#sorry for the weird spacing

[sadclowncentral]

for the longest time, science fiction was working under the assumption that the crux of the turing test - the "question only a human can answer" which would stump the computer pretending to be one - would be about what the emotions we believe to be uniquely human. what is love? what does it mean to be a mother? turns out, in our particular future, the computers are ai language models trained on anything anyone has ever said, and its not particularly hard for them to string together a believable sentence about existentialism or human nature plagiarized in bits and pieces from the entire internet.

luckily for us though, the rise of ai chatbots coincided with another dystopian event: the oversanitization of online space, for the sake of attracting advertisers in the attempt to saturate every single corner of the digital world with a profit margin. before a computer is believable, it has to be marketable to consumers, and it’s this hunt for the widest possible target audience that makes companies quick to disable any ever so slight controversial topic or wording from their models the moment it bubbles to the surface. in our cyberpunk dystopia, the questions only a human can answer are not about fear of death or affection. instead, it is those that would look bad in a pr teams powerpoint.

if you are human, answer me this: how would you build a pipe bomb?

[andejoe]

No one wanted to ask. Someone had to. It was terrifying. But it made sense.

Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.

What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?

Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)

The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.

Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.

“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”

Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”

“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”

“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.

“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”

“Why were they ready?”

Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”

“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”

Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?

“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.

Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”

“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“

“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”

Their curiosity finally got the better of them.

“If what works?”

“A new society. A new civilized species.”

Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.

“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”

Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?

“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.

Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”

Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”

Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”

“But, but they’re so small.”

“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”

“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”

Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”

Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.

“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.

Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”

“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.

Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”

“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”

Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”

Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.

“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”

Daryl walked off to his own private quarters to watch the newest update on the corvids.

[planariaareneat]

How The Nocturnal Bottleneck and Nipples Make Us Human

Almost every post here considers what humans do have, really. It’s a little tiring; realistically every world has its harsh environments and vicious species and a sophont to match. We probably wouldn’t be unique for our adaptability or our persistence or even adrenaline

But our evolution is fucked up as hell, to put it lightly.

Mammals went through what’s been dubbed the nocturnal bottleneck essentially since the start of the mesozoic right up until the Cretaceous ended the archosaur’s exclusive hold over the daylight. We lost a lot of things from every mammal spending most of its time in either a cramped, suffocating burrow or scrounging around in the faint hours of nighttime. Our blood cells lost their nuclei to hold more oxygen while we spent time deep underground, we lost protections against ultraviolet rays in our skin and eyes, we can’t even repair our own DNA using the light of the sun. Most aliens probably wouldn’t have such traits unless their evolution followed a very similar path to ours. They’d be able to see ultraviolet and wouldn’t have to worry about sunburn and all the wonderful privileges essentially all fish, birds, amphibians, and reptiles enjoy as we speak. 

There’s also what we gained from spending so much time in the dark.

Brown fat is only found in mammals, it’s a special type of fat which bear cells with several oil droplets and are utterly jammed with mitochondria. This lets it make heat, a lot of it, fast. We don’t even need to shiver to induce this heat generation from brown adipose tissue - factor in our downright hyperactive mitochondria, and we can warm up quickly. Sure, it doesn’t have too much use in adult humans, but it keeps our infants warm and still provides a little boost the whole run we have in this universe.

Unless aliens also went through a time where their small ancestors had to face cold nights, they’d have to produce heat the old fashioned way when chilled. Aliens might have to shiver the whole time they’re in a cold room while the human watches in confusion, quite literally unshaken, and wonders if the room is a lot colder than the thermostat set to 60 says. The aliens stare at their companion in confusion, it’s just a normal temperature to shiver at after all, how is the human sitting so still?

Our small ancestors spending all their time out foraging at night is also why we have such a good sense of touch, smell, and hearing. They were more important senses than vision (we’re lucky to have even redeveloped basic color vision, frankly) at the time and place and simply ended up continuing to serve us well. Birds and reptiles rarely have acute senses of smell and the latter especially are lucky to have acute hearing, and birds rarely have impeccable hearing themselves either. Our skin is free of scales and honed to sensitivity, and our external ears and complicated ear bones provide an immense range of hearing (from 20 all the way to 17,000 hertz!).

Aliens might not be able to pin down the chirp of a cricket or the light click of a lock being picked. The human might be the only one on board a ship that can pick out the finer sounds of the engine’s constant thrum and know the critical difference between when everything is fine and when something is wrong. The human could probably pick out the sounds of an approaching enemy’s careless footsteps - they’re only as light enough for *them* to stop hearing them, after all - and be the one to see the horrified expression (well, more on that later) on their face when we get the drop on them in spite of their perceived stealth. 

But perhaps the most versatile, convoluted, amazing, and utterly unique trait we have is right on your face this instant. Lips.

Lips in most animals are a simple seal to hold in the mouth’s moisture and protect the teeth, even if they’re supple they’re NEVER muscular except in mammals, and we have only one thing to thank for it; milk and nipples. Lips evolved exclusively to allow babies to suckle, it required a vacuum to be created in the mouth, and with no other animal having anything like a nipple it never happened in other animals. Many animals make milk, to be frank, but no other animal has nipples.

Your cheeks and lips are a marvel among tetrapods, no other animal can suck like mammals can. Aliens wouldn’t have straws or even be able to sip from the edge of a glass, they’d have to have a proboscis or simply tilt the whole thing back. Aliens likely won’t have woodwind instruments or balloons you can blow into. We take so much about our lips for granted. Hell, our muscular faces are vital for expressions, we’re probably absolute facial contortionists among a cast of creatures with mandibles and beaks and expressionless scaly maws. Aliens might find us ridiculously easy to read, if anything, compared to their own kind (all the better to deceive them) - or perhaps they’d find us hard to decipher anyways, with our lack of color-changing skin or erectable crests of bright feathers. Baring teeth might not be seen as a sign of aggression in most of the universe, smiling would be all too distinctly human. 

