#still bummed nobody likes the games i do but oh well. i like playing video games by myself more anyways

[stinkrascal]

OKAY the dnd session is finally over, im gonna play stardew valley by myself for 14 hours straight now. the session was fun btw lol, im glad i got to hang out w my bros nevertheless, i just wish theyd wanna play the games i like for a change. but yeah talking to people is objectively better than being alone so whatever ig at least im socializing with people and not just completely isolating myself

[heyyyharry]

Deep End - Chapter 5: Master of the House

…in which Ezi is home alone with Harry’s assistant.

Word count: 4.8k

AU: famous!harry, siren!mc, adult modern retelling of the little mermaid? lol, fake dating, enemies to lovers.

WARNING: MATURE THEMES

All chapters / Synopsis / Moodboard / Playlist

Wattpad link

A/N: PLEASEEEEEE LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! I'll write faster when I get a lot of comments ����

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Harry pulled Ezi down the hallway to find the nearest bathroom. His head started to hurt as he thought about how his mother would react if she found out what Ezi had done. What he had done. He didn’t expect his cousin to run and tell anyone that he’d been attacked by a helpless girl and that Harry had beat the shit out of him afterwards. But someone might have seen that, and words could spread like a virus at these kinds of events. It’d be wiser to just walk away quietly.

When he had found a bathroom, an old lady stepped out, saw them and made a face, probably assuming the worst when she caught sight of the blood on Ezi’s face.

“I didn’t hit her,” Harry told the lady, only to receive a disgusted look in return.

She ignored him and turned to Ezi. “Honey, are you alright?”

Ezi offered a grin, showing her blood-stained teeth. “Yeah. It’s not my blood.”

The lady’s eyes widened in shock. Slowly, she took a step back, then ran off without another word.

Harry immediately shut the door behind them. “Wash your mouth,” he told Ezi, turned on the water, and as she washed her mouth in the sink, he took off his jacket, put it on the marble counter, and rolled up his sleeves.

Ezi hopped onto the counter and watched Harry soak the handkerchief he’d been carrying in his pocket.

“Face,” he ordered, and she lifted her chin so he could gently wipe off the blood around her mouth.

“I was defending myself,” she said once he’d finished and tossed the handkerchief into the bin at his feet.

“I know.” He shifted his eyes back to her. He didn’t mean to sound like a dick, but it seemed like he’d come off as one. He leaned to the side with his hand on the cool surface of the sink. “It’s not your fault. I know my cousin. His family is in debt because of his gambling addiction. I keep telling my mother to ban him from the manor, but she has too much respect for the fucker’s parents to do it.”

“So why did he call you trash?”

At that, Harry couldn’t help but cackle. “He did? Well, I think most people would think so. I haven’t done much to make my mother proud. She wanted her only son to take over our family’s business, but I wanted to become a singer, and yeah…”

Ezi blinked at him. She probably didn’t understand most of what he’d said, so he let it go and worked up a smile. “Sorry for oversharing. You okay?”

She nodded. “I’m not hurt. I was the one that bit him.”

“Are you feeling sorry for him now?”

“No. I would’ve eaten him if you hadn’t shown up.” The way she;d said with a straight face amused and scared Harry at the same time. “Although he didn’t taste as good now that I’m human and need my food cooked.”

“I’ll just assume that you weren’t serious.”

Harry picked up his jacket from the sink. Ezi hopped to her feet and reached for the doorknob, but he pulled her back to him by her wrist and swept his eyes over her body once again. “Where did he touch you?”

She pointed to her waist and showed him the red fingerprints around her forearm.

“Nowhere else?”

“Nowhere else.” She shook her head. “I don’t like being touched.”

A sense of discomfort filled Harry as he recalled how she’d said those same words after he’d yelled at her earlier. She must have been so scared. Tonight he deserved a trophy for being the biggest asshole alive.

“Nobody should touch you. Not even me.”

“You are touching me.”

Harry looked down at his fingers around her wrist and immediately let go. “From now on, nobody,” he said. “Only when you give them permission to touch you, okay?”

“What about handshakes?”

“Handshakes are fine. Wouldn’t recommend shaking hands with everyone, though. Germs and all that.” He stepped in closer and pretended to put his arms around her without touching her, just to demonstrate. “So hugs like this are for friends. You don’t usually do this to people you’ve just met. Unless they’re the ones on the street with the sign that says FREE HUGS. You’re allowed to hug those.”

“Got it.”

“And,” breathed Harry as he grabbed his nonexistent boobs. “This area is forbidden. Nobody is allowed to touch you here...unless you want them too, of course.”

“Why would I want them to?”

Harry ignored the question and went on, grabbing his bum. “Also this and the front area.” He gestured to his crotch. “Forbidden.”

“But I don’t have a tail.”

“You have something else that’s just as important as my tail.” He felt silly to say it, but it would have felt weird to say dick or penis to her face.

She put a finger to her lips; a line appeared between her brows as she pondered. “Speaking of something else, the hole--”

“Okay, not here! Save your questions for when we’re home.”

Harry grabbed her shoulders to spin her around, and she immediately smacked his hands and shot him a glare. “I didn’t give you permission to touch me.”

“Good. Love that attitude. But really, we need to leave before my mother finds out I almost killed someone in her home.”

He reached around Ezi and opened the door, bobbed his chin for her to go first, but she stood still, her face serious. “That wasn’t like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Back there. You became someone else. You were...violent.”

“Well, yeah. Only because he deserved that.”

Ezi cocked her head to the side, her clear blue eyes squinted. “But he was one of your kind. And I’m not. So why were you protecting me?”

“Because he assaulted you. I don’t care if he was the Queen of England. I would’ve beat his ass still.” Seeing her perplexed expression, Harry let out a soft laugh. “Why’s it surprising? Didn’t you save me twice?”

Ezi averted her eyes and gave a small nod. “Yeah.”

“And you lost your tail for it, so it wasn’t a fair trade anyway.”

He waited for her to say something, but she didn’t, so he wrapped his jacket around her shoulders and told her to go.

They didn’t speak on the ride home. Harry wanted to lighten up the mood with his stupid jokes, but he was too agitated to say anything. They had left without saying goodbye to his mother or anyone, so he would probably be in so much trouble tomorrow. He had put his phone on airplane mode; his mother’s harsh words would have to wait. He also couldn’t help but think that if he hadn’t shown up, something worse could have happened to Ezi. Or his cousin. Or both. And it would’ve been his fault as well.

“Next time we go out, don’t do the opposite of what I tell you to do,” he told Ezi when they’d arrived home and gone upstairs to her room. “You’re even more stubborn than my cat. At least she’d stay put when I tell her to.”

“I was looking for you! I thought you’d left me.”

Harry tossed his keys onto a table and turned to look at Ezi. He put both hands on his hips. She was giving him those puppy dog’s eyes while fidgeting with her own fingers as if she hadn’t nearly torn open his cousin’s throat with her human teeth. He could not imagine what she could do with her siren fangs.

He let go a sigh and scratched his forehead. “You thought I’d left you?” His voice was lower now that he’d calmed down a bit. “So you don’t trust me?”

She said nothing, just staring back at him.

Calmly, he went on, “I brought you all the way here to London and risked it all to keep you in my house, Ezi. I had to speak to some of my relatives at the event, but I was going to come back for you. I told you to stay--”

“You lied to me.”

Frozen to the spot, Harry blinked. “About?”

“Dawson,” Ezi said. “I talked to Dawson.”

“You talked to Dawson?!”

“And he was a nice person.” Then, she had to reassure him, “Don’t worry. It was a short conversation, and I didn’t tell him much about myself.”

“Then how do you know he was a nice person?” Harry scoffed. “I mean, you barely know the lad.”

“He told me about manga, and he called me beautiful, and he doesn’t act friendly to his enemy.”

“Enemy?” Harry asked, but Ezi didn’t bother to explain.

“Why do you hate him?” she asked.

Harry snorted and rolled his eyes. “He’s a try-hard. I hate try-hards. My mother loves him, so of course you’d love him, too.”

“I wouldn’t call it love--”

“Good. Because he’s lame.”

Ezi tilted her head, looking puzzled. “What’s lame?”

“Boring. Not interesting.”

“Oh.” She gave an understanding nod. “Then you’re the lamest.”

“Okay, you know what?” Harry exhaled and pointed to her bedroom door. He had never felt more like a dad than he was now. “You’re grounded for a day. That means you’re not allowed to leave your room tomorrow.”

“How will I eat?”

“The food will be brought to your room.”

Ezi’s face turned red as she crossed her arms and stomped her foot. “You cannot imprison me!”

“It’s not imprisoning if you still get to play games and watch videos on your iPad.”

Harry knew Ezi loved the iPad. Her furrowed brows relaxed as soon as she heard that she got to keep it. “Fine.” She breathed. “I don’t want to see your face anyway. I’ll just be in my room with Chilli.”

“Good.”

“Good!”

Ezi shoved Harry aside as she stormed into her room and kicked the door shut. Harry stared at it for a moment. Then, he smiled, shook his head and went back to his room.

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Ezili had a nightmare again.

This time, she’d returned to the ocean after failing her mission, and as punishment, her mother had turned her into a shrimp, while her sister had watched with a satisfied sneer.

A few moments after she’d woken up screaming, she heard Harry’s footsteps pounding down the hallway before he burst into her room, panting as he asked if she was alright. She almost said that she was now that he was here, but she didn’t and only answered with a nod.

“Okay,” Harry gave a crooked smile. “Just...wake me up if you need anything.”

“Wait.” The word slipped out before Ezili could stop herself.

Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Yeah?”

She rubbed her hands onto her thighs, feeling the smoothness of the fabric of her nightgown, which brought her a sense of comfort. In the semi-darkness of her room, Harry looked strangely handsome with his messy hair and sleepiness in his heavy hooded eyes. She wondered why he had to be all groomed most of the time when he already looked good without trying.

For a second, she forgot what she was about to say then flinched when he called her name.

“Can you sleep here with me tonight?” she asked.

Harry looked stiff, his lips slightly parted.

“If you want to,” she quickly added. When she was living under the sea, she had hated sharing her space with the other sirens, so she could imagine how uncomfortable Harry must feel about her request. Still, she knew if he was around, she wouldn’t have nightmares. If she focused on his presence, then she wouldn’t think about her mother and sister and the task that seemed impossible to complete. Besides, she wanted to be as close to him as possible, learn his behaviours, and slowly slip into his mind and then his heart.

“I mean…” He scratched the back of his head and awkwardly looked around the room. “I guess I could sleep on the sofa over there.”

“There’s plenty of space on this bed,” she said, patting the spot beside her.

His mouth curled. “I know. I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. After what happened tonight, I thought you wouldn’t want to be near a man anymore.”

Ezili shrugged. “Well, I’ll try not to hate you tonight.”

Harry rested a shoulder against the doorframe and rubbed his chin. “Well, well, well, are you saying that I chase your bad dreams away?”

“Yes, because you’re already a living nightmare.”

Her response made him laugh. At this point, she could conclude that he enjoyed being degraded.

He narrowed his eyes at her. “How’s your English so good? I thought you must speak a language for sirens, no?”

“We speak Séren back home.”

“Oh, cool. Say something in your language.”

“T’ko thikc mei vie mei zua zi.”

“Damn. What does it mean?”

“I don’t like you because you’re ugly.”

Harry’s smile vanished, making Ezili explode in laughter. When she saw the way he was gawking at her, probably because she had never laughed like that before, she forced herself to stop and cleared her throat. “Yeah, so that’s Séren.”

“How do you speak English so well then?”

“Not just English. I also speak French, Danish, and German.”

“Wow. Your fish schools teach human languages?”

Ezili made a disgusted face. “No. I learn them from hearing the conversations of the sailors on the boats.”

“Makes sense.” Harry nodded slowly. “You seem like a fast learner. Way too fast; it’s scary. Maybe your brain is even more developed than mine.”

“Thank you.”

“Now that I’ve entertained you--”

“You’ve done nothing. I did all the talking.”

“I gave you a topic to talk about. Don’t be mean.” Harry rolled his eyes. “Anyway, now that you’re entertained, do you still want me to stay?”

Ezili thought for a second and nodded.

“Alright,” Harry breathed and shut the door behind him. “I’ll stay. Scoot over.”

“You’re permitted to touch me tonight,” Ezili said.

Harry froze when he’d sat down on the edge of the bed. “What?”

Was there something wrong with his hearing? He’d asked her to repeat a lot of things tonight.

“You’re permitted to touch me tonight,” she told him again in annoyance. “You might touch my hand or arm when you sleep. I can’t hold you accountable for that.”

“That’s not--” He exhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. “You know what? Good for you. Keep that attitude when you’re with any man. I’m a man myself, but most of us are pigs.”

“You mean all of you.”

“I literally just lay down and you’re already insulting me.”

“Fine. I’ll stop,” Ezili said, smiling as she watched Harry adjust the covers to make himself comfortable.

“I can’t sleep with you staring at me like that,” he said with one eye shut and the other half-opened.

Pouting, Ezili turned over with her back to him. Harry’s throaty laugh made her stomach clench, but in a good way. “Ezi,” he whispered. “I was only joking.”

She completely ignored him, pretending she was asleep. He was quiet for the next few moments, and when she looked back to check, he was already sleeping. She thought he was playing, so she called his name and lightly pulled a strand of his hair, but he didn’t react. He was lying on his back, his mouth slightly open as he breathed, chest rising and falling in a calming rhythm. She pushed up on one elbow and peered down at his face. She hadn’t observed him this close before. Well, not since their first encounter on the beach. The last time, however, had been in a different situation, and she hadn’t got time to properly study him. Humans were exquisite-looking creatures. She would never admit aloud, but she had always envied them for it.

She started counting his eyelashes and connecting the freckles on his face. The more she looked, the more fascinating he became. It had amazed her how he’d rescued her instead of another human. And not just any human, but his family. She would never betray her kind for a human. Her rescuing him twice had been an act to gain his trust, when the whole purpose of this mission was to have him dead at the end.

Slowly and carefully, she moved closer and gently pressed her ear to his chest. She could hear it. The thumping of his heart, pumping blood through his veins, keeping him alive. He would be dead without that heart. Sadly, so would she.

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“Good morning?” Harry said in a tone of a question when he woke up and found Ezi standing in front of the window with her back straight and arms to her sides, like one of those guards in front of Buckingham Palace. “Helloooo?”

“Shhhh. I’m meditating.”

“Who meditates standing up?” He snorted. “Man, you’ve been watching too much YouTube.”

“TikTok. And I’m not a man.”

“Wait, you’re on TikTok now?”

Ezi released a long breath and turned around to face him, hands on her hips. Sunlight filtered through the thin material of her blue nightgown, and Harry looked away as fast as he could before he got hard over a nipple or something. He wasn’t a bad guy. It was only--

“Seven in the morning,” he groaned into the pillow and fell back to the bed. “Fucking hell.”

“It’s morning, so you’re not welcome in my bed anymore.”

He removed the pillow to glare at her. “Ungrateful little minx. Said that after I’d chased away all the nightmares.”

“Go before I send Chilli to take you out.”

As if she heard her name, Chilli appeared in the doorway and licked her little paw while sending Harry a death look.

“You’re siding with the enemy now, huh?” he asked the cat.

“Why not?” Ezi said. “She’s a smart girl.”

Harry groaned loudly as he pushed himself out of bed and started doing some stretches. “Remember,” he told Ezi, who was watching him with her arms crossed and a judgy look on her face. How did she manage to look this good at seven in the morning? Totally unfair. “Remember,” he repeated as he almost forgot what he was trying to say. “You’re grounded. So you can’t leave your room today, but the food will be brought to you. You’re allowed to use the bathroom down the hall.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He ruffled his hair and gestured at her. “Now continue doing...that...thing that you were doing.”

“Meditating.”

“Whatever,” he chuckled. “Weirdo.”

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“Good morning, Mr Boss!” said Amy, Harry’s assistant, as he went downstairs. She’d just arrived with the flowers for his living room.

“Morning, Ames. Any updates?”

“All in the email I sent you, Boss. Also, your mother called...52 times.”

“Yeah, I’ll deal with her,” Harry gave the girl a tight smile as he fixed his hair in the giant mirror by the stairs. “Thank you so much.”

