon 

“Look Through My Eyes” by Phil Collins 

44. age you get mistaken for

Last year I got mistaken twice in a row within an hour for a middle schooler. I was 21 at at that time. During my internship one of the parents asked me if I had any kids. I’m either mistaken as a parent or as a 13-15 year old. There is no in between.  

45. how you found out about your idol

N/A since I don’t have an idol

46. what my last text message says

“lmao it’s alright” to Joey but the previous one is more funny “thankfully no one threw up this time” in regards to my friend’s party last night

47. turn ons

Well I aint about to talk about my sex life so let’s go with personality 

Common interests such as superheros or anime, charismatic, easy to get along with, common goals in life, cares about their loved ones, has passion, and someone I can hold an intellectual conversation with 

48. turn offs

rudeness, immaturity, inattentiveness, bad tempers, superiority complex, not being genuine, judging others, treating people like objects, and general lack of care for others or themselves

49. where i want to be right now

Back in the smokey mountains in a cabin watching movies and anime

50. favourite picture of your idol

N/A 

51. starsign

She’s an emotional Cancer

52. something i’m talented at

Apparently I’m good with kids      Makeup too I guess? 

53. 5 things that make me happy

friends, family, nerdy shit, makeup and Kakashi

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

Some shit happened last night that has me worried for some friends but I’m sure they’ll figure it out 

55. tumblr friends

A shit ton of y’all I know IRL. I won’t tag y’all bc that’s annoying af 

Joey’s my only internet friend @earthschampion (answer my text bitch) 

56. favourite food(s)

pasta, empanadas, crab rangoons, taziki sauce 

57. favourite animal(s)

Meerkats and koala bears

58. description of my best friend

K @burnitstronger: realest damn friend you will ever have. Will tell you how it is and provide never ending love and support. Never understands my dumbass shenanigans but loves me anyway. Love you boo 

J : Will also tell you how it is and forces you to watch Naruto and ruin your damn life. Will happily go with you to eat junk food after class. Will fight anyone who wrongs you and is def still plotting revenge on all my ex’s. Stans Loona

M: Will scream at you in Leo in a frightening but loving way. Has the best damn fashion sense I have ever seen. Is the friend that comes by when I need her to and brings a shit ton of snacks and love (J does this as well).

59. why i joined tumblr

I was bored on fourth of July in 2012 and my friends kept telling me that this website would be fun. Also the avengers “fandom” from back then 

60. ask me anything you want

I would say I’m sorry Mason but I enjoy making all my friends suffer. Make sure to give him a follow bc he’s cool. @masonjar828

[basic-banshee]

large black coffee (part 5)

A Carry On Coffeeshop - AU/ College - AU | inspired by this beautiful art.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

I’d never really thought about what a date with Baz might be like, and while this is definitely not what I would have assumed, this is exactly what I would want.

Baz

“Simon, he’s here!”

Bunce is standing in the doorway in front of me and I swear her hair is a different colour than it was two days ago. I can’t see inside the flat because she’s blocking it, and her hands on one hip as she leans against the door. Her eyes are trained on me, going over my frame carefully as if she’s searching me for weapons.

“Is that food?” she asks curiously, eyeing the plastic bag in my hand. I nod.

“Smart man,” she grins, and steps back to grant me access.

Their flat is small but almost impossibly cosy, with a couch and overstuffed chairs pushed into the corner and almost every spare spot littered with books. Snow is on the couch in the corner, his eyes locked on to the TV, where it looks like he’s watching some baking show — or so I assume, until I see him glance sideways at me and then quickly glance back when I catch him.

I drop the food on their kitchen counter and shrug out of my coat. The movement is more difficult than I’d like to admit.

“What’s that?” Snow asks. He’s trying to pretend that he’s not interested.

“Take away,” I respond. “I figured we’d need fuel. There’s enough for you as well, Bunce.”

I shift uncomfortably from my kind gesture. Snow’s eyes are wide, and he’s staring between me and the bag with an expression of pure delight.

I’d expected some kind of reaction — I know Snow loves food, he spends all of class shoving snacks in his face — but I didn’t expect this level of adoration.

