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cozyfoxy · 3 months ago

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The Brackenwood Murders Chapter 2/?

Summary: Dan and PJ go to the police with the envelope that they received, but they were ignored like always. When dectective Lester stumbles upon them on the steps into the station, he finds himself with not only more evidence than he had expected but also a soft spot for a certain Dan Howell.

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Phil walked carefully along the wet sidewalk, absentmindedly counting each leaf that he passed. His interview with the local news station had gone as well as he had expected. Most of the townspeople agreed with him that there should be a curfew and a rule against traveling alone until the killer is caught. However, there was a small handful of hecklers, telling Phil that he was wasting his time and that he should let the “sinners” die.

As much as Phil had wanted to argue with those people, as much as he wanted to yell and correct them, he bit his tongue. He hadn’t been a detective for very long, but he had learned in his first year that letting emotions overtake you would prevent you from getting the answers you need. So, he stood in front of the camera, smiling politely and promising to get to the bottom of the Brackenwood killer. He hoped that the killer himself might have been in the crowd tonight.

Overall, Phil wasn’t a majorly intimidating man. He was a bit too lanky and as clumsy as a newborn deer, but he knew how to use his words. Even when he lacked confidence in himself or in a case, no one would ever spot it. He would speak clearly, surely, and calmly. He had discovered from a young age that even if you had no idea what you were talking about, if you acted like you did, then people would believe you. Phil could only hope that his confidence was already stirring something within the killer.

A shaky sob brought Phil from his thoughts, and he gripped his briefcase more tightly. Perhaps it was being in such a small town that set him on edge. Back home in London, he could easily ignore the sounds of people crying, horns blaring, or the sirens of emergency vehicles. Something about Brackenwood seemed to set his soul on fire and put his anxieties on display. He didn’t allow himself much time to think about it before he followed the crying to the stairs of the police station.

“I’m just so fucking sick of them treating me like a problem. I just want to help them solve this so no one else has to deal with losing a loved one, but I’m an overreactive pervert.” A voice cried, followed by a soft shushing from the man next to him.

Phil watched the men quietly for a moment, taking in their appearances. Both men looked exhausted in a way that Phil had seen more times than he’d like to remember. They were grieving, floating through the days that passed and trying to stay for the future while focusing on the present. Something from their past still sat heavy over both men, like a permanent cloud that prevented the light from touching them.

“I’m sorry, Dan; I should’ve known that they wouldn’t care. I guess I hoped that things would be different with that big deal detective around, but the cops are still as useless as before.” The other man huffed, still trying to comfort the one next to him.

The mention of the cops grabbed Phil’s attention, and he quickly determined what was going on. These men had evidence of some kind, or something that they thought could be useful, but they were brushed off, ignored by the very people who were meant to protect them. Phil stifled an annoyed sigh; he was going to have to bring in his own team at this rate. Before he could even scold himself for intervening, he began to stroll over to the men.

“Hello, I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you two alright?” Phil asked calmly, pulling out a small pack of tissues from his coat pocket.

The men looked up at him, the one crying, taking the tissues thankfully, “as alright as we can be, I guess. I’m just done with these asshole cops. They treat me like a problem every time I try to help them with anything.”

Phil raised his eyebrows curiously, pulling out his badge from his coat to flash it. “I’m detective Phil Lester; I’ve been brought in to assist with the murders here. My time with the police force here hasn’t been the most pleasant, so I can’t say I’m surprised. What happened tonight?”

“I’m Dan, and this is my friend PJ. We, well, I found this envelope in our flat tonight. We were leaving to go and watch your interview at the park when I found it. Someone had slipped it in through the mail slot; it’s labeled with my name. There’s pictures of Liam Collins inside, the third victim of the killer. He’s my... he was my boyfriend.” Dan rambled, stopping when the pressure in his chest became too much to continue.

PJ frowned and looked up at Phil carefully. “After we both looked through the pictures and read the note inside, Dan fainted. He does that sometimes when he’s overwhelmed or moves too quickly. I waited on him to wake up, and then I dragged him here to show Brewer. I was hoping that we’d be taken seriously for once, but Brewer scolded us for pranking him. His deputy called Dan a sick pervert for having photos of Liam like this lying around. They never take us seriously here.”

Phil felt anger bubble up in his chest, and he took a deep breath through his nose to calm down. “May I see the envelope? It could be crucial evidence for the case. And you say they’ve brushed you off before? Was it to do with this case?”

“Yeah. When we were nineteen, Liam PJ and I were at the opening night of the town’s Halloween festival. We were waiting in line for the haunted house when another man came up to us and started a conversation. He was wearing this really detailed plague doctor outfit, with leather gloves and some kind of heavy white baton with a big black diamond on the end of it. Maybe it was a cane? He was asking if we knew about the new gay club that had opened up a couple towns away. I said yeah, but it wasn’t really my thing. I had heard that it was a kinky place, and at that time I wasn’t even out of the closet, so I wanted nothing to do with it.” Dan rambled, taking PJ’s hand in his as he recalled that night.

Phil wrote everything that Dan was saying in his notebook quickly. “Anything else? I’m taking on the case as if nothing has been done previously since it seems that nothing really was.”

Dan nodded, his curls bobbing slightly at his movement. “We thought it was weird, but weird and Halloween go hand in hand, you know? When the guy left us alone, we forgot about it. It wasn’t until around midnight when I was leaving the bathrooms near the trails of the park that I saw him again. I was alone this time, and he stopped me. He told me that he had never seen eyes as beautiful as mine, and I said thank you but told him I wasn’t interested. He apologized profusely and told me to have a good night. When he went to walk away, I noticed under the streetlamp that there was blood on his leather gloves. It was barely noticeable, but it was there. There was even more blood on the crystal part of his baton, dripping down to the white base of it. At first, I thought it was a part of his costume that we hadn’t noticed earlier, until the next morning, when Dillion Hilton’s body was found on the trail closest to the bathrooms.”

Phil froze in the middle of his writing to look at Dan curiously. “So you went to the police with this information, and they ignored you?”

PJ nodded along with Dan, “I went with him as support; he was terrified to go anywhere alone at this point. They didn’t write it down or anything; they just told us that it was a Halloween festival and that the blood was clearly a part of the costume. Brewer told Dan not to waste his time.”

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “They’re fucking usless. Sorry for the language, lads; I’ve just never worked with such a careless police force.”

Dan giggled a bit at Phil’s little outburst and shrugged, “Trust me, I’ve said worse.”

The detective couldn’t help but smile at the giggle, the sound relaxing his shoulders just a bit. He carefully reached into the envelope, studying the pictures closely. It always struck him as painful to look at someone be so alive in photos, all while knowing that they’re dead and gone. The man in the photos, Liam, didn’t seem truly frightened in the pictures; it seemed like he was enjoying himself. Phil’s heart broke for Dan momentarily before something clicked in his mind.

“So Dan, you said that the masked man was asking about a gay club a few towns away, right?” Phil asked softly, looking into Dan’s eyes. He hated the hurt that he saw there.

Dan nodded and dabbed at his eyes with a tissue. “Yeah. It’s a fetish club; it’s called The Raven’s Roost. They have a website; I can give it to you if you need it.”

Phil chuckled, "It seems like you’ve done some investigating yourself. That’s-”

“Stupid, dangerous, a waste of time? I’ve heard it all before.” Dan whispered, pulling up the website on his phone to allow Phil to write it down.

The detective cleared his throat and wrote the website name down in his journal. “I was actually going to say impressive. It is dangerous, but it seems like this criminal has a bit of humanity towards you. Otherwise, I think you would’ve already been a victim of his.”

Dan shuddered at the thought and watched as detective Lester read through the letter, making occasional notes in his journal. PJ looked at Dan and offered a supportive smile, squeezing his best friend’s hand gently. It felt strange to actually be taken seriously; he could only imagine just how good his friend felt.

“Dan, PJ, I know this might be a little uncomfortable for the both of you, but could you possibly take me to Liam’s grave? In the letter, the killer says that he’s seen you there. I want to see if there’s a specific spot that he could be watching you from.” Phil explained, writing a note to himself before closing his journal and latching it.

PJ looked at Dan silently before they both nodded in agreement. Dan stood up and shivered, having refused to put on a coat when PJ was rushing him out of their flat. Wordlessly, detective Lester slid his thick, navy blue trench coat off of his shoulders and offered it to Dan. Despite his best efforts to act unaffected by the act of kindness, the brunette felt his cheeks heat up as he slid his arms into the sleeves.

“Thank you, detective Lester.” He mumbled, letting the slightly too long sleeves cover his hands.

Phil smiled, “My pleasure, dear, and just Phil is fine. Now lead the way; it might seem impossible for me to get lost in such a small town, but I would find a way.” He joked with a soft chuckle.

PJ watched Dan carefully, feeling his heart swell. For so long, it felt like it was he and Dan against the world. His best friend had a hard time letting people in and an even harder time letting them stay. After Liam was killed, Dan had decided that he was bad luck and that it was somehow his fault that Liam was killed. Dan had even tried to push PJ away, but no matter what he did, how much he acted out, PJ stayed. It was nice to see Dan open up and show his feelings with someone new, even if it was just with a detective.

The graveyard that was attached to the local church grounds was just a street away, so the walk didn’t take long at all. It was only just past eight in the evening, but the streets were completely empty. Phil felt a surge of pride knowing that the curfew in place seemed to be working. He pushed his black fringe out of his eyes as he followed Dan and PJ down a row of graves, stopping beside them in front of one.

“This is it.” Dan whispered, looking only at his feet.

Phil nodded thoughtfully and looked around carefully. The graveyard was old but well kept all the same. The gravestones were neatly polished and decorated with flowers and wreaths. Liam’s grave was nearly glistening underneath the glow of the streetlamps, a beautiful autumnal wreath positioned on a metal easel just to the left of it. The entire gravesite felt overwhelmingly warm and loved to Phil; it sent a calming surge down his spine.

He pulled out a small camera from his briefcase and turned on the flash, taking a few photos of the areas around them, focusing heavily on the church building. The church was quite small and worn down from the years that it stood, but it was surrounded by beautiful red and orange marigolds that seemed to give it new life. Phil looked up and down the building, pausing at the old bell tower and snapping a few photos.

“Is it possible to access the belltower?” He asked, looking over to the men who were standing starkly still beside him.

PJ nodded. “Yeah, they just recently reinforced the flooring and redid the staircase. A little over a year ago, I think.”

Phil hummed and looked over to Dan, who seemed lost in thought. He debated on interrupting whatever had Dan thinking so hard, but thought better of it. PJ had said earlier that Dan was prone to fainting, and Phil didn’t want to be the cause of that. The detective took a few more photos before turning his attention to the other men once again.

“Alright, one more thing. I would like to walk you both home, one for safety but also to get a look at your front door. Do you have a doorbell camera or anything like it?” Phil asked, putting his camera away carefully.

Dan shook his head, “No, we don’t. But you can take a look at the door or whatever you need.”

Phil cocked his head to one side curiously. “You just lied to me, Dan, why?” He asked softly.

The younger man froze and looked at PJ with desperate eyes, silently begging him to answer.

PJ sighed and shuffled on his feet. “We have a hidden camera in the lightbulb cover of our outdoor light. He lied because outdoor cameras aren’t allowed in residential homes in Brackenwood. Something about it invading the privacy of neighbors.”

Phil arched his eyebrow. “This town is a bit backwards. Alright, let’s head out.”

PJ all but ran out of the cemetery, feeling on edge. The graveyard freaked him out even on a bright summer day, so being in it on a dark and cloudy night wasn’t the best feeling. He heaved a sigh and stood beneath a large streetlamp, waiting patiently for Dan and Phil.

“Phil? How did you know I was lying?” Dan asked quietly, following PJ at a slower pace.

Phil smiled calmly, “I’m trained to see through lies; it’s easy sometimes, but other times it’s impossible. I could tell you were lying because you became unsure of yourself. You’ve been honest with me all night, completely confident, but a simple question made you doubt yourself.”

Dan sighed and shook his head. “I always thought that I was a good liar.”

The detective hummed and looked at Dan with curious eyes. “Do you lie a lot?”

“Nearly everyday.” The brunette admitted in a whisper.

“What about?” Phil asked just as quietly.

Dan chuckled humorlessly, “People ask me if I’m okay a lot. I think that if I say that I’m fine often enough, I’ll eventually convince myself too.”

Phil paused his steps for a moment, taking in what was just confessed to him. He had dealt with many people who were struggling in some way or another. Hell, he had talked a few people down from bridges that they planned to jump off of; he had talked a shooter out of killing a group of innocent children. He had even talked a serial rapist into turning himself in. His voice was his greatest weapon, his strongest feature. Yet, in that moment, he was completely speechless.

“You coming, Phil?” PJ called softly from the lamppost, bringing the young detective out of his stupor.

Phil cleared his throat, “Yeah, sorry. I got lost in thought. It’s a bad habit.”

Dan and PJ walked a bit ahead of Phil, not really talking but just keeping close to each other. Despite only having met them an hour prior, Phil couldn’t help but be thankful that they had each other. It was like the men in front of him completed each other in some way. When Dan couldn’t finish his thought, PJ would always step in. When PJ was thinking too hard, it was like Dan realized before anyone else and helped ground him. They had supported each other all these years while this murderer was on the loose. When the people that they should be able to trust proved to be unhelpful, they still had each other. Phil felt himself smile at the friends in front of him, feeling for a moment that he was a part of their lives.

“Home sweet home.” Dan joked when he and PJ stopped in front of a red painted door with a gold 111 plaque attached to it.

Phil chuckled at Dan as he observed the door quietly, “An angel number.” He remarked quietly, seeing PJ jump up excitedly.

“See! It’s not just me, Howell; lots of people believe in angel numbers.” PJ nearly yelled before unlocking the door.

The detective laughed softly to himself as the two men in front of him bickered about the truth of angel numbers and the idea of fate. While they argued, Phil got onto his knees to take a few pictures of the mail slot on the door, easily spotting a few black threads caught in the edge of the slot. Phil quickly pulled out some gloves and a clean pair of tweezers before plucking them out and putting them into a small bag.

“May I see the footage from your camera?” Phil asked calmly, spotting the hidden camera in the light cover with practiced ease, “Where did you guys get that camera set up? I haven’t seen that design before.”

Dan invited Phil inside before closing the door and locking it, being sure to lock it with the chain as well. “Oh, we didn’t. Well, we got the camera, but PJ actually built the lampshade cover around it. It’s all his design.”

Phil smiled. “That’s actually really impressive. What do you do for work, PJ?”

PJ blushed at the compliment and shrugged, “I think it’s fun, honestly. I’m a journalist; we both are.”

The detective nodded, thanking Dan quietly when he brought his laptop over with the video feed saved on it. “I think you might be in the wrong line of work, PJ.” Phil teased as he scrolled through the video tentatively.