“Did you watch the season finale of Master of the House?” Amy asked, smiling at his reflection in the mirror.

He turned around, grinning back at her. He liked how Amy was always so enthusiastic, but at the same time, found it difficult to match her energy. “No, been too busy. What happened?”

“I won’t spoil.” She giggled and started replacing the flowers in the vase in the centre of the living room with the new ones. “You should watch it this week and we’ll discuss.”

“I will.” When he got to the door, Harry did a spin as he remembered what he almost forgot. “Amy, can you stay here and wait for Niall to come? Also, there’s a girl sleeping upstairs. Don’t wake her.”

Amy’s usual grin had never disappeared so fast. Her hand that was holding a rose froze midair when she asked, “Was it the girl I saw the other day?”

“Yeah.”

“Your new girlfriend?”

“Just a friend.” Harry knew Amy had a little crush on him. It was harmless, so he didn’t really care. “I gotta go,” he told her, pretending he couldn’t see through her frown. “Wait for Niall.”

“Okay.” She forced a toothy grin and waved. “Have a great day, Boss!”

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This shirt was too big for Ezili. She shook her head, tongue stuck out at the corner of her lips as she reached further into the closet to get the dark blue t-shirt at the back.

As she pulled the pink shirt she was wearing over her head and put on the blue one. She heard the door to the closet creak open. Her chest nearly exploded. It was just Chilli.

She gave the cat a look. “What?”

The cat meowed at her.

“Yeah, I know he said I couldn’t leave my room and was only allowed to use the bathroom, but I’m bored.” She slipped on a white tennis skirt and sat down on the floor to put on a pair of white shoes. She struggled with the strings, but somehow still managed to tie them into two nice bows like she’d seen on those tutorials.

Twirling in front of the mirror, she asked Chilli, “Do you think I look good?”

Chilli responded by rubbing her tiny head against Ezili’s ankle. Ezili took it as a yes.

Their moment was interrupted by a loud thump from downstairs. Speaking of which, Ezili hadn’t heard from Harry all morning. He’d left breakfast for her at the door and disappeared to who knew where. She probably should go check on him.

Chilli followed her to the living room, both forgetting that Ezili wasn’t supposed to go downstairs. But it didn’t matter anymore, because instead of Harry, she found the green-haired girl lying on her stomach on the white cushioned sofa with her feet in the air and a half-finished bag of chips on the coffee table.. The sound Ezili had heard was the result of the chair this girl had knocked over yet didn’t bother to pick up.

Ezili hesitated for a moment behind the bookcase behind the girl. Before she decided to speak up, the girl did. She was on the phone with someone.

“So the master of the house was taken care of.”

Master of the house?

Harry?

“Nah, I think that girl is dead, too,” the green-haired girl giggled. What was so funny about death? “No, I don’t mean like dead now. But if she attacks, then the team will take her out.”

Ezili shivered. Could she be talking about Ezili? The master of the house was Harry. This green-haired monster had murdered Harry, and Ezili was the next target.

“What do you mean I don’t know that? I’m the expert. I’ve watched stuff like this all the time. Believe me. There’s no way she’s not getting caught. I can’t wait for the world to find out who she really is.”

Ezili went numb until she felt Chilli around her ankle. She put a finger to her lips to order the cat to stay quiet otherwise they’d both die. Picking up the cat, she walked quietly to the front door and slipped out before the green-haired girl found out she’d left her room. She must run away. She’d rather die by her mother’s hands than become a prisoner to humans.

The problem was: she didn’t know where she was.

How far was the ocean from here? She remembered having flown across the sky inside the iron bird, so this land must be very far from home.

“Watch where you’re going, crazy bitch!”

Ezili screamed when a car made a loud noise that almost blew up her ears. She stumbled backwards to the side of the road as the man inside the car gave her a look of contempt and drove off.

She hugged Chilli tighter to her chest. Relax, the voice inside her head said. I know you’ll figure out what to do.

She inhaled deeply and--

“Ezili?”

The sound of her name felt like a splash of water on a hot day. She shot her focus to the white car with the window rolled down and saw a familiar handsome face with glasses.

“Dawson!”

Dawson poked his head out of the window. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans -- the opposite image of the person she’d met last night. “Hey, where are you going?” he asked, looking concerned. “With the cat. Where’s Harry?”

“He’s dead,” Ezili told him quietly. She couldn’t let them find out that she’d escaped.

To her surprise, Dawson laughed. Could it be that he was one of them?

“Sooo dead. His mum sent me to check on him because she’s raging and he doesn’t answer his phone. But don’t worry. This happens all the time. He’s like a cat. Got nine lives.”

Ezili rapidly shook her head. “There was a girl in there. Green hair—”

“Harry’s assistant?”

“Yeah, that girl!” She continued nodding. “She was talking on the phone with someone. She said that the m-master of the house i-is dead.”

“Shit.” Dawson’s face grew dim. Maybe he’d finally understood. “She spoiled you the season finale?”

What?

“That sucks. But don’t worry, there’s still more.”

“What?”

“Master of the House. The Netflix show.”

It took Ezili’s brain a few moments to process, then she realised she had made a fool out of herself for nothing. Of course the green-haired girl wasn’t talking about killing Harry. It was a Netflix show!

Sighing in relief, she threw on a smile. “Oh, right. Yeah, that really shocked me. Harry’s not home, by the way.”

Dawson grimaced. “You okay? Where were you running off to?”

“Uhhh.” Ezili straightened her back. “W-Where were you running off to? I mean, driving.”

Dawson chuckled. He also had dimples like Harry’s, just not as prominent. “I came to see Harry but since he’s not home.” He peered around her to the front gate of Harry’s house. “I guess I’ll go to the bookstore today.” Another smile at Ezili. Unlike Harry, this one smiled a lot. And Ezili was keen on it. “Wanna come?”

Go with him?

Yes, yes she absolutely wanted that.

Harry wasn’t going to let her explore this new land anyway. And after the incident this morning, it was for the best if she knew her way around here, to escape when she must. Still, she remembered how angry he’d been last night about her not doing what he’d told her to do and putting herself in danger. She was about to turn down the offer when Chilli jumped out of her arms and into the car with Dawson. She sat casually on Dawson’s lap, gazing up at Ezili.

Dawson beamed. “Looks like the cat’s made up its mind.”

Ezili rolled her eyes, threw her head back and groaned. “Her name’s Chilli,” she said. “But, fine. I’ll go with you.”

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Niall felt like the main character today as he skipped up the steps to Harry’s door. Harry had asked him for a favour again. Because where else would his best friend turn to when things got rough? Niall knew that he was helpful and the best friend Harry could ask for. Still, he tried to stay humble about it.

“Sup, Ames.” He waved at Harry’s assistant, who opened the door for him. “Did you like my new TikTok?”

“With all five of my accounts. I got you, Nialler,” Amy said as she leaned against the staircase while chewing gum in her mouth.

Niall shrugged off his coat and hung it up. “Thanks, love. Sorry I’m late. Mikasa was wild this morning. I’m literally exhausted.”

“Uh, TMI?”

“What do you mean? It’s just yoga. She and her ‘I’m a therapist. Yoga will be good for your mental health’. She thinks I’m in love with her and would do anything for her. And you know what? She’s absolutely correct. Now where’s the girl?”

Amy looked confused for a second before she realised who he was referring to. “Oh, the pale girl? I saw her leave with Dawson Styles.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, she got into his car with Chilli. Is she really Harry’s girlfriend? I don’t like her. She didn’t say hello to me the first time and not this morning, either.”

“Shit, shit, shit.” Niall grabbed his head. “Sick girl on the loose. Sick girl on the loose. Thanks Ames.” Ignoring Amy looking baffled, he pulled out his phone and called Harry. The endless ringing only got him more frustrated. “Pick up, you motherfucker. It’s always the Nialler who has to save the day.”

Harry picked up after what seemed like a million beeps. “Don’t tell me someone’s injured. It’s only been an hour.”

“Worse!” Niall almost yelled. “Dawson kidnapped the girl!”

[hideous-little-structure]

I think it's so interesting that one of the main reasons I've stayed on Tumblr this long is that the Nancy Drew games fandom is really robust here and I've met very few people irl who know the games or love them as much as I do, and yet here we are.

I joined the "clue crew" many many years ago after looking up a walkthrough for SCK because my weenie-hut-juniors ass was way to scared to finish the game after I blew up the diner by accident but I wanted to know how it ended. That was my first Arglefumph video and after that, I was hooked. I only owned SCK and HAU and the DVD version of CUR, but his channel let me experience every single game and I really loved watching the videos.

When I was around 15 I think, I was making my own little youtube videos and learning how to edit video. Michael's channel was still relatively small but he was gaining popularity and his videos started getting more ambitious. So, I reached out and told him I was a fan and looking to get more editing practice in, and that I'd love to edit for him. He said yes, and I made a couple of videos for him (a section of Everything Wrong With SCK and then the entirety of EWW CUR and CLK) and had a blast doing it. I asked to do them for free because I didn't need the money.

Afterwards, Michael and I became friends on Facebook and through him I met Paul Franzen of "Oh, a Rock" game studios. I made the trailer for the first Cat President game for Paul, a picture of my cat is in the second one, and I (as well as Michael) played a character in Internet Court which just came out on Tuesday. I was paid for all of these gigs at the insistence of Paul. I loved doing these as well and definitely would work with either of them again if they asked.

I'm transgender (non-binary sapphic) and started my transition at around the same time as I started working with Michael and Paul. Both of them have been friends with me throughout the entire process of me having top surgery, changing my name, and starting HRT. They have both been great friends and supporters of my transition. I have always felt safe with both of them.

I saw a post earlier today of some people upset that Her Interactive was promoting one of Michael's speedruns and had totally ignored a fan effort to raise money for charity. I don't know a ton of the details, but it's definitely common knowledge that being a part of the fandom entails a lot of ragging on Her Interactive, especially recently, as they have a track record of not being in touch with the fanbase. But people took it out on Michael, and as a friend of his, that bummed me out. I commented on it and someone messaged me and accused Michael of being racist and homophobic, as well as cheating on a speedrun. I told them about my relationship with Michael and that I didn't like that such strong claims were being made against him (I also looked into the speedrun thing, and to my knowledge he discovered an existing exploit in a game and Her asked him to take down his video because they didn't want the exploit to become widely known. I don't know the whole story though) especially because I know him personally.

Someone else screenshotted my comment and explained that their beef isn't with Michael on this one, which I appreciated, but someone else linked to a "your fave is problematic" Google doc about him. This frustrates me a lot. Here's the doc if you want to read it for yourself. I'm not gonna try and hide it because I've read through it and I'm not ashamed to be friends with this guy.

I don't know if he talks about it often anymore, but Michael used to be studying to be a Catholic priest. He's religious. But in my experience, he's always been kind about it and has never tried to force his beliefs on others. You can actually see in the doc that he treads pretty lightly. He's also a cishet white man with two daughters who just enjoys the Nancy Drew games and likes to share that joy with others. He was one of the first people to consistently make ND content and it seems like he was the intro to the fandom for a lot of people, so he's kind of become a cornerstone of the community.

There's a section of the doc about underpaying an artist, and I do feel for that person, but they didn't communicate about how they felt the work was worth more (I get it, I have social anxiety, I hate asking for more money, but I also understand that nobody can read my mind, especially not someone who isn't an artist or in touch with the artist community).

Michael is not a racist, or a homophobe, or a transphobe. He is a pretty nice catholic guy who tries to be considerate of other people and sometimes is uneducated but I've never seen him be intentionally malicious.

It's really hard to see someone you've known for years get thrown under the bus because he's just a guy who doesn't spend all his time trying to woke. His blog might have some stuff that I don't agree with, but he's the type of person to extend a hand to anyone who needs it, regardless of their situation or opinions.

I hope Her Interactive gets better about engaging with the fans and supporting all the really cool stuff that members of the community do, but I'm sorry, if you come for my friend like that, I'm not gonna sit there and take it.

[gotmilk5101520]

Miraculous Ladybug Rewatch Episode 69 Stormy Weather 2

It’s recap time.

“Once a villain, always a villain!” Umm...

“Well, you will never change, Marinette Dupain-Cheng. You'll always be Adri-dumb...I mean, Adri-bummed abababababa lame!” “It really took you 3 seasons to realize that i’m in love with Adrien?” “Shut up”

“And you, Alya Cesaire. You still haven't found out who Ladybug is, right? Well, you two are made for each other! You're both just as clueless as the other. And you Nino... Actually i have nothing to say to you”

“Every day we see each other and I hope that you'll be mine, together our love could be so true, please will you be my valentine?“

“It's so beautiful. But I'll never know what he thinks of me, or who this poem he wrote was meant for” It was meant for you.

“You've changed a lot since the beginning of the year and since you first met Adrien!”

“You're right! I have changed. I got more and more clumsy since I met him!” It’s only cause he’s Chat Noir.

“What about the time you practiced for the video game competition? Right here in your bedroom!“ Ah yes from my favorite episode in season 1

“Adrien has become a true friend!”

“Adrien's become a friend who I can talk to about anything” He’s just a friend.

“Nathalie, here are the plans for the next episodes”

“In tomorrow’s episode i will akumatize Kagami’s mom, then in the episode after that we meet an akuma from the future, then the next episode i will go to Tokyo” “Wait really?” “Of course not Nathalie. I will pretend to go to Japan, but i’m really here at home taking care of my butterflies”

“Now i know what you’re thinking. “Nathalie, how did you ended up in this situation?” Well to be honest it’s a really long story and i don’t want to explain it. So let’s move on”

“As I've watched Emilie  falling deeper into an endless sleep, my sadness for her has deepened, too” Is Emilie dead or not?

“I feel a strong negative emotion”

“I have to tell you how amazing this photoshoot was, Dad” “Oh shhhhiiiitttt!!!!!”

“Is father finally going to do something about the basement corpse?” “Hopefully yes”

“This negative emotion I'm feeling… it's familiar”

“Maybe it's your son’s emotion. You should spend more time with him” “Don’t tell me things i should be doing as a father!”

“Nooroo, Angry Moth Noises!”

“What if Nooroo is right? Am I taking too many risks?”

“Nah”

“And for once, his birthday gift to me was amazing” Yeah... Hahaha...

“Your father's like one of those wheels of cheese with a very thick rind”

“Once you manage to sink your teeth into it, you realize it's all soft inside”

“Or slightly rotten” Pretty sure rotten.

“It's not me! I swear I didn't use my Cataclysm!” This time?

“What is that?” That’s California my boy.

“Probably. But don't worry, kitty. We're not gonna let her rain on Paris' parade”

“Hey! Was that a pun I heard, my lady?”

“Yep. A little change is good, don't you think?”

“I love that girl!” *Screams in Ladynoir*

“Stormy Weather seems way stronger than the first time around”

“And it's that brat Chloe's fault again. Actually it’s been a while since she caused an akuma. Actually she hasn’t caused a lot of akumas since season 2 started”

“It's weird to think of it, but if it wasn't for Hawkmoth, you and I might not be here right now”

“Actually it's thanks to Ladybug we're together” “Oh yeah. She locked us in a cage”

“Trixx, What Does The Fox Say!”

“Wayzz, Calabanga!”

“I suspected you’re Carapace from the very beginning” But not that Marinette is Ladybug or Adrien being Chat Noir?

#LetDjwifikiss

“Nobody's nicer than me” Are you sure about that?

“Yep. That’s us. You’re probably wondering how we got here”

So apparently this is the only season 3 episode in this recap.

“We've learned to trust each other”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t show this!”

“These are memories from my pov!”

“Don’t go showing Chat Noir’s identity!”

“After all, we've been through a lot together. We're not gonna let Stormy Weather defeat us, right, kitty?”

“As usual, I completely agree with you, Bugaboo”

*Screams in Ladynoir again*

“The further the Earth moves away from the Sun, the colder the temperatures will get”

“You're outside right now, Clara. How’s it going?”

“We're down to minus 40 degrees Celsius, Nadja. It's getting very difficult but Ladybug and Chat Noir have donned their specialized suits, so they can battle Stormy Weather on an equal playing field”

“Ice-bug just called up her Lucky Charm. She’s got a small object - it looks like a pencil. What’s she going to do with that?”

