#technically this is me procrastinating starting my exam but also i think i needed to take my mind off it for like 15 mins

[rewritingcanon]

hpng characters and how they study for exams because im literally dying rn

rose- academic weapon. need i say more. she has the pomodoro technique down pat. she’s the girl at your local library claiming an entire table with an outlet to herself so she can plug her chunky ass laptop into it and make sure it doesn’t explode on her. she has a sugary iced drink near her at all times but she only takes a sip when she feels she’s deserved it. she eats dinner at 1am because she will not let herself move from her desk until she’s completed the practicals she has laid out in front of her. but trust that she’s losing hair and she’s greasy asf and her short fuse is basically nonexistent. she’s also always randomly sick during exam prep, but her symptoms are never bad enough to warrant a doctor’s visit, it’s only hella inconvenient so she’s chugging neuyrofen and vitamin c like her life’s on the line. no special consideration for her. when she experiences one minor setback (technical malfunction, stubbed her toe, bit her tongue etc) she starts angry crying immediately. just don’t speak to her during exam time, she’ll slap you for breaking her concentration.

albus- exam period what exam period. what are you talking about. these assignments aren’t worth half of his grade what do you mean. you’re telling him the essay was due at 5pm today and not 11:59………………. number one— doesn’t cope well at all. in denial until the twenty-four hour mark before his assignments are due and then will lock in as hard as he can but it is absolutely not a pretty process. so don’t even talk to him about it before then. number two— it’s not like he was relaxing during swotvac (idk the british term for swotvac leave me alone) period, my boy was stressed asf he was just procrastinating. you know when you’re too stressed to do literally anything. albus is a prisoner during exam period free my boy. he can’t study, he can’t relax. when he fucks up because of his poor time management he will psychoanalyse everything about himself and convince himself he’s the stupidest mammal to walk on two legs with five fingers. the mental abuse he puts himself through after submitting the shittiest 2000 word essay is crazy. but he is an affront to the english language (he’s surprisingly alright at exams cuz he’s really good at bulshitting, just don’t make him write anything longform 😭 he can’t back up his impassioned opinions with any evidence ok)

victoire- she is the influencer on studytok that makes studying for eight hours straight look like the most aesthetically pleasing pastime ever. her skin is clean, her hair is washed, her clothes are pressed, her eating and sleeping schedule is routine. she’s so not real.

james- most people think he’s an academic weapon because most people will just see the results he gets at the end of the marking period and conclude he’s hella smart. but if they saw the type of basement-dwelling creature he turns into during the study period they would be horrified. he doesn’t touch grass, he doesn’t leave his room, his lips are chapped asf. in fact his room is growing into a whole new ecosystem to account for the cave-dwelling lifestyle james has going on. he’s got the most psycho routine ever, no sane person would replicate this. he’s so mad-scientist-scribbling-incoherent-observations-at-his-barely-lit-desk-at-midnight core. he never sleeps, he only has intervals of three hour naps so it doesn’t disrupt his sleep inertia. friends can’t text or call or reach out to him— he’s on dnd for the next two weeks. you’d think he died. his siblings think he’s doing cocaine in his room to keep himself up. there is the occasional james sighting around 5am where he may trudge out of his room like a night stalker to make himself tea. his face is gaunt and ghostly and his body is brittle and awkward. don’t speak to him because he’s not going to respond he’s too busy spacing out through the entire exam period. if you do get a word out of him it’ll probably not be in a language understood in this world. best he keep to his room.

hugo- he’s absolutely broke yet the only way he can cope is through impulsive storms of online shopping and doing shopping hauls on his close friends. if he had it his way he’d wind down the night with some dti with the boys but hermione has that boy’s arse glued to the dining chair and she and rose are circling hawks scrutinising all of his answers and then insisting to mark his pracs for him. in all realness they do save him because his marks are always pretty good in the end.

teddy- simply did not study if the subject didn’t appeal to him. one of those woke students that truly believed that marks did not equate to worth. knew he would only feasibly want to pursue careers in the subjects he liked so would prioritise one or two subjects. motivational speaker to all his friends. actually didn’t let exams stop him from living his life. his speeches on the wotters aren’t so successful since a lot of them highkey gaf about their results. rose gets pissed off every time he tries with her. victoire politely ignores him. james is disassociating through the entire speech. he doesn’t even attempt it with percy’s kids. bad luck ted.

lily- if there is a person who is the exact type of person who isn’t built for studying, it’s her. she can get away with it at the start of her schooling, because she is quite smart, but when it gets serious its the biggest humbling ever. she just can’t lock in. she’ll have an exam the next day and suddenly she’s knocking on albus’ door and is willing and wanting to listen to him complain about Life Problem #218. she’s suddenly volunteering to help her mum garden and help her dad cook. she’s going to ‘study sessions’ with friends where she forces them to do anything but study. she’s binge watching shows with james. she’s picking up a new hobby in juggling. she’s attacked by a new hyperfixation she can’t get out of her head and she has to spend 6 hours a day looking at fanart. like girl go study. james will give her the most bomb (but lowkey psycho) tips on how to lock in and she’ll get motivated until she looks at her prac and sees an 8 mark short answer question. like goodnight she’s having a nap. also she eats everything in the fridge, no snacks are safe. fuck the no sugar rule fr. she’s not even hungry she just convinces herself she is so she can do literally anything else besides that 8 mark question waiting for her on her desk in her room.

dominique- would drop out.

scorpius- he’s a fucking freak because he probably likes the stress of exam period 💀 like he probs does feel stress about it, but since he’s always constantly stressed out this isn’t anything new to him. “i get to pour over all my in-detail notes i’ve written on all these subjects through the semester again?? and then do an assessment regarding the in-detail notes i have? yippee!!” his optimism is absolutely not shared by his peers but he’s so oblivious to it. he’s fantasising about what topic questions he’ll get and what his damn body paragraphs are going to be. he’s the guy seated behind you in the exam who unintentionally peer pressures you by requesting for another booklet because he’s written too much in the first. he’s the one joyfully skipping up to you after the test is over and excitedly asking for what you wrote about or what answers you got, and when he shares his responses with you, you realise his points were better or his answers were actually correct. and then he’s emailing his teachers every week asking for when the marks will be released because he’s just so excited. weirdo.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[stateofcharles]

rant incoming

i'm probably living my worst moment university-wise and i feel like crying all the time when i think about it.

i started engineering back in september, thinking that was gonna be *it*, that i would have liked it and i would've fulfilled the dream of working in f1. i have always liked science subjects and i was good at them, so i believed i actually had a chance. though, in just 6 months, i've completely lost all the determination and will to study. i can't even get to care if i fail an exam, whilst in high school i felt soo bad when i failed a test, even for subjects i hated (ik high school is different but still-). the prospect of failing and staying behind literally makes me feel nothing at all, whilst before i was scared to death of it.

i realise i am doing what i promised myself i would not do in uni, aka going to exams even if i'm sure i will not pass it. i procrastinate for days and then try to do something the night before the exam - yet lazily and uninterested. it's not even that i'm not interested in the subjects i do, it's just i don't want to study

i came to realise that this whole situation is the fruit of 8 years of restless studying (middle school + high school), of not allowing myself to be anything but at the top of my class and of sacrificing everything (free time, sleep, mental health, friends and family) to get the best grades. quarantine was the worst of it, yet i had to endure.

now i find myself with a high-school diploma that is not enough to start working (let's thank the italian school system for this), thus i'm forced to keep studying even if right now i just want to rest after those 8 years of hell - and i also feel like i deserve to rest. yet, i am not allowed to do it.

my mother knows about this struggle and she came to the same conclusion i came to: this is not the right uni for me, engineering is too much studying for the mental space i am in right now and i am 99,9% sure i will switch faculty soon.

at the moment i am torn between my two biggest passions: music and rhythmic gymnastics. on the one hand, i would love to study in a Conservatoire, but it's kinda complicated and because of my age and situation i would be hugely limited compared to my original idea. still, i could make a sacrifice and get a degree anyway.

on the other hand, i really see myself being a rhythmic gymnastics coach, spending the whole day at the gym and dedicating my life to it. i already love it right now that i do it part-time and - in my mind - it can only get better (even if it has already been proved that my mind is often wrong). the downsides of this is that the FGI courses to officially become a trainer are always online, and i fear this will partially push me towards procrastination, and it's kinda blurred when it comes to requirements, like- technically i don't need a degree in sports science, but practically it could be useful in the future, so should i leave engineering for sports science? (+ add to this that it's a bit more pricey than public unis, so i would have to partially pay for it myself - though this is the least concerning issue rn)

then comes the biggest problem of all: my mother (and my father once he knows). she keeps insisting that, if i switch faculties, i should go for something "solid" (my god i hate that word), so whenever i bring up rhythmic gymnastics she always tries to change my mind saying things such as "but what about just switching majors but still in the engineering realm?" or "what about going back to languages like in high school? or what about education? becoming a school teacher?" and i can't even get to express my real feelings - aka FUCK OFF. i don't even understand why she says she "supports me" if this is what she does.

i spoke with some friends of mine, and they said i should take this second semester to consider it all, so that in september i can finally make a decision. the problems? 1. my mom wants me to attend uni this semester as if i intended to keep going, she doesn't allow me to sign the withdrawal and look for a job instead. which means i'll be free in july only, and by then any chance of applying somewhere else have finished 2. if i switch faculties, it means going through a placement test, and i don't have the time these next months to prepare for it if i have to keep going with uni + the other things i do

also, another thing i hate - the look of pity on people's face when i say i'm struggling with uni. "but it's impossible for you, you've always done so well in school! you have a talent!" well karen, have you considered that perhaps i never really cared about school and i only studied like hell because i was (and still am) afraid of failing? never thought that i was not born a genius but i had to work my ass off to get what i got?

i really just wanna cry, but i feel i'm not allowed because it would mean keep waisting time

[qualityempathshoebear]

18th Birthday and Obsessions

Im 18; an adult. Thats fun I think. I honestly dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Today was whatever; my mom and brother said happy birthday. My dad and sister did not. Im not sure if my dad said it and I just didnt hear It but ill make sure tmr. My sister absolutely did not say happy birthday which im honestly happy about. I dont need that insidious energy.

I hope 18 is a year of success, freedom, fun, love and new opportunities and experiences.

I spent the day watching a movie actually! I watched Barbarian (Check letterboxd for a super short review lol). But dont worry Im planning on celebrating at this restaurant in the city with some friends. Some I would consider more friends than others. Im also inviting the friend of boy 2 (you know, the one that "set us up"). I want to get her drunk (in a consensual way obviously) and hope that she spills some tea on him. I have a feeling that hes talking to this one black girl that goes to journalism club at my school and who is also friends with this one gay boy (not relevant) in my class. I actually went to poland with him and the girl that set me up with boy 2. Anyway, the reason I think theyre talking is becaue he has been liking her letterboxd reviews and follows her now (although he didnt like her most recent review).

Also, UGHH I think im going crazy. Im lowkey obsessed with boy 2 even though he has had me on opened for 10 weeks (well I guess i technically left him on opened in a way). Ive gone as far as to make fake letterboxd accounts pretending to be my "friends" from back home (im using their photos and names lol; i think that may be a crime actually lol) and have been commenting back and forth with myself to make him jealous. AKA, Im absolutely losing my fucking mind. I wish he had tried harder and seemed more interested because I would honestly have loved to give it another shot in another world. There is just no way I can handle a boy rn. Im still not over it, even though its been so long and i technically ended it. Its affected my academics and my procrastination and lack of care has gotten worse. Two days ago I handed in my application for my dream uni and halfassed the applicaiton (did it all in like 1 hour) and missed out on two full essays. There is absolutly NO WAY im getting in there now and ive just wasted an early decision application. Im sort of just ignoring the fact that I did that because I cant afford to fall into a depressive state with mock exams two weeks away.

Note: I hope we wont have to talk about boy 2 again but If i do ill start referring to him as "LK".

Thank you so much for being here, loca (haha twilight reference). Bye sexy!! and until next time :)

OMG ALSO JUST REMEMBERED! IM SO OVER CEASER SALAD I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF HIM AT ALLLLLLL! AND HES WITH SOME GIRL I THINK. HONESTLY GOOD FOR HIM!!!

[thesevro]

Do you have any headcanons about sex in the kitchen with Nanami? Does he prefer doing it in bed or anywhere really? 🤤

𝖓𝖆𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖎 𝖐𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖔 𝖝 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖘𝖒𝖚𝖙 𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙: 800 words

𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘: explicit smut, voyeurism, gojo being a little shit (a bit of a sad one)

A/N: since i got childe on genshin and i’m a lover of procrastination and our exams literally start tomorrow :D

also pls co-op with me i’m bored and rhodeia is a lovable but hard-ass bitch p.s. i’m officially off the semi-hiatus i set for myself but never announced here on tumblr good morning 

It’s loud for three a.m. on a Saturday at Jujutsu Tech.

Gojo’s precious little students are sound asleep (or so he thinks, and hopes), tucked into their beds with the little plushie talismans he sets by their bedsides and takes in the morning before they wake up. He’d said goodbye to Yaga earlier, even followed the man out the gates to the school that afternoon and ranted about how Nobara could sometimes be as fierce as a rabid pack of hyenas and how much he now believes Yuji likes it.

He’d seen you and Nanami off earlier before the two of you had set off on a mission. He had expected the both of you to return and give your reports the following day. Which it technically was. But… to discover that you were both performing smexy times, as he would coin it, right at the school? Well. You must have done something to tantalize Nanami. You were often the epitome of sweet little temptations. 

“Goodness, right on the kitchen counter,” Gojo says under his breath, absolutely scandalized. He watches as Nanami wipes blood from your forehead. The blonde’s broad back is turned to him. Gojo can see the vague impression of a soft smile on your face. You look so happy to be with Nanami. It makes Gojo want to squeal in delight for his bestie.

