qualityempathshoebear

[qualityempathshoebear]

Hi,

Im drinking by myself in my room and watching mustang even tho i logged it on letterboxd yesterday after pretending to have watched it. Im a little upset about the boy. You know, the one with the curly mullet. He could have been mine couldnt he? Why do they always decide im not good enough after texting me. Like im sorry why dont you try actually speaking to me in person and think about something else aside form just fucking! I was meant to meet his friend today, but she never brought our plan up again so im guessing were not meeting. Not that my parents are letting me leave the house anyway.

I just want a nice, kind, funny, caring and obsessed men to swoop me up and take me away. I just really want to be saved. I think im a little fucked like that. My whole life i have been fantasizing about being saved, but what from? Im starting to think i want to be saved from myself.

Bye, kisses and hugs

[qualityempathshoebear]

Birthday dinner, vodka coke, and gossip

[qualityempathshoebear]

18th Birthday and Obsessions

Im 18; an adult. Thats fun I think. I honestly dont feel much different than I did yesterday. Today was whatever; my mom and brother said happy birthday. My dad and sister did not. Im not sure if my dad said it and I just didnt hear It but ill make sure tmr. My sister absolutely did not say happy birthday which im honestly happy about. I dont need that insidious energy.

I hope 18 is a year of success, freedom, fun, love and new opportunities and experiences.

I spent the day watching a movie actually! I watched Barbarian (Check letterboxd for a super short review lol). But dont worry Im planning on celebrating at this restaurant in the city with some friends. Some I would consider more friends than others. Im also inviting the friend of boy 2 (you know, the one that "set us up"). I want to get her drunk (in a consensual way obviously) and hope that she spills some tea on him. I have a feeling that hes talking to this one black girl that goes to journalism club at my school and who is also friends with this one gay boy (not relevant) in my class. I actually went to poland with him and the girl that set me up with boy 2. Anyway, the reason I think theyre talking is becaue he has been liking her letterboxd reviews and follows her now (although he didnt like her most recent review).

Also, UGHH I think im going crazy. Im lowkey obsessed with boy 2 even though he has had me on opened for 10 weeks (well I guess i technically left him on opened in a way). Ive gone as far as to make fake letterboxd accounts pretending to be my "friends" from back home (im using their photos and names lol; i think that may be a crime actually lol) and have been commenting back and forth with myself to make him jealous. AKA, Im absolutely losing my fucking mind. I wish he had tried harder and seemed more interested because I would honestly have loved to give it another shot in another world. There is just no way I can handle a boy rn. Im still not over it, even though its been so long and i technically ended it. Its affected my academics and my procrastination and lack of care has gotten worse. Two days ago I handed in my application for my dream uni and halfassed the applicaiton (did it all in like 1 hour) and missed out on two full essays. There is absolutly NO WAY im getting in there now and ive just wasted an early decision application. Im sort of just ignoring the fact that I did that because I cant afford to fall into a depressive state with mock exams two weeks away.

Note: I hope we wont have to talk about boy 2 again but If i do ill start referring to him as "LK".

Thank you so much for being here, loca (haha twilight reference). Bye sexy!! and until next time :)

OMG ALSO JUST REMEMBERED! IM SO OVER CEASER SALAD I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF HIM AT ALLLLLLL! AND HES WITH SOME GIRL I THINK. HONESTLY GOOD FOR HIM!!!

[qualityempathshoebear]

whatever it was, it's over

[qualityempathshoebear]

The summer of "talking stages"

Yeah, you read that shit right.

This summer I've spent less time studying and more time drinking and worrying about boys. I am honestly so tired.

At the start of the summer I was talking to the boy i "met" at my friends birthday party. Well, until he ghosted me anyway. Now im talking to boy 2 who is friends with that same girl. Im so stressed and exhausted and ive tried to kill off our conversations because hes being so dry but i dont have the heart to leave him on opened. He keeps doing this annoying thing where he is suuuuper dry and then when im dry back he suddenly wants to start having a conversation. Let me give you an example; I only reacted to one of his messages on snap without actually responding to them, effectively leaving him on opened without actually having to leave him opened... now guess that the boy did? He asked what my favorite pixar movie was.