“Chat Noir is holding up a copy machine”

“I can't see much, but it- it looks like Ladybug is making a photocopy”

“Whoa! That was a huge flash!”

“Wait, Stormy Weather has been defeated!”

You know watching all season 3 episodes in the right order really makes me see Stormy Weather 2 in a whole new light. They keep talking about change and they’re right. After this episode there are a lot of changes and revelations. The episodes after this are huge game changer. If season 3 airing wasn’t a mess, then i’m sure some people would agree. Also how come no one in the fandom thought to make a comic or fan fic about the fight? I want to know what the copy machine was for!

“You tell him it's from Marinette, his friend from school, and that I did it as a friend to help him, okay?” She’s just a friend.

“Umm... I can still see you, you know?”

“Your friend from school, Marinette, just brought you these lessons you missed today”

“She copied them out for you by hand; she wanted me to tell you she did it for you as a friend to help you. Nothing more than a friend. She’s just a friend after all. A friend, nothing more and nothing less” “Okay Nathalie, i get it”

“See you tomorrow at school. Love, your friend, Marinette”

“I'd never noticed, Marinette's writing”

“Of course, it couldn't have been from Ladybug. It had to have been from someone at school, but Marinette?” Actually it was from Ladybug.

“No, Marinette couldn't possibly be in love with me, she's just a friend who loves fashion” *Rage in French*

“Besides, there's Luka”

“What about Luka?” “Well his writing could be-” “You didn’t even met at that point!”

Hehe. This was also episode 69 Nice.

Let’s make some new friends.

[neighbourskid]

What’s Your Story?

(original date: 30 July 2016)

At ComicCon, two weeks ago, I got this free shirt that says "What's your story?". And now that I've been wearing it, every time I've looked in a mirror or just seen a reflection of myself, I have been wondering, what exactly is my story? Why am I the way I am? What made me like this? Where do I come from, and where do I go to? And I have thought a lot about this, to be honest. But I guess, I just gotta start at the beginning, right?

I am pretty bad with childhood memories. I barely know anything. Everything that I do know, I feel like only knowing because people told me or because I've seen pictures of it. Which honestly bums me out. I am also constantly not sure if things I feel like I actually do remember, aren't just things that I made up at some point. But anyways.

I grew up in a small-ish town in Switzerland. We've lived in other small-ish towns and villages before, but I was definitely too young to remember any of that. There are memories of me feeding my older half-brother, but I am quite sure that I only know this because there's a picture of it. Right now, I'd say my earliest memory is my half-brother (who's autistic by the way) helping my brother and me out of beds we couldn't get out on our own. I know that I know this. I was probably around three or four at the time. Anyways.

My parents got divorced when I was four. Although I have lived with my mom until I moved out this July, I never really connected with her as much as other girls do. Those good mother-daughter relationships you see in movies sometimes? We didn't have that. I was always very focused on the men in my family. My dad was my hero, even though I only saw him every second weekend and on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. But he was my hero. Still is.

My brother was my role model from early childhood on. My mom always says, that I was always okay with everything that he chose to do or have. My brother wanted these pants? Me too. My brother wanted chocolate milk? Me too. Those were my most said words. "Me too."

My mom feared that I would be too dependent on his decisions and never be truly me, because I was okay with doing whatever he did. But I don't think that this is what happened. I just loved my brother. My dad wasn't always there because of the divorce, so my next go-to person was my brother, because I didn't see my mom as a role model or go-to person. We didn't connect like that.

My brother and me, we're 18 months apart. That's a wonderful age gap. It's not too close, but it's also not too far away to get along splendidly.

Of course, one of the reasons why I was always okay with doing/having what my brother did, was because I thought we were the same. As a child, I didn't really get the concept of gender or that there is a real difference between boys and girls. I just knew that some people had other parts than others, but I was like, yeah and? What does it matter?

I just knew that I always liked hanging out with boys more than I did with girls. I had this friend in kindergarten who I always stole Legos with. Then in first grade, I was seated next to a girl with the same last name as me, and we got along and I got to play at her house a lot, but in second grade I was back to being with boys. And I was friends with the same boy until probably fourth grade, then expanded my friend group - to even more boys. And they accepted me. I got to hang out with them, got to play video games with them, played with pokemon cards, played football. It wasn't until probably sixth grade that I actually got girl friends. And even then, my main friend group were still the boys. And I was kinda the "cool girl" because I got to hang out with them.

It was nothing I was striving for, but it happened nonetheless.

I remember that one of my best friends had a crush on me, and I didn't get it. I was oblivious to that. Until I cut my hair in sixth grade, and thus looked more boyish than ever before, and he lost his interest. In retrospect, I should've seen it. But it doesn't really matter anyway.

Then seventh grade came around - new teachers, new class - and I only had four of my old classmates left: two girls who I didn't spend that much time with, the guy who had had a crush on me and another guy who I had often played video games with, but more due to other people than actually him. So in short, four people I wasn't really that good friends with. So I had to find new ones.

As many of you might now, I am an insanely introverted person. Well, at least to new people. People who have known me for a long time often can't believe that I am actually very shy and introverted. But that is that.

I made friends rather quickly, though. Well, at least I think so. I got along well with pretty much everyone, but I mostly spent my time with one or two of the girls. But in the end, I didn't really bond with them that much, because I haven't talked to anyone of them in years. It didn't matter anyway, because I had to repeat 8th grade, and had new classmates anyway. And that is where I made friends, who I still see to this day and am still friends with. I'm even living with one of them! Which is great to be honest.

In the two years I was with those people, I changed a lot. I was always the tomboy, the girl dude. The bro that just so happened to be a girl, but nobody cared. But with those people, I think I finally wasn't the bro friend anymore. I was still the stereotype "cool girl" especially because I wasn't girly (I'm still not) and I didn't give two shits what people thought (still don't). But I got more girlier than before. I dressed less manly, could finally get to like tank tops, skinny jeans, and shorts that didn't cover my knees. Even jewelry! Well rings, mostly.

But I was still me; boyish, reckless, climbing-on-trees-and-falling-down self-destroy-ish.

My dad always wanted a son and a daughter. And that is what he got. I am not the typical daughter, the typical girl. But I have a lot in common with my dad, so I think he got the daughter he wanted, or he came around to accept that I would never be the girly girl. He loves me and I know that.

I know my mom loves me. And that she accepts me for who I am. But I think she always had more issues with me being the way I am, than my dad had. With me being so very boyish. We always fought when buying clothes. Oh, the memories. It was a war.

After ninth grade I went to grammar school. I only knew my friend Angie, but soon enough I got along with pretty much everyone in that class. I think I was still the "cool girl" which got me friends easily. I got along with the girls, I got along with the boys. I think I was good friends with everyone, with some exceptions obviously. I had friends in other classes as well. I wasn't typically popular, mind you, but I am friendly. People get along with me. People tell me I'm funny, trustworthy, loyal, a good friend.

I made a habit of getting along with teachers, too. Mostly teachers I didn't have class with, but still. The class teacher of the one's we had PE with, was one of those teachers. After the first half year, I decided that he was going to be my victim, and so after the skiing camp he became exactly that. I mocked him constantly. After a fantastic incident - I shouted across the school yard that I thought his pink shirt was extremely manly - he asked one of his students who was my friend, if I meant harm or if I was always like that. She told him that this was just who I was, and from that moment on he returned my "bullying". We had a great time. I tried to sell him shoes, he was my go-to person for pain killers, he mocked my headaches, he told me with the biggest smile to "shut the fuck up". We had a great time. I always have one or two teachers like that at every school I go to. My English and German teacher was the other victim. He was a great teacher, and I think he appreciated me as a student. I met him yesterday and he was very pleased to hear that I was going to study English. We had bitch fights in the middle of class. While everyone looked at me like I had death wishes, we had the greatest fun mocking each other. It was great.

I am no teachers pet. I just feel like you need at least one teacher you actually like and have a good relationship with, or else you won't make it through school without constant mental breakdowns.

Anyways. I am rabbit trailing (I would like to personally thank Zachary Levi for adding this word to my vocabulary).

As some of you might know, I am a Christian. Not the "it says on my papers that I am a Christian, so I am one" but actually an active Christian. I go to church. I pray. I believe. I wouldn't call myself religious. I am a person of faith. There's a difference.

Anyways. When I was in second grade, my mom got a job where she had to work shifts. So we got someone where we could go eat, and spend our free afternoons at. They are great people and I'm still friends with them. Their two children are basically my little siblings and I consider their daughter one of my best friends.

These people, this couple, were Christians, and they went to church in our town. I don't know exactly when my mom converted, but I know that we started going to that church, and I made friends for life. When I was twelve or thirteen, there was a baptism service coming up and I told my mom that I wanted that, too.

Usually, it is waaaaay to early to get baptised at twelve or thirteen. Mostly, teens are "allowed" to do so when they're sixteen or eighteen or whatever. But I felt like this was the right thing to do, so I did. And they let me.

Over the course of my life as a person of faith, I have always searched for role models. Someone I could look up to in that aspect of my life. I found a few. The dad of the two girls I live with at the moment was one of them. He was the pastor of our church, is a missionary in Central Africa now. Then there were various people from our church who I looked up to because they just have so much faith and trust. And in 2012 someone new made his way into my line of sight and is now not only a role model as a person of faith, but for life in general. In 2012, through the movie Avengers and through Tom Hiddleston, I discovered Zachary Levi. Who is not only a brother in Christ, but an all around good person in general and just the sweetest guy I have ever had the good fortune of meeting.

Through various interviews and NerdHQ panels, Zac has over and over again inspired me in so many ways. He inspires me to be more kind, to be more gentle, to be more passionate. He inspires me to trust God, to bring important decisions before God. He inspires me so much. Every time NerdHQ comes around again, or every time I just watch panels throughout the year, I get giddy and I'm full of energy to live my dreams, go out and change the world, be the best version of myself.

This year I have had the wonderful opportunity to finally attend NerdHQ and meet Zac for the first time. And he did not disappoint. He was everything I wished him to be. Even better. He gave me something so precious that I feel like this will fuel me for a very long time. With a simple sentence he changed my life more than he already has before. And I am eternally grateful for that.

"What's your story?" Well, my story is still in the first chapters. There's a lot more to come. I've been through things that I wish I hadn't. I lost people very dear to me. I'm still trying to find out some things about me. But there's one thing I know. God will help me write my story. He will be there every step of the way. God will put people in my life that help me figure out who I am, what to do, and where to go. He put Zac and NerdHQ in my life for a reason. And there's no way I am letting that go. Ever.

I told my mom yesterday that I plan to never miss NerdHQ ever again, if I can anyhow avoid it. She said, "that's big talk." But I'm not kidding. I will do everything in my power to never miss the awesomeness that is NerdHQ ever again. Those are four days of granted happiness. Why should I ever wanna miss that again? There are likeminded, amazing people who I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else. They don't live in Switzerland. They live all over America.

My story is about a girl who loves stories. And storytellers. I would love to be one, too. I get inspired every other day by stories I read or hear or see, and I would like to give back. Tell stories to inspire future generations, the way people like Zac have inspired me.

My story is about finding purpose in inspiring others. My story is about being passionate, "loving too much", knowing a shit ton of "fun facts" about movies and books and people I've never met in my life. My story is about me. Your average neighbourhood nerd. The kid next door. The introverted kid who doesn't seem introverted at all, once you get to know them.

So, that is me. What's your story?

[yoshimickster]

Rwby Volume 7 Episode 1 “The Greatest Kingdom”-MICKSTERECAP

Wiggity what, what’s that, its the Micksterecap, wiggity what, what’s that, ITS THE MICKSTERECAP!

HEY everybody,  how y’all been? I’ve been good, working a lot, the usual. For anyone who doesn’t know,all Micksterecaps will be aired a WEEK after they air on Rooster Teeth and Vrv to avoid spoilers, and so I don’t have to tag as spoiler as HEY HEY I don’t get as many notes logically. With that-CLICK THAT READ MORE BUTTON AND LET’S LOOK AT SOME SHIPS!

HELL YEAH-aircrafts!

0:41 We then see the first shot of Team RWBYQOMJNR looking ALL sorts of terse about flying into the the occupied as ALL HELL kingdom of Atlas.

Weiss: I’ve never seen our forces deployed so aggressively before.

Ruby: What about at the Vytal festival? Bunch of ships there.

Weiss: Trust me, that was SLIGHTLY less aggressive than how aggressively they’re deployed here, its like coke and pepsi, a SLIGHT differentiation. 

The crew then decide to go seek out Winter(the only Schnee besides Weiss still worth a damn) and then get distance from the fleet and THEN WE SEE-

1:31 -one HELL of a cityscape, man I’d love to Batman that shit in a video game, just grapplin’ around like a fool, it’d be SWEET. We ALSO see-

1:54 -JAMES VIA BROADCAST-in all his bearded glory, a beard that I REALLY  hope he doesn’t shave off dramatically to signify that he’s getting better or some shit because DAMMIT-beards are not a symbol of depression their just awesome facial hair! You know what movie I’m talking about.

The crew then get told by the radio-lady that they gotta dock their ship, but its okay because Weiss says her sister will TOTALLY let them sneak in-

2:57 Winter: -failure to cooperate with Atlas military personnel is a punishable offense. 

Aw man, I wanted to see Winter and have her conspire to murder her and Weiss’s terrible dad. *SIGH* Maybe next episode.

Maria then decides to take them to a totally not important person with relevance to previous characters, docking their ship, and then meeting some of the local flavor of Mantle including:

3:57 Loose exposition about the current political state that wasn’t lazily explained by a main cast member(for ONCE)-

Antles Joe, preparing to play his Banjo-

-random graffiti that the show focuses on for NO foreshadowing reason, none at all so stop talking about it-

-A camera drone whose JUST two weeks from retirement.

Yang: GAH-my visage, it has been stolen!

Yang: YEET!

*SMASH*

Yang: OOH. Maybe we should pick up the pace?

Ruby: Maybe YOU shouldn’t kick surveillance drones!

Weiss: For real, that shit gets uploaded to the cloud IMMEDIATELY.

Yang: I DON’T LIKE SUPRISE PHOTOS OKAY?!

The group then continues their leasurely stroll and see NOTHING that bums them out about the city they’re i-

-ooooooooooh right, exploited Faunus workers...’dat not good.

After Blake makes a light comment about the crappyness of the city, they are THEN verbally acosted by-

-DRUNK GORDON FREEMAN! Man, the wait for the final Half-Life game is messing him up to huh?

Seriously, TELL ME this dude don’t look like Gordon’s shitburg little brother, its un-CANNY!

Blake being the nice young lady she is apologizes for insulting his hometown, and then Drunk Gordon fucks up in the worst way possible.

*PTOOIE*

Anytime a character spits after someone talks, you KNOW their gonna start shit.

Gordon: Shtupid faunus like you, wouldn’t understand-

It was at this point Drunk Gordon realized, he fucked up.

Weiss: Ain’t NOBODY shit-talk my girlfriend’s girlfriend.

After giving a drunk racist what for, the group then go to-

6:00 THE HEALING STATION-to replenish the HP and MP! I just hope it works Toad House rules where you don’t gotta pay, at least until the NEXT game where you pay for replenishing, which I GUESS was okay given you can earn more coins but BLEH.

Its here where we meet-

-PIETRO-absentminded genius of Atlas, and adjuster of Maria’s cybereyes and that is all he is, stop asking if he’s related to someone important SO THERE!

Pietro then gives them the straight shit telling them that after the fall of Beacon, James got SUPER paranoid given that whoever hacked Atlas’s codes was either a genius...or one of their own. And I just can’t even IMAGINE who it could be-Watts, its gonna be Dr.Watts, the trailer pretty much proved it.

Its at this point, where Pietro FINALLY realizes that he’s talking to Team RWBY, and given his absentmindedness he’s the ONLY  person I’ll allow for not recognizing said celebrities right away. And when Yang tries asking  him about Mantle he goes all-

Pietro:...you PAINTED it...and added bad ass scratch marks!

Yang: Well the scratch marks were an accident, but I’m not sure why you’d care abou-HOOBAZAWAH?!

