#stress triggers

[p5nd5]

I've gain so much w*ight in the years after I deleted this app (and tried to get h3lp) that I don't even recognize my body anymore.

I used to have pretty collarbones, now I don't see them anymore.

My abs used to be pretty flat even on heavy bloated days, now all I see is rolls and I am scared of how I look when I sit down.

My waist used to be kinda small now all my pants and jeans cut into my skin every time I sit.

My legs and arm were never slim, but now I feel other parts (like calves, ankles, forearms) feel so inflated.

My back was always nice and slim, now I see rolls forming.

You can see it even on my face which is so much rounder now and all the features get lost. Not to mention the acne that I can't seem to get rid of and I am suspecting my diet to be at fault.

I can't deal with this anymore.

Sure, it was scary before but I am more scared now. I lost control over everything and I want it back. Now I wished I never tried to get "better". I honestly believe that I could remain that sized AND stop the thoughts.

What a fool.

[shouts-into-the-void]

Finally read the Heartstopper Comics (previously had only seen the show) and chose to ignore the trigger warnings.

I definitely should not have.

[scaredlilghosty]

Why are normal, everyday things so fucking hard for me?!?!

[journeytoleadership]

Declutter Your Mind: How to Stop Worrying, Relieve Anxiety, and Eliminate Negative Thinking By S.J. Scott & Barrie Davenport

Our thoughts are a way for us to process our experiences and deal with our emotions… Our thoughts are necessary for us to understand our situation, to find solutions, to make decisions and to plan for the future. Our thoughts plague us with negative emotions, stop us from leaving in the present, steal our joy and peace of mind. It just seems that we just don’t stop thinking and our mind is…

[noxthesleepymoodyoverthinker]

...

Going into a personal experience now, so feel free to skip this and just click on the lovely comic above.

...

TW: Mentions of death, the Covid pandemic, insomnia, and panic attacks.

I went through a similar thing to Leo a couple of years ago: No alien invasion, of course. But, I lost my parents, one year after another, with no prior warning or indication that I would.

When I lost my father, my mother and sister got wrapped up in their own grief and couldn't snap out of it or face it. Their unhealthy coping mechanism was to pretend nothing was going on and, alternatively, to leave me to handle everything that was the aftermath.

My unhealthy coping mechanism was taking on all that responsibility and simultaneously shoving all my feelings down as I did not know when I would stop crying if I started -- and a breakdown isn't feasible for managing responsibilities. Since I was pretty self-aware, I knew it couldn't be a long-term solution, but I figured, if I just lasted for a couple of months and cleared everything up, then I could feel it all and break down as I needed.

Well...this also happened a mere few days before the global pandemic announcement and subsequent international lockdown. And while that situation had a few advantages (like not having to deal with my job at the same time) it also caused a lot more complications...

So I wound up compartmentalizing and refusing to feel my feelings for up to 13 months...

I was also not sleeping that entire time because of constant nightmares, like Leo. But unlike Leo, I didn't have his stamina, so I tried to go back to sleep. But my body was generally too scared to, so I was lucky if I got perhaps 2 to 5 hours of sleep a day, at broken intervals. Otherwise, every time I closed my eyes, my father's face would flash in my mind's eye, and my whole body would tense up and hold its breath.

So yeah, I tried to sleep. But generally, I just collapsed whenever it got too much for my physical body to stay awake. And then I had all kinds of dreams and nightmares while I did (or at least whenever I slept long enough or deeply enough to slip into REM sleep).

Then, after 13 months, I was visibly slowing down and shutting down. The mental, emotional, and physical stress was burning me out. But I also still had a ton of work to do to protect my mother and sister -- to make sure they were safe. So I still couldn't take the rest I needed.

Even worse, when I wondered whether I should try to get some emotional release, I found out that I simply could not cry.

And, two months after I had noticed the burnout symptoms, I lost my mother.

I got so abruptly and unstoppably wrecked...