Dan nodded in agreement and sent PJ a smile. “I’ve been telling him that for years.”

PJ rolled his eyes dramatically and sat down on the couch beside Dan. “You can sit down too, Phil. Just pull the coffee table up.”

Phil hummed in thanks and sat on the other side of Dan, scrolling through the video footage slowly, being sure not to miss anything. At the timestamp of 5:12pm, a figure walked up the steps of the porch, and Phil felt a weight in his stomach. The person was wearing black leather gloves and a leather witch doctor mask.

“Dan, is this what the mask looked like?” Phil asked softly, turning the laptop to Dan and PJ.

Beside him, Dan stiffened, “Yeah, exactly like the guy was wearing.” He whispered, as if he were afraid the masked man would hear him.

Phil nodded slowly and scrolled through the video some more, pausing it quickly when he saw patches on the leather jacket that the masked man was wearing. He pulled out his camera and took a few pictures. Each patch was in the shape of diamonds, red and purple in color. The patches clearly had some kind of design on them, but Phil wasn’t able to get a clear look at them just yet.

“Does anyone else know about the plague doctor mask? Besides the police?” Phil asked calmly, not looking away from the video.

Both Dan and PJ shook their heads. “Not that I know of. After the reaction from the cops, I felt stupid for thinking it was serious. I was too embarrassed to talk about it.” Dan explained quietly.

The detective nodded again, “This guy is careful. He’s got a mask underneath the witch doctor mask to cover his neck. Maybe he has recognizable tattoos.” Phil mumbled to himself.

“You can email the video file to yourself if you want.” PJ offered quietly, leaning over Dan to see the paused video frame. Seeing the mask again made him uncomfortable; it reminded him just how much had happened since that night six years ago.

Phil smiled thankfully before sending the video to himself quickly. “I think that this will help the investigation a lot. Now I have a better idea of what kind of person we’re looking for.”

Dan looked at Phil with tired eyes and red cheeks. “Do you think you’re only looking for one person? I’ve always thought there was more than one.”

“I don’t know for sure. Why? Do you think there’s more than one killer?” The detective asked curiously, closing the laptop gently.

The brunette took a shaky breath and said. “I don’t really think there’s more than one killer, but I think that the actual killer has someone to help them clean up or move the body. The bodies are never found bloody; they’ve always been cleaned up. Did Brewer not tell you that? They’re always found shirtless, cleaned up, on their backs with their arms crossed over their chests.”

Phil frowned a bit at the new information. He would have to ask Brewer for crimescene photos when they spoke again, as the pictures hadn’t been released to the public. The detective’s blood went cold for a moment. “How do you know that, Dan?”

“I have a... friend who’s close with Brewer. I can give you his name, but please don’t tell Brewer. I get a lot of information from him; that’s why I always know stuff before the other journalists.” Dan rambled, chewing his chapped lips anxiously.

Phil forced back the small sigh of relief that threatened to fall from his lungs. Though he still had to write both Dan and PJ down as possible suspects, he now had reason to write it off as only speculation. He pulled out his journal and looked at Dan expectantly.

“His name is Aaron Brewer. He’s chief Brewer’s son.” Dan explained quietly, looking at his lap.

The detective raised his eyebrows curiously. So, Brewer’s own son was telling journalists information behind his father’s back. Information that should have stayed only between that of the police force. In that moment, it clicked in Phil’s mind who the mystery blogger was that Brewer had been grumbling about. Dan and PJ were smart in their conquest for justice, but now he was in the middle of it. If they had anything to do with the murders, he would find out easily.

“Thank you both for your help. I need to get back to my hotel room and start going through the evidence that you guys have given me. Here’s my card, one for both of you. Don’t hesitate to call me if anything happens or if you think of anything else that could be helpful. I’ll be stopping by to check on you both sometime soon, so please text me tonight and I’ll save your numbers.” Phil explained eagerly before standing up and stretching his arms over his head.

PJ nodded and stood as well. “Thank you for taking us seriously. You’ve given us hope for the first time in way too fucking long. Especially Dan.” He added in a whisper.

“Thank you, Phil.” Dan smiled, “Oh, your coat.” He realized, quickly standing to take it off.

Phil chuckled, “Keep it for now; I’ll see you again soon and take it then. Besides, it looks cuter on you. Goodnight, lads, lock the door behind me, please.” He added before waving and walking out of the front door.

PJ quickly ran to the door and locked it before looking at a still blushing Dan. “He’s kinda cute, eh?” He teased.

Dan stammered and looked away from his friend, “Shut up! You’re not even into men.”

“Oi! I’m not into dogs, but I can say that they’re cute!” PJ argued with a laugh.

Dan groaned loudly and stood up, “You didn’t have to say it like that!” He argued before storming off to his room, leaving a laughing PJ alone in the lounge.

#phan #phandom #amazingphil #dan and phil #dip and pip #phanfiction #dan howell #phan fic #phan au #the Brackenwood murders #detective au

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goldenpinof · 1 year ago

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why? bc i was thinking about what i watch and what i'd like to see from dan, basically what you said to the previous anon. in late 2018 (at the end of the dan and phil era coincidentally) my taste shifted a lot from mostly comedy and vloggers to video essays and comentary so personally i'd love to see something like that from dan, but i have no idea what dan wants to do. what do you think he wants to do? what's something he'll find fulfilling and sustainable?

i'm going insane reading all these asks about what's next for dan's career. i lobe him i want him to succeed, i want him to get attention and i want to be entertained by him <3

me 🤝 you

sustainable? this is UNSUSTAINABLE!! (sorry, the last promo got in the eyes).

i think he wants (or wanted before wad) to get into stand-up comedy. at some point he proclaimed himself a comedian and started acting like one. unsuccessfully, in my opinion. he is a bad actor, but he is good at exaggerating his feelings. and this is why wad show worked for those who were familiar with Dan, his content, his internet personality and the phandom. i think he loves attention from real life audience, and he loves connecting to the audience while being on stage, so audience participation is an important part of what he wants. (let's count how many times i say "audience"). a not-so-strict script that allows to ask questions, react to answers, comment on people's reactions, make faces, laugh randomly, adjust the show to what is happening on stage – that's a stand-up show that hundreds of people are doing. and i think Dan would be very fucking good at it. the problem is the theme of said stand-up. and i think Dan would love for it to not rely on youtube as heavily as it did during wad (which wasn't an actual stand-up comedy).

remember the last vidcon he attended and the panel that felt like a Ted Talk? it was a fail, i'd say. partly because the audience was too diverse in a sense that phannies weren't the majority. and i'm glad he didn't push this type of career path. wad was so much better, but it was also targeted at the people who already knew him. even if in the beginning i think he was trying to get a wider audience, the lack of funding or enthusiasm promo-wise made it impossible for the "outsiders" to make the experience strange for everyone, Dan including. wad happened to be for us. but was it successful or fulfilling, or sustainable? no. not in a money / audience growth / similar future tours ways. there should be done a lot of changes. and i guess completely changing his management was the 1st and very important step. it was fulfilling in a way that he met us, he saw what his coming out did and what an incredible impact he had on us (not to mention that ii was almost the same. a bunch of gays gathered together).

he clearly wants something bigger than we aka phandom can give him. and for that he must change the theme or/and concept of his shows. i do think that he will try to do a performance again. and i hope it's gonna be less acting and more improvisation.

i'm not sure about a filmed show. he sucks as an actor, and i don't want him to fail :( but if Joey Graceffa successfully put out Escape the Night and Liza Koshy had a series that didn't require more acting than her own skits, maybe something similar could be alright?! "danisnotokay" is an outdated title though. we need to change it, he is not 25 anymore, come on.

basically, he loves attention, complaining about his life, trauma dumping, edgy jokes, screaming, laughing, sex jokes, feeling liked, loved and wanted. he fucking beams when people applaud him. and for that he needs audience. he could get all of it minus an applause with a podcast or livestreams, but he is a stubborn asshole, so i do hope to see him on stage again. preferably a smaller one and with new topics to discuss.

#you didn't ask so it's here #i would love to see commentary from him on topics that he cares about and knows #even if i don't care are the topic #like swell entertainment does. she talks about things i don't know or care. but it's done so good. informative. fun and well.. entertaining #that i just click on the video anyway. even if it's about a brand that makes square food. i don't give a fuck about the brand but i watch.#and dan's liveshows makes me think that he would be very good at presenting what he is interested in in a commentary way #don't touch things you don't know (football for example 🔪) and talk about things you actually familiar with #dan #wad #phandom #answered #imagine phil makes him return to regular joint content when we already collectively buried it 💀#i would laugh for a week

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zombabezzz · 7 months ago

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when i was little

my favorite show was my little pony

my favorite movies was the tinker bell movies

i never went out as kid because my dad never took us out

I grew up in the swapmeet for years

I was only ever a bad kid at home because everyone scared me in at school

i only ever had one friend every year i entered grade and it switch every year

i remember trying to get atleast two boys to like me when i was little kid by trying to smile at them a lot

i remember the first time my best friend from pre-k made me wanna cry because she didn’t wanna hang out with me and i wanted to cry on the way home from the field trip

i remember the first time i was told i was ugly in front of a mirror

i remember all the sketchbook tours i’d watch when i was little that made me wanna start drawing

i had dolls and was a jealous kid bad kid

i threw tantrums all the time

i remember drawing sad faces on the closest wall that you can still see today when my mom locked me in there after having enough

i remember peeing my mattress when i used to sleep in the closet

i remember meeting browine for the first time and screaming its a puppy

i remember when Brownie was barking at the remote because he thought it was moving by itself he was so little

i remember watching the telenovelas with my parents in the room

i remember going trick or treating and going to the halloween parade at school

i remember every time a teacher had made cry

i remember the first time i ever hit a girl because she kept being mean to me, constantly telling me i wasn’t funny or pretty telling me i was fat and taking it for awhile until i had enough, i think she might of liked me

i remember both of us crying and going to the restroom and me saying sorry so much

i remember every time i was humiliated at school

i remember being used to boys thinking i was ugly and never made friends with boys because of that reason

i remember the first time being exposed to sex remember hearing my dad, seeing all the girls on his phone and rarely any photos of me my sisters or my mom, me watching porn on his phone, me being irritated at him anytime i see him comment on one of their posts hating him for this part of him

remembering that phase i had where i blew on his neck and he would blow on mine and my mom telling me to stop becuz it was weird

remember being at tios and watching rapunzel for the first time and eating rainbow sherbet

when i finally became friends with my cousins 4 years ago and bonding over anime

my entire dan and phil phase

my short hair when i was an ugly girl

remembering feeling so hurt when the guy i liked was hugging his gf later to find out years later all he ever wanted was sex from the girls he was seeing

rocky 11 years

my senior back from the pandemic

When me and amy watched sailor moon together

All of my dolls

when i got bombon

when i yelled at Daniela at amy’s birthday party

when i thought I was so funny for acting like my dad when in reality i was a cringey kid

being an ugly girl growing up

first time ever being opened to a guy for him to reject me

when daniel stopped walking and was waiting on me to ask me to go to prom i remember my heart was racing so hard for him to later not even acknowledge me once at prom

prom my whole senior year

my whole 6 year friendship with chloe

All of my little toys

2023 the craziest fucked up best year yet

My Anthony the only man to have ever looked at me past the makeup

my eating disorder

every time i vomited in 2022 because daniel rejected me

When i first smoked a cigarette ever and then started to smoke after every time i made my self throw up

When college first started lost weight like crazy because i was far gone

the day i lost my virginity

When i bled for two days not knowing if i was okay

anytime i went to the doctor being terrified

every time i took a photo of myself in the last two years

My desire for long hair

Always wanting to be thin

that one time i presented my interests to the class in Mr. Sanders home room doing my little hand thing when im nervous

Orientation day at highschool

Not seeing Semajay until 5 years later again in SMC

My tiger drawings from my first year

Hanging out with someone at the end of semester but broke that tradition since last fall

Seeing Anthony for the first time

Knowing anthony liked me back

pushing him away because i knew how i was like

All our hotels days

Anthony isnt emotionally invested in me

Browine dying

Chloe hating me

school and how i’ve been treating it

money being so hard

What is my value?

I love pink

I love dolls

I love wearing jeans I love wearing basic shoes like adidas nikes and converse i finally want doc martens

I want self help books and learn self respect and love

i want earring jewelry nails bracelets new clothes

I want sentimental meaningful stuff

I wanna made me feel special most important most valued most seen

What if I never feel satisfied

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lavender-phannie · 1 year ago

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I SEE PEOPLE sharing how they got into the dip and pip phandom and I want to participate

I was first and foremost a pinterest girlie. The typical oh my parents won't let me have any form of social media except pinterest oh oh no boy little did they know all the internet shenanigans ends up there it's objectively the best place to "culture" yourself or "acclimatise" for the internet or something

Like, really, it's all content from all the apps compiled for YOU according to the humour YOU like it's amazing

Anyways going off topic .. I have intense FOMO so I obviously started to educate myself on all things internet

One day whilst idly browsing pinterest I happened on pictures of dnp from a tumblr post I don't remember what the post itself was but probably something phan but I didn't know that at the time and I immediately went and checked who they were because I must know and google said they're two British youtubers people ship together and I said okay cool and just left it at that

A month or two later they happened onto my pinterest again and my brain said hey you've had a pretty well curated for you page all things we like so maybe check em out see how it goes probably something we like so I said ok bet and I did and I watched a video of them I think pinof 4 and I was like okay these guys are super random they're funny but I don't get half the things they reference

But then the youtube gods saw my destiny and said this is your fate child and starting recommending it to me all the time

So I gave in and I watched them and they were amazing, healing and wonderful and they really really helped me

Especially like BIG and dans monologue about gender and sexuality really resonated with me cause I didn't really think about this before but I realised I actually agreed with him that gender is baseless but that rant is for another time

And phil, loveliest dearest funniest phil, whenever I was having a hard time he'd been there cheering me up

If you can't tell I joined the phandom in the cursed covid years I was here for the 2022 phivorce which was objectively hilarious

I know this is incredibly long. Longer than necessary but I've typed it all now and words must not be gone to waste so here you are and here we are

Sending best wishes during these trying times (2 weeks since last upload) (they deserve the break) (I'm clawing at the walls of my enclosure)

Anon i am also going insane and clawing at my walls idk how i survived a 5 year hiatus and the insanity of phannies seeing dan's foot in a video and calling it "joint content" (also don't worry about stuff being long i love reading it!!)

Kinda relate with the pinterst thing except for me it was instagram and i followed dnp accounts that posted stuff from other social media i wasnt allowed to have at the time... people underestimate the importance of instagram and pinterest when it comes to getting people into new fandoms hahah (although i was introduced to dnp through friends but you know what i mean right??)

anyway same same about phil being there to cheer me up when im having a rough time... in 2017 i had a huge dip in my mental health and i literally just watched phil's videos every night to get to sleep lol! I wonder if he knows how infectious his positive energy is?

WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS RAMBLE!? anyway yeah throwing my jumble of thoughts at u anon sorry

#dan and phil #asks

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personthattoleratesme · 1 year ago

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heyy, new phannie anon here again, thank you for your nice reply! in return have a probably way too in depth answer to your question! (sorry)

so, my first dnp video was the funeral one, which somehow intrigued me enough to watch the new heartthrob video (i never realised how horrible this word truly is until i typed it out) two days later.

the thing i remember most vividly about watching it is pure and utter confusion.

like, please just watch the first three minutes of that video through the eyes of someone who has never seen these two people interact in their whole life. looking back, it honestly depicts the whole range of their chaos so nicely. being all happy and domestic but immediately venturing into innuendos, the classic "phil says something weird, dan points it out, phil tries to make it better but just makes it much worse", it has dan being sarcastic and badly trying to act as if he's irritated, phil casually doing the most insane shit, the bantering and teasing, all the references to things i had no clue about.

and i was just sitting there like. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with them but they're amazing. i need to undestand them. so i loosely kept an eye on them but at that point i wasn't really interested in watching the halloween gaming or their old videos. about two weeks went by until...

Enter Halloween Baking

this is what really made it click. i was about halfway through the video when i just knew i need them in my life, actually. i don't think i need to explain because how could one even attempt to put the gloriousness of that video into words? and what can i say, after that it's just a descend into the madness of years of content and fandom lore...

you have nothing to apologize for, this was very fun to read. and you will get another long response in return

the funeral one being the very first is so funny to me, like that has to be deeply confusing with zero context. i'm impressed that it intrigued you enough to watch more, it's quite a strange video lol.

i did go and watch the heartthrob video and yeah the first 3 minutes are just so weird and unhinged. that whole sequence is just so them. i do think it's a perfect representation of who they are in this current era. like it's reminiscent of the stereo days except now it's on youtube. i remember being in awe myself of how chaotic and unhinged those first few minutes were, but it was also so comforting because they were clearly having a lot of fun being back on the channel.

it's honestly fair that you didn't watch spooky week. i think a fair share of even the biggest phannies will skip spooky week cause they really don't care for the horror games. personally, i love watching spooky week cause their silliness really takes away from the horror aspect for me, and it just makes it more fun and entertaining rather than scary. but i think that's more about personal preference.

the baking video is honestly a cultural reset. their baking videos have always been excellent, and now with sister daniel and them being out it just makes it 10x better. if anything is gonna make you a phannie it's that video.

i'm impressed that it's basically only been like 2 weeks of being a phannie for you then. how has it been to catch up on all the videos and lore? have you just been binging their channels?

#anon ask #answered

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phanfictioncatalogue · 2 years ago

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First Date Masterlist

As Fate (or a really weird guy named David) Would Have It (ao3) - husbants

Summary: Phil has been stood up. Just as he’s leaving, a frantic (and absolutely handsome) guy rushes in the restaurant, looking for his own first date.

Maybe tonight won’t be as bad as it once seemed it would.

between the bars. (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: Dan is a lonely twenty-something year old not really looking for a connection until he finds one, and it's not in the way he expected, in fact he can't really even remember it.

Or the one where Dan and Phil meet on Tinder.

blind date gone wrong?! (not clickbait!) (ao3) - overmyhead

Summary: When Phil gets stood up at a blind date his colleague Bryony arranged for him, he certainly doesn’t expect the evening to end with a kiss in the pouring rain in front of a load of supermarket bins after almost sneezing his brains out.

Blushes and a Cup of Coffee (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil was expecting one of the stereotypical first questions, ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ Or ‘where were you born?”

Instead, Dan asked, “Do you like coffee?” and Phil couldn’t help the short bark of laughter that he let out at the strange question.

The two idiots and their first date

Clarity (ao3) - thatsmistertoyou

Summary: New glasses. Cute boy. Eye puns.

Coffee Shop Date (ao3) - multifandomer

Summary: Dan and Phil go on their date.

distance makes the heart grow fonder, said by someone stronger than me (ao3) - xoPrincessKayxo

Summary: It's a little hard to go on dates when you're hundreds of miles apart. Luckily, Skype was invented

Double Date (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: Phil finds himself on a double date at a mini golf course near campus, though he is much more interested in the male half of the other couple than anything else. The boys are left alone to explore their fast new friendship and sparks fly. This is a sweet, funny, and romantic tale of love at first sight that will leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.

First Date (ao3) - regionalatbest

Summary: Dan and Phil's first date

(from the wings) i'll be watching (ao3) - moonanonymous

Summary: Phil is the assistant lighting director. Dan is the nutcracker prince. It's going to be a long day.

give this thing a try (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Dan is a cashier at a grocery store, and Phil is his supervisor. One evening at work, Phil surprises Dan by asking him out on a date, and of course Dan, who's had a crush on Phil since forever, says yes. Cue, the freaking out and comfort ensues.

Graveyard (ao3) - Numberonephanboy

Summary: "You're bringing me lunch in a graveyard?"

"Sounded more romantic in my head."

kodachrome daydreams (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: Neon lights, strawberry milkshakes, and Tears For Fears.

Love & Insecurities - placingglaciers

Summary: In which Dan and Phil have been online dating for a while now and are just now meeting for their first date and it’s terrible (according to Phil, that is).

love at first sight (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: the classic blind date trope, featuring a mysterious chihuahua, a crayola keyboard, and an art museum :)

Love Scenario (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: When Phil first saw him in the spring, he thought he looked like bubblegum.

Luckily Cursed (ao3) - TsingaDark

Summary: Sometimes Dan thinks he might be a little bit cursed. He knows that’s bullshit, of course, but still, his bad luck regarding first dates is kind of conspicuous.

megaphone to my chest (ao3) - overjoyedlester

Summary: Phil is convinced that him and Dan are meant to be.

(Now all he has to do is work up the nerve to ask Dan out on a date.)

Midnight Milkshakes (ao3) - thelandofphan

Summary: "Well, this is a different first date," Dan initiated as they began to follow the sodden pathway ahead, "I turned up late, looking like a tramp then we ditched the original plan and now I've stolen your beanie when we've only just met. Sorry." He concluded, sucking his lip nervously, peering towards Phil.

No One Less Than Perfect (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Dan doesn't mind being a single father to his four-year-old Elizabeth, but sometimes he gets lonely. The problem is, he won't settle for anyone who is less than perfect. So maybe, he might just ask Elizabeth's (and maybe his) favorite Daycare worker, Phil on a date.

of blind dates and many mistakes (ao3) - larry_hystereks

Summary: “i walked into this restaurant and you thought i was your blind date and i just kind of went with it because i don’t want to eat alone”

or in which dan is a poor uni student and phil wrongly thinks he's his blind date.

Our First Date, Our Perfect Future - analphancones

Summary: Song fic!to First Date by Blink-182. Phil walks you through his emotions on his first date with Dan, the love he felt for him, how Dan looked, how beautiful he was. How everything about how Dan looked made his heart flutter and his stomach fill with butterflies. Phil walks you through how he felt on their first date, what happened and how he was so in love with Dan it hurt. Then, the end of the fic is present day Phil, much older. How he feels about the first date, how that amazing and awkward first date, led to an amazing future. And how lucky he feels to have Dan be with him still, even after all these years.

only your invention (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Phil doesn't have time for fuckboy Dan so why can't he stop texting him?

Starbucks and Bathrooms (ao3) - Full_Moon_Lover

Summary: Dan and Phil are finally having their first date after their meeting in the plane. Is it going to be just a date, or will they be unable to keep their hands off each other?

In which Phil is starting to think they have a thing for bathrooms.

Tattoo Boy (ao3) - tahliaisnotonfire

Summary: Dan Howell couldn't have been happier than to have met that beautifully tattooed boy on the street by running away from some idiotic bullies.

The Silver Lining (ao3) - croissantbleu

Summary: Phil is a rising actor, gaining popularity. Dan is just a guy with a tailor shop just a few blocks away from Phil's apartment. And Phil was looking for someone to go to for custom suits, but maybe he'll end up with more than he had thought.

three for the price of one - softiejace

Summary: after getting to know each other online, Dan and Phil spend a promising first date until Phil gets a phone call and leaves in a hurry. Dan finds his wallet and decides to drop it off at Phil’s place the next morning, hoping for an explanation. However, he ends up getting a lot more than he bargained for…

to coffee or not to coffee (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: dan doesn't like coffee, phil works in a coffee shop. cue some awful attempts at flirting and some first dates

Sunshine - sodalester

Summary: a grumpy!dan and sunshine!phil fic in which dan totally doesn’t have a crush on phil. not at all

while our blood's still young (ao3) - celestialfics

Summary: In the midst of 1950s America, Phil works at a malt shop that Dan frequents after school. Inevitably as their relationship progresses, the two boys face unrelenting adversity in a world that does not yet see all love as equal.

Won't Even Wish For Snow (ao3) - dandrogynous

Summary: “You've got, um.” Dan reaches over and brushes his gloved hands across Phil’s shoulders, then down his chest. “Like, sorry, snow? It would have melted I guess but then, like, you would have gotten wet, so.” All his smoothness has disappeared and his cheeks have gone pink. Phil can't tell if it's from the cold or from how they're standing nearly on top of each other in the tiny lift.

“Thanks,” he says. His voice is slightly raspy and his body feels very warm where Dan touched him. The lift door opens and they pile out. Dan nods, smiling just enough that his dimple pops as he fumbles in his pocket for his key. He shoves it into the keyhole and rattles the doorknob until it twists and the door falls open.

“Welcome,” he says, gesturing his way into the flat dramatically, “to my humble abode.”

#phanfictioncatalogue #phan #phanfic #phanfiction #masterlists #firstdate #firstdate masterlist #datenight #date

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antiadvil · 7 months ago

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re: #nurse phannies weigh in: would this be enough?

I am American and not a nurse but I am writing a fic based on this premise and I did some googling to try and see how realistic it was!

From NHS websites and what people said online, in the UK you can visit anyone in the hospital as long as they're willing to be visited by you. This matches up with my experience with American hospitals. I was able to visit my grandfather in the ICU by just buzzing in and saying who I wanted to visit (though I think they may have only allowed two visitors at a time- either that or my mom and grandmother just left me to watch our bags for a while, I don't remember, lol). When he was out of the ICU we kind of just. Walked up to his room, lol, no one stopped us. Then, when I was in the ER, no one had any problems with my dad being there and when he left to get food for me he had no problems getting back in. No one really checked with me first, but I think the people at the desks might have recognized that he came in with me. When I was hospitalized, I did not have any visitors, so I'm not sure what the exact process was, but there was no restriction on visitors being family, the only restriction was that no one could visit outside of visiting hours. Since Phil said that the hospital Dan went to doesn't allow friends or family to visit, I'm guessing they have a blanket rule about no visitors (maybe only for A&E, or it's a covid era policy, or something like that, it seems odd to me that they wouldn't allow visitors at all, but I have no personal experience with the NHS).

One complication is if someone is unable to speak for themselves, their next of kin is supposed to make decisions on who's allowed to visit them, and I was able to find some questions on the legal advice UK subreddit where people had run into a next of kin who was blocking them from visiting a relative, so that does seem to happen sometimes.

You can name whoever you want to be your next of kin, it doesn't need to be someone you're legally related to, and according to the internet, in the UK the NHS will ask who you want to be your next of kin when you're admitted to the hospital.

If someone is unable to name their next of kin because they're unconscious/etc, that's when not being legally married could ding you. So this is the route I chose for my fic (sorry Dan).

I'm not sure if a hospital would be able to take into account a long term relationship or if they would have to look for parents/siblings for the next of kin. My fic takes place in 2018, so Phil is unable to reveal their relationship anyways.

convinced dan and phil got engaged just for the purpose of being allowed in the hospital with each other

#lou is loud #writing updates #not really an update but I'll tag it for anyone looking through my tags #this is all just me googling so it could be wrong just a disclaimer #hospital fic

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hacked-by-jake · 3 years ago

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How do you think Jake would react if Phil is released and for some reason joins the group and blatantly flirts with the MC? I see him a lot cutting Phil's words whenever he can, and making MC's attention be directed at him (Jake) asking questions or even calling in private with some excuse just to keep her away from Phil 🤭🤣

Ahhh!! YES! *-*

I can imagine that very well.😍 I also think that Jake will probably often say that we have more important things to do and that it’s a matter of life and death just to stop him from flirting with MC. (Even if it really is a matter of life and death)

If I see the whole thing realistically, the chances that Phil actually comes into the group chat are very high. Meanwhile we disclose all results of our investigation for the group. And so probably everyone wants to know firsthand, through Phil himself, what he has to say.

And I really think that Jake will be pretty annoyed and maybe very snappy, but who can blame him? Phil flirts with us, although Jake likes us. 🤭

I wouldn’t like it either (Jessy? Cleo? Hannah? (sorry) Watch what you’re doing!) 😂

Also, we have to remember that Phil was really very disrespectful about Hannah, Jake’s half-sister. This does not really contribute to a high sympathy Leven.

Buuut!

Think about who else would contribute to a fight between Phil and Jake? Exactly! Our dear Dan. 😏

Dan’s already joking about our connection to Jake. If Phil joins the groupchat and Phil flirts with us, Dan would see this as a perfect template to annoy Jake, and I would enjoy it so much!

And I think Phil would fast realize that Jake is jealous (if he shows it) That would probably provoke Phil too and I can well imagine that the two really try to be better than the other one. Hehe.

Jake would probably talk to us about it in the meantime or afterwards, and it would probably be incredibly sweet! *-* <3

Jake is a little bit arrogant at the beginning of the game, I feel, and I think that could happen again. After all, he’s a really good hacker. 😉

I can even imagine that we have to point out to him that Jake needs to be careful and is still being followed.

Omg we need Phillip Hawkins in the group chat! Very urgent!!

#duskwood anon ask #duskwood episode 9 #duskwood jake #duskwood phil #duskwood hacker #duskwood jake vs phil #duskwood theories #duskwood thoughts #duskwood game #everbyte studios #everbyte duskwood #hbj dw answers

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qnfarc · 3 years ago

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Hello hello ^•^ How're you doing? I hope well and not too busy! Do you have any exams approaching? Sorry if you already said, I'm just wondering because this is the time I'd be sitting them if I was in college rn 😭 dodged a bullet fr this year but if you have them I wish you all the best with them!!

