#taking care of myself is. not easy. At all

[softtdaisy]

in the meantime / Aaron Hotchner

summary. when hotch gets hurt, you're called as his emergency contact. thing is, nobody knows you're not together anymore.

words count. 2 336

what to expect. a little angst I guess but fluff too, Jack is mentioned but he's a teen

a/n. I first imagined this very funny and light and I ended up adding more angst??? but it's still sweet and cute and hotch is a lover boy

F1 masterlist | general masterlist| request

When you got called at school, at first, you didn’t think it could be that moment you’ve been scared of for months finally happening.

Being a kindergarten teacher, it was easy to leave your class and ask for a colleague to take care of your children. They were all occupied with creating a new poster with their names and wouldn't even notice your absence. Well, you imagine they wouldn’t because you weren’t supposed to leave for too long.

“Do you know who’s asking for me?” you asked the principal’s assistant who came for you. He was one of your friends here, so you knew how to analyze his gesture. And from how fast he was walking right now, you could tell this was more serious than you first thought.

“Well, she’s a brunette, dressed in black.” He stopped in the middle of the hallway to think for a second. Trying hard to remember what her name could be. Thing was, you didn’t know that many brunettes, dressed in black that could authorize herself to come here. “I think her name is Emily or something like that.”

You stopped in the middle of the hallway, freezing. 

You appreciated Emily. You would even call her a friend, even if you only knew her through Hotch. But you barely talked outside of the moment you spent together. 

Getting a call from her would have been weird. Having her come to your school wasn’t normal at all.

Yet, here she was. Waiting in the principal’s office. Indeed, she was wearing an all-black outfit but mostly wearing a concerned expression on her face.

When you opened the door, she rushed to you, interrupting her conversation. Her hand was soon on your shoulder and her eyes were locked on yours. You found some comfort in it. The problem was, you had no idea why you needed it.

“What are you doing here, Emily?” you asked, whispering like it was some secret the rest of your colleagues or your superior didn’t need to know. Which was true, somehow. “Is everything alright?” 

But you knew it wasn’t. And the three words that followed were the proof. “It’s Hotch.”

Your heart dropped, and the whole world went silent. 

You’ve spent months afraid of hearing these words one day. Checking your phone multiple times a day, waiting for his text to make sure he was doing fine. There were moments when you would have the same nightmares of coming home to an empty house, sometimes with more graphic images you wished you could forget.

When Emily noticed you seemed to disconnect from reality, she put her other hand on your shoulder. “He’s ok,” she added. 

“I don’t know how, but the unsub managed to stab him in the stomach. He lost a lot of blood and went to surgery, but he should be fine. Spencer told me he was waking up when he arrived here, you heard Emily explain, but her voice seemed like a distant melody.

You tried to focus on the good news, that Hotch was fine. As fine as he can be after an attack that probably woke up some trauma, but fine. Not dead. Not in danger. Fine. 

You took a breath and nodded to accept the information you just got. And showing Emily that you listened, that you understood what she said. 

It wasn’t until you managed to keep your stress as low as possible that the question popped up in your head. “You came all the way here to tell me?”

Emily looked at you with confusion. 

“Well, you’re his girlfriend and his emergency contact. And you weren’t answering your phone. I thought it would be better to bring you to the hospital myself than let you learn about that later by yourself.”

That was the moment you understood why Emily chose to drive all the way here.

Hotch didn’t tell anyone you weren’t together anymore.

Dating Hotch was easy, more than people thought it was.

He was a great listener. He loved to hear you speak about everything in your life just as much as he loved paying attention to small details. Offering your favorite flowers, having your favorite artist in his car, and sending a text about important events at your job even when he was miles and miles away. 

You could tell Hotch was working on the experience he got from his past relationship and all that he still had to learn to be a good partner for you. And he was doing a wonderful job on it.

This relationship did a lot of good for him too. With Jack being a teen and less with his dad, he finally felt like he had a new purpose to come back home. Hotch learned to love opening his door again. This time not being met by the silence. But by you, with some kind of reality TV on, reading a book on a sofa he almost forgot about before seeing you on it—not to mention the memories the both of you created on it. You made him feel loved. At his place but at every place in his life too.

For a year, you two have been the happiest and did everything to make this relationship work. Even the team noticed the change in Hotch’s personality. And after multiple drinks together, you started to call them friends too. You both loved the routine you created together. 

But even with the brightest sun shining on your relationship, the truth was the stress was still there. His job was anxious, to you, but to him too. Having someone to care about in his life once again made Hotch concerned about losing you. He tended to be more protective after rough cases, sometimes leaning to some controlling behavior he hated as much as you did.

The disputes became more and more recurrent. And after another fight, you both decided that maybe you needed a moment away from each other to wonder if this was really worth it. You wanted Aaron Hotchner to be the love of your life; you really did. Just as he wanted to. But was it really the life you both wanted?

It was a hard month away from him; you won’t lie.

And knowing you almost lost him was even hard.

“Let’s go,” you finally replied. And the ride to the hospital was surprisingly calm.

The few times you saw Emily, you both kept chatting for hours to the point Hotch even laughed one day about fearing she might steal you from him. But this time, there were no words. Not only because of the stress, but also because you realized you were lying to your friend because of Hotch. You haven’t seen him in a month, having no idea about what his life might have been these past thirty days. And she was great at worming information out of you. So you would rather not say a thing instead of spilling a secret.

The whole drive to the hospital felt like a fever dream. And nothing could have prepared you for the overwhelming feeling you got when you opened the door. A mix of relief and stress.

Hotch was there, indeed. Underneath a white sheet that made his skin look even paler, with dark circles bigger than the last time you saw him and a tired expression that made you wish you could do anything to let him relax and rest for at least a month.

He was facing the window and only turned his head when he heard you coming in. And the confusion replaced the tiredness on his face. Yet, you still noticed the short smile that drew on his lips when he saw you. “What are you doing here?”

His tone was sweet. Sweeter than usual. No matter how down he was, Hotch took everything in him to make you feel welcome. He didn’t want you to question your presence here or to think he was questioning it. He was glad to see your face after the awful day he had. Yet, he was still wondering why you came. After a month apart, he thought you put him aside. 

Deep down, Hotch had the feeling he was easy to forget. But you weren’t. You never felt his head or his heart.

You didn’t answer his question. You couldn’t even talk. You were just focused on the silhouette of the man that shared your life these past months, lying on this hospital bed, looking so fragile.

You walked to him, as close as you could. So close that your knees bumped in the bed without you realizing it. You couldn’t resist the need to brush his hair, putting away some strands that were on his forehead. His confused and drained eyes follow each one of your moves.

“Honey?” he asked again, reaching for your hand. 

When you were together, not a day went by—except for those when he was away—where you wouldn’t hold hands. In the morning, when he was getting up, you tried to keep him with you a little longer. During breakfast, while he was drinking his coffee. When he said goodbye, kissing you before putting a kiss on your entangled hands. Or when you went to sleep, cuddling, with your hands on your stomach—or his, when he needed it after a rough day.

“You didn’t tell them we broke up,” you said in a low voice. It was the first time you said it out loud but also realized what it meant. And having Hotch in front of you, calling you by the nickname that followed you your whole relationship and caressing your hand with his thumb softly, helped see the truth behind that. “Emily came and picked me up because I’m your emergency contact, and I wasn’t answering my phone, and as your girlfriend, she assumed I needed to know. Because you didn’t tell anyone we weren’t together anymore.”

