#sometimes i wish i myself had more time to be naive

[neverendingford]

.

[nemesis-writer]

Crybaby

Masterlist TW- neglect, almost-suicide, suicidal thoughts

She stood on the bridge In silence and fear, For the demons of darkness Had driven her here.

So close to falling yet so far from succeeding, I latched on to the bar hoping to make my self let go from the shivering rain. But no, I just held on wishing that a brother or father of mine could save me.

They cut her heart Right out of her chest, Making her believe That the demons knew best.

They depth of my hatred for them goes farther than the deepest oceans and the farthest galaxies. I guess from this you can tell that my life has always been described as a poem from the darkest poets such as Edgar Poe, or darker than the ebony that coats the outside of the unknown galaxy.

I've always loved myself for it, yet I've always been hated for it. The Waynes could also be mentioned as the Addams' family with a loyal butler, multiple suicidal kids, and 'loving parents'. Yet unlike the Waynes, at least the Addams family aren't full of rage and loathesome creatures.

The demons of my life have come from the very same family that held me, hurt me, neglected me, and despised me for the rest of my days.

They were always there, Sometimes just out of sight, Waiting in the background Till the time was right.

Damian was always the one I expected to push myself through the buildings that were made for despair my whole life. Jason, would be considered the first one to have memories with since he's trying to avoid showing the wretched hatred my father has for me.

Tim, Cassandra, Stephanie, and Barbara considered me useless, unintelligent, and fatally naive to the outside world. Then there's Dick, the eldest, the role model, the possibly apple of dear old dad's eye, he on the other hand found me as a means to an end, who wouldn't?

Bruce, I was stupid to assume that we could connect as a father-daughter would. Every day he wished to send me back to the adoption center and nullify all the papers that was supposed to make me a Wayne.

These demons were destructive, Knocking down the life she knew, Hating everything about her; She hated herself, too.

The family that I was inured to, has stabbed, beaten, and thrown me away like an animal. I was considered more as a stray animal begging for love and attention. The human beings that I consider myself to be connected to is Alfred and Jesse. Alfred is the Lurch of this family while Jesse is another being that has kept me from losing sanity in this jail they call home.

I got lucky to graduate just in time before I let myself drown from neglect. But sadly we can't simply run away from the demons we bear.

These demons can't be seen, But they're far from fairy tales. They live inside your mind; Their evilness prevails.

People thought I'm crazy for being ungrateful of this life, my words are deemed fraudulent. But my appearance is out of order, my clothing is ragged, my hair remains dry and bristling, my body now shows malnourishment and scars from my demons. Yet, my eyes remained the same, broken, in front of the face I was gifted to be beautiful became a mask for the truth, my face was meant to be scarred.

I've never felt the scars go deeper yet I never minded of it. But as I was about to let go of the bars that held my fear in it I heard a voice.

"Hello lady what are you doing?"

It was a voice of a little five year old girl.

"Just enjoying the rain little one. Where are your parents at?"

"I don't have any, I just like being alone."

I jumped over the bar back to the bridge, looking at her with sadness.

"Want me to take you back to the center?"

"Suree, Thank youuu!", She giggled.

And we went on our way back.

So on the bridge she stood, About to end the fight. Then she stopped and thought I'll fight them one more night.

Taglist

@lunayaps, @not-aya, @iluvcatzz, @vanessa-boo, @ivyrose9194,@thesehandsarerated-e

[enigma-the-mysterious]

AITA for trying to accomplish my father's dreams and hurting my best friend in the process?

Alright, here we go. So, I (30M) have been working on a pretty intense task for the last few years. I made a promise to someone very dear to me—my father, to be exact—that I would do whatever it takes to accomplish it. To do this, I had to take some drastic steps. We’re talking undercover stuff, working within a system that’s more rotten than an overripe jackfruit, all to get closer to taking down the enemy from the inside.

To accomplish this mission, I needed a special promotion. I have been putting myself through hell and back, but those racist assholes at higher up kept passing over me to promote Mediocre White Dude #57. Then a few months ago, I finally, FINALLY made some solid progress when my boss's wife guaranteed me the promotion if I could track down and arrest some anonymous dude who was proving to be a security issue for my boss. Pretty straightforward, right?

Now here’s the issue. At about the same time a few months ago, I met this guy; let’s call him A (26M) for now. My work-life balance had honestly been, well, shitty to say the least, thanks to my father's mission, and I barely had the time to socialize and make any meaningful connections in the city I moved in. Meeting with A had been a chance encounter too. Long story short, we clicked instantly and became fast friends. He is a great guy all around— smart, funny, passionate, good natured, kind, helpful— just about everything you can possibly wish for in a friend (although he could be a little naive sometimes).

But here’s the kicker: a few days earlier, I found out that A has been lying to me about... basically EVERYTHING! ALL this time. He is not from the city; the people he claimed to be his family are not even related to him. Even his name isn't A, it's B! But what's worse is that he is exactly the guy I was supposed to arrest. And he was on a mission too. Except his mission was not targeting my boss, it was to rescue someone— his sister M (9F) to be exact— my boss and his wife had kidnapped and enslaved (long story). Yup, that’s right, we were on opposite sides without even realizing it.

Things escalated quickly. I... well… I had to make a choice. I chose to betray him to keep up my own cover and stick with my father's mission. And yeah, it was brutal— there was a literal fight to the death involved. I tried to convince him at first to surrender without fighting, but of course B didn't listen and refused to back down. I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt to turn on someone I came to respect, even love…. uhh…. like a brother, of course.

And then, to rub salt to the wound, once I arrested him, my boss (FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK DIE BITCH) ordered me to flog B publicly till he fell to his knees and begged for mercy. Yeah, those were his exact words, that bastard! I felt like I had no choice, so I did what I was told. And it was one of the worst days of my life. I kept asking B to kneel so I could end the torture, but he is one stubborn and tough motherfucker and decided he would rather suffer through a public torture session than kneel. My dickface boss and his bitch wife weren't satisfied with how little blood I was drawing out of B, so they kept escalating the torture until B couldn't take it anymore and fell unconscious.

I ended up hurting him so badly, both physically and emotionally. It is fucking me up, honestly. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even get out of my bed right now. I honestly feel like dying.

So, AITA for betraying and hurting my best friend to accomplish my father's mission? I did what I thought was necessary to save countless lives, but I can’t shake the feeling that maybe I went too far.

Edit: No, B did not know that I worked for the people who kidnapped his sister. He did not befriend me to take advantage of my position, as some of you have been implying. He did not, I repeat, he did NOT betray me. If anyone has betrayed and wronged him, it's me!

Edit 2: No, I didn't tell B my real intentions and my father's mission. Didn't you read the post? I am working UNDERCOVER!

[wtfisgoingonirl]

Why this could be an explanation

I have to get this of my chest. Like our beloved Lukola bloggers I am still on board with N and L being married and expecting a surprise. I don’t care if anybody thinks that I’ve lost it. All of us are allowed to feel crazy sometimes.

Here is the short but not entirely concluding explanation for what we have witnessed during the last months. I had a lot of theories over time, but at the moment this is the only one I find most likely, even if it’s a wild guess:

L gets into his romantic feelings for N on set of s3. N feels something too, but hesitates. Bc they are best friends nothing happens between them. N wouldn’t want to be in a rebound situation bc J broke up with L during filming and she is occupied afterwards by other projects. L has his hbs with his gang trying to get distraction and overcome heartbreak. Maybe he’s dating casually some girls.

