#sometimes i just repeat myself like a broken record

[kachimera]

🌻 about Mathias if you want?

I've spoken about this before but I'm still baffled abt how Mathias is both extremely smart and an utter moron. Yes we know that the real reason he says his whole plan out loud to Leon in his face is bc the story needed the player to know the truth, but in universe it paints Mathias as this masterful strategist with the emotional inteligence and empathy of a rock (plus whatever funny side effects the crimson stone/sudden vampirism had on him, if i might push in my funny hcs)

...and it also makes me thing of how things would've gone had he held his tongue. I've been wanting to write a bad ending au for a long time but been too scared to do it. One that has Mathias entangling Leon (who is not an idiot nor would willy nilly forgive everything if he learns the truth, mind you) with lies and half truths until he gets to turn him (or not :) )

Anyways something something fight the dysfunctional execs, cringe is dead, fear is an illusion, I just need the cyclical LoI brainrot to hit me back and then y'all will see

[ceilidho]

prompt: IKEA soap/reader fic. PART 1. tags: dubcon

-

You duck behind a stack of boxes when you hear Johnny come whistling into the warehouse.

He shouts your name out somewhere off on the other side of the warehouse, voice echoing through the building. You keep absolutely still, fingers clamped around the clipboard that’s pressed close to your chest. Even your breathing slows, open-mouthed so as to keep it almost soundless. It’s strategic. You’ve gotten good at making yourself invisible back here, practically melting into the stack of boxes. 

A minute or two goes by with repeated calls of your name, echoing from different parts of the warehouse like Johnny’s making the rounds. Searching for you. He’s probably been looking around the store for ages, with his track record. Someone must have let it slip that you were assigned to inventory today instead of being out on the floor. 

You only let out a sigh when it’s been long enough that any reasonable person might have given up on trying to find you in the loading dock.

“Hiding from someone?” a deep voice asks from behind you.

Your gut all but self-ejects. When you turn around, he’s standing there in the same bright blue shirt that you also wear. His is stretched tight across his chest though, like it’s a size too small. You wonder sometimes if it’s on purpose. It’s hard not to let your eyes wander, but by now you’ve trained yourself to keep your eyes level when speaking to Johnny. 

“Nope,” you squeak. “Just…you know…counting. Counting boxes and…stacks.”

He laughs, loud enough to make you startle. It’s far too enthusiastic, like you told a particularly funny joke instead of stumbling over your words and you still don’t actually know if he finds you funny or not. 

“Cool,” Johnny says, taking a step closer to you. The clipboard doesn’t feel sufficient enough to put any real distance between the two of you. “Thought I could maybe come hang out with ye back here. Dinnae want ye to feel lonely.”

“Nope, not lonely at all. Totally peachy. Actually glad I could catch a break from…everyone.” You take a step back.

He follows you, another step forward. “Aye, dinnae worry, I get what ye mean. Some of the others—” he whistles, “—right buggers. Glad to catch a break myself as well.”

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of your neck. “Aren’t you supposed to be…out in the front? I, uh, don’t want you to get in trouble with Jeff—”

“Ah, Jeff’s fine, kitty, dinnae worry about me,” Johnny coos, sounding pleased as punch. He takes you at face value instead of reading into the set of your jaw and the way you keep inching away from him as he gets closer to you, convinced that you genuinely in your heart care about whether he gets written up or not. “They fuckin’ love me, ye ken? Think he wants ta take me out for lunch tomorrow, but told him I’d only go if he invited ye as well.”

“Oh. That’s nice,” you whisper instead of screaming. You’re doing that a lot these days. Talking through the scream bubbling behind your front teeth. 

“Would ye want ta then?” he asks, suddenly in your face, three quick steps bridging the gap between you in barely a second, hardly enough time for you to blink. You blink and it’s just Johnny, in startling definition. Thick eyebrows and scar across his chin, the bridge of his nose perfect like he’s never broken it before. “Grab some lunch with me?”

“I, uh…I brought my lunch from home.”

“It’s a’right, I’ll buy it for ye, hen. Dinnae need ta waste your money.” Sometimes when he talks to you, he gets like this, fervent and almost desperate. He seems only half aware of it. “Ye like that mediterranean place nearby, right? Seen ye go there once or twice; wanted ta tag along, but dinnae want ta alarm ye.”

“You saw me go there?” you repeat. 

“Aye, happened ta glance out the window when ye were on your lunch break. Back before management changed my break time. Cheers for that as well because it was really startin’ ta bother me, ye ken? Not being able ta eat with my favourite coworker.” 

You never know how to respond when Johnny lets on a bit too much about how he feels about you. Sometimes he slips up and it comes rushing out, a big spool of thread unwinding in front of you.  

“Yeah, well…I don’t know about today but maybe…” you say, trailing off. There’s a danger in just brushing him off, you feel. 

“Tomorrow then,” he decides, grin still splitting his face. “I’m no’ on the schedule, but I can drop by at your lunch break and go with ye. How’s that sound?”

“Well, you know…it sounds…” He’s close enough now that if you lean forward, you’ll faceplant in between his pecs. Despite everything, you have to slightly fight the urge. Sometimes you think it’d be easier if he weren’t so absurdly gorgeous. It doesn’t make any of his actions okay, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour just because he’s pretty, yet still he pulls you in somehow, magnetic. “It sounds—you know, actually, I think Jeff wanted to talk to me about something, so if you don’t mind—”

Johnny tries to say something, but you manage to duck around him and scurry off, disappearing into the stacks of boxes before pressing forward until you burst out the main doors out of the warehouse. It leads to a hall that goes towards the store, but you haul it to the women’s washroom instead. The one place he can’t follow you inside. 

In the washroom, you can finally breathe. Resting your hands on either side of the sink, you look into the mirror where haggard eyes with deep circles underneath stare back at you. 

You flinch when one of the toilets flush and the stall door opens, another coworker stepping out. 

“Did I hear Johnny outside?” she asks, taking the sink beside you to wash her hands. You nod, still tongue tied. “He really follows you everywhere, huh?”

For a second, your shoulders relax. “God, I know, he’s always just hovering—”

She cuts you off, sighing dreamily. “You’re so lucky. He’s so hot, it’s unreal. I can’t believe he works here, like that’s insane. I’d kill to have him as obsessed with me as he is with you.”

“He’s—he’s not into me, he’s just…you know, he just hovers.”

The water shuts off. Your coworker shoots you a dubious look, almost mocking. “Yeah, alright. Sure. Not into you. Not like he hangs off your every word. You don’t have to be humble—we’re already jealous. It’s like rubbing it in when you pretend like it’s totally normal.”

You slump, defeated, when she leaves without drying her hands. It’s moot to try and commiserate with anyone. They don’t see him the way you do, not for who he is. Your coworkers love Johnny; you’ve seen someone genuinely fistpump after being scheduled with him. 

They don’t see any of the weird shit though. They don’t see the way he insists on walking you to your car well into the evening after a closing shift together. They don’t notice the way Johnny laughs a little too hard and with too much vigour when someone calls him your shadow, his eyes just a little too bright and fervent. 

They’re never around to see him ask if you want to sit on his lap while he shows you how to use the forklift in the backroom. They’ve never seen him beg management to let him take his breaks with you and doesn't let you have a moment of peace, just sits with you in the breakroom or follows you to your car when you say that you're going out for lunch. 

Sometimes you look at him and think, this guy should not be in the Appliance section of a big box store. Johnny should be on the front cover of magazines, in commercials for toothpaste, acting in Hallmark movies, or maybe hand modelling for obscenely ornate watch companies that cost the equivalent of a mortgage—not handing out free samples of sliced cheese.

That was then.

It starts like this: an overeager sales associate who butts his way to the front of the line on your first day. 

You think at first that you’re golden. It seems like a sweet deal—an easy enough job, maybe not what you went to school for, but still something to pass the time and not too backbreaking. Plus, the guy shaking your hand and chatting up a storm in front of you is making you melt inside. He’s easy on the eyes—all bright smiles, effortless charm, either just brushing or exactly six feet, and built. Broad shouldered and lean. 

Johnny’s a model employee as well—knows the handbook inside and out, and shows you the ropes on your first day along with the assistant manager giving you a tour of the store, which is helpful because there’s at least three floors that you could easily get lost on. He walks elderly customers to their cars with their bags, shows up to work early for every shift, always with a smile and a positive attitude, and you find out early on that management loves him because of his frankly incredible sales record. 

(And you get it too; you can’t imagine anyone looking into those gorgeous blue eyes and turning him down.)

He's also a spokesperson for the company in all of their internal training videos because he was hired through some “Jobs for Vets” program that they just rolled out. The guy can also stack things on a shelf like no one's business, products lined up with military precision (hence the ex-military status). 

All in all, you can’t help feeling like for once in your life, you didn’t draw the short stick. 

Then one day, you’re alone with Johnny in the breakroom early in the morning before the store has opened yet and he turns to you with a wide, boyish grin and says apropos of nothing, “Named my fleshlight after you.”

You think your brain skips a couple tracks like a record player. You rewind and replay what was just said to you. There’s no two ways about it—you must have misheard him. Of course you did because surely your coworker of two months didn’t just look you in the eyes and say with a sweet sunshine smile that he named his sex toy after you. 

He doesn’t laugh, just stands there and smiles while stirring sugar into his coffee. He takes it black. You take note of that because the brain still has to work when the mind shuts down momentarily, so you use it instead to catalogue things around the breakroom. One of the motivational posters hanging near the door is hung a bit off-centre. The fluorescent lightbulb on the far side of the room is dimmer than the others. Johnny’s eyes have a little light spot in them like the tip of an ocean wave.

“Excuse me?” you ask, dumbfounded. Your voice sounds hollow even to you.

“I named her after ye,” he repeats, not a trace of shame in his voice. “Used ta not have a name at all, but figured since I say it so much when I’m enjoyin’ her, she might as well share it with ya.” 

He stares at you after saying that, letting it hang in the air. Your brain chooses that moment to come back online and all it can do is load that image of Johnny home alone with his fleshlight, toes curled in his sheets and the muscles of his legs straining as he moans your name. All you can do is give a little awkward laugh, growing more uncomfortable by the second the longer he stares at you without blinking. 

Then, something passes over his eyes and suddenly he's back to normal, laughing and clapping you on the arm before wandering off to the men's apparel section. 

It leaves you reeling for the rest of the day, sure you imagined it. It recontextualizes a few things for you though. He’s always been on the handsy side, verging on inappropriate, but skirting just enough around the edges of it that you usually brush off Johnny’s weird behaviour. Chalk it up to annoying little brotherly tendencies. You know he has a few older sisters anyway; you figured it was just how he related to women in his environment.

Not so. 

It escalates after that initial escalation. Not that things started off on an appropriate note, but at least before you could rationalize most of his quirks.

Now it’s this: his hand on your lower back during work hours when you’re busy helping a customer and he sidles up next to you, pinkie brushing so low on your back that you worry for a second that he might slip it down the back of your pants. Lifting you up by the hips whenever you have a hard time reaching something on a shelf instead of just reaching up and grabbing it for you. A complete misuse of his height. He digs his fingers into your sides and never lets you go right away when he puts you down. 

“Aw shit, bonnie,” he coos when you complain about it hurting you. “Dinnae mean ta hurt ye. Want me to give ye a little massage in the breakroom?” 

You learn quickly that there’s no point in complaining about his behaviour to anyone. You can't complain to any of your coworkers because the second you so much as criticize his work, they bark at you to be nice to him. He's just re-acclimating to civilian life, of course he's not perfect at his job yet, they say. They defend him almost viciously; the real jealous ones even tell on you in front of him, leaving you to stand there embarrassed and on the spot until Johnny just smiles and says that it's alright. That you'll just have to teach him better. 

There’s not much you can do besides grin and bear it. You can hope one day that you'll get transferred; you don't have much hope for him being transferred. Not with how endeared he is to management.

When you finally open the door, ready to leave the bathroom and get back to work, you nearly scream when Johnny lurches off the wall across from the bathroom door where he’s been leaning. Waiting for you.

“C’mon, hen,” he says, all teeth. “Lemme walk ye back ta work.”

[withleeknow]

genre/warnings: friends with benefits au. pwp. smut right under the cut. minors dni.

note: yeah i don't even remember what i thought about yesterday that made me do this. i was possessed. i always wanna set myself on fire after i post smut bye don't perceive me

main masterlist / blurb masterlist / ko-fi

hyunjin, who knows exactly how to make you feel better after a long and tiring day. you'd called him right as you clocked out at work, not having even left the office building when you were dialing his number impatiently, demanding asking him to meet you at your place in thirty minutes.

hyunjin, who's already standing by your front door with a cocky smile you arrive home. but you're too strung out today to indulge in pleasantries with him. you both know what you're not here to exchange small talk. sometimes, he calls you to help him deal with his stress and frustrations. today, it's you who's in need of his assistance.

hyunjin, who's got you pressed against the wall about half a minute after you unlock the door and usher the both of you inside. "want me to make you forget?" he tilts his head, a shadow of a smirk in his voice and yet, there's something so gentle in the way he asks for your confirmation.

hyunjin, who drops to his knees the second you give him the green light, glancing up at you with mischievous eyes before he gets to work. your pants are off in no time, though he opts to leave your panties on as he nudges his nose against the fabric, flicks his tongue over the wet patch on the cotton where he knows your clit is.

hyunjin, who gives you your first orgasm of the night just like that, licking you through the layer separating you and him, making you cream your panties in mere minutes while you try to hold yourself up against the wall, your fingers weaved through his hair to push his face closer to your core.

hyunjin, who discards your soaked underwear soon after, spreading your legs further open and diving in until his tongue makes direct contact with you, trailing his way from your entrance to your clit, cleaning you up just to make you messy again.

hyunjin, whose skilled fingers join the fun, slipping inside of you with ease while his tongue never relents. he relishes in every sound you make, every whimper and broken moan, the way your thighs shake around his head and the clench of your velvety walls around his digits when he hits your sweet spot.

hyunjin, who's practically an expert on everything you like. he knows every button to push, knows how to curl his fingers to get you to make a very particular sound that he likes. knows how to bring you to the edge and reel you back in and repeats the process a few times so the pleasure would be amplified tenfold for when you do come again. that's how he gets you to gush once, twice more for him, with his name tumbling out of your mouth like a fallen prayer.

hyunjin, who licks his fingers clean afterward, then rises to his feet and kisses you deeply with you still smeared all over his lips and coated on his tongue.

hyunjin, who carries you to your room like a proper gentleman, laying you gently on the bed as if he hadn't just given you three earth-shattering orgasms with his mouth and fingers alone.

hyunjin, who removes the rest of your clothes before he strips himself naked. you keep your legs open as you watch him eye you with lust-blown pupils, his hand wrapping around his hardened length. he stares at your core that's still glistening with your earlier release, biting his lip and slowly pumping his cock until it's heavy as a fucking rock and leaking at the tip.

hyunjin, who makes your eyes roll back in pure bliss when he pushes inside of you, bottoms out and immediately sets a steady pace. he knows you can take it and he knows you need it, so he rocks into you as hard as you beg him to, hard enough that the only coherent thing coming out of your mouth is hyune, hyune, hyune..., his name repeated on your lips like you're a broken record.

hyunjin, who holds off his own release just to make sure you get there first. he sucks on your nipples and flicks your clit just the way you like, all the while still thrusting into you until he feels you clench around his cock, your breathing becoming more and more ragged by the second, until your orgasm crests and you're crying out, your walls convulsing around him as your body shakes underneath him.

hyunjin, who fucks you through your high and then some. when you whine from the overstimulation, he pulls out and shuffles up the bed, moving over your form until his tip is pressed against your lip. "open," he says, and you do exactly that, albeit a little lazily after being fucked to heaven and back again. he slides further into the warmth of your mouth before his hips start thrusting shallowly.

hyunjin, who throws his head back in utter euphoria as you suck him off. it doesn't take long before he's coming undone, shooting ropes of warm cum right down your throat, and you happily swallow all of it despite the way your eyes brim with tears upon reflex.

hyunjin, who collapses next to you on the bed after you've milked him for all that he's worth. when you turn to him, wearing a fucked-out smile and thanking him for tonight, he only rolls closer and throws an arm over your waist, "glad to be of service."

