#tbf it's better I've picked it now though

[cinnamonanddean]

All of your Smallville posting is making me so nostalgic! Clex was my first ever ship and I'm just over here looking through your blog with the biggest heart eyes 🥹

Oh good, any advice on how to get over them? Cause it's killing me 🥲🥲🥲

It makes me nostalgic too, even though it's my first time watching. The music and just the vibes sent me straight back to the early aughts. What a time to have been alive. Smallville is proving to be a perfect time capsule, which I didn't expect.

Glad you're enjoying watching through my eyes! I'd like to say I'll stop spam posting and yelling about things soon, but I feel like that isn't going to happen until Lex goes, at least.

[toomuchracket]

Having had flatmate matty help her pick out clothes now I can't help but think about him having to give his honest opinion on what she should wear on a date, watching her head out the door in his fave outfit 😔

this is genius but also evil as fuck. my god. him coming back from tour desperate to see you and hold you and just be with you (if he had any sense, though, he'd tell you how he really feels. but alas), and tbf you have a couple of days of that... before you tentatively come into his room one friday morning with two outfits in your arms like "please help me pick between these. i need to know which you like better", and he obliges, of course, and then asks "what for, darling?" and is SHATTERED when your face lights up and you say "well, finally, after what seems like an age of only hookups... i've been asked out on a date". he can't speak because he's so upset, which you seem to take as bewilderment; your face falls a bit and you murmur "well, i didn't think me being asked out would be so shocking that it leaves you speechless, matty. didn't think it was such an impossible notion, but whatever", and he has to force himself to be like "no, it's good, darling - great. sorry. s'pose i'm still jet lagged, brain isn't working right. but yeah, it's... good" because he absolutely doesn't want to upset you, and you perk up a bit like "oh. thanks. um, i know we usually have dinner together on fridays, but i obviously won't be here for that. don't really know if i'll be home at all, i really am not sure, but yeah. feel free to like. have people over. not that you need my permission, but... the flat will be free. just don't let anyone in my room or anything". matty just nods, and gives you a thumbs up, and tries his best not to cry while you're getting ready, and hugs you goodbye with a "you look beautiful. really" when you ask him if you look alright (very amylaurie, you know the vibes), and he DOES scroll through his contacts with the intention of maybe texting an old hookup to come over as distraction, but honestly the thought of that and the thought of you being romanced by someone and sleeping with them just makes him feel sick - instead, he just sticks on some midwest emo and goes to bed and cries himself to a really early night's sleep. it's fitful, though, and he's awoken just before 10pm by you texting "hey. not really having a good time so i'm on the bus home. don't do the bottom lock pls x"; naturally, he perks up with an enthusiasm that sickens him, and texts back like "alright. just me here btw. i would've picked u up, yk x" before wandering into the living room and faffing about with an acoustic while he waits for you to come home. despite his relief that the date didn't go well, his heart breaks at how dejected you look when you shuffle into the room and tell him about how boring a time you had, but it heals at the way you automatically curl into him as you talk and then say "wish i'd just stayed here with you, matty. i like it best". because yeah sure you went on the date but it's HIM you wish you were doing that with, him you want to be romanced by and hold hands with in the street and kiss at red lights and whatnot. that's why you haven't worn the outfit he liked best when you went shopping, didn't even consider it for tonight even though it's your favourite and would've looked great - you only want to wear that one if it's on a date with him. nobody else. god, the two of you... stupid little idiot babies <3

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I withheld a job from my ex?

cw: maybe abuse?

My ex (28f) and I (24f) broke up two years ago. we're on decent terms, but I moved cross-continent and we don't talk often but are on good terms. every few months we chat and catch up. I don't think she's a bad person and have no ill-will towards her.

we got together when I was 19 and she was 24, which makes me feel weird now as a 24 year old, esp considering I was homeless and recently exiting a sex trafficking situation. I'm physically disabled- she had a physical government career (think military, first responder, etc) and had a good amount of muscle on me as a result. our relationship centered around substance abuse a Lot, and she did shove me, push me, etc. the worst thing she did was break my arm when I was trying to get her to eat when she was really drunk because I was worried about alcohol poisoning. I'm an addict tbf, but I didn't put my hands on her- I was awful, I'd leave for days after we fought and scare her, and that's not okay. I want to clarify that I'm also shitty in this scenario- I'd leave, I'd call her mean names, and not pick up the phone. overall, it was a toxic relationship on both our ends.

she left her government job, and I have gotten her a job since our breakup in the nonprofit work I do. The company I recommended her to operates hundreds of miles away from me, and so I wasn't worried about running into her, despite it being the same niche area of nonprofits. People there were uncomfortable once they found out she was my ex, because they were concerned about me when we were together, but she did well and genuinely helped out a really hard-up charity.

Recently, we've caught up- I never plan to get back with her, because someone breaking your arm is bad and I recognize that. My friends rightfully disapprove of us talking, but I needed some copies of vet records for my cat she had, and she asked if I knew anyone hiring. I am successful in my career and hold sway in the field I work in. I have worked at this one company I absolutely love working for, like I'm at my dream job, and I don't think it'd be appropriate to recommend her to apply. I am higher up now, and they would let me refuse to supervise her due to conflict of interest, but I just don't want her at the company. She's great at her job and would be a massive asset, esp bc it's a nonprofit and we struggle to find decent staff, but it'd freak out my work friends, she'd come into a similar environment as the last recommendation I gave, and I honestly just want to focus on my career without dealing with the stress of having her around, even though we're friends now, she still scares me a little.

So I told her to apply at companies I have a good reputation with but do not plan to work with again. It's basically the same job, same pay, as she would get if I offered her a job where I'm at, but my company has better policy and is more understanding. we're so understaffed in my field that people recommending friends, family, exes, whatever, to apply is normal and, frankly, appreciated, as long as they aren't working with them directly. I would be able to put her in an office on the other side of the country and never have to talk to her w work, but I just. Don't want her at this company, even though she'd help a ton and it's slightly better than the other jobs I've set her up with. She doesn't know I'm holding out, but AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[amaranthoi]

9 people you'd like to get to know better

tagged by @wispstalk (and @kagrenacs so long ago……i didn't forget </3 sorry) thank u !!

since both of these tag games had similar questions i decided to mix them! kayd's will be below the cut ^_^

3 ships: tbf i too am mostly a ship Appreciator as in i rarely get invested.... i can't say i have any i am particularly fond of currently? i'm barely active in any fandom right now so :(

First ship: there were constant re-runs of xena playing on tv when i was in elementary school. need i say more

Last song: control by traci lords

Last film: lynch's lost highway solely for patricia arquette. it um. was a movie for sure. if you're going to be watching it ideally go in blind as i did lol

Currently reading: NOTHING UNFORTUNATELY…….at least for recreation ;_; i had a couple books i wanted to start but i'm not sure when i'll have the time to actually read them. still open to recs though (so i can feel guilty for not reading those as well)

Currently craving: craved* a caprese salad which i got to eat soon after !!

