#starting to really feel that upcoming appointment anxiety

[takemetodragonstone]

how do you explain to a doctor that like “yeah i’ve thought about killing myself at least once a month since i was fourteen and my anxiety puts me into an extended period of fight or flight every time i leave the house and i frequently engage in self destructive behaviors including various forms of self-harm” without them institutionalizing you

how do i say that in a way that says “it’s not that serious i’m not actually going to kill myself i’m used to these thoughts but i am dying. i am dying. please help me. but it’s not a big deal”

[another-lost-mc]

When MC Needs Surgery

Featuring: The Demon Brothers, the Dateables (most briefly/vaguely mentioned) + gn!Reader

Content/Warnings: Mentions of unspecified health problems, surgical procedures and medical devices. Relationships with the cast are intended to be platonic but may be interpreted as romantic in nature (friendship was the focus here rather than romance). Word count: 3.2k.

A/N: This is dedicated to surgery!anon who requested something for their upcoming surgery. Based on the vague details mentioned to me, I assumed there might be some overlap with my own experiences which is what this is loosely based on. I guess I wrote what I would've liked to have read before my own procedures. I hope this provides some comfort to you as well.

PRE-OP

Some of the demons might wonder why they can't just find some spell to fix what's wrong with you, because how tricky can human anatomy really be? But after Satan does some research and helps you explain to the others (in easy to understand terms while being sensitive of the private details you might not want to share), they realize that perhaps your medical care is best left to the professionals after all.

Lucifer, Diavolo and Barbatos handle the logistics of your care before and after your surgery. Details from your appointments with your medical team help them get a better idea of how long your recovery will be and where you should stay once you leave the human world hospital.

There is some disagreement about whether you should stay at the House of Lamentation or the Demon Lord's Castle. There are pros and cons about staying at the House of Lamentation.

Pros: all of the demon brothers are there to help you when you need assistance.

Cons: all of the demon brothers are there.

One of the concerns – and it's a reasonable one, if you ask anyone but the brothers themselves – is that they might be too demanding of your company in your condition or inconsiderate of your privacy, and possibly neglectful of your need to rest comfortably and quietly.

As the other alternative available to you, the Demon Lord's Castle has spacious rooms so that you'll be able to have everything you need. Your friends are welcome to come and go within reason, but their visitations will be limited to prevent you from being overwhelmed. Ultimately, the choice is left to you.

When you start attending your pre-op appointments, Lucifer goes with you if you don't ask one of the others to go in his place. He's one of the best choices despite his unfamiliarity with the medical ordeal you're about to go through. He quickly picks up on the details of your procedure and the types of support you'll need during your hospital stay and once you're discharged. He helps you prepare a list of questions and concerns for each appointment; the doctors and nurses can't brush your questions aside easily, not when Lucifer is there to ensure that the answers you're given meet his satisfaction.

Later on, Lucifer provides updates to his siblings and your other friends who are keeping tabs on these developments. It's best that they're all aware of what to expect and so that they can help you prepare for what's to come.

In the days leading up to your surgery, everyone does their best to ease your nerves but do a poor job of hiding their own anxieties. It doesn't really register as a real thing that's about to happen until you get notification that your surgery is only a couple days away, and suddenly it feels very, very real.

Lucifer prepares for your long-term absence from RAD and makes sure that any of your obligations – your clubs or student council duties or your part-time job – are dealt with. He buys anything and everything the doctors recommended for your recovery once you return home. If any modifications are required for your bedroom or private bathroom, he plans to have those completed during your hospital stay. (He's grateful your room is already on the first floor of the house, although he would've built one for you if he needed to.)

Mammon and Levi spend as much time with you as they can when they're not busy with other things they try to keep secret: Mammon's new job so he has extra money to buy you get-well presents (bigger and better than all his brothers) and the games and movies Levi has been ordering since he anticipates your recovery will be boring. What better way than to pass the time (hopefully with him?). Satan wanted to go to your appointments with you but he kept grumbling things like, if someone cuts you open, I'm going to cut them open. He's been focusing his efforts on researching which sorts of potions, elixirs or spells might help you recover faster and obtaining the materials he needs for them.

Asmo took you shopping (more than once) to pick up the items on your pre-op checklist of things to bring with you to the hospital: comfortable loose-fitting clothing, slippers, basic toiletries like your toothbrush. Everything he picked for you wouldn't fit in three overnight bags, let alone the single duffel bag you planned to take with you. He just put everything in your dresser and closet and insisted they'd be useful once you were discharged and allowed to come back home.

Beel was curious about your diet recommendations when you come home and he realized that the spicy Devildom foods you like are probably going to be too difficult for you to eat for the foreseeable future . He spoke to Lucifer and Barbatos about his concerns, and they plan to stock the fridge and pantry with all the recommended foods that would ease your recovery and reduce the risk of complications later. Beel took you out for dinner one evening, as a sort of last hurrah. He felt guilty that he didn't realize how serious this was and he admires you for being so brave about something he can't imagine going through himself. He offered to follow your post-surgery diet with you as a show of support because he doesn't want to be insensitive and eat all the delicious foods you won't be able to.

Belphie gets a bit irritated that his brothers take up so much of your time leading up to your surgery date. If you've been feeling tired or unwell leading up to your surgery, you put on a brave face for their sakes but he knows better. He can't take away your pain or discomfort, and he certainly can't fix you the way these human world doctors claim they can, but he can help you relax after a long day of appointments and preparations and pretending you're not as nervous as they all are. He can sense your anxiety rising as the date of your surgery draws near: you're not sleeping as well as you used to, tossing and turning into the late hours of the night and showing up to breakfast looking worse than you did the morning before. Fortunately, that's something he can help you with. He leads you to the attic to sleep and tries not dwell on how long it'll be before after your surgery when you'll be able to climb those steps again. He lulls you into a comfortable, dreamless sleep so that you can as much rest as possible leading up to the big day.

The evening before your surgery, the brothers are practically vibrating from nervousness. Everyone seems on edge and distracted. Asmo ruins his eye makeup from getting teary-eyed and he's especially clingy. Dinner is awkward when the brothers remember that you can't eat your regular diet anymore. You're limited to bland fluids in addition to the jug of prep you need to drink. You drink the powder mixed with ice-cold water and gulp it down – after the first pouch, you disappear into your bedroom. Eventually you come back and rinse and repeat, drinking and refilling that jug until its as empty as you are. (Beel was curious and drank a bit of it despite your warning that he probably shouldn't – his stomach made the strangest sounds the rest of the evening.)

When it's time for bed, you expect to collapse onto your mattress and toss and turn until your early-morning alarm goes off. What you don't expect is for Lucifer and his brothers to lead to you his room with the giant bed that happens to be big enough for all of them. The mood feels somber and you can tell they're as nervous as you are – even Cerberus spends the night in Lucifer's room, lifting his heads up once in a while to check on you while he keeps guard at the foot of the bed. It's the Devildom's most awkward cuddle pile, but eventually you fall asleep surrounded by seven very worried demons who can't manage to sleep themselves.

THE HOSPITAL

Your alarm goes off early that morning – far too early for your liking, but you're eager to get this entire thing over with. Most of the brothers are already awake and finalizing preparations to accompany you to the hospital. You have time for a quick shower and toss on a comfortable shirt, sweatpants and slip-on shoes – you don't need to look good where you're going, and you won't be wearing these clothes for very long.

The others arrive so Barbatos can summon a portal for everyone to take. Despite your many reminders, everyone insists they want to come and support you, including your friends from Purgatory Hall and Diavolo himself.

(What you suspect but don't know for certain is that Diavolo arranged for your care in the human world hospital you'll be staying at. There were concerns about visitor limits and securing the largest and best private room for your recovery, but a generous donation from the Hotel Corvo corporation helped ease some of those administrative hurdles.)

You're only allowed one support person to accompany you to the surgical unit, so the others grab coffee and pre-packaged muffins and slowly make their way down to the waiting area. Lucifer – or whoever you asked to accompany you instead – sits with you while you wait for your name to be called.

Time passes in a blur. You put on a starchy hospital gown and housecoat while you tuck your belongings into a plastic bag and carry it with you. The nurses direct you to a chair and go over the standard medical questions you've answered a million times before. You look away when the IV goes in, and on the other side of you, warm fingers squeeze your hand.

You're tired and nervous and there are too many thoughts racing through your mind, but you sit in silence while the clock ticks down. You shuffle awkwardly down a sterile hall with too-bright lights when it's finally time, and you hope the smile you shoot over your shoulder at your companion is convincing. (It's as unsteady as you both feel when you disappear with the nurse who leads you to the operating room.)

Maybe it's the exhaustion or the empty, upset stomach distracting you while you sit on a table and ignore the cool fingers and pinching sensation in your back while they prepare the epidural because you barely feel it. You lay on a narrow table with a blood pressure cuff on one arm and your IV in another, and when the medications quickly pull you into a dreamless sleep, you feel a last-minute sense of comfort knowing that your friends are waiting close by and they won't let anything bad happen to you.

While you're in the OR, your friends make themselves comfortable in the visitor's lounge and they wait for news. Four hours, six hours, eight hours later – none of them want to leave until they can see you're alive and well with their own eyes. You warned them all it would be a long and boring day and they insisted they wanted to come no matter what.

Some of them fidget in their seats and pace when their nerves get the best of them. Levi's handheld beeps and the buttons click noisily as he plays his game, and Satan tries to focus on a paperback he picked up in the gift shop. Mammon spends way too much money buying Nevada tickets from a vendor in the hospital lobby (“It's for charity, ain't it?!”) and rubs it in Lucifer's face when he actually wins something. Asmo frets with embarrassment when he sees the SCENT-RESTRICTED FACILITY poster on the wall and covers the scent of his expensive fragrance with a dampening charm to avoid upsetting the staff (and makes note to skip the heavily-scented body products for future visits). Belphie accompanies Beel to sample the cafeteria's food, multiple times.

