#still awkward but at the point in the story we are now they're back to normal friendship

[skyahri]

Arranged Marriage |Zuko X Reader| HC

Summary: Caught up in his personal conflict, Zuko completely neglects his marriage.

Warnings: Arranged marriage, forced marriage, whatever. Mentions of violence. Angsty Zuko and reader. Fem pronouns.

Masterlist Ko-fi

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You'd married Zuko a little over a year into his reign as Fire Lord. You're the oldest daughter from a noble family, and the council decided it was best if Zuko married someone well liked by the community.

He didn't take it well. He was still hoping Mai would come back to him, and you being there completely obliterated those chances.

Not that there was a shot to begin with. Mai had made it abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with Zuko, even if she admitted to still having feelings for him.

Your relationship was staged to be perfect in the eyes of the people. Young love against all odds sort of thing.

The marriage ceremony was beautiful. Your robes were elegant, the flowers were perfect, and even your soon-to-be husband was handsome.

Zuko was charming towards the guests, really selling the story and gaining a lot of trust with his people. He was awkward but personable, something everyone ate up.

But he wasn't like that with you.

As soon as the two of you were away from public eyes, he didn't so much as look your way.

You slept in different rooms and ate at opposite ends of the table. He excluded you from as many duties as he could, stating something about him not wanting to concern you.

Life in a palace was pretty isolating. The only people you could talk to were servants, and even then, your topics were extremely limited.

You'd taken to the gardens as much as possible. It felt nice to be outside and even better to see the plants and animals.

Tending to the flowers was one of the few things you were allowed to do without constant eyes on you. The lonely atmosphere felt intentional instead of forced.

But after a year of this, not even the newly budding flowers could heal your disdain. Your once bubbly exterior had been chipped away by the dread and disappointment that lingered in your heart.

You were truly just a shell of your former self by this point.

There was no change with Zuko. He'd made no effort to get to know you or even just not hate you. Any attempt you'd made in the beginning to soften the relationship had been put out the moment it left your lips. It seemed like public pleasantries would be the extent of your marriage.

You'd long given up on trying to befriend the older women who waited on you. They had no desire to be anything more than the people who got you through the day.

You'd given up on trying to sneak away with the kitchen staff to the market. They feared being held responsible for you, even if you claimed to be plenty capable of taking care of yourself.

All that was really left to do was to just stay quiet and look pretty. The sad fate of the Fire Lord's wife.

You'd been laying in bed all morning. It was one of the few days where nothing was planned. No meetings, no guests, no events- nothing.

Well, at least you thought.

"Miss Y/N, Lord Zuko has requested your presence. We must get you ready immediately."

They'd dragged you out of bed and stuffed you into a pair of your nicest robes. They're doing your hair up and rushing to cover your face in makeup.

"Why am I being summoned?"

"The Avatar and his friends have arrived. They were the ones to request you."

"I see."

It made sense. You had met the Gaang at your wedding, and they were everything you'd expected; kind, loud, and passionate. Just like Zuko was said to be.

At the time, they'd promised to come by often, but you hadn't seen them since. You'd heard something about the rebuilding of the air temple and having some unexpected issues arise, so they just hadn't had time until now.

You met Zuko at the front gates. His friends arrived just after, allowing the servants to take their things to their rooms. Without a word, Katara grabbed your arm and dragged you away with the other girls. You turned back to see the same happening with Zuko and the boys.

They pulled you all around the surrounding area. For the first time in a long time, the dread started to fade away.

You'd bought some new incense, hair pins, and seeds for the flower beds. They were small purchases in comparison to the others, who had gone all out with new clothes, trinkets, and a heap of spicy snacks for Sokka.

You'd suggested several times over the last few hours that it was time to head back to the palace, but only now that it was growing dark did the trio actually listen.

Just as you had begun packing up, a string of explosions started on the next block and made its way towards the plaza you were in.

Toph was quick to make a stone barrier, but that didn't stop the cloud of soot from staining your skin and clothes.

A group of men had emerged from the smoke and revealed themselves to be Ozai supporters. Not everyone was pleased with the fundamentals Zuko was running the country on, so rebels had started causing a bit of an uproar.

Katara, Toph, and Suki did their best to take the men down swiftly, but that didn't stop you from getting injured in the process.

Your forearms had been severely burned when you'd covered your face from an attack. Katara offered to heal you, but it'd have to wait until you got back to the palace where her spirit water was.

The trip back was uneventful. Some of the local guards stationed in the city had insisted on escorting you guys back, which at this point you couldn't deny.

Apparently, word had already gotten back to Fire Lord Zuko, who was waiting at the front doors of the palace for your arrival.

He immediately stepped forward and picked up your hand, letting the scorched fabric fall and reveal your burn. He did the same with the other and sighed.

"Please give us the room."

You watched as everyone filed out of the room, the guards towards the exit and your friends towards the south wing.

"These are severe,"

He cupped your face in his hands and tilted your head so he could get a good look. His thumb swiped over some of the soot on your face.

You were confused by his actions, but the pain from your burns created a bit of a blur in your mind, keeping you from thinking too hard about it.

"The others couldn't protect you?"

"They did what they could. I apologize for the hassle-"

"Why are you apologizing? None of this is your fault."

You opted to stay silent. You weren't sure what to say. This is the longest conversation you'd had in private since you'd met, and you were finding it hard to navigate.

It was silent for a minute. The vibe was awkward, and you desperately wanted to hide away from all of it.

His face contorted slightly, like he wanted to say something but couldn't. You didn't pry. It didn't feel like your place to ask.

"Why don't you head to your room for a bath, and I'll have Katara meet you in there once you're done."

You nodded and made your way down the corridor. You stripped down and opted to just toss your clothes in the trash. Between the ash and scorch marks, there was no saving anything.

The second the water touched your wounds, you winced. Tears pricked your eyes as you watched small bits of charred skin go down the drain. The pain quickly went from a sharp sting to almost mind-numbing. You sat down and let the water just run down your body while you waited for the brunt of the discomfort to pass.

In your hazy state of mind, you hadn't heard the knock on the door, so you were surprised when Zuko entered in much more casual clothing.

When he saw you hunched over on the shower floor, he didn't say anything. He moved to the side of the tub and went to touch you, but you weakly swatted his hands away.

"I'm not comfortable with you being in here whole I'm naked."

"I'm your husband-"

"You're a stranger."

Ouch. Harsh but fair, and he knew it.

"Look, I know I haven't been good to you over the past year, and I'm sorry. We can talk about it more when you're feeling better, but for now just let me take care of you."

Satisfied with his response, you stopped resisting his help. You let him wash your hair and scrub your skin. His touch was gentle despite how rough his hands were.

He never once made you feel uncomfortable. He was thourough but never lingered. It was almost as if this was a normal occurrence.

When he was done, he offered you a towel and left you alone in the bathroom to get dressed. When you entered your bedroom, Katara was on your bed, but Zuko was nowhere in sight.

"Just me. Sorry to disappoint."

"No, no. I'm glad you're here."

You sat in front of her on the bed and let her examine your burns. She positioned your arms for easy access and opened her canister. You watched the water glow and the skin slowly heal itself. It was amazing, nothing like anything youd seem before.

"So," she broke the silence, "Has he warmed up to you at all?"

You were surprised by her words. You weren't sure how much they knew or what all you should say. Last thing you wanted to do was incriminate him.

Sensing your hesitation to respond, Katara clarified her question.

"I know everything, at least, from his side. You can be honest with me."

"Honest?"

"Honest."

A small smile crept onto your face.

"I think you're friend is an ass."

"I couldn't agree more."

You told her everything; the loneliness, the isolation, the lack of, well, everything in your relationship and life. She listened, something you're eternally grateful for. It felt nice just to get it off your chest instead of suffering silently.

"Today was the greatest day I've had in a long time. I got to leave the palace and talk to people and for once it felt like my husband didn't hate me."

"Zuko doesn't hate you."

"Could've fooled me."

"He doesn't hate you. Just talk to him. I know he has a lot to say, and it seems you do as well."

Once your arms were healed good as new, Katara left your quarters and returned to her own. You'd crawled under the covers and passed out, completely exhausted from the day.

The next day, you took Katara's advice and decided to speak with Zuko. You woke up early, before the sun had risen and made your way to his room.

He was surprised to see you, much less in your nightwear at such an hour. He invited you in nonetheless, where you then entered and decided to sit on his bed. You patted the spot in front of you, and he hesitantly sat.

"Katara said we should talk."

"Okay."

Sensing that he wasn't going to be the one to initiate anything, you decided to get the ball rolling.

It was a long conversation. Zuko confessed a lot of things, mostly about bitter feelings towards life and guilt over his actions. He apologized for everything and listened to everything you had to say. He made a lot of promises to be better.

He stuck to his word. He began including you in anything you were welcome to. Dinners became more personal, and eventually, you started sleeping in his room like a proper married couple.

By the time team Avatar had visited again, things had visibly changed. You were both happier, and your once fake marriage had become real. You meshed into the group just fine, making the pseudo family that much bigger.

All thanks to a simple conversation.

[loveafterdeath-if]

Yeah, similarly to what another anon said, I was kinda hoping for this to be a story about moving on after losing a lived one, specifically your partner, which I thought was a beautiful and heartbreaking concept, and while we did get that in the first few chapters, it feels like this plot twist kind of defeats the whole point.

Though, unlike the other anon, I personally will probably continue reading because I think you are an amazing writer and because I love Ekissa. The only thing that makes me not sure about continuing is that the situation is a bit awkward, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, so I was wondering about how you were going to manage it? Because MCs moving on process obviously gets cut short, but for those of us who are gonna romance someone else, we still need to finish that process, and one important thing when moving on from an ex is time apart, especially for one you were grieving not so long ago. Otherwise old feelings, nostalgia and a lot of other emotions get mixed up and that would probably lead to confusion. (Sorry, for the long paragraph, just a bit worried about how this is gonna continue)

It's heavy spoiler territory, but I'll have to address this for anon. And it'll be a long-ass response, so be prepared,

You are right about one thing, the whole plot falls apart if El is alive, doesn't it? And like someone said in the LAD discord "why love after death then". They didn't phrase it exactly like that, but you know what I mean. The plot does start with El, but it won't end with them. Idk how to explain without giving away too much, lol

There are clues that El isn't really dead in the first chapters. The flowers MC receives, and now players know El was the one offering them. The doc and Athiel never talk about death when discussing El. MC doesn't have the right to go to the funeral or even see El's body. Even L being called by Juliet at the beginning will have its importance. They're small details, nothing too obvious, but they're here.

I'll be honest, sometimes when writing Athiel talking with MC, I struggled to remember El wasn't dead because I tried to make it look and feel like El was dead, so I drowned a bit in that department.

The characters might seem like a lot, but each has their own purpose, big or small. Some are a breath of fresh air for MC since they're not caught up in all the drama and can be objective. Others are here because they'll play an important role later. Then there are those who serve as reminders of the past with El (like the neighbors). And some are just like those background characters in anime; you don't even see their features because they're just there to serve a small purpose and keep the intrigue going. They come and go.

Sorry, I'm talking too much. So how I'll manage it, is by—and it's where it's gonna get tricky—make MC aware of it as soon as possible. There will be a reunion between MC and El. The tricky part is showing that El won't remember MC, no matter how much/if the MC tries to jog their memory.

The past El is dead; the memories won't come back, and if any fragments do resurface, El won't feel the love they once had. It's more like a ghost of memories; their body remember, but it's more mechanical than actual feelings. Like an old habit that won't go.

MC will have to grieve the old El anyway, even with them actually alive.

In El's route, it'll be all about falling in love again, getting them out of this toxic relationship with their mother, helping them learn to love themself again, and living with someone who is El but not the El you used to know. They have trauma, the confidence they once had is gone, they're insecure and they're more reserved than before.

Juliet is like, the first villain before introducing the final boss. What I wanted to do was weave two kinda plots in the same book because I didn't want to make two separate books. Love After Death is Love After Death for a reason. The plan is to make the players realize that El wasn't the focus of this book in the first place.

I hope there won't have any inconsistencies in this story, but if you find any plot holes, you're free to let me know, and I'll do my best to improve. It's only with advice and constructive critique that I can do so. I'm sure there are blind spots I won't see right away; I'm only human😭

[kinardsevan]

What is your opinion on Tommy coming back or not? And in they case we see him again, do you think it’ll be just for closure (ex: Abby in season 3) or maybe for a BuckTommy second chance?

fun fact: i was considering doing an entire breakdown with a bunch of Oliver's interviews from the start of this arc until now to point to my opinion:

Tommy is coming back. The romcom theme is still in effect, and we're only about midway through the 3rd act.

Long story short (and without sources right now), I think that the interviews were actuallly pointing in this direction with the wording for a hot second. We have OS telling us that he thinks the best relationships have a "will they, won't they" bit where the audience and the characters are pining. We've seen this play out on the show. And we also have to remember that Oli knew during this interview that the breakup was coming. We also have the interview (I believe it was the Decider one I linked last week) where he mentions choosing to fight for the relationship or not. I feel like a lot of people have taken the context of that and twisted it into "they didn't do it right away, so they're not going to". Except, there's ANOTHER quote of relevance, which is Oliver talking about how Buck's queerness isn't tied to Tommy or Eddie, and only to himself.

Obviously, there have been things said since 806 that would point towards me being delulu, except, here's the issue: TM, OS and LFJr are NOT going to tell us that Tommy is coming back if that's the intention. It would spoil the surprise of it all, and the win of it all. What fun is there in that? What TM has said is that Tommy is Buck's romantic past but that doesn't mean he won't turn up again in the future (all relevant and true facts which do not shut down a reconciliation). Lou never out-and-out said he was done with the show. He's said time and time again that he wants to come back. TM has mentioned Tommy coming around again. OS literally said in an interview "they may run into each other on scene and have it be awkward".

Now obviously we don't actually have the full story with how things went down and the show decided to go with splitting the boys up. I think the fact that Lou has called out the bullying but says he wants to come back suggests that it wasn't him saying it was too much. I have two theories that could honestly run concurrent with one another:

Evan and Tommy break up in 806 at the end of the episode. With 911 having 18 episode seasons, this quite literally only makes up the first third of the season. It set up the beginning of the year for us. We're now two episodes into the second part of the season with a pretty clear idea of where the next three will go and suggestions (by fans, nothing official) that the "soonest" we could see LFJr again is 812. This is reasonable, as it would be the end of the middle of the season. Knowing that TM has suggested he might do a multi-episode season finale, pushing LFJr back into the show in 812 (or even the end of 811 if we go with my theory that Eddie could possibly leave around this time and Tommy helps them pack up/his and Buck's first time spending time around each other again), there would still likely be something around this time period that would be around when they would open the doors to this. As it is, we know that 809 and 810 go together, and then we'd have 811 to really flesh out the end of Buck's fling. I think there's even more possibility of LFJr being in this episode as well because if the plan is to bring them back together (which everything has been suggested so far ON screen in terms of keeping Tommy "in" the story), three-episode arc gives us several things: a. it allows the show to make the point that Buck's queerness is not intrinsically attached to Tommy; that his interest in men is as equal as he know his interest in women is. b. it gives them the ability to also show that his feelings for Tommy are not based in Tommy being his "first", or Evan needing to "discover" more about himself. They're in love with each other, and the show has given us the pieces for that. LFJr has acknowledged it in an interview, Tommy loves Buck. We also know that Tommy's line to Evan is "you'd end up breaking my heart, and I don't think I could deal with that". When I hear that sentence, what I'm actually hearing is "I'm already in love with you, and if I let myself fall more in love with you by being with you every day all the time and this ends, I won't survive it". By relation, we have Josh ask Buck if he loves Tommy and Buck waffles, but I think this has more to do with his lack of understanding of what a healthy love is in a relationship, given his past relationships. He never got to tell Abby. Ali left. and saying I love you to Taylor wasn't about the core of actually being in love with her, which I think is another important piece for BuckTommy: they don't just love each other, they're in love with each other. Still, sometimes it's hard to quantify that feeling, and I think (as I've referenced before), for Evan it was easier to ask Tommy to share a living space with him than to share how he feels about him because historically, things haven't worked out well for him when he's been in love outwardly. Further, the questions Josh asks Evan are directly correlated with loving someone, and Evan answers yes to all of them. (I don't think I need to add this, but he also sees a future with Tommy, talks about being engaged or married. He's serious about Tommy in a way he never has been before.)

There's also the theory that the breakup happened because of scheduling conflicts. Now obviously the show could've found other ways to work around LFJr's scheduling issues by having Tommy go on a trip or what-have-you, but let's remember OTHER things that have been said by OS in prior interviews: a. back in June, he did an interview where he stated that he wanted and hoped that BuckTommy would go through issues that couples normally go through in their first year together. He wanted normal issues. This storyline IS normal. b. he didn't want to repeat Tarlos. By the very definition of what the show is doing right now, we're not. Tarlos and BuckTommy are their own things with their own reasonings.

One of the other things I also keep being pulled back to is these issues: first of all, we know how LFJr plays with the 911 demo, given that they got to see it last season. It's why he was written into more episodes after his initial four episode arc and brought back. ABC has also used BuckTommy in their own adverts, which suggests that they are very supportive of the relationship continuing because it draws in viewers. Truly giving that up for good feels like dousing yourself in gasoline and then considering striking a match. Second, people also keep calling out that TM only plans a few weeks in advance. I believe this is true with story beats. We know that the writers room has a general idea on character arcs, thanks to some of the discussion on the cheese page post-806. I really struggle to believe that TM didn't know going into going forward with the breakup whether or not he wanted to bring LFJr back. We know he waffled back and forth on the idea of the breakup, meaning he probably had other solutions on his mind for whatever LFJr's schedule needed adjusting for, and this is what he decided on. Also, even if 8b hasn't been broken down yet (we know it hasn't), they would still know at this point what they do or don't want, what their ideas might be. Solidification for why Tommy should be brought back is directly shown in the reaction by the GA and the fandom to the breakup. They may not know exactly how that reunion happens yet, but what they have suggested is that Buck's new relationship will be short-lived. That he's using it to cope. We also know he's still processing the break-up and still misses Tommy. These are all things that point to the story not being over. Plus, I feel (once again), if the story really was over and they didn't have plans to continue this in 8b, LFJr wouldn't be talking about wanting to go back. It be far more "yeah that sucked, but it's over now and what can you do? I'm off to this new show and I'll never be back." (I've commented also on the fact that the fangirlish interview comment about his "i'm going here, doing this, have some opportunities" statement is very run-of-the-mill. Obvs I could mean something. Or it could literally just be a canned answer.) (This might feel a little off-center, but I think his commentary on trusting TM and knowing what he's doing in one of his post-806 interviews directly suggests that he believes the story is going to be handled properly.)

