#starting to really feel that upcoming appointment anxiety

[takemetodragonstone]

how do you explain to a doctor that like “yeah i’ve thought about killing myself at least once a month since i was fourteen and my anxiety puts me into an extended period of fight or flight every time i leave the house and i frequently engage in self destructive behaviors including various forms of self-harm” without them institutionalizing you

how do i say that in a way that says “it’s not that serious i’m not actually going to kill myself i’m used to these thoughts but i am dying. i am dying. please help me. but it’s not a big deal”

[another-lost-mc]

When MC Needs Surgery

Featuring: The Demon Brothers, the Dateables (most briefly/vaguely mentioned) + gn!Reader

Content/Warnings: Mentions of unspecified health problems, surgical procedures and medical devices. Relationships with the cast are intended to be platonic but may be interpreted as romantic in nature (friendship was the focus here rather than romance). Word count: 3.2k.

A/N: This is dedicated to surgery!anon who requested something for their upcoming surgery. Based on the vague details mentioned to me, I assumed there might be some overlap with my own experiences which is what this is loosely based on. I guess I wrote what I would've liked to have read before my own procedures. I hope this provides some comfort to you as well.

PRE-OP

Some of the demons might wonder why they can't just find some spell to fix what's wrong with you, because how tricky can human anatomy really be? But after Satan does some research and helps you explain to the others (in easy to understand terms while being sensitive of the private details you might not want to share), they realize that perhaps your medical care is best left to the professionals after all.

Lucifer, Diavolo and Barbatos handle the logistics of your care before and after your surgery. Details from your appointments with your medical team help them get a better idea of how long your recovery will be and where you should stay once you leave the human world hospital.

There is some disagreement about whether you should stay at the House of Lamentation or the Demon Lord's Castle. There are pros and cons about staying at the House of Lamentation.

Pros: all of the demon brothers are there to help you when you need assistance.

Cons: all of the demon brothers are there.

One of the concerns – and it's a reasonable one, if you ask anyone but the brothers themselves – is that they might be too demanding of your company in your condition or inconsiderate of your privacy, and possibly neglectful of your need to rest comfortably and quietly.

As the other alternative available to you, the Demon Lord's Castle has spacious rooms so that you'll be able to have everything you need. Your friends are welcome to come and go within reason, but their visitations will be limited to prevent you from being overwhelmed. Ultimately, the choice is left to you.

When you start attending your pre-op appointments, Lucifer goes with you if you don't ask one of the others to go in his place. He's one of the best choices despite his unfamiliarity with the medical ordeal you're about to go through. He quickly picks up on the details of your procedure and the types of support you'll need during your hospital stay and once you're discharged. He helps you prepare a list of questions and concerns for each appointment; the doctors and nurses can't brush your questions aside easily, not when Lucifer is there to ensure that the answers you're given meet his satisfaction.

Later on, Lucifer provides updates to his siblings and your other friends who are keeping tabs on these developments. It's best that they're all aware of what to expect and so that they can help you prepare for what's to come.

In the days leading up to your surgery, everyone does their best to ease your nerves but do a poor job of hiding their own anxieties. It doesn't really register as a real thing that's about to happen until you get notification that your surgery is only a couple days away, and suddenly it feels very, very real.

Lucifer prepares for your long-term absence from RAD and makes sure that any of your obligations – your clubs or student council duties or your part-time job – are dealt with. He buys anything and everything the doctors recommended for your recovery once you return home. If any modifications are required for your bedroom or private bathroom, he plans to have those completed during your hospital stay. (He's grateful your room is already on the first floor of the house, although he would've built one for you if he needed to.)

Mammon and Levi spend as much time with you as they can when they're not busy with other things they try to keep secret: Mammon's new job so he has extra money to buy you get-well presents (bigger and better than all his brothers) and the games and movies Levi has been ordering since he anticipates your recovery will be boring. What better way than to pass the time (hopefully with him?). Satan wanted to go to your appointments with you but he kept grumbling things like, if someone cuts you open, I'm going to cut them open. He's been focusing his efforts on researching which sorts of potions, elixirs or spells might help you recover faster and obtaining the materials he needs for them.

Asmo took you shopping (more than once) to pick up the items on your pre-op checklist of things to bring with you to the hospital: comfortable loose-fitting clothing, slippers, basic toiletries like your toothbrush. Everything he picked for you wouldn't fit in three overnight bags, let alone the single duffel bag you planned to take with you. He just put everything in your dresser and closet and insisted they'd be useful once you were discharged and allowed to come back home.

Beel was curious about your diet recommendations when you come home and he realized that the spicy Devildom foods you like are probably going to be too difficult for you to eat for the foreseeable future . He spoke to Lucifer and Barbatos about his concerns, and they plan to stock the fridge and pantry with all the recommended foods that would ease your recovery and reduce the risk of complications later. Beel took you out for dinner one evening, as a sort of last hurrah. He felt guilty that he didn't realize how serious this was and he admires you for being so brave about something he can't imagine going through himself. He offered to follow your post-surgery diet with you as a show of support because he doesn't want to be insensitive and eat all the delicious foods you won't be able to.

Belphie gets a bit irritated that his brothers take up so much of your time leading up to your surgery date. If you've been feeling tired or unwell leading up to your surgery, you put on a brave face for their sakes but he knows better. He can't take away your pain or discomfort, and he certainly can't fix you the way these human world doctors claim they can, but he can help you relax after a long day of appointments and preparations and pretending you're not as nervous as they all are. He can sense your anxiety rising as the date of your surgery draws near: you're not sleeping as well as you used to, tossing and turning into the late hours of the night and showing up to breakfast looking worse than you did the morning before. Fortunately, that's something he can help you with. He leads you to the attic to sleep and tries not dwell on how long it'll be before after your surgery when you'll be able to climb those steps again. He lulls you into a comfortable, dreamless sleep so that you can as much rest as possible leading up to the big day.

The evening before your surgery, the brothers are practically vibrating from nervousness. Everyone seems on edge and distracted. Asmo ruins his eye makeup from getting teary-eyed and he's especially clingy. Dinner is awkward when the brothers remember that you can't eat your regular diet anymore. You're limited to bland fluids in addition to the jug of prep you need to drink. You drink the powder mixed with ice-cold water and gulp it down – after the first pouch, you disappear into your bedroom. Eventually you come back and rinse and repeat, drinking and refilling that jug until its as empty as you are. (Beel was curious and drank a bit of it despite your warning that he probably shouldn't – his stomach made the strangest sounds the rest of the evening.)

When it's time for bed, you expect to collapse onto your mattress and toss and turn until your early-morning alarm goes off. What you don't expect is for Lucifer and his brothers to lead to you his room with the giant bed that happens to be big enough for all of them. The mood feels somber and you can tell they're as nervous as you are – even Cerberus spends the night in Lucifer's room, lifting his heads up once in a while to check on you while he keeps guard at the foot of the bed. It's the Devildom's most awkward cuddle pile, but eventually you fall asleep surrounded by seven very worried demons who can't manage to sleep themselves.

THE HOSPITAL

Your alarm goes off early that morning – far too early for your liking, but you're eager to get this entire thing over with. Most of the brothers are already awake and finalizing preparations to accompany you to the hospital. You have time for a quick shower and toss on a comfortable shirt, sweatpants and slip-on shoes – you don't need to look good where you're going, and you won't be wearing these clothes for very long.

The others arrive so Barbatos can summon a portal for everyone to take. Despite your many reminders, everyone insists they want to come and support you, including your friends from Purgatory Hall and Diavolo himself.

(What you suspect but don't know for certain is that Diavolo arranged for your care in the human world hospital you'll be staying at. There were concerns about visitor limits and securing the largest and best private room for your recovery, but a generous donation from the Hotel Corvo corporation helped ease some of those administrative hurdles.)

You're only allowed one support person to accompany you to the surgical unit, so the others grab coffee and pre-packaged muffins and slowly make their way down to the waiting area. Lucifer – or whoever you asked to accompany you instead – sits with you while you wait for your name to be called.

Time passes in a blur. You put on a starchy hospital gown and housecoat while you tuck your belongings into a plastic bag and carry it with you. The nurses direct you to a chair and go over the standard medical questions you've answered a million times before. You look away when the IV goes in, and on the other side of you, warm fingers squeeze your hand.

You're tired and nervous and there are too many thoughts racing through your mind, but you sit in silence while the clock ticks down. You shuffle awkwardly down a sterile hall with too-bright lights when it's finally time, and you hope the smile you shoot over your shoulder at your companion is convincing. (It's as unsteady as you both feel when you disappear with the nurse who leads you to the operating room.)

Maybe it's the exhaustion or the empty, upset stomach distracting you while you sit on a table and ignore the cool fingers and pinching sensation in your back while they prepare the epidural because you barely feel it. You lay on a narrow table with a blood pressure cuff on one arm and your IV in another, and when the medications quickly pull you into a dreamless sleep, you feel a last-minute sense of comfort knowing that your friends are waiting close by and they won't let anything bad happen to you.

While you're in the OR, your friends make themselves comfortable in the visitor's lounge and they wait for news. Four hours, six hours, eight hours later – none of them want to leave until they can see you're alive and well with their own eyes. You warned them all it would be a long and boring day and they insisted they wanted to come no matter what.

Some of them fidget in their seats and pace when their nerves get the best of them. Levi's handheld beeps and the buttons click noisily as he plays his game, and Satan tries to focus on a paperback he picked up in the gift shop. Mammon spends way too much money buying Nevada tickets from a vendor in the hospital lobby (“It's for charity, ain't it?!”) and rubs it in Lucifer's face when he actually wins something. Asmo frets with embarrassment when he sees the SCENT-RESTRICTED FACILITY poster on the wall and covers the scent of his expensive fragrance with a dampening charm to avoid upsetting the staff (and makes note to skip the heavily-scented body products for future visits). Belphie accompanies Beel to sample the cafeteria's food, multiple times.

Throughout the day, small groups take turns leaving the waiting room to grab fresh cups of coffee or sandwiches to snack on. Diavolo and Barbatos confirm with the hospital staff that your private room is ready with the special amenities they requested for you, including a cot that an overnight guest can sleep on. You chose your preferred companion in advance, and none of the others dared voice their petty disappointment that they weren't chosen instead. What matters most is that one of them is with you at all times to assist you in your weakened state (they called it protecting you, but you tried to reassure them without success that they were being too dramatic). The others are free to visit as much as they like, as long as you're comfortable with it of course.

It feels like eternity before news reaches your friends as your surgery ends, and then another update a couple hours later when you're moved from PACU to your hospital room. The nurses have already gotten you settled into your accommodations by the time the first visitors hesitantly step inside to see you. Despite the preparations and expectations and warnings, they're still not prepared for the machine humming and beeping at your side as it pumps various medications through your IV. There's a remote looped around the bed by your arm that lets you administer more pain medication through your epidural.

It's gotten late and the surgical ward is quiet except for the ambient sounds of nurses chatting quietly at their station or other machines beeping in nearby rooms. Against the standard-issue hospital linens and the thin gown you wear, you look more vulnerable than they've ever seen you, their perfectly imperfect human who’s gone through so much in such a short amount of time. Perhaps it's a good thing that you're overcome with exhaustion and only have fleeting memories of your friends' worried faces when they each came to see you before bidding you goodnight with a promise to come back in the morning. Some struggle to contain their emotions more than others, and there's a collective understanding between all of them that perhaps they've taken you for granted because they never want to see you like this again – not if they can prevent it.

Your nighttime companion sits at your bedside most of the night and watches over you in case you show signs of discomfort or pain. They pull the cord to alert the nurses when you wake up queasy and you request something for your upset stomach with your scratchy voice and dry throat. You can't eat or drink yet, but the nurse leaves a small plastic cup of ice chips at your bedside – it's enough to remove the cottony feeling from your tongue and throat, and you can sleep once more.

Your demon friends aren't familiar with modern medicine and none of them know what the bags of fluids hanging next to your bed are. RINGERS scrolls across the screen of the IV pump but it’s anyone’s guess what it means. All they know is that it seems to be important as it’s one of the last medications you stop taking before your IV is eventually removed. Tonight and throughout the days that will soon follow, the machine beeps loudly – and often – when the bag runs dry. They remember which button to hit to turn off the awful alarm so that the disturbance doesn't wake you while they wait for a nurse to come with a replacement.

RECOVERY

The first few days are some of the most challenging, but all of your friends are there to support you as much as they can. At least one of them is present when the surgeon and his residents make their early morning rounds. You can't bear to look at the staples and incisions hidden under the thick dressings that cover a large part of your lower belly, but the surgeon and nurses all claim that things look fantastic. You can't help but snort at the odd feedback, and Asmo reminds you that there's plenty of creams that can help with minimizing those scars later, if you want them. (He prefers you exactly the way you are, scars and all, but he keeps his opinion on that subject to himself.)

Your post-surgery diet is severely restricted until you're able to tolerate basic fluids again, and solid foods are introduced slowly too. Beel reads over your daily menu selection and glares at the abysmal tray of hospital food that is delivered to your room. He tastes some of the dishes and wonders how they can make something as simple as broth or cream of wheat so unappealing. Barbatos sips the lukewarm mug of tea on your tray that you ignore with each meal; you warn him that it's not good, and the pain in your stomach is worth it when you shake with laughter at the offended grimace that sours his expression. He promises to bring you drinkable tea from now on, and he and Beel both bring acceptable alternatives to your hospital fare in accordance with your current meal plan.

One of the most challenging things you didn't expect – and it catches your friends off-guard too – is how difficult it is to get up and walking again. After a few days in bed with the epidural numbing you to the worst of the pain and being mostly stationary aside from some breathing exercises, it's time to get up and take the literal first step towards your journey home.

Your friends scoff at the idea of a physiotherapist coming to help you, until they hear the first cry of pain when you sit up on the edge of the bed and breathe heavily like it's the most ardious feat you've ever accomplished. It's another reminder that this was a tremendous thing for your delicate human body to go through, and even though they can't just take away your pain or fix things magically (no matter how much some of them might want to), they'll do what they can to help.

They don't tease you when they slip your shoes onto your feet, and they don't stare or ask about the various bags of fluids hanging from the IV pole you lean on for support while you shuffle your way around the ward one lap at a time. They match your pace and are ready in a moment's notice to support you if you lose your balance, and as soon as they sense you're pushing yourself just a little too hard, they help you back into bed where you fall asleep not long after.

Things carry on that way until the surgeon announces tentative plans for your release. By now, you're bored out of your mind and eager to be anywhere but in that bloody hospital room. Your friends are eager to have you home again, and the air is charged with excitement for the first time since your surgery. Everything you need for your recovery at the House of Lamentation – medications and supplies and your diet plan and anything else you could possibly need – are ready for you.

On the day you're finally discharged, they help scan your room to make sure all of your personal items have been packed away for the trip home. One of them carries your duffel bag for you while a couple others carry boxes filled with the numerous gifts, cards, and vases of flowers that filled nearly every available space of your room. (The human world flowers have started to wilt, but the arrangements from the Devildom and the Celestial Realm, including the bouquet you received one day with a note signed only with “M”, are still blooming flawlessly as ever.)

[frvnkcastles]

Hi favorite! 

Frank x reader who has panic attacks every time she sees a needle in a ptsd response and frank knows this, she needs to take blood for a test and he goes with her and calms the panic attack and comforts her

TAKE MY HAND, YOU’LL BE FINE ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You’re terrified of needles, so when you have to get blood drawn, you need Frank more than ever.

Warnings: Needles, panic attack, feminine nicknames

Word count: 1.2k

Author’s note: Hope you like this anon! <3

Frank’s comforting hold on your hand was currently the only thing keeping you from absolutely losing your shit. The window of the car was rolled down so you could feel the cool breeze on your heated face, and your knee was bouncing up and down with a relentless pace. Despite Frank’s attempts to soothe you, you were so close to fully freaking out, and you weren’t sure he could pull you back from that dangerous edge.

You were regretting going to the emergency room terribly right now. You had gotten checked in for some dizziness and nausea, and the next thing you knew, the doctor had you signed up for a blood test — something you never, ever did. You had a zero tolerance for needles, and the idea of getting one inserted into your veins made you sick in the stomach and your knees weak.

But, with all love, Frank refused to let you risk it. You may not have been into needles, but he certainly wasn’t into your well-being being compromised. So, with reassuring promises that he’d be by your side the whole time, he had ushered you into the car a few days after your initial appointment and driven you to the lab.

”It’ll be over quickly, sweetheart. You’re my brave girl, you got this”, Frank started cheering you on once you were parked. In fact, the car had stopped minutes ago, but you weren’t able to get yourself on the move yet, your entire body stuck on the passenger seat.

With a sigh, not a frustrated one but a sympathetic one, Frank unbuckled himself and took the keys from the ignition before hopping out of the car and striding to your side. He opened the door and held out his hand for you, the look on his face full of encouragement, and with a shaky exhale, you interlocked your fingers with his thick ones and hopped out of the truck. You really didn’t want to do this, but the only thing getting you to act was the fact that you didn’t want to disappoint Frank. He believed in you so much, and he had driven all this way, so you refused to let him down.

He held your hand all the way to the waiting room where you sat down side by side, his alert eyes scanning the surroundings like he always did. There were only a few people, so you suspected you wouldn’t have to wait long, giving you only a little time to prepare yourself for the upcoming terror. As much as you wanted to be brave about it, you had no control over your reaction, and it annoyed you greatly. Frank understood, though.

”Hey, it’s gon’ be all right. I know you’re terrified, sweet girl, but in ten minutes we’re gonna be outta here. How ’bout I take you out for some pizza afterwards, huh?” he suggested, his eyes gentle as he looked at you, and with a faint smile, you nodded.

”That sounds nice”, you admitted, and with a grin, Frank pulled you in closer, his arm around your shoulders.

”Attagirl.”

Just like you had suspected, you were called in only minutes later, and with a gulp, you glanced at Frank. He gave you a look of complete faith and love, and you held onto that as you got up and pulled him behind you. Thankfully, the nurse didn’t protest when he walked in with you, and you clung onto Frank’s hand while you sat down on the chair with anxiety churning in your gut.

The nurse talked you through the process, promising that it was going to be quick, but you didn’t really take in any of what she told you. You were too preoccupied staring at the needle and the tubes that were going to be filled with your blood, and without warning, the panic kicked in.

Frank immediately noticed your shallow breaths and the way your eyes widened, and his heart shattered in his chest at the sight of you writhing in the chair. ”Give us a moment, yeah?” he asked the nurse, who kindly nodded and scooted her chair over to her desk to give you some space. Frank squatted down to be at your eye level, his hand finding a place to rest on your shoulder.

”Look at me, sweetheart. ’M right here. I promise you, it’s gonna be just a minute. All you gotta do is look at my face and squeeze my hand, aight? Squeeze it as hard as you can”, he comforted you, calm and collected as he talked you through the incoming panic attack. ”Easy, darlin’. Breathe with me”, he went on, staying close to you and locking eyes with you so that you’d have something to focus on.

You trembled, but with his help, you managed to fight off the panic, your breathing slowing down to normal. Your heart was still racing and your palms sweaty, but you chose to believe Frank — it was just going to be a brief moment, and he was right there with you through it.

”Okay”, you exhaled, ”I’m ready.”

The nurse rolled her chair back to you and praised you for being brave while opening the package of the needle. Frank noticed you staring at it again, and he quickly reacted. ”No, no, keep your eyes on me, sweetheart. Nothin’ else but my ugly mug”, he insisted, and a nervous chuckle slipped out of you.

”You’re not ugly, Frankie”, you argued back, but you still did as he had requested, and kept your eyes trained on him. You focused on his beaten nose, and when the needle pierced your skin, you took in a sharp breath and turned your attention to his deep, dark eyes. You saw the proud look in them, and it made you feel better. You looked at his lips next, convinced that he had earned the biggest kiss for when you’d be done.

”Doin’ so good, baby. Almost done”, Frank spoke with admiration, and as you trailed your eyes across the bruises all over his face, you were able to distract yourself from the needle.

The nurse finished, and while telling you that you had done well, she taped some cotton on your arm to stop the bleeding. You breathed out in relief, a tear escaping your eye as you realized you had survived the worst, and it put a smile on your face when you looked over to Frank.

”That’s my girl. Knew you could do it”, he commended you, leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

You said your goodbyes to the nurse and left the room, all the while applying pressure on your arm. Frank had a protective grip on your free hand, and when you made it outside, you finally felt like you could breathe.

”Thank you so much for being here. I really couldn’t have done it without you”, you reminded Frank, stopping him from walking just so you could reach up and kiss him. He happily responded, his nose brushing against yours as he kissed you back, passionate enough for heat to crawl up to your cheeks when you pulled away.

