#tell me why i COULD NOT stop listening to my september while making this.

[im-here-homie]

a happy audience is the key to the academy's heart

shadow milk design by @catxolotlquoise

[steddieas-shegoes]

how are you even alive?

for @steddielovemonth prompt ‘love is watching them do stupid things’

rated t | 1,351 words | cw: minor injury, suggestive language | tags: established relationship, hurt/comfort, the hurt is Steve being stubborn, the comfort is Eddie loving him even though he should accept help

♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️

Twice a year, Steve deep cleaned the house.

Eddie had never witnessed anything like it before.

It’s not that he and Wayne were slobs, but they just did what was necessary, never spending an entire week going over a checklist a mile long to cover every inch of their house.

Steve did.

He said that when he was young, his parents hired people to do it and he was always fascinated with the way the house smelled so fresh for weeks after. He loved watching something go from dusty to shiny, loved seeing the way the windows glistened without any fingerprints from him.

And as he got older, his parents stopped hiring people and just expected it to get done, so he did. And he loved it.

Eddie couldn’t understand it, but he did love the way Steve’s eyes lit up when they got to his cleaning weeks in March and September. He’d plan it all out on a notepad by room, made a list of cleaning supplies he needed, and put stars next to things Eddie would have to help him with.

There were few stars, thankfully.

Eddie didn’t really mind helping. It was his home, too, and any time spent with Steve was time well spent. But the bleach sometimes bothered his sinuses and he’d end up coughing and sneezing for two days after.

He checked the lists now and noticed his name was only on three things:

Flip mattresses

Gutter cleaning (hold ladder and refill pressure washer)

Bookshelves (remove all books, dust, put books back)

He fist pumped once at the realization that he got off easy this time, much easier than he’d been expecting.

Actually, he almost always was enlisted to help with holding the ladder when Steve dusted the-

A bang interrupted his thoughts and he ran without even thinking what it could be.

He walked into the kitchen to see Steve on their ladder, some kind of homemade cleaning solution in a spray bottle in one hand and a washcloth in the other.

“What was that noise?” Eddie asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched Steve reach as far as he could without falling off the ladder. He’d probably land on his feet from that height and be fine, but it wouldn’t exactly feel great.

“Dropped the other bottle I had hanging on my belt. It’s fine, just furniture polish. I can get it when I’m done dusting,” Steve was busy, barely even glanced back at Eddie as he answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me you needed a supervisor?” Eddie found the furniture polish and set it on the counter, watching as Steve furiously rubbed at the top of the cabinets.

“I don’t. But gutter cleaning is tomorrow and I’ll need one then.”

“Steve…”

“Don’t Steve me. I’m fine! I’m already halfway done.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and stepped away, not wanting to argue with Steve when he was at his happiest.

“Can you put the radio on please, baby? I forgot to before I climbed up here.”

Eddie went over to the radio on the kitchen table and turned it on, surprised to find it tuned to the rock station instead of the hits station.

“Well color me shocked! Were you listening to,” he gasped and held his chest. “Rock?”

“Yes, I was. But if you’re gonna make a big deal about it then change it to the hits,” Steves eye roll was almost audible.

“No, no. Let’s listen to Def Leppard, sweetheart. It’s been my dream for one whole minute to check out your ass while listening to Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

Steve snorted, but continued his work.

Eddie continued watching.

And then Steve wobbled a little. He caught himself, but Eddie stood up straighter.

He wobbles more and Eddie started to move towards the ladder to hold it steady.

But it was too late.

Steve was already falling.

He landed on his ass with a yelp and a groan, the washcloth and bottle flying across the floor.

“Shit, Stevie, you okay?” Eddie crouched down next to him, hands cupping his cheeks as he looked him over.

“Yeah. Just twisted my ankle a little when I tried to catch myself,” Steve gestured down at his ankle. “Might need to ice it before I clean more.”

“Maybe you should rest so it doesn’t swell.” Eddie rolled the sweatpants he was wearing up and saw the way it was already swelling. “Okay, you have no choice but to rest since it’s swelling.”

“Fuck me.”

“I can do that after we ice it,” Eddie said as he gently moved his ankle left and right to see if it was broken.

Steve snorted. “Of course this would happen the first day of my spring cleaning.”

“Maybe if you’d let me supervise earlier…”

“I never lose my balance on the ladder! I thought I’d be fine.”

“Steve, you remember how last year when you were cleaning the pool you insisted the water wouldn’t overfill because of the filters?” Eddie smirked. “And then 6 hours later we were trying to rescue your pool chairs from floating away?”

“That isn’t the same!”

“And then when we first moved in and you insisted you could paint the ceiling yourself and you insisted on handpainting instead of a roller because it wouldn't be even to you and then you dripped paint everywhere and we had to get new carpet? Remember how you ended up breaking your finger because you insisted on rolling the carpet yourself?"

"Okay, that was just bad luck."

"And when you put out the Christmas decorations last year while I was helping Wayne with his truck and I came home to you stuck on the roof?"

"Listen, I am almost 100% sure one of the neighbor kids knocked the ladder over. There was no other way!"

Eddie kissed Steve's forehead. "I'm not sure how you're even alive. You're asking for an accident to happen."

"Weren't you supposed to be getting me ice?" Steve pouted.

Eddie leaned in and nipped at his bottom lip. "You want help getting to the couch first?"

"Nope. It's cleaning week. 20 minutes with an ice pack and then I'm back to dusting."

Eddie shook his head. "You're ridiculous. We'll ice it for 20 and then you're gonna rest for at least an hour so we know if we need to wrap it and keep weight off of it."

"I'm fine, Eds."

"Humor me, sweetheart."

It's a damn good thing Steve did because an hour and a half later, they were on their way to the emergency room for x-rays.

As the doctor told them both that Steve seemed to have fractured a small bone in his ankle, Eddie did his best not to look too smug.

"It won't require a cast or boot, but I do recommend ice every couple of hours and staying off of it as much as possible for the next week or so. If anything starts to hurt worse, come back for a boot."

"Thanks, doc." Eddie waited until the doctor left the room to turn to Steve. "How about next time you want to dust above the fridge and the top of the cabinets, you let me be there to catch you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Fine."

Eddie kissed his lips softly, barely brushed them just in case someone decided to walk in again. "You want me to stop on the way home to get some more pain meds?"

"Please."

"You hurtin'?"

"A little."

"You want me to take your mind off it?" Eddie wiggled his brows suggestively. "I can keep your ankle elevated, even."

"We'll see when we get home. But you know what?"

"What?"

"Someone has to do the cleaning, baby. Since I can't, looks like you've got a checklist to get to."

"Or we could just put off the cleaning until your ankle heals."

Steve shook his head. "No, I think you can handle it. I'll supervise."

"You're lucky you're so pretty," Eddie groaned.

"Don't forget I'm also very good at sucking your-"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's go before you get us discriminated against."

[pedriscroquettes]

𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄. PEDRI

summary. you’d always claimed pedri as yours while he always found you as a disturbance to his life. here’s the timeline of your relationship.

warnings. angst, fluff, asshole!pedri, kind of annoying reader(?), virginity mentions, and a love triangle?

a/n. this goes out to all the delusional girlies like me. gif by pedripics

september 2007

the look of horror on your teacher’s face contrasted your calm demeanor. you thought she was overreacting when in truth she was not. you were too calm for what had just happened to you. doña rosy’s son had just cut off a huge chunk of your hair and was currently running around the class displaying it like a prize. the fact that you weren’t as upset as you should’ve been shocked your teacher.

the reality of it is that you thought pedro was cute and somehow instead of crying about your loss of hair you were rather flattered about it. you were quite literally insane for thinking that somehow this demonstrated that pedro liked you. at least that’s what your older cousin would say.

“boys are mean because they like you.” her words echoed in your mind.

soon the two of you along with your parents and pedro’s older brother fer were in the principals office. your mother was in shock and couldn’t believe that you’d have to start your hair growth process all over again. meanwhile, pedro’s mom was full of embarrassment and of course both father’s couldn’t help but laugh at the scene in front of them. after all you were both just kids who didn’t know better.

“well it seems your daughter isn’t too upset about the events that occurred therefore i have no reason to suspend pedro.” the principal decided.

“what? he cut off a chunk of my daughters hair! it will take months for it to grow back! surely there’s got to be some form of punishment for him?” your mother yelled.

“but mom i’m not mad at him.” you tried to tell her but she wouldn’t listen to you.

“fine. pedro is designated table cleaner after lunch for the rest of the month and no recess for a week.” the principal sighed.

“but mrs. dominguez we play football during recess hour i can’t miss it!” pedro whined.

“you should’ve thought about that before chasing your classmate with scissors and almost leaving her hairless.” she scolded him.

on the way out of mrs. dominguez’s office pedro’s parents couldn’t stop apologizing for what he had done. meanwhile, all you could do was stare at him. he was the cutest boy you had ever seen, given that you were only six and didn’t know any better obviously. it didn’t take long for him to notice your glare and he began to approach you slowly. you lifted your shoulders thinking this was finally going to be the moment he declared his undying love for you like men did in the movies. you stood there stupidly with a smile plastered on your face.