I realize at the end of the day, all of what I'm piecing together could mean zilch and Tommy could possibly never come back. They could truly just drop the story and never circle back around, set fire to a beautiful arc and lose thousands (possibly millions) of viewers. I've certainly suggested myself being one of them. But I don't see BuckTommy only getting an Abby fix for two reasons. LFJr wants to come back and continue the story, and Connie Britton only ever intended to do one season. Also, the fling has been called out as being planned to be short-lived. Why bother mentioning that if you don't have other plans for the story.

The last thing I'll leave you with is my commentary from the interview Oli and Aisha did with the guy from Chicago. That reporter obviously liked the BuckTommy storyline and said he's choosing to believe that the relationship is paused, not over. By relation, we had Oliver say three things: (1 and 2) Buck is still looking for love, both in himself and with another person. (3)The season is only half over. Circle that back to 806-808. Buck is finding love in himself by dealing with it in a healthy way (so far) with the baking. We've also seen the "cracks" Oli mentioned with his continued urge to want to text Tommy, as well as him fighting it off by baking (referencing the "pendulum swinging"). Looking for love in others will likely be this arc where he tries to deal/move on. I feel like we collectively watched the end of 806, and then 807 and 808 yelling at the TV "you're in love with him, piece it together already!" (or maybe that was just me???). But truly, whether it's a fling, his therapist, or Bobby/Maddie/Eddie who finally spells it out of or him, I think there will be a point at which we see that come to fruition. The seeds were sewn in for it in the scene with Josh. Now it's just about watching those seeds sprout.

Final note: we've had a good run up to this point with these two. Did we truly thing that the honeymoon phase would last forever? (I didn't. Conflict and the pink bubble popping have to happen eventually.) If we really want to suggest that what BuckTommy has is real, they have to go through this and come out the other side. I think everyone is justifiably frustrated due to the 4 month wait on new episodes (I personally would not have left people hanging quite like this, but that's just me), but the narrative does lead us toward what the show is doing with the suggestion that it does have a natural (and good) conclusion. (Possibly with a helicopter/truck/jeep crash?!)

And just as my singularly LAST note, here's my other thing: Evan and Tommy both have abandonment issues. (Tommy's are clear based on the break up and we know Buck's.) By that correlation, when these two finally get back together, they're never going to fucking let the other go.

(This was so much longer than I intended it to be, but that's my answer 😂😂😂😂😂😂)

[sleepy-grav3]

The Moon Child Part 2

Part 1

A/n: Wow. I posted the first part to this and you guys like- rushed to it like starving animals holy SHIT... Should I be scared???? anyway- here ya go

Summary: Danny meets the Aqua Family and gets the love he deserves, plus a little comfort.

Tw: hurt/comfort, bad parents, mentioned discrimination, angst, ghost animal cruelty, swears, objectification, fluff

I forgot to mention Danny goes by he/they pronouns, Atlanteans know a lot of animals, and gender is weird sometimes so they aren't assuming anything and that's fair since Danny could shapeshift if he wants

The Moon Child Part 2 - The Moon Loves the Sea

Warm. He felt warm while in his core. And he could feel the soft cushion he was placed on. He heard the stories that Aquaman Arthur would tell him about all of his adventures and the rambles about his family. He was even told the secret about his stepbrother, Orm, who's death was faked and now lived on land.

It was... nice. Safe. He hadn't felt so loved in a long time. Or, at least, he thinks he hasn't. He had lost track of time while in the labs. It was painful to think about. Visibly so. Apparently, when he drifted into those dreadful terrors, his core's soft light would flicker into a dimmer one which resonated with his sobs. Arthur or his wife, who would keep him beside them at all times, would pick him up each time and hold him close to their heart.

"It's alright" They would say. "You're safe now."

Their heartbeat would always calm him down. It pulsed out reassuring feelings with each beat of their hearts. It was soothing and he never felt so safe. Not even when he was alive. To think he needed to die to feel this way.

It took a while for the pain to finally go away, but he soon felt ready to come out of his core. He couldn't recuperate as much as he wanted to. Not to use his full abilities of his ghost powers. No, there wasn't a massive supply of ambient ectoplasm like in Amity. He learned that what he was absorbing the most was the magic, which acted as a saline solution to blood (which he was pretty sure his blood was fully ectoplasm now).

It was interesting how magic tied in with ectoplasm. He wondered if that's why summoning worked best for those in the realms for that reason. Maybe the specific rituals to summon them even tied closely with their ecto-signatures? It's an interesting thought really.

That isn't the point though. What is, is that he was healthy enough to come out of his core.

"Ok, Danny. Deep breath. Here we go-"

-

Arthur was doing his usual thing: struggling to wake up in the morning and only really doing it because he didn't want to worry the literal spirit of a god. And it's not even because they're a god, but because they're a child. Should he have kept them in the same room. He feels like that might've been a better choice than just leaving them in a room next to his.

Arthur shook his head, rubbing his eyes as he swung his legs over the edge only to jump at the cold feeling of the floor.

"All kinds of water magic and they still can't stop the floor from being cold."

He huffed, getting up and picking out some casual wear that didn't have a bunch of jewelry with protection runes. Some normal clothes to hang out with family.

Kaldur came back yesterday, so they're having breakfast together. He hoped that he'd believe the whole moon deity thing. Kaldur was pretty good and believing new things, but this was their main religion they're talking about. Religion is iffy, or at least it was for those on land. The ocean folk are... extremely loyal.

Should he worry about them trying to destroy the new moon...?

He shook his head. No, they probably couldn't get past the layers of the atmosphere. Hopefully.

He walked out of the door, now thinking about how sea creatures would even pull that off before knocking on the door of the room next to his.

"It is uh, me. Again." It never sounds less awkward. Maybe I should try adding the dramatics?

And with a twist and push, he opened the door only to freeze with widening eyes. The stone wasn't there.

"Oh my god- I lost-"

Only to hear a chirp. he flinched, attention darting over to the full body mirror on the other side of the door that pushed into the room. A door he was going to have fixed to avoid heart attacks like these.

He let out a huge sigh of relief, walking over and bending down with a crooked grin.

"Well, good morning. I didn't expect you to appear for a while. But hey! Perfect timing! Kaldur's going to be joining us during breakfast today, so we could introduce you guys! We could meet Orm soon too! I bet he'll be absolutely surprised!"

The child only looked at him with their big wide doe eyes. Hope sparked in them, but anxiety kept their body tense.

"You... You were serious about it? About me meeting your family?"

Arthur placed a hand on their shoulder, he could barely notice the cool temperature of their body before he saw them jump. He was going to pull away his hand, but then the child relaxed a bit more. It was as if they hadn't had affectionate physical contact in a long time.

"Have they ever been anything but a moon? Are all moons like this? What about other planets? Earth... we have so much pollution. If it were alive..., would it only just barely be clinging?"

"Yes, I was and still am. You're a part of it now for as long as we live. And even when we pass, you will continue to have a place in the ocean. You might not have realized this, but the ocean worships you like a god. In fact, I think I'm going to have to talk with the Justice League about offering an apology gift of some sort."

The child blinked, eyes wide and glistening as a layer of moisture sparkled more yet made the eye look foggy. Looking closer, Arthur could see how moonstones came to be when they cried. It would hurt if it was a literal stone the kid cried. Like- like kidney stones! He was thankful that it wasn't like that.

"You... You aren't scared of me being dangerous to them? You don't think I'm evil or non-sentient?"

Arthur blinked. What?

"No... Nobody- Why would anybody think that?"

The child pursed his lips into a thin line, averting his eyes. With each blink, a silvery white liquid would start to drip and condense to the moonstones he found.

"I... don't know how things work around here... But on land... I've... They don't respect the dead or those associated to the concept. I've tried to keep both sides from trying to destroy the other- but... but..."

Arthur took a breath, pulling the spirit into his arms into a tight embrace. They clung to their veil that was wrapped around their arms like a shawl.

It seems that he had some lore to read up upon and some things to investigate.

-

(This bit's about Danny's POV. It'll be continuing with his while he meets everyone)

Danny didn't know what to think when he looked at himself in the mirror earlier. He didn't have a shirt, but the scarf thing was comfy. He could make it into some kind of make-shift shirt if he wanted to too. His memory on how to do it was... foggy and fractured. Some parts of speech were muffled and what he saw from that time would blur or seemed made up.

He knew the person teaching him.

Why can't he remember them clearly? He could hear whispers of something in his head telling him who that was.

And when he pushed that thought aside, he'd look back at other memories and realize who that was.

Tucker. How could he ever forget about Tucker? Why was he forgetting him?

What made it worse was how much he had to stare at the damn mirror to get the knots right. His chest... it wasn't ever that clean. No Lichtenberg scars. No burns, no cuts, no incision scars. Nothing. It was clean of any of his failures. His struggles. His learning experiences.

And yet... he still imagined them being there. Each time his fingers would brush up against places where he knew scars should've been, a shot of pain would spike as if he'd been electrocuted.

It hurt.

He hated how he remembered.

He hated that he didn't.

He used to remember all of it. He did when he was sobbing for days on end.

Now, it was foggy. Now, it was hidden away. He couldn't reach it.

"Oh my god- I lost-"

He chirped in surprise, turning with widened eyes. Oh. It's just Arthur. I really need to get out of my head.

Arthur walked over, looking slightly drained, as if he was relieved of a sudden weight placed on his shoulders. And by the vibes, Danny's guess seemed right.

Relieved Happy Happy Excited Nervous Happy

He was always so cheery in the... well, what seemed to be the day. Sucks to be out now that he thought about it. It would be rude to just fall asleep at random now that they could physically see if he's awake or not.

Arthur greeted him warmly, cheerily saying how he didn't expect him to come out of his core as if the event was a surprise gift. That... was confusing to say the least. It's easier to have a pet rock than a guest. Now he has to feed him to be polite, or at least offer. He has the room covered since the beginning. It was a really big room. A waste for something someone like him.

He felt his body freeze and start muffling sounds when Arthur started mentioning Kaldur and Orm. His family. Close ones, from the stories he would tell.

M4Dd13 and J4Ck would never allow strangers near him, much less Jazz.

"You... You aren't scared of me being dangerous to them?" He couldn't stop the questions from slipping out even when his expression shifted. "You don't think I'm evil or non-sentient?"

He doesn't even know how he could even think of himself as otherwise. He could remember the custom-made, high voltage tasers that targets his ecto-signature itself until he acted how they expected him to. How they wanted him to.

His eyesight became extremely cloudy. It was similar to the green he'd see before he would start crying after he couldn't cry water anymore.

Ghosts... Ghosts cry ectoplasm. What... What was he crying? What is he now? He was- Why wasn't he gone? He was Ended, wasn't he? They got rid of his heart and crushed his core to determine the durability- there wasn't a way to come back from that.

So why was he alive?

Why can't he-

"-think that?"

Shit- he wasn't paying attention.

Danny couldn't bare to look at the man, guilt eating away at him.

"I... don't know how things work around here..."

He could barely register that it was his voice.

"But on land... I've..."

Why was he still touching his shoulder?

Why isn't he disgusted?

Why isn't he scared?

Why isn't he angry?

"They don't respect the dead or those associated to the concept. I've tried to keep both sides from trying to destroy the other- but... but..."

But they destroyed me instead.

It was all for nothing.

Why didn't he listen to the Ancients?

Why did he just kill people?

They already expected him to do so anyway.

So why didn't he?

He couldn't feel the hug he was pulled into until he stopped crying.

What was he even crying about?

-

Ok so- Maybe Danny should start scheduling his breakdowns. So far, he's had ones at random or ones that goes on for multiple days without any stopping. Or- if he did stop, he really doesn't remember them.

But this is getting embarrassing. He was lucky Kaldur came home late or else they might've either came late or completely missed the breakfast reunion.

Ugh- and don't get him started with anxiety.

His eyes must be puffy or something. Great first impression, Danny! All ya gotta do now is cry again in front of everyone to make it one of the worst introductions in life.

Well, it wasn't really a good start even without him. Arthur had just dropped him onto a very cushiony chair and exclaimed: "Thank the seas! I'm starving!" And just went to devour a whole plate before calming down a bit with Mera scolding him.

He was just awkwardly watching until a plate was placed in front of him. He slightly tensed, attention going from his plate to the hand pulling away from the plate now that it was down. That's when his eyes made contact with Kaldur's. He seemed a bit startled to, as he blinked owlishly before smiling politely.

"Hello, I'm Kaldur'Ahm. You may call me Kaldur."

"U-um.. I'm..." What should he be called now? Phantom didn't feel as right anymore. Ah, what the heck. It's not like they know little ol' Danny Fenton. "I'm Danny." For some reason, that name didn't feel too right either.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard that you've been in a stone, so I was surprised to see you carried in by fa- Arthur."

Curious Happy Happy Nervous

Danny relaxed a bit, turning to his plate once eye contact became too difficult. He picked at his food

"I didn't have much strength when I first formed. I wasn't meant to even have a body but I... didn't want to be discovered and have my core cut up and carved into for some jewelry or something, so I forced myself. you could say it's like... an energy conservation form."

Danny started to actually eat his food, though a bit quicker than he usually would. Stress eating, how lovely.

"Is it a lot of work to stay as you are now? You don't have to stay like this if you're too drained." Kaldur started to fret for him, looking for any sign of strain.

Danny, feeling the worry from him, smiled. It's been a while since someone was worried for him.

"I recovered enough energy that I have a bit extra. I can't do a lot of the things I could before, but I don't feel any pain anymore. So, I'll be fine."

Kaldur relaxed a bit, though still held a slight frown.

"Tell me if you ever feel anything. I'm more than able to hold onto your core and protect you."

Danny hummed, continuing to eat. That's about the time Kaldur remembered that it was breakfast time and started- no, continued to eat from his plate. He must've served himself when Arthur started to or even before that.

"Hey hey hey! Now that the kid's awake, why don't we take a family trip toooooooooo" He dragged out the word as Mera glared at him. "-my brother's grave! I bet he'd love to meet you! And on the way, we can go to the burger place and shop for some clothes, meet my dad-"

Danny looked over at Kaldur, who shook his head fondly at his obvious father-figure. Really, that slip up wasn't getting past him, no way, not possible.

"Don't mind him." Mera sighed. "He's an idiot."

"Hey!"

"Danny, you could always say no. We could go a different day." Kaldur mentioned.

"Danny?" Arthur questioned. Mera rolled her eyes.

"Pay attention, will you?"

"No, it's fine." Danny shook his head with a nervous smile. "I'd like to see him too."

"GREAT!" Arthur exclaimed, making Danny jump and Kaldur wince at the volume. "Hurry and finish your meals! I'll call over the pups!" and then he ran off.

"Pups?" Danny asked.

"Sharks." Mera clarified with a fond sigh. "Ever since he heard someone call them sea puppies, he's been calling them pups and puppies ever since."

"That's... really cute actually." Danny snickered.

"He sneaks away to play with them all the time." Kaldur groaned, remembering the number of meetings he had to take over for the man.

Danny reached over and patted Kaldur's forearm.

"You poor child."

"At least you understand."

-

Kaldur... well, Danny didn't really know how to put it. He was really nice and all, but he was a bit...

"These earrings would look great on you." Kaldur hummed as he held up dangling pearls to his ears.

Kaldur's already bought 3 bags of stuff for him in the last 20 minutes since coming to Reef Town (completely made-up place, just go with it). He even had to adjust his ghost clothes so he could wear the pants and shirt, and other stuff that were bought for him. He still kept the veil since it was really soft and soothed him when he rubbed it between his fingers.

"Ah, but this goes with your clothing... Perhaps we should order one to be made in Atlantis?" Kaldur trailed off, mumbling about different shops and what materials they had along with design names Danny had no clue about. He was almost sure that some of those words were made-up with how they sounded.

"Oookaaayyy- how about we think this over later?" Arthur insisted, a hand on Kaldur's shoulder and the other taking away the earrings in his hands. "We have someone to meet in... about 5 minutes."

"Right, sorry! I got distracted-"

"You're fine, you little urchin." Arthur chuckled, pushing Kaldur towards the door. "Now let's go meet Orm!"

Danny felt a hand on his head. It was a gentle, motherly touch. It nearly made his core let out a purr. Only Jazz could do that with touch alone. Though he nearly started to do the same when they'd mark where they'd cut next. They didn't do that as often with how much they liked to see his organs and bones regenerate.

"Tell Kaldur if it's too much. He's just really excited to have you around and is used to having to give something to keep sea creature friends around."

Ah, he knew that voice.

"Ex..cited? Why?" Danny looked up at Mera, leaning into her touch.

Mera smiled down sweetly at him; her eyes were filled with love that would be pointed to her own child.

She didn't have that drunken lust M4Dd13 had in her eyes each time she came back.

It made his core flutter.

"He sees you as a younger sibling. He's wanted one for a little while now. I... I can't get myself to try again, so he didn't expect to have a sibling. He was really excited to meet you after he heard that you agreed to stay with Arthur. You didn't reject my touch either. I hope it was fine that I held your... core, was it?"

Danny felt her finger card through his hair. He melted at the soothing touch.

"Yeah. It's... it's everything to a ghost. Heart and soul. And... I heard about you from Arthur while I was in my core. And you were the reason Arthur knew to comfort me. So, I knew I could trust you."

Mera smiled a bit more brightly and knelt down, hands holding his face with all the love in the world before she placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I'm glad. Now, let's go catch up with the boys. I'm sure Kaldur and Arthur must be panicking."

Danny could barely follow after her, having to make himself float as she grabbed his hand to lead him outside. Everything was too fuzzy and happy; it was hard to focus.

-

"Did you kidnap a child spirit?!"

That was the first thing Orm said when he saw Danny, immediately looking at Arthur incredulously as he slammed the table with his hands.

He immediately walked over and knelt down in front of Danny.

"I am so sorry about him-"

"Hey! I didn't-"

"-he's an idiot and really doesn't know any better."

"I didn't kidnap him!"

Orm arched a brow at his brother before looking over at Mera.

"No contracts were made."

Orm looked back at Danny.

"You went with him willingly?"

Danny snickered. "He looked like an idiot."

"You too?!"

"You really can't blame him." Kaldur agreed, smiling over at Danny.

Danny giggled and looked back at Orm.

"I'm Danny."

"Orm, that idiot's older brother. Stepbrother. Now, why did a saintly spirit decide to tag along with this family?"

Mera walked over, placing a hand on Danny's head again. He leaned into it, barely able to keep in a purr.

"You remember the incident with the moon?" Orm nodded. "Well, they're the spirit of the moon."

Orm's eyes widened, head snapping right back to Danny.

"You- you're-"

Danny blinked. He's a what? Wait, not the time to dissociate-

"Is... Is that bad?" Danny hesitantly asked.

"No! Not at all- I just- I've always believed in you, it's just that- Seeing an idol is a bit of an experience-"

"An idol?" Danny questioned, looking up at Orm. He was still kneeling, doesn't that hurt?

"Well, I've heard stories about how you'd battle against the sun gods and sent blessed rain to heal those under incurable plagues. That you split your own soul to assist physically on this world to help those that roamed on it! I've traveled to different places on the land just to see your descendants. And what beautiful white features they have. Did you know that humans call them albinos?"

