andejoe

[andejoe]

Look, i love markiplier (his octodad rage still makes me laugh) and i love his choose your own adventure youtube clips. If hes making a movie, i cant wait to watch it.

A little background as to why the Markiplier fandom is panicking about The Edge of Sleep.

So YEARS ago. Mark was in a podcast called The Edge of Sleep, which was adapted into a TV series... Which was never released

Until

Mark made a movie adaptation of a video game, Iron Lung. He's put all his energy into this film, directing, producing, editing, even starring in it. the movie is done, and he's working to get it released in theaters.

We, the public don't know why, but we know that some doors have been locked on the release of Iron Lung, however some big wigs somewhere have promised that if his popularity alone can put Edge of Sleep in the TOP TEN a lot of doors will open for Iron Lung. He wasn't allowed to even say where it would premiere, nor was it advertised AT ALL

So now, Edge of Sleep has shadow dropped on Amazon Prime in the US. Three days BEFORE they even told Mark it would air. In order to get this man's work out in theaters this thing has to get to the top ten by word of mouth alone.

So. Watch Edge of Sleep! It's an apocalyptic horror. There are some mild gore warnings (blood, knife mutilation, brain dissection, self harm). Even if you can play it in the background and let it run just so it gets views thatd be helpful.

Stick it to the Hollywood Bigwigs! Show them YouTubers can have an audience! Open some doors for creative people trying to show their work to a bigger audience!

[andejoe]

All humans were given a placement test to decide where they went in the galaxy. It was a simple test with three results.

Each human walked one by one into a room. In the room was a table. On the table was a cup. In the cup was q-tips.

Humans were sorted based on what happened next. Those who used one quietly went through door number one. Those who coughed when they used one went through door number two. Those who refused to use one went through door number three.

No human ever saw another human who hadn’t gone through the same door they had.

[andejoe]

No one wanted to ask. Someone had to. It was terrifying. But it made sense.

Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.

What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?

Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)

The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.

Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.

“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”

Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”

“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”

“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.

“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”

“Why were they ready?”

Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”

“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”

Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?

“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.

Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”

“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“

“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”

Their curiosity finally got the better of them.

“If what works?”

“A new society. A new civilized species.”

Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.

“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”

Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?

“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.

Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”

Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”

Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”

“But, but they’re so small.”

“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”

“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”

Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”

Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.

“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.

Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”

“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.

Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”

“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”

Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”

Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.

“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”

Daryl walked off to his own private quarters to watch the newest update on the corvids.

[andejoe]

Tolcia was surprised to see her friend. Craig had returned from his extended leave of absence and seemed to still have his brain intact. She had too many questions to be patient.

“Craig, we must speak.”

“Is everything alright or?”

“Did you join Adam on the voyage to meet the Ancients?”

Craig smiled as he exhaled in a soft laugh. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to know.”

Tolcia bit back her initial reaction. “Yes, I wish to know. Now.”

Craig and Tolcia sat in the caf as he began his tale.

“Honestly the longest part of the trip was getting out that far. Took us two of the three months just to get there.”

Tolcia frowned. The math didn’t add up. How did a trip take two months to reach the destination and yet end only a month later?

“Hey, don’t jump ahead of my story,” Craig chided. “Anyway, so we spend two months getting out there and it’s just swirling clouds of color. Black, purple, green, reds. We couldn’t see anything. One of the historians who studied Lovecraftian horror decided to fly towards the black swirls.”

Craig pulled out a small vid pad and opened it. Tolcia closed her eyes first, unsure of what horrors she would see.

“Don’t worry, nothing will melt your brain,” Craig assured her. “But when we fly up there, one of the swirls came close and wrapped around the ship. It was a tentacle of Shub-Niggurath, which isn’t actually her name by the way. We were off on most of the names but even humans can’t replicate their actual names so they let us call them by the names we’d given them.”

Tolcia cracked an eye open slowly. She saw a blurry photo of her friend and several other humans. The ship was encased in shadow, and one human had glowing yellow eyes. The screech surprised even Tolcia.

“Ears!” Craig complained, covering his much too late.

Tolcia pointed at the screen. “This human! They are not okay!”

Craig looked at which person she was pointing to and then smiled. “Yeah, so like I said, we can’t pronounce their language, and understanding it is how you go all brain meltingly cuckoo which fun fact, is how humans knew about them in the first place, but in order to talk to us, they would just select a human onboard to possess temporarily.”

