#tbf it was a normal day but i like that good is becoming my new normal

[fern-pajamabrain]

i’m really glad to announce that today was an actual good day

[thebigsl33p]

Last Words of A Shooting Star (Part One)

A/N: this is the longest fic I've ever written, and this is only part one. A lot of love has gone into this, I'm super excited to share it! If there any mistakes or stuff please let me know. Uh, Aleksander's kinda OOC bcs it's early days and I'm not traumatising him yet but I am gonna make everyone so miserable in Part Two, I promise, and then he'll become a mardy bastard. Masterlist will be up with the second part, and my main will be updated.

Main Masterlist

people I thought might appreciate being tagged: (If not, sorry!!!):

@augustwithquills @myanmy @noortsshift @archangelslollipop @vaguekayla @budugu @inlovewithfictionalmen444 @weallhaveadestiny @dreamlandcreations @bookloverfilmoholic @lost-tothe-centuries

Warnings: Violence - murder, not too graphic, I don't think. I think that's all, if not please let me know. tbf, canon level I think but maybe I'm delusional

Word Count: 8260

Fic Playlist:

Aleksander has always had a fascination with the night sky. He can’t help it. It’s the darkness, he thinks, it runs in his blood and makes up his flesh, how couldn’t he be absolutely enamoured with it? 

Maybe it’s because it was the only constant. 

So much of his childhood, his years as a teenager and as a young adult were spent travelling, creating new identities, learning new landscapes, new faces, new names, new buildings, all of which would disappear and be replaced every two weeks. And sure, the daytime was nice with the sun and all. But it wasn’t as peaceful, didn’t bring him that same tranquillity as when he would lay down in a field, gaze up and try to name all the constellations, find new shapes and make up new stories. 

Perhaps it all changed due to the incident at the Grisha camp. He had loved sunlight, the dark had scared him. But now, something was different - that air of peace was replaced by a penchant for the tenebrosity that the night brought with it, and a love for the small lights which decorated the dusk. 

No matter where he went, whether he was North, East, South, or West, the night-sky was the same. Always that deep monumental blue speckled with little dots - little lights, little moons, little stories - which people like him called Stars. There was nothing quite like laying in a field, feeling the cool summer breeze or the biting winter gusts and knowing that you were so small, so insignificant compared to everything that burned up in the cosmos. 

He was young then. Young and naive. And it was before her.

Looking back on it, Aleksander should’ve known better. Hadn’t the incident at the Grisha Camp taught him that? Wasn’t it what his mother drilled into him constantly? Trust no one. Never show your abilities. Touch no one. He was, politely put, a fool. 

He was a young man when his life changed, for the better and for the worse. It’s hard to remember exactly, but he believes he was around nineteen, and he remembers it was a hot summer’s evening. The day had been spent working. He couldn’t have known then, but that ‘work’ was the beginnings of The Little Palace. But back then, it was him being - as his mother would put it - foolish, and helping other Grisha travel across Ravka. They were hard to find, and even harder to trust, but gradually, slowly yet surely, he was building a good network.

But during the nights, just for a little while he could let that go. He could lay in the tall grass, head tipped towards the dark vast sky and he could stare up at the stars and pretend he was normal, that shadows weren’t absentmindedly curling around his fingers.

For some reason he struggles to remember memories before that time. They’re blurry and vague, little snippets and days that he’s lost with his extended age. But that particular night, he remembers it vividly - his long hair brushing his cheek in the wind, the hard dirt under his head, the hum of nature and bugs, the bustle of a town not so far away carried on the wind, and the stars. They were the brightest he’d ever seen them, almost restless, buzzing in their eternal placeholders. Something, he could feel, was wrong.

The image of the star falling to Earth is eternally seared into his memory.

It appeared faster than he could comprehend - one second it wasn’t there, and then one second it was. He sits up on his elbows, completely transfixed and stunned by, what he at first presumes, is a shooting star. But gradually, he realises it’s getting bigger, faster… closer.

This burning bright ball of cream yellow light, tumbling through time and space and existence, tumbling towards him. Sitting there in the field, stunned by the sight, he’s sure he can hear it fizzling and crackling, knows it’s completely impossible from this distance, but he’s certain of it. Something tugs in his chest, somewhere between unbridled intrigue and panic, his mother’s words of warning echoing in his head. The intrigue wins, it’s an easy internal battle of common sense and childlike wonder which he thought he had long abandoned. 

Aleksander scrambles to his feet, accidentally getting dirt on his palms and his trousers but he barely notices, head still tilted to the sky and his breath caught in his throat. He can see the trajectory of the star, where it will land in a section of the forest just a bit off from where he’s camping out. His eyes widen, a small smile, and before he knows it he’s stepping towards the tree-line, his black boots thudding on the ground as his footsteps get quicker and quicker. 

To anyone else, the forest might’ve seemed daunting, especially so late at night. But the Shadow Summoner stepped into it without hesitation, the wizened terrain underfoot switching to a softer crunch of twigs and leaves. Once inside, he loses sight of the star, the canopy of the forest shielding it from him, its only indication being the unnatural light it shines through the leaves onto the forest floor, making his journey easier. He dodges twigs, branches, spider-webs, ducking and batting them out of the way quickly, balancing looking at the floor and where he’s going with gazing up at the foliage covered sky for any indication he’s travelling the right way. 

He doesn’t know why he’s following after the star. He doesn’t know how he knows it’s a star. It feels more akin to when you’re in a dream, and you just know something is. Something about it compels him, drags him forward and pushes him on, deeper into the forest.

When the star makes impact, he feels it. In fact, Aleksander’s sure the entire world might’ve felt it, the shake in the trees and the ground, the birds disturbed from their midnight peace quickly fleeing their homes at the rattle of the branches and leaves, the dust-like dirt stirring. And it guides him to the star - the cracking noise it made as it hit the ground unmistakably came from a fraction to his left and so, he followed that way. 

He knows he’s getting closer when the damage becomes more destructive. It’s no longer just disturbed birds and dirt, it’s entire trees tilted at an angle as if God had pushed a finger into the dirt and tilted them, their roots peeking through the soil. But in the middle of the makeshift clearing it is dark, the disturbed dirt floating and drifting through the air and concealing his surroundings. The ground is severely dented and compacted, forming a large dark crater which Aleksander can barely peek over. 

He shuffles from the damaged treeline, his boots creaking on the soil as he tries to catch a glimpse over the edge of the vast crater, but it’s wide and deep, and the edges are loose. He’s careful, his Shadows waiting obediently for his hands to move - for some form of attack or defence. But it never comes. 

Instead, as the clouds of dirt clear, the centre of the crater gradually became more visible. The middle was, overall, smooth but it slopes and nicks here and there. He had expected to see a rock, some large grey bland thing which ultimately would’ve made this all less exciting. But what he sees instead has his eyes widening. There, in the middle of the crater, is a young woman. She’s asleep - passed out maybe - her arms loosely stretched outwards, her hair splayed, messy and white. It’s not even like he can say it’s grey, or silver, or blonde. No, her hair is white, paper white, as white as the dress she’s wearing. It fits her well, skims over her body without constricting too much movement.  He notices she has no shoes on. It dawns on him that this sleeping woman, this girl, is the Star and his brow furrows softly. 

He barely hesitates before he’s sitting on the ledge of the crater and sliding down it, his boots landing on the compacted soil with a thud. In a few strides he’s standing over the sleeping girl, and then in another quick action he crouches down and picks her up, the back of her knees bent over his arm, her waist in his other as he supports her back and her head lolls. He huffs in soft amusement, and walks back the way he came, gently hoisting her up the wall of the crater with as much care as he can, using his shadows when he has a spare hand. It’s hard, and takes a bit of manoeuvring, but he gets there eventually before he pulls himself up. It’s a surprise to him that she hasn’t woken up yet. 

He didn’t feel comfortable leaving her there like that, asleep, vulnerable and barefoot where anyone could’ve found her and not have known what they had stumbled on. He picks her up again, and begins his journey back through the forest, a little slower and with a little more care, mumbling to himself - to her - as they go. She doesn’t stir once, her head propped against his chest, her hair tickling his arm slightly. 

The journey back to where he was camping out is peaceful. It’s quiet, save for his footsteps or the rustle of clothes. Occasionally, the moonlight catches her and she sparkles a bit. Literally sparkles, reflects it like a goddamn mirror. It really is a sight to see and it makes his lips quirk up a bit. 

When they get back to the field, he’s careful. Aleksander lays her down on his mat, adds a few more logs to the fire and covers her with his coat. He thinks of checking her for injuries or damage, but decides that can wait until she wakes up. He doesn’t want to be a creep, and if she’s in pain she’s probably better off telling him when she wakes up, than him finding out for himself. 

And so, he settles himself on the other side of the campfire. He leans his head on his pack - considering the girl next to him has his mat - and tries to get what little sleep will come. 

-

When Y/N wakes, it’s in unfamiliar surroundings. The first thing she’s aware of is the cold. It’s not freezing, but it’s uncomfortable, and she tucks her legs up under her until she’s in a ball, tugging the blanket under her chin. Blanket? No. She shouldn’t have a blanket. It shouldn’t be cold… 

She sits up fast and quick, all lethargy gone from her body as her eyes widen and she takes in her surroundings. She’s in a field. On a mat. And someone’s dark, large coat is over her body. It’s early morning, the sky a pale grey, a low mist settling on her surroundings and a light dew coating the grass. She can feel heat on one side of her, but her head is turned towards the foggy treeline. She tries to recall the last things she remembers… being in the sky, existing, and then a sudden gap which she can’t figure out, and then she wakes up here. 

She’s caught in thought, trying to make sense of her surroundings when a voice says, “You’re awake.” and her head whips around. On the other side of a fresh campfire is a young man, dark eyes, long dark hair, pale skin and dark clothes. He’s roasting a rabbit over the fire - no doubt freshly caught from the knife that sits beside him. His pack sits beside him, his eyes never leave her, even as she expresses soft panic. 

She tries to get up, but her body aches, and he holds out a hand, “Easy. I’m not… I’m not going to hurt you. What’s your name?” he asks softly, waving to her to relax. 

She answers hesitantly, her eyes scanning the boy, “Y/N.” she says eventually, “You?” 

“Leonid.” Aleksander lies, looking between the campfire and her, “Are you hurt anywhere? You took… quite the fall.” 

“Funny.” Y/N says drily, “How long have you been working on that one?”

From the grin that splits his face, he’s clearly secretly pleased with his dad-joke, “Just this morning.” Leonid - Aleksander - turns a bit more serious, “Are you, though? Hurt?” 

She shakes her head, kicking the coat off her and putting it to one side so she can sit up properly, “No, I’m fine.” she mumbles, “Just achy.” 

“Mhm, I suppose that’s to be expected.” he holds the cooked rabbit out to her on a makeshift fork, “Here, eat. You’ll need it.” 

Y/N takes it hesitantly, sniffing it before picking a bit of meat off it with her fingers and eating it, “Thanks… who are you?” 

“Leonid.” He repeats. 

“No, I meant like - where am I? Who are you - like - how did you find me?” 

“Well,” he leans back on his elbows, glances around, “You’re in a field, near Vernost, in Ravka.” he says, “and I am…” his brow furrows softly as he figures out how to phrase this. She’s a Star - would she even understand the difference between Grisha and Otkazats’ya? 

He says it anyway. 

“As I said, my name’s Leonid, I’m…” he’s hesitant - would a star really have prejudices? He hopes not. He takes a foolish chance. “Grisha. You know what that is?” 

She nods, offers him what remains of the Rabbit. He waves it off, indicating that she finishes it. “Why are you helping me?” She asks, tilting her head. 

“My, you’re just full of questions.” he sighs, “I saw you fall. I wasn’t just gonna… leave you.”

“Right.” Y/N’s eyes narrow slightly, “is this your coat? Here you can have it back.” she nudges the coat towards him. 

He gives her an amused look, his eyes moving down, then back up, “I think you’ll need it more than me, zvezda.” he muses, smug almost. 

She glances down at the dress she’s wearing. It’s simple, plain, and he’s right. It’s too thin for the current weather - she’ll be better off as it warms up during the day - but for now, she accepts the coat with a small, amused huff. 

"C'mon, eat that fast," he says, indicating to the rabbit, "We've gotta get going before the sun is too high." He's already tucking away the few things he got out, "I'm gonna walk you to the nearest town, Vernost, leave you somewhere safe, okay?" he glances at her, "Get you some shoes and some more suitable clothes. Until then…”

He reaches into his pack, produces a spare undershirt and hands it to her with an almost apologetic look, "Better than nothing." she nods in thanks.

