#still don’t ship these two but MAN do i find them interesting

[mal3nko]

Some interesting tidbits about Vinh and Reggie’s relationship that I missed based on their Crosstalk interactions.

-If you don’t kiss Dead World Vinh in chapter 3, he will end up posting this message on Crosstalk later on in chapter 4. (Can I just say we were fucking robbed of literally ANY physical interactions with most of the Dead World cast in chapter 4 outside of Moses and Amanda??)

-Afterwards, Reggie will make this post which implies he and Vinh ended up hooking up later that night. Again, Reggie and Vinh only make these posts if you DONT kiss the latter in chapter 3. 💀

-Another interesting thing I noticed is that on the same post as above, one of Reggie’s family members questions if Reggie hooked up with the “same guy” he apparently brought home last winter.

In chapter 5 (if you didn’t romance Vinh, obviously), this same family member will comment under Reggie’s “shits fucked but life is good” post asking if he’ll come home for Christmas, to which Reggie simply brushes them off by stating that his dad still has to apologize to him and Vinh. So this pretty much confirms that the year prior, Reggie brought Vinh home to meet his family/parents for Christmas and I guess they didn’t approve??

Which is really interesting, given how their relationship up until this point has been presented as more of a casual thing, despite Reggie clearly wanting more. Bringing someone to meet your parents/family, especially during a holiday like Chrismas, usually implies a more serious relationship, at least to me. Maybe at some point Reggie and Vinh were more serious and eventually Vinh decided to put some distance between them for whatever reason? I think this makes the ending stats screen for chapter 5 even more intriguing as it says that Reggie and Vinh “reconcile” instead of something like “got together”. Much to think about.

-More of a “huh, the more you know” type of detail, but Reggie apparently doesn’t live in the Abraxas house with Vinh, and lives somewhere else on campus.

[f0point5]

Max Verstappen x bestfriend!reader Masterlist

She’s still bejewelled - Y/N finds out F1 wag pages are once again speculating she is dating her best friend, Max Verstappen

It’s (not) a cruel summer - Y/N and Max enjoy the summer break

August slipped away - Y/N does a Q&A to catch up with her followers after summer break

Burning red- Lando puts his foot in it

Holy ground - Fans discuss their excitement to see Y/N and Max interact at Zandvoort

I’m the one who understands you - A window into Max and Y/N’s home life

It turned into something bigger - Y/N’s comments about her childhood friend, Mick Schumacher, lead to a social media firestorm

They’d say I’d hustled, put in the work - A look at Y/N’s podcast, Dirty Air(time)

Shake it off - Determined to forget her worries, Y/N goes out parting with Max and Lando

They say home is where the heart is - Fans discuss how Y/N and Max love being roommates

(We’re) in the club doing I don’t know what - Fans look back on Max and Y/N’s Club Rat Renaissance

Pauses, then says, (he’s) my best friend - Y/N spends the day in Amsterdam while Max does press at Zandvoort

How evergreen, our group of friends - Snippets of Y/N and Max’s other friends on the grid and beyond

We’re faster and never scared - It’s a dramatic Friday in the Zandvoort paddock

I watch Superman fly away - The drama continues as Y/N and Mick have a run in in the paddock

Long live all the magic he made - Y/N supports Max as he equals the record for most consecutive wins

Remember the footsteps - A look at Y/N and Mick’s lifelong friendship

He has his father’s eyes…his father’s ambition - A look at Y/N’s relationship with Jos

I love your handshake, meeting my father - Fans discuss Jos’s perspective on Y/N, and her relationship with Max

And maybe it was egos swinging - Everyone speculates about the cause and consequences of Y/N and Mick’s falling out

I fell from the pedestal - Y/N becomes the subject of internet trolling after her fall out with Mick becomes public

Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay - Unable to deal with the stress and trolling, Y/N goes home to Switzerland, cutting off Max

My reputation’s never been worse so - Y/N’s absence sparks concerns amongst those closest to her

If someone comes at us, this time I’m ready - Y/N’s friends publicly support her as the hate continues

You don’t want to know me, I will just let you down

My words shoot to kill when I’m mad - Mick and Y/N finally talk

Something in your eyes says we can beat this - Max has a tough start to an important weekend, but his luck is about to change

(We) saw something the can’t take away - Y/N is there as Max wins at Monza and breaks another record

This is life before you know who you’re gonna be - Netizens discuss Max and Y/N’s enemy era

20 questions, we tell the truth - Y/N catches up with her followers after a hectic couple of weeks, and meets a man in Monaco

On a Wednesday, in a café - Y/N’s podcast with Daniel leads to some interesting revelations

Do you really want to know where I was? - Y/N and Max spend a day at the factory as rumours begin to swirl

I make it look oh so easy - Y/N and Max choose different confidants as they both attempt to avoid the elephant in the room

You’ll find me on my tallest tiptoes - It gets harder for Y/N to keep her secret

Slow motion, double vision in rose blush - Y/N gets back in the saddle while Max watches from the sidelines in more ways than one

Carnations you had thought were roses - Two of Y/N’s secrets are revealed

Didn’t it all seem new and exciting - Max leaves Y/N behind in Monaco as she reflects on her date

Loose lips sink ships all the damn time - Y/N heads to Switzerland for a special appointment as her relationship with Max is put under a microscope

I don’t wanna miss you like this - Y/N and Max deal with the distance between them differently

Your finger on my hairpin trigger - Tensions run high as Max has a bad day on track and Y/N gets defensive

Takes one to know one - Y/N’s much needed talk with Elliot is interrupted by an explosive qualifying in Singapore

I want to tell you not to get lost in these petty things - Max’s streak comes to an end and he and Y/N look ahead to Suzuka

Forever going with the flow, but you’re friction - Max asking Y/N to fly out early to Japan leads to tension and Y/N turns to Daniel for advice

I drive down different roads - Fans, and Y/N, speculate about her budding relationship

(They) knew what it was, he is in love - Netizens set out to prove that Max is in love with Y/N

(We) counted days, I counted miles, to see you there - Y/N arrives in Japan and is reunited with Max

Balancing on breaking branches - Max receives an unexpected delivery as Y/N answers questions from the media and her mother

It’s you and me, there’s nothing like this - As Max gets back to business as usual in Suzuka, wag social media does it’s thing

My (baby flies) like a jet stream - Max has a good day on track and Y/N’s Vogue article goes live

I can read you like a magazine - The internet reacts to mentions of Max in Y/N’s Vogue article

He’s passing by, rare as a glimmer of a comet in the sky - Red Bull securing the WCC is overshadowed by the revelation that Max hates podcasts

The lingering question(s) kept me up - Y/N does an Instagram Q&A

I just may like some explanations - Y/N answers more questions

How you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry - Set in 2017, we learn what led to Y/N’s dad being dropped as Max’s sponsor, early in their friendship

People started talking, putting us through our paces - When Y/N is spotted out with Elliot, Instagram, Max, and Lando react

I don’t wanna touch you - Y/N finds herself short of breath on her padel date. Later, she appears on Max’s stream

(I) will never make my parents’ mistakes - Y/N’s dad hears about her dating life, and her mother weighs in

Drinking on a (yacht) with you all over me - Y/N and Max kick of his birthday celebrations with a day on the water, while Elliot changes his tune

I’d pick you up and we’d go back in time - Y/N and Max bring in his birthday somewhere special

We’re gonna be timeless - It’s Max’s birthday, but Y/N isn’t the only one planning surprises

Take the moment and taste it - Max enjoys a birthday boat day with family and friends, and Vic makes an accidental discovery

There’s glitter on the floor after the party - It’s the morning after night before. Max and Vic discuss Y/N’s letter

Movin’ on was always easy for me to do - Y/N and Elliot meet up to talk and Y/N’s friend weighs in. Y/N’s tweets irritate Max

Your eyes look like (being at) home - Y/N goes riding, Lando proposes plans, and Max has plans of his own

No I didn’t hear the news, ‘cause we were somewhere else - Max and Y/N arrive in Doha, but rumours about Max’s Monaco exploits follow them

You heard the rumours from (your friends) - Max attends Media Day while Y/N hangs out with an old friend

‘Cause they don’t know about the night in the hotel - Max’s GQ interview exposes an interesting part of Max and Y/N’s past

I was dancing around, dancing around it - Y/N and Clara celebrate Max’s on track triumphs

(You) stand up, champion tonight - Max becomes a three time world champion

This life is sweeter than fiction - Max wins in Qatar in a physically gruelling race

Life makes love look hard - Back in Monaco, Y/N is seen out with Elliot, and he makes a bold suggestion

Can we always be this close? - Y/N and Max have a chill day at home and while Twitter notice Max made an admission in an interview, Y/N makes an admission to Victoria

Inescapable, I’m not even gonna try - Y/N and Max spend a day at the factory, where both realise they may have something to work on

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me - Y/N’s podcast with Oscar comes out, on the same day she finally films one with Max. Meanwhile, Max uses the sim in an unconventional way

Yes, I remember what you said last night - Y/N’s plans for COTA baffle Christian, and Y/N learns an unexpected fact about the past

Take out, then take me home - Y/N prepares for Austin, and an interview with Max comes out

Love’s a game, wanna play? - Y/N tries her hand at padel after watching Max compete, and Max steams with Redline

Rosé flowing with your chosen family - Clara and Y/N spend the day together, and Clara becomes determined to finish what she started in 2017

(We are) a flight risk, with a fear of falling - Y/N and Max head to the US

Ain’t it funny, rumours fly - Y/N heads to a Ferrari gala as rumours swirl about Max’s next career move amid reports of infighting at Red Bull

As if I don’t already see (it) - The circus settles in to Texas and Y/N’s dad weighs in on Elliot

Can you see right through me? - Y/N and Elliot make a king and awkward paddock debut

I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty year dark night - Y/N sheds light on her dating history while she and Elliot struggle to adjust to life in the paddock

It’s morning now, it’s brighter now - Y/N reaches out to an old friend for support. Meanwhile, Daniel tries to support Max

The moment I could see it - Max takes another win in Austin while Elliot reaches his breaking point

You’ll find the real thing instead - Y/N and Elliot have an honest conversation

In the name of being honest - Bonus part where Y/N answers Instagram questions after the Austin GP

I’m asking you why - More of Y/N’s post Austin Q&A

You’ve got a girl at home and everybody knows that - Y/N and Max are suspects in the wildest paddock rumour yet as they wrap up their trip to Austin

You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded - Y/N gets brutally honest with Mick as Max plays goalkeeper twice

You saw the truth in me - Max cuts it close before media day as reports surface of security threats in Mexico

They tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused - Max attends a gruelling media day as Y/N deals with the heat of Mexico

Laughing with (your head in my) lap, like you were my closest friend - Everyone has a tough quali day

This is the golden age - Maxico delivers another win, and Y/N celebrates with tequila

(You would never) me darling, but who could stay? - Y/N and Max arrive in Brazil for a short break before the race

No one has to know what we do - Max and Y/N fall off the map and enjoy some private time

I can’t say anything to your face - Max and Y/N continue to leave each other flustered and Max starts press for the Brazilian GP

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm - Max takes pole in difficult conditions and Y/N gets near her breaking point

We were cards sharks, playing games - Max wins the sprint and Y/N wins games of her own

🚨I’ve had to add a second masterlist for all posts after this point. That can be found here 🚨

[perlelune]

Cruel Summer | Felix Catton

Your mother's money issues make it hard for you to enjoy your summer at Saltburn. Thankfully your cousin is there to comfort you. But what happens when you realize his interest in you isn't just familial concern?

Warnings: DUB-CON, NON-CON, Start! Reader, Incest, Secret Relationship, Manipulation, Corruption, Innocent Reader, Drugs, Smoking, Filming

This is a dark story. Heed warnings before reading under the cut.

Your eyes round as they absorb the massive castle and the vast, lush gardens surrounding it. As you drag your suitcase behind you, you can’t quell the urge to admire everything. Even the towering, perfectly symmetrical trees lining the path to the iron gates. It’s been years since you visited Saltburn, but you don’t remember it being so big or intimidating. 

Still, you bask in the chirping of birds and the brightness of the sky above you. You’re compelled to admit it. The English countryside is lovely, a haven away from the pollution and noise of the city. A sharp contrast to the familiar chaos you’re used to back home. The uproar of traffic, from the honking to the shouting. The endless stream of people strutting down the streets. The gigantic ads and the skyscrapers that graze the stars.

A city that never rests or stops for anyone.

While this is home, it all can be so overwhelming. There never is time to just…breathe and be. Here, as you look at your surroundings, you figure it’s all there is to do. Breathe and be.

You push the small iron door on the side, astonished to find it ajar. Did they leave it open for you? You doubt it however. From what Mom told you, consideration for others isn’t one of your aunt and uncle’s strong suits. They’re too wrapped up in their “posh little world”. One your mom isn’t a part of anymore. And neither are you, as you’ve been raised overseas.

As for your brother…well he’s another matter. Shipped from school to school thanks to Uncle James’ “bottomless well of generosity”, he is a free spirit. Seas apart from you in every possible way. 

Ever since you were young, the pressure to succeed has gripped you tight and never released you. When others partied and experimented, you were nose deep in your books, stressing over finishing every assignment on time and acing every test. It paid off. You were accepted into your school of choice this summer, with a scholarship no less. 

Slacking off isn’t an option for you.

While your brother has a sort of safety net, you’re not so close with that side of your family. You’re their estranged American niece, one they haven’t seen in over a decade.

In fact, you’ve no idea how you’ll be received.

The long walk to the castle is harrowing but gives you time to comb through your memories. You were so little the last time you visited. Still, foggy remembrance floods your thoughts. You played with your cousins by the pond. Made up stories and ran around the fields. You even faintly recall skinning your knees when one of them dared you to try and climb all the way to the top of the stone stairs beneath the stained glass window. You slipped for a long time and wept on the floor, you think. Auntie Elspeth scolded her children and you for playing dangerous games.

Their cherubic faces flicker in your mind.

There were two of them.

A little boy with dark hair and a gummy smile. A blonde girl who giggled all the time. And of course, your brother.

When you’ve reached the castle’s front door, you suck in a wide breath. Before you can even knock on the tall, black doors, they swing open in front of you.

A surprised exhale spills from your throat. 

Swallowing, you fall back. 

Hands behind his back, a stern man in a suit runs his gaze over you. He is so still, for a minute, you wonder if he’s real.

But then he speaks. “Are you lost, miss?” he asks.

You shift, a surge of inadequacy filling you. Still, you clear your throat and give a tremulous answer.

“Hi. I…I’m here to visit my family.”

The man doesn’t budge, still pinning you with his unflinching stare. Sweat breaks out on your back. Are you at the right place?

“The Cattons,” you offer, an awkward smile stretching your lips. “My brother should already be here.” You start rummaging through your backpack to pull out a map. “This is Saltburn, right? Auntie Elspeth sent me the itinerary but perhaps I-”

He cuts you off, seeming almost annoyed with you.

“Right, you’re…earlier than we expected, Ms. Start.”

“I could come back later-”

“The gates aren’t open. We’d have sent someone to pick you up.”

You glance back, dumbfounded. The gates were definitely open, weren’t they? Or perhaps that little door wasn’t supposed to be crossed. Your cheeks flame. The elaborate rules your wealthy relatives abide by are already eluding you. 

Your shoulders heave and fall.

“It’s okay, it wasn’t that long a walk.”

The man stiffly allows you in. You note the two black men standing by the door. They haven’t uttered a single word, blending into the background. Always seen but never heard. You believe your brother mentioned something like that in his sporadic texts and letters. Your gaze tears from them. The inside of Saltburn is even more majestic, a thing you didn’t think possible. Standing in a museum wouldn’t be much different, you suppose, between the antiques sitting on shelves, paintings hanging on the walls and crystal chandeliers hovering above you. 

So, this is what generational wealth looks like. 

When you were little, you didn’t notice this. You were too busy playing. Now, it’s all you can see. 

“Just leave your bag there. Someone will get it for you,” the man says.

“Someone, as in…”

“Someone,” he repeats, staunchly refusing to elaborate.

The grip on the handle of your suitcase tightens. 

“I really don’t need it. I can carry it myself.”

The man considers you, his face twitching as if you just spat in it. Your insides stir in confusion. All you’ve said is that you don’t mind carrying your own luggage. 

The loud utterance of your name has your head snapping sideways.

Your mouth falls open when a towering, young man in a yellow shirt around your age strides in your direction.

He halts in front of the stern man, chiding him with a playful lilt in his tone.

“Really Duncan? You’re scaring the poor girl. Duncan, stop being so terrifying. She’s family.” 

“Well, I shall try.” 

You note the subtle warmth in the man’s tone as he addresses the newcomer.

He turns to you, beaming. Your stomach flutters. “Cousin, try not to be too terrified of Duncan.”

You’re taken aback when he grabs the hand gripping the suitcase. His large hand completely engulfs yours. 

“I’ll show her to her room. Don’t worry,” he chimes. He pulls you away and you’re forced to keep up with his long, enthusiastic strides. He tosses you a glance, laughing when you sort of hop behind him. “Sorry about that. Duncan’s a bit odd, but he’s alright, you’ll see.”

“And you are…?”

Disappointment creeps on his face at your question. He spreads a hand over his chest.

“Felix, your cousin. Golly, you don’t remember me? Really? That kind of hurts.”

Your eyes grow. The picture in your mind was that of a chubby-cheeked, clumsy little boy. Your cousin definitely isn’t that anymore.

“Oh my god, yes! Felix. You don’t have a lisp anymore and…You’re like a giant now.”

A smug expression lights his features.

“Puberty.”

You laugh in response. “Yeah, I guess we all grew up.”

A strange glint fleets across his gaze as he gives you a quick once over.

“Clearly,” he says, his smile expanding.

He shows you around the estate. You can’t suppress your awe when he mentions Henry VIII, surprised Saltburn’s history stretches that far back. The library also radiates ancient and priceless, countless rare leather-bound books sitting on the shelves. A smile creeps on your face when Felix greets the ghost of your grandmother.

He takes you through a vertiginous amount of hallways until taking you to what will be your room. It’s apparently right next to Venetia’s. You glance around, expecting another long lost cousin to pop up perhaps. But it’s just you and Felix in the vast bedroom.

He leans against the doorjamb while you soak in the room and the massive bed, large enough to welcome three or four people. It’s nothing like your tiny bed at home or the one in your college dorm. This is something you never had, and that is just Felix and Venetia’s normal. It makes you speechless.

You drop your backpack on the floor at the foot of the bed.

The mattress bounces as you plop down on it. You let your fingers skim over the blissfully soft sheets.

Your contemplation is abbreviated by the ringing of your phone. You flip it open. The screen lights up, signaling a new message received. You type on the glowing arrows to find out it’s from Mom. 

Remember to ask your aunt and uncle for what we talked about. 

I really need you, sweetie. 

You unleash a heavy breath. Your mom is the one who pressured you to go on this trip. Ever since her brother’s regular payments have dried up, your mother’s been relentless. She keeps claiming she wants her share of the trust and your uncle argues that she used all of it. First, she recruited Farleigh to speak on her behalf. Your brother’s attempts have met little success however. So your mother enlisted you. 

You don’t know what more you can do that your brother couldn’t, but you can never say no to anything your mother asks. 

“Is something wrong?” Felix inquires, making his way to your bed to sit near you. The scent of his pricey cologne tingles your nose. 

“It's nothing,” you lie. “Just Mom asking if my arrival’s been smooth.”

Your cousin seems like the living embodiment of sunshine, just like you remember. If possible, you want to keep him out of the money issues between your mom and Uncle James.

Felix tilts his head as he studies you.

“It’s kinda funny.”

“What?”

“The way you say ‘mum’”

A laugh peals from your lips. 

“I guess I’m gonna have to get used to my accent being made fun of.”

Felix shrugs. “My mum will think it’s exotic.”

You cringe inside. You never liked that word, how it makes you feel like an animal in a zoo.

Switching topics, you ask, “Is my brother around? I haven’t seen him in forever.”

“Ah, Farleigh’s probably skulking about somewhere.”

You chew on your bottom lip. “I don’t know what to say to him.”

Felix collects the book poking through the zipper of your backpack. He flips through the stained pages of your copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood prince. You accidentally spilled coffee on it during a late night study session.

“You could talk to him about this,” he offers, waving the book. “We’ve kind of been passing around Venetia’s copy. Although I tend to skip to the most interesting parts, but don’t tell everyone else.”

You smile.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” you reply solemnly.

He watches you for a long time, long enough for your gaze to find the floor as your face heats.

“It’s really good having you here with us, cousin. I mean it.”

You fidget in your spot. “Thanks.”

Felix flashes you a mischievous grin.

“But I’ll need to make sure you remember me this time.”

The rest of the day is spent reconnecting with your other relatives. Everyone gathers in the library and you get to meet Venetia, realizing she too has changed a lot since you were kids. 

Oliver, Felix’s friend from Oxford is also there. From your cousin’s broad explanations, it appears he’s grieving the loss of one of his parents, so he invited him to make sure he isn’t alone. It’s unbelievably kind. Besides, you’re guessing from Oliver’s lost puppy dog stares and awkward manners, that he’s as out of place as you are here. Instant sympathy blooms inside you when you’re introduced to him.

A woman named Pamela is also in attendance. She is Aunt Elpseth’s close friend, though it’d be hard to tell, the way she orders her around like a servant and exposes the long list of tragedies her love life has been to the entire room.