In conclusion, I wish id never gotten involved with boys this summer; Im obviously not ready yet (seeing as i am stressing so much). I actually think panicking is a better description for what im feeling actually, and maybe a little embarrassment for whatever reason.

Note: Im so confused about what me and boy 2 are actually doing. Like is this a talking stage? Why has it lasted more than a month and you havent asked to meet????? UGHHHH I HATE THIS, KILL ME

[qualityempathshoebear]

To all the little shitheads who got away

Fuck you. Genuinely.

[qualityempathshoebear]

I have a little something to share...

Well hello there! Like the title says, I have a little something to share. The other day I got super drunk at my friend's birthday party at the park and totally embarrassed myself. I mean like TOTALLY embarrassed myself. I was talking to literally anyone with ears, rolled around in the grass, and gave out hugs and "darlings". I even had to have a boy walk me and my friend to our bus stop.

Well now that you've got the context, lets get into the real reason im writing. At the party, I pointed at some guy and yelled "you were at the Oxbridge" and "you go to *name of my school*, to which he responded something along the lines of "How do you remember me". I answered the only thing I could think of, which was "Im really good with faces". Anyway, so a couple days later I get an instagram follow request from that same boy, and he starts saying that im pretty and that he had asked our mutual friend for my Instagram because he thought that he "needed to talk to that girl (me)". We have been talking almost every day since, but he's starting to slow down his responses and I'm feeling more uncomfortable by the day. He was the one who reached out and started texting me but somehow I'm the one who feels rejected and stupid and ugly.

Anyway, sorry for the random ramble. Until next time, Mon coeur!

[qualityempathshoebear]

Things I've forgotten to say.

Im not sure fi these are things im going to go into more depth into in the future, but ill just leave some thoughts here just in case.

I went to Auschwitz on the 1st of May.

I hate seeing Caesar salad, like i want to throw up when i see him. I feel so stupid and ugly. Him speaking to me that day feels like some sick inside joke that I'm not a part of.

I think some of my teachers dislike/Hate me

I dont want to waste my potential

I want to leave this country

im really emotionally and physically tired.

I dont know how I am going to get through the actual exams next year.

[qualityempathshoebear]

liking a boy is so exhausting

[qualityempathshoebear]

Am I really that unmemorable?

Yesterday I found out that ceaser salad had apprently told my friend that he CANNOT remember me? Im sorry WHAT?! YOU LITERALLY STARED AT ME A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. Now I dont really want to talk to him anymore. I dont know, I just feel so fucking stupid now.

[qualityempathshoebear]

Adventure time

Hiiii, so I thought I would share a little adventure I recently went on. My friend from primary school (who I would always go on crazy adentures with - we once walked from shore to an island in the ocean with water up our necks, no, im not jokin-) recently came to England because her host family was coming to some sort of board game convention. Luckily for me, this board game cinvention was in a town only an hour away. I was so excited to meet her and told my parents all about it, and because they are controlling people who cant let me live my life they told me I couldnt go. And came up with some shitty excuse regarding her mother.

Its safe to say that i did not listen. If there is one thing ive learned from my friend, its that you never give up an oppourtinty for a crazy adventure. I lied to my parents and told them I was going to the library, took my schoolbag and ID, bought tickets for the bus and left. The bus ride was honestly so amazing and the views were just chefs kiss.

I got off the bus at around 9 and met her for the first time in about 5 years. She looked exaclty the same it was honestly so surprising. We sat at a cafe and ate cakes, went on a walk around the cute town, checked out a bunch of second hand stores and took lots of pictures. We gossiped, caught up and even made future plans for travels together. I bought us friendship bangles and she bought us thongs and a bras for when we go on raves in the future (that is so her!). Weve also both come to the conclusion that we dont like the UK and both want to leave ASAP.