Throughout the day, small groups take turns leaving the waiting room to grab fresh cups of coffee or sandwiches to snack on. Diavolo and Barbatos confirm with the hospital staff that your private room is ready with the special amenities they requested for you, including a cot that an overnight guest can sleep on. You chose your preferred companion in advance, and none of the others dared voice their petty disappointment that they weren't chosen instead. What matters most is that one of them is with you at all times to assist you in your weakened state (they called it protecting you, but you tried to reassure them without success that they were being too dramatic). The others are free to visit as much as they like, as long as you're comfortable with it of course.

It feels like eternity before news reaches your friends as your surgery ends, and then another update a couple hours later when you're moved from PACU to your hospital room. The nurses have already gotten you settled into your accommodations by the time the first visitors hesitantly step inside to see you. Despite the preparations and expectations and warnings, they're still not prepared for the machine humming and beeping at your side as it pumps various medications through your IV. There's a remote looped around the bed by your arm that lets you administer more pain medication through your epidural.

It's gotten late and the surgical ward is quiet except for the ambient sounds of nurses chatting quietly at their station or other machines beeping in nearby rooms. Against the standard-issue hospital linens and the thin gown you wear, you look more vulnerable than they've ever seen you, their perfectly imperfect human who’s gone through so much in such a short amount of time. Perhaps it's a good thing that you're overcome with exhaustion and only have fleeting memories of your friends' worried faces when they each came to see you before bidding you goodnight with a promise to come back in the morning. Some struggle to contain their emotions more than others, and there's a collective understanding between all of them that perhaps they've taken you for granted because they never want to see you like this again – not if they can prevent it.

Your nighttime companion sits at your bedside most of the night and watches over you in case you show signs of discomfort or pain. They pull the cord to alert the nurses when you wake up queasy and you request something for your upset stomach with your scratchy voice and dry throat. You can't eat or drink yet, but the nurse leaves a small plastic cup of ice chips at your bedside – it's enough to remove the cottony feeling from your tongue and throat, and you can sleep once more.

Your demon friends aren't familiar with modern medicine and none of them know what the bags of fluids hanging next to your bed are. RINGERS scrolls across the screen of the IV pump but it’s anyone’s guess what it means. All they know is that it seems to be important as it’s one of the last medications you stop taking before your IV is eventually removed. Tonight and throughout the days that will soon follow, the machine beeps loudly – and often – when the bag runs dry. They remember which button to hit to turn off the awful alarm so that the disturbance doesn't wake you while they wait for a nurse to come with a replacement.

RECOVERY

The first few days are some of the most challenging, but all of your friends are there to support you as much as they can. At least one of them is present when the surgeon and his residents make their early morning rounds. You can't bear to look at the staples and incisions hidden under the thick dressings that cover a large part of your lower belly, but the surgeon and nurses all claim that things look fantastic. You can't help but snort at the odd feedback, and Asmo reminds you that there's plenty of creams that can help with minimizing those scars later, if you want them. (He prefers you exactly the way you are, scars and all, but he keeps his opinion on that subject to himself.)

Your post-surgery diet is severely restricted until you're able to tolerate basic fluids again, and solid foods are introduced slowly too. Beel reads over your daily menu selection and glares at the abysmal tray of hospital food that is delivered to your room. He tastes some of the dishes and wonders how they can make something as simple as broth or cream of wheat so unappealing. Barbatos sips the lukewarm mug of tea on your tray that you ignore with each meal; you warn him that it's not good, and the pain in your stomach is worth it when you shake with laughter at the offended grimace that sours his expression. He promises to bring you drinkable tea from now on, and he and Beel both bring acceptable alternatives to your hospital fare in accordance with your current meal plan.

One of the most challenging things you didn't expect – and it catches your friends off-guard too – is how difficult it is to get up and walking again. After a few days in bed with the epidural numbing you to the worst of the pain and being mostly stationary aside from some breathing exercises, it's time to get up and take the literal first step towards your journey home.

Your friends scoff at the idea of a physiotherapist coming to help you, until they hear the first cry of pain when you sit up on the edge of the bed and breathe heavily like it's the most ardious feat you've ever accomplished. It's another reminder that this was a tremendous thing for your delicate human body to go through, and even though they can't just take away your pain or fix things magically (no matter how much some of them might want to), they'll do what they can to help.

They don't tease you when they slip your shoes onto your feet, and they don't stare or ask about the various bags of fluids hanging from the IV pole you lean on for support while you shuffle your way around the ward one lap at a time. They match your pace and are ready in a moment's notice to support you if you lose your balance, and as soon as they sense you're pushing yourself just a little too hard, they help you back into bed where you fall asleep not long after.

Things carry on that way until the surgeon announces tentative plans for your release. By now, you're bored out of your mind and eager to be anywhere but in that bloody hospital room. Your friends are eager to have you home again, and the air is charged with excitement for the first time since your surgery. Everything you need for your recovery at the House of Lamentation – medications and supplies and your diet plan and anything else you could possibly need – are ready for you.

On the day you're finally discharged, they help scan your room to make sure all of your personal items have been packed away for the trip home. One of them carries your duffel bag for you while a couple others carry boxes filled with the numerous gifts, cards, and vases of flowers that filled nearly every available space of your room. (The human world flowers have started to wilt, but the arrangements from the Devildom and the Celestial Realm, including the bouquet you received one day with a note signed only with “M”, are still blooming flawlessly as ever.)

[frvnkcastles]

Hi favorite! 

Frank x reader who has panic attacks every time she sees a needle in a ptsd response and frank knows this, she needs to take blood for a test and he goes with her and calms the panic attack and comforts her

TAKE MY HAND, YOU’LL BE FINE ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You’re terrified of needles, so when you have to get blood drawn, you need Frank more than ever.

Warnings: Needles, panic attack, feminine nicknames

Word count: 1.2k

Author’s note: Hope you like this anon! <3

Frank’s comforting hold on your hand was currently the only thing keeping you from absolutely losing your shit. The window of the car was rolled down so you could feel the cool breeze on your heated face, and your knee was bouncing up and down with a relentless pace. Despite Frank’s attempts to soothe you, you were so close to fully freaking out, and you weren’t sure he could pull you back from that dangerous edge.

You were regretting going to the emergency room terribly right now. You had gotten checked in for some dizziness and nausea, and the next thing you knew, the doctor had you signed up for a blood test — something you never, ever did. You had a zero tolerance for needles, and the idea of getting one inserted into your veins made you sick in the stomach and your knees weak.

But, with all love, Frank refused to let you risk it. You may not have been into needles, but he certainly wasn’t into your well-being being compromised. So, with reassuring promises that he’d be by your side the whole time, he had ushered you into the car a few days after your initial appointment and driven you to the lab.

”It’ll be over quickly, sweetheart. You’re my brave girl, you got this”, Frank started cheering you on once you were parked. In fact, the car had stopped minutes ago, but you weren’t able to get yourself on the move yet, your entire body stuck on the passenger seat.

With a sigh, not a frustrated one but a sympathetic one, Frank unbuckled himself and took the keys from the ignition before hopping out of the car and striding to your side. He opened the door and held out his hand for you, the look on his face full of encouragement, and with a shaky exhale, you interlocked your fingers with his thick ones and hopped out of the truck. You really didn’t want to do this, but the only thing getting you to act was the fact that you didn’t want to disappoint Frank. He believed in you so much, and he had driven all this way, so you refused to let him down.

He held your hand all the way to the waiting room where you sat down side by side, his alert eyes scanning the surroundings like he always did. There were only a few people, so you suspected you wouldn’t have to wait long, giving you only a little time to prepare yourself for the upcoming terror. As much as you wanted to be brave about it, you had no control over your reaction, and it annoyed you greatly. Frank understood, though.

”Hey, it’s gon’ be all right. I know you’re terrified, sweet girl, but in ten minutes we’re gonna be outta here. How ’bout I take you out for some pizza afterwards, huh?” he suggested, his eyes gentle as he looked at you, and with a faint smile, you nodded.

”That sounds nice”, you admitted, and with a grin, Frank pulled you in closer, his arm around your shoulders.

”Attagirl.”

Just like you had suspected, you were called in only minutes later, and with a gulp, you glanced at Frank. He gave you a look of complete faith and love, and you held onto that as you got up and pulled him behind you. Thankfully, the nurse didn’t protest when he walked in with you, and you clung onto Frank’s hand while you sat down on the chair with anxiety churning in your gut.

The nurse talked you through the process, promising that it was going to be quick, but you didn’t really take in any of what she told you. You were too preoccupied staring at the needle and the tubes that were going to be filled with your blood, and without warning, the panic kicked in.

Frank immediately noticed your shallow breaths and the way your eyes widened, and his heart shattered in his chest at the sight of you writhing in the chair. ”Give us a moment, yeah?” he asked the nurse, who kindly nodded and scooted her chair over to her desk to give you some space. Frank squatted down to be at your eye level, his hand finding a place to rest on your shoulder.

”Look at me, sweetheart. ’M right here. I promise you, it’s gonna be just a minute. All you gotta do is look at my face and squeeze my hand, aight? Squeeze it as hard as you can”, he comforted you, calm and collected as he talked you through the incoming panic attack. ”Easy, darlin’. Breathe with me”, he went on, staying close to you and locking eyes with you so that you’d have something to focus on.

You trembled, but with his help, you managed to fight off the panic, your breathing slowing down to normal. Your heart was still racing and your palms sweaty, but you chose to believe Frank — it was just going to be a brief moment, and he was right there with you through it.

”Okay”, you exhaled, ”I’m ready.”

The nurse rolled her chair back to you and praised you for being brave while opening the package of the needle. Frank noticed you staring at it again, and he quickly reacted. ”No, no, keep your eyes on me, sweetheart. Nothin’ else but my ugly mug”, he insisted, and a nervous chuckle slipped out of you.