I actually finished breaking bad last night and after watching Quackitys upload I wanted to ask how did Hank from breaking bad and gnf get along so well 😭 Nothing in the world could've prepared me for the dynamic duo gn. I won't say too much in case you're holding out on watching but there was a period where three of them were huddled around, each somehow in a variation of a walter white skin and it got me so bad. The actor himself also tweeted after saying how it was a funny edit, so true and real king. I found it entertaining although bbh was definitely more on the sidelines, I'm not too surprised considering Qnfs shared love of the show. I also got round to signing up to Dracula Daily (and caught up on the earlier letters) and I was wondering if you were also? :D I've never read Dracula in my life but doing it day by day is a really fun way to go about it plus putting the times in perspective 🥵 chefs kiss, maybe this will be the push I need to read more classics (maybe just read more fullstop). Also also were you ever a Dan and Phil fan? I checked in on Dan's channel the weekend when he uploaded his comeback? Maybe? Vid but didn't get too far. I did however, go to Phil's channel and found out that they still have real old (vintage 😍) d+p merch for sale from like 2016 which was wild to me. Honestly I thought they would've sold like hot potatoes back in the day but relooking at the store (literally all on sale for 1 pound) and I can see why it didn't sell. The design was far more lazier than I remember and comparing Gmfs merch for instance there is a wild increase in quality. Although price goes up with it too it is nice to see the standard rising. That being said I've yet to buy and YouTubers merch and I don't think I honestly ever will at this point because not many YouTubers have me checking for uploads these days. This really is ramblings but I hope you've been having a good day / week, also very final note have you been watching Spy Family? I started it the weekend for fun and it is very much the fake dating au of dreams although I wish the focus was more on that side of things. Ok that's it fr this time 😭 no rush on reply legend enjoy ur week!!!

Hello hello sunshine ^_^ Yeah, a little busier right now, most of my exams will probably be in June so yeah, around now it's a lot of finishing projects, presentations, papers and trying to study with mixed results 😐 Very happy you don't have to deal with that this year! Watching qnf just interact is always fun and tbh I'm not surprised George got along well cause he is the type of getting to know someone or hanging out with new people, he is after all most likely to be on the teams with people playing mcc for the first time which always just makes me appreciate his easy-going personality so much more. Definitely have to get around on watching Breaking Bad, at the very least to enjoy that video more, it's entertaining in itself but all the inside jokes and references definitely were flying over my head lmao I wasn't but after seeing references and memes and now you mentioning it I went and signed up, call that peer pressure but fun type :D I also definitely want to read more classics, same with poetry... in general sometimes I feel like there is so much to enjoy, do, watch, read, learn and so little time but that's uhh let's put that small existential crisis back in a box under a lock were it belongs 😌 Recently I got great quote from Sylvia Plath on my dash that expressed this feeling very well and in general I feel like her quotes are just... if no one gets me I know Sylvia Plath gets me type, I actually have bought one of her books, The Bell Jar and it's waiting on my shelf for hopefully summer time after exams (same with literature analysis book sadly). Last book I read was SVSSS don't know if you heard about it? It's Chinese danmei novel. Protagonist is very fun, I usually get *chasing after them with a blanket and hot chocolate and getting them into hurt/comfort fics cause 👌🏻* vibes but he just makes me feel like he should be made fun of (lovingly) and if someone needs blatant example of unreliable narrator I'm slamming that book on their table hahah In general very enjoyable book you can enjoy just reading but definitely has layers and deeper themes you can get into if you want! It's one of mxtx works, if you would hear about one I feel it probably would be mdzs? And I actually never watched Dan and Phil, I think I watched Dan's coming out video and planned to watch hia new one cause I really enjoyed his video style and sharing his perspective. I heard there is definitely a pattern of people who did watch their videos and then started watching dream team which actually is kinda interesting how that works. And yeah, definitely working as youtuber and /or streamer became much more widespread which definitely results in rising expectations and quality of merch and in general. And same, I don't own any, I think like the only ones that made me go hmmm maybe was one of George's merch hoodies (some milestone one I think) but I don't remember which one and hoddies Quackity was selling with that limited Las Nevadas merch drop but having to multiply price cause of currency exchange and not even adding shipment I was like actually I'm fine, thanks 😭 But I definitely like how recently the merch George puts out has some fun inside jokes, like that one for 9 mil(?) with a cat, just makes it more fun. And don't worry about ramblings for real, they make me happy :D I didn't but with how much popularity it's getting I definitely will although with my binging tendencies I prefer to wait till whole season is out (if it actually already is I'm sitting down and watching the whole thing). Hope you are going to have nice weekend, get some deserved rest!

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zerodaryls · 1 year ago

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@desertthorn @chiosblog y'all both tagged me lol,, thanks!!! <3

alas i cannot Toto my way through this one because they don't got no Z songs 😔 inconsiderate of them tbh

Z - Zanzibar by Billy Joel (i know this song but i literally had to resort to google to find a Z song because nothing was coming up in my brain lol)

E - Entertaining Angels by Newsboys (i grew up with this song and it's still one of my favorites tbh even tho i'm not a christian anymore like it's so fucking good and isn't preachy or anything. you know back in the 90s and early 00s when christians actually made decent music and it wasn't just fuckin worship music 24/7 lmao. also phil joel with his long blonde hair?? forever giving me gender envy.)

R - Rooms On Fire by Stevie Nicks (aka THE MOST UNDERRATED STEVIE NICKS SONG literally WHY doesn't the entire world know this song. flash warning for the video tho. holy fuck she's so gorgeous but like i can't be attracted to her because i want her to adopt me. she's MOMMY but in a totally boring, nonsexual way lmao.)

O - One Dance by Dan Bern (i mean, it's the main track from the movie my url is based on, so. i HAD to. plus it's just. vibes.)

D - The Downeaster Alexa by Billy Joel (literally one of the best songs ever written fight me fight me fight me,, does any other song make you literally feel like you're on the ocean trying to catch enough fish to provide for your family?? i swear every time i hear it i'm transported to this song character's world and i literally wanna cry from the angst. it's so fucking good. also these are some of billy's best vocals. they blow me away every time. YA YA YAAAAA YO)

A - Are We Dancing? by John Davidson and Leslie Ann Warren (why?? idk i was going through my music collection and this stood out because i remember loving it as a kid, i always found it so soothing. sometimes i'll put it on for comfort even tho it's just a cheesy romance song from a 1960s disney movie that i barely even remember ever watching lmao)

R - Rich Girl by Daryl Hall & John Oates (aka the song i would put on as a kid when i wanted an excuse to curse and be able to say IT'S IN THE SONG MOM I'M JUST SINGING THE SONG!!!! "it's a BITCH, girl")

Y - Y Bardd O Montreal gan Breichiau Hir (this is a cover and normally i'm loyal to original versions of art lol but i really like the screamy bits in this one. my Welsh isn't good enough to understand everything they're saying but holy hell i sure do be head bangin' anyways lmao)

L - Left & Right in the Dark by Julian Casablancas (honestly thanks for tagging me in this because it made me remember how much i FUCKING LOVE THIS ENTIRE ALBUM,, i only know like 2 songs by The Strokes, but i love a handful of his solo stuff,, honorable mention: 11th Dimension - 'we're so quick to point out our own flaws in others,, complicated mammals on the wings of robots' is SUCH a lyric. also side note he gives me so much gender envy holy shit)

S - Static Box gan Sywel Nyw feat. Gwilym (another Welsh song because hoLY FUCK THIS SONG IS SO CATCHY it makes me go all autism flappy hands)

.....sorry, that got away from me. it's been like an hour and i've just been sat here going through my own music collection and rambling lmaoooo rip.

anyway thanks for the tag, y'all!

tagging anyone else who wants to do this,, say i tagged you so i can see y'alls music tastes.

Rules: pick a song for each letter of your URL and tag that many people.

i- I was all over her by salvia palth

n- no surprises by radiohead

a- a night to remember by beabadoobee and laufey

s- sunsetz by cigarettes after sex

t- there is a light that never goes out by the smiths

a- all I think about now by pixies

t- the blonde by TV girl

e- everything by the black skirts

o- one beer by MF DOOM

f- first love/late spring by mitski

c- cigarettes out the window by TV girl

r- rises the moon by liana flores

i- infrunami by steve lacey

s- see you again by tyler the creator and kali uchis

i- i can't handle change by roar

s- show me how by men I trust

(do I know 16 people??)

@rohza-is-a-bit-gay @rainnism @titan-god-helios @frogofalltime @etherealspacejelly @tiredlyvelociraptoring @chaotic-beannn @us-costco-official @chaoticrsstuff @werewolfenthusiast @person4924 @indecisivebitch3000 @ionlylook @transgirlsgetswords @asherwentinsanelol + anyone else whod like to join

#also prev 'soft universe' is SUCH a good song <3 i love aurora #she heals my soul every time #like when i'm having a shit day she's one of my go-tos #she'll turn my wholeass spirit around in less than an hour #long post #tag game

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zmayadw · 4 years ago

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'Morning to all!

A bussy weekend is in front of me, so I'll post the next part of the story now :)

Wish you all a great weekend! :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 22

Mayas POV

I barely managed to get any sleep. I woke up every little, checking if Jake was breathing. I was terrified seeing him yesterday, but also relieved when they finaly got back. I got out of bed, glancing once more at him before i closed the door, heading for the kitchen. Jessy was already there, with fresh coffee just about done. „'Morning.“ I said to her, both of us sharing the same sleepless face. I sat down, Jessy joining me after a minute, handing me a cup. „Is Dan ok?“ i asked, guilt for what happened crawling at me. „He will be.“ She started, and chuckled a bit „I think his pride got more hurt then him actually.“ I smiled at it a bit. „I'm sorry, Jessy.“ She looked at me „What for?“ „For all of this.“ I said and sighed „What if something happened to Dan again? I mean, worse then it did yesterday. Things just got somewhat normal for you, and now i've pulled you back again in some weird shit.“ Jessy took my hand, squeezing it hard „Hey, we both told you before, we're here for you. And not just for the good part.“ „I know, Jessy, but i dont want for anything to happen to any of you, i could never forgive myself for it.“ Just the tought of something happeneing to her, or Dan, ached me. She smiled at me „We're in this together, and there's nothing you can say or do that will make us change our minds.“ „You can say that again!“ Dans voice came from the door, and we both turned to him. „And, besides“ he said, taking a cup from the cupboard and filling it with coffee „Your man would be lost without me.“ He turned to us, grinning. I laughed „You are starting to like him more and more, aren't you?“ Dan sat down and looked all serious at me „I will neither confirm nor deny this!“ Jessy and me laughed at it, Dan winking at me with a grin. „Thank you, both of you, for everything.“ Jessy smiled at me, and Dan said „All right, all right, its too early for that wooshy mooshy stuff.“ He got up, going to the fridge, opening it and rubbing his hands together „Its time for Dans special eggs breakfast.“ I looked at Jessy, rising my eyebrow „Do i dare to eat that?“ She laughed „Dont worry, it's actually good.“

Dans cooking skills wer pretty good, he made us a great breakfast, I had no idea i was that hungry. I helped Jessy clear the table after we finished, refilling my coffee cup before sitting down again. „Dan, what happened yesterday?“ i asked. He looked at me a bit uneased „Shouldnt we wait for Jake to join us for this?“ „Please, Dan, who knows how long he will be asleep. I just need to know.“ Jessy looked at him, squeezing his hand „I'm sure Jake wont mind.“ She was as much impatient as me to find out. Dan switched glances between the two of us, sighing desperatly „All righ, fine. But just for the record, if he asks, you two better stand up for me.“ We both just nooded at him. „Ok.“ he said, taking a deep breath before he started telling us about last night.

„What the hell is going on here?“ Jessy said, confusion all over her face. I was as much confused as her, but i was more concerned about the pictures part. Just the thought of someone watching me, following me arround, sent chills down my spine. What was happening here? What was this all about? Was this related to the prior events, or was this something completely different? There wer so manny questions in my head, but no answers to any of it. „You all right there, Maya?“ Dan asked, looking worryingly at me. „Im fine“ i said. „I mean, im not fine, this is all getting freaking confusing more and more!“ Both of them wer looking at me intensly now. „But dont worry, i'm not gonna loose it.“ I looked at Dan „Did Jake say anything more to you about the laptop?“ „No, nothing, so you will just have to wait for him to tell you more.“

Jakes POV

My eyes opened and It took me a moment to remember what happened and to realize where i was. My head was still hurting, but compared to yesterday this was a relief. I got in sitting position, no clue what time it was, the curtains wer drawn over the window. I took the glass that was next to bed and some more painkillers, drinking it before i got up and dressed. I left the room heading for the kitchen. The moment i saw the grim faces of Jessy and Maya i knew. „So, you told them.“ I said to Dan as i entered the kitchen. „Sorry, man, they begged me.“ He told me, as i sat down next to Maya. She leaned to me, giving me a soft kiss „Dont be mad that we didnt wait for you, i just needed to know.“ „Its fine.“ I said smiling at her. „Want some coffee?“ Jessy asked, and i nodded. „How you feeling?“ Maya asked. „Better. My head still hurts, but at least the dizziness is gone.“ „Good.“ She said, but worry was still present all over her face.“Was there anything useful on that laptop, by the way?“ Jessy asked, handing me the cup. „Nothing, i'm afraid. It was just one of those automatic calling programs, you can basicly get it anywhere. And with some easy tweeking, you can set it however you want.„ „Great, so not much help there.“ she said sighing. „Did any of you saw who it was that attacked you?“. „No, i got hit from behind, i didnt see anything.“ Dan answered, turning his look to me. „Nothing.“ I said „I rushed in too foolishly when i saw Dan.“ „Damn it.“ Jessy said, when Maya asked. „Did the preson say anything? Before you got knocked out?“ You can't save her, boy. She will die. The words echoed in my head again. „Jake?“ I turned to her. She looked so tired, and beaten with worry. So i lied. „No, nothing.“ She continued looking at me so intensly, i was sure she would see right through me. But she just leaned her head to my shoulder, sighing „So we still don't know anythig.“ „I'm sorry, Maya.“ I said, leaning my head to hers „I hoped we would find something, anything that would shed some light to this.“ „Me, too“ she said, sounding so defeated. „We wont give up, we will just try harder.“ Dan said. „We wont let a few blows to the head make us quit.“ He grinned, Jessy shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him. „ Joking aside“ she started, giving Dan a stare „But Dan is right, we wont give up.“

Mayas POV

Jessy made us stay for lunch before letting us go back to the motel. We all just ate in silence, lost in our toughts. All this was just getting more confusing with each day, leaving so manny unanswered questions in my head. „I saw Phil the other day.“ Jessys words snapped me out of my thoughts. Both Jake and me looked at eachother for a moment, and i turned to Jessy „Yeah?“ She sighed „He didnt want to tell me what happened, but he has a nasty bruise on his face.“ „Really?“ i said, trying to sound surprised, averting my eyes back to my plate. Jake smirked at it. „You know something about it, man, dont you?“ Dan said to Jake grinning. Jessy looked at us „Oh, god, what happened?“ she asked desperatly. „Well, you know how you said to me Phil can be a jerk sometimes?“ i asked, and she just nodded. „Phil was a jerk. So Jake hit him.“ I said nonchalantly, Dan grinning even more „Nice, man.“ He said to Jake, and he grinned back at Dan. Jessy looked bewildered at Jake „You did what?!“ „She just told you.“ he said to her, Jessy rolling her eyes, turning to me. „Can you be more specific, please.“ I sighed „Fine. Phil provoked him, and it happened, Jessy. I cant say im sorry about it, he did deserve it, he crossed the line.“ Dan was still grinning at it, but Jessy got up from the table, throwing her hands up in desperation and annoyance „Great, now i have to find another place.“ I turned to her „Another place for what?“ „To celebrate me getting that job at the library.“ „Oh, congratulation, Jessy, i'm so happy for you!“ i chimed. „Thanks!“ She said cheerfully before getting serious again. „But I still have the same problem. I cant have this one“ she said pointing at Jake „having another run down with my brother again.“ „Hey, i dont have to be there.“ Jake told her, and she looked at him, rising her eyebrow „ Maya would be, and i highly doubt you would let her be alone anywhere near my brother after what happened.“ „Point taken.“ he said to her thoughtfully. „I dont mind going to the Aurora, Jessy.“ I said, and all looked at me. I rolled my eyes „Its not like i would be going there for Phil. And besides, it's a big place, i'm sure we can all avoid each other just fine for that one evening.“ I took a bite of off my plate „It's actually Phil you have to talk to about it.“ I started „Maybe he banned Jake and me from the Aurora after it.“ i said grinning at her. Jessy groaned with frustration at us „Argh, can anything be simple with you two!?“ „But its more interesting like this, babe!“ Dan chimed cheerfuly, Jake and me looking at eachother and chuckling, leaving poor Jessy just shake her head at us all.

