#sometimes i struggle to describe what i mean between them its a lot of complicated feelings on his end

[greasydumbfuck]

🧸🧊🪼:D

wee thank you for the ask <:) 🧸how would your f/o try to comfort you if you were upset? okay so. depends on how bad the upsetness would be, really? but say for something more serious like her crying for example it would start with things like "stop that" and "dont do this right now" but when that obviously doesn't work (even thought believe me when i say shed be trying) frank would probably end up just kind of awkwardly holding her. letting her cling to him and sob into his shoulder yk the classic. maybe give her some more of the "stop crying", maybe settle for "youre fine". with time i imagine hed get more used to it

🧊how would your f/o text you? would they use proper punctuation/capitalization, or type more informally? right, definitely old man style. but like quicker so probably not entirely perfectly punctuated. he does put dots at the end of every message and take forever to reply. doubt hed use emojis. with how he usually behaves and looks its a little scary honestly but yk

🪼what’s your favorite way to feel closer to your f/o? sooo i have this big teddy bear thats almost my size. and i like to lay down with it, head on its 'chest' and just think about him. i think that is the top thing for me really

[poppywriter]

✿❀✿

There was a long break between the time I wrote the first entry and this one. So I decided that after this opinion piece about writing in a foreign language I will probably in the near future publish a longer and more personal entry that I wrote in order to “catch up” on my mental health :)

✿❀✿

❀ Pansy n°2 = I love English.

It is true, I do love the English language.

In fact, today I am in my first year of college and I follow a course in English Literature and Civilisations. So basically I am studying this language in depth. It feels great as, when I started this journal, it was the only thing I was wishing for but it is a lot harder than I thought…

Anyway, it is definitely not what I want to write about.

What I want to speak of, to let my mind wander to, is how I find it easier to express myself, my thoughts, my mindset, my feelings in English rather than in my mother tongue. I find it so strange yet fascinating and a bit logical. Actually, I have been told (or I have read somewhere but can’t remember where) it is a fact that bilingual people describe their emotions and communicate in their learned language with more ease. I find it quite logical as we have learned precise words and ways to express peculiar and specific events, feelings,... We have a whole new and fresh vocabulary imprinted in our minds so it feels like we have more words to clearly express something. Moreover, it creates more distance between us and the problems or feelings we’re facing.

I personally relate to this a lot.

I think it might be enhanced by the fact that I read more in English as well. So in a way, my literary vocabulary is more extended in English. I consume a lot of English entertainment. Songs, books, movies, series, fanfictions…

My mind even works in English. I think, speak and dream in English. Weirdly, it just comes naturally.

When I write or read in my mother tongue things just feel cringe and wrong, like there’s always a better way to say those things. Sometimes I think of sayings and expressions in English which are perfect for what I am trying to say but, it has to be in my mother tongue and it either doesn’t have an equivalent or even if it has, I feel like it loses a bit of its meaning. It is truly complicated, especially when I talk with people and only English vocabulary comes to my mind. Moreover, as an aspiring writer and translator, I cannot and do not want to lose connection with my mother tongue. I have to practice it and feel more comfortable with it. And when I successfully write in my native language, I cannot express how proud I feel. It just is awesome to see that I am capable of writing beautiful and meaningful things in this language that I feel so uneasy with.

Yet, I feel that sometimes it is an enormous struggle to communicate with others when I can’t speak with them with some english words and expressions. Like I said, more than often I have english words which come to my mind and it is hard to find how to say it in my native language. The worst is, when I struggle and people tell me to just say as I think, they end up mocking me and saying things like “Oh excuse me ! Madame only speaks English !” It makes me feel awful as people clearly think I am trying to expose my good english. Like I am pompous, conceited, arrogant… And it is very much what I don’t want people to think of me. Even though I am, in fact, proud of the quality of my English - written and spoken - I don’t want people to see me as someone who thinks too highly of herself.

ANYWAY. I enjoy writing in english. I enjoy speaking in english. And I will not stop practicing this language.

✿❀✿

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks.🔺

- notify me if there are typos ;)

[mbti-notes]

hi i’m an istj. i fear the problem im going to describe is resolved by being more Te proactive and taking on more leader responsibilities and failing. just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable. anyway i get involved with groups that align with my values to get things done but it always feels like i somehow join things that aren’t as efficient as i’d want them to be or stagnate. at the same time that i have strong opinions about what to do i resent having to take on more responsibility to enact it. i want to be part of an established, moral, process/group but it seems like everything is in flux all the time. just making sure: is this Te-Ne dysfunction ?

Your question is about type development. An important aspect of type development is understanding the weaknesses and flaws of your type, in terms of the ways that your type tends to misuse functions. You seem to believe that your problem boils down to a simple lack of desire to lead in group situations (weak Te?), but it probably goes far deeper than that.

Si-Ne problems often manifest as a general aversion to change, specifically, unwillingness to change how one looks at a situation, which would then significantly alter one's approach to it. Imbalance between Si and Ne becomes a very unhealthy stubbornness when one is also prone to Si-Fi loop that thinks in terms of pure absolutes. In essence, you believe what you believe and you want what you want, and nothing and nobody can break through that mental wall. Perhaps not even you.

Auxiliary development is meant to help with Si extremes and Si-Fi loop stubbornness by making you care more about empirical facts (Te) than your frustration (Fi). It isn't always easy to develop the auxiliary function when you come to believe that it interferes with what makes Si feel most comfortable (e.g. "just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable"). If using the auxiliary function feels so "tiring", it doesn't mean that you should avoid using it. Quite the contrary. It's an indication that you haven't yet learned to use it properly, which means further development is necessary.

Te wants efficiency, that much is true. However, what separates immature Te from mature Te is how exactly one conceptualizes "efficiency". When Te is immature, one has a very rudimentary understanding of how to be efficient. For example, one is likely to believe that efficiency is achieved through assertiveness or even brute force, i.e., "making" things happen despite all the obstacles in the way. Is it any wonder that using Te feels tiring, then? You're essentially forcing yourself to swim against the current. Si doms are painfully aware that their energy is finite, so they quickly run out of steam.

However, Te isn't really about mustering up energy. This is not what makes TJs smart, strong, and formidable. Mature Te conceptualizes efficiency as reducing the amount of energy required whenever possible, which is why they have a lot of energy to take on very heavy workloads - some people call it "working smart". This is done through facing the empirical facts of a situation head on and learning to work closely with them, which makes it far easier to make them work in your favor.

Your problem requires a two pronged attack:

Are you able to change how you look at situations in order to improve your approach (to address Si-Ne imbalance)?

Are you able to face the empirical facts of the situation and work with them rather than against them (to develop better use of Te)?

Wanting to be part of a process/group that aligns with your values in order to enact some good in the world is an admirable thing to strive for. Presumably, the other people involved in the group have the same sense of mission, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined. However, what you fail to take into account is that people aren't generally single-minded.

Human beings are complex because they are motivated by a multitude of factors, whether they realize it or not. They are full of psychological conflicts, contradictory desires, irrational impulses, old baggage, and unconscious bad habits. And when you bring people together, all that stuff comes out and creates complicated entanglements. A "group" only becomes a "team" when it is able to overcome those psychological obstacles together, and it can be a very long process of learning how to maximize strengths and mitigate weaknesses in every individual member. That's why a lot of groups simply fall apart. While your intention to join the group seems simple and straightforward (because Si-Te is admirable in its ability to keep things simple and straightforward), other people's intentions might not be so simple. If you fail to take into account the irrational aspects of human nature, you will cause yourself needless suffering.

Your frustration with people is likely a manifestation of your unrealistic expectations of them. Perhaps you aren't able to understand people who don't resemble you, let alone work with them. And you will certainly be doomed to fail if the only way Te knows to deal with individual differences is to force everyone to become more like you. That's an impossible task, not because it requires the energy of a thousand suns as you assume, but because you're choosing to fight against reality. Mature Te would advise that you should first face down the empirical facts of how people operate if you hope to discover the most effective way to influence them. Your repeated experience of feeling disenchanted with groups tells you that you're missing an important piece of knowledge about groups and how they operate.

I'll give you a very simple example from my own life. I used to gather with a group of 30-50 people once a week to conduct planned discussions. The discussions never really started on time despite everyone being in their seats because people weren't focused enough at the start of the session. There was often whispering and sidetalking and such that would go on for about half an hour before the room felt settled and focused.

One method of addressing the problem arose organically. Whoever was the main speaker simply started shushing people and it became a thing. Sometimes, it would even escalate to calling people out, like a teacher scolding a student in a classroom. This definitely made the social atmosphere less inviting and more tense. Sure, people would shut up after being called out, but they became less focused due to seething with resentment. Power struggles aren't great for group morale, especially if it's supposed to be a group of equals coming together for a common cause.

It all sounds quite childish, but these kinds of judgments are useless. You can call people childish, inefficient, incompetent, etc etc, but it doesn't solve the problem. And, worse, being judgmental blocks you from understanding people better and working with them. Perhaps an ISTJ would see this as a "mess", an "inefficiency" that wastes time, and evidence of bad character when people break the rules.

However, if you change the way you look at the situation, you might not be so quick to make such judgments. Actually, it's kind of weird for a bunch of people who know each other well to enter a room and immediately sit down quietly. Humans have a natural tendency to socialize as a way to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Isn't group cohesiveness a good thing, since it encourages better cooperation? If you are able to see the benefits of their chatty behavior and how it contributes to group cohesiveness, then instead of fighting against it, you would think of ways to harness it.

The real problem wasn't inefficiency; inefficiency was merely the symptom. The more primary problem was that a lot of people joined the group not just to "get things done", but also to make friends. The structure of the event denied them from fulfilling that important need and then they were more likely to act out. This problem was discovered when people had a chance to talk about what was frustrating them, which meant that the group had to make space to conduct some uncomfortable conversations.

To address the problem, the group eventually decided that the first 15 minutes would be devoted to socializing and allowing people to catch up, with the explicit promise to get down to business when the time was up. Some people brought drinks, others brought snacks. Some even showed up early to have more time to socialize. It enlivened people and enriched their relationships. Being "officially" allowed to get the chattiness out of their system, they were better able to sit down and focus on the planned agenda. The meeting felt like fun rather than a chore. And if you're interested in a cause, don't you want to recruit more people to support it? Making things more fun is one good way to attract support. You can look at it as wasting 15 minutes OR you can look at it as a 15 minute investment.

Solutions to human problems require:

cognitive empathy: figuring out what's really going on inside people's heads (in Te terms it means working only with the empirical facts of the situation, rather than indulging negative Fi judgments)

strategy: taking the time to work with people and figuring out the best way to help them get over obstacles (in Te terms it means investing energy early and wisely to maximize your returns later, rather than putting effort into the wrong places or only stepping in to tackle mere symptoms of the problem)

creativity: harnessing natural human tendencies to produce something useful or worthwhile (in Te terms in means taking what's already there and transforming it into a NET positive, rather than getting too fixated on every little negative detail and losing sight of the bigger picture)

Te can be a great function for dealing with human problems as long as you overcome the immature aspects of it, such as impatience, bluntness, or inflexibility. Every person is unique, so every group is different. Let go of the idea that there is only one way to approach a problem/conflict and you will start to be more creative in your approach. By accepting the fact that things are always in flux and using empirical evidence to understand and predict how change works, TJs become much more effective and efficient at everything they do. When it comes to people, meeting someone different from you is an opportunity to learn how to deal with that kind of person. The more knowledge you have of human psychology under your belt, the better you get at dealing with people's weird or negative tendencies. If a strategy works, use it again. If it doesn't work, adjust it to fit their psychology better.

In your situation, you see the problem as people being inefficient, so your inclination is to step forward and do something to "make" them more efficient. Humans aren't built with the prime directive to be efficient. They're not machines. Their psychology is messy, so trying to force them to behave like a machine is to force them to go against their psychology. In other words, you're choosing the least efficient approach. The more efficient approach, though it requires more intelligent thinking on your part (you want to become more intelligent, right?), is to properly understand the more primary problem of what's really causing them to be so inefficient in the first place. That is the way to discover the right strategy. If you are able to target those obstacles at the very root, efficiency improves more naturally.

Oftentimes, working smart doesn't require you to step up and be THE leader for everyone. As an introvert, it's probably more comfortable for you to work behind the scenes to talk to people, get a better idea of what they need and/or what problems they're experiencing, and incrementally remove the obstacles that are preventing them from focusing on what they should be focused on. You can't fix everything all at once, so just do what you can to fix what you are able to fix at any given point in time. It's a process and some progress is better than no progress.

[communistkenobi]

hey, how would you explain neoliberalism to a baby poli sci major? i’ve always struggled with understanding the term because i haven’t been assigned anything to read about it yet

yeah no worries it’s a complicated concept! when people use the word they’re generally referring to one of two things - the process of neoliberalism itself, or the cultural/societal response to, and reinforcement of, neoliberalism as a way of thinking about the world. Sorry this is gonna be long lol but neoliberalism is a weird term that describes a bunch of complicated things that I think are best explained with examples and a bit of history.

the most useful definition of neoliberalism I’ve heard is that it’s an economic process whereby you privatise the public sphere; the free market is offered as the solution to various social problems. Before I describe it more in detail there is a bit of policy history that is important to know. It obviously didn’t arise out of nowhere; neoliberalism is a response to the post-WWII social welfare policies (sometimes referred to as the Keynesian welfare state) where a lot of stuff was nationalised, meaning that that service is now administered by the national (or sometimes regional) government. I’m Canadian so I’m not as familiar with US policy history, but this is when Canada nationalised its healthcare system for example, and iirc this is also around the same time when we got a national pension fund. Social housing (ie housing that isn’t sold on a market) and other social goods were also offered to people at low or no cost (payment for these services coming from taxes). Basically think of like, what if education, healthcare, and housing were offered to you as a public utility and not a product that is bought and sold to each individual person on a private market. This wasn’t universal by any means, like private housing and other privatised services were still dominant, but (again, at least in Canada) things like social housing were much more normalised and weren’t considered to be “housing for poor people” like it is now.

so that’s the policy stage on which neoliberalism arrives. the neoliberal “turn” in western states happened sometime between the late 1960s-90s depending on what country you’re looking at. This meant that a lot of things became privatised again. The process of doing this is usually to first decentralise or “download” the service to smaller regional or local governments (this is why today, cities each have things like their own separate housing policies), reducing federal/national funding streams to those social programs, and then finally defunding them completely. This is also coupled with lowering taxes and flattening progressive tax rates (im not a tax person so this is very simplified, but this means everyone pays similar amounts of taxes as opposed to being taxed relative to your income - this had the almost immediate effect of widening economic inequality). Because cities and states/provinces have less money than the national government, and because they were now receiving even less money due to lower taxes and reduced national funding, it’s a lot harder to run these programs, and so usually they eventually stop paying for them too, or they’ll partner with non-profits or charities who then administer those services (or they’ll sell them to private companies to run). This is why today, non-profits and other charitable organisations have such a large presence in providing services like homeless shelters, addiction recovery, mental health services, disability services, social services for other marginalised groups, etc. they effectively replace “the public realm” by administering basic social utilities to people, except now they’re not run by a single government, they’re run by individual charities with their own funding streams, standards of care, and policies.

And this had a huge effect on the way people think about themselves and other people! More and more aspects of your life were now framed as products you could choose to either buy or not buy. Social services are very often discussed as parts of the government that aren’t “profitable”, the obvious implication being that profit is the primary motive to offering, like, public transit, as opposed it being a public good that helps society function better by letting people move around more freely. You’ll also see these services framed as “handouts” for lazy people who don’t work hard - again, framing basic aspects of everyday life as things you must earn by constant participation in the market, first as a worker and then as a consumer. This is partially a neoliberal conception of public life.

I’ve seen it argued (by Greg Suttor if you want a specific citation lol) that ideologically, neoliberalism is about hiding the presence of the state from people. Society needs things like roads and water and housing and food and education and medical care to run effectively, but running them as a utility is expensive, and it’s basically become a unanimous agreement between all major political parties that spending money on government services is bad (for lots of complicated reasons, one of them being that capitalist interests are fundamentally opposed to paying for services that don’t generate profit), so instead you hand the responsibility off to private companies to do it, who then run it not as a utility for the benefit of the public but as a way for them to make money, turning the utility into a product. This doesn’t make the problem of, say, every person in your country needing a house go away, but now the burden is on each individual to access or not access that via the private market, and that access is dictated by the amount of money you have. It’s a way of de-collectivising mass social needs, and as a consequence it encourages people to think of themselves as individuals disconnected from a larger whole.

A good example to illustrate the cultural effects of neoliberalism is the rise of the concept of self-care, which is essentially pathologising and marketising leisure time - you work hard, you have a bad mental health day, you deserve to treat yourself by buying an expensive coffee, or a new hat, or going to the movies after work. The act of self care allows you to “responsibly” spend your money on things that aren’t absolutely necessary (like food, rent, and clothing) by framing those purchases as a mental health support. And I’m not criticising this rationalisation people do btw, I also do this lol, but this example illustrates that people have such deep anxiety on spending money on “frivolous” things that you need to justify a starbucks latte as a thing that will improve your mental health (+ therefore make you more productive at work).

Anyway this has gotten away from me a bit but I hope that’s helpful lol. I’m not a political theory person so this explanation is policy heavy, not because that’s the only thing that is important but because that is the part I’m most familiar with. Neoliberalism is something that has been happening for decades by now and is very mature. It’s a particular way of conceptualising state responsibility as limited and narrow - public needs are to be handled by the market, and the state handles things like police and border security (notably the only two ‘public services’ that have seen any substantial increase in funding). It’s also a way of understanding the world as a series of private individual interactions between a consumer and the market, often framed as democratic (“the freer the market, the freer the people”, “vote with your dollar”, etc), but what’s on the market are basic necessities you need to stay alive, so “not voting” is not really an option.

[isolatedbubble]

Romance in MXTX, Priest, and SHL

MXTX: Flower, Wine and Dreamworld

The romance in MXTX's works is like flower that grows in ice and snow; colorful, bright and hopelessly romantic, blossoms in misery and hardships.

