#still am in the right circumstances but
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every time i go insane over him i remember that he's a glorified theatre kid and a MAN and it resets me a little (not much)
Y’all see my occasional tags, im always trying to remind myself he’s a man and it never works its just like this is a MAN, calm down
#asks#the theatre kid thing I look past because I was one#still am in the right circumstances but#I can’t fault him for that but he gives off the vibes as being the only guy that everyone has a crush on#in theater
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#i miss our boys so much#i miss them so much and it isn't fair they all had to go together#I don't normally apply the word fair to this sort of thing#unless we are talking murder or children or some other tragedy#natural death from illness isn't fair or unfair#it just...is#it happens#but this#the circumstances of it#this was not fair#im sure ive made this same post already but it just keeps hurting#the babies spend the nights in the studio so i am still so lonely#it will get better that's why the babies are here and we are all learning to love each other and things will be good again#but right now the house still feels empty#and i guess it always will be#just a little
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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Hear me out: I think if Éomer had joined the Fellowship rather than Boromir, his plotline would've been similar.
Imagine if Éomer, disenchanted, frustrated, and at his wit's end with the mysterious spell Théoden was under due to Saruman/Wormtongue, somehow heard about the Council of Elrond and traveled to Rivendell to seek advice or even a means of healing for Théoden. Imagine if Éomer was chosen to represent the race of Men in the Fellowship.
Like Boromir, Éomer is desperate to save his land from the corruption, destruction, and desolation that is pressing in. Éomer feels the heavy weight of responsibility to stand up for the good and right in place of his uncle and father figure who has fallen to some delusion. Just as Boromir feels for Gondor, Éomer of Rohan is passionate about protecting his people, his beloved sibling, his homeland. He has the qualities of a leader, is proactive, ready to step up and be king himself if/when the need arises. And both of them them are action-oriented heroes who take delight in the glory of conquest.
I can see Éomer in the same place of desperation as Boromir. Maybe the Ring could save his uncle! Surely he, Éomer, a noble man, could wield the Ring's power to take down the awful Wormtongue and bring him to justice! Perhaps this thought would eat at his mind as the days passed, as it did to Boromir.
So all I'm saying is that I really think Éomer would have much the same plotline as Boromir had he been at the Council of Elrond/included in the Fellowship. I know you can't really replace the character of Boromir with Éomer without doing some major changing to the whole story, and by no means am I saying it should be that way. I just think that it's simply the fact that Éomer did not know about the Ring and was not in close proximity to it nor closely involved with the quest surrounding it, that his story takes him high while Boromir's story took him low. I believe the two of them are similar in temperament and motive, so similar that Éomer could've met the same fate as Boromir had he been in that position.
#i feel like im just rambling here lol#but i am still convinced boromir and eomer are alike in a lot of ways#and that eomer could easily have had the same fate as boromir under the right circumstances#lotr#lord of the rings#eomer#eomer of rohan#boromir#rohan#gondor#the one ring#the fellowship of the ring#the council of elrond#theoden
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honestly when i tried to figure out why some fans are so mad at ivypool these days i was looking through avos and. the scene where ivypool apologises to twigpaw for not supporting sending a patrol for skyclan is genuinely very sweet??
i actually saw someone characterize this as "ivypool forcing twigpaw to forgive her". is it crack you smoke. is that what you smoke. you smoke crack?
#she apologises THREE SEPARATE TIMES#she acknowledges that dovewing and tigerheart's situation made her ignore twigpaw's feelings#she reassures twigpaw that this is the right thing for the clans. she tells her she's proud of her & tc is lucky to have her#you guys do understand that to apologise you have to Do Something Wrong?? or is that the part that's so unforgivable?#i am fASCINATED by the treatment of dove and ivy by the fans in recent years#i'm still pondering it but i think there are a few root causes#1) I think a lot of people read oots as kids and hated dove & identified with ivy because of the underdog storyline#maybe this fandom worship of dovewing is kinda part of that? wanting to feel like you've grown out of fandom misogyny?#but i also feel like 2) tigerdove has really increased dovewing's popularity#and i think because ivypool is so staunchly opposed to their relationship people then have to villainise ivypool#3) is maybe too spicy of a take but to be honest#i think people are subconsciously way more comfortable with a woman whose story ends in heterosexual marriage and childrearing#dovewing's mom role in TBC to shadowsight probably helped her popularity#so ivypool whose relationship w Fernsong & her kits is much less of a focus. and is mUCH less maternal#and who still exhibits Ugly Female Emotions like anger and hurt#and who God Forbid now holds a position of authority...#is too complicated to fit into :) she's such a good mom :) she's such a good mate#dovewing is easier to like because she tends to be a victim of circumstances (🤫 and often lacks agency in her storylines)#since ivypool regularly uses her agency to Fuck Up#fans revert to idealising dovewing because not only is she too good to do bad things. she also doesn't do Things in general#never mind that ivypool is the one who sacrifices and apologises#anyway <3 i think if i made a full analysis of ivy and dove post OOTS i would get too many spicy anons so i will cower in the tags
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Okay so I have been obsessed with EPIC for a while now, and I was scrolling recently and found this little snippet floating around. Looking at the person made me think of Vex'ahlia from Critical Role, which immediately made me think of a Critical Role/Epic AU.
