#sure would love to see a therapist but thats all gone to shit.

[arcadequeerz]

Genuinely I have no motivation to keep Going anymore.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Delta anon here again and I am loving these most recent posts. I have many ideas now.

For one, if Color was distressed enough about not knowing how Killer is doing, I feel like Delta and Epic would let him call - under the exception that they are allowed to listen in. Color obviously protests this, but they refuse to budge. Because although they do want Color to recover from the abuse and manipulation he's going through with Killer, they also know how bad his panic attacks get when he thinks a loved one is dead. But the immediate minute Killer starts guilt tripping, one single word about it, one of them physically takes the phone away and hangs up while the other restrains Color from stopping him. No hesitation.

And if he sneaks out? Oh, buddy. You have an engineer for a friend. You bet your ASS that Delta somehow managed to put a location chip on him somehow - phone, hoodie, pocket, you name it. He managed to put it in - and incredibly well hidden. So if Color sneaks out? Once they wake up and realize he's gone, they follow Delta's tracker straight to him.

Obviously once they get Color back (and once Delta and Beta are allowed their time of beating the shit out of Killer and probably psychologically fucking him over a bit, too), they first check to make sure he's ok. Then they launch straight into scolding him for it. Because really, what the fuck? We understand that you're worried for him and that you miss him, but that wasn't ok. You need to be ok with not being able to peek over Killer's shoulder (hypervigilance) 24/7 to make sure he isn't doing anything wrong. You can live without him and he can live without you.

Now this is probably about when Color starts trying to defend Killer, or get out of it somehow. They shut that bullshit down instantly.

Delta calls it as it is. It's abusive, toxic and manipulative. And although Color hates it - deep down, he knows they're right. He won't ever admit it to himself, but he knows that if Delta or Epic were somehow in this situation, he would call it what it is, too.

Epic takes a gentler approach, knowing Delta can definitely speak for the both of them, so he focuses more on making sure Color is ok at the moment and isn't getting too upset. He steps in when needed, but let's Delta do the most of the talking. Because Beta is telling him exactly what to say and how it's abusive. Because unfortunately, poor Beta knows what an abusive relationship is like.

Color, of course, would probably try to flip it - he'd try to play therapist again, asking how Delta/Beta knew about abuse, why did they? Yeah, that wouldn't fly either. That also gets shut down very quickly.

The road trip would last a very long time. The bigger a fight Color puts up, the longer it lasts. And then some on the way back. Because like hell are they gonna be letting Killer near right now. They love Color way too much to just sit on the sidelines and watch him be abused and manipulated by a mass murderer.

Oh hello again delta anon so happy to see you!! /gen

Also may i propose some bits of Ekko vs Jinx for either Cross vs Killer or Delta vs Killer.

cuz like. the exhausted walk, the death glare and sneer, the unhinged giggle, and “ooohhh..look who it is! the boy SAVIOR!” either that or ekko can be murder/dust protecting color & delta all the possibilities. or just good old delta protecting color & epic.

(But for my own sanity im gonna say it doesnt manage to ever come to this type of confrontation. please i cant take it i need them to go back to being themselves!! 😭) (thats a lie i love the drama of it all lmao)

and of course delta put a tracker on color lmao. get chipped idiot.

and like..imagine that color has a hard time putting seeing himself as completely blameless simply because killer made him into a forced perpetrator. and hes like i said that or i did that and i hurt him and delta & beta have to remind him of not only the context surrounding all of it—how killer pushed and pushed and manipulated—but also point out that killer and chara and nightmare had this exact same shit going on.

if color can claim killer wasnt to blame for what chara and nightmare made him do, then how can he be to blame for what killer made him do. breaking that cycle baby hell yeah.

oh i wonder how itll all end. Will it keep escalating, will it just be a period of enforced no contact between color and killer until killers able to get it together. or will color and killer run off eventually.

aw god imagine colors interactions with stage 1. id imagine he didnt have a clue what’s going on really—what would he ever think this was okay? where did the logic come from?—and also id imagine hed have missing gaps between the memories of color comforting him and the memories of color punishing him—why? what happened? whywhy? this cant be real what did he do?

because through it all stage 1 would immediately jump to the conclusion that he did something. he cant say why—he doesnt understand, what was he thinking? he cant connect with his other stage’s logic—and yet theres also this sense of..fear. around color.

which is thinks is fucking stupid hes the reason it even happened at all. and the whole thing sets stage 1 back entire leaps and bounds in his process and he keeps his mouth fucking shut and tries force himself to deal with the guilt and shame and misguided fear and ooh all the drama.

hmm does anyone have any ideas for what happens with stage 1 or what just happens next 🤔

[hiemaldesirae]

Swap au nonny: no plans to write this at all, so go ahead an write away =)

But yeah, Valentino thought Vox had it in the bag--now he believes that Alastor doesn't deserve death, but should be someone's bitch for eternity (he should have been Vox's, but seeing how the deer acts with Vox's stuff, he would probably like that). Velvette doesn't know what to think. She misses Vox terribly, and hates Alastor, and is very upset with Valentino for not going to Vox's distress call--she definitely would have gone, but wouldn't have made it in time as her true demon form doesn't have flight. Velvette basically did most of the work for all 3 sectors of the Vees while Alastor was punishing Valentino and Valentino's souls, and becomes friends with Niffty during those first 4 years. Once Alastor takes back the reigns and Val gets back to work, Velvette goes back to what she used to do too. Like things are mostly unchanged for her. (Mostly because she befriended Niffty and eventually Rosie. Her doing that saved her)

As for Vox's sector? His giant monitor room is clean by Niffty and is visited by Alastor once or twice a month, where Alastor ponders what Vox exactly did in the room. His office has been taken over by Alastor, his last ideas and drawings framed and safely kept in Alastor's bayou space. Vox's contracted souls continued to work for Voxtech...until a day after Alastor realized Vox was back, and that's when Vox gently pulled on their chains and called them to him. (Not like there was many left. Alastor did actually land a killing blow. Vox had to use some of his contracted souls to heal himself, destroying them in the process. But Vox lived, and that's what matters.)

Alastor does say I love you to the head he sleeps with in his bed! Also, I'm sorry, and I didn't mean too, and please come back to me. I'll be better. I'll never hurt you again, my love.

Vox does have PTSD. It's so bad that he has to take relaxation meds to go to the overlord meeting (since it's required for both allied overlords to show now) and Alastor will definitely be there, with his ally Rosie. It's fine though he has Husk.

YEAHHHHHHH YIPPEE THANK YOU NONNY I WONT DISAPPOINT I PROMISE!!!! (question for writing purposes btw. do charlie/vaggie know that vox is there on behalf of lucifer or does he just Show Up)

Urghm. wughd. imgnonna. Throw up. what the FUCK !!!!!!! what thde FUCK...................!!!!!!!!!! valvel going the FUCK through it while theyre both mourning their best friends death and harbouring so sososo much guilt from it all...if hell had therapists theyd need it more than anyone else please someone put the vees together in a cage so they can hug it out :(

oh god als such a fucking freak. i just know hed keep all of voxs old shit like pristine and clean and just looking like it was preserved in time or something, even when hes also making voxtek employees come in to do constant upgrades so that it seems more like something vox would do. trying to hold on to the pieces of him that he still has left while changing them to make it feel as if vox never left in the first place... and also, once alastor finds out vox is alive again, does he jump to the idea of having someone infiltrate the hotel to keep an eye on him or something? cause if he sends his shadow, sure thats not something they can get rid of, but he also doesnt know how well vox will respond to his shadow- even if they were close, alastor *did* kill vox nearly permanently, so is this potentially how the hotel gets niffty?

banging my head against the wall WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SAYS SHIT LIKE 'ill be better' AND 'ill never hurt you again, just please come back to me'.... makes me think of those like, manhwas or whatever where the mc goes back in time to save someone they loved but treated like shit. they make my heart hurt what the FUCK nonny why would you do this to me.... urgh. the worst part is knowing alastor is that he does honestly probably mean it but in like His way. the toxic doomed yaoi way. like he's going to kidnap vox and keep him by his side forever if it means the other won't get hurt and almost leave again. which is usually a good thing because again. freak4freak radiostatic enthusiast here . but for swap!vox... oh my poor dear. he's probably freaking the fuck out whenever he sees al. is there even any ending where radiostatic gets a happy end :sob:

ough i can imagine husk just like standing protectively in front of vox during the meetings or something, like if rosie tries to get close to him or something he tells her firmly to leave because even though they were friends, vox cant even look her in the eye anymore because in his eyes, she *knew* what al did and still stayed by his side. she knew he killed vox and probably condoned it, and she'd probably help him do it all over again if they could- or at least that's what he thinks, but she really is just trying to get close to him again and cant understand why he's pulling back so hard. and the image of al trying to approach vox after a meeting or something only to be met with val and vels interference as husk takes vox and flies him back to the hotel- valvel get punished severely afterward for keeping them apart, obviously, but theyd do *anything* to keep vox safe especially because last time, when they didnt do enough, he almost died forever

[borathae]

Chapter 7

are we about to see his art collection or his "art collection" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

sneaking around is fun keke no wonder she is all excited and giddy haha cutie pie

Stop laughing”, Taehyung warns quietly, looking over his shoulder. He carries fondness in his eyes and a mischievous grin on his lips. stop IM GONE IM SIMPING IM A PUDDLE

NO UR A MENACE FUCKER DECIDES TO TICKLE ME TO STOP MAKINGME LAUGH NOPE watch my ass fall down the stairs and wake the whole house up

“You’re beyond adorable."

I told my familiar to light the candles your WHAT????

Taehyung is thinking into the future. THATS I WHAT THOUGHT TOO YIPPEEE

other than the rest of the house - which reminds you more of a museum than a home - his wing looks like a home. Bear in mind it was still a very impressive - and royal - home, but it gave you a homely feeling with its burgundy red walls and hardworking radiators. ooh red walls, they feel cozy/warm and very royal vibes

He is already wearing fur slippers HOW DID HE DO THAT dudes faster than flash

Why ruin your home with the dirt of outside? FR 💯

HE TOOK OFF OUR SHOES AAAH and TOUCHED OUR ANKLES THEY BOTH ARE FOR THE COBBLESTONES

They are matching with his UWU, im imagining cat slippers its too funny

You have the prettiest of ankles, my sweetest me to hobi and kook

ALSO HOW MANY ANKLES DID U SEE MY MAN (ik he saw a lot considering he is ancient lol)

Tall windows let in the moonlight from the left, illuminating the paintings on his walls that sounds extra cozy, i want to put a fluffy blanket on my shoulders

“Doesn’t he? It’s the reason why I purchased it”, he says excitedly. 👀 u sure about that?? 👀 did he get kneller to paint it for him 👀👀you sure that this isn’t like your great great great grandfather BABY CONNECT THE DOTS

come now I want to show you something else. HE CHANGED THE SUBJECT

Oh no”, you chuckle, “he just likes to show off.” still cool cousin kudos to him

“Three years? Holy cow and I can’t even work on an essay for twenty minutes without feeling the need to procrastinate.” WOW TAEHYUNG DAMN THATS SICK also u didnt need to call me out like that i-

Delicate roses climb up a marble pillar thats amazing i love murals

"A very long time." edward cullen who

Shall I show you something else too?” he asks quietly. aww my cute lil pookie go ahead why so nervous, smooches the fuck out of nervousness😭

the description of him playing violin gave me goosebumps and its 33C here. why am i slightly teared up

THERES A SECRET DOOR OMG IM GONNA PLAY BARBIE AND THE SECRET DOOR THERE FUCK THIS IS SOO CUTE AAAH

Gosh you own so many cool things.” ik he is soo cool, he can totally murder me on the stairs

Do you have your secret stack of drugs up there?” you joke, dont what if he is a mafia boss???? also he is about to throw you off the top 😭 yeet

Okay yep, holy cow. This is better than drugs FR OCTAGON SHAPED ROOM ARE THE BEST, my uncle's living room is like that and its amazing to play "find the object with hints" type games

if I could marry one room it would be this one TAE MOVE SHE IS MINE WE ARE MEANT TO BE MARRIED wait tae dont move, we can be a throuple

people were right, namjoon copied love yourself album FROM SIR KIM TAE-ITH HYUNGWILL THE THIRD, love thyself

His skin is glowing silver again, like water when it reflects the moon at night or snow when the sunlight hits it just right. singularity performances *shudders

You are the only person who knows this room exists.” SAY WHAT *faints

Why did you paint the stars?” THAT TOO FOR 3 YEARS AND HE THOUGHT OF IT AS HELL, his therapist will need a therapist

NAUR THE ICE CREAM NO SHE JUST TOLD U NOT TO hes such a cute lil shit i cant

oh the trying to be invisible, i do that too, i keep doing that for half of an academic year, and all that time i just vibecheck everyone and the other half, i slowly come out of the shell (not much tho lol) that way i dont miss anyone or does anyone miss me and they cant hurt me too

this chapter was so cute, fluffy and cozy and they both speaking more about themselves aah its sooo good. and i loved his home/wing. the description of the place was just great i could feel the bed and the stars

byee 💜💜❤️❤️

This ask was a ghost ask on my computer 😶 like I saw that you sent me an ask in my notifs and I could open it on mobile, but it was non existant on my laptop HFHADHSF help

sneaking around is fun keke no wonder she is all excited and giddy haha cutie pie

no but they're so cute no joke 🥺

I told my familiar to light the candles your WHAT????

