#tbh i have WAY more opportunities to leave the country with the job i have now

[tony-andonuts]

Wouldnt it be fuckin wild if i wasnt bullied and threatened to the point of losing all opportunities into college and instead of workblogging i was schoolblogging?

[kookieskookiejar]

Jeongguk hasn’t seen his mate for more than a year, and now he’s ready to indulge in the drug he calls his baby

wordcount: 4.2k

warnings: ab* au, kn*tting, minor jealousy tendencies on Jeongguk’s side, cream pie, this is really sweet tbh, so if you don’t like that then this isn’t for you.

DON’T LIKE DON’T READ, HATE COMMENTS WOULD BE BLOCKED, THANK YOU.

“Dude wake up, they’re flying back in today,” Namjoon nudges Jeongguk till he’s broken free from the clutches of a very sweet dream, featuring you of course, you’d been the centre of his world ever since he laid eyes on you the first time.

It was only three years ago when Jeongguk had reluctantly fetched his little sister, Jihyo, to her dance academy.

Jihyo’s car had broken down and of course he had to step in, according to Jihyo that is, and how could Jeongguk turn her down when she couldn’t leave him alone until he did?

Jeongguk swore he was going to leave once he dropped his annoying little sister off, but there was this pull he felt after he dropped her off at the lobby, so he parked his car and made his way in, and that’s when he felt the connection being the strongest, he looked around, trying to locate the source, and that’s when he sees you, talking to Jihyo animatedly, the two of you looking very much excited about your first day of the semester at the academy, you stopped talking to Jihyo when you felt that same pull, and that’s when the two of you locked eyes, it’s like the omega within you became one with your human mind, and at that moment, your omega had found her alpha standing a few feet away in sweats and a messy bed hair.

Jeongguk was excited to say the least, he hasn’t seen you for over a year and a half, the two of you barely started dating before you and Jihyo received the news that the team had been given the opportunity to tour internationally, he’s flown out to see you once or twice at countries nearer to Korea like Japan, but he can’t let go of his job just to tour with you, so the two of you settled for facetimes and texts whenever the two of you are free, Jeongguk lost count at the many times he fell asleep on call with you.

You’re really fucking nervous, being long distance for so long and suddenly you would have all the time together with Jeongguk? Your omega is happy of course, but you’re really nervous deep inside, what if he’s already found a more suitable omega than you? What if you’re not as pretty as you last left him?

Before you could send yourself in panic mode, you and Jihyo are at the arrival hall, and that’s when you see him, standing there with Namjoon, a childhood friend of his and Jihyo’s, waving enthusiastically at the sight of the two of you.

Jihyo and you quickly jog up to the two of them, you gave Namjoon a friendly greeting while he gives Jihyo a ‘welcome home hug’, but before you could greet your alpha, he wraps you up in a bone breaking hug, and instantly he buries his nose into your scent gland, inhaling you like a drug, it’s been so long, he almost forgot how you smelled like, the thought almost makes him tear up, and you must’ve been able to pick up the slight sour of his soapy scent, immediately releasing some comforting pheromones to calm him down, a hand patting his back, the feeling almost motherly to Jeongguk, reminds him of the days when he comes back from a long day of school and his mother would scent him as a welcome home greeting.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Jeongguk mumbles against your shoulder, his strong hold on you never once wavered even though it’s been almost a minute.

“I missed you too, Guk, always have,” you reassured, you don’t show it as much, or maybe it’s because you’re not as attuned with your omega, but you can still feel yourself purring, grateful that you're finally reunited with your other half.

“Okay, okay, break it up, you two, I’m fucking starving,” Jihyo nags from the side, “not even a hello to your sister too,” Jihyo mumbles with the biggest side eye which earns her a chuckle from Namjoon.

“Yeah, whatever, missed your annoying ass too,” Jeongguk says after finally pulling apart from you, and is instead now holding onto your hand, his other hand holding onto all of your luggage.

“What about my luggage?” Jihyo whines, Namjoon tells her to cut her brother some slack, offering to hold more of her luggage with a shake of his head at Jihyo’s childish antics.

“You’re an alpha, carry your own shit,” Jeongguk retorts, which earns a playful slap from you.

“Wow, this is fancy,” you say as you take in the glamorous interior, when Jeongguk said he’s taking all of you to eat seafood, you thought it was one of those restaurants the two of you frequented for a casual dinner date, but this is upscale.

“Only the best for my baby,” Jeongguk says before he says his name to the waitress to be led to your table.

All of you chatted after ordering, Jeongguk even remembered to order you a glass of wine to help with your jet lag, he’s always been an attentive alpha.

Finally after almost half an hour, a platter of prawns arrived, photos were taken and posted when the lot of you finally dug in.

You hand your plate of prawns to Jihyo, a normal occurrence between the two of you because you always had your nails done with those protruding decor, this time, teddy bears, and you’re not going to risk damaging the cute little things, while Jihyo prefers having her nails bare of anything protruding, in fact her most ‘out there’ nail colour is an electric blue which you picked out for her.

Jihyo takes your plate mindlessly, preparing to peel the shrimps for you, until you feel a looming presence next to you.

You look back to see Jeongguk’s eyes having a flicker of red hue before he sees you catching him red handed, Jihyo must’ve seen it too because the next thing you see is her scowling face, and not the one she and her brother makes when the food tastes delicious.

“Dickhead, I’m your sister, I peeled her prawns way before the two of you started dating,” Jihyo says with an annoyed tone.

“It’s okay, you can have those prawns, babe,” you say before reaching over to take her empty plate as an exchange, loading it up with new prawns, handing it to Jeongguk.

“Here you go, Mr Jealous Jeon, I don’t want to ruin my nails, or I’d peel them myself,” you explain, hoping that he doesn’t see it as anything else, but on the other hand, Jihyo is your best friend, platonic affection is a given at times.

“Sorry, it was out of instinct,” Jeongguk explains, an unapologetic look given to his sister who scoffed in return.

“It’s okay,” you say with a slight stutter, your eyes zeroing on the way he rolls up his sleeves, the sight making you clench your legs together, you were always a sucker for his arm veins.

What you didn’t realise was that Jeongguk was this possessive over you, and it awakens a familiar yearning inside you.

The meal goes smoothly after that, mostly consisting of you and Jihyo gushing about the many places you’ve been to, and how delicious the local food is while the two boys complain about how they wished they tagged along too.

All of you agreed to end the night with some dessert, and while you wait for the food to come, you find yourself entranced by the sight of Jeongguk’s arms, he had his bare arm placed on top of the long bench the two of you share, giving you a view of his tricep, his veins looking very sexy.

You reached out to trace them, unconsciously shifting closer to Jeongguk, the two of you aren’t that big on pda, and hence the two of you had always kept a distance physically, other than the times when he flew out to see you and fell asleep cuddled in your hotel bed, but beyond cuddling and making out, the two of you haven’t done anything beyond that.

Which is why Jeongguk finds it surprising to see you make the first move to be closer to him right now, and when your hand slithers up to his bicep, he raises an eyebrow.

“Your hands are so cold, they feel like raindrops on my skin,” Jeongguk says mindlessly, still watching you, switching between watching your actions and your expression, trying to grasp your thoughts.

“Must be an omega thing, but my hands have always been cold, even compared to other omegas,” you say, “it’s nothing to be worried of, so don’t fret,” you assured with a playful poke against his bicep, surprised at how hard his bicep felt.

Jeongguk laughs aloud at your shocked expression, his arm flexing even more as he laughs with his entire body, but before he could say something to tease you, the dessert arrives and Jihyo is quick to chip in her two cents.

“Stop with that lovey dovey shit before I throw up this pie in your faces,” she said followed by an attempt to shush her from Namjoon.

“Eat your pie facing the other side if you’re so sensitive,” Jeongguk fires back before he hands you a fork for you to dig in.

It’s only an hour plus but you have a feeling these two siblings are going to bicker till the last second.

“I’ll take an uber home with Jihyo, you guys head home, I’m sure both of you are tired after travelling so much, might as well spend some money so all of us could reach home quicker,” Namjoon suggest, Jihyo agrees, giving you a quick hug goodbye before you walk hand in hand to Jeongguk’s car, it’s been so long since the last time you spent the night with him, and needless to say, you’re excited for what you have in mind tonight.

“What do you want to watch?” Jeongguk asked after the two of you had changed into more comfortable clothes, your suitcase lying haphazardly in the corner of his living room.

“Anything,” you say mindlessly as you watch Jeongguk light one of his scented candles, the scent of lavender filling up your nostrils, a perfect combination with his fresh soapy scent.

“Anything isn’t a show title, sweets,” Jeongguk chides, as he goes to his shelf, taking out his beloved alcohol stash, beer and whisky seem to be his new favourite lately.

“It doesn’t really matter to me, I'm caught up to most of my shows,” you haven’t finished the glory, but that can wait for a day when you’re less jet lagged.

“How about a classic then?” Jeongguk asked, turning on one of his favourite marvel movies.

“Sure,” you say, did you plan on watching? No, not really, you just want cuddles, and maybe something more.

Halfway through the movie, you catch yourself smiling at the sight of your alpha looking so focused at the movie, a slight pout on his lip to signify he was 100% concentrated.

“What are you thinking about?” Jeongguk asked from the corner of his eye.

You take a sip from his odd concoction of whisky and beer, cringing at the taste, you were never fond of beer.

“You always take a sip even though you hate beer,” Jeongguk notes with a chuckle, his nose scrunched up at your cute face with your tongue out, cringing the taste.

“Not much, but I do want to ask you, have you always been so possessive?” you question, the events of tonight suddenly popping up in your mind.

“Is peeling prawns something really intimate in your eyes?” you ask.

Jeongguk looks away at your unnerving eyes, oh how he’s never been able to lie to you, you’re truly his kryptonite.

“Well, I mean, sometimes my alpha makes decisions that my human side doesn’t agree,” Jeongguk says truthfully, “and I know that I shouldn’t have reacted that way, especially towards my own my sister, if it made you uncomfortable…I’m sorry,” Jeongguk says, his head hanging low, like a puppy who’s being denied of head rubs, he’s seen his own eyes flash red, and although it’s normal, it must’ve scared you, since he hasn’t done that in your presence before.

“I’m not upset, Guk, but I hope you understand that peeling prawns really didn’t mean much to me until today, maybe I should stop doing my nails if you’re-

“No! I love your nails,” Jeongguk blurts out, “don’t change yourself for me, but next time, when I’m around, can, can I be the one to peel prawns for you?” Jeongguk asks in a small voice, his eyes looking as sad as a beagle puppy’s.

“Okay, now don’t be upset anymore, cuz I’m not, in fact, I find it really cute, you look really cute when you’re mad,” you joke, trying to lure him into another topic.

“No, I’m not,” Jeongguk says defensively, an exasperated smile on his face, like he couldn’t believe what you just said.

“You do, and there’s nothing wrong with being a cute alpha, you literally have the biggest doe eyes,” you add on with a mischievous tone.

“I’m not!” Jeongguk defends himself, his hands immediately going to your waist, tickling your sides, your laughter erupting in the dark living room, so lively with you around, it was always too quiet when you weren’t.

“Not so cute now, am I?” Jeongguk says from above you, his laughter mixing with your own when he sees your funny reactions and futile attempts of pushing his hands away.

“Okay! Okay! You win!” you say exasperatedly, you swear this man’s going to tickle the last breath out of you.

Once Jeongguk stops his onslaught attack on your ticklish spots, you straddle his thighs, your omega purring in delight, she’s longed for this moment since the first time you laid eyes on Jeongguk.

“I find you really hot too, you know?” you say with a tone you’ve never used, and Jeongguk’s reacting positively to it, you could feel a shudder run down his back.

“Don’t start something you can’t afford to finish, my love,” Jeongguk reminds you, his eyes hooded, already affected by the slight switch of your scent, so fucking sweet it’s clouding all his senses.

“I mean, that depends on your performance, no?” you retort, your hand caressing his neck, wrapping around it experimentally, only to feel something rising in Jeongguk’s sweats, poking your butt.

“Oh baby, you shouldn’t have done that,” Jeongguk says before slamming his lips onto yours, his tongue immediately dominating you.

Your settle for licking the plump of lower lip, sucking on it, biting it, oh how you missed seeing his lips swollen.

Jeongguk carries you to his bedroom with ease, settling you down onto his large bed gently, a stark contrast to how roughly he’s kissing you.

You love making out with him, but your omega craves for more, which is why you tugged his shirt off, breaking the scorching kiss.

Your hungry eyes trail down to his pecs, you don’t know if it’s a Jeoungguk effect, but you love his boobs, for lack of better wording, you hand instantly finds its way to his nipples, flicking and twisting while your other hand gropes the surprisingly soft meat around it.

“How long have you been thinking of doing this?” Jeongguk questions with a nervous laugh, trying not to sound too affected by your sinful actions.

“Since the first time I saw you shirtless,” you confess shamelessly, and so that confirms Jihyo’s constant ‘warnings’ of how you’re much more dirty minded than you had let on around Jeongguk himself.

Jeongguk shakes his head playfully at your blatant thirsty confession.

“You’re truly one of a kind,” Jeongguk says before he continues kissing you, breaking you out of your little routine you had with his chest.

You succumb to his kiss immediately, hands tangled into Jeongguk’s hair, the touch sending a shiver southwards.

But soon, Jeongguk craves for more, and so he asks for permission to take off your shirt, and god, he thought your hands would make him cum on the spot, glad that he didn’t, but the sight of your drenched pussy just might.