Tolcia covered her mouth this time, but she wasn’t sure her fear would even let her make noise. Humans just let themselves get possessed by the Ancients and Craig spoke about it with the same ease as he selects his morning caffeine.

He kept going, flipping through other photos. The shadows and blurs changed color and opaqueness, as did the human who’s eyes glowed various colors. Some photos were clearer than others, and some were distorted in unnatural ways. Craig mentioned names Tolcia would never look up and was afraid to remember, naming Ancients they interfered with and somehow survived.

“Anyway, after a few days most of the people left on the expedition were feeling a little murdery so Yog-Sothoth swallowed the ship and we all woke up a few days later being towed to quarantine off of the Dalsrr Medical Outpost. After some time in the sensory deprivation chambers, most of us were cleared to go back to our assignments. A couple of them had to stay back for specific treatments or studies, being possessed didn’t leave us unscathed ya know. But hey, Adam seemed more than happy with his new ability to see ghosts so I call it a win win.”

Tolcia stared in frozen horror at her friend. Craig recognized the look and paused to look down at himself.

“Oops, sorry, one second.” Craig ran his hands over his arms until the wisps of black faded away.

Tolcia inched away. “What was that?”

Craig shrugged. “So sometimes I get these like shadow clouds that will show you your worst nightmare. We’re not sure if it’s permanent or not and I have no idea what triggers them but they go away if I disconnect them from my skin.”

Tolcia stood up, turned, and walked away. Craig didn’t move. He knew she would probably take a few days off, but she’d come back. The whispered voices had assured him of this.

Tolcia finished her rough sketch of the ancient beings for her new human crew mate. “They are so ancient and powerful, it’s rumored that they are what the galaxies revolve around.”

Craig studied the picture in silence. He stroked his chin as he contemplated being honest.

Tolcia was excited to see that she was able to teach him something new. The universe was huge and humans were fairly new to it, but it was so rare that anything fazed them.

“What do you think? Terrifying, right?” Tolcia asked.

“Well,” Craig stalled, still undecided on how to answer.

Tolcia registered that something was wrong in her assessment. Craig did not seem surprised, shocked, in awe, or otherwise perturbed. “You know of them already?” She was wrong, she had to be wrong.

“Not exactly.” Craig finally decided to tell the truth. “Lovecraftian horror was never my particular interest, but I recognize Cthulhu when I see it. And that thing right there, that’s Cthulhu.”

Tolcia was perfectly still, stunned at the ease Craig had in front of the depictions.

“Humans named them?” Tolcia was quiet, almost fearful of this knowledge. Humans were bumptious, but even they wouldn’t be so daring as to name the beings so ancient there was no record of their beginnings.

“I’m sure we’ve got the names and some of the descriptions wrong, but yeah, a human named Lovecraft wrote stories about these eldritch gods like what, about 1000 years ago I think. But do you mind if I send this to my buddy Adam? He’s super into this stuff and can talk more about this if you want.”

Tolcia took a deep breath and let out a screech that made Craig wince.

“Apologies. Yes, I would like to contact Adam. I have many questions.” So many questions.

Craig took a photo and sent off the message immediately. “Adam’s gonna flip when he finds out that this is real.”

“I think the fact humans have known about the ancient beings for a millennium is going to cause a lot of flipping. The conjecture alone is terrifying to think about.”

Craig’s eyebrows drew together as he looked up from his communicator. “What conjecture?”

“Humans knew they were a possibility, and still decided to leave their own planet. Most beings didn’t find out about the ancients until after being in space for some time. And their first contact with them always sets them back centuries. How do you feel safe exploring when you know these aloof powers are out there?”

Craig shrugged. “I don’t know. Wanderlust I guess.” Realization struck him. “Wait, does that mean you know where we can find them?”

Tolcia screeched again.

[andejoe]

Jngyi loved teaching humans. Truly. Most of them were problematic in their own ways, but he loved being able to help shape them into beings that wouldn’t destroy the galaxy. One of his favorite lessons was teaching humans that sometimes there was no way to ‘fix’ something. Humans needed that lesson. They tried to fix everything, and sometimes made things much worse.

Jngyi gave his students the task of ‘terraforming a planet for habitation’. The goal was to give students a planet that could not be terraformed so they would admit the planet is undesirable and thus accept defeat. Most of the time, even humans would admit a planet would require too much money or effort to change or that attempting terraformation would damage the planet beyond survivability. Ganix was the planet assigned to the more stubborn or supercilious students.