he's just a rich lil spoiled vampire

Taehyung is thinking into the future. THATS I WHAT THOUGHT TOO YIPPEEE

EHEHEH <3

other than the rest of the house - which reminds you more of a museum than a home - his wing looks like a home. Bear in mind it was still a very impressive - and royal - home, but it gave you a homely feeling with its burgundy red walls and hardworking radiators. ooh red walls, they feel cozy/warm and very royal vibes

I agree YES 🥺

HE TOOK OFF OUR SHOES AAAH and TOUCHED OUR ANKLES THEY BOTH ARE FOR THE COBBLESTONES

he is so fucking HOT

You have the prettiest of ankles, my sweetest me to hobi and kook

I'm obsessed with their ankles 😶 it's the Dom in me 😶

ALSO HOW MANY ANKLES DID U SEE MY MAN (ik he saw a lot considering he is ancient lol)

imagine all the ankles he had resting on his shoulders 😶

Delicate roses climb up a marble pillar thats amazing i love murals

NO BUT ME TOO 😭 I wanna paint a forest mural on my bedroom wall, but I'm too scared to mess up

Shall I show you something else too?” he asks quietly. aww my cute lil pookie go ahead why so nervous, smooches the fuck out of nervousness😭

he's just a lil pookie <3

Okay yep, holy cow. This is better than drugs FR OCTAGON SHAPED ROOM ARE THE BEST, my uncle's living room is like that and its amazing to play "find the object with hints" type games

ooh nice I love this vibe <3

Why did you paint the stars?” THAT TOO FOR 3 YEARS AND HE THOUGHT OF IT AS HELL, his therapist will need a therapist

he does not a Therapist I can tell you that much HAHAHHAAH

oh the trying to be invisible, i do that too, i keep doing that for half of an academic year, and all that time i just vibecheck everyone and the other half, i slowly come out of the shell (not much tho lol) that way i dont miss anyone or does anyone miss me and they cant hurt me too

That was me too when I was younger, but we're allowed to take up space on this earth. That's our right too, remember that my love 💜

this chapter was so cute, fluffy and cozy and they both speaking more about themselves aah its sooo good. and i loved his home/wing. the description of the place was just great i could feel the bed and the stars

I'm so happy that you loved it so much seriously heheh 💜💜

[v1x3n]

( ｡ • ᴖ • ｡) - MAD.

simon 'ghost' riley ⸝⸝ navigation ⸝⸝ depressed masterlist ୨୧ tags : angst

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : your heart breaks when your bestfriend isn't even there to help you after your attempt.

He was mad? He wasn't mad at himself or everyone who had done shit towards you - he was mad at you. Hell, not even mad, fucking pissed. He was fucking pissed.

The only thing you had remebred from before was having a nice drink, couldnt remebr what speficly it was a blur- but it was something alchoholic. Gin maybe? Wine? You couldnt tell but thats the only thing you remember.

Sipping on your drink then your mind goes blank, by the crying and sad family members around you, being in the hospital and now having a therapist you knew what you had done. It wasn't like it wasn't coming to you though - you had wanted this, well not this moment, for years.

There were so many people who had visited you in that plain boring hospital, crying about you having to live in a plain boring hospital bed and not being able to come to see them and shit, but there was one person who had not come. Simon fucking Riley.

Finally once you could get back into working - obviously with some protection like people need to check on you bla bla blaaa. Seeing everyone again brings happiness to your void of a heart, knowing that all of them care about you and love you dearly. Simon? The person you thought you were closest to? The person who spent every minute with you and you just chit chatted for ages? Not there.

After a bit of being back you got into more group shit, going out drinking and hanging out with them all the same shit. So here you are once more in the mess hall with a few amtes, the usual soap and gaz. When the unseen hulk of a person comes into there, and surprisingly sits next to your group.

“ghost! How've you been? haven't seen you in ages!” Your soft voice mixed with a smile didn't even make his straight faced, emotionless face budge even an inch.

“been fine.” blunt and dry response. Had your relationship with him really gone back to 0?

Luckily soap and gaz was there to make the air a little less awkward, “glad you're back bonnie, when you gettin back onto missions?”

The air in the room was almost unbearable, god you wanted to retry what you had done a few months ago and fucking get it done right because of how fucking awkward it is now.

"Idk" you replied way too quickly as if you needed to move onto a different subject. It wasn't like it was a touchy subject though it was like you felt deep inside you shouldn't mention it any longer. "Whenever I'm better, I guess” you shrugged off.

Glancing your eyes to ghost you got immediate bad energy. You could tell he was pissed.

"Oi si? you alr’ght?”

“fine.” Booming straight answer.

You feel like you should keep prodding so you do, you know maybe you shouldn't listen to yourself all the time - it always ends in the worst.

"You think I wanted to do what I did!?” you scream at him, turning around so you couldn't see his stupid fucking face.

The small dry answers ticked you off so you kept prodding about what was wrong. It ended in him storming off and you following him to his dorm to find out what the fuck was wrong with him! This was the result:

“well fucking clearly or you wouldn't have done it!” he shouts back at you, his anger rising to levels you'd never seen before.

“so you blame it on me?” “you blame me for wanting to fucking kill myself on me?!” screeching as tears flow down your eyes. Not sure of whether it was because the person you trust most is angry at you because you didn't wanna be here anymore or perhaps you were crying at how loud you were shouting-how angry you were back at him.

“yes! Yes, I do! And what's fucking worse? You're still fucking here!” he spits out, hissing from his teeth.

This had just fucking done it for you. Before you were tearing up now you were full on sobbing. "You what?”

“i would've thought you were the one person who would be with me throughtout all of this, seeing as your past and shit i hoped maybe you would understand me Simon."

"well, I don't, it's just pure cowardice!" he screeched once more. You gulp and try to swallow down your emotions from spewing out. Biting your lip from stopping yourself from just screaming non stop at him.

This man is someone you trusted, the person you told everything and anything to and here he was - here you two are. Shouting at each other with all the hate in the world.

“atleast everything ive been through i didnt - i couldnt fucking end it like a fucking pussy!”

"I didn't have another choice Simon!"

People around you could definitely hear every word both of you were saying without a doubt but with the red clouded fog clogging your mind from the pure anger you didn't care.

A crazy feeling of rage, crimson rising through your chest - your breath unhinged and ragged as he screamed more. Blur after blur of shouting then one thing caught your ears.

"You should fucking try again and do it properly again. I cant believe you are that much of a failure you cant even kill yourself.”

"I hate you simon riley." are your last words before you walk out the door leaving him there with all the words he had just spewed out.

comment to join main taglist!

[tk-writer]

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I politely request some directors commentary for your fics.

fics?!? as in PLURAL?!?? with a 's'???

*cracks knuckles*

lets GOOOOOOO (infodump below le cut)

SOOOOOOOO in my most recent shadamy fic, i had them go to an indie neo-soul concert instead of Honet Pot or whatever tf that band was in MoStH. and thats because i had just gone to a Liv.e concert and wanted to incorporate that into the story since it was an AMAZING concert, plus the genre fit the vibes/tone i was going for moreso than a peppy pop singer :) and also i want more ppl to listen to her cuz shes phenomenal. my taste in music is superior, pls trust me on this

for the ongoing surgeamy fic i'm in the midst of writing, all of surge's dialogue and inner thoughts are what i say to myself when im having a bad bpd episode. and everything amy says to her is what i wish someone would say to me when i get bad. i see myself in both of them!! i kinda view them as my dark side thats angry and full of self hatred and my brighter side thats loving and sweet and compassionate!!

the one shot surgeamy fic was a rewrite of an old catradora fic that now seems awkward and weird when i look back on it lol. the setting and plot fits surgeamy soooo much better tho. originally i wrote it when i was pining hard for this girl who was my good friend, who kept getting fucked over by lame guys, and i wanted to swoop in like captain save a hoe like the raging bisexual i am lol. she ended up being super toxic and narcissistic tho so i dodged a bullet 🌚

when i wrote the amnesia sonamy fic, it was going to be TOTALLY different from the final draft. i was actually going to have amy lead sonic through her mind, but i didnt think it would hit as hard emotionally so i changed it to have her actively fighting against him, to depict her internal conflict of trying to forget him + trying to preserve her memories of him. i kinda wanna make an alternate ending or even another separate amnesia fic, but that shit was difficult to write so im gonna wait on that lmao.

in pieces of cloud, i realized i lowkey kin amy skfhsjd. i projected so much of myself into her character, from her bpd diagnosis (that no one has noticed yet cuz its such a small detail hehehe) to her fear of abandonment & anxious attachment style. all of that was taken from me and my personal real life experiences!! AND the therapist's dialogue is everything my current therapist tells me when i'm having an episode! its good advice so i wanted to share it 💗 and also heal amy cuz I LOVE HER (just like i love me! 🩷) also im still debating on writing an epilogue for it!! wanted a post frontiers scene but not sure if that would add anything to the story or not!

boom boom into my heart was supposed to be like 25 chapters, but after trying to write a few "fillers" i realized i hated them and they lacked the passion and excitement of earlier chapters. so i ended it early when i thought it felt more natural. im kinda bummed i couldnt stretch the slow burn a little longer, but i also didnt wanna drag it out or have it become boring just for the sake of being longer. does that make sense?

[sapphicsaro]

For the SVU asks thing: 10, 13, 15, and 17! :) absolutely love your blog btw!

hey! thanks sm — i really appreciate it <3

10.) best olivia hair season

listen i am BISEXUAL, mariska has always looked incredible regardless of the hairstyle — HOWEVER, i do happen to love her with longer hair.

i would say my top styles are: season 1 bob, season 8 BANGSSSSSS, current season (23) waves, and that straight middle part shoulder length from season 17

13. least fave character past/present

oof, well all the perps are disgusting (thats a given). so it depends, i HATE that one DA bucanon? or however tf his name is spelled, but you’re supposed to hate him…so? not sure if that works?

if its least faves that we were supposed to like, number one is kim greyleck. i was/am a huge casey novak stan so seeing her right after already made me biased but she was horrible with the victims. could not stand her.

as for current? the new guy. something with a v? he replaced kat which was a blow to me as a queer :/ i don’t find him likable at all and i’m kind of upset the show replaced a queer woman of color with him. idk! just me tho??

15. which character dresses the best?

i better not get shit on for this but—

every. single. outfit. that angela wheatley wore, i would rock in a HEARTBEAT. mama came in, blew up kathy, then brought it to the runway.

also liv’s coats??? idk if y’all can tell from the breakdowns but i’m so into the trench coats and blazers. 10/10.

17. all time favorite episode

with a show that has 500 episodes, there’s no way i’d be able to choose just one!

some faves (& why):

slaves (S1) - the psych evals. the minute i fell in love with each character…oof. from cragen’s break, to olivia’s breakdown, to munch’s callout, then monique and elliot?? so good. and this is when i really realized how much me and olivia are alike! so yep, a top contender for sure!!

night (S6) - again, love casey novak and when she got hurt we got to see a vulnerable side of a character who was pretty reassured and tough. plus mrs. potts, doc oc, AND rocket raccoon?? amazing

raw (S7) - this was just a really good plot twisty episode and shocked me the first time i saw it with it’s ending. tough to stomach as a jewish person, though.

blast (S7) - AS A MELINDA WARNER STAN, i have nothing more to say. what a queen 💅🏼

(can i say all of season 9????)

zebras (S10) - yes, for bensler, but also for gwen 🥺 i love carol kane so much ugh

perverted (S11) - all the bensler vibes but also a damn good episode.

(here’s where i confess that i’m catching up on svu i’ve missed and my knowledge of episodes is a little weak when it comes to seasons (11-21). i’ve just finished 16, 17, 18, so i’m catching up!! but apologies if ive missed a good episode!!)

“benson in trouble” (multiple seasons) - idk if i can call them favorites because that sounds wrong(?), but as a survivor i really find it cathartic to watch the episodes where olivia is in trouble (the william lewis arc, the townhouse incident, etc.). my therapist says it’s because i feel a sense of control and know what what’s about to happen, know that she will survive it and bc i see myself like her, i feel a sense of relief. tmi? ahhh

unholiest reunion (S17) - just a thrilling episode!!

heartfelt passages (S17) - dodds…. and tucker/liv!

gone baby gone (S19) - cmon, so good. but also i just love any and all scenes ever that we get of olivia being a mom

part 33 (S20) - very interesting introspect on the behind the scenes of the detectives. i really enjoyed this debate and honestly was captivated by their reactions.

the return of the prodigal son (S22) - i mean… i don’t need to explain this one.

(ALL of organized crime. no joke, i think i like it more than the current episodes of svu. i much prefer how they are writing their characters!!)

[celestialrry]

call me baby

psa: this might have a part 2 if anyone wants it, ik its a shitty ending lol but I wouldn’t know what to write after this. also I have another angst piece in the works but its literally taking so long to write 😖

1.8k

summary: Being hopelessly in love with your friend isn’t ideal, especially when Harry doesn’t even seem to see you as more than a therapist. 

warnings: angst, pining, cursing

You looked over at your phone, now vibrating against your bedside table, lit up with his contact photo, a picture of him sticking his tongue out. “Hi.” You picked it up, wrapping your free arm around your torso, sitting up a bit straighter out of instinct even though he couldn't see you.

“Hey, love. Can I get some advice?” He asked through the phone, his voice a bit gravely and deep as always. You silently sighed, biting your lip in hesitation. Everytime you’d get a call from him, he would either rant about his current partner, get advice about them, or just want you to be there when he needed someone to talk to.

