#sorry for being crazy about jules it will happen again

[yotsubaclover]

super rough jules pseudo analysis thing

still think the most ??? train of thought ive had about jules is the line of analysis where i try to tie his dynamic with rosemarine to some sort of still-wonky class analysis

like i need to reread because it's been a while so i might simply be projecting but i remember talking about rose basically being like. bureaucrat capitalist nouveau riche vs jules being an impoverished and landless (?) noble and how the milieu of kazeki's narrative could have something to do with that (plus the later bits *coughs paris arc coughs* on urbanity... which is more directly about class p much)

my favorite part about that analysis is looking at how power and gender intersects cos in the case of jules, if land = power = masculinity and he is rendered landless by a series of unfortunate events, he is effectively castrated by the loss. and so much of jules' life is defined by trying to grapple with that vacuum (tbh you can interpret his shady dealings as like, kinda trying to compensate for his masculinity, because rising the ranks in the underground is power too, but since it's underground it's not really recognized so)... but ultimately kind of just always being on the fence about things. lmao.

queerness plays a big role in the hot mess that is jules. bc his character is stripped of his masculinity by the establishment and forced to occupy another (opposite!) role... and ofc because he loves rosemarine, he is obsessed with rosemarine, and he can't seem to reconcile himself with that fact nor can he let it go even well into the future, as in dove of happiness.

tldr; no one knows what goes on with jules de ferrier, even himself!!! (actually we kinda do know he has a crazy complex @ rosemarine which is very love and hate and tied to his self-image and gender concept. jules himself however) lololol. he's so bitter and terrible and this is a very limited and rudimentary look at the gears that turn this weirdo's head but it's like, wow, this guy is the side character ever and you can dig this deep into him??? sometimes i genuinely feel crazy but i think that's the charm of kazeki, the characters are like jawbreakers, you gotta take your time to melt and experience all the layers...

but this line of thinking also makes me curious about what the milieu of kazeki's production might have to do with these themes. bc you know. there are countless papers on marxist readings of rov and how its story coincided w irl social movements re: leftism and feminism in japan. what about kazeki? like i think there's potential in there... uuu... wanna study...

[eundiarys]

# THE WAY I LOVED YOU — short teaser

⊹ pairing — choi yeonjun x fem! reader.

⊹ warnings — mentions of getting injured/broken leg, not proofread sorry your girl is lazy

⊹ extended summary — not being to get over your highschool ex even after he broke your heart is horrible. it’s understandable though, especially since he was your first everything. but yn has decided that it’s time to get out of her shell and date again! lucky for her, there’s a perfect candidate for that as her company’s president son is head heels for her. but what if it doesn’t work? what if she still longs for the way he loved her? and what happens if he feels the same?

⊹ genre — fluff, angst, crack, socmed, non idol! au, academic rivals, enemies to lovers, highschool au (flashback), opposites attract, second chance romance, exes to lovers, etc.

SENIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL — 2018.

you walk back and forth infront of the room as you hesitated to enter. of course, with beomgyu just staring and quietly judging.

you were currently In front of yeonjun's hospital room, clutching the chocolates and a flower and feeling slightly guilty and unsure of your purpose for being here.

oh right, you “accidentally” kicked the ball too hard that it somehow got to choi yeonjun — and now he has a broken leg.

“gyu, can’t i do this tomorrow?”

“you said that yesterday. and the day before. and you also said the same thing the day before yesterday!”

“pretty please?”

“nope. that won’t work on me! now go!” beomgyu gives you a gentle nudge before shutting the door.

fine. i’ll go in. it’s my fault anyway….

in all honesty, do you feel bad? yes.

but do you regret it doing it? absolutely not. he’s just an arrogant competitive asshole!

after hesitating, you finally knocked on the damn door.

you thought yeonjun was the one who responded with the barely audible "you can come in!", so you entered.

“yeonjun? it’s yn!" as you set your presents on the side table, you shout softly.

“oh? yn?” a sweet voice responded. when you turned around, you see yeonjun who is glaring at you like crazy, next to mrs. choi, who was smiling at you warmly.

you had a small conversation with mrs choi, but after about 10 minutes she excused herself and said she had to meet a friend.

leaving you alone, with the devil.

you sat down beside him.

you’re quite enjoying this silence. you don’t think he is though.

“so… i heard jeon si-ah confessed to you.” you finally broke the silence between you too.

i mean, you’re the one visiting him in his hospital room anyway. He doesn’t have to say anything, and you were the one who wanted to come without him asking. so you should totally be the conversation starter!

“is that the main reason you came to see me? If yes, please get out. I liked it better when you were not talking.” he answered, making it visibly clear that he’s annoyed.

“don’t think like that.. it’s because i feel bad for kicking the ball too hard and somehow it ended right on your leg!”

“you sure that wasn’t just on purpose…?”

“100% sure. now, will you answer my question?”

“you didn’t even ask me a question.”

“come on, don’t be stupid! What do you think about Si-ah?”

he stayed silent for awhile. “she’s pretty, i guess.”

“you guess? bro, what else do you want? she’s rich and so are you, she’s pretty, has such a charming personality and —”

“she’s not you.”

you kept quiet. “what?”

“she isn’t you.”

NAVIGATE HERE! ‧₊˚ masterlist — next

© eundiarys 2023

jules notes 📝 LOL what do we think ???? feedbacks are VERY appreciated!!! enemies to lovers yeonjun HEKAKDHKAJA 😫😫 edit : did i forget someone why does the taglist look diffrent

taglist one ( open ) — @zuyairus @ddenoudepression @sserafimez @ox1-lovesick @reverbtunes @vernonweb @flwoie @ja4hyvn @xiaoderrrr @galaxyhalloes @j4y-lvr @taegyuul @trsrina @fairyytyunn @r7yu @taekwondoes @nshimura @pleasetellmenow @soobin-chois @jinsquishes @sakuzleaves @bomugf @ox1-lovesick @eulris @bunnystrm @haknom @txtbrainrot @bluebearybeom @cherriegyu @snowfalltxt @boba-beom @ihrtjun @hyeinszn

[clarajohnson]

the magicians s1e12

guys i'm having so much fun with this rewatch (recap reminds me that richard killed his son through neglect and q betrayed alice with the threesome and julia's about to get duped by a fake goddess) um

this kitchen reminds me of the season 4 apartment but i'm having fun so i'm not gonna think about season 4

such a small thing but i have beef with the dude imbuing kady with faith by doing something for her like. i guess we disagree on what faith is!

you can't unring a bell so be certain when you call, julia!

poor penny getting stuck babysitting three neurotics and one alice (not neurotic relative to everybody else In This One Thing)

cannot get over q being the one who initiated it. i just can't.

jesus christ jason ralph is so hot

in 2015 you could sell an audience on the badassery of a line just by including the term patriarchy

please alice drinking triple sec :'''-)

we talk about alice's style being sexy librarian but it reads much more to me as a girl who knows she could fall at any second into twee oblivion so she's styling it in dark colors. i'm waiting for an owl necklace.

ooh! dionysus, okay!

i did NOT remember her hooking up with richard. but. i'm fine with it.

mannnnn i love julia wicker so much she is the epitome of the girl with an inch-thick tough exterior filled with love all the rest of the way through she is so special and good

fucking "didn't think you had that in you" go to hell quentin! oh MY cheating is okay YOUR consensual sex outside of a relationship is BAD! again this is why i hated him the first time around

How I was feeling about Quentin would have got us all killed. :l

i kind of feel like if he was a real person i would have bullied quentin coldwater or at least been very rude to him. sorry quentin!

lol the "janet" "actually it's margo" "this time" joke went over my head last time

I PLANNED MY WHOLE OUTFIT AROUND THAT BOTTLE !!!!!

truth serum is toxic and banned? interesting

"oh i was kind of poking around in the dark with that one" lollll my baby

quentin WOULD always bring up groundhog day. also he's actually stronger than me because if fogg told me i'd been killed in these exact circumstances 39 times i would absolutely lose all hope and try and beat the beast to the punch

penny has chemistry with everybodyyyyy

i'm in love with julia's pier one ass apartment

julia and q's reunion gets me so good !!!!! so bad !!!! "you smell the same" wow you guys should be friends forever for your entire lives and you WILL be!

julia calling god magic "some pretty eclectic shit" like it's a limited run pressing of a neutral milk hotel b-side

cool, useless, kind of gross

julia's destiny is to find a whole new kind of magic. do we think this happens? what is this referring to do we think?

the LOOK q gives julia after "richard gave it to me" so much immediate understanding and shit-stirring delight

it's crazy, like, not crazy but crazy that eliot stays so torn up about mike

"yeah, no, it still sounds bad."

JOSH HOBERMANNNNNNN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please i did not remember that they were all going to fillory in like fucking ren fair cosplay

MAGIC IS FOR FIXING THINGS JULIA SAYS (also "if fixing things was easy everyone would do it" because somebody needs to fucking validate quentin now and then)

despite my indignation on julia's behalf i do love the choice of isolating her from the academic environment of brakebills, i think it adds a new dimension and texture to her knowledge and understanding and engagement with the world around her and i like that so much

it's fucking crazy that q and jules just... do horomancy. like horomancy is such a big fucking thing the rest of the show and in this ep they just do it!

alice's light bending feels so much like a superpower, it's so rare that they let magic seem that magical but they let it happen there and i love that

margo hanson i love you and your gun forever

the moment jules and q step through the telephone booth always kind of gets me it's so much of what the promise of the show can be it's so lovely

[bunbeeplays]

The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 43 - I'm All Yours

Despite all the donuts she ate this morning, Ophelia's still going to get another treat tonight…

Xander: I sent Marshmallow out prowling, she was going stir-crazy. Hope that's okay.

Ophelia: Yeah, I don't want her to walk in on what we're about to do. Now come here.

The two kiss, Ophelia running her hand through Xander's hair.

Xander: Watcher, after the day I've had, I need this.

Ophelia: Me too. Don't worry, I’m all yours tonight.

She thought it was innocent pre-woohoo talk, but Xander hesitates and pulls away.

Xander: I’m sorry, can we- Red? Stop? We never worked out a safe word. I want to stop.

Ophelia complies.

Ophelia: Of course. Are you okay?

Ophelia has never seen Xander this shaken up before.

Xander: I’m so sorry-

Ophelia: No, don’t be. You have every right to change your mind if you don’t want to woohoo anymore.

Xander: I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.

Ophelia: Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong either. You don’t have to get into detail but I want to make sure I understand what happened so I don’t make you uncomfortable again.

Xander: You had no way of knowing. When you said “I’m all yours”… That’s something Jules would say to me a lot.

Ophelia: Oh. Jules is your ex?

Xander: Yeah. It just reminded me of him. Kind of… put me out of the mood.

Ophelia: Thank you for telling me.

Xander: Thank you for not being upset.

Ophelia: Of course. Consent is important. It isn’t fun if you’re not into it too. We can use red as a safe word for the future.

Even though she was nice about it, Xander can’t help but feel like he ruined both their nights.

Xander: I should go home.

Ophelia: You can if you want to, but if you’d rather, we can always do something else. It’s a nice night, do you want to go for a walk?

The two go on a midnight stroll, ending up at the beach. They sit on a bench, staring out into the darkness, silently enjoying each other’s company.

Xander feels compelled to tell Ophelia something he’s never told anyone else outside of his family before.

Xander: Jules and I started dating in high school, and we stayed together for a while after we aged up. I loved him. I thought he loved me too… Turns out what he really loved was the idea of marrying into a rich family.

Ophelia: Xander, I’m so sorry.

Xander: Don’t be, it was a while ago. I want to date again, fall in love for real… it’s just been hard to let go, you know?

Ophelia: It's hard to move on when you've been hurt, especially that kind of betrayal.

Ophelia: It's okay, you're going to find someone great someday and they'll make it easy to fall in love.

Xander: You're right, Lemon Cake, you always are. You will too. I know it.

The two cuddle closer to each other as they stare at the calm ocean, the warmth of their bodies protecting each other from the chill of the autumn night. They might not have woohooed that night, but they still enjoyed their time together. They always do.

