The Hazbin Graduate’s Guide to Homicide (3)
HAZBIN'S MIDSEMESTER STUDENT REPORT
Student: Vox Vanhal
Supervising Staff: Professor Enoch Leviathan
Sponsor: Not Applicable
To the Board:
Vox Vanhal may be one of the most brilliant students this school has seen in decades. In all my years of teaching at Hazbin, I have never met a student more insanely ready to learn and apply their skills- due in part, of course, to said student's own possible insanity. I mean this in a jovial way, of course, but I will admit that when young Vanhal's true identity was revealed to me that my first thought was along the lines of 'is this student insane?' Whether or not my student's reason should be called into question is something myself and my fellow professor Asmodeus have discussed in length, but there is one thing that we can definitively agree on: If there is any one student in this school who I would choose to place my bets on, it would be Vox Vanhal. There is nothing more to say at this time of report evaluation.
Sincerely, Professor Leviathan.
May God's blessings be with you now and at the hour of our deaths, Amen.
[ 1 ] / [ 2 ] (<- read these first for context and more murder academy radiostatic content!)
Though Alastor may have thought that Vox was much more knowledgable in how Hazbin's Institution for Homicide worked, the truth was, Vox was still fully flying on the seat of his own coattails.
He had no damn clue what he was doing still, and although it'd been two weeks since he'd arrived, part of him still felt like how he did when he'd first arrived: hesitant, scared, not knowing where to go or what to do besides the want to make his boss suffer as he killed him.
That level of animosity might sound strange to anyone not a Hazbin student or alumnus, but it was perfectly normal for any student enrolled in the academy to have such feelings. After all, there was quite a rigorous process involved in the application, and for Vox, this application process (and what led to it) was perhaps more intense than most.
There had once been a time where Vox had dreamed of becoming a Hollywood starlet, one who lit up the silver screen and was blessed by hundreds of thousands of cheering, dedicated fans who would fawn over his every move and action. He'd wanted to follow in his mother's footsteps, at one point. But after taking on his first roles in Carmine Studios, the glamour of Hollywood had shattered like fine glass.
"Miss Vesper! Would you please look over here for a second?"
"Miss Vesper, when is your next movie coming out?!"
"Miss Vesper, is it true that you and your co-star on Anna Karenina, Valentino Vega had an affair-?"
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! That- fucking bastard!" Vox rushed into the privacy of his and Val's shared apartment, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed into the couch, head cradled in his hands. He couldn't even begin to start detailing the number of ways he'd wanted to fucking butcher and rip apart his boss.
Andrealphus Goetia was no stranger to the spotlight, naturally. One of Hollywood's top directors, the man had been an influential cornerstone in the history of movie-making, a real legend to light the days. But behind that picturesque platinum reputation laid a monstrous piece of shit.
It had been a complete accident that Andrealphus had found out about Vox's identity.
Vox himself hadn't even really planned out what to do about himself at that point, only that he'd known that the dresses he wore on screen were far more suited to his best friend than they were for him. Knew that the copious amounts of makeup flattened on him everyday made him feel more like a clown than a princess, that it was the most uncomfortable feeling to have to sit and play the pretty face for the audience's sake.
But he persisted, telling himself, one more year, one more year til my savings account has enough to supply Val and I with a comfortable life and we can leave.
But of course- of course Andrealphus had to ruin it for him.
The man had found out and immediately proceeded to blackmailing Vox with the information, holding things such as promotions, media gossip and rumors over his head. And now... now... Vox stared down at the script he held clutched in his hand, his knuckles turning white as he grasped it with an iron grip.
"Dieser verdammte bastard," Vox muttered under his breath.
Though he'd never loved the spotlight that came with his first taste of fame, he had loved acting. Had loved being adored for his skill, applauded for the emotions that he could evoke in crowds of people and the way he could twist people's hearts. He had wanted to be one of the best, a household name.
And now, he stared down at the script for a movie that Andrealphus knew would tank his reputation. It was absolute bullshit. The plot was held together by thin strings and a bit of glue, despite being an adaptation of one of the past decade's best selling books. Not only that, but the moment he left the safety of the apartment once more, he would also have to contend with the rumors that were steadily piling against him and dragging his loved ones and friends into it too.