I wont lie, it was a bit awkward at the start. I dont think we really knew what to say to eachother since it had been so long and we both had become such different people but I think it got less awkward as we spent more time together. I think if we had more time, we would have been exactly like we were 5 years ago.

She is one of those people you never forget, the kind of person who created core memories for you and put you in the craziest of situations at the craziest places.

Much much much love! And until next time :)

[qualityempathshoebear]

God, thats ironic!

Hey, so I just wanted to pop on here and say some random stuff. God im so obsessed with that boy. I actually think its time to be institutionalized. I recently found found out that caeser salad and I have a mutual friend. I dont know how well they know eachother but at least weve got that connection. Also me and the girl that initially met him are going to give him dirty looks (sarcastically) and then smile at him. I dont know, maybe ill get to talk to him again. God, I really hope so!

Also yeah, im done with religion. I always was but I just wanted to repeat it. My own mother just compared me to one of my friends, and said my friend (and everyone else who is religous for that matter) was better than me, and that shed always DO better than me. I honestly DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. Like please shut the fuck up. Im moving out in no time. Maybe then you can adopt a perfectly religious and smart daughter that you can love.

Well anywyas. Bye Bye, until next time!

[qualityempathshoebear]

Random recent thoughts + Storytime

I think im obsessed with ceaser salad even tho we havent spoken since that one time. Ive seen him around college soooo often (somtimes even multiple times in a day) but i havent spoken to him and he hasnt spoken to me. Ive honestly been avoiding him. But there was this one time, when i was waiting for my friend who was talking to some people she knew, when he came up to talk to those same people and we made eye contact. It was honestly so intense so i just looked awayb quickly, it was honestly just very "strong"(?). Like i honestly dont know how to decribe it, it was the first time hed looked into my eyes since that one time and it was ok.. a lot. Ive been actively avoiding him since (but also lowkey seeking his attention lol?). Im pretty sure he has this asian girlfriend but im not so sure. I saw him today tho, i totally forgot that he has a diamond pirecing in his one ear (i think its his left ear?). honestly hes not typically my type at all but he just gets more handsome every time i see him, and something inside of me just hurts. I almost wish id just taken the bus that day, instead of walking side-by-side with him. I just need to stop being obssesed. Its not healthy but i do wonder if he found me beautiful that first time we met, and if he still does. I can bet so much money that hes not into black girls tho.

Im really scared of failing. Failing exams, failing my potential, failing myself. I need to do well on these CAPs but i ahvent even started seriously studying for them and theyre a little over a week away. I dont want to let myself down but i just dont know what to do.

STORYTIME:

Ahhh ive totally forgotten to tell you this, but a few weeks ago (maybe 2) this drunk man hit on me while I was walking back from the library with my friend after "studying" (I wasnt productive). He started off the interaction by singing "my love life is so boring" while holding two green bottles of alcohol (not sure if thats something he made up or if its an acual song) to which I replied with "same" (in a singsong manner because duuuh). He asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him "no" and he then went on to say that he could be my boyfriend. I just laughed a little and told him I was 17 but he quickly interjected and said "Im 19, its only a 2 year difference" (this man looked 20-21). He touched my back, twice. And idk.. the physical touching was kind of nice but obvously he was a stranger. I think im honestly just touch starved. Anyway continuing on with the story. I think he asked where I was going because I told him I was going home. The last thing I remember happening was him asking if he could come with me, me saying no, and then being dragged away by my friend. So theres that. Another cute little main character moment.

ps. my hisotory teacher wrote that my research notes were "fantastic!!"

All my love, until next time!

[qualityempathshoebear]

2023 reflection (thank god its over)

A year finishes and another comes right around the corner, eh? No but seriously, 2023 was not a good year overall. I mean, sure, there were some wins here and there which im happy about but the circustances i found myself under throughout this year was just not it. I will say this tho: i am really proud of myself for surviving this hell of a year when i at many points in time didnt think i would. Its been a year where ive spent my times worrying, stressing, and feeling lonely in the hell place 2.0, but also a year of improvement where ive gone to college and met so many new lovely people. Its been a year of letting people who arent good for me go (and sure, i can get better at this) as well as reflecting and learning from past mistakes. Some wins from this year include: surviving hell place 2.0, getting into the college and courses I wanted, passing CAP 1s (plus, getting pretty decent grades as a starting point), and most recently; getting selected for a program and a free trip to Poland.