It features a distinct "us against the world" mindset, depicting love as the only constant in the world. It's an eternal "dreamworld" detached from worldly matters, the perfect escapism as well as a source of strengths in the face of cruel reality.

Both MDZS and TGCF are a critique of mob mentality.

The contrast between CQL and MDZS is very interesting. While the former ends with LWJ taking charge, and therefore changing the world for the better, the novel ends with wangxian isolating themselves from grand politics and focusing more on helping individuals as recluse. It has an essentially pessimistic attitude towards the morality & intelligence of the collective. 

TGCF takes a slightly more optimistic approach, featuring the crowd being courageous under the right circumstances. However, both works share a similar undertone: putting one’s absolute faith in the collective is dangerous, whereas unconditional trust and devotion can be only found in one-to-one connection

MXTX herself compares MDZS and TGCF to 花间一壶酒 (A cup of wine among flowers), MDZS being the wine and TGCF being flower. She also compares MDZS to 风���夜归人, the person returning home from snow and wind, and TGCF to 红泥小火炉, a small red furnace.

Priest: Breezing Wind and Burning Iron

The romance in priest's works is more complicated. It's the most gentle in its normal state, when it is rational and collected, in which case it's like the breezing wind, soothing, sweet and light-hearted. It gives the individuals more incentive to achieve their individual and/or societal vision, as well as more reason to value their own lives & well-being.

In Faraway Wanderers, the most distinct feature of WenZhou relationship is how in naturally sync they are, and how comfortable & smooth their dynamic is. They both have past burden, but it doesn’t matter, because they bring simple joy, understanding and happiness in each other’s lives.

In Sha Po Lang and The Guardian, the ML’s lingering love for the MC motivates them to become better version of themselves, to care about others, and to form a holistic vision about bettering society. 

In The Defective, Lin Jingheng(MC) explicitly said that Lu Bixing(ML) is the only meaning in his life. He had little incentive to care about his own life after his revenge plan fell apart. LBX helped him reconnect with his inner idealism, and gave him a reason value his life.

When the passion and fiery energy manifests itself, however, the romance is like burning iron, blood and fire. It isn’t actually toxic or unhealthy, but it's not pure and innocent either; in this case, it strives for something deeper and more intense, never content with the past or the present. The sheer intensity of relationship is like a double-edged sword, walking the fine line between unconditional devotion and dangerous obsession. 

SHL: Spring Water and Healing Open Wounds

The romance in SHL is like "spring water"; it's warm, gentle, nurturing. It breaks through the boundary between individuals to bring the couple closer to each other, taking them back to a utopia of their childhood dream, away from social pressure and responsibility. The theme central to their relationship is “salvation”: how love is able to bring people back to integrity.

Both drama wkx and drama zzs have lots of regret about their past sins and wrongdoings. Four Seasons Manor is essentially a metaphor for purity, acceptance and the safety of childhood home. How to make drama wkx open up and accept this safe harbor as his home is one of the most significant plot-lines of the show.

SHL couple is way more emotionally vulnerable and expressive. A significant part of SHL arc is healing the wounds in an open and honest way. They cuddle and confide in each other way more often, talk about their shameful past and even cry about their regrets in front of one another, which is very rare among MXTX/Priest works.

The heat of the relationship sometimes gets too hot and even burns; in other words, there are constant miscommunications, conflicts and misunderstandings in the relationship. However, they can never let each other go, because it's the only source of warmth left for them in their hopeless lives filled with regrets and guilt.

Similarities and Differences

*Note that this is not a SHL/TYK comparison. TYK is kind of an “unorthodox” priest novel; you will know what I mean if you have read 3+ of her works. 

Relationship Dynamic & Narrative:  

In MXTX’s works, the concept of “romance” itself is divined; and the characters are illustration of the ideal of “undying love”. People are made for one another, to complete one another. Her works use colorful symbolism (silver butterflies, the emperor’s smile, the 3 thousand lanterns, etc.) to depict this romanticized ideal of love. 

For MXTX, the romanticization of “destined love” is one of the most recurring themes of her novels. Therefore, the readers look at their relationship through rose-color glasses. Obsession is usually framed in a jolly & romantic light, and doesn’t feature much tension or stress, and has less negative or unhealthy undertone. 

In most of priest’s works and SHL, soulmates are not born but made, so they have to figure out how their relationship works step by step. Therefore the narrative is less of a “rosy picture”. 

Priest has a habit of using derogatory terms to describe relationships that are mostly healthy, but somewhat “bloody” and edgy, full of excessive passion and obsession. The most common phrase is “爱生忧怖”, a Buddhist term meaning “love results in worry and fear”. 

SHL obviously has to be more subtle in expressing love. That said, drama WenZhou are way more emotionally vulnerable and expressive than their novel counterparts, as well as most Priest & MXTX characters. They have a dramatic falling out once in a while, even towards the end. They barely fit the Chinese definition of Zhiji (to know me/to understand one another), but are “lovers” who are buried deep in their passion instead. 

Past, Future and Evolvement: 

In SHL, characters are encouraged to treasure past impressions that are thrown in figurative “wrappings”, whose luster is derived from age-old experiences (Psychological Types, Carl Jung). In other words, they are encouraged to root their love in a shared past, a Utopia of innocence. 

The contrast between The Defective and Word of Honor is very interesting to observe. Both involve long separation, and the suffering and personality changes hat comes from it.   SHL narrative frames their innocent childhood as something to cling to and return to. Drama WKX is encouraged to accept his identity as Four Seasons Manor disciple because it was part of his childhood past. This is a significant part of drama WenZhou relationship.

In The Defective, the narrative doesn't encourage the couple to dwell on the past that much. On the contrary, the all-knowing AI explicitly discouraged the MC from “comparing past to present”. They are advised to accept changes, however painful it might be, and build a better, more equal dynamic out of it, evolving from one-sided pandering to fighting side-by-side.  

In Priest’s novels, the characters rarely return to something in the past, but look into the future. Change is usually framed as inherently beneficial, albeit usually painful and rocky, the implication being that you need to constantly strive for something better.  

Sha Po Lang is a good example of this, with Gu Yun’s changing attitude towards Chang Geng after he as he matures, gradually showing his intelligence in politics. CG starts referring to GY as Zixi instead of YiFu is also a sign of this change---to see him as equal rather than a parental figure & protector.

The Defective is even more obvious in this regard, with both parties uncomfortable with the change initially, but gradually adjusting to the changes during their 16-year separation. The ML also stops calling MC by his surname “Lin”, as a sign of viewing him as equal. 

In MXTX’s works, change in personality or relationship dynamic is neither framed as painful or good. It just happens. It’s a natural flow that take place when it does. Their relationships are rarely challenged by change. They are objectively at a better place compared to their past, but it’s merely the result of a series of events rather than a deliberate choice or struggle.  

WangXian’s relationship naturally changes over time after WWX’s rebirth, but neither of them really struggles with the change. 

Xie Lian doesn’t even recognize Hua Cheng as the someone from his past, so they start out as friends getting to know each other. 

Salvation and Changing one another: 

Priest herself stated in an interview that she doesn’t believe in the concept of salvation, since people have the inner capacity to be their own savior. Therefore, priest characters usually don’t actively try to change their partner’s morals or personality. Some might be willingly influenced by their partner, but there’s rarely an element of moral condemnation. Even when there is a conflict between different values, the options are 1) to reconcile them by choosing the middle ground 2) to maintain their independence and tackle it with nuance 3) to break up.

On surface level, Mo Du/Silent Reading is about Luo Wenzhou being Fei Du’s salvation. However, as LWZ pointed out himself, Fei Du would’ve been a good person at heart with or without his influence. 

In The Defective, when Lu Bixing mistakenly thought Lin Jingheng stayed in the Eighth Galaxy against his own wishes because of their relationship, and that their priorities are irreconcilable, he even thought about breaking up. Of course he was not serious about it, but this showcased that he would never try to change LJH’s convictions. 

In SHL, however, the concept of salvation is central to the theme. Some find it strange that SHL make drama zzs the more “moral” one of the two, despite his action being more objectively questionable. In fact, the only reason he get framed as more “moral” is that he admitted his fault sooner, and therefore could guide drama wkx’s path back to salvation: to recognize the goodness in people, make peace with external world, to clear his name in Jianghu, and to follow due process with his revenge plan to avoid collateral damages. 

“I tried to change you, but you end up changing me”, said drama ZZS. This relationship dynamic is never present in any of priest’s works I’ve read. Priest characters don’t *try* to change one another. 

Does MXTX believe in salvation? Hard to tell. One could argue that Hua Cheng would have be way more amoral and even immoral if it hadn’t been for XL. This is complicated and is a topic for another time.

However, it is certain that MXTX MCs don’t condemn each other morally. “The orthodox one defending their unorthodox partner in front of the world” is a common wuxia trope, but the way MXTX novels approach it is very different from SHL. 

HuaLian never had a serious falling out about being on different sides. Even when they disagree, they respect each other and love each other exactly the way they are. Hua Cheng didn’t approve of Xie Lian saving Mu Qing, but he didn’t interfere with Xie Lian’s decision. Xie Lian feels responsible for helping Shi Qingxuan in Blackwater arc, but he is perfectly fine with HC helping He Xuan keep secrets. In several cases where they have different values, they are able to make it work with ease.

LWJ never *morally* condemned WWX for his action, and never once objected to WWX practicing demonic cultivation after his rebirth. In fact, LWJ never objected to WWX’s morals; in their previous life he was worried about his safety, and struggled with what to do about certain situations due to his family background, but difference in morality is not an issue for them. 

The “righteous” one does not feel the need to guide their unorthodox partner or to be their salvation with regards to integrity. 

*The similarity & differences part is a bit messy and some points are not fleshed-out. Sorry about that. 

**I don’t claim to have the right interpretation. The lens by which we see different styles of romance is ultimately subjective. 

[indigochromatic]

Yeah, this gets at a concept that we also think is important to discussions of plurality and multiplicity as a whole, especially for folks who are questioning or who feel like their experiences are 'on the fence.'

As a disclaimer: yes, of course people can use the framework of plurality in unhealthy ways, like OP mentions; this is bad, and responsible plural spaces of any kind should do their best to foster different values (mutual respect and compassion, system responsibility, support for folks who conclude that plurality actually doesn't describe their experiences well, etc). But the ability to be misused isn't somehow unique to the concept of plurality. Medications, therapy modalities, spiritual principles, etc, all have the potential to be abused or misused, too. And I think the emphasis should be on helping folks figure out what does work for them--how to recognize when something isn't working vs when it is, but it's hard work, etc--rather than making assumptions from the outside about what their experience will or should be like.

Story time: so I (me, S, specifically) sometimes experience my own emotions, memories/exomemories, and clashing perspectives in ways that can have some 'median subsystem flavor' to them. It's often especially true when I'm wrestling with something emotionally challenging, or trying to sort out conflicting values, and has a tendency to get less vivid or disappear entirely when those inner conflicts get resolved. Usually it's not inherently uncomfortable, but rarely, at its most problematic, the experience at least feels a lot like how we've heard some systems describe their experiences with CDDs: stronger dissociation than usual, 'voices in my head' arguing chaotically back and forth with each other, blurry sense of self, deep sense of inner conflict, 'facets' that feel directly associated with specific identity concepts or roles or reactions.

I don't consider myself a median subsystem, for the record. However, this process is still frequently beneficial to me. And when I brought this whole thing up to our therapist, the very first thing she did was to ask me a very important question:

"Does it feel good or bad when this happens?"

Which allowed me to take a moment to figure out how to articulate the more complicated reality that, for me personally, it...feels right to "come back together", but it also doesn't feel wrong to be able to "spread apart a bit" to work out problems--especially if L and I are collectively able to give the issues attention right away. Our brain has always been very verbal-oriented and 'dialogue-based', and being able to talk directly to 'aspects of myself' that are struggling, whether it's me 'talking within myself' or L giving extra attention to a part of me that particularly needs it, has consistently worked well for us, throughout these past 2-2.5 years since I showed up.

Simultaneously, however, the long stretches of time (like...most of the time, maybe 80%) where there's little to no median-y stuff going on for me feel just fine. 3 days with no in-system communication between me and L? Fucking awful. Hell, I get depressed if I'm fronting for longer than half a day without being able to contact her. But when my own internal experience feels "together", I don't feel wrong or bad at all--I just feel…like me. It's good.

I could call myself median; I don't. I could find that whole overall experience to be net negative for me; I don't. And if some hypothetical random person on the internet wanted to tell me I was wrong about either of those, I guarantee you that they do not have enough context to make that call--let alone the authority to.

To me, (and yeah, this is an anecdote of one guy's personal experience, not statistical data or anything), the takeaway to all this is that the mental frameworks that people use for themselves are intensely personal--by which I mean, it's way more important to figure out how a particular framework or technique or label is working for someone, than to get caught up on whether or not they 'should' be using it, a priori. Doesn't mean that people don't sometimes have dysfunctional frameworks that can and should be changed! But the key question is about whether it's actually being dysfunctional for them, not what it is or what it sounds like.

the concern that people will worsen their dissociative symptoms/identity disturbance by misinterpreting their experiences as plurality has never made sense to me because, like. most people who report benefiting from therapies like IFS/parts work also report that unblending (purposefully detaching) from parts of their psyche allows them to engage with those parts more fully and analyze their wants and needs. i guess 'detachment' is a scary concept for people because it can imply rejection or disavowal? and i agree, that absolutely hurts people! but if you're actively not rejecting or disavowing whatever you perceive as, like, an independent agent that shares your brain, i don't think it's inherently going to harm you to detach yourself conceptually from that agent, even if you end up being wrong about what it is.

[camxnoel-updates]

Cameron Monaghan brought the character of Ian Gallagher to life on Showtime’s hit series, Shameless. The series aired for a total of 11 seasons after originally premiering in 2011. It ranked as the network’s no. 1 comedy, longest-running series, and had the youngest-skewing audience of any Showtime series. Monaghan also joined two legendary universes with roles in both Gotham and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, which I got to ask him about too!

The final season of SHAMELESS finds the Gallagher family and the South Side at a crossroads, with changes caused by the COVID pandemic, gentrification, and aging to reconcile. As Frank confronts his own mortality and family ties in his alcoholic and drug-induced twilight years, Lip struggles with the prospect of becoming the family’s new patriarch. Newlyweds Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and Mickey (Noel Fisher) are figuring out the rules and responsibilities of being in a committed relationship while Deb embraces her individuality and single motherhood. Carl finds an unlikely new career in law enforcement and Kevin and V struggle to decide whether a hard life on the South Side is worth fighting for.

Along with the final season, fans also got a six-episode series that featured new Shameless scenes juxtaposed with a retrospective look at each character’s journey over the prior 10 seasons, titled, Shameless Hall of Shame. The first episode followed Ian and Mickey, showcasing their unique relationship and its evolution from a teen fling into a loving, complicated marriage.

I was able to chat with the actor over zoom and ask him all of my burning questions regarding the series finale, Ian and Mickey’s future, the show’s open ending, the representation his character provided to those watching, what he kept from the set, his future projects, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

So first of all, I want to say a huge congrats to you for wrapping Shameless after 11 seasons and bringing this character to life, who has inspired so many and that so many relate to. I wanted to ask, what has your time on the show meant to you and how would you describe how it helped you grow as an actor?

Cameron Monaghan: I mean, it’s so difficult to distill 11 years into some sort of concise answer, but it’s meant a lot for so many reasons. I think that obviously it’s been important for my career and my life in a sense of how it’s not only given me exposure but also given all of us a platform as performers to be able to tell interesting and challenging stories and to really develop and grow. Obviously, we had a couple of old pros on the show– when I say old pros, I’m not calling them old, just that they’re professionals and they’ve been doing it for a long time, but like William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a number of people who had very storied careers. Then we had actors on the show who had never appeared on anything prior and for a lot of us, we were somewhere in the middle, where we’d been working for a number of years, but hadn’t been given the opportunities to really put ourselves out there in such a significant way.

So being able to get an audience over the course of 11 years– and the show grew steadily, it was a marginal success at first, but it wasn’t until like season 4 or 5 that it really started to be seen by people and really connect on a larger platform, and a lot of that had to do with Netflix. When that happens we had such an influx of people kind of saying how they related to it and I think that that’s something that I’ve really taken away– I think we’ve all taken away, to be able to hear a lot of other people’s stories and how they’ve connected these stories in entirely different ways. Everyone has had different favorite characters or storylines and they have brought their own personal experiences to that, but for people to say that they feel seen or heard in some ways by these stories, I think is very special. You know, the character that I was playing was an LGBT love story, as well as a story about mental illness, and coping and struggling with that. I had so many positive responses from people regarding those things, and it was amazing to hear people’s responses. So I think that not only was I able to grow as an actor but being able to hear that response and feedback helps you grow as a human being too. I guess that’s what one of my major takeaways is.

What was that final day of shooting like for you, and how did you feel when you officially wrapped?

It was a bit surreal. I don’t think it really set in at first. It’s always funny when you wrap on a project, I feel like it comes in waves, and with something like a TV show, you start to feel it on the last few episodes of like, “Oh, wow, it’s going to be over.” You start trying to find your little ways of saying goodbye to people and understanding that these conversations are obviously not the last for everyone; we’re still close with each other, but you start to recognize that within the context of the show they’ll be your last so that’s a difficult thing. I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye, you know? I feel like in general, I’m kind of a person that just likes to be like, “I’m just going to walk away from it cause I don’t know what else to do really.”

So, we were shooting pretty late at night and we were all there hanging out and cracking jokes, and it was just of like, “Oh, I guess that’s it.” We all kind of looked at each other like, “Well, what do we do now?” A bunch of us stuck around for a few hours afterward, we popped a bottle of champagne, and we sat in each others’ trailers and just kinda hung out until pretty early in the morning, the next day. Then we’ve all kind of just been hanging out and seeing each other since. Everyone’s been really busy, thankfully. So we’ve been traveling and going to different cities for work, but when we’ve been in town we’ve been trying to see each other. I had dinner with Jeremy and Ethan, who played my brothers on the show last week. Noel Fisher, I just saw yesterday. I’m going to see Shanola Hampton in a few days. We’re all still staying in touch with each other is what I’ll say.

