#still feel horrible for being so hurtful to people who loved me in the process but it is what it is i cannot change the past

[calamitydaze]

long tag ramble below u have been warned

[robinsnest2111]

feeling nostalgic for the small sparks of happiness during my otherwise depression-heavy and bullying-laden and self hating teen years tonight aughh

[kelstey]

i waited

theodore nott x reader

warnings : none

❃゜・。. ・°゜✼ ゜°・ . 。・゜❃

theo kissed your forehead, both you bodies sticky and sweaty from the moments prior. you smiled to yourself as his muscular arms made their way around you.

"i don't think i'll ever get over how beautiful you are," theo ran his fingers through yourhair.

"thank you, theo," you turned your head and kissed his lips.

your happiness was quickly replaced by a sudden wave of what felt like guilt and shame.

the two of you had always been close, sharing kisses, looks, even touching when no oneelse would be looking. that part killed you.

no one knew. not even pansy and luna. given, luna may not be accepted by a large majority of slytherins but you couldn't help but love her, she was amazing and understood you in a way no one else did.

that's how private the two of you had decided- well improvised on. you wanted to show him off. you wanted to kiss him before class, hold hands when sat next to each other, dance in front of everyone, everything.

but he didn't want that. he liked the privacy. but you were never sure if that was really a cover for simply using you.

but you let him.

"i should get going, i'm going out with luna to the three broomsticks," you moved out of theo's arms and started picking up the clothes that were discarded all over the room after theo ripped them off of you.

"tell her i said hi," theo said, another thing that you liked about him. he liked luna. but he was partially stupid as you couldn't tell luna that he said hi, she would ask questions as to why he would even do that.

"i think you forgot we are a secret," you put your tights on.

"fuck, yeah. well- have fun then," theo waved and you hurried out, still attempting to tie your tie.

you felt the tears coming. you couldn't help it. you felt idiotic to allow theo to walk all over you. you promised yourself you would never let a man take you for a fool, but no. here you are, years later, being taken as a fool by a man you were in love with.

obviously he didn't know, he couldn't. it would ruin everything.

the two of you agreed to strictly have just sex. just sex. just stupid fucking amazing sex. he was a natural at it, he knew how to make you cum in minutes. he had you wrapped around his finger.

you typically wouldn't let anyone see or touch you, but theo? he could do anything and you would let him. it also felt like a weird bonding experience.

sex is intimate, of course. it's the closest two souls can get to each other. and you were convinced that the countless amount of times you did it in a day with him made some sort of connection.

you wiped your tears away as you entered the three broomsticks and saw luna sat alone in your usual corner. "luna!"

"you're here!" she exclaimed and got up out of her seat to hug you.

"of course, you know i love our chats here," you smiled and the two of you sat down.

"are you okay?" she asked as she observed the mascara which was evidently smudged under your eyes.

you had to tell her. you had to tell someone. there's no one you would rather tell than her. "luna, please, pinky promise me you won't ever tell a soul."

she nodded, "your secret is safe with me. you know that."

you looked around the place, only noticing two other tables of people who seemed to be in their own little worlds. "okay, me and theo have been hooking up. like friends with benefits style, but i'm in love with him. i cant keep doing this. it hurts, luna. i want to love him and kiss him around our friends but i can't."

luna sat and listened to you ramble on, a few tears shedding in the process. "that's horrible. but you must know, no man, especially one who you aren't even dating, should ever make you feel this way. the right one will make you cry only tears of happiness and pleasure, if you know what i mean."

her comment made you laugh, this was why you loved her. "thanks lu. sorry about that rant, i haven't told anyone and so feel special you're first to hear about this fucked up situation."

"i'm glad you can trust me, but i think i may have an idea," luna sat upright. "how about you stop meeting him so often? maybe start seeing him once a day; then once every few days. if you want to take it a step further you could even start hanging out with another boy more."

"luna you're a fucking genius," you reached over and hugged her.

"you know i always have the best ideas," she giggled.

just then the door opened and luna's eyes focused behind you, as your back was turned to the door.

"who is it?" you asked as you noticed her smile had dropped.

"don't turn around if you don't want to cry," she said and you immediately turned your head 180°.

"no fucking way," your jaw dropped as you saw theo walk in with cho. "is he fucking shitting me right now? luna tell me i'm dreaming. tell me."

"i'm sorry, babe. do you want to go somewhere else?" she asked.

"yes it is best we go. i don't think i'll be able to hold back a fucking fist in both their stupid faces," you both got up.

and as for your amazing luck, they both spotted you and luna. theo called out your name and walked over to you. "hey, what's up?" he asked with a stupid smile on his face as if he didn't know what he was doing.

"hey theo," luna gave a small wave and he smiled at her.

"we were just leaving," you said and took luna's hand and the two of you walked out. you heard theo say something but you were too distracted by the ringing in your ears.

"it's okay, it's okay," luna engulfed you into a very big, very needed hug.

"why would he do that? i literally told him i was going to be here with you?" you cried into her arms.

"he's a boy, they don't think with their brains, only their dicks."

-

it had been a few days since the incident and you still had not spoke to theo. you were going out of your way to ignore him, not caring if it hurt you more than him.

you would spot theo in the halls, once he noticed you, you had already turned around and walked the complete opposite way before he even got a chance to call out your name.

it hurt too much. it didn't help that after those first couple of days, he eventually stopped trying to get your attention. instead he was being all handsy with cho.

it killed you, hardly being able to speak or react. it also hurt that you had to distance yourself from the other slytherins who noticed the lack of your presence.

but it wasn't all too bad, instead of hanging with them you and luna started hanging out more. she would check up on you constantly, making sure to cheer you up to avoid you thinking about him.

she knew you were deeply upset about it. she allowed you to grieve, cry and let all of it out. she herself had never experienced this type of hurt, but she was almost grateful as she saw how badly it impacted you.

aside from not speaking to theo, you kept your head up high. you still went to class, still did your work, still sat at the slytherin table for meals. everyone noticed the tension between the two of you.

no one asked, or at least in front of your face. they decided it was better to keep quiet and try keep things as normal as could be.

amongst those few days of hurting, you started growing closer with mattheo. he was also there for you, he wasn't sure exactly what happened with theo but he knew it was hurting you and so he decided to be there for you.

he also had to admit that it was also due to the fact that he fancied you. you began sitting next to him at meals, class, even sometimes being spotted after classes walking together.

this didn't go unnoticed by theo, of course. he wanted to punch mattheo in his face. mattheo was one of theo's closest friends and to see him get close with you, it also hurt him.

it was a stupid, stupid situation. the two of you pretending to move on while both your feelings grew stronger- though a large majority of it was anger due to the fact you were not communicating.

or at least verbally communicating. whenever you looked up, no matter where you were, his eyes were the first ones to meet yours.

it was ridiculous, really. you couldn't seem to get away from him, he seemed to stalk you as if you were prey. he couldn't get you out of his mind.

-

you looked over at the clock, 2:56am. great. you couldn't seem to sleep for some reason and it was starting to annoy you. you quietly got out of bed, slipping on a random hoodie on the floor and your slippers before leaving your dorm. you knew that after 12am, no teachers or prefects would be on lookout so you didn't have to worry too much about getting caught.

you made your way up to the astronomy tower, your favourite spot to go when you were unable to sleep. you reached into your pj short pockets and retrieved the joint that you rolled earlier.

you got the lighter out and attempted to light it. of course it had to be out of fluid. you were just away to get up when you noticed theo standing behind you.

"you spooky bitch! why the fuck would you stand there like that, holy fuck bro. you better be glad i'm a teenager and not an old woman cause you would've gave me a heart attack," you scolded him as you raised a hand over your heart to relieve yourself of the pure distress he just put you through.

"calm down, darling. here's a lighter," he passed you his stainless steel lighter. the same one you carved both of your initials into. you were surprised he used it.

"you don't get to do that," you looked up at him, feeling anger flowing through your veins. theo looked at you, he seemed confused but also like he knew what was happening.

"you don't get to have cuddle me, kiss me, make love to me, everything a couple would do, and then fucking show up to a place where you knew i was at with another stupid fucking girl! do you know how long i've waited for you? years theo, fucking years! i thought it was best to keep waiting, hoping for the day that you would admit you loved me back, but you didn't. but i still waited, theo, i fucking waited. i would never do this if it was anyone else," you felt tears threatening to spill and a lump in your throat.

theo remained quiet, he looked down at his hands and played with the silver rings which decorated his stupidly pretty hands. you waited for him to say something, anything. but he didn't. once again, but were you surprised.

"have your stupid lighter back. i never should've carved our initials in it thinking we could've been something," you shoved the silver lighter into his hands before walking off.

