#sucidal ideation cw

[csmistcres]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 ➤  𝙴𝙻𝚈𝚂𝙴 𝙱𝚁𝙾𝙾𝙺𝚂  [ TOPIC: TEENAGE YEARS ]

at the age of fourteen , elyse was number two in the country and on track to be an olympic athlete. in fact , she was called the next great gymnast to beat. unfortunately , everything gold doesn't always glimmer; secretively she was at her breaking point. her parents had been putting so much pressure on her , controlling every aspect about her life. she kept her head up in front of her mom & dad, but would cry behind closed doors from all of the pressure; the long hours , constant injuries , a controlled diet. and of course , not having a life or even friends. the only people she knew her age was her competition.

when she finally told her parents that she wanted to quit her gymnastics , she was fifteen. they were pissed and threatened to kick her out of the house and cut her off. she managed to get out of that at least, but they treated her horribly. by now , she was managing being a first time student at a busy new york city high school. all her life , she had a private tutor. she would come home and her parents would hardly give her the time of day. there were days where she no longer wanted to live , but eventually she got better as she made friends and focused on her studies. most nights she wouldn't come home until well after dark , not that her parents cared anyway. she was just glad they kept the door unlocked.

she turned eighteen a few months before graduation. she decided that because she still had money from all those endorsements and campaigns , she would move out and get an apartment. she already knew how to cook her own meals , own laundry. as she already knew how to be independent as she started to live like it during her sophomore year of high school.

she finally graduated with honors and applied to several colleges. she even got a scholarship to the ohio state university , which she took as her way out of new york and away from her parents forever. this is where and when she decided to pursue medicine.

[gremlinmodetweeker]

A Walk in the Woods

So, I had some struggles in my life. I've been homeless since about July 27th, but I've been staying at a friend's home. I'm on disability, so it's hard to make ends meet.

In the depths of my despair, I wrote about König's lonesome walks in the woods.

Edit: As of August 13th, I do nearly have a home now. However, I am still posting this because it reflects an important feeling and something I think about with König. I love writing him as goofy and awkward, but I think sometimes it's important to remember the reality of being a soldier.

TW: Suicide reference, ptsd, references to gore, warfare/active combat discussion, depression, mental illness

Story below Cut

A Walk in the Woods

König goes on long walks alone sometimes.

You might be tempted to come with him, but that would defeat the purpose of the walk, so he’d just have to have you tag along and take another walk later, most likely when you’re asleep.

Long walks in the woods help König calm down. He likes the silence of the forests. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, he’ll hear an owl hooting or see a bat fluttering by. He’s thankfully not the type that mosquitoes are attracted to, so bugs tend to leave him alone if he just gives himself a light spritz with bug spray. He thinks that long ago, his body adapted to the forests. Maybe it was because it was the place he felt most himself, maybe it was because it was where he was most alone. The forests never bothered answering his questions.

On these walks, König has the time to finally think about what’s been going on in his life. When he walks, he thinks about how long he has left to serve. Will he retire when he hits the golden age, or will he retire when his body gives out? Will he even make it to retirement? He doesn’t know. He wonders what will happen to you when he retires. He also doesn't know, which is worse. It frightens him terribly that he knows there’s nothing he can do to protect you from the reality of living with a partner in the military. He’s gotten to a point where he no longer sees warfare, but he does hostage rescues in dangerous cities in more dangerous countries. How long until there’s a chink in his armour?

When he walks he thinks about how he’ll divide his will. He needs to be prepared, as much as he wishes he could live forever. His mother made it until she was in her late nineties, his father just turned one hundred when he passed. He comes from longevity, but does he truly want to live that long? He’s done so much damage to his bodies throughout his years of service. His body could only go on for so much longer, and he didn’t know how long he could last.

When König was younger, he was brave and proud of taking after his grandfather by going into the Austrian Jagdkommando. He was revered by his younger siblings, and his parents had been nothing but proud of him for his decisions. He’d been a strong recruit and quickly risen the ranks to a prestigious title.

Now, as he walks through these lonely woods, he doesn’t quite know how much value his title holds anymore. What worth is a badge and a name if you spend most of your life looking at your partner through a phone, really? Is he even worthy of being a father if he has to spend months overseas? He’s missed so much of his loved ones' lives because of this godforsaken burden he carries. No amount of money could buy back the time he’s lost with his family.

