#split in the concept of pronouns and misgendering

[screambirdscreaming]

#I would add if you don't feel able to shift the actual feelings pretneding is better than nothing#like we're not doing thought crimes#you're not seeing the true person but whatever it's your business in your own head

^see, I would actually disagree. About that being better than nothing. I mean to each their own preference, but for me, someone pretending they're not misgendering me in their head is not a social courtesy, it's just exhausting. And I don't mean that they're doing "thought crimes" or whatever, I don't really feel like that framework has anything to do with it? It just means I'm going to find them stressful and unpleasant to interact with. Like anyone who is misgendering me. And either they are doing well enough at pretending that i would feel fucked up and betrayed if i learned how they actually thought of me, or - infinitely more common! - they're doing juuuust well enough at pretending to respect my gender that I don't have an overt foothold to call them out on the ways they're constantly, persistently misgendering me in tone or implications.

Again, I know that my stance here is not a popular stance. But I really feel like the way pronouns have become a fighting ground of gender acceptance has actually dragged the whole conversation about presentation and perception way off track.

I get how it happened. Pronouns make sense as a point of interface, something you can declare about yourself in an outward-facing way without getting into all the details and intricacies of your gender. "Just call me this please." But it gets into this weird dynamic - assuming the pronouns you've asked for don't match the way the person talking to you is percieving you. The options are basically:

1 ) They refuse to use your pronouns and are overtly a jerk about it. Sucks but also they suck, disregard their opinion.

2 ) They take into consideration that your pronouns indicate that the way they were perceiving you is not right, and put in effort to change their view of you. Which doesn't mean perfect or instant results! There's often a lot of steps forward and back, or those sort of awkward-but-sweet attempts to affirm your gender in ways that don't really match your personality. But like, they're trying. To me the really significant factor is when you can tell that someone is genuinely making an effort to change their perspective, on you or on how gender works at all.

3 ) They change the pronouns they use but not the way they conceptualize you. I think a core piece of the issue is that people act like this is on a continuum with option two. But in my experience it is not. It's a seperate type of effort that people make - ok, to indulge you, to be polite, I'll take this extra pause and change up the words I say. People do this instead of changing how they conceptualize you. And there is some genuine confusion here! Like the breakthrough that OP's mom had was literally realizing that they'd misunderstood the assignment, that they'd focused on the wrong thing. And part of what propagates that confusion is the way people get up in arms about pronoun use as a bottom line, like you have to do at least this much!! And then people make a big production of how hard it is and how you have to appreciate how much effort they're putting into correcting themselves every single time they use your pronouns, because they're sooo committed to indulging you in your weird little gender delusions.

Again, I get that a lot of people experience a lot of distress every time they're misgendered, and getting people to just Stop Saying The Wrong Word is a pressing quality of life issue. But for me, the one thing that I actually care about is for people to stop putting me in a conceptual gender box and treating me accordingly. And what this tends to mean, is that for every single person i meet who is not already deep in queer spheres, I have to go about cracking their tidy little gender concept like a walnut. Did you know there's more options?? Did you know you don't just have to take your gender and suck it up?? Did you know you can stop pulling people down in the gender crab bucket with you?? And in my experience, it is actually a hurdle to my process of getting this point across, if they've already absorbed a narrative that "some silly girls want to be called 'they' so just humor that." Which doesn't do shit for me!

Actually, getting back to the point about thought crime, because I think that's actually relevant to unpick here.

We're not talking about crime in any sense, we're talking about being rude and shitty to people in ways that are unpleasant to interact with. Like many areas of discourse, misgendering has been flattened into incomprehensibility by making the framework one of moral ills and harm, completely cutting out the concept of "rude and unpleasant" which in fact accounts for most of human social friction.

Of course, thinking about someone in a way they wouldn't like doesn't hurt them, and of course it isn't a moral issue! It can still be rude, though, especially if it's someone you know. If you talk to them or treat them in ways that reflect those thoughts, they're justified in finding that really unpleasant, and in not wanting to interact with you. That's not a moral issue either!

Misgendering is an issue with a lot of emotional charge, especially since we're often using it to gauge whether someone means us ill in a more serious transphobic way. And even when it's relatively harmless, it still sucks. That said, I get that it can be genuinely difficult to change how you perceive someone, and that people put a lot of self-doubt and even self-hate on themselves if they're not able to keep up with doing that work. And then, having said that, other people will get frustrated if you offer too much grace on that concept, because they're sick of hearing about how hard it is from people like their parents who they really feel should be putting in that effort towards such a significant relationship in their lives. It's messy!

I don't think it does anyone any good to pretend there's a consistent, universal baseline of "acceptable behavior" where if you meet it, you're clear, and if you don't you're an asshole. Not only does that fail to account for the complexity of social interactions and people's perspectives and needs, it also creates a built-in loophole for any asshole who wants to toe the line of "acceptable" behavior.

It frustrates me to see how much this has happened with pronouns.

[denimbex1986]

'It should come as no surprise that Russell T Davies, the man behind Queer As Folk, the one who first made Doctor Who tangibly gay, has returned to the franchise with what might be its queerest outing yet. But even we were surprised by quite how integral LGBTQ+ themes would be to the story this time around.

Much has been made of David Tennant and Catherine Tate's return, yet it's Yasmin Finney's brand-new character Rose who's at the heart of this Star Beast special.

Donna's daughter befriends The Meep first, and she's also the one who saves London when The Meep reveals itself to be evil. What's special about this is that it's Rose's trans identity specifically that proves key to her victory.

When we last saw her mother, Donna had absorbed some of the Doctor's energy, creating a 'metacrisis' that would have killed her if the Doctor had not erased her memories. But when she's reminded again of the Time Lord's existence in this latest episode, Donna survives intact, and that's because when she gave birth to Rose, she unknowingly split that energy between them, halving their potentially devastating impact.

As Donna's memories return, Rose's innate Timelord energy is then activated too, enabling her to stop Meep with newfound knowledge and abilities from her position on the ground.

Rose's non-binary identity stems from The Doctor's. (The show finally acknowledges them to be gender-fluid after they presented as both male and female over the course of the franchise). That means the source of Rose's power comes directly from her nature as a non-binary individual, positioning her as a hero because of her gender identity and not despite of it.

That's not to say Doctor Who shies away from the difficulties trans people face in real life. Earlier on in the same episode, bullies deadname Rose in the street and soon after, Donna's own mother, Sylvia, accidentally misgenders Rose as well, despite her good intentions.

Donna's response to all this? "I would burn down the world for you, darling," and honestly, that's how we feel after seeing some of the negative feedback these scenes have received online.

Despite scoring strong reviews from critics and the majority of fans, it seems not everyone is celebrating Doctor Who's much-lauded return.

On Rotten Tomatoes, trolls are review-bombing the episode, bringing the audience score down to 41%, which is a huge contrast from the critics rating of 89%. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and the episode won't be to everyone's tastes, but when comments suggest the show 'needs to stop pushing talk of pronouns onto kids', it's safe to say most of these opinions are grounded in hate and ignorance.

Imagine being shocked that a show about an alien who regularly changes their body and gender would dare acknowledge such concepts?

In the days following the special, a hashtag named #RIPDoctorWho continued this backlash on X/Twitter, to which Doctor Who casting director Andy Pryor said the following:

"Just stopped by to say that on @bbcdoctor who (or any of our work) we don't work hard to cast inclusively for publicity. We do it because we like stories. & stories should speak to all of us & include all of us. And if one person feels a little less alone, then."

With more queer cast members on the way, including Neil Patrick Harris as the villainous Toymaker and Ncuti Gatwa as the new face of The Doctor himself, the future of Doctor Who is looking queerer by the day.

But it's not just the future that's queer.

To those who baulk at more inclusivity in future seasons, we can't help but wonder: What show have you been watching this whole time? Because Doctor Who is super queer — and it always has been.

