#sorry for the lack of posts im experiencing things
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darlingstarkey · 5 hours ago
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think later - pt 10
series masterlist
summary - y/n, formerly a pogue princess, finally had her big breakthrough and got signed to a record label in LA. little did she, her boyfriend rafe cameron and the rest of her friends know how things would really change as soon as she becomes famous.
anything in dark mode is rafe's phone!
authors note: sorry for the lack of posting.. experiencing some writers block & im back at uni
warnings: swearing
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taglist: @yesshewrites1, @grapejuice32, @leotapes , @givemylovetoall, @inlovewrafe, @bee-43, @larvalerius, @rafegetinmybed, @the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not, @mystargirl-interlude, @eddxemxnson, @sqfewrd, @pogueprincesa, @frankoceanluvr11, @raeven-marie43, @marleymarleymarleymarley, @mindfulmesses, @akobx, @spenceatiny18, @fluoxetinys, @lolxdswag123, @st8rkey, @ethanthequeefqueen, @drewrry, @jjmaybankmylovee, @disaster-rose
so sorry about this part y'all...
xo, dylan
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lilacs-echoing · 2 months ago
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who up jacking they merridew
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mins-fins · 4 months ago
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shining star !
"shining star come into view.."
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synopsis: life, in all of it's forms, is beautiful. life created is beautiful, life unknown is beautiful, the calloused hands which carve out the structures of life are beautiful. just don't form an attachment, it'll be harder in the long run.
pairing: nct dream 00z x male!reader
genre: science fiction, near future au, robots and androids, love rectangle??, vaguely space au, fluff, angst, romance but also no one gets the guy at the end, 00z centric pov, sorry no reader pov 😣, relationship studies, ambiguous/open ending, loose frankenstein references, featuring guest star android park jisung
warnings: swearing, space talk, robot talk, fighting, an ending that seems sad, mean sexy boss doyoung, the ethics of getting dangerously emotionally attached to your own invention, sooo much star talk, beware android jisung
word count: 16.2k
notes: me after not posting for ten days straight then just coming out with this 😇 anyway!! experimental ass work wouldve done numbers on ao3 (kidding..), feel like for a work with four love interests the romance seems pretty lacking 😭😭 i missed jeno.. and haechan and jaemin and renjun and im experiencing a wave of sadness bc nct dream were in my city and i didnt even get to see them 😣 also ANDROID JISUNG!! i like writing new things, and this was a challenge because unlike most of my other long works i started writing this before i had the full picture in mind, also i wrote all of this in the span of nine days so um, im not posting anytime soon again 😞 my apologies for fluctuating with my consistency.. also the ending is open!! so you can imagine any outcome you want, good or bad, enough of my rambling now, just enjoy my mess!!
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I.                     “ beware: for i am fearless, and therefore powerful “.
the effervescent expanse of space is an enigma, a mystery humans often poke and prod at to draw needless conclusions from. being stranded in a galaxy on a floating rock yet having little to no idea of what the unknown holds is enough to capture fear, being completely oblivious to the true nature of the universe you’re stuck in the middle of is enough to arise panic.
astronauts are brave, yes, but space is much too vast for humans, much too vast for them to survive a day outside of their oxygen filled utopia. rovers usually are feasible, but they’re now outdated, hunks of metal that more than often break down, and if the familiar knitting of doyoung’s eyebrows is any indication, it all frustrates him to an extreme extent.
still, it doesn’t explain why they suddenly have a titular new member joining their team.
jeno has become accustomed to all the nooks and crannies of the laboratory. the hallway splits into two turns reminiscent of a fork in the road, and it’s always the right turn that leads him to his destination, the left turn would put him straight in the arms of donghyuck, who isn’t exactly having the best time reacting to such news, so he’s making sure to keep a safe distance.
maybe catching a glimpse of your face will aid in the erasure of donghyuck’s distinct glare burned into jeno’s mind.
“y/n?”
it’s the usual: a mess. the mechanics of it all is your favorite part. science is beautiful, yes, but your one true love seems to always be robotics. the art of creation using that of metal is.. strange, some would say it’s off putting, nerdy, many more synonyms that would usually make jeno roll his eyes. the barrage of scattered aluminum and steels is as mundane to his eyes as it is mundane to the touch of your fingertips.
but you aren’t exactly visible from the first step into the room.
there’s a muffled sound of reply, a hum? groan? something that jeno can’t decipher with the heaping piles of bioplastics making their home on the ground.
he’s cut off from the second calling of your name when you rise from a pile of metals tucked in the corner, under the window and just barely evading the light attempting to seep through the curtains. you offer him your usual smile, snickering as you remove the clear glasses perched atop your nose and place them on your head. “jeno! do you need something?”
jeno can barely help the upturn of his lips, his hands unconsciously coming to clasp together. “i’m assuming doyoung told you.. right?”
you blink, displayed obliviousness betraying the clear insight behind your eyes. you run your sweaty palms over your pants, the id pinned to your chest seemingly crumpled from your former activities on the floor. “about the new addition to the team?”
his nod is paired with silence.
“and about this new.. project?”
you hum at the sight of his second nod, tucking a strand behind your ear as you then begin whistling into the air. jeno busies himself by zeroing in on the many blueprints you leave rolled open on the nearby tables, robots, robot parts, androids, the usual..
jeno’s eyes flit over to you again, a small kick to all the elastomers littering the floor, he hopes you have no objection to that one. “guess i can see where he’s coming from” your hands place themselves onto your hips, the sound of you kissing your teeth meeting jeno’s ears. “gives me more time for this new prototype though” the sense of your euphoria in your smile can’t seem to be replicated elsewhere, jeno sees your passion for all of this as meritorious, a true sign to how you’ll never change.
“and the new.. member?”
your eyebrows raise, using an eye roll as your response. “well you don’t seem too keen”.
you possess the striking ability to read lee jeno like an open book. you begin rolling up the many blueprints as a silent way of organization, your reverberating hum being the tune of ‘shining star’ by earth wind and fire. jeno scratches behind his ear, a frown tugging at his lips. “guess i just don’t understand what we need someone new for”.
“they just assume i need someone else attached to robotics to make it all go smoother”.
oh, jeno didn’t expect for you to know that one.
“this has always been a staple of our team, it was just you and me for a year, then hyuck joined, then two years later injunie joined us, it’s around that time where someone else is being added simply for the sake of moving us along”.
“it’s been almost three years, do we really need an asset when you already do such great a job yourself?”
you suck your teeth, snapping your fingers in his direction as jeno obeys your silent order by handing over yet another blueprint, it’s the only one with a finished sketch, but jeno can’t make out the drawn out parts for long, as you roll it up and place it with your other ones. “ask doyoung, he clearly has an answer for that one”.
the room isn’t exactly dimly lit, but the lack of light permeating through the satin curtains don’t do your side profile justice. jeno’s eyes drift their naturally, you again sigh as your head leans downward, irises dilating at the sight of your very own work. “did he tell you whose joining?” your tongue prods at the side of your cheek, fist knocking on the wood of the table before you.
“an engineer formerly assigned to siberies”.
a furrowing of eyebrows. “that far? why would there need to be such a drastic move?”
“doyoung does what doyoung does”.
your tooth sinks into your bottom lip, just barely drawing blood, but then, a smile, your usual, soft smile. “anyway, you know how i feel about additions, as long as they care, i don’t mind”.
“you’re too good with people”.
your responding laughter is laced with elation.
with your arms folded over your chest, jeno takes yet another few minutes to observe the room you often spend hours upon hours stuck in. the cognizant urge to zero in on that old picture of you two is always high, you uttered to jeno that you keep it in your room as an ‘encouraging reminder’, him being one of your first real friends and all.
there are other photos too, but jeno pays little to no regard for the stupid photographs of donghyuck which litter the shelves. the photos of you and jeno expand a wide array of your collection, but the one from before you two ended up becoming slaves to this curse of a laboratory is one he cherishes dearly.
it was always just you two before all of this.
“why do you think space?”
jeno ceases his staring, instead intrigued by your sudden inquiry. “you’ll have to specify what you mean”.
you opt to sucking your teeth, a display of your bubbling irritation. “space is so.. well, empty, it’s a void that can barely be explored planet by planet, we’ll never be able to touch the sun, never able to go ourselves for another few decades seeing the pace science is going, we can barely even get a piece of metal near our first planet, so, why exactly space?”
science is about inquiry, science is built on the basis of human curiosity and nature no one can understand, but they long to pick apart. you then tilt your head, face scrunching at your own words. “i guess.. you know— doyoung, i have something he wants, something he deems valuable, i can’t exactly understand why space is so relevant, i don’t get the purpose of pouring my life into an android for something i won’t ever experience”.
and maybe you find it amusing, your silent snickers make sure to spell that out. the question is one that’s drawn out, less of a question and more of a thought vomit, something jeno didn’t exactly expect from a conversation such as this.
jeno stares upward, and for an unknown reason, he longs to feel your fingers intertwined with his. “we’ll never really know enough, but that can be said for anything, science is about questioning the unknown, research for the benefit of those coming after us”.
“human inquiry”.
“hm”.
you seem interested, picking off a piece of cotton sticking to the side of his sweatshirt. “smart ass” you joke, a small snort leaving your lips at the blow.
and really, jeno just smiles, you’re too sweet to genuinely deliver an insult.
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II.                     “ he was soon borne away by the waves and lost in darkness and distance “.
the team is introduced to the new ‘asset’ (jeno loathes such a word) the following monday. a popular robotics engineer by the name of na jaemin, no one is aware of anything other than the fact that he is respected, his name rolls off the tongue well, and the pink hair is much too bright in comparison to the stillness of his expression.
the “team” simply began as a mere duo, which then became a blossoming trio, when then became a.. group. there’s only one member who doesn’t hold the anxiety permeating off of everyone else, and that is you.
fearless, that’s what you are. to the extent that six feet tall mechanical contraptions can’t even earn the hinder of a muscle. maybe being locked in a room as a way of work does that to a man, jeno will have to look into if that is a strategy for toughening up or something.
jeno immediately observes the obvious, jaemin’s hands are dry and calloused. when he reaches for handshakes, donghyuck is the only one who doesn’t make a move, something of a cower in his expression. it’s a bit of a surprise, bright, loud mouthed, brash donghyuck, cowering? jeno finds such a prospect astonishing.
jaemin’s grin is somewhat scary for a first time interaction, his teeth bare in a motion that’s simply.. performed. “it’s nice to meet you, all of you, i’ve heard good things about this.. team”.
you don’t reply with a smile, but there’s satisfaction behind your eyes. “you were not who i was expecting”.
“same here” renjun speaks jeno’s thoughts out into the world, his smile strained.
jaemin’s smile is again unsavory, but jeno keeps his composure so as to not let such a comment slip. for a reason unknown, you show a smile. “well then, let’s work hard together to make sure we succeed”.
donghyuck now physically cowers behind jeno, a grimace perfectly placed on his features as he readies up a sneer. “i don’t like this guy” he says, as if jaemin isn’t standing less than a foot away from him.
“i can hear you” jaemin’s smile twitches, not yet fully faltering.
“good” donghyuck replies, his arm coming to link with your own. he raises a suspicious eyebrow his way, keeping himself close by, as if you’d square up if jaemin decided to make any sort of threat towards him.
you reach behind yourself to squeeze donghyuck’s hand, clear serenity in your expression. “be nice” you whisper. “we’ll be seeing more of each other from now on either way”.
donghyuck grimaces, eyeing jaemin with distrust he isn’t keen on taking back. “hopefully not..” he mutters, eyes casting to the right.
jaemin simply shares another formidable smile.
both you and jaemin are assigned to the northernmost lab, sniō. a cold, isolated world that’s nothing reminiscent of the warmth your regular office holds, jeno’s face twitches at the name alone, how one could even survive in such an atmosphere is beyond him.
you always do the robot stuff, and since jaemin is in the same field, it means the time spent between you two shall grow, just until you create a working prototype.
na jaemin seems to be just as intrigued by you as everyone is when they first meet you, jeno guesses having to work with someone in a below freezing room brings two close.
“i apologize for donghyuck’s.. attitude, he takes a while to warm up to”.
“seems he doesn’t want to warm up at all”.
your eyes remain trained on the screen, jaemin takes note of how your irises seem to void out, nothing but pure, untouched engrossment present in the darkness. you then put on the pair of glasses typically kept at your side, cracking your knuckles. “don’t worry, he’s not that bad”.
“but he’s still somewhat bad?”
jaemin is somewhat drawn to it, you in particular. this is about a partnership after all, meaning you two have to sink into the feeling of knowing each other. the flurry of robot parts earn a grunt, hands now placing themselves onto his hips. “not that bad, he can just have.. an attitude problem”.
the other offers a chuckle in response to your words, an empty blueprint being rolled open onto the metal table. jaemin cops a glance, lips doing an upturn at the focus in your expression. “let’s get this done, yeah?”
a hum is all you’re offered, but it’s not that jaemin doesn’t care, it’s just that he doesn’t want to laser focus on that pretty smile of yours.
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III.                     “ what can stop the determined heart and resolved will of man? “.
when you get deep into work, you slip into a certain state of mind. maybe one day you’ll be responsible for androids overthrowing the human race and taking over the world, donghyuck thinks you probably foresee such an outcome with how much you put into pieces of metals.
lee donghyuck first met you in the same manner as jeno, in the crossroads of the laboratory’s mishmash of a hallway.
robot presence at an all time high, donghyuck remembers visibly jumping backward once coming into contact with you, now unable to tear his eyes away from the sight. he blinked, then his eyes narrowed against his will, a clear display of his judgment. “woah”.
exactly, his first words to you were ‘woah’, an exhibit of his surprise, definitely not his last one when it would come to you. he supposes that the whole unpredictability ruse is how you live your life, maybe jeno isn’t all that crazy.
you blinked in a silent reply, then, you laughed into your usual pretty smile as a third hand rose from behind your back. “hello to you too”.
“another hand?”
the intrigue was genuine, a simple judgment still there, but the inquiries were outweighing it all, as he tilted his head as his reply to your own. your nod was, in the strangest way possible, comforting. “i need extra assistance”.
donghyuck immediately knew the next question; “you created it yourself?”
“yep, have control of it and everything”.
he couldn’t even let a snarky lie slip in the moment. “that’s very impressive, do you usually..?”
you sensed his upcoming query, because you again giggled. “yeah, robotics is my passion”.
donghyuck hummed, somehow, the smile you brought was without irritation. “y/n”.
“donghyuck, it’s nice to meet you”.
and really, it was.
doyoung is no longer the monster donghyuck thought he was way back when he was an intern, as he gets older, the other seems to have glares that soften. his scientific curiosity exceeded the earlier fear, though, because he’s been able to stay here for years even with the older looking as if he wants to wrap a hand around his neck and squeeze.
the first time donghyuck meets both you and jeno, he immediately observes the other’s puppy like features. he found your relationship odd, considering you didn’t have to do anything magnificent yet lee jeno would stare with an enraptured gaze as if the individual moles on your face themselves solved world hunger and cured disease.
ah, so you two have that kind of relationship.
(“don’t you think jeno looks like a samoyed?” he recalls uttering to you a week later, there was a gleam in your eye, and it was completely dedicated to the blueprints you had probably gazed upon millions of times before that moment.
your laughter came in a harmonious rhythm, and the sound was so pleasant that donghyuck stared plainly captivated for a mere moment. “at an angle, he kind of does look like a puppy” your hand came to cover your mouth, despite donghyuck being the only person in your company.
donghyuck found a frown tugging at his lips, what are you hiding? don’t you know your laughter is pretty? he opted out of saying that out loud, anxious over something unknown. “sometimes he even acts like one”.
you clicked your tongue, playing with the collar of your shirt. “he’s simply clingy” you replied, straightening your posture as you silently ask for a pen with the motioning of your fingers. when donghyuck hands it over, he relishes in the small moment that your fingers meet, the delicacy of your hands is a feeling he can’t ever shake off.
or maybe lee jeno is simply in love, isn’t that strange y/n?)
donghyuck eventually got acclimated to the aberration of the usual laboratory day. doyoung asks a lot of you, courtesy of your vast knowledge concerning everything robots. you seem to enjoy the proposition of working yourself to the ground, it’s as if you’re trying to meet a goal, see how long you can work before you completely pass out or get choked to death by one of your robot contraptions.
“you’ll die if you keep going like this”.
your response was a scrunch of your facial muscles, an action that made donghyuck assume you’d reply with some snappy rebuttal, that’s what he always does after all. “death can’t catch up to me just yet, i won’t allow for it to”.
“not sure it’ll be glad with that proposal..” donghyuck muttered, but you simply let your eyes avert upward, distinguishing the planet models cascaded on the ceiling. it’s a staple of the laboratory’s main room, a duplicate of our very own solar system, fit with the sun, and the eight titular planets we have become accustomed to (though donghyuck knows you don’t exactly agree with the prospect of pluto being demoted, “poor guy, he probably feels left out..”; that’s what you muttered about it, he finds it funny).
“when the time is right, i’ll have control over how i want to go”.
“we’ll you can’t exactly determine the wavelength of destiny” donghyuck responded, and you snickered, hand again coming up to hide your mouth.
“don’t worry, something so stupid won’t be what takes me out, i promise you”.
you promised him, you promised him.
for a fourth interaction, donghyuck simply found you so.. beautiful. beautiful in a manner reminiscent of the many galaxies which hold worlds in them, tied with the stars, planets, comets, asteroids, all the celestial bodies donghyuck has dedicated so much of his life to studying.
the promise was signed by your pretty smile, signed by the shooting stars present in the night sky.
it’ll be kept, after all, you aren’t one to break them, donghyuck knows that well enough.
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IV.                     “ the world was to me a secret which i desired to devine “.
na jaemin isn’t exactly used to such a work ethic reminiscent of his own.
he works better alone, he usually always works alone. he originally got a part in this project because he thought he was the only engineer on this prototype duty, the only one specializing in actually creating this android, but then you came into the picture, and..
it’s safe to say that he’s steadily impressed.
the prototype has nothing of a face, it’s simply a standing piece of metals that don’t exactly allow for it to scrunch it’s face in the manner of a human being just yet. there’s ink painted on jaemin’s shirt, just shy of his usually prim and clear id, but that isn’t his main focus currently.
it— he opens his eyes for the first time, the eyelids fluttering open in the fashion replicating that of someone waking up in the morning. it stands rock still, the arms haven’t been programmed well enough yet.
your gaze burns through the pre-android, arms folded over your chest as you still in a method implicative of the robotic body before you. it’s pupils dilate, the irises completely black, not the familiar dark brown color of your eyes, simply pitch black. the sclera is a pure, blank white that is nothing of a human’s, jaemin would know.
he glances at his side, your eyes dark and the circles under them even darker. he opens his mouth to speak out a query, but then the android starts;
his pupils dilate, widening to the extent only a human’s pupil can, so lively so early in the process. again, the movements are unnatural, arms remaining pinned at his sides.
his mouth doesn’t curve upward, his eyes convey all there is to convey. good morning, it speaks, voice devoid of anything.. sensation, the only hint of one being behind the pupils which remained wide. i love you.
then, there’s nothing more else to say, and the pre-done android winds up, shoulders slumping as it shuts back down, eyelids fluttering shut, pupils narrowing, all of the color draining from where they previously remained.
jaemin blinks, observing you pinch the bridge of your nose, your teeth kissing one another. “i keep forgetting we programmed that one”.
“think he just does it as a natural instinct now” your arms drop at your sides, glasses being swept off your face and placed onto the nearby table. it is 11:38 pm, not morning, but he doesn’t seem to care.
“he? so it’s a boy?”
you inquire as if you’re attending a gender reveal, something of an amusing look behind your own pupils. “first name idea i got was for a boy.. do you want a change?”
your hum isn’t intelligible enough for jaemin to decipher your inner most thoughts. “no, it’s cute”.
“what?”
“your dedication to this project”.
in a manner that is completely unlike him, a tint of red spreads across jaemin’s cheeks, heat coiling over his face. you didn’t call him cute, why did that even fluster him? he opts to glancing away, he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off you if he again decided to stare.
“is that it for tonight?”
“i want to add on a few tweaks” you reply, you don’t mention anything pertaining to sleep.
“not even a couple of hours?” 
you simply manage a fleeting glance, a tired smile present on your features. his hair is mussed, tousled from the little care he paid to it throughout the day, you reach over and twirl a strand between your fingers, a ministration that brings a specific feeling of solace which comes as a small surprise.
