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bomberqueen17 · 2 months ago

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who let me out

Most of the time I spend on Tumblr has been taken up in writing these Aubreyad book recaps so I haven't been talking about my own life but there's not a lot to say.

However!

I am making a voyage to England next week which is extremely exciting, and yes I'm going to see the museum exhibit about that archaeology dig I was so excited about. I have been so stressed lately that I have barely thought about this and in fact last night I finally was like "do i need like. socks n underwear for this trip. idek." and i haven't even looked at weather reports so I don't know what clothes I need. But I did live in the UK for a while once so I'm fairly confident that my good raincoat and new waterproof boots will be a good start towards an autumn wardrobe.

So I hope to talk about that more, coming up.

Meanwhile, rambling about personal life stuff

The last stint at the farm was so fucking stressful. I had to work the market sometimes, which means a full day of work on Saturday. We had so much work to get through, and several people who help us weren't available, so we had to do it all ourselves, and that meant some ten-hour days, meant some exhausting slogs. At the end I was like "do you know what I'm not going to do while I'm on vacation?" "no, what" "ever touch raw chicken." I singlehandedly had to package like 1000 pounds of raw chicken in two days, after having packaged 200 whole chickens the day before. I was just so tired of the way raw cold chicken feels in my hands. Ugh ugh ugh.

I got so stressed I just wasn't sleeping, which sucked. Oh, I'd get into bed, and I'd fall asleep at my normal time-- usually around 10pm-- and then I'd wake up at 2am and that was it, I was up for the day. I tried various things-- went to bed at 9, woke up at 1-- lay there pretending to sleep-- got up and wrote-- got up and walked around-- one night I watched the entirety of the Master & Commander movie from 2003 on YouTube. Why not! I did remember some of it from 20 years ago, how funny.

(My dad liked that movie. His favorite thing to do during movies was to quibble about historical inaccuracies. But this movie had so much fanservice for reenactors in it that he was quietly delighted. His quibble was that the violin and cello duets were too good, they should've recorded amateurs. He had a point.)

Anyway. I was researching various methods of helping one sleep-- the only one at my disposal was weed gummies and I spent one very miserable night just lying there high and bored and not sleeping and wasn't totally sober when morning came and that fucking sucked. I commute on foot or I never would have risked it, but being very slightly still high and exhausted and trying to do repetitive physical work was really, really dispiriting.

but we got everything done. In the end. And I left. And once I got home I went to sleep and I have not had really any appreciable trouble sleeping since. I can even nap, sometimes!

Heck.

One of the things I'd meant to take care of while I was at the farm was that of course on my birthday, my fucking driver's license expired. On the one hand, thank you DMV, it used to be that everyone's license expired on the same day, so you'd have to go wait in massive lines to get it dealt with. Now it's... not evenly distributed exactly, because people's birthdays are a random distribution, but it's a perfectly logical and reasonable way to organize expiration dates. But it meant that in the midst of this exhausting miserable stint of work when I didn't have time to do anything really fun for my birthday (don't cry for me, my mom made me a cake and my BIL bought me ice cream treats) I also was consumed with angst about needing to renew my license. i was so sure they'd yell at me because I hadn't renewed before it expired-- but they wanted me to do an eye test, and I could not, could not coordinate that, I'm overdue for an optometrist appointment by several years and I just could not fucking make it happen.

So I went to the DMV yesterday and was like "i both want to renew this license and upgrade it to the enhanced version since that will be required for planes soon" and they were like "we need both your passport and your social security card and two proofs of residency." and i was like you need the social security card and proof of residency to get the passport. and they were like yeah but we need all four things too. so I went back home with the form and found the various necessary proofs, but then I was able to make an appointment to go back. Great!

(They say, "make an appointment online!" but if you look up the DMV website there's nowhere to do it, and if you go to the website of that branch of the DMV there's nowhere to do it. Want to know why? Because it's not through the DMV it is through the county clerk's office. Now U Know: Go to the county clerk's office and navigate to their section on the DMV. It's separate! Who fuckin knew! Now you do! [In my case this was erie.gov because that is my county, but it may vary for you and if you are not in new york state i have no advice for you.]

All having an appointment means is that you are in a separate queue to be seen, which is likely faster than the general pool but may not be. Still, I thought it was a good idea.

And then it was early for my appointment and I was getting my shit together and I had my social security card and an old W-2 with my address and social security number and my old license with my address on it and for some reason I thought I could use my checkbook but that's not what they mean by a cancelled check but whatever. I had just a random pile of shit. And

where was my passport

where is my passport?

i'd had it in my pocket but i was sure i'd removed it from the pocket and put it into my purse. but it wasn't in my purse. "did you see it inside the house," asks dude patiently, who also is prone to losing shit and who knows me very well. "I don't know," I have to answer. "I remember putting it in my purse and it isn't there." I search the place I put my purse a thousand times, I go through the desk where I was sitting to collect the other proofs but i knew, I knew I had not brought it in there. Time is slipping away, I will miss my appointment. God time is slipping away and I can't find the thing. I ransack the house. I finally run out to the car, did I leave it on the seat in the car? It is not in the car.

In desperation, as it is fully time to leave the house and I will be late if I don't, I gather up all my other papers and go out to the car. "I will just go," I say, "and ask them, did they find it, because that is the last place I am absolutely sure I had it." Because the woman had looked at it to see if I had my social security card between the pages. And she'd handed it back to me. But my memory is such that the rest of what I did is not certain; I remember taking it, I remember putting it into my pocket, but this might be a story I am telling myself. This is the way in which I am a very good liar, because I do not remember things very well, and my well-honed abilities as a storyteller mean I am very, very good at instantly constructing what it would make the most sense to have done, and telling that story even to myself. But. here's the horrible truth: i don't know if it really happened that way. Many things I have witnessed, important things, I remember the story of but I'm not entirely certain they happened that way. Any story I tell may be fictionalized, and I usually dont' know it.

So anyway.

Got out to my car and there on the ground in the road (I am parked in the street) there is my passport lying next to the driver's side door of the car. When I had checked the car earlier, I had only gone to the near side, the passenger side, and looked in the window. It had never occurred to me that my memory of putting it into my purse might have been me just setting it on my purse and it not going in, which is clearly one hundred percent what happened.

So that was. A fucking wild ride, and I did not cry but only because I was too overwhelmed. I made it to the appointment and I could not hear the very nice clerk very well so I kept nodding at her in blank incomprehension and then not doing what she'd asked me to do. But this is the thing-- if you think of the most brutally competent people on the entire face of the planet Earth you might be tempted to imagine like, IDK, Marines or something, but that would be wrong, it is the clerks at the DMV. They will Get It Done, whatever the fuck it is, and they will NOT put up with your shit, but they will also not be mean to you. They will not usually waste time in smiles or gratuitous displays of humanity, but they are never cruel, they are implacable and pitiless but they are fair and they will help you and they will not smile about it but they will tell you which option to tick off on the form so that you don't have to pay a bunch of extra money, and they will be understatedly kind if you are frightened, and they will calmly and impassively repeat their instructions until they penetrate your uncomprehending skull, and you will get what you need to get because this is deadly serious and they are the kind of bureaucrat that actually make the world go round. It is not sunshine and rainbows but it will absolutely get done even if it takes months and years.

Anyway there's some kind of divinity in low-level bureaucrats who actually have to talk to frightened people, I tell you what.

The only time my clerk smiled at me was when I didn't hear her and she had to repeat that the screen was asking me if I wanted to register to vote, which is an automatic part of all their transactions. "Oh, no," I said, "I'm already registered," and she said "then press no," and I said "I do really appreciate the reminder though," and she smiled at that.

(They also ask you to enroll as an organ donor. NYS is an opt-in state, and many people just don't opt in; opt-out states have much higher enrollment for obvious reasons. Please opt in unless your religion or beliefs proscribe it! There are never enough organs and your grieving family will almost never remember to opt you in at the moment of extremity. You could save so many lives, and improve so many others. This PSA brought to you by someone who spent the pandemic lockdown in the home of a member of the local hospital's liver transplant team, who was so busy because all the New York hospitals had shut down their transplant facilities in order to turn the ventilators over to Covid patients, so everyone in New York who was getting a liver was getting it in Rochester. From my guy's team. So it was a stressful time. But I am successully re-enrolled as an organ donor. I am quite sure I already was one but the only two options were Yes or No so I checked Yes.)

Anyway I have so much to do and am so burned-out that I'm repeatedly getting stuck staring at things in odd rooms, so. We'll see how this goes. I have five days left to get ready for this trip wish me luck.

#about the author #personal updates

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janetbrown711 · 1 year ago

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Well, Well, Look Who's Inside Again

MK finds out Tang had "sleepover" with Pigsy after New Years, and invites him to play a game or two.

tw for references to child/domestic abuse (both emotional and physical), as well as homophobia

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 8.5 Part 9 Part 10 Part 10.5 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14

Ao3 Link

Despite New Years being an incredibly long night for MK and Mei alike, kids were kids and they still rose with the sun over Megapolis and far before Pigsy did, which was usual for holidays and weekends.

Since it was holiday break, that meant MK and Mei had a few more hours than usual before they had to go to the restaurant to help out, which was also why despite any pre-existing tiredness, they embraced the early daylight.

Well– MK did anyways, Mei was always a heavier sleeper. He didn’t mind though, emerging from his room into the delicate sanctity of the empty living room without much trouble. He was silent as ever, closing his door and barely making a sound as he snuck himself a banana which he ate in record time before strategically placing it under paper plates in the trash so nobody’d find it.

After that he went over to the couch and proceeded to get a head start on building the pillow fort for the game he and Mei liked to play, draping blankets over couch cushions and lamps alike until there were about three separate areas. Now all MK really had to do was wait for his bestest friend.

However, strangely enough, it wasn't Mei's door that opened first, but Pigsy's and–

"Mr. Tang? What're you doing here?" MK tilted his head, noticing the man was in one of Pigsy’s robes and one of his shirts too– and his pajamas pants.

The poor guy nearly tripped over himself before his eyes went to MK in his fort.

"H-h-hi, MK! Fancy seeing you here!" Tang smiled, clutching a hand over his heart.

"I live here," MK blinked.

"That you do," the man gave a laugh even MK could tell was forced. "See, I was just– um– I was going to use the–"

MK stared at him, noticing his hair was disheveled, his glasses were crooked, and he was apparently also borrowing Pigsy's slippers.

"Is Pigsy awake?" MK decided to ask.

"Ah– no," Tang said apologetically.

"Then why are you here?" He tilted his head again.

“Well– umm–” Tang looked around the apartment, clearly looking for a way out of what he must be thinking as an awkward conversation– though MK couldn’t fathom why he’d think that.

“Did you have a sleepover?” MK asked further.

This made Tang even more red in the face, before he cleared his throat and nodded. “Y-yes– a sleepover– I wasn’t in any condition to really go home last night and so Pigsy helped me out– in a way,” Tang muttered that last bit, but MK shrugged it off, satisfied he got his answer.

“Sooo… um�� W-what’re you playing?” Tang decided to ask since MK didn’t say anything else.

“Oh, I’m not playing yet– waiting for Mei,” MK briefly explained, adjusting some pillows and a stack of books.

“Ahhh, I see,” Tang smiled and looked around. “Quite the elaborate set up you got here; I must say, I’m impressed.”

MK perked up. “You really think so?”

“Of course!” The scholar laughed. “It takes an impressive eye to see all of Pigsy’s things and be able to transform it into all of this. You’ve got quite the creative mind, MK.”

“Oh, you know, it’s just making a mess– you should see how quickly I can put it all away, Mei says that’s the real impressive part,” He laughed to himself as he adjusted a blanket.

“Really?” Tang sat on the ground under one of the forts.

MK nodded proudly. “I’m a master at cleaning, according to Piggy n’ Mei.”

The scholar’s face twitched ever so slightly, which MK noticed too, but that meant anything then Tang didn’t say.

“Well, that’s very impressive, MK,” Tang said instead, so MK was probably just seeing things. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time...

“So… what’s the game?” The scholar asked.

“It changes a lot, but most of the time it’s about hiding from the sleeping dragon,” MK explained. “We need the forts because if the dragon wakes up and they hear you, they burst in and eat you.”

“Wow, that’s a mean dragon,” Tang laughed a little strangely. “Is it always Mei who’s the dragon and you’re the–... victim?”

MK shook his head. “Me n’ Mei take turns.”

“Right, right,” Tang nodded, scratching his neck– which MK just realized he hadn’t really seen before.

“Mr. Tang, why do you always wear a scarf?” MK asked with zero hesitation.

Tang’s face turned dark red. “I– oh wow– I totally forgot I’m not wearing it right now,” He laughed nervously, his hand covering the back right side of it.

“Yeah, why aren’t you in your clothes?” MK was still confused about that.

“Ah– they got all soaked in the weather last night, it’s nothing really– Pigsy was just so generous– anyways–” Tang coughed. “I wear my scarf because I… like it. Makes me feel safe.”

“I don’t like wearing scarves, they make me feel all… chokey,” MK shuddered.

“To each their own,” Tang said without any judgment, which felt… strange coming from an adult.

“I hate the neckties they make us wear at school,” MK added, fiddling with a book pile. “They’re really annoying.”

Tang laughed. “I’ve never understood school uniforms, I always hated them as a kid.”

“The shirts are so itchy,” MK agreed.

“And the teachers? Yikes,” Tang ran fingers through his hair.

“I hate Headmaster Jianxi, he makes Pigsy feel bad,” MK crossed his arms. “And Miss Yang is mean too.”

Mr. Tang thought for a second. “Do you ever wish you could switch schools, MK?”

“No, I need Mei,” MK quickly dismissed the idea.

“Well, what if she transferred with you?” The man then suggested, and MK had to think about that.

“I… No. Teachers suck everywhere,” he ultimately decided– and that wasn’t mentioning how Mei knew the place and seemed to be okay with it and even liked parts of it. Plus, it was what her parents wanted for her and MK understood that her parents were nice.

Mr. Tang didn’t seem happy about that though, giving a long sigh. “It won’t be like this forever, you know that, right?”

MK furrowed his brows, unsure of what he was implying.

The man laughed a little awkwardly. “I– what I mean is– um–...” he looked away, fiddling with the collar of the gigantic robe. “Not all teachers are terrible, and you’ll probably find one you like in the future. You’re only seven, your life isn’t over.”

“Oh– uh… okay,” MK slowly nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

“Yes! And– and you shouldn’t force yourself to be miserable for the sake of others, so if you really, really, really don’t like that school–”

“I like the school, Mr. Tang. The play yard is cool,” MK lied, uncomfortable with all the concern.

“Right… right, of course, I’m not trying to force you to do anything, of course, I just–... you know what, I think I should go back to Pigsy,” Tang sighed and rubbed his face before getting up, but MK grabbed his (or technically Pigsy’s) pajama pants.

“I don’t want you to go– you left early last night too,” MK pleaded, surprised to see how surprised Tang looked.

“You… missed me?” Tang fiddled with the robe collar again.

“Yeah! Nainai and Mr. Zhu are… they aren’t you and Piggy,” MK still didn’t know how he felt about his grand”guardians”.

“Oh, of course,” Tang sat back on the ground in front of the boy. “Last night wasn’t too hard, was it?”

MK looked away.

Mr. Zhu was weird, and started smoking the second Pigsy was out of sight with Tang. It had sparked an argument between him and Nainai, which almost made MK cry, but Mei held his hand, which was nice. When the fireworks started going off, Nainai’s yelling only got angrier as she blamed Mr. Zhu for there not being any seats left, and Mr. Zhu then called her something MK’s ‘baba’ had called his ‘mama’ often, which had brought back a lot of bad memories and made him feel worse.

After a bit of squabbling, Nainai took Mei and MK’s hands and dragged them away from Mr. Zhu to a little spot where they could all sit. She then acted like nothing had happened at all and even started to braid Mei’s hair. She started going on and on about how she always wanted a granddaughter and how Mei was so pretty and smart and talented and reminded her of herself. After a bit, Mr. Zhu came back and just sat next to MK, and Nainai didn’t acknowledge him at all, just going on and on about how she was when she was a girl and how her mother was a saint and all these things. Meanwhile MK could just feel the cigarette smoke pushing down his neck. He tried looking to Mei for comfort, but Nainai had kept her head forward so she could braid easily, so MK was… kinda alone.

When the fireworks ended, MK was exhausted and asked to go back, to which Nainai had said the night was hardly over and there were so many things she could still buy for them, and yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, Mr. Zhu laughed at MK and said he reminded him of ‘your punk guardian’ when he was a kid, and it just made him feel weird and confused and sad. He almost cried, but Mr. Zhu had told him ‘it was a joke’ and to ‘not take it so soft’ and that ‘at least he wasn’t a ‘yutao’ like Pigsy was’, which just sounded even more mean.

When Nainai heard that, she scolded Mr. Zhu more and told MK not to cry because Mr. Zhu was "just like that" and he was also "just trying to get a reaction out of you". She then went and bought MK and Mei more things before they all went back to Pigsy’s place, and she insisted on tucking him in even though he didn’t want to and she kissed his forehead and tried removing his bandana. She didn’t like it when he fought on it, but muttered something under her breath eventually and let it be until she told him goodnight and finally– finally left.

MK hadn’t had the energy to go and spend the night with Mei.

“No, it was good,” MK lied again. “I just missed you. Plus, you seemed scared when you left.”

“O-oh… I… yeah, I guess I was,” Tang sighed. “I wish I could tell you why, but… I don’t know. Sometimes loud noises just overwhelm me and I get scared and jumpy. I know it isn’t normal, but I also don’t know how to stop it.”

“Oh…” MK slowly nodded. “That’s okay. I sometimes hear buzzes my teachers n’ parents say aren’t real.”

Tang smiled warmly. “Thanks, MK.”

MK gave a cheesy grin and thumbs up that made Tang laugh.

