#sorry i'm not sure what i've done here
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but as a creator -
I am fine with "the audience" -
downloading my fics
printing my fics
copy/pasting or screenshotting my fics
sharing your saved copy of my fics with anyone else who might want them in the unlikely but never impossible case that my fics are no longer available on ao3
making a book of my fic(s) and running your fingers across the pages while lovingly whispering my precioussss
doing these things with anything I create for fandom, such as meta, headcanons, au nonsense like 'texts from the brodinsons,' etc
I am not fine with "the audience"
doing any of the above with the purpose/intent of plagiarizing my work or passing it off as their own in any capacity
feeding my work into ai for any reason whatsoever
Save the fandom things. Preserve the fandom things. Respect the fandom things.
Enjoy the fandom things.
#fanfic#ao3#archive of our own#fandom things#tumblr things#i may have said this at some point#i'm sure i have#but whatever - just in case#i don't say this with the presumption that i'm so amazing and people are clamoring to save my fics#but just if anyone is so inclined that's all#ftr i don't intend on ever removing my fics from ao3 or deleting fandom things from this blog#i've always shared my fandom things with the intent of keeping them shared bc that's the whole point of posting#but the fandom atmosphere and ao3 constantly being under attack who knows what can happen#not that this applies to anyone but should all else fail you can also reach out to me and i will personally give you a copy#at least of fics bc i save everything#not so much the tumblr things but this is a good reminder to myself that i should do that for the things i care about#that i've made or done and only posted here#anyway sorry i have now used up my quota of the putting words into sentences doing for today#i have plans to stare into the void now
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tranny freak :)
#Negativity#Transphobia#I don't know what to tell you buddy I'm not sure what your goal is here#I am genuinely so much happier like this#Figuring out that I'm a tranny freak has been the absolute best thing ever#All the loved ones who I've come out to have been so welcoming and supportive#I get to experiment with my appearance like I haven't done since my punk days in highschool#And I've always been a weirdo so freak isn't even hurtful that's been a point of pride for decades#What made you want to hurt a stranger buddy#What are you going through#Are you gonna read this and scoff cause I took a troll sincerely#Why are you so afraid of genuine connection#Why are you scared of people#Are you happy with your life right now#Do you like yourself#How much time do you spend doing this#Do you think the negativity might be getting to you#How much time do you spend feeling repulsed scornful and annoyed towards others that you gotta do something about it#I'm really sorry#I used to be a similar kinda angry and that shit taints everything#Idk man I just hope you can see the joy in things someday#There's so much cool and exciting stuff you can find when you start looking for happiness and good intentions#Kinda sad that you're missing out
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1/3 of the way done of this last page, then I can finally post it all o|-<
#blabbering#idk who even cares or knows what I'm talking about; but I just wanna talk about what's on my mind somewhere; even if it's to no one#I just haven't had much confidence in art or gaming prowess lately; but I'm still trying#I mean I haven't had much to begin with; but it's just tanked worse lately bc I'm probably just burnt out from work and need a break#I just wanna do fun stuff with friends; but I'm constantly plagued with conflicting schedules (aka the quintessential adult experience lol)#but at least after I'm done this thing I meant to do simply and quickly (but wound up taking way longer than I thought) I'll be happy#i just can't make myself really do anything else until it was done bc it would keep looming over my head and I need it done for reasons#at least tomorrow is a nice short day in the timeframe I like; so I'll be in higher spirits#lol sorry I've been complaining so much lately alskjdflsf. I just don't have anyone to talk to about random stuff on my mind lakjdlf#anywho bed time and then short shift and then FREE FOR THE WEEKEND + Friday :catjam:#also I think I have seasonal allergies again (no idea what from lol)#and i also stubbed my toe multiple times last week and it's still a bit swollen and hurts to put pressure on one part (bone bruise maybe)#my life is an exciting adventure that's for sure (I guess yesterday absolutely counts for negating my sarcasm here lmao whoops)