Were you personally satisfied with the ending of the show? I think it was very open-ended, which was kind of nice and left a lot open for the future. And was there anything you wanted to see for your character that we weren’t able to?

Endings are difficult in general, but I feel like, especially with a show like Shameless, which is a show about a slice of life and sort of how existence doesn’t really fall into a perfect narrative; it tends to be messy and kind of just continue in spite of itself, and it’s a stream of these little victories and these constant mistakes. So you can’t really cap off a pure ending to a story like that. I think that what John Wells tried to do with writing it is not really conclude the stories. He concludes certain aspects, but the way that he explained it to us is he wanted it to feel like if you were walking through the streets of Chicago, maybe you might bump into these characters. Maybe they’re still out there and maybe they’re still doing things. Some of us had more resolution than others.

I would actually say that the Ian and Mickey storyline was one that did have a fair amount of resolution for the final episode. It was about their anniversary, how they were going to deal with their future, and they’ve kind of figured out some sort of life with each other. There are still large questions, whether or not they’re going to have kids and what the terms of their marriage will entail in the future, but those are questions that are lifelong questions, and ones that I think that we know these characters well enough and we understand their relationships well enough that we can draw our own conclusions for. I think there is something beautiful about the fact that the audience will project what their future for these characters will be.

I think it was a challenging final season because of so many extenuating factors in the world. All shows, businesses, everything was trying frantically to keep up with a changing landscape, and the fact that we were able to make it in spite of all of those things, I think is a victory in itself; one that we are all proud of and happy with. I do think there’s still a future, years out, where we might return to these characters and explore them further. I think that I’m happy putting them to bed for now, I think we all are, but I would like to maybe check in with these characters in 5 or 10 years, and just kind of see where they’re at and what they’re doing.

Kind of like a little Shameless movie, just to play catch up for a little bit.

Yeah, I think that’s something that is kind of more possible now with these streaming networks. They’ve done it with a few series, to sometimes success and sometimes mixed results, but I do think there is a possibility of a reunion season or something like that, depending on where the show fits into the public consciousness in a few years, you know? It’s an open question, but one I’d be excited to see.

How you would describe Ian’s evolution and journey on the show?

I think that Ian has come a long way in terms of confidence and assuredness in himself and his own decisions. I think that’s what a lot of the exploration of the character was, especially in the middle seasons between seasons like 3 to 8 or 9, are this guy who sort of just doesn’t necessarily know what he wants for himself and he’s dealing with a bunch of surprises about himself that he doesn’t necessarily understand, or hasn’t really come to terms with. I think it’s amazing to see Ian in these earlier episodes where he’s kind of getting kicked around by his relationships and by his family. He’s kind of a forgotten kid a little bit. He’s like a middle child, who’s just sort of– people aren’t really looking out for him. His brother does to a certain extent, but also his brother is kind of telling him what he wants for himself and Ian isn’t as active.

At a certain point, he starts to really come into his own as an adult and as a human being. I think it’s amazing how we see him as not only a big brother by the end of the series, but also sort of– there’s something a bit paternal about him. He becomes a bit of a father figure, even a little bit in his relationships. I think it’s interesting how Mickey was always sort of the commanding force and deciding factor for so much of the series; when Ian was really struggling with mental illness and down in the dumps, Mickey is the kind of guy who was looking after him, but by the end of the series, Mickey is a bit childlike in certain ways. Ian is kind of protecting him to a certain extent, and even with his older brother, Lip, Ian is sort of looking out for him in a slightly paternal way, which I think is kind of interesting. He really comes a long way in sort of being confident enough in himself to start looking out for other people that I think is a really great quality. It makes him a character who has made a fair amount of mistakes but mistakes that we understand, and I think that ultimately he’s a guy that I understand and really relate to because he does have this quality to him.

So I have to ask you some questions about Ian and Mickey. I personally love them together, they were one of the reasons I started watching the show. In the end, as you said, we kind of get some closure, but also an open ending with them and it’s a happy one; they’re together and celebrating their anniversary. In your head, what do you think that their future holds? Do you think kids are in the picture; do you think they’re going to be parents? Ideally, what is your version of their happy ending, if you could create it?

I think that they both still need to do some work. I would say that they need to do work as a couple in their marriage still of just defining the terms of what is it that they want financially, sexually, intimately, personally, all of these things. It’s a show full of people who aren’t great at communication or dealing with their own feelings– I mean to a certain extent, most human beings aren’t, but these guys, especially, come from a rough background and they have that tendency of just kind of wanting to push that stuff down. Ian has really opened up Mickey and Mickey to a certain extent has really opened up Ian over the course of the series, but I still don’t think they’re fully all the way there. Mickey has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to parenthood, his father, and dealing with responsibility.

I don’t know if Mickey is fully there. Hopefully, he would be one day in the future. And hopefully, Ian would be patient enough to give him the space to make that decision and to not want to rush into it. I do think that it would be something in their future. Parenthood was a huge motivating factor for Ian earlier in the series, going so far as to steal someone’s baby at some point because he wants to be a father. I would hope that they would be able to provide that for him and for themselves, but there’s no way to know, we have to sort of make that assumption for ourselves, but I think so.

Ian and Mickey have been this fan-favorite couple that means so much to the LGBTQ+ community in terms of representation. What was the moment that you personally started rooting for them?

I think it was pretty early. I was rooting for Ian from the first episode, from the pilot, but the second that Mickey gets introduced to the show, he brought such a fun dynamic with him. Obviously, a massive amount of charisma that was coming from Noel Fisher. The scenes were always fun, exciting, and felt steeped in a lot of dramatic tension. Whether or not they were destined to be together was kind of a question that still was developing. In the first season to the third season, the Mickey character is pretty rough emotionally and physically; he is at points pretty, extremely abusive in a way that is great for a character and for a story, but if I was talking to Ian as a person in real life, I would probably say, “Get the hell away from this guy. He’s awful for you.”

But within the context of the story, we’re able to get the internal life of these characters and we understand them well enough to really want to be rooting for them and see them succeed. It builds into this pretty epic love story of these characters that really do feel kind of intertwined by fate and something greater. It feels like you have these forces pulling for them in a way that you want with every fiber of your being to see it work out for them because you care for them. So obviously, Noel and I had been rooting for these characters the entire time, but it was really fun playing some of the ridiculousness of the situations of the two of them, where they were just very at odds with each other at times. It was a joy bouncing off of each other in both the highs and the lows of the character.

Is there sort of a message that you hope their love story gives to viewers that see themselves in these characters?

Well, I think the aspects of the characters, especially for Mickey, that I’m sure a lot of people relate to, and it is sort of the greatest tragedy of the character, is how he is deeply in the closet and he feels that he can’t embrace his own self and also this beautiful love because of this situation that he’s in; a traumatic home life, specifically an abusive father, and also an environment that doesn’t allow him to be what he wants to be. I guess the message that I do hope that people who are relating to that get is that there are places where you can be accepted and there are better options for you, and sometimes that takes time, but as cliched as it is, it does get better. So hopefully people are able to find these safe environments for themselves to be able to improve the quality of life and to get better situations. I hope that people find hope in the story ultimately.

Another relationship of Ian’s that I have to discuss is his relationship with the whole Gallagher family; that was a focus of the series since day one. What was your favorite part of their dynamic and playing off that?

Obviously, the chaos of the family is always really fun to play. We had these scenes that were kind of an amazing balancing act of like 8 or 9 people in a scene, all messing around with these different storylines that are bouncing off of each other, intertwining, and you have this really biting sharp satirical dialogue that all had a very specific rhythm to it and was a sort of flow that was established early in the show that was kind of kept across the entire series; one that was a genuine joy as a performer to play. But I think that specifically the relationship that I’ve always been a fan of and I love from the start, is probably– it’s definitely one of my favorite relationships on the show– was the relationship between Ian and Lip.

There’s not a lot of depictions of brotherhood and intimacy between men that are deeply sensitive, close, and uncomplicated. Those are definitely scenes that I felt very personally moved by, of two brothers who have just had a world of shit, a lot of complicated and messed up things that have been dropped on their heads that they’ve been dealing with for the entirety of their lives, but they’ve sort of made a pact that they were just gonna be there for each other no matter what. If they weren’t there for each other, who knows if they would have survived. I think that there’s something really amazing about those scenes in that they’re just very open with each other, and that’s something that’s established right from the start and was kind of one of those key relationships for the show that survived until the very last episode and that I’m very proud of, cause I do think that those are some of my personal favorite scenes of the show.

Here’s a fun three-part question: most challenging, fun, and insane storyline for you as an actor?

Most challenging would probably have to be… we reached a point in the series around season 8 and they were trying to contextualize the characters in a modern way, put them into new circumstances, but try to retain what the characters were, but they’ve moved a lot from where they originally were. We were at a point where we were getting so many new writers onto the series, and the show I feel struggled for a second, which happens with any series that’s been on for a while. It felt like there was a point where they didn’t know what they wanted to do with Ian. There were a couple of episodes where I was kind of looking at the story and being like, “What are we doing here? It doesn’t really feel like anything is happening with him and we’re kind of floating across these relationships.” I wasn’t sure what we were trying to say, but that being said, that is kind of true to life, to a certain degree, where we do find ourselves sometimes in these ruts where we don’t know what we’re doing with our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. There is a little bit of a struggle there and that is kind of real to a certain degree, and I do think having those episodes make when they started finding the way with the character and relationships again, kind of more satisfying cause he sort of loses his way and he comes back. So it was kind of a challenge, but I think it all worked out ultimately.

Craziest would have to be… so this is one that no one would even know is like a thing really, no one would even think of it as a thing, but the scene in the pilot episode, Lip and Ian jump out of like a window and they run out of a house to escape an angry parent, right? And they’re kind of running in a rush. So they run out in their socks, down the street, and it’s the middle of January in Chicago and the streets are covered in mud, water, and ice. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt in my life that I actually thought my feet were going to like fall off. I thought we were going to have to amputate a toe because of frostbite. We did the scene a bunch of times, and because Jeremy and I were young, we were just sort of trying to be tough, just like, “Yeah, whatever, it’s not a problem. We can do this over and over, not a big deal.” Then I definitely learned a lesson of like, when something is a problem, you have to say, it’s a problem.

Most fun… I don’t know if I can distill it to just one scene. I think the most fun was just getting to interact with all of the wildly different personalities of our show, and just kind of get to sit around and hang out with everyone. There were times that we would just be laughing so hard that one of us would start and we just end up crying, laughing. Usually, it was because of Howey cracking jokes or something like that, but it could be just the dumbest to smallest thing, but it’s the kind of thing when you become so comfortable with people, it just starts to happen. Sometimes it was just the downtime and these little small kind of boring or mundane moments that really ended up being some of my favorite experiences.

Did you take anything from the set at all?

I did. So in the final season, there’s a storyline where Frank steals Nighthawks, the Edward Hopper painting, and that was actually done in cooperation with the Art Institute of Chicago and the Edward Hopper estate. They did these really high-resolution prints of it that were then painted over by hand, and they even took pictures of the back and mimicked the way that the canvas wrapped over, the small writing, and everything. It’s a pretty damn good forgery of Nighthawks. So I stole one of those and that’s hanging up in my living room. I also stole one of the mugs cause in the show we’re always having breakfast and drinking coffee, so there are these rooster mugs and I stole one of those.

Since you’re talking to The Nerds of Color, I have to ask you about Star Wars and Gotham. What stood out to you about Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order compared to your other work, and what did it mean to you to join that iconic universe?

I mean, what stood out pretty quickly was that it had a tone all of its own. Star Wars is a very specific tone. It has sort of its own language, pacing, style, and rhythm; there’s something very specific about it, something that I’m a big fan of. I grew up watching the Star Wars movies and that was definitely… you know, anytime that you’re jumping onto something with an active and passionate fanbase it’s going to be slightly intimidating. There’s no way around that. Thankfully, I’ve at this point done enough projects with really passionate fanbases to kind of understand what that entails, which is that there’s going to be a lot of opinions. A lot of people are really excited about things and no matter what, even the smallest things, someone’s going to be very, very angry about it. That comes along with the territory, but that’s kind of fun to a certain degree; it’s fun to hear such minutiae and being examined, and these conversations are ones that are being had on set too.

There’s so much conversation between the Lucasfilm story group, Respawn, and EA, who are the production companies behind the game, and also the cast, directors, and everybody involved are sometimes discussing, “How does a person stand? How does one get onto a speeder bike? What kind of sound does this monster make?” And there’s always a genuine deference and respect to the series. We know how much people care about it. We know because we care about it a lot, and everyone on this project are huge fans of the source material. So that was exciting to be a part of, obviously; I mean, that should go without saying. It’s so freaking cool to be a Jedi and to be the face of this massive franchise, and to be able to not only be a part of a really well-known property and part of this large project but also to be able to tell an interesting and intimate story within it. For as bombastic as all of the action is, and as big as the Star Wars universe is, I feel the story of Cal Kestis and the people that he interacts with is a somewhat smaller one and a more intimate one. It’s ultimately, at least for me, a pretty emotionally resonant one and a story that I actually very much care about and relate to. I think that was probably the most exciting part about it, was being able to within the framework of this big machinery of what Star Wars is, still tell a story that might actually affect people and make them feel things, I think was just really cool.

Could you describe how it felt to take on the role of the Joker?

Exciting, intimidating, an honor, and challenging; it’s a role that I didn’t take lightly. I understood what it was, which is that a lot of the people who were seeing me in the role had never heard of me and didn’t know who I was, and it was a way to prove myself and to show off my take of what I could do with this. It was really cool too with that show that we were getting to do something that had never really been done before with the character, which is to show multiple versions and possibilities of what that character could be, and to kind of tip our hat to some of the famous stories that came before, and then kind of give a unique spin and show off some new things with it as well.

Obviously, that show was heightened to a certain degree and kind of existed in this wacky over-the-top violent, but also slightly cartoony universe that was kind of its own little thing. That was really fun to play around with it and to totally get to do something kind of different with that, something that we hadn’t seen before. But I think it was specifically really intimidating because, at that point of casting when I performed the episode in the first season of that show, no one had played the role since Heath Ledger had posthumously won the Oscar for the role. So the only people who had touched it in live-action had been Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, which are just massive, massive shoes to fill and two people that I deeply admired. Again, it’s just sort of a case of respect and wanting to kind of come in, just do my absolute best with the material, and to try to pay a certain level of honor to the people that came before.

Anything you can tease about what you’re going to do next? Any future projects?

Absolutely. It’s always difficult with this stuff because there’s only so much you can say. I can say that I just shot a film that hasn’t been announced yet, but I was out of town shooting it for a while. It’s the starring role in the film, and that will come out to theaters in the near future. I’m also working on another project over the course of the next year that I will be working on and off for. Again, thanks to the joys of NDAs, I can’t actually say what it is. I have a movie that I will be doing in June and then also I’m starting to move a bit behind the camera as well. So I’m working on producing and starring in a feature in August or September. And I’m writing a couple of projects right now as well. So it’s a loaded year for the next year, but it’s all very exciting that’s happening.

[bigskydreaming]

Hi! You've talked about Brother Blood a lot so I was hoping you'd know. I saw a post where some people were saying that Dick being brainwashed was a retcon done just to make him look less jerky. Is that true?

Eh, yes and no?

Like it depends on what you consider a retcon to be, I guess. If you view any story moment that contradicts or alters a previous one to be a retcon, then yeah, I suppose you could call it that. Personally though, I consider retcons to be later additions to a story or continuity that create a REPLACEMENT for an earlier story moment, that people are meant to refer back to from then on. Dick's brainwashing, to me, was simply a reveal. It altered the way his previous behavior was viewed, but it was deliberately led up to, like that WAS the story.

Now, to be fair, the specific way the brainwashing was explained, it made things ambiguous enough that you could make USE of the brainwashing to excuse or explain away pretty much anything you didn't like about his behavior between the first Church of Blood story (when Dick was still Robin) and this one. So I suppose in that respect, it is a retcon.

But what makes me scrunchy faced when most people write off or ignore the brainwashing as a retcon (and why is it that people are so willing to accept SOME retcons but not others, I would really like to know, like 'but it was a retcon' seems to come up ANNOYINGLY often in Dick's narratives in particular, with that line being used to try and invalidate Dick being fired, Robin being his mother's name for him, that he was brainwashed in the Church of Blood stories, etc. Yeah they were retcons, but so were eighty million other things people just accept. Like.....I'm just saying).

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyway, what makes me go eh about people going 'oh the brainwashing was just a retcon to make him seem like less of a jerk' because yes, I have heard that argument too.....is that the things people cite as what they feel are examples of the behavior they think this was a retcon FOR, like.....just do not work as such.

Because the big ones are the ways Dick behaved on Tamaran and with Kory's political marriage, and then his fight with Donna upon his return to Earth.

And I just want to point out the timeline involved here:

Dick's big blowup with Kory over her political marriage? Was in New Teen Titans #18. His fight with Donna, was in #19. The reveal of his brainwashing, which led him to lash out due to the mental and emotional turmoil he was in fighting against the conditioning, as Mother Mayhem termed it, was in #22.

That's a span of less than five months from the biggest jerk moment people cite as what was being retconned with the brainwashing....til the brainwashing moment itself. And there's a couple of things to keep in mind here.....first, that comics - especially back in the eighties - take TIME to produce. Even if there had been a huge reader backlash at the time of #18's publication, with readers calling for Dick's head, the idea that this could lead to inserting the entire brainwashing plot setup as a fix-it retcon is dubious if not outright impossible. Issue #22 was on the SHELVES not even five full months after #18's publication. In the 80s, the way comics were produced and published, they needed to be completely finished and shipped off to retailers a couple months before their on-shelf date, and it took weeks to print everything, and the lettering and inking and every step of the creation of each issue was done by hand.....