“i should’ve cut off the other side of your hair if i knew you’d stop me from playing football. i hate you.” he told you before chasing after his older brother.

any other girl would’ve started crying, well more like any other smart girl. they would’ve realized he meant what he said but not you. you simply thought he was bluffing that he still wasn’t ready to confess his feelings. so, you simply brushed it off and picked up your book bag. you couldn’t wait for saturday, the day your family always went to his parents restaurant to have dinner. maybe he’d confess then.

october 2013

the humid hot air of the island almost made you turn around and go back home but your foolishness made you continue your walk. it took you almost fifteen minutes to make it to the local football field but alas you had arrived on time for kickoff. you sat next to fer, someone you had somehow gotten close with the last few years. it also helped that he was pedro’s brother and allowed for you to be close to him.

“why are you here?” fer turned around to face you.

“geez, didn’t know i was such a bother to you.” you joked.

“oh, come on! i like you my brother hates you which is why i’m so surprised as to why you’re here.” he looks back onto the field spotting his brother.

“pedro doesn’t hate me he’s just too scared to confess his feelings for me.” you playfully hit fer on the shoulder.

“yeah, okay. just don’t give him too many children i don’t want to take care of too many kids in the future.” he jokes.

the both of you chat for a bit catching up on your day to day when all of a sudden the ball hits the back of the net and the local crowd, which consists purely of parents and siblings, goes wild. you notice it’s pedro who has scored as he starts running towards the area you and fer are located and blows a kiss to the crowd. like the delusional girl you are you pretend it’s meant for you. no, you know it is because you’re still stuck on the idea that pedro is devotedly in love with you.

the referee blows the whistle and tegueste takes the win with a score of 4-1. you immediately follow fer onto the pitch to congratulate his younger brother and find him chatting with his teammates. pedro immediately goes up to his brother and starts thanking him for coming as their parents couldn’t since it was a busy night at the restaurant. you get ready to tell him how well he played but as soon as he sees you he walks away.

you’re supposed to be embarrassed but somehow you think he’s the one who is. you think that he’s too nervous to be around you and that’s why he left so suddenly. you’re about to walk back home when one of his teammates stops you.

“hey!” he seems excited to talk to you.

“hi.” you greet him back.

“i’m xabi, does your brother play here?” he asks curiously.

“uh no. my friend does. pedro.” you explain.

“oh! pedro! he’s great! he’s going to be good i think. do you go to-” he’s interrupted by pedro himself.

pedro is too quick and silent you don’t even notice that he’s been sneaking up on you until he’s standing right in front of you. he’s staring at you with a devious smile on his face and you wish you knew what he was thinking.

“you know what we usually do after a win?” pedro asks you.

“we grab the buck-” xabi is once again interrupted.

“shut up xabi.” pedro turns around to shut xabi up.

“we usually grab the bucket of water and pour it on all the scorers but today i proposed that we do something differently. i think you were our lucky charm and that’s why we should pour it on you.” his smile somehow grows wider.

you’re flattered at first but then realization hits you. the dress you’re wearing is too cute to end up drenched. most importantly you didn’t want to get sick. your smile falters when you see his teammates approaching you with the large bucket of ice cold water.

“no, pedro please.” you beg.

he tries to hold you still but your instincts kick in and you immediately kick his ankle. he lets go and you immediately start running. you don’t realize it but he starts chasing after you. you’re about to cross the street when he grabs you from behind and pushes you against the wall. he has a smirk on his face again. you panic not wanting to get soaked. you try to kick him again but this time he doesn’t budge and you’re about to give up when suddenly an idea pops up in your mind.

you grab his cheeks and kiss him.

“what?” he’s confused.

you can’t help but smile at the way his cheeks turn pink but you don’t have a lot of time so as soon as his grip on you loose a you take a run for it. you arrive home exhausted and out of breath. you dramatically fall on your bed with a smile on your face excited that at your wedding you’ll be able to tell all your guests about today.

november 2019

it had been around a year since pedri, as they now called him, left the island in pursuit of a football career. it had also been six months since you gave up on the relationship you had hoped to have with him and it had been approximately three weeks since you had started seeing xabi. something you would’ve only thought would happen if pedri had stopped existing. fer told you to be more optimistic about xabi and that he actually liked you because he would’ve never pranked called the local pizzeria and sent forty pizzas to your house.

the three of you were currently gathered at the beach alongside some of pedri’s friends patiently waiting for him. fer had told you that he would be staying for a week before going back to preseason with las palmas. being the kind person you were you had organized a welcome back party for him with the help of fer. you’d paid for the food, drinks, and the cake that would be delivered later that night.

fer watched you carefully decorate one of the wooden tables with all the snacks and drinks. it was so obvious you still cared about his brother and it somehow made him mad that his brother never reciprocated your feelings. even though pedri didn’t owe it to you to feel the same way it just made him mad that he had always treated you bad for no reason. you had never done anything wrong to pedri prior to his teasing so fer always wondered where his brother’s hatred for you came from.

fer doesn’t have much time to wonder about his brother because said person was already making his way towards him. he’s about to run towards him when he notices somebody else behind him, a girl. he quickly turns around to look for you but you’re too distracted with making sure everything looks nice that you don’t notice pedri or the girl with him. it’s not until everyone starts greeting him that you notice his presence. you don’t expect him to talk to you so you stay back with xabi and that’s when you notice the girl next to him.

you’re surprised at yourself for feeling jealous and hurt because you thought you had finally moved on from your stupid childhood crush. xabi’s arm wraps around your waist at the sight of pedri as if the midfielder’s presence threatened him. you turn around facing the beach not wanting to see pedri and his girlfriend, you assumed that’s who she was. you’re too entranced by the waves to see the look he sends your way and more specifically the way he glared at xabi’s arm around your waist.

who did he think he was? just because he was named after one of the greatest spanish players of all time he was some hotshot? pedri mentally scoffs at the fact that his old teammate had finally been able to ask you out. he had practically drooled over year since the first time you showed up to his games. he grabs alba’s hand in spite. alba was just his friend but felt the urge to rub her in front of your face. he didn’t know why he felt so mad at seeing you with xabi or why he was also upset that you weren’t looking at him in admiration anymore.

“xabi! it’s been so long.” he greets your boyfriend.

you can smell his cologne, the one fer had bought for him last minute when he had visited his younger brother in las palmas. it was intoxicating. you finally turn around to face him and it’s like primary school all over again. you mentally slap yourself for still feeling flustered around him especially after all the damage he’d done to you. the girl he brought offers you a smile and you can only giver her a weak one back not knowing how to feel. xabi treated you so well yet he wasn’t pedri.

as soon as he’s done speaking with your boyfriend he walks away as expected. you don’t feel embarrassed nor angry anymore but rather relieved you don’t have to face the feelings you thought you didn’t have anymore. you took a step back fixing your skirt and making sure your appearance was okay. xabi notices how you fidget. he always does. he notices the smallest things and you hate that you can’t reciprocate how he feels to the max.

“he’s an asshole.” he whispers making sure the two of you are the only ones who hear.

“xabi, come on.” you whine not wanting anything to break out tonight.

“what? it’s true! he’s treated you like shit since we were kids and he still does it now. he didn’t even say hi to you when you planned this whole thing.” your boyfriend claims.

he’s right but you’d never stop making up excuses for the man you’d probably love for the rest of your life.

“i mean i did annoy him every single day of his life until he left. he doesn’t owe me anything.” you replied.

“yeah, you were like 10 with a little girl crush on him so it doesn’t give him the right to act like that. he should just tell you that he doesn’t like you and leave it at that. he probably doesn’t even know that you help out doña rosy at the restaurant, or that you helped fer with his exams, or that you had convinced the principal to not take away his recess time to play football! it’s not fair to you!” xabi exclaims.

“you’re right but i just don’t want to fight him. not today. so promise me you won’t start anything?” you beg him.

he scoffs but then offers you a weak smile himself.

“yeah, okay but if he pulls some messed up shit tonight i can’t promise i won’t beat him up.” you both laugh at his words.

the two of you are unaware that you’re being watched by said asshole and that he’s gripping his cup to the point that the sofa starts dripping out of it. he starts looking for his brother leaving alba alone. in fact he completely forgets about alba when he can only notice how infatuated you are by xabi. what did xabi have that he didn’t? besides compassion and kindness since pedri clearly had the looks.

“when did they start dating?” is the first thing he asks his brother.

“wow, not even a i missed you or how have you been?” his brother scoffs.

“i missed you so much.” pedri pretends to care. “now answer my question.”

“why does it matter? you hate her?” fer continues to pour himself a drink oblivious to the fact that his younger brother is completely losing it.

“so? doesn’t mean i can’t ask about her?” pedri scoffs. “plus, look at him he’s such a loser. she could do better i guess.”

“better like who? you? please, don’t make me laugh. you’ve treated her like shit your entire life just because you knew how madly in love she is with you and now you’re interested? now, that’s she moved on with someone who cares about her? she is doing better. now go attend the guest you brought. it’s bad manners to leave her alone.” fer taunts his younger brother.

“fuck you.” pedri was always determined on having the last word.

on the way back towards alba an idea forms in his mind. it doesn’t take long for him to get everyone together. he brings an empty bottle and places it in the middle of the circle everyone had formed. the midfielder had decided to play spin the bottle with his old friends.