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I hope you blink before I do (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#DAX#Blood#Fuck you *reinjects romance into your song about love-lost*#It's the ''I want to be the one to lay you to rest'' of it all#Or if not that then at least to be the last one suffering#See him off - make sure he goes knowing that he's not alone#I'm Fine just Don't Look at me and I'll Be Fine#Schrödinger's Fine lol - I am simultaneously Fine and Not Fine until I am observed#I simply subsist largely off of angst and then whatever small scrap of comfort that can be coaxed from there hehe#I am very mean to them considering how much I want them to be happy lol#Honestly I think what would be meaner is seeing ZEX off and then somehow DAX survives alone#Night ends just as he's about to blink out and oops you're still stuck here sorry about that <3#But I wouldn't do that to them would I?#:3c#I also think it's interesting that I started doodling this before I actually read ZEX's death - I finished it after but still!#Does he just give off gutted vibes? Canonically he's eviscerated so#And not just in the eye way - in this case it's enucleation#Did you come here for eye removal surgery puns? I don't see why you'd expect anything different *b'dm tss*#I've done way more research on eye removal than I ever expected to but now those two terms will be forever seared into my mind haha#Hhh ZEX's death was very affecting to me ;; I'll talk about it more with its accompanying doodle but really 💔#I wanted an honourable death for him - and if not that then a death where he wasn't alone - and if not that then to rest#He got one of the three ;;
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not to beat a dead horse but jesus christ can you just leave people alone in public bathrooms i just want to fucking piss girl i'm so tired of feeling anxious and trying to avoid using public bathrooms because of how fucking weird cis people are about it. i tried to go into the bathroom at work today (i have worked here for years) and this woman who has worked here for two weeks and doesn't know me laughed and tried to like. steer me in the direction of the men's toilet instead and was like "wrong way!" are you fucking kidding me fuck off
#i have worked in this building for years. i know where the fucking bathroom is#like i'm sorry but cis people just don't want me in any bathroom at this point. i can't fucking win#i'm not kidding you i didn't really think that people in real life would actually make a fuss over who is in the bathroom#but at uni specifically i have had A LOT of people in the womens bathroom awkwardly tell me “uh i think you're in the wrong bathroom haha”#they're not even doing it in an antagonistic way it's like they genuinely think i've walked into the wrong one#and it makes ME feel like a creep or like i've done something wrong#like you guys are the ones that insist i should be in this bathroom !!!! but then i go in there and get told i'm in the wrong one !!!!#it's one of the few things that never fails to make me feel anxious and sad because it's a fucking bathroom it shouldn't be a big deal#why am i being made to feel like i've done something wrong when i'm just trying to exist here like everyone else#and you know what. it doesn't matter how i identify right. because i've actually done nothing to intentionally masculanise my appearance#like the entire time i've been out. i had short hair before i came out and i dressed this way before i came out#i have not done anything to try and Look Like A Man or Look Cis. i just have masc bone structure NATURALLY#so for all you know i could just be a woman with short hair ????? and you're telling me i don't belong in here because of that ??#like sure i'm NOT a woman with short hair but my point is you literally cannot tell the difference#so just leave people alone
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Testing you guys to see what you think of me..🤔
#I know some of you may think it's “absurd” or idk but that's what I sometimes think you guys think of me#and to be sure. I wanted to do this poll to see if I'm right or wrong#also- please be sincere. what counts here are not exactly the votes but your sincerity. okay?#so try your best to just vote on what you really think of me.#and if don't have any of the options of what do you think of me. say it in the comments or reblogs that also counts! <3#(this is just a test. also- I really have no content and I wanted something to post so.. that's why I'm doing this anddd#I really wanted to know what you think of me. I have great insecurity about whether or not I'm someone you like or don't like and.. anyways#I just wanted to know <3)#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog#not an art post#vent? not really#my polls#(I don't know if I've ever done that. but if so. sorry but I'll do it again qjbzjsbd)#mel creator#mel loly
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.
And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.
I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.
But do you know what I found?
I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,
I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.
Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:
I was worth talking to when I was quiet.
I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.
So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.
You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.
