#sorry i disappeared u know how it is with depression

[buriedwisteria]

*stumbles into the room very disheveled and holding a handful of paper, fresh from the grips of seasonal depression still depressed but ready and able to write again*

new chapter!

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[yanosdiary]

Me not being fazed by a bad mark, not realizing that its a bad thing:

Aben: *looks at my mark, pats back in sympathy*

Me: ???

Also me: fuck, am i that useless?

[lovelettersfromluna]

Not Strong Enough

Summary: Rule number 1 of being best friends with a vampire. Never let them drink your blood.

an: I HEAR YOU ALL YELLING AT ME IM SORRY!! This took entirely too long to get to you guys, but it’s here now! Better late than never right?? Is this heavily inspired by twilight? Yes. Did I use a BoyGenius song as the title? It’s lesbian smut, obviously. Is Ellie going to be a brooding depressed vampire? Oh hell yeah. I hope you all like this! I’m a slut for anything supernatural so this was obvi very fun for me to write. As always, love you all so so much! Thanks for reading 🤍

Warnings: SMUT!!, MDNI!!, scissoring (if ur mad I’m doing another scissoring fic….idk what to tell you it’s hot), messy kissing, Ellie bites reader (outside of blood sucking), mentions of marking, mentions of bruises, mentions of blood, Ellie is kind of insufferable for a small bit but I promise it gets better, please lmk if I missed anything!

Read part 1 here!!

Ellie knew it was a bad idea from the very beginning.

She knew that she was too weak for you, even outside of sucking your blood. You were too fucking good for her, too much of a dream for Ellie to go and fuck up like she did.

Truth be told, Ellie expected all of it. She expected to get utterly addicted to you, she expected the blurred lines of your relationship to become even more blurred when she began sucking you dry of your life source, she even expected herself to lose control when she was in the act, humping and grinding your soft body like a wild fucking animal as if she had no control over herself.

She expected all of it, every single aspect that came with the territory, she knew was coming.

But the hardest part of it all? Was leaving you completely.

Because she knew the moment she felt herself lose control while she was on top of you that night in your apartment, she knew she needed to leave you. She needed to abandon you and your friendship for the greater good, for your sake.

Ellie knew that she wasn’t good for you, and you weren’t good for her. But that didn’t make the pain of not seeing you any less.

She thought she’d be able to do it at first, but the texts from you only reminded her of how much she loved your company, how obsessed she was with simply being around you.

She wound frown every time her phone went off, a low groan leaving her lips when she lifted it up to look at her screen, only to see it was from you.

Ellieeeeee

Where are you?

Haven’t seen u in the longest :((

Ellie can practically hear your pout in the way you text her. She knows you too well, and she knows that you aren’t handling her sudden disappearance well.

At this point, it’s been about two months since Ellie has seen you last? Maybe three? She stopped keeping count because it was driving her insane. It wasn’t even the blood supply that she missed, Ellie would go hungry ten times over, dying from starvation if it meant she could be around you without feeling she was robbing you of your life, ruining things that you were meant to experience because she was too fucking selfish.

Ellie misses you, and it pains her that she hasn’t been able to have you in so long.

Well…not entirely at least. She knew she’d lose her mind entirely if she couldn’t at least be around you for a few moments, so her usual nighttime visits become a bit more frequent when she decides she can’t be around you anymore. She’s a lot more careful when she does it though, knowing how sensitive you were to her presence. It was almost unbelievable how easily you’d woken up to her in your room in the past. She doesn’t know how she’d explain things if you woke up now, not having seen her in so long. So she’s extra aware of how much noise she makes.

Seeing you sleep is almost enough to keep Ellie’s demons at bay, the ones that screamed for you, yearned for you to be by her side, to have your warm skin pressed against her much colder one.

As per usual, she’s scaling up the brick wall of your apartment building, making her way up to your bedroom like thief in the night. You continue to leave your window open every night, and it breaks Ellie’s heart because she knows you’re doing it for her, most likely hoping she slips into your window as she usually does.

It means Ellie needs to be even more careful than she anticipated.

She doesn’t even dare to sit on your bed, standing in the corner of your room as she watches your chest rise and fall. She doesn’t even breathe, scared that the sound of it will wake you.

And she desperately wants to reach out and let her fingers run along your soft skin, desperate for the feeling that you always brought her when you’re near. It makes her fists balk at her sides as she practically itches to feel you, fighting back any and every thought that she had to touch you, if even for a moment.

But she doesn’t. Instead, he stays with you just before the sun rises. She knows it’s risky, and she knows she shouldn’t do it in the event that you wake up and see her. Even if she’s fast enough to dart out of your room before you can even call her name or turn the lights on, you’re too smart for that. You’d know what was happening before she can even begin to gaslight you into thinking it was simply a dream.

She can’t help herself, not when it comes to you. Seeing you sleep satisfies the burning feeling in her chest, the one that yearns so desperately for you, it’s enough to make her knees weak. It’s almost like you’re capable of evoking the same feelings she had when she was a human, when she was weak and stupid and felt nervous around women. Until you showed up, Ellie hadn’t experienced those feelings in a long time, she’d almost forgotten about them.

You always remind her though.

Like when she’s about to leave you, knowing she’s cutting it too close to the time you’re going to wake up and start your day. Her footsteps are practically silence, even against the old, creaky floorboards of your apartment.

She’s almost out of your window, one leg outside as she plants her foot against the fire escape when she hears it. You began mumbling in your sleep, tossing a bit, clearly bothered by whatever dream you were having. While this should’ve been the clearest sign for Ellie to leave as quickly as possible before your eyes opened a bit to see her, she doesn’t. Instead, she stays sat on your window sill, simply watching as you turn to face her, eyes still closed as you pout in your sleep.

If Ellie had a heart that was still beating, she’s sure it would’ve stopped. Because suddenly your mumbling is just clear enough for her to hear.

“Ellie….” You sigh out softly, barely loud enough for the undead girl to hear, but she does. Regardless of the city waking up below her, or the sound of your ceiling fan creaking about, she hears it. It makes her frown deeply, swallowing back the intense whimper that threatens to escape and echo throughout your room.

She isn’t sure if she’s ever left your room so quickly, the girls eyes going wide as she made the familiar path down the side of your building to your side walk.

Even when she got home that night, the vampire practically breaking the front door down of her apartment to get in, she couldn’t get the sound of your voice uttering her name so sweetly, calling out for her even in the depths of sleep that you were in, tugged so deeply by your dreams, you were still calling out for her.

Ellie knew that night, that she had to stay away from her. For both your sake, and her own.

And she’s right, because you were suffering just as much as Ellie was.

Ellie’s presence was always scarce, and while it bothered you a bit before you learned what she was, it made sense. She was a creature of the night, something that seemingly only existed in storybooks, coming to life and living the strange lifestyle that she did.

But you knew immediately that this was different.

The morning after you saw Ellie last left a bitter taste in your mouth. As you woke up that morning, your neck sore with the bruises of Ellie’s lips on your skin, body far too drained and tired even after a night of a sleep that was just a bit too deep. It was similar to almost all the times Ellie had drank from you the night prior.

So, why did you feel so bad that morning?

You knew that you didn’t owe Ellie anything, that you were the one to suggest this in the first place, so there truly wasn’t any room for you to be upset for reasons unknown. What were you even supposed to say to her? That you had a weird feeling? One that you desperately wanted her to relieve by telling you it was all okay?

As much as you wanted to, you knew things between you and Ellie weren’t like that.

You were her friend. You were just her friend, and as much as you wanted more, you knew deep down that if Ellie truly wanted you that way, she would’ve made you she’s a long time ago.

And maybe that’s what bothers you the most when this little dry spell occurs, because the sudden lack of her presence leaves you entirely too much time to dwell on things, wondering what it was that you did wrong, what you could have possibly said to create this sudden rift between the two of you.

Ellie had always been flirtatious, flashing that pretty smile in your direction that made you weak in the knees, calling you sweet names that made your heart beat faster. She was practically dangling it all right in front of your face, the frequent touches, the late night visits at the foot of your bed, all this time when you have her the benefit of the doubt, chalking it all up to her simply wanting to see you and nothing more than that, suddenly made no sense to you.

With time came confusion, and with confusion came anger, desperate to understand why she left you, what you had done to possibly make her so scarce so suddenly. And once the third month had hit without seeing Ellie, you were furious, feeling as though you had one choice and one choice only.

To find Ellie, and get the answers from her yourself.

You don’t go to Ellie’s apartment, not usually at least.

Ellie always told you she liked hanging out at your place, going on and on about how warm and cozy it was being there. She’d never admit it to you because she didn’t want you to think she was a freak, but being in a place that smelled so heavily like you made her brain go absolutely insane.

You’ve been there maybe a handful of times, sometimes heading to her place after a night out, or even stopping by whenever you were in the neighborhood. Bottom line was, your apartment was the designated hang out spot for you and Ellie.

Regardless though, you remember how to get there like it’s written on the back of your hand. You thought about Ellie’s apartment a lot, loving how much the space reflected her. You always wished you had the chance to stay there more often.

You can’t think about that though, not now. Not when you’re storming down the expensive halls of her complex down to her door, and landing a heavy fist on the door. All you can truly care about now, is seeing Ellie and demanding an explanation for her sudden disappearance.

And it’s all so unlike you, so out of your character. If it was anyone else, you’d let it go, giving yourself a few days to sulk before forgetting about it all together and simply moving on. Maybe it’s because it’s Ellie, and maybe it’s because you feel a tad bit used after being her personal buffet for the last few times you’d been around her, just for her to up and leave.

It’s most definitely that. You just don’t want to admit it in fears of sounding selfish.

You land another firm knock on her door when she doesn’t answer in time, feeling yourself grow angrier as the moments pass.

Soon, she’s finally opening the door. The image of her nearly takes your breath away.

Because Ellie always looks beautiful, perhaps it’s the fact that you haven’t seen her in some time, but she looks fucking ethereal standing before you. So tall, so confident, her eyes so fucking dark, piercing through your very soul as she stares down at you. Her lips look like rubies compared to her cold, pale skin, so plump and kissable.

All you can think about is the way they felt pressed against your throat, and it makes you lift your hand to press against the two small circular scars on your neck.

Ellie frowns deeply as she eyes you, eyebrows furrowed and expression virtually unreadable.

“What are you doing here” she mumbles out, shifting on her feet awkwardly. Her question alone sets the fire off in your chest again, making you seethe as you take a deep inhale before responding.

“Are you kidding me Ellie?” You practically spit out, staring up at the girl in disbelief.

She lets out a soft sigh, her tattooed hand coming up to rub her face roughly before it moves up to rub through her hair.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” she manages before she tries shutting her door in your face. “You can’t be here” she mumbles out softly, the girl fully expecting to be able to shut the door.

You however, have other plans.

You’re quick to press your hand against the door, stopping her from closing it before you practically force yourself between it. Ellie’s eyes widen a bit at this, not used to seeing you so forward.

Soon, you’re pushing yourself into her apartment, your palm pressing against your forehead as you began pacing back and forth Ellie’s lavish apartment.

“I don’t…I don’t understand you Ellie. Is it something I said? Did I do something? If so please enlighten me I beg you” you blurt out, all of the words fumbling out of your mouth in one breath.

Ellie frowns deeply as she watches you pace back and forth her apartment, her eyebrows furrowed. She can truly see the damaged shes caused when she sees you like this, because it was much easier to watch you when you slept, so peaceful and unaware of the troubles that came with her absence. She knew you were going to blame yourself, and as much as she knew she couldn’t allow you to do that to yourself, she knew staying away was even more important.

Seeing you like this was possibly the hardest thing Ellie had to ever endure.

You don’t stop there, taking advantage of the lack of a response from Ellie to continue ranting.

“Is it because of the blood thing? If so I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry for simply caring enough to make sure you didn’t die from starvation or whatever it is that happens to you when you don’t eat. I’m sorry for making sure that you were okay, if that was so wrong please tell me…” your words trail off as you let out an exasperated sigh, your feelings and emotions becoming far too much as you practically sob out to her.

But then you’re pausing, your chest rising and falling quickly as you struggle to catch your breath. Ellie isn’t entirely sure why you’ve suddenly stopped, your back towards her as you stand there, doing god knows what.

When you finally turn around, your eyes are red and your cheeks are wet with tears.

“Were you just….using me? As your personal fucking blood bag?” Your words are shaky as you hold back another sob, your fists balled down at your sides.

Ellie freezes when you say this, because this is exactly what she was fucking afraid of.

It was a common theme throughout…her people. Vampires were notoriously alluring, seducing countless innocent and clueless victims into being their personal meal. The humans were almost always oblivious to what was being done to them, vampires often times using this to their advantage to keep them under their spell for as long as possible. It would most commonly been done in a way that made the humans believe the vampires loved them, dangling them by a thread as they promised them a life of eternity together, to live in immortality, side by side until the end of times. It almost never ended that way though, the vampires would suck and suck and suck until one day they went a bit too far, and their obedient human keeled over and died.

Ellie never wanted things to be that way with you.

She never even wanted you to think it was that way. She wanted you to understand that this was entirely up to you, and it could stop whenever you wanted it to. It’s why she constantly voiced to you that this was still a factor right before she fed off of you. Ellie would rather die than use you for a source of food, because truthfully you were far too good for that, too fucking pure to be used as something as low as a food source.

So when the words leave your lips, Ellie sees red.

Shes in front of you in less than a second, towering over you and staring down into your tear soaked eyes. Her nostrils are flared as she tries to hold back from tearing down her entire apartment complex around the both of you.

“You can’t possibly be stupid enough to think I’d ever use you for something so low..” her voice is low, and there’s a gravel in it that makes your core tighten and your chest bloom with something you can’t quite place, a feeling that can only be shelved in your mind right next to where Ellie takes place.

You don’t hack one, hot tears continuing to spill from your eyes as you stare at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“It makes sense….get your fix and then leave me like I’m nothing…this was probably your plan all along” you grit out.

Ellie licks her lips, knowing that you’re hurting just as much as she is, and your words are simply coming from a place of confusion, desperate to understand why she did what she did to you, why she left without a trace.

