#still breaks my heart because its
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the world is so cruel and people have so little compassion for others who r suffering differently than them it genuinely makes me cry
#i just cant even imagine it i cant imagine seeing someone suffering and wanting to hurt them more#esp w recent political shit i just idk i cant imagine living like that and not for one second thinking about why someone might immigrate-#illegally or transition or ANYTHING. JUST ANY HUMAN ACT THAT IS DIFFERENT#on reddit (first mistake) commented smth on a thread abt substance abuse and this person got very angry and started calling me all this#horrible shit and saying 'you think you can say whatever you want just because you're on the Internet' when all i said was be kind#being told to have compassion for addicts is seen as a personal attack like its so bad#ik i dont even fall into the same category of 'druggie' or 'junkie' that most of these people mean bc im living a functional life but it#still breaks my heart because its#just so cruel. its so cruel that people see others suffering on the street literally homeless and think they need to be shamed even more#warlock wartalks
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[ cw: death mention / strangulation mention / stabbing mention / blood mention / self-sacrifice / codependency mention in tags / ]
I think a lot about how common it is for Raph to be the one to have direct focus put on him when Leo gets into all his near death experiences.
Like, when Leo is thrown off a building, it’s Raph who’s right there jumping after him, not even thinking about the consequences to himself when he does. When Leo almost gets skewered by the Krang, Raph’s right there to take the blow and send Leo to safety without a second thought. When Leo’s being strangled to near death, it’s a Krangified Raph doing the job, doing exactly what Raph would never, ever want to do. When Leo is telling Casey Jr to close the portal, it’s Raph who tries desperately to convince Leo otherwise.
Likewise, Leo is consistently very single minded when Raph gets forcibly separated from them. Both when in the sewers and by the Krang, Leo is dead set on finding Raph first and foremost.
I also think it’s interesting that during each of Leo’s near death experiences, the lightheartedness of his words during them goes directly hand in hand with both how close Raph is to him physically and how much danger Raph is also in in that moment. From a literal “I told you so” as Leo’s falling away from Raph to a soft joke about how “hero moves” are Raph’s style - both of these are on the more morbidly carefree side and both of these notably take Leo farther away from Raph and, in turn, have Raph not in immediate danger.
On the other side of things is the apology from Leo, heedless of the danger he himself is in as he seriously and genuinely speaks to a Krangified Raph face to face. Then there’s Leo’s freezing and desperation as Raph takes a hit meant for him and sends just Leo to safety, leaving Raph himself behind. Both of these involve much closer proximity and Raph being directly harmed - these together make Leo much more vulnerable in his words and actions, something not even the threat of death can make him.
These two care about each other so much, and they’re way too much alike for their own good.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt raph#rise raph#rottmnt leo#rise leo#honorable mention to the time Leo desperately tried throwing himself into harm’s way to get to Karai#and Raph is the one who has to pull him back#I also think that it’s interesting how both of them go about self sacrifice#because wow they both have problems with it#Raph’s tends to be immediate reactions not even thinking as he throws himself over his bros#Leo’s are often shown to be ‘for the greater good’ (said greater good often being his family)#once again I am saying that post movie these two would likely have codependency issues#considering Raph’s already present acute seperation anxiety and Leo’s immediate memory of Raph standing over him bleeding#another thing to mention is how Future Leo’s actual death still falls into the whole ‘morbidly lighthearted words’ category#I also wanna point out that in Many Unhappy Returns the trust that Leo wants so much does NOT come from Splinter but from RAPH#side note but in regard to the fighting that Raph and Leo were up to during the time between the shredder and the krang#I think it’s interesting that it’s NOT depicted as screaming matches - very blatantly not this actually#also also! I totally love how the movie parallels Oroku Saki and Karai with Raph and Leo respectively#there are so many parallels in general in this show+movie it makes me froth at the mouth#and because it breaks my heart - the beginning of the movie had Raph getting angry at Leo and lashing out at him#the end of the movie has the Krang very very angry at Leo and lashing out at him#both of these times has Leo ‘ruining’ a mission so…bad parallels#in the movie as well there’s a Krangified Raph who beats Leo senseless#so I have to wonder if Raph and Leo just…can’t roughhouse anymore#else Leo would flinch or Raph would be so scared to accidentally hurt Leo like he was already used to do before#then suddenly their usual dynamic of Raph never having to be softer with Leo is thrown on its head#worse is if they’re so terrified of this dynamic leaving that they power through their own sufferings to maintain it