“so, here are the rules!” he speaks up. “when it’s your turn you spin the bottle and you get to ask them truth or dare. but if you ask a stupid question for truth i’ll skip your turn. now, who wants to go first?”

the game starts out light and fun but as the game goes on it becomes more intense and interesting. fer had somehow ended up skinny dipping with the girl next to him and an old friend of yours had confessed that she was the one who gave your old principal food poisoning with the cupcakes she had made. before you know it, it’s pedri’s turn. you stare at the bottle intently hoping it doesn’t land on you but as if the universe heard you it lands on you. the smirk he has on his face reminds you of the one who always had when he was about to do something to you.

“truth or dare?” he asks.

“truth.” you decided to go for the lighter option.

“is it true that you lost your virginity to xabi?” his first question takes you by surprise.

“what the fuck pedri?” xabi yells at him.

“shut up xabi and let her answer.” pedri glares at him.

“i don’t understand why that’s any of your concern-” you start.

“just answer the question and we’ll move on.” he urges.

“no.” you reply simply wanting to get this over with and go home.

fer is about to spin the bottle before pedri stops him. he looks back at you with a sly grin. your stomach churns and you start getting a bad feeling.

“wait, i’m not done. is it also true that you’ve had a crush on me since you were five and thought we would end up together even though i find you repulsive?” pedri started ranting.

you feel everyone’s eyes on you and soon you feel your eyes brim with tears. you don’t know why he’s suddenly putting you on the spot when you hadn’t spoken to him in a year. you’d thought he would’ve left you alone now that you were with xabi.

“well, don’t be shy now. come on? do you think about me when xabi kisses you or touc-” you don’t let him finish because you slap him, hard.

“maybe i was a pathetic little girl then who had no self respect but i do now so don’t ever talk to me like that again. i don’t care if you’re a future football star or the future prince of spain you have no right to speak to me like that. go to hell pedro.” you pick up your things getting ready to leave.

you take out thirty euros and hand them to fer.

“for the cake delivery. he should be here at 9.” is the last thing you say before you walk away with xabi closely following behind.

“what the fuck is your problem? did you just come back here to say all that bullshit to her?” fer confronts his younger brother.

“she shouldn’t have been here in the first place. she’s like a parasite.” pedri scoffs.

“without her i wouldn’t have planned this! she paid for everything and spent the whole day decorating this for you! she helps mom and dad out at the restaurant now that we get tourists there almost everyday. she helped me pass my exams and most importantly all those gifts i gave you when i visited where picked out by her. so, go to hell. i don’t wanna see you for the rest of the night so go home.” fer let’s him know.

pedri stands there in shock not knowing what to say. suddenly he feels horrible but he doesn’t want everyone else to notice so he picks up his shoulders ready to go home.

“oh and stay away from her. she finally found someone who cares about her and i don’t need your jealousy ruining that. xabi is going to play for girona next year and he’ll take care of her. i don’t need you fucking up anything else.” is the last thing his brother tells him.

you wake up to loud knocks on your door. you notice xabi isn’t next to you anymore meaning he’d probably left for training already. you yawn before slowly making your way towards the door. you don’t even check before opening the door something you regret when you see who’s on the other side. it’s pedri but now he’s rocking a black eye.

“your boyfriend paid me a visit last night.” is the first thing he says to you.

“shame.” you reply.

“huh?” he questions

“shame he didn’t get the other one as well.” you cross your arms.

“okay, i deserve that.”

“look pedri you have five minutes to tell me why you’re here before i call your parents and tell them you’re harassing me.” you say.

“i came to apologize. i was out of line last night and i fucked up. in truth i think i realized that i was jealo-”

“don’t pedri. you’ve had twelve years to tell me that you liked me or had a crush on me and instead you spent every single one of those humiliating me. maybe i was annoying but i have never disrespected you. now, leave. i’m happy with xabi and you’re not going to ruin that.” you interrupt him.

“but-”

“leave. we were never meant to happen. xabi is my person and i hope you find yours. hopefully someone nice and not full of hatred like you.” you slammed the door closed in front of him.

that day you call in sick for work and the day after that and so on until you heard news that pedri had gone back. his parents didn’t even question your absence after fer had told them what happened. you cried the first two days and then spent the next few days with xabi. in the span of those days he had asked you to move with him to girona and you didn’t even hesitate before accepting. maybe if you moved you’d loose all memories of the brown eyed boy you had once worshipped.

present day

the adjustment to barcelona wasn’t hard. the few years you were in girona were enough to learn catalan easily so you could communicate with almost anyone. the only problem was getting used to your new job at fc barcelona as a physical therapist. most of the players at girona barely stopped by opting to have surgery and recovering with their own staff. but at barça it was different, you were always busy with injured players as well as recovering players.

xabi and you had parted ways roughly six months ago when he transferred to roma. you couldn’t make the move not wanting to be too far from your home and you were surprised that he understood and took it likely. it was a rough breakup but not because he treated you bad or anything but because he had cared so much and now you felt alone. like you were missing your best friend.

you had stopped keeping up with pedri so you had no idea where he was now and had even stopped talking to fer to which he understood why. he wasn’t mad but he was upset that your friendship had failed because of his asshole brother. alas you shake your thoughts away when a knock on your office door interrupts you.

“come in!” you pick up the file that had been dropped off earlier about the player you’d be seeing today.

the door opens but you’re too engrossed by the files to notice who it is. you’re halfway into the summary of his injury until you notice you don’t even know who you’re treating. when you see the name up top your mind goes blank. you almost walk out the door at the sight of pedro’s name. you spend a few minutes panicking before remembering you’re being paid to be a professional so you gently get back into that mindset and set the file down.

“so the process of your recovery will include-”

“so, you’re just going to pretend that we don’t know each other?” pedri asks you.

“for the remainder of the time that i will work here? yes. now shut up and let me explain how your recovery process will go if you want to play again this season.” you scold him.

he just scoffs and shuts up.

“i assume the medical staff has already told you that you need to apply ice packs to the injured area several times a day as well as taking pain medicine?” you ask him.

“yeah.” he replies staring at the roof wanting to avoid your glare.

“okay so, as part of the healing process i’ll advise you certain gentle hamstring stretches to strengthen you and when the pain begins to subside we’ll move on to harder strengthening exercises. we’ll start working on them on tuesday. i believe that’s all so unless you have any other muscular issues or problems please let me know now.” you reply as stiffly as possible.

“are you and xabi still dating? i mean i assume you’re not or else you’d be in roma. unless you’re doing long distance but i doubt it, it never works out. he’s probably cheated on you by now.” pedri simply starts blabbering nonsense.

“don’t really understand why any of that concerns you.” you turn around to type up his file to the database.

“because you’re too good for him and quite frankly i don’t think you should be with him.” he stands near your desk.

“who should i be with? the asshole that let everyone back home know i was a virgin? don’t make me laugh pedro.” you look up at him to meet that same mischievous smirk from twelve years ago.

“i’ve changed.” he admits.

“good for you pedro. there are plenty of other people in the sea that you could go after. unfortunately for you i’m not one of them. so please be professional and leave me alone. i have to see gavi in an hour so i have to get ready for that.” you urge him to leave.

“please, gavi isn’t even in need of physical therapy he just thinks you’re cute.” pedri laughs.

“like you? at least he’s professional and doesn’t throw soup all over me when i approach him for lunch.” you give him a smile.

pedri steps back realizing how much of a bad person he had been to you. he couldn’t even remember all the things you were accusing him of. he suddenly feels bad for that night at the beach where he had humiliated you in front of everyone just because he thought you were too good for xabi. when in reality he was perfect for you.

“look i’m really sorry for what i did to you. for all of it. i’m not the same person i was at the beach four years ago. and you don’t owe me anything but i’d really like to take you out to dinner and make it up to you.” he begs.

“pedri, you constantly made me feel insecure about myself, humiliated me, made me wear a bob cut so short i might as well have gone bald, and bullied me for my whole childhood so a simple i’m sorry isn’t going to cut it. now, get out of my office please.” you point towards the door.

pedri simply sighs in defeat before making his way out of your office. but he doesn’t give up because as soon as your sessions with him start you’re met with flowers on your desk, links to random memes he finds on the internet, and invitations to all the fancy and expensive restaurants in the vicinity. although what finally makes you give in are the coldplay tickets he offers you.

“what the fuck, pedri?” you jump up at the envelope on your desk. “i can’t possibly accept these? they’re like the best seats as well? oh my god.”

“yes, you can and you will. my recovering process is going much faster than expected because of you and you always mentioned how much you loved the band growing up. please take them.” he urges you.

you don’t know what comes over but you’re suddenly that little girl trying to cross the street and you grab him by the cheeks. you kiss him without a second thought but this time he kisses you back. it’s a short but meaningful kiss.

“i should buy you coldplay tickets more often, huh?” he teases you.

“oh, shut up.” you blush.

he slowly creeps up next to you and wraps his arms around you before removing a strand of hair from your ear.

“in five years when we get married i’ll tell our guests about this.” he whispers into your ears.

a sudden rush of heat is felt near your cheeks and you can’t believe that six year old girl inside of you has won. you stare in awe at the midfielder, not the one you hate and despise but the one you’ve learned to love. the one who will cherish you for the rest of his life. he kisses you with so much fervor and passion you forget to breathe. his hatred for you the hatred that had never existed is now replaced by adoration and love. and you smile once again at the thought of telling this lifelong story to your wedding guests.

