#and to hear this from my family is so disheartening

[blatantlyhidden]

i've finally started living more true to myself and also dressing in ways that make me feel more like myself (which i didn't do for years) only for my family to constantly make remarks about how they don't like a certain thing or even saying that they hope this "phase" passes soon and that i "shouldn't live it out like this". like do you really not want to see me happy?

[sizzlingsandwichperfection-blog]

Hi. I've started writing a semi-weekly TB Newsletter, if you're interested in that kind of thing. Here's the second letter--about public-private partnerships, leprosy, and my forthcoming big announcement about expanding access to tuberculosis care. You'll hear more about that on Thursday. Anyway, here's the newsletter. You can sign up here.

---

In advance of the Big Announcement this Thursday, I made a vlogbrothers video today on how we end TB–with the comprehensive care plan often known as S-T-P, which is short for “Search, Treat, and Prevent.” But one thing I didn’t discuss in that video is the downstream benefits of comprehensive TB care.

Once you’ve hired community health workers to screen for TB, it becomes much easier to screen for other illnesses like diabetes, high blood pressure, and non-TB lung issues (especially lung cancer). TB is notoriously a disease of vicious cycles–a disease of malnutrition that makes malnutrition worse, a disease of poverty that makes poverty worse, and so on–but addressing TB can be a story of virtuous cycles: TB survivors become TB advocates, as I’ve seen with my friend Henry in Sierra Leone. More effective TB treatment leads to less stigmatization of the disease, as communities come to see the disease as curable and survivable rather than terrifying and deadly. And better access to TB care leads to a stronger overall healthcare system, because more community health workers are better connected to more primary healthcare clinics, which allows communities to better address all kinds of health problems.

—

Mycobacterium tuberculosis is not the only bacteria of its family that causes a lot of human suffering; there is a closely related species called mycobacterium leprae that causes the disease known as Hansen's Disease, or more commonly leprosy. There are still around 200,000 cases of leprosy diagnosed each year around the world, and while the disease is curable, it also remains–especially if not caught and treated early–a significant driver of suffering and disability in our world. 

There are many connections between TB and leprosy: Not only are the bacteria that cause these illnesses very similar, but patients have often expressed similarities in experience. TB patients who were encouraged or forced to live in sanitariums often compared themselves to lepers. One disheartening parallel between the diseases is that in both cases, those living with these illnesses are often abandoned by their families and must make new social connections within the new community of “leper” or “consumptive.” Also, both Hansen’s Disease and TB continue to exist largely because of systemic failures rather than due to a lack of knowledge or technology.

—

I really recommend Dr. Salmaan Keshavjee’s TED talk about how we ended TB in the U.S., and how we can end it using the same strategy around the world.

—

Last link from me today: I’ve been thinking a lot about the complex intersection between public and private investment (for reasons that will be clear on Thursday!) and I keep coming back to one infographic in an excellent paper (https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0256883) about the public money that was poured into the creation of the GeneXpert Machine, which can quickly and accurately test for TB. The GeneXpert machine has created a lot of profit for Danaher’s shareholders, and it has also created some societal benefit, but it could create a lot more societal benefit if it created less profit for Danaher’s shareholders. This tension seems to me one of the defining features of 21st century life. Anyway, here is the infographic:

That’s the money–over $250,000,000 of it–that came from taxpayers (mostly in the U.S. and Europe) to fund the creation of the GeneXpert Machine. And yet, this tech largely funded by the public is controlled entirely by private enterprise. I’m troubled by that model of value allocation, even if I still believe that private money and private enterprise have important roles to play in fueling innovation. But taking a quarter billion dollars of public money and then claiming total ownership over a technology, and using that ownership to deny the technology to the world’s poorest people, seems like a deeply flawed system of resource distribution to me.

I’ll see you on Thursday. I’m nervous and excited.

DFTBA,

John

[jackiepackiee]

Hello! If you could consider: I was wondering how Tanjiro, Sanemi, and Mitsuri would react when their s/o answers the man vs bear question with bear? Maybe little hcs, or mini drabbles?

Have a lovely day/night!!

You literally read my mind I was thinking of this the other night

𝒟𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓃 𝒮𝓁𝒶𝓎𝑒𝓇 𝒟𝓇𝒶𝒷𝒷𝓁𝑒

𝑀𝒶𝓃 𝒱𝒮 𝐵𝑒𝒶𝓇

𝒲/ 𝒯𝒶𝓃𝒿𝒾𝓇𝑜, 𝑀𝒾𝓉𝓈𝓊𝓇𝒾, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒮���𝓃𝑒𝓂𝒾

𝒯𝒶𝓃𝒿𝒾𝓇𝑜

The topic is pretty unfamiliar to him at first

He understands and knows about misogyny, but growing up with such a loving family in the secluded woods of a nice town didn’t expose him to much

Being surrounded by good hasn’t shown him much of what people can really be like, especially humans and not demons

But this boy is willing to listen!

Now he will defend you with. His. Life.

And that includes your opinions (unless they are obviously immoral)

But when he firsts hears it he’ll be confused

“A… bear? Why would you be with a bear?”

He makes that silly face he has when he’s confused

Then he starts to understand the more serious aspects of the discussion

He wants to know everything so expect a whole lot of questions

“Which man? I can’t pick? Oh well I don’t want it to be random.”

After he gets an understanding know he’ll be more aware of you and Nezuko.

On the lookout for creepy looks or comments

Overall 8.5/10, he supports you fully with your opinion but he’s not fully up to date on the topic

𝑀𝒾𝓉𝓈𝓊𝓇𝒾

Mistsuri is sad when she hears this question

Why would you ever have to be afraid of a man or a bear when you have her to protect you?!

She’d defend you from any man, no matter the cost

And probably become friends with the bear like a Disney princess

Now she definitely understands

Being a very beautiful woman she’s been through a lot

And while it might not show in her bubbly personality, she does often get uncomfortable with men and their advances

Only really being used to either complete rejection by possible marriages or creepy injuries by strangers

She has her own input as well

“Well I think you’re right! The bear is also way cuter!”

This is her way of cheering you up, making silly comments

Because she’s well aware of how disheartening the topic can be

And sees how it brings you down to have to think you can’t trust half the worlds population

And if anyone tries to disagree with you?

Mitsuri is no yeller but she sure is fierce

10/10, she understands completely and cheers you up after the depressing discussion topic!

𝒮𝒶𝓃𝑒𝓂𝒾

He HATES the idea that this even has to be a debate

He truly and honestly believes woman should be safe and respected

And the fact that his lover would rather be with a wild animal than a man? It’s disgusting to him that you would ever feel so unsafe

He’s not mad at you at all

But everything he feels he feels 100% so his support of your opinion is probably more intense their your original thought

You’d think he’s the one who brought it up in the first place with his passion for his opinion

Going off your given fear from the psych question, he becomes more protective

Now he is well aware of how unfairly woman are treated, being raised the way he was

And he respects their power and perseverance more than anyone else in the corps

The fact that you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable from the idea of a male stranger has him subconsciously keeping you at his side in public and defending you louder than he berates a demon

You don’t have to teach him anything about woman’s respect and safety

While he may be cranky, it’s all equal lol

He’s not rude to people because of their gender, he’s just that way (not to you obviously)

11/10, he’s such a big defender of your opinion that he cares more than you do!

[sunlighthroughthe-ashes]

this whole episode; i kept thinking of these lines by cameron awkward-rich: 'please—what’s the word for being born of sorrow that isn’t yours? for having a family? for belonging nowhere?'

families can be zones of so much buried violence: whether it's seokryu's 'eomma' and 'appa' projecting their own life experiences onto their innocent daughter; or seung-hyo's mother accepting the same necklace over and over again; because her son is too distant to even realize that he's giving her identical gifts. their relationship is too impersonal for him to even write anything on her card. episode 8 hurt so much — and it hurt because it's real. this is what families are like: swallowed hurts and silent resentments. pain fisted in your hands like a weapon as you fight to be heard — to be wanted as your own self; and not just a vessel for your parents' unfulfilled aspirations. this is the trauma that tons of us carry.

one of the first things they tell you in therapy if you're not an only child is that you and your sibling do NOT grow up with the same parents. both you and your sibling experience entirely different versions of your parents — because the circumstances which they're in differ so greatly during each of your births and subsequent growths — and it can feel so utterly disheartening and unfair.

seokryu is the standard: the model child; the person her parents pinned all their hopes on. as such; she's never allowed to be anything less than perfect. because he's a boy, because he was sick, because he's younger — dongjin is indulged and pandered to and doted upon — even when he's being irresponsible. all her life seokryu has been side-stepping her own needs and wants; just to keep her parents happy — sinking into her own sacrifice until there was nothing left but burn-out and broken dreams. it shattered my heart to hear her mother say she'd rather have seokryu back in the US and married even if she's unhappy there — because that would mean she would get to boast about her daughter and receive gifts from her. that's not love — that's entitlement.

seung-hyo is the only person who truly loves seokryu for seokryu — for who she truly is, flaws and all: and that makes it doubly hard to witness her keeping him at arm's length at the end of the episode. the way he says that the reason he can't be friends with seokryu isn't because she's a woman, it's because she's seokryu — is so simple and profound. he sees all of her and accepts it — loves it. and that is so, so, rare. the act of true witness is sacred — to be seen as you are is a privilege.

(as far as the sickness storyline goes: i'm afraid to say i saw it coming. i wish the writers were more original; but i don't think seokryu will die. still, it doesn't sit well in my mouth. they could have come up with something better for conflict if they really had to.)

[scp035sdiscordkitten]

In the SCP sedition tapes, 049 talks about an ex-apprentice Jolanda. I never really thought about her until a couple months ago, and now I'm OBSESSED WITH HER. I've written so much lore about her in my AU of the sedition tapes when all I've had to go off her was 3 minutes of 049 speaking about her. And now, since I am attached to her, I ask of you to please take 049 being a Father lore. This post specifically is about her childhood and centers around her relationship with 049. Her adulthood will have it's own separate post, and is also more heavily influenced by 035. 0-6 Years: The only child to an immigrant couple in Europe. Her childhood is fuzzy, but fine. Sickly, impoverished, and dirty, but fine. The town she lived in was large, so it was a prime target when war broke out. Her village was attacked. Everyone but her died, whether it was by murder, burning to death in the fires, or smoke inhalation, they were dead. 049 had been following closely behind the attacking armies to ensure 035 wouldn't track him down, as 035 was stalking 049 through Europe at this time, and after every raid there would also be fresh bodies to experiment on. 049 found Jolanda in the remnants of her families home. She was uninjured, but absolutely distraught mentally. 049, out of pity, took her under his wing as his apprentice 6-12 Years: Jolanda bonded to him like a duckling. She was always at his side and looked up to him. 049 was hesitant at first, only caring for her out of necessity. But the more he taught her, the more genuine love he felt for her. She was a child prodigy, and took to the craft of medicine and the pestilence as if it was in her nature. His mentor role soon turned fatherly, even though he never wanted to and never knew how to be one. For the sake of Jolanda, he learned. They travelled side by side, 049 teaching her how to spot and cure the pestilence, but also how to go about life. She considered him her father, and she his daughter, though it was always unspoken. They referred to each other by name, they didn't have to say it to know. In these years, 049 also warned her about 035, showing her drawings and telling her tales about the shit he's caused. He knew 035 would be back at any moment, and Jolanda would be his first target if he found her.

