#still don't feel like putting myself through another one of those situations if i can help it though lol

[grey-wardens]

augh, i think i really need to go to the doctor for this anxiety...

[takami-takami]

Like a Candle at Both Ends.

includes— hawks x reader. minors dni. smut.

warnings— sub!keigo. reader uses a strap. double penetration with a twist. multiple orgasms. overstimulation. dacryphilia. cum as lube. slight feminization (of keigo). slight degradation. some brattiness. face-sitting mentioned.

In which you blow the birthday boy's back out like a candle. Topping Keigo with a fleshlight underneath him, that way he gets so overwhelmed he cries. ♡

You're at least ninety percent sure Keigo won't remember a damn word he says, tomorrow.

It's a pity, truly, that his gorgeous babbles of incoherency that entertain you aplenty in bed will only live on in your memories; but you suppose you can't really blame him. It would be difficult for any man to remain focused in this situation— let alone one who gets as lost in the floaty depths of subspace as Hawks.

You've always known your boyfriend to have a penchant for indulgence. If the tabloids get one thing at least half-correct, it's that Keigo is quite the glutton for satisfying his baser urges.

Tabloids call him a foodie. They snap pictures of him at different restaurants every afternoon during his usual two o'clock lunch breaks, sinking his teeth into delicacies with a moan, only to wash it down with the most caffeinated coffee he can get his mitts on.

And those same tabloids write adorable little periodicals about how their media darling just loves a little something to eat.

But you know better.

The reality is, it's more that Keigo is simply a brat who likes to indulge. He likes to be pleased.

He likes to fill and be filled, to stuff and be stuffed; but you don't blame them for not reading between the lines, there. You suppose you do have the unfair advantage of seeing him make that same, satisfied face after you've milked his cock to empty itself past the point of shooting blanks.

If anyone on this earth is privy to a crucial little piece of information the rest of the world doesn't know, it's you. The paparazzi that flock like vultures outside local diners in the hopes of catching the number two may snap pics of him smiling to himself as he digs in, but they don't have the slightest idea what else Keigo likes to sink his teeth into.

Namely: your neck, if he's lucky; cock throbbing in your vice grip, on days you grant him permission to teethe at your skin until the splotches of color from his marks settle like satisfaction in his chest. 

But mostly— and especially, on nights like tonight— the revered, dignified hero Keigo Takami just sinks his teeth into the pillow like a goddamn whore.

Right now, as Keigo lays on his front and bites back some rather pathetic sounds, the plush pillow beneath him is looking unbearably chewable to his eyes. Your delicate hand is reaching around his body like a serpent, snaking underneath his pelvis to grip his sensitive length so carefully in your palm; and the man below you is beginning to suspect he might need another outlet for his sexual frustrations, soon.

"I c-can do that myself," Keigo releases the pillow and sputters, though his body doesn't protest in the slightest. In fact, his hips arch away from the toy positioned below, in order to allow you rightful access to his cock.

"Yeah, obviously," you answer with a squint, sliding your fingers along his length. "But I want to do it for you, so I will. Are you complaining, Kei'?"

"Mm. No," he hums the right answer, shifting comfortably to rest his cheek against the pillow and settle his weight on his knees. "But I might start complaining if you don't hurry it up. I don't take this long when I put it in you," he whines, smushing his cheek further into the fluff to resist the temptation to look down. He doesn't flinch a bit when you thread your fingers through his hair in response, practically petting him.

Still, Keigo sighs in pleasure rather than dissatisfaction when he shuts his eyes. He can't deny that your soft skin feels incredible on his cock, crackling with electric charge; but the fleshlight trapped beneath his hips is enticingly lubed and ready for him, and that simple fact is causing him to grow impatient. The way you're rubbing his tip against its entrance doesn't help in the slightest. It feels more agonizing than pleasurable, at this point.

"Stop playing with it and put it inside already," he groans. 

"Aww," you coo. "Are you feeling pent up today, Keigo?"

It's meant to be a tease, but the response you get is heartbreakingly genuine.

"A little bit, yeah," Keigo answers truthfully, cocking his head to the side for a second. His neck pops with the motion, achingly, and he cracks his neck the other way to make it look intentional. Still on his belly, he crosses his elbows and tucks his chin atop his arms. 

Keigo looks genuinely fatigued when he blinks. Black lashes rest on his cheekbones a little longer than usual today, and you're aware that the only thing hiding his prominent eye bags is a few layers of expensive, caked-on concealer. 

You swallow a pang of resentment at the sight. 

Next year, you'll be sure to make a few phone calls with some choice words and demands you refuse to budge on.

Somehow, the urge to spit an uncharacteristically shrill "let me speak to your manager" over the phone to some HPSC bigshot isn't quite as strong as the urge to spoil Keigo tonight, instead; to make your baby forget the press interviews his handlers drag him to, around this time every year. The meetups, the galas— even those photoshoots you're silently a bit thankful for because he looks so irritatingly handsome in them.

You take out your irritation on his wings, gripping the sensitive primaries in one fist. To his delight, you begin to stroke the sensitive, silky bristles along the sides of his feathers, teasing them with your fingertips.

"Woah, woah, woah," Keigo smirks. The plumage of his wingspan preens with the attention, arching into your touch like a purring, spoiled housecat. "Easy there, doll. What's gotten into you today— oh, fuck me."

The moan dies down into a pleased rumble in his chest; and before he knows it, his hips arch just like his glorious wings, grinding his backside against the pretty, pink appendage strapped to your hips by a few medieval-looking buckles.

"Nothing," you lie. "Just wanted to shut you up, but it's not working all that well." 

"Liar," he snides. "You know that makes me loud, baby."

"Wasn't exactly trying to hide that, but nice try."

Your palm finally guides his tip into the toy, slipping it deep inside while he sighs in momentary relief.

But the relief is just that. Momentary.

Keigo's hardly bottomed out for a dozen seconds before he's whining and trying to press himself back against the tip of your strap, too.

"Oh my god," you laugh genuinely, dumbfounded by how quickly he begs for the next little indulgence on the list. You're too busy popping the lid of a plastic tube and drizzling your strap with lube to babysit him; so for now, you ignore his whorish little display for attention. 

"You want it that bad, already," you ask, slicking the length and plopping the tip against his fluttering rim, giving him a few lovetaps.

"Yeah," Keigo smiles, deliriously. "Wanna feel you fucking against my prostate. Give it to me."

Cheeky. On another day, you'd deny him strap altogether for acting like he doesn't need to do anything to earn it.

"Tell me if anything feels weird," you say instead, kissing his shoulder once while you grip the tip in one hand, pressing it against his hole. "Does it feel okay?"

"Mm, yeah," he rolls his shoulders. "But can you, uh, let me just lay here a little, at first? You know, while you do your thing?"

Keigo shakes his hips in an attempt to look enticing with the shameless request. "I'll be really good. Promise."

"You're such a fucking pillow princess," you accuse as you slide inside his already prepped hole and begin to move; and just as quickly as you utter it, the pseudo-insult backfires in the form of a high pitched, utterly pleased moan below you.

"I-I can be your princess," Keigo immediately agrees, with some nods alongside each of your thrusts. When you sink into him, he sinks his teeth further into the pillow than his mind sinks to delirium— deeper than his pride sinks down to a new low. 

"I'm yours, I'm your princess," Keigo repeats. "I'm your fucking princess," he moans, reaching one hand back to claw those delicately manicured fingernails into the meat of your thigh. Each nail is meticulously cut, shaved down like the hair on his lithe body and painted an iridescent gold to match his eyes under your bedroom light.

It's whiny when he pleads, "fuck me"— and it sounds even more pathetic when he squeals it. 

With every infuriatingly slow thrust of your hips, Keigo makes a show of displaying his greed. He drags you into him, vice-grip in one hand locked in your flesh to pull it flush into his. His other hand busies itself clutching the drool-soaked pillow against his bare chest for stability.

You treat him delicately, fucking him too slow for him to even think of blowing his load? Oh, that makes him growl through his teeth.

"Just blow my back out, already!" He practically mopes, cock still throbbing in his toy. You can hear the purse of Keigo's lips, his adorable, jutted bottom lip that you're certain is wobbling at this point. 

"C'mon," he grits. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that you should, like… Keep your promises? They're no good if you don't, y'know."

There are only a few days in the year Keigo is allowed to act out like this, and he'll be damned if he doesn't capitalize on them to the fullest.

The brat's gonna put you in an early grave at this rate, you think. You may not be able to punish him today, but you certainly can give him exactly what he wants. 

And when you do give him what he wants, the reality becomes abundantly clear: he can't actually handle it.

When you speed up, he pants like a dog— or, more aptly given this pretty little position, dripping submission and precum while he gets his ass stuffed, face down— Keigo pants like a bitch.

With his tongue far too heavy for his mouth, he resorts to whimpering into the pillow— his poor little crutch. The fleshlight is still squished between his pelvis and the bed, so every thrust you grind against his ass milks his cock, too. It's impossible to keep his head clear and focused when he's stimulated on all fronts; but bless him, Keigo does try.

He tries so hard, pathetically, to focus through the sounds of his lubed cock rubbing against the wet silicone, through the full feeling stuffing his insides at the same time.

Yet even still, it's not enough for him. He snarls in frustration as he shoves his hand between his thighs to adjust the cocksleeve, angled so he can stuff more of his cock in it, enveloped down to his base and pressing near-painfully against his balls. 

Fuckin' perfect, he sighs, finally able to direct his attention to his lovely partner digging out his guts from behind.

"Make me your b-b—" He starts and trails off, brows pinched with effort. "Make me yours," he corrects.

Oh? You tuck that little tidbit away.

You suppose it's been countless minutes since you began railing the poor, whimpering pup beneath you. That is, if you were to judge by the rasp in his voice that builds each time he cries his heart out.

Keigo is, despite it all, a very, very good boy. He gives you his visual cues when he feels that telltale tingling in the swollen, blushing tip of his cock; the one that lets him know how close he really is to bursting along the edge. He tenses his already defined muscles and looks back at you with the cutest puppydog eyes, just to make sure you know he's close. 

"I'm gonna cum," he warns verbally, too.

But you don't stop.

If his muscles weren't tense enough before, they certainly are now.

"Baby?" Keigo near-panics, turning a bit to gaze up at you pleadingly. Your floral bed sheets twist into spirals under each of his fists, wrung in a manner not unlike his cock. "Baby, I-I said I was gonna cum."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time." You peer down your nose and eye the bead of sweat that slithers down his neck. 