A saying about friends and enemies flutters through your mind as you witness their interactions. It’s such a bizarre spectacle, watching this red-haired woman, dead behind the eyes, bend over backwards for your aunt. You don’t remember Aunt Elspeth being this cold-blooded.

And naturally, there is your brother. Farleigh. Aloof in the back, apart from the Cattons, your eyes collide from across the room. He smiles at you. You smile back. Warmth flows through you.

It’ll be a while before you’re comfortable around each other again. It pains you to say, but you don’t know your own brother all that well anymore.

Dinner’s a strangely formal affair. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, giving the family gathering more of a cocktail party vibe than that of a family dinner. Venetia lends you a dress so you aren’t the odd one out. You thank her profusely. All you packed when you left America are jeans and a few pairs of shorts. It never occurred to you that you’d need any kind of formal wear since you figured you would be around family. 

But you failed to take into account said family is also a part of British high society. 

Awkwardness fills you as you hesitate over the utensils, the different kinds of knives and forks making you dizzy. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself on the first day. Seeming to grasp your predicament, Venetia nudges your elbow when you grip the right fork and knife. 

You mutter a quiet ‘thanks’ and she winks at you. 

Several courses are brought on silver platters, one after the other. The entire time, you focus on your plate, swallowing every bland, flavorless bite.

Stiff conversation is exchanged at the table, most of it centering on Aunt Elspeth’s dour-looking friend. Once more, compassion flutters through you.

It’s blatant to everyone at the table that Pamela isn’t wanted at Saltburn anymore.

It’s a relief when dinner concludes and you can return to your bedroom.

You sit by the large window in your room to admire the night sky. Between the skyscrapers and artificial lights, it’s hard finding a spot to look at the stars in New York. Here however, you can make out constellations and various other glittering shapes.

Venetia joins you on the windowsill. She takes a long drag of her cigarette and blows smoke on the window. She shoots you a cheeky smile.

“So, do you regret coming already?” she teases.

You fiddle with your hands. 

“It’s fine. Everyone’s nice. It’s…kind of unreal being here.”

“Just remember this is your home too.”

You mull it over. It is becoming clear to you how much you don’t fit in with the Cattons, despite sharing blood with them. You wonder if it’s how your brother has felt all these years. Like an outsider amidst his own kin. Although, you have to admit he looked quite comfortable at dinner. Far more than you, definitely.

“I’ll…try to remember that.” You hesitate, gnawing on your lip before speaking again. “Is Pamela gonna be okay, you think?”

Venetia shrugs.

“I think she’ll be alright.”

Your lips purse. Who knows how that haunted woman will fare once she’s on her own in the world again? You’re not too hopeful. But it seems like Aunt Elspeth is done with her, so it cannot be helped you suppose.

“If you say so.” You tilt your head at your cousin, dropping casually. “Do you think Uncle James is still up?”

“At this hour, Daddy will be in his study.”

You nod and get to your feet. Wandering the halls of Saltburn at night is a peculiar experience. The shadows clinging to the walls seem to follow your every step. Dusty slices of moonlight spill from the windows, bringing the stern portraits of your distant relatives to life, the aged hues of the paintings shifting in the dim light.  If you didn’t know any better, you’d think you're being watched. The back of your neck tingles as the sound of your fearful steps echoes in the vast halls. A breeze of cool air seeps through your clothes. You tug on the cardigan Venetia let you borrow from her closet, hurrying your pace. 

For a long time, you spin in circles, growing desperate to find your uncle’s study. Your spirits sour. You followed Venetia’s instructions to the letter yet you got lost. A left, a right, straight along the green room, then…another right?

You frown. Now you can’t remember. Why does every hallway look the same here?

Astray in your own mind, you carelessly bump into a hard object. 

You lift your gaze. Your jaw drops.

“Felix,” you exclaim, placing a hand over your heaving chest. “You scared me.” 

Mirth glints in his brown orbs.

“Lost, cousin?”

Avoiding his eyes, you scratch your am.

“Well, this is embarrassing,” you mumble.

Felix chuckles and seizes your arm. 

“It’s not. It’s easy to get lost here.” You gasp as he pulls you alongside him. “Just tell me where you need to go and I’ll show you the way.”

Too dumbstruck by his abrupt appearance, you let Felix drag you through the somber hallways. The sharp twists and turns he takes make your head spin. There is no way you’d have found the study on your own. 

He halts in front of two mahogany doors. Your feet bounce as your hand lingers on the brass handles.

Felix knocks on the door and your heart leaps.

“I’ll wait for you here, so you don’t get lost again,” he says.

“You don’t have to,” you squeak.

He leans over you and smiles.

“I insist, cousin. I have to prove to you not all of us are completely horrible…despite what you may have seen.”

Your face warms.

“T-Thank you.”

James’ voice rises from inside the room, giving you permission to enter. You nod at Felix and take shaky steps inside the study. The crackle of logs burning away reaches you. The swaying flames mingle with the shadows, casting a faint orange glow on the room. 

“Uncle James, may I speak to you?” you bashfully inquire.

He lowers his round glasses and puts down the notebook in his hands.

“Of course. Anytime, love. Have a seat.”

“Is something troubling you, child?”

You gulp the lump stuck in your throat, staring at your lap for a while before you meet your uncle’s gaze again. You shift in your seat.

You don’t know how to ask or, more precisely, the appropriate way to ask. A wide lungful enters your lungs. Why delay the inevitable?

You elect to dive right into your reason to be here.

“My mother. Well, she was wondering…” Your nerves buzz as your uncle’s sharp eyes cut into you. You clear your throat before continuing. “We were wondering if there were issues on your side because she hasn’t…” Sweat blooms inside your palms as your voice dwindles to a whisper. “Well, you haven’t sent anything like you usually do and it’s been two months now.”

A heavy coat of silence falls over the study. After a while, your uncle unleashes a deep sigh.

“And she sent you to vouch for her.”

“I’m sorry.” Your shoulders slump. “Mom, she…She isn’t really good with money.” This is a massive understatement, and from the way Uncle James’ eyes bear into yours, it’s clear that he’s also aware of that fact. As much as you love your mom, she’s never been the most responsible with money, often squandering it on flashy things and pretty clothes. More than once growing up, she fell short on a bill and you couldn’t even shower before going to school. “If you could help this one time, then I’ll figure something out for her. I promise.”

“And how do you plan on doing that, young lady?” your uncle challenges.

“I…I’ll find a way. We always find a way.”

“You’re a very good daughter, which I can appreciate…” Your pulse races as you wait with bated breath. “But I’ve given your mother more than enough for her to get on her feet. Still, she always asks for more.”

Your heart plummets. The finality laced in his tone didn’t elude you. Why did you even think you could sway your uncle’s opinion in any way when your own brother, who has been around the Cattons for years, couldn’t accomplish that feat?

“She has issues…but I promise, uncle, she’ll get herself together this time,” you offer.

“I will give it some thought.”

He flashes you a sympathetic smile. You recognize its meaning right away. It’s strikingly similar to the one Aunt Elspeth gave her “friend” at the dinner table. 

Understanding you are being dismissed, you get up from the chair and bid your uncle good night.

“Thank you for listening,” you say glumly before leaving.

As Felix escorts you back to your bedroom, you can’t help but notice that Uncle James never once referred to your mother as his sister.

You frankly doubt he will give what you said any semblance of thought. In fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if that entire conversation vanished from his head the second you stepped out of his study.

The rest of the week goes smoothly. Lazy summer days with your cousins and brother fly by in a hazy blur. Hanging by the pond beneath the sizzling sun. Displaying your terrible tennis playing skills to the entire group. Scary movie nights with the whole family during which Venetia and Felix laugh at you because you watch most of the film through your fingers and hide your face in a pillow whenever the monster appears.

It’s nice. You start thinking that reuniting with your extended family for the summer wasn’t such a rotten idea.

You nearly forget your mother. Nearly.

Though with the daily messages you receive detailing the squalor she’s living in, it’s impossible to forget. Guilt grows within you each day.

“She’s been texting you too?” Farleigh asks as he sits at the edge of the tennis court next to you. He’s still in his tux while you’re still wearing one of Venetia’s sparkly dresses, as all of you decided to sneak out of Aunt Elspeth’s uptight dinner party to catch the sunset and play a game of tennis. One thing you’ve come to learn about your cousins. They do whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want. Part of you envies that. The carefree knowledge that whatever mess you make, someone will clean up behind you…discreetly and in silence at that.

You flip your phone shut and sigh.

“Nonstop.” You sag in the chair. “I’ve done all I can.”

“Yeah…Me too.”

“I feel awful.”

You’re taken aback when your brother says, “Don’t. This isn’t your fault.”

You tentatively reach over his armchair to squeeze his hand.

“It’s not yours either,” you assure softly. Your brother shocks you when his fingers wrap around yours. You don’t think you held hands like this since you were toddlers. You were always the clingy one, following after your big brother like a lost puppy.

You and your brother remain like this for a while, eyes trailing the downward race of the sun over the horizon. 

When night falls, you’re surprised to find a tall, familiar form slipping through the wall of your bedroom. 

“Felix!” He puts a finger over his lips as a sign to lower your voice. It instantly dips to a whisper. “How did you get here?”

Amusement paints Felix’s features at your flabbergasted expression. He clicks the door shut. 

You blink. Once closed, the secret entrance blends seamlessly into the wall. There is no way you could have known this was here.

“Secret passageway. Old castles like Saltburn have plenty of them,” he explains, crawling over your bed.

“Oh.” 

As your eyes drag over his frame and you note that Felix’s just in his shorts, fire creeps inside your cheeks. Of course, you’ve seen your cousin in trunks but usually, it’s around the entire group. For some reason, a sliver of discomfort pools within you. You look away and clear your throat.

“Is it…okay for you to be here?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just that…nothing.”

A deep chuckle peals from his chest. The mattress bounces as Felix lets himself fall onto your sheets. He makes himself comfortable on the pillow near you, putting his hands behind his head as a lazy smile spreads on his lips.

“Don’t be silly. We’re family. It’s like when we were little and we’d all sleep in the same bed.”

You can’t help but smile at that. He’s right; you’re overreacting.

“Right. That was so fun.”

He lies on his side, elbow bent as he buries one hand in his tousled brown curls. 

“You used to have nightmares so you’d always sneak into my bed or Farleigh’s.”

“Now that you’re saying it, I think I remember that.”

“You’re still as cute as I remember.” Felix’s brown eyes twinkle as he drinks you in. “No…Even cuter.”

“Thanks.”

He approaches you and starts playing with the hem of your cotton shorts, twiddling the fabric between his forefinger and thumb.

Brown eyes dive right into yours.

“I saw you with Farleigh today. You looked sad.”

You shake your head.

“It’s nothing…just got some stuff on my mind.”

Felix’s smile dies.

“You also looked sad when you left Dad’s office the other day.”

You bristle. “It’s nothing important, really.”

“Your mom?” he inquires. When you don’t reply, Felix’s knuckles sweep over your outer thigh, his deep timbre softening, “You can trust me, cousin.”

You unleash a sharp, audible breath, budding tears tickling your eyelids.

“It’s just a lot. She’s asking things from me that I don’t know if I can do much about.”

Felix collects one of your stray tears with his thumb. He then snatches your hands from your lap and clutches them in his. They completely swallow yours.

“She shouldn’t ask anything of you. It’s not fair. You’re her daughter. She should protect you. Not the other way around.”

You sniffle. “I don’t know. It’s just been me and my mom for so long. Especially after Farleigh decided to stay in England most of the time. So I feel like…I need to take care of her, you know? Because she always took care of me.”

He cups your cheek, wiping more of your tears.

“You’re far too sweet for your own good, cousin.”

Felix then sits up and conjures a lighter and a blunt from the back pocket of his shorts.

You gawk at him as he lights it in front of you, taking a deep drag before blowing smoke in your face.

Your stomach tingles when he offers it to you.

“I don’t know if I should…”

Felix’s timbre lowers seductively as he grabs your hand and slips the roll between your fingers. Even holding it doesn’t feel right.

“Come on, you’ll feel better. It’ll free your mind. No thoughts. No troubles. Just…light and happy.”

“That sounds amazing,” you mumble.

“Then try a puff.”

You bring the blunt to your mouth and immediately cough.

“You gotta go slow,” he chuckles. Once you’ve retrieved your breath, he nudges it against your mouth again.  “Here, another.”

The room begins to swirl around you. You lie back, a heady, cotton-like sensation spreading from your head to your toes.

“Damn…” you whisper as your limbs slacken, the tension in your body slowly melting away.

Felix lies back next to you, his grin growing.

“See? That’s why you should always listen to me, cousin.”

It becomes a habit, Felix sneaking into your room and the two of you smoking in your bed every night. Him slipping through the secret door doesn’t even faze you anymore, and your reservations about getting high evaporate a little more with every puff you inhale. The serene sensation and warm tingles you get afterwards are entirely too pleasant. 

It’s something you’ve never experienced. Letting go. For a few precious minutes, the burdens on your shoulders can vanish.

You don’t tell Venetia, or even Farleigh. You still remember him going full big brother mode that one day when you tried to join the rest of them when they hung out naked in the field. The Cattons siblings laughed as you were escorted away, burning from head to toe at the humiliation.

You don’t want a repeat of that. Always being the good girl is exhausting. Not that your brother would understand. He gets to live life on his own terms. Get kicked out from as many schools as he likes. Charm his way through the world. You don’t. For once, you want to revel in doing something…a little forbidden. Something the nerdy, party-avert, studious girl you forced yourself to be all these years would never do.

So the nightly meetups become you and Felix’s secret.

It’s all casual, harmless fun. Until, one night,  everything changes. As your head lolls back on the pillows, your gaze fixated on the ceiling, your cousin’s fingers dance over your half-exposed belly.

“Feeling better?” he mutters, his voice low and secretive.

“Yeah.”

“I know a way you can feel even better.”

You don’t think much of it. Not even when he slithers across the sheets, finding his way between your legs. He tugs your shorts down, slowly, until you’re down to your panties in front of him. The rush of cool air on your skin makes you tremble.

“Felix, what are you doing?” you chuckle, high enough not to fully register what’s going on.

A playful smile ghosts over your cousin’s lips. He blows on your clothed center and the sensation draws a giggle from you, even as a faint layer of panic is trying to pierce through the haze.

“You seemed so stressed today. It’ll help you relax…” he promises, trailing sluggish kisses up your inner thigh. As his lips travel upward, your stomach clenches. He hooks two fingers inside your panties to push them aside.

Your cousin’s gaze darkens, his smile broadening, as he basks in the sight of your bare, shuddering folds. He licks his lips before kissing the center of you. 

Your limbs tense as Felix starts unraveling you with his tongue. He licks a stripe over your folds, his tongue tarrying over your tender bud. The breath catches in your throat. He traces slow circles over your button, tearing a soft gasp from you everytime he suckles the sensitive spot between his lips.

Felix hums while his head bobs between your thighs.

A tingly, warm feeling starts blooming in your core, scattering to your entire body. Hot and irresistible. A wave of heat that slowly takes over your entire frame.

You clutch the sheets.

Your eyes rise to the heavens as heat pulses through your core.

“No, Felix, this is… this is wrong,” you wheeze out between aching breaths. 

His devious laughter ripples through your core. 

“I’m just trying to make you feel good. How can that be wrong, cousin?” he says innocently, before flicking his tongue over your folds. He spreads you even more, dipping in and out of you as quiet shouts rip from your throat. Your back curves over the sheets. Your lids flutter as you peer at the ceiling unseeingly. 

His sinful baritone nudges you to your undoing.

“Just let go. It’s okay. It’s just me.”

You quake, the tense heat growing too much to bear. Your insides coil. Sparks erupt from your center, traveling outward. Your body goes limp as you collapse over the sheets, dazed and breathless. Tears of arousal trickle from your core and your cousin greedily savors every wayward drop. Shame scalds your insides as you feel him lap up your nectar, your wide gaze glued to the ceiling.

The next morning, panic rushes through you as your eyes snap open.

“Hey, hey, you don’t need to freak out,” Felix says lightly, pulling you against him from behind. His hand settles over your rapidly moving chest. 

“Last night…” you say, choking on a sob as you recall bits and pieces. You were so damn high. Still, you’re pretty sure what you think happened…happened. Even in your own head, you can’t put it into words. You rub your thighs. Stickiness lingers there from Felix’s ravenous tongue. Shame burns in your gut.

As you try to climb off the bed, Felix yanks you back. He slams you down on your back. Your heart jumps as he looms over you, his broad body easily caging yours. 

He frames your chin, drawing your attention to him.

“We just had some fun, you and I,” he says, thumb tracing your quivering lip. “That’s all. No one ever has to know.”

Tears well up in your eyes as you keep pulling on your tiny camisole, pathetically attempting to cover your nakedness. Felix chuckles.

“Gosh, you really need to stop being so uptight, pretty cousin.”

He drops a quick peck on your cheek before dragging his lips over your earshell.

“It’s okay. We’ll work on loosening you up.”

For a few days, Felix doesn’t visit your room again. You’re thankful for that. You can barely meet your cousin’s gaze now, the fear of someone finding out what happened eating you alive. You can’t imagine coming back after so many years only to cause havoc and drama.

Your mom would be so disappointed. Your brother would be livid.

So you do as Felix says. You keep your lips firmly sealed. It’s not like it’ll go further than that anyway. The two of you were high, that’s what you keep telling yourself.

None of this would have happened otherwise.

Unfortunately, your meticulously crafted wall of denial explodes when your cousin shows up again one night.

You tremble as your eyes rest on him. Felix smiles at you, pushing the secret door closed. You note the camera dangling from his neck. The entire day was spent snapping pictures to remember the summer. You took so many silly ones with Venetia and your brother. For a while, you let yourself forget. Felix took most of the pictures today, appearing in very few himself. You just didn’t expect him to still be wearing it this late.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you reply shyly.

“How are you feeling today?”

Your lips clamp shut. Today was awful. Apparently your mom might be getting evicted soon. She hasn’t stopped texting you about it the entire day, and even some of the night because of the time difference. You feel so dauntingly powerless…and awful. You’re staying in a literal castle while your mom might be homeless soon.

“I’m good.”

He takes lithe steps towards you, his handsome face twisting in sympathy as he plops down on your bed. He removes the camera from around his neck and tosses it over your pillows.

“No you’re not. You’re still worried about your mom. You were checking your phone all day today.”

You bring your knees close to your chest.

“It’s fine, Felix.”

Felix sighs, concern swimming in his brown gaze.

“No, it’s not fine.” His fingers roam over your ankle as he lies on his side. “You know…” Felix pauses, eyes holding yours. “I could talk to my dad if you want. He never refuses me anything.” He flashes a sunny grin. “After all, I’m his precious boy. His firstborn son.”

You gape at him. 

“You really would do that for my mom?”

Felix sits up and closes the distance between the two of you. He bends over you, placing his large hands over your feet. You follow the stars tattoos etched atop his hand; his sister has the same ones if you recall.

His knees graze your ankles as he says, “Not for your mom. For you, cousin. So that frown on your face can finally…” He flicks your brow with his thumb and laughs. “...disappear. Like magic.”

You consider Felix, relief and awe storming through you.

Without giving it much thought, you toss your arms around his neck.

“Thank you so much,” you exclaim.

“Of course…” His fingers travel along your spine. “I’d just have a little favor to ask in return.”

“Sure, anything,” you answer easily.

He pulls back, lacing his fingers with yours.

“It’s not much.”

The heady scent of his cologne washes over you as he leans forward.

“I’ve been aching somewhere lately and I need you to make it better, cousin.”

“Oh, aching…where?”

“I think it’s best if I just show you.”

A foreboding inkling flares in your gut. Still, you don’t move as Felix “shows you”. He tugs on his shorts. He slowly pulls on the fabric, shimmying out of it as you hold your breath. When his length springs free, you unleash a small squeak. Your reaction drags a laugh out of Felix.

Though you don’t really want to, you can’t help but stare. It’s thick and long with veins running alongside the shaft. The tip points upward, glistening and red.

“I don’t know if I can help with…something like that,” you mumble, your voice wavering at the end.

“Sure you can.”

He lifts your chin, diving his eyes into yours.

“I just need somewhere warm, and soft, to slip the tip of my cock so it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Shock parts your lips.

“Felix…”

He hooks his thumb inside your open mouth, a lopsided grin stretching on his face.

“Come on, it’ll just be the tip, I promise. Then we never have to talk about it anymore. You won’t even feel it, I swear.”

“Just the…tip?” you say, your throat knotting as your gaze drifts down. You take in Felix’s size, swallowing thickly. It matches the rest of him, you suppose. You don’t even think it could fit, not fully. So just the tip is probably for the best. “Nothing more?”

“Just the tip. And I’ll talk to my dad first thing in the morning.” He strokes your cheek, uttering softly, “I bet your mom will be so happy for what you did for her.”

You heave out a deep, resigned breath. Right, your mom. While you’re not too comfortable with what Felix is asking for, if it means he’ll talk to Uncle James, you don’t have it in you to refuse. A favor for a favor. Then you’ll spend the rest of the summer forgetting it ever happened. You can do that. 

You peer up at Felix. 

“Okay then but don’t…stay too long.”

He beams at you. 

“You’re amazing.” 

Felix leans back. He removes his shorts fully, revealing himself in all his naked glory.