”Anytime, sweetheart”, he smiled, ”now, I’m pretty sure I promised you pizza.”

[monachopsis-11]

I have two things I could really use advice on if anyone has any experience with them.

1. I’m considering anxiety medication, I had a traumatic experience several months ago and since then my anxiety has been significantly worse to the point where it’s hard to do anything out of my house by myself because I’m so stressed and scared.

Obviously I know this won’t fix it but I’ve been in therapy forever and it only does so much so I’d be really curious to hear other people’s experiences with anxiety medication and if it makes a difference?

Also, I know this is really unusual but I’ve never taken prescription medication for anything in my whole life so the whole thing really freaks me out. My mom was one of those people who considered medication a last result and there was never a time I really needed it so I never had it. Now the idea of it, especially the side affects, really freaks me out. I’ve literally never had anything besides Advil in my life but it’s gotten to a point where I feel like it could benefit me. Anyway, information, experiences, advice etc. would all be so appreciated.

2. I am trying to decide whether to move forward with medical stuff. I have been trying to get help for chronic illness stuff for a year now and I’ve made basically no progress.

My GP, Rheumatologist, and Cardiologist have all (so far) been useless. I can’t get a diagnosis or any valid advice whatsoever and it being a new year means I haven’t met my deductible yet so my upcoming appointments will be expensive.

I’m mostly going through testing to try and get a POTS diagnosis (which he already thinks I don’t have because he measured my heart rate lying down and then after I’d already been standing for a minute and it was starting to go back down) and Fibromyalgia.

Mostly I’m just trying to get an idea of potential benefits to a professional diagnosis such as for treatment, eligibility for any other programs etc. If anyone has any information that might be helpful please let me know.

Anyway, I know this was long but thank you to anyone who took the time to read and potentially respond 🧡🧡🧡

[somberjoon]

METANOIA [6]

✩ pairing: wolf hybrid nj x cheetah hybrid reader (f) - eventual ot7 x reader

✩ genre: soul-searching , romance🔞 , found-family , healing , angst , happy ending

✩ word count: 3.8k

✩ chapter warnings: uncertainty in behavior and emotions , anxiety , brief mention of weight and a regularly scheduled pap smear (i know these appointments can be uncomfortable to a certain extent so the section with this appointment is marked with * at the start and end)

✩ summary: She doesn't know. There is so much about her and her cheetah that she hasn't had the privilege to understand. Unknown backgrounds and unknown emotions clash with feelings of want- hopes of being herself unapologetically. Namjoon seems to be someone that can help her- but can the rest of his pack truly be what she has wanted and needed?

✩ cover: me

ch.1 , ch.2 , ch.3 , ch.4 , ch.5 , ch.6 , ch.7

✩ disclaimer: this is not proof read like my other chapters, nor does it have too much going on. I am in my last couple weeks of Winter term as a full time student, so I apologize, but the content is short and simple. I think this still had some sweet progress for Y/N and she's my baby so it's fine. Next week's and the upcoming updates will hopefully be longer and have more content,,,I have quite a long way to go for being 6 chapters in, so I apologize for that as well :[

Y/N

As Taehyung pays for breakfast, Y/N stands and checks her phone she forgot was on silent. She doesn’t like the abrupt sound, but she always forgets to turn the vibration on at the start of the day. 

Surprisingly, a message from Namjoon is at the top of the notifications. A message from almost an hour ago. 

‘Good morning, Y/N! I hope your day is going well. Checking in to see if Taehyung is with you?’ 

Just as she goes to type back a reply, her phone shows an incoming call from Namjoon. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I’m sorry to call, but I got worried that neither you or Taehyung were answering my messages. Is he with you?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I thought you would’ve known he was here. He just showed up at the house and we just got done going out to eat. Do you need to talk to him, I can get him for you.”

“No no, it’s fine. I’m just glad you both are okay- he didn’t let me know he was leaving this morning. Was breakfast good? I’d imagine he took you to that little diner?”

“He did! It was really good.”

“I’m glad you liked it. But, if you’re uncomfortable going out or with anything at all just let him know okay? I don’t want you to go out of your comfort zone if you’re not ready.” She smiles at the kind words, missing Namjoon greatly all of a sudden and wishing he was on the trip with them. 

“I’m okay, he’s been really sweet and-” she looks back to make sure Taehyung is still at the counter. “He offered to help me with my cheetah. He’s giving me advice.” She can’t help her giddy voice coming out to tell him. 

“I knew he’d bring it up sooner or later. My point stands though, if there’s something that makes you uncomfortable just let him know. Like I said before, he has more primal tendencies than the rest of us, so it’ll be great for you, but it may be too much at times.”

“I will let him know if it’s too much. He needs to go shopping as well, so if we don’t answer you that’s the reason.” She stops for a second but can’t stop a confession from pushing forward before the call is over. “I wish you were with us.” She tries not to cringe at the words, waiting anxiously for a reply. 

“I wish I was with you as well, it sounds fun!” A quiet sigh leaves her, her heart rate picking up a bit. “But, I’m glad you guys are spending time together. Let me know if you get tired of walking, I’ll come get you guys- I’ll let Tae know as well, okay?”

“Okay-” Taehyung walks back up to the table to show he’s done. “Taehyung just got back, we’re gonna go now.”

“Okay, be careful, please.”

“We will, byebye.” 

“Byebye.” Namjoon copies, leaving her with a giddy look on her face. She looks up at Taehyung to find his phone in her face. 

“We should share numbers now, too.” Taehyung says with that small pout on his face. 

-

Taehyung leads her to the place he wanted to shop. The small shop resides in a strip mall that is quite busy despite the early time on a weekday. It’s a pretty place that has shops lining each side of a street-sized walkway. The walkway is filled with pretty beds of trees and plants, and stringed lights above them cross back and forth. She truly loves how it looks, and would like to come back at night despite knowing that it would be far more busy then. She’d risk it just to see the lights lit up. 

The shop is a little place that carries art supplies Y/N has never seen. Whenever Taehyung stops to peruse a certain spot, she finds herself reaching out to touch the soft brushes or run her finger across the scratchy canvases. 

She doesn’t pay attention to exactly what he picks up because she doesn’t recognize anything anyways. Only one thing catches her attention over everything. Sticks of brightly colored material wrapped in paper sit perfectly in a package. There are many different ones in different packaging, but they all look relatively the same. She can’t help but look over the vast array of colors and the bright pigment of them. 

“Taehyung, what is this?” Taehyung stops looking at some other sticks that are only black to see what she’s searching for. 

“Oil pastels. You want them?”

“No. They’re just really pretty, what are they for?”

“Whatever you want,” he shrugs, grabbing the largest pack on the shelf with the most colors and setting them in his handheld basket. “They are soft and creamy, so the pigment and color on the outside is the true color once you use them, and they’re good for blending colors together.”

“I told you I didn’t want them, I just wanted to know.”

“Maybe I just wanted some.”

“Lying isn’t a good way to start our friendship.”

“Our friendship will live.” He says with a shrug, leaving her with an annoyed expression.

Taehyung walks off, going back to an aisle they had already been in to grab something she can’t immediately see. She follows him again, heading up to the register and finally seeing the extra pads of paper he grabbed in a few sizes. She knows that if she questioned it he wouldn’t budge on anything she suggested, so instead she gives him an irritated look that he can’t even see. It doesn’t last long, though. 

Taehyung takes his bag of supplies in one hand, and with the other he grabs her hand suddenly as he pulls her from the shop. She looks down to see his large hand wrapped with an assured grip around hers. 

“There’s lots of people now, I don’t want you to be too far from me.” He explains. She looks up to find he’s right. The crowd has grown larger despite the shop they were in being almost bare. 

“Okay.” Is all she can say. She’d rather be close enough to him to not get swept up in the crowd. Taehyung is the most familiar person around, so the skinship becomes the least of her worries. As he walks, many scents and looks from others give her an anxious feeling she’s still not used to. The familiar scent of Taehyung is lost despite her close proximity to him. She tightens her grip on his hand and uses her other hand to grasp at the lower part of his arm, using the closer proximity this causes to press her face close to his arm as well. The proximity calms her well enough to follow his lead closely and exit the strip mall quickly. 

“Are you okay?” He asks as soon as they’re in a more secluded area outside the strip mall. She pulls away now that they’re mostly alone. 

“Yeah, I’m just not used to being around that many people yet.” She keeps her grip on Taehyung’s arm despite him setting the bag at his feet and freeing his hands to rub at her upper arms. The soothing emotion is an abrupt change of intimacy that she’s never experienced from anyone but Maria. Regardless of the fact, she quickly finds the motion and contact soothing. Slowly, she calms her nerves and focuses her eyes on a worried Taehyung. 

“I’m good.” She says with a sigh. 

“Good.” Taehyung doesn’t stop the soothing motion even though she finally evens her breathing and feels at ease. The motion seems to be soothing Taehyung as well, loosening his shoulders with each passing second. 

“Are you tired?” He asks as well. 

“A little. But, only ‘cus you keep doing that.” She gestures with her head to his arms. 

“It calms me too.” Is the only explanation he gives before stopping to take out his phone and send a text to someone and waits for a reply. “Namjoon is coming to pick us up, I don’t want to make you walk anymore.” 

“I’m okay, Taehyung.”

“You’ll be more okay if you can rest now.”

He’s not wrong. 

“Fine.”

Namjoon doesn’t take long to arrive at all, sending Taehyung a text that has him starting towards the strip mall’s parking lot with her hand in his again. There’s barely any people, but she doesn’t go against the gesture anyways. 

They spot the familiar sleek, black car, finding Namjoon standing outside of it to lean on the driver’s side door. 

Looking at Namjoon after seeing him no more than a day before, she can’t help but feel as though she misses him more and more the more she sees him. His sleek black clothing is far different than what he normally wears. The new look causes her to stare at the details. The sleek pants that fit him perfectly hang just above a pair of shiny black shoes. And his matching black, button-up shirt fits him even better- the cuffs folded up a couple times to reveal tan skin and a silver watch. Her staring seems to go unnoticed before Taehyung gives her a little nudge. 

“What?” She asks, looking up at Namjoon as he smiles at her with quiet anticipation. He doesn’t answer verbally, but spreads his arms out wider for her to take the offer if she’d like. A hug. She immediately recognizes the soft Namjoon she knows, forgetting the fancy look to take in his scent and the appreciation of him actually being here. She lets go of Taehyung to jump into Namjoon’s arms. This time, she’s reaching up to put her arms around his shoulders. His arms envelope her immediately, adding to the warmth Taehyung instilled in her earlier. She searches for his scent unapologetically, sadly finding that there is barely any scent. 

“Why can’t I smell you?” She practically whines into the neck of his shirt. 

“I’m sorry, I had to go into the office today for a hybrid client, so my scent needed to be covered with natural perfumes.” 

“I hate it.” She draws a rumbling laugh out of him that has her insides turning. 

“Noted. Did you have fun?” He asks as she finally pulls away. A now empty handed Taehyung takes her spot, getting a peck from Namjoon that she turns away from to give them privacy. 

“I did.” She answers right as Taehyung pulls away as well. 

Looking at the two she suddenly feels extremely out of place. Her dress is never better than sweats and t-shirts, but they seem to have an array of clothes with different purposes. As she picks at the wrist of her long-sleeve shirt, she decides that clothes shopping is another addition to her list of to-do’s once she gets a job. 

“Ready to go home?” He asks as Taehyung slides into the backseat of the car. 

“Yeah.” She gives a placate smile, hoping to cheer herself up. She is tired anyways from the excursion. She can feel it in her eyes and the way her tail doesn’t tightly wrap around her waist anymore. 

“Let’s get the tired cubs home.” Namjoon brings his hand up to smooth down her hair and rub gently into her head. She instantly grows syrupy in feeling. His touch is always so comforting- that unused purr bubbles up again despite Namjoon only giving her the attention for a few seconds then directing her to the passenger front side of the car. He opens the door for her, even going as far as to make sure her head doesn’t hit the top of the car and leaning over her to buckle her in himself. Her cheeks heat at the extra gesture he’s never done before- her heart rate picking up again for the nth time today. She can’t stand being around them much longer if this is going to keep happening to her. 

“Thank you.” She says after he climbs in behind the wheel. She looks back to find Taehyung is already fast asleep, curled up in the seat rather than seated and seat-belted in. 

“He gets tired quickly, especially when he’s getting used to new routines.” Namjoon explains. “Are you too tired for a session today? Should I let the organization know?” 

“No.” She answers quickly enough to be embarrassed. “I like our time together, I don’t want to give it up. I just got anxious and Taehyung helped calm me down, but it was a little exhausting. I’ll be fine with a cat nap.” 

“A-ha! That was cute. Cat nap.” Namjoon actually giggles, despite how sophisticated he looks, making Y/N laugh with him. 

-

Namjoon

After dropping Y/N off at home, Namjoon makes it home with Taehyung curled up in the backseat. He easily lifts and carries the big cat in like a giant toddler- his legs wrapped around Namjoon’s waist and head tucked into his collar, while the bag of supplies dangles from his fingers locked under the cheetah’s thighs. Going up the stairs and kicking open their shared bedroom door, Namjoon deposits the still-sleeping cat onto the soft bed. Taehyung takes no time getting comfortable and knocking out fully again. 

After a shower and finishing some reports from the day’s office trip, Namjoon gets ready to leave for the organization when a call greets him instead. He answers without double-checking. 

“Hey, sweetie! I was checking to see if you were still planning on seeing Y/N today?” Unexpectedly, Maria is on the other side. 

“Oh hello. I was just getting ready to head over to the organization..why? Was something wrong?” A sinking in his gut greets him suddenly. 

“Oh, no no! Don’t worry. I just totally forgot that Y/N had one of her check-ups today, and-” Her voice lowers a few decibels. “Well, obviously we won’t be home for an hour or two, but she always gets a little down after her appointments. They’re just a vulnerable thing for her. So- today might not be the best.” Namjoon’s relief is sudden but doesn’t quell every anxious feeling. 

“Oh, that’s fine. Thank you for letting me know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you know when you dropped her off earlier- I was just so proud she got out of the house by herself without me suggesting it first- I totally spaced it.”

“No worries, I appreciate the heads up and I hope everything goes well.” He says with a genuine air. 

“Of course. Thank you for all you do, I know she really enjoys having you around.” Namjoon gives a bitter smile only he can see. “I’ll let you go, though. Thank you for dropping her off, again- I’ll have to make you something extra tomorrow.” He gives her a soft laugh. 

“No need, I’ll see you then, Maria.” 

“Bye-bye, sweetie.”

-

Y/N

The worst about sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office is the anticipation of what’s to come-

And the awful staring. 

Y/N can’t tell if it’s because she’s a cheetah hybrid, or if she just looks odd in general sitting there. Is she wearing the right clothes? She still has no idea. She always considers her comfort first, especially when her clothes never felt right when she had no choice. She still has yet to venture and try new styles but- she’s at the doctor and is most comfortable in her usual clothing. If the stares are for her cheetah ears and the unseen tail that wraps around herself underneath her clothes- she’ll have to just let them stare then. There’s nothing secret about her cheetah, she won’t let that happen to herself again. She’s tired of hiding it. 

As she overthinks about being in the waiting room, the nurse calls her name after only a short while. Maria gives her hand a quick squeeze before letting her go on her own. She prefers to do this alone, but having Maria there after and before is much easier. She’s comforting in a way she hasn’t placed intentionally yet. She’s just happy she has a safe person in these events. 

“How are you today?” The nurse asks. Y/N can only guess that she’s a bear hybrid based on her cute, little rounded ears that poke out of her slick backed hair. The bun is always immaculate, no hair seems to be out of place. 

“I’m okay.” She answers honestly. “How are you?” 

“Good, thank you. We’ll go to the usual room.” She leads Y/N with an extended arm, letting her go first. The room is in the farther pods of rooms that have the equipment necessary for the check-up. 

*

“Here we are, go ahead and place your bottoms and underwear into the privacy bag once you’re finished- and go ahead and just sit on the table with the robe on when you’re ready. The doctor will give you a few extra minutes to settle in.” She instructs with the same smile as usual. Y/N only gives her the usual nod. 

The uncomfortable paper robe is one of the worst feelings. She can’t help but think about the thin, worn-out clothing she’d wear for weeks at a time. The memories clash with the uncomfortable appointment about to take place. Trying to find a silver lining, all she can think is that ‘at least she’s able to get medical treatment’, ‘at least her hybrid genes allowed her to stay mostly unharmed with survival instincts, ‘at least this isn’t as bad as her first dentist appointment’. She allows a small ‘pfft’ of a laugh out at that memory. She hasn’t had someone poking around in her mouth since she was young- the dentist wasn’t gentle in his cleaning. Even though her teeth held up well only thanks to the fact of her cheetah, she still had four cavities that needed work done. She was so mad at the dentist for the discomfort she felt. She wouldn’t even talk to him- like little kids ‘hmph’ and ignore an adult. 

knock knock

“All set, Y/N?” The always sure-sounding doctor asks through a crack in the door. 

“Yes.” 

“Great, how are you today?” Her warm voice asks, immediately going over to the sink to wash her hands thoroughly. 

“I’m okay.” 

“That’s good. Do you have anything you’d like to talk about specifically today? Any concerns?” 

“No.” 

“Alrighty then. It’ll just be the usual check-up that you’re used to. Go ahead and stand for me, we can get your weight first.” She appreciates the effort the staff put in to making her and the other patients comfortable. Maria told her that usually, doctors make you check your weight in the main halls before coming into the rooms. But here, the scales are in the rooms. She is relieved by that fact.

“Great,” She marks down the weight on her paper. “You gained a few pounds since I last saw you, that’s great progress towards your goal. Has the recommended diet been going well?” 

“I think so. I eat whatever Maria makes and I have been eating more when I go out.” She answers honestly. 

“That’s good! Go ahead and sit back up on the table- have you tried anything new?” 

“Breakfast sausage. Strawberry syrup.”

“Ooh that sounds good.” She gives her, always sounding comforting. With another wash of her hands, she’s guiding Y/N’s legs like usual into the stirrups that sit on either side of the table. A pair of gloves are slipped on as she gives her the usual information. 

“I’m just going to take a look like normal. Have you gotten your period?” Y/N sadly tells her no. She always worries that there’s something wrong with her now that she’s been informed on why she has never gotten in. Being underweight is a large part of her problem, and is probably the main reason. 

“We can do an ultrasound today? It’s just imaging of the uterus. I can take a look on the spot and see if it could be any other reason. But, you’re gaining weight at a healthy rate so we could just wait and see if you’d like.”

“Does it…hurt?” She asks, unsure how they would do that. 

“Not at all, it’s nice and warm though.” She gives her a light, humming laugh. “We would just put some gel right here,” She hovers over her hand over her uterus, “then I take my little ‘wand’ and press it to the spot we’re looking for, the gel helps it, and then we get a look at your uterus to see if there’s any common reasonings for missed or irregular periods.”

She thinks about the process, already stressed with her legs in the air for too long and the cold air hitting her uncomfortably. 

“Can we do that next time?” 

“Of course! I’ll take a quick look and then you’ll be on your way.” 

For the most part, she blacks out every time she has these appointments. She slows her breathing and closes her eyes to think about literally anything else and before she knows it, it’s over. 

*

“Okay. Everything looks good. Are you sexually active at the moment?” 

“No.” She shakes her head as she awkwardly covers herself with the robe once the stirrups are moved for her. 

“I think it’d be a great idea to take one of the sexual health development classes we offer. They’re free and it’s just a one time class with information that I think would be great for you. There are hybrid-only classes for specific information on non-human traits.” 

She’s never thought about learning these things in a class. She always thought it’d be a learning process when she found someone she was comfortable with but- maybe this would be better. Maybe she could try something new on her own and learn more about herself that no one has offered her yet. 

“Okay, that sounds nice.”

“Perfect, go ahead and get dressed and I’ll grab the pamphlet for you.” She gives her another warm smile before leaving.

-

“This sounds great.” Maria unashamedly looks over the pamphlet once they’re back home. “Oh no,” She suddenly looks stumped. 

“What?”

“It’s on the weekend, I won’t be able to take you.”

“Oh,” she immediately deflates, but her want to do this is too great. “I can get there on my own. I can walk.”

“It’s up at the hospital, that is too far of a walk, plus you’d have to walk on the side of the highway- that’s not legal or safe.” They both think, apparently coming to the same conclusion because they look at each other with a look that Y/N tries to dismiss before even hearing the reasoning for. 

“I don’t think h-”

“I can see if Namjoon would have an idea.”

“I’m not his responsibility, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well I know Richard wouldn’t be able to take you when it’s only him and one other guy at the shop on the weekends. We’ll talk to Namjoon tomorrow.” 

