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qualityempathshoebear · 2 days ago
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Ginger
Oh my god hiiii!
Its mock season (ugh ik) and I am procrastinating. I was supposed ot sit a law exam today, but I was able to reschedule it for this thursday thanks to a lie I told last week involving cancer, hopsital, and an ulcer (yes yes whatever ill let Satan burn me later). Today I spoke to the loveliest boy ever. He sits next to me in History on tuesdays and is just the most non-chalant gut ever. He has the loveliest smile with the sweetest dimples. And his face is kissed with dimples and his undereyes are pale. The sort of pale my undereyes get when I use the wrong shade of conclealer (guilty). We spoke today about uni, and lessons and other things that I honestly cant remember. Hes just so lovely. I wasnt wearing any makeup today but I honestly couldnt feel its absence while I was talking to him. Normally im quite self conscious about it, but today I didnt mind. Not with him. Im re-watching Pretty Little Liars right now (specifically im on S1 E10) while sitting on the couch that ive been sleeping in an AirBnb until we can move into the house we are renting (literally down the street from the house we just moved out of lol). The reason Im telling you about Pretty Little Liars is because the town my Airbnb is in has the same type of vibe as Rosewood. I keep thinking about it when I walk to the busstop. Anyway, more about the ginger. Yes I am going to keep reffering to him as "the ginger." The ginger doesnt usually speak that often. Like barely. He has gotten really chatty recently but last year he barely spoke. He was just kind of broody and sulky. He would mumble "fucking hell" under his breath, like it made him physically and spiritually unwell to be in the class. Come to find out, he actually LIKES history and applied ot uni for it. LIKE WHAT?! I thought you hated it here babes why are you planning on studying history at UNIVERSITY LEVEL! He applied to one of the Universities that I did. He is just so lovely (and so innocent OMG) AND SO FUCKING BROODY. Maybe I should call him the broody ginger. No that sounds a bit mean.
Unrelated sidenote: I wasnt even going to mention this because it genuinly doesnt matter but I saw Ceaser Salad today in the IT suite at school, he looked at me briefly and recognition flashed his face - almost. Bless him I hope hes well.
Anyway byeeeeee. See you when I see you! Ill probably update when im done with my mocks. Mwah!
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qualityempathshoebear · 21 days ago
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2025?
ok so its the 3rd of january right now and oh my god do i have a story to tell. So basically... i didnt get to see the new year at 00:00 because I drank so much my friend had to put me in an uber and send me home and then i passed out. I think shes mad at me because she hasnt really spoken to me since and the only form of communication weve had is her sending me a screenshot to show that the curly-haired-mullet boys new girl followed her on letterboxd. LOL. I kept throwing up at witherspoons and these two older women (maybe in their late 20s early 30s) had to hold my hair up while i threw up and offered to walk me home. I also owe my friend money for the drinks but she wont respond so i cant pay her back lol. What an interesting start to the year. I also missed my deadline for one of my courses for a uni lol. wtf is going on with me.
i dont think ill bother with new years resolutions this year and i dont have to look back to know i didnt meet any of my goals for 2024.
current song playing: not a lot, just forever by Adrianne Lenker
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qualityempathshoebear · 24 days ago
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Going out tomorrow
Im excited to get ready to go out tomorrow and straighten my hair!!!ill update after I get home tmr from my night out.
Btw! "Losing your head" by Lauren Juzang is such a great song, you should listen to it.
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qualityempathshoebear · 26 days ago
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Fragile
Hi,
Its almost the new year! Im not actually sure if im excited but im going out for New Years (well technically its for my friends birthday) so that will be so fun. I honestly still think about the boy with the curly mullet but im realizing that i really need to move on. I know i need to, but its honestly way harder than i pretend like it is. Its made me fragile and unstable. I feel like im on the verge of tears at random points on some days. I feel embarrased, ashamed and tired of myself, him, his friends, school and everything else. I think maybe it hurts because I was more into him than he was with me, and the fact that this was my first "real" talking stage. His liked reels on instagram is not making it any easier. AND HIS STUPID LETTERBOXD!!! Not only do I have to see his shit movies but I also get the priviledge of seeing our mutual "friend" (?) like his new bitches reviews. LOL. Im bitter and im sad and im tired.
