#surprise surprise I'm still emotional
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My favorite J-Decker boys... Shadowro and Kagemaru...
#surprise surprise I'm still emotional#I'll draw them properly one day#brave police j decker#bpjd#bpjd kagerou#shadowmaru
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Again, gouache painting I made to relax
#my schedule is alright tomorrow maybe i'll be able to go to the library and do some med work there#i'm. surprised i actually WANT to study but also i still have this unhealthy obsession with drawing. however somehow it's more manageable#like. i actually SIT DOWN AND DO MY WORK?? AND HOMEWORKS??? HELLO???#but the. catch is my emotions are even more confusing and i am so ashamed of them i bottle them up AHAAA guess who will probably#--do vent art#i. need to see a medical professional#for this and. understand better how my brain works also. and. transgender moment (i am NOT passing guys)#toaster talks#rant#toaster draws#my art#omori au#omofalls#omofalls au#omori basil#traditonal art#gouache painting#gouache#sketchbook art#omori
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okayyyyy fine (I say to the maybe 3 people interested) I'll talk about Dr. Tanaka, and the show's (Bones 2005) response to them
[disclaimer: my perspective is someone late 20s, white, & nonbinary, as well as biased to see the good in this show. I may not have the same perspective on these examples as someone else]
[also I wrote this for fun! so it's not like an airtight argument or anything]
so.. I wasn't surprised by the team's reaction to a person who doesn't conform to gendered standards (obsession with figuring out if they were really a man or a woman, culminating in a hug just to feel their chest), for 2 main reasons:
I. Bones is a show about awkward (usually contextually privileged) people with good hearts, and it expresses this core sentiment over and over again using microaggressions:
The little person from the State Department (Alex Radziwill) is called a midget, and Bones ignorantly accosts him about how he approaches his job. It's done in the context of Booth and Bones reacting weirdly to him. By her saying ignorant things that force Booth to confront his own weirdness, they eventually reach an equilibrium with Radziwill, where they treat him like a normal contentious coworker. It's really uncomfortable, and Radziwill has to sit through them getting over themselves.
The He in The She. Do I even have to mention more than the episode title? It takes forever for the cast to wrap their heads around Pastor Patricia Stephenson, a woman whose bones suggest a male, but whose anatomy suggests a female!! Oh no! Booth struggles with using her correct pronouns, and many characters flip flops between, often settling on the masculine pronouns. And yet, the show itself gives credence to how Patricia lived the last parts of her life. It finds the beauty and honesty in how she lived, and we get to see that honored. But not necessarily through the characters, especially the main squint squad.
Arastoo Vaziri. This poor man is just a Muslim who works in the lab. Bones expresses disdain for him being visibly religious. Hodgins straight up discriminates against him, tells him to his face that he doesn't like Vaziri because he's Muslim. Vaziri has to actively attempt to bond with Hodgins to overcome this bias. Cam barely steps in here, and ultimately Vaziri has to suffer the ignorance of those around him. He has to push back about his people being associated with bombs, because white people are terrorists too! He brings out a list!
And these are just main plot points. There are definitely other examples of how these characters awkwardly microaggress their peers and civilians.
II. The interpersonal logic of Bones is predicated on gendered relationships
I cannot count the amount of times a character on Bones said "It's a woman thing," or "It's a guy thing," or "Alpha-male." The more socially adept a character is (Booth, Angela, Cam, Hodgins), the more they lean on these constructs for explaining personal relationships and the more they use gendered constructs for what's permissible in their relationships. Brennan, Zach, and other squints are often actively taught what's okay to do based on gendered rules. "She's a woman," Angela says to Zach, who doesn't understand why a girl isn't calling him back. "It's a guy thing," Angela says to Brennan, confused about something Booth is doing. "It's a guy-hug," Booth says, manipulating Bones into accepting comfort by explaining a gendered rule that he's making up.
In an environment so saturated with these rules, the characters have no idea what to do with the interpersonal reactions they have to Dr. Tanaka (as Clark has established, the characters are constantly using their interpersonal lens at work). So, this mystery makes Dr. Tanaka into a site of intrigue. I'd say both Hodgins and Angela interpret this intrigue as attraction, based both on their desire for/interpretation of Dr. Tanaka as a woman or a man, respectively. The surprise/rethinking that occurs after feeling up Dr. Tanaka's chest is consistent with this mystery/intrigue/psychosexual anxiety of not knowing a gender. (To digress a bit, it's reactions in this vein that created the Trans Panic Defense for murdering trans people).
I'm also unsurprised at Sweets. From his defense of Dr. Tanaka presenting as they want to him standing alongside the hug onlookers out of curiosity, he's the part of the show that's looking forward. He's the planted seed for this episode: that people who don't want to share their gender, it's not your business, even if it's hard to resist the part of you that thinks that.
