#starting to think this might be where quiet bpd comes from

[faithfromanewperspective]

starting to reframe lashing out at other people and taking things out on myself as the same category of thing, not recommend, not a good habit, but something to have compassion on given that it’s a reaction to being hurt, etc. And taking on more than I can handle fits similarly. It sounds confusing to some but it honestly has given me access to a whole lot more resources and a better way to frame some things that isn’t quite ‘must be perfect and never ever do this’ but nor is it ‘helpful response to Thing That’s Going On I Need To Process and Grieve I’ve got no reason to figure out how to do better than’

[feralcoffeebug]

i saw in the tags of ur new fic that hua cheng has BPD in ur hcs…. if ur willing to talk abt it id love to hear abt it 🙏

Hi!!! Ofc I’d love to talk about it.

So Hua Cheng is one of the characters that I hold super dear to my heart, in that fic he wasn’t quite old enough for the actual symptoms to start showing in ways that would be super obvious hence the whole “it’s not really shown/explored here” that I mentioned. But! Let’s get into it!

There are 3 suspected subtypes for BPD, not really “officially” used in the dsm5 but! Hua Cheng fits Really Well for quiet BPD, which is often where the symptoms are more internalized rather than outward. As a child and teen when he was the little boy and little soldier the BPD symptoms are more outward, as is extremely common for people with quiet BPD that they do not start with this presentation of symptoms.

Since I love researching especially for my headcannons this will have me pulling from the DSM and using that lol. Sorry if this isn’t quite what you wanted! Feel free to send another ask in that case! I love answering questions haha.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE NOVELS

The diagnostic criteria means you need 5 of the main 9 symptoms of BPD to be diagnosed with it. A lot of these behaviors start around 13, HOWEVER it is very difficult to diagnose in children and teens due to regular hormonal changes and a developing mind can often mimic the same instability that comes along with BPD. Please do not use this as something to diagnose yourself.

Hua Cheng, as he is, meets a few of the symptoms. I’ll go symptom by symptom to explain them a bit more

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (not including sh or sui behaviors as it is covered in a different criteria).

Throughout TGCF Hua Cheng often spends a lot of him time attempting to be useful or good enough for Xie Lian, He gets very anxious and fearful around areas that might make Xie Lian leave him or be disgusted by him.

As Hong’er, he often changes entire things about himself with just a small off-hand comment from Xie Lian. He picked up the saber and focused on it because Xie Lian told him that he would suit it well. He panicked every single time someone tried to remove the bandages covering his red eye because he knew that it was something a lot of people hated or treated him badly for and was disgusted by, and he didn’t want Xie Lian to see it. When Xie Lian found out about the fact that he was born under the star of solitude and that meant he was cursed he had a breakdown about it, only calming down when Xie Lian assured him that he was believed that he wasn’t cursed. He showed anger at anyone else where for Xie Lian he would do anything (except talk haha)

I can’t say much about Wu Ming or him as a ghost fire; mostly due to not having gotten to his chapters yet. But my brain wants to use the part with the 33 heavenly officials and his anger at Feng Xin and Mu Qing as proof as well. Along with his devotion to Xie Lian.

As Hua Cheng, he often looks to Xie Lian when he’s not sure what he will think of things, often changing his likes and dislikes when it comes to him. He changed his form to be one that Xie Lian might have liked more, being extremely insecure about his true form while trying to play it off that he was ugly, which obviously Xie Lian didn’t agree with. And once he saw that Xie Lian wasn’t as disgusted by his actual form he uses it more often along with (At least in the manghua) he incorporates some parts of it in his San Lang form.

All in all, usually he sees things that could displease Xie Lian as being bad, and I believe this comes from a place of fearing abandonment by Xie Lian.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

This symptom is a hallmark of the disorder, and most of the other symptoms are what leads to this symptom to showing up. For Hua Cheng, his relationship with Xie Lian is pretty constant and in this context he would be his Favorite Person (FP) (will be discussed later) but his relationship with others are far more unstable. He goes between not caring for those he barely knows to being extremely angry and vindictive if they even so much seem as if they are insulting or disrespecting XL. He also seems to not have very steady relations with those he is simi closer to than strangers (such as yin yu and black water, the only two that, outside of XL, he has around him decently often enough, which honestly probably shows more so that he is attached to Xie Lian like a person with Bpd is to their FP). His opinion of those people seems to be very dependent on how they’re effecting his current situations as they happen, at least from what I’ve seen myself. He also holds very little regard for people outside of Xie Lian, which honestly might point to something like ASPD or something but in my opinion HC fits BPD more so than the other one but I could see the argument for it.

His unstable relationship mostly goes in relation of himself and his self image, which are very dependent on Xie Lian.

3. Identity disturbance: marked and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

For this criteria, this mostly means changes in personality, likes, dislikes, goals, and role. Often the only sense of self people with BPD have is that they are bad or evil, which we see a lot in Hua Cheng, his view of himself is very negative. He often does not feel as if he deserves to be treated nicely by Xie Lian.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentionally self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Not including sh or sui behaviors.

Idk why for this one specifically but in my heart I feel like he is very impulsive even outside life or death situations. I cannot for the life of me recall why right now

One of them is him betting his ashes in the fight with the 33 gods, while that could be seen as him being confident in his ability to win it is still very dangerous. I’m unsure if this would count as impulsive or just sui behavior lmao.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

As Hong’er, He was going up the wall to die. Not only that but when he was in the army he often put his life on the line specifically trying to protect Xie Lian, to the point that Feng Xin mentioned offhand that it seemed like he had a death wish and that he had no concern for his own life. All of Hua Cheng’s deaths actively involve dying for Xie Lian, as he decided to live for the man as well.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Hua Cheng’s mood often shifts very quickly from extremes, there seems to be very little grey area for his moods. Often times, he is happy and content only for a small thing to bring his ire and anger, especially when it comes to his time with Xie Lian. This is often set inwards, anger at himself for not being able to protect him. But this also is directed at others as well as seen by his reactions when Feng Xin and Mu Qing show up.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

In my headcannons this is very true. He is often bored, he often acts very bored in the donghua when something doesn’t have to do with Xie Lian.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

I don’t know about you, but I think a lot of Hua Cheng’s emotions include anger. He hits He Xuan because of a situation that endangers Xie Lian. He is known for getting into fights over small things. He killed 33 gods for simply disrespecting Xie Lian. He often has outbursts in anger at Mu Qing and Feng Xin, using a lot of sarcasm. These outbursts often happen when Xie Lian isn’t giving him attention or when they are disrespecting/looking down at Xie Lian in some way, shape, or form.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid idealtion or severe dissociative symptoms

This symptoms often comes up when in response to something that may be relating to possible abandonment. Hua Cheng tends to get more quiet and withdrawn when situations have to do with himself or when something comes up that Xie Lian might hate him over. The topic of E’Ming makes him start to try and move the topic off of it’s emotional responses, when he hurt Xie Lian he gets quiet and stares where Xie Lian left for a long while, getting quiet when Xie Lian apologizes for the situation before nearly crying over it and apologizing over it.

Now, a lot of the reasons behind why I say a character has a mental illness usually does not come from what criteria they meet, but I felt that explaining what could possibly meet what criteria is a fun way to get the conversation started. A lot of BPD is the mental process that gets the reactions, or what causes the reactions. I’m going to get into the like, less official practical and professional view of BPD and go more into it as someone who shows a lot of BPD esc symptoms and the research I’ve done from other people with the disorder.

In BPD, there is a thing called a Favorite Person, also shorthanded to FP. I mentioned earlier that Xie Lian would be his FP, and I stand by this. Often to a person with BPD their FP is everything to them. Their emotional wellbeing and sense of self is often based on the person. It is often very intense and their FP is often what is the root cause of their symptoms showing up. Often FPs are caregivers, friends, crushes, and other things. It can be a very unhealthy relationship for both parties due to the fact that a person with BPD rely heavily on their FP for regulation.

This is something we often see with Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. Hua Cheng relies on Xie Lian for reassurance, taking every grain of it. He does everything in his power to appeal to Xie Lian but also doesn’t mind if Xie Lian doesn’t know about him or hates him as long as he can be useful to him. He also does all he can to get Xie Lian’s attention and praise. He bases a lot of himself and his environment around Xie Lian. I think that the opinion that some of the fandom has of him that “everything revolves around Xie Lian for his character” is a very good example of this. I do not agree with this sentiment, obviously, but it is very common for people with BPD to base almost everything around this FP.

Hua Cheng also wants to spend all of his time around Xie Lian, which is often seen with people with Bpd and their fps.

A lot of this headcannon also has a lot to do with seeing myself in Hua Cheng, seeing behaviors I’ve done for past FPs and even my current FP. I see my relationship with my current FP (which is my boyfriend before anyone asks) in Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. I am a lot more unstable in my relationship with my FP than Hua Cheng is to Xie Lian, but I also feel like Hua Cheng often would turn his anger inward a lot more than I do and fall heavily into self blame for any issues. Along with that, I feel as if Hua Cheng is also pretty inclined to feel as if he overstepped and to internally berate himself for thinking he could have or do or feel whatever unstable emotions and feelings and devaluation towards Xie Lian.

Anyways here’s a small, very tired and sleepy explanation. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. I just woke up to write this and I’m probably heading to bed.

[josad-irl]

My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

J

[universallywriting]

Hey, I started reading Connie’s little universe when you posted about having written wedding Connverse, and then I got to your Spinel chapter and it fascinated me. I’d already read you say you’re not crazy about Spinel, but once again you channel Diogenes (I’m not that anon but they were spot on, holy shit) and make a really inspired take on her. Care to talk a bit about why you see her so childlike? She may be innately playful, silly, and immature, but most see her as an “adult” or “teen”. 1/2

Brace yourself for a long post! (1600 words)

I’ll start off with saying that I think Spinel is a really well written character. I really like her place in the movie, I love her design, and Sarah Stiles is phenomenal. She’s not a character who is relatable to me. Personally, the character I’ve always felt the most similar to is Steven, with Connie as a close second. Understandably, I was just as exhausted towards Spinel as Steven was throughout the movie, lol.

Why I Don’t See Spinel as a Teenager Forgive me, I’m not actively involved in Spinel discourse here, so I’m a bit blind towards people’s arguments as to why they think of Spinel as a teenager or an adult. I may be missing things or have gaps, but I would like to start with the fact that I in no way intend to argue that other interpretations of Spinel are invalid, or that I’m right.

I think my biggest argument hinges on one huge point, and it’s something I rarely see talked about outside of jokes. It’s Word of God and implied in the show that only Pearls can be bound to follow orders. This means that when Spinel was ordered to stay in the garden, she chooses to stay. I don’t say that to mitigate Pink’s cruelty, nor to call Spinel stupid or to blame her for what happened. I say it only because I think it’s a crucial part of her character. Without this piece, I feel like you ignore so much of what makes Spinel, well… Spinel.

Spinel is dependent on other people to a ridiculous degree. She defines herself by other people. Without them, she is nothing. She is unquestioningly obedient in the hopes of her affections being returned, no matter how absurd it becomes to follow those orders. At any point, Spinel could have stepped onto that teleport pad and tried to find somewhere in the universe to call home. This is not what she does. She waits. At a certain point, she must know that Pink is not coming back, but she waits. She hopes. This, to me, is not characteristic of teenagers. It’s characteristic of children.

Continuing here: She has control over her emotions. She has no barriers to them. Her default state is high energy, obsessed with joy and merriment and entertainment. When Spinel is reset, the trauma that has set in makes her emotions volatile, easily triggered and aggressive over the idea that she might not be the center of attention. While these are traits teenagers might have, I don’t think of them as teenager traits. I think of these as childish traits. When teenagers are this clingy, this cutesy, this bubbly, this emotionally unstable, I do not think “Ah, I typical teen”. I think “You need to grow up. You should be learning to be better than this.”

This does get a bit more complicated if you factor in trauma or other mental health issues, but despite people being very insistent about this idea, Spinel is in no way meant to reflect someone who is neuroatypical. You may read her as such, but to say that was authorial intent or to state that she objectively is a representation of BPD, or severe autism, just isn’t true. But, again, please feel free to headcanon her that way and have interesting discussions.

Pre-Abandonment Spinel is a Baby Pre-Abandonment Spinel appears to be a child in literally every way to me, and I really don’t see how you can see her as anything else. We see Spinel and Pink interacting in the garden during the song montage. Spinel plays hide and seek and juggles, she bounces around and clings to Pink. Pink’s behavior goes from amused to rapidly exhausted of her antics. The faces Pink makes, the way she interacts with Spinel, is very much an adult attempting to humor a child. And, in a way, this is one of the things Spinel intentionally represents. Spinel is a children’s show watching her audience move on. Quote from Rebecca: “[Spinel] is also about that pain of making cartoons, understanding that your audience might move on and leave you behind, and how ridiculous that can make you feel.”

I mean, as cruel as it is, people seem to miss exactly how Pink’s abandonment works here. She’s playing the quiet game with Spinel! “Let’s see who can be quiet the longest!” It’s an attempt from an adult or an older teenager to get a child to behave, incentivizing them through a game. This is absolutely something you do to a child, and Spinel responds in a childlike way by playing the game. I cannot see Spinel as anything other than a child pre-abandonment.

I also think it’s important to note that Spinel is given as a child’s toy, created to be a best friend in the same way you give a toddler a plastic steering wheel. This is an act of pure condescension of the other Diamonds towards Pink, a way to say “You do not want responsibility or respect or independence. You’re simply bored. You tricycle is just as good as car keys.” Spinel is intended to be a way to shut Pink up about her own colony. A child’s toy for a child who outgrows her nearly instantly.

Reset Spinel is a Baby Reset Spinel’s ideas of play are simple and childish. She wants to play tag and make silly faces and wrap Steven up in big hugs. Spinel talks to Steven the way Dora the Explorer talks to her audience. “Maybe, if we put the pieces together, we can solve this puzzle!” She’s silly, and wacky. She’s an outdated children’s cartoon, which makes her feel like a child.

I would argue this is the reason why Steven is so frustrated with Spinel and why Spinel is a villain for timeskip Steven specifically. Little baby feral gremlin S1 Steven would adore Spinel. What child wouldn’t like her? A best friend who plays silly games with whacky smiles who wants to put all her attention on you? Reset Spinel is a dream come true for a little kid.

Big Boy Neck Steven, however, becomes her babysitter throughout. Spinel is playing, joking, dancing around. I’ve seen some people argue that it wasn’t ever a game for Spinel, and I honestly don’t see it. Spinel before she was abandoned, and reset Spinel, are absolutely playing around nonstop. That’s what they’re made for. Just like Pearl exists to serve, and Ruby exists to guard, Spinel exists to play. Steven has to tend to her, has to be amused by her, lest he upset her. Steven is a teenager babysitting a child.

Eyeliner Spinel is a Child’s Tantrum So, here’s where I feel the biggest divergence will come from different people. I feel like people think of Spinel as an adult, or a teenager, because Spinel possesses power and speaks as an adult. She’s voiced by an adult who makes no effort to sound younger. But even here, even at what feels like her most adult moments, I truly cannot think of her as mature in the slightest.

When Spinel gets her memories back, she still expects Steven to be her emotional labor. She can’t control her emotions. She can’t control her actions. Steven must always be on guard to never upset her. This is, again, something I see as extremely childish - and that’s being charitable. If it’s not childish, this is abusive. This is toxic. A child can be excused from not being able to understand and lashing out at the people around them, because they are young and need to learn to behave better. As an adult, this is simply unacceptable.

It is not mature or adult to demand that others be perpetually on guard at risk of offending you. It is not normal for a teenager to try to physically harm others because they are feeling upset. It is not the behavior of anything but a child to demand that people become your friend, that they devote their time and energy to taking care of your emotional needs, that you become the center of their world.

Spinel may have power, and a cute accent, and the vocabulary and accent of a character out of Popeye, but there is not a single action she takes that I can read as anything other than childish, assuming that this is a character who is not dealing with a mental health disorder.

Spinel needs to be tended to. She needs to be coddled. She needs affirmation and help to become a better person. Help is not bending over backwards to her every desire. Help is not giving in to her tantrums. Help is not allowing her to cling to people like a useless sack of potatoes. Help is slowly guiding her away from her dependencies, to be more self-reliant and to care for herself so she does not demand all the emotional energy and attention of those around her.

I think she’s a child who needs to grow up. The chapter of CLU has Connie gently guiding Spinel’s attention away from the people she clings to, and she does so through the same childish games Spinel loves more than anything else in the world. That’s why I wrote it that way, and that’s how I see Spinel as she appears in the movie.