Back at the motel, i just threw myself on the bed. „What are we gonna do now?“ „I'll take a shower for sure.“ Jake said as he sat on the bed rubbing at the side of his head. „I didnt mean it like that.“ I rolled my eyes at him. „I know you didnt.“ He said desperatly. „But to be honest, i have no clue what to tell you.“ I burried my face in the pillow and screamed, making him look at me. „Sorry“ i said „Im just fucking frustrated with it all right now. I have no clue what is happening here, or why it's happening. And we didnt find out anything yesterday, so we're back at square one!“ „Dont you think this all isnt frustrating for me also?“ he said, but his voice was adding something else to that frustration. I looked him straight in the eyes „Are you sure there isnt anything else you want to tell me?“ I tought his eyes widened for a second at my question, but he just said „Ofcourse not, I told you everything.“ There was something in his voice, I wasnt sure he was telling me the truth, wich just made me more frustrated. „Fine, whatever. Go take your shower.“ I said a bit snapily. „Fine, i will!“ he said, a bit of hurt in his voice, getting up and going to the bathroom, slamming the doors. He stomped back a moment later, his hoodie and pants gone. „Why are you angry at me now?“ he asked, rising his voice. „Im not!“ i said, also rising my voice, getting up from the bed. "I'm just frustrated and angry with everything now, ok?!“ „Fine! Dont take it out on me then!“ he said and stomped back. I threw myself backwards on the bed. Shit, i didnt want to fight with him, but all that was happening was driving us both crazy. It was just a matter of time before we would snap at eachother. Bathroom doors opened once more, Jake stomping out again with just his boxers on. He came to the bed and grabbed my hand, pulling me up and going back towards bathroom. „What are you doing?“ I asked. He just continued going „You look sexy when angry, and i'm horny now, so you're taking a shower with me.“

Jakes POV

I couldnt sleep, the toughts wer racing wild in my mind. I turned to her, and smiled. I could just stare at her like this for hours. She was sleeping soundly, it was the only time she looked at peace these last days. I got out of bed silently, going to the bathroom, and just stared at the mirror. I hated myself for lying to her. But how could i tell her the truth!? Those words wer haunting me, eating at me inside. I feared what it might do to her if she only knew. If i wasn't so careless that day, things might end differently, this all could have ended by now. I was furious at myself for that, rage boiling in me. „Fuck!“ i cursed out loud, my fist involuntarily colliding with the wall next to the mirror. „Jake?“ She called to me from the room after a moment, making me curse inside. Breathing deep to calm myself, I took the glass and filled it with water before going back. „Sorry, did I wake you?“ i said, forcing a smile on my face. She just smiled at me sleepily „Dont worry. Is everything all right? I thought i heard a noise.“ „Yeah, sorry, that was me. I knocked down the glass.“ I said. „Oh, ok. Well, come back to bed.“ She said yawning, laying back on her pillow. I got under the covers, pulling her close to me, hugging her tight. She smiled, snuggling even closer to me before falling back to sleep almost instantly. Those cursed words came back to me again. But no, that wont happen, what he said to me, he was wrong. I made a promise to myself then, I'll make sure nothing happens to her. I wont let her down, ever again.

#duskwood #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood jessy #duskwood dan #duskwood everbyte

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goldenpinof · 1 year ago

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Idk if it’s too much to ask, but can you elaborate by any chance on how dd was alienating? I’ve never really watched it, and I breezed through a few to try to understand, but I still don’t get it 😞😞 It kinda just seemed like a longer version of his older videos with a bigger production?? Or am I wrong??? If you, or anyone else, could help me that’d be great! If not it’s okay, hope you’re having a lovely day!

it's not too much to ask, don't worry! it's gonna be too much to read for you, though, and i'm sorry for that :)

original anon, please, come back! i would also like to know your and others' thoughts on what felt wrong with dd.

i wasn't alienated, so i can only point own differences and traits (??) that weren't balanced out right away by either Phil or Dan himself. in dd videos Dan is ruder than usual and it feels less like banter. like, he is purposefully rude, loud, mean, annoyed, and offensive in a way. and if usually, you understand that it's not real because Dan either laughs or his "collaborator" laughs genuinely or gets on board and plays along – here it wasn't like that? or it wasn't like that always. during dd he was saying stupid and harmless things but the delivery was like he was punching someone with his words. gladly, Dan is a bad actor, so it was just awkward most of the time (at least to me), and that indicated that he was just fucking around and all of these is his weird concept of satire. there was a "i don't really wanna be here" vibe sometimes. some topics of the videos were purposefully boring and their point was to show that youtube is full of recycled content and there is so little originality on the platform? (allegedly! this is one of my understandings). he definitely tried to explain the whole big concept of dd somewhere, i just don't remember where (probably in a liveshow), and video descriptions can be very telling as well. also, he was using his fandom A LOT. we were giving him content, 45% of dd is phandom-based videos. it can weird people out, i can understand that. i'm not a huge fan of all these twitter screenshots and Dan reading them out loud. but as a part of a bigger concept i can let it slide.

anyway, for me it felt a bit disingenuous. like he would rather do anything else or nothing at all than dystopia daily. but his "annoyed at everyone and everything" dd persona fit into that. so i'm not mad it exists. it's a fucking concept and a half. and it's so funny to look at it and not take it seriously. there were good, cute and genuinely funny moments. just, the whole thing still feels like it was a challenge to youtube. and like he wanted to bait people. i don't know, i haven't rewatched any of the videos. my thoughts are based on memories.

i think in the beginning Dan was like: am i doing what i want to do (and there's no budget around); am i doing what youtube algorithm wants from me?; or am i doing what the audience wants? and he tried to create a piece of content that fit all three categories, and create it very fast. and that's why dd was such a roller coaster.

i'd like to hear the original anon :)

#answered #dd #imagine if i'm remembering the feelings wrong! ffs don't trust what i say #clicked on tiktok monologue and i gonna say i like the delivery grudfhsj #but i also like when dan is mad. so like... what do you expect from me

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phantasticworks · 4 years ago

Text

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Twenty-Two

guess who's back! Back again! I am back! With a new chapter friends! *please check the tags for an important new tw about this chapter*

read on ao3

Words: 10.3k

Summary: Dan and Phil get closer to their truth.

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, allusions to past abuse/neglect, mild (very mild) smut at the end

After hours of testing and far too many people poking and prodding at their son, the hospital finally releases Jaiden, with a prescription to be filled for a brand new inhaler. Dan’s beyond nervous about this new development, but he saves his breakdown until they get home, where he hopes he can cry in the shower in peace.

Everyone is exhausted and starved by the time they finally make it inside the flat, Phil carrying Jaiden’s tired self inside and taking him straight to the lounge. Luckily, Phil had the foresight to order burgers on the way home, and Dan takes a moment to be relieved that he won’t have to cook. Still, the only thing keeping him from going straight to bed, besides the fact that it’s only about six in the evening, is the nervous energy thrumming in his veins. He tries not to hover around Jaiden too much, knowing it makes him nervous as well, but he almost can’t help it.

This results in Phil all but dragging him into the kitchen, asking the kids to pick out a film while they talk. As soon as they’re in the kitchen, and safe from wandering eyes and little ears, Dan allows a shallow sob to escape him. “Oh, bear,” Phil whispers, his voice dripping in something soft and affectionate. He doesn’t hesitate before pulling Dan into a hug, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing, his hands bunching up Dan’s sweater at his hips.

Dan loops his arms around Phil’s shoulders, hiding his face against the pale neck, just a breath away. He tries to control his crying to something quieter, but his body is shaking with it, as Phil tries desperately to quiet him, stroking a hand over his hair in long sweeps. “I was so scared,” Dan gasps through the tears.

“I know,” Phil whispers, his lips brushing against Dan’s ear. Dan can’t repress the shiver the feeling causes. “But Jaiden’s fine. He’s okay, Dan. You did so well, getting him to A&E and everything. I’m so proud of you.” Somewhere in the words of encouragement and comfort, Phil starts pressing kisses to Dan’s jaw, and Dan feels the tingling heat left behind from every brush of his lips. He hates himself for how affected he is by something so stupid.

“If something had happened to him...” Dan starts, shivering at the thought as his stomach lurches with nausea.

Phil tugs his hair gently, pulling Dan’s face away to force steely eye contact. “It didn’t,” he says, his voice quiet but firm. “You got him there in time, and now we know what to do if it happens again. Don’t try to blame yourself for this, Dan.”

“But if-“

Phil shakes his head, cutting him off immediately. “No. You- you’re such a good dad, Dan. Seriously. The way you take care of them, the way you’d do anything for them...” he shakes his head again, something like mystified admiration swirling in the flecks of green in his eyes. “It’s one of the many things I love about you, okay? So just... don’t. You did the best thing for him, and you saved his life.”

Dan’s quiet for a long moment, slowly moving to rest his head back on Phil’s shoulder, pressing his damp face against Phil’s throat. “Okay,” he finally whispers. He presses a fleeting kiss to Phil’s neck, leaving his lips there to feel the way Phil swallows hard.

He’s just about to say something else, his stomach swirling with anxiety about the conversation he knows they need to have, but he’s interrupted by the melodic sound of the doorbell going.

Phil slowly extracts himself from Dan’s arms. “I’ll get it,” he offers, pressing a brief kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “How about you go back to the lounge and make sure the kids picked a good film? I’ll bring the food and drinks up.”

Dan shakes his head, gesturing to the refrigerator. “I’ll get the drinks. I need a moment to... you know, not look like a crying mess,” he says through a wet laugh.

There’s something briefly sad that flickers in Phil’s gaze, and then he’s nodding, brushing a curl out of Dan’s face. “Alright. See you upstairs?”

Dan nods, giving him a small half-smile. Phil gives him a searching look before he finally leaves, headed to retrieve their food from the delivery man. After taking a moment to wipe his eyes and collect himself, Dan heads to the cupboard and grabs five cups, deciding it’s easier to carry them up empty and pour the drinks in when they get settled. Phil beats him to the lounge, and upon climbing the last step, Dan finds him distributing food to each of the kids. Dan pauses to watch the way Phil crouches down to cut Mia’s burger into pieces like she likes it, without her even asking. It warms Dan’s heart to see the way Phil acts with them, and he doesn’t know if that feeling will ever truly fade.

“Ribena okay with everyone?” Dan asks, finally stepping into the room. He’s got the stack of cups tucked into the crook of his elbow, the bottle of Ribena in one hand and the water pitcher in the other.

The kids chorus their agreements, and Dan quirks an eyebrow at Phil as he steps closer to the sofa. “Can you-“ he says, nodding at the glasses in his arm.

“Oh-“ Phil says, jumping to action. He takes the cups, and then the water pitcher, unstacking the cups so Dan can begin pouring.

“What’re we watching, guys?” Dan asks, glancing across the coffee table at the twins, who are sat in the floor, devouring their dinner.

“Kung Fu Panda,” Amelia answers around a bite of hamburger.

Dan’s nose crinkles but he doesn’t correct this behavior, just this once. Phil shoots him a knowing grin, and Dan pretends he doesn’t catch it. They finish pouring the right ratio of Ribena to water, and luckily Dan remembered to grab a long spoon to give them a quick stir. The children are mostly quiet as they eat, already focused on the film, so Dan and Phil quietly retreat to their sofa with their food, falling into a comfortable place beside each other as they eat.

They watch the film with little to no conversation, which Dan easily attributes to the long, exhausting day they’ve had. He can’t even consider staying up past the end of the film, and by the time everyone’s finished eating, there’s more than half an hour left. Dan stacks all the takeaway boxes for an easier disposal, then shifts to sit back on the sofa to wait out the rest of the film. Phil holds his arm out invitingly beside him, and Dan barely sends him a thankful glance before he leans into that comforting warmth.

Phil’s hand rests on his shoulder, his fingers scratching at the material of his jumper absently. Dan sighs. “Okay?” Phil breathes.

“Mhm. Exhausted,” Dan replies.

Phil makes a sympathetic little noise, much like he would to an animal, and Dan feels a fuzzy warmth flood his chest. “Nap for a bit, love. Everything’s fine. I’ll wake you when the film’s over.”

Dan nearly groans with relief at the very idea. “God, you’re actually my favorite human on earth, you know that?” He mumbles, getting comfortable, burrowing in against Phil’s chest, which does a little earthquake against Dan’s cheek.

“I’ll remind you that the next time I borrow some of your cereal,” Phil says, his voice full of quiet amusement.

Dan blinks an eye open at him. “It’s not borrowing if you can’t give it back,” he grouches. He’s not actually ill about it. He never could be, really.

Phil’s lip twitches. “I could regurgitate it to you like a baby bird.” Dan gags, and Phil laughs again.

Before Dan can even begin unpacking that, they’re interrupted by a tiny voice approaching them. It’s probably comical how they both look up at the same time, smiling at their child, who mirrors the expression.

“Can I come cuddle with you guys?” Jaiden asks, holding his latest stuffed dinosaur under his arm.