“Fuck, you’re perfect all over,” Jeongguk says before delving down to steal a taste, his mind going a tad bit dizzy at the sweet taste.

Jeongguk then focuses his attention on your boobs next, hands gently grasping them, the soft meat perfectly fitting into his palms, like you were made just for him, flicking your cute nubs with his thumbs, watching your breasts jiggle in motion with his movements, so cute.

“Stop dragging this out, Guk, you’re such a tease,” you say with a whine.

“Oh so you can take your time playing with my boobs, but I can’t?” Jeongguk chides, but abides, he’d do anything you say, so he moves on, his hands trailing down, until they reach your thighs, prying them open for him to fully take in the view of your wet centre, it’s only gotten wetter since the start, and the fact that it’s all his doing just fills his ego.

Jeongguk slips in a finger in while he holds eye contact with you, his tongue mindlessly playing with his lip piercing to calm his nerves, but to you, he was doing everything that’s sexy in your eyes.

Fuck, Jeongguk didin’t expect you to feel so wet, so warm, he just wants to sink into your velvet walls forever, bury himself into your warm cunt and die there, that’s how addictive you feel, and this is just his finger, he’ll lose his sanity once he’s inside you.

Jeongguk moves his finger around, aiming upwards, trying to locate for your sweet spot, and when he hears a whimper of his name fall from your swollen lips, he knows he’s found the prize.

He slips another finger in, doing a come hither movement, opening you up for him, he’s glad he’s a decent multitasker, or he’d lose his focus from how you’re arching your back into his touch, if you could, you’d glue his hand to your breast, you’d touch yourself before, but you thought your nipples weren’t all that sensitive, until Jeongguk’s touch, and now you’re addicted, but if you were told to choose between his fingers inside you or touching your boobies, you wouldn’t be able to choose, you’ve never been this wet with anyone else or by yourself, everything’s electrified with Jeongguk.

Although the two of you are about to unspeakable things to each other, you can’t help but think, Jeongguk has always been a gentleman, you could just tell by his meticulous prepping, his furrowed eyebrows that match his doe eyes, the way they dart around between your pussy and your face, trying his best to see if you’re feeling okay, if he needs to stop, love blossoms just as pleasure builds up between your legs, your walls clenching and unclenching around Jeongguk’s fingers, a silent message that you’re about to be pushed over the edge, and Jeongguk could tell too, which is why he retracts his fingers before you could do so, earning a nearly animalistic whine from you, not used to being denied by Jeongguk, always his spoiled baby.

“If I don’t stop I’m really gonna cum in my pants, sweetheart,” Jeongguk confesses with a shake of his head, his alpha’s ego slightly hurt by the revelation.

“Hurry then,” you say before you decided to take matters into your own hands, taking his pants and boxers off in one tug, revealing his thick length bouncing up, hitting his perfectly sculpted abs, the tip shiny with beads of pre cum.

Jeongguk could see you slowly gravitating towards his cock, so he pushes you down onto the bed before you could get any sneaky ideas and have him cum down your throat in seconds.

“Next time, I promise, I need to look at you properly when you take me down your throat, now I just want to be inside you,” Jeongguk promises, positing his length at your entrance, but he finds himself entranced by your swollen clit that he previously rubbed his nose against, and so he grasps himself in his hands, rubbing his tip against your clit, groaning at the feeling of your smooth folds, fuck it, he really needs to be inside you, now.

“Fuck, Guk,” you sigh out when he slowly pushes into you, your walls clamping down onto his cock like a greeting hug, god his brain needs to stop tying sex with you to some innocent gesture, or he’d pop a boner at everything he does, and with how addicting you feel, he fears you’d really have that power over him.

When he’s finally balls deep inside you, he could feel his fangs protruding, he’s sure his eyes are flashing red as yours began showing a golden hue, the colour of an omega.

“You can move now,” you say when you realised Jeongguk had been stilled to allow you to adjust to his size.

Jeongguk nods, maybe a little more times than necessary, just to reassure himself. He pulls out slowly, the contact between your bare walls around his dick has him shuddering, leaving just the tip in, he feels you sucking him in, and that’s when he decided to throw all caution out of the window, thrusting back in quickly, a gasp and a moan of his name could be heard, he craves to hear that sweet melody again, and so he begins to move, setting a moderate pace.

Jeongguk could feel you everywhere, wrapped around his cock, your sweet voice tickling his ear, and even those pretty nails you do everything to maintain in its mint condition, the acrylics digging into his tricep as he snaps his hips, the pace of them getting faster by the second as you struggle to even moan, too consumed by the way Jeongguk’s cock seem to always hit that sweet spot that you thought no man would be able to find on the first night, but this man, your alpha, proves that he’s fully capable in everything he sets his mind to, and that’s the biggest turn on, ever.

When Jeongguk shifts his hand from your hip to your clit, you knew you were going to be ruined by him tonight, it felt like an electric shock, the first contact of the pad of his calloused thumb, but when you felt him rubbing quick circles on your bundle of nerves, a sob rocked your body, the pleasure coming from the tip of your toes to your entire body, so many pleasure points being stimulated all at once, your body went haywire, you could feel your mind going blank before you felt the band in your abdomen snap, your walls clench onto Jeongguk so harshly that Jeongguk has to bite onto the pillow your head’s laying on to prevent his animal side from running free and bite your neck.

Jeongguk’s knot began forming when he could feel you coming down from your high, thank god for the slicked walls, or he’d pull out from fear of you getting hurt even though he’s prepped you thoroughly, he doesn’t want your first time to have any risks of pain, or any other time, but he wants your first time with him to be very much memorable in a positive light.

Jeongguk could feel you clenching in panic when you felt the swollen knot, your mind still hazy from your orgasm, and so Jeongguk is quick on his feet to reassure you.

“Just a little more, baby, take my knot like a good girl and it’d be all over,” Jeongguk says beside your ear before kissing you gently as he releases calming pheromones, and that’s when he felt you unclenching, just in time for his knot to deflate painting your walls with white.

“There you go, it’s all over my pretty baby, I'll get you all washed up when I'm safe to pull out,” Jeongguk suggests, but you could feel your consciousness fading, the only thing you remember is your bare skin coming into contact with a body of warm water.

When you wake, you’re still in your alpha’s hold, but you’re now dressed in a thick sweater of his, black of course, since there seems to be a colour shortage in his wardrobe.

“Well, if it isn’t sleeping beauty,” Jeongguk jokes, which earns him a light punch to his chest.

“It’s all your fault, who knew you’d be so tiring,” you say with a slight whine, still feeling sore between your legs.

“I’m sorry, I’ll make you breakfast tomorrow as an apology, happy?” Jeongguk bargains with that charming smile of his that makes all the omegas he meets drop onto their knees for them.

“As long as you’re buying lunch too,” you retort before snuggling closer to your alpha, fatigue crawling into you once more.

“I ended up with one of those demanding omegas, didn’t I?” Jeongguk says to himself with a shake of his head before he decides to sleep as well, for the first time in a long time, he falls asleep in no time, now that his favourite scent is surrounding him.

[belit0]

Ok so I have this scenario, a bit cliché tbh but I'm a fan of them 🫠🫠

Y/N is an unhappy married woman, and her husband is a rich douchebag who is possessive of her. To keep and eye on her 24/7, he hired a bodyguard: ____ Uchiha. Y/N doesn't complain because she finds him attractive.One day, her husband is outside the country for a business travel. They're in the kitchen and she decides to make a pass to her bodyguard. He takes the hint but... [What does he do next?]

Here's my train of thought: Indra would be the possessive millionaire who hires a bodyguard, Izuna and Shisui would pounce on the opportunity without hesitation, Itachi and Madara would strongly refuse as they are responsible (although I think Madara would be more hesitant), which leaves us with the most interesting option for this scenario:

Obito

Obito sits at the counter, trying to concentrate on the cup of coffee that (Y/N) very kindly offered. There is something about the way the woman looks at him that makes him uneasy, and he prefers to avoid eye contact.

There is no denying that she is beautiful, but she is also his mission, the woman he must protect and watch over, to always keep on his radar. The instructions given to him were pitifully clear, and the Uchiha can't help but feel sorry for her, yet the payoff is too good.

His idiot boss asked for constant surveillance on the girl for no presumed reason, indicating he must monitor her even when she doesn't know it, be vigilant so she doesn't sleep with anyone in his absence. It is none of his business knowing why wealthy people act so bizarrely, nor does he dare to analyze why (Y/N) is next to someone so sick, but he remains faithful to his position and complies without problems.

Since he arrived, the woman only has privacy to go to the bathroom, having Obito constantly in her vicinity. He became her driver, her chaperone, her companion, even escorting her to coffee with her friends. It is intrusive and extremely uncomfortable, but the Uchiha maintains a professional attitude against all odds, trying to blend in with the environment and not be a nuisance for her.

He tries to be invisible, to disappear from her sight while always being present, providing the illusion of not having someone there constantly watching her. Of course it is impossible, and (Y/N) began to deal with it in unusual ways.

Obito is not unaware of meeting normal beauty standards and even surpassing them, but he never counted on the intention of seducing his target, always keeping a safe distance and assisting only when explicitly requested.

Today, (Y/N) is different.

It's the way she offered him a cup of coffee and the strangely provocative clothes she wears, the long glances she gives and the simple smiles she throws his way. The woman makes a marked effort to make Obito understand she sees him, that she recognizes him, knows he is there with her.

The Uchiha would prefer to be ignored and go unnoticed, but there seems to be no case, and he has no power to deny anything she asks. He is a watchdog, faithful and loyal, abiding by his co-owner's orders.

"Life is boring, you know, when one is as lonely as I am." She speaks aloud, not looking but directing her words at him. Obito merely nods, eyeing his cup nervously. He moves the liquid from side to side as if to provide distraction, colossal effort to feign disengagement in the situation.

He must remain professional.

"Everything's a little bit better since you got here, you know?" (Y/N) comes close, too close for his liking, but he thinks it would be rude to get up and leave, to move from the spot, put distance. He continues to remain neutral, not engaging in any way in the woman's monologue, indistinct.

"We could have a good time, I mean, you and me. No one would know." And it is when she places her hand on his thigh that Obito reaches his limit. She is beautiful, she really is, and on different occasions he caught himself staring at her with obscene thoughts in mind, but his job is priority.

He rises from his chair as though he has fire in his ass, and stuttering replies "Tha-at would-d not be appro-opriate! .. miss (Y/N), please! excuse me!" He runs out of the kitchen and into the bathroom, abandoning the woman and his cup of coffee. His head is spinning a mile a minute, and he is unhappy at how the blood rushed to his groin with such speed.

[daengtokki]

Your story is like the first one I’ve been so deeply captivated by when it comes to serial killer shit, like I can’t explain it. Sure I’ve read yandares and silly ghost face skz story’s, but this one made me feel…disgusted? Like I’ve never had a fictional story about skz make me feel so grossed out. I don’t want you to take it as a negative thing, and if you do i apologize 🩷

I’ve read sooooo many fics through three years and I was a little bit skeptical when I first read the “serial killer! Seungmin” but I’m glad I kept reading cause I’m so excited for the next part.

What I meant by the “it grossed me out” part, is the scene where he killed the man? I don’t know why but I dead ass almost threw up, might be cause I’m sick and the only thing I’ve been consuming are medications. But holy fuck dude, I had to step away😭

Also!! I got so, frustrated? And confused? When she DIDNT LEAVE THE COUNTRY!? A MAN JUST KILLED YOU FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES AND YOURE OVER HERE KISSING HIS LIPS AND WHAT NOT.

But I think that’s what makes a story good! The minute a fic I’m reading is making me feel some kind of emotions, better bet I’m reading until the fkn end.

Anyway, pardon my rant, and again I really hope you don’t take it as offensive, but if you do I’d totally get it tbh.

Stay safe and healthy! Lots of love🩷🌺

Sorry I took so long responding, but I really had to gather my thoughts for this one. Apologies for it being so long and for me basically taking an opportunity to unload.

All of the "negative" parts popped out because I was so tired and out of it. And I was like “oh no please don’t hate please don’t hate the story” 😭 ㅋㅋ ㅋ I'm out of it today, too, so hopefully I type this up properly.

But I don’t take your comments negatively! My job as a writer is to make you feel all of the emotions my characters are dealing with.

So thank you for taking the time to write all of this out! Seriously. I'm a little floored anyone (this goes for everyone who has sent a message or left a long comment about the fic) has been reading thoughtfully enough to catch everything l've been putting into the story. We’ll be getting more into readers fucked up head very soon, since you mentioned that!

I’m glad these not so pretty parts have gotten a reaction out of you, because I’ll take that as me writing the scenes well! That’s very important to me as a writer, and as someone who has always taken writing seriously. I love writing simple fanfic that you guys can lose yourself in, because that’s why I picked up ff again after stopping for many years. And because of Seungmin, ofc. But this is also why I was very nervous about posting DEITY even though I’ve been wanting to do serial killer!Seungmin for months now. I knew it couldn’t be simple, but I had no idea it would already be this long halfway through (almost 50k words). After writing the intro and getting into the first part, I decided to just write an entire novel. I already had the plot in my head.

I don’t see many stories like this on tumblr, but I also don’t read much (I’m not exaggerating when I say all of my free time is spent writing) so putting something darker out there that wasn’t just oneshot smut was a little scary. I’m aware that’s what get most of the attention on here (short stuff, ott smut, ~imagines, etc) and why even though I have readers like you, I don’t have much in the way of likes and reblogs. It does get discouraging, but I’m pushed forward when I think about all of you reading each part.

So ANYWAY. Sorry this got so long. Thank you so much for your reblogs and your comments on those reblogs. It’s so important to me and the other writers on tumblr.