She takes the shirt with a grateful nod. Once she's finished the rabbit, she stands and hands him the mat, watching as he rolls it up and tucks that away too, and then they're set to travel. She pulls on the undershirt over her dress and while it hangs loosely it provides a bit more comfort, and then she shuffles on his coat. It’s too big for her, completely contrasts her bright eyes and white hair, the sleeves hang loosely and she has to roll them up. 

 He wants to make her as comfortable as possible, and so shows her the map he’s using, highlights the path they’ll be travelling with his finger, showing their way through the woods, worries a bit over her lack of shoes and then they’re walking. 

The path to the town is simple, through the woods, past her crater, and then a little further for about fifteen or twenty minutes. He’s careful to go first, his harsh boots making some attempt at flattening the ground for her barefoot condition. Aleksander considers picking her up - no, too weird for someone he’s just met - and she doesn’t seem to be in any pain. 

They keep walking. The sun rises higher, the morning beginning just as they make their way into Vernost. It’s a small town, but a good town. The hustle and bustle of people, farmers, artisans, builders and blacksmiths is accompanied by the gentle murmur of the small local market, travellers and locals who move between stalls and shops, horses’ hooves on the cobblestone, the crowd parting for an occasional rickety wooden carriage.

He glances over to her. The look of awe on her face is somewhere between sad and endearing. She’s struck completely by this tiny town, the smallest, simplest form of inhabitance, and yet it brings nothing but awe and wonder to her gaze. There’s a sense of yearning in the way her eyes run over everything as they walk, as if she’s desperate to take it all in, to retain it, keep it held to her chest - to make life hers. To have all of it - to know the joys and the sorrows like the back of her hand. Aleksander could practically see the light come to life behind her eyes, as if she’d finally woken up to something wonderful. 

He smiles, somewhere between amusement and appreciation, and places a hand on her shoulder to steer her through the crowds which are slowly getting busier, “Easy tiger.” he says and she laughs sheepishly. 

“It’s just all so…” she doesn’t know how to describe it, the words to explain the way her heart is racing all jam up in her throat. She has a heart. The rushing of blood, just the wind against her skin, it’s all she ever wanted to feel, and now that she can feel it, now she’s no longer confined to the night sky, she’s in complete and utter astonishment, raptured by everything around her. 

“Kinda overwhelming?” He suggests, raising an eyebrow as they walk. He’s keeping an eye out for a Cobbler - or anywhere that sells shoes, really. Again, he casts his eyes down to her bare feet and feels guilt and concern rise in him, that the streets of Vernost, nor the woods are exactly clean, and they must be hurting by now.

But one glance at her face and he can tell she barely feels it. It’s just dirt - it can be washed off. However, it doesn’t ease the guilt. 

-

The first time she ‘shines’, is over a piece of cake. 

They’d been travelling together for a few weeks now. Aleksander was a fool to think he could leave her alone in Vernost, his worries, concerns and guilt over the Star getting the better of him. They stayed for a few days there, giving her a general introduction to the workings of human life in a contained and somewhat non-threatening environment. 

In their few brief days in Vernost she tries a range of food, stews, desserts. He explains money, the current politics of the country over a bowl of stew from the Inn they were staying at, explains the prejudices and segregation of Grisha, the violence. They get her clothing, a shirt, an overvest, trousers and boots, and a small bag to carry her non-existent belongings. She folds her dress into it for the first few days - that silky silver material which catches in the moonlight - and it fits surprisingly well, tucks into the corner of the satchel. He explains to her how to read the map, all the different little symbols. In some ways, she’s like a child. Her lack of general knowledge about the world is understandable, but she catches on fast, much faster than anyone else could’ve. 

Well, they’d been travelling together for a few weeks, developing a relationship that might even be called friendship. Aleksander had to make a few adjustments to the way he travelled - he was still telling Y/N his name was Leonid - occasionally they travelled at night. Honestly, it made more sense, he felt more comfortable in the darkness, and she had more energy. But it also made them bigger targets for suspicion, people travelling at night were often suspected of Grisha related activity… which is exactly what he was doing. She was just along for the ride, and the last thing he wanted was for her to get dragged into his problems and potentially harmed. Conflicting morals, he knows. 

They’d passed through a few villages on their travels, small places which minded their own business and were good for occasional stock ups on food, water, supplies. 

He doesn’t know why he bought the slice of cake. Aleksander had decided it was good for her to develop her own independence, and so she had gone to make her own way around this small town they’d stopped in. Meanwhile, he perused the sparse shops for anything of use. 

The slices of cake were sitting in the shop window, all of them uniform in their cream decoration and the small slices of strawberries which sat inside and on top of the layers of sponge, and all of them placed delicately on little porcelain dishes. He enters the shop without thinking, purchases a slice to take away, lets the person wrap it away in a small tissue and carefully takes it, slipping it into a safe part of his own bag. He’s careful for the rest of the day in the way he moves - making sure not to squash or compromise the baked good. He can’t quite wrap his mind - nor his heart - around why he’s done it. Why did he suddenly feel the urge to buy her a slice of cake of all things. But he’s glad he did. Aleksander hopes she’ll like it. 

He presents it to her over their campfire for the evening. It’s a small thing made of dried grass and twigs or any larger pieces of wood they could find but it provides light and heat and that’s enough. They’re sitting either side of it, across from one another, having just eaten bread and cheese for dinner. Twilight is setting in the sky, and he can see it on her - the way her eyes are slightly brighter, her laugh slightly more mellow as they chat over their food. 

He reaches into his bag by his side, clears his throat and says, “I got you something.”

Y/N’s brow furrows softly, and she tilts her head as he continues, “I just… it’s small, but I thought you might like it.” and he produces a square shaped thing, slanted, and wrapped in tissue, still preserved, offering it to her in the palm of his hand over the campfire. 

She takes it gently, “What is it?” as she delicately peels back the tissue. The cake is… well, cake. The sponge is a soft pale yellow, the cream delicately placed and the strawberries are slightly softer than they should be, but won’t make too much of a difference. She raises it to her nose and hesitantly sniffs it, which gets a chuckle out of him. 

“It’s cake.” he answers, “Go on, try it.” Aleksander encourages her with a wave of his hand. 

She raises her eyebrows and lifts the cake to her mouth, taking a small bite. Her eyes instantly light up, and he laughs at her reaction as she mumbles, “Oh, Saints, this is really good..” Around a  mouthful of cake. 

She eats a bit more, and then holds it out to him, “Want some?” 

And that’s when he sees it. She’s shining. Literally glowing. Radiating light, her very skin and hair giving it off like it’s nothing. His breath hitches as she lights up the field. It’s not particularly bright, but it’s strong and it makes itself known. She’s like a mellow night light, and it only causes his smile to widen, “You’re um…”  he gestures at her - at her glowing. 

Her brow scrunches up - it’s cute - and she laughs sheepishly, “Shining?” 

“Yeah. That.” he grins, leaning back on his palms. 

She huffs, a huff of mock exasperation, “I’m sorry - I can’t… it’s not something I can really control. It just happens, y’know. Like…” She averts her eyes to the flames of the small campfire, “If I’m happy. I shine - it’s what stars do best.” They both laugh a little. 

“Well, it suits you.” Aleksander says gently - his voice much softer than he meant it to be, or than he’s comfortable with. When did he get so… compassionate? He internally grimaces, but for some reason he feels an odd sense of endearment to this girl. 

“Yeah,” She responds with a wry grin, “I should hope so. I am a star, after all.” 

And again, they both laugh. 

-

Aleksander didn’t intend to keep her with him for so long. He didn’t intend to introduce her to his friends - to his connections, to the people across the country who help him with his work. He didn’t intend to get her involved. But they’ve been travelling together for three months and in that time, he’s discovered a wide array of things. 

The first is that she’s good with a sword. Perhaps good is an understatement. She has a natural balance about her, maybe it’s her celestial nature, but watching her with a sword is like watching art. The handle sits in her palm with an easy weight, she swings it with an air of freedom and lax, yet with complete control. The blade is, undoubtedly, hers. 

They had discovered her penchant for swords in a rather unfortunate situation. They had been a touch careless. He was feeling more secure with someone else travelling at his side. And so, had paid less attention to his surroundings. If there was one con of her having her around, it was that she was a touch of a distraction. 

They had passed through a village. They stayed to briefly eat lunch sitting in the town square, and then had gone to pass on just as quick as they came. It shouldn’t have drawn attention. But it did. 

They hadn’t noticed the group of men watching them, looks of disdain on their features as they eyed up the two of them, mumbling to one another. They’d managed to avoid trouble so far, steering clear of Druskelle and negative situations, but on that day, something had given them away as both travellers and Grisha. It was hard to say what - perhaps it was the way they murmured and laughed quietly with one another, maybe the tell-tale way his hands moved. Perhaps he’d been careless and a slip of shadow had been noticed. They couldn’t say for certain. But these men, standing and sneering, they knew.

Either way, Y/N and Aleksander were followed back to where they were camping out by the night. It was just a clearing off the main path they were following, and they had been very comfortably sitting, eating, laughing as they did each and every evening, lit by firelight and accompanied by the low hum of bugs and the weather slowly turning cold. She noticed the figures first.

They seemed to come out of nowhere, far enough away that she could tap his shoulder with a quiet, “Leonid. There’s people.” 

His brow furrowed softly, and he turned over his shoulder in the direction she was looking at. Three men, two shorter, one that was a bit taller and lagged behind - all three variously armed. One man - short, dirty blonde hair and a face marred by smudges of dirt - carried a small dagger. The second, slightly taller with a slightly more muscular frame, had dark hair that was greying at the roots, a knife, and a snarl. The third and final man, the tallest of the lot was passive, but his eyes glinted in the firelight with nothing malevolence, and in his goliath hand was a sword. 

The man with the dark hair speaks first, accented and gruff, his eyes pinned to Aleksander, “Grisha, aren’t you?” he asks the question in a way that betrays he already knows the answer. 

Aleksander doesn’t answer. He’s careful. Delicate. She’s sitting behind him, watching the interaction, hesitant to move. He needs to think this through in a way that puts Y/N out of harm's way. His eyes never leave the men. 

There’s a movement out of the corner of his eye - the second man, wielding his dagger up quickly, his movements fueled by disgust. Aleksander’s quicker, raising his hand with two fingers pointed up, creating a wall of shadow which the dagger clashes against, and in that moment he’s scrambled up to his feet, grabbing Y/N by the arm and pulling her up with him. He runs. 

He’s not used to running. He’s used to fighting. But at the moment he’s responsible for two people’s safety, and so he pushes forward, yelling at her to go. He expected the men to follow. He didn’t expect the largest to go after her, the three men separating into groups of one and two. The two come after him, dagger and knife, and he has little time to worry about Y/N before they’re gaining, 

Aleksander’s efficient, his hands move fast to bring forth his shadows, forming sharp points which pierce the chests of the two men with harsh crunches, their weapons dropping into the grass as their bodies go limp, blood drooling from their mouths as the light leaves their eyes. 

He breathes a sigh of relief, but then he’s alert again at the sound of someone crying out from behind him. His head whips around, and he sees Y/N, and the largest man. He’s backing her up against the tree line, she’s almost frozen in fear when she trips over her own feet and onto her back. Her eyes widen, the man leers over her, sword readied and in a brief moment of fear and desperation she rears her legs and kicks his knees. 

The man grunts, hisses in pain as the sword drops from his hand so he can clutch at where she kicked him. Amateur. And in the next instant she’s lunged across the ground for the sword, where he dropped it, scrambling for it. She’s still on the floor, and she turns onto her back as the man’s attention is brought to her again, large hands reaching to cause her harm. 

The sound of the sword cutting into the man is almost deafening. She does it without thinking, pure survival instinct as she cuts the man's stomach, her hands firm on the handle as blood coats them both, her breathing heavy as she pulls the sword out and the man falls back, dying slowly. 

She’s frozen, and Aleksander’s eyes are almost as wide as hers. He takes a few loose footsteps towards her, a few more which are a bit firmer before he’s by her side, kneeling beside her and cleaning the blood off her cheeks with his sleeve, gently taking the sword from her iron grip and laying it beside her. 

“Are you okay?” He asks quietly, and it feels stupid. She’s covered in blood, shaking, tears in her eyes and the only thing he can think to ask is ‘are you okay’? Saints, he’s an idiot. 