Dan nods, tugging on the blanket he and Phil’d draped over their laps earlier. “Of course, bubby. Come here.”

Jaiden crawls under the blanket, ending up pressed sort of half-between them, sitting mostly atop Dan’s thighs, with his back leaned against Phil’s chest. Dan bites his tongue on a laugh, sharing a look with Phil, who rolls his eyes. “You comfy, Jai?” Phil asks, rubbing a hand over his frizzy hair.

Nodding, Jaiden snuggles against his chest, digging his feet into one of Dan’s thighs to get situated. Dan winces, his leg twitching automatically. Of course this doesn’t go unnoticed to Phil, who gives him a little smile before gently adjusting Jaiden’s little body on his lap. “Here, bub, move your legs, you’re hurting Daddy.”

“Sorry,” Jaiden mumbles to Dan, half-heartedly paying attention to him. He allows himself to be maneuvered until his legs are hanging over Dan’s lap, Phil’s arm holding him up against his chest. Dan looks at the two of them for a minute, his eyes flickering up to meet Phil’s, something warm fizzing in his chest. Phil meets that gaze with a soft wink, and Dan forces himself to look away.

~~~

When the movie finally ends, Dan offers to carry Jaiden to bed while Phil and Levi clean up the mess from dinner. Amelia, surprisingly energetic for what time it is, offers to help clean. Dan’s glad to have a minute alone, carefully taking the stairs to get to the twins’ room. Jaiden is all but dead to the world, limp and heavier than usual in Dan’s arms. Dan wants to laugh or maybe cry with relief that he’s still here, that this was a minor thing that they now have a solution for. His heart aches at the idea that the day could’ve ended very differently.

Somehow he manages to get Jaiden settled into bed, dinosaur plushy tucked against his side, without so much as a stir. Dan probably takes longer than he should tucking him in, taking a moment to just hover his hand above his mouth to feel the warm puffs of breath, ensuring without a doubt that he’s okay.

That how Amelia and Phil find him a few minutes later, and Dan doesn’t even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. He catches Phil’s gaze for a second, watching the flicker of fondness before looking away. “C’mon, Mia, into bed,” Dan says quietly, moving over to her bed to tuck her in.

She’s quiet as she settles down, allowing Dan to smooth the blankets over her. When he asks which plushy she wants, she points to her lion, and Dan can’t help but glance over at Phil with a smirk. Rolling his eyes, Phil steps close to him, looping an arm around his shoulders and kissing his head. “Do you need anything else, Mia?”

Amelia shakes her head, but immediately holds her arms out for a hug. Of course Dan obliges at once before scooting away to allow Phil to do the same. “Is Jaiden going to be okay?” She whispers, looking over at her brother with something sad in her eyes.

Dan brushes her hair back gently, offering her a smile. “He’ll be okay, yeah. He’s got an inhaler, and now Dad and I know what to do if it happens again.”

She nods, petting the lion’s fur absently. “Can I get a new toy tomorrow? Since Jai got one?”

Dan tries his best to stifle a laugh, looking pointedly at her bed, almost entirely covered with stuffed animals of various shapes and sizes. “Um...” he trails off, looking to Phil for an answer.

The older man chews his lip in thought before giving him a sheepish shrug. “I mean... personally, I’d want a toy too, if I were her.”

Amelia cheers quietly and Dan rolls his eyes at the absolutely ridiculousness of it all. “You’re both spoiled, I think that’s what I’m hearing.”

Phil kisses Dan’s cheek so softly that Dan barely has time to register it before he’s already pulling away. “Maybe,” he agrees with a quiet smile. “But that’s just as much your fault as mine.”

Dan sighs, helpless. “I can’t even argue with you there.”

There’s a squeeze to his shoulder as Phil giggles, and then that hand slides down to pat his shoulder blade. “C’mon, Dan. It’s past our bedtime.”

Amelia makes a thoughtful face. “Aren’t you adults?” When Dan nods, she sighs, staring up at the ceiling. “When I’m an adult, I won’t have a bedtime.” She sounds wistful.

Dan snorts a quiet laugh before patting her arm gently. “Alright, lovebug. Sweet dreams.” With another kiss to her forehead, he stands, making sure that the night lights are switched on before he leads the way out of their room. He feels Phil’s hand slip into his own as they go, and he squeezes it almost unconsciously.

They’re quiet as they dress in their pajamas and go through their regular nightly routine. Dan’s head is buzzing with thoughts that feel too loud in the silence. He’s honestly not sure how Phil can’t hear them with how they scream, even from where he’s at in the bathroom. Dan tugs on a t-shirt, opting out of pajama bottoms in favor of just his usual pants. Phil comes back into their room and plugs his phone up, settling in his side of bed with a little sigh. When he catches Dan looking at him, he smiles. “Are you tired?”

Dan shrugs, then nods. “Yeah.”

Phil nods knowingly. “I want to talk before we go to sleep,” he says, voice apologetic.

Forcing a nod, Dan steps into the bathroom without a word, brushing his teeth methodically and taking his medicine when he’s finished. He feels anxious and fidgety, his fingers tapping out an uneven rhythm against his thigh as he stalls. He doesn’t want to go to bed, where he knows he’ll have to talk to Phil and explain the events of the day, away from little ears. But he can’t just loiter in the bathroom, so finally he forces himself back into the bedroom and straight into bed.

Phil’s sat up, watching Dan climb into bed. It’s not as if they never look at each other but something about Phil’s unwavering gaze crawls under his skin, making him feel hot and something like embarrassed.

Phil doesn’t let him feel it for long.

“Come here,” he whispers, holding his arms out for Dan to snuggle into. Dan goes willingly, his eyes already leaking with tears that he didn’t even know he had left to cry. “Shh, shh. You’re okay. Everything’s fine, love.”

“I...” he hesitates. But he wants to say this, for both of them. “I want to tell you what happened at the park.”

Phil makes a weak noise. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he assures Dan quietly. “I know... I know that was hard for you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Dan shakes his head, leaning away from Phil. He can’t help but feel trapped in his arms, at least for now. “Not just the asthma attack. I, um...” he’s not sure why but he briefly considers sharing the phone call with his mum. That’s absolutely, one hundred percent off limits. At least for now. “I had a conversation with Jaiden, before, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Okay...” Phil says slowly. He seems to realize that this means a lot to Dan, even without knowing what it is. He hesitates before dropping his hand to Dan’s thigh, his thumb stroking gently over the bare skin. “I’m listening,” he says softly.

Dan takes a deep breath, then begins to speak.

~~~

Dan tells him everything. He tells him how his heart hurt when Jaiden said he wished that he was biologically theirs. He tells him his fear of losing these children, of having to give them up to someone else, even if it is a better life. He talks about how his heart stopped when Amelia told him what happened to Jaiden, how fast it started beating when he found Jaiden on the ground, gasping for breath. He tells him how it felt to hear Jaiden cry the entire drive to A&E.

Phil listens intently, and doesn’t interrupt a single time. He strokes a hand over Dan’s thigh, eventually moving on to stroke his hair after gathering Dan up in his arms. When Dan cries, Phil makes soft, comforting noises in the back of his throat, wiping at the wetness pooled beneath Dan’s eyes with gentle fingertips. When Dan is finished speaking, he tucks his face into Phil’s neck, sniffling. Phil is quiet for a long time.

When he speaks, it’s not what Dan’s expecting to hear. “What would you do if they weren’t with us?” Dan makes a confused noise, and Phil clears his throat. “I... like, if they leave. How... how is that going to change our... situation?”

Dan always tries, really tries, not to let the idea of losing their little family get to him. He keeps it as far from the front of his mind as possible, and Phil has to know that by now. But even Dan has the sense to know that things can’t just stay this way forever, not really. So he forces himself to actually think about a life without the kids.

A life where they don’t have three children to feed, to read bedtime stories to, or watch movies with. A life without the sound of little feet thundering upstairs, and without the nightly cuddles Dan has become so very attached to. A life with empty bedrooms, an empty dining table, an empty flat.

A life that Phil will likely no longer feel the need to be a permanent part of, now that he’s experienced it and realizes just how hard it is to be a parent. A life where Phil sleeps in the guest room, and eventually moves out-because of course he actually does want a real family, and a real partner, rather than this game of house Dan’s given him.

A life where Dan has to cope with the idea, alone, that this- this life they have now, is the happiest he’s ever been in his whole life, because he’s sharing it with the man he’s never really fallen out of love with.

And that life mocks him from afar, a creeping spectator from the shadows in the corner, because he’s weak. He’s weak and will probably never have the guts to tell Phil the truth, not really.

So instead of saying any of that, Dan clears his throat, shifting out of Phil’s embrace. “I don’t know,” he whispers hoarsely.

Phil has something devastating in his eyes, something Dan can’t name, but he nods slowly. “Well... maybe we need to start thinking about that.”

Dan’s breath catches and it takes him a moment to speak but when he does, it’s to the sheets, unable to meet Phil’s eyes. “They’re my kids, Phil. In every way that matters, this- you guys are my whole world now. I don’t... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if they ever get taken away.” The “I don’t know how to live without this, without you,” is unspoken.

Phil kisses his hair. He’s quiet for a while, and finally he sighs. “I know, bear. I feel the same way.”

Dan chews on his lip, thoughtful. “What did you think about what Hazel said earlier?” His heart pounds as he waits for Phil to say something, anything that might make his heart hurt less.

“I think... that we need to think about that some more.” His words are slow, careful. Dan nearly cringes away. Phil continues, unaware. “That’s a very permanent decision, Daniel. And...” Phil’s voice trails off, and Dan swallows a sob.

“I guess we’re not really permanent, are we?” Dan asks, almost bitterly. Not even almost- he’s actually very bitter about it- about all of this. He rolls until he’s laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, gripping at his chest and begging for his heart to stop hurting.

“That’s not what I said,” Phil says softly, something like hurt in his voice. The mattress dips and suddenly a weight is on Dan’s chest and soft black hair is tickling his chin. Phil’s arms wrap around Dan’s waist and Dan takes a deep, steadying breath to calm his emotions. “You’re always going to be my best friend, Dan.” Phil whispers.

Dan can feel tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, but he tries desperately to blink them away as his arms come up to wrap around Phil’s waist. It’s one of the more compromising positions they’ve found themselves in, and as they settle into it, Phil’s thigh slips between Dan’s legs. When they’ve finally settled, Dan’s got a leg wrapped around one of Phil’s, and they’ve somehow both gotten their hands underneath each other’s shirts. It’s nice, Dan decides. “You’re mine too,” Dan says softly, his voice breaking.

Phil kisses his chest, a lingering, gentle thing. “You know why that’s important to me, right?” When Dan makes a humming noise in response, Phil nuzzles into his neck. He places one soft kiss to Dan’s jaw and then sighs. “You’re my favorite person, Dan. And that won’t ever change. But... doing this... adopting the kids, that’s big. That’s, you know...”

“More than you bargained for?” Dan interrupts, his voice irritated.

Phil makes a disagreeing noise. “No, Dan. This could never be anything less than exactly what I want. But we need to be on the same page about what we want. And right now... I don’t know if we are. And I think you should think about that more before we make a decision like this.”

Dan forces himself to steady his breathing. “Okay,” he whispers, his voice small.

The silence in the bedroom presses down on them, and Dan can’t find the words to dig their way out from under it. So instead he lies there, cheek pressed to Phil’s temple, struggling to breathe under the weight of what feels like the end of everything.

~~~

Sunday morning dawns cloudy and grey, like the weather decided to mirror Dan’s mood in whatever way it could. He stares at the ceiling, his heart heavy in his chest as he wonders whether or not today is going to be a bad day. He doesn’t hear steady breathing next to him like he does most mornings, and when his hand makes the journey across the sheets, they’re already chilled. Dan closes his eyes, picturing Phil getting their coffee ready for the morning. The thought very nearly makes him cry.

Determined to be a good parent and a good partner for the day, Dan forces himself out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. He’s so lost in his head that he doesn’t process the sound of the shower turning off, or the fact that the door is almost shut. His brain wakes up a little when he walks into a room full of steam.

He hears a squeak of surprise and his attention is jerked to the side, where Phil is stepping out of the shower. Naked. “Jesus, Dan!” He says with a breathy laugh. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

Dan’s sure his whole face is flushed red. He tries to look elsewhere, but when he sees Phil turn and reach for a towel, his eyes wander. It’s not the first time he’s seen him naked, but it’s the first time he’s seen him naked knowing what he knows about himself now. “I- you weren’t- I didn’t mean to-“ Dan stutters, trying to tear his eyes away from Phil’s perfect ass.

“It’s okay,” Phil says warmly. He finally wraps a towel around his waist, but his lip twitches with something like a smirk. The butterflies in Dan’s stomach are having a riot. “Did you need something?”

Something about the question, the reminder that Dan is intruding on Phil’s personal space, sets Dan’s head back into orbit. “No, um- sorry, I’ll go.”

Just as he’s turning around to do just that, he hears Phil make a small noise. “I don’t mind,” he says quietly.

Dan freezes. “What?” He asks, turning to face him.

Phil avoids his eyes, turning to the mirror to apply his face moisturizer. “I said I don’t mind. Like, it doesn’t bother me for you to be in here with me.”

“While you’re- you were-“ Dan has no idea what words he needs. He’s barely processed the fact that he saw his best friend’s dick, knowing that said best friend is also the person he’s in love with.

Phil looks straight into his eyes and nods. “I know.” He pauses, turning away to pat his hands dry. “You can stay in here, if you want.” It’s almost conversational, how he says it, gesturing for Dan to get on with his morning routine if he wants.

Dan feels like his brain is short-circuiting just a little bit. “I...”

Before he can finish whatever dim-witted sentence he had in store, Phil reaches down, untucking the towel from around his waist. He meets Dan’s gaze in the mirror, for just a second, before he reaches for the clothes that Dan is just noticing sat on the counter.

Dan can’t do it. He’s borderline hyperventilating, and his skin feels so hot he thinks it might melt right off his skeleton. And he can’t do this. It’s an open invitation, one with so many implications, but he can’t. He just can’t.

“I’ll go... um, make coffee,” he stutters out uselessly before scurrying out of the room. He doesn’t wait to see or hear Phil’s reaction.

~~~

Dan’s stirring milk and sugar into a Hello Kitty mug, going through the motions with little awareness of them. He’s completely on autopilot, preparing two cups of coffee like he does most mornings, leaving Phil’s on the table as he goes to stand out on the balcony. He just needs a moment of fresh- well, fresh enough- air to try and process what almost happened in the bathroom.

He’s known for years how attractive Phil is, and realizing he’s been in love with him this whole time has only exacerbated how attracted Dan is to him. Seeing him freshly showered and naked less than five minutes after waking up sent Dan’s brain into very dangerous territory, and just reliving the encounter now is causing his trousers to tighten. He takes a few deep breaths, focusing on the way he can see his own breath in the November cold rather than focusing on the fact that he’s got a very embarrassing problem going on in his pants.