You watch the tremble of Keigo's hips as he does his best to keep his position poised like a prized showdog, dutifully still. He resists the urge to meet your strokes, instead offering every scrap of control to you as he lets the length of your strap carve out his insides. With every angled rock of your hips, the tip of your curved cock rubs against his poor prostate, stimulating it and making it a nightmare of an endurance test to hold himself back from spilling.

Habit is a powerful thing. Of course, Keigo's body recognizes the familiarity of this song and dance. His cock, ever well-trained, expects you to deny its release; to still your hips and cause his balls to ache, heavy with deprivation, just like you always do.

But tonight, you don't stop. 

Your hands are still gripping his hips and your strap buckles are still clinking with your desperate movements. Your pelvis keeps pressing him deeper, manually pushing him in and out of the toy below; and he begrudgingly accepts your generosity, because it's possible that you just felt a little altruistic today. 

After all, it is his—

"I'm gonna cum," Keigo whimpers. "Fuck, baby, I'm gonna cum!" 

And with his nails tearing at the sheets, Keigo's world goes white; almost as white as the sticky mess he makes of his poor little toy, tip flooding it with rope after rope from his throbbing cock.

It rings in his ears when he climaxes, overloading his poor brain with endorphins and making him scream into the pillow he chomps down on.

Still, your delicate hands guide his hips back and forth, ignoring his babbling to watch him fuck his own cum into the toy. 

If it pleases you to watch Keigo continue the motion long after your hands have retreated, you keep it to yourself.

"Ah," he nearly shrieks, high pitched and pretty. "Too much! Ah, fuck, baby, please—"

"Yeah? How does it feel, sweetheart?"

"W-Wet," Keigo hiccups, hips stuttering just the same as his voice. He paws at the sheets when he continues, kneading them in his palms like a kitten. "So fucking wet."

"Mhm," you hum, sitting back on your haunches. You decide to make him use his words for your entertainment, to sate your indignance at his prior tantrums. "And why is that, babe?"

Your palms slide possessively down his hips and up the curvature of his back, meeting his arch. They trail toward his shoulder blades, fingers splayed as Keigo tries to chase them; and to your amusement, he hardly looks to be in the proper state to process the fact that he's actually being mocked, let alone protest it. 

To Keigo, all he knows is it simply feels good.

Keigo answers obediently, instead. It takes you by surprise, the way his unabashed filth spills without shame. Arousal pools between your thighs, but your body remains still— if only to watch the way he fucks himself on your cock, balls deep before he does the same using his own to the fleshlight below.

"Because it's stuffed full of my cum. It's s-so wet, full— fuck," he slurs, voice airy and utterly uncontrolled when he draws his hips back onto your thick, pink strap, down till his ass meets your pelvis; and he thrusts his cock back inside the toy, the subsequent shlick somehow louder than how he runs his mouth. 

Back and forth, in and out, Keigo irreverently milks himself from both ends. The motion of it smears his own spent along the sides of his cock, acting as the most obscene lubricant. It's messy, unbearably loud in its slick sounds.

It must sound as satisfying to hump as it feels, Keigo thinks. His lip wobbles at the thought, hoping it impresses you, and he bites the pillow below him.

"Aww, it's full?" You don't bother to muffle your laughs as you kneel behind him, simply watching as the once-powerful hero below you does all the work and fucks the snark out of himself, for you. The sound of your condescending laughter breaks him, whittling down his vocabulary as his mind sinks to that familiar, fuzzy place.

The silicone is unbearably tight around his length, even though you were careful to pick one out that he could fit into. The thickness and length of Keigo's cock does tend to make shopping for toys a chore, you muse.

You're not complaining, though. You'll take a couple extra hours of scrolling through fleshlight reviews on forums for the well-endowed before making a purchase, if it means you can keep getting split open by his massive cock when he bends you over the bathroom vanity.

Or the kitchen counter. Or the leather couch in your living room. Or the nearest single-stall restroom sink after you accidentally call him something you shouldn't have in public.

But tonight, the nicknames you call him sound nothing like "sir."

They sound like "puppy", like "sweetheart", like "good boy."

The ribbed, silicone rings inside are designed to squeeze his cock with each stroke. It normally feels simply pleasurable; though, after an orgasm that explosive, his cock feels nearly raw in its sensitivity, nerves exposed like live wiring and sparking electricity all the same.

"It hurts," Keigo squeaks through his fat, wet tears; and you begin to pull out and fuss over him. 

That is, until he wails and grips your thigh close in his claws.

"Wait, I want it to! Don't pull out, please don't, please don't pull out. I was so close," he slurs.

"Already?" Your face scrunches with disbelief.

"Uh huh," he nods furiously.

And just like that, your grandiose plans of discovering how much is too much for the glutton end up fizzling out. 

"Figures you'd be into overstimulation," you roll your eyes, palm slapping once against his behind as you watch it go from fleshy peach to red. "Whore."

"Huh?" Keigo drools. He sounds like a lost puppy, brain too fuzzy to register a single word— well, other than whore, but that's only because that word made his cock feel kind of nice.

"Not gonna remember a damn word you said tomorrow, are you," you ask, watching him rock his hips in desperation, drowning in his own pleasure. "Too lost when you get fucked, huh, puppy?"

"Mm-mm," Keigo shakes his head furiously, blonde tufts sticking up like stray feathers. At the sight of it, you're overcome with a sudden urge to claw at his scalp. 

"Mm! Love you," he adds for seemingly no reason when you yank his neck back by the roots, throat bobbing with his strained swallow.

Heart pounding like the percussion of a heavy metal drum with moans just as erotic, skin slick with sweat and cock wet with his own release; this is the man Keigo is reduced to as you take charge once more. You bully his prostate, thighs burning with effort and breath panting in his ear. Your left hand releases his scalp to grip his jaw and keep his back arched into your chest, while your right shamelessly milks his cock, fleshlight in hand.

It's too much. His moans are broken, climbing in pitch like a crescendo until the dam breaks and his mind shatters once more. 

You know how loud Keigo can be. You're well aware, well prepared; yet, like every time you make him sob and scream when he cums, it travels between your legs like lightning, regardless. 

After he collapses into the sheets, it takes Keigo ages to catch his breath. His body still shudders and twitches with the aftershocks of his orgasm, wings flapping twice before tucking against his shoulder blades, submissively. 

There's drool on the pillowcase, you note; and it's been chewed to bits.

When you pull out, he gasps. You rub the tip against his twitching rim in an attempt to soothe him, and his gasp settles into a sigh.

"Good?" You're out of breath, yourself, when you dare to ask. "You look like you lost one of your nine lives, for a second."

"Eh, it was alright," he smirks. "Could you do it again? I wasn't paying attention."

"Shut the fuck up," you slam the pillow against his side. "You're such a brat."

"You love it," Keigo teases, rolling onto his back and stretching. He exposes his belly. Blissfully comfortable, fucked-out, and entirely satiated.

His eyes nevertheless catch between your legs as you unbuckle the strap and let it fall unceremoniously. He wets his lip and swallows, pupils dilating.

"C'mere," Keigo says, making grabby hands. Expectant, he shifts in eager anticipation, settling into an acceptably comfortable position as you place your thighs on either side of his head— he won't be moving for quite some time, after all. 

"Oh," you add, pretending as if you suddenly remembered something. "And Keigo?" 

"Mhm?" He hums, craning his neck toward your core, eager to lap himself another helping to fill.

"Happy birthday, baby."

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

I agree with you about your stances on punishment, and I think it's so important to see that perspective instead of the more common one. I do not want to live in a world with the death penalty or prison.

But I'm very curious how you got to the point where you want your abuser to be happy. Capital H happy. I've never seen that before. I think it's great, and it must've taken a lot of time, and if it's not too personal, I'd like to hear about the process. If not to help myself, to help someone else. I'm personally very very jaded to the whole "forgiveness" mentality (it seems very catholic to me somehow? I forgive you so I'm better than you?) But the way you put it feels different somehow. Sorry for picking your brain, and if it's too personal I totally get it. Thanks for your time.

Thank you for this question.

Hm, it's a tough one. It may be informed by my lack of any singular capital-A Abuser. Certainly, I have had people who were abusive to me longer term (my mother especially), but for the most part it was many dozens of adults in single instances or shorter term situations during my childhood and teenage years that raped or otherwise harmed me. That lack of any singular individual to act as a locus for all the damage may have made it easier for me to come to a point where I wish them well.

I remember being 19, face in my toilet bowl, puking my guts up after downing a fifth of rum in an hour or two. I think it was a Thursday. I understood my mother for the first time. I wanted to stop drinking, and I didn't know why I couldn't.

My roommate at the time slept on a mattress on the floor in the living room. He left his family the day he turned 18 and took the Greyhound across the country to crash with me. We were good friends when he got here, but my negligence and failure to control my drug use ruined that relationship within a few months. He stayed with me for two years. He didn't have other options.

I don't remember those years well at all. Besides various temp jobs, all I did was drink, get fucked up, and make messes I never cleaned up. It was a one bedroom apartment and I had the bedroom, he couldn't really go anywhere. He didn't really know anyone. I was a fucking terror to live with, and a terror he couldn't even really get away from.

And I didn't mean to be that way. I didn't mean to hurt him with my dereliction. But it doesn't matter, y'know, impact is more important than intent. I fucked up bad.

Eventually he left. I was and still am filled with remorse for putting him through what I did. Maybe this perspective is the christian upbringing, maybe it's twelve step bullshit, but often I see my feelings as very self serving. I can justify just about anything, as long as I use enough self pity. But this feeling was different. It was just... remorse, pure and unfiltered. No rationalizations as to how it wasn't really my fault, no equivocations, no blaming outside factors, just acknowledgement that I fucked up and I hurt someone I loved. I was sorry that I had done that.

Humility does not come naturally to me. This was a humbling experience.

I--and everyone I've ever met, everyone who ever harmed me--am a human being. No more, no less. In each of us is potential both to love deeply and to do great harm to others. No one is without both these potentials.

It comes down to this: what I wish for myself, I must wish for all.

Do not mistake me here--this does not neatly translate into a pragmatic political position. For me, this is simply some sort of spirituality, that is to say, how I strive to navigate my life, day at a time, in the world as I find it. This is as small scale as it can get.

