#sometimes i feel like i dont actually (probably maybe possibly) have autism | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pacifymebby · 2 years ago

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could you possibly do the peaky lads where their s/o who seems “out-there” to others (not weird like crazy and loud) as in doesn’t fully understand social cues, might speak before thinking, not understanding or realizing the vibe of a conversation in time/at all, but ultimately being good-intentioned and tries hard to act “right”? (essentially maybe being someone on the spectrum and if this sounds personal that’s bc it is lol) ty for ur consideration :) 🤍🤍

Okay so, i have adhd and suspected but not diagnosed autism so i based a lot of this on my own experiences but also just wanted to say thank u for the ask i love this its v v cool.

Tommy

🌿Is probably taken back by it at first, his whole thing is being able to predict how other people behave and respond and when he can't do that with you he finds it throws him

🌿 At first... Once he knows he can't ever account for how you'll respond to him or how you'll feel about a situation he stops trying to control things or predict things and kind of realises he just has to be himself, no frills, no tricks, just plain old Tommy

🌿 Theres a moment the first time you meet, where he's talking to you, probably warning you away from the part of the city youre in, trying to put on the dangerous man act, when it becomes apparent that although youre listening to him (he thinks you're listening to him anyway?) your mind is clearly wandering and before he's finished speaking you cut him off with "Well i have to come here... Thats my favourite bakery," you point over his shoulder and he's a little stunned...

"Excuse me?" he looks at you in confusion, wants to ask why you can't just go to a different bakery but senses that if he does you might actually answer him...

🌿He realises pretty early on that any sense of danger you have is outweighed by your own stubborness/ routine. You're going to keep walking past the betting shop to get to your bakery whether he likes it or not, so he can either adjust and make time in his busy schedule to acompany you to the bakery, or he can let you get on with it.

🌿 So you get to see a side of him that he doesn't usually show anyone anymore. Things start out awkward but quickly become very natural once Tommy lets go of his need to control every element of his life.

🌿So other people don't really understand what you've done or how you've done it, but they notice the change in Tommy when youre around and they say that youve done him a lot of good. They think you're really good for him.

🌿 You're nervous to meet his family because you are aware that sometimes other people dont understand you, in a society of rules and set manners, you often come across as rude or a little odd... But Tommy would reassure you, probably by pointing out that youre about to enter a family full of "witches, psychics and murderous thugs" (joking of course) so how can anybody possibly say that you're the odd one...

🌿And when you meet his family he's watching you the whole time, trying to make sure he notices if you get overwhelmed or if you feel uncomfortable.

🌿 When youre nervous your habit of ramblimg very quickly can get worse and when he notices this happening he gives your hand a squeeze and makes sure hes following the conversation so he can answer when youre done... You have a tendency to leave people in stunned silence and he doesnt want you to be embarrassed

🌿 In the same vein, when you miss social cues, don't realise someones made a joke, don't realise you're being spoken to and need to answer, Tommy will gently, subtly nudge you in the right direction or just start to answer for you so that you know you can speak.

🌿 Also if its an important meeting or social event thats happening in which you will be on public display he will go through every step of the evening with you telling you what you should say when you greet certain people, when you should shake hands ect ect. He will explain different peoples personalities and mannerisms too, "When you meet him he'll probably try to charm you, he tells lots of terrible jokes, none of them will be funny but when he laughs you should laugh too, don't worry if you don't understand the joke, they're usually so bad no one else does either..." he will make sure you feel prepared to navigate the evening!!

🌿If anyone makes any sarcastic comments in front of you, theres a chance they will go over your head, but tommy will pick up on it and put whoever said it in their place. Hes probably more protective of you and feels he has to shield you from everyone who doesn't understand you

🌿 There are definitely times when he's been in the middle of a very tense conversation with one of his brothers or in the middle of a family meeting when the vibe is "tense" and you've not really picked up on the seriousness of a conversation, so have asked what to anyone else would be deemed a trivial question... John might smirk, Arthur probably frowns and can't hide his confusion... But tommy would just answer your question plain and simple.