Of course you would always be there for him, regardless of time, space, and anyone he gave his heart to. He was Harry Styles for god's sake, your friend since forever, the man who treated everyone like they were the best thing in his life, most of the time at least. He lit up any room he was in and when you’d see him it would always be fulfilling, even if the two of you sat in silence in a room of just four walls.

“Of course, what’s up?” You asked after a brief moment of silence. It was currently 4 in the morning in your single room flat in London and you didn’t think Harry knew that, but you weren't going to tell him.

“It’s just, Ana’s has been so clingy lately and we’ve only been together officially for 3 weeks. It’s making me want to end things.” Harry admitted into the phone. You almost rolled your eyes at his words. Not once has he called you to ask about you in months, but that's just how things were. You weren’t sure why you expected anything else.

“If you aren’t happy with her, end it,” You spoke up after a while, unsure if you were giving him the advice because you were desperate to be with him or it was genuinely what he should do.   “There’s no point in being with her if you’re considering ending it over her being clingy.”

You heard him sigh into the phone before speaking up. “Yeah, we’ll see, thanks,” He said your name. You smiled a bit at that. It was crazy how he could make you feel so special by just the tone of his voice, absurd, really,

“ ‘Course. So-” Before you could say anything else you heard the beep of the phone being hung up. You took a deep breath, trying to think of how Harry and you were before everything changed.

2 years ago

“I can’t believe you’re officially moving to L.A.” You said as you stood in his bedroom doorway, watching him pack up his last few clothes.

“Me neither.” He simply said.

Before you could stop it, you felt a salty tear roll down you cheek. As you wiped it away, he turned around, his face dropping all previous joy, concern flooding his features.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He used the nickname he gave you 11 years ago when we were 10. It was crazy how the two of you had known each other so long, and now you were both 21, and he would be living in the city of angels.

“Just gonna miss seeing you as often as I usually do is all.” You laughed, the tears flowing more freely now. One Direction had just gone on hiatus and after spending some time at home, Harry decided to switch it up a bit. You didn’t understand why he couldn’t just switch it up by not wearing skinny jeans everyday, but it seemed he wanted something bigger than that.

He pouted and walked over to you, giving me a hug before mumbling in your ear, “I’ll call you everyday. Promise.”

Promises were made to be broken, it seemed. He only calls you when he needs a hand, and only answers if he’s alone. You wish you found it more frustrating than painful, maybe that way it would be easier to move on, but you have yet to do so. You’ve asked yourself why you were still silently pining over him, with no answer in sight.

The last time you saw Harry in person was almost a year ago, when he came back to visit his family. Up until that trip he called you everyday, or close too, wanting to know about you day or he just “wanted to hear your voice”. Then when we were together it was like no time had passed while he was away.

1 year ago

“Oh shut up.” You scoffed, lightly punching his bicep.

He just laughed in return, rubbing his arm acting like you had actually hurt him.

“I feel like you just got back and now you’re leaving again,” you said after a bit, knowing he was leaving the next morning. “Plus,” you added, gently playing with his hair. “I’m gonna miss your hair, it’s so fun to braid.”

He looked over at you as your hand fell to rest on his shoulder, running your fingers through his curls. “I know, but I’ll come back soon. I’ll try not to cut my hair for you, don’t worry.” He smiled at you, leaning over and pulling you into a hug.

You just returned his grin and hug, and stuck your fingers through the ringlets, having way too much fun with his hair. You noticed he was looking at you the entire time you were messing with his hair, but you convinced yourself it was because he had nowhere else to look.

Eventually, you were so close to him you could see freckles you never had before. Your breath hitched, not knowing if you should backup or not, your hand still resting on his shoulder in his curls. Then all of a sudden he was far away again, and it was like nothing had ever happened.

Your heart ached with the love you had for Harry, and it seemed nothing could cure it except him and when you woke up the next morning and instinctively checked your phone, you frowned as you noticed no notifications from the one person you truly wanted to hear from.

You weren’t sure when your hurt extended from the pain of practically losing a friend to the pain of not being able to be with someone you love. You weren’t sure when you started seeing his lips as kissable and not something to put lipstick on for fun. You weren’t sure when you started looking at his hands as something to hold and not as a blocker for your playful punches.

You weren’t sure when you started stealing glances more than you usually did or avoiding eye contact because it made you nervous. You weren’t sure when your stomach was no longer empty and then filled with butterflies. You weren’t sure when he stopped calling just to talk, or when he stopped picking up. All you were sure of was that you were hopelessly in love with someone who could never feel the same.

                                                            ✧˖*°࿐

He called a few more times about the same girl, Ana. You had spoken to your friend about it, and you were slowly getting over him. Each time you were getting cut off and hung up on, and it took a really long time for you to know you deserved better. He hadn’t called you since he attempted once and you didn’t answer. It went on for a few months, he would call you almost everyday, alongside texts like “Hello?”, “Pick up, please?”, and the text that came last before you blocked him, “Are you okay?”. He didn’t deserve to know, and sure maybe you shouldn’t have just cut off all contact, but there was no other way to get over him.

A month after you blocked him, and you were no longer sulking when you checked your phone and no longer crying to sleep. You were becoming happy thanks to your self control, and finally learning that just because Harry didn’t love you, didn;t mean you shouldn’t love yourself.

You were sitting on your couch when there was a knock at your door. You looked up from the book in your lapa and stood up, scurrying to the door, not wanting the person at the other side to be waiting.

You swung it open, met with the last face you expected to see. He looked concerned almost, and almost immediately you were wrapping in his arms, after over a year he was holding you once more. Except this time you didn’t want it. You pushed him off of you and stepped back. “What are you doing here Harry?” You asked, a scowl on your face.

“I-y’wouldn’t answer me and then nothing went through, god, I was so worried, love-”

“No,” You shook your head. “Don’t call me that, you can’t just come here after being an asshole to me for over a year. You are not allowed to be worried about me, not when you haven’t bothered to ask how I am after all this time.”

His mouth dropped open in shock, you were always so calm, you never had yelled at him before. “I’m sorry-”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” You pursed your lips.

“Just let me explain,” He said, hesitating like he was trying to find an answer to this, but you knew whatever he told you, nothing would change. “I-when we saw each other last, we almost kissed, or at least I almost kissed you, I love you, I was so scared that y’wouldn’t feel the same, and I guess I got caught up in trying to make you jealous. Please, m��so sorry.”

He took a step towards you and you took two steps back. There was no way he felt the same as you did- you had. And even if he did, you always knew he was shit at handling feelings, but there was no excuse.

“No, you can’t do that, say that. I don’t care if you mean it or not,” You began, tearing up. “That-thats’s so fucking terrible to do to someone, especially if you love them. I’m tired Harry, I’m done with you, I’ve been done with you for months.”

“What?” He asked, like he couldn’t believe you.

“Please leave.”

Your heart broke at your own words, but you couldn’t forgive him. Not now, and maybe not ever.

“Please I-”

“I said leave, Harry.”

You could see his watery eyes as he opened his mouth to protest once more, but then closed it. There was nothing he could say. Not anymore. He was always leaving, but this time, for the first time, you wanted him to.

[athys-obelia]

summary: the non dysfunctional!imperial family au hcs no one asked for 😳👉👈

character/s: anastacius de alger obelia, claude de alger obelia, athanasia de alger obelia, jennette de alger obelia

here's part 2 :)

let’s set our stage, shall we?

first of all claude n anastacius’ dad is dead coz we don’t like him at all ew

so ana is the emperor, and claude is his heir presumptive (aka he’s got the strongest claim to the throne rn, but this can be changed by the birth of someone who has a stronger one - ie, anastacius’ child who would be the heir apparent) also bc “i know my mom and i gave u lots of childhood trauma that you prlly won’t be recovering from because therapists aren’t a thing here but here’s a crown you might get to make it better”

claude’s in a position where after the birth of ana’s kid/direct descendant, he’s gonna be given a duchy that athy should inherit after him while still retaining the title of prince

but after hearing of diana’s pregnancy, ana tells her and claude he doesn’t really plan on having children and wants to make their future kid his successor

he basically reserves a spot for their child in the directory and rather than announcing anything publically, anastacius names her athanasia after the sex is confirmed

then this mf obviously pulls a clown move and gets penelope pregnant and complicates things, ultimately naming her jennette, finding the name fitting - ‘god is gracious’

and really, what could be more evidence of god’s grace than the child he’s now fathering, when he thought his legacy would be ending with him?

anyways!!!

so since athy and jennette are born near the beginning of ana’s reign, both claude and anastacius are wayyy too busy trying to bring back the empire from the literal brink of bankruptcy and a possible war to really spend time w their kids

it’s alright, though!! lily is hired as athy’s nanny, while jennette gets kiel’s mom as hers

they all still live together, though obviously the main palace is for ana + jennette while claude + athy are in a separate one

this 'separate one’ is ruby palace after ana dismisses the concubines and he definitely 100% did this on purpose, and whenever he’s summoning claude he’s such a shit about it and goes about it the way you’d summon a deadass concubine

on a separate note, it’s surprisingly claude who visits athy first - he’s seen her here and there with lily but hasn’t ever had the chance to spend time w her. but now it’s almost been a year since athy’s birth (or diana’s death), her first birthday is fast approaching, and he is drunk

lily is a reallyyyy light sleeper and enters the nursery upon hearing someone inside

she doesn’t expect to see the prince standing above his daughter’s crib, a strand of her golden hair between his fingers as he just…stares at her

she approaches quietly, curtsying in greeting - he’s too absorbed to notice, and after a few minutes of silence lilian tells him, “babies can get lonely too, your highness.”

he glances at her then, confused. “how?” he really can’t understand how this girl, who can’t even speak yet comprehend something like loneliness

“princess athanasia is very responsive to her surroundings, much more than children her age usually are,” lily says, “and i like to believe children are able to tell when their parents are with them.”

he scoffs - what a foolish thought. still, claude sits by her bedside, and before he can register it, he’s taken over by sleep

the next night, claude makes his way towards the nursery and stiffly asks if athy could sleep beside him for the night - it’s fairly late, but lilian allows it

he’s gone to the main palace too early the next morning for athy to be awake, but she spent about two minutes tops worrying about the strange surroundings, saw the shiny chandelier and fancy bed and decided yes, she doesn’t mind this kidnapping

this becomes somewhat of a regular occurrence soon enough, and sometime that week she wakes up in the middle of the night with her nose pressed into something soft and literally falls off the huge ass bed at the realisation that this something soft is actually her papa’s hair (you just know that hair smells great i mean uh-)

this mans wakes up and peeks at her on the ground, reaches out to grab her from the front of her nightdress (he swears it’s exactly how he’s seen lilian do it) and plops her back onto the bed

she backs up OBVIOUSLY, you don’t just wake up with a random ass man in your bed and just vibe together?? lee jihye is dying but he glares at her for disturbing his sleep and athy pulls her act together in 0.000001 secs as claude pulls her closer and goes back to sleep

as athy grows, claude starts allowing her to visit his office during the day until it becomes a sort of ritual - he’d have tea and milk prepared and she’d come, sitting somewhere completing a puzzle or sum while he works

mans nearly tears down the entire imperial palace the day she doesn’t show up until he finds her in the garden, teaching jettie the 'proper’ way to hold a teacup during tea parties while lilian and roger’s wife, vivian, watch

athy emotionally blackmails asks him to join the tea party, so half an hour later, anastacius finds his brother sitting on the grass with a plastic teacup that athy’s filling with hot water as she lectures him to learn to fix his posture from lily so he can sit like a “proper dignified lady”

so in the beginning, jennette actually ends up spending more time with claude than her dad. though one day, the brothers are in the audience hall when athy runs in with felix running after her telling her not to run (there’s a shit ton of guards surrounding anastacius so felix has orders to be with princess athanasia when claude is with ana)

anastacius is used to this sight, and watches, smirking at his brother’s subtle smile as athy offers him this wonky looking flower crown - claude accepts it wordlessly, and ana wants to slap his ass to sanity, who wouldn’t thank their kid when they do adorable things like this??

but then they hear another voice, and in comes jennette with vivian not too far behind her. now jettie has a much cleaner looking crown in her hand, but she glances at her father’s elaborate and beautiful crown all embedded with gems and glittering and then at the one she’s fashioned out of daisies

she's always thought she was much like her uncle - jennette was so fascinated by the plain daises, they weren’t flashy but caught her eye all the same - while athy was shiny and bold like her dad

but now she’s second guessing her choice, how could she make such a simple crown for her dad, the emperor??

claude sighs from beside anastacius and literally picks off his brother’s crown before tossing it towards a very tired felix

athy urges jennette forward, and with a bright red covering her entire face she offers the crown. jennette glances at her uncle for comfort before muttering, “for papa”

anastacius.exe has crashed

this blushly, embarrassed, and apparently talented at flower crowns kid was his?

long story short he forgets to breathe or react and jettie thinks he hates the crown and hates her and won’t ever like to see her again so she starts getting teary

claude pushes his brother’s head down before athy can be convicted for murder

ana 100% almost faints when her tiny chubby fingers delicately place the crown in place, he’ll never admit it but he closed his eyes and almost hugged her instinctively as she shyly adjusted some of his bangs around the new headpiece, muttering, “papa pretty”

jennette rushes back to her sister, who’s glaring daggers at the emperor

anastacius tries to smile to calm jennette a bit and maybe look nice enough for his niece to not kill him in his sleep

right well kiel becomes the royal playmate for both the princesses - athy has her classes with him since she’s advanced and honestly they’ll be going back forth with infodumps one minute and he’s teaching her to make paper airplanes the next