And thank you Seungmin for being my muse. I wouldn’t be writing every day again without you making me so delusional.

Again, sorry if this is too much and none of it makes sense. I took too much of one of my meds today and I’m very dizzy and lethargic from it.

[octopus-in-disguise]

This is an absolutely off the wall AU but I was listening to the Spirited Away soundtrack and started wondering what would happen if I shoved my darling blorbos into a similar plot and here we are.

So I figure the premise would be Trevor moving a fair distance for work—the company he works for (probably something pretty similar to INAC) has opened a new headquarters somewhere and is relocating a significant number of its’ staff. Trevor, not having much to tie him down to his previous home, is pretty ambivalent towards uprooting himself to go somewhere else.

He’s giving his work friend Gus a ride to Gus’ new apartment (idk why Gus doesn’t have his own car, I just need someone to function as the same catalyst that Chihiro’s parents were because tbh I can see no way that Trevor would enter a creepy abandoned theme park of his own volition and Gus seems to fit the bill pretty well). Gus is helping Trevor navigate with a big ol’ road atlas and he’s doing a pretty good job of it up until he misreads the atlas and accidentally sends them up a remote country lane. Just like the movie, they wind up in front of a crumbling facade—the entrance to an abandoned theme park. Trevor is immediately ready to turn around and try to recalculate their route, but Gus is tired of driving and lobbies to take the opportunity to stretch their legs. Trevor isn’t so sure—something feels off to him—but Gus announces that he’s going to go explore with or without him and there’s no way Trevor’s going to let him go in there *alone.* So he grabs Kovacs, because he doesn’t know how long they’re gonna be out and he doesn’t want to leave his beloved turtle alone in the car, and reluctantly follows Gus inside.

They have a look around, but it starts getting dark and Trevor is more than ready to head back. Gus says he can smell food and wants to find out what it is. Now beginning to feel that something is seriously amiss, Trevor argues that whatever food they find here probably won’t be that great because the place is abandoned, to which Gus teasingly responds that maybe if Trevor had stopped at that McDonald’s he’d pointed out an hour back instead of forging on, he wouldn’t be forced to take such extreme measures. Naturally, they find the spirit restaurant and Gus tucks in. Trevor, seriously spooked, wanders off to wait for Gus with Kovacs. Then the spirits start coming out. Trevor freaks out, rushes back to find Gus and get the hell out of there, and promptly finds that Gus has been transformed into an animal (I’m not sure which kind—it feels sort of mean to turn him into a pig but maybe that’s just me). Trevor attempts to go back only to find a massive ocean has appeared where the exit once was. So all in all Trevor is having a bad time of it. Enter Angela!

She guides Trevor into a secluded spot away from the chaos of the emerging spirits and explains that the theme park is actually a theatre meant to entertain the residents of the Spirit Realm, run by the witch Vivian. Angela herself is a permanent employee of the theatre, as she can no longer remember her true name and is thus eternally at Vivian’s service. Trevor is terribly confused about everything and still quite frightened, but Angela manages to get through to him that the only way to remain safe here is to secure employment under Vivian, and Trevor decides to trust her. She sends him to seek out her colleague Gene, who might have work for Trevor or otherwise be able to help him get a meeting with Vivian. Trevor sets off with Kovacs in hand, determined to at least try his best to get out of this insane situation.

Gene has no work for Trevor to do, and instead guides him through the Theatre to have an audience with Vivian. Initially insulting Trevor by stating he’s too boring and untalented to be part of any of the actual performances, Vivian assigns him work as a stagehand in exchange for his name, which she replaces with the number 10-3-92.

That’s all I’ve got so far. I know Angela probably spends most of the plot trying to thwart Vivian and find a way to get Trevor back to the human world, but I haven’t thought up all the details of how that works out yet. Does Vivian have some kind of master plot here like in the original game? I have no idea. Possibly Angela decides to leave with Trevor after he helps her remember her real name (which I figured in this AU would be Àngela Guardiana)? Idk there’s a lot of loose ends here I just had to get the brainworm out.

[uncloseted]

I’m all for chappel standing up for herself and not letting anyone walk all over her, but her whole attitude toward fame really just irks me lmfao. Her saying “This fame crap.” At the VMAS and “I don’t want to win a grammy.” just feels so ungrateful to me and tbh a bit bitchy (I know that was an old statement but still). I get being overwhelmed by bad interactions, and she has EVERY right to be, but jesus christ why complain about the career you are actively pursuing on a red carpet? Like girl if you REALLY don’t care that much let someone else do it who WANTS to? I know she blew up overnight. I know she’s probably very overwhelmed but fuck, her whole attitude is like a high schooler trying to pretend she’s too good for everything. It’s off putting and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

So I think a number of things can be true at the same time. She's right and she should say it, but the way she's going about it probably isn't the most strategic move she could be making in terms of her public image, and at the same time, there's no such thing as a perfect victim, so I don't think there's any way she could have asserted herself that would have been universally applauded.

As I've said on here before (here and here), I do think that fundamentally, Chappell is right. Especially in countries that have deeply ingrained stan cultures, as the US does, the relationship between celebrities and the public is kind of abusive. We’re putting these celebrities in gilded cages and expecting them to dance on command, as if they’re objects instead of people. Chappell should have the right to be an artist without being harassed every time she goes out in public and without her friends and family being stalked. I think it's really weird that we act like this treatment is acceptable for artists when it would be totally unacceptable to do to like, the barista at your coffee shop. I think she has a right to pursue professional opportunities (award shows, interviews) without also agreeing to interactions with fans in non-professional contexts, when she's not "on the clock". I don't think that's inherently contradictory. It's reasonable for her to want a work-life balance, especially since she's someone who is playing a character when on stage. I also want to point out that we don't know how much control she actually has over these public appearances. Her label may have committed her to interviews and award shows without asking her permission, or there may be a reason why she couldn't pull out of those obligations even if she wanted to.

That said, from a PR perspective, I think she should have stopped while she was ahead. Instead of posting raw TikTok videos and then continuing to double down, it probably would have been more strategic for her to work with her team to craft one single statement, and then to reiterate those same points whenever the topic comes up in an interview or other public space. The way that she's been talking about it seems like it's eroding the good will she has with the public, and, as you say, the narrative is starting to become that she's bitchy and ungrateful. I think her team should be doing a better job managing her public image and guiding her in the right direction, since they're the professionals and she's really new at this.

But that said, Chappell is an introverted 26 year old girl who struggles with bipolar disorder and only blew up five months ago. Of course she's struggling with this. Touring is grueling even for people who are really mentally healthy. It's overwhelming and exhausting and all of your routines get upended. There's an interview where she says that, "this industry and artistry fucking thrive on mental illness, burnout, overworking yourself, overextending yourself, not sleeping. You get bigger the more unhealthy you are. Isn’t that so fucked up?”, and I think that's really true. And so for people who struggle with a mental illness, touring is that much harder, and can really exacerbate their symptoms.

Plus, for someone like Chappell, who describes herself as very introverted, I think touring must be especially hard because you're essentially with your coworkers all day, every day. There's this one Vanity Fair interview that she did before Rise and Fall of A Midwest Princess came out where she says that, "I found it to be pretty exhausting just interacting with so many people a night. Not anything they did wrong, but my soul was just so overwhelmed. Shows really take it out of you. It's a really emotional rollercoaster being on tour, so it's hard to play the character [of Chappell Roan] all the time." She also says that, "finally I found a place that I feel good about my meds. I'm in therapy. I really try to like, take care of myself. But, oh my god, it's so hard with this job because there's no checking out. There's no clocking in and out. I worked at a doughnut shop for a long time and I loved it because I would just leave work and I would just go watch TV and it was great. But I feel like this is just really hard to take a step away from, especially on tour."

In that context, where she's gone from being virtually unknown to not being able to go out in public without being recognized, where she, her family, and her friends are being stalked, where lots of people have an opinion on her as a publicly queer woman, where she's been touring for months on end, where she's maybe not able to take care of her mental health as well as she could at home, I think it makes a lot of sense that she's in a place of being burnt out and not quite knowing how to handle it.

To me, it seems like she's going through a very human emotion of wanting to set boundaries but not wanting to lose the fans and support she has and not knowing how to find that balance. I think especially for someone who (from what she's said) has felt ostracized and different her entire life, the idea of losing the huge amount of appreciation and support she now has is probably terrifying. She's said that this project is about "honouring the childhood I never got" and so I think it makes sense that she's both fiercely protective of it and not ready to let it go.

I've also seen a lot of people say that she should just cancel all further appearances and disappear from the spotlight for a while, but I don't actually know if she can do that. She's not really in a position like Lorde or Enya where she could just go home and everyone would treat her the way they used to. She's from a small town in Missouri where everyone knows her and I imagine, a lot of people have negative opinions about her, and now she lives in LA where everyone knows who she is. I think she would have to start over somewhere totally new, in the middle of nowhere, with no queer community and away from her family and friends. I get why she might feel like that's not really an option.

I think ultimately what she wants is for people to view "Chappell" and "Kayleigh" as two totally different entities, where Chappell is a celebrity but Kayleigh isn't. And I think that's a totally fair thing to want, especially because Chappell is a very easily identifiable character, so it's easy to know when she's "at work" and when she's "off the clock". I think it's super reasonable for her to want to do the things she loves to do- make music, perform, play the character of Chappell on stage- while also having a private life. I think she does really want this career as a pop star. But I don't think she wants the career of "celebrity" and I don't think she's actively trying to pursue that (beyond what her label is obligating her to do).

The last thing I want to say is that I think, as is typical for the internet, a lot of her statements are being taken out of context. For example, the Grammy's thing she said was, "my mom would love to go to the Grammys or the Brits... but I’m kind of hoping I don’t win, because then everyone will get off my ass: ​‘See guys, we did it and we didn’t win, bye’! I won’t have to do this again!” I think what she's talking about is the process of campaigning for a Grammy. Those awards don't just go to the artists who are the "best" in some kind of objective way. Labels campaign hard for those awards, which means that their artists also have to campaign hard for the award, whether that's something they really want to do or not. So I think she's saying "if I lose, we won't have to do the campaigning for this award the next time I put an album out," not "I don't appreciate the recognition and appreciation I'm getting." In general, I would really recommend reading that entire interview, because it gives good insight into where her thinking is right now, where she is emotionally, and what these interactions that she's talking about are actually like.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something I wanted to say about this, but I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I think Chappell (and all celebrities) are put in a really difficult situation, and I don't blame her for not being able to handle it perfectly. I think her team should be doing more to shield her from some of this and to protect her image so that she doesn't have to deal with people hating her on top of dealing with the people who love her too much.

[birdgirl90]

Well preparing for the move is in full swing! Full details below, and thank you all for being so supportive.

I have technically three ish weeks to get everything ready to go, but I want to be done before the week of Thanksgiving so I can spend that week doing nothing except being with my family, so it's more like two weeks.

I've been steadily going down my to do list - stuff for my dog is all taken care of (treats, toys, food and water bowls, etc all for the trip itself), my medications are all called in for 90 days so that I have a few months to figure out insurance and get doctors (parents said they would mail the meds to me if they don't get filled in time), I ordered my contacts for the next six months so that I'm stocked up on those, hotels are reserved for along the way, and so on.

I have a tentative plan for when I get there, but it's still scary as fuck.

My parents are being supportive even though neither of them like that I'm moving so far away. (For reference, I'm in Colorado and I'm moving to Maryland, which I love the east coast and am very excited.) Thanks to my dad helping me out, I was able to get a loan from the bank to pay for my move and living expenses until I get a full time job. Both of them are sad, as is my little sister who is heartbroken I'm leaving, but they all know I have to do what's right for me.

The half baked plan is to take four days to drive cross country with as much of my stuff that will fit in my car as well as my dog, driving about 6 hours or so a day since it's just me. I have my cities picked out to stop in, and I think it's going to be a pretty uneventful drive. I love road trips, so it's great getting to take one on my own tbh.

Then when I get to Maryland, I'll be rooming with my best friend. Once she left her fiance and I got divorced, it was the plan to be roommates, so she got a decent two bedroom apartment last month that she can afford on her own. My contribution when I get there will be to pay for groceries until I work full time and can afford to help with rent too. I figure groceries is the least I can do, and she keeps telling me that I don't have to do anything if I don't want to, which is incredibly generous but I refuse to just be a bum and do nothing.

Once I'm settled, I'll be hitting the ground running looking for work. The job I really wanted I got overlooked for because I'm out of state, so being in state will help for other jobs. So far I'm looking into online tutoring (I have an education degree and I currently work for Sylvan Learning Centers - I've done administrative director stuff as well as tutoring and they have a lot of opportunities) as well as transcription jobs for like court reporting. Both together should tide me over until I find a full time job somewhere, I think.

This whole thing is exciting and also terrifying as fuck. I have never done anything even remotely close to this before, and going out without a job lined up scares me shitless. But as I had it pointed out to me, nothing gets done staying in one place forever, and if I want to make this change, I need to just do it.

Does anyone who follows me live on the east coast of the US? If you do and would ever be interested, I would love to get coffee once I'm settled. I am really looking forward to making friends for once outside of the two or three that I currently have.

Thanks again for everything guys, all of you mean a lot to me.

~Birdie

[wheelin-after-midnight]

33.

Have you ever had a friend that you found extremely annoying but put up with anyway?

Not a close friend, no. I've been in situations where I was in care home type settings and I tried to be friendly and bond with certain people for the times I was stuck there, but outside of those situations, if I'm trying to establish a close, lasting friendship, I wouldn't keep seeking that person out or hanging out with them if we didn't vibe. Leading people on is gross.