But you sit on the counter, with Nanami’s hips much too close to your own for what Gojo would describe as appropriate at the workplace. Every time Nanami shifts in place, something in your expression goes tight and the furrow between your brows deepens. The edge of Nanami’s belt hangs at his hips. 

It had clicked in an instant for Gojo. Really though, he has no idea why he hasn’t left yet. He knows that a normal person would have left you and Nanami alone to your… godless antics, but the milieu that surrounds the personal bubble you share with Nanami tugs his curiosity back to you.

It is as if a feeling of secure domesticity cradles you and Nanami in its arms. It is a fragile thing. But it exists between two people who go and fight monsters every day. Beasts. Curses. Things that can take yours or Nanami’s life in an instant. Yet he feels not a shred of that fear, even from outside the kitchen. It puts many musings in Gojo’s head.

Nanami leans down to meet your mouth with his. His pelvis thrusts forward and your lips part into the kiss. You moan into his mouth and Gojo closes his eyes, simultaneously arches his brows, and proceeds to walk away with his hands over his ears.

Through the crack in the door, you see Gojo’s baby blues disappear. You nudge Nanami’s nose with the tip of your own.

“He’s gone,” you whisper with a laugh. Nanami’s mouth leaves yours and twists downward. He still appears irked. You rub a thumb over the corner of his lips.

“I still don’t like that he got to see you like that.” His cheekbones flex as he clenches his jaw. “Could have seen your pretty hole, lovely.”

“It was one thrust, baby,” you reassure him. “Give me a few more? Need to cum again.”

He chuckles, cooing, “Needy, huh. You already wet my pants and the counter.”

“You only have yourself to blame,” you say back, wrapping your arms around his neck and allowing your face to grow lax with bliss as he begins to rut into you.

He grunts out, “Says the one who thought it would be a good idea to fight a curse in lingerie.”

“You know you liked it,” you counter, settling your face into his neck. He was right about it being a partly bad idea, however. Your extra set of clothes had gotten ripped in the process and you’d had to hide in a filthy public restroom for fifteen minutes in the coital equivalent of underwear while he bought you new clothes. You still remember the roaches.

“You owe me three, darling,” he says. “Two more. Two more.”

“Ah, fuck.” You bite your lip before a moan can escape, pulling part of his button-up off his shoulder to wildly sink your teeth into his skin. You feel his cock jump inside you and dig your teeth in harder as he pounds into you with animalistic desperation.

“Make sure he doesn’t see you like this,” Nanami says in a firm voice, letting you loosen your jaw before yanking your head from the junction between his neck and shoulder. “Or I’ll fuck you on my goddamn desk next time.”

His next words are a jolt to your core, “Filthy slut.”

[jbreenr]

Talk Me Out Of It –Bucky Barnes

Pairing: tfatws!bucky barnes × reader

Summary: partying was not your idea of fun... until someone convinced you to stay for one more drink. (Here's the second part)

Word count: 3.7k

Warning: brief talk about sex, mention of a burn scar (is that a warning? I don't know, I'm gonna put it anyway), but none, other than that.

A/N: i'm beer drunk, it's raining outside and i just walked three blocks to get some churros while daydreaming about this so… enjoy, i guess. and tell me why i shouldn't write when i'm not in my five senses. also, let me know if you'd like a smutty second part bc im thinking of something. Lack of vocabulary and grammatical mistakes abound. *apologizes in español*.

Inspired by talk me out of it –Olivia Holt.

ᴹʸ ᵍⁱᶠ

“This is ridiculous.” You spat as you eyed up and down your reflection in the mirror. “I look ridiculous.”

“What are you saying?” your friend stood up from the bed and went to stand behind you. “You look hot. ‘Hot’ is good.”

“I don’t want to look hot, Angie. I don't want to go to that stupid reunion, in the first place.”

Angie spent most of her free time these last weeks trying to convince you to go to the annual high school meeting with her. You had missed the last… Well, all of them. And there was a legit reason why: you had way more important things to do on a friday night than failing to reconnect with old classmates (of which you had already forgotten most names) like, watching a Criminal Minds marathon choking on popcorn or scrolling through social media procrastinating the gradings of the exams you were supposed to have ready for monday morning, for example.

“C’mon! You said you’d do me this favor and I’d help you find someone to fix your pipeline.”

“No, you said that if I did this for you, you’d convince Trevor to fix it for free.”

Angie hugged you from behind and placed her chin on your shoulder, pouting and giving you her best puppy eyes. “Just because my fiance has the soul of a bricklayer doesn't mean that he also is a plumber.”

“Angela…”

“Fine, fine! I’ll tell him.” She raised her hands in surrender. “But I can’t assure you that he’d do a good job. To have the soul and to have the skills are two different things.”

“Why am I going? Isn’t Trevor supposed to go as your date?” He was technically not invited since he was from another generation of students.

Your friend walked to her closet, opened the sliding door and took two pairs of heels.

“He is, but he and Nate are really good friends and every time he appears, Trev goes to get a beer with him and the gang,” She imitated Trevor’s voice, making you laugh. “And leaves me to deal with Jessica and her bragging about all her trips and the expensive shit her boyfriend in turn buys for her.” Before you could say something, she added, “And I need you there to keep me from tearing up the hair extensions off her bleached head.”

The idea of Angie starting a fight with one of the most odious people on Earth played in your head, thoughts of your friend slowly losing patience and blowing smoke out of her ears had you biting your inner cheeks to prevent you from bursting into laughter. Mostly, because she didn’t have it in her to hurt a fly.

“I'll go.” You affirmed, rolling your eyes at your friend's triumphant yes. She stretched out her arms, heels in hand and looked at you, then the shoes, then you again. “But don't believe I'll get in the way if you decide to break Jessica's new nose with the edge of a table.”

“Deal!” She handed you the white stilettos –that matched the thigh dress that was suspiciously your size–, wearing the biggest smile on her face. “We'll have so much fun; we can try Andrew’s weird ways of getting drunk, bet on who makes a fool of themselves the fastest and, who knows? Maybe you’ll finally get Ryan Morgan’s attention and have some in the bathroom of the club.” She winked at you.

“Ew! Shut up!” You laughed it off, not wanting her to start the teasing she used back in the day when it came to your youth crush.

“I’m only saying that you haven’t had sex in what? Eight months? It is time for you to go out, to talk to other adults besides your students' parents and me. Believe me, with that dress and a smile, you could drive anyone crazy.”

You blushed and tried to play it off with a joke. “Alright, stop flirting with me or I’m telling your soon-to-be husband.”

“Meh,” She downplayed the matter with an exaggerated grin. “He knows he’ll always be number two in my heart.”

As she finished the sentence, the horn of Trevor’s BMW sounded repeatedly from outside, urging you to hurry up and scaring Angie to the point she swore he listened to her.

Sighing, you took your small purse and walked towards the entrance.

“Let’s get you someone to bang tonight.” She said as she closed the door.

    

“I still can’t believe you convinced me to come.” There had been only five minutes since they entered the bar and Bucky’s grumpiness was already making Sam regret the decision of bringing the super soldier with him.

“It’s not that bad!” Sam nodded his head to the bartender as a greeting and showed him two fingers, asking for drinks. His usual, apparently. “Remember what your therapist said? You need to make a new friend. What better place than a party to do that? It’ll be easy.” he leaned against the bar and took the glass of whiskey, sipping from it.

Of course Bucky remembered what his therapist said. It was the only thing he had been thinking of for a whole week.

”There are still not many contacts on your phone, James.” The woman wearing a blue shirt and a plain grey skirt sitting across from him said as she checked Bucky’s phone for the fourth time in two months.

The first time she did, she found out that Bucky was not answering Sam’s texts on his old flip phone and she scolded him for that; the second time, she scrolled through a couple of messages between them on the screen of his new smartphone; the third time was not so different from the second; this time, she decided to do something about it.

“I'll give you a mission,” She returned the barely personalized device to Bucky, and took her notebook to write something down. “next week you have to bring me at least two more numbers...”

“I know what you’re doing, Doc, and it’s not gonna work.” He put his phone in his pocket and adjusted his position on the couch. “But, eight for the effort... Oh, really?” he protested when her pen came in contact with the paper again accompanied with a tired look on her face.

“Two numbers.” She said as the clock struck eleven, telling them that their session was over. Bucky stood up and waved goodbye to her. “And they better be real, James!” She shouted from her seat as he closed the door behind him.

Dr. Raynor was being a little too optimistic by thinking that Bucky could start new friendships out of nowhere as if he was the same Bucky Barnes the 40’s knew. More than a mission, it was a challenge.

During a quick visit to Sam’s apartment, he managed to get Sarah's number from his phone without him noticing, but he couldn’t find someone else to add to the list, which reduced things to only one more number.

“I wouldn't be so sure about it.” He affirmed, looking away in search of a potential new friend.

    

Soon after you arrived at the beach club, you found out there was good and bad news: Neither Nate nor Ryan were going to show up tonight. Honestly, you didn’t know which news was which. In line with Angie, it was good that Nate was not there, that way, she’d have Trevor all for herself, and it was bad that Ryan wouldn’t see you slaying –as she previously described– in her lent dress. On the other hand, you knew that thanks to Nate’s absence, your friends would not pay attention to you all night, leaving you alone, but you were relieved that Ryan didn’t attend as well, that saved you from having an awkward moment with Angie trying to make you two hook up.

If you were asked, you wouldn’t admit it, but the place was nice; fake torches were placed all around the dark wooden floor, illuminating the space, along with some light series hanging here and there, walls with tall windows and a glass ceiling allowed the –not so prominent but beautiful– natural light inside, small tables in front of low sofas were strategically positioned on the sides, and a colorful dance floor was saturated with people dancing to the beat of loud music.

“Angie! You came!” Jessica’s whistle-like voice greeted your friend. “Oh, God! Y/N? What are you doing here?” Her exaggerated enthusiasm, the hug she gave you and your forced smile reminded you why you preferred to stay home, eating junk food, instead of interacting with those people. “I thought you’d be nerding as you’ve been doing ever since we graduated.” The lack of tact of her assumption had you almost taking a step forward, you were only stopped by Angie’s hand on yours.

“We’re gonna go find a table but uhm, we’ll see you in a minute, yeah?” Her self-control in those kinds of situations always surprised you.

Saying her goodbyes, she dragged you to the tables near the dance floor, Trevor following behind.

The place was crowded, people walking in every direction, chatting in the line for the restroom or just chilling and singing along to the song currently playing.

When Angie found an empty table, she practically threw herself on top of it to keep a young couple from taking it. Four chairs rounded the table and even though you did your best to sit between your friends, they found a way to be on each other, sandwiching you.

Ten agonizingly slow minutes later, you decided that if you were going to put up with all the cheesiness of theirs, you’d at least take advantage of the alcohol to make it more bearable.

“You guys!” You called, breaking the spell they were in and making them look at you. “I’m getting a drink, you want anything?”

You mentally wrote their order and walked towards the bar. A few people were there, some occupying chairs and others only waiting for their drinks. You spotted a space big enough to make yourself visible to the guy behind the bar.

“What can I get you?” He politely asked you while shaking a silver recipient and pouring the liquid in a cup. After telling him the complicated cocktail Angie asked for, the specifications of Trevor’s special drink and deciding for a simple beer for yourself, he invited you to have a seat so you wouldn’t wait standing.

Chin in hand, legs crossed and a yawn said that your drinks were supposed to be ready a while ago. One of the guys sitting next to you had left his friend’s side to go dancing with a girl, came back and then went to the dancefloor again. At least, he was having fun. The other guy’s back was facing you, his elbow rested on the bar and from your peripheral sight you saw the screen of his phone unlocking and then turning black repeatedly.

Huffing, he went to put his phone in the pocket of his jacket, but the movement of his arm pushed a glass of liquor off the bar and straight to your thigh.

“Damn it!” you spat when the cold liquid made contact with your skin.

Your words brought more attention than you intended. The guy’s (who turned to you with an intrigued expression that fast morphed into a worried one) included.

“I’m so sorry.” he apologized, taking a bunch of napkins and doing his best to dry your leg without touching you that much.

“Angie is gonna kill me!” snatching the napkins from him, you rubbed the growing wet patch in the dress, in hopes of making the yellowish stain disappear. “She's gonna bury me in the woods and then plant a tree near the grave to compensate for the life she took.”

“What?” he asked with a little laugh as he saw you struggling to take the little remains of paper off the dress.

“This thing is hers and Lord protects whoever dares to damage her new wardrobe. I don’t want to deal with an angry Angie ever again. She's the personification of an angel, but even the devil used to be one.” not looking up, you answered.

“And, where’s Angie?” He handed you another napkin.

“The pretty five feet blonde with a blue strapless over there.” You pointed in her general direction, not taking your eyes out of your current task.

“You mean the girl that’s practically eating that guy alive?” Taken aback, you looked at him for the first time that night; Blue eyes reflecting the color of the lights you were under, a short beard framing a plump pink smile, dog tags hanging on a chain around his neck, black t-shirt and leather jacket accentuating his obviously worked body, and a pair of gloves covering both his hands. How was he not melting in those clothes? You had no idea.

After the eternal seconds you drowned in his beauty, you turned to look for your friend, only to find her doing exactly what the stranger said she was doing. Her and Trevor were in the middle of an intense make out session, all thoughts of their upcoming drinks, seemingly forgotten.

“Well, I’m still not taking any risks.” Leaving the ball of napkins you made on the table, you said, “If she yells at me for this, I won’t hesitate to blame you.” The severity in your warning intrigued Bucky. He was not sure if you were being serious or not.

He opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted when the bartender approached you. “An apple, orange and mint Margarita with an itty-bitty tiny bit of cinnamon,” he repeated the way you described Angie's drink. “the weirdest mix I’ve ever done, and a Corona.” he opened the bottle for you and left it to rest on top of a piece of paper.

You took your wallet out to pay for them but a gloved hand stopped you.

“Allow me. To make up for Angie’s dress.” He tilted his head and gave the bartender some cash, not waiting for your authorization. The guy turned from your face to the stranger's a couple of times and with a sigh, walked away to keep working.

“You’ll have to buy more than these to make up for Angie’s absurdly expensive dress.” You laughed while balancing the drinks in your hands, successfully keeping them steady enough for their content not to drop. The piece of paper took off from the bottle and fell to the ground.

You were prepared to leave, but he stopped you for the second time that night.

“How many more?” You couldn’t decipher if he was genuinely asking, mocking you, or being flirty. Your eyes traveled to your friends, who were most likely trying to beat the record of the longest kiss ever performed. The stranger bent down to pick the paper up and quickly eyed it. “They won’t miss you for a couple more minutes.”

You contemplated the situation: you could either go back to those lovebirds, to uncomfortably third wheel them and end up drunk on Trevor's strange vodka, curaçao, white and dark rum mix or, sit again and do all the small talk thing with this guy until his friend came back.

Even though you were mentally prepared for the first option, you put the drinks down and sat crossing your legs.

“Yeah, they're gonna be fine without me.” you affirmed, and it was not only because you spotted Jessica making her way towards them.

Bucky did his best not to look too excited when you decided to stay, maybe his most complicated mission was not going to be that complicated after all.

“I haven’t introduced myself.” He smiled showing his perfectly white teeth. “I’m Bucky.” His right arm rested on the bar and his hand was ready to shake yours.

The politeness of his voice and the little smile he gave you made you giggle. Your palm came in contact with the rough material of his glove as you told him your name.

“I think this is yours.” He placed the piece of paper in front of you.

“It is?” Incredulous, you took it. In black ink were written the name and number of who you thought was the bartender. “Oh, it is.”

“You should be used to it.” Considering how pretty you are, he completed the sentence in his mind.

”Pff, totally. That's the fifth tonight.” You said as you folded the paper and put it in your purse. The statement had him raising his brows in surprise. How was it possible that someone gets five numbers in a night and he can't even get one? “I'm kidding!” You clarified when you saw his expression. “No one ever talks to me. They usually think I have a resting bitch face.”

“He didn’t.”

Various colors danced on his face thanks to the lightning of the room and you only wished to have the red on yours, so he wouldn’t see the inevitable blush on your cheeks.

“He was an exception.”

    

Trevor’s drink was just as strong as you thought it would be, but Bucky didn’t even blink when he took a sip. Still, you suggested to settle on a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses.

Time flew; you were having so much fun conversing with him, finding out that people didn’t get close to him as well helped you stop feeling like you couldn’t act normal around him, the story of what his therapist asked him to do almost made you spit your drink, and your random babbling with nonexistent words in song lyrics in the middle of a sentence had him cackling every time.

    

Coming down from your laughter caused by something he said about his friend Yori starting fights out of nowhere, you refilled your glasses.

His fingers took the neck of his shirt and moved it back and forth, as to shake off the suffocating heat he was probably feeling.

“Why don’t you take that off? I boil just by looking at you.” For the look he was giving, you were sure he saw the loading bar processing your words drawn on your forehead. “Maybe that was not the right way to say it.”

“It’s… complicated.” He simply answered, suddenly shy and apparently uncomfortable.

“A poorly done tattoo?” You couldn’t stop yourself from asking, the alcohol already taking effect.

He took a sip of his beer to give him time to answer. “Something like that.”

By the way he said that, you figured it was a more delicate topic than the name of an ex or a distorted face drawn on his bicep.

“Well, I once had a student, she had this huge burn scar on her leg and she hated it, like, legitimately hated it.” Your eyes were glued on him, but he could see by the softness of your face that you were immersed in the memories, so he let you talk. “She would wear tights under her uniform even if it was hot outside.” You had your glass in hand and close to your mouth, but you didn’t drink.”One day I asked her why she did that and she answered ‘Because I don’t want them to think I’m a monster.’” Your expression was sad now, almost as much as Bucky’s. Not knowing, you had put into words the way he had been feeling about himself for the longest time.

“How did you respond to that?” He held his breath, almost afraid of what you were going to say.

Snapping out of your mind, you opened your mouth to answer.

“Hey, sweetie!” Angie’s voice cut you off. “We waited for our drinks.” Your raised brow told her that you didn’t believe a word she was saying. “Anyway, we’re leaving now. Jessica wants to play this stupid game where we remember the emarassing things we did in eight grade and I don’t want her laughing at the thought of me falling off a chair in the lab. You coming?”

“I--”

“Told you not to interrupt them.” Trevor scolded her as he approached the group, but hugged her in an affectionate way.

“I had to make sure she didn't need backup.” You rolled your eyes but internally (and sarcastically) thanked her for worrying about you.

“It’s ok, but uhm, I’m down for one more drink.” You glanced expectantly at Bucky, wanting him to say that he was too.

He looked around, in search of his friend and huffed. “I think Sam forgot about me, so I don’t really have anything else to do.”

The smile on his lips said that he didn't want to do anything else.

Neither Bucky nor you noticed, but Angie and Trevor shared a look of complicity. Your friend's next words, charged with joy.

“Well then, we’ll get going. Have fun and be safe.” The swiftness of her change of mood when she looked at Bucky was impressive. “You better take care of her.” She pointed at him with a finger, and he understood why you were so worried about her reaction regarding the dress. “I’ll see you tomorrow, girl.” She leaned to hug you and whispered in your ear “He’s hot.”

“Angela!” Your face felt like a tomato. “Just, take her away from here, would you?” You asked Trevor, who saluted you and threw his fiancee on his shoulder, making you laugh.

“It’s the truth and you know it!” She shouted from above the music.

“I'm really sorry about her. She's not even drunk.”

Bucky's amusement was evident, it was the first time he felt that way ever since he visited Sam and his family in Louisiana, and your sweet embarrassment only intensified his happiness.

“I'll pour you another drink to make up for her.” Taking the bottle and filling his glass, you declared.

Suddenly, you felt in a déjà vu, in an upside down reality when he said his next words. “You'll have to pour more than one to make up for her.”

Your smile mirrored Bucky's when you asked “How many more?”

[apathycarestostudy]

Any studying, motivation and procrastination tips please? Desperately in need of some before a new academic year starts.

Hello hello! Yes! I’m sorry I took a bit to get back to you with these - I just wanted to give you the best I got. So here ya go, I mixed up everything you asked for in a couple of strong tips. I’ve divided into preparing for the new semester, study tips, and then procrastination tips with a sprinkle of motivation all over it.

Prep:

Sooo the academic year is right around the corner (or dreadfully yet, already here), and you need to shift to get with the times. Fixing your sleep schedule? Getting your syllabus ready? That’s all important and good, but how do you keep the determination strong as the first few weeks go by? How to prepare better?

make a lessons learned note

I learnt this from my internship. It’s a good practice that after a project, you take some time to review what happened during the project and create a final report, concluding it with a couple bullet points of the lessons you learnt from it. If you need a feel of what that looks like, here’s my lessons learned from last semester:

Using OneNote is a waste of time

If you don’t keep up in the beginning, you’re going to show up for attendance and give the bare minimum to move on

You need to learn how to speak up during class - you know the answer, what’re you so nervous about?

Don’t fear marking up your books - it’s yours??? You paid for it??? Using highlighters are useful if used appropriately

Be careful about helping people - you’ve been caught four times helping friends while they kept stuff from you and got ahead

Y’all I had to stop myself lol. I planned to write my top three, but then kept clicking enter again and again. Well. Now you know my concerns. 

Getting back on track though, you should take some time to write down the stuff you learned from last semester’s experience to know what you’re going to take with you, and what you’ll quit doing. It’s a strong, positive start, and it prevents you from making the same mistakes again.

delete/move stuff off your phone + organize your laptop’s folders

It’s better to keep our phones clear and ready for the new semester’s mess, right? I have a bunch of screenshots, and files, and notes on my phone that I don’t need to keep anymore, but I’m a bit of a hoarder :))) I like to keep stuff in case I wanna look back, be that girl people just know has something they’d need, or hell if I need to retake a class (it’s happened unfortunately). Maybe you got a junior you want to pass your stuff along to. So what do you do? Move it to your laptop of course!

Well, that’s what I do. If you don’t have a laptop, you can upload it somewhere (google drive etc.), attach them on emails, anything that works for you! There’s always somewhere you can put your stuff that’s private and safe.

That goes into my next point - be sure to take the time to reorganize your spaces now. Since I put it on my laptop, I organize my folders to my liking, make sure everything is where it should be with older ones, and create new ones for the coming semester. Just pop on some music, sit down and get cracking. It gives me a pleasant feeling after I look at everything when I’m done.

set up your calendar/planner!

This is a recurring tip that I think is good enough to reiterate. Whatever method you use to keep track of stuff needs to be updated, upgraded, and ready to go! If you’ve used something that failed mid-way through last semester, or you didn’t like but had to keep with it because you were in too deep, put that in your lessons learned record. Here’s your chance to change to a better system. It’s fine if you already started your new term - it’s still early enough to switch/set up a new one!

Make sure you don’t overdo it though. The point of this is to keep track of, say, assignments and quiz dates, not spend an unnecessary amount of time organizing and stuff and falling into the pit of preparing to study. If it works for you and has been working for you - keep going! But if it’s taking time and having any negative correlation to your performance, it’s better to do away with it than to keep going and have it be another lesson learnt next semester. I’ll be the first to say that I tried setting up a bujo for myself - bought markers and washi tape and all - and I gave up after three days of using it. And I set up an entire month and then some. It hurt my soul to admit that it was a waste of time for me, and not keep beating at it, but I did, and now it’s sitting here mocking me everyday. But I have time to watch it mock me ;) 

My go-to organizational system: Microsoft To-do (not sponsored :((), phone’s calendar, phone’s notepad. That’s it.

create a night routine

People usually say fixing your sleep schedule and having a night/morning routine is good, but in my opinion, a night routine is stronger than both. For some reason, for the life of me, I can’t get my sleep schedule right unless some force stops me from staying awake. I tried getting in bed early and throwing my phone across the room - but I’d lay there for hours thinking about the next day so I don’t bother anymore. The morning routine just ruins my mood because I’d either fail miserably and feel worse, or feel overwhelmed. It’s better if both happen either circumstantially or organically for me. 

Night routines set an easy-going mood, and it’s full of potential because it also sets the scene for the next day. By night routine, I don’t mean what you do before you sleep, I mean the consecutive things you do every night. For example, I play a round of games with my siblings (card games and board games), then shower, do my skin care routine (wash-toner-moisturizer that’s it lol), watch a video as I’m combing my hair (and then watch a couple more), feed my turtle, and then see what I want to do. Sometimes I sleep right after, other times I’m on my phone or reading a book. But just this set of recurring events calms me down when my life is chaotic, and it’s easier and more doable than morning routines for me.

Action:

Now we’ve set the scene, so it’s action time (I’m so lame). 

don’t let work pass you by

In regards to studying, this is the - BIGGEST - tip I can ever give you. The ironic thing is, it’s still going to happen no matter how much you try, and that can damper your mood and your drive, but here’s my tip: MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH!! 

If you know it’s going to happen eventually, don’t let it affect you - focus all your efforts not in doing it everyday, but maintaining it for as long as you possibly can. Don’t let your studies pass you for even a second. Work it like you work a job as long as you can, and you’ll end up surprising yourself on how much you had completed when you gotta review for quizzes and exams. 

You know how they say exercise and earn your shower everyday? How about study and earn your play time everyday :)))

if it does, work backwards

So we’re here. You’re behind by two weeks. Like I mentioned up there, we knew we were going to end up here eventually (and if you didn’t, share your ways lol. no matter how much I cred myself with studying and getting shit done, I still don’t know what’s going on), so now what do we do? Work backwards. The prof/teach is at point S and you’re still curling the bottom of J? Start from S and go to R, then Q, then P....while maintaining the new stuff you’re learning after S. Pinch it in. We should aim to follow the class as much as we can so it’s more effective to study backwards and keep going with it. It’ll also help killing the thing that’s refusing to let you go faster with the beginning stuff, and you’ll be reviewing what you learnt in real time along with the class. 

Don’t know why I said the previous tip was the best I had to offer when we both know that this one is the real G.

pathetic notes are still notes

This one is a weird one - I had an issue with notes for a beat. I have this belief that you should always make notes every class, no matter how much new stuff you learn, but then there’ll be days where I write three lines and it just hurts my soul for some reason. I guess it’s the incomplete page? The three lines I’ll add tomorrow and face this again? Not sure. But whatever it is, do not stop writing notes! If you learn something new that’s not written anywhere, or hell you just wanna jot it down somewhere more accessible, always write it down, no matter how pathetic your notebook’ll look. I had to get over that, so I thought it would be good to mention. Always. Take. Notes. Nothing is too much information on the race to securing your livelihood.

If you can’t get over it, maybe try printing the slides and making your notes on the borders. I started doing this for more technical courses that don’t get a lot of notes, and it works really well having it in one place.

(I should pin a picture, idk, I’m really proud of it.)

starting strong is good, consistency is even better

In the end, that person who walks in stronger than last semester are plenty, but the one who wins in the end is always that one person - what makes them different? They don’t watch the ones who’re running strong in the beginning and mess up their pace by either trying to keep up with them, do more, or discourage them. They maintain a consistent effort and benefit in the end. It’s the story of the hare and the turtle - consistent, slow effort beats rushing and getting out of fuel in the last stretch. 