R gets together with S. S is A’s best friend and A wants L to like her. A and L have a fling. Casual for L. Maybe more serious for A or she just wants to date a celebrity. WT starts. L is still in love with N. Maybe N is also dating another guy. But both are constantly flirting with each other, sitting close, touching, of course all for pr. At one point, probably Brazil, they hook up. Feelings are mutual. L is now treating A as a friend again, he thinks she gets it, that he’s not interested anymore. A notices his indifference and activates the gang, especially R, to help her with getting L.

Meanwhile N and L are head over heels for each other. R being L‘s best friend learns about the situation. R and S tell A what’s going on. She gets furious. How can he like N and not her? L is still nice to A, having a guilty conscience about him leading her on. Games begin.

L is liking all of A’s posts back to summer and promises to like her stuff in the future to help her gain recognition. While meeting his friends after London premiere, he accompanies A and her mom to the hotel. Papgate takes place. Initiated by A, S and R? L being a little naive just thinking he was unlucky and only got papped coincidentally. N is very angry. L is devastated. But N loves L and trusts him. L sees A as a friend, she is still allowed to accompany L to the events he has promised to take her to.

It’s a win win bc she now covers N and L‘s relationship. But at another vacation with the gang they get papped again. N is now more suspicious than ever. She shares her thoughts with L. L defends the gang, R is his best friend since childhood, they wouldn’t do something like that but decides to confront them.

N is insecure and scared L would choose them over her. Chaos week takes place. It is a mix of showing L love and telling A to back up. L has to silence the group and especially A. She could harm N and L‘s career by creating a scandal involving L cheating on her, an innocent young woman, with his costar while being with her.

If there wouldn’t be a surprise on the way, L could just deny such accusation, but if there will be proof in a few months he simply can not. So the only way to save N and L’s reputation is him hiding, N still giving us crumbs and misleading us by introducing JD, of whom GA would think he’s with N. But they are not together and it is just to show she is friends with JD as L is friends with A. 

Bringing A to the Boss one event is an obligation. And by doing so, L can proof that they are on good terms. A will be unable to put him in the position of the unfaithful bf and N into the position of someone who steals another woman’s man.

All the ittle things in between these events could root in L‘s sis and mum’s liking of A and not preferring N as a match for L.

As I wrote this I thought to myself that as much as I wish N and L to be together, I wouldn’t wish them to go through such a scenario. Maybe I just have a rich fantasy. But at this point I am not able to explain this madness differently. As sad as I would be for N and L to experience that kind of hardship I find it rather comprehensible than believing that L is with A, being a bad bf and that N fell in love, got married and has gotten k* up by another colleague on set.

I apologize in advance if someone is offended by my opinion, but everybody is entitled to think whatever they want until we get a statement from N or L who their significant others are. Let’s be patient and peaceful until then.

Stay strong! Peace✌️ 

[thedrarrylibrarian]

Have you ever had a day that just went completely to shit? That was the entire month of November for me. I had planned to have this Happy Hour ready then, but between work and home life and hosting for the holiday and everything else...a ball had to drop. I was so disappointed, because I love doing Happy Hour and I love speaking with the creators who help with the guest fic recs.

@ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm could not have been more gracious and understanding about postponing his rec. I always thought his artworkand fics were lovely, but being on the receiving end of the his kindness makes the works even lovelier to me. I love that even in moments of violence, he portrays characters as vulnerable and soft, the gentleness of moments of solitude, and the joyfulness of the mundane. If you haven't checked out Joy's art before, I cannot recommend it enough.

So after waiting for several months, I am finally so excited to share his incredible fic rec. Our first Happy Hour guest rec of the year is by the lovely and gracious @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm.

Outside of things that become fanon, we all travel the worlds of transformative works building up our own personal sense of canon. A lot of that process is wish fulfillment and self indulgence on little pleasures and minor vanities, which is what carves out this perfectly molded comfort that we all shelter ourselves in, what comes together to broadcast our unique wavelengths of bliss. But there is also another part of the process, one that I find myself unconsciously engaging in at times, which is an attempt to rewrite, rewire, recolor the places in which the source material has dulled, or to find cracks and fissures for interpretations that will allow me to engage with the source more meaningfully in the long run while honoring the directions in which I’ve grown and changed. There’s been a lot of work in the Harry Potter fandom that took on the form of a kind of hermeneutics, or that used the setting and characters as a kind of convenient vehicle to make a point about The Real World, in a way that sometimes makes it feel like we, the naive and spirited readers of the source material are somehow distant from the world and must be gently pulled back into it in the language of our distraction. Harry Potter and Welcome to the World of Grey was the first AU retelling of a larger segment of the HP canon where I felt like I was encountering something completely new, something that had the distant shape of these previous approaches at first glance but that, right from the first page, has that almost physical pull of the complete and precious new. 

Harry Potter and Welcome to the World of Grey by @sobsicles (456,640 words, rated E)

When Harry fails to keep his anger at bay and Voldemort possesses his mind, the events that follow lead him down a long road to realizing the world isn't as black and white as it seems.

Chaos, hilarity, and tragedy ensue with a Dark Lord being honest all the time, a rival becoming something else, and a world demanding to be saved. Featuring frightened Death Eaters, deep conversations with a monster, Pureblood traditions being ridiculous, and the fight to do the right thing with no true options.

Harry's life just gets more and more bizarre with each passing moment.

Or, the one where Harry's life gets split in half, and he has to figure out how to bring it back together.

The summary is immediately gripping, and I’ll leave the reader to discover the shapes of the AU on their own, but the basic premise of the story is that Harry, at the end of 5th year, does something he would never do in the book, and that as a consequence of (?), or despite (?) or alongside (?) this, him and Voldemort begin to, on a relational and intellectual level, engage in a way that would otherwise be impossible. This story works on so many levels, all of them incredibly crafted and so masterfully sustained over the behemoth length of the first installment. The Harry in this story is funny and young and troubled in the most delicious ways all the while wading in and out of the crushing solitude of predetermination (and also maybe just humanity). I generally read exclusively fics in which they’re adults, or at least on the brink of adulthood in 8th year, but the author has crafted such incredibly convincing teenage characters in both Harry and Draco here that by the end not only do they both end up under your skin but they also become these people that sit alongside you, whose adolescence you’ve literally gone through as both a sympathetic spectator and as a mirror of them, drawn into the irresistible sweet delights of their love, the painful bonding of people captive in their lives, the hope of the future born out of surviving something together. 

There is also a tendency in fics to paint the adults of the HP world as traitors, because that’s what the majority of them are, and this is something I also usually engage with. In this fic, while we maintain that the state of the world and the fates that befell all our favourite characters are largely the result of a kind of treason of goodness and responsibility, we also get to have these incredible deep insights into why each adult character is the way they are, through relations made possible only by this unlikely scenario that the author proposes. We also get to have the warm joy of seeing a child empathize with (and pity, and comfort, and teach) people who they owe nothing to, and this is an absolute treasure that shines brighter as we move through the story.