She leans in, her face a mere inches from yours. You can smell her minty breath wafting onto your face, and it’s bizarre because even that has a slight chill to it. It makes your cheeks cold, and it makes you want to reach out and warm her up.

“I would rather die a million deaths before using you for that…you and I both know this” she seethes out.

And it makes you whimper, because Ellie’s always been so fucking intense, so poetic. It makes your insides flip upside down, and your eyebrows knit together as you struggle to hold back a whimper.

Your features soften as you continue to cry in front of her. “Then why did you leave me…” you whisper out to the girl.

It breaks her heart how desperate you are for this. Not even for her, but simply for answers. All you want is to understand why she left, what you did to make her abruptly disappear without a single word.

Ellie’s eyes flutter shut for a moment, her pink tongue darting out to lick her plush lips before she finally speaks.

“I’ve never…been so weak for someone…in my entire life” she breaths out.

It surely isn’t what you’re expecting her to say. You think she’s going to say she’s gotten enough of you, or she just couldn’t handle having someone like you around. Hell, you were even beginning to think she was trying to cover up all her roots here and start somewhere else.

“I always have been…from the moment I fucking laid eyes on you, I knew you weren’t good for me…you’re too good for me” she continues, her eyes fluttering open as she finally stares down into yours. You can finally look into yours as you blink away the tears that are pooling in your eyes and blurring your vision, and it allows you to see the pain in her eyes, just how much she’d been struggling with all of this.

“It isn’t even your blood…it made it worse, yes…but just being around you is like…it’s like a fucking drug to me. You give me this feeling that I can’t…I can’t even begin to describe how fucking euphoric you make me feel” each of her words sounds like a plea, a plea for you to let her go, to unhand her from the death grip you have on her.

“And suddenly I’m always in your apartment, and you’re offering yourself to me and it’s like a dream come true and I feel like a fucking monster when I’m on top of you, sucking you dry of your fucking blood” it’s her turn to start pacing, running her hands through her hair as she settles one of her hands on her hip, she moves slower than you were, simply voicing the struggles she’s seemed to have with you from the moment you met.

She finally turns towards you, and she’s slowing make her way to where you’ve been standing this entire time. When she’s right back where she was, stood right in front of you, she takes your hand into hers ever so gently. It’s enough to make you flinch, how cold she is in contrast to your hot skin. She sighs, bringing your hand up to cradle her cheek, and her eyes flutter shut, nearly rolling back as she presses a soft kiss to your palm.

“I’m not strong enough for you…I don’t think I ever will be” she finally admits, and it’s like she’s not only admitting it to you, but to herself as well.

You hold back a whine as she kisses your palm, her lips so soft, so gentle with you.

“Then…then don’t be…why can’t you just let things happen” you sigh out as you stare up at her, in awe as the girl leaned into your touch as if it were her life line.

You aren’t even entirely sure what you’re asking her for, what this so called ‘thing’ is that she won’t let happen. Is it the feeding you’re alluding to? An act of true platonic kindness? Or are you asking for more, are you begging for something that Ellie has deprived you both of for the sake of the greater good?

Both you and Ellie have these same questions running through your minds.

She chuckles dryly against your skin, shaking her head as her hand gives your wrists a gentle squeeze.

“You aren’t even sure what it is you’re asking for…not from someone like me” she admits, eyes opening as she finally looks down at you again.

“I can’t…give you the things you deserve. I’m not capable of being the perfect person for you, not when I am what I am” her words are like venom on her tongue, the girl utterly disgusted with the monster that she became against her own will, the hell that she was forced to live over and over again with no foreseeable end.

“The only thing I can do, is take from you…I take and take and take….” Her words trail off, a soft frown on her lips before she finally looks at you once again.

“Until I’ve taken everything that you have…and there is no more of you to offer” she whispers out, as if the mere thought of a world without you pains her so much to say, she barely wants to say it.

You lick your lips, your eyes searching hers before you quickly shake your head.

“Do you want me? The same way that I want you?” You question carefully, fearful of what it is that she might say, worried that you’d been reading things entirely wrong, even after Ellie basically confessed how utterly obsessed she is with you.

She smirks softly, humming lowly as she gently brings your hand down to her lips, pressing another gentle kiss to it.

“It’s like I’ve waited my entire life for you, baby….saying that I want you would be an understatement” she chuckles out softly.

And you aren’t entirely sure how it even gets to this point, because you marched over to Ellie’s apartment with a purpose, that purpose being to yell at her and get the answers you deserved. But suddenly you’re standing in front of her, and your heart is exploding with so many different emotions and feelings, all of them for Ellie, and she’s just confessed to you that she wants you like you want her.

And you have no choice, but to kiss her.

It catches Ellie off guard, a soft whine leaving her lips as accepts your lips with gratitude, her arms moving down to drape along your waist as she pulls you closer.

It’s everything she’s ever dreamt it would be. Your lips soft and sweet against her own, your skin so warm and inviting, making her drink you up, fueling her with the warmth she’s lacked since the day she died. But despite how good it feels, she knows this is wrong, and it goes against everything she said she’d do for your sake.

Ellie breaks way first, watching as you struggle to catch your breath from the intense kiss. She’s quick to stop you from leaning in again, her hand cupping your face as she stares into your eyes.

“Angel…we can’t…I told you, I’m no good for you” she sighs out, the words paining her to even say.

You give her a soft pout, your arms wrapping around her shoulders loosely as you press your warm body against hers.

“I trust you Ellie….I know that you’d never hurt me” you sigh out softly as you stare into her eyes, your hand coming up to tuck a strand of her soft hair behind her ear.

“We don’t have to do the blood thing…but I just…can’t we just give us a try?” Your eyes are wide as you speak, eager to feel Ellie’s lips against yours again, even if for a moment. You don’t even take into consideration that she could say no, that she could turn you around and throw you out of her apartment without another word, doubling down on what she said she’d do with you.

But as Ellie said before, she’s just too fucking weak for you.

And hearing you ask for it, ask for her, it has her stomach in knots, and she feels like no matter what it is you ask her, she couldn’t possibly say no to you.

“What are you doing to me…” she sighs softly before she leans in to kiss you again, reciprocating the passion and heat that you gave her mere moments ago. You whine against her, your hands sliding back to tug at her hair, keeping her close as your lips moves against hers, your warm tongue sliding against hers.

“Missed you so much…” you sigh against her, and it makes Ellie groan softly as she nods, hands sliding down to grip your waist as she walks you back towards her bedroom, lips never leaving yours.

“Missed you more than anything, angel” she mumbles against your lips as she presses her palm against her bedroom door behind you, pushing it open and leading you further inside.

Ellie’s bedroom smells like her. It’s dark, and cold but oh so comforting. You practically sigh against her lips when you feel her laying your body down against her black silk sheets, the expensive material like butter on your skin. It makes your senses go in overdrive, Ellie’s hands caressing your skin, roaming around your body as her tongue rubs against yours in a dirty, passionate kiss.

“Don’t know how long I’ve waited to have you like this…” she sighs softly, her lips breaking away from yours to kiss along your jaw, down to your throat. You don’t miss the way Ellie kisses the now faded marks of her teeth on your neck, licking the skin softly before she sucks into it, sure to leave dark marks in the morning.

“Missed marking you up baby….” She hums against you, drinking in the sweet moans that leave your mouth, the sound alone like music to her ears.

Your mind is fuzzy, almost blank besides the thoughts of Ellie that stood in the forefront of your brain. It was like she was filling you up entirely, making you almost overwhelmed with her. Her scent, her cold skin, her soft hands, all of it was almost too much, a combination of sensory overload that kissed your skin so deliciously.

Soon she’s kissing down your body, practically worshiping her as her lips work on your soft skin. Her hands are pushing up your t-shirt, kissing your stomach and your ribcage until she’s tugging you up a bit to skillfully slip your shirt over your head. You’re bare before her, her lips matching onto your pebbled nipples as her tattooed hands work on your soft shorts, tugging them down your legs.

You don’t miss the way her tongue swirls around your nipple before letting go with a pop, lips moving up to nip at your collar bone with her flat teeth. Hard enough to leave a mark, but gentle enough to not break skin.

You giggle softly, bending your legs back to help as she tugs your shorts and panties off. She’s slotting herself between your legs, humming softly as she gives you a smirk.

“Something funny baby?” She questions before leaning in to press another kiss to the corner of your lips. You nod, a dreamy smile on your lips as you bring your hand down to tug at the hem of Ellie’s t-shirt.

“Seems like old habits never die, that’s all….need this off” you huff out softly, fingers fumbling between the hem of her t shirt and the waistband of her sweats.

Ellie chuckles at how eager you are before she nods, pulling back to tug her shirt off before she rolls over a bit to pull off her sweats and underwear as well before she makes her way back between your legs, towering over you as she crawls into you like a predator would its prey.

And it leaves your pussy soaking wet, because it’s better than you could’ve ever imagined. Ellie’s tits are pebbled similarly to yours, tattoos littering her pretty skin, muscles so beautiful they could make your mouth fucking water.

You’d always seen Ellie for the beauty she possessed…but this? This was so much more different.

It made your head fucking spin.

You whined softly as you practically tug her into her by her shoulders, moaning softly at the feeling of her boobs squishing against yours as your mouth attacks her in a needy kiss.

“Want you…” you sigh softly against her as your hand slides down between the both of you, cupping her pussy. You feel Ellie suck in a sharp breath at the feeling of your warm fingers against her sopping wet core, and she gives you an eager nod before rolling over, her strong hands gripping your thighs and taking you with her as she forces you to straddle her.

Being on top of Ellie is just as good as being under her, almost better in all honesty. The lighting in her bedroom is dim, but you can just make out her features with the moonlight that spills in through her big windows, and the moody lights she has set up along her walls. You don’t even realize it because you’re too busy gawking at her, but she lifts her leg up a bit and easily slots you down so that your pussy is right against hers, the feeling making you moan softly.

“You’re so pretty Ellie…” you practically sigh out. It makes Ellie moan softly, and she swears the sound of you calling her pretty is enough to bring her back to life, reversing the effects of her undead state.

“Fuck…can’t say those things to me baby…you’re gonna…Jesus..ruin me” she struggles to get out as she grips your hips, forcing you to roll your hips so that your clit and her clit bumps against each other.

Your eyes flutter shut when you feel it. It’s so fucking wet, and soft, and it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. Sure you���d done it with other girls before, but this just feels…it almost feels like….

“Like you were fucking made for me princess” Ellie grits out, her teeth caging her words in as she fucks you down onto her pussy, practically using you for both hers and your pleasure.

You’re too far gone to pick up on it, too indulged in the feeling of Ellie’s strong hands gripping your thighs so deliciously, sure to leave marks in their shape when you both wake up in the morning.

Your back is arching almost painfully, your hand gripping her thigh as you find the rhythm Ellie has set for you, finding the perfect spot and keeping it there as you drive both you and her to your orgasms.

“I’m…Ellie you feel so good…you’re gonna make me cum” you squeak out, eyebrows furrowed as you finally look down at the girl beneath you, only to find that she’s just as much of a mess as you are. Her hair is messy and her lips look so pouty and kissable. It’s hard to make out, but her fanged teeth are pressing into her lips, and you’re sure it’s the sexiest thing you’ve seen in your entire life.

She gives you an encouraging nod, one of her hands coming to your ass and kneading it harshly before giving it a firm spank, the sinful noise echoing off the walls of her pristine bedroom.

“I know baby…I know…come on, want you to cum with me…that’s it…that’s my good girl” her praises make your chest burn, and it leaves knots in your stomach. It only drives you further, your hips moving faster as they roll against Ellie’s, desperately chasing both hers and your orgasm.

“Ellie…Ellie I’m…I’m gonna-“ you cry out, back arching as you grip her thighs quickly, feeling your own shake as your orgasm begins washing over you.

Ellie catches it right before it happens, the girl quickly sitting up and wrapping her arms around your body, pressing your chest against hers as she pulls you down to kiss her passionately, her own orgasm washing over her like a fucking train.

Your bodies are so in tune, so in sync that your moans almost mix to create a symphony that can only be described as love, total and unconditional love as her arms keep you close, as if stopping you from running away from her, from the feeling she gives you. Her lips are working against yours as you breath hard, struggling to catch your breath in the sloppy kiss.

You’re a whining mess, your poor pussy far too sensitive to deal with the amount of pleasure that Ellie brought to you, all of it washing over you like an intense sea of euphoria, nearly drowning you as you held onto the girl with weak hands.

She knows you’re weak, because she’s pulling you down to rest your warm body against her cool sheets, all while keeping her cool body pressed against yours to bring you back down to earth with her.

“That’s it baby…I know….did so good for me…” she sighs softly as she leaves gentle kisses against your cheeks and eyes, watching as the aftermath of your orgasm slowly pulls you to the depths of sleep, all of it too much on your body.

“My beautiful girl…my girl…my girl…” she hums out, almost like a song as she watches you cling to her in your sleep, soft hums and huffs leaving your lips, all of which makes Ellie smile adoringly at you as she holds you while you sleep.

And even while you’re settling into one of the deepest sleeps you’ve ever experienced, you don’t miss the soft kisses against your lips and cheeks, all paired with the constant, non stop praises from Ellie.

You especially don’t miss the way she leans in settles against the pillow next to you, mumbling the softest, sweetest words to you as her hands caressing your naked body.

“I love you, pretty girl..”

[nawoken]

How will the NRC boys react when you overblot with the thought of suicide?

I don't know what I am doing, but since many people are interested in Suicide Overblot Reader, I will write something for it then. Reference to this post.

I think I will try to do all of them. I hope...

Some might be OOC because I don't understand their character enough (Trey and Cater in this post case), sorry if it bothers you guys.

I don't really write it as platonic or romantic, try to keep it neutral so u can read it the way u want?

Warning: Mention of suicide, self-destructive, angst, depression(?), blood,... a bit heavy thought I guess?

Part: Hearslabyul

Riddle

- When he reaches Ramshackle and sees you got overblot, he is uneasy but still remains calm and serious.