Whatever chance he had at calming down is ripped away with the sound of the balcony door being pushed open. Dan startles, but sips his coffee and continues looking over the balcony rather than turn around. Just to be safe.

“Dan, why’re you out here without a coat? It’s freezing,” Phil chastises, his voice holding absolutely none of the turmoil Dan is feeling at the moment. Either Phil really was unaffected or he’s just very good at hiding it. Either way, it’s quite inconvenient.

“‘M not cold,” Dan mumbles, holding his coffee mug close to his chest.

“Sure,” Phil says after a beat, clearly disbelieving. There’s the sound of the door opening again, and Dan assumes Phil’s decided not to entertain his bullshit this morning. Dan’s not sure whether he should feel relieved or not.

Suddenly the door opens again and a moment later, Dan feels something soft and heavy being draped over his shoulders. “Here,” Phil says softly, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms to warm him. “I don’t want you catching a cold out here.” He presses a kiss to the back of Dan’s head, his hand ruffling through the curls for a moment before he steps beside him.

Dan nods. “Thanks,” he mumbles. He’s still reeling, mind flooded with images of droplets sliding down pale skin, fogged up mirrors-

“Are you okay? You’re breathing funny.” Phil is saying, his voice barely reaching Dan through the haze. Dan feels the way Phil’s hand wraps around his arm, but everything is still fuzzy. “Dan?”

“I’m fine,” he mumbles, gently pulling away from Phil’s grip. “I need to get dressed.”

Phil gives him an odd look, his hand hovering in the air between them like he’s attached to Dan by some invisible string. “Oh... okay?”

Dan doesn’t look back at him before he disappears back into the flat.

~~~

When Dan finally re-emerges from their bedroom, Phil is standing in the kitchen, phone pressed to his ear. Dan’s clearly coming in on the tail-end of the conversation, and he pretends to busy himself with making toast so he doesn’t look like he’s eavesdropping.

“Right, sure. I can meet you in, like, half an hour?” Phil is saying, pulling his phone away briefly to glance at the time. Whoever he’s speaking to must agree, because then he’s saying his goodbyes and hanging up. He taps on his phone briefly before sliding it into his pocket and looking over at Dan. Dan avoids his eyes. “I was going to make some pancakes,” Phil says mildly.

Dan shrugs one shoulder, staring at the toaster as he waits for the bread to pop up. “‘S fine. Who was that?” He asks, nodding in Phil’s general direction.

“Martyn, he wants to meet up. Evan is sick and I think Cornelia is sick of Mar hovering,” Phil says, snorting a laugh.

Dan tries to force himself to act like he isn’t bothered. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to hang out with Martyn? If Evan is sick and contagious, we could end up with a houseful of sick kids ourselves, and we don’t really need that right now.” His voice has an edge to it that he really wishes he could get rid of.

Phil is giving him an odd look when Dan risks a glance at him. “I think it’ll be fine. Evan just barely has a fever, if anything I think Cornelia just wanted to have an excuse to get Martyn out of the house for the day.”

The toast finally pops out of the toaster, giving Dan something to focus on that isn’t the building emotion in his chest. He shrugs, mumbling, “whatever,” and plating up his toast. He spares another glance over at Phil, who’s watching him closely. “If you’re meeting him so soon you should probably go.”

“Right,” Phil says, searching Dan’s face. Dan turns away, petulant. Phil huffs a noise somewhere between a snort and a sigh before leaving the kitchen.

Dan busies himself with smoothing his almond butter on one slice of the toast, and finds he’s spread Phil’s favorite strawberry jam over the other, just out of habit. He huffs a breath out of his nose, beyond annoyed at himself and forcing away the little bubble of warmth that’s trying to remind him that he’s not actually upset with Phil. It’s hard to remember that, though, when Phil comes in a few minutes later, wearing his denim button-up and glasses, looking the picture of ease while Dan is still feeling raw on the inside from the events of the day before.

“Here,” Dan mumbles, shoving the Nutella toast over to him and turning away to nibble on his own. He pretends to watch the pigeons, only to realize after a moment of staring that the balcony is empty.

“You made me toast too?” Phil asks, sounding soft and surprised.

Dan shrugs. He glances over at Phil, who already has a big corner bite taken out of the bread, cheeks puffed out as he chews. “Yeah,” he murmurs.

“Thanks,” Phil says once he’s swallowed. He licks a bit of Nutella off his thumb and Dan forces himself to look away, feeling his face heat up. They’re quiet while they finish eating their toast, but then they’re both done and Phil is clearing his throat. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

The reminder that Phil is leaving sours Dan’s mood all over again. He turns away, turning the tap on just to hear something other than his own bitter thoughts. He shrugs, then shakes his head, silent. Phil sighs, and Dan tenses a little when he feels him press close to his side.

“Are you upset with me?” Phil asks, voice quiet but undeniably hurt.

Dan is, of course. He doesn’t even know why, really. His emotions are frazzled and fried and he doesn’t know what to do or say, so he shakes his head again, denying it.

There’s a brief pause and then Phil lets out another sigh, this time more impatient. “Okay,” he says, his voice tight. He leans in, and his lips barely brush Dan’s forehead before Dan turns away, the kiss falling where his hair meets his temple. Phil makes a wounded noise, and Dan closes his eyes, gripping the counter as he waits for the reprimand, or the fight, that he knows is coming. “I’ll see you later,” Phil murmurs to him, pressing his lips to Dan’s hair gently before turning to leave.

Dan listens to the tell-tale sound of Phil’s feet clomping down the hall and then the sound of him struggling to get his shoes on. Finally there’s the sound of keys jostling, and then the door closing gently, probably out of respect for the sleeping members of the house and not Dan. Still, he pretends they’re not in a fight, pretends that they’d had a nice breakfast together and had their usual affectionate goodbyes.

Somehow, this pretend doesn’t make up for the reality.

~~~

A day filled with spending quality time with his children is a remedy like no other. Dan still feels the ache somewhere in his chest, and the Phil-shaped absence in his day does hurt when he lets himself think too much about it. Still, spending most of the morning snuggling with Jaiden and watching movies heals him a little. Levi even sticks around, lounging at the other end of the sofa with Amelia tucked against his side. The soft family vibes of it all nearly brings Dan to tears, but he manages to keep himself under control.

At some point he gets a text from Phil saying that he’d be spending more of the day with Martyn than he realized. Dan frowns down at his screen, tilting it away from any curious little eyes.

Phil: Hey, Mar wants to do some early Christmas shopping for mum and dad while we’re out. Won’t be home until later.

Dan: it’s literally November?

Phil: Yeah, well. We don’t hang out as often anymore. It’ll be good to get it out of the way now.

Dan: fine, whatever

Phil: Kids okay?

Dan: yes.

Phil: Need anything?

Dan: guess not.

Phil: Okay. Love you guys.

Dan reads over this several times before locking his phone and sliding it under his thigh and out of view. That word shouldn’t send his heart racing the way it does, certainly not within the context. He knows what Phil meant. There’s no reason for him to have other feelings about it. No reason for him to mouth the words to himself, allowing his body to feel like they’re just for him.

“Daddy can we play Mario Kart?” A sweet voice calls from the other end of the sofa.

Dan turns a smile towards Amelia, shrugging. “That’s fine with me. Need help setting it up?”

Amelia shakes her head and pats Levi’s arm repeatedly, gesturing for him to do it. The teenager rolls his eyes but complies, sending Dan a smile when their eyes meet. “Will you play with us?” Amelia asks, scooting to sit in Levi’s spot against the corner of the sofa.

“Mm, I dunno,” Dan says warily. He does get a bit competitive with the game, and he can’t afford to keep swearing around them, not with the new swear jar.

“Please?” Jaiden asks, tilting his head to give Dan the most illegal pair of puppy dog eyes that he’s ever seen.

Dan sucks his teeth, contemplating. “Okay, how about this? You guys play a few rounds, and whoever the winner is has to play me. Deal?”

Amelia claps, nodding eagerly. “Yes!”

Levi brings over the controllers, handing one to each of the twins. Dan realizes then that he’s only retrieved two of them from the gaming cabinet. When Dan gives him a puzzled look, he shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have some homework to get done, so...”

“Oh,” Dan says, a little disappointed that their family bonding time will be cut short. “Of course, yeah, that’s fine.”

Levi hesitates, scratching his collarbones, a nervous tic Dan’s noticed. “I could do it in here?” He suggests, sounding more like a question than anything else.

“You wouldn’t be too distracted?” Dan asks, glancing at where the twins have already started arguing about something.

“No,” Levi says, shaking his head fondly at his siblings. “I’ve got earbuds anyway, so it won’t be too distracting.”

Dan nods then, smiling. “Great! I’ll try to keep them quiet.”

Levi’s mouth quirks into a smile and he disappears to his room to retrieve his laptop and books. Dan leans back into the corner of the sofa and watches the twins, a blanket of calm settling over him. This is exactly the sort of day he wanted after the trauma of yesterday, although he still feels the tugging in his chest at Phil’s absence. He doesn’t see that going away anytime soon, so instead of dwelling on it, he immerses himself in enjoying this day with his kids.

~~~

By the time Dan hears the front door opening, he’s putting dinner away and listening for any sounds of distress coming from the bathroom where Jaiden is supposed to be taking a bath. It’s only because he’s listening so hard that he even hears the quiet click of the door being re-locked, and his hands fumble with the Tupperware bowl. He forces himself not to look up towards the sound of approaching footsteps, a hard feat since he’s been desperate to see Phil since the minute he’d walked out the door this morning. Another part of him, however, is more concerned with the fact that their conversation from earlier is still very much unresolved. Just thinking about how they’d parted ways this morning sours his mood, and he drops the stir-fry pan into the sink a little too harshly.

“Hey,” Phil says as he walks into the kitchen, shrugging his jacket off. He drapes it over a chair at the table before coming around the counter to join Dan. “I take it I missed dinner?” He asks, cautious.

“The kids were tired. I thought an early night was best,” Dan mutters, washing his hands and reaching for the towel without looking at Phil. “I put some away in a box for you. It’s in the fridge,” Dan gestures mildly with the hand towel before turning around, intending on going to check on the kids.

“Oh... thanks.” Phil drums his fingers on the counter. “Dan?”

Dan sighs, but drags his feet to a stop, closing his eyes briefly to prepare himself for whatever argument they’re about to have. He turns around, dragging his eyes over Phil’s face. “Yeah?” His voice is strained, even to his ears.

“I, um...” Phil starts, stumbling to a stop. “Are the kids in bed already?”

Something about his voice doesn’t sound right, like that’s not the question he’d wanted to ask, but Dan doesn’t mention it. “Mia is. Jai’s in the bath, and I think Levi is FaceTiming with Charlotte.”

Phil nods, glancing out at the balcony before looking over at Dan. “Okay. I’ll just, uh... eat dinner and um...”

“I’ll get Jaiden out of the bath. You can tell them goodnight when you’re done.” Everything they say to each other feels scripted. Dan hates it.

“Right. Okay.” Phil looks down, the silence in the room suddenly overwhelming.

Dan feels incredibly awkward standing there, so he does what he does best. He leaves.

~~~

After tucking Jaiden into bed and giving another round of hugs and kisses and ‘goodnight, I love you’s to the twins, Dan heads to his own bedroom. He can hear the sound of Phil watching something on his phone while he eats, and Dan closes the bedroom door behind himself for some privacy. He sends Levi a text reminding him not to stay up too late since it’s a school night, and when he’s finally alone and free of parental responsibility, he allows himself to fall apart.

Dan really doesn’t even realize he’s in need of a good cry until tears are streaking down his face, his breaths coming out shallow and quick. He wipes furiously at his eyes, pressing his fingers against his tear ducts until it hurts. He’s weak, he’s so weak, if he falls apart so easily just when he has a row with his partner. His co-parenting partner, his mind reminds him traitorously. There’s no other context that word fits into within their current dynamic, and he needs to remind himself of that before he loses it entirely.

The sound of the bedroom door opening jolts him out of his bubble of self-loathing. He turns away from Phil, swiping at his cheeks and trying to stifle his sniffles. He clears his throat twice, begging his body to get a grip and suck it up.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice calls softly, the mattress dipping on the other side of the bed. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Dan flinches at the feeling of fingers tracing gently down his arm. “Nothing,” he croaks, swiping his phone off the bed and connecting it to the plug. It’s something to keep his hands busy, but it doesn’t last forever, obviously, and then he’s left sat there, dreading the moment when he has to turn and face Phil.

“Bullshit,” Phil snorts, not unkindly. “I’ve known you for ten years, Dan. I can tell when you’re crying.”

“‘M not,” Dan protests, uselessly.

The bed shifts as Phil moves, and Dan’s breath catches when Phil’s knees bracket his hips, his arms wrapping around Dan’s shoulders in a warm embrace as he presses his chest to Dan’s back. “Babe, talk to me.”

A sob escapes Dan’s throat at the pet name. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

“Dan?” Phil sounds panicked.

“I want it to be real,” Dan confesses, squeezing Phil’s arms so tightly he’s sure that he’ll leave bruises.

“What?” Phil asks, his voice colored in confusion. “Want what to be real?”

“All of it,” Dan whispers. “This, the family, all of it.”

He feels Phil gulp behind him, his Adam’s apple brushing against Dan’s shoulder. “It is real, Dan.” He sounds uncertain.

“Not like I want it to be,” Dan says, scornful.

Phil’s quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” he admits. His voice sounds high and different though, making Dan wonder if he does.

And fuck, that’s really not something he can handle right now. Maybe not ever. “Nevermind,” he mumbles, gently prying Phil’s arms away from him.

“Wait, Dan,” Phil says, gripping Dan’s wrist.

Dan shrugs out of his grip. “Just stop,” he says. He wipes his nose on his sleeve, giving Phil half a glance. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

He leaves Phil staring after him as he goes into the bathroom, stripping down to his pants and turning on the tap. He’s waiting for the water to warm up, taking deep breaths to calm himself, when the door opens. He’s so sick of jumping every time a door opens, honestly.

“Dan-“ Phil starts, reaching for him as soon as he’s in reaching distance.

It’s then that Dan realizes he’s just stood there, nothing covering him other than his black Calvins, worn out with time and wear. “Why are you in here?” He demands, trying to decide between crossing his arms to cover his hardening nipples, or clasping his hands to cover the bulge in his pants.

Phil shrugs carelessly. Dan doesn’t think he imagines the way Phil’s eyes flick up and down, checking him out. “It’s my bathroom too,” Phil says flippantly.

“Well yeah, but I was about to shower,” Dan snaps, the defensive tone coloring his voice.

Phil definitely checks him out this time, his eyes dragging a slow trail down Dan’s mostly naked body. “Go ahead,” Phil says, gesturing. “I’ll wait.”