And yet, still, he works. He trains in the barracks, readies his bodies for the next onslaught of bodies and screams when he is deployed into the next battlefield. He knows that when he comes home, he’ll have new nightmares to wake up screaming from. And who will be there to comfort him but you, frantically awoken by his thrashing and screaming as he shoots and kills all over again in his mind’s eye. He lives it over and over again every night. He will until he sleeps one final time. He’s trapped on lands you’ve never seen, lands he hopes you’ll never see in your lifetime. He’s seen so much carnage, there is so much blood on his hands and these same hands are the ones that hold you, cherish you, fuck you. He’s covered you in blood. 

His walks carry him deep into the forest. There, he finds a clearing where he’ll look up to see the sky. Some days it’s blue and wide as the sargasso sea, some days it’s swathed in a darkness only split by the twinkling eyes of the gods above. Every time he looks up, he hopes that someone somewhere will see him begging on his knees for forgiveness. He tells you he doesn’t pray anymore, but he prays every time he comes to this clearing. Not for himself, no he’s long since been sent to Hell. He prays for you because he’s afraid that he’ll drag you down with him.

When he comes home, he’ll smile and hug you tightly. You always ask about it, but he never tells you where he went. He keeps telling himself he’ll bring you some day, but he knows he never will. You’ve seen him weak, but he can’t bear to have you see him like this. He wants you to see him smile and laugh and hold his children up above his head and fill the air with the sounds of joy and youth. He’s a strong and powerful aurochs of a man. You may see him stumble when he goes out to the hardware store to fix the latest leak in the sink, but he wants you to see him as a reliable pillar of support.

He prays that you will never see him out in the woods alone. He’s terrified that one day, one fateful day, you’ll go into his clearing to find him way up high among the tree branches.

Story Masterlist

[keiiniine]

I don’t know if I actually want to like…die per se?? But…

I want my body to go cold. I want to be lying there. My fingertips turning yellow but freezing cold. My feet puffing up and going grey at the top but bright red at the soles. I want the foam to drip out my mouth with my teeth still securely on my tongue. I want to hear my mother scream as she calls my name the first few times, then grabs me and realises I’m not breathing.

Just know I’ll be laughing my ass off as she does that. If she didn’t want me here, or, well, NOT here, she wouldn’t have treated me like that, would she??

[youraverageventblog]

Being suicidal for 5 years really fucks up a person’s head

[machathemorrigaesystem]

ugh today has been stressful as hell, and im currently mad at myself for developing crushes on some people and the fact im so tired i had a Freudian slip ...... I hate this, i hate having these crushes, they are useless, i won't have a chance, im pathetic, i don't deserve relationships (including the one i have with sage),i don't deserve friends, i deserve to be alone forever, to suffer,

tw suicidal idealation for cut

right now I don't want to be alive, som im going to sleep so i can not be conscious

[tireddovahkiin]

CW: VENT POST!!! mentions of depression/indirect mention of suicidal thoughts/unhealthy coping mechanisms

Y'all I've come to a conclusion that seeing self ship doubles MAKES ME MORE SAD THAN SEEING CANON X CANON SHIPS-

Like bc- they actually dont bother me THAT much, I think of them more like a 'alternative cursed universe where there could always be a posibillity for crazy stuff' ship. Yk, like, how there COULD be an alternative universe out there where every president of a country have to wear a maid dress or something idfk-

the world is vast and we don't know SHIT about it

BUT THE FUCKING- ... DOUBLES...

It actually really really breaks my heart... Almost like I'm watching a "thief" take away my most valuable treasure, yk... No offense to any doubles out there, you're valid, and you're no thief, you cannot choose who you love.

But I dunno... I also am very scared of "shadowbanning" in the self ship community... Like VERY scared.

With "shadowbanning" I mean, there being some bigger, more popular users on social media who are famous for being the (character's) spouse. The character we both self ship with. But of course, the popular one is going to gain much more attention and interactions because they have been self shipping for longer time, or their art/ s/is are very popular and likeable.

So, if I tried to break the ice through and consider myself the (character's) spouse, and share my self ship stuff on the platforms, I would be DOUBLE IGNORED, and FORGOTTEN above all.

And I cannot have the same mindset with the canon x canon ships, because I know that person DOES exist in real life. And that they the character much longer than me... And have merch... And celebrate anniversaries... And treat the relationship as a real one.

It's literally like a war... where the more 'loved' one wins.

Don't get me wrong. I ALSO want to do that form my own f/os. I WANT to build the a shrine, I WANT to treat my ship serious, I WANT to draw us, and to gather merch, I WANT to love my f/os as much as I feel love for them.

But sometimes, people are not able to fulfill their needs because of the situation/environment they're in.