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i do a light chuckle once i remember hofmann and semmelweis are friends but then i remember semmelweis and marcus' suitcase interaction where they talk about her and i am once again inconsolable about this old woman's death
#reverse 1999#semmelweis#greta hofmann#certified storm moments#i miss hofmann so bad i know ill start sobbing when someone brings her up again in chapter 7#r1999 shitpost#i still think their canon ages are bullshit and theyre both older than canon in my head but yeah semmelweis is half hofmann's age (19 to 38#bluepoch i prommy you won't start profusely bleeding income if you make a character older than their mid twenties. i promise you that#nothing more but hofweis rambling after this you have been warned#anyways you mightve seen me here or there mention that i ship these two and. yes the age gap is a central theme to how i percieve them#semmelweis lived the dream (see how i say this in past tense) she bagged that old woman </3#the inherent angst of your partner being so much younger than you and close to death thanks to a terminal illness yet in the end#its actually you that dies first. and she ends up finding a cure to illness and ending up immortal. something something 'i will never see#how old age looks on you. you are breaking my heart.' and how it applies to both of their perspective towards the other#one went to vienna to (unknowingly) die and the other went there to live#koshka-sova said it best its a pair that dances round life and death. and can't forget about the inherent workplace yuri#also its funny thinking of marcus unwittingly finding out through either her arcane skill or some other method her mentor's coworker-friend#got it on with her. like i think the two start bonding because of hofmann but then one day marcus approaches her with haunted eyes and#shakily goes 'd...did you. did you and madam hofmann..? my arcane skill said. that you and. did you two......?'
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I just found a little piece of paper that I wrote some qualities I wanted to have a few years ago and I’m like. So happy now. I’m doing so much better. It gets better.
#It breaks my heart that I put “love myself” in quotes#cause I thought it was bad to even want that#It gets better#I even learned how to spell happiness since then look at me go#recovery#mental health#I don’t know when I wrote this but I think it was probably around 3 years ago#And it took time and hardships but I���m better now#This little scrap of paper is like 3 x 3 cm and I stuck it in a jar in a box in a cupboard for three years cause I was scared#trust me when I say if you’re not doing okay right now it gets better#I used to kinda hate it when I saw people say this because I was like “when?”#But it’s true#anyway#its still tough but I’m happy#I’m confident and positive and I do love myself#I’m still kinda scared to say that but :)#yeah :)#anyway yeah#emu rambles
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trophy hunting
[ID: a digital drawing of maki harukawa from danganronpa v3: killing harmony. maki is standing dead center, with a blank, almost thousand yard stare, and a neutral expression. she is holding a black and white checkered piece of fabric, with a splash of bright pink blood on it.
behind her are three panels. the first panel, towards the left shows a crossbow, the strike-9 poison bottle, the antidote covered in blood, and a bloody handprint. all of the panels are in greyscale, except for the bright pink blood. the second panel, in the middle, shows kokichi oumas clothing with blood running down the back. the final panel shows kaito momotas jacket, with blood running down the sleeve. END ID/]
#one of those days where i think about makis place in trial 5 huh#im pretty sure i was thinking about this piece#with the idea of makis initial 'kill ouma even if it dooms everyone else' plan#because it ruins me. maki harukawa chapter 5 slays me and i love her#sick with so much rage and grief and a need for justice above all else#it breaks my heart. the fact that she thought ouma was ALIVE and taunting her almost until the very end#and she STILL chose to disclose her plan and try to steer everyone into making the right choice#hi i have normal thoughts on chapter 5#maki harukawa#im not tagging the other two#bc i mean. its just clothing#but they're here#drv3#ndrv3#danganronpa#image described#joeys art
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"IENZO WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE LIGHT ARE YOU DOING" Ansem the Wise cries, bursting into the computer room just after Ienzo (age 8) ordered Tron to broadcast "10 hours of placid forest sounds occasionally interspersed by the call of a cuckoo" across all of Radiant Garden
..