(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)
#original#social anxiety#autism#that one post#actually autistic#self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally.#social skills#socially awkward#socially anxious#autistic positivity#autism positivity#like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person#this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!'#which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but#genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think#people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that#it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are#acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice.#being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong#and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say#actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me.#i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol#like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary#doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do.#side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣.#like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me#I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY#I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing!#note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written.#tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD
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me trying to stroll thru the ted nivison tag on tumblr for some sick art X READER, IMAGINE, OTHER THINGS I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF EVEN THO IT'S QUITE LITERATLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME XDD
#No shade btw I get it#look. I was on mcyt wattpad as a small small SMALL child and I mean FUCKING TINY#and I get it!#Where are the fanartist tho I want art grrrrr#do I have to do everything myself#anyways guys can u tell that maybe i've found myself in a new yt fixation.... erm#like 4 chuckle sandwich podcasts and a barbie movie review and i'm in the trenches#seriously though i do think that most of it is stemming from my video creation fixation#i blame school coming up#SCHLATTS MONKEY VIDEOW???? Beautiful editing i want to edit like that#don't know the editor off the top of my head sorry#i'm going crazy over video creation honestly and they're my vessels (This is very hyperbole)#snazum talks#I have an idea cooking btw.... maybe I'll share it here when i'm done but otherwise i'm gonna be tight lipped about it :)#if ur a mootie/friend tho feel free to ask me in dms :D I can't help but want to ramble bout it#I may be a little shy though since it's not embarrasing per say but i also don't like talking bout it that much#It's nothing serious it's actually the most not serious thing ever but i feel like a bragging bitch when i talk about it so i don't#but also i want to talk about it. cause the subject matter isn't even what i'm proud about it's the idea of how to present it that is#this is so vague i'm so sorry i started fucking rambling in these tags jesus christ#why am i like this ANYWAYS YEAH BYE#EDIT: okay but tbf back to the original point i didn't think this shit would be main tagged?#I find it usually isn't when it comes to rpf stuff but what do i know#all i know is 2012/2014....#the trenches dude.#u don't want to see my old art it contains so many terrible terrible youtubers#I sure know how to pick em#i think the amount i ramble in tags really really represents my adhdness#i got fucking diagnosed and i'm scared to say that i'm just gonna say my quirkyness
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hmmm getting in my head a little bit about some issues i'm already seeing in my first draft that ik i'll need to confront in my second draft. but i genuinely just have to be like *sprays my overcritical mind w a spray bottle* no!!!!! let me finish the first draft first!!!!!!
#she bork#idk i think i'm getting ahead of myself bc again. work that is this consistent and like structurally solid is new and scary to me bc like#the greater the potential for a payoff the greater the potential for a fumble. the stakes are higher. while never being able to finish#anything was torturous in its own way it was easy in the sense that i never had to confront the idea of like 'what if i finish it and polish#the fuck out of it to the absolute furthest extent of my experience and ability . .. and it's still not good enough.' it was always just#like 'aw shucks! i've run out of steam once again. if only i could see something through to the end i could write the next great american#novel i just know it :/ ah well. try again next week!' but now nothing is in my way whatsoever so i'm like aw fuck that is so scary like if#nothing comes of this project it will be My Fault. also sorry this is all i have spoken about on here for like a month but i'm STILL not#done yapping about it and you all are my captive audience and WILL be forced to listen to each and every thought i have about this wip.#sorry but too bad#anyway once again offering that if anyone is curious about this wip i am open to questions or discussion. one thing about me (which i'm sure#y'all know by now) is that i LOVE. to yap#novel 2024
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fwiw cohost.org doesn't rly use an algorithm, is worker-owned with good ethics, has a chronological timeline and also allows nudity/nsfw content unambiguously 👍 they draw their inspo from a few other socmed sites but i see enough elements that tumblr has to feel like I'm rly gonna like it there once my account's been fully activated.
i don't think it's large scale, but it could be :3 would also like tumblr to see they're bleeding users and that good alternatives DO exist actually.
cohost has a 1-2 day activation period before u can actually start posting but ur still free to like and follow in the meantime.
An open letter to @staff
I already submitted this to Support under "Feedback," but I'm sharing it here too as I don't expect it to get a response, and I feel like putting in out in public may be more effective than sending it off into the void.
The recent post on the Staff blog about changing tumblr to an algorithmic feed features a large amount of misinformation that I feel staff needs to address, openly and honestly, with information on where this data was sourced at the very least.
Claim 1: Algorithms help small creators.
This is false, as algorithms are designed to push content that gets engagement in order to get it more engagement, thereby assuring that the popular remain popular and the small remain small except in instances of extreme luck.
This can already be seen on the tumblr radar, which is a combination of staff picks (usually the same half-dozen fandoms or niche special interests like Lego photography) which already have a ton of engagement, or posts that are getting enough engagement to hit the radar organically. Tumblr has an algorithm that runs like every other socmed algorithm on the planet, and it will decimate the reach of small creators just like every other platform before it.
Claim 2: Only a small portion of users utilize the chronological feed.