For example, they could either be financially unstable, the country they live in has no 'merch' of the said media, the family is unsupportive and abusive, or just... Be VERY busy with life in general. Not being able to give attention to even the smallest things, like stuff they love to do in free time, let alone their beloved f/o.

.. I myself am in that situation. My country is poor, I am about to enter university, I am still healing from my past traumas/trying to get better and fight off the problems on my own, even if it is VERY difficult, and no one understands. I should already work and have a job, have MY money, ACT like an adult should, and become independent. But I am not. I was emotionally scarred, which left big impact on my (concerning) social, (terrifying) future, and (nonexistent) work life.

I basically depend off my parents, and know absolutely nothing in general, like- I feel hopeless, dissapointed. Scared above all. Because I think a part of me is still not ready to move on and grow up, and I already did.

So, if I cannot take care of MYSELF, how can I take care of the sacred relationship me and my f/os have, love I feel for them? The attention I oh so, DESPARATELY want to give them, yet I don't even give attention to my life, and try to hide away from everything? How can I even think about them if I cannot think about anything else?

... I dunno. I'm just... I just sometimes think I am underserving of such recognition, and to be called the (character's) lover/friend/family. Because, not do I "ignore" us, but I ignore my life, too.

With ignore, I mean, I TRY to survive every single day as the best I can. Get over it, then repeat again. For quite some time now. Cope with "stress" (when there IS NO actual stress) with unhealthy maladaptive daydreaming methods and isolation. And the stress is just... Life, in general.

Being a depression survivor is hard, because you're supposed to find a purpose for yourself, when you didn't even PICTURE yourself being THIS far. Keep going, while you're actually still somewhat struggling to find the path, and will to continue.

You isolate yourself from the world in your mind, your safe, comfort zone. Where anything good can happen, there's no stress, no duties, adultery, no work. You ghost people, avoid everyone and everything, stay in your home, and LITERALLY survive the day to the best of your abillity. Try to avoid thinking about ANYTHING else but you, your f/os, your perfect little world. You struggle with most simple things like getting up, eating the right ammount, doing things you like, taking care of yourself, but you're supposed to be an ADULT. To already KNOW how to take care of yourself, because FAR more worse things are waiting for you out there.

I love my f/os. But I don't love myself, what I have become. And that is what makes me worried the most. I cannot become what I want if I already act this terrible.

[1-8oo-anarchy]

it’s been 3 days since they found my sui notes, i cant stop reliving it.

which is weird because i barely remember it, i remember them laughing while crying and how much it felt like they wanted to hurt me. i remember the accusations of me not loving them and not wanting to be married and having always been a liar.

i remember being afraid of it all. i cant stop remembering that.

but there is so much after that that i just can’t find. i know we talked for like another 2 hours and i had tears tracks on my shirt and where i hid my face from them in the couch, but i have no idea what happened during that time.

i should have hidden them better. or just done it sooner.

[floralembarrassment]

i love your writing sm! could i please request something with james and regulus being attached to each other? like james and regulus need to be touching somewhere at all times. thanks in advance if you do decide to write it!

Hello! Interesting request... I'm not sure this is exactly what you asked for but it is what you inspired! with love

Exploring (1/1) (jegulus)

"James!" Regulus shouted. It was supposed to be a warning but really it was all fear.

James had run right to the edge of the barrier to look over the ocean, not slowing until he hit it. Regulus had visions of him tumbling right over the edge.

James laughed as he held his arms wide and let the wind whip at his hair. "Woohoo!!!" He held into it, a smile plastered on his face shiny clear in his eyes.

"Reg come on! You have to see this!" James turned his head and hollered back.

Regulus was standing a few feet away still, too afraid to get near the edge. Partly because in another he might not want to stay on this side of the barrier, even though he has chosen in this one to stay. The other part that kept him away was the water. He could hear the waves crashing at the rocks, he could already feel the wind pushing him one way and then the next.

But he did come all this way.

And here he was, with James' hand outstretched to him. An invitation. A promise of safety. A place to stay grounded.

He took a deep breath with the wind and took a few steps forward, grabbing onto James.

And then he look up and looked out over the beautiful view. He could see why James had been smiling so brightly. It was incredible. And suddenly he was just holding James' hand, then just their pinkies were linked together, as they both marvelled over the the waters and Regulus felt so safe enough to explore so long as he was near enough to feel James' warm touch.

They spent hours walking up and down the edge, minding their steps but loving the view. James was extra happy because not only did he get to see this magnificent piece of the earth, he got to see his favourite view, Regulus enjoying him.