12-16 Years: Around this time, Jolanda began to develop survivors guilt for the attack on her home. She couldn't remember her family as vividly as she used to and she felt horrible, especially with how quickly she got over her fathers death and clung to 049. She confided in 049 about this, and he'd comfort her, but also feel bad. Like there was something more he could have done to save her father or that he shouldn't have stepped into that role in the first place. This put distance between them for a bit, having shame on both sides, but they were able to recover after so many talks and time away from the medical table spent together. 16-18 Years: Smooth sailing, best father daughter duo you've ever seen!! 18-21 Years: Jolanda had begun to expand her circle. Making friends, falling in love, all that fun stuff. 049 however believed she had grown uninterested in curing the Pestilence. That she would, as all his other apprentices had, go on to cure broken bones and sore throats. He told her about his growing disappointment that she wasn't spending more time studying the pestilence, which caused her to sneak out and be more curt with him. She felt unwanted and disheartened. She still believed in the pestilence and wanted to cure it, but 049 didn't seem to see that, did he. 049s old delusions were coming back to him, even though 035 had lost his track long ago. He would see 035 in the corner of his eye, or hear those whispers when he was totally alone. He and Jolanda had to keep travelling, but she didn't want to, she had now formed a community. Resentment built and built between the two of them, even though 049 tried to fix it, and it all came crashing down when 049 kidnapped the pestilence infested boyfriend of Jolanda's lady crush, tied him up, and pressured Jolanda into curing him. Jolanda jumped in to defend the guy, putting herself between 049 and him. 049s delusions came back harder than ever, and it was a blur after that, but when he came to his senses, Jolanda was half dead. He had cured her, basically killing her in the process. Out of shock, horror, and shame, he cast her into the snow and left her for dead, immediately returning to his endless run through Europe to cure the pestilence. Nothing could wash off the guilt he now bore, and it drove him even further into insanity. After being cast into the snow and abandoned, Jolanda should've died. But she didn't. Her conscious was still intact, even after having the cure inflicted on her. Half of her body was beginning to rot, and she had intense urges to find and kill anything that moved, like every other carcass 049 cured felt. But Jolanda kept it within, and she turned that urge into the need for revenge. Ty for reading I hope my yapping was enjoyed 🫶🫶🫶like I said, her adulthood will get its own post, but lord knows when that'll be.

[rinhaler]

I Finally Decided On You

✧˖*°࿐ : 18+ only, no minors.    ✧. ┊ rin itoshi x f!reader

Genre: smut & angst Notes: in my feelings abt a friendship break up so have some angst heheheee Warnings: 18+, mutual pining, angst, pet names, cheating, dacryphilia, tit sucking ♡, vaginal sex, choking ♡, love bites, breeding kink, creampie ♡ Words: 5.8k

“You’re lonely, aren’t you?”

Your breath hitches as the words make their way into your brain. His eyes have been fixed on you for what seems like a lifetime, but it’s only after you hear him ask something so personal, so intimate, that you can bring yourself to look at him. His glimmering, jade eyes are so striking, so captivating, you can’t help but want to bare your soul to him.

“You shouldn’t ask me something like that.” you whisper, unable to hide your smile as you are both all too aware of the irony of your sentence. There are so many things neither of you should be doing right now.

And yet, here you are, allowing the 4am sky to encase your bodies in a melancholic blanket. You’re waiting for one more sentence to spill from his lips that will have your deepest secrets tumbling from yours.

You know him.

He knows you.

And it’s so comforting.

You’ve never felt like this with anyone before. He’s so easy to talk to, and even easier to be around. It’s almost like a punishment. The worlds cruellest joke that you’re being subjected to.

“You shouldn’t be in my bed, but you’re here. So, talk to me.” he smiles, effortlessly. A smile that he’d only ever show you. An expression that only you are worthy of and the only person he’d ever trust to experience it. It’s so loving. It’s like being home.

You’re quiet, your own smile fading slightly as you think about his question. What had you done to make him even ask it? You’re lonely. Is that true? You have friends, family, a lover. Realistically, you can’t be lonely.

“I am.” you tell him, honestly, finally finding his gaze once more. Allowing him to scan your trusting eyes so he can see there isn’t a trace of a lie. And he does, stare, until he looks at your lips briefly, and then back to your eyes.

“You’re lonely?”

“Yes.”

He hums, thinking about it for a moment. You don’t deserve to feel that way. Though it may be his heart talking. It might be the fact that he’s head over heels in love with you.

Every moment with you is so saccharine, so disgustingly dizzying that it could make him vomit from excess. He can’t get enough of you. He’s ravenous for you.

Your taste.

Each kiss you allow him to take is so seraphic, your candied lips cloying his insides. It hurts to be with you sometimes, he knows what this is and what it will be. He knows what he is to you and what he will never be. He hates himself, and honestly, he hates you a little bit in that same breath. Though he locks that feeling of loathing deep down inside, he doesn’t want to feel it. He doesn’t want to care that much.

Whatever you are to each other now, in this moment, is enough.

His face nears yours, and you observe him as his eyes close. Yours close too, gently, and you feel his lips on yours. His hand cups your face, his thumb gently caressing your cheek as he deepens the kiss only slightly. He pulls away, eyes glittering as he observes you. He’s making sure you’re okay, that what he just did was okay.

And it is.

He pulls you closer to him, enveloping your body in his before carefully planting his lips on your cheek. He sighs, a little. The heavy, disheartened breath rushing through your ear canal. It makes you shudder, so he holds you tighter.

“You aren’t alone, you know.” he tells you, quietly. You feel tears pricking at your eyes as he starts speaking. He cares, so much, you can almost feel his passion vibrating from his skin and passing through you. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.” you sniffle. “It’s just hard.”

“I know.” he agrees, kissing atop your head as a show of comfort. He just can’t get enough of you. He can’t stop himself from being with you like this, even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t. These moments with you are his main source of happiness. Getting to know you so viscerally is everything to him. Whenever you’re together, like this, he gets to peel back another layer of who you are.

“I’m so—” you stop, your eyes catching his again before you brush away the thought. You’re playing with fire, with him. You’re letting him scrutinize your body as you bare your self-inflicted gaping wounds. Allowing him to decide whether to pour alcohol and salt into your ruined flesh. “I’m just sick of feeling like shit all of the time.” you sigh a little before laughing.

“Don’t.” he huffs, his thumb stroking your face again. It’s a bid to make your body submit to his. “I don’t like it when you perform for me.”

You smile, again, nodding in acceptance as you take his word as truth. It makes sense why he isn’t fond of you acting for him, though for some reason you can’t seem to help yourself. Wrapping your body in an invisible gauze as you do all that you can to prevent your lacerated skin from becoming infected by him.

“Rin?” you whisper again, almost hoping he won’t have heard you say his name. “Do you love me?”

The question almost wounds him. You see his eyes begin to tremor as he wonders if you want him to answer that. And answer it genuinely. He rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. Your bodies are mirrored up above, and he can’t help but stare at his own reflection as he contemplates how to answer. His heart skips a beat when you inch closer to him, wrapping an arm around his torso as you caress him and await his response.

He hates how little effort you need to make to force him to smile.

“Yeah.” he tells you. But he doesn’t look at you, still staring at himself in the mirror above. It’s a confession for him as well as you. “I’m in love with you. Is that okay?”

Of course he’s asking for permission to love you. Though even if you were to say no, it’s not like he could just stop his feelings. It isn’t okay, of course it isn’t. Nothing about what you’re doing is okay. Whatever you’re not meant to do always makes you feel most alive. It makes you feel excited. And right now, you feel wanted. You feel loved.

You don’t feel lonely.

You’re quiet for a moment, but you hope the smile you’re donning will show that you’re appreciative of his honesty. It takes you a while to think about how to respond. You could say it back, but what good will it do? If you don’t say anything, you’re sure he’ll be upset, but he won’t tell you that. You don’t want to hurt him, that’s the last thing you want.

“Thank you.” you tell him.

He doesn’t say anything to that. He closes his eyes, a soft chuckle emanating from him as he processes the rejection. In his mind, that smart, logical mind of his, he knew you wouldn’t say it back. Why would you? Even if it was true, it’s too messy. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, you both know it, so why would you say it back? But then again, why would you ask his feelings in the first place? His heart is screaming at him with every aggressive beat against his ribcage. It’s telling him, despite the logic working overtime in his brain, that you love him too.

“Do you love me?” he wonders, finally allowing his head to roll to the side again so that you’re making eye contact once more.

And you’re silent. You can see in his eyes that he’s pleading with you to reciprocate his feelings. To verbalise them. He wants you to mean it, though. He’d rather you not say a word than lie to him.

But, he knows you.

He knows your mind body and soul and he truly believes that you feel the same way about him. So tell him, won’t you? Lay your heart bare and just tell him the truth. No matter what the world throws at you, he’s certain you can handle it, together. Whatever concerns you have, he’ll protect you. Any repercussions you think will follow you from following your heart, he won’t allow. He’ll do anything for you. Anything to be with you. So look into his emerald eyes and be honest with him.

Be honest with yourself.

“Please,” you start, “please never ask me that again.”

The words cut like a knife. Or rather, he feels like he stopped existing the moment you finish your sentence. It’s like being in a car accident and dying on impact. He looks up at the ceiling again, closing his eyes, knowing the tears are soon to pour from them if he doesn’t get a grip.

Why would you say that?

You still haven’t given a clear answer. And really, he knows why you said what you did. It’s self-preservation. Maybe you think you’re protecting him, too. But you aren’t. You’re the reason his heart beats and this is the reason that it will stop. Every moment from now will be agony. Without an answer, you’ve given him one. And he despises you, now. He thinks you’re selfish.

He thinks you’re a fucking coward.

“Then… what is this?” he wonders, still not daring to widen his eyes and give you the satisfaction of seeing him cry. You can barely stand to look at him now though. Not when he’s being like this. You don’t want to hurt him, truly. But there’s no use in giving him hope that isn’t there. This is for the best, you’re sure. “Have you just been using me for the last two years? When you’re… fucking lonely.” his own breath hitches and he wants to disappear. From your line of sight, from the room, from the fucking planet.

“It’s not like that, Rin.” you sigh, and it’s almost breathless as you try and conjure the right words to alleviate his pain. There’s nothing you can say that won’t hurt. The damage is done. You’ve broken him. “You know the first time was a mistake… and then it just kept happening… and then—”

“And then you—” he balls up his fists until his arms begin to tremble. But he takes a breath, anger leaving him as he exhales. He’s always been good at that. He always knows when he’s getting too worked up and knows how to take it down a notch and compose himself. He’s calculated with everything he does. But he supposes you’re the exception. There was nothing calculated in regard to you. He fell into this fucking mess with you, because it’s you. “… Don’t you think the fact we’ve been making the same ‘mistake’ for so long means it might not be a mistake.” he talks, quietly. You can’t tell if he’s asking you a question or simply speaking words for you to hear.

You don’t answer. What can you say? You can’t contradict yourself now. It’s a valid point, of course. Is a repeated mistake truly a mistake? Maybe you and he are made for each other. Being with him could be easy, if you wanted. Being honest with yourselves and those around you might be easier than you think. Being able to hold his hand and go out on dates like a normal couple. Could it really be so simple?

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” you respond, bluntly. It’s harsh. The words make your mouth swell with discomfort and a horrendous desire to burst into tears. Nothing else will get through to him, you think. Being nice is getting neither of you anywhere. You gulp, and it’s like swallowing razor blades as you see how fucking shattered his face becomes.

He scoffs, a little, and sits upright in bed. You chase him, somewhat, sitting upright beside him and placing your hand on his shoulder. And you gasp, quietly, as he shrugs away from your touch. Your defeated hands fall into your lap as you continue to sit beside him, your eyes alternate from looking at his side profile to your twiddling thumbs.

Rejection was always bound to come eventually. He wishes he never opened his mouth, though. The delusion could have carried on a little while longer. Why did you have to ask if he loved you? You surely knew already. His mind roars at him to run. He’s staring at his sneakers placed meticulously by his wardrobe as he thinks about where he could go. Anywhere away from here.

Away from you.

But the child in him… is resilient. He’s never been one to accept true defeat. He’s never been the type to give up on his dreams or quit when he truly believes there is a chance at happiness for him. You see his hand move to his obscured cheek, and you’re sure he’s wiping away a tear.

It’s all but confirmed when he looks at you. Teal eyes almost illuminate the room as they look at you. Crystalline droplets reside in his lashline, and his eyes keep shimmering as they take in every solitary detail of your beguiling face. He can’t lose you. You’re perfect for him.

And he loves you.

He leans towards you, and you don’t fight it. Your lips slotting beautifully against one another as you melt into his kiss. It’s prolonged and it’s deep. You feel as though he’s giving you everything he has. Everything he is as a final farewell. The thought of never seeing him again makes you break away, panting desperately before you comb his hair out of his face.