(she writes notes on the paper airplanes the next time she’s in claude’s office and flies them towards him, stuff like, 'does uncle cius also snore loudly like papa?’ and he gets seriously offended like a pissbaby)

jennette first met kiel when he was visiting his mom - vivian had to leave for a bit and she taught him a bunch of flower names and their meanings in the meantime - he makes sure to research a new flower every time he visits her, and brings her a bouquet of said flowers she always knows them but never says anything coz she doesn’t wanna hurt his feelings and he gets so excited as he tells her about their meanings it’s so cute

speaking of jennette - claude and ana may seem worlds apart but they’re at the same level of emotionally constipated

ana watches his brother and niece interact and he craves that, an unconditional, timeless love that can’t possibly be tainted by ulterior motives or the like, but he just doesn’t know how to approach little jettie

it seems easy enough - she’s a smiley, sweet girl and theoretically would be friendly if he is to approach her

but gods he’s just so ashamed - such a sweet babe grew without either of her parents and he doesn’t have an excuse because holy hell, even claude is close to athy

he’s being served food in his chambers when he asks the maid about jennette, and she tells him how among her first words was 'love’ and the brunette would just stroll the palace pointing at people and declare “love you” and watch their face light up

thats so CUTE OMFG

his jaw is touching the floor when he’s told that his daughter knows the names of every worker within the palaces

at this point he’s honestly questioning whether this child is his at all

he’s absolutely horrified at the realisation that this maid, who doesn’t even work in jennette’s part of the palace, knows more about her than he does - hell, he hadn’t even asked vivian to keep him updated on her growth, what right does he have to stick himself into her life now?

now, the maid quietly suggests starting with something small like inviting jennette to tea and

of course he goes about it the wrong way??

poor jettie thinks she’s being tested by the ruthless emperor on her etiquette and spends the entire day practicing with claude after athy guilted him into it

she’s so nervous in front of her dad that he honestly feels even guiltier, and anastacius hurries to grab her hands in his to calm their tremble as she reaches to serve him tea

she apologises lmao and he’s just so flustered himself that he orders for her to sit down and instructs her through a few deep breaths

as she calms down, ana serves her the tea before asking whether girls her age even drink tea

she says no and you can literally hear the crickets

he slides the cup he’s poured for her over to his side before gesturing towards the deserts (it was claude’s daughter-luring pro tip) on her side

“you look like you read a lot,” ana says, before asking whether she’s been reading anything interesting lately

“i don’t, actually,” she tells him shyly

anastacius laughs at how of all things his hate for books is what she got from him - and only when jennette chuckles does he realise that he said that out loud

he lets her go around her bedtime, feeling rather… energized? he doesn’t know how to explain it, but it’s a good feeling

he’s busy again the next day, but has an aide send her flowers - the same ones she had put in her flower crown for him

yes lucas is still sleeping in the palace, yes athy still finds him

so athy sees the flowers from uncle cius and is enraged, literally walks up to her uncle and demands he leave jennette alone if he’s only gonna break her heart by neglecting her

and so we have fifteen minutes of the emperor of obelia stuttering as he explains himself to this seven year old

smfh his cluelessness reminds her of her own dad and she takes pity on ana’s suffering soul

the next morning, to give him a chance to redeem himself, athy asks all four of them to have breakfast together - they accept the invitation, and despite an awkward start, the meal seems to be going well

peace is not written in this family’s fate however, and this is where the first coughing up blood thing happens

ohhhh the palace staff almost gets massacred that day

athy’s limp body is moved to jennette’s room since it’s the closest - lily bursts into tears at the very sight of her princess, jennette refuses to eat or drink until her sister can, felix hears his heart break, claude is barely holding himself together

ana is livid - who dares poison a member of his family? what has he even done to earn the privilege of calling these girls his family, when he can’t protect them, at the very least?

claude absolutely refuses to leave her room and finishes all his work right outside her door, lest she wake up in pain again

anastacius can’t keep his own anxiety about jennette at bay, insisting she sleep with him as long as claude stays with athanasia - he can tell she’s drained, and she ends up sharing some of her worries late at night. he soothes both her worries and her cries, letting her curl up into him despite it being a rather uncomfortable position

the family is thrown into chaos again once they realise it was never poison, but athy’s own magic that caused this

aka when chibi lucas drops by and voodoos her back to 100%, everyone legit starts worshipping the ground he walks on - he saved their precious princess!!

ana insists on making him athy’s royal playmate after hearing she isn’t fully healed yet

what does this give us? well, a very very early lucas vs kiel

since they’ve both got the title of royal playmate, they constantly argue on whether being the future duke alpheus is a better title than the future royal magician

the girls are always dragged into this - athy always takes kiel’s side to avenge blackie, and jennette likes kiel too, but the young magician sir saved her sister!!

so.

when vivian passes away due to an illness, it’s like roger is an entirely different person

jennette + kiel + athy all help with the funeral preparations since she was a mother/aunt to them all

felix seems to be paying extra attention to kiel

it isn’t long after this that roger decides to send him to arlanta for his studies, leaving behind two disillusioned princesses

athy spends her time viciously studying to stay ahead of arlanta’s curriculum, while jennette takes an interest in cooking

(athy tries and fails spectacularly; lucas laughs at her and jettie accidentally serves him his favourite food too salty to be edible)

a/n: this would be the first of the two parts, so stay on the lookout, hope y'all enjoyed n have a great day <3

edit: part 2

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Sweet Pea//no matter what gets in my way

Request: May I please request a Sweet Pea x female reader that’s based off of the song ‘Come for You’ by Nickelback?

hey! before i start chatting at you all, just wanted to let you know about any trigger warnings, so: there’s mentions of therapy, childhood trauma (not in detail, its mainly sweet pea talking about growing up on the southside), emotions and a car accident (near the end) i hope you enjoy!!! have a great day/night!! also the plot of this is completely different to the meaning of the song/music video. just thought i’d let you know!

“This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever been told to do. And I used to take orders from Jones on a daily basis.” Sweet Pea huffs, flopping onto your bed. A pout takes over his appearance as he stares up at the stars decorating the ceiling and you send him a sympathetic smile, despite the fact that he isn’t paying attention to you. 

“I don’t think its that bad.” You drop your bag on the floor and lie next to him, nudging him with your elbow. He looks at you, the frown on his face somehow worsening, but when you smile at him, it flickers for just a second, the corners of his lips curling up a little. 

“Really?” 

“Well, yeah. You’ve been through a lot. There’s a lot of trauma tucked up in that big head of yours, and if your therapist thinks that you should maybe write down how you’re feeling, then maybe its worth a shot.” You shrug, not tearing your gaze away from the ceiling and he stares at you for a few seconds. His eyebrows furrow as he thinks about what you said. Maybe you were right? 

Thats stupid, you’re always right.

“Why do you always have to be the logical one?” He huffs and you smile, turning on your side to face him. Stray hairs fall in front of your face and he tucks them behind your ear almost as soon as they fall. 

“Because when I’m friends with you, someone has to be.” 

“Yeah, fair.” The two of you laugh before a peaceful silence falls over the room. The sounds of traffic coming from the street below drifts through your open window and it makes Sweet Pea sit up quickly. 

“I thought I said, don’t leave your window open when we’re out.” 

“I forgot.” You roll your eyes, now joining him in staring out the window. A soft breeze causes the curtains to move gently and the sunlight streams in, casting your room in a golden glow. 

“You won’t forget when we’re robbed.” 

“We’re not gonna get robbed.” You huff and start to unpack your bag. 

“Sure we’re not. This is New York City we’re talking about.” He watches you move around your small room, and he smiles to himself. It seems like the light follows you around, casting you in a constant shimmer. 

“We’ve lived for two years and we haven’t been robbe-” 

“Finish that sentence...I dare you.” He cuts you off, sending you a glare to which you just roll your eyes at. Sweet Pea is as threatening as a puppy to you and he knows it. But it doesn’t stop him from pulling his ridiculously adorable faces when he tries to be scary. 

“Aww, you’re so cute.” You pat his head and his scowl falls into a pout. “See, adorable.” You pinch his cheek making him bat your hand away. 

“You’re the worst.” 

“I know.” You smile sweetly at him. 

“I’m going to my room.” He huffs, clearly annoyed at how unaffected by him you are and his reaction only makes your smile widen. 

“Are you going to write about your crush in your diary? Don’t worry I won’t peek.” You tease and he grumbles to himself while walking out. He’s just about to slam your door closed when you call after him again making him stop.

“Yeah?” 

“I am really proud of you, you know?” You tell him honestly and his expression softens, a light blush dusting his cheeks as he looks down at the scuffed floor. 

“For what?” He asks once he finally recovers from the unexpected compliment. To be honest, he doesn’t know what he expected. You always make sure to say something nice to him at least once a day, and he always tries to return the favour. 

He’s just not as good as expressing his feelings as you. Thats probably another things he needs to discuss at his next session. But now he feels a little less stupid for writing in a diary if it means he gets better at talking to you. 

“For how far you’ve come. When we were in High School you never would have thought about any of this stuff. But you are and I think thats great. So, as your best friend and number one supporter, I am so incredibly proud of you. So much so, that I got you a present.” You quickly run towards your dresser, digging through the top drawer before pulling out a wrapped present with a little bow on it. 

He smiles as he takes it from you, looking at you one last time before quickly unwrapping it. “Whats this?” 

“A notebook.” You reply teasingly and he rolls his eyes at you. 

You’d bought it a few weeks ago because it had reminded you of Sweet Pea. You’d been waiting to use it, but when Sweet Pea had told you about what his therapist said, you realized that he would have much more important things to write in it than whatever you would eventually come up with. 

“I mean, whats on it?” 

“Ohh. Its a Sweet Pea. Seriously? Its your name and you don’t even know what they look like. You’ve gone through twenty years of your life and not even googled it once?” 

“First of all, you know Sweet Pea isn’t actually my name. It’s-” 

“Yes, yes. I know what you’re name is. I have been your friend for the past twenty years.” You interrupt, waving your arm at him and he grabs it, pushing it away from him. The two of you play fight for a few minutes before you eventually give in and he finally lets you out of the headlock he had you in. 

You huff, smoothing your hair out and he chuckles, ruffling it back up when you’ve finished. 

“I hate you.” You hit his arm and he feigns hurt. “We’ve been friends- 

“Not long enough.” He interrupts, a bright grin on his face.

“Too long.” You grumble. 

“Shut up.” 

“Get out.” 

“Gladly.” He smiles sarcastically and you flip him off. 

“I am really proud of you though...seriously.” You say, and he stops in the doorway. He clutches the notebook to his chest and he glances at it, a soft smile on his face before turning around to face you, the usual smirk appearing. 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t go on about it.” 

You just shake your head at him making him chuckles before actually leaving, still slamming the door behind him. Once he’s sat down, he reluctantly places the notebook on his bed, the pale pink flowers stand out against the light blue background and he takes a deep breath, grabbing a pen from his nightstand before opening the cover. 

The pen hovers over the blank page. What the hell is he supposed to write about? His trauma? His feelings? And is so, what trauma? Which feelings? This was a stupid idea. But the he remembers how proud you were of him, and he looks at the cover of the book one last time, deciding that maybe this is something he needs to do. No matter how scary it feels. Plus, he’s done far worse things...a pen and a piece of paper can’t hurt him. 

Dear Diary, 

God, how old do I sound? Anyway, dear stupid diary? Well, now I sound even more ridiculous. My actual therapist and my unofficial therapist (y/n, remember her because she’s going to be mentioned a lot) recommended that i write how I feel down. 

I don’t have to show anyone if I don’t want to and I don’t evem even have to read it myself. But apparently its supposed to help, so I suppose I’ll give it a go. Dr Smith told me that a good place to start is to write down why I think I’m in therapy. And to that I told her that there wasn’t a big enough notebook in the world. I suppose I’ll just have to write in tiny letters to cram everything in here because I want to keep this notebook for as long as possible. So time to be honest? 

When you grew grow up on the southside, you learn to grow up a lot quicker than you should. You see a lot of shit that even adults shouldn’t be witnessing, let alone kids. Its like you’re always waiting for the clouds to lift from the darkness of the life you lead, but they never do. And by the time you get to like, 11, you’re more like a soldier than a kid. I’ve known how to fight for as long as I remember and I remember back then, before me and Y/n moved to New York, I felt like I was constantly a little wounded. I needed time to heal, but in Riverdale, on the southside, there is no time. 

Oh, by the way Y/n is my best friend. We’ve been neighbors since we were born and we’ve been practically inseparable. Whatever memories I have of my life, good and bad, she’s always in them. And when we were younger we made a pact that when we gradated, we would leave Riverdale as soon as possible and go somewhere completely different. So we worked (some jobs more legal than others), and we saved up as much money as possible to get an apartment. That was two years ago and we still live in the same shitty apartment, but now its just more out of comfort than anything else. We like it here and we have some great memories here, so even though we probably could get a nicer place, we probably won’t. 

Anyway. I try not to dwell on the past. I don’t succeed though. I suppose during school I had to just keep up appearance. I was in a gang, still am technically and I love the serpents. But its not the best environment to be around. Y/n is always talking about self love and stuff like that and to be honest, I always thought it was kind of just a girl thing. But then I went on twitter and learnt what toxic masculinity is, and with the help of Y/n, Toni and Fangs, I realized that its okay to feel the way I do. Its completely normal and I should get help for it. Which is now why I’m doing this. 