All this, because Vox had refused to sleep with his shitty boss.
He could still hear the fucker's voice- come on, don't you wanna say that you got a piece of me? I'll even leave out the part about you being a transvestite, darling, just the fact that I got a piece of you is enough.
God. If only.... if only he could see that bastard's face when he crushed his fucking skull in between his hands. He wanted to see Andrealphus' stupid face contort in revulsion and terror when Vox finally did the deed, wanted to bathe in the the fotze's inbred blood. He'd do anything for the chance to just kill that piece of shit-
"Amorcito?"
Val's voice makes Vox jump on the spot, quickly shifting to hide the script from view. His friend comes around the corner, eyebrows furrowed with concern, and it's this that makes Vox break his composure, a single tear falling down his face as Val frowns, taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Voxxy, amor... tell me what's wrong."
And because he can never keep his mouth shut when it comes to his best friend, Vox tells him everything. Val nods along, pauses at the right moments, all of that stuff that friends do when they're trying to let you know that they'd rip apart your shitty boss if not for the law.
But- and perhaps this is something that Vox knew deep down to be true anyway- Val was a bit different in that aspect. He'd met the man under... less than legal circumstances, after all, and he knew that Val was the heir to quite the illustrous cartel career.
So when Valentino stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder and hands him an application paper for Hazbin, telling him to think it through, Vox barely takes even a second glance at it before filling it out.
Now, two months later and sitting in the auditorium of Hazbin's famed Music Hall, Vox doesn't find himself regretting the decision. Sure, it's a bit lonely without Val's supporting presence by his side, but the students he's met so far have proved to be some of the friendliest people he's had the pleasure of knowing: ironic, considering the kind of school they're studying at. And he's even managed to make a friend! Not that bad a start, altogether.
Vox absentmindedly doodles on the edge of his notes as Professor Leviathan's soothing voice lectures them on the importance of a proper alibi. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, but it has an airtight alibi, it is...?"
"Not a duck," the auditorium echoes back to the professor, who nods, looking satisfied with the class's response. "So, then! The first step to alibi making is...? Miss Velvette, perhaps you'd like to answer this one for us?"
The girl sitting beside Vox shoots up in her seat, looking as if she'd just fallen asleep and was awoken by the professor's question. "Uh... the..."
After a moment of silence and stuttering, Vox takes pity on the girl, sliding Velvette over a slide of paper that she squints at before reading. "Make sure you're in a different place from the crime?"
"And how would I do that?"
"I... uh. Use an accomplice...?" Velvette stutters.
Professor Leviathan shakes his head, looking disappointed. "Not quite. One thing you will have to learn at Hazbin's is that you should never rely on any other person to carry your deed out for you. No hiring accomplices- after all, paid personnel's loyalty is shaky and they have no honor code preventing them from taking you to the police- and absolutely no committing crimes as lovers, unless you can guarantee that neither of you will be snitching. Would anyone else like to take a try?"
Vox raises his hand hesitantly. "Move the crime scene or otherwise obscure the culprit?"
Professor Leviathan snaps his fingers, "Yes! Absolutely. One of the best ways to make yourself an iron clad alibi is, if the pope is shot in the church at midnight, make sure that you are seen halfway across town in the bar at midnight; so drunk that you cannot even leave until your wife comes to pick you up at two- and no one will suspect you, even if he was actually killed right outside the pub and moved to the church instead. By moving the crime scene, you can make yourself an ironclad alibi. Obscuring the identity of the perpetrator and making it someone who couldn't possibly be you also works splendidly. After all, if the police believe the murderer to be a six foot tall adult man, then the actual perpetrator, a four foot tall young woman, would be able to pass by completely unnoticed. Thank you for that input, Vox. Now, onto the actual creation of such an alibi..."
When class ends, Vox is the first to leave his seat and head for the door, intending on leaving and getting to Track with Professor Satan as quick as possible when someone stops him in his tracks with a firm grip on his shoulder.