[livvyofthelake]

well see the thing about the wicked powers is that we literally have to give thanks and praise and all that to dru because frankly she's taking the craziest hits for me on multiple fronts. as we all know every cassie series has to have some semblance of a love triangle and i always hate it and she never stops doing it and it makes me want to kill her more than anything in the world. dru's taking the love triangle bullet and the thing about it is that she might actually slay. this could be cassie's first love triangle that doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the head. sorry. no i didn't like tessa's either i was not a tid girlie i respect those who were but that was not my life peace and love. i hate a love triangle i really do. it's always so clear which guy she has to end up with it's fucking annoying. and that's also true for dru and ash like we all know she's not ending up with jamie he's a red herring but still it could possibly even be interesting. you know? like i actually want to see how this pans out. as opposed to say. cordelia and matthew, which made me want to kill myself. the other thing is that cassie loves it when her girl protagonists do this annoying ass oh i'm so insecure how could he ever love little old me thing, which with characters like emma and cordelia, again, made me want to fucking kill myself. but dru could slay that, we already know she would feel that way about jamie, we don't know anything about ash actually and i don't want to cast judgment on him so early so i won't speculate about whether the insecurity shit will be annoying for them. small tangent, i LOVE how cassie has given us basically nothing about ash. good. i don't want to know lest i develop an incorrect perception just to watch cassie jace/will-ify him twp book one. i had to watch that happen to my buddy james herondale and it made me so mad it's unreal. like i would prefer to not get to know that boy until we're like maybe six months out from release. to be honest. i've just been sitting here thinking well he's probably going to either be like a holly black love interest or he's going to be another will herondale-ified stock love interest. either way i don't care the point is i'm flexible. finally the last thing i need to say rn, and this is what i was thinking about earlier if you recall. the other thing all cassie main couples have to do is secret relationships. these idiots love getting into secret relationahips it's so crazy. one thing about me: i hate secret relationships. the way cassie does it can be slay (emma and jules) but i would kill myself if that had to happen to kit and ty. so i'm so absolutely grateful that they aren't the main relationship and dru is the one that has to take all these hits. she's literally doing so much for me AND she might even slay all of it. i hate to say this but i might love her as a protagonist more than cordelia. that's an early thought though don't hold me to that. but think about all the cassie protagonist staples, and then think about dru. she could really slay that in a way not seen before since clary herself..... emma of course is exempt from a lot of the cassie staples because emma and jules are special in the sense that they're like essentially gender flipped. it's complicated to explain but just trust me when i say cassie has a formula and emma and jules are something different, and that's why they're my favorites of course <3

anyway. thanks dru. i'm thrilled to see her as a protagonist and my special guys as secondary protagonists, truly nothing better than being the secondary romance in a cassie book, remember lucie and jesse...... goddamn. would you all say simon and izzy of magnus and alec are the "secondary romace" of tmi? discussion question. i would say simon and izzy because simon is the tertiary protagonist, but i feel like maybe they're actually just equally secondary. obviously the secondary romanc eof tda is cristina et al but they're a flop as we all know. however it only makes sense that they'd be the flop secondary romance because tda is the exception to the main couple rules. well in any case i'm glad this series won't come out for a while i sincerely need to become normal before i have to read all that.

[gayspock]

ok ep 2. i looked into it more and im confused cuz again like... i swear ive seen no advertising for any of this? it looks like it dropped in aus in NOVEMBER. now its dropped in the uk all in one go.... this past week?? and it apparently drops in the us all in one next month. so im like confused as fuck as to why they would release something like that

one thing i will say is theyre insanely good with the casting still arent they

another thing what was i to say

oh im sorry im watching this and every time i think to myself hmmm i wonder where cosima or sarah or hel- i cut myself off and i think about tatiana maslany in godawful cgi

this kid (jules as the episode title would lead me to believe) is soooo fun i love the hair

WHY THE FUCK IS FELIX HERE

FELIX ARENT YOU MEANT TO BE DEADBY NOW

HOW OLD ARE YOU SIR

HOW OLD IS KIRA

GOOGLE SAYS SHES 47 NOW AND SO FELIX IS LIKE WHAT. GRANDPAAAA GO TO BEDDDDDD

HELP

HWELP

CRAIG CAN YOU JUST BE CHILL FOR FUCKING ONCE AND HELP US TORTURE THIS 16 YEAR OLD

FELIX WHAT IS THIS FUCKING VIBE YOU'RE PUTTING DOWN RIGHT NOW WHATS HAPPENED WHERES YOU GRITTINESS HELP I FEEL LIKE IM GOING INSANE

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN SHES WORKING AT A SHELTER

I SORT OF DONT AGREE WITH THAT OUTCOME FOR SARAH NOT TO BE A DICKHEAD I feel like its like.... squints.how do i fucking describe this. it does not feel like her to me and it feels likeughghh the word escapes me you know what i mean

can this dialogue be any

felix drag her

YOU TOOK HER TO HOME DEPOT. CLASSIC.

i love how lucy is a cunt. i do like that about her i will admit.

We were made in a printer.

NOW who the fuck is He.

sorry also to backtrack a bit im bewilderedand unsure how i feel about them bringing in the old guard at all because hello like look i said what i said i dont want them to have a show called orphan black echoes with like no reason for it to actually be related to orphan black but also what the fuck

if harry potter is still culturally relevant in 2052 i swear to god

come on charlie girl. its gonna be ok. everyone shoots someone in the head once.

beck from victorious i need you to be all in on this ok

so who the fuck is thissssssssss

SO FUCKING WHAT? SO WHAT? LUCY IS NOT ALLOWED TO KIDNAP KIDS? WHY NOT? LOSERS.

JULESSSSS YOU SLAYEDDD THEREEEE YOU SLAYEDDD I WONT EVEN LIEEEEEEEE HELP TOILET SHANKKK

he is kind of so funny . i love you beck from victorious.

im also ok going back to like this relating to people from before like... this charcterisation os kira feels so odd

"lord this place is like neolution without the tails" wow did you get that guys ! a callback

AND YET SOMEHOW LIKE I THINK THE CLUBS FROM LAST TIME WERE SO MUCH MORE REAL THAN WHATEVER THAT IS

james youre tickling me

CHRIST WHATS GOING ON HERE

SORRY I THINK ITS SO FUCKING CORNY WHEN THEY TRY TO LIKE DO FUTURE THINGS DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN THE FUCKING FULL SIZED MIRROR TIKTOK LIVE IS INSANE.

this fucking acting and general fucking reaction is also crazy to me wes im sorry youre adorable but please

JULES YOUREEEEE SO FUNNYYYYYY

FUCK LUCY CAN WE STAY WITH JULES

okay theres just something so off putting about felxi im like help me what is going on

also i feel like kira is like sending me so much i feel like this happens all the time when kids who initially .... no offence.... lacked a lot of character ... now have to be an adult version cuz what are you going off. i dont know who this woman is but she isnt kira to me because who the fuck was kira in the first place but a kid that said ominous stuff and was a plot device for most of the show

also i think theres again something so insanely off i cant tell what it is. i think its still in that space of being so stupid high budget fo rwhat it is and yet itr feels so weird looking. the whole futuristic thing is strange to look at. like this being orphan black which ootherwise like. sci fi but still very grounded. it feels weird to now go to this

and i feel like i'd have preferred a smaller timejump. if they prove me wrong with that then fine but thus far i dont see the benefit of it being in 2052. i'd have preferred them to go less crazy with the like aesthetics cuz theyre just kinda weird and take away from everything for me.

and again i dont like the general approach to all of this. i think they needed to start slower and build stuff up more over time . everything here with jack for example like... i would have preferred if we sat with lucy and lucy alone and we didnt keep cutting to kira . like let us build this up and have it be one long continuous thing and maybe hold out this reveal a little longer. this feels like its rushing. and again the strongest part of orphan black, to me, before was like the slow build of increasingly complex fucking dire situations and being able to layer that shit

hi lucas

kira being a shit mam is so funny to me

FELIX'S ENTIRE PERFORMANCE STILL FEELS SO FUCKINH INSANE TO ME. cuz i get what youre going for but the delivery is jsut so fucking choked by the actor trying to keep it up. i swear he was not that stilted before even when he WAS putting something on. like is it trying to mask his voice age as well or something?

jules is so much more compelling to me again i think it is cuz her storyline IS the slowburn one here . and also shes got all the things i mentioned kind of lack with Lucy

like sorry i hate it when theyre like "haha. she's so spunky." (the actual chatracters are telling us this to the camera) like ok i get it i literally could have GOTTEN that watching

AND AGAIN WHY IS EVERYONE ... i dont know it feels like the exposition in the dialogue is crazy. like theyre shoehorning stuff in. you dont have to have them say everything so literallly and explicitly . help

KIRA PUT THE CYOKEEE DOWNNNNNNNN

ok im pausing for tonight hang on

[crwr213002assignment3]

Last FaceTime

It was August 2021 now, and Julia had been together for about a year, a little less than a year since we confessed to each other. We haven't met yet, but I felt as if it was coming closer. When it was our anniversary, I had someone deliver flowers to her doorstep and her favorite meal. She sat in her bed, FaceTiming me again as we ate our dinners together. Beforehand she jokingly suggested we dress up all fancy, but I did it anyway. I had put on a black suit I had collecting dust in the back of my closet. I did it for her. Today on my way home from work she said she wanted to call me again, so I gladly accepted the FaceTime call once I got home, sitting at my desk still in my work clothes. “Hey,” I smiled ear to ear seeing her face again. “Guess who got a one hundred dollar tip today at work? I can order you some take out to your door and we can eat together and watch a movie again if you’d like,” I suggested, showing her the two fifty dollar bills I had kept in my pocket. Seeing Julia again made my heart swell, and it made me crazy excited that I was going to see her one day. That’s what kept me motivated in this long-distance relationship- one day I’d meet her. When she didn’t meet the same excited expression I had on my face, my smile slowly disintegrated, shriveling into a frown. “Hey Jule, what’s wrong?” I spoke softer now, scooting my chair in closer to the desk as if getting closer to the camera would help. Julia looked down at her lap, letting out a defeated sigh. “I wanted to talk to you about something, Phillip,” she bit the inside of her cheek, waiting for a response, but when she got none- she kept going. “You know I love you right?” Her voice quieted, becoming low as her gaze dropped, looking somewhere else off-screen. “I do…” I replied, my eyebrows furrowing a little bit in confusion. “Did I do something?” My heart sank and the back of my throat became dry and scratchy. “No- no you didn’t do anything, Phil…it’s just, I met someone.” Did she meet someone? Like a new love interest? A friend? A partner? I tried to wrap my head around what she was implying, even though in the back of my mind, I knew. I just didn’t want to come to terms with it. Julia continued, her thumbs circling around each other nervously as if she was hiding something. She hadn’t looked up to face me on the screen yet, and I don’t think she was going to. “I just wish- I just wish you were here physically, Phil. I have been so patient, and it’s been painful not being able to be touched by another human. It’s driving me crazy and…last night when I went out for my birthday dinner- I met someone at the bar.” I paused, looking at the screen but not focusing on her displayed screen in front of me, I just started zoning out. With my head going fuzzy, I leaned back into my chair and glanced over at the wall, thinking to myself before speaking. “When you said you went to bed- you didn’t go to bed, did you?” I asked her, swallowing harshly. 

“I did not,” Julia responded, and in the corner of my eye, I could see her finally look up at me through the FaceTime screen. “I’m so sorry Phil. It won’t happen again- I swear, I swear on my life I swear to “ I cut her off, standing up from my seat, and instead of just hanging up, I unplugged my computer.

[aure-chan]

more venting wahooooooooo

bleh

i dunno it feels bad to whine about something that is my fault like i should just take it on the cheek and move on but at the end of the day that just really isn’t something i think i can do and it fuckin blows, man

i mean it is, i am currently Dealing With It, but it Sure Isn’t Fun in the interim

and i mean

he’s right in that i think. i think looking back on the time we did have and appreciating that we Had T hem is valuable and maybe it’s

idk

greedy and selfish to want More

but i do

but idk

man

i’m just sad

i would like to stop being sad

i tried dating apps again but ultimately i just get ghosted and the few people that have chatted with me just

idk

i know it’s not a healthy like. mindset to take, but i’m left just thinking

‘yeah but. i don’t. get along with them as much, i don’t think. there’s just something “missing” that even if it were to progress into Something More it just wouldn’t be the same’

and like ok it’s like. these things take time and 9 times out of 10 when you get dumped you always feel like you lost the your perfect soulmate and anyone else can’t possibly compare and then that ends up totally fading by the time you DO meet someone else it happened with haley it happened with juno and it’ll happen with val but

idk man :(

and like again it’s like

really i shouldn’t even be whining so much!! i fucked up a lot i know that

i can say i’m sorry and. i am. but it’s not like that does much after the fact

i can have my justification sand rationales and excuses for why i did what i did but that doesn’t really justify shit because like. at that point i should’ve just broke things off myself. ugh

and i’m grateful that for the most part everyone else still seems willing to like. be My Friend, i mean shit jules even helped out and pitched in $40 as like an early birthday present for New Zelda but the more i think about it it’s like

idk. maybe it’s. obsessive and insane. obviously i value those friendships intensely and deeply and i think i would’ve gone crazy if i didn’t have them

but there’s a part of me that’s like

shit. if i could trade those friendships for another couple months with val until the end

i think. i might actually take that trade, and. i don’t. idk.

did i. ruin that for him? if i just didn’t say anything and didn’t whine about the situation would they still be friends, too? i didn’t lie about anything i did my best not to make him look like the objective villain i didn’t try to paint myself as the total blameless victim but i still wonder if. maybe i just shouldn’t have said anything. just leave it at ‘we broke up and i’m sad can we play some terraria to take my mind off it’

i mean apparently jules even unfriended him and other than me i always got the impression they were the closest

did /i/ do that

man i don’t know shit sucks and i wish i could go back i really do

[flaresanimedump]

Ok ok I have thoughts about Monstrum Nox again.

1) Desperately wanting Jules got me through the earlier chapters. I love that boy. Also like that they didn't make him die, but it totally made sense given that Zola had been working on a cure as a side project for 500 years. It didn't seem like an asspull with that context. Very few diseases last 500 years. Jules's dad came along at just the right time.

2) Credo's laugh tic was the only annoying thing about him. He was the perfect brute character. Sadly I forgot about him the moment I got Jules.