How exactly, do people propose that DC even had TIME to note any sizable need to correct or fix Dick's behavior in something like #18....and actually DO so by #22?

Not to mention, every issue in between them lays another brick into place on the road to REVEALING that Dick was brainwashed this whole time.....because in #19, when he had that big fight with Donna, he was actively shown questioning himself on his OWN behavior after the fight was over. Asking himself why he said the things he did, like....he was second-guessing his own behavior, which I don't see how that could have possibly been put in to lay groundwork for a retcon AFTER #18 was published....because #19 and #20 likely should have been already completed and off to the printers by the time #18 even hit stands.

And then AFTER #19, in #20 and #21, we saw Dick actively infiltrating the Church, or THINKING that was what he was doing, even though the Church was on to him the whole time, because his conditioning was actually just....directing him to basically walk right back into their clutches. Again, works as set up for the REVEAL that he was brainwashed, but impossible to have put into place to enable a RETCON.

So no matter how you look at it, even IF the decision to introduce a brainwashing retcon to 'fix' some of Dick's behavior had been made due to story elements from BEFORE #18.....

The events of #18 themselves, as well as #19-#22......still do not work as things that are just conveniently retconned by the brainwashing.....they have to have been written with the specific intention in mind of laying groundwork for the idea that Dick was 'lashing out due to his mental struggle against his conditioning.'

The timing just does not work for them to be anything else.

So it doesn't work for me at all, to cite those issues as things retconned by the brainwashing reveal, when HOW Dick acted on Tamaran, plus his fight with Donna, were very clearly written as DELIBERATE moments where he was behaving in a way that can literally be described as out of character, because they were meant to post-reveal, be viewed as examples of how he wasn't himself, how his mental and emotional state themselves were being impacted by external influences. (Not just in terms of external events but like, external mental conditioning).

And I just don't think it works to use moments that are written WITHIN a narrative to be DELIBERATELY out of character.....as examples of his characterization or proof of the necessity of a retcon for his character, lol. That makes no sense to me.

And lastly, I also have to point to the fact that like......good old Marv is not actually the most aware guy out there? And I question the idea that just because people TODAY may look at various things Dick said or did in stories leading up to the reveal and think oh yeah, of course they'd want to course correct that.....I don't exactly think that means that back in the 80s, Wolfman viewed those same things as even NEEDING a retcon to correct. Especially when you consider things the other characters around Dick were doing, without any kind of retcon for their worst behavior? Why would it be only Dick that he saw a need to retcon his behavior or actions, especially when Dick's worst ones literally ONLY happen in the actual narrative buildup to the brainwashing reveal, mere months before the issue revealing it hit the stands?

*Shrugs* Anyway, YMMV, but to me its always clearly read as all of that was just a story where writing Dick acting increasingly out of character in ways that isolated him from his closest friends and allies so there was no one around TO stop him from walking himself right back into the Church's grasp....like, that was pretty clearly the POINT of that entire narrative, and the literal reason those fights he had even happened.

Writing it off as a retcon just to me seems an unnecessary tangle that doesn't serve any real purpose and complicates things needlessly. All it accomplishes is more of the usual 'oh Dick's not so great, look at THIS stuff he did, and how DC did this and this to make all that go away.'

Like.....DC doesn't even see a need to retcon away BRUCE'S worst behavior - then as much as now - and if they don't do it for BATMAN why are people so sure they're invested in doing it for Dick Grayson?

Sometimes a story reveal is just a story reveal, if you ask me. Which you did. So yeah. That's my answer. Nah, it wasn't actually a retcon, it was a planned plot twist.

Edit: Actually one last thing to point out -

Wolfman wrote brainwashing and possession storylines all the time. ALL THE TIME. Like, he LOVES that shit. 99% of those other ones don’t seem to have ‘need to retcon this character’s behavior’ as a reason for them being written, so why does this particular storyline need a reason for existing beyond ‘Wolfman wanted to write a brainwashing story. Again.’

[simibraun]

Attack on Titan, chapter 137 analysis.

Chapter 137 has put everyone to thoughts by giving the answer which is so obvious and simple, an answer that is right before our eyes every single day, regarding the meaning of life and its beautiful simplicity. This chapter has some beautiful parts and I feel that Isayama completes my complex thoughts as a human being. After all, this is why I am so passionate about the story of Attack on Titan, because in one way or another, in the last 11 years reading his story, Isayama described to me, teached me, gave me answers and helped me in his way, to understand my journey in life. I have a lot say and I could write endless things regarding this matter, but I expressed many things in the following texts, regarding the conversation between Zeke and Armin, which is the most interesting part of this chapter. The following texts are a mixture of chapter analysis and personal expression. Let's begin with the quote Zeke said: “Maybe the end of your days are being manipulated.. all in the name of multiplication. Without ever knowing if it means anything at all.” The meaning of life sure is a complicated matter, but as far as we can understand life, a human is able to give and leave behind more things to this world, than just multiplication. A man is born to feel the completeness of his/her journey in life. But nowadays we are mostly lost in the heaviness of a dark life that we created by our own actions or created by others. We forgot the beautiful, meaningful and simple things that exist in our world and we lost our connection to them. Isayama made a story that most of it contains life struggles, we felt many times sadness and heartbroken while reading a chapter. The things that happen in his story and the experiences of his characters, are reflections of our reality and in each reflection, there is a part of us or a part of someone we know. Those reflections evoke to us the emotions from something that happened in our life, and we keep it in our memories. We too struggle in our reality, nowadays we are so busy dealing with problems and we mostly forget to observe and enjoy the beauty of the simplicity that surrounds us, because we are lost in worries and we are blinded by fake sights. I bet you can feel it too, you can see it too, how our daily life is filled mostly with problems, antagonism, people with fake personalities who cannot  even understand their own selves, showing something that they are not. And the result? Spreading misconception which can lead to hatred, setting high standards, do bad actions only to offend other people and see their downfall. That is something that happens too in the story of Attack on Titan, we see reflections of our reality. A human is not born to be lost in the worries and heaviness of a cruel world, which is something that has been created by his own actions. A human is born to connect to life, create, daydream, philosophize and feel its completeness in his/her journey. When Armin held that leaf and then the baseball, he said while showing it to Zeke: “To my eyes, even if there's no need for something like this in order to multiply, it's still something incredibly precious.” And Zeke said: “It doesn't mean a thing but.. you are right.” Reading this part, I can only think of how it is also in our reality, how some people became pragmatists-realists to the point as if they are paralyzed in their own thoughts and cannot allow themselves see and feel the simple beauties in life, feel fondness towards something. Some people cannot understand someone's fondness-affection towards some things. They believe that some things we love, are meaningless, because they don't have a specific purpose in life, rather than just being lifeless objects. You can see it every day around you, each one of us has different interests, different passions, some people may even ask you about the things you love and cannot understand why you love them so much. Regarding the things I love, these are some of the questions I've been asked and not only from people I don't know that much but from people who are very close to me: “Why do you buy all this merch?” ”Why would you spend so much money for these stuff?” “Why are you so obsessed with this anime-character?” “Why do people give you their money, to draw them a fictional character?” “It's funny how you people get so obsessed with these things, why do they even pay you to draw something that is not based in real life people or events? Let me bring you back to reality, they don't exist, there's no meaning to it.” To each one of these questions, the answer is: “Because in every part of these things, are memories and memories evoke emotions." and it's also the opposite, there are emotions that evoke memories. There are some things that people fail to understand, even if they think they do and still they believe that the things we love are meaningless, in reality they are not. A memory is evoked by emotions that are connected to something that happened in our life. Be it a story, a fictional character, an object, an image, these things can connect us to those memories, those emotions that we once felt and to life in general. This is why we love owning some things and are passionate about them, because we see a part of ourselves, they make us feel comfortable, they remind us beautiful memories and emotions, simply they give us life. Nothing is meaningless, no matter if some people cannot understand some things, the emotions that are being evoked through the things we love, will always be personal, not everyone is able to understand them completely and we don't always have to explain to them, simply because they are personal, only we are able understand them deeply. Those who have been following me throughout the years, you may remember some of my comments or talking on livestreams regarding this story, that the reasons for being so passionate with AoT and feeling so attached to it, are reasons so deep and personal. Armin describes his memories, about enjoying the simplicity in life and when describing those moments, he feels peaceful. We often recall memories that evoke a nostalgic feeling about the good old days and somehow, even for a moment, we feel as if we are there living that moment again and we feel peaceful and complete. Those are the moments that connect us in life. As Armin describes some of his beautiful memories and thoughts to Zeke, I want also to describe to you some of mine. Memories that I keep remembering and still cling to them. Some of the memories I keep remembering, are the days I've spent in nature when I was younger, my first house was right in front of the sea, so daily I used to play around the shore and on the other side of the sea, was visible mount Olympus. What a beautiful sight it was. There was a small harbor close to my house and I remember we dived there with the other kids from the village to take out the starfish that were laying on the harbor, we brought them out to the shore and we observed how they were moving their legs and slowly went back to the sea. As Zeke misses and feels about Ksaver, that's how I feel about my grandfather, I remember how I walked with him and his two dogs in a beautiful forest that was close to his house, and specifically I remember the image of a path we walked deep inside the forest. The image of sunlight falling among the branches still frames my thoughts so clearly. I really miss him and those moments, I even saw these memories in my dreams. It felt like I was living it again. Another memory of a village I used to visit, which is among mountains, we used to climb on the mountain's slopes with some kids and we had a specific spot of a rock that was very slippery. We called it “the slide” it was our playground. As Armin remembers that sweet warm breeze, I can also remember that chilly breeze of those moments in the mountain and the sight of its wild nature. I sure cannot forget these memories. Every time I think of them, I feel peaceful, moments so simple yet they make me feel complete, because I was completely connected with life. I remember someone asked me a question on one of my IG livestreams: “What is inspiring you? How do you convey your inspiration into art?” and here also, with this chapter Isayama completes my answer to this question: I said that, anywhere I go, be it for a walk, travel somewhere, even when I just have to go to work, from the moment I step out, I observe everything around me. I don't like to look down as I walk, if I do, it will be only because I am lost to some thoughts that take me to another place. I always observe the things around me, observe the sky and its colors, the clouds and the sunlight, the birds flying, I observe the flowers how they dance in the breeze, I will catch a glimpse of the gaze from the person walking past next to me, sometimes I see beautiful sad gazes, sometimes bright ones, sometimes a smile, it's as if I live in my own world and I see everything in a cinematic view. I love observing, and I love to see things beyond of what I observe, I love trying to understand the deeper part of what I see. And all these emotions along with personal experiences, make me create worlds in my mind that I convey into art. I guess this is why I am so passionate about this story, because it completes my complex thoughts. When Zeke says “So I suppose, I'll thank you. Dad..” to Grisha, it's like what we are used to say regarding some of the hardships that we've been through. That no matter how rough some of our experiences have been, in the end, these experiences made us who we are now and made us stronger. We saw and understood a different part and meaning in life. If Zeke wouldn't have been through those hardships from Grisha, he wouldn't have met and have those precious moments with Ksaver. Although, sometimes we wish that it would be preferable not to have been through these hard times, but still, isn't it somehow a magical thing that we are able to feel such deep emotions that were evoked through hardships? A human is made and is capable to withstand all the hardships of the world. This is also a part of life, to be able to understand its different perspectives, both good and bad ones. These moments and memories give me joy, and I want to continue to create more beautiful memories, even if there will be sad ones too and even if I've been through really tough hardships so far, I still want to feel its completeness. Which beautiful memories and experiences, are the ones that you keep remembering, have the nostalgia to go back to and live them again? The ones you think about, are the ones that prove that you were truly connected to life. Thank you for reading my thoughts.

[dailydnp]

Daniel Howell: "Mental health isn't a mystery"

YouTuber Daniel Howell has written a book aimed at demystifying mental health and offering a toolkit for people who are struggling. He tells us why You Will Get Through This Night.

Dan Howell has a message for the struggling.

Don't suffer in silence. Reach out. Connect.

"It can be hard to ask for help, but you just need to think how you'd feel if a friend did the same," says Howell. "It wouldn't be a burden, you'd feel better that you can help them and it might bring you closer."

The YouTuber has written a book that aims to demystify mental health, a straight-talking missive that offers practical solutions and even a few jokes. He describes You Will Get Through This Night as a "lean, mean, mental health machine" – check out our interview below.

Tell us about your new book – You Will Get Through This Night…

This is the book that I wish I could have read when I needed it. Too many of us go through life not really thinking about our mental health, how we think and how it makes us feel, and if we just learn a few tips (that we should all be taught) it can literally change our lives! Why waste any more time? The book is a lean, mean, mental health machine - there's no fluff or waffle, it gets straight to the point and tells you the practical things you can try in your life right now that will make a difference.

I'm here as the guy that makes it relatable, so you don't feel bad if you see yourself in these struggles, and funny. Because sometimes after a long day the last thing I want to do is 'homework' or read something boring, so if I can make a few inappropriate jokes about my mess of a life to make it enjoyable, I'm happy to.

Are there any books you used as inspiration when writing yours?

I actually really tried to avoid getting influenced by other books out there! A lot of mental health books are either: celeb memoirs that are amazing for relating to and shattering the stigma, but not great advice for you, or serious psychological self help that goes really deep on specific topics and the theory, but are a struggle to get through to the important revelations.

If you only ever buy one book to understand your mind and sort your life out – I want this to be the one. It's like the highlights of the entire library, crammed into 300 pages – designed for you not to just read once, but come back to and refer to as a toolkit for whenever you need it.

Was there a specific incident in your life that spurred you to write it?

Definitely. When I opened up about my struggles with depression, it was incredibly hard – and terrifying. I seriously thought I'd damage my career, people would judge me and think I'm 'crazy' and I'd have to wade through misunderstanding. It was the opposite. People empathised, understood and related.

Some people saw themselves in my story and realised for the first time that their life wasn't supposed to be that way, others finally understood a silent struggle that someone in their life was going through too. It showed me not just the importance of sharing your story to break the stigma that still exists around mental health, but how much incredibly important stuff there is for all of us to know about our minds!

My experience in life has given me a following of passionate people that show me every day the power we all have by telling our stories, the responsibility that comes with a platform, and the good you can do with it. I knew I had to write the book that could have saved me years of struggling – so hopefully someone out there doesn't go through the same.

Great trailer for the book! And really astute point: everyone in the world is alone with their thoughts before they fall asleep. How do you manage your thoughts in that time?

Thank you! I really wanted to show firstly, that mental health is universal. A lot of us only think 'mental health' applies to people with serious anxiety or depression, when it's actually how all of us think and feel all the time – if you are too stressed, have difficulty dealing with anger, or worry too much up in your head and it's holding you back in any way from enjoying life, that's your mental health! You can do something about it.

I'm someone that has real trouble getting to sleep if I'm worrying about stuff and the book deals with this in so many ways: from learning mindfulness to get perspective on your thoughts, to being present and using your senses and body to change how your brain operates, to the practical side of sorting out your problems so they don't go bump in the night.

Deep question – but why do you think night often brings out our darker thoughts and emotions? (No pun intended.)

'The Night' is such an important metaphor, not just for the dark times, but that literally we spend all our days pushing our fears to the back of our minds (to be distracted by the activities of the day), but when night comes and it's just you and your thoughts – they suddenly appear and you have to confront the truth.

We're all great at lying to ourselves about what bothers us and how we really feel, whether that's a day to day problem on your mind or a huge skeleton in the closet (for me literally my own skeleton) that is having a huge effect on your life.

The good news is – you can 'be your own light'. Mental health isn't a mystery or something set in stone, it's something you can influence and shape to make yourself healthier and happier.

As a YouTuber, how would you describe the relationship between your mental health and social media? Presumably it must be complicated…

I am definitely trapped in a digital nightmare that I created, haha! Social media has its good sides, from finding communities and support, to having fun and even learning about things that you might not get from a classroom or in your real world environment.

The downside is that the internet brings out the worst in people, from trolls hiding behind screens, to social media beaming us with addictive algorithms that force us to compare ourselves to the highlight reels of our friends' lives and the world's most perfect and successful celebrities.

Even just the information overload of our social lives and the 24 hour news cycle is too much for our primitive brains to handle, no wonder it's so bloody stressful!

How would you recommend people use social media for the benefit of their mental health? And negate its potentially harmful effects?

I do a whole deep dive on social media and how to manage it. From 'muting' that annoying friend, to curating the content on your timeline to take it from stressful and upsetting, to inspirational and mood boosting! It's important to get perspective on why people act differently on the internet and how to interpret the sometimes extreme actions we see (that someone would never do in real life).

We have this incredible power in our hands, connecting us to the whole world all the time, we just need to know how to make it work for us.

Is there a piece of advice or mantra that you’ve found helpful? Either someone else’s or one of your own?

I'll spoil it now: the number one tip for managing your mental health and general emotional wellbeing is support from others. I say this as the biggest introvert in the world that needs a two week holiday alone in a cave after going to a party for five minutes – but sharing what you're thinking and feeling with another person can be a lifesaver.

Even if they don't have magical advice, just feeling seen, heard, acknowledged and getting what's going on up in your head out into the world and onto the table can give you perspective and feel less alone. It can be hard to ask for help, but you just need to think how you'd feel if a friend did the same – it wouldn't be a burden, you'd feel better that you can help them and it might bring you closer!

Don't suffer in silence. You've got this. You will get through this night.

[officerjennie]

Hello can I please request hugging for a very long time as a platonic bonding prompt with any pair of witcher characters you fancy (characters from the witcher that is)

Hey so I’m feeling rather self-indulgent so I turned this into a trans!Eskel piece, with him coming out to his family and receiving nothing but love and support in return. Extended platonic hug bonding coming from Lambert.