You finally landed your eyes on his, losing yourself in his baffled puppy look. “You’re right, I didn’t.” Hotch said. It was the first time since you came in that you noticed his voice was a little raspy. “And I’m glad it led you here.” 

You could hear the sincerity in his voice, not that you doubted he meant it. Over a year, you’ve learned to recognize Hotch’s expression. Especially the way his face was always softer when he was with you. Or how his very stoic and linear mouth always curled up in a smile around you.

Still, you had one question on your tongue. “Why?”

“Why am I glad?” he replied with a giggle. One that was sadly followed by a grimace. You watched as Hotch brought his other hand to his stomach to ease the pain. The doctor told him that even with the medicine, it would take him multiple days to get better. And until the stitches were gone, he wasn’t allowed to go back on the field.

But suddenly, the idea of being stuck at his office or at home wasn’t as awful as it was when he first thought about it. 

You sighed, focusing on his face rather than the wound he was clearly keeping hidden from you. “Why haven’t you told them?” 

Hotch took a second to look at you. The answer was obvious to him, to the point that there wasn’t a question to begin with. Over this past month, there was not a moment where he thought he had to make things clearer about your situation. Sure, he was a very private man, yet he never lied about you. He just kept things as they were. “Because I didn’t want it to be over.”

Hotch sat up against the headboard and motioned to you to sit on the bed with him. He moved his legs to give you space. And the heat you felt when he held your hand tighter to help you reminded you of the obvious attraction you had for him. Even after he had a terrible day. 

“Listen,” he started again with a tone that imposed on listening to him. That's not to say you weren't paying attention in the first place. “I know we made this decision together, and I respect it. And this month apart gave me the time to think about us.”

The first night coming home to an empty and silent house wasn’t easy for Hotch. He felt like he had failed again at keeping someone in his life. He hated that he lied to Jack, saying you had family obligations to explain your absence. He didn’t want his son to be disappointed about his dad's inability to maintain a great relationship.

And one day, Jack told him about a girl at school he had a crush on and everything he did to prove to her it was worth trying rather than giving up.

“I want to make things right with you.” Hotch pursued, bringing your hands to his chest. “Maybe I need to work on my perception of danger when it comes to you. And if so, I will do it. Because I want you.”

You always found it fascinating how his eyes often spoke louder than his words. And the look he was giving you right now was the best argument he could have found to prove you he meant it. Hotch loved you. And so did you. 

When a smile started to grow on your lips, also a silent answer to his silent confession, you noticed his lips curved too. Hotch let go of your hand to bring his own to your neck and move your face closer to him. But you stopped right before your lips touched.

“Maybe you should just consider not getting hurt the next time we argue.” You whispered, which made him laugh.

“Right, I’ll think about that.” He replied before finally guiding you to his lips.

Hotch never stopped believing he would get you back. So maybe he was right about not telling anyone about the breakup. 

[livinggxd3adgirl]

Sukuna yearning for you back.. (part 1)

“Sukuna, that's your 6th shot. I think you're drunk enough” Urames worried voice hit Sukuna like a drum constantly going with no end in sight.

“I want to be black out drunk before she comes to get me” Sukuna downs another shot. His tab is only getting longer and pricey. Sukuna had one simple plan.

have you back in his arms where you belonged.

He lost you. That’s his fault and his alone. He was too dumb and immature to see that his angel truly was his only saving grace in this cruel world. First, sukuna thought that getting you gifts upon gifts and just bugging you would do something. It didn’t. So he started spam calling and texting you like you guys had never broken up. Though he knew he deserved the cold shoulder, it still hurt to see what his words and actions could do to his sweet angel.

So started the operation ”play the hopeless maiden.” (In yujis words)

A simple plan, really. Get Sukuna so drunk to the point he can barely see or think about anything else, but call you so you can take him home so Sukuna could talk to you and bring you back home. Easy, right? WRONG Sukuna got way too drunk way too fast. His sight blurry as you shuffled him into your car and drove off. He was practically seeing stars in his drunken state. But Sukuna knew that he only had one chance or else you would be gone like the wind again.

Fast forward to know…

He saw the panic in your eyes. Gloss painting over them. That’s when he knew he had you in the palm of his hand. All his again.

“Listen angel.. I know I was cruel, but these past months made me realize so much” sukuna thumbed at the tear that was already escaping your glassy eyes. How Sukuna missed this. Not being broken up or your tears, but the intimacy of it all. You sat there practically holding your ribs open, letting him see your heart. And so was he. Sukuna was never known for being gentle and vulnerable. But right now? He was letting you cut his chest open for dissection. He didn’t care at all because you deserved it. All of him is yours. His body, his mind, and soul.

“If you don’t want to be with me, okay.. you deserve better. But I, Ryomen Sukuna, will never leave you alone. Even if you get married to someone else, have kids and a house on the hill” His admission made you giggle through your tears and sniffles. “I’m ready to give you that and all more angel. I’m ready to bare myself out to you. I just want another chance.”

“Jeez kuna, you always knew how to make me cry” Even at a time like this, you tried joking.

“So.. Do I get another chance?” Sukunas sly smirk told you that he already knew the answer. But he meant it when he said that he was changing.

“Shut up and kiss me kuna”

MADE BY LIVINGGXD3ADGIRL

omg guys thank you so much for 1k likes. That genuinely warmed my heart so so so much. Likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated

[angeliolo]

remember everything

y/n’s pov

an au by me and @sofisturns

𓇼 chap. 4 - easy

as my feet dragged along the cold sand, the only thing my mind focused on was him. the way the bonfire glow reflected onto his fair skin, the way he squinted his eyes whenever he laughed, the way he fiddled with his untouched drink, the way he looked at me tonight.

when i finally arrive back home, im greeted with nothing but uncomfortable silence and the slight hum of the air conditioning. i check my phone. 1:43 am. i let out a deep sigh as an attempt to break the silence. no messages, no missed calls, no greeting at the door. a part of me wished my parents would’ve shown some signs of worry of where i was, but i knew they wouldn’t- they never do

after taking a shower, i lay on my bed- the warm sheets almost replicating the feeling of chris’ presence. it’s a poor substitute but i let myself sink into the illusion that we are still together, walking along the shoreline.

i grab my phone without thinking- my mind working on autopilot as i pull up his instagram. I convince myself that i’m just checking, just taking a brief look, but before i realize it im scrolling. I can’t help myself, i’ve never been so invested in a person before- let alone a boy. I catch myself smiling as i tap through his highlights, seeing photos of him and his brothers, various sceneries, snapshots of his life.

before i know it, im in too deep. rewatching his highlights for what feels like forever. suddenly a wave of confidence rushes over me, i swipe to open my dms and type in his username. the words “hi there” are on my screen, my thumb hovering over the send. what if he didn’t want to talk this late. what if he wasn’t even up. what if matt or nick said something about me. my inner thoughts and anxiety take over, distracting me from noticing i sent the message. shit.

y/n and chris dm’s

hi there: @y/n.y/n/l/n

@chrissturniolo: what’s up

couldn’t sleep lol plus i missed you :@y/n.y/n/l/n

@chrissturniolo: missing me already y/n? and you think i’m the bold one

@chrissturniolo: anyways, you trynna do something tomorrow?

send me your address. i’ll meet you tomorrow morning, i’ll show you around the shore. :@y/n.y/n/l/n

suddenly the silence in my room didn’t feel so heavy, i couldn’t wait to see chris again. i couldn’t figure out why i was so drawn to him, his presence- why the thought of being around him made my chest feel lighter, like i could finally be my full authentic self.

i stayed there in my bed, lying on my side as i tried to answer the big question in my mind. why was talking to him so easy? i had known all the guys down here at the shore for years, i’d grown up with them , yet when it came down to it, every conversation felt forced, like i was caught in a riptide unable to keep up.

maybe it was the way his initial demeanor was reserved, like he was someone worth uncovering. or maybe it was the way his voice was welcoming, steady like the waves lapping against the sand reminding me to stay grounded while everything else had drifted away.

although we’d only known each other for a short period of time, our conversations were some of the best i’d had in a while. our words flowed effortlessly, as if we were currents pulling each other back to shore. With Chris, i didn’t have to second guess what i was about to say, never had to hold my breath, or pretend to act like i cared about what he was saying. He made the space around us feel open- like the sea stretching far beyond the horizon, leaving more to be discovered- both unknown and thrilling.

i roll over onto my other side, allowing the warmth of my blankets swallow me, a small smile tugging on my lips. Tomorrow, i’d get to see him again. I close my eyes as the thought of him washes over me, providing more warmth than i already had.