Dan definitely can’t do that. He shivers at the implication and hopes that he can pass it off as a reaction to the chill in the air. He thinks Phil might be joking, but when he just crosses his arms and leans back against the sink, Dan knows he’s being serious. “You’re being a dick,” Dan snaps, grabbing his shirt and tugging it back over his head. He’s not going to be forced into this conversation, not when he feels so vulnerable, literally only a scrap of fabric away from being naked under Phil’s gaze.

“Dan, wait,” Phil says, grabbing his arm when Dan brushes past him to leave.

“Fuck off,” Dan spits, angry when he realizes that he’s crying again.

Phil gently strokes a hand down Dan’s side, his other hand coming up to cup Dan’s neck. “Hey. I’m sorry.” His voice is soft, and that just makes Dan cry harder. “I’m not trying to be a dick. But you won’t talk to me.”

“Yeah? Well being a twat isn’t winning you any favors,” Dan says, avoiding Phil’s eyes as he wipes at his own.

Phil sighs. “Why are you so cross with me today?”

“I’m not.”

“Dan.”

There’s a beat of silence, and when Dan squirms, Phil tightens his grip. Dan hates that he likes it. “Fine,” he says in a quick breath. He raises his gaze, staring Phil square in the face. “You left today.”

Phil looks caught off guard. “I... yeah, Martyn wanted to see me.”

“Yeah,” Dan snorts. “And yesterday our son almost died.” He levels Phil with a look, begging him to get the hint.

“I...” Phil starts, clearly at a loss for what to say. “I’m sorry.” He tugs Dan to his chest, hugging him tightly.

And for some reason, that does it. Dan’s attempts at drying his stupid over-productive tear ducts are futile, and the flood gates open again. Phil shushes him gently, stroking the back of Dan’s head in soft, gentle sweeps. Dan just keeps crying, his body shaking against Phil’s.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Phil is mumbling, pressing kisses to his hair.

“I really needed you here today,” Dan says, wiping his nose unashamedly against Phil’s t-shirt. “It sucked, being here alone with them, thinking that any minute something might happen and you wouldn’t even be here.”

Phil squeezes his hip harder. “I know. I’m sorry, Dan, really. I wasn’t thinking. Or I guess I just thought...” he trails off, but Dan doesn’t offer him an out. He wants to know what Phil thought. “I thought that, you know, after this morning... you wanted some space.”

It takes Dan a moment to place what he means. He flushes as soon as he remembers, as images of Phil, naked and dripping from a shower, flood his brain immediately. He shifts his hips away from Phil’s just a bit, hoping he’s subtle about it. It’s actually a good point, as far as Phil’s stupid anxiety-ridden logic is usually concerned, but that doesn’t mean it was right. “I needed you here. The kids needed you here.”

“I know, I just-“

Dan pulls away enough to look at him. “No, obviously you didn’t. Because you left.”

Phil’s shoulders sag, and Dan can tell he’s disappointed in himself. “You’re right. Of course you are.”

He gives it a moment, and then Dan leans his head back on Phil’s shoulder. “Please don’t run away like that again,” he whispers.

Phil tightens his grip on Dan’s hips. “I won’t. I want to be there for you, and for them.”

Dan doesn’t think Phil realizes what he actually meant, and he’s too emotionally raw to correct him. He tilts his chin, pressing a kiss to Phil’s throat. Phil shivers, and fuck, Dan should probably keep his distance. They’re clearly just touch-starved and desperate for some sort of sexual release, something that Dan knows they don’t share with each other, even as much as he wants to. He’s thinking this, and regretting all the times he’s not said what he felt, when Phil cups his cheek, nudging his face just so and-

And kisses him. Phil kisses him so softly, like Dan’s never been kissed before. Dan can’t help but gasp a little, his hand coming up to hold Phil’s wrist. His eyes slip closed as Phil strokes across his cheekbone, kissing Dan again and again, each time their lips meet better than the last. He loves this. He loves the way Phil’s mouth tastes, something sugary mixed with a hint of the coffee he drinks every evening, despite Dan’s warnings of sleep deprivation. He loves the way Phil’s hands are so gentle as they touch him, the hand on his hip currently traveling towards his bum, touching lightly, reverently. He loves the way he can feel Phil’s heart beating against his own chest from where they’re pressed so tightly together, and Dan can’t help but wish they were wearing less clothes. And he especially loves the way it sounds, the quiet smacking of their lips echoing in the room, louder even than the water Dan left running.

This must be what drags Dan out of this incredible moment, the reminder that he’s left the water running and has a shower to take. He pulls away, blood thrumming and heart leaping when Phil chases his lips. He surveys him, staring at Phil’s cherry red, spit-slick mouth and Dan decides that he wants to devour him. But first, he really does need that shower. “I need to take a shower,” he says dumbly.

Phil looks scandalized. “Er, right. Okay.” He clears his throat, bringing a hand up to wipe his mouth. His cheeks are flushed, and Dan can’t decide if it’s from the heat of the bathroom or the kissing.

They stare at each other for a second and Phil quirks an eyebrow. “Is there something on my face?” He says, wiping nervously at nothing.

Dan can’t help it. He leans forward, pressing kisses all over Phil’s cute little face. “Nope,” he mumbles.

Phil giggles uncontrollably, and Dan shivers as he feels Phil’s hands pushing underneath his shirt. He’s grinning too, enough that he’s really not even kissing Phil’s face anymore, just dragging his lips across his jaw before forcing himself to pull away. Phil’s laughter dies out and he’s stood staring at Dan with something too warm, too intimate, in his eyes. Dan leans in and kisses him again, amazed at the fact that Phil seems to want this, at least for now. He grabs Phil’s wrist under his shirt and guides his hand over to a nipple, encouraging Phil to touch him. He’s over pretending like this isn’t exactly what he wants.

“You know,” Phil says conversationally as he trails kisses down Dan’s neck. “You’re even better at this than I thought you’d be.”

Dan can’t help but preen at the compliment. “Yeah?” He asks shyly.

“Yeah,” Phil says, blowing a breath against Dan’s neck before sucking gently. Dan shivers. “Can I...” Phil trails off, his fingertips dipping into the waistband of Dan’s pants.

“What?” Dan asks, eager to hear the end of that question.

Phil pulls away and looks at him with something vulnerable in his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

Dan closes his eyes and nods quickly. He’s afraid if he doesn’t give his consent immediately, Phil might change his mind. “Fuck yeah. Yes.”

“Okay,” Phil says, smiling at him, a little nervous twitch to his lips. “I haven’t done this in a while, so you might have to give me a second to get it right,” he says. Dan’s about to ask what exactly he hasn’t done in a while when Phil drops to his knees.

Dan stops breathing. “Fuck,” he whimpers, heart racing. He never, in a million years, thought he’d ever see this. Phil kneeling in front of him, rubbing Dan gently through his briefs, looking up at Dan for reassurance. “Yeah,” Dan says uselessly. He’s shaking a little, he realizes when he reaches forward to push Phil’s hair out of his face. Doing something he does all the time, but in this context, makes it so incredibly hot that Dan can hardly stand it.

“Hey,” Phil says softly, reaching up and grabbing Dan’s hand. “We don’t have to, I can-“

“No!” Dan says, too quickly. Phil smirks at him. “I mean,” Dan says, clearing his throat. “I want you to, I’m just...” He flaps his hand in some awkward non-explanation of how he’s feeling. “Nervous,” he supplies when Phil just tilts his head at him.

Phil smiles, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Dan’s stomach, right below his navel. “It’s just me. I’m not scary, am I?” He looks up at Dan through his eyelashes as he kisses down, his final kiss pressed against the base of Dan’s cock through the fabric.

Dan takes a deep breath. “Fucking terrifying,” he says.

Phil presses his giggles against Dan’s tummy and Dan’s muscles tighten nervously. It’s been so long since someone’s touched him like this, he’s a little terrified among all the exhilaration of it. But Phil knows him better than any other person on earth, and he knows exactly what Dan needs. He reaches up and tangles their fingers together, bringing Dan’s hands to rest in his hair. Phil watches him as he gently guides Dan’s hands to stroke his hair, his face melting into something soft when Dan relaxes.

“There we go,” Phil says quietly. “Are you alright?”

Dan nods, his hands still petting Phil’s hair even when Phil’s hands drop to rest on Dan’s hips. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Phil smiles at him. “Good.” He ducks his head and begins sucking lightly at Dan’s cock through the fabric, and Dan stifles a groan and his thighs shake. He’s so hard already, and Phil’s barely touched him. He genuinely doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to stand it when Phil takes his cock out to properly blow him, which is where Dan’s pretty sure this is going. Phil pulls away and tugs lightly at Dan’s pants. “Ready?” He says.

Dan loves him for triple-checking. He opens his mouth to tell Phil to do it already, he consents, he wants this so bad-

He hears a voice in the other room.

“Daddy?”

Both of them freeze, staring at each other with matching looks of terror. They wait, as if to see if their child is going to leave. It barely takes a minute before they hear a knock at the bathroom door. “Dad?” Jaiden calls again.

“Shit,” Dan hisses, pushing at Phil’s head, yanking at his t-shirt to get him to stand. “Fuck, god fucking dammit,” he mutters, heart racing for entirely all the wrong reasons.

“Shh,” Phil shushes him, turning to check his hair in the mirror, his hands trembling. “Just a sec, Jai!”

“Phil!” Dan protests, covering himself. “I don’t- I can’t go out there like this!” He whisper-shouts.

“Relax, I’ll go take care of him,” Phil says, turning around to face Dan. He smirks as he glances down at Dan’s little problem, and Dan wants to throttle him. “You should probably take care of that,” he says, gesturing to Dan’s crotch.

Dan’s face feels like it’s on fire. “God. Yeah, okay. I’ll uh... take a shower.”

Phil nods, biting his lip, no doubt hiding a laugh. “Right,” he says.

“Hello?” Jaiden calls outside the bathroom door, sounding exasperated. “Dan? Phil? Somebody?”

Dan has to giggle at this, and Phil bursts into laughter. “Go, go,” Dan says, pushing Phil towards the door. “I’ll be out in a bit.”

Phil stops at the door and twists around just enough that he can press a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Okay,” he says, letting out a breath, his eyes looking a little wild. Their son has started knocking at the door now, so Phil rolls his eyes before gripping the doorknob. “Right, I’m going,” he says, still casting one last glance over at Dan before opening the door and slipping out.

Before the door closes, Dan hears Jaiden questioning him. “What took so long? Where’s daddy?”

Dan doesn’t hear all of Phil’s response before he shuts the door, and half of Dan is relieved that their child won’t be traumatized by seeing him like this. The other half of him is hysterical that Phil is the one who has to deal with lying to their child who almost caught them in a very compromising position.

Now that he’s alone, Dan gives himself a moment to reflect on everything that just happened. He made out with his best friend. That’s fine. They’ve kissed before, although Dan was obviously still in denial about what that meant to both of them. Even bigger than that, in so many ways, is the fact that Phil was about to suck his dick. He literally felt Phil’s mouth against his cock, and if they hadn’t been interrupted, he would have felt Phil’s mouth in a place he’s never felt it. He almost can’t wrap his head around it, but he’s still hard as he steps into the stream of the shower, and he can wrap his head, or his hand, around that problem.

He jerks himself off fast and hard, his mind flooded with images of Phil, Phil, Phil. He’s breathing hard and nearly choking on the steam of the water and then it’s over all too soon, all the evidence washed down the drain. Relief washes over him in waves, and for the first time in a long time, it’s not accompanied by guilt. He wasn’t a perfect man, and of course over the last few weeks he’s wanked to the thought of Phil, and every time he’s been encompassed in such guilt that he’d swear he would never do it again.

It’s impossibly relieving to not have that guilt accompany what he thinks is his best wank in months.

He washes his hair and body quickly after that, desperate to crawl into bed with Phil and talk about all of this. This day has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions but now his heart is set on clearing things up and putting his truth out there on the table. It’s terrifying to think about, absolutely nerve wracking to rehearse the words in his head as he towels himself dry and slips on some pajamas.

“I’m in love with you,” he mouths to himself in the mirror. His lips keep quirking up, making his words look almost fake as he repeats the sentiment again and again. He feels giddy, borderline deranged with excitement, as he brushes his teeth and forces down his nightly pill.

Dan’s so excited and nervous that he somehow forgets that they were very much interrupted by one of their children earlier, and it doesn’t cross his mind until he steps out of the bathroom that there might have been something wrong.

“Uh, hi,” he says dumbly, surveying the scene in front of him.

Phil and Jaiden both glance up from where they’re laying snuggled together in the bed, a book propped open in Phil’s lap as he reads quietly. Jaiden looks sleepy and adorable as he waves his little hand at Dan, and Phil looks only a little apologetic. “Hi,” Phil says with a smile.

“What’s going on here?” Dan asks, propping his hands on his hips.

Jaiden flushes, burrowing down and tugging the duvet up to his chin. “I had a bad dream. Dad said I could stay in here tonight.”

Dan glances up and Phil shrugs. He mouths, “I’m sorry,” but Dan waves him off.

“Of course, buddy. Do you need a plushy or anything from your room?” Dan asks, going to turn on Phil’s lamp and then turn off the overhead light.

Jaiden holds up a familiar stuffed lion, and Dan’s heart clenches. “Dad said I could borrow his for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” Phil reminds him softly.

Jaiden nods obediently. “I know.”

Dan crawls into bed on the other side of Jaiden, scooting in to join in on the cuddle. Phil adjusts accordingly, reaching the arm behind Jaiden’s head so that he can rest his hand at the base of Dan’s neck, stroking gently at where his hair is getting long. Their eyes meet and Dan knows that their talk will have to wait until tomorrow. That doesn’t fill him with dread, or anxiety like it used to. Instead, he feels calm, even settled, although a little impatient. It’s a good feeling.

“What’re we reading, Dad?” Dan asks, brushing Jaiden’s unruly hair back and kissing his forehead.

Phil tugs lightly at a curl at the back of Dan’s head. “We’re reading The Hobbit, Daddy,” Phil teases, his tongue poking out between his teeth in that adorable way that Dan finds so endearing.

Dan cringes at the use of the name; hearing it coming from Phil rather than their children just makes it weird and wrong. Phil knows it, of course. They both do. They both stick their tongues out at each other and giggle like schoolchildren, completely endeared with each other. And even though they can’t talk about it right now, with Jaiden complaining about them being weird and begging Phil to let Dan read all of Gandalf’s parts, Dan knows they’re going to be okay.

#phan #phanfiction #parent!au #parent!phan #foster parent #foster parent au #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #fake relationship #friends to lovers #best friends #if you don't love me pretend #iydlmp #chapter 22 #iydlmp chapter 22 #mild smut at the end #blink and you'll miss it

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