He moves on, still wiping the blood off her as well as he can as she nods her head shakily, “It’s alright. You’re alright.” He says quietly. He remembers the first time he killed someone - the guilt, the fear, the horror at yourself. He frowns softly, as the thin shine of tears comes to her eyes and she looks away. 

Without thinking about it much more, he picks her up, scooping her into his arms, hooking the back of her knees over his arm as she turns and curls into his chest, her crying quiet and barely audible as he carries her back to their camp. 

-

After that, things are different. They’re closer, in a way.

Y/N keeps the sword, keeps it tucked by her side, takes care of the metal and the handle. She’s good with it, he knows for a fact, and he feels more comfortable knowing she has a means of handling herself. The emotional toll of the murder hit her hard. Perhaps, she thinks, she wasn’t meant to feel emotions like this. Her very existence is in conflict. She’s not meant to be able to feel this way, she’s meant to be a star for Saint’s sake! 

But there is something so very human in the guilt she carried in the days after the attack. She was quiet, much quieter than she usually was. At first, she was hesitant to carry the sword. So, instead he carried it for her, catching her eyes flickering towards it occasionally, the way it swung by his hip and the metal caught in the sun. 

One evening as they walked, she offered to take it instead. 

“Do you want me to take that?” she had said, a quiet, unspoken I think I’m okay now. 

“Are you sure?” he asked, “It’s not heavy, I’m okay to carry it for as long as-” 

“No, I’m sure.” She nodded, her look determined and firm, “My safety shouldn’t be your responsibility alone.” She explained, “We should be responsible for one another if we’re going to be travelling together. And I can’t do that if I’m unarmed.” 

He nodded in understanding, and softly unhooked the sword and the holder, and offered the handle to her. She took it, measuring the weight in her palm, before she put the holder on herself and slipped the sword into it. She took a breath. 

He spoke first, “I should tell you something, Y/N. Y’know, if we’re going to be stuck together for a while, I don’t want to keep you in the dark.” he said. 

She didn’t respond, simply nodded and waited for him to say what he had to say. 

“My name isn’t Leonid, I lied. I’ve spent most of my life having to conceal who I am, what I am, and so I hope you can understand and forgive my deception.” He paused, breathing relief into the night air, “My name is Aleksander.” 

“Aleksander?” She echoes, and a small, intimate smile finds her features, “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Aleksander.” She says, in that half-teasing tone he’s become so accustomed with.

He rolls his eyes but can’t fight back the grin, “You’re an ass, do you know that?” 

“Ah, you may have mentioned it once or twice.” She shrugs, unable to wipe off that teasing smile from her features. 

He huffs in mock exasperation before his tone turns softer. He’s found he has a habit of doing that. Something about her makes him better, gentler. He almost feels human around her, “I mean it Y/N,” he says quietly, “I’m sorry I lied to you, especially for so long.” 

“It’s fine,” she says with a small smile, nudging his shoulder, “You’re forgiven, if that eases your conscience.” She’s still slightly teasing, but her tone is mostly compassionate. Endearing, even. 

“Thank you,” he says, grinning as he nudges her back, “Saints, you’re insufferable.” 

She gasps, dramatically feigning offence. For a star, she’s caught onto the culture of sarcasm and drama rather well, and he laughs at her display, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as they walk. It feels right. 

“How are you finding it?” He asks, as they walk, “y’know, being human? Is it weird?” He checks in on her this way every now and then to make sure she’s not overwhelmed. But this is the first time she answers differently. 

“...As a star…” She sighed softly, weighing up her words, “You’re constantly watching. You’re up there, watching all these little people have adventures and lives and romance, and it’s… it’s yearning. You want those things too, y’know? You want to be flesh and bone as well, to feel emotion. To cry, and be happy, and be angry, and to know what love feels like. You want adventure, the big things in life like… meeting someone. Or having a family. Or getting an education. Making a difference.” She laughed softly, “But you also want the little things - like cake, for example. And music, and friendship, and to share meals with people you care about.” 

She glanced at him, and then back to the path, “I’m glad you found me. I don’t think anyone else would’ve done such a good job at making me feel welcome in a world that isn’t strictly mine.” 

Her words were soft, quiet, and sincere. And it made Aleksander’s heart stutter in his chest, but he kept his composure and managed, “I’m glad I found you too.” 

-

Aleksander takes her to a place he calls ‘the sanctuary’. 

He explains it to her on the way there - a building, a place, where Grisha can support, aid and train other Grisha. 

It’s been months since they first met, and by now the warm comfort of the summer is fading, replaced by cold golden sunlight and browned leaves, wetter grounds and harsher gales. And so, he takes her there.

The sanctuary is a medium-sized, pale stone structure, hidden away in the middle of nowhere, concealed by thick woods and trees. It’s squat, but wide, the front of it gives away nothing but a set of rounded wooden doors. He takes her hand - she’s not even sure he realises that he’s done it - and guides her with him to the front. Her sword swings at her side as she follows, standing beside him as he raps his knuckles on the wooden door a few times. 

The door opens a crack, she can’t see who’s on the other side, but Aleksander’s gaze meets theirs and they open it. On the other side is a man, short brown hair and green eyes. He’s rather skinny, but his strength is held in his eyes. He lets Aleksander in without issue, nodding his head softly. Their hands are still linked together and so, she goes to follow. 

But the brown haired man stops her, a hand coming to her chest to halt her, his eyes narrowed and dark, glancing back at Aleksander. He answers, “She’s with me, Andrei.” 

“Grisha?” The man interrogates. 

Aleksander huffs, “No, Andrei. But she’s been helping me for the past five months, let her through.” 

Andrei’s eyes narrow in suspicion, and he glances at Aleksander finally before letting his hand drop and allowing her entrance. She nods her head softly, and follows after Aleksander. Y/N feels him squeeze her hand, a quiet apology. She squeezes back as he guides her deeper into the sanctuary. They pass rooms, beds, people who nod at him as they pass and whose eyebrows furrow when they see her trailing after him, and her stark white hair. 

Inside, the sanctuary was busy. It was filled with the hum of people working, all in various clothing - some injured, some healing, some cooking, some reading, teaching, training - it was almost a wonderful study in the kindness of human nature and community that had her eyes widening. 

“Are you alright, Zvezda?” he asked softly, turning back to her over his shoulder, “Are you overwhelmed? We can…” 

“No, it’s… it’s wonderful.” She said quietly, her wide eyes meeting his, “I mean- it’s astounding. I’m good.” she nodded, indicating for him to keep going, “It’s just… in all our time travelling, I’ve never seen anything like this.” 

He laughed softly, pulling her closer by her hand, “I guess,” he grinned, “I’m proud of this place. I’m glad you can see it like that.” 

They spend at least three weeks at the Sanctuary. 

Aleksander takes his time to introduce Y/N to those around her. He shows her around to all the Healers, the Heartrenders, the Inferni, the Squalors, Tidemakers - technically, he shows her off to everyone. But no one knows, really, who - or what - she is. He doesn’t say. People press and ask and inquire, “Oh, what’s her Grisha order?” “Grisha, are you?” And everytime, one of them answers, “Oh, uh, No.” and refuse to elaborate further. 

It has the entire building utterly perplexed as to who this strange white haired girl is, and why she has the Shadow Summoner wrapped around her little finger. Not that The Star or The Shadow Summoner can see it, no, they’re completely oblivious. They don’t see how they’re quiet giggles, teasing, conversations might be perceived as intimate. Nor how the amount of time they spend together might be seen as suspicious.

But when you’ve spent everyday with a person for just over five months, all day, everyday, it’s very hard to separate yourself from the comfort they bring.

The confession comes late at night. 

Now that they’re in a place like the Sanctuary, they have their own rooms. They’re only small, and they’re a short walk away from one another, and it gives them each a privacy they haven’t experienced for a few months. For the first week - it’s nice. Having their own beds, their own time, being able to spend some of it alone with their thoughts. 

He notices it first. That he’s restless. It’s late at night, most of the building is asleep save for those on night watch, and he can barely close his eyes without feeling disturbed. He feels the need to do something - anything - and so, he gets out of bed, slipping back on his boots at the end of his bed and deciding he’s going to go for a walk. Maybe it’ll help clear his mind. 

Aleksander’s almost embarrassed. He can’t… he can’t stop thinking of her. He’s annoyed at himself for it, for letting him get that close, for letting him be so vulnerable to someone who wasn’t even human, who had a child’s grasp on the world… 

No, that was being unfair. He calms himself as he steps out of his room. He knows he’s just agitated, tired, a little giddy, and he takes a deep breath as he starts off down the corridor, careful not to let his boots thud too heavily. He doesn’t know where he’s going, he decides he’s just going to walk until he comes across something distracting or gets tired. 

His feet take him to her room. 

It’s the same size as his, and from the crack in the door he can tell she’s still awake, can hear a slight shuffling inside, candle light flickering on the floor. He realises now, why he’s there. What he’s come to do. And his heart lurches in his chest, but he understands that it’s now or hold his tongue for another few months and he doesn’t want to do that. 

Aleksander wants her to know about the Y/N shaped cavern she’s carved into his life. He wants her to know about how all those nights spent travelling in fields were not something he was willing to give up so easily - that when spring came he hoped to do it all again. With her. That he thinks of her endlessly. That when he wakes he hopes she’s still sleeping beside him, just a campfire away. And he wants her closer. He wants her. It’s as simple as that, that he wants to see her smile at him, and laugh - he doesn’t care if it’s at him or with him - Saints, he just wants her happy. 

The revelation comes to him, standing so close to her yet so far, on her bedroom doorstep. He takes a breath, steels himself to the sound of her soft humming from the other side of the door, and then raises his fist and knocks three times. 

By the first knock, the humming stops. By the second, she’s walking over to the door, he can hear her footsteps. And by the third, the handle is turning. The door opens and he lowers his hand. She’s standing on the other side. Of course it was her, he knew it was her. It doesn’t stop his heart from thudding against his ribs, nor his breath hitching quietly. 

The light from the candle makes her seem fully celestial, casting a golden hue across her features, and darkening half her face to accentuate them. It bounces off her silver hair, catching in the strands like a contained forest fire. 

“Aleksander?” Y/N greets softly, a small amused smile as she tilts her head in soft confusion, her brow furrowing. 

“Zvezda,” He greets softly, his eyes catching in the candle, so dark you can barely separate the pupil from the iris, “Can’t sleep?”

She shakes her head with a small laugh, beckoning him in with her hand, “Always got more energy during the night,” she sighs, “And it’s taking some getting used to, not sleeping in a field, not waking up…” next to you. 

But she doesn’t need to finish the sentence, he simply hums in agreement and shuts the door behind him, leaning on it, “I know, it’s a big adjustment.” He runs a hand through his long dark hair, “How are you finding the Sanctuary?” 

“It’s nice,” she says softly, briefly fixing her words in a slight hurry, “Sorry, that sounded- it’s lovely. The people are kind, the community is wonderful, food’s much better than bread and cheese and meats,” She grins, “No offence.”

He laughs, his nose wrinkling with the action, “None taken. In fact, I completely agree.” 

She sits on her bed as they talk, tucking her legs underneath her, “Can’t sleep either?” She probes.  

Aleksander shakes his head as well, “No, feeling restless. Same reasons as you.” He admits, feeling a bit more at ease with the slight indication that the comfort they feel around one another may be mutual, “I guess,” he sighs, bracing himself to admit it, “We spent so long together. A week was fine - but it’s weird. I keep on… waking up and expecting to see you.” 

“I know,” she agreed quietly with a small laugh, her head bent down to her hands in her lap, “it’s strange, isn’t it? I feel weird not… walking with you, or doing something, seeing a new town or whatnot. And I have this feeling.” She frowned softly to herself.

He tilts his head, folds his arms, “What feeling, Zvezda?” He asks, his brow furrowing gently. 

“I… I don’t know.” she said, her eyes narrowing as she looked not quite at him - but just over his shoulder - “It’s like… this…tightness.” her hand came to her chest, her nose scrunching softly, “Here. Like… nausea. But not quite - I’m not going to be sick. And I can feel my heart. And it… it feels like wanting. But stronger?” 

His eyes widened a fraction, “And uh, when do you feel it?” 

She tilted her head, her eyes zeroing in on him in confusion and uncertainty, “When…” when I think about you. “Oh.” She said quietly, “Is that what that is?” her hand gently rubbed her chest, clearly where she felt it strongest, a sheepish laugh as she turned her eyes to the candle, anywhere but him, “They don’t describe it like this in the books.” 