“Where are we setting up then?” I say stiffly. I’m deeply uncomfortable. I want to get this going, but this is Snow’s flat. He’s in charge. Normally that sentence would thrill me, but not tonight. I want to kill him. I want to destroy this PowerPoint. I want to burn this entire fucking project to the ground. I don’t even care that I’m here, with Snow, on a Friday night. I’m miserable and nauseated. And my nose is stuffed up.

“Oh, er,” he says. My eyes flick in annoyance. He hasn’t thought this through. 

“I’m going to Agatha’s,” Bunce announces. “The table is yours.” She quickly snaps her laptop closed and gathers up the mess of papers and books spread out in front of it. Suddenly my pulse ticks up. I wasn’t prepared to be alone in Snow’s flat with him. 

She’s out the door before Snow or I have a chance to say anything, and then, suddenly, we’re alone.

Snow is just staring at me. 

I suppose I’ll have to take charge, then.

I drop my bag, pull out my computer, and settle myself at the table. I pull up the ridiculous presentation we’re supposed to be working on, and turn to him.

“I’ve made the basic structure, and done the bibliography. All we really need to do is organise the slides and compile our research together.”

Simon

He showed up with takeaway.

I’d never really thought about what a date with Baz might be like, and while this is definitely not what I would have assumed, this is exactly what I would want.

Not that this is a date. We’re studying. It’s definitely not a date.

If this were a fantasy date, he’d be wearing those joggers. I bet he wears the joggers at home.

This is mental. I’ve got to snap out of this. It’s difficult though; ever since I caught myself admiring Baz, he’s all I can think about. I guess it’s not that different from before. I definitely thought about him a lot. I’d think about his hair that time he had it half up and half down, or how his eyes were the exact colour of a rainy day. 

But now I keep thinking about wanting to to run my hand through his hair. And I think I want to kiss him. That’s definitely new.

I’ve got to stop. He’s over there, half dead, pushing through to get our bloody project done, whilst I’m here, objectifying him. I hate this. I hate him. This is weird. He looks like shit, like he’s going to drop dead at any minute.

Baz

This was a bad idea.

I still feel too sick to take control of the situation. I shouldn’t have agreed to come here. I should have just told him to do his part and send it to me.

At least I managed proper trousers today. 

I still can’t believe I went out in those joggers. I never wear them. But I didn’t have the strength to button my real trousers, and when you’re that sick, you don’t have much capacity for self respect. 

I feel well enough to care today, but I almost wore them again. I spent all day sleeping in the damn things, and I was exhausted when my alarm went off, reminding me that I was to meet Snow, and the idea of putting on real clothing suddenly seemed impossible. And somewhere, in the back of my mind, was that fever-induced hallucination from the other day, wherein I was positive that Snow had checked out my backside.

I wish I had worn the joggers.

Simon

I’ve got to stop staring at him. I have to look absolutely mad. 

I grab my own laptop from the spot on the couch next to me and move to the table. I set up across from him and eye the takeaway. Would it be rude to crack into it first?

He’s already seated and typing away at his laptop, so I decide to go for it. Food calms me. 

“So why are you in this class?” I ask in between shoving three chips in my mouth. He doesn’t even look at me.

“Why are you?” he snaps back. I think he’s tired. He’s not as sharp today, and there are dark circles underneath his eyes.

I shrug.

“No one told me I had to take it first year. I sort of just found out.”

“Your advisor didn’t tell you about the mandatory first year seminar?” 

I shake my head.

“Nah, I ‘spose he had a lot on his mind at the time. Anyway, I only found out when Penny was talking to her younger sister about it, and I realised I hadn’t taken something like that, so, you know, here we are.”

“Your advisor had so much on his mind that he couldn’t do his literal job of telling you what classes you needed to take?”

Baz seems to be hung up on this point. His lip curls up. 

“Incompetent,” he mutters, still looking at his computer. “Who’s your advisor?”

“Professor Mage.”

Baz stops typing and turns to me. He looks seriously pissed.