❃゜・。. ・°゜✼ ゜°・ . 。・゜❃

[atthebell]

ok back from work as promised I think one of the most interesting parts of qcellbit’s character we get from the fuga backstory is we basically meet him post redemption arc. you have a character that did horrible things in the past that took steps to reconcile with the people he hurt and become a better person. and then you start the story there, and from there, the narrative asks what would it take to push him back to that person he used to be. It’s such an interesting way to set up your character, and it only gets more interesting when despite every hardship he goes through it turns out he can’t go back to being that person. that’s what I think a lot of people missed during the federation murders arc (due to all the blood. who can blame them really), the cell persona was just that, a persona. it was a tactical move to push away the people he cared about in an effort to protect them from the consequences of his actions. even with his mental health at rock bottom he was in his own way STILL trying to help other people. everything we’ve seen has shown that nothing short of losing everyone he cares about could push him over that edge, and yet there’s nothing he could ever do to make him trust himself not to. it’s enough to drive me to madness

YES yeah i think it's so interesting how like fuga as just a jokey incidental backstory to explain how tazercraft, felps, & cellbit know each other already ends up working so so well for qcellbit as a character and makes his narrative so interesting (and shows how great cc!cellbit is at roleplay). like yeah he was an awful cannibal murderer-- but when we meet him, he's just some guy who's a little too obsessed with puzzles and mysteries and a little on edge. he's a paranoid catboy with trauma, what's there to worry about?? but then we get to the eggs disappearing and the fed worker killings and you're SPOT ON with how he slips on his past like a suit of armor. none of that progress matters now, nothing of his life after that violence is important, look at the blood, look at the gruesome bodies, look at the messages and the big scary knife. but it's all an act, both for his loved ones & the other islanders & the federation. he wants them all to think he's lost it, that he's gone off the deep end and nothing can stop him, that losing his one thread to normalcy (richarlyson) broke him and reverted him back to f!cell. but that's not what happened-- it was a strategic, knowledgeable move from someone who knows himself and knows what would scare the people around him. the other islanders don't agree with his complete opposition to the federation, so he shows how far he's willing to go; the federation thinks he's compliant, so he shows them what he's willing to do to them to get what he wants, to show them that he's not under their thumb. and in the process he gets to shove aside all his own feelings and put on this version of himself, this monster that he thinks has been hiding inside all along, who can deal with it all and do what needs to be done. and we get to see the kinds of wounds that are still open that he's never really been able to heal from, and know that the cellbit we knew at the start wasn't really ever okay, even if he wasn't the man he was during fuga. that the therapy and the time and the freedom from prison still couldn't fix everything he has going on, that he has a lot to uncover and look into and heal from. i'm so glad you get the tactical side of the persona thing though i felt crazy at the time of the fed worker murders being like people he is doing this ON PURPOSE he's not reverting to anything!!!!! this is a strategic move to scare people and make himself into a target!!!!

[nynyhaha]

Spider Themes: Partial empathy and the effects of utilitarianism

A huge Spider centric philosophy rant where I’ll digress many times(sorry)

The Phantom troupe is an embodiment of the Robinhood troupe as much as it is a deconstruction and subversion of it. https://www.tumblr.com/nynyhaha/761225991501873152/phantom-troupe-failed-robinhoods

They don’t do what they do for fame or money,but when it comes to using horrible means for noble ends,they also fail. After years of pondering the Spider’s purpose,I’ve found that seeing them as a warped version of heroes makes the most sense. Ex-child soldiers,running rampant after they’ve outlived the anticipated period of self appointed service.

After Sarasa’s death Chrollo clearly states that he sees no possibility for achieving his goals peacefully, in his eyes they never had a chance to accomplish anything while staying the good guys.

Of course he couldn’t succeed if he didn’t even try! But why didn’t he,and why is there so little stopping a person as caring,responsible and community-minded as him from turning around and betraying humanity at large,detaching himself from all the good he could’ve caused?

I love that Togashi let the not yet Spiders as well as us,the audience,see this typical hero cartoon for children where the good always wins because of the magical purity of their hearts. Where if they just believe hard enough,it will be fine.

In reality..all Chrollo can do is bring flowers to honour the graves.

It means there was always a separation between fiction and reality for him,despite being eager to watch and dub the power-cleaners story,Chrollo never believed it. Or maybe he did before he found Sarasa,after which all the illusions he might’ve had shattered.

The knows it takes a sacrifice to make great change,not just of his life but of his morals.

Chrollo shows an unusual level of self awareness for a child. In the following panel he announces he’s going to become a villain. Not a rebel with a cause,or a noble avenger,a VILLAIN. His view is so pessimistic,that it must take a villain to defeat villains. There’s no way to keep his “pure heart” and all this talk about ✨faith✨ was bullshit. To me this is a very interesting summery of Chrollo’s view of his role. It’s how he assesses it before he actually does anything,which makes it all the more fascinating since we don’t know how much his outlook changed once he actually started his plans. Or do we?

Why utilitarianism? Isn’t the regret he shows here in advance indicative of deontology?

If I was tasked with defending the Spiders and presenting them in a more favourable light,I’d pull up with the combo of

-“us vs them” -> they were defending their very marginalised community that the world turned its back on,against such horrible organisations as the mafia. Their initial mission is self defense. One might also look at it the way aot fans do,where being mistreated by outsiders justifies crimes against them.

-utilitarian principles-> even if innocent people were hurt in the process,it’s worth it in the end because a greater number of innocents are saved.

Chrollo however,simply says he’s going to kill a lot of people,not specifying if

-he will kill more people than he’ll save

-he will kill more innocent people than he’ll save

-he will only kill bad people

-he will kill outsiders for the sake of meteorians

But I assume he’s going to kill those whose lives he still values,why else would he feel bad about it? In that moment we see a person who is torn between two extremes,and chooses one whole acknowledging the other.

Chrollo in that instance does NOT believe that killing evil outsiders is a righteous quest he’ll embark on,neither does he believe that killing many,even for the sake of saving many,is justified. He still decides to do it,just not as a hero,but as a villain.

Sarasa wouldn’t want it because she didn’t live long enough to experience loss and hate,altho she did experience extreme pain so who’s really to say she wouldn’t have wanted revenge? Either way,it seems Chrollo isn’t just talking about going against Sarasa’s principles,he’s talking about abandoning his own,that the two of them shared until she died together with his naivety and innocence.

The last three speech bubbles are the most puzzling for me. Unless by “repenting” he means being held accountable and paying for their crimes,this opens up crazy ideas about those kinds of people actually feeling bad about their crimes.And the notion that legal systems are powerful enough to cause such changes in a person.

This raises the question whether Chrollo will ever repent for his crimes.The answer is yes,he did already…Before he even committed anything.💀💀

Since this post is a HxH analysis mixed with philosophy,let’s look at honouring vs promoting values.

Honouring the value of human life would mean never ever taking it(Sarasa’s alleged view)

Promoting its value in this case would mean fighting for the recognition of meteorian lives by the world and stopping the mafia from killing more kids,even if for that you’d need to kill (Chrollo’s path)

In short,kid Chrollo holds values he’s willing to break and about to abandon.

The Spider ends up operating on the two principles mentioned above,valuing the whole over individuals and acting in favour of Meteor City at the cost of outsiders.

When I say “utilitarianism” I don’t mean maximising good or happiness,but acting in favour of the goal/organisation above all else

Inheriting values:One for all and all for one

The Elder here promotes the value of life of his people,he’s willing to sacrifice 31 of them to do so. Mathematically this seems stupid at first:killing 30 more people than the one originally harmed? Couldn’t more lives be saved by inaction? Couldn’t Chrollo keep his friends rather than losing four more over the death of one?

But,consider how this incident paints Meteor City,how actually standing up for themselves in such a brutal way does a great deal of inflicting fear on the world,likely preventing it from wronging Meteor City again. 31 people may die for the message,but spreading the message will help the sum of people living in Ryuseigai. Well,it’s supposed to help,and for the sake of argument let’s say it does.

Similarly 13 people giving up their lives can help the community as a whole. Will I ever shut up about the Spiders breaking the mafia deal? No.Because by doing so,they accept the responsibility of protecting their home from any threats AND getting the necessary money(haha,it can never be enough)

If just 13 people will commit enough crime to gather whatever the mafia was previously paying the city,there won’t be any need for human trafficking AND they’ll commit the crimes on their own terms! ✨Independence✨ through 🕸Spider Scapegoats🐐

Basically,the Phantom Troupe can be the sole solution to many problems,even if they’ll never solve the core of them. That,and the immense pressure that lies on them,might lead to nihilism and loss of any motivation which drove them to start what they do in the first place.

The loss of empathy

Chrollo’s definiting character trait is his relationship with humanity and his connection/disconnection from it. He’s speaking as if he’s not human himself,and in the fight vs Hisoka he displays just how deep he’s sunk on his journey.

He uses bodies as instruments(for utility),specifically the bodies of the audience(people who might not be “innocent”but have very little to do with him). He couldn’t care less about them. The Elder used the bodies of his own comarades,but how much did he care about them if he was capable of such a thing?

The Elders remain enigmatic but my impression of them is that of a powerful but inefficient council of people whose task is so enormous it numbed them to minor things such as necessary deaths. Much like the Spiders,the Elders have to use horrible means for an end too big to achieve. They don’t even have an end,they just run the worlds biggest orphanage and homeless shelter,a “safe” oasis for anyone abandoned and wronged by the world. They’re supposed to be fixing whatever injustice there is,they’re peak philanthropists and altruists,so much so that they’re willing to kill and arguably sell out (traffic) a number of residents for the sake of the whole of them.

