#sooooo. all white all cis. got it.

[doctorwhoisadhd]

ALSO. IT LOOKS LIKE THEYRE BOTH WHITE........

will say i AM very disappointed at how few new writers there r gonna be. 2 on a single episode. Come on now

[windypuddle]

enstars headcanons

ok im going in order but i dont have headcanons for a few characters for sure. so. whatever on we go . just saying in advance these are mostly gender and Autism

fine:

eichi tenshouin: look i cant say anythinf about this guy hes already canonically terminally ill and gay. like what do you want me to do

wataru hibiki: genderfluid. whatever gender fits the performance. shes the moment hes the star theyre the epitome of an actor

tori: boy you are so gnc. princess but not a girl you know

yuzuru: has definitely had impulse thoughts about dying his hair and having a scene phase at 3 am

trickstar

hokuto: bigender. sooooo queer . also autistic

mao: um ritsu braided his hair sometimes when they were younger

ryuseitai:

chiaki: trans guy i have many feelings about this but he leans into the hero thing because its gender affirming. also autism

kanata: no gender only blublublub. likes wearing long skirts. filipino. has like 1 million fish earrings. also autism

tetora: TRANSMASC ‼️💥💪

midori: transfem... also autistic.. she is so important

shinobu: Autism Autism Autism. bonus the detachment from gender that sometimes comes with the autism but he hasnt really thought about it. hes just some guy

alkaloid:

hiiro: transmasc autistic i will die on this hill

aira: my lovely mutuals have convinced me with blasian aira its canon to me now. white french? no. cowards happyele are cowards i tell you. theres such a vast portion of the francophone world that is not white . also transmasc

mayoi: scaredgirl weirdboy core. whatever gender is easier at the moment. she likes being pretty

tatsumi: ok yknow what. fuck it. aroace tatsumi

eden:

nagisa: so much autism. nonbinary guy. religious trauma

ibara: lesbian. not going to elaborate bc thats not my problem ibara is just a lesbian

hiyori: hes just gay idk what to tell you. cisboy gay who is so annoying. when people complain about "gay isn't a personality trait" theyre complaining about him. also chubby

jun: also gay but fans love him for being normal about it. one of his main motivations for working out is being able to princess carry hiyori. hes so polite usually its insane but with eden he doesnt care because he loves them so hes a bit of a bitch

valkyrie:

shu: god is a woman and her name is shu itsuki. transfem and autistic i will Also die on this hill.

mika: transmasc and autistic

2wink:

hinata: men liker but dont ask me about her gender idk

yuuta: i see those slipups in twin peaks girl u are transfem nonbinary i think

crazy:b:

rinne: bigender [wild cheering] also demi aka down bad for niki specifically

niki: tboy swag but hes not really bothered too much about medically transitioning. arospec i think

himeru: Sooooo nonbinary. so so so nonbinary. i like to hc afab nonbinary himeru and mainly got top surgery to more easily pass as kaname but like gahdamn of course you have blue hair and pronouns (they/it/no pronouns)

kohaku: tboy swag . the gender in crazy:b is off the charts

Undead:

rei: 1 million genderqueer and SO gay. has all the problems of an older sister but also the hotness that comes with issues u know.

kaoru: ok. bear with me. aussie. also transfem... like what do you mean you hate men and only hang out with girls. definitely arospec

koga: AUTISM!! weirdgirl to autism boy wonder transmasc swag pipeline

adonis: also autism. he can be gnc. as a treat

akatsuki:

keito: come on man we all know youre gay and insufferable about it

kuro: he should get to have piercings i think

souma: autism boy wonder. while you were busy learning social cues he was studying the blade. also applies to gender norms

ra*bits:

nazuna: boy there is something gender going on with you. weirdboy or maybe a gender cis people have never heard of.

tomoya: That Is The Normalest Girl I've Ever Seen

mitsuru: autism

hajime: girl what is your gender. hes like the narrator of the arch nemesis cynthia post. so poor they cant afford a gender

knights:

tsukasa: autistic and please please please let him be chubby. staring at happyele with my biggest saddest eyes Please let tsukasa be chubby. while you're at it can he wear a skirt. please

leo: ok i give a lot of characters autism because i have autism and i get it but i think leo has adhd

izumi: agender. any pronouns. idk what to tell you he said in next door that he doesnt care about gender only beauty

arashi: only normal one in knights. i love aranee she should get 1 million hours to stress bake if she wants to

ritsu: ah i understand why vampires are gay. occasionally a girl if its funny

switch:

natsume: Diversity win!! the angry witch is transmasc!!! neurodivergent but i think its funnier if i dont specify.

tsumugi: new gender unlocked its pathetic wifeguy. hes every spirit in the fields of punishment and he does it willingly for natsume

sora: wahoo autism ^_^ yippee!!

madara: is cowboy a gender?

feel free to reblog and throw in ur own headcanons i love hearing other fans hcs it is so awesome!!

[made-this-cause-why-not]

Quick rant about ATYD because, the slander just does not make sense to me. It's not a perfect fic and people are allowed to not like it but some of the reasons for people not liking it are just so weird to me. Like- people don't like it because Sirius is sexist.... Sirius is a teenage boy. Do the people that say that hang out with teenage boys IRL? They are sexist and sometimes racists, pieces of shit- especially around their guy friends or girl they think 'are cool with it'. Also, it was the 70's. Like, do people not realize that a white, rich (like fully out of touch with reality, Billionaire with money dating back to the 15th century Rich), SEVERLY TRAUMATIZED cis guy from the 70's would be a piece of shit as a child. Like, as Sirius got older he would grow to regret all the fucked up stuff he said an take the time to actually apologize and stuff but we never saw that because he was 21 when he was imprisoned. He never even left his frat boy era. And then I have seen others be mad because they made Dorcas white. This is a complaint I have only seen from white people and as a Black mauraders fan, it literally does not matter. Like- Dorcas meadows is a character mentioned less than five times in the entire series, with her race being nothing more than a token black person that J.K shoved in The Order to prove it wasn't all white and that the HP world has diversity. Her being made white changes nothing in the plot. People also say that wolfstar is toxic in it, like this isn't a fic about two deeply traumatized boys with no role models or healthy relationships or base their own off of, other than Effie and Fleamont which they don't meet until they are like 13. Like, of course they are going to be toxic and fucked up- their entire lives have been fucked up. The only valid critique I have seen is the fact that the G word is used to describe the wolf packs. Granted, I didn't know that was a slur until 2021 or so, it's still a fucked up term to use. But yeah, I feel like people often say it's a bad work, which is fine if you just don't vibe with it, but the reasoning for not liking it makes me pause a little because 'what?'.

Edit: Forgot to say this but people also hate the characterization of Mary because she is oversexualized, to which I say: so is Sirius. Like, they are both sooooo fucking slutty and sleep around a bunch, the fact that people only talk about Mary in this light can be attributed to one of two things. Either A: grasping at straws, or B: Putting the weight on Remus's narration. Him being inexperienced for alot of his time as hogwarts would allow for any kiss or hookup seem like the end of the world for in his eyes and by reading with the grain I can understand that- but even then don't slut shame the black women and not the Black. "but mary lost her virginity at 14"- people get their sexual urges right as they hit puberty. Teens are horny. In the 7th grade my middleschool took an all day trip that used to be over night until two students got caught fucking in a cabin. 13 year old 7th graders. I am not saying it is right to loose your virginity at such a young age but it isn't unheard of.

Edit 2: Last edit I swear, but I just saw some one's post saying they didn't like how remus having a learning disability was for shits and gigs or that he did drugs and joined a gang. Firstly, remus having a learning disability is a beautiful metaphor for his lycanthropy and class. He is studying along side his friends, completely confused and just playing along to not give anything away. It doubles onto how isolated Remus must have felt and his whole problem with opening up to others. Also, the fact that Remus had to push himself so hard academically just to get the same grades as his rich friends who coast by on their name and the fact that they have been learning latin and french from tutors since they could walk- I mean, it's just chef's kiss. And, do people not realize that people in the real world do drugs? That a lot of people struggle with addiction and are more prone to said struggle when they grow up in a shitty environment with out learning proper ways to cope with the traumatic events? Remus was in a gang because he was surrounded by people who were in a gang- people who understood him more than James or Sirius did.

Like, I know that I can't really say this because I am a legal adult ranting on tumblr, but all of the slander just makes me want to tell people to go outside. Make friends irl- not mutuals. Touch grass, hand out with people you age. Like yes atyd isn't perfect but it was very much accurate to how real people would have been in the 70's and I personally prefer that to the babygirl-ification of every male character in Harry Potter to the points where they are almost caricatures of themselves

[yharnamsnewslug]

You know when other queer and trans people mock transmasc peeps by saying "you wanna be oppressed sooooo bad" and you just sit there in your shitty Ikea chair that you got on discount with Christmas money bc your mother is doing everything in her power to make your jobless ass pay for food with the money you've saved up for top surgery and you see your account dwindling and no one will hire a mid-transition heshe fat faggot and you cry yourself to sleep because t is a regulated substance that you worked so fucking hard (8 fucking years) to get and people tell you that the reason you want to be a man is due to either sexual abuse or trauma from misogyny or that you want male privilege and half of us are thinking of killing ourselves or detransitioning or trying To not be a man because everyone fucking hates us, even the community that was supposed to protect us and we can't ever win and like.

Idk, do you ever just laugh at that shit? I just did. I read it and I wonder how they see me. How they imagine me in their head, what our lives must be like. Black trans men who have mother's and father's sitting down with them and saying, "If you medically transition and look masculine, police will start targeting you." East Asian trans men who are already fucking fetishized and infalintilized and tokenized by cis white women in the West. Brown trans men realizing that women now look at them with either disgust or fear. Disabled trans men, even more emasculated, and taken their autonomy away, their voices away. Intersex trans men who have had their bodies scrutinized since they were fucking born. Trans men who enjoy the things that label someone "feminine" and fully identifying as men, only to be told they're transtrenders.

Trans men who are old, old and tired, discovering this just now, thinking they've wasted time. Or twenty year olds who also think it's too late.

You - you sit behind your computer and mock us and laugh at us and grit your teeth and hate our neck ears and barely-there moustaches and our cracking voices and our fatness or thinness or shortness and mock cis men thinking we don't see the way you body shame the men you dislike. And the men you like. You nitpick and sneer and dismiss our pain as if we weren't stepped on by the patriarchy as well.