However, I love everyone’s different interpretations of her! So, you know, write and draw what you love! Multiple interpretations can and should exist!

[comedyborderlinenonbinary]

BPD- When I go quiet

If you have been reading. Then you know, I've been away for few weeks.

I actually have a lot of shit in my head that I need to "let go"... if ever possible.

I'm older than you think. over 30. Still, I was diagnosed with BPD last year. only last year. I am on the waiting list to get mental help (for awhile now). Ever since diagnosed, I've been researching, reading and watching videos about the illness and people who live with it.

I can only imagine what it would be like to actually have help... how would it be like? how can therapy save me from myself? and most importantly. Would I ever be "normal" enough to experience a healthy relationship? would I ever be loved?-- trust me, the fear of dying alone and forgotten is very real.

I have days that I wake up having a lot things to do. I feel useful. I love getting involved with a lot of projects- to make myself feel included and with an aim, a goal... Sadly, it only takes one small thing to go wrong to completely loss all motivation, give up everything and decided it's time to die.

I know how it sounds. How a "small thing" can take you from A to Z in hours? well.... I overthink everything! one thing led to another and I went from: "we'll have a second chance at our next meeting" to: "this is the reason. the world is never going to change. I feel like a box my employers saw as an opportunity to get ticked. A token. I'm a nobody and I have to accept my role in this society, a pathetic loser."

I convince myself I will never be good enough: to fight for my community human rights, to keep applying for higher job roles, despite all the rejections, to have a family. I'm not worth it enough to steal anyone's heart . Her heart. I'm not worth it enough to have anyone remembering my name after I'm gone. I should simply not exist.

It is always the same thing, now I'm aware of it. I'm just too tired to carry on trying.

Everything new I start, I'm the happiest, the most positive and passioned human being. Then something doesn't go according to plan and then I'm done... Last Sunday (today is Friday), I sent an email to my project managers, I quit pretty much every single inclusion project I had... I'm a fraud! I'm not a leader, I'm not clever and clearly, I was unable to get diversity toilets (gender neutral toilets) at my work place. I failed to make my voice heard when I complained how I feel not being able to hangup to customers when they discriminate/ made fun or any other situation I had been put through. Now I'm paranoid and doubt every single person that comes my way, especially if they are white.

I cry every day, several times a day and for no apparent reason. Last Tuesday or Monday (honest cannot remember), I took one too many pills and ended up in hospital. At this point it feels very natural and organic visiting the hospital under those circumstances. Like, I was half gone while the doctor was talking to me, all I remember saying to her: "ok, ok, can I go home now?" then put my clothes on and left, another doctor followed me- I shouted at him and left.

I cannot explain it, but I really want to die. I honestly feel, I got nothing to do here. It might sound like an exaggeration, but it's true. I mean, main reason I'm writing this: I'm a burden to my friends and anyone who meet me and dares to get to know me (I know it is like that, imagine having a friend who is always doubting, sad and only wants to talk about depressing shit), when I call the helplines- if they answer, 50 minutes later they start asking me to call back again if I need to keep talking or advise me to go to sleep. I feel I have nobody to talk to... and love, damn it! I like a lot of women and I hit on all of them and they all say "I have a partner". I have to delete their number because I'm dying to find an excuse and text/call her? but she doesn't want to be with me anyways.... Just another (quite powerful, have to admit) reason to not be in this world anymore.

I was told I won't learn to control it, but how to live with it (BPD).

If that's the case, I could have stayed with the ex who abused me. I was definitely used to her and in a sick way, but I wasn't alone and we were still kissing and fucking. I would have never be able to control the situation, but I knew how to live with her.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this... I miss her, I want to be with her, I want her family to see me as a member and I want to be the one to remind her how beautiful she is every morning. I don't know who "she" is. I'm scared of living with only the production of my imagination and never really get to know her. But right now, imagining what it would be like, it's kind of what keeps me going... I'm not able to meet anyone new and the people I know, think that I'm a creative weirdo- still bad... and my "real" family, you know the one by blood- they are as far as they can be from me and my heart; almost wish I had forgotten their names, but cannot deny my roots. So, I still have it to remind me of them.

I'll leave it for now.

hopefully in future entry, it would be less chaotic and even positive... don't know.

[myartofhealthyliving]

What is an Oxygen Concentrator and How Does It Work? (Uses and Reasons)

On account of the field of medication's extraordinary progressions, the oxygen concentrators today are smaller, little, peaceful and lightweight, yet at the same time give the most extreme consistence and elite. More established oxygen concentrators are cumbersome and substantial, making it hard for patients requiring oxygen treatment while voyaging or outside their home.

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What is an Oxygen Concentrator?

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What are the Uses and Reasons for an Oxygen Concentrator?

There are numerous purposes behind an oxygen concentrator and specialists can prescribe oxygen treatment to their patients for different ailments. Ordinarily, your lungs ingest the air's oxygen, moving it into your circulation system.

On the off chance that you've had bloodwork or beat oximetry as of late performed to survey your oxygen immersion levels, and you were found to have low degrees of blood oxygen, your primary care physician might suggest present moment or long haul oxygen treatment.

You're presumably thinking about what is an oxygen concentrator utilized for? Intense conditions generally require transient oxygen treatment. These conditions ordinarily run for a brief timeframe. They might have an unexpected beginning of manifestations versus persistent conditions where things happen bit by bit. Be that as it may, some respiratory or persistent conditions require long haul oxygen supplementation.

Acute Conditions Requiring an Oxygen Concentrator

A couple instances of intense conditions where you would require the utilization of an oxygen concentrator for transient oxygen treatment are:

Asthma: This condition is the place where your aviation routes become aggravated and start delivering a great deal of bodily fluid, which makes it harder to relax. While there are various drugs that can treat and control asthma, an oxygen concentrator can siphon undeniable degrees of oxygen into the circulation system of the patient while they're having or have effectively had an asthma assault.

Pneumonia: Pneumonia is a contamination where you foster irritation in possibly either of your lungs' air sacs and as a rule, top them off with liquid. Numerous pneumonia patients have been recommended oxygen treatment and have seen great clinical results.

Respiratory pain condition (RDS): RDS is a breathing problem for the most part influencing infants, especially the individuals who are conceived at least a month and a half before their conveyance date. Babies experiencing RDS don't make sufficient surfactant (a lung covering fluid), causing their lungs to fall and making them work more diligently to relax. Oxygen treatment utilizing oxygen concentrators assist with siphoning oxygen into the children's circulation system and lungs to decrease further confusions.

Bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD): Newborns experiencing RDS likewise have a higher danger of creating BPD. This is a serious lung condition needing long haul breathing help.

At times, after medical procedure, you might require oxygen for a brief timeframe.

Chronic Diseases that Require Oxygen Therapy

Some chronic conditions requiring long-term oxygen concentrator uses are:

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD): COPD affects around 16 million people, but an oxygen concentrator can be an effective treatment. When you have COPD, you have chronic lung damage which makes it difficult for your lungs to absorb enough oxygen. As a result, you can have difficulty breathing, and oxygen therapy through a concentrator can help.

Cystic fibrosis: You inherit this life-threatening condition. It causes digestive system and lung damage. It’s a rare condition that affects the body’s cells responsible for producing mucus, sweat, and digestive juices. The fluids are changed which results in a stickier, thicker solution that plugs the ducts, tubes, and passageways of the individual infected.

Sleep Apnea: Sleep apnea is a sleeping disorder that can be serious and cause the individual’s breathing to sporadically stop and start during their sleep. Usually, treatment for this condition is continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP), weight loss, and physical exercise, though some people with sleep apnea may require oxygen therapy.

How Does an Oxygen Concentrator Work?

Think of an oxygen concentrator as a window air conditioner — it takes air in, changes it, and delivers it in a different form. The oxygen concentrator takes air in and purifies it for use by individuals who require medical oxygen because of low levels of oxygen in their blood.

It works by:

Compressing air as the cooling mechanism keeps the concentrator from becoming overheated

Taking air in from its surroundings

Using an electronic interface to adjust delivery settings

Removing nitrogen from the air through sieve beds and a filter

Delivering purified oxygen through a mask or nasal cannula

Patients who required oxygen therapy in the past mainly relied on pressurized oxygen tanks. Even though these tanks are extremely effective, they’re also fairly inefficient with the suppliers having to visit the patients regularly to replenish their oxygen supply in their tank.

The TOP 5 Best Stationary Oxygen Concentrators

1. Sanrai Oxypure 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Sanrai OxyPure 5L is a reliable and robust FDA-Approved 5-liter stationary home oxygen concentrator. Our patient-centric R&D team ensured that the OxyPure 5L is suitable for all your oxygen prescription needs. Designed and developed in the USA, this device results from our 14 years of experience in the home respiratory care industry.

Sanrai’s OxyPure 5L stationary oxygen concentrator was built with your needs in mind, no matter where you are. The Sanrai OxyPure 5L home oxygen concentrator can perform optimally at high altitudes and in areas with high humidity with ease. FDA-approved and conforming to ISO guidelines, our product goes through several hours of burn-in and performance tests to ensure quality, efficiency, and reliability at all times.

Features and Benefits

FDA-Approved

Portability

Reliability

Quality

Whisper-Quiet

Lightweight

Low Cost

Easy-to-use

High-Output

Safe

2 Sanrai Oxyflow 5 - 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

The OxyFlow 5 is one of the most reliable and robust stationary concentrators in the world. The OxyFlow 5 delivers up to 5 LPM continuous flow oxygen. This innovative oxygen concentrator delivers oxygen up to 96% purity and weighs only 14 kgs, making it a truly lightweight and compact design. With a noise level of less than 45 dB, it is one of the quietest machines in the world.

Features and Benefits

In use since last 17 years worldwide.

Meeting the regulatory requirement of most stringent medical market of Japan.

Designed and marketed by Sanrai International.

Easy maintenance.

Salter lab humidifier bottle and crush proof nasal cannula provided with unit.

Low Oxygen purity alarm provided.

3. Drive Medical DeVilbiss 10 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Built upon the reliable features of the popular 525 concentrator, the Drive Medical DeVilbiss 10L Oxygen Concentrator delivers optimal oxygen delivery for patients requiring higher concentrations of oxygen. This innovative machine has a high capacity and a wide range of useful features.

Substantially smaller in size than other high-capacity concentrators on the market, the flame-retardant DeVilbiss weighs only 42 pounds and comes in the same shell as the 5-liter size, yet is still compatible with cylinder transfill systems. It delivers 87% to 96% of oxygen purity ranging from 2 to 10 LPM, resulting in adaptive use for an array of patients with varying needs, from home use to hospitals and long-term care facilities.

Standard on every unit, the exclusive DeVilbiss Oxygen Sensing Device (OSD) system ensures dependable performance and patient safety with real-time monitoring of the oxygen produced. Easily accessible patient controls and bright LEDs make operation a breeze, and a front-located knob facilitates simple air-flow adjustments with its flow meter positioned directly below to verify setting selections.

This oxygen concentrator integrates several safety alarms to further ensure proper operation of the device, and these alarms will sound when there is high pressure, low oxygen, high gas temperature, low-high flow, when the power goes out, and if service is required.

Its cleverly-designed recessed humidifier nook and protected cannula port guard against accidental damage. Convenient handles on the top and side enable easy portability for rolling or carrying.

Features and Benefits

10-liter capacity for users requiring higher oxygen concentration levels

Adjusts from 2-10 LPM for multiple patient usages

Small and compact for a 10-liter capacity

Oxygen Sensing Device provides real-time monitoring

Safety alarms to alert users to problems

Easy-to-read and bright LED display

Accessible patient controls

Recessed humidifier nook and protected cannula port

Handles and wheels for transport

4. Drive Medical DeVilbiss 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Built upon a legacy of reliable, field-proven concentrator models, the DeVilbiss 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator was designed with enhanced quality, durability and simplicity in mind

Patented DeVilbiss Turn-Down Technology minimizes wear on internal components, reduces power consumption by 15% or more and extends the life of the concentrator

Exclusive DeVilbiss OSD (Oxygen Sensing Device), standard on every unit, ensures patient safety and reliability for longer service intervals

Readily accessible patient controls, protected cannula fitting and recessed humidifier nook to prevent damage

Alarms Audible and visual high/low pressure, low flow, low oxygen, power fail, Oxygen Sensing Device

5. Philips EverFlo 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

The Philips EverFlo Oxygen concentrator weighs in at only 31 pounds, reducing shipping and storage costs and risk of injury.

EverFlo's ergonomic design takes up less space and doesn't draw as much attention.

EverFlo is part of the Right Fit, a complete portfolio of oxygen products and programs inspired by patients and built for business.

No homecare provider filter change for two years. Patients do not ever have to change filters.

The system uses less electricity and produces less heat.

The platform is designed to be compatible with all bottle styles and features an easy-to-use closure.

Recessed flow meter reduces accidental breakage.

Durable metal cannula is less likely to break

EverFlo is available with or without oxygen purity indicator. This OPI (Oxygen Percentage Indicator) ultrasonically measures oxygen output as a purity indication.

[fractualized]

I tried to respond to this with a “read more” cut that didn’t work, but I made the mistake of adding some HTML editing, and I didn’t realize deleting the post to try again would DELETE THE MESSAGE? Super cool website. Luckily I still had the ask in another tab for a screenshot.

ANYWAY, I’ve only gotten a few asks, actually, but this is many in one! And this took me a while because when it comes to writing I don’t know when to shut up!

The first question is interesting for a Telltale game, because the player chooses what Bruce does, so the answer could easily be whatever YOU like about John that makes you want to treat him more like a person than a tool. Then again, the times when you can make choices are limited, as are the actual choices (see: no opportunity to contact John post lab attack), plus Bruce does have reactions you can’t control. So his character is whatever blend results from the writing and the player.

But we’re specifically talking about the shipping-friendly scenarios! So let’s forget the meta and just assume the player makes the non-jerkass choices with John. Points are in the order they occurred to me.

>>>>>

1) John’s “light outside of Arkham” speech comes to mind first of course. The first time I watched that monologue and the camera switched to Bruce, I realized he and I had the same expression. Interactions with John are largely off-beat, and what he says about the lights still is given that it’s centered around an asylum, but it’s also very earnest and honest. It’s a very humanizing moment that makes clear that John’s attachment to Harley is very real.

I recognize that that is jarley-centric, but a) I don’t subscribe to the idea that John is actually talking about Bruce in this scene and b) that said, I think it still extends to Bruce. John is expressing genuine attachment to a person he admires and seeks guidance from (and sees as attractive), after all. His vulnerability should only emphasize to Bruce the importance of taking him seriously.

2) John is very open with Bruce immediately, starting at Lucius’s funeral. When John talks about being “the new guy” on the outside, it’s very sympathetic, even if you think John is actively playing for that sympathy to get Bruce to help him. Both things can be true. (I imagine this is a tactic he used in Arkham.) Later you get the sense that if John tried to talk to Harley about wanting to retreat to the asylum, she’d probably make fun of him.

John is up front with Bruce constantly, and that can be difficult not to reciprocate at least to some degree.

3) Speaking of the funeral, I think the fact that John brings a card calls for the “thoughtful” option. It is the wrong kind of card, and you wouldn’t normally give one to nonfamily of the deceased at the funeral, and if you’re going to do it anyway I guess you should also bring one for the family, buuuuuuuuuut I can see Bruce appreciating that John tried. And you know what? Telltale wrote that scene with no option to tell John to wait to talk to you OUTSIDE, which is what anybody on earth would do when someone arrived uninvited to a funeral and one of the main facts you know about them is that they happily knifed a guy, so we’re left to assume that Bruce finds John THAT intriguing.

4) When John says he likes Batman, Bruce has this proud little look on his face. “Hell yeah, you think Batman is cool!” He seems too pleased to hear it to think of John as just a game piece.

Jumping back to the coffee date, Bruce also has that semi-sheepish proud little shrug when John tells him how well he’s doing impersonating Harley. Bruce is having more fun in that scene the longer it goes, and probably wishes it really was just a casual conversation with a friend.

5) And related to that, Bruce has multiple opportunities to advise John about Harley (and, really, about how to behave appropriately in general). I don’t think Bruce puts in that effort if he doesn’t feel for John, in how he’s new to… almost everything. Also, to Bruce, the chances of John ending up back in Arkham or in prison must be HIGH, yet he puts in that effort anyway.