“What are you doing, Rin?” you whisper.

This time you’re left without an answer. He grips his fingers into your soft hips and helps you move above him, straddling him so that he can look up into the eyes of the woman he loves more than he ever has or will love anyone.

“Play with my hair, please.” he whispers back against your bare skin as he lifts your tank top to expose your breasts. You do as he asks, combing your fingers through his hair again as he sweetly kisses your erect nipples. The only sound filling the room is his puckered kisses and your laboured breaths.

You hum, intoxicated, as kisses turn to suckles. They’re soft and careful, your skin breaks out in bumps as your flesh tries to huddle together to keep in the warmth. Your heart skips a beat when he looks up at you, briefly, before focusing on your tits again. He wraps his arms tightly around your torso in a bid to pull you closer. Your cotton-clad mound humping against his straining cock in the process.

He grunts against your skin when he feels the wetness pooling on your panties transferring to his boxers. One of his hand roams to squeeze the fat of your ass, a squeaking yelp escapes you as you feel thick bruising fingers dig into your supple flesh. He gentle nibbles your swollen tits, eliciting a mewl from you that speaks to your infatuation with him. Whether you care to admit it or not, he knows your body enough to understand the truth.

“Rin,” you shudder, throwing your head back in an attempt to gain some distance from what is happening and retrieve your thoughts. He doesn’t stop, though. But his eyes meet yours again when you return. He’s listening. He’s clinging to your every thought. “I-Is this really what you want?” you ask him. And he nods, slowly, relinquishing one nipple from his mouth with a pop and licking his cherry bitten lips.

 “’m not a mistake, baby…” he tells you in hushed tones before sucking your neglected nipple momentarily. He means it, too. You don’t think he’s a mistake. In truth, you think the world of Rin Itoshi. You wish you met at a different time. Things could be how you both want them to be. But this is how things are. You feel tears you hadn’t given permission begin to roll down your cheeks as you think about how lowly he views himself because of you. You are a fucking coward, you always have been. “I can be right for you, princess. I can.”

You hear him sniff a little before he continues making out with your aching tits. And you push his hair out of his face again, getting a perfect view of his lusciously long eyelashes. You can’t see his pretty green eyes from this angle, they’re focused intently on your chest. But his eyes snap to your when he hears you sniffling too.

“Rin… I-Is this—?”

“Do you want to do that thing you like?” he asks, breath fanning over your spit soaked tits as he snaps you from your thoughts. He encourages you to move a little as he hooks his fingers into your panties and tries to pull them down your legs. It’s clumsy, and it makes you laugh as you shuffle around awkwardly until they’re off. And he throws them across the room before your lips crash together again.

Your arms wrap around his neck as you kiss him. He swallows your moans like they’re holy and he’s fucking greedy. He manages to snake his hand between your bodies to free his length. And your vision strays to see it. His gorgeous, pretty cock. It’s beautiful and pink, though the darkness of the room hides it well. You know it from memory by now. But you can’t mistake the drooling precum leaking from his slit and down his shaft as he strokes his length at a steady pace while he kisses you again.

But you break it once more.

“You like it… you like it, too.” you smile, thinking back to what he’d asked you moments ago. He smirks against your lips, kissing you again before looking down at his length as he attempts to guide it into your heat.

“That’s right.” he nods, licking his lips. “’n it feels the best when you ride me… so sit on it.” he commands. He clenches his teeth as his tip sits comfortably in your sticky interior. You’re so tight and wrap around him so heavenly. As though you’re made solely for him. In his mind, though, that’s exactly what you are. He hisses, eagerly, as he feels the conflicting constrict of your cunt tightening and releasing repeatedly as he remains there. It’s like you aren’t sure if you’re trying to suck him in further or push him out completely.

His fingers curl around your dainty wrist, guiding your hand to his neck and encouraging you to squeeze. You do, softly, and you can’t help but smile when he laughs breathily.

“Sit on it, princess. S’all yours.”

The squeeze becomes tighter as you slowly sink on his length. Your jaw drops willingly as you moan through the stretch. And Rin, God, he’s fucking beautiful. His eyes roll over white as your pussy envelops him until you feel his pretty tip nudge your g-spot. You kiss his cheek. Again, and again and again until his vision returns to you.

He likes it. No, he loves it. But only because it’s you. He’s been with plenty of women, but he’s never been in love. He’s had feelings for partners, but never love. He can’t imagine letting any of them choke him the way you do. It makes him heady, but only because it’s you. The first time you did it he wanted to protest, to tell you in no uncertain terms that he isn’t interested in that kind of thing. But the word no could barely escape his lips before he came inside you after you squeezed the sides of his neck oh so deliciously.

“F-uck, Rinnie…” you moan as you start to rock your hips against him. His hands gently hold your waist and help you in your efforts, your breath catching in your throat as your clit catches against his pubis and trimmed hairs. “You’re s-so deep. Feel you h-here…” you point to your lower abdomen as you carry on rocking against him, your grip on his neck easing as you feel pleasure begin to surge through your nervous system.

He's speechless, though. He knows he’s big and doesn’t feel a need to reiterate it. Instead, he pushes his palm flat against your tummy as you continue to get yourself off. You moan, louder. Drool forming in the corner of your mouth as you keep going and going until your legs begin to give. And he pities you, he does. So much so that he holds your hips tightly and helps you rise and fall on the full length of his cock again and again.

Each impale is rapturous. The pleasure is fucking blinding as his heavy tip slams repeatedly against your sensitive soft insides and you mewl blaringly, no care or consideration for neighbours that might be trying to get a full eight hours before that dreaded sunrise approaches any minute now. You can’t possibly care, not when a cock so perfectly made to mould the shape and ridges of your pussy to suit it’s domineering size is ruining you so divinely.

“Don’t stop.” he reminds you, his hand covering and squeezing your own around his willing neck, encouraging you to persevere. The way your clutching fingers hug the column of his throat is beauty personified. Like a scene from a renaissance painting before your very eyes. And his eyes are blown to hell, full of lust, “harder.” he smirks, greedily. And you always do as you’re told. You want to be good for him after being so cruel. You want to please him after being so cold. You want to love him after being so harsh.

“I—” you start, your words becoming trapped in your throat as your cowardice springs to the forefront of your mind. Though, is it really cowardice? Or is it just the right decision for both of you? For peace of mind and an easy life, it is.

“Yeah?” his eyes practically glitter in expectation as he awaits your sentence to be brought to completion. You are cruel, cold and harsh. Because you’ve gotten his hopes up yet again. And you can’t have that, you just can’t.

“I’m, c-close…” you alert him. His eyes widen in surprise. It hasn’t been so long since you started. Are you lying? He can usually tell. He studies your face and feels the way your cunt constricts around his length as you draw near your demise. You’re honest, only sometimes.

“N-N.. uh… can you hold it? F-For me, princess?” he asks, pleads, really, if his watery eyes are anything to go by. You aren’t sure you can, but you nod anyway. You’ll try your damndest, for him, anything for him.

He manoeuvres you carefully onto your back so you’re lying beneath him. You remain wrapped around him the entire time, like he can’t bear to be apart from you for even a second. You can’t blame him, either, you don’t want to remember what life feels like without him snug inside of your welcoming cunt.

His eyes roam your body as he cages you in below him. Emerald jewels taking in each and every inch of your perfectly bare skin. Every detail, every crevice and pore. It’s all so beautiful to him, and hasn’t become a boring sight to behold in the entire two years you’ve been doing this.

Both of your hands cradle his head, fingers interlocking through the back of his hair. He looks into your eyes and you can’t help but smile. This is how your life should be. When you see how much love pours from his eyes as he looks at you, you know this is how things are meant to be. But it’s a shame, they aren’t. You feel your heart break in two as reality crashes around you once again. But he leans down to kiss you, silently asking your permission to keep going.

“Please, Rin.” you nod.

“Okay, I’ve got you.” he kisses your neck as he begins to shallowly thrust into you again. You mewl softly as you feel him suckle the skin covering your clavicle, and it’s sure to bruise, but you don’t care. You’re sick of caring, now. You just want to feel this. Enjoy this moment. You want to enjoy Rin.

He pushes your thighs gently, spurring you to wrap your legs around his hips in a bid for you to hug him tightly. You hook your feet against one another, and you feel like a koala clinging onto a tree. You don’t mind though. You feel safe, like this. A safety you’ve never felt from anyone at any time. He’ll keep you safe, always, because he loves you. All he wants in this moment is for you to feel good and for him to be the reason. You cock your head, curiously. And he wastes no time satiating your lust with a kiss.

Your moans feel suffocating as your throat swells with the desperate need to share them with him. But you can’t. Not when he’s pressing his lips to yours and trying to inhale your every breath and any other offering you can muster for him. He can’t let you go for even a second, he thinks. This is all he has. He needs to remember.

He looks upset when you turn your head to break the kiss, but his thrusting doesn’t cease. They slow, however. Opting to fuck you deeper. He wants to explore depths in your cute cunt that neither of you know even existed.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, voice quiet but laced with concern. It’s hard to even think as his thrusts seem to be whisking your brain into a pink mushy paste.

“I can’t—” you pant, “hold it… m-much longer!” you warn him.

“Oh.” he chuckles, and burrows his head into the crook of your neck. He kisses. Sucks. Makes it known that you’ve been with him. A final bid to make you his, though it will surely amount to nothing. “That’s okay, let go, baby…” he tells you.

You bite your lip. A momentary gesture before you find your pleasure crescendo from his faithful pace. He kisses sweetly along your jawline, humping into you hard enough that there is a steady slapping resounding through the bedroom. You note how the sun seems to rise and birds begin to chirp as you topple over the edge of your orgasm.

He could bathe in your sweet moans for the rest of his life, he thinks. They seem to harmonise with the birds singing outside. Your fingers dig and claw into his shoulder blades as you don’t let up. It’s all so tantalizing, a song he’d happily play on repeat for the rest of his miserable life if he could.

You clamp around him and feel a swell of pride in your chest as you hear him moan for you, too. Your cunt floods with warmth and you’ve never felt so wanted. Part of him wishes you weren’t on birth control. Part of him wishes that it would fail so that there’s a reason he can truly make you his. But he knows he isn’t that lucky. And he knows it’s wrong to want those things, too. He doesn’t even want a kid, really.

He just wants a reason to keep you.

Your chest heaves as he collapses on top of you, hugging you closely. You fear that your sweaty bodies may meld together permanently, until the breeze from the open window rolls in. Cooling your dampened skin slowly but surely. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, though. Being stuck to him. There’s always fantastical ideas conjured from absurd imaginations that give you cause to be together. It’s the only way, you think.

It can’t be as simple as you want to be together.

You can’t just love each other so much you can be together.

You need a reason.

A very good fucking reason.

“Are we going to be okay, Rinnie? Things haven’t changed, right?” you ask him, almost scared to speak but not enough to stop the flow of your words. You feel his body tense up, and at that point you know things have indeed changed. But change can be good… you might just be delusional, though.

“I’m going to shower.” he says, coldly, peeling his body from yours. And it stings. He couldn’t give you an answer, and you know that translates to him only having an answer you won’t like. He’s cruel, mostly, but never with you. With other people he can be rude and mean. But he’d rather be silent than do that to you. And it hurts. Fuck, it hurts. It’s all such a mess and everything is fucking ruined. “… are you coming?” he asks, looking back at you as he heads towards the bathroom.

And there it is.

The flame of hope he can never truly let die when it comes to you.

Your eyes flicker open, the room fully bathed in the light of the mid-morning sun. Rin is sitting at the edge of his bed. Legs covered by grey joggers and his torso bare. The shadows and light contrasting each other and painting an alluring portrait of toned musculature across his back. He shields it from you, though, as he pulls a t-shirt over his head.

He stands up, collecting the towel he dropped on the floor as he got changed. And that’s when he sees you’re finally awake again. He curses himself when he smiles at you, still unable to believe how easily you can make him do so.

“How was your nap?” he asks, calmly, tossing the towel expertly into his laundry bin.

“I don’t even remember falling asleep…” you admit.