As if my entire life I hadn't fucking struggled to be listened to.

"Ladies don't raise their voices. Ladies don't play with videogames. Ladies don't throw a punch."

"Ladies don't get angry."

When the world knew me as a girl, my anger wasn't just justified, but it was righteous and liberating and inspirational.

And now you hypocrites try to strip marginalized men of our voices because you've gotten so fucking comfortable with your little radfem cult. So fucking safe, so fucking easy to consider women and feminine people an all-acompassing blanket of good traits. You saw the radfem Kool aid and you drank it and now look at the state of fucking trans discourse.

So here's what I'll say to you: we don't fucking need you. We don't need your approval to be happy, to have human rights, to have our feelings acknowledged, our trans and queer theory and words "approved".

We don't FUCKING need you. All we need is the fucking WILL to live while you all rejoice in how feminist and progressive you all are, stepping on hands grasping at the ledge, taking out your anger on an easy target.

So good riddance. I spit on your face. I will have my theory, my words, my love, and my transmasculine siblings at my side.

And at the end of the day, all you will have is shame.

[flockofdoves]

finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

[banghwa]

tbh it's not even about whether the individual writers are queer (tho there is something to be said about how female writers, both straight and queer, seem to write a lot of m/m and v few mlm writers get a look in) but about the overall trend of which stories are getting book deals, adaptations, the netflix treatment. it's ONLY the white sanitised gay stories that get that deal. a movie like Moonlight stands on its own because it's so unique and doesn't fit into that paradigm, it didn't get any of that marketing push until it got the oscar nomination. I don't necessarily hold the individual writers responsible but the overall capitalist media market making algorithmically perfect not challenging in any way gay romances for cis white people sry this is just a ramble in ur ask box <3 love ur takes as always

EXACTLLYYYYY i couldn’t have said it better . it’s just the fact that it’s the always the same stories that don’t touch on or contest racism, misogyny, biphobia, lesbophobia, ableism, and other systems of oppression, forget delicate topics in a sensitive, nuanced manner that allows for complex and rich analysis and fulfilling viewing. the issue with so many of these is not that they’re too infantile necessarily but that it is all soooooo neoliberal in the way that it’s establish that lgbt storytelling is only worth anything if it is white, monogamous, gender conforming, cis, and the epitome of capitalist morality. these are always the ones being picked up and green lit but they’re also the only ones that get audience traction . this falls into a larger issue that has been normalized in fandoms of prioritizing white male-centric stories while responsibilizing other lgbt people ESPECIALLY racialized lgbt ppl for not being "good enough" representation for approaching complex topics that can’t be painted by a broad protestant brushstroke as either good wholesome perfect or yucky bad cancelled. it is such a blatant display of acceptability politics - by showing themselves in a luminous neoliberal light, white cishet women and white lgbt people can further themselves even if it means reproducing the very discourses that homophobia roots itself in anyway so long as they can separate themselves from it

anyway pls never apologize again u said it so much better and more succinctly than i could we are sooooo jennifer_check_needy_lesnicki_making_out_in_jennifers-body_2009.gif right now <33333

[stvpidinlove]

[ RONEN RUBINSTEIN, HE/HIM, CIS MAN ]  —  [ SHILOH ECKHAUS ]  is a child of  [ THANATOS ]  with the power of  [ DEATH NEGATION ] .  they were born in  [ 1994 ]  and have been in nemean lion since  [ 2010 ] .  with the change, they  [ HAVE GRADUATED FROM ]  the  [ STANDARD ]  role which makes sense since they’re usually  [ READING BIOGRAPHIES & WATCHING NATURE DOCS ] .  if you’d like to meet them try the  [ MOON ]  building .

anyway...i have a disease where i have to write angsty men regularly

BASICS

hometown: boone, north carolina

eye color: blue

hair color: brown

height: 5′10

sexuality: bisexual

birthday: november 7, 1994 ( scorpio )

BIO

i think...thanatos has a thing for damaged women, and another thing for women who just want to help others, and ruth eckhaus was both. he draws women in who either hate themselves or can find the good in him, which isn’t easy to find. thanatos was cold and often volatile but there was something in him to love. so she didn’t do anything wrong in falling for the literal personification of death, but she made a mistake when she got pregnant.

even if he had been mortal, ruth never thought he was the kind of man who would stick around, even less likely when the ultrasound revealed she was pregnant with twins. part of her was unsurprised, since he’d mentioned having a twin brother.

the twins were born after a hard, long labor, which ruth swore was ripping her apart inside. but she survived, and she was happy for two healthy babies, because she knew she could never put herself through that again.

she met a man when the twins were still young, who wasn’t bad, especially compared to the father of her children. but he said a similar mysteriousness and she often didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. it got better once they got married, but when the police came knocking asking about his whereabouts on the day a young woman was taken (and later killed) a few miles away, she didn’t have a good answer.

with very little evidence, her husband was sentenced to life in prison, and while she never once wavered in her belief of his innocence, it wasn’t as black and white for shiloh. the prosecution had presented a compelling argument, at least that’s what the jury had thought. and at the age of eight, shiloh might have agreed.

his already tenuous relationship with his step-father became even more strained, visiting prison regularly with his mother and sister, but as he got older, it became his choice and he didn’t often want to be there, in that place, seeing the only father he’d ever known like that.

shiloh had always been a quiet, slightly moody child, which only got worse once his father was sent away and his mother was forced to pick up the slack on top of paying the newly incurred legal fees. since shiloh and ariel had each other, they didn’t always notice how harried their mother was, or how isolated they had become at school, because no matter what they’d always have each other.

when the twins were fourteen, riding bikes but already dreaming of getting their permits, ariel challenged shiloh to a race and set off down the street. she looked behind her shoulder to jeer at him when she was hit by a car. she died almost immediately on impact, by which time the driver was long gone.

shiloh didn’t know about his power yet, or...not really. he’d once seen a dead baby bird, the sight twisting his stomach, a nausea which only grew stronger when the bird suddenly got up and started squawking for its mother. he wasn’t sure why the relief of being wrong about the bird made him feel worse, or why he had a headache for the remainder of the day.

but when he ran over to ariel and watched her breathe her last breaths, he grabbed her hand and begged her not to leave him. he’d never wanted anything so desperately in his life, and after a few minutes of crying, he was starting to feel faint himself. his breathing grew more and more shallow, as if the life was leaving his body, but then he saw ariel inhale. in fact, it was the last thing he saw before he blacked out.

he awoke in a hospital bed next to his sister, who by all accounts, was perfectly fine aside from some cuts and bruises. somehow, shiloh was the one sore all over and struggling to get air into his lungs. they looked at each other, simultaneously understanding what had happened, and quietly agreed not to tell anybody else.

but their mother, knowing the truth of their paternity, was immediately suspicious and terrified, so she sent them off to nemean lion the next year in the hopes that neither of her children would die before her.

RANDOM FACTS

sooooo yeah shiloh is an Emo Boy but can you blame him, no <3 maybe he’s valid but i’ll only say that once

basically he brought his sister back to life when they were kids and nearly died himself with the energy exerted and he’s never brought another human being back to life since (and doesn’t plan on ever doing it again)

i guess you could say he...respects the circle of life? he doesn’t want to play, ahem, god, so when someone dies he just accepts this as being a part of life. but ariel’s death was so sudden that he didn’t think before bringing her back, nor did he fully know what he was doing

but he’s pretty sure he could never survive without her and he doesn’t actually know, realistically, what he’d do if she ever died again

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

maybe someone he dislikes but is friends with ariel, or vice versa?! they’re both assholes so this seems unrealistic but uwu

that said, someone who wants to be his friend fsr, or just acts like one without him ever actually acknowledging their friendship /:

i suppose he could bond with someone over not knowing what the heck they’re doing here or what to do with their life or ahhhh!!

he’s been at nl for a decade so mb he do have at least one good friend who he’s almost actually kind of vulnerable around and knows him better than most people

someone who just likes to annoy him bc he is no fun but it entertains them to get on his nerves idk u kno the vibe

[anincorrectpetunia]

On Fitz and his lil' friends...

Ya gotta have friieeeeeends...

...I’m not sure I like the him seeking a friendship with Kenny without the presence of Liv. It seems as though he’s trying to keep Liv close—though he says different. ...As for the flower plant, I remember Olitz talking about the different types and what they represent. He might have left her flowers that represent an apology because she blames him for basically ruining her relationship—which is absurd. --Guest/@edelineSchneid3

I know you feel differently about the flowers after Olivia's episode, but I al so hope you now feel differently about Fitz and Kenny? I don't think Fitz was overstepping by establishing friendship with Kenny. Olivia doesn't own Kenny, nor does she own Fitz. These are autonomous people. And I think Fitz tried to be clear when he went to Kenny that his wish for friendship was not a consolation prize. That's why I had Kenny put up his defences at first. He didn't want to be used. I hope I conveyed that they forged friendship in a hopeless place in both their lives, and turned it into something that is really meaningful in the present storyline (we'll see more). Olivia and Fitz come to have individual friendships with Kenny but also have a relationship with him as a couple (which episode 9 points to).

I loved that he chose to be vulnerable and confide in Alvin. Alvin seems a good choice of confidant, and Fitz needs an emotional support system. He's all alone the poor guy! With his fucked up Dad and Olivia running away. I'm glad he's making some good friends and is getting his own life. It's awesome. ...

His reunion with Kenny was sooooo sweet! And so layered. Man! It never occurred to me that Kenny would actually miss Fitz and be hurt that he stopped coming to the lounge. Or that watching Olitz fall in love would make him yearn for his own lost love, or to feel that love again with someone new. But of course! Brock makes sense now. I am totally here for the Fenny bromance. I wanna read all about it. They are adorable.--@aprillea

Thank you for highlighting the moments between Fitz and Alvin and Fitz and Kenny. One of the themes for Fitz's episode was about the different ways men interact with each other (family, friends, professional, even romantic). I wanted to show different types of connection between men, as well as what it looks like when men forge adult friendships that aren't based in sports or performative 'bro' stuff.

it's nice to see an Olitz writer tackle how Fitz's straight, cis, white male blinders impact the way he treats others. I really enjoy the overarching commentary on the challenges of interracial friendships and romantic relationships. ...I also really appreciate that you don't shy away from topics like Big Jerry's racism and the unspoken hurdles Fitz faces teaching at an HBCU.--@jilyandbambi

Thanks :). I really wanted to get BJ's racism just right lol. Fitz's blinders are at their worst when he's being very self-indulgent--either pain or pride. But, I enjoy wearing in real issues where I can...so long as it feels authentic to me. And I think Fitz needs a way to learn about blackness that doesn't leave it up to Liv.