"Really?"

"Yes! They deserve a better name that fits the position of blessed descendants! The fools!"

"I-it's fine, really! I'm glad they're doing ok and- and that my blessing still lives on."

Orm sighed and stood up.

"You're much too kind. Even after they replaced you, you don't hold it against anyone."

Oddly enough, he felt his chest tighten. It was as if...

"Someone has to do my job in controlling the currents, right?" Danny smiled sadly.

The others seemed to feel sympathy for the spirit, Kaldur going over and pulling him into a hug.

"It's alright. The ocean will stand by your side. Forever. They still worship you even now. So don't think you were only a tool, ok?"

Danny nodded. "Ok.."

He fought back against the tears.

-----

A/n: well, that was a bit longer than the last one. I was planning to write more for this chapter, but I'll just add it to the next one. Sorry if it seems a bit stiff, it'll be better eventually... hopefully.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed.

[bengiyo]

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo: We Are So Fucking Back

I am glad that we are all having a normal one in reaction to Hwang Da Seul's latest project (@chicademartinica, @dropthedemiurge, @shortpplfedup, @lurkingshan). I'm still meditating on the whole affair, but for now want to get into how Hwang Da Seul feels so compassionate to closeted men, and how I also am stuck on the removal of the cross (@my-rose-tinted-glasses).

Shan already linked back to The Knowing, and I keep thinking about how rare it is to see two boys who've already come to an understanding of themselves meeting each other, and also including a bully who knows himself. What stands out for me with Hwang Da Seul is how old the pains weighing on her characters feel each time.

Dohee has suffered the abuse of his father, abandonment of his mother, and dissolution of his closest friendship, and he's just pushing through to leave all of this. His pain is obvious and lived in. He doesn't have to sit around moping exclusively about how he feels, because it's ever present. Like anyone else living with chronic pain, you just have to do stuff while hurting a lot of the time.

Juyeong is so fascinating to me because his exuberance and passion makes it almost impossible to hide who he is, and I will always be a sucker for the characters who love so loudly that you can't turn it off. I also keep thinking about how he has been communicating his attraction through his eyes so often, and how he's made desire known through all of his careful flirting.

The building romance between them hits for me most because they're paying attention to each other. Dohee made food that he realized Juyeong would like, is careful about hurting him in their sparring matches, and went for the ice cream that Juyeong said he wanted. Juyeong heard Dohee say he wanted to see snow, and so he made snow for him!

Now, back to that cross. Rose's post and one @benkaben posted have been rattling around in my head for hours. We know that Juyeong's mom is a pastor, and that he's being sent here as essentially conversion therapy (as Shan already pointed out). It's not just that he takes the cross off before confessing, which clearly shows that he's setting everything associated with that aside. It's that he's also confessing through a wall. It's such a small detail in how you can set aside the weight of responsibility and guilt associated with your queerness, but you don't lose the cultural touchstones: for some Christians (I was raised Catholic) you confess your signs through a mild layer of anonymity by putting some sort of wall or separation between you and the priest. There's something so subversive about having Juyeong set down his cross but still confess his feelings like a Christian.

I am also curious where Hyeonho will feature in the rest of this story. It's clear that he and Dohee felt something between each other at some point, and that Hyeonho ran from it. He doesn't want Dohee to get hurt too badly, and he's observing the growing relationship between Dohee and Juyeong. I'm so happy this character exists, because it gives us three characters struggling with the pressures on them to be a certain way. If we had to have a character who will make ugly choices around that, it helps for it not to be part of the main pair, and it also shows that these boys have not been the only queers around that they knew of.

Finally, let me just thank Hwang Da Seul for not being precious about the kissing. I like that their first proper kiss was their second kiss, and I like that it was awkward. I loved them false starting multiple times, trying to make sure they weren't observed too closely (considering their history), and I like that they built back to it. I know that kissing early means we're in for much pain, but it's so nice to have a show not dance around the kissing, or have it be especially mild. I like when two boys like each other and go for it.

I'm so happy that Hwang Da Seul is back. Every time I watch her shows I feel like I'm talking to someone who understands what the inside of the closet looks and feels like. I always feel seen by her in a way that feels gentle. She lets me remember how scary and ugly all of that was without it being a triggering or jarring experience. Peak drama season is upon us, because we're also about to get Love in the Big City in just three days. See you all on the other side.

[rootspiral]

Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 7 part 2

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2][3][4][5] ep6 [1][2][3] ep7 [1][2][3][4][5][6] ep8 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9] ep9 [1][2][3][4][5][6])

from this moment on we follow the events from Lilia's point of view, experiencing time out of order like she does. nonlinear timelines are extremely difficult to convey onscreen, and the writers manage it so well that I still have to see someone confused by the way things unfold.

from a linear pov: lilia fell through quicksand with jen, she regained consciousness in a strange underground tunnel where she met rio. then she woke jen up, told her what billy did and that they were about to join the tarot trial. they hid from the salem seven. now they're on their way to meet the others.

from lilia's pov: she fell through quicksand (or should I say the Swamp of Sadness?), she had a glimpse of her own very near demise. then she found herself following jen through the tunnel. she has yet to meet rio and she doesn't know they're going to a trial.

see how jen immediately contextualizes where we're at? this is for us, the viewers, so we don't get too lost.

'where is rio', is the question that has been tormenting her. she just saw a glimpse of where she'll meet rio, plunging to her Death. but the loss of other people has been haunting her as much as her own.

love love love all the frantic panic patti conveys at the mention of wanda, as I imagine she doesn't give a shit about marvel and frankly can't be bothered to learn any scarlet witch lore. acting!!!

jen, now alone with lilia without alice acting as a bumper, is being real crabby with her. she thought they were bonding just a minute ago and now lilia's being annoying with her eccentricities

and just... the way she's talking to jen a moment and to alice the next

i miss you, sweet bub

and no need for any further explanation. we know exactly what's happening to lilia.

and just like that, she's talking to her maestra. lilia, what do you see? that has always been the question, hasn't it?

i would give my life for you, baby lilia

ah, capisco! you're visiting, eh? and this tell you two things: number one, how much of a (real and metaphorical) gift talking with the past can be. yes, you're seeing the long dead. no, you cannot bring them back. but you can still learn from them and put their wisdom to good use.

and number two: the importance of having a coven, or rather, a community, a support system. lilia's new coven treats her with awkwardness or even scorn, they don't know her, they don't understand. lilia's maestra doesn't even flinch talking to a woman from the future in the body of a little girl. she knows lilia's time works differently and she rolls with it. 13 or 500 years old, it's all the same, lilia is beloved and will be accepted no matter what.

lilia finds herself at her very first divination lesson and once again is dismissive of her own gift. maestra calls her out immediately: fesserie! bullshit!

this is the story of a great Seer who told herself she wasn't any good, who went into exile, who fled the company of her fellow humans. she chose to be seen as a fraud, isolated, humiliated, rather than to be hated and feared for what she could do. she closed her eyes and pretended not to see the horrors ahead.

I adore this transition between the tea leaves and the tunnel

again, no alice to deescalate. and lilia finally, finally speaks up. jen is the most unforgiving person in the coven and, arguably, the one whose opinion lilia respects the most. the high priestess.

and, to her credit, jen is willing to listen. to her credit, despite the dark path calling her, when jen sees something that she can fix, she is willing to try

I'm gonna do a play-by-play of what ms. lupone does here, because it's nothing short of mesmerizing. she raises her hand, trying to grasp at words. she looks down, the looks to the side. her hair has crumbled, she looks like a girl in pigtails. she is so small and scared.

she reaches out, bitter, sure, and nervous, but so eager for someone to understand. she takes deep breaths, tries to steady herself.

she cannot finish her sentences, her lips are trembling, she's shaking with small sobs. her eyes get so big. patti never goes over the top, she's reaching somewhere deep and intimate and raw. but you can't call this performance understated, there so much bubbling under the surface, and patti is perfectly in control, she's letting it out drop after powerful drop

she takes a moment to catch her breath, to feel the pain of it all

and jen... understands. lilia has done something so scary and vulnerable and brave. she has showed herself at her most defenseless, and she hasn't been rejected. and jesus christ this is what a coven is about, and it's what they were all missing. jen has seen lilia's burden and she has accepted it. from now on, she will help carry it.

ms. lupone. patti. how can you just walk on the set of a random superhero show and dominate it.

jen suggests the end of the Road might give lilia her powers back, but she is STILL so afraid to embrace who she is. she can't quite finish that thought because

WHOOPS

go to episode 7 part 3

[andy-wm]

On a personal note...

This is a personal story, so feel free to scroll on past (if you're only here for the Jikookery I can respect that).

I'm posting this because it's connected to what Jimin and Jungkook (specifically Jimin) may or may not be doing with this album and their travel series "Are you sure", and by that I mean coming out publicly as queer and as lovers. If it sounds vague, it is, because I don't know what they're doing yet. I don't know how far Jimin is taking this or what direction he'll go. But if he is going to make his private life public, then my post is relevant even though my experience is a microscopic spec 0f what he will encounter.

I live in a conservative little town on the edge of a big city, we're almost the last stop on the metro train line. This place has 10 000 residents and a reputation for being a little on the rough side. It's not a bad place and the people are not bad people but they won't step aside if you pick a fight, lets put it that way.

There's one high school in our little town, and I am the school librarian. I also run the school's pride club and when I started it 5 years ago (that's when I joined this school) it kicked up a bit of a stink. The community had mixed feelings. I wasn't out as trans at that point, only as queer. The school principal supported the club but wanted me to keep it quiet (I didn't). She wanted me to be appeasing (I wasn't). And when we had challenges from homophobic students, she wanted me to 'let her handle it' ( I didn't).

I responded to bigotry with patience and kindness, modelling the behaviour I expected and having many many conversations about prejudice, the patriarchy, learned behaviour, fear of the unknown, and minding your own damn business....

When I came out as trans to the school community - changing my name and pronouns - I faced some real push back from both staff and students. Students were less openly hostile but sometimes the subtle attempts at bullying are worse. My line manager was really difficult about it. I was a hot topic of conversation. It wasn't a good time. But I stuck with it, partly because I couldn't go back and partly because the Pride Club students were so empowered by what I was doing. They thought I was really brave. I couldn't let them down.

It was a tough time for me personally. Every day was a struggle as I navigated my wavering sense of identity and tried to be true to myself. Most of my family and friends were okay with it but some were not. Some flipped back and forth, some thought I had lost my mind. I had to let a few people go from my life, including one of my closest friends. I've lost a few more since then. I've cried more in the past few years than I have in my whole life and I am pretty tough, so you gotta know - it was a lot.

Fast forward to now. The pride club is well established, homophobia still exists but it's less overt and it's no longer ignored, and we have staff who are active allies. It's definitely a success. Our students to have a safe place where they can be themselves, and slow change is coming to the culture of the school.

It has come at a personal cost though. Not a HUGE personal cost but enough for it to matter. I am recognised and known around town because, well, most people in small communities know each other. But more so because of my role in the school, and because I am the only out and vocal queer person on school staff (yes, there are other LGBTQIA+ staff but they keep it quiet, and I don't really blame them).

At school i still have to correct people on my pronouns on a daily basis, and occasionally a student will throw a comment my way but it's not often these days. I have to come out to all the new staff pretty much as soon as I first meet them otherwise it's awkward. It's just an everyday thing. It's not a big deal but it's tiring, and it's something cis/straight people don't ever have to think about.

What is tough, though, is sniping from the community at large every now and again. I have been targeted on community socials and I've had had some pretty brusque service from local shop owners and service personnel in local businesses. Sometimes I see kids from school at the shops and they point me out to their parents. I pretend it's because they're happy to see me (what the fuck else am I going to do - hide in the apple crate?) They may say a friendly hello... or they may following me through the aisles of the supermarket trying to menace me - yes, that has happened - I just have to wait and see.

I do have allies in the community too - like the gorgeous pharmacist who always gets my name and pronouns right and compliments me (on whatever he can think of) every time I collect my meds. There's a stern woman in the hardware store who makes a point of loudly correcting herself when she uses the wrong pronouns (often). I appreciate this, I really do, but honestly it would be great if she could be a little quieter.

I am not a celebrity by any means, just a small town school librarian. But wherever I go in my small town - to the doctor, the supermarket, the park, or the gym - there's a chance I'll encounter someone who knows my face. Sometimes that makes me nervous.

The point of this long and boring post is to give people who may not know what it's like, a bit of insight into the experience of a regular, everyday person who lives in a conservative place and who is both recognisable and queer. It can be exhausting, and from time to time I struggle with mental health issues. So I have no doubt that for people who are really well known, it would be much, much worse. They would be the subject of public debate on news sites and TV. They'd be tossed into arguments by politicians on both sides of the divide. They'd encounter hostility in person too, and that's really frightening.

So please remember that if the celebs you admire choose NOT to come out, it's because they've weighed up their choices and that's the safest option for them. Support them where they're at, so they can live their best life under the circumstances.

If they do come out, they'll probably need even more support. Please love them, defend them, celebrate them, and validate them. They need you more than you know.

And above all else, be a good human.

PS, no need to comment here, this is purely a PSA <3

[love-byers]

one of the things that makes me so confident in byler is the sheer amount of byler scenes compared to mlvn. and ESPECIALLY the final byler scene

we get like 2 solo mlvn scenes

their fight in el's room

and their talk at surfer boy's pizza

now let's count byler:

rink o mania fight

talk in jonathan's room

talk in will's room

talk on top of the car

talk in the van

talk in the cabin

SIX. COMPARED TO TWO

the last big scene/interaction we see of a character/couple in a season is super important and says a lot about what's to come

like at the end of s1, the last interaction we see nancy have is kissing jonathan on the cheek and going back to steve. she ends the season with steve. HEAVILY foreshadowing that the story is not over between them and there is more to come, there will be a big plot point related to nancy and steve in s2.

in s2 the couples are together by the end, like literally together.

lumax are dancing, mlvn are dancing, nancy and jonathan are both volunteering at the snowball, and hopper and joyce are hugging.

and the last solo interaction we see dustin have is with steve, implying their friendship will continue and be important in what's to come, which it did in s3. 

it's the same at the end of s3. the last 4 solo interactions we see are will and mike, jonathan and nancy, el and mike, and el and joyce. 3 couples, and then the moment that begins hop's letter. all very important.

in s4 we get a solo jancy interaction, a solo byler interaction, and a solo el+ hopper interaction. the final scenes. the jancy scene isn't exactly happy, they're awkward and jonathan is still lying to her about college.

so in the same episode that mike confesses his supposed love to el, the last time we see them in the same room she doesn't even spare him a glance? the final time we see a couple together is important. and they give us nothing. not only do we not know if they're together anymore, it's making us lean towards them not being together at all.

then there's this:

in s2, jonathan and nancy take a big leap from friends to lovers. HUGE leap. but after that, it's not acknowledged at all. things continue as normal. i remember watching 2 for the first time and getting a teensy bit worried that no one was talking about it and more drama would happen.

but then we get that last look, and we know without a sliver of doubt that they are officially together, and in love.

this is more proof that the final scene together between a duo is very important. imagine if they hadn't give us that jancy moment, we would've been so confused and upset. we'd think they were together, i mean they legit smashed....but then they don't acknowledge each other? that would've implied trouble.

it's slightly different for mileven because mikes monolgue wasn't their leap from friends to lovers, it was supposed to be their leap from childish, puppy love to real love.

but it WASNT

after the monologue, we don't see them speak. and this may have been okay if they'd done something. something to let us know they're still together in love.

with jancy, we did see them have moments before the snow ball scene, like nancy comforting jonathan and jonathan seeking out her comfort (a hug) when he saw will unconscious. but the last scene was still so important. they didn't leave us with nothing

with mlvn, we aren't left with nothing, we're left with less than nothing. we get to see them in the same room, and el doesn't even spare him a glance. she even seems annoyed by mike. it leaves mileven unanswered.

the jancy snowball scene is living breathing proof that the writers know how to leave 0 doubt surrounding a couple. they know it doesn't take much. all it would've take. was one look, one smile, to let us know mlvn are okay. and they chose not to.

not only did they choose to have el not acknowledge mike, they chose to have his last scene be with will.

let me repeat that. after mike confessed his supposed undying love for his girlfriend, his last solo scene with another character, the last we'll see of him for years until s5 is him with will, the person who's in love with him.

and it's intimate. it's mike reassuring will during a moment of fear and weakness that they'll kill vecna and save hawkins, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder as sunlight cascades down on them.

and the final scene of s4 reinforces everything i've said.

this has always given me the vibe of, 'there'll be petty arguments, drama, little crushes and lies, but when the world is ending, who do you grab despite all of it?'

jonathan and nancy grab each other. joyce and hopper grab each other. mike and will grab each other.

once again i want you to imagine you confessed your supposed love to your girlfriend, and then a week later the apocalypse starts. wouldn't you go to her?? stand by her??

mike didn't. he stuck with will. because mlvn just aren't that kind of relationship. but byler is that kind of relationship.

[spotlightlowlife]

A helluva sorry-ass trip

This is what apology tour should be called because that's what it was, mindblowingly maniacal and childish at the same time, literally WTF was that? Did two dimensions really collide like the Mandela effect theorist claimed? Have some of us shifted from an old reality of mature outlook and we need to get with it and allow ourselves to be conditioned to be in agreement with the tone of this story? Or are we just being gaslight?

Are we truly suppose to buy that Blitzø has this many exs and all of them believed themselves to be in a serious relationship with him and all of them are this hurt and this large quantity of them are willing to go way out of their way for this party?

Isn't Blitzø only in his mid to late 30s?

Wasn't he a busy and seemingly decent person living with his family circus for the first 20 or so years of his life?

Since when was Stolas his ex and why does he accept this title? Why did he feel the need to let him know about the anti Blitzø party? Where's his realisation after his sulk in the last episode where he gave Blitzø a choice but not really, the awkwardness at Ozzie's, or how their transactionship started, that this wasn't a thing?

This would be the perfect time to let us know how out of touch Stolas is, that not so deep down he's that little prince who pointed a stranger out that who he liked, then that stranger was bought to his castle for him to play with.

Near three decades later he has failed to assess that fond memory and still sees this person as his friend. He's someone who sits at home and learns ideals from dramatic tv shows, a big change from miserable, planned out life he would rather not acknowledge .

But no, that's not what we get.

Stolas tells us all the things he really want from a relationship and they're things that he could apply to anyone, totally impersonal to Blitzø.

Stolas sees romcom cliches, he's lonely, he wants what he sees for himself and Blitzø didn't live up to any standard he set, he claimed to atleast want the basics of a companionship, but for Blitzø, since when? The ambush? The few times he made doe eyes when he weren't looking?

We are supposed to make a judgement based on how pissed and miserable Stolas is and the fact that their are a bunch of like minded others, not taking into account that they all have a different story to tell yet we have plenty of Stolas x Blitzø to look back on to make a fair judgement.