ᝰ hey luvs! i hope we are all enjoying remember everything so far

posted early just for @sonnysturns <3

⋆.˚ taglist

@chrissturniolossidebitch @chrissweetheart @m00nl1tgh0st @mothstvrnz @stvrniolotrxpl3ts @espressqe @chrepsi @samwinchesterisawhore @sonnysturns

[hereghostslive]

WIP Wednesday

I haven't done one of these in a while and it's because I told myself I wouldn't until I had completed a fic but no surprise, I've grown impatient with my slow as fuck writing pace. so here's what I've been working on.

started writing this on my own birthday because I was feeling sad and depressed and wanted to cheer myself up by writing angsty Tommy and then cheer him up as well. here's everything I have for it. not sure when I'll finish it.

--

He’s staring at the dark screen of his television when his phone goes off for the fourth time? Fifth time? He lost count after the first few, not interested in answering but too tired to move to turn his phone off. 

Besides, he already knows what the messages say. 

Happy birthday, Tommy! 

Or

happy b day man

Or

Wow the big 4-0, got your AARP card yet?

And probably a

Happy birthday from Diner 54. Get 30% off your meal today!

Okay, that one he should actually open and make use of. The others, well … he doesn’t want to look and see the one message that isn’t there.

He has the day off, which is unusual for him. Normally, he works on his birthday, on account of him not really caring about this day at all. But he had taken this one off because —

“— you have to celebrate turning 40, Tommy, c’mon! It’s a milestone birthday!” 

“You just want an excuse to have your own day off,” Tommy had replied, fondly rolling his eyes.

“Well, yeah, sure, but specifically to celebrate you,” Evan had said, like it was simple. 

So Tommy had asked for it off but they never got around to making any plans for it. The day on the calendar sat free and inviting without his notice until suddenly he found himself waking up alone on his 40th birthday, with no plans and no one to have them with. 

He thought about watching his favorite rom-coms to pass the time today but nothing seemed appealing. Hard to watch and invest in the romantic lives of fictional characters where everything works out and the hurt is only temporary and never proceeds past the end credits. 

Tommy wonders when his rom-com started becoming less rom-com-y and more … rom-tragedy? If that’s not a genre then Tommy’s earned the right to patent. He sinks back into his couch, his phone still going off, and keeps staring at his dark television screen. Remembers back to three weeks shy of their six month anniversary when Evan showed up at his door with his favorite take out and a pack of lightbulbs Tommy had mentioned off hand that he needed replacing. 

He remembers gazing up at Evan as he stood on top of the ladder, the light flipping on, wholly fixed. And with the light shining behind his head, Evan looked down at him with an easy smile. 

Yeah, that was the moment. 

Roll credits. 

–

There’s a banging in the distance. Tommy’s eyes flutter open; he’s slumped over on his couch, still facing the blank TV screen.

“Tommy! Open up!”

Tommy groans, pushing himself off the couch and stumbling to his front door if only to stop the incessant knocking.

He flings the door open to find Howie, fist raised to continue disturbing Tommy’s neighbors and most importantly Tommy.

“What?” he grumbles.

“Now is that anyway to greet your old friend?” Howie asks, shoving his way past Tommy into the house. Tommy’s still waking up from his accidental nap on the couch, too slow to stop Howie from intruding further. 

He closes the front door and reluctantly follows Howie into the kitchen.

Howie opens his fridge and whistles. “Just as I suspected,” he says, and then closes the fridge, spinning around to face Tommy.  

Tommy, still waking up, can only raise a single eyebrow in question.

“Your fridge is empty. How are we going to celebrate your birthday with nothing to eat or drink?” 

Rolling his eyes, Tommy collapses onto the bar stool at his kitchen island. “Oh, is that why you’re here?”

“Why wouldn't I be here? It isn't every day your friend turns 40!” 

Tommy eyes Howie, searching for an ulterior motive. He wants to ask about Evan, if Howie is here on Evan’s behalf, but he doesn't. Doesn't think he could handle a “no,” and anyway, he lost the right to ask about Evan when he walked out of his life. 

Eventually, Tommy nods at Howie, agreeing to at least hear him out about dinner. “Okay, so … what are we eating? There's a good Thai place not far from here we can get take out from.”

But Howie’s shaking his head. “Oh, no, no. It's not that easy. Get up, get dressed. We’re going out.”

--

tagging some bucktommy mutuals: @liminalmemories21 @leashybebes @beanarie @alrightbuckaroo

[misakiisstupid]

Okay, Hear Me Out: Wally's Best Snack Discovery

Okay, hear me out. Wally West—known for his disastrous and unholy food combos—finally meets someone who completely changes his entire snack game. Enter Ro, a 16-year-old Bavarian girl who’s in the US with her class because the bus broke down. She’s there with her all-girls business school class from Munich, and she couldn’t care less about the whole situation. She’s just chill, drinking her coffee with almond milk and three sugars, eating buttered tuna bread with veggies on the side.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Buttered tuna bread? With veggies? Yes. That’s a real thing. It’s simple, it’s satisfying, and guess what? Wally LOVES it. Because after all, butter, bread, and tuna? That’s good for your body, right?

The Discovery That Changed Wally’s Snack Game

So, Wally, being Wally, sees her eating this bread-and-tuna masterpiece and is like, “What the hell is that?” And she’s just all chill, not giving a crap about anyone's judgment. She takes a bite, shrugs, and says, “It’s lunch. What’s the issue?” Meanwhile, her classmates are making disgusted faces because they can’t comprehend this culinary genius. I mean, tuna on bread? That’s sacrilege to them, right?

But Wally? Wally’s already swooning. He doesn't care what others think, he’s already taking a bite. At first, it’s weird. But then? It hits him. It’s perfect. The butter and tuna combo? Why has he never thought of this? The veggies on the side? Genius.

From then on, this becomes Wally’s snack of choice in front of everyone. No more ridiculous sugary energy drinks with ramen or whatever strange thing he thought would fuel him. Nope. Buttered tuna bread it is. Every time he’s around the team, that's his snack of choice.

You know what, though? I believe this girl is the real reason Wally is allowed to eat around his team in the Young Justice League. They’d all be used to his weird snack combos by now, and maybe—just maybe—they secretly find some of them kind of tasty. Like, there are definitely moments where Wally’s culinary choices look like disaster, but somehow, the flavor hits right. (I mean, who can say no to something that feels like salty dough? And yes, I used to play with Play-Doh as a kid and... look, we’ve all tasted that weird salty dough and chemicals and rust combo. Don't judge me. It tasted like rust but also tasted like blood when I accidentally cut myself as a kid. Kinda gross but weirdly tasty. Anyone else?)