There was this one semester where it seemed like half my class decided that they were all going to be on all of a sudden, and it threw me off, made me insecure, and then I started comparing myself to them. The only thing that saved me was that I kept my consistent effort in the meantime because I had consequences if I didn’t perform - so at the end of it, it didn’t matter how hard they started. Only two out of the thirteen elevated their rank. And I was where I needed to be, so that feeling was wasted.

Well, not completely wasted now since I’m telling you. Focus on yourself. Stay consistent. It’s good to be aware of where everyone is, and use it to motivate you, but no negative feelings that’ll hold you back. Release it.

(also pro-tip: teachers don’t care about the loud ones, they care about the consistent ones)

Procrastination:

Now we got the ball rolling - how to avoid this monster? Also, if you still haven’t gotten the ball a-tumbling,

what do you fear?

Oftentimes it’s the fear of something that hinders us from starting. My common fears that keeps me procrastinating are fear of failure, fear of taking too long and wasting time, fear of finding out how little I know of the thing I haven’t learnt yet - I could keep going forever. It’s easier ignoring it and treating it like it’s not there than to face it, I know. But we wanna be better, so how can we?

Write down what you feel, get it out, and then study. A lesson I learnt from last semester was that journalling before I studied helped immensely. Just try it for a session - get out what you’re thinking about, and end it with an action item (I’m going to do xyz now) and then do it. It’s like a weight being lifted off of you. I’ve never felt so light studying in my life, I feel. 

do, don’t tell yourself you will, do

shameful self plug: read this to see what I mean (specifically the you don’t need a lot to get started ramble) 

don’t take on more than you can chew

Something that can kill your grind is if you overwhelm yourself by tying yourself down to things you know you won’t be able to handle later on. It kinda plays off the doing too much in the beginning - you’re setting yourself for failure if you don’t think through your decisions, and then fall into procrastination with the things that’d breed the most consequence. So be careful.

I’m not saying don’t apply yourself - it’s really good to get as much experiences (fun and useful) as you can. But don’t let it be at the expense of what matters. Your health, your faith, your studies - all these things matter more than....insert something here....yeah.

start everyday intentional, end every night with intentions

I’ll end it with this. Start your day intentional on getting stuff done, and you can cleanly avoid procrastinating. End it with good intentions for the next one, and you’ll keep this habit going. Whatever that is, finding your happy place, making a to-do list, praying, journalling, talking to someone - always try to wake up with the mindset that this’ll be your day, and end it with a pat on your back and a promise to do better - if you managed or not. Everyday is a new chance. Every midday is a chance. Now is your chance. It’s just a matter of being hungry and taking it.

Ooof I took water breaks writing this, and it still felt like I had more to say. Sorry for the length lol - I hope this helped in any way. And good luck! New semester, same you, new mindset, better results ;))  (I’m so lame lol).

By the way y’all, if you happen to be loud and consistent, share those tips also lol. 

Here’s to our collective success!

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[sobstoriesandshitposts]

2019 has already ended but here’s a list (+ my unasked for opinions) of all the books I’ve read in 2019 in chronological order, Part 2.

((Disclaimer: this is a shitpost for myself and highly overrun by my emotions — I shall not be held accountable if my opinion is taken seriously. And I know it’s 2020 already, but procrastination is prevalent.))

By the way, here’s part 1, if you’d like.

8. The Dragon Republic

Rin was an absolute mess the entire book and god knows how frustrated I got with the dumb decisions™ she made every step of the way. But the poor girl was going through some shit and she picked it all up at the end, so I’m ready for the third installment, and to finally, see the end of the poppy war. Also, THE THIRD BOOK HAS BEEN NAMED “THE BURNING GOD” and I stan. But generally, book 2 wasn’t very memorable to me, and I don’t remember it very well anymore so it was eh.

Characters: 3/5

Plot: 3.5/5

General feel things factor: 3.5/5

9. An Ember in the Ashes

God, I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED BY THIS BOOK. I almost hate it. I might actually. It’s definitely the book I dislike most of 2019. Ok listen, I’m pretty sure I dislike it because I hadn’t been in the right mindset to read it, and it just ended up not being the kind of book I was looking for in terms of plot and mood. Maybe it was intentional, but everything ended up being really dreary and boring and so underwhelming to me. I didn’t feel anything for the story nor for the characters (whose names I no longer remember). I mostly wanted to follow the first girl’s story rather than the other two characters (even though honestly, I didn’t care for what was happening to her either) so I ended up skimming half of the book and then forcing myself to finish the rest of it. Why didn’t I just DNF it? I don’t know too. I was probably going through some kinda mood.

Characters: 1/5

Plot: 1.5/5

General feel things factor: 1/5

10. To Kill a Kingdom

NOW. I’ve seen some reviews on this, and boy, were they mixed — but let’s ignore them, because here is my significant opinion: it was cute. I think tkak is just a simple, short fantasy-romance that got out a cute couple and was done with it. I loved Lira’s character, idk there was just something about her dryness (hah, even though she’s a siren-) that I really enjoyed. Although I have to say, the main guy character had been rather bland, and I don’t remember his name anymore. But anyway, I liked the first-meeting-girl-slaps-boy-scene. I liked the pirates. I liked the romance. I liked the straight-forwardness. I liked the happy ending. (And after AEITA, this was exactly what I needed.) So 10 points to Alexandra Christo.

Characters: 3.5/5

Plot: 3.5/5

General feel things factor: 3.5/5

11. An Enchantment of Ravens

SO. DAMN. ADORABLE. Some people hate enchantment, some people don’t. I personally absolutely loved it. I found Isobel and Rook so cute together, and everything was just really soft and fluffy. Like tkak, it’s just a short and sweet romance, but it leans more towards the fairytale vibes — and I was vibing. I found both the main characters so whimsical and dramatic and ridiculous and they were just so ENJOYABLE to read about. The plot was simple and to the point and it didn’t meander when it didn’t have to — so I don’t care what anyone has to say, an enchantment of ravens is probably one of my favorite reads in 2019 and I adore it. (And the line “Now stop making me feel things.” is just iconic to me. I mean, please, Rook.)

Characters: 4.5/5

Plot: 4/5

General feel things factor: 4.5/5

12. Graceling

Alright, so this is the book I ended on before I stopped reading, aka stopped ignoring the reality of my exams, to start studying for my exams. I found Po and Katsa cute together and I enjoyed their dynamics, but they got a little boring towards the end. I think their relationship got too mature and serious for me (or maybe exams looming over my head just made me really depressed) so they lost the childish charm about them that had drawn me in in the first place. But that doesn’t change the fact that Katsa is an absolute badass, that the entire scene in the courtyard where they fought is iconic, and that the truth behind Po’s sight at the end made me cry. Wasn’t my favourite, but graceling was enjoyable, which was exactly what I needed to feel satisfied to end on, and not too drawn into a world that I needed another one to replace it after it ended. Thank you Graceling, for saving whatever had been left of my grades.

Characters: 2.5/5

Plot: 3/5

General feel things factor: 3/5

13. The Cruel Prince (& The Wicked King & The Queen Of Nothing)

This is definitely my favourite book (and series) of 2019 and I was ruined by it. I actually had to reread the cruel prince, because the first time I did, I didn’t enjoy it and that didn’t sit right with me — I mean, come on, Holly Black is my queen and there’s no way I’d dislike a 4.2 star book of hers. And boy, was that one of the best decisions I’ve made in 2019. I was so immersed in Jude’s world and everything she was about to face; I rooted for her the whole way. I loved her character so, so much (for once, we get an mc that is actually smart). I loved Cardan so, so much. Honestly, I truly liked all of the characters. And Jurdan? I live for that sh*t. I was completely floored by this trilogy and I. Still. Want. More. (+ The quotes from this series??? Just freaking iconic.)

Characters: 5/5

Plot: 5/5

General feel things factor: 5/5

14. Sorcery of Thorns

Ah, yes, another one of the books I was disappointed by. After An Enchantment of Ravens, I had been so excited to read the second work of Margaret Rogerson, but it wasn’t what I thought it’d be. I really enjoyed it at first, but around the half way point I started to get bored and almost DNFed it. And yes, I am aware that Sorcery is meant to be an epic fantasy and is different from Enchantment, but I just thought that the characters would still have that whimsical, ridiculous flair that had been done so well in Enchantment — but the character building here kind of just fell flat for me. Although there were moments I did enjoy reading about Elisabeth and Nathaniel, I just didn’t really see the chemistry between them and I couldn’t appreciate their interactions and banter much. I felt like Silas was just a cookie-cutter “cold on the outside but warm on the inside” character as well. Okay, I’m being extra harsh on this book because of my crushing disappointment from great expectations, but actually, Sorcery had been a pretty good read that started off well. Although the middle got a little dry, i think it picked itself up again at the end and I felt compelled to finish it. Plus, Silas’ moment made me tear up even when I hadn’t expected myself to, so, that’s always a bonus.

Characters: 3/5

Plot: 3/5

General feel things factor: 3/5

15. The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue

So whimsical. So funny. So light-hearted — yet it had the surprise punch-you-in-the-gut feels. I spent a good deal of time laughing over Henry’s antics (when he ran naked around Versailles???? Oh my god, what are you doing, Henry?) and his efforts at trying to be a decent human-being. It was honestly, a very heart-felt and romantic story, which really has me torn up because how does Mackenzi Lee weave in so many heavy, important themes like abuse, trauma, racial and sexual discrimination and mental illness, and still make it such a light-hearted story — that was done well? (And lets not forget how she’s also managed to include some serious Fullmetal Alchemist vibes in there complete with murders and violins and pirates. Geez.) She’s a genius that’s how. The number of times I’ve almost cried, but was saved by Henry’s comments is just- ugh. If there’s any book I’d recommend just for being a damn good book, it’d be this one because, wow, was it good.

Characters: 4.5/5

Plot: 4/5

General feel things factor: 4.5/5

16. Carry On

We have now reached my final book of 2019: it was an absolute delight and one of my favourites. I just loved the characters, like they were so enjoyable to read about. I mean, I felt like Simon had a stick up his ass for a good portion of the beginning, but he softened up later on and my god, Baz. I loved his character so much. And the pining? HELL YES. And then, of course, his refusal to admit that he was pining to anyone else but himself. Simon and Baz were just extremely shippable, and I was ready to gobble up whatever I could of their romance. So fluffy, so ridiculous. Rainbow Rowell also made good use of the switching POVs. I normally dislike it when author’s switch the perspectives because it tells a side of the story that I really don’t care for (ahem, an ember in the ashes...) but Rowell did it so damn well. Even Agatha’s pov was enjoyable. She provided a different perspective on things compared to the other characters and I actually really liked her “I don’t want to have anything to do with this bullshit” take on things. It was fresh, and funny, even if she was being an ass half the time. So, Carry On? It’s a yes from me.

Characters: 4/5

Plot: 3/5

General feel things factor: 4/5

And finally, my 3 DNFs, in which I will rant about them just a little:

1) Wicked Fox

Didn’t like the writing style. Normally I don’t notice writing styles much because I’m just not that good with the technicalities, but Wicked Fox’s bothered me and I just couldn’t enjoy it. Also, I wasn’t in the mood to be patient, so I just decided to drop it.

2) Serpent & Dove

I actually really liked the beginning, but I think I wasn’t in the right headspace and I started to get bored by it, so I stopped reading. I’ll probably pick it up again in the future when I’m in the mood for it though :)

3) Throne or Glass

My god. I picked this up purely as tribute for Feysand — which, I guiltily admit, I really enjoyed — but- I- I couldn’t get past the first five chapters of tog. Putting aside the writing style (Why! Are! There! So! Many! Exclamation! Marks!), I didn’t feel anything for any of the characters, and any of the scenes. I don’t know what it is, but everything just felt so disconnected from me, and I had an inkling that I wasn’t going to care about what happened to the mc, or what happened with her and the other two (who I presume are) love interests because even on first impression, and a little past that, both seemed so bland to me. Sigh.

That’s it for the list; if you’re still here, good on you.

[drev-the-procrastinator]

1, 8, 12 and 52 for the writing thingy!!!

Look at me finally answering these after like a whole month lol

Thanks for the ask!

1. Tell us about your WIP!

Which one lol, I’ve got many of them. Too many. Really. That, coupled with the fact that I am a slow writer because I keep getting distracted and procrastinating (like with answering these asks,,,,) means that pretty much everyone on this site will die of old age before I finish like any of them :’D

Anyway, I guess I’ll give brief summaries of all of the… main ones. This is gonna be a long one, fellas! I guess in the order I came up with them? Or the order I’m pretty sure I came up with them in.

TT: My original story I’ve been low-key working on and reworking since… 2012…? It’s a fantasy story, and it is… way too long probably. Also needs a lot of work. Worldbuilding and character building and plot building… At the moment, I guess I could summarise it as, our world gets wrecked for some reason, and the main characters, these two girls, who got saved into another, fantasy world with like… a bunch of other survivors, leave the Earth-refugee camp and get tangled with like, politics? Of that world? Well, politics and then eventually like, a war type thing… I didn’t say it was good, and I did also say it needs a whole lotta work. I’m pretty happy with some names younger me came up with though! Also it has dragons, so. Yup.

Fantasy fanfic: I am very good with names, as you’ll come to notice. Anyway this is a.. Hetalia fantasy fic..? I came up with in, like, 2014. I’m not actively working on this one at the moment, but I would like to maybe write it one day, and my most beloved OC originated in this story, you may have seen me mention her in my tags? I haven’t managed to come up with a name for her, but I call her the Asshole Goddess, because she’s a goddess, and also an ass. So.