6) Taking the time to train John to throw a batarang seems like a little much to keep a good contact happy. Why waste precious laptop hacking time if not because you want to do your little buddy another favor? Also, if you so choose, why GIVE HIM ONE OF YOUR WEAPONS? Just… you don’t do that for someone you don’t like, or for someone you don’t think could be reliable help in combat later.

7) We don’t see Bruce laugh that often in the game, but I think he thinks John is funny. No way Bruce reflects on the shadow puppet scene later and doesn’t at least crack a smile at the idea of Gordon having that mustache as a baby.

8) John saves Bruce’s life multiple times. There’s rescuing him from the Arkham attack in Season 1, and then there’s triggering the EMP generator before Bane decides to kill him, as well as saving his butt from either Freeze or Bane in the virus storage area depending if you threw Catwoman under the bus or not. (If you didn’t, maybe John doesn’t get Bruce out of the ice machine back at Old Five Points, but his attempt to stand up to Harley is a pretty big deal for him.)

John will also save Bruce at certain quick time events, like if Bruce doesn’t duck when you’re with the Pact in the incinerator. You gotta like someone who helps keep you alive.

>>>>>

I tried to stay pre-funhouse, because narratively, that seems like the point where “this person is my friend” should be locked in, whether you tell John you believe him or not. I’m sure I’m forgetting moments since I haven’t played in a while, but I’ve listed enough to demonstrate that the writers provide ample opportunity for a friendship to form.

When it comes to romantic love, though, I’m not sure there’s a definitive moment, especially given the situation Bruce is in. He knows he cares about John, but I think he might need downtime (relative downtime for Batman, so like quiet cave research time) to realize he feels something more. So maybe in the couple weeks before Vigilante Joker’s debut, Bruce realizes he’s not just worried about where John is with the virus, but he really misses his eccentric pal. Or maybe it takes longer and happens post game when he visits John in Arkham, and has time to reflect on what John said about wanting Bruce’s love, not to mention the brief but memorable experience of having John as a partner. (Instant combat coordination! What!)

Now if we’re talking Villain Joker, the whole “I did love you” speech at their final confrontation indicates that Bruce realized his feelings before that. (I mean, people can still interpret that line as nonromantic love, but… come on.) Which seems odd, given that John and Harley started running around offing people by the hundreds, buuuuut that just makes me think it was the fact that John ran off with Harley and abandoned any of Bruce’s influence that made Bruce realize sooner how attached he felt.

(And maybe also that John made out with Harley right in front of him. I know that scene upsets some people, but it just made me laugh. Every single thing John does in the villain scenario is to get under Bruce’s skin, so I just thought, “Are you trying to make him jealous?? dkjfalshgalgha”)

As for BPD, it certainly matches up with a lot of John’s behavior. Honestly, though, fleshing out John’s particular diagnoses is not something I’ve focused on. It was part of a whole load of research I did on mental health care overall, but I just sort of blend what I’ve retained with trying to keep John consistent with his game portrayal. I don’t have substantial experience with mental health care so my personal comfort with representing him as having anything specific is looowwwww.

[schweeeppess]

a/n: This is planned to be a string of connected one-shots, so there will definitely be more installments in this AU. co authored by @mizmahlia. au: evil!batfam au, based loosely off Earth 3

Warnings: Mentions of pedophilia, death, cussing, and that should be it

___

One city Roy Harper would not be caught dead in was Blüdhaven. The city wasn't as dark or ominous-looking as Gotham was, but the danger levels were much higher. Blüdhaven's residents were, like, fucked in the head or something.

Well a majority were, anyway. But Roy was semi-obligated to think so only because one of his best friends lived in the terrible city.

He was up on the roof of an apartment building searching the skyline for any signs of where Dick might be. Wally was on the ground zipping around the places Roy couldn't see from his vantage point, rambling in his ear as he ran from alley to alley.

"How long has it been since the three of us hung out together?"

Roy winced at the noise in his earpiece, the wind rushing in his ear as Wally ran. Wally often forgot that his speed made using comms nearly impossible unless he was standing still.

"Longer than necessary," Roy muttered. He held the binoculars up again and zoomed in on a neighborhood a few blocks north. "I mean, this is a miserable city. You'd think he'd want to leave once in a while."

Wally picked up on the dig and chimed in, skidding to a stop before heading back toward Roy's location.

"Why would anyone want to stay here and fight crime? It's not like he makes a dent in it, anyway."

Roy grinned and lowered the binoculars when he spotted a figure appear on a building three blocks to the east. He swore he could see the person flip him the middle finger before disappearing again, dropping back to street-level. Sure enough, their teasing got a reaction and Dick's voice came over the comms only moments later.

"You guys realize I can hear you, right? That we're all on the same channel?"

"Now that we have your attention," Roy cheekily responded, "we can decide where we're meeting for pizza."

When Dick replied it came through slightly winded, like he was in the middle of something.

"Meet me at my location and we'll head back to my place."

Roy packed up his binoculars, bow, and quiver, and headed toward the fire escape.

"Roger that."

Wally immediately altered his course and arrived at the closest intersection to where Dick was, cautiously entering an alley toward the sounds of a fight. He could hear fists connecting with someone's face, followed by a gasp for air when a blow struck a diaphragm.

"You're out of prison for three days and this is where I find you? About to pounce on a twelve year-old girl?"

Wally stopped for a moment at the familiar voice. Yep, that's definitely Dick.

"Please, Nightwing," a male voice gasped, "just let me explain…"

There was a loud, metallic thud as whoever Dick was beating collided with a dumpster.

"I warned you," Dick's voice dropped to a pitch reserved only for times like this one. "The next time I found you within three blocks of a school or anywhere kids hang out, you wouldn't survive long enough to go back to prison."

There was another thud. Wally started moving again, turning the corner to see Nightwing yank the man to his feet and begin to dust his jacket off. Nightwing continued to talk to him, his earlier, tense posture visibly relaxing and his voice took on a lighter tone.

"But third chances can be a thing, right?"

The man sighed and closed his eyes. A loud exhale passed his lips and his shoulders hunched a bit.

"Thanks, Nightwing. You won't be disappointed," he promised. " I'll leave…"

He didn't get the chance to finish that sentence as Nightwing put one hand over his mouth and chin, the other gripping the back of the man's head. His eyes widened as he realized what was about to happen and he reached for Nightwing's arms but it was too late. Nightwing twisted as hard as he could, letting out a quiet grunt as the bones in the man's neck snapped. He released his grip and the man slid to the ground in a heap.

He sighed and stepped back, brushing a lock of hair off his forehead as he stared down at the man for a moment. He shook his head. Whether it was disappointment or sadness, Wally didn't know. Moments later he turned to Wally, who was waiting patiently, leaned against a fire escape ladder with his arms crossed over his chest.

Wally fought to keep a neutral expression on his face. Seeing Dick take a life wasn't new and he didn't necessarily disagree with the method, but he still wasn't used to being around dead people. Sometimes, he'd admit, he forgot the Bats resolved things this way. His team back in Central usually saved killing as a last resort, only if all else failed. That the Bats used it on a regular basis was a concept he wasn't quite acclimated to yet. His visits to Gotham or Blüdhaven were rare and no one blamed him for feeling that way. Dick reassured him of that on more than one occasion.

He swallowed and glanced down at the dead man one last time before looking back at Dick.

"So, you about done here, or…?"

Dick rolled his eyes and dusted his hands together, a hint of a smile on his face as he replied.

"As soon as a certain slowpoke archer arrives, we can go."

As if on cue, Roy rounded the corner and stopped next to Wally. His gaze went from Wally to Dick, his expression deadpan at Dick's teasing. He noticed the body at Dick's feet, but offered no reaction. He shrugged.

"I don't have a nifty grappling gun, so bite me." Changing the subject, he nodded in the opposite direction. "Let's get out of here. I'm starving."

The three of them turned and headed toward Dick's apartment in another section of town. They stuck to alleys and darkened streets since Dick was still dressed as Nightwing. Wally's suit was covered with looser clothes and his goggles were in Roy's backpack. All Roy had to do to blend in was put on a grey hoodie.

"So, are we going out anywhere, or are we staying at your place?" Wally asked, rubbing his stomach. "Either way, we're gonna need a ton of food."

Dick smiled and shook his head. But before he could reply, he noticed a small cloud of smoke rising a few blocks away, thick and billowing blue against the night sky. It wasn't uncommon for residents of Blüdhaven to use flares to attract his attention when they needed help. While Nightwing's lethal methods were frowned upon by the BPD, they still appreciated his help and tended to look the other way. The police answered the phone calls, Nightwing responded to the flares.

While Roy and Wally debated pizza toppings, desserts and whether takeout or delivery was the way to go, Dick figured it wouldn't hurt to check out the distress signal. He hung back for a moment and when Wally and Roy rounded the corner at the end of the block, he grappled up and sailed through the air toward the smoke.

He approached the smoke carefully, scanning the surrounding area for any signs of danger or a trap. Once he was satisfied it was safe enough to proceed, he entered a darkened apartment where the blue smoke was coming from. There was a flare burning on the fire escape and he heard crying coming from the living room. There was a boy, no more than eight or nine years old, kneeling next to a woman who lay unconscious in the middle of the room.

"Dick? Where the hell did you go?"

Roy's voice came over the channel sounding less than amused. Dick shrugged. He knew he'd be annoyed too if the roles were reversed. Addressing the assumed party responsible for the smoke and ignoring Roy, he announced his presence.

"Hey, kiddo. You called?"

The boy startled and turned around, relaxing when he saw it was Nightwing. He nodded.

"My mom won't wake up," he said, voice trembling. "She didn't take her medicine."

He held up a small device; a thing shaped like a marker with a needle on the end. Dick carefully took it from him, twisting it to read the label. It was insulin. He looked to the coffee table and saw a small glucose testing kit and the meter displayed a number way too high to be treatable at home. His eyes widened. No wonder she was unconscious.

"Tell you what, buddy." Dick kneeled beside the woman, eye-level with the kid and holding his gaze with the lenses of the domino. "You go get the phone and call 911. I'll stay with your mom and keep an eye on her, alright?"

The boy nodded and hurried into the kitchen. Dick glanced over his shoulder and scanned the room to make sure he was alone before tapping at the communications device in his ear.

"Hey, guys?"

Wally was the one to answer.

"Where are you?"

Glancing to the doorway for the kitchen he said, "Doesn't matter. You guys head to my place and I'll be there as fast as I can. The security code hasn't changed."

"You need any help?" Roy asked.

Dick twisted the pen in his hand until he found a safe dosage of insulin and leaned over to inject the woman with it as he answered.

"Nah, we're good. Shouldn't be much longer."

"Got it."

Dick touched his finger to the comm, turning it off, before checking the woman's pulse to find it alarmingly high.

"You okay in there?" he called out, lifting his head to look where the boy had gone. The kid promptly returned, holding a smartphone to his ear.

"There's a lady on the phone who wants to talk to you," he murmured, eyes glued to his mom.

Dick smiled, trying to keep the boy calm. "Can you put it on speaker for me?"

He nodded, tapping the screen, and soon Dick could hear the dispatcher's voice.

"—ir? Can you tell me what's going on? I have paramedics en-route to your location, but they need to know what to expect."

"I'm here with a woman and her son," he immediately informed. "The mother is a diabetic and her last glucose reading was extremely high. She's unconscious and I administered a dose of insulin a few minutes ago."

He heard keys clicking rapidly before the dispatcher's voice came through the phone again.

"Thank you. Stay with her until the paramedics arrive. Their ETA is three minutes."

"Will do," Dick said. The boy was staring at his mother, eyes wide and frightened, the phone in his hand forgotten. "Hey," Dick said, getting his attention. "She'll be okay. You did the right thing."

The boy slowly nodded, taking a seat on the floor beside his mom. Two and a half minutes later Dick could hear the paramedics in the hallway. He stood up and tousled the kid's hair, heading toward the window.

"I'll come by the hospital to check on you guys later, okay?"

The boy turned and looked at him.

"Promise?"

Dick grinned and held up his hand in a wave.

"I promise."

He turned and headed back toward his place, stomach growling loudly along the way.

The trip was maybe ten minutes and by the time Dick was actually inside his apartment, he walked in on Roy and Wally still debating toppings. He waltzed into the room and ignored the bickering pair as he made his way to the shower. Patrol always left him feeling so gross.

Roy cursed when Wally threw his arms in the air and hit the archer in the face, a hand going to his nose. He noticed the whole reason they'd come to this stinking city as he walked by.

"Yo, Dick! How'd the situation go?"

Dick stretched, popping his back as he did so, before replying. "Went fine. A woman's glucose was too high and her kid panicked. Paramedics got there just as I left." He stopped in the hallway, looking back at them and grinning.

"Have you two seriously not decided on food yet? I leave you alone for twenty minutes and all you do is fight."

"You sound like my mother," Wally muttered. He was scrolling through something on his phone. He leaned over and showed it to Roy. Roy smirked and nodded.

"That looks good. You order it and I'll pay for it when it gets here."

Dick looked between the two of them, suddenly unnerved with how quickly they agreed.

"Should I be nervous about the food that's coming, or…?"

Roy's smirk melted into a shit-eating grin.

"Let's just hope you don't order from this place often."

Dick narrowed his eyes.

"What place is it and what did you do?"

"Nothing scandalous. But the amount of food we ordered on account of this bottomless pit here," Roy said, elbowing Wally, "is pretty embarrassing."

"It's not my fault my metabolism is ridiculous," Wally said, his cheeks turning pink. "That's nothing new."

Dick sighed and headed into his room for a change of clothes.

"Whatever." Roy shrugged. "At this point all I want is food and some bad movies."

"Roy's an expert at terrible movie choices. He's in charge."

Wally cackled and Dick heard some commotion as he reached to turn on the shower. He turned his head and hollered over the running water.

"You two better not break anything! Last time you were here I had to buy a new coffee table!"

He sighed when they quieted down and smiled, stripping and stepping under the hot water. After a night like this one, listening to those two bicker and fight was exactly what he needed.

[curlyjoe7]

Forming Your Own Opinions.

First off - major trigger warning for rape, manipulation and abuse. Second off - this is an adult conversation, between adults and only adults. I don’t want any arguments just informed debate. If you don’t know the situation then don’t speak. If you don’t like my opinion, agree to disagree, unfollow or block and move on. Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, all arguing will result in being blocked. Third off - I know this is old and no one wants to hear about it anymore but I just formed an opinion on it which I want to talk about. Sorry if hearing about it bothers you.