It’s a matter of scale for them. Or maybe not even,it might not be about efficiency anymore.

They’re not unlike normal politicians,arguing about semantics instead of taking action. At least in that way the Spiders are better,and since “nothing has changed” the chapter illustrates exactly why the Spider is needed,the Elders have apparently always held this outlook.

Yes,because they actually go deal with the problem and figure out if the transformed residents can turn back. When they can’t,we see them expressing sadness about it

We even got Fei looking sad. Sad.FEITAN.Am I hallucinating?

Once Phinks figures out a way around feeling too bad about killing their fellow citizens,the other Spiders also regain their confidence,now knowing what to do. I’m grateful for the manga because the anime wasn’t as expressive with their expressions,lol.

We clearly see them concerned for people outside the troupe,and while Phinks hates feeling pity because he sees it as dishonourable for the ones turned,it’s obvious that that’s what he experiences.

Speaking of Chrollo..Wasn’t Phinks the one arguing against going to save him?

Self dehumanising/Cog in the machine

While the strong bons between members humanise them to no end and create the cognitive dissonance (how can this silly friend group commit such atrocities?) they actually show quite well just how much they have to put on line to live as they do.

If the Spiders didn’t care as much for each other we wouldn’t care as much for them either,and we wouldn’t see what the Spider-set up takes from them.

Firstly we have Shal causally determining someone’s worth by their ability ✨😀

Next we have Shizuku calmly speaking of her death as if she’s talking about the weather

This moment especially shows how much Chrollo’s cold,tactical approach can hurt,cause I was pretty annoyed at him at that moment. He’s only being reasonable tho,wanting to avoid more deaths while Nobunaga is being emotional. Still,his friend just died and while not letting that death influence them to the point of losing more people makes sense,the way Chrollo phrases it “you were willing to die,so Uvo was ok dying but those other members are crucial so they need to live” is very cynical. We know Chrollo is far from accepting Uvo’s death and his way of coping through the requiem can only do so much,however when he needs to,he shuts his emotions off completely.

Judging each other’s worth based on ability and how strategically useful they are to the Spider runs contrary to the notion of friendship,it forces them to see themselves and each other as instruments,as mere cogs in the machine. While some Spiders hold those principles more strongly,the whole organisation operates this way.

Chrollo designed it that way,since they all went into it ready to give up their lives,he made the organisation a priority but not the individual. Still,when the time finally comes to out his ideas to the test,only several members stay true to his principles.

This is the same Phinks who acted like a girly girl with a crush,worrying about Chrollo,unable to wait. Ok,maybe losing Pakunoda and seeing Chrollo through her eyes changed him,but I don’t think that’s likely. Phinks cares about Chrollo but he cares about the Spider more.

Feitan will also break rules of negotiation and risk Chrollo’s life to find out more information. He seems to see no obligation whatsoever to play fair and obey the enemy’s rules,I also don’t believe he has a concept of 🕸honour among thieves🕸but he did max out on loyalty.

While Phinks’ and Feitan’s actions seem to just stir up trouble,once we understand their pov it all makes sense.

If you put the Spider first,why would you NOT go above and beyond to ensure you have all knowledge you could possibly get and secure the most advantageous position? He’s not doing that because he’s a sneaky little shit but because he’s operating on the principle of maximising the Spider’s strategic advantage!(im such a good advocate for my boys)

We also can’t forget that the well-being of the Spider as a whole overlaps with the well-being of the majority of its legs,which means choosing the spider in practice is synonymous with playing it safe and protecting the remaining members

As harsh and damaging their approach may be,in some way it’s inevitable. There was no right choice in this dilema,and there was also very little certainty so it was a matter of trust.

-Kurapika might play dirty and actually control Pakunoda as far as they know

-Its Chrollo’s death vs a guaranteed but unspecified number of Spider deaths

-preventing further deaths is good both for the whole and the individual members

Also Chrollo being “worthless as a hostage” might just mean he’s on a democratic standing with the rest and isn’t more important than them. He likely made this rule to prevent others dying for him just because he’s Danchou (and failed)

Conclusion: An organisation such as the troupe HAS to operate on utilitarianism if it

-serves an important purpose (guard dog of Meteor City)

-is valuable by itself and most concerned with persisting

No matter how you look at it, whether the Troupe selflessly performs acts of necessary evil for their people,or if it’s a cult/collective entity that exists without any clear reason,it’s survival is more important than the survival of its individual members. Which is a shame,because it poisons the very bonds that were formed while they fought for their cause side by side.

[candyskiez]

usually I hate possession plots but god,I love the possessed hunter plot. because it's just so painfully resonant as an abuse victim. especially to anyone who's been abused by bigots.

like. this outside force you once loved, you spent so much of your time trying to please, so much of your time begging for the approval of, isolates you. they cause you to grow paranoid and angry, snapping at people and pushing you away from your support system. makes you seem crazy to your loved ones, making them doubt your mental health and making you question your sense of reality because you can't tell what's real or not anymore (gaslighting, baby!) you're cut off and overwhelmed. you get put in situations where you're forced to do things you don't want to, you're in so much pain, you're being treated like something with no wants or thoughts of their own. you're stripped of your autonomy. you're belittled for what you wanted and told THIS is how you're supposed to be, and you're so miserable. you're pitted against your loved ones. your abuser tries to make all your loved ones hate you so you come back to them, so they don't lose you. and belos being a horrifically realistic portrayal of an IRL abuser makes this so much worse. he craves Caleb's attention and tries to force hunter to fill that void. nevermind HES the one who robbed himself of caleb in his life by killing him. he tries to make hunter his shoulder to cry on, his therapist, his punching bag, his doctor. uses him to look at himself and go "see! look how good I'm doing! my family is back and he finally loves me again!" , he is obsessive and horrible and cruel and so horrifically realistic. he strips hunter of his autonomy, and in the shit that will start sounding familiar to people who grew up in bigoted families:

forced him out of what made him most comfortable. literally grew out his hair against his will, treated how he'd changed his body and wardrobe to make himself more comfortable as something that tainted him.

also just. holy shit the violating him like that. just the fucking undertones. it's fucking horrific.

and that's why him fighting back is so huge. because he has the strength to say, no. fuck you, no. this is my goddamn body. this is my goddamn life. he takes all these things he LOVED. he loved, that belos had taught him he was sinful and a horrible person for not despising (hm, allegories) and says, fuck you, I WANT this. I want this, I love this, you tried to teach me to hate it but I don't. I love it. I love it, and you didn't break me. I want to leave the coven, I want to leave you. you hurt me, and I said sorry. you used me, and I said sorry. I am done being sorry. I am done feeling bad. I want this life you're trying to take from me. I want to go to the boiling isles and I want to have a life there, in that world you hate so much. I want to go to the boiling isles and be sinful and disgusting and everything you hate and I will love it. I will be happy. I will be free and everything you hate. and I miss when I thought I could please you, because it was simple. but I am happier as a heretic and as a sinner, and you can't change me. I tried to change myself for you, I just ended up miserable. you can't make me something I'm not. I tried. and I am done trying. I am hunter. fuck you, my name is hunter. my name is hunter, and you hurt people. it doesn't matter if you were trying to help me. you hurt me. and I am done, and I am leaving, and most of all I will never let you hurt anyone else like you hurt me.

and he fucking got it, man. he fucking got it. he went through HELL and he still came back swinging. the death feels symbolic to me almost? losing a part of you in traumatic events and you have to live without that part. and you got out but you lost pieces of you in the process, and that stays with you.

but he keeps going. he kept fucking going man and THAT is fucking amazing to me. he kept going. ohhh my god. I wish I had this when I was 13. hunter isn't as massive of a hyperfixation for me anymore by a long shot, but goddamn. I love this dude. I LOVED the possession scene so fucking much and it will always resonate with me so, so hard.

[trans-queen-administrator]

Hey, can I hear about your shatterbird thoughts? She's always been my favourite member of the nine :]

[@faultlinescrew]

Oh I'm about to type for entirely too long.

Alright so a chunk of this is kinda headcanon, but any of that is fully based on canon. I had a giant fanfic planned that was literally an expanded telling of Shatterbird's life from trigger to death, and some plot points there may bleed into this unconsciously.

Number one favorite thing about Shatterbird is that initially, she did nothing wrong. She was unwillingly dosed with a Cauldron vial, and her scream and subsequent exploding of Dubai wasn't her fault. She had no intention to hurt anyone, it was done entirely out of her control as she gained powers and she should not be blamed for her first time destroying a city. The thing is, that doesn't matter in universe. She's still going to be hunted down by countless capes because she killed an untold number of people with that scream. No one's going to just let her go because it wasn't her fault, because she's the only person who can be blamed. People want revenge for their loved ones, and I'm willing to bet that she had a sizable bounty. It's similar to the situation we see with Rachel, where she can't have a normal life because she killed someone in her trigger and her identity is public, but on a much much larger scale.