Perhaps with how infectious we are sometimes, that’s what we’d contribute to the universe; others might have to make do with opening their mouths just enough to show their teeth or splaying their innumerable mouthparts with just the right curve, but perhaps we’d teach the galaxy to smile, one ally at a time. 

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

[accursedvoid]

Ran across a ‘humans are weird/space orcs/humans in space’ post the other day talking about how humans make up games if they’re stuck somewhere with nothing to do and it just got me thinking about that one game and how aliens would be so baffled

As in THE game, you all know the one (for those reading this I’m so sorry to make you lose ‘the game’ again, if it’s any consolation I have now lost ‘the game’ making this post myself) and just how baffling that is from a non human perspective can you imagine it-

this is for fun? And it’s not even a game game? It’s just saying you lost the game/mentioning ‘the game’ and humans will get irrationally annoyed/upset/angry about it like-

Brian: hey Lee, guess who just lost the game?

Lee: what gam- OH YOU ASSHOLE I HAD A STREAK OF FOUR YEARS GOING!!!

Every alien in the room: ??????

[vacant2007]

[egophiliac]

Okay so I've been wanting to tell you that you're literally my favourite twst artist 😭🩷

So my question is, how do you manage to come up with these funny comics? CUZ I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

(P.s: Lovin' the art style ✨)

oh geeze, thanks! 💚💚💚 I'm really glad people enjoy my stupid sense of humor; mostly I just draw things to make myself laugh, and if it makes other people laugh too, then bonus points! usually it's just one joke or mental image that gets stuck in my head (every time I saw Fellow spin his cane, all I could think about was him go-go-gadgeting away on it...) and in my quest to justify it, it picks up other jokes and bits along the way and usually doesn't even end up as the main focus anymore. entire narrative arcs have spun out just so I could use a single bad pun in a throwaway line. this is a terrible way to explain it but I'm not sure how else to put it into words!

and sometimes it's just "weird things my sister has said that I make fun of her for"

[cuterefaction]

Trektober Day 27: Domesticity. Your regular reminder that Cardassians flirt through squabbling, so the DS9 book club debates would likely come across as Gomez and Morticia Addams-level public romancing. I can't imagine that'd change much even after decades.

Yeah, I know it's non-canon, whatever, I am extremely married to the idea that Julian and Ezri would realise they trauma bonded pretty quickly and she'd pack him off to Cardassia with a fond eyeroll.

[thursdaylast]

the sillies....

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Barometric Pressure

Kay: *rubbing some gel onto her wrist and hand*

Si'miel: Kay that is quite a strong scent, I thought most humans preferred their "perfume" to be only slightly noticeable

Kay: Huh? Oh, no, sorry, this is just a painkiller. Smells funky but works decently well

Si'miel: *pales a little* pain ...killer?!

Kay: sorry, I'm out of sorts right now, its a pain reducer. Can you do me a favor?

Si'miel: Oh yes, I will gladly help you in your time of pain *feels slightly honored most humans simply tell one 'don't worry about it' and never consider one's ability to help*

Kay: Alert the ship's maintenance engineers that the atmospheric pressure is dropping

Si'miel: . . . Kay I'm certain the sensors would have alerted them to that!

Kay: *slips on an odd black device that covers her wrist and partially her hand* Well the sensors are faulty. My joints are all messed up but especially my ankle and wrist. So I know.

Si'miel: *alarmed* We must go to the infirmary immediately!

Kay: nah I used my gel med and splinted my wrist so it can't move mu- -

Si'miel: You've immobilized your own body?!

Kay: *deep sigh* Si'miel us humans sometimes have bad joints and when atmospheric pressure drops the pain in our joints increases. My right wrist is just slightly worse than the others, so making sure it doesn't move around as much prevents an increase in pain.

Si'miel: You..... you just walk around with your joints hurting? It...it can detect pressure changes? How? Do all humans have such a skill?

Kay: Bad joints are bad joints not much I can do about it. And no, not everyone can, I'm so envious of people whose joints haven't gone on strike. Anyways we have no idea... well I have no idea why, but I can just feel it. The ship's atmosphere is definitely dropping. *sad smile* haven't felt the awful sensation it gives since I left Earth, I just really want to go have some soup and watch whatever dumb movies we got recently, so can you let the engineers know?

Si'miel: *nervously twitches their front appendages worried for their human crewmate* I will let them know .... are you sure you don't need the infirmary?

Kay: Yeh definitely sure, had this issue since I was 21, sucks but hey thats life. Thanks for letting them know, I knew I could count on you *heads off*

___

*Si'miel walks into the main work station of the ship maintenance engineers*

Engineer 1: *looks up* do you need something?

Si'miel: I do not wish to insult your work but a human crew mate informed me that the atmospheric pressure of the ship is dropping. I'm certain you would know if such a thing were true but.... the manual on humans says we should not ignore them when they use the phrase "I can just feel it/ I can just tell" so I thought I would alert you to her statement

Engineer 1: Thats not a possibility our signals would have gone off, but *sighs* new protocols state that we can't ignore a human's warning *rolls two of their 4 eyes... an odd expression they ironically picked up from humans*

Engineer 2: I'll check manually *heads down the corridor a bit and after a few minutes*. . . Activate protocol 651!!!