For the longest time and still even so now I have had the mentality: go with the popular opinion or just be quiet and you will be liked. Which is very toxic. I am obsessed with being liked, being plastic and letting others control my thoughts. I’m trying to get away from that though and this is my first step. Stating a controversial opinion. A big one. Very big. It’s hard for me, the whole thing has thrown me into a few severe anxiety attacks but I have to do this to get better or I never will. I’m super nervous and I’m ready to be hated or as ready as I possibly can be whilst simultaneously freaking out. So what’s my opinion? That Melanie Martinez is innocent. Just hear me out. Here’s why I think she’s innocent:

I was a big Melanie fan at the time of the rape accusations. At first when I heard it I thought “wow this is terrible, she’s a rapist” and cancelled her. It was really hard but I knew it was the best thing to do. After all it’s better to side with a potential victim than a potential rapist, right? I also knew nothing about the backstory so I had nothing to work off of but the word of someone I didn’t know existed and the statement “she never said no to what we chose to do together.” I as many thought that was a dumb excuse, just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean it means yes. But like I said, I had no backstory so I moved on and unfanned Melanie, as hard as it was for me. Randomly I thought of it again, in the past week, and wondered if there was anything else about it. Looked it up and well... there’s a ton. I want to make a disclaimer that when looking at all the evidence, I took into consideration both sides. I was completely unbiased in this despite my past love of Melanie. Rape is a serious issue and should be treated like that not just excused because you like the person who is accused of it. Though with what I was learning, Timothy’s story seemed fishy with some holes. So I did more digging. First let’s get the story clear of what supposedly happened:

And that’s it basically. That’s the story, coming straight from her Twitter. Pretty horrifying, manipulating and wrong. Makes you feel bad for Timothy. But it doesn’t end there. After she released that statement Melanie released her own:

Many people thought it was her admitting to it and claiming it wasn’t rape because she let it happen. Which had us thinking she was guilty as sin. Until Timothy started releasing more information. Apparently that same day they went to a thrift shop and picked up a game that included a blindfold, handcuffs, and a dice that said things like “lick leg.” Which she never mentioned at all before. Originally Timothy said that Melanie bought it but then later said she herself did. Which is odd since she stated she has been abused before and sexual stuff made her uncomfortable. But whatever she said she thought it would be funny. Now here’s where it gets weird, she never mentioned the game before, right?Maybe she forgot? Sure that’s reasonable. They played the game on June 25th 2015 according to Timothy in an interview:

At Melanie’s house. Melanie’s house is in LA. This is important because with further information, she was in New York performing on stage that day. She even made an Instagram post about it:

And fans have pictures of her on stage. You notice how her hair is blonde and black in this pic? Well to support her cause Timothy posted a picture of Melanie the night it happened:

Her hair is a different color. And on her phone it shows up as May 6th, 2015. She claims it’s because her iCloud is messed up and that pictures of her recently showed up at being in 2011:

I went to Melanie’s Instagram to see her hair color May 6th, 2015 and just look:

On May 2nd her hair was that color in the picture. It’s actually really easy to change dates on your iCloud too. That’s... odd. But there’s even more, I believe she said they stopped being freinds after that but I know she said they stopped being friends in 2016, yet in 2017 she said this:

Okay. Change it once, maybe you forgot but if she changed it twice and still got it wrong? Suspicious. She actually has changed a lot of the story, multiple times. She said originally she didn’t want to go to the cops because she was afraid they wouldn’t believe her then said on her Instagram Live that yeah it’s bad but not murder so she doesn’t deserve to go to jail. So which is true? I mean it doesn’t matter her reason, it’s her decision but why is the reason changing? In Timothy’s original statement she mentioned some of Melanie’s fans became her fans but their loyalty never strayed from Melanie. That’s... irrelevant. But is it actually? Melanie was supposed to release a new album one month later. Which didn’t end up happening and when you went to Timothy’s Twitter at the time she had a pinned tweet for her song. Kinda weird but okay, it was probably there before. But why mention the loyalty of her fans never straying from her? Like I said, it’s irrelevant to the topic but not to her potential motives. They started their careers at the same time and Melanie was more popular too. And apparently started focusing on her music more than her friends so both of these might be the reason why. Seems reasonable. Now of course I wanted to check the stuff on Melanie’s side too but all I found was the original statement and this one:

Which in my opinion does clear up the “she never said no” thing. I think what she was trying to say is, Timothy didn’t say no multiple times like she said she did and that Melanie would never have sex with someone without their complete confirmation. Maybe even she meant she didn’t say no to the game they played. Though it could mean: “She never said no, I didn’t act on when she did say no but pressured her to give in.” And what Melanie says in this statement: “I trusted so many people in my life who took advantage of that trust for their own personal gain” supports the fact Timothy did it for fame. She also mentioned that in her song she released on Spotify called Piggyback that goes:

Trusted too many people while I was still young

Gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrong

I cut them off and they came for blood cause they know

They ain’t getting no more

I’m so done playing piggyback

Swear to god I wished y’all all the best

You’re lying your way to try to gain a piece of me

When you could never come close cause I know my destiny

I worked hard for my shit

Put my love in this shit

Now you’re trying to kill my name for some fame

What is this?

Tried to help you do your shit

Encouraged you to work on it

Was a good friend and you used that to your advantage

Timothy did mention when Melanie blew up that she didn’t have time anymore for her and that she wanted to focus on her fans and music. So it does make sense that she did this for attention, to hurt Melanie. Even so the way Melanie worded her statement originally, doesn’t help her cause. Just made her look worse. The second statement however does clear it up in my opinion. With all the evidence and what Melanie said, it’s 1 point she’s guilty to multiple that she’s innocent. Even if you don’t like her you can’t deny that. There may be more points towards her being guilty as well, I’m not sure but this is all I could find, though there is just too many points towards her being innocent. In reality though none of this is fact, it’s just evidence and even evidence can be fake or twisted sometimes. Here’s a few more things about Timothy though and this story:

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but yet is willing to keep bringing it up. She dressed up as Melanie in 2016, a year after the rape, why would you put yourself through so much pain and do that? Idk just seems like it would hurt you more but she did love her so maybe that’s why: she was trying to deny the truth because of how much she loved her. She also suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) which I hate to bring up, just because she has a mental illness doesn’t mean she would do something fucked up. Just because anyone has a mental illness doesn’t mean it’s the reason for everything. Mental illness doesn’t equal bad morals but it can lead you to do bad things. Trust me I know, I have depression, anxiety and OCD. My OCD causes me to try to avoid particular things which I don’t always do in a nice way. I hurt people because I don’t want to deal with something related to it. This could be the same situation. The symptoms of BPD do explain why she would do this to hurt Melanie. For example some of the symptoms for BPD are pervasive instability in moods, distaste of one’s self image, insecurity and problems with interpersonal relationships. It seems logical with that info why she would do it if she is lying. Not to mention Timothy has claimed abuse on past bandmates of her old band Dresses where she only stayed cause they needed her voice. She has the history to make claims, I have no idea if it’s true though. She also allegedly molested a 16 year old girl. Also unsure if that’s true but if she did that she might have based the story on what she did since the story is quite similar. Regardless, here’s my complete opinion on the matter:

Timothy made it up for attention because she was jealous Melanie was focusing on her music not her and that she wasn’t as popular, probably a lot being because of her BPD. She knew a story like this would get attention and people would believe with the rising amount of sexual assault victims coming forward. So she posted it and then remembered she knew she had that picture of the game so she started basing it around that, picking a random date and saying it happened at Melanie’s house cause they are in her house in the pic, not knowing what Melanie actually did that day. However though she forgot the picture was dated and tried to blow it off as her iCloud being messed up which she supported by changing the date on recent pictures to awhile ago. And also she can’t remember parts of her story so she makes up new stuff and changes stuff a lot. Then she goes on to social media shading her and posting things about how hard it is to get empathy. Stuff like the picture on her IG story which is her crying (it just looks like she put in eyedrops to me) I would post but I hit the picture limit. She even contacted her friends to get in on it to make it look legit. She hasn’t gone to the cops because she knows they will find it bs and she’ll be revealed as lying. Most juries which are meant to be unbiased would side with Melanie because of the evidence so if it is false that explains why she hasn’t gone to the cops. And if it is real, honey if you don’t remember a part just say you don’t remember, it’s not helping your cause.

But that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own. There is probably even more to this that I don’t know but I shared everything I do. Though regardless let’s remember no side has concrete proof. To me everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You can’t really call her a good or a bad person and say it’s fact because you don’t know the truth. You can however support her by forming an opinion based on your own view of the situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who is defending rape. And to everyone who believes it: don’t get on the people who think it’s bullshit. You can’t deny there is a lot of holes in the story. And it doesn’t make you look better or woke nor is it siding with a potential rapist, it’s siding with evidence and your opinion. Evidence is better to side with than a potential victim just because they are a potential victim. Some people make stuff up. Even horrible things like that. Also don’t side with Melanie just because you like her, actually do some research and use your brain not your heart. It makes you a horrible person to just support her because “she’s my idol and a true fan would support her even if she’s a rapist!!!” That’s so fucked up. It truly makes me sick to hear delusional stans saying that. People like you are making the situation worse and contributing to rape culture. Delusional stans are also saying if you didn’t believe Melanie from the beginning on this situation you’re not a real fan. Which is not true at all. We are real fans, we just wanted to not instantly believe she didn’t do it because we like her. We wanted to figure out how we see the situation by looking at the evidence before jumping to conclusions. That makes us logical. On a similar note us questioning the situation and trying to find more information on it to form an opinion is also being logical. Not invalidating a potential rape victim. But rather doing the right thing and giving both parties the right to a fair trial. And if any of you are going to say: “why hasn’t Melanie done more about it then?” Would you want to talk about something like this? Something that damaged your career immensely? No, you wouldn’t. If it’s real, I’m sorry Timothy that this happened to you and Melanie deserves consequences. But if it is false, I’m sorry you have to deal with this Melanie and Timothy deserves consequences. Form your own opinion and please be respectful. I’m going to go back to supporting Melanie because I genuinely believe that she didn’t do it. That’s my decision, make your own. And don’t get on Melanie or Timothy, no cyber bullying them. Like I said you don’t know the truth nor do I, only they do. Even if you did being mean gets you nowhere. Now let’s just let this go and move forward from it.

[chebleedsink]

Narcissus’ Shadow

Do you ever find yourself covering for someone just because you feel bad for them, just quietly keeping to the shadowlands that they create for you? Maybe because they’re not all bad all the time, and in fact they can wonderful when they want to be? Because generally speaking, they treat most everyone (aside from yourself) really well. Maybe because you know their damage and toxic behaviors started in childhood, where they couldn’t choose to walk away from it? Or maybe because you know how alone and awful they feel on the inside all the time? Maybe because you’re empathetic enough that you not only can imagine, but can physically, mentally, or emotionally feel what it’s like to be them?

I know I do. It’s become second nature to me. I tend to side with the villains and “bad guys” in movies often too, for the same reasons. Really horrible people that do really horrible things, usually weren’t born that way, and they often had really horrible things happen to them first. Reminding myself that they are the hero in their own story isn’t a far stretch at all. I am even pretty certain that if I was ever held hostage, there would be a real possibility that I would develop Stolkholm syndrome if I saw the slightest trace of humanity left in my captor. I always think, “if only someone would love them unconditionally and hold some space for them, just give them the opportunity to change, they might not be villains anymore.” I’m sure the odds would be in favor of that being true some of the time, but some people are so caught up in their roles they play, that they can’t even see themselves for their behavior. Some people can see it, but can’t or won’t change it. Many of them just blame outside causes, while refusing to take any kind of responsibility for fixing things. They don’t want to be fixed. It’s not their problem.

I’m painfully aware that conditions like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, (and less commonly Psychopathy, and Sociopathy), at any point of their wide spectrums, wreak havoc in peoples lives, affecting not just the person suffering with them, but often everyone that comes in contact with them. Alongside generalized anxiety and depressive disorders, these extremely destructive personality disorders like NPD and BPD are taking the spotlight. Dare I say that our society currently supports and encourages the traits, behaviors, characteristics, and tendencies that are indicators of these disorders? Some people have figured out how to put these behaviors to good use, and they use them to unapologetically advocate for animal welfare, or starving children, environmental issues or other human right’s issues. Unfortunately though, that is probably the exception to the rule, and even when directing their attention at these just causes, they are still trampling the people that get in their way underfoot without a second thought.

So many people are either suffering from these disorders directly or indirectly, and so much mental and emotional damage is caused because of them. Someone with several of these traits wouldn’t even have to be considered disordered or even on the spectrum, (and they certainly don’t need to have been clinically diagnosed), in order to hurt the people around them. They are just as toxic in their own way. To know that highly empathetic people have turned into these people due to emotional numbing after feeling too many extreme emotions, as well as knowing people who were previously abused by this same type of person also become these people, is truly heart-breaking. It’s such a cruel cycle to see.

I know all of this, I know mental illness is not the mentally ill’s fault, I know it’s not fair to blame their damage on themselves, but I also know that many of these same people have been given opportunities to better themselves and they often choose not to. Again, with these types of disorders, those who are inflicted with them often can’t or won’t acknowledge that they need help, nor will they acknowledge the damage they cause. They very rarely see therapists for these particular issues, because to them, they aren’t their issues. Some of them can’t even feel bad about the things they do (due to a lack of empathy), even though they may have learned to act like they do. Some of them see reality completely backwards, where they honestly believe that everything they do to others, is actually what’s being done to them. Some of them are so good at fooling even themselves, and they have adapted so well to hiding, that they believe they are the empaths being abused in their various relationships. Empaths feel other peoples’ emotions, whereas narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths fake other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes it’s near impossible to tell the difference.

Aside from complete avoidance, how do you even begin to deal with these types of people in a healthy or productive way? Even worse, some of those people are just dipping a toe in and out of the spectrums of those disorders, and you can still see some hope for them. Hope that the switch won’t flip all the way, that they won’t be completely lost to it. Hope that they’ll come back around, or that meds and therapy could help. That hope is miserable. It destroys more people than the disorders themselves ever could. But for some of us, if there’s hope, we’ll still put ourselves in front of the train in the hope that we can help, in the hope that we can all be saved. Too often though, we are just hit by the train, and surviving and recovering from that train-wreck is a long and painful journey. Some of us never recover.

Even after spending the last 5 years cutting these types of people out of my life, there are some I can’t escape. It’s just not an option. So, to maintain the “peace”, I find myself still covering for them. I find myself treading water in the wake of their explosive fits and moods, just concentrating on the damage control to follow and on not drowning. And I am so tired of it, I hate it, I am done with it. It doesn't fix anything, and I'm pretty sure it always just perpetuates more problems than it solves, yet I still do it all the time.

Why? Why continue covering up their bad behavior behind the scenes? Why bite my tongue? Because I don't want to upset anyone, and they're already having a hard time, and if I don't have anything nice to say..., and it wouldn't make a difference anyway (-in fact it just causes more problems), and we have mutual friends, and they monitor my Facebook posts and have actually told me not to air my dirty laundry on social media (even though they do so regularly), besides, they’re not really that bad all the time, the list goes on.

I was so angry and upset the other night and I wanted nothing more than to vent on fb, mostly because writing is how I work through things, and because there are always a few people online to commiserate with who have gone through similar experiences, but once again, I didn't, because of all of the above reasons.

The next morning I thought I'd have calmed down a bit, but I hadn't. My brain was literally screaming at me to stop covering for him. Because it's not fair. And I know that. And I've literally put up with it for a decade. That's a long time to put myself on the quiet chair for someone else's sake. Two days later, and my brain won’t let it go.

I have spent years trying to be a better person, always improving myself, working through my baggage so I don’t have to keep carrying it around, generally just trying to be a decent human being really. My brain is demanding that I break this pattern of sweeping other people’s trash under my rug. And I really want to, but I still feel like I shouldn’t. I’ve been well-trained.

Honestly, I just wish I didn't always feel so bad for them, like I'd be kicking a downed horse if I ever called them out. But what do you do when the horse is always down? And when they’re actually up, between minute moments of calmness, they're extremely reactive and aggressively defensive, they’re kicking and biting you or things around you, they’re shitting everywhere, they’re loud, they’re stomping mud through the house, breaking things, leaving the barn door open, always threatening to run away, and you're afraid that anything you say to them, any way you say it, whether he's calm or otherwise, might set him off or upset him even more causing an even worse tantrum. You’re stuck in close proximity, but could you just avoid the horse? Maybe that way you'd feel less tempted to kick it? Oh, but wait... avoiding the horse just upsets the horse too?

Even worse, what do you do when those people have spent so much time convincing other people that they aren't like that at all? When they've convinced you that you're the only reason they behave like that? When they've actually convinced you that you're the one behaving that way, not them? When they claim to be the emotionally fragile one that you keep attacking?

Gaslighting is no joke, and even if you know it's happening, it's so easy to get sucked back into. It's like quicksand. The harder you fight against it, the more you panic when it's being flung at you, the deeper it pulls you in. I've learned the best reaction is to not react, and to stay calm, but that is not easy to do when your brain is screaming "Oh my gods! He's doing it again!!! Panic!!! Fight or Run!!!!.....Wait, maybe it is me and I am really the abusive crazy one!?!? No!!! Fight Back!!! Explain to him how he's twisting everything around!!!! Maybe it is my fault, I never should have said anything…Did I really do those things?.. But that’s what I was just saying…. Maybe I just don’t remember…" Before you know it, it's sucked you back under, because there's no point in arguing with someone who knows exactly how to gaslight you. You will never win that fight.

Fatigue is setting in. I’m exhausted with this person, with these people. I am tired of watching them say one thing, while they are actually doing the total opposite. I'm so tired of watching them play the victim and the pity me cards on social media, when behind the scenes it's so obvious that even though they are mostly responsible for their own suffering, they have zero self-accountability. I'm tired of double standards, especially the one where they expect to be thanked and appreciated for every single thing they do, every time they do it, even though they don't do the same, and in fact they rarely even notice (and certainly don't acknowledge) even half of the things that someone else does.

I am beyond tired of these people bragging about their greatness, and how much they do for other people, when it's all just for show and personal gain under the guise of philanthropy. I'm tired of them complaining about how hard they have it when they have been given so many handouts in life, especially when they've literally shoved other people out of the way to get where they are. I’m tired of their sense of entitlement that they claim to not have.