Yes, even before Jack Harkness slapped a guy's arse or Bill Potts fell for a puddle named Heather, the Classic era channeled queerness with how it defied the establishment and stood up for those who need it most. It's hard to exaggerate how much stories like this resonated with LGBTQ+ people at a time when positive representation was almost non-existent on screen.

It's no wonder then that a sizeable chunk of Doctor Who's fandom identifies as queer, even if the show wasn't able to address LGBTQ+ fans directly until (queer lifelong fan) Russell T Davies regenerated the franchise in 2005.

But now, all these years later, The Star Beast ushers in a new chapter for Doctor Who where the show can finally live up to the inclusive ethos it's always striven for.

That's not to diminish the positive steps other showrunners have taken in the interim. 2015's 'Sleep No More' featured Doctor Who's first trans actress, Bethany Black, and season twelve's 'Praxeus' successfully flipped the 'Bury Your Gays' trope, although the less said about how season 13 handled #Thasmin the better.

And it's not like everything is suddenly perfect now. Rose's metacrisis abilities could feed into sci-fi tropes around trans/non-binary identities being considered "alien", plus the inclusion of Rose's deadname has garnered a mixed response from the trans community online.

While some argue this has given trolls the opportunity to use that name venomously against her character, others point out that transphobia is a reality the show shouldn't shy away from.

The moment when Rose calls the Doctor out for assuming Meep's pronouns might feel a bit-on-the-nose for some too, although if this kind of talk immediately heralds the end of the franchise for you, you might want to cast your mind back a few decades to 1972's 'The Curse of Peladon' where the Doctor and Jo discussed Alpha Centauri's pronouns at length.

But still, seeing trans and non-binary identities celebrated to this degree is very much welcome regardless, especially in a family show with such a huge fanbase like Doctor Who. This is the kind of storytelling that saves lives, trolls be damned.

And now, with the impending arrival of more trans actors and characters in Yasmin Finney's wake — including Jinkx Monsoon, Mary Malone and Pete MacHale — Doctor Who's next season promises to be more inclusive than ever before.

If you have a problem with that, remember that your hero, the good Doctor, would never discriminate against trans people, or any other marginalised group for that matter either. So why would you?'

[wahlpaper]

Gender Queer Review

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe

CW: Naked Bodies, Talk and Depiction of Sexual Interactions, Depiction of Pap Smears, Medical Trauma, Blood, Body Horror, Vomit, Depictions of Dysphoria, Queerphobia, Deadnaming (redacted), Misgendering, Excrement, Misogynistic Microaggressions, Positive References to Problematic Media, Ace Bandage Binding, Cursing

5/5

Considering how many times Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer has been banned, I have been well aware of this graphic novel since its release in 2019. Despite how well-known it is, I didn't pick it up until now. I just wanted a graphic novel to spend a Saturday reading. I'm not a huge fan of non-fiction books, but my love for graphic novels will almost always supersede that. Memoirs are much more interesting when there are pictures involved. Kobabe's is definitely popular for a reason.

Maia Kobabe (pronouns e/em/eir) was never one for autobiographical works, preferring not to share so much about emself with the world. Maia grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, a time when trans topics weren't being so freely talked about. E grew up in rural Northern California, spending a number of those years being homeschooled. E has a loving and supporting family, and knew a few other queer people growing up. Still, eir journey to self-discovery took a long and twisting path. Gender Queer is this story.

I am cis, but most of my friends are non-binary, including my older sibling. It's important to remember that if you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person. No one is the spokesperson for all trans people. I know who my friends are as people and I know a lot more trans-specific details about my sibling, but this graphic novel addressed things I would have never thought to ask. In particular, the dysphoria. I knew that it can be intense, but it was hard to imagine until I saw the pap smear scenes. I have read trans books before, but the visual aspect of a graphic novel adds to my understanding. Kobabe was able to better understand emself by interacting with the trans community. It was a joy to see em get to the point where e would want to write and publish Gender Queer.

Although this memoir focuses on gender identity, Kobabe comes out as bi and is potentially aroace. Kobabe never directly states that e is asexual or aromantic, but there is a page where e expresses relief over not having to date anyone or have sex with anyone. There is another page where e is complimenting the signs that the ace community brings to Pride. I heavily related to the asexual aspects of Kobabe's journey. Kobabe mentions that it would've made a big difference to have seen someone like em growing up. I love ace representation for the same reason.

Obviously, it's ridiculous that Gender Queer has been banned, but I would like to talk about why. I think there's this conception that graphic novels/comics are for kids and adults who never grew up. This graphic novel just isn't for kids, that's okay. It has depictions of sex and gynecological appointments. We don't ban bodice ripper novels for having sex in them. A simple rating or content warning is all the book needs. This book is banned because it's queer and that's not okay. People of all ages need to see people that look and feel like them. It's validating and can help us understand ourselves better.

As Gender Queer is a graphic novel, I think it's important to talk about the art! I don't know what Kobabe looks like in real life, but I think e did a great job of depicting how e sees emself. It's a casual androgynous look in clothes and face. I loved when the narrative would split from panels into full-page spreads. They're all unique and let Kobabe's creativity shine. E has a masters in comics and it shows. It's implied at the end of the novel that the target audience is Kobabe's family. The color palette and art style feel like a stroll through the countryside. This is clearly eir roots, so perhaps that touch was for them. Overall, the design of the novel made it easier to read the hard parts and engaging to read everything else.

Nonfiction graphic novels are a great way to learn more about the world if you struggle with traditional nonfiction books. Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer can show you a lot about one trans person's experience with being non-binary. It will also teach you many other things about the queer community, Northern California, and connecting to people through fandoms. I definitely recommend giving this memoir a try!

[valdevia]

diversity win! the flesh planet has pronouns! related question: what are googliel's pronouns? (then the shippers can respect both of them in one go!)

Googliel would use they/it, since biblically angels are meant to be genderless/androgynous (and in the case of Seraphims, not even humanoid).

This is what happens if you misgender an angel:

I feel like unlike Googliel, Terry would not really care about what name or pronouns you give it, since it's a space creature that doesn't have a concept of human language and culture. I still use they/it as a default, though! Fun fact, the Terry species doesn't have anything like biological sex! It's more like bacteria in that it reproduces asexually (only instead of just splitting in two, it drops some pieces of itself over a new planet and takes it over!). So I feel like you'd need to sit Terry down and take a while to explain what a gender is.

[fromthemouthofkings]

This isn't exclusive to being nonbinary, it's part of being nonbinary and being transmasculine, because I am both of those things and they cannot be separated, because I am one thing that cannot be cut in half and still survive:

Being constantly misgendered, even by folks who consider themselves trans-inclusive, as basically a quirky woman, or at best maybe a quirky woman who uses they/them pronouns. Ex. being lumped in with women, having my bigender manhood completely erased, being assumed to be comfortable presenting and moving through the world as a woman, "shes and theys," "women and nonbinary people." Or, on the flip side of things, having to choose between presenting myself as nonbinary or as transmasc, without a lot of understanding that those experiences can be fluid and can bleed together or coexist. Having the world split into men and nonmen, with no space left for someone who is both.

This is especially annoying to me as an afab bigender nonbinary person whose gender includes masculinity but does not include femininity at all. I try to present as largely androgynous in public, and mostly go by they/them pronouns, rather than both he/him and they/them as I would prefer, because my masculinity is not taken seriously at all, and multigenderness even less so. I do not pass as male in the slightest, and it's even more of a struggle to get people to acknowledge me as masculine or partially masculine than it is to suppress that side of me and mostly present as "nonbinary." But I'm only allowed to move through the world as "nonbinary" in an extremely watered down way.

When I first came out several years ago, there was at least an understanding of "nonbinary" as something completely separate from manhood and from womanhood, as a third gender or an agender experience. That was already a huge, flattening oversimplification of the many varying experiences that fall under the nonbinary umbrella, but it feels like recently, the concept has been collapsed even further. Instead, "nonbinary" is viewed as a category both naturally opposed to manhood and also inextricably linked to femininity. It's just Woman II. Female but queerer. The two oppressed genders vs. masculinity (a sin). And at the same time, any understanding of genderfluidity or multigender experience seems to have completely disappeared from the general consciousness.

Basically, my androgyny is only tolerated for so long as it can be lumped in with femininity, and I AM NOT A WOMAN.

❗️❗️ This is asked entirely in good faith. This post is intended to open dialogue and help with solidarity and understanding. ❗️❗️

I would like to hear specifically from nonbinary people how the system of exorsexism/enbyphobia uniquely targets and affects you. Things that you feel other demographics do not experience. Reblogs and replies are very encouraged! If you would prefer, you could dm or send an ask to be added anonymously by me.

This is in the spirit of wanting to understand. I am listening. I encourage all binary trans people to not speak on this topic and let nonbinary people do the talking here. Reblog the post to spread it, but please say nothing.

Any and all people who identify as nonbinary are encouraged to participate. This is not agab-locked. If you are agender, trans neutral/neutrois, genderfluid, bigender, trigender, multigender, xenogender, genderqueer, third gender, two spirit, or any other gender not wholey contained within the strict binary of "man" or "woman", this post is for you. Even if you have already posted on the trans fem or trans masc versions, if you are nonbinary, you are welcome here.

This is not bait to start a fight. I will block without hesitation anyone who is actively being a shithead on this post. I want to hear and uplift your voices by getting it directly from you.

Click this to access the trans fem and trans women version of this post.

Click this to access the trans masc and trans men version of this post.

Click this to access the intersex version of this post.

[fake-wizard]

If you're so willing to misgender yourself for clout why don't you just detransition?

How do you define "misgender"?

If I define a woman as an adult human female, and I am an adult human female, am I being misgendered if someone calls me she or a woman?

If I define a transman as a woman who uses medical measures to appear male in society, and I am a woman who uses medical measures to appear male in society, (i.e., I want to appear male in my day-to-day life) am I being misgendered if someone calls me he? Or she? Does my desire to appear male mean someone is incorrect if they refer to me as female?

If I don't believe in innate gender nor have a gender identity nor identify as a gender, is it even possible for me to be misgendered?

How do you define detransition?

In my life, I appear a certain way, and people address me according to how they perceive me. After 2yr 7mo on testosterone and a double mastectomy, that means people address me as a male. I do not announce preferred pronouns, and I never have.

What actions would I need to take in order to detransition? If I took those actions: What would change about my life? Would my appearance change? Would my behavior change? Would the way I think about myself change? Would my happiness level change?

So, what should I call myself?

Consider these four axes for women, I could think of 2 more but I'll keep it shorter: 1. Dysphoric vs. Not dysphoric. 2. Medically transitioned vs. Not medically transitioned. 3. Says "I identify as trans" vs. says "I do not identify as trans." 4. Says "I do not identify as a woman" (ex. identifies as a man or nonbinary) vs. says "I do identify as a woman" (believes in gender identity and the concept of cisgender) vs. "I am a woman because I am female." (does not believe in gender identity)

There are many different ways to combine these categories. For example, a woman who is not dysphoric, identifies as trans, and has not medically transitioned. Or, a woman who is dysphoric, medically transitioned, but does not identify as trans / formerly identified as trans. Or a woman who is dysphoric, identifies as trans, has transitioned, and genuinely believes she's a man.

What do I have in common with women in all the possible combinations of categories? What experiences do we share? What is different between us, or what different experiences have we had? Are similarities and differences more significant when they involve physical categories (1 and 2) vs. categories that rely on verbally proclaiming something or a belief (3 and 4)? Are there patterns of experiences that arise when we split these categories into physical and verbal? How much does simply Saying something or Believing something change a person's Experiences?

Hope I've given you some things to think about!

[brynnmclean]

I'm putting this here because I keep thinking about it but I had dinner with my siblings and their partners last night

-- God bless my SIL for texting me like "I'm meal prepping, come get free food for the next couple of days" also when she hugged me she said "want a beer? I'll split an oatmeal stout with you" and I wanted to just. Collapse with gratitude. ALSO I am so touch starved that I have to actively stop myself from clinging to people when they hug me. ANYWAY--

Sister's BF is a sweetheart, but he also asked me what my pronouns are and said he's been basically thinking about my gender since he recognized me wearing a non-binary t-shirt like, six months ago (Me: "oh lol I forgot I wore that shirt around you lol")... And this led into a discussion with my siblings about my gender which is like. Fine. It's fine? But it's also very weird.

I swear I've mentioned being non-binary several times over the years and my blood siblings certainly know that I've bound in the past (they were very "???? Why????" about it), but there's always been like... a level of them ignoring it and misgendering me anyway. I let it go a lot because asking them to learn how to code-switch in front of our parents feels like, uh, work.

(Coming out as non-binary to my parents is a laughable concept, so. If it becomes a necessary thing, sure, I'll do it, but I'm expecting an ordeal, so. No thanks.)

Anyway, anyway, before this post gets too long and rambly, it was just. Weird to be on the spot about Gender Stuff and to have to be like "this is some of it because you were kind in asking and I'm fine with explaining more since you want to be respectful, but also like, don't worry about it???"

[delta-experiment]

is there a reason why frisk was called a "she" ?

Good question! This is a question I’ve been asked a few times, so I feel like I should address it in full.

Firstly, to get it out of the way, I’m not trying to say that people who identify as nonbinary don’t exist, or anything like that. 

The short answer is that it’s to make Frisk and Chara stand out from one another, to make Kris a truly neutral party as the combination of the two, and to explore two sides of children not conforming to their expected gender roles. Keep reading if you want the long answer.

Frisk, Kris and Chara are all characters that -- while they do have their own lives and personalities -- are meant to be blank slates that the player can identify with. Toby Fox himself confirmed that this is the case. To me, this means that to a certain extent the player gets to decide certain aspects of their characters.

Kris, in Deltarune, is in many ways a mix of Frisk and Chara’s personalities and appearances. So for this story, we’ve reverse-engineered Kris and split them into Frisk and Chara -- a tomboyish girl and a feminine boy, respectively.

Frisk’s biological sex is female, and so Toriel and some other characters refer to them as such. Asriel, MK and most other characters refer to Frisk as a “they”. Some people will even misgender Frisk as a male over the course of the story. Frisk doesn’t correct them because they don’t care very much, but she goes by she/they. Chara, when they are introduced, is a male, but also goes by “they” pronouns much of the time. Some, however, will still misgender Chara as a female.

So overall, in this story, Frisk is biologically female, but is very tomboyish in her mannerisms, likes and dislikes. Chara will be biologically male, but very feminine in his interests. And so when you combine them, they “cancel out” -- ending up with a genderless, truly neutral Kris. I thought it would be more interesting to explore multiple avenues of children who don’t quite fit into gender norms, rather than having three characters with the exact same identity (kris doesn’t appear in the story, but if they did, they’d be truly neutral).

In real life, some people don’t grasp the concept of a nonbinary identity, and that can even include family. And at the same time, many people who identify as nonbinary are perfectly comfortable with going by their biological pronouns. So that’s essentially what’s going on here.

Frisk and Chara are still children at the end of the day, and Toriel is Frisk’s mother. It makes sense that Toriel-- her proper, traditional, religious mother -- would refer to Frisk as her biological sex. If Frisk asked her mother not to because they felt uncomfortable, I’m sure both of them could come to an agreement. But for now, Frisk doesn’t really care. They’ve got better things to be worrying about. At the end of the day, the audience knowing Frisk’s biology doesn’t make their identity any less real, just like real life.

I hope that’s a good explanation! I don’t want to offend anyone.

[she-is-ovarit]

Asking you "why can't you just be happy with the body you are born with" as a non-genuine question is unhelpful, and it's no wonder that didn't do you any good because that's a rhetorical question that usually just results in you (or whoever) feeling shame for not liking your body. I have never met anyone in the entire world who has been helped by someone stating to them, "why can't you just be happy" because it essentially translates to, "you are being selfish for feeling this way". There is a difference in asking "What makes you unable to be happy or comfortable within your body?" with genuineness and curiosity and the intention to learn from the answer vs. just having that said to one's face with judgement.

i was happy with my body. i enjoyed wearing outfits that emphasised my chest and waist, i thought i looked hot as and i was comfortable with that. at the same time, i kept being misgendered. strangers would refer to me as “lady” taking one look at me, even people i had introduced myself as using they/he would use she pronouns for me. it was never anyone’s first guess that i might not be a girl.

My genuine question to this would be - what does it mean to you to be a girl and not be a girl? Like, how do you know you are not a girl? I'm not asking this to be annoying, this is a question fundamental to a core aspect of your reality and I ask it out of curiosity. The way in which I perceive my reality is very different than yours.

i was asking why? i do my masculine makeup everyday, i wear my pronoun pins, i know they’ll asssume i’m a girl from my chest but why is there never a split second of hesitation? even from the people i’ve told?

So, I have a graduate background in biology and just ended a contract essentially teaching biology while doing research. The reason why other human beings are classifying you as a girl or female is because humans have an evolutionary, instinctual ability to accurately determine or distinguish sex - humans are sexually dimorphic mammals. This ability has been developing for the extent of human history, and it is such a honed skill that regardless of what clothes or makeup someone wears, we're still able to know whether someone is of the male or female sex (the exception being online photos, which can be manipulated to not reflect how a person naturally looks). Sex is more than just "genitals", it describes one of the two reproductive pathways a person's entire body system develops down. The general population also doesn't believe that "girl", "woman", "boy", etc. are just social roles - these terms and the pronouns associated with these terms are rooted in biology for most people globally. This is why there isn't that split second of hesitation coming from people to refer to you as female.

whenever i asked this question i was told multiple times over. no one would see me as nonbinary if i still looked like a girl. no one would view me as who i am unless i conformed to what they expected me to be. and that was when i started hating my body. buying binders and wearing them for 10+ hours because i couldn’t go to university without it. wearing clothes purely from the male section so i could maybe hide my curves. cutting my hair down to a masculine style instead of the shoulder length one i loved to play with and style. i haven’t put makeup on in months, when taking that time to do some eyeliner, or draw some stars next to my eyes, was what gave me the confidence to leave the house.

I would ask these people, "what the hell does it mean to look like a girl"? and call them out when they start listing sexist stereotypes and beauty norms. What an offensive and sexist thing for them to say to you. I do not shave my legs, I wear men's clothes, I don't wear makeup, and if I chopped all my hair off I would still "look like a woman" because I am a woman, and I recognize you have a different conception of being or not being a girl than I do it seems, but the only thing that makes me "look like a woman" is female sexual dimorphism. Not clothes or haircuts or cosmetics.

Of course you would start hating your body because of those responses and that reaction, because that's sexism and that's misogyny. And I don't say that from a distance, I've had those types of comments thrown at me growing up my whole life. They were a little different though because I was a highly gender nonconforming little girl growing up with mannerisms and gestures and speech patterns that reminded my classmates and peers of a boy and made adult relatives feel that there was something deeply wrong with me. Being told I couldn't go shirtless and watching the neighbor boy be shirtless radicalized me at age 7-8 years old. But I still had the expectation of, "wear a dress to this formal event" when wearing dresses made me feel this deep unexplainable humiliation. So I absolutely understand why you started hating your body because of those comments. I don't think that people really realize that misogyny, sexism, female socialization is trauma. It doesn't matter that you felt more comfortable with practicing elements of femininity - people were telling you that femininity is what makes someone a girl, and they associated your sex with beauty norms and reduced you to beauty norms. It is no wonder you are attempting to claw your way out.

it wasn’t that i wanted to change every part of my body. i was learning to love who i was. i was using my confidence in my gender identity to build a confidence in my appearance i never had when i was using she/her.

It sounds like using different pronouns and modifying your body is a way of making you feel confident or comfortable in your appearance - indicating that below the surface you don't feel comfortable in how you look. To me this sounds like you might be attempting to build internal confidence by external validation and affirmation. This isn't healthy simply because it means depending on an outside source for self-worth and the ability to feel undisturbed in your own skin. Which means it would make it very easy for unhealthy dynamics in relationships to form and could allow for comments by others - mean or benign - to cause you crisis. That's a vulnerable place to be.

but when everyone is telling you the only way to be seen as the person you are, the person you love, you have to change lego you are” to fit with who they think you should be.

I think there's a typo here, but I feel I might understand the message. I empower you to challenge how much importance you place on "being seen [by others] as the person you are, the person you love". It is absolutely your choice as to whether you want to challenge this internal perception in the first place and I am not here to take that choice from you. But we are not responsible for how others see us. So long as we feel responsible for how others see us, we can cause both ourselves and other people quite a lot of unintentional suffering. Your existence and who you are is independent from other people's perceptions of you and how they articulate their own reality. Right? If the answer is no, the struggle is more than just pronouns and clothes.

so i’ve heard some people asking (both to me and online) why trans people have to change our bodies, why we can’t be happy with what we were born with. it’s usually followed by “it’s what god gave you” or “since genitals aren’t gender according to you”, and i wanna take a wee moment to talk about my side of it.

i was happy with my body. i enjoyed wearing outfits that emphasised my chest and waist, i thought i looked hot as and i was comfortable with that. at the same time, i kept being misgendered. strangers would refer to me as “lady” taking one look at me, even people i had introduced myself as using they/he would use she pronouns for me. it was never anyone’s first guess that i might not be a girl.

i was asking why? i do my masculine makeup everyday, i wear my pronoun pins, i know they’ll asssume i’m a girl from my chest but why is there never a split second of hesitation? even from the people i’ve told?

whenever i asked this question i was told multiple times over. no one would see me as nonbinary if i still looked like a girl. no one would view me as who i am unless i conformed to what they expected me to be. and that was when i started hating my body. buying binders and wearing them for 10+ hours because i couldn’t go to university without it. wearing clothes purely from the male section so i could maybe hide my curves. cutting my hair down to a masculine style instead of the shoulder length one i loved to play with and style. i haven’t put makeup on in months, when taking that time to do some eyeliner, or draw some stars next to my eyes, was what gave me the confidence to leave the house.

the outfits that i used to love wearing, that brought me joy and confidence, sit in my cupboard gathering dust. i keep them, hoping one day i can wear them again, but can’t help but reach for the same “masculine” fits every time i need.

it wasn’t that i wanted to change every part of my body. i was learning to love who i was. i was using my confidence in my gender identity to build a confidence in my appearance i never had when i was using she/her. but when everyone is telling you the only way to be seen as the person you are, the person you love, you have to change lego you are” to fit with who they think you should be.

tldr; you can’t demand nonbinary and trans people conform to your ideas of what gender should look like, then ask why we’re changing our bodies so “dangerously”.

[nonbinaryresource]

pls forgive me if i mistakenly word something incorrectly/use the wrong term bc i’m still learning, but i’m questioning if i’m nb and i need some help.. i’ve never really felt like a girl, but i’m definitely not a boy either. i’m biologically female and i use she/her pronouns and don’t really want to change that and i also present myself somewhat femininely thru my style. is nb the correct term for me? or is there maybe another term that would fit me better?

Hi, there!

Since you’re new, I’d like to talk about terminology a little bit. This isn’t to scold you, just to share more perspective!

So “biologically female” can be useful for some people and if someone prefers to use that for themself, that should absolutely be respected. But it isn’t a term that should just be applied generally to everyone! I am nonbinary, therefore I am biologically nonbinary. There’s a lot of misguided effort in saying “biologically [gender]”, especially when it’s by cis folk and/or being applied as a blanket statement to all trans/nb people. Basically, unless someone is personally using it for themself, I consider it a sneaky way of misgendering trans people. It comes from the idea of the “sex =/=gender” split, which is supposed to help people new to the trans identity understand what trans means more easily.

Trans simply means ‘does not identify only and wholly as the gender they were assigned at birth’ (whereas cis means ‘identifying only and wholly as the gender they were assigned at birth’). Because the way we assign gender is... pretty simple and subjective. Doctors take a look at a baby’s outer reproductive genitalia, assign a gender based on that, and call it a day. Only it gets even more complicated when you include intersex people in the conversation. Intersex is a broad category we use for people with variations in their sexual anatomy that don’t match up with the binary anatomies of either external or internal genitalia and what typically goes along with each of those. These conditions can be anything from an extra chromosome to ambiguous physical genitalia to more. A lot of intersex conditions aren’t even visible at birth, so babies like this are marked as they appear to the doctor and may only find out at an older age that they are intersex if/when a health condition pops up. And intersex babies whose condition is visible? ...They are often mutilated: surgically made to appear as if they only have external or internal sexual genitalia. I think this is one of the clearest examples of just how subjective and simplistic the system that we use to assign people gender is, which is why “biologically [gender]” isn’t broadly useful.

Because a long time ago someone decided to take a rather simplistic view of gender and randomly assign people one of two genders based on random criteria, which happened to be visible genitalia. And we used this determination to separate people into two categories of social class and treat them differently because of this. When someone says “male” or “female” or “man” or “woman”, people have the same connotation regardless. So trying to separate sex from gender as two different concepts... well, it isn’t the greatest idea, as that means erasing a meaning/connotation people have for one of those terms and redefining it. It is much easier - and more accurate - to instead expand our understanding. As well, a method such as this, where you could understand that I have [x] set of genitalia and [x] set of chromosomes and am nonbinary regardless of all of that would result in much better healthcare because it would actually give doctors relevant information about my body and health, rather than relying on assumptions based on if I check an “M” or “F” box.

So if you find defining yourself as “biologically female” as useful, that’s fine and don’t let me stop you from defining your own experience! I know a few nonbinary people who find the “sex =/= gender” split useful for defining their experience and how they figured out they were nonbinary. But as a general rule, it’s just a description to not use in an umbrella way.

If you already knew that, sorry for being redundant! But since you said you were still learning, I thought it might be useful. ^^

So let’s move more onto your question. I’m just going to repeat it here, since it could have gotten a little lost after my explanation:

i’ve never really felt like a girl, but i’m definitely not a boy either. i’m biologically female and i use she/her pronouns and don’t really want to change that and i also present myself somewhat femininely thru my style. is nb the correct term for me? or is there maybe another term that would fit me better?             

So, as noted earlier, trans simply means ‘does not wholly or only identify as the gender you were assigned at birth’. More specifically for nonbinary, we can define this as: ‘not identifying wholly or only as the gender you were assigned at birth AND not identifying only or wholly as man or woman’. Note that this says nothing about your genitalia, pronouns, name, presentation, expression, or anything else superficial. Because all that stuff doesn’t have to define your gender! So you were assigned female at birth, dress femininely, use she/her pronouns, and don’t mind being read as a woman? You can totally still be nonbinary! There is no bar or test that you have to pass for your identity to be valid! All you have to do is identify as nonbinary!

As you have touched on in your ask, gender really comes down to how you feel. There’s two posts I want to suggest here where a couple other people go over what gender “is”. They’re good reads and when trying to figure out what the heck gender feels like, it’s always good to be able to get multiple perspectives to see if you can find one that’s helpful for you! They are “What is Gender? What Does it Feel Like?” by askanonbinary and “Gender is Art” by wedontcareaboutyourbinary. I’m not great at explaining open and subjective concepts like this, but for me, gender is an innate feeling of who you are. It’s a connection you make, either (or multiply) with a label(s), others, and/or yourself. It is something internal that can have external influences and expressions.

So when you say “i’ve never really felt like a girl, but i’m definitely not a boy either.” - this sounds like your gender!!! And, as we saw defined above, you don’t feel wholly and only like a girl or a boy, so it sounds like you do fall under the label of nonbinary!

That being said, I want to touch on “is nb the correct term for me?” and the answer is... that’s totally up to you! I really like how I saw nbandproud put it: “Gender is Not A Diagnosis”. There is no formula for determining your identity (although I know many of us would find it easier if there were!). You can’t just check off a list of feelings, expression, etc., and get a simple output that defines who you are. We describe our gender with a label, and labels are, first and foremost, for ourself. They are to help us describe how we feel and communicate this to others. And there is absolutely an important part of this that has to do with human emotion and connection. Two people could potentially have the same exact gender feels, yet could decide to use two separate labels for how they feel because that’s the term they connected with and decided to use. And neither of them would be wrong for doing so! That would be like me calling someone beautiful and another person arguing with me that the someone is actually gorgeous. We are using two words with similar meaning but used the word we felt at the time. Neither of us are wrong that ‘someone’ is beautiful or gorgeous. We simply used different words for it.

So only you can decide if nonbinary is the correct term for you. Often, the best way to decide this is to use the label for yourself for a while! How long that while is can be up to you. It’s fine if a while is months or years long!!! It took me a matter of several years to fall in love with the term nonbinary - and even longer to fall harder in love with genderqueer.  I simply wasn’t sure and struggled with accepting myself for that time, but in the end, those are the labels I’ve landed on (at least for now - it can always change in the future). Using the term doesn’t mean you have to come out, either. You can just use it privately. Think of yourself in regards to being nonbinary. Draw nonbinary people. Write nonbinary characters. See if the label fits you or if there’s always a disconnect with it. Experiment and decide if nonbinary is the correct term for you!

As perhaps implied above with my own identity, nonbinary doesn’t have to be the only correct term for you if that’s how you feel. You can use as many or as few labels as you want. You can use nonbinary as a specific and/or general term. You can use as specific or as general a term as you want - you can use a general term and an ultra specific one. It’s your identity: whatever you feel fits is the correct term for you!

I can suggest some more terms if you’re interested in hearing more, but there are a whoooooole lot of identities that could generally be described as “neither girl nor boy”. One of the more well-known terms I can throw based on this out would be agender: lack of a gender. If you are interested, I would suggest just flipping through some glossaries. Here are a few of my suggestions:

http://genderfluidsupport.tumblr.com/genderhttp://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Gender_Identitieshttps://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Main_Page

Then, of course, there’s whole lexicon blogs meant to help spread and share and celebrate terms that people are coming up with everyday. Blogs like @genderlist, @beyond-mogai-pride-flags, and @imoga-pride.

I will warn you that these blogs can be overwhelming, especially if you’re desperate for that One Perfect Term(TM). They’re a lot to go through because there’s a lot of different ways people can feel and feel about their gender! If you find them overwhelming, take a break! You don’t have to have that One Perfect Term(TM). I don’t! And I am finally comfortable in the fact that I simply don’t understand my gender enough nor am I able to so specifically pin it down that it can be described with a term and simple definition. So if you get overwhelmed, take a break, give yourself some self-care, and go back to reading later. Questioning can takes years, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Now... have a kitten for getting through all that text! And feel free to ask as many questions as you need!

[gif of a tiny white kitten getting its paw gently squeezed by someone with long, painted nails. the kitten places its other paw on the finger, sandwiching them in a teeny hug, laying its head down, and closing its eyes in complete peace]

~Tera

[lesbianherstorian]

The “dubious” and “mysterious” Mr. Gill

I have seen a lot of opinion pieces and heated discussion around the upcoming film Rub & Tug featuring Scarlett Johansson (a completely inappropriate casting choice, something that I thankfully have seen most LGBT people rightfully disagree with.)

However, I am unable to find articles, books, or any publications of any sort regarding Gill, his identity, or even his life, save for websites mentioning his obituary and one research site featuring an academic conference paper (x). There is not even a Wikipedia page available. The only search engine results for Gill are news sites reporting about Scarlett Johansson, so I decided to dig through archives to see what I could find. 

Though the obituary (x) (and some excerpts from it) has circulated, I have seen a lot of people entirely ignore, or even crop out, the part where Gill is described as both “an unabashed lesbian” and “in the transgender community, which at the time was so underground it had yet to acquire that label.” 

Considering how difficult it has always been for any news outlet to publish the L word ― lesbian ― or to recognize someone as transgender, let alone in an obituary, I am inclined to believe that family and friends of Gill, and the newspaper staff who knew Gill well, got it right. In another entry, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette even describes Gill as “a lesbian, [who] married Cynthia Bruno of Dallas, Texas, in Hawaii and lived with her in Pittsburgh before the couple eventually split.” (x)

In the guestbook of the obituary on Legacy.com (x), Gill’s family and friends use she/her pronouns, save for one entry referring to Gill as “he”. This could be explained by transphobic family members and friends misgendering in death, but we also have no evidence that Gill objected to these pronouns being used by people close to him who were neither his business partners nor his clients, especially not just years before his death, when he was still being interviewed by local newspapers in the 1990′s.

Gill received both “the dubious woman of the year” and “the dubious man of the year” awards (x) in the same local newspaper that previously reported his criminal behavior and later reported his passing, of which he was friendly with the staff. I do find it very unlikely that a mafia crime boss himself would allow for them to post his photographs and information this way had he objected to the wording, though it is possible.

It was often stated that Gill “dressed like a man” (x) and “preferred to be called a man” (x) and was married to a woman (x). The overlap in Gill’s obituary between lesbianism and transmasculinity is absolutely not unusual for the time period in which he lived, and it is a historical fact about the community. This gray, fuzzy, undefined area ― of what now seems to many as puzzlingly contradictory identities ― was the reality of many who passed away before and around the turn of the 21st century.

In no way do I intend to liken Dante “Tex” Gill’s identity and experiences as directly analogous to that of Leslie Feinberg, but I do believe that Feinberg’s self-conception and writings can help provide important context for transgender and lesbian identity around the height of Gill’s criminal activity. Feinberg defined “transgender” as all those who blur or bridge the boundary of the sex or gender expression they were assigned at birth (x), including butch lesbians and masculine women who cross-dressed and passed as men for a number of reasons -- to run businesses, to fake marriage certificates, and to survive (x). This is, of course, an incredibly broad and disputed transgender umbrella, and as such, we do not use this framework anymore. It was, however, used contemporarily in Gill’s time by many gender nonconforming people, especially of the working class. Some butch lesbians medically transitioned and preferred to be referred to with male honorifics while retaining their lesbian identity, or felt as though they “floated in between” when they had no labels to properly describe their experiences, and it is important to keep this history intact. 

It is only natural to speculate how someone who never used the terms of our modern framework might describe themself. But to do so and to decisively, retroactively label them as something they never self-described as is ahistorical and anachronistic. 

What I do know and hold to be true is this: using anything other than known self-identification at the time or the historical contextual terms does a disservice to both the legacies of deceased gender nonconforming people who are unable to set the record straight, and to the history of the formation and evolution of LGBT identities. The labels that are now outdated, and the ambiguity that remains confusing to us, are still important to recognize in their contexts so as not to erase historical identities nor the evidence of the strides we have made. 

I can only hope that historians or surviving members of the Gill family will come forward to speak on his experiences and condemn any misinformation that has or will circulate about Dante. Until then, I will be avoiding giving any attention to this undeserving film entirely. No thank you, I do not trust Hollywood to ever understand the history and intricacies of our identities. 

an album of newspaper articles I have put together on the life and times of Mr. Dante “Tex” Gill: (x)

materials that may also be helpful in understanding the complexity of sexuality and gender identity, and the historic overlap of lesbianism and transmasculinity: (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: “They” Is Not A Neutral Word

My mother sent me a link to a Slate podcast interview with Farhad Manjoo, a New York Times op-ed writer who recently began going by “they/them” pronouns. In the interview, Manjoo states that they are a cisgender man, but they no longer want to be referred to with “he/him” pronouns. They talk about the negative impact that forced gendering has on people – citing their young daughter’s stubborn belief that presidents must be men – and posits that everyone should be referred to as “they” instead of as “he” or “she.”

Manjoo’s idea is initially intriguing. As a society, we slap gender onto our children right away. When a child is born, the first question anyone asks the parent is, “Is it a boy or a girl?” And as innocuous as this may seem, a lot of baggage comes along with this early labeling. Studies show that adults will treat a baby differently if they are told that the baby is a boy than if they are told that the baby is a girl – describing the same baby behavior as “angry” if they think it’s a boy or “happy” if they think it’s a girl, and allowing supposedly-boy babies to take greater risks than supposedly-girl babies. Adults don’t realize that they’re treating the babies differently based on their assumptions, but they are.

Additionally, cross-analyses of studies of the human brain indicate that there is no significant difference between male babies’ brains and female babies’ brains – but there are significant differences between adult male brains and adult female brains. Along the way, the way the children are treated changes them, and Manjoo’s anecdote about his daughter’s early political opinions shows one of the negative results of this differential treatment.

In a world where we didn’t really care about gender at all, where we didn’t tell a baby right from day one the kind of person that they should be, perhaps everyone would be truly free to explore our own gender and figure out our personalities without the impact of stereotypes. If we didn’t split up sports into “men” and “women” categories, and instead had everyone compete based on physical ability, then athletes like Caster Semenya would not be mistreated by the highly problematic sports institution of “sex testing.” We could move on into a world that cares more about individuals than categories. The idea is appealing.

What gives me pause is Manjoo’s assertion that the “just, rational, inclusive” thing to do here is for everyone to go by “they.” Manjoo seems to think that the “they” pronoun is not only a gender-neutral pronoun, but also a completely neutral concept. They also seem to see nothing wrong with a cisgender man telling other people what pronouns to use.

It troubled me that this podcast did not have any voices from the transgender community contributing to the conversation. It further troubles me how difficult it was to sift through the Google results of cisgender people arguing over whether singular “they” is “grammatically correct” (language changes based on the needs of the speaking society, and is not forever beholden to the rules of the past – deal with it) and find a non-cisgender writer commenting on the deeper moral issue here. It isn’t surprising to me that the loudest voices in this conversation about pronouns are people who have never struggled to get other people to use their proper pronouns, because privilege comes with a platform, but that doesn’t make it right.

I finally found Brian Fabry Dorsam, an agender writer. Where Manjoo claims that gender is a cause of “confusion, anxiety, and grief,” Dorsam points out that gender itself is not the cause of these negative things. Misgendering is.

When someone refers to Dorsam as “they,” it is not a neutral statement. For Dorsam, “they” is an acknowledgement of their pronouns, of their identity, of the way they want the world to see them. It is an affirmation, a positive act, a specific act.

Manjoo may not care about their gender – again, they say that they are still a cisgender man, and that they do not mind being called “he” – but Dorsam does, and so does an entire world of transgender people. Manjoo has never had to struggle to get people to take them and their gender seriously. People have always looked at Manjoo and assumed their gender correctly. Perhaps that is why Manjoo thinks that it is no big deal to give up their pronouns, and why they think that everyone should go by the same pronouns.

Manjoo’s mistake is assuming that treating everyone “the same” is the same as being “inclusive.”

If we were to take Manjoo’s advice and slap the same pronoun onto everyone, then we would be treating everyone “the same.” But if you call a transgender man who uses “he/him” pronouns “they,” you are not making a neutral statement. You are saying, “I do not recognize you as ‘he.’ I will not call you what you want to be called. I know better than you what pronouns you should use.”

This is not being inclusive. This is not treating someone with respect. This is being oppressive.

“Nothing is inclusive when it is forced,” says Dorsam. “True inclusivity is the recognition of each individual’s humanity on their own terms. Anything else is erasure.”

Dorsam suggests – and I agree – that there are two things that we must do instead.

First, we must do everything we can to raise our children in a gender-neutral manner. This means recognizing our subconscious biases about gender and putting an active effort into providing our children with access to all kinds of clothing, toys, stories, and role models. This will allow them to develop their own ideas about who they are.

Second, we must stop assuming other people’s pronouns. Instead, when we meet someone, we should ask for the person’s pronouns.

“Hi, I’m Sophie! My pronouns are she/her. How about you?”

It can be as simple as that. “What are your pronouns?” or “May I please have your pronouns of reference?” are other ways to phrase the question. You can also ask a mutual friend about someone’s pronouns, if you don’t yet feel comfortable asking the person directly.

If you do not know someone’s pronouns, it’s okay to use a gender-neutral term – such as “they,” “my friend,” or the person’s name – until you learn the proper pronouns. Once you do know the person’s pronouns, you must use those pronouns.

While chatting with my mother about the podcast and the surrounding issue, she pointed out that having everyone use “they” is the easy way out. Treating everyone the same, she said, is “less work than to care about individuals.”

She’s right. This takes work. Respect and inclusivity always take work. Manjoo is encouraging the easy way out, the way of erasure, the way that lets them feel above the “gender problem” while in reality they are causing more discomfort for people who face a daily struggle to have their genders taken seriously.

I think it’s worth the effort.

[mirroredglitch]

On the Topic of "Friends"

After seeing the post that @fiftyshadesofdes made last night, I finally have the courage to discuss more thoroughly my experience with someone in the Mystic Messenger fandom. I would like to start with saying that if you got a notification for this post, it is because you are involved in some way. A few names shall be omitted for the sole reason that I don't want backlash from them specifically, but still.

This is going to get rather long, so, under a cut it goes!!

Many of you who follow me know that I was good friends with someone who writes a... decently well known fic involving the Choi twins. And some who I have talked more extensively with will know that this person and I are no longer friends.

I have to start from the beginning though, because although things got extra bad towards the end, there were events that happened along the way that hurt me deeply as well, and that I realize now were manipulative and abusive.

This person and I met through tumblr. I started following them after binge reading a few of their fics. And surprisingly, they followed me back. I was stunned, honestly. Someone I admired had noticed me! Me, who hasn't been active in any fandom in a long time, got in with someone I admired rather quickly.

They invited me to a server on Discord, and we talked more and more. Eventually becoming really, really good friends. I had never connected with someone as quickly as I did with them. We clung to eachother, in a way that I realize now was ultimately rather unhealthy.

I defended them when a 'friend' of theirs insisted on belittling them in the server. Like, I ripped into this person. I don't tolerate bullying, and if I see injustice of any kind, then I speak up. So that's what I did. And this person appreciated that. Probably too much, since this ultimately bit me in the ass later, but I'll get to that.

We, and a few other friends, started a fandom project. This project was met with... a lot of drama and controversy. We lost a friend in the process, and a few of our contributors left rather quickly. But we stuck with it. I would have defended that project and the people who were part of it with my life. And for a good chunk of it, I felt I had to. I answered asks, some of which were honestly nasty. I put out our PR announcements, and was met with some backlash with some of it.

I started to become friends with one of our contributors, @casualpastelgay. We had a shared love of Zen, and I was so, so happy to have someone to gush with about him, because my other friend disliked him so heavily. So I stopped talking about him with them, because I always seemed to be met with annoyance and animosity when I talked about him. Because he wasn't Saeyoung, and because this person also associated Zen with an ex-friend of theirs (the same one I defended them against previously).

I invited Raine into a server I made for my friends. And we talked about Zen in there. As well as discussing Vanderwood with @lokiiwood. My other friend decided that because we weren't talking about Saeyoung or Saeran, that they no longer had a voice. I was accused of replacing them as my best friend with Raine. I was made to feel awful for having friends other than them.

I had to deal with this while being sick, and camping with my (now ex) boyfriend and his family. I had to deal with dysphoria, and being misgendered and dead named, as well as the anxiety that I felt like my friendship with this person was crumbling for reasons I didn't even know. Because they weren't talking to me about why they were upset.

If I recall, shortly before this, I had started working on a Choi Sandwich fic that was meant to be a gift for this person. But, I was dealing with stress and so focused my attention to discussing an idea that was deeply important to me involving Zen. And I was bitched out for even thinking of an idea that wasn't this gift for them. Something that was meant as a stress reliever was treated with contempt by someone who I believed had my back.

They actually left my discord server because they were so upset at me.

The nail in the coffin on this? They had been complaining about how another friend acted jealous towards our friendship, and how they just wanted to be allowed to have other friends... but then turned around and acted the exact same way towards me.

We worked out our shit though, and I thought things were fine. But they threw a fit when I started getting closer with Karin/@lokiiwood as well. I had... a massive crush on her and they knew that, and got upset that I was talking to her as much as I did??

All throughout this, things were going... weird with the project we were modding. @fiftyshadesofdes had joined our team, as well as a few others, but I mention Des specifically because this person was truly awful to her. They got upset when one of our other friends starting getting close to Des and her date mate, @joz-stankovich. I heard numerous times how they thought that Joz and Des were petty and childish. And they misgendered Joz numerous times, which I got frustrated hearing, too. Because if they couldn't use their preferred pronouns, how could I expect this person to use mine when talking to others? As a trans guy, this deeply upset me, but, I held my tongue.

It reached the point where they were actually trash talking the art and writing of these two in private to me. Which was disheartening because they spoke so highly of them prior to Joz and Des deciding that they needed to step away from this person.

One of our other friends had also stopped talking to them for a while because of how they were being treated. And good lord... the amount of times I was complained to about how childish they were being. And how hurt they felt by this person... was honestly overwhelming. Remember how I mentioned earlier that my need to help bit me in the ass? Yeah, I went and talked to this person, and helped the two of them repair their friendship. It felt good to help, but now I feel as though my kindness and need to help was taken advantage of.

While all this was going on, I had to take a step back from the fandom project. I had a lot of life changes going on, and my mental health was getting extremely bad. To the point where I genuinely wanted to kill myself. I had split up with my boyfriend. I moved back in with my mom and brother. My grandmother passed away. My life was honestly a mess.

This person was by me through all of that. The mod team understood why I needed to take a break.

And then I got a new job. And I met my current boyfriend. And I stopped being online as much. I tried to message friends when I could, providing updates. Life was looking up.

My friend ignored me. Every single time I messaged them.

Until they finally responded, getting very upset with me for not being around. For 'abandoning' them. I got upset in return, and I lashed out. I think them getting upset with me for being happy and having a life was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

I was told I was being replaced on the Choi Sandwich Week mod team. Because I couldn't be trusted to commit to it. So I left the blog and gave them full control. I transferred ownership of the discord server for it to them and left. I was so hurt that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.

They left all of our other mutual servers in return.

A few days later I was informed by the current head of our fandom project that I would not be credited as part of the team because it was unfair to the others for me to be credited when I was taking a mental health break. Despite all the work I put into handling things on the blog. Despite the fact that I had been a part of this project from its conception. I had been through hell and back for this project, and this is what I got in return?

I told myself I was okay with that. And then a day or two later I saw that my ability to see all the channels in the server for this project had been revoked. And I was so deeply upset that I just... gave up. I left. I was done being treated like a villain for doing what I felt I needed to. I had been told that my not being credited had nothing to do with my personal relationships with anyone in the team, but the fact that it was mentioned, and what happened afterwards just proves that it absolutely did.

After our fight, I had made the decision to block this person on tumblr and twitter. And I made a post about how a good friend had hurt me. I was upset and I needed to vent. Joz, Des, and Karin were there for me. Joz and Des being surprising to me at the time because I thought they disliked me for being as close with this person as I was. I was pleasantly surprised that they were so open and accepting of me when I reached out to them.

Some time later, I tried to reach out to this person again though. Because I was hurting. How does one go from being best friends to practically hating eachother overnight like that?

I got bitched out for defending myself. For venting. For blocking them when I assumed they wanted nothing to do with me. I was the bad guy once again.

I also found out recently that they hurt my friend @aromaticboar as well. I don't know if they even realized they did it, but still. I know she's done chasing down their friendship, and so am I.

I will not name this person in this post, but anyone who wants to know is welcome to send me a DM. To those of you who know who I'm talking about... thank you for being by my side while I pulled myself together again after I was hurt.

And to anyone who has been manipulated or emotionally abused, by this person or anyone else... know that you are not alone. I stand by you and am always open to talk.

Thanks for listening.

[transssexualheart]

transmeds really be thinking that there are binary trans men out there who legitimately dress in tight dresses, purposely try to increase their busts, wear their hair long, wear full faces of makeup, and generally dress in the most stereotypically feminine manner ever on purpose and by complete choice before medical transition and don’t want to medically transition and don’t experience social dysphoria upon being misgendered and are genuinely incredibly pissed and flabbergasted that you wouldn’t know their gender upon first glance. like transmeds really think there are trans people out there like that. none of us are like that, even those of us that enjoy dressing feminine, because god damn if that’s not valid, most of us still try desperately to “pass” despite dressing “femininely”, and like every trans person ever experiences social dysphoria or gender euphoria if not physical dysphoria, sometimes all of the above. like there is literally no trans person out there that doesn’t give one single fuck at all about anything, and if you give any fucks about people misgendering you, people saying you aren’t a gender that you say you are, your body not feeling right, or feeling fantastic when people gender you correctly, then that’s an indication that you have some type of gender dysphoria or euphoria. and, even then, if you give no fucks either way, then who gives one absolute shit what fucking pronouns you use. who cares. gender is a European invention and a social construct. and, yeah, if you don’t care at all and just say whatever use these pronouns bc why not, it’s a different experience than what i previously described in reference to being trans, for sure! it’s definitely not the same thing. but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. y’all are saying that it affects trans people trying to transition, and it doesn’t. Those people aren’t trying to transition. it changes nothing for us. y’all are saying that it affects how cis people accept us, and i understand that fear because god if everyone doesn’t wanna be accepted and loved, and also because unfortunately cis people affect a lot of our rights, but anyone that’s going to refuse to accept all trans people because they don’t understand non binary genders or gender as a concept, news flash, wasn’t going to accept any of us in the first place. it’s their excuse, it’s not their reason. also, our main concern should not be to appeal to our oppressors. gaining rights is not about bending to be what your oppressors want you to be. licking the boots of cis people is not going to help any of us, and it will rather divide us and pit us against ourselves, as it has done, it will split us between a group that believes trans is one specific thing that’s easiest for cis people to stomach solely out of fear for not being accepted by their oppressors, and a group that believes that being transgender has a wider definition and would like to unabashedly be themselves and exist comfortably in their own lives. meanwhile, our mutual oppressor is killing us while we sit here arguing about shit that doesn’t matter. we’re all arguing over the actual definition of transgender as if it’s not being written out of dictionaries entirely by the current leadership. as if the bill blocking trans people from entering the military didn’t go through recently. as if terfs aren’t running rampant around us. as if there aren’t rapidly rising groups that would kill all of us regardless of our opinions on what makes a trans person if they had their way. if nobody can change your fucking mind about being a transmed then fine. there’s nothing we can do about that. but there are bigger fucking fish to fry here. there are more important things to be focusing on, and the people causing them want us to be preoccupied with this garbage so that we don’t stand up against it. can we please just be siblings now, despite disagreements, and fight a greater evil here?

[100percentdirtball]

@himboii decent, but not gr8. i was like, a tiny bit out ish, in that i would occasionally wear like pronouns pins and things but literally never call any attention to them at all. it’s just this semester that i like, told my professors i was changing my name//pronouns, introduced myself as such in classes. it’s a community college, and i’m older, so i don’t like. have friends there i had to come out to? one of my professors misgenders me super regularly but the others are all like actively affirming, and my classmates are split between “they don’t refer to me or look at me or speak to me or anyone so i cannot possibly know what they think of me” and that thing where like. using the right name and gender language, but then also, it’s in a way where it’s pretty clear they are doing it strictly as a courtesy or bc it is expected of them, not bc it actually lines up with their conception of you? 

idk there are a few ppl who i think legit have my back and i like a lot, but mostly campus is p. lonely, without being actively distressing

[lindwurmkai]

Gender: WTF is it?

After many years of research and contemplation, I finally feel like I can say with some confidence that I have formed a stable opinion of what the nebulous concept known as "gender" actually is. So what does it mean to be a man, a woman, a nonbinary gender, several of these, or none? What is gender about, if not stereotypes? I truly believe I can answer that now. :) [Note: we are reinterpreting and refining a flawed social construct here. This is often hard to accomplish using language that already exists, since so many terms have definitions that are themselves based on the old understanding. I'm not interested in arguing semantics. Language is only a tool that we use to communicate abstract ideas, and what matters is that we reach an accord regarding the ideas themselves. Please try to keep that in mind.] My conclusion is that "gender" is, in fact, a combination of two related but separate things, which it might make sense to split up in the future. For now, people are using "gender" to refer to both of them because it's the only word they have. Neither aspect "deserves" to become the ultimate definition more than the other; they've been used interchangeably for too long. The two components are these: 1) A sense of kinship, siblinghood, sameness, belonging, or whatever you want to call it, in relation to the group(s) of people known as [insert gender or umbrella term here]. The feeling that when you're surrounded by fellow men, women, nonbinary people, or even people of a specific nonbinary gender, you're in the right place - but not in the sense that you like these people more than others. It also has nothing to do with shared personality traits or which traditional gender roles you prefer, if any. Perhaps you're "not like the other ___" and mostly hang out with people of a different gender; that's fine. But are you one of them? Why not? (You don't need to be able to answer.) Not everyone experiences this sense of belonging. If you don't, you may wish to look into agender as a label, but of course there's no need for that if this state of being doesn't affect your life in any way. Just please believe the rest of us when we say it's a thing, because it's definitely real for large parts of the population. 2) The way we feel about the gendered parts of our bodies (gendered as in "associated with a certain gender by society"). Physical gender dysphoria (as opposed to social dysphoria; more on that later) is when gendered body traits cause you distress by simply existing. Many trans people want to change one or more of these traits via hormone therapy and/or surgery to varying degrees. There is a lot more variety here than is commonly known! Now, what people need to realise is that aspects 1 and 2 don't always go together. It's common for them to "match," yes. But there are nonbinary people who have exactly as much dysphoria about the same body parts as a trans man or woman, yet are certain they're nonbinary. There are people who get little to no physical dysphoria at all, but do suffer from social dysphoria. What is social dysphoria? The pain that a trans woman feels when she's called "Sir," the unease that a nonbinary kid feels when their teacher asks the class to split up by gender, the way it hurts to hear yourself referred to with the wrong pronouns or name, and things like being uncomfortable wearing the clothes associated with your assigned gender because they make it more likely everyone will think you're that gender (as opposed to simply disliking the look). Fun fact: some people decide to go through with certain treatments out of social dysphoria alone, even though they were okay with the affected body parts behind closed doors. The possibility of being misgendered less often can be highly enticing because social dysphoria is very painful. That all of the above has been lumped together under "gender" is confusing, I agree. It doesn't have to stay that way; I am merely describing the current state of things.