[squoxle]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞-𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭 ~ 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐒𝐮𝐧 𝐟𝐟 18+

*𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒄𝒂𝒇𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒚𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒘𝒐 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔.*

✩✩𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘴：ⓌⒶⓇⓃⒾⓃⒼ

<<𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠/𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐩𝐞𝐭 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐟𝐥𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐭𝐢𝐭-𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲, 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱--𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐯𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞

𝑆𝑚𝑢𝑡 𝑆𝑐𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝐻𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑙𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑤／𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝐸𝑚𝑜𝑗𝑖❤️‍🔥

✩𝑃𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔：𝐂𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐄𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐞!𝐊.𝐒 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐏.𝐒𝐇 𝐱 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧!𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐛!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

☆𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑟𝑒： 𝐂𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡/𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭/𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐞

☆𝑊𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡：3,090

☆𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦：𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐣𝐨𝐛 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐟𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶╔══ ≪ °❈° ≫ ══╗︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"Good morning, Miss. Y/N," the doorman greeted you as you entered through the large revolving glass doors of your office building.

You were currently working as an intern to be a newsreporter and your job was to write exclusively for the "Goût du Paradis" or "A Taste of Heaven," a food segment in a popular French-themed magazine. However, you were in charge of this segment on all platforms, including "the print in the magazine, the article on their blog, and the recording for their vlog," you could hear your manager's voice repeating in your head like a broken record.

Veronica, or Ronnie as you often called her, was probably the chillest manager you've ever seen. She was like a super supportive friend that was also your boss. She always wore her hair in a sleek and sexy bun, leaving out a few strands to frame her face. The mole that sat above her plump lips and her tailored monochrome suits made her look even classier.

You walked over to your desk and logged into your computer to check the stats on your latest post. You had to monitor the engagement activity to make sure that you weren't falling behind on the charts. Sometimes you've had to create an ad that would draw more people to check out your segment or offer an incentive like a free gift card for 5 random readers. The gift card idea was actually more useful than you anticipated, it has helped you so many times that it's become an addition to your write-up.

"So far, so good," you thought to yourself as you sipped on your vanilla latte. "Now, I need to figure out what I'm gonna do next," you scratched your head before opening a new tab.

"Bonjour, darling," Veronica smiled through her thin framed glasses, cutting through your thoughts. "Morning, Ronnie." "I just got a hot new topic for your upcoming article. You can think of the title on your own for this one, but basically you're going to be reviewing this cute petit café. Apparently, it has been around for a few years. But recently it has grown to be very popular and we want to know if it's really worth all the buzz," Veronica slid a yellow filing folder across your desk.

"Oh my god. Thank. You. You're a lifesaver. I was just looking for what I should write about next," you said opening the folder to see whatever information Veronica had already gathered. "Tsk tsk. You give me too much credit. I'm just looking out for you. Plus I'm kinda curious myself," she smirked. "Oh, I have one more surprise for ya," she continued before pulling a dark blue plastic basket from behind her back. "Sapphira's!!" she beamed. "I know how much you love this place, so I bought you breakfast. A grande vanilla-almond latte with extra whipped cream and a cream cheese bagel with fresh fruits."

"Aww, Ronnie. Thanks, but you didn't have to do this. And I already had coffee." "First of all, I'm like your best friend and you know that I'd literally die for you. Second, I know you're drinking that coffee from the lobby. That is not coffee. That is dehydrated rabbit turds ground up with mop water and octopus milk. I have delivered to you treats from the gem gods. So drink up, enjoy your breakfast, and start working on that article ASAP," Veronica said before walking off to her office, leaving behind the basket of goodies.

You were too much in shock to even give a response. You should've been used to it by now, Veronica always said some of the craziest things to make a point.

Before leaving the office you wrote down your usual notes to keep you on track and packed up your fully-charged Nikon Z8 camera. In your opinion, this was the most well rounded camera on the market. You had been using it for all of your past articles and the quality is flawless.

You walked outside and climbed into a taxi that was tainted with the scent of cigarettes, an aroma that singed your nosehairs and made your eyes water. Fortunately, the café was only a 15 minute drive away. However, a 15-minute drive soon became 45-minutes and you had no choice but to roll down a window. Just a little bit of fresh air to relieve you of this metallic, yellow gas chamber.

The driver tried to keep you entertained as the two of you sat in traffic, but it was hard to understand his heavy Brooklyn accent.

"Sorry about this here traffic. I mean, hey, if i could, I'd fly ya right over this mess." "It's okay," you sighed. "Hey, you wanna here a crazy story?" "Sure." "Being a taxi driver comes with a whole lot of wackos. I mean, seriously. There was this one time that I had a guy crawl in the backseat completely wasted. I mean, pissy drunk. Crazy part was that his girlfriend or whatever was sober. She started sucking em' off in the back seat while he was passed out and then he randomly started coughing. My guess is he was about to get off. That's when he uttered this ungodly groan and puked right on the back of her head. But she didn't even stop. She kept on sucking. I kicked them out as soon as I was able to stop because I don't like that type of activity in my car."

"Wow...that's crazy." "I know right. Do you wanna hear another story?" "Umm, no that's alright." "Hehe. Hey, what'dya know. Looks like we're right where you wanna be."

You looked out the window to see the quaint little café. It sat on the corner of a reletively quiet street. The perfect location to feel like you had really traveled to France. Honestly, the entire strip felt like a mini city in Paris.

You payed the taxi driver before stepping out. "He actually wasn't half bad, but that story was crazier than I expected. And the strong scent of cigarettes burned my lungs...thank god for windows. Now, I need to focus. I'm here to write an article," you thought to yourself.

Before entering the café you walked around to take a few pics of the surrounding area. You also made sure to record a few videos to fill in time for a VoiceOver on the vlog.

You tucked your camera into your bag before walking into the café. Immediately, your senses were overwhelmed. The intense aroma of fresh baked bread, coffee, and vanilla filled your nose, while the Gymnopédie No.1 played gently around you. The volume was just loud enough to set the mood without being a distraction, but what was even more beautiful was the interior design. The minimalistic, Euro-Korean vibe was unique and the tables were arranged perfectly. There was plenty of space to move around, and enough seating for about 20-30 people--including the seating outside and the two miniature balconies. It was romantic and whimsical at the same time. The pastel pink walls were adorned with paintings of bikes, flowers, cityscapes, and of course food.

"Maybe this is what keeps people coming back?" you thought to yourself, but you knew deep down that you should always look beyond the surface as a reporter. "I should try some of the food here. Unfortunately, it's already kinda late so I'll only be able to stay for a snack and maybe an early dinner before I have to go back to the office."

Luckily, there were only a few people here today, so you wouldn't have to waste time blurring out the many faces that preffered to stay anoymnous. You walked over to the register to place your order.

"Hello. Welcome to Kape-Café, what would you like to order?"

You were still shuffling through your bag looking for your wallet when the person at the cash register spoke to you.

"Oh ummm--" you stuttered as you looked up. You didn't expect to see a guy that attractive. He literally looked like a model. His skin was like porcelain, so clear that it almost appeared reflective. And his eyes were like pools of honey, both delicate and bold.

"Umm...I'm-I-I-I've never actually been here before, but I'm doing a review on this café. So, I'm not sure about what to order. Do you have any recommendations?" you couldn't believe that you were actually letting a guy you don't even know have this affect on you.

"Pull yourself together girl. You've got a job to do," you tried encouraging yourself.

"Yeah. I can tell you've never been here before," he replied. "How?" "Well, it'd be hard to forget a face like that," you couldn't help but blush upon hearing this. "I'm Sunoo by the way. And you are?" "I'm Y/N." "Well, it's nice to meet you, Y/N. I like to get familiar with my customers. It makes me feel like I have a sort of connection to them, ya know what I mean?" "Yea."

"So, tell me. Are you more of a sweet or savory girl?" "Umm. Well...I like more sweet food than I do savory, but I kinda wanna get a taste of the whole menu here if that's okay." "Oh. Yeah. I get it. Do you have any allergies?" "None that I can think of, why?" "How about I just surprise you?" "Surprise me?" "Yea, I'll surprise you with something savory and something sweet. If you're here to write a review, I want to make sure youre getting the best of both worlds," he winked.

"As tempting as that is, I think I'd like to know what I'm getting into." "Hmm, well how about I bring you one sandwich, one dessert, and one drink? That way you know what you're getting, but at the same time you don't." "Okay, I'll trust you on this one."

"Perfect," he smiled. "You can sit wherever you like and I'll get to work on your order right now." "Wait! I didn't get a chance to pay for it yet." "Don't worry about it. You can pay afterward," he said before heading to the back.

You looked over the menu just to get an idea of the pricing here. "Hmm, it looks like I'll end up paying no more than $20. That's not bad," you strategized to yourself.

"Are you having any trouble decideing on what to order?" A voice asked, but this one was different from the guy at the cash register.

You looked up to see yet another painfully attractive employee.

"Oh, umm...no actually. I've already sorted it out with your co-worker, Sunoo." "Well, I hope you don't mind if I get you something to drink while you wait." "Thank you, but I'm okay. He's already preparing me something and I don't want to bother you." "Are you sure? I really don't mind. I'm working on a new drink anyway, so it'll be free of charge." "Hmm, well alright."

The tall, platinum haired walked behind the counter and began working on your drink.

"Dammit. I didn't even catch his name," you thought to yourself. "Wait. What am I saying. I shouldn't be thinking about dick right now. I'm here for a job and that's what I need to focus on."

You pulled out your camera to take a picture of the menu as well as a few shots from the table. Afterward, you started filming a panoramic video from your seat which was interrupted by the platinum-haired barista walking to your table carrying a wooden tray. Hopefully, the camera didn't catch the way you flinched at his arrival. Either way, you knew that you needed to take another video just in case.

"This looks like a lot more than a drink," you chuckled. "Well, I thought you might want something to eat with it," he continued, placing a small cup and tray in front of you. "These just came out of the oven so be careful." "What are they?" "Minnabuns. They're basically minature cinnamon buns."

"Oh. Cute," you said, examining the treats before tasting a bit of the cream cheese frosting. "Just like you," he smiled as your eyes met. You could feel your face burning up. "Are all the guys here like this? Attractive and flirtatious?" you thought to yourself.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you, but it's true." "Thanks," you smiled shyly. "I’m Sunghoon,” he said extending a hand. “I’m Y/N,” you replied as you held his hand. “Nice to meet you, Y/N,” he said, raising you hand to his lips as he placed a delicate kiss on the back. “You should try your drink while it’s still warm,” he suggested as you reached for the cup. “Ouch!” You quickly pulled your hand back as the cup was much warmer than you anticipated. “Here, let me help,” he said lifting the cup and bringing it to your lips.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD!!!” You screamed internally as Sunghoon looked into your eyes.

You were surprised to taste such flavors. The cappuccino was bold. Coffee just strong enough to taste but not overpower.

He gently pulled the cup away and placed it back on the table.

"How was it? Oh- Hold on," he said as he cupped your chin and wiped the top of your lip. "Sorry, there was foam covering your pretty lips," he smiled. "Oh, uhh, thank you." "You're welcome, Princess. Now you can try my minnabuns. Trust me, you'll love them," he said, picking up one on the minnabuns between his fingers before placing it in your mouth. Your eyes widened as the minnabun--and Sunghoon's fingers--touched your tongue. "Wow! All of this stuff is really good," you thought to yourself.

"It's good huh?" Sunghoon smiled. "Mhm," you nodded your head. "Does the princess want some more--"

"Ah, Sunghoon, this is my customer. You need to go watch the register," Sunoo pouted as he carried a tray over to you. "Oh can't you see I'm in the middle of something?" "I don't care." "Aww you're no fun," Sunghoon said before walking back over to the register.

"Sorry, he's not usually like this," Sunoo said as he placed your order on the table.

"Thank you and it's okay," you smiled.

"But I really can't blame him. You are very pretty and I would love to take you out tonight after my shift to get to know you a little more," he smiled with a lustful look in his eyes. "Well, I'll go and let you enjoy your meal. And don't worry about paying. This one's on us," he continued before walking off.

"Work is gonna have to wait. I am not missing out on an opportunity like this. I can get to it in the morning. The deadline isn't until Thursday anyways," you though to yourself.

After snapping a few pics of your food you ate the tasty meal that Sunoo brought out to you. When you were done, you wrote down a few notes about your day, careful to exclude any spicy details.

You hadn't even noticed hoe the lights were dim and the lobby was completely empty. You gathered your things neatly together in your bag before placing your empty tray on the counter.

Sunghoon came from the kitchen to grab your plates, "I hope you enjoyed yourself," he smiled. "Yes, I did," you replied. Shortly after, Sunoo exited the kitchen door, no longer wearing the white shirt and apron from before. "You ready?" he asked. "Yea," you nodded.

"Just follow me. My car is parked back here, in the employee's lot," he said as he walked you outside. You were surprised to see Sunghoon leaning against the hood of the vehicle. "I hope you weren't expecting to have fun without me Sunny," he huffed with a smirk. "Well it's kinda hard to do that when we live together," Sunoo rolled his eyes. "Yea, whatever," Sunghoon said before hopping in the driver's seat.

"So, where are we going?" "Home, we don't like drinking in public when we have work the next day. But if you want, you can join us on Friday," Sunoo smiled from the passenger seat.

Sunghoon turned up the radio before whispering something in Sunoo's ear. The two of them began exchanged a few hushed words before they both took turns to look at you. "We're almost there," Sunghoon said.

Now you were feeling a bit uneasy about getting into a car with some guys you met the same day, but there was nothing you could do at this point except to hope for the best.

The drove through a neighborhood before finally stopping at a house.

Sunghoon turned the car off and Sunoo stepped out and came around to help you.

After going inside, Sunghoon got some drinks going.

❤️‍🔥: The exact details of how you got to this point are a blur to you now. The last thing you remembered was having one too many drinks and sharing one too many secrets and now you were sandwiched between two guys. Sunghoon fucked your pussy from behind while you sucked the Sunoo's dick. "I love the way you moan on my dick," he smiled, caressing your face before grabbing a handful of your hair. Sunghoon continued to grip your waist tighter as he fucked you harder.

"She's so pretty, isn't she Sunghoon?" "Well all I can see from here is her ass," Sunghoon said before flipping you over on your back. "Hmm, you're right Sunoo, she is very pretty," he continued before going down to play with your pussy. Sunoo kissed your lips and your neck before sucking on your tits. Sunghoon lifted your legs over his shoulders as he continued to eat you out. This cycle of switching and fucking ended after you had gotten off so many times you couldn't even remember your name. :❤️‍🔥

The next morning, they gave you a few treats from the café and dropped you off at work. "Bonjou--Oh, what's got your smiling? Was the café really that good?" Veronica giggled. "It was amazing," you giggled back. "Well you gotta tell me everything." "I think you'll be happy to read my blog," you winked. "Oh my god, what is it you tease? Wait! Is that from the café too? Did you actually go back there this morning? Why can't you just tell me now? I can't wait any longer. I'm literally burning with curiosity." "Hehe, slow down, Ronnie. I'll tell you tonight okay. And yes I did go back this morning." "Hmm okay," she pouted.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶ °❈° ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

❀𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝:

@chlorinecake @hoyeonheeseung @nikohiroshi @sussyjake @furious-eagle @cherrriesss @abbyizzy @weyukinluv @addictedtohobi @thatonenoona @wavykook @givemeyourtmihyun @jaeljn @hoonmywk @valennshit @19-yunalyn @hoonbby @frostedblankets @hoonsyo @no-mannerism @perfectxserendipity @chubbibish @ihrtlix @bunniesforsoobin @thereadersparadise @thatbooknerdfr @aiden2001 @belongstoheeseung @jakeybabe @donut-crazs @rizzhee @nikimeows @woonieees @uarmyxtae @rebecca-johnson-28 @they2luv1naia @isa-2007 @silcry @riverscafe @pearlwhitesoul

[stayevildarling]

Cordelia Goode x Reader - Take my hand, take my whole life too

A/N: I got a lot of requests in the last few days and will work through those. Decided to post a cute little fic with Cordelia in the meantime <3

word count: 1.5k

warnings: none, pure fluff

taglist: @lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward, @lanawinters-ily, @kenzbro, @minaslittleone, @httpfiftyshadesofgay,@whitelotus00, @ninaahs, @vintagepaulson,@isle-of-earle,@paulsonsratched, @stepintomyworld, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @lucyintheskywithxanax,��@fanfics4world, @mymiraclewitch, @hazard-to-myself, @awritersometime

Being a witch at the academy, your days are filled with spells, potions and the study of mystical arts. It was some years ago now, you couldn't remember how long exactly as your time at the coven felt like a whole lifetime. Stumbling upon the now all familiar gates, you never thought you would meet people you share the same fate, magical abilities with and eventually considering them as part of your family.