”You’re not ugly, Frankie”, you argued back, but you still did as he had requested, and kept your eyes trained on him. You focused on his beaten nose, and when the needle pierced your skin, you took in a sharp breath and turned your attention to his deep, dark eyes. You saw the proud look in them, and it made you feel better. You looked at his lips next, convinced that he had earned the biggest kiss for when you’d be done.

”Doin’ so good, baby. Almost done”, Frank spoke with admiration, and as you trailed your eyes across the bruises all over his face, you were able to distract yourself from the needle.

The nurse finished, and while telling you that you had done well, she taped some cotton on your arm to stop the bleeding. You breathed out in relief, a tear escaping your eye as you realized you had survived the worst, and it put a smile on your face when you looked over to Frank.

”That’s my girl. Knew you could do it”, he commended you, leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

You said your goodbyes to the nurse and left the room, all the while applying pressure on your arm. Frank had a protective grip on your free hand, and when you made it outside, you finally felt like you could breathe.

”Thank you so much for being here. I really couldn’t have done it without you”, you reminded Frank, stopping him from walking just so you could reach up and kiss him. He happily responded, his nose brushing against yours as he kissed you back, passionate enough for heat to crawl up to your cheeks when you pulled away.

”Anytime, sweetheart”, he smiled, ”now, I’m pretty sure I promised you pizza.”

[somberjoon]

METANOIA [6]

✩ pairing: wolf hybrid nj x cheetah hybrid reader (f) - eventual ot7 x reader

✩ genre: soul-searching , romance🔞 , found-family , healing , angst , happy ending

✩ word count: 3.8k

✩ chapter warnings: uncertainty in behavior and emotions , anxiety , brief mention of weight and a regularly scheduled pap smear (i know these appointments can be uncomfortable to a certain extent so the section with this appointment is marked with * at the start and end)

✩ summary: She doesn't know. There is so much about her and her cheetah that she hasn't had the privilege to understand. Unknown backgrounds and unknown emotions clash with feelings of want- hopes of being herself unapologetically. Namjoon seems to be someone that can help her- but can the rest of his pack truly be what she has wanted and needed?

✩ cover: me

ch.1 , ch.2 , ch.3 , ch.4 , ch.5 , ch.6 , ch.7

✩ disclaimer: this is not proof read like my other chapters, nor does it have too much going on. I am in my last couple weeks of Winter term as a full time student, so I apologize, but the content is short and simple. I think this still had some sweet progress for Y/N and she's my baby so it's fine. Next week's and the upcoming updates will hopefully be longer and have more content,,,I have quite a long way to go for being 6 chapters in, so I apologize for that as well :[

Y/N

As Taehyung pays for breakfast, Y/N stands and checks her phone she forgot was on silent. She doesn’t like the abrupt sound, but she always forgets to turn the vibration on at the start of the day. 

Surprisingly, a message from Namjoon is at the top of the notifications. A message from almost an hour ago. 

‘Good morning, Y/N! I hope your day is going well. Checking in to see if Taehyung is with you?’ 

Just as she goes to type back a reply, her phone shows an incoming call from Namjoon. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I’m sorry to call, but I got worried that neither you or Taehyung were answering my messages. Is he with you?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I thought you would’ve known he was here. He just showed up at the house and we just got done going out to eat. Do you need to talk to him, I can get him for you.”

“No no, it’s fine. I’m just glad you both are okay- he didn’t let me know he was leaving this morning. Was breakfast good? I’d imagine he took you to that little diner?”

“He did! It was really good.”

“I’m glad you liked it. But, if you’re uncomfortable going out or with anything at all just let him know okay? I don’t want you to go out of your comfort zone if you’re not ready.” She smiles at the kind words, missing Namjoon greatly all of a sudden and wishing he was on the trip with them. 

“I’m okay, he’s been really sweet and-” she looks back to make sure Taehyung is still at the counter. “He offered to help me with my cheetah. He’s giving me advice.” She can’t help her giddy voice coming out to tell him. 

“I knew he’d bring it up sooner or later. My point stands though, if there’s something that makes you uncomfortable just let him know. Like I said before, he has more primal tendencies than the rest of us, so it’ll be great for you, but it may be too much at times.”

“I will let him know if it’s too much. He needs to go shopping as well, so if we don’t answer you that’s the reason.” She stops for a second but can’t stop a confession from pushing forward before the call is over. “I wish you were with us.” She tries not to cringe at the words, waiting anxiously for a reply. 

“I wish I was with you as well, it sounds fun!” A quiet sigh leaves her, her heart rate picking up a bit. “But, I’m glad you guys are spending time together. Let me know if you get tired of walking, I’ll come get you guys- I’ll let Tae know as well, okay?”

“Okay-” Taehyung walks back up to the table to show he’s done. “Taehyung just got back, we’re gonna go now.”

“Okay, be careful, please.”

“We will, byebye.” 

“Byebye.” Namjoon copies, leaving her with a giddy look on her face. She looks up at Taehyung to find his phone in her face. 

“We should share numbers now, too.” Taehyung says with that small pout on his face. 

-

Taehyung leads her to the place he wanted to shop. The small shop resides in a strip mall that is quite busy despite the early time on a weekday. It’s a pretty place that has shops lining each side of a street-sized walkway. The walkway is filled with pretty beds of trees and plants, and stringed lights above them cross back and forth. She truly loves how it looks, and would like to come back at night despite knowing that it would be far more busy then. She’d risk it just to see the lights lit up. 

The shop is a little place that carries art supplies Y/N has never seen. Whenever Taehyung stops to peruse a certain spot, she finds herself reaching out to touch the soft brushes or run her finger across the scratchy canvases. 

She doesn’t pay attention to exactly what he picks up because she doesn’t recognize anything anyways. Only one thing catches her attention over everything. Sticks of brightly colored material wrapped in paper sit perfectly in a package. There are many different ones in different packaging, but they all look relatively the same. She can’t help but look over the vast array of colors and the bright pigment of them. 

“Taehyung, what is this?” Taehyung stops looking at some other sticks that are only black to see what she’s searching for. 

“Oil pastels. You want them?”

“No. They’re just really pretty, what are they for?”

“Whatever you want,” he shrugs, grabbing the largest pack on the shelf with the most colors and setting them in his handheld basket. “They are soft and creamy, so the pigment and color on the outside is the true color once you use them, and they’re good for blending colors together.”

“I told you I didn’t want them, I just wanted to know.”

“Maybe I just wanted some.”

“Lying isn’t a good way to start our friendship.”

“Our friendship will live.” He says with a shrug, leaving her with an annoyed expression.

Taehyung walks off, going back to an aisle they had already been in to grab something she can’t immediately see. She follows him again, heading up to the register and finally seeing the extra pads of paper he grabbed in a few sizes. She knows that if she questioned it he wouldn’t budge on anything she suggested, so instead she gives him an irritated look that he can’t even see. It doesn’t last long, though. 

Taehyung takes his bag of supplies in one hand, and with the other he grabs her hand suddenly as he pulls her from the shop. She looks down to see his large hand wrapped with an assured grip around hers. 

“There’s lots of people now, I don’t want you to be too far from me.” He explains. She looks up to find he’s right. The crowd has grown larger despite the shop they were in being almost bare. 

“Okay.” Is all she can say. She’d rather be close enough to him to not get swept up in the crowd. Taehyung is the most familiar person around, so the skinship becomes the least of her worries. As he walks, many scents and looks from others give her an anxious feeling she’s still not used to. The familiar scent of Taehyung is lost despite her close proximity to him. She tightens her grip on his hand and uses her other hand to grasp at the lower part of his arm, using the closer proximity this causes to press her face close to his arm as well. The proximity calms her well enough to follow his lead closely and exit the strip mall quickly. 

“Are you okay?” He asks as soon as they’re in a more secluded area outside the strip mall. She pulls away now that they’re mostly alone. 

“Yeah, I’m just not used to being around that many people yet.” She keeps her grip on Taehyung’s arm despite him setting the bag at his feet and freeing his hands to rub at her upper arms. The soothing emotion is an abrupt change of intimacy that she’s never experienced from anyone but Maria. Regardless of the fact, she quickly finds the motion and contact soothing. Slowly, she calms her nerves and focuses her eyes on a worried Taehyung. 

“I’m good.” She says with a sigh. 

“Good.” Taehyung doesn’t stop the soothing motion even though she finally evens her breathing and feels at ease. The motion seems to be soothing Taehyung as well, loosening his shoulders with each passing second. 

“Are you tired?” He asks as well. 

“A little. But, only ‘cus you keep doing that.” She gestures with her head to his arms. 

“It calms me too.” Is the only explanation he gives before stopping to take out his phone and send a text to someone and waits for a reply. “Namjoon is coming to pick us up, I don’t want to make you walk anymore.” 

“I’m okay, Taehyung.”

“You’ll be more okay if you can rest now.”

He’s not wrong. 

“Fine.”

Namjoon doesn’t take long to arrive at all, sending Taehyung a text that has him starting towards the strip mall’s parking lot with her hand in his again. There’s barely any people, but she doesn’t go against the gesture anyways. 

They spot the familiar sleek, black car, finding Namjoon standing outside of it to lean on the driver’s side door. 

Looking at Namjoon after seeing him no more than a day before, she can’t help but feel as though she misses him more and more the more she sees him. His sleek black clothing is far different than what he normally wears. The new look causes her to stare at the details. The sleek pants that fit him perfectly hang just above a pair of shiny black shoes. And his matching black, button-up shirt fits him even better- the cuffs folded up a couple times to reveal tan skin and a silver watch. Her staring seems to go unnoticed before Taehyung gives her a little nudge. 