He breathed a sigh of relief as he realised that he wouldn’t have to explain to her that what she was feeling was, at least, a crush. If not more. Aleksander laughed softly, “No, no they do not.” 

Y/N laughed too, mildly embarrassed and still somewhat avoiding looking at him, her hands fidgeting, “Look, I’m sorry-” 

“Don’t be.” he cut her off, “Don’t be, please don’t be, you’ve done nothing wrong.” He cleared his throat and took a sharp breath, standing up from leaning on the door, “It’s… it’s  mutual, Y/N.” and he took a hesitant step towards her, “Zvezda.” He said the nickname to get her attention. 

It worked, her head turning slightly, and he continued, “Please don’t ever apologise for having feelings.” He said, his tone so much softer than he was comfortable with, “You’re a human now.” he laughed a little, crouching down in front of her as she sat on the bed, “It’s your job now. To feel. To make the most of life. So,” he said with a playful shrug, “we both have… crushes on one another.” It felt childish to say ‘crushes’ but he couldn’t think of a better word. 

“I mean…” he sighed softly, “That’s kind of… why I came here.” He confessed. 

“Really?” she asked quietly, watching him intently as he spoke. 

“Really.” he echoed, standing up. She patted the bed beside her for him to sit, and he gratefully took it, glad she was taking this all so well and she wasn’t clamming up about their feelings for one another, “Look, Y/N, Zvezda. You’ve changed my life,” he said with a small laugh of disbelief, “I mean… you’re a Star, for Saint’s sake. You are, by nature, brilliant. And you’ve been nothing short of that in the months we’ve been travelling. Even if your humour is appalling.” He softly teased, earning a playful grumble of, “It is not.” from her. 

“It is!” he insisted with a teasing grin, “You laugh at all my bad jokes, dear.” 

“Yeah well,” her initial embarrassment was beginning to fade as they engaged in their usual banter, “I think that says more about you for making the bad jokes.” to which he scoffed, and she dispersed into laughter, the two of them leaning back on the single bed. 

The laughter lasted a moment longer before fading out with a soft, content sigh. He grinned at her from where he was, a hand reaching forward for hers as he softly, half-teasingly, murmured, “You’re doing it again.” 

“Doing what?” “Shining, Zvezda.” 

“What can I say?” she laughed quietly, her head finding his shoulder, “I’m happy.”

A/N: I cannot wait to go to bed. And also to start part two. Goodnight!! <;3

[little-buzz]

In case anyone's wondering; there's an update on my chest binder issue!

Y’all, I FOUGHT the gc2b support care for a new chest binder. I’m not gonna show the proof though because I’m not gonna out the poor person who had to deal with my stubborn ass.

While I was polite in the messages, I essentially BEGGED to get a size up in the chest binder I bought. Honestly, it was on me for getting a size too small on a final sale product. I read the policy, and it clearly stated refunds and exchanges were not allowed. It made sense, all things considered, because this was a final sale.

The employee (bless their heart) couldn’t compensate me for the money given the policy. I kept profusely asking for some type of compensation btw. Despite this, the employee caved and allowed for an exchange. Now I have to ship the binder back out, but I can’t do that yet because I’m going on vacation for a few days. I wanna preface this isn’t the employee’s fault! They were simply doing their job, and I had an issue with the company.

Normally, I wouldn’t unleash my inner aggression like this. If this was a shirt or something else, I wouldn’t have fought as hard as I did. Chest binders are very important to me. They make me feel more confident and less dysphoric. Not every trans person feels the same way I do, but a chest binder is a must for me. I want to feel good about the clothes I wear and the way I present myself to the world.

If anything, I should probably take more breaks with my binder, but it becomes a habit to wear it for most of the day. Because it’s summer now, I’ve been binding less, which is a good and bad thing.

I was incredibly surprised I got what I wanted out of this. Tbf, I wasn't gonna go down without a fight on this chest binder.

Anyway this was me:

[the-s1lly-corner]

"And what will you do when I can't recognize you?"

Eyeless jack x reader angst but it's based around my specific hc that "jack is cursed bc cult stuff and hes forced to eat flesh; and his mind and body are degrading into something not.. human"

So yeah basically reader and jack trying to cope with his whole monster metamorphosis

Cw. For body horror, and tbh this is mostly me rattling on about my hcs of how jack became eyeless jack

That was something he said to you one night, unprompted

Of course you both had a vague idea of what was happening to him; but neither of you had answers... let alone fully understood

Of course, he knew more than you. He was the one living with this... curse.. and he had it before the two of you met

But even now, it was showing how ugly things could get, and it was only the beginning

Obviously; his appearance was changing. His skin became.. cold, veins were showing, he simply looked like he was dying. Obviously, he had pits for eyes, which were constantly dripping this cold black ooze. His ears and teeth were now pointed, and his fingers ended in claws. But other than that; he more or less looked like a normal person, if you overlooked those silly details

Oh, his tongue.. no matter how you may feel about it, the process of how he "obtained" the monstrous thing is horrifying.

To spare the details, his original tongue essentially split into the half dozen tendrils it is today

Not good stuff, and he felt all of it

And of course there's the psychological and behavioral effects of the curse; to get the big bad out of the way, he can no longer eat normal food. No need to elaborate. Good news is, as of now, he doesnt need to feed often. But when he does, he runs the risk of losing control, almost becoming animalistic in the way he behaves

That's his main fear

He's expressed that those frenzies happen he finds it harder and harder to contain himself, or come back down

He worries that one day you'll be the one getting chomped on

Really, there's nothing either of you can do to stop this or lessen the effects of the curse

Bro only has two options; suck it up and become a monster that can't resemble anything of this world. Or die

There already were some nights where he may have snipped at you. He didn't mean to be aggressive, but he was trying so hard to keep it together. He needed you to leave the area and stay away for a while

Some days his memories begin to cloud, that's probably the scariest for him. It'd be scary for everyone, obviously

I dont typically like writing angst without adding some sort of comfort, or happy ending, but that sort of thing just. Doesnt exist here. Jack's fate is pretty much sealed, and what sucks is that he didnt ask to be dragged into this

This is all sorta based off that spin off backstory jack got (though tbf I dont recall if it was even made by his original creator, though my take is in a silly au), where he makes friends who are (unbeknownst to him) in a cult and had plans to use him

Bro didn't want this, and really the whole thing is tragic

Of course, I'll still try to add some comfort, as it feels wrong to just drag this man around like this

Smells seem to have a positive response

Makes sense; its said that the brain ties smells to memories, and associating it with certain things

So if you wear a certain perfume or use a certain detergent to wash clothing, he'll definitely remember and recognize it. It seems to help him come down after a bad spot

Journaling can help him keep track of the days; though you'll need to give him some time on that... hard to hold pencils when you have claws..

And of course, comfort him; be there for him

I wish I could end this kinda bummer hc ramble off on a lighter note, but the whole thing/this side of eyeless jack is just so

You know?

Anyways yeah I write all my eyeless jack stuff with these ideas in mind so

Yeah, that's why I tend to write EJ all gloomy and reclusive

[kaija-rayne-author]

Dragon Age Veilguard Review 5.2 in series

34.5 hours in. 32.5 hours playtime.

Obligatory disclaimer you can just drop to the cut if you've read it.

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I'm on media blackout while I play this, so I'm only getting second-hand info on how awful it is right now in the DA Fandom. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

Spoilers for Dragon Age Veilguard

5.1 section here.

This is a long one.

So. I managed to play for a good portion of the day. I'm exceedingly grateful it held me.

Around about 27 hours? I felt immersed in the story, and this part of THEDAS. It shouldn't take 27 hours of playtime to suck me into a game. That in the writing world is what we call shitty pacing, poor editing,. and just... take it right back to the drawing board.

It could just be me. I'm notoriously hard to suck into stories because I was foolish enough to become an editor. But I've never had that problem with a DA game before.

I managed to finish the team. I like Davrin, Taash, and Emmrick. My favs so far in order are (yes, I'm cringing 🤣) Lucanis, Taash, Emmrick, and Davrin. With a close follow-up by Bellara.

I wonder if it's Lucanis's VA doing it? I am a bit of an accent slut and I have a definite voice kink. TBF they did change him a whole fucking lot from the Wigmaker version. Even if he does look like Dracula.

Getting misgendered in game sucks as much as it does in real life. So content warning on a person misgendering their kid and the person they're with (Rook).

But generally, the trans rep is handled in such a loving, beautiful manner, and I have to give AAA+ on that front. I feel seen in it. Seeing and helping Taash on her journey is healing, and just wonderful to see in a triple A game.

But lets talk about accents yes? WTAF? In every other DA game they stuck with regional accents for the different regions. Anyone from Antiva had anywhere from a light to a heavy Spanish accent. Anyone from Orlais was French. Tevinter in the personage of Dorian and even Neve had/have British accents. It wasn't ever really 100% but they at least tried. And I loved that.

This game doesn't feel like they tried at all.

In like... a lot of ways. How do you go from something so intricately and delicately intertwined as DAI to... this?

It's all just mid. Meh. I'm sorta into the story enough now that it doesn't feel like I'm slogging through blight to play it anymore. But if I couldn't finish the game? I don't think it would bother me for long. And that's something that would usually drive me bonkers.

I miss the collections. Everything from the mounts to the silly bottles of wine to collecting gifts for the right character. I miss that... I dunno... feeling of actual importance the Inquisition had?

Like. All the pieces line up in DAV. People dying. More people gonna die if someone doesn't step up. Intrigue. Betrayal. Nasty demons and darkspawn running around. But it's missing something. I'll figure out what it is eventually, but it's almost 3am so it probably won't be right now.

It's also a completely, horrendously, unbalanced game. On a normal level, (Adventurer in DAV), a regular gamer should be able to get through it without a whole lot of difficulty. A challenge, yes. I actually do like to be challenged a little in games. Maybe a death or two here and there but not in every damned fight. I wish they'd make the option to turn death off available for every level. I get stomped often enough that it's so annoying to sit through the reload. And reloading is where I've had the most problems.

At Keeper level (easy) it’s far too easy for me. At the next level up, (Adventurer) it's really pushing my skills in a very not fun way. There's like, no even scaling.

I miss the crafting! I miss going harvesting for stuff that I could build funny armour with. I had the Iron Bull in Dawnstone (pink) armour because I thought it was fun and his character probably wouldn't have cared. I always head canoned him saying in that don't fuck with me tone, "I like pink."

I miss being able to make special armour for my crew. It just... uuuugh. It's missing so much of the delicately intertwined details that made DAI such a good game. The bottles of wine and Warden notes in DAI gave you hints to Warden lives.

I miss being able to make potions and bombs. And unless I've missed something, you just can't? You can't grow anything either. Growing stuff in Skyhold gardens was one of my favourite things about DAI. It's like they've taken all the really intricate and interesting details that made DAI such an awesome game and... given us this. Milquetoast Veilguard. The mounts were gifts from different areas and peoples, so it tied that into the world.

But at least I finally have armour that leaves elves feet bare. I really really wanted that.

Here's why.

I also have to admit that I do like how the wardrobe makes changing the way your gear looks does make it more streamlined, but I really really miss the crafting. I am trying to provide a fair review, after all.

The plants you grew had to be collected from various areas and used to make bombs and potions. I really miss that. Yes, you collect stuff to give to the Caretaker to upgrade or enchant your stuff, but 1. Why the fuck do I have to break so many barrels to get stuff? Who thought that was a good idea? Sure, a little, but there's barrels fucking everywhere. I'm a completionist player so tend to try to do everything. And 2. Collecting the different armour patterns, and the materials to make stuff like bombs, potions and explosives with was a large part of what I loved about DAI and DAO.

The Lighthouse has grown on me. But isn't it part of the Lore that living beings can't enter the fade? So uhhhhh... do we have a massive plothole there or did I miss something?

Manfred is fucking awesome 😂.

What in the world did they spend all that time doing if it wasn't going to be an intricate, detailed game?

They seem to have spent all that time on fucking with the looks of the characters and the graphics (to the game's detriment), messing around creating new demons because sure... we needed fortnite knockoff demons. Oh, and we mustn't forget the not-fucking-darkspawn. They've already contradicted themselves about them in game. They say at the beginning (I think it's Bellara?) That maybe these are old darkspawn rather than new. Then later in game they say Gilly has been making new darkspawn. Sure, Bellara could've just been wrong, but that wasn’t the feeling I got.

I do like the skill tree. That is much more streamlined.

I like the map. It doesn't feel like Dragon Age but it's a decently functional map. Reminds me more of DA2 than I'd like because that wasn't a good map.