So yeah, thats it. I mean thats not it, it. But you know what i mean. Well I suppose you don’t, you’re an inanimate object but whatever. Now how do I end this. 

Bye? Bye 

To his surprise, he actually feels a little bit better. Maybe this won’t be too bad. And maybe in a little bit, he’ll feel confident enough to show people. Who knows? Maybe writing is something he could actually be good at. 

----

“You’re an ass.” You shout from your bed. What had started off as a good day has ended in the worst possible way. 

You honestly don’t know how you got here. One minute you and Sweet Pea are talking about what to make for dinner, and the next thing, you’re screaming and shouting at each other while simultaneously pissing the neighbours off. 

“I know!” He spits back and you narrow your eyes at him. 

“Get out.” There’s no playfulness in your voice, not like usual. Its just filled with spite and it makes him feel a little sick. There’s only one other time that you’ve talked to him like that, and it was when he called your boyfriend at the time an self-centered dick. He wasn’t wrong, but that wasn’t the point. 

You stopped talking to him for a week after that, but when he turned up at your trailer with flowers and Pop’s takeout, you forgave him instantly. Hugging him tightly and spending the rest of the night watching movies. 

But now, neither of you know how you’ve ended up here so he doesn’t know how to make it up to you. So he does the next best thing. 

“Gladly.” He scowls, slamming the door behind him. He hears a soft thud and knows instantly that you’ve thrown a cushion at him. “Real immature Y/n.” 

“Get fucked.” You shout back and he huffs loudly before slamming his own door shut. 

The bed shakes as he throws himself down on it and he burrows his face into the grey pillow. His hand reaches underneath it and his fingers brush against something cold. His eyebrows furrow in confusion as he pulls it out and all the anger that he was feeling disappears. 

The blue catches his eye first, and then the green of the stem and then finally the pale, delicate petals. He hadn’t even thought of the notebook since he finished writing in it the first time. He sighs, his fingers tracing over the pattern, and he squeezes his eyes closed. His head drops back onto the pillow, not even bothering to move the diary from underneath his face and he moves his hand over to the cluttered night stand to find a pen. 

Dear Diary

Hey, so I know I’m supposed to be talking about my feelings and my trauma and shit and i know I kind of forgot about you, but life got in the way and I don’t have time to write down all my stupid emotions in a arguably very pretty book.

Anyway. I fucked up. I upset Y/n and I don’t know how to make it better because I honestly don’t know how we started arguing in the first place. We’ve only ever had one huge argument like this, and after a week it ended. But this time it feels different. This time my chest is aching and my head is hurting. I have this weird feeling in my stomach and I really don’t know what to do. I figured if you’re supposed to be helping me...then help me. 

I think she thinks I don’t care. That I’ve just dropped our friendship, and everything that comes along with it on the ground and then stomped on it over and over again. 

So, who knows what I’m going to do. I think saying sorry might be the best place to start. 

Hey, look at that. You did help...thanks I suppose.

Bye.

Sweet Pea doesn’t even bother closing the book, he just drops the pen in the middle of it and jumps up, kicking his leg out of the unmade duvet and stumbling out the door. 

He hesitates outside of your room, wondering the best way to go around it. Should he just walk in like he usually does? Or should he knock? 

“Y/n?”  

“...what?” You sniffle and he looks at the floor, unsure of what to say next. 

“Can I er-Can I come in?” 

“That depends.” 

“On?” He wonders. 

“If you’re still gonna be an ass.” He can tell by just the tone of your voice that you’re a little less pissed than you were ten minutes, but only by a little bit. Like 5%, and he lets out a small chuckle before opening the door. 

You’re sat on you bed, your legs tucked into your chest and when the door opens you send him a glare before dramatically looking in the opposite direction. He rolls his eyes but sits opposite you anyway. 

“I’m sorry okay.” 

Silence. 

“Please Y/n.” 

Still silence. 

“Okay, fine. I’m sorry I was being an ass. I don’t even know what we were arguing about and it kinda just snowballed into one big fight. But if it makes you feel any better, the ten minutes I spent in my room I missed you. Like that JLS song, every seconds like an hour or something like that. Anyway the point is, I’m sorry and I missed you so much that I even wrote in my stupid diary. So there’s that. Now please can you forgive me because I hate fighting with you, you’re like the only person I don’t like fighting with...and I’ll buy us takeout to make up for it.” 

“1. Its ‘every minute’s like an hour, every hour’s like a da-’ 

“I don’t need a full rendition.” 

“And 2. You’re diary is not stupid and even though I also don’t like fighting with you either, I’m glad you wrote in it again...so yes, you’re forgiven. And I’m sorry too. I was also arguing with you.” You mumble reluctantly, trying to hide a smile and he smirks, poking at your cheeks teasingly. “Leave me alone.” You grumble, swatting his hand away. 

“So, are we friends again?” He asks, his heart suddenly starts pounding, but you punching him in the arm distracts him from whatever medical problem he is currently experiencing. 

“Yeah...dingus.” 

“Aww, I love you too.” For some reason, both of you feel a blush spreading up your necks after he speaks and the two of you look away for a few seconds. 

“So.” You break the slightly awkward tension. In the twenty years of friendship, you have literally never experienced any kind of awkwardness, but that was weird, for some reason those four specific words had some sort of effect on you both, and now you’re not entirely sure what to do. “What are we having for dinner?” 

“Oh, I er. I dunno.” He shrugs. “Whatever you want...my treat.” 

“Yeah, it better be.” You try to joke but it doesn’t really work. Instead the room feels weird. There seems to be some sort of tension lingering, but its not anger...so who knows what it is? All you know is that you need to both leave.

So you stand. Unfortunately he does the same and the two of you end up bumping into each other. His hands reach out to steady you, grabbing your shoulders and the two of you laugh, although its more forced than anything. 

“I’m gonna go check the menu on the fridge” 

“I need to pee.” He says at the same time. 

“Oh.” You say, slightly surprised and he mentally curses himself. But he really doesn’t know why. He’s told you a lot worse about his bodily functions, and every time you also mutter a small ‘gross’, followed by a laugh. But this just feels icky. “Okay.” 

He gestures for you to leave first, and you do gladly. That whole encounter was weird and you vow never to argue with him again if it makes you feel like that. All strange and awkward and unsure what to do with yourself while trying to calm your heartbeat down. 

---

Dear...should I give you a name or is that weird? What could I call you? Who the hell knows? I’ll come back to that later. I’m feeling better. I think writing is this is actually working. Its only been two months, but I’m actually becoming a lot better at talking about my feelings and shit. Its like I was blindfolded (kinky) to being able to feel, but now I’m seeing. Talking is great! I’m still a little wary about talking about myself to just anyone, lets be real, anyone can be a snitch, or from another gang. 

But I think I’m better at communicating my thoughts and emotions with the people I love like the most. I feel like before I was very close minded, not in like the usual way...because if you know me personally I’m very vocal about human rights and stuff...thats not the point. But I was very closed minded about my own emotions and how to deal with them. But now, thanks to Dr Smith and Y/n, I’m actually starting to believe in myself. Maybe this is how Y/n see’s me. Huh...she must think I’m great. 

I know what it means to let someone in and I think I kind of like it. But that’s also where I have one small issue. 

I know that I’m supposed to talk about my trauma and shit, but I’ve been doing this for like two months so I think I’m good now. Well, not good. But I need to talk about something else thats much more important than whatever is happening in my brain. 

Its Y/n. 

Now usually, if I had any issues involving her, I would talk to Toni and Fangs, but they just involved birthday presents and who is that dickwad talking her on a date? But I can’t talk to anyone about this problem, because I know exactly what Toni and Fangs will say. They’ll say its because we’re in love...we’re not. 

Its just, ever since our fight. Things have been weird around here. We can barely be in the same room as one another for more than five minutes without one or both of us saying something incredibly stupid. And usually, I’m fine with losing friends, its just part of life. But I don’t want to lose her. I’ve been losing sleep over this. Every time I think about her not being here, my palms get sweaty and there’s like a heavy weight on my chest. It sucks. 

Y/n has organized a movie night for us tonight. I think she can feel the tension too and I think its driving her just as mad. She always seems so unsure around me now, and despite how hard she tries, she is terrible at trying to hide it. 

I don’t really know what to do and I know you can’t reply unless you’re something from Harry Potter, but I just thought if I wrote it down, I might get some ideas. 

Spoilers...I didn’t. 

“Sweet Pea!” You’re yelling makes him jump and slam the book closed, despite you being nowhere near him. 

“Coming!” He replies, quickly scribbling the end of his stream of thoughts before closing the book again and throwing in under his bed. 

Gotta go...byeeeee

“Hey.” You’re already sat on the sofa by the time he leaves his room. The film is  set up, waiting for one of you to press play and two pizza’s are sat on the coffee table. 

He smiles as he sits down on the other end of the couch, remembering all the other movie nights you guys have had. He enjoyed the ones back home when it was all four of you. But some of his favourites have been with just you. The film is usually forgotten about half way through, and you just spend the rest of the night talking and laughing and playing stupid games, before falling asleep on top of each other at like 5am. 

But as he looks over at you, staring straight at the tv, his chest aches. Usually you would end up sitting as close to each other as possible, but now, you’re both sat as far away as you can be. 

He can’t remember the last time you laughed at something he said, or you told him a stupid story from work. It feels like you’re just two strangers living as roommates instead of two best friends. 

“Do you want me to press play?” You wonder and he nods. The opening titles play, casting the room in a soft glow and Sweet Pea watches you silently while shadows flicker across your face. “What?” You say suddenly, locking eyes with him. 

“I-er. Nothing.” He stumbles and you send him a look. 

“Okay.” You reply. You don’t believe him, but you give him the benefit of the doubt anyway, and start watching the film again. 

You really don’t know what you were expecting to get from this night but you have a feeling you’re not going to get it. Things have been awkward for over a month now. And its the worst. You feel a little lost without him to be honest. You used to spend all your time together, but now you can’t remember the last time you spent more than five minutes together without one of you making up some excuse to leave. 

You miss him, and you miss how you used to be and you have no idea how to get back to the point...if you can.

Its the first time in twenty years that you’ve actually seen a film all the way through. And its torture. The closing credits play, and you stretch before standing. 

“Do you want anything?” You look down and him but he just shrugs before unlocking his phone. 

“Hey, if you ever get lost in the middle of the woods with a creepy ghost lady trying to track you down and tear you limb from limb. I’d search forever for you and then I’d bring you home...possessed or not.” You stop on your way to the kitchen, a small smile appearing on your face as you see a flicker of how you used to be.

”Awww...you’re so sweet.” You smile sweetly at him and he feels a blush creep up his cheeks, although, he’s not really sure why. 

“I know.” He says smugly making you roll your eyes. 

Its silent. So very silent. 

What do people say to each other? 

How do you have a conversation?

“Well, goodnight.” You both say at the same time. You quickly shut your bedroom door behind you and Sweet Pea goes to his room. You slide down the door, your head falling into your hands while you squeeze your eyes shut. 

He does the same in his own room and both of you wonder the same thing 

what the hell happened? 

----

List of diary names: 

- Doris 

- Petunia 

- Harry 

- Louis

- Liam 

- Niall

- Z

Wait, hold on a minute somebody’s calling me. Who calls anymore? And why am I telling you this, you’re a diary? Whatever...oh shit, I’m gonna mis

“Hello?” He answers lazily, barely pulling his attention from the tv playing some cheesy sitcom. His notebook lies closed on his lap, and his fingers trace over the pattern as he waits for a reply. 

“Hello. Is this a, er...Sweet Pea?” A woman asks, there’s a hint of confusion in her tone and he rolls his eyes.

“Yep.” 

“Hi. This is Dr Floyd from the New York City Hospital. You’re listed as Y/n Y/l/n’s emergency contact.” He sits up quickly, almost dropping the phone and his eyes widen. The TV, his diary, the rest of the world is completely forgotten. 

“Is she okay?” He swears he can heart his heartbeat in his ears while he waits for a reply. 

The Dr takes far too long to respond. The few seconds seem to drag on for days while he waits to hear if you’re okay. Its already felt like you’re not around anymore, but what if you are really not going to be hear anymore.

He doesn’t even want to think about that, his chest tightening and he has to hold back a sob. 

“She has been brought in after a car collision. She was crossing the street when a car hit her. I just want-” 

“I’m on my way.” He’s already replied and hung up before she can finish her sentence, grabbing his keys and jacket before running out the front door. 

He doesn’t think he’s ever ran so fast or so far and by the time he makes it to the hospital, he’s sure he looks like he should be in one of the wards. But it doesn’t matter when he finds you. Your eyes are closed and you look so peaceful in your bed. 

The room is a bright white, with faded green furniture that hasn’t been updated since the 70′s are dotted across the room. A blanket covering your body, a green chair with an awful pattern by your bedside, green curtains that are more sun damage than fabric. 

“Shit? Are you dead.” He mumbles, more to himself than to you as he cautiously walks through the door. 

“Nah, just lying down. Whats up?” You ask, opening an eye to look at him. 

“Whats up? Seriously I have just ran to the hospital because I got a call saying you’d been hit by a car. And you ask me whats up?” He huffs, sitting in the chair.  

“Yeah...so whats up?” 

“Nothing much.” He shrugs before realizing where he is again. “Actually a lot is up. You’re body in the air is whats up from what I heard.” 