So wrecked that I had a violent panic attack the day after, which I genuinely thought was a heart attack... and I lasted in that state for hours.

And my insomnia evolved like an evil pokemon to a state where, every time I fell asleep, my body would hold its breath and jerk me awake. Because something in me unequivocally believed that if I fell asleep, someone would die.

And maybe a few days after that...my sister and I tested positive for Covid...When we had literally only been outside for the first time in months only for my mother's funeral...

It was still the time of extremely limited vaccines, very limited information on the virus, and more misinformation than should have been possible...

And the entire situation, with one thing after another, was like everything in the universe was telling me that yes, I should fear for my life and for the lives of those I loved. For, after all, I had already lost two people, hadn't I? And wasn't there a good chance the pandemic would contribute to it too?

And my reaction? To try to fix all of the things constantly, and berate myself for the now constant panic and anxiety attacks I had which was delaying what I needed to do, in between shutdowns where I couldn't move or think or do anything, and with my body hurting all of the time.

Therapy helped though. But slowly. Much too slowly, even, it seemed. But it helped. It gave me a place and person to lean on to when I was falling apart. And frankly, the fact that I find my improvements too minor and slow is part of the part of me that still needs to heal. Because what am I if I can't be the responsible one that can handle everything, protect everyone, and be what everyone needs?

Do I know, logically, that that isn't a healthy mindset? I do now.

But do I know how to change that automatic mindset and reaction? Unfortunately, not yet. Still working on it.

But compared to how it was before, yeah, I'm better. Still healing, but slowly.

In that way, I related far to much to Leo here: The fear that it will happen again, the attempt to use every moment to prepare so that it doesn't happen again, the fear that whatever I do won't be enough, the feeling that I am a terrible burden because I am slower than I was before and broken, the fear that resting means I am being irresponsible and everything will fall apart if I do, and the state of having very normal things becoming a trigger for anxiety.

I really wish I had found this comic before. <3

———

Based on a late night angst idea.

Part 2

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[l0nd0n-3xists]

Yelling triggers me so much dude. Aswell as loud noises, Both make my anxiety spike up so bad ☠️

[plantbasedmimi3]

Walking so heavy in my own peace that no one can trigger me because they are at war with themselves.

[soulren]

Go spend some time on male pattern baldness or male(AMAB) balding forums/subreddits and such. I did after realizing it is happening to me and the ammount of people who truly don't realize how BRUTALLY it tanks people's confidence and mental health is insane.

There's no cure to baldness by the way, and it can start at any time and there's no way to predict how fast or slow it will go. The only real working option is a daily pill that usually just halts it, but it can stop working or just slow it down or cause major side effects. To regrow you have to use a daily topical solution, or use a roller to wound your scalp. None of these are surefire by the way, and if you stop them you'll just lose your hair and whatever you regained. It's a daily involved thing that might not work and often at best just retains. The best drug, the one that occasionaly gives regrowth, also causes shedding at the start, and can have side effects from growing breasts to brain fog to EDsyfunction(sorry, censoring cause tumblr). Now, those are INCREDIBLY rare and almost never happen but it weighs heavily on the mind of those already spiraling.

But that's just background. What I'm here to talk about is the pure woe you'll see on those forums. People speak as though their lives are over, as though they've lost every chance of finding a woman(predominantly, there's a running idea in such places that women don't like bald men or like them less) or doing anything. You can read countless stories of people who describe that they no longer go outside, are now filled with anxiety and self-hate, have gone from extroverted to never showing their face. And some of these people are kids who lost their hair in high school or even before, or are holding as best they can to a very receded hairline and feel like there is nothing they can do.

And then there's something touched upon far less in those communities, but is important to bring up here; baldness and masculinity. There's the horror of knowing so much of society sees a bald guy as a very masculine guy, at seeing that the best advice for being hot and bald is "grow and beard and big muscles bro". Imagine now you're AMAB balding and nonbinary, or a trans woman who doesn't want to be on hormones.