Finally, as this is Happy Hour, apart from all the things I’ve briefly mentioned up there that make this fic a delightful and comforting experience that I constantly go back to, I wanted to talk about a strange way that made this story become my source of comfort. This story made me like Voldemort. Not the terrifying and irredeemable one from the books or the movies. There’s this feeling that I have about fics and fandom, and I think it’s shared by a lot of people who’ve been around for a while, and it’s that these characters and settings and storylines are almost… nebulous things that always existed in us and around us and that we had maybe some slight hope for, but that were first snatched out of non-being and formed by the source material authors. This is also just how art and creativity is, in general - an antenna that beams signals and sometimes someone gets the whole message first. And you grow up and sometimes things are shaped by the source material to make you think oh I’ll feel this way forever and then of course you change your mind, but this was more like an intense, emotional journey in which I realized there was all this personal negativity that I’d always shove into this concept and this being - and that when I encountered the newly formed shape that this author’s Voldemort takes on, my resentments and my fixed darknesses, once unmovable and heavy at the bottom of this big thing in my life, were suddenly things I could walk up to. That the previously unapproachable veil of evil - which is simple, and undebatable - had lifted, and suddenly I could decide to do something else with them, to pick them up and carry them or throw them away, or live alongside them as awkward housemates until suddenly the shame and fear they represented wasn’t something I had to run from. So for happy hour, I picked a story that made me, and continues to make me, engage with not only happiness but a kind of lasting adult joy that comes from letting something come in and help you redraw the city lines of your own story. It’s very precious to me. I read the entirety of this fic in two days next to the crisp Adriatic sea, but I’ve reread it in many settings since then, and it’s always made me both hungry and full in the way that good home cooking does. I hope it does the same for you too.

[lovelydwyn]

When I was in my twenties I sat down with a journal and wrote a letter to spirit about who I wanted to love through a list of physical, vocational, and personality attributes and characteristics, similar to little Sally in Practical Magic, though I had not yet seen the movie at the time. The universe delivered exactly what I asked for with terrifying accuracy. As the years pass by, that accuracy reveals itself to me more and more.

The first mistake I made was that I did not specify that I wanted the person I would come to love..to love me back. I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out had I written that down. The second mistake I made was that I referenced a fictional character and said I hoped he’d be “like” him. Naively, I did not specify that I wanted nothing to do with the horribly cruel attributes that archetype possessed and only sought the good. The cruelty inflicted on me broke me to my core, made me suicidal, cost me tens of thousands of dollars, humiliated me, silenced me, kept me hidden, caused me to endure the loss of a child, the loss of friends, the loss of two jobs, damaged my relationship with my daughter, and extinguished my spirit. What I manifested impacted not just myself, but the lives of every person that has ever loved me, some who simply just knew me, and even some who never crossed my path.

In another dimension, my higher self and a team of spiritual elders have orchestrated all of this for my higher good. They heard (or rather read) my call. Karmic justice is always being served. I know that despite my suffering, I have always been divinely protected. I learned how to speak and interpret the language and symbolism of spirit, to become a shape-shifter, to rebuild from nothing, to transmute my pain into prosperity, the meaning and feeling of unconditionally loving someone, how to conjure multi-dimensional beings, that we all have the spirit of the phoenix laying dormant within us and the power to awaken it whenever we choose, and perhaps most importantly, to be careful what I wish for.

[leavemeslowly]

You appeared impressed. I have never wanted anything more. Your approval and guidance. I needed someone to tell me: what you are doing is alright, even if it seems messy now. I didn’t even care for it to be true. I just needed to hear someone else’s words, a different voice, a naive confirmation that I am not as lost as I suspect. Then, you started acting casual, as if nothing mattered and your fate was to make yourself scarce. You hid from my seeking eyes. Perhaps, you had no power either. I know I expected too much. You have told me, you would always be there to listen. It was an empty promise. Some futile attempts to test it occurred, but they brought more unnecessary pain. Later, I couldn’t force myself to tell you anything. Sometimes demeanour can speak louder than words. That’s the ugly truth I discovered. I wish you were gentler with yourself. When I try to explain to other people, what is our connection, I can’t really do it. I don’t understand it. It is the strongest bond on earth, but its endurance decreases with every minute we spend together. You tell me it should come natural, being close with you. It is not. I struggle a lot. I don’t want it, it is an obstacle, it makes me feel lost and humiliated. You think I need help all the time. No. I need a lack of judgement. Maybe one day you will look at me and won’t see yourself.

[flemingsfreckles]

hey friend!

firstly, i just wanted to congratulate you and the wifey! very happy for the both of you <3

secondly, i want to wish you well during your break. watching everything happening in the US from an outside perspective is jarring enough, so i couldn’t imagine how it feels to be living it. that on top of the feeling of inevitable burnout is absolutely no joke, so i’m glad to hear that you’re stepping back for the sake of yourself. lord knows that’s hard to do sometimes.

your work will be missed but that’s why it’s great that we can go back and read it whenever we want! the inevitable landslide of people in your inbox asking for updates or asking when you’re going to be coming back isn’t going to be fun, but i hope you know that any guilt or pressure you may feel to deliver fics isn’t deserved. making fandom work can be hard but it’s never worth it enough to force yourself to create and then end up not liking the final product, so kudos to you for getting on top of it before it becomes all consuming.

if you don’t end up writing again i thought i’d just let you know how much i’ve enjoyed reading your fics. even if you weren’t particularly happy with some you ended up publishing, please know that the little community you’ve created really appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into it all. i always love to see creatives improve their craft in real time, especially when you can tell that they enjoy the thing they’re doing.

i hope you and your partner are able to remain happy, safe and healthy during this period. sending love and best wishes your way 🩷

This is incredibly sweet. I’ll definitely be keeping my fics up because I’m sure someone out there might want to read them some time, same way I go back and read others work even if they no longer write. I’ve had a really nice time writing, and I will say your fics were some of the first I read for Jessie and definitely inspired getting into my own writing, so I appreciate you probably more than I’ve ever told you.

Im hoping everyone can stay safe and I’m hoping it’s all being built up and over exaggerated and things will end up okay, but unfortunately my hopes aren’t super high. Again, I’d love to be wrong and the next for years go seamless but I’m not naive and I’m not stupid and it’s pretty obvious things are going to get worse before they get better.

I know there are people in way worse situations and I have a privileged life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be concerned.

It’s really kind of you to reassure that this is probably the right choice, it’s definitely one I’ve mulled over for a while now. I’ll still be around, to chat, answer questions, and maybe post if I find inspiration just less so, I definitely expect myself coming back to your page specifically to get some cute fics in every once in a while :)

Just so you know, I will desperately be missing all my saved Jessie TikTok’s I have that you made as of tomorrow 😭

[love-and-deepspace-fanfic]

Self-narrative of Xavier - Lumiere Myth

I have just finished Lumiere myth, and my mind exploded with #delulu again that I have to share with you all. hope you enjoy this little self-narrative from the jelly jelly #Xavier. I’m looking forward to your feedback as it’s the first time I write about Xavier as well!

What happens if you experience Lumiere Myth through Xavier's eyes?

The Self-Narrative of Xavier Lumiere Myth ******************************

When I first received the call from the director about the upcoming movie “Dawn Apocalypse,” which is based on Lumiere’s biography, I was momentarily stunned, thinking I might have been found out. It wasn't until they mentioned they just wanted my advice on techniques for fighting the Wanderers that I could breathe a sigh of relief. But this also made me immediately think of inviting you. Just the thought of being with you everywhere, even while working on set, excited me. So, I accepted the request on one condition: I wanted you to join as my manager and companion.