Good. It was working.

“So… um… do you want to play with me n’ Mei?” MK offered.

“O-oh! I– I’m not too old, am I?” He laughed nervously.

“No one’s too old, Mr. Tang,” MK laughed too.

“Well then… I guess I could use the de-stressor,” Tang joked mostly to himself, but MK just rolled with it.

“Okay! Um… we could set up another house, but I don’t think Pigsy has enough couches,” he looked around to confirm his suspicions.

“Wouldn’t it heighten the challenge if we keep the same amount? That way it’s more likely one of the two of us will lose?” Tang asked.

“Oh! Ummmmmm… yeah, it would,” MK ultimately agreed, despite the fact he hated losing. Then again, maybe Tang was right and it’d be more fun– he’d just have to give it a shot, right? It was what he wanted anyways.

As if right on cue, Mei’s door opened and she tiredly stumbled her way over, her hair still in multiple little braids from the night before.

“Good morning, Mei,” Tang chuckled.

“Mr. Tang? What’re you doing here?” Mei rubbed her eyes.

“He and Piggy had a sleepover so he’s gonna join us,” MK grinned at his friend, who looked at Tang.

“Sleepover?” She asked him, and the scholar's face turned deep red.

“W-well– it was just so late and I was exhausted– it was more of a ‘he nursed me back to help’ type situation– really, it wasn’t like it was all that personal really, it was just– not that I don’t like Pigsy or appreciate his help–! We’re really good friends, it’s just– you know– it was– well it was very nice and all, I’m not trying to sound ungrateful– but I just– you know– it was–”

“Okay,” Mei shrugged, and Tang sighed a huge breath of relief.

“So, uh… is it okay if he plays with us?” MK asked her.

Mei looked at him and thought long and hard (or at least pretended to by tapping her chin and tilting her head back and forth). “Mmmmmmm, he does owe us for last night…”

The scholar blushed. “R-right, I’m–”

“Silence, I am thinking,” Mei stuck a finger in Tang’s face, which made MK giggle.

For further drama, Mei circled around the scholar, who looked completely lost for what he was supposed to do. He just kept looking at MK who gave him two thumbs up that the man returned, which MK found funny.

After a bit of this though, Mei came to her verdict.

“He can play. It’ll be fun to kill him,” She grinned.

“Aha… just like old times,” Tang pulled a bit on his borrowed t-shirt’s collar. MK tilted his head, which made the man quickly shake it off. “Nevermind– let's get playing, no?”

“Okay! I’ll be first!” Mei grinned mischievously and jumped over the couch so she could get behind the forts. “I’m going to sleep! Such a sleepy little dragon am I,” Mei giggled as she curled into a ball and began to “snore” at a volume that could rival Pigsy.

“Okay, so what do we do now?” Tang whispered to MK.

“Well, we gotta try and not be too loud, and whenever Mei stops snoring we can’t make a sound or else she'll wake up,” MK explained, already crawling over to a different fort than he started.

“Ah, okay I see,” Tang started moving around too when Mei went silent and the both of them froze and looked at each other.

Mei went back to snoring.

“So, how many times can she, you know, just go back to sleep?” Tang asked as he and MK again switched their forts.

“One time she actually fell asleep, but that was kinda funny,” MK giggled until Mei stopped snoring again.

She continued.

“So she can do this all day? No limits?” Tang puzzled.

“It’s why we’ve never asked Piggy to play; he snores great, but I’m pretty sure he’d sleep too,” MK laughed and this time when Mei stopped snoring he didn’t stop in time.

“RAH! I’m gonna get you!” Mei cackled dramatically, and Tang and MK scrambled to different forts before Mei snuck behind the one Tang was in and tackled him.

“Got you, Mr. Tang! Omnomnomnomnom,” Mei started “eating” his arm and the man laughed while blankets and pillows fell everywhere, though MK was quick to try and fix it for them.

“Okay, so that means it’s now your turn, Mr. Tang,” MK informed, realigning some books.

“Sure, if you can get this little dragon off of me,” Tang tried shaking his arm out with a laugh as Mei kept ‘biting’.

“Sorry MK, you’re no match for this hungry gal,” She flashed him a cheeky grin and continued eating his arm.

“Meiiiiiiiiiiiiii,” MK huffed and the girl stopped and rolled her eyes.

“Alright, alright, I hears ya,” She got off of Tang and helped MK rebuild the fort, while Tang glanced at the boy.

“MK, that was a little mean don’t you think?” he whispered.

MK froze.

“I-I didn’t mean to– I-I–”

“Woah there– I was just– maybe let Mei do what she wants for a little bit longer, alright? She’s just having fun,” Tang placed a hand on MK’s shoulder, which he didn’t like.

“Okay, Mr. Tang,” He straightened himself out a bit.

Tang smiled a little sadly (which MK double didn’t like) and finished the fort before going behind as Mei had and curling into a ball.

“There’s no way ol’ Tang’s gonna win against us, right MK? We’re champs at this,” Mei grinned with pride as she went from one fort to the other.

“Y-yeah! We’re– we’re good at this,” MK couldn’t help but feel shaken for some reason and he hated it.

Mei looked like she was going to say something, but Tang stopped snoring and they had to freeze. That didn’t stop her from looking at him, though MK certainly didn’t look at her.

…Jeez, how long was Tang going to not snore???

He could see Mei trying to mouth his name out of the corner of his eye but properly ignored it.

Tang finally continued his snoring.

“Dude, what the heck?” Mei looked at him.

“I’m trying to win, Mei, duhhh,” MK lied with a laugh.

“Oohhhh, I see how it is,” Mei bought it with a smirk. “Smart.”

“That’s why they call me ‘smartie kid’,” MK grinned.

“Who? Miss Jiayi?” Mei laughed. “She doesn't count.”

“I– other people call me smart!” MK protested, feeling his face get hot.

Tang stopped snoring, so MK just tried to hide his face and Mei covered her mouth to stop her laughing.

He continued.

“You almost got me caught!” Mei accused.

“What?! How is your stupid joke my fault?” MK was genuinely confused.

Mei blew a raspberry and laughed while continuing her regular switching pattern while MK just felt very, very lost and… and bad too.

He tried shaking it off for the game's sake and continued crawling.

“Your dorky face got all red– it’s funny,” Mei informed with a giggle, but MK’s face just got hotter.

“I-I’m just– trying to win, haha,” MK lied yet again, barely even moving.

“Ahhh I see, the statue strategy,” Mei squinted as she continued to move.

“Yes–! It’s– um– a new thing I’m coming up with, so… uh… yeah,” MK swallowed a lump in his throat.

“I see, you sneaky li’l devil,” Mei grinned.

“Mei, can you n–”

Tang stopped snoring.

MK sighed in annoyance– before realizing that was the exact opposite of what he was meant to do, and the two of them rushed their ways to different forts and Tang ended up tackling an empty one, which MK quickly went to fix.

“See, MK? What’d I tell you? Mr. Tang is no match for us,” Mei crossed her arms smugly.

“Yep yep,” MK forced a weak agreement before picking up the books.

“Drat, it looks like I’ll just have to get you next time,” Tang grinned mischievously at Mei.

“If you even can, oldie,” Mei stuck her tongue out.

Tang gave a fake offended gasp. “How dare you! I’ll have you know I have plenty of youthful years left.”

Mei laughed more. “You’re old~”

“What?! What makes me old, hm?” Tang crossed his arms while MK rolled his eyes and struggled rebuilding.

“You got old man glasses,” Mei pointed out. “And you go to old man schools and study old man things. I bet you even knew that Monkey King guy personally.”

“Woah there, I’m not that old,” Tang laughed.

“Whatever, oldie,” Mei blew a raspberry just as MK was able to finish rebuilding.

“Um, the fort’s rebuilt so–”

“MK…” Mr. Tang glanced at him with this– this look that made MK shrink back.

“Go back to your old person cave, oldie; you’ll need your rest to catch a ‘youngster’ like me,” Mei smirked.

“Oh, I’m not letting you go that easy this time, so you better watch your back,” Tang stood and did one of those ‘I’m watching you’ signals, which Mei returned until Tang was back behind the forts and ‘snoring’ again.

This time, Mei didn’t even try talking to MK, too busy trying to sneak peeks at Mr. Tang and giggling to herself. She didn’t manage to correct in time when he suddenly stopped and this time, he successfully guessed the fort Mei was hiding in and crashed it all down with a big roar.

“Who’s the ‘oldie’ now, huh Mei? Huh?” He grinned wide as he began to tickle Mei who kicked and squealed happily while MK just… watched.

Tang and Mei were destroying the other forts left and right, and MK wanted to fix them, but there really wasn’t a point. They clearly didn’t really want to play– or at least with him.

They were fine on their own. They didn’t need a “nag” like him.

And so quickly and quietly, MK walked out of the living space and made his way to his room where he promptly locked the door before laying on his bed in the dark.

It was just a joke. It was all just “fun” . Why was MK always ruining these things? He didn’t mean to. He never meant to ruin or hurt anyone or anything. He just… did. It was like he was a “no fun” magnet– maybe that’s why Mei was his only friend. No, scratch that– that was why Mei was his only friend.

Jokes jokes jokes jokes jokes– “Lighten up, Xiaotian, it’s just a joke”. “What kind of kid can’t take a joke?” “She’s just having fun”.

Ugh…

…A part of him wondered how long it would take Tang and Mei to notice he was gone.

Another part of him hoped it wouldn’t be for a long, long, long time.

Eventually he heard steps running to his door before there was knocking, and he could hear Mei panting.

“MK– MK, we’re setting it up again, c’mon!” Mei urged him, but MK knew she didn’t really want that– she was having more fun with Mr. Tang.

A secret, third part of MK wished he hadn’t invited Mr. Tang to play at all.

“MK?” Mei knocked again. “MK, you there?”

MK didn’t respond, picking up his beloved monkey Luanshi and hugging them tight as he just stared up at the ceiling in the dark.

He deserved to feel bad about this. He was being mean. And a “bummer”.

“MK..?”

He heard his door’s handle shake, which instinctively made him cling to Luanshi tighter– but it stopped and he could hear Mei going back to the living area to play with Tang again.

Good.

…

MK was disappointed in himself. He was supposed to be acting better for Mr. Pigsy’s sake. He remembered clear as day what Mr. Tao said and how he needed to be good and human, not selfish and mean, and– it didn’t feel right to call those emotions demonic since Pigsy wasn’t any of those, but– well–

Ugh– why did things always have to be so confusing? He really thought being good would be a lot easier. And not his “parents” version of good– actually good.

There was another knock at his door, this one being much softer than the previous had been, which meant it had to be Mr. Tang’s.

“MK..?” The man in question spoke up. “Are you alright?”

MK didn’t feel like answering that, it would just ruin their fun.

“MK, if this is about what I said earlier I’m–... I’m sorry, I was out of line, I’m not your parent– I just– I don’t know why I said that…”

MK glanced at the door over his shoulder but remained curled on his bed.

He heard Tang sigh and sit on the ground with his back against the door. “Pigsy’s a lot better at this than me– which is good because this– this really isn’t my place. I’m so sorry, MK, I shouldn’t– I– I’m just… I’m sorry.”

MK bit his cheek. “Pigsy’s not… my dad either.”

He felt horrible for saying it, but it was what Pigsy believed…

“Oh…” Mr. Tang said quietly.

MK traced over Luanshi’s stitches again and again.

“That–... MK, do… Do you know there are people who love you?”

“Y-yeah, I have Mei,” He said, only half-believing it.

“But me and Pigsy– we love you too… do you know that?”

MK blinked. “I-I, um…”

“MK… I’m… I’m going to ask a personal question, is that okay?”

No. Not really.

“Y-yeah…”

“Did your… ‘parents’... love you?”

Ah, beans.

“I-I um– y-yeah, I think so,” MK half-guessed, half-lied. “Mama would say it sometimes.”

“Would she only say it when she was… intoxicated?”

MK sat up and looked at the door, startled he could guess such a thing.

He heard the man sigh again. “My parents weren’t good either, MK. They didn’t like me or who I was and sometimes they’d… hurt me over it.”

MK hugged Luanshi tighter.

“They’d also make me feel like it was my fault– but it wasn’t. I was just being who I was and they were two full grown adults who just couldn’t handle that. It’s so… it’s just so stupid, looking back,” The man laughed weakly through the door.

MK looked at the door again and slowly but surely crept off his bed and onto the ground. “Did… your parents call you names?”

“A lot… most of which I wouldn’t even dream of sharing with you.”

“My parents called me stupid. And a brat. And a thief, and a bastard, and sneaky, a-and a devil, a-and a demon, a-and–... and other things…”

“I’m sorry, MK. That wasn’t right of them. You’re a great kid,” the man assured.

‘I’m sorry.’

Mr. Tang liked saying ‘I’m sorry’ a lot– it was weird for MK. Adults weren’t supposed to apologize like he did.

MK crept a little closer. “Your parents hit you too?”

“Sometimes my father would, if I failed him.”

“My mama would hit me cuz of her moods n’ drinking– n’ baba would hurt me if I made mama mad.”

“I’m sorry, MK.”

“S’okay.”

“It doesn’t have to be ‘okay’, MK… Things can just suck sometimes.”

MK frowned, finally crawling to the door where he sat with his back turned. “You… you won’t tell Pigsy, will you?”

Tang made a noise at that, something between a wince and a sigh. “He really should know–”

“No-! I’m– I’m supposed to be good for him a-and it’s not even school yet– I can’t let him know I failed now– I-I promised!” MK blurted out.

“Woah, woah, woah– what’s this about a promise?” he heard Tang sit up a little.

MK cursed his stupid brain.

“I– um–”

“MK, Pigsy would love you no matter what– he does love you no matter what,” Tang emphasized. “You don’t have to be anything for him. You can just be–”

“A brat? A-a stupid, selfish brat who ruins everyone else’s games?” MK repeated bitterly, setting Luanshi on his knees and messing with their arms so it looked like they were hitting MK’s head.

“You aren’t a–” Tang stopped himself. “MK, you slipped up, but you are not your mistakes.”

MK huffed.

“MK, I’m not mad at you, and I don’t hate you and neither does Mei– we love you, MK,” the man pleaded a bit and MK just lowered his head.

Mr. Tang didn’t talk for a while, though MK could hear his foot tapping anxiously.

MK was fine with that though, he liked being alone and in the dark.

“MK, I–... I meant what I said earlier; it won’t be like this forever. One day you’ll forget all about your mean parent’s cruelty and you’ll just know the love Pigsy has for you.”

“How do you–...” MK hesitated.

“‘How do I’ what..?”

MK closed his eyes. “How… do you know Pigsy… loves… me..?”

“MK, he adores you and Mei so much– why, he upended his whole entire lifestyle to make room for you two. That’s… not something someone does just because they’re nice and they could,” Tang laughed a little.

MK thought about that. “But… if he… does, then why doesn’t he ever– you know… say it?”

Mr. Tang went quiet for a moment. “I don’t think it’s easy for him. I think… I think he’s been hurt before and he doesn’t like opening himself up because of that– but he does love you, trust me, he does.”

MK thought about that too. “So he… he doesn’t think I’m a brat? Or a thief?”

“No, MK– but if he ever calls you that, I promise he doesn’t mean it. Like– you know he calls me a ‘freeloader’, right? Well, he doesn’t mean it. He’d never kick me out of his restaurant and I’m pretty sure if I ever paid for my noodles, it’d kill him,” the man laughed a little. “When he says those things, he often means the opposite– but if it makes you feel bad, you should tell him, the last thing he wants is to hurt you, MK.”

MK slowly nodded. “Y-yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

He heard Tang hum with relief. “I’m glad I could at least kinda get through to you, MK. You’re a good kid, MK– You’re a really, really good kid.”

The boy rolled his eyes a little at the sappiness. “Thanks, Mr. Tang.”

“No problem, MK… Now, do you want to finish playing our game or do you want to do something else?” He asked softly.

MK looked at Luanshi as his stomach growled. “Is Pigsy awake yet? M’kinda hungry.”

“I can check for you if you’d like,” Tang offered, standing up.

“Yeah, that’d be nice, Mr. Tang,” MK slowly stood too and looked up briefly. “A-and… thank you.”

Mr. Tang chuckled. “It’s no problem, MK. You two are delightful to be around.”

MK laughed a little as he slowly heard Tang walk away.

Well… all things considered, it certainly wasn’t his worst morning ever. It was fun for a little bit there, and… and Tang was cool. He liked knowing Tang, and he also liked knowing what he knew. He was cool.

He… wasn’t sure if he believed he or Pigsy really loved him yet, though. Heck, he barely even knew what love was, except that it was like what he and Mei had as long time friends. He knew that parents were supposed to love their kids, but his parents hadn’t and Pigsy and Tang weren’t his parents, so it left a lot of question marks in the air…

Oh well, MK had time to figure that out in the future. For now he needed to apologize to Mei for running off and being weird, but he wasn’t worried about that; Mei was pretty cool too. And besides, the sooner he apologized the sooner he could start feeling better, and then he could just focus on thinking about how good breakfast was going to be.

MK was going to be fine.

#lmk #lego monkie kid #mk lmk #tang lmk #mei lmk #my fics #dadsy of two au #tang is so girlfailure coded i love him #mk is a sweetie too #smh #tw child abuse

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michellemisfit · 1 year ago

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Tag Game Tuesday

Thanks to @celestialmickey for coming up with the fun. Thanks for the tag @tanktopgallavich @deedala @mikhailoisbaby @heymrspatel @lingy910y @thepupperino @energievie

Name: Michelle (or Lady Farmer according to a small child on the yard today lol)

Age: Never quite got past 27 in my mind 🤟

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 5 hours. 1am-4am and 5.30am-7.30am

Tumblr mobile or desktop? 100% mobile. Which means that I can’t copy and paste all the questions for these games at once, I have to copy and paste them one line at a time, or just type them from scratch.