The planet Ganix is unsuitable for life, any life. Most of the planet’s surface is covered in black water, both colored and contaminated by the ash of overactive underwater volcanoes. The excessive ash in the water choked any wildlife that had the misfortune of trying to live there.

What land exists isn’t even dry, instead covered in large patches of marsh. The three seasons observable from a safe distance fluctuate so quickly and harshly that these marshes freeze over and melt in a matter of days, effectively destroying any flora that tries to survive.

While it’s hard to call anything a ‘flood’ when the planet is mostly water to begin with, the tides still completely cover what little land exists when the lunar cycle reaches perigee for a full day every standard two weeks. The climate is no easier to deal with. Rain carrying enough ash to coat the ground, ice falling like rocks, or the excessive heat that accompanies the ‘dry spells’.

The planet isn’t even able to be terraformed as the unstable tectonic plates would fracture and cause even more geological disasters. Which is exactly why Ganix had been classified as uninhabitable and used only as a way point for those whose nav systems broke down.

Jngyi felt very confident that Millie, Elan, Rene, and Brenden, his four most human students, would come to the same conclusion.

The report Rene handed in for the group was over 20 pages long.

“This is quite the long report for what should be a very short sentence,” Jngyi stated.

“What do you mean a short sentence? Just setting up appropriate farm land takes up three of those pages. Elan wanted to write five but we convinced her to shorten it down.”

Jngyi quickly scanned his eyes down the first page of the report. “In our research, we have discovered terraforming in its current meaning is not required for habitation. What do you mean?”

Rene glanced at Millie, who nodded encouragement.

“Well, we don’t believe you need to alter the planet to adjust its climate or structure in order to live there. We believe that it’s possible to adapt to the circumstances available with a little bit of outside supplies.”

Jngyi slapped the report down on his desk. “The assignment was meant to make you admit defeat, not write nonsense to make you sound clever.”

Brenden stepped forward next to Rene. “We didn’t make up stuff! Everything in the report you haven’t bothered to read yet will work.”

Jngyi stared at the upset boy. “You cannot be thriving members of the galaxy if you cannot admit you are incapable of something. Ganix cannot be terraformed. The last attempt at it is what set off the underwater volcanoes to begin with. It is beyond repair and thus is not sustainable for life.”

“Well we say you’re wrong,” Brenden fired back.

Jngyi tried to remember that these were children, mentally unformed and unable to refrain from stubbornness and stupidity. “It is not just me. You’re saying the galaxy is wrong. You’re saying that you four know more than every species, human included, who’s tried to live there before. Even you must see how-“

Millie cut in. “What if they are?”

Jngyi paused to let the eager child’s words register. “What if what? What if the entire galaxy is wrong? How can you ask that?”

“You always teach us that the galaxy is always changing and it’s important to adapt. Well, what if this is another change just waiting to happen? What if they’re wrong?” Millie reasoned.

Jngyi shook his head. “It’s not the same thing. I’m sorry, but you’ve failed this assignment.”

Brenden started to say something, but Rene spoke up faster.

“Will you please read the report before making a final decision? You might change your mind.”

“Fine. I will read the report. But tomorrow the grade will be submitted.”

The four humans left Jngyi to read in quiet.

Jngyi put off reading the report until after dinner. He regretted that decision when he reached page two and had to start contacting other experts. Jngyi knew some earth history, but floating gardens and sun shades and buoyant cities were beyond his working knowledge. Certainly his students had done their research.

By the time the four humans regrouped in his class, Jngyi had a virtual group of his own. Experts in survival, plant growth, microbiology, construction, watercraft, and climate all watched the students enter the class. Each expert had their own copy of the report, along with their own research on the planet itself.

“Prof J, what’s going on here?” Brenden asked.

“Your plan is insane, arduous, possibly nugatory, but it may be viable all the same. I’ve gathered together some experts to question your tactics. If they agree that this could work, they will add their expanded knowledge to your concepts and we will submit this to the terraformation council for further review. If you do well today, this could well allow all four of you entrance to whichever field of study you desire after basic schooling.”

Jngyi motioned for the children to sit down at their seats. Each desk had their report and a pad to pull up more research during the debate.

“If you need a moment to ready yourself, please take it. We begin in fifteen minutes.”

——————————————

Deidre, the expert human on the terraformation committee, looked up from her itinerary. “Hey Kleri, why is Ganix on the schedule for the next meeting? I thought this planet had been deemed unlivable a long time ago?”