“What?” She asks, looking up at Namjoon as he smiles at her with quiet anticipation. He doesn’t answer verbally, but spreads his arms out wider for her to take the offer if she’d like. A hug. She immediately recognizes the soft Namjoon she knows, forgetting the fancy look to take in his scent and the appreciation of him actually being here. She lets go of Taehyung to jump into Namjoon’s arms. This time, she’s reaching up to put her arms around his shoulders. His arms envelope her immediately, adding to the warmth Taehyung instilled in her earlier. She searches for his scent unapologetically, sadly finding that there is barely any scent. 

“Why can’t I smell you?” She practically whines into the neck of his shirt. 

“I’m sorry, I had to go into the office today for a hybrid client, so my scent needed to be covered with natural perfumes.” 

“I hate it.” She draws a rumbling laugh out of him that has her insides turning. 

“Noted. Did you have fun?” He asks as she finally pulls away. A now empty handed Taehyung takes her spot, getting a peck from Namjoon that she turns away from to give them privacy. 

“I did.” She answers right as Taehyung pulls away as well. 

Looking at the two she suddenly feels extremely out of place. Her dress is never better than sweats and t-shirts, but they seem to have an array of clothes with different purposes. As she picks at the wrist of her long-sleeve shirt, she decides that clothes shopping is another addition to her list of to-do’s once she gets a job. 

“Ready to go home?” He asks as Taehyung slides into the backseat of the car. 

“Yeah.” She gives a placate smile, hoping to cheer herself up. She is tired anyways from the excursion. She can feel it in her eyes and the way her tail doesn’t tightly wrap around her waist anymore. 

“Let’s get the tired cubs home.” Namjoon brings his hand up to smooth down her hair and rub gently into her head. She instantly grows syrupy in feeling. His touch is always so comforting- that unused purr bubbles up again despite Namjoon only giving her the attention for a few seconds then directing her to the passenger front side of the car. He opens the door for her, even going as far as to make sure her head doesn’t hit the top of the car and leaning over her to buckle her in himself. Her cheeks heat at the extra gesture he’s never done before- her heart rate picking up again for the nth time today. She can’t stand being around them much longer if this is going to keep happening to her. 

“Thank you.” She says after he climbs in behind the wheel. She looks back to find Taehyung is already fast asleep, curled up in the seat rather than seated and seat-belted in. 

“He gets tired quickly, especially when he’s getting used to new routines.” Namjoon explains. “Are you too tired for a session today? Should I let the organization know?” 

“No.” She answers quickly enough to be embarrassed. “I like our time together, I don’t want to give it up. I just got anxious and Taehyung helped calm me down, but it was a little exhausting. I’ll be fine with a cat nap.” 

“A-ha! That was cute. Cat nap.” Namjoon actually giggles, despite how sophisticated he looks, making Y/N laugh with him. 

-

Namjoon

After dropping Y/N off at home, Namjoon makes it home with Taehyung curled up in the backseat. He easily lifts and carries the big cat in like a giant toddler- his legs wrapped around Namjoon’s waist and head tucked into his collar, while the bag of supplies dangles from his fingers locked under the cheetah’s thighs. Going up the stairs and kicking open their shared bedroom door, Namjoon deposits the still-sleeping cat onto the soft bed. Taehyung takes no time getting comfortable and knocking out fully again. 

After a shower and finishing some reports from the day’s office trip, Namjoon gets ready to leave for the organization when a call greets him instead. He answers without double-checking. 

“Hey, sweetie! I was checking to see if you were still planning on seeing Y/N today?” Unexpectedly, Maria is on the other side. 

“Oh hello. I was just getting ready to head over to the organization..why? Was something wrong?” A sinking in his gut greets him suddenly. 

“Oh, no no! Don’t worry. I just totally forgot that Y/N had one of her check-ups today, and-” Her voice lowers a few decibels. “Well, obviously we won’t be home for an hour or two, but she always gets a little down after her appointments. They’re just a vulnerable thing for her. So- today might not be the best.” Namjoon’s relief is sudden but doesn’t quell every anxious feeling. 

“Oh, that’s fine. Thank you for letting me know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you know when you dropped her off earlier- I was just so proud she got out of the house by herself without me suggesting it first- I totally spaced it.”

“No worries, I appreciate the heads up and I hope everything goes well.” He says with a genuine air. 

“Of course. Thank you for all you do, I know she really enjoys having you around.” Namjoon gives a bitter smile only he can see. “I’ll let you go, though. Thank you for dropping her off, again- I’ll have to make you something extra tomorrow.” He gives her a soft laugh. 

“No need, I’ll see you then, Maria.” 

“Bye-bye, sweetie.”

-

Y/N

The worst about sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office is the anticipation of what’s to come-

And the awful staring. 

Y/N can’t tell if it’s because she’s a cheetah hybrid, or if she just looks odd in general sitting there. Is she wearing the right clothes? She still has no idea. She always considers her comfort first, especially when her clothes never felt right when she had no choice. She still has yet to venture and try new styles but- she’s at the doctor and is most comfortable in her usual clothing. If the stares are for her cheetah ears and the unseen tail that wraps around herself underneath her clothes- she’ll have to just let them stare then. There’s nothing secret about her cheetah, she won’t let that happen to herself again. She’s tired of hiding it. 

As she overthinks about being in the waiting room, the nurse calls her name after only a short while. Maria gives her hand a quick squeeze before letting her go on her own. She prefers to do this alone, but having Maria there after and before is much easier. She’s comforting in a way she hasn’t placed intentionally yet. She’s just happy she has a safe person in these events. 

“How are you today?” The nurse asks. Y/N can only guess that she’s a bear hybrid based on her cute, little rounded ears that poke out of her slick backed hair. The bun is always immaculate, no hair seems to be out of place. 

“I’m okay.” She answers honestly. “How are you?” 

“Good, thank you. We’ll go to the usual room.” She leads Y/N with an extended arm, letting her go first. The room is in the farther pods of rooms that have the equipment necessary for the check-up. 

*

“Here we are, go ahead and place your bottoms and underwear into the privacy bag once you’re finished- and go ahead and just sit on the table with the robe on when you’re ready. The doctor will give you a few extra minutes to settle in.” She instructs with the same smile as usual. Y/N only gives her the usual nod. 

The uncomfortable paper robe is one of the worst feelings. She can’t help but think about the thin, worn-out clothing she’d wear for weeks at a time. The memories clash with the uncomfortable appointment about to take place. Trying to find a silver lining, all she can think is that ‘at least she’s able to get medical treatment’, ‘at least her hybrid genes allowed her to stay mostly unharmed with survival instincts, ‘at least this isn’t as bad as her first dentist appointment’. She allows a small ‘pfft��� of a laugh out at that memory. She hasn’t had someone poking around in her mouth since she was young- the dentist wasn’t gentle in his cleaning. Even though her teeth held up well only thanks to the fact of her cheetah, she still had four cavities that needed work done. She was so mad at the dentist for the discomfort she felt. She wouldn’t even talk to him- like little kids ‘hmph’ and ignore an adult. 

knock knock

“All set, Y/N?” The always sure-sounding doctor asks through a crack in the door. 

“Yes.” 

“Great, how are you today?” Her warm voice asks, immediately going over to the sink to wash her hands thoroughly. 

“I’m okay.” 

“That’s good. Do you have anything you’d like to talk about specifically today? Any concerns?” 

“No.” 

“Alrighty then. It’ll just be the usual check-up that you’re used to. Go ahead and stand for me, we can get your weight first.” She appreciates the effort the staff put in to making her and the other patients comfortable. Maria told her that usually, doctors make you check your weight in the main halls before coming into the rooms. But here, the scales are in the rooms. She is relieved by that fact.

“Great,” She marks down the weight on her paper. “You gained a few pounds since I last saw you, that’s great progress towards your goal. Has the recommended diet been going well?” 

“I think so. I eat whatever Maria makes and I have been eating more when I go out.” She answers honestly. 

“That’s good! Go ahead and sit back up on the table- have you tried anything new?” 

“Breakfast sausage. Strawberry syrup.”

“Ooh that sounds good.” She gives her, always sounding comforting. With another wash of her hands, she’s guiding Y/N’s legs like usual into the stirrups that sit on either side of the table. A pair of gloves are slipped on as she gives her the usual information. 

“I’m just going to take a look like normal. Have you gotten your period?” Y/N sadly tells her no. She always worries that there’s something wrong with her now that she’s been informed on why she has never gotten in. Being underweight is a large part of her problem, and is probably the main reason. 

“We can do an ultrasound today? It’s just imaging of the uterus. I can take a look on the spot and see if it could be any other reason. But, you’re gaining weight at a healthy rate so we could just wait and see if you’d like.”

“Does it…hurt?” She asks, unsure how they would do that. 

“Not at all, it’s nice and warm though.” She gives her a light, humming laugh. “We would just put some gel right here,” She hovers over her hand over her uterus, “then I take my little ‘wand’ and press it to the spot we’re looking for, the gel helps it, and then we get a look at your uterus to see if there’s any common reasonings for missed or irregular periods.”

She thinks about the process, already stressed with her legs in the air for too long and the cold air hitting her uncomfortably. 

“Can we do that next time?” 

“Of course! I’ll take a quick look and then you’ll be on your way.” 

For the most part, she blacks out every time she has these appointments. She slows her breathing and closes her eyes to think about literally anything else and before she knows it, it’s over. 

*

“Okay. Everything looks good. Are you sexually active at the moment?” 

“No.” She shakes her head as she awkwardly covers herself with the robe once the stirrups are moved for her. 

“I think it’d be a great idea to take one of the sexual health development classes we offer. They’re free and it’s just a one time class with information that I think would be great for you. There are hybrid-only classes for specific information on non-human traits.” 

She’s never thought about learning these things in a class. She always thought it’d be a learning process when she found someone she was comfortable with but- maybe this would be better. Maybe she could try something new on her own and learn more about herself that no one has offered her yet. 