[sofiareidings]

Drunk Words Are Sober Thoughts

Summary: At the New Year's party at Rossi's you have a little to much to drink and Spencer has to take you home. What will happen when the clock strikes midnight though?

A/N: Stated in the title but I'm also stating it now, this one-shot does mention alcohol. Also, thank you so much for all the love on yesterday's post! I'm going to try and post a story everyday until I start school, (September 6th) once I get back into the rhythm of school I'll try and make a posting schedule.

Word Count: 0.9k

Song Suggestions: Pacific - Sleeping At Last

Rossi had invited the entire team over for a New Years party. It had been a tough year, and everyone needed it. You spent the evening having fun, talking, dancing, and drinking.

Maybe a little too much drinking. It was thirty minutes to midnight and Garcia had finally cut you off. “I love you sweetie, but you’re sticking to water for the rest of the night.” You sighed at her comment and decided the best idea would be to vent about it to someone else.

“…and now she’s only giving me water!” You slumped back in the chair while Spencer just shook his head. He was completely sober that night and could tell how drunk you were. He knew it was time for you to go home. He stood up, putting a hand out for you to grab.

“Come on, it’s time to go home.” Taking his hand you groan and reluctantly grab your stuff while mumbling to yourself about the injustice. Once you got to Spencer’s car you turned on his radio, the first channel was a strange classical music channel and immediately changed. The next channel was counting down to midnight while playing what you assumed was the top 100.

Rossi’s mansion wasn’t far from your apartment complex and Spencer had gotten there in less than ten minutes. “Fifteen minutes till midnight! I wonder who my Near Year’s kiss will be. This next song is…” When the song started you stopped listening and turned to Spencer.

“I don’t want to be alone at midnight, can we stay here until then please?” The sentence came out a lot sadder than you expected. “And then if you’re here at midnight…I can have a New Year’s kiss.”

“Y/N…you’re drunk.” His face was red, you were drunk. He knew that but, the quote, ‘drunk words are sober thoughts.’ was all he could think of. He didn’t want to take advantage of the state you were in and didn’t dare try to make any advances. “We can stay here until midnight.”

“Only ten minutes until midnight folks! Here’s number two on…”

You were at the emotional stage of drunkenness, it was quite evident by the way you cried a little while talking. “You’re so cute, Spence. Whenever you make that little confused face when I talk about pop culture I can’t help but die inside because you look so pretty. Like a lost puppy…and when you wave instead of shaking someone's hand because shaking hands are gross or whatever I just melt. And everytime you wear your glasses I can’t focus on anything other than your cuteness…”

He was blushing hard but was still making sure not to take anything serious. “T-thanks Y/N, I really appreciate that…” His sentence trailed off as he watched your hand grab onto his arm and stay there. The butterflies were going crazy and he knew he needed to get out of here. “Why don’t I take you up to your apartment? I’ll stay till midnight but I want to make sure you make it the full way home.”

“That’s such a good idea, why didn’t I think of it!” You groaned while going to open the car door. The handle was jammed, when Spencer noticed he got out of the car leaving you alone in the car for a second.

“Six minutes until midnight! Here is the last song of the night folks…”

The door opened and there he stood, holding your bag and jacket waiting to take you upstairs. Opening the front door of the building you looked at your phone clock.

“11:57” You stated while he hit the elevator button. While waiting you managed to make your way to the live broadcast of the ball drop in New York.

“We are two minutes and fifteen seconds away from midnight!”

The elevator opened and you hit the button to take you to the third floor.

“Would you look at that, only a minute and twenty seconds left everyone.”

Spencer grabbed your hand and walked you towards your apartment while you listened to the announcer blasting from your phone.

“Thirty seconds!”

A loud countdown started on your phone while Spencer looked for your house key in your bag. You watched him try every key.

“Ten!”

You hear a little click and he starts turning the key.

“Nine!”

The key gets stuck in place.

“Eight!”

He jimmies with the key.

Seven!”

The lock finally opens.

“Six!”

The door opens and you walk in.

“Five!”

You lean against the wall while Spencer shuts the door.

“Four!”

He turns your hallway light on.

“Three!”

You hear the sound of your purse hitting the table.

“Two!”

Spencer walks back over to you, preparing to say goodnight after the countdown.

“One!”

In a moment of drunken boldness you wrap your hands around his neck and press your lips against his. He’s shocked and stumbles back a little, not sure what to do. You can feel his arm wrap around your waist tightly. After a couple seconds you let go and stagger backwards smiling. “Happy New Year’s.”

“Yeah, happy New Year’s…” He’s still in shock but makes sure that you make it to bed before leaving.

‘Drunk words are sober thoughts.’

Walking back down to the parking lot his mind is full of so many different thoughts. He’s not sure how seriously he should take your advances. What if you won’t remember them in the morning? What if it isn’t what you really feel? The final thought, one that had been coming back to him all night.

[whatevergreen]

Stop Arming Israel

Yesterday (December 16) UK MPs debated petitions signed by over 100,000 people, calling for the immediate revocation of all arms export licences to Israel and 283,000 calling for the recognition of a Palestinian state, which were delivered before the general election

Since last October, at least 45,000 in Gaza have been murdered by Israel, in which Britain has been complicit through supplying arms.

In September, the Labour government eventually banned 30 out of 361 licences in a move labelled “tokenistic” by campaigners.

During the debate, Labour MP John McDonnell said: “I think history will judge us all for not doing enough to stop this.”

The former shadow chancellor said that while he was pleased that the petition is taking place “there’s a level of frustration now I don’t think we can contain any more.”

He asked: “Why isn’t democracy being exercised here to stop this?”

Mr McDonnell concluded: “I've had enough of coming back here every week, as you can tell chair, we need action now from this government.”

Among the exports excluded from Labour’s ban are components for F-35 war planes, which have been used to drop 2,000lb bombs on civilians in Gaza and are linked to a global supply programme.

Business and trade select committee chair Liam Byrne said: “Last week in front of my committee, the Defence Minister said it was technically possible to track these parts, but it was contractually impossible.

“Indeed, Lockheed Martin supplied me with a letter to say that if I want to know anything about the parts, I need to address our queries to the Department of Defence in the United States.“

He noted that the government admitted in the High Court in November that it continued to export the parts despite knowing there was a “clear risk” that they could be used by Israel to violate international humanitarian law.

“We now have the ICJ advisory, we have the ICC arrest warrants. We have the government’s own assessment,” Mr Byrne said.

“I cannot now see how this government can legally defend a position to keep these arms export licences open.”

Ahead of the debate, a cross-party of MPs including Independent Jeremy Corbyn, the Green Party’s Carla Denya, and Labour’s Diane Abbott held a banner reading “Stop Arming Israel” outside Parliament to show their support for a full arms embargo.

Palestine Solidarity Campaign director Ben Jamal said: “Opinion polls have shown that a majority of the public support the suspension of UK arms sales to Israel, because it is using them in a barbaric, unending assault on Palestinians in Gaza.

“We call on all MPs to speak up and ensure the government fulfils its obligations under international law, starting with a full arms embargo on Israel.”

Campaign Against Arms Trade media co-ordinator Emily Apple said: “Labour’s tokenistic suspension of some arms exports doesn’t go nearly far enough — but in particular its refusal to suspend the open licence for F-35 combat jet components makes this government just as complicit in Israel’s horrific war crimes as the previous Conservative government.

“Successive governments have prioritised arms dealers’ profits over Palestinian lives.

“This has to stop. This petition is an attempt to ensure the government does what it should have done in the first place — suspend all arms exports to Israel and uphold international humanitarian law.”

A spokesperson for Stop the War said: “It’s welcome that this petition is finally being debated, having been conveniently buried by the parliamentary system earlier this year, but given that just a fortnight after Labour won the election senior ministers warned that a total ban on arms sales to Israel would undermine US ‘confidence’ in the UK, the outcome is fairly predictable.

“While public opinion is loud and clear, this immoral government remains seemingly determined to ignore it.” Elizabeth Short Adapted from: https://morningstaronline.co.uk/article/time-to-listen-labour-stop-arming-israel

Arms for Israel secretly shipped through UK airspace Exclusive: Over 50 tonnes of munitions have been flown to Israel over Britain since Gaza bombing began:

https://www.declassifieduk.org/arms-for-israel-secretly-shipped-through-uk-airspace/

[nalyra-dreaming]

@raven--stag replied to your post “Me: sees someone refer to how badly Lestat treated...”:

There are TRAIN SCHEDULES?? Can you elaborate please (if you have time and don't mind doing it ofc) because honestly, I've never considered the possibility that he wasn't the one who brought her back, it always just kind of made sense to me

​Alright. I first did the research for that for chapter 42 of "Laden as the sea", which of course dealt with that scene. (I'm adapting my explanations from there)

Now, in short:

Lestat cannot have brought Claudia back as told.

(which does not mean that a similar scene did not happen... just not as told.)

Because:

In-universe, these characters are rooted to it. As is what we're told, and what is used to set the scenes.