In the winter if your skin gets really dry do you bother to use lotion, or do you just leave it alone?

I leave it alone. Skincare is admittedly not my biggest priority - yeah, big same. I probably should pay more attention to it, but I don't.

What would your friends think of you if they read every survey answer that had to do with them?

I literally screenshot the detailed answer from one of the last surveys I did that asked which of my friends is the kindest and sent it to Brittany myself, lmao. She was like, "this has me ugly crying! I appreciate you SO much. I can't believe how long we've known each other. We're getting old, man." No problem with my friends seeing the things I say about them. It's a big love fest over here.

Who was the last person you sat beside at a restaurant?

I didn't sit beside her, we sat across from each other. The last person I went to a sit down restaurant with was my cousin.

Do you hate being the first person to start a conversation?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't mind at all. Depends who I'm around and whether I feel comfortable or welcome or not.

Who is popular in your country? (Singers, actors etc..)

I'm sure all kinds of celebrities are popular here. If you mean more like, which celebrities hail from here and became successful, then there's KD Lang, Jann Arden, Gordon Lightfoot, Bryan Adams, Avril Lavigne, Nickelback, Shania Twain, Tegan and Sara, Celine Dion, Terri Clark, Alanis Morrisette, Sarah McLachlan. There's definitely more I'm blanking on right now, but that's a handful.

What did you watch today?

Just a few YouTube channels I follow.

True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever?

Awww. I love Yoshi. That was one of the names on the list if I had gotten a boy cat. :)

Peaches or plums?

Peaches, definitely. I don't really like plums.

Do you understand art?

I deeply appreciate art. I think much of it is open to interpretation. Someone else might understand it differently than I do or it may resonate with them in a different way or for a different reason.

Spongebob or Patrick?

Spongebob.

Do you read books or magazines more?

Books.

Do/did your parents buy you a lot for Christmas?

I don't really ask for anything. I struggle with this time of year a lot. There was one thing I wanted, but my mum didn't remember that I'd mentioned it. I was just gonna get it as a gift to myself, but it sold out. I don't want or need more material things very often.

Would you rather watch little kid’s cartoons, older kid’s cartoons, or adult cartoons?

Depending on my mood and who I'm around I'd be open to any of these, tbh.

How about watching regular cartoons or anime?

I don't really like anime. - Same. Not my thing.

What are a few “dream” jobs you have in general?

I really, really would love opportunity to be in live theatre productions as an adult. I haven't done so since my school days and I miss it so much the last few years. Brought me so much joy. I've also always wanted to be a mother, but I can't have babies, so. :(

Out of all the cultures in the world, what culture do you find the most interesting?

I find sooo many cultures interesting. I love learning things about any of them, honestly.

What is your culture like, do you like your culture, and do you even follow your culture at all?

The first thing Robyn said in her response to this was "what a loaded question" and I went "yeah, right?" I feel like culture covers a lot of things. Canadians are thought to be exceptionally nice, but I feel like there's good and bad everywhere. I couldn't feasibly live anywhere else and there are definitely things I love and appreciate about being here. We're very fortunate in a lot of ways. My personal familial circle and this particular area is pretty Christian, conservative, and closed minded. I'm not the biggest fan of that because I'm pretty much polar opposite, but it is what it is.

What’s something that bothers you about girls? We're not about to generalize on here but I've definitely heard stories of some girls not being a girl's girl - not willing to share pads, not informing you if you've got a stain, etc and I find that both annoying and sad. - omg yes, this! Also how catty some of us can be. Like, what for? Why tear each other down? I don't get it. Life is not a competition, babes. We're gonna straighten crowns for each other over here, not rip 'em off.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Hopefully getting groceries dropped off since I'm out of like, everything. Again. Why does food seem to disappear so fast? I wish everything didn't cost so much freaking money. Ugh.

Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?

I wet it before and after putting the toothpaste. - yup, me too!

Where do you like to keep your money?

What money? 😂😂 Jokes. I almost never have cash on me but I keep cards to my account in my wallet.

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?

I have several times.

What are you wearing?

Gap sweater and leggings with skulls on them.

Do you like ramen noodles?

Some of them, yeah, occasionally.

Do you own a webcam?

My laptop has one in it, but I don't use it. Laptop desperately needs replacing at some point.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

I don't remember.

Do you like Redbull?

Redbull always makes me think of Brittany lol. She drinks a lot of it. I think it's gross.

Who is the last person you spent money on?

I sent Brittany some money as an early Christmas gift.

Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re eighteen?

I can never have a baby.

Do you hate it when people mispronounce your name?

Both the full version of my name and Vickie are pretty hard to mispronounce. I've definitely had misspellings of Vickie, though. I don't make a big deal about it.

Do you have a digital camera?

I still have it. I don't use it anymore.

What’s the last kind of Vitamin Water you had?

The orange one.

Do you own a copy of Roller Coaster Tycoon?

I don't know what this is referring to? Should I? Am I just dumb? 🫠😶

Do you have any birth marks in embarrassing places?

I have a birthmark, but it's nothing crazy.

When was the last time you were in a hospital?

I don't remember. It's been a while.

Do you like to kill people on the Sims?

Nah.

Have you used Limewire before?

I used Kazaa, but same idea. What a throwback, lol.

Are you or were you in a band?

Dude, I wish!

Is the taste of alcohol appealing to you?

Depends on the alcohol. Some is, some isn't.

[misledyouth222]

A letter written at 1:30am to a dead lover’s Facebook messager::

Dear Sisqo,

Dear god if anyone ever has your password and sees this, man I’m gonna look like a dipshit 😂

I had this whole notes app thing written out, and had planned on sharing it with fucking DMX of all ppl soon, but somehow in my perpetual idiocy deleted literally every note from my phone🫠 v like me.

You called me….god I think I’m 2019? I was at my husbands fam lake house (his name is Mark Hoppus and you’d definitely pick him over me if this was high school), and for a second I was going to answer it and run outside to see what was up, if everything was okay, etc. but my brain got the best of me and I sent you to vm, and you left me the nicest message of how I had just crossed your mind, and you wanted to call to see how I was doing. I brushed it off like nothing bc tbh I expected to be in ~crappy home town~ any time then, and figured I’d see you at ~*dumb brewery*~

I goddamn wish I had picked up the phone. Idk what was going on, or why you called, but that was my unknown last opportunity to talk to you. To may have a good heart to heart. To be a fucking adult and tell you how shitty of a person I was, and how I regretted forever how I was to you, and how selfish I was that I hoped that it was all in the past and you forgave me or some shit.

My ~anonymous family member~ texted me the day it happened. He works at the *made up job like pizza delivery*, which I think you knew bc you had kept up with him kind of. I cried. I fucking bawled like a bitch. And then felt awful bc I felt that I didn’t deserve to have feelings, bc of the shite teenager I was. But I was torn up. I am torn up. Fuck me man, like I found my fucking live journal of all goddamn things, and even things you told me when we were broken up and barely were friends, you were literally one of the best friends I ever fucking had. And I threw that shit away like fucking garbage bc I was a selfish, no good, self centered bitch.

I didn’t go to your memorial at your house. I wanted to. I basically had gotten ready to leave, and backed out. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be welcome. I know that your family didn’t like me literally at all when we finally broke up (obviously for good reason), and I am a perpetual chicken and didn’t go.

Did you know this is how me, and Jay-Z, and DMX reconnected?! I hadn’t talked to Jay-Z in like, fuck 15 years! And DMX as you know basically hides in the darkness of all social media, so I literally hadn’t seen or talked to him since….fuck. 2013. I think I saw you more recently than DMX. I still haven’t gotten up with him bc life, schedules, whatnot. I mean to get up and fall into misledyouth222- land and just falls to the wayside. As you’re familiar.

I had planned on going to your memorial service. I told Jay-Z and DMX they had to go with me. But —- I felt like I shouldn’t. I still didn’t know if I should bc idk how your fam would take seeing this fucking ghost from the past, and I didn’t think it was the time or place. jay-z understood, as he does.

That morning, I went a show at ~*~crappy dive bar in a new crappy hometown~*~, an acoustic set by && lead singer of Americana band&&. I think you’d have liked them, alt country but damn he has a way with words. He was performing his new album before it was released, playing the songs for ppl for the first time. One of the songs was about a friend he had from high school, whom he had lost. When I tell you that I literally broke down in a goddamn dive bar at 1130 in the morning.

Sisqo. You were one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I definitely took you for granted, and I know that now in my (somewhat) wiser age. You were a friend, good person for life, and I fucked that up supremely. I loved you to death, Sisqo. I did. I was a selfish asshole who deserved the dumb poem you wrote and posted on deviant art that I found sophomore year of college bc I was a goddamn weirdo who googled that and literally, deserved every goddam mean thing you said about me. I hope that somewhere down the line, you forgave me.

The last time I saw you, I was sitting at ~*dumb brewery*~ by myself, trying to hook up with another ex from high school bc I was in a newly single (from that asshole you met with the giant head that I almost married but thank god I didn’t bc he may have been the karma I deserved from being such a fucking dumbass for so long) - I was sitting at the bar, alone, and every time you walked by, you made sure I was okay, gave me your dumb big grin, and when I left you told me to be careful, have fun. I gave you a huge hug. I think we ended things finally on an okay note, kid.

There will always be a little Sisqo-sized hole in my heart for you. You were the nicest, sweetest, most patient person I had ever met. You know the shit I went through with other relationships, and you were always there for me. I’ll love you forever.

Also - Im definitely going to use this as a frame of reference when I finally get up with DMX, bc I had started to talk to him about it via text, and you know him, phone advert, said my nervous breakdown was better suited for in person. 😂 and my idiot self deleted my notes app apology. So this rambling bullshit has to do.

Love you, kid ♥️

*names && locations changed to protect the guilty.

[charlie-pippin-faraday]

now i’m still undecided on heather vs. theresa and we’re currently at a 4-4 tie, and i’d love more votes before i make a final decision. but, i did promise some headcanons, so even though i don’t have an official name yet, i’m giving you my headcanons now anyway

so, presenting: my headcanons about Eddie’s mother [this got a little lengthy but i have a lot of thoughts]

She's a fairly young mom. Like, not absurdly young, but definitely on the younger side. Like, I imagine her being like 25/26 when Eddie was born. And she's aged well, too, she looks good for her age

She looks EXACTLY like Eddie. He got EVERY physical trait from his mother and absolutely none from his father. She's got the blonde hair, hazel eyes, similar facial features. Like, you can tell on sight that they're mother and son

She doesn't sell herself as the "cool mom" and she doesn't TRY to be a "cool mom" but she is the cool mom

All of Eddie's friends in America think she's a "hot mom." This also extends to the Anubis gang. The day Jerome and Alfie meet her for the first time they go woah dude you have a hot mum. They bring this up a lot just to drive Eddie nuts. Jerome also threatens to flirt with his mother and become his new step-father, and Eddie seriously considers beating him up on the spot

Also the day Jerome and Alfie learn the phrase "MILF" is the day Eddie stops knowing peace, and he seriously considers throwing himself into the Atlantic Ocean

She is very sharp and smart, but not like a nerd or anything

She's a really big sports fan, and that's the reason why Eddie is super into all the New York sports; she brought him up that way, and he took to it like a fish to water. They love to go to games together

She is really enthusiastic, friendly, and warm. She's definitely a talker. She wants to hear about what's going on in Eddie's life, and she wants him to feel comfortable talking to her about anything

She definitely has a gossipy group of friends, like a book club or something. And she loves to tell them about Patricia and how her son is head-over-heels in love with this incredibly delightful girl

She is an INCREDIBLY patient woman; she has to be to deal with Eddie's anger and abandonment issues and teen rebellion. He acts out and gets in trouble and even gets kicked out of school but she keeps her cool. She's definitely the authority in the house, but she's probably not as tough on him as she has a right to be because she understands. She gets it; he's angry, he's upset, he's going through stuff that most teens don't have to. He needs support much more than he needs discipline

It's really awkward to be a teen boy and have your mom be the one who gets you through puberty and teach you all the growing up stuff, but they did it

She and Eddie are very close. Not like an unhealthy amount, and not to the point where he'd call his mom his "friend," but they are definitely closer than the average mother and son. It was just the two of them growing up in their house, they were all they had, really. Eddie was a complete momma's boy from birth, and still is. Eddie cried the first day of kindergarten when he had to leave her, and she tells Patricia this and Eddie is mortified

Eddie also calls her all the time when he's at school in England

Like Eddie, she was also a troublemaker in her youth; that's where he gets it from. She's adventurous, and she loved to sneak out, have fun, get into trouble. She also loved to instigate fights/drama at like family Thanksgiving and sit back and watch the world burn

Eddie grew up in New York; that's where they lived, they're New Yorkers. But, some time after Eddie goes to college, she moves out of the city and into New Jersey. Eddie sees it as a complete betrayal of "our people."