2024 is going to be one of the most important years of my life. This is the year that decides what uni I go to, and you better bet your last dollar ill be going to a damn good one! Im going to work my ass of like no tomorrow to make sure i get what i want. I havent done all ive done, and lost all ive lost, for nothing. Ill make every last sacrifice count. 2024 is the year I stop worrying about boys or drama. It doesnt serve me, and sure as hell wont give me the results I need for uni. Work hard now, play harder later. Im only here for less than two years before leaving, so the grades I leave with is what counts. Effort, self-improvement and Hope are the words which will describe 2024.

Happy new years! I look forward to updating you <3

Pssttt! I totally forgot to say this, but you remember those 2023 goals? yeah no, they didnt happen. Except for maybe the books (i read 35!) and the nails (at some point).

My 2024 goals are:

-Read at least 35 books, gain weight, clear my skin, study every chance I get (at least 3 hours a day), get a minimum of 1520 on my SAT, get predicted (minimum) A*A*A, workout once a week, and drink 2L of water a day.

[qualityempathshoebear]

Obsession Session (As promised)

Ok so let me show you how delusional i am by telling you as much as i can remember about the boy. Ill call him ceaser salad for now. So basically, me, him, and my friend from sociology talked and laughed, and even played heads and tails together. Once the open-evening was over he headed out before us, and me and my friend went to say bye to our teacher. My friend got picked up by her dad and I decided to go to my busstop down in town, I passed by the busstop closest to the school and figured I would get on the bus to take me to town rather than walking down, but for some reason I decided to not get on the bus. I dont know if it was because I had seen ceaser salad in front of me or because i simply didnt feel like it. But the point is that i didnt get on the bus. I walked up to him instead. We stood next to eachother at the crossing stop light and waited for the sign to turn green. Two girls came up behind us and i used it as an excuse to turn my head and pretend like I had just noticed him standing there.

We gave eachother weird looks and then he began talking to me, or maybe i did to him? I cant remember. Regardless, we were talking. He poked fun at my accent any chance he got, told me I was smart, and even made fun of me for waiting on green lights before crossing the road (as if he hadnt stood and waited there himself; which makes the delusional side of my brain think he was waiting for me). We talked about movies and i told him about how scary movies were my favourite. I feel like he was constantly fliring with me, but i dont know if im just delusional. When we got to another road crossing thingy (I have no clue what theyre cllaed) I told him to "click the button" so we could cross, to which he stopped in his tracks in front of it and said "what do you say after that?". It took me a moment to realise what he meant so we said "please" at the same time. He then clicked the button and said "there are your manners". I just responded with scoffed chuckle. THAT SURE FEELS LIKE FLIRTING TO ME. We then walked for a while longer and he asked if i drank, I told him "not really" and asked if he did, he said he drinks but only on "special occasions", whatever that means. I asked if he vaped, he said he didnt, and i told him i would have bullied him if he did. We then saw the aftermath of a car crashing into a pole by mcdonalds, and I said "thats what happens when you dont wait for the light to turn green before crossing" he then very sheepishly responded "no, thats what happens when you cant fucking drive". He then stopped by the scene because he said he was planning on "being nosy" to which i obviously scolded him for inserting himself into peoples car-crashes. He asked if i was turning left, I said yes. I waved bye to him, although im not sure if he did the same, and then we parted ways. I only then realised I hadnt gotten his socials, but I feel like he would have asked me if he wanted mine. To be fair, if he had asked me after we parted, i wouldnt have been able to hear him over the noise. I havent been able to get him out of my head and its honestly ruining my mood, because I know ill probably never see him on camous again and even if i did i doubt hed talk to me or is even thinking of this encounter the way I am. I feel like he maybe just has a flirty personality because he was kind of like that when we were hanging out with my friend. Ugh I just need to forget about him, but I honestly hope he lowkey is thinking about me too. I wasnt wearing any makeup (not even mascara), and my hair was fucked and matted, there is just no way he actually likes me. UGHHH this is so annoying. Anyways ill end this here because ill just hate myself if i keep thinking about this, plus ive got exams coming up i cant be thinking about this. Byeeee.