3) Everything about white cat was bad. Everything. Her gift was the worst to use. Her plot was atrocious. "Stealing from the rich to give to the poor is bad, despite the fact that the poor are being taxed more because of the circumstances of their birth and my family's company is poisoning them." Even if she saw problems with her methods, the easiest thing to do would be to set up a partnership with the doctors that let the slum residents get free medicine for the poison her dad was filling them with. Pay their medical bills at the source, you walnut. Setting up a flower shop for them to spend their non-existent medicine money on as a way of making amends? Are you kidding me?

3.1) AND ANOTHER THING. The sidequest where her dad tells off that paper maker for having a shitty product shows that the writers have no clue how business deals work. If Pendleton said nothing about the quality as it declined (and the guy didn't know it was bad so we know he didn't), that shit's on him. Throwing away business partners of 100+ years the moment something better comes along without a goddamn word to why is in fact how you get backstabbed in the business industry (which is exactly what happened, and one day he's just going to get his ass assassinated).

4) Yufa fanclub, president: me.

5) I didn't love the switches between Adol and Adol. It was especially bad when I had to remember I couldn't double jump. But also the prison scenes were really boring.

6) Chatelard's point thing was infuriatingly pretentious. I wanted to kill him so bad. AND THEN THEY MADE ME SAD HE DIED WTF.

7) Chatelard and Lucien's brother were married.

8) Emo Adol. In 2019. Astounding. Amazing.

9) Aprilis and Zola were. The best. Aprilis really comes off as a total himbo when you take into account the fact that she climbs the bell tower to pose and grandstand like an emo before every battle and any time someone mentions Zola she's like "...yeah he's unique." meanwhile Zola's off killing god and everyone on the team is like "why did you even ally with this crazy mother fucker in the first place???" and she's like "well." and then Zola comes back and is like "so I successfully killed god for you Aprilis because he fucked up real bad, so I cleaned up his mess while I was at it and also gave my notes to this one doctor so we can cure your other friend and I can bring people back from the dead but I only care about you and like 4 other people so I'm gonna retire." And everyone is like "I;m, sorry what." and Aprilis is like "see."

10) there was nothing, nothing more satisfying than getting to kill the general who abandoned Chatelard to die, the bishop who was "just following orders" when he sentenced Aprilis to death, and the king who ordered Aprilis's death. Thank you Zola for giving me such intense catharsis this Christmas. Thank you Zola for tormenting them but not really being all that crazy about any of it. Zola I love you so much-

11) Zola picking up Grimnir's goddamn job and eventually being the reason the region even survived Grimnir's shitty plan. Zola being the only one who was looking to the future with respect to the Nox. Zola becoming god-adjacent just to save Aprilis and their friends. Zola retaining that power after the nox was gone, but having achieved his goal, putting himself back in his own ancient body. Despite having the ability to create new bodies which he actively did for Doll. Just because he didn't do any of it for himself. He didn't even need to live with the friends he worked tirelessly, for centuries, to give normal lives to. He only wanted them to live and be happy all along. He never lost sight of that goal and he retired and gave up all his power the moment he reached it. He could still do it again but he won't. Because he's THE BEST FUCKING BOY OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

12) me sitting there in love with Zola cheering him on like "do you want help Zola sir you seem like you've taken on a lot and I can do legwork like a champ" until he says "I pulled the gods out of your memory, Adol!" and my reaction was literally "oh no honey there's a reason Adol killed them..." was quite possibly the greatest gameplay experience I've had in a decade.

[secretsofblackthornhall]

Emma to Cristina

Dear Cristina,

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I realize the message I just sent you probably didn’t make a lick of sense, so after you’ve read it, toss it and read this. I was in kind of a hysterical state when I wrote it — I’ve been wanting to tell you all about what was going on with Mina being kidnapped for days, but I couldn’t. Then, when I could, it all just kind of poured out. Again, sorry!

It was awful not being able to say anything to you about what was happening. I’ve always hated politics, as you know—but however unusual your (and Mark’s) position, the Seelie Court would certainly consider you part of Kieran’s retinue, and we were expressly forbidden from contacting either Court about the fact that Mina was kidnapped right out of her bedroom here at Blackthorn Hall. And we obeyed to the letter.

So, it turned out the person who’d spearheaded the kidnapping was Mother Hawthorn, the nursemaid to the First Heir, who chose to marry a Shadowhunter. She’s had a complicated relationship with Shadowhunters, especially Herondales (who DOESN’T have a complicated relationship with Herondales, I ask you) ever since — and now she was demanding to see Kit if we ever wanted to get Mina back.

Nobody wanted Kit to do it, even though everyone was desperately afraid for Mina. But he was determined. There was no stopping him. So arrangements were made through a bunch of faerie go-betweens for Kit to meet Mother Hawthorn. She had demanded a rendezvous near river water, so we went down to the Promenade in Chiswick. There’s an itty bitty park there, and a little bandstand. We all — me and Julian, Tessa and Jem and Kit — walked down there, pretty quietly and somberly. Tessa kept stroking Kit’s back, and it was clear she was trying not to cry. Jem looked like he wanted to kill someone. Kit just looked determined. And Jules — well, I’ll get to Jules.

We stayed some distance away while Kit crossed the dry grass toward the bandstand. As he approached, Mother Hawthorn came out of the trees, holding Mina, and started walking toward him.

Jules and I both tensed up, in case either Jem or Tessa made a break for the baby. We wouldn’t have blamed them, but we knew they couldn’t be allowed to do it – Kit had to be able to try to get Mina without a violent fight. All I can say is, you can kind of see how much they’ve both been through and endured over all the time they've been alive. They clutched each other’s hands and neither of them moved, even though you could see how desperately they wanted to run to their children. It was an incredible display of control, and heart-breaking too.

Kit and Mother Hawthorn came together in front of the bandstand. Of course we couldn’t hear anything of their conversation, but we could see that Mina immediately put her arms out for Kit. Kit tried to reach for her, but Mother Hawthorn held up a hand. She clearly wouldn’t give her back, and they started arguing. I could tell how angry Kit was, even though he was trying to hold onto control. He kept shaking his head no over and over, almost every time Mother Hawthorn spoke.

Anyway, after a couple of minutes of that, Mother Hawthorn started to laugh. She looked over — she clearly saw us and didn’t care — and snapped her fingers. Kit was flung to the ground; he rolled over and came up on his feet, but by then black vines were whipping up out of the ground, slashing at him, winding around his legs. Mina was screaming so loudly we could hear her.

“That’s enough,” Jem snarled, and started across the street. But Julian put a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait,” he said, and we all stared at him — you know I have utter faith in Julian, but for a moment even I wondered if he’d gone crazy.

And then. Then there was this huge noise. I thought it was a helicopter at first, or maybe a bunch of helicopters, but then I realized no, the sound was stranger than that — it was hooves, beating against the sky. They passed over us and—it was Gwyn and Diana! I mean, it was the whole Wild Hunt, there were a couple dozen of them, some on horses, some on winged creatures I’d never seen before. But in front was Gwyn, with Diana on another horse behind him, her hair streaming out behind her.

Diana swooped down and grabbed Mina right out of Mother Hawthorn’s arms. Gwyn was right behind her, and seized up Mother Hawthorn in one arm—that guy is, uh, pretty strong I guess—and kind of slung her over the back of his horse. It looked pretty dangerous for Mother Hawthorn but you know, not a lot of sympathy for kidnappers here.

Diana swooped (the Wild Hunt does a lot of swooping, as you may recall) over to us, and gently handed Mina off to Jem and Tessa. Then Diana winked at us and rose back into the sky, and she and Gwyn and the whole rest of the Hunt ascended faster than I would have thought possible. I guess they had to get Mother Hawthorn away from us, which made sense. Anyway, they disappeared into the clouds and were gone.

I have to say, Diana’s wink was pretty badass. It made me miss doing badass stuff, a little. I think I’ll take Cortana out back tonight and seriously behead some weeds.

So anyway. Kit was running back toward us, and Tessa was crying in relief and Jem was staring at where the Wild Hunt had disappeared. Mina, of course, was fine. She kept saying, “Horsies!” which was hilarious, and then Kit got there and started fussing over her, and Julian and I stepped away to give the four of them space for their reunion.

Julian had one of those Looks on his face, and I had a hunch. “That was you, right?” I said. “You contacted the Wild Hunt.”

He shrugged. “Mother Hawthorn said not to contact the Seelie and Unseelie Courts, but the Wild Hunt is neither. They don’t swear allegiance to anybody.”

“Neither does Mother Hawthorn,” I said. “So it was like, ‘Wild fey, come get your wild friend, she is getting too wild?’”

“Something like that,” he said, and his voice was casual but I could tell he was pleased with himself. And all right, fine, I was pleased with him too, and I told him so.

On the way back to the house we asked Kit what it was Mother Hawthorn even wanted. He said she wanted to tell him he was the descendent of the first you-know-who (I know Kieran has told you something about Kit’s faerie heritage, but not all of it, and most people don't know) and that she had come to take him to live in Faerie where he belongs. He said he tried to make it clear that he didn’t want to live in Faerie, that he was satisfied with the life he had (although he kind of looked over at Jem and Tessa while he said it and I think satisfied is maybe less embarrassing to say than how he actually feels, which is much better than that). She just kept telling him it was his destiny and his duty, his fate would come for him soon enough if he didn’t bend to it, blah blah faerie stuff, you know how they are. (Uh, no offense if you’re reading this too, Kieran.)

I don’t think he was telling the whole truth, though, because Mother Hawthorn went to a lot of trouble just to send a message like that. I mean she could have put that on a postcard. It wasn’t anything Kit didn’t already know, basically. I am sure there was more she said that Kit didn’t want to share — I could tell from his expression. I hope he’ll tell Jem and Tessa, when he’s ready. At least we can be pretty sure Gwyn will make sure Mother Hawthorn stays away from him  — it’s one less thing to worry about.

That’s about all the news from here, and I’m so relieved to be able to share it with you finally. I guess if Kieran needs more information he should reach out to Gwyn; I’ve told you pretty much all I know.

Take care, and talk to you soon, and love to K and M!

Emma

[iamasimperyk]

I care for you -Nate Jacobs

Warnings: spoiler, violence, swearing, choking, self-harm, yelling

Summary: You walk after Nate after his argument with Jules. Then you calm him down and show him that you care.

Note: It's my first post for Nate, so I hope it's good?

You were new in town. You had been going to East Highland School for a couple of weeks now, and it was hard to miss who was popular at this school.

Rue Bennet, a drug addict. Cassi Howard, desperate for love. Kat Hernandez, trying to change her reputation. Maddy Perez, the one with an on-off relationship. And, last but not least, Nate Jacobs, the violent quarterback.

If you were honest, you felt sorry for all of them, but you also admired each of them in your own way. You would do anything to understand why these people are the way they are.

You were friends with Rue. She was the only one who noticed you on your first day. It was no problem for you, that she did drugs, but you tried to help her as much as possible, telling her she should only smoke weed.

Today was this party that Rue wanted to take you to. You wore a short black dress and high heels. Rue and you danced, drank and she introduced you to some friends.

Just as you two were standing in the kitchen, an angry Nate Jacobs came in and started screaming at a blond girl. You had never seen her before, but you felt extremely sorry for her.

"Does anybody know who the fuck this bitch is? Someone better speak up, or this bitch is gonna get fucked up!" He shouted as he moved closer and closer to her.

The girl grabbed a large knife and pointed it at him, "You wanna fucking hurt me? What is your problem?"

"It was a joke," Nate replied, visibly afraid even though he would never have admitted it.

"You wanna fucking hurt me?" She asked again, "You have no fucking idea." She cut her left arm before dropping the knife, "By the way, I am Jules. I just moved here." After saying that, she left the kitchen.

A few more seconds later, Nate regained his composure and left the room as well.

You looked at Rue in shock, "Does this always happen at those parties?" you asked her, and she shrugged her shoulders with a grin. "Sometimes crazy things happen. But I like her already, finally someone putting Nate in his place."

You sighed, "I am kind of sorry for him."

Rue started laughing, "You shouldn't feel sorry for someone like Jacobs. He's an asshole."

"Maybe. Hey, um, I have to go to the bathroom for a minute," You said, and she nodded.

You made your way through the crowd to find Nate as quickly as possible.

You didn't know why, but something told you to just do it.

When you finally found him, he was alone. You sat down next to him. "Are you okay?" You asked cautiously, trying not to upset him.

He rolled his eyes, "Why wouldn't I be okay? Just because some psycho bitch pulls a stunt like that."

"I know we have never talked to each other before, but I have seen you around school, and I have noticed that you have never laughed honestly," You muttered, hoping not to offend him.

"How the fuck would you know when I'm being honest?" He laughed humourlessly and stood up as you did the same. He was probably a foot taller than you, but that wasn't important now.

"There are a few rumours. I don't want to judge you for anything or say they are true, but if any of them are, I'm sorry," You told Nate, looking up at him.

He pushed you against the wall and grabbed your neck, slightly choking you, "Shut the fuck up! You know nothing, absolutely nothing, so don't pretend to care about me or my problems."

Desperately, you reached for his big hand on your neck to signal that you were almost out of breath. He let go, and you took a deep breath, "Yes, I do care about you. Who are you, Nate Jacobs?"

For a brief moment, you saw something in his eyes other than arrogance. It was as if his wall had fallen for a brief moment before he quickly rebuilt it.