I mostly like it at the Lighthouse. I like being able to see if companions have something to talk about so I don't spend time running around to each of them trying to see if they've got something new. That was an actual weakness in DAI I'm happy to see fixed.

The different ways you could decorate Skyhold were related to which areas and cultures visited a lot of the time. All those details they chose to not use for DAV were what made DAI such an epic game. To be fair, it might be similar for the Lighthouse. I haven't explored decoration options. I'll try to look at it soon.

And yes. Again. The best part of this game is the backgrounds, scenery, and environments. It's honestly the only thing holding this mess together. Rivain is fucking gorgeous. I love Treviso. Arlathan is amazing. Bit meh on Minrathous but despite living in one, I'm not really a big city sort of person. The puzzles aren't very challenging. And I miss the ocularium. That tied ancient elven and even Tevinter history into the world.

It very much feels like they've just decided to not care about the Lore and swept most of it under the carpet. A large reason I play DA games is the mental puzzles all that Lore gives me.

Also, foreshadowing should be subtle. Not the experience of being whacked over the head with a hammer.

And FWIW? Given standard medieval-esque health care? That wound Varric took would've absolutely been fatal. If not right away, then eventually. I'm really hoping they aren't going toward 'noble sacrifice' with him.

I'm not bothered by the different accents amongst the veil jumpers, or even the different races. Yes, it's letting shem hands touch ancient elven secrets, but it's also accurate to a lot of indigenous cultures. As long as you followed their ways, they welcomed new people (until things got really bad due to colonization and cruelty). The commonalities between First nations cultures and the Dalish are hard to miss, so that part works for me. (My ancestors were indigenous.)

I mean. Yeah. I'm Neurodivergent in a bunch of different ways. Change isn't always easy for me. But every single game I play has changes. I play a lot of games. I don't remember ever feeling so utterly betrayed by them as I do about DAV. If I had any expectations for this game, they were pretty low. And yet... even though the bar was on the ground, they've managed to disappoint me.

I'm still gonna keep playing. I don't hate it. But like... I'm not even sure if I can say I like it. Bits and pieces, yes, but as a whole? Nah. I love the Ziplines, those are fun. I like the ease of walking over logs and stuff now. That was a nightmare in DAI.

And I need the distraction right now, as long as I don't lose complete interest, I'll keep at it.

Oh. And the Owlbear in BG3 is absolutely cuter than Assan. Don't get me wrong. Assan IS cute. But... between the two? Owlbear wins.

Oh... and in all that time I played today? I didn't see Solas. Sooooo yeah. They completely sidelined his character. Makes me wonder if they made the decision to change the name from Dreadwolf to Veilguard and just nixed a lot of his content because of piss baby whiners who didn't like Solas. Which, if they did that? Is really shitty. Also, if he got sucked into the prison he'd had the gods in... where exactly are the other Evanuris! Stuck in there with their jailor?

And if the Caretaker is who I think it is? I'm gonna be pissed. (Felassan.) That is such a cop-out way of bringing him back. The Lore supported a bunch of different ways for him to return and if they went with that? UGH. I do like the boat between islands in the crossroads, that's fun.

I'm pretty sure I know who the Gloom Howler is. The bandages and the line 'they were never yours' gives it away if you've read the books. I figure she ran into the Architect. Did y'all notice how much her head looked like his?

I could be completely wrong. But enh. It doesn't really matter. I honestly can't see myself replaying this. If I even manage to finish it.

Section 6.1 here.

[tiodolma]

do you know of any complete mergana slowburn besides ‘you can’t fight fate’? do complete mergana fics even exist?

by "slow burn" you mean one where there’s a lot of pining, fighting and not really getting together that quick right? There are a lot of complete MerGana fics!!!! You just gotta start at the oldest (especially in ffnet) and give the fics a chance.

I'm actually still at circa 2012 in ffnet and im reading thru a lot and seriously a lot of gorgeous long fics. The normal lengthed fics are so cool and good too and i often take a while to recover and open a new fic.

tbf "you can't fight fate" is ridiculously long and big so we gotta lower that as the standard but okay i will try

AN ATTEMPT AT LONGFIC (COMPLETE) MERGANA FICS

.................................................

AO3

The curious case of Merlin and Morgana by kessilover - 19 chapters. this one absolutely my favorite and first real taste of the toxic dynamics and complicated healing process that MerGana will have to go thru if they get um redeemed together. AU where after Camlann event, MerGana wakes up in an alternate reality where Morgana is pregnant with Merlin's child.

Bound By Fate by Araminia16 - 54 chapters explicit. MerGana deal with Morgana's actions in the prequel to this. Slowburn in the way that they are still toxic and heavily attracted to each other. Secrets are revealed, Morgana and Merlin both deal with each other's righteous fury. and the future is rewritten

No Other Way by MonJoh - 12 chapters. Morgana and Morgause figure out that the key to Camelot is Merlin. Personally this is one of my favorite Magic Reveals.

Destiny's Path by MonJoh 11 chapters. Merlin accidental magic reveal that causes him to get banished. He ends up following aithusa's trail and rescuing Morgana.

The Witch, the Warlock, and the King by AngryPurpleFire 10 chapters. Merlin in the Dark Tower. Comes to an understanding with Morgana. This one is an honest exposition of Camelot dynamics.

The Tricoloured Dragon (Y Ddraig Dri Lliw) by jaqtkd 2 chapters but around 49500 words. The English King Uther is determined to bring Pagan Wales under his control and offers an alliance to the most reasonable of their princes. Balinor accepts his offer instantly and even offers a son and a ward to the king as security. It all seems far too good to be true. - not a slowburn per se.. but it's still long.

LIFE IN MOMENTS SERIES (FFNET) - a cool and very compelling series tbh.

A Lion and a Unicorn by Mnemosyne77 30 chapters and first part of a series. This one is truly a slow burn. Morgana has a nightmare where Merlin is dying. You should check this out.

A Life in Moments by Mnemosyne77 101 chapters. Part 2 of the 'Life in Moments' Trilogy and sequel to 'A Lion and a Unicorn'. Story told in oneshots, drabbles and longer story arcs across multiple time lines. Contents list is in chapter 101. Believe me, you'll need it.

A Haunted Lake by Mnemosyne77 Part 3 conclusion of the 'Life in Moments' trilogy. Down a deep forest path, through a crop of oak trees, and beside a vast field of wildflowers, there is a lake. It's a wondrous thing but the locals do not go near it after dark.

FFNET FICS

Challengers by brickroad16 14 chapters. I remember liking this a lot. and this has been recced many times so I put this here too.

Throw Out the Script by Eidolon02 37 chapters. I remember this being really cool too. Merlin reveals his magic to Morgana in s2. He teaches her and they become close (and pine a lot for each other). Even on this fic they keep clashing in their ideals and struggle to keep the balance. Please check it out!

A Witch's Hormones by Angela-Bennet 30 chapters. both merlin and morgana and the rest of camelot is sexually frustrated coz of some supernatural annual fertility event.

Resistance is Futile by Duchess Emma 16 chapters It's March 18 and our young lovers must resist the magical pull of fertility for three days or else their magic will be revealed. Yes, it is quite salacious. Now COMPLETE - this is kind of like "A Witch's Hormones" but a different kind of take. It's pretty cool

A Thin Line by Duchess Emma 31 chapters - Merlin and Morgana wake up handcuffed together in Cenred's dungeon. They have to put their hatred aside and work together to get out of this predicament. Will Merlin finally admit his magic? It's a thin line between love and hate. Very thin. - this one also explores their dynamics and what they can do when pushed into a desperate situation where they have to work together. also a pretty sexy fic as they try to fight the attraction they have with each other. merlin is frustrating as usual.

Semper by WingedWolf121 5 chapters. you are the Princess of Cornwall, who holds magic that in Camelot would get you killed. You will learn the art from the most powerful of teachers, Nimueh. If only this serving boy with the vivid blue eyes did not distract you so. Merlin/Morgana - I remember this was quite a slowburn. I dont remember much details but i thought this was cool too. I've seen this one getting recced by others

Heartlines by WalkingWit 37 chapters Modern Mergana AU A modern university AU set in a world where Uther is the British government, Morgana is his rebellious ward, Gwen is her indecisive roommate, and Merlin ends up as roommate to the king of clotpoles himself, Arthur Pendragon. A bit of swearing involved. - idk if you are okay with modern au but i like this one a lot. they remember their past life in this. so cool.

The Dark Tower by WalkingWIt 12 chapters Morgana captures Merlin, imprisoning him in the Dark Tower, and he comes to find they're not so different after all. Both are alone. Mentions of Freya. - this one is interesting as well

The Camelot Records Tour Modern MerGana AU - 16 chapters. Merlin and Morgana are both the singers and composers in their respective bands. Their groups were contracted to go on tour together. Repulsion and Attraction occurs.

ALSO IF YOU WANT 2 VERSIONS OF MARRIED MERGANA MAY I RECOMMEND YOU SPARROWS MAGICIAN'S TWO GORGEOUS SERIES

"Bliss" Series - Canon Compliant (multple fics) - Morgana returns to Camelot because of a prophecy post s3 (iirc). Merlin and Morgana gotta settle their differences.

and

Unwelcomed Arrangements 26 chapters - Unions of peace come from marriage. Uther must give away his ward if he wishes to make peace with Merlin king of Magi. Unfortunately, the new bride is already in love with another, and her dreams foreshadow destruction. Merlin has to find a way to save everyone, and win his new brides heart. AU, Royal!Merlin

.................

This is all I got for now. Like I said before. I'm still slowly, very slowly getting thru MerGana fics. I think I missed one complete Modern AU in this list but I honestly cannot remember anymore. The longfics, drabbles and normal sized fics keep meshing in my brain. I hope I can do a 2nd sweep of both fanfiction sites someday but. ah. I doubt I'll even finish within the year. I'm still overwhelmed by the magnitude, the diversity the richness of it all.

Hope you enjoy these longfic recs. And I do encourage everyone to explore. I'm just a very new Merlin fan. I just got here in Dec 2022. Everything about MerGana is new and amazing for me, even the 10+year old fics (Especially those fics tbh).

anyway someday i really hope i can make a better fic rec list. but how can i do that when i sometimes just want to rec everything on ffnet?? lol

Good day. And also tyvm for the ask.

[staryarn]

Also new guy dropped

Hi it's 2:47 am and I'm about to fall asleep so. If this is poorly written uh 👍👍👍

His name is Ven (or vey I havent and decided) and is the crow to my good dear limts nevermore.

Theyre roommates (ambiguous) 👍

Was supposed to be an arbiter of th3 h3at but honeycomb man is funnier (what's was I sewing uhhhh yeah just think of it as his day off honeycomb Hawaiian shirt and a fucking fur collar(

This is all my brain will spit out rn idk if someone from discord wants ikl answer questions about them (too top ahit 2 answer twhrw mm)

Tfw when you're on your way to striaght up exterminate a star of the city and some random ass fixer is there before uou and kills it. So you ask them on a date and proceed ro haunt tyem so deeply that a knock at the door puts fear into their heart. But tbf it already did that in the first place. Hey maybe ask tyem how the whole 'find my dear friendlenore's missing body' is going on . Sure would suck if a wing or smthn had it man. Anyways what's your relation to the pianist incident and the reverb ensemble.

Would suck if they joined some ragtag company to try and escape every dingle knock at their door only for them to eventually confront it with a clock like. Damn. Sucks to suck but at least they partially manifested their ego before joining the company. Hey I wonder who their scyth3 is a reference to and the whole 'violet somgbird' nickname. Oh the wonders of the city

More about lint (Celeste soliayre, my limbus oc)

-

Grew up backstreets district 9. Was like. Vaguely aware of roland and angelica. And also fond of them.

- manages to get a job as a fixer (they're like. 20 ish here) and goes into I course nest for a contract their office made.

- sucks to suck penist shows up. You know how that goes

- straight uo fucks off from their job to go towards the pianist (mostly getting people out of the way so they aren't music slammed)

- not fast enough to kill that thang (does watch it die tho so. Yeahg)

- they do pass by arugula afterwards. He's doing 👍

- heavily scarred and "inspired and enlightened" by the incident that it shows up in their own personal ego ,(some sorta thang I gotta design that goes around their neck) normally uses scythe as their base weapon but decided to go with a short range close combat weapon for limbus because they're bad at it.