“Mage? The dean? The dean of the college was too busy to tell you what classes to take.” He’s practically crackling with derision. “Typical. You should have put in for a transfer.”

My hackles go up. Yeah, I was pretty pissed at Mage for forgetting that detail — and I sometimes wonder if there’s anything else about my degree he’s forgotten to tell me — but I feel a bit protective of him. He’s really gone out on a limb for me. 

“Why would I do that? I like Mage. He’s done a lot for me.”

“Like almost cause you to delay your degree?” Baz spits out.

“No, he sponsored my application because I didn’t know any alumni.”

Baz’s fingers have frozen above his keyboard now, and he turns to stare at me.

My stomach drops.

Baz

Snow is the charity case.

I don’t know how I never put this together before. Now that I hear it, it’s obvious. Of course Snow is Mage’s pet project. Who else would be?

Ever since he took over as Dean after my mother’s death, Professor Mage has been on a reform kick. He’s petitioned to lower the graduation requirements to make them less difficult. He’s expanded scholarships, and been on a mission to open up acceptances. And these would be good reforms, if it weren’t for the fact that they were actively devaluing the prestige of the university and destroying the academic excellence that my mother worked hard to achieve.

I’d heard there was a charity case kid in my year, some kid that did not have the grades or scores to get into Watford, who the Mage had picked up in bumfuck London, “sponsored”, and pushed through. 

It was all my father would talk about for a summer, the kid who Mage was determined to push to the top of the class, who would give back to the community, who was going to show how much better Watford would be out of the hands of the wealthy elite.

When my mother was dean, the school was ruled by the elite, I’ll give him that. You needed an alumni connection or some kind of sponsor to get in. But my mother made sure every student deserved to be here based on merit. No one bought their way in.

“Mage sponsored you?” I repeat quietly. Simon shrugs.

“Yeah. He gave me a huge chance. I’m not going to give him grief for forgetting one class.”

“Is that why you’re an English concentration? Because Mage teaches English?”

Simon shrugs again.

“A bit. He suggested it, and it seemed like the most sensible route.”

“So why were you in Statistics last year?”

I can’t help myself, I know I’m interrogating him, but I’m just so unbelievably shocked by this turn of events. Snow is the charity case. The kid who doesn’t deserve to be here.

That isn’t even what pisses me off, honestly. It’s his dedication to Mage.

Professor Mage is a self-important prick who has spent years destroying my mother’s legacy, and Snow is practically licking his boots. Does Snow just do everything he’s told, even when he know it’s not in his best interest? Or does he just hero worship Mage?

And not to mention I’ve now let slip that I remember him from before the cafe, that I remember him from that class. No wonder he struggled in it.

He’s flushing though. His ears are turning red and he’s staring at the table, and he’s getting flustered because he’s starting to sputter.

“I... I had to take maths”

“Why not take the same entry level maths all the Humanities kids take?”

“Because, well, it was full, and—“

“Because Mage told you to.”

“So?”

“Because he wanted you to succeed outside your element and prove you deserve a spot here.”

“What’s wrong with wanting me to succeed?” He shouts. He’s pushed back from the table, and he’s breathing heavily.

Simon

This absolute prick. This complete, utter, absolute fucking prick.

I knew his mum was the dean here before; as soon as I heard his name I knew. Mage talks about his mum all the time, about how elitist and classist she was.

Penny thinks Mage is actually a bit sexist and racist, especially when he gets on those rants, but I’ve told her that he just wants to make the school more accessible. He’s not shutting people out, he’s helping people get in.

“So far our great ‘diversity champion’ is a white man who has thus far lowered our acceptance requirements, overloaded student housing, accepted students who can’t keep up, and replaced our one-on-one, analytical, research-heavy, tutor-based classes with huge lecture classes designed to teach kids how to make power points,” Penny snapped back. I know she was just quoting her mum though, because her mum has said the exact same thing.

Penny doesn’t like Mage, and it’s been a bit of a stressor in our relationship, but at least Penny believes in me. Even if he got me in as a test case, I’ve done well. I’ve done really well, even considering when I make a total muck of things. I dig in, and I always get myself out of my messes.