You can find a poll by user @darkwood-sleddog here that at the time of writing this, sits at over 40 THOUSAND responses showing that over 96 percent of them use the chronological feed. Claiming otherwise isn't just a misstatement, it's a lie. You are lying to your core userbase and expecting them to accept it as fact. It's not just unethical, it's insulting to people who have been supporting your platform for over a decade.
Claim 3: Tumblr is not easy to use.
This is also 100% false and you ABSOLUTELY know it. Tumblr is EXTREMELY easy to use, the issue is that the documentation, the explanations of features, and often even the stability of the service is subpar. All of this would be very easy for staff to fix, if they would invest in the creation of walkthroughs and clear explanations of how various site features work, as well as finally fixing the search function. Your inability to explain how your service works should not result in completely ignoring the needs and wants of your core long-term userbase. The fact that you're more willing to invest in the very systems that have made every other form of social media so horrifically toxic than in trying to make it easier for people to use the service AS IT WORKS NOW and fixing the parts that don't work as well speaks volumes toward what tumblr staff actually cares about.
You will not get a paycheck if your platform becomes defunct, and the thing that makes it special right now is that it is the ONLY large-scale socmed platform on THE ENTIRE INTERNET with a true chronological feed and no aggressive algorithmic content serving. The recent post from staff indicates that you are going to kill that, and are insisting that it's what we want. It is not. I'd hazard to guess that most of the dev team knows it isn't what we want, but I assume the money people don't care. The user base isn't relevant, just how much money they can bring in.
The CEO stated he wanted this to remain as sort of the last bastion of the Old Internet, and yet here we are, watching you declare you intend to burn it to the ground.
You can do so much better than this.
Response to the Update
Under the cut for readability, because everything said above still applies.
I already said this in a reblog on the post itself, but I'm adding it to this one for easy access: people read it that way because that's what you said.
Staff considers the main feed as it exists to be "outdated," to the point that you literally used that word to describe it, and the main goals expressed in this announcement is to figure out what makes "high-quality content" and serve that to users moving forward.
People read it that way because that is what you said.
#i am shouting this from the rooftops every time it comes up#i have looked at other sites and don't like any of them. cohost feels like the thing people have been crying out for for years.#like#idk. I don't think I've been this hype to join anything new in like a decade lol.#but also bc it's just been that long since i saw something and immediately vibed with it. except maybe discord but That's Different#also sorry to my followers for bringing it up a lot today 💀 most of it is just a repeatedly scheduled post but!!#i want to see y'all on there. or at least add each other on discord (〒﹏〒) but yeah#im actively trying to direct ppl to cohost so i can get my lil circle of mutuals established ( ◜‿◝ )♡#i also am just actually genuinely excited about it based on everything they've said abt themselves so I want more tumblr folk to know!#I'd say right now they're closer to what tumblr is than tumblr itself will become in like a year's time#and i rly hope they take off and have vibrant communities. im sure they're getting hella signups between tumblr n twitter though#which is funny 😭 like tumblr!!! u had it SO easy!! other sites offered up users on a silver platter all you had to do was not fuck up.#u could've done NOTHING and come out ahead. but alas >.> as a regular user i Am trying to taper off of using tumblr#but am still here bc I'm not fully situated elsewhere (yet) and this is still where most of my mutuals that i care abt r at (〒﹏〒)
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Last thing I expected to do today was spend 10 minutes arguing with my grandma over a cat that's been dead for nearly a decade and yet here we are
#I'm sorry but if the woman who took her in after we moved is saying that she spent ages treating her for chronic bronchitis#after you and mom decided to keep her on the balcony in all kinds of weather instead of looking after the kids#and making sure they don't provoce the cat not eat out of her bowl#then I'm sure as fuck gonna believe that over your assurances that a cat spending winters on an unheated balcony is fine. actually#'oh please what does Marina know??'#um. EVERYTHING??? again she's the one who treated the poor thing and managed her alive for another 4-5 years#I'm taking her word over someone who never gave a damn about animals. thank you very much#this is such a sore topic for me apparently. animal cruelty at its finest and it seems like no one cares#they all just think that my auntie is trying to make them look bad and it's actually her fault the cat was sick#this family is so fucking infuriating#stormcloud I am so so sorry. you deserved so much better than being adopted into this fucking family#at least Marina loved her. she and my uncle may not be saints but they are a step above my mom and grandma in my eyes#if for no other reason than them treating Stormcloud with some basic human decency#no idea where this rant came from. but I can't voice it to anyone else so I'm putting it here#I feel like I should write a poem or something#I've never done anything of the sort but apparently there are some unprocessed feelings here that I should probably work through#idk. we'll see. I have to make it home from grandma's first
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The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.