Ro, The German Girl Who Changed Wally’s Life

Now, back to Ro. She’s a whole vibe, y’all. I mean, her coffee is half her personality: it’s almond milk, three sugars—she’s basically a caffeine-powered machine, and we all know that gives her the kind of energy to be absolutely chill about the whole situation. Her classmates are trying to figure out why they’re stuck here in the middle of nowhere, and Ro’s just like, “Whatever. We’ve all been through worse. It’s fine.”

She tells Wally she’s named after a Swedish book about a robber’s daughter, and she’s got this surprising calmness to her that makes Wally—who’s always going 100 miles per hour—slow down for once. She doesn’t waste words. She’s straight to the point. When she says she doesn’t care if they talk again after this, she means it. They’re likely never going to meet again. They’re strangers, but they bond over food, and sometimes that’s all you need to know about someone.

She casually says her name’s Swedish but too hard for native English speakers to pronounce, so she just goes by Ro. But, hey—guess her real name? I dare you.

Wally, Ro, and Their Culinary Bond

From that day on, Wally starts really liking this “tuna bread” combo. Not just because it’s delicious, but because Ro introduced him to it. It’s low-maintenance, easy to make, and kind of like the embodiment of Ro herself: simple, but effective. It’s real, it’s good for your body, and sometimes, that’s all you need.

And I bet, after meeting Ro, Wally’s diet starts to take a turn. Sure, he’ll still throw together some chaotic meals, but the tuna bread? That’s now his go-to. He loves that buttery, salty combination—and you can bet he’ll keep making it in front of the team. He’ll make weird combos, sure, but Ro’s snack is his baseline now.

And Then, There’s Wally the Flirt

Wally being Wally? He definitely gets Ro’s number. Because 1) He’s a huge flirt. 2) She’s cool as hell. 3) She’s all about making friends and exchanging recipes. After all, she’s lived in Bavaria and knows tons of deliciously simple combos that can make even a speedster’s stomach happy. Like, soft pretzels cut open with butter and chili salami, or liverspread on black bread—she calls it real bread, not toast (and honestly? She’s right).

But here’s the real kicker: Wally’s so taken by her culinary prowess, he just starts imagining all the things she could teach him. She’s got these really good recipes, and he wants to learn, even if it’s just for the fun of it. He’s already thinking about the next time they meet, where he’s probably going to get some new ideas for his snacks that’ll make his teammates raise an eyebrow or two.

[frogsinflannel]

twirling my hair kicking my feet what WIP are you thinking about workin on if you're feeling up for writing? (also I hope you feel better soon!!!)

Hello! Thank you, I am feeling a bit better, mostly because I finally remembered to eat something so. Note to self on that one, food good ??? Apparently ???

But I am working on a continuation of this (a part before that actually)

working title: until I wrap myself inside your arms i cannot rest

Things have been going so well it’s almost too good to be true. But it is true. And things aren’t just good, they’re great. 

That’s not to say that things have been easy. Both of them have put in the work. They’ve talked things out, exposed their vulnerable underbellies, made a concerted effort to be equal, committed partners. He’s got open and honest communication marked down on his to-do list right under getting his back blown out.

Take now, for instance.  He’s killing two birds with one stone and checking everything off his list.

“Mmm, stop that,” Tommy says, batting his hand away where Buck had been rubbing idly at his pec.  He flicks the nipple and Tommy grunts, pushing him off his chest.  “Brat.”

Buck laughs and presses himself closer into Tommy’s side.  “I don’t care,” he says, “I’ll own it.  I’m a brat.”  He nuzzles into the juncture of Tommy’s neck and shoulder and then snaps at the skin with careful teeth.  “It’s not my fault you like it, old man.”

“Hey.”  Tommy’s hand sinks into the hair on the back of his head and tugs, just enough to let him feel it.  He likely means it as a punishment but joke’s on him, Buck likes it.  “Watch it, kid.”

Buck grins, big and wide, and shimmies up a little to kiss Tommy firmly on the mouth.  Their teasing is derailed for a minute by some making out, but it never gets heated, staying slow and soft and sweet as they trade slick, tender kisses.  Buck teases at Tommy’s lips, licking gently into his mouth, and then sucks at the wet muscle of his tongue.  Things de-escalate into lazy pecks, and then they separate, no longer so tangled up together but still close and warm.

“This is good,” Buck tells him. “Feels nice.” He drapes one arm across Tommy’s abdomen and burrows into his side as much as he can. “I know you have to go to work, but other than that?” Tommy smells like sweat and Buck’s laundry detergent, and he breathes in, his nose pressed to Tommy’s skin. “You’re staying here. In my bed, where you belong.” His grip tightens. “I’m not letting you go again.”

Soft breath fans across his temple. “I’m sorry,” Tommy says.

“Hey, no, it’s—“ Buck shifts up so he can meet Tommy’s eyes. “It’s okay, we’re good.” A crooked smile opens up his face. They can joke about the break-up now, they can tease. “I should have, uh, blocked the door or something.  Forced you to say.  We could have got all this talking out of the way then.”

“Hmm.”  Tommy smiles at him, but the expression fades after a moment.  He looks up to the ceiling and shifts his hand under his head.  His elbow sticks out and it shows off the strength of his arms. Buck wants to bite them.  His mouth waters at the thought and his hips twitch, but he ignores it, tries to keep himself under control.  There’s something thoughtful in Tommy’s face.  Something that, before, would have meant he was about to shut down and close up.  Buck watches as he takes a deep breath and decides to let him in instead.

Tommy’s head turns a little, rustling the pillow and he looks at Buck with eyes shot through with something like regret.

“You know,” he starts.  Then he huffs, a little curl of breath through his nose.  He licks his lips.  He looks back up to the ceiling and his lips quirk up, a wrinkle in the corner of a self-effacing smile.  When he speaks, his voice is quiet.  Low, even for the close, intimate setting they’re in.  “I think I wanted you to chase me.”

[aihoshiino]

(A rare break in my schedule. Now the shoot is over, I just have to wait for Miyako-san to come pick me up and take me to the next one. Not enough downtime to really do anything but sit around and start scrolling on my phone.

Now that I've done my part, the rest of the staff are running around all busy so they can do theirs. There's not really anything I can help with at this point, so I'll just sit here and keep out of the way.)

(Just as I'm thinking that, a shadow falls over me.)

Fox LI: "Whoa, what’s got Ai-chan so focused? A top-secret setlist? A juicy industry scandal? Oh, don’t tell me - you’re finally texting me first?"

(I look up and there he is, grinning down at me. Once he's gotten my attention, he sits down right beside me like he doesn't care who sees us.

He might not but one of us should - so I give him a little nudge while I look back at my phone as if I'm hardly paying him any mind. I'm playing along, but I want to remind him that he can't get too close. Who knows what rumors people might start.)

Ai: "Sorry, but that's my little secret. ♡ Not for nosy boys like you."

Fox LI: (grinning) "Nosy? Me? Now that hurts, Ai-chan. I'm a perfect gentleman."

(I finally glance at him, and of course, he’s giving me that look - half playful, half expectant, like he’s waiting to see if I’ll take the bait. I really shouldn't, but...

It's hard not to when he makes it so easy.)

(Tease him back) | (Feign innocence)

[Tease him back]

(I tilt my head and grin right back at him. If he wants to play, I can play.)

Ai: "Right. Because nothing says 'perfect gentleman' like reading over my shoulder."

(He gasps and puts a hand over his chest like I just mortally wounded him.)