She hated absolutely every one of Eddie's previous girlfriends/dates before Patricia. She thought all those girls were shallow and dull, and she always thought Eddie could do better

She LOVES Patricia to the end of the earth. Like the SECOND she meets her she thinks "I want her to be my daughter." She loves her fire, she loves every little thing about her personality, but mainly she loves how deeply her son is in love with her; like, she can see that Eddie is absolutely smitten by this girl. And she loves him back, she can see that. She loves Patricia so much that Eddie starts to think she's starting to like Patricia more than him, which bristles the momma's boy just a little bit. She shows Patricia all of Eddie's old embarrassing childhood photos and moments, she joins Patricia in roasting Eddie, and she tells Patricia if there's ever anything she needs or if she just wants to talk she's always just a phone call away (Patricia definitely takes advantage of this offer, often). Patricia reminds her a little bit of herself, which is another reason why she likes her. After they graduate she tries to start manifesting their engagement and put those vibes out into the air

I imagine she met Eric when she was fairly young, early 20s. Here's how I personally imagine it went down: Eric went to New York for some kind of teaching training/program or job opportunity. They met at the New York public library, and a passionate love affair started from there. She thought he was sophisticated and she loved listening to him talk about the things he was passionate about, and they could have smart discussions together. Also she loved his accent. Her family members were not the biggest fans of this relationship: he was a good bit older than her, and he was from another country so they thought he wouldn't stay, and they thought it was moving at an incredibly torrid pace. Being the rebel that she was, she just went "well this just makes me want to do it more." And it did indeed move fast, and things were good for awhile. Until they weren't.

Eric left shortly after Eddie was born. Like, a few months. He just up and left, and she didn't really hear from him again for about 16 years. And she HATED him for it. He left her alone with this new baby. She was MAD and UPSET. Eventually that calmed down to bitterness, but that bitterness never died. She is STILL bitter towards him to this day, and tbh she'll take every chance she can get to be petty to him

Raising Eddie on her own was really hard, and scary. But she bucked up and did it because she loves that boy with her entire heart. Eddie doesn't really recognize it or appreciate it as a child, but when he grows up he calls his mom one of the bravest people he knows

She never got remarried and never even really dated; being a mom was her top priority

She thought the hardest day of her life was the day that Eric left, but no. That wasn't nearly the hardest day of her life. The hardest day of her life was the day child Eddie asked "why don't I have a dad like the other kids at school?" and she had to tell him what happened, or at least as much as he would understand, knowing that it would break his little heart

It was really painful for her to send Eddie off to boarding school in England. It made her really emotional to send him off with his father, who hurt the both of them, and whom she's still really bitter towards. But she knows he deserves the chance to get to know his father. And aside from like summer camps and such, this is the first time he'd be away from her for an extended period of time, and he's so FAR away, like that's her BABY. Her ONLY baby, the most precious thing in her world. She never tells him, but she cries like nobody's business after he gets on that airplane and flies away

She's got this fear that Eddie and his dad are gonna somehow get along SO well that he'll one day change his last name to Sweet. But, when Eddie not only says that that will NEVER happen and he'll stay a Miller, but that Patricia's also gonna take that last name when they get married and they'll be the Millers, she is overjoyed. And she has this feeling of satisfaction and vindication, like she won

[carrotmakar]

What I Wish Just One Person Would Say To Me

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You’re always going to support Harry’s dream, no matter how much it can hurt you at times.

Warning(s): It’s sad overall, so beware of that

A/N: hello again loves!!! @trulylight requested: hey, can you please write something with harry styles based on the song “what i wish just one person would say to me” by LANY? I hope that I did your ask justice!!! I’m not sure exactly what you wanted, of course, but this is how I interpreted the song!!! Okay tbh I don’t really know how I feel about  this :(( but I’m gonna post it anyway and I hope that someone enjoys this!!!

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Reblogs help a lot and are greatly appreciated!!

*

You and Harry have been dating since before everything in his life flipped upside down. Since the ripe old age of fifteen, you’ve been able to call him yours. Alongside his mother, you encouraged him to take the chance with the X Factor. You distinctly remember telling him that the worst they could do is say no, and regardless of the outcome, you’d be there to support him with any and everything that he wanted to do.

Turns out that going on that show was the best thing for him. The band was formed and he turned into an international pop star overnight. At first, you had been worried about what would happen with the two of you. You couldn’t see where you fit into the equation of his new life. You knew just how many people had begun to want him, and you constantly found yourself wondering when the breakup call was going to come. You hated thinking things like that, but with him constantly climbing up in the world, there seemed like less and less of a chance of the two of you staying together.

Harry had other plans for the two of you, however. He shut down those thoughts the moment that he found out about them. He assured you that there was no one else for him, that there was nobody he would rather have. He promised you that no matter where he was in the world, he was yours and you were his. And although it probably shouldn’t have, his words easily brought you peace.

Now, ten years later, you’re not sure what life would be like if you weren’t directly connected to Harry Styles. Life has been a rollercoaster, with plenty of ups and downs, but there’s nothing about it that you would change. Regardless of how many bad days there were, you get to come home and spend your time with the man that you’re head over heels in love with, so really, there’s nothing that can bring you down. 

Harry’s kept your head up for years, even when things felt like they were too much to handle. When there were articles about you that weren’t very flattering, when the hate messages started, when he went on tour and you felt like you were alone in the world, he still managed to find a way to make you feel better. He was the rock that kept you grounded in this hectic lifestyle. 

Even though your life can be an absolute mess at times, there’s no one else you’d rather spend it with. There’s no one else that you’d want to navigate this crazy world with.

There’s just something about Harry that makes you feel complete and secure. There had always felt like there was something missing in your life, but the moment Harry waltzed in and stole your heart, everything felt complete. 

There’s nothing more in this world that you could ask for. All you want to do is spend the rest of your life with him. Not a day goes by that you don’t yearn for the ability to just be around him every day.

In the life that you live, however, that’s not realistic. Being around Harry every single day isn’t something that’s achievable. You may be the love of his life, but music and touring? That’s a major part of his life as well. 

Sometimes it’s hard, not being able to have a “normal relationship” but after you think about it, you’d never want what people think of as a normal relationship over the one that you already have. 

You’re well aware of the fact that Harry can’t just stay with you all the time. He needs more than that to truly be happy, and you’re okay with that. It’s hard sometimes. It hurts more often than not to be away from him for so long, but you’ve become so used to it that you don’t even question it anymore.

You’ve always known that Harry needed more than the small town that you grew up in to be happy. He’s always been too big for that place, and you simply can’t try to hinder the opportunities that life throws at him.

No matter how much pain that him being away for months at a time causes you, there’s no way that you could just give up on him. You’re here for everything, for better or for worse, so you’re not just going to up and leave because things are a little hard on your end. 

You went through this for five continuous years while he was in One Direction, so there’s no doubt in your mind that there’s a way for you to get through it for a few months to a year. It’s not like he completely drops off the face of the earth when he’s gone. The two of you still talk on the phone and text each other. There’s never been a day go by where you didn’t hear at least something from him.

The both of you try your best to be as close to each other as possible, regardless of the fact that he’s normally in another country while on tour. 

As you’re sitting on the bed next to Harry, he’s packing for his next tour. This time, though, he seems to be more worried about the months to come than you are.

“Look, love, anytime you need anything, I’m just a call away, okay?” He turns to look at you and the desperation written on his face makes you want to curl up in him and never have him leave.

“Harry, I’ve told you for the last time, I’ll be fine.” He sighs, shaking his head.

“I know, I just feel bad for leaving you again.” A soft smile graces your face at his words.

“I’ll be perfectly okay, baby. I’ll be right here watching you take on the world.” He moves closer to you and wraps his arms around you.

“I know you’ll be okay, but I also know how much you hate being alone for months at a time.” 

“Hey, listen to me, okay? It’s the same as any other time you’ve been on tour. I’ll hold down the fort at home while you go out and live your dream.”

“I don’t want you to have to stay here all alone though, dove. Doesn’t seem fair.” You begin running your hands through his messy ringlets.

“What about it isn’t fair? I have a job here to do, just like you have a job to do. Yours just requires you traveling around the world.” 

“Just seems wrong to leave you here.”

You sigh. “Listen, you have to go on tour, there’s nothing that can change that. I’m fine staying here as long as I know that you’re coming home at some point, okay? I’m happy that you get to do this.”

He pulls back from you for a moment, planting a light peck on your cheek before burying his face back into your neck.

*

It’s been three months since Harry left for tour, and as much as you truly are happy for him, you were having a progressively harder time with being completely content with the entire situation. The longer that he’s gone, the more you seem to lose your way without him with you every day. This happens every time that he goes on tour, regardless of how long that he’s gone. For the first few months, everything’s jumbled up and it’s hard for you to completely adapt to him being gone.

He’s only been gone for a fraction of the time that he has to be, but you can’t help but feel like it’s been years. Every time that he’s home for an extended period of time and then leaves again, it hits you hard just how much that you love him. He’s everything that you’ve ever wanted and everything that you’ll ever need. Being without him feels like torture, and you silently wish to yourself every day that he could have a career doing what he loves, but without having to leave so often.

As soon as the thought comes into your mind, though, you quickly rid it from your thoughts. He’s living his dream and you can’t be anything but happy for him.

Shaking those thoughts from your mind doesn’t stop others from taking root in your brain, though. The most adamant one being that you wish he’d just run back home to hold you and comfort you, even if it was only for the night.

As much as you wish for it, though, you know that he can’t just do that. So instead of holding him as you fall asleep every night, you fall asleep holding his pillow as he talks you to sleep over the phone.

*

Okay so I’m not sure how to feel about this but I hope that it’s good!!! 

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*

[guiltycorp]

Playing Genshin for a couple of weeks now and I have some thoughts about Mondstadt, its seeming prosperity, and criminal elements!! Also dunking on Diluc a little bit lol. I'm not even going to touch hilichurls, they're probably the one issue I expect the game to come back to in time! They seem to be an intelligent race that was cursed and so we might get some sad backstory and realize that we've been assholes to them, not 100% sure but hopefully. Other than hilichurls and the Fatui (and yeahhh so fun to make russians into villains, im guessing it's for attracting the american audience or something... at least the characters are interesting enough), there are also Treasure Hoarders, who in the archive are mainly described as workers who lost their jobs or some other manner of poor people who turned to looting and crime out of desperation. And yet the angle is that 'thieving is always morally wrong'. Somebody didn't read Les Mis, I guess! Another note, there seems to be a weird gameplay and story segregation where we as the Traveler do lots of looting and treasure hunting ourselves only to be commended for it. But I digress. My actual point is that interestingly enough those elements of worldbuilding come together pretty well when you look at the city itself!   In Mondstadt it is most difficult to become a small business owner, made all the more obvious when compared to Liyue's wealth of shops, services, and traveling traders (Liyue has its own baggage of problems which tbh seem more serious to me but that's another topic). It's just not the most profitable occupation! Almost everyone we see out on the streets does their own resource supply, production, and service. Naturally, this means that those people don't earn enough to hire their own workers. In turn, that means that there are no jobs to be found in those places. So, where are all the jobs? For that we have the Dawn Winery, the Knights of Favonius, and the option to leave for Springvale to become a hunter or go to a different country altogether. The winery is described as the city's most powerful industry both for local consumption and export, but how does it actually treat its workers? Well, for example there's Patton who accidentally broke a bottle of expensive wine and is now basically an indentured servant to Diluc. He says that even if he worked without any breaks he still would need 48 years to pay off his debt. We can meet his daughter near Venti's statue who has to play by herself because her father is always working. Does that really seem like freedom to you? There's also Guy's father who works at the winery itself and can't afford to rest even when he is heavily sick and old. These are the worst examples for sure but others also have their own smaller problems like Charles who confides in us that he often feels tired and only takes nights off when Diluc is in a mood to tend the bar himself etc.  It is kind of telling that we don't have the option of engaging with their problems and we can't really talk to Diluc about it either. For all that he defends the city each night, he shows no interest in defending his own workers from his business's predatory tactics. To say nothing of the great damage he does to the adult populace of the city, always supplying alcohol and tempting people with deals and sales when there are already too many drunkards even among the named characters. When the opposing tavern (which also only has Diona for a bartender even when her own father has alcohol dependence) chose to present a non-alcoholic beverage during the holiday Angel’s Share doubled down on alcohol. And it doesn't even have snacks? This one bit was probably just for joke purposes, but tbh it's pretty dangerous to drink without any snacks at all, it makes sense why people get so heavily drunk in the first place. Note that Diluc himself doesn’t drink, showing good judgment when it comes to himself. Meanwhile the only person Diluc seemingly has no problem cutting off is Kaeya and it’s not obvious whether that’s out of concern or pettiness. Nobody is cutting off Nimrod who is ruined by his addiction! Now this is probably the core reason why Nimrod turned to crime, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he and his wife are dependant on Kaeya who at the very least knows to appreciate his informants. Kaeya himself is also a gleeful enabler, by the way, which makes sense considering his uh.. everything. And his upbringing at the Dawn Winery didn’t hurt, no surprise why he’s so keen on wine himself. He might be shrewd and oh so clever when it comes to getting information in taverns, but his story details and voice lines confirm that there actually is a problem even if we don’t know the full scope of it.  Now, the Knights of Favonius? Aside from being corrupt in the past they happen to hire minors (we can read that in their handbook) whom they don't even pay. What's that, free labor for the simplest of tasks? Makes sense why some of the adult knights laze about if all the work gets done by minors or the more focused and accomplished senior knights with Visions. That's a wonky structure for sure. Guy tells us that he became a squire at 16 and still has the boring job of guarding the back gates despite repeatedly showing signs of great dissatisfaction. I wouldn't be surprised if he betrays us later or something, honestly. Maybe Kaeya is preparing him for double agent work, who knows. Right now he has no opportunities for climbing the career ladder to take better care of his sick father, stuck in a pointless job for months. And that's a talented and focused young man! what about regular folk? Well. In the end, regular people have several options. They can give up and overwork themselves while spending nights looking for coins in the wishing fountain to try and scrape enough for their sister’s medicine. They can go to the Adventurers' Guild which has highly dangerous commissions with the most profitable ones taken on by Fischl and other professionals, hardly a dependant job for a regular person. There’s also Church which we know very little about. Likely it's dependant on taxes and donations and it’s the one organization that cares about the orphans of the city (no, keeping Klee in solitary doesn’t count as caring, Knights of Favonius!). There’s Springvale for hunters, farmers and chefs, a difficult lifestyle to maintain when the hunting grounds are in one of the Four Winds’ domains with strangely intelligent wolves.  And then there’s the other more accessible and obvious option! You guessed it, it’s crime!!  And there it is, the reason why there's such a big problem with bandits and overworked people in Mondstadt :)  Honestly after writing all that down, if I were to RP a normal person in Mondstadt I’d try to get into the Treasure Hoarders guild at like 5 years old I think. Better than standing around watching random people kill my pigeons anyway. Tbh this is less of a 'makes you think huh!!' take and more of a commendation towards the writers of the game. They obviously have a more conservative outlook if they're so keen on condemning the thieves who have to steal in order to survive, but the world itself makes a lot of sense. It makes the game a lot of fun to explore.