- absolutely miracle this fucker hasn't distorted by now. Broke into tye library to trade info and then got booked six or something times (you gotta figure out how to unhook people no way that lady did it naturally first try when they let everyone out of the libraby)

- got in contact with an arbiter (bee guy) and gave whatever info they had because man. Theyrr not fighting him.(moreso they just fucking appeared at their doorstep and they had no choice but to answer)

-starts going up in ranks. Like a pretty good grade 2 almost grade one but trying hard as hell not to become a color (every color they know is a sicko. Sad sandwich man? Murder violence spree. Blue sicko? His emo band. Violet tear? The fucking orphanage. The red gaze? Divorced energy)

- straight up quits being a fixer for "unknown reasons" to join limbus. Also goes missing for like. 6 months before this.

- with their ego is does rely on them using parts of their voice as something to physically attack with (pianist 2 : small edition)

-theyre like. Tsundere but not. Like normal enough but also very easily embarrassed and lies about almost everything. An honest opinion out of them is 1 rare 2 scary as hell please lie again you were nicer then

Literally just Blue sicko 2: remixed .

The 'I'm (not) normal. I'm so so (not) normal 🫠👍👍👍👍👍" vibe

[daz4i]

ok one last suicide post for today and i swear i'll try to be more chill after that. emphasis on try

(fair warning this is very whiny and negative) (also tw for somewhat graphic death stuff)

i am sooooo done with everything. it's nothing new, i just. can't stand being alive for even one more day. getting out of bed was so hard today bc what's even the point. and tomorrow i actually have some shit to do and i'm already exhausted. already have been exhausted for a few days. i hate routines i hate that every week is the same i hate that the only shit that can spice it up is like, medical appointments. i look at my calendar and i see i have nothing to look forward to and nothing going on besides usual shit + medical shit. and i'm tired of those too. and i'm back to being in pain every day so it feels like all the food changes i made were for nothing and I've just been extra suffering for nothing bc i'm still. in fucking. pain.

and like beyond the personal shit i'm also done with bigger stuff too! i'm tired of the war i'm tired of seeing so much suffering in the world i'm tired of seeing loved ones going to funerals of ppl in their 20s. i'm tired of people dismissing this pain bc there are other bigger issues, or because our lives don't matter bc the number of losses is lower (or bc they just fucking hate us and can't see us as individual humans rather than some homogeneous group). i'm tired of seeing ppl i love care less about other lives bc of this, too. i don't want to live here. i hate this country so much. i can't leave, i can't even manage to leave my parents' house. i'm scared to live here. i'm scared to live anywhere else bc everywhere in the world is unsafe for ppl like me. everywhere sucks. everything in the world sucks so much. anything that can be beautiful gets taken away or destroyed. the world is becoming worse every day in every conceivable way.

and there's no point to any of this! there's no point in trying to get better or to make things better!!! BECAUSE the world is going to shit!!! what's the point in me making my mental health better (an already very unlikely task to fulfill) if there's nowhere for me to live. what's the point in working in the only field i can handle if i won't be able to make a living off it. what's the point in trying to build a life of my own if it'll never really be mine anyway, bc i can't fucking do anything, i can't even do basic shit like eating or sleeping like a normal person, i can't walk or stand for too long, i can't be outside for so many reasons, i can't talk to people and i can't handle being alone, i'm always in pain and constantly nauseous no matter what i do or how i try to fix it, nothing about my body works right and especially not my brain that can't fucking do anything right and only keeps working to make everything about me worse. i wish i was brave enough to just stab myself or smth. preferably in the head so i can shut that brain up for once. i wish i was brave enough to jump off the 9th floor. i wish i could drown myself or cut myself till i bleed to death or. i don't know. i just want to die. i can't stand being alive. there is too much bad and the specks of good are so fleeting that they're not worth it, not to mention come with their own bad stuff usually. and all this. all this bad is just too much for me to handle. but it's a natural part of life that i can't avoid (tbf, most people don't staight up suffer to the point of wanting to die from like, eating or going to the bathroom, so it's probably easier for them). i was not meant to be alive i was not built to be alive i wish i died in the who knows how many times i almost did i wish i drowned as a kid i wish i bled to death when i split my head open i wish my heart actually stopped pumping blood when it almost did i wish that truck ran into me and killed me on the spot i wish the fucking terrorists shot me or stabbed me and made sure i was dead i wish those 30 pills would've actually done something. i'm so tired. i hate this. i hate being alive. i hate life itself. i'm done with everything i can't handle it anymore. i wish i wasn't a coward so i could at least try to die again. or someone was willing to kill me. or anything. i just. i can't.

[danpuff-ao3]

The Making of: Obscene

For something that is only 1,864 words, Obscene was hell to write.

2022 Kinkuary. Day 23: A/B/O.

After my great accomplishment during 2021 Kinktober (7 works in one month, not bad!!) I was determined to write for Kinkuary. (Spoiler: I only managed 2 works that month.) (Still not too shabby, tbf.)

I had a handful of ideas, all jotted down in a notebook. Of them all, the 2 I completed were my top priorities. The first was The Alchymist II....which is a story in of itself. But that work was a rewrite and repost of a previously deleted fic.

Obscene was new. And while I retain complicated feelings towards The Alchymist series, Obscene is...special.

For one, I really love a/b/o stories, and I'd been wanting to write one. I was also, oddly, scared to write one.

There is a lot of great commentary on the potential of a/b/o stories, with a lot of worldbuilding and as a statement of real life issues. It's valid commentary, and I do love a good a/b/o story that delves into all of that juicy potential.

But I'm not gonna lie to you. I really love the smut.

I love the animalistic urges. I love the dubcon (if not outright noncon) vibe of it. I love the weird biology. I love the built in excuse for mpreg.

And I'm really, really, really into...well...bodily fluids.

I looooove me some bodily fluids in stories. I love the grossness. I love a good mess. I was drooling at the thought of just fully leaning into all the fun bits of a/b/o, or what I really enjoy in them. But let me not get too explicit here. You can read the fic itself for that.

But that drive is what really drove the whole story. And it really gave me my opening:

Never has Severus been so wet outside of heat. 

It’s humiliating; obscene.

There were a few pressures at play. For one, never really having written a/b/o and feeling that people would have expectations of it. How many times I reminded myself it's a fictional construct in a fictional story and I could do whatever the heck I wanted! Secondly, the worry of writing "yet another a/b/o porn." Again: reminder to self, you can write whatever you want. If people want an in-depth exploration of society and biology and blah blah they can do it themselves. Three: the "deadline."

For reference, daily prompt events don't usually have a hard rule about posting on the prompt day. That is primarily my OCD brain being ultra particular and restrictive. I did, in fact, miss the prompt day. Day 23 was a/b/o day. This fic went up on Day 28. But since Day 28 was "free day", I didn't beat myself up too hard over it!

Lastly...I decided to gift this fic to LilaDiurne.

Which presented a whole host of other concerns. Gifting fics can be so scary! Especially when you're gifting works to such a gifted writer. Even more so because Lila has a fabulous a/b/o of her own, Brighter Than Bright. I know Lila enjoys a/b/o, and I knew she wouldn't mind some good a/b/o smut, but...well. I was still daunted.

There were aspects of the story I worried wouldn't be to her liking. I worried the end product wouldn't be good enough. Endless worries and second guessing. But it mattered to me to write this story. And it mattered to me to gift it to a friend.

Every word was hard won. Stress, I find, is very detrimental to my creative process.

And...well...I can admit one last issue. Aside from the stress, when I'm personally...well...into smut, it becomes a challenge to write. Normally because I'm overheated and panting at the screen. How embarrassing!

So...stress + breaks to be horny. A winning combination for the Struggle Bus.

Eventually I completed the dang thing. And edited it to death. And posted it and crossed my fingers that Lila wouldn't hate me or judge me for it. (Silly of me, really. I'm sure she'd have appreciated it even if she hadn't liked the story.)

That Lila did like it was a huge relief to me!

That so many other people liked it, well...that was a shock. A very happy one!

Any fic doing well is great, but especially one you've pulled hair out over! Makes the whole ordeal feel like it was worth it all, in the end.

[astrojaxsaga]

A lot has been happening in the past few months! All good things. Unfortunately not weight loss-related, but that's secondary to life TBF.

I recently (like ~1.5 weeks ago) got back from a workshop/conference in Tenerife, which is an island in the Canary Islands in Spain (essentially the closest I have ever been to Africa). This is my final trip this year, and I am so excited to just stay home and relax and focus on myself for the holidays. I do not need any more added pressure.

The workshop was amazing, the food: divine & cheap, and the experience unforgetable. One aspect of the trip was a day tour of the island where we stopped for lunch in Garanchinco (the most beautiful city in Spain™) and toured the Mt Tiede Observatory and did some observations. The rest of the week, the weather was of course not cold for Nov. Probably a low of ~20°C, and one day it was up to 30. It was smart of me to bring both shorts & jeans just in case. I traveled light, I packed efficiently, and I did nothing outside the conference because frankly, I just wanted to be there for the workshop and get back home.

I have done some amazing travel this year, after such a long hiatus during covid. Essentially 3 full years of virtual conferences and no ability to travel, which is like the main perk of being a grad student. Underpaid? Yes, but also compensated with cool experiences. I'm really lucky to have had these trips this year. Probably before the new year, I will have to write a little blurb about the 4 different countries I visited (:

Regardless, my routines have been taking a hit, and it felt like I couldn't start up a schedule to work out without it getting impeded by my travel plans. This year has been busy (and rewarding!). But I am finally taking care of myself.

Mainly, I have been investing in figuring out my ADHD (recently diagnosed, as an adult) and trying to avoid binge eating. I haven't been working out consistently until I could invest time into managing all other aspects of my life, now that I don't need to travel. Right now, I have been starting up some trial medications and tracking my progress at work/home. So far, it is night and day. I am feeling so much better, so much less stressed and I'm able to stay in the present so much better. I feel like, happier? More grateful for things? Less anxious? (Obvs more productive?) My thoughts aren't swarming me all the time with all the things I have to get done and on what timeframe and what else could I be forgetting and who do I need to consider and how am I going to get it all done and....it gets intense. I am feeling so much less overwhelmed. I feel like I keep saying to myself, "Is this what it's like to be normal all the time??"

There is a part of me that is sad that I went so long without knowing I had ADHD, because everything was so much harder for me and I thought it was my fault. But I know I'm not lazy. I know I'm not stupid. I just struggled for so long. Watching people pass by me (academically) when I know I work harder than them. I know now that I CAN do a PhD, my work is worthwhile, and I am constantly becoming a better version of myself. Most of this was me and me alone, but with a little recognition of my struggles and some additional support for the deficiency, I think I will finally be able to get there.

[overbearingstruggles]

Hi! Tbf I’m quite new to all this but what is the proof or why everyone thinks Alex and Janelle were dating again? Seems weird as I remember them back in the day and seeing thing make me think wtf 😅

So when I was making the Lisex separation timeline I fully realized just how much Alex/Janelle were impossible to pin down. Truly running on motherfucking vibes. If at the end of this you aren’t convinced I’m not even mad because when I say you had to be there noticing pretty normal posts in real time, I mean it!

Lemme start with including this little piece of crazy because personally(!!) I think in some way she helped fuel the Lisex separation. Alex is grown and he made whatever decisions may have lead to his farm vacation, but I cannot shake the way some things add up.

But fr, lemme just start with the singular Biggest Thing of her in his Magna Carta tshirt. If you aren't convinced with this being the biggest thing I Get It.

The first time we know of Alex and Janelle in the same space also happens to be the first time we see Alex being social in LA and shitfaced and having fun and they are scandalously (lol) sitting together on a counter. Suspicion starts immediately which seems unfair and yet

After that, she’s just always around. The only women seen here are girls who are dating these mens.

The rest of 2021 she is AT. THE. SHOWS. Erin and Shay are around often but she is everywhere! And she was never at ATL shows like this before when being besties with Jack.

Their first show is a drive in in Ventura, so LA adjacent, fine.

Their first proper show in Nashville

Lollapolooza - She had said Lolla was her first festival and she went for ATL? Friends? She gave good overalls content from the aftershow tho. Alex stays to hang at the gig with the girlies and to watch Miley

Back in Nashville for Sad Summer

She went to Vegas for their 2 in 1 day iHeart and Life is Beautiful performances which only Nano’s and Zack’s gfs went to

The comment about colored boxer briefs seemed ?? because of Alex wearing those jeans with high rips

She went in the pit at the LA show

There was a whole thing about a fan spotting them "on a date” at this Star Wars/nerd bar in LA called Scum and Villainy. Unfortunately the original blog that posted about it is deleted now.