"You want to know who I am? My girlfriend just fucked some son of a bitch in the pool. I often can't control my anger. They say Maddy has bruises because of me-" he told you before you interrupted him with a hug.

Slowly you felt him relax then he pulled you closer.

When you two broke the hug after a few minutes, you looked at him smiling as you could see a small smile forming on his face. A smile that reached his eyes. A real smile.

[nebulablakemurphy]

All For You (Part 1)

Summary: Euphoria AU! It’s been years since Rue and Y/N found Elliot overdosed on the floor of his apartment. Being a surrogate for Jules and Elliot has Y/N reliving the whole thing. Companion series to ‘Because Of You’ and ‘Before You’

Warning: this is a mature/dark series including drug use, mentions of mental illness, overdose, explicit language and mentions of sex. These are very real and serious issues that people face and I am not glorifying them in anyway. If you or anyone you know is struggling please reach out to a professional for help.💜

“Hey, Elliot!” Rue knocks a third time. “Stop swinging your muff around, let us in.”

Still nothing. Y/N tries calling, the faint tune of his generic ringtone echoes through the door but he doesn’t answer. “He’s gotta be in there.”

“Last chance to say you’ve got a booty call before we use the key.”

Elliot would laugh, even if he was caught in the act. Elliot would make some kind of sound. The fact that he’s not has Rue rattling around the keys on her chain. Finding the one marked ‘e’ in faded sharpie and shoving it into the lock.

The door slides open with a creek and Elliot is there, laying face down.

“Ah shit.” Rue grumbles, “here we fucking go.”

Y/N steps over his outstretched arm, checking for a pulse. “What do we do?”

“I’ll call an ambulance.” Rue takes out her phone. It’s surreal to her, being on the opposite end of the same situation she put her sister through. The one she put her friends and family through. The worry that unfurls in her stomach, the way her breath begins to quicken and then suddenly she can’t breathe at all. Poor Gia. Finding Rue like this when she was only thirteen. ‘I’m sorry, Gia.’

Y/N notices the change in Rue almost immediately. “Rue,” she calls her attention. “Rue look at me. Everything is gonna be ok.”

It’s not gonna be fucking ok.

———————————————————————

“Y/N.” Doctor Sandford waves a hand in front of her face. “Is anybody home?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Y/N presses a hand to her throbbing temple.

“I asked if there was anything else.”

“Well,” Y/N purses her lips. “I haven’t been sleeping great.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Crazy dreams.” Nightmares.

“About?”

Why do they always have to dig deeper? Why not just lightly scrape across the surface?

Y/N shrugs, “shit that happened a long time ago.”

“Hmm.” Dr. Sandford crosses his legs. Here comes the notebook.

“Like Monday night, I was seventeen again.” Y/N tells him. “With this bald guy waving a gun in my face; saying he’ll kill my friends and family if I ever tell anyone what happened with the suitcase and Rue.”

“That was a very traumatic experience for you.” It would be for anyone.

“We went out to eat afterwards. I mean, how traumatized could I be?” Y/N likes to rationalize, to down play, to push unpleasant feelings away into a tiny box.

Sandford mulls it over for a moment, “the human mind is an incredible thing. Multifaceted and ever changing, that’s what intrigues me about psychology. However, you’ve been my patient for a long time, I know you.”

“That’s terrifying.” Y/N shifts uncomfortably. But what does she expect after pouring her heart out to him all these years?

“I don’t think Monday night’s dream is what’s bothering you.” He hits the nail on the head.

“Last night was bad.” Y/N admits, twisting her wedding band around her finger.

“Tell me about last night.”

“It was Elliot.”

“When he overdosed?”

Y/N nods. That one hurts, always has, always will.

“Did something happen with Elliot?” Sandford wonders.

“Not really, I don’t think so.” He’s fine, she’s fine, they’re fine.

“No notable changes to your schedule?”

Y/N shakes her head.

“Nothing in your personal life? Things with Rue are good?”

“Things with Rue are great.” Rue’s like a dream. Waking up to her every morning, watching her eat breakfast with Sawyer and Cameron. Rue is happy, so Y/N is happy. “Actually, things are awesome. I took a test on Saturday, it was positive. I’m waiting for confirmation from my ob this afternoon, but I think I’m finally pregnant.” Y/N rambles.

The older man lowers his head. “There’s your trigger.”

“Why would something I’ve been trying to do trigger me when it finally happens? I’ve been sweating over this for so long. I was starting to think maybe I’m too old, maybe it’s the quality of my eggs? Maybe I should suggest IVF-”

“Do you hear how much pressure you’re putting on yourself?”

Y/N crosses both arms over her chest. Yes, she does. “If anything happens to this baby, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“What you’re doing, the act of surrogacy, is incredible-”

“But I’ll probably have a lot of ‘big feelings,’ you warned me.” They’ve talked about it before Y/N even decided to try.

“Let yourself have moments of weakness.”

“No.”

“No?” The man repeats.

“Immediately, no.” Y/N argues, “I’m a wife and a mother and I have responsibilities-”

“You’re also human,” he reminds her, “humans have needs.”

“Not me though.”

“That is a defense mechanism,” he cracks a grin never the less.

She knows that. “Times up!”

“Is someone going to the appointment with you?”

“Rue.” Y/N tells him, scrambling to her feet.

He seems satisfied with that answer. “I’ll see you next week.”

———————————————————————

“Hey, you!”

Elliot’s eyes follow the sound across the street, finding Rue standing in her driveway. “What’s up, neighbor?” He asks, closing the trunk of his SUV.

“You got my wife pregnant.” Rue announces, allowing the roll of sonogram images, showcasing the little gray blob, to cascade freely down from her thumb and forefinger. “Again.”

Their other neighbor, who lives next to Elliot, nearly drops her garden hose with a gasp.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Wallace. It was planned.” Y/N calls, climbing out of the passenger side door. “I’m their surrogate.”

Patricia Wallace is pushing eighty, she just smiles and nods, going back to watering her bushes.

“Give me that.” Y/N rips the prints from her wife’s hand. “Where’s Jules?”

“Inside,” Elliot informs her. He expects at least a hug. She’d hugged him every time before…

But Y/N crosses the street, brushing past Elliot toward the front door of the house.

“Hey,” Elliot calls her back. “Let me see the baby again.” He says, putting a hand to her lower belly.

Y/N rolls her eyes, relaxing in his arms. “Look.” She points at the little gummy bear at the center of the sonogram. “There’s your little star.”

“I swear to god, if you don’t stop making fun of me-”

“Are we telling Jules or taking fucking maternity pictures?” Rue asks, stalking over to join them.

“He’s threatening me.” Y/N tattles, as Elliot kisses her cheek.

Rue points a finger at him, “you mother fucker.”

“It’s good to see you too, Rue.” Elliot cocks his head to the side.

“Um, hello?” Jules waves a hand at the three of them huddled around in the driveway. “Are you fucking gossiping? Without me?”

“Come here.” Y/N insists with a smirk.

“K.” Jules smiles back, moving to stand beside her husband.

“Close your eyes,” Y/N demands.

“What?” The blonde laughs.

“We have a surprise,” Rue says.

“You’re being weird.” Jules brows pull together when Elliot covers her eyes with his hands.

“One,” Y/N counts. “Two.”

“What the fuck is happening?” Jules curls her fingers over Elliot’s, ready to move them away.

“Three.” Y/N holds up the sonogram.

It takes Jules a second to process the image after it comes into view. Slowly her mouth opens in surprise. “Shut up.”

“Damage is done,” Rue rocks back on her heels. As Sawyer would say, no taksies backsies.

“You’re not.” Jules shakes her head.

“The doctor just confirmed it.”

“Right now?”

“Like ten minutes ago, yeah.”

“What?” Jules repeats, her hands trembling as she reaches for the pictures.

“That’s your baby.”

Tears spring to Jules’ eyes. “No.” She still can’t believe that no one has said ‘just kidding.’

“Yes,” Y/N assures her. This is real.

“I’m gonna cry,” Jules fans her face in an attempt to stop it.

Elliot wraps his arms around her, whispering against her ear, kissing the side of her face as he does. “That’s our baby, Jules.”

Jules nods, laying her palm flat against Y/N’s belly. “It’s so little.”

“It’ll grow.”

Part 2

[mediocre-writerr]

who do you love [lexi howard]

lexi howard x reader

requested: Hiii! I just discovered your page while looking for Euphoria fics. I saw that you don’t have any Lexi Howard fics. Could I request a fic where Reader is partnered up with Cassie for a project or something and they meet Lexi and develops a crush on her, but Lexi is clueless and thinks reader has a thing for Cassie? Fluff please. Also your works are absolutely amazing!

a/n: italicized are rue's voiceover

*not my gif*

Lexi has always lived in the shadows of her sister. Every guy or girl she liked just never fell for her. They always fell for her sister. Cassie was the one in the spotlight and Lexi was just the background character.

You sat there with your earbuds in as your teacher went on and on about some project you guys had to do. But again, you weren't exactly listening.

Until he came over and ripped your earbuds out of your ear. You looked up at him with innocent eyes, "Ms. Y/L/N, you're partnered with Ms. Howard. Hopefully, she'll be able to fill you in since you weren't paying attention,"

You sent him a small smile before trudging your way over to Cassie. You heard a lot of things about her, but you didn't really care what everyone thought around here. Most of them were assholes anyway.

"So were you paying attention to anything he was saying?" you asked as you plopped down into the seat next to her.

"Not a word, but my friend Kat heard all of it. If you want you can come over tonight, we can start working on it, getting it over with," she offered and you nodded. 

“Sounds great,”

You see this was the start of a beautiful friendship for Y/N and Cassie. They became as thick as thieves. Everyone thought that Y/N and Cassie would eventually get together, but the entire time Cassie was just trying to get her newly found best friend to admit feelings for her sister. 

And those feelings started, cheesy to say, but at first sight.

You knocked on the Howard’s door, bouncing on the balls of your feet. You didn’t really know how to feel, Cassie was popular and well you? Not so much.

The door swung open and you swore your jaw dropped all the way to the floor. You were met with the younger Howard sister. She was beautiful. Her beautiful brown hair fit perfectly with her fair skin.

“You must be Y/N?” she says, snapping you out of your daze.

“Yeah, that’s me. Hi, Lexi, right?” you asked, stepping into the house as she held the door open.

“Yeah. Cassie went out with Maddy, but she texted me and said she’s on her way back. You can come in, you don’t have to wait outside like a dog,” she joked and you laughed together softly.

The two of you sat together on the couch. Your eyes gazed to the TV to see her watching Crazy Rich Asians. One of your favorite movies of all time. The screen was showing the montage of Rachel trying on all the different dresses for the wedding.

“This movie is a masterpiece,” you tell her.

She nods, “This is my first time watching it and I’m completely sold,” 

“Oh, you haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. The wedding scene is-” you put your fingers to your lips and kiss them, “Chef’s kiss!” 

“Hmm, I’ll have to take your word for it,” she said.

You continued watching as the wedding scene started. Lexi’s eyes were glued to the TV, but yours kept drifting towards Lexi. The way she watched intently as Kina Grannis started singing “Can’t Help Falling In Love”.

The scene ends and she looks at you, tears boarded at her eyes, “Why am I going to cry?” she laughed.

“Because it’s one of the most beautiful scenes in history,” you told her. 

The two of you just stared at each other. Her doe brown eyes were captivating and you couldn’t help your eyes from drifting down to her lips. There was a moment where you thought she did the same thing. 

The door bust open filled with laughter and Cassie and Maddy’s eyes landed on the two of you, “Hey Y/N, sorry I’m late. I see my sister was able to keep you company,”

“Oh yeah, Lexi was great. It was nice meeting you, I’ll see you around,” you told her. 

You see, my best friend Lexi developed a crush on Y/N right after that. But despite me and Jules telling her constantly that she felt the same way, Lexi still thought that you fell for her blonde sister and not her. 

“Cassie! I am not telling your sister that I like her. She does not feel the same way that I do. I am not going to risk my friendship that I’ve built with her and you,” you told her as the two of you laid on the bed in her bedroom.

She looked at you with her blue eyes like you were on drugs, “Are you kidding me right now? You sound like you just bought something from Fez. I’ve never seen my sister look at anyone the way she looks at you. You need to stop being a fucking coward and just tell her how you feel,”

“Okay, what if she does want to be my girlfriend? What if something bad happens? I lose the both of you and I can’t do that. I don’t want you to choose between me and your own sister,” you whispered.

Your heads were slightly tilted towards each other as you just stared at her, “I think you need to take advice from your favorite movie: you’re not playing to win, you’re playing to not lose. So play to win. Don’t think about the what if’s and even if things go south with my sister, I found a sister in you. You’re not gonna lose me either,” she said, “You’re one of my favorite people in the entire world, possibly my favorite, don’t tell Maddy that though. I love you so much Y/N,”

Little did the two of you know that Lexi was at the door way. She didn’t hear anything besides that you’re Cassie’s favorite person and that she loves you. 

“Awww someone loves me,” you nudge her shoulder, “But I’m for sure going to tell Maddy that I’m your favorite person. She’ll have a field day with that one,”

She pushed your face away from her, “You will not! I’ll just tell Lexi myself then,” 

You gasped, “You wouldn’t dare!” 