- Slightly think that part of this is his fault for not paying more attention to you. He knows that you had to bear a lot of things lately, with school, with Crowley's unreasonable quest,...

- But, he has to stay strong, he has to, he is a Housewarden after all.

- But... when Riddle sees you hurt yourself, he is stunned and terrified. This can't be happening, it shouldn't be.

- He hears your faint cries about your insecurities, your fear of being a burden... and your wish to disappear.

- It makes him heartache, wonder what has made you reach this point. Then, it hit him, every word he told you when you guys first knew each other, before his overblot, and before he changed.

- This must be his fault, he has hurt you... Riddle lost in his guilt, almost overblot right then and there.

- Even Trey can't pull him back to reality, but Ace's punch can.

- "Stop blaming yourself, don't you want to save them?" It actually helps Riddle calm down.

- Riddle braced himself, he had to make it right, so he could apologize to you properly.

- You got him traumatized. And you guys will also have a longgg conversation after things end.

Trey:

- He is... a lil bit shocked and worried about the situation. But, years of taking care of Riddle and his maturity helped him stay calm.

- Even when you hurt yourself, he only flinches a bit before pulling out his pen and trying to destroy the black inky thorns without hurting you.

- Things get worse when Riddle loses his sanity and starts to blame himself while Ace and Deuce lose their cool, kicking and fighting to get to you.

- Try to calm Riddle down. But it's no use.

- Ace's outbursts still make him surprised every time, but at least things have become more stable. They can focus on the main problem now.

- He keeps calm through it all, but when everything comes to an end, he falls to the ground and exhales all his built-up tension.

- He will check in on you a lot more. Reaching out to you, asking about your day, and baking you a lot of treats. Become your figure mother at some point...

Cater:

- Like Trey, being the third-year he is, Cater is much more mature and reliable than he seems.

- Use his unique magic, protect the first year, and even try to lighten the mood while keeping an eye on you.

- He is not too worried since everyone is gathering here, to save you! So nothing can be wrong... right?

- The moment he sees the blood splatter out of your body, he inhales sharply and trembles slightly before turning around to block the view of the freshmen.

- But he fails to keep them from the view, so now Ace and Deuce go berserk. At least Epel and Jack are still sober enough to hold the duo back.

- Multitasking. Become much more serious.

- After it all, he won't force you to tell him things but he will talk with you a lot more, maybe about this funny meme or some new trend on Magicam. Do his best to make you laugh.

Ace:

- He first tries to joke about this when he sees you in your oveblot form. Act cool and funny but can't hide his care for you. Swear that he will knock you on your head a few times for making them worry sick.

- The moment you hurt yourself? Ace and Deuce tried to rush toward you but got held back by other first-years.

- Scold you, told you to stop hurting yourself, and even threatened that if you don't stop he will fight you...

- Also scold you for being stupid. Yes, you're magicless but you also have survived many life-or-death situations that even a pro mage can't. You're not useless!!!

- Asked Riddle to do something just to find out his dorm leader is having a mental breakdown right there.

- He punches Riddle (the second time), how can he act like that when you're still in danger?!

- Ace also cooled down after that, he left the job of returning you to normal to the Dorm leader while helping others destroy those blot-made thorns to prevent them from hurting you.

- You guys will have to talk a lot after this, and you know can't avoid it, Prefect.

Deuce:

- His face turned pale the moment he saw you. Out of anyone, he doesn't think you're the one who got overblot.

- Especially when you stab yourself, he lost his mind. The moment he runs out to you, Epel holds him back. Others told him to calm down, to make a plan.

- But, Deuce can't even hear a word, all he can hear is your whimpering and the scene of the thorns lunging through your flesh keeps playing in his mind.

- Like Riddle, he also blames himself. The difference is that he blames himself for not looking out for you more. You guys have been friends since the beginning and you are always taking care of them, but they have failed to do so for you.

- The guilty feeling building up inside him made him mad, he wanted to punch, to fight, to take his anger out on something.

- After the "fight" between Riddle and Ace went off, Deuce finally calmed down.

- After things end, the moment you back to normal, he will immediately run to you and hold you close, afraid that if he lets go, you will disappear.

- Says sorry to you again and again...

- Become a bit paranoid and protective after your suicide attempt.

____________

5.C: This took me forever to finish, now I have 17 more to finish. Gotta say, Riddle is the easiest person to write about.

[ssturniolo]

could u write something where reader is going through a sort of depressive episode where like trader just kinda feels hopeless and stuff and is pushing chris away and so he doesn’t understand why until matt like points it out and so chris then feels bad and comforts reader sorry if this is long😭

Everything’ll be alright

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤 - Chris x fem!reader

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶 - request <3

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 - mentions of depression, bad mental health, Chris being oblivious, not proofread

Everything in your life has just been going wrong. Or at least it’s felt that way. Simple everyday tasks have grown increasingly difficult to do and every waking moment is it’s own battle. You’ve had no contact with the outside world in who knows how long, not even your own boyfriend. It just seems as though nobody cares and that, along with everything else is slowly destroying you.

Only leaving your bed to use the bathroom and grab another bag of chips that will eventually be thrown to the side uneaten, has been how you’ve been living for awhile now. You’re filled with this overwhelming feeling of despair and it just won’t go away. At war with your own mind, and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. Just a dead end.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **

Chris lays on the couch, scrolling through Instagram while hoping that you’ll answer one of his million texts. He knows you’re pushing him away but he can’t figure out why. What did he do wrong? You’re his first girlfriend and he’s so afraid to loose you but he doesn’t know what’s wrong or what to do.

“Me and Nick are going to McDonald’s if you want to bring y/n,” Matt calls as he grabs his keys off the counter.

“No that’s ok, I don’t think she’d want to” Chris reply’s, not looking up from his phone.

“But I thought she loves McDonald’s? I haven’t heard from her in awhile, how’s she doing?” Matt asks, his voice laced with concern.

“I wouldn’t know” Chris mumbles, clearly hurt.

Every once in awhile you kind of disappear but you’ve never done it for this long, let along not talking to Chris at all.

“Did you guys break up?” Matt asks gently as he sits by Chris on the couch.

“No but she ghosted me” Chris starts, pressing his palms into his eyes. “She’s completely disappeared off of social media, and never answers my texts or calls even when it says she’s active.”

Worry is painted across Matt’s features as he watches his brother fight off tears.

“Chris I think you should go check up on her. Y/n wouldn’t do this without a really good reason and I think she’s really struggling right now. I’ll bring you on the way to McDonald’s ok?”

Chris never thought about that fact you might not be doing well, he was more concerned about you ignoring him.

“Ok, let’s go.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **

You’ve been curled up on your bed, staring at the same spot on your wall for what’s seemed like forever. How long exactly? You have no clue. Your only telling of time was whether there was light peeking through the blinds, or if everything was just swallowed in darkness.

The creak of the door to your room opening startles you out of your dazed state, confused as you hadn’t heard anyone come into your apartment.

“Hey there princess” a familiar voice whispers as he shuts the door behind him.

Chris.

Without another word, he climbs into your bed, snaking his arms around you, holding you close against his chest. And that’s all it took for you to burst into tears, wetting his t-shirt as you cry into his chest.

“I’m trapped Chris, I’m trapped” you manage to cry out in between sobs.

“I don’t know what to do”

“Everything will be alright baby, we’ll figure this out together, I’ve got you” he whispers soothingly into your hair.

There’s a terrible pressure on your chest, you feel everything and nothing at the same time, and your whole life seems to be crumbling down in front of you, but Chris is there. Right besides you through it all just like he’s always been. The world could be falling apart and he’d be there, ready to hold you in his arms and tell you everything will be alright.

Right now, all you need is Chris and he doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for the request my love 🫶🏻

XOXO - Zoe

Tag-list ⬇️

@dwntwn-strnlo @soleilsturniolos @mbbsgf @gabbylovesreading @0-r-a-y-0 @sturn3g1rl @lvrsparadise @taylorssfilmsss @emssturniolo @ilovemattsturn @nickenthusiast @itsaaliyah2 @thetriplets3 @urfavstromboli

[lordprettyflackotara]

Chapter Ten || Hitchhiker || The Proxies

tw: mental decline, depression discussed, toby’s a real creep in this one sorry, stabbing, blood, brief descriptions of gore, murder

<— previous chapter

It was not hard to see you were distraught. You stayed curled in your comforter, the safety of your bedroom the only source of comfort you could truly find. The boys tried to provide as much warmth and care as possible, going as far as to take shifts watching you sleep. Even with their watchful eyes guarding you, it didn’t make the nightmares go away. It didn’t make the static go away. It didn’t make the paranoia go away. Anywhere and everywhere you felt like you were being watched. You had disappeared off of the face of the planet, ignoring your job and Nova. The only two other people that cared about you.

You refrained from leaving the apartment, the fear of running into The Operator making you into a recluse. Toby knew there was no stopping it. The damage had already been done. The Operator had a fixation on you, there was no doubt about it. He toyed with the idea of how exactly he would come find you, with you living in a crowded apartment and all. The more Toby thought about it, he tried to put himself in his shoes. If he couldn’t get you out, what else would he do? As Toby’s gaze circled around your bedroom it hit him. He would lure you out.

There was no debate Toby didn’t like Nova. There wasn’t a tiny piece of him that felt any different. But he knew that The Operator would use her as a pawn in his game of chess. He slid off of your bed, his fingertips pushing some stray hairs out of your face. “I’m going to fix this. I-I’m going to fix you,” Toby whispered. You were fast asleep, your slumber only guaranteed for maybe another couple of hours. The insomnia you began to develop was becoming as bad as Tim’s. Toby slid out of your bedroom, tapping Brian awake from his slumber in your recliner. The blonde stood up, yawning briefly. “Where are you going kid?” He asked curiously. Toby grabbed his axe, slinging it over his shoulder.

“I’m g-going to fix this. Like I s-s-should’ve done a long time ago.”

Toby wasn’t nervous as he strolled up to Nova’s office. He knew it was vacant. He knew Nova was working late. Not only based on her beat up Toyota in the parking lot, but he also considered her consequential work ethic. For someone as paranoid as Nova, he would’ve thought she would’ve had better protective measures.

Nova sat in her office, worn down and exhausted. The desk lamp was the only thing keeping her awake, the excessive light blinding her sight from most of the room. In her hand sat a worn out pencil, the graphite scribbling the proxy symbol on a sheet of paper. “I used to draw those too you know,” Toby chuckled. He sat crouched on the windowsill, inviting himself inside once Nova’s gaze landed on him. She reached for her gun, shocked to find her secret spot empty. Toby held it up lazily with one finger, his eyes narrowing. “L-looking for t-t-this?” He questioned. He tilted his head to the side, before tossing Nova her python. Nova had no idea you stole it, her mind raveling as she tried to pinpoint when Toby broke in and took it. Or when he even had the opportunity to.

Immediately Nova held Toby at gunpoint, shutting off the safety without a second thought. “I was right all along. I knew it. You can’t have her Tobias,” Nova growled. Toby raised his eyebrows. “Yeah that’s right. I investigated all of you fucking freaks. Timothy Wright. Brian Thomas. Tobias Rogers. I know it all,” Nova spat harshly. Toby’s neck twitched, a giggle escaping his lips. “You know about The Operator then I ass-u-u-me,” Toby suggested. Novas eyebrows furrowed, as if she could’ve believe what the brunette was saying. Casually he strolled up to her desk, rummaging through the papers. Drawings of The Operator, ominous phrases, and eerie proxy symbols littered the pages.

“Oh b-boy. He sure does like you,” Toby mused, chuckling to himself. Nova readjusted her grip on her gun, brushing her hair out of her face. “How do I get rid of him? Explain yourself. Explain it!” Nova demanded. Toby let out a low whistle. He rocked back and forth on his heels, shaking his head. “There isn’t any e-escaping him. From the l-looks of it he’s embedded himself right in that brain of yours,” He concluded. He leaned forward, poking Nova’s forehead. Nova swatted his hand away, pointing her gun directly at his head. She rounded her desk, placing the metal right under his chin. “It’s not like it m-matters anyways. You’re not really the one he wants,” Toby informed her.

“What’s that supposed to mean you ticking time bomb?”

Toby seemed unnerved to have a gun pointed under his chin. He knew Nova’s trigger finger was growing heavy, yet he seemed unbothered. “Who else knows about us besides you? That’s t-tied into our l-little rebellion,” Toby questioned. Nova’s facade fell, her face growing pale. She lowered her gun. “Fucking hell. Why does he want y/n? Why does he want me?” Nova asked. Toby tilted his head to the side, shoving down his face mask. He delivered Nova a wicked grin, soaking in the fear that radiated off of her once she saw the side of his face. It was chewed straight through, the flesh absent and poorly healed. “I-I’m n-n-not sure. Why don’t y-you eat one of the blueberry muffins I m-made you and maybe it’ll jog my memory,” Toby suggested.

Nova cringed as she looked over at the trash can, piled with discarded papers. But on the very bottom, sat the untouched blueberry muffins. They had been sitting there for over a week, her stomach churning. She collected herself, glaring at Toby. “I don’t think so Tobias. You don’t get to win,” She hissed. She pushed the head of the gun harder against his chin, surprised the brunette had no reaction at all. “Y-you kill m-m-me you don’t get answers,” Toby chuckled. Nova frowned, knowing he was right. Even if she killed him off, thing one and two were one for vengeance. She cringed as she looked at her trashcan.

“I take a bite of the muffin, you give me answers right? Who’s to say you’re not lying?” Nova questioned. Toby shrugged, giving her a sly shit eating grin. “I guess that’s a chance you’ll have to take,” He snickered. Nova huffed as she trudged over to the trashcan. She threw her old coffee cups and crumpled papers aside. She cringed as she dug out the plate of blueberry muffins, the tinfoil now pulled back. Toby watched calmly as she took the paper wrapper off of one, her fingers shaking. “Y-you c-c-can’t possibly be t-that grossed out. You investigate corpses for a living,” Toby said sassily, rolling his eyes. Nova glared at him, shooting daggers in his direction. “I investigate homicides of innocent people you ticking fuckwad,” Nova snarled. She sighed, forcing herself to think of you as she took a bite of the expired food.