“Just lay back for me, cousin,” he instructs. He slants his head, satisfaction filling his gaze when you do as he says. “Open those perfect legs of yours.” His pupils swell with lust as you part your quivering thighs. 

“Good girl,” he praises. 

Felix crawls over you. You freeze. He grips the waistband of your pajama bottoms to slide them off your legs. He takes his time, agonizingly slow as he soaks in every tiny shift on your face. Horror curls your insides. You wish he’d just get it over with. But it’s clear Felix wishes to enjoy every mortifying second of this. 

Your panties are next. Once again, he drags it out. Warmth blooms in your face as cool air hits your bare folds. It’s worse than last time, because there’s nothing to dull your senses, or pretend it isn’t happening.

“Don’t close your legs. I want to see everything,” he says when you try to hide from him. His throat bobs, hunger lurking in his eyes as he licks his lips. “You have a really pretty pussy, you know that, cousin?”

“Please, don’t say things like that.”

“Why not?”

“B-Because it’s embarrassing.”

He smirks. 

“You’re so fucking cute.”

Your cousin plucks the discarded camera and points it at your face. The blinding light sears your eyelids as he quickly snaps a series of pictures of you in the compromising position.

Adrenaline pumps through your veins, your pulse soaring.

“W-Why did you just take a picture?”

“Because I want to remember you like this.” 

He chortles as you try to snatch the camera from his hands, keeping it out of your reach with ease with his long arm.

“Delete it, Felix,” you plead. 

He tilts his head, his expression dripping with mischief.

“Sure, if you do everything I say, I’ll delete it.”

Tears brim beneath your lashes. You want to trust Felix. You really do. But he always asks for more. You wonder where it’ll end, if it ever will.

“You promise?”

“Of course. I’d never lie to you, cousin.”

He places the camera on the floor near the bed. If you thought you could get past him, destroy the camera, you would. However you’re beginning to realize something about Felix. He always gets his way. 

He crawls his way to you. You don’t resist as Felix nudges you down, trapping you beneath him. The fitful drumming of your heart fills your ears. 

He bends down, stealing your lips in a heated kiss. His lips sweep over yours, hungry, feverish. He cups the side of your face, moaning as he explores your mouth. His hands start wandering over your body. They feel everywhere at once, kneading and teasing your flesh. Felix pulls your top over your head so you’re in nothing but your bra. 

He deepens the kiss, his tongue stealing your air and sanity. You melt beneath him. 

The air is robbed from your lungs when he starts prodding at your entrance. Your fingers clench around the sheets. His thick tip stretches you so much already. You can barely take it.

His voice comes out hoarse and strained.

“You feel so bloody good.”

He pushes a bit more. You tense, your walls aching at his size. Your tearful gaze rises to the ceiling. Felix seizes your chin, pulling it so your eyes lock with his.

“Look at me,” he instructs.

He piledrives into you, sheathing himself inside you completely. Your vision flickers as he finds the hilt of you. Your lips part in a silent scream. Your chest heaves and falls quickly. 

“Felix, you said…”

He shushes you, pinning both of your wrists above your head as he begins moving inside you. A wicked glow burns in Felix’s brown gaze. “I know what I said…but it feels too good inside you, cousin.”

“But you promised...” you sob. 

He kisses away your tears, his voice mellowing.

“I’m sorry,” he says after thrusting inside you deeply. “I’m so sorry…” Your toes flex, stars creeping in your sight with each of your cousin’s vigorous thrusts. His pace doesn’t relent, even as you weep and plead him with your eyes. He almost seems to pluck joy from your quiet helplessness. His chest brushes over yours as his lips ghost over your earshell. “But I don’t think I can stop.”

Your breathing quickens. As Felix’s cock grazes along your sensitive spots, little whimpers spill from your throat. He drapes one hand over your mouth, still pounding inside you. 

“Shh, be quiet for me, cousin. Wouldn’t want anyone to hear us, right?”

“I think our uncle likes you better than me.”

You look at your brother through your sunglasses. You’re thankful for them. They’ve done a nice job concealing the puffiness of your eyes. You’ve been crying a lot lately. Too often. It started the night Felix snuck into your room and the flood hasn’t really stopped since. All of it turns your stomach. The lying, the sneaking around…the sick, twisted lies. His sick, twisted lies. It was supposed to just be one time.

Felix deceived you.

Every night since that one, your cousin found his way into your room, coaxing you to do things that make you hate yourself afterwards. It’s even slowly escalated to daily trysts. Felix would conjure excuses to steal you away while your other relatives are blissfully unaware. Having his way with you in a dark corner. Fingering you in the library. Cornering you in the maze to taste the nectar between your legs. Your cousin seems determined to make sure no inch of Saltburn isn’t tainted by his wicked desires.

This is a nightmare.

Your mom was so overjoyed on the phone after receiving Uncle James’ payment. And you’re glad you could help. But the cost…Did your mother’s happiness have to occur at your expense? You’re so exhausted, ashamed. You don’t know how long you can stand to be the vessel for your cousin’s lurid fantasies.

Even proper rest is denied to you now, the fear of someone figuring it out keeping you wide awake for hours every night.

“I doubt that,” you say, your lips curving in a stilted smile.

Farleigh leans back in his lounge chair, pushing his sunglasses over his nose.

“Still, good job, little sis.” A wide grin blooms on his face. “Guess being a goody two-shoes has its perks.”

Your chest clenches at your brother’s remark.

As Felix’s eyes find yours from across the pond, your blood freezes. He smiles at you. Goosebumps erupt on your skin. You shift, your attention returning to your brother.

“I-I don’t know about that.”

You thought the awfulness reached its peak. You were wrong. A new brand of twisted is introduced by Felix during breakfast with the entire family.

He sits next to you, smiling at you. You don’t think much of it. Why would you? He’s done this before. Taunt you. Tease you. Torment you. Even in front of the rest of them.

But what he does today, while Aunt Elspeth sits across from you and your brother is on your other side…it’s just ghastly. Impious.

Felix’s digits roam atop your thigh. You shoot him a glare. He pointedly ignores you, carrying a casual conversation with his mom while playing with the hem of your dress.

You focus on your plate. He caresses the inside of your thigh as you bring the fork to your lips.

He presses two fingers against your clothed center. Pushing, pressing and swirling around your tender bud. Your knees rub, heat gathering at the apex of your thighs.

The metal of the fork damn near shatters your teeth as you choke on a mouthful of eggs.

You apologize swiftly, shakily grabbing the glass of water near your plate. You take a long swig from it and clear your throat. Felix’s digits dip further inside you. Your breath hitches. He stops just shy of letting you come apart, bringing you to the cusp only to retreat at the very last second. A meticulously thought out torture.

It lasts for almost the entirety of breakfast, only reaching an end when Venetia rises from the table. You follow right after her, excusing yourself with a tense smile.

Hollow steps take you through an endless series of hallways. You can hardly even think, the enormity of what your cousin just did in front of his parents, in front of everyone, shocking you into numbness. Where will his depravity end? You long for summer to end so perhaps you can finally be free from your cousin.

You wind up in an empty room brimming with dusty books and antiques. You sit in a corner, knees against your chest, as you revel in a rare moment of respite. You don’t get these as often anymore. Not if your cousin has anything to say about it.

As usual, it doesn’t take long for Felix to find you a little later. Your heart skips a beat when his towering frame darkens the doorway, blocking any chance of an escape.

“Playing hide and seek, cousin?” he teases, amusement laced in his voice.

Tears swim in your eyes as you shoot him an accusing look.

“At breakfast, really? Someone could have seen, Felix. M-My brother, he could have seen.”

Rolling his eyes, he hops towards you to take a seat next to you. His rebuttal is disturbingly nonchalant.

“We’re not gonna get caught.”

“I think we should stop,” you sputter, your mouth wobbling. 

His brows squeeze together, a mix of annoyance and confusion twisting his features.

“Why?”

You fiddle with the bottom of your dress, struggling to meet his irate stare. 

“I’m grateful for everything you did, really, but this doesn’t feel right.”

His cheek pulses, a strange grin dragging his lips upward. Your stomach sinks. 

“We’re just having fun, you and I, cousin.”

Your words warp into a watery croak.

“This isn’t fun, Felix.”

A weary sigh drops from his chest. 

“It’s because you’re overthinking it,” he says, reaching out to cup your cheek. You turn your head. Frustration flickers in your cousin’s eyes. As you try to stand, he grabs you and shoves you on the floor. 

“Felix, no…”

Ignoring your sniveling pleas, Felix hastily unzips his jeans and yanks your underwear down to your ankles. 

A strangled sob flows from your lips as he nestles himself inside your wet heat in a single deep, cruel thrust. 

You’re a whimpering mess on the floor as your cousin pounds into you from behind. 

“Just stop fighting it,” he grunts. He twists his fist in your hair, your scalp singing in pain when he tugs at your roots. Tears stream down your face while your cousin snaps his pelvis into your ass. 

“See? This is good.” His warm, heavy exhales tickle your nape. “Doesn’t my cock inside you feel good, cousin?”

“Yes…” you begrudgingly admit, loathing how every time he sinks into you, your toes curl and your eyes roll back on their own, warm tingles dancing through your core.

“Look outside.” You wince as he angles your chin towards the window, his other hand still tangled in your hair. You’re greeted with a beautiful sight of the lush gardens sprawling before the castle. His hot whisper grazes your temple. “Do you see all this? How beautiful Saltburn is…especially in the summer.” His smile carves into your skin.

“One day, all of this will be mine, cousin.” He plants a soft kiss on your cheek. Shivers course through your spine. “And it could be yours too… if you behave.”

[pandapetals]

Already Yours

You and Logan's students think you should date due to the teasing banter you have. However, you are already married to him.

professor logan howlett x professor fem!reader - established relationship (y'all married), cute, fluff, teasing, no y/n used, no reader description, your an english professor, logan is a history professor - imagine days of future past logan with the white streaks in his hair

read on ao3 or find more parts for the series: here

divider credit: @enchanthings

There was a loud knock on your classroom door, breaking the silence and immediately drawing the attention of your students. You looked up from the stack of essays you were grading and felt a small smirk tug at the corner of your lips when you saw Logan leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, with his signature scowl plastered across his face.

You weren’t the only one who noticed him. From the corner of the room, one of the students leaned toward his friend, stage-whispering, “Oooo. Professor Howlett looks pissed.”

You barely contained your eye roll. You’d heard the rumors—how the students thought Logan was some grumpy bear of a man, ready to tear into anyone who crossed him. But the truth? That was just his face and his attitude. Mostly his face, though. Still, the whole “gruff Wolverine” thing really worked for him, even if the students had no idea that beneath all that tough exterior was a man who had a soft spot for a certain English professor.

You crossed your arms, leaning back in your chair as you raised an eyebrow at him. “What can I do for you, Professor Howlett?”

Logan gave you a long, slow look, his jaw tightening for effect as he ignored the stifled giggles coming from your students. His eyes flicked to the clock on the wall and then back to you. “You realize it’s been twenty minutes since your class was supposed to end, right?”

You feigned surprise, glancing at the clock and then back to him. “Oh, has it? I hadn’t noticed.”

Behind you, one of the students snickered. “Bet they’re gonna fight,” a girl whispered to her friend.

“They should just kiss already.” The friend whispered back. 

Logan smirked, stepping into the classroom and making a deliberate show of walking over to your desk. “You know, some of us have important subjects to teach. You’re holding up my history class.” He leaned in slightly, lowering his voice just enough for only you to hear. “I’m sure your students have heard enough about Pride and Prejudice for one day, darlin’.”

You couldn’t stop the amused smile from spreading across your face. “Oh, right. Because nothing says riveting education like listening to you lecture about... what was it again? The Battle of Saratoga?”

Logan gave you a deadpan look. “Better than listening to you talk about Mr. Darcy.”

The class was barely holding it together at this point, eyes darting between the two of you like they were watching the most interesting tennis match of their lives. They didn’t realize they were watching an argument between two professors who had been very happily married for years—and this was just your everyday banter.

You shrugged, standing from your desk and making a show of addressing the students. “Alright, everyone, class dismissed. And don’t forget your essays are due on Friday.” Your students groaned but began packing up their things.

Logan crossed his arms, watching them leave with a faint look of amusement on his face. He turned his attention back to you, his voice low enough that only you could hear. “Friday? Cruel, even for you.”

“Hey, they’ve had two weeks to work on those essays. Besides,” you shot him a wink, “maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll start shipping Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth instead of... what was it again? Wolverine and the English Professor?”

Logan rolled his eyes, but there was a twitch at the corner of his mouth that told you he was amused. He leaned against your desk as the last of your students filed out of the room, throwing glances back at the two of you and whispering as they went. “You know they think we hate each other, right?”

You grinned, stepping closer to him once the classroom was empty. “Well, we do give them plenty of ammunition for that theory.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, looking down at you with that familiar, teasing glint in his eyes. “And yet, they still seem convinced we’re meant to be.”

You laughed softly, resting your hand on his chest. “I wonder what they’d think if they knew we were married.”

Logan smirked, his hand sliding to your waist. “Probably think I brainwashed you or somethin’.”

“Oh, definitely. I mean, who in their right mind would marry the ‘mean’ history professor with anger issues?”

He leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a low rumble that always sent a shiver through you. “Guess you like a challenge.”

Your fingers trailed lightly over his chest, your heart warming at how easy and natural this was. “You’re not that much of a challenge.”

Logan chuckled, leaning down to brush a kiss against your temple, his voice softening. “Guess I’m lucky, then.”

The moment lingered, quiet and intimate, until the sound of hurried footsteps outside the door reminded you where you were. You quickly pulled back, even though no one was around, and gave him a playful push. “Go teach your class, Professor Howlett.”

Logan chuckled, adjusting his stance. “You’re gonna pay for makin’ me late,” he muttered, though his tone was far from serious.

“I’m terrified,” you deadpanned, smirking as you leaned against your desk.

As he turned to leave, one of your students poked their head back into the room, eyes wide with curiosity. “Hey, uh, Professor? Are you and Professor Howlett... like, a thing?”

You barely managed to keep a straight face. “No, no,” you said, shaking your head with a smile. “We’re just coworkers. He’s not my type.”

Logan paused in the doorway, casting a glance over his shoulder. “You’re really gonna lie to the poor kid like that?”

The student’s eyes widened as Logan threw you a wink before walking out of the classroom. “What does that mean?” the student asked, completely intrigued.

You just waved it off, chuckling to yourself as you grabbed your bag. “It means... you’ll just have to keep guessing.”

[kinardsboy]

Buddie shippers have tried to coin the moral superiority and high ground with their ship and I’m sick of it

This not only comes from a place of homophobia but also heteronormativity. Buddie is inherently better because “they’re a family” ignoring the fact that Evan and Tommy could easily build their own, they are constantly pushing buddie into heteronormative roles, ESPECIALLY Buck.

They go out of their way and try so hard to prove Tommy never changed for the better, that he is still the same person he was nearly 20 years ago. That he isn’t deserving of Buck, all to prove their claim of “your ship bad and toxic therefore mine better.” Again, putting themselves on the moral high ground so their criticisms and weird hater behavior seems more justified and acceptable than when we speak out.

When that doesnt work? No problem. They just turn to straight homophobia and conservative talking points.

“Tommy wanted Eddie first but settled for Buck” sure man, I’m surprised you could take Eddies dick out of your mouth long enough to type that sentence.

“Tommy only wants sex, like most gay men do” Yes this is an actual quote from a post criticizing Tommy! Again! Homophobia! If Tommy only wanted sex theres.. grindr.. its fucking LA?? However I do find it interesting that the idea of queer men (Gay men especially) wanting sex and not feeling bad about it is something that upsets these people so much.. i wonder why the idea of gay sex makes them uncomfortable 🤔

Which brings me to their next talking point

The daddy kink scene.

I don’t even want to go into the awful violent things that were posted in response to a gay man flirting with his boyfriend, but I’m sure most of you all have seen them already so I’ll keep it vague. We all know Buck initiated that flirting scene, we all know Buck brought up daddy kink and Tommy reciprocated.

But because they can’t possibly imagine their precious little baby Buck partaking in such heinous kinks? Well then it MUST be Tommy who started it! Therefore BuckTommy is bad because Tommy is into “gross” or “immoral” kinks and makes everything about sex and so..? Yep! Buddie better ! Buddie the safe clean option!

SPEAKING of making everything about sex lets talk about the way buddie shippers tried to say “youre a vision in a cone” was about PUPPY PLAY??

Again I find it sooo interesting that these people are trying to base morals and high ground on two men possibly engaging in kink. Isnt that interesting?

The compliment was obviously not puppy play kink but even if it was who the fuck cares? They’re grown ass men? They can partake in kink???

Why are you twice now claiming that BuckTommy , and lets be honest here, mainly Tommy is a bad person and ship because of sexual attraction? Because of kinks?

Good thing their fave is a fucking catholic cause they all sure act like one

[musicalmoritz]

It’s canon Mitsuba’s gay?

I’m gonna use this as an excuse to yap because Mitsuba’s queercoding is either weirdly downplayed by fans or used solely for BL shipping purposes so I want to talk about it through the lens of what it means for his character, role in the story, and relationship with Kou

Yes, Mitsuba is canonically gay

Things don’t have to be explicitly stated in order to be canon, subtext is a major part of media analysis. This is something a lot of fans miss which leads to a misunderstanding of the source material. I do have some credentials for this, I’ve taken two undergrad college literature classes in which the subject of queercoding did come up multiple times. Meaning analyzing queercoding has literally gone towards my degree so I feel like my opinion holds some weight (not as much as that of an actual English major but yk I assume I’ve had more education on it than the general TBHK fandom)

There are multiple ways to queercode a character, sometimes it can be as simple as feminizing a man or masculinizing a woman. Though that method might be a bit outdated nowadays with gender roles becoming less strict, it’s still worth keeping in mind when analyzing queer characters. Another way is through romantically colored scenes with characters of the same sex, or by having them hint at disinterest in the opposite sex. Mitsuba checks off all three of these boxes and then some

First off, Mitsuba is attracted to men. This is made extremely obvious through his relationship with Kou but I’m gonna explain it anyways because unfortunately I’ve seen a lot of fans say they’re just platonic

Mitsuba and Kou went on a date. When this is brought up, fans typically jump to the excuse of “but Kou said it wasn’t a date,” which is where my American Lit class is going to come in handy. One of the major things we learned is that authors have to understand that everything they write has some sort of real world connotation. If you write a scene with a doctor, you have to understand that your readers already have preconceived notions of what doctors represent. You can choose to either lean into that or subvert it, but you have to be aware that as soon as a doctor enters the scene, readers have already made assumptions about that character

The word “date” is clearly being used in a romantic context here. When Kou texts his friends and brother about it, they all assume he’s talking about a romantic date. While in the actual context of the scene, Mitsuba and Kou aren’t quite ready to use such a strong label yet, the romantic wording here is still very intentional. AidaIro would not have labeled this moment as a date if they didn’t want readers to view it in a romantic light, because they understand that their readers are going to associate dates with romance. Japanese censorship is really strict, it’s hard to publish stories with explicitly queer characters unless the series is labeled as a BL or GL. And so Japanese manga writers often have to find roundabout ways to express that characters are gay without outright stating it- such as suggesting that they’re going on a date with a character of the same sex

In the printed volume for Vol.20, there’s an editor’s note that mentions that when Kou and Mitsuba are making plans to hang out at the school festival, it holds a romantic implication for the Japanese audience. Cultural differences are important to keep in mind, to western fans this scene might not raise any eyebrows but for its primary audience, it is confirmation that Mitsuba and Kou are romantic. I also find it interesting that the editor felt this context was important enough to warrant clarification

And frankly, their relationship doesn’t make a lot of sense if it’s solely platonic. Male friendship is something TBHK writes very realistically, the male characters aren’t as touchy-feely with their friends as they are with their female love interests. Yokoo and Satou don’t directly ask Kou how he’s feeling when they notice he’s upset, instead they give him a task to distract him- similar to how men in real life cheer their friends up through quality time rather than talking through their emotions like women do (not every man ofc but a good majority of them). When Teru is down, Akane doesn’t hold him and reassure him the way he does with Aoi. There are no grand declarations of ultimate “friendship” the way you see in fan servicy series like Haikyuu. Instead, he used his and Teru’s rivalry to indirectly motivate him to get his head back in the game. When Hanako is sad, Kou cheers him up by making donuts for him and then giving them to Nene so she can pretend she’s the one who made them. This is a very healthy portrayal of male friendship, and Mitsuba and Kou are nothing like this

Mitsuba and Kou both cry and vent to each other multiple times (the Mitsuba Arc, the Picture Perfect Arc, the Nightlife Arc), and instead of comforting each other indirectly they do things like offering to die for each other. You would never see Akane offer to die to make Teru feel better, nor would you Aoi and Nene or Kou and Hanako. It stands out so much from other friendships in the series, even Kou’s friendships with other characters. That is a conscious writing decision, AidaIro make a point to show Mitsuba as an exception for Kou. It’s worth noting that in the same chapter where Yokoo and Satou cheer Kou up indirectly, Mitsuba attempts to directly have him talk about his feelings