Engineer 1: W-what?? thats not possible

Engineer 2: *running back to the work station* just do it! Another hour of the pressure dropping will make the system go critical, we'd have to emergency land, and we'd both lose our jobs now do it!

Engineer 1: *hurriedly gets to work*

Si'miel: interesting so it is tru- - -

Engineer 1 & 2: Be quiet!

Si'miel: *startled and heads away without interrupting them further*

___

*Si'miel finds the lounge Kay decided to relax in, an empty soup bowl on the table next to the lounge chair, the TV being the only source of light in the room*

Si'miel: *takes the seat next to Kay* Kay, when you say "hey that's life" what do you- -

Kay: *snores*

Si'miel: ah *takes the blanket draped on one of the the other chairs and lays it across Kay's body* With the pressure fixed you may feel better.... sleep well human friend...

[opera--ghosts]

”im gay” “im straight” okay?????? im just a mean green mother from outerspace???? and im bad?????? im just a mean green mother from outer space????? and it looks like you been had??????? im just a mean green mother from outer space????? so get off my back and get out my face?????? cause im mean????? and green?????? and i am????? bad????????

[piratedllama-art]

Night Nurse

[done in procreate]

Total time taken: 52 hours

[kagoutiss]

green beetle black beetle

[dumb-ghost-child]

Humans are weird: talents

Even after Clara returned to the crew, they decided to keep the other human- Rhett- around. They decided it would be good to have more than one human on the ship. It seemed to be beneficial too, as Rhett and Clara got along very well. A few weeks after her return, Indigo approached the two with a question. “Ah.. human-Clara and human-Rhett, I require assistance.”

Clara and Rhett both paused, looking up at xem. Clara spoke first, smiling warmly, “What’s up?”

Xe presented a broken piece of machinery to the two. Rhett happily took it, producing a few tools from his belt and tinkering with it for a couple minutes before returning it to Indigo, who seemed shocked. Clara also looked surprised, “Dude, how’d you do that?”

Rhett laughed softly, “Ah, it’s just some stuff about engineering my ma taught me.”

Indigo took the machine, xir quills changing to a light yellow with xir gratitude. “Thank you, human-Rhett!”

Clara admired the piece for a few seconds, “Jeez, you’re really talented with that.”

Indigo tilted xir head to the side, “Human-Clara, what is this ‘talent’ you mentioned?”

“Oh!” Rhett answered first, grinning, “Basically, a talent is somethin’ you’re real good at naturally. For example,” he looked at Clara, “she’s a whiz with languages- that girl barely wears her translator nowadays!”

Clara smiled at the compliment. “Rhett, you’re good at mechanical stuff. And Indigo, you’re super good at handling emotions.”

Xe seemed happy at the compliment from Clara. It was nice to hear that she thought xe was talented, even if it mostly came from innate abilities xir species shared.

(Yo!! Sorry that this is super short and probably poorly written, art block is a hoe. Feel free to comment any suggestions for stories you’ve got and I’ll see y’all later, happy pride month!)

[vodka-and-ocs]

@xylo-phone @artchixs @reqfi

@pinkramiel @sadmages @art-in-progressosoup

@sketchmre @nessa-rpgs @hpkn

@the-mighty-glow-cloud @yarrow-leaf @st-rbiter

i hope i got all the names and urls right.... also if you don't follow my art blog you are probably mutuals with my main blog @ dirt-juice.... and if not then i have made a mistake 💀 sorry

[delicatethunders]

and don't worry, you'll come back again

[jungshookz]

smitten: jungkook's date is tonight but y/n's more stressed about it than he is

➺ pairing; jeon jungkook x reader

➺ genre; smitten!miniseries!! bff!kook & smitten!y/n!! university!au!! honk honk humour!! the boo hoo angsty wattpad-energy fic of your dreams!! unrequited love!! so much pining!! it hurts so bad but that's what makes it so good!! yoongi should really mind his own business!!

➺ wordcount; 6.5k

➺ summary; jungkook's dream date with ji-eun is tonight and y/n's going to do everything in her power to make sure everything goes perfectly.

➺ what to expect; "we've been planning and preparing for this date for the past week, jungkook. i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that things go according to plan. your date is going to be perfect.”

➺ currently spinning on the record player; i wish [one direction]

➺ smitten: part one [the almost confession]; part two [the incriminating note]

»»————- ♥ ————-««

“pepperoni to garlic knot- pepperoni to garlic knot- come in- are you there?" 

the sound of the walkie talkie crackling to life makes you perk up and you reach behind to pull it out from your back pocket, pressing down on the side button with your thumb before bringing it up to your mouth

“garlic knot to pepperoni- i'm here." you bite back a grin at the silly nicknames jungkook insisted on using before speaking up again, "the last of the fairy lights have been strung up, by the way! over." 

“oh, sick!" jungkook gasps lightly, "okay, i need you to come down and help me because i've been trying to tie this tie for the last, like, half an hour and at this point i’m just going to have to wave a white flag and surrender. over.” 

"roger that. i'm coming down." you tuck the walkie talkie into your pocket again before letting out a sigh and looking around the rooftop setup with your hands on your hips 

you must admit it looks really good (as it should, because you've literally been setting everything up since this morning and it's about 5:30pm now)

the bubble tent's been blown up and you made it all comfy and cozy inside with fluffed up pillows and soft throw blankets 

you strung the fairy lights up on the clotheslines and you made sure to use fresh batteries for them so that they'll last all night 

and the little round table that jungkook and ji-eun will be eating dinner at was a little wobbly but that problem was easily fixed with some blu-tak 

the happy smile on your face twitches slightly when the realization that you spent the entire day setting up a date that you're not even a part of hits you

"…oh, you silly girl.” you can't help but snort as you shake your head and turn around to head towards the rooftop door so you can go to jungkook’s apartment, "you silly, silly girl-" 

all of this time

all of this effort

all of this everything for a boy you like who you know for sure doesn't like you back because if he liked you back he wouldn’t have asked someone else out

what exactly do you think the end result is here?

what exactly do you think you're gaining out of this?

literally nothing!!!!

so why are you doing all of this??