I am tired of the type of people who constantly make other people feel like an inconvenience, especially when it's their turn to repay a favor or a debt, or to hold up their end of a bargain or partnership. Especially, when they willingly made a deal or agreed to something (which they most likely never expected to be held accountable for.) I’m tired of people who talk over or belittle other people as an attempt to publicly shame or dominate them. I’m tired of them always stepping into the spotlight when it’s someone else’s turn.

I'm tired of people who try to hold others hostage with power-plays, and by manipulating emotions. I'm tired of damaged people getting away with damaging other people just because they're damaged. I'm tired of inconsiderate people. I'm tired of hypocrites.  I'm tired of constantly volatile, hyper-defensive people who don't take responsibility for anything. I'm tired of people who try to shift the blame from themselves to everyone or anyone else they possibly can.

I'm tired of cleaning up other people's messes, literally and metaphorically, of all types, shapes and sizes. Even more than the actual "cleaning" part, I'm tired of being expected to do the job. I’m just as tired of expecting myself to do the job. I’m tired of people doing a half-assed job because the “job” isn’t their choice of what they want to do, and I’m tired of people putting in the least amount of effort possible. I’m tired of people who have no clue how to be a team-player.

I'm tired of people who give or do things for others as a way to put people in debt to them, or to be able to take credit for their successes later on. I am tired of "those" people who say, "but you don't see things from my side", or "you never listen to me". You know, the ones that when they say that, it's such a pile of crap and it's painfully obvious that they only see their own side of anything. The same people may be able to repeat back exactly what you said, but they didn't "hear" a word of it. I'm tired of talking to and fighting with brick walls.

I'm really, really tired of the people who use "I'm sorry" angrily, as a way to excuse their behavior, shift the blame, to clear their own conscience and to justify them doing the same thing over again for an unlimited amount of times. I'm tired of two-faced people. And I am so tired of people who claim to be the world's victim, when they're really the ones victimizing people. I'm tired of the people who accuse others of doing exactly what they themselves are doing.

I'm tired of keeping it to myself for someone else's sake. I'm tired of not bitching about it. I'm tired of keeping other people's ugly sides hidden, and I'm tired of keeping their images polished for some nonsensical reason.

You want to act high and mighty and tell me not to do something you just did (the 10x's worse, extreme version of) the day before?

Fuck you.

You want to tell me your shitty behavior is my fault?

Fuck you.

You want to act like you're so misunderstood, down-trodden, wounded and abused by me, when I was the one that excused and put up with your toxicity, abuse, and neglect for years.

Fuck you.

You want to try to poke me where it hurts, salt the wounds repeatedly, then try to cover it back up with sugar, just because you can?

Fuck you.

I'm tired. And I'm done. Just because someone does good things too, does not mean that you should put up with their shit. Just because you love someone as a person, doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. Just because you still feel some sort of hope for someone’s well-being, doesn’t make it your job to protect or help save them. Being a victim, being under too much stress, being mentally unwell is not a justified reason to pass the abuse. When it comes to physical abuse, these things are much more obvious, but emotional and mental abuse are equally damaging, you just can’t see the marks left on the outside.

I cannot wait until this page in my life turns to a fresh leaf, where I can just breathe again. Where I have space and where I can put some distance between myself and the things that hurt me the most. I know growth is painful, but I’m ready to take my hand off of the remnants of this fire. Although I often hate myself for the decisions that led to my situation, I count my blessings that I was at least able to remove myself from the pits of the original blaze, even if I did I let it burn me for way too long. I was left with so many scars, but I turned those scars into red-flags and memorials for life-lessons learned. I don’t ever want to forget those warning signs.

I currently have an amazing, loving, kind, considerate and self-aware partner in my life, the kind of person that I started thinking didn’t really exist. They’re not perfect, (no one is), but they don’t pretend to be, and they hold themselves accountable, and they do the work. Not only have they set a new standard in my life, but they have given me a whole new type of hope to focus on; the hope that I will continue to rise above my ingrained patterns of constantly choosing toxic people to surround myself with, and that I can make better choices, without feeling guilty about not sacrificing myself to save someone else.

My brain is still grumbling that I’m still covering. That I didn’t even mention who I was talking about or the details of the last argument, or the things he said, or the toxic things he does on a daily basis, or the way he really acts when no one else is around. Perhaps I’ll save that for another post. I feel that the vagueness of this post may just be more useful for anyone reading that may have needed to read this today.

If you’ve read this far, I’m assuming you probably can relate. You’ve probably felt these stingers once, or twice, perhaps more times than you’d like to count. You might be trapped at the moment, without a clear path to escape, but when the time comes, as soon as the opportunity arises, don’t think twice about getting out. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel like you’ve failed. Don’t convince yourself that maybe you should just try one more time, because you probably shouldn’t. Don’t cover for them if you don’t have to, or if it’s safe not to. You owe it to yourself.

Don’t believe them when they tell you it’s all your fault, and that if you would just behave differently things would be better. Don’t believe them when they say they’ll change. These types of people rarely change without meds and therapy, and if you already feel tired, or done, or you’ve been covering longer than you’d like to admit, chances are the jokes on you. Don’t believe them when they say it’s all in your head. Don’t believe anything they tell you to try to convince you that there isn’t anything wrong with them, or if they argue there is something wrong with them that you just need to accept because it’s not going to change.  If they repeat your argument back to you as their own response, if you hear your own words or emotions being turned around and parroted back, or being used completely out of context, run my friend, run and don’t look back.

Should we still hold space for these people? Afterall, they are just human beings, right? They are just as deserving of love and acceptance as anyone else, even if they are toxic, even if they can’t love or accept us. I think we should hold space, and we should still love them unconditionally as human beings, however, we should hold their space as far away from ourselves as possible, and we should love them from great distances. My heart still bleeds for them, I can’t imagine what an awful existence many of them live, and I still wish I could help, but I’m so much wiser now. I know better. And every day, I get a little braver. One day, I’ll stop covering.  

[lemonjoonah]

Under Fire - Pt 5

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Title: Under Fire Word Count: 4K+ Rating: M Genre: Gang AU, Drama Warnings: Violence  Pairings: Hyung Line x Reader (Primarily Namjoon x Reader), very slight OT7 x Reader.   Pairings (in this chapter): V x Reader, Namjoon x Reader, JK x Reader (small part, I promise he’ll get more time soon) 

Summary: As a child you lived among the most wealthy and powerful, after the death of your mother you were shipped off to stay with her sister. Even after finishing your education you continue to live apart from the elite, but a visit home creates an unexpected disaster. You are suddenly roped into a darker world, and who better to be your guide than the infamous gang known as BTS.

A/N: Going forward you are going to see other k-pop groups popping up more and more. It makes it so much more readable to include other groups than OCs. For a GangAU you need a lot of additional characters. I know that I am not portraying them perfectly, but well... someone has to play the villain...

Chapter 5 - The Art of Evasion

POV (Y/N)

The next morning you wake encircled by Namjoon. His arms are cradling your head to his chest. His cheek rests on the top of your head. You both are still lying on the lawn chair in the cold morning air, sun peeking out behind the skyline.

The brightness however, isn’t what wakes you. That action lies with Suga, a pot, and a wooden spoon.

“What the hell Suga?” Yells Namjoon.

“Just trying to scare the pigeons away from you.” He says in his lethargic tone.

Namjoon looks to the sky, it’s empty.

“Pigeons... Really Suga? If you were jealous just say so.”

You instantly flare with a blush.

“Even if I was jealous, at least I am not taking advantage of her while she is in a vulnerable state. That would just be inconsiderate.”

Namjoons arms suddenly fling up over his head as if in surrender.

Suga cracks a smirk and leaves.

“Wow, that got to you didn’t it?” You ask. “Suga was just pushing your buttons. I am an adult, I can make my own decisions.”

He checks his watch, “We should head to the kitchen, the others will be waking up and we need to discuss plans for the day.”

On your first attempt to get up you want to vomit. You clutch your head and groan.

“Hangover?”  You make a pointing gesture with your finger at him in confirmation. Fearful of opening your mouth. He laughs, “You have my permission to blame it on Suga.”

“Thanks but I just built that bridge, I don’t think I want to risk burning it.”

Suga was in front of the stove when you enter, the other members starting to pour in too.

“Why is Suga up so early?” V yawns.

“He’s on breakfast duty this week for almost poisoning (Y/N), while simultaneously giving Jin a heart attack.”  There is a clatter of pans as Suga continues his work, while ignoring Namjoon. You go over to help Suga feeling equally responsible, but he wordlessly points you to a seat.

Suga places dishes in front of each of you consisting of eggs and toast. You look over at Namjoon’s plate to see that the toast is far darker than your own, and there seems to be a crunch to his eggs as he bites into them. Namjoon finishes off his plate but glares at Suga the entire time, Suga just smirks back at him.

“Any suspicious behaviour from VIXX?” Namjoon asks Hope.

“No, I think that they were just heading there for a drink, it didn’t seem like they knew that Suga and (Y/N) were going to be there.”

“Good, we will have to call the Rail Bar off limits for now though, just in case. (Y/N), V is going to take you to the bank today to meet with the lawyer and manager who handles your Father’s accounts. Jimin and JHope will be stationed nearby. JK will be monitoring.” You smile at JK warmly, feeling bad for not having a chance to speak with him yet.

“The new clothes are on your bed,” J-Hope informs you with his mouth full.

“I’ll be down here when you’re ready.” States V.

You step out of the Kitchen and Jin follows, “How’s your shoulder?” He asks he accompanies you upstairs. “I would like to take a look at it, probably change the bandage too. Meet me in my office after you shower.”

Hair still damp you wrap yourself in a towel and head to the small infirmary that is Jin’s office.  You did not expect to collide with a tall dark haired statue outside your door. JK grabs your waist to steady you, but once he realizes what you’re wearing quickly lets go.  A blush creeps onto his face he looked down at the floor and stutters.

“Sorry, I wanted to talk to you before you left. I didn’t mean to catch you like this.”

“It’s fine, Jin just asked to change my bandage before we head out. I’ve wanted to say thank you for your help the other day, without you I wouldn’t have made it out.”

“It was nothing,” he says shyly. “RM says that you are pretty tech savvy yourself, I was hoping once you were finished with the bank that you could assist me with creating a line to your set up in Busan. I figured it would be less intrusive to use your door to access the police database then create my own.       

“Ah, he told you about that did he? Of course, and I would love to see your setup here.” You start to twist your hair into a knot. “I’m self taught and new to the skill so I would love any advice or help you can give.”

“Hacking the BPD is impressive, there’s no way you are a noob.”

“It’s just a piggy back.”

JK seems much more relaxed discussing a topic that he knows well. But it doesn’t last long when he accidentally glances back down. “I’ll come find you once I’m back.” You say essentially offering him a chance to bail. He takes it nodding his eyes wide as he hurries around the corner.

You spot Jin leaning against the the doorway of the infirmary. “Is he always so shy?”

“Just with new people, soon you won’t be able to shut him up.” He looks down at your towel, “Your state of dress probably didn’t help either.”

Jin gestures to the table so he could get a good look at your injury under the light.

You inhale sharply as he takes the bandage off.

“It’s healing well, still no sign of infection.” His eyes are on the wound but his mind seems to be elsewhere. “RM and I are planning the memorial for tomorrow.  I hope that we did not overstep. Is there anything that you might like to include?”

“No, you clearly knew him better than I did. Thank you for setting it up.”

“It’ll just be us there, is that okay?”

You nod smiling through the pain. You understand, that it’s time to put your mask back on, and face reality in your new role, heir to the billionaire philanthropist. “Keeping everything out of the spotlight would probably be for the best.”

Hope had laid out a black pencil skirt and green blouse with a trench coat. Coat in hand you make your way downstairs. V is at the door along with Namjoon, Jhope and Jimin.

“You can tell that Hope dressed you, that boy loves green. I’ll have to take you shopping sometime.” V comments.

“He does does he?” You eye him carefully as he stands next to you. While the rest are receiving orders you lean over to Hope. “Sales clerk picked them out huh?”

“She asked for my favourite colour what was I supposed to say?”

“That it wasn’t for your girlfriend you dork, you could have just invented a friend in the hospital or something.”       

He gives you a nervous smile, as he helps you put on your coat.

Once Namjoon has finished talking to the rest of the group, he turns to you. “Henry will meet you at the bank, he’s your father’s lawyer and has handled your father’s accounts for several years. V is the best at handling the legal aspects. If you have any questions, he can help.”

He looks down at you grabbing your shaking hands, “This is the easy part I promise, just a few dotted lines to sign.”

He could tell you are getting nervous. This isn’t your first choice. You could say no, however that would be a disadvantage, not only to the team, but also your father’s foundation.

J-Hope and Jimin sit in the front, you are seated in the back with V, who has matched your formal attire with a suite. The drive there is quiet.  V would look over at you every now and then with a side glance.

When you pull up to the bank V opens the door and holds out his hand to take yours. As he guides you up the marble steps he whispers, “No need to be worried, if anything they should be nervous. You could shut this whole bank down by simply demanding your money. Actually, let’s try it, give them a bit of a scare.”

You chuckle, “Thanks V, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” When you reach the top a younger gentleman bows to you. “Miss (L/N)?” You are taken aback. In Busan you went by your mother’s maiden name (L/N), while everyone in Seoul called you Park. Hearing it again makes you feel like your life is split in two. Sensing your apprehension he corrects himself, “Forgive me would you prefer Miss Park?”

V introduced him before you can answer, “(Y/N) this is Lau Henry, he will be assisting you now, he has agreed to continue to conduct your father's business under your name.”

You greet him with a nod, “Park is more suitable going forward.”  

“He was in charge of drafting the will and has known about you for some time.” V says darkly.

“The information was all there you just had to know where to look V.”

“How was I to expect that he would keep a daughter hidden?!”

“Of course a man of his wealth and status would have a child, what did you think would happen when he passed?”

“I don’t know I thought that he might adopt RM, take him on as an heir.”

Your anxiety immediately goes into overdrive. Oh god is that what they thought? Are they bitter because Namjoon wasn’t the heir? Are they just pandering until they could take the money from you? Do they just see you as an obstacle  to overcome? The possibilities keep popping into you mind, each one worse than the last.

As you are being lead into the bank you are introduced to several people but you can’t hear a word that anyone was saying. You are drowning in your own head.

You wish V wasn’t so perceptive.  Apologizing for your inattentiveness and trying to shield you from the barrage of legal information. Your heart continues to beat at a racing pace, your breathing shallow. The lawyers leave the room for a moment to grab the documents needed. V reached for you hand, “Just a couple of signatures and we are out of here. Think of something that brings focus to your mind it’ll help you relax. I personally like think of ways I could rob these crooks,” He smiles.

“An interesting method,” You laugh at his joke,  thankful for the distraction, that interrupts your thoughts.

“Real money can be messy, acquiring the zeros digitally would be safer and less trackable, but also less fun,” he adds.

“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Of course, you need...” V suddenly zones out mid sentence. “Yep I see them JK.”

V is obviously listening to a conversation in his earpiece. You are flustered having been once again left in the dark.

“How the hell am I supposed to know who they are with, I’m not the one with the database in front of me.” He continues to bicker with the voices in his ear.

Your temper rises, “Who do you have to fuck to get an earpiece?” You mutter darkly hoping he would catch on to your annoyance.

V instantly shut down. “Ah sorry, that would be me... not that you need to exchange sexual favours for a radio, I’m just in charge of tech.” He pulled a new ear piece out of his breast pocket. “JK put ear piece 2 - 1 - Charlie - Golf on the channel, listed as Fire.”

He placed a hand under my chin as he put the bud in my ear. “Fit okay?” You nod. “My mic is in here,” He taps his collar, “Sorry I don’t have an extra one of those, but mine should be able to pick you up.”

“Okay guys let's keep the crassness to a minimum, Fire is online. First person to swear has to answer to Jin.”

“Welcome Fire.” I could hear the smile in J Hope's voice. Hearing your old nickname comforts you.

“No existing records that I can see.” JK must have still been trying to work out who they were.

“Can I take a closer look?”

“No stay at your post Jimin. I don’t want them catching on that we know. They must be new blood.”

“They are probably just following you to get a location when you return to the base.” V turns to you unexpectedly, “What do you think we should do in this case Fire?”

You are confused but his interest in your opinion but decide to play along. “Ignore them, let them follow until we can get to a busy place with lots of turns and escape routes.”

“Looks like we are going to the art museum,” V smiles.

“Are you even allowed in there V?” asks Jimin.

“I am as long as they don’t recognize me.”