“You are so dramatic. You always have been. Its just a mild concussion and a few cuts and bruises. I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure.” He looks you up and down, his eyes scanning every part of you, looking out for something the doctors might of missed. When he’s sure you’re okay, he lets his gaze rest on your scratched and bruised face and he lets out a deep sigh. 

Despite the bruises blooming on your cheeks, you still look as pretty as usual and his eyes widen as that thought dawns on him.

“What? Are you okay?” You ask, now worried as you try and sit up, but he’s quickly pushing you back down. 

“I er. I’m fine.” He stutters. “I think I just realized something.” He admits, a deep blush spreading across his cheeks while he looks at the scratchy blanket covering you...shit. 

“Pea?” You ask, your voice quiet. He’s never heard you so unsure of something before. Almost like you’re scared to know the answer to your question. “Are we okay now?” 

“What do you mean?” He forces the words out. He knows exactly what you mean. But now he thinks he’s figured out what’s been wrong the whole time. You may have been scared to hear the answer to your question, but he is absolutely terrified to answer it himself. 

Its been so obvious but he’s been so oblivious. Toni and Fangs were right. Or at least half right. He’s in love with you. And that makes his heart race, but for good or bad reasons, he doesn’t know. 

“Its just. When I saw that car I thought I was going to die. And I remembered us and how we aren’t as close as we were and I realized, that if I was going to die, my biggest regret would be not making things with us right again. I don’t know whats happened over these past few months that have made us not know how to act like human beings around each other. But I know I want it to stop. I miss you Pea. And I don’t ever want to feel that alone ever again...in my bedroom or by the side of the road.” You admit, your eyes trained on the blanket while your fingers play with the frayed edges. 

He slumps in the chair, letting out a long breath while your words settle in. 

“Did you really think you were going to die?” He asks after a few seconds and you look at him surprised. 

“Yeah. One minute I’m crossing an empty road and then all I heard was a high pitched screech and then this car was coming towards me.” You say shakily and he grabs your hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “The thing is though. For a spilt second I made eye contact withe the driver and she looked almost as scared as I did.” You laugh humorously and he sends you a sympathetic smile. “When I was lying on the pavement. I was looking up at everyone panicking around me, and all I thought about was you and how you weren’t there. And how if I died, I never would have got to say goo-” You’re cut off by your own sobs and he quickly wraps his arms around you. His chin resting on your head while he cries his own silent tears. 

“Its okay.” He whispers. “You’re okay now. We’re okay.” 

“I’m glad.” You give him a teary smile once he lets go, and you notice him wiping his own tears away. You grab his hand again and squeeze it reassuringly. The gesture makes his cheeks heat up a little and he has to look away for a little bit until they go back to normal. “Hey.” You start, wanting to distract the two of you. “How many cars do you think you could take on?” 

“Me?” He raises an eyebrow. “A solid ten. If not more. And I’d fight any that tried to get to you too.” 

“You’re so sweet.” You giggle. 

“I know.” He smirks. 

“I keep meaning to ask, how’s your diary going? Have you doodled your crushes name in hearts yet?” You tease making him roll his eyes. 

“Shut up.” He mumbles. 

“Hmm...nah.”

“Its going good. I’m kinda worried though.” 

“About?” You wonder. 

“What if I’m too good at expressing my emotions.” He asks seriously and you have to stifle a laugh. 

“How can you be too good at that?” 

“I could just constantly tell people what I’m feeling. Or, I could use really big, fancy words to emote...see, I did it then. And then I just come off as pretentious.” He rambles and it takes everything in your power to keep a straight face.

“Yeah, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”  

“Oh yeah? Try this.” He clears his throat. “Y/n. I’d crawl across this world for you.” He tries to say it seriously, but the two of you end up laughing loudly, and he thinks to himself that maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe he can keep being your friend, even if he is in love with you. Plus, he’d rather keep being your friend and just admire you afar, than lose you forever. “I’m in love with you.” He blurts out and his eyes widen. 

“What?” You look at him, your expression mirroring his and he quickly starts backtracking. 

“I mean. I love you as a friend. I’m not in love with you. That would be ridiculous. Sorry.” 

“Is that why everything has been so weird between us?” You ask and he nods slowly. 

“I think so. But I’ve only just actually realized like ten minutes ago.” 

“Thats okay.” You laugh. “I only realized when I was lying on the ground wishing to see your face.” 

“You mean...you love me too?” 

“I think so.” You nod. “Although, it could just be the concussion.” You shrug and he punches your arm lightly. 

“I’ll take take.” He smiles. “So, when you’re feeling better, do you want to have a movie and pizza night, but like, as a date?” 

“I’d love to.” You beam, and press a soft kiss to his cheek. 

“Hey Y/n?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I have so much to write in Harry!” 

“Who the hell is Harry?” 

“...my diary.” 

“...okay?”

[la5t-res0rt]

i was just sent a post from the blog who must not be named it was a post reblogged from someone who ive added to my list of really bad people but one of the things that struck me was a tag i saw in the post

antis seek therapy

we do

we do seek therapy often to combat the trauma some of us have endured through being groomed and being abused we spend time on ourselves to heal we find ways to cope and enjoy life again after it feels like parts of ourselves have been ripped from us and broken and tainted and violated

we work to be comfortable again we work to feel like ourselves again we find things we love again we allow ourselves to enjoy media again

we are taught to stand up for our own levels of comfort and to take control of the space around us we are taught mechanisms to move forward and we are encouraged to help others and support others at least thats what my therapist of multiple decades told me

we all seek shelter in our own ways and many people seek it in media its literally what so many beetlebabes shippers claim to be doing like they’re quote reclaiming some lost childhood thing unquote and yeah i think youre going about it in a terrible way that continues the cycle of pedophila and is normalizing it but thats not even what this is about right now this is about the blatant disrespect and inability to open your eyes to someone elses experience and story

so many antis are so uncomfortable with the content created by beetlebabe shippers myself included since its so similar to the material used to character veil up abuse me character veil down

we try to curate our spaces for that we say beetlebabes dni dont reblog dont put yourself in this space im making for myself but then people come in and call it gatekeeping and try to illustrate how someone is a bad person for not wanting exposure so pedophilic content like its absolutely baffling to me that people can state such a clear and simple rule and then people will whine and moan about it as if its oppression newsflash its not fucking oppression you whining slime mold being asked to not interact on the ground of pedophilia isnt fucking oppression read a book go outside and learn something anyway

people are entitled to have control over the space in which they occupy people have the control to remove people from their spaces its like ok weird metaphor but this whole ordeal with wearing masks in public spaces yes you may have the right to refuse to wear a mask and you have the right technically to harass service industry workers but the businesses that employ these workers also have the full right to not allow you in and to even remove you from the property free speech also comes with consequences this is such a simple principle like talk shit get hit metaphorically is basically the same principle

coming into someones space after they specified that that your content is something that makes them uncomfortable makes you a major asshole and also makes me think youre dumb and maybe cant read

all of that is bad enough

but to continuously berate someone and belittle their very real trauma all in the sake of you wanting to ship and post pedophilia is simply abhorrent it is truly vile behavior to come back multiple times is truly a disdainful act in my eyes and im sure im not the first person to feel this way

if youre close to people in the field of psychiatric medicine you should know better than to belittle someones trauma and as a csa survivor yourself you should have the compassion to respect someones boundaries

have you discussed this behavior with this psychiatrist husband of yours not the pedophilic stuff but this blatant disrespect and dismissal of someone elses trauma and the growth theyve achieved thanks to their therapy and counseling have you addressed this narcissistic holier than thou approach you have to discussing such serious issues with people because thats something that should be addressed along with your acceptance and tolerance and even romanticization of pedophilia in media

this is harassment and gaslighting in action folks nether receipts I hope youre taking notes because you clearly dont know what either term means and the fact that youve gone out of your way to promote this abusive behavior is yet another reason why people dislike you i can’t tag you because youve finally taken the hint and blocked me so I see no point but you know who you are also people don’t hate you because youre a woman they hate you because youre a pedophile anyway this isnt about you

back to the person im actually addressing

trauma is not an experience that is easy to read and apply to every person you yourself sourced years of trying to deal with what you went through who are you to dictate how long someone can feel pain for what theyve gone through who are you exactly to say whether or not if has been too long of a time for someones trauma to effect them you of all people should know that this shit doesnt go away it lingers and it grips you forever it doesnt matter if you’ve been apart from it for ten days or ten years

in one sentence you belittled a person for still being effected by their trauma and then in the next stated that the battle is life long which is it which statement do you actually beleive because it seems to me you only seem to care about your own horrible self without taking this other person into account at all because their response to their trauma was to break the cycle and work to make his space safer for himself and i beleive that takes more courage and more strength to actively oppose what hurt you rather than let it become how you cope and it becomes something you reintroduce into the cycle by keeping the its all okay attitude alive

i do not usually do direct posts its not exactly my style but i am so disgusted by what i have seen and what has been shared with me that it would be a disservice to not alert as many people as i can about your behavior

for a closing statement i will quote you

quote i hope you find your way to it instead of wasting all of your time being afraid of pictures and words on a screen, and picking fights with people who harm nobody unquote

what the fuck so you think youre doing by coming back over and over to belittle trauma denounce treatment and all around be unpleasant and high and mighty thats fucking harming people you narcissistic fool

im sorry you were hurt that fucking sucks but that doesnt give your the right for one fucking second to come into someones space where it was specified that you were not allowed and proceed to harass them and belittle them like you have done

@soeur-tiame you should be ashamed of yourself

dont bother responding as ive shown before with that transmed guy i dont like to waste any more of my time on filth than i need to

[savnofilter]

hey guys, i just wanted to speak up about something because i have been getting questions if i was well and stuff and im not really sure these days. mainly because i have become uncomfortable on this blog.

and i beg that people who dont like me, please do not spread things about me please or this because i thought i owe this to my followers.

the reason as to why i feel uncomfortable is because it really dawned upon me that being here doesnt make me happy anymore. and you could see in how flat my writing has become, or how my behavior often changes from happy to sad/low in a quick second.

and since after the summer, being on here has been almost terrible for me. like i use to have many friends, many people i talked to or felt like i created a bond with a lifetime, just kind of up and left me in the dust. while i finally took the time to focus on me for once, they used it against me, they got mad at me and its just hard to keep quiet about since it has always been my goal to talk about my feelings and now i dont think i can anymore, as to why im writing this to you guys tonight..

i will not get into depth (or specific) about it because i feel like the more i try to explain myself, the more twisted it becomes. and instead of helping me, it hurts me.

over the few months, i found when i was taking breaks to be happier. 

and its not the thought of you guys, it was more of like the lingering feeling of the way i was treated by people lingering on my blog. and im afraid if i feel like this still holds truth, i will be leaving this blog sooner or later.

in truth, i feel like ive been mistreated or even to the point where my feelings were so construed that it felt like i have been gaslighted over and over and over again. and honestly i am not as mentally or emotionally mature as many people on here, and some of them know that but it was never regarded.

im sad that this experience has come to this, because i really loved interacting, interacting with everyone and sharing my stories, but with the bad experiences on here has even turned my love/passion for writing down -- and even watching anime. i feel reminded every time i see certain blogs all over my feed, or like “hey im safe with these group of people” then they would pop up again. i felt like im some sort of villain or like an unintelligent-idiot who cant think for themselves. and while people who brainlessly follow those people can blindly hate me is fine, because i will never change who i am for anyone. ever. and i hate having to make posts like these because i feel bad for being so angsty and not being the sav that you guys know because while the brand “savnofilter” or “sav” is an extension of me, i sometimes feel so detached because of how shut out ive fell in this fandom for like 5 months now.

and i sincerely apologize to any new followers, i use to not be this down all the time but it really has been brought to my attention that the only social media that has heightened my anxiety, my depression, and even a part of illnesses i thought went away has resurfaced all because of what has happened associated to this blog.

whether it be being shut out and begging for help from the people i thought would be friends, or that i was kicked to the curve simply because i was not in the right state of mind and basically told me it was my fault for being that way.

and when it was fun, when i had friends it never felt like a chore for me on here. but as i lose support like that, it just hurts even though i have someone who stays beside me all the time. once you lose that, that, ground you start to compare yourself, like normal human nature i think. i started too look at my blog and be like “why arent i getting as much as before, what am i doing wrong, what is so bad about my stuff thats good with theres”. and part of the factor was that its odd, because it wasnt even a place of jealousy. it was one of, how did i fall to be so unimportant? so... immaterial. and it was like, each writer i fell out with, everyone just followed them and im left here trying my best to fill in their spots because i missed having that friend group, or friends with me. the only who really cared for me even with the biggest arguments and hoenstly it was because they were the only the one that cared for me. and i am not trying to cause discourse so please do not contact other people about this.

and as much as i stay at this point to irk the people who want me gone, i feel like the subtle unintentional (or intentional) bad vibes being brought to me is choking me up. and its doing well.

it just, it was so odd being treated like actual shit. like dog dooky shit. like if i was the poop on the sidewalk that you walk around and wonder who fucking took that massive shit, shit. and i was afraid to speak up about it because i was afraid of the backlash id get for having fucking feelings. 

from someone who went through some shit when i was younger, and built this barrier, to being repeatedly told over and over again that my feelings are invalid, to have people to tell me “i wont do that too you” and then do it to me just made me grow as a person. or die as a person. im not sure yet.

not only was it a mixture of people leaving me for shitty reasons, it was how stupid this fandom got. yeah, stupid. completely idiotic. of course there are people who sense-ful(?) and i love you a lot for it. but like ive said before, its unfair, there is no love like there use to be. people arent how they use to be. people put on a show, but once behind close doors its completely different. and if youre thinking of anyone in specific, youve got some shit to reevaluate. 

i was so scared to talk about it before because i was so scared at the backlash id get because i was so tired for being the hurt one and being called the bad guy. and im not blind to me being a bitch, but when i feel like ive done something im upfront about it. im rambling but this happens when i finally let my thoughts out.

and if ive been truthful, ive fallen out of my routine with meeting up with my therapist which may one of the reasons i let it run on this long without really getting a clear conscience. and like ive said before, i had thought it had to do with my life but honestly the only grief i get is being on here. 

to be honest, i have projects and requests i really want to complete before i even leave. so maybe its a while before i leave, maybe if it gets too much i’ll just go. i do not know. but 2020 is the year i finally want to take my own health over everyone else before i did before. and even with how hurt i am, i still hold so much love for these people. so much. but ive always been too loyal.

i am sorry for this sorrowful note, but i do not know how much longer i will stay. i love you all, have a blessed night.