Stolas is immediately flattered by the first person to make a move on him, infront of Blitzø, and they have fun together, invaldating all that the story tried to push recently. Blitzø could truly be anybody, so who at this point could watch this and still believe that Stolas is hopelessly in love?

The entire episode was yet another attempt to have us forget all we have seem of Stolas being the commanding and powerful presence who holds all the cards. Helped further by not one person giving a hoot that they're in the presence of royalty, yet agin.

Combined with yet a further attempting to give Blitzø pseudopower by reminding us that he's sexually active and outgoing.

It's clearly important that Verosika would fail to mention Blitzø stealing off her then leaving her stranded and dumped, clearly this could be a reminder that Blitzø is at the bottom of society and has had to be rutheless and maybe even a user to work his way up, but no, he was simply always 'that guy', that outgoing fun guy everyone just liked, a lowly imp that could make a sucubus fall in love and can even score royalty, but as we know, unfortunately this all now works because dispite lore being established, hierarchy means SFA.

None of this gives more power to those at the bottom or takes from those at the top, it just tells us that the classing system is a whole lot of nothing even though this also isn't the case at the same time.

The start of the episode was a perfect example of narcissistic coersion and grooming, it should be used in universities worldwide.

Place side by side the Blitzø x Stolas content from the earlier episodes, where Stolas hit up Blitzø whenever he pleased, spoke so dirty he had even Blitzø cringing, was more interested Blitzø's presence than quality time with his daughter who no longer lives with him and this all started when Stolas cornered Blitzø into sex upon him being caught stealing.

Remember these things as Stolas now tells Blitzø how inappropriate his regular and unchanged behaviour that was supposedly attractive is, he us sarcastic and gives him the silent treatment, yet will speak up to rant at him though arguments can only go one way.

Stolas's tantrum is because Blitzø didn't give him whatever answer or reaction he hoped for when he ambushed him in the previous episode with a choice but not really and he wasn't going to stick around to hear anything that didn't suit him, you know, the respectful thing to do.

Blitzø's every word is wrong, points irrelevant to their fallout are more fuel for this, he isn't heard, respect and his input doesn't matter, so he then goes on to aggressively try and to prove Stolas's criticism wrong by showing how accountable he is by apologising to those he wronged, even when it was arguably unnecessary, firmly letting us know that Blitzø is unspecifically yet definitely in the wrong.

People, if you see this as a good thing, this isn't the way.

Blitzø's accountability was not of his accord and Stolas as good as rubbed his efforts in his face by taking no notice at every stage and attending the Blitzø sucks party for ex's, which he isn't.

People, this is narcissistic abuse.

Another annoying thing was the towards the top of the list was Moxxie, but we saw nothing.

Why?

Because that would be grounds for a decent portion of time and effort as two leading characters may discuss things pivotal to the plot and their own development? A heart to heart and back to the main story? Nothing to do with sex?

Well, there's no room for all that complexity, so here's a few seconds of extras from a better time, with yuri thrown in, that will make up for all else.

[athousandbyeol]

keep up the thamepo [episode 3]

this episode is deliciously insane. so many things happened and there are so many things I want to say. but in this post, I think I want to focus on some little details about thame and po/thame and jun the most.

at this point, i shouldn't be surprised at how good thamepo is at switching the narratives, allowing us to perceive the story from both ends. but I'm still pleasantly blown away by every watch. I'm really happy that thamepo is courageous to show the story from two sides. i think it gives us (the audience) the liberty to choose or relate to the side we favour more. maybe it doesn't work that way for others, but I love how these multiple perspectives allow me to weigh the characters from both sides and not only one, somewhat giving me the chance to either 1) be biased of one side or 2) be open to both. i just think it's very well-executed and thought out. kudos to p'mui and her team for thamepo's wonderful structural premise.

it's such a treat that we're introduced to the friend arc in thamepo. it's about time we entered the minds of the members, while still laying out thame and po's thoughts and traits in the open. maybe it's just me (or how I actually write my stories) but I'm so amazed at p'mui's storybuilding and characterbuilding. i find it so fascinating because nothing feels rushed or uncertain. every choice she and her team made was perfect for the past three episodes. I'm in awe, really.

but the thing that surprises me the most in this episode is how the story is mainly focused on jun and thame, but with the lingering presence of po as the 'healer' or 'fixer'. he exists as a binder that glues thame with his members. and it's fascinating to see how po somehow camouflages himself to every member's personality and need, offering a different approach (with thame's guidance). po and thame made such a great team. i understand now how and why they'll fall (heels over head) in love with each other in the future.

1. after thame, jun loves mars the most

i was a bit scared last week because I never foresaw someone from mars to betray thame. it was never in my head. so when I saw last week's teaser, I believed jun wouldn't be the person some might assumed he would be. but thamepo has always been a surprise and very good at twists and turns, so I tried to be more open about it.

so… jun's a bit like a diva to me? he's kind of… a lot (at least to someone like me, jun intimidates me beyond my comfort zone). throughout this very awkward exchange between thame and jun, one thing I realised after I watched the episode again was they were actually covering up each other.

thame was trying to send jun a signal. jun received it. but he didn't think it would be a smart choice to talk about it in front of the reporters. so that's why he steered the conversation to (presumably) thame's benefit, in hopes the media wouldn't doubt him (because at this point the news of thame going on a hiatus was already released by the company). i think it's more of jun trying to save thame from further damage than breaking their friendship apart even more.

it's very smart of p'mui and the team to 'paint' jun as the bad guy initially because he did seem like a person that might stab someone's back for his benefit. i think it's the typical stereotyping of characters that appear aloof or unbothered—this coldness that jun exuded—many might assume jun would definitely go against thame.

but he didn't.

and it's an exceptional twist! (for me, it really is!)

thamepo is breaking the norms i see in many dramas of the past and like I mentioned, it's so refreshing to look at the story from multiple lenses all at once, but it was unveiled at the right pacing and time. very, very well done!

another thing that i find very interesting is when po carried out the interview with jun, even though it was mentioned that this was scripted, I believe this is everything jun wanted to say to thame.

again, they're switching the perspective here. in the previous episode, we knew that thame followed the script he was given because he lost his voice. his words no longer hold importance in the company. everything thame said to po for the interview was what the company wanted him to say. we (the audience) are aware that those were lies.

but here, i believe this is what jun wanted thame to know. he might never get a chance to say it to thame in this manner (because I see that jun is the kind of best friend who would say he hates thame when in fact, he loves him the most). it's 'PR' friendly but it holds this sincerity; everything that jun silently wishes for thame (when he embarks on a new journey in Korea).

it's amazing how they give us two things to ponder about the significance of these scripts: 1) a forced responsibility for thame, and 2) jun's inner voice that he couldn't express aloud (perhaps because jun doesn't want to sound/look sappy in front of thame [very very best friend behaviour right there hahaha]).

it's so heartwarming to me that thame isn't alone, after all. like baifern to po, jun is thame's best friend, someone he can confide in. I'm glad jun saw everything that thame tried to hide from the members. I'm glad jun really saw him.

and i have to say, this scene made me smile because thame is so leader-coded through and through. he took the blame for jun because he didn't want khun pemika to 'punish' jun (and take away jun's chance at debuting). thame's selflessness goes beyond everything I have in mind. I'm so excited to see to what extent thame helped the other members in the past because that would be one of the reasons for them to reunite—they just love thame as much as thame loves them.

along the way, thame might think he lost jun, but that's not the case. i guess both of them just needed something (or someone) to break the (very fragile) wall separating them. these two have so much love in their big hearts, but they aren't the best at communicating. so this is when po plays an important role as their messenger.

po is so crucial to mars because he advocates communication and peace. honestly, it would save po from a world of heartbreaks if he just minded his own business and got the documentary over with. but he is just selfless and has too much love and is too kind for the world—so he definitely would want to help his nongs. the bond they'll share is going to be so beautiful and heart-wrenching. God knows what will happen to po and mars (and us) once the company forces another separation between them (I'm ready to jump and cry my eyes out).

i can't help but think maybe some of mars's fans ship them (and I can see why xD). but these two are better off being the best frienemies. (but maybe in an alternate universe… who knows… they might be a thing…) [slaps myself] [drags myself away from the mic] ok that's enough delusional talk for today…

2. thame and po; "i find comfort in you"

when messages from the company buzzed into thame's phone endlessly, thame was visibly restless. he knew what he did was causing more damage to the company. but damage to the company equates to chances for his friendship to mend. so, thame took every chance he had to seize it, despite the circumstances.

in this scene, po addressed that thame should at least give a call or do something to clear the air. but I think thame has better judgement and control over the issue, that's why he ignored it and turned off his phone. clearly, thame was searching for a distraction. he didn't want to think about this problem now. he just wanted peace. and being with po gave him peace.

so they did this activity together; thame threading the thread into the needle while po was doing another fixing. it's a therapeutic activity for thame, and we can see how he immediately relaxes once po stops pushing the idea of confronting the problem right now. it's so thoughtful of po, and I'm happy that thame noticed it too.

all the while, his eyes were always at po. he was looking. studying. understanding. i think thame found so much comfort just in po's presence because of po's quietness. he's such a grounding figure, and I think it helps thame both grasp the essence of reality while also indulging in this dream-like sensation whenever they're together.

the stares… thame's smile. oh. by now I know, thame's feelings for po are certain. but how about po? i don't know about others, but to me, po's still struggling. still healing. still scared. but he's slowly opening up again towards the end of this episode. it's so bittersweet.

it's also very heartbreaking how po quickly apologised because he thought he caused another trouble for thame—and thame did the same, insisting he was another damage po needed to fix. these two deserve each other because they'll help each other realise just how important love and sincerity are. these will be their strongest suits when they're in a relationship, but also be a double-edged sword if they don't overcome their weakness: communication.

some words don't have to be spoken to be understood. this is when thame and po are speaking the language of love and affection. but they tend to keep everything to themselves whenever danger arrives. i hope they can deal with this together because if they don't, it'll be another gut-wrenching heartbreak for them.

i don't know if thame is aware of how po's world has turned downside up whenever he offers a promise of sincerity and comfort. i also don't know if po is aware of how thame's world has turned upside down whenever he offers a promise of peace and assurance. i hope they do. someday.

3. messages po didn't send — "i see you in ways I didn't before"

early on in episode one, we were informed that po was a clingy lover. it might be one of the things that earn despised (I'm just assuming this because they made po being clingy as a negative for his character).

po was restless. he knew thame would handle it well with jun, but he couldn't help but worry. it's clear that thame has become an important figure in his life, but to what extent? i think po's still clueless about it, too.

these messages, he kept typing and deleting. he wanted to send them, but he didn't want to come off as 'clingy' in thame's eyes. he didn't want thame to be annoyed or—hate him—for worrying—for caring.

but i believe, in one way or another, thame will enjoy this attention from po in the future. the messages po will send to thame definitely will help thame emotionally. it's going to be so vital in their upcoming relationship as they have to be secretive about it. these texts will save and heal them. i hope it won't destroy them, though…

throughout the episode, i was a bit frustrated because thame—friend—how can you not save po's phone number? or at least give him a call from po's phone so that you could have his number immediately?

but when i watched this episode again… i realised��� perhaps the reason why thame didn't save po's number—not until his friendship with jun was salvaged—was probably because it was at this point that thame was certain of his feelings for po.

thame has always had feelings for po, even from the first event he saw po briefly. but this was the time that thame knew he liked po, romantically. some might say it's too fast, but for someone like thame who might never have a chance for romantic relationships throughout the years of being in mars, meeting someone as incredible as po, how could he not harbour feelings?

when thame said he wanted to remember po's number, it was him wanting to remember po's existence forever—he wanted to keep po in his memory for a lifetime. it was thame accepting that he's in fact… in love with po.

the severity of his emotions is still on the surface, but it's more than enough for thame to act on it—to have po in every way possible. thame wouldn't want to forget his saviour, his future lover.

when he repeated the number after po, it echoed and reverberated not only in thame but also po. maybe at this point, they're almost reaching the same line, but po needs a little more push to come clean with feelings. and I have a feeling next week will be po's trigger in accepting his fond feelings for thame. (the smile on po's face is so precious... :( I hope he has more reasons to smile now because of thame...)

but at what cost?

if i can make speculation, next week's episode will be rough and heartbreaking because thame's going to confront someone who holds a grudge against him—the fire in the group—dylan.

it's either dylan will burn thame to ashes, or thame will let dylan burn him to cinders, or po will tame dylan's fire for thame. it could be all. and I'm so excited about every possibility.

[rippleclan]

RippleClan: Moon 90, Part 3

[Image ID: Lightningrunner yowls at Estherfern, "You took her from me! I barely got to know her! Why do you get to be a mother when she didn’t get to be mine?" Shrewflame and Whitepaw run toward the pair.]

ONE MOON PRIOR…

It seemed like a waste of a skilled cleric's time to accompany an apprentice to his training, but Estherfern supposed she would want someone close by if one of her kits were to injure themselves carelessly. She strolled beside Lightningrunner as Shrewflame and Whitepaw pranced ahead of them, making their way to Battle Beach. It seemed like far too gray and bright a day to spar, but the youth of RippleClan didn't care much for her opinion.

"Mr. Billowhaze said to be careful by the water," Whitepaw chirped, gazing up at his older brother like a Clan oogles a new leader. "Do you think Mom's stories about fish-cats are real?"

"Mom's an artisan, not a historian," Shrewflame laughed. "Her stories are all fake. Don't worry, the only creatures you should worry about in the ocean are poisonous fish."

"I don't think that makes me feel better," Whitepaw chuckled awkwardly. The two brothers left dainty pawprints in the sand.

"If you want to know more about the ocean," Lightningrunner said, "ask me anything."

"I will, Ms. Lightningrunner," Whitepaw promised, turning an ear back to her. Estherfern hummed softly at the young apprentice's strange phrasing. There was something humble about the titles, even though Estherfern had no idea what they meant.

"Battle Beach!" Shrewflame chirped as the patrol crossed into that special portion of the shoreline. To Estherfern, there was nothing particularly special about this portion of the beach as opposed to any other stretch of snow-dusted land. She wouldn't have known of their arrival had Shrewflame not pointed it out. Still, her Clanmates raved about fond memories sparring along the sand, so it was yet another thing she learned to keep her mouth shut about.

"Is sparring at all like that big fight Mr. Tallowheart and Ms. Cobaltchaser had?" Whitepaw asked, kneading the sand.

"That was just a fight, Whitepaw," Shrewflame laughed, running his tail over Whitepaw's head as he walked past. "When we spar with our Clanmates, we're practicing our skills and challenging ourselves. We aren't hurting one another, though. That's why you don't unseathe your claws. You aren't supposed to draw blood when you're training."

"I won't," Whitepaw promised. He ran to catch up with Shrewflame. He glanced back at Estherfern and Lightningrunner and called, "Ms. Lightningrunner, are you going to spar too?"

"I'll let you start with your brother!" Lightningrunner called. Estherfern found a partially dry spot closer to the trees. She sat her bandage down and tucked her paws under herself. Lightningrunner sat beside her, tail stirring the dusting of snow behind her. Shrewflame steadied himself, paws dug into the sand. Whitepaw copied him as best he could. His legs stretched out a bit too far to look comfortable.

"I'll start simple," Shrewflame said. "A lot of the basics of fighting involve the sort of moves cats instinctually use when they're in danger. Paw swipes, grabbing onto your enemy, things like that. Let's start with swipes. Swipe at my face, as best you—" Whitepaw's fluffy paw whipped out from his awkward stance. He smacked Shrewflame across the face. Shrewflame stumbled to the side, blinking wildly.

"Ah!" Whitepaw yelped. "Sorry, sorry! Are you okay?" Whitepaw hovered around Shrewflame, now scared to get too close. But Shrewflame just laughed. He shook out his pelt, letting his laughter ripple through his ginger fur.

"Now that was a swipe!" Shrewflame roared, rubbing his face on his leg. "StarClan, Whitepaw! Who knew you were so strong?" Whitepaw chuckled awkwardly, but his ears perked high and his tail unwound itself from his side.

Shrewflame went on about angling your paw and steadying yourself after a strike, but Estherfern's attention drifted. The forest had grown grayer by the day, and the snow meant approaching death and hibernation to the plants her fellow clerics so valued. She never imagined caring so much about medical stocks, but she never imagined any of this when she first set off west under the orders of her God.

"These two will be fine," Estherfern huffed to Lightningrunner, stretching as she stood. "I'm going to forage. Will you help?"

"Alright," Lightningrunner said, getting to her paws. Estherfern left her bandage behind and led Lightningrunner into the trees as Shrewflame and Whitepaw laughed and batted at each other.

RippleClan would soon turn to bark-based medicine as winter rolled in and vibrant herbs vanished, but it wasn't winter yet. It was the sort of weather where everything looked a bit like Estherfern; brown and tan and earthy. She could see how the world fought to ignore the approaching chill, even though the first frost had settled over the land. Green grass mixed with yellow, insisting on life. The earliest of winter blooms still dared not to show themselves. The land was waiting, preparing, hoping for a peaceful winter, just like all the Clans.

Estherfern brushed aside snow to get a better look at every plant. Not too far from Battle Beach, she uncovered chicory, its leaves almost identical to a dandelion. Artisans and caretakers could roast the root for their meals and strengthen everyone's stomaches. Estherfern carefully dug around the leaves and plucked the root from the frosty dirt.

"Is this something we should collect?" Lightningrunner called. Her paw danced around a large fallen branch, sprinkled with golden-brown mushrooms. Estherfern joined Lightningrunner and looped around the branch. She studied the mushrooms and their round caps, with a name quickly coming to mind.

"Deadly skullcaps," Estherfern warned, shaking her head. "I knew these mushrooms in my kithood. They are some of the most toxic mushrooms any cat has ever seen. They're as deadly as deathberries. Don't touch them."

Estherfern trotted back to her chicory root and picked it up. She glanced back at Lightningrunner, ready for the young historian to follow her to better, safer herbs. Yet Lightningrunner just stood there. She stared at the deadly skullcaps. Her dark blue eyes were slit and sharp. Her unnerving, unblinking glare drifted onto Estherfern.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Estherfern huffed, dropping the chicory root. Lightningrunner looked back to the deadly skullcaps.

"You should eat them," Lightningrunner said. Estherfern's claws instinctually slipped out. Her ears perked high, turning sideways, alert and ready.

"Say that again," Estherfern said. Lightningrunner's whiskers pushed back against her face. Her ears slowly turned backward, fighting not to go back. She looked at Estherfern once more. Her jaw quivered, searching for the path forward.

"You…" Lightningrunner gulped. She steadied herself, just as Shrewflame readied for Whitepaw's initial strike. "You should eat them. You, you should eat them, and you should die."

"By God, Lightningrunner, you're talking nonsense," Estherfern snapped. "What's gotten into you?"

"I," Lightningrunner stammered, "You… Ugh! What sort of justice is it when a killer goes free?" Lightningrunner curled her lips.

"Again, Lightningrunner," Estherfern growled, "you're talking nonsense. Justice? What justice?"

"You know what justice!" Lightningrunner cried. Her voice rose so fast and violent that Estherfern jumped. Estherfern never jumped. "You know what you did! You summoned the spirits. You got my mom killed!" Ah. That justice.

"I was wondering if you would ask me about that someday," Estherfern sighed, smoothing her pelt. "I don't have good answers for you, Lightningrunner. I meddled with forces I thought I could control, and RippleClan suffered for it. I've done what I can to atone."

"No you haven't," Lightningrunner whined. "You got away with it because Foampaw died, but what about Silverpaw? What about my mom? Do you think there's anything you can do to make up for that? I never saw her body, Estherfern! She was my mom! You took her from me! I barely got to know her! Why do you get to be a mother when she didn’t get to be mine?" Estherfern had no clever retort to that. She dipped her head, but her eyes caught a flash of red in the trees. Shrewflame and Whitepaw slowly approached the arguing pair, ears cocked in confusion.

"I'm sorry, Lightningrunner," Estherfern sighed, straightening, "but I'm not killing myself for you."

"Yes, yes you are," Lightningrunner growled, tail curling, voice cracking. "Eat the mushrooms, or… or I'll just kill you myself!" Shrewflame and Whitepaw ran. Lightningrunner's eyes bounced, blind to all but her own vengeance. "Eat them! Eat them, you foxheart!"

Lightningrunner ran at Estherfern. Whitepaw, small Whitepaw, too-strong-for-his-age Whitepaw, launched past his brother and landed on Lightningrunner's neck, a tail-length from Estherfern. Whitepaw's fangs dug into her scruff, but no, it wasn't her scruff, his jaw wasn't in the right spot, it was her neck, her spine, Whitepaw let go right now—

Light sparked in Lightningrunner's eyes as a violent spasm took over her body. Blood splashed in Whitepaw's mouth. Lightningrunner's strength ebbed away. Her claws, tense and ready to strike, relaxed. She grew limp as leather underneath Whitepaw. Lightningrunner didn't even have time to whine before her life left her.

Whitepaw let go. Shrewflame stumbled upon the scene, his body begging to retreat. Estherfern stood over Lightningrunner's body. She no longer looked like a killer. She looked like a kit.

Whitepaw whined, a wordless, painful cry. He fell off Lightningrunner's body. He ran to Shrewflame, burying his bloody face in his brother's red fur.

"How…" Shrewflame gulped. "What… I don't…"

"I was trying to pull her off!" Whitepaw wailed, voice muffled in Shrewflame's pelt. "I didn't want her to hurt Ms. Estherfern! I didn't want to hurt her!"

"White, White, I know," Shrewflame cooed. He slowly wrapped himself around his weeping brother, hiding all traces of blood-stained white fur from the world. Whitepaw shook so hard that Shrewflame struggled to stay upright. "I know, I know. It was an accident. I know, White. You didn't mean it."

But would the Clan see it that way? Another dead Clanmate, killed, murdered. It had nothing to do with Potterypool, but would anyone believe them? Estherfern barely believed her own senses. An apprentice, barely a quarter moon into training, somehow landing a killing bite on a well-trained historian? Not just any historian, the little sister to one of RippleClan's most unified and beloved families, the daughter of Weedfoot, the Celestial of RippleClan Deputies. The three cats who stood before Lightningrunner's body were outsiders, welcomed into the safety of the shipwreck. Would any of them be allowed to remain after this? Who would believe Lightningrunner, of all cats, would suddenly try to kill Estherfern? Who would see Whitepaw's actions as justified?

No. Whitepaw and Shrewflame were barely out of kithood. They wouldn't suffer for a mess Estherfern caused. This was justice.

"Both of you, listen to me," Estherfern snapped. Shrewflame and Whitepaw snapped out of their shock for just a moment, looking up. Whitepaw looked pink with the blood on his lips. "I'm going to fix this. Nothing will happen to you, Whitepaw. Shrewflame, here, now." Shrewflame slipped himself out from around Whitepaw and crept closer to Lightningrunner's body. Estherfern studied the deadly wound. Even though Whitepaw was close to full-grown, it was clear that no adult cat bit into Lightningrunner. "Shrewflame, I need you to bite into Lightningrunner. You have to cover up Whitepaw's teethmarks."

"But—" Shrewflame stammered, gagging on the thought.

"Shrewflame, we are doing this to protect your brother," Estherfern growled. "Bite her neck, now."

Shrewflame's lips curled, almost prancing in his indecision. But then he looked back at Whitepaw, with wide eyes and his awful, bloody face. Shrewflame hardened. He squeezed his eyes tight and snapped his fangs around the back of Lightningrunner's neck. Estherfern tuned out the squish of flesh and bone.

"Now, both of you, to the ocean," Estherfern ordered as Shrewflame let go and hurried back to Whitepaw. "You're going to wash the blood out of your fur. Don't get out until it's all gone. Then you're going to run to camp and tell the codekeepers that Lightningrunner is dead." Whitepaw pressed against Shrewflame. "This is what happened. While you were swimming, Lightningrunner went to investigate a sound in the forest. When she didn't come back, we went to find her. We found her body. We don't know who did this. We were on the beach. We heard nothing."

"I killed her," Whitepaw whined.

"No you didn't," Estherfern growled, trying to soften her voice. "Not anymore. No one will know. You're not in trouble. You're my hero, Whitepaw, you did nothing wrong. Now go." Whitepaw moved toward Estherfern, but Shrewflame nudged him back. He shook his head, wide eyes glancing at Lightningrunner. He shoved Whitepaw back toward the beach. The two young toms scrambled out of sight.

Estherfern paced around Lightningrunner's body. She brushed the snow with her tail, removing nearby pawprints. No one would be able to tell which way the attacker came from, even if they questioned the patrol's story. With her tail coated in frost and the scene firmly scuffled, Estherfern sat at Lightningrunner's side, like a cleric mourning her charge.

"You stupid child," Estherfern moaned, lowering her head into Lightningrunner's pelt.

No one would know.

(Estherfern: 123, female, cleric, adventurous, great mediator, prophecy seeker)

(Whitepaw: 6, male, historian apprentice, nervous, active imagination)

(Shrewflame: 13, male, teacher, loyal, fast as the wind)

(Lightningrunner: 19, female, historian, nervous, explorer, helpful insight)

[Image ID: Estherfern says to Lemmy, "I don't want to ruin her legacy over a moment of weakness. Do you want the Clan to look at Whitepaw like a killer?" Halibutdusk, Scaleripple, and Oilstripe approach from the distance.]

---

At the end of the story, Lemmy could only sit and think it through. Honeybuzz and Estherfern stared at her, silent, squirming. The quarantine den seemed even colder now.

"No one would know," Lemmy muttered, staring at Estherfern. "Yet you told Honeybuzz."

"I have…" Honeybuzz groaned, "let's say experience with issues like these. Do you understand why we can't let the Clan know now?"

"Call me a hypocrite for this," Lemmy huffed, "but if Lightningrunner tried to kill you, Estherfern, wouldn't you want the Clan to know?" Estherfern bristled.

"None of it would have happened if I had not communed with Spirits of Shadow," the old cleric sighed. "Lightningrunner had the right to be mad at me. I don't want to ruin her legacy over a moment of weakness. Do you want the Clan to look at Whitepaw like a killer?"

Pawsteps broke the snow outside. It had gotten brighter in the time Estherfern spent telling her story. Now morning light burned against the trees beyond. Scaleripple, Halibutdusk, and Oilstripe stood outside, stone still. Time for the trial. Lemmy sighed and stood, squaring herself in front of her Clanmates' painful gaze.

"We need a little more time, please," Honeybuzz stammered, getting up and close to Lemmy's escorts. "We want this to be easy on the Clan. We're not done talking with Lemmy."

"I want her out of this camp," Scaleripple growled. Oilstripe cleared her throat, diverting Scaleripple's boiling blue hate away from Lemmy for a moment.

"The spirits in here are agitated," Oilstripe whispered, ears tilting back, ruffling the thick maple leaves stuck to her fur. "We don't want a long trial. If they can make her tell the truth now, the whole Clan won't have to hurt for long."

"Everyone's waiting, Oilstripe," Halibutdusk huffed.

"I know," Oilstripe groaned, "but do you think they'd rather sit there all day or wait a bit longer and be done with all this before sunhigh?" Halibutdusk and Scaleripple both squirmed, but neither confronted their deputy. Oilstripe turned to Honeybuzz and said, "Lead her out into the clearing when you're finished here." Honeybuzz nodded as Oilstripe led Scaleripple and Halibutdusk back around the shipwreck.

"We don't have long, Lemmy," Estherfern sighed. "I know you don't see your actions as strictly right and wrong, so why see this differently? There's no crazed killer living in our Clan. Don't make them suffer more than they already are." Lemmy's neck itched under her collar. Her head ached. Was there any good decision here? Was this any different than Lemmy's own coverup? Did the truth deserve to come to light? Or would the truth hurt worse than the lie?

"If I say I killed both Potterypool and Lightningrunner," Lemmy said softly, "what then?"

"Unless something strange happens at the trial," Honeybuzz explained, "Downstar has promised to exile you. Just play along with Waspdawn's version of events." Exile… not much different from the life Lemmy knew before RippleClan, before the Witch Hunters. And it wasn't as though she would lack purpose. There were still threats to the cats she cared for, threats to her kits and mate. She would do more good alive than dead. Even if it meant never seeing her daughters again. Maybe they would understand, one day.

"Do one thing for me, in return," Lemmy said. "Take care of my family."

"You deserve that, at least," Honeybuzz sighed. "Thank you. Are you ready, then?" Lemmy slowly approached the edge of the quarantine den. She could smell the grief and rage wafting off her Clan, just around the corner. The sun burned the land in brilliant purple and red, yet no warmth pierced the snow that muffled all birdsong. The walls of the shipwreck burned with illusionary fire. A good final view of her home.

"Take me to my exile," Lemmy sighed.

(Lemmy: 66, female, exiled, cold, deep StarClan bond, good mediator)

(Honeybuzz: 38, male, cleric, daring, skilled toolsmith, good teacher)

(Estherfern: 124, female, cleric, adventurous, great mediator, prophecy seeker)

(Scaleripple: 43, male, warrior, lonesome, formidable fighter)

(Oilstripe: 94, female, deputy, charismatic, ghost speaker)

(Halibutdusk: 82, nonbinary (they/them), warrior, gloomy, masterful storyteller, clever)

[zaceouiswriting]

Fairy Prince - Hearts of Leviathans - Ch.31

Character: Sky x male reader, Riven x male reader, Brandon x male reader

Universe: Somewhere in Winx Club/Saga

Warnings: None

(Let me introduce you to Brandon. Please ignore his hair and eye color. It's almost impossible to find someone with sky-blue eyes and golden hair. Just imagine that he has both. Thank you.) (Also, before anyone asks: Yes, the Brandon (Who knows, knows) we saw in the Winx Saga is handsome, but in my opinion, he just doesn't fit.)

Eating at the cafeteria was quite awkward, as Sky and Brandon had sensed the awkwardness between Riven and me. However, I told them that I still thought he was a psychopath and hoped that this would help cover up what happened between us. When I looked over at him, he seemed relieved and even smiled cheekily, almost as if he liked that I thought he was crazy and kept our incident a secret.

Even though the situation with Riven happened over an hour ago, I can't get that stupid glint in his beautiful indigo eyes out of my head.

Upset, I thrust my sword down harder and accidentally split a tree in half. I move gracefully like snow slowly falling down the Bargener mountains. It almost feels like I'm dancing—moves I've never done before. Up until this point, I've always fought efficiently to kill. But now that none of that is around, I can finally let go.

I move like one of those dancers on the stages of clubs young nobles like to go to, where a story is told only through dancing. I never really liked it, though. It was boring, and even now that I'm doing something similar, I still don't like it, but the movements just feel right. Honestly? My body feels a lot more exhausted than usual. Normally I would have to train from morning to evening to get even a bit tired. But with so much movement, the sweat is dripping down my forehead after just an hour.

In the middle of a particularly long circular motion where I twist and turn several times, I initially press my sword between my eyes against my chest, but then let go and hold it in one hand while I go in the other direction with my free hand. However, I quickly pull back as I notice my turns becoming sloppier and hold it tightly to me instead. As a final act, I carefully move my free hand to my sword and snake my arm upward, holding the blade up, until I firmly grasp the handle with both hands. Suddenly I stop and thrust the sword forward.

Nothing happens for a second, until the tree I'm aiming the sword at gets a big hole in it, and many trees behind it look similar.

I feel oddly proud of it and smile mischievously. Especially since I know someone who can help me heal these trees, the picture of the girl from the forest flashes in my mind.

But suddenly something lands on my head, pulling me out of my prior thoughts. Soon after, I feel a sharp pain where this small animal stands. As I reach up, I can feel feathers. I grab it quickly, as one should when handling a small bird, immediately and effortlessly removing it from my scalp and moving it before my eyes.

"You little shit," I mutter under my breath, "how dare you peck at me?" As I stare at it, a strange sensation comes over me, almost as if its striking blue feathers are pulsing. I stroke it down to its front, just above the heart. Pressing my thumb onto it, I find what I expected. Lifting my gaze from his chest back to its eyes, I couldn't hold back a wide grin. All the while, its black eyes gleam fearfully back at me.

But I don't say anything else. Instead, I put the little bird in my pocket, careful not to hurt its wings. Since it is warmer now than recently, I walk briskly around the house.

As I rush through the front door, there are still many people milling around, talking and even giggling. Some of the girls even talk to the boys, something they've mostly avoided before, which makes me happy as I like the specialists and I know that many of them have their eye on some of the fairies. Of course, they would; they're fairies and therefore beautiful.

A couple of guys call me over the moment they see me from seats in the lounge. When I get there, one of them jumps up and puts me in a headlock, or at least tries to, but out of pure reflex, I do the same. Laughing, we start to wrestle, but I try to be mindful not to crush my new little friend in my pocket.

But suddenly I see a grin on his face, and before I know it, he drops to the ground, puts his feet on my stomach, and catapults me into the air. I can only watch all this with wide eyes, too stunned at the absurdity of the moment.

What the fuck just happened? I look around and find myself face down on the couch where the idiot had been sitting. When I find his eyes again, I think I see an apologetic glint in them, but he quickly stands up, swings himself over the arm of the sofa, right next to me, and even helps me sit up normally.

"Dude, what the fuck is going on?" I ask him quietly, trying not to seem too bothered in front of the girls.

"Sorry, bro," he whispers back, audibly apologetically, "but I really like this girl, and... well, you know me. I usually eat my own foot when I talk, and although they giggle a lot, they seem uncomfortable around me."

As I look from him to the girls, then back to him, and back to the girl he seems to like, I can only groan internally, but I smile at him anyway. I hope I've made it obvious that our conversation isn't over yet, but instead of talking it out right then and there, I turn to the girls.

"I'm sorry for the sudden... interruption, but you see, Vinok over here"—I put my arm around his shoulders, look at him briefly, and stroke his chest—"is a little impulsive." I let my words sink in for a moment and when the girl's expected uncomfortable expression becomes visible, I know that the moment has come. "Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, kind, a problem solver, strong, fierce, and strong-willed; he can be a great protector and an excellent listener."

I ordered him to stand up to prove my last point, which he quickly did. For a second I feel my smile widen; a sick thought of ordering him to do lots of embarrassing things crosses my mind, but I quickly push it aside.

"As you can see, he is tall, maybe still a bit lanky, but with enough training that will change too but"- I pull up his shirt, showing the girls his flawless abs, and smack them lightly- "He is already well defined; he takes pride in his looks; just behold his sharp facial features and those light blue eyes. Once he goes on a mission in his second year, girls will be all over him. It would be best for all concerned to catch him as early as possible before he can build an ego, as he is still down to earth and a very humble, resourceful man."

As I watch the girls blush more and more (I may take advantage of the moment to stroke Vinok's abs more than necessary), I analyze the girl he seems to like: Nacterna, a fairy whose powers even scare me a little since she can manipulate the darkness. I wouldn't like to meet her in a dark alley.

She is the first to regain her composure. "So you're talking your friend up, aren't you?" she asks, although she obviously already knows the answer. I can only smile kindly at her. "Then please tell me all the bad things about him too."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Vinok direct his confident gaze at me, but it completely disappears when he sees my playful grin.

"Alright then, please excuse my informal choice of words," I tell her without giving her a chance to say anything. "He's a bit of a dumbass, rather dull and oblivious; he doesn't understand most of the time when people don't want to talk to him or about the subjects he brings up, and his manners are also pretty much the worst I've ever seen." I feel like I'm getting off-topic and start to disparage his character instead, but when I see the dejected expression on his face, I can only sigh; after all, I like him. "Despite all of that, he has my full seal of approval, manners can be learned, and even though most of the subjects he's interested in are lame, he has an almost childlike fascination with them, and his brain is completely tuned to them. He could probably learn a lot, but I would honestly advise against it because he's a great guy either way. If I had the choice of who I wanted by my side in battle or just as a friend, he would be one of my first choices."

Nacterna looks at me in astonishment. Although we haven't spoken much, she knows as well as anyone how high my standards are, since for the past two months I have barely acknowledged my roommates, let alone the popular girls in our fairy class.

But after my rather long speech, it was quiet; even though it had been noisy a few seconds before, it now almost seemed we were the only people there.

I look around; everyone is staring at us, and then I avert my gaze back to Vinok. I immediately feel my cheeks burning. Quickly I pull my hand away from his abdominal muscles, which I seemingly have been mindlessly massaging the whole time. Although it doesn't seem to bother him much, the strange looks make me feel uncomfortable. Only when I stop does he look down, whereupon I immediately order him to sit down again. But the discomfort didn't go away after that.

I apologize and quickly leave the room, but it's not until I'm back in the foyer, standing in the middle of the mosaic, that I can breathe again. I can't even remember ever holding my breath. So I take a deep breath, not thinking about much other than the hope that I at least played a decent wingman. It was my first time, after all.

As I replay that last part in my head, an old image of him comes to mind—his smile as he looked down at me while he took my first breath. I couldn't control the tightening of my pants or the furious blush on my cheeks as a certain heat overwhelmed my entire body. It has been a while since I thought about what it feels like to make love.

Still, deep in my little world, I suddenly feel something hard against me. I am torn from this dream that only consists of love and memories.

I look around me with blurred vision, although it takes a while before I can focus again, but in the meantime, I feel my body crumbling. Somehow I knew that I would soon be lying on the floor.

Instead of just falling, I feel something massive falling with me, as if I'd just run into a dilapidating wall or large statue that I must have somehow run into. I still couldn't see anything concrete. But as I see the ground getting closer, I close my eyes, too mentally exhausted to do anything about it, certain that whatever may fall on me can never hurt me too much.