Anyway im going to watch some youtube videos and do arts and crafts.
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qualityempathshoebear · 2 months ago
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Hi,
Im drinking by myself in my room and watching mustang even tho i logged it on letterboxd yesterday after pretending to have watched it. Im a little upset about the boy. You know, the one with the curly mullet. He could have been mine couldnt he? Why do they always decide im not good enough after texting me. Like im sorry why dont you try actually speaking to me in person and think about something else aside form just fucking! I was meant to meet his friend today, but she never brought our plan up again so im guessing were not meeting. Not that my parents are letting me leave the house anyway.
I just want a nice, kind, funny, caring and obsessed man to swoop me up and take me away. I just really want to be saved. I think im a little fucked like that. My whole life i have been fantasizing about being saved, but what from? Im starting to think i want to be saved from myself.
Bye, kisses and hugs
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qualityempathshoebear · 2 months ago
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Birthday dinner (pizza), vodka coke at spoons, and gossip
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qualityempathshoebear · 3 months ago
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18th Birthday and Obsessions
Im 18; an adult. Thats fun I think. I honestly dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Today was whatever; my mom and brother said happy birthday. My dad and sister did not. Im not sure if my dad said it and I just didnt hear It but ill make sure tmr. My sister absolutely did not say happy birthday which im honestly happy about. I dont need that insidious energy.
I hope 18 is a year of success, freedom, fun, love and new opportunities and experiences.
I spent the day watching a movie actually! I watched Barbarian (Check letterboxd for a super short review lol). But dont worry Im planning on celebrating at this restaurant in the city with some friends. Some I would consider more friends than others. Im also inviting the friend of boy 2 (you know, the one that "set us up"). I want to get her drunk (in a consensual way obviously) and hope that she spills some tea on him. I have a feeling that hes talking to this one black girl that goes to journalism club at my school and who is also friends with this one gay boy (not relevant) in my class. I actually went to poland with him and the girl that set me up with boy 2. Anyway, the reason I think theyre talking is becaue he has been liking her letterboxd reviews and follows her now (although he didnt like her most recent review).
Also, UGHH I think im going crazy. Im lowkey obsessed with boy 2 even though he has had me on opened for 10 weeks (well I guess i technically left him on opened in a way). Ive gone as far as to make fake letterboxd accounts pretending to be my "friends" from back home (im using their photos and names lol; i think that may be a crime actually lol) and have been commenting back and forth with myself to make him jealous. AKA, Im absolutely losing my fucking mind. I wish he had tried harder and seemed more interested because I would honestly have loved to give it another shot in another world. There is just no way I can handle a boy rn. Im still not over it, even though its been so long and i technically ended it. Its affected my academics and my procrastination and lack of care has gotten worse. Two days ago I handed in my application for my dream uni and halfassed the applicaiton (did it all in like 1 hour) and missed out on two full essays. There is absolutly NO WAY im getting in there now and ive just wasted an early decision application. Im sort of just ignoring the fact that I did that because I cant afford to fall into a depressive state with mock exams two weeks away.
Note: I hope we wont have to talk about boy 2 again but If i do ill start referring to him as "LK".
Thank you so much for being here, loca (haha twilight reference). Bye sexy!! and until next time :)
OMG ALSO JUST REMEMBERED! IM SO OVER CEASER SALAD I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF HIM AT ALLLLLLL! AND HES WITH SOME GIRL I THINK. HONESTLY GOOD FOR HIM!!!
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qualityempathshoebear · 5 months ago
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whatever it was, it's over
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qualityempathshoebear · 5 months ago
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The summer of "talking stages"
Yeah, you read that shit right.
This summer I've spent less time studying and more time drinking and worrying about boys. I am honestly so tired.