Anyway this one’s pretty cliche, and it’s like, an absurdly large cast of Hetalia characters ending up in a fantasy world, where a bunch of other characters, who’d gone missing earlier, have apparently been taken to? Then it’s a journey to find and get them back, friendships are formed and magical things are encountered, but uh oh! They’re mortal here and can die! And many do. You may note I was 14 when I came up with it, so. Well. It is quite edgy. Had some good concepts though!

Kingdom AU: Great with names, as I said. This one is also a Hetalia fic, because that is the fandom I’ve been stuck in forever, though mostly just because I’ve so many fics for it. This is the odd one out in my fics though! This is like, a royalty AU of an rp AU me and my friend made by accident one time? The RP, not this AU, this is all my invention. It’s really just for me and my friend, since it’s based on that strange RP and the main thing in it is like and OC x canon character ship? That’s also why it’s the weird one, I don’t usually have much romance in my fics because I’m not big on ships and just prefer gen stuff, but this one is like primarily romance? Lots of pining. And it’s very soft. And I love this AU with all my heart. It’s also got a whole lotta angst!

Basic plot is the more or less classic, kinda cliche, peasant girl goes to get a job in the royal palace to help her poor family and meets the crown prince, and they become friends, and slowly fall in love.. Except, well, this is weird also in that the end point isn’t them getting married or confessing their love or anything, that’s like...Maybe the midpoint? There’s also politics, kinda worldbuilding? It’s set in like a 1700s type setting, I think, And while it’s not really a fantasy world since no magic, it’s not like, a real world setting. Anyway, yeah, this is near and dear to my heart.

The Home Front Fic: This! This is the one I’ve been trying to work on lately! It’s about life on the Finnish home front during WWII, and yes this is uh, also a Hetalia fic. Sorry. Though to be fair with this one and the previous one everyone’s probably gonna be so OOC and the setting is so different they might as well just be original works lol. Anyway, it’s a human AU, and also had a lot of OCs for that reason because it’d be tough to make a story of this scope with like. Three characters.

Basically! Tino is a 8, soon to be 9-year-old boy living in the Finnish countryside in 1942. His dad’s gone off to war, as well as the farmhand they had at the farm, and his mom and grandma can’t take care of the whole farm by themselves. So when they hear a nearby factory and some other farms in the area are getting extra work force in the form of Soviet prisoners of war, they decide to ask for one, too. They get a worker, his name’s Ivan. It takes some time, since they’re technically enemies, right, but eventually Tino befriends him and slowly he kind of becomes a part of the family… But you know what happened when the Continuation War between Finland and the Soviet Union ended in September 1944? :) Well, I’ll just say that Stalin did say “There are no Soviet prisoners of war, only traitors.”

This one also has angst. But it also has found family! I like it a whole lot, I wish I’d written it already, but I have been having such a hard time starting it. :(

That BNHA Fic: I can call it that because I’ve only got one so far! So this is a My Hero Academia fic, and hmm. I haven’t talked about it too much, but I do like it, even though my focus has been pulled back to the Home Front Fic again. I do wanna write this one!

So this is like a future fic? It’s canon divergent because some stuff happening in the manga rn is not gonna work with the plot, I guess it’ll diverge at least from like… all the New Year’s chapters? I don’t remember what the number is.

Anyway, the main character is Eri, who’s been going to like this boarding school meant for kids with volatile quirks. She wanted to go there herself when some years ago her quirk had gone bonkers, she thinks? Something like that, she doesn’t remember that well anymore, but anyway, she’s going to apply to UA! Just the Gen-Ed, her quirk isn’t any good against robots. She’d love to be a hero, though, she knows so many heroes and she just wants to help people, but her quirk is no good. :( Anyway she’s back in Musutafu for the summer break in her last year of middle school, and she meets Mirio and Aizawa at the train station, and they go around the town meeting everyone! In the entrance exams she meets Kouta, who for some reason doesn’t want to be a hero though he’s got a really good quirk for it, and he’s proud of his parents who were famous heroes! They both get into UA, and she manages to convince him to try to get into the hero course through the Sports Festival, and he does! She doesn’t get that far in the festival though, because even though she’s practiced using her quirk, she’s scared to use it on people when in battle and stuff. Anyway, she’s very upset about it, and when she tells Mirio about how she wants to help people, but can’t, because her quirk sucks, he gets this look on his face and later tells her that he knows someone who could help. They go to meet this scarecrow lookin’ dude, and oh wait, is that All Might?? Why’s he refusing to help her out from Mirio’s request?? And later, what’s this One For All Mirio’s talking about?? And whose kind arms does she keep dreaming of in her sleep??? 

So yeah. That’s the BNHA fic. One more WIP to go!

Space Fic: Back to Hetalia, and this is technically an older fic but I decided to someday actually write it just recently. So it’s my Historical Human AU No. 3. It’s based on a space facts video fact, where it said that in 1963 Kennedy had proposed the USSR and US go to the Moon together, and Khrushchev had been meaning to agree, but then Kennedy died and the plan was abandoned. This story idea was like, but what if they’d gone through with it? And then, because why not, what if they’d included other countries as well? And this WIP was born. It’d be like, the main characters would be representatives of their home countries, sent to take part in the program and they’d all be candidates for going to the Moon, but there’d be only 3 spots on the rocket so like, they’d kind of have to compete for the spots? And the ones that wouldn’t pass would take part in the mission on Earth. So then there'd compete, there’d be personal drama, their personal relationships would be affected by the relationships between their home countries, but overtime friendships would be forged, and they’d all just become… one big ole found family. A space family. A big ole found space family. And the Overview Effect would also play a part. This is kind of on the back burner, this’ll need lots of research and the Home front fic also needs a lot of it, so I’ll try to.. write that first, I guess? We’ll see.

So that’s all my WIPs. There are other fic ideas that I haven’t put much thought into yet so they’re not on the list, but yeah!

8. Do you have any writing buddies or critique partners?

I don’t have any one person who I’ve talked to about all of my stories, but I have discussed my stories with a few people! Both online and irl. I’m also on a couple discord servers that are for writing or where people talk about writing, even though for the most part I’m too shy to talk much on any of them ;u; But the people who’ve been awesome enough to listen to me ramble about my stories have helped me a lot!

12. Which story of yours do you like best? Why?

Aaaa, don’t make me choose between my children! ;__; I love them all,,,

Well, I am very fond of TT, since it’s my own original story and I’ve worked on it the longest… Then again, the Kingdom AU has a lovely aesthetic and those two pining idiots in it… But also, that BNHA fic has some really nice plot and character moments? But also I’ve spent so long researching for the Home front fic and it’s got my boys in it! And the atmosphere in it is so nice, and it has found family,,, But then also… Space??? And even the fantasy fanfic has the Asshole Goddess in it?? And a nice storyline with Liech?? See I can’t choose ;_;

To be fair, the story my dumb brain takes interest in changes every now and then, for example lately I’ve been mostly thinking about TT, the Kingdom AU and the Home front fic, so I guess those would be my favorites at the moment? But a couple weeks ago I was really into the Space Fic, and at the start of the year it was the BNHA fic. So it depends! But I do love them all.

52. Who do you write for?

Well, primarily probably for myself. I do often find myself in a situation where I’m looking for fics or books to read but none of them really click, and then I realize I’m looking for my own story. Which I haven’t written. So that’s definitely a big one! Then, to some extent, I also write for the people I’ve rambled about my fics to, so they might maybe someday get to experience the whole thing through something other than just my ramblings :’D But mostly for myself, I think.

Thanks for the ask again and sorry for taking so long!

[chronicallypainful]

It turns out my advisor lets out her inner ableism when stressed

I'm going to write about some events that happened between my advisor and I about a month ago. Thinking about some of this is still pretty stressful for me, but I do think that writing will help the process some of what happened. Also, if the following makes absolutely no sense, you now know why. I feel extremely betrayed. I had trusted my advisor. I had thought that she understood and respected my limitations and my boundaries. Apparently I was wrong.

Though I could sense a growing tension in our relationship for months beforehand, the first issue came directly after my thesis proposal defense. This is a step of the PhD process where you write a document outlining the research steps you intend to take in the questions you intend to answer. You then present this plan to a committee and have to answer their questions.

I passed my defense. I was able to answer all of the technical questions from committee members, and my written proposal was also approved.

I'd been working hard on my proposal for nearly a year. I was technically "late" in defending my proposal, but I was officially granted an extension due to my disability and other health circumstances. Just to lay some of those out for you: -I was diagnosed with sleep apnea in February of my first year in the program. This means that I literally slept through most of my first year courses. I then had to take comprehensive exams over the material, which meant that I spent my first summer studying frantically. I did pass the exams, but I did not have time in that first year to begin a research project. -I can't type without excruciating pain! I do use other tools like speech to text and eye gaze, but these are much slower than typing. -I have a limited capacity to write by hand before I develop excruciating pain. -I'm extremely sensitive to uncomfortable furniture and generally need ergonomic tools in order to even sit at a computer monitor or read a textbook.

The list goes on, but you get the idea.

Therefore, completing my proposal, even a few months later than officially required, was a big accomplishment!

Additionally, I had worked through a lot of pain to achieve this.  Some of that pain was caused by the necessary work.  I thought I deserved some credit and some space to rest.

When I met with my advisor two days after my proposal defense, her feedback for me was "I really wish you had gotten this done six months ago."

She told me that, basically, she thought I had just been procrastinating for the past six months. Nevermind that it took me about two months to tackle the task of literally writing the proposal, at least a month to make the 2 figures that were included, and many months to read all of the necessary background literature. Also, nevermind the fact that I had actually asked her to read a draft of my proposal the previous summer, which she never found the time to do. Oh, and I suppose we should also conveniently forget about the multiple of the research projects I was involved with, the fact that I was helping a postdoc get up to speed with the technology we used in the group, and the administrative work I was doing documenting the various software tools we used in the group.

Her read on the situation was that I was anxious (true), didn't want to do the proposal (actually false), and had therefore chosen to simply procrastinate (clearly false).

This probably should've been a big red flag.

But I carried on working with her. And then we had a series of meetings in May. I'm not going to attempt to cover everything that happened in those meetings, but I am going to pull some highlights.

The first of these meetings occurred on a day when I was already in a bad mental health place. In the report that I write before each meeting, I included a note stating that I was in a bad mental health place and would prefer to have a very brief meeting. The way I wrote this note, I intended to imply that I would prefer that she just signed the paper I needed her to sign and then let me go home and take care of myself. Though I did not say that explicitly.

My advisor did not respect my wishes for a short meeting. Instead, she dove face first into discussion of a project that was currently stressing her out. In retrospect, I wish I had enforced my boundary more strongly and informed her that I needed to leave. But I didn't do that.

We discussed the grant that was funding my RAship. We had never discussed this before, and I actually didn't even know which granted was that was funding me. But I learned that I had not been contributing much to the specific projects funded by that grant, and my advisor was upset about it. She treated this as if it was my fault, even though I did not have the necessary information.

She really wanted me to finish this one particular project that had been started by a previous student. Working on this project would require a lot of time at the computer, and I wanted to prioritize working on a current paper I'm writing in my limited computer time. When I told her this, and shared that I did not think the deadlines she had posed were realistic given my limited capacity to use a computer, she got very angry. She told me how my limitations were very frustrating to her. Her exact words: "There is always a reason why you can't do what I ask you to do."

I thought she understood that I had limitations and was okay with that. Apparently not. Apparently my limitations were simply not okay with her and she was taking it out on me.

Later in our conversation, she said something else to me that set off alarm bells: "You really need to have a more can-do attitude."

She was referring to the many tasks that I do struggle to complete and tell her should probably be delegated to somebody else. The implication is that I should find some new assistive technology or assistance. I do believe that she legitimately does not know how difficult this can be. And I know she does not understand the degree to which resources simply do not exist.

But, in the face of this, I don't need to work on having a can-do attitude. I already have a can-do attitude. I had to invent my own system to make it possible to write math using speech to text software. I've found hundreds of little modifications or hacks to help me with household tasks. I navigated the world of assistive technology with no professional help. I figured out mobility aids with no professional help. I was told by many well-meaning authority figures that I should pick an easier major than mathematics, given the limitations of my disability. I ignored them, earned a bachelors degree in mathematics, and went to grad school.

Saying that I need a can-do attitude reveals how little my advisor understands about the real struggles of disability, and it's also frankly offensive.

She accused me of not contributing to group projects (which is just false). She implied that I was lazy. She expressed resentment over the fact that her grant had been funding me. She again brought up my proposal and how she wished I had completed it sooner. Regarding my anxiety, she told me that I needed to "grow up."

The stress and anxiety from these meetings was making me physically sick. At times, I was unable to eat because I was nauseous. I was holding a lot of tension in my muscles, leading to increased pain. I was struggling to sleep.

I've had enough experience with my health to know that I couldn't let this go on. I went to a couple of other professors in my department to let them know what was going on. As a "crisis management" solution, they were able to find another funding source for me for the summer, and I have been working on a collaboration with a different professor.

These interactions marked a clear downturn in my mental health. Since then, I've primarily been focusing on trying to rebuild my mental health. I'm seeing a therapist who I really like, and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It's hard, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

It's not yet official, but, in the weeks since these incidents, I realized that I needed a new advisor. The unreasonable expectations of my advisor had crept into my brain and are still contributing significantly to my anxiety. I won't be able to completely avoid interacting with her, but I am convinced that I will not allow her to continue to have official authority over me.

I do need to figure out who I would like to advise me instead. There are a couple of logical candidates, one of which I like (but I'm not sure if he's currently taking students), and another one who makes me a little uncomfortable (but I know she has an opening for a new student). I will be talking with people over the next few weeks and working out my next steps academically.