-—————————————————

The filming had been going on for a few days, but today was your first day on set, so I had to prepare a surprise for you. Watching you search for me around the set made me chuckle and want to tease you a bit. So, I quickly grabbed the Lemonette monster prop and told you that this was the role you needed to play. Seeing your innocent face believing me without question made me want to pinch your cheeks endlessly. By the time you realized my prank, I had already collected enough joy and adorable pictures of you.

-————————————————-

The weather on set was worsening, giving me an uneasy feeling. So, I contacted Jenna, suggesting that everyone should be more vigilant by forming groups to respond promptly in case of any emergencies. When Jenna asked if I wanted you to accompany me, I hesitated. The scope of the attack was still unknown, and the perpetrator hadn't been identified, so I couldn't let you come with me. With your intelligence and boldness, you'd choose to follow me without hesitation. That's why I didn't want you in the same group, especially in such dangerous times. I declined Jenna’s suggestion and insisted on acting independently. This was just a precaution, and I hoped for the best.

-————————————————

The worst happened sooner than expected. After the Wanderers appeared on set, I suspected the culprit was behind the scenes and spent the next two days tracking clues and dealing with minor monsters to calm things down. I knew you would be worried and want explanations when you didn't see me for two days. But it's not that I don't want to confide in you; I just don't want you involved in danger. With your reckless nature, like mine, you'd do something that I might regret forever. Just like long ago...

That's why when I met you at the prop room, I had no better excuse than to pretend nothing had happened. You know I'm not good at hiding serious matters from you. Sometimes I wish you were as naive as when I tease you, but you are who you are, the one I love, so I can only sigh and accept it.

Perhaps out of anger, when you pulled me into the prop room, you immediately brought out the Lumiere mask, insisting I wear it for you. Every time I see that mask, it reminds me of the old "embarrassing" times. But if you want me to wear it, then you should pay a "price" first, shouldn't you?

-—————————————————-

I was caught by Jasper’s henchmen while spying on their plans. Talk about bad luck. It felt like I got a taste of my own medicine dealing with people who speak politely but act ruthlessly, much like myself.

While pondering my next move, I heard a familiar motorcycle sound, hoping it was just my imagination. But when I saw you speeding towards me and reaching out to grab me, I couldn't describe my emotions. Surprise? Shock? Fear? I wasn't sure. The only thing I knew was that I had to ask how you found me. When I learned that you had Jeremiah install a tracking device in my jacket two days ago, the first thing I wanted to do was give that idle troublemaker a piece of my mind.

But maybe I'll let it slide this time because, thanks to his silly act, I owe you one.

With no time for a proper conversation due to the urgent danger, I had to guide you to my “secret” hideout, my “temporary home” before I met you.

I can't describe how I felt bringing you here. It was like you were seeing a part of me you never knew, filled with regrets and restlessness.

I know you have many questions, but forgive me, I don’t have the courage to answer now. There's so much I need to handle before I can tell you everything. For now, I need to "rest" in the Sleepen Pod.

I'm sorry for misleading you, and I know you noticed. But you are so forgiving and generous with me. Even knowing I was lying, you still chose to follow my lead. I apologize again, but let me rest for a moment…my eyes can’t take it anymore…

-———————————————-

When I woke up, the first thing greeting me wasn’t your worried face but the alarm bell signaling a Wanderer’s appearance. The moment I didn't see you, I knew where you were, and it terrified me.

Not again...

In my panic, I used all my strength to teleport, knowing it would harm my body and powers.

But isn’t the fastest speed supposed to be the speed of light? If I can’t reach you in time, what good is this light power?

When I arrived, I saw a scene of destruction. People crying, Wanderers roaring, everything was a hindrance as I hadn’t found you yet. Until I saw a small figure holding a boy and about to be attacked by a Wanderer, I acted instinctively.

Wearing the mask from 14 years ago, let me become Lumiere once more to appear before you, be your white knight, and protect you from danger.

-————————————————

After confirming your safety, I felt immense relief mixed with anger. But when I saw your radiant smile, telling me how lucky you were to be saved by Lumiere twice, all my worries disappeared. You know, I'm the one who feels blessed to meet you again, more than twice.

-————————————————-

To be honest, even though I accepted to wear Lumiere’s embarrassing cloak without caring about what others think, just to save you in time, it doesn’t mean I want to wear it again.

Who came up with the bizarre idea that knights should wear flashy clothes to save people? I can’t understand it!

Seeing the box of Lumiere’s quirky items you brought made me want to run away.

But your pouty, puppy-eyed face leaves me helpless.

Well, if you’re going to shoot, you might as well follow through.

But at least when I'm the one wearing it, you should say Xavier is the handsome one, not Lumiere. What does he have that I don’t?

When you talk about Lumiere, your eyes sparkle, but when it’s about me, it’s all cruelty and harshness?

You’ve underestimated me.

Just wait for tonight.

I won’t let you go until I hear the most satisfying answer.

That the only one you choose.

Is Xavier.

[enchanted-thestory]

Chapter Seven - The Curse

Lailah

♡⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹_. ༶ ⋆˙⊹⁺♡♡⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹_. ༶ ⋆˙⊹⁺♡♡⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹_. ༶ ⋆˙⊹⁺♡♡⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹_. ༶ ⋆˙

My name is Lailah and for as long as I've ever known I've been haunted by a curse. 

An evil soul taking a curse, as I've gotten older I've learned to conceal it but sometimes I can't help but let it out. This curse shows itself in the form of dark matter which tends to take and destroy. When I was little and did not control it, I would ruin many things unintentionally such as plants, and books, and sometimes even be capable of killing living things. I know deep down that I’m not a bad person, but this curse has slowly taken over my body. I know it’s only a matter of time before it takes over my body and kills me. 

This only manifested itself whenever I felt a strong emotion such as anger. I am ashamed of this secret and it eats me alive slowly every day. Frances used to say that I was cursed by an evil witch when I was just a baby but before she could kill me Frances took me in so she could not hurt me anymore. I often wonder what I had done to deserve this, is being born enough of a crime to make someone, let alone a baby, suffer in this way? 

Now that I'm living with this nice family I hope I can conceal this awful thing forever so I can't hurt them too. 

I must do whatever it takes to prove myself to them, especially after showing their continued kindness. I do not find their secrets strange. I relate to them in a way that they will never know. I too know what it's like to be ashamed of who you are. I find great comfort in her presence. It's clear to me that she needs a friend, although I've never been given the honor to be someone's friend. I hope that one day I'll be able to carry the title. 

I opened the door to see that all three of them were sitting at the table eating breakfast.

“Good day everyone,” I say 

“Good day, Lailah!” Marina says 

“Let me get you a plate to sit down on that empty chair if you like,” Angel says, quickly standing up to serve a plate of breakfast which consisted of a pastry and some fruit. 

“Thank you so much Angel,” I say and in return, she smiles.

We all eat until Marina stands and puts her plate to wash. 

“I've got to go I don't want to be late and have Brady yelling at me again” 

“If Brandy yells at you, you send him to me. He had no reason to be yelling at you” Johnny tells Marina.

“Johnny, he is my boss, he does have the right to yell at me,” Marina says as she packs a bag filled with various fruits. 

“I don't care he shouldn't be yelling at you” 

Marina noticeably brushes him off. She waves at us goodbye before she is out the door. 

“Aren't you supposed to be heading out too?” Johnny asks Angel 

“Yeah but unlike Marina I don't give a damn what Brandy says” She cheekily smiles before biting down on her pastry. 