The train Claudia wanted to take was likely the Crescent, which ran daily from 1941 on. (This“one year discrepancy” in the tale is a constant thing btw here a post of the now deactivated a-savagegarden on this.) The Crescent leaves NOLA at 9am these days, BUT then…. It left at 11pm :)

(source)

Now…. Louis tells us of Lestat doing the “Birmingham, Alabama” spiel, and the train Claudia being on the “New York Limited”. The Crescent does NOT stop in Birmingham, however the “Piedmont Limited” does. 5,5h into the journey (if I read these correctly).

The cities quoted (Birmingham. Atlanta. Greensboro. Washington, D.C.) fit the timetable there, too. However… the Piedmont left at 5pm. And sunset was around 7:30pm.

Which is why I think Louis maybe thought Claudia was on the Limited, when in reality she had to go and take the Crescent simply for time-reasons. (And since he had no intention to go with her this detail was never important to him.)

Now. The radio broadcast we hear when Louis comes back was given September 3rd, 1939, after 5:30 am.

(A word to the next scene in the show here: I noticed that the radio broadcast Louis listens to… is the same as was on when he came back from “teasing the sun”, as mentioned above, after Claudia was brought back by Lestat, namely this part of it: “every word that comes through the air, every ship that sails the sea, every battle that is fought does affect the American future.” Given that this is clearly a different evening though - it’s another piece of the puzzle which does … not fit, but is likely a twisted memory, and another one of those “details” which actually are not really important… but still proof of this not being (able to be) the (whole) truth. (Another thing that indicates the discrepancy imho is the fact that there’s two radios in their parlor… one next to Louis, one next to Lestat.))

But back to that evening, and Louis' return.

Let’s make that 6am, since he said he cut it close.

IF Claudia actually told Louis afterwards that Lestat caught her and brought her back from Alabama, then on the Crescent it might have been Montgomery. Which the Crescent reached at 7:20am… after sunrise. So that makes that rather unlikely.

The Crescent leaving at 11pm and Louis coming home at 6am gives whatever happened in-between a 7h time frame. If the trains need 5,5h to Birmingham… not enough time.

Totally apart from the timetables though there is also logistics to consider.

When Louis comes home Claudia sits there, with her luggage (and her tuba). I know I wrote in the other fic that Lestat flew back with her, but I actually doubt it.

Claudia had had to go back from the park to get her luggage and bring it to the train (station). IF she actually made it onto the train with all of that and nobody noticing, then I think Lestat caught her while still at the station.

Because the return train schedule (of the Crescent and Express) is in the afternoon and the Piedmont Limited would have arrived at NOLA only after sunrise. (Of course there would be other trains they could take, but those would be even slower…?!)

So I think Claudia never left NOLA. Which does NOT mean that the train scene in and by itself did not happen, as said before (even the controller), but… I think Louis mixed what Claudia told him afterwards (or what she let him see in her mind, which might not have been all that was to it, given her later diary entries) with what he thought/feared had happened. With the trains he expected her to be on, and which went by certain cities. There is no diary to underline the scene, Louis tells Daniel of this event after it is noted in the show that the previous interview had stopped before this point, so Daniel has no reference anymore. It is Louis’ interpretation of what Claudia told/showed him, recounted for a certain... effect.

So I do think a scene similar to what we saw happened. But exactly like that? Not likely, imho, not the least because of the many, many parallels to events from Lestat’s past here (and which neither Claudia nor Louis would know at this point).

And of course Claudia would be plotting her own game by then, which, in later book canon at least, included manipulating Louis.

And, last but not least, supposedly Claudia knew Antoinette was there with Louis at the park when she left for the train, as is revealed in episode 7. I always find that hugely interesting in retrospect, considering her comment to him and the mentioned later book twist.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas, I had a question. Sorry, I know you get a lot of these, I'm just not sure where else to turn right now haha.

I'm nonbinary. I've used they/them pronouns for four years now, and I came out to all of my close friends and changed my pronouns on my socials just under a year ago (I'm currently experimenting with they/he, so we'll see where that goes.) My friends have all been super supportive, even the ones who didn't really understand did their best to support me, and I really appreciated it.

The problem lies with my mum. I've tried to come out to her twice. The first time, I couldn't physically get the words out. It's like I freeze, and I just feel so petrified. We have had multiple debates/arguments surrounding trans rights and specifically JKR's viewpoint. My mum isn't exactly a rampant transphobe, she just doesn't get it, and I don't know how to make her understand.

The second time I came out, I did it over text so that I could get the words out. It was after one of these arguments, and she was sending me a message saying I got too het up and made her feel guilty. I replied by apologising but then saying it meant so much to me because I'm nonbinary. She completely skimmed over that part of the message, and for a while I wasn't even sure she had read it, because she kept misgendering me and referring to me as her daughter.

I don't even remember how we got to the conversation, but in one of our most recent back and forths of she sends me an article about JKR and I get upset, she told me that I need to 'stop with all of this nonsense about gender.' It stung a lot, and I really wasn't sure if she meant my gender specifically, or my feelings surrounding trans rights (or just us not being treated like people in the uk).

It made me wonder if it's even worth coming out to her again. I just have a feeling that it isn't going to stick. If you asked any of the trans people that she works with, they'd say that she was nothing but supportive, even if she gets it wrong sometimes, but it doesn't feel like that to me. I genuinely feel frozen with fear at the concept of telling her because of the conversations we've had, and I'm moving out for uni in September anyway. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with the constant misgendering. She has never once referred to me properly.

Idk, I'm kind of at a loss now, so I guess I'm asking what I could possibly do about it?

Hi hon <3

I feel like I first need to give you a thousand hugs and say our mums are very similar. So...guess we both need hugs, lol.

I think you have come out to your mom. Twice. She just isn't listening. Why waste your breath by doing it a third time? Your mom is making it very clear that she doesn't respect what you are asking for (respect, being correctly identified).

In the most gentle way, your mom is showing you who she is. I think your next step is to figure out how you want to proceed with that information.

I'm so sorry that she's not being the mom you deserve <3

Naming you frozen anon <3

[semthescientist]

i normally don't write long posts on here but i've been bubbling from the seams with things to say as of late. back in september of 2022, i was towards the end of a cruise and my sister introduced me into Abraham Hicks. it wasn't new to me per-se simply because i always would have these expansive ideas, like i just knew i was supposed to be great and experience wonderful things. however, what was new was the fact it was so widely accepted. like i couldn't believe that people would actually tell abraham their problems and they would provide solutions. looking back, since Abraham talked about vibrations and vortexes so much, this may have been the law of attraction (not sure lol). and for a while, i grew so interested in the concept.

this journey happened so naturally though that i cannot pinpoint when i got into the law of assumption or started listening to Edward Art, but that is what came next. it went from there being an outside world i had to change to there being an internal world i had to change. now, for awhile i listened to Edward Art videos (haven't tuned into him in so long but i still adore him, he seems so nice!) only because i could not for the life of me, ever understand what Neville was saying. listened to Edward for awhile then stopped because i realized i was making him my God (though i didn't really know what that meant at the time), got on tumblr to consume more information and i did this months until i was sick of hearing what others had to say. however lol, i just moved to twitter and did the same thing. and of course, i got sick of that too--grew so tired of the fighting between loass and affirm and persist girlies, and whoever else wanted to be different so bad. and then i was introduced into nonduality.

now, it was so different from everything i had learned before that when i watched a video by Rupert Spira, i put it down and went back to loass. like, i literally said, "there's no way in hell i'm about to confuse myself with more shit." kid you not. like i refused to hop onto something else. so i just let it be but i eventually came back to it and it started to consume me and it was out of sheer curiosity. like i remember when i had put it down, just one random day i thought to myself "there is nothing else but consciousness. there is no separation." i wrote that in a diary entry on august 30th, 2023 and it really stuck with me because like...where the hell did that thought come from? especially because all of my old diary entries were how unfazed i was by the external world because i have what i want in the "one true reality" (i really had to laugh at those old entries.) and they were only from a couple days before i had this sudden realization.

but somehow, that caused me to get off of twitter and come back to tumblr and i eventually stumbled across 4d-barbie's account and some others too. i stayed up all night reading Ada's answers to submissions because this was unlike anything i'd ever heard. and it was there when i promised myself not to consume too much, to do things differently. and like okay, that didn't happen 'cause i consumed a lot but i'm happy it all happened because of what i found.

eventually, the same thing that happened with the law happened with nd. i got so burned out and i was so angry with hearing the opinions of others. like my brother in christ, i physically would be angry that i relied on others because i knew i could trust in myself but i wasn't. and like why?? why was i doing that? and because i didn't have an answer, i'd get pissed all over again.

and this probably went on for a couple weeks or so, i don't know entirely. i didn't document everything--and the things i did, i deleted because i was trying so hard to reach enlightenment. and it wasn't until i went on another cruise in late september 2023 that it finally clicked--a whole ass year later.

now i'm only saying the time because i find it so comical and beautiful. i'm gonna make another post which entails what actually clicked for me because i don't want this to be too long.

part two here. yay.

[remembertheplunge]

You are unique in your growth. You tend to see that everywhere.

September 11, 1990

September 11, 1890

I suppose there really was such a day, or will be such a day

September 11, 2090

But, just now, from our common age of 1990, the others seem utterly incredible.

The Jettsons meet the Flinstones!

And, now, what about this little piece of consciousness where time opens and accepts space and motion.

While we are alive (1890 and 2090 are not) we must be the clearest prisms that we can be, conductors of space and motion, so that what is received and preserved by time is worthwhile. A guide post to future treks.