But my main focus will stay on my mental health. It is better than it was, but still feels precarious. The psychiatrist I saw did increase the dose of my antidepressant (which I was already taking for pain). I'm hoping it will help, but it's too soon to say. In the meantime, I'm focusing on one day at a time.

[wonderlustlucas]

saccharine - lee donghyuck

⇢ prompt “This is the only special part so far.” ⇢ pairing haechan x female reader ⇢ word count 2.1k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings none ⇢ summary One thing on top of another leads to one Hell of an emotional week. Luckily, the birthday boy with the sun under his skin and a passion when it comes to cinnamon buns is there to save the day.—highschool!au ⇢ a/n idrk what this is,,,,it started as one thing and ended as another BUT ITS OK cuz im so happy with this, i uwu, v cute, its kind of dramatic??and depressing??at first?? but low key relatable so UHHHHH enjoy! happy 18th birthday lee donghyuck ❥

The balance on which your patience and sanity sit on is far too close to teetering off the edge; one minuscule blow and off you will tumble, falling down into a hole of desperation and depression that only breakdowns and napping and pints of ice-cream can fix.

It’s simply an amalgamation of factors that will lead to your potential breakdown, a multitude of unlucky combinations that, in accordance with the universe, lunge upon you all at once. And while life could be much, much worse, it’s the overwhelming panic and desolation that makes it so unbearable.

The first, the least stressful but nonetheless one that has you sitting in bed at night on the brink of tears, is the reality that after a whole four years, one thousand four hundred and sixty days, high school would be over. All the set routines, all the unforgettable memories—all of it, cut off with a signed piece of paper and a handshake.

The second: your ex-boyfriend has someone new. While the breakup was months ago, a lengthy amount of time that allowed for the hopelessness and betrayal to finally diminish until you were back on your feet again, enjoying the life of not being tied down and being able to hook up with anyone you damned please, it hurts. It’s an odd sting, a wrenching in your heart that he has found someone else and you haven’t, a dull ache no matter how hard you convince yourself that you don’t care.

The third element to your disastrous undoing, one that every student faces and dreads: exams. You’re smart, undeniably smart, and that’s what makes exams all the more stressful. The honest-to-goodness want and need to do well, combined with the consequences of procrastination make for a week full of rushed studying and ‘I’ll be fine’s, followed by a two hundred question test slapped in your face at seven in the morning that only partially makes sense.

And the icing on the cake: you are premenstrual. It’s the final blow that makes your closing week of school so atrocious, one that heightens the sadness of this is it for school, the grief of a long ago broken heart, and the monstrous stress of finals. A voice in the back of your head always bitching, bubbling over in your mind that absolutely everything and everyone has to get on your nerves, topped with the undeniable horniness constantly aching in your brain and abdomen along with the wavering self-doubt, euphoria, despair, and irritability.

And even after the last day of school, the final exam, the cheering as you exit the building you’ve been a prisoner in for the past four years, the realization that it’s over, you still are in the grip of a silent panic, an unstoppable snowball fight in the pit of your stomach.

It’s an awkward time of the day once you arrive home from school for the last time, too late to make last minute plans but too early to crash no matter how much your heart calls you to.

Instead, you make a hasty decision to head back out even after you have changed into sweats, opting for a happy middle ground rather than choosing one and ending up disappointed. Off to the bakery you go, driving into the quieter part of town in impassive quietness and staring up at the baby blue sky.

It’s comforting in a strange sort of way, the soporific shade bringing a sense of luxury and serenity like warm milk and honey. However, all good things must come to an end, you realize after you park, abruptly exiting the car and slamming the door closed before making your way up onto the sidewalk.

Like a ghost in a world full of paper dolls you enter the bakery huddled between the bank and antique shop, a place where air is more delicious than any flavor and mouth-watering displays cause more regret than any drunken party ever could.

The cinnamon buns just so happen to be like your Achilles tendon; at the sight of one you’d stop dead in your tracks, the damned things are your nemesis and elixir all in one and there’s simply no denying a decadent treat like this on such a forlorn day.

Upon entering the bakery, you let out a mesmerized sigh at the beckoning aroma of fresh baked cookies and cakes and pastries and you hardly feel a hint of embarrassment when your stomach growls instantaneously. The impending hollow sadness quickly vanishes and is replaced with the sudden sense of tranquility. Finally, you think, stepping up to stand behind a young girl finishing her order, things can only get better from here.

However, just as you’re drilling optimistic thoughts into the confines of your brain, a customer with a dash too much pep in his step bursts through the door from behind you and, astoundingly, cuts in front of your spot with not even an ‘Excuse me.’

You’re flabbergasted, to say the least, sparks in your brain, desperately trying to connect the dots and instead just causing a short circuit. And suddenly you are underwater—everything is slow and warbled and you’re left unable to speak as the culprit has the audacity to move up in line and place his order as if nothing had ever happened.

And with a force like water bursting forth from a dam, brick by brick the walls come tumbling down, tears spilling down your face, struggling to breathe, you turn with a trembling chin to look toward the window, clawing for some sort of comfort in the light outdoors. However, the bustling of customers around you cannot mask the hushed sobs that shake your body, and no matter how furiously you wipe the tears from your cheeks or suck in air to calm your lungs, nothing can hide the fact that you are standing in the middle of a bakery weeping.

“Shit, that was not supposed to happen.”

The gentlest of hands grasping your own pauses your public breakdown, and for a split second, you jerk away from the tender touch until, no matter how hard it is to do so, you glance up.

“Donghyuck,” you hiccup upon recognition, “what’re you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? I should be asking you that,” Donghyuck chortles, “I went to buy you a cinnamon bun and then you started sobbing.”

Oh.

“You didn’t—you never,” you groan, “why didn’t you say hi first instead of cutting in front of me like an idiot?” You grumble, retracting your hands to messily rub away the remaining wet streaks down your cheeks, grossly heaving in oxygen and blinking out a few more tears. “I thought it would be cute and spontaneous, and then you turned to shit,” the tanned boy retorts, turning momentarily to grab the bag coasted across the counter to him before, suddenly, intertwining his fingers with yours and dragging you to a free table.

“So, why’d you go all batshit back there?” Donghyuck asks, rosy heart-shaped lips tugging up into a soft smirk even as he sits you down in the booth and takes a seat across from you. It’s dangerous, you realize; the mocking lilt to his voice paired with kindness that is more than out of place, and, of course, his overall handsomeness. From golden skin, warmer than any sunset you’ve seen, disheveled auburn hair dipping into black eyes with irises shimmering with all the stars in the night sky, cherry red lips that allow one-too-many smartassed words slip by. Lee Donghyuck is truly an enigma.

"Why’d you buy me a cinnamon bun?” You retort finally, reaching for the bag and tearing it open, eager for the delight inside. Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “Answer my question first.”

Stubborn. “I’ve had a rough week, and that was just the cherry on top,” you tell him truthfully, “also, how’d you know I was here?”

“One question at a time, tiger.” Snotty. “I didn’t follow you, you’re not that special, although I did see you walk in here with the most miserable look I may have ever seen and thought, ‘Hey, now’s a good time to rekindle what I had with the girl I’ve been crushing on since she dropped me for some fuckface baseball player sophomore year.’“

You blink once and then again, pausing your attack on the first bite of dessert to look up at Donghyuck. Candid. Processing his words, you stare at him blankly, his lips pouted into a smirk once more, “I did not drop you.”

“Babe, you definitely did.” A flirt.

“You’re the one that told all your friends I was a bitch!”

“God, ___, it was a joke. Ever heard of one of those?” Rude. “Can you just shut up and let me eat my cinnamon bun?” You grumble, peeling off a chunk, cinnamon glaze sliding under your nail.

“Technically it’s mine, but fine,” he chuckles, grinning devilishly as you pop the bit into your mouth, a hypnotized sigh escapes your lips and suddenly the golden boy isn’t so wicked. “Fine, I was a baby back then, I’ll admit it. However, if you’re trying to get me to fall for you again, this whole mocking me when I’m emotionally unstable isn’t gonna do it for you.”

Donghyuck processes your words, squinting as you go on with your feast, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning into the wooden table, “Why was this a rough week?”

“Well, let’s see,” you sigh, counting your fingers, “high school is over and university is going to be stressful, fuckface baseball player has a new girlfriend, exams made me lose brain cells, and my period is coming soon so I want to die.”

“That doesn’t sound fun,” he comments, tearing a piece of the cinnamon bun off and you glare at him. “It’s not.”

“At least you have a cinnamon bun now,” beams Donghyuck, kicking your shins under the table and you groan. Childish. Licking your fingers clean you check your phone, glancing at the time and catching the date by chance. Then, “Isn’t today your birthday?”

“You remember?” He asks and your heart lurches at the innocent cloud that passes his features. You nod slowly, returning his smile, “Happy birthday, then.” Donghyuck‘s cheeks flush the faintest shade of coral and at the heat rising upon your own you turn away, clearing your throat and munching on another piece. Angelic.

“Anyway,” you cough, “how’s your birthday been so far? Any plans?”

Donghyuck shrugs, “None yet, just dinner with my family and I’ll probably hang with the boys tomorrow. This is the only special part so far.”

“Oh,” you quip, frantically searching for a spot to look at and settling on a grey pigeon outside, pecking viciously at whatever is on the pavement, “that’s good.” Glancing back to the cinnamon bun, mouth watering at the gooey center, you force the temptation back, “You can have that.”

His eyes light up. “Really?” You nod, laughing, watching joyfully as he instantly snatches the last bit up and shoves it into his mouth. “Fuck, man, that was good, thank you,” Donghyuck rambles, wiping the frosting from his fingers and reaching for your hands.

“So,” he sighs, nestling his hands into your own and squeezing them, “in all seriousness, since we’re going to the same school and all, could we maybe... try the whole dating thing again?” Determined.

Donghyuck grimaces, a fault you never thought you would ever see cross his face, for doubt simply did not exist in his life and here it is, spread out in front of you and your response is the next move in this game of chess. “Hyuck,” you chuckle softly, gliding your thumb across his palm, “I’d be dumber than dumb if I let you get away. Of course I want to try it again.”

“Really?” He squeals, you nod and he clutches you fingers once more. “That’s a relief, I was starting to worry I royally fucked up.” Entertaining.

You laugh again, eyeing him as he slides from the booth and throws out the bag before returning before you. “You certainly did not fuck up, you just made me happy for like, the first time in a week.” You follow him out, walking by his side to your car and squinting past the blinding streaks from the sunset, mesmerized by the melanin of his skin that suddenly seems to glow in the sunlight, reaching for his arm and curling your hand around his bicep. Breathtaking.

“Well, this was good,” Donghyuck gleams, a lighthouse shining out across the sea, pausing in front of the car, “I’ll call you soon?” A gentleman. “Okay,” you sigh blissfully, “I’ll be waiting by the phone.”

He kisses you too quickly, a rushed brush of his lips and then it’s gone with the wind; you have to tug him back, pulling him flush against your form, whispering a “Happy birthday,” because God, your week just got so much better and he’s just too sweet.

[igotmysteriousmessages]

Mystic Messenger characters with a College Student!MC that gets stressed during exam season

Yoosung

It’s great and it sucks at the same time.

He is trying really hard to get his life together so since your exams are usually around the same periods as his; he’ll propose to schedule study dates.

He takes care of always having food and coffee ready.

He makes sure you take care of yourself while studying, also he is very supportive…but with both of you being college students when one gets in depressive mode the other would usually follow suit…also procrastination is a big issue.

Your first study session is at his place but after 1 or 2 hours you both get really distracted and start doing a bunch of other stuff that can go from playing lolol to cleaning the house.

After that you decide to go to the library where there is less distractions… you still end up talking about a bunch of stuff totally unrelated to your study subject. When it happens you usually decide it´s time to go home

He actually studies really hard when he is with you so you try to do the same.

After exams season you two have a proper date as celebration.

Zen

Let’s be honest…he is not that helpful but he cheers you up a lot.

He can’t help you study and he gets very lonely since you can’t pay attention to him but he is supportive as hell!! He is like your own personal cheerleader.

He brings his scripts to practice while you study. That way neither of you would feel lonely nor be distracted.

He makes sure you take breaks though…he might have a monstrous amount of stamina but you need rest to do well in your exams.

He won’t let you get depressed…if you so much start to feel unable to do it, frustrated or stupid he would immediately shower you in praises.

After exams are over he is so proud of you because you are so smart and did such a great effort; also he is happy because now he can give you all the love and attention he couldn’t during exams.

Jaehee

She wants to help you in everything she can…but also she doesn’t want to become a source of stress to you by being too invested in your studies….also she has a business to run.

She puts a desk on the back of the café so you can study between shifts and she can check on you frequently.

She asks before doing anything “Do you want some coffee?” “I had to study that when I was at college, so you can ask me if it gets hard” “You look stressed out, why don’t you take a break?”

If you are feeling particularly stressed and you just need to complain she would totally hear you out for as long as you need.

So much encouragement!!! You were there for her when she needed it so now she will do the same for you

After exams season is over she is closing or getting someone to take care of the café for a day or two and you too are having a mini vacation.

Jumin

He has no idea of what to do for you

He always had his life completely scheduled and probably went through college like it was no big deal so when he sees you struggling he is dead worried.

He makes sure all your needs are taken care off so you can focus on studying.  He also offers to get you private lessons on any subject that might be difficult to you but if you refuse he won’t insist.

If you don’t tell him you need emotional support he probably won’t know but if you do tell him he´ll brings Elizabeth the 3rd to the room and tell you that petting her always lifts his mood so you should try it too.

It’s actually really helpful so you get used to study with Elizabeth sleeping in your lap.

He also makes sure to remind you how special you are to him and how much he loves you regardless of what happens with your exams.

After the exams he is the same as Zen. He is very very proud of you but also very very happy that you can now spend more time with him.