The team is surprised he knows them(for some reason despite celebrity status) due to his daughter telling him about them, said daughter baring...NO meaning...to...the plot(KEEP IT TOGETHER MICK). Right before Rubalubes asks about his daughter-RANDOM GRIMM ENCOUNTER TIME-to which EVERYONE is fully armed fo-

10:07 Blake: DAMMIT-my blade is still symbolically broken, guess its bullets only.

And then Team RWBYQOMJNR just kics EVERY Grimm’s ass, Ren goes that way, Ruby goes the other, just a BILLION awesome attacks I’m not even gonna BOTHER clipping because this is just a still recap blog post and their all really fast and the next episode is 20 minutes after I’m finishing this so don’t call me lazy.

HOWEVER-I will show ONE awesome clip, LASER TIME BABY!

11:45 NICE cuh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeean cut!

Then lasers here, lasers there, LASERS EVERYWHERE! WHO-is the bad ass laser lady? Like I EVEN need to FUCKING say it!

12:15 Ruby:...Penny?!

Jaune: Oh so YOUR almost-girlfriend gets to come back to life, that’s fair.

SHE’S ALIVE MOTHER FUCKERS! Brought back to life by sacrificing a Maximal protoform, ALSO giving her flight capabilities! And yes I’m comparing Penny to Optimus and you can’t stop me.

And the next scene is JUST adorable.

Penny: Sal-

Ruby:...huh?

Penny: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Ruby:(...OH SHIT-)

Penny: -TATIONS!

*PFFT* Paused at the RIGHT moment yo!

Ruby: AAAAAAAAAAAAH-INCOMING GIRLFRIEND!

Ruby: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Precious.

13:04 Pietro(who is also her dad if you weren’t paying attention) than reveals that after the fall of Beacon, they were able to recover her Spark Chamber, I MEAN Core from the arena and fixed her RIGHT up! Even gave her flight abilities that look NOTHING like in the manga, but that’s loose canon at best so whatevs.

After Penny flies off to fight the rest of the Grimm, Nora then channels the ENTIRE Rwby fandom in one sentence:

13:46 Nora: I can’t tell if I completely understand what is going on, or have like a MILLION questions!

After that craziness, the team then follows Professor Polendina to his house where nothing else bad happe-

SHIT-anime streaks, BRACE FOR IMPACT!

14:15

DAMN-critical Dexterity fail all around.

Close it out with the team being arrested for saving the day because television, and that’s EP ONE yo! Really fun, glad Penny’s back, and can’t wait to see Ironwood either apologize or shittalk the team for doing their jobs because as said, TELEVISION! EITHER WEITHER-see you next week on MICKSTERECAP!

[rubyastari]

5 Benefits of Having Serious Friends

“Why serious?”

Yeah, why so serious? The world is already full of depressing stuff. Life is hard. We all need to lighten up once in a while. Jokes are desperately needed.

Look, I completely agree with the idea, okay? We all need something to laugh about. Although I’m not a comedian (and nor will I ever be), so do I.

However, there’s a time and place for everything. I know, it’s tricky. We can’t make everybody like us when they just don’t. When you hold on to that, you can try your best not to take everything way too personally.

Sometimes, what seems to be your harmless, loosely-thrown jokes just sound off to other people. Other times it’s the bad timing. Some other times, it’s just the wrong audience you’re somehow trying to entertain. Tough crowd? Heck, yeah.

In short, you feel bummed out because either your jokes get misunderstood, underappreciated or not at all, or all of the above. Social media is the place for almost everything, more often with zero censorship from the users. You can post anything you like, just like people can respond in any way they like to your posts. You can’t control how they (should) behave.

However, it’s rather unfair to simply slam the oh-so-serious people for being the only dementors in this matter (well, at least according to you). We can’t help it if you find us boring as hell, no fun, or just plain killjoys. That’s your personal opinion on us. We can accept it as it is.

To assume that serious people like us only have a few friends is okay, especially as we grow older. You know, the small circle theory and all. Surely you have the same issues too. To assume that we have a hard time making (and keeping) friends is not always true.

Unfortunately, to wish bad things on us – like having less and fewer friends, or even lose friends at all – just to make us feel guilty for being serious is un-called for. You may mean well and claim you only want to remind us to take it easy, what you do feels more like a threat to us.

Plus, you sound arrogant, as if your kind is the only to make more friends easily and that all people who laugh at your jokes are genuinely amused. Still, we hope that you are really surrounded by your friends, though.

Before you harshly judge us as the constant rain in your parade, here are five (5) benefits of having serious friends:

1.    We’re honest and not into mind games.

We say what we mean and we mean what we say. Some people may find us rude, because we tend to be more direct. We don’t beat around the bush like some people do.

The benefits? We’re more efficient. We don’t (like to) waste your time. You don’t have to keep guessing us. We’re plain and simple. Well, even if we’re kindly asked to ‘tone down’ a little in the name of social courtesy, we’re not going to completely change how we are or pretend that we can be funny too.

2.    When we laugh at your jokes, that means (we think) you’re really funny.

Just because we’re mostly serious, this doesn’t mean we have zero sense of humour – or that we never laugh at anything funny. When we laugh at your jokes, no matter how rare you think we do, then that means you’re really funny to us. No lies.

Yes, we’re the tough crowd that you actually still need, whether you like it or not. Sometimes it’s just our good moods. Other times, it can be both. Either way, we’ll let you know. We don’t play mind games, remember? We’re too serious and straightforward for that.

3.    Sometimes, we actually (manage to) prove that you’re also insecure and sensitive – without trying to.

Before you accuse us of being overly sensitive over your jokes, look in the mirror. Are you sure you’re not the same? Perhaps you don’t think much before you start with the jokes. If the answer is no, then perhaps you’re tad insensitive to what other people may need.

The funny thing is, you’re still sensitive enough, because you’re unhappy with other people’s responses to your jokes. Out of your expectations, eh? Well, guess what? It’s also unfair to expect people to read your minds and immediately understand what you want. Just accept that you’ve got the wrong audience, if all you ever want is just positive feedbacks.

4.    We may be strict and rather uptight, but we’re not people’s pleasers.

So you think we’re a lost cause to fun and games. That’s fine. No problem at all. The only problem is how we’re expected to please people by pretending. What does this make us if this is what you always expect on us?

If you can’t accept us for us, you don’t have to stay. Really, we never force you to. You can always walk away. We’re not going to apologise for being serious. We’re just sorry that you think we’re not good enough to be liked or accepted – or that people like us are impossible to have any friends at all.

5.    We’re stark reminders that not everything in life is (and can be treated as) a joke.

Let’s just face it; sometimes you also get too carried away with your jokes. What may sound brilliantly funny in your head may be different once it is out in the open. It depends a lot on different factors.

For example: you play a practical joke on people and post the video of them online, so that netizens can laugh at it and have a good time. Or you call them ‘inappropriate names’ just to embarrass them in public. Well, how would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you feel okay with being humiliated like that too?

 “B-bu-but I’m just joking...”

Okay...if you say so. Well, even if your jokes seem harmless, please be considerate with the timing, the content, and the people you’re trying to entertain. Don’t expect them to read your mind and automatically understand, because it isn’t fair.

The thing is, nobody forces you to stay friends with people you don’t even like. You can always walk away, instead of trying to scare them about how their attitude will win them no friends at all. Maybe, you’re the only one who have problems with them.

Besides, what makes you think you’re so perfect anyway?

 R.

[awkwardedgygirl]

Voices

HAPPY VELENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!! Ok so last year for v day I wrote a miraculous ladybug fic but this year I love Voltron. It is cute and I love it. They here each other’s thoughts and I wanted Keith to be the excited one. anyway there is cussing and some self esteem issues so be careful. Enjoy!

Keith always liked the idea of soulmates. He has never had anything constant in his life but always found comfort in knowing that there was someone out there he was destined to be with.  He knew that he would not meet his soulmate until the universe decided that they were ready and he didn’t know how exactly they would connect. But nevertheless on the night of his eighteenth birthday he tossed and turned all night waiting for something to happen, but nothing ever did. This taught him that his soulmate was younger then he was but he did not lose hope. Then one night, July 28th to be exact, it happened.

He was sleeping peacefully when all the sudden he was woken up by singing. Not just any singing but someone singing happy birthday. Keith sits up and looks around his room but nobody is there. He then realises it is in his head. Why was happy birthday playing in his head at midnight?

Wait.

Is this his soulmate singing? Is this his connection? Songs?

Keith quickly tries to think of a song, but he can’t think of one. The singing in his head has ended and he feels the presences leave. He missed his chance, he missed his chance at meeting his soulmate and he doesn’t know what to do. He gets out of bed and paces around his small studio apartment freaking out about his missed chance. After a good hour of pacing he sits on the couch and ends up falling asleep in the most uncomfortable of positions.

He wakes up to his phone blaring from the other side of the wall and gets up to shut it off. He remembers the night before and decides he needs to go to the gym to clear his head. He puts on his workout clothes and gets on his motorcycle and heads over there.

Once there he gets on the treadmill and puts in his headphones Welcome to the Black Parade begins to play.

When I was a young boy.

Huh, Keith thinks, that is a new voice.

To see a marching band,

“He’s back!” Keith says out loud scaring the guy next to him.

“Ugh I wish” the voice in his head says.

It is a man’s voice! His soulmate is a guy! He was really hoping it was.

“Umm hello?” Keith thinks.

Silence.

Then a very faint, “Hello.”

Keith smiles, “Oh my god yes you can hear me!”

“Well duh you are in my head.”

Keith laughs, “No I am not in your head, well I mean I guess I am but I am real too!”

“And why should I believe that? How do I know I am not just going crazy?” The voice sounded skeptical.

“No I am real,” Keith promised, “I am at the gym right know and I was listening to Welcome to the Black Parade which is why you were singing it. I heard you sing happy birthday to yourself last night. Happy birthday by the way”

“Thanks.” The voice mumbles.

“I promise you I am real.” Keith pleads.

He feels a sigh in head, “Ok so what is this then?”

Keith’s heart beats faster, “I think this is our soulmate connection.”

After what felt like a century for Keith he hears a very faint, “You don’t want me.”

Keith panics, “No I do I promise.”

“No guy trust me if you met me you would not want me. I’m sorry you got such a shit soulmate. I have to go now. Good bye.”

“No wait!” Keith says out loud adding to the strange looks he was already getting. But he does not care. The voice in his head is gone and he is not sure if he will ever hear it again.

The rest of Keith’s day is a blur. He can’t tell you what he did or what he saw he spent the whole day in his head hoping to hear that voice again. But he never did. It stayed silent. It was a week until he heard another song. It was very faint and in a language he did not recognize, but it was beautiful. He laid in bed listening to a beautiful voice speaking what he now realises is Spanish. The song ends and he knows he has to say something,

“That was beautiful.” He thinks.

“..Thanks.”

Keith wants to keep the conversation going, “So do you speak Spanish?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.” Keith wants to say more but does not want to scare him away again.

Eventually the voice talks, “My family is from Cuba, we came to America when I was young.”

Keith’s heart feels warm, “Wow that is really cool do you like living here?”

Keith feels the shrug, “Yeah it’s alright I miss the beach though.”

“You don’t live near a beach? Keith asks.

“Ha.” The voice says, “Not even close.”

“Oh,” Keith says, “sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“I live in the desert.” Keith says hoping to keep the conversation going.

“Cool.”

Pause.

“Do.. Do you like it?”

Keith shrugs, “Yeah I moved around a lot and the desert is definitely my favorite place.”

“Cool cool.”

“Yeah.”

“Well umm I should get to bed but it was great talking to you?”

Keith smiles, “Yeah you too.”

Keith gets to talk to the voice at least once a week now. He is able to ask him a few questions without scaring him off. Like his favorite color and hobby and simple things like that. He can’t ask anything to big or he might leave again.

It is a month later when at three in the morning he is woken up by the voice.

“You are a failure.”

“No one likes you.”

“You disappoint everybody.”

“He does not want you.”

Those same thoughts fly around his head over and over. Keith jumps out of bed, “Wait what is happening?” Keith thinks.

But the voice only continue getting louder and louder until Keith is on his floor crying.

“He does not want you.”

“No!” Keith says out loud, “That is not true. None of this is true. Don’t listen to it please.”

The voices stop.

“Did I wake you? Oh god I am so sorry I didn't mean to wake you.”

Keith takes a deep breath, “No it is ok don’t worry.”

“No it is three in the morning and I woke you up I am so sorry.”

“Hey.” Keith says out loud, “Don’t worry about me tell me what is wrong.”

“I just have these thoughts sometimes but don’t worry.”

“You are my soulmate of course I will worry.”

“I already told you. You don’t want me.”

“Well that is for me to decided isn’t it?”

No response.

“Look,” Keith sighs, “my life has not always been easy and it seems like yours hasn’t been either. I always found comfort in knowing I had a soulmate and I want you to feel that comfort too. I don’t care if you just want to be platonic soulmates or you never want to meet. Just know that I will always be here for you.”

“Ok.”

Keith sighs in relief, “Are you ok now? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No I am ok, Go back to sleep. Thank you.”

Keith smiles, “Anytime.”

The next morning Keith is woken up by Hollaback Girl playing in his head.

Keith groans, “Really?”

The singing stops, “Sorry.”

Keith groans again, “No it is fine,” Keith yawns, “Go on.”

Keith hears an exasperated sigh, “Well I can’t now.”

“Why not I hear you sing all the time.”

“Yeah but this is different I am.. Showering.”

“So?”

“So? SO?” Excuse you sir but I am naked.”

“Ummm I can’t see you?” Keith is confused.

“Yeah but I can hear you and it is weird.”

“Ok? Well what do you want me to do about it? You were the one singing?”

“Ugh just listen to something else!”

“Ok ok!” Keith gets up and grabs his headphones and Fall Out Boy begins playing.

“Better?”

“Yes thank you.”

After five minutes he speaks again, “Did you mean it?”

“Yes.” Keith responds.

“Okay ummm cool.”

Keith chuckles, “Yeah.”

Keith feels a deep breath, “My name is Lance by the way.”

Keith’s heart beats faster but he tries to at least sound cool, “Mine is Keith.”

“Huh. I like that name.”

“I like yours too.”

“I have to go but I will talk you later Keith?”

Keith smiles, “Yeah bye Lance.”

Keith and Lance continue to talk for months. They learn everything about each other. Lance learns about Keith’s parents and Keith learns about Lance’s self esteem issues.

It is one night in January around eleven that Lance speaks, “Hey Keith? You awake?”

Keith puts down the phone he was scrolling through, “Yeah?”

“Would you ummm,” a pause, “would you want to video chat?”

Keith jumps up out of bed, “Holy shit yes!”

Keith hears laughter in his head, “Okay cool me too.”

Each one gets their computers and add each other on skype. Keith hits the button to call Lance and his heart is beating out of his chest. Lance picks up and Keith sees Lance for the first time.”

“He’s beautiful.” Keith thinks.

Lance laughs, it is a beautiful laugh, “Well thank you, you are not so bad looking yourself.”

Keith’s face reddens, “Oh god you heard that?”

“Fraid so.”

“Ughh” Keith groans, “this is going great for me.”

Lance smiles, “I agree.”

“So not to be the one to like kick a gift horse in the mouth or whatever but why did you decide to video chat?” Keith asks.

“Honestly?” Lance thinks, “I wanted to know if you were as hot as your voice sounded.”

Keith raises an eyebrow, “And? Final verdict?”

Lance places his fingers on his chin rubbing an imaginary beard, “So far all signs point to yes.”

Keith laughs, “I appreciate that.”

Keith and Lance video chat every night after that for the next month. Most nights they even fall asleep with it still on and Keith gets to wake up to see a sleeping Lance and it fills his heart with joy.

But he does not wish for more, yeah he would like more one day but he will never pressure Lance to do anything he does not feel ready for.

It is a normal Thursday when Keith wakes up to his skype call being disconnected. He is kinda bummed about it but he thinks to Lance to have a good day. He goes to the gym and work and has a really good day. As he is walking home he begins noticing all the flowers. He pulls pulls his phone to check the date and groans.

How could I forget Valentine’s Day?

“I didn’t.”

And that is all Keith hears. He decides the best course of action is to rush home and do some online shopping for something for Lance. He is moving so quickly he almost doesn't notice that his front door is open

Keith walks in slowly ready for whatever might happen. What he does not expected though is someone sitting on his couch playing video games and he looks to have about three pizza boxes along with some smaller boxes.