“You should be more responsible like Marina”

“You want to be more like my little sister? She is young and naive, that's the main reason she cares so much about the Y.K.C.” 

Johnny stays silent possibly because he knows that Angel is right. 

“So Lailah” Angel directs herself towards me now. “What are you planning on doing today?”

“Yes, Lailah, what are you planning on doing today?” Johnny says sarcastically 

“Are you kidding? Why are you such a dick?” Angel sharply says “Don't listen to him he has had a stick up his ass for the last 23 years” 

I try my best not to laugh at her remark. 

“I was planning on searching for a job today, trying to get my life back for once,” I say jokingly. 

“Well, I wish the best of luck to you. I'll be cheering you on from the Y.K.C.,” she says as she stands up to head out too. “I'll be back later”

“Alright see you,” Johnny says

Johnny and I are now sitting alone at the dining table and I can't help but feel a weird aura in the air. I try not to notice it and just eat my breakfast. 

I finish up quickly and start heading off the door. 

Looking for a job could prove a difficult task now that I am in a new place. The people here are more different and more lively than in my old town. Start making my way through the shops and so far every single owner has turned me down. I was starting to feel hopeless. I didn't want to fail anyone let alone myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this. I needed to let all the people who didn't believe in me before that I could make something out of myself.

I started heading up to this nice shop that sold pastries. I introduce myself and ask to speak to the owner. It was this nice gentleman who had an interesting wardrobe, to say the least, he introduced himself as Mr. Hicks. He explained that he needed extra help and would appreciate it greatly if I joined his team. I was beyond excited. I'm surprised that I was even able to find work today but took it with open arms.

I accepted the job with Mr. Hicks, and he explained that he would prefer it if could start right this instance. I had nothing planned for the rest of the day so I figured there was no harm in starting early. 

He introduced me to the other girl working there Marie. She seemed nice enough. She was the one who ended up showing the ropes. She informed me that I'd be dealing with customers more than anything and that she would be the one making drinks and preparing pastries. After a while, she asked me to wait tables to get me started. 

Things seemed very straightforward, some people were more difficult than others but overall it was a very standard day of work. At the end of the day, we helped Mr. Hicks close up shop. He pulled me aside and said that I had done a good job today and that he would pay me in three days. I thanked him and Marie for helping me out and I went to head back to the house. 

In a way, it was weird to head back to a home I looked forward to at the end of the day. I hope this feeling never goes away but with my luck these days that probably won't happen. 

I open the door and see Marina reading a book on the couch. As soon as she sees me she greets me. 

“Hey Lailah, how was your day?”

“Pretty good Marina thank you I was able to find work today”

“That's great I'm so happy for you, you must be exhausted, feel free to take a shower it's the third door from the left” 

“Will do thank you, Marina” 

I took a quick shower and when I got out Marina was standing waiting beside the door.

“Is it okay if I-” she pauses to gather her thoughts “It's just Angel never lets me touch her hair and you have such pretty long hair.” 

“Do you want to brush my hair?” I ask her 

“Yes please”

“Okay then let's go to my room” I lead her to my room and sit on the floor while she sits on the bed. 

She starts brushing. I can tell she is trying to be as gentle as possible and I appreciate that. 

“Lailah, do you mind if I ask you something personal?”

“I don't mind you asking me things Marina,” I say

“Well, you mentioned you had a boyfriend before coming here right?”

“I did yes,” I say worried about how the conversation would play out.

“Well it's just-” she pauses for a second. “How did you know that you liked him?” 

“Oh well I guess there was never a definitive time where I knew but over time I realized that I wanted to spend all of my time with him, it's one of those things where you truly feel special being around someone,” I say reminiscing on the good times. 

“But you broke up, how could someone make you feel like that and then just leave?”

“It's a bit complicated but people change at first they will only show you the side that they want. If someone wants you to like them they'll show their good side but as time goes on they will show their true self and it's up to you to know how you feel about their true self. In my case, my ex-boyfriend's true self was not a person I'd like to be with so we decided to part ways” 

I try my best not to say something I regret later. I know how hard these types of situations can be and honestly you would never truly know unless you experience it for yourself. 

Marina keeps brushing. I can tell she is thinking to herself.

“Do you fancy someone, Marina?” I say teasingly

“I'm not sure, I've ever really liked someone so I don't know,” she says parting my hair.

“I think that it's one of those things where when you know you'll know,” I say

She stayed quiet for a moment but then she said “I think you're right” and even though I couldn't see her face I could tell she had a smile on. 

“I know everything will work out for you Marina if it's not with this person then that's okay it won't be the end of the world” I try to comfort her, I know how weird these situations can be especially for young teenagers.

“I see how even though things ended pretty badly for you, in many ways not only in your relationship, you held your head up high and decided to start over and I think that makes you pretty brave” 

“You think that about me?” I say surprised

“Of course, I do your battles don't go unnoticed at least by me anyway”

“Thank you Marina that is so sweet” 

“I try my best,” she chuckles. “You're all done! What do you think?”

I look up and see my reflection in the mirror hung up on the wall. She put my hair into two long braids and I could tell she tried her best to make it perfect. 

“I like it Marina thank you” 

“Of course well I should be thanking you for allowing me to play with your hair a bit” 

“Nonsense I enjoyed our little chat I hope to know more about you, you seem like a sweet kid”

“And you are a nice old person,” she says as she goes out the door. 

I'm not old am I? I'm only a few years older than her I'm barely twenty!

At the same time, Johnny is coming from the other side of the hall. He pauses in his tracks and watches her leave, he turns and looks at me. 

“Were you talking to my sister?” he says 

“Yeah we had a small chat and she did my hair” 

“Okay” he seems bothered, “do you want to help me make some dinner?”

“Of course, you tell me what to do and I'll do it” 

“Alright then come on” 

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Hey guys quick author's note, firstly I'd like to thank you all for reading i hope you are enjoying the story so far because we are going into some interesting lore in the next few chapters!

Second of all, we are going to make a switch instead of only uploading on Fridays I will also be uploading on Mondays so be on the look out for that!

If you want to participate in polls, see sneak peeks, and more I recommend you check my personal blog, Dee Rodriguez

[deus-sema]

The first time I read LoTR as a kid, right after watching the movies - when I had been newly introduced to fantasy - I had a very oversimplified perspective of the genre. For me, fantasy meant going on adventures with friends, fighting the bad guys, saving the world and living happily ever after. My childish self couldn't come to terms with endings where everyone went their separate ways and resumed their normal lives and used to retreat into headcanons where the adventure never ends.

Another time I reread the books, I was coming, to put it simply, from a bad place. I was angry at everyone around me and the world itself for several reasons. I needed an escape. At that time, I had a sour and pessimistic outlook and could be very, very irrational. So, I inadvertently ended up mentally projecting my frustrations on the story. I vented to myself about the futility of the Fellowship's quest. What are they even fighting for? The world they used to live in can never go back to the way it was even after Sauron is defeated. The Elves will still leave Middle Earth. The Entwives will still be gone. Magic will fade. Frodo, even after going through severe trials and torment, will not get to enjoy everlasting happiness in the Shire. Why couldn't anyone else take that damned ring to Mordor? What even is the point of it all? All those feelings were completely misplaced. Needless to say that angsty phase of my life, like all others that came before it, was just a passing one.