I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.
And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!
We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.
There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.
Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.
Except...
I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.
I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.
The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.
Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".
There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.
And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.
His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.
I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.
That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.
I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.
Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.
Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.
If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.
It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.
I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.
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Part Five
Can't stop thinking about the attempt of reconciliation and reader ain't having it. Our girl is going to be wilddddd y'all. Also goodnight. See y'all tomorrow (maybe)
You call Meredith when you get home.
You. Are. Fuming. She's not sure she can ever remember a time you using so many swear words at one time.
How fucking dare them? Immature? You're the immature one? You were the one trying your best to salvage four failing relationship meanwhile none of those assholes could be bothered to try and keep one. They had one person to manage: you.
"I wanna go out this weekend." "Wear something tight and borderline risk indecent exposure."
"You know what I always say," Meredith begins. "The best way to get over someone-"
"is to get under someone else." You finish. You weren't exactly keen on the idea of bringing someone to your bed just yet, but a little attention would do you some good. "I don't want to fuck someone just yet." You admitted. "I'm more on the getting drunk and making out."
"I didn't know we resorted back secondary school heavy petting?" She teased.
"University, Dear." You corrected. "I didn't peak until after I graduated."
"No." She argued. "You didn't put your books down long enough to realize that boys actually wanted to fuck you." You were glad she couldn't see you roll your eyes. "Saturday work for you? I have a late night Friday and won't be up for it."
"That works."
"Sorry." She apologized. "I plan on getting you absolutely smashed so I need to be ready to play the nanny. I know how you love to get drunk and run off."
It was true. You had always found it hilarious when you were drunk to just run. Quite literally run away. It got to a point during university where Meredith would handcuff you to her so you didn't stray.
"I won't run." Your sober mind promised.
"Uh huh." Meredith's tone told you that she knew that was a load of shit. "I'll text Tabs. Let her know the plan."
The next day at the shop was pretty uneventful. No more unexpected visitors. You still had them all blocked. Not caring if now they decided to offer up some bullshit apology.
Months. This had been a steady decline for six months. A text or a simply sorry won't fix this. You weren't sure anything could.
But it didn't matter. You were done and they obviously were too.
You had picked up enough take out to feed a family, but you didn't plan on making your lunch before work or cooking when you got home. The rest of the week you planned on just going through the motions until you could go out Saturday and hopefully get everything out.
You weren't paying attention as you walked down the hallway to your flat. Fishing in your purse for keys. You were at almost at your door when you saw him.
Sitting next to your door was a familiar face. A face you felt you haven't seen in forever.
“What are you doing here, Kyle?" Your voice was flat as you continued to blindly try and find your keys with one hand. Fuck. You really need to clean out your purse...
“My key wouldn’t work.” He explained. "So I’m out here.”
"I'm aware why you're not in my apartment since I changed the locks," you said, trying to keep your irritation at bay. "What I am asking is why did you come here?"
"You won't return any of our messages."
"You're all blocked, so technically I didn't really get any messages." "Besides, you don't get to complain to me about not responding to texts, Kyle Garrick." Your fingers finally wraps around them. God bless. "If you're here for your things, it'll have to wait. I have to sort through everyone's shit and I don't know whose is whose."
"We need to talk." He explains as you put the key into the lock, opening the door.
"Nah," you say scrunching your nose in that way he used to adore. "I'm good. But you can swing by tomorrow and pick up your things if you'd like." You say before trying to shut the door on him. You were stupid in thinking you could be faster than him.
Dammit.
"I know things haven't been good and I've definitely could have been better,'' he admits. "But can you at least try and let us apologize? Let us try and work it out."
"No." You answered, trying to close the door. Not caring if you had to resort to kicking his shins to get him out.
"Why not?" He countered.
“Maybe because I've already tried, Kyle?” You gave up on trying to shut him out. You were strong, but he didn't have any issues in besting you. “Because I actually tried with you. With all of you. You didn’t need to come here giving me excuses about your life being hectic because I’ve made the excuses for you.” You didn't miss how he practically flinched. He had always blamed his busy life. Family. Work. You stopped caring about whatever excuse he gave you and realized it was just that. An excuse. “I’ve been telling myself for months that everything you guys didn’t do for me wasn’t because you didn’t care about me. It was because of the stress of your deployments is the reason none of you tell me when you get back from until it’s time to fuck. I tell myself it’s because of the fucked up situation of me being with all of you that makes it awkward to meet your families. Families you all have that I now know I’m not worthy of meeting.” He wanted to correct you. You were. You were worthy. He was an idiot. “It’s not that I need your excuses to make me feel like what you did was justified. No matter what it was, it was apparently to you because you did it.”