Toby took great joy in watching Nova’s face curl into disgust. She could taste droplets of the coffee she had drank days ago. Toby’s grin grew wider as she slowly chewed on the muffin. “Go o-on. Swallow it,” He purred. Nova contemplated shooting him right then and there, deciding against it. Oh, if only you knew how much she adored you. She forced herself to swallow, gagging on the taste as it traveled down her throat. “That wasn’t s-so hard. W-was it?” Toby taunted. Nova wiped her mouth with her sleeve, trying to get the taste out of her mouth. “Get on with it Tobias. I played your game. What does he want?” She questioned.

“What he’s doing to you is very different from what h-he’s doing to y/n. H-he just wants y-y-you to go crazy and kill yourself. But I see you’re a o-one tough cookie,” Toby praised mockingly. He went to grab her cheek tauntingly, Novas hand quick to swat his away. “B-but with her, he sees s-s-so much potential. The w-way she’s willing to die f-for us,” Toby explained. Nova’s eyes widened, her rage clouding her judgment as she repositioned her pistol. She pointed it at Toby’s face, pulling the trigger. Nova was stunned as nothing happened, her Python useless. Toby broke out into a mechanical laughter, one that only enraged Nova more.

“What the fuck?” She muttered. Toby grinned as he took the bullets out of his pocket, tossing them into the air. They scattered across the wooden floor, Nova quick to drop to her knees to collect them. With shaky hands she tried to reload her gun, Toby quick to squat down to her level. He gave her an egotistical grin, watching as she struggled to put the bullets in her python. “There’s a-a chance we can stop The O-Operator’s influence. B-but we can’t do it alone,” He said. This made Nova stop in her tracks, her chocolate eyes wondering over to him. Looking at him made goosebumps roam across her skin, his lack of a right cheek unsettling the closer he got to her.

“S-she’s going to need-d-d you. Even if we dont understand it,” Toby concluded. He rose to his feet, satisfied that he got his point across. Nova swallowed as she rose beside him, her gun now loaded with three shiny bullets. “What do I need to do?” She asked. Toby gave her a wicked grin, waltzing towards the open window. He grinned over his shoulder, sliding his mask back on, “Come with me.”

\/

“I don’t wanna do this guys. This is so stupid,” You protested. Hoodie and Masky had succeeded in getting you dressed up and ready for a nice dinner. What they had failed to account for was your protest. Despite their protection and consistent surveillance, it didn’t subside your paranoia. However, they couldn’t recall the last time you had a decent meal. Additionally, they couldn’t remember the last time they had seen you smile. They didn’t like Nova either, but between her and seeing you go insane, she was lesser of the two evils.

“You’re just going to have to trust us. This’ll be good for you,” Hoodie encouraged. You sighed, looking through the window of the fancy restaurant. Soft golden chandeliers lit each table, a thick white table cloth covering each one. The silverware looked like they were actual gold, each individual inside looking like a million bucks. You nervously tucked your hair behind your ears. “Okay fine. Just this one dinner. Then let me lay in bed for the next ten years,” You huffed. You stormed into the restaurant, Masky and Hoodie close behind you. “They should be here somewhere,” Masky muttered. You were under the impression you were only meeting Toby. “Who else is there? Guys I don’t want to meet anyone new,” You protested. That’s when you saw them.

Toby waved, a bright smile spreading across his lips. He wore a neat jet black tuxedo, his curls bouncing with life. Beside him sat Nova, a dark sapphire dress decorating her caramel skin. Her lips were dark red, smiling just as bright as Toby’s. You practically ran to her, attempting to not trip over your own heels or run into any of the waiters. You threw your arms around her in an embrace, soaking in her coconut scent. “What are you doing here?” You asked. You hadn’t seen Nova since you had ditched her at the hospital, stealing her python before dashing into the night. “Tobias invited me. I think it’s time the five of us have a serious discussion about The Operator,” She said firmly. You glanced at the boys for affirmation, Masky giving you a nod. “You know?” You whispered. Nova nodded, giving you a sad smile.

“You’re not the only person that slimy fucker has been terrorizing,” Nova chuckled dryly. The five of you sat down, your mood feeling evaluated for the first time in forever. You didn’t ask too many questions about Toby or Nova. Or why they both felt possessive enough to sit on either side of you. Toby’s hand sat on your upper thigh, Novas hand holding your own. You felt like you were missing something. Like something happened and they wouldn’t tell you. Masky and Hoodie were strangely transparent about their existence. “So you both only exist due to a series of unfortunate supernatural events that traumatized Timothy and Brian so much they developed you two?” Nova questioned. She poked her fork back into her pasta, swirling it as you nervously chewed on your steak.

“Thats about right,” Masky agreed. He kept his gaze on his own steak, cutting the meat with a sharp knife. “And what about you?” Nova questioned. She pointed her fork at Toby, who was thoroughly enjoying his chicken tenders and fries. “What about me?” Toby hissed. Nova squeezed your hand under the table. “You don’t have an alter so you’re insane right? You had a pretty extensive length of mental disorders according to your record,” Nova shrugged. You shot Nova a dirty look. “Hey lay off of the kid,” Masky intervened flatly. Hoodie quietly nibbled at his salad, watching the whole scene unfold.

You caught his gaze, the blonde subtly cocking his head towards the window. You almost missed what he was referring to, a streak of white dashing out of sight once you looked. “I don’t think I will. They have decent excuses but you don’t Tobias. So, explain it to me,” Nova spat. You removed your hand from hers, feeling Toby’s fingers dig into your thigh. “Nova that’s enough, it’s not your business,” You hissed. She refused to glance at you, her cold gaze still centered on Toby. “Considering he’s been making himself quite comfortable between your legs, I think it is,” She argued. You audibly scoffed, your patience running thin.

“It is not your fucking place to mother me-”

Your spitfire was cut short by Toby interrupting, “The only thing you need to k-k-know is that i’d never h-hurt her. But don’t think-k-k you’re in the same position.”

The table fell silent, your heart pounding as you stared down at your dinner plate. A wave of nausea washed over you, your face going pale. “Hey hey are you good?” Hoodie asked, changing the tables topic. You could feel your stomach churning. Masky rose to his feet. “He’s nearby. We need to go,” He said firmly. He threw a wad of cash on the table, uninterested in the social construct of waiting. You were more important. The five of you hurried out of the restaurant, Nova slinging your arm over her shoulders. Toby followed suit, the two of them helping you follow Masky and Hoodie.

“Staying in town is a negative. We need to leave as soon as possible,” Hoodie told Masky. Masky dug in his slacks pockets, searching for his beloved box of cigarettes. “We need to ditch the car. Too traceable. There’s a train down east street. We can go down south from there,” Masky suggested. You could faintly hear static, your head beginning to spin. “I don’t think she’s going to make it to the train. We need to stop by her apartment. Or mine,” Nova interrupted. Masky and Hoodie shared a look, both of them reaching in their suit jackets and sliding on their mask. It was unusual that someone were to interrupt their planning. Whether they liked it or not, the dynamic of the group was changing with Nova’s addition. You felt faint, gripping onto Toby for support.

“I’m gonna be sick,” You groaned. You tried to hold back your nausea, swallowing when you felt yourself gagging. You could hear Masky and Nova bickering, their voices growing more dull. “Her apartment is a death sentence!” Masky growled. Nova let your arm down, getting in his face. “So is having her get on a goddamn train when she’s five seconds away from passing out!” She snarled. It was then you noticed it, the flash of white from earlier. You tilted your head to the side. Was this an illusion? Was the person you were seeing real? The white was so blinding to you. Why wasn’t anyone else noticing?

You glanced up at Toby, whose attention was focused on Masky and Nova arguing. You tried to understand what you were seeing, your eyes finally able to make out a mask. It was a human shaped figure, running towards the five of you. You tried to make sense of who the target was, realizing that the persons gaze seemed to be centered on Nova. Its head hadn’t cocked in your direction once, despite you looking right at the person. In the dim streetlight you were able to see a flash from a blade, your mouth falling open to say something. Anything. Your body sprung into action before you could warn anyone, your veins pumping with adrenaline.

You shoved Toby away, pushing Nova out of the way as the attacker trudged forward. It all happened so fast, you hardly had time to process the flash of hot white pain that electrified your body. You fell forward, your knees hitting the pavement. The sharp pain lodged into your stomach, your eyes widened so large you feared they were going to pop out of your head. Time seemed to slow, your hand shaking violently as you touched your wound. A kitchen knife was lodged into your stomach, the blood soaking your dress. Your vision became spotty, your gaze finally looking upwards. Toby and Masky were on the attacker in the blink of an eye.

“It had to be done! She’s the target and you know it!” The attacker hissed. Hoodie grabbed her by her hands, shoving them roughly behind her back. Masky delivered a sharp uppercut to her jaw, knocking her mask off of her face. Toby knew Kate to be obedient to The Operator, but he never would’ve imagined she would’ve done something like this to them. You fell forward, choking on your own spit as Nova tried to hold you upright. “Dont touch it. You can’t pull it out,” Nova rambled. She grabbed your shoulders, laying you on your back. She held you against her chest, tears welting up in her eyes. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” She whispered. She brought her hand to your hair, stroking it as you watched the seen before you unfold.

“I’ll fucking kill you Kate! I’ll fucking kill you!” Masky roared. Black spots began to appear in your vision, each movement you tried to make only sending a wave of pain up your spine.

Masky delivered sharp and powerful punches to Kate’s face, a sharp snap echoing throughout his ears. Her jaw hung loosely, blood traveling down her nose. “This is the way it has to be! You know better than this Masky!” Kate argued weakly. She was no longer thrashing under Hoodie’s grasp, instead struggling to stand on her own. Masky grabbed her face, a painful whimper escaping her lips as he glared down at her. “You are so lucky my girl is watching, otherwise i’d gut you like a fish,” He snarled. He lifted his mask, spitting in her face. He struggled to keep his composure, fighting the urge to beat her to death.

“W-wait so you won’t kill me?” Kate questioned. Masky turned around, his devious gaze meeting Toby’s. The younger brunette had taken out a smaller axe he carried on his person, twirling it in his hand. Masky sighed, looking over at you for confirmation. He never wanted this for you. But as the blood pooled around your body, he shrugged off any feelings of remorse or reconsideration. “I won’t, but he will,” Masky replied plainly. He walked past Toby, the boy quick to raise his axe. Masky relished in the sound of the sharp blade connecting with Kate’s skull, another loud crack sending sadistic pleasure down his spine.

—> next chapter

[stxrvel]

moving on

how was your life after nanami died? pairing: nanami x f!reader content: angst and depression but fluff as you go. a/n: my first nanami's fic. sorry this one's sad, i was really in the mood for angst :(. hope u guys enjoy!

jjk main masterlist | main masterlist

You used to do everything first for him and others and then for yourself. Nanami Kento was a gentleman, somewhat rigid and almost bordering on strict when it came to his desire to please you and do things for you. From the day he met you until the moment of his last breath, the only thing on his mind was you and completely you.

Haibara smiling at him in front of him, memories of moments that had been buried in the back of his head, his heart constricting in his chest with a spasm of pain knowing what would come next.

“I can't leave her.”

“She'll be fine.”

Every time you cooked, you made enough for two plates. Every time you shopped, you kept all the toiletries Kento used in the cart, watching them wistfully as you stood in line to pay.

“You've been coming alone for a couple of weeks now,” the woman at the cash register began, taking the shampoo Kento used to run it through the reader. The beep of the readout the price stabbed your heart. “Is everything okay?”

You watched her keep moving the men's items around, packing them into the brown bag ready to be used, as if there was actually someone at home waiting to use them and not as if they would come to pile up with all the others that were at home that you had already bought months ago because you were unable to get them out once you were getting to the checkouts to pay.

“Yeah, he's been busy,” you almost mumbled and the woman's hands flanked. You didn't know if she had caught you in the lie. It had been a couple of weeks since you had stopped trying to mimic the happiness in your face and voice when you talked about Kento. You hadn't told anyone that he had died.

Every time your parents called and asked about him, you went into a state of mind you didn't want to acknowledge yet that was unhealthy. You didn't know how much time you had already spent alone, but maybe you were close to getting to the point where you started to see him walking the halls of the apartment and feel his ghostly caresses on your skin.

Every time you saw Itadori's name on your cell phone when he called or texted you, a whiplash-like snippet of pain would run through your body, with your head flashing back to everything that had happened and the situation you had been immersed in for the past few months.

But it was good to talk to him. He was probably the only person who knew and felt the pain as much as you did. Maybe you should start diverting that energy you were in the habit of doing things for Kento and do it for Itadori.

“I wanted to ask you if Fushiguro and I could stop by your apartment this weekend. If you're not busy…”

How could you be busy?

The extra food you kept in tupperware in the fridge had found use after so many months. It was no longer your side dishes. Now it was the food you kept for when Itadori and Fushiguro stopped by your apartment. The bathroom and toilet utensils you kept in the same place as Kento began to run out and end up in the bathroom, having to replace them for a completely different reason.

“Are you guys hungry?” the first time they had come to your apartment had followed something strange. It was clear that the life that existed in that place when you lived with Nanami was gone, and the boys were no strangers to the somber sense of loss and sadness that lingered in every space of the place where you followed. “There's plenty of food in the fridge.”

Itadori, eager to make that heaviness dancing in the air disappear, smiled openly and headed for the fridge dragging Fushiguro with him.

“Y/N-san, surely everything will be delici…!”

Itadori's voice trailed off.

“Wow…” Fushiguro let out, giving up fighting Itadori's arm that had dragged him by the collar of his white shirt.

There were no vegetables or fruit in your fridge. There was no packaging of any kind. Every space in the fridge was filled with tupperware, one on top of the other, behind each one there were more and it seemed like there was no end to it. There was endless cooked food and Fushiguro was sure that if they opened the freezer there would be more food in there too.

“This is-” too much, Fushiguro bit his tongue.