-

fav color: THIS

relationship status: single

last thing googled: asparagales. the past half an hour i've been on a deep dive trying (struggling) to solve today's puzzle. i know nothing of botany

current obsessions: vtm redemption !! i started the game like a month ago but haven't been able to play much until now

tagging: @andromedaholic, @adderstones-aes, @blood-bound, @postpunks, @ermor, @cuntstable, @alivehouse, @harbingerofskulls, @skineruptions

no pressure to do this obvi. feel free to pick & choose whatever questions you like! any other mutual that wants to do this, consider yourselves tagged. mwah <3

[hoochieblues]

Books of 2024

tagged by @faux-fires (tysm <3) who has a much prettier bookshelf than me. (Also, there is no crime in acquiring things because shiny covers. Call it tsundoku and make it an ~aesthetic~.)

“the game is to share 9 of my favourite books from the last 12 months, or 9 books on my tbr list for this year”

uh oh.

Honestly, the past year I've read very little, mostly because I was up to my eyeballs in work and, when I wasn't, I made... many questionable choices. I read some truly incredible fanfic and some wonderful WIPs. Also a lot of slush pile material, and tbh a lot that was (mostly subjectively, sometimes objectively) pretty dreadful. Some notable exceptions* aside, I just seemed to keep picking up books that were either 'meh' at most, or (for me) 70-30 nay/yay reads (*cough*Jenny Hval*cough*).

I'm hoping this year will be better. So, here are six from my TBR pile/wishlist for 2024, and three old faves I've recently reread and/or will reread this year:

Dirtbag: Essays - Amber A'Lee Frost Politicial memoir and sometime optimistic socialist theory from Chapo Trap House alumna Amber, who's been back on the show recently since Matt Christman (my beloved)'s medical leave.

The Black Jacobins: Toussaint L'Ouverture and the San Domingo Revolution - C.L.R. James Partly research, partly an important and interesting piece of history. I got into reading about the Sons of Africa and Dolben's Act while writing my current WIP and, as that series kinda bleeds over into the French Revolution, this is very relevant.

The Crimson Thread of Abandon: Stories - Terayama Shuji (tr. Elizabeth L. Armstrong) Terayama's short films and photography are amazing, so... high hopes here? Possibly even more so as I apparently have very little fiction on my tbr list. Burnout, you say? Nooo.

The Iliad tr. Emily Wilson Everything I've seen about this translation looks great, so I'm interested to read it. Apparently it cuts right to the source material in a very honest way, but idk. It's all Greek to me. (sorry.)

The Mountain in the Sea - Ray Nayler I've heard so many good things about this I'm a little nervous to start it, but it's on the 'when I have time' list. Also, because no company can resist building The Torture Nexus (though tbf plans were in the works before this book came out, and it's not quite the same thing), did you know you can still join Compassion in World Farming, Ocean Born Foundation, and over 70 other NGOs in campaigning to stop the planned Nueva Pescanova octopus farming project?

Gluck: Her Biography - Diana Souhami** I bought this last spring and I will get around to reading it properly, I swear. Gluck was an interesting artist and a... difficult person, by most accounts. Admirable in many ways, perhaps. But. But! Also the reason commercial oil paints have consistent pigment levels and standards. The more you know.

Gratuitous Gluck painting! Medallion (YouWe) (1936) is a basic bitch choice because it's so iconic, but look me in the face and say it's not Peak Melodrama(tm). This Deco beast is the de facto marriage portrait commemorating Gluck and Nesta Obermer's relationship, beginning in earnest the night they saw Fritz Busch's Don Giovanni and 'felt the intensity of the music fused them into one.'

“Now it is out,” Gluck wrote to Nesta, “and to the rest of the Universe I call Beware! Beware! We are not to be trifled with.”

As I said, peak melodrama.

So, on to three Comfort Read faves and an excuse for a shelfie or two:

Something Wicked This Way Comes - Ray Bradbury "God, how we get our fingers in each other’s clay. That’s friendship, each playing the potter to see what shape we can make of the other." It is the autumn read. And I still kind of want to be femme!Mr. Dark.

Spleen - Olive Moore "She did not want the stories that calm frightened children. She wanted to know why the child is frightened." You probably can't call it a 'comfort' read exactly, but it's stark, complicated, and uncompromising. One for the Virginia Woolf girlies (gn), you might say.

The Complete Illuminated Books - William Blake "As when a man dreams, he reflects not that his body sleeps." Uh. Me like pretty pitchers? I was gifted this book years ago, having always been a Blake admirer. Last year, I was listening to a collab between Esoterica and TheArtTourist (formerly Several Circles) on Blake's personal mythology (something something gnostic mysticism) and I've been coming back to pick at it over and over ever since. Generally with a hot chocolate and a squishy blankie, which I think is necessary here.

*Notable exceptions include:

Goodbye Tsgumi - Banana Yoshimoto. You should read this in an afternoon, then think wistfully about it six months later. Yoshimoto's style is easy and delicate, but primed with sharp authenticity.

the Wine and Song series from tumblr's own @eleanorkos, who is a wonderful writer, stylistically and narratively, and a joy to read.

Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black - Cookie Mueller. John Waters fans know her best for Pink Flamingos etc., but her writing is... scorching. Sometimes perhaps too much so, but it's certainly zeitgeisty.

Alec - William di Canzio. The E.M. Forster sequel no one expected. I did like it, truly. It's just that I thought it would be a bit... more. And now I have to go scour AO3 because there's probably a 200k Maurice fanfic somewhere that handles class, identity, and intertextuality better and with more commitment. If not.. no. I'm not even entertaining the thought.

**There is admittedly Disk Horse around Gluck - who, while born into privilege, famously did not want to be addressed with any prenoms, prefixes, or signifiers of class/gender - and Pronouns. I think Souhami's gotten a fair amount of heat for 'Her Biography', though Gluck did use feminine pronouns in life. (Wearily taps the 'we cannot accurately assign contemporary labels to people who lived before they were coined in their current context; it's technically conjecture, however obvious it seems' sign.) Personally, I feel like if we're going to keep referring to Radclyffe Hall as a she/her lesbian and not acknowledge the possibility of any transmasc, fluid, or he/him identities for someone who was known primarily as 'John' and whose seminal novel featured an afab protagonist called Stephen who identifies with the contemporary view of homosexuality as 'inversion' then... I'm going to sit quietly with my knitting and stay out of it.