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

[weirdatlastahaha]

Venting because my therapist said it would be good to get it out

my mother is in a bad mood again, since yesterday. i guess I understand because I'm a shit child but it's two pm and I havent even gotten out of bed because i'm too scared to face her. I'm legit petrified, even the idea of seeing her makes me want to vomit. shes not a bad mother and I dont know why i always react this way, and why her opinion of me matters so damn much. i didnt do this because she would be dissappointed in me and i did that so she wouldnt get mad.

my therapist told me shes proud of me and i didnt know how to respond because i cannot remember a time anyones ever said that to me. I want someone to be proud of me and love me but i cannot ask for it because then they would be forced to say those things to me. I want them to do it because they want to and really think so.

my boyfriend likes making compliments and keeps saying that he loves me and that scares me so much because I cant say it back, cant even make compliments. At this point I'm not even sure I like him all that much, I never loved him and was just interested in him and it seems it's never gotten further than that. I'm so scared to hurt him. I dont even know what i want.

why do i care so much about the opinions of other people about me? i cant even go to the store alone because im scared ill do something that will make someone judge me or dislike me. i cannot ever say no to anything because what would they think of me? im not perfect and i pretend to be but everything is coming undone around me.

everything is fucked up. it's either all amazing or all absolutely shit. I want to hurt myself and scream my throat raw and scratch at my arms until I fall apart and it's not even about being hurt, I just want to. it's not like i need a reason to do so. why am i like this?

i still think about her, my best friend. i thought we would always stay together, helped each other through such bad times. I skipped school for two weeks and brought her ice cream every day when she was at her lowest, and I could always come to her. was i too clingy? why did you leave? i get you had to move to another city and i get you dont want to hear from me every day but you never answered my texts and i was always so scared to lose you and at the end i did??? and youre gone now, I miss you so damn much. I wish I was back in 8th grade when everything was okay between us.

why am I crying again? it seems i can only cry when talking about you. no matter what happens I cannot cry. I get angry a lot and overreact because thats the strongest emotion I feel. I'm empty everyday, emotions dont really exist. the strongest is this goddamn rage that makes me want to destroy my body so nothing remains.

i want to be a ghost of some sort. observing but not interacting. mayne with animals or kids. like an imaginary friend. i dont want to be percieved anymore. im so tired.

well vent over for now. sorry if you read all that.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Darkness caving in *A look into ARTHUR FLECKs journal

I wrote something darker today. Its a short story which contains Arthurs writing.

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts & attent ,mental illness

Arthur was sitting at the table in the corner of his dark apartment. The smoke of his half gone cigarette filled the dark room. Only the dim blue lights from the kitchen made it possible to see something.

Arthur inhaled the smoke as he turned the desk light on.

Almost empty bottles of serveral different medication lying between an ashtray and his wrecked journal.

He was topless, in his pj pants and started to get cold. But he didnt had the time to get a shirt. There was no time to waste.

He had to get all of these thoughts out of himself. On the paper. Maybe then they would leave him at peace. At least for the rest of the night.

His therapist recommented it to him. Writing a journal. So he did. He wasnt sure if it helped in any way but it was easier tokeep all his jokes together this way, so he kinda started to appriciate it.

Dr Kane never really read the words he had written. She told him she would but her eyes always skipped the most important parts. She just looked over it. No real interest.

Althought the content of his diary was pretty personal, he wished someone would read it. Not only skipping though the pages.

The thought of someone paying attention to his words made made him feel warm inside. He wanted to be heard. he wanted to be listened to. Even if some of the stuff would be truly embarrassing. It would be worth it.

He was always alone with his thoughts. So alone that it felt like his own mind was attacking him sometimes. It just wouldnt leave him alone.

Every night, when he was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, darkness was caving in, coming closer. Smothering him. Not only the darkness of the room. But the darkness inside of him. It grew within him like a creature of its own. Like something he lost control over it. Day by day.

The seven different medications he took should keep the darkness from taking him in compleately. But he wasnt sure for how long this would work out anymore.

Last night he felt hands all over him.

Not hands of a beautiful girl, like he wished for.

Shapeless hands, darkness itself.

It made him shiver under his blankets and he closed his eyes and tried to imagin something that would bring him back to a better state of mind.

Your hands.

Soft and warm.

The hands of the girl that just moved in across the street.

He could see though your window when he stood behind the curtains in his kitchen.

He watched you serveral times now. When you changed your clothes. You were so beautiful. He thought about you a lot when he felt the hole in his lonely heart.

It was your hands he imagined as he shivered at night.

He has never been touched by loving hands before.

Never been hugged by anyone exept his mother.

All he ever wished for was someone to hold him at night.

Someone to keep the shapeless , grabbing hands of darkness away from his fragile body.

And your hands seemed just right for it.

He saw them when you opened and closed the window.

But deep down he knew it was only a dream to feel them across his face.

To feel them in his hair, after you kissed passionately.

It was only daydreams. Hallucinations, visions even like Dr Kane claimed.

Arthur put the cigatette down in the ashtray and started writing:

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling that has been growing inside of me over the years. I can feel it every day. Its sitting right there on my shoulders when I take a walk outside. Its is sitting beside me when I am on the subway. Its watching me with his ugly eyes when I make dinner for my mum. Its always there,its arms tight around my feet, kicking and screaming for me to give in.

It wants me to give in. I just know it. Any maybe I should.

But then I start hearing other voices again.

Soft whispers of a girl, her breath hot against my ear. She tells me she loves me and convinces me that everything is going to be okay.

I know she isnt real but it still holds me back from doing what I should.

I mean...she is real actually. She lives across my street but she has not noticed me yet. I guess she never will. No one ever does. Not even my mother. She just keeps on talking about Thomas Wayne, thats all she seemed to be interested in. But she is in a bad condition and I guess its okay. I don`t wanna be another burden she has to carry. I guess she would be better off without me. Another reason why I should quit.

I should be used of being lonely. But its something I never get used to. It gets harder every day actually. It gets harder with age. I turn 36 soon and I feel even more miserable than ever before. I should end it. I should really end it all.

Lets be honest. The girl across my street will never even look me in the eyes. She might see me leaving the house some day, but she will just walk on by, like I wasnt even there.

Would she walk over me if I would lie there on the sidewalk?

No I guess she wouldnt. She looks very nice and caring.

Maybe she would help me get back up if I was lucky.

But thats it.

The touch of her hand helping me up would be the only chance to ever feel her soft skin on mine.

Maybe I should go out and threw myself on the street.

Hoping that she will see me from her window, before I will get hit by a tuck.

Or even better. maybe I should get hit by a fucking truck and she will see the bloody mess when she is about to go out to buy some food.

She would see me lying there and would get to me in a hurry.Trying to wake me. It would be too late but I guess she would shed a tear over me.

I know she doesnt even know who I am but she looks like someone who would shed a tear over a dead stranger, lying in front of her house.

And her empathy , her salty  tear falling upon my bloody forehead would be worth it.

Anyway.... yesterday I couldnt even distrakt myself by daydreaming about her.

So I wanted to give it a tray and made myself a hot bath.

I waited till Penny was asleep.

I even checked twice if she was.

I mixed her dinner with some of my sleeping pills, to make sure she won`t wake up and use the bathroom while I was trying to kill myself.

I couldnt handle the thought of her seeing this.

It would look like I am asleep when she finds me in the morning, so this should be okay.

I didnt wanted to break her heart but as I said, she is better off without me. Everyone is.

I can`t connect to other people. I tried it all my life but it just won`t happen.

I try to make them laugh, tell them jokes, bring them flowers,...

But it never works.

So why try over and over again?

I am just sick of this.

And a bathtub full of hot water would do its duty.

So... I tip toed to the bathroom, shut the door quietly and got rid of my clothes.

A last look into the mirror.

My skinny  body is starting to freeze. The room is cold.

My ribs are popping out where my skin is bruised all over.

They kicked the shit out of me a week ago.

The good thing is... it won`t happen again.

My fingers wandered across my hollow belly.

I havent eaten for days.

I looked fragile.

How could the girl ever love a man looking like this?

I bet she gets laid with some kind of buff guy, with stong arms.

Its hard to look at my own reflection.

Green eyes starred back at me.

Kinda intense.

I expected them to look empty.

They didn`t.

The look I gave myself scared me in a way.

Like my very own eyes are asked me what the fuck am I doing here.

That I shoud turn off the water and get back to sleep.

But sleep would not happen.

Only shapeless , cold hands again.

Black shadowns against my pale skin.

The only sleep I could ever find is right there...

I looked at the bathtub, which I could also see in the mirror. It was almost filled now.

It was time.

The last look I dedicated to the scar on my upper lip.

My cheekbones.

My brown, sweaty hair.

Bye Arthur Fleck.

I turned around and  put my right foot into the water. It was painfully hot.

Pain is good. I wanted to feel something.

The left foot followed, so as the rest of my bony body.

I layed down.

The hot water like an embrace.

The warm embrace I never experienced with another person.

With the girl I love.

It felt like a thousand hands loving me all at once.

"Love me" I whispered into the dark bathroom.

I took a close look at my own hands.

I think I never looked at them closely before.

They were destined to touch someones body.

To hold someones face between them. Gently. While kissing the one that lets me love her.

But i just couldnt make it happen.

I`m a freaking looner.

Nothing more than that.

A freak maybe. First of all a freak.

A silent whimper escaped my lips right before I let my head sunk under the water.

The feeling of being under water gave me comfort.

Even more comfort than crawling into the fridge.

Its like being locked up.

The outside world cant hurt you anymore.

Thats why I actually liked being at Arkham.

A cage can be comforting.

But you don`t need a cage anymore, after you left your body.

I would be free soon.

I felt the urge to get up.

Now comes the hardest part I thought.

I felt the pressure in my lungs.

But I would`t get up.

I wanted it to end.

My ears shut. So as the voices in my head. It became quiet now.

So quiet.

Is this what peace feels like?

My chest started to hurt

And as the burning sets in I heard her voice calling me.

"Arthur, come back!"

No, I wont listen to another hallucination again.

"Arthur, please! I need you to notice me"

I know how it feels like to remain unnoticed.

Bubbles coming out of my mouth.

"What if I could actually love you, Artie? What if I would hold you in my arms forever and I can`t cuz you had to kill yourself first?"

Sounds convincing. I had to admit.

"What if I was just as lonely as you and we are meant for each other?"

What if actually?

The burning gets worse. My lungs feel like they are about to burst.

More bubbles.

I open my eyes underwater.

And there she was.

I saw her beautiful shape standing in fron of the bathtub. Her arms streched out for me.

My vision was blurry but I still saw that she looked WORRIED.

Because of me.

I could tell she was about to cry.

The tear came into my mind.

The tear falling upon my bloody forehead.

The one I couldnt  have felt anymore.

Whats the point of a tear you cant feel anymore?

The point of being loved when you never knew you were loved?

What if there is the slightest chance that someone sees me?

I felt her arms grabbing me, lifting my tiney body out of the bathtub.

I was gasping for air, coughing.

Her face above me as I lay on the cold floor.

"You`re cold,Arthur" she smiled in the cutest way and covered my shaking body with a bathrobe, stroking my wet hair out of my face.

"You`re beautiful" I whispered with shaking lips.

"So as you, Arthur. I`m glad you?re back!"

"You are?"

Silence.

Black out.

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor.

No bathrobe to protect me from the cold.

The bathtub still full of water.

I felt weak while I stood up. My skinny legs unstable.

Then I started to remember it again.

I wanted to end me.

But there was this girl.... the girl from across the street.

She...

I guess it was just another vision i had.

I put my underwear  and PJ pants back on, walking into the kitchen, made some coffee. Light a cigarette and watched out the window.

Same old world.

But then... the girl just left the house.

I dont know why but I headed out of the house in a sec, still in my PJ.

I stood across the street and watched her.

She looked like an angel.

So soft and beautiful.

There was something about her smile.

"Sir?" my heart skipped a beat as I realized she was looking at me.

"Sir, can I ask you something?" she walked towards me, bright eyes.

"Y....yes sure?!" I mumbled.

"I dont know if you are aware but I just moved in some weeks ago and I dont know anyone here in the neighborhood..." she seemed kinda shy, which i really liked.

"I dont usually do this... its kinda embarrassing" she laughed.