Though you do remember cuddling into his side after your shower. Your towel is loose around your body, the one wrapped around your hair is crumpled up atop your pillows. He didn’t sleep a wink, he savoured the feeling of you clinging onto him like you might actually love him. But his mind was also plagued by the future. About what happens next. He doesn’t get nervous, usually. But now, as he looks at you in your most natural form, he’s legitimately scared. Scared of everything crashing down around him.

“I… your clothes.” he tilts his head, gesturing to the folded clothes on your bedside cabinet. You thank him, quickly, dropping your towel and hurriedly getting into your jeans and tank top you wore over here in the middle of the night. “I want to be with you, properly.” Rin confesses, focusing intently on his hands before daring to look up to you. Your expression is sullen, unsure of how to respond. You hadn’t expected to hear him say something so bold, not after what you said to him earlier. But you suppose he’s had time to think.

“I just don’t know what you want me to say, Rin.” you sigh, shaking your fingers through your still damp hair. Little droplets flying to the wood floor below.

“I want you to tell the truth… I know you love me. I know you’re just scared. I know you want to be with me, too. I don’t get why you’re doing this. I don’t know why you’re punishing yourself… or me.” he approaches you, walking around the bottom of the bed and grabbing your shoulders with fervour as he wills you to be honest for the first time in your life.

“No.” you shake your head and move away from him. “It isn’t right, you know it isn’t.”

“It’s not right? I’ve loved you for two years and you’re telling me that’s wrong? And I know you feel the fucking same, so please, please baby—”

“I have to go, I can’t do this.” you feel fresh tears roll down your face as you begin to search for your purse. You feel like your fucking heart is going to explode. And he doesn’t bother hiding his upset, either. Because he’s made up his mind.

“This was goodbye, then.” he informs you, and your movements halt as you look at him.

“What?”

“I’m not being this… joke. I’m not going to be your shoulder to cry on when you’re lonely. I’m not going to fuck you, you can’t just come here when you feel like it. I’m done, I can’t do it.” he takes a deep breath as he finishes, knowing that this is really over. It’s killing him. “I love you, and it hurts. This really hurts. But you’re not the girl I thought you were. I thought you were kind and I know you love me too and that’s why it’s fucking— I feel like I’m dying. I don’t get why you’re denying yourself of this.”

You sigh, slipping your feet into your white slides and trying to fight back tears. He thinks everything is so simple. He thinks you can both just live a fairy tale life and be happy, but that isn’t realistic. He isn’t being realistic and maybe that’s your fault. You thought you’d been clear about what this is between you. You hadn’t intended to make him feel used. You didn’t want to hurt him and you didn’t want things to end like this.

“Okay.” you shrug, fingers grasping the door handle as you prepare to leave.

“What’s so fucking special about Sae?” he sobs, quietly. You can’t bear to look at him. Your heart is already breaking and you know looking at his defeated face will give your vital organ cause to split into quarters. “As kids, he was always better at football. He’s older, he’s the favourite. But he doesn’t even treat you right, he doesn’t love you. I do, I love you so what’s so special about him, princess?” he drops his weight onto the bed below, sitting on the edge again as he wills you to face him. His stomach ravaged by butterflies as he waits for an answer. Any kind of answer that will give him some clarity.

“Nothing’s special about him, Rin…” you sigh, again, giving into his desire and offering him the eye contact he craved. “I just met him two years and a few days before I met you.” you sniffle loudly before hurrying out of the door, slamming it behind you unintentionally as you run to the elevator.

He lets his head fall into his hands as he begins to bawl. The knowledge finally setting in that this is really the end of this chapter of his life. The story of you and him is complete and the ending is fucking devastating. He rests his head against the wet pillows you’d left in such a hurry. The scent of your lotions and perfume still clinging to them. And he cries more, covering his face entirely with his hands.

He’ll always lose to Sae, that much is clear.

If only he’d met you first.

© 2023 rinitxshi

[tanadrin]

Discourse These Days is especially "fun" if you've had abusers that weaponized the very concepts of solidarity and belonging against you, as my biological family did. My childhood was basically built on statements such as "Everyone else who isn't from the same family/race/gender/social class as us, Your Dear Family, is out to get you" and "If you try to connect with someone who isn't like us and they hurt you, then that's your own fault for not remembering our people's history of being harmed by the likes of _them_."

Growing into a multiply marginalized adult and still hearing similar things from others in my own demographic categories-- the first line of defense I might be expected to unite with for the sake of our rights!-- is disheartening to say the least. So when you described yourself as someone who didn't consider sharing adjectives with others as automatically implying being part of their communities, I was all "whoa... people are allowed to believe that?? And aren't necessarily doomed to be shunned for it?"

So yeah, you helped plant a seed. For perhaps the first time in a decade I feel better able to resist enemies at my own pace, without feeling like I have to fight against potential allies as well. Thank you for that! Stay safe and well!

yeah this stuff all falls under the heading of "how to deal with toxic social dynamics" that happens to have applicability to the current political moment.

as a side note it's fun to read about the anthropology of religion and stuff like costly signaling and boundary maintenance and ingroup/outgroup distinctions and how they're reinforced, and then realize, oh, shit, this stuff is everywhere, and often ppl try to recreate the mechanisms of ideological control in their community without offering even the strong forms of intracommunity support that historically characterized close-knit religious communities. as though they want you to join their cult without offering any of the upsides of being a member of a cult.

[dearestaussiechannie]

♡ Welcome home, Sweetheart ♡ — Bang Chan

word count: 1.9k

paring: Chan x reader

genre: fluff

warnings: afab!reader, Idol!Chan, established relationship, pet names towards reader/Chan, if I missed anything or if there are any typos please lmk!

Authors note: this was all inspired by a clip I saw on Instagram of Chan looking out into the crowd and it made my heart do sooo maaannyyy cartwheels its crazy. I hope you all enjoy this little story, I did write it while half asleep so its not exactly the greatest.

Chan really wanted you to come to one of their shows in Korea but you tell him that you can’t because you have to travel to visit some family. Sadly it’s extremely rushed and you’ll be gone for two weeks. Even though he’s disheartened by the news, he knows how much your family means to you so he sees you off to the airport. You don’t tell him where exactly it is that you’re going to visit family or that it’s all a really big surprise for him. 

“By the time I get back home, you’ll be out on tour right?” You ask him, holding his hand tightly while adjusting your hat. You can hear his slight whine as he nods his head, still sad you can’t be with him for the Korea leg of the tour. 

“Mhm.. I think we’ll be in Australia by then. Think Felix and I are gonna see our families.” He says softly, voice slightly muffled by his mask. You look into his eyes, noticing the slightest bit of excitement hidden in those deep browns. You rub his shoulder before nodding. 

“Make sure you tell your mom I miss her and get my shirt back from Hannah. I’ll let you kn-“ you’re cut off by the intercom announcing that your flight is now boarding. You’re a bit sad that your goodbye is getting cut short but you know it’ll be so worth it when you see him next. You both quickly hug, as tight as you can possibly hold each other, before bumping noses through your masks. “I’ll see you sooner than you think sweetheart.” You say in a rush, waving as you hurry to your gate. 

You’ve slept most of the plane ride to Australia, cuddled up in Chans hoodie and the knotted blanket he got you for your birthday. Once you’ve landed, you walk out to see the two people you were most excited to see holding up a sign that says “Welcome to Australia, future Mrs. Bang!” And you couldn’t contain your laugh as you ran to them. Who is it you ask? Chans parents.

You rush to them with your bags, hugging both of them very tight since you haven’t gotten to see them in awhile. His family always makes you feel so welcomed and loved, it really shows where he got all of his caring traits from. After exchanging hellos, his dad takes your bags before you can argue, hurrying to the doors “don’t stop me! He would do the same!” He yells back to you and Chans mom, making you both laugh as you lock arms and walk out. 

The air is so fresh and warm, enjoying the car ride back to their home with the windows down. Once you’re there, you’re met by a barking sound. “Berry!” You say before dropping down to her level and giving her all kinds of scratches and love. “You’d think Chris was home with how excited she was.” You hear a familiar voice say. “Hey to you too Hannah.” You say with a smile as you look up at her from your crouched spot, standing up and engulfing her in a hug. 

Now, as excited as you were to spend time with his family, you still had to set everything up. The days fly by as you kept getting everything ready, texting back and forth with Chan when he isn't too busy. Growing more and more impatient as the days pass, wanting nothing more than to be in his arms again.

Finally it’s the day you’d been waiting for. Their first show in Australia. His parents help you get his room back to the way it was and put your things into the spare room closet so that he wouldn’t see it when he got there since Chan always comes home first before the shows. You hurry into town to find something nice to wear that’ll help you blend in but also stand out. After finding everything you want, you take everything to the hotel room you’d rented for the night even though you know you won’t be staying there. 

The time flies by as you get ready, first taking a couple pictures in a dinner dress to convince Chan that you’re gonna be at dinner with family since you know you’re gonna get pictures of him later in his show outfit. But you quickly change and do your hair, makeup, and everything else you need to do while tucking your vip badge into your clear backpack and pulling out your phone to see that you’ve received a message. 

“It feels so nice to be back! Remind me to plan a vacation here for us soon.”

“It’s not a vacation if you’re from here Christopher.”

You can’t help but laugh at your response, putting the phone back into your pocket and rushing to the stadium. Once you’re there, you talk to people in line, listening to them ramble about the members that you’re so lucky to call your friends, hearing them discuss who their biases are and even how they plan to ask for that members hand in marriage. You now believe first hand that STAY is just something different and you can definitely tell why they mean so much to the boys.

Concert time. You’ve got a standing room quite close to the stage, your poster currently tucked under you as you sift through the SKZOO group chat you’re in with the boys just to see if they’ve said anything about the show when suddenly your phone goes off. It’s a text from Chan, “something about this show makes me nervous. I think you’ve been gone too long, come back into my arms.”

Again, you laugh out loud before closing the text, opening a different chat to Changbin, sending him a picture of the stage “keep a secret?” You type before pressing send. “YAAAHHH!! Whose show is this?! Someone else is having a concert today?!” He responds quite quickly before he calls you. “How dare you not come see us instead?” He says in that fake serious tone. “Binnie, this is your show. Don’t tell anyone but I’m here and that picture I sent you shows you where I am just in case Chan doesn’t find me you can point him in the right direction.”

“Wait. You're here in Australia and Chan doesn’t even know?!” He yells through the phone but before you can shush him, you hear a soft voice that's all too familiar to your ears. “Who's here that I don't know about?” Chan says as he moves closer to the phone. Your breath gets caught in your chest and you hope with everything in your body that Changbin can somehow save this without ruining your surprise. “Ah hyung, you remember my sister right? You're her bias and she's more excited to see you than me.” He says as his voice slightly shakes, you can tell he's nervous about lying but would Chan even believe this lie? Why would Changbins sister suddenly be in Australia?

“Ah, I didn't know your family was coming, Changbin. Maybe you could have seen them before the show started.” Chan replies, voice moving further away from the phone now. You can hear Changbin sigh before you shake your head, laughing on your side of the phone. “Great job, Bin. Now you better keep this secret or else.” You say quickly before ending the call. The show should be starting soon, making your nerves even worse but why were you so nervous? You see this man every day and you always go to his shows. Could it be because you've never been on this side of the stage while he performs?

Time seems to disappear as the show starts, listening to everyone scream and sing along, it's like you can feel all the love for Stray Kids from everyone and watching the boys run around and having fun while in their true element. Finally, comes your moment as the others are talking, Chan is staring out into the crowd into your area. You lift your sign, screaming his name while waving the sign a bit.

He looks around trying to see who yelled, reading the sign as best as he could before looking below it to be met by your eyes. Your face full of excitement, eyes squinted from how big your smile is, his gaze softens once he realises that it's really you. His eyes start to water, lips quivering as he sees you on this side of the stage for the first time and sees how you're having so much fun. For the rest of the show, he watches your area quite closely and can't help but smile when you're interacting with the people around, hugging people and singing your heart out with everyone.