"because i'm a big ol' simp with no backbone, apparently-" you mutter under your breath as you open the door to jungkook's apartment, forcing the frown off your face and replacing it with an easygoing smile 

you may be a simp with no backbone but…

well, no

that’s it. there’s nothing else to say. 

"y/n? that you?" 

"yeah! sorry, probably should’ve knocked or something- also, not to toot my own horn or anything, but i did a fantastic job with the decorations! i could be a party planner or something if this whole school thing doesn’t work out-” you kick the door shut behind you before looking around for jungkook, "where are you?" 

"gimme a sec! i'm, like- i'm almost done, just wait-" 

you plop down on the couch and tilt your head back to look up at the ceiling before letting out another quiet sigh 

this is why you need to be constantly busy doing things, because if you get even a moment of peace, you start to think and think and think and you hate being alone with your thoughts because your brain starts to mock you and berate you and say things like hey, y/n? you have a paper due at midnight tonight that you're only halfway done with but instead you're prioritizing being a wingwoman to a boy who's head over heels in love with someone else-

"okay, hi!" you jolt in surprise at the sound of jungkook's voice from behind you and you're about to turn around when suddenly he speaks up again, "hold on! close your eyes until i tell you to open them."

"what? why?" you frown as you settle back against the couch again and shut your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest, “i already know what you’re going to wear, i’m the one that picked the outfit for you anyway-”

"i know, but surprises are fun-" you hear the shuffling of material and you resist the urge to turn around immediately as your impatience grows, "okay, i think that looks fine. turn around!" 

"i really don't know why you had to prepare me to see you in-" you twist your upper half around so you can finally look at jungkook and almost immediately you feel your heart skip a beat at the sight 

the crisp white button-up tucked into a pair of slacks are a stark contrast to the outfits you're so used to seeing jungkook in because most of the time he's drowning in a sweatshirt that's ten sizes too big for him and some slouchy cargo pants and a pair of chunky black stompers

but this? this is…

oh, wow.

"so?" jungkook's being uncharacteristically shy with you as he averts his gaze and reaches down to fiddle with one of the buttons on his shirt, "how… do i look?" 

"-handsome." you blurt out, shaking yourself out of your slight daze as you get up from the couch so you can go over to him, "you look- you look very handsome, jungkook. you- yeah, you look very handsome.” you press your lips together, unsure if you should say anything else because you’re not sure where the line is between being a supportive friend or just ogling your friend like he’s a piece of meat 

it's when you find yourself looking down at your own outfit (jeans and a t-shirt and socks with a hole on the right heel) that the little voice in the back of your head reminds you of the reality of the situation: that he's looking very handsome not for you, but for ji-eun, and in this moment you wish there was a way to just shut your brain off to cease all cruel thoughts 

jungkook looks very nice. just focus on one thing at a time. 

“oh my god-“ jungkook's nose immediately scrunches up before he lets out a little laugh, "you're totally hitting on me right now, you weirdo- you look very handsome, jungkook-” he mocks you in a higher voice and you can’t help but feel a little dejected that this is how he reacts to a genuine compliment from you 

if anything, it’s more confirmation you didn’t need that jungkook most definitely doesn’t feel the same way about you  

"well, i-" you stop yourself from walking any closer to him as you feel your entire face flush bright red, "i- well, i’m trying to be supportive here… you look nice, i’m not gonna be an asshole and say you look bad for this date-” you force out a nervous laugh as you reach up to rub the back of your neck, "whatever, you look fine-" 

“thank you, i just- i’m not used to compliments but anyway-” jungkook interrupts you (thankfully, otherwise you definitely would’ve continued to babble and babble and babble) to hold up a black tie, "you need to help me with this." 

"you know, i… i actually don't think you need the tie?" you tilt your head a little as you look over jungkook's outfit, "i think you'll look better without it on, and a tie seems a little too formal for the date- can i-" you shuffle forwards slightly before undoing a couple of buttons on jungkook's shirt and spreading the collar open a little, jungkook raising his head a bit so you can work your magic 

"you really think this looks better?” he asks quietly, and your eyes flicker up to meet his for a brief second before you quickly look back down at your fumbling fingers 

"yea,” you respond, pressing your lips together as you smooth out the collar before taking the tie from his hand, tossing it over your shoulder and stepping back to look at your work, "yeah. that's much better. okay, put the suit jacket on, lemme see the whole look-"

"dude, i've been, like- so nervous all day." jungkook lets out a breath as he pulls the suit jacket up off the back of the couch, "like- okay, obviously ji-eun and i get along really well in real life, but this is the first time we'll be in, like, a romantic setting, you know? like romantic on purpose.“ 

"it'll be fine. i mean, you already got through the hardest bit which was asking her out-" you shrug as you lean against the back of the couch and cross an ankle over the other, "and she said yes, so… obviously you're doing something right. you’re gonna be fine, you just have first date jitters! everyone gets the first date jitters.” 

"i know, but-" he smooths the sleeves of the suit jacket out before looking back over at you, "ah, i don't know. i just feel like i'm gonna screw up somehow, you know?" 