Just genuinely take the time to look at those forums no matter who you are. Understand what these people go through, what I am currently going through. It is soul-crushing, spiraling, brutal. I have the dream of one day being like Brennan Lee Mulligan or Matt Mercer and starting to lose my hair made me feel like I could never. I felt like and still feel like I would have to be masculine, have to be a bro-y dude, have to look older than I was(I'm fuckin 22). It was the feeling that I could never dress feminine again, never present as a woman when I wanted to again, that I'd always be viewed as a bald guy before anything else.

This is an incredibly vulnerable post for me, and I hope it reaches you all as well in a kind and understanding mood. There's a tendency online for people to joke about baldness, to make fun of it, to treat it as a playfull silly thing but it fucking ruins lives, and it shouldn't. It happens to half the population's sort of bodies and very often. It should just be a neutral thing. You don't need long hair to be feminine, you don't need hair to be feminine. You don't need hair for anything. I guess I'm just saying in general that everyone should be kinder about balding, more understanding, and view it with as much import as they'd view the pixels between this sentence and the next. None at all, I mean.

And for those like me, very feminine guys who wanna keep that and don't want a beard and are terrified of balding, here's some names and I do hope others that see this will add more; Mr. Bruce (also in The Correspondents(band) Alex Ward in LA By Night Jason Carl in LA By Night Cecil Baldwin of Welcome To Night Vale Bob The Drag Queen RuPaul(in looks alone, I know about the whole fracking stuff but this post is about looks) tananasho on instagram Also your mannerisms and style of dress will convey femininity far more than your hair. Yea sure a front-on neutral shot of you may not and maybe you need makeup and stuff, and hell maybe a lot of people might reject you more but it'll just filter down to the people for you.

And to all you artists and writers and creatives; make more bald characters. Try it out. Feminine ones, masculine ones, all sorts. None of the copout nonhuman sort, just dudes and girls and mates and individuals who are all sorts of things and also bald. It might make a few of the people going through the various vortexes of pain that balding causes feel a bit better.

And to those noticing I did not adress female hair loss much here, that was intentional. I am AMAB and currently a nonbinary guy who goes by any pronouns but often likes to present as fem. I learned I was possibly losing my hair and lost two months of my life, no work or going or anything, to male hair loss forums and research and spiraling. Checking my hair twenty times a day, unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to think. And my situation was NOT unique, but it also did not give me any experience or understanding of female hair loss and what AFAB people may go through with that, so I don't feel knowledgeable enough to speak on it. Also living with baldness WILL get easier and you will find something that works for it, by virtue of simply living with it. Things get easier with time.

[eightspringdays]

Love when he 😈

[dragonpyre]

I'm a chronic migraine Jason Todd truther. Except he doesn't know they're migraines. Poor guy will be layed up on his couch for days wondering what wizard he pissed off cuz light hurts, sounds hurt, he thinks he's gonna throw up, his vision doesn't work right, and also there's an invisible rail spike driving itself into his skull. Then his thinks it's a Pit side affect or some other weird thing.

But no. It's just migraines

[hajihiko]

The casualties have officially dropped to 0.

[droodlebug]

Hi !! I hate making posts like this but unfortunately there's not much else I Can do. Basically, I'm in like near 2k usd of debt from medical bills and mobility aid upkeep.

My doctors and I don't know what's wrong with me still, but it's progressive and has gotten significantly worse in the past few months. I haven't been able to work for over a year; I'm nonfunctional for the first half, if not all, of every day. Fatigue, paralysis, muscle spasms and weakness, incredible pain. It's all very. cool. I've been waiting to hear anything back from the disability I filed for in November of last year. It's been in the medical review since January.