Fox LI: "I was merely existing in your orbit! You’re the one making assumptions."

Ai: "Uh-huh... Just existing right next to me. Inches away. Practically breathing my air."

(I wonder for a second if that sounded mean instead of playing but it just makes him grin even more. He leans in a little like he wants to prove my point for me.)

Fox LI: "Hey, can you blame me? You have a gravitational pull, Ai-chan. It’s hard to stay away."

(His voice dips and goes kind of low for a second in a way that makes the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. His expression doesn't change a bit, but his words sounded weirdly heavy.

But before I can dwell on it, he pulls back with a lazy stretch, like he never said anything strange at all. I'm probably the one getting weird right now.)

[Feign innocence]

(I tilt my head, widening my eyes just a bit. I put on my best cute and clueless face just to really sell the line.) 

Ai: "You? A gentleman? When'd that happen?"

(He laughs, all bright and easy, like he knew I’d say that.)

Fox LI: "I’ll have you know I’ve always been a gentleman! A cool, dashing, heroic type. Like a knight in shining armor."

Ai: (giggling) "More like a mischievous fox sneaking around the castle."

(His grin sharpens, but just barely.)

Fox LI: "What can I say? Gotta keep the princess entertained."

Ai: "What princess?"

(Forget grinning - that makes him seriously cackle.)

Fox LI: "You, obviously. Does it not get boring up in your tower?"

Ai: "Hmm. Not really. I have a cheeky little fox that comes and plays with me sometimes."

(I said it as a joke, but for some reason it makes him really smile all bright and warm. It makes me feel a little funny to look at it.

The conversation moves on, and I let it. Because it’s always like this with him - it's way too fun and way too easy to talk. And maybe just a little dangerous if I let myself get too comfortable.)

[yapper1020]

This is most definitely gonna flop but I wrote this fic about Carmy in therapy today and it's too short to post on ao3 so imma post it here. It's still a bit long and I'm aware the way Carmen talks in this is out of character but my mind would not be stopped. I had to write it like this. I apologize for any typos.

Disclaimer that I have never been to therapy but enjoy I guess lmao.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There's uh, there's this thing in my chest. I forget the name of it sometimes. Too busy thinking about my hands to focus on the rest of my parts. It keeps you alive. The heart. It's the center of everything. The powerhouse. Or at least, it's supposed to be."

"How do you mean?" Doctor Scott, his therapist, asks him. And fuck it all really, because is he even therapy material? Is he not too far gone? Natalie doesn't think so. That's who he's here for.

Natalie.

Sydney.

Richie.

The list can go on for days.

And he'll still be here in this room. Wondering if he's worth anything.

"That, uh, that probably sounded confusing," he chuckles, a humorless sound. "I guess I mean emotionally. My heart isn't in charge. Am I making sense?"

"Please, continue."

"Uh, o-okay." Swallows. It feels like glass shredding his throat. The dread. "It's my mind that handles shit. I've always dealt with everything like an equation even though I'm terrible at math...so no, actually. I treat everything like a dish. Clean plate or messy. Sharp corners or abstract shapes. Light or heavy. Big or small. Everything is how it's supposed to be. Even if you hate it. Even if you hate yourself for doing it." A breath. Shuddering and small. "And when a plate is fucked, you abandon it." A finger against a nose. Nail scratching against bone.

"My mother hated me - hates me because I'm something to hate. I'm easy to dislike. I was made to be her punching bag. Acceptance. That's what I did to handle that. I was never meant to be loved by my mother or father. Not in a normal way. Not in a healthy way. Not in a real way."

"Why do you feel like that? Like you were meant to be hated?"

"Because...because I hate myself. I told you, I'm easy to dislike."

"Why do you hate yourself?" He says, writing on his pad. As if he is merely a name on a paper. Is that what he's worth? An easily scribbled, merely incomprehensible note on a doctor's form. Simply and only a patient to people paid to take care of him? Because everyone else has given up?

"I am boring. Lifeless. I am lifeless because I am bloodless and because I am bloodless, I am pale. Ugly. Deformed."

"Is that what you think of your appearance? Or something you were told? By your mother, perhaps?"

"Both." He touches his nose. Squints his eyes. "Uh," a sigh. A cry for help. "I'm not fun to be around. Most times I'm paralyzed in my own mind. My family says I need to calm down. Unwind. Relax. Unclench my ass. I don't fucking know how to do that. Since I was born, everything was high intensity and fast. Very happy or very sad or so terrifyingly angry. Nothing was done small. Nothing was ever fucking calm. I was raised in chaos so therefore I must've have been for it. It must be all that I can be. All that I can create. A creature is born to is born to a certain habitat because that is the only way it can live or try too. Only in those conditions. So if the conditions are violent, the creature is by nature, by its calling, violent. It's the only way it can survive. I was bred to be loveless and unlovable, and cruel, and unkind."

I was born to not know love.

It does not know me.

And I do not know it.

"Everyone runs from an oncoming train. Unless they want to get hurt." He continues.

"Carmen, I can't help but notice that you have a very poor outlook of yourself."

"Most people do." He tries to joke but he's never been one for humor. Doctor Scott does not laugh. Suddenly, "you sound like Sydney," he says.

"What does Sydney say?"

"She tells me I'm unkind to myself."

"She's right."

"She always is." He responds, almost defensively. Shifting on the hard cushion.

"Who is Sydney?"

"My partner." He motions for Carmen to continue but he doesn't, not understanding.

"Who is Sydney to you?"

"My partner."

"No. Not in a work capacity, Carmen."

"Why-why do you ask?"

"You smiled."

"What?"

"When you mentioned her. You smiled. For the first time in the forty-five minutes we've been here."

"Well...I only know her fully in a work capacity. I barely know her outside of that."

"What do you know about her outside of that?"

"She is shy. And she's fierce. And she's awkward. And she bottles everything in. I wish she wouldn't. Her nose crinkles when she thinks. Her voice goes quiet when she asks for something. Her jokes are awful but she loves to tell them anyway. She smiles with her nose and her eyes. She's not afraid of me so I fear her power."

"You fear her?"

"I fear what she can do. She tells me when I'm wrong. When I'm being an asshole. She doesn't give me grace. Like Richie or Nat. And I don't think she should, I honestly don't want her to. She meets me toe to toe except...I am the monster and she's the queen. I'm not used to that. I'm used to fighting monsters. Do I sound like a nursery rhyme? I think I do."

The doctor's mouth does not move.

"She can leave me and not be broken. But if she leaves me...I won't ever be whole. Forever indented by the lack of her presence."

"So she means a lot to you?"

"She consumes me. But if I do the same to her, she'll be gone forever. Lost to the grayness of my being. I would never see her again except, she'd be right in front of me. And that would be infinitely worse."

"You think you are a danger to her?"

"I know I am. But I can't let her go and for some reason I can't fucking understand, she won't leave me. She is angry at me. But she won't go. She looks at me like she believes in me. She is stubborn to show me something I can't even fathom. She wants me to learn it. But I don't even think she's aware of what she's doing."

"And what's that?"

"She is trying to show me love. Or she has already shown me it. But I can't process it. So I scream and she does it back. And sometimes, I see her crying at closing and my mind factory resets so I don't have to think of how I'm the cause of it. I ignore pain. Whether from me or others because I only, always, make it worse. And the next day, I treat her with kindness or rather, I treat her with a lack of anger and hope she smiles. She rarely does."

"You always make it worse?"