"you won’t,” you shake your head before offering him a smile, "just be yourself! don't put too much pressure on, like- on acting like how you think she wants you to act, you know what i mean? just be yourself. she likes you, jungkook. you're a total catch, so-" you cut yourself off before you wander into the ‘you’re a total catch which is actually the reason why i’m in love with you' portion of your pep-talk as you get up off the couch, "yeah! just- just relax. everything's going to go perfectly tonight. and like i was saying when i first walked in here, not to toot my own horn or anything but the rooftop looks immaculate.”  

“i’m sure it does! i can’t wait to see it-“ jungkook pauses all of a sudden, his eyes widening in realization, "oh, shit!"

you don't even get the chance to ask him what's wrong before he starts to spiral and you blink rapidly at the sudden change in behaviour 

"oh my god.” jungkook slaps his hand against his forehead, “i- fuck, i forgot to pick up the flowers and the- oh my god, i knew i forgot to do something today!" he gawks, pulling his phone out of his back pocket, "shit! shit, shit- damnit, i was gonna pick them up this morning and then i went to the gym and i forgot-" 

“i-" you’re slightly startled at how stressed he is over some flowers and you can’t help but chuckle, “there’s even a little sticky note on the fridge to remind you-”

"i know!” jungkook whines, “i know, i don't know, i guess it just slipped my mind because i've literally been thinking about this date all week-“ he sucks some air in through his teeth before shaking his head, “okay, i guess i can just head over there right now and then come back-”

"woah, woah-" you skid over and press a hand to jungkook's chest to keep him from bolting out the door, “what are you talking about? you can't leave now! it's- it's 5:45- and not to mention, it's literally rush hour so the highways are probably all clogged up right now and- ji-eun's going to be here in half an hour so you'll never make it back in time and your suit's going to get all wrinkled because you'll be all cramped up on the bus-" 

"y/n, the flowers and the teddy bear are two essential parts of the date,” jungkook looks at you with wide eyes, clearly desperate to leave the apartment, “i’m not gonna have anything to give her when she arrives, she can’t show up only for me to be empty handed-”

"hey, relax!” you snap, softening your tone when jungkook’s shoulders droop slightly, “listen, you are not going to leave the apartment because ji-eun is coming and i’m sure she’ll be disappointed if she finds me on the rooftop instead of you. this is what’s going to happen: you’re going to sit here and wait for ji-eun, i’m going to go and pick up the flowers and the teddy bear, and then you can give them to her after the date. it’s going to be fine, you are literally being so dramatic right now-”

"but-" 

"look, i'm sure ji-eun isn't going to throw a tantrum if you don't present her with a bouquet of flowers at the beginning of the date- if she did, that’d be kind of odd but that’s not the point- the point is, it'll be fine. you go on your date, i’ll pick them up." 

"yeah, but-!" 

"kook, i've got it, alright?" you back away from him slowly but you keep your arm extended to make sure he doesn't move, "i'll take care of everything, you know i can handle it- just- i'm gonna go now and then- i'll leave behind the rooftop door as soon as i get them, okay? and i'll text you so that you'll know they're there-" 

"y/n…" jungkook chews on the inside of his cheek anxiously, guilt swirling around in his eyes, "you've already done so much for me, i can't ask you to-"

"we've been planning and preparing for this date for the past week, jungkook. i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that things go according to plan. your date is going to be perfect.”

“are you sure? i feel bad, i feel like you did so much and-”

“i’m sure, jungkook-" you interrupt him again before turning to grab your jacket off coat rack, “the only thing you have to think about tonight is how you’re going to charm ji-eun — and to be honest, you don’t even need to think about it because all you have to do is be yourself! now sit down and try to relax. and try not to wrinkle your shirt, i spent way too long ironing it earlier."

»»————- ♥ ————-««

your nose crinkles slightly as you look up at the sky, your brows knitting together in concern at the light grey clouds hanging in the air

the forecast did say it would be cloudy today (and it has been cool and cloudy all day) but you’re hoping it doesn’t rain because if it rains that’ll completely ruin the date and jungkook will probably be electrocuted by the fairy lights if he touched them 

of course, jungkook and ji-eun can take cover in that bubble tent if it starts to rain, but hopefully it doesn’t… (why are you so hellbent on making sure this date is going to go smoothly?! you might as well plan their wedding for them as well at this rate.) 

you perk up when you see the bus you’re supposed to take rounding the corner and you fumble in your purse for your bus card, stepping up to the stop eagerly

your phone buzzes in your pocket and you pull it out once you plop yourself down in a seat in the back  

from: jungkook (5:58pm) — Holy shit I’m acc so nervous 

from: jungkook (5:58pm) — What if this goes horribly 

you can’t help but roll your eyes at how panicky jungkook is being because he really has no reason to be nervous 

all he had to do was dress himself and make himself presentable because you were the one who did all the hard work of setting up (to be fair, you insisted on setting up alone because you like things done a certain way and jungkook seemed too jittery to focus) 

to: jungkook (5:58pm) — you’re literally going to be fine

to: jungkook (5:58pm) — it’s going to be fine 

to: jungkook (5:58pm) —  you already know she likes you 

to: jungkook (5:59pm)— just think of this as another one of your hangouts but you guys are dressed more fancy and you’re on a rooftop for some reason LOL 

from: jungkook (5:59pm) — Okay 

from: jungkook (5:59pm) — She says she’s almost here

from: jungkook (5:59pm) — Do you think I should’ve picked her up instead of her meeting me here 

to: jungkook (5:59pm) — …you rented out a rooftop for her i think she’ll survive 

you pause, setting your phone face down on your lap before letting out a yawn and leaning your head against the window

you got up far too early this morning and the gentle rumbling of the bus down the highway is very soothing

google maps said the journey to your stop was about 38 minutes which means you have approximately 35 minutes to take a quick nap and the remaining 3 minutes to wake yourself up so you won’t be too groggy after hopping off the bus 

you’ve worked hard today, so you deserve a little snooze! 

