#stress anxiety are hard to deal with
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Lols really love the creativity here. Love the banters we get to do in the game's chat function lmao... Now what do I choose here? Sylus sure has longer legs lol. And I'd definitely find all trees similar. And maybe I will whine and get Sylus to carry me out (yep he has to give in in the end fr)
#I'm crying over my lost pet and this is a relief#yep the bursts of emotions#stress anxiety are hard to deal with#god why do i always face these tough times#otome#sylus#love and deepspace#love and deepspace sylus
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Did sleeping help
No </3
#vent#tsk. isn’t it like. if you hate everything then eat#if you think everyone hates you then sleep#if you hate yourself take a shower?#sooooooooo. uhhhhhhh. didnt. work?#hng. artfight... I was so excited I have so many ideas#but it’s like. everything is triggering me or making me upset or freaked out or sick. idk what to do#I go ‘oh lemme see what my friends have done so far’ and then I see an oc from someone not my friend anymore and I’m like. ougghhh#I feel like such a baby for caring. stupid for being upset still. it’s like it only mattered to me and no one else had to deal with such#crippling anxiety and stress because of it#everyone is getting so much done so fast and I STILL can’t submit the second thing I did. I’m going to lose my head or cry or both or die or#SOMETHING uhhhhhhggggggg and it’s like all my anxieties are circling back around cus it was this time last year shit hit the fan#I have college!! I have no clue what my plans are!! all I’m good for is making fake people and drawing said people!!#I’m such a fucking. stupid.. I wasn’t even supposed to take this last semester off. we just didn’t know what other classes to take or what#to focus on... I’ve been literally free all day every day since December and it’s like I’m STILL not doing anything worthwhile#mmm I’m so alone in this I can’t DEAL well I guess I’ve been ‘dealing’ but I don’t believe thinking about bad situations literally every day#since they’ve happened can be considered as ‘dealing’ with it. I doubt anyone else is thinking about it that hard but I can’t help it#I can’t do a complete cut off from the internet. my only friends are here! what then? then I’m just. some sad sack who doesn’t talk to#anyone? mmm this isn’t a good way to start the day but I can’t NOT think. it’s all I do. my brain is one of the things that makes be I can’t#self labotomize myself into being a chiller person without killing everything that makes me with it#ugh. I’m going to be stuck in this headspace forever. even with apologies and make ups or agreements to stay apart#I’ll still be the one dealing with the negatives and fallout from shitty situations. funny seeing as I still don’t understand how things#even escalated so fast. but whatever. I’m the bad wolf forever. can’t change that
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whooooo having an anxiety attack about covid. again 👍
#cw negative#cw vent#nowe talks#it's hard to describe what about it is the worst source of anxiety for me. it's not What If I Get It. it's mostly just. it's just.#i sometimes feel like our society has just forgotten that it's a thing. or that society has forgotten that it's A SERIOUS THING.#like this thing that Kills People.#i know it's not lethal to most people but it still is a very serious thing!#why have we as a society shifted from “protecting the people most affected is a collective responsibility#(via vaccination and masking and not showing up to places sick)“#to “well what if all the people belonging to risk groups just deal with this on their own and the rest of us go back to normal?”#idk man maybe i'm sensitive because my grandma died of covid a week before Christmas last year.#or because both of my parents are over 60 and my dad has another risk factor illness on top of that.#idk man. i just feel so. unsafe. unsure and scared and tired. i just dont want other people to go through what our family did last december#i want to stress that i'm not blaming any individual people for this.#my frustration is almost solely directed towards the goverment not taking covid seriously enough#and like i'm not perfect. i'm not sure what's the right thing to do and what's me overreacting.#i recognize that i am often incapable of thinking clearly about this subject#sometimes i feel like i am the only one in my circle (family included) who is this worried about it still. i'm not blaming my loved ones#i'm not saying i'm better than them that's not it. i just. sometimes i just feel so alone with this#and idk how to make it better?#like i have good moments and bad moments with this anxiety. it comes and goes. but. idk.#i think her death's anniversary coming closer combined with the rising covid numbers in my country is just doing a number on me
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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UR GINGER???