Amid the incantations and rituals, there had been something occupying your mind more than anything else. The supreme of this coven. After you perfected your magic, she had asked you to help teach some classes and til this day you consider it an honour, walking the academy besides her and sharing some of your knowledge. Standing alongside the most powerful witch on earth, listening to her words as she teaches a younger generations of witches, sharing her knowledge and offering her guidance.

From the first moment you laid eyes on her you were captivated by her beauty. Her thick blonde hair, sometimes a little curly especially in the mornings and the way it most certainly almost smelled like vanilla and honey. Her brown eyes that felt like a maze, you could get lost in them and wherever you were, whatever you were doing that same set of eyes seemed to always meet yours, whether in soft quiet moments or in the midst of chaos breaking loose. You were taken back by her beauty, her grace and her intelligence. It felt like a spell had been cast over you, binding you to her with invisible threads that pulled at your heartstrings with each passing moment.

And so, whenever Cordelia was near, the familiar strains of a melody would echo in your mind, the lyrics playing on repeat like a broken record. It was a constant reminder of the love that burned within you, a love that you dared not speak aloud for fear of rejection. You were always careful with your feelings so far, never wanting to scare the blonde, your love driving her away, however your eyes betrayed you, no matter how subtle you tried to be.

Madison had caught on pretty fast ,,Just fucking tell her'' she would keep telling you but you would shake your head each time.

But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, eventually stretching into years, your infatuation with Cordelia only grew stronger, the lyrics of the song becoming a constant soundtrack to your thoughts. You found yourself daydreaming in class, lost in a haze of longing as you imagined a future where you and Cordelia were together.

,,I can't help falling in love with you'' the lyrics replay in your mind once again as you find yourself sitting beside the supreme, teaching a class. In reality you were supposed to teach this class about potions but when Cordelia decides to check up on her witches, your thoughts completely lose track of your surroundings. The soft perfume lingering around her far too distracting, her soft voice far too distracting as well as her whole being.

The supreme quickly realises that you are clearly distracted by something, as she answers students questions and finishes teaching the class altogether. As all the students leave, you slowly find yourself back in the present and not completely lost in thoughts, so you try your best to clean up after yourself and the witches.

,,Is everything alright?'' Cordelia asks anxiously as she approaches you, her voice filled with genuine concern.

As her brown eyes linger on yours, you consider it for a moment, opening your mouth to respond, however the words quickly get caught in your throat. For a moment you want to tell her everything, how your feelings for her weighed so heavily on your mind, confess your love and lay it all out right in front of you, but you couldn't. The risk of scaring her, losing her far too big. Instead you remain silent, simply nodding her concerns away, before preparing to teach your next classes.

That day Cordelia made a mental note to keep an eye on you, she sensed something wasn't right. You barely talked anymore, seemed distracted all the time but she couldn't put the pieces together. Over the years she grew closer to you, usually close with her girls but you were different. More mature, reliable hence why she trusted you with teaching alongside her. She enjoyed the quiet little moments with you, perfecting spells in the greenhouse, sitting in the garden together in comfortable silence or your daily evening talks over tea, reflecting about the academy and the girls.

The supreme trusted you, never really letting on how she was feeling about something and sometimes when the weight of being the supreme heavily fell on her tired shoulders, you were right there, lifting it off gently by reminding her of the job she is doing and how she was doing it. Your gentle smile always guiding her away from the darkness.

And so for the next few weeks Cordelia observes carefully, hiding away a little as she observes you teaching classes, not noticing anything unusual, just your usual very capable self sharing your knowledge. Little moments in the common room as she hovered nearby, she listens to you rant about subjects with the girls. However the supreme quickly connected the dots, whenever you were in the same room, teaching a class, having dinner, sitting by the fireplace, you were replaced by a much more quieter, distracted version of yourself. Despite her careful observation she still couldn't connect the dots fully.

Despite your best efforts to hide your feelings, Cordelia seems to sense that something was missing. And so as you currently walk around the greenhouse, skipping through pages of several books, perfecting some potions, she catches you humming a tune. Smiling she leans against the doorway, happy to see you this calm and content, the real you coming to the surface away from prying eyes and ears.

,,That's a beautiful song'' she suddenly remarks her voice soft and gentle as she looks at you with a sense of adoration that makes your heart flutter.

You stop in your tracks, gasping a little at her sudden appearance. As she approaches, you feel your cheeks flush with embarrassment, fiddling with the books in front of you. Trying to brush it off and change the subject, you fail as Cordelia continues to walk gentle steps towards you.

,,What is it called sweetheart?'' she asks equally gentle as she stands in front of you.

As you hear her gentle words you feel butterflies in your stomach, your heart pounding a little, hands trembling. ,,I'm not sure'' you stumble over your words. She raises an eyebrow in response to your statement ,,I can't figure out the rest of the song, it's been stuck in my head for quite some time now'' you admit shily and the supreme can't help but chuckle.

Noticing your increasing nervousness, she simply drops the subject for now, leaving you to carry on with what you were initially doing. However, Cordelia can't help herself and unbeknownst to you, lingers by the door a little longer. And if you turned around to see her expression in that moment, you would know. The pure look of adoration and love lingering in her eyes as she watches your gentle and careful movements.

It was the weekend now, all the girls had left the academy for different purposes and so as a result it was you and the supreme. As the both of you didn't have any families to return to over the weekend or anywhere else you'd rather spent your time. That morning you didn't see a lot of Cordelia after breakfast, assuming she was busy you did your own things until you stumbled upon a note in your room.

,,Meet me in the greenhouse tonight- Delia'' you read the lines and couldn't help but feel butterflies erupt in your stomach as well as nervousness slowly consuming you.

And so, as the sun begins to set and the shadows lengthened across the ground, you find yourself in front of the greenhouse, taking a deep breath, before entering, doing your best to hide the trembling of your hands.

And there she stands, graceful as ever, the sunset coating her cheeks, waiting for your arrival. She senses your presence and as she turns around you are met with a twinkle in her eye that you couldn't fully read. Her lips part as she is clearly waiting for some kind of reaction from you.

However oblivious to your surroundings whenever you are with Cordelia, you don't notice the vinyl player in the background at first, an all familiar tune playing.

,,Wise men say, only fools rush in'' the lyrics suddenly dawn on you, as the realisation sinks in, the all familiar tune isn't playing in your head like it usually is whenever seeing Cordelia.

Cordelia approaches you, her eyes sparkling and you can't help but hold back some tears, grateful to be in the presence of her, her beauty quite literally taking your breath away.

,,Is this the song darling?'' she whispers as your cheeks flush in response and all you can do in reply is nod, trying to hide your embarrassment.

As the music fills the air, you feel a rush of emotion wash over you, the lyrics flooding back into your mind with a clarity that leaves you breathless. And as Cordelia meets your eyes again, a knowing smile playing on her lips, you feel a sense of peace settle over you, knowing that she figured it out but no sense of disgust, shame playing on her features.

And then in perfect synchrony with the lyrics of the song, Cordelia reaches out and takes your hands into hers, her touch sending shivers down your spine.

,,Take my hand darling'' she whispers, her voice barely above a whisper. ,,Take my whole life too'' she admits, some tears sparkling in her brown eyes.

As she slowly starts swaying to the song with you, your eyebrows furrow for a moment, whether this was just a dream you were going to wake up from any second. But as you see and feel her so close and so real, you don't care, even if it was a dream, you wanted nothing more than to dance with your supreme.

In that moment, as you stand there hand in hand with Cordelia, surrounded by the soft glow of the greenhouse and the haunting melody of the vinyl, you know that you were exactly where you are meant to be. And as the final notes of the song fades into the night, Cordelia leans in close, pressing her lips to yours in a tender kiss that speaks volumes more than any words ever could.

Cordelia's lips taste like the sweetest forbidden fruit, with a hint of cherry chapstick and as you kiss her, all the pent-up emotions and desires flood through you like a tidal wave. It was as if the universe had conspired to bring you together in that moment, two souls entwined in a dance of passion and longing.

The kiss deepens, becoming more intense with each passing second, as if neither of you could bear to let go. Your hands find their way to her waist, pulling her closer to you as you lost yourself in the sensation of her body pressed against yours.

Finally, breathless and dizzy with desire, you pull away, your eyes meeting Cordelia's in silent communication. There is so much you want to say, so much you want to express, but in that moment, words seem unnecessary. All that matters is the connection you share, the bond that had formed between you.

Cordelia smiles softly, her fingers trailing gently down your cheek as she leans in to press another gentle kiss to your lips. "I've been wanting to do that for so long," she admits, her voice barely above a whisper.

You can't help but smile in return, your heart soaring with happiness at her confession. "Me too," you whisper back, your voice filled with emotion.

,,Tell me about the song, sweet girl'' she whispers in your ear as you stand in each others embraces.

Taking a deep breath you meet her eyes ,,From the first moment I saw you, the melody played in my head'' you admit, now shy and averting your gaze.

However, her hands quickly guide you back to meet her eyes, again sparkling with unshed tears. ,,Every time?'' she asks, unable to believe your statement considering how long the two of you had known each other.

,,Every time'' you reassure, the honesty very visible in your eyes.

And as you stand there together, lost in each other's embrace, you know that this was only the beginning of your journey together. As the record finally comes to a stop, the blonde intertwines your fingers, as she makes her way out of the greenhouse with you and into the night. And as you walk side by side, the stars twinkle overhead like a thousand watchful eyes as the two of you retreat to the comfort and safety of Cordelia's bedroom.

[izuqt]

i. midoriya

tw : 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩, 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘢𝘳, 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘩𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘣𝘩.

" 𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐎 𝐌𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐋𝐄𝐅𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐀𝐘."

Cold.

It's cold.

No matter how many jackets I throw over my body, no matter how many blankets I bury myself underneath, it's still cold.

Ever since the war ended, i've felt cold. The frigid feeling of inadequacy closing in on me like walls of a cramped, claustrophobic room. I feel incomplete, unfulfilled. Everything's over, I saved Tenko, didn't I?

Why do I feel there was still more I could've done? I felt useless in that moment, the split second he was staring at me with a smile. I should've done more. I could've done more. I'm not that useless kid I used to be anymore, I could have crawled deeper through the complicated vehemences of his heart.

But I didn't.

I can't sleep at all, I'm too buried inside of my thoughts to do that. It's all a never ending loop. A loop that feels like it's tearing you apart.

It eats at me. Grabs me by the throat and squeezes me, depriving me of any air I otherwise would've had. It feels like I'm sinking into my bed, like it's swallowing me whole, dragging me down into a never-ending void.

Then I hear my alarm clock. The irritating, deafening sound that's forced me to wake up everyday for a year.

BEEP.

I gasp for air, panting loudly. My head is aching with pain.

BEEP.

it feels like i'm drowning in my thoughts, the lighthearted memories sealed by the thought of Tenko, the only man I failed to save.

BEEP.

Then, I finally wake up. Drenched with a cold sweat, my heart racing like I just ran a marathon. My head's killing me, my eyes are wet with tears. I'm a mess. I'm everything my mother feared I'd become.

I took a deep breath, desperately trying to calm myself down. Over and over like a broken record, I repeated the same thing to myself.

' you're okay. '

again.

' you're okay. '

again.

' you're oka– '

A brief knock on the door.

"Deku? Is everything alright?"

My head shot up, I recognized the voice almost immediately. I threw off my blanket, shivering at the frosty atmosphere of my room. Shakily getting out of bed, I walked over to the door, grabbing the doorknob.

My hands are too sweaty. I can't turn it. Fuck.

"Can you open up the door?"

Give me a fucking second, I'm trying.

I took another deep breath, wiping my tears and trying to look at least a little presentable. I grabbed the doorknob again, slowly turning it.

"..."

"Hi, Uraraka."

The words left my lips sloppily, my vision filling up with tiny little dots. I felt woozy.

"is everything okay?"

"yeah, yeah– shit, I just stood up too fast."

"you sure?"

"mhm."

I hummed, rubbing my eyes lazily. I blinked a few times, staring at the round-faced girl with a concerned expression on her face.

"you've been sleeping all day."

"i know."

"..."

"are you sure everything's okay?"

My eye twitched at her persistence. I know I shouldn't be getting upset, but fuck, I already told her I'm okay.

"yes, i'm okay."

I closed the door, shutting my eyes and taking yet another deep breath.

...

Tenko's face flashed in my mind. Seems I can't even blink without the thought of him fucking my mind over. I leaned against the door, a small pang of guilt attacking my heart as I heard retreating footsteps followed with a sigh.

I'm sorry.

I wish I weren't like this. I wish everything were okay again.

I wish things turned out differently.

...

Sometimes the scars I got from that war starts hurting. I can't help but brush my fingers over them, trying to soothe the pain.

I can't help thinking about Tenko, either. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, he lingers in my mind. Like a parasite, slowly eating away at your brain until you go insane. He was right in front of me. He was so close, but I still managed to fuck everything up.

...

"𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝗼 𝗺𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝗼 𝐬𝐚𝐲."

izuqt.

[your-local-biromantic-ace]

I saw that your requests were open... And i hope you don't mind but can you do a oneshot where james lee finds his "first love" back from highschool they had a relationship but it didn't work out because he was busy with y'know fighting. He's an idol now and finds himself thinking of them all the time.

Meeting again

➤・ James Lee x gender neutral!Reader

➤・ One shot

➤・ ooc James?

⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠂⠄⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠂⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄

:: Author's note ⇐

Heya anon!! Thanks for your request hope you like it!! ^^

⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠂⠄⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠂⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄

There wasn't a single day he didn't think about you.

He missed your laugh, he missed the warmth in your smile, he craved your loving touch, he missed the way the two of you used to hang out together, he missed everything about you. He missed you.

His life as James meant that that he rarely had any free time. Frequently tasked to handle the Generation of circles . And the job he was doing meant that it could not be revealed to anyone, even to you.

・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・

"James. Let's break up"

"I don't think this can work out like this... You're always busy with ...whatever you're doing , it's not like how it used to be... It's like you're moving away from me day by day...And I'm sorry but I don't think this relationship can work out like this"

"I wish you the best, goodbye. "

.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・

Those words repeated in his head like a broken record , making him remember the same ache he felt that day when you said them.His heart shattered that day. It was for the better. The two of you had to split ways eventually, it was better for your sake. Deep down, he wished that the two of you would meet again. Maybe the two of you could try again, this time Dg promised that he would try his best into the relationship. He wouldn't make you feel like that ever again .

That was years before James became Dg, a famous kpop idol and now the CEO of Ptj company. He sometimes wonders what you're doing now, were you the same old you? Or had you completely changed .

"Umm...excuse me... I hope this doesn't come off as rude...are you Dg? " He heard someone say. He was in Gangbuk , coming back from the place after clearing his name. He turned around to see... You.

His heart skipped a beat. You were as beautiful as before. You hadn't changed at all to him . The way his heart fluttered at the sight of you reminded him of the day you first confessed to him. He felt young.

He forced himself out of the trance and immediately spoke

"Y-yes, I'm dg, are you a fan? " He asked, pulling his mask up and fixed his cap.

"Yes! I'm your biggest fan!! I really love your songs —" You spoke, enthusiasm laced in your voice. He could see the stars in your eyes as you spoke to him. Cute.

As much as he liked to listen to you for hours off to no end, he had to cut you off.. Your voice was too loud to not draw attention towards the two of you.

" Sorry for interrupting, but can you keep it down, I don't want to draw attention to myself " James said, rubbing the nape of his neck.