Good talk with Arturo tonight. I asked, “Are you Ok?” He said that the State sent a guy to check up on you and on Sandy. And, you passed!

Sandy had called earlier “Are you coming back? How are you after that meeting?”

I truly thanked her for her concern. I still don’t feel listened to. Why? 

She said “ Don’t get too philosophical on them. You are unique in your growth. You have a tendency to see that everywhere.”

I asked Arturo “Do I do this to you? If I do, please tell me to stop if I offend you.”

He said “We are friends beyond the disease. I” feel" you are a friend. 

And that said it all.

But, I do think he’d like a call just to chat a bit more often.

Move it up to twice a week. Tuesday and Thursday or other days now that his treatments end.

He feels good now.

He travels with his family, but, enjoys contact with one outside of the family.

Some things a family cannot give.

His Mom  stays  on an extra month

So, I’m relieved.

Maybe I did Sandy in a bit, but I’d rather be upfront and, as she said, she has never had a match.

End of this part of entry

Note:

I was a volunteer For the Stanislaus County Aid’s Project (SCAP)  in 1990. SCAP would match us up with people with aids to help them through their illness and death from AIDS. I was matched with Arturo  Fuentes from  1990 until his death in 1994.

Sandy was one the SCAP advisors. She and her husband Lew, advised us and led our weekly meetings at which we discussed our matches. Apparently, someone from some State agency overseeing SCAP met with Arturo to make sure Sandy and I were providing good service to him. 

It also sounds like at the last SCAP meeting before I wrote the above entry, my approach to dealing with Arturo was questioned. “You are unique in your growth. You tend to see that in everyone. Don’t get too philosophical on them.”

It’s been over 33 years since I wrote the above entry. And, that complaint could still be made about me. My verbal  philosophizing sometimes doesn’t translate to well out in the world , so I relegate it to the page in  the journal. There it can be studied and annotated and considered down the line.  The first lines of this entry include some of that philosophizing.

The elephant in the living room in this entry, though, was AIDS, Arturo, his mother who was visiting from Mexico, and our attempts to learn how to best tfasilitate their journey the the ever darkening landscape of the  AIDS journey.

The Jetsons and The Flintstones were 1960s cartoon shows set in the future (the Jetsons) and in the prehistoric past (the Flintstones).

Interesting, also, the I chose September 11s 200 years apart to study in the entry in light of what would happen on September 11, 2001 in New York City and the Twin Tower attack.

[jellyfish-vents]

Please Happily Ignore This.

[just an internet girl ranting about her unrequited love story]

When I decided to start this blog, I wanted to make it my personal blog, a safespace.

With all these new followers, guys I don't know what you expect, but I don't know anyone of you, and I would like this to still be my personal blog. And I am so overwhelmed right now I can't go anywhere else.

This girl, that I have been absolutely in love with, just told me that she's in love with another girl, and it's reciprocated.

I am just absolutely torn because, well, You Know Why.

She called me and I couldn't stop giggling because I just am that much in glee to just talk to her. It was literally an hour ago. And she brought it up with me because she felt obliged to do it and because she said I am the easiest person to talk about it.

I could hear my heart shatter. But I didn't let her know. At all. I hid it well. I am proud of it.

I was the one who helped her talk about her sexuality, being a demi-sapio sexual myself. I helped her discover all the beauty of loving someone, whoever you love. We talked about the hardships, the bullying in school, the fear of attachment, everything. But we also talked about how divine it would be to just let us fall for the beauty of it all without considering the societal standards. And the whole reason I could say all that to her was, because I could see all that beauty in her while I fell for her.

I planned dates with her, I thought of all the movies I wanna watch with her, all he songs I wanna share, all the places I wanna be with her at, all the things I wanna do, everything. It all happened in my head. I even thought of how I would confess my feelings to her, and how I would propose her if she reciprocated and was okay with it. All this before our mutual friend broke the news to me that she is going away for her post graduation.

I crumbled that day. All I remember is crying and texting her about it and telling her how glad I am for her, up until my hands were too shaky to hold the phone and my eyes too teary to read the texts. I cried, sobbed, I mourned.

I almost thought of confessing it to her, "She ought to know" I thought. Because we shared a great chemistry. It was so organic, I bet she felt it too. But I didn't. I didn't wanna hand her another baggage to take with her, all the while she was already freaking out about moving away. I decided not to say a word. And I was happy for her.

We shared a movie evening one day. It didn't feel like it was enough. All I wanted was to cup her face and look into her eyes, and just bask in her presence. But then she left. I hope she felt my love, even if she saw it as a friend.

And today she told me about her intense feelings. About how she's scared, and excited, but scared mostly because she doesn't wanna mess up, and because it's just all that new to her, homosexuality. I could hear the hesitation in her voice, but also the truth. She indeed is in love.

We talked about it for a while, about the complications of it all. I listened to it all like a good friend and said a few helpful words that I know she counted on.

We said goodnight, I cut the call, and broke down.

It's not that I'm jealous, or anything.

Infact, I told her I'm happy for her, and I mean it by every bone in my body.

I am very happy for her.

But.

I am just sad for myself.

There's just sadness there.

September 18th 2023, 3:52am

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 93 - baking apple pie (I listened to MAG 91-93 on September 5th 2021 and then had to wait a whole week to be able to carry on because I went on vacation to Italy. Managed to finally reel my spouse in though and we listened to MAG 4 till MAG 16 on our drive home)

Such a long meow! At this point I also stormed out of the kitchen to announce to the group of friends that this episode starts with a cat! XD

Btw I'm listening to this while having a super fluffy calico on my lap. She's sleeping though.

JON "Bet the world ends, and you do just fine." - My favorite piece of foreshadowing xD

Hm, Jon hesitates at "Head Archivist". Did it just become unusual to him after two and a half months or is he thinking about using "The Archivist"?

"Instead, he stopped contacting me completely. He still answered the phone when I called, but was polite when I went to check upon him. Every bit of communication had to be instigated by me." - This is something that bugs me a bit. You know that stereotype of a relative saying "YoU NeVer cAlL mE", but they don't call you either. Difference is, I'm fine with it. Also, people grief differently. I want people to leave me alone when I'm grieving, I'd probably would have said some not so nice things if someone kept calling me.

"I didn’t know what I’d just witnessed. I still don’t, not really." - Not really! xD (I should go back and count all not-reallys)

Just a thought about the statement. Is there any indication why Greg could have been falling victim to the Corruption?

Next 4 bullet points are Georgie slander, just a heads up xD

GEORGIE "Where have you been? And what happened to your hand?" JON "I don’t want to talk about it." GEORGIE "Tough." - Asshole move, sorry… He got his hand burned off, it's obviously been traumatic and Georgie is just dismissive and unempathic about it. Georgie has a history of being super nosy when it fits her bill and then she's a smartass about things she doesn't understand…

JON "Look, I’m moving out anyway, so just… just forget it. I’m out of your life. Alright?" GEORGIE "No." - This is the second time now Jon says he's leaving since there are things he wants to do that Georgie is not alright with and she just doesn't want to let him go…

GEORGIE "You leave, you don’t get your tapes back." JON "What?" GEORGIE "When you disappeared, I took the tapes you recorded, and locked them away. Honestly, I thought I might need them as evidence. You want them back, you tell me what’s happening." - Okay, and this is just the icing on the cake. Taking HIS stuff because she thought she might need them as evidence, ok, but then threatening to not give it back?? Yeah, she let Jon crash at her place, but she wasn't obligated to do that and it definitely gives her no right to hold Jon's things and demand from him to tell her everything. This is emotional blackmail and she's using the situation (her letting him stay) to guilt-trip him into obedience. Even though she never openly says it, she doesn't need to. she knows, she said she knew he wouldn't be here if he had other options. Even if she felt obligated to let him stay then, now she's using this monopole to her advantage. She knows Jon's at her mercy. God, Georgie makes me so angry… I'm happy Jon's got Martin…

JON "Georgie, please… You’ll think I’m… You’ll think I’m delusional." GEORGIE "I really hope so, Jon. Because right now I just think you’re a dickhead." - Oh really. He's a dickhead… Maybe you should clean up your own backyard.

I get Georgie's been worried. But does she really not see that he might have had a hard time too?

GEORGIE "What I mean is, if there’s no-one above you, there’s no-one to point out you’re doing everything wrong." JON "Look, can we put my professional competence to one side, please." - Okay, pointing out that it was a weird choice given his qualifications is alright, but now she's just, again, an asshole..

JON "Fine, er… What is something you would never choose to tell me?" GEORGIE "When we first met I thought you were putting on that accent to sound more impressive. Oh. Oh, Jon… I’m so sorry." JON "Oh… No, it’s alright. I, er, I mean, I-I guess I did exaggerate it. It’s a long time ago, anyway." - Haha, I already said I love it when stories are self-aware! XD Jon's Archivist voice in S1 was really… something xD Not so long ago taking the job as Head Archivist though, but Georgie doesn't know that…

GEORGIE "If your job is asking questions, I mean. You were always the one who pushed too far, and asked smart-arse, awkward questions. I always was surprised you never got punched." JON "Well, I think that bit of luck’s run out." - Bit of background story why Jon makes a good Archivist. But that's not why Elias chose him… That's why the Web chose him.