Also I hope Kenny can find love again not only with just anyone, but someone who can live and love openly and freely as well. He deserves that happiness!--@kmack348

I feel like I always leave the same review, so here it is again: I love your writing. The way you write Kenney, the dialogue that you weave, everything flows so effortlessly and is a joy to read.--@kelleekellkell

I want Kenny to find love again, too. We'll see if he's open to it when we get back to the present timeline.

Kelleekellkell: you could literally cut and paste the same review for each episode and I'd still be grateful. Just say what's on your heart, Boo. I appreciate it. And I LOVE that you love Kenny so much. As the first of a growing cadre of OCs, it means a lot.

Was Kenny too harsh with him [Fitz]? Maybe. But Kenny is broken too and maybe the best person to help Fitz get his act together because at least his love still walking the earth. I'll see what happens.--@ScandalOnica

Kenny was harsh, and I think he recognised that. That's just the way it is sometimes. But, as you said, he was hurting and needed someone but could not admit that. Fitz piling on his problems just wasn't helpful when Kenny was internally dealing with grief that he was keeping to himself. But, I think you're right that they could help each other if they could empathise with what the other is going through.

Oh, Kenny. He broke my heart in this chapter, hearing about what happened with Tariq. It also sheds more light onto why he was so heated with Fitz in pt. 1 of Ep11, this time of year has to be really painful for him. I enjoy Kenny as the Greek Chorus of the main storyline, but giving him a backstory and fleshing him out as a character in his own right-again-adds to the immersion. Also, I stand by my statement that Kenny deserves better than Brock. I think he would do better with a more emotionally mature partner, he does enough emotional labor!--@jilyandbambi

You can thank ScandalOnica for Kenny becoming more fleshed out. She wrote a beautiful thought about his penchant for being a source for others instead of pursuing his heart's desires. She wondered if, perhaps, this was due to his past experiences. I thought about it, and I wondered why he was with Brock in the present storyline. What's he trying to prove or accomplish? When I started writing Fitz's chapter, it felt like Kenny was this 'B' story that then dovetails with Fitz's narrative. That they could help each other. As I've said before, I did not know how much Kenny was going to be present when I introduced him. But since you guys got attached, I've added more.

As for Brock, I don't disagree with you ;).

[popwasabi]

“Picard” S1 Review: Doesn’t boldly go but is nonetheless engaging

Produced by CBS All Access

Starring: Patrick Stewart, Isa Briones, Allison Pill, Michelle Hurd, Santiago Cabrera, Evan Evagora, Harry Treadaway

Many fans had high hopes for “Picard” going into CBS All Access’s continuing voyage into the Star Trek franchise.

Fans wanted to see the lore finally expanded into the future after its previous three ventures (Enterprise, Abrams Trek, and Discovery) took place in the past, bring modern themes and ideas to Star Trek’s futurist’s world view in a way that felt fresh and relevant, but most importantly continue the story of the franchise’s greatest captain; Jean-Luc Picard, of course.

(He’s the best captain. This is not up for debate. Don’t @ me!)

In some ways the new series succeeds at this. We get glimpses of the previously untouched world of Star Trek post “Nemesis,” new themes that are resonant with real world events and exploratory, even critical, of the Federation’s worldview, and of course plenty of Picard himself as he navigates the strange new galaxy he inhabits.

But Picard ultimately misses the mark due to rushed storytelling, half-baked side plots, and just plain poor execution overall. It’s sad because “Picard” and this very talented cast and production team have their moments throughout this first season’s ten episode run but somehow even with 10 episodes of content to work with fans still end up with a somewhat jumbled mess.

(Me by like the eighth episode.)

This isn’t to say “Picard” isn’t worth your time if you’re an avid Star Trek fan or just someone who likes Patrick Stewart in this role in general but the first season will leave you still hungry for more and not in a good way.

“Picard” continues the story of the titular captain, now retired admiral, many years after the events of “Nemesis” as a retired Jean Luc reflects on his life in Starfleet and of his late friend Data who gave his life for his. A synth ban has been enacted in Starfleet after a major riot on Mars some years prior and Picard is understandably sour on the idea, given his relationship with Data, while also fighting Starfleet on not helping the exodus of the Romulans after the supernova that wiped out their homeworld in “Star Trek (2009).” When a young woman comes seeking Picard’s aid after an attack by mysterious assailants, revealing that she is an android and the possible daughter of Data, and gets killed, it is up to the retired Admiral to find her twin sister before she suffers the same fate.

Before we get started let’s throw out some of the bad faith arguments on why this series wasn’t all that good.

“Picard” doesn’t suck because it has “politics” in it. At this point, if you are complaining about the existence of social viewpoints and political/philosophical discussions in your Star Trek, or let alone any series for that matter, I don’t know what the hell you’ve been watching the past few decades. Star Trek has always been more than just a show about cool-looking spaceships and laser beams, you neckbeards.

(Hell, even the other “Star” got more going on in it than that.)

It’s also not bad because of female representation or “girl power.” Again, Star Trek has always had this and frankly having a few more instances of the women of Trek taking center stage doesn’t even come close to rebalancing the scales on the overall massive representation of cis white men across the genre and even the series anyways.

Also get the fuck over the use of curse words in this series. While certainly some instances in this show felt awkward, the use of the word “fuck” does not dilute Star Trek’s overall story.

(It would have made earlier season’s funnier for sure.)

Now that that’s out of way let’s get into the real reasons that, for me at least, the series fell short of an otherwise promising goal of delivering great new Star Trek.

The main problem stems from the series overall jumping off point in its first episode. Picard is understandably still upset about the death of Data and having him deal with survivor’s guilt is a great way to bring this character into the future and reexplore the humanist viewpoints Data touched on in the older series. But also having Picard deal with his fallout from Starfleet, both from the synth ban AND the Romulan exodus, creates chasmic diverging plotlines that never quite come together. The story really needed it to be one or the other. Either Picard wanting to advocate for the continued existence of synthetic life or the rescue of the Romulans post super nova. The latter is touched on a bit through the addition of the character Elnor but doesn’t quite work given that majority of the Romulans in this series are portrayed as villains.

There is definitely a post Brexit, anti-immigrant hysteria message being told there but not enough depth and nuance is given to make it look like Starfleet was particularly wrong here to abandon them given that they do end up being spies committing espionage in the Federation and the clear villains of the first season. The showrunners could have brought these two stories together by perhaps making Soji a Romulan bent on bringing down synthetic life because maybe her twin sister died in the riots on Mars, making Picard have to choose between his commitment to both minority groups abandoned by the Federation but of course, that’s not what the series goes with.

Also suddenly shoehorning in a convoluted anti-synth worldview into the already ultra-secretive Romulan empire was muddled to say the least.

(A decent summation of the Romulans, pretty much ever. Also why is the only Asian actress in this scene in Osaka depicted as an alien, Mr Kurtzman?...)

Some of these ideas could’ve been saved through better editing and pacing though but not enough is done in this first season to mitigate these issues. Too much of plot is told through plain exposition; people sitting down and talking for five-ten minutes about prophecies and backstory instead of having the story simply show us instead. It makes the pacing often slow even by Trek standards and grinds the action to a halt even when there are lasers being shot at one another in the next scene.

Many of these plots get barely any attention too. The Borg cube, why it’s abandoned, and why Hugh is working for the Romulans through the Federation is given surface level development at best. Seven of Nine returns and at one point is momentarily hooked up to the Collective and she doesn’t really say much about it after it happens. The new character’s Rios and Raffi both have side stories given to their development that get touched on once and never brought up again. Dr. Jurati straight up murders her lover and is set to turn herself into the Federation and it’s just kind of forgotten about in the finale. And Elnor, well, he gets to do his best Legolas impression slicing and dicing fellow Romulans with his sword I guess.

(He is still best boi though :3...)

The main co-star however, Soji the perfect android, has a particularly rushed development going from a scientist unknowing of her nature, to supposed prophet of doom, to predictably the savior all in one season. Her arc needed more time to develop with perhaps her Romulan love affair with Narek being the first season’s main driving force and her realization as an android being the climax. 

Instead we get basically four seasons of Battlestar Galactica’s Sharon arc crammed into one season and it unfortunately makes the story feel half-baked.

(Ok, Boomer.)

Don’t get the wrong idea, all these new characters have great individual moments as well throughout the season but sooooo much side plot is shoved in already into a muddled overarching narrative that it feels like several seasons worth of storytelling stuffed and edited down into a ten episode arc. Why the series felt it needed to conclude this robust story about synth hating Romulans in “Picard’s” first season feels like an unforced error in this reviewer’s opinion even if Sir P Stew only has maybe a couple seasons of extensive acting left in him anyways.

But the season isn’t completely worthless, as much as this review has been spent dunking on its less than stellar parts. The cast is exceptional, even working with the spare parts they’ve been given. Episode 5’s “Stardust City Rag,” in particular, stands out as a good mix of old and new Trek, with a decent dosage of cheese featuring Patrick Stewart trying on a French accent in a space bar. Santiago Cabrera is delightful as the ship captain Rios while also playing various forms of himself in AI form in equally enjoyable roles. Evan Evagora is fun as the deadly yet somewhat aloof Elnor, even if his character doesn’t do all that much except cut up a few Romulans. Seeing Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis reprise their roles as Riker and Troi respectively in episode 6 was heartwarming and felt the most like TNG out of all the episodes. And Jeri Ryan seems liberated in this series in this version of Seven of Nine, no doubt glad to be rid of that restrictive corset and Rick Berman’s meddling hands.

(Big “Fuck you, Rick Berman” energy going on in this scene.)

The production value is obviously high level as Trek has rarely looked this good on the small screen. There’s some great cinematography throughout the season whether it’s Picard’s chateau winery, the haunting nature of the Borg cube, or the synth homeworld in the season’s final beats. The spaceships look cool as always and the world of the future feels well futuristic.