“Unbelievable!” Itadori recovered faster than he did. The pink-haired half-turned around on his feet to see you, his body bowing in a curtsy with an emotion that clashed fervently with your sadness. “Thank you so much, y/n-san!”

Itadori bowed a couple more times before returning his attention to the fridge and pulling out as many tuppers as would fit between his arms. Fushiguro watched him with a white, almost reprimanding expression, but let go the moment he found a half-smile gracing your face.

Half of the tuppers had been opened that afternoon.

Itadori and Fushiguro came back to your apartment several times a week since then and it almost seemed like they lived there a couple of weeks later.

“y/n-san…” the pink-haired's voice pulled you out of your mental space as you cooked for them. Amazingly, the food in the fridge had run out, for the first time in months. That night was the first time the boys had stayed over.

You frowned as you met Itadori's evasive gaze. Worry bubbled in your chest at the thought that something had happened, because Itadori looked terribly disgruntled.

“Itadori-kun, what's wro-?”

The young man pulled his hands from behind his back, a gesture you hadn't paid too much attention to, too preoccupied with the way his body hunched forward slightly.

Nanami's shampoo bottle was in his hands.

You felt as if a huge bubble had burst around you, with the disconcerting sound of a balloon.

“Can we use this?”

The way he spoke and lowered his head made it seem like he was too embarrassed to ask. Maybe he was a little right about that. For a moment you felt anger at seeing the container in his hands, out of the place where it belonged and where it was supposed to stay waiting for…. something.

Fushiguro entered the kitchen in a hurry, as if he had run from the room and took the shampoo from Itadori's hands, sending you a look between worried and embarrassed. The black-haired man bowed.

“I'm really sorry, y/n-san. I told Itadori not to take this. I'll leave it in its place.”

Fushiguro started to turn around even without raising his head and a mortifying sensation ran through your body. The formality he was trying to maintain and the care he took with the way he referred to you made you nauseous. This wasn't how you wanted them to feel around you, like they had to tiptoe around you and be accommodating so as not to provoke you.

“It's okay,” you mumbled, almost inaudibly. You cleared your throat, but the boys heard you clearly just the same. “You can use it. It's okay. Anyway, there's too much stuff in there with no use. It's better that than getting damaged... over time, don't you think?”

Itadori and Fushiguro's looks on your face as if they were afraid you'd change your mind at any moment and yell at them made you think about how tough you'd been acting in front of them about everything related to Nanami. For the last few weeks they had been coming over, the only thing you had shared with them that was his had been all that food. But there were plenty of other things you could share with them, if only to buy their company a little longer.

“You can use everything in the bathroom and in the room.”

Letting go is another form of love, so they say.

And so it was. Eventually, you no longer bought the perfumes and toiletries Nanami used automatically, but strolled in the market with Itadori riding in the cart and Fushiguro on the other side walking with his hands inside his sweatshirt, with both of them telling you what products they used and with the cart fuller than usual.

Soon, Kento's side of the bathroom was filled with all the products the boys were using and you didn't dislike the image at all. It was quite comforting, in fact.

“Ah, Megumi's really bad at this,” Itadori spoke to your right, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

The black-haired man let out a grunt in his direction. “Will you shut up?”

“You're doing just fine, Megumi. Don't worry. When you take your time you can tell you're putting a lot of dedication into it. That's good.”

Megumi barely trembled at your words, his hands moving slightly, leaving an odd curve in the cup of the cake he was decorating. If you or Itadori had noticed, neither of you mentioned anything.

“y/n-san, I'm sooo hungry. Can't we eat while Megumi finishes?”

“Patience, Yuji. You could help me with the drinks if you want to distract yourself.”

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!”

It was the third anniversary of Kento's death and it was amazing how a year ago you didn't think you could tolerate making it this far. And you even came to think for a moment that you would spend that year alone too, but Yuji proposed to cook Nanami's favorite dishes to honor his memory and it was physically impossible for you to say no.

The dining table was adorned with various dishes and four chairs, one empty for him.

Yuji was seated to your right and Megumi to your left. Kento would be sitting across from you if he were here…

Many times, the three of you sharing your meals there, you thought about what it would be like if Kento could've lived to spend those experiences with you. You didn't know how the universe or fate did things, because it was such a cruel thought, but you were so grateful that they had inserted themselves into your life.

“I never would've thought Nanamin had such a sweet tooth,” Yuji commented, with a huge spoonful of cake in his mouth. Megumi frowned at him and you felt him kick his leg under the table.

“He wasn't… not as much as Gojo-san, but he always praised me when I made these desserts for him from time to time. Mostly on special dates, it wasn't very often.”

“And rightly so, y/n-san! Everything is delicious!”

“I wasn't the only one who cooked, Yuji.”

“You're right. What Megumi did is a little dry.”

The black-haired man swallowed a grunt, tensing his shoulders. You smiled at the innocent manner of the boys and were thankful that despite everything they got along so well. They were the best thing for each other, and the best thing you had at that moment.

“You did very well for your first time cooking alone, Megumi,” you placed one of your hands on his shoulder, allowing him to unwind and relax a little under your watchful eye and loving smile.

Megumi barely sketched a half-smile that you didn't let go unnoticed.

At that moment, you would have loved to know what Kento would think of being able to see them reunited in his memory, but you kept yourself in the present, hanging on to the conversation the boys were having letting out chuckles from time to time.

Nanami at that moment knew Haibara was right. You would be fine.

[whalyrae]

DANCE WITH ME - CHAPTER 7

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”

Summary : All your life, you thought you were a beta, a simple and boring beta. Until everything change. But now that you've presented yourself as an omega, how will you manage to live and hide it from your six friends and best friend, all alphas and all in the same pack? (a/n : I'm a shit for summary I'm so sorry-)

Genre : soulmate au (of course I'm a bitch for this), omegaverse, bangtan alphas au!, omega reader, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 5k

Warnings : the usual one I guess, like smut, angst, fluff (yeah its a warning for some people ) mention of depression, abusive parents (physically and morally), violence and blood, PTSD, scars, self harm,…

Tag list : @ghostlyworld @kawaiikpoplover268 @scuzmunkie @iamkookiesforyou @00ihatesnaku @stellauniverse @akemiixx01 @aceofcards05 @strxwbloody @seoul9711 @amara-mars @alex-walker-86 @yoongicatcat @xicanacorpse @maciesmess 

A/N : It took me more time than I thought to write this sorry (again ;-;) dealing with mental health issues is shit really I wish I was strong and courageous like my characters LMAO. So as an apology, this chapter is a little longer than usual :D Hope you'll like it !

I'll never thank u enough for all the likes and shares despite the looong time I take to write and publish the next chapters ;w; that's my only motivation to keep writing the story tbh...! (I have severe impostor syndrome yes...... ^^) so thank you again !! Don't hesitate to let a comment here, or in my inbox !! ♥

Also I made a playlist for the story ! If you have any songs who made you think about the story, you can share it to me and I'll add it on the playlist ! ♥

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad | Spotify playlist

Chapter 6 // Chapter 8

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

A/N² : again it's barely proof read, sorry for the potential mistakes TwT

. . .

The day has come. The practice exam was this afternoon. 

When you woke up this morning, you felt like you wanted to throw up. Being stressed was an euphemism. You didn’t even know why you felt like that. You spent the previous weeks practicing, alone and with Wooyoung. You even had some help and advice from his boyfriend, San. 

You never get why you were so stressed. Once the music started, all the anxiety and apprehension would disappear. It had always been that way when you danced. 

These last few months, your body was really testing you, and you weren't thanking it at all. 

You knew the steps perfectly, you and Wooyoung’s coordination and synchronization were perfect. You were more than ready, you knew it. And despite that, you were anxious, sure you’d fail everything, having bad notes, failing your scholarship after working so hard…

“Y/N ?”

The sudden voice startled you. In your kitchen, you were the last remaining in this apartment. Your roommates had already left, wanting to rehearse one last time before the exam. 

You would have done the same, but the stress and anxiety had given you such a stomach ache that it took you longer to get out of bed. 

You weren’t surprised to see Jimin not really anxious. You'd never seen him stressed when it came to dancing. And from the relaxed attitude Hoseok and Jungkook had shown since you'd met them, you suspected they were in the same category as Jimin. 

When you recognized the voice and noticed Jin facing you, you couldn't hide your surprise. 

“I thought you all left for work ?” you asked him, trying to stay calm. 

“Yoongi don’t need me at this hour,” Jin replied with a chuckle, “I'll be more of a nuisance than anything else. Is everything all right?”

You noticed the two cups of coffee held in his hands when he handed one to you. You silently thanked him and took a sip after blowing on the top of the cup to not burn yourself. It was delicious. Jin's coffees were the best. He'd never forgotten how you took it, ever since the first time he'd served you on the day you met. 

"I can smell your stress from the doorway, you know?" he said after a few seconds, seeing that you didn't answer because you simply didn't know what to say. 

You chuckled and pursed your lips, it was a nervous laugh. 

"Is it that obvious?"

"Trust me there's a picture of you next to the word anxious in the dictionary!"

Okay, the next laugh was more relaxed, more sincere. Jin had this sense of humor that some might find heavy and boring, but it was just the opposite for you. You were always the first to laugh at his jokes, sometimes even against your will. But what could you do? Jin was naturally amusing. He had a way of lightening the mood quickly and with just a few words. 

“Everything will be fine, you don’t have to worry about that.” He kept talking, as he took a step towards you, "You've worked hard, you've done your best, there's no reason for you to fail. Don't forget that you're good, you're really good."

Delicately, his hand came to rest on your shoulder, provoking a slight discharge that was anything but painful. 

How had you never noticed that what you felt for them, for him, wasn't friendship? That need you felt with every physical contact, your heart racing, your stomach twisting in such a pleasurable way. 

You felt both foolish for having been so blind and in denial all this time, but at the same time relieved to have finally been able to put a word to all these things, to finally have a clear vision of the situation. 

The only thing you couldn't control, and wouldn't control, would be the boys' reaction when you admitted to them that you were an omega. Because yes, now that the end of exams had arrived, and on top of that, you were going to be entitled to two weeks' rest, you were going to have to tell them (part of) the truth. You'd promised yourself you'd do it, you couldn't back out. Especially as your next heat could come at any moment. 

Perhaps that's also where the stress came from, that uncertainty, that lack of knowledge about the coming heat you were so worried about, about how you were going to manage it, about...

"Y/N... you're overthinking again."

You bite your lips nervously, shaking her head with a nervous smile. 

“Ah, yes, I’m sorry… I guess it’ll be better at the end of the day !”

Jin shook his head with a chuckle, and his face changed quickly from a most serious one, maybe the most serious face she had seen since she met him. 

“I’m sure it’s more than just… this exam, but you won’t talk to us, nor Jimin. You know we could never leave you, or judge you, no matter what it is ?”

So they all noticed you were acting differently, didn't they? Of course, they could. You weren’t the best to hide when something was wrong. And even if you were, Jimin could read you like an open book. And you did not doubt that he would have later confided to his partners. 

“I know, and it’s the same for me, I just… need to get done with this exam first.” you began, your voice trembling, “I know I haven't been... the most agreeable person lately, and I'm sorry for that, sincerely…”

You looked away, for some reason feeling your eyes sting, as if you wanted to cry. 

“Hey, hey, listen... look at me, please,” Jin's hands rested delicately on your cheeks. He waited patiently, and resumed once your eyes met, “You don't have to apologize, we all go through moments more tense, more difficult than others that make us more tense and nervous, no one here holds it against you, believe me.”

You nodded. He wiped the few tears from your eyes and leaned to place his lips on your forehead. And it's a good thing you had a certain amount of self-control, that you could restrain your actions, your desires, and your impulses, because the only craving you had right now when you felt Jin's soft lips against your forehead, was to raise your face and have your lips meet his. 

It was the hardest thing you'd ever had to do. 

“Ah, I have an idea !” he exclaimed as he stepped back, leaving you with a very unpleasant feeling of emptiness, “I'll drive you to your class, we'll go through the café, and Yoongi will give you croissants and coffee for you, Minnie, Kook' and Hobi!”

You blinked several times, not taking your eyes off him while he moved into your apartment to grab your bag.

“Wait!” You called out as you grabbed his arm, “I thought Yoongi didn’t want to be disturbed before the opening?” 

"Oh don't worry, we’ll be quick. Plus if it's you he won't say anything." Jin shrugged with a smirk as he handed her her bag, “You know, he doesn't show it, but he has a soft spot for you.”

You raised your eyes to the sky, trying to prevent your body from betraying you, but you couldn't. You could already feel your face and ears heating up. You knew Yoongi's temperament; he had his own way of showing affection to the people he loved. You also didn't doubt that he cared for you, but to use the word “soft spot”... 

“You're blushiiing...” Jin suddenly teased. 

“I'm not!” you exclaimed as you walked past him with your head down hiding any hints of blush if there were one, “Let's go! I don't want to be late!"

You didn't want Jin to be able to see what effect this was having on you, what effects they all were having on you. And that damn body that would only betray you... the coward! 

“Yes ma'am!” Jin couldn't hold back his giggle and stepped out with you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. The warmth of his embrace, his very singular scent didn't help your mood at all. “Aaah what are we going to do with you, little tsundere!”

“I'm not a... argh, you know what, never mind!” 

You didn't know why, but you had a feeling it was going to be a very long day. 

°°°

When you arrived at the dance hall less than an hour later, you quickly spotted Hoseok, Jungkook, and Jimin chatting with each other. Jungkook was the first to spot you and waved to you with his eternal big smile that melted you every time. 

You looked around for San and Wooyoung, remembering the day before that Wooyoung told you that some of the second and senior-year students would be there to watch the first years, which added a layer of stress because some of them, being alphas, were the ones who had almost harassed you to be an omega at the beginning of the year. 

But as you and Wooyoung had said to each other in the café when you first met: "We'll take the opportunity to nail all those pretentious alphas who like to spend their lives looking down on us!" 

And that was your main motivation right now. 

"Noona! We're here!" he exclaimed, drawing the attention of several students to you, which you decided to ignore because all their attention would be on you in about a dozen minutes anyway. 