Quite recently, I decided to revisit the books once more. Currently, I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Life is filled with uncertainty. Whatever's going on in the world isn't making anything better for anyone. And the last thing I needed right now, on top of everything else, was a financial crisis. But here we are. I wish to quit and relax. Sometimes, I harbour escapist fantasies. I wish to just sleep without being woken up. I wish to run away somewhere and cut myself off from everyone. But neither is that possible nor appropriate.

Sometimes, I long for the past. It's not exactly specific things about the times gone by that makes me nostalgic but rather how I used to feel back then. At times, I miss the feeling of safety and comfort I had as a kid. I miss the naive person I used to be who had an idealistic view of the world. I miss those moments when I could afford to be carefree. Only if I had known better back then, I wouldn't have taken that time for granted.Still, the passage of time is all pervasive. Everyone and everything is powerless before it. All we can do is adapt to the changing circumstances and keep moving on.

Right now, all these characters inspire me. They are fighting to salvage what remains of their world and save it from further destruction. Even if not all of them will get to partake in its future. If they had the luxury of choosing a different path, they would've availed it. But all they have with them is the present and each must do all that's in their power to contribute. Especially Frodo.

Each of us must do our part in the world. What's meant to happen, will happen and we have no power over it. Tiresome as they might be, our responsibilities are ours to bear and carry out.

A wise old friend once said and I quote, 'The evil (of Sauron) cannot be wholly cured, nor made as if it had not been. But to such days we are doomed. Let us now go on with the journey we have begun!’

[imponderabillia]

David Sylvian - Perspectives (Polaroids 82-84)

”In the early part of 1982 I had, for numerous reasons, decided to take a rest from songwriting. This was to be the first break I had had since I’d started as a child at the age of 12. It was therefore not surprising that to relieve the subsequent frustration caused by this action, I turned to the only other creative outlet I’d known, and which had been my main preoccupation until my discovery of music, drawing.

The freshness brought on by this change, the naive pleasure of working and learning in a virtually unexplored area for me opened many doors.

Not least of which being my new found appreciation of the world of the arts. Drawings, paintings, sculpture, ceramics, a universe of creativity which had always been hidden from me, suddenly came to life. I had of course been aware of works by various famous artists before, but although I was able to appreciate a lot of what I had inadvertently seen, I had never felt anything emotionally from the work in the way that I could quite naturally feel from music.

Now all was changed. I first realised this whilst visiting a major exhibition by a painter living and working here in England, Frank Auerbach. The depth and intensity of emotion I experienced surpassed anything I had felt in music for a very long time, if at all. I explain this because through these and various other similar experiences my outlook on life and work changed (or maybe matured would be more appropriate) at quite a dramatic pace. In the midst of these changes came my first attempts at Polaroid montage.

It was during a visit to Hong Kong, one of the stops towards the end of a rather lengthy tour, that I first started working with Polaroid film. As was my routine throughout the tour, I would return to my hotel after the day’s performance and there I would stay for the remainder of the evening, reading and drawing sketches. On our arrival in Hong Kong we found ourselves with a day free. However, having been there fairly recently, and not having particularly enjoyed the place, I decided to spend the day at the hotel, and among other things write some letters and complete some rawings. By evening, having filled all the paper space available with notes and sketches and wishing to continue working on ideas formed while drawing, I turned to the only materials available to me at that time, the Polaroids. This is how it started and so it has continued since, constantly developing, trying to find different uses for the same materials, and when a new technique shows itself using it to the advantage of creating interesting photographs/pictures. I feel I must point out that although looking back I know there were other artists working with Polaroids in the same, or similar areas as myself (most notable of these being D. Hockney), at this time (the remaining months of ’82) I was working totally by means of self-discovery as I had no other possible guides. I gradually became more aware of the work of others towards the middle of ’83. Sometimes consciously (and I hope with humour) I place references in my work to that of others.

Prior to my work with the SX-70, my interest in photography was to be found in areas of concept and design. I never intended or expected to become personally involved in photography, indeed even now my knowledge of the practical side of the art is extremely limited. For this reason and also because of the nature of the work I do, I would not begin to think of myself as a photographer. I have far too much respect for the people who spend a large part of their lives working with the camera (Brassai, Kertesz, Riboud, Benton, McBean and Ray) and who give true meaning to the word.

I do not see the work in this book as an end in itself. Essentially I believe that there are only a handful of pictures I have produced which transcend the techniques used and show a possibility of standing up to time. The remainder are either very personal pictures and ‘or show and explore germs of ideas which may be followed up in the future by work in other mediums.

My experimenting with Polaroids is about at an end. Although I’m still working with the techniques I’ve developed in an attempt to produce pictures of a more lasting quality. I’ll soon be turning my interests to new areas, using, along with new ideas, the more valuable I have learnt from working with Polaroids."

[bogus-dude-totally-rad]

Israel's Propaganda (From a Jewish perspective)

I grew up in a Jewish area on a whole other continent from Israel, and the IDF used to visit us. I remember them visiting my day camp when I was a very young child. They'd set up a cardboard Western Wall and we'd write wishes to stick in it. Afterwards, they would straight up have us do army training drills altered to be 'fun' for kids. They did this every year.

(Putting a read more because this is long)

I don't remember all the things they had us do, but I remember having to crawl through mud and rocks and being told not to touch the string above us. They played it off like a fun game, even though a lot of kids got hurt doing it.

They did this because they wanted us to one day join their army. They came to us year after year to get to our children and make them think the IDF is cool and hey they should totally join up when they're older.

Sometimes they brought us candy. Sometimes they gave out IDF t-shirts. When I was a child, having that shirt was seen as cool.

They don't just try to reach you as a kid, though. They have something else they do when we are entering adulthood.

It's called a Birthright trip, and when you're a Jewish kid, this trip is hyped up so much. You look forward to it for years.

A Birthright trip means that as a Jew, even if you're not Israeli by blood, you have the right to go to Israel for free one time (fucked how I got to go there for free, meanwhile some Palestinians can't even visit or live in their homeland).

This trip is pure propaganda. It's played off as a fun rite of passage, something meant to make us feel closer to our 'homeland' (even if you have 0 family members from there and have no connection to it beyond being Jewish).

We're escorted by IDF soldiers around our own age. We're given lots of group activities meant to make us all feel closer. As the trip went on, I noticed something weird. There were so many people in charge making jokes about how the real Birthright experience is hooking up with a soldier. It felt like it was being encouraged. And it worked really well. A lot of people (myself included) ended up in relationships with the soldiers.

By the end of the trip it got very obvious that they were hoping we would fall in love, move there, and have babies that would eventually join their army. They tried so hard to make us want to stay.

Most of us barely knew anything about Palestine. I think this is why they want teens/young adults. They hope we're naive (I definitely was) and that we'll fall for the narrative they painted.

I was lucky on my trip, because our tour guide did something he probably wasn't supposed to do. He told us a little about the conflicts of Israel, but not just from Israel's perspective. He told us some of the horrible things that went on. He even told us how some people pull up chairs to watch strikes against the Palestinian people. He said he wanted to give us information from both sides, so that we can form our own opinions, and he did so in a hushed tone away from the other trip supervisors. His words were what made me start to really open my eyes and examine what was going on.

By that point, pretty much everyone on our trip was agreeing this was all just propaganda. This trip meant to make us fall in love with Israel was making us realize how fucked up things were.

Near the end of the trip, we were brought to a military cemetery. A lot of us didn't want to go in, because it felt wrong to take a tour through a graveyard. We were told we can't leave until we did it.