JON "some of the people I’ve been talking to have been… very dangerous. I’m starting to feel like a bit of a punching bag, to be honest. Would be nice to meet a monster, and not have a scar to show for it." - Oh yeah, I think that was the moment when I really, reaaaally started to feel for him… I have a softspot for whumpees. Also foreshadowing for the marks!

I mean, Georgie did take Jon in with no questions asked at the time and the police did come round and she had to lie about him being there. So I feel like to an extent she did deserve some answers if she was put in danger because of him. What do other people think?

[duchesstopaz]

*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of harassment, panic attacks, PTSD symptoms, anxiety, threats of physical violence. Mentions of trauma, abuse, bipolar depression, PTSD, anxiety, coping, self deprecating thoughts, dark humor.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023

12:06pm

This is the letter that I wrote to my older (half) sister, before the texts in Part 1 the next day.

Here’s what I said to her:

“Hey Angel… I think it’s time we talk about the distance that we both have experiencing. Honestly, I don’t even know how the distance started, but it’s something that I fell into and followed. I would like to talk when you’re ready because it’s necessary that we do. That we talk about everything for as long as we both need, and that we come into this conversation ready and willing to hear each other out. Just let me know.”

“I was in such a dark place when this all started. I think after looking back on it, that I never took the time to properly explain what happened, what’s been happening…

As you know, I’ve had such an extensive amount of trauma, especially from my supposed father-figures. It was September… I was on a shuttle, trying to get to my rehearsal for dance on a Sunday afternoon. I stepped onto the shuttle, wearing my headphones, listening to the same playlist that I do before I dance. It’s my… ritual, the thing that grounds me, calms me, but also, psyches me up to go. And, that’s the paradoxical thing about having anxiety as well as bipolar depression; you have to calm yourself down in order to build yourself up to feel excited.

In that process, I missed the driver telling everyone to not get on if they were not going to the next stop, which would unfold in our confrontation. 

I got on the bus, and when we arrived at the next stop, I didn’t get off the bus, which was odd, but not too unusual… until I noticed the yelling. I took out my earbuds to hear the driver yelling, and it took me a second to realize that he was yelling at me. He was trying to force me off the bus because I apparently wasn’t supposed to be on otherwise.

I was confused, and shocked, and frightened, but I found the courage to ask why. I didn’t know at the time that he had said that he would swing back around to get the people going to main campus. I got frustrated with how he was acting, because we would get there eventually ‘cause the route is continuous, as all bus routes are, but he kept getting more aggressive as he was trying to force me off. His reasoning was, “because he said so”, instead of any semblance of reason. It reached the point where other students were getting on to return home, and that spurred him to park the bus, say that he wasn’t moving until I got off, and threatened to call the police or physically removing me himself. I was panicked, so I did what my mind told me to do in the moment. I made my way off, asked for his name, which was like pulling teeth, and tried to call the office to make a complaint. He drove away, I was officially late to rehearsal, and then, I realized that I had no idea where I was.

My anxiety was building exponentially as I called the transportation office 3 times with no response before I realized there wasn’t going to be, because they are closed on the weekends. I then tried calling all my friends, with cars, to see if they could pick me up to no avail. Then, I had my first panic attack on the curb of a parking lot in an unfamiliar place, while people walked by with odd stares and no concern for me.  Then, I tried calling all and any family I could, my mom, you, Camille, and Auntie Roz and Auntie Julie, but no one answered.

Cue my second panic attack.

A friend called me back, I explained the situation, but they couldn’t come get me. So, I made the decision to call an Uber with the last $11 I had. On the drive, my mom called to see what was going on. She responded to the story by saying “Get over it”. Not understanding how triggering it was for me, or caring for how upset or shaken I was. I got out of the Uber, had my third panic attack in 40 minutes, and after, I noticed the time.

Rehearsal was over, and I cried.

I called my professor to apologize and after I explained what happened, he Venmo’d me for the Uber, but that’s where the resolution of the incident stopped. I did end up filing a complaint, and they took my side, but didn’t act on any of the solutions I asked for. After that, well, I spiraled.

Part 1 -- Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

[kelmcdonald]

Rose City is this Weekend! 

Hey everyone, I put out my September newsletter. You can sign up and be notified for future newletters here: https://mailchi.mp/fa17a626907f/keepingupwithkel

Here is a copy/paste of what it says:

I'm at table B-12! Right up front! Stop by and get some books! I'll have copies of Failure to Launch!

Perfect Crime Party is currently crowdfunding! I mentioned it last month but this is the newest anthology I edited for Iron Circus. There is a lot of fun lighthearted crime stories. So please grab yourself a copy!

This months werewolf movie is An American Werewolf in Paris. I'll be hosting it on my discord September 17th at 4pm pt. If you wanna join, just sign up for my discord here. I starting to run out of the big deal werewolf movies. So I'm also open to recommendations. 

Tuesday 8pm-10pm PST – Art times

Wednesday 8pm-10pm PST – Art times

Thursday 6pm-8pm PST (during the Iron Circus Geekshow)

Sunday 8pm-11pm PST – Playing Baldur’s Gate 3

Please stop by!

I spent a big chunk of August traveling. I went to Worldcon for the first time. It was in Glasgow, Scotland. My thought was if I didn't like the con, then I could just leave and do something touristy. I did end up enjoying the con and I plan to go when it's in Seattle next year. My hotel was about a 20 min to the convention center but it was pretty nice and along the river. 

If you don't know, Worldcon is a sci-fi fantasy con where the Hugos are held. It's in a different city every year. While there is some fan stuff, it is mainly aimed at pros and aspiring pros. As such the vibe was very different at Worldcon that the many comic shows I've been to. I think a lot of the panels at comic cons are basically press releases. There are some panels on craft, but they usually get buried/given bad time slots. Which makes sense because those comic shows are more focused on fans and sales. 

So it was nice to listen to some topics with writing being the focus. I particularly liked one I went to about governments in sci-fi and fantasy and why those two genres tend toward writing about fascism or monarchy. I went because in The City Between, Connor's husband Jordan is their worlds equivalent of the governor. I think I got some good notes and ideas on how to flesh that angle out more in future stories.

Also at Worldcon I grabbed some new books. One I ready finished, To Shape a Dragon's Breath. It is about a native girl who finds a dragon. Her people used to have dragons but were wiped out when white settlers started colonizing the area. Said white colonizers also have a lot of laws about dragons, so she has to go to one of their schools for dragon riders. It was very well written and I got through it pretty fast. My one complaint is at the beginning the main character is a bit too nice for my tastes. That isn't a flaw with the book, just my personal taste. I frequently like characters that are trash monsters to the point where my friends tell me they can't watch someone of my favorite shows because everyone is too awful. So me thinking a character is too nice, is probably a plus for everyone else. 

After Worldcon, I stayed in Glasgow an extra day to explore. I was traveling with my pal Bones Leopard who wanted to visit the Glasgow Necropolis. I took a lot of graves I thought had cool designs. 

Right next to it is Glasgows Cathedral. So we also popped in and I took a bunch of pictures of that. 

Afterward, Bones feet started to hurt, so I ended up wandering around on my own and talking pictures of architecture I thought was neat. And while exploring I came across a group of bagpipers performing. 

After that I went to Edinburgh for a few days. Mostly I walked around and saw some performances. The Fridge Fest was going on while I was there. So I got to see a few fun street performances. On day was pretty rainy in the afternoon so I spelt it in the National Museum of Scotland. But the big thing I did in Edinburgh was I climbed Arthur's Seat. The view was amazing!

I put all my Scotland pictures in my google drive. Anyone who wants to see them can browse here. The folder includes:

a bunch of buildings I thought looked neat in Glasgow and Edinburgh

walking along the river

all the graves I took pics of

a religion museum next to the graveyard and cathedral

inside the cathedral

the oldest house in Glasgow (each floor showed it in a different time period)

some landscapes/hills taken from inside the train to Edinburgh

climbing Arthur's Seat

photos from the National Museum of Scotland

The whole trip was fun. I also got to hang out with Kate Ashwin in person. Iron Circus wants to do a boxset of Cautionary Fables, so we sat down and figured out what we want the box to look like.  Now that I'm home I'm gonna rest up and focus on The City Between. I have like 4 pages left of Shards of Reflection to finish up. So I need to make sure the next story, Glass Diamonds, is ready to go fairly soon. One that is done I need to rearrange my patreon a bit.

Obviously, I haven't had time to get back to You are the Chosen One in over a year. But Patreon removed goals from Patreon over a year ago. When I started You are the Chosen One, I was using goals as a milestone to justify when either You are the Chosen One or The City Between could have another update day. The goal is removed and I wouldn't have time to do that even if my patreon did reach it. So I need to reassess what I'm doing. I will probably start posting it publicly, however I don't know if I want to rotate it's chapters with The City Between with updates on Wednesdays, or just post it whenever.  Also, Patreon removing goals was a more minor example it continuiously making unhelpful changes. The newest of which is them forcing everyone to switch to a different payment model. Basically, until this month, I charged all my Patreon backers on the 1st. That is how subsciptions used to work on all patreons. But they thought that was a problem because sometimes someone would sign up the 25th of a month and then be charged twice in a short amount of time. For the past year, Patreon has been pushing creators to switch to everyone gets charged on whatever day they signed up on a monthly basis. While pushing everyone to make this change, they also made an app, one that barely works. Because they made an app, now anyone who pays via the app is giving Apple 30% of what they pay. This sucks but it is thing that has been known and talked about in the tech community for years. Like before Comixology died, it wouldn't let you buy things in it's Apple app BECAUSE of this 30% fee. So Patreon has made some news posts complaining that Apple is doing this. But the sneaky part is they are using Apple enforcing it's shitty TOS as an excuse to force creators to switch to new subscription model. The new model is worse for me because well it's nice to get a big chunk of money all at once each month, rather than have it trickle in day.