And honestly, I think that's kind of the core to it.
Bones is a show about privileged professional folks who are often ignorant, but it attempts to plant seeds in their moderate liberal audience about cultures and subcultures. It planted the seed that Radziwill (a little person) was just a coworker using his own advantages, and it's important to treat him like you would another coworker. It planted the seed that Patricia (a trans woman) was right to transition and live her fullest life. It planted the seed that Arastoo (a Muslim) is just a coworker, one who has his own religious life, and Hodgins was the one acting irrationally.
Finally, it planted the seed that Dr. Tanaka is just living their life, and the awkward must-know-their-gender drive didn't really mean anything in the end, except for the team feeling weird about it.
#my conjecture is that it takes you on this emotional microaggression journey with the characters#so you don't act like an ass when you encounter someone like x#but yeah#I'm not judging it too harshly#this episode aired years before gay marriage was legalized in the us#so I'm still proud of the attempt#and I'm thinking this attempt was meant for teaching#even if it doesn't hit the mark as much as it does with other similar arcs#bones tv#musings#I wouldn't even be surprised by people saying it missed the mark on all these examples#or by people saying this strategy isn't enough#but it's a big part of the show imo#i have a friend who doesn't accept this as good enough and tbh? fair enough
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[ navi ] - [ previous ] - [ next ]
#S: GwG#ts4 story#S: Cohen#ts4#the sims 4#tw: blood#tw: gun violence#tw: abuse#tw: domestic violence#tw: dv#:(#ok Im surprised how much this one actually hurt to make#I grew up with DV.. but I still didnt think Id get emotional doing this#anyway I'm okay#this stuff just hurts the heart#Cohen Riley#Ruth Yuka#Renae Riley
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🦦🐠 Aquarium Birthday Date🐠🦦
i want to take ren to the ATL aquarium so badly 😣 i remember going with my roommates during a summer break trip and i want to baaaack it's been so loooong!!! there are so many cool things there that i think he would go nuts for (beyond the obvious otter exhibit. duh.)!!!!! i want to take him for his bday and go to dinner afterwards. it's HIS day and i WILL spoil him!!! 💕
(shirt pattern one and two)
#this one's a little loose but. girl i'm tired kJNSAKJDNKJSAN i needed it Done. also it was initially an art party pic so. limited time.#but!! the Vibe is there. and i surprised myself w how quickly i was able to do it. so it was still worth it. 😌#plus i just like that i have an aquarium date pic on hand finally KJANAJK that feels like such an obvious date with ren.#📌 [ my posts. ]#🎨 [ 046 art. ]#046 art#selfship#self ship#selfshipping#self shipping#🍄 [ lying on the blade of an emotion. ]#🧃 [ who is in control. ]#🦦 [ can't escape it. ]#🐐 [ been up all night. ]
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Some Envy vent art I still quite like from a few months ago! It's not often this guy has such big emotions that it makes me want to kick something, but when he does you bet he makes it everybody's problem too
#my art#Apple's emotions#inside out#inside out 2#I think these sketches were just me realizing#“oh”#“I'm actually still holding onto my childhood dream of being a professional artist”#and it took me by surprise. in both a good and bad way XD
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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*takes a firm bite out of a lawn mower, (no salt, obviously)*
I just wanted to say how much of an impact Dr69 and Dr96 has had on me. Your work has had a nice cozy place in my mind ever since I found it back when Dr69's chapter 3's trial was just posted. (That was 2020 or something, right? Oh how the time flies. I can already see the retirement center.)
Your stories have inspired me so much to write some sort of crossover game myself (Haven't decided if it would be DR-styled or YTTD-styled. I have a lot of random ideas written down.) They're also the reason I got into Parappa and Breaking Bad in the first place, and I've been thinking about giving Yuppie Psycho a shot.
So yeah, thank you for writing something that had a genuine impact on me. Give yourself a pat on the back, please. Are you ever taken back by how much your stories have resonated with people?
Oh, BTW, for getting me emotionally invested in the Family Guy dog, please repent for your sins.
^ me rn
I will say it's honestly crazy to think it's been four years now since I've been working on these fics. From going "haha what if I made a crossover killing game for funsies" to "haha how fucked up can I make these bitches" is. well it's surely something
I'm happy to hear I've inspired you to create your own work as well! Whichever type of death game you go for, I'm sure you'll enjoy working on it ^^
(also please please please play yuppie psycho it is my life it is my blood I spread it like gospel please pleas eplase pleas /nf)
And regarding your question at the end... all the time, really. I'm a bit of a perfectionist at heart, and lately I'm focusing harder on trying to write things I can be proud of. So... it's nice to know you guys are here to support me :-}
#tyvm for the lovely words!#also I will leave you to weep over Brian Griffin /lh#it's funny since I wasn't expecting many emotional reactions to come out of DR69's 5th trial bc of who the killer was#but I'm still pleasantly surprised haha
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youtube
Cynical Reviews just dropped a video on an anti-choice propaganda film called "Unplanned" and I cannot believe the balls they had to blatantly lie like this. Actually, I can, because pro-lifers will eat up any anti-abortion propaganda you put in front of them.