Once the show is over, you quickly show security your backstage pass, hurrying to find Chan's family. Looking around at the staff and everyone working their asses off to make sure everything ends correctly and no one forgets anything. Suddenly you're being lifted into the air from behind causing you to squeal and grab onto the arms that wrapped around you so tightly. “Y/n!!” the voice yells, making you smile and look back. You're met by those same big eyes that found you in a sea full of people. 

“Hi Chris, you killed that show! You all did!” you say added the last part when you see all the kids piling into the room full of their guests, seeing Felix hurry to his family and the others hurrying to grab bottles of water. “Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Did you leave your family early to come?” He asks, concerned that you cut your time with family short just to see him live. “No no, she's been with her family all week.” His mother says as she walks over to hug him tightly. He hugs her back looking at her with big eyes full of confusion. “So did you just get here? You sent me a picture earlier of you getting ready for dinner.” His voice full of excitement but also with confusion. 

Even his mom can’t keep in her laugh as she looks at you, rubbing your shoulder. “You really can pick them huh?” Hannah says as she walks over and hugs Chan, “what?” is all he can say back, before you’re hugging him while his dad speaks to him. “Christopher, she's been with us this whole time. It was a surprise she started planning since you told all of us about your tour dates. We picked her up from the airport, brought her home, took care of her and helped her get everything ready. I'm sure the photo she sent you earlier was a distraction so you wouldn't worry about her.” He says as you nod, looking up at him.

“Oh my.. You did this for me?” he says as he slowly turns to look at you, eyes watering up again. “Ah ah ah don't cry love. I just wanted to surprise you here at home.” “but your sign..” “Oh that? That was your dads idea since the one he made for the airport was very similar.” He quickly pulls you closer to himself, leaning down and kissing the top of your head. “Welcome home sweetheart, I told you you’d see me sooner than you thought.” You say to him, rubbing his back softly. 

“Mhm.. welcome home as well future Mrs. Bang.”

What did the sign say you might ask? “Bang Chan! Can I be your future Mrs. Bang?” credits… his dad.

©️ dearestaussiechannie, all rights reserved.

Taglist: (to be added, comment or message me♡)

@bangchansbae

[polinsated]

@polin-erospsyche said these tags i wrote shouldn't be tags, and i trust her with my possible-inpending embarrassment, apparently, so, here you go:

i adore this look so much. the way colin looks at pen here will never not be used as a defence against people saying polin are 'rushed', or 'have no chemistry', or whatever it is they're saying now. and here's my little take on it.

-> you know how they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone. in this case, colin didn't realise how much he needed pen and her letters until they were gone....

—

this lonely, weary traveller has been away for months. we know his family doesn't often reply to his letters. and although he jokes about it, and they do too, we can all agree that he's upset by this, yes?

so in this moment, he turns around and sees the only person who has been corresponding with him throughout his journeys. he sees the woman who not only responds to every letter he sends but also who does so with genuine interest and fondness. the person who has made him feel like he has had a friend there with him on his travels. i personally believe he was alone for most, if not, nearly all of the time he was away. though, even if he did have some companionship; penelope was his constant for that time.

she has probably been keeping him entertained with stories, making sure he knows his family is okay, and asking him about every detail of his adventures. and in my opinion, i believe she barely ever mentioned herself in these letters. she has really been there with him every step of the way via her open ears (nay eyes) and written words.

and so finally, he sees her there, and i don't think he knows what to do with himself.

does he want to just say hello? probably not - look at his face! does he want to sit down with her right away and ramble on about things he has yet to say? or maybe just tell the same stories - because he knows she will listen, and she will understand, and she will enjoy hearing about them. maybe. does he want to hug her and say thank you? possibly.

my point is that i think he doesn't know what to do. it's such a short look that he doesn't have time to decide. and he's suspended in those moments when he sees her looking back at him with a huge smile on her face. he's overwhelmed.

i may be wrong in this part, but i also think he's a little surprised. he knows pen hangs out with his family a lot, but i don't think he expected her to be there right at that very moment he walked in the door. the man is baffled, to me. and in love.. despite not knowing it yet, hehe.

and it leads me to the sudden and heartbreaking point of 3.01. when colin has finished greeting his family, he turns to look at the featherington house because he notices right away that pen is not there like last time. and now it feels wrong that she isn't.

and if you watch that moment, the exact part when he turns back to his family again, there is something in the way his hands swing loosely at his sides, like a defeated sigh from his body - if you know what i'm trying to say.

his body language, to me, just screams disheartened... dispirited, or whatever other fancy word you'd see fit to use. but it's so subtle...

and then later we find out that penelope didn't respond to any of his letters this time. and i can only imagine how confused he is. because, honestly, he probably forgot about the horrible courting comment he made, and even if he remembered, he doesn't know then that pen heard it. so in his mind he is wondering where on earth his friend is. the possibility that she could be unwell has probably also crossed his mind. he is just - desperate, most likely - at this point to find out what's going on.

the thought of him, on his travels, everyday wondering why there still hasn't been a single letter signed 'penelope' absolutely breaks my heart.

and while i was about to end this post, i just thought about colin actually writing his own letters, and how he might've changed his tone along the way... do you think they ever included such words as something like: "i eagerly await your response." / "i hope to hear from you sometime soon." / "are you well, pen?"

or even this soul destroying, lump in the throat inducing quote that my mind has just come up with: "i've begun to think that there's a possibility you have not received my recent letters. for several weeks i have not heard back. not even a single tidbit about your mama, or my bothersome siblings. i must admit, my travels have not been as such fun or as fascinating as when i have my good friend to tell them to. i hope my writing finds you soon enough, or that yours finds me."

......

anyway, i don't write metas.. or i do and i never post them because i feel stupid and rambly and i'm never sure if it makes sense, but, i'm being a little brave here, haha. (thank you, luwen)

[urgardenandmine]

idiocy ᵔᴥᵔ - b. choi

summary: choi beomgyu is the hot guy and he's in some hot water... ⚠️‼️WARNING: there's a small like mention of blood and self-inflicted harm so if this is not for you, please keep moving (or read my other works :p )⚠️‼️ genre: angst/non-idol work pairing: gender neutral reader x choi beomgyu word count: 1.1K

“you’re never going to see me again.”

those words struck a certain chord in your heart. if i were to describe the melody now ringing in your ears, it would almost make the paint peel off the walls due to how disheartening and discordant they were. it was as if the chords were an untuned clarinet and a tuba playing in harmony as if you were being chased by a killer. it was then paired with a painful tritone, making your bleeding heart now pour out streams of scarlet sap. as the music became louder, the final look on his face was almost the climax of the now overbearing symphony in your head. hearing those words from the boy who you poured your heart out to was just…unreal. you could feel the corners of your eyes begin to well, yet not a single drop was ready  to fall because if they did, then this meant it was true.

your hands had soon been crumpled into two tight fists, attached to your sides as you couldn’t have him see how you were acting. you could tell the knuckles of your fists were now turning pale, yet you needed this to ground you, along with the pain you self-inflicted as your nails dug into your palms. who cares if they bled and you couldn’t hold a pencil for a while. this was more important that the so-called “make it or break it” exams you were about to face.

your nose was barely focused on the smell of the world around you, as if everything was now immediately sour from how life was. it was like if someone had paired unwashed gym socks and then had stuffed them with a lemon and manure to get back at you. your ears themselves could only focus on the buzz of the fluorescent lights, tuning everything out but the boy in front of you and the now world which felt as if you were a punching bag. 

your body itself felt cold and hot at the same time, similar to when you had a fever. rather than your internal feeling cold and your exterior feeling hot, it was as if the temperature had risen and dropped at certain points in your body. your knees and below felt weirdly cold, almost as if you had lifted the blanket and you forgot to cover your lower extremities. from then above to your shoulders, you felt warm. not hot, as in blazing, but warm. it was probably due to your blood rushing immensely and your heart beating faster than usual. from your shoulders all the way down to your fists, you felt cold, like if you were experiencing a direct blow from the great zephyr himself. from your collarbone to the top of your head, it was the same temperature one would feel in hell. your crown felt immensely hot, as if you were in the microwave and being heated on the potato selection.  

as your now lifeless and drained [e/c] eyes met his brown ones, he could feel his own heart shatter yet he had no control over what he wanted to do. hell, he wouldn’t be leaving you in the quad. he would be leaving you almost well…never. though he wanted to immediately apologize and hold you in his arms, he had no choice in this matter. this was the will of his parents but he couldn’t say that. what he really wanted to say was how you both should run away together. how you two should just have fun and live life to the fullest. though as he was about to enter his senior year in university, he had no choice being part of the wealthiest family in the town, he had to put himself first (or so he told himself).

choking on your words, you mustered to push out a heartbroken laugh as you glared at the boy who had ripped your heart out and given it back to you in the form of roadkill.

“so that’s it?” you spat at him. a single tear had fallen, rolling down your cheek as beomgyu saw it reach your jaw. he had the urge to wipe it yet he didn’t budge, shoving down his own feelings and making sure his tears never surfaced. not giving you an answer, you wiped your own tears as you sniffled and laughed sorrowfully. 

“fine. i should’ve known the rumors of the fuckboy choi beomgyu were real. i was just so stupid, fuck.” you muttered to yourself, causing beomgyu’s heart to shatter bit by bit. he had a reputation that was practically sang by everyone in town. when you two first met, it was the casual “use the nerdy kid in my class to do my homework” type cliche. sadly, he had fallen for the nerdy student when he had noticed that you had fallen asleep studying in the library. he had seen your notepad with a list of revisions on the project you were supposed to do together yet, he had given you that burden. the next day, you two spent the rest of the week spending time together and had forgotten all about the project. beomgyu, wanting to appease you as he wanted to impress you, had done the rest of the project himself. safe to say that even though you both didn’t get an A, you both had great memories…

emphasis on had.

huffing loudly, you wiped your tears one last time before looking right through him. through, not towards…

through.

beomgyu could feel your daggers pierce him, yet he had to be unwavering and stubborn. in reality, all he wanted to do was hug you and make sure you at least got home safe after this whole ordeal but, he couldn’t. it was almost as if he could’ve lied to his parents, he felt a small part of your relationship being out and he was too scared of the stupid family name to even put forward his own happiness. he had no care if he was outed, what he cared for was that no other man could call you his. beomgyu cleared his throat, waiting for you to speak. feeling the five second silence being deafening, he opened his mouth yet nothing came out. you continued to glare at him. seeing his lips open and gape, you let out a small chuckle and stepped towards him. 

immediately closing his mouth, beomgyu stood up straighter and looked into your watery eyes. taking a gulp before you spoke, you had looked up into the eyes which once shined when he saw you across campus.

“i was an idiot to even love you.”

turning away on your heel, you had sped away, leaving beomgyu now a green field filled with daisies and small butterflies. beomgyu looked down, seeing tears fall down onto the grass. trying to catch his breath, he broke down as he sat and clutched his knees towards his chest. 

even in your last moments together, you still took his breath away…

⋆｡°✩

this was originally gonna be with like yeonjun but i have other plans in mind...

this is my first angst work so i hope y'all like it!

if y'all like get sad, lemme know so i can like do more angsty works 👹

[minty364]

DPXDC Prompt #142 Part 2

His parents had spent years working on their portal, to the point where they were neglecting their own children. Danny didn’t know any better, neither did Jazz. To them it was just how their family ran and for the most part it worked for them. It allowed Danny to really study space and the Stars. His room was covered with different ship models on the shelves, glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and posters on the walls.

Jazz had similarly explored her own thoughts and topics as she studied Psychology. Her room was more feminine but still had a certain scientific decorum to it.  

He never thought that he’d suddenly be ripped from all the things he loved. But here he was with the trench coat man, instead of taking some biology class or something.

“What happened with the portal?” Danny asked.

The man took a long sigh, “listen… quite a lot of shit went down after your accident.” 

“That tells me nothing,” Danny glared at the man.

“I get your upset kid, but let me at least know your name. Mine's John Constantine,” 

“…Danny,” Danny muttered after a moment. He wasn’t sure he trusted the man but he guessed he had no choice. He was also noticing he felt a bit off, it was the weirdest gut feeling and Danny was having trouble telling exactly what the feeling was. It was like the feeling was telling him to trust John, although at the same time John had this weird feeling about him that had Danny feeling weary. He decided to trust John just a little, hopefully it got him back home, after a moment Danny spoke again, “…Can you at least tell me if the portal worked?”