I wait and wait, but the pain never comes. There was a sharp jolt, but no pain. But somehow I still can't believe that's all, so I keep my eyes closed and my hands near my chest. At least I think it's my chest, but when I touch it and grip it a little harder, I don't feel anything. Have I hurt myself without realizing it? Have I lost feeling in most parts of my body? But then again, I can move my hands, fingers, and feet without a problem.

Daring to open one eye a slit, I see something... no, someone, below me. Even more confused than before, I open my other eye, but the surprise of what I see causes them to widen until I can clearly see the tight blue-gray uniform of the second-year students at Red Fountain Academy. Many frightening thoughts are running through my head; in the end, I can only hope this is not one of the ones I don't want to see. Very slowly, almost comically, I raise my gaze and soon find myself looking directly into the pure blue eyes of the golden-haired, handsome boy whom I try to avoid at every turn.

Why does fate have to be such a bitch? I can't believe that even though I try everything to avoid him, I still somehow run into him. Literally. What's going on?

"Are you okay?" Brandon's slightly distorted voice sent a chill down my spine; it sounded hoarse and deep, but somehow raspy too. By the old ones, how am I supposed to exist like this?

I quickly realize that it has been my mistake not to answer him, because the next moment I feel his fingers on my face and under my chin. He tilts my head slightly, probably so he can see me better.

So just a second later I can see everything about him, and there is not a single blemish on his skin, not a speck of dust, not even a birthmark—nothing; his skin is clean and soft, almost inviting me to gently poke it. For some reason, I believe his skin would feel like the washed and dried one of a newborn baby. I still vividly remember how soft Vivian's skin was when she was born; even though she was an ugly baby, her demeanor was so sweet. She looked at me with wide eyes, started to smile, and grabbed my hand. She was my shadow until Grandpa banished me to war.

I am suddenly painfully aware of his worried look, almost staring into my soul, making me uneasy. "It's fine," I barely managed to say, my voice uncertain. His gaze becomes suspicious, but he lets it go. Yet he didn't let go of my face. Our faces come closer; I almost feel like I'm falling into his beautiful sky-blue eyes, and I wish I could taste his lips just once. From this angle, they look reddish—though normally very pale pink—and moist, as if he had been preparing for a moment like this. They are slightly open, almost begging me to put my own on them.

I feel myself wanting it and moving into him, and then I'm right in front of his face. He also raises his head and comes closer to me, just like I do. It's almost like something magical is forcing us closer together. But when I finally feel his hot breath on my lips, my senses return.

I immediately push him back down, wild fear coursing through my veins. Did I almost really kiss him? And worse, I wanted it? I can't believe it! Enraged, I sit up, but feeling his rock-hard abs under my bottom only makes it worse. All I want to do is help him back onto his feet and take him to any empty room I can find. Damn, why do the biggest assholes have to be the hottest guys?

I sit there for a minute, desperately trying to get these dirty thoughts out of my head where they most definitely don't belong. Even though I'm engaged, I can't bring myself to care about my fiancé. I'd rather never get married than be forced to. On the other hand, finding a lover would not only be easy, but it wouldn't be outrageous; I wouldn't be the first King with lovers. It might shame me in the eyes of many to do so, but then again, I have no say in my marriage, so shouldn't I be allowed to fool around and find someone worthy of my love, even within the context of marriage or engagement?

While I am pondering about all these different thoughts, I suddenly feel two rough, warm hands on my legs. My gaze immediately jumps back to Brandon, whose face is even redder than before.

"Can you stop moving?" he whispers, almost too quiet to hear. It honestly takes a moment for his words to sink in, but the moment it finally happens, my head snaps in his direction. Once again, my cheeks flush; only this time I can feel my whole body burning.

Never in my life have I gotten up faster than at that moment. I must forget what I saw; nothing of it can stick in my memory. This guy... this madman can't be on my mind in my lonely moments when I dream about him and remember the naughty times we shared. No, that cannot happen; I would rather turn myself into an eunuch than dishonor the love I shared with him!

I inwardly curse myself and try desperately to get that image out of my head, but it seems impossible. I look around discreetly, but luckily I can't see anyone, so our encounter and the unfortunate direction it has taken might have gone unnoticed. At least there won't be any rumors. After all, I don't think my forced fiancé would be very pleased to learn that I nearly made out while I was engaged to him. But then again, why should I care? None of my offspring will come from him anyway; I'd rather end the existence of my world than have a child with someone I don't love or, for that matter, don't even really like.

Before I can sink too deeply into thought again, I remember Brandon. When I look down, I see him still lying on the floor, but the redness in his face and his heavy breathing have calmed down.

He doesn't react immediately when I hold out my hand. Only when I clear my throat does he turn his head in my direction, and when I catch his eye, I see only surprise.

“Come on, take my hand,” I murmur. “I don’t want to look like an idiot just because you have a problem controlling your body.”

Brandon blushes again, but luckily he finally takes my hand, and with a quick movement I pull him up. It must have shocked him because his eyes are wide, but he is so close again. Instead of just standing up, he comes closer to me. He's taller than me, more than I initially thought, which isn't difficult since we were never this close, or maybe I'm not as tall as I always believed. At least Sky, the brown-haired prince of Eraklyon is even taller than him.

The sky-blue eyes looking down at mine make me uneasy again, weakening my knees. Suddenly, I feel a hand at my side, the grip on my waist hard, not tight enough to hurt me but enough to make me even more nerveless. Does he care about me, or is this all just one long joke for him?

In this situation, I have to remind myself that he was the one who tortured me the most in that seedy dungeon; he was callous and cruel. It makes me remember the blood I've lost, the pieces of flesh he's cut out, and the many ways he's almost killed me. It finally frees me from this strange spell that Brandon seems to have cast over me. The butterflies in my stomach turn sour, and anger radiates from my heart. Suddenly my knees feel stable again.

With a raging fire burning in my heart, I finally push him away, turn around, and storm away, leaving the scattered books and papers he must have been busy with for him to pick up.

[Masterlist]

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

Della Vacker post

I made this doodle of her while i was supposed to be working on artfight refs, but not to worry! i finished those just in time today :>

notice the Vacker registry pendant and prime sources chain. Notice how anxious she looks!

and now for the playlist which will make more sense after you've read the headcanons. You don't have to think it's perfect or in character, that's okay, it's just stuff i came up with

and now under the cut is my 15 page google doc thoughts of Della Vacker, from when she started dating Alden to Legacy-ish?? warning i think they get worse as they go, don't focus on the stuff after book 1 time, i'm not sure if i like it as much as i do the other as far as writing and wording goes and stuff

if you do take the time to read this, comment on it as much as you want!!! it feels good when people point out specific parts hehe

TW: mentions of eating disorders and ~uncomfortable age gaps~

Alden and Della had sort of an arranged marriage, with Alden on Della's match lists when she was sixteen, and her parents saw and were delighted to see a Vacker as her number one, but Della tried to argue, saying he’s a hundred years older, but by the time Alden got his next list she was nineteen and invited to his Winnowing Gala. Della was standing among all these girls who were mostly at least 30 years older than her, and she was terrified. She didn’t feel good enough to be there. She felt out of place. But Alden’s parents seemed to really like her, though she couldn’t tell if that was because they actually did or if it was just because she and Alden were each other’s top matches. She felt super weird about it, and he felt weird about it too, but despite the age gap, they were kind of pressured into getting together. 

And at first it was sooooooo awkward. They didn’t feel comfortable around each other, and Della still felt like a kid next to him. Not to mention the sheer perfection of him, and the other Vackers. This is where some other headcanons start coming in, with Della not feeling perfect enough, and she began to develop an eating disorder. 

This whole thing is so stressful for her, but her parents are happy, and Alden seems happy, who is she to ruin it? She was once an enjoyer of gossip, but now she's part of it, there were speculations about her from the very first date with alden, and she's not used to it! She's not used to being in the spotlight! 

Della: (surprised) I'm... I'm in the news? 

Alden: Oh... Yes, that happens. 

Della: ... But I only just started dating you- is- is that even public yet? 

Alden: No, but we did go out yesterday... 

Della: ... but I'm not a Vacker... I can't... (trails off) 

Alden: ...

Della goes for a walk in Atlantis and feels everyone watching her, and she can't take it, she feels like she's crumbling under the pressure (even though not that many people were actually looking or saying or thinking anything bad, but she saw a few people glance her way, someone pointed at her and whispered) and she breaks down, tears start to well up, and she tries to get somewhere to be alone, but it's Atlantis, she can't just leap away, she has to go back the way she came, and she's crying and she can't breathe and people are really staring now and really talking about her and someone tries to come help but she doesn't think that's what they're there to do, she runs away, she's running through crowded streets until she finally makes it out, and once her bubble thing lets her go she sits on the ground and sobs.

And of course people saw this whole thing, and they were talking about her all over again, but this time it wasn't just speculation about her relationship with Alden, this time it was people saying she wasn't fit to be a Vacker, that she was unstable and unpredictable and mentally ill for... crying? Well then, she can't let anyone see her cry ever again.

And at some points she wishes Alden would leave her or break up with her or something but after the stories and stuff about her were published he just hailed her and asked if she was okay. And this was before she'd read them. He seemed to care about her, and Della just thinks she's bringing shame on him, but he assures her that she isn't, and it's okay, and that it will blow over and that there's no reason to worry.

She becomes very familiar with that phrase, and learns to take it to heart. She's okay. He's okay. Everything is okay. even when she feels like dying, even when she realizes she hasn't eaten in three days and almost passes out in public and she feels terrified whenever she goes out with him and everything feels like too much and goddamnit why won't he leave her what does he still see in her why couldn't she have just enjoyed her after-foxfire years normally why why why???

But then as Alden cares for her and he doesn't leave her and he smiles for real, his smile is so unlike all the pictures she's seen, it's so soft and small and hesitant and his eyes look so gentle and happy and oh prime sources, after three years she's really falling for him and oh no this is awful, she feels so conflicted. She wanted him to leave her but now she doesn't want to leave him. 

After four years they finally share their first kiss, and it's... real. 

It's by no means a long kiss, but it feels like forever, time slows as thoughts race through Della’s mind and she thinks oh no. And then they pull apart, and she's tearing up, and mentally beating herself up for it, which only makes her need to cry more, and she can't breathe but Alden doesn't seem to get it, he's confused, he looks hurt, he asks whats wrong, so she chokes it down and tells him she's okay, just... really happy. I get emotional, she says with a forced laugh. 

And she accepts her fate. 

She’s trapped. 

Unless Alden ever has a sudden change of heart, she can't go anywhere.

Della was raised religious, but it wasn't nearly as strict as the Vackers. That's another thing she has to get used to - she has to carefully learn every ritual, all the history she might need to know, she doesn't want them to think she's not good enough. She has to fit into this family, and if she's a square in a circle hole, then she'll just have to cut off her own corners to fit. 

She didn't really expect it to go this long - she had three boyfriends when she was in Foxfire, but they all went by super fast, obviously. And they were never serious. But Alden was serious. Her parents wanted her to be serious. the Vackers were serious. 

Alden and Della obviously took things very very slowly, mostly due to the age gap and how uncomfortable they used to be around each other. They'd kissed twice after five years of dating, and it still feels so... new. They're careful in public, Della isn't herself anymore. She used to be so much happier. Now she's an empty shell, and sometimes life doesn't feel worth living.... but she's okay, she's okay, she's okay. There’s no reason to worry. Everything is perfect! She learns how to force a smile when people begin speculating about her mental health again... and she's not eating. She doesn't feel perfect enough. She hates her body, her face, her hair, she hates how ugly she feels standing next to Alden, her boyfriend, though that word feels wrong on her tongue. Even after a decade, she still messes up, says the wrong things and gets weird looks and she feels like the world could swallow her up, she could get murdered and it would be her fault.

Alden of course notices this, because, duh, he's not blind, but he doesn't know what to do. He waits for a few months, trying to let it pass because he's not good with words and... maybe if he pretends she's okay, she'll be okay. he just has to believe it and treat her as he has been - he does care, he just doesn't know what to do. He's trying to believe, but it's getting so hard to pretend because oh god she just collapsed in the middle of the room and she's not waking up and he's not very strong but he can pick her up easily and take her to the couch and he sits by her as he waits for a physician and he's trying so hard not to cry, but maybe she's worth crying over, he's so scared for her. Pretending everything was okay wasn't what she needed at all. He should have done something.

Della obviously ends up fine, but she doesn't talk to Alden about it. He apologizes and asks if she's okay, and she assures him he is, she says sorry, she promises to do better.

And she’s okay. 

She takes a deep breath and forces herself to eat. 

To prove she’s okay. 

She even hides the scale from herself for a few months. She's okay.

Well, now that she knows her limits she can be even better than before. 

Time flies by, and Alden and Della are closer than ever. They're not as close as the average couple that has been dating for a year, even though they've been together for ten, twenty, thirty. They love and care about each other, but there's.... something. Della gets better! She makes friends with some of Alden's friends, Grady and Edaline. They're also much older than her, but she's older now, too, so age shouldn't matter like it did when she was nineteen. Still, she feels the need to be polite in the same way she is to Alden's family. Despite that, it's... nice to be around them. To have conversations with Edaline while Alden is out, to have friends! She hasn't had those since the world started to judge her! Nobody wanted to be caught up in that kind of drama. She meets Edaline's sister, and they get along even better! Until she runs into her in the street and they talk for a while, and then the next day there's a picture of them in the news! Juline is a bad match, how could Della forget how could she mess up so badly how could she be so selfish to want anything for herself, how could she have slipped up like that!!!

She apologizes to Alden as soon as she sees him, then stops talking to Juline. Edaline has seen the article, and while this kind of thing doesn't matter to her, she understands why it would matter to Della. She's observant. She can tell that Della isn't okay. She and Juline talk, and they agree to let her go without asking questions. She clearly doesn't need more stress. Della is anxious to talk to Grady and Edaline for a bit after that, but when she does, they don't even bring up her suddenly cutting Juline off. Della wonders if she should bring it up, but she doesn't want to start trouble. So she pretends everything is fine and resists the urge to ask Eda how her sister is doing. 

This would be the time where Della would start visiting the Forbidden Cities and learning how to defend herself - going to the human world is freeing, but it comes with its risks. She's cautious not to get caught, and she's careful not to get hurt while she's there. In the Forbidden Cities, nobody knows her. She learns both how to hold her Vanishing for a long time, but also how to resist the light passing through her with each step she takes. Humans definitely don't blink in and out of sight as they walk. She learns a human language (in my headcanon it's Spanish, which she later teaches to her kids, while Alden teaches them English). She’s interested in human culture.

Luzia gifts Everglen to Alden, and he has it rebuilt, because the pressure to make things permanent with Della is starting to grow - he's been in relationships before, and they've all gone by so fast compared to this one. He feels differently about Della, he's actually gotten to know her, he thinks he's seen her at her worst. Della hears the whispers about marriage and gets terrified. She could really be Radelle Vacker. It's not the name she tried on at thirteen, fantasizing about marrying into the family, just for fun. It's an actual possibility.

Della had been living in an apartment since her twenties, she never felt like she could handle getting attached to a house the way most elves do. Besides, she liked the limited space - there was less to do with it, less options, but so many ways to decorate and make it hers. Unlike everything else in her life. Just because she appreciates beauty and fancy things, well, it doesn't have to be big to be beautiful. That was her place of peace. But then... Alden suggested she move into Everglen with him, after it gets rebuilt. And how could she say no? She can't. She hasn't said no to Alden once in all these decades. Not like he was too sure of what to do, either. Their relationship was the best pace it could have been for the two of them. And so Della moves into Everglen, and... gives up her apartment. And Everglen is big. It makes her feel small and anxious. But she'll get used to it. One time she had to cross the house to get a cup of water in the middle of the night - it was so eerie. She kept a cup by her bed from then on.

Another thing she gave up was her trips to the Forbidden Cities. She still wanted to go, and definitely could have, but she just stopped being able to find the time to visit as frequently, and eventually stopped going altogether. 

Now that they were living together, of course, people found out and started saying things and making more assumptions about Alden and Della's relationship, things that Della did not even feel nearly ready for - and they're not even married! They don't even share a room, let alone a bed! She feels kind of gross when she thinks about it for too long. but she's okay. She's getting good at this.

Until, to "celebrate" or whatever, Alden's parents suggest a family gathering at Everglen. Of course, Della is there. She already felt uncomfortable around Alden's parents, so she didn't expect it to go that well, but she wasn't expecting the sheer number of fancy intimidating and perfect Vackers that were there - she felt like scum next to them. And with the way some of them looked at her, she might as well have been. She made herself eat so they wouldn't go making assumptions about her health or mental well being, but after dinner, she excused herself and threw it all up in the bathroom. It wasn't even on purpose, she just felt that nauseous. She couldn't stay away for too long, though, because this was Alden's house, and being Alden's girlfriend, she'd surely be missed. So she gathers herself and returns for dessert, which she isn't able to stomach much of. She didn't notice until that night, but Alden seems so... stiff. And unnatural. Around the rest of his family. He's smiling, but that's not his smile. Della knows his smile! And she starts to wonder if Alden ever feels like she does. Despite how much he truly seems to belong here. Unlike she does.... she's not good enough.

And then Alden stands up and says he'd like to announce something, and he talks for a bit, then he mentions Della and she's forced to focus and listen and she doesn't even remember what he said, just that he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his parents, while talking about her, and then he reached into his cape and turned around and kneeled down and

“Della, will you marry me?” 

And she freezes up and everything stops and her heart pounds in her ears and she feels like she might throw up again and then she chokes up and looks Alden in the eyes and the tears come before she can stop them, but she doesn't stop them because.... people cry at proposals all the time. It's normal. It's... an emotional moment. That's why she's crying. She's just. so. happy.

So she covers her mouth with her hands and says what she knows she has to say.

“Yes.” 

Except it's muffled and squeaky and choked so she nods to get her point across, she slowly stands up and steps towards Alden, and something in his eyes changes as he wraps his arms around her. Understanding, maybe? He's just as trapped as she is, isn’t he?

She cries into his chest, but they're definitely not happy tears. She can force a smile and pretend they are, but that doesn't make it any better. For a moment all she hears is herself sobbing and Alden's heartbeat, pounding much too hard for someone who could be truly at peace. Then the applause starts, and she cries harder, making herself feel even sicker. But this is the first time she's let tears fall in - no, has it really been a year? Has it been more? Less? She doesn't know. But it's been a while. And it's all coming out at once and the rush of hands clapping is taking over but she has to breathe. breathe. breathe. Alden rubs her back, and she focuses on that, she focuses on his smell.

And she breathes. 

In, out. 

She’s okay. 

She’s crying, but she’s happy, right? 

How could she be anything but happy? 

She’s… engaged. 

To Alden Vacker. 

So many people would give anything for this. People would crash weddings for a chance at marrying Alden Vacker. The world envies her. She even loves Alden! And she knows she does!

So why isn’t she happy??? 

Where’s the feeling she’s been missing for so long? 