Okay, that's it. I overran, I know, but hey. tagging @s1ithers, @lesetoilesfous, @aria-i-adagio, @dreadfutures, @emungere, @barbex and @katehedge with intrigue and curiosity, but never any pressure :)

[grandlovescheme]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @luthien-under-bough, thank you! I love talking about fics and the process of how I write them, so this was fun to put together :)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

28

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

459,900

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Now exclusively House of the Dragon, specifically Daemyra

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

High Hopes

Let's Ignite Under the Ember Skies

You're Ripped at Every Edge (But You're a Masterpiece)

If I Could, I'd Get You the Moon

The Dominoes Cascaded in a Line

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, I try to always respond, even if the comment is to an older fic. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed or don't even know what to say when someone's being way too kind to me lol, but I always want to let people know I see them and appreciate them so much.

The only time I don't... is when I see someone's binging my whole fic, so then I only respond to the last comment, once they're all caught up.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This is easy, as I only have one fic without a happy ending - All and Then Most of You, Some and Now None of You. I love daemyra too much to not give them HEA as much as possible

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is hard to pick... Because all of my fics, apart from that one, end teeth rootingly sweet 😂 Perhaps Dominoes. Or perhaps fighter!au, which you guys haven't read yet but it's very fucking happy!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Sometimes. Though it is much much better now that I disabled anon asks.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do! What kind I write... Hmm, tbf I think I write pretty vanilla stuff, even if I do try to explore some kinks here and there when it fits the story and the characters. I guess my kind is focusing on the feelings most of the time, and the emotional connection.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't, or at least I haven't yet. We'll see if muse ever strikes this way!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, so hopefully not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A few times in a different fandom

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, not yet, but I'm definitely open to the idea. I definitely wrote a bunch of stuff based on my fandom friends' crazy ideas and prompts with their help, so that's halfway there, I guess

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

No couple had ever taken over my life and thoughts the way Daemyra did, so, the answer is clear!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Soulmates AU? I was once so excited for it, wrote a bunch of notes and even the first two chapters, but now I'm kinda... not feeling it :(

16. What are your writing strengths?

I spent the longest on this question. I think it's the emotions I try to convey in my fics, good or bad.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Now this is much easier. Plot! Intrigue! If you guys haven't noticed yet lol, I write fics heavily focused on romance only, and the development of Daemyra's relationship, because I just can't pull off anything more than that.

I'll probably never write a fic where people will wonder what'll happen next, what that and this means, what this person's motivations are... Because I'm unfortunately not wired that way. But I learned to accept that, and I have fun writing my silly romances with no real plot <3

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've done it myself a few times and I like to see it in other fics, too. Especially in HV it's delicious to see in the canon-verse. Though I always struggle with how to write the translation - right next to it, in cursive, in brackets, in the final notes?? That's always a head scratcher

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Eh, probably Twilight? I don't remember writing anything before that, so must be it

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably still High Hopes, even after all this time 🤍

This was fun! I'm tagging some of my writer friends if they wanna join and haven't yet, @ar-feyniel, @eschercaine, @calenlily, @fiora-miriel and anyone else who wants to! :)

[robustcornhusk]

curious if you have more Opinions on heel-to-toe drop. I've noticed that my ankle mobility is worse after wearing higher-drop shoes and this has me biased against them. but I also do not want to fuck up my everything

again, i'm speaking with all the authority of a 14-year-old who has tried weed like three times, and one of those times may have been oregano:

context: what's higher-drop for you? daily, running, or other athletic endeavors?

caveats/personal experience: i have usually worn 8mm drop shoes (or gone barefoot) for daily shit, 4mm-8mm for running. as far as i can tell, i'm not heelstriking even in the 8mm shoes (but people are notoriously bad at actually knowing what's going on there! possibly i heelstrike. too lazy to record it). i have fantastic ankle mobility in some directions (plantar flexion), and kinda meh in others (dorsiflexion), though not to the extent that it causes me a problem.

i have a bunch of injuries atm, but the pt i'm seeing thinks it looks like it's my hip mobility that's causing it (too much of it, uncontrolled).

some assorted considerations/thoughts/etc for high/low drop in running shoes in particular...

broadly speaking, with lower drops, forces on the foot and ankle get emphasized, and with higher drops, on the knees and hips. it's a spectrum. your everything is affected by every shoe. the forces have to go somewhere.

supposedly, when measured, the injury rate is more or less the same for all kinds of running shoes with respect to drop, it's just that people get injured in different places.

most current shoes are going to be 4mm-8mm. as i understand, just a few years ago, there were oodles at 12mm, but it's dwindled down, and now it's just like one brooks shoe and one mizuno? there's a few more at 10mm.

the current trend is high-stack shoes (let's say 30mm+), and high-stack doesn't play very nicely with high-drop (let's say 8mm+ but it's not a firm border). i'm not totally sure on the reason; it's to do with everything getting unstable when they're both high.

in the other direction, higher stack can encourage being fast, for (handwave) reasons?, so race-day & speed workout shoes sometimes stay up at 8mm. or 6mm. or whatever. track shoes have undefined stack but i guess if we tried to define it, it would be very, very high. (tbf track sprinters apparently have astoundingly high rates of injury-per-mile, but they put so much force into each of those miles.)

very very minimalist shoes (0-4mm drop, low stack like <15mm including the sock liner) exist. they can be kinda rough to run in. i used to run in them! i also ended up injured. they will work some foot muscles that get worked less in non-minimalist shoes, but to some degree it's kinda at the expense of getting better in a straightforward way at running. possibly the majority of these benefits can come from just walking in the minimalist shoes; also possibly the same/at least highly overlapping proprioceptive & and weird foot muscle benefits can come from trail running (uneven surfaces). on the bright side, they're fairly decent to lift in.

if you're running but only a little bit (pulled out of my ass: <<10 miles a week, <2 miles each, like as a warmup or whatever for something else), you can try whatever you want to try as long as it's comfortable. if you're running more than that, you can also do whatever you want, as long as it's comfortable, but probably fewer things will be comfortable.

"as long as it's comfortable" is really the important part there. like, this is the best, most-supported scientific shoe-picking-out process we have. if it's comfortable, then you're less likely to get injured (tendonitis etc).

idk if any of this was relevant or if i totally misread it. but. shoes! i can look up any of the relevant papers but i am being hassled atm by a cat.