He took a step back, processing everything you had said. He had been selfish. You were the reliable constant in his life. Someone he believed he never disappointed. Someone he couldn't disappoint no matter how many times he fucked up.
You took the opportunity to slam the door. Quickly turning the lock before he had a chance to open it back up.
God...
That felt good.
You had spent that evening collecting their thing in case Kyle did show back up tomorrow. You wouldn't make their lives easier by sorting all their shit and organizing it. Everything. One box. Let them figure it out. You almost had a mind to add a shirt that you knew didn't belong to any of them just to have them argue over it. Or least make them think there was someone else...
You were almost tempted if not for the premise that you wanted them to realize this was their fault. Their fuck up. But now that you were officially all broken up, you were free game.
#captain john price#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#call of duty#john soap mactavish#angst with a happy ending#angst#grovel#jealousy
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You are not Special- DC X DP Prompt
Interdimensional God-like beings are not known for their patience, however it looked like they had gotten lucky.
This being that had been summoned against its will to their universe was actually quite calm. They sat back on a makeshift throne made by the cultists that had brought them here. Its body was the form of a young man draped in silk. He paid little mind to the cult bowing and scraping at his feet as he absentmindedly examined his nails for anything under them. They were as pristine as his marble-like form.
"You know cults get a bad reputation in these modern times." He said not looking up at the heroes who had invaded his sanctuary intent on sealing him away. "Not without cause of course. But not every cult is evil. As oxymoronic as that sounds. But it used to mean a group of people devoted to their god of choice, no different than any other religion except they lived solely to dedicate their lives to it. No tricks or schemes, just beliefs. None of that sacrifice or blood here though. I like cleanliness and a good batch of dessert for my alters."
"We aren't here to give your offerings." Batman said simply.
The teen stretched lazily and shrugged.
"You are free to just pray, take a rest, eat, or do whatever you want."
"You don't belong here. You must return to your own realm." Superman said fimly but cordially.
The cultists panicked as they looked between their god and the heroes. Some had disdain etched on their faces others had sadness.
"Don't belong? I do what I want. Who are you people to tell ME what to do? Do you own this planet? This universe?" The god challenged.
"We are the protectors of this planet. Surely you understand that we can't let you stay here using humans like servants." Superman retorted.
Constantine had a bad feeling about what came next as he got between everyone to speak.
"Sorry, forgive him. We don't want to offend. It's just that our universe has had enough beings like you causing issues in the past. We are a bit exhausted because every major event seems to hit our planet. We are a bit defensive."
The teens's lip curled.
"Do you think you are the only planet with such woes? How conceited. What you believe that your little planet is so special that it is the only one subject to the powers of beings you can't control? As we speak there a thousands of beings influencing this world that have a bigger effect than what I'm currently doing. Are you tired of being the playthings of the universe? Bah! The universe doesn't care one bit what goes on on this little planet over the billions of planets in this universe. You are no more special than a bit of algae on a frozen world." The teen sneered.
"But that doesn't change the fact that we would like one less threat to deal with," Batman said as Constantine tried to shut him up. "Even if you do not care about humans, we care what you can do to us."
"A good point but I never said I didn't care. I'm actually fond of humans but no more fond of them than any other lifeforms. There are billions of aliens in this universe alone. But not one is special because all life is special. Not one is better. But any damage I could possibly do to you could easily be done by the many unseen gods of this realm. These beings have built this world from those that actively created it, ignore it, and those that don't even realize it exists. Could you believe that your own creator doesn't know you are there? It's actually very common."
"You're dodging the question and talking in circles. We just want you to leave." Batman sighed irritably.
"You keep telling me to leave. I have just arrived but I've also always been here. Is this how you greet me?" The teen crossed his arms.
"Are you a god of this world?" Wonder Woman stepped forward this time. "You dress like that of a Roman god."
"Do you like it? I got it from Rome a few thousand years ago."
Well, he never failed to turn something into a compliment, that's for sure.