A hobby you’d like to pick up? I’ve been invited to go axe throwing and I’ve just been so busy and tired I’ve not had a chance to go. So that, I guess? lol

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Cassis

What was your average screen time last week? 9 hours 33 minutes 🤷🏽‍♂️

A song you put on every playlist? There isn’t one. My playlists are ‘Chill, Baby Girl’, ‘Driving’, ‘Feral Hours 😏’, ‘Cape Cod Tunes’, ‘Gym 💪’, ‘King and Lionheart’, ‘MICK MILK 🤟’, ‘IAN GALL 😎’, and ‘🎶🎶🎶🎶’ - You name me a song that can go on all of those playlists, I dare you!

Having said that, everyone should have Frightened Rabbit on one of their playlists!

Favourite holiday? … May Half Term? It’s generally nice and sunny without being crazy hot yet. It’s shearing time, which is mad, but fun. There’s generally baby animals about and flowers are in bloom. What’s not to like?

Something on your bucket list: Bungee Jumping.

You’re invited to a costume party, what are you dressing up as? What aren’t I dressing up as?? I’ve got two large under the bed drawers. One is dedicated to art & craft supplies, the other one is costumes.

Arthur Pendragon is always fun (horse sold separately). Jessie from Toy Story is the CUTEST (though I’d have to get new doll contact lenses).

And then there was the year Ruth and I went to NY Comic Con with 3 matching cosplays from 3 different shows.

Spike & Willow (Buffy), Eleanor Guthrie & Anne Bonny (Black Sails), and Jace & Clary (Shadowhunters). That was good fun!

What show takes up the most space in your brain? Right now it’s counting down the days until I can watch Season 2 of The Bear!!! 😬😬

And finally, share something you’re looking forward to: Going to Cape Cod in September. I’ve not been able to go since before the pandemic and I miss it! Also Ruth and I are planning another recording junket up North, that’s always fun. And then end of this year or early next year Ruth and I are going to (hopefully) see the Northern Lights. So lots to look forward to <3

I’m late in the day so sorry if you’ve already been tagged a million times! @creepkinginc @lupeloto @grumble-fish @grossmickey @gardenerian @sluttymickey @sleepyfacetoughguy @look-i-love-u @rereadanon @crossmydna @mmmichyyy @takeyourpillsbitchh @deedala @harrowhark-a-vagrant @francesrose3 @too-schoolforcool @whatthebodygraspsnot @captainjowl

#tag games #tag game tuesday #Mys stuff #Mys face #tag you’re it

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abronzeagegod · 1 year ago

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Untitled YA Novel Chapter 10: Practical Learning

First Chapter || More

9:54 AM local time

Untouched Horizons, House Dinchdrast, Si Yátz

After a long day and all the stress that came with it, the boys slept for a long time. Their new neighbor Hira tried to sleep but she was consumed with a burning curiosity for the notes that she had received from Alt.

When her phone beeped with the delivery of the materials, she found that she was awake and there was no going back to sleep. All of the things were direct historical records, the kind of thing she always read about but never managed to get her hands on documents themselves.

The zlilfian people were fastidious record keepers. Usually it was dull things like the accounts and ledgers of crop harvests and taxes and population counts and breeding rights. But these were accounts and even court records for some things that happened thousands of years ago. It was too good a chance for Hira to pass up reading them.

She read through as much as she could in her room, but the bed she was on was softer than the one in the barracks and wound up falling asleep while reading. And she wanted to see if she could get print outs, actual paper to read off of.

As she collected herself to head out, getting changed with the loaner clothing that was provided for her, she briefly had a moment of panic that she was going to miss morning drills with Rafe, again.

But after a moment, the panic subsided, only to be replaced with sadness and despair.

Hira left her room with the sadness still hanging over her, so she went to go find something to eat. And hopefully some chocolate.

She gathered up her stuff and left her room only to find Justin and Mike a moment later, clearly lost, trying to get into a locked cleaning closet.

“You know where the cafeteria is?” Mike asked. “We’ve been wandering around for an hour.”

“Yeah,” Hira responded. “Follow me.”

“I told you that wasn’t the elevator,” Justin muttered to Mike.

The boys followed Hira back down to the first floor cafeteria.

She didn’t speak much to the boys, who felt like she was mad at them for some reason.

When they got to the wide open room, she went off to a station off in the corner. When she returned she set down two cups of hot chocolate for herself. Just as she did, another zlilfian came by with a stack of papers for her.

They exchanged a few quick words in their language.

Justin and Mike went to try and find something to eat. They recognized only a few things, mostly from what they ate last night. There were oranges, some kiwis, a couple of kinds of bread, and a few bagel shaped things that didn’t seem to have the same coloring as the bagels that the humans were used to. Mike was more adventurous than Justin was.

They sat down at Hira’s table which was now covered in papers.

She nodded at them as they sat and continued to drink her first hot chocolate.

“What are you reading?” Justin asked. “Looks like historical records?”

“Yes. These are the things that the human who attacked me was after. This is all to see if there are clues as to what they are after for me to find.”

“What could they want from the historical records?” he asked.

“I brought you some food,” Mike interrupted as he slid a plate that he had picked up and loaded up with food over to her.

“Thank you,” she said as she picked at some of the stuff he got. It was the good stuff too. Mike had excellent taste. Turning back to Justin she said, “That’s exactly something to figure out, which I am attempting.”

“What could have possibly happened in the year 100 that requires breaking into your… barracks to look up?” Mike asked as he read a piece of paper close to him.

“That’s the First Mayan Collapse,” Hira said through a mouthful of fruit. “It’s when Untouched Horizons first investigated something that they thought was related to the Silence.”

“Maybe it’s just a thing to try and figure out how they’ll respond to this,” Justin said before pausing for a long moment, “attack.”

“That’s exactly my thought,” Hira said. “You should try that one, the small green one. It’s my favorite. Very sweet, a little tart, and the texture is very pleasing. It is similar to your… gello, I think it’s called?”

“Jello,” Mike said as he took some and immediately started to spread it on some of his toast.”

“What about this stuff from… two hundred BCE?” Justin asked after tasting some of the fruit Hira had grabbed first. It was extremely sweet and a little tangy. It was interesting, unlike anything else he’d had to compare it to.

“That? I do not know,” Hira said. “It’s a time that I haven’t read very much about so I don’t know what the big events are. There’s a bunch of stuff about a political party that I’ve never heard of.”

Justin grabbed the paper he was reading and read out loud, “The Home Party commissioned a large boat, possibly the biggest wooden ship ever built, as part of a recovery mission.”

“Recovering what?” Mike asked. He had taken to his old standby of trying a single bite of everything and then moving on to combining them to see what new and strange combinations he could create.

“I don’t know,” Hira said after a long moment of thought.

“On the bright side that’s something we have in common,” Justin said as he kept reading.

“What is that?” Hira asked back, suspicious of what the commonality could possibly be.

“Our politicians suck too.”

Hira let out a low hum that was mirrored by her wings.

“What’s it like to fly?” Mike asked between a particularly unpleasant bite of a fruit combination and a much better one.

Hira paused for a long moment, she couldn’t think of a good answer. “I suppose it is like what you must feel when you swim. Freedom of direction. Something we were made to do.”

Mike nodded sagely as he turned his full attention back to his food and trying to combine things into fun, different tastes.

Hira finished off one hot chocolate and returned to her notes.

Justin wasn’t paying attention to either of the two at the table. He was trying to look over all the pages, trying to figure out what was going on and how his dad was wrapped up in it. No answers were forth-coming, and the world around him seemed to go strangely quiet.

“It’s quiet,” he said, he knew he said it. But he couldn’t hear the words.

The Silence was here.

Justin tapped Mike on the shoulder who looked up at him. His friend clapped hard in front of him. No sound came out. It was the only thing he could think to do. He did the same to Hira.

Both of them looked scared, desperately looking around everywhere trying to find the source. All they saw were what appeared to be the usual zlilfian crowds going about their lunchtime business.

A moment later an explosion rocked the cafeteria. The outer wall exploded inward, no sound accompanied it, but the wave of pressure and dust and debris sure did.

Mike immediately shoved Justin and Hira down, below the table.

After a few seconds of silence and settling dust, the attack began.

Peeking up over the edge of the table, the group saw a few zlilfians moving in and fighting with the dazed others, still stunned by the explosion.

Then in walked a man, human, with a close kept beard and brown hair. Bradford Frost. It had to be him.

Justin tapped both of his companions and pointed out the man. He could feel Mike tense next to him. However, Hira wasn’t looking at Frost. She spotted Rafe moving through the attack like she was still asleep.

She leapt up and went to Rafe, to do… she hadn’t decided what she was going to do if she was honest.

Justin tried to stop her, but Hira was gone before he could do anything. Mike looked like he wanted to jump u p and help, but Justin held him back. He pointed towards the kitchen vigorously, but Mike looked at him in confusion. Using the little bit of sign language the two managed to learn, he signed “go over there”.

Mike suddenly caught on and nodded.

Justin held up three fingers. Then two.

Then one.

The two boys stood up and immediately ran straight for the kitchen. A zlilfian got in front of Mike to try and stop them, and he didn’t hesitate to punch them right in the head.

Justin could see Mike yelling, “Sorry!” even if he didn’t hear the sound of the apology.

The two boys made it into the kitchen and ducked behind the buffet line.

Mike made a gesture that Justin didn’t realize but must have been a “what now” gesture. He tentatively picked up a sharp knife, but Justin vehemently shook his head. He had an idea, he just needed ingredients. And hoped that the zlilfians had the same safety codes that humans do.

Meanwhile, Hira had pushed by and flew by more than a few of her fellow zlilfians on her way to Rafe.

She got to her partner, and stood in front of her. But Rafe didn’t stop, or even slow down. She drew her dlondzhii and advanced on Hira.

The first swing went wide and Hira ducked under it. Rafe didn’t stop her attack. Nothing about this was right. Hira’s friend, really her only friend, was attacking her. But the body language was all wrong. Rafe didn’t look quite right. She looked like a sad puppet, being controlled by something bigger than her and without the power to stop herself, or really be aware of what was going on.

Hira dodged every attack Rafe was trying to hit her with. She had to do something to snap Rafe out of it, she just couldn’t think of anything to do!

Another blow came right at Hira’s head, and this time it looked like it was going to connect. In a decision that Hira wasn’t conscious of actually making, she dived right at Rafe.

The two boys were tearing the kitchen apart in a frenzy. Justin needed a few very specific things, and he knew very little about zlilfian cooking methods, or even their language. But what he did know was building things, breaking things, and accidentally starting fires.

Mike held up a package and frantically waved his arm at Justin to get his attention. He pointed it at it.

Justin nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

Mike went to put it in the pile of stuff that they had collected already.

Justin pulled open a cabinet and found exactly what he needed: a fire extinguisher.

He grabbed the red device and turned around to run back towards the ongoing battle.

Instead he came face to face with a zlilfian that looked like it was about to attack him. He hadn’t gotten used to their features or mannerisms yet, but this one clearly looked ready to attack. Frozen in place, Justin didn’t know what to do.

Mike knew exactly what to do.

He threw the nearest thing at hand, which was a cutting board, right at Justin’s attacker. The large piece of wood smacked into the zlilfian a few moments before Mike followed, slamming his body into the person attacking his friend.

That snapped Justin out of his shock and he ran towards the buffet line and pulled the safety release on the fire extinguisher and pulled.

Instead of a spray of cold smoke, there was a thick foaming liquid.

“There goes plan A,” Justin said to himself.

He was hoping for more smoke screen, like he so often saw in movies. But that didn’t work out how he wanted. His thought was that if sound was a problem, then take away the attackers’ vision too and it would really hamper them. And he knew that zlilfians weren’t the same as bees, but he did know that smoke had a stunning effect on bees, so maybe if he was lucky that was translate.

Time for plan B. Justin was going to have to make his own smoke.

Mike was busy defending him from the attacking zlilfian, so that meant he had to work on his own. And fast.

Justin got to work opening the various ingredients he had found in the kitchen. He really hoped this worked. And didn’t burn the entire building down.

He kept the fire extinguisher close by, just in case.

Hira tackled Rafe to the ground. She managed to duck under Rafe’s attack and eliminated her reach advantage. But now she was in a wrestling match with a girl that was bigger, stronger, and a more disciplined fighter than her. Hira could only hope that her scrappy nature was enough to keep her conscious this time around.

They landed hard on the ground and Hira tried to take advantage of bing on top to sting Rafe. She hoped to use the same tactic that Rafe had used against her and knock her friend out. Maybe that way she’d snap out of it.

Unfortunately, she missed. Rafe was the better fight, even as controlled as she was, and rolled out of the way. Now she was trying to pin Hira under her. But Hira fought her off, kicking at her with all her might. She wanted to save Rafe, but she wasn’t against hurting her a little bit. Especially since Rafe had stung her twice.

Each time she connected with a blow against her friend, Hira desperately hoped that this would be the thing that would snap Rafe out of it. But nothing was working, and they were rolling around on the floor fighting each other.

Some small part of Hira’s brain wept at how sad this situation was. She was fighting Rafe. But there was nothing else she could do but fight.

Justin was good at a few things in life. And chemistry was one of them. He did his own research outside of class, and more than a few experiments at home that got him in trouble with his dad. This was one of those things.

There are certain things that simply should not be burned, set on fire, or in this case, put in a hot thing of frying oil. Thank god that zlilfians also like their foods fried.

Justin grabbed a heavy pan and hit the valve on the back of the frier. Most times he would say that the temperature control unit was extremely important, now was not one of those times. He needed smoke and he needed it fast. Thankfully he learned his mistake when messing around with the home doughnut kit he got a few years back for making Christmas doughnuts and almost burned the house down. Justin just wanted it to be faster and more efficient.

Once the two fryers were screaming hot, Justin did the other thing you’re never supposed to do with a fryer: add things that were not designed to be fried. The correct, or incorrect, combination of ingredients would create quite a mess, and hopefully a smoky one.

Now all he could do would be to wait, and stand by with the fire extinguisher just in case.

Within moments, smoke started to fill the kitchen. The zlilfian that Mike was fighting started to retreat from the oily, dark smoke that Justin was successfully producing in great quantities.

Hira smelled the smoke before she saw it. Immediately she felt dazed and saw Rafe in front of her stumble as the smoke hit her too. For a split second, Rafe seemed to be coming out of whatever controlling haze was over her.

She moved to reach out to Rafe, but the human Bradford Frost touched her first.

Rafe settled back into the dull stupor of control by the Silence. And they were leaving.

Feeling like her chance at saving her friend was slipping from her, Hira tried to chase them down.

But the smoke was getting too thick, she felt her movements starting to slow down. She wasn’t going to let that stop her. Hire was going after Rafe, no matter what.

She tried and she tried to keep pushing forward, but after a moment it was clear that they were gone. She wanted to just settle in and go to sleep, but the enemy was flying away.

Justin heard Mike coughing and that’s when he knew that his plan had worked. Mostly.

He tried to move to shut down everything to stop the smoke, but Mike grabbed his arm to try and pull him away from the kitchen.

Justin ripped himself out of Mike’s grasp, “I’ve got to shut it off!”

“Oh, I can hear you,” Mike yelled. “At least stay down! Grab a towel and put it over your mouth!”

Justin nodded and awkwardly crab-walked over to his improvised smoke machines and quickly shut them off. He found a large cooking tray and covered the friers as best as he could. With this kind of thing, he knew that you had to smother it.

With that done, he quickly left the kitchen and followed Mike to what he hoped was safety.

i have a kofi

find me on pillowfort

#my fiction #untitled ya novel #these poor kids i put them through so much

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 2 years ago

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#original fiction #floornight

It's been a while

Earlier this year, at the point that my attention had begun to wander a little and I felt the impulse to make a note of the days and the date in my calendar as if it was something that I had done already, it occurred to me that I hadn't been keeping an up-to-date record of the days I had been staying awake. This was a new low, and so, as a form of self-flagellation and atonement, I decided to attempt to do something about this by setting an alarm on my phone and staying awake for the day when the alarm went off.

I had not yet noticed that my sleep was getting more and more disturbed by visions and dreams. I suppose this might not be too surprising, as I had spent much of this past year getting less and less sleep due to the stress of moving and other such things. Nonetheless, the fact that I did not notice that I was having increasingly vivid, disturbing, and vivid dream-like memories of the night before until it had already happened did come as quite a surprise.

And, the more I did this, the more I found that my ability to remember the actual content of the past day of my life had also become rather foggy. The days blurred together. There were long, long spans of time during which everything felt like the same sort of indistinct mess. These spans of time could have lasted from minutes to weeks, or even longer. It was only during the actual night-times that this fog lifted, but the morning after seemed just as hazy.

[begin log]

Jan. 8, 2020: Today I have woken up at 4:42 PM. I have been awake for just over 14 hours.

Jan. 8, 2018: This morning I woke up at 11:25 PM. It is 5:30 AM. I have been awake for 19 hours. I have not eaten any food.

Jan. 8, 2013: It is 5:39 AM. I have been awake for 16.5 hours. I am still in bed. I have yet to eat.

Jan. 12, 2012: This morning, I got up at 7:11 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours.

Jan. 12, 2007: This morning, I got up at 9:31 AM, and I have been awake for 18 hours. I have not eaten.

Jan. 12, 2001: It is 10:16 AM. I have been awake for 17 hours.

Jan. 12, 1992: It is 11:22 AM. I have been awake for 17 hours.

Jan. 10, 1991: I get up at 5:24 AM. I have been awake for 16.5 hours.

Jan. 6, 1991: I get up at 4:39 AM. I have been awake for 16 hours. I have not eaten yet.

Jan. 6, 1990: I get up at 3:33 AM. I have been awake for 16 hours. I have not eaten yet.

Jan. 6, 1969: It is 4:23 PM. I get up at 2:15 PM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have not eaten yet.