And that's around the point where one of the soldiers broke down. He was crying and shaking and when we asked why, he said he was scared of ending up there. He didn't want to be in the IDF. He didn't want to be a soldier. He didn't believe in what they were fighting for, and the job he was given in the army was a very dangerous one. He didn't get a choice. We tried to comfort him, and some of the other soldiers did too. It was how I found out most of them didn't want to be soldiers at all.

Eventually we went in the cemetery, hoping if we just got it over with we could leave quicker. None of the soldiers were happy to be here. Making them go through there was straight up cruel, and the guy I mentioned was not the only one to have a breakdown.

Our tour guide (different person from our main one), had an attitude like he was giving a tour of something we should be proud of, or in awe of. All these graves, most of which were filled with people barely into their 20s. And he was treating it like a tour of a museum. He kept loudly talking about how it was an honour to die protecting Israel, how it's a harsh reality. A necessity. I felt so bad for the mourners nearby who had to hear someone speak like that about their dead loved ones. How many of the dead had been forced into the roles that got them killed?

After that the propaganda was very blatant. They had us watch videos meant to convince us to move there. Again, we weren't allowed to leave.

So yeah. That's what Birthright is about.

On top of everything I mentioned, we're told from a young age that as Jews, we're supposed to see Israel as our safe haven. Our holy land. We're taught to revere it.

Fortunately, we're also taught something else. Something that goes above all of that: Never again means never again. It doesn't matter who it happens to, we MUST stand up against genocide. We cannot stay quiet and watch it happen.

Anyway, this post is long enough. I wanted to share the kind of lengths Israel has gone to for the sake of propaganda. They bathe us in it from the very beginning of our lives. I'm hoping that by sharing these experiences, people who have been through the same might see what's really going on.

[flowerandblood]

It saddens me how many of you write me that you've resigned yourselves to always being alone because: you have strange habits, because you are distrustful, because you are picky, because you are weird.

Until a few years ago I thought exactly the same about myself! I thought: what normal boy is going to want to be with a girl who is constantly sitting in fantasy, drawing some naive illustrations, wants a house like a country house, and on top of that doesn't want to rush into intimacy and do everything slowly? Make friends first?

Well, all you need is to bump into a person who has the same desires. My husband when he met me was after a very painful break-up after a long-term relationship. We liked each other a lot straight away, but we both felt that neither of us had any desire to move on to anything other than friendship until we were sure we both wanted it.

We went on dates pretending we were just mates. We wrote to each other, even sent each other letters and, although you could feel the subtext sometimes, there were no words that could force anyone to say what we wanted. I have had acquaintances like this before and they usually only ended in friendship, but in our case it was different.

We were not madly in love with each other. Looking at it from the perspective of how I feel about him now and how much I love him, I think that we were just very intrigued and attracted to each other. We had respect and affection for each other and decided to give it a try, both of us terrified if anything came of it.

After five years of being together, we discover that every year on anniversaries we say to each other: I love you more than I did a year ago. And it's true. The first time he kissed me the sensation was so strange and different from anything I had known before that I didn't even know if I liked it. It was his behaviour afterwards, the fact that he hugged me to his chest, that he played with my hair, that he made me feel safe that softened my heart.

Now that he is not next to me, I feel miserable, empty. Recently, I even told him that I forget that he is not part of my imaginations and thoughts, but another person. And he also admitted that he is always able to guess what I am thinking about, what I need, whether I am happy or not.

That when I am happy, he also immediately feels better, and that when I am sad, he involuntarily also becomes depressed. In my everyday life, he and I are simply one.

Never cross yourself off. Just like me, you will one day meet someone who is suffering just like you and you will bring comfort, happiness and peace into each other's lives. This is what I wish for you!!!!

[fizzingwizard]

Now I've finished reading Mansfield Park, which I expected to slog through, but instead it held my interest nearly the entire time. The one exception was the long exchange of letters after Fanny goes to Portsmouth. Then I was taking longer to get through each chapter, and the ending, of course, is as Austenian as I could expect.

Mansfield Park doesn't have the charm or wit of other Austen novels. I had put it off because I read that "no one is likable," and I don't usually have a taste for stories where everyone is just bad and miserable. But having read it, I don't think those critics were justified. Mansfield Park isn't about an unlikable group of characters. It's just that they are very flawed. And a lot of real life is hard to like, but you don't have many friends if you will only approve of paragons of virtue.

Is Fanny meant to be the paragon of virtue? was the question running through my mind. Most Austen heroines are not as perfect as they're accused of being - the only one who really fits that description, in my opinion, is Anne Elliot. (And I could go on about why that doesn't bother me at all and that the world of literature deserves an Anne Elliot or two, but back to Fanny.) Fanny confused me for the longest time. I couldn't tell if she was virtuous and pure, or naive and pathetic. I think for most of the novel she's something of both, and what really kept me gripped was feeling desperate to know whether she'd turn out as awful as the rest. It's an Austen novel, I figured there was no way she wouldn't turn out okay, but honestly I was in suspense sometimes lol, as much suspense as you can be when instead of the threat of an ax murderer hiding under the stairs, the threat is winding up rich and bitter.

My final opinion of Fanny is that I like her in a similar way that I like Anne Elliot. There are a couple lines, about the importance of "knowing your mind," and "being guided by what's in your own self," that made me see more strength in Fanny. She is essentially friendless. And she's much younger than Anne, and she's so criticized and taken advantage of, and so without warmth. So many times I thought "if only she had a backbone," and my fear was that Austen would validate her timidity and loneliness as the virtue of "female abnegation" :P But although there are the usual Austen morals, she doesn't do that - instead she gives us Susan, who does have pluck and backbone, and makes Fanny admire her for it and wish she'd had some too when she was first sent to Mansfield. And contrasting Mary Crawford with Fanny is what made me like Mary, and worry that Fanny might be the first Austen heroine to really be disappointed in love. If Fanny had some of Mary's liveliness and confidence, maybe Edmund would have noticed her. And if Mary had Fanny's good judgment, maybe she would have had Edmund in the end. I think the contrasting traits in Fanny and Mary Crawford are some of my favorites in Austen novels, because they're so real and developed that I couldn't tell for a while who was going to come out ahead.

Fanny is everything "good" in an Austen heroine, but her flaws are still real. And Mansfield Park doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to how easily she could have wound up a villain instead of a heroine. If Edmund had married Mary, Fanny would probably have married Henry and been miserable, because despite all the blabber about "she would have fixed him," I think he would have gone right on cheating and breaking her heart. Austen had more faith in Henry Crawford than I do, lol.

As for the rest of the cast, apart from Mrs Norris, I don't think anyone is hateful. But they don't have warmth, they don't have real affection. That is palpable in the novel and reminded me over and over how much I wished Fanny had a friend. When William appeared, I braced myself for his betrayal - but although he's not around much, he ended up being her true friend. I could almost wish he wasn't her brother because he treated her much better than Edmund did. William knew how to show love. If he had been brought to Mansfield Park when Fanny was, maybe Fanny would not have fallen in love with Edmund, because she would have already had a best friend who could definitely never become a romantic option.