"When I was five, Natalie got cut. I tried to help, ran to get a band aid. What I didn't realize is that the first aid kit had a pool of my mother's brandy in it. It was on the bandage. It burned Natalie. I made it worse. Yes, I always do." A beat of silence and Carmen rubs at his chest. "I'm tired of talking." His mouth is dry, his eyes are wet.

"Well, you have an hour left but we don't have to talk. We can just sit."

Carmen nods. He talks anyway. "Sydney is hopeful. Sydney is optimistic. I'm a pessimist. We shouldn't work. But we try anyway. And sometimes, it's like flying. Others, it's like falling straight into the abyss. We clash but I don't want to lose her. So I do what I do best."

"What's that?"

"I cook. I speak through food. Vegetables, fruits, meats. They're all letters and seasonings are periods and commas and exclamation points. That is my language. She speaks it too. That is how we were introduced even though I didn't know that we met at the time. She ate one of my dishes. And somehow, impossibly, she was inspired. She sought me out. I think she might regret it." His brow furrows. "Hey, doc. She's the only person other than family I can apologize too, why's that?"

"Maybe because you care about her."

"I care about a lot of people. She's the only one I can speak too. Say what I mean."

"Well, how do you feel about her?" There's a freckle on his nose. An imperfection Carmen finds. He was trained to find imperfections. In dishes and chefs below him and around him. To break them. To surpass them.

I'm gonna smoke this motherfucker!

But never the chefs above him. They were supposed to break him. To mold him. To make him hard and callused and cruel. Except it didn't take them that long to make him that way. Had a natural knack for it, it seems.

"How do you mean?"

"I mean, how does Sydney make you feel?"

"Uh, you know that moment after a storm? When everything goes quiet. The earth stops shaking. The sky stops screaming. But it's still wet and dreary, there's mud everywhere. You stay inside because it's warm and you're dry and you're safe."

"Sydney feels like that to you?"

"Sydney is that to me."

"You said you can't process love but I think you are. I believe you are learning."

"It doesn't matter whether I'm learning something good. Because I can't unlearn all the bad. I can't unlearn the way my mother's hands curl around a wine bottle. Or how she snarled like a beast when she looked at me. I can't unlearn the way my father left without so much as a goodbye or even a glance back. I can't unlearn how Natalie's nose flares when she cries. And I can't unlearn how Micheal breathed like two hands were choking his lungs. I can't forget that shit. I am that shit." There's a mirror in the room. Everything about him is red when he sees his reflection. "I am my mother's pleas and her accusations. I am my father's son. I have his eyes. I have his ears, I have his tendency to leave. I am my mother's anger and her wretched uncommon happiness. I am the reason for her rage and the target of her calamity. I am my brother's only hope and his dying wish. I am his disappointment and his pride. I am the thoughts that killed him. I'm the one person my sister couldn't get to stay so I am the root of her unhappiness. I am the reason she stays up at night yet still am one of the partakers of her kindness. I am my family's blood and I carry all their scars. I am the outcast. I carry all the darkness because I am strange and they can't understand me so Ma put all the problems on me because I was already misshapen so why not a bit more stretching and pulling until I no longer have a form but am just merely a fog that travels within the spaces they all long to ignore. Those crevices that ache and moan and bitch, that is where I live. In my family's sorrow. In their every fear. In the reason they give up. I am a Berzatto which means I am heartbroken and lonely and full of a fury I can't control. It is my birthright. It is burned into the mechanical nature of my matter. I am loud and intolerable. I move without feeling. I will tear you apart with my teeth like a bear and I will loathe myself for it afterward. I'll give anyone my all but all of me is not something people usually want. I am without a place and without a purpose to any other human being unless I am serving them."

"Except to your family."

"They're my family. They have to love me anyway."

"Except to Sydney?"

It stumps Carmen. His mouth shuts.

"Would you like to talk about your brother?" He nearly has whiplash.

"My brother...I loved him."

"I know."

"He was everything I wanted to be and everything I didn't."

"Can you expound on that?"

"He'd get into fights a lot. But he had passion. He stood up for himself. People liked him. I so desperately wanted to be liked or understood. Nobody got me. They'd try but not really. Sydney gets me."

"So your brother was your role model, would you say?"

"He was my inspiration."

"And when he died?"

"Everything lost its flavor."

The doctor seemingly understanding that his client speaks in the tongue of a chef more than the tongue of a human taps his pen and asks, "and when could you taste again?"

"Sydney made risotto. It needed acid. But I still thought it was perfect. But I didn't tell her that. I diminished her instead."

"Like your mother diminished you?"

His jaw clenches, his eyes water. "Yes." He admits, brokenly.

"Carmen. You're right. You can't forget the things you witnessed in your childhood and adulthood. You can't forget the way you were treated. But you can change. You can be different. You can break away from the things you learned and become new. You can be the person you want to be."

...

It's cold when Carmen makes it outside.

His lips are dry.

His fingers are numb.

His mind feels loopy.

So when he sees Sydney leaned up against her car, he thinks he might be hallucinating.

He walks toward his hallucination with purpose. She smiles at him and he frowns.

"Sydney?"

"Hey!" She rubs her hands together, bracing against the wind. "How'd it go?"

"It uh," he looks back at the office and squints. "It went." He shrugs, not knowing what to say. It was heavy and it was long. And he's tired. She understands that immediately.

"Yeah, these things can be rough."

"Why are you here?" He asks but not unkindly.

"To drive you home."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Dude, it's like ten fucking degrees, I didn't want you to freeze."

"I wouldn't freeze." He says back, confused.

She sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes. "I wanted to be with you after that shit. Okay? Happy?"

He stares at her. She is the sun, he is the moon. Always on one side of the sky but rarely together. He thinks they should become an everlasting eclipse.

She hugs him. Her arms squeeze him so hard that he feels again.

He sighs.

His nose burns from the chill.

He is home.

[pruneunfair]

When you have a shitty sibling. *TW: talk of abuse and rape*

This is a little different than what I usually post.

Not too long ago, I made a vent post that was mostly pretty vague but got the central point across, it's deleted now but not like it matters since it was just mindless ranting.

That vent post was dedicated mostly to my younger brother.

For all the people with siblings out there, we already know those corny depictions of brothers and sisters always getting along and calling each other "Big bro" was not the most accurate form of a sibling relationship. Naturally you fight a lot with this person considering they are a built in room mate, meaning you have to live with someone including their worst habits. Maybe they plop a plate into the sink right as you're done doing dishes, maybe they take your things without bothering to ask you, those are all normal things to expect out of a sibling. What doesn't feel normal is when they reach this level of behavior.

My brother who I'll refer to as B relatively liked to get on peoples nerves but other than that, he wasn't so bad to be around up until recently. It was little things at first, leaving his garbage behind in the living room, making a fuss if we asked him to do anything, and then it got progressively worse.

Skipping school for 3 months straight, running away from home to god knows what, bringing strange people home, vaping and taking substances, increasing levels of disrespect towards women, seemed to assume that if a person who happened to be female wasn't punished along side him meant that they were being bias toward her for being a girl, calling our own disabled mother lazy for being unable to work, expecting everyone to cater towards him and pick up his slack, actively call me and our mom a bitch/cunt, pretending that he's going to hit me to see me flinch, gaslighting us, severe lack of empathy, casually admitting to want to hit me and other people that make him mad, refusal to listen or admit when he's wrong.

B has changed this much in only the span of a year. The lack of empathy and over eagerness to have an excuse to threaten someone is honestly scaring me.

Lately I started to take on the role of tidying up around the house and cooking dinner. My mom as I mentioned is mentally disabled, she can still perform tasks herself and still is juggling around two households of the family, I don't wanna to get too into it but I'll just say that she needs to take a myriad of medication to help regulate her mind or else she could kill herself. Her mental health has declined in recent years to the point where she can't keep a job and she does need help more than ever.