“Umm,” Keith looks around, “Can I help you?”

The game pause and the mystery man stands up to reveil,

“Lance!” Keith runs and engulfs him in a hug and Lance hugs back.”

“Oh my god what are you here?”

Can’t breathe,” Lance says

“Oh sorry,” Keith let go and put him back on the ground, “What are you doing here? How did you get here and better yet how did you get into my house?

“Oh umm” Lance scratches the back of is head, “I want to surprise you and I have this friend who is really good at finding out information and umm I broke in”

Keith laughs, “It doesn’t matter I am so happy you are here.”

Lance hugs him back, “Yeah me too.”

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 2: “I’m Trying To Lay Low” - Jake

JENNET

plan worked fabulously purrrrrrrrr

(a little later)

maybe its me being paranoid but why are jake,jones, and lindsay always the last three to leave calls............ when i have a f2 with all of em....

JESSICA

Song of the day is ELVIS by AOA. My favourite workout bop. Silver got voted out! So sad, I wanted to play with him. But also, kinda cool! This is the only game I have played where I truly didn't know anyone (except my very first ORG). What an experience. I know last confessional I said Sam and Shane were both kinda on the fence for me in terms of if I wanted to maybe work with them or not. An update: I think I want to work with both! Both of them, unprompted, told me they wanted to work with me if we lost immunity, and I have actually been getting along well with both of them I feel now that our conversations are moving past the sort of awkward beginning stages. I still like Sammy even though I probably should talk to him more oops... and Daisy/Lovelis/Ethan are also still in my good books. I kind of keep forgetting Pete and Cloud are on this tribe but when I remember, I am happy they are here. That being said, I think Cloud or Madison will be the first to go if we lose. Cloud is very inactive. Madison is too but she was at least on the call tonight. It might come down to how immunity goes. I want to participate because it will bond us as a team. That way even if we lose, I was a part of the team effort and won't stand out as someone who people don't know or want to work with. Also while I personally want Cloud or Madison out as I know them the least, I am not going to push it. I'll let somebody else throw out a name and as long as that name isn't Jessica then I will consider it. I sort of chilled today with the social game and only messaged people as they messaged me. The vibe of this team is very relaxed from what I can tell and I didn't want to overdo it with conversations and come across as too much. Tomorrow, my goal is to talk to every single person for at least 1 (one) whole real conversation. I might have to start using my good ol' tactic of sending people random youtube links and saying "what do you think of this" to get something going.... Honestly nothing starts a conversation like David Hasselhoff and his cinematic masterpieces that we call music videos. I hope the other tribe is full of problems so that when we eventually swap, I have a very easy time in this game.

LINDSAY

no recording tonight because i have a headache:( anyways i'm apparently not in as good of a position in the tribe as I was hoping. got left out of a six person group chat bc I was associated w Silver and people were nervous abt this vote w me. Jake luckily looped me in but I'm kind of bummed out people didn't trust me enough to let me in on this. I know it's probably just cuz Silver and I had been getting along alright the past two days but that means I'm in kind of a yucky position in the tribe that is starting to gear me up to a S6 type deal from survivor umich and I'm not fuckin' vibin. I'm gonna try to reach out (Nash appears to be ignoring me currently tho so lol) and try to fix that. I still want to work tight w Jones and Jake but I don't want them to be my only options. I need some more connections than that. ALSO WHEN SILVER DID THE THING MY HEART STOPPED LOL SO THAT MIGHT BE WHY IM BEING IGNORED also "you kept laughing at silver's jokes" was a comment someone leveled at me today and i couldn't find a good way to level and say i laugh at everything because that's how my brain is trained to react to everything. monkey brain cannot comprehend emotions so i laugh everything off. anyways i guess this is my clue i've got to step up. i mean, it's fine if i'm under the radar some because it's not merge yet so like it's fine, but i'm... worried. if nothing else we're even tho bc the galaghers got revealed as well as the six person alliance so we're all even here. bottom line is, i'm winning this fucking scavenger hunt this shit aint happening next week

JAKE

https://youtu.be/amXasrOidh0

y'all I'm still shaking from tonight tbh....

PENNINO

https://youtu.be/_26B1wn1pDw

JONES

https://youtu.be/7FngYQfYMB0

PETE

Nobody will want to vote me out if I have kittens and share pictures of them muahahahahahahahahahaha

JESSICA

Oh no, we lost! I hope that Shane and Daisy want to be a final 3 because that is what I am envisioning in my hopes, dreams, and mood board.

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mNEOfPVwOp-ltGoNTdEq59su-9Vl_Adm/view?usp=drivesdk

ETHAN

AHH TRIBAL IS SCARY MORE TO COME SOON BUT EVERYONE IS SO QUIET AND I DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM THE TARGET BUT IF I AM I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY IT IS JUST WEIRDLY QUIET AND MY PARANOIA IS EATING ME ALIVEEE

DAISY

https://youtu.be/tBDHsLvF8W8

NICOLE

WE ARE IMMUNE!!! I’m so excited to have flipped the vote on Silver AND got us immunity but, I’m gonna have to be more careful if I’m gonna go far in this game. I know I can be strategic, I can be a comp threat but I really have to work on making myself a little dimmer in the social department. If we swap or merge obviously down the line, I feel like I’m gonna have a LOT of different potential paths to the end but, it won’t matter if they all realize that. So I really really have to be careful here. I am playing this game with a level head so far and really trying to make my rounds daily to talk to people. I am close with Jake, close with Jones and close with Nash. I am working on forming better bonds with Jabari, Lindsay and Jennet right now and honestly to me, Pennino is a non factor as well as Mikey but I am obviously going to try to maintain being on their good side. So that’s all I got for this round it’s been pretty tame except for Jennet immediately leaking our alliance by accident. At this point I really don’t think it matters.

MADISON

Okay so our tribe is not superhuman and we finally lost a challenge so we will be attending tribal tonight. Nobody is really saying much in terms of what will happen which is extremely worrisome, however, I did hear Sam on call very subtly throw Cloud out there and I'm kinda hoping that Jessica and Shane heard that too and will kind of run with it. Daisy wants both of us to be safe and I feel the same way so I'm hoping that's what will happen. In other news!!! I have officially begun the idol hunt one round too late but perhaps that works out better because if something is found, I'll know it. So because of the way things were worded during the hunt, the idol has either been found already or whoever wrote this system wanted to through a red herring in there to trick us. I'm going with the latter because I feel like Jarod would do that. That's all from this neck of the woods for now, hopefully will be writing another one of these bad bois next round :*

SAM

https://youtu.be/liGOEuFKiFo

JENNET

I WILL die for jones btw...

(a little later)

Survived the immunity challenge... at what cost

(after falling asleep on the beach)

The way we accidentally won that comp is literally a joke.... period i guess?

PETE

so we lost cus we’re the beauty tribe not the brains tribe fuck math dude anyways, it’s been hella fuckin quiet like not a lot of people are on and aren’t really talking. Up until about, 4 hours before tribal Sam comes to me and says the vote is gonna be Cloud and i’m like what who why. All he said is “that’s what he’s heard” honestly i think it’s just his own idea but whatever. I don’t know Cloud at all so it’s fine with me. Sam, myself, Jessica, and Shane apparently are all agreed to vote Cloud and with Ethan’s vote that’ll be 5.

CLOUD

i have nithing to say other than i might just be the stupidest person on the planet. absolutley nothing is happening in my head ever. if i stay its pure luck HSKSHSNSKBSKS

NASH

smiles at immunity... this is cute it feels good to not be in danger for once! i’m honestly still worried my tribe might want to cut me at next tribal but at least tonight can be chill! i hope kiki is first brookeisa boot xoxo

SAMMY

honestly there is no tea, daisy found an idol and gambles her vote but she lost her vote early so no worries w that! I love her so much and i hope she doesn’t snake me...but daisy if ur reading this, in this moment i love dont snake me mwah!! I love Jess and I love Cloud but everyone’s telling me Cloud is the vote but I’m so sad because I had such a good time with them and they are one of the few funny ones in the game!! Anyways not much is happening we lost the challenge cause we are just bad at math...blinks...I don’t think I’m in any danger and this vote should be unanimous. I was also told someone said I was one of the few active people so that’s a check in my book!

JAKE

https://youtu.be/HmtSAjyQoJI

I'm trying to lay low so if I'm not very present on Discord the next day or so that's why hehe

PETE

so ethan is down for voting Cloud, sammy too. Cool great awesome hot. i’m just sitting here vibing and suddenly Sammy tells me that my (and Madison’s) name came up for a second. He said it went away and it’s Cloud for the vote but like jskdhd why do i aaalways get targeted bitch i’m literally just sitting here whYY can’t i relax for once?! Frfr every survivor game it’s always this person or me. I’m always the other option and i just don’t get why lmao

LOVELIS

This tribes been kinda dead until like an hour ago plss, a new alliance of 5 has been organised and somehow me and Shane managed to make it seem like it was Jessica’s idea? Don’t really know how that happened in all honesty but a vibe. Then Daisy also leaked that she’s in another alliance who’s actively idol hunting so that was a lovely bit of beef that I love to see - my guess is she’s in a duo chat with Jess and they’ve tried to get this group formed with people who they think are unconnected, unbeknownst to them that me and Shane have a final two deal and I kinda have one with Sammy as well that happened on day one but it’s not really developed as of yet, he’s not really tried to talk game with me as of yet, but all in due time I suppose there’s plenty of time for more shenanigans 😂

MIKEY

HONESTLY Chile. Not much tea going around since this round we won. Im very proud of Nicole as she literally carried us and I pray she'll do it again dhbhsfg. Ive started getting really close with Jones and she's so fun to talk to, im hoping me her and nash can form a little trio and work together but who knows. Jennet STILL hasn't replied back after like a week so idk what's up w them LMAO

JABARI

So our tribe loved it when we blindsided silver, it puts me in a much better position than before. Now I have to talk more to people and take time to realize what's gonna happen. As of right now I have 2 alliances. The big majority one and the one where its just me and Jake and Jennet.

JENNET

exactly.... 

https://open.spotify.com/album/0pWu9s2gPdVgqHpMR2LDEx?si=uOqh6Ar9RiqNLUfaBZEkvw

TRIBAL COUNCIL

[kaorei-endgame]

Game of the Year 2017 #2: Divinity Original Sin 2

The first Original Sin had one of those video game “issues” that’s only really an issue if you let it be. About six hours in, you’d figured out there were about a thousand ways to crowd controlling your enemies: stuns, knockdowns, charms, fears. With the availability, and reliability, of these attacks, battles often broke down to your mages/archers CCing everything on the battlefield while your warrior dismantled them one by one. This felt exceptionally mean--sadism in video game form--and somewhat abusive of the game mechanics, but combat was so often weighed so directly against you that “cheating” by charming half an enemy squad and letting them rough each other up, or depleting half a gigantic orc boss’s health before combat even starts by teleporting a poison barrel directly onto his face, was really more about evening the odds. Original Sin is one of those games, like Final Fantasy Tactics, maybe, where there’s a billion ways to break it. Unlike Final Fantasy Tactics, you don’t feel bad about it because, from behind a still-growing pile of saves and reloads, you know the game is happy to return your cheesy, scummy tactics in kind.

This is a co-op RPG I’ve been playing with Graz for 120+ hours, according to steam, and we still haven’t finished. It is, among Dark Souls, and Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes (Fast Karate GOTY, 2015), and Resident Evil 5, one of the best co-op experiences of my life.

You can play a skeleton, who has to walk around in disguise to stop everyone from murdering them, and has no need for lock picks because they can simply use, and I quote, their “bony fingers.” The elves are not only cannibals, but they’re cannibals that absorb the memories of their meals, which is sometimes used to learn new skills and sometimes used to solve murder mysteries. Maybe forty hours into the game, I realized this “being forced to experience a living creature’s final moments every time you eat meat” was probably created as an explanation of generic fantasy elves’ earth-mother veganism.

Near the beginning of the game a black cat starts following you around. If you have the Pet Pal talent you can talk to him and he just seems like... drunk? He doesn’t really have anything to say, but he doesn’t go away. If you walk through poison he’ll follow you and get poisoned too and he only has like 50 health so you’re always frantically trying to heal him because the friendly cat who does nothing except meow at me can never die. If you keep him alive throughout the whole opening zone, which also involves keeping him away from fires and superstitious guards who will shoot him on sight, his head clears and he joins your party as a summon.

Also the whole time he’s following you around, there’s this dog who won’t talk to you since he hates cats. But the cat follows you in real time, so if you go to a distant part of the zone and then teleport back to the central hub, the cat is briefly separated from you while it paths around the map to your location, and you can get the dog’s quest to find his missing girlfriend.

There is borderline erotica at one point where, if it’s not explicitly described, the game at least puts the mind worm of “lizard man cunnilingus” in your head. And like... well...............

Also there’s another dog later who’s like an evil pet of an eviler grave robber and he refers to himself as Artax: Death Incarnate or something and after you kill him you can use your recently acquired Spirit Vision power to talk to/throw shade at his ghost, being like “...death incarnate, eh...? :) :) :) :) :)” But it’s kind of wasted because even as a ghost (dog (way of the samurai)) he still thinks he’s pretty hot shit.

There are premade characters who have different dialogue tags, most of which seem to amount to jack shit, like almost any RPG with dialogue trees, but the one I picked, Lohse, is some sort of psychic medium who spirits would just hang out in, which was fun until a really bad demon got into her. Sometimes the really bad demon makes her do things that are completely out of her control, like try to murder an elf who’s trying to help you exorcise him, and isn’t it your favorite thing when games present you with a bunch of false dialogue options?

You start Divinity 2 a political prisoner. Unlike Skyrim, where you’re bound for the chopping block and then five minutes later someone’s telling you you’re a god, Divinity sits you on its prison island for something to the tune of 30 hours (then it tells you, more or less, that you’re a god). Because you have a collar on that restricts your scary magic powers, your overconfident jailers basically let you have the run of the place. You are hemmed in just enough to feel your yoke, and much of the early doings is learning where you may and may not go, and which places, just outside of your captor’s line of sight, are okay to seek out dirty business (i.e.: steal a few valuable paintings from). 

So you poke at all the nooks and crannies of this just-right sized zone, retrieving gloves of teleportation from the stomachs of hungry lizards, helping that dog find his girlfriend, and making painstaking progress on your escape. This is a tight, interesting area, far better than any of those in the first Original Sin, where there’s not even all that much combat. You bum around with a bunch of prisoners, some of whom certain party members have vendettas against/want to murder, but most of whom are like... chill old ladies that sell you water spells and will give you a free scroll if you give them a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, you kill the mob boss (but don’t let me see you laying a finger on Butter). If you’re a really good person, you kill all the magisters--who are basically the cops of the magic world--on the way out the door.

Boy oh boy, the jump in writing/world texture/everything from the last game. The move from “aggressively generic fairy tale stuff” to “moderately generic CRPG world” doesn’t put the writing in Witcher territory or nothing, but it’s much easier to appreciate the quirks of the setting, which holds strange sidequests where you help a bunch of thousand-year-old wizards who have been cursed to for all eternity to be both 1) pigs 2) pigs who are on fire, when you aren’t dealing voice acting that seems to be literally on purpose trying to kill you.

I’m of two minds about the changes to combat. Now characters have magical/physical “armor” that acts as a Halo-style rechargeable shield, protecting character’s vitality and also making them immune to status effects. Since most enemies have as much armor as they do health, that means they’re half dead by the time they’re vulnerable to being sleeped/charmed/whatever, and so crowd control has substantially depleted in value. Which mutes some of the “controlled chaos” feel of the first game--kind of a let down--but does tacitly nudge you into trying out the rest of the game’s broad spreadsheet of abilities, such as a teleport jump for fighters that sprays fire all over the landing zone, or a summoner’s ability to conjure an Inner Demon which both terrifies her opponents AND punches enemies that come into melee range with gigantic purple mind fists (essentially, we have been given Star Platinums of our very own).