The musical score is also top notch, with a great opening theme that feels very much in line with Trek at its futurist glimpse into a hopeful cosmos.

The season’s best moments though are between Picard and Data and will remind you why they were more than likely your favorite characters on TNG. Generally speaking, exploring the humanist themes of artificial intelligence in new Trek was a good choice and having Picard deal with survivor’s guilt kept the pulse of the muddled story still beating. Brent Spiner is still great as Data and will remind you all again how talented he has always been as an actor and though his age seeps through the makeup a bit he is nonetheless still a perfect android.

Though the finale as a whole is underwhelming, the characters do share a nice final moment that is both touching and reminiscent of everything a fan loves about Star Trek. It’s a great cap to an otherwise ok return to Star Trek for TNG’s top characters and its truly touching in the best way that this franchise has always been known to be.

(Deactivating my emotions chip because I just..can’t! I just can’t, ok! *Sobs*)

But great acting and high production value can only mask so many flaws with a convoluted plot and “Picard” unfortunately suffers from the bloated and uncooked nature of its many ideas. What the story really needed was three season arc not just ten episodes and it shows. I guess the plus side is with this particular plot wrapped up it leaves the door open for new ideas and a fresh start in the second season but it does feel like an overall miss for Picard’s homecoming back into the universe of Star Trek.

Overall, though there are worse ways a Star Trek fan can spend their quarantine than watching “Picard” and there’s certainly enough here for fans to latch onto and have hope for better things in the next season.

Hopefully things are less rushed or at least more focused in the second season and we can see a more proper return to form for both Picard and future Star Trek.

Here’s hoping the producers and writers make it so…

VERDICT:

3 out of 5

Let’s hope we get a return of Q in the next season.

[oceanmonsters]

thoughts on “tall girl”

I’m gonna make another post actually going into detail (edit: made post here) about some of the points that really bothered me (because I had a Lot of thoughts while watching this) this is just an overview & what I was thinking while actually watching the film:

movie about a straight white girl opening with Make Me Feel by Janelle Monáe playing...........

the movie is going so hard straight off the bat with the “Jodi is alienated and unaccepted by society because of her height” with the parallel being made between Jodi and the character in the book

“You think your life is hard” god I was really trying to go into this movie with an open mind but literally within the first 5 minutes they’re doing exactly what I predicted and making it seem like being tall is literally the biggest source of oppression ever. Like yes, her life is harder than it would be if she was average height but she’s still a rich cis straight white girl. That doesn’t mean she can’t have problems but there are SO MANY people with lives harder than hers. This line was so tone deaf that it’s so hard to give the rest of the movie a chance.

“How’s the weather up there” is literally being treated as if it’s a slur. Like yes it’s annoying but it’s really not that deep.

this school seems very racially diverse which is usually a good thing but when you’re framing the white girl as having the biggest problems and being picked on / harassed by everyone else, it’s really not...

the scene with the mom taking about her “problems” in high school for being so beautiful and popular and asking Jodi if that counts as adversity and her being like ‘what the fuck, is this what she really thinks adversity is’ is literally a metaphor for me watching this movie rn

her friend Jack is Sam from American Vandal and that’s not relevant to the plot but I keep thinking of his name as Sam now

Sam: He might not even be smart

Stig: *writes the molecular formula of the molecule drawn for which literally all you have to do is count the number of atoms of each type, and happened to recognise the molecule

Sam: oh NO what’s he DOING fuck I’m screwed he’s a genius he’s literally the PERFECT GUY

also is the movie really trying to tell me Jodi is the tallest person in her whole school? There are NO guys taller than her? Because my school was definitely smaller than most American schools and there were definitely at least 5 guys in my year taller than 6’

most of the mean girls making fun of & laughing at Jodi are WOC which really feels wrong...

why is he talking about c-sections what the fuck that was so creepy!

why is Jodi acting like just because she’s tall she somehow has some sort of claim to Stig over Kimmy... like I know Kimmy was horrible to her and now she’s dating the guy she likes which sucks but Jodi’s not entitled to Stig’s affections and he clearly likes Kimmy back but she’s acting like Stig is rightfully hers or smth

Sam is the best thing about about this movie so far, like his character is annoying but he’s actually not bland and is somewhat amusing to watch

also I literally can’t remember his character’s name, they just call him Dunkers or Dunkleman, they haven’t mentioned his first name since they first introduced him so I’m just gonna keep calling him Sam

he just kissed her even though he has a girlfriend... Jodi, run away girl

why is she enabling her sister’s extreme dieting?? This is a teen movie, they should really not be normalising this

I don’t know if it’s because of Griffin’s acting or because of how bland the other characters are so far but Sam is actually my favourite character so far even though he’s annoying and is actively trying to sabotage their relationship... like at least he has personality

also she keeps going on about how tall girls never get the guy or aren’t considered attractive or whatever but she’s had 3 GUYS be interested in her throughout the course of the movie

this kissing scene is making me very uncomfortable... like it’s sooooo zoomed in on their faces to show how they’re all looking at each other

who let Sam just come into her room while she’s sleeping???

he’s sitting on her bed and watching her hello????

he’s now weirdly touching her hair

SHE FUCKIN DECKED HIM SHKSHDKSJ and he deserved it

also this has been bothering me for a while but why does this kid wear so many rings. Who made this style choice bc it adds nothing to his character and imo just looks weird

I’ve also been noticing this for a few scenes but her house is SUPER nice, damn. Like she’s definitely rich, which makes the “You think your life is hard?” comment even more tone deaf.

okay Sam’s actually redeemed himself, if your friend wouldn’t charge at someone way bigger than them with a fucking crate for being an asshole to you are they even your friend

although DAMN if he’d actually hit him with that crate he could have seriously injured him, he was going straight for the head

why was everyone cheering so much for that bland, cheesy speech that was all about her. If I were in that crowd I’d just be like “girl get down & let us enjoy our dance, jesus.” Like realistically hardly anyone would be invested or really care about what she has to say because they literally don’t know or care about her. The movie’s acting like she’s known by everyone in the school, when in reality while people would recognise her they probably really don’t care that much.

also yes, some people in her school are assholes but I refuse to believe that the majority of her school constantly going on about her height - especially if she’s been at the school for a long time, they should be well past used to it by now. Most people in the crowd probably literally just don’t care about her at all and just want this to be over

this guy carried his shit around in a milk crate for all this time JUST IN CASE she ever wanted to kiss him?? I honestly don’t know how to feel about this because on one hand that’s a really extra level of dedication, which I somewhat respect but on the other hand... it’s just way too much

I literally feel nothing for this couple at all - I like Sam but as a couple, I wasn’t rooting for them or particularly happy or satisfied when they got together. Also, they didn’t show Jodi liking him at all up until this point. He was in love with her but there was no indication that she had any kind of feelings for him whatsoever. I guess it could be one of those situations where something happens and you see them in a whole new light and realise that you’ve been overlooking them the whole time but I feel like the timespan between her realising this and then getting together was way too short for me to actually care about them as a couple because for like 98% of the movie the attraction was completely one sided. If they’d shown her starting to have feelings for him earlier in the movie, e.g. when he started dating Liz, and shown her feeling jealous or upset or anything that indicates she actually does have underlying feelings for him but is scared to date him because of the height difference or whatever, I think I would’ve found the romance way more believable.

Also the characters of colour are so underdeveloped & sidelined in this movie - there’s Fareeda, who is literally just a walking “angry black girl”+”sassy supportive black friend” stereotype. She has no other development throughout this entire film. We literally know nothing about her other than that she’s Jodi’s best friend and always sticks up for / supports her even though she’s clearly ungrateful. Kimmy is a one dimensional caricature of a Mean Girl with apparently nothing else that matters to her but being a dick to Kimmy for no reason and being popular and being Homecoming Queen. There’s literally no reason given for why she hates Jodi so much either, because she’s never shown being awful to anyone else - she just really has it out for Jodi. And apart from Fareeda, the only named characters of colour only exist to be rejected romantic interests for the white characters and have no purpose or personality beyond this.

Overall I wouldn’t say this was the worst movie I’ve watched but I disliked it more than a lot of objectively worse movies I’ve watched - it was definitely one of the least enjoyable and most frustrating movies I’ve ever watched. I was hoping that even though the premise seemed dumb it would still be a cute, enjoyable teen movie - but they focused so much on how much supposed adversity she faced and how difficult life is for a tall girl that it’s hard to focus on anything else. Honestly I think that if they’d just cut out all of the dialogue about how hard life was for her, about adversity, about how “tall girls don’t get happy endings” or whatever, the movie could actually have been somewhat enjoyable with the rest of the plot being the same. It could’ve just been about a taller-than-average girl who feels insecure about her height trying to date a tall guy but realising her best friend is actually the right guy for her - and realising that it’s not the world that’s holding her back, it’s actually her own insecurities. My opinions on the quality of the plot and romance are obviously just my opinions and you obviously don’t have to agree with them but I don’t think you can deny how objectively tone deaf the premise is and how the characters of colours are basically sidelined and only exist to support the white character’s storylines, which is why I’m definitely putting this movie in the Never Watch Again pile.

[nyruratchet]

Notes 4 - The Morning After

“People. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

There are pills for straight couples to avoid pregnancy after a few moments of bliss, there are pills to help people stay safe from contracting HIV, there are pills to recorrect the chemical imbalance for people struggling with mental issues; there are pills for EVERYTHING, but no one has derived a magical pill to fix the pain one feels when forced to wake up the morning after valentine’s day alone.

Actually, this problem doesn’t just exist on Valentine’s day. But, seeing as how I’m perpetually single, I can attest to the fact that this day is the most painful (all other holidays come second). Just yesterday, someone asked a question, “yall fall in love with niggas y’all meet on apps??”

My response: Honestly, what are the other options? This is a legitimate question...

Him: Go meet someone in real life...apps aren’t real life! You don’t know that nigga til u see him. In real life, u see everything you as over and over on the app.

Me: You do (meet them), but those are the same guys on the apps. And no one gives you the time of day at bars, events, etc. So, ur stuck with friends of friends, coworkers (nope) and apps...really (WTF?)

Him: Idk who y’all meeting but niggs stay tryin to see wassup on the low when I’m out...especially the damn gym!