...
actually. hey. shitpost cancelled. do you ever think about how it is Tron finding a buried file within the computer that miraculously caused the entire world to remember Hollow Bastion's true name through pillars of light and sparkles? until then, none of the citizens remembered that it was called anything other than Hollow Bastion. like. the computer is not only a massive city-wide defense system that can be twisted to instead summon Heartless within the city, it can wipe an entire world's memory and replace it with false ones, and it did. all controlled from the castle. easily. what else might they- Xehanort obviously, but also potentially Ansem the Wise- have done with that power? it can get so unbelievably dark so quickly
#kingdom hearts#radiant garden#ansem the wise#ienzo#me post#me: I need to write a fucked up fic about it now#the specter of the violet room putting its hand on my shoulder because it already did it in a way that's as fucked up as you can get:#which for the record was imbuing the citizens with an illusion of safety to prevent rebellion :) nothing is wrong in radiant garden :)#I wish I could just say go read the violet room but the ienzo backstory chapters are just a small fraction of it#it's really not about this at all. I could talk about it for hours but it's not about this except for the relevancy of the themes#but if you want to go find it anyway it's the violet room by sarehptar on ff.net chapters 10 “storm” to 12 “dissonance”#starting from the first “teloiv” scene break line with “he cuts dark shapes through the frost...”#that's his whooooole backstory though not just the part with the spell and iirc it's like novella length so bhjskdfhsjk#anyway. I could still write something fucked up. I'll just have to be careful not to accidentally copy something else#the nature of the bluejay is every so often they just start thinking about violet room again
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I was watching hotd edits and reading atla fanfics and my brain just exploded
They are variants of each other, their suffering mirrors each other’s
Their awful marriages they were forced into
A royal or high standing family that has some connection to fire, a power or tool they lack
Their one eyed sons who were so kind as children and later grew to be harsh( zuko and todoroki both were able to learn to be kind again and to not lash out or shut down every time they’re upset, Aemond sadly did not learn that)
The absurd amount of blame they get for the way some of their children turned out ( yes they hold some blame, but I’m always hearing about what they did wrong and not hearing nearly enough about what the fathers did wrong, to me those men are primarily to blame; viserys targaryen, ozai and enji todoroki i wish all of you suffered more(ESPECIALLY ENDEAVOR HE DID NOT DESERVES TO JUST LIVE PEACEFULLY HE SHOULD HAVE DIED) Especially because they too were victims and were often doing the best they knew how to do for themselves and their kids even if it wasn’t enough or backfired massively (alicent)
Oh my tragic girllssss
#alicent hightower#my darling imperfect victim#i love these women#i will defend them till i die#especially#against men#i do want to be clear for hotd i am firmly team black but i understand and love alicent Hightower#ursa#i will love you forever girl#she wasn’t a bad mom#even to azula#and i stand by that#she just didn’t support the cruelty ozai was fostering in her daughter and azula viewed that as rejection or seeing her as a monster#I don’t blame azula for thinking that#but she is not a reliable narrator for what Ursa was thinking#she didn’t tolerate cruelty and both she a azula are victims#its neither of their faults#it’s ozais fault they motherfucker i hope it felt like his soul leaving is body whe his bending was taken#i wish he died a slow and agonizing death in the dungeon#i wish his body rotted while he was still alive and his eye fell out#like viserys#rei todoroki#she and ursa are very similar and failed in similar ways#her inability to look at some of her children because of the trauma enji put her through will forvever break my heart#you know what endeavor also should have gotten the vizzy t treatment#my hero academia#avatar the last airbender#house of the dragon#zuko#aemond targaryen
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always sort of a shock to the system when i remember ppl know sonic 06’s plot more for the fandub than for itself. which is understandable given the og is a mess, but idk its kinda sad bc theres some good stuff there (shadow’s entire story arc)