CW: Trans!Eskel coming out to his family, brief descriptions of gender dysphoria over certain pronouns and other nouns (woman, female wolf, etc.), fears of not being accepted (but he ends up accepted anyway), Lambden mentioned (with potential relationship troubles). WC 3k+

--

Eskel had never been so nervous to see his youngest brother.

All things considered, everything had gone well so far. It had taken over a year to tell both Geralt and Vesemir - he hadn’t had the courage to tell the lot of them at the same time, the last winter coming and going without a whisper of who he really was, until he stayed behind and lingered in the keep even up until Lambert had taken his arse elsewhere.

In a lot of ways, Eskel had assumed Vesemir’s reaction would be the worst, simply because the wolf was old and Eskel had no way of knowing what the world had been like when he had been a pup. But his expression had been soft, his eyes alight with humor, and the only thing he’d said on the matter was “No female wolf after all, huh.”

Eskel had rolled his eyes, shoulders sagging with relief, leaving it at that. The lack of disappointment or flair had done well for him, and that had been one down.

Telling Geralt had...well, he hadn’t had time to really plan out when to tell him. One day he’d been on the path on his own, riding by a field of rather tempting goats and kids that just begged for their little heads to be scritched - and the next he found himself saddled up next to his brother, having ran into him near the coast and decided to hunt a rather nasty little group of cockatrices together.

It had slipped out by accident, a correction at the wrong noun used to describe him. Eskel had flushed and looked away quickly, knowing the question would come and not sure if he was ready to answer it. But he did, and though the silence was deafening the arms that soon wrapped around him showed him nothing but support and comfort.

Those two had been easy, even if his nerves had been fried. As he should have come to expect by now his family had shown him nothing but support, letting it be well known that it didn’t matter what name he went by or who he was - because he was theirs, their family, and now their brother.

Lambert, though...

The day had slipped past him, his hands shaking every time he thought of seeking him out. It had been an early homecoming for the both of them, and this winter Lambert had come back alone, leaving his ‘kitty cat’ somewhere out in a fishing village for some reason he vagued out instead of explaining. A spat, no doubt; it happened every few years for them, but there was no question in his mind that they’d be fine. Two hot tempers in the same room sometimes just exploded despite their best efforts, and a bit of space and time between them would sweeten their reunion.

But it meant that Eskel was left in the keep with Vesemir, who knew, and Lambert, who didn’t. And he saw the questioning look Vesemir had sent him when Lambert obviously didn’t know, making the usual jokes that made Eskel’s stomach clench, calling him the name that made him question everything that he was and at times almost sending him mentally downwards.

It wasn’t his fault. Lambert didn’t know. But it made Eskel both want to avoid him and also go punch something, and neither of those would be good for him in the long run.

So, here he was. For the nth time already this winter, though the snow had yet to even reach their ankles outside. Standing outside of Lambert’s room, listening as the telltale sound of a sharpening stone ran across the blade of a sword on the other side, as Lambert hummed to himself like he loved to pretend he never did - and while Eskel tried desperately to get his hands to stop shaking and his heart to quit beating so quick.

He had to tell him. Needed him to know. Lambert was in a lot of ways the most loyal of the lot of them. Sure his temper got him in trouble, and yes he loved to be a little shit and make sure they all knew he was one, but there wasn’t another person better to have your back in any situation. It didn’t matter if you were in the right or wrong to Lambert if you were his family because he would fight teeth and nails for you either way.

But his temper. His bloody temper, and his trust issues. A breeze sent the curtains in the hall sussing against each other as Eskel raked a desperate hand through his own hair, thinking once again about putting this off and waiting another day, or week, or fuck, until next winter.

They all had their flaws. For many reasons, Lambert has issues with trusting others and had an inferiority complex that kicked up at the worst of times. Really, Eskel had no doubt that Lambert would accept him in the end, that he’d see him for the brother he’d always been and perhaps even manage to not make jokes about it (he never meant to be cruel but Lambert sometimes didn’t know where the line for cruelty was, and his head was thick). 

What worried him was his initial reaction. How Lambert would feel knowing he was the last to learn, even though it had not really been intentional. How he might feel to have been kept out of the know for years even if he wasn’t the only who hadn’t known - and Eskel wasn’t sure how to even explain that he himself hadn’t known for decades, only knowing that certain words made his skin crawl, that being called a woman had always made him blank and feel...outside of himself. For so long he’d not had the words to describe it and for a long time after he’d been afraid to, even to himself, even within his own mind, and his throat had constricted around the confession every time he’d thought to bring it up.

The breeze was too cold, biting at his cheeks and nose. But it helped him breathe, that fresh air, helped ground him with the feel of ice cold in his lungs. He...wasn’t sure how to do this. After doing it twice already, he still wasn’t sure, wasn’t certain. Doubts still tried to eat at his mind and heart but he knew he deserved this - he deserved to be who he was around his family, around his brothers, and there was nothing wrong with wanting to share that with them.

It was terrifying nonetheless, and he’d faced down monsters over twice his size before. Alone.

Finally, he gathered up his courage and knocked on the damn door, rapping his knuckles twice out of habit. The humming stopped instantly but the rasp of rock against steel didn’t pause, Lambert’s grouchy tone snarking out “It’s about time, thought you stand out there all damn day.”

Despite how nervous he was, Eskel rolled his eyes, taking that as the invitation it was and entering his room. He shut the door up tight behind him to keep the chill out, the warmth from the fireplace slowly spreading over his chilled cheeks, pleasant enough an atmosphere for one of the most terrifying conversations he’d ever have to have.

“Finally gonna spit it out?”

Lambert was sitting on the edge of his bed, sharpening tools and a cleaning kit spread out haphazardly across the mussed up blanket around him. His armor was tossed on the floor about him, parts polished and parts still scuffed and dirty from the road, a few of his knives and his silver sword still in their sheathes at his feet, too.

It was a little irksome, how randomly he’d decided to go about his polishing and cleaning, but Eskel really couldn’t micromanage the cleaning and upkeep of his weapons. At least he was doing it; that’s all that mattered.

“Need any help with that?” Didn’t mean he couldn’t offer. 

Lambert didn’t bite, though, a scowl showing just how unimpressed he was with Eskel’s deflection - even if it was a genuine offer. “Getting tired of you lurking out there every other day, so out with it. What do you want?” His eyes turned sharp for a second, stone pausing in its glide across the blade. “And this had better not have anything to do with the fucking cat, it’s fine, I’m fine, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Not about the fucking cat.” Eskel held up his hands in a placating manner, watching the tension instantly melt from Lambert when he did. Getting him to talk about his own issues was worse than pulling vampire teeth and he was really not in the mood for that. Not in the slightest. “I’ve got...well, my own shit to talk about.”

That caught Lambert’s interest, his face flashing in a complicated mess of emotion before it settled on something guarded. But Eskel knew him well enough to catch the hint of disbelief in his voice as he said, “Surprised you’re not waiting for Geralt then.”

Eskel shifted his weight to his right leg, actively making sure he didn’t look away. “No, this is something I’d like to discuss with you.”

“The fuck d’you think I did?”

“Not-” He was going to make a right mess of his hair at this rate, running his hands through it so much. “Not about you, Lambert, with you. Tell you something. Just...talking. If that’s alright.”

Lambert gestured towards a spare seat near Eskel with his sword, casual, as if both of them weren’t nervous now. It wasn’t like they never talked - they talked plenty, but serious conversations happened rarely if ever unless something was wrong. The last time they talked anything like this had been when Kaer Morhen had been ransacked, which had been so many years ago Eskel struggled to remember the exact amount.

He took the offered chair, slouching in it with his arms crossed and making himself as cozy as he could be. The heat from the fireplace was a bit too much for him now that the bite of winter was entirely gone; he’d always been the wolf that preferred the cold the most, or at least the one that could handle heat the least. It was one of the reasons he’d stayed here for so long to help Vesemir make the most out of the rubble and ashes, grumbling as much as the next over the snow but at least able to function in it.

The sound had returned. Scraping of stone against steel, a steady rhythm, one that helped steady Eskel’s heartbeat. It was mesmerizing in that way anything familiar and repetitive was, something that helped ground him when his mind wanted to panic with all of the ‘what ifs’ it could imagine. He was grateful for the otherwise quiet Lambert’s patience allowed them, though he knew it wouldn’t last, closing his eyes and breathing while he calmed his thoughts.

It wouldn’t be that hard. Couldn’t take that long. All he had to do was say it and it would be over with. Questions might come, hurt feelings might follow, but it would be done and they could move on. And better to do it before Lambert’s thin patience ran out on him.

“Lambert.” His mouth was a bit dry, words not coming easy to him. Eyes open now as he watched his brother’s hand glide across the flat of the blade resting in his lap, concentration written in the furrow of his brow but the twitch of his mouth told him Lambert was listening.

All he had to do was say it. That’s all. The rest would come after.

Stone against steel, grounding him. He breathed in as it ran down the blade, out as it reached the end and lifted once more. 

“I’m not a woman, Lamb.”

His eyes flicked down to the armor and weapons that lay at his brothers feet, heart picking up as it no longer had a rhythm to try and match. The fire crackled to his left, popping and hissing, one of the pieces of wood getting ready to fall in on itself any minute.

“What are you, then?”

“A man.” He licked his lips, eyes blinking faster than normal, his heart not letting him look up to see what might be on his brother’s face. What emotions might be flashing there, what response he might have, delaying it as long as possible.

“Kitty cat had a sister, you know?” Eskel’s stomach clenched at the word, his arms squeezing tighter around himself. “Not by blood, but by school, or however you’d call it - he called her sister, s’my point. I met her once when the bastard dragged me all the way down south to the coast, worst fucking decision of my life. The journey, not meeting her.”

Lambert’s deep breath is what made Eskel finally look up, seeing his brother’s face flushed, his jaw clenching in that way it always did when he was forced to deal with sticky things like delicate conversations or emotions.

“Maybe it’s not my fucking place to say it, but he told me and she knows I know it. Doubt you’ll ever meet her anyway, but she’s- ya know, not- she wasn’t always a woman? Or, she was, but didn’t live like one, dressed and talked and walked like a man.”

Oh. Eskel swallowed, sitting up a little more in his seat, some of the tension easing from his shoulders.

“So, fuck, I get it. I mean, I don’t, I don’t get it, but I understand what you’re saying.” He huffed in frustration but Eskel knew him well enough to know what at; words had never been his strong suit. “Feel free to fucking deck me if I slip up. She certainly had no problem with that.”

“Knocked some sense into you?”

That earned him a grin, Lambert finally meeting his eyes again. “Bitch knew how to fight, too. Thought I might have been in love.”

“Surprised you didn’t stay then.”

“Turned out she’s gay, so.” Lambert shrugged, giving his sword a once over before reaching for the sheath that had been laying on the bed next to him. “Guess I’d be barking up the wrong tree on that one.”

“Have to stick with your own cat then.”

The humor flickered away for a moment, Lambert scowling as he placed his now sheathed sword down next to his armor. “Yeah, well. Yeah... Might have...fucked up a little bit on that one.” Before Eskel could say anything, Lambert’s head jerked to the side, his hand coming up to scratch at the back of his neck. “Can we just- can we not talk about that? I’d rather stick to the ‘supportive, loving, dashing, best brother’ thing.”

“Right, yeah. That’s fine.”

There was a pause between them, a tinge of awkwardness in the air as they both fidgeted, not entirely sure where to go from there. The fire fizzled and popped, sending some embers out that landed on the stone floor, thankfully no where close to anything that could catch fire. It was all that spoke in the room besides the sounds of their heartbeats and breathing.

Lambert was the one who broke first, something making his leg bounce where his arm rested on it. “You didn’t think, ya know, that I wouldn’t- that I’d, I don’t fucking know, not? Support you, I mean.”

“I...” Eskel swallowed hard, thinking. “I didn’t think you wouldn’t, Lamb, but I wasn’t sure how the conversation would go. Didn’t know if you’d think I had been hiding it or not telling you on purpose.”

“Fuck, like I’d have any room to talk.” He scowled as he bit one corner of his thumb, chewing at a hangnail for a second. “When have I ever talked to any of you about feelings or whatever.”

It was true, but Eskel knew better than to take it at face value. Lambert was sensitive in a way he loved to hide and pretend he wasn’t, but they all knew him better than that. 

But there was no reason to think on all the ways the conversation could have gone poorly. It hadn’t, the air was clear between them, everything (or most everything) out in the open. But the hurt hadn’t left Lambert’s face since Aiden had been mentioned, by name or not, and that had Eskel’s chest hurting again.

What had his foolish Lamb done this time, he wondered. 

There was no way Lambert would accept any sort of comfort, but as Eskel shifted in his seat some more, not quite yet feeling the relief he’d hoped he would after their conversation was over, he had an idea as to how they might get some together.

“Feel free to say no,” he started slow, staring down at his own fingers and picking the dirt out from underneath them. “But I, well. This has been a lot for me. Talking about this. You might if we maybe...hug? For a while?”

It was probably pushing it, to take on ‘for a while’, but Eskel honestly found himself hoping Lambert said yes even for himself. 

The scoff was a bit expected, but the lack of a verbal ‘no’ was good. He looked up to find Lambert on the edge of an answer, confliction written all over his face, his hands clasped together and that one leg bouncing away as he started at nothing.

“Fine,” was the only answer he got, and Eskel took it quickly. And maybe it was pushing it a bit further when he wrapped Lambert up into his chest instead of the other way around but Lambert didn’t try to get away, tucking up under his chin and eventually relaxing into his brother’s arms the way he hadn’t since they were little and the nightmares had been too much.

He wasn’t sure how long Lambert would allow him this, would allow them both the comfort of each other, but he relaxed into it and decided to savor the physical touch as a reminder of their familial love for each other. However long Lambert would let him, he’d stay just like this, with the fire crackling on and the two brother’s embracing each other, the smell of home around them.

[flamingo-writes]

Yours/His— Wakatoshi x Reader

Summary: Despite being completely different people, you found comfort in each other’s company. And after a couple of years of friendship, it seemed only natural that the two of you fell in love with each other. Even though you weren't the “type” of girl Ushijima Wakatoshi liked. However, you were the first girl to ever make him feel like that. 

Posted: 08.14.2020

A/N: I intended this to be a short fluffy drabble...inspired by the song Shooting Star. But then, as I began writing, it all gt out of hand and I ended up writing 8K words...What’s more impressive is that I managed to write them in two days, so, that’s a new record for me. Happy late birthday to Wakatoshi, I guess. 

Word Count: 8.6 K

Warnings:  Smut, smutty smut. And curse words. 

If there was a word to describe you, it was: wild. It was incredibly amazing how someone as wild as you managed to be in a relationship with Ushijima Wakatoshi. To his friends seemed only obvious, while the rest of the school thought it was ironic. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi was known for being not very bright, and yet, the ace player in the volleyball team. He was stronger than most, he was disciplined enough to never skip practice, even disciplined enough to always hand in homework even though he wasn't the brightest student. He had a weird fascination with following the rules. And had his mind set on his goal. 

Along the way, he has had a few crushes here and there, but those girls never seemed to stick around for long. These girls followed the imposed image of the 'perfect wife' according to his mother. Gentle, polite, pretty, dedicated to their studies, and supportive. However, that last trait was always put to test, since Ushijima's obsession with Volleyball was usually what made his relationships end. He never truly loved a girl enough to stick with her for long.

At least, not before you. The two of you met thanks to Satori. And it didn't come as a surprise that you and Satori were best friends. You were both equally chaotic and clever. 

And boy, you were clever. Whereas you weren't precisely the gentlest, nor the politests, you sure were dedicated to your studies, and incredibly supportive.

Sure, you constantly came off as rude for addressing people by their first name right after meeting them, and you usually spoke your mind through sarcastic remarks, sometimes hurting people in the process. But god, Ushijima's friends admired your patience since you were always willing to help him with his homework and helped him study, since Ushijima seemed to struggle with complicated classes like vocab and calculus. 

You managed to effortlessly come up with ways to help him learn kanji, and with such easy explanations for calculus. Not only your patience, but your passion when it came to teaching, it didn't surprise anyone when you told them you wanted to be a teacher.

"You're very good at it" Walatoshi said once. 

Your constant presence around Wakatoshi, as well as him constantly relying on you for several things not only made your friendship grow slowly, but a sort of endearment took over you whenever it came to Wakatoshi. Whereas you were sarcastic and sometimes mean to others, you had a terribly obvious soft spot for him. Something even Wakatoshi could tell. 

This different treatment made him feel good, if he said so himself. He liked to be the only one who was immune to your wild mood swings and sometimes hurtful sarcasm. Even between your friends, your jokes sometimes got out of hand, but by this point your friends knew it was in your nature. 

The stoic, serious, and intimidating Ushijima Wakatoshi was the only one safe from the equally intimidating, laidback, explosive you. And soon, this gentle treatment not only got into his head, it slowly made its way to his heart. And after a year and a half of highschool, he admitted his feelings for you, not only to himself, but to Tendou. 

"Oh, shit, I knew this was gonna happen!" Satori laughed. "Oh boy, Semi is gonna be so pissed when he finds out!" Pulling his phone at once, texting Semi at the speed of light.

"Why is that?" Wakatoshi said, hearing the soft clicks Tendo's phone made as he texted. 

"I made a bet with him. He betted [Name]-chan was gonna fall in love first, I said it was going to be you. And for a moment, I thought he was gonna win" Tendo giggled mischievously, proud as if it had been his doing instead of fate.

"Semi betted that she was gonna develop feelings for me first?" Wakatoshi wasn't used to the feeling of his cheeks burning gently, and certainly, he wasn't aware of the fact that he was blushing, very much to Satori's amusement.

"Yes! And actually, she's not far from falling down that hill, so, now that I won my bet, I can help you steal her heart, tiger" Satori winked and hit Wakatoshi gently on the ribs with his skinny elbow.

"You think I need your help?" Wakatoshi asked, completely clueless.

"Well, normally, I'd say yes. But I'm pretty sure if you keep being yourself, she'll eventually be heads over hills for you"  Wakatoshi frowned at this, confused by what Satori meant.