[majorbaby]

tl;dr why i talk about race on MASH so much and why i think it's worth doing inspite of the horrors lol and what you can expect from me re: race on MASH going forward

one of the things that drew me to MASH fandom, and one of the reasons i've persisted in it for so is how much meta is generated by smart, passionate fans who were pulled in by the smart, passionate and political writing on MASH, which did all of that while being damn funny.

disclaimer: "meta" isn't better or inherently more ~intellectual~ than fanfiction or squee or fanart or memes or "two-braincell" content. in fact, i think meta can be all of these things, though i'm biased in that i think critical thought relies heavily on one's ability to make connections and pick up on intersecting concepts and i have a hard time reining in my natural tendency to do that, which is why my posts are so long and convoluted - i am working on it.

i wasn't, and still am not, dismayed by the (perceived or actual) void of long-form commentary on race and class on MASH. tbf there are a few people who note these things as they appear, but not really many who centered it in their meta. still, i appreciate at least an awareness.

if anything, it gave me some confidence that i could add something new and valuable to the collective space. that's why i started writing about race on MASH and tagging it as such. and generally, it's been pretty well received, although i'd be open to more people talking about and sharing their views on the subject.

what does bother me though now though, is that i should've known better assuming that there was no angle on race already being espoused and freely adopted by people. the absence of any statements about race is in fact a loud, clear statement on race. the absence of racialized voices in any public discourse is painfully obvious. and tbh, i'm a little surprised by how little the korean-ness of the korean war features in analysis. yes it's true that MASH might've been about "the vietnam war" but that's less of the jump it takes in the later years, when it becomes about "all war" or even more vaguely "all suffering"

it's been pointed out to me in the past that some people think the racism of the later years is "subtle" and - tbh, it's fine to see it that way if maybe you've not been the target of "subtle" racism in your life or you haven't studied the pervasiveness of racism or you haven't consumed the work of people who have done both. but i think it's pretty shortsighted to openly claim that something is "subtly" racist and not be prepared to defend that position with examples, or quantify what you mean when you say "subtle". and i'm not really willing to hear such distinctions being made unless its first been explained to me why we're using a spectrum of "loud to quiet racism".

additionally, the fanbase has been pretty vocal about misogyny. i believe this is a popular justification "start from season 4", which i've talked everyone's ear off about so i won't do it again here*. i'm glad we know that Hawkeye making comments about nurses' bottoms in OR is harassment - but then again, do we know that? Or do we limit our critiques of misogyny to Trapper and Henry only? Do we know that BJ, as of a result of Hawkeye's advice, deciding not to tell Peg about his infidelity is just doubling-down on BJ's betrayal of her? The show definitely doesn't, and it's troublesome to me that we don't seem to know that either, or we do know, and we just forgive it.

*famous last words.

if I'm being exposed to this shallow criticism of the representation of women on MASH, then i'm raising my eyebrows at the lack of commentary on race - which is the other reason why i persist in writing about it. even MASH, with Hey Look Me Over, lightly acknowledges the intersection of race and gender, and the eternal plight of women of colour having to choose between pieces of their identity in order to show "solidarity" with their oppressors - white women and racialized men. so why shouldn't we? and when i say "we" i mostly mean me, but i'd like to properly mean we.

there's other ways we've talked about race without talking about race and not realized it. and there's one very big example that i'm going to address in a later post. i just wanted to talk to myself about why i think it's important and worth doing, beyond any suspicion there may be about my motives being benign stuff that doesn't actually bother me at all. like who's fucking hawkeye post-war or individual people looking to colonel potter as a father-figure. if it were just that, and if there wasn't so much conventional wisdom floating around that bore no connection to unconscious biases we (me included) have about race, class, gender etc, then i wouldn't be interested in unpacking it.

such posts will be tagged #race on mash, #class on mash

[grapecaseschoices]

But I'm glad you're having such a fine time, who is your tav going for?

I do have some problems with the game, but overall it's fun to play. Probably wyll or laezel. Initially I was gonna go for shadowheart bcs I really liked her character design and my tav also hs that similar kind of dry sarcastic sense of humour. But after having her for a while in my party, she got on my nerves real quick. I tried out some races and she almost always had something to say about it. Im not thst far into it and I like astarion but the fact that he can leave ur party if ur character kicks him in the nuts sent me and now I can't take him seriously. I think my tav enjoys messing around with him. I just keep throwing spells at him and reviving him and he hasn't left yet so he's a trooper. 😂

I was playing as a tiefling originally but they kept having stuff to say about them being a tiefling and it got kinda annoying so I changed it to something else. /lh 💀

Playing as a Sorcerer is so much fun I can just make shit explode. Idk how to use astarion though, I just make him throw arrows and hide, he doesn't really do much in fights, but he's funny so I keep him around. I might get rid of shadowheart, but she's also a cleric and provides good heals so idk. She's so fine but she's really got a poll stuck up her ass so idk. Some of the remarks she makes about certain races and some of her actions towards a certain character because they are that race (don't wanna spoil it) just kind of put me off especially with her being white. I'm aware it's fantasy and stuff and I haven't finished the story, but anyways we'll see, maybe she'll get better. 😅

Wyll is my fave so far, he's super underrated!! I do wish there were more romance options of color though. I think so far I've only met one which is Wyll. 😭😭

sorry for the late response! i have not been my best the past weekend!

I do have some problems with the game, but overall it's fun to play.

Me a salty, hater: Feel free to share~~

. I tried out some races and she almost always had something to say about it. Im not thst far into it and I like astarion but the fact that he can leave ur party if ur character kicks him in the nuts sent me and now I can't take him seriously.

DOES SHE?? I have done an half-orc but she hasn't said anything?? Unless I wasn't paying attention. Who does she say shit for? I know Giths for sure, and I imagine drows. Also ROFLMAO. I mean TBF TO HIM! hahaha

I was playing as a tiefling originally but they kept having stuff to say about them being a tiefling and it got kinda annoying so I changed it to something else. /lh 💀

omgoodness. the druids right? omg so like i have a druid tief and i thought it might be like double the fun bc of the grove, but whew. literally every breath like: WOW YOU DEVIL YOURE SO EDUCATED FOR A A DEVIL. WOW HAHA DEVIL. it's like dude. 1. not a devil 2. heard the joke the first three times, ain't yall tired? so far proving to be worse for my half-drow but havent made it far.

Idk how to use astarion though, I just make him throw arrows and hide, he doesn't really do much in fights, but he's funny so I keep him around. I might get rid of shadowheart, but she's also a cleric and provides good heals so idk. She's so fine but she's really got a poll stuck up her ass so idk. Some of the remarks she makes about certain races and some of her actions towards a certain character because they are that race (don't wanna spoil it) just kind of put me off especially with her being white. I'm aware it's fantasy and stuff and I haven't finished the story, but anyways we'll see, maybe she'll get better. 😅

i mean he's good for picking locks. that was actually his sole purpose for me for the longest. then is tarted respecing him/multiclasing him thus he became my lock picker AND my arrow man in certain PTs. or my arrow man/shadow man. i am sure i dont use that to the full potential bc i am such a newb but wte. so you're not alone.

lmao i mean if you get a paladin or a druid or you multiclass someone else ... but honestly i havent really dealt with her racism outside of lae'zel -- which i do admit really annoys me. lmao. i remember i had a PT where it was lae'zel that saved her but she gave all the credit to astarion and im like ....... is this a glitch or is she just that ... bad re: giths. and nah, it's still annoying. the fantasy racism.

also i feel i under use my sorcerers bc im still figuring out the meta magic stuff but i do like them. are you wild magic then? both mine [i ended up respecing my durge to multiclass paladin and sorcerer] are dragon ancestory bc everyone and the mom says its best and also bc im a sucker for that shit.