"Ah! Sorry!! I got super excited , can I please get your autograph" You said as you rummaged through you bag and took out a sketch pad and a pen, giving it towards his direction

"It's okay.. And I would love to" James said as he took the pen and sketch pad from you hands and signed on it.

"Here." James handed it back to you.

"Do you want a selfie as well? " He immediately added. Your eyes sparkled as you looked up to him at his offer.

"Omg really? Yes!! " You immediately said, quickly rummaging through your bag again to keep the sketch pad and took out your phone. He stepped a bit closer to you, kneeling down at your level and took off his mask as you held up yor phone, making sure the both of you were in the frame, smile at the camera and took the selfie.

"Thank you sm!! " You said as you stepped away from him to maintain the previous distance and looked at the picture.

James was going to have an heart attack by the way you behaved. It was just too cute . The way you smiled brightly as you looked at your phone was too much for him.

"No need to thank me, after all, it's you fans who made me who I am today "

"By the way do you have any album you like? " James questioned, out of genuine curiosity and also wanting to spend more time with you.

.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・

The both of you sat on a bench in the nearby park. James hearing you pour you heart out in your rambles and you listed out the songs you liked and why you liked them.

"I really like it because it reminded me of an previous relationship I had... " His breath hitched, he looked at you , his eyes widened. You didn't notice it and went on rambling.

"We were friends even before we started dating, it was so fun those days, the way we used to hang out, crack jokes, do dumb stuff together... But it all change once we started to date... He was always busy with something, he started to keep secrets from me and its not like you shouldn't keep secrets at all from your partner... I broke up with him on my own insecurity instead of working it out together... "

"I realised my mistake and tried to reach out to him... But it was like he... He suddenly disappeared from the world.. There was no trace of him anywhere... "

Oh. Oh no. It would only be a matter of time you are under Charles Choi's eye, if you keep on searching for him like that. The truth had to be told to you now before something else happens.

"Y/n...Im James Lee " He blurted out . You immediately stopped you rambling and looked at him, not a thought in your brain .

"Wait how do you know my na— WHAT. " You immediately stood up in shock, eyes widening at the sight of the man in front of you and took a few steps back away him. If it were a webtoon, your hair would be standing like cats hair for a comedic effect.

"Um.. How about we... Go somewhere more private first and I'll explain everything to you" He awkwardly said as he rubbed his neck not moving from his place.

You crossed you hands, narrowing your eyes at him.

"How can I trust you? How can I know that you are not a stalker who somehow knows my ex's name? " You questioned, suspicion very evidently laced in your voice.

This... Surely is a fun way to meet your ex again.

[galedekarios]

I really appreciate you defending our boy so valiantly and with such well thought out, concise arguments! As someone who has ADHD, and has struggled with depression my whole life, I immediately latched onto Gale bc I see so much of myself in him!! There is SO much to love about him and he's one of those characters that helps me be more compassionate to myself (self recognition through the other for the win!) so seeing fans constantly shit on him is disheartening and really annoying, but to see the actual DEVELOPERS talk about "yeah that guy sucks he's SO annoying everyone would be better off if he had just killed himself" is.....ooof.

BUT thankfully when I start feeling really upset we've got blogs like you to ride to our favorite wizard's defense and help celebrate all the things we love about this beautiful, complex character! I hope one day we won't have to work so hard to push back against this negativity towards Gale (and any character that isn't that one who fans and devs have deemed perfect and flawless and the only one that matters...) but as long as we do I appreciate all the work and passion you put in to raising up Gale of Waterdeep!

(and sorry this went on forever I just get really discouraged in this fandom sometimes but seeing your posts always build me right back up and I wanted to let you know what a bright spot you are in my bg3 experience! ^^)

thank you for sending me this message! 🖤

i normally try to ignore these things because at the end of the day, they are meaningless.

but... not only does this come from the devs, but this hit a bit too close to home for me as well.

i've been struggling a lot with depression myself for the better part of a decade now.

i'll try to put my feelings into words bc how they have chosen to respond here and the message they are sending actually upsets me. i know i'm repeating myself at this point so sorry for sounding like a broken record myself, but:

gale is clearly coming out of a depression & self-isolation & struggles with suicidal ideation.

there is absolutely no sugarcoating that.

despite that, once he has no choice but to travel again after he's been abducted by the nautiloid, or perhaps because of it, he can't help himself. he can't isolate himself again. he's happy to talk and connect with not only the protag, but also the companions. he talks a lot, he cooks for them, and yes, sometimes he can be overbearing. he tends to overexplain. he corrects himself for talking too much, being too much. he's very aware of that perception of him and it's still an insecurity of his by the time the epilogue rolls around. it's in the devnotes. it's in the way he thanks the protag for encouraging him to attend the get-together at all.

i thought (foolishly, apparently) that at least the people who created the game and who are colleagues with gale's writer, had the emotional maturity and intelligence to recognise that and also see how that could be something a part of their player base emphasises and connects with.

gale being described as the one who annoys everyone and him dying as the "right" ending, as making up for being perceived as "annoying" by those around him, "inconveniencing" them by being ill and asking for a treatment, and his death being contextualised as "giving" back "to the world" is just...

it's so fucking disgusting to me.

[luckykiwiii101]

Girl, there is no reason to be so mean… like you could at least sweetly reject her! Poor thing, her dad passes away and she wants to know more about affirming. I get the ‘savage personality’ but you should really try to lift others up… 😔

This is exactly why you haven't manifested anything yet 🙄

Be kind!

Hello. I don’t think i’ve replied to an ask about anyone who’s dad passed away? Maybe i missed it, can you send me the link if i have. But I would never be insensitive to someone who is grieving. I usually skim read my asks because I get so many in a day and don’t have time to read them thoroughly.

About the “savage personality”. I’m not being a savage. I understand that I write my posts with an attitude but that is for a reason!!! If somebody genuinely needs my help, they can look at my master list and read posts there! If they have a question that those posts in my master list do no answer then i’m more than happy to help and that is evident on my page!

I’m not going to repeat myself when it is so time consuming to answer asks everyday and run this blog especially during exam season. And of course i’m going to get frustrated when people just ignore me when I tell them to check my master list before asking me a question. I’m sorry that people can’t consider the fact that i’m a human being and i’m busy. I’m not some AI machine that you can ask the same questions on repeat like a broken record. There’s an actual human being behind this blog and people are just abusing my inbox spamming me with the same questions everyday asking me “How do i manifest” “How do I assume” “How do I affirm” As if my master list doesn’t have a whole entire detailed lengthy post dedicated to that specific topic. I didn’t make those posts for no reason. It takes me 2+ hours to make posts sometimes because of how precise and detailed I make them so that you guys can fully understand and for people to just disregard and ignore my work like that whilst proceeding to ask me for more is straight up disrespect. I made my master list so that it is in big bold letters and easy to navigate. People refusing to not read my posts and educate themselves is not my problem. I’m not going to baby them nor let them victimise themselves. They have all the resources they need and they don’t want to use them. If they have a genuine question i’m more than happy to answer unless there’s a post in my master list that answers it.

Maybe you should try running a blog before criticising me like this.

P.S. I’ve manifested many things. “That’s why you haven’t manifested anything yet 🙄” That’s laughable. Turn your anonymity off next time. And you’ve so clearly manifested your dream life. Oh wait I can’t see your blog because your hiding behind the anonymous icon. Keep it going!

Don’t try to school me. I’m not going to answer ignorant people. If you’re mad, then you are that ignorant person that needs to read this message. My gosh.

[mylo-space]

City Nights

Summary: I'm awful at summaries, but it's basically Wukong dragging Macaque into having a conversation with a familiar face. Macaque, like most social interactions, doesn't feel very equipped to handle the situation at all. In other words, I kinda just wanted some Bai He content and since LMK won't give me it, I decided to write it myself.

Posted on Ao3: 2023-08-06 Word Count: 7,002

-

Living in the city had as many drawbacks as it did advantages, both of which being the constant noise and hum of people and cars. A little overwhelming, sometimes, especially during festivals or other big events, but it was mostly just background noise. And if anything odd happened, Macaque was the first to hear. Not necessarily the first to do anything about it, but certainly the first to hear.

The strangest thing was hearing his own name from time to time. It was very rarely, people occasionally referencing him in the Journey to the West or, more commonly, talking about a likeness of his on one of Wukong’s shows. Still, not a common occurrence.

It became a little more common after meeting the kid, though. The noodle shop where MK worked may have been on the other side of the city, but that was nothing to Macaque’s hearing. He didn’t like tuning in on the kid’s conversations or anything, but he did catch the occasional odd sentence or two, a few of which contained his name.

He tried not to think too hard about what the kid might be saying about him. Nothing good, he could assume, but he was never brave enough to snoop. He liked keeping an ear or three out for demons and other threats, but privacy was privacy, and MK was entitled to his.

Which was why it came as such a surprise to hear his name, not just once, but over and over again, coming from the direction of the noodle shop. He dismissed it, promptly trying to tune out the sound and go about his business, getting ready to make dinner.

“Macaque,” a voice cut through the sounds of traffic outside. “Macaque. Macaque, Macaque, Macaque-” It was an incessant, toneless sound. If Macaque hadn’t already dressed down for the night, cozy in a purple sweater, he’d have gone to go do something about it. But, considering who the voice belonged to, he’d decided that he would rather not.

It’d been so long since the Great Sage had called for him, not since they’d lived on Flower Fruit Mountain together. Anywhere Macaque was on the mountainside, he could hear Wukong, the sage never even had to shout. He could simply call, and Macaque would come. It was a habit that Macaque had assumed Wukong grew out of.

“Macaque, Macaque,” Wukong continued to drone. Macaque grumbled to himself and tried to let the sound fade into the noise of city nightlife. Pulling out a small pot and filling it with water, Macaque was determined to enjoy a bowl of noodles and ignore Wukong until he gave up whatever game he was playing.

Except that Wukong was frustratingly stubborn, and never gave up anything easily. “Macaque, Macaque, Macaque,” he repeated like a broken record. “Macaque? Macaque. Macaque, Macaque, Mac, Mac, Mac-”

Macaque turned off the water and slammed the pot down. “Oh, for crying out loud,” he muttered, opening a portal to wherever Wukong was, his shadows searching until they found the familiar auburn energy and ripped open the space in front of it.

Centuries of portaling around the world, and Wukong was still the easiest thing to find.

“Macaque!” He could hear Wukong through the opening portal. “Macaque-”

“What,” Macaque demanded as he emerged from the shadows, rising from the ground and glaring at the sage standing before him, “do you want?”

There didn’t appear to be any danger, just Wukong standing idly in an alley next to the noodle shop. Macaque recognized the color-blocked jacket, the hood pulled up over his ears as he leaned against the shop’s wall.  “Huh,” gold eyes blinked at Macaque in mild surprise, “didn’t think that’d still work.”

“My hearing?” Macaque asked.

“No,” Wukong replied. “Just the…” he trailed off, apparently remembering what he was supposed to be doing. “Uh- anyway,” he nodded to the noodle shop, “the kid’s here.”

Macaque crossed his arms, already annoyed with the sage for interrupting his dinner, and even more so with the vague response he’d received. “Okay? The kid lives here.” He pointed to the neon pink sign hanging on the side of the shop. “And he works here. Obviously, he’s here.”

“No, no,” Wukong waved him off. “The other kid. She’s visiting for the day, and she wanted to invite you to dinner before she leaves.”

Macaque’s brow furrowed. “Wait, the Lady Bone Demon kid?”

“Yep,” Wukong said, cheerfully popping the ‘p’ and pushing himself off the wall. “And now that you’re here, you’re gonna come say ‘hi’. I told MK that you probably wouldn’t show, but-”

“What?” Macaque asked incredulously, following after Wukong just enough to keep the sage in his line of sight, but not enough to leave the safety of the alley. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes,” Wukong emphasized, pausing to look back at Macaque, lowering his voice so that no one could hear them through the shop’s window. It was closed and locked for the night, but the walls looked thin, and the entrance to the shop was more of a wooden curtain than a door, “you are. You’re gonna come say ‘hi’ to the kid.”

Macaque took a definitive step back, away from Wukong and the gentle yellow light seeping through the shop’s door. “No,” he said, “I am not.”

Wukong’s head tipped back with an exasperated sigh. “Aw, come on, talking to a kid isn’t gonna, like, tarnish your ‘bad guy’ rep. Can you drop the act for one night and-”

“This isn’t about my reputation,” Macaque snapped. “It’s barely been a month since-” the words caught in throat, “and I- I’m the last person she needs to be seeing right now. What the hell made you think this was a good idea?”

“First of all,” Wukong started, "my ideas are always good ones.”

“Not even remotely true.” There was a rattling somewhere, the sound of soft footsteps, and Macaque retreated a little further into the alley to stay out of sight. Probably just a nearby pedestrian leaving their house, but Macaque didn’t want to risk being seen. “Historically, most of your ideas are actually really bad ones.”

“Second of all,” the sage continued, “it was her idea. She wants to see you, for some reason.” He shrugged. “I mean, I don’t necessarily approve, and the pig isn’t keen on having you in his shop, but you did kinda save her, so I guess we can make an exception.”

Macaque rolled his eyes. “Okay, I don’t think saved is the right word here,” he said. “It’s not like I got her unpossessed.”

“You caught her, though,” Wukong pointed out. “If I remember right, you were the furthest one away, and you still caught her.”

And while it was true that he had been the furthest from the kid when she fell, Macaque didn’t really see what that had to do with anything. “So, what?”

“So, knock it off with the tough, bad guy act,” Wukong said firmly, “and come say ‘hi’ to the kid you saved. You’re, like, her hero. It won’t kill you to visit for a little bit, and then you can go back to brooding, or whatever it is that you do.”

Growing increasingly frustrated, Macaque protested, “I didn’t save the kid!” He pointed to the noodle shop, a vague gesture to the people inside. “Look, if she knew half the things I did to the people in there, I doubt she’d ever want to see me again. I’m not a hero, Wukong, and I’m not gonna pretend I am just to impress some kid.”

Wukong groaned. “You’re impossible, you know that?” He rounded the corner of the shop, making his way to the door. “If you’re not going to come in, then I’m sending the kid out here to you.”

Macaque scoffed, moving to lean on the corner of the shop and just under the neon sign, keeping Wukong in his sight without being seen by anyone inside. “I’ll be gone before you can get in the shop,” he said, shadows already pooling at his feet.

“Oh, yeah?” Wukong asked, pausing in his steps to give Macaque an expectant look. “Go on, then.” Macaque scowled, Wukong’s expression growing smug as he stayed rooted to the spot. “Her name is Bai He,” the sage provided as he opened the door to the noodle shop. “Don’t move.”

The door opened and closed, warm light spilling into the streets before retreating again. Without Wukong to argue with, the buzz of the city returned to Macaque’s senses. The shop wasn’t located in a particularly busy part of the city, but it was still alive at all hours of the night, rumbling cars and distant headlights, the murmuring of people in their houses.

But Macaque had his own piece of the city, and a pot of water that still needed boiling if he was going to eat dinner at a decent time. Turning away from the noodle shop and taking a few steps into the darkness, he ripped open the space in front of him, a portal appearing to take him home.

And he was stopped by a sound. A series of sounds, all in very rapid succession. Something confused in Wukong’s voice, followed quickly by MK’s startled response, was enough to give Macaque pause, but the sound of a cat meowing was the thing that really made him stop. That, and the sound of a young girl frantically trying to coax it down.

“No,” Macaque muttered. “I’m not doing this.” Despite saying that he wasn’t, however, the portal sealed itself shut, and Macaque began walking. The girl–Bai He, Wukong had said?--must have been a pretty slippery kid if everyone in the noodle shop had seemingly lost track of her.

As the commotion in the noodle shop became more panicked by the second, Macaque rounded the side of the building, peering around the empty streets for the source of everyone‘s concerns.

And, sure enough, illuminated by a nearby streetlamp, was a young girl with her arms outstretched. “Come on,” she tried, attempting to persuade the cat down, though it seemed perfectly content to relax on the awning it’d found. “Not again, kitty, I really need you to come down now.” She gave a half-hearted jump. “They’re gonna notice I’m gone, please, come down.”

Macaque tilted his head back, glaring at the nearly full moon. It stared back at him impassively, as though daring him to walk away.