"Oh great pastries!" exclaimed Jimin, taking the box from your hands as you handed it to him, "They're from Yoongi hyung!"

"Thank god, I love him so much, I'm starving..." muttered Jungkook who didn't wait to open the box and take out a cupcake which he bit into instantly. 

“Oh, you have Jin's scent on you...” Hoseok didn’t seem to be interested in pastries and approached you. You almost had the impression he was humming you quickly. "Hey, you're wearing his hoodie!”

You and Jin had gone to the café where Yoongi was already, and as Jin had told you earlier, Yoongi's face, initially shut and ready to scold Jin by reminding him that he didn't like to be disturbed in the morning, had immediately softened on seeing you appear beside him. Jin noticed this immediately and didn't stop himself from pointing out that he'd been right by giving you a little nudge on the shoulder and a chuckle, making you grumble as you did your best not to blush again. 

Yoongi of course understood why Jin had brought you along, because like everyone else, he knew that this day was important for Jungkook, Jimin, Hoseok, and you. 

He didn't ask any questions, he didn't even say a word. He just walked away and packed some pastries he knew you or the boys would enjoy, and you even noticed that he'd slipped a Strawberry Shortcake into the box, your favorite.  

When he walked to you and handed you the box, you could have sworn he brushed his fingers against yours on purpose, sending a long shiver down your spine. But he didn't notice, or so you hoped because even if he did, you didn't see any reaction from him. 

Once back in Jin's car, you noticed that you'd forgotten your jacket at the apartment, and unfortunately, you didn't have time to go home again. Jin hadn't hesitated to give you his hoodie, a café-au-lait-colored hoodie that was far too oversized for you, and you were floating in it, which made him laugh.  

The reason you couldn't say no was his smell. Like all of them, Jin had a very particular scent, very sweet but very strong, which invaded your whole being the moment the hoodie's fabric settled on your body. That same warmth returned to your stomach and probably also to your face, but Jin couldn't see it since you'd pulled the hood over your head. 

How could a simple piece of clothing make you feel so safe? 

“Noona? Noona!” Jungkook’s voice startled you, “Is everything fine? Don’t tell me you’re stressed!”

You blinked a few times and noticed your four friends staring at you, Jimin looking a little more worried than the others. Perhaps because he knew you best. 

“Ah yes, yes I’m fine!” you assured with a small smile, "Of course I'm stressed, not to be would be a sign of recklessness!"

"Well, I'm not really..."

"That's exactly what I'm saying!" you exclaimed, cutting off Hoseok who just couldn't help but laugh, "Ah and yes it's Jin's hoodie, I forgot my jacket at the apartment..."

"You could have asked me, I would have given you mine," Jimin muttered before receiving a small elbow from Hoseok. You looked at him, confused, and rubbed the back of your head with a shy smile. 

"You can give it to me if you want. No, wait... that's not what I meant..." you frowned, more to yourself, and tried to hide the heat wave by imagining yourself having not only Jin's scent but also Jimin's on you. 

"Oh no? What did you mean then?" Jungkook leaned towards her with a small smirk, "If you want I can pass you mine too, and I'm sure Hobi will do the same!" 

You frowned as you realized that Jungkook was starting to tease you, suspicions confirmed when Hobi also tapped him on the shoulder. But the mere idea of being surrounded by all the smells of your roommates and friends was enough to send a wave of warmth through your lower belly and your whole being. 

You had to change the subject, avoid the conversation going any further, or maybe find Wooyoung... 

Just when you needed it most, Wooyoung came up behind you and almost jumped on your back, snatching a laugh in the process. 

"Yo, did you miss me?" said Wooyoung in a cheerful tone who had his arm wrapped around your shoulder, he turned to your three friends and greeted them, a thin smile on his lips as he saw Jimin's reaction. It had reached the point where Wooyoung liked to make fun of Jimin's reactions, as he was the one who was the most protective of you, and according to Wooyoung, even jealous and possessive. But you still refused to believe it, being 100% certain that Jimin felt nothing but deep friendship. 

"You can't even imagine," you said ironically, rolling your eyes before grabbing Wooyoung's wrist and pulling you away from your three friends, "there's one last thing we need to discuss, good luck for later!"

"If you think we need luck..." chuckled Jungkook, making you roll your eyes at him again.  

You quickly walked away with Wooyoung, isolating yourselves in a corner of the dance hall, before letting out a long sigh.

"Wow, you don't look good, tense? Don't worry, we'll handle it!"

"Partly, but not only, there's something really weird going on..." 

You quickly told Wooyoung what had happened with Jin, then your reaction to your previous conversation with Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok. 

He remained silent for a few seconds after your explanation, before simply shrugging his shoulders. 

"It's a common thing with omegas, it's called a nest. Well, it's not a nest, but your behavior bears a strong resemblance to one." 

Seeing your confusion, Wooyoung gave a little laugh, not a mocking laugh, but an affectionate one, because indeed, you had a lot to learn. 

He then explained to you that a nest is usually a place where an omega can be comfortable and relaxed, whether they are in heat or just having a bad day. It mostly is the omega’s couch, filled with soft things, the most smelling like their mates if they have one. When they are mated, omegas can share their nest with their partner. 

"But that's the basic definition, made by idiots who like to put us in cases. It's happened very often with us that one of our alphas made a nest himself, because as long as it comforts them, why does it have to be only for omegas?" 

You nodded and smiled. Well, of course, Wooyoung was right, and when you learned this, you wondered why you'd never heard of what a nest was before today. Having grown up in an all-alpha family, a very closed-minded family at that, you weren't surprised that they didn't practice this sort of thing. Thinking back to your mother and sister, you realize that they could both use a little bit of it. As well as a good therapy.

"So that means it's not a sign that I'm going into heat?" you asked, a long sigh of relief leaving your lips as Wooyoung nodded. "Good, I wish I could tell them before it happens, I wouldn't like to... force it on them you know." 

"I understand, don't worry. Are you planning to tell them today?" 

You'd had a long talk with him the day before, about your decision to tell Jimin and your friends that you were an omega, to tell them the whole story. 

"Don't forget that if anything goes wrong, our door is wide open to you! Hongjoong hyung will welcome you with open arms, even though I'm sure everything will go perfectly!"

Wooyoung's optimism could be contagious at times. But he was right, you shouldn't think about the negative, you knew your friends after all, and you knew Jimin better than anyone else in this world. They wouldn't reject you for that. 

You hadn't had time to reply, the teachers, and a few senior students, including San, entered the room. The first-year students fell silent, knowing that the serious part was just about to begin. 

°°°

"Wait, you're first?!"

Jungkook exclaimed, looking at the grade board a few hours later. He turned to Wooyoung and you, as did several students who whispered words you didn't even understand. 

Slowly, you walked over to the board and looked at the sheet of paper on which the grades were written.

Jungkook Jimin and Hoseok were second. It had to be said that their performance was incredible. They had successfully mixed their solo and trio performances, creating a highly original tableau while respecting the given instructions. 

But apparently, the teachers preferred you and Wooyoung's performance. Even if there were only five small points that set you apart from your friends. 

A week before the exam, you and Wooyoung came up with the idea of teaching each other's solo choreography to the other. The solo instruction was that the creation had to be original and from the student himself, and there was no indication that the duo dance partner couldn't participate. Several of you had this idea in your class.

It seems this technique had paid off because you were now top of the class. 

"I don't believe it... Y/n pinch me please," asked Wooyoung in a whisper, before letting out a little scream as you obeyed. "Hey, that hurts!"

"You asked me to pinch you!" you exclaimed, turning to face him. 

"But it wasn't serious! Ah, we're first noona, we made it!" Wooyoung's face lit up and he took you in his arms, making you burst into a frank laugh, but also a way of letting out all the stress accumulated over the last few weeks. 

You hugged Wooyoung for a few seconds, unable to hide your joy and relief at having achieved such a formidable accomplishment, knowing the talented dancers in your group. Of course, you couldn't help but feel a hint of satisfaction at being able to rise above Jimin and your friends. 

You, who'd always had that imposter syndrome when dancing alongside talented dancers like Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok, seeing your name inscribed in front of theirs made you realize that you belonged here, that you deserved it, like them, like Wooyoung.

San called Wooyoung, who jumped into his arms and couldn't help but share his joy with his boyfriend. San hugged him back, praising him. He stretched out his hand to you, and you gave him a high five as he winked at you.

"Noona!"

You turned to Jimin, who was walking towards you with a smile like you'd never seen before. Behind him, Jungkook and Hoseok seemed to be just as happy for you, and that only made your heart beat faster. 

You'd always known that between you and Jimin, there'd never been any competition, but you'd had this little thought that maybe Jungkook and Hoseok wouldn't be like him, and you were so relieved to find out that you were wrong. 

“It’s amazing, you are amazing!”

Jimin couldn't resist taking you in his arms, hugging you tightly. This time, you couldn't refuse this hug, you needed it. The stress of the last few weeks was fading away, and you missed your best friend's touch more than ever. 

Anyway, you'd tell them tonight that you were an omega, you didn't want to hide anymore.

°°°

Or maybe, you could wait a little more? 

Because now that you were probably a few minutes before telling (one of) the deepest secrets you ever had, you didn’t know if it was a good idea. 

They were all here, you were all in Namjoon, Jin, and Yoongi’s apartment. They had decided to order a multitude of dishes and side dishes, which you shared on the coffee table. At the center of the table was a large bouquet made by Taehyung himself, who couldn't help himself when he heard how well Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok and you'd done. 

“Y/N please, don't forget us when you'll be one of Beyoncé's main dancers, okay? I'd love to have an autograph!”

You nearly choked on your soda at Jin's remark, causing general hilarity. 

“I don't want to dance for Beyoncé!” you couldn't help but laugh despite it, and you got up to grab a towel from the kitchen to wipe yourself off, “ah I swear Jin... you do have an imagination...”

You rolled your eyes as you heard them still laughing and joking about it. From the kitchen, you had a perfect view of the living room and your friends. They were eating, laughing, and teasing each other. There was no negativity in the room. You didn't want to risk ruining it now. But at the same time, you told yourself that if you didn't do it now, you'd never have the courage to do it again. You'd then have your heat without the ability to hide it, things could then degenerate one way or another, and you could lose them forever. 

The thought only was enough to bring tears to your eyes. 

“Hey Y/N, everything okay?”

Yoongi's voice startled you, and you realized that he had joined you in the kitchen. The others didn't seem to have noticed your sudden tension, too busy with their conversations, unlike him. 

You didn't answer, just stared at him blankly at first, and could read the worry in his eyes, but also that little spark of gentleness that was so peculiar to him, a look that could give courage to anyone for whom it was intended. That look meant “You can do it, everything will be all right.” 

It was the same feeling you had when you spoke to Jin earlier this morning, except that Jin passed it on with his words. 

Your heart beat too fast, your mouth went dry. You had to do it. 

Without breaking eye contact, you finally opened your lips, and the words came out slowly, in an insecure, trembling voice. 

“I'm an omega.” 

The others didn't seem to hear you. Yoongi remained silent for a few seconds, without saying a word. Seconds that seemed to last an eternity. Seconds when you had time to imagine the worst possible scenarios, and he seemed to have guessed it.

It was only when he gently took your hand in his that you noticed it was shaking. 

“I know.” he murmured in a soft, reassuring voice, seeing your eyes widened with surprise and confusion, he shook his head with a small laugh, ” Later.”

You opened your mouth to reply but soon saw Jimin's face in your sight. 

“Noona! What's the matter? Are you alright? Did you burn yourself? you-”

“Jimin, let her talk, will you?”

This time it was Namjoon who had spoken, his voice sounding just as reassuring as Yoongi's. Everyone had fallen silent and was staring at you. You looked at each of them, ending with Jimin, whose gaze was filled with unspeakable concern.

You felt a slight pressure on your hand from Yoongi, who wanted to give you the courage to go for it. 

So, like with him, you did your best to gather your thoughts, to coordinate your voice and the words that should come from your lips.

“I... I am an Omega...”

Unfortunately, your voice was shakier than the first time. You couldn't help feeling even more ridiculous as you felt your eyes sting with tears.

“I am sorry... truly sorry I... I didn't mean to hide it...” you managed to articulate, ”I thought I was a beta until... recently and... I panicked.” you take a deep breath as you squeeze Yoongi's hand a little tighter, ”I'll understand if you're angry with me, if you don't want to be friends anymore or...”

“Don't be ridiculous!” 

You recognized Jimin's voice and embrace, which came suddenly, but which you accepted with barely hidden relief. His voice was shaking.

“You're my best friend, the most important person in my life as if that could change over something as trivial as that!”

You couldn't hold back a tear that ran down your cheek. Tear that couldn't finish its way when Yoongi ran his finger over your cheek to wipe it away. 

“It doesn't matter if you're an omega, an alpha, or a beta. You're our Y/N, we love you just the way you are!” exclaimed Jungkook, who sounded just as relieved as Taehyung and Jin. 

Namjoon nodded with a small smile and approached you. You had trouble seeing him, as Jimin had decided to cling to you. 

“It happens frequently actually. You think you are an alpha, and it turns out you're a beta, or an omega, or the other way around.” He explained, placing his hand on your hair as you acquiesced, which he began to stroke in a way that was intended to be gentle and reassuring. 

“You all don’t seem that surprised…” you said as you remembered words a few minutes ago, and when you heard Jungkook cough, you turned to him, confused. 

“I… I heard you a few weeks ago, you were on the phone with Wooyoung… Yoongi hyung heard me and we told the others…”

Ok, this one you didn't see it coming. But in the end, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

“Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jimin finally asked, looking at you curiously, and somewhat a little hurt by your silence, which you thought was totally valid. 

“Minnie, can you let go of her ?” Hoseok asked with a little laugh. 

“No, I have months of hugs to catch up !” he exclaimed, his grip on you tightening a little, making the others sigh. But you couldn’t help but let out a laugh. You didn’t mind it at all. You need it more than anything right now.

Oh how you missed his embrace, his warmth, his scent all over you. It felt so good, so right to be in his arms. It felt like where you should be. 