Wyll is my fave so far, he's super underrated!! I do wish there were more romance options of color though. I think so far I've only met one which is Wyll. 😭😭

He is LITERALLY the only one. I know people wnat to include Karlach bc of what Larian did with her features [some people said she was modled after Gemma Chan] but I do not, because her voice actress is white. IDC. She is white. She a white woman who got surgery. Blame Z----l, if it makes yall feel better. She got a fetish or something. But Karlach is WHITE.

But Wyll is. [You know why. But also because Larian gives him so little but ... YOU KNOW WHY.]

It is one of my many issues with the game.

[mysticlibraryhushbats]

So! Mutant Mayhem is finally here and I took the day off work to go to the first showing this morning like a weirdo! I just wanted to share my initial thoughts on the movie now that I'm fresh out and haven't unblocked the Mutant Mayhem tag to see what others have been saying.

(Most of these come down to personal preference so, if you read something you don't like, don't come for me!)

First things first, the turtles!!! I love, love, LOVE them!!! This is honestly the first time I've had difficulty picking a fav. They were the highlight of the movie for me.

I don't think I've ever said this about Leo, but OMG he was adorable!! Such a good boi! I'm glad they cut that whole 'holier than thou' attitude he often gets lumped with. He was just out here doing his best and trying to have fun along the way.

Raph is my son. I have adopted him.

Donnie is hands down the cutest Donnie ever to exist. 2003 Donnie is still my fav, but I can have two, right?

I have to say that of the four, Mikey was the biggest surprise for me. And in the best way possible! I much prefer when he's not singled out as the stupid one acting dumb or the "funny" one. Sorry to any Mikey fans out there but I find most iterations of Mikey to be insufferable, and there're only three I actually genuinely like (including this one)! I like that he's on equal footing with his brothers. They are all dumb and funny together, and Mikey isn't fighting for their attention.

I was also super happy to see that no one turtle had the spotlight. They were very much a unit.

Return of the batman voice, this time ft. Leo!

The turtle tots were cute little chicken nuggets!! Really makes me want to get back into writing turtle tot fics!

This Splinter was really leaning into the stressed single father side of Splinter's persona more so than any other version. I'm here for it! He still kicked ass!

Another teen April. I'd prefer an older April that looks out for the turtles like an older sister tbh. I miss those days. But still, she was a great April all things considered!!

I could have done without the Leo/April stuff. I get that as teenagers they're going to have crushes, but any Turtle x April ship gives me the ick.

On that note, is Raph the only turtle to not have a significant crush on April in the whole franchise?!

The other mutants were enjoyable. None of them really stood out to me personally. Though, every Ray Fillet scene had me creased thinking about Postie in the recording booth. I'm glad that in the end they all sided with the turtles and they have a nice little found family going.

Splinter and his girlfriend!! 😂 It's about time!

WTF happened to Splinter that had him so concerned about them being milked. I mean, he was right in the end but, who hurt you child?

The animation style took a little getting used to but I thought it was very creative and interesting. The random shots from "real-life" like Ferris Bueller and the Chris' were a bit jarring, but funny nonetheless.

The whole "No Diggity" montage...*chef kiss* The 4 Non Blondes part was hilarious too!

I loved all the pop-culture references, but I think maybe it was a little excessive? I would have preferred if they left those primarily for the turtles. Instead, every character was a pop-culture connoisseur trying to out do the other characters.

Related to that point, I'm in Japan, so I felt bad for the non-English speaking Japanese watching this movie because there's only so much you can do with subtitles. 90% of the pop-culture references would go over the average viewers' head here, and yet, most of the comedy was contingent on these references. No one laughed. No one. (tbf, that's common in theaters in Japan regardless of how funny something is, but even so, I can't imagine it being very humorous to a non-English speaking adult here.) I might try the dubbed version just to compare. There's more freedom in dubbing but I can't see it being too much better.

That's all I got for now! I'm sure I forgot to mention a bunch of stuff. I will be going to see the movie again next week, and I'll probably have more to add after a second watch. But for now, I really enjoyed it. As a fan of the darker versions of the TMNT, I know I'm not the target audience for these things anymore. Coming to that realization today was a depressing thought. I had a great time watching for sure and I'm excited to have a lot of new fans joining the fandom!

I'm not sure if this movie cracks the top 5 of my favorite turtles but it's up there for sure. I give it a solid 7/10.

[chemblrish]

what uni do you go to? (im looking for a uni that will suit me when i finish high school and i saw your notes in polish, so i thought id ask since im polish too)

Hi there! If you're asking which exactly uni I'm studying at, then sorry but I'd rather not say that publicly. If you're asking what *type* of uni I'm studying at, then it's a "general" (that is, science isn't the only thing you can study there) research university.

I'll be honest with you, choosing the right uni is hard and stressful but the great thing is you're 100% allowed to change your mind and migrate elsewhere - that's exactly what I did. I picked a non-research natural sciences uni first, because I thought it was the right place for someone who loves science as much as I do and their biotechnology course was widely known as one of the best ones in Poland. And then I got majorly disappointed lol. Even though it was a natural sciences uni, it was more focused on the industry and the whole time I was there I felt more like I was being prepared to enter the food microbiology business. That's obviously not a bad thing by itself, but it was definitely not what I wanted (+ I realized I actually hate biology, but that's beside the point).

Like I said, I'm at a research uni now, and even though I'm just a first year and not part of any research project, the difference is massive. The professors here approach us mostly as future scientists and the syllabi *actually* focus on the natural sciences instead of the industry, but tbf the expectations are higher too.

Obviously, we have politechniki here in Poland too, but I don't have any experience with these. I've been told by several people the math is insane there though, but always half-jokingly 😅

TL;DR:

1. "Science" unis aren't always better than general unis

2. Research unis are great if you're a big science-loving nerd

3. Biology sucks

If you have any other questions, feel free to hmu :)

[sweetpea-sprite]

THE IMMEDIATE NEXT INN VISIT AND I'M FUCKING BACK EVEN OLIVER IS CALLING THIS SHIT OUT NOW (bunny)

I left immediately it was the same riddle thank god

ASLKBMSALKBKSAKALMBABMLAKMSLABMSA i'm very sorry but it will be the same riddle every time until you solve it... you can't progress the conductor until you do that riddle </3

I actually managed to find a tinman before my game crashed earlier, called him rude because how long it took me to find him.