Aide Kleri nodded. “Yes Madam Deidre, you are correct.”

“Has something changed?”

“Apparently some teenage humans received the planet as a homework assignment.”

Deidre laughed, cutting off whatever else Aide Kleri would have said. Kleri waited until Deidre calmed down.

“Madam Deidre, why is that funny?”

“Because Kleri, there is nothing worse than a human teenager with a good idea.”

[andejoe]

Perhaps a guide on how to react to being seduced by a human?

Guide to Being Courted By a Human

First decide whether or not this is something you are wanting to continue to cease.

To cease the courtship, write a clearly stated letter and give it to the human.

If the human persists, ask other humans for help to stop the undesired actions.

To continue the courting, agree to the next activity the human suggests.

Tell the human in question that you wish to pursue a relationship.

Good Luck.

[andejoe]

This needs a lot more reblogs than it has

Anyway if you see this you have to reblog and tag with a delight from ur day – even the littlest thing counts

[andejoe]

What do you think would happen if humans are the only species that believes in luck.

What if aliens never correlated crossing fingers, walking under ladders, seeing melanistic felines, as things that can affect an outcome of a project (or life's) success? What if humans are the only ones who believe in that kind of stuff?

Even non-superstitious humans cross their fingers for good luck, just because that's what you do.

Human right before they're doing something dangerous: Cross your fingers.

Alien: *visibly confused*

Brall headed down the corridor, stepping lightly around the larger debris. The corridor was still under construction after last weeks’ earthquake shook loose a ‘hobby room’ the humans had installed against regulation and without permission. How the humans managed to get weighted iron bars as tall as they were onto the base was impressive in itself, how they managed to get them into the crawl space in between floors was even more so.

“Stop!”

Brall froze, a quick response he learned after being around humans for so long. He saw no danger, no problems, or any reason for his quick change. He turned around to face the human who’d called for him.

“Why can i not continue down the corridor?”

Thane was moving quickly towards Brall. He was trying to protect Brall from, something.

“The ladder.” Thane grabbed it and lifted. He carried it to one side, collapsing it against the wall. “You can’t walk under ladders.”

“It was sufficiently high enough. I would not have bumped it,” Brall assured him.

Thane shook his head. “No, it’s bad luck.”

Brall wasn’t aware of what luck was, or even the concept of it. He was in a hurry though. “Can you walk with me and explain what ‘bad luck’ is?”

Thane nodded. “Course.”

Brall kept going, but diverted half his attention to the human.

“Luck is an invisible force that can change the outcome of anything regardless of what actions have been taken. You can have good luck or bad luck. Good luck is when things work out for you for no reason. Bad luck is when terrible things happen for no reason.”

“But walking under a ladder causes bad luck?”

“Yes, because you can attract good or bad luck based on what you do. Black cats carry bad luck with them, so if you see one, boom, bad luck. On the other hand, horseshoes are good luck. Bad luck is easier to get though, so you have to be extra careful not to attract it. Good luck is a lot harder to manifest.”

They stepped through the doors and headed for the next building.

“But are humans not known for their preparedness and tenacity? Why would a species believe in mindless chance when they are, well, human. It seems counterintuitive that a species who routinely looks death in the eyes and laughs would allow themselves to fall victim to such a hollow belief.”

They stepped into the next building. It was much smaller, only two rooms large. The first room acted as a barrier to protect the sensitive equipment in the second. Another human, Vikram, stood there waiting for Brall.

Thane frowned. “It’s not a hollow belief. There are things that happen that can’t be explained. Despite everything that is prepped or done, sometimes things happen and people don’t make it. It’s bad luck.”

Vikram laughed. “Dude, stop filling his head with nonsense. Luck isn’t real. It’s a small mind ignoring the butterfly effect. Things happen and just because you don’t know what caused them doesn’t mean nothing caused it. The universe doesn’t have an opinion.”

Brall was now very confused. Thane spoke as if luck was a human constant but Vikram refused it outright.

“Oh yeah?” Thane challenged.

Vikram shrugged. “Yeah. Luck is for dummies.”

“Cool.” Thane nodded. “Then I’ll just go ahead and take the narwhal toy with me then.”

Vikram’s face changed so quickly Brall almost expected to see a weapon appear.

“You touch that narwhal and I’ll snap your finger.”

Brall took a step away from Thane first, distancing himself from the potential danger.

“Ha! Now who’s superstitious?”

Vikram frowned. “I’m not superstitious. But if you move that narwhal then Brall and I won’t be able to fix anything.”

“How does the piece of plastic help us?” Brall asked.

Vikram shrugged. “Don’t know, but it does. So don’t touch it.”

“Brall, if you need any more information about luck, I’ll gladly give you some reference material to look up later. Because at least I’m honest about my beliefs.” Thane left, smirking.

Vikram shook his head. “Alright, let’s just get to work.”

———————

“I still don’t understand why the repairs aren’t holding. We worked out all the bugs.”

Vikram had been complaining for the last ten minutes. Nothing they did was working.

“You didn’t touch anything, did you?” Vikram asked.

Brall couldn’t lie. It was an unknown quirk of he species that humans discovered. So he knew he was caught.

Brall pulled the narwhal from his pocket. “You said luck was not real so I wished to see for myself.”

Vikram lunged for the narwhal, frightening Brall. Brall flicked the toy into the air and jumped backwards. Vikram grabbed the toy with a hunter’s focus and immediately rushed it back to its rightful place.

“I told you not to touch the narwhal!”

Vikram began scolding Brall, but Brall was distracted. All the red, orange, and black indicators were shifting to blue and purple behind Vikram’s back. The human was going on about how personifying the equipment and placating it was important, but Brall was only partially listening.

“It’s working.” Brall was in disbelief. Replacing the toy somehow fixed everything.

Vikram turned and smiled. He exhaled all the pent up stress. “Of course it’s working. We gave the toy back. It’s happy now.”

Brall made the mental note to request the reading material from Thane later.

[andejoe]

Hi I'm looking for this one story and I think it was on your blog. Something about how humans are kind of like scouts, and this one alien doesn't trust the human scout, and later gets proven wrong? The planet they were scouting also had something to do with red grass. Sorry this is kinda confusing.

As far as I recall there’s no red grass on in any of my stories but maybe someone else remembers reading this as well?

[andejoe]

So long as credit is given and everyone understands these guides are set in a fictional universe, go for it.

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

[andejoe]

While I am inclined to say human anatomy proves this cannot be human, it is best to consult with a human doctor first as it may be some condition which is not in the manuals I’ve come across. But the more likely option is this is a human lookalike trying to copy human behavior.

I wish you fortunate endeavors regardless.

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

[andejoe]

:0 these are super cool! have you done anything with games like Truth or Dare?

“Sorry Xxl, no can do. That game is off limits,” Derek answered.

“Technically It’s illegal on core worlds,” Joey added.

I was so confused. I myself had been attacked during our board games but a human game that required only speaking was illegal?

“How is Truth or Dare worse than Revolt? Rosa informed me this was an adolescent’s game.”

“Of course Rosa put you up to this.” Derek sighed. “Look, yeah, kids play Truth or Dare, but it’s not kids who got it banned.”

“Xxl, you know human scientists right? The stories about the crazy stuff they invented? The massive problems that occurred before strict regulations were put in place?” Joey asked.

I nodded. Everyone was familiar with humanities creative destruction periods.

“Truth or Dare let’s humans put each other to the test. It starts off easy, who do you like questions or I bet you won’t eat that dares. But the longer the game goes on, the more intrusive the questions get and the more severe the dares become.”

Joey’s face indicated he was done, as if that’s all that needed to be said on the matter.

“But how did a game of questions and suggestions become illegal?” I implored.

Derek and Joey shared a look.

“Alright, come over here and sit,” Derek instructed.

I followed them to the empty corner in the caf. We sat down.

“It was aboard the SS Alloy. Humans on a game night like we do, starting playing truth or dare. One human dared another to hold on to a handle for three seconds in the air lock.”

I felt frozen. My hand stung as it slapped down on the table, loudly. Only after that did I breathe, in shallow quick breaths.

“But, they wouldn’t, humans are, they wouldn’t be so arrogant-“ None of my sentences fully formed out loud.

“They were drinking, and he did. Well, he tried.” Joey sounded annoyed. “Idiot got blasted out the second they opened the air lock. Died almost immediately. The others, they were tried for murder, plead guilty, and spent the rest of their lives planetside.”

“But, but we would never-“

“Xxl,” Derek interrupted me, “You’ve seen us drunk. Can you honestly tell me we wouldn’t reach that point? Especially unchecked? Even you broke a table. It’s not that long of a journey from point a to point b.”

I hesitated. “It seems I have been misinformed of the severity of this game.”

“Don’t worry about it. Rosa just wants to play to stir the pot. She’s probably a truth only person who likes to ask tons of ‘who would you kiss’ questions,” Derek assured me.

“Well, what about Red Rover? Lonnie mentioned having played that as a child as well,” I asked.

Derek and Joey shared a look before turning back to me and speaking together. “No.”

[andejoe]

Hi op can you do a post for a human with adhd and anxiety please

Also have a great day

Eclod stared at Riana. She didn’t understand how the human was able to multitask so quickly. Ignoring the fact that one task was not job related didn’t make it less impressive.

Eclod slid her chair closer, doing her best to imitate the ‘clearing throat noise’ that indicated a desire to talk. It worked, because Riana turned.

“What’s up Ikki?” Riana asked.

Eclod gestures towards the small device. “How can you work on two jobs at once? It is quite impressive for one so-“ Eclod paused, searching for a word that wouldn’t offend the human.

“Jumpy? Impulsive? Squirrelly?” Riana offered.

Eclod nodded, though not fully comprehending the term squirrelly.

Riana nodded, her hand ceasing. She held out the device. “It’s called stimming. It’s an absent minded toy I fidget with while I work. It helps me focus on work.”

Eclod picked up the ‘toy’. It wiggled a bit in her hand. She tried to ‘stim’ but failed to see the point. “This allows you to focus?”

Riana nodded. “A repetitive body movement helps calm me, and the constant stimulation helps me pay attention.”

Eclod handed the ‘toy’ back. “So it is not a job?”

“It’s more like a job enhancer. Without it, I’d struggle with paying attention more and might make more mistakes.”

Eclod slid back to her side. “That is a new thought. Doing two jobs to complete one.”

“Ask Medical about ADHD. They can explain it for you better. I don’t know if your species has an equivalent for it.”

Eclod made the note to do so. She knew Riana went back to work when she heard the ‘toy’ begin ‘stimming’.

[andejoe]

I love your stories, and that's why I question…

How do you think the aliens reacted to knowing some of the traditions such as the day of the dead or Halloween?

Look, I’m gonna start this off by warning you guys that I don’t celebrate holidays so any misrepresentation here is entirely accidental. I am doing research to try to not be ridiculously wrong but ultimately I’m relying on the internet to tell me the truth so, yeah.

Hope everyone enjoys.

—

Instructor Enya did love teaching her Human Studies class. Especially during this particular section. Earth has such a rich history of holidays and rituals that even her human students were learning new things.

On Enya’s desk sat a large bowl filled with slips of paper. On each slip was written the name of an Earth holiday. Each student would walk up and select one at random. Enya’s only rule was if you had celebrated that particular holiday before, you put it back and redraw.

Her students filed inside one by one, and as they did, Enya had them select a paper slip as they went to their desks. Once everyone was settled, she began.

“Today you are all going to research the holiday you’ve selected. I will be here to answer your questions. Starting next week, each one of you will take turns leading the class through the celebration rituals of your holiday. Some of you may have easier holidays than others, but that doesn’t mean your task is easier. I want you to really try your best to bring to life these traditions.”

Almost every hand raised immediately.

Enya nodded, already knowing the questions. “Yes, within reason. The more you are able to show us the celebration, the better your grade, but don’t feel obligated to drag any flora or fauna into my class. Photos will do just fine.”

—

Very few students turned in a project at all. Of those that turned one in, only two presented to the class.

The student who was assigned Midsummer made the horrible mistake of watching a vid, which resulted in immediate hospitalization and therapy. Enya considered moving Midsummer to a more advanced Human Studies class to avoid another Hanukkah incident.

Another student did a test run of their project on Baltic Porter Day and ended up hospitalized for other reasons.

Of the two who presented, the Chinese New Year project went over the best, with the student even finding out what animal the rest of the class had.

The Day of the Dead presentation lacked, in Enya’s opinion. They didn’t present a confectionary skull or mention their own deceased family, the two lowest bars Enya set for that particular holiday.

In the end, Enya broke the bad news to her students.

“Now that the holiday portion is over, we’re going into rituals of ancient earth. We’re going to focus mainly on 1990-2010 decades but if you’d like to research earlier or later rituals, you may.”

[andejoe]

Alien: *looks at human crew* Edible. Inedible. Inedible.