“Then you do it!” she exclaimed. 

Lexi avoided Y/N after that day. She also avoided Cassie. The two girls didn’t know why the brunette Howard was avoiding them. All they knew was that she avoided them every chance that she got.

It broke Y/N’s heart. She was finally ready to tell Lexi how she felt. And now, she wants nothing to do with her. No more movie nights. No more random ice cream days. But rather, Y/N going over to visit Cassie and being disappointed when their mom would answer the door and not Lexi.

You finally caught up to her as she was trying to sprint past you in the hallway. You grabbed her wrist and she looked back at you. The first time actually seeing those beautiful eyes of hers in weeks.

“What did I do? I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I understand if you don’t want to be my friend, but please just tell me what I did. That’s the least I deserve,” you whispered, your voice breaking at the thought of losing one of your best friends. 

She shook her head, “Nothing, you didn’t do anything,” 

“I obviously did something, you’re not talking to me!” you exclaimed. 

Lexi broke free of your grasp, “You don’t need me Y/N. You have my sister. Cassie always wins. She’s always been in the spotlight. She always gets the guys and girls. Everyone I’ve ever liked, she went for them. And she always wins. I just thought for once that I mattered. That for once, the person I fell in love with chose me, but I guess I was wrong,” 

She stormed away and you were left with your mouth agape. Everything she said twirling in your brain. You immediately told Cassie all of it and your brain worked together to try and figure out a way to win her back. Until it all finally clicked.

You stood outside in the backyard of the Howard’s house. A slip n slide was in the path leading to you, switch on candles. You sat on the opposite side with a guitar in your hand. Luckily, you can play. 

Singing on the other hand, well let’s just hope it goes well.

“Cassie, I already said I don’t want to talk to you! You can’t bribe me with Bob Ross tutorials!” Lexi’s voice echoed as she closed the backyard door. 

She spotted you sitting there and she was immediately about to go inside when you yelled out to her, “Lexi please! Just let me explain, it’ll take maybe three or four minutes of your time,” 

Lexi walked down the slip n slide, but not before falling on her butt and sliding towards you. You let out a roar of a laugh as she finally reached down to you. She tried hard to fight off a laugh and a smile, but you could see it faintly. 

When you finally came down from your high she looked at you with raised eyebrows, “Well, I’m waiting,” 

You started playing the guitar. The melody you learned just hours before playing from the guitar. You took in a deep breath as you started singing the infamous song that got you to fall in love with her in the first place. 

“So, take my hand, take my whole life too. For, I can’t help falling in love with you. For, I can’t help falling in love with you,” you finish the song.

The two of you look at each other as you place your guitar down next to you, “You do matter to me, Lexi. More than you know. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you, but ever since the first night I met you I’ve always been in love with you,” 

“Cassie actually told me that I need to play to win. And if I had to slip on my ass a thousands times trying to set up this low budget recreation of the wedding scene in Crazy Rich Asians, I would. I did it because I need to win your heart, because Lexi, you already have mine,” 

A small smile breaks out onto her face as she closes the distance between the two of you. She kissed you ever so softly as you tasted the sweet taste of her lips. 

“And you have mine,” 

[jeonggukookies]

too young || six

summary: you and jungkook meet up after a surprise delivery happens at the school

word count: 2,018

genre:  parent!au, single dad!jungkook angst

one || two || three || four || five || six

When you thought about your first heartbreak, you’d thought you would be nonstop sobbing in your bed, being surrounded by empty jars of melted ice cream pints and sad movies. You thought that despite the distance, your mom would make the trip and drive all the way to see you, rub your back in small comforting circles and take care of you as if you were a sick child. You thought that everything would hurt so much that you wouldn’t even want to move. 

The only problem? Your first heartbreak didn’t feel like that at all. 

It was all practically numb.

You didn’t fall apart when you did something that reminded you of him. 

You didn’t start breaking down when you watched him pick up Jules and didn’t bother to come in to your office to say hi to you. 

You didn’t crumble to pieces when you had no notifications on your phone from him.

You lived your life normally again just without Jungkook and Jules. 

Alone.

There were no more screams or echoes of noise from Jules and her cousins when you peacefully relaxed, there was no more idle music playing in background as you did your work and there were no more soft breaths and snores next to you in your bed. 

Your mom called you every night on the phone, checking up on you. It was like she wanted you to cry and to feel some pain, just so she could go down there and be there for you. But you told her that you were fine and will deal with whatever negative feelings when they come. 

Life went on whether you liked it or not. 

Three weeks after the break up, at the end of March, there was a familiar knock on your office door after the last school bell rang. You haven’t talked to Jules since the night she found you looking at pictures of her mom, and you really hope it wasn’t awkward when you talk to her. 

It’s the first time you see Jules’s hair was down, strands of her hair going in every direction. She looks like a mess. Tears streamed down her face as she ran towards you, hugging your legs. “Can you help me?” 

“What’s wrong, Sweetie?” 

“I lost Jungkook’s mp3 player,” she cried, rubbing her face on your black dress pants to wipe her tears. “He’s going to kill me!” 

“It’s okay, Jules.” Bending down to comfort her, you wipe her face and stroke her hair. You’ve never seen her this sad, and it made your heart sink. “I’m sure he’ll understand. Things like this happen all the time. It’s okay.” 

She shook her head. “Auntie Moon Soo is coming soon, and I can’t leave without the mp3 player. I can’t.” 

“Why don’t we ask her to come look for it with you?” You asked softly. “That way 3 people are looking for it.” 

Namjoon’s wife, Moon Soo comes out of her van, she’s surprised to see you standing next to Jules. She doesn’t say anything to you at first and tries to reassure Jules that’ll be alright, that they will find it before Jungkook goes home tonight.

When it’s been over 30 minutes, retracing Jule’s steps from her locker to the gym to the playground, she goes to the bathroom, making you and Moon Soo wait outside for her. 

“I’m sorry we had to meet like this in this circumstance,” she said, offering a kind smile. “I heard a lot of great things about you, and I’m sorry things didn’t go well at the dinner with the girls.”

You hear Jules flush the toilet. “It is what it is.” 

“I know what it was like,” she said. “They made it seem like I wasn’t good enough for Joon, and we took a small break too. But at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel about Jungkook and Jules that matters more than their opinions, especially if they brought up Sarah.” 

“I’m almost done!” Jules shouted, turning on the sink. 

“But that doesn’t change the way Jungkook feels about Sarah.” Tears were forming in your eyes, and you bit your lip to hold them back. “But I’m glad you and Namjoon were able to overcome it.” 

“It’s been like what, almost a month? Jules knows Jungkook can easily buy her a new mp3 player, or even a phone, anything she wants, honestly. But think about it...I’m sure she misses you and is using this as an opportunity to spend time with you again.” 

“Can we check out my classroom?” Jules finally opened the door, getting out of the restroom. 

The three of you walk quietly over to her class where she looked through every desk (without touching their things) and looked over to the place where she reads books in the class. She lifted the bean bag in the corner of the room, revealing what she has been looking for this whole time. “Yay!” 

“See, everything is okay.” Moon soo smiled. “Are you ready to go, Jules?” 

She nodded, but then stared at you with her piercing eyes. “Is this going to be the last time you’re going to talk to me?” 

“Of course not, Jules.” You took a breath. “I’m here for you always.” 

“I have to tell you something.” But before she could tell you, she pointed at Moon Soo. “Why didn’t you go to the bathroom when we went, Auntie?” 

Moon Soo raised her eyebrows, then looked down at what Jules was pointing at. She then began holding on to her stomach with a pained look. “My water just broke.”

_______

“Hey!” Namjoon exclaimed, rushing through the hospital doors. Before he goes to Moon Soo’s room, he went towards your direction as you waited outside the room with Jules. “Thank you so much for bringing her here safely and for being there for her at that time. I seriously cannot thank you enough.”

“No worries,” you let out. “I’m glad I was there.” 

He’s about to say something, but you hear Moon Soo scream Namjoon’s name, making him go into the room as quickly as he can. 

Your phone in your blazer buzzed. 

[seokjin]

the whole fam is coming in about 10 minutes 

thank you for taking care of jules

will be there soon and you can leave

“Are you leaving when they come?” Jules asked as she looked down at your phone screen, seeing the texts from. “You’re not going to stay to see the babies?” 

“I don’t know yet.” You lied, knowing you were going to leave once someone is here able to take care and watch over Jules. As much as you wanted to see the twins, you didn’t want to see some specific people. You were doing fine right now in your life and didn’t want to ruin that if you saw Jungkook or some of the girls. “I have a lot of work to do still, Sweetheart.” 

“Will you see the babies with me on different day then?” 

“I hope so.” You couldn’t make an empty promise to her. “Are you excited to have more cousins?” 

She nodded. “I like my small family, but sometimes, I hate being alone. The cousins help me forget that I can’t have any brothers or sisters.”

You sighed, wrapping your arm around Jules. “Never forget that you will always have your family, your uncles, aunts and cousins to support you. They will always be there.”

“Will you?” She asked, looking up at you, once again, her eyes were so piercing.

“I hope so.” You rubbed her back in small circles. 

“I heard what Auntie said when I was in the bathroom,” she said. “I missed you, but I had to find this mp3 player. Jungkook’s new song is on here. I’m always the first to listen, and I didn’t want to lose this song.” 

“That’s good you found it then.” 

She’s about to tell you more, her mouth is slightly opened, but she doesn’t say anything more and started to stare in the direction behind you. Letting go of her, you turned behind, seeing Jungkook walking towards you two. 

He paused, not expecting to see you here, but then continued to walk forward as you looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m hungry,” Jules answered with a pouty look on her face.

He laughed, taking his leather wallet out of his back pocket. He hands her a couple dollar bills, telling her to get something for the three of them from the vending machine. “Go crazy.” 

“You know I will,” she joked. 

There’s awkward silence in the air now, with Jules gone. Jungkook then sat down in the empty chair beside you, with his head turned to you as you looked down at your hands in your lap. He doesn’t know where to start and what words to say. How ironic, coming from a songwriter. “Hey.”

“Hi.” 

“Did you eat yet?” He asked. 

“Nope,” you replied, still not looking at him. “Did you?”

“Not yet.”

“I should get going.” You finally took the first step, grabbing your purse off the ground. 

Before you could take another step, Jungkook reached forward and grabbed your wrist, stopping your movement. “I never loved her, you know.” 

You wanted to shake him off, go on your own way, but you kept standing in front of him, facing away from him. “What?” 

He sighed, wishing he could look you in the eyes. “I never answered you that day because I was too scared to admit it out loud. I never got to tell her either, and I knew she loved me. The thing was I only thought of her as a sister, someone I had to protect. And I was afraid that if I actually told someone that I didn’t love her before she got the chance to hear it from me, I would somehow hurt her even though she’s gone.” 

“Jungkook,” You said this name, but he kept talking.

“I know that’s no excuse, but I am so sorry. I never wanted you to feel like that, and I should have just told you. No one has been competing with you.” He let go of your hand and stood up. “I don’t want you to be Sarah because I love you for who you are. I want you for who you are. My life feels incomplete without you.”

Finally turning around, you stared at Jungkook. It’s the first time finally looking at him up close in three weeks, and he looked like death. Dark circles were under his eyes, his hair was a mess. You could tell Jungkook felt too much.

And he did. For the last three weeks, he got up every morning, trying to ignore the pain he was feeling in his heart. He tried to continue his life like everything was okay, but all he kept thinking about was you. He wanted you to see you when he picked Jules up from school. He wanted to hear you laugh when he watched a movie with Jules. He wanted to you next to him when he was alone on Wednesdays. He wanted to hear you cheer for Jules when he watched her soccer games. He just wanted you. 

With all the pain he had been feeling, he’s been trying to figure out his feelings and all the words he wanted to say to you that night, and now that he was finally letting all of it go, he was crying right in front of you.

“You saw me more than Jule’s guardian. I felt like you were the first person to honestly see me for me. I want to live spending more time with you, watching Jules’s games, hearing all your different opinions and views than mine. And I am so sorry that I damaged us in the process.”

“Hey, Y/N!” Namjoon rushed out of the room. His jaw dropped once he saw you and Jungkook together, looking all sad. Still, his smile on his face reappeared as he asked, “Do you guys want to see the babies?” 

____ 

hi this is so long overdue i apologize, i’ve honestly been stuck :( hope you all have a good day and enjoy permission to dance<33 lowkey not proofread either:/

[latedawnwriting]

Hiii love! i saw u are taking requests so i was wondering if u can write a fluffy Josh imagine? something just really cute (like Josh wanting to say 'I love you' for the first time but being nervous) or something along those lines! It doesn't have to be anything specific <3

Thank you so much for the request sunshine <3. After reading your request I immediately got an idea, tried to write it really cute and fluffy. Hope you're having a wonderful day. Lots of love <3

~ Jules

"Happiness of the early morning sun"

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Reader

Rating: Teen and up

Word count: 1080

Editing: by the wonderful @dannythedog (she's an amazing writer too!)

Warnings: lots of fluff <3

Rays of sunlight streamed in through the partially covered window. Flakes of glistening white fluff were flying from the sky. I couldn't take my eyes off the scenery, this was the first snow this year. “Josh...Josh...It’s snowing outside!” I tried to wake him up with a visible excitement. A few brown curls fell in front of his face. His mouth was slightly opened and only soft snoring could be heard in the room. The gentle rays of light made his complexion almost god-like. My heart felt so happy in that moment, everything seemed to be just perfect.