"Why would she be heads over hills?" 

"Oh boy, this is why she finds you cute. It's figure speech, dude. It means she'll be madly in love with you" 

"So, I should just keep being me?" His eyebrows relaxed at this and sighed deeply, relieved.

"Yeah, if you wanna speed that process, ask her out or whatever…I hope Semi sees his phone soon" Satori chuckled sheepishly.

Ushijima never realized how easy it was to be your friend. You were always there whenever he needed a hand, whether if it was for school or if he was dealing with personal issues. To the point of learning basic volleyball skills and knowledge to help him train on the weekends. 

And just as you were always there for him, he always was for you. The thing about being as free spirited as you were, meant you'd have a lot of people chasing after your igniting freedom. And Wakatoshi was the perfect guy to scare off the guys who didn't have good intentions or those who wouldn't take no for an answer. Just like keeping you sane from the school work and pressure of keeping straight A's to keep your scholarship by distracting you, taking you out to play volleyball with him, sometimes he dragged you along his jogs around the streets, sometimes just to hang out in his dorm.

But then the fear washed over him like very few things in life. The fearless Shiratorizawa Monster, afraid of asking his best friend out on a date and possibly crossing the line. What if he ended up breaking your heart in the process? Or if he scared you away? What if things went perfectly fine, but given your nature, his mother and you didn't get along? 

He hated to admit it, but he was terribly attached to his family. And the idea of defying or starting any kind of family drama unsettled him. 

The idea of losing you terrified him even worse, though. And clung to the idea of staying your friend for years and years to come. Everything would be easier if you just stayed friends. Right?

He was afraid of flying too close to the sun. 

At least until he did, and found out his wings weren't made out of wax. Or maybe, he wasn't even flying close to the sun, instead he was chasing after a shooting star. 

His feelings for you got out of hand one night. One blissful night, in which he learned so much about himself as a man. And about you. By the end of the night, he knew that you were the perfect match for him, regardless of what everyone expected of him. By the end of the night, he was yours. and you were his.

The last party before graduating. Before he left Shiratorizawa and joined a professional volleyball team. And before you went to university and majored in history. 

The traditional Third Year Graduation Party took place not so far away from your place, and as expected, this party turned wilder than the one from the previous year, as the tradition dictated. 

Very much against his will, Wakatoshi was dragged to the party by Satori.  And for the first hour he was beyond uncomfortable trying to avoid the drunken people and their fuckery.

"Toshi, you keep disappearing!" You sang upon finding your friend for a fifth time within the same hour.

"I'm sorry, it's not on purpose" He said leaning closer to you so you could hear him among the chaos taking place in such a small house "This much noise and close space makes me uncomfortable" He said.

"C'mon, lets go outside" You said,  grabbing his arm and guiding him through the crowd "I could use some fresh air myself" You walked out the door,  towards the front yard and into the sidewalk away from the people gathered in the garden.

Wakatoshi noticed how your steps were slightly clumsier and your cheeks seemed to be rosier than usual. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, still not sure what was it about you that was different, but definitely noticing something was off. 

"I'm tipsy, and I'm having a good time" You said clinging to his arm as you sat down on the edge of the sidewalk and stared at the sky. "But if I keep drinking, I'll go from tipsy and fun to wasted and cringy, and we do not want that" 

"Oh" Wakatoshi murmured sitting next to you, his shoulder brushing yours.

"It was the vodka. I've drunk sake before, and normally don't get drunk this fast. But a single glass of vodka with juice and I'm already like this" You giggled pointing at your face.

"You want me to take you home?" He asked.

"Nah, I just got here" You sighed looking at your friend. "Unless, you want to get away from here" You said looking into your friend's eyes.

"How did you…"  His voice trailed off.

"Ushijima Walatoshi, I know you, and I can tell you would like to be somewhere else but here. C'mon, let's go home" 

"Didn't you want to stay?"

"I got what I wanted, I got tipsy with cheap foreign alcohol, and I wanted to have fun. I had both, and now, I'd like to have fun with you, Toshi-kun. And if you need to go somewhere else to have fun, then I'll gladly go wherever you go" You smiled, noticing how Wakatoshi smiled softly upon hearing you.

"Isn't your mom home?" He was worried that you might get in trouble for arriving home drunk, however, he forgot your mother was considerably younger than the average, and was a lot more open minded than most moms Wakatoshi knew. 

"She said she was gonna go drinking with her friends from the office, and she told me that as long as I didn't come back drunker than her, then it was all fine" 

"Oh" He purred "You think she'll get drunk?" 

"Of course! Not drunk enough for it to be a problem, but drunk enough to not mind if I get drunk" You giggled.

"You want to get drunk?" 

"No, not really. I'd like to stay tipsy for a few more hours, but I can do that with the sake my mum has at home" 

"Isn't she gonna mind?

"Gosh, stop worrying and let's go! It's gonna be fine, I promise!" 

With a single hop you stood up and offered Wakatoshi your hand to help him up. He chuckled, thinking how easy it was for you to be so carefree when he would be worrying about all the circumstances. He grabbed your hand, more as a courtesy, since he didn't have a single problem standing up, but still felt the urge to feel your small hand in his. 

Once he was standing on his feet, his gut twisted and tickled upon noticing how you didn't let go of his hand. The sweet anxiety drew a wider smile on his face as he walked next to you, still holding onto your hand.  He wondered if it was because you were drunk.

The party was barely a 20 minute walk from your house, so Wakatoshi didn't even have to ask where you were going, as he noticed how you took the way uphill, towards your place. 

The wind was chilly, but not enough for it to be a problem. Besides, you were walking, legs warming up as the street inclined slowly. Still holding your hand, every so often, he'd look at you, blessing his eyes and his heart with the gentle sight of the absentminded smile on your face as you hummed. 

He remembered the many times Semi asked you to sing a song with him and record it, but you always refused since you were shy and only sang when you felt comfortable and only around those you trusted the most. 

"[Name], c'mon, your voice is gorgeous!" Semi said one time he showed you a song he'd written, and Wakatoshi had been there in the dorm when it happened. 

Soon, you kept flattering him with subtle actions. Holding his hand, quietly walking uphill in the middle of the night, and now, the soft humming slowly evolving into singing. Your soft voice singing in a low voice, a song he couldn't name, but thought it was a cute song. 

He didn't say anything until you finished singing with a loud sigh. He looked at you dreamily as you looked at your house slowly appearing on the horizon. 

"That was beautiful" 

"Thank you, Toshi" You whispered, savouring his name on your lips. 

The hill was covered in small white houses, all of them looking pretty similar. In front of the stretching wall of houses, there was a lookout, decorated with a nice iron balcony, and one feet tall concrete cubes following the edge of the sidewalk to keep cars for parking near the edge. 

You walked towards the lookout, stopping before one of the concrete cubes and stepping on one of them. 

No longer feeling tipsy, you effortlessly hopped on top, letting go of Wakatoshi's hand in the process and balancing your arms. However, Wakatoshi wasn't sure if you still felt drunk, and instinctively stretched one of his arms to your waist, helping you balance.

"Easy there," He said.

"It's okay, I got this" you said, resting one of your hands on his shoulder. 

Now standing on the concrete cube, you were taller, shortening the height difference between you and your friend. Not used to this new height, you gazed around you. 

"Is this what it feels like being so tall?" You broke the silence as Wakatoshi looked away from the view and towards you. 

"Yeah, I guess" He chuckled softly, gazing at you. 

You locked stares with his olive eyes, thinking it only made sense how many girls fell for those sweet captivating orbs. Sure, he looked stoic most of the time, still his eyes were beautiful. Even more so when he was smiling, just like he was now. 

The sort of comfortable smile that appeared when he was around his close friends, having a good time, not thinking of responsibilities. It was a unique smile you adored so much. And right now, you had that smile to yourself alone. 

"How nice" You murred as your mind focused on his hand, still on your waist. Feeling the weight and the warmth burning through your skin. "Being this tall. Specially for a guy, tall guys are a blessing, I swear, there's something so stupidly attractive about a tall guy" 

"Well, yeah. But finding shoes of my size is kinda of a problem…" You giggled at his remark. "Trousers too" 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Japan isn't precisely tall-people friendly, is it?" You remarked.

"Yeah" Wakatoshi nodded.

"Toshi" 

"Hmm?" 

"Close your eyes" He looked at you and blinked a few times, confused, curious, before asking.

"Okay. What for?" 

"Listen to the city breathe" You closed your eyes and remained silent, trying to focus on the sweet hums of the city, the traces of the sounds that brought a city alive.

"Sometimes I don't understand what you say" He said bluntly, closing his eyes.

"Me neither. And that's okay" You giggled opening your eyes.

You stared at Ushijima savouring the gentle breeze hitting his face, as he listened closely to the sounds of the city. Not noticing you were staring at him with a stare that seemed to melt into a puddle of adoration. 

You leaned closer to him, kissing the corner of his mouth so delicately, Ushijima took a while to realize what had happened. And once he did, he opened his eyes and gazed at you, noticing the blush on your cheeks as your stare seemed to scan his face bit by bit.

"[Name]..." He whispered.

"Did you know" You cut him off with a soft voice "Satori and Semi had a bet going on?" 

"Ye-yeah…" He admitted.

"Those idiots won't tell me who won. Do you happen to know who did?" You raised an eyebrow, knowing he knew, but had your suspicions that he wouldn't tell you either.

"Yes" He said coldly.

"And?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not—" 

"Of course" You interrupted him once more "I should've known that you'd be on their side" You giggled. "Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I know you like me. And I like you, too. A lot, actually. But always felt a bit scared of saying it" 

Wakatoshi stared at you, wondering where this whole honesty was coming from.  He knew alcohol had this effect in people, but right now you were moving a lot more coordinated and spoke eloquently as always.

"Are you still drunk?" 

"No, not really" You sighed "But, we're graduating next week, and, I promised myself I'd tell you before graduation" 

Something about you enchanted him so much. Your wild, untamed and spontaneous nature, sometimes rubbed off on him. Specially as time went by, he realized he was becoming less and less strict with himself, allowing himself to be spontaneous every once in a while, although, not as frequently as regular people his age were. 

But this time was different. As soon as he thought about it, he acted. He knew that the less he reasoned his thoughts, the easier it'd be to act.

He leaned closer, one of his hands reached your cheek and pulled you closer to him, as he crashed his lips with yours. His lips pressing gently against yours as a surprised hum escaped your lips before giving in to the kiss.

You kissed him back, locking lips and breathing in deeply. Wrapping your arms around his shoulders you pulled him closer, eager to feel his body next to yours. He mirrored your movements and squeezed you, snaking his arms around your waist. Very tightly. Such closeness allowed you to feel the rise and fall of his chest as you kissed over and over and over again. He felt the traces of cranberry juice in your breath, though he didn't give it much of a thought, he was far more busy savouring the kiss itself.

The both of you losing all sense of time and orientation. The both of you got lost in the moment, feeling the anxiety build up in your stomach as you remained kissing desperately, as if the world was about to end. 

The kiss that had been haunting him in his dreams finally happened, in a much better way than he ever imagined. Your hands moving across his back, as he felt your fingers brush his hair before you closed your grip on his hair, as your mouth fought for dominance. 

Your tight grip on his hair, along with your tongue teasingly brushing his lip, and your body pressed against his, it all played out like an orchestra. Building the tension, kissing you and holding you close, suddenly wasn't enough. His body urged him for more, in a feeling he knew all too well, but wasn't used to feeling. 

For someone who has had a few girlfriends here and there, none of them ever made him feel like this. For so long he thought love and intimacy weren't as big of a deal as everyone made it out to be. For so long he only thought of his girlfriends as companions, and never really felt the urge to kiss them, to touch them, to hold them close. 

This feeling was too new for him, it made him feel slightly awkward. But you seemed to fully give in and play along with his needy contact. 

You broke the kiss, panting breathless, resting your forehead against Wakatoshi's. 

"Lets go inside" you breathed. 

He nodded, as he wondered what would happen next. He wasn't stupid. He'd seen enough movies and series to know what would happen next. However, he was still so new to the whole thing. Not because he was a virgin, he wasn't. But because sex never appealed to him. The times he'd had sex with his ex girlfriends was mostly out of responsibility, not because he wanted nor felt the urges everyone said teenagers felt. 

However, now everything was different. His heart was racing fast, his mind was clouded, and he felt his blood burning his entire body, especially in awkward areas.

He obediently followed you, as you still clung to his hand. You made your way to your place. Your house was dark, though the dim streetlights filtered through the windows, making it easy to find your way across the blue and yellow halls and towards your bedroom. 

You stopped briefly in the kitchen, where you let go of Wakatoshi's hand and turned on the light. 

"Can I offer you something? Anything? Something to eat, something to drink?" You asked politely. 

"A glass of water would be nice" 

You  nodded and grabbed a couple of glasses and filled them with water silently, feeling slightly nervous at the thought of taking Wakatoshi to your bedroom. 

Not because it was the first time. In fact, he'd spent enough weekends at your place, as you helped him study for tests. Sometimes in a big group, sometimes just the two of you. He wasn't a stranger to your house, nor to your room, not even to your bed, since he'd constantly sit on your bed while studying, and even sometimes he'd fall asleep and nap. 

But this was completely different. Even kissing him felt slightly weird. Not in a bad way. In fact, you'd been fantasizing about that moment for a long while now. But, the idea of taking him to your room in this context made you anxious. Almost as if you were a virgin all over again. 

You handed him his glass and jerked your head, as if telling him to follow you through the stairs and towards your room. 

Wakatoshi definitely liked your room. He always felt at peace there. It was minimal, yet, everything about it screamed your name. It felt like a second home to him.

With barely any furniture. Just a single night stand, standing tall next to the mattress on the ground. Several piles of stacked books working as tables for random trinkets you've been collecting along the way. A small coffee table next to your bed which you used as a desk with a lot of stationary messily lying around. Despite spending the weekends in the Shiratorizawa dorms, your room smelled a lot of your perfume, and that was probably his favorite part of your room. A smell he resembled a lot to home. A smell he was so eager to get drunk of.

He followed you silently towards your room, as you walked inside, placing the glass on the coffee table. Wakatoshi replicated your movements. As you sat on the edge of the bed, you waited for Wakatoshi to do the same. And once he did, you nervously wrapped your arms around him, and brought him closer, kissing him once more. 

The same hunger as before lit up instantly, as the anxiety building up in his belly only made it all worse. He clung to you, desperately, as if he was about to lose you. 

A moan escaped your throat in the middle of the fiery kiss, prompted by his strong arms squeezing you against him. That moan made his back shiver, as he felt a rather familiar heat grow in his crotch. 

You leaned back, without breaking the kiss, and your arms still around his shoulders, you brought him along with you as you laid on the bed. Wakatoshi leaned closer, resting his weight on one of his forearms against the mattress, and using his free hand to cling to your waist.  

"[Name]" he purred in a gentle voice, breaking the kiss and looking into your eyes.

Swallowed by the darkness, your eyes shone with the reflection of the streetlight as you looked at him both devouring him with a tender stare. Inviting him to keep going. Only making his whole body get hotter and hotter. He wondered if your heart beated as fast as his, and if you were starting to feel as horny as he was. 

Horny, he thought. Just thinking about it made him feel weird. Dirty. He'd never really felt horny. And now he was not only feeling that way, but because of you. His best friend. He wasn't supposed to be feeling like this because of one of his friends, was it? He knew it was wrong. But kissing you felt so right. The dichotomy only made him feel more and more turned on. Maybe it was wrong to feel horny for one of your friends, but he'd been a good boy and followed the rules for as long as he can remember. Maybe, going bad from time to time wasn't so bad. He felt an urge to misbehave and be spontaneous. He felt an urge to take you and make you his. 

"Lay down" You said sitting up as he looked at you, puzzled.

"What?" 

"You heard me! lay down, big boy" You said playfully as Wakatoshi did as you told. 

You thought of crawling on top of him before it occurred to you to go to your mother's room and look for something in her drawers. You stood on your feet and looked at Toshi as his olive eyes seemed to shine in golden tones amongst the darkness painted with dim lights.

"Give me a minute, okay? I won't take long" you said shyly. 

"Where are you—" 

"Make yourself at home!" You said before rushing out of your room and into your mother's across the hall. 

Being a single mother, and having your only child attend a school with dorms sure gave you the liberty of bringing partners into your home without worrying that your child will break in, ruining the intimacy. And you thought it was great. How awkward must it be to arrive home and find your mother banging some dude? Besides, you knew where her condom stash was. 

You looked through her drawer and grabbed a few condoms for yourself before rushing back in the room. The anxiety building a knot in your throat as the condoms seemed to weight a lot more than they usually did. As you walked inside, you found Wakatoshi comfortably  lying on your bed, eyes closed, and breathing in deeply, getting drunk with your scent. 

The weep of the old wooden door caught his attention as he saw you walk inside, closing the door behind you. You approached the bed without saying anything. Kneeling, you put the condoms over the coffee table and took off your shirt without saying anything. 

Wakatoshi's heart skipped several beats, as he forgot to breathe upon seeing you. Your chest now exposed him, making him feel thirsty, as his eyes traveled up your belly and to your chest. Realising he'd been staring at your breast, still hidden under a bra, he looked up, meeting your stare. 

Speechless, his body paralysed briefly. And you began crawling on top of him. He felt his body begin shaking softly in anticipation, as his head felt lighter. He was nervous. He was excited, and delighted.

His hands found your waist and pulled you towards him, before trapping your lips in a breathless kiss. His digits were quick to travel across your back, feeling goosebumps surfacing your skin. Playing with the hook of your bra, and the delicate straps on your shoulders, he felt the urge to tear your clothes off at once, but at the same time, he wanted to taste the whole scene. 

The heat was getting out of hand, as he broke the kiss and pushed you aside gently so he could take his shirt off  before lying back on the mattress, and pulling you on top of him once more.