Now, I then had to check him and remind him that, just because YOU are so attractive and have thousands of followers that men just flock to you, THAT IS NOT the average gay man’s reality. Just recently a black man on Grindr says he doesn’t like black men. Only whites and latinos. Yep, this is the world I live in. So when you all think I’m crazy to think I’m not in someone’s league, please know there are factors in the chess game that I’m aware of that you have NO CLUE about. Being the darker brother in the gay community is not easy and constantly I am made to feel like I’m not worthy of inclusion in it. Being dark is not acceptable. Nor is being skinny. Nor is not having a BBC (which is all anyone seems to value from us). Nor is being open to love; I’ve been faulted way too many times for that tbh. Almost as many times as I’ve been skinny-shamed or considered fem. Guys in our community are looking more for TS girls than black men. Period. I see “girls” on Grindr far too much. THERE, I said what I said. Grindr’s way of dealing with this influx...ask me to list myself as a CIS man. NO THE FUCK I WILL NOT! I’m a man. These labels are too much. can’t meet men in bars or apps or work. So, let me know...HOW?

To lose my virginity I had to get on craigslist and whore myself out like a rentboy (no money involved) only to get this catfish older man to respond. I was 21 years old and saw this as my only chance before moving to NY. Guys throughout my life up until this point (as i wrote about in my last post) had been ignoring me. I was invisible in the world of gay sex. I might as well have been a eunuch or a monk. I was always the “friend”...still am. So, I took this less then adequate gentleman and let him penetrate me for the first time; give me my first kiss (yuck, it was awful); and teach me a few things. I thought, after this, I’ll never have to settle for less than I deserve...BOY was I wrong.

Back to the part about me being invisible for a moment. Throughout high school, people knew I was gay. I told a few guys and expressed interest and they paid me no attention. COME TO FIND OUT, my (at the time good) friend Jonathan, had slept with a quite a few of them. (Backstory, I fell for Jonathan, he spurned me too, we became great friends, he then transitioned into being a woman, and now we don’t really talk). So, When I found this out, I was devastated. TO THIS DAY, I will never understand why I was not enough. I was SOOOOO nice to these guys. Dustin used to get picked on in middle school, and I used to stand up for him. Nick was the most beautiful boy in the world in high school with a smile that could like up the darkest soul and I would always root for him, etc. But, I wasn’t who they wanted. I mean, You think I’m a good guy now, you should have known me back then. I was such a kind spirit. My soul is so dark now and I don’t think that will ever be rectified.

These next instances are the reasons I will never be untainted. THESE STORIES ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. If you don’t want to cry, feel sorry for me, or worry, stop reading now.

I have been abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. These stories are in sequential order.

When I was traveling once, I was drinking and felt like fulling one of my fantasies. I don’t remember why, but i know that I hadn’t been touched in a WHILE. And for a person who needs that, just a moment where someone can use you to “get off” is enough to make it through the night. One fantasy that is very popular in the gay community of being fucked by visitor who comes in the unlocked door and fucks you, then leaves after he finishes. No strings attached (NSA), photos presented beforehand (pics), usually some time of safeguards in place. I was new, and it was my fault. This guy sent me pictures on whatever app I was using, think it was Craigslist. He told me all his information, I told him where I was staying and said I’d be blindfolded, ready for him to fuck me when he walked in. As SOON as he walked in, I heard the door close and lock and I had a feeling something was wrong. He came up behind me, naked and grabbed my neck chokingly and SHOVED into me. And this guy’s body was WAY bigger than what he said. He was chub/stocky and nothing like what he had sent me. I tried to tell him to stop, that I didn’t want HIM. But clearly, he had done this before. And this was before catfishing was a THING. So, he wasn’t going to stop no matter how much I struggled. So, I resulted that this was a part of the “fantasy” that I had signed up for. I could NOT call this rape. I will never call that rape. Yes, someone lied to me, wouldn’t stop when I said so, but I was totally in the wrong here. I put myself in a situation to be taken advantage of by a stranger. That is one of the things that makes this fantasy so hot. Just happens in my case, that it went terribly awry,  So, I went limp and let him finish. He left. I locked the door and took down the posting I had made. My throat was on fire and he had pulled my hair too hard. But he was gone and I was alone again. 

Another time in a hotel room, laying over in Washington, Dulles I was getting ready for bed. I was hungry, so put my iphone on the charger, grabbed my food and went for the microwave on another floor. When I came back, my phone was charged enough to check my facebook. As soon as I opened it up, on my timeline it says “PAUL IS IN A RELATIONSHIP”. I said, wait...what? My Paul? the one who I helped move? The one I got a xmas tree for? The one I held while crying? The one I protected from himself? The one whose bed I was JUST in? The guy I had been talking to like every day? My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Now, I’m not nor have I ever been naive. We weren’t a couple. He wan’t mine. But I wanted him, made it known. He said lots of things that didn’t add up to much. But, I was in his life, so I accepted that until he could give me more. But when I saw THAT status. I LOST it! Why? because he had told me WORD FOR WORD: “I don’t want a relationship right now. I have some little twink guy from this broadway show who likes me, but I’m not interested.” I always did status checks to make sure I didn’t get blindsided. But alas, here I was despite all my effors. My body went NUMB. Tears ran down my face. I dropped to my knees and asked God or whomever was in charge of things WHY the FUCK was it not me?? Am I not cute enough? Am I too poor? Not successful enough? What did I do? I immediately texted my friend Ant and told her what was up and that I was ready to end it. Before I knew it, I was on a 3 way call. What no one knows is, at one point I was bathroom, in the tub, with a razor, a full bottle of advil, a bottle of wine to hopefully make the blood run faster. I had never contemplated killing myself. This was a knee-jerk reaction to someone I loved with every fiber of my being choosing to give his love to someone else who didnt even have to try! If he could throw me away after I gave all I had and more that I didn’t even know I had in me, and he STILL didn’t want me, how is anyone else gonna love/choose me? So, I was ready to end it. Cuz I knew, this would not be the last time this would happen; guys don’t seem to care who they hurt or how. Paul texted me and said he didn’t owe me any explanation “dude”.  But my friends talked me down from that ledge I was prepping to jump off. I also was terrified of doing it. I didn’t know if it would even work. And I didnt want my family to go through that. Till this day, that is why I could never commit suicide. I do think about it, yes. My life sucks. And try as I may, I don’t see a reason for me being here. And yes, I’ve been to many therapists ever since college. Its not a problem that can be talked out. I suffer from depression that can only be assuaged by fixing the problem; the problem is my life. (love, money, music). So, I just try to keep on. I’m not bi-polar; although, sometimes I wish I were. That is a diagnosis that can be managed with medication. My life, cannot be managed. But I’m trying...I am trying.

Now, as I mentioned before, not a big fan of coworker dating/fucking/etc. HOWEVER, there are 2 people I have always said I’d try if I had the chance. Because they may be reading this (doubt it, but I will fight my petty urges), We’ll just call them Trip and Kurt. Now, Trip and I have been messaging off and on doing this whole cat and mouse thing for years. He winds up telling me he’s interested but we couldn’t tell anyone at work; which I agreed to. And would have tried to keep his confidence, FOR HIM. He is really against work relations as well. This all started with grindr and just escalated to us talking off and on. Finally one day, he texts ME and asks “Hey sexy, you in NY?” I wasn’t. Was working. But I never post my whereabouts on FBOOK so, the question was warranted. He said he really wanted to fuck. Our paths kept not being able to cross. So, LONG story short, I rearranged my schedule and we set up a “date” at his place when I got back. I was working a redeye. Told him I’d get home, run my errands take a quick nap and be over to make a full day of it. Trip agrees with everything. I do exactly what I say (I’m a Leo, it’s what we do. We’re consistent. We’re straight forward). I pick up a bottle of $20+ wine to show him I really give a shit and to be courteous because a good southern boy doesn’t arrive at someone’s house empty handed. I knew he had been done wrong and I wanted to put my first foot forward, even if it was just sex he wanted. I message him when I was on the way back home...no response. Ok, I wanna shower. Text him again...tells me he’s out. I say, “ok well just tell me when to head over. I’ll be at home” He says “ok sounds good baby.”  Ok, so I take my hour nap so I don’t miss his text. (For me, you KNOW that is no small feat!) I get up and he still hasn’t messaged me. So I wait...and wait...and wait for 5 hours. Then I text him “Ok...well, headed to bed I guess. Hope you had a good night. (he’s scheduled to work the next day so I KNOW no late fun was happening)  But beforehand, my spidey senses were tingling. So, I got on facebook. OH, he’s out living his best life! Fuck MY time right? Awesome. I had a drink then went to sleep. Next day, he messages me that he fell asleep after getting home. BOO, so...you left your friends (after you went out...yeah, I saw the check-ins), hopped a train, got home, and never NOT ONCE thought to text me to tell me a damn thing?! But you say “sorry” and I’m supposed to just accept that? No. I wanted you past the point of that barrier I placed up barring all guys I worked with. You just took a big dump on that AND made me feel shitty in the process. I took that bottle of white wine to the head by myself at some point btw...

Now Kurt, he’s special...I met him and was immediately entranced. To keep this one shorter, he also told me HE DIDNT WANT TO DATE ANYONE. Guys need to stop telling these motha fuckin lies!  Ok, so I’ll be your friend. But I really like him. So, I’m minding my own business and facebook again notifies me, Kurt is in a relationship. OH? with WHOM? Oh! someone we work with? Someone you met AFTER ME?! Interesting...now, when this boy confessed a secret to me, I was totally loving and told him my past experiences and that he’s and amazing person, etc. So, the next time we work together, I don’t mention his new BF. He brings it up and explains how and why he fell for him. WOULDNT YOU KNOW IT, the boyfriend said the same thing I did about his secret but just BEFORE he happened to conceal it. I tried so hard not to roll my eyes when he told me that. It was like a smack in the face. If you don’t think I’m cute, just say that. But don’t talk about how someone’s heart won you over. Cuz I was here loving on you before. I went back up to my room (tipsy) turned on some Aaliyah and cried myself to sleep. I am never gonna be enough for these boys/men. I saw that now. Paul had recently resurged and re-exited my life after telling me he loved me. I WAITED for that! He was the first man to ever say those words. And they were supposed to mean something! And shortly after...he ghosted me again. So, I’m feeling pretty worthless at this point.