“there’s no need to worry about me, you go get sleep”.
there’s the urge to rebel, to argue until his throat itches and it all hurts, but he keeps it all inside, mouth falling closed with a silent plop. “tomorrow same time?”
you hum in agreement.
jaemin’s face twitches, the freezing atmosphere of sniō now becoming more of a bother than before. your index finger again graces a hair strand, and his eyes flutter closed in a moment of relaxation.
he then chuckles at a sudden thought, glancing upward. “what do you think about the name mouth suction gangster?”
your laughter is irresistible, amusement high in the air despite the late night. “i think we’ll lose our federal funding if you name him such a thing”.
jaemin presents an exaggerated pout, and you ruffle his pink locks. “do you have any name ideas?”
you lean closer, jaemin instinctively leaning backward as you continue to seem bewitched by his pink hair. “it’s a secret”.
jaemin takes the opportunity to admire your features, each of your individual moles could be one of their own galaxies, holding a barrage of stars which simply amplify your beauty. “i’ll find out”.
“sure, good night jaemin”.
jaemin isn’t sure why, but he hopes to see that smile around more. it’s simply.. well, the words won’t come to mind just yet.
“good night y/n”.
when he finds out what the word is, it’ll surely become one of his favorites.
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V.                     “ there is something at work in my soul, which i do not understand “.
renjun’s name has a flurry of meanings despite it being a mere six letters, it’s a simple combination of two parts, yet those two parts hold the staple of how he managed things through his eyes for the latter part of his life.
the part “仁” usually means “benevolence”, it’s the meaning most people associate with the first three letters. the other two meanings are “ideal” and “expressing respect”, the adjective being “sensitive”. his parents reiterated to him many times that they had several arguments about the choosing, because naming your child whose future you can’t foresee the word kind is genuinely hilarious, but renjun would ensure that he’d grow up to be the kindest son they could ever have.
the second half “俊” is the typical name which means “handsome; pretty” or “of outstanding talent”, the adjectives being “smart, eminent”, a laughable prospect really, renjun has always been said to get his looks from his mother, he inherited her soft features whilst he got the strong personality (and by proxy, voice) from his father.
he assumes his smarts must be a mix, renjun never thought science, really, he originally wanted to go to school for music, but as his mother said; “music doesn’t pay the bills”.
he was never meant to end up here, not on his own accord anyway, and he was never supposed to be a part of this team in the first place.
but here he is.
don’t name it, he recalls doyoung saying, a booming voice being his go to. it’s only going to survive out in space for a couple of months, naming it will simply make it all harder in the long run.
but of course, you’ve never been one to listen.
to love something is to give it a name, you’ve always had attachments to your projects. heck, most of your caffeine addiction can be attributed to that talking coffee machine you created way back.
it makes enough sense to renjun why both you and jaemin gave the android a name, it’s usual to name a creation of yours, especially if there’s a specific meaning in mind.
renjun’s not a fan of robots, especially not of androids. despite all your fondness, he just can’t get it, and he knows he won’t ever get it, they simply freak him out. androids are too lifelike, androids are so freaky, he just can’t find an ounce of humanity in them that so called creators could find so easily.
the prototype isn’t yet finished, but it already has a couple defining facial features. it has small eyes, tiny heart shaped lips, a splitting smile, and it seems to have a knack for saying “i love you”.. like all the time.
and doyoung specifically said to not name it. naming it means attachment, attachment that’ll interfere with the way doyoung longs for this mission to go.
we can’t have another failure, you know what’ll happen to y/n if this goes wrong.
renjun isn’t quite as taken to this as the others seem to be..
“you gonna give it a name?”
renjun observes as you only let one eye open, arms acting as your makeshift pillow as you allow for your legs to stretch across the couch. you ponder for a moment, renjun senses that you’re contemplating on if you should lie or not, something about information between robotics engineers staying between them.
(and he loathes it, why are you keeping secrets with jaemin?)
“him, and yes, jaemin is very keen on doing so”.
“okay, so what do you have in mind?”
“are you gonna tell donghyuck?”
the question seems a tiny bit accusatory, renjun would feel offended if not for there being some truth behind those words. you know too much for your own good, he’s secretly afraid you’re some crazy mind reading alien, or a time traveler, or you’re just constantly eavesdropping.
he glances away, staring endlessly at the twinkling stars in the night sky. he hasn’t been stargazing in a while, it was a little tradition you two developed after your first dinner together, back when renjun was the newbie who had the least scientific experience. he guesses nerdy constellation knowledge made for a good past time.
(“you have a favorite?” renjun recalls you asking him. it was a spontaneous exchange, going up to the rooftop when you weren’t allowed to gave renjun the full picture of how exactly you were. your smile remains as pretty as it was when renjun first met you in the cold interior of doyoung’s claustrophobic office.
“aquila” he still has the taste of the word on his tongue. “it contains some of my favorite stars, altair, theta aquilae, lambda aquilae.. most of them”.
your intrigue seemed to be contagious, and though the light was minuscule, he could still make out your prettiest features under the dimly shining stars. the light of the shooting stars reflected in the shine of your pupils, a shine that simply seemed so.. perfect. “do you have a favorite?” renjun asked back, hands placed in his lap as he fruitfully avoided your eyes.
you feigned thought, renjun already knows you usually always have the answer on standby. “sagittarius, it consists of the two triple stars, you know i always see pi sagittarius on nights like this..”
of course, pi sagittarius is visible to the naked eye, renjun barely had to squint to capture a glimpse that night. and you? you simply looked enchanted, bewitched, something else that again seemed contagious, as renjun couldn’t help but use the moment to gaze at you with such captivation. you’re captivating, without having even to do anything special, simply talking about the stars is enough.
you scooted closer, knees knocking and shoulders brushing against renjun’s. “if you were a star.. you would be gamma arietis.. it’s apart of aries, one of the brightest”.
it’s a fleeting whisper, an intimate moment that could barely even be deemed ‘intimate’. renjun assumes so, though, who just says that? who compares someone to one of the prettiest stars in the sky? the cool night air did a good job of masking his tinted cheeks, but renjun can never exactly forget it.
in his own sickening mind, huang renjun would’ve taken that as a love confession. gladly as well.)
renjun’s gaze remains fixed on the window, your eyes now again fluttering closed. “am i no longer trustworthy?”
you hum, eyes remaining closed, exhaustion slowly beginning to seep through. “you’ve earned my trust, but it can always be broken”.
renjun is aware. the only person you probably fully trust at this point is jeno, but of course, you’ve known him for the longest. “i have my pinky, i’ll swear”.
you look as if you’re about to slip, but then you suddenly flinch, rising from your spot in an abrupt jerking movement that startles renjun out of his star admiring. “i’m not done yet..”
“y/n, it’s late, are you really going back to sniō?”
“it’s last minute!”
terrible fucking excuse, renjun’s nose crinkles.
it’s less of him being angry, more of him simply wanting your company, attention, just.. something, why should it all be divided between jaemin and this android thing? his stomach curls in an ugly feat of jealousy.
his arms stay dropped at his sides, and he clears his throat. “don’t stay at the laboratory all night again!”
stupid thing to say, he already knows you will, you’ve never been one to listen.
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VI.                     “ if i cannot inspire love, i will cause fear! “.
the “team” (jeno doesn’t really think of them as such) is introduced to prototype 205 on a seemingly regular thursday. fortunately for jeno, they don’t have to be in the below freezing environment of sniō, he’d probably faint from such a prospect. no, you guys meet in the space of the main laboratory, the overhead lights shining over you as if you’re an angel.
“his name is jisung” jaemin says, full of pride. your silence is key, there might be no words, but jeno can practically feel your excitement. sometimes, he feels as if your minds must be connected by some invisible wire. your fatigue is clear, jaemin probably hasn’t gotten sleep in weeks, jeno is afraid he might pass out, and you? your exhaustion is now completely usual, the bags under your eyes holding them upward as to not have them flutter shut.
“jisung” your voice is soft as you glance over at i— him, your stare nothing short of proud. “say hi to renjun, jeno, and donghyuck”.
jisung, half hidden behind jaemin’s shoulder, looks up at jaemin, as if for encouragement. it’s cute. jeno has to remind himself that the mannerisms are simply coded into his system. jaemin nods at him, and jisung finally shows out a part of his face, not yet stepping out.
“hi renjun” his eyelids flutter a little too humanely. “hello jeno, donghyuck” his voice is soft, yet it’s deep, clearly deeper than jeno’s, scratch that, probably deeper than everyone’s.
“..i look forward to working with you” donghyuck replies cautiously.
jaemin’s eyes shine as jisung parrots such enthusiasm, your shoulders slumping forward in action of relief. jeno’s eyes form into crescents as he smiles, just watching you be proud of your own work pleases him. despite your unkempt, mad scientist appearance, no one would ever be able to guess you had been awake for about thirty two hours simply trying to get jisung to turn on. the fondness in your expression is more befitting of a proud parent than an inventor.
you’re going to break your own heart at this point, jeno knows it, and judging by renjun’s narrowed eyes, he knows it too.
donghyuck chokes on nothing in the air, a clutch to his chest amplifying the dramatics of it all. “oh my god, he’s so cute” he can barely contain his laughter, pure excitement behind his eyes. “you made him cute”.
“of course i did” jaemin replies, sounding a tad bit offended. “he’s the cutest, all courtesy of y/n’s expertise”.
jeno can’t help the unconscious softening of his gaze as jisung copies your smile. his feigned irritation is barely even sustained, it’s difficult to keep a straight face when he is so adorable.
renjun simply grumbles something he takes as a silent rebuttal, it’ll probably take a while for him to get used to jisung. jeno blinks at jisung, who again smiles as he practically senses jeno’s eyes. “it’s nice to meet you, jisung”.
the name rolls off the tongue rather well.
“why jisung?”
jeno knows you, and by ‘knows’, he means spent full hours with you hiding in storage closets from the mean older kids when they’d trash your inventions, back before all of this, back when jeno was the only one you had to lean on. he hasn’t gotten the full scope when it comes to the full extent of your mind, but you two have history.
and what jeno knows, is that you don’t choose names unless there’s a specific meaning in mind. you like names, you think they’re “simply the prettiest kind of random, meanings can go a long way..”
you blink your eyes up at the ceiling, and somehow, even with the insane lethargy, they don’t close against your own will, you simply keep them open. you motion your hand, beckoning for jeno to give you his.
his hand places into yours in a natural sense of action, and of course, even with the roughness of the metals you spend hours around, your hands remain soft, soothing. jeno wonders if touching a cloud could compare to the pure delicacy of your palm, your fingertips. you give a glance upward, the curves of your eyes mirroring your very own smile.
“jisung means.. devotion” you whisper, slowly tracing the spelling of his name into jeno’s palm. “it can also ironically mean alive, jaemin thought of that one..”
“devotion to who?”
when your eyes flit upward, jeno wonders if that was the wrong question to ask. there’s nothing foreseeable behind your eyes, or maybe there is and it’s successfully overshadowed by your clear lack of sleep. he almost jumps backward, but then you smile again, your eyes forming into crescents as you begin a silent fit of laughter. “everyone really, loyalty, it’s one of his biggest traits”.
you know if this continues your simply going to hurt yourself in the end.
jeno refrains from letting such a thought escape him. “he really is cute”.
jeno leans closer, whispering the words as if they’re some sort of secret, as if doyoung could be around the corner with his watchful eye on you two, as if this is an old sleepover you two are having where you giggle about what the future may bring, fingers intertwined and all. “i know, it’s a very important asset”.
not important to the mission.
again, jeno doesn’t speak such thoughts, you’re so happy, you’re so proud.
he knows better than to ruin such a beautiful thing.
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VII.                     “ i ought to be thy adam, but i am rather the fallen angel… “.
doyoung wanted to get rid of you before project apollo and the success of prototype 205.
donghyuck didn’t have to hear it from renjun, he heard it in the way doyoung let each individual word fall from his lips. it’s often deemed a little ‘crazy’ that he hyper fixates on things that don’t seem to matter, but when it comes to you, donghyuck thinks it always matters.
it was a cruel move, to slyly hint it to the three and leave you out of the loop, donghyuck is all for a little cruelty sometimes, but it’s just tip toeing the line of evil. how could he even think of doing something without telling you first?
na jaemin was brought in as a replacement, the choice to keep you was only agreed upon after your teammates’ insistence. project athena went up in flames, which is what caused the distrust, but they pleaded your case either way.
(“don’t you think this is a little too drastic?” worry colored renjun’s usually stoic expression, if donghyuck focused enough, he could hear an upcoming tremble in his voice. “think of what y/n’s done for you already!”
it was two days before the arrival of the new engineer that it happened. in a manner of rarity, you were out that saturday, something only possible because of dejun’s surprisingly intimidating request. you mused that simply one day of rest would be fine, a good move on dejun’s part.
doyoung’s raised eyebrow was a threat that made even renjun tense. “shall i remind you of the mess which was project athena?”
“you can’t let him go over one failure, he’s like.. the only person who actually knows anything about robots!” yes, it got to the point where donghyuck was flailing his arms back and forth in the air. “and besides, we don’t know the other guy like that..”
“this project isn’t designed for your comfortability” god screw doyoung and his paper stacking. his hair is too neat, his eyes are too empty, his facial expressions much too stoic. maybe donghyuck’s childish fear back from his intern days is gone, but there still seems to be another kind of fear left over. “y/n’s become a liability, we’ve taken too many risks”.
jeno and donghyuck got offended on your behalf. jeno’s facial muscles twitched, a clear frown tugging at his lips as he sucked his teeth at the words from doyoung. donghyuck’s hands clenched the material of his pants, a gasp of disbelief leaving his lips. they exchanged a glance of vexation, an irritated snort leaves donghyuck. he had to be kidding.
“just.. this last mission, come on, it’ll go well”.
yes, it was renjun’s words that got a twitch out of doyoung. the older’s eyes examined each of them, renjun, then jeno, then donghyuck. then, he sighed, rolling his eyes. “you three are like children, this is his last chance, if y/n fails, you aren’t coming back here with your bag of excuses..”
donghyuck tutted, crossing his arms in an act of clear defiance. jeno looked the least irritated out of the three, but donghyuck knows it’s only because he was thinking more of you than of doyoung. renjun scowled, stomping his feet and storming out of the room.
“see? like a child”.
donghyuck probably would’ve jumped at him if not for jeno’s hand gracing his shoulder, rubbing his thumb over the blades in a comforting manner. jeno’s anger had quelled by that point, and he allowed himself to relax as best as he could. “thank you doyoung”.
donghyuck didn’t thank him for anything, there wasn’t shit to thank him for.)
the conference doesn’t need many speakers, so someone is clearly going to be left behind. donghyuck knows he’s going, he’s already prepared speeches, presentation note cards, and post it note reminders. to his very own dismay, jaemin has to tag along, and though it was an obvious foreshadowing, he still hates it.
your attendance is obvious, you’re probably much more prepared than donghyuck is, there’s never an event you don’t pre-prepare for, you always say that it’s “just in case”. that leaves it to renjun and jeno, one of them has to stay behind with jisung.
“think jeno should come with..” jaemin utters, your shuffling of papers fills the room, no sound comes from you, no indication of your agreement or disagreement. “don’t you have the coding expertise? we could use that”.
renjun begins picking at his nails, clearly anxious about being left alone with jisung. donghyuck raises an eyebrow at jaemin, lips turning downward. “are you the one calling the shots now?”
“it’s a suggestion, donghyuck, don’t get so uptight”.
donghyuck again scowls, face twisting into a grimace that’s less of disgust and more of indignation. “not uptight..”
“sure you aren’t” jaemin comments loudly, smacking a folder against the table as he wipes the dust from his hands. he glares, and donghyuck decides to glare back, one snap away from completely flipping him off.
you suck your teeth. “stop fighting, i’ll put your seats together if you don’t” your tone of voice indicates that you’re probably going to do it anyway. you pat donghyuck’s shoulder and make your way over to renjun. “are you fine staying with jisung or..?”
you’re much too generous, you are quite literally giving him an option. donghyuck observes renjun tense up momentarily, but if you notice it, you keep silent, patiently awaiting his response. he contemplates for a moment, and donghyuck gives a silent laugh at his clear anxiety. “i..” he looks over at jeno, then he shakes his head. “it’s alright, i can stay with jisung”.
“you sure?”
jeno clears his throat, the decision is done with, he doesn’t want more time for contemplation. “yeah, yeah! it’s alright!”
it’s not. donghyuck can see the way jaemin’s eyebrows furrow peripherally, and he simply clicks his tongue.
your suspicious gaze bores through his skull, but then you sigh, arms dropping at your sides. “okay, that’s good..”
donghyuck glances away, easily avoiding jaemin’s eyes. everyone is so obvious, he questions how renjun even functions around you if he answers your simple questions like that.
maybe he’s giving himself too much credit..
later that night, donghyuck joins you on the couch, your eyes stuck on the window which showcases the darkness of the night. it might be a problem, the fact that no matter how hard you try, you can no longer get a fit of sleep.
his crumpled shirt is a result of his extensive tossing and turning, how jeno ever sleeps is a mystery to him, but knowing what he does know, jeno will only ever get shut eye for a good three hours before he begins his continuous ceiling staring session. “nervous?”
you barely register his words, donghyuck is afraid you don’t hear him, afraid you might be frozen or something. it’s so weird, donghyuck always seems to find a new reason to worry his mind off concerning you, but you then blink, sucking your teeth at the window as if it did something to you personally. “kinda..” you opt to say.
donghyuck scoots closer, the two of you naturally falling together with you both deciding to lean. your eyes close for a second before opening again, as if you fear sleeping. how strange. donghyuck’s head presses against yours, your fingers coming to intertwine in a gentle manner. “do you like jisung?”
the query is whispered, and donghyuck licks his lips, really having to think it over. “he’s adorable”.
“yes or no?”
your insistence draws a tired chuckle. “yeah, i love the little shit”.
you snort, biting into your cheek. “don’t call him that”.
a hum is the response you receive.
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VIII.                     “ thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity and ruin “.
renjun doesn’t find being left alone all that bad, if he can just perpetually avoid jisung for the fraction of the day he has to work, then it all should be fine.
he holds onto the hug you gave him before you left, a gesture of affection he probably wouldn’t have accepted from anyone else, but let you do because.. well, he supposes it’s obvious.
“don’t get so freaked out, jisung is practically harmless” you told him, hands placed on his shoulders as you stared with your wide pupils full of fondness.
renjun could only respond with the scrunch of his face. what did you mean by ‘practically?’
he didn’t get to question it, jaemin dragged you off before he could even open his mouth, but not before shooting renjun one of his creepy looking grins. if he didn’t know any better, renjun would’ve asked to go as well, if not for the sake of being around you, but also so he could keep an eye on na jaemin.
renjun decides to occupy most of his day in meetings, doing extra work yangyang was much too lazy to do on his own. he hangs around the southernmost laboratory until kun has to usher him out, his excuses quickly defuse, and he has no choice but to trudge his way back to the main floor.
jisung is fixated on the distinguishing features of the model above him when renjun first runs into him that day, a copy of frankenstein left opened to a specific page on his lap. he tilts his head as he observes the unmoving solar system replica, his finger comes to caress the pages of the book, renjun can just barely make out scribbled writing on the individual pages. after a few more seconds of staring, he turns to the side. “hi” he blinks those terrifyingly realistic eyes. “busy day?”
renjun clears his throat, a wave of shame washing over him at such a question. jisung probably didn’t mean it, but he could probably sense that renjun’s avoidance was slightly purposeful. “uh— yeah, sort of, you could say that..”
he again goes to picking at his fingers, feeling the others eyes zero in on the movement. he lets a breath fall, attempting to change the topic, he starts; “what are you looking at?”
his feet seemingly have a mind of their own, as renjun finds himself beside jisung in no time, hands now placed in his lap. his eyes flit downward, ah, he knew it, jisung is reading one of your copies, he notices your straight handwriting right away.
“the solar system model” he whispers, eyes again traveling upward. “all these planets.. which one am i supposed to go to?”
renjun is a bit taken aback by that question, it’s a little unexpected, but he guesses it is what he was programmed for. he blinks, seemingly heating up under his stare. “um.. jupiter, that’s where your mission is dedicated”.
jisung hums, and renjun simply remains freaked out. it’s all too human like, was that on your part or jaemin’s? he’s now insanely curious.
“what are you reading?”
jisung perks up, as if startled by his spontaneous query. “frankenstein, y/n likes reading, he says this is one of his favorites”.
renjun snickers, how nice. “yeah, y/n is obsessed with science fiction in all of it’s forms”.
jisung nods. “i like it, the story is.. a bit ironic but it’s beautifully written”.
renjun’s lips immediately turn downward, while he expected for jisung to be aware of that one, it’s sort of sad to hear the tone of his voice when he says the word ‘ironic’.
jisung’s gaze bores through him, it’s reminiscent of how your eyes seem to burn into literally everyone’s soul, seeing their innermost thoughts with eyes seemingly devoid of anything. “are you alright?” he asks, sensing the mismatched thoughts muddled up in renjun’s mind.
“oh.. um, fine”.
jisung blinks, his eyelids fluttering in a freakishly realistic manner. his expressions have no right to seem so real. “something seems wrong”.