[qualityempathshoebear]

College Updatessss

Hey Hey Hey!

Ive been in college (not uni) for almost 2 months and im honestly loving it. Ok, "loving it" is a crazy statement for school, but i honestly am loving it. I love all my subjects although i did dislike law at first, but now i find it super interesting. Most of the people ive met are super nice and ive made quite a few friends. People always ask if im American because of my accent and its honestly the funniest thing. Although when I respond that i went to an international school it lamost feels like im bragging and im not trying to, so its just a little uncomforable.

Im super good friends witha girl i met on the ND taster day and we talk almost evert day. I still hang out with the girls from the hell place 2.0 because theyre honestly super lovely but i doubt were going to stay friends after school. As for boys, i havent really had any massive crushes recently, but ive seen some cute boys here and there. Actually, this past thursday (19.10.23), me and my friend from sociology volunteered to represent the law department at the college open day, and we basically met this boy. I dont know much about him, other than where hes from and (kinda) his name, but im lowkey a little obsessed with him. Hes not nessecarly my type physically but his personality is just *chefs kiss*. Hes super sarcastic, mean and funny at the same time. I actually ended up walking to the busstop with him, but ill tell you the whole story in a seperate post.

[qualityempathshoebear]

Boy X (not to be confused with the playlist)

Today I had my other college taster day, and I have to admit I thought it was going to be really bad considering a bunch of the morley kids were going to go there. But, oh boy do I have some tea!

So, let me draw a scenario for you. Youre sitting at a table with six (or so) seats with three of them being occupied by yourself and two of your friends. Now imagine your other friend who is standing asks you to kindly watch her things while she gets some food, and ofcourse you say yes. Just as your friend puts down her bag for you to watch, a boy grabs the back of the chair and says something to you, something you cant quite catch. Asumming he asked if he could take the chair, you say "yes, sure". Well youre wrong, what he actually asked was wether or not he could sit there. So the boy does as he is told, and asits down... next to you. Then, out of nowhere, two of his friends sit down on the remaining chairs (one of which you never realised was sitting there until your friend told you about him after the entire ordeal had concluded). This is when he asks what school you came from, you know, normal conversation starters. Until out of nowhere the boy asks you if you have snapchat. Out of shock you stare at him and say "no", while your phone screen is brighlty lit on the table, with snapchat opened up. You realise this, but hope he doesnt. You then tell him youre muslim (not that youre religious or anything, as you already know, but just to get him away, although youre not sure if you actually want him to leave) to which he says "mashallah, me to". Excuse me what....? *insert confused crying emoji*. He also said he was "looking for a wife" (or something aling those lines). He then asks for you snap again, and you say "No". This is when his friends say "ok, lets go" presumably out of embarrasement for him. Im sorry to break this to you, but this actually happened to me today (note the date: 11.07.23), and I honestly dont know what to think. I wont lie and say I didnt like the the attention and that it boostedmy ego, but I just wish I would have been more aware of the situation so i could let him down nicer wihtout only answering "no". Although in my defence I was in shock. Bless his heart for trying tho.

I think I crave attention, but I know deep down he was definetly just a player looking for whores, and the fact that he continued after I used the muslim excuse, really shows his true motives. My friend said he kept tying to get my attention and that he was probably obsessed with me now becasue I rejected him. The delulu side of brain can kind of belive the last part considering he looked so shocked to be rejected.

Anyways there you go, there was my little "main character" moment. Until next time!