The room was silent for a moment and then John spoke “Alright, fine, I’ll tell you what happened but some background first, do you know who the ancients are?” 

The name didn’t sound familiar, “Ancients? Like Ancient Aliens or something?” 

“No, no…” John took a swig from a flask in his pocket and then started fiddled with an unlit cigarette he pulled from a different pocket. He then looked Danny up and down, “You don’t know the first thing about the infinite realms do you?”

“The what?” None of this was making any sense and the more Danny talked to this guy the more he was getting a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Something about this conversation felt wrong, like Danny should know all of this already but he just didn’t. 

“Right well… I guess the easiest way to explain this is the portal your parents made was to the infinite realms.” John said, putting the cigarette in his mouth.

“My parents called it the Ghost Zone.” Danny muttered.

John seemed to chuckle at that, “I mean it is mainly inhabited by ghosts, however they aren’t the only ones, far from it in fact. I’m sorry but… I couldn’t allow your parents unlimited access to the realms. I had to disable it and prevent it from being reactivated.”

Danny felt a little disheartened after hearing that, he guessed John was probably right though. He remembered hearing his parents talk about how they’d dissect every ghost they found to study them. The bully’s at his school often bullied Danny over it especially after his dad and mom would continually embarrass him on parent teacher nights and on field trips.

Danny let out a small sigh, “so when can I go home?”

John looked a little surprised, his eyebrow quirked up, “so you're unaware of your situation right now?”

“Situation?” Danny trailed off, he remembered getting shocked and then he remembered waking up here, “where are we?”

John let out another sigh, “shit, well from my research you're supposed to know everything about your powers when you wake up.”

This made no sense to Danny, powers? Danny didn’t have powers, he didn't have the meta-gene.

“Powers? I don’t have the meta-gene. I think you have the wrong person.” Danny stated as he folded his arms in front of himself.

“Then how are you floating?” John asked with a smirk.

Danny looked down and he indeed was floating just an inch off the bed, he wondered when that started but the feeling threw him off a little as he stumbled a little trying to keep himself upright. It didn’t work and he fell back down on the bed with a little thud. He turned to see John watching him with a small hint of amusement in his eyes. 

“What am I?” Danny asked, his voice small and a little panicked.

“You, Danny Fenton, are an Ancient. I know the term makes it seem like you're old but the term is more because your people are ancient in age.” The explanation made no sense to Danny but he could somehow float now. He thought the term ‘Ancient’ was a little much for some floating powers.

[show-your-fangs]

My trauma from certain chapters of Moments might’ve come up with something for a blurb. I’d die to see Jack expressing himself over not liking Beth and some sort of moment between reader Aaron and Jack where Jack makes it clear that he sees reader as a mother figure which makes Aaron pull his head out of his ass and makes the right chooce IMMEDIATELY for once👀 Or idk maybe not even Beth related but it would be cool to see Jack not wanting to lose another mother figure

I just love my little trio of hotchner boys and reader they’re such a little family I could cry

gosh as much as i am a beth hater, i could not find a way to fit this into moments. however, chapter 24 is literally just domestic fluff so you'll be fed GOOD when it comes out.

here's just a cute little moments au blurb where jack calls reader mom and aaron almost loses it.

This is part one of two Moment AU asks that I thought would go perfectly together.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x f!Reader

Words: 788

CW: nothing, just fluff.

Disclaimer: YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO REPOST MY WRITING ANYWHERE ELSE WITHOUT MY CONSENT. REBLOGS ARE ENCOURAGED THOUGH. YOU MAY NOT FEED MY WORK TO ANY AI DATABASES OF ANY KIND OR TO USE MY WORKS TO TRAIN AI. FUCK AI.

"Can we invite mom to dinner?" Jack's question filled the quiet apartment with a heaviness that Aaron couldn’t quite understand. Haley had just dropped the boy off at his apartment after spending the better part of the week at her place.

"Buddy, I don't think mom wants to come all the way here—” 

“Did I do something wrong?” Jack practically whimpered and Aaron was rendered speechless once more, his brows scrunching further. That just made the poor boy look even more disheartened. His round eyes practically bursting as he tried to figure out what he could’ve possibly done to offend. 

Aaron crossed the room to him in an instant, crouching down to his level as he sat at the dinner table finishing up on some school work. 

“You did nothing wrong, buddy,” he said, gently, making sure that the words settled. “I just don’t think we should ask your mom to come over for dinner when she just spent the week with you.”

“I don’t wanna invite mommy to dinner,” Jack corrected him, as if he’d been correct this entire time and it was his dad who was not getting it. “I wanna invite mom.”

It took Aaron a few seconds to blink away the misunderstanding, confusion twisting into shock. Jack had called you mom, Jack had just…called you mom. A smile crept up on Aaron’s lips, one that Jack matched instantly as he realized his dad had just understood him. 

“Do you want to call mom and invite her to dinner?” he asked the boy and he lit up like never before. Aaron pulled out his phone and immediately called you, putting it on speaker phone and handing the device over to Jack as he returned to the kitchen. 

“Hi, honey,” your voice was warm and inviting and he wanted nothing more than to respond to you, but he wanted to experience your shock, the shock that Jack had just given him, more than anything. 

“Mom!” Jack practically screamed into microphone.

“Hi, angel,” Aaron could hear you stifle a sob and he couldn’t help but tear up with you. 

“Hi!” Jack was too hyper, getting any words in difficult. “Dad’s making dinner!”

“What’s he making?”

“Dad!” Aaron couldn’t help the laugh that erupted, so much screaming, so much energy. He walked out of the kitchen and took the phone from the boy, turning off speakerphone before he addressed you.

“He’s making boxed Mac n Cheese with hot dogs,” Aaron replied, a smile in his voice. 

“Aaron—” you sobbed into his ear.

“I know, he got me too.”

“Did you know?”

“No,” he chuckled. “But I definitely do now.”

“Dad, give me back the phone!” Jack whined, pulling on Aaron’s arm until he could press his mouth to the microphone once more. “Can you come to dinner, please?” 

He stretched out that last word until he was gasping for breath, making both you and Aaron laugh. 

“Yes, angel, I’ll be there in a second, alright?” 

“Mmkay!” 

“I’ll see you soon, mom,” Aaron teased.

“I’m fully sobbing at a red light, just so you know,” you tried to make him feel bad but it honestly didn’t matter. Jack saw you as his mom, and nothing could take that away from you.

“I love you,” Aaron said. 

“I love you too.”

Jack was engrossed in his worksheet once he finally hung up the phone. Aaron watched him for a second, how his tongue stuck out of his mouth while he concentrated, how he gripped the pencil in his hand like it would somehow slip away, how all of his things had spread out across the table as if he quite literally owned the place. 

Jack had that effect on people, that easy way of taking over someone's heart in a way that only you could do as well. Aaron had been sure from the first time he introduced the two of you that you were soulmates, that he was meant to bring the two of you together.

Jack loved you so much it was overwhelming at times, his own kid clearly trying to one up him at every turn. But it didn't matter, Aaron knew Jack was your favorite, even if you constantly reassured him that you loved both your boys equally.

“Would you like her to be your mom forever?” He asked. 

Jack nodded enthusiastically, pencil dropping and attention back to his dad. “And ever and ever.”

Aaron smiled brightly, fully, like the sun had taken control of him and he couldn’t stop. It was a silent promise, a definitive choice, a reminder of the small velvet box he’d hidden in the back of his closet a few days ago.

“Do you want to help me ask her?”

jack is my perfect child and i would kill for him

requests are still open for hotch and i am trying to get to the ones i've received. it's taking me a second because of just how many other open projects i've got, but trust me, they will get done.

tags: @canuck-eh, @ssamorganhotchner, @criminalskies, @xladyxdreamer

[khalixvitae]

I never post here anymore due to personal stuff, but I want to reach out on all my socials about this because people need to see it. Can I just say that I am so incredibly disheartened by some people’s responses to what is happening in the South Eastern US/Appalachia? I really can’t explain the level of devastation that is unfolding here under Hurricane Helene. There are people trapped in my childhood neighborhood without power or water because of downed trees and power lines and flooding. I couldn’t get ahold of my family for more than a day because there was a massive cell service outage in my state. Parts of where I grew up will not have electricity for three weeks. My family could be without electricity for three weeks. I didn’t know if my best friend was okay for 12 hours because there was no way to communicate and we live two hours away from one another. I’m entering day 3 of not having electricity.

And frankly, we’re on the luckier side. A town my family has visited every year for the last 20 years is fucking gone- leveled by flooding from a failed dam. Everything including the road is completely washed out, and this is in the fucking mountains. And that’s just what we know about so far during what is still widespread cell service failure. There are entire interstates that have washed out or fallen apart during mudslides- whole towns are gone, and people cannot call for help.

And the number of people I’ve seen, people who say they’re advocating for MY rights as a trans/queer person, who have fully dismissed this in favor of taking to twitter to make comments about how it’s “Trump Country anyway” and how we “deserve it” and “should’ve voted blue to keep this from happening” is brutal. Every time something happens to us down here, out of touch middle class liberals are so quick to blame our collective region of the country for struggles we do not have the time, energy, money, or legislation to prevent. As if we’re fucking stupid and should be purged, like we somehow matter less because our politicians are a breed of fucked up that a whole lot of us disagree with. We aren’t a monolith and we are right fucking here, and mocking us on twitter in the middle of a humanitarian crisis is not going to help your case, I promise.

I cannot explain to you what it’s like to hear somebody with your mother’s accent describe that they can’t pull people out of cars quick enough because the flood water is moving too fast. Everything I’ve ever known is either blipped off the power grid or under water. I’m begging you, please see us as people who are suffering and not as a monolithic entity.

There are trans and queer people here, just like everywhere else. We are suffering at the hands of legislation we don’t believe in, legislation that thinks we should die, and now a mounting natural disaster that we still don’t know the full extent of. There are poor communities, communities that are predominantly BIPOC, disabled people, it goes on. There are a whole lot of us who don’t fit the criteria of the pro trump agenda, who don’t match the bill of what an American southerner looks like in the minds of those who have never been here, who are actively suffering. We ARE voting blue both locally and on the federal level.

But here’s the kicker: it doesn’t fucking matter that we’re here. My life doesn’t mean anything more than my neighbor who might hate who I am to their very bones. Nor am I more deserving of aid than them, even if I hate them right back. The concept of withholding aid or hesitating to help particular regions because of what their government officials believe is heinous. Hell, even if regular civilians believe it too, it’s still wrong and morally reprehensible. Similarly, providing aid with the caveat of “converting those stubborn hicks” to the cause is downright evangelical and fucking evil. This is a humanitarian crisis, and people need help. And truly if you think it would be better if the south couldn’t vote, or that we collectively deserve this on some moral or karmic basis, I really need you to think critically about those exact talking points because they should sound shockingly familiar. Governments should help their people, and that should be a bipartisan priority. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says- people who are ignoring this because of where it’s happening are vile and need to get themselves sorted out. And the people who do think this is some sort of universal comeuppance for this part of the country can- and I mean this truly deeply, from my heart of hearts- go straight to hell.

I’m going to be posting resources to help those in need in the Appalachia region, as well as Florida. I’ll include shelters, food banks, etc. I’ll have them out soon. I don’t use this blog really anymore but this is the least I can do.

[linos-luna]

Injuries? 🔪

Yandere!Huengingkai x Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+, Yandere, manipulation

—————————— 🧸 ——————————

Pretending to be sick or injured for attention? No way he’d do that! Not your sweet boyfriend! He’s just a little clumsy at times.

But this man was crazy. He managed to manipulate you into falling for him. Acting all cute and innocent, when being innocent is far from what he is. Kai hides it from his friends well, rarely letting the mask slip. Although sometimes it does. He stalked you, learned your habits, and charmed you into falling in love. And now… well now you’re stuck.

~ 🧸

A family event. Just great. Not one of your favorite things. In all honesty you only go to family events see siblings, cousins, and a select few revatives. If it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t go at all. But today was different. They wanted to meet your boyfriend.