It felt like home.

“I didn't tell you because... when I saw the disgust... the disappointment in my mother's eyes...” You shook your head, swallowing back your tears, “That's why she asked me not to come anymore. I couldn't have supported... I couldn't have supported losing you too...” You looked at Jimin who held you closer to him, "to lose you all..."

Admitting these words out loud was harder than you thought. You weren't the kind of person to talk openly about your feelings, fears, and anxieties. 

“I don't want things to change, I don’t want you to treat me differently...”

You bit your lower lip. Your heart was beating a hundred miles. 

“I hope I never have to meet your parents,” Hoseok said in a cold voice you'd never heard from him, and strangely you found it oddly seductive.

“What a bunch of assholes,” Taehyung said disdainfully.

“I'm not even going to correct you this time. What a bunch of jerks.” Jin shook his head, frowning.

“Look, who cares? You're an omega, so what? Is this about your heat? We'll find a way to deal with it, just like we do with our ruts. We don't care, that's not the most important.” Namjoon smiles affectionately at you, “The main thing is that you feel comfortable with us, that we're all comfortable with each other, that's how a pack works after all, isn't it?”

This time, you hid your face against Jimin's shoulder, unable to hold back your tears any longer. 

“Wait... did I say something wrong?” Namjoon asked somewhat panicked, making the others laugh, even you, between sobs. 

“Don't worry, some stress to relieve.” Yoongi grabbed Namjoon's hand, kissing his cheek at the same time, before moving back to the sofa. “She’s fine now, everything will be fine from now on.”

“Ah Noona, I was so scared!” Taehyung exclaimed as he came around to hug you from behind, his torso pressing against your back. 

All these weeks, all this stress, this tension, this constant fear of living through this fateful moment had just come to an end tonight. 

Wooyoung had been right, once again. Things couldn't have gone better. 

Perhaps there was still the feelings thing, but for the moment, you didn't want to think about it. You just wanted to enjoy this moment, this acceptance you'd never had before today. You just wanted to enjoy Jimin's warmth, which you'd missed so much, and Taehyung's, and even Jungkook, who'd added to the hug somehow. 

As Jimin said, he didn't let go of you all evening, snuggling up to you like a Koala to its branch. You don't remember how the evening ended, except that you found yourself lying in a bed between Hoseok and Jimin. 

And for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, you slept a nightmare-free sleep, your heart and soul as light as they'd ever been. 

[toyaslove]

HIII!!

I’m glad I can FINALLY request anything😭

Many writers have closed requests and there was no hurt -> comfort content of PJSK chars. Soooo… I’ll ask something

May I request for Toya and Akito (separate) with a depressed!gn!reader? Like the reader tries to commit suicide but Akito/Toya stops them?

Pretty pls~

A/N: HIIII SO OMG I LOVE UR REQ mainly cuz i already tried that 4 times lol... btw, there IS hurt to comfort pjsk fics, u just gotta search ^^ (I read all Toya fics around tumblr and there are some hurt to comfort :P) SOOO tysm for ur req I love it

Tw!!!!: Suicide, self-harm, cursing, ANGST

Pls look at the tw... (double checking)

Toya Aoyagi & Akito Shinonome (separately) x GN!Reader

Tags: Come get your summer pancake ginger:~ @mccnstruck , @maxident-xx , @miya-akane , @sentientsoil , @akitosheart

Come get your winter coffee addicted~ @sentientsoil , @miya-akane , @akitosheart

S-icide attempt

Writing style: story

(Again, check the tw's)

秋–くん🔥

It was late at night. Everything was spinning. You couldn't feel nothing, but despair, angst, sadness. Actually, did you feel anything? Was there anything in your heart right now? You couldn't cry, you couldn't feel anything. You were doped of medications, such as antidepressants, to not have these stupid thoughts, but whatever they were trying to do, they weren't working. Maybe if you went to a psychiatrist they would double your dose, wouldn't they? You thought of this. But... what if you don't need to spend more money on these? What if... you disappeared. Just. Did it. Why feel more pain? Why make your friends suffer while you're alive? It will be quick... Of course, everyone would be sad with your absence, but it would be less than a life-time, such as you bothering all of them daily... it will be less painful for both sides, won't it?

With this thought, your wrists dripping a red tone liquid, you look down your feet. You're on the 12th floor of a building, you look down with fear, cars and vehicles are passing in the road, but it won't stop you. You're shaking...

Then, the only thing you see is darkness. You close your eyes and you're ready to give a step forward, putting one foot on the air. You flinch when you hear a voice coming from behind you, a despaired and panting voice.

"What the actual fuck are you doing?!" – A familiar voice screams, a ginger figure appears in the rooftop, making you fall behind and gasp. The person was holding a messy piece of paper, the sight is familiar, your suicide letter.

"Are you crazy?! You know you could have died there!!!" – Akito speaks in despair and anger. He looks at you with a painful and worried expression, with a bit of rage. He sits in front of you, taking both of your hands in his.

"I... I just didn't want to... bother you anymore. All of you. I'm sorry" You speak in pain, you break down in tears. Akito, as he sees you in that state, frowns more, but his rage disappears. The only thing he does is wrapping his arms around you, as tight as he can, as if you were about to vanish (well somewhat you were (IM SORRY)

He's not really good at words, so he demonstrates his affection that way. But... maybe today he'll open an exception...

"Dang it... never do that anymore... never again. I don't want to lose you, please... I love you way too much for that to happen."

Akito speaks in the most caring tone he could. You have never seen him this affectionate, around anyone. Never ever. You can hear muffled and quiet whines coming from Akito while you hug him.

"If... if it will make you that way, I won't try it again..."

In the end, Akito didn't leave you for the whole night, focing you to accept him at your place... he can't handle you wanting to do this.

冬弥♥︎ (俺の彼氏) ❄️

You couldn't handle it. Everything was so tough. Everything. You couldn't breathe, it was hard. How are you going to do it with so much pressure? So much stress? You feel unlovable, you feel empty. Who would care if you died? I mean... they would cry for a while, but... later they would forget you. They always do, don't they? Your friends, family, people you care for... they all have a first place, and it was not you. You're just alive to bother, you're just letting people down, your presence was a nuisance, everyone only invited you to go out out of pure obligation. They didn't care at all. So, why would you keep being a weight to them? A pain on the ass? You feel so stupid, so helpless, so miserable. Everything is going wrong to you in your life, you see no future... so, why move forward to suffer more when you could just end it all? The pain would go away, your friends and known people would be happy after a while in the end... it would be less weight to you and to everyone else.

You keep thinking and thinking, all of this. Everything. Everything was so awful. You look at the train rail, waiting for it to come. You see a soft light at the end of the tunnel, it was arriving... you position yourself in the rail, close your eyes and wait. It will be quick, you thought to yourself.

It was arriving... it was closer and closer... your heart was beating fast out of fear and anxiety, but you knew it's going to be ok. Everything... Everything...

Seconds before the train passed in the rail where you were sitting, you felt a strong grip on your wrist, pulling you out of the rails. You could feel the drift from the train passing behind you. You open your eyes, to find a sight of a split-haired boy, looking at you with tears in his eyes, panting.

"W-what were you trying to do..." he speaks with his voice shaking and stuttering. The known sight of Toya, but different... you have never seen him this sad, this despaired, this scared... His eyes were watery, and his cheeks were also wet. He grips onto you and hugs you as tight as he can. You can feel his body shaking. Tears start to form in your eyes when you realise what's going on around you... Toya... what you tried to do... everything... he was holding your suicide letter tightly.

"What... what did you mean by... 'I won't be a bother anymore. It will be one less weight to your life'... What... what made you think that? You were never a weight, never. Did I do something for you to think that way?" – Toya speaks pulling away slightly from the hug, tears roll down his cheeks, he holds both of your hands tightly.

You shake your head, you speak quietly and painfully "I couldn't handle life anymore... I'm sorry... you haven't done anything wrong. It's just me... I think the meds weren't making effect, or my depression just got worse-"

Toya puts a finger in your mouth, he looks at you with empathy and pure care

"You don't have to apologise or explain yourself... just, promise you won't try this again... or this..." – Toya speaks, he takes your wrist in his hand, showing your scars, some of them fresh and some of them old.

"I care about you deeply... I don't want to lose you. I don't... I love you way too much to let you go"

He holds both of your hands tightly, as if you were to vanish within seconds. He wraps his arms around your waist and strokes your backs back and forth, a soothing and gentle motion.

"If... if that's the case... I'll try my best to also show you how much I care about you"

Toya, after that, will try his best to take smiles from you. Whatever if it's giving you gifts, hugging you, using words of affirmation, or making silly jokes, he will try his best. He also bakes a lot for you, your favourite things (and they're really, really good. Toya always think so much about you, he does his best to bake the best desserts and cook the best food for you ♥︎)

Later on that night, Toya brought you to your place and you two stayed in, playing games or doing anything that would make you happy and enjoy yourself. He will ask you if you two can cuddle, he would always ask if he could touch you in any situation~

Always remember... Akito and Toya will always be there to love you and care about you <3

They would never let something like this happen to you, you're too precious to them

Always have this in mind <3 stay safe

A/N: HELP ME I'm sorry if this got a bit too... uhhh... personal... cuz like I started adding some reasons to the reader's attempt of suicide, I had to think of smt and i ended up putting some of my feelings 😭 i hope u like it, stay safe guys <3 ty for sending me reqs and for the last 121 notes :P

[aphrodite1288]

im sorry but saying ksoo never said Ji about his premature enlistment is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. I mean that's something he didn't decide a week before his enlistment it might be imposible for Ji not knowing that. If that's true which I think it's not the case I directly broke up with him like that's not a decision you make alone if u are in a long term relationship

First of all guys whom are Non-Kaisooists, I saw Kadi kissing and going on Vacations in Spain, Hungary, Hawaii, L.A, Philippines and Jeju, and in Sapporo and Osaka, you will not affect me or change my mind with your asks. So spear yourself the effort and don't come here if our blog irritates you! What you believe keep it for yourself no need to come convince us what you believe. Do I make you this Angry that you had to come anonymously send such dumb questions?

So back to the main topic:

If you were a real EXOL you would know EXO said Ksoo came to them without any notice and said I'm going to be enlisted in 2 months and it was in April and they clearly said they were shocked all of them when he announced that he applied for the Military and signed all the paperwork and done some of the medical checkups.

And Honey, I didn't say it ! It's the People who know better than me and you said.

The members also said he told them nonchalantly as if it wasn't a big deal. He didn't even discuss it with the company to reschedule any future projects because simply he has had enough of SM and he sabotaged them his own way. And the members said they were all so supportive.

And Ji was there with them and after Ksoo's enlistment Ji went absent for two months straight no bubble messages no Instagram lives nothing he went disappearing. under the excuse that he forgot his password. After that he was so depressed and sad and shortly before SuperM's debut he came on RadioStar show and revealed he suffered from Depression the past few months which explains his absence , he also said he is seeking medical help with a therapist!

And I still remember the MC shamelessly and Rudely asked Suho if he knew about this and him and the members were all so taken aback and they showed sad expression and that Stupid MC again shamelessly told Suho : "Did you know about your member was mentally exhausted and depressed? You Should be more attentive to your members'mental health!!" and Suho was so embarrassed and hurt that he apologized to Jongin and told him " I'll pay more attention to you and the members from now on and always come to Hyung whenever you feel like you need to talk, don't hide it". Because Ji clearly said he didn't tell any member that he was in deep depression or that he was regularly seeing a Therapist.

And it was a very critical Kadi period that he went for hiatus for two months and even earlier that year in 2019 after jenkai, Ksoo fought with SM and was reported to have left the company remember March 13th 2019?? (if you were in this blog since 2019 they talked a lot about this and explained everything regarding how Jenkai is related to Ksoo's case with SM and how it affaceted Kadi and Ji). Ksoo went missing since Jenkai exactly since January 5th when he was seen in Blue dragon awards show or whatever I don't remember the name, until his enlistment day July 1st, he was ABSENT. AKsoo took a long vacation refusing to be on any Schedule and refused to film Underdogs2 and refused all Acting projects and even refused to be on any Exo schedule as he was in a major mental health crisis and he even filed a lawsuit saying he was being overworked for 7 years with 0 off days unlike the other members, it was his first vacation since he debuted and SM only gave him 7 days vacation in 7 years and he talked about it in The 100Days Husband Press Conference and Booklet ,it's one of the main reasons he wanted to leave which is why the rumor dropped in March 2019, it was reported that he wanted all the accumulated Vacations since 2012 SM wanted to rob from him! Which is why he went missing for 6 months and we saw him going to Japan 3 times with Chanyeol in February remember? Also Baekhyun said he met Ksoo accidentally in Japan and they had a meal together. At that time Ji went to Philippines with his friends. This time Kadi were on a break from each other. And Ji didn't speak to Ksoo and there were no sightings of the both of them together anywhere and Ksoo didn't stay with Ji at all and they weren't even on talking terms.

Every couple have downfalls like this it's normal. We all almost broke up or even broken up with our partners at one point of our lives. Especially if you're in over a decade relationship of almost 14 years.

Anyway the story is too long. I can explain it all if you DM me instead of Hiding like this.

[boxwinebaddie]

miss ninaaa why did u delete the kyley b origin story jewelery ask, i was IN LOVE with ittt

Anonymous asked:

wha happened to the kyley b post i miss iy already nina :(

AAAAAAAAH. :'( </3

so when i went to bed last night, i saw this first anon and already felt bad, but now that this second one has come in, i just want to say...

...that i am so, SO sorry, my loves.

and to quote every bad movie breakup scene ever:

it's not you, it's me.

( and specifically my very fucked up brain. )

HERE is the link to the kyley b (jew)elery origin post.

i plucked it out of the lost and pound just for you.

i'm...sorry, i deleted it.

**and heavily edited it; it was bugging me.

the short version of my answer is that i developed a very poor coping mechanism for stress/perceived inferiority where even though i love my ncu content, i convince myself that it's bad and i hate it, to the point where i 'make it disappear' so that it's no longer an eyesore.

the very long, personal mental health uncle nina psychological eval with a lowk frightening beginning and hopeful ( i think? ) end is below. tw for depressing thoughts and mentally-ill framing.