She stands by the door as the Vackers leave, squeezing Alden's hand as she nods and smiles at each of the Vackers leaving. She's never even seen most of them. She recognizes Alden's parents, and of course Luzia Vacker, Fallon Vacker, Orem Vacker, and a few others she's read about in elvin history. She really is a part of them now.

But she doesn’t feel good enough. 

Her smile falls as soon as the last ones leave, and Alden isn't looking at her, and they need to talk about what to do, they need to talk about what happened, they need to celebrate, they need to...

Alden speaks up first. 

And he says,

“I’m sorry.” 

And he walks away. 

Della stares after him, feeling the light pass through her. She doesn't know how to feel. Alden just apologized... for proposing to her? She should feel hurt, but... she gets it. She's sorry, too.

She goes back over to the table to clean up all the plates left there, with the intent of getting her mind off of things, but... it's a giant table. It's overwhelming. She sits down and takes a half empty glass of wine that isn't even hers. She takes a deep breath and releases it in a long, slow, sigh.

She doesn't even finish the glass, but she feels sick like she's had five or ten. Or, she feels like what she thinks it'd be like? She's never actually gotten drunk, but she knows it can make you throw up. In any case, she knows she will not be getting drunk tonight. She needs to keep it together. She's okay.

The next morning, they act like they normally do, but they both know of the unspoken tension, the hurt and guilt and shame because of that disaster of a proposal that neither of them wanted to do yet. Especially not like that, in front of the Vackers. Della used to fantasize about her dream proposal - it would have been somewhere beautiful, maybe under the stars, remote and quiet. Certainly not in a well-lit room with every Vacker looking at her. She imagined tears, but she also imagined being happy. She imagined looking into her lover's eyes and smiling softly, and kissing them. Not whatever happened last night. 

But who is she to complain...

For a week, they try to pretend everything is like it was, like it has been... But then they both realize that it will never go back. They can’t go back. So they start planning the wedding. And we all know how that went. 

If you look closely in pictures taken when Alina was trying to get Alden to run away with her, you might see a glimmer of hope and desperation in Della's eyes, mixed with the shock and anxiety that was there already. For a moment Alden looked like he was about to leave and go with her - but then he snapped out of it. He was being beguiled. 

Of course, it could have just been the angle of the picture that painted that look on Della's face.

The Vackers are all freaking out after the wedding, but most pin the blame on Alina alone, and most are pleased with the end result of it - and they almost seem genuine when they smile at Della now. For once she's done something right? Do they think she handled it well? 

And honestly? Della is much happier in the week following the wedding - it's their "honeymoon period," in which they mostly just stay in Everglen where it's quiet and the world can't get to them. They invite Grady and Edaline over for tea, but that's the extent of their social interaction. For a short while. Then they're expected to go back to normal. They have to go out to work, they have to talk to people, and of course endure the speculation on what other things they could have been doing during that time. 

Now Alden and Della aren't great at communication but at this point with all the rumors and expectations to continue the Vacker family line, they do have to talk about it at some point. They just.... might procrastinate a bit.

Until finally, Della is the one to bring it up. 

She asks if he wants kids and he blinks, then says he doesn't know. He asks if she does, because if she does, he'll go along with it, of course. But she says she doesn't know either. They sit there at the table for a few minutes, neither looking at the other. They're not used to talking or making decisions together. Most of their decisions had been made for them until now.

So they wait a bit longer, until the pressure from their families and society becomes too much and they agree that they do want kids, even though they're still not sure. Except they've never even slept in the same bed... so they start there. And it's nice, actually. They no longer feel awkward just being around each other, and sometimes they cuddle, without saying anything. They'll lay down, and by morning Della is curled up in his arms and they're sharing a blanket. It's nice.

But they know they have to take it a step further eventually... and there's a big difference between cuddling fully clothed and... having a child. The last time Della had ever done anything remotely sexual was when she was a teenager, and Alden has even less experience. They don't even feel comfortable changing with the other there. They don't know how they're going to do this.

Okay, so they think, "well, Grady and Edaline have a kid, maybe we should talk to them.” And so they do! Which is like, really big for them, opening up and communicating and talking about their relationship with someone else - it's big. And scary. But... they're in the same boat. They're in this together. And soon, almost a year after they said they would... They have a child.

Both of them are really scared, because they didn't exactly have the best relationship with their own parents or the best childhood, and when Della finds out she's pregnant, she tells Alden immediately, and... he cries. He tries to pretend he's just happy, but Della has pulled that trick too many times for it to work on her. She sits by him, takes his hand, closes her eyes, and quietly admits that she's terrified. She tells him her fears about not being a good parent, and Alden is nodding along. He feels the same. He takes her hand, kisses her forehead, and promises that they'll do this together. But they have to talk about things, just like they're talking now. Della touches his cheek, wiping off a tear, and says, "I like it when we talk like this. It feels good." she leans on him, and he holds her.

And Della learns to take better care of herself, because it's not just her. She's actually eating every day, especially since Elwin noticed that she was a bit underweight when he first checked her. She grows more and more anxious the more time passes, and is constantly hailing Edaline to ask if x thing is normal for pregnancy. Edaline helps calm her by telling her baby stories about Jolie. She even gives her some of Jolie's old baby things, and Della is very grateful. Alden is just as stressed, and spends lots of time taking care of Della and figuring out what to prepare. When it was too early in the pregnancy to really start setting up a room yet, he tried to baby proof the entirety of Everglen, which is obviously impossible with all the wide staircases and tile floors and fancy crystal and sharp corners. But he tried. He settled for baby proofing the part of the house where Alvar's room was going to be, right by Alden and Della's room, then adding a baby gate in the hallway. This was not his idea, he was still trying to do the whole house when Edaline had to stop him.

Grady and Edaline bring Jolie over a lot and she tells them all about all the stuff that used to be hers, and when they knew Alvar's gender they let her help choose names. Being a brutally honest child (I think like 9 or 10, correct me if I'm wrong) she made a face at one of the names Alden suggested.

Of course, preparing for Alvar wasn't the only thing stressing Della out. They tried to keep it on the down low for a while, but of course the world found out about Della being pregnant. And there were so many predictions and speculation and people were even bringing up her "mental health struggles" (not that she doesn't have those, but they literally just saw her crying in public once) and wondering how she could be a good parent and how her child would turn out as an adult. Edaline saw how this was getting to her and told her to stop reading them so she wasn't as stressed, and finally convinced her by saying it'd be better for the baby if she could like. chill out a bit. 

And then Alvar is born, and everyone cries, and yes, Della is stressed and anxious and scared but they are happy tears! She can't help but smile as she looks at Alvar, so small and fragile and she wants to shield him from the harsh reality of the world. Alden seems almost scared to hold him, like he's afraid he'll break him if he messes up or does something wrong. He sits down by Della so she can help him make sure he does it right. Grady, Edaline, and Elwin are there to help if needed. Jolie is at Brant's house (I believe they’ve met by now). Della closes her eyes and breathes, and the moment is so... perfect. really, truly, perfect.

For a long time, things are great! they really couldn't be better... Alden and Della aren't perfect at parenting, but they're doing their best. They're managing a balance between their work and family fairly well. Like I said, they're not perfect. They do mess up. A lot. And they're super hard on themselves. But... they're trying. Alvar is growing up fairly happy, and when Jolie is old enough, she (and sometimes Brant) babysit him sometimes. Alden and Della are closer than ever with Grady and Eda, and Jolie, too. For the Vackers, the Ruewens are the first example of a healthy family that they've gotten to see.

Now, they say all good things must come to an end. 

Della is the happiest she’s been. Ever. 

And then Jolie dies. 

Everything fell apart then. the Ruewens were like family to Della and Alden, and Jolie was almost like a daughter or niece to them. And for Alvar? She had been a part of his life before he was even born. His special stuffie belonged to her, and he couldn't even fully grasp the concept of death yet. He kept asking where Jolie was, and Della couldn't explain it to him. Alden couldn't either, he'd never been good with words. Della had to keep telling him that she went away and she's not coming back, trying to explain death while still reeling from the shock of the news herself. At one point she got up and locked herself in the bathroom for a while, away from Alvar's questions and away from everything. Alden spent most of his days in his office, working. Della, on the other hand, had to take a break from work for a while. She knew the moment she left Everglen, she would be judged for grieving, grieving wrong, not grieving enough - whatever she did, it would be wrong. And it wasn't even her child who died. She wanted to comfort or help Edaline and Grady somehow, but she couldn't. She couldn't even get out of bed for a while. Alden didn’t really know this, because he'd been sleeping in his office.

All of this really affects Alvar's little child brain, but we can talk about his trauma another time. The planting happens, and the Vackers are right at the front. Alvar has finally gone quiet, and he seems to realize that she's really not coming back. He tries to go over to Brant after the proceedings, but he's kinda... unstable. Alden tells him it's time to go, so Alvar gives Brant a hug and goes back to his parents.

Even though they got that bit of closure, they're still broken. There's a wound that cannot be healed. A hole that cannot be filled. Della's mental health plummets, and for a bit, there is nobody taking care of Alvar. He plays alone in his room until he gets bored and goes to his parents room, where Della is usually curled up in bed, thinking too much and not thinking at the same time. Alden comes in one night and lays down next to her, reaching out his hand like they did when they were still figuring out how to be comfortable together. Della places her hand on top of his, and they sit there for a long time. Alvar comes in and crawls between them, placing his tiny hand on top of Della's. The three of them fall asleep there. 

Slowly, they recover. In a year they're seemingly okay again. But nothing is the same. Della and Alden are more distant from both each other and Alvar. And the wound never healed, only scarred over.

And whether that feeling of something missing affected their decision to have another child is up to speculation, but they did have another child. Part of it was also because Della felt like she had failed Alvar, that she had let him down when Jolie died, and she didn't know how to talk to him or fix things. He wasn't doing bad in Foxfire, he was actually doing better than Della had. But Alden didn't seem to think it was good enough. Or rather, his parents didn't. Alden didn't really seem all that bothered by anything Alvar was doing. He had a habit of getting too wrapped up in work, especially after Jolie died. But Alden's parents sometimes hailed him or came over, mostly to tell him how disappointed they were in how he was raising Alvar. And Della heard them blaming her, a few times. But she didn't know how to fix it. And he was still a level one - surely he had time to turn out okay?

They end up having Fitzroy Alden Fallon Avery Vacker, whose initials they did not think through (Jolie would have thought about it). But this time they feel like they're having this child alone. sure, it's their second one, but there's still no one to just... be with them. Help them. Della is still anxious, but she has no one to stop her from looking at the news, no baby stories to look back on except Alvar's, though even his have turned sad. Jolie was there for so many of them... 

Over time, they become a lot stricter with Alvar. And as Fitz (and Biana) grow older, both Alden and Della begin trying to force them into perfection. Alvar is so different and so unwilling to fit into what their family is supposed to be that Alden and Della have all but given up on him. And for Alvar, well it obviously doesn't feel great to be given up on, which really only makes him further apart from the others. He feels out of place everywhere. At home he isn't perfect enough, he has too much of an attitude, he's placed last in priority. At school, he's a Vacker. He can't escape it. It's who he is.

Prentice's mind break (if I'm mathing correctly) happened while Della was pregnant with Biana. And Alden was never really the same after it. He'd never been very talkative, but he became more distant than ever. He barely left his office, kept forgetting to eat or drink water or sleep. He got better over time, but he still smiles much less than he used to.

When Biana is born, the public doesn't really know how to feel about her. Two children is fine, but three? Isn't that pushing it a bit? So Biana grows up with people asking everything of her, but half expecting nothing. She was so scared she wasn't even going to manifest (which is a bit unrealistic but with the way things were exaggerated, she thought being talentless was very likely. Della was also very afraid of this possibility).

The happiest years for anyone in this family were from when Alvar was born to when Jolie died. Things don't seem like they'll ever be better.

Alden is forcing Fitz and Biana to be perfect to protect the family legacy. Della is forcing them to be perfect to protect them. She knows how cruel the world can be. But her “protection” doesn't come across in the best way. At home, she subtly brings attention to all their little flaws, and when they go out, she makes sure they hide them all. When they cry, she gently tells them not to, that it's okay, that they're okay, everything is okay.

After Alden recovered from the mind break, he suddenly started talking to Alvar (who was struggling a lot with Neverseen stuff and depression and an eating disorder at the time) more. And he wouldn't let Della know what they were talking about. Della stopped trusting Alden. Not that she ever truly had, but this was different.

And Alden and Della grew further apart. Nobody would know, of course, since when they're out in public or when others are around, they act as in love as ever. But sometimes they go all day without talking to each other. Della spends time with Fitz and Biana, takes them places, teaches them how to survive in this family. She teaches them how to be the best version of themselves. They are 3 and 5. Alvar is at school most of the day, and out doing... whatever until nearly sunset. Della could ask, but Alden seems like he has it covered, so it doesn't really matter. She knows she's starting to be apathetic again, and she doesn't want to be, especially when it comes to her kids, but it's so hard not to.

But then Alvar enters the elite levels, and Alden starts spending more time with Fitz. He keeps him in his office all day, but then Della goes in once and Alden is alone. Where is Fitz? She asks him, and he informs her that he's at a friend's house. Where did Fitz get friends? She should be happy for him, but something about all of this feels so wrong. But she doesn't press further. If she shows that she doesn't trust Alden, will people use that against her too? So she doesn't even question it, and instead works on becoming closer with Biana, so Alden can't take her away, too. Maybe she's being overdramatic about it, but that wrong feeling hasn't gone away. Maybe it's just anxiety. Maybe she's fine. No, she is fine. It's not a maybe. She's okay. Their family is okay.

This also creates a divide between Fitz and Biana, who used to be close as little kids. But now Fitz is disappearing every day, and Della is keeping Biana away from him and Alden, and Alvar never comes home, except briefly during breaks and weekends, but then he goes to stay stars know where. Fitz and Biana have vastly different personalities. Biana has learned to be confident and defensive, while Fitz... well, he doesn't know how to act around people. He's learned to depend only on Alden, because nobody else trusts him and he can't trust anyone else. The golden years of this corner of the family are far behind them, and now all they have is perfectionism, distrust, and a facade.

Della thinks that by bringing attention to all Fitz and Biana’s little flaws and imperfections, by pointing them out in subtle ways, she thinks that will give them a chance to "fix" them before the world notices and attacks them for it. She tells herself she wishes someone had done this to her before she had to learn for herself to be perfect. 

Fitz started going to foxfire, and Della can tell he's not really okay. Did they ever get him enrolled in tutor sessions? Maybe that's where he's been going off to? She hasn't been paying enough attention. They used to have dinner together as a family every night, but then Alden got busy, Fitz started bringing his food up to his room when he started school and became swamped with way more homework than what can be good and normal for an eleven year old. So Della usually ended up sitting at the table with Biana after making some food. She figures this is a good meal to skip. Two meals a day is more than enough.

Suddenly, everything changes. Suddenly, Sophie is there, and Fitz seems so much less tired. He seems less stressed. He joins Biana and Della for dinner, and sometimes even Alden sits and eats with them as well. Things are far from perfect, but Alden is smiling genuinely again. Only sometimes, but it's there. Della decides she likes this change. But she also realizes something...

Fitz was always either away or sick, Sophie was in the forbidden cities, where there are lots of human illnesses (she knows from experience). Alden never told her why he had Fitz get up so early to talk to him alone, Alden never talks to her anymore, goddamnit- what was Fitz doing? Alden couldn't have found Sophie. He couldn't have, she knows for a fact he never leaves! He was meeting with the council right before Sophie arrived with Fitz, in her strange human clothes, and Fitz was wearing human clothes and prime sources, she's thinking about this too much and she can't breathe - this has been going on for so long?? How could she not have seen?

No, she needs to stay calm. She... needs to talk to Alden about this. He's been busy today, but she takes two plates of food to his office in the evening, gently opens the door, and sits by him. Alden clearly thinks this is unusual, but she can't tell if it's in a positive or negative way. But that's not important. They need to talk. After a few bites of food, she prepares the question. Were you sending Fitz to the Forbidden Cities? she prepares it in her mind, has it on the tip of her tongue, she opens her mouth to speak, but what comes out instead is...

“How was your day?” 

Alden blinks, like that's not what he was expecting. It's not what Della was expecting either. But she's not ready to confront his lies, she's not ready to face the reality of the danger Fitz was in for quite possibly eight years? And that's how Alden and Della end up sitting in Alden's office for hours, having the longest, most normal conversation they've had in years. They sit together and watch the sun set. Della leans on him. She missed having someone to hold her. Alden missed the feeling of being loved.

Alden and Della sort of work on mending their relationship after this, but they don't really talk about Fitz and what Alden had him do. Della never feels ready to bring it up, and eventually she puts the whole thing out of her mind. After all, Fitz is fine, it's like it never happened. But it did happen, and she doesn't notice the ways this affected Fitz because she's too busy pretending everything is fine and forcing him to do the same! Sometimes it's less pretending and more just. lying to herself. Trying to trick herself into believing. One of the ways she's done this for herself these past decades is telling herself that other people have it worse. If someone is suffering more than her, her pain doesn't matter. going to the Forbidden Cities kind of ingrained this in her brain more, as she saw people who were literally starving to death on the street, and here she was, living in this fancy mansion with a good husband - after all, he's not abusive or anything, and she really loves him. Things are just… weird, sometimes. And she sort of ends up passing this mentality down to Biana and Fitz? There's a time in Flashback where Fitz says it's only fair that all this is happening - because everyone else in the friend group had a really hard time at least at one point in their life, and usually over a long time - he's fine! He's had it good. How could he complain?

Alden went to Exile with Sophie in book 2, but nobody knew about it. Well, nobody was supposed to know, until Sophie transmitted to Fitz and got him all freaked out. All Della really knows is that he got hurt on a mission from the Council, and he really didn’t seem to want to talk about it. When she tried to ask, he used the “no reason to worry” phrase three different times in that conversation. He was clearly stressed and upset about something, but he convinced her to drop it. He ended up falling asleep in his office that night, but that happens sometimes. Everything was looking bright for everyone else, until the Opening Ceremonies. You all know what happened there, so i’m not gonna go into it, but when Alden’s mind broke, Della was devastated. As far as everyone knew, he wasn’t coming back. He was dead, they had a planting for him. She didn’t eat for days. Alvar was basically taking care of the whole family, because Alden was gone and Della spent most of her time by Alden’s side, trying to bring him back. Alvar tried to convince her to leave every day, until one day he snapped and yelled at her, he’s gone and he’s not coming back, stop hoping. It was the same kind of thing she had told him when they lost Jolie. 

But unlike Jolie, Alden did come back, and the Vackers tried to erase the phase of their life where he was gone. They wanted to pretend that Keefe was right, that everything had gone back to perfection in Vacker Land. But this kind of thing leaves a lasting effect. They were afraid to even talk about what had happened with Alden, for fear that he’d break from the guilt of being gone and affecting them like that. Della still visits his Wanderling sometimes, not to mourn, but... for some other reason. There’s something surreal about looking at the tree, knowing full well Alden is okay at home. 