“are you programmed to notice things like that?”
jisung contemplates for a moment, as if genuinely thinking about how he should reply to it. “i’m not sure actually”.
renjun isn’t sure of that answer. “does it have something to do with the conference?”
renjun almost jumps back once again. jisung tilts his head, eyelids curving upward, lips pressed into a thin line. “is your mind stuck on y/n?”
oh, that’s fucking creepy, surely that can’t be programmed right?
unfortunately, no one is around to answer that question for renjun.
he shakes his head though completely wrong. “no..”
renjun is sure that anyone, android or not, could decipher the falsity behind his tone. “what’s wrong? did you two fight?”
“..no”.
“but you seem upset”.
curse this jisung, renjun can barely breathe without him dropping yet another accusation. shit. how obvious is he then? donghyuck must know, then that means jaemin is possibly aware, and that means jeno..
fuck.
“i guess— i don’t know, y/n is just so confusing, he’s complicated, can’t help feeling how i feel”.
oh what is wrong with renjun? he’s pouring his feelings out to this android that was created by the person he has a crush not crush on, surely anyone with a working mind would see that this is pretty much crazy. “you love him”.
renjun’s gasp is immediate, and he has no idea why he seems as offended as he is. “i— what? of course i love him but not like that..”
“he loves you too” jisung’s gaze is reminiscent of yours, stars seemingly dazzling behind his irises in the same manner as yours. how does that happen? did you mold him after you or something? it’s not that you two look alike, it’s more about the specific mannerisms renjun has gotten used to seeing from you. “he loves everybody, jeno, donghyuck, jaeminie, even me, i can’t really believe that”.
“y/n loves everything he creates”.
“no it’s—” he uncharacteristically pauses, weird. “it’s not like that, he loves me like i’m not a project, like i.. as if i’m not just here so you guys can discover more about space, like i’m more than that”.
oh, renjun didn’t think about it like that. he hums, tapping his fingers onto his knee. jisung seems defeated, which again perturbs renjun in the slightest, as he’s assumed all feelings are simply programmed, not that they can change naturally in their own way on their own accord.
you’re driving yourself into a wall, you’re going to hurt yourself in the end, and jisung even knows it himself.
“jaeminie does too, they take care of me”.
renjun doesn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t this. jisung again glances upward at the model of the solar system, eyes remaining fixated on the mold of jupiter. that’s where he is going. “i don’t really know how you feel, but y/n is.. he isn’t feeling that different”.
speak for yourself, y/n loves everyone, even doyoung, and the fucker tried to fire him.
renjun decides to keep that one to himself, his cheeks now tinted red, an unknown heat coming out of nowhere.
okay, maybe jisung isn’t that bad.
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IX.                     “ life, although it may be only an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and i will defend it “.
over the coming weeks, jisung becomes more of a mundane figure in everyone’s lives.
the attachment both you and jaemin have is clear, as creators of jisung, you pretty much treat him like he’s your kid or something (which jeno supposes he is but that’s only due to the obvious). the proprietary technology is shared between you both, all the other three did was fill you two with the correct knowledge and program the actual useful things. how to collect samples, how to analyze a mass spectrometry reading, how to identify potential life and share data on environmental conditions, not to mention everything that even goes into operating a spacecraft.
“what do you mean?” jaemin tilts his head, feigned resentment behind his eyes with jisung keeping his head laid onto his shoulder. he’s asleep, or.. off, jeno is unsure of how exactly it all works, but jisung’s eyes are closed, so jeno assumes he’s asleep. “you’re implying his skills weren’t useful before, i programmed him to dance, that’s useful”.
jisung’s chest rises and sinks, then it happens again. his lashes flutter, mouth parting as if releasing a sigh. jeno has to hand it to the both you and jaemin, because for all your eccentricism, you two are insanely talented. every part of jisung is painstakingly lifelike, delicately crafted. even jeno forgets when he looks at him, sometimes, that he isn’t alive at all.
“why?” jeno asks, because of course he does. the basis of his career draws from the most intrigued of queries, asking questions is all he knows how to do. “how is that useful?”
jisung shifts for a moment, then he rises, back straightening as he blinks awake, eyelids fluttering as he settles into the air of the room. “it makes people happy” jaemin opts to whisper, nothing but pure endearment behind his eyes as he stares. “isn’t that useful?”
not useful to the mission, not useful to scientific achievement, were hitting a brick wall here.
jisung’s eye flit around the room, unfocused. when he processes jaemin’s face, his lips curve into a smile. when his eyes land on jeno, his smile only widens, which startles the other enough that his replying smile is awkward.
“good morning” jaemin coos, brushing a strand of hair behind jisung’s ear.
“it’s eight twenty seven o’clock” jisung replies, matter of factly. he blinks again at jaemin, observing as the older juts out his lip. he then pauses, mind seemingly re-wiring.
“good morning” he tries again. “i love you”.
jaemin’s resounding laughter is full of so much elation that jeno can even see his teeth, and he squeezes jisung tighter, completely enamored.
jeno guesses he’s pretty adorable.
jisung again blinks his terrifyingly realistic eyes, his pupils holding curiosity. “where is y/n?”
he doesn’t yet give mention to renjun and donghyuck’s absence, but jeno guesses it’s due to jisung being quite used to seeing you around once he wakes up. he tilts his head in jeno’s direction, as if also expecting an answer from him. jaemin clears his throat, ruffling his hair. “y/n had to leave at six for early work, he’ll be back soon”.
jeno scans the look of simply affection at the mention of you, not just from jisung, but also from jaemin. jisung’s face falls in a display of worry, jeno finds that rich. “y/n typically works every single day, do you know why jeno?”
being put on the spot, jeno again startles, his face going pale. he contemplates for a moment, feeling jisung’s eyes seep through him in a burning gaze, it’s a little scary. “i— um..”
“were back!” donghyuck fortunately comes to save his ass, kicking down the door in a bang so loud it cuts jeno off immediately. “and we brought food” renjun continues, he places the bag he holds onto the nearby table, right in front of jisung. he fixates on it, scanning the plastic before him. “and hello you!” donghyuck seems to feel a similar extent of adoration in correlation with both you and jaemin, as he leans downward to press a kiss to his cheek, drawing a small sound from him.
“good morning..” he mutters, shying away from the act of affection. jeno finds donghyuck’s attachment to jisung a little more surprising, renjun definitely took a while to warm up, but donghyuck didn’t really need that much time, the other previously expressed concerns to jeno about using androids when the project began, but it seems that all the worry has since dissipated. he was smitten, he still is.
renjun was much more weary at first, but he’s slowly getting used to his presence, jeno guesses something that had to do with the day they were gone for the conference.
“y/n still not back?” donghyuck inquires, unease hidden by his usually bright smile. he leans onto his own fist, watching jisung seem enraptured by the sight of human food. jisung decides to respond by shaking his head, seemingly sensing the tension between donghyuck and jaemin.
donghyuck clears his throat, keeping silent as he hands jaemin over what he ordered, again avoiding eye contact. oh, they still haven’t attempted to sort a few of the differences, or maybe they talked during the conference, jeno can’t exactly remember.
“he does nothing but work” renjun’s words are muffled by the bits of toast he chews, something of irritation in his pupils. “seriously, never shuts down..”
“i heard that” it isn’t an understatement to say that everyone practically lights up when you walk through the door. jeno likes to think that he displays his adoration the best, with his ‘samoyed likeness’ and all (that’s what you and donghyuck say). there’s a warmth that emanates from your presence, a tired smile clinging to your lips. “not a workaholic, i’m just good at my job”.
“they can go hand in hand”.
jisung showcases his biggest smile of the morning, almost jumping from his seat in an effort to hug you. of course, donghyuck gets there first, squeezing the oxygen out of you. “you got here just in time, breakfast is here, eat, then go nap”.
you snort. “don’t give me demands”.
“are you not tired?” renjun opts to pipe in, it’s a rather idiotic question, everybody knows you’re tired, the bags are about to sink into your skin, but you simply wave a dismissive hand, eyes shining jisung’s way.
“enough of that, how’s my baby?”
jisung just manages a yelp before you wrap your arms around him and they tighten. oh you love him, it hurts jeno’s heart in a sickening way, you’re simply enraptured. jeno can’t help but notice jaemin, who looks equally as so, but not towards jisung, more towards you.
jaemin’s scoff of annoyance is feigned. “our, and he’s good, he was looking for you”.
“why do you work all the time?”
jisung blinks in his regular jisung manner, which jeno finds off putting, he’s beginning to note the androids individual mannerisms. “because i like to work”.
“nobody likes to work, do you have problems?”
donghyuck snorts, hiding his giggles behind his hands when he notices your peripheral glare. jeno whistles as he feigns ignorance, attempting to keep his laughs down in his head. renjun simply blinks, sending an amusing stare jisung’s way.
you raise your eyebrows, jeno guesses it was something you didn’t expect. “no jisung, it’s just when you get used to pulling all nighters as an intern, it bleeds into you pulling all nighters in general”.
“that sounds like a problem” jisung replies in a tone that implies genius. jeno supposes he does know all, but you instead stick out your tongue.
“shhh” you press a finger to his lips, completely shutting him up.
donghyuck is still giggling, maybe the act of an android asking their creator if they have problems is a degree of humor he doesn’t expect. renjun simply finds the display cute, there’s no need for words, jeno knows how he feels.
he decides to turn away, pushing down any other thoughts, he knows your time together is limited, this attachment is only making such a thing worse.
his stomach twists into something ugly, and he swallows down nothing.
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X.                     “ nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change “.
it isn’t that difficult to come across you in the dead of night.
that seems to be when your most active, na jaemin only scales the halls at midnight because of the anxiety he feels rising. of course, he won’t divulge to anybody that those worries are present, really renjun doesn’t seem to enjoy talking, jeno is much too sweet for him to handle, and donghyuck.. he’s a character.
you weren’t wrong about the all nighter claim, as his eyes fixate on your figure, flipping through coding documents in a manner that’s simply so entrancing. his hands remain shoved in his pockets, his stare endless as you carry on with your coding admiration. he then smiles, why are you like this?
“rough night?” he finally speaks into the air, startling you suddenly. you settle into a silent chuckle, an empty cup of coffee dormant on the table before you. his gaze softens, and he steps closer to you, shoulders brushing in a brief moment.
“not exactly, just last minute observations, launch is soon..”
when you mutter those words, the air seems to still. it shouldn’t come as a surprise, jisung wasn’t created to be cute and tell you two he loves you, jisung was created to explore a planet uninhabitable to humans, project apollo is supposed to be just that.
jaemin takes in a deep breath. “yep, launch soon”.
the repeated words does nothing but add to the stillness of the air, which only elevates your feelings about the whole thing. you stack the papers on top of one another, sucking your teeth. “you don’t usually work with others, right? i hope i lived up to your expectations”.
it’s much more than that, why do you gaze as if i display constellations over my cheek? why do your eyes dazzle in that way? why are you you?
“you exceeded them, you’re exceptional”.
jaemin mistakens the blush on your cheeks as something other than platonic, but could you blame him? you could simply be flattered.. and na jaemin should be allowed a delusion once in a while. “i have to assume some of those words are exaggerated”.
“take the compliment”.
he doesn’t inherently beg, but the plea is heard as an undertone. you snicker, scratching behind your ear. “i could say the same, i was trying my best to impress you..”
“you didn’t exactly need me, you’re a powerhouse you know?”
you again giggle, flattery high in the air. “couldn’t have done it without you, jisung is dear to me”.
jaemin hums, shoulders again brushing with yours. “he’s basically our son anyway”.
“you’re really trying to sell that”.
“it’s true, isn’t it?”
your smile is soft, yes, it is true, but the words aren’t spoken. you again glance downward at the stack of papers formerly grasping at your attention, urging for jaemin to talk your ear off. “i guess..”
jaemin grabs at the opportunity to admire your side profile, he isn’t all about the star knowledge, but according to the many whispers from you, tonight is when the constellation auriga is present in the night sky. you said that it’s one of your favorites, auriga imitates the shape of a hexagon once all the stars connect in the sky. it’s always around your birthday that it is visible in the sky, your eyes gleam with an intrigue that could also be mistaken for enchantment.
it’s funny.
“i can teach you all there is about constellations”.
jaemin’s smile mirrors the bewitchment hidden in his pupils. “that would be nice”.
he actually doesn’t care, but the act of you talking while jaemin simply listens is his ideal type of date.
you hum, again glancing up as you pause. you blink, your stare endless as jaemin registers the sudden closeness of you two. the stars are aligning in the sky tonight, jaemin can’t help but observe the patterns of your moles and how they replicate the positions of the stars you so dearly love. everything about you is so beautiful, beautiful in a manner reminiscent of the astral cluster he usually pays no mind to.
jaemin’s gaze travels, your lips are very pretty, interesting. he’s listened around, he’s aware that he probably isn’t the only person here with such interests in you specifically, but this is probably the closest anyone has ever gotten in that regard.
you feign ignorance, eyes shifting as you notice where jaemin stares. either you’re nervous, or you simply have no idea what to say.
and really, jaemin wants to, he wants to so bad, it wouldn’t even be that much of a movement, if he just leaned closer just the slightest..
he stops himself before he can get any closer.
“you should get some sleep now, seriously” jaemin opts to say, cutting off his own thoughts with a complete topic switch. “come on.. please?”
there’s a slight whine to his tone, and your lips do an upward turn at the question, a small snicker falling from them. “maybe a few more minutes?”
“do you want for me to use force?”
you again grin at that one, smoothly sliding the stack of papers into a folder. you blow a breath between your lips, clasping your hands together. “fine then, i’ll sleep”.
“you will, i’m going to be watching you the whole entire time”.
“creep”.
jaemin sticks out his tongue as a response.
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XI.                     “ how mutable are our feelings, and how strange is that clinging love we have of life in the excess of misery! “.
on the day of launch, jaemin wears all black, a sentiment to how he must be feeling. donghyuck doesn’t attempt to reach out, the sharp looks he earns are enough to keep him silent. you seem to take it a little better, not exactly wearing all black, but also unable to keep up the fixed smiles you use to erase worry.
everyone looks like they haven’t slept in a week, which, to be fair, they probably haven’t. donghyuck pays little attention to jaemin in his all, but he knows the other is missing a good week of shut eye. jeno was up all night with stomach dropping anxiety, he continuously tossed and turned in his bed, eyes remaining open until the sun rose above the horizon. renjun keeps silent, but he isn’t having a better time either, his eyes continuously fluttering shut on the commute to work.
this is supposed to be the best day of your career, what you’ve been working towards since the start of the stupid internship you all accepted. still, you all just seem the slightest bit miserable, even on the supposed happiest day of your lives.
breakfast is silent, you leave early enough that donghyuck doesn’t catch you until you all gather at the laboratory, listening to the machinery emanating noise from each corner of the room.
jaemin sits down beside him, and while donghyuck wishes to peacefully ignore his presence, it’s rendered difficult with him now right there. the younger seemingly longs to make an effort, but donghyuck still can’t talk to him without thinking of what he last said to him.
(“i almost kissed him, you know” he recalls jaemin speaking into the air five days ago, why jaemin decided to say it to him? donghyuck will never know. donghyuck paused his sorting of documents, blinking as he turned the way of his pink haired acquaintance. his face scrunched inquiringly, as if he had no idea who jaemin was talking to whilst he was the only one in close distance to him.
“who? jeno?” donghyuck’s eyes shifted his way, gaze lingering on your hands, which stayed massaging jeno’s shoulders across the room.
“what? no” jaemin replied, seemingly offended by such a suggestion, even with his insistence that jeno is ‘a pretty good looking guy..’.
donghyuck again blinked, licking his lips as his gaze settled onto jaemin once more. “so.. who?”
jaemin didn’t speak it out, simply motioned his head in the direction donghyuck stared a brief moment prior. donghyuck processed his words slowly, then his eyes widened in a manner he had absolutely no idea they could.
“y/n?” donghyuck couldn’t hide the contempt of his tone, yeah jaemin did say ‘almost’, but does that really matter? jaemin was the new guy, yet he was the only one who managed to get close enough, his jealousy wasn’t exactly unreasonable.
because donghyuck could understand how it is with jeno, he’d gotten much used to it at that point. no, how could na jaemin just.. find the courage so easily? it was an ego bruiser he didn’t expect.
“so why didn’t you then?” donghyuck hid his scorn behind more disdain he tried to use as a weapon, a wall, it didn’t matter. “and why are you telling me about this?”
“i don’t know.. guess i just felt he wouldn’t want it”.
jaemin sounded hurt, how rich. if donghyuck had to guess who you’d be with out of everyone else in the team, it would probably be jaemin, the newbie who’s just as much a robot nerd as you are. it was a match made in heaven.
“i’m not the one he wants”.
donghyuck assumed he was lying at that point, jaemin was playing with him, taunting him with knowledge only he had from the variety of time he spent with you. “sure, and did he tell you that?”
jaemin’s shrug was empty. “he didn’t have to, just.. if you get the opportunity, then you should probably take it”.
what the fuck.
did na jaemin really just tell donghyuck that if he had the opportunity to kiss you, he should take it? the other stared into practically nothing, jaemin finished with what he had to say, there were no more words left for him to utter.
“..alright”.)
donghyuck can’t exactly resist the urge, which is unfortunate for him because he had a good avoiding jaemin track record that’s pretty golden to him. is he really that curious?
“you okay?” donghyuck inquires, an eyebrow raise being his go to add on. jaemin looks one snap away from punching him, his balled up fist frightens donghyuck, who scoots one seat away to ensure his own safety. for all of jaemin’s expressions, donghyuck has never seen him look so unhappy. grumpy, sometimes. irritated, mostly with him, but the grief marring his expression is much too intense.
jaemin’s gaze remains fixated on you, performing regular actions that appear to be much more because of how you do it. “not sure what i was expecting” he whispers so quietly it aches. “jupiter is far away, it’ll take him only seven months, guess i can commend you guys for that one”.
right, any regular journey to jupiter would take six years at best, the architecture of project apollo as a whole is really the saving grace of this mission. donghyuck would probably die having to wait six years for jisung and the spacecraft to even land on jupiter, he can’t imagine how you’d feel.
“god fuck this”.
donghyuck glances your way, eyeing the shine in your irises as you gaze upon a model of jupiter, jisung’s cheek pressed onto your shoulder. jupiter has never been your favorite planet, you often deem it ‘the overrated planet’, because, in your own words; “it’s color scheme isn’t my favorite, all that helium nauseates me”.
you can always find something to focus on, even the things that seem so unimportant. “anything can be unique if you’re open minded enough hyuckie”.
he barely contains his giggles at the recollection of your words, he’s afraid of asking about your feelings, because while you’ve never been one to give snippy responses, there’s still a voice in the back of his mind reminding him of your unpredictability, he shouldn’t be so quick to think that.
“he’ll be fine”.
“jisung is like.. his pride and joy, he won’t take it well”.
and clearly, neither will you.
donghyuck forbids such words from escaping his lips, launch is in an hour, he should focus.
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XII.                     “ when falsehood can look so like the truth, who can assure themselves of certain happiness? “.
jisung’s first communication falls on a sunday.
renjun remembers the day of the week because it comes the day after donghyuck’s birthday. he specifically remembered that one because you all spent donghyuck’s birthday at the lab, paired with little to no bickering with jaemin, and a privilege which included being able to kiss you all he wanted. it’s somewhere around four in the morning that renjun jolts awake from where he laid down on his desk to find you staring at the screen in wide-eyed awe.
<<< …happy birthday donghyuck!
<<< good morning, i love you. did i miss it?
it would usually take months, even up to years for messages to travel this far. that was a long while ago, though. now, it only takes a good twenty three hours for messages to be received, which is definitely shorter than the time it takes to travel there. seven months, you now spend much more time at the laboratory than prior, waiting by the screen in the control room for any kind of message.
there isn’t a character limit to the messages, conversations can go on forever, like he never left. sort of like he never left, renjun thinks it’s a bit off in terms of timing, but it’s enough to please both you and jaemin.
renjun scurries closer, face illuminated by the dark blue screen.
jisung takes pictures of a lot of important things, just like he was programmed to do. sometimes, he doesn’t even photograph things that are that important, yet it can still be perceived as such.
jaemin appears out of nowhere, arms folded over his chest as he squints his eyes at the screen right in front of him. renjun has enough energy to produce a lethargic chuckle.
<<< i think this ball of gas kind of looks like a bunny, doesn’t it?
<<< [IMAGE ATTACHED]
“oh, i see it” jaemin breaths, blinking a few times in a pattern of recognition.
donghyuck jolts awake from where he’d been quietly snoring on jeno’s shoulder. “i do too”.
your nose scrunches, just barely registering renjun’s hand coming to hold yours. “yeah, same here”.
<<< the stars are really beautiful right now!
<<< see? it’s aquarius, y/nie said that’s one of his favorites!
<<< remember?
<<< did jaemin lose his ring yet?
right, the ring. it was a request on jisung’s part, everyone got matching rings after he saw snow for the first time. jaemin did lose the ring actually, it slipped down into the cushions of the main room and he lost his mind trying to find it. he seemed so genuinely torn up by it that everyone swore to secrecy, much too afraid of how jisung would react to such news.