im sorry ophelia, but idk if we can be friends anymore </3 im gingerphobic
/J /J
Oh boy /lh/nm
#I’m trying so hard not to sound mad I pinky pinky promise I’m not mad at you I’m just tired but I have made like 3 posts addressing this#kind of joke and the post I just made about expressing my feelings was me asking my friend not to say things like this about my hair or my#autism as much anymore#I get that you’re joking I really really do#but it’s just so fucking hard to hear after the millionth time bro#and I already hate myself and my appearance so much that hearing this every five seconds really doesn’t help#I’m sorry if I sound whiny or if I’m making a big deal out of nothing I’m trying not to be a baby about it or stress you out cuz I don’t#want you to think you did anything wrong cuz you didn’t and you couldn’t have known how much I’ve been struggling with this recently#but I really wish people would stop with the hatred of redheads even if it’s just joking because after a while of people just joking it#starts to feel like they’re just hiding behind the guise of a joke and trying to express how much they hate you#and when you already have an anxiety disorder that’s rlly easy to jump to#I’m sorry if this is annoying or dramatic and I’m also sorry if it makes you anxious at all I love you ghost I’m sorry I didn’t handle this#the way you probably expected I’ve just been really sensitive to stuff recently cuz I’m kind of at a low point but I’m getting off topic im#sorry#again I’m not mad I swear I promise#ghost 🖤#🪽#/gen all of it
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me in the Olli/Allu delelu land trying to explain how Olli acting weird and Aleksi suddenly smoking and them secretly glancing at each other must be all connected somehow
because they ARE!! 😭 we may be yet to connect the dots, but we're getting there okay, we're not crazy 😤
(don't forget the sunglasses!! I haven't figured out how but I just know they're somehow relevant in all this as well 😤 he just seems weirdly attached to them (and the bandana around his neck which he's been wearing in literally every picture we've seen of him for almost two weeks now?? not counting the pictures taken in the pool) like, did he pay and arm an a leg for them (I'm not sure if he's worn that exact pair before? I may be wrong though lol I often am with stuff like this) and justified the purchase to himself by swearing he'd wear them every chance he gets for the rest of the year lol
#the rest goes in the tags because okay fine i MAY be just a little bit crazy sdgjsdjgsgdsg but hear me out alright#let's say aleksi used to smoke but quit because it's unhealthy#now why do people usually relapse with smoking?#for fun ig but he's said many times he's trying to be healthier. dude won't drink pepsi with caffeine in it but cigarettes are fine? 🙄#sure the reasons are individual but at least in my mother's case it was often when she felt stressed out about random shit#so perhaps aleksi took up smoking again because something's stressing him out / making him anxious / worrying him#it could be the tour but it's not like they haven't been on tour in the US before so why would he be particularly stressed out about that?#could be something work-related but unrelated to the band. a project he had to put on hold because of the tour?#because from what i've understood the HU supporting gig happened on quite a short notice#tbh that alone could very legitimately be a cause of stress on its own. not enough time to prepare? not enough time to spend with the fam?#(perhaps if you weren't streaming every other evening...🙄)#or maybe he's just jetlagged and nicotine is his remedy of choice?#ooooooorrr it could be something related to his personal life. hard to say what though. a sudden change? general anxiety?#he doesn't /seem/ particularly anxious though but the hell would i know#so... aleksi taking up bad habits + olli's weird behaviour + secret glances and maybe low-key avoiding each other = ???#my theory is still that they hooked up and are now forced to deal with the consequences 😶#''how are they avoiding each other exactly?'' one might ask and worry not! i am prepared for counterarguments! ☝️#to put it briefly: the delulu in me says so 😌#(this applies to everything i wrote above 😂 i'm writing this just for my and y'all's entertainment you know)#ollixallu#answered asks#sparfloxacin
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emotional regulation today is all over the place
#crying this morning from stress/frustration/sheer anxiety#crying this afternoon from relief/excitement/overwhelming feelings that are generally positive#still anxious but now it's more. nervous-excitement#rather than shaking so hard i couldn't lift my teacup and feeling vaguely like i was going to throw up#ANYWAY i have normal feelings and am good at dealing with them <3
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wanting to be upset at someone but also rationalizing all of their actions because they have a huge smattering of trauma, emotional processing problems, adhd, and severe anxiety... sucks ass.
#i want to be upset because they are staying at my apartment#and they have gotten so frustrated about things both days they have gotten into hours long fights both days#and i am viscerally uncomfortable and feel like i'm in the way no matter where i am#but it's my house!!!#but i also feel shitty for being upset because i know that everything i listed makes it hard for them to control this sort of stuff#but i didn't fall asleep until like 2 am last night and today almost as soon as i got home from work it started again#and they are stressing me out so bad#and it is very very much feeling like when i lived with them in college and that was one of the worst years of my life#i am amazed i didn't get an ulcer living with them. they yell and cry and stomp and throw their things around and slam doors#and i just. hate it.#and i know i am probably making excuses for them with everything i said but i also feel bad for feeling this way#but i have so many friends who deal with the exact same things and i never ever feel like this with them#and it makes me not want to be their friend anymore#but i know it would WRECK them if i did because i've seen them lose friends they were close to before#and i don't want to do that to them again#and they aren't like this all the time. but it happens often enough that i get preemptive anxiety about seeing them half the time#but they haven't done it recently and i just.#i was trying to do activities in my bedroom when they were in the living room#and then in the kitchen when they were in my bedroom#but i ran out of things to do so now i'm just sitting as still as possible and making no noise on the farthest corner of my couch#and i just want them to go
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don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.