“Hey,” he said quietly from where he stood in the shadows, taking a few cautious steps forward, but staying out of the streetlamp’s glow. “You’ve got everyone worried in there.”

Bai He jumped at the sound of his voice, giving the street a panicked look around before finding him. “Oh,” she gave a small wave, her gaze averting, never looking directly at Macaque, “hi, um..” She gestured weakly to the stubborn cat. “He just… you know, he's doing cat things.” Macaque hummed. “I only meant to step out for a minute, just- but then my cat jumped up onto this awning and he won’t come down.”

Chuckling a bit, Macaque replied. “Yeah, cats can be pretty stubborn when they wanna be.” He squinted at the orange tabby, his tail flicking idly as he lounged on the awning, completely unaware of the stress he was causing the girl below him. “Here,” he moved a little closer, the shadows around him pushing and pulling into the space around the cat, “hold out your arms.”

“Um…” Bai He reluctantly held out her arms. “What’s this for?”

“You’re gonna catch him,” Macaque replied easily, opening a portal just above the girl’s open hands. “Count of three, alright?” Bai He nodded, looking skeptically at the portal, but had yet to recoil. Which was odd, Macaque thought, since most people were wary of his powers, but he supposed the girl had been exposed to worse things. “One,” he said, shadows solidifying under the cat, “two,” and the cat fell through the shadows with a started yowl, Bai He gasping as he disappeared, “and, three,” Macaque allowed himself a small smile as the cat was deposited neatly into the girl’s arms, both portals sealing themselves closed.

Bai He beamed, gathering the cat into her arms and holding him close to her chest. “Thank you,” she said, nuzzling into the cat’s furry head, “I didn’t think I’d…” Her gaze caught on him again, blinking rapidly as she finally took a good look at who had helped her. “Wait- wait, you’re the-”

“The guy who’s leaving,” Macaque interrupted gently. “I know, I just-”

“You came!” Bai He exclaimed, startling Macaque as she ran up to him. “Mr. Monkey King said you probably wouldn’t, but I’m…” she trailed off, deflating a bit as she registered what he’d said. “Wait, you’re leaving?” she asked. “But you just got here.”

Macaque hesitated, unused to people being upset at his absence. “Well, I-” he cleared his throat, “I thought Wukong was… I guess, I didn’t think you’d actually wanna see me.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you?” Bai He tilted her head. “MK said you’re the one who saved me.”

“Yeah, well,” Macaque shrugged, “MK’s a good kid, but I don’t think he understands that I’m not-” He gestured to the noodle shop, “Look, they’re the real heroes, kiddo, not me. I don’t think I’m someone you wanna be around.”

Bai He frowned. “Why do you get to decide that?”

Macaque blinked. “What-”

“Bai He! There you are,” MK’s voice cut through the quiet city air, “and… Macaque?” he looked relieved upon seeing the girl safe, though his gaze trailed warily to Macaque. “Hey, uh- good to see you, man. Glad I caught you before you disappeared, Monkey King said you were just leaving.”

“Well,” Macaque glanced at the cat in Bai He’s arms, wishing that he could curse the cat for making him stay and help the kid, putting him in a situation he had definitely not prepared for, “I was, but we had a bit of a… cat-related emergency, but I should probably go now, um- didn’t mean to intrude or anything.”

MK frowned. “But we asked you to come.”

“I-” Macaque wasn’t sure how to explain that being invited did not mean that he was welcome. Wukong had already said that the pig didn’t like him there, and he was sure Tang wouldn’t appreciate his presence, either. And Wukong himself seemed exasperated at even having to call him, so, “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” The orange tabby in Bai He’s arms gave an obnoxious meow. “See? The cat agrees.”

“No, he doesn’t!” Bai He protested. The cat meowed again, quickly shushed by the girl holding him. “MK, tell him that we don’t want him to leave.”

“I mean, I don’t want him to leave,” MK agreed, “but it’s not like I can make him stay, either.” He gave a cautious smile. “He’s, uh- a pretty slippery guy, when he wants to be.”

Macaque clapped his hands together. “That settles that, then,” he said. “I’m not going in the shop, and you can’t make me, so-”

“Can I stay out here, then?”

“I’ll just be-” Macaque stopped, the shadows he’d been summoning to make a portal promptly falling back into place. “What?”

“Sure!” MK replied. “I’ll bring you guys some noodles.” He waved them off as he retreated back into the shop. “Be right back! And Macaque,” he narrowed his eyes and jabbed a finger in Macaque’s direction, “you better be nice.”

Affronted, Macaque spluttered, “You- what-”

“Be nice,” MK warned, though there was a lilt of playfulness that suggested that MK didn’t actually believe Macaque was going to do anything. “I’ll be back when Pigsy finishes up the noodles.” And, frustratingly enough, MK disappeared before Macaque could give a retort.

Macaque sighed. “Ah, that kid.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen, Bai He, right? I don’t… I don’t know what you’re expecting here, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be around.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, regretting the lack of scarf to hide in. “I’m not the sort of company people like to keep.”

Bai He made a noise of disagreement. “MK says you’re actually kinda nice, and you’re only pretend mean.”

“No, MK is nice,” Macaque corrected. “And he’s giving me more credit than I deserve.” He shook his head. “But you’re the one that wanted me here, I guess, so… color me curious.” Nodding to the sidewalk. “Wanna sit while we wait for the noodle delivery boy?”

“Did you make a portal?” Bai He asked, taking a seat on the sidewalk. The change in subject was sudden, but Macaque wouldn’t complain. “To catch my cat, I mean. It looked like a portal.”

Macaque nodded. “Yep. I can, uh-” he held out a hand, opening it slowly to reveal a small mass of shadows dancing across the lines of his palm, “well, I can do a lot of things, but, yeah. Portals.”

“Monkey King can shapeshift,” Bai He added, her cat curling in her lap with a content purr. “Can you shapeshift, too?”

It was probably the easiest thing that Macaque knew how to do, shifting his shape to suit his needs. “I mean, I wouldn’t go comparing my powers to Wukong’s,” because while there were similarities, there were also a great number of differences, “but, yes. I can shapeshift.”

“How come you never tried to portal away from me?” Bai He asked. “Or- or turn into a bird, and fly away? You could do that, right? I think I seen you turn into a bird before.”

At that, Macaque tilted his head. “I’m… not sure I’m following, kiddo. I mean, yeah, I could turn into a bird, but I don’t need to fly away from you. Or portal away from you.”

“Not me,” Bai He glanced away. “You know, me. When I was… not me.”

“Oh,” Macaque said in surprise. It hadn’t occurred to him that Bai He might remember some bits and pieces of being possessed. Wukong certainly did, moments where the Lady Bone Demon’s hold on him had been weakened for just a few seconds, but, “Listen, kiddo, we don’t have to talk about all that.”

Bai He nodded. “I know. But,” she glanced up hesitantly, “can we?” Her teeth dug into her bottom lip anxiously. “I tried talking to MK about it, but I don’t… I don’t think he likes talking about it too much. I think I make him nervous.”

All Macaque had wanted was a nice, quiet night in. He’d wanted to make himself a bowl of noodles and fall asleep to the sounds of the city. Whatever this was, he hadn’t been prepared for it in the slightest. “It’s not you, really. It wasn’t you.” He took a seat next to Bai He, though he was sure to leave some distance between them. “MK tends to, uh… not talk about a lot of things.”

“I talk to Sandy sometimes,” Bai He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and Macaque couldn’t help but notice the streaks of snow-white that bled into the dark strands. “He’s really nice, and he has lots of cats.”

Macaque offered a small smile. “It’s, uh- good that you’re talking to someone.” He remembered advising MK about something similar, about getting it all out. Macaque had always been good at giving advice, but never at following his own.

“But still I feel bad,” Bai He said, “and I know I wasn’t- she wasn’t very nice. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember that I was mean.” Macaque set his jaw, refusing to let even a twitch of emotion betray him. Bai He clearly needed to talk, and she didn’t need to see Macaque upset about it. “I think I was mean to the whole world.”

“She was,” Macaque corrected, “but you were just-”

“And I think I was really mean to you.” Bai He looked up at him, something sad and apologetic shining in her eyes. “Or- she was, I guess.”

Macaque took a slow breath. “You don’t need to worry about what she was to me,” he said carefully. “I- are you sure you don't want to go in and enjoy a nice dinner with… nicer people? I’m sure there’s someone better to talk to about this. Wukong is a certified hero,” he gave the word a pair of air quotes, as he didn’t believe in the title as much as the rest of the world did, “wouldn’t you rather-”

Bai He made a face. “I think the Monkey King almost killed me.” Macaque’s heart twisted at the words. He knew Wukong might have been capable of it, with the Lady Bone Demon’s power steadily weakening the way it had been. If it had come down to it, Macaque had no doubt–absolutely zero doubt–that Wukong would have killed the young girl sitting beside him if it’d meant saving the world. “It’s weird talking to him.”

“I get that,” Macaque replied. “I don’t really talk to the guy, either.” He leaned back on his hands. “I dunno if you’ve ever noticed, but he’s kinda full of himself.” At that, Bai He gave a small laugh, which Macaque felt a weird sort of accomplishment about. “Did you know his whole title is the Handsome Monkey King? He made it up himself, no surprise there.” And Bai He exploded at that, laughing hard enough that her voice gave way to a series of high-pitched giggles. “You good, there, Squeaker?”

Nodding, Bai He gasped for breath. “I’m okay, I’m okay.” She let out a slow exhale and went back to petting the cat in her lap. “So, who do you talk to?” she asked, her bout of laughing apparently not distracting enough to stray her from the conversation. “I talk to Sandy, but-”

“No, see, I,” Macaque said, “don’t need to talk to anyone about this kind of stuff.”

Face scrunched in thought, Bai He made an unsure sound, “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Sure, it is,” Macaque replied. “Because I say so.”

“Could you talk to me?” Bai He asked hopefully.

“I am talking to you,” Macaque pointed out. “We’re talking.” The sound of Pigsy’s voice caught his attention, informing MK that two bowls of noodles were ready to go. He could hear MK take the noodles, and then hesitate, and then he started passing the bowls off to someone. “And… I think MK is sending Wukong with our noodles.”

“The Monkey King?”

With a hum of confirmation, Macaque glanced up to the roof of the noodle shop, an idea coming to mind. “Wanna do something really funny?” he asked. “Maybe try out a portal?”

An excited gasp left Bai He. “Yes!” She jumped up, keeping a secure, gentle grasp on her cat as she stood. “Yes, I want to try a portal!”

Macaque laughed. “Alright, then.” He rose to his feet and summoned a portal to the roof. “Come on, Squeaker. Let’s give ol’ Monkey King the slip, huh?”

Despite her earlier giddiness, once presented with the swirling pool of darkness, Bai He suddenly had a look of trepidation on her face. “Um… it’s safe to go through that, right?” And Macaque couldn’t blame her. He’d been wary of his powers at first, too. It was intimidating to take a blind step into the darkness.

“Of course,” Macaque replied, taking a step forward and shoving his hand through the portal, “nothing to worry about.” He pulled his hand back out to show his unscathed palm. “Just a little shadow magic. Perfectly harmless.” Unless Macaque was pissed, of course, then there were plenty of ways to harm someone with a shadow. Not that Bai He needed to know that.

Bai He shifted to hold her cat in one arm, and reached her free hand towards the portal, just barely grazing her fingers across it before recoiling slightly in surprise. “It’s cold.”

“Ah,” Macaque said awkwardly, “sorry, it’s…” he trailed off as Bai He brought her hand back to the portal, pawing at the shadows curiously.

“It’s like standing in the shade,” Bai He said in wonder, “is it like that all the time?”

“Most of the time,” and it was. Macaque had always found comfort in the shadows, a refuge from an otherwise bright and deafening world. There were days, though, when the darkness was a cold and suffocating presence that rooted itself in his chest. Still not something a child needed to know, though. “You ready?”

Taking a deep breath, Bai He nodded and held out her hand to Macaque. “I’m ready.”

It was such a simple gesture, an unsure child doing something for the very first time, requesting guidance. A hand to hold. And she was asking Macaque. It wasn’t a level of trust that he was accustomed to being given–not anymore, at least–and for a moment, all he could do was stare.

Then he heard the noodle shop’s door begin to open, the heavy sound of Wukong’s footsteps making their way outside. “Alright,” he offered his hand, allowing Bai He to take it, small fingers curling around his, “let’s go.”

Traveling through the shadows was as easy as breathing, if a little disorienting the first time. Bai He stepped through the portal with him and stumbled a bit as they landed on the roof of the noodle shop. “Woah,” she watched as the portal closed, “that was so cool.” Her hand slipped out of his as she took a walk around the rooftop. “You do this all the time?”

“Gets me places quicker.” He peered over the side of the roof, watching Wukong appear with two bowls of noodles in his hands. “There he is,” he waved Bai He over. “What do you say we prank the Monkey King?”

Bai He brightened. “What are we going to do?”

“Watch this.” Macaque summoned a clone from the alleyway shadows, eyes glowing an eerie purple in the moonlight. It appeared silently, just behind an unsuspecting Wukong, and tapped on his shoulder playfully before vanishing.

“Hey!” Wukong whirled around, as much as he could with two bowls of noodles. “Hello? Macaque?”

Another clone rose from the ground, watching Wukong in a vague reflection of Macaque's own amusement. It looked up to the rooftop and waved to Bai He. Then it gave Wukong another soft tap on the shoulder before sinking back into the darkness.

“Macaque!” Wukong exclaimed, turning in circles, looking for the culprit. “Very funny, you- sneaky little… shadow thing-” another clone placed a hand between Wukong’s shoulder blades and gave him a soft nudge. “Dude!”

Macaque felt a tug on his sleeve, and glanced down to see Bai He staring up at him, eyes sparkling with barely suppressed laughter. “Can we-” she giggled, “can we have our noodles now?”

“Sure thing, Squeaker.” He summoned another clone to appear right in front of Wukong, who scowled at it. When it held out its hands for the noodles, Wukong hesitantly handed them over. Then the clone disappeared into the shadows, reappearing next to Bai He on the roof and leaving Wukong at a loss on the ground.

Bai He set down her cat and took a bowl of noodles from the shadow clone. “Thank you,” she said, taking hold of the chopsticks that were set in the bowl. The clone blinked, then passed Macaque his bowl of noodles, and disappeared. “I didn’t know you could make clones.”

“I can do lots of things,” Macaque replied easily.

“You!” Wukong’s voice echoed off the walls. Macaque glanced down to see Wukong glaring up at him, hands set sternly on his hips. “What are you doing up there?”

“Hi, Mr. Monkey King!” Bai He peeked over the side of the roof. “I’m on the roof!”

Wukong sighed. “Yeah, I can see that.” He squinted up at them. “You okay up there, kid? Need me to come get you?”

Bai He shook her head. “No, I’m okay! It’s fun up here!”

“Hear that, Mr. Monkey King?” Macaque taunted. “All good.” If Wukong was going to put Macaque through the trouble of traveling halfway across the city, then he was absolutely going to make the whole thing as annoying as possible for the sage. “Thanks for the noodle delivery.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Wukong rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome, I guess.” He looked to Bai He. “You holler if you need anything, okay, kid? I can send MK out and check on you in a few minutes.”

“Okay!” Bai He said agreeably, “But I think I’ll be okay with Mr. Macaque for a little bit.”

“If you’re sure,” Wukong stepped away, back towards the door of the noodle shop. “Guess I’ll leave you guys to it, then.” His gaze caught Macaque’s for a brief moment, gold eyes searching his expression before turning away. “Better not start scheming up there.”

Bai He grinned. “Scheming?”

“No,” Wukong said quickly. “I said no scheming!”

Macaque hummed. “Well, maybe a tiny bit of scheming. Little scheming never hurt nobody.”

“You’re a terrible influence,” Wukong called up to him. “I’ll tell MK!”

Gasping, Bai He set down her bowl and happily bounced on her heels, “Yes! Can MK come up here and scheme with us? And Mei?”