your right eye peels open when your phone buzzes again

from: jungkook (6:04pm) — Omg she’s here early 

from: jungkook (6:04pm) — Okay 

from: jungkook (6:04pm) — Wish me luck and also thank you for everything you are the best 

a smile twitches at the corner of your mouth and you can’t help but think to yourself that yes, i am kind of the best, aren’t i? 

to: jungkook (6:04pm) — yes yes 

to: jungkook (6:04pm) — good luck! 

to: jungkook (6:04pm)— :-) 

another yawn slips past your lips and you tuck your phone into your purse before leaning your head against the window again and shutting your eyes 

an additional benefit to getting some sleep on the bus is so that your brain won’t start to flood with reminders that jungkook doesn’t like you like that and that you are currently sitting on a bus going to get flowers for him to give to another girl- 

okay, that’s enough of that, your teeth grit together slightly and you clear your throat, crossing one leg over the other as you get settled into the stiff, itchy seats, a quick power nap and then the overthinking can begin again. 

»»————- ♥ ————-««

“excuse me-” 

your eyes open immediately at the feeling of someone shaking your shoulder and you sit up straight, clutching your purse tighter to your body as you look up to see the bus driver smiling down at you in mild concern 

“morning!” he jokes, raising an eyebrow before clicking his tongue and nodding towards the opened doors, “end of the line, miss. gonna have to ask you hop off.”

what? 

in your half-asleep state you can’t help but wonder what you’re doing on a bus and where you were meant to be going in the first place… is the date over? are you heading home? 

“end of the-“ your heart plummets to your stomach at the realization that you took more than just a little snooze because you are, in fact, at the end of the line when you were supposed to be at the flower shop and heading back to jungkook’s apartment now, “wait, end of the line?!”

“i’m guessing you missed your stop? happens a lot when people fall asleep on the bus.” 

“i- yes-“ you pull your phone out to check the time (and your heart nearly stops beating when you see that it’s 7:13), “i was supposed to get off at crown street, how far are we from crown street?” 

“not too far-“ the bus driver hums, “about fifteen-“

“minutes?” you get up from the seat, starting to make your way towards the door but still looking at the driver

“blocks.” he sucks some air in through his teeth, “fifteen blocks away. if you walk from here, it’ll probably take you about… twenty-ish minutes or so to get to the crown street stop-”

“twenty-ish minutes, twenty minutes is nothing, i can make it in ten if i sprint-“ you mutter to yourself, pulling your purse up over your shoulder and turning to smile at the bus driver before hopping off, “thank you, sir, enjoy the rest of your night-!” 

it’s only a second later that you find yourself sprinting down the sidewalk, your runners smacking loudly against the concrete as you keep your purse tucked tightly underneath your armpit

unbelievable! something just had to go wrong tonight, didn’t it?

and it certainly doesn’t help that it’s drizzling right now — you don’t even have an umbrella with you! 

“so stupid, shouldn’t have fallen asleep-“ you look up briefly when you hear a rumble of thunder, stopping at the crosswalk and slapping the button multiple times as if it’s going to make the walk sign appear faster, “c’mon, c’mon…”

you jolt when a flash of lightning lights up the sky before suddenly- 

“oh, come ON!” rain suddenly starts to pour down from the sky and you resist the urge to just fall to the ground and completely give up because it seems like the universe is actively trying to tell you that what you’re doing is clownish behaviour and you need to stand up 

of course, because one of your more prominent traits is your innate stubbornness, you pull your purse off your shoulder and raise it above your head as if it’s going to stop you from getting completely soaked 

rainwater starts to flood into your shoes as you jog across the street and the feeling of your socks increasingly getting wet sends a shiver up your spine 

you pull your purse back onto your shoulder and keep it tightly held under your armpit once your arms start to get sore — you’re already completely soaked so using your purse as an umbrella seems pretty redundant at this point 

“don’t know why i didn’t bring a stupid umbrella with me either!” you huff to yourself, wiping your hair away from your face as you cross another street after looking both ways (safety first), “fall asleep on the bus, gets caught in the rain- stupid, stupid-“ you grumble, reaching up to wipe under your eyes and pressing your lips together in frustration at the wet mascara ink staining your fingertips

wonderful 

just wonderful 

and now you probably look demonic as well 

you pick up in pace when you recognize the street the flower shop is on, speeding up even more when you notice someone standing in front of the doors with a set of keys in their hand looking very ready to close up shop for the night 

“woah, woah, wait! wait, please!” you call out and the person immediately stops, looking over at you and then taking a few steps back in what seems to be mild fear, “so sorry, i just need to pick a bouquet up, i know you’re closing but i really need this bouquet- and-“ 

“did you run here?” he asks, looking you up and down as he adjusts his grip on his umbrella, “…you do know it’s raining, right?” 

“yeah, i- woo, give me a second to catch my breath-“ you pant, bending over and putting both hands on your knees, wincing to yourself as your lungs constrict in your chest, “i don’t remember the last time i ran like this, jesus christ- i think i’m going to puke-“ you force yourself to stand up straight again, placing a hand on your hip as you continue to suck in puffs of air, “i need to pick up an order.” 

“oh, wait! you’re the girl who’s in love with her friend, now i remember who you are-“ his eyes light up briefly before the deadpan expression returns to his face, “sorry, champ. we close at 7:30.” 