“Mar-”

“We’ll make it work.” 

If this is the parental experience she missed out on she can’t even be mad about it. She knows Maria won’t bend on this, especially after she finally has something like this she’d like to do. 

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

Communicative Comfort

Summary - Part 8 in the Comfort series

Pairing - Dean Winchester x Reader, Reader x Sam (platonic)

Warnings - minor injuries, mentions of blood and cuts, brotherly angst, mentions of pregnancy

Word Count: 1833

Series Masterlist | Masterlist

A/N - G’day guys, I just wanna start by thanking you for all the likes, reblogs and follows since my last post, I really appreciate it. I hope you like this one too. And remember my inbox is always open for requests or even if you just wanna chat. Until next week, enjoy! 

It’s been a long week since you and Dean went to the clinic and the nerves for your upcoming results appointment are starting to bubble over. You both just want confirmation on whether or not you really are expecting. You know in your mind that the symptoms can’t really be anything else, but your anxiety from a life of monster hunting among other things just won’t let you believe it until the blood tests prove it once and for all.

In the meantime, so as not to make Sam suspicious – although you knew he was the first to figure it all out, you hadn’t told Dean that, so Dean had continued to go on hunts that were close by. You helped out with researching the lore from the safety of the bunker. All while continuing with Dean’s strict baby-friendly diet that he’d researched and a comprehensive self-care routine consisting of long baths or showers to relax your muscles, midday naps, early nights, and sleep-ins and meditation if you felt yourself getting stressed. It all felt like overkill to you and you were missing your active lifestyle. But truthfully you had never felt more well-rested in your life – which only led to you having even more energy. As the days went on your morning sickness lessened, as did your mood swings. 

Your appointment is set for the following morning but it’s after 10 pm and Sam and Dean were yet to return from their salt and burn in Colorado Springs. You know it’s a long drive but that never stops you from feeling anxious. You much prefer being in the car with them than waiting in the bunker not knowing what’s happening. You had always been better at and preferred the fighting stage of fight, flight and freeze. But for the sake of the potential baby growing inside you, you continue to do your best to rest and keep your stress levels in check. 

An hour later, after you finally manage to doze off in the chair at the war table, the boys walk in noisily. You’re frustrated at the disruption for a second before letting that melt away to be replaced by pure relief that they’re home safe.

Dean rushes to you and hugs you before pulling you into his arms and carrying you to bed. You can’t help but groan out in pleasure when you stretch out your stiff muscles on the memory foam. You had been determined to stay up and wait for them to go to bed – although you had dozed off – but you had to admit those chairs really were uncomfortable. Dean took a quick shower before joining you as your big spoon. You fall back asleep quickly in his warm embrace.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

When you wake up the bed is cold and empty. It used to be a rare occurrence for Dean to wake before you, but ever since the suspicion of your pregnancy, it has become more common, with him wanting to cook you a healthy meal and let you sleep in. You check the time: 7:30. You decide to get up and get ready for your 10 am appointment. Once you’re happy with your hair and outfit, you go down the hall to the kitchen. You stop in your tracks just around the corner when you hear hushed shouting coming from the kitchen.

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about, Sam. She’s just not well. We’re going to the doctor today and we’ll figure it all out.”

“You’re smothering her. She’s not dying or anything, Dean! She’s … you know what it doesn’t matter what she is, you can’t keep smothering her like this. It’s borderline Stockholm Syndrome and domestic abuse.”

“She’s never said anything. It’s not abuse if she wants it. You don’t even know the whole story so just keep your opinions to yourself.”

“Alright, Christian Grey. So, if you hit her and she didn’t say anything that would be fine too? You know what it’s your future and relationship to screw up. I’m done trying to help the two of you!” 

After that statement, Sam storms out brushing past you in the hall. Your heart sinks; you hate being the reason for their fighting. Seconds later you hear a loud shatter from around the corner. You run into the room to see what happened and comfort Dean, but as you round the corner you feel a sharp pain in your foot. 

“Shit!” You call out as you stumble to the table for something to lean on. 

Dean’s at your side in seconds, lifting you into his arms and sitting you on the bench. He quickly checks out your feet, despite already knowing exactly what happened. He moves around the kitchen for the first-aid kit to clean up the cuts and remove the glass that is sticking out of the soles of your feet. As he cleans and bandages he mumbles out apologies for the pain he’s causing while caring for you as well as for being the reason you’re injured in the first place. Once your feet are glass-free and bandaged up he brings you the fruit salad he made you for breakfast before cleaning up the broken plate to ensure no one else gets hurt. Then he takes a seat beside you. You feed him a piece of watermelon from your fork hoping the gesture shows that you’re not mad and that you don’t blame him. 

Once he swallows the fruit he says, “am I smothering you? Or controlling you? I don’t mean to, I just want to do everything I can to make this easier for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and everything else you’re going to go through, and I just want to help out in any way I can. But if I’m too controlling...” 

“Dean, baby, look at me. I love you so much-”

“But?”

“There’s no but … just, well … I know you’re just trying to protect me and this potential little bean inside me. And I’m grateful, I really am. I have never felt more relaxed or well-rested in my life. However, I am starting to feel a little restless and I’m missing some of my favourite foods. I’m used to an active lifestyle and eating and drinking what I want. Now I’m not saying I want a pot of coffee or a bottle of whisky or anything, but I’ve read a small glass of coffee or wine occasionally is safe … or even just soda. And I can’t keep living on rabbit food and sleeping all day. I need to be able to find a way to still enjoy life while bringing life into this world or it’s going to be a very long nine months.” 

“But everything was making you so sick. I just wanted to help you feel better and it seemed to be working.”

“It is. And as I said, I am so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I just … can I have my boyfriend back? Ever since you proposed … ever since you found out that I may be pregnant you’ve become my carer. And while I appreciate it, I need love and support. More than baked goods, juice cleanses and bath bombs I need support, Dean … I need hugs and kisses and to feel your hands on my belly as it grows.”

“But you said you wanted to wait for the results to even talk more about the possibility. Every time I’ve tried to bring up the baby since that first test you’ve shut me down. And you’re right, we don’t even know for sure yet. So, until we do I just didn’t know what else to do, so I guess I went back to treating it like an illness or a stomach bug.”

“I want nothing more than to get excited about this but I’m terrified of getting attached … of letting myself believe this is real. Part of me still feels like I’m in a dream world concocted by a Djinn or something. I’m scared if I let myself believe or get attached then I’ll lose it and I don’t think I could handle that. But that’s exactly why I need support. I need you to hug me and tell me it’s gonna be okay.”

Lost for words, Dean opts to stand up and wrap you in his arms and kiss you instead. His hand drifts down to your belly and rests there. You stay like this until your alarm goes off signalling it’s time to start heading to the clinic. You pull away to silence the alarm, but before Dean lets you out of his embrace he says, “we’ll know for sure very soon. But no matter what, we’ll get through it together, okay?”

You just nod as you stand up; shooting and throbbing instantly back in your foot as you put your weight on your injuries. Dean swiftly lifts you up and places you back on the stool. 

“Let’s get you some comfy shoes so you can walk in the clinic. But at least let me carry you around the Bunker. I did do this to you after all.”

“You didn’t do it. I stupidly rushed in barefoot after hearing a shatter. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were worried about me, believe me, I know the feeling and the signs by now. All I’ve ever done since I met you is worry about you. And no matter how hard I, you or Sam try, that’s something that will never change. We do it for each other on hunts especially and even just in life. And that’s part of the reason I don’t want you coming on the hunts with us, even for the trip. I’m worried that you’ll do something risky to save me, and I can’t bear the thought of being the reason you get hurt or lose our little miracle.”

“But I can’t do this without you either.”

“If you had to, you could. You’ll be a great mother. But I have no plans of making you do this alone. I want to do this with you, but I also need to be around to help Sam until he’s ready to stop hunting and even just to make this world a safer place for our little one.”

“I know. Anyway, come on, we’re gonna be late for the appointment. We can talk more in the car.”

Dean nods and rushes out of the room to grab you a pair of your soft, fluffy socks for extra padding along with your boots. When he returns he kneels down and helps you put them on before carrying you out to his beloved car and setting you down on the front passenger seat. He closes your door and rounds the car, getting in the driver’s seat himself and revving up the engine, peeling out of the garage and onto the road towards town. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Tag list: (Leave a like or comment on this post or let me know below if you want to be added to the tag list for this series)

@bitchwitch1981, @muhahaha303, @justrealizedimmascifygurl, @mcdowell-123, @leigh70, @marvelsmarauder, @losa12308, @tapedeck-hearts, @luvjaida,

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session #2. Taking what i sent to PT after the session.

ET-emdr therapist

PT-primary therapist

When I went in, ET asked how the last 3 weeks had been and I said "a shit show" which she laughed but then asked more about. I briefly touched on some medical stuff I'm dealing with and then some stuff with my animals stressing me out.

ET asked if we could talk more about the relationship with my mom since we started to touch on it last time. That relationship and dynamics was already really activated because of the session I had with PT a few days prior where it came up (+ an upcoming visit with mom). I said how the compassionate response in childhood probably would have been that my needs were different than my sisters versus the response and narrative I got of youre needy, dependent, too much and the accompanying shame. ET asked what it would have felt like to hear that as a child or even how it felt now to say and hear that. I said it felt like a vice around my body, restriction and tightness and the freeze.

I talked about how the self hatred really goes back to infancy. Not in a cognitive way, but that when I look at baby pictures of myself as a baby all I feel is disgust and judgement, mainly "I've always been ugly" and watching videos of myself as a young toddler/child (my mom videoed our childhood and then it was something we watched a lot too) how annoying I was, too much, how bad my anxiety was even at a really young age etc. I know these narratives come from my mom, she makes these comments constantly. Its sad and pathetic though. I think of the babies in the NICU or at work now, even the most difficult, exhausting toddlers, and can never fathom feeling this way about them, yet I cant disconnect these feelings when it comes to myself.

We talked about my therapy history with K, P, L and my current therapist PT and those relationships. ET was saying how I needed the relational and attachment work and how K ended up reinacting my mom. When I argued that I shouldn't need it now, and need to do it for myself, ET said the young wounded child part of me needs it and that the adult me wants to be able to do it for myself and by myself, like to find safety in my body and in myself versus through relationships and others, particularly in therapy. She asked about talking to that part directly, which was really challenging and she validated that most of me couldn't hear it because of the protective parts. ET said she isn't trying to get rid of those protective parts, just wants to work with them directly.

The biggest theme of the session was my disorganized attachment, starting with my mom. With the lens of parts work, she talked a lot about how strong my protective parts are, that im a "super well protected" system. Im able to conceptulize it, but the freeze, shame and other shields come up immediately when trying to feel it in my body or apply it to myself from an empathetic view. She talked about the shame as the "monster within". 

In terms of how I was in the appointment, it felt different than last time in that I was able to be a bit more open with what I was thinking and experiencing in response to her. She is heavy on psychoeducation, which is fine and I do appreciate and find interesting, but I was more open about what I was able to hear or accept and what I wasn't. I struggled more this appointment with talking and my voice and the freeze, in different ways than last time. At one point I was completely collapsed and curled up and was shame spiraling. ET had to go to the bathroom anyway so we used that as a break and it helped in that I was able to uncurl a bit once I was alone for a minute. 

ET does a lot of bringing attention to my body and how im experiencing things, which is newer for me in therapy and is where I really struggle, dropping out of the cognitive intellectualizing and into my body and somatic experience of things.

If we view it from this lens then I think the struggle with the fact that not only do ET and PT see the child part that's struggling but theyre compassionate towards it and trying to work with it, when Im only working against it. thats what I've been told and taught to do from the time I was that child. So it makes sense that I feel like PT treats me like a child or as weak because they are seeing and working with a different part of me.

Its hard enough to intelluctalize it this way, but when I try to experience and feel it somatically, its impossible. ET would talk about ways that doing EMDR can help get there, which was triggering a lot of shame in the moment of how Im not even able to try it or do it, because all we did was talk and I could answer questions and intelluctually talk about things, but when it came to doing anything physical or active, i tried a few times but could not do it. She said that we were still doing EMDR because we are doing the first steps of history taking and resourcing and talked about how sometimes EMDR ends up very "front loaded" with the work and other times it's more back loaded and that its more than just the reprocessing work. Which I know and understand on a cognitive level, but can't get myself to feel it as OK in my body or in the moment when im spiraling feeling like I'm failing (EMDR, therapy, myself..) and weak and stupid.

We did also talk about the hopelessness being much more present than the maybe 5% of me that has hope things could be fundamentally different. ET frames it as state change versus trait change.

[glittertomb]

(There’s a fun exercise for expelling negative energy in bold font at the bottom if you don’t have the time or energy to read all of this)

I’ve been trying to live my life by the seasons more… such as shopping for seasonal crops, decorating my home festively, changing my altar with more regularity, following the moon and different celestial periods more carefully, celebrating holidays and practicing rituals instead of letting them pass me by, preparing myself and my space for upcoming changes, and fully immersing myself in different activities for the current weather… ✨so✨I decided to have a little Mabon celebration last night even though I’m in the middle of a chaotic move and torn between three places.

I spent all day methodically cleaning and preparing my new space, which was both coincidental and intentional because I’m unpacking boxes and cleansing myself of stuff I don’t need and organizing the things I do need in an aesthetically pleasing but functional way. And when I tuckered myself out I went into the backyard (yay, I finally have a yard 🥺🙏🏻) to commune with nature and eat wild apples while keeping an eye on my exploring housecat. Then I made an eggplant, cauliflower, bok choy, ginger, and green pepper stirfry to enjoy with my sister and her boyfriend (and he made onigiri which was so so tasty), and we drank witches brew and watched the live action One Piece and it was really cozy and cute. But now I’m getting to the part I’m really excited to tell you about! It starts out a bit sad but gets good, I promise.

I have a lot of old trauma that’s manifested itself in awful ways into my body such as chronic pain, chronic nausea, vagus nerve issues, and crippling anxiety, and all of this has recently culminated into the worst my health has ever been. Unfortunately, I was so deep in medical debt from surgeries, doctor appointments, medications, natural remedies, coping devices, therapy appointments, and disorder testing for almost 10 years (which sadly amounted to neither answers nor reprieve), that I couldn’t afford more care or to take time off so I could try to heal, so I was not only still suffering but feeling completely hopeless. On top of all of that, I just went through half a year of horror because I moved in with an old, dear friend who turned out to not be so dear as I thought and he was manipulative, moody, narcissistic, codependent, judgmental, filthy, and disrespectful of my boundaries, so my hair was falling out in clumps due to stress and I wasn’t taking care of my body because I was genuinely afraid to use the bathroom, kitchen, and other living spaces. This friendship loss was really discouraging because I’ve had to let go of both of my best friends this calendar year as well for reasons I don’t want to go into, but let’s just say that they were both habitually selfish, inconsiderate, and emotionally immature, so even though I love them and miss them terribly I had to move on. As if that were not enough, my job was taxing physically, mentally, and emotionally, and was not respecting my scheduling or disability boundaries, and because of staffing issues I felt obligated to work these ridiculous 12+ hour shifts because no one else could or would. All this to say that I felt like a broken-down, miserable, rotten, and weary version of myself and had lots of bitterness, hopelessness, negative energy, and old trappings to release myself from; so moving into a new space right at the change of the seasons would be a perfect time to do it!

What I decided to do when I went back home after dinner was write a list of things I wanted to expel, and I encourage you to do so as well! This can be bad habits, old mentalities, feelings of self-doubt, relationships that no longer serve you, just anything that’s holding you back from the life you want to live. I noted where I would experience sensations in my physical body as I wrote these things down (for example, as I was writing to you above about these friendships, I felt an ache in my chest and a burning sensation in my arms and throat), because that’s where the body is internalizing these feelings and where you’ll have to do extra work in the release process. Now it’s time for the fun part!

First, I played Shake it Off by Taylor Swift and danced, focusing on literally shaking off the old energy from parts of my body where I was experiencing negative physical sensations. I think this song is a great place to start because you can feel pretty silly doing this at first, but the whole vibe of this song is “who cares about looking silly and who cares about what the haters think”. I’m kinda my own biggest hater and have a ton of self doubt, so I actually had to go for a second round of this song until I started feeling comfortable enough, and hey, that’s okay!

Once I got into the grove, I played Dust Me Off by Tilly & the Wall and continued to dance, shake my body, and dust off all the sadness, fear, doubt, anger, hurt, and anxiety that I’ve been holding on to for so so so long. I’m allowed to forgive myself for old transgressions. I’m allowed to move on from ancient painful memories. I’m allowed to put down old habits, feelings, friendships, and places and open myself up to new ones!

Now that I was really releasing, it was time to get spiritual with Shake it Out by Florence Welch. I shook, I spun around, I flailed, until I cast off the “devil on [my] back” and let myself sway to the end of the song. It was cathartic, it was healing, it was soothing, it helped me work off that cookie I had after dinner, and afterwards I had a really wonderful sleep and woke up feeling more empowered to take on the day.

It was such a good exercise that I wanted to share it with everyone and I will definitely be revisiting it next time I’m feeling stagnated, overburdened, or depressed. I’m going to continue in the spirit of Mabon today with a little bit of tea, meditation, and maybe even decorating my altar with some early-autumn leaves, so don’t feel like it’s too late to try this just because Mabon was technically yesterday. 😊🍁🧡

And p.s. Feel free to message me other songs about shaking out the old or dusting off bad feelings. I’m inspired to make a playlist.

P.p.s. It’s in a little bit of a different vein but I just remembered Sweeping Spell by Faun Fables, which is about sweeping out old energies and cleaning up your home while you prepare for the dark season. 🧹🧹🧹

P.p.s.s. I first learned about releasing trauma through physical movement when reading The Body Keeps the Score, but that book is a bit tiresome and the author is a problematic old man, so I will post a list of better books to read on the subject soon 💜💜love yous and I hope you experience more peace after doing this!

[rhapso0odic]

Onset of Change: Should I Be Happy Or Scared? 

Yesterday, I discerned the shift in mindset, and I am ever-so-slightly happy. It struck me retrospectively, when I thought back to the night before the Thursday I commenced my new job. 

Normally I would be teeming with nervousness, and what would rise unsolicited to the forefront of my mind are thoughts: what if I absolutely fail tomorrow, what if I am too stupid to understand what my employer requests of me, what if, what if. And whilst some tamer thoughts had me skirting that overbearing anxiety, as I recall this time I forcefully invoked self-assuring notes that I will be alright, that even if I encounter a problem on the day I will sort it out just fine. I reminded myself to get excited, because I achieved what I wanted – to get vocational experience in the field I am studying and prospecting to live through. And it really did work. I was less nervous, somewhat confident. Even if this is such a small thing to write about, I am happy as this is a notable change for me. 

I had the worst habit of cowering before a big event. I intentionally imprisoned myself in certain types of thoughts. By imprisonment I mean locking myself away in a window of time designed for deliberating the what ifs. All the negative prospects of said event I could ever imagine. You can only imagine how stressed I was working myself up to be, and I would emerge from this practice abjectly drained. I was so convinced that I was doing myself good. That the time I appointed to think of the extremist scenarios where things go wrong, was a hurting but necessary vaccination to grant myself immunity from collapsing at the foot of those negative scenarios, were they to ever happen. In those times my mantra was to never look forward to something, to always imagine the worst of any upcoming event; then at the very least you’d end up levelling out to meet that expectation. Any better and you’ll have to be comparatively happier. It was a dogma by which I always chastised myself: Happy anticipation is always a path to disappointment, and it was better to worry about the worst possibilities now, for preparation. 

Things are almost never black-and-white (see, I was going to write ‘Things are never black and white’, and held myself back for its hypocrisy, and the fallacy of it: surely if I were to let’s say kill my friend’s pet dog who had done nothing but come up to me, wag its tail every time I saw it, that puts me in immediate wrong for both intent and the act): There is a measure of truth and benefit to that practice. The relief of finishing a task is much greater, for example. And in the circumstances where something actually does go bad, panic is less likely to induce me, and it is only bitterness that holds me within its grasp. It ironically is the mindset you want to have in preparation for nit-picky things like exams. Yes, perfectionism is not quite the villain I make it out to be; perhaps only an antihero. Even so, it is such a tiring way to live, and often makes me want to escape from life. 

And now I feel myself starting to break that cycle. In the smallest acts of affirming myself. 

There is another level to which this change is palpable, at least to me: I used to not long for the change, because I had the fear (call it irrational if you will) that I would lose an integral part of me if I really let things go, that I will achieve less, become the worser version of who I am. I have begun to realise I was scared to step outside the comfort of habits. What propelled me was the realisation that I really couldn’t live like this forever.