I think the guilt ate at her so fucking bad at first. She killed her dad, her friends, her sister, her mother, countless others, and as much as it wasn't her fault she's still the one that did it. There's no way she doesn't blame herself for what happened, but when does she even have time to mourn? She's fled to a desert, she's gotta be struggling with food and water, and she's being hounded at every turn by people who want her dead. What's she supposed to do, let them kill her so she can atone for what she did or something?

I just love what a tragic backstory this is. She's one of the most horrible people we meet in canon, and I don't think it's unreasonable to say she has one of the highest body counts on Earth Bet, but she started as someone innocent and desperately trying to survive. And as much as I love this backstory and will defend to the death that she did nothing wrong at this point, it doesn't excuse who she becomes.

Shatterbird laughed.  “There’s only two ways to recover from something of that magnitude, to deal with the fact that you inadvertently killed thousands and thousands of people, and hospitalized twice that many.  You break, or you become it.”

(quote is from the missing interlude)

This is the quote that puts her entire character in a nutshell. The biggest question to me is... when did she become it? She implies in that interlude that it was rather quick, and that she went to Britain so she could hit a big target, but the Tattletale clone calls this out as a lie. She was running, the desert that she'd been in for months was unbearably loud with all that sand, and I think she was sick of living on the run. She wanted society, structure, something to make her feel human. I think she's full of shit saying she went there to destroy it, some accident or desperate confrontation occurred (timeline fits well enough for it to be a result of the Simurgh's attack, but that's just one possibility) and she broke London just as bad as she broke Dubai. What do you even do from there? Any slim hope of clearing her name is gone, she just has to keep running and try to ignore the guilt. And she ran to America, where the Slaughterhouse Nine found her.

The recruiting of people by the Slaughterhouse Nine fascinates me, because most are unwilling to join at first. Unfortunately the alternative is to die. No one in Brockton Bay was jumping to be the lucky winner, and the only people we know nominated themselves are Cherish and I think Siberian. Shatterbird (ever notice how she's the only S9 member with no canon first name? drives me nuts) was dragged into the recruitment process with no say in the matter just like most everyone is. Someone in the Nine found her, thought she would be a good fit because of London and Dubai (and how would that feel, to have someone on the S9 see you as just as bad as them?) and even if she explains that was on accident... what does it matter? It never matters that it was an accident. It never will matter. It's just something that she can tell herself to keep her sane.

So she's doing the fun little tests, I'm actually very curious how she altered herself for Mannequin's since he always does the same test, she's a very vain person, but that's off topic. Atrocities, horrors, being hunted by the Siberian, and suddenly she's at the end. Her and someone else.

“That’s not really a test,” Shatterbird spoke, “There hasn’t been a round of testing since I joined the group where we didn’t whittle it down to one candidate.” “We could forego the final test, pitting them against one another.” Shatterbird turned to him, “Ah.  But, again, the last test where we had to go that far was… mine?”

And she kills them. Dubai, London, those were accidents. This was on purpose, maybe even the first time she's done it on purpose. She could either break and decide she couldn't live with herself as a member of the nine, or she could just as horrible as everyone sees her. All her choices were rigged, there was never much of an opportunity to get better since so many paths closed off to her, but she voluntarily chooses to get worse. What's the point in holding on to the fact that it wasn't her fault at the beginning? She's never escaping what she did, so she'll become the monster everyone sees her as. You break, or you become it.

And there's not much of the more sympathetic side of Shatterbird in canon (partly because her backstory chapter was removed). She's fully embraced herself as a mass murderer. She revels in the attention, the fear. She parrots Jack's philosophy as a way to feel better about what she's doing, and eventually she doesn't need to feel better because she enjoys who she is now.

I don't know, I rambled for a while there but it boils down to me being fascinated by the circumstances of her gaining powers, and the shift from innocent but hated/feared to making damn sure that fear is justified.

Ok, so moving on from the backstory analysis, other miscellaneous details. Fuck it, I'm putting every thought I have on Shatterbird in this post.

She's the Nine's primary recruiter! Woo, good for her. Notably, she recruits Burnscar. Mimi is in a similar position to Shatterbird's past self with the whole involuntary mass destruction, although on a lesser scale (it'll always be on a lesser scale, Shatterbird has the worst trigger event out there in terms of consequences and she didn't even trigger). Mimi was on the streets and trying not to use her power, and Shatterbird scooped her up into the Nine.

“I- before I knew it, the Slaughterhouse Nine had found me.  Shatterbird recruited me.  And now I’m stuck.  I’m trapped.  You know there’s a kill order out on me?  If I try to quit, either the Nine or the cops will off me.  So I keep going, I work for them, and it all just gets worse.”

It's a situation Shatterbird can very likely relate to, but she's perpetuating it and making Mimi suffer like she did. No sympathy, no helping someone get through it and avoid the pitfalls she fell into, she's dragging other people down with her like a crab in a pot. Worth noting that I believe she's still bitter about the hand she was dealt even if she's embraced where it led her to, she remembers how horrible it was to be forced into everything and she does not care if she inflicts it on others.

But if someone else willingly joins the Nine, she takes it personally. Cherie says Shatterbird hates her, and that's because Cherie chooses the life Shatterbird was locked into. She's bitter that she never had that choice, and so she makes sure Cherie understands what it's like by chasing her for days for her test, not allowing any rest or sleep. However, this could also simply because Cherie sucks and is an unpleasant person to talk to, and Shatterbird is stuck-up.

Another thing I like is Shatterbird's appearance of knowledge and elegance. She's trying to appear put together, confident, in-control, and to be fair she does a pretty good job, her costume and theming are great. But under that is someone violent and angry, she's keeping up appearances to everyone else but also to herself. The fact that she's always trying to keep up appearances, even when locked in a room and doomed to die with one Witness (haha get it) she's trying to make it look like she was calm and in control when her body is found, is what 100% convinces me exploding Britain was an accident. The Tattletale clone calls her out, and to me it seems like another attempt to seem in control by framing it as deliberate.

Anyway, my attempts to woobify a mass murderer aside, I also like that she was a spoiled rich kid before all this and her prim asshole attitude points to that. She quotes Edgar Allen Poe, she reads because it makes her feel better than others, she's just so pretentious and unpleasant and to be clear I love this as a character trait, it's fun and leads to her speaking in overdramatic ways.

“Then you should know, nearly-Tattletale, that I’ve spent too long in the company of monsters to be scared by words.”

She thinks she was soooo cool saying that.

I also want to look at the last few weeks of her life. She spends so much effort propping herself up as great and in control, only to be locked in a box and puppeted around against her will. Genuinely I cannot think of anything more humiliating and agonizing for her to endure. She has nothing to do but think as she's used as a marionette.

She had a long time to reflect on her life, to look back at how she got here and what she regrets.

But I think she spent it stewing in her rage, itching and planning to get violent revenge and keep hurting others to be respected. She's unwilling and unable to go back, she'll double down on this forever because this is who she is now. And because 99% of characterization for Shatterbird isn't in Worm anyway, I may as well toss in this minor AU summary by Wildbow. If she escaped, she would have started her own version of the Nine with Damsel of Distress and Trickster. There is nothing left to sympathize with or redeem Shatterbird by the time we see her in canon, she's simply past that point. Side note but Shatterbird + Damsel of Distress + Trickster as a team is perhaps the funniest combo ever and I really wish those 3 fuckers got to interact in canon. Weirdo assholes who dress up fancy and have a taste for theatrics as a murder crew, we were robbed.

I could analyze the Hookwolf interlude but I don't want to. I'm very annoyed that Shatterbird (still no first name) is the only member of the Nine to lose the fight against her recruit instead of appearing terrifying and unstoppable. How come Burnscar can solo Faultline's crew but 3 nazis can take out Shatterbird, who has way more experience? It's pretty uncomfortable to have the only member of the Nine who isn't white be the one that loses to nazis, while one calls her a slur in his internal monologue, in the interludes where everyone else on her team is introduced as a force of nature. I think we should just collectively agree to make this interlude not canon and un-retcon the Witness interlude. While I'm on the topic it's also a bit questionable to have Sophia and Shatterbird (no first name. I am annoyed by this) as the only named capes puppeted by Regent?

But that's not the topic I wanna explore. The topic is that Shatterbird is a great character and I wish that she had depth in the story itself rather than scattered through 20 different sources, because she's legitimately my favorite non-undersider in the story. There is a lot of potential to explore her, one could interpret her backstory in a less charitable way than I did just for an example, and I really think she's neat! She takes hurting someone in an accident and then becoming the monster people see her as, something we see a few times throughout worm, to its ultimate conclusion in terms of scale. That alongside her outer layer of intellectualism and pretentiousness, which I'm a massive sucker for as a trait, and she's just perfect. Did nothing wrong (citation needed). I love her and I do hope that at least some of the stuff written her makes someone appreciate her character more.