And if you can imagine isn't Great when trying to afford my medications (including. . expensive. opioids) or the frequent doctor visits and tests. Here's a very fun screenshot of my bank account as proof of how much I have to offer:

At the current moment, I need at least $30 to cover the minimum monthly payment on one of my credit cards by October 15

I hate asking for help, but with the hurricane having gone by and the weather varying by near 30°F from day to night it's been a fight just to sit up, much less do anything that might get some funds. I would be So appreciative and endlessly grateful for anyone that would be able to help. Even if it's just reblogging my stuff, I can't express enough how much it would mean to me. Bankruptcy is probably in my future, but I'd rather not make that future come any faster than it needs to.

I have a Ko-Fi and I have commissions that start at 20 usd. For the moment, I can take up to 3 slots.

Thank you so much <3

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

this might be common knowledge so apologies if I'm stating the obvious, but I didn't know for years.

Decaf coffee still has a very small amount of caffeine.

For a healthy person this doesn't really matter. For someone who needs to cut out caffeine completely for health reasons it can. When my tachycardia was at its worst I couldn't handle any caffeine. A can of cola or a chai latte would ruin my life for like 2 hours. My church had a cafe that my friends and I would hang out in sometimes that had free plain coffee, I would get decaf since regular has a ton of caffeine. Even with decaf I would still feel weird and sick sometimes. I thought it was a mind trick, that my brain associated the taste of coffee with increased heart rate. Nope. Turns out even that small of an amount of caffeine was bothering me. I started drinking the free herbal tea options instead and suddenly I could hang out with my friends without getting sick (I still drank coffee sometimes though, let's be realistic here).

[phoenixkaptain]

Always get so worked up when people are like “Batman doesn’t kill people, he just puts them in critical care, isn’t that worse?” And it’s. NO. No it isn’t worse because that’s the point the point is that he hurts them to the point they wish they are dead I-

Modern Batman especially, but even early Batman portray “Batman” as something ominous. It isn’t normal, it isn’t what a normal person should want to be like. Batman is unflinching and merciless amd drops out of the shadows because he’s supposed to be creepy!! He’s an eepy creepy lil dude!

The original origin of the “bat” part of Batman was bats being seen as a bad omen. They’re ominous, they denote bad luck. Bruce says that criminals are all superstitious, so ge decides to dress as a bat. This is literally the first explanation given for why Batman Batmans, and it all leads back to the sole fact that Bruce is trying to scare people.

He WANTS to be the Boogey-Man hiding under beds, he’s AIMING to be the eyes watching ominously from the shadows, he’s TRYING to be scary!

Death is scary, but the lead up to death is the scariest part, isn’t it?

Horror movies are scary because of the unrelenting figure stalking through the night. Slashers were scary because they killed with knives- it took multiple, painful stabs to die. Saw was considered scary because the injuries the traps inflict, the horror stems from imagining yourself in that position and wondering if you could hurt yourself to the point you would wish you were dead to live.

That’s the horror of Batman. An ominous omen. A creature that doesn’t stop until it reaches its prey. A stalker who knows more about you than you know about yourself. Death is more desirable, because death equals escape and this is a monster you will never be able to escape from.

That was the horror of It Follows, wasn’t it? The monster was everywhere and nowhere, always following, unrelenting, and the only way to escape was to give it to someone else.

Batman makes villains wish they were dead and that is the point. That is literally what he’s going for. Bruce Wayne has stocks in Gotham Hospital EMTs and he’s going to cash in right before he retires. The pain is inflicted on purpose. “I don’t want to kill anyone” is not the same phrase as “I don’t want to hurt anyone.” He wants to hurt people. Just, undeniably. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually; he wants them to be hurt.

And I can’t stand when people act like hurting people goes against his morals. Has Batman ever said he didn’t want to hurt anybody? It was a lie, if he ever did, because he definitely hurts himself literally everyday on purpose. He’s an eepy! Creepy! Spooky! Little! Guy! Let him be an eepy creepy spooky little guy!

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

"being alone over the holidays is so sad" um no actually rather than deal with traffic/airports and potentially contract covid just to be re-traumatized by dysfunctional family, i choose instead to be incredibly sexy and take a lovely staycation that is just me and my glorious self splurging on delicious food, media, and leisure time