There is no Plan of Action for this week, not really, but just a note:

Day 4:

Be happy and grateful for the smallest step towards change. Maybe I deserve it.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021 As expected, the anxiety is back. Knew it would be, but hey, I just have to learn to live with it and accept that yes, it really is a life sentence for some of us. Particularly those of us that can’t handle the side effects of medications. And yes, someday it really will become a way of life and I’ll get used to it. I just have to believe and have faith in myself as shitty as this feeling is. It will make the calmer times even more special, and I’ll just have to enjoy those times when I can. I just hope I’m not in for another two-month spell! That was damn long. Two minutes is too long but two months is a real killer.

I don’t know, it still seems a bit extreme and a bit late for it to be mostly hormonal. Won’t know for sure for another year or two. Once I get to that point, if I still have it, I can rule out both hormones and possible negative energy dwelling in this place. I still get the feeling it’s tied into the med. I just don’t know how. I didn’t just become this way. There is a reason.

For now, I’m still drinking the tea and doing the tapping and whatever else I can think of that helps. Being on nights definitely doesn’t help but in a few days, my schedule should shift forward enough. It always seems worse when I’m getting up between 2:00 PM and 8:00 PM.

Right now I’m a lot more worried for Aly. Pretty sure she’s in the hospital right now. She wasn’t improving and was having all kinds of horrible symptoms like leg swelling, acid reflux, and other things. So she went to the ER and I guess they admitted her. She sent a quick message saying something about a UTI, possible ovarian tumor, and low white blood cells. She wasn’t exactly sure how they were going to treat her, but I guess they were going to start with a blood transfusion. She said that every 5 to 7 years she gets really sick with something. I remember when she had that really nasty skin infection that had her laid up in the hospital for a month, and before that she had breast cancer to deal with.

Meanwhile, I’m sure Kim is still as healthy as can be and her worse problem is having to do chores and not being able to obsessively bombard someone like June with a shitload of messages.

What I didn’t tell her, although I know I’ve mentioned it before either directly to her or in my journals, was that I have one long-term problem after another that lasts an average of 4 to 7 years with only a year or two off in between. The thing is that if the anxiety never stops, then does that mean nothing can replace it? Too bad if that’s the case because anything would be better than being anxious so much of the time. I know that there is the stress of my upcoming doctor’s appointment, waiting on the vaccine, getting out of here and all that, but none of what’s going on should have me feeling this way. I still say it’s medical somehow. Life itself may influence it to a degree but I think it stems from something going on inside me, I just don’t know if it’s the med, hormones, something else, multiple things, etc.

Another thing that doesn’t help is just living here. Simply being here is hard so much of the time. They woke me up twice today. First it was a vehicle and then, just as I was knocking back off, I swear this vibrating/thumping sound woke me up that made me think of a low-flying helicopter and its rotors but Tom said he didn’t remember hearing helicopters at that time. It was probably them working on the fucking house. I swear they’re never gonna finish the fucking thing! He said they were noisy in the morning and that Geri’s mutt seems to have some kind of routine.

If we end up in a park, I really hope to hell it’s a petless one that doesn’t allow motorcycles and that we’re further away from what’s a much quieter and less traveled street! I’m sure we won’t have a water view and that all we’ll see are streets and other houses as usual, and while a pretty view would be nice, sound and being able to sleep is more important. I’m tired of being woken up and I’m tired of the distractions when I am awake. At night, I want to turn the sound machines and air cleaners off to give my ears a break yet I can’t because of the constant roar of the freeway and small planes and helicopters buzzing about.

Decided to try looking for books on Goodreads. Maybe I’ll find more set in the US that way.

Dyed my hair but I don’t see the violet in either the model on the box or on my head right now. It looks more like a deep dark ruby red, but I actually like it. I think it came out great. I was worried at first because it seemed way too bright when I was putting it on. I’ve always hated fiery red hair or carrot-colored hair that has orange in it. Anyway, I tried taking pictures but it looked a different color every single time despite the angle and lighting in the room, none of which reflected an accurate image of what it actually is, LOL.

It took me over a month, but I finished the diamond painting of the dark-haired girl with the red flowers. Now I’m starting the Dreamcatcher. This one won’t take nearly as long because it’s smaller and it’s not a full drill.

Had a dream we were in a hotel. He was out somewhere and I was in the room by myself when this couple accidentally started to enter and I told them they had the wrong room. It didn’t seem like it was an outside room, though. It was like the couple stood in a hallway. I didn’t seem distressed either, as I was in most of the many hotel-related dreams I had after our nearly 9-month experience when we first came to Cali.

TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2021 Still enjoying the calm that is only dampened by the knowledge of the fact that I won’t even make it to May without getting anxious. Probably won’t even make it to mid-April.

Right now I’m more angry than sad over the latest surge in covid cases. I usually have an I-don’t-care attitude but knowing the deaths are mostly due to Republicans lifting mask mandates simply to make Biden look bad really has a way of infuriating me. How do they sleep at night? How do they sleep at night knowing they had a hand in these people’s deaths, knowing that most people wouldn’t be smart enough to know better? It’s just so damn childish and so wrong on every level to know there are some people that would be OK with thousands of people dying just to spite this one person. And then to further infuriate me is knowing that they’ll get away with it. Meanwhile, if I just write something down that the wrong person of the wrong color doesn’t like, I have to go to jail for it.

Not understanding why Walmart has added a thing to prove I’m not a robot. Why would a robot want to go grocery shopping for me?

I ordered Violet Vixen hair dye for tomorrow’s delivery and it ought to be interesting. I chose a similar one for them to sub if they don’t have it. I just hope it isn’t too intense and doesn’t stand out too much. To each their own but I’m getting too old for that shit. I would prefer to keep the bright colors confined to my clothes.

Went out walking today and had my second 15-minute segment on the vibe plate. It’s surprisingly quiet too but don’t use it with loose panties on if you don’t want them shaken down!

I had a dream that I had a bed on the back porch of a cop couple’s place, and I felt I had to sleep there on weekends for some reason. It might have been a front porch or even part of a hallway in a building, but the double bed was somehow connected to their property or close enough to it.

One day I went to sleep in the bed and found it gone. I questioned the couple about it, and I could later see them arguing about it from a distance. I know the woman was against me sleeping there but the guy obviously won the argument because I soon found that the bed was put back where it was.

I later chatted with the woman who I forgot was a cop until I saw her hanging out at her place in sweatpants but with her police jacket on. I knew she worked two jobs and asked her why she didn’t work as a cop full time. She answered the question but I don’t remember what she said.

My parents were alive in another dream and I was telling them that I no longer wore earrings because of the changes in my bad ear. Also, I didn’t need a new wardrobe even though I would like one.

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2021 Been getting my vibe on! No, not that kind of vibe. The exercise vibration platform came today. I did one of the low-intensity programmed sets for 15 minutes. It felt weird as hell at first and I wasn’t sure I would like it but I quickly got used to it. Still don’t know if it’s going to help but if we don’t see any results in a month or so we’re going to return it. You don’t just stand on it, of course, but you do exercises while on it. Mostly things like squats and calf raise exercises. It comes with resistance bands but I haven’t used them yet. There are bands with handles that you attach to the base of the platform but they’re so wimpy. You can also lie on it to do crunches and place the palms of your hands on it to do push-ups.

Taking a day off from going out walking but I might do some yoga stretches later.

Got up to 81 degrees today and it’s still warm in the house coming up on midnight. Hard to believe it’s going to drop to 44 tonight. In a few days, though, we’ll be back to highs in the 60s.

On the way back from the dentist on the 22nd, a couple of cop cars went screaming by. It turns out that a mail carrier in Fair Oaks discovered two dead bodies in a driveway and called them in. I don’t know much about the case but it was a woman and a guy in their twenties and it might have been a murder-suicide.

I also forgot to mention that I asked the dental hygienist how one could tell when bridges and crowns were at the end of their life and she said there really is no end of life for them and they can last up to 40 years. That would be wonderful if I never had to replace any of them, especially the bridge!

The pigs are still up for adoption. They’re listed as being 2 years and 9 days old. Where did they come up with those 9 days? They’re probably closer to 2.5 years to be exact. We got them in January 2019, and they were probably already a few months old.

I’m a little surprised they didn’t list the pigs’ breed. With all the experience they’ve had with animals they should know they’re Americans.

I just hope they get a loving home that’s peaceful since guinea pigs are often startled by noise, even though I don’t know where you can get that in today’s world, especially in a warmer climate.

The black cohosh tea is really upping my number twos and I read that yes, that is a side effect. Kim mentioned it as well. I sure as hell will gladly take that over anxiety, though! Still, I might not steep it as long, or see if I can get by with just one cup of that and one of the primrose. This is why I don’t mess with pills. If this is what I get from just tea, I’d hate to think of what pills would bring me!

It’s still way too soon to say whether or not the tea is helping as there have been other things I thought were helping just to have the anxiety return to haunt me, so it probably isn’t, although it can’t hurt either.

I told Andy that if he hasn’t already, I would appreciate it if he didn’t tell his family where we’re moving to because I don’t want it getting back to the termites. If they really want to find out our future address, they can, but I don’t want to make it easy for them. Especially being so close. As I’ve learned, someone is always connected to someone who’s connected to someone that knows what’s going on with us. However, he says he hasn’t mentioned that we reconnected to his family because he doesn’t want to hear their opinion. That’s good to know since he’s always been quick to share what’s going on with others. Also, I can totally understand where they would give him shit for reconnecting with me since I’ve already dumped him twice.

There were three vehicles next door yesterday but we still don’t know what’s going on with that house. I would assume they’re going to clear it out and sell it. I just hope to hell we get out of here before it sells in case whoever gets it has a motorcycle or other insanely loud vehicle! I totally want to look for a petless park if we do end up in a park because I’m so tired of listening to other people’s dogs. I’ve been doing it ever since I headed out west and I’ve had enough!

This place is beyond annoying. While everything on the ground has quieted down, I still can’t turn off the air cleaner or fan and enjoy peace and quiet because of small planes and helicopters. It’s like mosquitoes buzzing around every 5 minutes or so and it just gets so damn old. My poor ears never get a break! I totally can’t wait to get out of here but we have to get the vaccine first.

Nothing’s happened outside yet but the indoor plants are beginning to sprout!

We packed some more stuff as well. We went through the small bathroom cabinets to pack what we don’t think we’ll need while we’re still here. Plus we sorted through other things. Damn, we’ve got so much shit! Shit, I totally forgot we even had. Didn’t realize we still had sterile pads from when I had ear surgery nearly 30 years ago.

Using a combination of shower gloves along with the salt scrub I recently got has made my skin so much better. It’s so much softer and smoother and way more comfortable overall.

Gathering KU books is becoming increasingly frustrating. I still don’t understand for the life of me why so many mysteries and suspense novels are set in the UK which has so many words and phrases I don’t understand. It seems that most of the ones set in the US you have to pay for and there don’t seem to be nearly as many. I just don’t get this. Why isn’t this genre nearly as popular amongst American writers?

Decided to give up on Novni and the other one since they just aren’t very exciting. Maybe when I want to write something a little more heavy or controversial, I can share it there but for the most part, I’m not getting anything out of it and I can’t tell who my readers are.

SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 2021 Found this really cool site called Novni that someone mentioned on PB. I’m keeping it secret from everyone and I mean everyone, even though I know that if Aly thought to do it, she could Google parts of the journals I send her to see where else they may be that’s public.

What I like about the site is that you can write there anonymously without creating an account. You still have to watch what you say but it’s kind of cool to be able to drop a copy in a place where no one is likely to know me. I can even choose to disable comments if I want but I don’t mind if anyone comments. Not even sure I would be able to find my entries after time much less any comments because I’m not logged in. I suppose I could Google excerpts from my main journals but it’s not that important. I just like dropping a copy of my thoughts and experiences on the world. The only one I mentioned it to was Tom.

I did my own “anonymous writing” search and it looks like there’s another one called Vigyaa. This one even has a view counter. I just have to be careful because there’s no way to edit or delete posts once you publish them.

The only thing that’s almost as bad as being anxious is knowing that it’s only a matter of time before the anxiety returns. Even though the black cohosh tea seems to be helping, I know I won’t even make it a week before it’s back to torment me. Until and if I ever see differently, I have to assume it’s going to be a part of me for the rest of my life and so I must simply try to enjoy the few breaks here and there that I get from it.

It really irritates me, as I told Dr. A in a message earlier, when I’m told different things by different people. I received a voice message from her office reminding me to go to the lab, so I messaged her and told her that I was told after January labs when she was out that there was no need to repeat labs before our April appointment.

Since I had to message her anyway to ask if she wanted me to fast or not, and I’m guessing she does, I also asked if I can be vaccinated when I see her and gave her a heads up about the bupropion backfiring on me. Now I’ll have to wait until Monday to hear from her and probably have to spend many hours hungry as we scramble to fit me in somehow. Totally regret the two levothyroxine skips I made a couple of weeks ago. Especially since I’m not sure they did me any good.

Not gonna ask for an inhaler renewal, not that we should still be here in September when this one expires because I can get Primatene Mist for a lot cheaper. I only need a few puffs a year and hopefully it will stay that way.

Now that more people are being vaccinated and restrictions are being lifted, the commercial planes are back to being annoying night and day. Still not as bad after about 5 p.m. but still, this place is utterly ridiculous.

Also, first I couldn’t stand to be in the living room during the daytime because of the sawing and now I can’t stand it because of the barking. According to Carolyn, the dog Geri used to have died a few years ago. Well, this one’s annoying as fuck. It was fine until the weather warmed up but now she’s leaving it out in the fenced-in area and it gets annoying at times. Since we’ll be out of here soon enough, I’m not going to say anything. Really, though, I didn’t come here for this shit! This is totally NOT what I signed up for and I really hope that if we end up in another park, and I suspect we will, they don’t allow pets or motorcycles.

Ugh, that’s another thing. That motorcycle that sometimes visits in the middle of the night is going to be back anytime now.

Now that we’re close to getting vaccinated, we should get a better sense of what’s going to happen and when as far as the move goes. Things kind of got stalled because of that. We still have quite a bit of prep work to do but we’re slowly working on it.

He’s been spreading mulch around the tree on the corner of our lot but had to order more from Home Depot. While he was at it, he grabbed more plastic bins. We want to pack up stuff we’re not going to need while we’re here. Most of what’s in the desk in the laundry room as well as the hutch can be packed.

Why oh why is it that lately, Nane has been on my mind so much? This person that doesn’t give a shit about me. This person that I never met face-to-face. This person that I only ever knew in cyberspace. This person on the other side of the planet.

I just can’t get this former cyber crush off my mind all of a sudden. Maybe I never completely got over her despite the fact that she turned out to be a real judgmental asshole.

Yet she continues to be a muse for my stories or at least story ideas I mull around in my mind. I still imagine us meeting and different scenarios playing out from there.

Later…

The piggies are now up for adoption! Hope they get great homes real soon!

Going out for an evening walk once the sun starts setting and it cools off a bit. First day I didn’t hear Geri’s mutt but it could have gone off when I wasn’t in that part of the house to hear it. Wouldn’t be surprised if Carolyn mentioned me being annoyed by it to Geri but I can’t see Geri giving a shit either way because that’s just how people are. They’re going to do what they’re going to do and to hell with who it affects.

Had a really weird dream last night that I was about to be executed. At least I think I was even though I wasn’t in jail, so maybe something else was going to kill me. I seemed to be comfortable wherever I was and glad to spend my remaining days there. Yet it was so hard to believe that yes, this would really be the last year of my life.

FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 2021 So much for enjoying our beautiful breezy day in the 70s and having both front and back doors open for a nice cross breeze. Had to shut the doors because of all the fucking hammering going on at the house that never gets finished. My God, I am so fucking sick of living in a virtual workshop! Had to hear Geri’s mutt too.

At least the trash and recycle trucks only woke me up for a second and just once. Really thought they were going to fuck with my sleep enough to leave me tired today. Instead, I’ll be able to enjoy an evening walk later on.

Hoping we’ll both enjoy the $179 vibration exercise platform we just ordered that will arrive Sunday. It’s supposed to be good for both weight loss and muscle toning. The vibration improves joint, pain, and balance issues and intensifies workouts by making the muscles work harder. Also, I guess the vibration breaks up fat cells and stuff like that so I’m hoping it will help me in light of my thyroid issues and not being able to get typical results from traditional diet and exercise alone.

I love how one of the videos I watched it said that 15 minutes of low vibration was the equivalent of an hour of walking. A higher speed was the equivalent of an hour of jogging and even higher was like an hour of running. If doing this for 15 minutes a day on top of what I already do helps, why not? :-)

He did our taxes and we’re getting back $1,100 between both the government and the state.

Feeling really bad for Aly right now who’s suffering big time. Her legs are still swollen, her throat is getting damaged from regular acid reflux, and she’s having trouble breathing. She’s congested too, and the new PCP she saw doesn’t feel comfortable diagnosing her and recommended she go to a cardiologist. Although it seems unlikely, I really hope nothing’s wrong with her heart!

THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 2021 Tom and I were coming back from a walk when we noticed three vehicles, including Nancy’s, parked next door. Since I had to water the cosmos anyway, I hoped I would be able to find out if Virginia was back even though I didn’t see why it would take three cars to bring her home. I remembered the bad feeling I’ve been having about her not returning, and sure enough, I learned that she died last night. I spoke with both Nancy and Virginia’s niece. Or was it Nancy’s niece? Regardless, it’s sad that they’re both gone now, but I’m not surprised because it’s so typical of long-term couples to die within months of each other.

Nancy didn’t say anything about moving in there so I’m guessing it’s going to be on the market soon. Really hope to hell it doesn’t sell before we get out of here, and oh, how I can’t wait! The planes have been just awful, including helicopters.

I let Carolyn in on the news who said they just got home and noticed the cars there.

At least there’s some good news and that’s that everybody in California over 50 can schedule an appointment to get vaccinated as of the first. I’m hoping I can get mine the day I see Doc A on the 6th.

On the way out to Rite Aid, Tom said he’s now 90% sure I’m going to be right about us not taking Candy. I’ve been keeping track of anything I sense or dream. I have a list going. Anyway, he ran the numbers and I guess it would just be too much of a hassle. The hassles would outweigh the cost and he thinks it would be worth it to pay a little more to get something there.

It’s weird because it’s like I get to be a better psychic the older I get yet I’m not a good one at all. Yes, I have a high accuracy rate but it’s never anything important like winning lottery numbers. I don’t know what town or city we’ll end up in. I don’t know the day that we’ll move.

Stephen Hawking predicted one of seven things will end humanity within 200 years, and I’ve had a strong feeling for many years that a nuclear war will wipe out most if not all of humanity in the next 100-150 years. So while I wouldn’t worry if I had kids, I would certainly be worried for their kids.

Got a notice from the park saying they’re opening the clubhouse back up but with restrictions. There can only be so many people in different areas at once. Also, take down your Christmas decorations and your political signs.

That last one irritates me because it reminds me too much of being a teenager and my mother demanding that I clean my room. We’re not children and they’re not our parents. How does it hurt anything? They’re too fucking obsessed with appearance.

While I would never want Trump back, I’m not so sure I like Biden as much anymore. He and Harris are doing exactly what I feared they would do and focusing on minorities. I swear if you’re white you don’t matter anymore! I don’t like the reverse discrimination that’s been running rampant more and more in this country any more than I like the US having to be the designated go-to country for immigrants whenever their own countries go to shit.

It’s a reminder that not every president is all bad and not every president is all good. I hated Trump for his hate for women, Jews, and gays, but he was right to staunch the flow of Muslims and illegals. There aren’t just a few extremists when it comes to Muslims and there aren’t just a few illegals either. The Muslims pose too much of a threat to our safety and illegals burden our already overburdened system and resources.

Also, the so-called “reparations” to blacks really pisses the shit out of me. You can’t “fix” the past and there’s no one left alive that had a hand in slavery anyway. And what about Jews and the GLBT community? Why is it that their hardships don’t matter?

But yeah, the reparations thing is bullshit. That would be like me ripping off a store and someone having to pay for it 100 years later. How fucking ridiculous is that?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2021 I could kick myself for contacting Nane from Tom’s account to warn her about the dream I had! The bitch blocked his account even though I promised never to contact her again unless she contacted me and to please unblock me and contact me on my own account if she wanted to talk to me. First I felt a twinge of anger when I noticed the block and then that turned into envy. Although I’ve certainly toughened up and hardened my heart considerably over the years and wouldn’t take a fraction of the shit I’ve taken in the past, I still wish I could be that unforgiving. Yet I know I would be dumb enough to interact with her if she reached out to me and would probably do the same with Maliheh. I was, however, 98% sure she wouldn’t contact me as I’m over 100% sure Maliheh never will.