Henry and the bankers chose this time to return to the office preventing you from asking V why he wouldn’t be allowed in.

You began to sign the papers in a daze as the conversation in your head continues.

“Nope definitely not allowed in they have a mug shot on the banned list, I doubt they would be able to identify him now I mean look at that hair!”

“Send me a pic JK,” Jimin whines.

“Check your phone it’s already there.”

“Ha hair, more like lack of, nice buzz cut.”

V’s face is blank. He takes out his phone types a quick message and then returns it to his pocket.”

“You could try beating me to a fucking pulp, but I don’t think you would last one round.”

Once again V take out his phone.

“I didn’t swear in front of her I was just reading your text, aishhh Jin  is going to kill me.”

You see a slight smile slide onto V’s face.   

“Miss Park that should be it, I will have a financer contact you later on to go over your plans for the foundation, and your own funds. I am sure that you would like some time to process before you dive into it.”

“Yes thank you. That would be the best course of action.”

“The transfers will take tonight so you should have access to your funds by tomorrow.”

One of the bankers stood up. “Congratulations Miss Park, you are now one of the richest people in Korea.” He boasts.

You snap at his smug grin, “Congratulations? Tell me do you think I am proud I watched my father die in front of me? Do you think I enjoyed it? That is the only reason I am hear after all, am I to be congratulated for his demise? Believe me when I say, I would gladly give away every dime of that inheritance to bring him back.” You can hear shouts of agreement over the earpiece.

“My apologies mamame I did not intend to insult you.”

“No, no of course not... I’m sure it would not be an insult coming from someone who values wealth over human life.” You turn to Henry, “We should consider changing financial establishments I am not sure that I trust the way that they conduct business here. If you could contact other banking institutions on my behalf I would like to meet with them.”

Henry nods taking down notes with a small smile.  The bank manager is in shock. “Madame I am truly sorry for the offense. How can we insure that we keep your patronage?” The formality coming from a man of his age towards you is almost enough to make me laugh. You have him scared shitless.

“Perhaps we could continue this meeting with Lunch at La Yeon?” He suggests

“So you can wine and dine me? You continue to dig yourself a deeper hole. Show me that you and your bank can actually work for a community for once instead of bleeding it dry. Then maybe I will allow you to continue holding my father’s fortune.”

You turn your back on their ninety degree bows, V at your side beaming. You say goodbye to Henry at the lobby exit. V pulls you into an alcove over at the side. “Your father would have been proud of how you handled yourself in there.”

You smile back at him. You knew going in they would try to take advantage you and your situation, keeping them on their toes would be the easiest way to show you would not be controlled.  

“Ready for the next test?”

“Two hawks still hovering,” JK comments.

“Right, let’s move.” He offered his arm to me, “Best to look as natural as possible, as if we are on our way to the museum for a date.”

“Don’t push it V,” Scolds Hope.

“As friends of course,” V adds trying to cover his intentions.

You take his arm as you exit the bank.

“We will meet you guys there, the second you lose them head to the car it’ll be at the back entrance.”

“Jimin stay on as driver, JHope will be extraction backup for emergencies only. The less attention we can draw the better. Fire is still the center of the news cycle, we don’t need another scene just yet.” JK informs them of their roles.

You couldn’t help but speed up your pace as you walk down the street.

“Whoa slow it down, we need to give the others time to set up the route, and you don’t want to let on that we know. I am going to point at this very uninteresting bakery on the right, you are going to look at it, laugh and see if you can spot the hawks out of the corner of your eye.”

You do just that, noticing two people that didn’t fit with the surrounding crowd.

“Two sore thumbs in suites?”

V confirms, “Bingo! JK do you have the museum’s cameras online yet?”

“Yeah busy day there it’ll be easy to loose them in the crowd. It looks like they shut down the back west portion for renovations. It’s completely empty, might be a good place to break away and make a run for it I can turn off the alarms on the doors so you will go unnoticed, but V will need to grab a key..”

“Any idea on who they are with yet?” V asks

“Still nothing turning up in the database.” JK sighs in disappointment.

“Damn, I would really like to know who we are about to piss off.”

“Based on proximity it might be EXO.” Guesses Jimin.

“Let’s hope it’s not.” Responds Hope.

A light drizzle begins to descent as you continue to walk. V pulls out an umbrella and you both huddle beneath it , several other pedestrians around you popping open their own.

“They are going to get closer as to not lose us, just remain calm and follow my lead.” His slender hand grabs yours as you continue down the street.

The museum is in constant flux with exhibits. The Van Gogh exhibition doesn’t open for three more days. This leaves the west wing, our destination closed to the public. V buys the tickets as you grab a map, but instead of focusing on the exhibits you memorize the exits.

“Looks like that closed exhibit is still going to be your best bet every other corner of this place is full of people and someone will notice an abrupt exit.” JK instructs.

You are able to stop by a few of the other displays before making our way to the final destination. If V is nervous he didn’t show it, instead he seems to be enjoying himself. You clench the map and umbrella, repeating V’s tips in your head, slow your pace, don’t make sudden movements, smile, and focus on the art. After a sufficient amount of time you notice your convoy starts to lag back again. You see a sign stating that the exhibit you’re approaching is closed.

“Still empty JK?’

“Yeah the only people inside are the ballet dancers in the paintings.”

V had taken a key card from a security guard but the door is already unlocked.

“Wait,” you grabbed V’s arm realizing that something is wrong, “Van Goh didn’t paint ballet...”

You don’t get to finish your thought before being pulled into the room by V. You had run into the gallery blindly trusting JK’s assessment. The frames on the walls are empty, the room is not.

The door shut behind you. You have a strange sense of Deja Vu come over you. V shoves me into a corner and places himself between me and the 4 men now approaching.  Your shoulder hits the wall causing you to wince but the pain was nothing compared to the fear you now feel. I remember  these faces from the police database in Busan. All of the major cities in Korea had files on the suspected members of EXO.

  “Wasn’t sure that you would come, but now I can see that you are as predictable as ever V.” The leader spoke, you recognize him as Suho from his mug shot. How could they have know to set this up? Someone had to have told them you were on your way here.

You look at the bare walls, “Must have been a screenshot they had on file, the Dega exhibit hasn’t been here for a while.”  You mutter to V hoping they can hear you through his mic.

You heard JK cursing loudly on the headset. “Can’t believe I fell for a fucking screenshot.”  

Jimin becomes the voice of reason, “Calm down, find them a way out of there.”

“I can’t it’s gone dark now, all of it has. Their hacker must have a more direct connection.”  

Two of the members came up on either side of V, he take a swing but receives a punch to the gut instead, giving them a chance to take hold of his arms.

 You mind is racing, thinking back to the map. Only two exits from this room the door we came in, the other the other at the end of the series of adjoining rooms. Definitely not ideal.

Suho approaches V, pulls out his earpiece and crushes in on the floor with his foot.

“V’s radio is damaged, Hope you’re up.”

“On my way (Y/N), keep them distracted and whatever you do don’t let them move you, Jimin be ready with the car.”

“I heard that you had quite the security breach the other night. GOT7 getting in the manor grounds. My patron was sad to hear of the death of Mr. Park, he will be paying his respects soon. But for another gang to take out your founder, I don’t think your reputation will ever recover  from that devastation.”

V grits his teeth. “You speak of it as though EXO had nothing to do with it, we all know who holds the leash of GOT7.”

“GOT7 acted on their own, although we might have let it slip that BTS were the ones interfering with their cargo deliveries.”

V pulls against those holding him.

“But we are not here to gloat, play nice pooch I need to talk to your new master for a moment.”

V wasn’t having it as they pulled him away from his position in front of me. He lashes out only to receive a beating in return.

Suho looks to you, “Forgive my rudeness Miss Park. I will have to introduce myself as V seems determined to keep you from me.”

“No need Suho, let’s cut the formalities. What do you want?”

His eyes flare, you are sure he did not expect you to respond in such an aggressive manner. “My patron wished for me to pass along a message. He would like for BTS to disband, and call off any projects. There is no point in continuing your father’s foolish goals. He wouldn’t want you to encounter the same fate as your mother.”

You can’t hide the shock on your face. Suho holds a smirk and steps closer to you, “They haven’t told you yet have they?”

You could barely hear Jimin over the ear piece. “I’m so sorry Fire, we were going to tell you.”

You are petrified but at the same time furious. Completely distracted you are unsure of what to do. JHope calls your attention back, “Fire I’m outside the door, I need a distraction, I’m going in blind.”

You realize that you are still clutching the umbrella in your hand. Suho doesn’t seem to notice your earpiece thanks to your hair.  You doubt that he can expect what’s coming next. “Now!” you shout as you swing your umbrella at Suho’s face making contact with his nose.

Hearing your voice J-Hope comes bursting in the door guns in hand. V uses this moment of surprise to take down his captors. You both made a break for Hope but you are not so lucky. Suho catches your arm and hold you against his chest as a shield.

Hope is livid, “Suho you’re sporting a little blood on your face, it’s a good look. If you want we could add to it.”

“As if you would have the guts to shoot me with her right here.”  

“I might not, but Suga does.” J-Hope smiles.

The colour drains from Suho face as he looks to the windows, and the tall buildings outside. You are suddenly thrust forward. V catches hold of you.

“No need, call him off we were just here to deliver a message.”

JHope mutters, “stand down” while holding his ear as if he was talking to someone. You can only hear Jimin on the line chuckling darkly.

“I’m guessing you heard it, tell RM to back off his plan or next time we’ll take her.” His glare at you does not go unnoticed, as V grips you even tighter. Suho continues with a lighter tone, “I was hoping that Jin would be here too, if you could pass on the well wishes of his father and the invitation to return.”

Once again you are stunned by his words, but your desire to flee is far greater than your curiosity.

J-Hope steps slowly back to the door, you and V follow suit. “If you think Jin is going back to his father, you must be on your own product.”

“No, I just understand how detrimental it can be to lose one's founder. You have a new link in the chain. Sure it’s pretty but it’s also weak, she won’t be able to support you before you come crashing down. It would be wiser for Jin to come back while he still can.” Suho turned his eyes back to you, “ It was lovely to meet you Miss Park. I’m sure we will see you again soon.”

You continue to retreat until your backs made it to the door. J-Hope still has his guns aimed, while you and V slip out the door, he quickly follows once your clear. You run down the hall to the exit V flipping the fire alarm on the way. All at once, there is a rush of the people to the doors hope grabs both you and V to prevent separation. Anyone watching would have had difficulty picking you out of the crowd. The tinted SUV is off to the side of the exit, you all scramble in. Jimin keeping his eyes on the rear-view mirror as he pulls out onto the road.

[aeondeug]

I think I am finally able to better articulate why the current thing with vampireapologist and antis has hit so hard. It’s the sheer lack of compassion. There’s a lot of concern for children, but there’s an uncompromising lack of nuance. A refusal to have it. A line has been drawn in the sand and they openly looked in the eyes of people like me and told us that we were just making excuses. That we’re also just abusers.

And you know? That really fucking hurts. Really bad. In a not fucking useful ass way.

Kencyrath involves canonical incest. It involves canonical incest that is not condemned by nature of it being incest. Indeed, the thing we could call the canon main ship of the series is incestuous and not condemned on account of that. What problems Jame and Tori have aren’t ‘Wow that’s my twin! I guess that means we’re inherently incapable of consenting to anything with one another.’

And that’s uncomfortable for a lot of people. Lots of people can’t read these books and I get that. I feel that the bare baseline for recommendation etiquette with these novels is that you got to bring up the incest and you got to bring up that Jame/Tori is a repeated thing that shows up and is not shown to be unhealthy because they’re twins but because of personal abuse history shit and what reads like fantasy BPD. And that’s fine. It’s fine not to be comfortable with it.

I get that.

But these books are also honestly probably some of the most important books I have ever read. They are some of the only books that have ever looked at someone with my sort of abuse history and who have ever looked at the ways I’ve ended up acting because of that and gone ‘Yeah, no, you still get to be a magical good boy hero with a cool sword! It’s just going to be a bitch to unlearn your unhealthy coping mechanisms and that’s ok so long as you’re getting there.’ Exceedingly few things do that. I never get to be the hero of fantasy novels. At best I get to see characters that have my problems but have the roughness filed off. Or which don’t treat us like human beings. Or which feel kind of like us but always feel like the author writing the story doesn’t actually understand what living through this is like, so that the roughness of the character feels flat and fake. Like it’s an approximation someone made of one of us out of clay based off descriptions they read on wikipedia.

These are helping me.

They’re not the sole thing in my recovery process, of course. They can’t be. But they do help a lot. Because I get to see someone like me. I get to see someone like me treated with compassion and told that they can be a cool hero dude too. I get to see things like the one character realizing that her abusive father wasn’t actually an unstoppable monster but just some...person. Like he was still a dick, but fundamentally he was just a person with an understandable reason as to why he was the way he was. And the father doesn’t get redeemed by any stretch. But she is kind of able to let go of the seemingly all encompassing fear of she had what seemed more like a monster than a man.

Or, you know, something that comes up in my fucking therapy sessions and which is part of the fucking process of healing from abuse. Something that I’m still having to work on and which I was so fucking not about initially that I actually yelled at my therapist one day and declared that I would never, ever do it. Even though we’ve started to do just that and it’s actually fucking helping.

And now I have some fuck on tumblr just coming in and refusing to have any degree of compassion for people like me. They see our hard edges and say that none of that matters. That everything is just forever bad without exception and that there can be no nuance. Your books and your fanfictions involve The Naughty Bad Incest Times so they’re just bad and probably abusing children right now.

And you know what that feels like? It feels like I am being pointed at and told that it’s something I deserved. Like I fucking deserved what’s happened to me. That the sexual abuse from family members is my fucking fault and that I’m just as fucking bad as they are because I happen to like this fucking book series where a pair of twins kiss and I write lots of fanfictions about it and other equally weird or fucked up shit.

I get that that’s probably not the intent but that’s how it ends up coming across to the trauma brain. I get that. Especially with how so much of the concern is regarding fandoms with like wider pulls. But I dunno I’ve fucking seen the Rose/Dave homestuck fandom (I am part of it, though a quiet part, after all) and honestly they seem to stay in their own fucking lane and tag their fucking shit and don’t really seem about going ‘YOU MUST READ MY THING OR YOU ARE A BAD PERSON’. And I’m not really sure I can see what the fucking issue is so long as everything is properly tagged and kept in its proper location. 

And like that’s bad but still the thing that bothers me most is how little feeling vampireapologist appears to have for people like me. And how little the people reblogging that followup post about how even people like me have no excuse or whatever the fuck have.

There was not a single lick of compassion in that entire fucking spiel and I read the whole damned thing. The only thing there was malice and puritanical panic. And you know what? We’re fucking people too. We exist, we matter. “I’m a person and my name’s Anakin.”

This isn’t even about my stupid fucking fanfiction shit, I just don’t want some fucking asshole to just take my shit and throw it on the ground and then fucking blame me for what’s happened to me before telling me that I’m just as bad as they are.

You know when I’ve been making some progress on the whole not being a raging dickhead thing. And now some of that seems to be backsliding because ‘What if I actually am a monster?’ and ‘What’s the point in bothering if I am one...I might as well just be one...’

That’s why people don’t fucking trust antis. There’s a lot of reasons why but that’s one of them. It’s because they don’t actually care. They don’t actually try to sympathize. They don’t actually view us as human beings. We’re just pawns to knock over in some stupid fucking morality game. And that’s fucking bullshit. We’re people. Why don’t you fucking care?

[hymn2000]

Hope I’ve Got Something To Lose - MCU AU fanfic - C10

Story overview: Peter has an accident, and Tony makes a drastic decision. In the midst of everything, a face from the past reappears - but Peter isn’t too sure about reconnecting after everything that’s happened.

Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Part of my irondad and spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: injury, hospital stuff, hurt/comfort, mental health stuff, family stuff, corporal punishment

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 10 - Can’t Carry On Anymore

-

Peter thought he’d feel fine in the morning, but he didn’t. The first thing that annoyed him was that his parents had obviously been in, as the photo was back on the bedside table, and he was tucked up under the quilt. He didn’t know why it annoyed him so much, but it did. 

He hauled himself out of bed, had a quick wash and got dressed, and wandered off to the kitchen. He tugged at Tony’s sleeve.

“Hey kiddo”

“I need to go out”

“You’re grounded” Tony said. “You know that”

Peter nodded. “I need to go out”

Tony sighed. “Where?”

“It’s none of your business! Can’t you just let me out for an hour or two?”