“of course not” you’re quick to lie, nudging jaemin with your shoulder. “next time you see the stars like that, make sure to take a picture with you in it okay? i miss seeing your face”.
there’s a hint of anguish in your tone, your eyes a shade of red that’s terrifying to an impossible extent. renjun continues to caress your hands with are still laced together, thumb smoothing over your knuckles as a gesture of fondness. it’ll be okay, i’m here, everyone is here, we get how you feel.
the words aren’t spoken, simply dissolved.
for the next few minutes, you all take turns replying to jisung’s messages, and renjun can tell, all of you needed this. though it’d be hard to reach such words through all your pigheaded attitudes, it’s nice knowing that a message finally came around, there was an anxiety in the air that all of you could feel, yet you simply left unsaid.
it’s hard to be here without him sometimes, because though it won’t be said, everyone feels as if they’re missing a piece of themselves with him gone. renjun never thought he would be able to get to this point, he never thought an attachment was even possible, he guesses he was wrong about that part.
donghyuck again passes out against jeno when it’s all over, jaemin placing a hand on your shoulder which lingers before he again settles on a nearby chair.
you remain stuck on the bright blue light which permeates from the screen, seemingly enraptured. renjun stays beside you, hands still together.
“he’ll be okay” he whispers, not exactly sure of those words but speaking them anyway. he wants to ensure at least a measure of peace for you, anything to result in the anxiety dissipating from your features. “trust yourself, alright?”
you don’t respond, simply blink once again.
it’s your own way of uttering the words; i don’t know if i can.
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XIII.                     “ man, i cried, ‘how ignorant art thou in thy pride of wisdom!’ “.
it isn’t helped by the fact that nine months into project apollo’s first mission, jisung suddenly goes offline.
“what do you mean he’s gone offline?” jaemin reiterates, as if the prospect of that actually being possible is completely off the table.
i told you so, jeno thinks in his mind, his heart sinks into his stomach. of course this was going to happen, i knew this was going to happen.
donghyuck looks helpless, something that is frightening to jeno, not surprising, unnerving. “comms to the ship are still active for now” he explains, voice just barely holding up against an upcoming tremble. “calm down, we’re still trying to reach him, maybe he’s just late to respond, maybe—”
“he’s never late” jaemin cuts in, hair tousled in every direction. jeno is, again, terrified. the room is silent, if you take away the arguing, renjun is tryibg his best to keep himself together, and your own silence is nerve-racking, your eyes trained on the screen before you. “he’s never late donghyuck, so don’t tell me to fucking calm down alright? have you checked the log for any unusual activity?”
jeno is grateful for his ringing ears, the argument bleeding out into uncomfortable background noise. you bite down into your bottom lip, quickly drawing blood with the force you put into your action. jeno almost breaks the silence by inquiring to you about the whole thing, but of course, they can’t shut up.
“this was probably caused by your shitty work, so much for your robotic skills” donghyuck makes sure to mock jaemin’s voice, jabbing a finger in the square of her chest, crowding in his face.
“my fault?” jaemin scoffs, pushing him back with a heavy shove of the shoulder. “my work is fucking flawless, donghyuck, don’t take out your frustrations on me because you miscalculated and caused this mess!”
“oh but that’s exactly what you’re doing now isn’t it? don’t try to act so high and mighty when you’re genuinely being a fucking hypocrite!”
it seems that this fight is about to well out into the physical territory, but you then speak up; “if you two can’t be quiet then you should just get out”.
you pinch the bridge of your nose, grinding your teeth in motions which displays your irritation. no, it isn’t your tone, it’s your actions. your voice is simply soft, a whisper that could barely be heard even in the pin drop silence.
they both long to sneak in one last word, jeno can see it in the twitching of their facial muscles, but as to not upset you, they shut up. donghyuck huffs, storming his way out, unfortunately not taking the awkwardness of it all with him. it’s not long before jaemin exits as well, but not before he glances at you with simply.. grief.
renjun only continues his silence as a form of fear, jeno knows you wouldn’t, but he’s also aware that part of him is afraid to speak in fear of pissing you off.
you kick at the station in front of you, not hard, but it still earns a flinch. you suck your teeth, just barely registering jeno’s presence beside you. “i just need time to think..” you mutter, resting your head against the control panel.
there’s a beat of silence which prolongs. it’s too much of time, it’s as if your fate hangs in the air, something of an unknown future that none of you can control no matter how much you attempt to. there can’t be another failure, renjun and jeno know that enough, the glances they exchange only elevate that point.
“do you really think he’s just late to respond?” you ask, blinking away some sort of devastation behind your eyes. it’s less of saddening and more of terrifying, everyone remembers the mess which was project athena, how much of a terrible state the failure of the mission put you in, this is really your last shot at this, whether you’re aware or not.
“i hope not, i—”
“that’s not what i asked jen, please” you aren’t one to plead. jeno hates it, you’re usual carefree attitude accompanied by pride replaced by pure agony. jeno can’t give you a sure answer, because he doesn’t know, and the fact itself is enough to amplify his own anxiety.
his mouth twists. “..no” it seems you expected that answer, but the disappointment is still clear. “but i don’t know what could’ve possibly gone wrong”.
jeno catches the twitch of your left eye, and he allows for your head to fall onto his shoulder. “what if they were right?” you say, rising from your place, pupils blown out in a frightened manner. “what if it’s my fault and we never get to see him again? what if—”
“y/n” jeno doesn’t let you finish, he grabs your hands and soothes his thumbs over the soft skin. “don’t say that, we’re going to see him again” he hopes his expression conveys the.. truth in his words. “we will, swear”.
renjun opts to rub the back of your shoulder in an attempt to calm your nerves. you take in a deep breath, blinking downward towards the floor. “right, i’m not gonna stop trying..” you mutter, smoothing your hands over your face.
the truth is, the moment jisung left, everyone knew that this was possible, that failure could be on the horizon whenever, no matter your circumstances. it’s the slightest bit comforting to know that, offline or not, jisung is still out there. that means there’s also a possibility of bringing him back too.
jeno knows you’ll take any chance there is, it doesn’t matter how much you have to put into it.
<<< my battery is getting low.
<<< it’s cold, i’m going to sleep. just for a little bit..
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XIV.                     “ …the companions of our childhood always possess a certain power over our minds which hardly any later friend can obtain “.
that’s unfortunately easier said than done. you’ve been trying to contact jisung for three months, but the government isn’t going to fund a rescue mission to save something they don’t even deem alive, no matter the persuasion or the arguments put up against them.
project apollo was a success, prototype 205 served it’s purpose. there is no reason to organize a mission to rescue the android or the spacecraft it piloted, it’s all said and done.
one official asks jaemin, “can’t you just make a new one?”
he leaves the question without comment.
jaemin heard from fleeting whispers that doyoung decides to keep your position. interesting. he opts to locking himself in his own apartment for two weeks, practically sinking into his feat of isolation until you and renjun have to forcibly drag him out back to work then to your apartment.
he doesn’t verbalize his thanks, he instead decides to cook breakfast for all of you as his own silent appreciation.
sinking into work is mundane for you, and when jaemin slowly slips into similar habits, he can’t help but think of you.
good morning, i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you, i lov—
“seems like you need it” a cup of coffee is placed onto the table before him, and the dragging chair releases a cry as you take a seat. “please drink it” you plead, now much too used to the sight of jaemin’s frown.
he gives a glance, then, he smiles, not too big of a smile, simply a small one. it’s nice to be alone with you for once, just for a little while.. over coffee..
“too much caffeine, i might go crazy”.
“think it’s a little too late to be worrying about that one” you decide to respond, tapping onto the table in a specific pattern. you take jaemin’s hand into yours, examining his bare fingers. “i can get you a new one”.
“it’d be like replacing it” jisung would know.
there’s a certain look of distaste behind your eyes jaemin so wishes he could decipher, because for all his smarts, it feels that you’re specifically difficult to solve. he can’t decode you no matter how hard he tries.
a frown tugs at your lips, as if you’ve been in a difficult spot, you speak; “i’ll pay, just.. think about it”.
i won’t give up on him.
we won’t give up on him.
(“neptune is really your favorite?” jaemin inquired with a clear indication that it was an eye-opener for him. even jisung seemed surprised by such a revelation, his human like eyes blinking once, twice, thrice as you began chuckling at the shared expressions.
“what? did you not expect it or something?” you giggled, head tipping downward as you fixed the placement of your glasses. “it’s the planet i’m most interested in, even before my internship”.
jaemin recalls the manner in which jisung glanced over at him, the intrigue behind his eyes reminiscent of your very own. there was a warmth in his chest that he’s sure could never be replicated, not only due to jisung, but also due to you. he blinked as he ruffled the other’s hair, again staring your way. “it’s always been more about the robotics for me”.
there was a conflict in your expression. “are you telling me you don’t have a favorite planet?”
the playfulness of your expression betrayed the gravitas you attempted to display, because you really couldn’t contain your amusement, jisung blinked up at jaemin, sharing the confusion with you. “even jisung has one, have you really not thought about it?”
jaemin shook his head, now the one under speculation. “space is not a huge interest of mine”.
“that’s boring!” jisung whined, and your hum of agreement earned an eyebrow raise. jaemin’s gasp of offense was most definitely overdramatized, and jisung giggled at the expression. “it doesn’t have to be deep or anything, just pick one, my favorite is saturn..”
jaemin had to resist a coo at jisung’s irresistible charm, he again twirled a strand of jisung’s hair between his finger. “i guess.. venus?”
both you and jisung let out a synonymous groan, drawing a sigh of irritation from jaemin. “of course you picked the boring one” jisung mumbled, jaemin’s resounding gasp full of the vexation he felt.
“what is that supposed to mean!?”
“jisungie is calling you boring nana”.
jaemin allowed for his bottom lip to jut out, his arms folding over his chest in a feigned display of stubbornness as he heard jisung begin snickering.
and you? you were simply enamored. jaemin was too, but for a contrasting reason.)
jaemin looks up at you, your gaze trained on your now empty cup of coffee. the smell remains lingered in the air, jaemin hasn’t touched his yet, much too busy reminiscing on specific memories. you zone out much too easily, he snaps his fingers in front of your face, and you startle out of it. “why’d you dye your hair pink?”
there’s a childish curiosity lacing your tone, nail scratching at the metal surface of the table. jaemin keeps his hum light, his eyes traveling towards the model of the solar system, lasering on jupiter. fucking jupiter. “i like pink”.
you seem to enjoy that answer. “it’s pretty”.
jaemin unconsciously tenses, nails picking at his cuticles. “..thank you”.
he knows the sudden anxiety doesn’t go past you, nothing ever goes past you, it’s just the slightest bit frightening. the upward curve of your eyes imitates your very own smile, and you slide your chair backward, rising from your spot. “don’t worry, alright?”
jaemin isn’t sure it’s that easy, but for you, he’ll be sure to try.
he clears his throat, pulling you into a quick embrace that catches you off guard, if your small yelp is any indication. he can’t help the tightening of his arms, pressing himself against you in a moment of clarity. you chuckle into the air, reciprocating the affectionate gesture with your arms around his waist. “sorry, too surprising?” he mumbles into your shoulder.
he simply needed this.
“no, it’s alright, sometimes everyone needs a hug”.
jaemin squeezes again, taking a deep breath. he keeps silent for a while, remaining stuck to you as he collects his next few words. “i love you” he whispers, lips doing a downturn.
your eyebrow raises, and jaemin is sure you heard those words, because you chuckle again.
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XV.                     “ my spirit will sleep in peace; or if it thinks, it will not surely think thus. farewell “.
jisung’s birthday is on february fifth. when jeno inquired as to why, you stated that “he fits much of the aquarius qualities”.
jeno took the initiative to study it. aquarius is the eleventh astrological sign, originating from the eponymous constellation. it’s ruling planet is uranus. aquarius are famously innovative, creative, analytical, spirited, loyal, loyalty, you muttered it to him the first time everyone met jisung, when he asked you about his name, your nails tracing the spelling into the palm of his hand. he finds it nice how things like that come back around.
tonight, aquarius is in the night sky. aquarius is one of your favorite constellations (but now that jeno thinks about it, all of them seem to be your favorite). jisung has never been able to see it, he left for jupiter before the constellation would be present in the sky, but both you and jaemin made sure to inform him of its existence, with him being an aquarius.
jeno disappointedly watches as the hope quickly dissipates from both your and jaemin’s expressions the longer days go without a message from jisung. you haven’t given up just yet, you’ll never give up on jisung, you told jeno that yourself.
project apollo remains running, the spacecraft is all intact, but there hasn’t been an update on jisung at all. the visible unhappiness gracing your features is upsetting, jeno can’t recall the last time you were so down, your usual cheerfulness no longer around to comfort him.
donghyuck tries his best, managing to squeeze a few well deserved giggles out of you. there seems to be something off with jaemin, he avoids eye contact with you in the most not jaemin like way possible, strange. in contrast to him, renjun is much more.. well.. willing to approach.
really, jeno guesses it must be obvious by now, and jeno doesn’t just mean renjun. he means him, donghyuck, jaemin, all of them alike, they don’t have to repeat it for all of them to know how it feels.
donghyuck has slowly hinted to jeno over the years since he’s joined, but he never acts upon it. jeno never knew why, he always thought the headstrong, perverse donghyuck would take up such a challenge, yet he never attempted. he assumed that you and donghyuck would be a pretty good match.
but he only ever thought that because he assumed it would quell his own jealousy.
renjun could never hide it well enough, his easy blushing stuttering words gave it away pretty quickly. it wasn’t even a week after his initial arrival that he probably realized.
jaemin.. jaemin was always the hardest to decode for jeno. maybe the bonding over robots, and by proxy, the creation of jisung, was what caused the enchantment. jeno can’t even find it in himself to be possessive or jealous of any sort, he just.. gets it. jaemin is captivated by every single one of your actions, jeno has never been able to share such a feeling with a person.
renjun’s cheek presses against the window, gaze trained on the barely visible stars in the sky. you hum the familiar tune of ‘shining star’ by earth wind and fire, engrossed in the song you’ve become so accustomed to. jeno knows why, he recalls you uttering; “it’s a classic, got me through university and this stupid internship..”
jeno finds your descriptions of things, even the things that usually don’t matter, to be so beautiful.
“words are just so great, you know? i can call anything pretty, beautiful, amazing, prepossessing, it’s just so.. fitting”.
jeno adores you, adores your heart and your soul and your fondness towards the weirdest of adjectives.
jeno taps in rhythm with your humming, the lyrics aren’t sung, but he can still picture them in his mind.
you’re a shining star
no matter who you are
shining bright to see
what you could truly be
you’re a shining star..
“should we go stargazing?”
instantly donghyuck perks up, his hair all over the place. jeno chuckles at the sight, reaching over to put at least some of the strands back in place. “what time is it?” he mumbles, staring down at his bare wrist, no watch in sight.
“twenty minutes to midnight” jaemin replies, glancing over at the window, squinting in an attempt to get a better view of the constellations. “doesn’t seem like a bad idea”.
“aquarius is in the night sky”.
right, renjun’s constellation knowledge is easily comparative to yours. you slip on a sweater as you tap donghyuck on the shoulder, then intertwining your fingers with jeno’s. “oh don’t tell me we’re going to sneak up?”
there’s a fitting expression of amusement gracing your features, but you don’t respond, simply humming.
jaemin doesn’t put up much of a fight, renjun seems enthralled by such an idea, jeno is aware that he often sneaks up onto the roof to watch the stars from time to time, donghyuck makes brash comments every few minutes, but it’s clear he doesn’t care, sneaking around is probably his favorite past time (jeno knows much more than he wishes to).
“shit, much colder than i thought it would be” jaemin mutters, again avoiding eye contact with you as you give a small chuckle. “jisung would complain”.
“why do you sound annoyed? you’re the one who programmed that!”
“i didn’t! he just naturally does that! he’s like a child..”
you push at jaemin’s shoulder, yelping as you watch him stumble. donghyuck snorts, pointing at the sight with pure amusement. “please don’t die, you know doyoung would be pissed” jeno whispers, jaemin stays glaring (but can it even be called a glare with the love behind his eyes?)
renjun keeps his hands settled in his lap as he stares upward. “really? only because doyoung would be pissed?”
“you know he doesn’t want any bad associated with the lab’s name”.
“if only he knew” donghyuck clicks his tongue, tilting his head as he rubs his eyes.
jeno’s squint, and his lips take an upturn. he can just barely make out the shape of a water bearer in the sky, someone pouring water out of a jug. huh, aquarius really is pretty.
the shine from the stars reflects in your widened pupils. you blink, then you snicker at something unsaid. “think jisung would like this one..”
jeno’s eyebrows furrow, yet he keeps his face still, still enough that you won’t pick up on the falter of his expression. you hum once again, swinging your legs back and forth.
“i miss him”.
it’s an admittedly strange claim. everybody knows already, the honesty shouldn’t be a surprising factor. there’s less of a tremble in your tone and more of a simple scratch, a rasp in your voice which can be attributed to your days spent staring at a control screen with no reply.
jeno leans against you, letting the warmth encapsulate him as he watches you smile peripherally. jaemin merely sighs, clearly sharing such emotions.
jeno’s smile grows when you nudge him, pointing upward at a shooting star.
“pretty huh?”
jeno doesn’t respond, not exactly focused on the stars, just you.
32 notes · View notes
kiiyunz · 10 months ago
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posted⠀by⠀junjiie⠀⠀⸻⠀⠀8th April,⠀2O24.
No-one’s journey through idol life is going to be all sunshine & rainbows, and that’s a fact I think we should all make peace with as soon as possible. If you’re going to type out a comment screaming bloody murder about how your favourite’s whole career has been nothing but shiny and perfect, then all I have to say to you is that I’m sure there’s been a whole number of not-shiny and not-perfect things going on when the cameras are off. Sorry. It’s just the truth. Probably. But I’m not here to talk about your favourite, I’m here to talk about mine. So, without further ado, strap yourself in for a run-down of IM KIHYUN throughout the years of NCT DREAM’s career—ranked on a three point scale: the GOOD, the BAD, and of course, the REALLY, REALLY UGLY.
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CHEWING GUM 2016 FRUIT PUNCH & BUBBLE MIXTURE
15-YEAR-OLD-KIHYUN had three lines in their debut single, a yellow hoverboard, and a dream—literally, considering the name of his unit. He was every bit the mood maker most people know him as today, filled to the brim with excitement and a sense of self-confidence that some people may have thought he would’ve lacked. While he hadn’t fully settled into himself just yet, still had voice cracks, and acne breakouts he’d stubbornly refuse to be filmed with while suffering through, and bouts of clumsiness that would leave him with bruises all over his elbows and plasters on his knees, for the most part it felt like he was an experienced performer rather than a just-arrived rookie. Most people immediately took a liking to him, and although his popularity wasn’t as sky-high as some of his fellow members, the fans he did have were a force to be reckoned with right from the start.
But whether you loved him or hated him, the one thing that everyone seemed to take notice of was the way he just looked like he loved performing on every single occasion, putting everything he had into every stage even with the little amount of time he was given to show off both himself & his budding talent to the people watching. His stage presence was compared to a breath of fresh air on a summer’s day, the wide grin he aimed at the cameras at any given opportunity one that aimed to brighten the mood of anyone witnessing it, and the enthusiasm with which he delivered his lines was something that even the harshest of critics could give a nod of acknowledgement to. Altogether, it’s widely agreed that CHEWING GUM for Kihyun was a GOOD era, on our three point scale.
MY FAVOURITE MOMENT: MU-BEYOND
Kihyun very obviously and very fiercely despising the way his hair was styled for one of the photoshoots, and making no attempt to hide it. As soon as the camera flashes stopped, gone was his sunshine smile, and in its place was a look that, if they could kill, would have put the photographer six feet under (even if the poor man would’ve had no say in how it was styled in the first place). While a few of the other members were enjoying themselves on the glossy pink bouncing balls they were perched on, as soon as it was announced they were done Kihyun was shooting up and making a runner for the bathroom, shooting the camera a glare and tugging on a few strands of his hair as he went. Chenle could be seen cracking up in the near background, creased over from the force of his laughter. Kihyun yelled something back at him, but whatever it was was drowned out by the editors with the persistent ‘Chew-chew-chew-chew chewing gum’ over the top of the footage, seemingly growing a little louder in order to hide his words.
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THE FIRST 2017 BAD HAIR & BASKETBALL
(STILL) 15-YEAR-OLD-KIHYUN had blue frosted tips and a tendency to get distracted on the music video set, far more interested in shooting hoops than dancing around in the school band-like outfit they were being made to wear and singing about being in head-over-heels in love with his teacher. He was still every bit the burst of energy he was previously, still throwing his all into everything he did, but it was obvious to some he’d rather be doing other things if he could. The whole riding-cardboard-cars-around was something he loved, though, and he stated more than once that was his favourite part by a mile. Kihyun was mostly the same as he was during the CHEWING GUM era in terms of performance, confidence, and the like—although it was noted by most that there was a little less of his occasional clumsiness, more stability in himself than there was previously. His popularity grew alongside the group’s, his consistent charm and apparent natural talent to draw people in appealing to many a new fan.