Ok! That was... 2.2k words about Shatterbird (no first name). Woo! If some stuff seems inconsistent between paragraphs here, it's probably because I wrote this in chunks over the course of a few weeks and my feelings at the time can influence my interpretation of things and my writing to feel different when read all at once and compared. If you think I'm woobifying her too much, cool. I think it makes her more compelling to examine how much we know was her fault and how much she shouldn't be blamed for, and making her have less agency makes her more tragic which I always like. If you actually read this to the end, thank you! Have a nice day!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not inviting a friend of mine into my dnd campaign?

so i (18nb) have a friend (18nb, Martin) who i play in a main dnd campaign with with all our other friends (Ill name them Dan, Virgil, Mark, and Ray). Dan is our DM after we kicked out the old one bc she was horrible. We're a pretty close group of friends, but lately we've all been really busy with respective school & work, ect. so we didnt play dnd for a solid, like,, 4 months. I DMed a one shot for everyone besides Ray cause she was flaky anyway, and added in my boyfriend Zeke for it.

Everyone had a really fun time w it and I loved everyones characters, especially Dan's. I watch a lot of dnd shows, so i just keep getting more ideas- but while the one shot was fun it was messy as hell. Ive been wanting to write a campaign for a smaller group for a while, (because when i tried making a campaign with the whole group the character creations were... disappointing to say the least. this sounds mean but i created a fairy world that was very magical & told everyone to go crazy on character creation in a world with few/no humans, and like 5/6 people opted to be a human with a fighting class :/ )

ive been writing a campaign that im really proud of and have a good vision for, and decided to include Mark (because we're best friends) Zeke (because he wants to play dnd more and has no opportunities) Dan (bc he never gets to be a player) and then another close friend of mine outside the group named Gabe (who i love but never get to see) I love their characters & we're all super excited.

Thing is. I was briefly talking with Dan, Zeke and Mark about it at school bc I'd sent everyone a little intro message for the world and they were all super excited and wanted to talk to me about their classes. Virgil had no problem with this and was excitedly asking abt the world + characters along with some other friends from school, but Martin got quiet and went and sat by himself. I could tell they were off, but Martin is generally a quiet person anyway and is often sad + doesnt want to talk for like a hundred different reasons, so i left her alone. Later that day in a different class I have with Virgil he showed me his phone where Martin had sent him a message saying she was really disappointed & felt left out that i hadnt invited them to my campaign.

i instantly felt bad and started to text him, but,,,, to be honest, i dont think im at all responsible for this.

i have reasons for leaving Martin out, the main one being that they just..... arent a very active player. Hes soft spoken and doesnt actually like rping their characters- her character in our main campaign is/was literally mute bc they said they didnt want to have to speak as him. (theyve since taken this back and went through with a curse breaking thing to be able to speak, but her character,,, still doesnt talk much.) he writes really good, sad backstories but doesnt actually play or do anything with them and gets uncomfortable acting. Their characters are not only emotional, but like. crazy. they play a bunch of cool tieflings with insane magic classes & features and then, again,,,, dont roleplay them. I didnt want the group to be big and had a good reason for including everyone that i did, and our other friends that arent in it (Virgil, Ray who is Martins sister btw, all our other d&d interested friends at school) literally dont mind at all. i just wrote a campaign that theyre not in. Martin also has their feelings hurt very easily, so to be honest i just find her being sad about not being in it just... stupid. id never say that to his face & i get that he feels bad, but like....cmon.

im aware im a very very incredibly low empathy person- to be honest i struggle with depression and bpd very heavily and am often mean to my friends & loved ones without really processing why or how much it affects them. i told Virgil that i thought Martins reaction was stupid, and he said that that wasnt fair bc Martin had always been in my campaigns before (which is, yknow, one. Martin and I were even in a campaign with a completely different group a while back and Martin willingly left it very early because the group was loud & their character wasnt doing anything (yeah)). Every time Martins expressed (or i guess not expressed) sorrow for not being invited to it ive just sort of ignored them. this again isnt that uncommon cuz when shes sad he doesnt like to talk about it, and also they havent directly confronted me with this at all.

ive been talking about the campaign a lot because it occupies frankly a lot of my brain because i have so much to write, and i especially talk to the people that arent in it bc theres no risk of slipping up and telling them something they arent supposed to know. The other friend, Gabe, is friends with Zeke and Mark and I, and Dan is good around new people,, but Martins really quiet around people he doesnt know well, so if i invited her anyway they'd probably play the game even less than they already do.

again, im really bad at having an actual perspecitve on this. Virgil said he feels bad for Martin but not for himself, as far as i know Dan doesnt know about the situation, and i literally just dont wanna involve Mark and Zeke (Zeke HATES conflict and when people fight so he really doesnt have to be involved.) Mark Martin and I have all been really close friends since literally 7th grade and I guess Martin especially feels left out that I involved Mark and not them but Marks both really good at character creation and also talking in character, and like, hes my best friend who i do everything with.

I dont wanna blow off Martins emotions but but i truly dont give a shit that they feel betrayed by my not inviting him. especially because they havent bothered actually telling me this. objectively i dont think its my fault even a little, and Martin is really horrible at handling their emotions anyway (this isnt an insult, just a fact. i am too). aita for not inviting him + not caring that shes upset by it and acting like they arent?

sorry this is so long i really like providing context

What are these acronyms?

[perpetualprocrastinationisme]

After seeing Cassie's recent interview in Spain where she said that Kit would still be mad at Ty when he comes to him at Cirenworth after three years of being apart, one of my biggest hopes for TWP is that Ty gets to defend himself against Kit being angry with him. I sincerely hope that the entire book doesn't go on with it seeming like Kit has every right to be mad at Ty while one of Ty's biggest plot points is that he needs to earn Kit's forgiveness.

Now let me say this, yes, Kit has every right to be mad, angry, furious, and everything else at Johnny Rook for not loving him like he deserved. For being a horrible father when he deserved the best the world could give him. He has every right in the world to be angry at Mother Hawthorn and the powers in the Faerie that have hunted his family for generations, killed his mom, and wrecked his life. These people need to earn Kit's forgiveness and they deserve to suffer for the horrible things they've done to him. They richly deserve to be hated for what they've done.

However, Ty is not on that list of people. Kit knew that Ty doesn't process things like other people do, he knew that if he outwardly approved of what Ty was doing that Ty wouldn't question it. He wouldn't look for reasons for Kit not to mean what he said. Also, I can understand being hurt by Ty not saying he loved him back but he was literally in the middle of raising Livvy!?! Like, my man, what did you expect Ty to do? Drop everything instantly and confess his love for you? It's not exactly the best timing coupled with the fact that Ty was also going through his own grief and was likely incredibly startled. I just sincerely cannot understand his anger towards Ty that he's held onto for three years. I can understand having immense regret over not stopping Ty sooner. Feeling guilt, sadness, grief, trauma, and so many other things from raising Livvy, but I cannot understand being mad at Ty.

But there is something else to consider, emotions can be misplaced and misunderstood. We can be incredibly mad at someone, direct it at them, all to understand that later on we were really mad at someone else entirely (like our parents or even ourselves) and just took it out on someone else because we simply didn't know what else to do with those emotions. We can also misunderstand an emotion as anger when it is really regret, grief, trauma, and anxiety all rolled into one. I definitely think this could be the case for Kit, I sincerely hope it is at least. We are all human and we are all entitled to make mistakes and Kit is no exception. He has the right to be misguided with his emotions. He's also just a teenager that's whole life was turned upside down (multiple times) in the span of a few weeks and now must live in fear for himself and those he cares about because of the threats from Faerie.

My thing is that I hope that in TWP Kit can come to this understanding and that part of Ty's plot isn't solely invested in earning Kit's forgiveness. Ty definitely has to atone for raising Livvy and all that it has wrought, I just don't think he has to also shoulder the burden of Kit's anger when it is unfairly aimed at him. I want to see Ty acknowledge that he has things he as to make up for in life but firmly show Kit that he's not the one who should get all of his anger. I want to see Ty's plotline devoted to him being one of the most talented and elite Shadowhunters of all time while also seeing him come to terms with what he's done while making amends for it. I want to see heroic Ty, the fierce protector and genius.

I say all of this because I love Kit Herondale so much. He deserves and desperately needs complete healing. Healing that is not clouded by him misdirecting his emotions at Ty in the form of anger and denying himself closeness with someone he obviously loves (Ty). Closeness that could bring healing. He deserves clarity over what he's been through and that means fully being able to acknowledge who hurt him: Johnny, Mother Hawthorn, Annabel, etc. while also realizing who didn't: Ty.

I just don't want the whole plot to be drenched in misplaced anger and angst :( I just want Kit and Ty to fully acknowledge what they've been through and find healing together

[1d10tch1ld]

Being Winterqueer should be the norm

(Message me if you need, I am not going to attack anyone over this subject even though it does frustrate me.)

Like how Queer Activism is the norm because guess what? Making assumptions that all white people or white passing people could not be going through severe trauma or could not be gaslighted into thinking their a bad horrible person because of their race or adding to their pre-existing trauma is not funny.

Racism is Taught, Not a Biological "gift."

Save your opinion for after you've heard me out, I know I am like the only white person affected by this but I am also autistic and have a hard time being sure on certain tones.