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

#i wonder what your thoughts on diaspora in hetalia are#cause its a pretty interesting topic (the post in question)

@urmomsstuntdouble a collection of things that I think about on a semi-regular basis below the cut (also thank you for the tags!)

Disclaimer: I think this turned into more of a discussion of immigration and immigrants, but I hope this strikes your fancy anyways 😅. Also this got SO LONG and I explained quite a bit of history (because idk whether anyone knows much about this), so the key thoughts will be bolded!

My thoughts are kinda complicated about this tbh; it’s weird, because if China really did exist as a personification in real life, we’d probably both be judging each other, just for different reasons 😅.

General Hetalia Cases

I think when discussing immigrants/diaspora, you have to think about why different immigrants left. @cupofkey kinda discussed that a while ago (if anyone hasn’t seen this superb post, GO READ IT NOW) about the Vietnamese diaspora, and I think there’s some of that in every country. How do the immigrants feel about the home country? Why did they leave: because of hard times, poverty? Political instability/revolution/war? Opportunities overseas? Are they doing well in their new home, or still struggling? Does their new country treat them like foreigners or outcasts, unworthy of even arriving, or doing anything besides menial labor, or have they been welcomed (rather unlikely)? Do they hate their home country (politically), or miss them? Would they ever go back, not just to visit family or the place of their birth, but to return permanently?

I think on the whole, hetalia nations would still maintain a connection to their immigrants, especially since most are still in touch with their culture, although they’ve crossed borders or changed nationalities. (However, the angst of not being as in touch with your culture as you think you should is so real; would our home countries be disappointed? Or do they sympathize, somehow?) In the end, we’re all the same that way. Plus, the alternative thought of them just disowning immigrants feels weird; I don’t even know how that would be possible. But I think that connection gets complicated by the reason people left, and their feelings for their place of origin; I’ll be using APH China and Chinese Americans as an example to discuss this hksdgsdf (sorry I don’t want to do more research than necessary and I have Thoughts about this)

**OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER that immigration/diaspora discussions are almost always case by case and will vary greatly based on things like country of origin/race/ethnicity, country immigrated to, initial socioeconomic status, time period, etc. And even among diaspora, people can and will have vastly different experiences, and it’s not good to generalize. These are just some thoughts with one example.**

1. Waves of Immigration 

Depending on when people arrive, they’ve got different push/pull factors drawing them to a country and it also factors into how the nation feels about them and vice versa... Chinese immigration to the US has mostly two major waves (you could also say there were 3, counting the post-WWII/Communist China wave, but I won’t talk about that): one in the mid 1800s and the other after the 1970s/1980s into modern day; the gap is because the Chinese Exclusion Act (1882) that banned most immigration from China wasn’t repealed until 1943 (because of Japan’s attack on the US in WWII, the US needed China as an ally).

IMMIGRATION WAVE 1: MID 1800s

These immigrants were mostly from southern China (Canton area), and they came to the US because of hard times (Opium Wars + political instability because of things like the Taiping Rebellion) and economic opportunity in the West (eg. Gold Rush (San Francisco is literally “Old Gold Mountain” in Chinese today) + industrialization, railroads, expansion etc.). There was Much Discrimination against those immigrants, and many worked as hard laborers in a variety of occupations (on railroads, gold mine, farms (in the South esp), laundry businesses; there were merchants as well, but they were the minority); many were looking to get some money that they could send back to their families in China and planned to return, but over time, they settled down and stayed. I think for those immigrants, Yao would definitely be understanding, even if he might not be empathetic. After all, he’s not thriving at that time either, and although he thinks Alfred is inferior to him (in many ways), he understands why people would be drawn by economic promise and quick wealth, even if it might not be the best strategy for getting rich. It’s not like staying in China would be better lmao. However, I don’t think he would approve (?) how many of his immigrants stayed in the US when most viewed it as a temporary move; I think Yao is very surprised by how so many of them persisted to carve out a home there, despite the discrimination and limited opportunities. Perhaps he admires their resilience, the creation of Chinatowns and community and how they still come to a country that doesn’t even let them in (see the San Francisco Fire of 1906 and the boon for paper sons), but still wishes they would come back, however unlikely that hope is. Personally, Yao would never be able to stay in Alfred’s country, the beautiful country, if Alfred’s hypocrisy prevented his experience, his immigrant’s experience, from being anything close to beautiful. (You were founded by immigrants and foreigners, but now you spurn them: the poor sojourners who continue to flee to your shores, and refuse them respite from the disasters at home.) And anyways, Alfred is just the next scrappy young upstart, barely 70 years old but with a swagger like he rules the world; how could he have something over himself, the Middle Kingdom, who has stood the test of time? (Admittedly, he’s doing nowhere as well as Alfred—even he can see that, despite his pride, and despite the haze of opium in his brain. Leaving is the logical, objectively sound choice. Still, his pride hurts vaguely when he thinks how his immigrants keep choosing a country that keeps rejecting them, over and over again, instead of himself. But it is no matter. The injury to his ego is inconsequential and easily brushed aside; for they are still his people, and they deserve a good life, wherever they are. His distaste for Alfred flares up again: Arthur’s bastard child, who takes advantage of his trade (see the Open Door Notes, 1899-1900), but refuses his people.)

if anyone wants more context or is interested in the history I mentioned, I highly recommend this pdf (from the book A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America by Ronald Takaki)

IMMIGRATION FROM 1949 TO 1980: according to Wikipedia, there was very little immigration from mainland China during this period due to the Cold War and China becoming Communist; most of the immigration was from Taiwan/ROC but counted in the quota for China. Since there’s a separate Hetalia personification for TWN, I’m not going to go over that. However, there were also many people from Mainland China who escaped to Hong Kong, still a British colony, during that period (I hope it’s clear why, but if anyone asks I’ll put it in a separate post); some stayed there, while others emigrated to the US; both trips were for more freedoms and a better life etc because China was really really messed up for a bit (also keep in mind the people emigrating all had the means to and were at least middle class, usually somewhat educated, etc.). I will not be talking about that group either because I don’t think it’s my place to, but please know they exist as well.

IMMIGRANT WAVE 2: 1980s ONWARD

A lot of people came from mainland China for education; there was also an. exodus of intellectuals following 1989 (which I Will Not get into). Many of these people sought job opportunities, like those that rapidly opened up in the computer industry, there are many students who come here to study abroad, who take SATs and TOEFLs to get into good US colleges or to conduct graduate research and get PhDs; some stay, others have gone back to like, advance China’s development (this sentiment of getting good students to go abroad and then go back to China to use their talents for Patriotic Purposes isn’t a new thing, stretches back to like the late 1800s). I don’t really have much to say about this group besides what’s below ↓. 

2. Immigrant Thoughts On Their Home Country

more complicated, because it varies by generation and time period and probably 203943 other things. Mainlanders that came over starting in the 1990s till now have relatively positive feelings towards China (imo, extrapolating from my life experiences); I think part of that is also because most* of these immigrants aren’t really escaping from something? They’re coming for an education/job opportunities (students studying abroad in the US (留学生 or liuxuesheng) for graduate school or university come to mind as one example), and they’re still very much connected to China politically and culturally, sometimes* more so than to the US. For these immigrants, I think Yao doesn’t worry too much about them? They’re pretty successful* overall*, and discrimination, although still A Large Problem™, isn’t the same from stuff that Yao (or his immigrants) remember from, say the mid 1800s (see above), or even during the paranoia about Communists after WWII and the subsequent Chinese Confession Program that made many people really scared of being deported. (Red China made Chinese Americans a target of the Communist panic, and the confession program was instated in order to make sure Communist spies couldn’t infiltrate the US. Those who immigrated illegally could confess that and gain citizenship; however you also had to weed out everyone you knew who also immigrated illegally.) I think Yao would see them as an extension of himself in a different land; they’re very much still part of him, and he gives them his well wishes.

However, I think that immigrants born in the US in modern day at least (1990s onwards) are definitely more ambivalent about China’s legacy + modern day Issues™, as much as we are connected via culture and heritage. Not quite sure how Yao would feel about that, because I’m not quite sure how much Yao is the state and how much he represents the people. However, I think there would be some mutual unease; does he see this as betrayal of some kind? Perhaps he doesn’t blame us for feeling as we do? Maybe he wonders what we feel about him; maybe he doesn’t want to know. Maybe he chooses the easier route: to focus on the bonds between him and his huayi instead of the grievances, and leave the rest unsaid. 

Additionally with first gen immigrants, there’s the conflicting feeling of being stuck between two worlds and value systems that oppose each other in many respects. Also there’s sometimes a feeling of not-quite-being-in-touch-with-your-culture (in other diaspora as well, ofc. here it’s often exemplified by forgetting or not knowing how to read and write Chinese proficiently, among other things 🙃); idk. does Yao see that as a bit of a disappointment? Would he wish us to try harder? Does he view it as inevitable, for those raised in the US; the environment is too different, and perhaps he won’t blame us for those differences, or shortcomings. Does Yao know, or care, about the racism? What about his immigrants who try to assimilate completely into American culture, who try to erase the Chinese part of their identity? Those that have tried it, but regretted it? Are they still his, when they have tried rejecting their connection to him, choosing to drop the “Chinese” from Chinese American? Does he consider racism when thinking about them? What about international adoptees? Does he claim them, when some have not been raised in a culturally Chinese environment, and when it’s still a sensitive subject on both sides of the ocean? I don’t have answers to many of these questions.

There are also immigrants who fled China because of war or persecution or upheaval, (one example is with regards to the Cultural Revolution), but I don’t feel qualified to discuss it here, and I don’t want to take it lightly.

But, despite everything I’ve discussed above, I’d like to think that however an immigrant feels about their home country or however long they’ve been there, all nation personifications would still wish them a better life (even Yao). I mean, it’s not always easy being an immigrant/part of a diaspora (especially when race becomes a factor). I really don’t think any of the hetalia characters would say “look at your struggles. What a mistake it was to immigrate somewhere where you still face so many challenges, although they might be different from the ones back home”. that’s just No. Also, I think that when you disregard sentimentality and their inherent connection to the people, countries would still be able to sympathize with people trying to strive for better, you know? People immigrate for a better life, whether it’s because it was getting rough when they left or because other places had more potential, and like. although nation-people can’t leave their own country, I think they understand the people who do, because it’s a chance to make a new life, and it would be unkind, counterproductive, limiting, to prevent someone from taking that opportunity if it came. And their children, and grandchildren; they are still connected to their origins even in a new country, by blood if nothing else, and nations are people too; they must have some sentimentality for their people born in a different land. I’d like to think that if Yao met a Chinese American kid running around San Francisco’s Chinatown, or bumped into an ABC high schooler in a well to do Massachusetts suburb, he’d stop and nod and maybe say hello, and wish them luck, wherever they go in the future. After all, they are the products of his immigrant’s hopes and dreams, and they are his too, as much as they live in Alfred’s land.

* (asterisks): this is a) from my experience and research; not everyone will have the same experiences! please keep this in mind and don’t generalize a very vast group of people. :)

Idk if that was too sentimental or rambly or something, but yeah, those are some of the things I consider when I think about nations and their diasporas. If you made it down here, thanks for reading! I greatly appreciate it. Also I hope I got all my facts correct, but if anyone spots anything incorrect, especially regarding the post 1980s immigration wave, please tell me! Tried doing my research but there are still a few things I’m unsure about rip. 

This might be deleted tomorrow because I’m feeling weird about it, but feel free to reblog! I’d also very much love some feedback too if any of y’all are feeling up to it

[sayitaliano]

Follow up to the previous question about foreigners: what kind of jobs do Americans/foreigners typically get when they move to Italy? Any tips about actually making it happen?

Ciao!

It really depends, especially nowadays. You can theorically try to apply for whatever you want, but remember that first the economical recession and now the covid, are making things hard for many (Italians and not, appliers and job givers too). Not to mention how some workers are treated in random factories or job places (but I guess it's not happening only in Italy).

Ofc, if you want to aim to certain positions in specific companies, it depends on your curriculum/studies. E.g. You might have studied to work for a Consulate or whatever else. Notice that sadly not all the Universities abroad release a degree certificate that is useful also in our country (and this is true also in the opposite way: not all our degree certificates/studies are valid abroad). I remember a Romanian guy I met some years ago: he graduated as an architect in his country, but could only work as a construction worker here (I think he could have studied a little more here to get a valid degree certificate, but he decided it was better to work - I'm not sure how this certificates-thing works though, so please take this info with the benefit of the doubt and be patient with me. I'll try to find more resources, if you want me to. Or if someone else knows better, please leave a comment, thank you!).