The blissful moment he felt your weight fall over his naked chest, all traces of anxiety and shy insecurity were gone. Now replaced with a needy urge he still felt ashamed of admitting. Caught in another hot wet kiss,  you noticed Ushijima struggling to unhook your bra. You giggled into his lips before helping him out and taking your bra off. 

He broke the kiss with a soft grunt. He sat up, as you followed him, sitting on his lap. He kissed your neck and your shoulders. You whimpered, whispering his name as he kissed and bit your skin like a hungry animal. 

His hands made their way to your breasts as he held them firmly, squeezing them, and feeling the satisfaction of stealing a loud moan from your lips.

"You like this?" He asked, genuinely curious, as you nodded breathlessly. 

"Don't stop, Toshi" you breathed as he kissed your jaw. "Toshi" 

 He growled, as your nipples puckered between his fingers, teasingly pulling and squeezing, as his name continued to echo the room between moans.

"I like hearing you call my name" He purred against the skin of your neck.

"Oh, you're in for a ride, babe. I'm just getting started" You chuckled. 

Hearing you call him that made his heart squeeze dearly. Babe. He never actually had his ex girlfriends call him anything but by his first name. God, his girlfriends were so unbearably polite, and his relationships were so short, they never got to stick around long enough to give him any sort of pet name. 

"You okay?" You asked upon noticing how he had been staring at you for a few seconds, as he tried to assimilate those feelings of passion and endearment consuming him. 

"Yeah" He purred "You're beautiful" 

"Gosh, are you always this sweet to your girlfriends?" You whimpered kissing the corner of his mouth.

"Just you," He said, closing his eyes, enjoying the trail of delicate kisses you left across his face. 

"Kiss me, Toshi" You murmured "I want you so bad, babe" 

His arms around you squeezed you once more, as he desperately kissed you once more.

"You've got me, darling" he whispered between kisses.

Wakatoshi swallowed your moans into the kiss, as his hands kept traveling up and down your body. Your warmth around him, your smell caressing him delicately, and your lips melting into his, with the purest of feelings melting all around you. 

He had never felt like this before. He had never felt so eager to feel someone against his burning skin. He never felt the desire to pleasure someone else for his own pleasure. This newfound passion burned so good, he could understand how people could easily become addicted to sex.

He broke the kiss, cupping your cheek in one of his big hands, as he kissed your cheeks, going down your jaw and neck. He stopped there and snuggled his face on the crook of your neck, and took a deep breath, feeling like the world was spinning too fast. He felt euphoric, ecstatic, marveled. 

"What is it?" You broke the silence, brushing his hair with your fingers.

"I'm enjoying this" He purred, squeezing you once more, as you kissed his head and hugged him back.

"You're adorable" You admitted.

"Thanks," He said, satisfied.

"Toshi?" You broke the hug, looking at him in the eye, and feeling your cheeks blush at the thought of what you were about to ask. This made you feel particularly silly, since you'd done this several times before, and you hadn't felt this shy in a long time.

"Yes, darling?" He said looking into your eyes.

"Let me do something for you" 

"What is it?" 

"Do you ever not ask questions?" Your voice suddenly was loud with amusement.

"I don't think so, no" He chuckled awkwardly. 

"Such a curious mind, are you not? How precious, how delicious" You sang.

"You're talking weirdly again, [Name]" He said amused by how dreamily you looked when you suddenly started talking like that.

"I'm not gonna apologise for spending my free time reading poetry and writing poetic prose" You snapped, idly playing with the button of his jeans.

"You should write a book" he said, noticing the way your fingers were moving, trying to delicately undo his jeans.

"Oh, I'm gonna. Just you wait" He felt nervous and hot as your fingers lingered in his crotch, as he felt his erection keep throbbing in anticipation.

"I've never asked you but, what do you write about?" He stuttered, trying to distract himself from the gentle touch of your hands against him.

"So many years of friendship and you've never asked. That is true. That's true for you and pretty much all of my friends, except for Semi. But because he writes too. Although, he writes music. I write about my life and the people in it" Using your speech to distract him and to calm your nerves, you finally brought yourself to undo his jeans, stealing a quick growl from Wakatoshi.

"Have you written something about me?" He asked, feeling his head turn feverish with desire, as your fingers dragged the zipper down, releasing his still clothed erection.

"If I had a coin for every single question that comes from your beautiful lips…" Following your words, your eyes locked on his swollen lips, as you bit yours, feeling your heart beat hard against your chest "Lay down, babe" 

"[Name], what are you—" 

"Relax, if you trust me, close your eyes" Your voice was once more as a soft seductive purr. And as Wakatoshi did as you told, his face blushed, burning aggressively. 

"I trust you with everything I've got" Your touch caressing his erection as you pulled down his underwear, enough for his dick to spring free. 

"God, you're big" You gasped breathless.

"Ah, [Name], you-you don't have to—" He began, and stopped, gasping, when he felt your lips gently lick and kiss the head.

"But I want this. I want you to enjoy the night" Your breath hit his sensitive skin, as his breath shook nervously.

"I've been enjoying this since the moment I saw you" He admitted, his face blushed and his eyes shut tight as he felt your mouth taking him in, slowly at first "Fuck, [Name]" 

You kept going, trying your best to slowly make your way down his length. Your jaw was beginning to feel numb, as you painfully bobbed your head. Motivated by the sweet obscene sounds Wakatoshi let out. Your name echoing every now and then. Looking up, you managed to gaze at Toshi, peeking through your lashes, as the image of his face flushed, consumed by lust, only added to the heat building between your legs. 

As you got used to the gagging, and his length, it became easier for you to keep going. Sometimes swallowing to tighten your grip around his dick, and making him grunt louder than ever. His hand played with your hair, as you kept going and going. His heart beating faster by the second as he began feeling his orgasm approaching. 

"[Name], stop" He gasped breathless "Come here, darling. I-Im close" He whined, however, you ignored him and sped up your pace "Ple-please, baby" He begged. 

He pushed his head back, rocking his hips, making his cock go deeper into your mouth. Hands gripping firmly to the bed sheets. His body shaking in ecstasy, as he felt closer and closer to his release. He came inside your mouth, as his warm cum tickled the back of your mouth as it shot down your throat. You swallowed, savoring his salty bitter release. The sound of his moans tickling your belly.

"Did you like it?" You coughed, your voice raspy.

"Ye-yeah" He gasped "You didn't listen to me, though" 

"Oh, I didn't have any intention of doing so" You admitted, smiling satisfied at him.

"I've never had anyone do that to me" He said, finally catching his breath, as the world regained its focus again and he saw your cheeky smile.

"Well" you shrugged "you had a thing for sweet and shy virgin girls, so, it shouldn't come as a surprise" 

"You aren't like that," He continued.

"Of course not" 

"Come here, it's my turn" His gaze suddenly turned darker, sending shivers down your spine as you did as he said.

He hooked an arm around your waist and swiftly threw you to the mattress as he got up on his knees and took off his jeans along with his underwear before leaning down and doing the same to you. 

His fingers lingered on the hem of your panties once he took off your jeans and proceeded to kiss your belly. His lips drawing soft patterns on your skin as his fingers played with the fabric of your panties as you gasped and gasped in anticipation. 

He began pulling down your panties, and felt his hit breath close to your sex as you bit your lip, wondering what did he have in mind. 

He kissed your folds before one of his fingers began exploring your slit, as his lips and tongue focused on your clit.

"[Name], you're so wet" he purred before kissing your clit once more.

"Yeah, well...that's your fault, pretty boy" you gasped as one of his fingers effortlessly slid inside you, stretching your walls. 

He moaned against your skin, upon feeling your warmth contract around his fingers, as a second digit made its way inside. 

"Toshi," you cried, running your hands through his hair as he looked up. His now lustful honey eyes looking at you like a predator gazing at its prey "Toshi, that feels so good" you said breathlessly before collapsing your head on the pillow. 

God, what were you doing to him? This was so unlike him. He was usually so quiet, so polite, so squared, always playing by the rules with a weird fascination. But now, he was acting on pure instinct. Your smell, your warmth, the sound of your voice,  it all was driving him crazy. He was letting his most primitive judgment take over as he mindlessly pleasured you with his tongue and fingers making you reach your orgasm. 

"To-Toshi" You whined feeling the buildup of your climax, tightening your grip on his hair and arching your back, shaking uncontrollably as your sight blurred, the loudest of moans escaped your throat as everything began to burn in the most delicious of ways. 

Your walls squeezing his fingers, trapping him, as he bit your clit gently, making you moan even louder due to the overstimulation. 

He smiled proudly at himself, as you returned from your high. Glad that he'd made you cum so effortlessly, feeling so unbearably turned on by your needy cries. He pulled his fingers out of you, covered in slick and licked them clean before crawling on top of you. 

You were quick to wrap your arms around him and pull him close. Desperately kissing his lips in a passionate messy kiss. He could tell you were breathless, and completely undone underneath him, but still needy, clinging to him desperately as you wrap your legs around his hips and bring him closer. 

"[Name]" he gasps, feeling your wet folds rubbing and dripping all over his erection accidentally, thinking he might lose control any time and just take you raw. "Do you have—" 

"Coffee table" you breathe before he can even finish.

He moves quickly and swiftly off of you, grabbing one of the condoms and opening it hastily. 

"Wait, let me do this" you say with a lewd voice, as Wakatoshi gazes at you. Playfully you take the condom off his hands and gently run your fingers through his erection. The idea of taking all of him both excited and terrified you, and tried not to think much about it by slowly unfolding the condom along his length, your fingers lingering teasingly and tickling him as he growled lowly. 

"God, [Name], what're you doing to me?" He purred leaning down and kissing you feverishly as once more you wrapped your legs around his waist and he positioned himself. "Can I?" 

"Fuck yes. Yes, yes, please" you begged, as he pushed his shaft inside your folds, slowly, gently. 

He knew he was a big guy. Big enough to not being able to fully go inside without hurting his girlfriend in turn. So, he expected you to tell him when you'd had enough of his length. However, you didn't. The deeper he went, the more you clawed your nails to his biceps. 

"When you want me to stop, just say it" 

"No, I want all of you" You whined, making his erection throb inside you 

"Doesn't it hurt?"  He purred, his eyes looking into yours.

"It does, but it feels so good. Please don't stop, Toshi, keep going" You breathed "Please"  

He felt a shiver run down his back as he kept going. Your moans getting louder and your voice going a few notes higher, your face blushed, eyes shut. He was captivated by your look. You'd gone from enchanting and teasing siren to a completely submissive and shy doll. You gasped his name once he fully went inside, enjoying your warmth all along his dick. 

He pulled out slowly before thrusting back in at the same speed as before. Once you'd gotten used to his length, you were dripping wet with arousal and opened your eyes to meet his. 

"Toshi, faster" you whispered with the neediest of voices, tickling his gut.  

"Darling I—" 

"Babe, please. I'm gonna be fine" Hearing the sweet sound of your voice dripping with lust made it hard for him to disobey. 

And as he sped up, your moans did too. He was beginning to feel a loss of control, as his thrust not only sped up, but became stronger. Your moans, washed with pleasure, soon got mixed with painful wines. Upon hearing the first one, he stopped at once. 

"I-I'm sorry...are you—" He whispered. 

"Yeah. Keep going. Toshi, it feels so fucking good, I swear. Don't stop babe" You begged as he began moving once more, pounding you, just like before. Stretching you, hitting you in the right places, as your toes curled un pleasure. 

"Fuck, [Name]" Wakatoshi purred against your ear bwfore kissing your neck. "No girl has ever taken all of me before" 

"Cowards" You sighed, swallowing a moan "You know what that means?" 

Wakatoshi brushed his nose against yours and looked into your eyes, drowned in lust, with clear traces of affection melting together. 

"What?" 

"You're mine, and only mine" You cupped his face in your hands and brought him close to you. Kissing him in a rather sweet kiss, as he kept thrusting in and out.

"That's fine by me" He said between breaths before kissing you once more. As you moaned into his mouth, you swallowed his low grunts, both of your passions burning together. 

You broke the kiss, and locked.eyes with him as he pulled out ready to lush his length back in

"And I'm yours, Wakatoshi" You said, before a loud moan escaped your lips as Toshi filled you up, stronger than before. His heart squeezing, as he stole a breathless kiss from your lips. 

He whispered your name between kisses as his pace quickened. Your moans getting progressively louder and louder, as sweet nothings escaped his lips. Hypnotizing you, your hearts beating fast and synchronized. Your nails clawing on his skin, as he felt his orgasm build up once more. Giving in to the sound of your moans, and the arching of your back, it didn't take long for him to reach his second release. He came, burying his face in your neck as you gasped for air.

"Toshi, please. Don't stop. I'm close" 

"[Name]" He panted as he sped up, stronger and faster than before. Your arms around his shoulders squeezed, as your nails dug into his skin. His name escaping your lips in tasty moans as you felt your core burn. Just like before, your walls tightened. He groaned loudly, feeling how your core closed in around his erection, squeezing him deliciously as you rode your orgasm. He kissed your neck, as your back and neck arched. 

Your grip softened, as your body relaxed, breathing deeply, trying to catch your breath. Wakatoshi kissed you, tenderly, as you regained focus of the world. Still inside you, you tightened your legs around his hips to keep him from slipping out. You brushed his hair, melting your lips into his in a sweet gentle kiss. 

He wished to remain like this forever. Just the both of you, caught in an euphoric ecstasy. Vulnerable, and exposed, clinging to that moment with sleepy kisses and sweet nothings. He finally slipped out and lied in bed next to you.  Wrapping his arms around you, still wanting to feel every inch of your body against his. Agitated breaths filling the silence in the room, as fingers entwined mindlessly. Legs tangled. 

Wakatoshi had never felt this much bliss in this entire life. He could stay like this forever, holding you close to him. You stared into each other's eyes, understanding how each other felt, without the need for words. He wondered if this was what people called intimacy. He felt so incredibly vulnerable, however, he knew everything was going to be okay. He felt safe and comfortable with you, and wondered if you felt as vulnerable as him.

"[Name]" wakatoshi broke the silence "didn't that...hurt?" 

"It did, but it felt so good. Toshi, you have no idea how much I enjoyed that" You sighed, snuggling your face against his neck

"Oh, god. Good. I was worried I'd hurt you" He sighed.

"Did you?" 

"Huh?" He looked at you clueless, suddenly forgetting what you'd just said.

"Enjoy it?" You asked. 

"I've never had sex like that before" Ghb e murmured looking away from your eyes.

"Define that" you giggled.

"It was great. It was different to what I'm used to. I really enjoyed it" 

"What are you used to?" Wakatoshi remained pensative for several seconds, recalling the memories of the times he'd sex with his exes. 

"Shy, silent, a bit...robotic" 

"Damn, Toshi. Did you actually like any of the girls you fucked?" You snapped as Wakatoshi looked at you in the eye.

"You" he said bluntly, as you felt yourself blush wildly in a single second.

"Other than me, silly. But thank you"

"I-I...I think so. I dont know. I've never liked a girl as much as I like you, that much is true as well" 

"Terrible decision, really…" You chuckled.

"Are you kidding me? You're perfect, despite what everyone says about you. You're perfect for me, [Name]. I like you, and trust you, and really enjoy our company...” He muttered “I don’t feel awkward after having sex with you, and I enjoyed it at all. For once I had fun and didn't feel like a chore nor..."

"I feel bad for your exes, Toshi. But at the same time not. If they had a taste of this, I'm pretty sure they would've refused to let you go so easily. So, I'm glad I don't have to share this experience with anyone of them" 

"Does that mean you're not gonna let me go so easily?"

"I'm not letting you go, period. Unless you want to, of course. But if I wasn't going to let you go, as a friend. After this...I-I...you get my point"

He didn't. But he could tell you were feeling uncomfortable by how easily you became speechless. He wondered what had gone through your mind to make you go silent and shy in a second.

"You're far too precious to me to forget about you. You've always been."

"God, so that's why all of your little fans and your exes hated me. You always found the time to hang out with me even when you spent the entire day training prepping for Nationals, didn't you?" 

"Before tonight, I already knew I didn't want to lose you. After tonight, I'm sure I don’t want to kiss, nor hold any other girl who isn’t you" 

"Toshi, call me crazy, but that's not news, but…" 

"Yeah?" 

"I've liked you for almost two years now, and...That’s a lot, you know? I’ve never had feelings for someone for this long...and—" You stopped, feeling how your heart suddenly went crazy.

"What is it?"

"God, if this were happening to me, I'd definitely think if this was a big red flag, how much lower can I sink?" You giggled nervously before looking back into Wakatoshi's eyes "I think I'm in love with you" 

"I think…" Wakatoshi muttered as his brain quickly jumped and did the math, still processing what you'd told him "Tendo lost the bet" 

"What?"  You kept laughing awkwardly, trying to keep your panic under control.

"When I told Tendo I had feelings for you, he got all excited, saying he had won the bet…" Wakatoshi recalled. "But that was a year and a half ago. But I'm starting to think it was actually Semi who won the bet" 

"Oh...okay…" You blinked confused. "Are you gonna tell them?"

"Does it matter? [Name], I honestly do not care who's the rightful winner of that bet" 

Wkatoshi lifted your chin with his finger and leaned closer, sealing his lips with yours in a tender kiss.A kiss you wished had lasted a little longer. Such a sweet, delicate kiss, long enough to leave you breathless instantly, and short enough to leave you wanting more. The sort of kiss you wished to get every day from him. 

"I love you too, [Name]” He purred, his nose brushing against yours, as you savoured not only the aftertaste of his kiss, but savouring his words. 

You leaned closer, stealing a second hiss from him, as he, very obediently kissed you back. Wrapping your arms around him, you brought him closer, as he groaned softly into your lips, adjusting himself. Slowly, crawling on top of you once more, you wrapped our legs around his waist, and your arms around his back, desiring to feel his weight on top of you once more. He breathed your name between kisses, as his fingers mindlessly played with your hair, as both your lips kept dancing together, slowly, tenderly, passionately. 