I Hope You Heal. <3

because, unfortunately, as a bipolar two girlie, i am extremely prone to spells and spirals of depression ( especially in the summertime ), which, when combined with my already self-confidence cannibalizing anxiety disorder creates a very toxic, negative, medieval torture chamber of a headspace which makes makes my brain…

Very Unwell.

in essence, because of how frighteningly fragile i become, even tiniest inkling of doubt in my mind can poison the entire inkwell...and when that happens, even though i know, deep down, in a healthy, reasonable place, that the content i curate is well-composed, well-received writing that i am passionate about and should be proud of...the cracks and fissures that form in my heart and pysche from the broiler room of pressure i put on myself to preform create several vulnerable visceral openings for My Imposter Syndrome to worm into.

but instead of whispering sweet, sweet nothings, it's doomsay screaming awful, awful Everythings! that this thing you wrote that you love? not good enough. Everyone Is Going To Hate That. the people who liked that post? they just feel sorry for you and if you had any remorse, you would feel sorry for subjecting them to something so underwhelming, stupid, embarrassing and beneath them.

You Should Delete It.

[ DELETE. ] IT.

...aaaaand because the sirens are going off in my head, i feel like the walls are closing in, i frantically press the panic button ( delete post ) and think that i am doing everyone a favor bc not only are you no longer having to read what my extremely overloaded and anxiety corroded brain has classified as "EMBARRASSINGLY BAD" work, but i no longer have to feel ashamed bc it's

Gone.

or well...Privated. ( in this case. )

because i DO work so hard on everything i post that even when i think that it is extremely underwhelming no matter what i do, it is Hard for me to delete it because of the brain-power, intensive-typing and heart that went into making them...so like...it's a strange thing because i know that it's just an echo-chamber of evil lies and untruths, but when i'm rocking back and forth, with my chest eating my knees, and my entire education degree goes out the window when i can't teach myself how to breathe because of how bad i feel...

it's hard.

but...like i tell my kindergarteners everyday.

You Can Do HARD Things.

life is not easy, but it is worth it.

loving yourself is not easy...

But YOU Are Worth It.

unfortunately, i am a better at preaching than practicing. but a large part of my irl job is modelling good behavior and on here, i was deeply moved and touched to find that so many of you think so highly of me, so i also want to model good behavior on here.

which hinges on honesty...and hope.

so, basically, i did delete my post, which is made me feel good in the moment, but overall is not kind to myself ( or to the people who enjoyed reading the thing i randomly killed with knives and hammers because it wasn't 'Perfect' ) and i do not like modelling avoidant behavior, but it is also important to show you that i struggle, that it is okay to feel strange and sad, but that i am working on...not deleting my posts because i am a perfectionist/scared of letting you all down.

which...was clearly not the case? Wowza.

i really did not realize so many people cared about that, aha! but please feel free to ask me anything about kyley b kyle ( i have been trying to generate my thoughts and form some hcs actually! i love him being a sardonic, smart alecky delinquent boy in giant ed hardy jeans and a million different street fighter gta rings on his fingers )

also feel free to ask me anything, flashback related, random hc related, personal or otherwise! i know i've got a ton in the box, but i promise that just because i'm going through a lot and posting sporadically, doesn't mean you have be a stranger...

Just Be Gentle.

with me and as always,

with yourselves.

-uncle nina, doing her best <3

[bots-and-cons]

I've noticed people had invested in your story of your scarlet witch reader story so am i, but i understand if you don't want to write this anymore if that makes u uncomfortable then i'm sorry and i understand. But here's my request :

I want to ask for a request one-shot for Scarlet Witch Reader with Wheeljack to have a moment together before Redear's "death", like Jackie noticed her depressed moment one time, alone, away from the bots and wanted to talk to her if Reader needs some comfort but all the Raeder had said :

"I'm sorry...i know you're trying....I'm just so tired ..." Reader mumured, voice cracking, finally gives in. "And every single time I thought it was over I’d arrogantly sit right here, thinking I will suddenly be healed and ready to move on, being accepting again. Little did I know that the wave would keep crashing---knocking me right back down again. A continuous wave I can’t escape from. And eventually, it’s just going to drown me."

Since Wheeljack is the only one bot who didn't resent the Reader or didn't treat her like a monster, how will Wheeljack react to Reader's confession? Will he comfort her? Giving an advice or at least a hug? Will that moment haunt him after her "gone"?

Oh yeah, people seemed really interested in that one. I don’t mind writing more fic stuff for it, it's just that I got a bit tired of answering all the questions about it. I don't even remember everything I said, so this might not go according to what I wrote before. Since I didn’t tag them with anything special, I can't be bothered to look for them either, so here I go with my ramblings again. I wanted to do a scenario, which is why I left this as the last request. The first part to this, or I guess what would come after this can be found here. Just a little disclaimer, the last time I watched TFP was in 2019 so I barely have any memory of Jackie’s character because I write him so rarely. I apologize if this is severely OOC

You’d made your decision, you would disappear. When and how though? You weren’t sure but you would take your chance when you saw it. You packed a bag and hid it in the locker at a nearby bus terminal. You could get to it after you got away from the autobots so you would have something to start with.

On one of your final days with the autobots, you were just wandering around the base aimlessly. You weren’t sure what you were even doing there anymore. Sure the autobots were trying to keep you safe from the decepticons, but you could do that by yourself too. You were strong enough to do that.

For about the last half a year, things had been getting progressively worse. It started almost immediately after the autobots took you under their protection. You were helping them fight some of the decepticons and a boulder you threw hit the wrong target. You hit Bulkhead in the back making him fall down. He almost got his helm crushed in by Breakdown in the process, but managed to avoid the hammer strike at the last second. That’s when it started. The judgemental looks and hushed whispers.

You thought they would be different, that the autobots would understand because they too were different, but you were wrong. You thought they wouldn’t try to chain you down and make you keep your powers hidden, but they did. Ratchet was especially skeptical about your ability to control your powers, and as the little mistakes started piling up, the skepticism spread.

Aside from the incident with Bulkhead, nothing serious happened again, but all the little mistakes and accidents were interpreted as malicious on your part.

“Hey (Name)!” Wheeljack exclaimed, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Hmm?” you turned around to face him.

Wheeljack had noticed you were getting progressively more tired and anxious during the last few weeks. He had noticed the others treating you in a way that was in his opinion quite unfair. Jackie hadn’t exactly vocally protested against Arcee or Ratchet’s comments, but he hadn’t agreed with them either.

“Ya doin okay?” he asked.

“I’ve seen better days” you joked halfheartedly.

“Come with me” Jackie said, turning to walk back down the hall.

“Where are you taking me exactly?”

“I just thought we could talk without someone eavesdroppin on us” he shrugged, heading for the elevator. “Besides, ya need to get out of this place sometimes”

You followed him, not really saying anything as you took the elevator up to the top. It wasn’t very cold outside yet, so you could easily stay up there for a while without a jacket. You sat down on a rock as you looked at the sunset. If you were lucky, this would be one of your last nights at the base. It was a bit of a pity to lose such a great sunset watching spot though. You sat there for a while, not saying anything, just looking at the horizon.

“So, what’s going on with ya lately? You seem pretty down nowadays”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re trying, you’re probably the only who gives a damn about me anymore anyway” you muttered.

“I’m sure that’s not true…” Jackie said, not really sure if he was lying or not.

“I thought I could find a place here with you guys. A place where I wouldn’t be shunned, but apparently that’s not the case. I thought I could heal here, to finally find some sort of kinship with someone who understands what it’s like to be different, to be unfairly feared by others, but I just keep getting knocked down, continuously…” you vented, not sure why you were suddenly opening up to him like this.

You and Wheeljack weren’t even particularly close, but he was the only one who had never really held your powers against you like the others had. Even though he didn’t defend you against the other bots, not that they ever said what they thought to your face anyway, he never looked at you judgmentally.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I let it all out like that” you sighed.

That was the last talk Wheeljack had with you. He never really believed you had died after you disappeared, but he never went looking for you. Based on what you’d said before you disappeared, if you were still out there, you were probably happier without the autobots, and that’s all he could ask for.

Still, he felt like he should’ve done more. He should’ve at least said something but he didn’t know how to answer you. He didn’t know how to comfort you, or it was even his place to do so. Now it was too late, you were gone, and dead or not he wouldn’t get a second chance, but maybe it was better that way.

[the-halfling-prince]

tell us about harlowwwww plz (if u feel like it)

Yessssssssss it's Harlow time BABEY. I'm just gonna throw out some completely not interconnected thoughts about various things from the series I don't think I've talked about yet.

Harlow Stormrage has a bad case of "I can fix him" syndrome and honestly considering the fact that she got the dude who hated her the most to be her ally in the first book, it's entirely understandable.

Harlow and Tiger's moms were like literally the best friends ever. Just two cool adventurer ladies who go on their little journeys and then like... Disappear never to be seen again.

There are multiple characters who originally were only gonna show up in the last two books but their characters were so flat. I just had them so I could have like... the people, if that makes any sense. But most of them I did create some book plots to throw in there and now they're some of my fave characters (y'all who know how much I love the Karlsson twins would think I was crazy for how they are barely there in the original plots. Holly and Eerikki Karlsson im so sorry)

Also sort of building off of that last point, the character of Harlow's dad was supposed to be like completely irredeemable in the first ideas of the book. He really sucked. And then he was supposed to die in the last book, not even as an act of heroic sacrifice. Just like... Oof he's dead. And it was supposed to be Harlow struggling with the fact that she missed and grieved him even though he was a shit dad. But when I added more than just the three books, I expanded on his character and I was like "okay I can work with this way better" and now he feels like a normal person. And based on how I wrote Harlow's mom, I don't think she would've married someone who was a complete and total asshole. Of course he does still make the god awful decision to disown Harlow at one point but then it's explained later, and while it's not excusable, it does make more sense as to why he did it. And after Tiger "dies" (he's fine. Could you imagine if he wasn't? Gosh that would've been awful if I had actually decided to kill him off. Let's just say y'all do NOT want to hear what I wrote for the original final scene of the books it's depressing as shit) Harlow's dad is way more human and sympathetic to his mourning child and like it's a whole thing where he finally sees her as a child.

Y'all I'm constantly reminding myself "oh yeah these characters are babies. What." Like when I started the books I was as old as Harlow in book one. Now I'm as old as like Careless in the last book. (Also I hated Careless when I was 12. Now he's my fave I love my archer son)

Y'all I need y'all to know the amount of characters that we're originally supposed to die in the last book but I got too attached. Like obvi there was Harlows dad and Tiger (Yeah weird literally why did I do that) but there was also like half of the mentioned adults (I was so ready to just invent some orphans and for why) and also Eerikki Karlsson. Who in this plot líne had like no part and there would've been no weight to his death because who even was that guy??? Anyway yeah I'm glad I got over that. 14 yo me just liked being edgy and torturing my readers ig.

Well that's all I've to say for now, thank you for your time

[blixabargelds]

Frankie I was coming to tell you that you posting Louis Hofmann led to me developing a bit of a hyperfixation and discovering last night that he’s currently a London based DJ (because I have no one else to share this information with) but I saw your earlier post so I’ll tell you: I like you and remember you and am proud of you and will wait for you and won’t forget you and think you have (way way more than) a single shred of worth and that you’ll get your brain back at some point soon and you don’t have to disappear forever.

When I first started mood stabilizers I said the same thing about how I’d rather be unstable and creative. I felt like a zombie. I couldn’t do anything. It was so depressing. Everything felt worse. I hesitate to say that because like that’s not great to hear but it’s the truth. Mood stabilizers are a bitch and all my homies hate them but I swear once you get things worked out they’re better.

But please don’t think you’re without worth and please don’t disappear! I’m not being hollow telling you these things either. I’m lowkey parasocial because my social anxiety is too bad to try and be normal and just talk and try to become mutuals but I still thought of you when I read about Louis. I just finished Dark. I’m about to watch Prelude after you posted about it. Your online presence is more than just being a mota writer. You’re still so interesting and creative. If you disappeared I’d forever think of Frankie aka user blixabargelds aka hart.

Sorry this is long winded and probably weird… but hang in there. It’ll get better with the meds!

yeah he is 😭😭 his mixes are here lmaoo also he has very good playlists on his spotify kfjfkfh when i found this out me and elo were like ????? no ofc this makes sense. he’s played in a club i’ve been to in berlin sadly not when i was there tho lol anyways louis hofmann boilerroom set opening with the dark theme tune the same way my nu leng opened their HÖR set with the annihilation score when ?? would say louis HÖR set bc berlin however we don’t fuck w asking artists to remove pro palestine clothing and then shut down their sets when they don’t sooo boilerroom it is pls anyway that’s my. djing rant

noo this is all so so sweet thank you so much 🥺 and really reassuring honestly. i know i just have to be patient it’s just like. head feels like a brick in a washing machine rn like everything has happened so fast from like going truly off the rails to narrowly avoiding hospital to getting diagnosed to getting put on this drug that is meant to help but feels like it’s killing my brain and my doctors are still tweaking it so i’ve not even been on the right dose for longer than a week yet they’ve just been fucking around with it for like a month after all the ✨drama✨ and like. objectively i need to be soo patient w myself but it’s so hard when writing is the thing that brings me joy and sadly i could do that when i was convinced i could see into the future and float peacefully if i hopped off smth tall and i can’t do it now i’m Stabilising and like. accepting that this is for the best even if it feels like getting repeatedly slugged in the meantime is soo hard ough. but thank you thank you sorry for my ramble lmfaoo but really you have made me feel a lot better in this moment 🥺 ❤️ i hope you are enjoying louis’ unhinged catalogue as much as i am loll

also incredibly sweet and mildly amusing ngl to think of someone being parasocial with me fkhfdkhd but i am literally just a bug and and guy and weird and dorky please don’t feel too anxious to come off anon if u ever feel like it!! xxx

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.