Another quick thing I want to touch on is in book 3 when Alden and Fitz went to help with Fintan’s mind healing. Della and Biana spent the afternoon and evening together, trying to do fun things to take their mind off of things. But then they heard about the fire and saw pictures before Alden and Fitz had even come home, and they understandably freaked out. The fire had consumed half of Eternalia, how could they have gotten out? How could they be okay? But they were, and both Vackers were strangled with hugs as soon as they got back. 

Della went with Fitz and Biana to join the Black Swan, partially because she wanted to, partially because she felt she should keep an eye on them and keep them at least semi in line, and partially because she wanted to escape the world and their pressing stares. And Everglen, a little bit. Juline was there, of course, but Della didn’t really know it was her. 

When Squall wasn't busy and didn't need to rush home, Della actually ended up talking to her a bit. Della was a little more honest (key word a little) with her because she obviously wasn't like the general public - she's a Black Swan member. At one point Squall actually thinks Della is about to call her out on being Juline when Della tells her she reminds her of someone she used to know, and hey, she's a Froster, too! But Della seems genuinely unaware as she sort of explains what happened with this old friend of hers - she's a bad match, and Della was seen talking with her... and she felt like she had no choice but to cut her off. Squall listens, but only half processes it because she's waiting for the "you're Juline aren't you?" But it never comes. 

After Alvar’s betrayal, Della knew a lot of people blamed her for how he ended up. After all, how could Alden Vacker have gone wrong? It was clearly Della’s influence that caused this. And she blames herself, too. She gave up on him. She didn’t talk to him enough. This whole thing also made the distrust in the Vacker family a lot worse - either Fitz or Biana said in Lodestar that it was like their parents wanted to know everything they’re doing, every place they go. They didn’t trust them. Fitz and Biana were growing closer after everything that had happened the past few years, but Della and Alden didn’t trust them, didn’t trust each other. This led to a lot of arguments between them and the kids, maybe not screaming matches, but raised voices and slammed fists and fighting back tears. When Keefe joined the Neverseen, Fitz shut himself in his room until school started again. He got quieter, and started to feel like he couldn’t trust anyone, even his sister, who he’d been taught to keep secrets from at a very young age. Della wanted to fix this somehow, she didn’t want to lose them like she’d lost Alvar - She wouldn’t give up on them. But she ended up just becoming overbearing and seemingly nosy. She thought she was helping. 

If I remember correctly, the others got told that Squall is Juline in Lodestar when they came to pick up their kids from Rimeshire. Juline gathers everyone and says she has to tell them something, and when she reveals it, Della's smile drops faster than it ever has and she feels blood drain from her face. Juline never looks directly at her, and Della is panicking, thinking about how Juline must hate her. She wonders if she should try to push her away more, but... at this point what does it matter? Fitz and Biana already spend lots of time with Dex, and they just slept over at the Dizznees- she joined an illegal organization with them for stars’ sake! So... it's fine. It's okay for her to be here, at rimeshire, talking to Juline. The world is changing, and people have bigger things to talk about than Alden Vacker’s wife sharing a conversation with Juline Dizznee. As they leave Rimeshire, Juline meets her eyes and offers a small smile. Della nods in return. 

When Alvar had his memories wiped and returned to Everglen, Della was determined to help him. She had this second chance, she wasn’t going to ruin it. She wanted to really believe he’d changed. But then Alvar got his memories back, and in front of the whole world at the celestial festival, he told everyone how his parents had given up on him. Della and Alden were watching that entire thing, as the world watched them, and Della couldn’t breathe. She watched Fitz threaten to kill Alvar, and for a few horrifying moments she thought she was about to lose both of them. And it was her fault, wasn’t it? That’s what everyone said. They blamed her. Alvar blamed her. She wouldn’t be surprised if Fitz and Biana blamed her, too. 

Ever since what the world has canonically deemed the “Scandal at Everglen,” things in the Vacker family have not gotten better. Alden had been talking to Fitz about matchmaking for a while, encouraging him to pursue Sophie as a romantic interest. Eventually they do get together. Della tries to be happy for him, but she still sees this and thinks, maybe give them time. If she could go back, she would have wanted to enjoy her life before committing to the Match forever. She’s almost relieved when Sophie and Fitz don’t work out. She thinks it’ll be better for Fitz in the end. She knows he’s been isolating himself from his family, from the world after the Scandal at Everglen, which is understandable. They all seem to think he’s crazy. He’s seventeen, and he almost killed his own brother, right there. But Della was watching, too, and she saw that it was Gethen doing the manipulating. Using the right words, would they make Fitz turn out like Alvar? The thought still chills her to this day. 

I don’t really have a good way to wrap it up other than I don’t think anything good will be happening to the Vackers anytime soon (except Biana, she seems to be doing relatively good compared to the rest). But yeah those are my Della thoughts :) 

Lastly, art tags:

@cutebisexualmess @void-kill @lemon-girl-in-devil-town @keefe--sencen @tastetherainbow290 

@myfairkatiecat @awful-amateur @aspenaspenaspenaspenaspen @necromycologist @cosmxc-ars3hol3

[livesworthlivingau]

Behind the Vale Chapter 25

Spoilers for ISAT/Two Hats below! CW: Mental Spiraling, and Pining, so much pining... It's a Vale chapter, what do you expect at this point?!

"Wow, they're out like a log, they must be a heavy sleeper like Sif." {Za remarks at Vale's sleeping form lying on the couch, head in your lap. You and Frin share a sudden glance and quickly look away.}

"Y-Yeah! What a funny coincidence!" {Frin horribly tries to play it off, causing you to hold back a snort.}

"Yeah, they've done a good bit of travelling like y'all, just got used to all the noise I guess." {You more casually play it off, smiling as you glance back down at their very softly snoring face.}

"Why are you looking at them like that?" {Bon asks, causing you to blink a few times, your face going a little darker as you didn't realize you were staring again.}

"L-Like what?!"

"Like Za looks at Frin." {Bon flatly remarks with slightly furrowed brows. All 3 of you practically leaping out of your seats at that.}

"B-Bonnie!" {You and Za shout together, Frin ducking back into their cloak with a blush.}

"What?! She is! Do you crabbing like them or something?!" {Bon shouts back defensively. All the commotion causing Vale to stir a little on your lap. You make a 'zip it' gesture to Bon, your face still running rather hot as they roll their eyes, cross their arms and make a little pout. You quickly try to shake your fluster off.}

[You awaken with a light yawn, rubbing at your eye. You glance about for a moment, blinking and blushing deeply as you realized your head was resting on Nille's lap. You look up at her face, also slightly flushed, smiling down at you with a chuckle before she speaks.]

"Good morning sleepy head~." [You quickly sit up, clearing your throat and trying to compose yourself.]

"G-Good morning..."

"It's like 3 in the afternoon." [The Kid says flatly, arms crossed, glaring at you for some reason...]

"Ah... Apologies, I must have dozed off, I didn't sleep well last night." [You explain, realizing the Fighter was sitting nearby now as well. He smiles kindly at you as you notice his presence.]

"Oh, was the couch uncomfortable? We can try to make it easier for you tonight." [He offers before you quickly shake your hands to dissuade his concerns.]

"N-No, no, not that... just a lot on my mind as of late, please don't worry about it." [You insist, to which he notes your reluctance and drops the subject.]

[You still feel the Kid's eyes boring into the side of your head, you turn back to them, meeting that intense gaze of theirs.]

"Can... I help you?"

"Nope!" [They respond, continuing to stare]

"Bonnie! Behave yourself!"

"BEHAVE YOUR CRABBING SELF!" [They shout before storming back off to the kitchen.]

"Uhh... did I miss something?" [You look to the others in confusion, no one meets your eyes.]

"Just... hold on, I'll talk to them" [Nille says with a sigh, getting up to follow. You're now left alone with Stardust and the Fighter... You already miss the Kid shouting at you for no reason.]

"So!... Is it 'another time' yet?" [He asks you, attempting to casually break the awkward silence.]

"Excuse me?"

"Your story, you said it was for another time!" [He explained with a grin, to which you sigh and wrap your arms around yourself lightly.]

"You don't have to of course! O-Only if you're okay with it.." [Stardust adds. You give a nod in response.]

"I already told Stardust earlier, and there are... details I'd prefer to keep between us two and Nille."

"Sorry, I don't mean to pry too much, you've just got me real curious." [The Fighter elaborates.]

"Of course, how could you not be curious of this beautiful face~?" [You tease, posing a little with your hand under your chin. The Fighter gives a hearty laugh at that. You're still rather vulnerable but you try to slip the mask back on, a little at a time.]

"Well... I guess the short of it is rather simple... I ate a star, it turned me into the one you met during Stardust's loops, and then I made another wish... To get rid of it... So it went supernova and I had to tear it out of my chest~!" [You remark playfully, only for the Fighter's expression to drop heavily.]

"Y-You... wow... that couldn't have felt good..."

"Oh certainly not~! I stopped breathing for a bit there, if Nille hadn't been there..." [Your voice trails off a little... Would that have been better for us? For everyone? We'd have left them all better off certainly... You perk up as you feel a familiar hand on your shoulder, looking up to see Nille standing behind the couch, smiling down at you...]

"Well I was, so no sense in worrying about any what ifs now."

"Right..." [You place your hand over hers, squeezing it gently.]

"Is Bonbon okay?" [Stardust perks up at her return.]

"I think so, just... got a lot of emotions rattling around up there. They'll be fine soon enough I'm sure."

"What's gotten into them? They were fine yesterday." [You ask, sure they were a child but they weren't that unreasonable.]

"Probably just scared you're gonna steal their sister from them!" [The fighter chimes in with 'joke', laughing it off some. You feel Nille's grip on your shoulder tighten a little... You feel your face heat up just the slightest bit.]

"I think they're just confused about having someone new around. If you're up for it the 3 of us should hang out together sometime, get the chance to show them you're part of the family too!" [Your whole body tenses at those words. Part of the family, now that's a laugh… Stardust starts to stand and speak.]

"I'll go talk to them, I think I can help explain some stuff." [They head off into the kitchen, leaving you alone with Nille and the Fighter.]

"So, Vale, why don't you tell me about yourself?" [He asks with that always sickeningly sweet smile... Because we'd rather die of course~!]

"Oh there's not much to say really! Just a simple former star with penchant for fashion and style, that's about the long and short of it~!" [You flaunt with your mask fully slipped on once more, that oh so fake, bright smile on full display. Nille sits back down beside you, giving an unimpressed look at she clearly notices.]

"Oh come on, there's gotta be more than that! What about before all this? Before you ate that star?" [You flinch. How did we not come up with a cover story for this?! Of course they're going to ask about our past!! You damned fool we're so BLINDED!!!]

"They... Really don't like talking about their past... before the loops and all... best to avoid that topic. For now at least." [Nille quickly tries to cover, mumbling the last bit under her breath towards you.]

"Ah, sorry, I'll try not to bring it up again... But fashion huh? I've always wanted to be a designer myself! Maybe I could get your opinion on some stuff I've been working on sometime!" [You glance over to Nille, hoping for another assist, only for her to glare back at you. There's no way out... blind it all...]

"Th-That sounds wonderful! I'd love to sometime!" [WE. WILL. PERISH!]

[cosmicbrowniebox]

spinoff episode 1: i wonder why.

wc 1163

pairings: najf!yn x kenma kozume (third years)

warnings: kinda angst? alot of it is assuming and overthinking on yn part but yeah hope u guys enjoy this its one of my first fics after being on hiatus

main story masterlist

Staring at him felt weird, it always had been after someone asked Kenma if the two of us had been dating one of us always had been quick to say “oh no were just friends nothing is going on between us” even though i just kept suppressing the feelings i had deep down inside for him letting them gnaw at my chest for years giving up and then trying again ever since the first day we had met. 

I remember the first time someone asked us that. It had been Nekomata-sensei who had asked us in a passing comment a few months after we started getting close in our first year, “yaku-chan I wonder if you and Kenma-kun are dating.” he had asked me while I was filling up water bottles on one of the team's breaks it had caught me off guard for a moment i had felt my cheeks get all red “n-no sensei! We aren't together” i had told him earning me a smile in my direction from nekomata-sensei 

I remember his words like it was always around in the back of my mind, even now in our third year of high school, all the third years gone. Now we had been the seniors helping mentor our underclassmen “Oh Kenma-kun and i aren't dating Haiba-kun” i said what felt like was the hundredth time reiterating it for him that we hadn't been dating even though we always hung around each other we always denied it because there was no way he would like someone he never seemed like the type.

I turned my head to the side and spotted Kenma walking over to us with his water bottle in hand. “Do you need it refilled?” I asked, “Yes, if you could,” he told me with an appreciative look as he handed it to me.

With my back turned as I filled his water, listening to the sounds of sharp hits of balls against the floor and the wind breezing past us i felt the hairs on the back of my neck tingle at the sensation of the air hitting the back of my neck that felt nice most of the team had decided to go sit outside while on their break from practice since it was a sunny day 

“What was Lev asking you?” Kenma asked me with a curious look as he watched the giant-looking second-year walk back over to where most of the team had been sitting so he could talk to some of the first years and the new first-year manager I had been mentoring so she could take over once we third years leave she's a sweet girl i feel like she’ll do good for the team since the other first years get along with her well and so do the second years as well as sensei 

“He was asking if we were dating again,” I answered, twisting the lid of his bottle shut so nothing would spill kenma gave a confused look i don't think he ever understood why people always asked us if we were dating he had to have thought of us as just friends i mean it was obvious right? He probably had to think of me as like his friend's younger sister, so I was off-limits or something, knowing how morisuke was.

“Why do they always ask can't we just be friends?” he said to me with an annoyed huff  it made my heart ache in a way id never felt before i had heard that sentence so many times since becoming kenma’s friend but now it felt different like he was rejecting me even though it wasn't intentional it still felt like a gut punch to me like he was unintentionally saying he wouldn't ever want to think of me that way 

“Yeah, it's always so awkward when people question us about it like they think we're hiding something,” I responded, turning my back to him as I started to fill up more water bottles that I had in a little holder beside me

“I wonder why they think that I mean people never accuse Yachi-chan and Hinata-kun of dating even tho they are so close,” I pointed out almost seeming absentmindedly as the water gushed into the bottle

“I dunno maybe they're just looking for gossip because they're bored,” he answered, seeming almost nonchalant as he took a drink out of his water It was a rare sight to see him not glued to his PSP on breaks “it's always for gossip” i answered back screwing on the cap of the bottle tight “do you wanna come over tonight i got this new game i think you would like it's like the one we used to play ages ago i think it's by the same company” he asked me rambling on about it for a moment before stopping 

“If you don't wanna, I get it, you probably have stuff,” he added. I nearly wanted to laugh because I had known all my plans for this weekend where to sit in my room since I wasn't able to visit Yachi-chan and see all of our friends at Karasuno “i'd love to come over it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun i can bring snacks if you want?” i told him getting a nod in return it was always nice when he had the little bouts of talking he did when we had breaks because it always seemed like a bit of opening to learn more and more about him. 

Kenma Kozume was like a long story to me, a story I never wanted to shut, a story I would keep close to my chest as long as I could because of how perfect he had always been to me, like a painting no person would dream of parting with at an auction 

“That would be nice,” he responded with a slight nod as he spoke, “I'll bring over those little apple bites you always like when I make them,” I added, knowing he had always appreciated when i did little things like that well, I didn't know more assumed because he always ate them right up when we took breaks from our gaming sessions 

“Did I tell you in that one Sims world we made when you came over, the one day our characters got new pets I ended up naming the cat your sim got Apple, and I named my sim’s dog chicken” i told him i always gave him the little updates on our sim world since we made it on my computer instead of his and it was fun telling him everything our characters would do 

We had let them get married in our Sims world since we thought it would be funny having them live together, since Kenma and I had always been hanging around each other or arguing like a old married couple

It was always just us. Just how I liked it. 

[lovemyromance]

The thing is, if Lucien hadn't said "You're my mate" that day in Hybern -

Would we still even be talking about Elucien?

Because let's just imagine he didn't. Their mating bond still exists, right? Even if he didn't announce it to the room.

Let's think through ACOWAR & ACOFAS & ACOSF.

Think about the few interactions we have between Elain & Lucien. Would you look at that couple and say "Yeah - these guys are mates?" Or even "Yeah - these guys have something romantic"

No.

Because ALL their interactions are described as uncomfortable and awkward and they are explicitly written to leave the room instead of taking to the other.

Read Nessian & Feysand interactions, pre-mating bond discovery. We ALL knew they were going to end up together. It wasn't guesswork, it was SJM writing scenes with them together showing us their chemistry even if they didn't like each other at that point in the story. It was obvious to all of us, even before we knew what fated mates were.

Fated mates is a fantasy romance SJM trope but it's not NEW. It's romance and before they were fated mates, Nessian & Feysand were serving up everything included in a normal ROMANCE.

Now let's go back to Elucien, present day. Even KNOWING that they are mates, they STILL don't act like it. SJM doesn't even write about them together. It's like if I said "This couple is married" and you observed their interactions for 3 years and they can't even be in the same room together.

Is that romance?

The only thing the Elucien bond is setting up is an obstacle for Elriel. If it were setting up for a romance, SJM would have shown SOME chemistry between Elain & Lucien in the past 3 books.

"But Feyre hated Rhys and Nesta knees Cassian-"

Yeah, you see how they had INTERACTIONS? They had amusing banter, they had conversations and they shared the page and SJM wrote about them TOGETHER. There were plenty of Nessian moments before we got a POV from Nesta in ACOSF. There were plenty of Feysand moments in ACOTAR.

Elain & Lucien do not need a whole BOOK before they even interact. If SJM were setting up for their book, they'd have SOME moments together that proved to us that they'd work as a couple - that might secretly like each other - that there IS chemistry.

But every single time they do interact - it's NEGATIVE. Or forced. It's not like they're hissing at each other while eying the other up. They straight up... do not interact.

"But Nesta & Feyre keep Lucien away"

Nope. Maybe for a max of 20 pages does Nesta hiss at Lucien. Feyre literally hosts a tea between him and Elain IN ACOWAR. She nudges Elain to invite him to Velaris. She hosts another uncomfy tea in ACOFAS. She invites him to solstice.

Feyre & Nesta are NOT keeping Lucien away from Elain. Elain is avoiding him because she does not want him. And Lucien is keeping away from her because he KNOWS that she does not want him.

It's as simple as that.

If Elucien were endgame, we'd see some scrap of chemistry between them. And I'm sorry but putting ALL your faith in a mating bond is crazy when you consider the fact that:

SJM literally went on the Today show and talked about rejected mates

SJM has written more Elriel than Elucien

SJM had multiple characters question the Elucien mating bond

SJM literally confirmed the cauldron was wrong in a whole other series and had Azriel present for that moment

Every Elucien interaction (yah all 4-5 of them across 3.5, 800+ page books) is uncomfortable