No matter what I do, I’m never good enough. I keep trying to be the best me and there is always someone there saying, nah...this other dude is better. Swipe left. “Thank you, Next” (I don’t like Ariana Grande btw.) I have this fear that when I’m old, some guy I’ve loved forever will find me and say, I married someone else. He’s gone now, he did me wrong. We can be together now. Like I’m only going to be someone’s choice after their first choices have bit the dust. That is NOT okay with me. 

So, here I am on Valentine’s day trying to explain to all of you who have someone to “come home to”. EVEN if you don’t like Vday, do not pretend that this day doesn’t matter or make people feel a certain way. I’m alone AND I’m lonely. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel this unless you tell me how to not feel that way; and your explanation better not involve friends. Sorry, friends have their own issues and while checking in and venting is great, they can’t be your life support. They can’t help you take care of your heart. Especially if they are married, have kids, etc. You’re the single 3rd wheel. 

I tried to take myself to the movies. The movies I wanted were all sold out by couples. Dinner, tables full. So, I ate leftovers from yesterday’s dinner I cooked and am halfway through this bottle of wine. You cannot fault a person for wanting love. Finding it may have been somewhat easy/happenstance for you. And I try not to fault YOU for that. Everything has been hard for me. Literally, everything. That’s the only reason I’m still here. Because when something happens, I yell, scream, vent, handle it like Olivia Pope, then continue on. No one is there at night when i lay down. No one said Happy Valentine’s day to me today. No one is gonna smile at me when i wake up in the morning.  Nope, I have to survive my morning after by myself. No pill in hand to help.

“Children needing other children, yet letting our grown-up pride hide all the need inside...acting more like children, than children.”

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi. I believe there is more than 2 genders and I have a friend who doesn't we never argue about it because we have different opinions and that's fine but the other day someone brought the topic up and we started talking about and it got to a point where she said give me proof there are more than 2 genders and I didn't know what to say just to clarify I still believe there are more than 2 genders I just didn't know what to tell her and I was wondering if u could tell me things I can tell her

[WARNING: This starts out as an attempt to Explain Things but turned into a rant about how some people do not deserve your emotional and intellectual labour. Sorry for being inconsistent but I don’t think I can do better than this.]

You can tell her that this isn’t an issue to “disagree” about. It’s a fact that more than two genders exist.

If she wants to argue with “biological sex” then tell her that intersex people are a reality, as much as she might want to argue against that - she’s wrong. There’s people with XX-chromosomes who were born with a penis. There’s people with XY-chromosomes who were born with a vagina. Or with a vagina and an enlarged clitoris/penis. Or there’s people who have XXY-chromosomes. There’s people who have XX-chromosomes and a vagina but have facial hair to an extend that most people would read as “masculine”.

“man” and “woman” are human-made concepts. There’s a long list of phenomena in humans that our society decided needed to be categorised into gender, such as chromosomes, hormone levels, distribution of muscle/fat, amount of body/facial hair, height, genitals and reproductive system. You might be able to argue that biologically “man” and “woman” are extreme cases in which A fulfills a lot of criteria for A and B fulfills a lot of criteria for B. But there’s women with visible facial hair, there’s men with boobs, women with high testosterone levels, men without a single hair on their chest. Hardly anyone, not even cis men and women, fit these categories exactly which only goes to show how arbitrary they are. And then you get a shitton of people who don’t fit in that binary at all because sex/gender is so much more diverse than just two options. We don’t even know how many intersex people exist because some intersex “conditions” (for lack of a better word) are never noticed and/or intersex people get mutilated after birth without consent (sometimes even without their parents’ knowledge) to force them into one binary gender (often female bc that’s “easier” to do in surgery). Hardly anyone has their chromosomes tested at birth - or ever - so we don’t. even. KNOW. how many people there are with chromosonal variations other than XY and XX.

And that’s only the biology and says nothing about a personal internal thoughts and feelings and identity. If your friend agrees (?) that intersex people as well as trans men and trans women exist then she must acknowledge the fact that genitals are not the same as gender. If she accepts that as fact then she should see that there’s sooooo many more options than just that.

Not to mention the simple fact that there are living breathing human beings who are genders other than “man” or “woman”. Non-binary people exist. There are and have been non-western cultures with a completely different understanding of gender (at least until they’ve been colonised and white people pushed the man/woman gender binary onto them). Your friend is extreme disrespectful to claim she knows better about other people’s gender than they do. It costs her zero cents to not be transphobic, nb-phobic and perisexist.

Sorry for writing myself into a rant here. At this point I honestly do not see why you’d even want to go through the effort of explaining this to her. If she were truly, honestly interested she’d just have googled this. It’s all out there and countless people have explained this before. There’s a difference in someone asking “I have never heard of that, would you mind directing me to some resources?” and someone demanding proof. She is trying to talk you into giving up. She is expecting you to do all the work for her. She is using your emotional and intellectual labour because she’s too lazy to do it herself which only tells me that she’s not actually interested in having her mind changed at all.

It’s not your job to change someone’s mind, especially not if they aren’t willing to listen and learn.

So.... yeah, you can tell her all that I’ve said above, you can give her resources, you can do all the work. Or you can find better friends because to me it honestly doesn’t sound like she’s worth it.

Maddie

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

Hey! So Ive been trying to have more love for myself lately.. and it’s hard after having so many negative thoughts for so many years.. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to work on self love more.. and how can I be confident in what I wear or do even though I am a bigger girl... sorry if I’m bothering you.. I see you give great advice out and this has been weighing on my mind :( .. love your blog by the way! ❤️

Hey! First off, I give you all the kudos for trying to build up your self-love, because that shit ain’t easy. As a fellow bigger girl, it really does suck that extra bit more because of ridiculous societal messages telling us that “skinny” is “pretty”. 

So, this is just 100% a suggestion that helped me, and I can’t say it’ll help everyone, but I’m still gonna throw it out there. Because I despised my body ever since I hit puberty. I was always the “curvy” one in my friend group in middle school and high school, and even in undergrad I was sooooo hard on myself and always comparing my body size to others and feeling “fat” or “inadequate” (which, by the way, I’ve learned fat isn’t a dirty word. It’s just another adjective like any other word, and I love reclaiming it for myself because why does one word create so much angst in us?). Well, I hit grad school and finally decided enough was enough. We only get one body in our lives, and it’s the ONE thing that is ours and ours alone, so why was I waging war with the one true home my soul had? 

So, what I did was got a full-length mirror (eep, I know). I put that sucker in my bedroom and I MADE myself stand naked in front of it for at least 5 minutes every single day. Butt ass naked. It was HORRIBLE at first. I didn’t let myself look away, and I took in all aspects of my body from all angles (sometimes doing funny poses or funny faces for a bit of humorous relief because it got intensely difficult some days). And I did that every day for months and months. And ya know what? After a while, I started to notice things about my body that I hadn’t. Sure, maybe I wished my tummy was flatter, or my thighs smaller, but hey, that dip in my waist is pretty cool, and my shoulders have these cute little freckles that aren’t so bad…I think you see where I’m going with this. I started focusing on the parts of my body that I DIDN’T dislike, and the more I did that, the more little things I liked that I noticed. I did it with my face too, and really took in my features. And the longer I did it, the easier it got. And now, over 5 years later, I still have a full-length mirror and I still make sure to look at myself naked every day. I don’t always do it for 5+ minutes nowadays, but I make sure to get in a few good looks. And sure, there’s still days that I’m like “oh god” and start to get that negative thinking, but there’s also days where I look and think, “Well damn, I look pretty good!” We all have positive and negative self-esteem days, but it’s not letting the negative ones take over and telling those negative thoughts to fuck off. 

It’s also been me having to rewire my thought process about myself, as well as taking apart the stigma of what is considered “attractive”, because that word is so subjective. I’ve had people who say how attractive/pretty/etc they think I am, and then I’ve had people say comments that I’m not even gonna write out on here. The point is, you’ll never make everyone else happy, but what’s important is that YOU’RE happy and comfortable in your body. Regardless of size, shape, color, ability, etc…we ALL deserve to feel happy with the body we’re given. 

Another thing that has helped tremendously is my support system. I have a group of friends now who NEVER enable that negative thinking. In fact, I just went to the gyno last month, and I almost fell over when I got on the scale and saw I had gained 10-15lbs. It really fucked me up the entire rest of the visit. So I texted two of my closest friends as soon as I left the office, and I was frantically asking them, “Did I look like I gained weight to you, when you were just here for my birthday?!” And I told them what had happened at the gyno. They both responded with support, one saying that it’s just a number on a scale, and that that number doesn’t define who I am, and that if I FEEL happy and healthy and confident, then fuck that scale (this is why I don’t even own a working scale or weigh myself, bc those damn numbers really mess with  your head). The other friend told me that I was giving that number way too much power, and that I’m so many other qualities than my weight. She said that a number shouldn’t overpower my intelligence, compassion, drive, etc.

Well, they both made me tear up, because they were both so right, and I needed that reality check from them. I usually am pretty decent at giving myself that self-love, but I know that when I need some assistance with it, I have some amazing friends to help raise me back up and remind me that I’m a kickass woman who isn’t going to be cowed by something as silly as weight or body size. 

Holy shit, this got SO rambly. Apologies. I’m so passionate about self-love though, and I know firsthand what a process it is. I also know I’m privileged in a lot of ways, being white, cis, and able-bodied, and I can’t imagine the struggle others who don’t have those privileges have to go through in fighting those societal stigmas. 

Also, as far as what you wear, my advice is just make sure it fits and you’re comfortable in it, and fuck whatever size is on the tag. I used to be all caught up in the “omg, but it’s an XXL” or “but it’s a size X, Y, or Z size pants!” I have another amazing friend who is my go-to shopping buddy, because she’s an amazing emotional support for navigating the horrors of trying to shop for a curvier body (she legit brings a chocolate bar when we go shopping, and feeds me pieces when I start getting grumpy or down on myself if things don’t fit; she’s amazing). She gave me advice one time that always sticks with me. She said, “Ashton, NO ONE is going to know what size shirt or pants you have on. No one is going to demand to see the tag to make sure you’re wearing a large instead of an extra large. All anyone will notice is if the clothes don’t fit you properly, or if you’re not confident in them.” I was like damn….you’re so right. No one but ME (well, and my friend) knows what size these are, so why the fuck do I care, so long as *I* think I look cute in them? 

God, it really comes down to numbers, doesn’t it? Fuck those numbers. Fuck every single one of them. We’re so much more than a number. I am. You are. We ALL are.