You’ve been dating him for a while and even moved in together yet he’s never met your parents face to face. He’s talked to them on the phone and through video call but never in person. They seem to like him but are disheartened that you rarely visit.

You thought that since this relationship is serious, you’d have him meet others in your family as well.

But your boyfriend isn’t so excited either… in fact he doesn’t want you to go at all. He hates when you give other people attention and he’ll definitely get jealous, even it’s your family! He won’t even let you get a pet in fear that you’d love it more than him.

So he was thinking…

You had been getting dressed and packing some clothes. The trip wouldn’t be for another hour or two but you just wanted to be ready.

Looking in the mirror, you sighed while finishing your hair and makeup, wondering how this would pan out.

Meanwhile you could hear your boyfriend shriek.

You hear some thuds and quickly rush out, only to see him moaning at the bottom of the stairs.

“Oh my god! Baby are you okay?!” You quickly went to him, quite worried. “Baby?”

“I-I’m fine noona…” he was holding back a smile, “I just fell that’s all.”

“Baby, you gotta be more careful...” You frowned while helping him up.

He winced when standing before crying out in pain.

“Agh! Noona that hurts!”

You paused and look down, his ankle was a little swollen. He must’ve sprain it. This isn’t the first time… he’s just clumsy like that.

“I think it’s sprained…” he whimpered.

You frowned at it, feeling bad, before gently getting him to the bedroom.

You left to the kitchen to make an ice pack as kai made himself comfortable. He always knew how to get the injury just right.

Soon you came back with the ice pack and propped some pillows up to put his ankle on.

“Baby, I’ll make you some soup before I leave!” You said while putting the ice pack to his ankle. “I’ll leave your crutches from last time right here… Then I’ll have your friend Soobin come by tomorrow morning to help you. I’ll be back tomorrow night. Okay?”

“Before you leave?? But you can’t go..”

“But I already told my parents that I’m going.” You sighed. “I haven’t seen them in almost a year.”

“But… but I’m hurt…” he frowned.

“I know but—”

“Don’t leave me, noona!” He blurted out while grabbing your wrist. “Please!”

“Baby—”

“I need you!” He said while tearing up. “It hurts noona!”

This was just breaking your heart. There was always this little instinct of yours to take care of people you love, especially your boyfriend. But it also got you thinking… he’s hurt his ankle a lot. Other body parts too but his ankle more recently…

“Baby… you’ve sprain your ankle before…” you said while sitting next to him and rubbing his cheek. “It wasn’t that bad last time… it’s not like you broke it and—”

“Should I break it?” He said with a dead serious expression. “Will breaking it make you care?!”

“What?! No don’t break it!” You were stunned. Why would he say that?!

“I can break it! I can break it right now!” He said frantically while starting to get up, only for you to pull him back down.

“No Kai don’t!”

“You obviously don’t care about me!” He said, obviously frustrated, with some tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Baby—”

“I don’t wanna hear it!” He interrupted. “Just go! Go have fun with the family that’s mean to you!”

Disheartened, you stood up and sighed. Not sure what to say as he was obviously upset.

“I-I’ll go make your food…” you said while awkwardly walking out.

Your boyfriend wondered if he was a little too harsh but you should be apologizing soon. That’s what he wants.

You were lost in thought while cutting the vegetables. The thought of leaving him did seem bad but then again, this trip has been planned for weeks! And everyone is excited to see you. Even if your family is a little toxic, all families are right?

But why would you leave him alone?? Your sweet baby boy! I mean it’s not his fault that he fell down the stairs. Everyone does that at some point in life. Right?

You put the vegetables in along with some left over chicken bones for homemade broth. Now you just needed to wait for it to boil before adding the meat and noodles.

You sighed while going back to the bedroom and peaked in to see your boyfriend sitting there with his arms crossed.

“Baby?”

He didn’t answer, only looking at you.

“I’m making your soup.” You said while coming in. “I-I’m sure you’re going to like it.”

Again, he doesn’t answer. Only stares.

“Hey.” You sit next to him and take his hand. “You know… my family is a pain. Perhaps… I shouldn’t go.”

Kai perked his head up when hearing that and looked at you, acting surprised.

“I mean, they’re not all that nice.” You shrug. “And besides, I can’t just leave my injured baby boy at home all alone.

“So… you’re not leaving?”

“It was dumb of me to think I should. I’m sorry.” You said before giving him a kiss on the cheek. “I should be at home. Taking care of my baby boy.”

“Noona…? After dinner… Can we cuddle and watch movies?”

“Of course!” You said while standing up, about to leave to finish cooking.

“Noona!” He called out suddenly. “I-I want more kiss!”

You chuckled and went back to him, giving a long kiss on the lips. But even as you tried pulling away, he pulled you in again, making you sit next to him.

At first he held your shoulders as he kissed you, then moved to lightly grope your breast and hold your waist m. He wanted to do more but you stop him.

You moaned a little and let go, remembering that you have food cooking.

“Baby let’s continue later.” You laughed. “I got food on the stove!”

“Okay, noona.” He giggled as you got up.

He was just too cute to look at and you quickly made your way out to check on the soup.

Your boyfriend smiled. He got exactly what he wanted.

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 28)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (26) & Alexia Putellas x Character (3)

Masterlist (other parts here)

There were many pictures of Lucy all over the internet, but in reality, she rarely took photos of herself. Usually, they were for an Instagram update or for family, and now, morning selfies for YFN. Lucy was still smiling when she woke after her spontaneous late night phone sex with her little Australian, and it was a first for Lucy. She’d never dated anyone comfortable enough to do that. And beyond all of that, somehow Lucy had managed to orgasm by just hearing her, watching her… god, the way her excited nipples looked, the arch in her back, the stifled whimpering so Jordan wouldn’t hear. Lucy was tempted to find a late flight to Birmingham just to spend that night. She gave a teasing smile as she took a sleepy selfie from her bed, glasses on, cuddling Narla and giving a look she knew would get her girlfriend’s attention.

Lucy: Selfie to start your day. Good morning, little one x

Lucy was still a little disheartened about the airport, however the phone sex had put a little of her disappointment to bed. YFN just wasn’t ready to say it or accept it yet, and although Lucy didn’t understand it, she would try to.

As usual, Lucy picked up Ona and drove them to training. It just made sense, and it gave her some company in the Spanish city where she didn't fully speak the language.

“Do you want me to drive us this week?” Ona asked in broken English. It was still better than most of the players on the team. “Because of your knee?” She reached over and gave Lucy’s knee a little squeeze.

Lucy shied away from her touch for many reasons. One being that she didn't like being touched. Another being that she didn’t want Ona to get the wrong impression. Lucy had never liked being touched or hugged, unless it was from close friends or at specific moments. Jordan, for example. Jordan was always so affectionate with her thigh squeezes and kisses on the forehead when you did something right. She could handle that in moderation, yet she reserved her closest needs and affection for herself. That is, until she’d met YFN. For some odd reason, Lucy wanted affection from her constantly. It was a need that she was still yet to understand.

“Maybe alternating will be good.” Lucy agreed.

“Alternating?”

“Oh.. me today, you tomorrow, me, you, me…”

“Ahhh.” Ona nodded in understanding and flashed Lucy a smile. “Si, estoy de acuerdo.” Yes, I agree.

They arrived at training and were immediately surrounded by fans with cameras at the entrance. They wanted signatures and selfies, but Lucy never tended to stop on the way in, and always on the way out instead. She’d learnt early in her career to set healthy boundaries with fans. As she drove through the gate she saw someone familiar in the crowd briefly and had to double take, but lost her to the crowd. There were so many regular fans and Lucy would always try to remember the ones who kept coming back, however there were just too many.

“Lucia Roberta, why are you looking anxious?” Alexia asked in Spanish. Lucy knew enough to converse generally, and she was especially used to Alexia not wanting to speak English often.

Lucy worried at her phone, wondering why the day was finishing and she still hadn’t gotten a reply from YFN. She always replied. Was she okay? Her mind went to Kristie and the brick and the blood…

When she didn’t get a response, Alexia sat down next to Lucy. The two weren’t as close as they were with others, but they respected each other. Alexia respected Lucy for her brilliance as a player, and her discipline. Lucy respected Alexia for her skill on the field, and her leadership. Alexia didn’t tend to take bullshit, but she cared deeply. She was always straight forward but looked after her players well. They were similar in a lot of ways, really.

“Lucia?” Alexia asked again in Spanish, looking to her phone. “You’re not usually on your phone.”

“I’m worried about my girlfriend.” She said simply.

Alexia’s eyebrows rose at that. She spoke in broken English now. “Ah, I saw the photos on Instagram. She’s pretty.”

Lucy gave a little chuckle at Alexia’s nicety. “She’s beautiful. Australian.”

“You met her this trip?”

Lucy nodded. “Through Jordan. She’s… really special to me.”

Lucy put her phone down and rested her chin on her knees.

“Why are you worried?”

Lucy sighed and turned her head to look at her hazel eyed Captain who genuinely seemed to care. She didn’t usually open up to anyone, let alone la Reina. But Alexia was showing interest and so Lucy decided to open a little and tell her about Kristie, the messages, the brick.

Alexia looked disgusted. “You can’t…uh…”

“Sue? With lawyers?”

Alexia nodded.

“No.” Lucy said. “I tried that. No witnesses or camera footage. I have restraining orders being drawn up though.”

Funnily enough, Alexia understood that. She’d had a few obsessive fans in her time also, being la Reina.

“She’s not replying… and you’re worried for her?”

Lucy nodded. Alexia put a hand on her back and rubbed it gently. They both were also similar in the fact that they kept physical affection as a rarity for certain people or certain times of need.

“She makes you happy?”

“Yeah.” She admitted huskily. She felt herself getting a little emotional just thinking about her and cleared her throat. Her phone dinged.

YFN: Sorry, busy day.

Lucy knew that was a lie. She always made time for her.

Lucy: I was worried something happened to you. Are you okay?

YFN: I’m fine, Luce. Thanks though.

Lucy found herself a little confused at her messages. She didn’t sound the same.

Lucy: Why do you feel distant suddenly..?

She waited for what felt like an hour, now so invested in her phone that she almost forgot Alexia was right there.

YFN: I think I just need a little bit of space, Luce. I need to get my head together.

Lucy’s heart started pounding. What had happened between last night and now? Was work stressful? Did she realise the distance was going to be an issue? Was the idea of Lucy’s maniac fans finally scaring her away?

Lucy: Is it work? Has it been overwhelming? I can help..

Another pause. Three dots appeared and disappeared.

YFN: No. Work has been great. Exciting. I just need a little space.

Not work. Something worse then. Lucy felt her heart breaking and she was starting to get emotional. She immediately tried to call her. YFN rejected the call.

Alexia must have understood something was happening because she stood, rubbing her back again before Captain Alexia reappeared.

“Remember to go and see the fans when you’re free, Lucia.” She said before she left. It was public training day, and the fans were all lined up in the stands, hugging the barriers begging for autographs and photos. Lucy almost didn’t hear her. Almost.

YFN: Lucy please.

Lucy’s heart broke. Why wasn’t she talking to her? She knew a lot about YFN’s past, but not everything. She understood it was all new to her, and she worried that it was all becoming a little too overwhelming for her.

Lucy: Don’t do this please. We need to go through things together. I know you’re not used to that, but I can help.

Lucy waited another five minutes, chin on her knees and thinking when suddenly she started receiving screenshot after screenshot of messages YFN had been sent. All pictures and videos of Lucy and Ona at the World Cup, during games, during training, outside of football. She gasped. She knew how it looked. Before YFN, Ona had been there for her at the World Cup. She was so grateful to Lucy for getting her from United to Barca, and letting her stay with her for a little while. It wasn’t news to anyone who knew Ona that she was extra affectionate. She loved touches and hugs and kisses, it was just her. And to make matters worse, Lucy had known Ona had liked her for some time. She flirted back sometimes, but that had all been before she’d met YFN. Of course, she had never let it go beyond that as there was eight years and a significant amount of maturity difference, but the attention had been nice after Keira, she was ashamed to admit. Fuck.

YFN: I need space. Please.