#dont dislike the dub at all ftr djdjdjdjjf im still very fond of it#but like…. idk i like 06’s story as stupid and messy as it is#i heart convoluted plots that are all over the place. sorry#echoed voice#i think the ‘’if the world chooses to become my enemy’’ trans shadow art shot that storyline up even higher tbh#especially bc elevated by shadows arc. hes literally been demonized and persecuted for what he is since he was born#his title game can be read as his agency being stripped from him from both the narrative AND the player#because black doom wants him to be his punching bag and sonic wants him to be his support#but shadow is in a vulnerable spot bc of his memory loss and lack of agency. some pathways are even abt him thinking hes a clone#with the legacy of a dead man hanging over him#keeping him from ever being his own person#and even tho thats not the case. its still a story about a teenager being emotionally manipulated and abused for who he is#and he finally reclaims that at the end of the game by defying EVERYONE and doing it his own way#even though i hate how hes working with gun in 06 and beyond. other than that 06 follows up on that theme so well#bc mephiles sees shadow as a self assured person and shatters his newfound ego with his demise in the future#where he was scapegoated for the worlds problems and humanity jumped to imprison and/or kill him despite the good hes done#and mephiles’s goal is to break shadow psychologically. to keep him at bay by telling him that no matter what he does#the world will try to kill him anyways and theres no point in fighting for himself. much less the world#and it gets to shadow for a bit but by the end. he realizes that even if what mephiles says is true. he’ll keep going#‘’even if the world chooses to become my enemy. i will fight like i always have.’’ taking off his inhibitor rings to unleash his full power#like….. fuck. thats powerful#iirc it’s ambiguous whether mephiles is lying but tbh. i dont think he is given how shadow was treated after gun raided the ark#like. yeah i do think the military and public would scapegoat shadow. hes ALREADY been scapegoated several times#anyways. all that to say that yes. reading shadow as a trans allegory is extremely powerful to me
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Everyone look at how cute the dr stone ed tarot cards are ....
#Dcst#its funny also because i thought tsukasa would definitely get strength but i also thought he might get justice but then he got the world ..#also because the earliest versions of strength featured someone breaking a stone pillar which i thought was so funny and on the nose#in my heart i still believe in hanged man tsukasa though because of his everything. just everything about him#when will we get empress xeno and judgement stanley ... i think they also changed gen from the magician to the hermit in the full spread#the test tubes for senkus temperance imagery makes me smile and its literally the perfect card for him.... masters of our own fate.....#i really dont know what card i would have given ukyo though he plays such a difficult to define role in the series. hes yellow#the fool is another perfect fucking pick for chrome self explanatory. and emperor is also very ryusui...#i was looking through the pentacles suit and ryusui would make such a good ace of pentacles too...#ughhh its so cute that they gave kohaku strength because shes a lioness... i thought they were gonna give her some dumb shit like empress#because shes a girl but this works so well.... and they made suika the star too in the full spread...#OH THE HANGED MAN WOULD BE BYAKUYA do you like this idea ? even though i wanted him to be the hierophant#it doesnt matter because i know nothing about tarot. and besides none of these cards matter in the face of the fucking best card ever#the taiyuzu lovers card ... like genuinely nothing else means anything after i saw that .....#ill post it on its own later because its actually the best one
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man especially having now read the flashbacks i think about how hard xie lian always tries and how many people have told him that he tries too hard, that he never should have bothered and that doing so made things worse, or even more commonly just hating on him for not fixing things or being arrogant or whatever they think his problem is. and some of those people are probably even coming from caring places!
but before hua cheng, had anyone ever sat next to him and said, you tried and that's good, it matters that you cared, you did your best. nobody could have done better than you.
how badly must xie lian have needed that?