But instead of the normal dynamic of Odysseus and Penelope my brain immediately defaulted to Percy being the one waiting at home and making this challenge to the suitors to string Vex's old bow. And like... I don't argue with my brain when it comes to creativity. Then it started to snowball. I do not need to write an AU right now, but it won't leave my head.
Oooooh I have so many thoughts.
#critical role#epic: the musical#vex'ahlia#percival de rolo#percahlia#critical role au#What does Percy make and unmake during the night? He creates and melts down parts for an intricately carved pocket watch#why is Percy being passive? Well he married Vex and moved to Syngorn of course#Where has Vex been for twenty years? Trying to get back from putting down an ancient dragon and every other monster that got in her way#What is the Bow? Feanthras obviously#Why did Vex not take it with her? Same reasoning that Odysseus didn't take his bow to Troy#Why is Vex in a position of power? Because Syldor died (of mysterious circumstances) and Velora was too young#The Dawnfather is Athena#Vesper is Telemachus#in my head Percy is draped in a mourning veil and tasteful symbols of both the Archheart and Dawnfather while making the challenge#because he is mourning both his autonomy and hopefully the suitors#while making a plea to both the god of his new home and the god of his childhood to protect his daughter#yes Vesper still gets into a Little Wolf like fight#yes she would have eventually strung Fenthras like Telemachus almost strung Odysseus' bow#I need to stop or else I am going to start writing this and I do NOT have time right now
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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Thinking again about my plans for Vash and Knives in ITNL
Which I can't really get into the specifics for How I'm going to do things w/o going into spoiler territory. But I Do have Vash & Knives tagged on the fic for a reason. I set up in the first chapter that Vash is determined to try to save Knives too.
Which. That choice, as well as the entire basis for all of this, depends so much on that final fight in trimax. The one that was literally a scene away from where ITNL Vash went back in time. His mentality just a hair's width away from that...
At the end of trimax, there was reconciliation, however brief and incomplete it was. In ITNL, my question to myself was How could I induce that again? Under different circumstances, How Else could we get there? And that is the long-game in ITNL.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#i say reconciliation instead of redemption. because i think redemption is a difficult thing to capture well.#and it would require Knives to feel remorse or regret for his actions. which i dont think he would really.#but. potentially. if the stars align. maybe his goals can be redirected into something productive.#and maybe reconciliation can be achieved. just maybe.#the redirection here is important bc i dont think Knives would abandon his ideals Even If Vash got thru to him#but the key is convincing him that theres another way. that he can protect the plants w/o killing humanity.#easier said than done though. vash and knives are two peas in a pod after all. so incredibly stubborn.#but vash would want to try. because he Doesnt want to kill anyone. not even knives. though if it ended up necessary.....#well. better to try for reconciliation first. that one's as a last resort lol.#ultimately vash Does miss his brother. we see this at the end of trimax. that's the crux of that moment i think. for both of them.#realizing that once upon a time they only had each other. they were Brothers. they were Close. and they both Miss That.#those feelings were buried under miles of anger and resentment on both sides. but under the right circumstances.....#thats why it's important that ITNL was a hair's width away from that scene. bc he was on the verge of having that realization himself.#i replaced that moment with ITNL vash feeling thru the plant conglomerate the whole of knives' self. and his Realization.#the Knowledge that the brother he used to love is still in there somewhere. but he also wouldnt be able to survive this.#and thus his about-turn from 'nothing remained of the brother he loved. he had to stop him.' to 'i'm sorry. i'll save you too.'#hfalhxksd ultimately it's all so FINICKY and ive barely touched on it so far in ITNL. bc Knives has been off in the goop tube or whatever#but ive given it a Lot of thought. and id be so close to Getting There... to the next steps at least... if i kept writing.#hrrgmg. i am Thinking Thoughts...