Alex singing “Closing Time” at the end of a party and saying “time for Janelle to call us a car back home” and even this is like, well is he saying us as in he and Janelle? Or us as in the perspective of the other girls and Janelle is the one taking care?  ???

She goes to AlterEgo in LA with several gfs + Erin. This is from after.

On Valentine’s Day, all the gf’s post about missing their mens because the guys were out of town and the LA girlies go out together. Janelle is always with the known gfs.

We will all die swearing this was a double date we cannot prove

She did her friend’s podcast and ?👂?

Now, Alex’s likes are pretty consistent but he doesn’t like the tshirt post and then becomes much less consistent. Not everything, but not nothing.

May is Erin’s birthday and everyone except Alex and Nano go to Mexico with the rest of the gang, but Alex does make this brunch. It’s nothing but seemed like it should be included idk. Alex and Janelle did sit next to each other but like, so what.

Granted this year has been super weird, but this was the last semi interesting thing she posted directly of ATL. Other friends/gfs went to this per usual but for once, not Janelle.

And then came the Halsey post and this questionable little jab and Alex swinging back to Lisa. There was this progression from being with the ATL crew all the time and then suddenly being back with her previous friend group more consistently again.

In conclusion, my gut says absolutely they were hooking up but I pretty much felt like this the entire time because who the fuck knows. So much blatant nothing between them felt like Something.

[stellocchia]

It really irks me when people defending Tommy's initial treatment of Wilbur post revival as just a trauma thing (of being standoffish and pointing out when he was being shitty and just. Yknow. Being suspicious of him)

Because. Yknow. "He treated him like a ticking timebomb" even if that WAS true, tbf, last time he was around he literally was one.

Anyways.

Tommy has a history of being manipulated. He has a LOT of history of being manipulated.

He also has history of being manipulated by specifically Wilbur.

And now he is aware of that. Has been for a while. "He molds me like Clay".

And Tommy wants to support Wilbur and be there for him. He did back in Pogtopia. He does now. But he can't allow himself to be as passive about Wilburs destructive and toxic tendencies as during pogtopia because look at how that ended. It ended with Lmanberg blown up, many people traumatized and vulnerable and still affected to this day and it ended with Wilbur dead.

This time he can't just be content with supporting Wilbur and making the situation better, he has to also get Wilbur to actually change. For the better. To become better.

He can't just let Wilbur a assholery slide because. Yknow. That's not good either.

And I mean. Just. Let's look at what picture Tommy gets from Wilbur that day.

He last saw Wilbur in limbo where the guy apparently threatened or promised to do awful shit If he was to get revived (? I wish they elaborated more on the time in limbo it's so fckign vague), it's only been a few weeks for Tommy while it's been years for Wilbur. Wilbur did change somewhat in limbo. Not significantly but he was happy to be revived and I guess that's connected to him also probably not wanting to be actually bad anymore. But Tommy doesn't have a reason to hope for that.

Then. Wilbur is revived for the cost of ghostbur being murdered.

He acts and speaks pretty much exactly as he did in pogtopia.

He blatantly dismisses information he doesn't want to hear.

He blatantly lies in front of Tommy.

He blatantly manipulates Tommy.

He blatantly dismisses Tommy's own traumatic experiences (listen, yeah, he has his own shit to deal with but you can't argue that that makes him look apathetic to the suffering of people that aren't him and that makes him look like... Yknow.... A potential antagonist or villain or whatever)

Just. Ignoring all that in favor of being all nice to Wilbur and not have him feel bad would be plain fucking stupid.

It's be naive of Tommy to just act like everything is alright. Because the consequences if he lets Wilbur do what he wants could be catastrophic.

There's a balance to be struck between being unsympathetic to someone struggling and ignoring the potential threat they could pose.

Am I making sense??

Like even if we just erase all the trauma from Tommy's brain. If we switch him with a completely mentally well and capable version of himself that's just given the knowledge of Wilburs past actions and his current (back after his revival) ones, it's only logical to be suspicious.

And to not just let him be an asshole.

Like cmon. I'm sorry that Tommy telling Wilbur he has to stop being an asshole is messing with Wilburs flow or vibes or mojo or whatever. But he was right. Wilbur has to stop being an asshole. You can be an asshole in two situations:

1. Someone else is an asshole first.

2. It's reciprocated banter with someone you're close to.

If wilburs being an asshole to Tommy in a setting where Tommy clearly isn't having fun then Wilbur has to stop being an asshole.

If wilburs being an asshole to ranboo, even without meaning to be, then he has to stop the second he realizes he's being an asshole or someone is calling him out on it.

Like. Let's not boil Tommy's behaviour down to just trauma response. That was normal fucking behaviour 80% of the time.

And I think it's sad that the 17 year old is the only person on the server that holds the former terrorist (and attempted mass murderer) to any kind of basic Standart and like. Realizes that he needs someone to at least attempt to keep him in check.

Like listen. Cmon. I'm not saying to lock him up but you don't let unstable mentally ill people with history of destructive behaviour just. Yknow. Be.

Right??

My answer to the ask is on This one, but I wanted to get this new version out regardless because it’s very well put

[bisluthq]

Also while I was searching for the proof I found this interview from back in the day and it goes with everything we're talking about lol

"The Swifts never pushed their daughter toward a music career, and the family uprooted itself from the Christmas-tree farm where they lived only after it was clear that her stockbroker dad could do his job just as effectively down South. ”I never wanted to make that move about her ‘making it,”’ says her mom, Andrea. ”Because what a horrible thing if it hadn’t happened, for her to carry that kind of guilt or pressure around. And we moved far enough outside Nashville [to nearby Hendersonville] to where she didn’t have to be going to school with producers’ kids and label presidents’ kids and be reminded constantly that she was struggling to make it. We’ve always told her that this is not about putting food on our table or making our dreams come true. There would always be an escape hatch into normal life if she decided this wasn’t something she had to pursue. And of course that’s like saying to her, 'If you want to stop breathing, that’s cool.'

After getting out of her RCA deal, Swift found a believer in Scott Borchetta, who was then a big cheese at the Universal label group. ”I thought, ‘Oh, awesome, I’m gonna get to deal with Universal!’ I get this call a couple of weeks later, after I do this showcase and Scott’s on board and everything’s rocking. He goes, ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is I want to sign you, and the bad news is I’m not gonna be with Universal Records anymore.’ Because he was leaving to start up this whole new record label.” She took a chance and went with what would become a new powerhouse indie label, Big Machine, figuring that at least she’d get more individual attention there. ”They only had 10 employees at the record label to start out with, so when they were releasing my first single, my mom and I came in to help stuff the CD singles into envelopes to send to radio. We sat out on the floor and did it because there wasn’t furniture at the label yet.”"

https://ew.com/article/2008/02/05/taylor-swifts-road-fame/

That’s like self-mythologizing and some obfuscating and tbf 0 lies afaik.

[incomingalbatross]

For your WIPs, things Soos probably knows about Stan? And/or post canon summers?

Thank you, and sorry I didn't answer this sooner!

"Things Soos knows" was me brainstorming which parts of Stan's Mysterious Past Soos has already figured out.

I think (as I said somewhere else) that Soos must have guessed that Stan has a long-lost twin, from the indications Stan's dropped over the years, and I think he also knows that one of them was Stanley and one was Stanford, even if (like the fans pre-NWHS) he doesn't know which was which. He also knows that Stan had a bad dad (I'm SURE Filbrick has come up obliquely enough times for him to get that) and that Stan is up to SOMETHING because sometimes you come to the Shack and he's not there but then he IS there and acts like he was all along. Can he teleport? Is there a secret room in the Shack? Does Mr. Pines have a secret superhero identity he's hiding?? It's definitely one of those!

Oh, and Soos is also aware of all the Gravity Falls weirdness and knows that Stan always tells him not to talk about weird stuff or people will think he's crazy. (This is the actual advice Soos gave Dipper in "Tourist Trapped," so...) I imagine that Soos doesn't see the weirdness as a secret so much as "something you don't talk about," and also he's not great at distinguishing genuine weirdness from other stuff, but he does assume Stan is...not unaware of the weirdness, I guess. Which he's right about, but from a funny angle.

(In reality, of course, Stan probably told him not to talk about it as a way of shielding him from the SotBE's attention. But Soos doesn't know about them--and Stan may only have a vague idea of who/what they really are, tbf--so he accepted Stan's advice at face value.)

---

My post-canon summers doc is just notes on things I like to imagine about how Gravity Falls looks, 5-10 years post-canon. It never completely gelled, but some ideas (my own thoughts and things I picked up from fandom):

Gideon and Pacifica maybe forming some sort of formerly-terrible-kids support group

Wendy becomes a big-sister figure to Candy and Grenda and maybe Pacifica as well

Fiddleford fills his new mansion with robots but also all the kids in town like to go there to explore--it's open to everyone 24/7, basically, and you're welcome to camp out in one of the 175 spare bedrooms if you want (I like the idea of him reversing the Northwests' closed-off legacy)

Melody becomes a big-sister figure to Wendy (I still think this is a very important friendship, because they're both Shack crew now but also because Wendy has no women in her life! Melody's friendship would be so good!)

Stan gets renamed "Grandpa Mystery" at some point, once Soos has had his first kid. Ford is maybe Doctor Mystery?

And also the town adds like half-a-dozen new holidays to its regular summer calendar:

The day all the Pines Twins come back every year, there's always a party at the Shack, and it's unofficially the beginning of summer

(Stan and Ford's birthday is smaller--they don't like a big public party, I think. Townspeople still wish them happy birthday and get them presents, and there's always talk of making it a public holiday because of Town Hero Stanley Pines, but it's less of an event.)

Soos's birthday is the happiest party of the summer! Everyone loves Mr. Mystery, so the Mystery Twins and the rest of his family organize a big celebration at the Shack every year and the whole town makes sure to show up. Soos cries every year, too, but they're happy tears.

The craziest party of the summer is the one held at NW Mansion every year, though--funded by Fiddleford's money and organized/hosted by Pacifica. It's full of stuff you'd normally need to pay exorbitantly for at an amusement park or something--lots of unhealthy food, unsafe-yet-thrilling rides built by McGucket from scratch, incredible fireworks, all the rich-people stuff you can think of--and it's all 100% free. It's way over the top.

And then there's August 24th. It doesn't have a name, and people don't talk about it much, but on that day every summer, people get potluck dishes prepared and just get together in the town square with food and bonfires and togetherness. The friendlier anomalies are welcome too, and everyone tells stories that don't get told any other day of the year--stories about a red sky, and fighting for your lives, and monsters and madness and miracles. There are folk songs, and triangles are burned in effigy. The Pines Family are always warmly welcomed there.

The last party of the year is the Mystery Twins' birthday, which is another big day at the Shack. It's always a little sad, because it means the end of summer and the imminent departures of most of the Pineses, but it's also a happy celebration.

...Turns out my headcanons are mostly about parties.

I'm good with that.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Tbf the heroes don't know what happened to Tenko. They look at Shiggy and see a guy who attacked USJ and tried to kill the Symbol of Peace, who organised attack on a summer training camp and kidnapped a kid, who leveled down a whole city and who now is leveling another one. They don't see a victim bc they don't know he is one. But they do see the damage he does and act accordingly.

Yeah but thats not all they see. Especially this arc. Heroes arent stupid. They have enough information to see Shigaraki as victim.

1- They know that there is no sign about Shigaraki in records which means hever never go to school like normal kids, he didnt get quirk counseling, but most importantly it means that society never support Shigaraki Tomura, if they were, they would know.

2- They know Shigaraki is mentally child and they also know that he just NEW started to grow, they immediately realized there might be some adult behind the kid. Someone who groomed him.

3- Then, later they found All For One. The person who is behind of the kid. Afo is a man who is famous with manipulating people. When they heard about this, again, they could understand. Afo made it clear that he wants Shigaraki to be successor and again another proof that Shigaraki was groomed.

4- Shimura Tenko. Allmight and Gran Torino literally know what kind of person Afo is. They even knew that Afo targeted the kid, they must’ve been understand there is something wrong with this sitution, like Shigaraki didnt become this way because he is evil but they kept it as secret. They said they will research but there is no voice since then.

5- Kurogiri. They literally saw that how Shirakumo, hero student became a dangerous villain. Not only they saw how good person can become a villain but also they saw Shirakumo is still in there. That there is a hope.

6- Noumus. Heroes knew that noumus are people who are victim of science. Shigaraki was in one of that tupes, he was being used and treated as tool but instead of thinking he might be victim, they dehumanized him more and more.

etc etc etc.