“Sweetheart, please, you need to see this,” I said softly, trying to wake him up again. His eyes started to open slowly, showing the golden brown irises that I loved so dearly. “What’s going on, mama?” he asked with a quiet, raspy morning voice. He then started to sit up, leaning his back against the headboard. “It’s snowing outside,” I said with a silly little smile.

“Did you really wake me up this early because you were excited at the sight of the snow? We’ve seen it hundreds of times,” the bedroom was graced with his laugh. “Yes! Look at the beauty of nature, it amazes me everytime.” I was met with an expression that I couldn’t quite recognize. I then got up from the comfy, warm bed and put his favorite hoodie on my pyjama's shirt.

The door leading out onto the terrace always creaked, it wasn't the weather's fault. A thin layer of snow was laying on the terrace. I smiled seeing how gloriously it reflected the rays of the sun. The morning air was very chilly, and easily pierced the two layers of clothing I was wearing. I ignored the shiver that was passing through my body, wanting at least for a moment to admire the majestic appearance of nature. Soon enough, my hands and face started turning red and I heard a loud voice in the distance. “Oh my god, Y/N, it's too cold! Come back!” I looked at Josh, who was standing by the terrace door. I approached him, slowly. He quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the house, closing the door behind us. “Are you freaking crazy, darling?! You could have froze to death!” he stared at my red face with a serious expression. “Oh come on, it’s not like I was going to stand there for eternities. Just for a minute!” I snorted. A soft, warm pair of hands started to rub against my cold ones. “You’re gonna be the death of me, one day. I’m going to make us some hot coffee and maybe a breakfast,” the boy smiled at me with his pearly, straight teeth.

After the delicious breakfast Josh made us, we sat on the old living room couch watching some random morning talk show. I snuggled into his chest not really listening to what was going on the tv. His shirt had a unique smell. It was a mix of apple shower gel and lavender incense, the scent of which spread throughout my home, especially when Josh was spending his time with me. It was quickly becoming my favourite smell of all time, always reminding me of the happiness and pure bliss that this boy gave me.

I loved him with all my heart yet, I was too scared to even say one word about it. We knew each other for 4 years now and only just last year we grew the balls to admit that we had feelings for one another. He was my light in the dark, the strong force that pulled me from the depths of my sadness. I couldn’t get enough of him. Somehow, he always knew when something was wrong, always trying to solve my problems, to bring me happiness. I never knew how I deserved a person like him, it’s like some sick joke that the universe made. Instead of always bringing me bad things, I found him. My sunshine, Josh.

I smiled into his shirt and tried to get out of my mind to enjoy my time with him. “Can I tell you something, my darling?” I looked at his face and saw that expression again, whose meaning I still could not recognize. “Of course” I slowly replied, staring at his handsome face intently. “I.. I would like… I would like you to know..” his voice started stuttering, cheeks started turning bright red. I took his hands in mine, only to find that they were shaking slightly. I didn’t know what was going on, but he seemed to be really nervous. “It’s okay honey, you know you can tell me absolutely anything. I won’t be mad at you.” My eyes were showing him honesty. He looked at me nervously and then said something that surprised me immensely.

“I.. I love you with all my heart.” I looked at him like I’ve just seen a ghost, my mouth was opened just a bit. I didn't think he would ever say those words. In fact, I thought I would be the first. “I’m sorry... I…” he started. “God, I love you so much,” I interrupted him in mid-sentence. My eyes closed, I didn’t know what to do after that confession. Then I felt gentle, plump lips meeting my own, igniting millions butterflies in my stomach. My hand cupped his precious face, his skin hot from all the blushing. I didn’t open my eyes, I wanted this moment to last forever. We kissed slowly for a few moments, confessing our love without saying one word. I think we knew at that moment that that love didn’t need to be described in words.