I understand that feeling about forgiveness you mention. What I have to say about it probably won't help the christian connotation; I am an atheist and a subjectivist, though obviously culturally evangelical. Maybe it is that last part that influences this next, but I don't feel I have the authority to forgive anyone. Or, in another word, 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'

Now, of course, I believe in neither god nor sin, but I do believe in harm. 'Let he who is not capable of such harm cast the first stone,' perhaps. Not all harm is equivalent, certainly, but no one is innately capable or incapable of greater harm than others. The ability to actually do harm is relative to relations to power, no doubt, but a given power relation is not innate.

So yeah I end up back at 'i have no moral high ground over or under anyone else, the forgiveness is neither mine to give nor withhold,' which frankly is a rather christian viewpoint.

There's this idea in Judaism that has stuck with me for the last few years: tikkun olam. To repair the world. What must I do to ensure my part in that repair happens?

There is so little I have control of. The only thing I can change is what I do. If the world around me is hardened and cruel, why must I adopt that cruelty into myself? Will it get me better outcomes in life? Perhaps, perhaps not. I have found it hasn't, but others may find it has. But that's talking about results. And I don't have power over results.

I cannot change the world, cannot repair it alone. But I think I can work to repair myself, and in the process, the smallest portion of the world may be repaired alongside me. Maybe, maybe not. It becomes a matter of faith. Or to put it in a therapeutic framing, it's an 'even if.'

I'll end with this, an old twelve step saying: "resentments are like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting the other person to die."

What is a resentment? Re- as in once more. -sent, as in sentiment. Feeling something once more. It is the reanimated corpse of a feeling, not the feeling itself. It looks like the feeling you know, maybe walks and talks like it too. But it's rotting away. It died long ago. So why should you pretend the corpse is alive? It moves, it rasps, but it's something else now; it only shares a body with the original, nothing else. So maybe it's time to let go, and begin to move forward.

[paintthetownblack]

Another Night

Eric x reader

Part I ; Part II ; Part III

A goofier take on sharing a coffin with Eric, and some revelations that pull the plot along.

-

Pam refused any and all words from Eric beyond that point, and took her diamond quilted pink coffin, first I had seen it, into the former dungeon, carrying it like a sulking toddler all the way across the main room, to get as far away from me as possible. She saw me as a kind of liability, I couldn't argue with her.

Eric pretended not to care about her silent protest, "if you were really serious about it, you'd go to ground out in the woods." He told her.

"I would, if it weren't already light out." She responded, before slamming the basement door. I can't understand how she manged it. And just before she did, Eric got in one last line "It shouldn't stop you." He certainly didn't mean that. I had only been there three months, as a mere employee, and two days as Eric's human, but I already knew he would rather meet the sun himself than let Pam do it.

Annoyed with his progeny, he took me into the "coffin room". There, like a pile of unused chairs, stood stacked in a corner, a couple of standard coffins. "Who do those belong to?"

"They belonged to vampires who were with us, through the decades. Obviously, they are no longer. Come." I had been so distracted by the idea of ghost vampires eyeing me from behind those coffins, that I missed the double coffin with its red lining peaking out from the edges of the lid. "You're not claustrophobic, are you?" He said, as a way of lightening the mood.

"A bit late to ask me that." Luckily, I wasn't really.

He opened the lid, the lining glowed from inside like a pool of blood. I didn't know why, but I felt suddenly hesitant to sleep next to him. It sounded in my mind more intimate than sex. I knew he was weakened by the sunlight outside, and I was somehow afraid to be next to him, when I felt he was vulnerable. I must have internalized Pam's attitude. But he took my hand and helped me inside, and in feeling his touch, I got a reprieve from my thoughts. For a second there, it was all warm and fuzzy inside my brain.

He let the lid close, and we were in darkness. Eric was completely motionless, as I struggled to find a position. I laid on my back, but my neck bothered me, so I turned to my side, to face away from him, and coming up so close to the fabric lined wooden plank made me claustrophobic, I flipped to my back again, still not comfortable, so I turned to face Eric. "Wanna swap?" I whispered, fully aware of the absurdity of the situation.

"No." I just knew he was smiling, even though I couldn't see him.

"Fine." I fluffed my pillow a bit, barely keeping myself from laughing, as the absurdity increased, and then I settled down somewhat. I bent one knee and nudged him. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, just go to sleep."

"Can I try something?"

"Can you try it quietly?"

I put my arm across him, and leaned by head on his shoulder, that was the neck support I was looking for. He didn't make a sound, or a gesture, which I took to mean he didn't mind me, so I could drift off.

I woke up at some point, during the late afternoon, Eric was still asleep, and I tried not to stir too much, as I pushed the lid ajar and snuck a peak outside. I threw one leg out over the edge, braced my weight against the ground with one hand, and slid out, rolling onto the floor. I would have made a lesser commotion, getting out the normal way. The normal way of getting out of a coffin, the kind of thing I never thought I'd contemplate. Most people only went into coffins, with assistance, of course, and never came back out. There was a rebirth metaphor somewhere in that, and I felt inclined to contemplate it, as I went outside.

The sunset was just a sliver of orange glow on the far horizon now, the warmth of the day still fresh and radiating from the asphalt around me. I could almost hear the distance between myself and the rest of the world, knowing it was just me and the two vampires inside, for miles in each direction.

The door opened behind me, it didn't startle me, it was Eric, his shirt open, his hair messy. "How are you-" I had started.

"The sun is low enough, I'll be fine." He said inspecting the sky, appearing not entirely convinced it was safe for him, but not finding any resistance.

There was Eric Northman, standing against this flame blue and orange sunset, with his guard down, not even stopping to fix his hair, it was like a moment suspended outside of time and space. It should have been impossible.

It comes at a cost. Was the line that echoed through my mind, out of nowhere. Catastrophic thinking. Always ran in the family. I tried to soothe it away, but it had taken over, and spoiled the warm halo descending around the building. Before long, it was pitch black. We hadn't said a word for a long time.

I went towards Eric, he was watching me intently. I stopped about a foot in front of him, and saw his eyes change, like he had just made peace with something, settled into an abstract idea. I outstretched my hands, and he grasped them. "Let's go for a drive." I said. He didn't hesitate, he popped inside, into his office, to get the car keys. When he re-emerged, his shirt was done up neatly, and his hair was smoothed down, he had stopped by a mirror, evidently. But he tossed the keys my way, which surprised me, though I caught them.

I was driving, that was a level of agency above what I expected. We got into his Corvette and did as teenagers do, when they want for privacy, we drove out to a makeout point near Bon Temps, a plateau on the edge of the woods, overlooking the town. There were no other cars, and I was starting to feel the embarrassment, for having driven there. Eric, on the other hand, was having quite the time, fluttering his eyelashes in the passenger seat "Did you bring me here to seduce me?"

"I brought you here, because the view is pretty. But not as pretty as you." Playing into the joke, I felt more at ease.

"Stop. You're making me blush." He had resumed his smoldering gaze and serious tone. "You are beautiful. I don't think I told you that before. For that, I am sorry." I was taken aback by that. We had lost all levity in a few words, but they were lovely words I didn't think I'd hear. And I liked hearing them. I didn't miss the levity.

"You are beautiful." I meant it, but I didn't know if he would believe. "Eric." I held his eyes, his big blue eyes, there was so much emotion in them, when he let them show it, but he often blocked it out, with his unapproachable smug act.

"Anything?" He raised his eyebrows.

"No, nothing." He seemed almost disappointed. And then he leaned over to kiss the top of my head.

The stars shone through the windshield and bathed us in a hazy glow. The windshield was dusty as well, and it added to the mood. There hadn't been a cloud in the sky all summer. That was a consolatory thought, for some reason.

I unhooked my seatbelt and moved over, up on Eric's lap. I pushed aside the hair on my neck, and leaned towards him. His fangs popped out. I held his shoulders, I could feel the muscle striations under my fingertips, it was anchoring. He bit me, holding the back of my head with a kind of care that said volumes. My whole body was aching for him, I felt my pulse reach down between my legs. What was it about my bloodline that made being bitten by a vampire seem so erotic? If that was even to blame.

Eric let go, and pulled my head down to his shoulder. I let the intensity wash over me. And I listened. There obviously was no heartbeat to listen to, there was mine, and it was rapid. However, next to it, I was hearing another rhythm, slower, less even, not a heart, a sea, with waves lapping at the shore. I could smell it, and I could see it. It was clear and cold, and the eyes through which I was seeing were low to the ground and moving sporadically across the beach, they seemed to be the eyes of a child.

I lifted my head, some of my hair got caught in his stubble. I brushed it down, I took the opportunity to graze his cheek "what were you thinking just now? What was in your mind?"

"What?" He was surprised, to the point where some of his swedish accent came through "it was an ancient memory. I was a child when it happened. Playing on the beach, watching the sea." He understood why I had asked and he shifted between amazement and concern. I got the sense that he was someone who, though afraid of vulnerability, very much wanted to be understood.

"It's a beautiful memory." I tucked some of his hair behind his ears. It was too short to stay. There was blood pooling in his eyes. I didn't know what I'd say to comfort a one thousand year old viking warrior vampire, so I kept smoothing his hair down, and it seemed to help.

"It's your blood."

"I know." I had just come to the same realization. Everytime he drank my blood, I got inside his mind.

"I hate to break up this lovely moment, but we should speak to Pamela about this."

"She is going to love this development." I rearranged myself in the driver's seat.

Eric wiped away a tear, and used it to heal the bite marks with, not looking towards me. "Are you good to drive?"

I nodded and started the engine. We made good time towards Fangtasia. Eric kept his window lowered the whole way, looking out contemplatively, gravely. We arrived to find the "closed" sign on the door. Eric's exasperated face told me this would be interesting.

He got out of the car and went inside with vampire speed. When I caught up, I saw him, arms crossed, looking unimpressed, as Pam was sinking her fangs in the femoral artery of a young girl in a silvery sequin dress. Pam raised her head, and the girl gasped. "A little privacy?" She turned slowly and defiantly towards her maker.

"Fine. Wrap up here and meet me in my office. We have important business to discuss." I went after him, feeling all the uncomfortable feelings of being walked in on by your parents, while understanding what it was like to be the parent, at the same time.

We were joined by Pam not much later, she had wiped the blood from her face and reapplied her powder and lipstick, she looked like a porcelain doll. "This better be good."