“Okay, that sounds nice.”

“Perfect, go ahead and get dressed and I’ll grab the pamphlet for you.” She gives her another warm smile before leaving.

-

“This sounds great.” Maria unashamedly looks over the pamphlet once they’re back home. “Oh no,” She suddenly looks stumped. 

“What?”

“It’s on the weekend, I won’t be able to take you.”

“Oh,” she immediately deflates, but her want to do this is too great. “I can get there on my own. I can walk.”

“It’s up at the hospital, that is too far of a walk, plus you’d have to walk on the side of the highway- that’s not legal or safe.” They both think, apparently coming to the same conclusion because they look at each other with a look that Y/N tries to dismiss before even hearing the reasoning for. 

“I don’t think h-”

“I can see if Namjoon would have an idea.”

“I’m not his responsibility, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well I know Richard wouldn’t be able to take you when it’s only him and one other guy at the shop on the weekends. We’ll talk to Namjoon tomorrow.” 

“Mar-”

“We’ll make it work.” 

If this is the parental experience she missed out on she can’t even be mad about it. She knows Maria won’t bend on this, especially after she finally has something like this she’d like to do. 

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

Communicative Comfort

Summary - Part 8 in the Comfort series

Pairing - Dean Winchester x Reader, Reader x Sam (platonic)

Warnings - minor injuries, mentions of blood and cuts, brotherly angst, mentions of pregnancy

Word Count: 1833

Series Masterlist | Masterlist

A/N - G’day guys, I just wanna start by thanking you for all the likes, reblogs and follows since my last post, I really appreciate it. I hope you like this one too. And remember my inbox is always open for requests or even if you just wanna chat. Until next week, enjoy! 

It’s been a long week since you and Dean went to the clinic and the nerves for your upcoming results appointment are starting to bubble over. You both just want confirmation on whether or not you really are expecting. You know in your mind that the symptoms can’t really be anything else, but your anxiety from a life of monster hunting among other things just won’t let you believe it until the blood tests prove it once and for all.

In the meantime, so as not to make Sam suspicious – although you knew he was the first to figure it all out, you hadn’t told Dean that, so Dean had continued to go on hunts that were close by. You helped out with researching the lore from the safety of the bunker. All while continuing with Dean’s strict baby-friendly diet that he’d researched and a comprehensive self-care routine consisting of long baths or showers to relax your muscles, midday naps, early nights, and sleep-ins and meditation if you felt yourself getting stressed. It all felt like overkill to you and you were missing your active lifestyle. But truthfully you had never felt more well-rested in your life – which only led to you having even more energy. As the days went on your morning sickness lessened, as did your mood swings. 

Your appointment is set for the following morning but it’s after 10 pm and Sam and Dean were yet to return from their salt and burn in Colorado Springs. You know it’s a long drive but that never stops you from feeling anxious. You much prefer being in the car with them than waiting in the bunker not knowing what’s happening. You had always been better at and preferred the fighting stage of fight, flight and freeze. But for the sake of the potential baby growing inside you, you continue to do your best to rest and keep your stress levels in check. 

An hour later, after you finally manage to doze off in the chair at the war table, the boys walk in noisily. You’re frustrated at the disruption for a second before letting that melt away to be replaced by pure relief that they’re home safe.

Dean rushes to you and hugs you before pulling you into his arms and carrying you to bed. You can’t help but groan out in pleasure when you stretch out your stiff muscles on the memory foam. You had been determined to stay up and wait for them to go to bed – although you had dozed off – but you had to admit those chairs really were uncomfortable. Dean took a quick shower before joining you as your big spoon. You fall back asleep quickly in his warm embrace.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

When you wake up the bed is cold and empty. It used to be a rare occurrence for Dean to wake before you, but ever since the suspicion of your pregnancy, it has become more common, with him wanting to cook you a healthy meal and let you sleep in. You check the time: 7:30. You decide to get up and get ready for your 10 am appointment. Once you’re happy with your hair and outfit, you go down the hall to the kitchen. You stop in your tracks just around the corner when you hear hushed shouting coming from the kitchen.

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about, Sam. She’s just not well. We’re going to the doctor today and we’ll figure it all out.”

“You’re smothering her. She’s not dying or anything, Dean! She’s … you know what it doesn’t matter what she is, you can’t keep smothering her like this. It’s borderline Stockholm Syndrome and domestic abuse.”

“She’s never said anything. It’s not abuse if she wants it. You don’t even know the whole story so just keep your opinions to yourself.”

“Alright, Christian Grey. So, if you hit her and she didn’t say anything that would be fine too? You know what it’s your future and relationship to screw up. I’m done trying to help the two of you!” 

After that statement, Sam storms out brushing past you in the hall. Your heart sinks; you hate being the reason for their fighting. Seconds later you hear a loud shatter from around the corner. You run into the room to see what happened and comfort Dean, but as you round the corner you feel a sharp pain in your foot. 

“Shit!” You call out as you stumble to the table for something to lean on. 

Dean’s at your side in seconds, lifting you into his arms and sitting you on the bench. He quickly checks out your feet, despite already knowing exactly what happened. He moves around the kitchen for the first-aid kit to clean up the cuts and remove the glass that is sticking out of the soles of your feet. As he cleans and bandages he mumbles out apologies for the pain he’s causing while caring for you as well as for being the reason you’re injured in the first place. Once your feet are glass-free and bandaged up he brings you the fruit salad he made you for breakfast before cleaning up the broken plate to ensure no one else gets hurt. Then he takes a seat beside you. You feed him a piece of watermelon from your fork hoping the gesture shows that you’re not mad and that you don’t blame him. 

Once he swallows the fruit he says, “am I smothering you? Or controlling you? I don’t mean to, I just want to do everything I can to make this easier for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and everything else you’re going to go through, and I just want to help out in any way I can. But if I’m too controlling...” 

“Dean, baby, look at me. I love you so much-”

“But?”

“There’s no but … just, well … I know you’re just trying to protect me and this potential little bean inside me. And I’m grateful, I really am. I have never felt more relaxed or well-rested in my life. However, I am starting to feel a little restless and I’m missing some of my favourite foods. I’m used to an active lifestyle and eating and drinking what I want. Now I’m not saying I want a pot of coffee or a bottle of whisky or anything, but I’ve read a small glass of coffee or wine occasionally is safe … or even just soda. And I can’t keep living on rabbit food and sleeping all day. I need to be able to find a way to still enjoy life while bringing life into this world or it’s going to be a very long nine months.” 

“But everything was making you so sick. I just wanted to help you feel better and it seemed to be working.”

“It is. And as I said, I am so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I just … can I have my boyfriend back? Ever since you proposed … ever since you found out that I may be pregnant you’ve become my carer. And while I appreciate it, I need love and support. More than baked goods, juice cleanses and bath bombs I need support, Dean … I need hugs and kisses and to feel your hands on my belly as it grows.”

“But you said you wanted to wait for the results to even talk more about the possibility. Every time I’ve tried to bring up the baby since that first test you’ve shut me down. And you’re right, we don’t even know for sure yet. So, until we do I just didn’t know what else to do, so I guess I went back to treating it like an illness or a stomach bug.”

“I want nothing more than to get excited about this but I’m terrified of getting attached … of letting myself believe this is real. Part of me still feels like I’m in a dream world concocted by a Djinn or something. I’m scared if I let myself believe or get attached then I’ll lose it and I don’t think I could handle that. But that’s exactly why I need support. I need you to hug me and tell me it’s gonna be okay.”

Lost for words, Dean opts to stand up and wrap you in his arms and kiss you instead. His hand drifts down to your belly and rests there. You stay like this until your alarm goes off signalling it’s time to start heading to the clinic. You pull away to silence the alarm, but before Dean lets you out of his embrace he says, “we’ll know for sure very soon. But no matter what, we’ll get through it together, okay?”

You just nod as you stand up; shooting and throbbing instantly back in your foot as you put your weight on your injuries. Dean swiftly lifts you up and places you back on the stool. 

“Let’s get you some comfy shoes so you can walk in the clinic. But at least let me carry you around the Bunker. I did do this to you after all.”

“You didn’t do it. I stupidly rushed in barefoot after hearing a shatter. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were worried about me, believe me, I know the feeling and the signs by now. All I’ve ever done since I met you is worry about you. And no matter how hard I, you or Sam try, that’s something that will never change. We do it for each other on hunts especially and even just in life. And that’s part of the reason I don’t want you coming on the hunts with us, even for the trip. I’m worried that you’ll do something risky to save me, and I can’t bear the thought of being the reason you get hurt or lose our little miracle.”

“But I can’t do this without you either.”

“If you had to, you could. You’ll be a great mother. But I have no plans of making you do this alone. I want to do this with you, but I also need to be around to help Sam until he’s ready to stop hunting and even just to make this world a safer place for our little one.”

“I know. Anyway, come on, we’re gonna be late for the appointment. We can talk more in the car.”

Dean nods and rushes out of the room to grab you a pair of your soft, fluffy socks for extra padding along with your boots. When he returns he kneels down and helps you put them on before carrying you out to his beloved car and setting you down on the front passenger seat. He closes your door and rounds the car, getting in the driver’s seat himself and revving up the engine, peeling out of the garage and onto the road towards town. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Tag list: (Leave a like or comment on this post or let me know below if you want to be added to the tag list for this series)

@bitchwitch1981, @muhahaha303, @justrealizedimmascifygurl, @mcdowell-123, @leigh70, @marvelsmarauder, @losa12308, @tapedeck-hearts, @luvjaida,

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session #2. Taking what i sent to PT after the session.

ET-emdr therapist

PT-primary therapist

When I went in, ET asked how the last 3 weeks had been and I said "a shit show" which she laughed but then asked more about. I briefly touched on some medical stuff I'm dealing with and then some stuff with my animals stressing me out.