This said, it's also a matter of will (as everywhere, I think): you might need to adapt to jobs that aren't really your cup of tea, especially at first. Shop assistant (customer service person, salesperson), barman/barmaid, receptionist, doctor, warehouse worker, shelf-stacker, construction worker, bouncer, security guard, gardener, translator (esp. books), interpreter, caregiver, teacher (esp. your language), cashier, farmer, house cleaner, mail carrier, waste collector, but also jobs in which you can work in contact with other Nations' clients (manager/foreign trader): knowing two languages and the market/culture of the target Nations of your company could be a + point for you. I think these are probably some of the most common occupations foreigners might get (at least, for what I know/see). But I'm sure there are also other fields in which foreigners work here: as I said, it can really be whatever. It depends on you, how much you believe you can do something, how much you work for that, and... luck (sadly - I mean, meeting the right person, the one that wants to give you a good job opportunity, is a good boost. Not just working your way out to get it. And this is true for foreigners but Italians too).

All I can say, which is what I've been told myself, is to never give up and keep on trying and applying for your dream job (or come up with something yourself). No matter how many doors closed you will get, one day you'll make it. One way or the other. (I'm a little disappointed about making a job happen TBH, so yeah, take this with all the positivity and luck I can send you and all the ones searching for a job).

[punkscowardschampions]

Mattie & Lulu & Dolly (mostly)

PlanityPlan: Okay, so we wanna get down what Mattie, Lulu and Dolly are like, that’s the main point

PlanityPlan: but then we wanna pinpoint the time of this reunion for their storyline together, so we can then say what Jay is up to, Beckett not really ‘cos he’s a child but we could also say what we wanna do with you eventually here because we are planning to use him but yes, kind of unrelated but not

PlanityPlan: So it’s like, individual story, what they’re like, the lives they’re living, and then the storyline we’ll do with them together

PlanityPlan: OKAY so Mattie doing an accelerated 2-year Maths and Computer Science degree at Greenwich (57, 58) and then her PGCE which takes a year and in this year you do 2 school placements, 2nd placement at the girl's new school after gay teacher drama in Surval, so this 2nd meeting after first failed attempt at contact, in 59

PlanityPlan: Basically, energy being, making contact before starting Uni and the twins are like nah and then we show up at their new school (accidentally) and the twins relationship has suffered so now we have an in

PlanityPlan: OKAY OKAY so Mattie reaches out Summer 57, she's about to start Uni, the twins are 14 and just finished year 10, 58 teacher stuff to happen and come out year 11, 59 we move to new school year 12, Mattie starts placement too

Junie B Jones: The school I found for the twins is called Surval Montreux in Montreux Switzerland and they’d have been going there from age 12 (and leaving at 19) it’s obviously an international school but there’s a heavy focus on French in lessons as obviously because English is usually a 2nd language, but don’t even worry ladies cos there is only a maximum of 10 girls (cos it’s only gals) in your classes and 60 in the entire school

Junie B Jones: worth noting the finishing school bit from 17-19 cos your mother would love that for you and you can share a room no problem as it’s usually 2 or 3 anyways

PlanityPlan: So, do we be evil and say they have to share with another poor gal?

PlanityPlan: ‘cos we could run with that

Junie B Jones: that poor girl requesting a transfer cos they are so odd hahaha but yeah I say there’s potential there even if it was only for a while like maybe it’s lowkey a version of how they put me and Trace in separate classes cos the teachers are like UM

PlanityPlan: I see that, forcing you to stay involved, ‘cos with 60 people you’d have to be all up in each other’s business, like you’re for sure meant to see the teachers as friends/fam too

Junie B Jones: the website was very culty and that energy

PlanityPlan: which brings me to my first idea ‘cos I think it works on many levels beyond being a cliche

PlanityPlan: Okay so, I thought it’d be interesting to have a secret between them ‘cos how hard it’d be to keep

PlanityPlan: and then I thought that it’d be hilarious karma if Dolly had an affair with a female teacher but we actually let it go there

PlanityPlan: ‘cos it’d be a massive scandal even your parents can’t ignore and the girl gives off some gay vibes and it’d be like, a thing they can’t share in if Lulu isn’t gay like we share a boyfriend but we’re not sharing this teacher moment

PlanityPlan: and it’d probably get you both kicked out so we can time it when we want it and Chloe would be fuming about this lesbianism lmao

PlanityPlan: so with the whole culty school like this would be NEWS ‘cos they’re tight with the teachers clearly so it’s like ARE THEY ALL BEING GROOMED lmao

Junie B Jones: Lulu gives off the straightest vibes EVER so I am down & also the vibe that she would love that culty school

PlanityPlan: right so not only have you kept a love affair and gay from me, you’ve also ruined our school moment, it’d really shake them and their weird twin energy to it’s core, which is the fun of it all obvs

Junie B Jones: I see now why you agreed to share a boyfriend hun, also the potential for her to have a gay awakening with the roommate so hitting all those cliches

PlanityPlan: right, I’m not being gross but it’s true that all-girls school girls experiment together, facts, like Lulu probably joined it with it too but it’s like oh you actually like girls for real

PlanityPlan: but if Dolly isn’t just then living her best gay life and is trying to get shit back to how it was, I think it makes it different

Junie B Jones: the tea and also it seems like the kind of school where a teacher would go there, especially if it’s a younger/artsy one like that film Cracks that Imogen Poots was in, soz Nancy but most teachers won’t

PlanityPlan: it’s a cliche with posh schools for a reason, the bond is closer by the fact there’s not 30 kids in a classroom, there’s more opportunity for it to happen because you have actual relationships with all your teachers, whereas in normal schools they barely know your name lol

Junie B Jones: gross but necessary question being how long do you see the relationship spanning in secret before the big reveal

PlanityPlan: it should probably be somewhere between enough that it’s an actual thing that happened and not like, it happened once, like the teacher probably thinks they’re gonna be together if she doesn’t go to jail lol, but not so long that it is like, how’d you not know

PlanityPlan: it’ll be fun to like, play out, see how long we feasibly could

PlanityPlan: and if Lulu finds out before EVERYONE finds out, then she has to decide what to do with this info for a bit too, which would also be good

Junie B Jones: I love that because the twin vibe is very much like oh we can read each other’s minds haha bitch you thought

Junie B Jones: totally can picture Lulu snitching on you ngl gal

PlanityPlan: accidentally fucking yourself over when they kick the lot of yas out, a mood

PlanityPlan: NEW CO-ED SCHOOL IN SURREY, STILL BOARDING

PlanityPlan: maybe Lulu does care more about school in general, but also specifically that school and being one of the girls forever

PlanityPlan: ‘cos then it’s gonna be hard to win her back when you end up in another school, with boys dundundun

Junie B Jones: she very much comes across like that to me, not only because she’s clearly the clingy controlling twin here but I think she clearly likes how small and family like this school is trying to be cos of how chaotic and lacking their home life is, she’s definitely scared of boys & navigating socialising with them without making a tit of herself because of how little dealings she’s had so it’s gonna be a SHOCK

Junie B Jones: dobbing her sister in because 1. You think the teacher will get sacked and it’ll be over 2. You think you can score some points back and stay in the school’s good books

PlanityPlan: It’s honestly sad how much sense it makes, like you really buy all in with the family vibes and then ya twin fucks it all up, rude

Junie B Jones: okay idk how plausible this is but remember in Wild Child aka the greatest film of all time that boy is like the headteacher’s son, what if the boyfriend (Danny Griffin is his IRL name but I’ll give you a french af one in character boy) they share is like the son of someone who works at the school (obvs he doesn’t go there but like he’d have to live nearby and generally loiter) which is part of the reason Lulu picks him cos all the girls would want to but also she could tell him something about this and he’s like UM you have to dob her in

PlanityPlan: I see that, they can’t all be spinsters like this is an enid, they’d have families and stuff, I can vibe it because again, a thing if there’s any male in the vicinity we all lose our minds lol

Junie B Jones: and like obvs that’s why she got with him but there’s potential for an actual relationship to form with this boy on some level if we want

PlanityPlan: Yes, maybe you actually like him, because clearly Dolly doesn’t, have him to yourself hun, but also then you’ll have to move so rude

PlanityPlan: Another reason to be fuming when you were the clingy twin before, role reversal

Junie B Jones: and another reason to not want to leave because I can’t imagine that your parents will move you to another school in Switzerland because it’s tiny and the scandal so literally in a different country

PlanityPlan: yeah, we’d probably move you to the uk like we’re going to be more involved like doubt that lads but you know

Junie B Jones: my thoughts exactly

PlanityPlan: so the question is do we want to do this before Mattie gets in contact or after

PlanityPlan: I’m leaning towards before so then 1. You’ve got a chance of getting in but 2. You can also help or not help them get on better terms, whatever we vibe

Junie B Jones: maybe when she first gets in contact it’s a secret still so we get the best of the both worlds, cos like you’re gonna get stonewalled then hun but when it all pops off you can be there

Junie B Jones: just cos I’m thinking if it’s all happened by the time they’re 16 that’s slightly drama but then again we’ve done worse lol

PlanityPlan: That’s a good idea, it makes the most of it for sure

PlanityPlan: I’m not sure what the age of consent is but that might affect how in deep shit this teacher gets

Junie B Jones: it’d be a way to show how their dynamic and relationship changes from a POV that isn’t just their own

PlanityPlan: for sure and then we can have the outcome be not just down to their new school and their parentals

Junie B Jones: poor Mattie getting way more drama than she expected

Junie B Jones: are you having her go to a UK uni because obviously relevant because this isn’t getting resolved in a summer hol

PlanityPlan: I’m kind of vibing no uni, honestly

PlanityPlan: because a lot of gen 4 do go and it isn’t the only option

Junie B Jones: love that for her tbh

PlanityPlan: So yeah, you’ll be around for sure

Junie B Jones: do you have a job/career in mind yet?

PlanityPlan: not really, like I see you being a bit lost in that sense, which is fine because you’ve got a lot in other respects and you’re looked after, but it’s definitely a vibe of not knowing what you want to do, but not just doing uni ‘cos as most people in that situ do, so you probably have lots of random jobs

Junie B Jones: that’s legit cos loads of people don’t know what they wanna do but don’t have the luxury of taking time to figure it out but she does & lowkey it doesn’t matter if she never does cos like you said she’s fine in a lot of other ways

PlanityPlan: like I won’t let you be insufferable with it and not work and just bum about but you’re just striking me as work-driven, which a lot of characters are again, so I’m not mad

Junie B Jones: I like it

PlanityPlan: So it’s just working out what your actual main motivation is, which I think could be tied into getting in contact with this fam

PlanityPlan: as we’re saying Jay doesn’t really want to, so it’s a difference there

PlanityPlan: and it’ll be good to have it not a total failure if you do make something with the twins but we know you won’t with Chloe so there’s the struggle with that

Junie B Jones: it pleases me because the obvious and cliche thing to do would be to have Jay be the one trying to do this as she actually has memories of and issues with Chlo whereas Mattie is basically Ava’s child

PlanityPlan: and I don’t think it resembles like, Edie’s feelings about Drew and Caleb etc either, it’s not like I NEED you to be my mum because you biologically are

PlanityPlan: it’s just lowkey a curiosity like, people can’t just vanish from our lives like that, like what are they doing, ‘cos you know their main house is still in London too, like it’s just like, why shouldn’t I look into this

Junie B Jones: agreed, it’s not coming from a place of having a deficit, she’s happy and has everything she needs in that sense, so it makes sense for her to only gain from it

PlanityPlan: and it is naive but that is how I vibe her being in a not really annoying way lol, not a jaded character though

PlanityPlan: and it will be shit when Chloe is Chloe but it won’t destroy her or anything it’s just like oh god, what is wrong with her though

Junie B Jones: and that’ll strengthen her relationship with Jay because she doesn’t wanna talk about all of that and you’ll get why in a way that you can’t unless you experience the crazy that is Chloe for yourself

PlanityPlan: exactly, like that can be a source of strain between you when you’re first deciding to do this

PlanityPlan: and you’d give Chloe a few chances ‘cos like I said you aren’t looking for a mum so you’d be trying to lowkey work it out and being empathetic so she’d probably actually love that ‘cos she’s a narcissist so it’d be a bit dicey

PlanityPlan: suddenly wants to tell you every drama in her life like poor me

Junie B Jones: how real

PlanityPlan: ‘cos you can think you’re like objective and just putting the mystery together but you’re gonna get dragged in, clearly

PlanityPlan: especially combine this with the twin drama which you do genuinely care about

Junie B Jones: mhmm, Lulu is gonna drag you in gal, not like she can bring these emotions and drama to her new school when it’s a scandal and this is supposed to be a fresh start

PlanityPlan: which is what you were warned about/one of the reasons we left it ‘til you were grown but you’ll have to work this all out, which will be good

PlanityPlan: ‘cos you can’t be dealing with your younger sister’s drama instead of living your own life but clearly at a point here we are ‘cos bit lost

Junie B Jones: you’re so clever boo, this is such a good idea that flows

PlanityPlan: heheh, I think it makes sense if you’ve had such a chill upbringing and the twins have not that this chaos can take over your life and drag you in

PlanityPlan: I’d like to think we all get to a healthy place gals but we’ll see tbh

PlanityPlan: as for who Dolly is… I think she never bought into the school as hard, like it’s probably better than home, not that we’d know, but we’re not like omg this is IT

PlanityPlan: same with the boyfriend clearly, none of it is as real but the twin bond is so like may as well until the gay drama comes along