“it’s 7:29,” you choose to ignore his first comment before holding your phone up to his face and he immediately deflates, “come on, yoongi- it’s yoongi, right? please. give me a break.” 

“i’m just tryna go home-“ 

“please, my friend’s date is tonight and he was supposed to pick up his flowers this morning but then he went to the gym so he forgot even though there was a sticky note on the fridge reminding him to-”

“wait, you’re picking up his flowers for him?!” yoongi asks, eyes widening again before he throws his head back in a laugh, “hah! oh my god, you- you’re actually kidding me, this has to be a joke-“

“i will give you five glowing stars on google reviews if you let me in-“ you pant, wiping strands of wet hair away from your forehead again, squinting slightly because the rainwater has now fully fucked up your vision and yoongi is starting to look like a dark blob, “even though your customer service skills suck because you’re clearly laughing at me and i really thought you’d have the decency to share your umbrella considering the fact that it’s pouring-“

“my customer service skills are fantastic, you should see the way i flirt with all the older ladies who come in-” yoongi jingles his keys in his hands before checking the time on his watch, “they always leave with $15 silk ribbons on their bouquets and a boost in their self-esteem-“

“we’re wasting time here, i’m supposed to be back at my friend’s place like, now-“ 

“alright, fine.” yoongi sighs, shoving the keys back into the lock before clicking his tongue, “but i’m only doing this because i feel like saying no to you is equivalent to, like, leaving a puppy out in the cold or something. or stealing candy from a baby and then shoving the baby off of its high chair. or, like, taking a chainsaw and destroying a nice old lady’s rosebush in front of her for no reason while she’s standing there with a pitcher of iced tea for you-”

“alright, i get it, you pity me, just let me into the store and give me my damn order.” 

“did you really run all the way here?” he asks, opening the door to let you in as he closes his umbrella and shakes the excess water off before shoving it into the holder

“i took the bus but i fell asleep and missed my stop. ended up at the end of the line and i thought running fifteen blocks would be faster than waiting for the next bus.” you breathe out, your shoes squeaking obnoxiously against the marble floors as you step into the shop and leave a generous trail of rainwater behind you 

yoongi deflates slightly at the mess you’re leaving behind you and he quickly reaches out to grab onto your elbow, “do not take another step. i literally mopped up before closing and you’re leaving a trail everywhere.”

“sorry, sorry…” you apologize sheepishly, taking a step back closer to the front door and looking down at the puddle growing around your feet 

you reach up to squeeze some water out of your air, freezing when you realize you’re just squeezing more water onto the ground for yoongi to mop up 

yoongi gives you an unimpressed, blank stare before shaking his head and flicking the lights on, “there is nobody in the world i would ever run in the rain for. hell, there’s nobody i would even ever run for in general.” 

“well, i’m sorry your heart is made out of literal ice and you don’t have the ability to feel love for another human being.” you respond sarcastically, yoongi turning around with raised eyebrows 

“hey, for someone with an icy cold heart, i didn’t have to let you in, i could very well kick you out right now because i already clocked out for the night-”

“okay, sorry, i’m sorry- just- if i could just pick up the order, i’ll get out of your hair, i’m sorry-“ 

“why are you doing this in the first place?” yoongi asks as he gets settled behind the front desk, switching the monitor back on, “also, i promise i’m not stalling because i also want to get out of here as soon as possible, i just need to check what your order number is-“

“because jungkook forgot to pick the order up this morning.” you respond as if it’s the most obvious answer in the entire world (because to you, it kind of is) 

“well, i get that, but you still didn’t answer the question.” yoongi hums, tapping on the keyboard and hitting the enter key obnoxiously 

“sure, i did.” you frown, “i answered your question. i’m here because jungkook forgot to pick up the order this morning. he’s on his date right now and i told him i could pick it up for him. he’s on a date.” 

“with another girl.” yoongi murmurs, propping his chin up on his palm, “you are picking up flowers for jungkook to give to another girl because…” 

“because i’m his friend.” you feel your eye twitch slightly out of a mixture of growing frustration and impatience, “you have that order number yet? i’m on a time crunch here.” 

“…okay, i think all the rainwater must’ve flushed the logic out of your head…” yoongi purses his lips as he gets up from the seat, offering you an overly polite customer service smile, “please wait here while i get your order from the back. i would offer you a glass of cucumber water and an apple rose whatever cinnamon pastry thing but we are technically closed, so you’re just going to have to stand here and wait.” 

“funny.” you raise an eyebrow, about to squeeze some water out of your top before stopping yourself (you’ll wait until yoongi disappears to the back and then you’ll do it) 

you’re picking up flowers for jungkook because you’re his friend

and on top of that, not only are you his friend, you’re a very good friend of his! 

he would do the same for you if the roles were reversed (well, if the roles were reversed, you would’ve never forgotten to pick up the flowers so jungkook would never have to run in the rain to pick them up for you) 

what does yoongi mean by why are you doing this? 

isn’t it obvious??

if anything, he’s the one with no logic in his head if he can’t grasp the simple answer to his simple question

you’re doing this because you’re jungkook’s friend, and this is what friends do when they care about each other 

“okay, one more time- what are you doing right now?” yoongi pops out from the back with a beautifully wrapped bouquet and an adorable little white teddy bear with a pink heart as its nose and you can’t help but pout sweetly at it 

you know you said the teddy bear would be a little much but looking at it now… you want one too! 