ET asked if we could talk more about the relationship with my mom since we started to touch on it last time. That relationship and dynamics was already really activated because of the session I had with PT a few days prior where it came up (+ an upcoming visit with mom). I said how the compassionate response in childhood probably would have been that my needs were different than my sisters versus the response and narrative I got of youre needy, dependent, too much and the accompanying shame. ET asked what it would have felt like to hear that as a child or even how it felt now to say and hear that. I said it felt like a vice around my body, restriction and tightness and the freeze.

I talked about how the self hatred really goes back to infancy. Not in a cognitive way, but that when I look at baby pictures of myself as a baby all I feel is disgust and judgement, mainly "I've always been ugly" and watching videos of myself as a young toddler/child (my mom videoed our childhood and then it was something we watched a lot too) how annoying I was, too much, how bad my anxiety was even at a really young age etc. I know these narratives come from my mom, she makes these comments constantly. Its sad and pathetic though. I think of the babies in the NICU or at work now, even the most difficult, exhausting toddlers, and can never fathom feeling this way about them, yet I cant disconnect these feelings when it comes to myself.

We talked about my therapy history with K, P, L and my current therapist PT and those relationships. ET was saying how I needed the relational and attachment work and how K ended up reinacting my mom. When I argued that I shouldn't need it now, and need to do it for myself, ET said the young wounded child part of me needs it and that the adult me wants to be able to do it for myself and by myself, like to find safety in my body and in myself versus through relationships and others, particularly in therapy. She asked about talking to that part directly, which was really challenging and she validated that most of me couldn't hear it because of the protective parts. ET said she isn't trying to get rid of those protective parts, just wants to work with them directly.

The biggest theme of the session was my disorganized attachment, starting with my mom. With the lens of parts work, she talked a lot about how strong my protective parts are, that im a "super well protected" system. Im able to conceptulize it, but the freeze, shame and other shields come up immediately when trying to feel it in my body or apply it to myself from an empathetic view. She talked about the shame as the "monster within". 

In terms of how I was in the appointment, it felt different than last time in that I was able to be a bit more open with what I was thinking and experiencing in response to her. She is heavy on psychoeducation, which is fine and I do appreciate and find interesting, but I was more open about what I was able to hear or accept and what I wasn't. I struggled more this appointment with talking and my voice and the freeze, in different ways than last time. At one point I was completely collapsed and curled up and was shame spiraling. ET had to go to the bathroom anyway so we used that as a break and it helped in that I was able to uncurl a bit once I was alone for a minute. 

ET does a lot of bringing attention to my body and how im experiencing things, which is newer for me in therapy and is where I really struggle, dropping out of the cognitive intellectualizing and into my body and somatic experience of things.

If we view it from this lens then I think the struggle with the fact that not only do ET and PT see the child part that's struggling but theyre compassionate towards it and trying to work with it, when Im only working against it. thats what I've been told and taught to do from the time I was that child. So it makes sense that I feel like PT treats me like a child or as weak because they are seeing and working with a different part of me.

Its hard enough to intelluctalize it this way, but when I try to experience and feel it somatically, its impossible. ET would talk about ways that doing EMDR can help get there, which was triggering a lot of shame in the moment of how Im not even able to try it or do it, because all we did was talk and I could answer questions and intelluctually talk about things, but when it came to doing anything physical or active, i tried a few times but could not do it. She said that we were still doing EMDR because we are doing the first steps of history taking and resourcing and talked about how sometimes EMDR ends up very "front loaded" with the work and other times it's more back loaded and that its more than just the reprocessing work. Which I know and understand on a cognitive level, but can't get myself to feel it as OK in my body or in the moment when im spiraling feeling like I'm failing (EMDR, therapy, myself..) and weak and stupid.

We did also talk about the hopelessness being much more present than the maybe 5% of me that has hope things could be fundamentally different. ET frames it as state change versus trait change.

[glittertomb]

(There’s a fun exercise for expelling negative energy in bold font at the bottom if you don’t have the time or energy to read all of this)

I’ve been trying to live my life by the seasons more… such as shopping for seasonal crops, decorating my home festively, changing my altar with more regularity, following the moon and different celestial periods more carefully, celebrating holidays and practicing rituals instead of letting them pass me by, preparing myself and my space for upcoming changes, and fully immersing myself in different activities for the current weather… ✨so✨I decided to have a little Mabon celebration last night even though I’m in the middle of a chaotic move and torn between three places.

I spent all day methodically cleaning and preparing my new space, which was both coincidental and intentional because I’m unpacking boxes and cleansing myself of stuff I don’t need and organizing the things I do need in an aesthetically pleasing but functional way. And when I tuckered myself out I went into the backyard (yay, I finally have a yard 🥺🙏🏻) to commune with nature and eat wild apples while keeping an eye on my exploring housecat. Then I made an eggplant, cauliflower, bok choy, ginger, and green pepper stirfry to enjoy with my sister and her boyfriend (and he made onigiri which was so so tasty), and we drank witches brew and watched the live action One Piece and it was really cozy and cute. But now I’m getting to the part I’m really excited to tell you about! It starts out a bit sad but gets good, I promise.

I have a lot of old trauma that’s manifested itself in awful ways into my body such as chronic pain, chronic nausea, vagus nerve issues, and crippling anxiety, and all of this has recently culminated into the worst my health has ever been. Unfortunately, I was so deep in medical debt from surgeries, doctor appointments, medications, natural remedies, coping devices, therapy appointments, and disorder testing for almost 10 years (which sadly amounted to neither answers nor reprieve), that I couldn’t afford more care or to take time off so I could try to heal, so I was not only still suffering but feeling completely hopeless. On top of all of that, I just went through half a year of horror because I moved in with an old, dear friend who turned out to not be so dear as I thought and he was manipulative, moody, narcissistic, codependent, judgmental, filthy, and disrespectful of my boundaries, so my hair was falling out in clumps due to stress and I wasn’t taking care of my body because I was genuinely afraid to use the bathroom, kitchen, and other living spaces. This friendship loss was really discouraging because I’ve had to let go of both of my best friends this calendar year as well for reasons I don’t want to go into, but let’s just say that they were both habitually selfish, inconsiderate, and emotionally immature, so even though I love them and miss them terribly I had to move on. As if that were not enough, my job was taxing physically, mentally, and emotionally, and was not respecting my scheduling or disability boundaries, and because of staffing issues I felt obligated to work these ridiculous 12+ hour shifts because no one else could or would. All this to say that I felt like a broken-down, miserable, rotten, and weary version of myself and had lots of bitterness, hopelessness, negative energy, and old trappings to release myself from; so moving into a new space right at the change of the seasons would be a perfect time to do it!

What I decided to do when I went back home after dinner was write a list of things I wanted to expel, and I encourage you to do so as well! This can be bad habits, old mentalities, feelings of self-doubt, relationships that no longer serve you, just anything that’s holding you back from the life you want to live. I noted where I would experience sensations in my physical body as I wrote these things down (for example, as I was writing to you above about these friendships, I felt an ache in my chest and a burning sensation in my arms and throat), because that’s where the body is internalizing these feelings and where you’ll have to do extra work in the release process. Now it’s time for the fun part!

First, I played Shake it Off by Taylor Swift and danced, focusing on literally shaking off the old energy from parts of my body where I was experiencing negative physical sensations. I think this song is a great place to start because you can feel pretty silly doing this at first, but the whole vibe of this song is “who cares about looking silly and who cares about what the haters think”. I’m kinda my own biggest hater and have a ton of self doubt, so I actually had to go for a second round of this song until I started feeling comfortable enough, and hey, that’s okay!

Once I got into the grove, I played Dust Me Off by Tilly & the Wall and continued to dance, shake my body, and dust off all the sadness, fear, doubt, anger, hurt, and anxiety that I’ve been holding on to for so so so long. I’m allowed to forgive myself for old transgressions. I’m allowed to move on from ancient painful memories. I’m allowed to put down old habits, feelings, friendships, and places and open myself up to new ones!

Now that I was really releasing, it was time to get spiritual with Shake it Out by Florence Welch. I shook, I spun around, I flailed, until I cast off the “devil on [my] back” and let myself sway to the end of the song. It was cathartic, it was healing, it was soothing, it helped me work off that cookie I had after dinner, and afterwards I had a really wonderful sleep and woke up feeling more empowered to take on the day.

It was such a good exercise that I wanted to share it with everyone and I will definitely be revisiting it next time I’m feeling stagnated, overburdened, or depressed. I’m going to continue in the spirit of Mabon today with a little bit of tea, meditation, and maybe even decorating my altar with some early-autumn leaves, so don’t feel like it’s too late to try this just because Mabon was technically yesterday. 😊🍁🧡

And p.s. Feel free to message me other songs about shaking out the old or dusting off bad feelings. I’m inspired to make a playlist.

P.p.s. It’s in a little bit of a different vein but I just remembered Sweeping Spell by Faun Fables, which is about sweeping out old energies and cleaning up your home while you prepare for the dark season. 🧹🧹🧹

P.p.s.s. I first learned about releasing trauma through physical movement when reading The Body Keeps the Score, but that book is a bit tiresome and the author is a problematic old man, so I will post a list of better books to read on the subject soon 💜💜love yous and I hope you experience more peace after doing this!

[onedayatatime-please]

Wednesday, Aug 14th, 2024. 6:35 pm

I’m happy today. I went and ate lunch near the expressway and watched the cars go by. I listened to a lot of good music.

I had a moment in the morning where I was extremely nervous for my upcoming therapy appointment. I had to reschedule for a few hours earlier, and the fact that I would actually be doing this hit me all at once and it took me a while to calm down. I’ve been trying to think about it passively throughout the day so I get used to the idea, but each time I do I get nauseous. That kind of people-related anxiety isn’t at all unusual for me and I would not count it as a negative tally in my day.