"It is." Eric responded from his desk chair. "I need you to think of something-"

"Of course, I'm the only one doing any rational thinking around here anyway."

"Cute. I need you to go to a memory, whatever specific memory. Actually, pick something from before she was born."

"That's not difficult, she's practically five minutes old." Pam closed her eyes, raised her eyebrows, tilted her head "done."

"Anything?" Eric looked at me.

I shook my head. As I stood in front of Pam, I came up blank. I took her hands, she opened her eyes, and looked at me disapprovingly. But I was looking on a newspaper page. San Francisco Examiner, 1888, "The Whitechapel Fiend?" I asked her. She stepped away from me and took her hands from mine.

"That would be Jack the Ripper to you. I was around when he was just getting started." She stood at a right angle from me, arms crossed, processing. "So you are a telepath afterall."

"There is a catch. Only when I've recently drunk her blood, can she tap into memories." Eric explained, resting his feet up on his desk.

I was like a pillar in the middle of the office, or Pam was using me as such. She stood with her arms crossed in front of me, and each time she spoke towards Eric, she leaned past my frame, then she retreated. And I was shorter than her, so it must have been comical, from where Eric was sitting.

"So her blood is in you, which means that she can see into your thoughts. And, because you're my maker, and we share the same bloodline, she can also see into my thoughts."

"On a smaller scale, but yes." Eric added.

"Just like a vampire."

"Lasts less than a day, though."

"What is she again?"

"She doesn't know." I answered her.

"Adorable." Sarcastic to the bone. "Anything else you'd like to add?"

"You were scared." I said, not sure whether I should have. "You were only seventeen, and you were scared." I felt for her, but I also wanted to humble her, if that was at all possible. And I wanted to hug her, but I was afraid of what she would do, if I tried. Eric gave her a sympathetic look, though.

"It was mass hysteria. We were across the ocean from the action, and we thought we were in danger. It was nonsense." She went to lean against the desk, back to Eric.

"I don't think it was nonsense."

"Here's what definitely is. Keeping you around. We know the extent of her powers now, and, thank fuck, the effect of her blood is temporary. She is dangerous to have around, and she has nothing on us, Eric. Let. Her. Go."

Eric was about to interject, when we started to hear a police siren approaching.

Part V

[starberry-cupcake]

*doing a recap as I suffer listening to my football/soccer team go through it in another tab, I'd wait but I want to finish day one of nona today because Things are happening tomorrow*

previously, in nona del 9:

this happened

this is the general tag for those catching this recap loose in the wild

also, I don't wanna put this person out there like that, so I'm not sharing url, but I want to apologize personally to them for not starting these recaps from the beginning (I didn't know this was going to happen)

and also please don't let me deter you from reading these books if I'm unfunny, I can't live with that burden

please read them anyway

I was telling @lady-harrowhark how I feel I'm embarrassing her in front of fandom famous people and now I feel I'm embarrassing all of you, I'm so sorry

CHAPTER 6 (sixth house skull babeeeyyyyyy)

people are having trouble with the economy, employment and political strife

so, we're not doing a lot better in the future, is what I'm hearing

this is not the sci fi future I'd like to see, folks

some people are like "at least with the houses people knew who had to pay them"

I think we've all lived in situations where we had to hear someone say something like this

camilla asks nona if she would want to leave to the idyllic farming fairy tale pyrrha imagines they could run away into

(not that it doesn't sound nice, but that's so unlikely pyrrha, I mean, come on)

nona says she doesn't because she loves it there

which means nothing, because nona loves everything

the bar isn't super high here

after a bath and reading the advice column (?) nona asks camilla to tell her the story of how they met her

(kinda wild that this part coincided with penalty kicks in the game, not that I'm live blogging the match, just thought I'd take you on a full experience here)

(we won, but my blood pressure was put to the test and now I can come back to re capping properly)

(I'm still not used to the paperback thing and I'm live-reading rather than finishing a chapter and doing a recap as I used to)

(still haven't found my footing here)

so, there's a lot of info here but, at the same time, not enough info, you get me?

isn't that just the tlt experience, though???

isn't that what we love????

crafting theories and getting tangled with the red yarn???

we're all connected with the red thread of conspiracy

camilla and palmolive were trying to communicate and they knew "she" was in trouble

which refers to nona, but I assume it's not nona yet, I assume they're talking about...harrow??

camilla says that "she" disappeared but they found "her" and pyrrha and "she" was hurt

pyrrha helped them escape, but they lost ships and people and "something very important"

is that gideon's body?????? is that "something very important" gideon's body???????

DON'T LOSE GIDEON'S BODY, PLEASE!!!

WE NEED THAT!!!

WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THAT!!!

so, camolive and pyrrha asked to be able to keep "her" and we suffer interceded for them at that time

and then palmolive convinced "the Oversight Body" and the sixth house to evacuate

I don't know what the "oversight body" is

if they lost gideon's body, that's definitely an oversight

palmolive chose 16 people to talk to BOE

I'm sure one of them was his mom, she was cool, I liked her

I didn't realize that was his mom reading the story until someone pointed it out, though

I embarrassed myself there

ANYWAY

THEN nona woke up

after they lived together for a while, the light in the sky appeared and, according to camilla, BOE betrayed them

or wasn't able to protect them anymore

they're fucked, is the overall important thing to take from it

idk if this is why coronabeer and palmolive aren't in speaking terms right now

they mention the sixth house people being lost, or at least nona asks if she can help find them if she remembers who she is

also, awake me up inside seems to have been we suffer's boss

so she has beef with pyrrha

according to camilla, it's because pyrrha was best friends with the person who killed her

idk if camilla and/or we suffer know the whole thing about pyrrha and og!gideon being intimate with commander wakey wakey, though

also, incredibly important

this is essential information

kevin is good at origami

we love kevin

JOHN 5:20

we've established in the first one that these are bible verses

the previous one (20:8) was about the empty tomb

for the record, it was: "Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed."

this one is: "For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed."

dr reverend emperor john asshat is still talking (to harrow???)

of course he's still talking, he loves the sound of his own voice

he's telling her about how he got where he got with his lyctor buddies

apparently, his cryogenics plan was cancelled in both senses of the word

it was stopped from continuing to run

and it got into the press, so people started panicking about the end of the world and everything was going to shit

important to note that C and N were dating, and I guess this is Cassiopeia and Nigella? because Cyrus is also a C but since Nigella is Cassiopeia's cav, I'm gonna go for that option

good for them, we love cassiopeia

she had ceramics and was sixth house

also, augustine is being dramatic, but what else is new

they also were collecting bodies to test on and weren't able to cremate them anymore because of the experiments made on them

for personal family and country history reasons, I'm not gonna make jokes about that one

but it was something to note from the conversation that seems to be important for later

now, here it gets complicated

because dr reverend emperor john keeps drop naming people

or drop letter-ing?

and naming planets in our system

pyrrha was a cop, apparently

very evident in her behavior

and then he says that, because of the press, he wasn't going to be allowed to work again

and also says: "I sure as hell wouldn't be allowed to work on anything else to do with you"

in the last one, he said "Harrowhark" when interacting, so I took it this could be harrow's soul or whatever

but that doesn't add up with this????

because then he starts talking about this "you" being sick and not telling them, so I'm starting to wonder if this is ice cube barbie aka annabell lee aka AL aka The Body

so, dr john goes on some breakthrough spree and mercygirl says he's probably on coke (among other things)

and he says "coke zero"

I'm a coke zero girlie and you're not welcome here, mr man

you're not like me

he has some bodies which are his "favorites"

and when the Powers That Be shut them down and cut the electricity from them

(because they were using 3% of the country's electricity)

(fuck them tbh)

all the bodies collapsed, except from the ones he had "touched" and "loved"

ALLEGEDLY

ALSO, he again calls her "Harrow"

which ??????????????????????????????????????????

how is this harrow and also whoever was sick back then, who I thought was ice cube barbie????????

what's happening????????????????????

the chapter ends with the word "incorrupti"

which is either a typo or something's going on there

could be either, could be both

AND THAT'S IT FOR DAY 1!!!! we're moving ahead!!!!

[russellsppttemplates]

Papa loves you so much, princess (Mick Schumacher)

Mick and Y/N find out their family is growing

Note: english is not my first language. this is another long piece that I hope you enjoy! I have been talking about this since January, so this is ver long overdue!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: mentions reader's period and pregnancy

Getting up from the bed, you were fortunately quick enough to reach the bathroom in time to pour your guts out on the toilet, leaning on the toilet's side to support your torso. You were already up by the time Mick walked inside the bathroom, his sleepy expression with some traces of concern, "I told you I shouldn't have had that last piece of dessert", you pointed your finger at him through the mirror while you splashed your face, "you kept looking at it like you were a dog that was abandoned on the road, and then when I asked if you wanted my piece, I swear I saw happy tears in your eyes", your husband teased you, rubbing your back in a comforting manner, "do you want me to get you anything?", he asked, "just some cuddles in bed should do the trick", you muttered, allowing him to carry you back to the bed for a few more hours of hopefully uninterrupted sleep.

.

After leaving work, you stopped by the grocery store since you and Mick had noticed you were running low and running out of a few items at home, "we just had a snack break and the next part of the meeting should be the last one, I'm sorry I'm not helping you", he said over the phone while you browsed the aisles, "it's okay, handsome. You can still help me out here, though. I'm the cleaning section and I already have dish soap and the spray for the wooden cabinets, anything else?", you asked, earning a negative answer from him, "no, that's all I think. Next is the bathroom one, right? We are running low on toilet paper, and I used the last plaster yesterday. You only had one box of tampons in the cabinet so given that you are about to have your period, see if you need more of them", he pointed out, grabbing your attention to the matter. It should have started by now, you checked the date on your watch. And you were never late.

"We also need those tissues you keep on your bedside table, I used some today and I noticed they were the last ones", you could hear the smile on his voice, "alright, bub. I'll see you at home, have a good meeting!", you dialed off, grabbing the things he mentioned before looking at the pharmacy section.

You were never late, so it had to be this, right? Barring any other health situations, all of your symptoms aligned with pregnancy symptoms: you had been nauseous, feeling sick (and maybe it wasn't the stolen dessert's fault), you kept falling asleep whenever you rested on the sofa at home and Corinna had complimented the way one of your summer dresses fitted you, claiming that the neckline looked beautiful on you. And you and Mick had been trying, not with a whole calendar but rather just not using protection and seeing where it led you, and maybe this was it. Grabbing two boxes for the sake of it, you put them in your shopping trolley before heading to the till to pay for everything so you could go home.