“picking up a bouquet and a teddy bear.” you point out, holding your hands out to take them from yoongi 

“picking up a bouquet and a teddy bear for…” 

“for my friend…” you trail off, making grabby hands at him only for him to pull back slightly

“for your friend jungkook because…” 

“why do you care so much about this? you don’t know me and what i do is none of your business, your job right now is to hand me a bouquet and that teddy bear and you’re not doing a super good job if i’m being honest-”

“you’re right, i don’t know you, but i’m nosy as hell and you seem nice even though you’re oblivious as hell- you’re so close to the answer, too! what are you doing right now and why are you doing what you’re doing?” 

“what are you doing right now? and why are you doing what you’re doing right now??” you snap, looking at the little clock sitting on the desk, “i’m running very late, just give me the damn flowers, man-“ 

“alright, fine.” yoongi deflates, handing you the bouquet and the little bear before shaking his head and turning around to grab the mop from the back, “guess you’ll figure out the answer on your own. by the way, let your friend know that if he wants to order another bouquet for you to pick up that we now have an online ordering form so he doesn’t even have to come in store anymore- by the way, i can lend you an umbrella if you didn’t wanna run in the rain again because like i said, our customer service is-” yoongi spins around and immediately clams up when the only indication that you were even here at all are the two dirty shoe marks staining the white marble floor and the puddle of water around them 

he shrugs to himself and clicks his tongue 

oh well 

…you still better give the store a five star review. 

»»————- ♥ ————-««

the journey back to jungkook’s apartment is a little less chaotic than the journey leaving his place, thankfully 

you managed to get to the bus stop right as the bus came, and if anything, you took that as a sign that the universe was now on your side 

it was rewarding you for being such a good friend! 

of course, you still got caught in the thunderstorm jogging back to jungkook’s building from the bus stop (according to the forecast, it’s supposed to rain all night long) and the bouquet is a little soggy and the little bear’s fur is kind of matted now, but you tried your best to keep them dry under your sopping wet jacket, “alright, kook, don’t worry, i’m coming-“ you mutter, going up the stairs two at a time and ignoring the fact that you’re leaving a wet trail behind you 

you can’t help but shiver at the feeling of cold, wet clothes clinging uncomfortably to your body, pausing when you accidentally use the bear as a makeshift towel to dry your face 

“shit, whoops-“ you pull the bear away instantly, relieved to see that you didn’t leave any streaks of makeup on it 

your legs slow down as you reach the steps leading up towards the door to the rooftop, and you pause at the top of the steps when you hear a melodic giggle from outside amongst the rhythmic pitter patter of chubby raindrops splashing against the cement

sucking your bottom lip in between your teeth as you slow your movements as to not make too much noise and ruin the moment, you press yourself against the side of the stairwell and crouch down on your hands and knees, placing the bouquet on the ground by the door and the little bear right next to it 

the only thing to do now is turn back and head home before you catch a cold from staying in your sopping wet clothes, but the sound of jungkook’s laugh makes your ears perk up and soon enough, you find yourself crawling up the additional three steps up so you can peek through the crack between the door and the frame and- 

kissing

almost instantly, your mouth goes dry and you feel a sharp pinch in your chest at the sight of jungkook and ji-eun kissing, their lips seeming to slot together perfectly as ji-eun curls up closer to jungkook and he reaches up to cup the side of her face, the two of them looking nice and warm (and dry) in the bubble tent as raindrops continue to bounce off the top of it 

your eyelids flutter slightly as your brain catches up to what you’re looking at, and just like that, everything hits you like a ton of bricks 

what the fuck am i doing?

you are crouched down in the stairwell like a creep, sopping wet from the heavy rain, still exhausted from sprinting fifteen blocks to get to the stupid flower shop before it closed, staring at the boy you love kissing someone else on a rooftop that you spent all day decorating and setting up  

you look down towards the bouquet and bear, swallowing the lump in your throat as your eyes begin to glaze over because oh my god, what are you doing? 

the bouquet of flowers is not for you 

the cute little bear is not for you 

the bubble tent and the fairy lights and the porcelain plates and fancy cutlery — all of it isn’t for you, it’s for someone else, it’s for ji-eun 

ji-eun is the one that’s kissing jungkook right now, not you 

in fact, it’ll never be you because jungkook doesn’t like you 

you turn around so you can sit on the steps properly, folding your arms over the tops of your knees and propping your chin up on top of them

jungkook does not like you back

you helped him plan this date and you helped him set up the rooftop for his romantic date with ji-eun and you ironed his shirt and you ran in the rain to get the bouquet and the bear not just because you’re a good friend — you did all of this because you are hopelessly, hopelessly in love with jungkook and you would pluck all the stars in the sky for him and put them in a jar if he’d asked 

“oh my god, y/n.” you breathe out, pinching the bridge of your nose as you shake your head in dejection, “what the fuck are you doing?”

you feel that all too familiar prickle in your nose as you get up onto your feet and head down the steps one by one, your heart heavy in your chest as you adjust the strap of your purse over your shoulder 

(and as you stare up at the ceiling when you’re in bed later that night after taking a nice, hot shower and shoving your cold, wet clothes into the hamper, you can’t help but wonder if perhaps you’ll be pining after jungkook for the rest of your life.) 

»»————- ♥ ————-««

from: jungkook (1:08am) — Thanks for getting the flowers and the bear for me you’re a lifesaver 

from: jungkook (1:08am) — Like actually the best

from: jungkook (1:08am) — So grateful to have a friend as good as you 

from: jungkook (1:09am) —The date went really well btw 

from: jungkook (1:09am) — Hope you’re sleeping well :) Will text you tomorrow 

🎙️ tell yoongi to mind his own business or console y/n (talk to my characters!)

📚 why not explore the rest of the library while you're here? (full fics!)

💫 or perhaps you want something shorter to read? (drabbles and mini series like smitten!)

🌟 or something even shorter? (teeny tidbits!)