#tgcf#tian guan ci fu#heaven official's blessing#the donghua is making me emotional#this arc made me emotional in the books but what can i say people crying in my ears makes it worse#GOD the way xie lian loses his temper for a /half a minute/ bc he's spent centuries in silence about this#got stabbed through the chest and buried alive to preserve lang qianqiu's heart#and now it's all destroyed#and then the second he realizes that he did something as mild as shout at the person responsible#he breaks down apologizing??#and like. its funnier with the romance parts later but its the same thing#xie lian is still human he can't stop himself from feeling or reacting to things#but he can hate himself for it. he can apologize for ever mildly inconveniencing someone else with his humanity#i don't think he internalizes what hua cheng says here at all#but. at least someone SAID it#at least someone told him what he did mattered and what he intended was worth something#after all that time#and like. you wonder how he can be so cheerful all the time usually despite all the shit that happened to him#but it's because he thinks he deserves every bit of it!!#i feel for hua cheng on a spiritual level i would also move mountains for this poor man if i could
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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holiday season sucks
#im chill about it and that's the part that kinda breaks my heart#being home these days feels like a freakshow#sucks worse this time because i actually was so excited to come home this year#and it really hit me like wow. this is just not the place for me#there's just no scenario where i feel good about it. even though i'm chill??#i guess what i mean is like. i'm not tearing myself up over any of it#i could be a lot more sad angry upset etc about it if i wanted but i just don't really mind#and there's a part of me that wishes that i cared more because i deserve to feel safe and welcome with my own family#but instead i just still here like :/ well. i guess this is just how it is.#and i'll spend the rest of my life coming home and feeling like the court jester#and i dont rlly miss it at all.#but its like i have this weird sense of duty. that i should be the best son i can be because i wasn't the daughter they wanted#and i just think of all the things i want to do that i know i'll never do because i have this thought in my mind of *maybe*#if im good enough for long enough then they'll get used to it. but i cant do anything else#i wasted all my rebellion on transitioning and anything further would be over the line#i should be proud of the person that i am and to almost everyone else i am proud#but to them i just feel like. well this is me i guess your disgusting cringefail daughter with mental illness#tryiing to make up for existing. whatever#and thats what the holiday season has become. which sucks.
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Also it's annoying that her only response is well you should just live away from me if this stresses you out so much. Yeah mom it's not like my body is trying to self destruct all because of YOUUUUUUUUUUU
#my back might not be in so much pain i cry evrry time anymore but i still cant fucking do so much#i cant make my own bed i cant bend its so hard to just#i want to die bruh#and yeah thats makes sense a college dropout is going to be able to make it aomehow allll on my own#study while i send you money? what money#she only says thus as a way to console herself that shes somehow doing me a favor that im staying here#as if every person im this country doesnt sray in this parents house#sometimes even after getting married#but ig im a hirl so that doesnt count#ok#if my back was normal#if i didnt meet that person#if i had literally single person on my side#i can say any number of thungs but ultimately ut doesnt matter#if my mom cared enough i wouldve been fine#thats the end of it#its just hars because it feels like my heart just breaks every day#you would think if your daughters body is constantly in pain in some way you would like idk actually wonder how im coping
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call me a softie or vanilla but i refuse and reject divorced zukka. nothing against people into that, but it’s too much heartache for me. they’re so complementary and in love, why wouldn’t it work out? sure, it takes them forever to get together, and once they do, there’s bumps in the road and issues they need to work through individually and together. but they’re committed to each other; let’s not forget how determined and stubborn they both are. and while i do agree that if someone were to leave it’d be sokka, why would he? zuko is strong, beautiful, kind, intelligent and so so loving. he sees and hears sokka, knows and understands him intimately. he treats sokka like he’s the most precious thing in the world. zuko has laser like focus on sokka, sokka’s never an afterthought; he’s never taken for granted. he’s cherished and spoiled, because zuko gives sokka anything he wants. he gives sokka all of himself.
they’re best friends, they’ve seen each other grow and mature from scrawny teen soldiers to powerful leaders each in their own right. they’re both responsible for their people, they’re both aware of the limitations and burdens their jobs impose on them and their relationship, so there’s no false expectations or misunderstandings there; which is why they’re so willing to compromise! who could understand sokka’s obligations as the leader of his tribe more than zuko? he’s the firelord! not to mention, they have matching interests, and yet they’re different enough to always stimulate the other. sokka finds zuko’s dark and deadpan humour hilarious, and sokka loves nothing more than to make zuko laugh to tears after a long day of work, with his brazen wit and spot on impressions of zuko’s ministers and entourage.