"No...no...its okay... what is it?"

"Well... I was watching you for quite a time now...." she was looking at the ground, then back into my eyes  "And... well... I´d love to get to know you better. I was dreaming about you yesterday.... oh god I shouldnt have said that.... I am so sorry.... but I couldnt get you out of my mind ever since." she blushed.

"Are you....serious?"

She smiled "Yeeahhh. Oh yes I am. I just wondered if you would go out on a date with me. there I said it"

She offered me her hand  "I am Y/N"

"I`m Arthur"

I touched her hand.

Her hand !

Skin on skin.

I felt a tear running down my cheek.

A tear I could still feel.

Just like her hand.

"Arthur? Are you crying?"

I sqeezed her hand and felt happiness for the first time in my life.

"Oh Y/N .... Don´t you worry about that!"

THE END

[alaina-achilles]

i

((practice challenge - all prompts included here:))

Dreams.

Dreams are a funny thing, right? As a kid, you have so many dreams, I’m gonna be this when I grow up, I’m gonna wear this when this happens…

But how many do those actually happen?

I always feel like I dream differently than other people. Well, not all dreams, but some particular ones. And when I have a dream that I feel so strongly about (usually they are things that I actually dreamed about during my sleep), I write it down, in my dreams notebook. And well, there were so many of them.

Okay, I’m getting distracted again. So, right now, I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom, screaming.

Because I have just graduated from college and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with. My. life!!

“Alaina?” Mila, my younger sister asks as she runs into my room and jumps onto my bed. “What happened? Who broke up?”

“The prince and Evie.” Another voice says and we both turn around to face our older sister.

“That’s old news, Lexi.” Mila drawls. “The Selection’s here already. Remind me again why aren’t you guys applying?”

Lexi rolls her eyes and pushes Mila to make space for herself on my bed.

“Well, back to the drama queen here. What happened?” Lexi asks, looking at me in confusion. Mila follows her gaze before they drop to the sheets of paper on my desk.

“What are those?” Mila asks in curiosity. She makes a move to take one of them, but I beat her to it by shoving them all into a messy pile.

“That.” I say as I shove them into a folder and slip it in between two books. “Is private.”

Well, they are actually job applications. I got a bit impulsive just now and flipped through my notebook of dreams, randomly selecting a few dreams, printed out the job application forms and filled them in.

“It’s not important.” I add as I see my sisters looking at me with narrowed eyes. “They were just weird random stuff that I did which I should’ve never done and I will throw them away tomorrow afternoon.”

“You can always be a teacher.” Lexi comments, knowing what I’m stressing about. “Mom likes her job a lot.”

“But I’m not Mom.” I point out as I flop onto the bed next to them. “I mean I love kids, but I just… I just can’t see myself being a teacher. Nor a lawyer like you.”

“I’m gonna be a psychologist. A therapist. A something related to psychology.” Mila replies happily. Sometimes I wish I was 13 as well. She turns around to face me. “And as a future psychologist, I think you should give writer another try. I mean you have published a book!!”

“But it’s not a best-seller. It’s only popular because it’s about a cliche bad boy story that many teenage girls like reading about.”

“That’s not true. I think there’s a lot of potential in your writing. You just need to have inspiration, write a good book and be famous.” Mila finishes with a smile.

“I think Mila’s got a point there. Just give it a go. One year. And if you aren’t writing a best-selling novel at the end of the year, just become a psychologist like Mila will be. You have the bachelor degree.” Lexi points out. I think about what my sisters said and decide they are right.

I’m gonna give writing another try.

----

“ALAINA LEXI MOM DAD COME NOW!” I hear Mila screaming from the bottom of the stairs. I put down my book in annoyance and go downstairs.

“What is it, honey?” Mom asks.

“THEY’RE GONNA ANNOUNCE THE SELECTION RESULTS!!!” Mila all but screams.

“Oooooh!” I cry. “I do wanna watch this! Dramaaa” I sing.

“I don’t know why you two are so excited for this! It’s not like any of us entered our name.” Lexi drawls, but sits down next to us on the couch while our parents sit down as well with an amused smile.

“I know many girls who did. I would like to see who’s gonna be on the tv screen for the next few months.” I explain, without looking away from the tv screen. The TV zooms to a closed up of the Prince who has a relaxed smile on his face that does not really reach his eyes. I don’t blame the guy though, it must be rough for him to jump from a supposedly stable relationship to well, 35 girls. Definitely glad I’m not the prince.

“Maybe it’ll be Delilah. She’s pretty and nice.” I comment.

“Or Faye. She’ll be quite the drama queen.” Lexi says.

“SHUSH!” Mila hisses. Lexi and I roll our eyes at each other and turn back to the screen.

“Miss Alaina Achilles of Atlin, Three.” The reporter announces.

Alain-

WAIT WHAT??

I vaguely hear my family screaming and questioning me, but I can’t hear anything except my heartbeat as I run into my room to check the folder that I meant to throw away a few afternoons ago but forgot.

It’s gone.

And then I scream.

Because, one of my dreams I made when I was six was to be in the Selection, to be a princess. And I thought it’d be fun to fill in the application a few days ago. BUT I NEVER MEANT TO SEND IT.

Then my eyes widen as I realize what must have happened.

“CAMILA DAISY ADRIANNA ACHILLES. I’M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH!” I yell as I run downstairs to kill my younger sister.

----

Four hours later. I’ve finally stopped screaming and attempting to murder my sister.

“How did you even do that, Mil? I thought you had to have your photo taken and everything?” Dad asks.

“Um… I kinda wrote a letter saying that Alaina isn’t feeling well and can’t make it to the applications and sent in a photo instead.” Mila explains in a small voice. “I swear I didn’t know they would allow that…”

“Wait…” I say suddenly. “If you sent out my application. SHIT MILA DID YOU SEND OUT ALL OF THOSE APPLICATIONS I FILLED OUT?”

“Language!” Mom cries but we all ignore her. It’s not like I ever swear anyways.

“Yeah… All six of them.” Mila admits in a quiet voice.

“AND THIS GETS EVEN BETTER!” I yell, throwing my arms into the air. “Do you know what those applications are? As an elf writing letters back to children for Santa Claus, and… and.. And… I don’t even want to rename the applications i filled out for. They were all crazy.” I mumble to myself. “Maybe the Selection is already the least craziest one.”

“See?” Mila says gleefully.

“Oh shut up, you little- I can’t even find any words to describe you. I’m not talking to you.” I yell in anger. With that I storm up the stairs into my room.

Oh no.

What has my little sister got me into?

----

By the time I am to leave Atlin, I am feeling slightly better about this whole thing. Thanks to Lexi and Dad. They convinced me that this will be a nice and unique experience and a change of scenery will probably give me more inspiration for my writing. And I finally get to be on a plane! I’ve never been on the plane before, not because we can’t afford it, but Mom has an extreme fear of flights. We usually went travelling in other means of transport.

My heart is pounding in my ears as I climb the stairs up to the plane. This is it. I’m going to be on a plane!

"Sorry if I'm bothering you, but I'm Sara Nguyen. I hope we can be plane buddies? And who knows maybe a permanent bud for the rest of the selection?" A voice says, interrupting my thoughts. I look up to see a girl smiling at me. She motions at my luggage. "Would you like a hand?"

My eyes widen as I realize she must be another selected. Wow, this is really happening, I’m really in the Selection. I quickly collect my thoughts and straighten my clothes to make sure it’s tidy. My parents have always taught us to be clean and tidy, especially in front of strangers.

“hi Sara! I’m Alaina Achilles! Sure I would love to!” I say to Sara with a bright smile. “and thanks for offering, but I think I got this!” I place the luggage to its place and sit down next to the empty spot next to Sara. I look at the two girls opposite to us, one is falling asleep and the other barely acknowledges us. Well, I guess not every Selected is nice. So I turn to Sara instead, she seems nice. “Have you ever been on a plane before?”

She tells me about the times she’s travelled and when she learns that this is my first time, she surprises me again by offering her hand for me to squeeze.

“I-“ l begin as I look at Sara’s hand hesitantly. “I mean thats very nice of you bu-“ the plane starts to move and my eyes start to widen and immediately reach forward to squeeze Sara’s hand. She is nice enough to pretend not to see my hesitation and just let me hold her hand while she talks me through the take off. I like this girl. I decide.

“Thanks. But you’re right, I’m glad I got on this plane! At least now I have a new friend?” I ask. I have never been alone without at least one of my sisters with me before and I know I will miss them very much.

"Just holler my name and I'll be there for anything. I've got tips for most things. If not I'll create one on the spot." Sara answers with a nod. I do a happy dance internally. "I think we are indeed friends. After all it would be rather awkward if two strangers held hands. Either way I'm glad we both get to be on the same flight." She proceeds to tell me about her favorite things about being on a plane and I look out the window and agree with her. The view is amazing! We chat more about the flying experience and being the writer I was, I tell her how lovely it’ll be to be able to write about this experience. My new friend immediately offers me her notebook, but I once again decline politely. I know once I start writing, I’ll ignore everything around me and I don’t want to do this to Sara and miss the opportunity to get to know her. So I just tell her that I’ll do it later and enjoy the moment now.

Sara asks me if I’ve ever written anything that she might’ve read. I hesitate as I thought of my published book. A few years ago, at 16, I wrote a cliche bad boy story named “the Bad Boy Ruined my Project” and published it online. Because it’s cliche and about bad boys, teenage girls immediately took a liking to it and two years later, I got a publishing offer. I was ecstatic and accepted it. Ever since then, my agent has been pushing me to write a new book. And that’s when it became complicated. I was 16 when I wrote that cliche book and at 18, I’ve matured and changed and honestly, my book wasn’t that well-written, it just suited the taste of what teenage girls wanted to read. I’ve tried telling this to my agent and she kept telling me that was bullshit and if I wanted to be a famous writer, I had to please my readers. This is one of the reasons why I decided to start thinking of pursuing another character. I want to write things that I want to write, not just things people want me to write about.

But at the end of the day, I am grateful for my book and its success. At least it got me noticed.

So I tell her about my published book and she tells me about her career. Sara is to take over her dad’s company. Sensing this isn’t her favorite topic to talk about, I change the topic and ask her about siblings.

We quickly get into a fun conversation about siblings and I can already tell we’re going to be the best of friends in the Selection. Hopefully.

And for a while, I feel like I’m home again as we laugh and joke about the Selection. About how dramatic it will be with 35 girls under the same roof, going after the prince. About how weird it will be to have a brother joining the selection! (Sara said her brother almost joined HAHA). We are enjoying our conversation so much that I don’t even notice we have landed.

"We're here," Sara breathes out as we both look out the window. I smile as I take in the surroundings around me. I’ve been here before during a long road trip, but the airport is totally new to me.

“It’s beautiful!” I exclaim. Then, I turn to face Sara and put out a pinky. “Okay before we get off, let’s make a pact. Let’s promise to let this selection ruin our budding friendship.”

"It honestly is. Last time I came here I was 13 years old." Sara replies with a shake of her head. She  looks at me and smiles as she sticks her pinky out and links it with mine. "I promise that this selection will not ruin our friendship. You know you can call me by any nickname. I prefer them rather than Sara. My family call me bun."

And she manages to surprise me for the third time. Wow, a nickname. I can tell it’s not something she goes around letting people use.

I laugh and give her a hug. “Bun.” I say. “I love that. it’s so cute and so you!” We break away when one of the other girls clears her throat and tell us it’s time to go. I smile embarrassingly and roll my eyes at my new friend as we begin our journey to the palace. And because of Sara, I already feel a hundred times better about the selection. If all goes wrong, I know at least there will be one genuine friend who will go through all of this with me together.

"This is reserved for you. It's strange if someone else calls me that. So welcome to the Bun club." She says with a straight face but that didn't last long because she ends up giggling. She shakes her head as the other girls hurry us. "Well, let's see what is awaiting us." She smiles encouragingly at me.

I laugh at her words and nod. “Honored to be in the club.” I look at the other girls amusedly, as they check their makeup. “Let’s see!” I say as I pull my new friend along with me.

Sara nods as she links arms with me humming happily as we both get off the plane. "By any chance can I call you Al?" She pauses as she thinks about other nicknames. "Or Lai? Or Achi! Or do you already have a nickname you are comfortable with?”

I cock my head to the side and think about her question. I don’t really have a cute nickname or anything like hers.

“My sisters call me A.” I say with a giggle. “But Achi sounds so cool as well! Just call me either!” I add, like the sound of Achi.

"I'll call you, Achi then!" She replies with a grin. "It's my own personal nickname.”

“Achi.” I repeat quietly with a smile as I follow the guards escorting us.

Bun and Achi.

I like this combo.

----

Sara and I enter the palace together where we are immediately ushered into a huge room. People keep pushing me from stall to stall, asking me questions, but answering those questions themselves before I can even think of an answer. Luckily, they didn’t need to do too much to my hair and body as Mom always makes sure we are well um groomed. I only got my nails painted and fitted into a red dress. I’ve never seen myself as a red person, I’m usually more of baby pink, purple, white and dark colors. But I have to admit the red dress looks amazing.

I then proceeded to have an interview where I told them a bit about myself and then my makeover.

By the time, I finish the interview, I am so tired that all I want to do is go back to my room and read or talk to my sisters.

Oh wait, I’m still mad at Mila.

Oops.

====

((THANKS @itssara-oc​ ANA FOR THE WONDERFUL RP ♡ i love the connection between our two girls:))