I'm calling the next one ruder because it's taking even longer I just wanna get through the ghost valley game you don't gotta crash this ain't someones first creepypasta

Getting the tinman was useless I have a better familiar with provoke in my party called badboy, bighorn I think? So that was a fun waste of time

RIP fair though. i'm glad they gave all the physical attack affinity familiars provoke that was smart of them

Finally at Yuri's house again! If the game crashes my patience is going to join the dead souls in this ghost valley

I CAN'T BELIEVE A SAVE WAS NOT EVEN A MINUTE AWAY FROM WHERE I LAST CRASHED LITERALLY JUST TWO MINUTES WOULD HAVE SAVED ME SO MUCH TIME

Anyway I've saved there now so if it happens again I'll have less to repeat

ALKSVKASBSMABLKSAMKBSMALKBMLKSAM I'M SO SORRY.

Boss fight time! COME OUT AND FIGHT ME YOU CANDLE BITCH

HELP THE CANDLE IS WINNING

COMING BACK WITH THE COMEBACK I KICKED HIS ASS SUCK IT YOU WALKING CANDLESTICK

THIS IS SO FUNNYSLKDBMSDLKBKBLSD GOOD JOB. I'M PROUD OF YOU

Oh fuck Ollie boy grave robbing with no hesitation damn

literally. it's the same in wotww tbf they really do just go in and take shit from the Grave Of The Wizard King

FUCKING CALLED IT SHE'S A GHOST

Oh he's crying... Let it out Ollie boy, she's okay and can never experience googling her name

AKBDKABMDALKBAMLKBASMLKB SHE'S SO IMPORTANT TO ME. i almost cried at this scene i'm not gonna lie. i liked her.

Uh

Wrong dialogue oliver

oh yeah the translation does that quite a bit. tbf it actually also happens a handful of times in wotww's Official localisation it's just harder to notice because you don't have the sprites

Not liking how this one guy gets scared for a moment because he thinks Oliver works for jabou, not liking that at all

YEAH that quest starts out so. .

Jairo out here being the responsible adult figure calling a pirate a bastard Infront of children

Oliver and Esther are gonna know so many swears by the end of this adventure

oh don't worry. esther gets a turn.

Gonna stop now at learning teleport because I don't wanna pick up my book and I'm tired so goodnight!

goodnight o7!!!!!

[stepswowdsen]

【KagePro】 MCA: Episode 10 - Saeru's First Appearance + KuroEne Scenario Ideas (NSFW) 🖤💙🐍🐇

(CW: NSFW mentions under the cut)

My MCA reaction rambles are SFW, but I put NSFW KuroEne scenario ideas under the cut, so heads up for that. It's mainly cuz I wanted the video with his voice here, as context for my ideas.

BITCHES WHEN. SNAKE OF CLEARING EYES. AKLDSKSDKLKLSDKLSD (BITES STICK) /POS

I'M BITCHES

Just copied these from my Notion rambles doc ✌️

Kuroha/Saeru has a hot ass voice tbh but MCA is literally so embarrassing to look at, that I'm just gonna pull up Sidu's arts of him on the side to lessen the tonal whiplash.

Like the voice fits him perfectly but MCA is just so fucking ugly

Haruka, Konoha, and Kuroha are all completely different and separate characters, but they're all voiced by the same VA, Mamoru Miyano. The perfect pick for Ene's bfs!!! All three of them 🥰💞

Kuroha has a good VA at least so I can run with that but they blew it on a terrible anime

Me every single episode: So when is Kuroha going to show up

Cuz I watched MCA while it was airing. Pretty sure I was 12 at the time.

Ok but I love the emphasis on the -SSS syllables. SSSSS 🐍

“Subarashii!” (”How wonderful!!!”) mfs are SOOO my type. One of my fave cat son types. Douman and Kuroha both count as these. They’re both Subarashii mfs

I remember kid me was so fucking mad that it took 10 out of 12 episodes for my fave to show up like WTF

AND IT'S NOT EVEN HIM WHEN HE'S IN KONOHA'S BODY ADSKKLSDKLSDLK

IT'S HIM IN SNAKE FORM. ALSO THE SNAKE FORM SHOULD'VE BEEN GIANT LIKE COME ON MAN

They couldn't have had him cameo in the background earlier at least??? SMH. AND THIS SCENE IS ONLY 2 MINUTES

This anime must've been rushed to hell

AND MCA LOOKS LIKE ASS. THE ART STYLE IS SO UGLY COMPARED TO SIDU'S GORGEOUS ART STYLE??? The only thing uglier than it is the ROTRK anime imo (at least of the series I'm into that I've seen)

Wish they could've imitated Sidu's style

At least my fave has a good voice actor

Kuroha/Saeru (VA: Miyano Mamoru)

Miyano Mamoru is so good at voicing insane charas LMAO. Perfect fit actually.

Horrific realization: Mekakucity Actors (MCA), the shitty KagePro anime, is still animated better than the (also shitty) ROTRK anime

Me: Horrific realization: Mekakucity Actors (MCA), the shitty KagePro anime adaptation, is still animated better than the ROTRK anime

A/S/J: 😭

Me: The only thing that'd top the KagePro anime in uglyness is the ROTRK anime imo LMFAO /neg

MCA's art style is SOOO ugly

Kid me: Bruh it took 10 episodes (out of 12 in total) of this stupid anime for Kuroha to show up

Fuck this gay earth!!! /j

A: KagePro tends to be a bit more underground since there's a barrier to entry with the bad anime LOL

Me: Right LMAO like MCA's art style is ugly as fuck to me and yet MCA still looks better than the ROTRK anime, like that is so embarrassing for real

A: 😭

Also why is this place just straight up hell. Like why is it just being tied to a pillar for eternity. Ig it's how the Kagerou Daze appears to Azami, since it appears differently for different people, but the whole thing is so laughably animated.

I'm sorry but Saeru's snake form should've been fucking GIANT bro like that would've been way more badass. Like big enough to reach up to the ceiling of a normal room! Actually, now that I think about it, if you compare the size of Saeru to Azami, he's really big actually. Like he's big enough as a snake to wrap around a whole ass boulder.

But I was imagining his snake form to be fucking giant like the Opening Eyes Snake (Me ga Sameru Hebi) that appeared in front of Takane/Ene when she first became Ene.

Like I was literally expecting him to be the same size as Yamata no Orochi in Japanese mythology. Though tbf he can probably change his size so I can still run with my HC

...