I love how this movie deifies the protestors who stand outside of Planned Parenthood and scream "WHORE!!! MURDERER!!!" at teenage girls who are just there for a pap smear or whatever. All while making PP staff look like heartless monsters who laugh about dead babies and force abortions on unwilling girls. I honestly have nothing but disgust for propaganda like this.
#I know some dumbass conservatives are gonna reply and be like 'IT'S NOT PROPAGANDA IT'S THE TRUTH'#pro-life people are really easy to manipulate because they're entirely driven by faith and emotion#and normally I'll defend the merits of faith and emotion but their problem is that they think their beliefs should be forced on everyone#it is a really hard topic to discuss because they literally WILL NOT budge from 'this bean-sized fetus is just as valuable as a newborn'#I know because I used to be like this and it was only when I became more and more of a leftist did I question my beliefs#I also went to Catholic school so the anti-abortion propaganda was INTENSE and I'm not surprised most of my peers probably still believe it#abortion#pro choice#reproductive rights#reproductive justice#Youtube
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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we've had a death in the family (a long expected one, to be clear, but sad nonetheless :( ) and the funeral is across the country on the day after veilguard releases, so my wait now has a few more days added to it. oh well if I've waited ten years I can wait until the monday after launch haha
#my great uncle had been sick for years so it wasn't a surprise but he was still the baby of the bunch to a flock of sisters#I feel sad for my grandmother and great aunts in the middle of all of this#having to deal with burying their little brother and figuring out what to do with the family farm and everything :( end of an era stuff#the ONE week of the year I've been looking forward to for the last decade tho fhsdkjas it's genuinely a bit funny#thwarted at the last moment#deciding to take it as a little period to gain some information and more to work with that can enrich my experience when I play!#like finally hearing more of the american voices to decide which one to go with and understand more what they're doing thematically etc.#really hone that rook headcanon game into the frequency that will most fuck me up before I jump in lol#maybe even be more sure what romances would fit best#typically I don't mind being spoiled at all (often I even prefer it b/c I'm bad at processing emotion in the moment)#so hopefully I'll be able to be part of the community feeling a bit at least second hand before I get to it myself!
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While Michael's tragedy obviously isn't the same as Book's in that she still has a number of loved ones with her, I'm surprised there isn't more textual acknowledgement that neither of them can ever see their families again
#i mean it's still not quite the same bc michael does still have gabrielle#but her bio dad and the s'chn t'gais are lost to her forever#and while her relationship with mirror georgiou is complicated and i wouldn't exactly call her her mother#i do think michael considered her family and now she's gone too#this of course can't compare to being the last of your species#but that's an incredibly rare status that i don't think book has too many peers with#so someone with as much tragedy and isolation in her life as michael is i think the closest he has for comparison#and while i love disco very much#it's emotional beats can sometimes be a bit paint by the numbers#so I'm surprised they don't connect these numbers more#michael burnham#cleveland booker#dsc
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they're not gonna push that broken man off that tower to shatter into a million pieces are they. they blew their fall device wad in s1e5 didn't they. assuming per s2e5 louis and lestat won't think each other dead after paris after armand lied to each of them, will they. i'm going to have to wait for all that in the year 2045 reboot aren't i.
s'alright. our new story is just as good, sometimes i just miss things that stay in the book
pouring one out for the pathos of pathetic injured blood-hungry delirious lestat showing up on armand's doorstep and pissing him off and all that subplot entailed.
#iwtv book spoilers#i suppose it is more romantic for lestat to show up in paris for his family instead of it being tragic coincidence#i'm still not sure i totally understand the s1e5 drop just as a device just to show lestat is monstrous and apparently give him something t#be ashamed about. and. i guess to solidify the canon plot point of louis going along with lestat's murder? ?#kinda feel lestat can be monstrous and louis can be complicit in murder without the fall but idk i don't do this for a living#lol i'm not looking for finale spoilers i'm just thinking out loud#man tbf book!louis didn't seem hugely invested in lestat showing up in paris except for his surprise testimony at the trial so#they definitely punched up the loustat emotional tension in amc!paris#iwtv#iwtv spoilers
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A few years ago, @cathalinaheart recorded two podfics of my fics, and I encourage everyone to give them a listen.
Podfics are so cool once you get over your embarrassment and shyness of being seen, especially in a way that you're not used to lol. It's magical to hear your words come to life, in the voice of someone who enjoyed your writing enough to read it aloud to others and back to you.