“No!” Wukong protested. “You-” he gave an exasperated sigh. “Macaque-”

“Oh, relax,” Macaque reassured him. “I’ll get Squeaker down, safe and sound. No schemes.” Another clone emerged from the shadows behind Wukong as he said the words, prompting a giggle from Bai He. “Absolutely no schemes, at all, whatsoever.”

Wukong’s eyes narrowed, and Macaque raised an eyebrow in response. The clone behind Wukong made a face, which got another smothered laugh from Bai He. “Fine,” Wukong said, ”but!” he jabbed a finger in Macaque’s direction, which the clone immediately copied, much to Bai He’s amusement. “I’m still gonna send MK out here to check on you guys later.”

Macaque and Bai He bit their tongues as Wukong retreated, the shadow clone following after him in an amusing mockery of his walk. They waited with bated breath until Wukong had moved from their line of sight, then Macaque recalled the clone to the shadows, and Bai He nearly collapsed with laughter.

It’d been a while since Macaque had gotten anyone to laugh like that. The last person he’d gotten to even enjoy his company was MK, and it was only for training under false pretenses. Maybe he had the option to do something about that, with the impending danger of the Lady Bone Demon subsided, but Macaque also knew how it felt to be betrayed, and he doubted MK would be okay with anything resembling friendship.

“You need to eat your noodles, Squeaker,” Macaque told his giggling rooftop companion, taking a seat to start in on his own bowl. “It’s gonna get cold.”

“Okay, okay,” Bai He managed, sitting up and grabbing the bowl she’d set down. “Mr. Pig makes really good noodles.”

Macaque nodded agreeably, taking a bite of dinner he’d been given. “Guess he’s got his own restaurant for a reason.” The meal was certainly better than anything he would have made himself. “Can’t remember the last time I had a home cooked meal like this.”

“Maybe you should come around more often,” Bai He suggested, scooping up another bite with her chopsticks. “I think MK would like it if you did.”

“Huh…” Macaque shifted, unsure of how to feel about that statement. “Maybe- I don’t know. Maybe I should.”

With that, Bai He seemed content to sit and eat her noodles. Macaque, with the sounds of the city floating around the night air, very begrudgingly enjoyed his dinner. He hated to admit it, but he was glad that Wukong had interrupted the meal he had been about to make for himself. The whole visit, really, hadn’t been the grating experience Macaque had expected it to be.

“You know,” Bai He said suddenly, swirling the broth in her nearly empty bowl. “I don’t know why Mr. Monkey King said you were weird and broody. You’re actually really fun.”

“Eh, he’s got his reasons,” Macaque answered. “We don’t really get along, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Bai He set aside her bowl, reaching out a hand to pet her cat, who pressed into her affection gratefully before flopping onto his side. “I think you guys should get along better.”

Macaque chuckled. “Think so, huh?” He tapped his chopsticks idly against his bowl. “I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” Which wasn’t something he’d admit to Wukong or MK and, when he thought about it, he wasn’t sure why he’d admitted it to Bai He, but he was surprised to find that it was the truth.

Although, maybe it shouldn’t have been too much of a surprise, all things considered. They’d been friends before, and it wasn’t impossible that they could be friends again someday.

“Maybe when he stops being so hard-headed,” Macaque mused. “Which will be pretty tough, considering he’s made of stone.”

“He is?” Bai He asked. “I didn’t know people could be rocks.”

“It’s just Wukong, as far as I know,” Macaque said, stacking his bowl on Bai He’s and moving them so that they were out of the way. “Never met anyone else made of stone, anyway.”

Bai He tilted her head at him, scooting so that they were sitting side by side, and settled against the small wall bordering the roof. “What are you made of?”

Macaque shrugged. “I’m just flesh and blood, kid, not made of anything special.” It was something Wukong had complained about pretty often, back in the day. Constantly trying to readjust Macaque’s armor, fussing over every scratch and bruise, Macaque was pretty sure Wukong was more upset about the lack of stone skin than he was.

But that was a long time ago.

“Have you and Monkey King known each other very long?” Bai He asked. “You guys seem to know each other.”

“That’s…” Macaque hesitated, “a really complicated question, but, uh- the short answer is, ‘yes’. We used to be pretty close, like, a thousand years ago, give or take.”

“A thousand?” Bai He’s face scrunched. “You guys are old.”

Macaque spluttered, the sound somewhere between shock and a strangled laugh. “Oh, yeah? And what are you, six?”

“I’m eleven!” Bai He protested.

“Hm?” Macaque hummed. “Seven, you say? Well, I was pretty close.”

“No,” Bai He put a hand on his shoulder and shook him. “I said I’m eleven.”

“Yeah, seven,” Macaque replied, “that’s what I said.” Which only earned him another protest and a half-hearted shove. “Woah, there! Anybody ever tell you that you’re pretty tough for a seven year old?”

Bai He’s cat, which had been settled beside her rather peacefully, gave a plaintive meow as she attempted to tackle Macaque, though it mostly amounted to her pulling on Macaque’s arm and demanding, “Say I’m eleven! E-lev-en,” she emphasized.

“Oh, yeah?” Macaque stood, with Bai He still clinging to his arm. “And what are you gonna do if I don’t?” She squealed in delight as she dangled above the ground, swinging her legs in a playful attempt at kicking Macaque. “Looks like we got two monkeys on the roof, now.” He moved around the rooftop carefully, gently swaying his arm to jostle Bai He. “You sure you’re not hiding a tail somewhere? You’re swinging like a pro, Squeaker.”

“Hey, Macaque!” Macaque’s ears flicked to the sound of MK’s voice. He could hear the iron rod briefly hit the ground, and then Wukong’s protege was rocketing over the side of the roof. “Monkey King said to-” he paused upon seeing Bai He dangling from Macaque’s arm, a smile slowly stretching across his face. “to, uh- check on you.”

Macaque squinted at MK. “Not a word.”

MK lifted his hands in surrender. “I didn’t say anything!” he exclaimed, though Macaque could hear his voice waver from suppressed laughter. Then he tilted his staff to point in the general area to his left.  “Monkey King will probably have something to say about it, though.”

As if on cue, Macaque could hear a cloud being whisked from the night sky. Macaque didn’t have nearly enough time to try and detach the child swinging from his arm before Wukong was appearing over the side of the roof, floating on a wispy gray cloud. “Is everything okay up-” he blinked at Macaque and Bai He, “uh… you having fun there?”

“Yep!” Bai He chirped, dropping from Macaque’s arm and beaming up at Wukong. “I think you should invite Mr. Macaque every time I come over. He’s a lot of fun.”

Wukong’s lips quirked in a barely concealed smile. “Oh, is he?” Macaque glared, though it didn’t appear to have the effect he wanted. “Well, we’ll talk about inviting Mr. Macaque next time, alright? I think you gotta get back home.”

“Aw,” Bai He pouted, “really? Do I have to?”

MK gave her a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, it’s getting pretty late.” He crouched so that he was eye level with Bai He. “But, hey! We can meet up again real soon, okay? Mei and I could take you to the arcade!”

Looking somewhat less deflated, Bai He nodded. “Okay.”

“Alright, then,” MK straightened and walked to the edge of the roof. “Let’s go ahead and get you down, and then I’ll take you home.”

Bai He gasped. “Wait!” She turned and ran back to Macaque. Expecting a goodbye, Macaque lifted a hand to wave, only to be met with Bai He’s entire weight barreling into him, arms thrown around his waist and face buried in his purple sweater.

Despite the fact that Bai He couldn’t have weighed more than seventy pounds soaking wet, all the breath left Macaque at the impact. At a complete loss of what to do, Macaque gave her a cautious pat on the head. “I, uh… I’ll see you later, Squeaker.” Bai He nodded into his sweater, giving him a squeeze before pulling away.

“Tell Pigsy I’ll be back to help clean up in, like, fifteen minutes,” MK said, scooping up Bai He’s cat and handing him to his owner. “Ready?”

“Mm-hm,” Bai He said, waving to the celestial primates with the hand not holding her cat as MK picked her up and prepared to get her off the roof. “Bye, Mr. Monkey King! Bye, Mr. Macaque!"

Macaque watched as MK’s staff stretched to the ground below, acting as a rather effective elevator for getting himself and Bai He down. Wukong was a persistent presence, floating on his cloud and staring at Macaque expectantly, though Macaque waited until he heard MK’s delivery car start up before directing his gaze to the sage.

Wukong, the smug bastard, simply grinned at him. “The last person she needs to be talking to, huh?”

“Shut up,” Macaque said, picking up his and Bai He’s empty bowls. “I didn’t actually plan on sticking around. She just needed help with her cat.”

“If you say so,” Wukong drawled. “You enjoy your noodles?”

“I enjoyed when the rooftop didn’t have you on it,” Macaque muttered, dropping the bowls through a portal, hoping that the resulting clatter into the sink didn’t startle anyone in the shop too badly.

Wukong hummed. “Technically, I’m not on the roof.” He gestured to the cloud he was lounging on. “I’m floating above the roof.”

“Whatever,” Macaque crossed his arms. “Look, you got what you wanted, alright? I came here, I said ‘hi’ to Squeaker-”

“That’s adorable, by the way,” Wukong interrupted.

“So, I’m going home,” Macaque continued sharply. “And if you so much as breathe a syllable of my name in the next few days, I’m opening a portal to the ocean and dropping you in.”

Leaning back against his cloud, Wukong relented, “Fine, fine.” He waved Macaque off. “Go back to your dojo of brooding, I guess.”

“Gladly,” Macaque replied, the shadows around him solidified into a portal leading home. “And…” he hesitated for a moment, “I guess, I wouldn’t mind visiting again.” He cleared his throat, expecting some kind of rebuttal. “If that’s alright with the Great Sage.”

“Hey, fine by me,” Wukong said flippantly, much to Macaque’s surprise. “Just keep the scheming to a minimum, and I don’t really care what you do.”

Macaque nodded slowly. “Right. Well,” he took a step towards the portal, “guess I’ll see you when I see you.”

“Here’s hoping it’s not because of the end of the world,” Wukong replied. “Again.”

Huffing out a laugh, Macaque retreated into the portal. “Here’s hoping.”

If the sage had a response, Macaque didn’t hear it, already stepping into the quiet halls of his dojo. It was almost eerie, the near silence that his safehouse offered, and Macaque sighed as the portal behind him closed. He’d long since grown used to the quiet, and having nothing but city sounds to keep him company, but… he could admit that having actual company to share a meal with hadn’t been the worst thing.

The pot he’d been preparing for his dinner still sat on the counter, and as Macaque poured the water out and put the utensil away, he wondered if Wukong truly meant what he said. If Wukong truly didn’t mind what Macaque did, so long as it was nothing malicious, would he object to Macaque visiting MK and his friends? If he appeared on Flower Fruit Mountain, would he be immediately turned away? How tolerant of Macaque would Wukong be, and–perhaps the trickier question–would Macaque be able to deal with Wukong?

Questions for another time, he supposed. For the moment, he was content to find something not Monkey King related to watch on TV and listen to the dull roar of city nightlife until he fell asleep.

And maybe next time he heard Wukong calling his name about something or another, he’d be just a little less annoyed about it.

[autistichalsin]

I'm really fucking tired.

All I wanted was a space to obsess over a fictional man, who brought me a ton of healing, in peace.

This group has made it their mission to chase not only me away, but anyone associated with me. They called me a rape fetishizer for writing CNC fic. They called me a pedophile for making an omega Halsin headcanon. They called me a self-hating lesbian/lesbophobic for saying it's TERFy to demonize queer male sexuality. They mocked my abuse by my mom, and when called on it, laughed that I deserved it for saying how Mint's actions remind me of her sometimes. They accused me of retraumatizing myself because of the fic I wrote, when THEY were the ones who retraumatized me by causing me to have a flashback to my mom abusing me. They accused me of absolutely vile things, and today they questioned if I even was "really" abused because of the fic I wrote. They repeatedly mocked my special interests and then got offended and played victim when I said this was ableist. They've sent suicide bait to me and my friends.

They've harassed others: they harassed a bi SH fan for asking them to stop saying it was icky to ship her with men until she left the fandom, they harassed someone who made a mod to turn Scratch into Astarion so they could see the animations (even calling this person as bad as Cazador), they harassed someone for making a headcanon about Astarion dancing with Tav, they harassed a lesbian who herself headcanons Karlach as a lesbian and doesn't like Karlach/Dammon but explained why others do, they harassed my friend Mish for saying she was okay with me writing CNC, they sent suicide bait to another friend of mine and said she deserved to get raped so she would sympathize with Mint, causing her to have a mental breakdown and have to go to the hospital for 24 hours, and every time someone pushes back against them, this group weaponizes their identity by saying that person is bigoted against their identity- while ignoring (at best) the marginalized identities that person has, or at worst, furthering oppression against them (I.E. their repeated ableist comments, including one of them snarling at another user about "enjoying your grippy sock vacation")

And despite all these vile things this group of people have done, people are still believing them and sending more harassment to myself and my friends in their defense.

I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of defending myself. I'm tired of losing people I considered friends to their lies. I'm tired of having my inbox invaded by these vile people.

They are wearing at my mental health and this already made me relapse on one of my addictive behaviors and I am fighting really hard not to do the other one. I'm tired. I loved this fandom and I loved contributing my ideas. I get so many messages from people saying I made them feel seen or made them connect to Halsin's character, and getting a message from a survivor that my posts gave them the words they were lacking for what happened to them and they were able to work through it in counseling was honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me. I really don't want to lose that. Ever. But I can't keep doing this.

I'm not bigoted to my own identity. I don't hurt people. I don't fetishize rape. I'm tired of being a broken record and not being believed because that group is so good at fragilizing themselves. I can't do it anymore.

I just wanted to share my thoughts about a fictional bear man because it made me happy and so many parts of him gave me courage. I wanted to give up cynicism like he did. I wanted to find his strength to take care of people.

But I am honestly very close to regretting ever joining this fandom. I have gained so much from it, it helped my mental health immensely, but this shit has put me in an even WORSE place mentally than i was before I joined.

I don't know what to do. I'm just tired of the way, no matter how much I epitomize "living your best life" I get treatment from these people that I honestly wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I have a lot of painful feelings right now and I don't know what to do anymore. It just hurts and I think everyone would be better off if I'd never made this blog to begin with.

[fluffytriceratops]

𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 - 𝐚. 𝐦𝐢𝐲𝐚 [chapter four]

chapter four: "𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚞𝚌𝚎."

notes: as a fellow over thinker, i relate to y/n a lot in this one. also- sorry these chapters are taking so long to come out ajdkfgjhdkfgjh- i'll try to do better. also i'm very rusty so this is kinda shit. <3 

chapter three: "there he is, mr. america."

no longer posting chapters on tumblr, if you want to read the rest of the story you can find it on wattpad, ao3, and quotev. [click each link to read-]

««•◦ ✪ ◦•»» Y/n tried to pay attention to Bokuto, she really, truly did. However, her mind had other plans. She kept thinking about what was going to happen afterwards. Would he come up to her and talk with her? Ask why she was here? What if he thought she was stalking him? She wasn't sure if she was even ready to strike up a conversation with the guy! Not a proper one anyway.

"Relax," Keiji had managed to soothe her. She honestly didn't know what she would do if he wasn't here. Oh god, imagine if she was here alone. It would've been absolutely horrendous. She was sure of it.

"I'm trying." She muttered, knee bouncing more than before. She was fiddling with the zipper on her (Kuroo's) sweater, zipping it up and down continuously. This was a mistake. Repeated in her head like a broken record.

"He's a decent guy, and like you said, you apologized already. You don't have anything to be nervous about." Akaashi tried to reassure her, but he knew whatever he would say would go in one ear and right out the other.

There's plenty to be nervous of. Y/n thought, but couldn't find the courage to voice it. Instead she nodded and said, "Yeah..."

Practice was over a lot sooner than she would have liked. And she really did try to pay attention to Bo, but she couldn't stop her gaze from moving towards Atsumu. Like a moth drawn to a flame.

And sometimes he'd catch her gaze in return and she'd quickly look else where so she wouldn't get caught.

It was like he knew she was watching him, but honestly, she couldn't help herself.