He slowly began to make more of a presence online during the MY FIRST AND LAST era, also. Posting both little messages and various photos of himself & the members (mainly in embarrassing positions, such as being half-asleep or making weird faces) on Twitter, interacting with fans whenever he could, and dragging out conversations for as long as he was allowed at fansigns, until the poor person in front of him was practically dragged along to the next member. And when there were more sides of him being shown to the public (and the internet, especially), there were more people waiting to pick apart every piece of him. While his popularity grew, the amount of people against him shot up in numbers, too. It wasn’t overwhelmingly bad, but there were a fair few who accused him of trying to take the spotlight too often, or being ungrateful for the opportunities he was being given after they’d heard the few comments he’d made here and there about the comeback’s concept not being his favourite. Still, despite these lower moments, there were still more pros than cons, and so MY FIRST AND LAST is another era ranked GOOD for Kihyun.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: MFAL FIRST WIN
He was so caught up in tugging at the various buttons and pins stuck onto his ugly blazer that he barely heard the MC announcing their win until all the other members were jumping around and crying and patting each other on the back. Kihyun himself didn’t cry until backstage, when it finally hit him properly that they’d actually won, so in the moment he was more so just a little confused and dazed than anything else as he celebrated with the rest, not-so-subtly trying to take the trophy out of Mark’s hands while he made his speech so he could get a better look at it, wrapping Jeno in a hug so tight it left them both wheezing, trying to jump on Jisung’s back in an attempt to get him to cheer up, and also making a whole host of excited gestures and faces over at the members of 127 across the stage.
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WE YOUNG  2017 FUN IN THE SUN!
KIHYUN (NOW 16) loved every second of this era, and that was something you could make out from space. Even with his now-pink-streaked hair and sailor outfits they were being made to wear, he declared the music from the WE YOUNG era as his favourite thus far. It was just pure fun, simple as that. He enjoyed every performance they did, sang all his lines with a grin so wide it nearly split his lips, was as playful as ever with all the members, and simply let loose a little more, losing himself in the music rather than what people were saying about it. Despite him not overly loving the whole sailor concept, fans were of the opinion that he was one of the ones that pulled it off the best, and so he begrudgingly posted photos of him in the get-up as often as he could—to an overwhelmingly positive response every time. The public noticed that, while still not fully grown, Kihyun’s self-confidence seemed to be at an all-time-high. He really did look like he was just happy to be there, and his supporters couldn’t have been more glad about it.
What also made his fans happy was his amount of lines getting a boost. He’d consistently been receiving around three or four, five at a stretch, but now it was reaching into the sixes and sevens—which, really, was barely an upgrade, but it made a world of difference to fans of his. It gave him more of a chance to show off his vocal ability, and brought more attention to him from both the public & critics. It also just made him happy, to be able to spend more than ten minutes in the recording studio, to be given more of a chance to show off how he’d grown and improved so far (even if he still thought he had a ways to go before he reached the level of his role models, his own idols). WE YOUNG was yet another GOOD era for Kihyun by miles, with barely any pitfalls in sight, and probably his highest so far.
MY FAVOURITE  MOMENT: COMEBACK SHOWCASE
He was jumping all over the stage throughout every performance, throwing everything he had (and probably more) into every line he sang and every move he executed. It was clear he was trying his hardest to contain himself, trying not to scream every one of his lines into the mic or trip himself up, but it was also clear he was struggling. He was also as clingy as anything towards the rest, always hanging off of someone’s back or linking their arms together while they were walking. There was never a shot of him without a smile on his face, never anything he did that made it feel like he’d rather be elsewhere. His enthusiasm and excitement was almost infectious, leaking out of the screen to put a smile on the face of whoever was watching along.
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WE GO UP  2018 BREAKDANCING & BEANIES
NEARLY-ADULT (AKA.. 17-YEAR-OLD) KIHYUN seemed to be reaching for maturity a little too fast, fingers outstretched towards his eighteenth birthday and desperate for the months to pass by just a little faster. He had decided, somewhere along the line, that he was ready to be rid of the cuter concept the group was intended to present, and was more than ready for a switch-up. And while WE GO UP wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for, there was certainly less of the more childish aspects that were seen in their previous releases—which was both an acknowledgement of all the members growing older and also something that served as a reminder of Mark’s upcoming graduation from the group, which Kihyun would’ve rather done anything but think about. Still, while he didn’t put as much of his all into it as he had done in the past, he still put a fair amount of effort into the lines he was given (which were lessened once again, to the disappointment of many) and choreography they were made to learn. Fans noted that his personal style was beginning to develop in the WE GO UP era, their suspicions of Kihyun dressing himself confirmed when he mentioned here and there that most of his non-schedule outfits were his own.
The introduction of Bubble helped to boost Kihyun’s online presence, something that had fluctuated from era-to-era thus far (his highest amount of interactions previously being within the MY FIRST AND LAST era), and while he didn’t use it all the time, he still made an effort to communicate regularly with those who’d signed up when he could. He shared his inner reasonings on his online presence with those who were asking—saying that if he didn’t like the concept of the comeback too much he would compensate by being online and able to interact more. It’s a rule he’s mostly stuck with over the years, and fans have now said it’s easy to tell when Kihyun hates a concept because they’ll wake up with three new Twitter posts and ten times as many Bubble updates. So on the whole, although it was definitely on the lower end of the spectrum, WE GO UP is considered yet another GOOD era for Kihyun—making that a four-long streak (that—apologies for spoilers—was going to be broken fairly soon).
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: FIRST SOLO LIVE
It was, to put it plainly, a little bit all over the place. He held it in his dorm room, half asleep but still managing to be every bit the charismatic personality most people knew and loved him for. He answered any questions threw at him with total honesty, didn’t hold his tongue when talking about various subjects that others may have (namely his personal thoughts & opinions on the comeback as whole—this live was where many found out he didn’t like it as much as they thought he did), and also showed a side to him that the majority hadn’t been able to see as much of before. He gave song recommendations, spoke about those who inspired him—both in a music and fashion sense—and altogether shared lots of fun facts that had been unknown to most previously.
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WE BOOM  2019 RADIO SILENCE
18-YEAR-OLD-KIHYUN was noticeably.. Different. While Mark’s graduation had hit all of the remaining seven hard, the other six still at least pushed on and tried to act as if things were fine as normal, carrying on as most expected them to. Kihyun, however, had seemed to undergo a complete personality shift. He was withdrawn, quieter than he’d ever been—barely offering anything up in conversations or interviews even when prompted, barely any footage of him in behind-the-scenes content because he made next to no contributions to it; always preferring to stay in the background, on his phone with his headphones on and trying to ignore the cameras following them around. Public opinion of him was also beginning to slip further into the red, following leaked photos of him at an undisclosed individual’s party getting cosy with an unnamed and non-idol slightly older male just after the release of the mini-album—photos that went unaddressed by both the company and Kihyun himself. His name was starting to grow in infamy rather than popularity, but the boy himself didn’t really seem to care.
All traces of Kihyun on social media seemed to go completely cold, barely any updates from him that weren’t group photos or content. From the whole era there were a measly two Twitter posts from him, and his Bubble subscribers got refunded more often than not. But while he was refraining from making any posts, news websites and anonymous users were more than happy to leak more and more photos of him—always with the same boy, always at a party, or at a club, or just generally anywhere that looked a little shady to the hundreds of thousands that saw it. Rumours began to spread about a drinking problem, about a shady boyfriend, about countless things that painted Kihyun in a type of light that he’d previously avoided like the plague, but Kihyun himself made no attempt to defend himself, and so they only got wilder. It’s unanimously decided that the BOOM is the first (but certainly not the last) of Kihyun’s BAD eras.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: JENO LIVE
The then-blonde took it upon himself to disregard all the rumours spreading about his dongsaeng—although not in a direct way. He was careful with his words, as well-spoken as he always is, but made sure to especially shut down the accusations of Kihyun turning into some reckless party animal, taking the former leader’s graduation so bad he turned to less-than-ideal ways to cope. “Kyunnie isn’t like that, and never will be,” was what he told his audience, and many noted the flat look on his face. After the captain had, many of the others took their turn to come to Kihyun’s defence—mostly always with vague comments, but statements nonetheless. Chenle’s response in particular was deemed to be one of the most direct, replying to a comment while on live with a simple “You don’t know Kihyun like that” and then ending the live not long afterwards, leaving the conversation at that and somewhat encouraging the people speculating to do the same.
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RELOAD  2020 CLIFF DROPS & HARMFUL HABITS
NOW 19, KIHYUN seemed to be at something of his lowest point thus far. While he made more public appearances, more attempts to join in with behind-the-scenes content (or just extra content in general), most concluded it was the result of management telling him he had to, rather that Kihyun himself choosing to do so—and his return only gave more opportunities for those looking to find all the things wrong with the once-charismatic & energy-filled vocalist. And to make matters worse for him, more information had been dug up on his newfound non-idol friends (or rather, the one boy in particular that everyone wanted to know about). Oh Jinwoo, he had been discovered to be called, something of an influencer-like figure known more often than not for his whole host of partners over the years and tendency to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. You could say that you could only imagine what this did to Kihyun’s public image (which was practically halfway ruined by that point already), but there was no need for imagination—practically everyone witnessed his fall from the (mostly Korean) public’s good books, yet nobody could do anything about it. It felt like every day there was another article released leaking more photos and spreading more rumours about whatever dark web Kihyun was tangling himself in, but still the company made no move to stop them. 
It was also during the RIDIN era that Kihyun was rumoured to have started up the habit of smoking, with (albeit blurry) photos released to support the claims. This did absolutely nothing to help his reputation, tanking it further. His future was starting to look a little uncertain, questions being raised over whether his actions as of lately would warrant either a hiatus or removal from the group completely. He might’ve delivered all his lines as fine as normal, danced along with the rest in the same practised & efficient manner he always did, but talent didn’t mean much when placed on a scale against damaging the whole group’s image, rather than just his own. When people began to turn their nasty comments and endless gossip onto the other members, Kihyun was starting to look like more of a hindrance than a crucial member. It is, without a doubt, agreed by all that RIDIN was a REALLY, REALLY UGLY era.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: KIHYUN LIVE
It was short, it was vague, and it was still very obvious he was nowhere near to feeling like his normal self, but Kihyun himself did come forward to address a few things—mainly the smoking incident, which he admitted to be true and said that while he was trying to put a stop to it completely, habits like that were hard to quit. After the negative comments began to override the positive & supportive ones, he was quick to shut it off again and return to what was becoming his frighteningly normal status of radio silent. Still, it was something—and far more than anything SM gave, at that. Other members were also quick to dismiss or shut down any comments they saw on their own lives discussing Kihyun and his future of the group, all that they said mostly being along the simple and short lines of “Kihyun’s staying with us” and not elaborating any further.
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HOT SAUCE  2021 A START
20 YEARS OF AGE. Mark was back, their permanence as a group was finally confirmed, the graduation system having been abolished, and all eight of them were together again. After five whole years of being active they were finally releasing a full album, and getting the chance to do it the way they all wanted. But while things were happier in that regard, Kihyun’s situation was far from forgotten. Fans of his were relieved nothing had been done about his place in the group—even if a few solo stans wanted him out just as much as those who hated him did, for the sake of his own wellbeing rather than them holding any ill-will towards the other members—but public opinion of him was still mostly in the red. Things were again starting to feel like they were hitting a dead-end: with Kihyun’s presence sort of.. Drifting. Sometimes he’d be absent for a group live, sometimes he’d go silent on all social media for weeks with his only comeback usually being his presence in the background of another member’s photos. Everything was looking just as uncertain as they had during the RIDIN era—until Kihyun once again started a solo live with the simple title of ‘an explanation’ and proceeded to do just that: explain.
Most suspected he didn’t divulge all the details, but the run-down was this: he’d met Jinwoo at some party or other, and they’d gotten just as close as all the leaked photos and gossipy articles made them out to be (although, again, some thought them to be far closer). He’d led Kihyun into a little bit of a rebellious era, what he called his ‘chance to be young and reckless’ since he’d mostly missed out on it, what with all his years of both diligent training & as an active idol. While he admitted on the broadcast that it was fun for a while, he was also realising the damage it was doing to both himself & his fellow members, so attempted to cut contact with his newfound friend—to no avail, for a few months, as they had more than a few periods of arguments both over the phone and in person. He said he’d only officially completely cut Jinwoo off a few weeks before the live, and shared with something of a wistful smile that he didn’t plan to get in touch with him any more now that he was gone. His viewers were overjoyed to hear this, and the members shared the sentiment—but Kihyun still had a ways to go before he was back to being a generally accepted fan-favourite. Despite him taking his first steps towards being back to his usual self, HOT SAUCE is still considered a BAD era for the vocalist.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: MARK INSTAGRAM POST
It was a three-slide-long affair that was posted not too long after Kihyun’s live. The first was a selfie of himself & a sleeping Kihyun, one of the rapper’s arms gently holding the vocalist to his side while he grinned wide into the camera. The second, a solo shot of Kihyun’s face up close to the camera, tongue out and peace sign just barely visible in one of the corners, what with most of the frame being taken up by the odd expression he was pulling. The third slide was a short video, only ten seconds or so long, of Kihyun and him on the dorm’s sofa, the audio consisting of the tail-end of Mark’s voice making a joke mostly unintelligible to the viewers that was quickly followed by Kihyun’s pure & unfiltered laughter as he cracked up at whatever the Dream leader had said. He was creased over, one hand repeatedly hitting Mark’s knee as the other held his stomach, breath coming out in jerky and uneven gasps as he tried to recover. The caption was made up of two words: ‘my KD.’ 
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HELLO FUTURE  2021 COTTON CANDY & BACK TO NORMAL
STILL 20, BUT NOW SEEMING MUCH HAPPIER, by the time HELLO FUTURE era rolled around Kihyun felt to most like he’d healed fully from what had then been a period a month shy of two years worth of the continuous cycle of being somewhat of a public enemy. People thought it was the combination of getting the truth about all that had happened off his chest, the continuous support of his members both in Dream and in NCT as a whole, and the seemingly infectious happy mood that came with the HELLO FUTURE era that managed to finally get Kihyun back on his feet, and with him he was bringing performances reminiscent of how full of joy and excited he’d been during the WE YOUNG era, smile wide on his face in every shot and dancing filled to the brim with passion. He even made more of an effort to make appearances on social media—contradictory to the rule he’d made during the WE GO UP era of only being constantly online during concepts he wasn’t too fond of. He gave happy little updates every once in a while, paired with smiling selcas both alone & with the other members, was as talkative as most remembered him to be before what some had started to dub ‘the dark ages’ during any group lives they held, and even crashed a few of the member’s solo lives every now and again.
His change was noticed easily, and was one that began to slowly turn the tides of public opinion on him once again. The comments made about him being someone who was bringing the group down and ruining their reputation with his recklessness were slowly lessening, being replaced with positive ones, and soon enough his popularity was starting to grow again, instead of the countless hate trains and calls for him to be kicked out. Kihyun was well on the way (if not mostly there already) to being completely fine again, even apparently feeling well enough to make more than a few jokes at his own expense here and there about staying far, far away from any parties held by a friend-of-a-friend in the future. HELLO FUTURE was the light (or rather.. Rainbow?) at the end of the tunnel for Kihyun, and so it was considered his first GOOD era after the nearly two years of BAD (with one REALLY, REALLY UGLY, at his lowest) ones.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: MV REACTION
Kihyun was seated next to Chenle, which could only really mean trouble—as it always did whenever the pair were within two metres of one another. They were cracking jokes every two seconds, falling all over one another with laughter and unable to shut up for even a minute. The rest paused the video more times to tell them to keep it together than they did for them to comment on anything actually happening in the MV, but you could tell from a mile away that they didn’t really mind in the slightest, more happy to see Kihyun laughing and smiling again than anything. They also all made sure to cheer the loudest when the vocalist’s solo scene appeared on screen, and then proceeded to (lovingly) make fun of him when his ears uncharacteristically went bright red at the praise being showered upon him, although he tried to get over it quickly and return back to his self-confidence-filled self.
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GLITCH MODE  2022 VIDEO GAMES & B-BOYING IN PROGRESS
NOW FULLY BACK ON TRACK (& FRESHLY 21), Kihyun was ready to throw his all into their second full album. He was as good as new, his overwhelming feeling of excitement for every track recorded and released as clear as day. He even (again) broke his no-contact rule a few times just to relay how much he thought fans were going to love the album, posting spoilers as often as possible and revealing as much as he could get away with before it dropped. When it was released, he was practically talking about it non stop, chattering away on all platforms about the styling, the stages, the music, how fun it was, how much he was enjoying himself—the list went on. He declared the GLITCH MODE era to be his favourite, point blank, no matter how much he liked anything they would go on to release in the future. Public opinion of him was mostly completely smoothed over by that point, and his personal fan base was growing with every passing piece of content that was released. He seemed at his complete happiest, throwing everything he had and more into every single thing he did during promotions & extra content.
The GLITCH MODE era was also when he opened his personal Instagram account, his first post being a picture of him and Jeno glued to each other’s sides in a setting people assumed to be the SM building, with the caption ‘my favourite colleague.’ His follower count rose quickly, and is currently sitting at a comfortable 4.8M, mostly in the middle of Jisung and Chenle’s own numbers. Since then his account has become a home to photos that at times feel more like an exhibition of all the other Dream members (and his closer friends from the other units also) than anything involving himself, nonsensical lives that usually occur at the early hours of the morning where Kihyun—either alone or together with whoever decides to either join the live or join Kihyun himself wherever he’s holding it—has free reign to chatter on about whatever he pleases, although most of the time when he’s alone it turns into an impromptu radio hour where he takes the chance to talk about his favourite recent albums & artists, as well as listening to any recommendations his viewers give him. Slowly beginning to recover his streak, GLITCH MODE is seen as another GOOD era for Kihyun.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: MV BEHIND
Kihyun had decided that he was going to properly get into breakdancing during the GLITCH MODE era, and saw no better place than his solo interview moment in the behind-the-scenes video to show off the moves he’d begun to learn. At first he just spoke about how excited he was for the comeback, with Mark hanging off of his back and chiming in with comments of his own here and there, but after a couple minutes of that he was shrugging the leader off of him and telling the camera to “Watch this!” before launching into an impromptu downrock routine while Mark watched on in horror, looking a little like he was on the verge of a seizure even if Kihyun was perfectly fine. He also tried to do a headstand, and by that point Jeno had also wandered over to see what all the fuss was about, and viewers had the pleasure of watching both the leader and captain attempt to stop Kihyun from giving himself a concussion—the latter looking like he was about to burst into tears, and the former looking as if he was seconds away from collapsing.
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BEATBOX 2022 BOOMBOXES & MAKESHIFT ENGLISH LESSONS
21, AND, IN HIS WORDS, “IN HIS PRIME,” the vocalist & dancer took to BEATBOX like a duck to water. While it wasn’t a huge favourite of his, he still liked it well enough and had enough fun on both the sets of the music video and all the photoshoots that accompanied the release to make up for it. The choreography was also a favourite for him in particular, and he practised it so much he could be seen absently dancing along to it whenever he stood still for too long in almost all of the extra content both before & after the release. It was practically ingrained in him, all of it coming to him like muscle memory. He swore up and down he could do the BEATBOX choreo tied up and blindfolded by the end of the era, although he was far from complaining, dragging every idol he vaguely knew (and even ones he hadn’t even introduced himself to) to do the challenge with him backstage at all the music shows they attended. Hardly anyone was safe from Kihyun’s pleading eyes and charming smile, and fans joked they’d seen more of Kihyun on TikTok doing dance challenges than they had seen him on any other platform from all of his past eras combined.