Somehow, it makes it even realer that there's another person out there who opened my fic on their phone or computer and spent time with it. It feels more intimate like it's just that reader and me and the words I excavated from someplace deep inside existing in the space between us.
All this is to say, these podfics are special to me and even more so because they're the first two I ever received! For some reason, I never imagined someone podficcing any of my fics.
WOW, I'M DIGRESSING. WHAT ARE THE FICS AND WHERE ARE THE LINKS TO CAT'S PODFICS, YOU ASK? Here they are:
"The Burning of Flowers" - 616 Hickmanvengers Steve/Tony Hanahaki AU
"In My Hands and Gone Again" - post-Endgame Steve/Tony amnesia AU
THANK YOU FOR MAKING THESE, CAT!<3
#stevetony#superhusbands#stony#steve/tony#my fics#podfic#gifts#oh...maybe the way that your words come back to you like that is where the embarrassment comes in for me#there's a degree of separation with other gifts because they're an interpretation of your work#whereas there's still interpretation in podfics but it's your own words lobbed straight back at your face at 100 mph#so you can't hide fdksfjaj#if you must know i'm that person who gets embarrassed when people sing happy birthday to me#and while that's different that probably won't come as a surprise to people reading this although this is 10 times nicer#it's not people staring at you and singing#and the only appropriate thing to do is stare back smiling and standing/sitting in place#wow that makes me sound like i hate people doing that. i don't! i feel awkward but it's wonderful that people care#that you exist in the world! that you were born into it#okay back to podfics#it's really cool to hear where emotions come in for podficcers! it's a novel experience and one that i deeply appreciate#and i get to respond to and interact with those emotions too
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[ rubs gremlin hands maniacally because nobody is here to witness my ramblings, ]
#ㅤ not to get mushy on main or whatever but... i want to thank everyone ( and i mean EVERYONE ) who reached out when i went AWOL#ㅤ & not to throw myself a pity party but like i genuinely did not think it'd be noticed; you can imagine my surprise when a handful-#ㅤ -of my besties reached out within HOURS asking where was Kitty; like i legit got super emotional & maybe it's bc i was going thru some-#ㅤ -shit at the time ( i still am but it has calmed down some thankfully ) but the fact that people noticed / said they wanted Kitty back#ㅤ it legit made me melt. been feeling so unwanted in many other places in my life so idk what i'm trying to say now but really i just TRULY#ㅤ -appreciate & love you guys; anyway this to also say that i shall be a lot less active / will be keeping this blog on the DL#ㅤ a friends-only place if you will; we'll see how that goes bc i'm notorious for not following thru shit#⠀﹙ ➛ 𝐊𝟕𝐓𝐓𝐈.𝐄𝐗𝐄 ﹚⠀:⠀ㅤbeauty 🎀 comienzo a modelar,
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Generational trauma is weird sometimes.
Like, I have never in my life seen let alone experienced a tornado. But both of my parents lived through a nasty one, and so now any time we get so much as a watch, I've got leashes and collars on the dogs and my bag strapped on with my ID and sturdy shoes (even if I'm otherwise still in my pj's) and my water bottle refilled and I am READY. All because I grew up on the story of my mom having to walk barefoot to the red cross station after her house got blown away around her.
Anyway, this comes up now because last week was the 50th anniversary of the inciting event, as it were, and my mom actually told her story straight for once instead of roundabouting it.
Pictures/info/TLDR version of the stories below in case you were curious.
Clocked in at half-mile wide. Multiple vortices. Wind speeds estimated between 250-305mph. 32 killed (plus two firefighters due to a subsequent fire) and 1,150 injured.
On the ground for 39 minutes, traveling about 32 miles. Downtown Xenia pictured at center, Arrowhead subdivision on the far left at point of touchdown.
The Arrowhead subdivision was the first hit - my mother's neighborhood. All that was left of her house was the hallway she was sheltering in with her younger brothers, and the closet where she'd stashed the family cat. They were home alone at the time. She was 14.
Image of the damage in downtown Xenia, where my dad was. He survived thanks to a passing couple who dragged him off his bike and to the nearest cover - the stairwell of an elementary school. It was partially destroyed, and he almost lost a finger to a flying brick, but he lived to tell about it. He was 16.
#generational trauma#tornados#family history#natural disasters#genuinely though this was horrific#they both have ptsd from it#so I'm not surprised i ended up with anxiety about it lol#but still. interesting to look at it in action like this.#i also have this funny little obsession with natural disasters#because my reaction to fear is to throw science at it#i break the thing down until i understand how it works and why#because if i can understand it i can predict it#and if i can predict it then it won't catch me unprepared#i should probably talk about this with my therapist at some point actually haha#there's intellectualizing your emotions#and then there's this lol#it's fine we're fine#lp talks
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