They’re also incredibly possessive over one another, in a way friends usually aren’t. When Kou was in the Red House, he was shown his greatest desires, and Mitsuba appeared in one of these. Kou said he knew Mitsuba would appear, which is interesting because at that point he had already picked up on the house showing him what he wanted. But what does he want? He wants Mitsuba to rely on him entirely, to be completely useless without him. He wants Mitsuba to be “no good without him,” to need him so badly that he begs him to die so they can be together. I’m not exaggerating, these are lines pulled straight from the chapter (paraphrased but still). Later on in the Nightlife arc, Kou breaks down when he discovers Mitsuba has been relying on Tsukasa for life-saving help. As for Mitsuba, he wants to die by Kou’s hands. He says it wouldn’t be satisfying if anyone else killed him, and that he would be happy if Kou were to be the last person he spent time with before he died. He tries to trap Kou in a picture perfect world just like Hanako does with Nene, because he wants to live a normal life with him. It’s also shown in one of the extras that Mitsuba cries when Kou ignores him

They’re also drawn very romantically, again we don’t see Teru and Akane this intimate with one another unless they’re fighting. We especially don’t see Kou this intimate with anyone other than Mitsuba, and while Mitsuba is sometimes clingy with Tsukasa we certainly never see him posed romantically with a woman. This comes back to authorial intent and real world connotations, AidaIro know that male friends aren’t typically this close, and therefore casual affection like this will be interpreted in a romantic light. We see them hold hands/wrists multiple times too, Kou gives Mitsuba a piggyback ride in one scene, and in ASHK they had a classic “pinned against the wall” page

I’ll also mention the AUs, because those indicate a lot about the characters as well. In Hanako-Kun of the Opera, Kou poisoned Mitsuba so he could take him away from the opera house and protect him from Tsukasa. He basically kidnapped him. He also stayed with Mitsuba at the opera house for a seemingly long period of time despite hating opera. Aaaaand they’re childhood best friends in this au and Kou took care of Mitsuba while he was sick

Then there’s the Ghost Hotel, where Kou is a werewolf who takes bites out of mummy Mitsuba during full moons. Despite this, the two appear to be friends and Mitsuba helps Kou out around the kitchen. Cannibalism is consistently tied to romance throughout TBHK, most notably with Hakubo and Sumire but other romantic pairings have cannibalistic moments or official arts. During the zombie mokke chapter, Nene panicked when Akane tries to eat her because she assumed it would put her in a love triangle with Aoi. So yeah, cannibalism in TBHK is directly tied to romance and we see that with Mitsukou both in canon and in this au. Speaking of which, I’m not even gonna get into the symbolism of Kou holding a heart out to Mitsuba. Connect the dots for yourselves

Now that we’ve got Mitsukou out of the way, let’s talk about Mitsuba’s disinterest in women

Remember how I said one of the ways queercoding is done is by having a character hint at disinterest in the opposite sex? Yeah, very rarely are we going to see a queercoded male character outright say “I have no attraction to women.” Instead they say they just never saw the appeal in dating, or that they never had time to settle down. In more obvious cases, we have scenes like Reiner from AOT joking that Ymir isn’t all that into guys

I couldn’t find the second scene but there are TWO extras where the subject of Mitsuba’s disinterest in women comes up. C’mon guys I’m trying not to be mean here but you have to be blind, oblivious, or in denial to not pick up on that. Whyyyyy would they mention Mitsuba not having a crush on any girls twice if it weren’t to suggest something about his preference?? Coupled with his appearance (which I’ll get to later) and relationship with Kou, these scenes carry a lot of weight. Even if those other aspects weren’t included, scenes like this would still indicate he has no interest in women (which would make him gay or aroace, though due to his relationship with Kou the aroace thing is kind of ruled out)

Compare this to a scene where Mitsuba thinks he’s being asked out by a man. He doesn’t say “hmmm nope no guys, I’m cuter than all of them~” he specifically says “I’m not interested in guys with lame earrings.” The way this is worded implies that Mitsuba is discussing a type, though it’s v much a comedic scene and we know from everything else that he absolutely does like guys with lame earrings, it’s still worded in a way that makes him appear queer. If he were straight, they would have had him say he’s not interested in guys at all (like Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs, John Watson from BBC Sherlock, Finn Hudson from Glee, idk there are a lot of male characters that are explicit straight sorry for the crazy random list). Also note how he teases Kou about it, he knows that Kou is fond of him and doesn’t hesitate to use that against him (like when he was comforting him during the Nightlife arc)

They don’t go overboard with Mitsuba’s disinterest in women because, well, that’s not really necessary. Two scenes is already a lot, and he doesn’t have any romantic relationships with women in canon (even as a crush/a joke scene). It’s rare for TBHK characters to have absolutely no scenes expressing interest in the opposite sex, since the series is partially a romance. But Mitsuba consistently only ever shows interest in one man, and when girls are brought up he’s quick to brush it off. His mom did think Nene was his girlfriend when they met, but this was depicted as a very awkward and comedic scene. Because the premise of Mitsuba having a girlfriend is objectively hilarious

(Due to Sousuke’s young age it’s reasonable to assume he wasn’t out to his mom yet, he’s around the age where most kids are closeted. It’s even possible that Sousuke hadn’t come to terms with his sexuality yet, though it’s still a prevalent part of both his character and No.3’s)

Now let’s move onto appearances. I want to give a quick disclaimer, not all gay men are feminine and not all feminine men are gay. Androgyny is also very common in anime and doesn’t automatically mean a character is gay, but there are cases when it’s used for queercoding. Mitsuba is one of these cases

Mitsuba is a very feminine character, this is addressed as soon as he shows up in the manga. He was bullied for his appearance (and personality), but unlike his personality he never tried to change his feminine appearance. He kept his hair long, continues to wear scarves and cardigans and earrings. No.3 wears these things as well, and I would argue has a more feminine personality since he seems to be more open about his emotions and idk. I struggle to categorize feminine and masculine traits because imo that’s subjective but there are things society deems feminine vs. masculine. The problem is that I really dislike the whole “men are strong and women are emotional” thing but ehhhh I guess I have to talk about it for this. Hmph. But yeah although Mitsuba isn’t exactly the biggest sweetheart ever, he does act somewhat feminine compared to the other male characters (as I’ve said he’s p much the only man in the series who attempts to work through emotional conflicts directly)

Once again we circle back to intent, AidaIro know that a male character dressed in pink with pink eyes and long pink hair is going to raise some eyebrows. Even by androgynous anime standards, it’s a bit much. And good for him, although not all gay men are feminine, some are and that’s also fine. I can’t speak on how well he represents feminine gay men because I’m a lesbian but he does dress similar to some of the feminine gay men I’ve known irl (or slightly less feminine in some cases…I knew this one dude in high school who used to wear corsets to class and he was so badass I hope he’s doing well)

I could get into how Kou is a bit feminized too with the whole housework thing but this ain’t abt him. I will say that Kou is still a very masculine character but despite this his character is feminized in some ways compared to the other men. I’m not really here to discuss whether that’s good or bad, I’m just stating the evidence as it is, you can make your own conclusions as to how you feel about it

So how does being queer impact Mitsuba’s character arc?

When I get around to writing my analyses of all the TBHK characters I WILL be talking more in depth about the queer allegories with Mitsuba’s character but for now I’ll give ya’ll a quick summary. Supernatural characters have been used for years to represent queerness, the same could be said for villains and any character trope that represents a feeling of “otherness.” Sometimes it’s more broad like X-Men, where the superpowered characters are used to represent all types of minorities (though I believe X-Men is more closely tied to race, there are rampant queer themes as well). Then there’s books like Interview with the Vampire that get more specific with it, where Louis denying his “true nature” as a vampire is used as an allegory for him denying his queerness. Well I’m here to tell you that Mitsuba and Louis de Pointe du Lac are in the same boat

Mitsuba differs from the other supernaturals because he desperately tries to hold on to feelings of normalcy. He wants to be a normal human and live a normal human life. He doesn’t want to be othered, to be outcasted from society for something he can’t control. We don’t see Hanako, Tsuchigomori, Mei, or any of the other supernatural characters struggle with this. You could argue that Akane does but his situation is more related to learning to empathize with others than any internal battles within himself. Hanako may have moments of wishing him and Nene could have something more, but that’s more about romance than his identity.

This desire to be “normal” is unique to Mitsuba’s character, and it’s a very queer desire. Being an angsty teenager who hasn’t fully accepted themself yet and hasn’t realized that being queer is not only normal, but a beautiful experience. It’s also so interesting to me that as he’s trying so hard to be normal, it creates a push and pull between him and Kou. He wants to be normal for Kou but he also feels that he’s hurting Kou just by existing, that this could only end bad for him. Oh the inherent guilt of having your first gay crush and feeling like you're corrupting them hist for pining from afar

So, can you ship him with women? Technically you can do anything, shipping isn’t illegal and we all have free will. Should you ship him with women is more subjective, I personally think no!! Queerness is not just a sexuality, it’s an identity that deeply impacts who you are as a person. It shapes your experiences and your view of yourself, and in an allegorical way it has certainly done this for Mitsuba. Yes, bi people are queer as well and this is still true for them, but bisexuality is not Mitsuba’s experience. Mono-attraction exists and that specification is very important to gay men and lesbians. For some people sexuality is fluid and that’s beautiful, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone

Some queer fans don’t care if gay characters are shipped with members of the opposite sex, and they’re entitled to their own opinions. It makes me immensely uncomfortable tho, so please block me if you ship Mitsuba with women. That goes for any ships between canon gay/lesbian characters and the opposite sex. I respect people’s right to have opinions but that doesn’t mean I have to like the opinions themselves, and I don’t have to engage with anything that makes me uneasy. That goes for all of you btw, never let people convince you that you have to put up with shit you hate on the internet lmao, this is not real life babes. Block and move on

TL;DR

Mitsuba is too gay to function

[nolita-fairytale]

bad moon rising | carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader

summary: in another lifetime, you meet mikey berzatto by chance one halloween night in nyc.

or, the fic based on this headcanon

warnings: angst, use of she/her pronouns, no use of y/n, second person pov, drug usage, high mikey b, swearing, family drama, depression, not a happy ending

wc: 3.7k

a/n: i wrote about grief again. shocking, i know. thank you all for your interest based on the headcanon it came from and thank you for your patience. i wanted so badly to post this around halloween and have been sitting on it since the better part of last year as one of my wips. finally, finally, it's here!! i took a slightly different approach than the headcanon, but i think it still does it justice. let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the carmy taglist.

this what-if fic takes place october 2021 because it's make my heart surrender-canon that mikey and reader never met; reader x carmy are best friends and colleagues but it has not gone further than that.

masterlist

Halloween, in another lifetime:

“Can I get hands, please!” Carmy shouts out to the entire kitchen, only to be met with a strong chorus of ‘hands’ in response.

His team works together like a well-oiled machine; a tight run ship, led by a captain near-suffocated under the weight of the chip on his shoulder. 

“Chef!” you hear the sound of your general manager’s voice ring through the kitchen, causing many a-heads to turn. She rarely comes into the kitchen during dinner service unless it’s serious. Her eyes lock with Carmy’s as he looks up from his expo, as if she’s about to deliver bad news. 

His mind races through the possibilities, preparing to solve the next oncoming crisis. Could it be an undercooked steak? An overcooked duck breast? Another complaint of ‘too salty’ or ‘underseasoned?’ 

“Chef, you uh… you have a visitor,” she says instead–the last thing he expects to hear. 

A visitor? 

“Wh-?” 

“Someone’s here to see you. Says he’s your… brother??” Carmy’s ears begin to burn, as he searches for your face amidst the chaos, your gaze there to catch him even from across the kitchen. Your presence feels reassuring, like a strong man in a storm. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s knee deep into service and he cannot get the sound of tickets being added to the expo out of his head. He opens his mouth to say something but he’s uncertain any words come out of his mouth, unsure of what he’d even say. You send him a reassuring nod, and it’s as if in one look, you’ve made the decision to go. 

“Chef, you good?” Carmy hears you ask the head pastry chef. 

“Yeah, we got it. But don’t take too long,” she answers with a curt nod of approval. 

He watches as you nod again, this time in recognition of your boss’ answer, as you pull the food-grade nitrile gloves off of your hands, discarding them in the nearby trash can. Without a word, you follow Kate closely behind, exchanging a few words with her as the two of you disappear to the front of house. There’s a war inside of Carmy as he watches you go–a pang of guilt and a feeling of relief–that whatever it is, you’ve agreed to take care of it. 

In all of the years that he’s been in New York, no one’s come to see him–the possibility of it happening now, let alone as a surprise, feels improbable. 

Must be a prank or some shit…. 

It couldn’t really be Michael, could it? 

As you seek out the answer, your feet carrying you faster than you anticipated, you realize that you’re searching for a face you’ve only seen in photographs. Kate follows closely behind while you push through the front door of the restaurant only to find a man pacing just outside of the restaurant, a ghostface mask in hand. You can tell he’s been sweating, the circles under his eyes just as dark as the ones you’ve become so familiar with in Carmy, with an anxious look in his eyes as his gaze turns towards you. 

He’s certainly not the larger-than-life older brother you’ve seen in the sparse amount of pictures that Carmy’s shown you.  

“I got this, Kate,” you mutter over your shoulder with a confident nod, letting your general manager know that you’re good on your own. “You sure?” she asks you quietly. 

“I’m sure,” you answer, watching as a disappointed look spread across Michael’s face as soon as he sees that: 

“You’re not Carmen.” 

“Uh… no. I’m not,” you reply, hearing the front door to the restaurant close behind you. The man swears under his breath, and you watch as face changes from disappointment to annoyance quickly, as you try your best to come up with an explanation that may satisfy him. “He uh… he can’t come out. Not right now. So he sent me.” 

Michael scoffs with a shake of his head, his eyebrows quickly rising and falling incredulously as he takes another drag off his cigarette. 

“Shit... the guy can't even make time to see his big brother?" he asks, the annoyance obvious in his voice this time. 

You take a step towards him, your arms folded across your chest. 

“I’m sorry. I-, I don't think he was expecting you,” you answer, much more compassionately this time. 

“Right,” Michael mumbles, barely loud enough for you to hear. You watch as he throws the butt of his cigarette down on the pavement, before stamping it out. 

“It’s just-. He would if he could. I know it. It's just a busy night. I-... we're doing 200 covers tonight and uh... well, he runs the kitchen so,” you try again, and you can practically feel the disappointment (and resentment) burying itself deeper in Michael. 

“Yeah, no thanks, lady. You don’t need to explain it to me. Jagoff can’t even make time to say ‘hi’ to his brother. Sends you to do his dirty work instead,” Michael dismisses you, bitterly. 

He takes a beat. And then another, as if he’s accepted that he’s not going to see Carmy after all. 

“Why don’t you come inside? I’m sure-,” you offer, taking another step towards him. 

“‘S alright, sweetheart,” he dismisses you again, this time gentler. “You don’t need to make up for his bullshit.” 

You open your mouth to say something—anything in defense of Carmy—but you’re certain that nothing you have to say will be enough for your best friend’s older brother (save for Carmy coming out here himself).

With a nod, you accept defeat, turning to go back inside. But there’s something that stops you—like you just can’t just go back inside without trying to remedy the situation one last time. This time all you say is:

“I don’t know how long you’re in town for but… we should be off by midnight.”

Michael only offers you a sympathetic smile before you slip back inside. 

—---------------------------------------

It’s not until you and Carmy are packing up your things to head home that he brings it up—his mysterious visitor—hesitant to ask the question that’s been eating at him all night. 

“So uh… was it really him? Michael?” he asks you, cautiously, as he watches your face carefully for any kind of reaction. 

“Uh… yeah. I mean, at least the guy I recognized from your pictures,” you reply, hoping that the answer (or the fact that he missed his brother) won’t break his heart. 

A beat.

“What’d he want?” Carmy asks, trying to mask his curiosity as best as possible. 

“I don’t know,” you answer honestly. “Seems like he found himself in the city. I didn’t ask. I didn’t… know if you wanted me to.” 

Carmy tries again. 

“Oh no. It’s-, no I didn’t-, no, it’s okay.” 

He takes his time, making up his mind about what he wants to say next. 

“It’s weird, right? Guy can barely pick up the phone to say hello but… he can show up unannounced and just like-, expect me to drop everything?” he asks you—the look in his eyes telling you that his mind is miles away. 

“I- I don’t know, Carmy,” you reply, heavily. “Are you… do you wish you had gone instead of me?” 

Carmy’s quiet as he follows you out of the back door of the restaurant, thinking his answer over. 

“I don’t know,” he answers slowly, a lack of confidence as the words fall out of his mouth. “Maybe?” 

He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel and right now he just feels… ambushed, which only makes him want to shut down. 

Instead, Carmy changes the subject back to your post-work plans, the two of you debating what kind of post-shift late night meal you’re going to have before settling on a few slices of pizza on the way back to your place. You and Carmy cut through the alley to the front of the restaurant so that you can begin your late-night sojourn, and it’s only when he spots something odd that he stops you. 

“What the fuck?” Carmy cuts you off, holding an arm out in front of you to stop you from walking any further. 

You follow his line of sight right over to a figure moving towards the both of you. In the brief glimpse you’ve gotten of the person moving towards you, all you can see is a quick flash of the ghostface mask they hold in their hands as a bus drives by, obstructing your view. 

Carmy’s heart stops, fear filling his chest as the bus speeds by, the person getting closer and closer until…

“Michael?!” Carmy shouts, squinting as he sees the man approach. His expression of pure shock leaves his jaw agape, rendering him speechless as he scrambles to try to find better words that: 

“What-, what the fuck are you doing here?” 

“Shit,” Michael scoffs playfully, with a chuckle, his breath uneven from the light jogging pace he’d kept. Michael takes note of the arm his younger brother’s extended, shielding you from him. “What? Can’t your big brother come surprise ya in the big city?” 

Carmy shoots him a look that says, ‘when have you ever done that’ and Michael nods knowingly, his eyebrows quickly raising, then lowering as he makes peace with the fact that he’s never been that guy. 

“Me and Deb… we came up for the weekend,” Mikey admits with a heavy sigh. “Tried to do something nice for her but, you know, broad’s been a real bitch-.” 

“Mikey,” Carmy warns, taking a tone you recognize—the kind he uses when he’s going to yell at the saucier for a broken mornay. 

“Right,” Mike course corrects at the volume of a mumble, heaving a heavy, yet disarming sigh. 

Carmy nods slowly as he allows some part of him to relax, his arm falling away from you as the two of you exchange a look. 

“We uh…. Got into another fight. She’s on her way back to Chicago now,” Mikey explains, the disappointment evident in his voice this time, almost as if it were an apology. 

“Sorry,” Carmy mutters quietly, as you exchange a look with him. 

“Nah it’s-, she’ll get over it,” Mikey brushes off with a shrug, his tone shifting as he extens an arm out to you.

“Fuck, where are my manners? I never properly introduced myself earlier. I’m Mikey. Mikey Berzatto,” he grins with a charm and confidence that’s been absent in both of your interactions with him till now. The smile that spreads across his face is contagious as he looks from you to Carmy, then back to you. “Shit. I’m sorry. ‘M fuckin’ jagoff, interupting your night like this. I should probably get-.” 

“No!” you protest, almost too quickly, earning a look from Carmy. “We weren’t-, we were just getting off work and were gonna grab a bite. Maybe even… a drink?” you suggest, a hopefulness in your eyes as you turn towards Carmy. 

“Yeah?” Michael asks, his interest piqued. 

“Uhm. Just gonna grab a bite actually,” Carmy forces out, sending a glare in your direction. 

“You know what’s crazy? I know a spot. With food. And drinks,” you challenge him, silently begging him to just go with it. 

“You cool with that, Carm?” Mike asks this time, looking from you to his younger brother once more. It’s the first time that Carmy thinks Michael’s ever looked to him for approval. 

Carmy’s quiet for a moment, torn between wanting to burn it all down or declare a gleeful ‘yes’ because at least Mikey wants to spend time with him. 

“Um. Uh. Yeah. Yeah okay,” Carmy finally agrees. 

“Alright, let’s fuckin’ do it!” Mikey rallies. 

And as he turns to go, your voice instructing him that it’s only a few blocks from here, you and Carmy fall into stride, just a few steps behind Mikey. 

“I’m gonna kill you,” Carmy threatens you—though there’s no weight to it—through gritted teeth. 

You shove him playfully, bumping your shoulder against his side as the two of you walk, answering with a promise that: “You’ll thank me later.” 

—---------------------------------------

You sit on one side of Carmy, Mikey on the other, and you can see why Carmy looks at his older brother like he hung the sun, the moon, and the stars above. There’s something different about Michael—something different than when you met him just hours ago outside of the restaurant—as he corrals the three of you into a round of shots. 

As the shots of tequila arrive at the bar, Carmy dismisses his, his attention fixed to the still-full whiskey on the rocks he’d ordered earlier, just to appease his older brother. He watches you carefully as you and Mikey clink glasses before throwing back your own respective shots. 

“Carm?” Mikey asks, nodding towards the third, untouched shot glass. 

Carmy hesitates. 

“It’s fine. I’ll take his,” you jump in, half as an attempt to give Carmy the out he so desperately desires, and half because, admittedly, meeting the great Mikey Berzatto makes you a little nervous.

Before anyone can protest, you reach out, picking up the shot glass, before tapping it down against the bar top, fearlessly throwing it back. Michael watches you with a sense of amusement, as your face crinkles in response to the sting of the liquor and the bitterness of the lime you chase it with. 