After a while we had to pull apart, catching our breaths. “I’m so lucky to have you. You light up my whole day.” I hugged him tightly, his smell engulfing me again. Happy tears started welling up in my eyes, I sincerely couldn’t believe that something like this happened to me. “You saved me, Josh. I thought that I would never be able to be happy. You’re my sun and I love you.” He wiped the tears from my eyes with a palm of his hand. “I’ll always be here for you, mama. You’re my moon, always making me smile and I love you so much,” he smiled sweetly and I recognized his expression as love. With him by my side, I can fight with the struggles of the world outside.

~~~~

Hope you liked it <3

~ please like and reblog if you liked the story~

[peeterparkr]

red; tom's version|one.

chapter one: sad, beautiful tragic. “Long handwritten note deep in your pocket”

pairing: Tom Holland x Reader (tom's not famous here) story summary: you’re reminiscing through your relationship months after the heartbreak and breakup. Wondering if it went wrong from the very start when Tom arrived at New York, and him being a cautionary tale or if the problems came along the way. Perhaps the key to find back your way to him is going back through the nice things before the heartbreak came. Or is it too painful to go all over again?

chapter summary: you haven't seen him since he ditched you, after months of wearing plaid you go out and realize he's back in new york warnings: angsty, I mean it's a breakup, swearing. word count: 7.3k playlist (updated after each chapter, including Red songs+ other for the chapter): Spotify | Apple Music

fic masterlist next chapter

a/n: Hi, I couldn't wait to share it so I said, screw it, I'm posting this. You don't know how excited I am to write this and share it with you. As you know, this is inspired by Red by Taylor Swift and will hurt. So I expect us all to be crumpled up pieces of paper wearing scarves by the end of this. (perennial is still coming, I'm just waiting on a few people who're reading it). SPECIAL THANKS TO @erodasghosts for reading it and hyping me up and helping me figure this all out. I hope you guys all like it as much as I did. The story is set in New York. Please give feedback!

One month after the breakup.

Strong whiskey, on the rocks. That was his drink of choice that night. The night before had been a beer. You knew you could imagine the taste of his lips by only looking at him. You wondered if he’d gone there for a second night for the same reason you had.

When you had seen him across the place the night before, you had tried to decide how to feel. We always think we will react one way or another when we see our official heartbreak walking through. Victorious as he is perfectly dressed, with his hair flowing.

He hadn’t brought her. Which you didn’t know how to feel about.

The day before you had not been alone, Jules, Matty, and Lula were there.

“Shit, the axolotl at 10 o'clock, you’ve got to be shitting me,” Lourdes, Lula, had whispered before sipping her drink, a Long Island Tea. “We are celebrating she’s doing better, can’t fucking believe this,” she hissed at Jules who only lifted her chin slightly to see who she was referring to. “What the fuck is he doing here? Ay, es que, con qué huevos se atreve a venir aquí? Que no mame.” [with what balls did he dare to come here? He shouldn’t fuck with us. ]

You loved hanging out with Lula and listening to her very refined Spanish cursing.

“It’s not him,” Julia said.

You tried looking back to see who they were referring to. “Who is—?”

“Y/N, wait I just noticed the haircut!” Matt pointed out, reaching over, getting your attention back to them and not at whatever they were referring to. “It looks great. It’s like a new you!”

This new you. The one that had been screwed over twice. Men really have the nerve when it comes to breaking hearts. They recklessly go in and let you believe love comes in all shades of colors, passionate red like the roses they send, and tender pinks like your sweet innocence that they end up stealing. But they never tell you it’ll be you all alone in a dark room with shades of grey under a flickering light that barely warms you.

The new you, which was still a bit lost. Your old self was a stranger to you now. You had no idea who this new you was, she was quiet now. Didn’t have a heart because someone had stolen it and broken it and left it behind a dumpster. Still trying to find it. The new you wasn't.. you.

Your friends were glad, however, they finally got you to go out again. After weeks of wearing plaid and watching Fleabag, and even considering watching Greys Anatomy, a low point, you had finally decided to come back to see if there was any sunshine left for you.

It’s important to point out that you had been broken-hearted and almost crazy when the breakup had happened. Very… delusional. You were not proud of the way you’d reacted. Although you wouldn’t have reacted any other way.

The city had been quiet, the red lights seemed to last longer, and the crowds would often swallow you. The city you once loved was now an open book of a relationship that seemed real, should’ve known it was all fiction.

In your dreams they’d be bright, colorful. The village is aglow. Cold days with warm hearts. Like his.

You’d been cold ever since.

“Ah, yeah, the haircut. Got it today. Lula’s idea” The haircut had come as the solution to a problem that would never be solved. As if cutting your hair meant there was something you had the power on. You didn’t.

How stupid was it? You couldn’t control your life.

“It suits her well, doesn’t it?” Lula admitted proudly.

You still had his picture engraved in your heart. You still dreamed he would come back and say it was all a nightmare.

“It’s nice, I’m glad to have you back,” Jules commented. Julia had probably been the most surprised with the news of the breakup, she had almost gone and killed Tom when he had….unimportant. She hadn’t, though, and she had yet to tell you the reason why. Julia had been mysterious since.

“I’m glad to be back,” you confirmed. You’d ordered a beer, and maybe you shouldn’t have. Stella Artois, his one favorite. You pocketed the beer cap. “Though I was not gone.”

Matt watched you, him and Julia had recently started dating. Best friends since kids who just recently confessed their feelings for each other, took them long enough. “How back are you, though?”

“Meaning?” You asked, taking a sip.

Matt shrugged, “I could introduce you to some friends from work, there’s this hot guy—“

“No,” you interrupted him, leaving the bottle down as you had almost choked. “No, no. Not in the dating area yet. Won’t be in a long time. Still healing.”

Lula still had her eyes glued elsewhere. “Healing from a bullet hole, y/n, whatever you’re doing isn’t working, and band aids won’t fix it—Jules it is, I swear to god it’s him.”

“It’s not him,” Julia rolled her eyes.

“Ay, que sí!” [he is]

“Who?” You asked.

Julia took your hands, “you know Lula,” she rolled her eyes. “I love that you ordered a beer.”

“Yeah,” you gulped. “Beer is universal language for men as in: ‘don’t get close to me.’” A lesson someone dear had taught you once.

Matt tilted his head in agreement, “Yeah.”

“Really?” Lula frowned, “should’ve ordered one. Next time I’ll ask for my drink but instead of a glass I’ll ask them to put it in a beer bottle.”

“Wouldn't it be easier to order a beer?” Matt suggested.

“But then I’d break our tradition.”

Matt watched her, “you really are something.”

You chuckled.

“Why is beer seen as not—feminine?” Matt questioned.

Julia shrugged. “It’s beyond me, really. It’s a drink.”

“Like does my drink make me less of a man?” Matt watched his glass, another Long Island Tea. A stupid inside joke you all had.

“No,” you admitted. “But you know how society is. Since it’s sweet, it’s got to be—“

“Oh, no, no, I love you, y/n, but tonight I don’t want you lecturing us on it, no, tonight we are having fun, ok?” Lula reminded you. “We will not talk about femininity or lack of a beer—or whatever your agenda is up to these days, which, hey! Why does y/n get to break the rule?” Lula questioned. “No Long Island Tea?

Julia glared at her, “Because she can do whatever she wants tonight,” she hissed and then turned to you. “But how are you feeling? It’s your first time going out in months, is it as fun?” Julia was the one to try to cheer you up the most.

No, it wasn’t fun.

“I—feel good!” You lied. Although you were not. But you guessed that’s the response they wanted after seeing you laying down on the ground and crying yourself to sleep. Staring at windows and walking down in the rain. They wanted you to feel better.

Your body was covered in scars.Though, they were from adventures.

“Bullshit,” Lula intruded. “You seem sad. Maybe I’ll get some shots,” she announced before going to get some.

“Well,” you chuckled. “My first time going out and you bring me back to the place where it all started?” You answered cynically but then shrugged. “I’m—I…no. I just—It’s weird. I still see him everywhere, and as I’m here it’s like watching a movie of our greatest moments,” you admitted. “Like hey, look over there, it’s Tom and Y/N’s greatest moments,” you stated, Lula got back. “Let’s start memory lane…”and you sighed and continued with the best presenter voice you had. “Here you’ll wonder how the hell did it go so wrong since they were so perfect, what the hell went wrong, when did it turn into some sad stupid love affair. You’ll be asking yourself hey, they seemed in love, over there, they danced! Over there… they sang a song together! See over there? There was a fucking jukebox in which they have memories! Oh they have memories there too! And you’ll ask yourself, he made it seem real, what the hell happened?” You sighed exhaustedly. “What happened? What the fuck happened? How was I so stupid?” You ran your hands through your face.

Your friends only watched you, with pity, sadness. Even Lula had turned her gaze guilty.

You cleared your throat, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“No,” Lula sighed, “it’s our fault for bringing you here. We’re fucking idiots. Besides he is—Julia I swear to god, he is there.” Lula raised her hand and Julia quickly pulled it down.

Julia bit her lip, “I—hadn’t realized how much Tom there is here.”

“Yeah.”

“He called me—“Matt had started.

“No, no, we can’t talk about him, baby,” Julia reminded him. Matt widened his eyes and nodded.

You blinked, “no, it’s—He called you? Tom?” Why had Tom called Matty? What for?

“Yeah, had a missed call,” Matt explained, ignoring his girlfriend. “I—it was this morning.”

You felt your chest twist. “Yeah, I get a lot of those too.”

Perhaps he wanted to talk to you and thought Matty was dumb enough to give you the phone.

Julia glared at Matt. “We promised not to—“

“No, hey,” you stopped her. “I—sorry, I brought him up.”

“But we shouldn’t talk about him,” Julia insisted. “Tonight is all about having fun,” she stated as she handed everyone their shots.

“No, it’s alright,” you said. “I’m fine talking about it.”

Lula turned her gaze to you. “Shouldn’t you hate him?”

Were you supposed to hate someone who gave you something so beautiful? Just because it’s over doesn’t mean you have to look back and hate it.

“No,” you answered simply.

Matt watched you. “Wait, really?”

You took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m—I decided I’m thankful for everything. He really… I… I mean I knew from the start he was trouble. But he got me to get rid of Will. So I’m thankful for Tom. He showed me some beautiful things about him, about myself and… I’m thankful. Even the part when he broke my heart.”

It was a lie. Partly. You had been so full of doubts that you only tried wondering why it had gone so wrong. Or course, the lie was there. His lies. But how could any of it be a lie?

Julia smiled gently, “You’re really a grown up.”

“Or very stupid.” Lula commented.

“Thanks, Lula, I appreciate it,” you rolled your eyes. “I… well, I’ve gotta admit I was pretty stupid.”

Lula shrugged, “Hey, I don’t blame you, boy came in with an accent, he had a cute smile, he was hot, I must admit, and he wasn’t one of those Brooklyn fuckboys that take you to the rooftop and offer you a whiteclaw to watch the sunrise together,” Lula gave in.

“Oh, and they take candid pictures, and they say that their phone camera isn’t as good as their polaroid,” Julia laughed, “But hey, you’re lucky they took you to the rooftop, they never take anyone there, they took you there just because you’re…”

“Different,” Julia, Lula and you chanted.

Matt laughed, “You guys are the worst.”

“Anyway,” Lula said. “We should drink these,” she pointed at the shot glasses as she raised her own. “I came here to get drunk. So, to Y/N being thankful Tom was a piece of shit even when the boy had a dreamy accent?”

You closed your eyes, and let out a defeated dry chuckle. “Yes, to that.”

“To the piece of shit, then!” Lula grinned as the shots clinked and were downed. You instantly regretted drinking it.

Lula scowled as she had her eyes glued back at the bar, “It’s him, Julia, it’s him! What is he doing here? Pendejo, I swear to god I’ll go kill him.” She was furious, and you tried once again following her gaze.

The bar was crowded, red lights crossed around the place, with girls walking with tall heels, trying to smile and nod at guys who were talking to them but clearly were not of interest to them. Friends laughing, people flirting. You didn’t know who your friends were watching.

But the bar seemed to be enough of a reminder of him. How he had made you feel like crowds were never there, and how whenever you had been with him everything disappeared just to be with him.

“Who are we killing?” You questioned.

“Is new y/n a murderer?” Asked Matt. Matt and Julia were your oldest friends. The three of you grew up in Staten Island, and now moved to the crowded places.

Lula coughed. “Hope she is.” Lula, on the other hand, you’ve met in college, she was a very defined addition to the friend group. With more personality. A strong one. Lula, Julia and you shared a small apartment.

Julia cleared her throat.

“The fucking scarf,” Lula scowled.

“What scarf?” Matt asked. And you had the same question.

Julia whispered to her boyfriend’s ear who had turned cold. He lifted his head.

“But it’s not.”

“It is him,” Matt confirmed to Lula. “Jules, it is.”

And now your three friends were acting strange. Usually they did but this was strang-er. They all shared looks, Julia struggled with her hands.

They were watching you with pity but you’d gotten used to that. After the breakup they had been extra careful around you, kinder, you guessed.

Fools they were to believe that by not mentioning him you wouldn’t think of him. He was a memory that would haunt you for the rest of the days.

“So, y/n,” Julia was clearly hiding whatever Lula was seeing.

“Wasn’t he in London? What in this fucking world is he doing here?” Lula continued.

“Shut up!” Julia ordered.

“London?” You asked and you lifted your head, and any noise that was bustling before had stopped.

Tom.

Tom was there.

Thomas.

Tom who had broken your heart. In every possible way that he could’ve. Like he had planned it. Like he was aware.

He was there, on a stool with a beer in his hand and wearing a red scarf. The red scarf. As if he was mocking you.

Tom.

Did he pride on hurting you?

He had always said you were invincible. That you were unrivaled in matters of the heart. Was he proud he had beaten the unbeaten?

You’d always thought he would.

When we love deeply, getting hurt comes as a given. But when we love deeply, we are never expecting it to come. And when it does come the skies cannot turn grayer. Funny thing, you were a fan of the rain but when the rain doesn’t cease, the hope doesn’t perdure.

But he was back in your life. Or at least he had been in the same room as you after months.

What was he doing back in New York with your scarf?

You turned back to your own table, breathing in quickly, bringing your hand to your chest in an attempt to calm yourself down.

You saw your friends speaking but you couldn’t make a word of what they’re saying. Your heart was rushing. Thomas was there. Tom. Your Tom. And there was a part of you that had completely forgotten over the heartbreak and wanted to run to him.

Kiss him, try to fix it. Try to bring back the beautiful thing you both had. Because it was. And it hurt looking back.

You were having trouble breathing now, the heartbreak had come.

That’s the worst thing about heartbreak. You never saw it coming, though you should’ve. Though it was beautiful you’d known from the start you’d end up hurt. But when a lie is crafted so beautifully, how could you?

“It’s him.” The words had come in whispers.

You barely remembered what had happened next. You had only stood up, decisive to leave, you’d seen him try to walk his way to you. You’d heard him call your name, but you hadn’t turned back, you had seen Matty stop him from running to you.

It was blurry. You didn’t know how you got home. Desperately trying to understand why he was there and how the night had turned too badly.

Lula and Matt had come back later to find Julia trying to comfort you, hugging a pillow that you were sure he had slept on. Breathless.

But it was in the past now, you were there again. Same bar, both in stools far away.

You were almost sure he’d gone to that bar in hopes of finding you again.

Just like you’d gone again.

His eyes the night before were guilty. You only took a deep breath, you remembered trying to avoid his glance at any chance as you had walked out.

Why were you there again?

That feeling in your chest growing, like there was something heavy expanding. Yet your stomach falling smaller. The pain was but a shield, as if it was creating a special protection around your heart, and though it hurt it was enough for it to make your heart strong to leave the place.

You didn’t want to see Tom. You hadn’t talked to him since. Even when he’d tried to call. Even when you’d tried calling.

Not when you had replayed the breakup over and over and over again since he was gone.

Everyone deals with breakups in different ways. Yours, specifically, was avoiding it. Everything and everyone. Especially Tom.

It was hard when he was everywhere. In that tattoo he’d convinced you to get, in that ring he’d left, in that cereal box that you still hadn’t finished. Whenever you listened to a song he’d recommended. Whenever you’d open Netflix and that series you had started watching together was still recommended to you even when you’d deleted it.

Everywhere.

You couldn’t use your favorite colors because you could hear it, in the back of your head “I love how it looks on you.” “You should wear more blue, it suits you.”

Even your stupid laugh remind you of him. “Your laugh is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard, even if it’s so ugly.”

You missed the person you were when he was with you. How everything was happy. Who was that y/n? Who didn’t mind if she was slightly late to a place because he’d come with you? Who didn’t feel alone at parties when she knew nobody because you knew him?

A y/n that existed only for a short period of time when he’d been around and that he’d shattered like glass when he had the chance.

You missed that y/n.

The y/n that would sometimes lose her breath and catch it back when he walked into the room. A y/n that sang along to her favorite songs all day. The one that would give her heart in a rush to him. The one that watched movies no matter if they were good or not.

Life had colors back then.

Now you were full of regrets and of doubts. Wondering what you had done wrong? Where did it lead you?

You looked up at him then. He was staring down at his glass.

There was a slight trace of him still there, the Tom you once loved. The one with the silly smile and the gentle chuckle, the one with the jokes about everything.

You wondered how much of that y/n he saw too.

You were the same two people, in essence. But how different you were now.

The Tom you knew before finding out it was a lie.

There was still a hint. You knew. But there was so much of him in you that it was hard to see if you still were there. Or the Tom you thought you knew. Not the one with the lie. Or maybe this was the truest Tom he could ever be.

He had to move on, rather quickly, you recalled. If he ever did.

There was a stupid reminder of you in his hand, that red scarf from the very first day.

You still remembered how it all started, a stupid red scarf. He kept it, then, and he wore it.

You had ordered a beer, too. You pocketed the cap again.

But there was an image in your mind, maybe he had gone back and probably had his arm around her and he laughed at a joke she made. Maybe she was funnier than you. Definitely prettier, with her hair falling down all the way to her waist, her clothing accentuating everything you didn’t have.