"But that's a complicated question. If you're asking if I made your universe then, no. If your asking if it exists because of me then, yes. It exists because I do. It's my nature. So I'm not a god. I'm a law of nature." The boy leaned back and kicked his feet childishly.
"You look like a kid." Clark blurted.
"Well... you're right. But you didn't have to point it out." He pouted.
"I mean, you just look...like a person. Not a force of nature." Clark quickly corrected.
"I look like what you can perceive me as. Can't ask a two-dimensional creature to understand three dimensions. Think of me as an anthropomorphic personification of a concept." The teen stood up finally and walked around his bowing worshippers.
"And what are you?" Batman said stiffly as the boy reached him.
"I am the Void. The absence of force or untethered space and infinite possibilities. A place of raw unprocessed energy. So if I exist then a tethered space with one string of possibilities exists. Think string theory." The boy laughed.
"Wait, I know what you are. You're an Ancient, an Endless. I thought I'd get a break from your lot after Morphosis." Constantine said.
The group turned to Constantine in surprise, not surprised that he knew what the kid was but that he had done this before.
"Look, kid. Your lot don't show themselves often. Especially not in front of so many people. You'd usually lay low among mortals." Constantine said suspicious of the young Endless. "Do the others know you are playing around?"
The teen presses his lips together. He glares like someone has ruined his game.
"Should I try summoning them and ask." Constantine smirked, he knew he found his in.
"You wouldn't." He frowned.
"I would." Constantine said "Unless you want to go home on your own."
The boy tried to protest but a portal opened on its own and a hand reached out grabbing the boy by the ear.
"What are you doing in the mortal realm this time?! I told you to focus on fixing the timelines not playing god like a child!" The voice boomed.
"But Clockwork-" The teen whined as he was dragged through the portal "I was just pulling a prank. I swear!"
The boy's voice was muffled and distant as he got to the other side. Then the prtal closed and it was over.
The room went silent.
"He was right. There is nothing special about any life form over another. But that also means he is no different than a human child and held to the same standards." Constantine said lighting a cigarette before leaving the ruins. "You can handle the rest right?"
#dc x dp#dpxdc#dc x dp prompt#dp x dc prompt#danny fenton#batman#superman#wonder woman#john constantine#bruce wayne#clark kent#diana prince#dp clockwork#clockwork
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orion, casseieopa, sea that has become known <3
Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry about how late this is.
Orion - What is one skill that you would love to master?
There are so many... if I had to pick one skill, I guess I would say communicating with people and maintaining friendships, because those are important to me and I like to feel secure in my relationships. There are so many things that I want to learn, though, ugh. I wish I could translate Latin more easily and eventually reach a point where I can read and speak(ish) it fluently.
Cassiopeia - What is your dream future?
I really want to be a lawyer, specifically criminal defense (specifically for groups that are disproportionately/unfairly prosecuted). I wouldn't mind studying classics and being an anthropologist or historian though or something sociology-related or writing. Anyway, I want to live in a major city with my best friend and my cats, and I want to be really involved in my community both for community service and just for being a Regular in my area. I also kind of want to get a PhD. I'm not sure what in, but if I ever have the time, money, and motivation, like... elementary school me really wanted a PhD and I want to do that for her.
Sea That Has Become Known - What do you want to be famous for?
Oh, I don't know. I'm honestly not sure that I want to be famous, but if I had to be famous for something, I would want it to be something like... really big with civil rights or reforming the American prison system (or y'know completely scrapping it). I think I'd rather be remembered in my small community than famous, though.
#ask tag#dante dicit#sorry if my writing tone here was somewhat depressing i'm in a weird mood#i really do wanna do law though and help people and like... fix things#i specifically got into law through a forensic science class that i took#bc my teacher showed us a lot about how fucked the criminal justice system is and i wasn't really sure what i wanted to do#like i wanted to be a writer but i was kinda like 'yeah im probs not gonna be successful like that'#and tbh i don't want to have to do my hobby for money#however i *am* a good writer and i can be very persuasive and i think i'm pretty good at advocating for people#and i was like 'law seems cool bc it aligns with my skills and interests and i can do something good with it'#my only concern was the public speaking but then i took a public speaking class and i am actually#great at public speaking and i fucking enjoy it a lot#and uh don't tell anyone but i think the lsat is actually realllly fun i've done some practice lsat questions and they're! logic puzzles!#dante digreditur#also actually thank you so much for this ask bc thinking abt why i wanna do law is making me feel better abt#college apps and shit
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