But although the lack of warmth is so terrible, that's what I mean when I say the novel is real. I think the lack of concern for their so-called loved ones the characters show, as well as the biases and prejudices that are inconvenient for them to shed, are exactly how many families really are. Taking each other for granted, seeing each other how you wish to, and being mostly concerned about whether or not someone is useful to you personally. It sounds cynical, and there are many loving, caring families who are nowhere near as selfish as the Bertrams or the Crawfords or even the Prices. But there are many which are. And I like the way the novel made it felt. Rather than make the abuse obvious through violence and threats, the coldness is covered up by decorum, which makes it even more insidious and long-lasting. I was really sad, just deeply sad for Fanny in many places, every time I wished she had someone who would listen to her and side with her the way everyone else expected her to do for them. I'm nowhere near as virtuous as Fanny, but I know how much it sucks to bite your tongue over and over, and when you finally tell the truth, to be told that you don't know your own feelings, or you're just too ignorant to understand what you should feel, or that your judgments are wrong because it's currently convenient to the other person that they should be wrong. Sometimes I was identifying so much with Fanny that I had to stop reading. It's not gaslighting - that term is too strong. But it is inconsiderate. I was lucky because I always had a listener in my mom. She may not always understand me, but she listens and respects me. I never have to worry that what I say may set her off the way I did with my dad and brother. Lately my dad's been much better with me, which I truly appreciate - but I also can't forget him telling me that I shouldn't be insulted that he thinks opinions like mine are "stupid, because "I know you're smart enough to one day agree with me!"

Which, weirdly, brings me to Edmund... I was on the fence about him the whole time. At first he seemed like he WAS Fanny's friend, the kind older brother figure who cared about her happiness. After a while I started to suspect that he was more about the appearance of charity than about really being kind. I suspected him of betraying me and becoming exactly the kind of clergyman Mary denigrated. But other times he would do or say something that made me change my mind, and decide that he's not fake, he's just flawed. Being flawed is much better than being fake. My number one issue with him was when Fanny turned down Henry's proposal, and Edmund, despite saying he wouldn't try to sway Fanny's feelings, winds up doing just that - because it's convenient for him to think of the Crawfords as good people, because the theater debacle was embarrassing to think back on, and because he admires Fanny's judgment, so if she judges Henry Crawford good enough to marry, he'd no longer need to have scruples about marrying Mary. It was the most selfish he ever was with regard to Fanny. It really made me feel he could never love her, and even opened me up to the idea that Henry might, actually, be Fanny's endgame match, lol. Because Henry seemed to notice all the things no one else did about how lonely and uncared for Fanny was, and even to encourage her to find her voice. It was literally Fanny pointed out that how could she trust a man who had taken advantage of the feelings of not one but two of her cousins before immediately redirecting his flirting on her to make me realize "no way, it's definitely going to be Edmund, lol."

Henry's better than Wickham, but not by a lot. Edmund, however, is a far cry from Mr Darcy. I wish very much that Mansfield Park ended in some way to make me like Edmund better, because right now the best I can say about him is that he's not as silly as his siblings, and he is at least capable of real love. It's hard to hear the wedding bells because as far as I can see, the Edmund Fanny loves is his childhood self, and the grown up version hasn't really done much to deserve her. He's more commendable for not doing things to not deserve her, lol. Their relationship is probably the least romantic of any in Austen's novels, imo. Fanny really loved him, and there was a lot of romantic pain in watching him fall for someone else. But by the time he finally sees Fanny, the novel is over... xD This is not a criticism though... I was really intrigued to find out how each character would turn out in the end. And the only thing I'll say which is sort of disappointing is that everything turned out how I predicted it in the beginning, aka like an Austen novel. But even though the Crawfords and Edmund didn't develop more as characters, I still appreciate how much complexity they add. Like, they made me guess about an Austen novel, haha. And in retrospect I shouldn't have, because I knew the finale from the curtain rise. But still. They made me guess. They almost, almost made me believe Mary would be rehabilitated and Fanny would give in to poor judgment. Hehe.

If anything, I appreciate this novel for food for thought, ie imagining all the different stories it could have been. I like that one way of life, the rich, performative lifestyles of Mansfield Park, is shown warts and all - and then we're taken down to Portsmouth only to find it's warty in similar ways, just with less polish. It makes you a little more sympathetic to mercenary marriage vows. Like, if I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be miserable in comfort, haha. But of course the novel doesn't posit that either. If Fanny had gone to Portsmouth and found her family humble but full of love and wisdom, there'd be a completely different outcome. Or if she went to Portsmouth, realized how much better things were at Mansfield, went back and informed readers that she had been overly sensitive thus far and actually everyone in Mansfield was so kind, and Mrs Norris just misunderstood - then again we'd have a totally different outcome. We get neither. It's just the world the way it is. Being poor comes with challenges and being rich comes with advantages. But happiness isn't a guarantee either way.

Well, I liked Mansfield Park much more than I was expecting to. I'm really shocked by how invested I got when at first I really thought Fanny might be the Austen heroine to finally make me say "enough is enough!" But Austen is too good, I can't hate her characters at all. She's able to give so much depth, or at least familiarity, to every one of them that they're just too human for something as base as hate. I even gave up wishing Fanny would find her voice and just wished she'd find a friend. And in the end, I'd say that IS what she got, even more than a husband - the friendship of her brother and sister and even Sir Thomas, as well as the loss of the anti-friend Mrs Norris. If any Austen heroine ever suffered so much for being alone, it's Fanny Price. That to me is the real source of her final happiness. And since Austen nearly always gives her heroines a sister or a best friend or some trusted confidante, the lack of one in Mansfield Park has to be intentional, and so I don't think Austen would disagree with me.

[salvadorbonaparte]

hey! on the note of being brave, do you have any advice on moving to a different country given your experience as someone who’s autistic? I wish you all the best for your PhD!!!

Hey!

Disclaimer: I've moved abroad 3 times so far (was supposed to be 4) but exclusively to countries on my home continent where I already knew the language at least partially, and in 2 cases had visited the country before. And I exclusively moved there for academic reasons and visited home during long breaks/got stuck in Germany during lock downs. Oh edit: Another disclaimer that I'm white. I think people following me should know that but I'm putting it here just in case because living in a majority white foreign country as a white person means you don't really get treated as a foreigner or immigrant. The situation during Brexit was occasionally giving hostile vibes but never towards me personally.

I really don't know how much advice I can give because I always knew I wanted to move abroad and I only got diagnosed later in life so have been masking and compensating a lot.

Something that really helped me is moving abroad at least 1-2 weeks before classes start to give me time to adjust. I also visit campus at least once before classes and orientation start so I don't get overwhelmed. I think this can also apply to work places. This also gives me enough time to get used to time zones and climate, go shopping, relax etc.

I always get really nervous beforehand and have to remind myself that I always get nervous beforehand. It's a big step! But I actually noticed that I'm often less anxious about certain things once I've settled in. I'm naturally anxious about everything and some anxieties don't go away or get worse but others are better. I find it easier to talk to people when abroad. People seem more forgiving when I mess up because I'm not from there, they might find me or my accent interesting and want to talk to me, they might want to help me out or give me tips. Ngl sometimes I pretend to be more naive and know less because people love sharing things about their culture they assume I don't know. You can also just pretend you don't speak the local language if someone is bothering you.

I also make sure to pack a couple things from home to provide comfort like my favourite spice mix and usually bone marrow dumplings (can't do that this time because of customs regulations).

Also some countries have adopted the yellow sunflower symbol for disabilities and chronic illness and you can get a lanyard or pin and it helps people be more aware of additional needs. There's also quiet/sensory friendly hours in some shops in some countries now.