[cryptic-diary]

I hope. I hope that when it is my turn, I will be able to see stars as clear as the darkening edge of my vision. I hope that when the cold seeps into my clothes and into my bones, that it will comfort me as much as it cured the burns of the past before. I hope that when I take my final breath, it is of relief.

[inky-evergreen]

This is @cagneyblooms doing btw. She made me do this 😔😔

[machathemorrigaesystem]

vent, tw sucide

fuck almost fell over 5+ times

i know its going ot gt worse

this is supposidly the pinacle, the peak, the apex of my life and health

it all will get worse from here

i fear on day we'll gt more reliant and more physically depenadant on othrs

it would best that once we can we leave everyone we do so we dont burden them during our descent into getting unhelathier and unhealtheir

all we are, all we ever was, all we ever will be is a burden

a miserale, useless, pathetic burden

we will achive nothing, do nothing worthwhile,

just waste resources by exsisting and further poison everyone around us with our presence

it would be best if we left, or killed ourselves. that is the logical option.

all we are is horrid, a horrible maligance apon the world , one that should be exiled or purged.

[facelessfinest]

I came up with a plot for a second Ghost Trick game/ Post-Canon AU. Spoilers for the game, obviously.

The day Yomiel is released from prison, he finds out that Sissel (The woman) has been kidnapped as part of another attempt by the foreign country to erase all the people who know about temsik. Sissel knows about temsik because Yomiel told her in his letters from jail.

With help from the cast of the original game, he tries to find her. When the team tries to confront whoever the country sent to come after them, it turns out to be…Yomiel. Again.

There’s a lot of distrust and confusion, but eventually they find out that there is a ghost who can copy the powers of anyone previously touched by the temsik meteorite, even if their death was erased. Yomiel, as the manipulator, obviously has some of the most useful abilities.

To create a ghost who could use such abilities however, the foreign country killed a lot of animals and people. In order to try and save them, yomiel kills himself in the presence of the meteor fragment in order to regain his ghost tricks. Sissel (the cat) begged him not to, because he wouldn’t be able to come back unless Sissel died as well, and Yomiel had made him promise he wouldn’t do that.

The new manipulator turns out to be a ferret named Fromm who was tricked into thinking he was Yomiel after he died. He can use any ghosts abilities he likes, but he experiences amnesia when switching between them, which is why he does it very infrequently and is very vulnerable when he does, besides, he’s must useful to the foreign country when he thinks he is Yomiel. It comes to light that the foreign country killed Sissel (the woman) to make Fromm believe the detective team had done it, in order to influence him to do the countries bidding. Yomiel finds out his fiancé is dead and goes into a rage and disappears, leading Sissel to give up his life to find him. They team up to get Sissel (the woman) back, and free all the ghosts the foreign country made in order to give Fromm all his abilities, as well as to free Fromm too. The others think he might be too far gone, but Sissel (the cat) insists that can’t be the case, and cites Yomiel as proof. Yomiel has mixed feelings, he knows Fromm is experiencing the same thing he once did, but the loss of his wife after 10 years of trying to get over her death, and another 10 years in prison waiting to see her again weigh on him heavily and alter his judgement.

Yomiel has to learn how to connect with people who haven’t been to the ghost world in order to speak with everyone, along with other new abilities.

[ancientastarwis]

SUICIDE INDICATORS (TW)

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. As I am writing this, many beings are thinking about ending their journey, for one reason or the other. Suic*** has been normalized when happening in certain contexts and forgotten about in many others. The truth is that, for a horrible amount of individuals, the reason was society. It is important to understand that we are all here in the same way, but we are not as strong to take it all in and move on. That's why we need to be respectful and caring towards others. One day it could be you, and it may be for a different reason, but you'd want someone to show you their heart.

You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved. If you are looking for a sign, this is it. You are important and I appreciate your existence. Earth wouldn't be the same without you. Please keep going. You can do it. You are awesome. Show your light. Stay.

The Indicators Project seeks to provide validation to those that have been through the situations and conditions described, as well as to bring awareness to many different issues and ways of being that are usually undervisibilized, misunderstood or unspoken due to still being some sort of taboo.

Indicators should never be used as a tool for self-diagnosis nor against yourself or others in any way, shape or form. Having one single indicator does not mean you will experience the situation described, specially if you never have before. Do not take this as a life sentence but rather as an explanation of the possibility of experiencing something. Use it the events in your journey through a wider perspective.