Now I do not mind this at all, mom is still a very considerate woman who appreciates the help I do and still makes an effort to keep things easy, it's also a good way for me to learn independence and take care of myself. The problem is that I have to live with B for a brother and he likes to bring his gang of friends over for small house parties that I usually am in charge of when mom is away. The house is always left a mess as a result and I have to pick it up since B likes to weaponize his incompetence to escape responsibility, I have to pick up every piece of crap they leave behind and sweep up old crumbs off the floor only for those same kids to come back, destroy the house again, leave me to clean it up because B knows that if I don't, all he needs to do is continue weaponizing his incompetence until our mom snaps and has me clean it for him.

There is no compromising with him, B has made it clear that if he says "Nope" then we have to suck it up because he can always just run away to our dad or claim that we are just acting crazy. I can't even get some basic respect from him for being the maid for him and his friends bullshit.

Now this all wouldn't be so scary if I didn't know he had no empathy but he clearly doesn't. How do I know?

Well, I'll leave a pretty simple background: Mom kept telling dad to stop, Dad coerced mom that it would be fine and he lied about wearing a condom. 9 months later I was born.

This is very sensitive knowledge that we do not talk about at all, hell B and I weren't even supposed to know I was both a rape and a baby trap kid, I can't exactly remember why but mom mentioned it on a bad day that I now know was likely an episode.

And during an argument, B told our mother, the woman who was willing to stay with our father just so she can at least have a planned child in the name of B, that she should have taken some birth control before she "had sex" with our dad. That boy KNOWS that was one thing mom never wanted to remember, even when we reminded him WHY we don't talk about that, he didn't care, what mattered was that he got the point of him hating me across.

So yeah, I'm officially terrified of the same person who I used to know as an itty bitty baby sleeping in the crib next to my bed.

I know I am not the only one dealing with this shit, plenty of people do and it's shitty that you have to walk on egg shells around someone you knew when they were still innocent, a little baby turning into a monster with no interest in being better as a person, only in being right at all times. For anyone who has a shitty brother or sister reading this, I am so sorry that you have to live in fear of someone you called family but you are not alone, if you believe you might be in danger even, please tell someone, anyone at all, whenever it's a social worker at school, a cop, or even just a few people you trust. You don't deserve to believe you are worse then dirt just because you had to step up and pick up the slack around your household.

Thank you for listening.

[gayalanwake]

sorry if I become extra annoying im kinda tweaking over being on my own for the first time sooooo I might let myself become extra indulgent 💔💔💔

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Broke (2016): BBC Sherlock is a phenomenal piece of media and anything that seems like a flaw just hasn't been fully explored yet

Woke (2020): BBC Sherlock is an incredibly flawed series run by an egotistical writer, it never deserved the hype and is actively bad on so many fronts (especially representation)

Bespoke (2024): BBC Sherlock is flawed and bogged down by increasingly poor writing, which many fans refused to see while it was airing, leading to hugely misplaced expectations (particularly for the final series), AND it has the seeds of some compelling characterizations and portrayals, some genuinely solid performances, and touches--albeit imperfectly--on complexities that are still being discussed today (particularly as it relates to the relationship between Sherlock and John). The huge cultural impact of the show has created a massive pendulum effect in its public perception, leading to most people today remembering a caricature of the show (whether positive or negative) rather than appreciating its nuanced merits and failings...that being said Season 4 sucked

[witchinatree]

making a list of my favorite quote/ones that stuck with me from each season 1 episode because i feel like it

(i'm starting this after episode 4 but it will be a WHILE before i post it)

episode 1: "bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk" - alice

i love this one because it's a great introduction to alice i think. also it radiates spiral so i hope we get avatar alice not dead alice (isnt there a podcast called alice isnt dead?)

episode 2: "If I wanted to clear the canvas, I would have used turpentine." - statement

this one was just fucking powerful and caught me so off guard like 😶

episode 3: "What would I do without her?" - statement

the norris statement <3 it feels like martin asking what he would do without jon which makes mag200 a lot sadder and i love them

episode 4: "Perhaps you shall prove a stronger will than I, and will yet find it within yourself to destroy this hungry thing of wood and cat-gut." - statement

augustus sighting #1 and we immediately get jonah magnus expressing that it may be possible for gwen bouchard unknown family member to overcome the eye's hunger spooky violin

episode 5: "Voyeur needs to be seen to be believed." - statement

i feel like this one is pretty reflective of how the seasons gonna go? like if you explain the events of tma (mag200 specifically) no one's gonna believe you, it must be seen to be believed!! and also seen!! like the eye!!!

episode 6: "Not sca- This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor sharp points pushing into your flesh." - needles

i love needles so much and i thought this was really funny because it was like "you dont find me scary!! what the fuck!!!" just kind of toddler michael energy

episode 7: "It’s not like we’re wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." - celia

STOP IT. celia you can't say that you just cannot!!!!!! you Know™ too much maam i cant with you

episode 8: "Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Gerry!"

RAGHHHHH OH MY GOD GERRY!!!! i love him so much and idk how to handle him being alive in the tmagp universe!! gertrude too but idk we got so much of her in tma and not nearly enough of gerry

episode 9: "And honestly, it’s kind of compelling by this point." - sam

they got him 😔😔 the horrors got sam 😔😔 also i found this to be an interesting contrast to jon's heavy resistance in season 1 like he was being compelled but he wasn't going to let anyone know that vs sam "its kinda compelling to trauma dump on this paperwork :]" how is he somehow even more victim material

episode 10: "Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.” - alice

does this count as a quote if shes also quoting what she thinks sam should say? idk anyway i love her i would say that to her if given the chance and it was very silly. i will not be addressing bonzo i am scared.

episode 11: "...Thank you, Alice" - gwen

dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard. okay also, the way she CRUMBLED at the idea of anyone doing anything nice for her please someone give her a hug and let it be ME. this series is tossing me back and forth between sam & alice (what is their ship name) and dyhard but this put me back to dyhard

episode 12: "You know it's rude to have absolutely no game?" - alice

she's so fucking funny i need her to be okay so badly!!!! i don't think even tim made me laugh as much as she makes me chuckle and this one really got me. it's hard to write such a comedic character in a podcast since you only have the voice but they really nailed it i adore her

episode 13: "Is it my fault?" - gwen

each of these episodes just reveal a little bit more about how loving and soft gwen is and idk i love her so unbelievably much so seeing that she felt guilt about the bonzo stuff just made her so much more real :(

episode 14: "Christ, they’re in the walls…" - statement

theyre in the walls!!! theyre in the goddamn walls!!!!! anyway that got me because i realized the hole before the statement said it. made more sad than scared tbh

episode 15: "Babies are cool!" - alice this entire interaction between her and sam & celia was so awkward, she is so obvious and i love her anyway

episode 16: "It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr Bonzo or anything." - gwen my wife is so so so stupid but i adore her AND this gives room for character development. i wish she did not do that though. i love when characters are flawed and have depth but i struggled to get past THIS flaw of hers

episode 17: "Thanks, I guess. Not exactly the same, though, is it?" - celia shes talking TO JON IN THE COMPUTER. SHE KNOWS. i lost my damn mind i love her i love her. get the gay people out of the puter please queen

episode 18: "Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?" - lena solidified my opinion that lena is the best boss to ever have, i adore her and i would want to work for her if she wasn't the boss of Creepy Establishment #1

episode 19: "You’re going to throw it in the fishtank, aren’t you?" - alice colin's behavior is like really worrying BUT i'm glad he's back. i was not convinced he was still alive

episode 20: "I suppose it’s too late for remorse, isn’t it? And why should I be sorry? This is what I deserve!" - ink5oul/statement they reminded me of jon a lot, like especially his season 3/4 transformation when he doesn't quite know everything but he knows he isn't who he was in season 1 anymore, i hope we see more of their life and they can be helped :(

episode 21: [Tape Recorder Bites Ink5oul] - audio description i know it's not technically a quote but this is just so fucking funny. why does it have teeth. what does this mean for the lore. holy shit.