Jan. 6, 1963: It is 8:07 PM. I am about to go to bed, and I have been awake for just over 18 hours. I have not eaten yet.

Jan. 9, 1963: I get up at 3:35 AM. I have been awake for 17 hours. I have not eaten.

Jan. 10, 1963: I get up at 3:56 PM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have not eaten.

Jan. 4, 1962: I get up at 6:38 AM. I have been awake for 17.5 hours. I have not eaten.

Jan. 3, 1960: I get up at 1:15 PM. I am at my desk, and I have been awake for 16 hours. I have not eaten yet.

Jan. 1, 1960: I get up at 8:13 AM. I have been awake for 17.5 hours. I have not yet eaten anything.

Jan. 1, 1957: I get up at 10:14 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have yet to eat.

Jan. 12, 1956: I get up at 9:23 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have not eaten anything yet.

Jan. 12, 1953: I get up at 9:36 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have not had anything to eat.

Jan. 5, 1952: I get up at 9:49 AM. I have been awake for 17.5 hours. I have eaten nothing.

Jan. 2, 1952: I get up at 6:51 PM. I have been awake for 17 hours. I have eaten nothing.

Jan. 1, 1951: I get up at 8:38 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours. I have yet to eat anything.

Jan. 9, 1951: I get up at 9:42 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours.

Jan. 7, 1950: I get up at 5:33 PM. I have been awake for 18 hours.

Jan. 8, 1950: I get up at 7:44 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours.

Jan. 5, 1949: I get up at 7:57 AM. I have been awake for 18 hours.

Jan. 4, 1949: I get up at 9:08 AM. I have been awake for 19 hours.

Jan. 3, 1948: I get up at 9:19 AM. I have been awake for 18.5 hours. I have not eaten anything yet.

Jan. 2, 1948: I get up at 9:32 AM. I have been awake for 17 hours.

Jan. 1, 1948: I get up at 9:33 AM. I have been awake for 18.5 hours. I have eaten nothing yet.

[end log]

(I was going to write a post about this chapter when I was going to post it, but since that chapter is in that part of Floornight that I think about a lot less than the others, and I don't want to lose track of what I'm talking about, I'm just going to post this and link it here rather than trying to write a whole new post.)

I have a few notes about this:

more It feels like there has been a lot of work done on REM sleep recently, as a result of this phenomenon of dreamy memories. I haven't read much of this work, which I am now too tired to do. I have read that a common phenomenon where people who sleep with their lights on can remember dreams, which sounds sort of like my problem, though I guess only if my sleep light does something else.

But I don't know how to find out how to turn that on. In the last two years, I've learned the hard way that turning on the light is something that needs to be delayed, when I am actually falling asleep, and delayed, again when I'm waking up. I think if I knew how to turn on the light on command, it would not be an issue any more.

Also, I have no idea why I am falling asleep when

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pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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I had mixed feelings about today. I wanted to get more done. I sort of fell apart. I was frustrated. But it wasn't a completely terrible day. I just wish I slept better.

I was just uncomfy last night. And couldn't get comfortable. James said I was tossing and turning a lot. I was very restless.

I don't remember leaving for work. But I woke up at 9 and felt down. I didn't get out of bed until almost 10. I just felt like. What's the point. I just wasn't in a good head space.

I got out of bed eventually though and got dressed. I felt a little better. My hair is being very weird. It's like almost all my curls fell out. Like I know that half of my hair is natural from my head now but I'm surprised that it seems it happened over night. I am not sure what to do about my hair right now.

I did not eat well or take care of myself well today. I had a donut for breakfast. And I went to start working on my examples for my workshop this weekend. I was not getting the images I wanted in the clay but I was having fun making tyedye beads and I think the kids will like it too.

I made some beads and I read you should put them on pins to keep the holes from deforming. So I did that and put them in the oven. And I decided that I would work on cleaning the fridge while I waited. This time it was the outside of the fridge. I took all the magnets and pictures off the fridge and cleaned the whole thing. One magnet got stuck and disintegrated which was very frustrating. But it was fun organizing it.

I was having trouble with the oven and it wouldn't heat up so my pieces weren't baking. So I was getting more and more frustrated. I stopped to have a soda and a snack and messed up making the soda on the SodaStream. I put the flavor in before I put the carbonation in. And I wasn't thinking and tried to put the carbonation in and it exploded. Went everywhere. It was horrible. It was everywhere. I had to laugh. But man. That was fun to clean up.

Once I was done cleaning that I finished putting the magnets on the fridge. Kept trying to bake my pieces but it wasn't working. I just put a timer on and laid on the couch.

After it still didn't work after a half hour of trying. I turned off the oven (that wasn't even hot) and went and laid down.

At 2 I got up and decided to shake it off. I finally got the oven to turn on. I did my knitting for the day. I changed my phone a bit. And once the beads were out of the oven I put my shoes on and went for a walk.

This wasn't as long of a walk. Like a half hour. The weather was weird today. It was a brisk but nice. I had my jacket and boots on but I also had bare legs. I am sure I looked funny.

I had a fun little drink. And a podcast. And I went a different way this time. Not so hilly. But once my thighs started to hurt I went home.

When I got back here I put some stuff away and got started on a square since I hadn't done any today.

James would get home soon. And I felt really happy. Well I actually felt a little low still but I was happy that they were back with me.

James would make us a new tortilla soup that was so good. They did a great job. And it made me feel a lot better.

I would keep working on squares. James had their podcast to record. I watched videos and poked around for the rest of the evening.

And now it's time to get a shower and get some sleep. I hope tonight is easier. I have a busy day at work tomorrow. And I am looking forward to it for the most part.

I hope you all have a good night. Take care of each other. Sleep well!!

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neowinestainedress · 27 days ago

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well hello rebs! it’s been a month since the concert and i’m finally here I’m sorry for disappearing but i got sick for two weeks (a little tmi that i shouldn’t be admitting on the internet but i couldn’t ask for a day off to go to the concert so i pretended to be sick and i got a doctor’s certificate for sick leave and i played the role so well that the doctor gave me 2 weeks 😭 and it was so great cause i went to santiago with my friend two days before the concert and we stayed for like 4 or 5 days in total so it was great, it was like a mini vacation i loved it!! but after i went back to my city my throat started to hurt and then i got sick for almost two weeks and then national independence holidays came which lasted for a week and then i had to go back to work and omg i had SO much shit to do and i think i’m finally adjusting 100% back again but it’s been kinda difficult cause my boss assigned me (and to the team actually) new tasks so i have even more work now….) but yeah now to my actual concert experience!!

- i gave freebies (i made 80? friendship bracelets but like with double strings and different designs 😭) so the night before me and my friend had to pack them + shower and do our skincare and etc… we ended up sleeping only (for less than) 2 hours

- at 17:00 we entered the actual venue and i got second row (i know it’s a really good position but i was hoping barricade again this time 😭☹️) but the girl in front of me smelled SO SO SO BAD. her armpits smell was so strong that at one point i was about to throw up and i even started questioning if i was the smelly one cause even when i turned around i could feel her smell super strong so that kinda ruined a little bit the concert for me and also she was super tall so she was also covering my vision at some points so yeah….

- and at 17:30 6dream came out and OMFGGGGG like haechan you will ALWAYS be MY man. he was the first one to come out and went directly to my side (thank god cause i’ve seen videos from other countries and at soundcheck he always stays at the other side) and not to be delusional but when he first came out i have a video of him looking at me hehehe

- sadly they spent almost the whole soundcheck at the extended stage so i didn’t see them up close that much but i remember 2 parts the most: them talking about chile and how much they enjoyed the food the wine and the andes mountain range(? and when jeno came to our side like he was literally in front of us and everyone was filming him but haechan was on the extended stage looking at our side and i was the only one recording/looking at him it was such a y/n moment 😭

- then the soundcheck ended so i went to the bathroom and when i came back the general ticket holders? arrived and omfggg they were so wild and it was such a different experience from tds2. everyone was pushing and super close so i kinda started panicking and i started screaming that they should move a little bit to the back to give us more space cause i swear i was standing on my tippy toes cause there wasn’t any space left to stand. i couldn’t sit at any moment so between that + the smelly girl + my feet hurting i wasn’t feeling so well tbh…

- but FINALLY at 9 pm the concert started and all my problems disappeared but also the heat omg it was sooo bad i felt like i was sweating so much but thank god no one pushed me or anything

- they sang sooo good especially chenle like his voice is incredible and i had so much fun i screamed and laughed and danced and i just love them so much 😭😭😭😭

- and okay about the interactions i don’t think i had that many this time but the ones i’m sure i had are 2: mark looked at me a lot of times (i have pictures/videos) AND i had a sign telling haechan i had a gift for him (the shinchan as michael jackson keychain i bought last year for him) and he said 👍 (that i could throw it to him) but i wasn’t sure back then if he said it to me cause i had my phone the sign and since he was in front of us everyone was moving and screaming but the girl beside me told me HE TOTALLY LOOKED AT YOU AND TOLD YOU YES TO THROW IT but i got scared i might hit him so i waited until they went to the extended stage but i threw it with too much strength so it went too far back so he didn’t see it later 😭 but at least i got the keychain back so tds4 i guess???

- after the concert my feet hurt SO SO FUCKING MUCH like each step i took was so painful worst pain from a concert ever (i think it was worse than the one from the eras tour) and i was so tired i just wanted to sleep but i was also super happy

- i reunited with 4 more friends after the concert so i was even more happy !!!

- days later i sent my videos to one friend who wasn’t close to the stage and she asked me what are you and mark cause he totally looked at you so much (his bias is mark also) so yeahhh feeling totally normal about it 😁☝🏼

- not related to the actual concert but my friend (the one i went to the concert with) had a friend (who lives in santiago) and the day before we were supposed to go eat with her and more friends but she was waiting for us at the subway and when we arrived she only greeted my friend and completely ignored me (we were meeting for the first time) and then left. and it was really annoying and awkward and we saw her at the concert too and she did the same but i didn’t even try to acknowledge her presence then cause she was fucking rude and manipulative with my friend i really hated her a total bitch

and now about the members….. to be honest, i actually don’t remember much 😭 but

- mark had little braids on his hair (which i HATE and sadly i’ve seen him twice with braids he hates me sm) but his face is more long and his cheekbones and smile❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍�� he went to my side a lot and we’re actually dating now 😁

- jeno is still super skinny but his arms?????? so pale and also super sweet. he interacted a lot with our side and was always smiling and doing kyuu and sending kisses to us

- haechan omfg that man…. i just need ONE chance with him…. his lips are so plump, he has round eyes and a little nose and his cheekbones are so high he seriously is so much prettier in person the camera doesn’t do him justice i’m in love with him. but also i want to add (i don’t remember if i said this last time) but to be honest, at tds2 i want to think he was tired but he was more dry? and not that playful or cheerful as i was used to seeing him. he was more serious and didn’t interact much with the public (he picked up my gift but still, his attitude was different) but this time he was like the haechan i always see in videos from other concerts. we have a chant that is “mijito rico” which basically translates to “sexy guy/girl” and we ALWAYS sing it to every artist so this time wasn’t the exception and we sang it twice i think? and he danced to it both times and you could totally see how happy he was unlike the last concert that he looked kinda annoyed?? (idk 😭) so i was really happy and relieved to see that he actually enjoyed this time cause his attitude last year kinda bummed me a little (you could ask about this topic to any chilean fan and they would say the same, he really behaved very different last year). and please don’t misunderstand, i don’t want to sound ungrateful because i enjoyed tds2 very much but i wanted to point that out cause when i noticed that i tried to convince myself that i was wrong and ignore it but after this year’s concert i’m sure he acted different this time

- jaemin is just the sweetest human ever i just remember looking at him and he was always smiling 🫂 and for example i was looking at my videos of broken melodies and rains in heaven and he had the BIGGEST smile ever my cutie pie ❤️‍🩹 but i also had him in front of me in poison so yeah much to think about. and before the encore we did a chilean chant (it goes c h i CHI l e LE CHI CHI CHI LE LE LE VIVA CHILE) and he liked it so when he did his last ment he did it and it was so cute and funny. also his upper body is super big (boobs and arms).

- chenle !! i think everyone became a chenle stan. something in him shifted and he is so fine i mean he always has been but he has a different aura now. his voice is really good and stable and he is such a cat. he was the member who spent more time at my side i think and we made eye contact too cause he read my haechan sign hahah he smiled and interacted a lot (my friend is chenle biased)

- jisung, i will eat him. HE’S SO $-&;$2!2& soooo hot and so shy i want him. he didn’t go much to my side but he was always shy laughing and being super cute ❤️‍🩹 and he ofc dances well but he doesn’t look much taller than the other members tbh

and i think that’s basically all so to end things i came to three conclusions:

it was such a fun show and i really am the happiest at concerts but it couldn’t top tds2 for me at least. the tds2 will always be their best tour (at the moment) for 4 main reasons: we had 7dream, the setlist was their best so far cause they sang the best song in the world aka to my first (no one gets that song like ME), it was the first dream (solo) concert in chile and also the first time of haechan and 7dream here (😭😭😭😭), and i got first row but i also got noticed by haechan ❤️‍🩹

the haechan tunnel vision is craaaaazy i swear i tried to also focus on other members but i failed i couldn’t stop looking at him he’s really super captivating and i’m just a girl. the way he dances and moves through the stage he seriously is an amazing performer and singer. i’d do crazy things for him.

i LOVE my sweet dreamies i’d die for them

so yeaahh, that was my tds3 experience… i wanted to buy merch but i couldn’t so i’ll try to send my cousin to buy me merch in copenhague

now tell me how you been rebs 🩷 and please ignore any mistakes i’m as always writing this at 2 am

have an amazing week<3

- 💌

Hiii! I’m sorry if it took me so long to reply but I’ve been busy and I didn’t want to rush the reply. This was karma telling you to never pull this move again ajsojlks I can’t even say “well at least you didn’t work for almost a month” because you came back to do even more 😭 But hey you had a great time at least!

omg that’s so cute!!! I miss making friendship bracelets, I wanted to make some for a concert I was supposed to see but thank god I didn’t have time because the whole tour got cancelled so I would’ve wasted beads and time lmao (I still have so many beads for taylor, I hope that for the next tour we will keep doing this because I don’t know what to do with them lmao)

- since we had soundcheck we arrived at like 8:45 am? but it was actually kinda late so we got number 567 or smt like that….. and they let us enter the park (where the venue is) at 14:30 and i was already so tired and hungry - at 17:00 we entered the actual venue and i got second row (i know it’s a really good position but i was hoping barricade again this time 😭☹️) but the girl in front of me smelled SO SO SO BAD. her armpits smell was so strong that at one point i was about to throw up and i even started questioning if i was the smelly one cause even when i turned around i could feel her smell super strong so that kinda ruined a little bit the concert for me and also she was super tall so she was also covering my vision at some points so yeah….

okay but second row is such a good position especially since you didn’t arrive super early. I feel you, for taylor I had to be there at 12:00 (before to get in line, but they opened at 14:00 when the concert started at 21 I wanted to die, I literally only survived because I started talking with two girls in line and then we became a small group). Noooo that’s one of my biggest nightmares, not you starting to question if it was you aodoss but lmao that’s what I fear the most in crowded spaces, it doesn’t matter how clean I am I always start thinking that the water didn’t do anything and the perfume just vanished and I smell like shit (also let’s be honest, it’s not so easy to know where the smell comes from so even if it’s not me I’m always afraid people might think it’s me 😭) tall people should be banned from the standing sessions I said what I said!!!

not you studying where they go lmao but could you choose or were you on that side because of the tickets you had?

how does the soundcheck work? Did they try all the songs? Or was it mostly talking? I’m sorry if it’s stupid but I don’t know anything about this tour because I was/am so mad I couldn’t go I didn’t watch anything lmao. NOT YOU AND HAECHAN LOST IN YOUR OWN WORLD I LOVE YOUUUU

the only thing I will ever be jealous of the usa is the sitting floor because standing floor is HELL I don’t care I’m used to it, it’s just hell every time and people have no boundaries. When I saw taylor I sat almost all day but then people started getting up before paramore and if you sat down you felt like suffocating (it was summer, in milan where it’s humid af, the sun hit the stage until the speak now set lmaooo I was frying) like there are already two hours to wait WHY ARE YOU STANDING??? the same thing happened with 127, one person RIPPED the signed ball from my hand I was shocked, like… is it really that serious?

- they sang sooo good especially chenle like his voice is incredible and i had so much fun i screamed and laughed and danced and i just love them so much 😭😭😭😭 - and okay about the interactions i don’t think i had that many this time but the ones i’m sure i had are 2: mark looked at me a lot of times (i have pictures/videos) AND i had a sign telling haechan i had a gift for him (the shinchan as michael jackson keychain i bought last year for him) and he said 👍 (that i could throw it to him) but i wasn’t sure back then if he said it to me cause i had my phone the sign and since he was in front of us everyone was moving and screaming but the girl beside me told me HE TOTALLY LOOKED AT YOU AND TOLD YOU YES TO THROW IT but i got scared i might hit him so i waited until they went to the extended stage but i threw it with too much strength so it went too far back so he didn’t see it later 😭 but at least i got the keychain back so tds4 i guess???

GIRL OMG AHSOOSO HOW ARE YOU ALIVE???? WAIT HOW DID YOU GET IT BACK OMG??? I fear this keychain doesn’t want to leave you

I can imagine if you didn’t sit for hours straight omg 😭😭 (we talked about the eras tour, right? Didn’t we both get out of the woods as a surprise song or am I making it up? 😭😭)

- i reunited with 4 more friends after the concert so i was even more happy !!!

meeting with friends after or before concert is the best part, having someone who understands to talk about what happened is the best way to actually realize it was all real

I didn’t see the videos but I agree with your friend (let's hope haechan doesn't mind you cheating on him)

omg? And your friend didn’t say or do anything? I don’t understand people sometime because one thing was if she tried to get to know you and releazied she didn’t like you, but she didn’t even try??? Dind’t even say hello??? Rude as fuck for no reason at all??? Maybe she was jealous of you and your friend?

and now about the members….. to be honest, i actually don’t remember much 😭 but - mark (...)