I’ve been having these mysterious cramps and I’m pretty sure they’re coming from my uterus. Constipation can cause them but I’m not stuck. Cancer is out of the question because I don’t have other symptoms along with it. No bleeding, no weight loss, or anything like that. Whatever it is, it’s certainly benign but annoying.

Still no pigs up for adoption but one of the rabbits is gone. I just can’t see them putting down the pigs because they weren’t suffering in any way. I’m guessing that if it wasn’t an inside adoption then they’re probably being quarantined and treated for a fungal infection.

He’s out weed-whacking now and they’re still working on that damn house. I don’t think they’re ever going to stop. Ever. I knew it would take weeks but I didn’t expect it to take months. Most of the time I don’t hear them, though. Heard a few seconds of hammering yesterday but that’s it. I’m not in that part of the house much anyway during the daytime because that room is the noisiest.

Now they’re blasting music from one of their vehicles. So fucking rude. And of course, Geri’s mutt is back to going off now that the weather is better. I don’t understand why after all these years she would start throwing the damn thing out there during the daytime. Makes me wonder if she’s been sick or injured and unable to walk the dog. Meanwhile, the stereo at least has no bass so I can stand to open the doors without hearing it in here unless I walk up to one of the doors.

The planter came yesterday and we planted the seeds I hope will start sprouting by tomorrow. I was wrong when I said they include morning glories. Besides the cosmos and zinnias, there are cornflowers.

Just when I thought the offer of a $15 Amazon gift card was a scam by the sleep mask people, I finally received it. I guess I misunderstood or they didn’t make themselves clear enough. I thought they automatically gave that to everyone who left a review but I guess you only have a chance to get one as they do raffles or something like that. After I bitched them out for it, I improved my review and received the gift card. I don’t mind fibbing a little for $15.

He and I were talking about how we have to pee so often these days that if we end up driving across, and there’s still a chance that we might even if it’s looking less likely, we would have to stop constantly, LOL.

He found a Sundae-like company that specializes in manufactured homes on leased lots. So we just have to hope we get an acceptable offer. It’s hard for me to believe things would be that easy for us but we’ll see. I still think we’re going to have to go through a traditional realtor which would take longer, of course. I can never escape the noisier places easily enough. The only place we ever lost was the quietest place we’ve ever lived in. Jesse was runner up and we almost ran out of money there during the recession.

TUESDAY, MARCH 23, 2021 Ugh! No more splitting entries into private and public posts in the same book/account. Way too much of a pain in the ass that way. Much easier being all or nothing where that’s concerned. So back to private stuff in private books and accounts, and public stuff in public books and accounts.

Had some very interesting dreams, one of which makes me wonder if something’s wrong with Nane, but first, damn was that good! He downloaded the McDonald’s app on his phone and we placed our order online. This way we didn’t have to go into the place or deal with drive-thrus where you can barely make out what they’re saying or they have trouble understanding us.

Once we got close to McDonald’s, the app detected we were close and asked if we wanted to pick it up ourselves or have it brought out to us. We chose the curbside option and then I punched in the number of the parking spot we were in.

I got a plain cheeseburger with just ketchup, small fries, Diet Coke, and a hot fudge sundae. Damn were they good even if the fries were a bit salty! I’d been craving something different and since it’s been months since we had fast food, we decided why not!

After I ate, I went out with the magnetic duster and dusted the inside of the car since it was getting kind of dusty in there.

I had mild and brief anxiety yesterday. It started coming on this morning but after getting out and having a cup of black cohosh tea, it backed off. I wonder if either of these things had anything to do with it. I’m sure it will be back, though. My day is still young. Incredibly enough, though, as much as I don’t like it and I never will, I think I’m slowly starting to get used to it. I think that each year that I have it, I’ll get a little more used to it being a way of life just like excessive noise. I don’t like it but it becomes all you know after a while. I know I’ve had a hard time accepting that it will likely be with me for the rest of my life even if no one else thinks so but I think I’m finally getting there. I think it’s finally hitting me that yes, I really am going to struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. It really has become the new me, the older me. It’s untreatable and unavoidable so the best thing I can do is learn to live with it just like I’ve had to do with other things. Just gotta remind myself that it’s just a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Went out to water the cosmos. I don’t see anything sprouting yet but it’s probably too soon. Very windy out there today. Had to be careful not to get too close to the dividing retainer wall, not that my balance has gotten that bad. It’s when I stand next to it, though, that I realize just how much higher we are than Virginia’s place. Like 4 or 5 feet higher. If I fell over the wall, I may very well get hurt.

I know most people wouldn’t agree with this but for whatever it’s worth, I don’t feel any guilt or shame over the fact that I prefer to avoid the mentally ill. No, they can’t help the way they are and I do feel bad for them but that doesn’t mean I should be obligated to associate with any kind of person that puts me at risk of if not actual harm then at least all kinds of headaches. People are picky and choosy about who they have for friends and relationships and that’s OKAY. It’s okay to be discriminative! It’s okay to decide you don’t want someone because they’re not into religion or because they’re slobs or for whatever reason.

So why can’t it be okay to want to avoid the mentally ill? What I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that we have things we tend to like and dislike in other people. I think that’s just human nature to have things we’re drawn to versus things that make us uncomfortable. So what if someone doesn’t like me because I’m short or getting old? That’s okay. There are plenty of other people who don’t mind these things. Better to be around those who accept us as we are than forced to be around people we don’t want to be around.

There are three dreams I remember from last night. The first one only lasted a second. I was picking up the pigs from wherever (they’re still not listed online) and Blitz had grown even more. He was a big boy but in the dream, he had to be close to 10 lb.

Then Tom and I were visiting Old Colony Beach where my family used to go every summer when I was a kid and I was pointing out how it was sad but nice that there were many people on the beach.

Then I spotted some of my mother’s old friends who had cottages near us, one of them being Natalie. First I thought she was this woman that was lying on a blanket on her stomach, propped up on her elbows. When I called out to her, she simply ignored me, never even looking in my direction. But then I spotted Natalie sitting in one of the beach chairs. She looked incredibly old and barely recognizable and didn’t seem to know who I was.

With my track record for dream premonitions and already having dreams pertaining to Nane’s health in the past that came true, I wonder if something is seriously wrong with her lungs or something like that. I just don’t think she’ll be growing all that old. She’s 60 now. For a brief second, I considered warning her through Christiane but then decided against it for two reasons. First, it wouldn’t change anything. Secondly, I tried to move on after I blew off steam at her for being so judgmental but she chose not to, and I’m not about to bother with those that don’t care about me. I don’t hate her and I don’t want her to suffer, but I’m not going to lower myself ever again to try to get someone to change their mind about being friends with me.

In the dream, I ran into Nane somewhere and she told me she had some treatment done for her lungs but I knew it wasn’t any kind of chemo. It was some other treatment that my dream self had heard of and knew to be serious. She said it was the last treatment and as far as what was going to happen next, she didn’t even want to go there.

There was more to the dream but I don’t remember it. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Nane was experiencing health issues right now.

I don’t know, maybe I will mention it to Christiane.

MONDAY, MARCH 22, 2021 I had mild anxiety yesterday. If I have to have this shit at all, I miss being able to go for at least a week or more! But now I can’t even make it more than a couple of days. No anxiety today, though. Maybe he was right in saying yesterday’s anxiety was due to today’s appointment.

Went for a quick walk yesterday but it was too chilly. It was today as well but mostly because it was breezy.

I really, really need to learn to put up with being hungry and throw myself on a diet. No, I don’t give a shit how I look but it would really help my blood pressure and cholesterol, not to mention make yoga and other things easier. So I was thinking about trying the two large meals a day thing again. Yes, I’ll be hungry during the long 8-10-hour haul between meals but I’m afraid that if I don’t do something I’m just going to make a slow steady gain all my life.

Aly decided to surprise me by clicking on my blog link, insisting that since most sites see her IP anyway, she’s not worried about me seeing it on my tracker.

Andy and I are still keeping in touch but we share jokes and pics more than we share words.

We ordered a flower-planting kit for kids that oughta be fun. It comes in an oblong metal tray that you can paint pretty designs on or whatever you want. It comes with the paint, of course. The flowers are morning glories, cosmos, and zinnias.

Also got another diamond painting on the way. It’s a partial drill of a dreamcatcher on a black background. It’s going to look gorgeous when it’s done. Like a real dreamcatcher glued to black canvas. Still have a way to go with the full drill of the dark-haired girl with red flowers but I’m getting there.

Good thing I didn’t cancel my dentist appointment after all because I’m going to make it to this appointment easily that’s in a little while. Just wish I wasn’t tired. I’m not nearly as tired as I was when I saw my ENT but I didn’t sleep very well either. I just hope I don’t have any cavities!

I dreamed that we needed to rent a place for a month here in Cali so we ended up renting this beautiful apartment several floors up in a high-rise for $1,075 a month, not that you could even find a dumpy studio here for that much.

It was a beautiful two-bedroom and amazingly quiet. I expected to hear bumps and bangs from the surrounding apartments, the thumping of bass from someone’s stereo, or voices from a TV, yet I heard nothing.

The place had plush carpet and actually belonged to a somewhat well-known actress who was subleasing it for the month. I liked how the second bedroom had blackout curtains even though there were holes in them, and decided I would sleep in there.

I was amazed by how large the place was and by all the tables, cabinets, and shelves there were, although the sink was weird. It was almost too high for me to reach and the sink itself resembled a wooden tray than anything else. Tom had to help me do the dishes.

There was a door in the middle of the place and when you opened it, you found another door that was some kind of fire escape.

The master bedroom was huge and had many large windows along the exterior wall but I knew it would be tough to sleep in there because there were no window coverings.

I thought of how I would have loved to live there back in the days when I had my own apartment and how I would sleep in the small bedroom and use the large bedroom as a computer and crafts room, not that computers were a regular thing back then.

I looked at a cabinet with glass doors which were mostly empty and could easily visualize my figurines and it. Running along the base of large built-in shelves, I could imagine my collector’s dolls lined up along it.

In reality, I wish I could believe we’d end up in a place we both absolutely love and that we’d never want to move again but I’m not stupid. At my age, I’ve learned what’s in my cards and what’s not. It’ll be a dumpy little place with no real space or privacy around it, no interesting view, and will still be noisy even if it may not be as bad as this place. There won’t be anything cozy or inviting about it.

OMG, last night the loudest helicopter I’ve ever heard sailed over this place and I was so glad I was still awake because it would have woken me up even with Alexa blasting nature sounds as she was. I first thought it was a motorcycle, that’s how loud it was. Long after it had passed over the house, I could still feel the house vibrating.

I put a hold on this entry for a few hours because I ran out of time before my appointment. The appointment went well even though we had to pay $217. No cavities! A very chatty woman cleaned me up nicely and I hope to be out of here by the time my September appointment rolls around.

I’m starting to wonder about that even more because we now have a tough dilemma ahead of us. There’s a good chance he may be able to get a huge paying job and I mean huge. Not quite 6 figures but it would be a ton of money. Had a feeling this would happen too. We’re making more now than he was working but this would be even more than what we’re getting now. The problem is that it’s a 5-month contract without any guarantee of being permanent. Even in just 5 months, the extra money would help but leaving in the winter would be a shitty time to leave because the vacation rentals would be much more expensive. It’s just not the time of year we want to get there. We want to get there in the dead of summer so we can know sooner rather than later as to whether or not one or both of us find we can’t handle the climate well.

If he were to be hired on and worked until he was full retirement age, that would be a ton of money and would definitely open up our options as to where we could go but neither of us wants to be here for that much longer, not to mention the fact that it would bother us to have ended up rehoming the pigs for nothing.

He’s a very heavy sleeper so he’s not nearly as noise-sensitive as I am even when he sleeps during the daytime as he sometimes does. But for me, sleeping so close to traffic for another few years does not sit well with me at all.

Again, there would be no guarantees it would be for more than 5 months and they may not want to hire someone his age.

SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2021 Yesterday we removed the cage and put it in the storeroom. It’s weirdly quiet and sad not seeing the pigs where it was but it’s definitely a lot cleaner and better smelling!

We also planted the cosmos. Been hearing a lot more barking lately between Santa’s dogs, Geri leaving her mutt outside in the fenced area more often, and that thing down the other street.

Indoor pets only, people, indoor pets only! Seriously, if they wanted to leave their dogs outside, they shouldn’t have moved here. At least they’re not out overnight as far as I know.

I’ve been checking the Small Animals section of the Sacramento SPCA and the pigs haven’t shown up. I wonder what that could mean. I know that if they don’t show up it doesn’t necessarily mean they were put down since it could have been an inside adoption. If someone who works there has a kid or knows someone else who may want them, then they wouldn’t show up. But they had half a day to prepare them for adoption and I can kind of see where they may want to take extra time to groom Rockefeller, but I don’t see that there would be any delays with Blitz.

SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 2021 Oh my God, Aly is so predictable! My suspicions were correct. Not only did I suspect that she was hiding her address and info about Cam from me, assuming he truly exists, but she’s also afraid to show up on my visitor tracker for some reason.

Yesterday I sent her a link to the recipe I added to my Recipe book and asked if she thought it would be too complicated and then I thought to myself watch, she’s going to skip a day of checking in or tell me some horrible thing happened to her, she’s out of it, and she’s very sorry if she missed any questions as a way of avoiding clicking on the link.

Again I can’t help but wonder…just what is it that she’s hiding and why?!

She avoided checking in all day yesterday (no doubt in hopes of me forgetting that I asked her to check out the recipe) but was quick to tweet on her other account, “Get to know your neighbors. You never know when you’ll need them or they’ll need you.”

So later on I’ll get the sorry-I-missed-any-questions thing but I’ll be sure to remind her about it anyway. She knows she could disable tracking and still check it out but I’m guessing she doesn’t want to disable it for some reason. Or it could be that she does have it disabled so she can compare what I share with others and wouldn’t want me to wonder why she doesn’t show up on my visitor report. But I would think that would be a simple click to turn back on just long enough to check out the recipe. Whatever it is, she’s definitely afraid to share her address and IP with me and I wonder why.

When I ask her if she feels confident enough that she’ll be sticking around to give me her address so I can mail her birthday present to her (after she mentioned “signs” saying Cam’s the one) or if she’s still plagued with enough doubts that I should send it to her parents’, I’m going to really be suspicious when she tells me it’s “easier” for me to send it to her parents’.

I definitely won’t give her our future address either, even though she could look it up. It’s just that if someone doesn’t trust me, I find it very hard to trust them. Really, how is it “easier” even if it is on the way home from work? You have to stop, get out of the car, then go get it. If it’s delivered to your door you don’t have to make the extra stop, on the way or not. So unless it came on a day when she was going to stop by anyway, I don’t see the “easier” in that one.

I don’t understand why my ear is bugging me again either. It felt so much better after she cleaned it but now it’s aching and I’m left to wonder the same damn thing… Is it the ear or TMJ? Probably TMJ. Been slacking off on sleeping with my mouth guard so maybe I need to go back to that regularly. And to do the exercises recommended for that.

So yesterday was a sad yet productive day. Took over half an hour to get to the SPCA. Slow drivers weren’t too annoying but the fucking car stereos sure were. Every single light we stopped at we had to sit and listen to the thump of bass. Might as well get used to it though because Florida is going to be worse being the warmer climate that it is. More motorcycles there too.

Unlike rats, the guinea pigs didn’t enjoy the road trip at all. Once we got there, a young woman came out and took them inside and placed them in a temporary crate. She said they wouldn’t be able to provide status updates but that they would be moved to a cage of their own and that if everything was okay when they were checked out, they would be put up for adoption right away. I’ll check their Small Animals section on their website and see if they show up. Right now, all I see are 4 rabbits up for adoption.

The girl made things a little easier by taking their supplies and the cage too, so at least some things won’t go to waste. It would be cool if one of the pigs was adopted in the cage so at least that much would be familiar to them even though they’ve been living in the rat cage for quite a while. Still, if some other animal could use it, great. Goodwill would have taken it but this makes things a little easier on us this way.

It’s so weird not hearing Rockefeller’s screaming or at least his incessant chatter when I go out in the living room or kitchen. Also, glancing over at the cage and seeing it so empty. The cage will be stored in the shed later to wait for the next bulk pickup.

Almost ran out of charge on the way back because we left the car running while we were turning over the pigs. We got back with 3 miles to spare. Then he immediately gave it some juice in case we suddenly had to go somewhere and then put it back on its timer to charge after midnight when it’s cheaper.

The best part of yesterday was that despite the sadness of having to surrender the pigs, I didn’t feel even the slightest hint of anxiety. :-) A delayed reaction from the pill skips? The black cohosh tea? Something else? I’m just loving it while it lasts because I know the anxiety will eventually return to haunt me. It always does. I would have to go over half a year before I could even begin to think that maybe it was done torturing me.

I got to treat myself with $30 of free Uber Eats credit yesterday and some Chinese food I had delivered. Took an hour and a half to get here since they were having trouble finding a driver which was kind of ridiculous. But over the next few days (since they give you so much), I’ll be enjoying fried crab meat cheese wontons, egg drop soup, Peking ribs, and egg fried rice. He hates Chinese, so it’s all for me.

Another good thing is that this is the third day in a row that I slept well and didn’t wake up exhausted. We haven’t planted the cosmos yet so I guess we’ll be doing that later on. Tom left me a message saying he woke up for a while so he may sleep in. Guess it’s his turn to experience sleeping in chunks. Only he’s tougher than me. I doubt he’ll be nearly as exhausted as it makes me.

I know I’ve been having a lot of dreams but they’re never enough to be able to put into words. Oh well.

I don’t think I’m going to continue with coloring shampoo because it just doesn’t cover the gray well and is hard to distribute evenly because the stuff is so thick compared to traditional permanent dye. I love how soft it makes my hair but since I’m probably going to keep my hair to my shoulders, I can afford to fry it a bit with dye since I’ll be trimming it regularly, every 6 months or so.

Been on a drilling frenzy and have gotten a lot of the diamond painting I’ve been working on done over the last few days. The more energy I have, the more I do.

While it’s easy for me to be pissed that we’re late with getting the house on the market, I also realize how very important getting vaccinated is before we hop on a plane and go anywhere. We both registered online and he thought he would be able to get vaccinated sooner for being obese but he’s not fat enough, according to him, lol. His BMI is 37 and it would have to be at least 40 to be bumped up sooner. So he’s a big boy but not quite big enough, and of course I’m nowhere near getting bumped up and not even my types of AIs qualify me to get in sooner. I just hope Biden is correct in saying everyone in the country will be vaccinated by May, that it’s effective, and that we don’t suffer any scary side effects from it.

Looks like I got my wish where Virginia’s concerned. She’s not back yet but I’ve always hated it when they leave their garage lights on because the one closest to us is annoying when I walk into the kitchen. It’s right at eye level and goes right through the lace valance in the window easily. The other day I was wishing they would burn out or at least the one closest to us would, and that’s exactly what happened. When I first went into the kitchen when I got up, I thought she was back and the single light I was seeing was actually coming from the kitchen window but nope. The light closest to us burned out.

THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2021 Yesterday I was so damn tired due to having my sleep broken up into chunks and all I could think was that I hope to hell I’m not that tired on moving day. I could barely keep my head up and even my legs felt weak to stand on. A nap didn’t help either and I was still exhausted by the time I saw my ENT.

The good news is that as soon as she cleaned out my ear, which had gotten pretty bad this time around, I felt tremendously better. Even ibuprofen wasn’t helping with how achy it was. We agree that 8 months is too long and so she wants to see me in 3 months before we leave. Hopefully right before we leave anyway. I did remind her that there could be delays and we might have to flip the house ourselves but I sure hope not! She also offered to gather my records for me which would be nice. Got a little teary-eyed on her due to all the stress I’ve been under with the virus, the move, etc. and she was very understanding.

She reminded me that if I ever don’t like the way my ear looks with the way the cartilage is withering away on the outside since the “frame” collapsed when they took out the plastic piece, I could always look into prosthesis. Yeah, but my comfort is more important than how I look. I was really excited about the idea of it at first and being able to wear earrings again but when she started talking screws in the skull, I said forget it! Anyone who doesn’t like it is welcome not to look even though my hair covers it for the most part. If I were in my twenties I might consider it but not as a 55-year-old married woman who doesn’t give a shit what others think for the most part.

Anyway, I got caught up on my sleep and slept for 8 hours and 47 minutes with a sleep score of 90. Wish I could do that every day but I know myself. Next time around I’ll be up forever, wake up after a few hours of sleep, take an hour or two to fall back asleep, sleep for another few hours, then wake up exhausted. I don’t even perk up after a few hours anymore. If I wake up tired, that’s the way I stay until I can eventually catch up on sleep. I hate the way lack of sleep has become so hard on me to the point that it’s damn near debilitating.