When Mick got home, dinner was already on the table while you also fed Angie her own dinner, his kiss on your forehead coming with an apology for having arrived just in time for it, "no need to apologise, myself and miss Angie kept ourselves busy", you petted her soft fur before heading to wash your hands, joining Mick at the table and enjoying the meal.

"Does it taste okay to you?", you asked Mick, the taste of the broccoli seemingly off to you, "yes, tastes like this dish always tastes. It's very good, why do you ask?", he questioned, "I don't know, tastes funny to me", you mumbled, using your fork and knife to push the green vegetable to the edge of your plate, "maybe you got a bad one", he noted. That was another symptom, you thought, remembering when one of your friends couldn't eat her favourite meal while she was pregnant because she claimed it tasted different.

"Actually, I've been having a few symptoms, and they are all compatible with-", you were interrupted by your husband, "pregnancy", he smiled, seeing your brushed and stunned face, "I've noticed them too. You haven't told me you are craving your usual sweets when you're on your period, your boobs look even more amazing but the moment I so much as graze my finger in the skin you hiss because of the pain, you're not one to take naps during the day but the moment your head hits the pillow you're out like a light, and it's not common for you to have a bad stomach", he reasoned, making you blush even harder, "Why didn't you say something though?", you asked softly.

Mick shrugged his shoulders, "I just didn't want to burden you, or maybe I was keeping my hopes up and I didn't want to ruin yours, or point out something about your body like that, I'd never want to do so in a way that could be harmful", he answered apologetically, making your get up and go sit on his lap, "you could've said something, I wouldn't be offended, I think anyway, apparently pregnant women get mood swings so I can't speak for sure", you shrugged your shoulders, "truth is, I got some pregnancy tests at the store today because I also thought the same thing, but I wanted to do them with you", you looked at him, "but I don't know how to deal with this hope, like, I could just have some bug, but it is also true that everything checks out...", you fiddled and played with his fingers, "we take it step by step, if you'd like", your husband began softly, "and if you're not pregnant, we can keep trying", he explained, grabbing your hand once you nodded, heading to the bathroom so you could do the tests.

The plastic sticks were on the counter, Angie lying on the bathroom floor while Mick sat on the edge of the tub wirh you on his lap, "just a little bit more, liebling", he kissed the side of your head, "I'm sorry", you whispered, gaining his questioning look, "if I'm not pregnant, I got both of our hopes up for nothing", you explained, feeling his fingers lift your chin up to look into his eyes, "no need to apoligise, liebling. We just keep trying, it's not like we mind trying", he winked, looking at his watch to see the time was up, "I'm ready when you are", he said soflty.

You got up, picking up the sticks and seeing that both of them had the same information, "it won't be trying for a baby, but I've heard that sex while you're pregnant is a whole another level of sensations", you smiled at Mick, showing him the positive results.

"We're having a baby?", Mick mumbled, still not sure if he had grasped what you said in the right way, "we are, baby Schumacher is going to be here in nine months", you cried out, smiling as Mick cuddled you, his arms circling your before spinning you, "Angie! You're going to be a big sister!", Mick said once he put you down.

.

"I remember reading about these old wives' that help you guess the gender of the baby, and your grandmother did some on me for both of you and they turned out pretty accurate, I think", Corinna said as she sat in the outdoor sofa in front of you.

Since Gina was visiting, you and Mick decided to invite her and Corinna to spend the day together, Angie sitting next to her auntie while you sat next to Mick, "Oh, that would be fun!", Gina said as she straightened her back, picking up her phone so she could look them up on the Internet while Corinna started with the ones she knew, "they say that if you have a pointed belly towards the front, it means you're having a boy, and if you have a rounder bump and wider hips, it means it's a baby girl", she said, seeing Mick quickly ask for you consent before he helped you stand as he lifted your t-shirt, "what do we think? Pointy or not so much?", you did a turn around yourself, "I think it's rounder", Mick said earning a nod from his mother, "me too", Gina said, "but I've always had wider and rounder hips", you tried to reason as Gina wrote girl and a stick next to it to help count.

"The next one was that sweet cravings were sign of a baby girl, and salty cravings were sign of a baby boy", and Mick wiped the smug smile off his face, "I've been eating a lot of savoury stuff", you nudged your husband while his sister wrote down the tie.

Gina opened the lunar calendar on her phone while the four of you looked at all the details they asked for, "it's a girl according to this one!", Mick yelled way too close to your ear, "another point for babygirl then", you said, cuddling back to his side and giggling at everyone's exciting.

You saw and tested a couple more and, without realising it, you tried the last one without noticing it was the last, only for it to make another tie between babyboy and babygirl, "so that's it?", Mick said, not expecting it to turn out like this, "you just have to wait and see, you know, like all the people do because you can know for sure on the ultrasound", Gina teased him.

.

Once you got to the OB/GYN, Mick offered to go get you checked in at the desk while you went to find a comfortable chair to sit in while you waited, "final bet: are they a baby boy or a baby girl?", Mick said once he sat down with you, his hand holding yours to calm down your nervous thoughts. The ultrasounds always made you nervous, always wondering if everything was alright and as it should be, so having Mick there to support you and distract you was appreciated, "I think they're a baby boy, and he looks like his papa", you cradled his cheek on your palm, "I think they're a baby girl, and she has your kindness and empathy. It's just my gut feeling", he smiled, kissing the top of your head while he moved your conjointed hands to rest on your bump, feeling the baby kick, "not my chubby cheeks?", you playfully gasped, "what can I say? I think the Schumacher genes are much too strong", he teased you, looking up to the door when your name was called.

Entering the room and greeting your doctor, she asked you a couple of questions before asking you to lay on the little bed, the gel cold on your bump as she moved the wand around, "okay, everything looks good, strong heartbeat for little one and mother as well", she smiled, "I can see it. Do you still want to know?", she asked one last time, earning a nod from both you and Mick, "you're going to have a baby girl, congratulations!", she announced.

Your hand squeezed Mick's, feeling him press a kiss to the top of your head as you both looked at your baby on the screen, "we're having a little girl? Liebling, it's a little girl", he said, his eyes tearing up as he kept looking at the screen. Despite having feelings and guesses about it, neither of you didn't have any preference, feeling happy just with the idea that you were carrying a combination of you and Mick, but you couldn't help but get all goddy as you imagined Mick with a little daughter, knowing she would have him wrapped around her finger from the moment she was born. Even thinking now, she has him wrapped around her finger since you both found out you were pregnant.

"She looks good, there isn't anything that looks concerning. The measurements are all within the norm, everything looks good. Congratulations, mama and papa!", she smiled, "do you want copies to take home?".

While she went to get the slightly exaggerated number of copies of baby Schumacher (Mick wanted everyone that was important in his life to have one), your husband helped you clean the skin on your bump, "are you happy?", you looked at him, not seeing any signs of uneasiness but feeling his a little bit tense, "I am, liebling", he said, "but she's going to be here soon, you know? Little one is growing so fast, I can't believe we're past the half way point", he admitted, "I just don't want to disappoint any of you", he gulped, making you craddle his face with your hands, "My love, I know you and believe me, if how everything has gone until now is any indicator, we are going to have princess treatment", you smiled softly on an attempt to calm him, "thank you for sharing this with me, though. You can always share your worries with me, Mick", you finished, kissing his lips passionately, "I love you, liebling", he kissed you back, "and you little one, papa loves you so much, princess".

[transmutationisms]

Hello, hope you are well!

I’ve been skimming through the psychiatry tag on your blog for a bit. It has been educational (thank you for all your explanations) and definitely changed the way that I think.

All that being said, it is difficult for me to wrap my head around in relation to myself and my diagnoses. I can understand that the disease model is harmful, but it is so ingrained in how I think about myself (I have depression/anxiety, and therefore they make me behave in x ways and exhibit y symptoms, that sort of thinking). Trying to accept the fact that these diagnoses are just a categorization of behaviors makes everything feel very abstract and like none of it is really “real.” I guess what I’m asking is whether there is an alternative to the disease model that may be useful in trying to understand one’s own experience?

(Also struggling to come to terms with the lack of evidence there is for SSRIs/the fact that the chemical imbalance thing is made up. Is my Lexapro even doing anything? Who knows.)

Sorry if this is rambling or I’m missing the mark somewhere!

put reductively, the alternative to the disease model is a materialist analysis: rather than "i have a brain disease called depression, which makes me sad" i understand my unhappiness as the product of a social situation that is upsetting in various ways, and my psychological responses to being in those conditions anyway. people have all kinds of variation in their genes, biochemistry, anatomy, &c, and those variations probably also both respond to and play some role in how we respond to the world around us. what those variations don't constitute is the basis for any disease entity.

i personally find this more helpful than the disease model because i don't find it inspiring or productive to be told my miseries are the results of uncontrollable biological entities that have nothing to do with the distressing thigs happening to & around me. but for the record, i also think the relative personal fulfillment i may get from a theory is irrelevant insofar as the question is: is it true? plenty of people find psychiatric diagnosis personally meaningful and it's still not empirically founded or politically neutral. an analysis that understands human mental states as arising from our actual experience in the world & economic alienation has greater explanatory potential than one that must invoke a series of metaphysical disease entities that can be neither reliably identified nor distinguished from one another, and that are often retroactively defined in the first place in order to provide the right billing code for prescribers to dispense specific drugs.

re: lexapro, as i always say, it is a psychoactive substance, ie, physiologically yes it is doing something. whether that correlates to it emotionally doing something is a fuzzier question, along with what that thing might be (likely the answers to both vary from person to person). what we can say p confidently is there is not strong evidence that SSRIs alleviate depression.

[valas-illyn]

When I come to, I'm laying on some kind of hospital bed. My hands are cuffed to the sides. I don't immediately remember where I was before this, how did I get here? Where is here?

The lights in here are low, but still bright enough. The now opening door reveals a comparatively blinding hallway, and a silhouetted figure composed of writhing vines. Something about the perspective seems off, but I can't make it make sense.

Someone, somewhere, in another room is scared, terrified even. Angry too. Bursting with emotions, they want to scream and sob and thrash and rage. It sounds like a lot.

I just feel tired.