And the uncontrolled chaos, where you laugh at the idiot NPC wasting its turn casting Rain until the next NPC sprays the area with lightning bolts and stuns half your crew, where you forget that the whole room is one big oil surface before you do your flaming teleport jump and now everyone in the room is on fire, or a giant Dune worm erupts out of the ground right in the middle of your boss fight and your enemies start attacking it instead and you’re like “.....so are we friends now?” and it’s like haha, nope, they still fuckin’ hate your guts and this battle just got even stupider and twice as long, so I hope you brought healing potions.

If anything, these changes have the unique effect of making me seriously consider playing this 100+ hour monster game that requires 100% of your attention and thought processes at all time (okay so sometimes I checked in on Fire Emblem on my phone during Graz’s turns, but that’s a given) sometime before the next decade. I suspect higher difficulties return a lot of weight to crowd control abilities.

Even though I know Baldur’s Gate has co-op, I didn’t think they could make a game like this. A gigantic, fully featured co-op CRPG where the other player doesn’t have to tolerate being a henchman at best. Where you can both run around talking to whomever you want and progressing quests however you feel like, and then come back together twenty minutes later to compare notes. Where you spend 3+ hours over two days on a single battle, reviewing plays and planning out turns like a pair of football coaches, micro-managing which of you is going to “waste” their turns conscientiously teleporting a friendly, but foolhardy, NPC out of harm’s way (or turning him into a chicken) so he’ll stop trying to impale himself on the NECRO-TENTACLE FIRE that you discovered, in this very battle, spurts out of every oily blob from the void beyond space after their death. And what’s that, four turns in the fire blobs start spawning?

Moreover, though every part of Divinity seems stupid, ramshackle, and tied together with twine, it’s often one step ahead of you. Regular attacks are governed only by cooldowns, but the most powerful spells are restricted by an MP-stand-in called “source” (still, charmingly, pronounced close enough to “sauce”). A difficult resource to replenish, we rarely used source abilities early in the game. But a couple hours after it came to a head, and I started saying “you know, I’m getting a little sick of teleporting back to the giant Source juice box in the hidden basement of this lady’s house every time I want to use Black Shroud,” and was decrying how if they replenished your Source after every fight, making it a per-battle resource, the game would be much more interesting they... give you an ability that functionally does that, and combat becomes much more interesting, on the exact right timeline for me to understand what I’ve gained with this power, having been frustrated for so long by its absence.

I gave up on trying to describe this game concisely. I’m not sure there’s a way to do so, when its whole ethos is jury-rigging systems onto systems and throwing weird events at you constantly and the whole thing chugs along like it was meant to be--damn, it never even crashed until I tried to install a mod. At the strange intersection between narrative and mechanics this game presents, if you think about it, you can almost always do it. You can skip an entire hedge maze by teleporting through its portcullises. If it’d take too long to loot a chest in plain sight of its owner, you can use your Polymorph abilities to turn invisible, pick it up, and send it to the inventory of your lockpicker, waiting outside. You can go upstairs at a bordello. When you wake up, predictably, you’re naked and being robbed. Only, oops, the robbers didn’t reckon your friends would have a magical teleportation pyramid locked onto your signal. 

In the same town, this maid crying about losing her owner’s purse robs you, and if you’re sympathetic about it and give her a hug when she asks, she picks your pocket, and the only way you’d know about it is if you check your gold total after the conversation because, let’s be real, she was acting super sketch. I mean damn, the game somehow makes scrolls, the categorical worst item class in all western RPGs, worthwhile. Who wants a one-use item when you can just learn the spell forever? Until the first time you come to truly understand that a short 3-turn cooldown in “Divinity Time” could be the better part of an hour, and therefore a hundred and twenty seven gold for an Armor of Frost scroll is a small price to pay for peace of mind when The Red Prince needs an extra dose of magical armor like right now. 

And for all the ways you can bring ruin upon your enemies, all the stupid tricks and techniques that really shouldn’t work but somehow always do, the thing that actually breaks the game? The item that made us look at each other and go “we should probably never use this item again if we want to keep having fun.”

Green Tea.

Conservatively, 200+ hours of my life has gone to these games, and when this one is over, I’ll still feel like it wasn’t enough.

[kjammofficial]

OP from FB

So apart from watching youtube videos and sharing some reshared content on facebook, I haven't actually been socially active lately.

My messenger is blowing up and I haven't responded to a lot of messages. So, it's not that I'm not replying to you. I'm not replying to EVERYONE. Apart from asking some recommendations and replying to some pages who I need to get in touch with since I have a transaction with them. Other than that, anything else that's personal has just been lying around in my inbox.

Anyway, I've been pretty much out for the count, especially after what happened last time. I'm still pretty bummed out by it so I'm trying my best not to pass on my shit to anybody else. This is definitely going to be a looong ass extensive posts. Coz' here' what I thought, instead of making multiple posts about my shit, I'll just sum it up into one big pile of shit, right?!

First off, if you're selling something, right. Like, you're not a store, but a person just trying to make a living, selling your services, be sure to know how to treat people right. I was speaking with someone about getting some shit done and since I'm not familiar with the process, I had to ask, right? This mofo started laughing and proceed to tell me that I... "should come back and talk to him when I know what I was talking about." In this particular case, pricing. Holy shit the nerve of this dude. Okay, so I lost some money recently, that ain't no secret. But the audacity of this person, telling me, as if I ain't got nothing to pay for the shit I'm asking. You sir just lost 1 good possible customer. You seem to be doing well on your own anyway, but FUCK YOU anyway for looking down on me. I'm not a rich guy, but I know how to work around my finances and I CAN BUY SHIT THAT COSTS WAY MORE THAN WHAT YOU THINK, FUCKER! So yeah, I'll gladly tell more about this via PM if you're interested to know what this is so you too can avoid the person. The lesson here is, don't talk shit to potential customers. Whether you know or just think that they could probably afford shit or not, never straight up laugh at your customer. NEVER!

Alright, so that's enough screen time for that fucker. Next, sooooo.... I forgot what's supposed to be next. I think I was gonna write something about what happened. Oh, right. So, I recently lost my entire paycheck due to some issues around the house, right. This one's a bit too personal and even on private messages, I won't go into details about it. But, here's the thing that's annoying. You know how you prepare for your shit, and even though you're not good at planning. You desperately try to plan things out, just to make sure that you won't astronomically fuck things over by yourself, since you know how much you can get screwed over by your own. Right?! Well, la-dee-daah, look who screwed me over. Someone who didn't prepare for their own shit and now, for some reason, I had to deal with it. What did it cost me? 2 months worth of planning go poof, and 1 month of unpaid debt (cash loan). So, I'm still figuring out how to get back from that. I seem to have enough time until when my next paycheck comes, I haven't planned it yet though. Who knows what the fuck might screw me over by that time. I'll just have to sit it out and improvise.

Partially ditched my (closest) friends again, over a video game dispute. I mean, shiiiiiit I loooove me my video games. I can even say to some extent, it's all I have, next to them. And they just keep pissing me off for some stupid reasons. Like, yeah it was pretty dumb to be mad about it, but in my point of view, I was pretty certain they were aware. Like they were aware of how I am with games and probably not with any other games, but this game in particular. I'm not gonna state what game it is just for... whatever. I just don't understand... Okay so here's the thing, whenever I go dark, they eventually come to a point and ask "what's going on? Tell us what's wrong." So after you tell them what's wrong, you get that security that, these set of people are aware, they know how they should deal with your BS. Right?! Then here comes me throwing shade, and they just give up instantly. Like, I don't understand the point of me explaining to them what's wrong with me if they immediately, instantaneously give up, right?1 Like what's the point of telling a story, if after saying the lesson the reader just goes "let's do it again." I hate to say it but, while it is true that most of the time that we have "the talk" is between alcohol, but I gotta admit... it's sad when they just seem to pretend to listen. It's stupid how it started from video game dispute to not listening, right? Like I'm some kind of moody s/o or something. But that's how I feel, I mean, that's the best that I could explain how it feels. So, Idk, I'm not exactly writing this other than for my own pleasure so, eh... Not my problem if you can't translate.

Also, I've been unfollowing news outlets and skipping anything I scroll past that's political or covid related. I've actually been doing it ever since like April, but this time I'm almost hard committing to not getting involved. I mean, sometimes I get into flame wars in the comment section just for the heck of it. But I try to go into flame wars that I know I'm certain to win haha. Like, fr tho. I don't wanna get burned too much. But then again, I still also do my best to stay away from anything related at all.

As I'm writing this I actually paused a game I recently received as a gift. NieR:Automata™. I've been wanting to play this for a while now, especially when I found out that this is basically a bigger story-centered version of Stanley Parable did. I was like "oh shit, I gotta play this game." I'm not sure if I have been spoiled already when I saw reviews before, but hopefully, my description of the game here, doesn't ruin it for those who haven't played it yet too. Also, you have some dedication reading this post if you've made it this far. If you did, do send game recommendations. I like the ones that have an absurd number of multiple endings. I blame Stanley Parable for this, but I just really fancy the idea. Or at least a confusing one, like Control. I haven't played it yet but it's been out for a while. I know I wanted to play it since it was teased, but I never got the chance to grab the game yet, when it recently dropped in Steam. I was indeed spoiled about something about the ending, so, probably after NieR, my lists are as follows. (I'm not gonna make a bulleted list coz it'll be easily seen when anyone clicked "see more" and people be like "meh, just a bunch of lame gaming posts") So my lists is, for big title, I'm waiting for WD: Legion and CyberPunk 2077. Then comes Detroit become human, Control, Beyond: Two Souls. I have a bunch in mind that I wanna play but these are my focus for now. That's after I finished NieR.

Well, you've made it. You somehow read through this entire thing. I gotta say, I  actually had a lot of negative shit to posts. But I think my YouTube-ing, actually helped. I have been watching Smosh Pit. Holy guacamole Smosh is hella different than when I was first watching it back in 2010-2012. Anthony has long since left, and Ian has just been awkward to watch, sometimes. He looks like "when the boss tries to look quirky like the employees" whenever he's in a video, lol. But him and Anthony did establish the whole thing up, he probably got stuck to it after Anthony left. Since, you can't really just leave your legacy to a bunch of other people, right? Anyway, idk why I'm talking about that so.... You know the unfortunate thing is, after all this, nobody still really cares. Doesn't matter how much effort I put into socializing with people. After everything that I've gone through, once it's all said and done. At the end of the day, all I really have is myself. I think I've come to a point now that I've been doing self-love too much, that I've taken myself for granted. So, I'm just like "whatever" now. Nothing matters, we're all shitty people, we're all just a bunch of gas moving around, we're all gonna die, nobody's gonna know us as soon as 5 years after we died.

This is probably the only time I'm gonna say this on facebook or any of my other socials as I'm gonna try to hide it. I'm gonna do my own vlogging again. BUUUT it's not gonna be on anything that can be monetized. It's gonna be just my personal vlogs. I'll have it in my tumblr, what's my tumblr, that's for you to figure out. I've missed vlogging, and not the modern fancy ass vlogging that you see in YouTube. The vlogging I grew up with is literally just a video-blog/vlog, like a diary. So you take a video and you keep it somewhere. I didn't wanna upload it actually, I was gonna have it as a keepsake. But just for the heck of it, I'll put it in the internet so it's there forever. Unless tumblr gets taken down or do a friendster/myspace. So, yeah, I haven't posted anything yet, nor had taken a video. But as soon as I started rolling, I'll post it there and it'll just be a memory of me.

So yeah guys. Idk why you're reading this but thanks for your time anyway. Ya'll have a good one. I still don't feel like socializing but for my sanity's sake, I'll try to get back into responding into your messages. It's probably good for me too (I think). Byyeeeeeeeeeee~

Fin

[dicnysian]

answer all those questions you bitch

well I am ur lawfully wedded bitch1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
UH idfk i hold hands w people without realization2. Are you outgoing or shy?Depends if u a bitch or not
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?reese & colbert whenever wherever whoever however 
4. Are you easy to get along with?I'd say so
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i don't like anyone rn but i like my friends and they sure as hell would cause they dun it before 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?the pure kind we all dream of
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?colbert & keanu reeves
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?all I ever do is talk abt sex like a preteen boy
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?reese
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?"Tf"
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?1. GYPSY BY FLEETWOOD MAC2. Sawed off shotgun by glorious sons3. Video games by mama del rey4. Ophelia by the lumineers5. Any song from the requiem of a dream ost
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?YES
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?NO
15. What good thing happened this summer?getting drunk everyday while camping 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?yes idek who it was but yes 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?no 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?no
19. Do you like bubble baths?yes yes yes yes
20. Do you like your neighbors?i don't go outside 
21. What are you bad habits?UH biting my nails when I'm nervous which is 24/7
22. Where would you like to travel?Australia
23. Do you have trust issues?mmmmm no but I don't trust any average Joe on the street
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?eating
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?my thighs & waist wtf is goin on there
26. What do you do when you wake up?go back to sleep 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I need a tan asap as possible 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?my bffs
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?yes dear god
30. Do you ever want to get married?yes
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?yes
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?lana & god himself but that's technically the same person 
33. Spell your name with your chin.no
34. Do you play sports? What sports?no
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yes lol I'm a lil pussy
37. What do you say during awkward silences?"SO do u eat ass?"
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?keanu reeves
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?thrift stores & lush
40. What do you want to do after high school?get tf outta this place and go to university
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?mmmm depends on the situation 
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?im overthinking
43. Do you smile at strangers?yes
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?I choose C.
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?my mum 
46. What are you paranoid about?ch ch ch changes
47. Have you ever been high?YES
48. Have you ever been drunk?YES IM PROLLY DRUNK RN
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?no I don't think
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?im wearing one rn & it's blue 
51. Ever wished you were someone else?yes papí 
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?my nose
53. Favourite makeup brand?too faced
54. Favourite store?lush
55. Favourite blog?reese's ;) (I don't wanna spell it cause I can't)
56. Favourite colour?blue or green
57. Favourite food? sushi
58. Last thing you ate?a sandwich from Timmy's
59. First thing you ate this morning?peanut butter toast
60. Ever won a competition? For what?LMAO i used to play piano and got some trophies and i used to do gymnastics/cheerlead & won some shit
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?SUSPENDED FOR VAPING ON SCHOOL PROPERTY dab dab
62. Been arrested? For what?no
63. Ever been in love? i thought I was but realized later that was a hard no
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?it was on a stairway at a movie theatre and it was horrible period
65. Are you hungry right now?Yes
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?i like my real friends 
67. Facebook or Twitter?FB
68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?yessss
70. Names of your bestfriends? Colbert & REESE
71. Craving something? What?idk probably food
72. What colour are your towels?white
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?4
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?no
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?like 500 kept in my closet 
75. Favourite animal?chitty chats & lemurs
76. What colour is your underwear?tie-dye 😏
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?vanilla
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?blue
80. What colour pants?what pants
81. Favourite tv show?UH I like the office & x files
82. Favourite movie?I like JUNO & lots of old movies
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?I'm skipping this cause the answer is obvious 
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?skipping
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Glenn coco
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?the angelfish guy
87. First person you talked to today?mmmmm my mum
88. Last person you talked to today?the day ain't over sunshine
89. Name a person you hate?i have a list
90. Name a person you love?reese
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?yes
92. In a fight with someone?no
93. How many sweatpants do you have?874+
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?874+
95. Last movie you watched?memento
96. Favourite actress?uhhhh I'm rlly into emily blunt & margot robbie rn
97. Favourite actor?Keanu reeves (my dad), Leo (my dad), the guy that voices sideshow bob
98. Do you tan a lot?NO i BURN 
99. Have any pets?2 kitties
100. How are you feeling?kinda bummed I got a dentist appointment tmrw
101. Do you type fast?si
102. Do you regret anything from your past?no ragrats (yes)
103. Can you spell well?I'd say so 
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?yes
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yes señorita 
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?YES 😏😏😏
107. Have you ever been on a horse?yes yes yes
108. What should you be doing?cleaning my room 
109. Is something irritating you right now?mmmm nah I'm good rn
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?no
111. Do you have trust issues?stop asking me THIS 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?uhhh my math teacher cause I forgot how to multiply
113. What was your childhood nickname?syd the kid
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yes yes
115. Do you play the Wii?wii is good for the soul
116. Are you listening to music right now?NO but I'm GONNA once I finish this
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?eh it's okay
118. Do you like Chinese food?YES that good shit
119. Favourite book?the bell jar or Norwegian wood 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?YES
121. Are you mean?idk
122. Is cheating ever okay?noooooo
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?oh DONT get me started on white shoes I think they're the most stupid invention ever created by man 
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?no
125. Do you believe in true love?no
126. Are you currently bored?yes
127. What makes you happy?my friends & any song by queen
128. Would you change your name?in a heart beat
129. What your zodiac sign?pisces
130. Do you like subway?mmmm yes
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I'd say "no you don't" 
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?👏 you asked this sweaty
133. Favourite lyrics right now?hey ho let's go
134. Can you count to one million?I can't even count to 100 without skipping a number or 2
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I've told lots of dumb shit you can't tell me to pick just one
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?open so the kitties can travel as they please
137. How tall are you?5'3"-5'3" AND A HALF-ISH
138. Curly or Straight hair?wavy
139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette
140. Summer or Winter?summer but winter is pretty
141. Night or Day?night
142. Favourite month?February 
143. Are you a vegetarian?HELL no
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?white
145. Tea or Coffee?tea
146. Was today a good day?I'd say so yeh so far
147. Mars or Snickers?mars
148. What’s your favourite quote?idkkkk
149. Do you believe in ghosts?UHuhhuh nO but I think someone's gonna get me when it's dark 
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)no

[robin-hood-for-freedom]

Its been a LONG time since I’v done anything regarding Anita Sarkeesian.  And to be honest, I wasnt going to make a response to this.  But I feel like he actually raises some interesting points that are worth discussing.  

to the skeptics and anti sjw's she'sseen in all ways as a force for bad adishonest critic opportunist a scamartist and ideologue a huge dick 

I guess thats fair.  At this point I dont think most anti-sjws really care about her though.  I will say that, I, personally never got on board with the whole idea that she was a scam artist(though I can see why some people came to that conclusion).  Imo, even if its true(and I doubt it), its largely a red herring.  

so what I'll call the Internet left however she was broadly understood as an all-around decent critic who was unfairly maligned harassed and abused because she was a woman who spoke about feminism and about her unfair treatment on the Internet

Since you are part of the ‘internet left’ I’ll take your word for it.  