Most of my trauma stems from TikTok, but the thing is I don't view my trauma as that much connected to it since that'd be avoiding responsible that the creators should be taking with over 1Billion people I think the person/people should be held accountable.

I can't force someone into my opinion but I hate being spoken over, I don't mean to trigger anyone but if you are then please scroll past this post.

Racism hurts everyone, including the relationships and friendships someone can have so even if the racism is not explicitly aimed at a white person it can still hurt them because majority of people hate seeing the ones they love in pain.

2. Calling someone a colonizer for being white passing or having white genes is just as bad as calling a German person a Nzi for being originally from Germany, years after the holocaust ended many Germans were hated for being German whom did not even support Nzi's (such as children who were born after the event, It's not the childs fault for their parent including if someone has a parent who is a murderer, the child had no choice in who their parent is such as with their ancestry.)

3. I support everyones right to talk about their experiences whether they are white or not, but putting one over the other or any kind of forced ethnocentrism is wrong and gross. (as in claiming stuff that didn't originate from their country as originating from their country is wrong.)

4. the conflation between feeling good about being white and being a white supremacist is gross, I don't support stuff like the KKK or NeoNzi's. But I want people to feel good about being white since someone who is proud of their heritage may be less likely in certain situations to be against racism especially fi the person was taught to be racism because they thought or were taught into thinking that all Black people for example hated them or would steal from them (which is a huge lie but someone already told to think that when they were searching for researchs to feel good about their race from their insecurity can fall into the pipeline of becoming a NeoNzi).

5. I think it should be taught in schools or universities for people looking to become psychologists that emotional manipulation can be helpful or can provide a good tool to make people avoid becoming racist or even if it's given into someone's selfish point of view they should still use it but not to gaslight them into hating themselves. such as an interaction like this:

"I hate xyz people"

"Why do you hate xyz people?"

"Explain here or something."

:0 Then the therapist can gain knowledge on how to redirect the persons thought process to avoid any hatred against people of "xyz" race. but that should be the norm of what is used in therapy to negate those feelings of shame or doubt in someones feelings towards being or towards people of "xyz" race.

I love how black activists act like white people are the problem when for years majority of them don't care about Black men, or cared about George Flloyd yet did nothing to actually change laws or change things for Black men like putting a better system in place for them? If George Flloyd lived today he'd still have been klled which to me prove as a society we did nothing. we are the society, traditional is not mainstream society so stop conflating traditional with society.

Like the same for White people, majority of racism that would come from a white person is likely feeling threatened by POC people so it's good to teach that out of them but somehow POC people took that to mean making fun of their trauma or paranoia! Making fun of someone with Paranoia about something no matter what is ableist and I will not stand for it but purposely inducing Paranoia into someone is also ableist.

I would argue that black men are often dispositioned into roles where they are more likely thought to be dumber or less-human then black women. the whole George Flloyd thing did not get to the root of the issue which is the Police System --- since no one thought to take it to the Police Department / Head of the police to have honest discussions on what to change to make sure its less likely to happen since it'd influence the training style or it'd still make a remembrance day or something??? Like guys words aren't all you need to make a change.

(NO!) No, more gaslighting someone into not being able to talk about their experiences, some people act like therapists are just robots pre-programmed with automatically knowing how to make someone better yet these lies from POC people (not all POC people but like a lot of POC activists) do reach therapists yet a white person can't say they feel gaslighted or they feel like their trauma is not taken serious for being white --- or other white people shut the white person down, not wanting them to label their trauma as racism when it technically is.

Like the whole argument over, "white racism does not exist" so what am I to tell my therapist if the therapist thinks like that? It does not prove anything to them, it just makes it harder for a lot of people to access therapy as they may refuse or think the therapist is weak because they are basing their opinion on "empathy" and not every feels empathy.

No one is arguing that white racism is as bad as any other types of racism but yet people want to know why so many people go from being White at birth to go identifying as Trace like??? I don't want people to have to identify as Trace because it's just been adding to the trauma I have because I want people to be able to work through their trauma and what I mean by that is not the current gaslighting therapy style we have now. So please stop the way you talk or act about race, you don't need to be an activist based on the colour of your skin.

That goes to everyone, you can be an activist if you genuinely want but know this It doesn't change if you are morally right or wrong as long as you hear people out then its fine but if your not willing to on any issue then you can't really get your own activism across to them.

[theoriginalyorick]

I’m so normal about characters who choose to believe that they are a monster and a Super Evil Guy who Loves Being Evil and Bad and is So Terrifying because the alternative is looking inward and realizing that some really messed up stuff happened to them. Yes, they were responsible for some awful things, perhaps even on accident, but they still have to keep living and try to rebuild themselves while admitting shame and wrongdoing. They still have a responsibility to themselves to seek out community and love and try again. That’s so, so hard to do, so they choose not to, because the “fundamentally depraved” narrative is easier to believe and act out. Being Just Some Guy is terrifying at first. Admitting that you were hurt by someone else, vulnerable, or made mistakes in the past is scary as shit, because it means admitting you didn’t actually have any control. It takes you back to that place of feeling powerless and scared. It’s realizing that you were in some ways a victim, not a perfect evil mastermind, and that can make you feel so, so small.

Processing trauma and shame can take a whole lifetime, and without a safe environment to do so, people are likely to lash out or shut down when confronted with it for the first time. I’m in no way defending people who deliberately continue to be awful to everyone after going through something horrible or doing something awful themselves, but I do think it makes for some fascinating characters. If you’ve made it this far, yes, this is post is somehow about both Agatha Harkness and Bill Cipher because the hyperfixations won’t let me go.

[anonzentimes]

hi zen!! my friends and i are doing a powerpoint night this monday and like any self-respecting person almost 7 months deep in a dangan hyperfixation (i'm never getting out of here) i am using it as a platform for an all-encompassing kmhn infodump. this powerpoint is going to be the komahina bible and i want to hit Every Stop. i will grab everything i can find. no hesitation. however !! the danganronpa franchise is A Lot. so there's always a chance i will miss something. so! as a fellow kmhn understander and enthusiast, is there any particular Komahina Moment or piece of analysis you feel people often miss or overlook? could be big or small, or involve just one of the two of them, but i'd appreciate the input! <3 have a good one :D

OH MY GOD??? I’LL TRY TO ANSWER IN TIME FOR YOUR POWERPOINT LMAO THAT SOUNDS AWESOME?????? You should record it! Well, you probably will, but I’m still saying it anyways just in case you aren’t, because something that fun going unrecorded sounds like a tragedy!

I’ve had ideas of doing all encompassing komahina rambles for a video or something, but I’m already working on other projects so It’ll be a long time before I even try lmao. Makes me happy someone is trying something similar, and with friends no less! I’d be happy to help in any way I can, I hope you and your friends have fun! :D

ANYWAYS. I’ll say a huge ramble of Komahina things and hope it helps LOL.

This is more of a silly statement, but for a FULL Komahina coverage I think it’s most satisfying to cover the different flavors of komahina, if that makes sense? Like, depending on what approach you’re taking you may not cover kamukoma, since to a degree that’s an entirely different ship, but you’d still cover the canon adjacent other flavors. Basically, try including the canon adjacent variations!!! The Dangan island events are good for analyzing their dynamic with less horrible circumstances bringing them to worst and causing them to hurt each other. The stage plays are also great to mention since there’s some komahina content that is play original, and seeing them physically interact is fun! Can’t forget the Komahina CD too Lol. There’s also smaller things like their anniversary outfits, especially the matching purple ones, their animal outfits, and their Danganronpa S Swimsuits!

Little details that are so special to me are things like the parallel of Nagito waking Hajime up being reserved in Danganronpa 2.5, and there’s also how things like Hajime’s grief for Nagito that’s so compelling, special, and telling about their dynamic.

I think my main thing to actually add on properly is that, a lot of people say Hajime hates Nagito which is absolutely incorrect. I don’t think I’d try so hard or care enough to revive and or wait until a person I hated woke up. Hajime displays he actively cares a lot, they just happen to feel hurt and betrayed by each other due to the circumstances. Komahina is unhealthy but it isn’t toxic, if that phrase makes sense. The beauty of it is that they grow TO be healthier, they learn to love each other, understand each other, and in the process learn to understand and love themselves. Komahina is reciprocal, it gets unhealthy due to circumstances, but it is reciprocal and the beauty of it is them becoming healthier together.

Nagito is not a malicious psychopath, and Hajime is not an overly horny person with no personality, I see them misinterpreted and characterized like that constantly It’s ridiculous. Hajime is awkward, conflicted, introverted, caring, and tries to be positive but ultimately is usually a realist. Hajime gets attached to people easily and deals with discrimination, insecurity, and self esteem. Hajime is relatable enough to where he’s empathetic but unique enough to where he’s special.