Anxiety was mild yesterday and it’s mild so far today as well but who knows what I’ll be in for later on in my day.

Virginia must have gotten an offer on her house that she turned down because we got a card that was addressed to her although not her name, saying that the offer is still good if she’s willing to reconsider or something like that.

I’m not the least bit surprised. Broken hip or not, she’s coming up on 88 years old so I definitely can’t see her carrying on by herself in her own home. She’s definitely going to need to stay with someone from here on out. If not one of her kids, then an assisted living facility of some kind.

When we got back yesterday, I was like oh fuck! They were back to their tree-cutting obsession. But luckily, it was just a small dead tree that didn’t take long to cut down in front of Virginia’s place. Her place blocked most of the sound. I could hear the saw without things running, but they wouldn’t have woken me up over the sound machine if I had been asleep at the time. I just hope they can stay out of the roads before we get out of here!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2021 Here we go with the sleeping in chunks again. Slept for a few hours and was up for a few hours before I got a few more hours of sleep which barely totaled 6 hours. It took me a while to decide whether or not I wanted to take a chance of going to the doctor after being up forever after just a few hours of sleep or to take the Benadryl and know I would be groggy when I woke up but at least I would have gotten more sleep. So I took Benadryl. I was so exhausted when I got up that I ended up napping for almost two hours after I ate, showered, and did my nails.

I just can’t perk up later in my day after sleeping shitty like I could in my younger days. The only thing that can refresh me is whenever the hell I can manage to get decent sleep and sleep straight through without doing much more than having to get up to pee and being able to fall back asleep afterward.

I hope the guy who came to our door yesterday without a mask to return mail to us that was accidentally placed in his box wasn’t a “carnivore.” I don’t know exactly who it was because I just wanted to take the mail, thank him, and be done with it, but I suspect it might have been the saw cock. He did head off in that direction, but I couldn’t tell exactly where he headed once he rounded the hedges in front. The guy was skinny, and Tom describes him as a “little old man.”

The SPCA got back to us and the pigs will be surrendered Friday morning. Again, I’ve got mixed emotions about that. I’ll miss their chatter and cuteness but I’m otherwise sick of them. Too smelly, too messy, too costly. Hopefully, they’ll get a wonderful new home not that they didn’t live like kings here. We definitely spoiled these guys so I’m a little worried they won’t have the luxuries they’re used to, but I know animals do adapt a hell of a lot better than people do. We humans whine and complain and are dragged through most change kicking and screaming but animals tend to just roll with the flow.

For just a few bucks we ordered some pink cosmos seeds. I’ve always loved those along with tulips, gerberas, and others. Don’t know if we’ll still be here when they bloom since it can take a few months, but for the most part, we’re just curious to see what may happen here. If we can grow them easily enough here, we can certainly grow them in Florida. I like the idea of growing flowers and veggies there but then that would just be more work for us to have to maintain so we’ll see.

My day started off borderline anxious but ended on a much calmer note so that much is good. I still can’t say if the two days I skipped my meds have anything to do with it because I did a double skip before that didn’t do me any good. These days I’m leaning toward thinking no, the med isn’t responsible for the adrenaline that stabs me in the chest in waves. The initial booming heart and shit like that, yes, but not what I’ve been going through the last half a decade with the butterflies in my chest kind of feeling.

Seeing my ENT in a few hours.

Kim was kicked out of prison yesterday after a 3.5-year stint. Let’s see if she can make it a year before she’s back in custody. I really think she actually likes being incarcerated.

TUESDAY, MARCH 16, 2021 I was finally able to sleep straight through, yes! The black cohosh seems to be helping with the hot flashes. I didn’t even need to sleep with the fan on. Still can’t say whether or not it’s going to help with anxiety. Last night I was definitely more depressed and anxious. I listened to some music, older and newer. I imagined us happily boarding a plane and getting the fuck out of here. Tears of happy anticipation came to my eyes so I can just imagine how I’ll be in real life when that day comes. Still no guarantees we’re going out of here by plane but that’s what my vibes and dreams have suggested. Also, the number 83 has been coming to mind lately. Will we get 83k for this house? Buy a house built in 1983 like this one? I have mixed emotions about that one. I’m tired of old crap and I really would love something from this millennium, but the older it is, the easier it would be to gut it to soundproof it.

After my music session, I traded in shitty emotions for pain, and believe me when I say I would rather take the pain! It started off with that pain in the upper right side of my stomach that I’ve had before and that I assume is due to a lack of fiber. Even though I had plenty of fiber yesterday, it didn’t stop right away. Then I had pain in the center of my chest before it returned to my side. Maybe just stress or pulled muscles? Only I hadn’t exercised in a few days and I’m naturally muscular, fat or not. My muscles don’t break down easily. I’ve got another decade or so before they start doing that.

This is the second and last day I’m skipping my medication and again, the medication as a culprit still makes sense and doesn’t make sense. How I do later on in my day is going to influence my opinion on that. I mean, it makes sense for obvious reasons but then why isn’t the anxiety consistent if it’s the medication? Why wouldn’t it happen every time I took it? Instead of going days or even weeks between anxious spells, I’ve been worse ever since January 27th when I first felt it coming on with only a few days off since then. Yet I made several skips along the way, so I don’t know what to think. I just had to do something and give it a try, but I’ll start it back up again tomorrow.

Just for kicks, I looked up items considered to bring bad luck, and right off the bat I get a broken or stopped clock. Well, right behind me in a box headed for Goodwill, is a stopped clock.

Then I get mirrors facing the bed. Well, the mirror is on the side of the bed but it’s huge. It’s the closet doors so it runs from the floor almost to the ceiling.

Then I get rocking chairs and sure enough, there’s a small old rocking chair that was left behind that’s also in my bedroom.

Unmade bed was another thing that came up and I never make my bed. Well, rarely, anyway.

Next up was green paint. Funny because the bedroom walls are mint green.

Old brooms, open umbrellas, outdated calendars, axes, hoes, taxidermy, and dying plants were also on the list, among a few other things. Well, there was an old broom that was left here, and I’ve had issues for a while with bamboo plants dying.

I don’t know if there’s any truth to this or if it’s just silly superstition, but it definitely makes me wonder when you’ve nailed nearly half a dozen no-nos all in one room, the room I spend most of my time in since my desk is in here because it’s noisier in the living room.

Desks are one of the things along with pets, electronics, and several other things they recommend keeping out of bedrooms for better sleep. They should add not sleeping just a few feet from busy streets.

Not liking this cold spell we’ve been having. We should be starting to need the AC in the afternoons, not waking up to reports of frost warnings.

MONDAY, MARCH 15, 2021 Yesterday I was anxious for 4 hours instead of 9 which is an improvement but still sucks big time. Just 4 minutes of it is horrible.

I would really, really love to know just how much anxiety I would have felt these last 7 years if I’d never been on the poison that I decided to skip today. Part of me wants to quit for a couple of months and see how I do but not here in the cold weather. If I’m going to quit for a while to see if it changes anything, I want to wait until the dead of summer in Florida. Then again, I quit from August to December of 2014 and I don’t think I was much better. So I’m still not sure what to think of the med. It both makes sense and it doesn’t.

I wasn’t as bad as a couple of days ago but wasn’t great either. Had mild anxiety and depression. My appetite is still low and I’m still nowhere near as productive as I’d like to be. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between possible culprits…low thyroid, hormones, medication, things going on in life, bad energy in this area…and I just don’t know what to think or believe anymore.

Not sure if the tea is going to help.

I have mixed emotions about my appetite being down. Sure, I could afford to lose a little weight. But my appetite being down means I don’t feel well and therefore a part of me misses my appetite and looking forward to enjoying whatever meals I had planned for the day. No matter what we weigh, eating is one of life’s greatest pleasures and I definitely haven’t been doing as much of that. Maybe some of the bupropion is still in my system. I thought my appetite was back yesterday. I felt hungry so I started happily shoveling my fish dinner down but before I could finish, I felt like I might be sick.

Partly thanks to daylight savings, I got up a lot later today. Really getting sick of sleeping in chunks! No one woke me up today, but I woke up a few hours into my sleep and had trouble getting back to sleep. When I finally did, I didn’t get up until after 10 p.m. His schedule program factors in daylight savings so I’m still on track. It seems I’m always tired, anxious, or both. When I’m not anxious, I’m anxious about becoming anxious. I’m mostly calm now but I know it won’t last. Somewhere around 6-ish, the anxiety will start picking up and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it but wait out the storm.

Starting to wonder if Virginia is ever going to come home. It’s been almost a month now. At least it’s good to know that if she does put the house up for sale soon, she can’t get out of here any faster than we can.

Forgot to mention that the black bitch in Arizona doesn’t seem to have a Facebook account anymore. If you insert someone’s name in the blocking option under Blocking, you can see accounts that have blocked you. But I didn’t see hers at all. Even so, I searched her name and blocked everyone with that name or a variation of it.

I’m really surprised she would dump her account. I mean I’m sure she’s still around under a bogus name, but I’m surprised she dumped her account and blocked me before she did. I would think she’d want me to contact her so she could have a better chance of screwing me again. Maybe she just gave up hope and blocked me so I at least couldn’t see her friends but who knows? Only the fucking bitch knows.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 2021 Yesterday was the fourth day in a row of disrupted sleep. It was a fucking motorcycle this time around. OMG, I cannot wait to get out of here! But due to my not feeling well, we’ve been delayed. I knew we would be too. So I’ve resolved to really push it whenever possible. I know my schedule is part of the delay and we can’t do things like switch out windows at night, but I want us to do as much as possible as fast as possible. I want to work as if they’ll throw us in jail if we don’t! I can’t know how much of this place is playing on my anxiety until we get moved but I can definitely say that getting a bedroom that we soundproof or that’s at least further from the street, and one that’s less traveled, will definitely help.

We’re going to tackle the laundry room floor which is still filthy and a bit sticky as well as the master bedroom closet where I stupidly tried to stick extra floor tiles on the walls to try to brighten it up and make the clothes and other items stand out better against the dark paneling.

I’ve been dreading the onslaught of the motorcycle season and knew it would be anytime now. They’ll be a problem until late fall and of course year-round in Florida. Yes, the damn things are going to be an issue for the rest of my life no doubt. However, I may get a break tomorrow because we’re supposed to have another cool spell and rain.

Yesterday was shitty because I was anxious for the first 9 hours of my day. I was fine for the rest of it, especially after reading something that gave me a spark of hope. I was on a health site looking at the typical symptoms for perimenopause vs. menopause and I liked how anxiety was listed under menopause and how it said you could still experience some of those symptoms starting in perimenopause. Maybe the fact that my anxiety worsened one month shy of my one-year anniversary of being period-free wasn’t a coincidence after all. Not to get my hopes up too much but honestly, hope is all I’ve got.

The black cohosh tea came today and doesn’t taste bad at all not that I wouldn’t drink something that tasted like dogshit if it would help keep me calmer. The only thing is that the tea leaves tend to escape through where the halves of the ball strainer meet. Turned out to be no big deal, though, because the leaves mostly sink down to the bottom of the mug. No idea yet if it’s going to help with anything. I’m planning on drinking a cup early in my day and another one at the end of it.

I’m in the middle of my day now so I expect my mood to go downhill anytime now.

Today is wine day. I decided Saturdays would be when I had my one glass of wine, so I’m enjoying some white Zinfandel that’s actually a pretty shade of pink.

The SPCA emailed Tom to ask if we still want to get rid of the guinea pigs, so we’re thinking they might go next week.

I finished the laundry and I’m going to try to catch up on my story writing at some point during the night. I just haven’t been able to focus on it due to how shitty I’ve been feeling. I should work out too, but I just don’t have the energy.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13, 2021 Still recovering and still not feeling all that great. I still have some muscle weakness, chest pain, and anxiety, of course.

Exchanged messages with Kim on Facebook yesterday and she said she’s been taking black cohosh supplements that have helped with her hot flashes and she also found it to help her mentally as well. I’m a little more willing to experiment with something OTC as opposed to harsh chemical prescriptions even though I still have a feeling I’m not meant to find what works for me. Nonetheless, I figured it couldn’t hurt to try some in the form of tea. It’s loose tea, so since I don’t have a diffuser, I got one of those mesh ball tea strainers you put loose tea in and dunk into your mug as you would a regular tea bag.

When she mentioned black cohosh, she said she did a lot of research on it and I also remembered that along with evening primrose, Stacey recommended these things in 2016. I just never bothered to try them, figuring they wouldn’t do me any good. Yet I also ordered some evening primrose teabags but they won’t be here for a while.

I’m just sick of feeling like shit day after day! I’ve been sitting here asking myself what the fuck I ever did to deserve so much suffering for so long but I’m clueless. No, I’m not a perfect person but funny how there are people out there who are pure evil that never suffered nearly to the degree I have.

Wacky hormones or not, I know being here doesn’t help. This place is nothing but planes, helicopters, traffic, and a roaring freeway that really grates on my nerves. On top of not knowing what type of projects are going to break out around me to either disturb my sleep or drive me crazy.

There’s only so much more time I can live with this. If things don’t improve after moving to Florida, I’m definitely going to kill myself. I can’t keep suffering like this. This is just way too extreme and way too often. I don’t understand why the fuck I would get so much worse all of a sudden but I can only take so much more of this shit. He still feels confident that once I’m postmenopausal and out of here and settled, I’ll be better. I asked him how he can be sure my brain didn’t “break” in some way, making this permanent, and he swears brains don’t just do that as far as suddenly up and developing some intense kind of anxiety disorder, and also feels confident because of things that have been present during the time I’ve been anxious. I wish to hell I could believe him but I have no reason not to think I’m totally hopeless. I fear I’m going to be anxious every single day if not close enough to it until I put an end to it, and death will be the only way out.

The thyroid med is making less sense even though it’s still quite a coincidence then I get anxious a week after a brand change. So yeah, it’s got to come down to hormones, the anticipation of the move, and/or me suddenly developing a permanent disorder that can’t be undone. I just hope he’s right in saying that the anxiety will one day manifest itself differently as it has in the past. Well, the type of anxiety I experienced due to something bad going on like when we were facing homelessness was definitely easier on me, as rough as it still was, than this shit has been. The worst anything would do to me in the past was disrupt my sleep and maybe give me the runs.

Years ago I would find staying up all night exciting and fun. We’re both up now and I would feel like we were on some exciting, secret mission while the rest of the world slept. Instead, I just feel anxious, frustrated, hopeless, and impatient as hell.

The fucking garbage and recycle trucks woke me up twice but I was so tired that I did manage to fall back asleep fairly quickly. I had a shitty dream involving Aly visiting me.

After I fell asleep in the dream, she decided it would be a great idea to wake me up by playfully tackling me. She startled me awake which pissed the shit out of me but I couldn’t get up off the bed as she playfully hit me because my arm was pinned under my body and I just couldn’t get leverage. It was causing excruciating pain in my shoulder and I kept telling her to back off and that my shoulder was hurting really bad!

When I was finally able to get up, I told her to pack her shit and get the fuck out.

Because I was so exhausted, I fell back asleep. When I woke up and she was gone, I sat down by my computer and found that none of the desktop icons, which mostly had my journals and stories, would work any more than anything did when I clicked things on my browser toolbar. Instead, all I got was a series of random numbers, and I knew immediately that she had hacked and sabotaged my computer. The realization that she had all my passwords and that I had no way to access the list of them since each site was different with long complex passwords I could never remember, made me feel helpless and infuriated, not that I can imagine her ever doing such a thing in real life!

FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2021 Bupropion (Wellbutrin) has backfired on me worse than Prozac did in some ways, and while I hate to say it, I can totally see where some may see death as a bit appealing as opposed to non-stop suffering since we can only take so much, not that I’m ready to go there or anything like that. I just want to get the fuck out of here and get postmenopausal! Then I can re-evaluate.

I’ve experienced a ton of shit on this NDRI…muscle weakness, sleep issues, shakiness, fatigue, facial tingling, constipation, moodiness (agitation/anxiety/crying), a panicky feeling when I took my 5th and final dose, slight chest pain, weird feeling in my mouth, worse ADD and ability to focus, and the only good one…a lack of appetite. I only ate 1000 calories which is my sweet spot for weight loss. On days I feel well, I typically have around 1300-1500.

Not much dizziness but my ear rang once, also side effects. I swear I will never take any additional medication ever again! My doctor could tell me I would die without whatever and fine, I gotta go someday anyway. The answer would be NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

Sometimes I wonder if this house is cursed. Don’t know if I believe in that sort of thing but it’s like there’s some kind of bad energy here. It’s kind of ironic that even though it took a year, just one day before our one-year anniversary of being in this house I do nothing but suffer.

I Googled this strange phenomenon and have found that many others claim to have had worse luck than usual in certain houses because it isn’t so much that the house is cursed or that it has bad karma as opposed to just bad energy. AND I happen to be about 600 feet away from a huge cemetery. We were fairly close to a cemetery and one of the places we lived in up in Oregon as well, but that cemetery had more between it and us and there were hundreds of people buried there, not over 4,000. If the previous two owners of this place suffered in any way and are connected to my own suffering, then I feel really bad for whoever gets this place next!

But what do you do? Find every previous owner of the house you may want to buy next and ask, “On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you say your degree of suffering has been in this place?”

I just miss true calmness and happiness without the medical drama, both physical and emotional. My past problems seem like nothing in comparison. I swear I would go back to the days of being crammed into that pesky landlord’s tiny dumpy trailer broke as hell to feel like my old self before I would continue on this way with lots of money. Hell, I’d gain 50 lbs to end this shit!

I know that being on lockdown hasn’t helped my mental health. It may be the safest and the smartest thing to do, but even if you’re the homebody we are, you can still miss getting out more often even if it’s just to run some mundane errands. But with him being older and me having AI diseases, it’s not worth the risk till we’re vaccinated.

I haven’t done much today due to feeling so bad other than changing the pigs’ cages, but last night we went through the file box to decide what papers to keep, what to do, and what goes with the house.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 2021 At the end of my day yesterday, his stomach and my anxiety suddenly improved. I was so relieved to be feeling better that I went from wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up to not wanting to go to bed so I could enjoy feeling better which is becoming a rare occurrence these days, unfortunately.

When I did fall asleep, fucking traffic woke me up just three hours later and I had trouble falling back asleep. When I finally did over an hour later, I slept for a couple more hours and then a ferociously loud boom of thunder woke me up. Like the kind you’d hear in Arizona. A very rare occurrence here. Yet it rained and thundered like a monsoon storm. Lost power for a second as well.

So after five hours of sleep, I’ve been tired. I lay in the dark with my eyes closed for a while and that seemed to help energize me enough to do some cooking for him, take a shower, return messages, and even do the Epley Maneuver. I’ll get into that in a minute.

Haven’t heard back from Doc A yet but I’ve decided to skip what would have been my 5th dose because I just don’t think the face and lip-tingling were good. I can see constipation, dry mouth, and a little bit of insomnia as being normal and acceptable side effects but not the tingling I was having. Damn, do I miss the days when I could take medications with little more than just some jitteriness or insomnia! Now I get all kinds of horrible side effects.

Anyway, I finally decided to do some research and found that Bupropion is really Wellbutrin. I forget that they have their brand names. Like how Levothyroxine is Synthroid, and Lorazepam is Ativan. When I found out what it was, I immediately remembered Marie and how she told me she had to pull back and recharge for a while because the stuff made her very angry and she cried a lot. She also said something about a DNA test that showed she shouldn’t be given that, whatever that meant. Not going to contact her even if she unblocks me because I’ve definitely learned my lesson as far as people go that I thought changed due to wishful thinking or that insist they’re “not like that” anymore.

I didn’t mind being stuck for those two days I was stuck, and I loved how it lessened my appetite and started to knock some weight off of me but it’s definitely not worth the tingling, especially since I don’t know if it could get worse and become dangerous at any point or not.

I also began to have doubts as to whether or not it would really help me after the two weeks were up because yesterday I was pretty agitated and even more anxious. Agitation is listed as another side effect, though.

Other than frustrating memory issues which I worry are just as frustrating for others as they are for me, I’m feeling better today. So far. I wouldn’t be surprised if by midnight I was feeling like shit again.