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One of my favorite character traits that Junpei has is how as much as he's protective and caring to his favorite people and impulsively jumps into danger to help others if he has an opportunity to without wanting anything in return and highly values the promises he makes he just seems to also always be more curious than he is sensible or empathetic, he gets so caught up on the horrors he sees but he has such a hard time looking away, he's right to analyze and be intrigued by the ninth man's remains but he stands around staring at it until he pukes, in the showers you can interact with the wall behind which lies "Snake's" corpse and he will pick up more details about it each time you click on it until he has to mentally rip himself away because it's not that he can't keep looking at it it's that he better look away and focus on getting out, and the way he talks to Clover about the body with every minutiae she wouldn't want to hear is like his brain connects faster to his mouth than it can connect to his sense of morality sometimes which I guess turned out to be a good thing in this one case or just good common sense in general like there's other minor things he blurts out at times, he's stated to not have tact be his strongest suit, he's insensitive on accident trying to fumble through interactions even if he's entirely confident on what he's saying he's soo sharp when he has a goal in mind but he's soo dense if he's trying to just exist my man is so traumatized and his brain always seems to default to taking the most of any given situation in as possible to desensitize himself instead of any other response and sometimes it pushes his mind to be so single mindedly entranced on not ending up that way too that he'll describe a mangled body in excruciating detail to a grieving relative even if that's his friend and even if he feels guilty about it immediately as soon as he catches up with what just left his mouth instead of staying in his thoughts
#I did it I made a post about Junpei without talking about the Kurashikis!!#I am... still doing that here in the tags because that's how this train of thought started but... akdhsk#like I just started thinking how even in the everything is fine and junepei still has the capacity to be a healthy couple AU in my head#he would still have moments™ like this#how he would make invasive little questions about uncomfortable things to reminisce about#not realize he's overstepping right away not deal in the best way with Akane's meltdowns if she's doing bad enough to have them#kind of like in door 3 as in still being touchy and stuff but nothing bad on purpose#nothing like pushing her around like I still can't believe he canonically does in zero tiem dilemma#but yeah basically that's it that's the post I like Junpei a lot despite not being as present in my every waking thought as other character#and I love this about him love that he isn't just completely heroic that he has to struggle a bit#he's a protagonist that feels so generic for the first few minutes but he's anything but the more you play#I love how No One in ze is a good flawless person the way stories usually portray#they have quirks and hang ups that they are capable of doubling down on or turning for the worse under circumstances that push them to#again not. really including zerotiemdillema on that one but you get what I mean#zero escape#zero escape spoilers#999 spoilers#junpei 999#junpei tenmyouji#every character in this series who ultimately wants to do good has to struggle so much with the horrors around them and in themselves for i#and then there still aren't right simple answers and they still try for the slim possibility that things can be okay this time and I love i#escape room convention but it's a time loop
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I was maybe halfway into this when I realized this could have been an edit but. Can anyone hear me
#fire emblem#feh#LIKE YEAH THAT WHOLE MONOLOGUE WAS AN ACT. BUT THIS IS MORE TO DEMONSTRATE#how triandra REFUSES to look past her guilt at all costs. she is ALWAYS so quick to condemn herself#meanwhile alfonse given the right circumstances under the right pressure.#he will go full sicko mode.#LIKE .... AUGHHHHH i can't fully capture it but. they have complete opposite mental/emotional approaches to what they had to do.#AND complete opposite attitudes about it. like alfonse is absolutely remorseful over gustav#and the abuse/neglect he got from gustav is way more nuanced than triandra's father adding even more complexity to it#but like. alfonse's greatest strength and weakness (i like to believe anyway lmfao) is he is practical.#LIKE. TO ALFONSE. the ends justify the means. meanwhile triandra did what she had to and yet#still WHOLEHEARTEDLY believes she's in the wrong for it. like two wrongs don't make a right.#even though her and peony's situation WAS life or death. she still sees what she had to do as#a crime she can never be absolved from.#am i making sense. i am unmedicated.#fe alfonse#fe triandra#my art
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mmmmmm listening to murder ballads of 1816: the year without a summer by american murder song and...i think it sparked some inspiration for a supernatural western original storyline where syb would make a good protagonist
#very little of her backstory and circumstances would change too#throw in a little 'mark of cain' here. some demons and angels there.#my biggest puzzle is dealing with the period typical sexism lmao#that said she would be cross dressing/disguising herself as a man#maybe i'll subtly adapt/rename 'jacob' into a demon with a hellhound in this one#dw i'm still working on katc and i want to finish her#but like a magpie i am suddenly distracted by a shiny new idea#mind you it's ALL VIBES right now#whining wombat