“Where are you wanting to go?”

“That’s none of your business! I’ve already said that!”

“Why are you crying, Peter?”

Peter knuckled his eyes. “I hate you”

Tony just nodded and went back to what he was doing. Peter was about to pounce when he heard Loki’s familiar footsteps. 

“Have one of you been using my debit card? My statement doesn’t make any sense”

“How much is it out by?”

“About $83” Loki said, frowning at his tablet. “I’ve been through all my receipts and emails and it’s definitely nothing I can account for”

Tony looked at him, and then they both looked at Peter. 

“What?”

“You know what” Tony said. “Have you been using dad’s card?”

“I’ve got my own bank account”

“That wasn’t my question. What have you been buying?”

“I’ll tell you if you let me go out”

Tony sighed in an exasperated fashion, and shook his head at Loki. 

“I know, unbelievable” Loki said, raising an eyebrow. “Go to your room, Peter. We’ll talk about this later”

“No, I need to go out”

“So you keep saying” Tony said. “But you won’t tell me where you need to go”

“I’m going to the shop later if you need me to pick anything up” Loki said.

“I don’t need a shop! I need to go out!”

“You’re getting hysterical” Tony said. “Calm down, please”

Peter didn’t. Once he’d started crying, he couldn’t stop. Loki saw Tony twitching in annoyance, and took one for the team. He lifted Peter up into his arms.

“Get us a cup of tea, will you, darling?” Loki said to Tony.

He grabbed a sports drink and a packet of biscuits, and took Peter out of the room.

-

Loki put the drink and biscuits on the lamp table, and set Peter down on the sofa.

“You need to stop”

“I can’t..!” Peter howled. “I can’t!!”

“Yes you can. What on Earth has gotten into you? It’s a bit early in the day for a breakdown, isn’t it?”

“You’re not funny! I want to go out!!”

“Well that’s just tough, and you know it” Loki said, not unkindly. “Come on now, you’re going to give yourself one hell of a headache”

Peter just kept crying. Loki grabbed a dark green tartan-patterned blanket and wrapped it round the boys shoulders.

“There we are, my Small Soft Hamish” 

Peter just cried harder at this familiar little joke. He was hurting too much to allow himself to be consoled. Loki put his arms round the boy and hugged him close.

“Sshh. It’s ok, I’ve got you. You’re ok, even if you think otherwise. You’re here, and you’re safe”

Peter clung to him despite himself. Maybe he just knew he was being silly. 

-

Loki let go of him when Tony came into the room with a couple of mugs of tea. He took Peter’s mug from him and passed it to the boy.

“Here. Tea. It’ll make you feel better” he said. “You’ve got a sports drink there, don’t forget, and some biscuits, for your sugars” 

Peter took the tea reluctantly. Loki stood up and started fiddling with the DVD player. Tony set Loki’s mug down and sat down beside Peter.

“You’re no better than you were ten minutes ago. What’s up?” 

“What do you think?! You’re always taking everything away from me! I just wanna go out for an hour and you won’t even let me do that. You’re ruining my life!”

“Oh for gods sake Peter, you really need to-”

“Oi, stop arguing” Loki said, standing up and pushing in between the two of them. “Tony, shut up. Peter, drink your tea”

Tony looked at the telly, and raised an eyebrow. “Bagpuss? Really?”

“Oh what, have you got a better idea?” Loki snapped. “I don’t see you helping”

“He won’t let me help! He’s barely letting you help!”

“Do you wanna know what isn’t helping? Starting an argument when he’s already so distressed” 

Tony stood up and stalked out. Loki shook his head and gave Peter a squeeze.

“Ignore him. Keep drinking your tea. Watch your video” 

Peter drank his tea. He was still crying, but not so much. Once he’d finished his tea, he flopped against the arm of the sofa, keeping his eyes on the telly. 

“I’m cold...”

Loki found him a teddy to hold, and wrapped him up in the big quilted blanket. He knelt down in front of the sofa.

“You’re allowed to talk to me, you know” he said, wiping the tears from the boys face.

“You wouldn’t understand”

“Try me”

Peter just stayed quiet. He was just starting to calm down. He didn’t need to start all over again. Loki sighed and kissed him on the nose. He stood up and retrieved his tea, and then sat down beside Peter. 

“I’ll be here if you change your mind”

-

Peter sat up.

“Do you think I might be bipolar?”

Loki glanced at him.

“It’s more like BPD, if anything at all”

“Isn’t that what you’ve got?”

“Peter, you’re scaremongering yourself. You’re just upset. It doesn’t really mean anything more than that”

“So it might just be the PTSD?”

“Maybe? Sweetheart, please, we don’t really need to be having this conversation. Being upset doesn’t mean you’re bipolar. I think you just need to rest and look after yourself. You’ll feel better if you make the effort”

“How do you know?”

“Experience”

-

Peter fell asleep for a few hours. He ended up giving in and letting Loki take care of him. He was fed and watered and he had a bath and got changed, and while he still felt empty inside, he felt much better. They went through to the kitchen and found Tony.

“I need to go out”

Tony sighed heavily. “Not this again”

“I need to go and see May”

Tony’s expression changed. He looked at Loki, and then back at Peter.

“Oh. Why didn’t you say?”

“You were so cross with me”

Tony sighed again. “Go and get your shoes on. We’ll all go”

“Can we stop at the florists first?”

“Of course”

-

Peter couldn’t shake the wobbly horrible feeling. He spent ages trying to choose in the florist, and Tony got impatient with him. Loki and the florist were very good about it though. Once they were back in the car on the way to the cemetery, Peter started to feel bad all over again.

-

Peter knelt in front of the grave. 

“She’ll be a skeleton by now, won’t she?”

No one answered him. He read the gold lettering on the headstone, and set the bouquet of flowers down on the grave. He looked at the flowers, and at all the old trinkets and cards and candles. He stared at everything, and tried hard to remember her. But nothing was coming to mind. He squeezed his eyes shut, and he could just about hear her voice - but that was it. 

He didn’t get it. He had a lifetime of memories stored away somewhere, but where? He needed to think of something. Just one memory, one good memory, that was all he wanted. He tried to think of the things he knew they’d done together. She’d helped him before that disastrous school dance. She’d taken him on day trips. She’d been a big part of the Stark household on many occasions. He knew all of this, but for some reason, he couldn’t summon the memories. Something had to be wrong with him. He thought about Loki, just to test that theory - and his mind was filled with little clips of Loki reading to him, grabbing his collar to stop him from walking over the end of the pier, holding his hands and guiding him with a knife, teaching him how to make rhubarb crumble... He didn’t get it. He tried to think of May again, but he couldn’t conjure up the same kind of little video. And he hated it. 

“Peter?” Tony said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you ok?”

Peter stood up quickly, turning to them. He looked at them, mouth open, shaking his head.

“No. No, I’m not ok, and it’s all because of you!” 

“What? Peter-”

“No! Don’t touch me! This isn’t fair! This isn’t fair.. She should never have died. None of this should ever have happened! I can’t stand this!”

“Peter, sweetheart, I know” Tony said. “I know it’s not fair. But it was an accident, you know that. There was nothing anyone could have done”

“Then why did I survive?! Why aren’t I buried there instead?! What if I’d stayed in the kitchen? I could’ve saved her - or died with her. It’s not right. Do you even know how much I miss her? She should’ve come home with us that night. She should’ve been next to me in the car, don’t you see?! We could’ve all four of us been together, that’s how it should be!”

“I know, I know. But you can’t blame yourself. You can’t blame yourself and start throwing what ifs and shoulds around. What’s done is done. We can’t change the past”

Peter knuckled his eyes. He felt sick. 

“You both loved her. I know I didn’t know about the sex thing until after she died, but I always knew you two loved her. I saw you messing about and hugging and kissing her face and stuff, and I liked it. I was happy! I want things to go back to how they were!” he sobbed. “I’m gonna end up forgetting her and it’s not fair, she deserved so much more than this!”

Tony tried to hug him, but he wouldn’t let him.

“I can’t do this any more! I want to be with her. I wish I was dead!”

“Don’t say that!” Tony grabbed him by the shoulders. “Don’t you ever say that!”

“Well why not?! It’s true!”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Yes, it is! How would you know?!”

“Because I’ve been there! You don’t really mean it”

Peter pushed his hands away. “I liked it back when there was four of us, and you were all like my parents. I liked it when we were round at yours, and I liked it when you came round to the flat and made it seem so much bigger, and we had so much fun and we were all happy! I didn’t even mind it when I got sent to bed before you went home, cos I just laid in bed and listened to the sound of you all talking and laughing together before I fell asleep, and it felt so warm and happy and good. Why did it have to stop?! I want to go back! I want to be back in the every Wednesday and every second weekend arrangement. I want May back! I want my old life back! I’m so fed up of all this! I don’t wanna be a stupid little private school kid who can’t even speak at school! I want to be me again!”

“You are you! You’re just a different you” Tony said. “People reinvent themselves constantly. Look, I know it’s horrible. We still miss her too. We were happy when there were four of us too. But there isn’t now. It’s just me, and you, and Loki. We’re all you’ve got, kiddo. You’re going to have to accept that”

“Well I wish you weren’t! You’re ruining my life! May would never’ve taken everything away from me like you have! Sure, she freaked out a bit when she found out I was Spiderman, but she never tried to take the suit away, or lock me in the house, or have a go at me for having fun with my friends. She never tried to be something she wasn’t either. I hate you! You’re a sorry excuse for a father!”

Tony just sighed. “I get it, you’re upset, so you’re trying to upset me to make yourself feel better. But I’m sorry to say, kiddo, it doesn’t work like that. You can scream and shout all you want; it won’t change a thing. We’re looking after you. We’re your parents now, and we’re trying our best”

“Well your best isn’t good enough!”

“We’re not perfect” Loki said. “Neither was May. But we love you, and we want what’s best for you. And I know it’s really hard to see things from our point of view when you’re hurting this much”

Peter felt weak. He fell to his knees and covered his face with his hands. He felt sick and horrible. He looked at the grave out of the corner of his eye, and he just felt even worse. 

“Peter” Tony said gently. “It’s starting to rain. We should go”

“I don’t want to! I want to stay here” Peter cried. “You can go if you want. I’ll come back later”

“I don’t think it’s safe to leave you alone when you’re like this, especially not outside. Sweetheart, you need to come home with us now”

Peter didn’t move. He stayed as he was, feeling the rain beating down against his back. It had got very heavy very quickly. He became aware of someone kneeling down by him, and he glanced up.

“I know” Loki said. “I really do. But believe me, staying here anguishing and getting soaked won’t make you feel any better”

“D-do you remember when we all went to the seaside? And you and May were messing about on the pier singing The Blackpool Belle?”

“You nearly fell off the pier” Loki remembered. “We had to grab you, and you dropped your ice cream, so Tony bought you one with two flakes to make up for it”

Peter started crying all over again, and he held his arms out. Loki hugged him, and slowly stood up, lifting him into his arms as he did so.

"You sang as well, even though you didn’t know the words very well at all” Loki said as they started back towards the car. “You definitely knew all the words by the end of the day though”

“I don’t think I can do this any more...”

“Yes you can. You can do this” Loki said. “You’re the strongest out of all of us”

-

Peter kept hold of Loki’s arms as he was set down on the back seat.

“Can you stay with me?”

“If you’d like. Here, move into the middle”

Peter did as he was asked. Loki climbed into the car beside him, strapping both of them in. He put an arm round the boys shoulders, and the boy cuddled against him, closing his eyes.

Halfway home, Peter broke the silence.

“I’ve been thinking” he said thickly. “Were you and May in love? I think you might’ve been”

Loki was quiet for a moment, and then he smiled and gave the boy a squeeze.

“I think we might’ve been too”

-

Peter seemed a little better when they got home. Tony sat him down at the breakfast bar with a colouring book and set of coloured pencils, and Loki made him a big mug of tea. Tony leant against the kitchen unit, scrolling through his tablet. Loki watched them both for a while, and then took a risk and put the music player on. Peter seemed to freeze a little for a second or two, but he relaxed quickly, and Loki rather fancied he could see the memory playing in the boys head. It wasn’t long before Peter started, quite unintentionally, singing quietly under his breath.

“I remember - very well. All the happy gang aboard the Blackpool Belle. I remember them pals of mine, when I ride the Blackpool line. And the songs we sang together on the Blackpool Belle”

-

Tony sat down beside Loki later that day after Peter had gone to bed.

“Hello darling” Loki said, not looking up. 

Tony read his book over his shoulder for a moment or two. 

“Hey, Lolly? I think we need to talk”

Loki paused. He closed his book and set it down on the arm of the sofa. 

“What, about Peter?”

“Yeah. I don’t think he’s coping”

“No” Loki agreed. “We both know he’s been very volatile ever since we lost May. He just feels some things so intensely. And we both know what that’s like”

“I just feel so helpless around him. He doesn’t like me right now”

“Yes, and we know why, don’t we?”

“I’m not giving him back the suit”

“Tony” Loki took hold of his hand. “He’s a mixed up little creature, and I think the reason he’s having these tantrums is because he hasn’t got any other outlet. Tony... Tony, remember when we first became friends? What was my situation?”

“I don’t know what you mean” Tony lied.

“Don’t lie to me. I know that you know. I was stuck in that flat day after day after day. I could only get out rarely, and only with my brother. I played up and did stupid things. Sound familiar?”

“Hey, you were just as cross as I was at the party” Tony said, pulling his hand back.

“Yes, but it was embarrassing, and it reflected badly on us - you, especially. That doesn’t mean I agree with the grounding. He didn’t get hurt on purpose”

“Are you forgetting the fact that he nearly died?”

“No, but you know as well as I do that that was a reaction to medication, and not as a result of his injuries” Loki stopped, and sighed heavily. “I know his injuries were bad. He’s still looking pretty torn up under his top. But it was an accident, we know that”

“We don’t need to let him fight crime. We’re supposed to keep him safe. He’ll be fine once he’s accepted it. Plus, you’ve always been really good at calming him down”

Loki sighed again. “Peter’s more similar to me than either of us care to think. You can calm both of us down with tea and blankets and hugs, and listening to The Houghton Weavers, or watching The Clangers, or whatever. But that doesn’t mean it’ll always work. Think about when I was in hospital. Things weren’t quite so effective back then, were they?”

“Don’t” Tony looked away. “I hate thinking about that time”

“That was an accident too” Loki pointed out. “We’ve had quite a few of those”

Tony glanced back at Loki, and pulled him close. “I love you too much to let you get hurt again. I just want to keep my family safe”

“So do I, but we’re going about it the wrong way”

“...He’s not even healed yet. They said the ribs take six weeks, and it’s only been about three. We shouldn’t even be talking about this until he’s ready. I’m surprised he even managed his little swimming play-about at the party”

“I don’t think he’s in so much pain anymore. They also said the ribs usually stop hurting after two weeks”

“You saw the state of the suit”

Loki pulled back. “I’m not in a position to dictate the suit. I just think we should lift the grounding. Even just letting him go down to the corner shop to grab a pint of milk will do him good. I think he needs to know that we trust him”

“I don’t want him to get hurt”

“You can’t wrap people in cotton wool and expect them not to get smothered”

Tony sighed and rested his forehead against Loki’s chest. “What do you think May would do if she were here?”

“Tell you not to be a prick and then probably knock our heads together”

Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “Ok, I can see that... Look, I don’t really believe in heaven, but if it was a thing, and she was watching, what would she think?”

“... Do you remember when we took Peter out for a walk that evening, and that guy on a BMX crashed into him and he sprained his wrist and hit his head on the curb? We both felt dreadful, didn’t we? Even though it was out of our control”

Tony nodded slowly. “It just came out of nowhere...”

“When we told May... She hugged us and she didn’t care that we hadn’t been able to stop it: she just thanked us for taking care of him and getting him the proper help. She knew we did our best”

Tony looked up. “She’d know, wouldn’t she? If she could see us, she’d know we were doing our best... wouldn’t she?”

Loki nodded, and smiled sadly. “She knew we always wanted the best for him”

“I miss her...” Tony swallowed hard, closing his eyes. “I just felt so, sick. I really thought it’d be someone else, but it was her, and I just... I couldn’t process it. But I just remember walking back down that corridor feeling like nothing was real, and wondering how the hell I could look after him on my own. The look on his face when we had to tell him...”

“But you didn’t have to do it alone”

“No... Not all of it... Oh Loki, how could you walk out on him like that?”