Okay, now I’m done rambling. I don’t know if any of that was helpful, but feel free to message me at any time if you need some positive support! Also, I’m looking at your profile picture, and you are so gorgeous, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[hoenursey]

three hundred white cis thirty-somethings/// as a black trans well younger than thirty something I'm going to say you're being rude and condescending, also really ageist

first of all i don’t have problems with thirty somethings in fandom especially as a trekkie since older women pretty much invented fandom and i have manners second of all people who are older than me don’t deserve respect just because they’re old they earn my respect outside the basic respect for all people i have bc i was raised right just like everyone elsethird of all if you don’t think it’s weird that i saw some white lady say ‘i’ve got kids their age but these boys are just sooooo hot 😍’ which is in fact a QUOTE then you need to re-evaluate where you come from and who raised you bc that’s fucking creepyfourth of all you’re ashy and last of all come off anon if you’re tryna talk shit because i am not the negro to fuck with i’ve been dealing with so many layers of bullshit these past few months and already tried to off myself once so i am not in the mood to be the pleasant ass shucking and jiving aunt jemima mammy motherfuckin nigga i was when i started this blog who’s gon go through hours and hours of emotional labour just to explain why exactly people need to stop DEMONIZING NGOZI and START using some CRITICAL THINKING as well as CALMING DOWN because we DON’T. KNOW. WHAT’S. HAPPENING. NEXT.

[ubelyptus]

soooooooooooo bb,,,...,.,,,strawberrry.

......I JUST FIND IT

  interestinggggggggg

how you Big mad cuz MY block game seeems 

skrong or summn

hanh???

oh.

well.

i never blockedt you 

on snapchat 

or whatsapp (you weren’t even muted),

yup, i still haven’t

but i didn’t have a properly working phone...

still......don’t

but either way you keep threatening to split on me 

like a weapon…fcking

manipulative as shit

it just seems to me that you just want to?

you never imprinted tho 

but she did 

so why should you?

i won’t ever, again, fight....

….with you.

my favorite accomplice

i wanted to learn with an open mind 

even after my phone died 

how to remain soft with you.  

even after being callled 

“old news" 

pffft

at least until

 i ‘m  eventually murdered by a cisgender man...

but

don’t fckn

pppppppop shit 

cuz like….. literally…..all i did was change my url.

shit, i Only blockedt you AFTER i saw you referencing gaslighting.

bc uhmm IIIIIIif that is about meeeeeeeeeeee 

ha!!!

 how fucking dare you.…..lyk....wuhh?

like when you said there is no difference between syn and alesia?????

HANH?

oh, but you think i blockedt you first bc i didn’t wanna get my feelings hurt?

….mhhhhhhh. ok.

seeems odd since you’re not liar 

right, eli????

but,,,,,so what’s this about the cozi password change? am i just shifting too rapidly between your and my reality???

bet.

no, i blocked you on things after THAT 

AND THAT WAS TODAY

oh, and didn’t your friend, my so-called “fighting buddy,” anan…

.just,,,,,fckn block me like i’m useless

trash

randomnly 

after all

i asked 

was that they 

not speak to me 

about you?

but YAAAAAAS  twas ONLY Me and simply Myself and just i 

who ain’t wanna get….hurt.

hanh?????

oh ,

obvi,

yeaaaaaaa

yeeeei

truuuu,

sooooo 

sssssorry,,,,but

calling me “old news” or saying i’m “old too” 

don’t forget your girl is 2 yrs older than you 

and then staying silent for these few days about changing passwords

that..... already did that, boo

at least i sent alesia third party emails thru the app, boo

she pushin 30 and can only talk you 

venuse....????. no....a 

talking and 

w a l k i ng tragedy

entyway don’t bring that up just to be loud and wrong about that too

you’re not always wrong tho, you know

you’d probably fuck up and slit my throat 

 powertripping

when i’m wrong about you

and you can only do that if you

 black and white 

me out 

to NEVER BE WRONG 

AND I DO 

ACTUALLLY HATE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!!! 

WHY CAN’T I EVER BE WRONG, ELI???? 

WHY????//

OH your emotions....? about your father that after 6 yrs you didn’t tell me about?

your reality? when you have a habit of projecting?

 and lowkey being dishonest 

to yourself first

 and then subsequently

 to me????

your time? when i’m mostly on yours?????

your efforts? like ripping up notes and telling me 

“my turn” to get fucked 

by you 

was over

when the only reason i was tiredt

was bc i crashed

too tiredt after explaining to You

that

  i‘m not even going to LET you play middleman

for a baby pushign 30????

oh. bet.

but since we’re being transparent:

here are receipts with timestamps:

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-hop-hop

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop+hop+bun

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-bunny

yea you must love dirty laundry

oh.

but that’s what i knew about you.

oh:

be yr own guest my love

i Knew you would ignore the “old news” message since that's literally when you started telling on yourself 

you do treat trans partners

 like side hoes, 

thasssa wholeBET 

and some change

 for you to create

cuz thassssssss 

how you feel about me fr fr

so that “like” is mine but

  i…..actually really Really love that you laughed tho.

bc i haven’t heard you fully belly laugh in a long time.

if ever iirh.

even after knowing you for 6+ years, 

your supposed “first friend “ in the DMV

the person i can trust my life with

the only

you’re my only...

 ,,,,,even after i spiraled 

and cut myself for the first time since middle school?

now my friends are fucking spotting you 

and talking to each other 

about you

oh, you didn’t know. 

but i got mehndi done today 

let a summer baby boy

love 

a cut up 

by me

body

 before noon

today 

thinking i’d see you and we could talk like,,,,

…..like real people do.

and you’d be distracted by the design and not zone in

 on the failed cuts

 on my wrist 

since i’m shit at not just repeatedly carving into 

white meat

 when i can only use a ceramic blade

i just didn’t WANT you to 

so i never “came home to [you]”

you said that on nov 4th/5th of last year

and

i’ve been looking up bpd all day

eventho i told you

  i don’t trust the internet 

sooooo you not telling me 

didn’t hel p

but it’snot at all your job to 

and i sitll

stilllstil stil stilllca’t see

....and i dind’t want you to see.

bc i’m not just a man.

i’m still femme

which you seem to love to forget

and still soft enough, i think.....

i hope…..or learning to be soft,,,,

where it won’t get me killed,,,,,

but where it still counts.

with…or without you.

either way i’m a man who loves you. a man whose phone died at 28% trying to get you to see that i was trying to be soft even after you called me

 “old news”

but,,,,,.....,,,compared to …..who?????? sh....oooo??????

your new girlfriend who is 1 or 2 years older than you?????

and can’t speak to me 

a man who is only barely out of 23???

and instead only whispers

 to you?????

bruh, she’s clearly not fond of me. 

and you’re not a liar , 

so don’t 

she had to tell you that she wasn’t the one putting out “aggy energy”

specifically

during yennayer which

i ruined

and im still sorru

but which means

she’s probably done it in your apartment on purpose already, boo

didn’t think of that, did you

lingustically.,,,,,nope.

oh, but there’s power in a whisper, darling.

i am just cardinal like you

i am air too.

  i should know 

bc i accidentally whistled....and,,,,,,

i only blockedt you so that you wouldn’t “hurt [your] own feelings”

 like you told anan you sometimes do.

sooooooooooooo yea... i

did it so you wouldn’t hurt you. 

as cardinal water/pisces moons 

are prone to do.

you can;t drain

and you can’t drown

 ain’t that how i affirmed you

i already hurt me 

when i dissociated 

and i’m STILL FUCKING sorry 

that there was blood that you had to see. 

i couldn’t stay in my body long enough to clean fast enough

but i still didn’t want you to hurt you bc of me.

like you did repeatedly

bc of bpd or bc of basically cishet or at least cis ~queer girls

or other partners 

like when you were with kat,

who’s still disgustingly attached to a messy white

and now a new black kid.....

or with shushoo.

and how you might with alesia.

no, correction: how you have with alesia. 

how you will continue to, if you’re not careful, with alesia.

you’re a lion facing a prince of a house kitten ,....,

.,, who is homeless.

do you feel good, big boss?

all i asked was for you to listen t

o how you were speaking to me 

on the phone 

at your place of work 

and when she’s there

possibly a place of worshiop

..... even after i told you 

that i was intentionally putting energy into Not fighting you

and you

  say you

"don’t wanna be a middle person" 

but you also….wanna cape for yet another fucking cis girl.

who isn’t even muslim this time. 

HOWtragic.

i couldn’t laugh

couldn’t ever laugh at sway

bc by whatever fortune if you do split or don’t 

 i still  love you

i love you too much

but in those moments after that phone call….

after my phone died…

and my body couldn’t move to charge it.

wouldn’t move….

and all i could do was cry during the adhan.

bc you’re tooo much like matt now

i wish i knew what it could feel like to

 hate someone 

who called you 

"OLD NEWS” 

compared to a bitch pushing 30 

youza WHOLE fuckn clown, dawg.

matt did this same shit

move me out for a new side bitch

yet anotehr cis

look at how cute trans love can be

oh

no

NO

no,

no

no

this is what you give me:

laughter.

BC what fucking luck.

BUT IT’S gotta be TROOF

  s ince you don’t lie?/?

shit I LAUGHED TOO:

it sounds like….

NEITHER OF US

KNEW WHAT COULD

HAVE BROUGHT US

HERE, ELI.

maybe you nursing poison in your own home

and telling me i’m making you feel unwelcomed

on a blog and not to my face did it

fuckingggggggggg. why’ald.

you think it’s too much sweat????? false. 

that apartment stayed cold.

too many tears?

 ok ok yea troof.

but too much love? forreal?

we?????

ooooop

hoooop!!!

oh, you speakin’ french now. our collective colonizers tongue in 20gayteeeeeeeen?????