At least my faves have a good voice actor, but at what cost, this anime looks like ASS

Haruka, Konoha, and Kuroha are all voiced by Mamoru Miyano

Ene's Haruka lookalike harem /lh /j

The only thing that'll surpass Mekakucity Actors (MCA) the shitty KagePro anime in uglyness is the ROTRK anime imo

KUROHA ONLY SHOWING UP IN THE LAST EPISODE??? F U!!!

This anime is an LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This anime looks like garbage LMAO /neg

And MCA's art style is so fucking ugly. The only thing uglier than it is the ROTRK anime imo. MCA's OST is probably the best thing we got out of it cuz we got human covers of certain KagePro songs

And somehow the ROTRK anime is even uglier than MCA. Like GOD how do you look worse than Mekakucity Actors (MCA)

At least MCA is actually moving unlike the ROTRK anime which feels more like a Powerpoint/Slide show cuz things BARELY MOVE

KagePro is my favourite thing related to Vocaloid and the anime has been botched HARD like it really did my favourite Vocaloid series so dirty. I really do hope we get the KagePro Reload anime but it's still in copyright hell. I want a proper KagePro anime one day.

Honestly KagePro's storyline would work GREAT as a VN. I would love a KagePro VN.

I wish MCA at least imitated Sidu's art style cuz MCA's art style is sooo ugly

I hate that MCA (KagePro anime) is so fucking ugly 😭

Ene looks SOOOO cute in Sidu's arts but MCA's art style is so fucking ugly

Ene, I am enduring this anime (again) for you and your 3 slay bfs

Though I do enjoy MCA's covers of KagePro songs!!!

KuroEne Scenario Idea (NSFW)

(CW: NSFW~ISH TEXT)

Ok so with the video of his voice up above in the post, I wanted to bring up my KuroEne scenario ideas

Ok I'm gonna make a NSFW~ish comment but uh with this mf being like THIS. With the whole, "Yes… That expression of yours… It's wonderful! Lovely, indeed, isn't that right?"

I was imagining a scenario where KuroEne are being intimate and Ene feels tears pricking her eyes from the pleasure, and Kuroha notices and just leans in and licks up the trail running down her face.

(He does this with drool and with their fluids after they finish, too)

When they finish, Kuroha reaches out and runs his finger through the mixture of their fluids and teasingly brings it up to his mouth to taste, both out of curiosity and because he wants to see Ene's flustered reactions, and Ene goes like, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!? THAT'S DIRTY!?" ( ˶°ㅁ°) !!

And Kuroha just goes like, "Don't be so surprised~ I want to savour this, after all."

Sadistic parasitic snake bf

Kuroha sings a lullaby to Ene

The softer tones of his voice are so nice. Like this is what I had in mind with my scenario from before where Kuroha sings a lullaby to Ene and whispers into her headphones (ears)

Other Rambles

I just had a realization tho. In the KagePro manga, Saeru tells Azami that she would've never gotten betrayed if she didn't get involved with humans in the first place, and she asserts that her late husband Tsukihiko never betrayed her. Saeru then goes like, "Well, it matters little now, does it?"

Like it just made me think about in the context of a Kuroha ship AU, he feels confident and "secure" because he is ultimately the one in control in their relationship, and the one that holds power (ie. power over knowledge, and power in physical strength)

Like the power imbalance is overwhelmingly in his favour.

The fact that the power imbalance exists isn't inherently a bad thing, it just means you have to tread carefully with depicting his ships.

With KuroEne, I try to balance out the relationship as much as possible by making Ene more assertive and dominant in the ship too. I think it'd be fun for them to switch bedroom roles to spice up their "games" (trysts)

He directly manipulates the outcomes of events in Routes. And due to the nature of the body he uses (Konoha's body), there's no way his partner would be able to overthrow him or backstab him or whatever.

I was just thinking about this but for Kuroha, Ene is the type that is REALLY easy to read and be able to tell or have an idea of what she’s thinking, especially via her expressions. Like she really is the type whose heart ends up showing on her sleeve and giving her away

Just in general, Marry, strengthened by more Snakes, is the only one that would actually be able to do something to him physically, since she is the Master and Queen of all the Eye Ability Snakes.

...

Context

Since I showed a scene from MCA, I'll just sum this up quickly in case any of my non-KagePro mutuals need it

In the very beginning, the Snake of Clearing Eyes (Saeru) is created out of the medusa, Azami's first and strongest desire to understand who she was. Saeru exists even before the creation of the world.

The Snake of Combining Eyes (the Queen Snake) is created by Azami's desire to have a place to understand who she is. Thus, at the beginning of every new Route, Azami ends up (unintentionally) creating the world with Combining Eyes.

At some point, she ends up settling down and having a family with her husband Tsukihiko, and has a half-Medusa, half-human child, Shion. Saeru views Azami's love for her family as foolish.

Saeru detests the world for changing Azami's wish from wanting to know who she was, to wanting to be with her family forever, so it devises a scheme to "destroy" and rewind the world.

Because once Azami developed a strong love for her family, Saeru, as her servant, and her original wish (the one that created him in the first place), were left behind and forgotten.

He felt that the desire that gave his life meaning was being thrown away and also worried that he'd lose his sentience if that desire faded away. When Azami despaired over outliving her family, Saeru approached Azami with the proposal to create the Kagerou Daze, a never-ending world so that she and her family could live in.

Azami proposed the idea to her family, but eventually ends up going into the Kagerou Daze alone after her family was targeted. She believed she was bringing misfortune to her family cuz humans inherently feared her as a Medusa

Centuries later, Azami witnesses her daughter Shion and granddaughter Marry's deaths by humans in the real world, and orders the Kagerou Daze to swallow them up to save their lives. Both Marry and Shion are only compatible with the Queen Snake, so she can only save one of them.

She gives Marry the Snake of Combining Eyes (Queen Snake) so she could return to the real world, but loses control of the Kagerou Daze after doing this since the Queen Snake was needed to control the Kagerou Daze and control all other snakes.

So now the Kagerou Daze repeats her last order - swallow them up and give them new life. It will swallow anyone who dies on August 15th, the same day that Shion and Marry died.

All of this aligns with what Saeru wanted - he tricked her into trapping herself into the Kagerou Daze, a place where time doesn't flow. Azami's Kagerou Daze basically appears as hell to her.