He was also noted for his sudden unexpected closeness with Jaemin in the BEATBOX era. While they were far from just acquaintances, and had expressed their shared love for one another multiple times in the past (even after their not-really-fight they’d shared in their trainee years, the story of which Kihyun had retold during a live with Jeno and could barely get though sentences of without laughing at how ridiculous it sounded all those years later), he just seemed a little closer, a little clingier in all of the behind-the-scenes content; hanging off of his arm or dragging im off somewhere to talk about something or other. When asked about it somewhere, he simply shrugged with a big grin on his face. “I just like Jaemin-hyung,” was all he said at the time, but later in an Instagram post of the two on the set of the music video he had written the caption ‘please give me lots of love—and lots of followers too!’ with a whole array of heart emojis to accompany it, to which Jaemin commented with a lot of laughter and promising he’d bring his dongsaeng all the Instagram fame he seemed to desire. Now most definitely building his streak back up, BEATBOX was a GOOD era for Kihyun all-around.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: UNBOXING BEATBOX ALBUM
Sat with Donghyuck, Renjun, and Mark, Kihyun was tearing off the cellophane packaging of the album before the rest could even greet the camera, practically desperate to look through the photobook and (most importantly, so he could add it to his ever-growing collection of all the photocards he owned of his fellow members) see who he’d pulled. He yelled out in delight and brandished his brand-new Jaemin PC at the camera, before almost immediately pulling out his phone and prying off the case to slip it into the back of it (covering up the GLITCH MODE era Mark he’d pulled the last time they’d done an unboxing, much to the leader’s dismay). After that was done with, he started spending an unnecessarily long amount of time pouring over each page of the photobook, trying to think of English adjectives to describe them with and then distracting Mark from his own unboxing in order to get him to whisper them in his ear when he couldn’t think of how to translate them. ‘Hot’ and Jaemin’s practically-trademarked ‘Sexy’ was what he ended up coming out with the most.
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CANDY  2022 EARMUFFS & CHRISTMAS KARAOKE
CHRISTMAS AT 21 was a very merry affair for Kihyun. He was as festive as could be, even wrangling Renjun and Jisung into buying a fake tree for their dorm that he decorated in a (very chaotic, and very loud) Christmas live a few days before the release of the EP. That seemed like the extent of his social media updates, though, only really appearing after that in group Twitter posts or lives (or occasionally the background of another member’s picture)—but this wasn’t all bad, seeing as it confirmed to most that he enjoyed the colourful and fun winter concept they were going with for the release. The only other real proper online presence he had was the random flurry of Bubble messages his subscribers would receive concerning his ranting and raving about his personal favourites from H.O.T.’s discography, seeing as he took it upon himself to listen to more of them because it was one of their songs they were remaking. Fans took delight in Kihyun’s wide smiles and overall joyful mannerism as he delivered lines about leaving his partner for another, saying his always-cheerful disposition made his performance of the title track all the more enjoyable.
In behind-the-scenes & extra content, Kihyun’s Christmas spirit felt infectious to viewers. There wasn’t a moment where he wasn’t belting out the lyrics to Christmas classics from all countries (even if he had to hold his phone up to Mark’s face on occasion and get him to help him with the pronunciation of some of the lyrics), or dancing around to something only he could hear in his head, or picking up some of the fake-snow they sprinkled around on a few of their sets and chucking it in Chenle’s face before sprinting in the other direction while the Chinese vocalist immediately gave chase, and the rest could only stand and watch it all play out. Now matching his previous four-long streak, CANDY is agreed to be yet another GOOD era for the vocalist.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: PACKING CANDY ALBUM
He was in Mark, Jisung, and Chenle’s group, and spent most of the time chucking baubles at Chenle, trying to balance the various items placed before them on the table on Jisung’s head & shoulders without him noticing, and steadily making his way through the whole rack of Chupa Chups sitting right beside him unattended rather than doing anything with the actual box in front of him. Mark took over the job for him in the end, leaving him to pretty much do whatever he pleased in the meantime (one of those things was repaying the favour Mark did him by tying him in bows with the ribbon that their boxes had come wrapped in, the leader making faces while he did so but doing absolutely nothing to stop him at the same time).
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ISTJ 2023 MBTI FRAUD & IMPULSE DECISIONS
22-YEAR-OLD-KIHYUN was as energetic as ever, full of ideas and eager to get all of them heard. ISTJ was the album where he received the most writing credits, recorded as having helped with the lyrics for all tracks bar Like We Just Met and Blue Wave. Fans liked to see that he was showing a more creative side of himself this era, and that he was vocal about all the things he’d had input in or had helped shape into the final form, polishing it to perfection for their third full album. He was most noticeably supportive in their behind-the-scenes recording videos, where he got through all of his own sessions quickly & efficiently (but with no lack of passion and enthusiasm for the lines he was given—which most were happy to see were more than usual, similar to the WE YOUNG era in terms of numbers, even occasionally soaring a few higher) and then stayed in to listen to all of his other fellow members, cheering them on from behind the glass and dancing around as they recorded, greeting them with a wide hug and endless amounts of praise when they left the booth.
Another thing that was enjoyable for fans was his complete lack of awareness of what an MBTI actually was. He’d heard of them, of course, but he’d never gone as far as to take a test and find out for himself. So Kihyun, curious to see what the fuss was all about, turned on an Instagram live, propped his phone up against his desk, switched his laptop on, and took one there and then. He consulted with viewers about every single one of the questions, taking far too long to complete it than any normal person would-and, when he finally did, disagreeing with his result right up until he saw other people that shared his MBTI. He shut up pretty quick when he scrolled down a little more and saw that he apparently had the same one as Adele, changing his tune almost instantly and saying his result was the best of them all. Officially bumping his longest-running streak up to five, ISTJ was most definitely a GOOD era for Kihyun.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: MV BEHIND
He was clearly in his element, bouncing around from member to member to play with their hair or jump onto their back or whisper something in their ear before bursting out into a fit of snickers and running off again to see who else he could bother. He played photographer for most of their Instagram posts, taking the outtakes or moments where they had an eye closed or just clearly weren’t ready for his own feed, started a playfight with Jisung and nearly tripped himself up on a stray wire in the process, brought his own mini Bluetooth speaker to set one day so he could have a soundtrack while he caused his chaos, and attempted to show off more tricks he was learning, but was quickly stopped by Mark, who, as soon as he saw him getting in position for what looked like a cartwheel of some sort, was rushing over faster than light—his breakdancing routine from the GLITCH MODE era still very much as the forefront of his mind.
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DREAM()SCAPE 2024 MOCKTAILS & ODD-LOOKING FRUITS
AGAIN FRESH OFF A BIRTHDAY (HIS 23RD THIS TIME), the vocalist felt just as excited for the release as he had for GLITCH MODE, even if it wasn’t a full album. It was calling back to their debut days, making a statement through all of the symbolism and hidden messages that was louder than any of them could convey with words, and was altogether a project that hoped to show to everyone how strong their bond actually was, to convince the few out there that were of the opposite opinion that they all loved one another throughout the thick and thin their eight years of being an active subunit, and weren’t likely to stop anytime soon. Kihyun was like Jisung in regards to all the fan-theories being made about the teasers, keeping his mouth mostly shut (although some thought that was just because he was barely on social media as it was), but did comment on some things in particular—namely Jeno’s back, the Jaemin trailer that had him locking eyes with the camera even in between a crowd, and the Chenle pill-biting scene. He kept quiet on his own, making brief comments about how cool he thought he looked on Bubble but not saying much otherwise.
The few things he did share about the comeback were mostly about the music. He had writing credits for the majority of the songs, but also had another piece of news that was exciting for him as a longtime personal goal he’d had for a good while—and that was that he’d assisted with the production on one of the tracks. Most that knew Kihyun knew that music production had been one of his interests since he knew what it was, and so naturally that meant they knew what some of his work in the production area actually getting used in an official release would mean to him. He couldn’t have been happier about it, and that happiness was a sentiment both the members and his closer friends outside of Dream shared with him, mentioning it in passing when talking about DREAM()SCAPE. Even if it only just ended, SMOOTHIE is considered yet another—making this his sixth in a row since ‘the dark ages’—GOOD era for Kihyun.
MY  FAVOURITE  MOMENT: DREAM()SCAPE COUPLE SONG MEETING
Amidst all the chaos, Kihyun was surprisingly quiet. He looked half-asleep for most of the meeting; Jamiroquai baseball cap backwards on his head, eyes drooping closed every now and again, and a thick sweater on that he kept pulling closer to himself as if he wanted it to suddenly transform into a blanket. The only thing he did the whole meeting was play Cooking Mama on his phone (we know this because he shared screenshots of his finished dishes on Bubble afterwards) and vouch for Carat Cake—yes, you heard that right, Carat Cake. The song that most of the members bar maybe Donghyuck acted as if it didn’t exist. He didn’t really care if it wasn’t a couple song, and didn’t really care if it didn’t get picked, either—he just wanted it to be known that was where his vote lay. It was his favourite song on the EP, and hoped that somewhere out there there’d be people that liked it just as much as him. At some point in the middle he got bored with both his phone and the arguments still going on in front of him, so he nestled his head in his arms and attempted to have a nap. Which, predictably, didn’t work that well. By the end of it he was still dead tired, still the only one that liked Carat Cake, but also the only one who had three stars on his Cooking Mama carbonara, and so he considered himself the real winner of that meeting.
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jovialmoonprincess · 1 year ago
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AU: Journey to Redemption (Part 3)
First Part. / The Winter Ball / Champagne Problems
Coriolanus Snow x Fem!reader 
Summary: Y/N, a young idealist in Panem, dreams of making a difference in a post-war society. As the winner of the prestigious Plinth Prize is about to be announced, a mysterious woman unveils a grim fate for Coriolanus Snow, Y/N's nemesis. Offered a chance to alter destiny, Y/N must navigate her conflicting emotions and intervene in pivotal moments to prevent Snow's descent into darkness. The story unfolds against the backdrop of complex relationships, past connections, and the challenges of a changing world, as Y/N grapples with the responsibility of shaping an unexpected destiny and challenging the very fabric of fate.
Warning(s): None, enemy to lovers, back in time, destiny, Snow being in love, Snow being Snow, possible grammar and spelling mistakes
A/N: First Fic EVER, dont be mean pls. Also Im not a english native speaker, sorry for any spelling errors. Feedback is appreciated! Follow or like (or both) for part 4!
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The last dance before the Plinth Award engulfed Y/N in a whirlwind of emotions that transported her to a distant past. She didn't expect to see Coryo at the party, as he had become a dedicated student and rarely attended social events. Nonetheless, she decided to seize the opportunity to approach him before the games, especially after glimpsing Snow's future in the hands of the mysterious woman.
Her gaze found Coryo on the other side of the room, and her heart raced. He looked different from the last time she saw him, unhinged while shooting birds in the forest. Y/N knew that if there was a chance to change the grim fate she foresaw, she would do everything in her power to save the boy. With determination, she headed towards him. Her dress, not as dazzling as four years ago, was a simple one, reflecting her current situation. Y/N no longer wanted to blend in with those people; she wanted to stand out. Her dress lacked sparkle, a simple white dress with loose sleeves. As she approached, she focused intensely on Coryo. "Y/N?" The sweetness of the sound of her name contrasted with the not-so-friendly expression in his eyes. He seemed surprised and perhaps confused by her presence.
"I thought you didn't like social situations," Y/N teased, initiating the typical banter between the two.
"I could say the same about you," Coryo retorted, displaying the familiar banter between them.
"Coryo, I wanted to wish you luck at the Plinth Award. I know how hard you fight for it." Y/N curtsied with her dress, trying to show sincerity. However, suspicion lingered in Coryo's eyes. The past few years had been marked by fights and tense interactions between the two.
It was at this moment that Clemensia Dovecote appeared next to Snow, intertwining her arm with his. An inconvenient presence that added more tension to the encounter.
"What are you doing here? Trying to win a crumb from your future president?"
"Clemensia, I don't remember addressing you," Y/N cut in, trying to maintain composure.
"Do you really think you look good today?" Clemensia mocked, laughing ironically. "You may have money, but wow, you need a stylist." Y/N, experienced in dealing with unpleasant criticisms, laughed, making it clear that such comments did not affect her.
"It seems like you're practicing to be a fashion critic now, Clemensia."
"Clemensia," Coriolanus was trying to prevent what would happen next.
"I'm just surprised that someone like you is trying to stand out. Usually, you're so... invisible," Clemensia continued, her voice dripping with superiority.
Y/N took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. "Well, it's good to change things up once in a while. And as for you, Clemensia, what brought you to the ball? Isn't it more fun spending your parents' money on ugly bags?" The provocation hit Clemensia, but she kept her composure. 
"Just enjoying what life in the Capital has to offer. Unlike some around here who seem not to fit into such luxury." Clemensia's words were sharp, and Y/N knew she was just trying to undermine her confidence. However, she wouldn't let it shake her. 
"Ah, I understand. Sometimes it's hard for some people to grasp that there's more to life than just appearances and superficialities."
Clemensia cast a disdainful look at Y/N before shrugging. "Each to their own, right? Good luck trying to get Coriolanus's attention." With that, the girl "accidentally" bumped into a waiter serving someone nearby. Three glasses of champagne landed on the white dress, leaving Y/N with a mix of feelings, from anger to the determination not to be shaken by empty provocations.
The brief interlude with Clemensia was not what Y/N expected for the night; now she was unsettled, wet, and smelling of alcohol.
It was then that Sejanus Plinth approached, interrupting the tense moment. Her plan to approach Snow that night was thwarted, but Sejanus's friendly presence brought unexpected relief.
"Y/N, you look beautiful," Sejanus complimented with a gentle smile and a small handkerchief that would at least help reduce the dress's dampness. She returned the smile, grateful for the friendly gesture.
"Dance with me?" Sejanus invited. Y/N silently agreed, accepting the offer, defeated. The awkward moment with Clemensia and the initial frustration were temporarily forgotten as she engaged in a relaxed dance among friends. 
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"It's impossible for you to be okay after what happened," Sejanus directed a compassionate look. "Who needs fashion designers when you can have an accidental stylist like Clemensia?" Y/N laughed. The echo, however, reverberated in Snow's thoughts, casting shadows over what once seemed like a complication-free night. The ball now became a complex piece of an enigma that only time would unravel.
"I don't want to ruin your outfit; it looks expensive." The girl sighed, trying to keep her distance.
"Yours does too, and Clemensia didn't think twice before trying to destroy it," Sejanus brought her closer during the dance. Y/N smiled; the altruism in the boy was evident. Even with a lot of money, he always tried to be fair and helpful to everyone around him.
While they danced, the shared glances and conspiratorial smiles between Sejanus and Y/N did not go unnoticed. Snow, watching from afar, felt an uncomfortable knot forming in his stomach. The sight of Y/N in Sejanus's arms, laughing freely, triggered a strange and unsettling sensation. In the midst of the dance, Sejanus guided Y/N with graceful skill. The lightness of the moment contrasted with the complexity of emotions unfolding in Snow's mind. He wondered if the smile Y/N shared with Sejanus was different from the one she offered him.
As the music came to an end, Sejanus and Y/N exchanged a thankful glance and bid farewell with a polite gesture. Snow, observing the friendly closeness between the two, felt a twinge of uncertainty and discomfort. 
Y/N returned to the secluded spot, and Sejanus stepped away to greet other guests. Snow, determined to overcome the uncomfortable feeling enveloping him, approached Y/N with a forced attempt at indifference.
"Apparently, you found an excellent dance partner," he commented, his eyes concealing a tension he himself tried to understand. Y/N looked at him, a playful smile playing on her lips.         
"Sejanus is a great friend. You should try dancing with him." Far from calming Snow, the response only heightened his uncertainty. The remainder of the night passed with a tense atmosphere between them, and while Y/N and Sejanus shared moments of friendship, Snow pondered the complexities of his own emotions and what the future held for him and for the girl who, even while dancing with another, remained at the center of his thoughts.
After the dance and greeting everyone, Y/N decided to leave the ballroom. She sat on a bench outside, taking off her tight shoes. She realized it was the same garden as four years ago, where her lips and Snow's touched for the first time.
"Thanks for what you said about the Plinth Award." Once again, Snow startled the girl.
"You're welcome."
"I'm sorry about the dress; it'll probably stain."
"Since when do you know about laundry?" Y/N teased.
"Tigris made me learn the hard way," Snow laughed.
"What Clemensia did wasn't cool; I'm sorry." The boy seemed sincere. A white rose on his chest drew attention in his black suit. "You look beautiful." Y/N was angry with him. Looking at him like this and knowing what would come next was driving her crazy. Coryo seemed lost; maybe there was no salvation for him despite everything.
"I know your trick," she teased, laughing. She knew, above all, that Coryo used his charm to persuade everyone. And he did it very well. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?" Snow didn't understand where the girl was going.
"You're impossible to decipher, as if you don't want people to know what you really feel."
"Showing emotions is a sign of weakness." It was one of the things Coryo's father always said, and they repeated it to him as a child. "Feeling is a weakness. I don't allow myself to feel anything other than the feelings that keep me going." His gaze seemed somewhat dark.
Y/N looked at the starry mantle above them.
"Showing emotions makes you human, Coryo," Y/N said. "Humanity means understanding your own feelings. We need to cherish
the good emotions and keep the people who make us feel good close by, you know?" It was as if she wanted the boy to be shaped by her words. She knew it wouldn't be that easy. But it would be a good start.
"Do you have any dreams? Something you would like to make come true?"
"I'm not sure. I wish I could give a better life to the Snows. Clean our name, return to the prestige we had before the destruction of District 13. I also want to give a better future to Tigris and our Grandmother." At this point, the boy was already by her side, leaning on the railing that separated the area they were in from the small artificial stream below. "I also wish I could choose what and how much I eat." Coryo was sincere; Y/N could tell. The poverty of the Snows was not evident, Coryo disguised it well. But Tigris complained to the girl years before about how the Snow family was becoming increasingly impoverished. Whenever Y/N went to her friend's house, she brought something to eat as a silent gesture of sympathy, but she knew that she would make her friend very grateful. She couldn't and didn't want to seem sorry or supporting the friend's family. Because people would notice, and it would generate more problems than solutions. Y/N didn't know her own family's reaction either.
"It's a lot for someone who claims not to feel," Y/N teased, her eyes reflecting a playful challenge.
Coryo's lips curved into an ironic smile. "Maybe I just need the right inspiration."
Y/N laughed, feeling a surprisingly lightness in their conversation. "Inspiration, huh? If you had the chance to shape the future, how would it be?"
He stared at the starry sky, pondering her question. "Power is the answer, control over everything. But maybe... maybe a Panem where people don't have to fight for survival, where the Capitol doesn't dictate our lives." Y/N wondered if he was talking about his own survival or about the districts.
Y/N's eyes softened, witnessing a glimpse of vulnerability beneath Coryo's facade. "That sounds like a dream worth pursuing."
"And you? In this ideal Panem, what would be your role?" He asked curiously.
"I would be a storyteller," Y/N replied, laughing. "I would weave narratives of hope, resilience, and... love. I would show the world that compassion can be our greatest strength."
A genuine smile lit up Coryo's face, and for that brief moment, the differences between them dissipated. The distant music from the ballroom served as a backdrop for their conversation, a symphony accompanying the unspoken connection.
"You would do well in that role. Even though I think it would be a waste of potential since you're the SECOND-best student at the Academy," Coryo admitted, with a playful tone.
The white rose on his lapel seemed to capture the moonlight, its petals reflecting the vulnerability in his eyes. The tension that once filled the air now transformed into a shared understanding.
They were very close to each other; Y/N could smell the boy's perfume. She noticed every detail of his face to try to capture that moment in her memory. Her fingers stretched out and reached for the rose on his lapel. She detached it easily.
"Which one of us is going to steal some sweets for us to eat while we talk?"
"Do you have pockets in your dress?" The boy teased, enjoying the moment, as she placed the stolen rose on the strap of her white dress.
"No, exactly because of that, it will have to be you."
Coryo laughed as he nodded. Without saying anything else, he turned his back to the girl and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor.
Alone, Y/N wondered if the boy would come back. She was sure it was a perfect opening for him to return to the ball. She looked at the small fish swimming fast in the artificial stream below the railing. Even they were trapped. Even their freedom was controlled by the Capitol.
"Y/N."
"Coryo."
"Do you still like chocolate?" The boy asked, taking a plastic package with something like a small tart from his pocket.
"They make these especially for stealing, how can that be?" The girl amused herself while opening the small package.
As the night unfolded, the two found themselves immersed in a conversation that transcended the limitations of their tumultuous history. The garden, witness to their first kiss and now witness to their shared dreams, became a sanctuary of possibilities. And in the midst of the starry serenity, a connection, delicate but profound, began to blossom, challenging preconceived notions of their roles in a world on the brink of change. The night continued, filled with moments that defied expectations and revealed the complexity of their feelings. Y/N and Coryo's story was far from over, but in that moment, they chose to enjoy the dance under the stars, building together a new chapter of hope and possibility in a world about to change.
______________________________
Just wanted to drop a quick note to say a massive thank you for all the love, likes, comments, and follows on my story. <3
Taglist: @shari-berri @h-l-vlovesvintage @tea-bobba @daenerysqueenofhearts
Again: REQUESTS and TAGLIST ARE OPEN!!!!!