At the start of the summer I was talking to the boy i "met" at my friends birthday party. Well, until he ghosted me anyway. Now im talking to boy 2 who is friends with that same girl. Im so stressed and exhausted and ive tried to kill off our conversations because hes being so dry but i dont have the heart to leave him on opened. He keeps doing this annoying thing where he is suuuuper dry and then when im dry back he suddenly wants to start having a conversation. Let me give you an example; I only reacted to one of his messages on snap without actually responding to them, effectively leaving him on opened without actually having to leave him opened... now guess that the boy did? He asked what my favorite pixar movie was.
In conclusion, I wish id never gotten involved with boys this summer; Im obviously not ready yet (seeing as i am stressing so much). I actually think panicking is a better description for what im feeling actually, and maybe a little embarrassment for whatever reason.
Note: Im so confused about what me and boy 2 are actually doing. Like is this a talking stage? Why has it lasted more than a month and you havent asked to meet????? UGHHHH I HATE THIS, KILL ME
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qualityempathshoebear · 6 months ago
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To all the little shitheads who got away
Fuck you. Genuinely.
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qualityempathshoebear · 7 months ago
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I have a little something to share...
Well hello there! Like the title says, I have a little something to share. The other day I got super drunk at my friend's birthday party at the park and totally embarrassed myself. I mean like TOTALLY embarrassed myself. I was talking to literally anyone with ears, rolled around in the grass, and gave out hugs and "darlings". I even had to have a boy walk me and my friend to our bus stop.
Well now that you've got the context, lets get into the real reason im writing. At the party, I pointed at some guy and yelled "you were at the Oxbridge" and "you go to *name of my school*, to which he responded something along the lines of "How do you remember me". I answered the only thing I could think of, which was "Im really good with faces". Anyway, so a couple days later I get an instagram follow request from that same boy, and he starts saying that im pretty and that he had asked our mutual friend for my Instagram because he thought that he "needed to talk to that girl (me)". We have been talking almost every day since, but he's starting to slow down his responses and I'm feeling more uncomfortable by the day. He was the one who reached out and started texting me but somehow I'm the one who feels rejected and stupid and ugly.
Anyway, sorry for the random ramble. Until next time, Mon coeur!
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qualityempathshoebear · 9 months ago
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Things I've forgotten to say.
Im not sure fi these are things im going to go into more depth into in the future, but ill just leave some thoughts here just in case.
I went to Auschwitz on the 1st of May.
I hate seeing Caesar salad, like i want to throw up when i see him. I feel so stupid and ugly. Him speaking to me that day feels like some sick inside joke that I'm not a part of.
I think some of my teachers dislike/Hate me
I dont want to waste my potential
I want to leave this country
im really emotionally and physically tired.
I dont know how I am going to get through the actual exams next year.
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qualityempathshoebear · 10 months ago
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liking a boy is so exhausting
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qualityempathshoebear · 10 months ago
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Am I really that unmemorable?
Yesterday I found out that ceaser salad had apprently told my friend that he CANNOT remember me? Im sorry WHAT?! YOU LITERALLY STARED AT ME A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. Now I dont really want to talk to him anymore. I dont know, I just feel so fucking stupid now.
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qualityempathshoebear · 10 months ago
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Adventure time
Hiiii, so I thought I would share a little adventure I recently went on. My friend from primary school (who I would always go on crazy adentures with - we once walked from shore to an island in the ocean with water up our necks, no, im not jokin-) recently came to England because her host family was coming to some sort of board game convention. Luckily for me, this board game cinvention was in a town only an hour away. I was so excited to meet her and told my parents all about it, and because they are controlling people who cant let me live my life they told me I couldnt go. And came up with some shitty excuse regarding her mother.
Its safe to say that i did not listen. If there is one thing ive learned from my friend, its that you never give up an oppourtinty for a crazy adventure. I lied to my parents and told them I was going to the library, took my schoolbag and ID, bought tickets for the bus and left. The bus ride was honestly so amazing and the views were just chefs kiss.