episode 22: "Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood" - celia. knawing at the walls of my enclosure i am so not okay. i'm not okay. wtf. wtf. wtf. they're real. wtf.

episode 23: "I had a favorite mug. It said “love you, bitch” and had a picture of a drunk dog on it." - alice. okay i just love this entire interaction because gwen got to open up a little bit and my dyhard heart is so full

episode 24: "I am told that children like me, and I’ve always held the opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone just thought more." - basira. once again this whole interaction was so fun but like idk i loved hearing basira somewhat happy and in a safe place :] my wife <3

episode 25: " I am trying to help, to save us from this goddamned fucking nightmare machine!" - colin. MAN I REALLY WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!!! I WAS SO CONFIDENT YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE!!!! it's over

episode 26: "I was worrying for a moment that you were Magnussing." - alice. MAGNUSSING BEING CANON MADE ME SAY IT EVEN MORE I'VE SAID IT LIKE TWICE ALREADY

episode 27: "You didn’t tell me the room was labelled, “Archivist.”" - celia. oooooh somebody's got TRAUMAAAAA LMAO

episode 28: "So you’re telling me you know nothing about an OIAR external contract being found with the bodies of two tattooed thugs who met rather grisly ends?" - TREVOR HERBERT???? anyway. ink5oul mention!!!!! i hope they stop killing people it's really rude

episode 29: "Alice, er… we’ve got to talk. It’s important." - teddy. i knew it was over for him but i didn't think it was gonna be THIS bad??? bye babe i guess??? 😭

episode 30: how do i even pick. the whole fucking episode. i can't. i am in a state of shock. i need to lay down for 30 years.

[awakenthebeing]

Duskmist Posting(bc there is SO much of them) BUT i might as well leave all this silly mega man related au critters here for storage/safekeeping,,, i'm very happy with how these have all turned out!!! <:3

[leguin]

i did think about richard siken saying there's no such thing as unrequited love, just unrequited desire for probably longer than i should've, but idk. feelings are complicated. 'unrequited' is complicated. i've never felt so consistently failed by language before...

[starlightswordfight]

UHH REMINDER ALSO SINCE I HAVE BEEN SHARING A LOT MORE NEGATIVE THINGS LATELY that amid literally everything that's been going on, there are still things that you can do to retain control in your life in at least some areas!! not everyone can actively protest right now, not everyone has the means and that is OKAY! do what you can when you can!!

this post is a wall of text of me rambling about things you can do Right Now in your community or to keep yourself happy and motivated and going. it's a long one so it's going under read more. I also talk a lot more in the tags

i also use terms like Current Events a lot so I also apologize for the vagueness in some places!! I do not know if this will get flagged if I get more specific and my account has tried to go down twice now

#1: BONDING WITH YOUR COMMUNITY (WITH PERSONAL SAFETY IN MIND)

getting involved in your local community is a big big big thing I've seen talked about lately and I agree with that entirely!! the #1 best thing I feel like anyone can do right now is either volunteering at local support groups or getting involved in local activism

if you have a local community you can connect with for whatever reason then that's absolutely a good idea for both practical and emotional reasons. it can be for anything really, actually. reach out to friends, reach out to family, keep talking to people if you have the energy! it really does make a difference!

^ related to the above, if you can involve yourself in volunteer work, or mutual aid, or just helping others out in some other way, then absolutely do that! you can start with asking around, or searching up aid or other groups that may need extra help in your area, and go from there!!

I see a lot of people have been saying for months to organize and then absolutely no one ever explains how to organize, and if you don't plan on starting something up Yourself that is how you get involved. you find like minded people and you lend your hands. I just looked up "volunteers needed/mutual aid [insert town here]" and went off of that

and there are a lot of different places people might need assistance for. one example being food banks, pantries, are basically always accepting new donations -- if you have produce, not all of them will accept it due to safety regulations, but a local community garden might! libraries also will exchange more than books, and protecting libraries by showing involvement and interest in them is important now more than ever

local businesses, emergency aid if you have the certification, environmental work and disaster cleanup, assisted living areas, shelters, a lot of other specific areas I can't name right now. if you are physically able to seek out support and give back in turn (and if you aren't able to do one or both of these that's also okay!!) i highly highly recommend it. mutual aid especially goes both ways. do not be afraid to reach out for help, that is what they're there for

speaking of libraries!

#2: KEEP INFORMED

this can refer to a lot of different things, but on a federal and local level it is never ever ever a bad thing to keep up to date with what's going on. anyone trying to do bad things on a government level is relying on you not noticing or staying uninformed in the invent that you do notice. keep track of what's going on in your area and plan accordingly!!

keeping up with the news (and fact checking, always, because journalism isn't always ethically practiced), finding where your local city hall or equivalent is and staying up to date on local legislation, has always been important for safety and especially is right now. know how to determine a reliable source from an unreliable one, and know how to pick apart the difference between fact and misconstrued ideas spoken as fact. I'll probably make a post on that too at some point and link it here when I'm done

it is overwhelming to hear just how much is getting worse so quickly, but it's crucial that you don't allow yourself to become unaware, because that makes you easier to lie to. you do not have to work yourself to burnout or to a breakdown, please take breaks whenever you need to and put your own health first!!

but don't do yourself the disservice of not knowing what's happening around you. I want everyone to be as safe as they can, and to be safe you have to be informed

#3: FIND SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO (AND ALSO KEEP CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE EVEN IF IT'S IN SMALL WAYS)

staying up to date on current events has been overwhelming for me, but it also has helped me to maintain a sense of control in my life. and there are a lot of other ways to do that, too, and also give you sources of happiness and things to still look forward to! I'm listing what works for me but I'm sure there's infinitely more ways to pull that off

taking up or getting back into hobbies or interests is a very effective way to keep joy in your life, and this goes double if you're sort of stuck in your house like I am most days. you should get to do things that make you happy!! you deserve to still have things to look forward to!!!

I've also been personally using my interests to try to learn how to do more practical things that might help me and the people I live with; I'm a gardener so I've been working on trying to grow food, starting with sweet peppers. don't know if I'll end up needing that one day (or if my neighbors might, but as the economy completely fucks itself it could get very useful very fast), but having the knowledge and the means helps me feel more in control of what happens in my personal life, and it really has made me feel better and have a source of hope

I really hope that everyone who sees this is doing as well as they're able right now. saying all of this because I don't want to contribute to any ideas of complete hopelessness, if that makes sense. there are things worth getting up in the morning for and every one of you matters and you deserve to be happy. and I love you /p

even if you aren't utilizing your hobbies in that way (again, PERFECTLY fine, do what you need to forever), something like that might be useful for you, too! you can learn new skills or read up on all those things you already wanted to look into but kept putting off, you can carve out a little space in your world for Joy and for Whimsy if you don't have one already! it's good for you!! it's incredible in fact!!

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young Cardigan, Taylor Swift

For @sketchbookweek Day 5 - Teenagers