#i understand how the reverse can seem too#but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders#probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down#like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years#so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too#i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance#and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something#but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao!#ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them#but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed.#if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well.#if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc#it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems#because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money#and and and#im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts#i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person#i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only.#im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today#and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much#im so tired#vent#sorry#i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take#and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless#i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing#i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second#i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this
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i’m gonna be honest about something there are still things i’m afraid to post about on here bc i’m always worried about what other people think of me. so if i suddenly start rbing shit from a fandom you wouldn’t expect or a ship you don’t like, please be prepared. i’m sorry but i’m trying to practice self-care <33
#im trying not to care#its hard when i constantly see ppl shitting on characters i like that are overrated or overhated#or fandoms that everyone seems to dislike#im a naturally sensitive person and im not trying to sound annoying when i say that but its true#i get pissy and i get rly sad rly easily. and i feel rejected sometimes. (probably the rsd if i do have adhd tbh 💀💀 i also have anxiety and#im p sure you can have rsd w anxiety)#but yeah i know i keep making these dramatic ass posts abt fandoms but its stressing me out sm just thinking abt posting from a fandom#that i think you guys would find me weird for posting abt#and its not even that bad its just fandoms that have had drama or some shit. that ive literally never been involved in bc i live under a#rock and just like to read the fics#but yh just. im feeling resentment towards the tumblr community lately bc i constantly feel judged so if i start randomly unfollowing ppl#then ive reached my breaking point#sorry guys 😔🙏 like i said i gotta practice self-care at some point#literally everyone else just posts what they want to have post and im trying to afraid conflict or smth by not posting abt some things#but ykw i really dont want to give a shit#so yh im gonna try#and you guys can either deal w it or unfollow bc you think im weird ig 💀💀 even though this is literally tumblr 💀💀 but you do you#also pretend i said avoid conflict not afraid#somewhat a vent post?#ALSO SHIPS OMG#i do not give a fuck okay#if the ship is not weird i could not give less of a shit#ship madwheeler for all i care!! its so annoying when theres this constant feeling of judgment surrounding every ship communities deem weird#even though the actual weird ships are out there. being read abt. being shipped.#oh and another thing#theres a difference between ships you ship in canon and ships you ship only in fanon. like its so annoying when ppl say a ship doesnt make#sense this is what fanfiction is for !!#also i like my crack ships and im not going to stop enjoying fanfic just bc ppl think a ship isnt as good as their favorites 🫶🫶#anygays tumblr stop being so judgmental challenge /aff 🫶 rly need to curate my experience or im gonna go insane#PRETEND I SAID WHAT THEY WANT TO POST CRYING THE TYPOS
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#vent incoming this is your fair warning#read no further if you don’t wanna deal with all that#i’m soooooooooo so so so sososososo tired. it’s not even funny#and i can’t focus on anything and it’s a really bad time for that because i have finals to do 😐👍🏼#so i’m spiraling into my ✨finals depressive episode✨ which doesn’t just stop with anxiety about finals. oh no no no.#i also think that maybe everyone should hate me because i can’t do anything right i can’t even focus on the one thing i have to focus on#and also likeeee what’s the point of any of this (life)#i also am currently convincing myself i bother everyone and need to stop talking so much#which like. evil brain. not true not true not true.#i know people love me i’m just feeling like i’m doing everything wrong and maybe i’m too much#and it’s hard to push past that#especially when it comes to feeling like i’m being too much of. well. me.#i’m just very stressed and overwhelmed and it’s making me depressed and feeding my depression’s anxiety#the depression has its own anxiety separate from the tiana’s anxiety#i need a hug. and for everything to be done#there’s wayyyy too many essays i have to write#so i’m shutting down and doing none because i can’t focus#i literally zone out for most of the day and then it’s like oh.#anyway sorry needed 2 vent
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..