The thing moves into the room, and the door slides blessedly shut.

Affini. That's the word. Suddenly the perspective clicks into focus and the room makes sense. Affini are 10ft tall alien plants with a penchant for keeping other sapients as pets, the room is sized for them which is why everything feels wrong. I'm tall for a human but I'm not that tall, the bed is human sized though so it must be on some kind of raised platform.

My mind drifts off again, lost in visualising the technical specifications for a 5ft high hospital bed. Extra trains of thought spinning off into imaging what other situations one would even be needed, or in the comical image of a human nurse trying to wheel one about. Yknow, they're always complaining that they don't have enough space on the wards, with a 5ft high one you could have modular bunk beds that just roll over each other, you could double the capacity of a hospital. You'd have to add teeth to each leg and an electric winder to hoist it up and down though. Maybe some kind of quick release mechanism for emergencies? You could-

"Petal?" The affini is standing over me, the voice is... Soft. Not quite feminine, but maybe feminine by their standards, what do I know? Do affini even have male and female? Well, it'll do for now. Her voice is a gentle rustling rasp that I can barely believe is capable of human speech. "Petal, it's time to wake up."

I roll my head towards her. The someone is getting loud again. "I'm awake." My voice is flat, lifeless. Too deep. It sounds wrong.

She seems to shrink, like she's slumped. Relief? Despair? Maybe she's just tired too. How do you read the body language of a bush? "Good, I am Luminara Verdis, fourth bloom. Pronouns she/her. What should I call you?"

I was right, feminine. I try to answer, but instead I just yawn. Long and deep.

"still a little sleepy? Let's give you something to clear those sedatives out of your system." *She leans over and a loop of vine extends towards my neck. A light glints off the end of a sharp, needle-like point dripping with something viscous.

Sudden and visceral. An emotion floods through me, but I couldn't put a name to it. I yell "No!" far louder than I intended as I throw myself away from her, straining against my bonds. I realise my legs are bound too.

The bed wobbles and she holds it steady with a vine, preventing me from tipping it over in my... Panic? Panic. That's what it is. Somewhere deep inside, a part of me sees the absurdly tall bed again and wants to chuckle, another part of me notes the axis of the tilt and the centre of gravity, and mentally confirms the platform hypothesis.

"ok, its ok petal. Calm down." She makes a show of taking the needle away but I keep my eyes in her. My breathing is ragged now. My ribcage feels like it's shuddering.

"No needles." My voice is as shaky as the rest of me, but I say it with some force. I would be pleased by that if only I knew why I seemed to be so upset.

I settle back into the bed and try to rub my face with my hand, only I can't because it's still cuffed to the bedframe.

"No needle." She agrees. Her voice is full of pity, sorrow. She's making an effort to be gentle with me, I can tell that much.

A voice in the back of my mind whispers "needle. Singular. No promises past now." I tell it to be quiet.

"i- I'm awake now." My voice is steadier now, my body more controlled. The panic has faded, gone off to that other room. I can ignore it now.

"I can see that, I'm so sorry for startling you petal but I promise you I'm here to help. What's your name?"

"I'm- i-" my voice falters as my mind scrabbles for answers. "I don't know. I can't remember, there- there was more than one I think?" I know I should be frightened, or concerned.by this. But I'm not. I dont have the energy for it now the adrenaline has worn off, instead I'm just... A bit perplexed.

If I could read plant faces... I'm assuming she is showing the concern that I'm not feeling. I had best stop that before it becomes something, like another needle. "I-it'll come back to me, it always does. I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

She shows me a smile and says "Luminara. Lumi, if you like."

I smile back and tug at my restraint again. I really want to rub my face and it's bothering me that I can't. "Why am I chained to the bed?" I try to hide the frustration from my voice, transmuting it into concern instead.

"it's for your own safety, flower. Do you remember what happened?"

I raise an eyebrow at her. She chuckles.

"I guess not. You were in an accident before we rescued you. You were badly hurt and terribly confused, and you kept trying to attack the vets. They didn't know if you would still be violent when you woke up."

That makes sense. I have brief flashes of pseudo-memory; fear, anger, terrible terrible pain. I dont think it was an accident though. It feels like it was going on for a long time...

I shiver, and shake the sensation from my head. I'm still tugging on the cuff gently, I'm not sure I can stop, the feel of it is keeping me calm.

"I don't think I want to remember... Could you untie me please? I just need to rub my eyes."

[snail-sir]

I powered through two finals today I am treating myself to brainrot

There has been so much magister content lately and it is honestly fueling me. It's all so fun!! SO :D Meet my magisters!!! :DD my sillies!!! Disclaimer a LOT of rambling lmao

my sillies <33

Starting with Avaeryn! He's not the actual Magister Merlin, just a stand-in for now, because he's actually just another OC I decided to throw into this world, and it just devolved from there lmao. BUT this does play into my lore for Esperia Avaeryn 👀 because since I just threw him here, he's not supposed to exist in this world. Soooooo his soul is the only thing actually existing in this world that is Him. His soul, for some reason, decided to reside in the body of the actual Magister Merlin, Osiria, and accidentally booted out a chunk of her soul from her own body💀 this explains the amnesia for those two, bc Avaeryn literally Does Not Go Here and chunks of Osiris's memory got separated between body and soul. Don't ask me the science behind that bc I also don't know. Most of the magic Vaer knows is just Osiria's muscle memory or whatever little is left in that body.

Onto Osiria! She is the actual Merlin OC I made for this game, and therefore the Merlin people are usually referring to. She doesn't have the entirety of her memory anymore ofc since a chunk of her soul got booted out, so that chunk just follows her body around now lmao. She's just a non-corporeal being for the time being who can't really interact with stuff. However, I do think if one's magic is strong enough they can sense her, and maybe eventually see her, though Avaeryn's the only one who can do that rn. She doesn't know how to get back to her body and ofc Vaer doesn't know how to Not Be Here. Osiria still feels connected to her body in some way and can feel whatever goes on in there, as in emotions and injuries, and maybe in dire situations can retake control for precious moments. I hc that as a Merlin she's essentially immortal, although definitely not invincible. Like, her consciousness/soul can live forever and move onto a new body if she can't save her old body, but her bodies can live however long it can manage. But, since only a portion of Osiris's soul got kicked out of her body, her soul can't really find another body bc then there'll be two of her. Which is probably not good.

Personality wise these two are complete opposites.

Vaer is a very reserved and introverted person. He is the textbook definition of anti-social. He does not like being bothered. At All. So the fact that he is now this renowned mage that legit everyone knows and looks up to.. not liking that too much lmao. People are too friendly with him and he doesn't know how or want to handle that. He's also a very blunt and monotonous person, and on top of the fact he looks like he's gonna murder you 24/7, everything he says comes off as either sarcastic or rude. Osiria is giving it her soul's ALL to keep this guy from being like "why are you here. Leave me alone" to everyone he sees. They have the Merlin's reputation to uphold of course, and Vaer is making it SO hard for her. Like, Avaeryn's a good person. He's not gonna sit there and watch someone get mauled, and he's not gonna be intentionally rude or malicious or no reason. He's not even that easily annoyed, he just sounds like he constantly is lmao. (he Will throw hands if needed but he's smart enough to not. usually). He's quiet too but that also does not help with much at all. Monotonous and you can barely hear him. Which is driving Osiria insane. I literally made this guy so I can put him in games and pick rude dialogue without feeling that guilty LMAO

Osiria on the other hand is THE friend you wanna make. Very sweet, soft-spoken, and so So very caring. Wants to go out of her way to help anyone she comes across, and absolutely adores everyone around her. Perfect mother/big sister figure anyone would want. She nags Avaeryn a little too much for his liking bc if this lmao. She wants him to go help anyone and everyone, while all he wants to do is just be left alone. Which is never gonna happen. Though, she is a bit tooooo kind in the sense that she thinks everyone deserves to be helped, and will put her all into it. This can lead to her kindness being taken advantage of quite often, but good thing Vaer's rational enough to keep things balanced. The thing is, she's not stupid- she's aware that there's people taking advantage of her sweetness, but she just wants to help anyway. "It's best to help anyway because what's the point of leaving them stranded?" Avaeryn just thinks that they shouldn't inconvenience themselves if people can handle their own problems fine enough. People also don't like being called out by him (rightfully) lmao. Osiria thinks that's too mean though.

Relationship wise, they respect each other. Avaeryn stresses out Osiria a bit too much but overall, she understands that he usually means well, even though it often doesn't feel that way lmao. also that he's very much not a people person, so she doesn't make him go out strolling to find people to help just bc she feels like it. Wishes he doesn't scare her hamsters too much though. Vaer respects Osiria a lot as a person and as a magister. He understands that she's an important figure and therefore isn't as rude when she's around, especially since she's way too nice. He'll feel bad. Complies with her wishes more often than he would for other people bc he did technically overtake her body, and it's not like there's much else he can do lol. Overall they give more of a brother/sister relationship than anything else, and balance each other out quite well

Memes lmao

Tldr: I isekai-ed an oc who is now the supposed magister, and part of the soul of the actual Merlin now follows him around bc his soul booted hers out of her own body 💀 magister stand-in hates people which makes everything so much harder than it needs to be

[theninthdoor]

virgo season🪻♍ mini tarot reading ࿔*

decks used || the druidcraft tarot, wild uknown animal spirit & the prism oracle. songs || shuffle pick from a random 2000s playlist. when picking a group, use your sun and/or rising signs. (disclaimer: based on current energies. all is alleged and for entertainment purposes only.)

🍊 Mutables | Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces Song: The Fray - How to Save a Life

Cards: page of pentacles reversed, king of pentacles, eight of swords, Tiger (reversed), Flow

So, my dear mutable signs... it seems like this upcoming Virgo season is all about you working on getting your life back together after a period of disruption. In these past few weeks or months, you might have found yourself a little more sensitive, more reactive and easily overwhelmed. Perhaps you were pushed by people or circumnstances to let go of certain habits or routines that were already well set in your life, and that has made you feel out of balance. Going forward, I still see some struggle when it comes to making up for the empty space, plus there might be times when you go from 0 to 100 in a blink of an eye - so having no energy or motivation, and then going straight to being the most proactive and productive person on the planet - and, of course, going from one extreme to another must take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical bodies. With that, I must remind you that self-care is very important here. Don't let yourself stay stuck in situations or patterns that haven't been serving you, because they will only keep adding on to the frustration and unrest, but also please make sure to consciously keep working at a pace that is healthy and sustainable, to make sure you don't burn out. One last thing that came through: making up with friends/family/acquaintances or reuniting after a challenging period of misunderstandings or non-communication. Watch out for how you express youself, and let them speak as well! Whatever has been broken, can be mended, but you also need to take some accountability and be fair. - This might not apply to everyone, but if you were looking for this message/confirmation, here it is.