Nagito is a mentally ill queer coded man who is an antagonist and an anti-hero. He is morally gray when it comes to his unhealthy coping mechanism and has complicated beliefs, he’s honest, intelligent, struggles with insecurity, struggles with self esteem, has absolute beliefs influenced by hope’s peak, is a parallel and warped version of Makoto while being his own person, and he’s very sweet. Nagito’s love language seems to be mostly playful teasing, he rambles a lot and weirds people out just by saying what he thinks is fact. He has tonal issues and usually isn’t self aware, despite this he also worries about the impression he gives off if he thinks it matters. His beliefs are very hierarchy based and he thinks he’s all the way at the bottom, he doesn’t absolutely hate people like him but he thinks they have no purpose other than to help those more capable and projects onto them. Nagito is a very complex character, he is numb to intense situations due to the immense trauma of it being normal for him. He’s optimistic but also pessimistic, he’s positive but also incredibly anxious, he’s well intentioned but also thinks anything is okay if it’s for hope, there’s a lot to Nagito but in the end once it clicks it really clicks. He is contradictory in a way that perfectly makes sense, creating the perfect character. There’s a lot to him but when you understand him there’s no need for words, you just get it. There’s a feeling to him, an understanding, and I think that’s really special. He really is amazing.

Anyways, the ramble on summarizing both of their characters simply is to more expand on points about their dynamic! Nagito and Hajime are sides of the same coin. Nagito is irrational when it comes to Hajime in the way that he defies his normal behaviors because he usually avoids others and thinks he’s not worth the ultimates time, it means so much to me that Nagito just immediately had a feeling and connection with him. I’ve seen some people not think about it, but genuinely Komaeda feels something upon first sight and it’s irrational given his regular behavior it’s so sweet.

This has been just a lot of me rambling, but hopefully some of it helps! I had fun yapping haha, thanks for you ask!

[istanchan]

Pit Babe Ep. 9 thoughts

Before starting Pitbabe I was hesitant because I thought that Babe would be a stereotypical toxic masculine tough ML. I mean I was still very excited because I’ve loved Pavel since 2Moons era and I will honestly watch whatever he’s in but I just expected a very toxic male lead. Many male leads in Thai shows are to be honest, and although I did enjoy LITA, I assumed Babe and Charlie’s relationship would be similar to Rain and Phayu.

I definitely feel like the writers of the show wanted us to believe that Babe and Charlie’s relationship would be like that too. That’s why the very first episode was whiplash. I didn’t expect it at all and neither did most BL watchers.

Pitbabe is so unique as a show even if you cut out the fact that it is the first live action Omegaverse-alpha4alpha-mpreg?? live action series. Babe and Charlie’s dynamic, and their love for one another make the show unique.

I will never ever shut up about their dynamic by the way. ITS JUST SO GOOD.

First off Babe is everything you would never expect him to be. It’s in his name but he is possibly one of the biggest babygirls in all of Thai BL. But he’s tattooed and he’s a car racing champion. He appears closed off and cocky on the outside but really all he’s ever wanted is love and affection.

And he gets that from Charlie, his sweetheart, his younger boyfriend who takes care of him and treats him like he’s the only thing that matters.

And that’s why I love Charlie so much. He is so self sacrificing. I wish we saw more of his inner monologue and thought process and all of his trauma more on screen. But Charlie is so loving. He loves with every fiber of his entire being.

Episode 9 really showcased the extent of their love for one another. Sometimes while watching shows, a relationship can appear very one sided. Again not to compare because I love LITA, but for both PhayuRain and PrapaiSky, I feel like all of the caring and comforting was done by one side. There’s honestly nothing wrong with that, however personally I like it when both characters have something they struggle with. When both of the people in a relationship care and comfort each other, the relationship feels so much more realistic.

Babe and Charlie are both there for one another. This is something we see in episode 9. Charlie is obviously there for babe after the horrible things Way did. And Babe is there for Charlie before the big race. They both give each other advice. They love one other so wholly. It’s so devastating to me.

I have so much to say but it’s 2 am and my fingers hurt from typing

[kiwibongos]

warning for ab/se & toxic relationships. and sdr2 spoilers duh

im thinking abt the remnants of despair. cause i hate how it just seemed to be like, "theyre suddenly brainwashed and then they turn evilll and they kill because they dont feel anything" like, i hate that. it feels so underdeveloped. it cant just be despair, it has to be deeper than that, i think it'd take personal angles and link with a lot of their own trauma, leaving them really vulnerable and deranged. so heres my own interpretation and headcanons for some of them

contains mikan, nagito, fuyuhiko, peko, akane, kazuichi, and brief analysis of the rest. keep in mind i havent seen the animes yet lol so this is a basic layer of it, but i just rly wanted to let this out cus i dont see it talked about. storing my brainrot here for later moments.

first of all i feel like the brainwashing would be a very slow process bc junko would definitely just manipulate everyone in her way to get what she wants. and by the time the world was plagued basically, all the remnants clearly had really unhealthy feelings related to junko specifically. they all love her, hate her, or praise her, but its all in very different ways that would be bc of their own personal backstories

we all know how mikan and nagito feel. mikan was constantly hurt by other people before junko herself, itd make sense for her to develop a very unhealthy attachment to her. mikan was extremely vulnerable and controllable, she would do anything for anyone and especially junko, just so no one is mad at her, hence why it got so twisted to the point where she wanted to keep a part of her inside forever. she wanted to be loved so badly, she would take whatever form of it she could. thats why it was so easy for junko to get her under her boot. now nagito has an odd love-hate relationship with junko imo (his mind is so messed up man) even if he praises hope in such a grossly obsessed way, the mf still TOOK her arm. i know he did it because he hated her so much and i guess to take power back, but i feel like because nagito had never really been loved, he wanted to try and feel what it could've been like out of some kind of confused desperation and fondness for her in a way, because his mind has no idea what those feelings truly are or what they mean, as hatred and love often get mixed up in his head and form this horrible amalgamation with whoever he meets, which is clear towards the survivors in the nwp anyway

fuyuhiko put junko's own eye into his own socket, and i feel like his relationship with her while in despair would be familial and extremely unhealthy. he is definitely one of the most fucked up to me. id say by my own headcanons though its heavily implied in his fte dialogues, is his parents are very ab/usive right from the start. fuyuhiko is messed up to all hell, he was constantly struck and under pressure but he had to be strong and perfect because he was the head of his clan, hence like his insane tolerance for pain. he had to make his clan, or more importantly his parents proud, or else he was a failure forever. so he clung onto that and did his best trying to be good enough for basically anyone. and even before despair he was in a really bad stubborn, mean, depressive state, leaving him far more vulnerable and more open to violent, impulsive actions as long as junko was smart enough to get him under her finger. fuyuhiko never knew what true love felt like (platonic or not), and when junko took advantage of all of that and he slowly fell into despair, shit hit the fan. he lost morality and he had come so attached to her to the point where junko was like a mother figure to him. he wanted her to notice him and be proud basically, it was moreso the idea of someone-- anyone-- being proud of him, but junko was his main focus of that by now, given his state. to him she was like the mother he never had, who seemed to be on the same terms with everything he had believed, someone who approved of him, so he wanted to make her proud, even if it was hurting him. fuyuhiko would keep digging himself a hole of desperation and self destruction, seeking more and more pain to test his endurance because it's what she wanted, and that became what he wanted, too, because pain is all he's used to. and because of that, makotos guess was right; he wanted to see her despair. it'd make sense he'd want to take a part of her, to see horrors she had witnessed so he could understand it, so she could be proud of him and part of him forever. he felt like if he did that, he would finally succeed, he'd achieve perfection, and he did. he'd done everything junko wanted him to do, while quenching his own thirst for violence itself, all via his own delusions. that was love to him and it felt real

as for peko she was definitely also treated the same in the kuzuryu family but more dehumanized obviously, so i think she'd feel a similar way; always needing to be good enough, but more specifically protecting the ones she cares about at all costs even if it results in bloodshed. i think she'd be a lot colder, forcing to suppress her feelings since she just has to follow fuyuhiko wherever he goes, and she was pretty much as insane as him as well so anything slid. i know peko doesnt want to be a tool, but she'd definitely succumb to the fact that she has to be one when they're under despair at the same time, and if she was going to be his tool, she has to be like a robot and just do what follows, because she didn't see herself as a person, her chance of being her own human was ripped away

as for akane, she grew up very poor, and didn't live a good life at all either (w/ definitely bad parents) but she always tried her very best taking care of her siblings in the past, despite everything. i think there was a lot of twisted familial love with junko whom she started to see as a sister despite being unrelated, just because of being a caretaker all her life, its just kind of instinct to protect anyone, but that just got mixed up as she fell into despair, and she would only protect junko, while chaotically killing anyone else in her way. she'd fight for her endlessly, she was one of the strongest, at least for a while, im thinkin she found her body and wanted to preserve it as much as possible by the end of everything, she still wanted to take care of her and do everything for her even if she had been too late. and with that, and barely any food in an apocalyptic world, the inevitable happens. akane would fall into a very hurtful spiral of self hate, that her starving was a sacrifice to junko so she could prioritize her first instead of herself, while also it being like a punishment to herself for her own failures and how she was failing to preserve junko