Anyway, this was fuuuuun news to come back to when I was very jet-lagged. There is a new patreon-like service called Comradery. It definately looks appealing. So I'll probably look into mirroring my patreon content on there. But that will probably be something I sit down and figure out in like December rather than right now. For now I gotta focus on keeping The City Between running. 

That's all for this month. Thanks everyone for you support as always!

[unknowncallers-world]

What me cry while on my nightly walk in my apartment:

I don’t get it. Every person I’ve ever talked to or been with or had a crush on is in a relationship. Ofc I don’t actually know that but I go based on the people I do know it to be true. I’m sitting here saying out loud that I love Taylor. And I don’t put her on a pedestal. I don’t. I remember the day she was in an auto part store or something and she snapped at me and it made me cry. But you know what else I remember? The time she picked me up from the airport. She was waiting outside her car vaping. I saw her and thought wow. I don’t need anyone or anything else in the world if I have her by my side. She took me home. And she got me red velvet cheese cake and flowers. I also remember me constantly getting depressed. Not telling her why. And her trying to cheer me up. I remember before we started dating when I fell asleep listening to her poetry. This girl. She’s been on my mind everyday since September 2021. I thought of her when we matched in 2020. I remember it all. Now I’m in therapy. I take the pills. I can openly be vulnerable and tell you how I feel. I’ve worked on myself. I still do. Every fucking day. I’ve tried to forget about Taylor. Deleting pics. Throwing things away ofc not all of it. Keeping busy. Putting myself out there with dating apps and in person. Hanging out with friends. I’m happy alone. Not co dependent on anyone not even when I was with JD. Yet here I am thinking about Taylor. I dream about her. And I can’t help that shit. You just keep fucking putting her there. And all of this…. it’s making me miserable. I’m doing everything. And I can’t stop loving her. I can’t be with anyone who isn’t here. I can’t get her out of my head. And if I could go back in time… and I was this person that I am now. I guarantee we would still be together. Now I know I’m not the only reason we broke up. And well she gave up on me. She stopped loving me. The love wasn’t mutual and I know that. I’m not even saying I changed for her. I changed because of her. But I’ve done and tried everything. So god. Why tf can’t you bring someone into my life. Why tf can’t you prove me wrong that she’s not my soulmate. Cause rn with everything that’s happened in my life, you just keep telling me that she’s the one.

[gypsydear]

I think I need to do this daily. Just to get everything out of my head.

I wanted to really confront Shelly today about the opinions she has of me, but I decided it wouldn’t do anyone any good. I wasn’t overly talkative or friendly today like I normally was. I only worked for 5 hours this morning, I enjoy the short shifts. Terri offered me another short shift next week so I can get closer to my full time hours. I may as well take them while they are available.

I have $594 left on my furniture bill, I’m going to pay $144 next week and then start paying $150 every month after that. I should have it paid off by the end of the year. Capital One, I owe $397. A minimum payment of $25 is due by September 17, but I’m going to try to pay $125 or $150, so I can get that account fixed right. As far as the phone bill, I’ll start buying my own cards at Walmart so I don’t also have to pay for his phone, since they’ve bundled out accounts together.

Bella needs an eye appointment. I scheduled one today, but it’s over a month away and they don’t accept her insurance. So, that would be $227 for just the appointment - more if she needs glasses. Granny also told her she could get her an appointment with her doctor. I told Bella she could go with either of us, preferably whichever appointment is sooner. In the meantime, I’ve told her to ask to be moved closer to the front of the class. Also, they both have lice.

Today wasn’t a terrible day. I was tired from closing last night and going in at 7 am today, but 5 hours isn’t so bad. I don’t get morning shifts too often, and I like having the rest of the day for myself. I came home and washed all my bedding, shampooed myself for lice, just in case. I fell asleep for nearly 4 hours afterwards.

Afterwards, I woke up with the intention to read outside, but as usual, I sat there with a book in my lap and the phone in my hand. I smoked a little, was listening to music in my headphones and decided a drive sounded really lovely. So, I just drove around for about an hour in the dark singing my little heart out.

I came home and ate what was left of my subway while I watched tennis. Then, I started on my ASL courses. First study was just the alphabet, which I mostly knew but a brush up was needed.

Jon irritated me today. I just felt like he kept correcting me about things. I kind of stopped talking and responding. I’m trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. Maybe I don’t like being corrected? I don’t like being wrong? It makes me feel stupid? I have a deep concern about being stupid or being perceived that way. But I don’t want to be so concerned about being seen that way that it stops people from sharing their own knowledge, or stop myself from being able to learn from others.

For now, I’ve just told him that my social meter is low and I may go to bed soon. At first, I texted out the response “Are you just going to correct me all day?” Then I deleted it, because that’s not how I want to come across.

**Macy just called “Hey, random ass question, what’s your shutdown code so I can leave this fucking store?” 😆

Eventually, I just kind of made a joke about him being pedantic and then said what I did about my social meter. I’m sure he would understand if I presented it to him in a direct and honest way … I just hate even … I don’t like telling him something he did that I didn’t like … but that��s unfair isn’t it? Because then he’ll keep doing it and it’ll make me more upset and then what good is that …or am I just being fucking touchy? My brain overthinks everything.

8/28/23 11:18 pm

[pockybabee]

On Monday September 18th, 2023 my father passed away while I held his hand. I was completely alone despite being in a room of loved ones. I was the only one who was awake. I told him it would be okay and to let go, stop fighting because it was his time. He listened. I’ve never felt a stronger father daughter love than in that moment that we shared.

(This part about my old roommates is very aggressive and mean but to be honest I have zero fucks to give. I don’t hate them, far from it. I just hate what they put me through.)

Through the year I knew that day had been coming and in March I said he had until September. The cancer was aggressive and there was no treatment options. Still, my roommates told me I was being too negative and that I had to just hope he had longer than that.

But I knew.

They didn’t fucking listen to a word I said. Not once.

I started spending every second I had with the love of my life and one of the only people who lives near me that cares about me. Roommates were pissed as one of them was my ex best friend and she said it meant I didn’t fucking care about her. Well it’s hard to give a fuck when you know you’ll be kicked in the face again. So I continued to push her away because that’s just it, no one could be more miserable than her. Somehow I was selfish and dramatic for wanting to move out because I wanted to make sure I had enough money if I needed to rush home 600+ miles away to be there to hold my dad’s hand while he died.

July came and went, my ex best friend said she wanted to stop being friends with me and I simply said “okay” because despite my efforts she never saw my side or my pain or my hurt or any of the fucking damage she caused. The last thing she said to me was “I hope your father makes it to your wedding day” I bit back the words “if you listened, you’d know he won’t.” But her ignorant words not only lit a fire once more inside of me but they validated my choices to move in with my girlfriend, to tell anyone who tried to hurt me for my grief to go fuck themselves and to just worry about my family.

August came and at the end I warned my manager that September was it. That would be when it would happen and no one truly believed me because no doctor had given solid answers but I heard my mother on the phone and my brother’s pain through his messages to me. September was it.

I was right. Even when he collapsed and got admitted to the hospital I said “he’s not coming home this time” and sobbed into my girlfriend’s arms. She asked me how I knew and I said I just know. The doctor said there was no need to rush out but not even 24 hours later changed his mind and said death was imminent.

September.

Just like I had said all this time.

My father knew it too, that’s why we loved each other differently those last 6 months. No conversation ended without an I love you where every word held emotion and meaning. He called me first thing in the morning on my birthday and we cried together about how much we missed being together and grieved what we couldn’t do or see. By accepting my father’s death with him, our bond became unexplainably deeper than any other in our lives. He knew, I knew and we both knew that we knew. I think that’s why I was alone with him when it happened. Why he let go when I told him it was time.

We knew.

When I was in the hospital with my dad, I had very interesting dreams in the little bit of sleep I got. It was all the same continuous dream though. Him, marching through a field. You could tell he knew where he was going, like he had seen it before. There was no end in sight, but it didn’t discourage him he just kept going. It was this dream that brought me just a bit of peace in all the heartbreak and chaos. Every time I woke up it would startle me to be back in the hospital room and I would cry because I just wanted to stay in that field. It was jarring to come back to reality, like I was temporarily sucked into a different world wherever he was going and just watching him start the journey. I like to think that he made it beyond the field, to another, beautiful and peaceful place where he could just be. Just peacefully be. Personally, I think he was showing me where he was to soothe my aching heart. You can believe whatever you’d like but I saw that field. I saw it multiple times and I heard the music ringing through and I KNOW the way my heart felt. It was unlike anything I had ever dreamt of before. I’ve been wanting to share for a while I just didn’t know how to express it, but thankfully that’s what art is for, right?