WDYM YOU HATE THE BRAIDS??? I LOVE THEM ON HIM

- jeno (...)

he’s baby

- haechan (..)

the difference in the length between him and the others is SENDING ME LMAO you don’t even try to hide it (as you should) the way EVERYONE say he’s even prettier irl kills me omg how can it be possible. “mijito rico” in chile 🤝🏽 “sei bellissima/o” in italy. maybe he was more tired back then? Tbh idk because I even if I surely saw videos of tds2 I don’t remember anything lmao but if all you felt it I’m sure it was like this

- jaemin (...)

how did you survive omg. That’s so cute omg NOT THE BOOBS AND ARMS LMAO

- chenle (...)

from the videos I have the feeling he has an amazing stage presence and it’s super underrated tbh but I wouldn’t know.

- jisung (...)

babyyyy ☹

and i think that’s basically all so to end things i came to three conclusions:

i LOVE my sweet dreamies i’d die for them

I’m so happy it was a great experience and you had fun!!! let's hope next time they will come back as 7 once again

so yeaahh, that was my tds3 experience… i wanted to buy merch but i couldn’t so i’ll try to send my cousin to buy me merch in copenhague

what merch will you get?

now tell me how you been rebs 🩷 and please ignore any mistakes i’m as always writing this at 2 am

I have nothing to say really lmao. I’ve been busy because I took photos for an exhibition I will have in November and I’m super happy with how they came out. I was supposed to see one of my favorite singers yesterday but then she postponed the concert to November and then yesterday she cancelled the whole tour so I’m a bit sad about it cause I have been looking forward to it since February. And also since I was already seeing her I decided not to see another singer I like but I couldn’t even get tickets last minute for him because the last cities left were in these days and not close to where I live so I wouldn’t have time to organize a trip rip.

Once again I’m sorry if it took me so long, have a great weekend!!! Love you!!!

#anon answered #💌 anon

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jodilin65 · 33 years ago

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THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1991 God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00 and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping 4 hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose rather than coughing and wheezing.

Andy came over saying he thinks he may be catching a cold and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine cuz you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also go see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight sounding sincere again saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been bad in here cuz it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitter cold out, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that I, and the other tenants, wouldn’t complain for no reason and hopefully it sank in this time and he’ll give up on his spite tricks. But as long as he’s gonna push the eviction, I’m gonna push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 1991 Andy better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

Later…

I was interrupted before cuz the phone rang and two seconds before Andy’s show came on he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway cuz of the Gulf War update. He was pissed and I don’t blame him cuz that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for 6 hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

Later…

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious and desperate or the geeky shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worse came to worse she could check out apartments for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1991 Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t play with my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am. Today I woke up at 6am. Nice, huh? Now wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept 4 hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette though and I’m gonna do the 2-3 a day thing rather than 5-6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me 5 bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1991 Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call legal aid.

Later…

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked and she gave me a denim mini-skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number cuz I tried 4 times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

Later…

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” like she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat cuz I’ve been up since 2am, so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wake me up.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1991 Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me that I didn’t even know that knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa who gave me her number if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either, she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw 3 other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other 2 were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice long dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

Later…

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said sure and sounded very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors such as not having me pay last month’s rent and got me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitter cold outside and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop up and see me sometime before noon. I’ve no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 1991 Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I did mention her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub and I eyed this girl, she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole I’ll think about it.”

She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part. Especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays with even the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life. Sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there even if it’s only 5 a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

Later…

I went through all my journals and I’ve kept journals for 3 years and 3 months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the 3 years and 3 months’ time. On the cover of each book I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lay down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

Later…

The housing people are coming on Monday and I called Mom who was being her usual bitchy self and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related as well as to raise the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse saying I was Jenny and it didn’t work but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 1991 When I finally fell asleep I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes I know I’m already what most people would call mega-independent for a girl my age especially. All except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing and someday I will but for now, I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30-32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30-32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me and boy have I now had 5 lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

Later…

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him and Dad referred me to Legal Aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to me or Tammy and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason while he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood so I can move out. I was in the ER at the time so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try and get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what that Wendy at Legal Aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself. Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble they start trouble but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th! HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

Later…

Me and Andy are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in 5 days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me 2 ciggies so now that’ll make 7. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

Later…

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor Debbie accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her 2-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified and I assured her no threats were made. Fran got her all worked up and it’s obviously a rejection issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother along with other stuff and now this, that’s the final straw and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1991 I have therapy today yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night and once again things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday I’ve been having 2-3 cigarettes a day and it’s catching up to me so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back and I’m waking up coughing again.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 1991 Yesterday my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday I had about 4 cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer and I’m not tight in the chest and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

Later…

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1pm cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00 when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30-2:30 AM. It was quite convenient as I’m a night person and knowing no one would be using the machines.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1991 Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often and Andy’s been supportive but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s ok to feel a little jealous of someone now and then but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit before for 10 days two different times. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be here in less than 12 hours!

Later…

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not having something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 1991 If I’m such a cruel nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too much good, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood. Or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradicting, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something in which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act or feel.

Later…

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is, that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3” thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

Later…

Tomorrow Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1am tonight, it’ll be 5 days, going on 6, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief and 5 days is fantastic seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over 2 days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I smoked still. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for 4 days out of a year rather than 300 days out of a year.

Later…

Jesus, I’ve been up for 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from finds out he doesn’t do chores and he breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 1991 Well, in an hour I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things I’ve predicted how, why and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking I predicted 3 or 4 years before it happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

Later…

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend. Not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old need to lie? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people who I have much less in common with but could live with them so much easier. However, I never will live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

Later…

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes he has a lot of good qualities, and yes we have a lot in common, but God he can be an asshole!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 1991 While I’m waiting for Martha I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5am and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9am. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?”

It was 1:15 PM and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.”

I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm and he said it didn’t work so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news and yes, believe it or not, there is good news. Very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

Later…

I let it all out in therapy today. About how despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who only will hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over crying on Brenda and Bonny’s shoulder now as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 1991 Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me and I’m still under mega-stress. Way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless. Like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing or I’m wheezing or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 1991 It started to snow a few hours ago so I was off by one day but that’s still close.

Right now I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip sync contest and never won. She was a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good for taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck and I knew it so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positive or negative about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve, you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later since all I have to talk to is this book unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 1991 Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance when I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met 3 times so far and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for me to teach her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

Later…

From now on I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer my own self up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1991 I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1991 Age 25

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made a big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10 directly below me. He’s getting evicted which sucks. He turned out to be an ok neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping me and Andy on our heads and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hasn’t eaten in years. He’s not ever again coming over here.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight and we shoved each other. Much later when we were calm we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate and I explained to him that it’s gonna take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long and I do prefer it that way. 3 years or so ago I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night, just one night, with a woman I’m attracted to and I feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just ok. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best, rather than to settle for second best. Another reason that’s better about fantasy is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

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coreytravelogue · 8 months ago

Text

Victoria, BC - Apr 1, 2024

4 days have come and 4 days have gone and now I am on my way back to Vancouver hoping that the past few days of escape and battery charging will be enough for me to get through this next little while which will only be more stress inducing for me for sure.

I arrived at Ocean Island Inn at around 9pm as I expected but I hadn’t ate in 9 hours so I went to a place I hadn’t been to since the first time I visited Victoria, Brickyard Pizza. It was expensive but you have to expect that with things. I ate some food, had my free beer at the Inn and slept in the same bed I tend to always have when I am there.

I should try to have a meal before sleep more often because Thursday night along with Saturday gave me some of the best sleep I have had this year and for the last long while.

Friday morning I started it how I always start my mornings; breakfast at John’s Place. I normally stick to French Toast or Eggs Benny and I still did this long weekend but added some variant. John’s Place tends to push gently push the specials on me because they know I how typical I am so this time I tried to accommodate but they made it real easy for me given that their specials were variants of French Toast and Eggs Benny. Friday morning I had a cranberry orange toast version. Very sweet but of course very good and the coffee I just adore.

Followed my big breakfast with walking around the downtown area checking out the movie shop, records shops and second hand shops. During my walk I started to notice something different about my favourite city that was different from how it was in November. The amount of cop cars patrolling the city seemed weird but as the day and weekend progressed I started to understand more and more. The homeless and poor element had also gotten worse in the last few months. There was always an element of this but not like this, it felt like almost anywhere you would turn poor people were there asking for change or a lighter sleeping in tents or cardboard boxes.

I was hoping to spend the day with my friend and her family but her boy was very sick so it wasn’t to be. So instead I spent the evening like I tend to do when all is done, go to The Drake and enjoy the awesome food and a certainly did. The night was then capped off by watching the new Ghostbuster movie which was greatly disappointing.

Sleep Friday and Saturday night was less pleasant, my nose problems have been flaring up a lot lately and those nights especially as I spent much of the night tossing and turning trying to get the septum in my nose level so I could breathe equally clear from both sides of my nose. After my regular eggs Benny I set out to do some light shopping but also go to see another movie but at a theatre I had not been to before, Capital 6.

The moment I set foot in that theatre I instantly fell in love with it. The biggest reason I never went in was that I always vaguely assumed that it was a Landmark Theatre because it seemed too big to be a local but I was wrong, it was all local. I watched Love Lies Bleeding and thoroughly enjoyed it. The most heart breaking part of it all is I found out later that day that this wonderful local theatre I just fell in love with was going to be closing down in the new year to make way for another condo that no one will be able to afford. It angered me, reminding me of The Fort Theatre back in my home town and was torn down simply to be a fucking dirt parking lot.

None the less I capped my night at the Drake, got lots of writing done and tried to sleep.

Sunday wound up being a bit of a day. I woke up, showered and nothing seemed out of place. Till I started going downstairs to the lobby. I noticed police tape was being wrapped around the hostel. As I got to the stairs to the lobby a policeman was there to inform me that the lobby was blocked off and I had to use the back door.once I got to the back door I realized something was definitely wrong I just didn’t know what. I wish I brought my friend’s pie with me because the police woman told me they are shutting down the hostel for the next 8 hours or so.

So for the next 8 hours I wandered around downtown Victoria after having a Turkey eggs Benny and eventually went to the craft beer market to have some hefes and focus on my writing. Much of that morning I was in a deep loneliness driven depression and no way to really let go of it when Heaven’s Galaxy by Kid Cudi suddenly sparked an idea of a novel for me. I desperately went to the craft beer market and spent the next 4 hours writing 10 pages and 2 chapters of this sci fi sort inspired by Kid and using my loneliness.

While I did not accomplish finishing a script or anything significant I did do some serious writing this weekend, more than I have in many years.

After 4 I was able to grab my friend’s pie and family’s presents and deliver it to her. Me and my friend spent a couple minutes chatting outside her apartment but I could not come in. Her son had a viral infection and she did not want to get me infected. After the exchange like with every other night I went to the Drake for a bite and a drink then back to the hostel which felt eerily quiet and subdued. Whatever that may have happened must have been really bad. In between sleeping I could hear cops exchanging words and patrolling around. It felt weird to be there, almost like I shouldn’t have been but I had nowhere else to go. Too many people have that problem than me and more severe so I have no right to complain but it was just an odd night.

And so here we are Monday morning, I had my traditional French Toast, checked out of the hotel and I am on the bus heading to the terminal. I want to try and get back home early in case I need to do any food prep but also give myself plenty of time to go to bed early.

Cannot stress enough how much I am not looking forward to the next couple of days and weeks. It’s all work related and will keep to myself but the only reassurance I can get from this month as all the shit should end by the end of it and a cousin is visiting. If my work drama does not end by the end of this month I don’t know if I can stay there much longer with the amount of disrespect I feel I have been shown through the the past 10 months and counting.

This trip was worth it in the end, I needed a few days of just rest, food and no pressure of anything. Outside of the hostel incident it was a calm and soothing trip. I wish it could have been spent being around those I cared about more but it can’t be helped.

I will be back in Victoria next month but only for a very short trip to see a concert. I may come back in July as well but I can’t say for certain. I can’t make any plans unless I know where I sit in my work situation.

Pretty sure I set myself back budget wise this long weekend but all things considered I did ok. I treated myself to good food, relaxation and peace which is what I needed and could do with more of but this is going to have to keep for me for the next while. I really do hope I can cap my 30s with a big trip but there is still way too much uncertainty in my life right now but looking at the sad state of Victoria it is a sorry un certain and rocky environment in Canada in general. Can’t say I am confident things will get better before it gets much more. All we can do is move forward.

Shazbot nanu nanu

#Spotify

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helly-watermelonsmellinfellon · 1 year ago

Text

So... after on and off for months, and the numerous problems cropping up over and over again at this place, mom finally got that familiar feeling.

It started at the 'fire/gas leak' we were evacuated for and has gotten worse since then. She said we overstayed our welcome and that every problem we've had from the staff in the days following, was a sign that they don't want us here anymore.

This has happened before. See...

Whoever is doing the work for the motel has apparently screwed up and is insisting that Dave hasn't paid the bill and that he owes money. Mind you, he worked out a deal to pay every afternoon between 5-6, cuz we can't guarantee that we'd have money before 11 AM to pay for the day. So, he goes to work with that guy he knows, gets $70-$80, and then uses it to pay for the room. That's how it's been going.

Every other week, mom accumulates enough points to pay for 1 night that way so he can take a break on a random Sunday. The points haven't been coming in, in the past 2 weeks when there should be enough by now, and it's because someone up there has been holding off on giving points cuz they claim Dave is behind on a payment(but waited weeks to tell him?). Mom has all confirmation emails though, and forced him to get a receipt every day he pays, which she has all records of.

Mom thinks, like every other time, that we've overstayed our welcome and the staff are trying to get rid of us by all these problems accumulating so quickly over the past couple weeks. This has happened at every other place we've managed to stay at since becoming homeless, so she isn't overreacting or anything. Eventually, they get tired of our presence and of not getting full-price on the rooms and start making up problems and rules we've broken.

Like the last place. The moment the state assistance vanished, we had to begin paying weekly for the single room for all 4 of us. Suddenly, one day, they couldn't let us stay anymore. Suddenly it wasn't allowed for people to stay more than a week at a time, and it had to be 30 days before they could come back and stay another week, but Dave's apparently kept in contact with someone who was staying there the same time and as us and… they weren't kicked out or told anything like that. They are still there and still making weekly payments. It's been 9 months since then.

Randomly this morning, the staff told Dave that every single room is booked all throughout the holiday weekend, so everyone has to be out before 11 AM on Friday. After telling him they'd keep this room and many others reserved(cuz there are several families staying here long-term cuz we're all homeless) for people. Guess what? The rest of them have been here as long as us and they weren't told they have to leave. And they don't have any reservations either soooo...

Bethy is with us again and she's been going stir crazy and she's now calling people she knows who work in hotels around Delaware, trying to get help.

Anyway, it's the weekend closest to the 4th of July and everything everywhere is not only booked but hella expensive af. Bethy never had to sleep in the van with us before, and mom's disabilities cannot physically handle the moving back and forth or sitting in the same place for more than a few hours at a time.

We don't even have money for food. We are subsisting on expired/rotten food gotten from the local food bank.

Yet Dave is over here thinking everything is perfectly okay and he just has to talk to the staff again... They told him they already have the room we're in reserved for a group this weekend and that we can't stay.

I fell asleep last night and the random thought struck me... I wonder how long we'll actually be able to stay here... and I wake up to this news.

Dave just doesn't get how finances work. Because he's so unhelpful and doesn't fucking listen when people speak, he's whining about how after getting paid, mom has nothing left for the month.

"But we don't have to spend $230 on the storage unit anymore!"

"That went into other bills, Dave!"

He thinks that cuz we don't have that one issue holding us down, we're going to be able to handle everything else easily and have money left over for whatever he wants.

Because mom has had to pay one bill and let another slide as a result every month. It's how she's hand to handle our financial problems this entire time.

Mom finally paid off the bank after Dave bounced her account several times last year. She's been paying $100+ a month for ages to get that handled. That should make things a little easier now.

The car insurance has increased by several dozen dollars so it's over $150 a month now.

Her phone and Bethy's phone have to be kept on because of her schooling and we need a functioning phone number or else we'll be in big trouble in many ways. $100+ just for 2 phones. Dave is in charge of his own damn phone.

She has to handle her Discover and Capital One cards since she's had to use them to save our asses a few times. She NEEDS to pay the off so he credit score doesn't tank, and many places won't give you a chance if your credit is low. She's got monthly payments for those around $100+ in total.

The P.O. Box price has increased(we have that handled for the next 3 months thankfully). Almost $50 now.

Dish Network has been on pause or 19 months cuz she can't cancel it before the full year she paid is used up or the fee is astronomical.

Then we have gas for a minivan, that Dave should be paying for, but isn't. A mostly full tank is around $80 every 4-5 days. Gas is average rn. So over $400 monthly in gas.

We need the part for the van which is $800+.

She has to pay for her medication cuz we have shit medical. She's already going without many of them but some health problems, like Asthma, can't be ignored so the inhalers are prioritized.

Amazon Prime and Norton are necessary since free shipping for all necessities, and she needs the protection since she does most business on her laptop.

Bethy needs school supplies regularly. Sometimes clothes and always hygiene stuff.

We need hygiene stuff.

But Dave just thinks that she should have all this extra money left over at the end of paying everything off. Many of these things come out instantly on the 1st of each month btw. She has to the work through what is left for the bills that aren't instantly paid off.