He smirks, sharing a knowing look with his younger brother that says, “I like this girl,” which in turn only causes Carmy to blush. Before Mikey can say anything more, the song that blares through the speakers changes, earning his attention as he hears the familiar words:

“I see the bad moon a-risin' I see trouble on the way I see earthquakes and lightnin' I see bad times today”

“Alright, alright. Think it’s a little too on the nose if I admit that I love this song? On Halloween? C’maaaaaahn,” Mikey asks, almost as if it’s a confession in reference to the easily recognizable Creedance Clearwater revival hit. 

“No! No, I love this song,” you’re quick to assuage his hesitation as your eyes light up in response to his recognition. 

“You got good taste, kid,” Michael notes confidently, winking in his brother’s direction. “I like this girl, Carm.”

Only this time, he says it out loud. Carmy only shakes his head, the blush already running across his cheeks taking a deeper shade of red. 

“Yeah, yeah. Uh. You both uh.. Like music,” Carmy smiles, gesturing from you to his brother. At least this is going a lot better than he expected it to, he reminds himself. 

“Oh yeah?” Michael asks, clearly intrigued. 

“Oh that’s right!” you exclaim, simultaneously. The excitement that brews within you has you stumbling over your words as you manage to get out:

“You’re-, oh my god! The Lennon jacket!” 

“What?” Mike asks, shooting you a funny look. 

“I’m sorry. I just-. I realize I’m not-,” you stammer over your words, trying your best to explain your earlier exclamation over your own excitement. 

“You gave Carmy the denim jacket – the 1950s selvedge Wrangler!” 

“Just like the-,” Michael starts, the two of you finishing his sentence at once with: 

“... just like the one John Lennon had!” 

“Marry this girl, Carm. Marry her right now. Tonight! Or I will,” Michael encourages, slapping his hand down against the bar. He speaks with so much bravado and conviction that you can only imagine that there was none left for Carmy. “Fuckin’ christ. I never should’ve let you two meet,” Carmy groans on an exasperated exhale as he shakes his head once again. 

“Oh c’mon, Carm,” Mikey rouses him, with a playful eye roll. 

“It’s totally my favorite jacket of his! I-, well, it’s a long story but we actually became friends over the jacket because he spilled a drink on me and-,”

“Ahhh real smooth.” 

“No! No, it was okay, I promise. I-, I don’t know if we would’ve gotten to know each other if he hadn’t so-. Call it a lucky jacket, I guess,” you smile, stealing a look in Carmy’s direction. He shoots the smallest smile back to you, cognizant of the fact that Mikey’s observing the entire interaction. 

As you begin to tell Michael the story about the aforementioned Lennon jacket, it could be minutes, hours, or days that pass, once you and Mikey finish trading facts about music like they’re trivia cards. It’s almost as entertaining as watching Mikey and Carmy go at it, bouncing facts about the history of denim like you’re at the French Open. 

You excuse yourself to the restrooms—partially because you really have to pee and partially because it seems like this evening is going well—wanting to give both brothers some time alone. And as soon as you’re out of earshot, Mikey’s on Carmy like an FBI Investigation. 

“This your girl, Carm, or what?" he asks with a casualness to his voice that sets off alarms in Carmy’s head. 

"Mikey, stop it,” Carmy dismisses him, hoping more than anything for this to be the end of the conversation. 

Instead, Mikey scoffs, shaking his head as he downs another shot. 

"Then at least tell me you're hittin' that." 

“Michael!" Carmy hushes his brother, a warning and protectiveness in his voice this time. 

"Are you fuckin' serious right now, Bear?” Michael pushes further. “What, you're telling me you're not when she’s walkin’ around in your jacket, talkin’ about wearing your clothes to your big brother and I’m supposed to think-?" 

"She's not!” Carmy cuts him off. “She doesn’t do-, she’s.... my friend. Jus’ give it up alright.” 

"Shit. Wish I had a friend like that. Ya friends, kid, or are ya... you know... friends?" Mikey smirks, earning a venomous glare from his younger brother. 

Carmy shakes his head in response, jaw clenched, as he stares down at the bar top, a feeling inside of him that he doesn’t like when he even thinks about Mikey looking at you like that. 

"Shit, I thought I taught you better than that, Bear." 

There it is again.

That feeling. 

He’s not sure how to name it, but it’s enough to make Carmy want to deck his brother right then and there as it rises inside of him. 

"I'm serious, Mike. We’re just friends,” Carmy spits out. He’s much more serious this time. “Cut it out." 

But Michael’s too quick, his voice growing louder as he interjects on the tail end of Carmy’s insistence.

"Oh come on! The chick's smokin' fuckin' hot. And I can tell that you like her. I'm not blind, Carm. I see the way you-."

And if it’s as if something snaps inside of Carmy as he exclaims: 

"Don't talk to me like you know what's going on in my life! Fuck!" 

"Carm-." 

"Can't even pick up the damn phone and then you just... waltz into town acting like everything is okay?!” he fumes, standing up out of his chair. 

His face grows redder with each word, and it only confirms Mikey’s suspicions: that his little brother is absolutely a goner for you. He’s not sure he’s ever seen Carmy like this and he’s torn between feeling proud of his kid brother or pissed that the kid’s turning this around on him. 

"Well, if you ever bothered to come home. You know mom's been askin' about you since you never fuckin’-,” Mikey roars, eager to relinquish the hotseat here.

“Oh don't bring mom into this!" Carmy protests.

It’s your voice that snaps him out of it—brings him back to earth as he hears you ask:

“Everything okay?” 

Carmy can practically hear his heart pounding away in his ears; can feel the blood rushing through his head as he takes a deep breath. He swallows, takes a beat, then turns to you. 

“Yeah uh. I think we should go,” he states, his voice uneven and tense as you try to get a read on either brother. 

“Uh… yeah, I guess we can-, um,” you stammer out, wondering how things went from good to hell in a matter of minutes. Carmy mutters something about getting your stuff as you try your best to put the pieces together. 

“It was uh, nice to meet you, Mikey,” you say softly, as soon as you get your coat on. 

“Yeah. You too, sweetheart,” he nods, something distant in his voice. Carmen scoffs at his brother’s usage of the word before tugging on your arm. 

You wait a beat, in anticipation of some kind of goodbye between the brothers, but there is none as you follow Carmy out of the bar. 

—---------------------------------------

Halloween, again — in this lifetime:

When Carmy comes to, he can hear the faint sounds of an episode of Pasta Grannies in the background, uncertain of what time it is. 

“Hey, you. You fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t have the heart to wake you up,” you say, as he begins to sit up. Carmy blinks his eyes a few more times, watching as you make your way from the kitchen island over to the couch, taking a seat at his feet. 

“Did you still want to watch a scary movie? You know, in the spirit of the holiday?” you ask him with a soft chuckle. 

All Carmy can remember before falling asleep was what he was thinking about: what it would be like if you had met Mikey. It’s something he thinks of often, especially as the two of you grow closer—as your relationship gets more serious—and it’s something he hates that he’ll never be able to give to you. 

“This was his favorite holiday,” Carmy manages to get out, the sleep heavy in his voice. 

You’re not all that surprised. Carmy’s been on edge lately and you assumed it was because Mikey’s birthday’s coming up. But this… this makes sense too. 

“I wish I could’ve met him,” you smile, reaching out for one of his hands. 

Carmy nods. 

“Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Think he would’ve loved you.” 

Maybe a little too much, he thinks to himself. 

“You think so?” you ask with a vulnerability and a desire for reassurance that catches Carmy off guard. 

He nods with much more confidence this time, offering you a soft, sympathetic smile.  

“Yeah, sweetheart. I know so.”

[sh00kspeared]

“Johnny loves female V way more than he loves male V”

“Johnny isn’t bi; he had flings with men but truly can only fall in love with women”

“Johnny and V’s dynamic is less interesting with two men”

“Johnny and V are based off of [X classic literature dynamic], and that’s a story about a man and a woman. It could never work with two men.”

“Johnny is the poster child for a tough male archetype; it wouldn’t make sense for him to have a boyfriend.”

I don’t think people who say these things realize what they’re really doing (all of the comments above are things that I have seen more than one person say, by the way, so this isn’t a passive aggressive callout post for a one or two select people or anything).

As someone with a beloved male V x Johnny ship that I’ve spent hours pouring my heart and soul into— writing lore, doing VP, making art— imagine, guys, how it feels for me to read these comments. For others with the same ship dynamic as me to read these comments. Imagine how it would feel if I went to YOUR fem V X Johnny ship and went ‘ackchully, that could never be canon! Johnny loves men more!” Not good, right?

There are times in the past where people have written literal ESSAYS in comments sections about why my ship is bad. And I’m not gonna sugarcoat it: if you say these things to people who are just trying to share art and headcanons, I’m sorry, but you’ve got some issues to work out with yourself. If you have the time to be so worked up about Johnny holding hands with someone who has a dick that you write a long paragraph about how much better fem V is, then I’m not the problem.

And, by the way, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it till this point, but Johnny is canonically bisexual; I’m not just headcanoning here. He’s made comments about wanting to fuck men, more than once have certain devs + the official Cyberpunk Twitter account liked and reposted images of him with male V, his character was based off of David Bowie (a bisexual person), and the official game guide says that Johnny slept with Kerry and Henry. I am not criticizing people who don’t know this information, think Johnny is straight, and are politely concerned about people disrespecting his sexuality— I’ve met plenty of people who don’t know Johnny’s sexuality and nicely go, “oh, I didn’t know that!” when I tell them. No, I’m referring to the people who know this information and choose to ignore it because they don’t like the idea of Johnny being bisexual, or to the people who don’t know Johnny’s sexuality and instantly lash out at male V x Johnny ships because they assume he’s straight.

It also does a disservice to bi people in general to make so many assumptions about Johnny’s sexuality. I’ve seen people assume that Johnny is too ‘manly’ or doesn’t have enough gay mannerisms to be into men, which is very much stereotyping. It also assumes that him preferring women but still liking men means he’s still straight because he talked about sleeping with women more than sleeping with men (ever heard of the Kinsey scale)? Him having two canon girlfriends does not mean he couldn’t have had a boyfriend in the past or that he wouldn’t fall in love with a man (remember him saying he wished he’d fucked Kerry?).

If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of your female V being with a man who finds men attractive, then I’d recommend finding a different character to ship your V with.

Now, to conclude, I’m not denying that Johnny is likely female leaning, and I’m not saying you can’t think your specific female character is the most compatible match for Johnny. I am simply asking that the ship that I and many others have poured hours of our lives into be respected and treated with dignity, and that Johnny’s sexuality be treated with dignity.

[wroteclassicaly]

Nancy decided she didn’t want Steve. And now that she’s been away from Jonathan, has seen the growth Steve had to go through from everything he experienced (trauma, torture, being cheated on, thrown into the upside down shit, not to mention what he was going through before all of that, etc), he’s suddenly worthy of still being in love with? Don’t mess me with that shit, sis. Steve was never a bad boyfriend, nor was he a bad person. Before I started the show I expected some MAJOR douchebag that fucked his gf and then left her when he got what he wanted. Man’s only downfall was calling Jonathan names and being an asshole to other people (not counting him breaking Jonathan’s camera. He deserved it for taking those pics of Nancy and y’all know it).

He approached Nancy the very next day after he took her virginity to check on her. He constantly apologized when it wasn’t his fault. He only lashed out when he was hurt (rightfully so), and when he realized what nasty people Carol and Tommy were — he ditched them. Could he have handled Barb’s death better — sure. But he was also dealing with it, probably confused and pushing it down, and he tried to make things seem normal for Nancy’s sake, and for his own.

This shit of Nancy being jealous of Robin was so ignorant that I almost puked. And this was before I even finished the series. I knew I didn’t like Stancy when I watched the first two episodes (4x09 and 1x01). Nancy has to claim over Steve. Their individual growths should NOT be entwined. If you look at the inconsistency in trying to resurrect that ship, it almost seems like the D bros hate Nancy and Steve.

Their reunion will undo so much shit, and in my opinion, will destroy them. Not to mention that Steve will probably sacrifice himself in the name of Nancy and her future (avoiding the white picket fence garbage she didn’t want, whilst still getting their Stancy resurrection). They stripped Steve of his goals, his aspirations, they made him seem like he couldn’t date anyone, degraded him, swept his trauma under the rug, made him the butt of everyone joke, made it seem as if he’s uneducated and ignorant. It breaks my heart how mistreated Steve is, and by trying to force him and Nancy back together — that is the biggest injustice that can be done towards them both, but mainly to him.

Steve deserves to find himself, to find his interests, to process his trauma, to find someone that he loves beyond nostalgia, that won’t come back to him after she’s already grown and realizes that this changed version is good enough.

Nancy deserves more than that.

But Steve Harrington deserves it all.

Joe Keery is the reason Steve was kept around, and I feel like this is just awful to do to the work he’s put in at making Steve the heart of this group of characters. ❤️🥺

[galactic-star-bruiser]

Gotta love when I just randomly post when I feel like it LMAO

Here’s a fun and sweet one xx

Content: smut, fluff, hurt Din(blood), female!reader POV

~5,082 words

********

“Don’t be scared. Do it.” The rough voice whispered back from behind me, leathered hands overtop my own.

I could feel his shallow breathing; beskar plate hardly rising and falling against my back. Every touch made my breath catch in the back of my throat.

“Do it” he whispered again, now with more determination.

I pulled the trigger and the blaster shot. The light barreled towards the target mere feet away and I stumbled backward - into him even further.

“Good” the mandalorian said, adjusting himself so we were no longer in contact.

As I turned to face him, I found he was already walking towards the sheet of metal I had just shot at.

“Not bad for someone who’s never touched a blaster before.”

**

I had lived a peaceful, if not privileged, life before the chaos found me. My city crumbled under the oppressive fist of the evils that prevailed and I had no one left.

No one until he found me.

Nightmares of men clad in white, troopers, the sounds of screaming children, and the smell of blaster fire haunted me. I woke every night clutching my heaving chest and waiting out the hours before dawn; before I felt safe in the sunlight again. It was almost ten years ago now. I was basically a child.

He was only here for a bounty. That’s what he claimed- a quick job and a paycheck.

Maybe he never found them, because he’s still here. With me, here, teaching me how to defend myself.

Why?

**

I looked down at my shaking hands, still clutching his weapon.

I wish I could say I was faking my incompetence for battle, or that I was pretending I couldn’t shoot a blaster- but I wasn’t. I wish I could say it was an act to make him stay longer.

I wanted him to stay longer.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked up at him, the black visor of his helmet a foot or two away from me.

“Why are you helping me?”

He just looked away and made a move back towards his ship.

“Wait” I said, breaking into a jog next to him “really… why me? I don’t understand.”

He handed me a larger blaster from the ship, “here, try this one now-“

“No” I looked down, suddenly embarrassed that I was pushing the subject but no less insistent that he answered my questions. “you’ve been here almost a month- I don’t believe someone of your skill would waste time like this-”

“You think I’m wasting my time?” He demanded, cocking his head to the side.

“No, I-“

“If you don’t want to learn to defend yourself, I’ll leave” he responded roughly, coldly.

“That’s not what I meant, I just want to know why-“

“We’ll stop wondering and just take the help you can get- you obviously need it” he said in such a way that I knew the conversation was over.

**

That night I laid restless in my bed. I mulled over all possible reasons for his prolonged stay and seemingly random interest in me.

I was dizzy with unanswered questions and sat up to stare around my bare room.

The mandalorians ship was landed now in what was once akin to the front yard of my home. It was impossible to imagine him here during times of peace, when the land was lush and his ship would’ve made my father furious over it ruining his landscaping.

I would’ve laughed at the image if it didn’t force me to imagine my father. He was a good man, a merchant. I missed him more than anything.

I heard movement outside and lunged for the knife I kept under my pillow. My heart was racing so hard I could hardly hear my own thoughts. They’ve come again to finish the job, I thought.

I crouched low and peered through the hole in my door that was once held a glass pane.

My knees buckled and I started to tremble, annoyed by my own fear.

The door heaved inwards, knocking me to the ground. I struggled to find the blade again in the darkness, but hands were lifting me now. I thrashed and kicked with all my might against muscle and metal. I screamed for help until a large hand was over my open mouth.

“If it wasn’t me, you’d already be dead” a familiar voice growled.

My body went limp in his arms.

He dropped me on the floor, my legs still unstable, and he watched as I struggled to find my balance.

I put my hand against the wall and let myself take deep, haggard breaths.

“What. Is. WRONG WITH YOU?” I screamed at the Mandalorian, shoving him with all my weight as if he wasn’t a wall of pure strength.

“I heard you walking around and decided to see if you really listened when I taught you anything… apparently not” he answered himself with a disgusted tone.

I was furious. “You heard me? That was you stalking around outside? Why the hell do you care so much about what I can or can’t do? Why the f-“

I was pinned against the wall, hands above my head, and the weight of his stare above me made me feel minuscule.

“Why is it so hard for you to accept that I just want you to live?” He barked.

I barred my teeth back at him, “because you don’t even know me.”

The heat of his hands radiated through his gloves.

“Oh I don’t?” Taking both my wrists in one of his large hands, his free one pulled out a bounty puck. My own face glowed before me.

“I… I don’t understand.” I responded breathlessly, sobered instantly by the sight.

“There are powers in this galaxy you can’t even begin to imagine the enormity of. There are people willing to pay for you to be hunted down and join the shallow grave of your family. You know nothing.”

He all but spat at me with those words. I felt like I was melting into the floor.

“Your father was no merchant. You really think you could’ve lived the way you did off of that measly salary?”

I wish he had just shot me.

“You want to know why he’s dead? You want to know why your city is in ruins and you’re the only one left in this hole? Blame him.”

“Don’t you dare” I responded with ice in my words but no conviction to back them up.

I truly was shielded from most everything in my life. So many questions had gone unanswered. Maybe I really didn’t know…

“No. Don’t you dare.” He responded, the grip on my wrists causing me to writhe in pain now. “He was nothing but a con artist that lead the evil back to his own family. He pissed off the wrong people.”

“Please. Stop” I choked out, only now realizing I was sobbing.

I hadn’t faced the facts. I knew there was no way he could support our family trading and bartering. I didn’t want to believe it. I loved him. He was good.

Though really, I hardly ever saw him.

The mandalorian let me go and I slid down the wall shaking my head in disbelief.

He threw the bounty puck towards me. It skid until meeting the hard wall. My own face glowing and mocking me.

“They didn’t get you the first time around and paid me to finish the job.” He said, some unexplained warmth returning to his mechanical voice.

“I don’t understand… was all of this a part of some sick scheme to get me to trust you before you took me in?” I said, still trembling.

“I don’t do that-“

“And why should I trust you?” I almost screamed back at him.

He crouched to my level, visor meeting my tear blurred eyes.

“Why?” Was all I could say, over and over again, between sobs or anger, confusion, and heartbreak.

His helmet cocked to the side and I could hardly see my contorted, wet face in its reflection.

He lifted me off the floor and took me back to his waiting ship. I didn’t have anything left in me to fight him with. I didn’t resist capture. It all went black and quiet.

**

A distant hum of an engine filled my ears and I blinked in the warm light that surrounded me.

The memories of the mandalorian came rushing back to me and I jolted upwards, scanning the room like a trapped animal.

I was on a bed- if you could call it that. On a ship. It was steady and landed.

Heavy footsteps came from the outside of the small room. My body tensed.

The beskar clad man walked in and passed me as if I wasn’t there. He rummaged through a flight pack.

“Where are we” I said, surprised at the roughness of my own scream shredded voice.

“We haven’t moved.”

That’s all he had to say before leaving the room again.

I followed swiftly and saw through the windows that we were still in front of my hovel of a home.

His back was towards me and I followed him outside into the night air.

“You were right to think that someone of my skill wouldn’t waste their time on a bounty like this… I was never going to bring you in.”

I sat down next to him on the steps to his ship. Wary and timid. I wrapped my arms around my knees.

He looked away from me and before I could even open my mouth he answered my questions, “I’ve never struggled like this. I bring in anyone and anything without any shred of feeling.”

He turned towards me and it felt as though I was punched in the chest, “but I couldn’t. You didn’t do anything. You’re a victim.”

I couldn’t place my emotion. I was more than confused, my heart was aching over my father, I was terrified of my fate, I felt betrayed, incompetent… but there was something comforting in the cold man next to me.

We sat in silence, neither one of us knowing what to say.

“Thank you” was all I could say after what felt like a lifetime.

He didn’t respond.

“Why did I wake up in your ship?”

It was the only question I could think of asking with an answer that wouldn’t make me want to start crying.

“It was easier than stalking around your bedroom. Easier to keep an eye on you” he answered matter of factly.

I didn’t respond.

“I’d leave now if I thought they wouldn’t send someone else to come find you” the mandalorian said, looking away again.

“I don’t want you to leave” I said, without even thinking first. My cheeks burned with the embarrassment of revealing that to him.

“I’m sorry I lied to you” was all he said in response.

I just looked at him. A man so fortified with armor, stern and strong, was being gentle before me.

I put my hand on his and I swore I felt a shudder go through him. His fingers flexed and released beneath mine.

I went to pull away when he grabbed my hand back.

We sat in silence, entwined fingers on his thigh, just looking into the dark.

**

The mandalorian left after a month.

He found me a place to stay within a city where no one could find me. He made me feel safe. I was safe.

We never touched again after that night on the steps of his ship. Though, the heat still burned through me when I thought of it.