I got off the bus at around 9 and met her for the first time in about 5 years. She looked exaclty the same it was honestly so surprising. We sat at a cafe and ate cakes, went on a walk around the cute town, checked out a bunch of second hand stores and took lots of pictures. We gossiped, caught up and even made future plans for travels together. I bought us friendship bangles and she bought us thongs and a bras for when we go on raves in the future (that is so her!). Weve also both come to the conclusion that we dont like the UK and both want to leave ASAP.
I wont lie, it was a bit awkward at the start. I dont think we really knew what to say to eachother since it had been so long and we both had become such different people but I think it got less awkward as we spent more time together. I think if we had more time, we would have been exactly like we were 5 years ago.
She is one of those people you never forget, the kind of person who created core memories for you and put you in the craziest of situations at the craziest places.
Much much much love! And until next time :)
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qualityempathshoebear · 11 months ago
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God, thats ironic!
Hey, so I just wanted to pop on here and say some random stuff. God im so obsessed with that boy. I actually think its time to be institutionalized. I recently found found out that caeser salad and I have a mutual friend. I dont know how well they know eachother but at least weve got that connection. Also me and the girl that initially met him are going to give him dirty looks (sarcastically) and then smile at him. I dont know, maybe ill get to talk to him again. God, I really hope so!
Also yeah, im done with religion. I always was but I just wanted to repeat it. My own mother just compared me to one of my friends, and said my friend (and everyone else who is religous for that matter) was better than me, and that shed always DO better than me. I honestly DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. Like please shut the fuck up. Im moving out in no time. Maybe then you can adopt a perfectly religious and smart daughter that you can love.
Well anywyas. Bye Bye, until next time!
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qualityempathshoebear · 1 year ago
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Random recent thoughts + Storytime
I think im obsessed with ceaser salad even tho we havent spoken since that one time. Ive seen him around college soooo often (somtimes even multiple times in a day) but i havent spoken to him and he hasnt spoken to me. Ive honestly been avoiding him. But there was this one time, when i was waiting for my friend who was talking to some people she knew, when he came up to talk to those same people and we made eye contact. It was honestly so intense so i just looked awayb quickly, it was honestly just very "strong"(?). Like i honestly dont know how to decribe it, it was the first time hed looked into my eyes since that one time and it was ok.. a lot. Ive been actively avoiding him since (but also lowkey seeking his attention lol?). Im pretty sure he has this asian girlfriend but im not so sure. I saw him today tho, i totally forgot that he has a diamond pirecing in his one ear (i think its his left ear?). honestly hes not typically my type at all but he just gets more handsome every time i see him, and something inside of me just hurts. I almost wish id just taken the bus that day, instead of walking side-by-side with him. I just need to stop being obssesed. Its not healthy but i do wonder if he found me beautiful that first time we met, and if he still does. I can bet so much money that hes not into black girls tho.
Im really scared of failing. Failing exams, failing my potential, failing myself. I need to do well on these CAPs but i ahvent even started seriously studying for them and theyre a little over a week away. I dont want to let myself down but i just dont know what to do.
STORYTIME:
Ahhh ive totally forgotten to tell you this, but a few weeks ago (maybe 2) this drunk man hit on me while I was walking back from the library with my friend after "studying" (I wasnt productive). He started off the interaction by singing "my love life is so boring" while holding two green bottles of alcohol (not sure if thats something he made up or if its an acual song) to which I replied with "same" (in a singsong manner because duuuh). He asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him "no" and he then went on to say that he could be my boyfriend. I just laughed a little and told him I was 17 but he quickly interjected and said "Im 19, its only a 2 year difference" (this man looked 20-21). He touched my back, twice. And idk.. the physical touching was kind of nice but obvously he was a stranger. I think im honestly just touch starved. Anyway continuing on with the story. I think he asked where I was going because I told him I was going home. The last thing I remember happening was him asking if he could come with me, me saying no, and then being dragged away by my friend. So theres that. Another cute little main character moment.
ps. my hisotory teacher wrote that my research notes were "fantastic!!"
All my love, until next time!
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