And now here’s fucking Baz, who got in on his name, who doesn’t know shit about me, who’s demeaning that success.

He’s gone quiet again, but his eyes are still burning.

“And did you succeed in Statistics?” He asks quietly. I flush. He knows I didn’t. He watched me flounder all term until Penny helped me squeak by.

“Why did you apply to Watford?” He asks suddenly. I don’t even have a chance to tell him off for making fun of my maths incompetency, because I’m so thrown.

“What?”

“Why Watford?”

“My... I was told to. Someone suggested it to me.”

“Do you always do what you’re told?” He sneers. “Your parents must have been very proud, to find a way to get you in here and then set you off. Did you choose this, or did they decide for you? Have they told you what you’ll be doing after graduation? Has Mage told you?”

I could kill him. My hands are shaking like they haven’t shook in years, and I’m ready to throttle him.

“I applied here because I aged out of the care home and wanted to go to uni, and my social worker said I had great scores and was a good candidate for a scholarship Watford was offering. I don’t know what I’m doing after graduation. I focus on things one step at a time.”

I meant to shout it, but it comes out quiet.

I’m glad I didn’t throttle him, because my even, level voice has shocked him far more than my fists ever could.

Baz

I’m an absolute prick. A complete, utter, absolute fucking prick.

Simon

He’s still staring at me, his grey eyes wide, and I just need him to say something. 

I see that he feels bad. I can tell, he’s realising he went too far, but then it’s shifting, and I know what’s about to come. I know his face is about to change to pity, and I won’t take pity, not from him.

Baz

“I got in here because my mum used to be the dean. I had perfect scores, but even if I didn’t, I would have gotten in.”

I don’t know why I’m saying this. But I feel like I have to do something, say something to show that I know I went too far. It would be better to just apologise, but I don’t know how to do that.

“I didn’t take this class because I thought it was stupid and I assumed I could get an exemption because of who I am, but Mage wouldn’t let me.”

Simon

I was not expecting this.

“You’re an elitist prick,” I say.

Baz

“Yes I am,” I say slowly. “And you speak like a Neanderthal.”

Simon

“Is that supposed to be an apology?” I have no idea what’s happening, but Baz nods.

“Yes, it is.”

“You can’t even say it,” I say. “You can’t even apologise without insulting me.”

Baz

“Do you want me to be nice to you? Do you want me to congratulate you on pulling yourself up through hard work, and apologise for making shitty assumptions about your background?”

He nods.

“Yeah, actually, that would be great.”

“I’m not going to apologise for not liking Mage. Sponsorship or no, he’s not doing you any favours by forgetting about your education until he needs to shove you into a difficult position to make him look good.”

“It’s just maths. It’s not like he asked me to go slay a dragon.”

“Simon, he pushed you into a class you had no business being in, which could have severely impacted your grades and kept you from graduating. Do you see me in a creative writing class? No. Because it’s outside of my skill set.”

Simon

“I bet you’d be good at it,” I say. It pops out before I can help it. This entire thing has been mental. We were supposed to be working on a project, and instead we shouted at each other about the academic prestige of a fucking university and then I told him I’m a fucking orphan, and now we’re arguing about maths. This is insane. This is so fucking insane.

“What?” He says. He sounds a bit dense. It’s not his usual reply.

I shrug.

“I’m just saying, you’d probably be good at it. You’re good at literally everything else.”

I flush a bit. I didn’t intend to compliment him.

“No I’m not,” he says. I laugh.

“What are you bad at?”

“Being nice.”

I blink. But then I shrug.

“I dunno, you’re pretty nice to me.”

Baz

What kind of world did Simon Snow grow up in if he thinks I’m a nice person?

“No, I’m not,” I say slowly. “I’m actually pretty terrible to you. You’re the one who’s nice to me.”

Simon looks stumped. His mouth is hanging open and I want to shove up out of this chair and bite it. I would jump him right this moment, if I wasn’t having a bit of disassociation from my overdose of cold syrup.

“How about we just try being nice to each other, then?” he says. 

And then he smiles. 

And he kisses me.