He thinks if he works with his friend for 3 weeks, he'll have enough money for an apartment, completely ignoring that He'd only have about $1800 for a full month of work with no breaks. The cheapest 2-bedroom in Delaware requires almost all of that, which is why we're waiting on housing which charges based on your monthly income. Even if he handled the monthly rent of $1400-$1600 for a 2-bedroom, mom still has all this stuff to worry about... and the Dish payments would start up again, and gas, water, electric, sewage, etc...

Dave doesn't listen. In public housing, those things are included. Outside it, they are separate expenses.

[Ko-Fi] [GoFundMe] [Venmo] CashApp: $Flame818 [Amazon Wishlist]

#homelessness #poverty #i'm tired

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hogwartsfirebolt · 3 years ago

Text

Desvelo (or: The Case of Subject A1534: Harry James Potter)

Draco turned on the recorder as soon as he walked into the lab. Two of his colleagues stood by the main table, fastening the unconscious subject’s limbs, and a third one handed him his notes, which he took without looking up as he unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves.

There was a hum of magic around the body, keeping it safe, keeping it still. He forced himself not to think too hard about who it belonged to.

“What’s the status?” he asked the room at large, approaching the table.

“Alive, under a magically induced coma to prevent strain to the core. We haven’t identified the curse,” replied Zeller, holding her hands over the subject’s head to hold the charm. Draco nodded at her, turned his face towards the recorder and spoke clearly.

“This is Draco Malfoy, code DM17008512, head of the Dark Arts BioStudies division, reporting from Level 9, on the 25th of June, 2008.” He walked around the exam table, lowered Zeller’s charms and replaced them with his own, finding the subject’s vitals with his magical awareness. “Subject A1534, Harry James Potter, is alive, kept under a magical coma. Slight bradycardia, as expected, blood pressure of 110/60, core unstable at 250 joules and climbing by the second.”

The manic energy of Harry’s magic zinged his forearms, crazed, looking for an outlet. Draco felt it around his fingers, underneath his nails. He clenched his teeth.

“This is Rose Zeller,” she picked up as he fell silent, “code RZ19003276, member of the Dark Arts BioStudies division, reporting from Level 9 on the 25th of June, 2008. Subject Harry James Potter arrived unconscious in the emergency department of St Mungo’s Hospital in the early hours of the 24th of June, 2008, and was referred to the Dark Arts Biostudies division that very morning, after the medics failed to identify the curse responsible for his condition.”

Draco knew all that, and yet it made his hackles rise once again to remember what the medics had said, the call he’d received the previous day, informing him of his new subject. He looked at Harry’s prone form now, the easy rise and fall of his chest as the coma imitated sleep, the peaceful drop of his eyelids, and had to will himself not to think as he ran his hands down the tan neck, the long clavicles. This was just a subject, he told himself. Nothing was different. He cleared his throat, “Curse entry identified over second rib, at midclavicular line on the right side. Trifocal, seeming to suggest a curse of the Imperial family. No exit mark apparent upon inspection.”

He took his hands off the body, clasping them together so he could pretend they weren’t shaking, and retracted his magic, pulling it free of the magnet of Harry’s. It was quiet, only the static hum of the spells keeping Harry unconscious broke the silence of the insular room. His soft breaths. The occasional brush of Zeller’s pen against paper. Draco tried not to stare, and couldn’t. There was so much brown naked skin on display, so much history, that no matter how hard he attempted to root himself to the present, he found himself falling into memories of that body, of those hands, of years of watching. Years of wanting.

“No exit mark apparent upon inspection,” he repeated. Made up his mind. “Impossible to reach further conclusions until the subject is woken up. Zeller, Nott, rennervate him. I shall stabilize his core.”

It was a testament to how far he’d come that neither of them thought to argue. They moved, one of them standing at each of Harry’s sides, and Draco stayed near his head, reaching towards his core with his magic, coaxing it into stillness, easing it from the entropy the curse had unleashed.

“Rennervate,” Zeller and Nott whispered in unison.

Harry’s core cells shook against Draco’s hold, fought the intrusion for a moment, but he held on, and soon enough Harry’s eyes popped open, frantic, his body immediately battling the restraints, thrashing, attempting to free his arms and legs, to flee. But still Draco held on, and at last, when Harry looked up and their eyes met, he stopped struggling, as sudden as a bucket of water dousing a fire.

“Potter,” Draco muttered through clenched teeth, as he reined in Harry’s core cells. “You need to tell us what they hit you with.”

He felt Zeller’s magic join his own, take some of the brunt of Harry’s magic, lift a bit of weight off his shoulders. His breaths came more easily.

“W-what?” Harry asked, still confused, still looking at Draco, only at Draco.

“You’re in the Department of Mysteries,” Draco said, “you were attacked. Do you remember what they hit you with?”

“I don’t— what? Department of— Do I know you?”

“Boss, his core is nearing 300 joules,” Nott said. “We need to put him down again.”

But Draco barely heard him. “You don’t remember me?”

Harry blinked, confused, tried to stand up, shook his wrists against his restraints when he found he couldn’t. “No. I was hit?”

“Yes, with a curse. Did you have the chance to hear what it was?” Zeller asked when Draco, stunned into silence, didn’t continue the interrogation.

“A curse? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Harry said. “Did you kidnap me? I — what’s happening?”

“Boss, core at 325”

“You’re the boss?” Harry asked Draco, looking right into his eyes once again. “I thought… you feel familiar but I don’t really—?”

“Boss, 350.”

“Mr Potter,” Rose said, “We really need you to...”

“Potter?” Harry asked.

Draco felt faint.

“360”

“Am I—?” Harry didn’t look away from Draco, his eyes pleading.

“380”

“Put him down,” Draco said.

Nott did.

The silence that followed ringed in Draco’s ears. They were all quiet, stunned into it. Harry lay unconscious on the table once again. Draco could still hear his pained confusion.

“Subject appears to suffer from severe amnesia,” he said at last. “Recording over.”

They’d kissed once.

It could almost have been passed off as an accident, brief and light as it was.

To Draco, it counted.

It had been four years before, the night Harry graduated from the Auror Academy. Him and the other 24 graduates had piled up into a bar and made a big deal of it, gotten drunk out of their minds. Draco’s presence had been a mere coincidence, his getting drunk a very conscious decision once he’d seen the boisterous, red-coated lot.

His memories were confusing, the images blurring into each other as the night progressed in increasingly drunker increments, but he remembered stumbling into the bathroom and finding Harry there, broad shoulders free of his coat, with Ron weeping into his arm and saying, “I just love you so much, you’re my best friend I love you sooo—“ and Harry patting his shoulder and saying, “I know, I know, I love you too.” He remembered, somehow, ending up at their table. Doing shots with them. A confusing few minutes on the dance floor. He remembered standing outside the bar in the rain and then, right there, the kiss. He couldn’t remember what had led up to it, but the fact of it had sobered him up immediately, and he remembered it, crystal clear, himself leaning against the wall, wet from the rain, and Harry, a long line of heat along his side, their lips pressed together. He remembered pushing for more, and then Harry pulling back. Harry saying, “Oh god.”

Then, the night dissolved in his mind and the next thing he remembered was waking up the following morning, hungover.

He’d not seen Harry for weeks after that, and when they’d finally met again at an interdepartmental meeting, Harry had given him a mere nod, eyes sliding right past him. As if nothing had happened. Perhaps, to him, it hadn’t. But to Draco, it counted.

“What’s the plan now, boss?” Nott asked him, droplets of sweat high on his brow from maintaining the charm keeping Harry down.

Draco took a deep breath. “We got some information. Find all references to amnesia linked to a curse of the Imperial class on the records.”

“On it.” Zeller said.

Harry lay unconscious once again, incongruous in the calmness of his induced sleep. A tamed lion. Draco reached forward, removed his glasses, folded the temples carefully. Then, he ran his knuckles along the dark, freckled cheekbones.

“I’m going to talk to The Professor,” he said. His colleagues hummed their assent.

The Professor’s office stood right at the end of Level 9, a door you might not see if it didn’t feel like being seen, in a corridor that, at times, didn’t exist at all. Fitting for the head of the department of mysteries.

The door opened for him before he knocked, which told him he was expected. When he walked inside, Hermione Granger stood beside her desk, two books in her hands.

“Professor,” Draco said. “You heard the recording.”

“Yes,” she replied, fingers quick on the pages of one of the books she held. “I want nothing more than to go see him myself, but I have to meet the minister right now. I did find these, I hope they help,” she handed Draco the books, one of them open to a specific page. Her level, browned eyed gaze was harsh on him. “The only reason I’m not storming your lab is that I know you’re capable. Take care of him.”

“I will.”

She nodded. “Do whatever it takes to bring him back.” He would.

Back in his lab, Draco sat on top of his desk and paged through the books Hermione had given him. The first one, the one she had handed him open, was on mind magic.

The dissolution of memories following an attack with dark magic, the title read at the top of the page.

A clear marker of mind magic is its lightness. Schuester and Neels classify the magical particles that travel through neurons as a follow-up to their natural action potential into two large groups: permalight and everblue. The permalight particles possess an immutable quality that ensures their stability, whereas everblue particles, in charge of the pathways pertaining to memory, when disturbed by specific dark curses (especially those dealing with the proceedings of the magical center in the medulla oblongata) become overactive, releasing an increased amount of energy that forces the magical core into a state of overcompensation. Cases with magical cores that reach up to 500 joules have been documented, and the main consequence is a loss of the overactive everblue particles and the resultant dissolution of memories.

“Found it,” Draco said, marking the page down and putting the book aside before reaching for the second one. “Nott, give me a rundown of the state of his everblue particles.”

“Got it,” Nott replied. After a couple seconds, he added, surprised, “the everblue particles are… going haywire, just frantic, it’s hard to say. They’re definitely more active than they should be.”

“Attempt to stabilize, give me a second,” Draco opened the second book. It was a Mind Potions manual. He paged through it, looking, looking, until he found what he was looking for. “McKinney, get me a silver cauldron.”

“There’s an antidote?” Zeller asked.

Draco nodded. “It will take a few hours to brew, but if I’m right, he should be out of here by tomorrow morning.”

“Baseline?” McKinney asked.

“Memory potion. Get me one as well, I’ll modify as needed.”

In a second, they were all working again. Draco went to the supply closet and picked out the ingredients carefully, one finger over the page that held the instructions. If he did it right, Harry would be back the next day. That was all that mattered. That was all he cared about.

“You need help?” McKinney asked him when he took the cauldron from her. He didn’t, not really, but one look at Harry lying on the exam table and at the clock on the wall had him nodding.

He would bring him back, and he would do it as soon as possible.

“Yes. Chop the staghorn.” He got the fire going, crushed the neem leaves, squeezed the valerian root. Together, he and McKinney completed the ingredient list, and Draco added them to the cauldron one by one, paying attention to the scent of the fumes, the color of the smoke. Once he had a royal blue potion, he turned the fire down.

“It needs to simmer for two hours. After that, I’ll need your help to wake him up and make him drink it.”

Mckinney cringed. Draco nodded, sympathetic. He wasn’t keen on forcing Harry, either.

“Will he have his memories back, boss?”

“The important ones, right away. He should remember the rest in the next few days.”

“Everything he remembered before?”

Draco nodded. “If I did it right, yes.” He was looking at the clock, at the slow tick of the thin hand marking the seconds. “You should all go grab lunch, I will need you sharp. I can guard the subject.”

They all recognized it as the order it was and, after taking off their aprons and offering to bring him coffee once they returned, they left him alone. The room was eerily silent in their wake. Draco brought a stool next to the exam table and sat there, right beside Harry. His hand, wide and open, lay next to his body. Draco swallowed, brought his hand up and ran the tips of his fingers down Harry’s palm.

Would he remember, Draco wondered.

He supposed it didn’t really matter.

When he’d mentioned the graduation party, over a year after it happened, Harry had simply stared at him blankly.

“You were there?” And then, sheepish, “Oh, man, I was so drunk I don’t remember a single thing. I’m sorry, did I do something embarrassing? Do you have embarrassing stories about me?”

Draco laughed it off, relayed the story of a weepy Ron in the bathroom of the bar, and Harry laughed along.

They’d become friends by then, were already past the tentative first drinks, well into the stage of inside jokes, of shared meals. And now Draco knew that Harry didn’t remember.

For a while, he willed himself to forget. Once he realized it was impossible, he resigned himself to living with his one-sided crush. Harry’s friendship was already so much more than he could’ve ever hoped for, his hyper-distilled attention heady enough as it was. It was enough.

“Ready?” Draco asked, holding the vial between his fingers. Zeller, Nott and McKinney stood at Harry’s sides. He waited for their nod before giving the order, “Now.”

“Rennervate.”

Once again, Harry woke up fighting, struggling with his binds before even becoming fully conscious. This time, though, Draco was right there, a hand to Harry’s sweaty nape, the short hair at the back of his head.

“Hey, it’s okay. Harry, wake up.”

Harry did, his eyes overtaken by his pupils for a couple seconds before adjusting to the bright lights of the lab. He looked at Draco, right at him as he had before, just as confused. “What’s happening?”

“You lost your memories,” Draco whispered, disarmed by the absolute trust in Harry’s eyes. “We can help you, but you have to drink this. Will you?”

He showed him the vial. Harry eyed it, swallowed. “Yeah, okay.”

Draco breathed out, relieved. “Here, I’ll help you.” He tipped Harry’s head back, brought the vial close to his lips. “It tastes good, I promise. I made it specially for you.”

Harry nodded, didn’t look away from him for a second as he swallowed, and soon enough, the vial was empty.

The potion acted immediately. The monitors beeped as Harry’s pulse skyrocketed, his breath quickening, but his core began to regain stability, the number climbing down from 400. His hand shot forward, clung to Draco’s arm, and Draco let him, watched him ride the waves of memories.

At last, Harry’s eyes fell closed, a faint sheen of sweat covering his forehead. The monitors showed his core at 80 joules.

“What’s your name?” Draco asked softly, gently.

“Harry James Potter,” Harry whispered, eyes still closed. He brought a hand up, covered his eyelids.

“Do you know what they hit you with?”

“Desvelo”

Unveiling.

Draco nodded at Zeller. She nodded back, took off her apron and walked out of the lab, to investigate previous uses of the curse on their records. Draco turned back to Harry.

“Do you know who I am?”

Harry stayed still for a moment, then nodded, a slight jerk of his chin. He didn’t say anything.

“How are you feeling, Harry?”

“My head really hurts.”

Draco moved his sweaty hair away from his forehead, still gentle, still speaking low. “Do you want a painkiller?”

Harry nodded.

“Nott, bring me ibuprofen, 650 milligrams,” he didn’t turn to see if Nott had listened, instead ran his fingers through Harry’s hair once again. “Anything else?”

He saw Harry’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Yes. Back when— On the day of my graduation I—“

“Oh god, no,” Draco said quickly, hands stilling in Harry’s hair. “You don’t have to say anything. Please, just… you need to rest.”

“I do. But… we’ll talk about it later?”

Draco took a deep breath. “Yes. We’ll talk about it later.”

“Good.”

This is my gift to the amazing, lovely @onbeinganangel for the Wheel of Drarry Mini Exchange. Mari, you are the absolute loveliest and just, omg, give all of us on the server so much every single day, with your time and encouragement. It was a joy to get to write for you. I really hope you like it!! Infinite thanks to @moonstruckwytch for betaing this for me ❤️

#drarry #drarry fic #draco malfoy #harry potter #wheel of drarry mini exchange #mine #mywriting

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timextoxhajima · 3 years ago

Note

hi dana.. if it’s possible can i request some angsty wangsty based on niki la la lost you with eric🥺 and ughh i really love your writing like crazyyyyy

♥ title: la la lost you in april [also part of @sunlightwoo ‘s 12 Months I Loved You collaboration project]

♥ member: tbz eric

♥ genre: f2l, ex! eric x fem! reader, model! eric [SFW!]

♥ warnings: swearing, some mentions of sex [like, once i think]

♥ wc: 3.4k

♥ a/n: sis when i first heard the song I absolutely loved how you used 'angsty wangsty' so I hope this one does it for you the way you imagined it <3 [fyi i wrote it in like, a camcorder recording audio format which is something i’m trying out so please hmu on whether it’s difficult to read/understand!]

[REC: APRIL 2, 2019 - 6:39PM] SOLO LOG #1

Are you seeing this? This is the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen. I gotta get a shot of this-

Hey! Hey! I could help you take a picture with the sunset if you want to!

Oh! Would- Would you? That’d be great!

Of course!

...

Here. Is it alright?

Yeah, yeah, it’s cool! Thank you so much!

Are you recording something? Is it a- Are you vlogging? Are you a vlogger?

Yeah, no... I’m actually on a solo trip for a bit.

Oh, where are you from?

Just the next state.

Ah! You’re taking a break off... life then? I assume? Sorry if that came out weird.

No! No no! It’s alright! Yeah, I just needed a short break from... y’know, school and everything. My semester ended pretty early on so I took the chance to come out here and... see some new sights, meet some new people.

I get that. Well, for a start, what’s your name?

Oh, I’m y/n. Nice to meet you! And you?

I’m Eric.

[REC: APRIL 4, 2019 - 10:34PM] SOLO LOG #2

It is the 4th of April, 2019. I know, I know, I’m meant to do a daily vlog for all the 50 days I’m here but... it’s been... wow. Um... so I met Eric, the first day I touched down. The beach is just, about a 10 minute walk down and the sunsets are absolutely gorgeous. But uh... call me a fool and say that I’m living in the clouds but- what are the chances?

He’s funny, he’s such a great person to be around with y’know? Never a moment of like, awkwardness or stress and my God, look at me talking about a boy like that, though I met him 2 days ago.

...

Um, he’s a freelance model. For those freelance shoots by UNIQLO or Target or something and he complains about the pay sometimes, but he looks good infront of a camera, so he’s... actually the one who won at life, really.

I’m not seeing him soon because he’s got a shoot out of town and he’ll be back next week. But I did get his number and he’s been texting me since.

...