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patricia-taxxon · 1 year ago
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heya! i just rewatched your sc2020 video…again… and then found out you're on tumblr and, of course, immediately went to look if you've posted anything about sj aswell and found that post from *checks notes* 1.5 months ago - so, i guess what im here to ask is, would you mind elaborating on that?
im unfamiliar with marble blast (im so sorry i do not have the brainpower to watch your essay on that...yet) so the comparison you make is not particularly useful to me :v
also for context, i did contribute to sj, specifically playtesting and programming, so i do have Opinions™ (that im gonna keep to myself due to lack of anon ask (not a bad thing! i understand why you have it off)) and i wonder if those happen to bleed through to the player experience or if your gripes with it are something different entirely.
well, firstly, i have developed such a deep seated hatred of the celeste community that i haven't opened the game in months and i've considered just deleting my spring collab video multiple times, I'm not finishing any more of my maps because I don't want to make anything for these people. so i didn't actually finish SJ, I did everything up to & including the easy half of the grandmaster lobby though, and my take is that even with the few miracles I found within the map list, it would not have inspired a video essay on the level of the spring collab one if I'd played it first. it's just not as interesting, and not as rewarding to study. it represents a horrible misattribution of priorities that permeates the entire community.
in that video, i confidently say that spring collab is ALWAYS interesting, because modding culture is interesting even if it's interesting for being a little bad or revealing something about the author's proclivities. strawberry jam represents a near unanimous drive to remove authorship and make levels that are impartially agreeable, to make Celeste 2. it's only interesting when the mapper does something interesting on purpose, like Paint, Pointless Machines, Undergrowth, Summit Down-Side or Flipside Cliffside. a path of least resistance emerged in the time between SC2020 and Strawberry Jam, and experiencing it in this quantity made me forget what I liked about this game or this modding scene in the first place. the volume of creative gimmicks and varied aesthetics is huge, but each one starts to feel identical after being ground through this particular jank-averse process. I still have strong opinions about every map in SC2020, even the ones that might seem unremarkable, I can only barely begin to quantify the entire fucking C tier of my SJ tierlist. it's diverse on the surface but the substance is homogenous, especially intermediate through expert.
also in my SC2020 video, I talked about a certain tension that arrives once you get to the expert lobby, where the mappers had to create uncommercial levels of difficulty that rubbed against a similar apparent drive to make the player feel like they're actually doing the challenge & not just watching it. strawberry jam arrives at this conflict far earlier, the INTERMEDIATE maps and onwards are the ones that seem to pull between making interesting challenges while also having the player be an agent in those challenges. they want the intermediate levels to feel hard, look cool, and the solution is to just make them ridiculously constrained so the only way is the ~satisfying~ way. that's why I won't make a video about strawberry jam, because many segments in my spring collab video already serve as criticism for strawberry jam. it made the same mistakes again, but worse, and with far less of the things that made me love spring collab in spite of its flaws.
here's my tierlist, if there are any questions i'll try and qualify any of these takes with what i can remember from playing it. however, for reasons stated previously I won't be playing more so this is probably gonna be it.
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l0cal-catb0y · 1 year ago
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Hero!Ghoap x God!Reader brainrot
this is mainly about ghoap cuz i didnt focus on them in the first post and they deserve love too!! and i wanna add backstory :33 based off this post i made and i think i want them to be childhood friends!! (its one of my favorite tropes im sorry </3)
once again this is just word vomit !! not my best but it must be shared :DD but also!! let me know if you have any ideas for what reader should be the god of cuz i really have no ideas and i wanna add more details to them!!
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definingly have the vibe they would've meet by running into each other playing in a field when they were very young and just ended up sticking together. simon found comfort in johnny's presence and just sort of started following him everywhere he went with johnny just completely okay with dragging this boy around cuz!! he gets to have fun with his friend!! :DD sadly though they have to have reason to become fighters for plot reasons </33 their village gets destroyed, burnt and looted with few survivors left. theyre both distraught and angry with johnny openly wanting to track down the people behind the attack and fuck them up (simon too but hes silent about it) maybe johnny starts getting ready to start that hunt without telling anyone but simon can just read him perfectly and just pulls him aside to tell him that he's coming too.
I feel like along their hunt they would stop and take care of anyone that were causing issues, probably with just small trouble makers but as they become stronger and more experienced they deal with whole gangs of people (they end up getting the names ghost and soap along the way somehow) they become more renowned for their strength and victories that even cities far off know them!! im thinking the group that destroyed their village became an army and overconfident to the point of disrespecting the gods (probably not all but definitely some big ones) so when ghost and soap become bigger names they are given the upperhand with the backing of the gods who wish to put the group back into place. they basically get to the level of demigods !!
romance wise though,,, giggles,,, somewhere along their journey after a hard fight they would confess while patching each other up, the concern for each other far outweighing the fear of rejection <33 the gentle touch of making sure theyre still there and the whispers of love would be so soft after they know its a mutual love omg. their routines change a little afterwards too!! like simon giving johnny little trinkets to have in his pockets (probably something handmade when he cant sleep) and johnny braiding part of simon's hair before a fight (maybe he braids a piece of simon's hair into his own braid and his hair into simon's?)
I don't think they would actively worship one particular god? they would give offerings every so often as thanks for the blessing or in hope of getting some luck with something (finding info or just having good weather) but they are mainly on their own for the most part. yes they are favored more than others but it doesnt mean the gods really care about them yknow? they both know theyre just a means to an end for some of them :((
so when you start looking out for them theyre both just :OO you actually care about them outside of what they can do!! you help them with small things!! your watching eyes comfort simon when he cant sleep!! you guide johnny to peaceful areas for him to relax and draw at!! you send your associated animal to keep watch if they ever both crash after a fight!! they start to add stuff to their routines that relate to you in some way :33 making crafts of your symbols and having one with them for "good luck" or making a small spot for you at every camp they make or talking to you (aka the open air of your spot) about their plans and what they wanna do next!!
idk man brainrot and lack of sleep are getting to me!! im going to rotate these two in this au in my head for the next month ^-^
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xxacademy · 2 years ago
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Hello!
Love your work!
Can you do headcanon of Leon and the first * I love you * said with his So ? I always wondered how'd he'd say it. Or if he'd even say it first ? I'm torn lol
thank you so much anon,, it means a lot !!♥️ but truly i’m gushing over the thought of leon saying i love you for the first time. i decided to write more of a one-shot for this one because im obsessed. might make a legit head-cannon post alongside this though.
literally smiling and kicking my feet writing this agggh <3 hope you enjoy !!
she/her reader. pure fluff, only a little nsfw.
head over heals in love is the only way to describe the way you feel for his stunning blue eyes and gentle soul. leon, the man you’ve been seeing for a few months *formally* asked you to be his girlfriend. he was rather reserved at first, and opened up to you slowly. gradually letting you into the beautifully strung web of his heart. it wasn’t a question of if you loved him, but rather if you should even tell him how you felt. it was nerve racking- the man of your dreams fell into your lap and the last thing you wanted was to throw it all away to a premature confession of your love.
so, you gave it the time you felt it deserved.
all the while leon treated you like a princess. he would pick you up on his motorcycle and drive you around the city. your arms encircled tightly around his waist, getting lost in the dream-like glimmer of the nighttime skyline. he would serenade you with his thoughts, telling you the most unbelievable stories imaginable. often while snuggled up on a park bench overlooking the horizon.
leon was unbelievably romantic, he spared no expense to shower you with little compliments. “my gorgeous girl” he often said, his eyes always fixed on you.
he made love to you in a way you have never experienced before. it was overflowing with passion. he touched your body like a work of art; a work of art that solely belonged to him. between his whimpers he would let out little love swept praises. “my girl, my beautiful girl, all mine.”
but what made you fall even deeper for him were the heart-melting moments of domesticity you shared. he comes over to your house after work and you always greet him at the door with a kiss. one that usually turned into him pinning you against the wall, his hands resting low on your hips. only to break it off by saying you prepared him dinner. he will insist that you didn’t have to. but, you always assure him that it was no trouble at all. just another bespoke limb of your affection.
at the dinner table he will go on in great detail about his day. little moments like these made you feel like his wife, and my god, you wanted to be his wife.
and in every one of these moments those god forsaken word’s were begging to come out. plagued by your own insecurity, you were stuck in the limbo of two soul mate’s afraid to say to “L” word.
it’s about 11pm and you’re getting settled into bed. you’re wearing nothing but the t-shirt leon had “accidentally” left at your house. it smelled irresistible, his sent lingering strongly in the black cotton. you mindlessly scrolled your phone, constantly switching back to leon’s messages. impatiently waiting for the just got home, are you having good night, baby? text he normally sends you.
knock knock knock
abruptly you get up, running to the door. confused and racking your mind as to who could be knocking. you chalk it up to being a neighbor- because who the hell else would show up unannounced at nearly midnight.
you open the door; just a crack, careful not to expose your lack of dress.
“hey pretty girl.” of course it’s leon, wearing all black, dangling a helmet in his hand.
“leon! oh my god! what are you doing here? i’m sorry, i’m not really dressed” you fumble.
“is that my shirt?” he asks with a smirk.
you blush, whispering a shy “yes..”
“i mean who wouldn’t wanna come home to their girl wearing his shirt?” he embraces you, resting his head in the nook of your shoulder. he whispers “i missed you.”
“is that why you’re here?” you tease.
“well, i wanted to talk to you.”
your heart skips a beat, for whatever reason feeling a sense of dread. is he going away for work? is going to break up with me? it’s not really rational to think that way, but leon isn’t exactly predictable.
“no need to get nervous, it’s good- i think”
“what’s good?” you ask, trying not to jump to any conclusions.
“here c’mere, let’s sit”
you sit in the couch comfortably under leon’s arm. he diverts the subject and tells you about his day, like he usually does. and you tell him about yours. leon’s a sweet talker, his deep and calming voice relaxing you. and without intending, he allows you to be yourself, you feel safe.
“i’ve been thinking about you, about us.” leon says, running his hands lazily along your exposed legs.
“yeah?”
“you occupy so much of mind, and i—uh— i really dunno how to put it, you just mean so much to me.” he pauses, shyness apparent on his blushed cheeks.
“honestly… and i really mean it— i love you”
leon looks nervous, anticipating your reaction. hoping that if rejection comes it’s quick and over with.
“i love you, leon.” with no hesitation you say the words he was always hoping you’d say. leon’s smile is bright, one of true happiness. he kisses you with fervor, pulling you closely to his chest.
“you’re all mine, my love” he says into the kiss.
“delightfully so.” you reply.
your heart is filled to the brim. swept off your feet by your charming boyfriend, truly in love.
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chaseprice · 8 months ago
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hi!! hope i’m not a bother. i just came across u and i wanted to ask something,,,
basically, i joined the life is strange fandom in 2018 so i never got to experience the pre-bts era, meaning i didn’t get to experience what rachel was like to the fandom back then or see the different interpretations of her.
i did some digging and i found some fan content of her from 2015-2016 & i’m absolutely infatuated with all aspects of the fanon version of her, especially her personality & how she looked. i totally wanna embody her. also the love is strange vn was so interesting to play, i love how she was written. i’d love to know more!
i stumbled across ur blog while i was doing my digging and i saw an old long post of urs saying how bts didn’t live up to the fandoms expectations, as almost everyone perceived her differently.
sorry for all the yapping LOL but what i basically wanna ask is,,, how *exactly* did the fandom perceive rachel back then (2015-2016). what were some popular headcanons for her? things you guys even considered to be canon? what were some of your own *personal* headcanons? (can be silly, realistic,,, just anything you thought resonated with her)
do you have any favorite arts from that time period that you thought really captured her? what were your hopes for the prequel/rachels character before it was released? what did you want to see in terms of story? was rachel’s style, appearance, & personality extremely different than what you expected? what did you expect?
i assume that rachels treatment in the fandom was different then than what it is now. whether it’s better or worse, i’m not sure. i was hoping u could answer that too😞. recently i’ve just been seeing constant hatred or lack of care for her character so i’m starting to think that if bts was written differently and based on the fandom’s interpretations instead, the hate now wouldn’t be this bad.
from my digging it seems like you guys had alot of fun sculpting rachel’s character on your own, and the interpretations were probably more realistic than what decknine put together.
anyway i’m sorry for the yapping essay on this random saturday, most old lis accounts are dead & i didn’t know who else to ask☹️. just trying to relive what you guys experienced the best i can. hope i’m not bombarding you with this. thank you so much if u respond !!
hiii u def did not bother me, i am not in a position to answer all of these questions, but although it makes me feel ancient, it's cute to see so much passion for rachel and pre-BTS fandom opinion, so i'll try answer some and for the rest (art, hcs, etc.) im just gonna have to direct you to my archive* (will continue under the readmore)
*(tumblr archive is so broken on mobile so you gotta go on pc for this, but also there's so many gifs from that time so it will Definitely slow down your browser). i was insane and 17 years old so like, just excuse all of the cringe content i guess. you can click tag and filter it by either #lis #rachel amber #amberprice or whatever to try and find stuff like art. and i got into lis sept 2015 so that's like, as far back as it will go, but i was fully lisbrained from 2016 through 2018)
to be honest, in alignment with pre-bts thought lmao, rachel is whoever you want her to be. there was less of 'this is a correct objective fact about her personality/history' and more 'yeah, this is an idea the fandom really likes and has become fanon, most likely because it is a nuanced and entertaining and realistic interpretation of what we have seen of her character in lis1' which means people whose opinions conflicted with that might've be contested/laughed at/unpopular, but they weren't wrong per se. there were plenty of people i'd criticise (and ridicule) back then for implying that this teenage girl was evil, and being a teenager myself back then, i'd call them morally reprehensible and cancellable and whatever, but tbh, as an adult now, i can just see that it was simply a boring interpretation of her character informed by misogyny
i'd disagree with the notion that fandom treatment of rachel's character was better before bts, back then there were plenty of people seemingly excited to characterise her as emotionally manipulative, a cheater, deserved what she got, etc. as well, bc tbh, the story did leave room for that interpretation, but it left room for so much more as well. i feel like bts just really locked in on a certain story they wanted to tell plot-wise, and didn't choose to explore a lot of the questions fans had about rachel as a person. it's hard to turn the ambiguity of a friendship turned situationship over a period of 4 years into a playable experience for an audience - so they didn't. regardless, it got people thinking about rachel more, putting a spotlight on her, hence increased attention both positive and negative. i feel like there's just a fundamental difference between what lis1 fans enjoyed about the potential for her character and how she related with chloe and the world around her, and what deck9 wanted to portray in bts (yes they hit the astrological headcanons, the charmingness, her rebellion, the emotional conflicts... but it personally felt hollow, contrived sometimes, i suppose). but there were a lot of people who loved bts (i enjoyed a lot of parts of it!). just, in my opinion, some of those were quite different people from who loved lis1, and with that wave it brought a lot of emotional immaturity to the fandom (like... ship wars, really? that was an insane change to fandom dynamics for me lmao, but maybe i was just spoiled by surrounding myself with people whose takes i respected)
anyway i highly recommend also that if you're hungry for that kind of content, read fanfiction on AO3 by the old fans - by Mogatrat (TON of rachel centric ones there), explosionshark and tippytypewriter, chicknparm (though Cusp is written post-bts, it's informed by pre-bts characterisations), vicepoint (me hehe), def many more good ones out there those r jus my friends so they come to mind first, e.g. i liked homecoming by kriegersan back in the day, but you could def find some more by sorting the lis ao3 page by kudos and reading the older ones that are highly rated featuring rachel. and lastly, my gf wrote a beautifully worded blog post called "The Assassination of Rachel Amber by the Cowards Dontnod and Deck Nine" which gets into some of this from a media crit perspective (not about fandom) in a very eloquent way thru comparison w twin peaks and i highly recommend that
rachel hcs that def started way before bts: skater rachel, stoner rachel, punk music listener rachel (but also like, fleetwood mac cranberries cocteau twins grungy hippy stuff rachel too), rachel's parents being distant and still living in california, curvy thick rachel, things that i've accepted as canon but were def created by diff people: bri explosionshark hc'd that rachel paid for chloe's sleeve, mogatrat (i think) hc'd that rachel initially went to get her nips pierced with chloe (that's a longtime fan hc now idk who started that one) but chickened out at the last minute, i think she also hc'd that chloe made the earring for rachel which is cute too
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turtleblogatlast · 1 year ago
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okay so just so you know, im literally in love with your prison!leo au, yesterday i spent like over an hour scrolling through the tag and i think i read every post at least twice (more for the comics). its combining ‘prison dimension has permanent effect on leo, and not just mentally’, ‘immortality angst’, ‘object or place having a form of sentience’, AND ‘leo is somehow made significantly younger than his brothers which very much changes their dynamic without him wanting it to’ all into one which is just amazing.
i love how you combined comedy and tragedy very well!! like, for example the idea of leo being mistaken for the youngest brother, than a son, then a GRANDSON, is kinda funny for a second, but when you think about it for more than a couple seconds its also. really tragic. this poor kid may never be able to fully grow up - not only is he likely going to outlive his whole family but hes also permanently in the body of a child, lacking a fully developed brain and maybe never having the full maturity of an adult (at least in path b, until hes able to find a ‘cure’, if ever). its just. so good!!
anyways aldjsldkksld enough of the gushing (i mean i could keep doing it for like two thousand more words, but if i did it would probably devolve into keysmashes at some point from the Grip this au has on my brain). i am curious, what would happen if leo got sick? i know you mentioned that things like a common cold wouldnt really affect him that much, but what about one of those sickness is that leaves you pretty delirious/feverish and can take you out in a matter of a week? (could be a type of mystic sickness or curse as well, where you don’t know if the victim will survive or not and the only option is to wait it out.) what would happen? would they sort of just decide that its better to find a way to temporarily kill him so his body could regenerate as new, or would they try to take care of him and see if they could wait it out, since i imagine it would be the only time he’d really let his family take care of him in that way. thats all assuming his body wouldnt just automatically find a way to heal the separate curse and he’d be well again within an hour (still not fully sure as to how his healing works, sorry!)
anyways, love this au and im going to be obsessed with it for the next Month thanks
[ cw: discussion of murder / discussion of mercy kill / risky behavior implied / ]
Omg I’m
So touched???
Thank you for enjoying my AU so much, it really makes me happy to hear this :’) This whole AU was thought up exactly because of my interest in the concepts you mentioned - particularly the one regarding the Prison Dimension having a permanent and visible effect on Leo.
I know I haven’t updated it in a while, but I am still working on it and have even finished drafting the next comic, I can’t say when I’ll finish it but this ask definitely pushed me to work on it more so thank you so much <3
As for your question- it depends! In most regular illnesses, Leo would get over them very quickly, only experiencing the briefest brush with the symptoms before his body throws it away, if that. If the illness is mystic in nature then things get a little more complicated, as you’re right in that it could potentially end up as an endless loop of the first part of whatever weird sickness he gets. So if the illness is something that instantly affects you in the worst ways, and it’s something you just need to ride out until it leaves…that can potentially be harmful. Of course, it needs to be a powerful illness to bypass the prison’s curse to that extent though. …then again, maybe something would prefer that for him, should it appear beneficial :)
As for whether the fam would decide to just…’reset’ Leo to get rid of the illness…that’s a tough one. It really depends on how long Leo’s been back, and even then, it’s not something they’d just do, it’s hard for them to even imagine really. More likely, a sickly Leo would merely try to find a cure himself in his delirium, and end up ‘reset’ along the way.
I hope my wishy washy answer was enough! And really, thank you so much again for the kind words, they mean a lot :’)
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huuuuughes · 7 months ago
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Chills - Chris Driedger x Reader
Pairing: Chris Driedger x Fem!Reader
Summary: You just can't seem to stay away. Good news is, neither can he.
Word count: 2.2k
Warnings: angst. this is v angsty and im so sorry!!! but its not all bad i swear
A/N: posting before he possibly isnt with the birds/kraken lololol. also i know the birds didn't win the cup this year but this is my fic and my dream so just pretend shhhh
also thank you to the lovely @knivesareout for being my beta for this and for being my bff ilysm. this is for and dedicated to you <3
also (again lol) this is lightly inspired by the song Chills by Down With Webster linked here
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Chills
My hearts racing trying to catch up to you
The light that you give off is gold
I can’t shake this feeling it fills the room
These chills didn’t come from the cold, they came from you…
You told yourself you weren’t going to come after what happened. You weren’t exactly part of the WAGS anymore after your most recent breakup with ‘he who must not be named’, but you were still friends with a few. Watching hockey felt bittersweet, knowing it was your happy place but also the reason you’d experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions in your personal life.
You just couldn’t stay away. No matter how hard you tried to, the thought of him was always in the back of your mind. You were just tired of coming in 2nd place to him. Of course you knew hockey came first during the season, but you should be next in line. You were supposed to be planning your life together- the ring on your finger still stared back at you. You couldn’t get yourself to give it back. He hasn’t asked for it, but you knew it was the right thing to do. 
Staying away from the arena and the game was the smart option, but part of you, for lack of a better term, just wanted to feel something. So you packed up your stuff, and got in the car. You called Coach, knowing he knew what had transpired. He understood- you wanted to be there, just under the radar. Just because your future with him was uncertain, didn’t mean you didn’t want to be there to support your friends. Playoffs meant everything to the Firebirds, they had so much to prove and everything to gain with this series. There was a ticket waiting for you. On the glass, right behind him. You wore everything you could to disguise your face, and covered your hair. 