I don’t think i had a single suicidal thought today. I feel confident and generally well minded. Today was a good day.

I am currently in a field of clover and I have a ice cold can of seltzer cause it is very hot out. There are many mosquitos and dragonflies and starlings. I wish I had brought bug spray, but a few mosquito bites won’t hurt me.

I am not dead yet, and I will do my best to keep it that way.

8:07 pm edit:

Ran into someone I was not expecting to. I grew up with him, best friends in the cradle kinda shit. We haven’t spoken in years and it’s my fault. I don’t know if it’s really my fault cause I had my reasons but I don’t know if they are good enough and god damn do I feel guilty. He just sorta stood and stared when he saw me and he didn’t hug me like his parents did. I feel nauseous and lightheaded. I don’t talk to anyone from my childhood anymore unless they are family and everytime I was the one to make that decision, but I didn’t tell them I had made it, I just stopped texting. I ghosted pretty much all of the people I spent the first decade of my life with. When it happened I was too young and wrapped up in my own mental and physical self preservation that I couldn’t think of any better way to do it and now I feel too guilty to even know how to reach out and apologize, or if it is even necessary to apologize. Or if any of them would actually care if I did.

The other part of it is that I don’t really feel the need or want to have a relationship with any of these people. Being with them would bring up too much shit. It’s this part of my life I’ve tried really really hard to put behind me. But I know I’ve hurt them and I feel terrible. I feel like a coward for being too scared to relive my guilt and trauma to heal relationships with them. I don’t know if that is a feeling based in reality or not. It’s 9:21 now and I’m still nauseous. I feel disassociated and I’ve started having full body ticks. If there weren’t people at my house I know I would go home and have a panic attack. I do not think i will get much sleep tonight as I will be on the couch. It makes me feel so much worse that I wish that I just could have not seen him at all. I wish that I was able to continue going though my day without being confronted by my guilt. I feel like I’m constantly running away from what I’m actually feeling and the actions of my past that have caused harm because the guilt I feel for those actions is so intense.

I don’t know what to fucking do. And I feel bad because now I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing this whole thing out. I shouldn’t be making this about myself.

My chest hurts very much and most of my current inner monologue is just imagining jumping in front of a car.

We used to be inseparable, and now we can barely hold a 30 second conversation and he looked like he wanted to bolt the whole time.

I think that I feel the need to inflict emotional and physical pain on myself to compensate for the guilt I feel. If I can hurt myself more then I’ve hurt other people then we’re even. Eye for an eye and all that. Whenever I feel guilty or embarrassed my first instinct is to slam my head against the wall or put the nearest knife into my leg. I can’t help but think it, picture it repeatedly in my minds eye. Sometimes my brain will even give me weird phantom pains to imitate the pain I would feel if I hurt myself the way I want to.

^^daily reminder of why I’m deciding to go back to therapy

I know that I’m freaking out rn because of PTSD alongside the guilt. Which again, bc of PTSD I don’t want to know any of these people. But I still feel guilty for breaking it off the way I did and then not rebuilding the relationship with them. “I don’t just feel one emotion, I feel two emotions” -John Mulaney

Fuck this started off as such a good day. New rule: no more saying it was a good day untill I’m in bed half asleep so probably no big emotion will happen after that.

I hate feeling this way. This is gonna sound so stupid but Jesus Christ I want my brain to be fucking normal I don’t want all of this bullshit I want things to be easy

I’m done for now, I need to go home.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

10:49 pm edit:

I’m so tired, but I’m in bed, so that’s fine. My sister has her two best friends over as a going away party before she moves to another country. I drank a bit even though I know I shouldn’t. It was only one glass of wine but I still gave into the craving because I was disassociated and panicked. My chest still hurts quite a bit. I want to self harm very much. I will not Self harm.

I am going to watch some YouTube and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll play some call of duty if I’m not too tired. Tomorrow I will wake up and take a shower and wash my face and brush my teeth. Im gonna make myself an egg sandwich for breakfast. I’m gonna have my therapy appointment and then hang out with my sister and cousins. I’m making dinner tomorrow night for the whole family, mom, dad, sister, aunt, cousins. I will make a lentil soup, a roasted chicken, and toast with pesto, tomato, and goat cheese on the side.

I like cooking very much. I can make something, and take care of people at the same time. I will not Self harm because I love the people who love me. And I love making them food.

I am not dead yet, and I will do my best to keep it that way.

[trans-religious]

First time I'd gotten all reverses in a reading and considered reshuffling (i hadn't cleansed my deck in a while too), but when I was about to I got that feeling of "no this is your answer "

And yeah, makes sense, tbh

I was asking about the fear and anxiety I've been dealing with, waiting for my upcoming doctor's appointment.

I've put pretty much everything on hold. Quit my job, even though I really don't have the savings to let me coast until I find another one. I haven't been writing or doing much of anything except trying to make myself just... not think. Because when I think about it, I get angry. I start crying. I want to punch and kick and scream and sleep. I'm sleeping more but don't feel rested when I wake up. Then I put off sleeping. No thinking. No thinking. Nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong if I don't think about it.

Everything after the day of my doctor's appointment feels like a void. I have no idea what comes next. It feels like I'm approaching a fork in the road, and it's too dark to see what either path holds. Only. I don't get to choose which path I take. I only get to choose how I deal with what answers I'm given.

There may be a possibility I'm dying, but I'm not dead yet. I need to stop acting like I already am.

But God it's so hard right now.

[asexualdiary]

Last night I had what can only be described as a bout of intense fear? I’m hesitant to say panic attack because there was no hyperventilating or even my heart beating fast, but just like the hand of fear had clutched my heart.

I am not an anxious person unless it comes to social anxiety or anything medical. It’s really out of character for me to not be able to calm myself down.

I started by freaking out about the lightsaber ultrasound and how it’s going to hurt. And then about the actual pain of giving birth. And then about my teeth??? Since I have a dentist’s appointment in July and I know I will probably have to get more fillings which I haaaate. And possibly something even worse, like a crown. I started telling myself that God is bigger than all this, but then I was like, we’re all bigger than those terrifying little needles that control your body’s physical state.

THEN!!! I started really asking myself the questions that I’ve been avoiding: DO I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW? I just got into a position where I’m making more money and am giving myself no time to enjoy it, and it’s also not a great time to be taking on more stress what with a) my dog dying and b) still getting used to my big girl job.

I know it’s what I’ve always wanted, but I’m scared of spending all this money above all. I was thinking though and that’s also how I felt about getting my house, and that has turned out fine. I know I want to do this at some point in my life, and I’ll be 27 in a week so I want to give my baby the best chance by doing it while I’m young and healthy.

Maybe here’s what I’ll do. I’ll take the process slow. Wait for the x-ray (God’s timing is perfect and my period didn’t line up.) Still do the ultrasound this upcoming week just to see if there’s anything wrong. Then give myself five to six months (December ish?) to really start IUI. In the time I can save more money and maybe go on a trip at some point. Possibly lose my dog and go through that grief…again, God’s timing is perfect.

I’ve been wanting to go to Disney above all else, but we just went last year and my dad won’t want to go again. And without him paying, my sister can’t go either, and I don’t want to have to pay for her. Most people I know aren’t in the best financial position to jet to Disney. (This is when it comes in handy to be coupled up. People feel obligated to do things with their ~partner~. ) But I guess I should remind myself that by having a kid, I will be having an 18 year companion, hopefully longer. Maybe a Disney trip can wait. But then, there’s the question of money…it goes round in circles.

[kimmysurveyblog]

44

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? My boyfriend bought me flowers. The reason was that he went out with our daughter while I had a phone therapy appointment. Reward for therapy? Lol.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? I'm like... sufficient? My mom taught me a bit. I cook every day so I'm not the worst at it. I like cooking spaghetti lmao. Making the sauce is just very fun and relaxing for me for some reason?

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? I think our washer broke. My boyfriend fixed it thanks to YouTube tutorials.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? I have a tiny bit of Chiari head pain.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? My boyfriend's mom is coming to watch Violet so we can have a little break. In the morning we're going for a hike with her. Sunday is usually just errands and going to the park.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? Tokyo. I've always wanted to go there.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? I don't know.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? I also don't know.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? Six hours because I was awake stressing. It was not enough.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? Mornings, before my boyfriend starts work at 10. We usually go to the playground with her (in the warm months) and it's very chill and nice to have a bit of family time before our days begin.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? ^ We did one of those. To two parks.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I am not tired. About 12 hours until that time.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? Every single day lately. :x

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? None.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? I don't really like steak.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Sweet. Maple syrup.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? No.

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? I had a sleeping pill addiction for welllll over a decade until marijuana was legalized in Canada. I quit that when I became pregnant and honestly, suffer quite a bit with insomnia some nights. Better than having a sleeping pill or weed dependency though.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Having a whole day ahead of me. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. The worst part about bedtime is my 983983 anxiety pees and struggling to fall asleep.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? I don't drink soft drinks usually. 21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? Sweatpants and a tshirt.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? I stopped during COVID and probably won't ever dye it again. Box dye.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? That time is over but I didn't mind wearing them. I still wear them in medical buildings.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? No.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? I made a cake for my daughter's birthday 2 months ago.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? No.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? Five. I do sometimes.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? My dog came from a breeder.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? No.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? We had McDonalds this week. It was fine.

[girlbossgirlblogger]

Someone teach me how to try...