Wouldn’t it be funny if we end up together and then I have this whackass of a reel to show him? Jesus... I need to stop getting ahead of myself here. Freakin’ living in the clouds, aren’t I?

...

Anyway, I’m gonna go and see if I can get my weird projector shit up and working. See you.

[REC: APRIL 7, 2019 - 5:14AM] SOLO LOG #3

It is... 5am... uh, April 7th- and I was just binging FRIENDS through the night, waiting for the sunrise before I get some shut eye and then... Eric just asked me out. Oh my God! Um, he’s coming back this Thursday and I’ll go see him at the airport before we go get dinner.

It was really funny ‘cause he had to wake up early for a shoot today and so his day has just begun but mine’s coming to an end and I just- I’m rambling so much, it’s kinda- it’s kinda sad, isn’t it?

I think I’m too happy to sleep right now so I’m just gonna text him some more before the sun rises- oh! He replied!

...

Anyway, I’m gonna go and finish up this last episode before sleeping. Hopeful I can sleep. Bye!

[REC: APRIL 11, 2019 - 4:28PM] SOLO LOG #4

I am on my way out right now to go meet Eric at the airport, and I’m... it’d be an understatement to say that I’m excited. I know I’ve only known him for like, 2 days before he left but... I miss him. Is that possible? Missing someone despite knowing them for 2 days?

Anyway, I gotta go. Don’t wanna be late to see him.

[REC: APRIL 13, 2019 - 10:23AM] SOLO LOG #5

Oh! Is that what you had-

Yeah! It’s the same camera!

What are you vlogging for, actually? Like-

Nothing, really. It’s just for my own usage-

Wait, you didn’t like set that up last night while we-

Oh, God, no! Who do you think I am?

I don’t know, I mean, we’ve known each other for... is it two weeks-

Just under two weeks-

Jeez-

I know, I know, oh my God.

...

I don’t regret it though. Yeah, like- I don’t really go down to the beach that often in the first place and it just- it just so happened that you were there that day and I saw you struggling with this old thing-

I was not struggling!

Yeah you were!

I wasn’t-

I’m kidding! Gosh, you’re so cute.

...

Are you gonna have the camera recording while this carries on?

I forgot it was on-

One day we’re gonna accidentally make a sex tape-

Eric!

[REC: APRIL 17, 2019 - 1:15AM] SOLO LOG #6

-ould you pass me the hot water?

Mm? What?

The kettle over on the counter. Careful, it’s hot. Yeah, thanks.

Do you need help with-

It’s just instant noodles, sweet. Doubt I need a diploma for this. You’re recording again?

Yeah, does it bother you?

No, no, ‘course not. Though that means I can’t really do whatever I want to now.

What does that mea-

...

I can... still taste that bit of milk tea you had just now-

Could you tell it’s zero sugar?

I don’t think that matters, it’s still sweet and not great for your health to have that so much.

Aw, and yet you’re the one who suggested noodles at this timing, yeah?

You were hungry too!

...

Here, it’s done. Help me get the bowls?

Did you even wash these?

Yeah, I did. If you don’t trust me, you can run them under the water for a bit.

Mhm. Here.

If it’s not enough, we can call for Macs.

Y’know, I’ve never had Macs past midnight back at home.

What? Really? Well, when you get back in May, would you try?

Yeah, why not? Maybe I’ll do that when I’m back in school.

...

What date is it today?

April... hold on, um, 17. Careful, that’s hot.

...

When are you leaving again?

May 22.

Are you planning on coming back anytime soon after?

I don’t know. I have school to worry about and the only other time I can come back’s probably during winter break in November.

...

I won’t be around in November.

Mm? Why not?

I’m moving.

To where?

I’m not sure yet, but I need to move depending on whether I get it and where the shoot’s at.

Shoot? It’s a big project, huh?

Yeah, it’s- it’s a pretty big deal.

...

I’ll- Let me just go and...

[REC: APRIL 20, 2019 - 7:49PM] SOLO LOG #7

-idn’t have to!

No, c’mon! It’s such a great time to get this on camera! Come on, tell us what just happened!

Well, I just scored a huge model contract with Calvin Klein - in Manhattan.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m so fucking proud of you, oh my God! Can you believe it-

No, fuck off, I can’t either!

Oh! Calvin Klein!

...

I swear, you’re an angel sent to me-

Fuck off!

I’m serious! it’s so timely- I just can’t- I’m just so happy to have met you.

...

Well, you heard it first here, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Sohn is a new model for Calvin Klein - Manhattan.

[REC: APRIL 21, 2019 - 12:40PM] SOLO LOG #8

It is 12.40pm... April 21st, 2019. I’m finally back in my apartment after crashing at Eric’s for the last... 10 days? I think it was 10 days. My clothes were running out and I didn’t want to hike up his water bills so I just came back and- y’know did my own laundry.

...

Well, it’s- it’s been an absolute dream. The last thing I expected to... have, or meet? Here, is Eric. Um, but I know I’m probably going to regret this. Especially when May 22 comes. Uh... this is... it’s real bad. I mean, we’re great, y’know? But... it’s bad, because I know it’ll hurt. Like a bitch. When my time here is up, and I gotta go back to my reality, and Eric’s gotta stick to his.

We haven’t really talked about it. May. I don’t think he wants to, and I don’t think I want to either. 50 days is too short. Either that, or I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I shouldn’t have gone to the beach that day, in that hour.

...

I just wish we had more time. I wish 24 hours were... maybe about 100 seconds more per minute. Does that make sense? 160 seconds per minute. Then again, I don’t think that’d solve my problem. I’ll still be on a ticking... time bomb.

...

I know I shouldn’t say this. I know I can’t. I know I can’t afford to. But... I... I love him. I love Eric. With every... bit of me. It’s so... disgustingly cliché, but I feel so... comfortable with him. There’s really nothing we’d fight about, and even if we disagreed on something, we’d play it off like a debate, then forget about it the next day.

...

I love him. I do. And I’m going to regret this later. Without a doubt.

...

[REC: APRIL 27, 2019 - 2:02AM] SOLO LOG #9

-ou can see the stars?

I don’t know, that’s why I’m trying, sweet.

...

Can you see them?

Yeah, maybe if I just turn this ISO- Oh! I can kinda see the North Star-

Oh! Yeah, you can! It’s really feint though.

Right.

It’s okay, we can just lay it down here-

On the grass? Will your camera be fine?

Yeah, yeah, or else you can just put in on top of my bag- here.

...

Here, can you see me? Am I in frame?

Yeah, you’re in frame.

Okay, great. Now get over here!

...

I can taste the smoothie you had just now.

Too sweet?

A little.

...

Oh my God! Put me down! Oh- not there! It’s ticklish- AHHHHH!

...

y/n, I have something to tell you.

Mm? What is it?

...

Hello? Earth to Eric?

I... I love you. So much... and I can’t bear to see you go in May.

Oh, Eric...

No, I- I don’t want you to stay- or even think about it, ‘cause, you have your priorities and I have mine y’know...

Mhm.

I just... I just wished we had more time.

I do too. I really do.

...

Eric?

Hm?

I love you too.

...

[REC: MAY 1, 2019 - 4:23AM] SOLO LOG #10

1st May. 4...30? Am? I believe. Um, Eric’s sound asleep in his bed and I couldn’t sleep so I decided to do a log.

...

I have... 3 weeks left. 4 weeks have gone past just like that, and I don’t know what to think about it. I came for a 50-day retreat. No stress, just myself and peace and quiet and tranquility and yet-

...

I- I don’t know if I can do this.

...

[REC: MAY 7, 2019 - 3:58PM] SOLO LOG #11

So, Eric’s in shoot right now and I’m on the way into the studio with some donuts and coffee to surprise him. I called his manager and asked if it was okay so- I’m pretty psyched to see his workspace.

...

Hi, I’m y/n, I’m here to visit Eric?

Ah, okay! Hold on, let me just get you signed in with the pass-

Count me in!

You sure? This Saturday at the prep-party?

Yeah- Oh!

Eric!

y/n! What are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you. Am I... interrupting anything?

Oh, not at all!

You must be y/n! Eric’s told me so much about you!

Did he? And you are...?

I’m Chelsea! I’ve been attached to the same Calvin Klein contract he recently got, so you could say we’re colleagues!

Well, nice to meet you! Oh, right, these donuts and coffee are meant for you guys actually!

Oh! You’re too kind! Eric, you’re such a lucky man.

I know, she’s just... everything.

Anyway, thank you so much for these. I’ll bring them back down to the studio for the crew to share. But Eric’s pretty much done for the day actually, so you guys can leave if you want to!

Are you sure? Don’t you need help downstairs with the equipment?

No, no! It’s fine, there’re more than enough people downstairs. Go have your date, and maybe you can bring her along with you for the prep-party this weekend!

What’s the prep-party... preparing for?

Oh, you’re so adorable! It’s a prep-party for the end-of-May shoot we’re gonna have. it’s a collab with DAZED so it’s a pretty big project.

You never told me you were involved in a collab with DAZED.

I was gonna tell you today.

He has been pretty busy recently, maybe slipped his mind. Anyway, thank you so much for the donuts and I’ll hope to see you at the pier this Saturday, mm?

Yeah, sure. Thanks Chels.

No problem! It was so nice to meet you, y/n, I’ll see you Saturday!

Okay, bye!

Bye, Chelsea! It was nice to meet you!

Bye!

...

Sweet, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?

I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought you said you’d end pretty late?

The filming was cut short because the shots were better than expected so we ended early.

Oh, I wanted to film you while you were at work.

You have that on?

Yeah- why?

No, just wondering.

Are you uncomfortable?

No, no, it’s just... I really didn’t expect you to come to the studio.

...

[REC: MAY 11, 2019 - 11:12PM] SOLO LOG #12

It’s 11:12pm, 11th May, 2019. 11 days to departure.

...

I... saw... Chelsea and Eric... um, out by the garage-

...

Well, I guess... it looked like they were just... having a really good talk. Or something.

...

I left. I couldn’t watch it. So, I left without telling Eric. I did tell his boss that I wasn’t feeling well and I had to leave first.

...

I guess this is the part where I regret it, isn’t it? Um... I don’t know... how... I’m gonna explain this to him when I see him again. Which is supposed to be- um- the rest of the night. I was supposed to go back to his place with him and I’ll stay for the weekend before I come back to pack my things, so-

...

y/n, are you home?

...

shit.

y/n, I know you’re home. I heard you talking. Open the door, I need to talk to you.

...

[REC: MAY 12, 2019 - 2:00AM] SOLO LOG #13

...

I look like shit, don’t I? God, my eyes hurt like a bitch.

...

I don’t think I need to say what just happened for you to guess what just happened, right? This... says it all.

...

Fuck.

...

I shouldn’t have come here. How did- How did my retreat turn out- turn out like this?

...

This is- This is too much. Too much in too short... of a time.

...

I don’t think... I don’t think I can do it. Not anymore.

...

[REC: MAY 19, 2019 - 9:59AM] SOLO LOG #14

It’s May 19th, 2019, almost 10am. I just came back from a morning walk by the beach just to... reminisce a little before I leave on Wednesday.

...

I... haven’t seen Eric since the prep-party. I blocked him and I told him not to come over, though I think he has, like, a few times. I thought I heard someone come up to my door, but he never knocked.

...

So, this is how it ends, huh? A 50-day romance cut short like that. Into about, 40?

...

It’s crazy to think that I had... the experience of a whole relationship in 40 days. I definitely did not sign up for that when I booked this 50-day retreat.

...

It was fun while it lasted, though. It was. I don’t think I’d find anybody else like Eric, and I guess it just sucks that it had to end like that. Things happen, right? That aren’t... in our control.

...

[REC: MAY 21, 2019 - 8:07PM] SOLO LOG #15

May 21st. About 8pm. I leave in about 15 hours.

...

All my stuff’s packed. Definitely more things to bring home than I brought here. Half of these things were bought by Eric and given to me. I’m... actually not sure if I should bring them back.

...

I don’t- I just don’t think I’d have the heart to throw them away.

...

Nor look at them when I’m home.

...

Should I even bring this camera home? Maybe I should wipe your memory before I bring you home, hmm?

...

It feels like a dream, doesn’t it? Everything that’s happened. It feels like a fever dream. Maybe when I’m finally home, I’d wake up and it’d be the day I come here.

...

Maybe.

...

[REC: MAY 22, 2019 - 10:03AM] SOLO LOG #16

-ny more luggage?

Nope.

Alright then, I think you’re all set. You still have about an hour’s time before the gates are open so you can get a cup of coffee or something, yeah?

Okay, thank you!

Have a nice flight ma’am.

Thanks.

...

Good evening ma’am, can I check your boarding pass?

Yeah, sure.

...

Okay, you’re good to go. Have a safe flight.

Thank you!

...

[REC: MAY 22, 2019 - 11:34AM] SOLO LOG #17

It is about 11.30am and I’m on the flight, and here’s the view outside. Sky’s pretty clear and this thing says that the weather’s great so, it should be a smooth flight without turbulence.

...

This is it. This is really it.

...

Um-

Hi, ma’am, I’m gonna need you to keep your camcorder.

Oh! Yeah, sure, sure, sorry!

[REC: APRIL 2, 2020 - 12:48AM] ERIC LOG #1

Wow, this is... weird. How did you do this last year?

...

Um, hi. y/n. If you’re watching this then I’ve somehow managed to get this synced into your camera by some weird... bluetooth, iCloud shit that Felix helped me figure out.

...

It’s been a year. And... I just thought you should... see this, or hear me out, at least. I know we didn’t end on the best terms... and I’m sorry. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have yelled at you for being unreasonable for something that was... suspicious. I should’ve understood.

...

I should’ve been there. To see you off. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I... was scared, that I wouldn’t be able to let you go if I went to send you off. I was a coward. I still am.

...

But I do want you to know that... those 50 days were the best days of my life. Albeit it ended horribly, but nothing could... nothing- nothing will ever replace what happened last April.

...

I said I love you and... I still do. Every day I think about you and your smile and your voice and- and I cry to sleep... worrying that I’d forget how you sound like, or how you laugh and how... how you smell like. My bed smelt like you even after you left.

...

I just- I love you. And I miss you. And I’d do anything to go back to what we had. I’d do anything to get- to get you back.

...

I’m sorry.

...

the clip comes to an automatic stop. the white triangle slapped onto the screen, begging you to play it again. you look up from the screen, watching the famous calvin klein ad that hasn’t stopped playing in the last month.

he hasn’t changed one bit. not his hair, not his smile, not his voice.

it’s a bittersweet pot of memory stashed in the back of your head when the memories flood back. looking back down at the camera, you count back the days - it was synced just last night.

the pile of tissues by your thighs are carelessly huddled into the bin next to your feet, mentally berating yourself for going through the memory instead of formatting it.

you stand, fingers shutting the screen back onto its body with a soft click. the tv blacks out when you press the red button on its remote.

you’re halfway into your kitchen when there’s a knock at your door, and you immediately gasp, blinking rapidly.

“oh, it’s my fucking projector!”

rushing to the door, you don’t hesitate to get the door open.

and yet, like the heavens were providing you with all the light to stop you from doubting yourself, your lungs empty themselves like vacuums.

your heart stops.

your breathing stops.

“eric... what are you doing here?”

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spurgie-cousin · 3 years ago

Text

Every day this week, I've been drinking 2ish craft beers and rating them on my ig story to support a new local brewery. Which means every night, after 2 IPAs and taking my night time edible, there’s this ~15 min sweet spot where I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to feel negative emotions.

Which is right now, so I feel like this is the optimal time to watch Tim Rod’s newest “podcast” episode. If you’d like to read the stream of consciousness I had while doing so, click below:

1. In a suit, of course. Grey suit, green button up, and blue striped tie......m’kay

2. Tim says it’s been awhile since his last podcast because he has so many odd jobs that he’s been working 90-100 hour weeks. Which means if he’s sleeping 8 hours a night, and working 7 days a week, he has 12 hours in a 7 day period to himself (less than 2 hours a day. also physically impossible to do in a 5 day week if he’s sleeping more ~7 hours). I can’t decide if this really sucks for him, or if he’s purposefully exaggerating/humble bragging in the way his mom does.

3. He says sometimes he’d start to record a podcast for youtube and feel ‘God’ tell him to stop for whatever reason which....is so far one of the biggest arguments I’ve heard for God existing.

4. He says he’s going to talk about the story of Lazarus, and follows that with “I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with that story” which is funny to me considering the way he talks about Bible stories, scripture. etc. He has never talked about it in a way that’s super accessible, he talks about it like a super sheltered Christian talking to another super sheltered Christian, which I think really speaks to his idea of people; it’s difficult for him to articulate ideas without using Biblical language. I truly think that when the Rods speak in sweeping Biblical terms, they think everyone knows what they mean.

5. He goes on to say “at least half my following is Christian” which......oh Timmy...........

6. He tells the story of Lazarus, again with zero context for the non-Christians he claims to know that follow him. He talks in shittier grammar and shorter sentences while doing his “summary”, which I think he mistakes for accessibility.

7. I don’t get what he’s doing with his hair these days and I don’t like it

8. He keeps mentioning people or situations from the Bible with zero context!! The Rods want to seem like they’re training their boys to be preachers so bad when they’re really just teaching them Bible verses and second-rate banjo.

9. Tim: “If you feel like you disagree with anything I’m saying, and you have my contact information, feel free to contact me. Also, I will not be sharing my contact information”.

10. I’m only 10 mins in this is an hour long....

11. He keeps trying to stay Very Serious while looking at his dog running around and it has a very uncomfortable effect.

12. He says “This is exactly something the Flesh wants to be worried about; this is exactly something the Flesh wants to be concerned about” which I can hear Jill saying almost perfectly.

13. He tries so hard to seem like a Normal Average Everyday Guy, he keeps trying to come across nonchalant, salt of the earth and it just doesn’t work on any level. It gives very Alien in a Human Suit trying to act Human vibes.