Its not that they dont understand Shigaraki is victim but easier to believe that he is not cause saving him would be hard.

Now, you might say that somes knows nothing about those informations, they dont know everything.

For the ones who knows something, they are the ones who could’ve change things but they chose not to. Like Gran Torino who knows Afo and Shimura history or Aizawa who literally ignored the evidence that Shigaraki is might be just like Eri, just like Kurogiri.

Well, for people who know none of them, i wouldnt fully blame them but problem is more like the way system is. The heroes who knows something about it, literally covered it up and didnt even warn people about it. The posibility that Shigaraki is a victim.

Because they dont actually interested in changing things or rehabilition of villains. The system is normalizied the violence towards villains that most heroes ignore the fact that villains are humans too.

You might say what else they could do? Well, many things actually cause heroes are the ones who have the power in society. They are the ones who control of the sitution.

They could talk about this subject, instead of covering up. They could research about it more. They could at least listen and trying to understand this sitution.

You might say They have no time to talk.

But funny, they have time to blame him for existing.

And yeah, i guess, burning someone alive or trying to kill him is easier than talking...

You might say But Shigaraki needs to be stop so they have no choice to do this.

Yeah, Shigaraki needs to be stopped, of course, they cant let people die. But they have no choice? This is not true.

In story, many times it shown that heroes know how to be amazing when they wanted to. They can make a lot of miracles in most impossible situtions and at least, they always try. Why? Cause they think its worth it. And in those times, they will try their best.

It’s not that they cant save Shigaraki. Its that they cant bother with it. They think its not wothy to save someone like that. They will literally ignore every evidence in front of them. Even though, Shigaraki literally showed his suffering in front of them.

You might say why they would care about murderer’s suffering but again, its about the system they are in. The way villains are treated. Just because someone is criminal or villain, it doesnt mean they deserve to die or being treated as less human being. They ignore Shigaraki cause thats how villains are treated in society and they dont plan to change it cause they are so blinded by system.

And again, they wont try to save Shigaraki cause he doesnt cry like Eri or openly asking for help. They think good people will always stay good and they will hold their feelings forever but this is impossible cause everyone has breaking point and despite heroes knows in deep that they will still ignore it.

And you might say Shigaraki and other villains didnt have to kill people etc etc but Like Shigaraki and story explained it many times;

the people in league, they were good people and they tried, they endured, until enduring pain is not being a option, since society doesnt listen, destruction is literally the only way of victims can express their pain.

So; Villains can only express theirselves with destruction cause noone will listen to them. Heroes can do something but they wont cause they dont understand the suffering of victims in society.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love heroes cause i love the idea of saving someone but in bnha, heroes are really not heroes. All hero side is have is idea of hero, ieda of justice, they are in love with idea of heroes so much, they will ignore the victims who needs to be saved.

I dont necessarely think that they are bad or good people. When i analyzie someone, i only focus that person, not all at once. Not every heroes are same kind of person. I am sure that some of them are really good intentionally people, just like Deku but some heroes are really at fault and they intentionally ignoring things and make it worse.

The problem with hero side is not that they are evil but they are in pretty messed up system and they dont even try to change it cause they dont understand how much messed up it is. Some truly dont understand, some ignores, some use this for their selfish desires, with every way, its hard to root for them when they are supporting this messed up system while ignoring victims They dont even try to understand which is so frustrating, especialy as we readers know flaws but heroes ignores and they dont even make any effort :///.

And again, i love justice, heroes etc etc but i have no intention of ignoring what they are doing right now. Cause villains at least admit but heroes always justify it and call it as justice and thats so messed up.

Lets say; I truly believe that Deku is kind, good person (he is my favorite character with Shigaraki) but i also think that what Deku doing to Shigaraki right now is wrong cause its not that Deku cant understand or do something else. He can but he doesnt see Shigaraki as worth it cause he is villain and in hero society villains are meant be destroyed by heroes. But i want Deku to face and understand this why its wrong, one day.

The reason i mostly rooting for league, despite loving idea of heroes is because league, villains are pitifull. They are live in pretty unhealthy environment, they live with heavy mental illness, they are treated as monsters and i dont see what else they could do but hero side, they are at least live in healthy environment, they have lifes, happy moments and they can do something but they chose not to. And at least, the things league, villains did are changing things, challeging the system but heroes dont do anything. I also believe that we are meant to root for Shigaraki’s group too, especially this arc.

(Hope you understand me, i dont really hate heroes and i have different opinion for every characters, i dont just divide them as villains and heroes but right now, its exteremely hard to root for them, well, i hope they can get good character developments already.)

[calliecat93]

Star Trek 2009... so... very mixed.

Let’s do the good first. The cinematography is really good. It FEELS like a futuristic time period moreso than TOS, but tbf the films have the advantage of being closer to modern day and being able to match the evolved times. Still, it’s very much a movie that wanted to look good and did. The acting for most pf the cast was good and I don’t have an issue with any of the reboot cast. No Chris Pine isn’t Shatner (and that’s a good thing) nor is Zachary Quinto Leonard Nimoy. But they and the others did their jobs well and I’m glad they all did their own thing and not just copy their predecessors. Simon Pegg as Scotty I really enjoyed amd I like his new friend XD And while I’m... mixed about the direction taken if only because it makes me sad, Leonard Nimoy returning as the Spock we’ve known or so long was lovely, especially when he and Quinto!Spock meet.

Some moments were good. I actually almost teared up when Kirk’s dad died because the actors just put so much emotion into it. I can’t say that there was no effort put into this. They tried to add emotion and meaning and depth. They tried to give Kirk and Spock (and yes, Bones being even MORE of a third wheel than normal REALLY pisses me off) depth and connect the audiences to them and form that connection with each other that we’re so familiar with. I respect that. I respect the effort. I’ve seen reboots that don’t give a damn, but it didn’t feel that way to me here especially with Nimoy!Spock showing that this may be different, but the original very much still exists.

That being said... I have some big issues, especially with Kirk. This is NOT James Tibirius Kirk. This is the pop culture depiction of Kirk that the filmmakers decided was better to go with than the actual character. And no, this being an alternate timeline and him being younger than in canon is NOT a valid excuse. I got told that the death of Kirk’s dad changed the course of history... but I fail to understand how THAT caused Kirk to be an arrogant, cocky, reckless idiot. Might be because his parents NEVER came up in the show so how can any TOS fans get that point if the show never went into it? I know I joke about Kirk doing something dumb, but TOS!Kirk was a perfectly smart, optimistic, level-headed individual who yeah WOULD go against Starfleet at times, but usually did so with good reason. Hell didn’t TOS say that he was overly serious int he academy amd lightened up as he got older? How did the timeline changes change that? Anyways! It felt like they wanted this Kirk to just be a standard action hero and didn’t bother to check if it fit the characterization, or do anything to justify the change aside from ‘different reality’. Like woth the Kobayashi Maru, it’s to emphasize Kirk’s cockiness here...when in WoK it emphasized Kirk’s optimism and hope. How he NEVER believed that there was a true no-win scenario. There was LWAYS a way. Don’t get me wrong, Kirk isn’t horrible and has the ability to become more like his TOS self, but first impressions are everything, and they failed here. Chris Pine was good though, I could actually picture how he played Steve Trevor in Wonder Woman fitting a Reboot Kirk pretty well but alas. Also his captaincy wasn’t earned nor is he mature enough to hold the position. It got handed to him because canon says so, and that is bullshit.

Spock was... fine. Far as characterization goes I don’t really have any issues. He’s not TOS Spock but again he shouldn’t be. It’s hard for me to find the words on how he’s different aside from being younger and seeming a little more resentful about the half-human, half-Vulcan thing, but it still works well enough. He and Sarek also seem on better terms in this continuity, and that I do like since it’s different, but consideirng the circumstances he needs that kind of solace and it allows exploration of their relationship in a more supportive light. Didn’t like Spock marooning Kirk like he did, but it does connect to his arc showing how emotional repression is affecting him, so ah well. I DO have issues with some of the directions taken though. His relationship with Uhura has no establishment nor development and comes across as being there for the sake of having a romance in there without the work. And no I’m not just saying that as a Spones/Spirk/McSpirk shipper. It WOULD have been fine if they actually WORKED ON DEVELOPING IT ON-SCREEN. And how did the timeline changes cause that when Uhura and him flirted like... once in TOS and it was one-sided on Uhura’s part anyways?! It sucks especially since I really like Reboot Uhura. I also don’t like them destroying Vulcan cause that feels like overkill on the angst, but at least they have an explanation for it. I DO however despise them killing Amanda and ESPECIALLY how they did it. Amanda is relegated tot he standard ‘pure hearted mom who we have to kill to hurt this character’ and considering how she died via a crumbling cliff just as transport started, the ‘changed timeline’ explanation is bull. Again I appreciate them trying to add more character stuff, but I very much disagree with the choices. But as far as the character himself is concerned, I was good with Spock andI did genuinely care for and feel bad for him.

Bones... oh baby you deserved so, SO much better. Characterization wise,he was the most like his TOS self. He comes across as more gruff than cranky,but that’s mainly due to Karl Urban being younger than DeForest Kelley. Otherwise he was funny, endearing, loyal to Jim, and Urban did a lovely job making the character his own but honoring his predecessor. Will also give them credit as Bones has a damn good reason to dislike Spock after he marooned Jim like he did. The film didnt give a damn about McCoy tbh, but we’ll get to that in a bit. But to put it short, I really liked Bones, but he REALLY needed more screentime which from what I can tell, isn’t gonna happen until Beyond. But as far as the character goes, I felt like they got his best though the lack of focus reason may very well be why that is. Very least I got fanon to satisfy my needs.

Now we get to my biggest criticism: The Triumvirate is non-existent here, nor does it form within the film. Again, I blame pop culture depiction as I imagine they went ‘we need Kirk and Spock to be close together and Bones is that guy who is Jim’s other best friend who has witty lines but ain’t Kirk and Spock so who cares?’. Which especially baffles me sonce the arguments Kirk and Spock have regaridng emotion? That’s MCCOY’S role. They got the Kirk and Spock relationship completely and utterly wrong. Nor do I feel like the film dod enough to form the relationship between the two. It just feels like they became friends because the plot said so, not out of genuine understanding and care. Kirk was one of, if not the first to accept Spock for who he was and respect him. That’s what made the relationship special. But their edforts to establish it here just fall flat because they made Kirk Spock’s opposite, aka McCoy’s role. McCoy is the one who challenges Spock. The one who pushes him to consider the emotional. He can be harsh, but it is a dynamic that worked. Kirk os their balance. The one who keeps the two in check and they in turn represented the two sides (mind and heart) that he (the body/soul) needed to make the proper decisions. But because of the choices made with Kirk and Bones, the balance is theown off. Spock is more or less fine but Bones loses his importance while Kirk has his character skewed to make it work. General audiences may not be able to tell, but as someone who just watched all of TOS and those films two weeks ago? I could, and it hurt the film significantly imo. Also kind of wish they emphasized that Spock ALSO needs Bones and the rest of the crew, not just Jim because emphasis on just one relationship ALWAYS annoys me, especially since again, they didn’t do well to form it here to begin with. So yeah they missed the aspect that made me love TOS, so needless to say I am displeased. I plan to do a full film review in the future so I won’t say how I’d improve it, especially since hindsight is 20/20, but yeah not happy.

Otherwise, the film is fine. Uhura, Scotty, Sulu,and Chekov are fine, the former two I especially enjoyed. The plot is fone. Nero is a boring villain but for a start, it’s okay. I didn’t like Vulcan’s destruction at alla nd what that means for Spock, but we’ll see how the other two films continue this. I don’t know how I feel about Prime Spock because it just makes me... depressed that he has to accept never going home (even if Bones and the others are dead it just feels... wrong) but I DO appreciate that they included Nimoy and he was just as fantastic as he had been all those years ago. I have so many problems with characterization and plot points, but tbf that’s from someone who just went through TOS. As far as a general audience goes, they likely won’t have that filter and some may be more of the ‘timeline changed so this stuff changed’ explanation than I, a media consumer who has seen this happen over and over again to varying degrees of success’, may be. Otherwise the film was fine. If you like action and want a blockbuster, this one is for you. But I’m in it for characterization and story and while the latter worked well enough in the general sense,t he former was severely lacking. So while it was okay and it got me excited/to laugh a few tomes, overall I didn’t care for the film. Will Into Darkness be any better? Well... from what I can tell no. But I also need to make my own judgements, so onward we go.