🩰 Fixed | Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius Song: Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls

Cards: five of swords reversed, eight of cups reversed, queen of swords, Dragonfly reversed, Love

the song???! 😭

So, for all my beautiful fixed signs (no pun intendend lol): this Virgo season will be all about you stepping back into your power. You're feeling yourself, taking care of yourself, being more social and having more vibrancy in general. There's just so much stuff you can't be bothered with anymore, and letting go of that is finally allowing new, beautiful energy to come into your life. However, that might come easier to some than to others... Even if you're not bothered with those things actively, they might still be hanging out at the back of your mind, popping in every now and then throughout your day. Don't ignore them, alright? But don't dwell on them either. You should be going about these matters with logic and patience, so they can be resolved properly and as soon as possible. I also feel now you're being a little more detached or acting a little colder towards certain people (if not all). You are definitely feeling more comfortable to put yourself out there and be more social, as a said, but there is still some distance that you're keeping between yourself and others. There's an aspect of self-protection here, but also self-love? You're self-protecting out of love for yourself, it feels like. After much trial and error, you have finally decided to give yourself what others haven't been able to. "I can buy myself flowers." I keep getting pulled to that Queen of Swords + the Dragonfly reversed (indicative that the energy is out of balance, which then points towards 'lack of concentration and a busy mind'), and that reminds me of Gemini - so whether that is you or someone you're dealing with this season, that whole energy should be around you in these upcoming weeks.

🍎 Cardinal | Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn Song: Britney Spears - Circus

Cards: death reversed, the tower reversed, five of wands, Lion, Strength

When everything around you is falling apart, people aren't getting along, and it seems like you're having to walk on eggshells to avoid being pulled into conflict, you'll have to take it upon yourself to step into power and either act as a mediator between those conflicting sides, or force it all to be done with. You're tired of chaos, of noise, of people being selfish and reckless, and now you're looking for peace and order, and you know the change has to start with you. However, that doesn't mean you're going to be docile and quiet, neither aggressive or argumentative! We have both the Lion and Strength here, so this is moreso about having patience, determination and (self)control. Besides, some people might come out to poke you, provoke you, trying to get a strong reaction out of you - and sometimes they might get what they want, but here we have a reminder that you must really make an effort to keep it together and lead by example. - "There's only two types of people in the world / The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe." this part of the song in particular, feels relevant here. In general, in this Virgo season I see you taking on more responsibilities, perhaps also packing your schedule with new/more activities and events, or finally waking up after a slow, fruitless period, and deciding to clean up all the mess around you so you can get back to action. The final message that came through is about the Libra Venus transit, and it influencing you to pay more attention to your physical appearance. If you've been thinking about changing your style, haircut, starting or going back to getting your nails done, treating yourself to a spa day, getting a better skincare routine or something along those lines, this is the time to do that.

🌍 relevant transits: ⭒ mercury stations direct in leo on august 26th / shadow period ends on september 11th ⭒ venus enters libra (domicile) on august 29th ⭒ new moon in virgo on september 2nd ⭒ mars enters cancer (fall) on september 4th ⭒ mercury enters virgo (domicile) on september 9th ⭒ partial full moon lunar eclipse in pisces on september 17th

[rookfeatherrambles]

Hey Tumblr, its been a hell of a few days for me. For those that don't know, on Sunday (June 2nd), I was in a car accident that really traumatized me, and I don't know if its going to affect me for another week or another 10 years. Details under the cut, as well as pictures of my injuries (no blood but bruises and scrapes, will be tagged appropriately).

My friend came up from Washington state to see me and wanted me to meet her at the hotel she was staying at. No problem. I'd just take an uber, from where I was located it would be an under 10$ trip. The uber gets there, I introduce myself, I place my purse into the car, and as I'm getting in, my earbud falls out and bounces off into who knows where. So I pause, one foot in the vehicle, one foot out, as I'm sort of stooping to look for this missing earbud. (It was important to me, more on that later). The back seat door is still wide open, but then, the driver decides to start driving. My foot is dragged back and twisted, and the rest of my body follows, and I'm screaming as I hit the ground and feel the wheel going over my leg. I think my first thought was that it had been ripped from my body. I was dragged a few feet down the street while passengers screamed to the driver to stop the car, and I don't think I've ever felt that kind of pain before. My throat is raw from screaming and crying. The car stops, people come and the driver tries to control the situation. All I ask through my sobs is 'is my leg still there?' and yes, miraculously, it is still there. I'm offered hands, but I lift myself up under my own power, extremely in shock. I'm not bleeding. Just scraped to hell with a tire track on my skin like a brand and terrified. Other parts of me also were scraped up, but I didn't notice until later. People are talking to me, all I want to do is be with my friend, so I look the driver in the face and tell him to take me to my destination, where I meet up with my friend. I am in shock all night. The driver asked me if I was okay, and upon me saying yeah, fine (I was not fine) he tells me he's not going to report this to Uber because its just a few scrapes. Anyway, I visit with my friend, and under guidence of my great roommate, I go to a walk in clinic and wait for nigh on 4 hours to get my injuries documented and get checked out. The verdict? Whiplash, no broken bones. I ache like I'm 90 but that's to be expected. I'm off work for a week, I'm given a 200$ physiotherapy prescription, but unless I want to pay out of pocket, I need to contact uber and start an insurance claim. I do that. They tell me they're going to put me in touch with an insurer. I don't believe them. I get a consultation with a personal injury lawyer set up for this friday, and now we come to here and now. I need headphones to cope with sensory hell outside of my apartment, and they were not on me when I left, so they're long gone. 180$ earbuds. Truthfully, I have this gut feeling that Uber is going to do their best to discredit me and what happened, just like that driver. I can't get into a car now without remembering that agony of my leg being crushed under the wheel, and when I'm in any vehicle now, I'm plagued by panic and horrid images of gruesome demise. I genuinely think I might have PTSD, though I'll be looking into a formal diagnosis when i can get to it. When I can AFFORD it. I hate to do this so soon after asking about my back, but I'm out of work for I don't know how long now, I don't know how many physio appointments or THERAPY appointments i will need to get over this. I need to recoup my headphones, I need to get groceries delivered now (which is really pricy), I need to keep myself afloat until Uber decides to (or decides not to) make amends. I don't even know if they fired the driver. I just want to feel safe and I just want something done. Anyway, if you can donate, please do. I know I'm just the silly AU person (one of many) but I have to ask. I have no other choice. I'm just sorry I don't have anything to give in return. Paypal.me/xcannibal Proof of injuries below.

[peachymilkandcream]

Hi! Can you do another modern au where Evelyn is imprisoned for a crime she didn't do and Levi is the warden who likes to torment his prisoners?

Jailbird|Levi x Evelyn AU

(A/N: Interesting idea Anon! We've all seen Levi abusing his power and taking it out on those weaker than him so this fits right into his personality. Honestly, I might leave this a little open ended and you can tell me, a part two, or, a full series? I definitely could see a full series coming out of this request. Let me know what you think in my asks, messages, and replies! Thanks for the request and I hope you enjoy!)

WARNINGS: implied noncon/dubcon, big age difference, kidnapping, slavery, violence, power imbalance, implied somnophilia, forced pregnancies, mind breaking, yandere behaviour, yandere themes, forced exhibitionism, sexual coercion, blackmail, misogyny, sex trafficking, etc.

================================================

Evelyn stalked around her cell feeling utterly dejected. She thought she would've been a free woman by now, but instead she was just rotting behind these bars because no one could trust the courts to actually deliver justice. She hadn't done anything wrong but now she was framed for fraud and was forced to spend the next two years of her life in this box.

That's what she got for being the scape goat for a crypto scam, even though one of her close friends Eren assured her that crypto was the investing strategy of the future.

That friendship was over.

It could be worse, there were much more serious charges she could've been convicted for, with much worse sentences. But still, two years of her life would be put on hold and now she would have a permanent record as a felon because once again the government protected the rich while letting the poor rot in the gutter.

A bang on the bars startled her out of her thoughts. "Enough of that pacing, it's driving me insane."

Evelyn looked up at the warden, his cane still poised to strike the bars again if she didn't obey. Levi Ackerman had a reputation for being a stickler for the rules and an asshole, she'd heard it before. He had to be transferred from a maximum security prison because his methods of disciplining the more rowdy and violent inmates ended up with severe injuries and several attempted lawsuits. They figured more docile and less threatening prisoners would suit his fragile temper.

Just her luck. Best to keep on his relatively good side to avoid making her life even more of a hell than it was. Although she did think it was odd that a man ran a women's prison with all women working under him, probably some chauvinistic stance regarding women's places in society. What an asshole.

"Right. Sorry."

"You're new, I saw that you'd just been transferred here. Evelyn, correct?"

"Yes, that's me."

"I thought it would be best if I came and introduced myself properly, considering you and I are going to get to know each other quite well in the time you're here."

Evelyn swallows, the thought of that causing more than just a ripple of fear. "Thank you for taking the time-"

"Don't flatter yourself, it's merely a formality. I don't understand why women like you end up here anyway. None of you little cunts would be in this situation if you just abided by the rules that have been so painstakingly set out for you."

She was right, he was an asshole. "And what kind of rules are those?" She barely concealed the animosity in her voice.

"Getting your base education so you're not stupid, marry, spread your legs, and then repopulate the earth."

Evelyn frowned, she had a feeling this is what he'd be like, but seriously, the guy really did suck. "Not all women want that lifestyle sir, and prisoner or not I'd appreciate it if you didn't make those comments to me."

He scoffs. "Cocky bitch." In an instant he reaches through and grabs her jumpsuit, pulling her hard against the bars, her feet on their tiptoes as he brings her up to his level. "Listen here you little shit, I don't give a damn what you want or don't want. For the next two years you're mine to do with as I please. You're seen as less of a human now, a drain on the system, it's my job to rehabilitate you and that's to be done however the hell I see fit. It's in your best interest to sit down and shut the fuck up and listen to all the lessons I'm taking my precious time to teach you. If you're lucky you'll leave here a little less useless. Understood?"