I really can’t wait for everyone’s birthdays to be over so I can crawl back into my depression hole. Maybe that’s selfish and pathetic and dumb and overdramatic but I feel so much pressure on everyone’s birthdays to try my very hardest to be a normal human fucking being, which is very hard for me. I’m stressed over all these interviews. I don’t know how I live in all these extremes at the same time – I both wanna try so hard and be smart and good and hardworking while simultaneously want to not give a fuck and fuck society and be a lazy piece of shit who leaves capitalist standards alone. But I realize no one cares and that's on me for wallowing in my little self-pitying reflection on what I want from life. Either work hard and be good or shut the fuck up and be a lazy shit that’s gonna be judged and accept that. But my problem is I simultaneously live in extremes. I genuinely believe I’m bipolar sometimes and experience something called “mixed moods.” I don’t know, though. I really don’t. I keep getting drunk and making therapy and diagnostic appointments then getting sober and stressing and canceling them. I really want some help but don’t wanna deal with it because I’m scared. I act like I hate the help and care so much but deep down I just want someone to come in and force me to let them coddle me and care about me and force me to do what I need to do because sometimes I realize how much I really can’t live like this and need someone to be there but I know I will never let them. I have so much anxiety over so much dumb, inconsequential, upcoming shit that I need to let go. Deep down I know I need someone to lovingly care but all I can think about is I really just need someone to slap me and beat it into me that I don’t and that I need to man up and just deal with it. I hate to admit it but I just want to be normal so bad. I want to have normal thoughts and normal relationships and a normal life and a normal outlook and thinking. I know normal people have unnormal tendencies sometimes, but I really know now how fucked up my brain is and I just want it to stop but I don’t know how. I want to fix it. I really, really do – but I’m hurt and so much of a pussy when it comes to making the effort. I’ve tried so many times and then chickened out. I’ve canceled so many therapy appointments. I've drunkenly convinced myself so many times I’ll be honest with myself and others who care about and are my friends. But I can't. I really fucking can’t. And before I can, what I really need to figure out is how I can make myself try. I know once I commit to therapy or other shit that will make me feel better I’ll be okay because I’m such an analytical overthinker that I know I am capable of figuring out, but all I need to do is overcome that hurdle of forcing myself to start and to try. But that is so, so FUCKING hard for me. And I have no clue how to go about doing that. I didn’t realize how much of an overthinker I am until recently, at least compared to most “normal” people. I also realized how much of these overthinking thoughts are so crazy and fucked up and weird and genuinely embarsassing that I can't even force myself to write them down in a literally goddamn private Googel Doc. I want to be normal or relatively normally or just more normal so fucking bad. Sometimes I feel so strong and resilient and sometimes I feel so overdramatic and stupid but deep down I know neither are true and when it comes down to it I can keep neither of these up. I just want someone to beat me down and force me to fix everything. I worry about my capability to keep this up. I worry about what will happen to me. Will I fly off the deep end? Will I adhere to one extreme consistently? Or the other? Will I ignore both and adhere to nothing and be nothing? I don’t know, I really don’t fucking know. And I wish someone would enlighten me, but I know there’s no one there to do so until I let them and/or man up and do it myself.

[aparanoidelectrictoothbrush]

I think I need to get it into my head that doing self care things to ease my anxiety doesn't do much until I stop hating myself for being anxious. I have a dental thing tomorrow at a place that scares me so much I get nearly vomit inducing amounts of anxiety every time I go or think about it. Today I've managed to go most of the day feeling happy about the upcoming appointment, even excited, but while hanging out with my friends today a sense of dread and fear came over me and I haven't stopped shaking since. And I'll be honest, I am so fucking mad at myself for being scared. I was doing so well and now, with only like 20 hours until the appointment, I feel like the world is caving in on me - I feel weak, stupid, confused, and most of all, hopeless. Because I feel like I failed some imaginary task. 90% percent of my fear isnt even from fear of the appointment itself, its just hopelessness that spirals into further fear.

So I sat in bed with a burger and fries meal, a cup of tea too, and was like "eating this and watching youtube will help me" until my thoughts started saying "why am i doing all this just to ease my anxiety? am i really that far gone? do i really need this much just to shake off some fear? Will I ever really get better?" and i started getting even MORE scared because i was trying to ease my fear...and then i started thinking about this.

Idk how to end this so i guess ill just. say. theres too much shame in being scared of things. be scared, be afraid, be terrified, because thats a normal human feeling, and worrying about every bit of worry just gives you more worry to worry about

[ging3rbr3adh3ad]

Man I cant stop myself from being flabbergasted at just how worse it all continues to get and then shortly after something else is going on.

I literally cannot get to the doctor to get a fucking neuro referral because of one thing or another and I keep fucking up so my health is getting worse it seems by the day but I think im just exaggerating. I CANT go to the ER super late (questionable if at all on work days) because I NEED to keep my job, I am so happy and im finally completing my dream. I've already missed too many days since being hired I *absolutely* cannot miss any more unless it is an extremely serious emergency like a close family member dying or me being in the hospital for several days, things along those lines. But I've genuinely been trying so many various routes (and I've been trying to get past my debilitating phobia and anxiety attacks around immediate care medical centers but I havent been able to do it successfully sadly) and each time, EACH of the FEW times I was actually able to successfully find a dr/place and be able to book in to go, something magically moves or pops up right during when im supposed to be doing the appointment so I end up having to reschedule or cancel. I've avoided seeking care for so long and now that I want help I cant even get to physically see my/a doctor in person! And some fuckshits been going on at work which is nothing new at my company so thats stressing me out, and then today we get a past rent due for the month and if we don't pay in 3 days we are evicted. But my boyfriend has literally called 5 separate times since June 3rd to meet up with her to pay (because the app isn't set up yet 🙄 and they've owned the building for two months now.) And they. Wont. Answer. Or. Call. Back. So thats another SERIOUS thing on my fucking plate because he is currently between jobs trying really hard to find a new one so im the only one making money which is a struggle enough as it is without all this other shit added. This upcoming week genuinely feels like a hurricane coming from the distance towards me. The kids have been gone for 2 weeks for summer, so that's gonna be a big struggle to transition back, and then the two children who have the hardest time emotionally and socially (twins) also just moved into a new house so that will most likely add to potential behaviors. Not to mention my coteacher will be out of town all week so I have to be the main main teacher with a sub in who barely knows the kids or the classroom. And we have all the other center's kids starting after they closed their location, and I guess there is a LOT of behaviors and WE DONT HAVE OUR MHDB SPECIALIST AND THE COACH WILL BE GONE WE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE. I'm absolutely terrified of this upcoming week. I'm really worried it will have a serious effect on my health. I really really really am going to try so hard to go to the doctor to at the very least get access to a neurologist before Monday but God I do not know if I can do it. I feel so weak and pathetic, I've been telling my boyfriend over and over "oh im gonna go today" "oh im going after work" and then I cant do it. The anxiety attack is just to the level I cannot take it. I'm trying so hard and I dont know why it keeps getting worse, or how there keeps being ways for it to get more worse. I dread and fear and every synonym in English, what could potentially happen next.

[c0ff1nn]

i was talking abt this to someone earlier, but for the upcoming splatfest i was between zelda and link, but the more i thought abt it the more i really dont like botw zelda at least. her whole thing is that she’s independent and feels as if she can do something rather than relying on everyone else as a princess, but sometimes instead of coming off as trying to be useful she comes off as selfish. take the one scene where she actively pushes away link from being her knight bc she doesnt “need him” (even though he physically could not go anywhere else, given that he was literally appointed by the king). and the way she treated him like shit in general before she realized that he was actually important for the prophecy against ganon, especially the scene where he saves her from the yiga clan and she was all like “ugh i didnt need you to do that” like UGHHH she was just so annoying in every flashback and only started giving a shit about link when he revealed that he lowkey had anxiety about being a great knight and as a result of that kept his mouth shut bc he believed that he was only good for following orders

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

278 of 2023

Created by brelee

You've been really fatigued. You can't get enough sleep. You still struggle falling asleep though. You had a severe panic attack. Your anxiety has been really bad the past couple days. Your depression seems to be getting worse too. You don't want to change your meds but it looks like it's likely going to happen. You have 2 upcoming appointments. You have been reading to distract yourself. You've been trying to stay off social media. You've been using pinterest a lot though. You've been listening to your favorite songs on repeat. You've been cuddling with your pets. You are trying to reduce your caffeine intake. You have been stargazing when it wasn't cloudy. You have to make a phone call that is making you anxious. You need to talk to one of your doctors over a billing mistake and it's making you anxious. You're not a confrontational person. You assume everyone is angry with you. You feel like you need to cry but can't. Your eyes have been very dry and itchy. You have been breaking out in rashes/hives. You're way behind on house chores. You feel like throwing everything away and starting over. Your mind has been in a very weird place lately. Your intrusive thoughts are terrible. You've been feeling very insecure. You wish you could lose weight easily but it's near impossible. You're embarrassed by how many scars are on your body. You wear long sleeves even if it's hot outside. You cut some of your hair. You want to shave your head because you're so sick of having hair to maintain. You are expecting some packages to be delivered this week. You enjoy hearing all of the birds chirping so you've been keeping the window open. You haven't been eating as much. In the last few days, all you've eaten is junk food mostly. You've had ice cream. .. cake. .. pizza. .. cheese quesadilla. .. baked potato. .. squash. .. and chips. Your stomach has been giving you problems. You've had to take extra antacids. Tums make your GERD worse though. You've been getting random muscle aches. You think you've been sleeping in odd positions though. You roll around in bed a lot and can't stay asleep in just one position. You made a grocery list for the week. Food just doesn't sound good to you for some reason. You've mostly been wearing pajamas. You changed into yoga pants when you have left the house though. You wore a sweater even though it wasn't that cold outside. You've mostly been in oversized t-shirts. You can't find your beanie anywhere. You think you want to start wearing hats. You wish you had the money to get a whole new wardrobe. Your pets have been keeping you sane the past few days. .. and music. .. and reading. You love your partner but you feel like you really need some space. You're worried that your mind is going back to darker places again. It seems that almost everything has been very triggering to you. You just want to feel okay again. You wish your smiles have been genuine. You should be happy but you're not. You wish life wasn't so complicated.