You didn’t want him to know you were there but you couldn’t bear to be farther away. You just wanted to matter, and be supported as much as you gave. He had the kindest heart and you felt like the intent was there, but you knew athletes weren’t the brightest in the love life department. He didn’t want to admit his wrongs and you could tell the frustration was building up in his game play. 
You took your seat among the crowd, blending in and sinking into your seat behind the goal. You watched as he did his creases into the ice, his normal pregame routine. The arena filled with chants of his name, the name you once proudly wore on your back to every game. Driedger. 
Chris Driedger. Number 60 and starting goalie for the Coachella Valley Firebirds. You’d met soon after he moved to the Valley. He accidentally picked up your drink at the coffee shop and the rest was history. You were inseparable. Your job was work from home and that allowed you almost too much freedom, letting you become immersed in the world of minor league hockey. With his gear on he looked larger than life, but underneath the goalie mask were the most beautiful eyes and stunning smile you’d ever seen. He was like a magnet, sucking you in any time you were remotely near. 
Lucky for you he didn’t spend much time turning around and hadn’t noticed you sitting in your normal spot. You couldn’t help but wonder if he had looked anyway, knowing the secret part of his routine. There were the parts everyone knew, and then there were the ones just for you. Every time he came out into the ice you made sure he saw you. You always made sure that he knew that even if he felt unsupported or alone that you were right there behind him. Sometimes all it took for athletes was knowing that at least one person in the room was there just for them. 
Transfixed on the game, you almost jumped out of your skin when an arena employee you recognized tapped you on the shoulder. 
“Sorry to bother you Miss, but he wanted you to have this.” They handed you a paper bag, and nodded their head in sympathy before walking away. It wasn’t like the breakup was very public but somehow every person who worked at Acrisure knew already. You opened up the bag, and it was his jersey. Not just a jersey from the shop with his name, but his jersey. It was his normal away game jersey which was so big it was essentially a dress on you. This told you one thing: he knew you were there. Either Coach had ratted you out, or that sixth sense he always claimed he had began working. You didn’t draw attention to yourself but yet, in your lap, the jersey sat like a weight. 
Taking it out of the bag, a note began to fall from the sleeve. 
Thank you. Meet me after, win or lose. - C.
His handwriting was instantly recognizable. He loved to leave you random love notes all over your apartment together. He wasn’t always the best at saying how he felt out loud, so the notes were his way of telling you how he felt. This one felt different- he liked to remain in the zone before and after games. This told you all bets were off. Putting the jersey on you felt a wave of relief come over you. You were the only two people in the room, or at least that’s how it felt. He was your home base and safe haven. You knew you were first in his heart but you needed him to show it. He had to fight for the two of you just as hard as he did. This jersey was his version of a white flag, so to speak. The break up was supposed to be good for the both of you. It was the worst kind of breakup. The kind where you were still in love but you were supposed to be letting them go.
My world came crashing down right under you,
These chills didn't come from the cold,
They came from you.
It was kind of incredible when you thought about it. Someone who is a stranger one day, can walk into your life and turn your world upside down. The center of your universe changes, and the feeling in your chest doesn’t want the center to change. It was never going to. You couldn’t ask someone to change overnight. 
He was playing so well. He remained one of the best goalies in the entire AHL but there was something about him today. If you didn’t know him well, one might not even notice it. His movements were a second too slow, almost too late. The game remained tied at 0-0, but that wasn’t going to be enough, something had to give. It was frustrating that they weren’t making any progress halfway through the second period. With one minute left in the period, the announcer shared with the crowd that there was such a time remaining. The buzzer sounded a minute later, and he didn’t even look back. The team made a beeline for the locker room and you didn’t even hesitate to get up. You made your way to the tunnel where you could access the facilities underneath the bleachers. Flashing your ID that you were supposed to give back, the security guard recognized you and let you pass.
You didn’t even know what your plan was. You just needed to get to him. Now was probably not a good time to try and get to him, they should all be focused on the game. You were going to have to beg Coach in front of the whole team to let you speak with him, which was going to be embarrassing enough. Except when you reached the end of the tunnel and turned the corner, there he was. Still in full gear, helmet still on. His head is bowed down, but at the sound of your shoes his head bolts in your direction. You can feel his gaze through the mask, his eyes like daggers following you as you got closer to him. 
“What are you doing out here?” You asked, after finally managing to speak. 
“I could ask the same question about you being here.” He was hiding the emotion in his voice as best he could.
“You and I both know I wouldn’t miss this game, whether we’re together or not. This team is still my family.”
“Then why did you sit in your normal seat? You could have sat anywhere else in this arena. You didn’t even need to be here. Why there, when you know I can see you?” 
“You should be watching the puck Chris, not me. You have an entire team you’re supposed to be working for.”
“How can I focus when you’re right behind me? Do you think that it’s been easy for me, being without you? I knew the moment you walked into this arena. The moment you sat down. You have been the only thing on my mind for weeks. You are the only light that I notice when you’re in the room. It is maddening to think I am not with you or have you because I can’t seem to get my shit together.” His tone had gotten louder the more he spoke, filling the empty hallway you were occupying.
“You have me! That’s what I came down here to tell you. I thought being apart was the better thing for us. I thought you needed to get it together and so did I. But all of those problems seem small now. I want you to be the best version of yourself. You have earned that cup, you and I both know that. So stop making stupid mistakes. I know you’re holding yourself back. You’re hesitating. I know you’re tired. I know it’s been a long road, but you have 20 more minutes between you and the cup. Do what you do best, please.”
“I- what?” Based on the expression on his face, he wasn’t expecting that response. 
“I will be right here at the end of this game, win or lose. Regardless of the outcome, I am proud of you and I love you. But I know your team would appreciate it if it was a win.” You smiled, and he finally took off his helmet. You could see him, truly, for the first time since you walked into the tunnel. 
“You’ll be right here? You love me?” He smiled and stepped closer to you. 
“Your team needs you now. I suspect Coach will come out here and have my head if you don’t get back in there.” He didn’t need to hear the confirmation, but you could tell in his eyes that he wanted it. He put on a protective shell for everyone else, but only you were the one who could see the little breaks where he let people in. 
“Driedger get your ass back in this damn locker room before I die of old age!” 
You were really gonna miss him next season.
“That’s my cue.” Before you could say no, he leaned in and placed his hand on the side of your face bringing you closer to him so he could place a kiss on your forehead. “See you in 20 minutes.” 
The rest of the game was absolutely electric. You could almost feel the arena vibrating beneath your feet. You wore his jersey proudly, bragging any time he made a save that he was your man. You could almost feel your heart beating out of your chest with every second that passed on the clock. 30 seconds left, a tie score, and the only thing between the Firebirds and a win was just a single goal. 
It was like the next 30 seconds passed in a blur. Hershey pulled their goalie in a desperate attempt to get an extra skater on the ice. Out of the corner of your eye you could see Chris leaving his goal like he was going to the bench but that wasn’t what he did. Shore passed him the puck from down the ice, the goal was left unattended, and the next thing you knew the arena exploded. The entire team jumped from the ice and you couldn’t see him anymore.
“ITS OVER ITS OVER, COACHELLA VALLEY IS A CITY OF CHAMPIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR TEAMS HISTORY WITH THEIR FIRST GOALIE GOAL!” 
The scoreboard read 3-2. 
If you could have jumped the boards you would have. But you ran to the tunnel as fast as your legs would allow. You had to wait for the trophy ceremony and pictures and all of the other hockey politics before it was just the players and their families on the ice. Everyone on the team was telling him how well he did but the only person he had eyes for was you. 
“Were you saving that goal for a special occasion?” You raised an eyebrow.
“I gotta keep them on their toes.” He crossed the remaining space between you, and kissed you differently than he had before. This one said he wasn’t letting go.
“AYEEE DRIEDGS GET A ROOM MAN!”
“GOALIE GOAL’S GOT HIS GIRL!” You knew it was Stezzy just from the accent. You continued kissing Chris but also managed to give Aleš a very nice middle finger out of love of course. 
“Oh, and I love you too.” This man would be the death of you.
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nonbinarypirat · 1 year ago
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Hiii I love your Iruma-kun analyses!! And since you're open to questions I wanted to ask, what do you think about Kirio and his relationship with Iruma and his ambitions?
damn, i knew someone would ask this LOL. im going to try my hardest to answer this but full disclosure, i have autism and for me, kiriro is a very difficult character to understand because of his morals (or lack there of?) and personality. For me, it's hard to understand people/characters that don't seem to be fully truthful. He's not a fav of mine (im sorry, i know people like him but i can't fully get into him at this moment. maybe if we see him interact more with baal's group.). So i'll try my best! (also i hope yall are ok with frequent posting, i am currently on winter break from college so i have nothing better to do but hyperfixate on this series lol)
Okay, so I think kirio is deeply in love and lust with iruma. I think it's farily obvious he is deeply interested in seeing iruma's "look of despair" in a attracted way, the manga calls him out for being a pervert about it. For Kiriro, Iruma is one of the first characters (besides his childhood friend of course) to ever really be nice to him. He was a friend to him and even if he wasn't being fully truthful with Iruma (like about his true motivations to getting rid of ranks) he did trust iruma with deeply personal information about himself. I think from there is where the obessesion began. Because then, he started to seeing them as kindred spirits who (similarly) went through deeply traumatic experiences in their childhoods, weaker than most, and similar personalities. For the first time, it was like he was being seen by someone (outside of baal). And I think he grew unheathilty attached to that idea of having someone so like him.
That's why I think wanting Iruma see his friends die in front of him was such a big deal for Kiriro. I said this in a different post, but the six fingers operate under the belief that people will all fall to their more primitive selves with the right push. And i think Kiriro wanted that from iruma. he wanted somone even more like him, so deeply intertwined with his experiences. Kiriro's childhood can not be understated, that shit was fucked up. And in turn that fucked him up. Not to say that he couldn't have become the way he is now without his childhood (yes i know, nature vs nurture), but I think the trauma plays a major role in this. He experienced something his brain wasn't able to understand at the time (friend being really heartbroken about the necklace + blaming himself) and according to him, THAT was when he started to long for despair. From there, he wanted another person he perceives as like him to also experience something fucked up so they'll cast away morals too, there by solidifying Iruma's place with Kiriro. Forever fucked up together
Iruma outright rejects that and Kiriro's whole world view is destroyed. Why was this person he considered an equal, a comrad, denying his "affection." His way of making sure they could be together. Kiriro projected too much of himself onto Iruma and by doing so, ignored the things that made them so different from each other fundamentally. And Iruma did the same thing to Kiriro. But Kiriro can't give up Iruma just like Iruma can't give up Kiriro. They want the other in their life but think about the world too differently. So in order to stay together, they both want the other to change, believe their way of thinking and being is better. In this way, I can understand why people ship them together even if I don't. Sort of like a tragic love
What i find interesting is that Kiriro seems to have found his space. He found the connection he was looking for. He is honestly himself (in all his fucked up glory), jokes about his pervertedness, and seems happy. But he can't get rid of the idea of Iruma coming to him. I mean, I don't blame him. It's poetically beautiful how much Kiriro is unapologetically a demon and Iruma is unapologetically a human. At odds but so alike. I think in his own messed up way, the idea of eating iruma is a way of keeping iruma always with him because he now sees he can't force iruma to bend to his ways. And he wants iruma the only way he thinks he can have him. But in the end, even this would end in tragedy.
There isn't really a happy ending to this i believe where all parties are happy. Because if iruma gets his way, ok cool. but kiriro is (at least by this point) too far gone in his belief about demon origins. Kiriro could never be happy, he would need to supress so much of himself for the sake of iruma. And if kiriro gets his way, ok cool. But now he no longer has iruma as an "enemy." the person he felt most alike and connected to is now gone. And I imagine he would just feel empty about that because shit, now he's truly gone and i have nothing else besides the memories
As for his ambitions, I honestly don't understand them besides the iruma part. It feels very, the world hurt me and now i want to see the world hurt too which has been cultivated with his trauma. sorry i can't discuss that part much but thats as far as my autism will grasp. hope you liked this despite that!
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arillusionist · 7 months ago
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‏Hello, I am Shahd, I am 21 years old, a student at Al-Azhar University. I ask those with compassionate hearts and those who are able to help to help me and my family and save me from this brutal war that is killing innocent people without mercy. They destroyed my house and killed my friend and her family. I saw their remains, crumbled and featureless, some of them burned. These scenes disappear from my mind every minute. I fear seeing one of my family members like this. We are here fighting death and miraculously surviving missiles, lack of food, illness, and lack of medicine. My little sister has contracted hepatitis, and many days have passed while she has been crying. I imagined that she would die at any moment. A moment in Gaza, there are no necessities for life. There is smoke and fire, an epidemic of hunger and poverty. I am crying as I write this letter to you. I ask you to look at us with your merciful eyes and extend a helping hand to me. No matter how simple your donation is, for me this thing is large and valuable. With your blessings, you will save the soul of a person and an entire family from... Illness and death. I wish to spread my message more widely. We are not numbers, we are many stories
i’m so sorry this is happening to you, unfortunately i dont have money to donate but im posting the donation link for the people who do!!
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quillkiller · 7 months ago
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Thoughts on barty and catholic guilt?
i’m gonna be real honest with you here….. i’ve never thought about it much at all.. i think a lot about the black siblings (brothers & sisters) and their potential religious guilt, but i haven’t really thought much about barty in that context :/
to me, barty sort of always exists as something almost ’other’.. like there’s just this sort of otherness to him and he doesn’t really feel things in a normal way or in the same way his peers feel or experience things. like.. he’s just sort of deviated and has been ever since he was a kid, i feel, and be that because of the abuse he experienced when he grew up, his lack of atonomy over his own body/life, or just the absolute absence of love and touch and comfort in his home. either way, it sort of fucked him up from a very young age and just sort of made him a little…. wrong…
this is why i was being so serious when i said (here’s the post) that barty + twincest (the rosiers) would actually be a very healthy relationship in bartys opinion ahdhrjajrk. like, his home was completely and entirely devoid of love except for when they pretend infront of others. so when he meets the rosier twins who don’t have any boundaries with each other when it comes to love and intimacy barty sort of genuinely thinks that’s what a family should be. there are no grey areas as far as barty’s concerned. it’s just either or. and he yearns to be involved in their family dynamic like he’s never yearned for anything before. because it’s literally the direct opposite of what his own family is. instead of pretending to love each other in public, the rosiers have to hide it and can only ever be themselves behind closed doors. and barty experiences that as normal, and as proof that the way they love each other is how a family should love each other. the fact that they love each other when no one else is looking and instead they have to prevent people from figuring them out <- that’s proof of real love to barty. that they’re actually a family. the fact that there are no boundaries between them when it comes to love and intimacy behind closed doors
anyway. i don’t think this was at all the answer you were looking for…… im sorry!!!! my barty prophets are @sugarsnappeases, @foursaints & @itsjaywalkers and if you want a better answer to his relationship with catholic/religious guilt i’m sure maybe they have better answers for you <3
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skylarbee · 1 year ago
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Is it just me but watching the interaction with Miles and Al. Alex seems to not only not initiate a hug he also pushes Miles away while Miles is so eager to talk to him etc. Body language is not good. Also maybe it’s Miles that wants to keep the friendship going. Like we know of Alex wants someone around he’ll have them around and be affectionate. What if Miles is just like all his other exs? Once he loses interest it’s very obvious, the lack of sightings together, lack of physical affection. I really do believe there’s a distance in them. In so many ways. Musically, aesthetically, artistically, insteresta. What if they are just two old friends, who do love each other, but, at least for Alex, they are just not that into each other? I love Milex but im also realistic. What if their friendship isn’t some big breakup but like a distancing? My hopes for TLSP3 is nonexistent. Anyone else care to chime in? Sorry for the incoherence🖤
i understand your concerns lovely, and things are definitely different than before. but even in older concerts when miles joined them, there were plenty times when it was miles who went up to alex, and it's alex who let go first. it would seem like miles wants it to work more, but the fact that he has social media and posts about alex, while alex doesn't also affects our thinking, even if we don't realise it. alex has absolutely no way of telling us anything about miles, and he disappears for long periods of times, no wonder we think he's more disinterested, but this could be far from the truth.
there is one thing that you did get wrong, anon, and that is that miles is "just another ex". the connection they have is something beyond our understanding, and i'm sure most of us have never experienced something even close to what they have. the way they complete and understand each other is something that is hard to believe it even exists. as to alex's body language, he seemed a bit emotional, disconnected and nervous (and still put on a 10/10 show!) for the entirety of the last gig, and it's no wonder why. he was staring off into space and didn't even realise that he was waiting for miles to bring him back to reality. but even after their little handshake before 505, when alex looks equally as lost, he seems to liven up and prepare himself after miles goes over to him. i don't believe he loves miles any less, i think he's still his safe space. their kisses at london night 3 were something else.
while they might not see each other as often as they used to, miles has mentioned a good couple of times that they hang around his place, and anyways, he doesn't have to tell us anything. they might see and talk to each other a lot more than we think. speaking of interests, i want to believe that they're still pretty tight. i remember when miles posted a song on his story and then a few days later it appeared on am's pre-show playlist. this is just one thing, but they've always liked the same things, or if i want to be more precise, alex has always adapted whatever miles was into, let it be music, films, clothes, and whatever else. but let us also remember that time and distance changes people, of course their interests are gonna change too, but this doesn't have to be a negative thing. at least they have new things to share with each other and more to talk about! hahah
i'd love to hear other people's thoughts, but don't be too worried, anon. this last leg of am's tour showed us that they're still very fond of each other. why else would miles describe it as 'paradise' and 'the week of his life'? and why would alex so unashamedly serenade miles for an entire night?
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laithraihan · 9 months ago
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I'm the anon who sent you the long message that apparently came off "pompous & infantilizing" and more to your followers.
I find it interesting that that message sparked such a flood of defenders, when I did not send it in bad faith at all. From your answer it seems I'm lacking context so sorry if I took some of your statements the wrong way, but nonetheless I just found the parental love addition strange and reacted to that, that was all there was to it. I clearly stated (three times) I'm not taking any issue with your headcanons.
By saying they are far removed from canon I did not mean to say they are "too unrealistic" or something is wrong with that, I literally said the opposite. I meant just that, that factually, this will not be a common interpretation for someone who is familiar with the source material but not your blog. This is not a statement that I made with any judgemental value and I thought I made that very clear but apparently not.
So I'm sorry for the additional ask.
Have a nice day.
Thank you for the response.
I was fully aware you said there was no issue with what I drew, but the way you wrote everything else sort of negated that statement. At least that's how me and many other people saw it.
If someone finds what I drew strange or confusing then they could always just... block me or ask me about it (and btw I expected people to be confused, otherwise I wouldnt have labeled it "non-coupling" as soon I posted it lol)
Someone did ask me about it, and you seem to have already seen that response, yet you still felt the need to send another message basically implying that an explanation wasn't enough (turns out it actually wasnt enough because people said I was lying and in denial) and that my explanation was weird too? Which is whatever I already ended up clarifying that, English is not my first language and I type things with the help of a translator (I wish people could actually keep this in mind. I only type in English because it'll reach a wider audience and it's the language most of my followers know. Often I have to google words people tell me online, or I ask my friends fluent in English to explain things for me)
You can say "that's not what I intended" but that's how it came across... you wrote a lot of nice words while also saying it was understandable that people were ganging up on me over a drawing, it seemed patronizing.
That's why me and others took offense to it, but I think it's difficult to tell tone through text so I don't want to keep nitpicking this any further. If you say you had no ill intent then I believe you.
The following will just be me adding more context and not necessarily aimed at you: Again I understand the lack of context of my account can make people confused about my art, Ive made that clear many times.
The art I made where I said "if your parents didnt love you then it's obvious" was a direct response to people who were mocking me specifically for tagging the art as "non-coupling" because they didnt believe me. They got the context and decided I was trying to hide a fetish because a kiss on the cheek was "obviously shippy". They proceeded to compare this to drawing NSFW of Mob and Reigen by labelling it "non-ship" as if it was comparable to tucking a child into bed, that's what upset me. I did absolutely nothing to these people, I dont know them, if they said this privately I wouldnt care but it was public, and they also targeted another friend of mine for no reason.
All Im gonna say is that my drawing shouldnt have caused this much controversy in the first place. I labeled it "non-coupling" as soon as I posted it, which should've been enough honestly. It's not like I posted porn or anything like that, I got the idea from something Ive experienced in my family as a teenager and I could easily google stock images of the exact same scenario to use as reference, like I really didnt think it was that bad.
Anyways I think I've explained myself many times already. Im not gonna be hostile and say to people "roh t9awed dont ever send me anything else related to this" but just.. check if Ive already answered your question so that it doesnt end up being repetitive. If you have a question about this that I havent answered yet, then feel free to ask.
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