“We’ve been through this before” Loki said. “I’d hurt him enough as it was, and myself. I had to go. I went with good intentions”

“...I still don’t know what I’m doing. I never expected to be a dad. And all those parenting books are about toddlers, not teenagers. I don’t know. It’s just so hard sometimes” 

Loki put his arms round him. “You can’t just focus on the bad stuff. You know it’s not always hard. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, he’s a fairly easy kiddie to deal with”

“When did you start being so positive?” Tony grumbled. “This is rubbish”

“Well yes, but what else did you expect? Tony, you know how health works. You know about downfalls and relapses and little sicknesses that pop up out of nowhere. You know how fast things u-turn in this house”

Tony pulled back. “I just want him to be happy”

“He is, mostly. We both know you can hurt and be happy at the same time” 

Tony put his arms round Loki’s neck, kissed the apple of his cheek, and hugged him tight.

“I’m so glad I’m not doing this without you”

“You’d manage without me. Even when you’re arguing, you’re still his favourite” 

“I don’t know about that” Tony kissed Loki’s neck gently. “Just promise me something”

“What?”

“Don’t go off on another sabbatical any time soon”

*

[damnedphoenix]

You know what I could really use right now?

The cliché

A big strong man, probably around 6'5" with a healthy/athletic build. Doesn't need to be "sculpted" but 'brick shithouse' vibes are a definite bonus. A soothingly deep voice, and tall enough to make 5'10" me feel short in a good way. Also born around '86-'85 is prefered. Weirdly in my fantasies, he doesn't have features. So I've definitly never met them before. And the hair style and color changes.

Impossibly and pathetically thirsty of me as im the way way polar opposite. But as the trope goes, he's gonna come across me and my pathetic situation. Oh woe.

But he's going to get to know and befriend me, get past my trust issues and not be like everyone else who trows me away if they're bored or used me and got what they wanted, or if I'm depressed or just be me, and eventually his fiery little best friend and roommate gets involved and becomes a friend too.

Eventually he offers me a place to live in a cabin overlooking a lake and just down the hill from his own house, and a "money is no issue" life.

Which sounds very gold digging and disgustingly greedy, but hear me out. It is a fantasy after all.

He wants to offer me a safe place to live as Im very likely gonna lose my home and family when I come out as trans. And he thinks i could grow into a great person if i just had a chance to recover from being burnt out on life, so he wants to support me.

A safe place to live surrounded by only supportive people and a positive atmosphere in a most fantastical script. Rent free and groceries and utilities included. And I could choose where my disability income goes, be it gifting it to them or exploring an interest. No pressure. If I needed a lot of dental work, bam, they'll help me get my ideal mouth. If i wanted implanted contacts to boost my self esteem and feel a bit of freedom, they're there for me. They would be completely supportive. I could hole up in the cabin alone with my pets, or hang out with them in the pool/gym building and build healthier habbits. They'll invite me over for dinner or a get together or a party. I'll be accepted no matter who i am that day, i wouldn't be judged for having a bad day. If it took me a year or 10 to get unpacked, they'd be supportive and maybe he will lend a hand now n then. But i wouldn't be made to feel broken for struggling with executive dysfunctions. And maybe if im having a bad time and take a week long stoner bender, they'd come smoking with me or bring some @c!d and have a great time together.

It would be a safe place to learn who i am and what i want to be. A place to nurture who i really am and the roller coaster of ADHD fixations, and an impossibly patient place to figure out my BPD and neurospicyness. A safe place to nuture growth to be a better person. And maybe when ive transitioned into a male, turns out he's gay. We start to get close and ye wants to be with me. He makes me feel like I matter and finds someway that I might actually be able to feel loved. And we can discover what makes eachother tick and have an amazing life together.

.

I've been plagued by this fantastcal idea that someone could want me ever since a weird surge of hormones over a month ago. Its fantastical and too much to hope for. Especially cause im just a gross PoS and I don't deserve something so good. I could never be a fraction of the person that man would deserve.

Instead, im where i deserve to be. A male stuck in a female body, living with really transphobic, homophobic Christian parents and most of family. And i can't afford to go anywhere, plus i really don't want to leave the trees and quiet from the trailer in the back yard. Living in town is so..so...crowded, always there kinda pesence. Not sure if it would be a safer place as no matter what, at my parents or in town. My living situation, my sense of home is dependent on someone elses opinion relative to current circumstances.

I could lose my current home for being trans, i could lose my future apartment for refusing the poison being forced upon the population.

Needless to say, im stressed and Im begging the universe to allow me a reprieve to recover from my burnout on life,

that i know I don't deserve

[saturnx23]

1. How did you find out about BPD?

I noticed it on TikTok then I found a book in a thrift store where it mentions how the author dealt with BPD.

2. How long have you been diagnosed?

May 2021

3. What age do you think you started having BPD symptoms?

Probably between the ages 12-14 years

4. Do you have other mental illness? Does BPD complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way?

Yes I have complex PTSD. I guess it can, really depends on the situation.

5. What do you do to deal with anger?

I may do a lot of raging for a bit or if I’m feeling civilised I will usually vent to someone or also do something self sabotaging.

6. What do you do to deal with depression?

I usually just ride it out until it comes back honestly.

7. What do you do to deal with anxiety?

My therapists would suggest to do something self soothing but I usually might just what TV or play a video game, keep myself occupied.

8. What do your mood swings look and feel like?

A lot of exhausting anger, thinking turning randomly into anxiety. It’s just exhausting in general and dramatic.

9. If you experience dissociation, what is it like for you personally?

A lot of the time I find myself believing nothing is real. Sometimes I’ll also notice a certain day and go ‘wtf happened?’ And literally just realise I haven’t been mentally present for the last 21 and a half years. I’ve had a lot of suicide attempts in the belief nothing is real and I’m literally trying to escape this endless simulation.

10. Are you more of a quiet borderline, classic borderline, or somewhere in between the middle? If your in the middle what traits do you have of quiet and classic BPD? I do have traits of both. I tend to shout when I’m upset, I will mask and completely shutdown, internalise every emotion, I feel like I people please without expressing how i really feel 99% if the time, there’s probably more but yeah.

11. Do you believe in the four types of bpd? If so, are you more of a discourage, impulsive, petulant or self-destructive?

This can be a hard one because I’ve always assumed self-destructive but I have noticed myself to be frustrated literally over any minor inconvenience with petulant.

12. Were you ever misdiagnosed? If so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? How did that affect your treatment?

No I haven’t been misdiagnosed as far as I know, my psych originally thought I just had PTSD but thought it was obvious to diagnose me with CPTSD, that’s all I got there and there’s not a lot of difference in treatment so far.

13. Do you have an fp? If so, how do you cope having such a strong, influential relationship?

I don’t remember ever having a fp but I do remember getting into relationships and I found them SO insane. For how I coped with them I’m not too sure but there was a lot of crying and feeling the need to please and making them stay.

14. How many times have you been hospitalised? If you have been hospitalised, what was it like and did it help you in any way?

About 8 times as far as I can remember, the first time when I was 18, it was okay, I found it helpful. The second time I took an OD and I really just wanted to go home and they really wanted to admit me into psych. Sometimes I found it scary other times I just literally wanted to leave because I hated it there. Sometimes I’ve noticed it helped when you wanted help. I have found it helpful sometimes other times it just made everything worse.

15. What is your advise to someone who is considering hospitalisation or is about to be hospitalised.

Do whatever you think is best, especially if you want the help. Seek, keep asking for tips and to keep learning about coping skills. If its an involuntary admission, all I can say is don’t fight it, sometimes we need help when we don’t think so.

16. Have you ever been in residential treatment? If so, what was it like and did it help?

Yes I have stayed in a facility 2 times for 2 weeks each. I did find it helpful as it was like a break from my own home. Took sometime for me to do some activities that help, such as art therapy, reading and makeup. It’s best as described as like a house with recovery workers and other residents who literally treat you like family, treat you with respect. The best part is probably the recovery workers because you can wake them up if you wake up if your struggling to sleep or if you had a nightmare.

17. What is you advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment?

Attend the group meeting, the psychoeducative group sessions, literally anything from affirmations to grounding.

18. What is you advise to someone who just has been diagnose with bpd?

Be straight forward I guess, ask for help if you need it, talk to someone, anyone. Do consider the treatment options, medications don’t necessarily work but some do for stressful times. Look into DBT, get a referral into that therapy. I’ve heard its done wonders for people, I’m not sure as I haven’t started yet. I’m not even sure if I’ll like it but doesn’t hurt to try.

19. Who do you look up to that influences you personality/way of thinking? What personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them?

Ah I really don’t know ngl there’s probably a bit of Shane Dawson in there who I took on a quirky once upon a time and it just kinder never left even after he died on the internet. There was this festival I was at the lead singer of my favourite bad gave a speech and at the time it was kinda inspiring even though everyone hated it. (Ronnie Radke, Falling In Reverse)

20. Who did you look up to when you were young (real or fiction)?

I remember there was a lot of Demi Lovato when I was 12 years old can’t remember much else lmao.

21. How have you changed since you were first diagnosed?

I mean I haven’t changed that much, I guess I just became self aware and stopped attempting to die because it just seems impossible if you try too hard.

22. What are somethings related to your bpd that you still want to work on?

Probably communication, DBT skills, healthy coping mechanisms, managing anger

23. Does bpd cause your opinions on things to change a lot.

It can because my view is constantly changing between what right and what’s wrong or even how I should be responding.

24. How are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood?

Kind of neutral at the minute. I am currently watching Futurama and its entertaining.

25. Do you have any friends with bpd? If so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who don’t have bpd?

I don’t think I do :/

26. Favourite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood?

Serotonin - Call Me Karizma, Holy Water - The Funeral Portrait, Six Feet Under - Silent Theory, Dancing With The Devil - Demi Lovato

27. What do you do to get yourself through a breakdown?

Listen to music, scroll through TikTok I guess, or i might talk it out.

28. What are your top 3 healthy coping skills?

Writing, pets, talking to people I trust

29. Do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, or poetry, ect?

I write poetry entries or random writings with what I’m feeling.

30. Are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone.

I will probably tend to isolate more than have company.

31. Are you more the type to over share too much personal information or keep too much to yourself a secret in fear of abandonment?

I do over share a lot of the time lmao.

32. Does bpd affect your appearance?

I have impulsively dyed and cut my hair a lot of times, I recently shaved my head I’m like a new person its insane.

33. What keeps you alive?

Probably my dog tbh

34. How open are you about having bpd?

Yeah i am pretty open about it around friends.

35. When starting a new relationship, when do you think is usually the right time to tell them you have bpd?

I haven’t had the opportunity and I am severely frightened I may scare them off but yeah.

36. Do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person with bpd?

Dead Walk - RedHook, Doomed - Reliqa, Not Human - Young Medicine, Paranoia - A Day To Remember, This is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

37. Were you more of an innocent child or a trouble maker growing up?

I feel like pretty innocent

38. Are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet?

I can only think of DBT skills

39. Are you currently in recovery? If so, how is that going for you?

Remembering your in recovery can be exhausting because no one knows when it will end. But I like talking to my psych or well I used to (she got a new job and I’m not specifically paying for her myself), might get a bit rocky soon since I’m getting a new psych.

40. What keeps you motivated?

Memes

41. Does the bpd stigma affect you in anyway? If so, how?

I am assumed to be manipulative, attention seeking and it just makes me feel like shit.

42. Name five qualities you like about yourself.

Ah alcohol, reading, creativity, sleep, organisation

43. Do you journal? If so does that help you cope?

It can sometimes

44. Do you use any bpd or dbt apps?

No, didn’t really know they existed.

45. List some of your favourite bpd blogs.

@bpd-iary @borderlineprettymuchdying @recaption @error-dxrkness @mentalwordvomit

✨ Bpd Asks ✨

1. How did you find out about bpd?

2. How long have you been diagnosed?

3. What age do you think you started having bpd symptoms?

4. Do you have other mental illnesses? Does bpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way?

5. What do you do to deal with anger?

6. What do you do to deal with depression?

7. What do you do to deal with anxiety?

8. What do your mood swings look and feel like?

9. If you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally?

10. Are you more of a quiet borderline, classic borderline, or somewhere in the middle? If you’re in the middle, what traits do you have of quiet and classic bpd?

11. Do you believe in the 4 types of bpd? If so, are you more of a discouraged, impulsive, petulant, or self-destructive borderline?

12. Were you ever misdiagnosed? If so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? How did that affect your treatment?

13. Do you have an fp? If so, how do you cope with having such a strong, influential relationship?

14. How many times have you been hospitalized? If you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way?

15. What is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized?

16. Have you ever been in residential treatment? If so, what was it like and did it help?

17. What is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment?

18. What is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with bpd?

19. Who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? What personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them?

20. Who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)?

21. How have you changed since you were first diagnosed? (Be proud of yourself, you’ve come a long way and I’m proud of you 💖)

22. What are some things related to your bpd that you still want to work on?

23. Does bpd cause your opinions on things to change a lot?

24. How are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood?

25. Do you have any friends with bpd? If so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have bpd?

26. Favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood?

27. What do you do to get yourself through a break down?

28. What are your top 3 healthy coping skills?

29. Do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc?

30. Are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone?

31. Are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection?

32. Does bpd affect your appearance? For example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently?

33. What keeps you alive?

34. How open are you about having bpd?

35. When starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have bpd?

36. Do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has bpd?

37. Were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up?

38. Are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet?

39. Are you currently in recovery? If so, how is that going for you?

40. What keeps you motivated?

41. Does the bpd stigma affect you in any way? If so, how?

42. Name 5 qualities you like about yourself.

43. Do you journal? If so, does it help you cope?

44. Do you use any bpd/dbt related apps?

45. List some of your favorite bpd blogs.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I had my appointment with my clinical psychologist today and we were talking about my OCD and maybe going into like a specialised clinic or inpatient program just because of how much it’s affecting lately and how I’m not really ready to have the anti psychotic medication my psychiatrist gave me.

But we have also mentioned in the past how she thinks I might have OCPD and OCD but I’m honestly not too sure. I think if I did it would be sub clinical at most. I think my main traits of it are feeling rigid (like black and white thinking) trouble maintaining relationships my perfectionism with myself and problems with self identity. But also from my understanding those are major facets of my BPD in general so 🤷‍♀️ lol. I honestly don’t think I have OCPD. Just regular old OCD. and OCPD didn’t come up on the test I did anyway.

I guess I was just thinking because I got another anon asking if I was on the Autism spectrum and I fell down the hole of looking up similarities and cross overs and stuff. I mean I know I don’t have Autism because I got checked by my psychiatrist and it was a no. It’s pretty much as I said before where it’s just having a cross over with symptoms. But the whole special interests thing got me thinking. I was looking at some reddit posts where they said you get something similar with OCPD but the main difference between autism and ocd in that regard is the enjoyment factor. And I think that really hit me. Because I enjoy the things I get obsessed about/ hyper fixated on , obviously , and I mean I just have an addictive personality in general regardless of mental health issues. But I realised something. I think it also has to do with the anxiety and stress around it. I don’t know if this is actually a thing but I feel like in a way fictional escapism for me IS a compulsion or form of compulsion preventative. It’s what I do sometimes to help the thoughts. It’s not that I feel board or uninterested other things. It’s that I feel on edge or upset when not engaging with it. It’s the same thing as with my clothes and book buying/hoarding. I would get genuinely distressed not being able to get them sometimes because I thought something bad would happen. And why I struggle to get rid of them a lot too. And I know for sure that’s the ocd. So it’s made me thing my obsessions of my hyperfixations are the same. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all because my clinical psychologist has always said I’m rather atypical on the way I present things a lot. I don’t know I think I just had a bit of a revelation. Lol. I’ll need to bring it up with her next time I see her to see what she says.

But I also don’t know how much it could or not be linked with BPD because she says my BPD is really weird and in one sense subclincial but also not. I think the term is quiet BPD. Because I get like the body pains/tingles, the emptiness, the low level of tolerance, hyper attaching to people, mood swings. But it’s also very very internal for me and I don’t actually act upon what I feel and I don’t have the social impulsivity with relationships or the anger that comes along with it.

No wonder she keeps saying she doesn’t know what to do with me. I don’t know what to do with me. Having things intensely but being atypical about it is bleh.

ALSO mixing that with PTSD is so freaking hard because it’s like I go on the defensive so often , especially when I get triggered, and it’s makes it really hard to be logical and receptive to treatment because my brain starts going into flight mood because it starts convincing me I’m back in the situation where my personhood is being stripped from me.