I genuinely like Anita sarkeesian I agree with lots of her points and thought she was pretty cool before I knew she was somebody who everybody hated

I’m gonna be honest: Even if I was inclined to agree with anita’s criticism(I’m not), I dont know if I would really like her as a person or say she was ‘cool.’  Her videos and public appearances to me just come across as boring and uninspired.  

To be fair though, my only interaction with her has been through those videos/appearances.  So its possible she’s actually really nice and funny in person.  

even if I didn't like her though I still wouldn't think she deserved the ire of the public you know threats and harassment from people who hated every fiber of her being

Looking back I’m actually somewhat inclined to agree with you.  Aside from the obvious that nobody deserves threats and harassment(although those were grossly exaggerated), I actually think the attention given to her was unwarranted.  That said, I think most of was less hatred for Anita as a person, or even as a woman, and more concerns about her potential influence and how that might affect games(and other media) we love.  

Looking back that influence turned out to be ‘basically none’ but you know what they say about hindsight.  

I'm gonna be looking closely at a few people mostly Thunderfoot and sargon of akkad

I’m going to point out at this point that I’m not really that interested in defending Sargon or Thunderf00t(especially not Thunderf00t).  I have my quibbles with their takes on Anita.  

the first big argument that Anita sarkeesian wants to make that looking at games we can see a general tendency toward centralizing narratives of male and particularly straight male empowerment and what's more that this narrative tends to place the women of video games into some pretty weird positions women are less likely to be the protagonists of games they're more likely to be presented as sexually appealing to have their bodies put on display they're more likely to take on passive or victimized positions as damsels their to be rescued by predominantly male heroes

You cold argue that there are games that do this.  I could point out loads of counter-examples of games that dont.  

But, more importantly, I think, is that she doesnt really make an argument for why this is bad.  And even the limited attempts she does make, you explicitly reject later in this video.  In other words, we’re left with no reason to accept this as a criticism, unless we’ve bought into feminist ideology prior to clicking on Anita’s videos.  

If you want to argue that these videos were meant to be specifically for a feminist audience and that its silly for non-feminists to care, I guess thats fair as far as it goes.  But I dont think thats what you are getting at with this video.  

not being an expert in games myself I can't really go through er work fact-checking each and everyone of those examples besides that's not really something that interests me

I guess thats fair as far as it goes.  I’m actually glad you acknowledge that you dont know that much about games(unlike anita).  But I think you’ll miss a lot of the criticisms of her in that case, which tended to focus on how fairly she was presenting the games she looked at(not very in most cases).  

He then posts and summarizes a Thunderf00t video here, I’m only gonna respond to one point then pick up later(watch the full video for context)

Jamie's girlfriend didn't need to get beaten up we didn't need to see her panties as she was taken away

I pointed this out when I responded to Anita, but compare the amount of Marion porn, to the amount of Chung-li porn, and then tell me how much men desire weak or disempowered women(granted this isnt overly relevant to anything he said, but it was something that always bugged me about anita’s arguments).

Double Dragon might be a story about heroism in some broad sense but it's also a male power fantasy it makes you feel good because you get to play as a badass

No, it IS a story about heroism.  I can agree that the game sidelines and ‘damsels’ Marion(although again I’m not sold on the idea of that being inherently a bad thing).  But the fantasy isnt just about beating people up for no reason, its about being able to protect and save the people you care about.  I’m seriously skeptical that Double Dragon(or most other games) would resonate as much without that aspect.  

I’m skipping most of the rest of the Thunderf00t stuff, because I dont think thunderf00t made the best arguments, and dont have much desire to defend them.  

here's her second and much more important position that games being like that that's a problem Anita isn't just here to make a bunch of neutral statements about what video games are like she wants to say that video games have some relationship to things like sexism misogyny the patriarchy negative and pervasive stuff she sees in our culture

And since I’m not convinced that games can cause people to become sexist or other have other negative views(and neither are you as we shall see).  The only problem is that the games in question offend her feminist sensibilities.  

[these youtubers] nitpick small errors in her analysis see she spoke too broadly about hitman her general observations about video games must be totally off-base

Its not just hitman.  That was just one of many, many examples of her misrepresenting or deliberately using game mechanics to painting games in a worse light than reality is.  Also she shows no understand of how gameplay affects player attention and focus(presumably because she doesnt know as a result of not playing them)

cultivation Theory cultivation theory is an area of research and psychology that attempts to study and demonstrate the impact that media has on people the sorts of behaviors and dispositions it cultivates and when these youtubers talk about this theory it is always to point out that the research has proven it false

Not so much that its been proven false.  But that the effects shown are much more subtle than is commonly portrayed, tends to reinforce previously held beliefs rather than implanting new ones, and may not even apply to games.  Liana Kerzner(funny how you dont cover her despite the fact that she got a decent amount of attention for arguing with Anita), and AydenPaladin have both discussed this extensively, so I’ll just leave links to their videos.  

let's say for the sake of argument that these people are absolutely right about their science every study we've done shows that video games cause no shift in behavior or disposition our research into cultivation Theory has given us nothing but a bunch of bummed out psychologists now assuming all this let's ask a question what exactly would these findings mean to Anita sarkeesian's claim that video games can be harmful

It would mean she’s wrong.  Actually she’s wrong even in the real world where cultivation is a thing, just more subtle and might not apply to games.  

but to me it would mean absolutely nothing and why is that well here's one big reason I don't think that science is actually capable of disproving obvious facts about the wa ypeople work media's abilities are cultivate behaviors emotions and dispositions isn't some incidental point about it that requires further proof rather it's the entire reason why media exists in the first place

You’re conflating two very different things here.  Nobody denies that media has an ‘effect’ in the sense of causing an emotional reaction or giving some new information to people.  But thats a VERY different thing than saying media can alter peoples long-term attitudes, beliefs or behaviors.  

I agree the former is obvious.  The latter isnt.  And in fact the effect media has is pretty small.  

let's do a little thought experiment say a film is made that is unabashed Nazi propaganda let's call it Lubin'sLubin

You obviously dont speak German, but okay.  

every moment in this film conveys an anonymous and an explicit hatred of Jews let's say that this film is so horrendously racist that nobody in society can possibly be influenced by it to become Nazis the vast majority of people watch it critically tear it apart maybe even reflect on how silly and gross Nazism is

So you’re saying this film may, unintentionally, have a net positive effect on society.  Go on.

now if what's argon and Thunderfoot says is true if the only way to say a work of art is toxic is to look at its literal impact on society then we would be unable to condemn Lubin sh Lubin since the film has no tangible effect on anyone's behavior

Oh we could absolutely condemn the film, say its gross or bad or stupid or whatever.  What could not do is say its harmful.  Because it isnt.  

everybody with a brain knows that this movie is bad politically not in a way that means we should ban it but in a way that is worthy of our scorn and disgust

Sure such a film would be disgusting.  But disgust isnt harm.  And to conflate the two is not only disingenuous as fuck, but potentially dangerous.  

By this logic, Anita Sarkeesian’s videos are harmful, because lots of people are disgusted by them.  

watching Anita sarkeesian's videos she does site cultivation Theory a few times says there's a causal relationship between video games being the way they are and people being sexist and to be honest I kinda wish she hadn't said those things

Do I even need to comment?  

you can see that she means something very similar to what we described in our thought experiment we can see this whenever she talks about games it's pretty obvious

Indeed.  Her main reason for condemning video games is that they offend her feminist sensibilities.  So non-feminists have no reason to accept her criticism.  

she didn't wait for the Double Dragon studies to come in and prove that the game causes regressive behaviors and of course she didn't do that because she doesn't have to she is a person who experienced this work of art and she's claiming here that what she saw in it

Or in other words:

it stipulates that violence against women can be understood as erotic

Again, who is the bigger sex symbol: Marion or Bayonetta?  hint: its NOT the one who is passive recipient of violence.  

it just doesn't make sense to reserve our judgments of media to only those things that the work is actively calling for we also have to look at subtext and coding

And the subtext here is ‘kidnapping and beating up women is bad.  And real manly badasses protect and care for the ones they love.’  

keeping with our Nazi propaganda theme which I guess we have here let's use let's use this boy as an example:

image posted for reference.

this image obviously sucks because in the society it was used in it conveyed terrible ideas it serves to implicitly justify racial hierarchy and to normalize the idea that Jewish people were subhuman it

The difference here is the image in question was used in explicit anti-semitic propaganda.  There is a history here that directly links this imagery to Nazism and anti-semitism more broadly.  

Video games dont have such a history.  Even the tropes anita discusses that pre-date video games, such as the damsel in distress dont really have such a history.  The story of Saint George and the dragon(one of the earliest DiD stories, and the oldest anita cites) was about faith and knightly duty, not gender relations.  Hell Double Dragon isnt ABOUT how helpless your grlfriend, but about being the hero who is willing and capable to protect her.  

Skipping some more, because I dont care:

what he[thunderf00t] seems to have forgotten is that you can buy cigarettes under capitalism and you can buy an apple under capitalism cigarettes kill 400,000 people every year but apples they don't do nearly that much damage it's actually said that they keep the doctors away you might think that cigarettes should remain legal and I'm sympathetic to that idea but you'd have a hard time convincing me that they're not harmful to the people who use them

The difference is that we have loads of evidence that cigarettes cause real, tangible harm.  The same cannot be said for media.  Even cultivation theory says that media tends to reinforce existing beliefs than implant new ones.  And its not always clear that those beliefs translate into tangible actions.  

And I’m gonna say it again before anybody brings it up:  disgust is not harm.  

you may think that you can talk about the worth of art from a political or moral perspective but in fact that's just a mirage anything you say about media is just an unverified and likely unsupportable position and you should probably forget about

I would phrase it differently:  You can talk about media from a moral or political perspective all you want.  However, anybody who doesnt share your perspective would then be perfectly justified in simply dismissing what you have to say.  

hate Anita sarkeesian not because of what she says but because of who she is and the damage she causes

More precisely the damage we thought she might potentially cause.  Which admittedly in hindsight was an overreaction.  

they talk about how she sucks because she released her video slowly

Usually its less about her being slow, and more about she failed to keep her kickstarter promises.  I dont really go in for that because because I frankly dont think its that big a deal.  

didn't like being harassed on the Internet

Look, what she has shown as harassment is no worse than what most people(men and women) experience.  The vast majority of it wasnt even harassment but responses and criticisms.  

I guess you could say that online harassment shouldnt be a thing at all.  But I also dont think thats very realistic.  

talk about how she's a fraudulent grifter who gets her lackeys to phony bomb threats so she can make more money

I dont know about the bomb threat thing specifically.  I DO know that she used the harassment she received(real or not) to get attention and money.  

about how she's a fake gamer and so she shouldn't be talking about games

Thats a perfectly valid criticism though.  Media criticism is best done by people who actually have knowledge of the media in question.  

these guys are unapologetically anti-feminist and because of that they see no reason to change media to make it more feminist

So you DO get it!  

and they don't criticize and Anita sarkeesian's work because of cultivation theory I mean where are the studies that show that these videos are causing murder rates to increase

I honestly dont know what you’re getting at here.  The only reason anybody ever brought up cultivation theory is because Anita did first.  

And they dont criticize Anita  Sarkeesian's work because she explicitly calls for immoral actions

Nobody said she did?  Although I think if you read between the lines she has some really negative views towards men.  

and they don't criticize Anita sarkeesian's videos because they exist outside some benevolent capitalist structure I've got some hot news for you Anita sarkeesian's work is actually facilitated by capitalism

I’m not sure what you’re getting at here.  But it does make Anita a massive fucking hypocrite.  

no they hate Anita sarkeesian's work mostly because she says stuff they think is bad she's a feminist who wants various things about games to change and they disagree with her vehemently about it

And more importantly, that with all the attention she was getting at the time we thought the kind of changes she wants might actually start to happen.  Not that her videos would turn game developers into feminists(because lets face it, theres basically zero chance of her videos turning anybody feminist).  But because they might become convinced that there is an audience for the kind of games she wants.  

Like I said multiple times:  We were mostly mistaken about that.  

Theres not really much else here.  he just repeats himself.  so thats all for now.  

[bobbystompy]

The Slim Shady 20

Eminem’s “The Slim Shady LP” came out, I’m told, 20 years ago. Though the album is, in many ways, dated, homophobic, problematic, sexist, and just as differently offensive now as it equally was originally, it’s still extremely excellent. Instead of going too think piece-y, I wanted to write about my favorite bars.

While Eminem’s career definitely hit higher highs with latter releases, this is my favorite album in his catalogue. He was just as angry, but it was channeled; not distorted by fame or worn down by addiction or jaded by lawsuits or persevering through death of loved ones. This was 26-year-old Marshall, getting his head above water in time to start machine gunning expletives at the world around him.

And please remember, in his words, “If I’m talking too fast, it just means you’re listening too slow.”

20.

I wanted an album so rugged, nobody could touch it Spent a million a track and went over my budget (Oh, shit) Now, how in the fuck am I supposed to get out of debt? I can't rap anymore, I just murdered the alphabet

Immediate thesis statement.

19.

If I had a magic wand I'd make the world suck my dick without a condom on while I'm on the john

Really dislike this lyric, but it’s unflinching grossness hits every time.

18. 

I met a s*** and said, "What up? It's nice to meet ya I'd like to treat you to a Faygo and a slice of pizza”

This lyric does not exist going forward because any success carries you beyond it. Shades of “Exhibit C’s” masterful “When I was sleepin' on the train / Sleepin' on Meserole Ave out in the rain / Without even a single slice of pizza to my name” exactly 10 years later.

17.

This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph So I signed it, "Dear Dave, thanks for the support, asshole"

Doesn’t even rhyme; he hated his fans from the very beginning.

16. 

‘Cause I'm the one they can relate to and look up to better Tonight, I think I'll write my biggest fan a "fuck you" letter

Gave you every, immediate chance to get away.

15.

I'm freestylin' every verse that I spit 'Cause I don't even remember the words to my shit

Nah --  you’re way too meticulous, Shady.

14.