kazuichi always hated himself. he was bullied often, didn’t have a lot of friends going into high school, and he was very desperate for attention, especially from women. he’d be very notably attached to junko which would eventually evolve into romantic feelings, similar to mikan. he craved attention and validation so much, it left him very vulnerable, and kazuichi often grows attached to people who show him a sliver of kindness anyway, so junko would likely personally manipulate him and praise him, and they’d grow close, and he’d develop a very strong attachment towards her that derails into love and lust. and once he was influenced by her under despair, he would do anything for her. so, he’d get his hands on a lot of weapons, and go on mindless killing sprees, causing havoc 24/7 just to please her and keep her memory alive through despair. and deep in his mind, he probably truly thought that junko was his soulmate, that they were destined to be together, and he was fulfilling missions just for her, and in the end, they could be together

extra stuff i guess? as anyone would expect, sonia just became a corrupted leader and took advantage of her power under despair. her kingdom would try to keep her above it, but she’d fall into it somehow anyway, and probably had already been plagued by corrupt/unjust views by junko before, so she’d lead her people to worship junko the same way she does, and anyone who stood against it would be punished severely. mahiru falls into morbid curiosity because of junko and gets worse, given what she does with her camera, also both mikan and gundham would try to stitch junko up a little, and try to keep her from falling apart as long as possible. mikan is more likely to do that for her own twisted romantic purposes, but if gundham gets a hold of her before or after mikan, he would take her blood for himself, and most likely start a cult to worship her, all for like weird satanic purposes involving rituals and stuff. he’d also encourage his members or the other remnants to indulge in certain activities for the sake of praising her. gundham would probably even believe she was some demon from the underworld who granted him powers and chose him to carry on her legacy

also teruteru was just a little hungry. boys gotta eat

[md-confessions]

js a confession here and overall my thoughts about envy and other ships with N ever since day one, [not bashing any envy shippers! i support opinions but i also have mine.]

i ultimately believe nuzi is most healthiest ship because Uzi doesn't and never has and/or will neglect N. see, the thing with envy and J x N [i do not know the ship name, Jen is unfamiliar to me so im unsure if it's the actual name so i will just be saying J x N] is that both J AND V has treated N horribly. and N has every right to stand his ground and then move on. V has equally treated N the same way J did for as long as he could remember [for a while, at least until he got his memories back] and i mean - i'll get to why it still doesn't work out even after he regained his memories back.

but i mean, V mentions to Uzi in episode 4 about N having friends with rocks. he was lonely. in his eyes, V hardly cared. i believe he liked to believe she did, but based off his experiences, he was optimistic and loyal. he IS loyal to them, i do not think he'd after turn his back actually on J and V unless something drove him to some breaking point. other than that, he was completely lonely despite being kind to the both of them.

the thing with V is, she KNEW she was being a jerk. that was not the way to protect N from the past and what might happen in the future. the way to go was not pushing him away, and she realized this in episode 6 then died protecting him. [im sorry V fans but she literally saluted and did not visibly fight back or want to survive. i believe she's dead unless some kind of convenient clone finds her way back.]

see, the thing is nuzi is that Uzi includes N in about everything. she opens up to him and he supports her, so she does the same. he means the world to her, and the same goes for N. they help each other and their only fights was that time in episode 2 where they separated because Uzi was visibly traumatized and uncertain what was truly real and what wasn't and N decided to give her space. the time in episode 7 was because N had his loyal side come out again to who he thought was Tessa and he appeared to trust her and do his duties. Uzi saw this and thought N was going to hurt her because of Tessa, but again, a lot was happening at the moment and they couldn't process anything properly. V did just die, after all.

of course, they reunited and they embraced each other. they were happy to see each other and the two never "fought" other than that. V and J with N? ...not so much. they hurt him both emotionally and physically but man im sorry N is not stupid. not in the slightest. he is offered someone that genuinely loves him and supports all of his feelings along with opening up about their own and he has feelings for them too and you expect him to trust the people who have hurt him? it is unhealthy.

as for the time N, V and J worked at the manor, let's do a quick rundown because this is getting pretty long.

J is obviously not fond of N. N is not particularly interested either because, excuse me? she pushed him onto the floor and gave him a drawing in his book she knew he reads to kill himself? concerning to say the least.

as for him and V, she obviously had feelings for him as did he with her. but the thing is though, he remembers this but at the same time how V has went out of her way to knock him aside several times after the manor and when they're disassembly drones. i would not trust V fully either if i was in the same position as him. and clearly he seems to be in some relationship with Uzi. N was never in the wrong. V clearly and always was, sadly even from the start. her way of "protecting" him had several flaws and she knew it too.

anyhow, thanks for reading this essay lol luv this blog

⠀

[demon-country]

I've read a lot of great meta on here about Blitz's pov around the roleplay thing and his need for processing time following that, which he did not get. And I love Blitz to death, he's tied with Stolas as my favorite character and honestly I relate a lot to him, so it's been a huge relief that I've seen so many posts that are fair and sympathetic to him and everything he did, including his anger at the end there. He's an incredibly nuanced character who has been deeply traumatized, and all of his actions in The Full Moon make perfect sense when you put his specific traumas and trust issues together with his avoidance of anything that might make their relationship "complicated", up to and including his own feelings and the mere idea that maybe all the ways he's noticed Stolas showing that he's interested in more than just sex means that Stolas is interested in more than just sex.

That being said, I don't agree with the argument that Stolas was in the wrong for not giving Blitz time to process his confession before walking away. Sure, maybe that's not the ideal response speaking as an outsider looking in, but of course he didn't stick around, practically no one would've. Even without all the evidence he had that Blitz might reject him, even without his depression and fears that he's a monster, it is soul crushing to confess something important that leaves you vulnerable, and have it be (seemingly) mocked by a person whose opinion matters a lot to you.

And I get why Blitz did it, I'm not trying to put the blame on him or anything; it was very clearly a defense mechanism influenced largely by his self-esteem issues and inability to believe people could love him (the light literally leaves his eyes when the doubt creeps in and that fucking kills me). But there's hardly anyone who wouldn't cut and run after that. If Blitz had asked for time, demanded Stolas explain, or even just ran away himself, Stolas very likely would have gladly given him the time he needed to process. Stolas' part of the duet shows that he was expecting rejection even if he forced himself to believe there was hope he might have a positive reaction, so Blitz saying "wait what? Hold on, are you serious?" to start with wouldn't have been a bad thing to Stolas, because at least it's not a flat out no. But by the time he does get around to asking that, it's too late. Because we've seen that Stolas has had his feelings mocked before by Stella, his decades-long abuser, so it must have cut even deeper for Blitz to seemingly make fun of him when he poured his heart out to him.

Almost no one likes to cry in front of other people, because it feels awful and humiliating, and even less people would feel okay doing it in front of someone who just hurt them. Stolas very politely excused himself, even thanked Blitz, and left to probably go cry his guts out. But Blitz followed him. He understandably wanted to talk about things, but the fact is he just really hurt Stolas. It's completely fair for Stolas to not want to talk to him right then after his feelings were just trampled over, because he needed space even if Blitz needed to talk. Blitz didn't mean any harm by his roleplay bit, because he didn't believe Stolas was serious, but his actions were still hurtful. Blitz had every right to ask Stolas to stop and talk things through with him, and his abandonment trauma was already in full affect by that point, but Stolas also had every right to walk away when his own abuse trauma had just been triggered hard.

The whole situation was, start to finish, one big horrible clashing of trauma responses, which only got worse in the ballroom. So I'm not saying that Blitz was "in the wrong" here either, it certainly wasn't malicious, and moreover he didn't even know Stolas could be hurt emotionally. But holy hell, pretty much any reaction would have been better than (accidentally) making a mockery of Stolas' feelings after his confession. There's probably not a person alive who would take that well if it came from someone they loved. It probably would have hurt Stolas less if Blitz had actually stabbed him with a holy knife, given the way Stella had abused him in the past. It was never about Stolas expecting Blitz to reciprocate his feelings right away, it was about how viscerally awful it feels to put your heart on the line and have your feelings be made fun of, accidental or not.

They both fucked up in this situation, there's no denying that. Stolas was clearly using a script to power through a nerve-wracking interaction, but it was poorly worded at first and he tripped over several of Blitz's trauma landmines as a result, accidentally making him panic. But walking away when he did and later kicking Blitz out were not him fucking up. He definitely could have said something like, "I don't want to talk right now, you really hurt me and I'm very upset. Please come back later and we can talk then" or something in the hall instead of what he actually said which was easily misconstrued, to make Blitz know why he was leaving, but not many people would think to do that when they're that upset, they just want to get away from whoever hurt them.

So no, even though it ended with both of them in tears and even more hurt on both sides, I don't think it was wrong of Stolas to walk away when he did, especially because he did try to explain himself as Blitz followed him (he just wasn't like, great with his wording. Understandable really, most people aren't super articulate when they're deeply upset). And probably it was even a good thing he did, in the end, because it finally clued Stolas into the fact that how he's been treating imps needs to change. I dunno, it's just something I haven't seen talked about yet, and thought it was worth saying.