**

My hands were raw from pulling weeds and the sweat dripped heavily down my back. I was happy. I was safe.

I was tired.

I laid with a thud onto a stack of freshly pulled vegetation and let myself feel the suns on my face.

My brows contorted when it was suddenly cooler and darker overhead. Opening my eyes, I focused on an all too familiar ship.

A smile widened across my face before I got a sudden rush of energy and bounded to the landing site.

I stopped short. What if he doesn’t remember me? I mean, why should he?

I found myself fixing my hair and adjusting my working clothes to fit me better.

What was I doing?

I walked swiftly to the ship, heart beating and cheeks reddening.

That’s when I saw him and stopped dead in my tracks.

I hadn’t noticed the significant damage to the ship or the particularly rough landing.

He stumbled out with blood spattered beskar. The tall mandalorian made contact with the ground.

**

I wrung my hands, pacing around my bed, that now held a man I had known in what felt like a different life.

Blood was both crusted and trickling out of the bottom of his helmet. I knew the rules but I couldn’t help feel responsible if he died on my bed from a treatable head wound.

We were a half a days journey to anyone else.

Did he know I had moved all the way out here?

There were bloodied bandages and cloth littering my floor. I had taken the liberty of removing all other armor besides his helmet. The neat pile of metal stood beside the bed for him when he got up.

Please get up.

The blood was flowing steadily. I had to make a decision.

My fingers gingerly touched the rim and snapped back towards me when a guttural moan and choking noise startled me.

He was drowning.

“I have to. Im sorry” I whispered gently and lifted the helmet with a hiss.

The metallic, animalistic, sent of blood infiltrated my nostrils. He was hardly recognizable as human. I realized that I didn’t even know for certain that he was.

My eyes caught on the matted brown hair sticking to his forehead, the peppered facial hair along his jaw, and finally his eyes. He was human, and he was beautiful.

I worked quickly and carefully, trying my best to avert my eyes out of respect. I guess it’s too late now anyways.

When I fixed and cleaned what I could I poured medicine down his throat, Bacta on his wounds, and left him to sleep.

I realized I hadn’t left his side when I woke up in pain from being contorted in a small chair next to the bed.

My eyes traced the outline of him in the pale darkness of the room. He looked more at ease than I had ever seen. I realized I had missed his presence. He made me feel safe.

The few months he spent with me came flooding back to memory. He was always so gentle, guiding, and almost infuriatingly calm. He became a partner… a friend.

His hand twitched and I shot up from my seat. Whether it was out of fear, guilt, relief, or excitement, I couldn’t tell.

He groaned. Or maybe he tried to speak?

“You’re safe” was all I could think to say when I sat on the bed beside him.

His hand slowly reached up to his face, shaking. I grabbed it before he could reach his bare skin.

“I’m sorry… I had to”

He let his hand fall limp at his side with a noise that was akin to what a hurt animal would make.

My heart shattered. I went to grab his helmet and put it back on and he stopped me.

“It’s useless now” he muttered through blood stained teeth.

I had spent all those months, and the year after, imagining the face beneath the helmet. He suddenly became so much more real to me. More precious.

Tears began to fall from my eyes and his hand left the helmet to wipe them away. It was tender and devastating.

“I wish I knew you in another life” he said, so low it hardly registered.

I grabbed the hand still resting on my cheek and forced a smile through my sob.

“Why not this one” I asked, chuckling sadly.

I already knew the answer.

He managed half a smile. He was treacherously handsome.

I tried to think of anything to say. Anything, but his grip turned loose and his breathing was at a constant lull. He was asleep.

**

I had left his side only so long before I heard movement coming from the bedroom.

I set down a mug of hot caf before rushing in to find him struggling to push himself off the bed.

“What are you doing” I asked in an almost desperate cry.

“My ship” was all he said.

“Worry about that later. You were on deaths doorstep not two hours ago.”

He shook his head like a defiant child. I almost laughed. Almost.

As if by some invisible force, he laid back down on the bed.

“Do you need anything?” I asked, warily, hoping he’d send me off to get something. It felt strange to see him in such a vulnerable state.

A shake of the head, no. I sat back in my chair and he turned his body to face me.

“I should give you your bed back.”

This time I actually let out a laugh.

“No, I want you to sleep.”

I wondered if he remembered his comment from earlier.

**

It was now pitch black in the small bedroom. I sat and watched the stars flicker in the sky out of the window. I hadn’t left his side in hours.

As I turned to look at him, the mandalorian let out a guttural scream and sat up with a start. He ran his trembling fingers through blood matted hair.

“You’re okay. You’re safe” I said, now next to him with one knee on the bed “it was a nightmare, that’s all.”

His chest heaved and his skin prickled at my touch.

I rubbed circles into his back. My mother use to do that for me.

He instinctively flinched away from me.

“I’m sorry” he said before relaxing beneath my open palm.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless.

I shifted closer, my arm barely fitting around his back.

“Tell me what you need” I whispered

He broke a prolonged silence with a half hearted laugh.

I didn’t understand his amusement.

I squeezed him tight once more like you’d do for a friend before letting them go. I guess he is a friend. I guess.

I walked to a dresser and sifted through clothes until I found a large green shirt, clean flight pants, and a towel.

He stared, confused, at the items.

“Is this my shirt?” He asked earnestly.

I knew it when I picked it out. It’s all I had that would fit him anyhow. Though, I guess I didn’t expect red, flushed, embarrassment to creep from my neck to my cheeks.

“You gave it to me. To wear once. After I had ruined mine while cleaning the blasters.”

What he would never know is that I slept with it through every nightmare. The smell of him bringing waves of unexplained comfort.

He gave me that half smile again.

“I know. I just didn’t expect you to keep it.”

I averted my gaze and let him change in peace.

“Are you hungry?” I asked before leaving him.

A nod.

“Use the towel to clean up. I won’t mind the blood stains.”

A nod once more.

**

I came face to face with the mandalorian. No- he was just a man now. He seemed like one, anyways. Just a man.

Lines cut deep into his skin, from battle and age. His features were both soft and strong. He had such an air of sadness. He would’ve seemed almost defenseless if I hadn’t known better.

I motioned towards a seat across from mine. His shaggy, wet hair swept across his brow as he sat.

He ate like a starved, wild, thing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He refused to make contact with mine.

When he had finished I took his plate away slowly, almost expecting him to growl and bite. He only looked down.

“Thank you”

I responded only with a genuine smile and another offering of caf. He happily obliged.

It felt almost domestic. It was nice.

He drank slowly, deeply, and without looking up or speaking even once.

The suns began to rise and paint colors across the carved sand walls. I could see him even more clearly now. Battle worn, tired, and inexplicably sad.

“I’m sorry I took off your helmet. I just-“

“You did what you had to” he responded, still looking longingly into his half full mug.

I just peeled away the skin around my fingers, trying to think of anything to ease the uncomfortable silence.

“Are you sure you can’t just put it back on or-“

“I meant what I said earlier” he said lowly.

Unwilling to believe it to be true, what I wanted to be true, I played dumb and confused.

“In another life… I think I’d like … this.”

I couldn’t say anything.

**

He slept soundly through the day, rising only when the moon did. He attempt to fix his ship.

I helped with what I could on the ship, and every time our hands grazed in the passing of tools, a bolt of electricity flowed through me. Each time he passed behind, a gloved hand met the small of my back.

I pleaded with him to rest. I wondered if it was really just a ploy to prolong his stay.

I found myself fumbling while completing basic maintenance. I was trembling and the low sighs of frustration he was making weren’t helping.

I couldn’t even explain my own actions lately. There was something scratching at me from the inside to get closer to him.

I wanted him.

I insisted he spend one more night asleep in a proper bed, mine, as I recalled the hammock he called his.

To my surprise, he agreed.

That night he was restless. He turned, yelled, and cried out in his sleep. I could hear him from down the hall.

I crept slowly to the bedroom. I wanted to comfort him but felt awkward with the thought of any attempt.

That was until I heard my name. Softly, desperately, tumbling from his lips. He was dreaming.

“I’m here” I answered in a half whisper, pushing hair out of his face, “you’re safe. I’m here.”

“Stay with me. Please”, eyes still closed. He grabbed onto my hand.

“You’re dreaming”

“No… I’m not” he replied, eyes fluttering open in a way that seemed to use most of his energy.

My heart was in my throat and I felt as though I was breaking some ancient law by climbing into my own bed.

I laid in the space he had made for me, my body fitting against his as though I were made to be there.

I covered him with the blanket more, so unsure of what to do with my body. My hand lingered on his chest, still clutching the cloth.

His breathing hitched and warmth radiated throughout the bed.

“I don’t even know your name” I laughed lightly, almost a whisper, not expecting an answer but rather trying to cut the tension.

“Do you want to?” His eyes met mine.

The air was all but sucked out of the small space. I could hear the rushing thrum of both of our hearts.

I nodded. Yes.

His face was mere inches from mine and I could feel his warm, sweet breath on my lips.

“Din. Din Djarin.” He whispered, so close that our mouths were all but intertwined.

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear and stared into my eyes with so much tenderness that I felt the desperate need to cry.

I traced the outlines of the face I had imagined so many times before. He became warmer to the touch with each line I drew.

“Another life, huh, Din?” I whispered.

He stopped my hand with his.

“Why not this one?”

With these few blessed words, he closed the space between us. My body crashing and arching into his and his fingers entwined with my hair.

Animalistic moans escaped from the two of us, his body engulfing mine.

He smelled like sun warmed wilderness; like musk and lush trees.

His hot mouth met my neck and I soaked in every touch, every scent, every movement of his body. He was desperately clawing at me and I him.

His hands quickly became unsure. He was so battle worn, knowledgable beyond his years, though… he now touched me like he was afraid I’d break.

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion and he stared back with an almost frightened expression.

“I… I am a dangerous man. I don’t know how- I’ve never-“

I brushed my thumb over his open lips and smiled softly at him. I had never imagined the gentleness of such a rough man. He was right, he was dangerous, he was a killer, a bounty hunter, a mandalorian.

None of that mattered.

I pulled his face closer to mine and kissed him softly. I felt the storm brewing beneath his skin.

“I don’t want to hurt you” he whispered against me.

“I want all of you” was all I answered back.

With those words of permission, he used his legs to pin my back to the bed and stared down at me.

Sitting up on his knees, he used his rough hands to trace down my sides. My skin prickled with desire and my hips bucked unintentionally to meet his.

His fingers found the waistband to my pants and he found my eyes, asking silently to go on.

“Please” I begged

Slowly, painfully slowly, he tugged them down low enough to expose hip bones and the very top of where I desired him most.

Lifting my hips, he bent down to meet them with peppered kisses. Any movement of mine was halted by his fingers digging in to me.

The tenderness of the moment was dictated by him and he wouldn’t let me forget that he was in control.

It only made me more desperate. Between kisses he spoke in a deep, strained voice.

“I’ve thought about this every night” he all but growled. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to touch myself back in my ship just so I wouldn’t lose control and pin you against a wall and fuck you?”

Deep moans escaped me and I begged for him to touch me, to do anything he wanted with me. I needed him. I’ve needed him for longer than I could even admit to myself.

His name fell from my lips over and over. He nipped at the tender skin of my inner thighs as he teasingly pulled the remainder of my pants down.

He noticed I hadn’t been wearing underwear and an almost sadistic smirk swept across his face and his eyes shot up to meet mine.

I couldn’t breathe. All I could remember was his name.

He teased me until I was so close to coming undone from just the first swipe of his tongue against me.

My nails dug into the sheets as he moaned against me, wetness glossing his rugged features.

His eyes were so blown out with lust that they were hardly brown any longer.

I begged until I had tears in my eyes. I needed to feel him inside of me. He knew that and took advantage of every second.

“How- how are you so good?”

He snapped back to sitting on his knees and ground himself into me, leaving a deliciously wet mark on his pants.

“You think I haven’t imagined every inch of you and what I’d like to do to it” He titled his head with pure cockiness, “all the nights I spent avoiding other women were nights I imagined your body, nights I’ve spent touching myself and thinking of the way you’d feel. I may not have experience, but I’d do anything to have you”

I didn’t even have the words to express what that did to me, but as he stripped off his lower half of clothing I knew there was nothing stopping me from getting exactly what I so desperately wanted.

He let himself fall forward, one arm catching himself an inch above me. I let my nails drag down his back as I caught his lips in a feverish kiss.

My hand met his free one and I felt the length of him, wet with his own precum. His forehead fell into the side of my neck and a growl ripped through him. He rocked his hips into my hand.

“You weren’t the only one touching themselves to the thought of this” I whispered into his ear, my own voice deeper than I had ever heard it, “I couldn’t even let myself imagine you were this big.”

He put his free hand on top of mine and guided his length to my desperate, clenching opening.

He was slow, controlled, but the vice grip on the pillow above me gave way to his longing.

I moved my hips to meet his, unable to control myself any longer, and the sound that bounded from him was purely animal.

Something had finally snapped inside of him and his controlled thrusting became more erratic and intense. Even the soft kisses melded into bites and teeth clenched moans into my open mouth.

I bit into his shoulder to stop from screaming, the feeling of this moment too intense to explain.

I wrapped my legs around him and lifted to meet his every stroke. His hair was gripped between my fingers and his forearms boxed me in. I was completely engulfed in him.

Suddenly his strong arms were cradling my back and I was lifted onto his lap. He was sitting on his knees, legs wide, and thrusting into me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him push and pull my body up and down onto him.

Every meeting of thighs was met with a wet smack and stifled moan. I could feel every inch of him and I knew then that I’d feel empty every second he wasn’t inside of me.

With one final stroke he pushed down on my shoulders and up with his hips to fill me at my deepest point. I rocked into him and felt his thick, hot, cum pouring out of me.

He feverishly kissed me, and I responded in turn. We sat connected until our breathing came back into our control.

“Cyar’ika” he mumbled into my lips, over and over again, “I have watched you, always. I could never stay away from you.”

“I’m yours” I responded, “you have me.”

[door-insurance]

So I played Life is Strange 2 for the first time ever

I didn’t wanna play it for a long time not cause it didn’t have Chloe or max (tbh I got sick of their asses around BtS they’re not even my faves)

By that point I was in college and had lost interest in the whole franchise but also I was very apprehensive of white creatives writing racism with no input from the group they’re portraying, they don’t usually do a good job

Sometimes they make it cartoony, sometimes they trivialize it, sometimes they romanticize it

So years later adulthood kicked my ass and I came back crawling to this franchise for some comfort, I finished True colors annnnd I finally started 2 after hesitating annnnd

^sketched this while playing

SPOILERS

I actually liked it

I liked Sean, the drawing segment he does- he was such a likable main guy, deserved better honestly.

I also liked Daniel, he was very adorable and I never got it when people called him annoying like no shit the 9 year old is gonna act like a 9 year old- just don’t be a jerk to him, I know he can be frustrating but that’s what taking care of a kid is like

And lis had always been about realistic complex characters, y’all can’t handle a traumatized nine year?

I have two younger siblings and two nieces plus I’ve been a bratty younger sibling to two older sisters

Maybe I’m just used to it?? But honestly Daniel wasn’t that bad

The racism portrayal in the first few episodes was not all that cartoony and it actually felt real at times, like I can check for American news rn and find stories similar to what you see in episodes 1-3 (minus the telekinesis)

Although the gas station racist hick spouting trump slogans was a bit on the nose, it’s more of dialogue thing

Some people thought the gas station detainment was egregious but it can happen unfortunately, especially to vulnerable people in rural areas and by someone of a higher systematic advantage

One other thing I did not like was the love interests, I thought Finn and Cassidy were alright characters on their own but why do we need romance in this game where the protagonists are always on the run?

I don’t like to compare lis 1 to 2 but when it comes to the romance the former did a better job as it spent more time establishing it, plus max stayed in the same place for the majority of the game- but you know what? Sean doesn’t have to be in a relationship right? It can be a one off thing, that’s fine

Which brings me to my next point

How old are Cassidy and Finn?

Cause Sean is still 16 and no, being on the road didn’t mentally age him- he’s not “mature” for his age

He is still a kid

So for some reason Dontnod never really specified their ages but some articles described them as teens (they look 30 to me) and they can be around 18 right? Their lives are hard stress ages you- it happens, we can with live that, it’s just a two years difference

But teens or not

why did they animate a whole knocking the boots scene???

Of all the games in the series, the only one that gets a sex scene is the one with the much younger protagonist and his ambiguously aged older looking love interest and I think it’s only with Cassidy you get to do it in the tent

Alex Chen was robbed of a on screen booty call from a beanie wearing lesbian with a sexy radio voice or a buff ass Adonis of a man who was Smokey the bear’s regional manager or something

Anyways I’m gonna move on I’m uncomfortable lmao

*im not hating on people who ship Sean with either Finn or Cassidy, I’m not even tagging your ship names- im just stating my personal preferences on my blog

One last thing I did not like about LiS 2 and it was the one thing that kept me from playing it for years

That one scene from episode 4

So at this point Sean Diaz went through the following:

-lost his father, had to abandoned his loved ones, education and home

-was accused of killing a cop

-had to take care of his little brother on his own while on the run, the same brother with telekinesis and none of them know how to control it

-was harassed, beaten then detained by a racist white man

-had to take refuge in an abandoned cabin with little resources

-the dog that they adopted at the gas station eventually gets mauled

-the one time they found solace at their grandparents house they had to leave abruptly cause the police was hot on their trail

-on their way out they can potentially witness the neighbors kid that they befriended get hit by the police car that’s chasing them

-they find shelter at a nomad campground but oh no they get involved with drug trafficking cause they barely have any other options to make money (unfortunately this happens a lot IRL this isnt egregious)

-Sean now has to deal with the trafficking, making sure that Daniel doesn’t get into any trouble with his powers while fake ass giancarlo esposito is breathing down his neck

-and guess what happens next… Daniel gets robbed into pulling a heist on temu gus fring and it goes badly, Sean can potentially lose a love interest/friend in Finn

-Sean gets hurt, Daniel goes so mad that he blows the whole place up; a shard glass flies into Sean’s eye and he ends up losing it

- Sean wakes up from a coma and learns that his brother is missing and he’s about to be taken to jail

- the one thing that consistently brought him joy during this trip was his art and because of the missing eye he can’t even do it the same anymore cause it hurts now

- Sean has to escape the hospital with a hot wired car, little money and has to drive across two states just to get to his brother

-on the way he dreams of his father, he wants him back he wants his old life back but that’s not gonna happen so he has to move forward

Im not listing all this as examples of bad story telling, a lot of these are real life experiences of homeless people. im just painting a picture of the shit that Sean had went through so far

Cause right after the dream sequence, Dontnod didn’t think all that was enough no you had to see Sean get hate crimed by two lifetime movie, sitcom special of the week racists- be made to either sing or suffer a brutal beating

It added nothing to the plot, it didn’t need a choice system either- it’s a hate crime, you’re not asking Joyce for fucking pancakes or eggs n bacon at the whales diner or hosing down Lisa the fckin plant.

This to me went straight to trauma p*rn category, it’s wheelchair Chloe all over again

I hated it then in LiS 1 and I hated now in LiS 2, this is why I don’t dick ride Dontnod that often

They always had this tendency right before the end they single out a particular character and mentally whip them, they become the writing teams punching bag- they think we didn’t get it the first time that this character is going through it, they just hammer it in with the subtlety of a heart attack and I hate it

“Yeah but it’s there to show Sean’s resolve to find Daniel-“

HE ESCAPED FROM THE HOSPITAL AND THE FEDS, HE HOT WIRED A CAR TO DRIVE ACROSS TWO STATES

He’s starving, dehydrated, suffering from chronic pain

That’s enough

Let the character breathe

You ask why not a lot of people wanna play this game and I’m gonna tell you, as much I enjoyed it myself it’s not an easy game to play- it gets brutal, especially right around the end

I’m not against bleakness or extreme conflict, I’m into that but sometimes that doesn’t translate well to any gaming format- especially a choices matter game that’s meant to be replayed

Some people have asinine reasons not to play LiS 2 like it dealing with racism and those people suck, lis had always dealt with progressive themes like calling out objectification, cyberbullying and sl*tshaming

Racism shouldn’t be the exemption

but misuse of racial trauma and not knowing when it’s appropriate to invoke it is a huge turn off and hella triggering to a lot of non white players and I remember when LiS 2 dropped I’ve seen (mostly white) lis fans at the time proclaiming that not wanting to play it meant that you were racist

Like I said there were probably racists who didn’t wanna touch the games cause of the main characters skin but there were people like me who were apprehensive of the “Let’s go to the mosh pit Shaka brah” people handling racism

This is the same studio that had Ms Grant (one of the few black characters from LiS 1) claim that the white settlers peacefully shared the stolen land with the native Americans

I find that shit harder to believe than the time traveling powers

And they were doing alright in the first episodes they covered stuff like unconscious biases slipping through, dog whistles, polite racism from the grandparents segment, police brutality, racial profiling and being targeted/othered- some of these things I went through when I visited western countries

Then they did the bullshit I feared theyd do…

I really don’t blame myself for being hyper vigilant at the time and honestly I was going through a lot then, even if I wanted to I wouldn’t have touched LiS 2 cause it’s a very heavy tasking game to play

I know I kinda made it seem like I didn’t like this game but I did, its the best one in terms of the choice system

It had more weight to it, seeing Daniel internalizing what you say to him or how you act around him was so cool

Also what the second game has over the first one aside from the choices system is the ending selection- I never liked picking the endings for max, I wanted her to pick the ending or her coding/script to do that

Its definitely more fleshed out technically even though LiS 1 has a special place in my heart it’s always gonna be no. 1- but im also glad that I got to experience the 2nd game for the first time, I liked it

Personal lis ranking

1: Lis 1

2: Lis 2

3: True colors

Discount bin: BtS

My personal fave moments from LiS 2:

- beating up the racist bully and giving him a concussion

-mushroom (rip icon)

- victorias letter

-winning that that bear from that claw machine

-gorillaz song that was not feel good inc

-Brody pointing at a fucked up looking arcadia bay yelling “that’s the past!”- that was hilarious

-Sean paying tribute to Arcadia bay in his sketchbook (this fucking kid man, he’s so sweet he deserves the world- what did he do to make DONTNOD mad at him)

- the wolf animation and the story that plays before every chapter

-this was the worst hate crime in the whole game

[d3adbr3inc3lls]

Amethio x RVT!Reader

He didn’t know you were part of the RVT at first, mostly because you were making sure the pokemon were okay whilst he, Zir and Conia were attacking the ship, or doing other things that didn’t include battling

The two of you met when you were buying groceries and he was trying to get more clues about the black Rayquaza.