YFN: I’ll get my emotions together and then we can talk.

She felt so helpless. Her little Australian having these sent to her all day long. Now everything made sense. If Lucy had been in the same situation, she’d also be unsure and needing time to think.

She fought with herself for a little while trying to decide if she should reply, thinking it may make her look guilty if she didn’t. But she wasn't guilty. And so she didn’t reply just then, not wanting to push YFN away, and respecting her space. She would message her later.

Lucy wiped a tear away as Ona approached. She internally groaned. Perfect.

“Are you okay??” She asked, visibly worried and reaching down to stroke her arm.

Lucy nodded and rolled away from her, standing.

“I’m fine. Just going to the fans.”

Ona followed her to the boundaries where the fans were. She threw her phone on the ground near the fans and worked up the boundary line, taking selfies and signing autographs as per usual, just trying to stay out of reach of Ona. She didn’t want any more photos of them together being taken and misinterpreted before she could talk to YFN. As she was thinking about that, she paused, wondering if one of the fans was the one sending the photos. She gritted her teeth and finishing her signings before she took a wide berth around the Spaniard as she went to pick up her phone from where she threw it, but it was gone. She looked around for a few minutes before she gave up, assuming the security guard had taken it.

Great, just what I need, she thought. Lucy wasn’t worried about the money though, just that she needed to be able to call and text YFN when she was ready. She knew she could do that from her iPad and MacBook at home, and so she caught Ona’s attention and gestured towards the car park.

Ona looked a little unsure as Lucy dropped her off, having picked up on Lucy’s now distant and distracted mood. The car ride was mostly silent beyond some niceties, and the farewell was the same.

“I pick you up tomorrow?” Ona said from outside of the car before she closed the door.

Lucy shook her head. “I have somewhere to be in the morning, so I’ll meet you there.”

Ona looked a little upset but she didn’t push it and nodded, closing the door. Lucy was gone almost immediately after that, getting to her apartment without delay. She found her MacBook first, opening it. No messages from YFN. How long should she wait? Would it be too much for her to message tonight, just hours after she said she needed space? Should she message Jordan? They must have spoken about it.

Lucy thought on it a little longer before she threw her MacBook away and charged her iPad for the next day. She looked down at Narla who was wanting attention which pulled a smile out of her.

“Are you texting on an iPad?” Keira teased.

“Lost my phone.” She replied, fully aware of how ridiculous she looked as she texted Jordan and YFN yet again on her iPad.

“Security?”

“Doesn't have it.”

“Well at least you don’t have it up to your ear for a phone call.” She laughed.

“Done that a few times too. You must have missed it.”

Keira squatted down next to her. They were still close, but Lucy had shut her out of that very close part of her.

“You’ve not been yourself, Luce. She’s still not replying?” Lucy knew she genuinely cared. Keira would always care about her, and she her.

“No. And Jordan isn’t saying much.” She sighed, throwing her iPad to the ground and looking at Keira. “Have I been that bad?”

“Well you are usually happy and smiley ninety-nine percent of the time, so when you’re distracted and grumpy, people can tell.”

Great. Another stress to add. She pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. It’s okay, everybody has their off days. You tend to have less than most so I think the girls are mainly just worried about you.”

“I’ll be okay.” There’s that closeness boundary.

Keira looked like she didn’t believe her. “I’m always right here if you need me. And if it makes you feel any better, Alexia is holding the spotlight rather than you. She’s been a lot grumpier than you the past week or so.”

Lucy raised her head. She hadn’t noticed. She’d been so focussed on her own thing. “Oh? What happened?”

“I’m not too sure, most of them have been talking in Spanish but I think it’s about a girl?”

“Not just any girl!” Patri said as she was walking past. She knelt down with a grin. “Alexia has a crush. Big one. She’s been dragging us to a club just to see her.”

“So why is she so grumpy?”

“She disappeared for five months and then reappeared last weekend like everything was okay. Apparently she flirted with Alexia. Now she’s pissed at herself.”

Lucy looked over at Alexia who was smashing the shit out of a punching bag. No one really ever used that punching bag except Lucy, especially not Alexia. And she seemed so… annoyed. How had she been so caught up in her own world that she hadn’t noticed? Alexia had even tried to see if she was okay yesterday, when she herself wasn’t.

“Oh… wow.”

“No one has really been keen to try and talk to her. Mapi got the closest.” Keira said. “We thought she must have said something to you yesterday?”

Lucy shook her head. “No, she was just making sure I was okay.” Typical Alexia, so caring of other people.

“Sunday sure is going to be a fun game with you two so mad.” Patri said cheekily.

Lucy ignored that statement. “I’m going to try and talk to her.”

Lucy grabbed the iPad and stood, walking over to her Captain as the two gave her a nervous good luck. When she got there, she dropped her iPad to the floor and took hold of the punching bag to hold it steady. Alexia caught her eye, her eyebrows were furrowed in obvious annoyance but not at Lucy. She was like that before she arrived. Lucy didn’t say anything, she just held the bag steady as Alexia punched the hell out of it. When she was tired they switched. They didn’t need words. They needed some release.

Their knuckles were sore before their cardio gave out, and so they wordlessly changed to gloves and mitts. Alternating. Lucy had taken up boxing regularly so she guided Alexia through the motions. After a while it was dark, the other girls had gone home, and the two footballers eventually gave in and sat down in a pile of sweat and steam.

“Are you okay?” Alexia eventually asked in Spanish.

Lucy shrugged. She wasn’t and replied in Spanish. “Are you?”

“No.”

“Want to tell me why?”

Alexia sighed. “Did Patri not tell you?”

“Yes, but I was being polite.”

Alexia rolled her eyes and switched to English. “She thinks she can just show up after five months…”

“Have you spoken to her before?”

“A little here and there.”

“So she doesn’t realise that you like her like that? And you’re mad at her?”

Alexia groaned and Lucy had never seen her so frustrated.

“Oh… you’re not mad at her. You’re mad at yourself.”

Alexia put her head in her hands. “She frustrates me.”

“So go and tell her how you feel?”

“Not simple like that. She’s… popular.”

Lucy actually laughed. “Do you forget who you are, la Reina?”

“No I mean… she sleeps with many people.” Alexia’s broken English was always funny for Lucy, though she wasn’t about to tease her on it right now.

“Ah. But maybe you’re the one to end that.” Lucy said cheekily. “Go and see her.”

“I have been back few times this week.. she wasn’t there.”

“Ah.. you feel like she’s making you chase her?”

“Un poco.”

“So… you’re just going to keep being annoyed and scaring your team?”

Alexia looked up a little surprised at that honesty. And then a little upset. She sighed. “I will play Sunday and go back to the bar on the next weekend to talk to her.”

“I think that’s a great decision, capitana. You can use the game Sunday to get a little grumpiness out. I know I will.”

“Si… si. How is that going?”

“Oh so you assume someone told me about your situation, but you don’t think I know someone definitely told you about mine?”

Alexia gave a cheeky smile before it fell. “I’m sorry. People can be so mean. I noticed you stayed away from Ona today. I think it upset her a little..”

“She’ll be fine.”

Alexia nodded. She could be hard like Lucy. “Si. Has she messaged you?”

Lucy reached over and grabbed her iPad. Alexia raised an eyebrow at it but didn’t say anything.

Still no reply from YFN. She groaned out loud and Alexia nodded, knowing she hadn’t. Then a notification caught her attention. They were Instagram posts of Leah and YFN at an event. Her jaw dropped at the sight of her. Her body in that dress. Her beautiful sun-kissed hair done up like that. That little dimply smile. She was happy to see the stitches had been removed, zooming in to see the scar she was left with. Oh, little one. She zoomed back out and noticed Leah then, dressed in a suit and looking great, as usual. Though Lucy felt a twinge of jealously when she saw her hand lightly touching YFN’s back as they took their pictures on the carpet together. Her bare back, as it was backless. She looked at the way her body moved and the beauty of her spine, feeling again jealous but this time because the world could see those little back dimples. Lucy felt like she was in the wrong place. Like she should be standing there next to her, holding her close and making sure she was safe and comfortable and warm.

A few more photos came up then of Leah and YFN sipping champagne and laughing together, lightly touching in some photos. The last one was of YFN standing, gripping Leah’s jacket tight around her as Leah had a hand on her back, presumably making sure she was warm. Lucy’s jaw almost broke from how tight it was locked. She thought she’d managed to control it until she read the caption.

‘Leah Williamson and partner.’

Two things happened almost simultaneously then. First, a snapping sound. Then the pain of glass shards in her left hand.

Lucy and Alexia both stared silently at the iPad snapped in half between Lucy’s hands.

[pseudowho]

Hello Ms Haitch,

I’m 26 years old and have never been in a relationship before. I have been in love and have gone out with guys before, but they’ve never progressed into us dating and becoming official, most often resulting in me heartbroken and ending up in terrible situationships that cause more grief than anyone can imagine. I even completely stopped looking for love these past two years, to give me time to grow into myself and know who I am and what I want from life.

All my friends and everyone else in my life don’t seem to have a problem with finding love or commitment, and deep inside, it kills me to know that they have the companionship that I yearn for. And approaching my late 20s when almost all my close friends have plans of starting families with their partners, I just can’t help but feel disheartened at what feels like my fate to be the designated single friend who would eventually have to settle for a reality I don’t want. But more often than not, even when I am comfortable with my singlehood, my closest friends push me to find a man and that makes me feel even more hopeless (especially with news of engagement parties and potential wedding dates entering my planner). Often in my lowest moments, I wonder if it is my looks or my personality that just icks people off.

I have put myself out in the dating world and have done everything from going to different clubs and events to find people that share my interests, to being set up by my friends. Heck, I even moved across the country for my job and still have no luck with a new and different crowd.

Do you have any advice on how to cope with being the leftover friend, because frankly, I don’t have it in me to hear another “your person is out there waiting for you!” or “you just have to put yourself out there!”

Thank you,

Anon

Hi!

I'm only sorry to say that while I haven't been in your position, I ache to hear it, and I'm sorry you're suffering such loneliness, and fear of the future. One of my closest friends is 37, and has been through much the same as you for quite some years, and struggles with the same. I shall advise you as I advise her.

I think you need to view this through a practical lens, as well as an emotional one. You know how you feel about this emotionally, and have verbalised it well; you're worried about not having this theoretical life partner for you, but also worried about how you are being perceived. In this vein, you are already spiralling down writing yourself off as (amongst others): unattractive, in possession of a bad personality, and leftover.

So, let's look at the practicality: the hard honest truths, the catastrophism, and the futures unknown. You ultimately don't know if you will meet your person tomorrow, in a week, in a year, or ten, or never ever. You need to accept, as a truth, that you absolutely must know and like yourself whether you are going to meet your person, or not.

The truth? You cannot place all of your hopes of happiness on a potential future that you know nothing of whether it will happen or not. Or, you can, but risk misery in the unknown intervening years. Your boat is going through this sea, and you need to be the one true constant. If you are waiting for happiness, or belonging, to happen, based on a theoretical maybe person, there is a chance you will be unhappy your whole life.

I'm a real 'plan for the worst, so if that happens I am prepared, but if anything better happens, it's a bonus' kind of girl. If you do meet your person, do you want to meet them in this state where you dislike yourself? Do you want to meet someone who may not be right for you, but for whom you lower your standards because your greatest fear is of being 'left behind'? Or do you want to meet either of these people as someone who has embraced either path that their life may take?

This sounds like such a write off. It will always feel that way, because you're clawing for an answer that nobody can honestly give you. Most people give you those 'life laugh love' recycled phrases, because they're uncomfortable confronting the truth; that you're unhappy, and lonely, and struggling, and I'm sure at points envious, and they don't know how to help you with it.

So in truth: I cannot help you with this, and I know that. I can only try to help you build the infrastructure you need to help you to weather the storm. I wish I could crystal-ball this for you; I'm sure if you knew, hands down, what your future held, it would be easier to cope with whatever is to come.

I wish I could give you something more concrete.

Tl;dr: You are not leftover. You are not food to be consumed or wasted. Whatever path your future takes, you can seize control, and choose to approach it with your head held high, or with the belief that you are worth nothing.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx