#sorry that i've been venting more lately

[lunarmochi]

i've gotten past the point of feeling so painfully sad, and now i just feel sorry for myself, more than anything. the soft piano music has been helping.

i don't deserve to feel like this. i don't deserve to feel so alone and like i have absolutely no one i can seek comfort in. i don't deserve to feel like i'm completely unimportant and a waste of time to all my safe persons, who are all busy.

i don't deserve any of this, but it's my reality.

maybe i can last this isolation until after my birthday.

[solei-eclipse]

okay. hello guys. my bad for not responding to stuff or being as active recently, had a lot of work to be done and other stuff to focus on that took a lot of my time. I wanted to make more art, but I unfortunately had to put that energy into other things (which got to the point where I could not put them off any longer and had to stay working on it). I know I missed a lot of stuff and I'm sorry for it

[capricioussun]

I was really thinking about if I would ever be comfortable merging my art accounts and I don't think I will. At least not unless I did a full rebrand which I'd really rather not since I'm very happy with how things are situated now.

But I think it boils down to acceptance seeking. I've been socially isolated for a very long time and it's difficult. Even back when I first started drawing au stuff years ago, I contemplated making a separate blog for it because I knew how many ut fans didn't really like the aus. I didn't want to alienate any of the "audience" I'd already built but I also knew there would be a turning point I would just wind up barely posting on one account or the other and it would feel like trying to limp half the time on one leg and then limp the rest on the other, which would be pointless.

But with mirrorshipping (selfcest) being a much more universally contentious topic, I got worried it would only deter people even more. I certainly didn't want to lie about it, especially bc I don't associate it with prshipping the way some others do, so it's not really that im "ashamed" of it, or want to hide it, just that I know it's the kind of thing that's very likely to make some who just walked in turn right back around.

To some degree, as someone who hopes to one day make a career out of being an independent artist, it makes sense to prioritize "growth" over personal satisfaction, but on the other, I've always struggled to care about that sort of thing. Any time I've cared about "alienating" a potential "audience", it's always been more about personal acceptance. I don't want people to see one little aspect of myself or interests and judge me entirely based off of that, even though that's all anyone really can do on the internet. I don't take blocking personally, despite how the prior sentiment seems to contradict that, I get it, I block all the time too, for a variety of reasons. But if there's a chance there're others who don't really mind that I mirrorship, they just don't want to see it or have to block the tag, I don't want them to feel turned away or annoyed, and so I kept it all to a separate account.

There are a few other reasons I won't really get into, too, like how people often do associate it with prship, and how I don't really want to draw that type of a crowd to my main blog, either, but I know in my heart it's the acceptance/approval seeking that was the biggest motivator.

I really honestly wish I knew how to connect with others beyond just trying to "do things right" and hoping that earns me positive attention. I really wish I didn't always feel like my only chance at affection is to improve what I can offer in return.

[thisfairytalegonebad]

Man i really am not well mentally. This sucks

[blatantlyhidden]

i've finally started living more true to myself and also dressing in ways that make me feel more like myself (which i didn't do for years) only for my family to constantly make remarks about how they don't like a certain thing or even saying that they hope this "phase" passes soon and that i "shouldn't live it out like this". like do you really not want to see me happy?

[reminiscentrainclouds]

You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.

[nervocat]

man.

[mistystarshine]

I really enjoy the way you've portrayed Adam and Lute's relationship in Three Years Time and Northern Star, as well as the interactions between Charlie/Vaggie and Lute! How would you write an interaction between Adam and Lucifer in that storyline?

Thank you! And maaaaybe? I'm not sure if I'm going to continue writing in that universe. In theory, I'd like to, and LOVE to do a scene with Adam and Lucifer, but in practice, I'm having some really horrible anxieties about my writing and if people hate it/me when I talk about my writing rn, so I may be taking a step back for a bit in general. Not sure.

[viscerism]

i've learned a lot of things by taking an anatomy class like how apparently your scapulae are supposed to lay flat against your ribcage and should not protrude from your back and also i've been living with a musculoskeletal condition that has been causing me severe pain and upper body weakness for as long as i can remember

[chocolaminity]

there are no stars tonight but the moon is pretty bright.

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

[cookiescr]

.

[huntersapprentice]

I know I don't really owe anyone an explanation as to why I haven't been posting my own stuff recently, but my mental health has been really bad lately, I've barely had motivation to make big stuff, or even anything I feel fit for posting

dealing with both end of semester stress and endless barrages of constantly questioning the safety of the world around me just kinda takes the energy out of me to devote to drawing

[elytrafemme]

call the hairdresser and call the mediator because the way i'm splitting to the fucking ends right now

[powerfulkicks]

whenever i see someone older than me obviously struggling with walking and stuff i always feel so guilty and ashamed for using a cane because they're obviously worse off than me so it's obvious i don't need it

[daz4i]

vent under the cut. sorry. tw suicide depression etc

this is nothing i haven't already said but. idk what to live for. i don't see a point in recovery bc i don't have any concrete reason or something to keep living for. i don't care about anything or anyone enough to put in the effort

i talked to my psychiatrist today and she gave me some phone numbers for ppl who can help start the whole process i mentioned a few days ago, the help with recovery thing. i consulted my friends and they said i should go for it (i said it's not like i have anything else to do and they agreed) but it made me feel worse

the realer it becomes the less i want it. i don't want to recover. i want to die. i had someone who made me want to live and they cut me off, but i shouldn't want to live for someone else anyway (tho. that's what most of my depressed family members and friends live for, in a way)

i can't adopt the "you're alive anyway so may as well use this time" agenda my old therapist tried to offer me. i want to die. existing is too much effort i never wanted to put in, especially when i need to take a big step (along with many other small steps) to get out of depression. the fact I'm already alive isn't a big enough reason to take this step. I've been having more concrete plans for how I'd off myself lately, and while that might be hard, it's still easier than recovering, and has an outcome that without a doubt will be good (while a good life after recovery is never certain. honestly i don't think i ever could have one anyway)

idk how to finish this post. there isn't really a point. i just. need to let it all out. I've been crying for over 2 hours straight now lol I'm feeling awful. the more hopeful I'm supposed to become, the more despair i feel. at the risk of sounding cliche i hope i fall asleep and never wake up