Saeyoung

He is the worst at this (sorry my love)

This guy is a genius…he learned hacking from a book at age 12 like it was no big deal. He graduated early from college…in fact from what we know he could have entered college when he was 13-15 y/o… he doesn’t know what is to struggle with classes. So he doesn’t understand you are having such a hard time.

It breaks his heart to see you struggling though. He even offers to hack in your school servers to get you good grades so you can stop studying… you are not sure if he hears when you say “no”

If you need help with anything he knows about he is ready to help; if he doesn’t know he’ll do his research and I mean literally like:

MC: “When did you become an expert on –subject you are studying-?”

Saeyoung: “Last night”

The problem is his explanations might be a little too technical for you and they’d usually leave you more confused and frustrated than before

Is Saeran who suggest Saeyoung might need to keep his distance from your studying space.

After that he programs your robocat to give you uplifting messages through the day and remind you to eat and take breaks. When you are not studying he is the one who is all over you with praises and encouragements.

After exams season is over it’s time for you two to relax. He’ll do everything you want, no buts, you deserve it, whatever you want you get it….also if your grades are below your expectations he might suggest hacking your school again.

Jihyun

He is actually really helpful… he might not gone through the stress you are feeling but he knows a whole lot about what to do in those cases….also his patience is a gift.

You want to complain? He can hear you out; You need reassurance? He is there for you; You need somebody to hear you ramble about the subject you are studying even though they might not understand? He can do it.

He makes sure to remind you how capable and amazing you are but also knows you need your space. He probably would be painting in the next room and tells you to call him whatever you need.

And whatever you need means whatever you need, like if it’s 3 am and you are super stressed out and you want candy he is getting you candy… though he might try to convince you to sleep first.

If your major is something related to his abilities he tries to help and is actually a wonderful professor…if it’s not he’ll try to encourage you to keep trying and if it gets to hard he’ll suggest getting help either from a friend, classmate or private tutor… he might remind you that you were the one to tell him it’s ok to ask for help.

He gets really worried about your health. He makes you healthy food rich in energy so you can focus and he also makes sure you do make time to eat instead of doing while studying. Also he’ll do his best to convince you of the importance of sleeping.

After exams season is over you two have a lazy day in which you wake up late and stay home in your pajamas all day.

Saeran

He kind of knows what to do but also doesn’t know what to do.

Like his brother he can learn anything in a fortnight like it’s no big deal so he has problems putting himself in your shoes but he does know what is like to feel powerless, frustrated and tired because you did your best effort and it still wasn’t enough and it break his heart to see you like this… but what can he do about it?

He has a lot of problems expressing his feelings but he does his best to make you know how smart and awesome he thinks you are and how proud he is of you during the whole exams period.

He is also worried you are doing the same unhealthy stuff he would do at mint eye (minus the elixir part of course) but he feels it would be hypocrite of him to tell you to go to sleep or eat so he’ll make comments like “I’m getting sleepy…are you coming?” if you say yes he’ll be happy; if you say no he’ll come back in 1-2 hours to check on you, he might also bring a blanket in case you fell asleep on the desk.

He is also the kind of guy to leave little rewards for you around your desk when you are not looking. A little chocolate over your text book, a random cup of ice-cream that wasn’t there before you went to the bathroom, a package of gummy bears.  His MC has been doing a great effort, they deserve it.

Flowers…he definitely is “casually….totally not intentionally” putting a flower vase on the same room you are studying in and filling it with flowers that symbolize “good luck”, “success”, “happyness”, “calm”…everything you might need in that period. Also your study room smells so nice.

He probably won’t offer you help but will help if you ask him to

He misses your attention but he would try to not hang out around you so much to avoid distracting you.

After your last exam he picks you up and takes you for ice-cream and a walk around the park/beach/city whichever you prefer; he just wants to be outside and with you.

[vtruq]

My biggest breakdown since 2018; Looking from the mountain to the valley, 23.12.2020

A lot has been happening. I ended the contact to Arik after realizing that I am not “myself” and that I am acting opportunistically. This combined with assignments in uni that triggered the feeling of being incapable to solve technical problems pulled me down. I felt lonely and very insecure. Now, 2 weeks later the exam period is over and I sit firmly in the saddle again. However, during the time I wrote down many thoughts and it would be a waste not to document them here. The core learnings are: Thoughts and also work ALWAYS take up the space I give them. So I rather want to be decisive about how much I think about things. Especially because this takes me out of the situation and makes me overthink. Also, it shows me that I do not trust my intuition/ my gut feeling. And trusting exactly that is something I want to do more. I want to do things because I feel them, whether it is meeting people, sexual encounters, partying, work or something else. I do not want to talk myself into it. Listening to myself, I also want to avoid being talked into things. The process that needs to start now more than ever is that of “building my own agenda”. Meaning that I follow interests and spend my time with people who give me energy, being myself and accepting who I am, what I can and what I can´t do. Doing that I also want to maintain flexibility in my schedule to be open for spontaneous events. As mentioned many times before, I got to love the story of my life that I can tell. Not 5 or 10 years from now; rather EVERY MOMENT. Only that way I avoid being burned out. Overcoming things to me means to be able to think and talk about it horizontally and not vertically. I do not want to think about another guy or whatever. I want to be happy and busy with my own life. So much that I am more resilient... Being able to sit down and write this post for 2 hours shows me how privileged I am since I can give so much thought to these things. I am happy to be able to give these things mental space to process them and at the same time, I know how privileged I am and that I am over things. “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.” “With effort and dedication, one can improve life.” Without further redo, here are the thoughts that crossed my mind during my lowest low... 

When I meet a girl that I think is super attractive and cool, it can trigger feelings of inferiority in me. Which shows me that I am not confident/ completely satisfied with my life. So again; something I should change when it comes to my agenda. “Your vibe makes your tribe” I do not want to think too much, I want to feel things. I am happy for every moment and I am happy if I can share nice moments in my own life (=moment I create) with someone. But if something feels bad I want to talk about it and have the courage to turn a “great offer down”.

Don´t be scared to say “no” when the vibe is not there Also with Arik, we had different intentions. She just wanted a good time. And I wanted a good time with a girlfriend/ in a relationship.

Don´t bend yourself for someone Bending/ over-exhaustion leads to breaking in the long run. This is me; I am who I am. I am ok – you are ok. Confidence in me, the projects I love and I am working on and this process will lead me to the “right” people and the “right” partner. The moment I am fine with myself, I do not lay too much in the partnership. At that moment I have a harbour of safety in myself, the hobbies I execute and the friends that surround me. And the partner is then just the cherry on top of the cake that is my life.

Love is not a work project It should be authentic and real and honest in every single moment. Honest to oneself and honest to the partner. What leads me to the confidence to speak about this is my gut feeling.

Trust the gut feeling; you already know what feels right! It does not matter if it is love, work, friends, hobbies, projects or whatever. It is funny how I had a gut feeling when we are kids but somehow I weight thinks like “prestige” higher when it comes to decisions. However, now I am happily starting the process of listening to my gut feeling again. And when something does not feel good: watch it, speak about it to solve it or even end the relationship that causes the bad feeling if it does not get better over time. And that needs confidence.

Have confidence in yourself! I do not want to compare myself to others with grades or anything like that. I want to be happy with myself and the output I create in whatever form it may be. However, Arik triggered feelings of inferiority and changed my self-perception, since she found “Harvard” and “McKinsey” titles attractive and I “did not make it there” (never applied). I have to stay honest and self-aware when such tendencies arise. Similarly, feelings of envy or jealousy to not be invited etc. Only arise when I am not happy with my own agenda. On the same note, to girls, I really want it is hard for me to admit that I am just not good at hands-on / trying out. I am in a way ashamed. However, that's how I work so far. It will get better with less overthinking. Still, also to girls, I want to stay in a “leader/learner” mindset and say; I don´t know, but let's find out.

Don´t be so invested I need to accept my vulnerability. Confidence implies being able to be not sovereign. I think the reason I am so invested in that I think “amazing, finally, something is happening in my life! Let's maintain that because that's how I like it at any cost. Let's maintain it and go beyond what my current energy level is so that in the future I can rely on this person/ circle of people. And that is exactly the implicit pitfall I fell in a couple of weeks ago when I felt “moody” and the pitfall I fell in when it came to Arik. Another string of thought on this: I tend to extrapolate my feelings into the other person. Think about this: If I really meant that much to her, she would have searched the contact to me after I ended it, right?

Find peace On the note of “don´t be so invested”. A partner and also friends can always be on top of an amazing life. But they should never fill up to much room mentally and timewise in a sense that I rely on them to have a good time myself. I need and I want to be happy with myself. I want to find balance and keep trying out new things.

Be yourself From time to time I feel low. No matter where I am. To some extend, I can learn how to handle this “moodiness”. But I also need a partner with whom I can be weak. A partner where I do not have the feeling that I need to show off. I am at a stage where not everything is figured out and perfect. I do not want a partner that provokes feelings where I talk myself down. I want to feel comfortable and be strong. I am a social being and I will still be super excited when I meet super cool people cause this does not happen every day. However, it once again goes back to “love the story I can tell”. I want to fill my life with people and activities I love. For me, this means hobbies that are fun and that need my full attention. Sports such as surfing, basketball etc. Another thought on this: I learn to live right now. Like with food, I need to get better at dispensing good stuff. For now, I tend to do “too much” since apparently, I have been craving good things happening for ages. I need to learn how to channel things, how not to throw things together that are individually cool but do not make sense in combination.

Be confident in yourself, even while exploring things I am bad at I have confidence in my way of working. However, to avoid frustration and a downwards spiral, I want to ask for help earlier in coding projects. Just accepting that others are better in that area and knowing that – especially in stressful situations – I have a tendency to give up to fast if I do not have the feeling of the capability to handle it and if things do not work for more than an hour. If things get too stressful I tend to throw them away. I need people who can help me to fix and overcome things to avoid it. And I need to listen to my gut feeling to escape this vicious cycles and the mental downward spiral early enough. Since I need to structure to understand, things take more time. I am not a fast learner but a good understander...

Chooses the right culture I hate procrastination. Since work always takes up the space one gives to it, I want to keep work time-limited and more emphasis on my own private life, things that make me happy and hence my mental wellbeing. I either want to work or turn my head off and to stuff I enjoy because I commit time and not as a compromise! Again: Ownership for my own life. Frustration and being exhausted from everything should never we the default mode. High on life should be it! Happy for every day!

Red flag for the future: I should take a timeout if I realise myself doing any of those things listed now:

If I do not look in a person's eyes during speaking because I am exhausted.

If I just say “yeah” instead of asking proper follow up questions.

If I find myself laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking about redundant stuff.

If I am jealous of someone.

If I have this feeling of stress in my chest when someone says something that triggers me.

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[poorlilbeans]

y’all already know what this is. (part 8)

lmao motherfuckin finally. this author is so slow amirite wow who are they

           “Addressing any concerns regarding my recent fall and inactivity online: First of all, thank you all for your concern and kind messages. Yes, my ankle is broken. No, the season isn’t over for me. Thankfully, it is only a minor fracture, and I intend to be back on the ice within a few weeks. As for everything else: Yes, I am dealing with some health issues at the moment. I have been mostly bedridden for the past two weeks since my last competition, having been diagnosed with an undifferentiated autoimmune disease. (Not contagious, so don’t worry, fellow competitors <3) I don’t know when I’ll be back to full health, but as aforementioned, it is absolutely my goal to continue with the season as planned. This is a setback for sure, but not the end of my career. (And no, I’m not on drugs, @sportscelebgossip. Yes, I saw that article.)”

“Good caption,” Victor confirmed. Yuuri drew in a deep breath as he hit post and immediately shoved his phone under his pillow. “Good, it’s done,” Victor reassured. “You don’t have to worry about it anymore. Ready for the journal?”

“I just realized the anglicized version of my name rhymes with worry,” Yuuri said, blatantly ignoring the question. “How accurate is that?”

“Yuuri…”

“Yeah. Yuuri. Worry.”

“Stop procrastinating. It’s not going to work.”  Yuuri sighed heavily.

“I hate the journal,” he grumped. “Let’s just talk about English words some more. Hurry also rhymes.”

“Then let’s hurry and get this done so you can stop being a child about it. First is temperature. Open up.” Resigned, Yuuri stuck the thermometer in his mouth, giving the journal the Dirty Look to End All Dirty Looks until it beeped.

“38.2,” Victor murmured, writing it down. “And you were over 39 three times today. Just one seizure… about 110 seconds… Okay, how many barfs were there?”

“Three.”

“Okay, that’s better, right? That’s one less than yesterday. Blood?”

“Yes. Not much, though. Just streaks.” Realizing what question was coming next, Yuuri pulled his blanket up over his face stubbornly. Victor sighed.

“Don’t do that. You’re just making the journal take even longer.” There was no answer. “Just a one word answer. How many bowel movements?” After several seconds of silence, the blanket whispered,

“Five and a half.”

“Five and a half? How the hell does that work?”

“Because- never mind. Six. Just put six.”

“Fine. Blood?”

“Yeah.”

“Any coughing fits today?”

“One bad one, one not-so-bad one.”

“Okay. Joint pain throughout the day. One is none, ten is the worst pain ever.”

“Six? But like seven or eight when I move? But then sometimes it’s like five when I have the hot packs,” Yuuri rambled, still under the blanket.

“I’ll just write six and a half, like yesterday. Last one is general, just how you feel. One is take me back to the hospital right now and ten is take me back to the rink right now.”

“That sounds biased.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Fine. Like, four, I guess. Today was pretty okay.”

“Four,” Victor whispered as he wrote. “Okay, we’re done. See how easy that was?”