"Hey. Vox Vanhal, right?"
"That would be me, yes," Vox turns to face the person he's talking to, only to be met with the young woman that Professor Leviathan had called out in class earlier. "You were... Velvette?"
"Yep, that's me," the chipper young woman responds. "Listen, I know you don't know me at all, but I really need to get through this school year. Like- look, okay, I'm in a little bit over my head right now. I still want to go here and do what everyone here does, of course, I'd love to just go and plunge a damn butcher's knife into my cunt of an ex-friend's neck, but... well, you saw how I did back in class- look, what I'm trying to get at is I need someone to help me. And you're like, Leviathan's star student. So- I don't care what I have to do, I'll-"
Vox holds up a hand to stop her.
"I don't need you to do anything for me, unless you've got any tips on how to kill my boss and make him suffer during it. But I'll help you with whatever you need to study during your courses. Just..." He pauses, taking a moment to think out what he's about to ask. "Could you teach me how you did your makeup on your own?"
Velvette blinks, clearly not expecting that response. She laughs, a shrill, sharp bark and grabs his hand to shake it firmly. "Yeah, 'course I can. So, do we have a deal?"
"We do," Vox smiles. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
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how many piercings does rm stan have?
...so many, anon.
So...So...Many.
he also quite literally wants more but management implemented a urgent ravenstanban on him putting more holes & reckless, ~juvenile~ piercings on the 'Face of PunkRock Super Band Crimson Dawn'.
he complained soooo much!!!! he was like Okay But Kenny Got To—and they were like raven, kenny is kenny!!!! kenny plays bass and wears the skull face mask, you are The Lead Singer Of The Band, smh.
laaaaame!!!! whack!!!!
why does everyone hate fun and Hot Boy Shit?
speaking of!
welcome to the ravenstan piercing whore couTOUR. <3
( i got weirdly specifically & passionate abt this — soz )
so he has his eyebrow pierced — it's his left one. one of my favorite things i've written lately is that the two dots go from being a colon to a semi-colon when he furrows his brow, haha. he also does wiggle his eyebrow at little kids at the childrens hospital to make them laugh. also the eyebrow piercing has no significance...i just think its cool, lol. but pep!stan wanted to pierce his eyebrow so raven is living his dream...which is actually a nightmare tbh...being a rockstar sucks. :/
i think his nose is pierced in two places? i want to say he's got a lil nose ring on the left side also and his septum is pierced...love u rae. i feel like the nose ring is usually just a lil silver ring moment or its a stud if he...can't find a nose ring...he loses everything, jersey does organize all his lil emo boy hot topic jewelry later btw. i think that happens even before they're dating bc kyle worries abt him, aaa!
anyways! i think the septum is also p standard, like usually its just the little spheres on the ends, sometimes cool spikes happen? i think they were stars once bc i love starboy stan -- but i also saw this really sick one on pinterest that is bat shaped and i got OBSESSED w/ it! i think that happens sometimes on special occasions bc its COOL!!!!
okay...uhhhhh, so his ears are pierced like Everywhere. in every possible place. i think a lot of them are also just little ring moments, studs and stuff, but his industrial is in and i do think R-A-V-E-N is engraved on it, also sometimes there are little lightning bolts or spikes or xs or lil emo boy crosses hanging off the armada of ear piercings on ravens ears that match the big cross earring which i feel like...looks like this? when the big cross isn't in i feel like its usually something sick like OMG ONE TIME IT WAS A BIG SWORD??? or like a skeleton guy hanging off!!! an anatomically correct human heart?
speaking of skulls and skeletons and things!!!!! THE ICONIQUE RAVEN LIP RING!!!!!! it is just a normal ring sometimes like everything else, but i think the ravenstan signature is the one that looks like a sick ass skeleton hand like??? HELLO??? HES SO COOL?
speaking of being rlly cool, if hes feel really spicy, i feel like he breaks out the crazy hot boy lip ring chain that connects to his ear? idk how to explain that...like This? like the edgy lip ring chain cuff? either way, i am obsessed, he is giving half mexican rockstar miyamura from horimiya. and that's so real bc izumi is gods secret emo angel tbh.