The fear and the anxiety had been long gone. Now, the consuming and intrusive thoughts of how wrong it was to be kissing your best friend were now replaced by a comfortable sense of security, as your love confessions played in each other’s head. The heat kept increasing and increasing, just like the sound of our moans and grunts. It was much less awkward this second round, maybe was the lack of clothes, or maybe the fact that you already knew how the other felt. This newfound intimacy was everything Wakatoshi needed. He loved the feeling of reciprocity, as the same desperation to feel you closer, not only irradiated from him, but also from you. The physical closeness as well as the emotional closeness pulled you together like a tender hug. 

You wasted the night away learning more about each other on a physical level. What each other liked, what you didn't. Holding each other close, tasting each other, over and over again until the both of you were completely satisfied and exhausted. You soon fell asleep in each other's arms. 

Wakatoshi knew he didn't want to spend his nights with any other girl who wasn't you. He didn't want to kiss any other girl who wasn't you. And god, he felt like the luckiest man alive. By the end of the night, he was yours. and you were his.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Did my last ask come through? I'm not sure if it did, internet isn't the best.

I basically put about how I'm very sure I'm asexual, although others think I'm probably too young or shouldn't label myself... But romantically, I struggle with understanding the difference between platonic and romantic feelings? I will never actively seek out a relationship like by a app or go out looking, but if one day I got a deep connection with a girl then *maybe*,( it's a big maybe) we could have some kind of relationship because I feel as if I feel some kind of attraction? (I'm a girl too) Do you have any idea what this is? I've never had a crush nor understood them though. I don't know. I feel like a real mess and its affecting my mood alot. (I already struggle daily with things & this just adds onto it, you know?)

Some people do have a hard time distinguishing between romantic and platonic feelings. Romance is complicated and hard to describe/explain, and sometimes attraction is just complicated. Also some people have a hard time interpreting their own feelings. There are a few labels that cover that not knowing, or that blurring together. Some of the more well known ones are: Idemromantic: Someone who categorizes relationships as romantic or platonic but experiences no internal differences. Platoniromantic: When someone experiences no difference between romantic and platonic attraction. Quoiromantic: Actively dis-identifying with romantic attraction/orientation, or not seeing it as applicable, useful, sensical, etc. People have a lot of reasons for identifying as quoiromantic but not being able to figure out if their feelings are romantic or platonic is one of them. (great writeup in the link.) Alterous attraction: a type of attraction with both romantic and platonic elements but isn’t fully either. Someone experiencing alterous attraction may be OK with a romantic relationship, a platonic relationship, or something that defies labels entirely. And what will matter most to someone experiencing alterous attraction is that they have a strong emotional bond with the person they’re attracted to. So all that being said, I'd also really recommend reading up on demiromanticism. And that means someone who does experience romantic attraction, but only after they've formed a bond with that person. And that sounds a lot like what you're saying it feels like how attraction may end up working for you. Another thing to keep in mind is that identity is a bit subjective, trust your feelings and what feels right. And sometimes figuring out the right labels is a bit of a process. Hopefully this gives you a place to start considering/looking but don't feel like you can't look into other things too. And if you want to send in another ask, that's fine too. Often figuring out romantic orientation takes time, don't feel like you have to know right away (though some people do get a lightbulb moment and that's good too). You'll usually eventually find a way of identifying that you like. All the best, Anon! And yeah, I don't think your original ask came through. Just a note for anyone, if you sent in an ask and it isn't answered within a few days it's very likely Tumblr ate it. And I'll never ignore an asking about labels/identity. And I'll never be bothered by someone resending an ask after a couple of days.

[aion-rsa]

Squid Game’s Most Heartbreaking Hour is Also Its Best

https://ift.tt/3u23hm5

This Squid Game article includes MAJOR spoilers for all nine episodes of the series, including Episode 6.

“Gganbu” isn’t the Squid Game episode with the highest kill count. It’s not the episode when we finally discover the man behind the deadly competition, or its ultimate winner. It is not the most fast-paced or action-driven of the Netflix series’ nine installments, nor is it the bloodiest. Instead, it is a relatively quiet hour that divides its characters into teams of two, with each pair acting as their own mini-social experiment. If the “deadly competition” trope is designed to reflect on the inherent goodness or not of humanity, then Squid Game‘s most articulate answer to the question of what humans will or will not do to survive comes in “Gganbu,” and it is as nuanced as it is heartrending.

What Happens in “Gganbu”?

“Gganbu” concerns itself with the events of Round 4. Before the next, mysterious competition begins, the remaining players are asked to pair up, unaware of how the structure might come into play. Once they have chosen partners, they enter a massive room designed to look like a traditional Korean village. Each player is given a bag with 10 marbles, and instructed to play a game of their choosing with their partner. After 30 minutes, whoever has won the game, and all of their partner’s marbles, will pass the round and survive. The loser will be “eliminated.” This is the round when characters we have come to care about start dying…

This is also the episode that gives the most time to a round of a competition. Episode 7, “VIPs,” comes close with its depiction of Round Five’s bridge of glass, but the narrative focus is split between the competitors and the disgustingly rich men who have come to watch. In “Gganbu,” there is no such split focus. The players begin choosing their characters around the four-minute mark, and they enter the playing arena at around the 13-minute mark. This is where they will stay until the end of the episode, which means the viewer experiences Round 4 in what is, more or less, real time. “Gganbu” makes use of every bit of it.

Can any of these players hold on to any scrap of their humanity when they have been manipulated into Squid Game? This is the question the “deadly competition” trope seeks to explore and, sometimes, answer. Squid Game doesn’t opt for one definitive answer, but rather a more complicated and nuanced one. It does this by giving us four clear, varied scenarios to see this theme played out.

Deok-su vs. Ja-hyoung

First, we have our duo with the least surprising thematic outcome: gangster Deok-su and henchman Ja-hyoung. Unlike Sang-woo, these two have rarely pretended to prioritize anything over their own survival and accumulation of power. When Deok-su betrays Mi-nyeo, leaving her to her presumed death again and again rather than risking his own survival by teaming up with her, it’s expected. Past that, there is little artifice to Deok-su’s games with Ja-hyoung. Ja-hyoung has dropped the act that he will obey Deok-su’s orders without question, but not even Deok-su is surprised by that. After all, he lives his life without the comfort of human connection, solely trusting in violence and money as security—why should he expect anything else from his social circle? What’s most interesting here is the game stipulation that says Deok-su cannot use violence to win the marbles. This puts Deok-su at a disadvantage because violence has always been how he exerts power. While Deok-su ultimately wins, this is the most unsettled we’ve seen him up to this point, and a reminder that even violence has its limits when it comes to ensuring survival.

Sang-woo vs. Ali

Lying can be a form of subtle violence, and it’s one that Sang-woo has demonstrated himself very capable of since the beginning of Squid Game, most notably when he chose to knowingly send his “teammates,” including childhood friend Gi-hun, to the harder dalgona challenges in Round 2. If you’ve been paying attention to Sang-woo, then his betrayal of Ali isn’t particularly surprising, but it cuts much deeper. That is because, while the viewer may not be shocked that Sang-woo would trick Ali to his death to save himself, Ali is. While this characterization didn’t always work for me—I think Ali would be more discerning as a 33-year-old immigrant who has been screwed over before—it works on an emotional and thematic level. Ali is depicted as the most innocent character within the game; he is almost child-like in his portrayal. To see Sang-woo take advantage of that innocence is upsetting. It may be tempting to see Ali as a passive player in this game, but that’s not how I view him. To me, believing in the goodness of others, and taking a chance on the relationships you have built is not only an active decision, but one of the bravest ones—an action that Deok-su and Sang-woo are much too cowardly to ever take themselves.

Gi-hun vs. Il-nam

While Gi-hun may struggle to play “fair” against Il-nam when his own survival is at stake, it’s all in the context of Gi-hun’s first major decision in this episode: to take Il-nam as his teammate. When the partner requirement is announced, Gi-hun initially goes to seek a more able-bodied contestant—and he has some good options. However, when someone points out that there is an uneven number of people and makes the assumption that the odd man out will be killed, Gi-hun sacrifices the edge a more physically able teammate might give him in order to make sure Il-nam doesn’t die. In this episode, Gi-hun hits peak aspirational relatability. He is the kind of player, the kind of human, we would like to believe ourselves to be. He’s relatable in that, when Il-nam’s apparent dementia gives him the chance to avoid losing, he takes it; he wants to survive. He’s aspirational in that, when faced with entering Round 4 in the first place, he chose friendship and compassion over the presumed competitive edge. It’s not the first time we’ve seen him make that decision, and it won’t be the last.

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Squid Game: What Could Season 2 Look Like?

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Is Squid Game Based on an Anime, Comic, or Manga?

By Kayti Burt

Ultimately, the outcome of “Gganbu”‘s contest between Gi-hun and Il-nam hits different once you’ve seen the ending of the season, and the Oh Il-nam twist. Il-nam doesn’t die here. In many ways, Il-nam’s arc in this episode foreshadows that reveal. For most of the episode, we and Gi-hun are led to believe that Il-nam doesn’t fully understand what’s going on. Then, with only minutes left in the round, Il-nam reveals to Gi-hun that he knows Gi-hun has been tricking him, using his apparent memory problems against him to ensure he isn’t taken out of the game. It’s a manipulation not unlike the larger manipulations of the game in the sense that Il-nam has so much more power than Gi-hun, and is using that power to play with him and see what he will do. It’s cruel because it is dishonest. Watching this the first time, Il-nam’s decision to let Gi-hun win is a powerful one, and it disappoints that the Il-nam plot twist retroactively undercuts that narrative choice. That being said, the playing out of this dynamic—both a first and second time—helps to give us a complex, nuanced view of humanity.

Sae-byeok vs. Ji-yeong

While most of the players spend their half hour playing marbles to the death, Sae-byeok and Ji-yeong choose to “enjoy” what will be the final 30 minutes of one of their lives. This decision alone is a thematically impactful one: it treats life as precious. By using that 30 minutes to share their secrets with one another, they are choosing humanity’s capacity for togetherness and connection over humanity’s capacity for violence and desperation. They tell stories about the pain they have endured, and trade dreams about a future only one of them (and then neither of them) will have. While some, especially during an initial watch, may think the “Gganbu” of the title refers to the friendship between Gi-hun and Il-nam, I think it refers to the connection between Sae-byeok and Ji-yeong. If a gganbu is, as Il-nam describes it: “a good friend, one you trust a lot [and] you share things with,” then Sae-byeok and Ji-yeong become gganbu over the course of this hour of television.

In the end, Ji-yeong decides to let her gganbu, Sae-byeok, win. If Deok-su and Sang-woo represent the worst of humanity’s capacity for selfishness, then Sae-byeok and especially Ji-yeong represent humanity’s capacity for hope. And, unlike so many stories in this subgenre, Squid Game treats Ji-yeong’s act of desperate hope as just as likely as Deok-su or Sang-woo’s desperate acts of self-interest.

Humanity is not a monolith. Some of us make selfish decisions and some of us make selfless ones. Usually, it’s a combination of both. Squid Game neither wholly condemns humanity, nor wholly celebrates it; instead, it goes for something in-between, with an eye towards hope. While other episodes in Squid Game‘s first season concern themselves with a criticism of how society allows the ultra-powerful few to make decisions about the value of human life, “Gganbu”‘s ambitions are simultaneously simpler and much more ambitious: It chooses to depict the most powerful and affecting act not as a show of violence, but rather as a quiet gift of friendship and the sharing of one’s own name. As a result, “Gganbu” is Squid Game at its absolute best.

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What is your favorite episode of Squid Game? Let us know in the comments below.

The post Squid Game’s Most Heartbreaking Hour is Also Its Best appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3zxZq1a

[filliteapot]

I'm going to use this part of what you said in a previous answer that made me really curious "the way of the authors to tell the story is another matter" to know your top 5 (or ~10) of that :)

Ah :D I guess the easier way to put it would be “This time I chose my favourite styles basing on art style mostly, but if I were to choose my fav storytelling/mix of art and how authors tells it/what they want to transmit, the odrer/the list would be different” :”) So some authors/stories on the list of my fav storytelling (not sure if it's the right term for what i mean but let's use this) are the same I put in the previous list. The titles and authors won’t be surprise for you, but I’ll list them anyway. Warning: I love talking about such things a lot, so I suddenly wrote a lot.

(Ask me my top 5-10 anything)

1. Literally anything by Takaya Natsuki. You have no idea how #tired I am of all the discussions about both adaptations of her Furuba (which is better which is worse no listen to me bc I Have an Opinion of High Authority) when not a single adaptation quite got her style in storytelling, foreshadowing and especially presenting her characters’ personal drama. I think I espcially love her for not throwing it all in your face right away, being careful at hinting at things (so that you don’t quite get some parts of the characters’ thoughts and inner struggles until you learn the facts and it hits you) and for leaving you some space to use your own brain what you think about this or that storyline. (Tamura Yumi does it too which makes her my second fave author). Also, years after reading and rereading her works I see better how storylines are entwinted and unfolding, and it still makes me yell “HOW does she do it” every time I go back to Furuba and her other works and see something new. I love her Hoshi wa Utau (which hits hard and is painfully real in the matter of parents/children’s conflicts), and Liselotte to majo no mori (darkish fairytale with hopeful messages) and wish more people knew about them too, not only Furuba.

2. Kouno Fumiyo’s Yunagi no Machi Sakura no Kuni. I first read this manga a long time ago and was dying of happiness when it got published in my country bc oh my gosh. It’s a historical thing, it’s a heavy thing, she does have such unique style (my first thought was ”ah looks cute, like children books illustrations” and then it killed me) and approach to place panels on pages or transitions between scenes or past and present (I think some comic researcher or smth even called it innovative). The page that struck me the most was a spread near the end of this story, presenting a character in his older years sitting on the beach of a river in Hiroshima and him in the same place right after the war. Perhaps it doesn’t sound so original but this work and these two pages live rent free in my soul to this day.

3. Ando Yuki’s oneshots (and Machida-kun). She is my favourite short stories author, she just knows how to tell it so that I got tuned in from the start. Be it a school slice of life or basically Edith Piaf’s song Hymne à l'amour presented in the form of manga oneshot, they give me immense joy. And oh, there’s almost always a twist near the ending I can’t predict. Her characters act a bit weird and take weird decisions sometimes but I think it’s what makes them feel so real to me.

And it’s cheating, but while I’m talking about oneshots, I want to mention Midorikawa Yuki and her shorter-than-Natsume stories. Because they give me a similar feeling to Ando’s oneshots - the atmosphere is different, but the way they touch my heart is the same. Don’t get me wrong, I love Natsume and its structure (main characters and their personal jouney through unrelated stories of other people/not humans), but I love Midorikawa’s shorter stories much more.

4. Takamatsu Misaki’s Skip to Loafer. One of the best slice stories I’ve ever read. Right amount of drama and comedy, a cast of characters with different problems and motivations. I can’t help but think “Oh I wish I were able to create a story like this one day”. Also, someone wrote about it: “let me live the wholesome high school life i didnt have” and ugh I felt it :”))

5. Yazawa Ai’s stories: Nana and Gokinjo Monogatari. Did “Nee, Nana” moments kill my soul every time it was used in the story? Yes, absolutely. Did it make me cry? Don’t even ask.

6. Nishi Keiko’s stories: Otoko no Isshou, Koi to Gunkan. A person I know described her stories like this: “If life goes the wrong way, it’s better to go home”, and I think it sums it up. Both of the stories I listed are about ordinary life in small towns, they both me melancholic and somehow cozy feeling. Both stories have themes and characters that don’t really interest me much, but when I read them, I usually cry. It’s another A+ slice of life author imo.

7. Tsukuba Sakura’s Mekakushi no Kuni. It’s dear to me for special reasons. There a girl who sometimes sees future when touches other people, there is a boy who sees the past all the time he does the same, there’s another boy... And NO evil organizations chasing them for their superpowers, NO global plots or problems or author’s will to condemn society, no deep philosophy questions about time and so on. Just normal slice of life of not so normal peoplewho try to cope with this particularity they have and fit the world they live in. (I wish authors realized the potential of such slice of life centered urban fantasy but they keep failing me aiming at the Global, sigh)

8. Torino Nanko’s Toripan. It’s basically authors essays on her daily life and mostly birdwatching, but ugh it’s so good. Peak comedy about birds and heartfelt pages for when she speaks about her memories or remarks on nature, it’s so full of love towards this world and life. After I read Toripan I feel like I become kinder and better :DD

(author’s A+ faces and haiku about sparrows in the winter)

9. Watanuki Yoshiko’s Manatsu no Delta. I read it some time ago and my first thought was “Wow, this IS how you touch an unpleasant yet existing problem”. I’ll certainly be waiting for this author’s other works.

10. Ikuemi Ryo’s stories, especially the ones featuring metaphorical ghosts (Kiyoku Yawaku, Torch Song Ecology) and Taiyou ga Mite Iru. Joseis with ghosts are my fave thing on earth, and Ikuemi’s great at it. But she can make any theme totally worth digging into, be it school life or cheating and complicated family relationships. I think TGM is her work that left the deepest trace in my soul because I was reading it when it was ongoing, for three years, and it’s basically just something that makes you die slowly looking at how not so bad people fk up their life decisions bc of their unresolved traumas and issues but you can’t take your eyes of it and then need several years of therapy after reading such manga. And she doesn’t even preech or say you should not live like this. She’s like “this is a life story I want to tell, take whatever you want from it” and I’m like “gooosh this is so painful and looks so real and makes me feel things, I love it”. Ikuemi Power as it is. (Life teaches me nothing, I lowkey want to read something like TGM again and Akaneda Yuki’s Saraba Yoki Hi fulfills this wish of mine, but uh I’m so glad it’s rarely updated)

(text: Nire is here to kill me)

Thanks for such ask, it was fun :D

[samshogwarts]

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be. 

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble.  And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ​​had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages ​​and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean.  Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me! 

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny  that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you!  Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness. 

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more. 

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people. 

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me. 

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys! 

Love you all so much.