It’s a long shot but I may be onto something else. Well, I’ve had BPPV for a while now when I move my head in certain directions. That thing where your ear crystals get out of place and cause a few seconds of vertigo when your head is in certain positions. So I Googled to see if there could be a connection to anxiety and it seems that yes, there could be. So following a video on YouTube, I went through the Epley Maneuver that I did a while back which worked for me, and it’s already fixed my vertigo. They recommend doing it twice a day until you’ve gone three consecutive days without vertigo. So I’ll do it again at the end of my day. It will be interesting to see if my anxiety happens to back off at the same time. However, I really do still feel pretty hopeless in general and like this is an untreatable life sentence. I don’t know if there’s something up there that hates me enough not to want anything to help me or if it’s just random chance but that’s just how I feel. I feel like I’m going to have to either learn to live with it and enjoy the good moments or kill myself, and if I opt for the latter, I definitely don’t want to do that until I’ve had a chance to enjoy Florida for a while.

I don’t remember exactly what it was about but when traffic woke me up, it seems like I was having a negative dream that may have been connected to medication. That’s no surprise, though. Then I had some dream about a cab driver stalking me.

I reached for the sleep mask after being woken up, but it said it was pairing. I fucking hate it when things come unpaired!

Doc A just replied saying to please give it some more time for the symptoms to go away, maybe 1 or 2 weeks.

Okay, tomorrow I guess I’ll proceed with dose #5 and lose more weight while hoping for the best! At least it’s out of my system in 24 hours and not months.

TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2021 The 3 traits I like best in a person are honesty, a sense of humor, and intelligence. Anyone who knows me knows I hate lying but I realize I’m kind of doing that to myself when I do the chant Stacey taught me to do along with the tapping. I’m supposed to say, “I hate this anxiety but I still love and accept myself.”

Well, the truth is that I like myself but don’t exactly love myself. And accept myself? There’s no fucking way I could accept this anxiety for the rest of my life. If it doesn’t back off in a year or two, I’m going to have to make the toughest decision of my life and that’s either except that I may be doomed to suffer for the rest of it or end it all. I really, really still hope that it’s not mostly tied in with the Levothyroxine! Damn, do I hope it is the hormones!

Took the fourth dose when I got up and the tingling is back. Didn’t have it yesterday. I don’t know why it’s every other day. Haven’t yet been really cold today either like I’ve been getting lately.

I had some anxiety at the end of my day yesterday but not as much as the day before. Had more today, though. I’m at the critical point now where if this medication is going to backfire on me, it should happen within the next few doses or so and I’m afraid that’s what it’s going to do. I’m not sure what would be worse…the shit backfiring on me enough to have to stop it, or for the side effects to go away but not the anxiety.

Read some more of my 2015 journal. When I took Prozac, I mentioned getting facial tingling then as well along with a horrible sore throat. I forgot about that! Please tell me a sore throat isn’t next! I totally feel like something wants me to be anxious and doesn’t want me to figure out how to treat it.

Messaged Doc A and asked about the tingling. I don’t know if it’s something I should be concerned about or that will go away on its own.

Agitation is another common side effect Tom read about and I’m definitely agitated at the moment. Stopping alcohol can also do this and I realize that when I do start drinking again, I shouldn’t drink every day but more like once or twice a week. Either way, I still have serious doubts about this medication helping me. Ugh, I just wish this shit would stop so I can focus on the move!

We measured a section in the living room that’s approximately the size of one of the two moving pods we’re getting and are stacking totes to get a sense of the best way to pack them and how much they will hold.

Got my sleep mask the other day and it’s definitely not something I’m going to use every time I sleep. It’s too bulky and can be a little uncomfortable in certain positions. It will be great for hotels, though, and things like that to help drown out his snoring. I paired it with Alexa.

Tom has been sick these last few days and we’re not sure why. He’s had the runs and lung tightness as I mentioned yesterday. His lungs are better but his stomach is still a little funky. He envies that I’ve been stuck.

Been exchanging messages and funny memes with Andy but I don’t want to go back and forth 50 million times a day like we used to, so I’m waiting until he crashes. Or until I at least think he has. The guy never sleeps. He crashes late and he gets up early.

So he is still in the same condo he got from his mother and the Asian couple is still in the condo next door that used to be his mother’s. He said that ever since the son moved out and went to college, it’s been quiet over there and considers it his forever home.

I was thrilled for him when he told me that he’s been so much happier since he quit the pot and never thought he’d be so happy this late in life, but he is indeed very happy.

I envy him! Really hope I’m compensated one day in the emotional department as we were in the financial department after years and years of struggling. I really believed we would be dirt poor all our lives yet I was wrong so I’m hoping I’m wrong about thinking the anxiety is untreatable and won’t ever go away on its own. Tom says with confidence that he’s sure it will go away and he just knows it will and all that, especially once we get rid of the unknown and we know where we’re going to be and all that. Plus, my hormones are going to continue to change over the next year or two.

If there’s one thing I miss about my childhood it’s being able to automatically believe whatever I’m told. Now the best I can do is just hope to hell he’s right!

I don’t know why but Facebook no longer allows you to block people that have blocked you. It’s a good thing I learned that when I unblocked Maliheh to see if she unblocked me (she didn’t as I figured) so that I know not to unblock Lisa to see if she’s unblocked me since I couldn’t reblock her.

Watching a movie about the Menendez brothers on LMC. If the father really molested the boys and the mother looked the other way, then the parents got what they deserved.

Also, the upcoming trial of the pig that suffocated the black thug is a joke. I mean let me guess…pig gets off scot-free and then a riot breaks out, right? How many innocent people will have to lose their lives over this one?

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2021 According to my 2015 journal, it looks like I took approximately 6 doses of Prozac before the suicidal thoughts got bad enough to discontinue it. However, dose #3 is going better than dose #2 of the Bupropion. I thought I started to feel a slight tingling in my lips a couple of hours after taking it, and I was like oh no, not again! But I’ve been fine ever since. Just a funny feeling in my mouth at times, slight weakness in my upper legs, and a bit of fatigue even though I got caught up on sleep. If this is as bad as it gets and will actually work without the suicidal thoughts it can cause, then great. I would take it for the rest of my life if it would stop me from feeling so bad emotionally. Depression and especially anxiety, are the absolute worst things on earth! I used to believe that emotional suffering would be better than physical suffering figuring that it’s just a feeling. Wrong! Dead wrong. I would take a world of pain every day any day over the emotional suffering I’ve done! Really, I would take it without shame for I’m unapologetically too selfish to give a shit what others think.

Even my body temperature seems a little better today and more regulated. Yesterday I kept going from cold to hot and back and forth. I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed the old me. Not the naive smoker with asthma, but the one who didn’t always feel too cold or too hot, wasn’t anxious in the way I have been these last several years, didn’t need glasses, was in control of her weight, more flexible, skin not so dry, no gray hairs, no TMJ, and didn’t have the kinds of concerns she has now. Things that were no big deal back then are so much harder on me now.

We went for a walk before Tom took a nap which he’s doing now. Amazing how he can sleep through traffic. It’s dying down a bit now but in the 15 minutes we went walking, there were at least three planes that I remember tearing overhead.

I don’t think we did, but between his runs that he had this morning and my tingling, he wondered if we got the virus. More than likely, his runs were due to lack of sleep and my tingling was the new medication.

My mood is a little better today and being caught up on sleep helps with that, too. The question is how I’m going to feel after 8 p.m. which will be the middle of my day. I was definitely anxious during the last half of my day yesterday, getting stabbed with the usual waves of adrenaline in the center of my chest.

Andy’s been doing a better job of sending me pics I like and I’ve been doing the same with him. We share a combination of funny memes and nature and animal pics.

Although they have until the 24th, I worry that the SPCA is going to blow us off.

Had some really weird dreams last night and I mean really weird. Weird is definitely better than bad, though. I guess I was pregnant in one of the dreams and close to my due date. Because I was a high-risk pregnancy, I had to stay at this hospital where each woman had their own cubicle. Actually, it started off more like a room with the wall missing where the door would be.

The doctor was telling me she didn’t recommend me delivering the baby in a certain way, whatever that way was. I knew I had a couple of other options and it hit me that I was still unprepared and didn’t know anything about how to care for it.

Then the dream changed, and I might not have been pregnant anymore or in a maternity ward. A black guy in the cubicle across from me called me and asked that I not use a certain device at night anymore because the light shooting straight off the back of it would keep him awake because it went from the opening of my cubicle into his. So I asked him what time he went to bed and he started to tell me not to worry about that but I asked again anyway and he told me 8. I told him I would be careful after that time with what I used.

There was a small window in the back wall of my room and I got out of bed and peered through it. There was a very ill person in that room that I seemed to know. I wondered if they were back yet from going out somewhere, so I went and checked and saw a nun sitting on the side of the bed. She had a sad and thoughtful expression on her face. Then I saw the silhouette of the woman lying in bed in the darkened room

In another dream, my ENT was hugging me fiercely and then telling someone I made her a gorgeous bracelet in a car that she was driving.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7, 2021 Damn, do I miss the old me! The one who didn’t feel nearly this shitty this often, and when she did, she usually had a reason to. I miss the old me who could take pleasure in the simplest things from the sound of rain to the way a lamp shone down upon stuff in the room. Silly little things that could send those feel-good vibes coursing through my body like the way a faucet would run or knowing that the place was clean and tidy. Damn, do I miss her! This person I once was and that I fear I’ll never be again.

Yeah, not a great day physically or emotionally but I know it’s way too soon for any positive results if I’m going to get any at all. I slept absolutely shitty as hell after being up for 18 hours yesterday. This medication can cause insomnia, but it might have been a coincidence since this happens to me a few times a month anyway. Too soon to say, though. It will depend on how I sleep tonight. I sure am tired, though. I have been all day.

The only things I experienced that were a bit unnerving were the partial runs and a strange feeling in my face and mouth. The latter was the one that was kind of unnerving. My cheeks felt flushed and warm for the first few hours after taking my second dose, and my nose and lips felt a bit tingly. When I took a bite of food, I had a funny feeling in my mouth and it was a little hard to taste the food at first. Ugh, why can’t I just be one of those who can take whatever medication she needs to take?! Why does there always have to be a problem?

The only other thing I noticed was that my appetite is down a bit. Usually, it’s the other way around when I’m tired because lack of sleep often triggers hunger hormones.

Still have a little tingling in the area above my upper lip and my nose. He didn’t see that mentioned in the side effects so I’m going to assume it’s not dangerous and will go away within a week or so. I didn’t have that after taking my first dose, though, so taking my third is going to be a little scary. He said the only thing I should really need to be concerned with is whether or not I experience suicidal thoughts.

So I felt a bit warm during the first part of my day but had no fever. I just don’t understand why the anxiety got so much worse all of a sudden when I’m at a time when it should be getting better. At least that’s what I thought, anyway.

I just hope this anxiety issue is resolved once and for fucking all! I can’t play this game all my life. I just can’t. I really need to be done with it by the time we move so I can focus on that without such a huge distraction. Moving is stressful enough and I don’t need any shit dampening the exciting part.

My sleep mask with Bluetooth came today. Don’t know how comfortable or effective it will be, but I’ll soon find out. They’re going to give me a $15 Amazon gift card for leaving a review in 5 days.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 2021 Began the bupropion. Hoping to knock those “knives” outa the “stabbing” bastards’ hands soon enough! Still worried about how I may feel in the next few days, though. Hopefully, it’ll just disarm the bastards from stabbing me with adrenaline without making me want to kill myself while it’s at it. The only thing I might have experienced so far is fatigue but I sometimes have that anyway. Very slight scratchy throat as well which I also get at times. Started to get a slight headache but that went away before it could set in. The most disturbing thing I’m feeling (I think) are faint traces of cramps. As in from my uterus. Lastly, a head rush where my bad ear rang for a few seconds. All stuff I could get anyway and nothing serious. If it’s going to do anything good or bad, it can take anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks to notice.

Decided that doing sprints every hour was a bit extreme so I’m just settling for getting my daily Zone minutes.

Already feeling a slight tinge of doubt and regret where Andy’s concerned. His cute and funny memes have turned sexual and I’ve made it clear numerous times I’m not into many dirty/X-rated jokes. Some are okay but I’m more of a cute joke person or funny puns kind of person. And I’m not into the damn “nigga” shit either. But I’ve learned that with him it’s best to just keep quiet because he’s like the termite. If I remind him I’m not interested in the God fantasy, the black talk, or regular food discussions, he’ll only bring these things up more. Again, nothing wrong with those who have these interests. They’re just not my thing any more than tennis, chess or heavy metal music is. We’re only connected on Facebook at the moment so if he really gets to me I’ll just ghost.

Since it had been a while, I decided to say hello to Dixie. She said she’s trying to get Diane back into her daycare program but doesn’t think it will be anytime soon. If it’s that insanely loud Pride van that would be picking her up and bringing her home, then I sure as hell hope it isn’t any time soon! Damn thing was motorcycle-loud. I don’t need to add things that could disrupt my sleep.

She also said she had to choose between hip surgery and heavy pain medication, and then asked how the moving plans were going.

Had a rather disturbing dream where Tom and I committed a crime together, although I don’t know what it was. So we got arrested and were brought into this large room with old-fashioned cages. The ones where there are only bars and no solid walls. They booked Tom and threw him in one of them while I was waiting to be booked.

I began walking around, trying to avoid these people who tried to appear as if they worked as inmate advocates. But we were smart enough to know they were really undercover cops trying to elicit information from those who were booked on various charges. As I moved around the room to keep my distance from them, I noticed an entry door was slightly ajar. My first instinct was to run for my freedom but I couldn’t leave Tom in jail alone, and I knew I had no place to go and no means of supporting myself anyway, so I guess I didn’t make a run for it.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 2021 My video appointment with Doc A yesterday went better than expected. First, a nurse called and checked me in by asking for my vitals, height, and weight, but as I told her, I hadn’t taken my vitals. I wasn’t expecting a call because no one called the first time I had a video appointment.

Then I was put in the virtual waiting room. This time Doc A was 20 minutes late instead of 45. I really thought she wasn’t going to have anything new to suggest I try. She didn’t have any recommendations for anything OTC and agreed that the magnesium was pointless. However, she did recommend bupropion which I’ll start tomorrow. It’s an anti-depressant that’s used not just for depression but for general anxiety as well as quitting smoking, pain management, and other things. As I told her, I’m pretty desperate, so I’ll try anything at this point. The anxiety gets so bad at times that it overrides any medication fears, not that I’m not still a bit worried about it, of course. But it’s not an SSRI or Benzo.

Tom and I agreed I wouldn’t look it up so I wouldn’t be paranoid and worried about what I may find, though he looked it up. I guess the only real concern is for those who are bipolar. I did ask Doc A if there was anything I should worry about and she said I might get a headache or an upset stomach. She said to message her if I have any problems but I’m really hoping to hell that this is it! This will stop the anxiety without killing me in the process! I’d really hate to find the answer to my anxiety just to not be able to tolerate the treatment that could help me get back to living a normal life. I swear I’m going to feel like something up there wants me to suffer if it backfires on me in any way. Hopefully, it won’t be the other way around either where I don’t have side effects but still get stabbed with random waves of adrenaline. It can take a couple of weeks to work and I guess six weeks to get the full effects. It’s a long-acting, 24-hour-release drug.

She also recommended returning to therapy but I wasn’t about to return the Stacey when I just told her we were leaving. But that’s not the main reason. The main reasons are money and the fact that I don’t see what else we could possibly discuss that could help me. I truly believe my problem is physiological and not anything evil going on in my mind or my life. If that were the case, I would have had this problem decades ago when my life was much worse.

It’s up to me of course, but if I ever did need a therapist again, Tom had a really good point when he suggested seeing someone else since no one therapist knows it all, and maybe they would have additional tools that could help me. It’s true that not all therapists are the same. Look how much more helpful Stacey was as opposed to Dana.

We’re going to Rite Aid in a few hours and pick up my prescription along with his blood pressure medication. I won’t be starting until tomorrow because I’m going to take it a half-hour after I take my thyroid medication. So I’ll take it when I have my coffee. She recommended I don’t have any wine for the first week.

Oh, how wonderful it would be to not get anxious and to be able to take my thyroid medication every day without skipping! And to get a great offer on the house and then eventually return to the statins without issues! But that’s likely too good to be true. I can still hope, though.

Decided I’m going to do three-minute sprints on the treadmill every 10 hours. I’m going to walk briskly for 2 minutes at 3 miles an hour and then I’ll jog at 4 miles an hour for the last minute.

My random variety pack of incense came yesterday and I’m liking it so far although I’ve only tried a few scents. It’s incredibly strong incense!

I had a dream last night that started in present times and then jumped back in time. It started off with Andy living in Florida and Tom and I getting ready to move there as we are in real life. I called Andy and asked him where in Florida he was living. He hesitated a moment and I told him that he didn’t have to tell me anything he didn’t want to, but what was it like where he was?

Then we were both back in Massachusetts and my parents were alive. He was still waiting tables as well. One late afternoon he walked to my place from the restaurant he worked at on his break and walked me back to the restaurant where I hung out with him for a while.

There were people seated at a large booth that we both seemed to know at one point. When the sun was beginning to set I decided it was time to go home, only I wasn’t sure I could remember the way back to my place on my own since I’d only recently moved back there. I didn’t have my cell phone on me so I went to use the payphone to call my mother to come and pick me up, but then realized I didn’t know her number by heart which was programmed into my phone.

So I hung up frustrated and unsure of what to do. I didn’t want to bug Andy to bring me back since it would be a while before his shift ended but was afraid of getting lost if I set out on foot, especially with the sun setting and making it harder to see.

In real life, he and I have been swapping funny memes.

THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 2021 Ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday but his prescription wasn’t ready. We’ll go back tomorrow. Going to try a bottle of sparkling Pink Moscato at that time too. Right now I’ve got some Merlot and Zinfandel in single-serve bottles.

Apparently, Canadian geese like to stick their tongues out when they hiss at you for getting too close. I’ve heard them hiss before but this is the first time I noticed the tongue thing. I got a little too close to one when I was jogging down past the lake the other day. They’re said to be pretty unfriendly and even aggressive at times. The ducks are definitely braver and friendlier. If the geese can hiss like that just because I got within a few feet, I’d hate to get too close to their nests!

OMG, though, I’m SOOO glad we don’t live by this particular house by the lake. They have an iron fence toward the back and even though they’re probably not kept out at night and someone was with them, two dogs came barking up to the fence as I walked by. I would be so annoyed as hell if I lived next door and had to listen to that every time someone walked by even if it was just in the daytime!

Got a video appointment later on with Doc A but I doubt she’ll be much help and that it won’t amount to much more other than $65 wasted. I’m sure she’ll be late too.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3, 2021 Argh! Had it with the Fitbit issues! The website was messed up yesterday and now their app is too. Let me guess, Fitbit’s unnecessarily revamping their site so they can confuse users with having to do things in new ways than what they’re used to hence inviting bugs and other problems when the old way worked just fine.

Going to take a break from them for a while. I’m really not getting that much out of them anyway. It’s not like weight loss is an option for me, although it is interesting to check my HR and sleep at times. If anything, it’s been a great way to tell the time when I wake up during my sleep because I’m too blind to see the digital clock which was too damn bright anyway.

Texas and Mississippi are being so fucking stupid. This isn’t the first time people have been stupid by giving up and throwing in the towel simply because they’re running out of patience with having to put up with wearing masks. No one should stop wearing a mask until they’ve been vaccinated for a while. Fine, though. Let ‘em kill each other. We’re going to be smart and keep our masks on and not go out unnecessarily!

Now for the bad news and that’s that I now have my answer as far as the magnesium helping goes, and it’s just the answer I expected too. I was a little on edge yesterday for a couple of hours and now I’m worried again. I’m worried about how I’ll feel toward the end of my day and that this is the start of another long, kick-ass anxiety spell. I took the magnesium once I started to feel a little wound up, but it didn’t have the calming effect on me it had the first few times I took it.

Then I made a discovery. Not all magnesium is the same. There are half a dozen different forms. So I looked at the bottles and the huge capsules we have and found taurate, malate, and one other thing in it. The gummies I got are citrate.

I don’t know if my doctor would know about this sort of thing, but I’ll ask her which form and dose she thinks is best for me or if she recommends something else. According to what I read, they can’t say for sure which form is best for anxiety, but studies conducted suggest there is a connection to magnesium easing anxiety when oxide and lactate were used. I think later on, I’ll take one of each.

Decided to stop the statins again because it’s a bit of a coincidence that the day after I restart them, I get wound up. Could be just a coincidence along with the foot cramps I had the night I took them, but why take chances unnecessarily? I still don’t even know if I want to take statins because I don’t believe I’ll have a heart attack or a stroke anytime soon. And again, I don’t want longevity. Not with a husband older than me, not with the way men don’t live as long as women, and not with the fact that I’ve lived long enough as it is. I know so many people wish they could live forever but what the fuck would I do with myself for that long??? It’s enough of a challenge some days trying to figure out how to fill my time and I’m not even in my 60s yet.