the lipring chain thing...does make kyle extremely feral, btw. like the lip ring in general already makes him feral but...Whew! also i do think he has a little chain that matches the sun and moon one on kyle's glasses BC THEY ARE GAY AND REALLY EXTRA AND MATCH!!!!
ravesey is truly a opposites attract-ive uber fine as hell mega sexy power couple i love them so badddd!!!! pleeease kiss me aaaaa
okay so listen hES NOT ALLOWED TO GET HIS NIPPLES PIERCED AND RAVEN WAS LIKE BOO YOURE ALL SO LAME!!!!! but hes quite literally not supposed to draw attention to the chest area ( which...is that why they put him in the tiny little pants? but also they do still put him in the tiny shirts...however as scandy as he is 25/8 no one has EVER seen raven of crimson w/o a shirt on and everyone is down absolutely horrendous about it...kyle...included...*sprays w/ water* )
also the ex cd guitarist ( who was also a college student, particularly in the area of pre-med/being a surgeon ) was like so i did a lot of research and after top surgery, trying to get pierce things around there is not a good idea, its not super safe also, ur nips could fall off.
and ravenstan was like omg ur being Paranoid!!! itll be fine and then one day, oh my GOD, it was just the guys being dudes and it was 147309473 degrees in the CD manwhoresion bc its old af and ravenstan whipped his shirt off and everyone was staring at him and he was like Jesus Christ You Guys Quit Objectifying Me skdlhs and they were like rAVEN YOU ONLY HAVE ONE NIP SLKHDSLKDLSKHDLKHDS AND HE WAS LIKE EXCUSE ME AND WAS LIKE OHHHHHHH MY GOD WHERE THE FUCK IS IT????
when i tell you they were screaming, crying and throwing up, on their hands and knees searching high and low, HEEEELP!!!! also dw, they found it BUT OHHHHHH MY GOD IT WAS SO FUNNY, he had to get it surgically reattached, all was well...but that dream died with like all of the sensation in his chest area p much...amazing.
but like…
are you really bros if u don't drop everything to look for ur other bros nipple graft & give him positive affirmations during his panic attack?
when i tell you the crimson dawn boys were soul bonded....i mean it. they were literally brothers, i love them but shit happens...smh.
OKAY LASTLY THO!!!!! so i think c.d. was raising money for charity bc they are my charity kings and kenny, being very unhinged, was like okay if we get This Many streams on blood moon i will pierce whatever part of ravens body u guys want wHILE RAVEN WAS IN THE BATHROOM?! IM FUCKING??? he came back and was like ok why is everyone laughing wtf was going on and kenny was like, dw worry just uh...how is ur pain tolerance...and do u have an innie or outie belly button for science and he was like eXCUSE ME KHJSLHS
anyways...they were sloshed, as per usje, it was NOT management approved they did it ON STREAM HELP, raven like PASSED OUT, incredible...oh my god. but now ravens belly button is pierced lmaooooooo, i am crying he was not stoked but he put the cool ass pentagram belly button piercing in and it matches the sick waist chain and hes kinda feeling himself tbh...hes so Fine...pray 4 kyle.
i think...that's it? he do b thinking about that nose chain piercing or the labret kENNY WAS TRYING TO HAVE HIM GET THE HIP ONES AND HE WAS LIKE KENNY NO MORE PIERCING THINGS ON THE LOWER HALF OF MY BODY GO TO HORNY JAIL!!!! like i personally think he would have slayed that w the edgy hip tattoos BUT ANYWAYS HES STANBANNED FROM PIERCINGS! but thats ok the only piercing hes looking forward to rn...is jerseys piercing gaze.
amen, gaymen, live laugh love ravesey world domination and hot boy ravenstan with all the fruity emo boy saucy lead singer boy piercings!
-uncle nina, who is surprised my son's belly button piercing did not get infected because that was seriously unethical and unsterile, also i'm still laughing abt raven losing a nipple, that was so unserious
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