jellyfish-vents

[jellyfish-vents]

TW. Mention of Suic1de

I wish someone talked about the guilt of a failed suic1de attempt. I am burdened with my failure at ending it. And I am trying to better now, trying to live, but the thought of how close I was, haunts me every now and then. The guilt of going through with it. The guilt of staying silent. The guilt of acting so selfishly. Of not thinking about my sister's smiling face. Or about the friend I promised to meet that weekend. Or the dog on the street i feed everyday... Or the plants in my room.

How many Deaths can a single step cause? It's hard to live with all that.. And it's especially harder when those suic1dal feelings crawl back in and someone inside me says, "You almost had it." There's a dichotomy of grief in this 'almost'.

It's so crazy how my life experiences now come with trigger warnings...

[jellyfish-vents]

reblog this post to remind the person you reblogged it from that they’re valued and loved and seen

[jellyfish-vents]

Hello to my loyal followers (2 in number) ((you know who you are)) .

I am back. Maybe. It's been a tough time coping with the political state of the world. Being an ignorant princess was so much easier.

Capitalism and Individualism are rotting my core as an artist.

But it's a beautiful day.

Love to all

🍉

[jellyfish-vents]

Please Happily Ignore This.

[just an internet girl ranting about her unrequited love story]

When I decided to start this blog, I wanted to make it my personal blog, a safespace.

With all these new followers, guys I don't know what you expect, but I don't know anyone of you, and I would like this to still be my personal blog. And I am so overwhelmed right now I can't go anywhere else.

This girl, that I have been absolutely in love with, just told me that she's in love with another girl, and it's reciprocated.

I am just absolutely torn because, well, You Know Why.

She called me and I couldn't stop giggling because I just am that much in glee to just talk to her. It was literally an hour ago. And she brought it up with me because she felt obliged to do it and because she said I am the easiest person to talk about it.

I could hear my heart shatter. But I didn't let her know. At all. I hid it well. I am proud of it.

I was the one who helped her talk about her sexuality, being a demi-sapio sexual myself. I helped her discover all the beauty of loving someone, whoever you love. We talked about the hardships, the bullying in school, the fear of attachment, everything. But we also talked about how divine it would be to just let us fall for the beauty of it all without considering the societal standards. And the whole reason I could say all that to her was, because I could see all that beauty in her while I fell for her.

I planned dates with her, I thought of all the movies I wanna watch with her, all he songs I wanna share, all the places I wanna be with her at, all the things I wanna do, everything. It all happened in my head. I even thought of how I would confess my feelings to her, and how I would propose her if she reciprocated and was okay with it. All this before our mutual friend broke the news to me that she is going away for her post graduation.

I crumbled that day. All I remember is crying and texting her about it and telling her how glad I am for her, up until my hands were too shaky to hold the phone and my eyes too teary to read the texts. I cried, sobbed, I mourned.

I almost thought of confessing it to her, "She ought to know" I thought. Because we shared a great chemistry. It was so organic, I bet she felt it too. But I didn't. I didn't wanna hand her another baggage to take with her, all the while she was already freaking out about moving away. I decided not to say a word. And I was happy for her.

We shared a movie evening one day. It didn't feel like it was enough. All I wanted was to cup her face and look into her eyes, and just bask in her presence. But then she left. I hope she felt my love, even if she saw it as a friend.

And today she told me about her intense feelings. About how she's scared, and excited, but scared mostly because she doesn't wanna mess up, and because it's just all that new to her, homosexuality. I could hear the hesitation in her voice, but also the truth. She indeed is in love.

We talked about it for a while, about the complications of it all. I listened to it all like a good friend and said a few helpful words that I know she counted on.

We said goodnight, I cut the call, and broke down.

It's not that I'm jealous, or anything.

Infact, I told her I'm happy for her, and I mean it by every bone in my body.

I am very happy for her.

But.

I am just sad for myself.

There's just sadness there.

September 18th 2023, 3:52am

[jellyfish-vents]

In other news, I've been following GoT for the first time in my life and I just finished season 7 last night.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm up for a huge disappointment and like ???? Ok don't give me spoilers sheesh

[jellyfish-vents]

No, you guys, this was supposed to be my anonymous trauma dump space but one of my blogs blew up more than I expected and I DO NOT LIKE THE ATTENTION DON'T FOLLOW ME I'LL HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY STOP!!!

[jellyfish-vents]

executive dysfunction be like *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels ba

[jellyfish-vents]

Ooga booga

[jellyfish-vents]

When I tell you I started crying halfway through the blog because of how much I related to all of this.

We don’t talk about this Enough

We don’t talk enough about the shame and guilt and disappointment attached to ADHD and other disorders affecting executive function.

The shame of living in messy spaces and not being able to just sweep the fucking floor like everyone else. And not brushing your teeth or hair for days or weeks and eventually having to spend thousands at the dentist and get a buzz cut.

The shame of always running late due to time blindness. And this extending to being late with deadlines at work or school, when in reality you had to take sick days because your brain wouldn’t let you get out of bed.

The shame of having sensory meltdowns because the world is too much, but being seen as having adult temper tantrums.

The guilt of knowing that you have so much you need to do, but you just can’t, no matter how hard you fucking try.

The guilt of knowing you can’t be a typical ‘good friend’ because you’re often inconsistent and even unreliable.

The guilt of knowing the food you’re about to buy is probably going to gather mold at the back of the fridge before getting thrown out; but you have to buy it anyway or you won’t eat.

The disappointment in yourself when you’ve been hyper-sexual for a week and now feel used and dirty and full of regret.

The disappointment you see in the eyes of the people you love when they see you curled up on the couch instead of following through on your plans, or doing the work you need to do, or doing your chores; but not knowing that you’re screaming inside to just do something, anything.

The disappointment of finally feeling like yourself, enjoying new hobbies, and functioning well again; then falling back into executive dysfunction and depression without any warning.

The shame, guilt, and disappointment of being afraid to share this with neurotypical people out of fear they might just say:

“Stop being so lazy” or “stop making excuses” or “but I saw you last week and you were fine”

As a result of silencing these conversations, we continue the vicious cycle and perpetuate our feelings of utter worthlessness; we suffer and we isolate and sometimes we even give up.

We don’t talk about this enough.

I think it’s time we start.

[jellyfish-vents]

I don't think there are enough hands on homo sapiens.

[jellyfish-vents]

Basically

Me, not talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

Me, talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

[jellyfish-vents]

TAKE MY MONEY!

pavlovs dog and schrodinger's cat armed with chekhovs gun and occams razor to take down freud. new hit movie coming april 20th 2069

[jellyfish-vents]

I positively believe I have ADHD but I don't have it as bad as others, so maybe I just have AD720p.

:)

[jellyfish-vents]

How old were you at the lowest point in your life? Reblog this and put it in the tags, plus your current age maybe. I'm trying to see something.

[jellyfish-vents]

Everyone must enjoy this modern rice.

[jellyfish-vents]

"look at the world. Look at humans, in all their imperfections, they are beautiful beings, capable of mistakes, and having a life regardless. Each one of them deserves the best times. Except for you, you pathetic little shit. Remember 7 years ago when you said same to you to a waiter? You're such a sad excuse for a human. Disgrace. UNALIVE UNALIVE UNALIVE"

~literally my brain to me.

my brain's logic makes literally no fucking sense. "everyone has a right to live a full life, except for me, because auuh. unmmmm. uhhhh" why am i fucking like this

[jellyfish-vents]

My right toe has a different personality from my left toe.