Not as hungry today since I’m starting to get used to my new eating schedule, but I was stuck yesterday. My body always does that as a way of rebelling against weight loss, so I went down two pounds and then back up one. That’s okay because I know I’m at least not going to break any records this way.

TUESDAY, MARCH 2, 2021 He and I were discussing the differences between a place in an adult community versus not in one. The adult community would be more expensive and come with more rules and restrictions. But it would also mean we wouldn’t have to maintain our own pool and we would be a little safer too. No risk of getting next to a pack of welfare bums of color that could happily race card me into a world of hell if I dared complain about their loud, obnoxious screaming kids, barking dogs, and wild parties at any given hour of the night and day, which would include the ungodly thumping of bass from the regular slew of vehicles coming and going. Can’t believe Florida would be any different than the West. In other words, they would be the ones to be believed.

So the biggest risk of going outside a park would be not knowing what we may end up next to. But it would certainly be cheaper, and we would have more freedom in some ways. It’s all going to come down to what we find within our price range when we go hunting for a place in person. We’re still going to enlist the help of a realtor who knows the areas we’ll be looking in.

If there really has been a noise curse on me all these years, the smart thing to do would be to not bother considering noise when looking for places. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get a place that was obviously noisy like right by a school, train track, or an airport, but life is noisy these days no matter where you go, cursed or not.

Tried to adjust my dentist appointment but they don’t have anything else anytime soon, so I left it as is.

Went back on statins last night and so far, so good. The only problem I might be having with them is the foot cramps I sometimes get. I’m not sure if they’re responsible for them or not since I have been making a point of getting extra magnesium and potassium. I did read that they can cause them, though.

A guy who takes magnesium before bed along with other vitamins says he’s never noticed any correlation with magnesium reducing anxiety. Yeah, but we’re talking menopause anxiety in my case. It’s either tied to that or the thyroid medication. I still can’t believe it’s simply due to what’s going on in my life. I mean, I’ve been calm for days now, yet we’re still moving. So it’s hard for me to believe that most of the anxiety I went through for over three weeks was due to the upcoming move. I still expect the anxiety to return at some point. It always does. I can’t even go a month without feeling some trace of it. I’ve been keeping track for quite a while now. But if the magnesium can help keep it from getting worse, then great! I’ll know by March. If I can’t make it to March without feeling anxious, then it’s not helping and the calmness I’ve been experiencing the last week is purely a coincidence.

I’m changing my eating habits to two large meals a day with fruit for a snack in between. Going to take a few days to get used to. I won’t lose weight, of course, but it’s always been a good way to keep from gaining.

Also, he’s not quite 100 pounds overweight but more like 80. That’s still a lot of weight but he’s not as overweight as I thought thanks to my shitty counting. He thinks he should be 175 which makes sense for a guy who’s 5’ 10”. He’s about 260 but just like most older people, he can only lose so much and it’s a bitch to keep off. This is precisely why I settled for maintaining rather than trying to lose. But I think it will be better for me to adopt these eating habits for other things besides weight control. I think it will be better for my blood pressure and cholesterol and all that. Just going to take some getting used to. The hungrier I get, the harder it is to get rid of, but I guess it’s that way for most of us. Just like the worse a headache gets, the harder it is to get rid of. I didn’t eat for the first 4 hours of my day today, so I was famished by the time I did eat. Yet even after sauteed mushrooms and onions with 4 chicken wings, I was still a bit hungry, but I had to be in order to start myself on this plan. I’m determined to stick with my two-meal/one-snack plan, too. Guzzling lots of water helps keep my tummy a bit fuller, too.

In another 4 hours, I’ll have a banana and an avocado and then before bed, I’ll have salmon, Jasmine rice, and veggies.

He’s been having a tough time getting some of the adhesive off the laundry room floor and of course he doesn’t want to do anything that might damage it. It’s a pressure-sensitive adhesive, so the high-traffic areas are really tough. He ordered a razor on a long stick from Amazon that will hopefully help, along with incense in 18 surprise fragrances for me.

Incense, essential oils, perfume… I just can’t do without my smells. And I love all kinds from fruity to sweet to earthy to flowers. Someday after we’re settled, since we don’t want to move more liquids than necessary, I want to try Jovan Black Musk for women. Their regular Musk is a favorite of mine.

Yesterday, I tackled the master bathroom. Couldn’t get it perfect but I made it better. It’s just that everything is so old in there. I don’t know if these are the original countertops, but the floors of the shower and tub are discolored in ways I don’t think any cleaning agent could fix. I think they simply need to be replaced. So glad he got that steamer, though! It really does help make a big difference with many things. It’s what we’ll use to clean our joke of a “self-cleaning” oven that’s caked with grease.

Just when I was thinking Andy may have ghosted me and changed his mind about reconnecting with me, he said he got all my messages and has just been busy but will get back to me as soon as he can.

No problem, as I told him.

MONDAY, MARCH 1, 2021 It’s March! Finally! The month I hope three things happen and that’s that the house goes on the market, the pigs get rehomed, and we get vaccinated.

We got some coconut oil earlier and I rubbed it on Rockefeller’s butt. Don’t know if it’s going to make a difference or not, but even after his bath, you would think someone sprayed hairspray on his ass. His fur is so stiff.

I forgot to mention that there were three vehicles at Virginia’s on Saturday. At first I thought she was back even though I couldn’t understand why it would take three vehicles to transport her. Well, she’s not back yet and the vehicles didn’t stay for long either. I thought maybe they were prepping the place and bringing in groceries in light of her return but she’s still not here, so I guess it will be a while yet.

I hated to do it but I kind of teased my ENT with a new referral. I couldn’t very well tell her, “Hey, you were showing up in my dreams a lot and that usually means something’s up. So I Googled you and sure enough, it said you were permanently closed.”

Instead, I said I ran into someone in need of an ENT and she Googled her and I wondered if she was closed or not.

She replied this morning saying that she was still seeing patients there, marketing was supposed to fix that, please send her, and thanks for letting her know.

As I may have mentioned before, the previous residents left some silver here. A collectible set with two little candle holders and a few small trays. Looks like something straight out of the 1800s. Tom was able to find the company that made it and what they’re worth and apparently, they’re only worth about $40 these days. So we decided to take them with us in case they’re worth more later on.

I have continued to remain anxiety-free but I’m still not sure if the magnesium is connected to that or not. If I can make it through the month without any anxiety, then yes, it is! I doubt it, though. I think it’s just a coincidence. I’ve learned not to let any new discovery that seems to help at first tease me. The anxiety does come and go and it likely would have fizzled out on its own.

Got a body scrub with our Walmart order this morning. Haven’t used one in ages and I want to see if I can exfoliate the skin well enough to replace the need for bath gloves.

[onedayatatime-please]

Wednesday, Aug 14th, 2024. 6:35 pm

I’m happy today. I went and ate lunch near the expressway and watched the cars go by. I listened to a lot of good music.

I had a moment in the morning where I was extremely nervous for my upcoming therapy appointment. I had to reschedule for a few hours earlier, and the fact that I would actually be doing this hit me all at once and it took me a while to calm down. I’ve been trying to think about it passively throughout the day so I get used to the idea, but each time I do I get nauseous. That kind of people-related anxiety isn’t at all unusual for me and I would not count it as a negative tally in my day.

I don’t think i had a single suicidal thought today. I feel confident and generally well minded. Today was a good day.

I am currently in a field of clover and I have a ice cold can of seltzer cause it is very hot out. There are many mosquitos and dragonflies and starlings. I wish I had brought bug spray, but a few mosquito bites won’t hurt me.

I am not dead yet, and I will do my best to keep it that way.

8:07 pm edit:

Ran into someone I was not expecting to. I grew up with him, best friends in the cradle kinda shit. We haven’t spoken in years and it’s my fault. I don’t know if it’s really my fault cause I had my reasons but I don’t know if they are good enough and god damn do I feel guilty. He just sorta stood and stared when he saw me and he didn’t hug me like his parents did. I feel nauseous and lightheaded. I don’t talk to anyone from my childhood anymore unless they are family and everytime I was the one to make that decision, but I didn’t tell them I had made it, I just stopped texting. I ghosted pretty much all of the people I spent the first decade of my life with. When it happened I was too young and wrapped up in my own mental and physical self preservation that I couldn’t think of any better way to do it and now I feel too guilty to even know how to reach out and apologize, or if it is even necessary to apologize. Or if any of them would actually care if I did.

The other part of it is that I don’t really feel the need or want to have a relationship with any of these people. Being with them would bring up too much shit. It’s this part of my life I’ve tried really really hard to put behind me. But I know I’ve hurt them and I feel terrible. I feel like a coward for being too scared to relive my guilt and trauma to heal relationships with them. I don’t know if that is a feeling based in reality or not. It’s 9:21 now and I’m still nauseous. I feel disassociated and I’ve started having full body ticks. If there weren’t people at my house I know I would go home and have a panic attack. I do not think i will get much sleep tonight as I will be on the couch. It makes me feel so much worse that I wish that I just could have not seen him at all. I wish that I was able to continue going though my day without being confronted by my guilt. I feel like I’m constantly running away from what I’m actually feeling and the actions of my past that have caused harm because the guilt I feel for those actions is so intense.

I don’t know what to fucking do. And I feel bad because now I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing this whole thing out. I shouldn’t be making this about myself.

My chest hurts very much and most of my current inner monologue is just imagining jumping in front of a car.

We used to be inseparable, and now we can barely hold a 30 second conversation and he looked like he wanted to bolt the whole time.

I think that I feel the need to inflict emotional and physical pain on myself to compensate for the guilt I feel. If I can hurt myself more then I’ve hurt other people then we’re even. Eye for an eye and all that. Whenever I feel guilty or embarrassed my first instinct is to slam my head against the wall or put the nearest knife into my leg. I can’t help but think it, picture it repeatedly in my minds eye. Sometimes my brain will even give me weird phantom pains to imitate the pain I would feel if I hurt myself the way I want to.

^^daily reminder of why I’m deciding to go back to therapy

I know that I’m freaking out rn because of PTSD alongside the guilt. Which again, bc of PTSD I don’t want to know any of these people. But I still feel guilty for breaking it off the way I did and then not rebuilding the relationship with them. “I don’t just feel one emotion, I feel two emotions” -John Mulaney

Fuck this started off as such a good day. New rule: no more saying it was a good day untill I’m in bed half asleep so probably no big emotion will happen after that.

I hate feeling this way. This is gonna sound so stupid but Jesus Christ I want my brain to be fucking normal I don’t want all of this bullshit I want things to be easy

I’m done for now, I need to go home.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

10:49 pm edit:

I’m so tired, but I’m in bed, so that’s fine. My sister has her two best friends over as a going away party before she moves to another country. I drank a bit even though I know I shouldn’t. It was only one glass of wine but I still gave into the craving because I was disassociated and panicked. My chest still hurts quite a bit. I want to self harm very much. I will not Self harm.

I am going to watch some YouTube and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll play some call of duty if I’m not too tired. Tomorrow I will wake up and take a shower and wash my face and brush my teeth. Im gonna make myself an egg sandwich for breakfast. I’m gonna have my therapy appointment and then hang out with my sister and cousins. I’m making dinner tomorrow night for the whole family, mom, dad, sister, aunt, cousins. I will make a lentil soup, a roasted chicken, and toast with pesto, tomato, and goat cheese on the side.

I like cooking very much. I can make something, and take care of people at the same time. I will not Self harm because I love the people who love me. And I love making them food.

I am not dead yet, and I will do my best to keep it that way.

[trans-religious]

First time I'd gotten all reverses in a reading and considered reshuffling (i hadn't cleansed my deck in a while too), but when I was about to I got that feeling of "no this is your answer "

And yeah, makes sense, tbh

I was asking about the fear and anxiety I've been dealing with, waiting for my upcoming doctor's appointment.

I've put pretty much everything on hold. Quit my job, even though I really don't have the savings to let me coast until I find another one. I haven't been writing or doing much of anything except trying to make myself just... not think. Because when I think about it, I get angry. I start crying. I want to punch and kick and scream and sleep. I'm sleeping more but don't feel rested when I wake up. Then I put off sleeping. No thinking. No thinking. Nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong if I don't think about it.

Everything after the day of my doctor's appointment feels like a void. I have no idea what comes next. It feels like I'm approaching a fork in the road, and it's too dark to see what either path holds. Only. I don't get to choose which path I take. I only get to choose how I deal with what answers I'm given.

There may be a possibility I'm dying, but I'm not dead yet. I need to stop acting like I already am.

But God it's so hard right now.

[asexualdiary]

Last night I had what can only be described as a bout of intense fear? I’m hesitant to say panic attack because there was no hyperventilating or even my heart beating fast, but just like the hand of fear had clutched my heart.

I am not an anxious person unless it comes to social anxiety or anything medical. It’s really out of character for me to not be able to calm myself down.

I started by freaking out about the lightsaber ultrasound and how it’s going to hurt. And then about the actual pain of giving birth. And then about my teeth??? Since I have a dentist’s appointment in July and I know I will probably have to get more fillings which I haaaate. And possibly something even worse, like a crown. I started telling myself that God is bigger than all this, but then I was like, we’re all bigger than those terrifying little needles that control your body’s physical state.

THEN!!! I started really asking myself the questions that I’ve been avoiding: DO I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW? I just got into a position where I’m making more money and am giving myself no time to enjoy it, and it’s also not a great time to be taking on more stress what with a) my dog dying and b) still getting used to my big girl job.

I know it’s what I’ve always wanted, but I’m scared of spending all this money above all. I was thinking though and that’s also how I felt about getting my house, and that has turned out fine. I know I want to do this at some point in my life, and I’ll be 27 in a week so I want to give my baby the best chance by doing it while I’m young and healthy.

Maybe here’s what I’ll do. I’ll take the process slow. Wait for the x-ray (God’s timing is perfect and my period didn’t line up.) Still do the ultrasound this upcoming week just to see if there’s anything wrong. Then give myself five to six months (December ish?) to really start IUI. In the time I can save more money and maybe go on a trip at some point. Possibly lose my dog and go through that grief…again, God’s timing is perfect.

I’ve been wanting to go to Disney above all else, but we just went last year and my dad won’t want to go again. And without him paying, my sister can’t go either, and I don’t want to have to pay for her. Most people I know aren’t in the best financial position to jet to Disney. (This is when it comes in handy to be coupled up. People feel obligated to do things with their ~partner~. ) But I guess I should remind myself that by having a kid, I will be having an 18 year companion, hopefully longer. Maybe a Disney trip can wait. But then, there’s the question of money…it goes round in circles.

[kimmysurveyblog]

44

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? My boyfriend bought me flowers. The reason was that he went out with our daughter while I had a phone therapy appointment. Reward for therapy? Lol.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? I'm like... sufficient? My mom taught me a bit. I cook every day so I'm not the worst at it. I like cooking spaghetti lmao. Making the sauce is just very fun and relaxing for me for some reason?

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? I think our washer broke. My boyfriend fixed it thanks to YouTube tutorials.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? I have a tiny bit of Chiari head pain.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? My boyfriend's mom is coming to watch Violet so we can have a little break. In the morning we're going for a hike with her. Sunday is usually just errands and going to the park.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? Tokyo. I've always wanted to go there.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? I don't know.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? I also don't know.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? Six hours because I was awake stressing. It was not enough.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? Mornings, before my boyfriend starts work at 10. We usually go to the playground with her (in the warm months) and it's very chill and nice to have a bit of family time before our days begin.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? ^ We did one of those. To two parks.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I am not tired. About 12 hours until that time.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? Every single day lately. :x

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? None.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? I don't really like steak.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Sweet. Maple syrup.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? No.

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? I had a sleeping pill addiction for welllll over a decade until marijuana was legalized in Canada. I quit that when I became pregnant and honestly, suffer quite a bit with insomnia some nights. Better than having a sleeping pill or weed dependency though.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Having a whole day ahead of me. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. The worst part about bedtime is my 983983 anxiety pees and struggling to fall asleep.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? I don't drink soft drinks usually. 21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? Sweatpants and a tshirt.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? I stopped during COVID and probably won't ever dye it again. Box dye.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? That time is over but I didn't mind wearing them. I still wear them in medical buildings.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? No.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? I made a cake for my daughter's birthday 2 months ago.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? No.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? Five. I do sometimes.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? My dog came from a breeder.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? No.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? We had McDonalds this week. It was fine.

[girlbossgirlblogger]

Someone teach me how to try...

I really can’t wait for everyone’s birthdays to be over so I can crawl back into my depression hole. Maybe that’s selfish and pathetic and dumb and overdramatic but I feel so much pressure on everyone’s birthdays to try my very hardest to be a normal human fucking being, which is very hard for me. I’m stressed over all these interviews. I don’t know how I live in all these extremes at the same time – I both wanna try so hard and be smart and good and hardworking while simultaneously want to not give a fuck and fuck society and be a lazy piece of shit who leaves capitalist standards alone. But I realize no one cares and that's on me for wallowing in my little self-pitying reflection on what I want from life. Either work hard and be good or shut the fuck up and be a lazy shit that’s gonna be judged and accept that. But my problem is I simultaneously live in extremes. I genuinely believe I’m bipolar sometimes and experience something called “mixed moods.” I don’t know, though. I really don’t. I keep getting drunk and making therapy and diagnostic appointments then getting sober and stressing and canceling them. I really want some help but don’t wanna deal with it because I’m scared. I act like I hate the help and care so much but deep down I just want someone to come in and force me to let them coddle me and care about me and force me to do what I need to do because sometimes I realize how much I really can’t live like this and need someone to be there but I know I will never let them. I have so much anxiety over so much dumb, inconsequential, upcoming shit that I need to let go. Deep down I know I need someone to lovingly care but all I can think about is I really just need someone to slap me and beat it into me that I don’t and that I need to man up and just deal with it. I hate to admit it but I just want to be normal so bad. I want to have normal thoughts and normal relationships and a normal life and a normal outlook and thinking. I know normal people have unnormal tendencies sometimes, but I really know now how fucked up my brain is and I just want it to stop but I don’t know how. I want to fix it. I really, really do – but I’m hurt and so much of a pussy when it comes to making the effort. I’ve tried so many times and then chickened out. I’ve canceled so many therapy appointments. I've drunkenly convinced myself so many times I’ll be honest with myself and others who care about and are my friends. But I can't. I really fucking can’t. And before I can, what I really need to figure out is how I can make myself try. I know once I commit to therapy or other shit that will make me feel better I’ll be okay because I’m such an analytical overthinker that I know I am capable of figuring out, but all I need to do is overcome that hurdle of forcing myself to start and to try. But that is so, so FUCKING hard for me. And I have no clue how to go about doing that. I didn’t realize how much of an overthinker I am until recently, at least compared to most “normal” people. I also realized how much of these overthinking thoughts are so crazy and fucked up and weird and genuinely embarsassing that I can't even force myself to write them down in a literally goddamn private Googel Doc. I want to be normal or relatively normally or just more normal so fucking bad. Sometimes I feel so strong and resilient and sometimes I feel so overdramatic and stupid but deep down I know neither are true and when it comes down to it I can keep neither of these up. I just want someone to beat me down and force me to fix everything. I worry about my capability to keep this up. I worry about what will happen to me. Will I fly off the deep end? Will I adhere to one extreme consistently? Or the other? Will I ignore both and adhere to nothing and be nothing? I don’t know, I really don’t fucking know. And I wish someone would enlighten me, but I know there’s no one there to do so until I let them and/or man up and do it myself.

[aparanoidelectrictoothbrush]

I think I need to get it into my head that doing self care things to ease my anxiety doesn't do much until I stop hating myself for being anxious. I have a dental thing tomorrow at a place that scares me so much I get nearly vomit inducing amounts of anxiety every time I go or think about it. Today I've managed to go most of the day feeling happy about the upcoming appointment, even excited, but while hanging out with my friends today a sense of dread and fear came over me and I haven't stopped shaking since. And I'll be honest, I am so fucking mad at myself for being scared. I was doing so well and now, with only like 20 hours until the appointment, I feel like the world is caving in on me - I feel weak, stupid, confused, and most of all, hopeless. Because I feel like I failed some imaginary task. 90% percent of my fear isnt even from fear of the appointment itself, its just hopelessness that spirals into further fear.

So I sat in bed with a burger and fries meal, a cup of tea too, and was like "eating this and watching youtube will help me" until my thoughts started saying "why am i doing all this just to ease my anxiety? am i really that far gone? do i really need this much just to shake off some fear? Will I ever really get better?" and i started getting even MORE scared because i was trying to ease my fear...and then i started thinking about this.

Idk how to end this so i guess ill just. say. theres too much shame in being scared of things. be scared, be afraid, be terrified, because thats a normal human feeling, and worrying about every bit of worry just gives you more worry to worry about