You recalled having to leave the room when you found out. You had been a mess.

Leaning against a wall as you caught your breath before the tears came down, as if he had pierced right through it. A pain chest that had expanded all the way on your body, not sure how you were able to keep walking back to your place. Falling down to your knees when you did.

Pain. Words failed to describe such a deep sentiment.

But it was gone now. Not entirely but at least you could hold your breath fine when he was just across the room.

What went wrong?

You could ask him. He was right there.

Maybe even tell him how you had lost sight. He hadn’t walked up to you. He was nervous, but he seemed calm enough to see you were there. You were still unsure why you had gone there.

Maybe all the good things were enough to bring you there, maybe the fact that you still didn’t believe it was a lie brought you there. Maybe the fact that one of those pictures from that photobooth was still in a locket. So stupid.

He fiddled with the glass.

You waited and waited but he didn’t approach you. He took out a paper out of his pocket as he stared at it.

You wouldn’t approach him. No matter how happy he had made you once, you wouldn’t walk to him. No matter how beautiful it was. No matter if you were lonely and that when you dared to sleep he’d be haunting your dreams.

It was a tragedy now. What you both were, and not even worth enough to try and save it. You knew you were haunting him too. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here.

He was shakin, as he stared at you, nervous. He downed his drink, you guessed it was for some liquid courage and stood up, with the note in one hand and your red scarf in the other.

Your own courage for coming here was gone, as you saw his intentions, the urge to run you had the night before was becoming you. But he couldn’t walk. He had to sit down again, rubbing his face.

The courage that had come when choosing what Lula called the ‘revenge black dress’ was nowhere in sight. You were cold and regretting putting it on.

“I can’t do this,” you said to yourself and quickly let out some dollars to pay for your drink before picking up your stuff to leave.

You saw he panicked when he saw you leaving, he quickly called the bartender to pay for his drink.

You closed your coat as you were shaking yourself, punishing yourself for going there. Why had you gone there? The man had broken your heart? Were you really there to see him?

Was your heart foolish enough to ignore the warnings in your mind once again?

You walked your way to get to the subway station, how irrelevant you were through the crowds. You hadn’t felt this way for a while, caring for the crowds. But you had to get through them. There was a part of you that wished Tom was following you after. But the crowds didn’t let you see if he was.

Besides, you shouldn’t want that.

You finally managed to get to the station, you clung to your purse as you stared at the tracks, waiting for the next train to come. Peaceful it seemed, the station. As peaceful as New York could be. You guessed if you cried nobody would care.

“y/n!” You heard your name in the distance and you couldn’t handle it.

You took a deep breath and shook your head, angrily. Why had you gone? You could’ve easily kept ignoring his calls. You could’ve stayed in your apartment, crying as you watched SNL videos on youtube, or rewatching a cartoon for the hundredth time, letting your own sadness and self pity swallow you.

But you had gone to him. This was your fault. You should’ve taken a cab, instead, he would know you’d get at this station and he for sure would know what train you’d take.

“y/n, y/n!” He kept calling as he finally arrived next to you. “Sorry I would’ve gotten here faster but the damn MetroCard-”

“I’m not doing this, Tom,” you stated before he could go on rambling like the idiot he was. You couldn’t do it. “Not here, not anywhere. I don’t know what you’re doing here.”

“I…” His face was kind, and he seemed to be nervous. You could tell he hadn’t been sleeping, probably the jet lag.

You took a moment to look at him, he didn’t look as victorious as you had thought he was. His hair was messy, and his cheeks flushed, the buttons on his shirt were not buttoned right.

Seeing him again, with that signature look he had made you want to go down to your knees.

“Aren’t you supposed to be back in London?” You snapped. “With that pretty girl-”

“No, no, I’m-I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” Tom stuttered. “I was an idiot.”

You stared into his eyes, you were not ready for this. You were not ready to look into his stupid eyes. You looked away. “That’s all you have to say?” You tried walking away from him..

He shook his head. “No, no, no, no, I… No, I actually… I had this… I wrote down my apology,” Tom confessed. He showed you a sad, handwritten paper, now slightly teared up with the ink running. “I… I had….”

You looked down at it, his messy handwriting, crinkled with words scratched down. “You wrote it down?”

You didn’t know why you felt your heart warm. This kind of stuff was why you couldn’t understand what had happened. Someone like him, who writes his apologies down. Someone who stutters when he’s speaking.

“Yeah, I… but I spilled my drink on it after seeing you fled,” He explained, swallowing hard. “I… I… I had written it down so I wouldn’t forget it but now I realize how stupid that is… I’m… I’m really sorry, y/n.” .

You could hear the train coming. You were seeing him again. It hit you right there. And this was not the reaction you thought. You had said you would be delusional, crying and fighting and questioning him why the fuck he had done that.

Yet you weren’t. You were only watching him, eyes full of tears wanting to slide down but unable to. But there was that pain still in your chest.

How could he ever dare to hurt you that way? “I don’t want to talk to you,” you said. And meant it. “Please leave me alone.” You said before walking into the train.

“Y/N, please, no, please, please, listen to me,” He followed you in, the scarf still in his hand.

You tried sitting as far away as you could. Arms and legs crossed as you tried breathing in.

He sat beside you and you changed seats. He sighed but followed you again. “Please, I need to talk to you. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Well you did,” you snapped. “You did, and now you come here a month later with a handwritten note apology thinking I will be fine with it?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I had to solve-Please, would you listen?” Tom asked, knowing damn well he had to ask, and not just straight up blurt it out.

“Why would I, Tom?” You turned to him, with a tear traveling down your cheek. You were incredulous. “You’re kidding me, right? I… You… You think that just because you show up with that stupid face of yours and my scarf I’ll want to listen to you? You’re an idiot.”

He sighed and reached to give you the scarf. You ignored it.You were furious now.

The other people on the train were certainly getting a show. A guy with a backpack was trying to pretend he wasn’t listening but his reactions were giving it away. Another woman pretended to keep reading her book but she hadn’t turned any pages.

Tom took the scarf back staring at it. “I need to explain everything to you.”

“What if I don’t want an explanation?” You snapped. Though you did. You had been waiting for one, you wanted one. You would beg for it. But your pride was taking the wheel of the conversation. “Don’t you think it’s fucking late for it?”

“Is it?” Tom turned back to you.

“Yes!” You couldn’t believe him. But this seemed a bit too familiar of a conversation. “And beside no explanation would make me forgive you!” You stated, whispering, not wanting any of the attention you were receiving.

“I’m not… I… If you just listen to me,” Tom said.

You glared, “I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Then why did you come to the bar?” He asked.

He fucking asked.

Your eyes widened. He had gone there. He knew. He fucking knew you’d gone back because you wanted an explanation. Or so he thought. No, you’d gone back because… Yes, because you wanted an explanation. Because everything he’d done had been beautiful. Until the heartbreak. He had crafted and vexed his way into your cold stupid heart and then he had gone and pierced right through it, crushed it.

You wanted to ask why. Why did he do it so vehemently?

You didn’t answer, instead you moved one seat away. He kept his eyes on you.

“You wouldn’t have gone if you didn’t want an explanation,” he said. “Or to see me, at least. I know I did, I needed to see you.”

You saw the guy with the backpack purse his lips, knowing that Tom had got you. There was little context for them. The girl with the book directed a glance to you, trying to read your emotions.

If they knew, they’d be on your side and yelling at him as well.

He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face.

“I didn’t, it was a coincidence,” you answered coldly.

“No, it bloody wasn’t,” Tom scoffed and then sat up. “No, I’m… No, but you know, you went to the bar for a reason.”

“And I left for a million more,” you frowned.

Tom pursed his lips and took out the paper again, trying to make out whatever he’d written before. “I’m really sorry.” His eyes traced through the note.

“Are you genuinely trying to read it? Don’t you know what you’re supposed to apologize for?”

Tom looked up, “So you do want me to apologize?”

The guy with the backpack squeezed his eyes shut, knowing Tom had fucked up.

“You’re kidding, right? Yes, you have to apologize, what you did is really, really shitty!” You pointed out.

“But you won’t forgive me, then?” Tom watched you.

“I don’t know,” you said and he looked up, a beaming gaze. “No, I won’t.”

He wrinkled his eyes, “I… I know I’m supposed to apologize, not to expect you to forgive. I'm just…”

He gulped, and then sat back, staring at the dirty walls and lights. He had dressed up. Badly, but he had tried looking good, you could tell. You could smell his lotion, too.

He was fiddling with the paper, crumpling up and then it fell to the floor. You looked at it and somehow related to it, not sure how.

You took a deep breath so you wouldn’t kill him and turned to him. “I have questions for you, if you answer them I might consider listening to you.”

Tom’s eyes brightened up. “Yes, yes, anything.”

You eyed him up and down as he watched you with begging eyes. You avoided his gaze. Tom followed your gaze as you tried to figure out what was the first thing you could ask him. Why had he hurt you?

Why did he not stop and think before making you fall in love with him?

Why did he not stop and tell you the truth?

“Where are you staying?” You asked,

Tom blinked. “Is that… is that the question?”

“No, but I know you don’t know how to fucking get anywhere,” you said.

Tom gulped, “I… uh, again with Harrison,” he explained.

You sighed. You remembered Harrison alright. And though there was a petty part inside you, you would help him out. Knowing he’d always get lost in the city. Though you could let him get lost, so you’d have to go after him and spend a bit more time. With an excuse, because you didn’t seem to have any excuse to be with him.

It hurt. What hurt the most was trying not to look back at the incredible moments you had because none of them were true.

You sighed. “Okay, when we get down you’ll take the F train—“

Tom stopped you, taking your hand. “No, wait, I don’t care if I get lost, okay, I… I just.”

You snatched your hand away from his cold hands he had. You darkened your gaze at him.

“Please, Y/n, I just need a chance. If you don’t want to listen… maybe I’ll just…” He handed you the note.

You crossed your arms, and tapped your foot, trying to decide whether or not to give it to him. “Fine,” you took the note.

You've gotten to your stop. So you stood up.

The girl with the book and the guy with the backpack watched you both as you walked out, pitying they couldn’t follow the drama.

Tom followed after you, he licked his lips. “You… you had questions, right?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, taking yet another heavy breath. You turned on your feet to look at him “One, did you lie to me?”

Tom was taken back by this, his eyes, consternated, only watched you. He gulped. “What?”

“Did you lie to me?

“I… well.”

You were getting desperate. “Did you ?”

“I didn’t lie about how I felt,” he said. You knew he wasn’t lying about it. He couldn’t. He couldn’t have ever lied about how he felt because you knew he had felt it too, a bit, at least,

You rolled your eyes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“I mean it, I…” Tom gulped. “I really liked you.”

“Yeah, I know, you liked me yadda, yadda,” you started. Liked not loved. “Cut the bullshit for once, did you or did you not lie to me?”

Tom took a deep breath. “Yes. But I had feelings for you.”

You bit your inner cheeks. “Uh-huh, yes, okay, good, yes, you acknowledge it. So, we have two statements here, Tom. You say you had feelings yet you lied to me,” you squinted. “Sounds-”

Tom gulped and avoided your gaze. “I know yes,” he looked down. “But, if you give me-”

“Ah, buh-buh, nope, I’m just gathering my thoughts here,” you coughed. “I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me what you felt.”

Tom shook his head in confusion. “I—I’m”

“Go on,” you motioned your hand.

“Y/N,” he said. And the way he dared to say your name was like having a knife right through you. “I had—I have feelings for you,” he said looking right into your eyes.

He didn’t say what feelings.

You were not sure where you wanted to go with this. “Fine, my next question…” you really didn’t know where this was going. “So, alright, you…” You couldn’t even phrase it. “You… made me fall in love with you knowing….Well, we both know what you did. What you hid from me. You’re a liar who made me—“

Tom took a deep breath. “Yes, but I didn’t… plan that.”

Your eyes widened. “Oh, so it’s my fault?” You stepped back. “Sorry for developing feelings for you. Sorry for ruining your life—“

Tom closed his eyes, “No, no, look, I… wasn’t. I didn’t come here expecting to meet you, I didn’t want… It just happened, okay, I never thought—You're making it sound like it’s some big master plan. I—I never planned—I never would’ve ever planned on hurting you.”

You watched him, incredulous. “Thomas you do realize what you did to me?”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t! You’re trying to make me seem like I’m crazy for not even wanting to talk to you!” You called him out.

“I’m not, I’m just saying that if you’re here—you must miss it too, you know it was too real, and you want it back, possibly—M-maybe not, but if you came to the bar tonight it was in hopes of finding me again because you knew I’d be there, and you want to feel how you felt before, and i just… you know I miss it and that you knew I didn’t lie—“

You glared at him. “You did lie!”

“Okay—yes, yes I did—But not entirely, I just happened to omit one truth—“

“One very important truth,” you snarked.

“Fine but—please listen,” he tried to convince you. “and I’m sorry, okay? I—I didn’t want to hurt you. But I never planned this. It just happened. I didn’t come here expecting to fall in love with anyone, I didn’t come here trying to date, and I never expected it to be someone as complex—“

“Complex?”

“Yes, I never came to New York trying to find the most mental relationship I’ve ever had—“

“Mental?” You snapped.

“Yes! I love you but you’re fucking crazy! And I am too! I’m fucking crazy and mental but I—I—I loved being crazy and mental with you! We are fucking mental! Driving to nowhere? Breaking into places? Getting a jukebox on the subway? That’s mental! But—but I love that about you, alright? Don’t you get it? I could’ve stayed in London, I could've been the asshole who just ditched you and lied to you—“

You scoffed. “Well that’s comforting!”

“But I’m—I’m here, ain’t I? And I know I fucked up, I know, I accept that, I’m the asshole here, and I know you’ll never—I hid it from you because I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t even get it myself. I’m here to give you my version of it. I didn’t realize I was falling in love with you…I am…,I am in love with you, and I never planned that, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with someone else, it just happened. I may have thought it was just—Some fling, initially.”

You laughed cynically. “A fling.”

He gulped. “And the moment I realized what was really going on—”

“You left, that’s what you fucking did, when you realized it was way too real for you, you destroyed the one real thing you’ve ever known,” you barked, he stepped back. “I fell in love with you, I—I—and then you ditched me, and I thought that was the worst thing you could ever do to me but then I realized that it wasn’t real! I—you were never mine, Tom! I simply was—a break you needed or—a fling.”

“It wasn’t that—“

You watched him. Looking so innocent, kind eyes and tender lips. You would’ve believed him had he come before.

“You used me!” You snapped, the words that had wanted to come for a while just blurted out. “I just can’t believe you,” you said. “You don’t feel sorry.” You shook your head, your voice was cracking. “You're not sorry because you don’t understand. You don’t know what I went through, and if you had come earlier, if you hadn’t left me, I probably would have believed you. But—No! No!” You stepped back. “No!”

“I did call! You never picked up the phone! I tried—“Tom started.

“Was I really expected to pick it up? Let’s get back to it. Shall we? The facts. Did you or did you not date me? And made me fall in love with you?”

Tom sighed. “I—yes.”

“Did you lie?”

“…yes.”

You nodded. “Was I the other one?”

Tom squinted his eyes. “No… yes, no.”

You took a deep breath. “Did you leave me without an explanation?”

Tom looked down. “I did.”

“Did you ditch me?”

Tom looked everywhere and nowhere. “Yes,” he answered, defeated.

“Now, do you think I can ever forgive you?”

Tom didn’t answer.

You reached for your purse, for the locket that dug deep inside. “I don’t know you,” you stated giving him the locket, the stupid locket you’d bought as a joke when making fun of other couples and now laughed in your face. “Whatever happened means nothing. Because that’s the thing Tom. Everything we lived was a lie, those two people in the locket are not us, because you weren’t who you said you were, no matter how much I loved it, it’s not true and though it was too many emotions all at once I’m—It’s not real, not for you. I spent this whole time thinking I wanted you to apologize but I don’t want it. That charming guy wasn’t truly you because you omitted one very important thing. You—What were you thinking? Were you planning to never say it? Or did you plan it like that? Just ditching me, hoping I wouldn’t find out—“

Tom took a deep breath. “No—No, I didn’t. I just—-I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you and I should’ve fixed it before—-“

“No, no you didn’t because it wasn’t enough for you.”

Tom gulped, “It was, it was—-the best thing I’ve ever had.”

“And you ruined it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“How little words mean when you’re a little too late, huh?” And that was the cue you needed to walk away. He silently watched you as you tried not to cry.

“I’m really sorry.” He said.

Was he?

“What if I try to prove it to you?” He asked as you were steps away from him.

You didn’t stop.

“If we go over this, you’ll see I never lied about it.” He continued.

“I already went over it, I remember everything, Tom, and maybe that’s why I don't want to talk to you.”

Tom walked behind, slowly. “I just happened to be very unlucky when it came to my own circumstances,” he reached over. “And I wish the timing had been better. But you’re right, it’s the one real thing I’ve ever had and I lost it because I hid something in fear of losing you. I lied because it was too good to be true. And I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me but I think you deserve to know why. But you went to the bar for a reason, and you had the locket for another.”

You stopped this time. Looking down at the floor and then at his hand, holding your stupid scarf. You shook your head, you really didn’t want to go through it all over again.

“I know you won’t forgive me,” he stated. “But I can’t let you go. You’re everywhere. And I miss the person I was when you were around, and I won’t stop fighting because you’re everywhere. Dreams, nightmares.”

Funny. You were his demons too.

“Am I haunting your nightmares?” You asked. Tom only watched you.

He took a deep breath. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just need—I really need you to listen to my version.”

“Fine then, let’s go down this sad, beautiful tragic love affair.”

-

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