The four humans share a look of confusion.

Human 1: alright, first of all, why am I the only edible one?

Human 2: why wasn’t human 4 on that list?

Human 4: yeah, am I edible or not?

Human 3: better question, why would you eat us? You’re a herbivore!

Alien: I’ll have you know my species has known to become omnivorous in times of crisis.

Human 2: ok, then where does human 4 land on that list?

Alien 2: human 4 is edible but poisonous so yeah you could eat them but they’d probably kill you for it.

Human 4: ha! I’m poisonous! Take that!

Human 1: this is completely arbitrary! There’s no biological difference between us. Why do you get to be poisonous!

Alien 1 and Alien 2 walk away to update the massive list of Edible or Not Humans. The joke must go on.

[andejoe]

I want to blaze one of my posts so badly but it would entirely be a joke and I don’t have the money for it.

Yet.

One day I’m gonna and I’m going to pick the dumbest story I’ve written.

[andejoe]

“We shouldn’t be doing this.”

My friend since ship assignment didn’t even turn around. “You don’t have to come, but I’m going.”

I followed still. “This is a bad idea. Human Sarah didn’t even want to mess with these things. If the human said no-“

Fryll interrupted me. “Human Sarah is not the great warrior everyone thinks she is. She got scared at a photo of an arachnid.”

“That’s not the point! These things are not safe!” I insisted.

Fryll finally stopped and turned to me. “Look, I’ve done the research. I know what I’m doing. If we get one as a pup, it will bond with us. Having one of these as a protector is going to make everything infinitely safer in the long run. We just gotta grab one.”

“It’s not the pups I’m afraid of,” I reminded him.

Fryll shook his head. “Then stay here.”

He kept going. I turned to look back, but only to indulge in the dream of leaving. I couldn’t leave Fryll to this. If he was going to make it back, he’d need help. I turned back and ran after him.

We got closer to their nest, home, whatever it’s called. We were moving slower and quieter.

“So why can’t we just buy a pup?” I asked softly.

“Research says that wild ones are better.”

Better?

“Better at what?” I demanded.

Fryll shrugged.

“You don’t know? We’re risking our necks and you don’t know why?” I hissed.

“Look, just watch my back Ok? I can see the pups right over there. I’ll be back.”

Fryll took off, trying to avoid the underbrush. I was very annoyed at my friend, but turned to watch out for predators anyway.

Yellow eyes stared back at me. I froze.

The creature was maybe a half meter tall, and silent. It was creepy how silent it was. How long had it been following us?

It bared fangs, and I racked my brain for pertinent information. I recalled one of my favorite game shows “Dog or Not” and tried to desperately place this animal.

Four legs, canine appearance-

I jerked as it chirped. I stopped breathing.

Dogs don’t chirp.

“Not a dog.” My voice was barely a whisper. I needed to look to Fryll, to warn him. I couldn’t turn my head. I tried to speak again, but a second chirp to my left made my voice and my blood freeze.

“NOT A DOG!”

The things around me all poked their heads up. I counted seven in total. They all turned to the source of the screaming.

One creature went rolling sideways as something hit it, and the others ran, laughing?

Human Sarah grabbed my arm. “Run.” She thrust a large stick into my hands. “Hit anything you see. Be loud.” She pushed me back towards our transport.

I ran. I ran screaming and swinging my stick around like an idiot who followed his friend into a very dangerous situation. I ran until I made it back onto the transport, where I promptly backed myself into a corner and collapsed.

Human Sarah and Fryll arrived a few minutes later. Fryll was bleeding, Sarah looked angry. She pushed Fryll into a seat and took control of the transport.

“I told you NOT to mess with those dogs,” she snapped.

“Not a dog,” I repeated.

“No, they aren’t. They’re called hyenas, but these aren’t Earth hyenas. These have adapted to this planet, which makes them unpredictable.”

The transport shuddered as it lifted off.

“I thought they were dogs. They look like dogs,” Fryll stated, but his voice sounded disconnected, as if he was not attached to it.

“Yeah, but they aren’t. They are deadly though, which is why I said not to go get one. If you wanted a pet, I could have gotten you guys a pit bull or literally any dog that’s not a wild hyena,” Sarah snapped.

“Not a dog,” I agreed.

Sarah glanced at me, her face twisted into something not anger. “Don’t worry Sahra, we’ll be back soon enough.”

“Not a dog.”