“No,” Yuuri answered stubbornly. Victor slipped the journal in the drawer of the nightstand (out of sight, out of mind) and hugged the blanket, knowing Yuuri was hiding in there somewhere. Truthfully, Victor hated the journal too, but not for the same reason. Yuuri found it embarrassing to document how awful he felt every night; especially since he was so prone to being incredibly private when it came to illness. He was a master of hiding packs of tissues in his sleeve when he had a cold, or escaping social situations when he needed to cough. With this, though, there was no being private. He had to record every gross thing that happened and relay it to the doctors at the next appointment, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to convince himself that everyone who knew what was going on with his health wasn’t disgusted. Meanwhile, Victor hated the journal for how it put into perspective how bad things were. Even while he was almost always home taking care of him, Yuuri still managed to hide things. In the past couple of days he had gained back enough strength to sometimes hobble around alone on his crutches, which gave him the freedom to keep things secret. He’d started taking frequent showers, playing loud American rock music to drown out the sounds of coughing, retching, or using the washroom. The journal was getting increasingly frustrating as Victor discovered more and more things that had flown over his head throughout the day. It terrified him that Yuuri might start trying to hide seizures as well, which could put him in serious danger.

Tired of cuddling a faceless blanket-lump, Victor burrowed under the thick comforter until his nose was touching Yuuri’s.

“You shouldn’t hide under the blankets. It’s not good for your fever.” It was hard to tell under the dark blanket, but he was pretty sure Yuuri rolled his eyes before scooting away from him. That was a bad plan, though, and he ended up scooting right off the bed, yelping as he hit the floor with a thud. Victor threw the blanket off of himself and scrambled to the floor where Yuuri was in a little heap, his shoulders jumping.

“Shit! Are you okay? Are you crying? Look at me!” he cried frantically, grasping Yuuri’s arm.

“I’m laughing, Vitya,” he answered, sitting up slowly to reveal a sheepish smile. “What happened to your sense of humour?” Victor breathed a sigh of relief before replying,

“I think it got worried for a second there. You didn’t jar your ankle, did you?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. It was funny. Remember that? Funny? Can we please talk about something other than my ankle and my… you know, my everything else?” Victor sighed, forcing himself not to scoop Yuuri up and put him back in bed, instead offering him a hand. With a little help, Yuuri stood on his good foot and climbed into bed, looking at him expectantly.

“Of course. Sorry,” Victor said finally, crawling back into bed beside him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Literally anything,” Yuuri breathed. “Watching paint dry. Math exams. American politics.”

“Getting married in Japan,” Victor blurted out. Had he really said that out loud? In the back of his mind, he knew it was foolish to be embarrassed about talking about wedding fantasies when you’re already engaged, but still. He felt heat rise to his cheeks and idly wondered if he was more flushed than Yuuri. There was a moment of heavy silence before Yuuri grabbed Victor’s face and kissed him. Hard. Harder than he had since this whole mess had started. Maybe harder than he ever had.

 Yuuri wished he could kiss him for longer, but his lungs began to burn after only a few seconds. He didn’t tell Victor that. He didn’t mention how much his body hurt from the simple effort of pulling him in for the kiss in the first place, or how his ankle was actually throbbing from falling off the bed. None of that mattered at the moment, because Victor wanted to get married in Japan. Yuuri had never even considered the possibility of someone wanting to marry him, ever. Maybe as a young child it had crossed his mind- the beautiful idea of a wedding on that lovely cliff near the onsen- in the spring, maybe, when it would be raining cherry blossom petals. At some point in college it had suddenly occurred to him that that dream had died around the time he met Nishigori, but he wasn’t upset about that. He had never missed the fantasy, exactly, but now it was suddenly back in his mind and it was oddly wonderful. Thoughts of kissing under the cherry blossoms, looking out over the Hasetsu cityscape with someone else, walking along the beach holding hands with Victor, his husband, all raced through his head in the space of less than a second. He knew he should say something, but the emotion was so overwhelming he didn’t know what he would do if he allowed himself to snap out of this trance. Finally, the emotions bubbled over, and before he could stop himself, he blurted out a laugh. Victor flushed crimson, looking horribly embarrassed for some reason, and Yuuri couldn’t correct him because he was just too happy, happier than he’d probably thought he could ever be, and all his language abilities flew out of him with a giddy whoosh.

“I’m sorry, that was such a weird thing to say- it was so sudden. I just- you have more family than I do, and- like- I know we technically met in Russia but you didn’t remember that and that night didn’t feel real anyway because it was just a party and parties end. But being in Japan was the first time I didn’t feel so alone and I just thought- I’m sorry, I’m just making this more awkward…” Yuuri prepared his weak lungs and interrupted Victor with another kiss, knowing there was something he could be saying, but deciding that just this once, he’d put his own needs first and let himself indulge in the feeling of being overwhelmingly happy. He pulled away for breath frequently, trying to suppress the urge to cough, and kissed as hard as he could until his burning lungs forced him to stop again. When he finally pulled away, he was exhausted, his body begging him to sleep. He pushed it back for just a moment as he searched for something, anything, to say. Finally, dropping his head tiredly and contentedly onto the pillow, he whispered,

“And then we’ll honeymoon somewhere warm.” With that, he fell asleep in his almost-husband’s arms.

He thought things were getting better.

He really did.

He dreamt of weddings and honeymoons for the first half of the night. It was blissful and calm. He woke up a few times, and found himself warm and still in Victor’s arms, and that was enough to lull him back into a contented sleep.

The sun was almost up when things started going downhill.

The dream was of a honeymoon on a beautiful island somewhere. One second he was holding Victor’s hand, looking out over the serene horizon, and the next, he was cold and alone. Dark clouds began rolling over the dream-beach. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was only dreaming, but that wasn’t enough to stop him being terrified as the sun completely disappeared. What had once been the sound of soft waves on the shore became screams. Horrible, bloodcurdling screams echoed in his head. He called out for Victor- he’d been there a moment ago! Where was he? Without the sun the beach was awfully cold; Yuuri could see huge, grotesque goosebumps forming all over his body, distorting it so it looked like he’d been attacked by bees. The screams got louder and louder. They sounded pained and desperate- like the scream of someone being tortured- and Yuuri began to recognize familiar voices in the chorus. Mari was first, but his parents were there too. Then Phichit. Yurio. Where was Victor? He looked around frantically, but all he could see in the dark was a jagged wooden sign that read, “Why did you ruin our honeymoon?” Powerful nausea swirled in Yuuri’s stomach as he did the last thing he could think of: run. He sprinted full force along the beach, but the further he went the less his legs worked. They felt numb, but they somehow hurt at the same time. His running got slower, sloppier. He ran, crying now, until he stumbled across a mangled body. The person was clearly dead; they were bleeding from… well… everywhere, it seemed, and their limbs appeared to be twisted and broken. Yuuri could see slashes across the person’s throat and abdomen, and his mouth fell open in a silent scream as he recognized blood-soaked silvery blond hair and lifeless blue eyes…

“Yuuri? Yuuri! Wake up, please!” Cool hands touched his arms and face. The beach was gone. Where was he? It was soft. He felt heavy blankets on him, but he was freezing. What was that sound? “Yuuri, you’re hyperventilating. You need to calm down.” Oh. He was making that sound. It sounded like the way an angry monster would breathe. Were monsters real? He couldn’t remember. He felt the cool hands come back for a moment, pressing on his cheeks and forehead. Then they left, and suddenly the world started getting even colder, and Yuuri cried out because he was afraid he might be on that beach again. “No, no, it’s okay. It’s just me. I’m moving the blankets because you’re too hot right now. Can you open your eyes for me?” Oh. It hadn’t occurred to Yuuri that his eyes were closed. Maybe if he opened his eyes it wouldn’t be so dark. With a lot of effort he forced his eyelids up. The dim bedside lamp burned, but then Victor’s blue eyes appeared in front of him, not dead, so he didn’t mind. He decided now might be a good time to sit up, because lying down meant sleeping and sleeping meant Victor would be dead on a beach. He wasn’t sure how long he spent trying to sit up, but his muscles burned and he was incredibly dizzy by the time Victor helped him.

“Need a hug,” Yuuri heard himself whisper, before dissolving into panicked tears. Like magic, Victor’s arms wrapped around him, ever so slightly dulling the edge of the painful cold assaulting his body.

“Okay, okay. Hush, it’s alright.  I’m right here,” he heard him whisper. For some reason, that made Yuuri cry harder. At least, something did. Maybe it was the embarrassment. He knew he was embarrassed, although he couldn’t quite remember why. Maybe it was the terror of his nightmare, or his fear of going back to sleep. Maybe it was the blinding, unadulterated pain clenching his body from the inside out. Regardless, Victor’s hands traced up and down his back, along his scalp, and somehow everywhere they could possibly be to comfort him. His face was there too, whispering to him, planting little kisses on his neck and in his hair. It felt like they stayed there forever, but also only for a few seconds before Victor shifted and Yuuri felt something appear under his tongue. A lollipop? Doctors give lollipops when you’re sick, right? Yuuri was pretty sure he was sick. It didn’t taste very good, but he appreciated the gesture anyway. He wouldn’t tell Victor it didn’t taste good. He was just looking up to thank him when the lollipop started screaming at him, and he spat it out, yelping. He heard Victor saying something to the lollipop; he couldn’t tell if it was English or Russian, but he recognized it was swear words. Victor must not have realized the lollipop was angry at first. Understandable.

Then, the warmth disappeared, and through his hazy vision Yuuri could see him floating away, toward the door. Why would he leave him? He couldn’t leave him! Not knowing what else to do, Yuuri felt himself scream, “No!” Victor spun around in shock, rushing back to the bed. His hands appeared in his hair again, which was nice, but not enough to slow the tears that had started anew. Victor was floating above him somewhere, asking what was wrong. He sounded desperate and scared and Yuuri felt a pang of guilt, but immediately couldn’t remember why.

“Don’t leave me,” he sobbed. He heard Victor agree, but he still couldn’t find him, which was frustrating. He wondered whether or not his eyes were open, but he wasn’t sure how to check. Next, he was flying, and for a horrible moment he wondered if he had died- but then, he felt Victor’s breath on his neck and relaxed.  There was a blast of cold air, and then a few moments of painful nothingness. Then he was lying on a hard, cool floor and Victor was wiping something off of his face. Then, he was sitting up again, somewhere soft, talking to his mother. When had she gotten here?

Reality slowly began to fade into his consciousness, and he started to understand what was happening. He was propped up against Victor on the couch, facing a computer screen. Kaasan wasn’t in Russia, she was on the computer screen. Skype? Yeah, skype. With a lot of effort he said hello, having no idea if it came out in Japanese or English. He couldn’t find the energy to care. It was always wonderful talking to Kaasan, but Yuuri found it incredibly impossible to keep up. He faded in and out of the land of the awake as Victor and Kaasan chatted, distress palpable in both of their tones.

 “40.8???” Victor nodded, gazing guiltily at Hiroko’s worried expression. “He needs to be at the hospital, Vicchan!” He sighed.

“I called his doctor, but she said having him here is just the same as having him there. We already have all the meds I can give him.” Truthfully, Victor had seriously considered taking Yuuri to the hospital anyway, simply for the sake of his own sanity. Even if there wasn’t much they could do, it was tempting to put the responsibility in their hands for a few hours. Of course, he immediately felt guilty for thinking that. He glanced down at Yuuri; it was hard to tell whether or not he was awake. He occasionally murmured things to himself, or maybe he thought he was participating in the conversation. Every time he made a noise Hiroko looked at him intently, like she desperately wanted him to say something coherent. The look in her eyes gave Victor another sharp pang of guilt, and he wondered if she thought Yuuri would be better off in Japan, under her care instead of his.

“He’s going to be alright,” Victor whispered, unsure of who he was trying to convince. Hiroko nodded, shifting to the side as Mari appeared in the frame to say hi. Her shock was obvious when she saw the condition her brother was in. Her English wasn’t quite as good as her mother’s, and nowhere near Yuuri’s, but she addressed Victor when she said,

“He looked better on Instagram today.”

“He was,” Victor answered, speaking slowly to help Mari keep up. “It just started getting bad again early this morning.” Her eyes shifted back to her brother and she said something in Japanese, causing him to stir slightly. He made a tiny noise, opening his eyes again to look at the screen. Seeing him awake, Mari smiled and repeated herself, and Yuuri responded with a sentence that Victor actually knew how to translate.

“Watashi wa, anata o aishiteimasu, Onee-chan.” (I love you, Onee-chan.)

 “Watashi mo anata o aishitemasu, Onii-san,” (I love you too, Onii-san.) Mari answered. A tear slipped down her face and she hastily wiped it away before bidding them goodbye and heading back to work. Once she was gone Yuuri dozed off again and Victor filled Hiroko in on the past couple of days since they had last skyped. He was just about to wake Yuuri to say goodbye when he made a little noise in the back of his throat. Hiroko let out a surprised

“Oh!” as his mouth fell open, letting a stream of vomit dribble continuously into his lap. Victor moved calmly, numbly, keeping Yuuri upright until he was done. He wiped Yuuri’s mouth with a tissue and swiftly pulled off his soiled pajama pants, relieved that his boxers had made it unscathed. Yuuri didn’t seem embarrassed about throwing up this time, or even having his boyfriend pull his pants off in front of his mother. His lack of reaction might have been the most concerning part.

“I think I’m going to take him back to bed with some fresh ice packs,” Victor said, cringing as his voice cracked. Hiroko nodded sadly, bidding him goodbye before saying something in Japanese, which Yuuri seemed to at least partially acknowledge. The last thing she said was,

“Keep me updated.” With that, she hung up, leaving Victor to carry a terrifyingly non-protesting Yuuri back to bed.

hngggg the bottom is in weird text and idk why or how to fix it im sorry :(