While the team cleaned up the court and themselves, Y/n and Akaashi waited outside for Bo and whoever else to join them. Normally she would have offered to help clean up, but she was far too anxious and could really use some fresh air. She leaned back against the building, Keiji at her side doing the same. Her gaze was on the sky as she tried to focus on anything, literally anything, other than Atsumu.

"It's not like he's going to bite you," Y/n snorted at Akaashi's words, dropping her gaze to meet his. "No shit."

"I'm just.." He waited patiently for her to speak, allowing the female to take her time. "I don't really know what I was expecting to come out of this? It just feels like.. there's some kind of pressure around us meeting now. Or uh.. meeting formally." She shrugged.

"And I'm worried that I'll say something stupid and embarrass myself. More than I already have. He probably thinks I'm a creep." She deadpanned, lifting her hands to press against her warm face.

Keiji opened his mouth to respond but was cut off before he got the chance. "Y/n! Akaashi! Did you see me play! I DID SO MANY COOL SPIKES!!"

The e/c eyed girl's lip upturned at the sound of Kōtarō's voice. She couldn't help but giggle and turned to face him as he came racing over, a few of his teammates trailing behind. "I did! You were amazing, Bo!"

Kōtarō's cheeks flushed at her praise and he excitedly looped an arm around her shoulders. Y/n laughed some more as she was pulled against him. She too wrapped an arm around him. Forgetting about Atsumu for a few shorts seconds altogether. "I'm so happy you guys were able to make it!" he chirped, sending his famous grin to Akaashi as well.

"Me too! It's been too long. I missed watching you guy's play. Kuroo said he'd stop by next time and bring you a snack since he missed it." Y/n used to watch Bokuto play a lot more often, but now she was so busy she didn't get as many opportunities as before. It was kind of sad but she made up for it by bribing him with snacks.

"Alright! That's awesome!"

"Oh! Lemme introduce you!" He whirled around to face the few of his friend's who had joined him. She wasn't sure if they were planning on doing anything or not, but she didn't really get a chance to ask. The only one she really recognized was Hinata, and honestly the rest of their names kinda passed over her head. She knew she had met a couple of them before, but Y/n had never been very good with remembering names. Y/n embraced Shōyō joyously, laughing as he told her of his own plays, making all kinds of noises in the process. "And this is Miya Atsumu!"

Her gaze flicked up to the blonde, it wasn't that she hadn't noticed he was there, she just simply ignored him. Was that rude? Maybe?? It was probably best she didn't acknowledge the whole ass smacking thing, so she decided not to mention it. "Hello, it's nice to meet you!"

Of course he recognized her instantly. When a cute girl accidentally hits you in the ass, you tend to remember her.

His lips upturned in a cheeky grin, clearly amused as he replied. "You're in one of my classes, right?" 

Y/n's cheeks instantly heated and she did her best to keep herself composed despite the fact that she wanted to dissolve into nothing. "Yeah, I think so. You do look familiar but that might be because I've seen you and Bo play together." 

Just keep it cool... Maybe he doesn't fully recognize you?

"You're the girl who slapped my ass, right?" 

OKAY HE REMEMBERS- HE DEFINITELY FUCKING REMEMBERS- 

Bokuto wheezed and a few of his teammates shared a look of both amusement and confusion. Y/n wanted to die. And definitely looked like it too. 

"Nngg- No- that- hah you must have got me mistaken with someone else..." She waved him off, trying to seem nonchalant and failing miserably. Y/n just hoped Atsumu would drop the subject and they would move on- 

"I don't think so. You slapped it during that one time in our buisiness class with Miss. Sato." His head tilted to the side and that cheeky grin of his melted into a smirk- that she may or may not have found extremely attractive- 

Y/n blinked. Mouth partially open as she tried to find the right words to express herself. Something that she wouldn't regret saying later. 

"Your booty must not have been very memerable." WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASKJDFKGJdFH- THATS NOT SOMETHING YOU WONT REGRETTTT-

Bo cackled like a damn witch and Akaashi rose a brow in mild confusion.

 "I am so confused right now.." Hinata mumbled, earning a clap on the back from Suna. "You and me both." 

Atsumu, however, recovered rather quickly from his suprsise and let out a soft chuckle. "Oh really? I'm not sure if I should be offended or not." He hummed and Y/n swore her heart died on the spot. 

"Not. Definitely not." She swallowed thickly and turned quickly towards Bokuto. "Don't you eat? Like- food? Dinner- after practice." She was so flustered she could hardly get the words out, and while it was very amusing, Bo decided to humor her and nodded quickly. Besides, he was hungry. 

"Yes, we eat." He chortled, shaking his head a little. "You guys in for grabbing a bite?" 

"Oh definitely." Suna mused, slinging an arm across Atsumu's shoulders. "I think we're all curious to see where the night takes us." 

━

"I'm such an idiot." Y/n whined, hitting her head against the window of Akaashi's car. He couldn't help but allow a small smile to travel onto his face in mild amusement. "It wasn't that bad." 

"It wasn't very good either." Bo mused from the backseat next to Hinata and Y/n placed her face in her hands, mumbling out something incoherent. 

"What was that?" 

"I wanna yeet myself into traffic." 

Akaashi rolled his eyes. "You're so dramatic." 

━

She sat across from Bo and Hinata, with Akaashi next to her. Y/n busied herself with scrolling through TikTok's while she waited for the rest of the group to come. They were the first to arrive, and made sure to get a table big enough for everyone. She didn't even know who was all coming, she guessed just the people she was with before? 

"Oh, they're here." Y/n glanced up from her phone to see the Miya brothers and Suna. She swore there was more of them coming, but she supposed they elected to stay behind or do something else. 

"Osamu wanted to come, so we picked him up on the way. That's why we're late." Suna hummed, taking a spot next to Bokuto. 

"Don't blame me. You're the one who messaged me to ask if I wanted to join you." Said male huffed, sitting on Akaashi's other side. 

"It's all good, we don't mind." Y/n sent a small smile, trying to make up for her mess earlier. 

"Good, cuz if ya did we'd have a problem." Atsumu teased, plopping down in a spot next to Y/n. Even though he could have sat literally anywhere else. 

Y/n's cheeks warmed and her smile grew nervous. "Are the rest of the guys not coming?" She dodged his comment, truth be told, she didn't know how to reply to it so she just- didn't. 

"Nah. They had other plans. Some have to wake up early for class." Suna didn't bother to look up from the menu as he spoke. He had never been here before, so he was curious to see what they had to offer. 

"What is this place?" 

"Y/n picked it." Akaashi mumbled, stirring his straw in his drink absentmindedly. 

"It had good reviews." She shrugged, taking a sip of her own beverage. 

"So, you guys live together, right?" Osamu asked, placing his menu down after deciding what he wanted to order. 

Bokuto nodded. "Yeah, with Kenma, Kuroo and Tsukishima too." 

"How'd you manage that?" 

"Well we figured renting a house near the university would be better than the dorms or an apartment. And we all wanted to live together anyway." 

"How did you end up there, Y/n?" The h/c haired girl glanced up at the mention of her name, peeking up towards Atsumu. 

"Bo, Kaashi, and I all went to the same high school. We've been friends for years. At the time I was couch surfing after having an issue at my apartment with a stinky roommate and they offered up their last room." 

"The rest is history." Bo sighed, reaching over to grab her chin teasingly. She yanked it out of his grasp and stuck out her tongue. 

"Akaashi and Kenma aren't bad to live with, but the rest I could do without." She jested, and it was his turn to stick his tongue out at her. 

"You wound me, Y/n. After everything I've done for you." 

"I feel the same about Samu. Tsumu I could live without." Suna claimed, snickering at the mildly offended look on Atsumu's face. 

Samu could only grin. "Hah, I'm the favourite." 

"Well that's not very nice, Sunarin." The blonde twin mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair. Y/n tried not to think about how hot  he looked right now. 

Suna shrugged, "I'm not a very nice guy." 

"I think you're nice." Hinata piped up, and Y/n almost melted. "You're so sweet. Blind, but sweet." 

━

Y/n let out a soft sigh as the cool night air hit her flushed cheeks. "It's so nice out here." 

"It's so hot in there." Atsumu groaned, folding his hands behind his head. 

"I swear their furnace is broken." Suna added and the other two nodded in agreement. 

"It was fine at first.." she mumbled, Kuroo's sweater hanging around her waist. She had to take it off at somepoint because she was absolutely dying from the heat. She nearly whacked Atsumu in the process and while the table found it funny she was mortified. 

"You're sure you good to sleep over, Hinata?" She turned to look towards the orange haired male, who jumped up at the sound of his name. 

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'll be good on the couch, no worries." He smiled. 

"You could always sleep with Bokuto, though you might end up on the floor." Keiji rubbed the back of his neck, as if recalling the memories and Bo's cheeks flushed in mild embarrassment. 

"Hey, I warned you beforehand. And I'm not that bad." 

Atsumu winced, "I beg to differ." 

"We should have a sleepover with all of us one day." Bo was quick to change the subject, and Akaashi and Y/n exchanged smirks.

"Who get's to sleep in Y/n's bed?" Atsumu teased, slinging an arm across her shoulders. 

If she thought her face was red from before, she was sorely mistaken. "I-" she cleared her throat, trying to get her brain to function properly, to no avail. 

"Lettuce! I want some lettuce!" She ducked out of his hold and moved towards the car, getting in before she could say something even stupdier than she just did. 

"Lettuce?" Suna scrunched his nose in confusion. 

"I think you broke her." Osamu hummed, glancing towards his brother. 

"I think you're right." 

"Is she gonna be okay?" Hinata asked, watching as she sunk down in her seat through the window. Burying her red face in her hands. 

"More or less." Akaashi hummed. 

━

"How'd it go?" Kenma glanced up from his spot on the couch at the sound of his friends returning home. Tsukishima sat next to him, headphones slung around his neck and Kuroo was sitting on the floor, pausing the game he and Kenma were playing on the telly. 

Y/n let out a comically long groan, flopping onto the floor the moment she got the chance. 

"That pretty much sums it up." 

[the-roo-too]

She fell first but she fell harder kind of trope

with any of the unnie line of nmixx😌👍

break my heart myself -> bandmate! seol yoona

-people cope with things in many different ways

warnings: they make out ig

genre: angst (poor attempt at)

notes: i think i should give up writing angst idk what this is

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you could feel sullyoon’s chest rise up and down shakily as you laid on top of her. although you two only made out, her breathing was uneven, just as was yours. you aimlessly drew soft patterns on her collarbone as she gently ran her hands up and down your back in a comforting manner. the silence around you brought a peaceful feeling to your heart, though you were about to break it.

“you miss her, don’t you, unnie?”

she hummed before your words registered in her brain. you felt the hand on your back stop it’s movements. “what do you mean, y/nnie?”

“yunjin. i think… i think you really do miss her, unnie.”

sullyoon froze before lifting your chin gently to meet her eyes. “why are you saying that?”

“because you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t… because you wouldn’t be here with me, if you didn’t.”

“…i thought you said-“

“i know, unnie. i’m… please, forget i said anything.” you nuzzled more into her chest, ignoring the way she looked at you, waiting for explanation.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

for context, sullyoon’s been a mess since yunjin left. they low key kept in touch but trying to talk about what they had, what happened between them… it was too awkward.

all of the members could see jinni leaving nmixx took a toll on sullyoon. especially you. but that she couldn’t see.

haewon offered her to take some time off, but they both knew she couldn’t. her laying off after another member left the group would just raise suspicion, be it rumours of them being together or yunjin leaving because of sullyoon.

so instead of a break, she found easier ways to forget. she asked you, the member that always liked to be nearby although they weren’t that close.

you knew she was using you but everyone copes with loss differently, right?

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you didn’t know why or when, but sullyoon somehow managed to have you head over heels for her, without even trying. without even knowing.

your group was fairly big, 8 members until december. it was understandable, not being particularly close with every single person in the group. sullyoon wasn’t close with you, you didn’t talk all that much with yunjin etc.

when the news broke out, at first you were just sad. yunjin was nice, the two of you talked sometimes, but that was it. you were barely friends.

your heart hurt when yunjin said goodbye. all of your members were crying, promising to keep in touch. it pained you more when you looked at haewon, your leader. she held her composure but deep down, she thought she failed as a leader.

only when you walked up to haewon to comfort her, your heart really broke. you saw the way sullyoon looked at yunjin, how she cried after her. you also saw the way yunjin looked at sullyoon and lily.

that night for the first time, sullyoon knocked at your door. when you opened, half asleep, she did not waste a second, her lips landing on yours blindly.

“we can forget together, okay?”

you thought she knew but… she never tried to see you like you saw her.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

“please, forget i said anything.”

she tried but your words kept repeating themselves in the back of her mind like a broken record.

even when the morning arrived and she slipped back into her own bedroom, she couldn’t let go of your conversation. having nothing better to do at 5 before practice, she walked to the dorm kitchen to make some tea.

as she was pouring the boiling water into the cup, she heard quiet footsteps behind her. she flinched, but fortunately didn’t burn herself nor the other person.

sullyoon turned her head to see lily and pouted. “you scared me, unnie!”

“…you’re hurting her, yoona.”

she hesitantly placed her cup of tea down on the counter, turning to face the older girl.

“what are you talking about, lily?”

“y/n.”

a small scoff fell from her lips. “are you jealous, unnie? we aren’t doing anything wrong.”

lily held her gaze coldly, which was very unusual for the oldest member. “i care for all of my members, yoona. i don’t care if you think this isn’t wrong of you, but you need to stop hurting her.”

“how exactly am i hurting her, unnie?” sullyoon felt weird, having lily speak to her in such a harsh tone. it was so out of character for the oldest.

“…are you blind, yoona? she loves you. stop playing with the poor girl’s heart. you’re a close friend of mine, but i won’t let you cause harm on my other friends.”

lily left the room before she could react. only one thought kept repeating in her head.

she loves me?

all of a sudden, sullyoon felt guilty. a weird heaviness pressed on her chest, making it hard to breathe. and on that morning, at 5 am, sullyoon didn’t know how to cope anymore.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you wondered if you pushed her away with you words that night. after your talk, sullyoon stopped visiting you at night. your heart ached for her, because while you didn’t have to fill yunjin’s place in her heart anymore, you felt like you didn’t hold a place there no longer.

when sullyoon stopped visiting, lily suddenly started showing you more affection that usual. it was good for you, it took your mind of your little love life problems.

then, practice became a bit harder, hence a comeback was nearby. you suddenly didn’t have time to think about all the things bothering you.

sullyoon on the contrary couldn’t sleep well since her talk with lily.

she told herself it was the reason she came to you that night.

you thought she missed yunjin again.

lily sighed deeply when through the gap in her doors, she saw you let yoona inside your dorm again.

she couldn’t do much, but hope the younger one didn’t do you more harm.

sullyoon didn’t know what to do at first, when you invited her in. why was it so hard suddenly, when being with you was always so easy?

her eyes met your soft ones, that held a familiar warmth.

”she loves you.” lily’s words echoed in her mind.

you looked at her the same way she looked at yunjin.

she remembered all those times with the ex member. she couldn’t look at jinni like that anymore.

a mirror stood on your nightstand. she looked into her own eyes, averting her gaze from yours. her eyes held… that warmth…

you blinked, and her lips met yours. it was so gentle, softer than ever. she slowly moved away, speaking the words in a whisper.

“i don’t miss her, y/n. i missed you.”

you looked into her eyes, searching for the truth. never before did her gaze feel so warm.

“why, unnie?”

“you love me.” so she knew. you nodded, as she only spoke truth.

“i have loved you for as long as i can remember.”

she pulled you close again, another kiss being shared between the two of you.

“please, let me love you back.”