I'm not a player, just a ill rhyme sayer That'll spray a aerosol can up at the ozone layer

I like when his evil imagery turns half-baked adolescent; might as well brag about melting ants with your magnifying glass.

13.

Tell her you need a place to stay You'll be safe for days if you shave your legs with Renee's razor blades

Some fun internals; plus the part right before taught me what “gaffle” meant.

12.

I just remembered that I'm absent-minded Wait, I mean I've lost my mind, I can't find it

+

I used to be a loudmouth, remember me? (“Uh-uh”) I'm the one who burned your house down (“Oh”) Well, I'm out now (“Shit”)

Two of my favorite circular lines.

11.

Some people only see that I'm white, ignorin' skill 'Cause I stand out like a green hat with a orange bill But I don't get pissed, y'all don't even see through the mist How the fuck can I be white? I don't even exist

Had to address the elephant in the room.

10.

You beef with me, I'ma even the score equally Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally

Man with a plan.

9.

These are the results of a thousand electric volts, a neck with bolts Nurse, we're losin' him, check the pulse

Always a lab-created monster.

8.

I want to make songs all the fellas dub And murder every rich rapper that I'm jealous of So just remember, when I bomb your set Yo, I only cuss to make your mom upset

Cracked the code for us.

7.

Got b****** on my jock out in East Detroit 'Cause they think that I'm a motherfuckin' Beastie Boy So I told 'em I was Mike D They was like, "Gee, I don't know, he might be" I told 'em, "Meet me at Kid Rock's next concert I'll be standin' by the Loch Ness Monster"

This one checks many boxes: The D, local-yet-hilariously-dated celeb name check, misogyny, mythical creatures.

6.

But they love it when you make your business public So fuck it, I've got herpes while we on the subject And if I told you I had AIDS, y'all would play it 'Cause you stupid mothafuckas think I'm playin' when I say it Well, I do take pills, don't do speed Don't do crack, don't do coke, I do smoke weed Don't do smack, I do do shrooms, do drink beer I just wanna make a few things clear My baby mama's not dead, she's still alive and bitching And I don't have herpes, my dick's just itchin' It's not syphilis, and as for being AIDS-infested I don't know yet, I'm too scared to get tested

One of the only times he breaks the fourth wall.

5.

I hang with a bunch of hippies and wacky tobacco planters Who swallow lit roaches and light up like jack-o-lanterns Outsidaz, baby, and we suin' the courts 'Cause we dope as fuck and only get a ‘2′ in The Source

This was soon corrected.

4.

That's what I did, be smart, don't be a r***** You gonna take advice from somebody who slapped Dee Barnes? “What you say?” What's wrong? Didn't think I'd remember? “I'ma kill you, motherfucker” Uh-uh, temper, temper Mr. Dre, Mr. N.W.A, Mr. AK Comin' straight outta Compton, y'all better make way

Distilling Dre’s career -- warts and all -- into a flurry of knockout punches.

3.

I'll listen to your demo tape and act like I don't like it Six months later, you'll hear your lyrics on my shit ("That's my shit"!) People don't buy shit no more, they just dub it That's why I'm still broke and had the number-one club hit

Everything we’ve ever learned about Eminem has taught us he’s a tortured obsessive... yet this stretch feels effortlessly perfect. Plus, it gives us a clairvoyant outlook on the perils of massive-success-without-actually-making-money in the YouTube/streaming era.

2.

Me and Marcus Allen went over to see Nicole When we heard a knock at the door, must've been Ron Gold Jumped behind the door, put the orgy on hold Killed them both, then smeared blood on the white Bronco (We did it)

So offensive it almost laps itself back into normalcy. The unflinching “We did it” at the end is psychotic, horrible, and confident.

1.

 Fuck rap, I'm givin' it up, y'all, I'm sorry (”But Eminem, this is your record release party!”)

Tried to get out the game on his debut; Jay Electronica would be proud.

Honorable mentions...

I lay awake and strap myself in the bed With a bulletproof vest on and shoot myself in the head (Bang) I'm steamin' mad (Grr) And by the way, when you see my dad (Yeah?) Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had

There’s something casual about his fantasy murder of his father that really made the end stretch of this hit home. This is the closing of his final verse in “My Name Is”; he was never playing.

Man, ain't you ever seen that one movie “Kids”? No, but I seen the porno with Sun Doobiest

Em’s devil to Dre’s angel.

My palms were sweaty, and I started to shake at first Somethin' told me, "Try to fake a stomach ache, it works" I screamed, "Ow, my appendix feel like they could burst Teacher, teacher, quick, I need a naked nurse" "What's the matter?" "I don't know, my leg, it hurts" "Leg? I thought you said it was your tummy" "Oh, I mean it is, but I also got a bum knee" "Mr. Mathers, the fun and games are over And just for that stunt, you're gonna get some extra homework" "But don't you wanna give me after school detention?" "Nah, that bully wants to beat your ass and I'ma let him"

Even the teacher wanted him to get his.

Tired of bein' stared at Tired of wearin' the same damn Nike Air hat

Never had to worry about that after this.

* * *

Death section:

- I tried suicide once and I'll try it again That's why I write songs where I die at the end 

- The disaster with dreads, I'm bad enough to commit suicide And survive long enough to kill my soul after I'm dead

- The ill type, I stab myself with a steel spike While I blow my brain out just to see what it feels like 'Cause this is how I am in real life I don't want to just die a normal death, I wanna be killed twice

- And if you ever see a video for this shit I'll probably be dressed up like a mummy with my wrists slit

- (I'm Slim Shady) So come and kill me while my name's hot And shoot me 25 times in the same spot

* * *

I got a wardrobe with an orange robe I'm in the fourth row, signin' autographs at your show

Tries to be unique and boastful... falls apart and gets self-deprecating.

I take a breather and sigh, either I'm high or I'm nuts 'Cause if you ain't tiltin' this room, neither am I

I mean, someone was... right?

We drive around in million-dollar sports cars While little kids hide this tape from their parents like bad report cards

Eh.

If I had a million bucks, it wouldn't be enough Because I'd still be out robbin' armored trucks

Unquenched desire for chaos.

A lyricist without a clue, what year is this? Fuck a needle, here's a sword, body pierce with this

Always able to make a risky situation dicier.

Wait, what if there's an explanation for this shit? What, she tripped, fell, landed on his dick?

Solid one liner.

Drug sickness got me doin' some bugged twitches I'm withdrawin' from crack so bad, my blood itches

/eyes pop out

I don't speak, I float in the air, wrapped in a sheet I'm not a real person, I'm a ghost trapped in a beat

Super fun hip-hop imagery.

[itsfamoustimemachinecollect-blog]

Live Stream & NBA TV Schedule (2019)

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[cosmosogler]

ehhhhh today had some ups and downs.

my dreams last night weren’t TOO bad. i had a lot of trouble falling asleep though, like, a lot. my dad and brother both kept me up for a long time yelling at their computers. and eve tried to jump over the stool onto the bed and hurt herself... i spent a while trying to get her to acknowledge the stool but she really was very confused.

but the dreams. i was revisiting a very old... “style” of dream where i was at my dad’s childhood home? he had tons of really strange video games that i was trying to put into a single box. i think... it was his parents’ old home. it was definitely his dad’s ancient tv. it used to look so big to me when i was younger... he would play spyro games on it. so the video games i was collecting in the dream were pretty unusual, at least, from my knowledge. 

there was something else going on but i don’t quite remember how i got there. eventually i was playing a game where i had to navigate a maze with a little jetpack man. there was a character i’ve dreamed about before watching me play the game and making stupid comments every time i died. like... my jetpack man would get crushed by doors, or squashed between walls that weren’t moving when i looked, and then when i would look at where i needed to get to next, they would smash together. i took the jokes pretty good-naturedly. i was mostly annoyed about the game... i was actually really happy to have someone familiar with me for once. and i was glad he was ok. the last time i saw him both of us had been in pretty bad shape. that was like... almost a year ago. i may have written about that dream here actually.

after that i was trying to get to a restaurant at the end of a long country road. i’ve dreamed about the restaurant many times but i don’t think i’ve ever actually gotten into the building! and i didn’t last night either. i feel like... the restaurant is based off the chicken place at knott’s berry farm. every few years we drive over to knott’s for thanksgiving and we always go to that restaurant even when the wait to get in is like an hour and a half.

you know, i couldn’t place the building this morning. i’m glad i thought about it a little more. i hung out with some other “friends” i have made outside the building waiting for... something. i think i was waiting for something in particular, but they were just chilling with me while i waited. it was weird. they kept changing shape and color and they didn’t always have faces but i knew who they were “supposed” to be and i found that comforting for once. i don’t mind having friends who are physically terrifying. (most of the characters i meet in my dreams are horrifying eldritch monstrosities to look at and i can’t even describe them) and these guys were super chill. 

i don’t know why, but i still miss the skeleton butler. he was really cool and kind of, fatherly? i haven’t seen ANY of the mansion staff actually, even when i do visit the mansion. it’s... empty. i used to hang out with a bunch of ghosts in that area too and i didn’t see them either the last time i went in the attic.

i think these guys were the first time i’ve seen ANY reoccurring friends in a very long time. maybe that’s why it was such a relief. 

these are a lot of feelings about things that aren’t even real.

so... in the morning i bummed around. i got up SUPER late because i was so drained from last night. and i guess i was sad that my friends stop existing when i’m not asleep haha. i had lunch a little early so i could more conveniently sit and wait by my phone for lisa to call. and she did, at the last possible minute before i would have to leave to get to therapy on time. 

she called my insurance. she said they were really weird about it and their process for extensions is not like any other insurance company’s. she has to submit a form online and then it will take 2 days (or up to over 2 weeks) for them to process the request and get back to the facility. and in two weeks i’m leaving for hawaii for ten days... so even if i do get approved, if it happens too late, it won’t matter anyway.

but we’re going to try again on wednesday and see if we can get them to speed up the process. when i hung up with lisa i didn’t feel anything. 

it’s... easier to be friendly and confident on the phone. you don’t have to concentrate on the face you’re making, on where your shoulders are, whether you’re tapping your foot or not. i guess “i didn’t feel anything” isn’t quite the truth. i didn’t feel anything emotionally. physically i felt like i had sprinted a mile.

so... i sat down and played the rest of undertale. the ending really got to me... i’m really glad that this game got made though. i think it has a lot to say, if you let it. when i was satisfied with talking to every single person before rolling the credits, i sat and watched two episodes of cry plays: soma. then i realized it was super late and i should eat some dinner. i had like five crackers and didn’t want to eat any more. then i took wiley for a walk around the neighborhood since it was nice out. 

i don’t really remember what i did all evening. like... i read some animorphs stuff, but i didn’t think i was doing that for two and a half hours? i guess i was.

then i watched another episode of soma and now i am halfway done with the videos. it’s stressful to try to think about how it’s going to end. it’s a horror game, so i don’t think it CAN end well. but i still want it to. i think i might be starved for happy endings. not all my favorite stories end on a happy note, or even a hopeful note, but... i dunno, i like happy endings the most, when they are earned.

i guess i just need to believe that things can get better. so i need stories where things get better.

tomorrow i’m seeing my individual therapist. i’m a little concerned about how to manage the car situation. our truck died... so now we’re down to 3 cars split among 5 people, 3 of whom have regular jobs. and i have to go to doctors’ appointments/therapy 4-5 days out of the week. four cars was just enough to get everyone where they needed to go with some finagling. the next month and a half are going to be rough.

anyway, the therapist. i am going to try to talk to her about my self esteem worksheets. and maybe how to start changing beliefs about how i relate to the rest of the world. as, like, a weird only somewhat-helpful resource to be used up and then thrown away. 

like, i know i would be more helpful to more people in the long run if i took care of myself. but that’s not really, the point? helping people is only like half the rule. the other half of the rule is “sammie needs to be hurt in some way.” it’s not... a healthy way of looking at myself, but it wasn’t really meant to be. it was meant to be a self destruct button that i can mash over and over until i finally just die. i ain’t really got a sense of self preservation. not a conscious one anyway.

back at villanova, people used to ask me questions about, like, in which circumstances i would eat an animal. that’s not the only place or time people have asked me that question since i became vegetarian, but it was the most frequent there. i didn’t have a good answer back then. but i think now i can word the feeling i had when i thought about it. i would really just rather starve to death than kill and eat an animal. 

it tears me apart every time i get startled and kill a bug when i find one in the house. the need for everything to be clean immediately usually overpowers the need for everything to be alive. and i don’t like that about myself. i know it’s just a beetle, or just a spider, but... i see that they are scared before i kill them. and it feels really wrong to kill something just because its appearance makes me uncomfortable. but i do it anyway.

it makes me think. if something was bigger than me, and it thought i was gross, would it be wrong if it killed me on sight? would the being consider it wrong? or only as wrong as squashing a bug? would it be helpful if they killed me but felt really bad about it afterward and then forgot about it?

if i was in a fight, and it was either kill in self defense or get killed... i’d probably just let myself die unless i thought that the thing killing me would also hurt someone else. maybe not even then. i’m not sure. in dreams where i am killed by something, i do put up a fight, but it never really matters in the end. i wonder if it’s because i am more afraid of the pain of being wounded than of dying because of a wound? 

or maybe i am a liar. maybe while i am not in danger of dying i can sit and say “well i don’t care about living or dying” but as soon as there is actual danger i suddenly think being alive is definitely better.

i’m not sure about that though. when i had shigella, it occurred to me that i could die. i certainly felt like i might. my attitude toward it was more of a “bummer. i wish it didn’t hurt so bad.” than an “OH MY GOD I MIGHT DIE????” i mostly just wanted to take a nap.

like with this stomach thing. when i realized it was not going to resolve even with medical attention, and nobody knew what was wrong, i considered that i might die. i mean, it would have had to get a lot worse in order to kill me. but puking after every meal was doing a number on my motivation. and you gotta consider these scenarios if you’re going to make contingencies in your plans. and my thoughts were mostly just “dang. there were a couple other things i wanted to do first. oh well.” 

so i don’t know if it’s adrenaline pushing me forward in dangerous situations or a genuine “unconscious” will to survive. i guess it doesn’t matter if they function the same way.

self esteem is weird. like what are you SUPPOSED to think about yourself? i just kind of... am. i don’t know what it is i’m not accepting. i don’t like myself very much, but i don’t really see how i could like myself better, or what direction i would have to go in order for me to say “yeah, i like this person that is me.” i guess i can say that i’m comfortable with myself? i am used to navigating the dumb maze that i put myself in, in my own head? i agree that i could probably do with taking the maze apart or perhaps rearranging it, but at the same time, that’s not The Goal. The One True Goal is to give bits of myself away until there’s nothing left and i am gone. changing that goal is like a betrayal of... the goal. 

coming back to characters i like. i am thinking about homestuck titles, like “hero of ___” and stuff like that. i would want to be a hero of space, because i love everything about it, but my real struggle would probably be a heart player’s. i took a personality quiz once, when those were popular quite a long time ago. it said i was a “sylph of heart,” a healer. but i think that’s not quite what the point is. i would be more of a destroyer. i think that’s why i like dirk so much.

it’s late now. i’ve been writing for an hour. i’m not sure what conclusion to draw from this fun little jaunt around my philosophy. but i guess... i have a more solid idea of what i want to say in therapy tomorrow, maybe. 

playing games, and really just reading stories, that i like a lot always leave me feeling empty when i finish. it’s like getting drunk. it feels really fun for a while, and you have a great time, and then when the fun wears off you’re left realizing how lonely your life is and the stories you read are really just ways of meeting people you wish you knew. maybe... other than just being tired, and my eyes being weak, that’s one of the reasons i have trouble reading any more. it feels bad, knowing people so well that you’ll never meet. but it’s also a way of getting the message that someone else understands what it’s like to feel as bad as i do, i guess. the author’s gotta understand that way of thinking if they write a character with that special brand of self loathing or fatigue. 

i miss having friends. even just casual ones that i don’t really talk about myself with. dream friends are nice, but they are hard to communicate with, and i’m never quite sure where they came from or where they go, or why they say the things they say. 

it’s really late again... i have time to get to bed and i can still maybe get up on time though. well, let’s be generous and make before 9:30 the goal. i’ll have to do my self esteem journal in the morning and then try to figure out the car situation.