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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thinking about vampiric arakawas again just so i can make a 'blood-sucking politician' joke
#snap chats#have i ever posted my vampire arakawa musings. i think i did long ago in a distant land. or at least for halloween vjaERLVKJ#anyway i was having my evening stroll with my dog and thinking about how much i love dark-renaissance age stories and whatever#which is a weird way to lead into vampires since At Least Dracula vampire stories dont start until the victorian - progressive era#though i guess you can do whatever you want with mythical creatures and its not as if vampiric stories cant start during the 1400s either#theyre immortal and Not Real (i hope) so anythings possible theres no need to be super restrictive#i am. literally not getting to the point Point Is it could be funny .....#thats why they cna be really good assassins like just eat your targets tf <- vampires dont eat people#but then of course i have to wonder the implications ... oh ive definitely made this post but im still curious#fuuuck man i wanted to make my joke but i just realized how do i even get to that joke cause i dont think masato would be a vampire#dhampir as i definitely said way back then IF THAT. what were the circumstances wait shut up why are there police next door#bro im too nosy this post is interrupted hang on#not nosy enough to keep watching im bored its probably nothing anyawy. cause i think sawashiro and ikumi woudlve been human#like during the uhhh idk dark ages and maybe arakawa turns sawashiro into a vampire later on but what of masato .....#idk im not gonna think too hard about it. right now just take my blood-sucking politician joke idea we'll figure it out later#stopppp i was wondering about vampires in japanese pop culture but then i rmemebered mandurugo WHICH. are filipino but STILL FOUL#im everywhere im ending the post now bye#wait i have to end this post cause why tf did my bestie send me a tweet being like 'look forward to the future of chao'#since shadow x sonic generations is coming soon LIKE DONT PLAY WITH ME AVBOUT CHAO I DONT PLAY ABOUT THEM FUCKERS#ok im ending the post now for real bye im gonna throw up
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I have a disease that makes me... not lose interest in a ship once it has a happy ending or as close to it as possible, but it does make me lose something when that happens. The tension, that spark, the uncertainty, etc... And I crave happy endings, I'm a sucker for angst and anguish whilst generally needing a light at the end of the tunnel, but once that conclusion comes I'm left like. but mhhhhhh... the journey though 🤤🥴......
#this was prompted by me waking up crying at 5 am because i dreamed of tgck looking at shells on the beach together. btw. if it even matters#there was your best american girl in the background... which i don't even think is one of Their songs with a ™ but still. it was there#first time in my life hearing a song in a dream too that i recall. ok. they're literally a wound that never heals..........................#like. it's not that i don't like bkdk anymore (i do!!!!! a whole lot!!!!!!!!!!!) but. well they're happy now and happy people aren't as fun#this is also why established relationships aren't as interesting to me usually... they have different issues blahblahblah ok but.#they just don't make my brain go unless the circumstances are Right right. y'know#thinking about how m&m and A/F in hb were interesting™ to me only during their arguments... like yeaggg. moer of th ath pleas..............#mytext#fiction stuff
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you know. 'i am posting about IDing as a system and my experiences with being one, so i can look at back at it later when i'm thinking it was Just a Phase again and tell myself That's the Repression Devil Talking, We Said It Publicly Now No Takebacks' feels in hindsight like a very plural thing to do lmao
#moogletalks#disabilitag#adventures in mental illness#internalized ableism cw#guy who's kept coming back to this over and over like clockwork his entire life#has cried his eyes out more than once over the idea of not being a system; including during I Need to Accept That stages#and has been under circumstances where every single time you can point directly at what made him repress it Again:#It's Probably Just a Phase :(#anyway here's hoping the knowledge sticks this time at least; even if the burnout i'm going through keeps me from the Working On It part#(which more than once has been the thing that made me repress lmao)#('please god i am already so fucking exhausted and stretched right to the limit physically and emotionally; i can't pile this on too')#(which is yet another thing i am told is a Common Plural Experience. so! there's that)#still feels deeply vulnerable to talk about though. the imposter syndrome is real#pluralitag
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should i go back on dating apps. not sure if thatd be me avoiding my problems or what
#like i have such a hard time self motivating#but if im trying to impress someone i can do anything#and thats not great bc i fear i may become dependent on that etc etc#but also. sometimes i get so in my head about current circumstances not being right to move forward#that i just stand still instead#so like. if i do it am i taking action and confronting the possibility of failure#or am i avoiding learning how to self motovate#idkkkkkk
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