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

[grimmweepers]

✘ intro: ryu, 24, she/her, sagittarius, infj, straight as a circle and the switchiest of switches

✘ fandoms you can find on here: genshin, jjk, hq, obey me, bsd, aot, black butler, naruto, one piece + more

✘ i work two jobs so my writing will be sporadic. i only write when i’m inspired and for characters im interested in

✘ fun facts: i love doja cat, i’m a fragrance specialist, i have 2 tattoos, i once had 10 kittens, i built a murderous dps barbara, i once cosplayed as pieck at a convention

✘ my brain works like a broken record. i’ve been told i have the habit of repeating things but i can’t help it. sometimes i just say what’s on my mind and don’t process that i’ve already said it before. i’m sorry if it gets annoying

✘ likes: cats, make up, perfume, the paranormal, gothic architecture, classical music, doja cat, monsters, reading, giving myself a big beautiful bouncy blow-out

✘ dislikes: spiders, rushing, small talk, cliques, sleeping late, forgetting to put on perfume, forgetting my earphones, olives, my temper, and did i say spiders? seriously, don’t send me anything related to them, even if it’s a joke

✘ faves:

genshin: zhongli, ei, miko, alhaitham, wriothesely, clorinde, pantalone

jjk: yuji, sukuna, toji, higuruma

hq: tsukishima, hinata

omswd: lucifer, leviathan

one piece: ace, nami

naruto: itachi, pain, konan, madara, sai, rock lee, iruka

aot: levi, pieck

tokrev: sanzu

bsd: chuuya, fyodor, nikolai, sigma

black butler: sebastian

hsr: caelus, blade, ratio, boothill

wind breaker: togame, umemiya, tsubaki

demon slayer: inosuke, genya, kokushibo

ryuboards | picrews

[supergenial]

(translation+lyrics) 狂咲ニーディア by Ariabl’eyeS

What up folks, it’s the brand new Ariabl’eyeS record from this m3-54. Frankly I’m glad I never kept track of the m3 numbers, think I have enough psychological damage when I remember we’re at comiket 104 but I started paying attention to them around comiket 79 ☠️

Anywho, this one lyrically reminds me of Raison d’etre, just really reeeeally desperate and needy vibes. You sometimes have to wonder whether lyricists actually have very passionate love lives or whether they’re just able to come up with this stuff from minor inconveniences. Either way, pretty fun. Lyrics are below the cut and see you all next time (hopefully soon).

—————————————

composer for all tracks: リゼ

Vocals for all tracks: みそらみみ

狂咲ニーディア Kyoushou Needier (Madly Blossoming Needier)

tozasareta tobira no mukou anata wo matteru akari mo nai mukishitsu na awai yume no naka de

Facing the closed door as I wait for you In this cold and lifeless fleeting dream

kowarekaketa omoi dake shimitsuku aijou karada ni tsuita shirushi de ai wo tashikameru

Just broken feelings remain, dyed deeply in love Marks remain on my body, the proof of your love

iiko de iru kara zutto watashi dake wo mite

I’ll be a good girl, so always look only at me.

kuruui saku hanatachi mo kuchite wa mata mi wo musunde amai wana ni izanawarete mo itsuwari no kairaku he ori de somete nuritsubusu kizamitsukete itaku naru hodo tsunagareta kusari hanazasu ni zutto watashi no soba de

Blossoming madly like the flowers, which wilt and bear fruit anew Invited by that sweet deceit into false pleasure Stained and chained, carved so deep it hurts Don't ever let go of the chain binding us, remain by my side

aishite

Love me

motto iiko de iru kara zutto watashi dake wo mite

Since I’ll be an even better girl, look only at me

kuruui saku senritsu ni tsubuen no omoi wo nosete saru yume ni hodasarete hibiku fukashin no gensou wo ai ni somari umorarete kizami tsuita kizu wo nazotte kakushikirenu kyouki ni umoretemo zutto hanasanai de ne

A melody blossoming madly carrying these passionate thoughts Through this burning dream lie echoes of an untainted mirage Drenched in loved, tracing these deeply carved scars Engulfed by the unrelenting madness, never let go of me

aishite

Love me

狂躁セカイ Kyousou Sekai (Maniatic World)

kegarenaki yume no naka towa ni chikau futari no surechigau kanjou to toki wo wasureta sekai

We pledged to each other within an untainted dream Clashing feelings within a world that had forgone time

aisouwarai uso wo hakisutete wa kyousou kurikaeshi omoi shizunde

Fake smiles which only spout lies The lunacy repeats itself as we sink into our feelings

aishiteru no kotoba nante kairaku ni hikatteru no hakanaku chiru aseru omoi mou fureru koto wa dekinai

Submerged in the joy of those loving words Yet I can’t reach again for those now fleeting and vanishing emotions

zankoku na genjitsu ni me wo somukete nigete mo kuichigau shinjou to osaekirenai shoudou

Even if I try to turn my eyes away from this cruel reality Our conflicting emotions and unshakable impulses remain

usurawarai sukui no te mo nakute isso yamete shimaeba eien ni zutto

Faintly laughing as I know no one will save me I should simply end it all at once, eternally

aishiteru no kotoba de sae nikushimi ni hikisakarete midara ni chiru karada kuchite utsuroge ni kasunda me ni

Even loving words can’t root out this hatred My body rots scattering into filth, empty eyes hidden away

aishiteru no kotoba nante kairaku ni hikatteru no itooshikute kowashitakute watashi dake no mono ni shitakute

Your loving words once drenched me in pleasure I want them to myself so much I could just break them, so they’re only mine and mine alone.

“When’s Safira 2?” Look buddy I’m rawdogging this from my phone in an airport right as Im about to board with no edit/checking process and I won’t be home for like two days also translating on the phone got me nauseous somehow which is weird because I’ve done it before with no issues. Maybe I’m just dying or something.

“Her name is Needier????” Idk man, maybe? The official romaji is certainly Needier though

Edit: whew, I really was out of my mind when I uploaded this. Just did a few corrections as entire lines were missing lmao

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Could you give some advice for your language learning journey (material wise and also how you stay motivated)?

Hello! ^^ Well I'm not an expert but I will try to help. So, to get something clear about my journey, I didn't get a good start by myself.

Journey part (feel free to skip it if you wish, I just felt some context might help with motivation cause I'm a slow learner and struggled to find my pace, as well)

I started listening to Japanese music in 2012, but only found the motivation to start learning the language in 2015. I'd already heard I needed to learn hiragana and katakana first so I was discussing that with a friend, who had then suggested me a YT channel, which I unfortunately no longer follow, but basically there was a dude who taught people how to play Shogi, the Japanese chess, and just so happened to have a playlist with teaching people how to write hiragana and katakana. The reason why she suggested that guy was because she too wanted to learn obviously and found that his explanations were very good and he also wrote the actual characters during the recording so that you could copy it. Nowadays that is so easy to find though, like, I don't know if you've already learnt yours, but if you haven't, try "how to write hiragana & katakana" or sth similar. There are so many Japanese people teaching stuff on YT nowadays that will be the easiest thing to find. After that, I wanted to learn some kanji obviously and get into grammar. That's how I had learnt English too, so essentially, my thought process was trying to imitate what my English teacher had done while teaching me when I was little (In Greece we learn foreign languages in more detail in separate schools from our main ones hence why I personally went for that.) So I kept searching and found JapanesePod101 but quickly realized any free materials were limited so I kept looking and found a grammar guide which I still have and I could mail it to you if you want, but it was a bit too much, I have to warn you. I also found a list of kanji for N5 level and started copying them in a notebook. Some people learn easier by just repeating stuff out loud, personally I am the copy paste type, so I wrote for example one kanji, then covered it with another object and tried to write it from memory and then again and again. 10-15 times depending on how difficult I considered the kanji. But then came the problem of motivation. I wasn't studying as much as I wanted and I felt I needed a teacher, not only so that I studied more but also because I needed sb to tell me when I am doing sth right or wrong since I had 0 knowledge of the language. I got lucky and there was 1 Japanese woman who was teaching in my island and her prices were low so I discussed it with my family and we agreed I could give it a try. All that happened in 2018, so I kept trying by myself for 3 years without significant progress. So this woman had me sit a test to see what I knew so far and then we started having lessons in a class normally. And that's how I actually got to learn part of the language well. In 2020 it was I think, that she decided to drop teaching for JLPT and do only speaking cause she herself learnt any languages she spoke without learning grammar, or writing and yeah we had a big disagreement on that and well I left cause I wanted to learn the language as a whole. That woman could speak 4 languages but all broken and I wanted to be fluent. So then I looked around, found nth on my island, but thanks to the whole Covid situation more schools in my country had started distant learning programs so I found another school in Athens within the same year and continued with them. The lady teaching me there was more of my kind of educator so I kept learning with her until last September. The reason I stopped was for finances and also because I had learnt all the grammar I needed for N3 but lacked severely in kanji and vocab so I felt it was better to take sometime to enrich those and keep revising my grammar until this December when I hope to eventually try the test.

Advice

I will list materials in the next paragraph, I will stick to motivation and advice for this one. Unfortunately I can't be very spot on this, cause each person learns differently, but I think that if you lack motivation there are 2 ways to approach it: The romantic one and the logical one. The romantic one is finding a passion around the language to keep you going and the logical is to find an affordable teacher online.

When it comes to passion, this is what drives me in life and I don't know if I should suggest it to others, but passion has taken many people far in life, and the fact I am personally failing doesn't mean it's a bad approach xD. That's how I learnt English too. It is expected from every kid in Greece to learn it, but I was begging my parents before I even knew that was expected of me cause I absolutely loved foreign music and I wanted to understand the lyrics. I was obsessed and still am. Just the thought of being able to understand all those songs, and later, when I realized how commonly used it is, that I could explore stuff and meet people from every place in the world only added fuel to my fire. And the same thing happened with Japanese. I was soooo mad I couldn't understand what my favorites said, not every band had translated material online and I needed to know. Although, to be fair, there was more to it, it's my dream to work with these people so if I wanted to be serious with my goal, I had to learn the language and be able to communicate with them. So yeah, if you have any passion around your target language it helps. Be it arts, travelling, making friends, you name it. Only you know your own desires. However yeah, if you are dealing with mental illnesses or ADHD or several other factors that can affect your mood and learning flow, passion alone can be tough to use, hence why I too needed sth more than my romanticism to get a solid start.

As for the logical part, I think it speaks for itself. It's so much better to have sb keeping you on track and that I think is sth that worldwide approach to education is responsible for. We weren't taught many things by ourselves as children, there was always someone more knowledgable leading the way. So yeah I think it's important to have sb, either local or not who knows the language better than you, around, at first at least, so that you get a feeling of the language, if you know what I mean. Japanese is a language with completely different writing system and grammar rules than most western languages so, it's really hard expecting your brain to figure everything out by itself. Part of me thinks it's easier for Chinese people, because their writing system is similar (I could be wrong) but for a person not born around Asia, I think we all struggle, especially those of us with motivation and self-discipline, when it comes to education, issues.

So yeah, all in all I'd suggest you did both, like find sth that you know will benefit greatly from your learning the language and a teacher. However, if you are as shy as me or freaking out as much as me about how legit some online app with teachers is, I'd suggest you looked for either institutes or solo teachers in your region first, and only if you find nth, proceed with online stuff. I am in no way saying that you can't find a good teacher living somewhere else, I just personally freak out about money transactions with other countries, or if I don't know how legit the app is, fearing I will get scammed and stuff like that. Mostly irrational fears. ^^' And don't get too stressed about doing this long term. Even 1 year of studying with someone else might give you enough of a gist to continue by yourself. ^^ You will have established a routine with them, which you could then continue on your own instead of trying to make up a routine blindly.

Materials

Let's talk materials now.

If you are the book type, like me, you might benefit from a Genki book. Now you've probably heard of people tearing this book apart about how "not good" it is, but I learnt quite a lot from it and it's very beginner friendly imo. I have an archive link with both the 1st and 2nd Genki (https://archive.org/details/Genki/Genki-ElementaryJapaneseWorkbookI).

But these are just for some basic grammar and reading. You can't learn only with those. When it comes to your kanji, sure you can learn from Genki's list, but they are not very accurate to the level of the book. For example, the first Genki book has kanji I came across with my 2nd teacher in N4 class and she was shocked I knew them already xD. I was like "It was in Genki!" and she was so mad xD. She was making her own content for her lessons and using some photocopies from another beginner Japanese book I forget rn. But yeah your go-to for Kanji for N5 and N4 is "Nihongo Challenge N5-N4". For higher, I'm afraid there isn't one of the same name and you will have to turn elsewhere. (I have a pdf of that book if you want it too, feel free to send me your email address and I will send it ^^) As for vocabulary, I'd suggest "Tango 1000 Essential Vocabulary for the JLPT N5". Very good book. There was sb who had uploaded it on YT and I'd swear I had the link to it but can't find it in my bookmarks for some reason. That I have only in physical form I'm afraid and it's a bit tough to find for free somewhere, but if you find a link or choose to buy it, it's so good!

For listening, I'd suggest you started with a few simple ones like those in JP Launch (https://www.youtube.com/@JpLaunch). I haven't tried their grammar videos so I dunno how helpful those are, but their listenings are nice for a start, after you've learnt some basic vocabulary and grammar. You can search their channel for N5 listening or N4 or whichever is your level and you will get plenty of stuff. ^^ And each listening includes unknown words you might hear during the exercise so that you can jot it down and learn them. ^^ That is another big thing I'd suggest btw. Apart from a notebook for copying kanji and words however many times you need to learn them, I'd suggest you had one more, preferrably with many sections, I forget their name in English, in which you will be noting every new word you find. Cause learning vocab from lists is one thing but you might find many new words through texts you read and listening exercises. Keep track of them and learn them whenever you can. I personally have mine separated by hiragana so that if I ever find a word that looks familiar but can't remember if I've learnt it before, I can go to the hiragana it starts with and find it easier. That way I also know which words I need to revise. When you've learnt everything from these books and want to try mockup tests, straight up search JLPT N5/4/3 whatever and listening next to it on Youtube. There are many of them and, even though they are a bit simpler than the originals, they help a lot with testing what you get by ear. And they also have the solutions after each question or at the end of the video so that you know how well you did. ^^

For full mockup test papers I don't know what to suggest. I must have some in pdf still but most stuff I have are N4 if you want them.

As for where to look for teachers in case you find nth closeby, I found several on a site called italki. I eventually never contacted anyone but my first teacher had told me to search there so I bet they are legit. I remember there was a specific system with which I had to pay that I didn't like but you might not mind it.

What else.....I think I covered everything. You might find useful material in the official JLPT page too, for each level. I remember searching there before. Oh and try to write sentences. When you learn sth grammatical for example, try to write 5-10 sentences using it. You won't be able to test how well you did without a teacher but it's important to try, imo.

But yeah if you are an audio learner, do consider Japanese cinema and series as well. Anime can be fun but they usually speak slang or ways that most Japanese people don't use. Both my teachers had told me that. When you get more familiar with the language sure, try them without subs, but as your starting listening material, nope. Jrockers do tend to speak in ways you'd see in anime, and so do people in the gaming and anime fandoms too, but outside of those spaces not so many do it.

As for a dictionary for words and how to write each word: https://jisho.org/ It's super good! It has words, it has conjugations, sentence examples, little gif-style video for how you write each kanji to know with what turns you write each line, etc. Amazing site!

Aaaand finally for the speaking part, I have 0 suggestions. I too agree with people saying you need sb else to talk with to get used to it. So yeah if you can approach sb on social media, good, otherwise try Hellotalk (app) or Tandem (another app for language exchange)(haven't tried them yet but people on reddit say they are good).

ps: don't go hard on yourself if you can't study for hours on end. Just make sure you can free 30 minutes for it every day at first and with time you can get to more. I started with 20 minutes a day due to trauma, I used to study way more when I was still at school but being forced into a uni i didn't want ended up with me having hard time studying for even 10 minutes, but then slowly through learning Japanese, because I liked studying it too, it got to 20, then 30 and now I can read from 1-2 hours a day. Take it slow if you have to, just don't skip days unless you absolutely have to, cause that's how you break a routine and can be tempted to not go back to it.

-----------------------

That was too long, I apologize, but I really hope sth out of everything I mentioned helps. It's a tough language and keeping up greatly depends on sth that keeps you going back to it, I believe. If you are not naturally drawn to learning many languages for the fun of it, you need sth to hold on to it, so do look for it and hang on it for dear life. Also, I came across this video the other day, I've yet to check the list she mentions, I don't know if it's free, but she also mentions a site named Refold that has many free resources if you want to check it out. Here's the vid I'm talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyEioinPKvk

Best of luck and I hope you find the type of resources that are more of your type asap so that you get to learning asap too! ^o^/