#also maybe more fully experience my first genuine friendships between 2011-2017 without the looming mental illness
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feeling nostalgic for the small sparks of happiness during my otherwise depression-heavy and bullying-laden and self hating teen years tonight aughh
#kinda wishing i could go back in time and try to prevent it all from becoming such a blur from mental illness#wanna fully experience 2007-2011 without all the trauma and The Forgetting 😭#also maybe more fully experience my first genuine friendships between 2011-2017 without the looming mental illness#and the accompanying fragility and volatility. like damn if it wasn't for all of my shortcomings and my weirdness#i would probably still be friends with more people from that time...#but i drove most of them away by being horribly mentally ill and self depreciating and being a total ass to them because of it#no one taught me better at the time and i was a frightened and hurting animal#still feel horrible for being so hurtful to people who loved me in the process but it is what it is i cannot change the past#i know they TRIED their best to make me feel better and help me grow and be a better person but i was not Receiving it in my brain#mental illness took so much from me orz
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