The ultimate purpose of Indicators is to be eventually used as a tool for prevention and self-awareness by all beings. Indicators signal the likelihood for situations, events, conditions and decisions. There are more indicators that need to be found, so researchs remain open forever. If you would like to participate in this or any other research as a volunteer, write an e-mail with the Subject 'Research Volunteer' to ancientastarwis@gmail.com I'm currently researching many different things so don't be afraid to reach out and introduce yourself. Feel free to tell me your story and as much (or little) details as you wish. Thank you for being you.

[1-8oo-anarchy]

just realized im fucking balding :3

is it from a relapse in my ED? averaging 3-4 hours of sleep per night? stress? or genetics and being born a fucking man?

who knows! could be all of them! could end my shit live on tv with a 12 gauge slug!

[stuckasmain]

Cw: Suicidal intent/thoughts

There is a underlying sadness to Christian that seemingly goes unnoticed, both by his friends and the fans themselves. This is much more prevalent in the musical as it comes to a head with him nearly taking his own life on stage. Interestingly enough this was built up to throughout the show and not “just over a girl” though she plays a part in it. Christian is actually quite a sad figure when you look deeper into his character besides love sick American.

He expressly states from the beginning arriving in Montmartre he came to find

“Where I could belong. Where my heart could be free. To be a child of the revolution! To be artist…to fall in love. To loose myself in the dazzling chaos of Montmartre. Everything I wanted to be etc”

He gives such a wistful monologue about this being the place he had dreamed of for so long. He knows exactly what the Denison’s are, what they do and stand for and he’s been longing for it. Christian is also aware the bohemian life is one not made to last- they burn passionately but are put out quickly. They die young. Be that by their own hand, addiction, murder, disease etc. He knows all of this and it’s what he wants. (My heroes have the heart etc. This is much later but much more direct and about artistic suicide).

Christian is a sensitive boy. We don’t know much about his life before arriving in Paris but what we do know is he studied music in school and that his father is a absolutely horrible man. One who he probably had to fight to even learn music, one who would do anything to beat the sweet and sensitive Christian into a “Real man”. From this we can probably gage his family is well off, upper-middle, enough to send him to boarding school or university. He views paris as a escape from his “Suffocating life in America” he wants to be wild and free and himself like all of his heroes— this is where he can truly live! Poverty or not.

When he meets satine he falls in love for the first time, in his narration he even admits to being irrational. She is everything to him. She’s his first real experience with human connection on a romantic level and I can suspect she knows far more about him than even Toulouse and Santiago. Satine is far more than his lover, she’s his everything- as cheesy as it sounds. Loving her makes life worth living. In come what may he quite literally states “suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste”. He’s not as naturally optimistic as everyone around him thinks- her love and the dazzle of the new world around him is what’s making him so, he’s riding that high. When he crashes? It’s hard. “Why else suffer through this life, if not for love?”

And yet, they all view him as a hopeful boy with his whole life ahead of him as if he hadn’t arrived in Paris to throw it away. To bury himself in a fast , passionate but short life of art and feeling. He’s here for a second chance, to give meaning to his life— he wouldn’t leave it behind this place is why he’s so happy and alive! Toulouse and Satine think he’s trapped here, think they drag him down etc while ignoring its expressly what he wants…this is what dooms them all. By trying to protect him, lie to him, “give him a chance” he’s getting hurt far more.

“Who came to Paris to find himself and instead found all of this. A place to belong, people to love, and a woman. A woman who showed him all that truly matters in life.”

Christian would rather live incredibly poor and with a moderate writing success that rich and unable to fully express himself. Something I love about johns performance is that during Roxanne “Feelings I canttttt hide!” He hits himself in the head- he’s both incredibly drunk but also tearing himself apart because he can’t hide how he feels even for a little bit and that always ends poorly. Even here- even a place so wild and open he messed things up, while he’s a very springy and optimistic character at times. I’m tired of this nuance and underlying sadness going ignored.

[hes-a-phantom]

CW: suicide, depression!!

Death is not a card about physical death. The Death card speaks of cycles and is a reminder that all things must pass. Hanging on to situations from the past will hinder you from allowing new, better things to enter your life. In every ending lies a chance for a new beginning.

--------------------

Ruby Rose as Death.

So this volume I had been thinking to make tarot cards for a few of the characters. And I light of resent episodes I wanted to start with Ruby as the card Death. I recognised a lot of Ruby's mindset in the last few episodes mostly because I have been there, and still kinda am.

As a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, who for the most of his life masked so hard, that now I don't know who I am without the mask on. And all that of course came with a lot of depressive episodes and passief suicidal ideation. (No worries, I am medicated and in therapy), so Ruby's mental health journey hit close to home.

I have the curious cat line up next, and I am making the drafts for my boy man Jaune.