PlanityPlan: but then that’s lowkey over before it’s begun so then we go into overdrive of trying to win her back

Junie B Jones: which Lulu is not having sis

PlanityPlan: like in reality we should accept our truth and start working on separate personalities but we’re like no no

Junie B Jones: potential for how far aka too far she can try and take winning her back, like that creepy book energy

PlanityPlan: deffo, like we’ll have to think of ways but if we’re going all-in on this, there isn’t reason not to

PlanityPlan: ‘cos we don’t care about school or whatever mum and dad are saying or doing

Junie B Jones: not gonna kill you off gal but oh the possibilities for danger cos lbr your grandparents can’t stop you either clearly

PlanityPlan: bless them they’re alright people but obvs a bit useless for all this to happen lmao

Junie B Jones: hence I vibe that Lulu totally walks all over/ has them wrapped around her little finger like Chloe did but more subtly because she has no nuance

PlanityPlan: deffo, oh lads

Junie B Jones: which is a shame when they could literally give you the family energy you want without need for a creepy cult school but hey, you’ve been taught to treat them like that

PlanityPlan: exactly

PlanityPlan: they should’ve lowkey took you in but we’re too posh for that and you’ll probably be fine right lmao

Junie B Jones: at least Dolly can stay with them when her parents are literally hate criming her

PlanityPlan: sad that you won’t ‘cos getting back in that closet so hard like will you forgive me if I’m straight and we’re still the same

Junie B Jones: it’s really sad like this isn’t sustainable huns and shouldn’t have been allowed to be a thing for this long

PlanityPlan: at least Mattie does have fresh enough eyes to be like, respectfully, maybe let’s not do this

Junie B Jones: just like Lulu don’t haze your sister thank you

PlanityPlan: right, I think this gives us energy to go on for all y’all

PlanityPlan: *** so the energy now is she can get more drawn in because she's literally there living at the school too, and after the placement, she's getting a permanent position at the school, so we can actually work through this together and have relationships etc etc

[themarcusmoreno]

unsteady

an: this doesn’t have a read more bc i don’t know how to do them tbh AND i’m posting from mobile. any errors present are yet again my own. i tried to give my dumbass, baby boy javier what i took away in timing is everything. i suggest listening to this version of the song that inspired the title and i hope that you guys enjoy it, i’m proud of this one. i left this with a possiblity for more, if that’s something you’d like to see let me know! feedback is welcome! //// tagging: @spacedadheadcanons, @bonkybaaarnes, @callingmrsbarnes, @buckywiththegoodglare, @drakecaggiula91, @thatsonehellofajedi, @mando-vibes, @i-like-those-odds, @i-am-forever-a-fan, @fvckingavengers, @ikeatwins776

You found becoming a DEA agent to be an easy task, falling into the training and field work like they were second nature. You made a name for yourself, eager to the fight and quick to solve the issues presented to you. So, when the opportunity came for you to take an open post in Colombia, in Bogotá, you took it. Transportig your life to the new country seemed easy enough but finding your place amongst the senior agents proved troublesome, especially when Javier Peña seemed to be involved. You'd been placed with him and his partner, Steve Murphy. Where Steve had warmed up to you quickly, Javier stayed distant and cold. Every bit the asshole you had been warned he would be.

Over the coming months, you saw small breaks in the persona the man presented. Whether it was when you joined he and Steve for drinks after a particularly rough day or at the "family dinners" that Connie held once a week. You, even in the briefest of moments, got to see a different side of him. One that showed the crinkle of his face as he laughed at one of the jokes Steve shared, the warmth of his smile as he watched Connie with the Murphy’s little girl and even the lingering glance he'd give you as you told stories about your early days as an agent. A smirk played on his lips every time he saw you home safely and bid you goodnight.

"You know if you keep this up I may think you actually like me or something, Peña." A smile spreads across you face as you lean against the doorway of your apartment.

"Now what would give you that idea?" Javier has a smile of his own as watches you, arms crossed over his chest and head tilted upward ever so slighty.

You chuckle and roll your eyes, turning to disappear into your quiet home. "Goodnight, Javier."

A brief wave of somethig like sadness fills his chest as he watces you turn away, his arm aching to reach out and grasp yours but instead he is met with the soft click of your door. "Yeah.. goodnight, cariña." He mumbles, sighing and rubbing his jaw before he backs away to head to his own place just a floor below.

In the coming weeks, you saw more of that change in Javier. Once in him lingering near the entrance of the office long after finishing his cigarette, fresh cup of coffee in hand for the both of you. You hid the soft smile that crept on to your face at the gesture behind your cup, walking along with him as he explaied yet another lead in the hunt for Escobar. You saw it again in him seeking you out after another raid had failed and your team had lost four men. You'd be alone, gathering your own thoughts when the knocking at the door had pulled you from your silence. Wiping your face quickly, you opened the door to him standing there looking no better than you felt. His jaw clenched and eyes tired as he took your appearance in slowly.

"Mind if I come in?" The softness of his request betraying the way his features held such frustration. You gave a slight nod and made your way back to the chair you'd previously occupied. When he speaks again there's something in his tone you can't quite place, concern maybe. "I couldn't find you when we got back. You disappeared and nobody saw where you went. I thought you'd left. I needed - wanted to make sure you were okay."

You were silent a few seconds before you brought your gaze to his, fresh tears threatening to spill. "Would you be? I lost men, Jav. I lost four good men because of a fucking raid I planned." There's a bite to your words, not at the man in front you but at the pain in knowing you'd cost someone their life for something you believed in, something you trusted. A wave of nausea brought you to your feet, the emotions overwhelming. You let the tears fall, not noticing the gentle pressure of Javier's hand on your arm as he pulled you close. You didn't fight him, instead you turned into him and gave yourself over to the sobs that racked your body.

"Easy, cariña. Easy." Javier rubbed the small of your back, holding you close and letting you cry. His heart broke for the pain you felt and the thought of the guilt you carried. "What happen.. What happen today, it wasn't your fault. The best laid plans fall apart every fucking day and I know that better than anyone else. So does Steve. But this, this raid and what happen to those men wasn't your fault. You want someone to blame, you blame me. Not yourself, me. Understand?"

You listened to him, your tears slowing as spoke to you. Firm but gentle. When you did't respond he said your name softly, repeating his question. "Blame me, no one else. Understand?" He gave you gentle squeeze, words slightly muffled by your hair as he rested his chin against you.*You nodded slowly, pulling away from his tear strained shirt, and answering. "I understand but - "

"No buts. You did your job well today and thats what matters for now. Losing men is never easy but we recover, come back harder the next time and you can bet we will. Harder and faster than this time. We'll avenge the fallen and take that bastard Escobar down a peg or two when we do." Javier looks over your face, absentmindedly reaching to brush a stray tear from your cheek. He lets his hand linger before he shakes his head a little and steps back. "You should take the day. I'll get your reports done. Just go home and rest, yeah?"

You don't stop him as he pulls away, don't reach out fo him the way you want, instead you nod slowly and wrap your arms around yourself to savor the bit of his warmth left. "Are you sure, Jav?"

"Positive, miel. Go home, rest and I'll check on you when I get done here." He gives you a soft smile, not hesitating to reach out and brush your hair from your face. "Maybe I'll bring food too."

"Nothing you cook though because I want to survive the night." You smirk, laughing at his look of shock. "Sorry, you're a great agent but a shit cook." When he grumbles a response, you just shake your head and press a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Thank you, Jav." You squeeze his arm and smile, glancing back at him before you step out into the hallway.

He feels it then, the unsteady beating of his heart as he watches you leave. The feel of your lips still on his cheek and your scent lingering on his shirt, he knows what it is but he won't say it, at least not aloud. He just sighs, "Shit..."

The month that follows is different, you can't place it but something is different between you and Javier. He's more attentive, checks in on you more frequently. Lingering touches, soft smiles and few too many quiet moments shared for you to keep ignoring whatever may be there growing between the two of you. You don't get to bring it up to him, address the elephant in the room, before another wave of information comes in. Leads you needed to help the raid you, Javier and Steve were planning. Though leery to go out again, your partners encouragement had you eager to finally put a dent in the armor Pablo Escobar thought he wore.

"We've get every possibly scenario covered. Too many guards, too few guards. Nothing in the lab, something in the lab. Civilians present, no civilians present. I'm not saying it's perfect but its about the best damn plan we've had in a while." Steve looks up from the map to the small gathering of men, including you.

"Doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful. Expect the unexpected, I don't want another repeat of last time." Your arms cross over your chest as you look at everything spread across the table. “Everyone gets a vest, everyone has a partner. You watch each others back. We work quickly, we get home faster."

"Well you heard her. Date prisa, go get the gear and be out front in ten." Javier gives your arm a firm squeeze and winks before he joins the other men leaving the room.

You feel his gaze on you before you speak, sighing as you look at Steve. “What Murph?"

"You gonna tell him?" Steve quirks an eyebrow as he pops his gum and rocks on his heels.

Your breath catches and you brush it off as a cough as you start to speak again. "I don't know what you mean. There's nothing to tell anyone."

Steve scoffs, shaking his head as he gathers things from the table. "Uh huh. You keep telling yourelf that, darlin.” He smiles and squeezes your shoulder, "If it helps, he feels the same way. I've been that asshole's partner long enough to know when he's fallen for someone and that someone happens to be you." He heads towards the door, glancing back once more. "Just... Just don't wait too long to tell him. With our job, we aren't always promised tomorrow. But I told him the same thing and so far no one has made a move.”

You hesitate in the now quiet room and let Steve's words sink. Whatever you felt, Javier felt it too. You wouldn't wait past today, you'd tell him as soon as you could. "I'll tell him tonight." With vocal confirmation, you nodded to yourself and went out to join your men.

Javier had been right that day in the office as he held you close, the best laid plans really do fall apart and its usually in the worst of ways. There had been an ambush waiting, a leak from your own department tipping the guards off. You were all outnumbered before you even got there, but when you did you gave them hell. Losing two of your own men as they worked to stop the assault. When the man you'd paired yourself with was taken down, you felt the fear of not making it set in. It make you hyper aware, but not enough. Javier had covered your six after your partner went down, keeping an eye on Steve as well. That's how he saw him, lurking just out of your peripheral vision and coming up fast. The solid body crashing into you was enough to distract you from the shots but when the body didn't hurriedly move, you knew something was wrong. You shifted enough and the body of your protector landed beside you, causing him to groan lowly. You could see the blood pooling slowly, panic rising as your eyes traveled up to his face. Javier.

"Steve, fuck! Steve, get some medic here. Javi is shot, he's bleeding out!" You look around for Steve, locking eyes with him as he brings his walkie to his mouth.

"Necesito abulancia. Oficial de policía abajo." He listens to the feedback and curses. "Goddamnit! They're ten minutes out, he got that long?"

You survey the area of the pooling blood, grimacing at the pained sound Javier produces. "Maybe.. I can't be sure. He took a couple rounds, looks like they went through but its not good. It doesn't look good, Murph." You feel the familar burn of tears as they start to form. Steve's voice fading away as you look down to the soft call of your name. "Jav? Take it easy for me, okay? Try not to move."

Javier blinks softly, the vision of you him above edged in darkness. "Mi sol.." He winces, grasping at your hand as you press it against the wounds. "Oh mi sol, I'm sorry."

His sun. You blink back tears as you look him, cupping his face carefully with your free hand. "Javier, why? Why would you do this?" You don't hold back, letting the tears fall freely. The sound of the ambulance outside not pulling you from the moment. "Javi, why? I don't - I can't lose you now."

Javier smiles, its weak and fading but he smiles as he squeezes you hand and starts to lose consciousness. "This.. This is about keeping you alive." When he starts to drift off, he hears hurried spanish and your cries.

A week. Javier Peña lays in a drug induced coma for a week before he starts to become aware again. Its slow at first, a groan that has you gathering a nurse then a few mumbled curses as starts to fully wake up. You watch him drink slowly from the cup of offered water. Closing his eyes again before he slowly opens them once more to scan the room, you hear his breath catching softly as he looks at you. You don't hear the nurse leave, you don't feel yourself move until your close to his side and his hand is in yours. The warm, tan skin familiar and welcome in your grasp.

You get choked up as you start to speak, the reassuring squeeze of his hand in yours bring the words forward. "I.. I thought I lost you."

Javier's voice comes out soft, raspy from lack of use. "Can't kill me if they wanted to, miel. I'm too fucking stubborn to die." He laughs and grimaces, shifting in the bed for you to have room to sit.

You reach up, rubbing his cheek gently once you finally join him. "Well you at least got the stubborn part right." You tease, wiping your eyes as you look at him. Stubble lines his jaw and chin, his hair unkempt and you know he's never looked better. Never looked more alive.

"What's on your mind?" He questions, running his thumb over your knuckles as he watches your eyes shift over him.

"Do you remember what you said? Before you blacked out?" You work your lip between your teeth before he slowly reaches up and pulls it free.

"Si." He cups your cheek, no hesitation in his movements. "Por qué?"

"What did you mean? 'This is about keeping you alive.' What does that mean?" You lean into his hand, savoring the feel of him against your skin.

Javier shifts, taking his hand from your face and wincing he sits up more. When he's finally up and stable, he leans in presses a soft kiss to your lips. Sighing against your mouth as you return his affection, he breaks the kiss and rest your foreheads together. "It means that I can't picture my life without you in it and I don't want to. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you that, to tell you I love you."

You smile, matching his own as you kiss him again. "Glad to know it takes almost dying to get you to confess your feelings." You joke, closing your eyes and basking in the moment with Javier. "I love you too and I'm not going anywhere."