You’ve heard Friede and Roy talking about the Explorers, but you never thought much of it, just another criminal organisation that would probably be caught soon like the other regional teams.

You told Amethio what little you knew about the black Rayquaza, it couldn’t hurt telling a stranger who was also interested in the unnatural coloured Rayquaza the information.

The first time he saw you with the RVT he was shocked. He’d never expect you to work with them, and vice versa, you were shocked that he was part of a criminal organisation. Amethio seemed like such a nice person.

It’d be a lie to say that he still thought highly of you after finding out that you were part of the RVT. He felt so many things. He felt betrayed, mostly as a result of his rivalry with the RVT.

If you and Amethio exchanged numbers, he’d grow more distant and take hours, sometimes even days to reply, despite him replying relatively quickly before finding out you were part of the RVT.

If the two teams battle, he’d target you because he feels so hurt. He knows it isn’t a good thing to take out his emotions on you, the one who unintentionally hurt him, but he can’t help it. He wants you to know what he feels.

If the two of you ever get on speaking terms again, he’ll attack you in battle less, often telling Zir or Conia to go for you whilst he deals with someone else. More specifically Friede. Amethio has a one sided rivalry with the man.

The two of you would later get closer, but Amethio will keep the relationship hidden as he doesn’t know what Hamber or Gibeon would say if he were to date a member of the team he was actively fighting against.

If Sango finds out, Amethio knows he’s as good as dead. She’d tell the other Explorers about it and who knows what they’ll do. Spinel especially who seems to hate him, so he’d strongly advise you to not go anywhere near a pink haired girl that talks in 3rd person.

—

One shot with no real end as I didn’t know how to end it, but decided to keep it incase anyone wanted to read it, but be warned, it’s unfinished and is somewhat angsty,

—

“So you’re really with them?” His voice made you feel cold. As if you were a kid and he was a parent who was disappointed.

The tension only grew as you tried to think of a response.

“I didn’t know-“ Your mouth felt dry as you responded, attempting to think of anything to lighten the situation but ultimately failing.

“Don’t lie to me.” Amethio hissed. You could almost hear the hostility and anger shine through his voice. Almost.

Sighing, you lean back onto your bed. Your partner pokemon glanced at you with concern, wondering what was happening as they’ve never seen you this defeated. Giving them a comforting nod you reach a hand out to pet the ‘mon in an attempt to calm down, wondering how you’d get out of this situation and keep what the two of you have.

On the other hand, Amethio is pacing around the room he sleeps in whilst Conia anxiously looks at him, she has never seen her boss acting like this before as he waited for your response. Even Ceruledge knew that something was up by the way Amethio’s eyebrows were slightly furrowed as he paced the room.

He had never let anyone get close to him, so it was a first, but also a first for someone to be in the team he constantly fought against. Everything was so new to him. It was unnatural.

“Well?” He asked, waiting for your response. He hasn’t known you for long, so he doesn’t know what to expect from you, unlike the other admins whose responses he can easily predict.

[ryuichirou]

I apologize if it is too personal but how do you deal with "antishipper" and the way they make callout posts and harassment campaigns against you ? It’s legitimately so scary and it makes me hesitant of posting my own art

Anon! I am very sorry you are going through this horrible feeling of hesitation and anxiety; knowing that people get targeted like that could not only stop you from posting, but stop you from creating altogether, and this is the worst part about this whole thing.

It’s not too personal, and I don’t mind talking about it at all. I’ve talked about our position and our relationship with fandom policing a bunch of times already, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself.

I used to be worried about posting certain stuff too. Well, when I was a teen/in my early 20s I wasn’t worried about anything: we had so much juicy stuff posted here lol But then the nsfw ban happened, and the social climate of this app and internet in general started shifting, the first stories about people driven to end their lives because of the hate they received started to come out, and we stopped posting completely. It wasn’t a huge loss to us back then, and this situation wasn’t the only reason why we stopped, but still, it clearly became much more difficult to just appear out of nowhere, throw problematic stuff in your blog and run away again.

I vividly remember us wanting to post my Shingeki no Kyojin drawings and comics based on our AUs and stuff, but not knowing what to do with Ereri – there was no way for us to be “unproblematic” (which was never a concern to us, we just didn’t want to get tons of hate lol) and still post Eren with a man twice his age. So we started posting them without a tag, starting with a drawing that wasn’t too shippy, and then miraculously the world didn’t end. That made us bolder, and we started to post them openly, and posted them for almost two years pretty regularly, alongside some of our other problematic ships + problematic themes. Of course we did get hate, we got a lot of hate while we were posting SnK stuff from all kinds of people, but what we also got a lot of people who found our content refreshing and interesting, even if it was weird and uncomfortable at times.

We weren’t the only people who shipped Ereri (let’s ignore my petty thoughts about the difference between Ereri and Rivaere for now), and we weren’t the only people in Twst fandom who liked Shroudcest, which is another ship that we were super hesitant about posting or even mentioning at first. But with all the hate around I was so certain the world was going to end the moment we post them, and that didn’t happen. The end of the world never happens, but what does happen is that people either get introduced to a fun new dynamic and get invested, or get happy that someone finally posts for the ship they were too afraid to post for. Somehow, when you see some other person being ballsy, you don’t feel as scared anymore – it happened to us with other people’s posts too. Yes, I still say this even though it spawns a bunch of callout posts and harassment, as it did with us. Were we cancelled? Yeah, somewhat. There’s so much you can say about an acc that states “problematic stuff, 18+”, right? I was super relieved and happy, actually, that a lot of people left/blocked us just because they’re the people I’d never want to interact with my art.

I’ve been yapping for a long time already lol so I’ll give you some pieces of advice instead… These are things that legitimately help us.

Surround yourself with people who support you – if not you personally, then at least your ideas (i.e. other proshippers). Luckily, nowadays it’s easier to find them… But also, having a friend who you can vent about these things to helps a lot! It’s cheesy but it’s a fact: when you’re not alone, it’s not as scary.

Always ignore comments/asks from antis and block them on sight, block anonymous asks too. Even if you really want to sass them, it’s much more effective to ignore them: when you give them attention, it invites more engagement from them.

Block people you get bad vibes from. Block those who like or comment bad takes or support harassment of others, block all of their alt accounts. It’s tedious and takes time, but it really helps to keep you hidden from them, at least to some degree. I look up Shroudcest sometimes just to block new people. They try to make fun of me for that, but who cares if it works? You can’t block everyone, but these people usually flock together and it’s usually just a bunch of friends, so taking several posts on these topics from people from the fandom and blocking everyone involved will obliterate the majority of harassers.

In terms of your safety, having multiple accounts in case you main one gets mass-reported helps + I would advice to keep irl stuff away from your fandom stuff just in case.

This is going to sound stupid, but please keep in mind that this isn’t about you. These people are very miserable and not very smart. Even if they try to paint you like a bad person, they don’t know anything about you, so don’t let their judgment affect how you feel about yourself. This is exactly what they want – to have power over you.

Stay strong and take care of yourself, i.e. lock your acc and/or take a break if you feel overwhelmed. Don’t worry, it will pass: it’s very rare for these clowns to keep focus on one person for a long period of time; they have like 5 different dramas per day. There are some absolutely batshit crazy rapid assholes who won’t leave an artist alone for years, but those are super rare and special cases altogether, I don’t think you need to be worried about those.

Keep in mind which fandom you want to do this with, btw. It’s usually okay for the most part, but if the fandom is just a bunch of kids, it’s more likely not worth it or deserves an empty account, at least. Twst is surprisingly good despite anything it might look like! Thanks to Yana being a shotacon and a creator of Kuroshitsuji, I guess. There are many great and supportive people in the twst fandom, it’s been a pleasure to be here, even though, once again, it’s the first fandom where I got a bunch of callout posts and nasty stuff in my ask (SnK fandom usually harassed me for other things).

TL;DR: it is scary, and you could easily get callout posts about yourself, but guess what, you also get to be yourself. Because realistically, callout posts can’t stop you from creating art. They want you to believe that they have power over you, but this isn’t true. Your life online won’t end after some random callout post – mine didn’t. They also don’t understand that each consequent callout post affects the person being called out even less. We do have a minor panic attack for the first hour or so, and it does involve more extra blocking, but mostly it just sours our mood for the day and drops our morale. I still draw, though, out of spite a little lol Oh, and do try to report these types of posts if you get them, there’s nothing wrong with that.

People had been persecuted for their art and ideas for centuries, so what happens now is really nothing new. Without diving into specifics, there are way worse things they could do than writing callouts, but they aren’t super likely to do those. Luckily.

Take care of yourself, but also please don’t doubt yourself; when it comes to your art being way too fun for lovers of censorship to handle, you’re in a very good company. I’m referring to all the artist and writers of this world btw and not just me and Katsu lol but us as well!

[olympeline]

Feel a little introspective so have some of my thoughts on the dynamics of various England ships. Aside from FrUK because I post so much about them already:

EngPan: Lonely, isolated introvert meets lonely, isolated introvert. Together they are…still introverted and isolated but less lonely, hehe. Feels like Kiku would fall for Arthur first and Arthur would be clueless for a while then very flustered and in denial when he found out. Then a loooong courtship with a lot of pussyfooting around and “After you.” “No, no, after you.” “No, I insist.” “No, I insist.” dancing around. But they make it in the end. Quite a sweet love story all in all.

GerEng: Kuudere/Tsundere courtship farce! How does Arthur cope with meeting someone even more emotionally constipated than he is? Oh my god these two would be excruciating. Lol, I kinda love it. By the time they actually got together, the world might have ended already. But I think they’d rub along pretty well once they were actually established as a couple, you know? It would take so long that they would already have learnt how to deal with the other’s worst points

PortEng: Childhood sweethearts face down the world and make it together. The ship with the least amount of drama. A simple two puzzle pieces click together and everything is good. Not that they never argue or have spats, but it’s just normal couples stuff. Healthy disagreements and healthy making up from a healthy couple. “And they lived happily ever after.” Maybe they had an arranged marriage but it turned out to be perfectly arranged, luckily enough.

PrUK: I don’t know who you think you are but I know this much is true, I wanna do bad things with you ~ 🎵 Punk pair with a shared bloody history and plenty of fight, sex, and steel left in them. They egg each other on and bring out the other’s savage side. Very unstable until they both grow up and mature (if they ever do) but damn, so much fun along the way. They’d each enjoy facing someone who could match them.

RusEng: The eternal outsiders of Europe find each other. The biggest stumbling block would be how fricking terrified Arthur is of Ivan. Like it would take a long time before Ivan could convince Arthur he’s actually romantically interested in him and not there to make a cloak of his skin lmao. Feels like Arthur would be attracted to this sexy, feral Russian, built-like-a-fridge beast man and hate it. Then Ivan would cotton on, decide “oh, okay. Turns out I like him back. Let’s become one be together.” and that would be that. Ivan takes the lead and “no” isn’t really in his lexicon. But Arthur likes him back, so yay? Lol, live your best life with that sub kink you’ve just discovered you have, Arthur. They can work on the emotional stuff later

SpUK: Pure and simple rum-swilling, sword fighting, enemies-to-lovers with plenty of hate fucking along the way. Arthur looks up to Antonio as an inspiration before the Age of Sail. Gets himself a little crush on this sexy, sexy Spaniard who he’s meant to hate. Antonio doesn’t pay attention to Arthur at first. Until this upstart island nation starts shamelessly stepping (sailing?) all over his territory. Then he’s intrigued, then pissed, then amused when he notices Arthur’s crush, then simultaneously pissed and horrified when he realises he might actually be okay with a roll in the hay with the Protestant dog. It grows from there.

USUK: Do I even need to say anything? Sunny extrovert loves moody introvert pure goodness. Happy and clueless(?) meet gloomy and overthinks everything. Opposites attract. A painful past becomes a bright future. So much potential and good stuff with Alfred and Arthur it almost feels too obvious to post about it lol. This ship sails itself.

[bullet-prooflove]

Bingo: Mike Duarte x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @ResonMalvo @littleone65 @mydarkestsecretlol @evee87

Everyone knows that Mike Durate doesn’t work a Thursday evening but no one seems to know why.  There’s rumours of course, a secret taskforce, a scheduled meeting with a C.I, a woman but you’ve seen no evidence to confirm any one of them. Still it niggles at you, when you watch your Captain pull on his jacket and stride out the door at exactly 6pm.

You’re still thinking about it when there’s a knock at your door at 7pm. It’s Mrs Jacobson from the house across the street. Her bingo partner has begged off sick and she needs a ride because she doesn’t drive so well at night anymore. It’s the only social event she attends during the week and the thought of her sitting home alone missing it kills you, so you grab your keys and drive to the senior centre a couple of miles away.

“You should come in with me, play a game or two.” She tells you as she reapplies her lipstick in your rearview mirror. “Our bingo caller is very handsome.”

You laugh politely because the image it conjures is of a silver haired, eighty year old man who calls the numbers with the gusto of a cruise ship director. When you escort her into the senior centre you can see your assumption is correct, Derek is geriatric and very interested in the fresh face whose shown up in their midst.

You manage to escape because the lights above you flash on and off indicating that the game is about to start. When you take your seat next to Mrs Jacobson, your don’t expect a dark haired man to sit down alongside of you, one you happen to know very well.

“What are you doing here?” Mike Duarte practically hisses at you.

You can’t speak because you’re too shocked to open your mouth. You can’t believe that your Captain is sitting right here with bingo marker in his hand, ready to throw down.

“I said…”

“I heard what you said.” You respond, finally finding your voice. “My neighbour invited me, the question is what are you doing here?”

He’s silent for a second, his dark eyes boring into yours before he clicks his tongue and tilts his head towards an older woman approaching the table.

“I’m here with Maria. Her husband died last year and she doesn’t like to come alone.” He tells you as he toys with the lid of his bingo marker. “She helped me raise my brother and sister after my mother died, my father…”

He trails off then because he realises he’s betrayed himself. He doesn’t talk about his history, it’s a part of himself he keeps locked deep inside. The problem is you have a soothing presence and he constantly finds himself falling into that trap. It’s why he tries to keep a little distance between the two of you, he’s too terrified of revealing himself as something other than the fierce Captain you’ve become accustomed to.

“Mrs Jacobson kinda adopted me when I moved to the neighbourhood.” You find yourself telling him. “My house was part of one of those police buyback programmes, it’s meant to make the block a little safer. She doesn’t like the idea that I was a single woman living on my own so she checks in on me every so often, brings by dinner.”

It takes Mike a minute to process that information. He opens his mouth to say something but the lights flash once more and the game begins. You can’t help but sneak glances at him throughout the session. His dark eyebrows are furrowed in concentration, he bites his lower lips as he studies the numbers, scowls when someone on another table calls ‘House’. Yet there’s a tenderness that you’ve never seen him exhibit inside of work. He’s kind as he helps Maria with her bingo card, checking her numbers, smiling when she get a line.

“Better luck next time.” He tells you as the lights go up, signalling the end of the game. Maria and Mrs Jacobson hurry off towards the bathroom as he raises to his feet, pulling on his jacket. “Will I see you here next week?”

“I’m not sure bingo is really my game.” You tell him as you begin to gather up the used bingo squares into a neat pile.

“It wasn’t mine either.” He admits as he helps you organise them. “But it does me good, having some sort of a social life outside of work, even if it is with people thirty years older than me.”  

The edges of his mouth tip up into smile and something blossoms in your chest, because Mike, he’s quite handsome when he doesn’t have a perpetual grimace on his features.

“Maybe you will see me next week.” You say, your shoulder accidently nudging against his as you tilt your head up to meet his gaze. The way he looks at you in that moment, it’s the start of something, you can feel it. You can tell he feels it too because his cheeks colour just a little before he tears himself away.

“Good.” He says gruffly, tucking his hands into the pockets of his coat. “And if you could keep this just between the two of us…”

“Don’t worry Captain.” You says as you pick up your purse, setting it upon your shoulder. “You’re secret’s safe with me.”

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[gwenyn28]

The relationship of it all...

Or „why you shouldn’t close on Buddie after episode 5”

“The relationship between Buck and Tommy was so present this episode. They sure are a thing. I am convinced Tommy will be Buck’s endgame.”

A few of us might have read stuff similar to that. Some people might even agree though still being Buddie fans while also feeling disappointed and starting to question things, maybe even closing on “our” ship.

So, bear with me, saddle up and let’s get into that whole relationship thing and how this episode was not “closing worthy” at all. Disclaimer: I already posted this on twitter and since there were a lot of people interested in what I had to say, I decided to take the leap and post it here as well, even though certain people might find it... I also edited the text slightly, putting some thoughts others had in to make if feel complete.

First of all, a short callback to my post about screenwriting I did a while ago. Remember I said that “everything shown in an episode, on screen, is intentional” and there is this “show, don’t tell” rule. Keep that in mind all the time. Because the portrayal of Buck’s and Tommy’s relationship really has a lot to “tell” when you look at what is “shown”.

All in all, we had like six scenes with Tommy present this season:

the birthday party in episode 1

the hospital scene with Buck’s dislocated shoulder

him and Tommy at the loft

Buck, Eddie and Tommy with the boils the next morning

the hospital scene for Denny’s surgery

the cemetery at the end

The last five have all been in episode 5 and that was a lot of screentime compared to what we have seen in prior episodes.

Concerning this season, Tommy had barely a minute of screentime in episode 1. This included two lines he had to deliver at the birthday party scene. One, when Buck complained about Gerrard and the other one was when Buck and him hid behind the couch for the surprise.

There is no need to dive deeper into these two lines and the meaning of them because this could fill a completely different post. So, let’s just roll with him being there in that scene. And I am honestly not surprised about that.

Episode 1 was needed to show him to remind the audience that Buck is still bisexual (and no, it was not just a phase!) and yes, he is still in a relationship with a man. This scene was to pick upo where we left Buck in season 7 and to bring everyone who might have forgotten about it up to date.

Episode 1 did not only do that with Buck and his story, they did this with all the other characters as well. So the audience was reminded of Bobby’s and Athena’s house being burnt down, the whole Mara/Ortiz drama, that Chris left for Texas, Gerrard being the Captain of the 118 and so on. So, Tommy-wise he had to be there so that the audience would also remember Buck’s current situation – bisexual and in a relationship.

All in all, the narrative purpose of that episode was to show were we have left the characters in the season 7 finale and to introduce the opening emergency with the plane/bee-nado to start the new season.

It worked.

And Tommy had served his purpose concerning Buck.

Now, let’s move on to the next episodes.

It would have been an easy thing to include him in episode 2 to 4 as well. Not necessarily in a physical form because that would mean screentime for him and therefore less screentime for others when the focus should be on them (like Athena landing a damn plane on a highway).

But there are other means to include a character from a purely storytelling perspective. All the characters, mainly Buck since he is in a relationship with Tommy and/or Eddie since Tommy and him are supposedly friends, could have mentioned him.

For example:

Buck could have talked about being on a date with Tommy randomly on the way to a call or when they were cleaning the engines or whenever. He could have slipped in a sentence or two about meeting up with Tommy before or after shift.

Eddie could have done that as well because they are friends and might have gone to watch another fight, work on a car or do stuff they did in 7x04.

Buck could also have called him for advice with the plane emergency since Tommy is still a pilot. Yes, he is able to fly a helicopter and that is not a plane but he still works at Harbor which is the air support unit and he might have some knowledge or he might know someone who has.

These are just a few examples that could have established the importance Tommy has for Buck (and maybe also for his friend Eddie) in the episodes when there was no time or place to show him physically.

But, and that is the important part here to put the focus on, the writers decided against it. We almost forgot that Tommy existed AND that Buck is in a relationship with him.

I can already hear people saying that the focus was not on Buck and his story in these episodes so it was not important to mention him or to have Buck (and Eddie) talking about him. Yes, I might agree with that. That could be one reason for not including him in any way.

So, let’s simply ignore episode 2, 3 and 4 and put the focus on episode 5 in which Tommy WAS included in a physical way with a lot of lines and screentime. Because Buck is a main character and including his current love interest seems to be important for the plot and this probably has to mean something.