CAN’T RELATE 

bc I’M TOOOOOO GAY

wow. we ruined it, fam???? fr fr?

nah, chosen fam.

you ruined us.

you ruined us over:

 a cis girl and

your own impatience

and your own anger.

and my slow brain and my slow body

//

i’m not sure she’d find you from maryland

if you dissociated bc your other semi

 but not 

girlfriend emotionally abused you

until people who didn’t know you were muslim

thought you were fucking drunk

and you fucking stilllllll 

work with her?????

why couldn’t you just wait until she found a new job???

ain’t she trying????

or izzzzzz she??????

hahhnh???

where was the damn rush?????

you’re like two goofy high schoool kids 

reaching for the quickest nuts every 6 hours

 like jesus fuck.

you’re irresponsible as shit telling me i’m a grown man making grown decisions and i see this 

?????

unREASONABLE, ELI.

this isn’t a situation of a kettle calling a pot black

 babe

bc i’m actually Black

and you’re not

but she’s black too.

what did i tell you:

"you datin’ two whole Niggas. if you fight me over her, you will lose either way.”

but instead you called me “obtuse”

SAT words for me

 but not for you…….what.,,,.,,,,,,,, fckn luck……..

what luck,,,,,that the one person who housed me consistently

and kept me alive

when i trusted no one

would call me "old news”

and let their cis girlfriend

 turn herself into your

personal "healing” …...

sibkid. \\\\

howTragic like all of CC’18

you know what happens when you slip and get sloppy and let a baby bitch be responsible for your healing?

she leaves. 

for a real bitch 

with microhealing abilities, 

GOOFY.

she worships a new goddess every friday?????

well, i know only of orixas 

and only of black power

 but from what i know of goddesses OFF of OUR continent…

soooon...

at least one of them WILL want a soul from her

just letting you know it might not have to be hers.

…..OH!

and when i chargedt and openedt my phone after days of wandering. ….the last messages from you are:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID “LEAVE [[[[MMMMMYYYYYYY]]]]]] KEYS”

like a fucking baby.

imagine that.

even to you, i’m still a whore.

out…the…bakc….dooor.

??????

i couldn’t even work a john when i wanted to

 if i was sad about you.

but imagine?????

  a cis-pixie woman older than you

letting you treat her like a child?????

then

imagine me feeling shamed into leaving

bc of pictures of your smiling face

after i cut myself and felt shame 

that

in your unwelcomed  to both me and you

BLOOD

 blood 

is what brings me back

 to life.

how.

fucking.

why’yald.

i blockedt you so that you didn’t lurk.

bc THat is what you do.

instead of speaking with me, 

you seem to have expected me

 to read your blog back 7 years.

and just know all of the fatherly things that trigger you.

like…even during the times when i was afraid of my own phone and laptop for 2 months bc of my sister, brother, and birth parents????

funny how i’m the youngest of us “grown folks” and yet still find that really 

FUCKING

immature.

of YOU

to do

you really never knew me, or did you…..??

you donated to me before you even knew me.

so i know your heart has parts made of gold.

but now you show off your crystals and your gold.~~~

yep.

here we are.

you’ve "only every seen [me] as a boy.”

ok. bet.

and unti this post:

i’ve hardly heard you refer to me as a man.

so:

ain’t you late?

ain’t you late, babe??

ain’t you late?

i’m a year younger than you.

which means if you grown

i musta BEEN a man too, boo.

but you’ll always be

 my favorite accomplice

 and always be my favorite friend too.

but you cannot think you can play me by calling me

 “old too” or “old news"

 for young fish who is basically femme trade

and thinking i won’t cut open a fool.

which coincidentally always happens to be me

she’s hardly out to anybody important and lying at work too.

i must be bigger fool.

bc you knew better and didn’t do better.

but i’m being immature.

  ok ...,.,,.,,

cute.

your pisces moon is keeping you from seeing clearly but that’s what young water seems…to do. to much light reflected; tho it is a fountain of youth.

she’s pushing 30 baby 

but true, you’re her boo.

yea, a childish boo.

you ever wonder why her playlist from you had more songs than ours did?

why she can never keep a man around for valentines day?

oh but don’t you love “patterns”, baby????

unless it’s her leaving shit around the apartment

or her triggering you

or her treating your dick like it’s foreign, 

even to you.

my gay ass was shookedt 

when you told me you voluntarily 

triggered yourself

 for her kitty too

but i AM 

a grown man

 who is “running” from….you

you think that statement is not…. dishonest??

you really think that statement is true???

—

i didn’t run. i just

needed space

and you afforded me none.

you couldn’’t afford it.

february is before march which is before april 

sooooooo it’s always a tight month ain’t it???????

oooooooh but you afforded her plenty.

she gets to take off her fucking pants while i try to figure out if i should move from a spot next to you….

on your fucking bed.

she took off her pants to climb near you before she could even say hi to 

nooonoo

ahh right

and THEN ME.

“Oh, you CAN stay”

that’s what She told me.

and you said nothing.

so i left….the room.

i never run.

you pushed me out with your captain save-a-cis silence.

it’s violence.

and

you’re still pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing 

until me…you know 

i, the "old news” 

just feels like he should just 

fucking fall 

onto the district streets

and she finds it

to her fucking fancy 

to fall

 into your lap

like a damn,,,,zel. 

distressedt.

with a roof over her head outside of your apartment too.

woooooooops!

yip, as she is probably prone to do.

her kind….isn’t new….boo.

her kind isn’t new to me

her kind isn’t new to you

you ever wonder why she feels so familiar to you?

she reminds Me of the girl who told you 

she could never marry you 

and is now trying to date someone just like you

so don’t be so unkind to me 

or to you 

or be so foolish

 as to believe i gave up on you

you gave up on me

and on top of that

you think i just...ran

ran….with what clothing?

the ones you packed up for me and left at the door 

that i was suppose to pick up 

and slide out the back….like a fucking whore?

you just tryna be

a cissie's bae

who stay clownin on trans folks now?

oooooooh issa bet, mo

. i mean.,,,.,,.mhhhh i guess?

—==—

but troooof, i don’t “need" anybody.

but i want you.

but you need her.

that’s how it work, don’t it?????

that’s why you risk job security every day.

and let her leave her panties on my clothes.

and let her tell me i "can stay" in …..A, not MY, spot next to you

in yo'bed?

what fucking fools. the two of you.

but “no one is forcing [me] to"

oh, baby you /are/ forcing me too

i look on your blog and then find out you’ve been feeling “unwelcome in [your] own home”

this whole fucking time

all the way since early november, innit?????

if i love you at all, 

what else am i to do?????????????

??????????????????????????/

know that you will self-destruct 

and just…wait for you to????????????????????

???????????????????????????????/

no

i didn’t run.

you just fucking pushed me.

and you’re still fucking pushing.

and you’ll keep pushing.

bc that is what you do.

embe…..@strawberreli 

se sá’m te konne nu’ou.

you like microblogging so much

so like it if you read this shit

[avvidstarion]

1,5,10,15,20,25,30,35,40,45,and 50 for cassa >:)

max i owe you my life

1. What is their view on love?

Cassa is a hopeless romantic and a strong believer in true love and soulmates. hers are Alistair and Morrigan (well, it’s complicated with morrigan. *cassa voice* i can’t believe she took the fucking kids)

she believes in friend soulmates too!! like, those friends that you just click with so much that your friendship had to have been written in the stars. she’s also a little bit in love with all of her friends, though, to be honest. 

Overall Cassa has a huge heart and has plenty of love to go around!

5. Have they ever lost something important? Did they ever find it again?

she pretty much lost her whole ass family lmao. she found a new one with the wardens though :,) 

plus Fergus lived!

she also lost morrigan, but she’s determined to find her again and bring her back. hopefully she will! i havent decided yet!

10. Would they consider themselves a grounded person, or someone with their head in the clouds?

I think she’d consider herself pretty grounded! she’s calm in emergencies, she’s efficient and good at getting shit done. she was raised to be a leader, after all. 

15. How well do they get along with authority figures?

She IS the authority figure, babey!!! queen of ferelden, daughter of a teyrn, arlessa of amaranthine (for a time- she gives it back to nathaniel and his family pretty quickly after the events of awakening) warden-commander of ferelden, hero of ferelden, etc, etc!

as for all of the other political leaders, she fuckin HATES them. eamon? wack emperess celene? wack. the templars? wack. the chantry? wack. king alistair? he’s tight as FUUUUCK.

they’re all corrupt and evil and horrible people!! she grew up in court, she knows the evils of politics well! she hates the Game, and she hates that she’s good at it. 

she and alistair make a lotta radical reforms to the way ferelden works, even though their changes met a lot of resistance from the other nobles at first. because the other nobles suck.

the only nobles/authority figures she actually trusts or likes are teagan, pope leliana, and anora. anora eventually becomes an advisor to the throne bc i hate her actual epilogue ending

20. How easily do they forgive other people?

cassa is a relatively forgiving person, to a fault.

the only time she ever held a major grudge was the arl howe situation. she held so much anger for so long and when she finally got the chance to fight him she fucking snapped. made his death as slow and as painful as possible while the others looked on in horror, and kept stabbing and beating and kicking his dead body until it was an unrecognizable pulp. 

she doesn’t like to talk about that. 

25. Do they have any party tricks? 

she can play the lute and sing! she’s not, like, super talented, but she sings and plays for alistair sometimes, when they’re alone. he loves it

30. When everyone else is sleeping, what are they doing?

reliving trauma lol. she has chronic nightmares and insomnia. 

she likes to walk moose through denerim after nightmares and on days when she just can’t sleep. she likes the peacefulness of the night, and when there’s not a lot of light people don’t recognize her and she feels so free. 

35. How comfortable are they in their own skin?

eh. she’s alright. she has insecurities, but she’s cis sooooo

she also gets some shit from the shittier nobles cause she and Alistair aren’t white, but as a white person that’s not really my lane lol

i think her biggest insecurity is her body shape, in all honesty. she’s super short and a little pudgy. 

40. Do they feel supported or abandoned?

she has a great support network for most of her life, but she doesn’t really like to burden people with her issues so she doesn’t really utilize it.

towards the end of her life, once she starts dying from the blight, she feels kinda abandoned. but honestly that’s her fault, cause she isolated herself and literally didn’t tell anyone until she ran away to the deep roads. alistair woke up one morning and she was gone, a letter addressed to him on her pillow

45. Have they ever made a wish? What did they wish for?

like most little kids in ferelden, she idolized the brave Teryn Loghain Mac Tir, Hero of the River Dane. She always wanted to meet him.

50. Is there something they couldn’t care less about?

cassa is an absolute fashion disaster. her court adivsors make her wear fancy dresses and shit for important events, but she usually just wears whatever specific outfit she’s into at the time. shes the kind of person to wear the same thing every day for months

max thank u so much ily