She wants to argue back, wants to spit in his face and tell him to go to hell. But the way he was gripping her collar was choking off her air supply, making it impossible to do anything but nod pathetically until he put her down, gasping for air.

"That's more like it. You think you can defy me and get away with it? You're in for a rude awakening girl, and you'll be thanking me for it in the end." His eyes rake over her, so slowly, menacingly, she shivers. "Enjoy your stay here."

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.

[wyyvernn]

A/n: Something small I wrote for myself but then I got carried away and wrote it longer :)

✧･ﾟ: Masterlist :･ﾟ✧

Cw: All characters 18+, Older Man/Younger Woman, Mentor/Student Dynamic, Smut, Thigh riding, Overstimulation, Fingering - don't like, don't read

Tags: @psybrepunk @sangheilihoes @demigoddessqueens @bookworm-with-coffee @ladysaturnsdust @haytham-loves-chocolate @memoriesofafallen

Usually, there was little that filled the silence of the Grand Master's office. The soft flipping through papers and maps, and the occasional scratching of a quill occured here and there. Haytham planned out the rest of his night to be a peaceful one, occupied by unfinished letters, and paragraphs to be written in his journal about his recent involvements in the Order.

But of course, those plans were thwarted and the peace chased away by his pupil invading his privacy again.

Your cries of pleasure echoed in his office, bringing him back from his thoughts. He watched you grind yourself back and forth on his thigh, your skirts bunched up in your fists, eyes squeezed shut and those smooth lips of yours parted, occasionally licked wet by your tongue. His hand came up and tucked some of your loose hair behind your ear, the other one curled around your hip, keeping you firmly put on his lap.

“Needy little thing…” He muttered quietly, his voice low and husky. The way he seemed so nonchalant about the situation frustrated you a little. 

You were making quite a sticky mess of his pants, and he felt your slick seeping through, soiling the material with a large patch of wetness. It amused him - the disorderly and unruly sight of you was a strong contrast to the perfect image of him. Unlike you, there wasn't a single grey strand out of place from his neat ponytail, nor were his clothes unkempt, his body still donning his usual navy blue fit. You guessed that if you hadn't interrupted him when you had, he would've been packing up for the night and heading to sleep but alas here you both were.

A sigh exhaled through him, like your unfulfilled desires were a minor inconvenience to his night.

“Have you no shame? Do you take pleasure in robbing me of my late night hours? Of the only time I am free to indulge in?” He scolds, adopting a slight frown, but you can tell that he's not really angry. Something about his expression tells you that he's only playing along.

“Mhn… sorry, sir.” You murmur with guilt painting your face, repeatedly dragging your wet slit back and forth, gasping when your clit scrapes against the rough material of his trousers.

“No, you're not.” He says, hisses, his breath beginning to grow ragged and uneven when he grabs your hips, a noticeable bulge forming and rubbing against your leg. Large, calloused hands dig into your skin and force you to grind harder on his thigh, resulting in a particularly sharp cry from your throat.

“You're not sorry.” He grits out, his words harsh in your ear, and he yanks your lower body towards him again, eliciting another whine. “You wouldn't be grinding yourself on my thigh for relief like a common whore if you were now, would you?”

You continue to fill the office with your lewd sounds, too stuck in the euphoria that his leg provides you. No doubt whoever has walked past on the other side of the door has heard your moaning, either stopping to listen or rushing away with a bright face.

A slap to your rump refocuses your attention back to him when you don't offer an answer.

“Would you?”

You babble out something incoherent, another apology or something that you don't care to remember, only focused on how good it feels, how good his hands feel as they push and pull your hips yet painful when it becomes too stimulating.

“Slow down, sir… please.” You moan out, digging your heels into the floor and tightening your hands on his shoulders in an attempt to stop yourself but his grip is relentless, the pace he sets for you even more so.

A flash of determination burns in his eyes briefly when you try to stop him. “Oh no, you wanted this. And I'll see to it that you finish it to the end.” 

Suddenly he's pushing aside your skirts and seeking out your swollen nub. The moment he dips his thick fingers past your folds, you bite into your bottom lip and bury your face in his neck, muffling your groans.

He twists the pair of them deeper while you writhe in his lap and then claw your hands at his back when they curl against your walls, the rough pad of his thumb dragging along your clit and bringing you closer and closer to your release.

“Please, sir… please!” You beg, trying to catch your breath but your Grand Master is unforgiving, still watching you with that almost bored expression as he plays with you.

With one last cry into his shoulder, Haytham thrusts his fingers impossibly quick and finally stops when you spill all over them. He lifts them up to your mouth and pops both in, slathering your slick on your tongue, a silent command to taste yourself.

You don't disappoint him, taking his forearm in both of your hands and wrapping your lips around his digits, making sure to suck them clean.

He watches you with a flicker of lust, his cock still hard and straining in trousers, and he pulls his fingers away abruptly from your mouth with a wet pop before he can make you do something about his evident predicament. He'll deal with it later.

Haytham gently shoos you off his lap, much to your disappointment.

“Run along now and clean yourself up. I expect you to be ready in the morning for training. And don't interrupt me at this hour again.” He warns, although there's a light mischief to his eyes, one that almost dares you to try it again.

And of course you do, the following night.

[dinosaurwithablog]

I am broken. I will always be broken, but I will not let that be what defines me. I've lived through hell. There were days that I didn't think that I'd make it, but you know what? I made it out. I am stronger and wiser for having done so. I remember sitting there one day thinking that this couldn't continue. So, I set a goal for myself that day. I would brush my teeth by noon. Sounds easy, right? At 11:55 a.m., I was freaking out thinking it's almost noon. What am I going to do. That is when it hit me. What would I do if this was someone other than me in this situation. I'd grab them and pull them up and lead them to the bathroom, and put their toothbrush in their hand. So that's what I did, except to myself. It sounds goofy, but I did it, and I was sooooooo proud of myself. It was a very small step, but I moved forward that day for the first time in years, and it fell incredible!! And I've been setting goals for myself ever since. Things that I know I can do. I set myself up for success. I'm telling you all this because I've found a lot of posts where people are overwhelmed and feel like they can't go on. I'm telling you that you can. It's up to you. Don't let the bastards win. Ever. Do this for you because you deserve it. I lived through reprehensible atrocities that no one should ever have to live through. But I made a choice. I would not let that define me. I would change my narrative. And I did. In doing so, I found beauty in Hell. I found that I am more understanding for it. I found that I'm more compassionate for it. And the greatest gift of all was that I could help others who felt the way I did. There is beauty in everything. That is a great gift. Sometimes you have to look really hard to find it, but it's there. Take a little step forward today. And the next and the next. If you stumble, get up and take another step. Let setbacks motivate you to do better. I believe that all the people out there can achieve greatness in their own way. Take a breath and move forward. I'm still doing that, and I get better every day. I won. The bastards lost. Yippee cayay motherfucker!! Happiness is a choice. Please, choose wisely. 🙏🏼 I will always choose happiness. I'm worth it and so are you 😍🫂💜💜💜 if you notice I use three purple hearts a lot in my posts. Like a war hero, I have earned them. They represent the wounds and scars that have made me stronger and wiser. I'm proud of those scars because they made me who I am today. Be your own hero and save yourself. You're worth it. ✨️

Wow!! That was hard to post, but I hit the button. I feel like I just stood naked in front of the Tumblr community, but if this post helps even one person feel better, then it was worth it. I'm gonna put my clothes back on now. It's getting chilly 😉😊😍

[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

More Omega Appreciation

It's no surprise that I love Omega, I make that pretty apparent. After all, she's my sweet bean, my little sunshine. I adore everything about her. In fact, I'd put her in my top 10 fave characters because of the impact she's had on me. But what makes her so endearing?

To me, it's her hope and compassion for others. Omega is full of life and wonder. Every situation she's thrown into, Omega takes with full stride. I remember falling in love with her in the first few episodes of season 1 when she goes to Saleucami. I think most of us want to go back and relive childhood where everything new was exciting and magical. And while she's certainly matured over the course of this series, there's still so much wonder in her. We can call it filler, but don't deny how adorable Omega is when Phee tells her stories. The way Omega lights up around others and new situations is adorable and makes her incredibly likable.

I'll go back to my point about her hope and compassion. Omega truly sees the beauty and strength in others, no matter who they are. Where Hunter is always distrustful of Cid (and rightly so), Omega still tries to help her. Yes, Omega is child and she is naive, but I still find her traits endearing. With Batcher, she believes in the hound's strengths to survive even with Hemlock trying to tell her otherwise.

But the most important character that Omega's kindness touches in my opinion is Crosshair. She never gives up on him even though she could. All throughout her imprisonment on Tantiss, Omega keeps her hope alive. Not a day goes by that she doesn't look for a way out. Crosshair, however, has given up. Everything that's happened to him has broke his spirit. But then Omega shows up and the fight is put back into him. Throughout the entire show, Omega continues to believe in the goodness that Crosshair has within him. She's always the one to reach out to him. I love that about her. I feel that we need more people like her in the world. It's so easy to not care about something or dismiss someone who might have differing opinion. But Omega teaches us that a little kindness and persistence can go a long way. I honestly do see so much of myself in her as a result.

I don't get personal on here, but I'll just say that there are times in my life where I've been put in Crosshair's position. I've felt trapped in my own Tantiss. Yet, there was always an Omega in my life trying to help. Omega, to me, represents the pure love and hope that people, especially family, can have for each other. No matter how dark things get, she keeps fighting and hoping. She never gives up on her family.

She is the emotional core of "The Bad Batch." It's through Omega that the Batch begin to see life in a different lens. They realize that they don't have to be soldiers. They begin to grow in different ways. Tech and Crosshair become more emotionally vulnerable around her. Hunter and Echo become more paternal. And Wrecker gets to let out his inner child more around her. She shows them new ways to love and care for one another.

I hope sweet bean never loses her endearing traits by the end of show. Sure, she will have gained more life experience, but that light she carries better stay alive. It's so important. It's one of her best features and it leaves an impact on those around her. The Batch are lucky to have Omega in their lives. Guys, if you have an Omega figure, someone who's filled with love and joy and always supports you, give them an extra tight hug.

I'll get off my soap box now, but she is truly one of the best Star Wars characters to come out in recent years.