But before we dive into WHAT it could mean, let’s just take a little break. Because I might have a question to ask that has not necessarily to do with Tommy.

It is more about tv shows in general, especially how relationships are portrayed on screen. Because, how do you think the writers would do that? Remember. “Show, don’t tell”. I think we can agree that, following this rule, there should be a certain level of connection and intimacy (not necessarily in a sexual way) be shown through understanding, words and physical contact.

That is exactly what the writers would do. To establish a relationship, to show the development as a couple. They would show certain things on screen. So that the audience notices (or maybe just remembers) that these two people are in a relationship with each other and that there are romantic feelings between them.

It won’t be enough just to state that they are boyfriends. It cannot be as simple as that. Because if it is just voiced once, it might get overheard. And let’s be honest, in an ensemble show with so many main characters and storylines next to each other, so many things happen and the focus shifts ever so often. So, in this case the “show, don’t tell” rule should and has to be used. Show the relationship with little or sometimes even bigger things to keep the reminder up. That is important especially for newer relationships the audience is not used to yet. So, that it will always be in the back of their minds that these two people are a thing.

To anticipate the conclusion of the following explanations: The things described here did not happen with Buck and Tommy in this episode at all. On the contrary.

But, let’s break it down to each scene.

I will try to point out the things that could have shown their connection. That could have been about them as a couple so that the audience is given the “relationship reminder”. And then I will look at what was given us instead.

In the hospital with Buck’s dislocated shoulder

Tommy could have hurried to the hospital because even though the injury is not lethal, it is still his boyfriend that is in the hospital and he should be with him because he cares about him and is worried.

entering the room with a relieved sigh that Buck is indeed kind of okay, giving him a half-hug not to jostle his shoulder, leaning down to peck his lips, cheek or even kiss his head

sitting down onto the bed next to Buck, holding his hand while Buck explains what has happened

nodding along to Buck’s word’s, maybe teasing him a little bit in a playful way for the weird assumption of being cursed

sharing that important moment between just the two of them

What we got instead:

them NOT being alone because Eddie is there the whole time: To show the connection between Buck and Tommy they could have made Eddie leave after Tommy arrives with something like “thanks for looking after Buck until I could be there for him”. But the writers didn’t. Eddie was there with them the whole time, finishing Buck’s sentences and commenting on his antics with a fond look, being included in the conversation and not making a move to leave Buck and Tommy on their own.

Tommy not being in a hurry to get to the hospital: He stated that he left after his shift ended and he changed out of his uniform before being on his way to the hospital. Both these factors show that he seemed not to have been in a rush, that he took his time to get changed and ready, probably also taking a shower that would delay his arrival at the hospital. This could be interpreted as him not being seriously worried about Buck. Not like a doting and caring boyfriend would be, slightly stressed that his partner is at the hospital, not really taking the time to get ready because of being worried about the other. His thought only with Buck, to get to him asap. This slightly off behavior is even more obvious because there is a direct comparison to Eddie who we see being there in his LAFD shirt, straight after work (or maybe even going with Buck to the hospital straight from the call) and who stayed with him even though Buck is not seriously injured.

Tommy telling Buck that he heard about the “corpse incident” and that he was laughing with his co-workers about it. And yes, I get it. It is kind of funny and something that seems to happen to the 118 a lot. I am sure they are the talk of the day every time at all the other stations. And I get that Tommy thinks this is funny and that he would laugh about it. But there is no need to TELL his boyfriend that he was laughing about him with his co-workers. We saw Buck’s reaction to that. He looked kind of sad and hurt.

Eddie and Tommy laughing about the curse: Both of them were making fun of Buck and his assumption that he is cursed. But there is a huge difference between the two of them. Eddie knows Buck for six years. They are best friends. He knows what Buck can take concerning teasing and mocking him. He knows about the other’s boundaries. I mean, remember him making a joke about the tsunami and lightning. So, him laughing at Buck and the thought of being cursed can be seen as normal friendship behavior between the two of them. They are close enough to know how to take these jokes. While on the other hand, there is Tommy who knows Buck for just a few months. He has no clue what kind of jokes Buck can take and their relationship is not shown on screen (!) that they already have that deep connection to make this kind of jokes. So, it looks a bit mean to a. burst out laughing in front of Buck and b. tell him that he laughed with his co-workers about it as well.

the Visitor’s badge: Tommy wears a visitor’s badge while Eddie has none which could imply them being on a different level. That while Tommy is just a visitor Eddie is more important and more like a pillar of stability and just there. That he, compared to Buck’s boyfriend, does not need a badge because the hospital stuff knows him and that he is allowed to be in there.

Tommy needing Eddie’s “explanations” (for example the “Sergeant Grant” – “Bobby’s wife”) because he is not involved enough to know about these things in Buck’s life which is especially a bit weird because we remember him being at the cruise ship rescue where Bobby and Athena were rescued and he played a part in that.

no intimacy between the two people in a relationship at all: There was no real greeting. Just a “hey” and “thanks for coming”. Nothing that screams “THEY ARE A COUPLE!”. No kiss, no hug, no real touch. Tommy barely touched Buck’s knee for a second and that’s it. The whole conversation he was standing in front of the bed, unmoving, his hands to himself.

To sum this up. In this scene Tommy seemed more like a slightly concerned friend visiting another friend at the hospital who got injured somehow. Nothing in that scene was showing THEM being a couple and THEM being in a relationship. On the contrary. Not to put on any shipper googles but Eddie seemed more like a partner in that episode, the doting and caring boyfriend, than Tommy because the audience realizes that he has been there the whole time, sitting with Buck even though he is not badly injured, keeping him company and listening fondly to Buck’s weird assumptions.

You might argue that some of these points mentioned above might be a bit far-fetched. And okay, I give you that. I even said it myself that some things might be interpreted in a certain way. But since it is just my interpretation, let’s kind of put these things aside and break it down to the essential stuff.

Namely, what could have shown that Buck and Tommy being the ones in a relationship in that scene. It is kind of obvious – a. them being on their own with Eddie either leaving or not being there in the first place and b. them showing at least some kind of intimate connection with a touch or a greeting kiss.

But, nothing happened at all. Like I said. They looked more like friends than a couple in that scene.

Now, compare it to other established couples on the show. Remember Chim being injured and sick on his wedding day? Maddie was sitting with him. They had an emotional talk, they held hands, touched and kissed in the end. Now look at the scene with Buck and Tommy where Tommy did nothing like that. He was just there.

On to the next scene then.

Buck and Tommy at the loft

Buck’s shoulder was injured but the rest of his body was okay. So, he could have sat in his bed, complaining about the injury while Tommy coming up the stairs with medicine and food, listening to him.

Tommy could have sat down next to Buck so that he could pull Buck close, them cuddling up together and maybe another small kiss shared to show how much he cares for Buck.

Buck being on a deep dive about the corpse: we could have seen Tommy smile fondly at him, slowly closing the laptop and telling Buck to get some rest because he needs it. Because he is worried about his well-being.

Buck rambling about Billy’s background and Tommy sitting there, listening to him the whole time, chiming in with a comment or two and maybe even giving some input himself

They could have shared either the bed or couch with each other.

What we got instead:

Buck sitting in an armchair and Tommy taking the couch. I get why they might not have shared the couch because it is not that huge and they are both big guys. But Buck’s bed is perfectly fine. And Buck isn’t incapable of walking upstairs. So, instead of showing them sharing a bed they slept separately on the couch and the armchair. One might say that it was a doctor’s order that Buck had to sleep in a sitting position. But, and that is the important part: We don’t know about any doctor’s orders who could suggest that. Yes, it might be a thing. But a. 911 is not known for their medical accuracy (Buck should have worn a sling and not have leant on his former dislocated shoulder on the bed as well) and b. the writers have to assume that not everyone in the audience knows about that so they should have mentioned it. But none of that happened. So, the audience remembers them not sharing the bed or couch and being distant.

Tommy telling Buck to shut the computer down: He said he should stop being on his laptop. Buck then replied “five more minutes” and Tommy replied “you already had your five minutes”. This sounded more like an exchange between an adult and a kid (“Pleeeease, just five more minutes, I don’t want to go to bed yet!”) than between two people in a relationship.

Buck rambling and Tommy falling asleep: We know about Buck’s ADHD brain and how he can deep dive into topics he is interested in. The “curse” being one of them. So, while he lists all these facts and why he thinks that he is cursed and all the background for Billy - what is Tommy doing? He lays down on the couch, pulls up the blanket and turns off the light. It can be seen as “I don’t care what you are talking about, I am tired, let’s go to sleep.” It gives a very dismissive and condescending impression how Tommy acts towards Buck.

While Buck continues to talk, we can hear Tommy’s voice getting quieter, indicating that he falls asleep on him, not trying to stay awake to listen to his boyfriend who really seems to be concerned about being cursed. Yes, you could say that the curse is stupid and fake. But you usually indulge your partner’s weird antics, you listen to them and try to push them slowly in the direction you want them to go. Like “go to sleep” without them feeling like an idiot

Again, there was no PDA. No kiss, no hug, not even a proper goodnight.

There were probably a few more smaller things that could have been mentioned but I think the ones above are enough to get it. This scene didn’t really give boyfriend/relationship vibes as well as the hospital scene before. You could see Tommy here again as just a friend who takes care of another friend. But not his romantic partner.

Yes, the stuff above might be seen as “make up scenarios” and too much influenced by “fanfiction”. But let’s be real. This stuff is what keeps the audience invested in a relationship. Watching them being cute together. Seeing their shared touches and intimate moments. People start to relate to them and root for them. Because they start to love them on their screens, their dynamic as a couple.

But what we have seen here doesn’t really tell anyone to root for them as a couple. Because they ARE NOT portrayed as a couple at all. Compare it to the end of the episode when for example Maddie and Chim look at Jee’s Halloween pictures. They are cuddled up on the couch together, they are close, they laugh together. Or Hen and Karen with their kids, sharing moments and glances and touches.

Now look back at the scene with Buck and Tommy and you will spot the difference. It is visible for the audience that the relationship between them is different than the ones the established couples have. And you cannot explain it with them being in a new relationship. Because in episode 5 they are already together for around half a year maybe. So at least some intimacy and shared moments could be shown. They are not five, they are grown-ups. Kisses and touching should be on the menu for them.

Before I get on to the next scene let’s have a short callback to the hospital scene and the non-existent PDA there. You could try to explain that back at the hospital was none because they were in a public setting. Eddie was there and the hospital staff. Okay. But what about the loft then? What about this scene here? They were on their own, nobody there. Just them. They could have shared some touches or kisses. But the writers decided not to make them kiss, hug, cuddle up or touch at all.

Like I said. Remember. Things are intentional in a tv show and stuff shown on screen usually has a deeper meaning and a subtext. And so does stuff NOT shown.

Next.

Buck, Tommy and Eddie with the boils

Honestly, I am not sure what else they could have shown us here instead of what they did. So, I will just point out a few things and not diving too deep in the what could have been.

We know Tommy is a firefighter and a helicopter pilot. Therefore, he has some basic medical training concerning injuries. He probably has seen a lot of stuff because he was also in the army. But still, he did not even dare to touch Buck.

When he first spots the boils, he jumps away from Buck, not daring to get too close to him. As if he is afraid that the stuff could be contagious. He does not even react properly when Buck asks for his phone. Buck has to repeat himself with a slightly raised voice before Tommy hands him his phone because he is too engrossed in staring at Buck’s face and the boils on them. And while Buck stares at his image, Tommy continues to stare at his boyfriend from a distance.

Yes, people might say that it is completely relatable that Tommy does not want to touch Buck and that he wants to keep a safe distance, not daring to get too close. And I agree. If you look at the situation as if it happened in real life. But this is different. This is a tv show. There, something is just contagious if the writers want it to be contagious. They decide and you cannot compare it with what would be in the real world. In a show, on screen, when a person has a skin condition or any other disease, their beloved ones do not think twice about it. They care about the person they love. They want to be close, no matter what. They do not think about not touching them or whatever. This is also a means to show how deep a connection between two characters are. That even if one of them is sick the other cares and loves them enough to risk being sick as well.

Now, when we look at the scene with this background knowledge? We can question how strong Tommy’s feelings towards Buck really are and where they stand concerning the state of “I love you to the core, no matter what”.

The difference between Tommy and in this case Eddie again is also very clearly shown concerning this. For one, the writers decided to let Eddie be the person to help Buck. Not Maddie, his sister, who is a nurse or Chim or Hen who are both paramedics. No, it is Eddie, again, who is being put in between Buck’s and Tommy’s relationship.

We have already seen them act differently in the hospital scene and this difference is here in this scene as well.

While Tommy does not dare to get too close or even touch Buck, Eddie is the one in the end to treat Buck’s boils. He stands close and even dares to touch Buck after treating him without his gloves for the bet. We might not have seen the handshake (even though we know it is there due to the stills we got before the episode aired). But it is implied that they touch because we can see Eddie reaching out for Buck’s hand to shake it. And since later on Eddie pays Buck for losing the bet, we know that Buck has agreed on it. Therefore, they probably shook hands.

Another difference in Tommy’s and Eddie’s behavior towards Buck is that Eddie might make fun of Buck. But in the end, no matter how many times he laughs about the absurdity of a curse being responsible for the boils, he tries to be helpful. He offers an explanation (stress induced), tries to calm Buck down that it has nothing to do with a curse and assumes that it will be probably gone the next day, hence the bet.

During all of that Tommy is just sitting there, being absolutely unhelpful, just chiming in with unwanted comments. Like comparing what has happened to Buck with an “accountant cousin” who also gets gross boils when they are stressed. Buck is rightfully offended by the word gross and asks if Tommy thinks that he is gross as well which makes Tommy realize that this was the wrong thing to say.

Another point that should not be forgotten is that... until that moment when Buck is treated Tommy seemingly has no clue why Buck has been in the hospital in the first place. Why he had a dislocated shoulder. Eddie says something about him slipping on a pumpkin and Tommy is like "Oh, you have never told me. That is how that happened? See, there you have your explanation." referring to the rotten pumpkin seeds as a cause for the boils. This is such a dissonance in their relationship. Why did Buck not tell him how that happened? And more importantly, why did Tommy not ask? He took Buck home and was with him the whole evening and did not bother to ask for once? And before people say "but what if...?" No. Remember. We can just work with what we have seen on screen. And the audience sees that they spend time together but either Buck did not want to tell Tommy or Tommy did not ask.

These things, this behavior, showed again that they are not really connected at all. And the audience might question what kind of behavior that is because they are supposed to be in a relationship, right? Again, Eddie looks more like a partner here than Tommy, treating him, getting close, touching him, knowing about his injury, trying to be helpful.

The Denny hospital scene

Buck is concerned about Denny being injured; he is worried. Tommy could talk to him, to distract him.

They could hold hands or Tommy having an arm around Buck’s shoulder.

Tommy and the rest of the 118 family waiting here could talk with each other to show that Tommy is included and accepted as Buck’s partner, one of their own, and that Tommy is concerned about Denny’s well-being since we know how much they all care for the 118’s kids.

What we got instead:

Them just sitting next to each other without any PDA after Tommy brought the two of them coffee. Their shoulders just touch because they sit on these small chairs. It is kind of obvious if you compare it directly with Bobby and Athena who sit behind them. An established couple. Also, close and holding hands, talking to each other. Being connected through their shared concern for the kid.

When Tommy came back with the coffee, he kind of scolded Buck with “stop picking” and Buck replied “I am not picking” which, again, sounded more like an adult talking to a child than two people in a relationship.

The group chat message: Tommy isn’t included in the group chat which shows that he is not really close to the “family” (which was already indicated by Eddie’s comment about “Bobby’s wife” earlier on). Not that every partner has to be in there, but all the established couples are. We see that Chim, Eddie, Buck, Bobby AND Athena (who is not part of the 118 but Bobby’s wife) get the message. Tommy is left out, showing that he is an outsider.

The other thing with the group chat is: Tommy already did that twice in season 7 already. He talks about the importance of the 118, the found family and what they mean to each other. And back then and now it could be read as pure jealousy. That he is not that close to them but wishes to be. It seems to be more important for him to point out what a great connection they have than to show empathy and real concern for people Buck cares about. Like Bobby eventually dying in the season 7 finale and now Denny in surgery. Both times he switches instantly to his own feelings, his view on the 118 in general, not supporting his partner and his concerns and worries.

We see it again that Tommy seems not to be in tune with Buck and they aren’t acting like a couple. No touches, not tuning in to Buck’s feelings and worries. He is, again, just there.

So, last but not least…

The cemetery

Them standing next to each other. There would be no need to hold hands because this is a cemetery and it could be weird to show PDA. But at least stand next to each other.

Tommy chiming in with some words for Billy’s eulogy to show that he still might think this curse thing is stupid but indulging in Buck’s weirdness about it

Them leaving together, holding hands and sharing an understanding and meaningful look.

What we got instead:

Buck having a monologue about the dead body (that is also a montage for the other characters, showing Eddie being alone with the words “Truth is, I can’t imagine anything more painful than going through life alone.”) while Tommy stands there a few feet apart from him. We know he was already weirded out and not too eager to touch Buck due to the boils and him maybe being scared that this thing could be transmitted. But like I said before. Stuff is just contagious if the writers want it to be. And loved ones do not usually care about it anyway. So, him standing a few feet apart? Why other than to show that they are still not on the same level.

Buck calling Tommy out for not kissing him: He tells Billy’s grave that Tommy does not want to kiss him due to the boils, the curse, and being gross. Tommy might deny it instantly but the show does not support his statement that it is NOT like that. He can deny it all he wants but Buck points out that they have not kissed and the audience has not seen one kiss between them at all throughout the whole episode. So, the impression that is left with the audience is that Tommy might really not have kissed him because he was disgusted. And what kind of behavior is that from a partner in a loving and promising relationship?

When Buck leaves the grave with the words “Yeah, and lift the curse” he doesn’t look back and waits if Tommy will follow. He could have waited and taken Tommy’s hands to walk to the car together. But he left, not a second glance or checking in if Tommy really follows.

Tommy being against the curse the whole time and thinking it was stupid. But in the end, he also muttered a “please lift the curse” towards the grave. This might have been just for the fun of it. So, okay, I won’t put too much emphasis on that even though you could interpret it as well in a certain way.

I think there is no need to really break this scene down in detail because I talked a lot about the stuff for the other scenes that happened here as well. Them being distant and not touching at all, not showing a physical and intimate connection.

Yes, Buck might have called him his boyfriend in that scene. But honestly, that was the first time he said it and that was the only thing that could lead an uninformed viewer to the conclusion that they are in a relationship with each other and not just friends. And I said it already. It is not enough to say things once or maybe twice. You have to show it so that everyone watching the show gets it.

~*~

So, all in all… To finally conclude the stuff I wrote here.

TV shows usually show the audience that people are in a relationship by giving the people hints about it. Touches, glances and other stuff. Not because the audience is stupid or has no clue about what is going on. It is more to remind them and keep them entertained. And that they would start to be invested and root for the couple, especially if it is a newer one. They would show that this relationship is sweet and nice and something to like.

But with showing none of that and sometimes even showing the complete opposite the writers made it pretty clear that this is not it.

Yeah, I can see people rolling their eyes at my “make up scenarios” and takes about the PDA in particular, explaining that Tommy is probably not that kind of guy for these things. That he is more mature and reserved. And yes, you might be right. He could be. But, and that is the important part here. We don’t know about that. The audience doesn’t know about this part of Tommy’s character. If he is a touchy guy or not. It was never stated in the show because it wasn’t relevant until now. So, we have to go with what we see on screen and what is told through the actions here. And that is that Tommy and Buck show no affection in their relationship, that often their connection looks more like between casual friends than between a couple. And that the usual indicators for a couple’s behavior aren’t portrayed in this relationship.

If you look at all these scenes I mentioned above and how they showed Tommy and how he acts towards Buck, it is not really boyfriend-coded.

He makes fun of him that borders on being just mean. Unlike Eddie he does not have years of knowing each other under his belt so that he would know how much teasing and mocking Buck can endure. Tommy acts slightly grossed out by Buck’s look and he acts more like a parent towards his child in the loft and later at the hospital with his scolding condescending tone. There is no loving connection between the two of them due to touches or something similar.

Therefore… this relationship might be in a situation right now that is quite okay. But we can see that this cannot stay like that in the long run. To make it last, to make it into an “endgame” one, the writers would need to invest more time and especially more hints and development so that they can be easily compared with basic stuff the already established couples show.

Kisses. Touches. Hugs. Glances. An understanding for each other. Listening to each other. And so much more.

But right now, we might have seen Tommy in a lot of scenes this episode. But none of his scenes with Buck gave away that this is couple behavior and this is something for the future. So, there are just two options. Either they develop that relationship so that the audience (not the fandom!) can also relate to them as a couple and start to root for them or they break them up because it stays as underdeveloped as Buck’s other relationships before.

Last words?

If you read all that and thought about it, it is quite obvious that the relationship between Buck and Tommy might seem okay on a surface level and Buck also calling Tommy his boyfriend for now. But storytelling wise, from a writer’s point of view? It is not a good one because it is lacking so much connection that on screen relationships usually have.

So, calling it “endgame” now and that they are so happy with each other? I doubt it. A lot has to happen to make it more believable. Because right now (and yes, this might be the shipper’s googles talking) Buck has still more chemistry and connection with his best friend Eddie than his on screen boyfriend Tommy.