14. He encourages us to Stand Strong which is very *points at the movie screen when they say the movies name*

15. The amount of times he says Flesh.....Their Flesh, Our Flesh, jfc

16. I skipped over all the bible verses it’s too much.

17. Ok I’m tapping out I got till 17:43. I don’t have any more life to spare.

#timothy rodrigues #honestly i cant spoiler alert #i CANT

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ddixons-angel · 3 years ago

Text

Fated: Season 8

Summary: Gloria Rhee narrowly escapes Atlanta with her brother as the outbreak reaches the city. Luckily, they find a camp outside the city and together, they fend through encounters with the living and undead.

Starts a little before Season 1 and then follows the main storyline of the show.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Glenn Sister!OC

Warnings: major TWD spoilers, language, violence (the typical TWD stuff)

A/N: and here we are... the FINAL (temporarily anyway hehe) chapter of Fated! It’s a pretty bittersweet feeling since I grew so attached to this series, I don’t really want it to end, which is why I have plans to continue it with the next few seasons of the show! And I know that the gif I used for this chapter was from season 6... but it was so hard to find any gifs of Daryl smiling... which is sad :( ANYWAY, let’s go forth with the last chapter!!!

Chapter 10

It was mid afternoon at the Hilltop, people were going about their lives and doing their chores around the community. Gloria lies in her bed with a tired smile as she watches Daryl cradle the newborn baby girl in his arms, cooing at their daughter she had just given birth to mere hours ago.

“Hey,” Gloria calls out as she sits herself up on the bed, “haven’t you hogged her enough?”

Daryl looks at her and scoffs playfully, “ya’ve had her for nine months, and ya say I’m hoggin’ her.”

“That’s not even the same thing! And for the record, I didn’t even know I had her for the first four months.” she argues with a pout.

“Tha’s yer fault.” Daryl replies with a smirk then looks down at the baby girl in his arms, “isn’t it? Hm?”

Gloria isn’t able to hide her smile as she sees Daryl talking to the baby, she then opens her arms in his direction, “can I at least get some affection from my husband then?”

Daryl looks at her and smiles at her words, he steps towards the bed as Gloria scoots to the side, making room for him to sit down. Cradling the baby in his arm, wrapping his other around Gloria who snuggles into him. She leans her head on his chest as she smiles down at their daughter.

“How did we make something so innocent and pure like her?” Gloria says softly, not wanting to wake up the sleeping girl.

“She gets all that from ya,” he says, pressing a kiss on Gloria’s forehead, “she wouldn’ be here if it weren’t for ya.”

“You say that as if you don’t know how babies are made,” she chuckles, making Daryl roll his eyes.

“I mean it,” he looks at her sincerely, “ya carried her for 9 months, yer body protected her, even from the Saviors and ya didn’t even know ya had her. If ya weren’t as tough and strong as ya are, she might not’ve made it.”

Gloria smiles at his words and brushes their daughter’s cheek gently with her finger, “I can’t take all the credit for that, she’s a little fighter too, I just did my role as a mother, even if I didn’t know it yet, my body for sure did.”

Daryl hums in agreement, “an’ I’ll protect ya both, like a dad’s supposed to.”

Gloria looks at Daryl at his words, “hey,” she calls out to him in a whisper as she caresses his face.

There was a sadness in Daryl’s voice and Gloria knew where it came from. She knew very well what kind of man Daryl’s father was and what he did to Daryl and Merle when they were kids.

“You’re gonna be such an amazing father, I can tell.” she says with a soft smile.

“Can ya?” he lets out a small chuckle.

Gloria nods, “just by the way you hold her, you’re a natural. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you had more experience, and I’m not just talking about Judith.”

“Hmm... maybe I do an’ jus’ never told ya.” Daryl teases with a smirk.

She eyes him playfully, “you’re lucky I love you.”

“You’re right, I am,” he says, pulling her in for a kiss, “I’m the luckiest man alive.”

Gloria giggles into his lips and kisses him back tenderly. Their kiss is interrupted by a knock on the door, the two pull away from each other as Maggie opens the door with a smile.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” she asks.

“Not too bad, given that I just popped a baby out of me,” Gloria says with a chuckle.

“Are you able to walk?” Maggie asks, “Carol’s downstairs with the others, if you’re too tired I can let them know.”

“I think I’ll be okay, I may need you to help me down the stairs though,” Gloria smiles.

Maggie chuckles and nods, going over to Gloria as she gets off the bed, “since you got attached, you hold onto her,” Gloria says to Daryl.

He scoffs playfully and gets off the bed as well, not denying that he did get attached to their daughter fairly quickly. The three of them make it out the room with Daryl carrying the little girl in his arms as they go down the stairs. Maggie gently holds onto Gloria as she takes each step and finally they’re on the ground floor. Gloria turns into what she considered the lobby of the Barrington house and she’s greeted by delighted smiles of people from Alexandria and the Kingdom. Carol is the first to go up to hug her.

“We came as soon as we heard it was happening,” she says as she pulls away from the hug, “how are you feeling?”

“Tired, exhausted, can’t wait to sleep,” Gloria says with a chuckle.

“I have some bad news for you then,” Rick says with a teasing smile, “you and Daryl aren’t gonna have a good night’s sleep for a while.”

“I don’ sleep much anyway,” Daryl mutters then turns his attention to their daughter who had woken up, “right? You’re gonna keep us up, aren’t ya?”

“I’ve never seen Daryl like that before,” Aaron says in awe as he watches the two.

“He was like that with Judith,” Michonne grins at the sight.

Daryl looks at the others who are staring at him, slight blush creeping on his cheeks, “what?”

Tara shrugs, “I just don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard you be so... gentle before?”

“Yeah, it’s amazing what kind of hold she has on you,” Rosita grins as she teases Daryl.

Eugene nods as he stands beside her, “I have to say, witnessing Daryl as amiable as he is right now is really a sight to behold.”

Daryl purses his lips and looks to Gloria for help and she chuckles as she shakes her head, “alright guys, that’s enough, you’re embarrassing him.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Daryl,” Ezekiel smiles warmly at him, “I believe what the others are trying to say is that you are a natural with your kin.”

“You’re a natural, dude!” Jerry chimes in cheerily.

“Thanks..” Daryl mutters, his face still a light shade of pink.

“So!” Jesus starts, clapping his hands together, “Have you two decided on a name for your little girl?”

His question turns their immediate attention to Daryl and Gloria, patiently waiting for their answer. They all look eager to chime in with suggestions if needed. Gloria smiles at this and glances at Daryl.

“Go ahead,” he says with a small smile.

Gloria nods then looks at the others, mainly focusing on Maggie and Carol, “we decided to name her Sophia Bethany Dixon.”

Grateful smiles light up Maggie and Carol’s faces as they hear the name given. Gloria lets out a breath of relief when they thank her with a deep hug. She and Daryl had discussed it when they found out they had a daughter. Gloria thought it was only fitting to name her after Sophia and Beth to honor the girls.

---

Sophia is now a few days old as Gloria places her in the crib beside Hershel’s. She’s finally drifted off to sleep after a crying fit. Gloria lets out a soft sigh then goes to check on Hershel and smiles at his little sleeping figure. She tucks them both in to make sure they’re sound asleep then leaves the nursery. She makes her way to Maggie’s office and knocks three times before opening the door.

“Hey Maggie-” Gloria says as she opens the door but cuts herself short when she doesn’t see her sister-in-law in the room.

Instead, she’s met by Jesus standing by the door, Rick leaning on the desk, Daryl sitting on one of the chairs placed along the wall, and Ezekiel and Aaron standing by the chairs facing the desk. Gloria blinks as they all turn to look at her.

“Everythin’ okay?” Daryl perks up when he sees his wife in the doorway as if he’s ready to ditch whatever conversation is going on.

“Yeah, I’m just looking for Maggie, wanted to let her know the kids are out,” Gloria smiles at him then glances around the room, “so what’s going on here?”

“Nothin’-” Daryl tries to speak but he’s interrupted by Rick.

“Shouldn’t she have a say in this?” Rick says, gesturing to Gloria.

Gloria furrows her brows in confusion, crossing her arms and leaning on the door, propping it open, “have a say in what?”

“We’re trying to decide who Sophia’s Godfather should be.” Aaron informs her.

“Godfather?” Gloria lets out a chuckle, amused, “let me guess, you all have amazing reasons for why we should pick you?”

“I’m a King!” Ezekiel exclaims.

“I saved your life,” Aaron reminds her.

“Daryl’s my brother.” Rick says matter-of-factly.

“Come on, you call me Jesus.” he says, giving Gloria a knowing look.

“Ya see what I had to deal with in the last hour?” Daryl groans.

She shakes her head as she lets out a laugh, “okay... Ezekiel, you’re gonna be too busy taking care of the Kingdom and looking after Henry. Aaron, as much as I am very appreciative of you saving my life, you have your hands full with Gracie, already. And Rick, being Daryl’s brother means you’re already her uncle. Plus, all of you are busy in your own communities anyway.”

Jesus looks at her with a grin, “does that mean I win?”

“I can’t say I don’t like calling you Jesus and being her Godfather. ” Gloria tells him.

As she speaks, the main door to the Barrington house opens and Maggie, Carol, Rosita, and Tara walk in. The women glance at each other as they see Gloria standing in the doorway of Maggie’s office, propping open the door with her body.

“What’s going on?” Maggie asks as she walks towards her office.

Gloria turns to look at Maggie, “the guys are fighting over who’s Sophia’s Godfather.”

“My bet’s on Jesus.” Tara chips in, “his name, it’s Jesus!”

“Thank you!” he exclaims from inside the room, then grins cheekily, “and you were about to name me Sophia’s Godfather before they walked in?”

“Well, no,” Gloria chuckles as he pouts, “I was about to say that you’re going to have to fight Carol on the Godparent position.”

Gloria had this conversation with the women before Sophia was born. Maggie and Gloria had an agreement that since they were directly Hershel’s and Sophia’s aunts, it wouldn’t be fair for the others to give each other the title. Maggie had appointed Tara as Hershel’s Godmother. Rosita was perfectly fine with being their aunt. Daryl was more than accepting of Carol being his child’s Godmother.

Rick, Jesus, and Aaron groan in disappointment, knowing that it was impossible to beat Carol in a fight, as Ezekiel grins happily, “oh glorious day! I have been named Godfather of the lovely Sophia Bethany Dixon! Haha!”

The others look at Ezekiel in confusion while Carol freezes at his words. Gloria glances over at Carol and notices her cheeks flushing a light pink. A grin spreads across Gloria’s face and her grin is noticed by the other women and they all turn to look at Carol. She looks at them nervously and fidgets, making the other women giggle.

“Congratulations, Carol.” Gloria chuckles, patting Carol’s arm.

She rolls her eyes playfully at her and smiles, “thank you, now if we can stop him from announcing it to the world, that would be nice.”

They laugh at her words as Ezekiel says his speech, announcing his relationship with Carol, earning a groan from her. Everyone except for Carol is immersed in Ezekiel’s poetic proclamation of love for her when a baby’s cry catches Maggie and Gloria’s attention.

“That’s Hershel,” Maggie says, instinctually heading towards the nursery, then a second cry can be heard.

“And he woke Sophia...” Gloria sighs as she follows Maggie into the nursery.

---

A few months have passed since Sohia was born. She is now able to sit up with some assistance as she plays in the nursery with Hershel beside her. Gloria sits on the other side of her in case Sophia loses her balance and falls. Maggie comes into the nursery with two bottles of formula and sits down on the ground beside her son.

“Here,” Maggie says, handing a bottle to Gloria, “just so they don’t whine when they’re hungry.”

She chuckles and nods, “thanks, we both know how impatient these two can get.”

Maggie smiles and hums in agreement as they watch their children. Hershel and Sophia were both busy playing with the toys in front of them. As the two of them reach for the same toy, Hershel reaches it first but lets go of it when Sophia grabs it and lets out a small whimper when she isn’t able to get it. Hershel watches her as she giggles when she is able to get the toy then he gently reaches over to her and pats her head. The sight of brotherly affection brings tears to Gloria’s eyes as Maggie smiles in awe at the two.

“Did you see that?” Maggie says, her voice full of delight.

Gloria nods, sniffling slightly as she tries to hold in her tears, “Yeah...”

Maggie looks over and her brows furrow in concern, “Gloria... what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“Nothing... he just reminds me so much of Glenn...” she says with a soft tearful smile.

“There’s more to it than that,” Maggie reaches her hand out and holds Gloria’s, “there’s been something bothering you even before the war ended, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Gloria looks at Maggie and sighs deeply, “I disappointed Glenn...”

Maggie frowns at this, “what makes you say that?”

“I let revenge, hate, and anger get to me, I killed a lot of people-” Gloria is cut off by Maggie.

“We were fighting a war, what did you expect?,” Maggie tells her.

“I became a cold hearted killer, Maggie...” Gloria lets out a breath, “I killed a lot of people on my own because I wanted all of the Saviors to die to avenge Glenn. I wanted them all dead so I did what I thought was right, I thought they were all bad people... but now I see they can be people we can even trust, like Alden, Laura... what if I killed people who didn’t deserve to die?”

“That’s the unfortunate thing about a war, people die. A lot of people die, even those who don’t deserve it, you were protecting what was yours, taking back what belongs to you. You did what you had to do.” Maggie tries to comfort her.

“What if I didn’t have to kill all those people? What if I only thought it was what I had to do because I was blinded by rage? What if I made the wrong choices?” Gloria says as a tear rolls down her cheek.

“Then you admit that you made a mistake,” Maggie reaches out and wipes the tear away, “admit that you made a mistake then fix it.”

“How? I killed a lot of people, Maggie... how do I fix that?” Gloria asks.

Maggie ponders for a moment then smiles softly, “do you remember back at the farm when I was mad at Glenn for telling everyone about the walkers in the barn?”

“How could I forget? You egged him.” Gloria says with a slight chuckle.

Maggie chuckles and nods, “I did, but then afterwards, you came up to me and gave me good reasons to give him a chance to explain himself. Did he ever tell you what he said to me?”

Gloria shakes her head, “he didn’t, and I never thought it was my business to ask.”

“He told me that he knows he screwed everything up with me by telling everyone about the barn, and that he knows there’s no going back in time to undo it, but he believes that he can make up for it by doing the right thing.” Maggie explains.

“That is such a Glenn thing to say...” Gloria chuckles, “do the right thing... how do I know what’s the right thing to even do?”

“I asked him the same thing when he said it, and can you guess what he said to me?” Maggie says.

Gloria ponders for a moment, “that his heart would know.”

Maggie widens her eyes in awe, not expecting Gloria to actually be able to guess, then smiles and nods, “exactly.”

Gloria smiles at Maggie then she looks at Hershel and Sophia as they share toys with each other. Sophia coos at Hershel as she hands him a building block and Hershel responds with a babble. Gloria’s heart had her answer, she’d start by properly raising Sophia and protecting her, making sure that she would know the right choices to make. That’s only the start but that’s how she would be able to make it up to Glenn.

---

“Hey, she’s almost a year old,” Gloria says over her shoulder as she sits on the bed with a notebook propped open.

“Already?” Daryl responds, sitting on the bed and leaning on the headboard with Sophia bouncing in his lap, “you’re growin’ so fast.”

“Mhm, today’s day three hundred and fifty,” Gloria says as she writes the number on the top of the page.

She’d been keeping a journal since the day that Sophia was born. Gloria wanted to be able to keep track of her daughter’s daily progression, and to make sure she didn’t lose track of her birthday; if the adults weren’t able to have a birthday, at least her daughter would be able to have one.

Sophia lets out a babble and points to Daryl’s face then begins to giggle. He raises his eyebrow at this and playfully eyes her.

“I think she’s laughin’ at me,” he says, earning a chuckle from Gloria, “are ya laughin’ at me? Huh? Ya laughin’ at yer dad?”

“Dada!” Sophia squeals.

Daryl freezes in place as Gloria snaps her head back to look at the two, “did she just... call you Dada?”

“I dunno...” he says in a whisper as he stares at her.

Gloria puts the book on the nightstand beside the bed then moves to sit beside Daryl, “Sophia, did you say Dada? Can you say that again?”

Sophia looks at her mom and blinks, letting out a few incoherent babbles. Gloria remembers that Harlan told her babies tend to babble things that sound like mommy or daddy when they’re around Sophia’s age but they might not have any recognition of what those sounds mean. She decides to test it; she waves her hand in front of Sophia to get her attention then points to Daryl.

“Dada!” she says again.

“You’re her first word!” Gloria exclaims happily.

Daryl grins and leans down to kiss her forehead, “knew ya were a daddy’s girl.”

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Gloria rolls her eyes playfully.

He chuckles then leans back as Sophia decides that she’s going to plop on Daryl and snuggle him, “Dada.”

Gloria smiles at the sight and kisses the top of Sophia’s head then moves up to kiss Daryl’s cheek. She adjusts herself so that she’s lying down beside him.

“I guess this is how you’re sleeping tonight?” Gloria says as she sees Sophia closing her eyes.

“Guess so.” Daryl says softly then carefully moves his arm to wrap around Gloria, pulling her close to him.

For the last two and a half years, life had been hectic for Daryl and Gloria to say the least. The outbreak that caused the end of the world was a blessing in disguise as they had only found each other after the world ended. Many would and have considered them an unpredictable couple, but together they fought through the odds. Whether it was fighting the walkers or the people who turned into monsters because of the outbreak, they would get through all of it together. They belong together. They are fated to be together.

---

This was literally just a chapter of pure fluff.... AND I LOVE IT. I couldn’t really think of a better way to end this series, but like I said before, this is only a temporary end! I have some ideas for the next seasons ^^

I want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who’s supported this story, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so so so so much for reading, commenting, liking, and just being there for me throughout this story. I love you all so much! You guys are the best!

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, I always love hearing from you~!

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