#still havent deleted last nights post#but heres another#im doing a lot better today#did cry a couple times this morning#but i didnt have to deal with so much today#anyway#i had a bad night last night#i rarely dream except when im really stressed#and last night was full of bad dreams#every time i woke up from one id fall asleep again and have another#it was like every anxiety i was feeling was popping up#and i couldnt break free#so now im kind of afraid to sleep tonight bc i dont want that to happen again#i kinda wish i could be with my bf and have him hold me all night#because then i would know he was safe and close to me#and wouldnt be so worried#in a lot of my dreams he wasnt okay#which is stemming from something that happened the other day#i know hes okay but the mornings are especially hard#because i worry until i hear from him#and i feel selfish for making what happened about my worry#its just a hard time rn#but im getting through it#it really helps to write it out like this#ollie rambles#not so late night ramblings#delete later
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Being an american on the internet with a super severe social anxiety disorder is so fun (lying)
I have heard so many horror stories of how everyone else talks about us, and how normalized it is, that at this point I’m petrified by the idea of interacting with people from other countries. Like my brain already assumes everyone hates me for just existing and to have so much proof that many people do is terrifying 😞
#a lot about this country sucks#but there are also so many genuinely good people here#anyway this has just been stressing me out so much I had to get it off my chest#also#I’m obviously not trying to say being a non American with social anxiety isn’t hard#but they don’t have to deal with this one awful thing I wanted to talk about#op
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im in a dilemma. i know this is kinda dumb since im literally only technically a few months into this job, but i just. dont know how i feel doing this shit for the rest of my life lmao. there's always the possibility that im just feeling this way because im not really good at it yet, and i know that there's also the possibility of me really liking the job once i get further into it and get a little more competent and used to the schedule but auhghh. the temptation to just quit and do something else is so strong looool. i just feel stupid all the time and like ill never be able to actually fully grasp and understand the concepts that seem to come so naturally for everyone else i work with in order to further my career and Get Gud. though at the same time. i am extremely fortunate to be in the position im in and doing what i do so i feel like i shouldnt complain and like im just being whiney ahfksbgkdbhg. all very possible. doesnt make things any less draining or upsetting tho.
i wish i were still in school. or like. i could go back in time and shake past-me's shoulders like "hey. you idiot. you hate this career field. you hate what you're doing. you are not happy. get out"
i have been fantasizing about going back and just. starting over. and doing a neuro/english double major and going into medical technical writing, or technical writing in general. i just wanna write. i wanna know what it's like to make writing my career. and i feel particularly called to the medical field so that would be a good way to fulfill that urge without being a doctor or a nurse or something.
but then. u kno. theres an alternate universe where i Have this fantasized job. and im making this Exact same post but complaining about how much i hate medical writing and wish i stayed in accounting ahfksbfkdbg. grass is always greener
anyway. this is all making me feel very dead inside
#by the time i was an acct major. i was on my 3rd major change#and at that point#so as to not risk being in school too long and using up my scholarship#i just#stuck with it#for the stability#because its true -- someone somewhere will always need an accountant#public accountancy is Not going anywhere#but it's hard to enjoy a job in business when you have no money or business sense or any desire to learn lmao#i shouldnt whine because i know most people just. have a job. and they suck it up and deal w it bc it puts bread on the table#i am very privileged to be able to complain like this#but again. doesnt make it suck any less lmfao#doesnt change the fact this is the highest my anxiety and stress have been in a hot minute#etc#mine#tax woes#dont grow up if you can help it kids
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Ahhhhhh why is starting the conversation so hard!!!!!!!!
#for those of you wondering why I can’t just be normal:#I am learning basic social skills that I apparently never learned#or I forgot?#I really don’t know#but it’s hard and it’s scary and I’m trying#and I don’t wanna bother my friends with it too much more#so I’m gonna bother strangers on the internet#I just need to press send but I am STRESSED#and I don’t know why#like. the first time we hung out he texted me out of the blue at 9 pm and it was fine#so why can’t I?#literally all I’m asking is if he is doing anything this weekend#if not I’m gonna see if he wants to hang out#if he’s not available then it’s not a big deal#should NOT be this hard#anxiety SUCKS
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just kill me already my stomach hurts so damn bad
#probably from stress#fucked up how upping my anxiety medication pulled some genie wish shit like#yaaa youre less anxious youre more normal but also#you cant remember anything past today and the very scattered events of yesterday#and the brain fog is so bad its genuinely hard to think#like what the fuck#i upped it by half man whats ur fucking deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#for ref when i say half i mean half a pill#i take one in the mornin one and a half at night#i briefly upped it to one and a half but in the morning and at night#and that managed to fuck everything up so unbelievably bad you have no fucking clue man#oh my god wait#is my period starting soon istg im gonna fucking explode dude#ribsy rambles#im so talkative today for what#send asks if you waaannnaa <3
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