sure, it’s easier when they’re young and hakoda is chieftain, and sokka can spend most of his time in the firenation as ambassador; when it’s sokka’s turn to step up as chief of the southern water tribe it gets harder, but zuko visits him as often as he can and they keep in touch regularly. when izumi is old enough, zuko abdicates as fire lord, and sokka wastes no time in moving zuko in with him for good. i absolutely see them grow old together, a pair of gorgeous silver foxes.
#zukka headcanons#atla zukka#your honour i just want to see them be happy and in love with each other#i already blocked the divorced zukka tag because my heart breaks everytime but somehow it still makes its way onto my feed lmaoo
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I have a compromised immune system and I feel like I've been sick at least 80% of my life. I can't imagine how it must be for people worse off than I am :(( my heart really goes out to them
#i just get sick soooo much#like i cant tell you how many times i got sick JUST this year#i went to my heart doctor yesterday and they said my lungs still arent healed from when i was sick with that respirator infection last month#its only just so scary for me#i mean i know i always come back from it but thats probably because im young and in fairly good shape#what happens when im old and not in the shape im in now? :(#anyway life i just scary i feel like i cant catch a break#i just dont know how much more i can handle
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my existence makes me feel awful for my family
#they really wanted someone so much better. im 21 ive done nothing with my life and i cant tell anyone im disabled#mum hid it from everyone but her entirely and now i cant say a thing or ill get her in drama and ill have to keep lying anyway#i had to lie about all the abuse and they saw through it but i still have to lie anyway for all of us i cant say i dont have a job#bc i have no id no nothing to my name no bank account no literally anything and that i have to take care of mum bc they would all just get#mean and give me a million questions and yell at me and dad already stopped talking to me for weeks bc he wouldn't listen when i was trying#to say the id stuff is convoluted ''why cant i just get it with you'' LEGALLY I DONT EVEN HAVE A DAD BC YOU REFUSED TO BE A PART OF IT AT#AT FUCKING ALL AND MUM HAD TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE AND DIDNT WANNA HIT YOU WITH SINGLE MOTHER TAX#I DOCUMENT WISE JUST STOPPED EXISTING I HAVE NO SCHOOL CARDS EVEN LIKE NOTHING AT ALL SHE LOST MY BIRTH CERT BOTH OF OURS AND I JUST?????#im sick of getting into fights about everything. my granddad is dying and i barely see him because dad doesnt like me anymore and its scary#trying to talk to him at all bc he'll yell if i stutter he'll yell if i tell him ive gone out snywhere at all he thinks everyone in the#world is just drooling to assault me but he's violent and scary so i cant tell him that anything has ever happened to me bc the one time i#even just vaguely told him someone wasnt nice to me he threatened to tie them to the back of his car and he's attacked my stepdad with a#screwdriver and thankfully he wasnt hurt badly hut like. im so scared of my dad. and it breaks my heart bc he used to be so gentle to me.#hes always had a bad temper i have haunting memories of him chasing me and mum in his car but he never once hit me. but the more i remember#the more i realise that he fucked me up honestly just as bad as mum did. im constantly scared of getting yelled at i cant be loving with#anyone not sincerely bc im terrified theyll leave me theyll hurt me and im always proven right and i miss my best friend and i miss my dad#i wish i could tell him about anything in my life i wish i could tell anyone anything all the secrets all the expectations n the way i know#everyone views me is killing me inside my family thinks im fat lazy selfish worthless dull stupid they think i dont even like seeing them#but they actively push me out every single occasion i see them i barely even have any photos with anyone i never get happy birthday messages#or calls or anything they all just forget i exist until they have to remember and i cant trll them any of my life bc ill get yelled at by#dad or called a liar or ill have one of my deepest secrets spilled to the entire family while im sleeping again.#whatever sorry
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