[grimescum-2]

part 2 !!! with talk of shitty old fandoms i was in so cw cringe for that (no offense intended). i talk about better stuff after the first 3 paragraphs though. mostly one big ramble for fun

i remember when i was huge into danganronpa i had a new wife every month or so it was kinda funny. i guess thats what kept me in the fandom for so long

umm..... kazuichi will always be my number one fave character from dr evn if he contributed jack shit. i love that he's a sad weirdo with a big stupid crush on a woman way out of his league. korekiyo (minus the inc3st shit), gonta and twogami are fairly high up there

when i was really big into bnha my stupid ass was more obsessed w todoroki than the superior choice of Literally Everyone Else (not really but still). when i finally gained sentience and got better taste i was big on iida and shigaraki :o3 i like shigaraki because hes ugly and weird. when i saw how they anime boy-ified him in the recent episodes i was so fucking mad u have no idea.. and umm i like iida because he is autism incarnate and very cute

not an old fandom but jojo!! kinda the same case w dr, i always had a new character i had a crush on. given just how fucking many characters r in jojo its no surprise its the fandom ive been in for the longest.. anyway if i had to choose my absolute faves it would be mista, gyro, kira and mikitaka. but again i love so many of them its crazy

persona 5 :o3 HUGE on yusuke. i still think he's cute, him n futaba are my faves. i've been starting to appreciate ryuji more now though.. other than that i like maruki, the other guy with the long black hair and futaba's dad who's name i just forgot. also i love yosuke from persona 3 but i havent seen much of it

i love basically everyone from guilty gear but faust, axl, testament and slayer hit the hardest. i was so shocked when i found out slayer had an irish accent it was so fucking crazy.. irishman jumpscare..

from the various horror movies ive watched i love brahms heelshire (hellshire? forgot), billy lenz, herbert west (duh), otis driftwood/firefly and umm. whicherver guys i forgot. I haven't watched tcm yet but i am in love with chop top and leatherface ok <3

w/ kaiji ultimate survivor its very easy to pick. def just ichijou and kaiji. the rest im either uninterested in or find them to be too ugly. i did have a brief thing for kazuya though

... i think thats mostly all of the significant fandoms ive been in . THANK U IF U READ ALL OF THIS U R SO AWESOME!! even if u didn't tbf i dont blame u HWYAHA

me writing this

[emma-radfemcanu]

Sorry everyone it's time for another 'I'm sad because Stefanos lost' essay x (it makes me feel better writing it out)

Like, he never does well at the US Open for some reason and at least it wasn't as bad as last year (although tbf that is a VERY low bar lol) but he was literally serving for the match at one point ugh. He has never made it past R3 here idk why?

He's had a rough season and it's especially frustrating because he had such a good start with the AO final and United Cup :( but then he got injured which completely threw him off for clay which is his best surface, and so his ranking has taken a bit of a hit and I don't like it

He also finally made some changes to his coaching situation (that's a whole saga in itself lmao) which has definitely had some positives but it's an adjustment, it won't fix things overnight. So it's been mixed results but it's very early days and I'm trying to stay positive- I won't lie though, it's hard

I've said this before but I take his losses so personally because so many people genuinely hate him and are thrilled when he loses. And they hate him for all the reasons I love him- I get why people find him weird and annoying, but to me he's always felt very relatable. I get that's a weird thing to say about a pro athlete but all the stuff he's said about being shy and lonely and struggling to make friends has always rung very true to me

I'd like to think that using 'autistic' as an insult would be considered unacceptable. But hey, it's Stef and he's annoying and we hate him, so it's apparently fine :/ and it's quite likely true- there was an article not too long ago where his dad said he (Stef this is) has always been a bit weird to the extent that when he was at school the teachers were this close to being like 'maybe we should do some special tests' IDK picking on someone who is likely autistic for being annoying and weird doesn't sit right with me at all

I still feel very sad about the whole thing but it's done now. I just hope the rest of the year is better :( the good news is he has a lot to gain next year. And I won't lie, it makes me feel much better knowing that Rune was a higher seed and lost in R1- sorry Holger lol

[galactichelium]

Man. This is the least I have drawn in like, at least 10 years. I don't know why I've been lacking in ideas. Though, admittedly, on the 1 or 2 ideas I have been able to come up with, due to not drawing for so long, now I've lost my rhythm with drawing and nothing even comes close to looking right. Augh. I really hope I'm able to get back into drawing eventually. Because I really do love drawing.

Extended ramble below the cut 😭. It wasn't supposed to be so long but it just kept getting longer. Basically, tl;dr: There are SO many fucking factors that have seemingly contributed to this. More than I realised before making this post, even.

I think probably part of this also is my chronic pain, because I think I first got into this art block back in December 2021. Of which being when my chronic pain started getting really bad. Though, back then it wasn't as bad as it has become. Up until around August 2022 I was still for the most part making a drawing a month. But since then, I've only drawn 2 drawings. One in December, and then one in February. And I didn't even post the February one.

Another potential factor is that, well, my art blog url is "officialkarkat". At the time, it did feel like a proper expression of me, as I tied a lot of my sense of identity to this character, but. Around the same time my chronic pain started getting worse weirdly enough, was around the time when I began to realise that while initially doing this did help me figure out a lot about myself, at this point, it felt more like something I was hiding behind. Not being my true self. (Not that I'm not a kinnie anymore, I am, but yeah.) But then I've been stuck on what to do, because I've HAD that url for 2 or 3 years, and I also still can't even think of anything better lmfao.

There's also the fact that I did get a job in October 2022. While I have very little hours, it still does get in the way because I always have work on Fridays. Almost always exclusively. So the rest of the weekdays I get stuck in ADHD "waiting" mode, waiting for work at the end of the week. And the weekends feel like a recovery period.

I also am now using a completely different art program as of December 2022. Because I've been trying to switch computers, but wanted Linux on my newer one, but I couldn't get CSP to work on it despite my numerous attempts at different methods. So while I have completed 2 drawings using my new art program of choice (Krita), and have become more familiar with it by messing around in it every now and again, it still doesn't quite feel like home. Does that make sense.

And last potential factor. My newer computer is a desktop computer instead of something like my Surface Pro was, which, in hindsight, was a kick in the foot. I thought it'd be better because I could get better specs for cheaper with a desktop. And I thought that getting a graphics tablet would be all that I needed to get right back into it. But I didn't realise just how essential being able to pick up a pen at any time and just start drawing was, to my drawing process. Back then this was true, but even more so now with my chronic pain, of which gets worse with inactivity, thus making big drawing sessions impossible. Though when I got this desktop (June 2021), that was yet to be a big factor. I mostly only even got a new computer because well... my surface pro, at the time, was 8 years old. Now it's 10 years old. I got it second-hand 5 and a half years ago from eBay. It could now probably fall apart at any moment. I'm surprised it hasn't already. Though there are a lot of problems with it tbf. However all this being said, having my desktop computer has helped with chronic pain in a different way. Y'know, having more proper posture. But it still comes at a cost with how accessible drawing is.

But honestly, out of all of these. The two biggest factors getting in the way right now I feel like are the fact that I'm very out-of-practice, making it harder to get back into it, and the chronic pain. But. Augh. All of these different things happening all at once 😭