🌿And the rest of the family would be able to tell from the look he gave them not to say a word.

🌿 When someone is flirting with you and you dont realise (because idk about you but unless someone is straight up "do you wanna fuck" i will not notice at all, and if they say something too obvious then i just think its a joke) Tommy will just quietly tell you, he'll be a mixture of proud and possesive, "you do realise what that man wants from you don't you angel?" "What?" "You..." "Oh, well... Thats unfortunate for him i guess?..."

🌿Ultimately the gist of this is that its amusing for everyone else seeing how Tommy has to relax and accept a loss of control when he's around you... And he is forced to open up, umwind and be less uptight because of you too. You definitely bring out the good in him.

Alfie

🐻 Alfie is exceptionally endeared to you, he thinks its cute when he catches you looking lost in conversation, he just wants to put an arm around you, take you under his wing.

🐻 The first time he met you, when he introduced himself to you and you didn't quite catch what he'd said so instead of asking you just hesitated, looking back at him waiting for him to say something else... He pretty much decided from then on that he was going to keep you around, he'd have a protective attitude towards you even if really you don't need protecting.

🐻 He would try to teach you a little about the streets of Camden, try to teach you some street smarts... Because he doesnt like the thought of you out there on your own... But if you weren't a quick learner he wouldn't mind. He'd be very patient with you, and honestly he probably enjoys being that person you look to for help in any situation.

🐻 He will also try to help you prepare for any social events which might be intimidating for you, giving you all the gossip and intel to help you behave accordingly with each person... Unfortunately he will let his own opinions get in the way, he'll refer to a person by his own personal insults "fat boy" or "mummys boy" little nicknames he gives to each person, which you may once or twice have been known to accidently blurt out upon an introduction.

🐻 He likes to catch your eye across a room and feel like he's your protector when he walks over, stands just behind you and picks up the conversation for you.

🐻 He can talk for England can Alfie and i think the first time you interrupt him, mid-sentence this excited smile on your face because you know exactly what he's talking about!

🐻 He'd be amazed the first time you cut him off like that but i think afterawhile, as he got used to it, he'd enjoy it, the two of you would have such long conversations cutting in on one another, talking about ten different things at once

🐻 Hes lowkey impressed by your ability to understand him and follow his train of thought when he's talking complete shit.

🐻 You're the only person who is allowed to interrupt him.

🐻 Ollie is lowkey jealous that you get away with all of your mishaps because he doesnt.

🐻 Alfie doesn't see any problem with the way you are, if other people say you seem odd or "out there" he just shrugs and says "wellllll i like 'em..."

🐻 More than that, Alfie actually enjoys the fact that you often misstep in conversation with others... He likes to see the looks of confusion on other people's faces when you say or do something they aren't expecting. He absolutely won't help them when you catch them off guard with a question they weren't expecting.

🐻 "Well? The little lady asked you a question... Didn't she..."

🐻 He would constantly be battling internally with whether to let you help him with business or not... On the one hand you'd be excellent at unnerving his opponents without even trying... But on the other hand you are so precious to him and he wouldn't want you anywhere near those kinds of people. Especially when you sometimes don't pick up on the vibe of the conversation, you might not realise if you were being threatened...

🐻 One thing he does find amusing but does spark his over protective and possesive nature, is that you never, NEVER notice when someone is flirting with you... You will giggle along, smile and be your friendly self with someone who is really pushing their luck... And alfie will stand there silently furious but also finding it incredibly funny that this man is trying so hard to charm you, is thinking that its working, but it actually isnt at all.

🐻 He'll cough, take your hand in his and raise your palm to his lips as a way of gently showing you his affection and passive aggressively showing the other man that you're taken.

Arthur

🍂 Arthur strikes me as spectrumy himself to be honest so i think the two of you would either get along incredibly well, having these fast conversations only the two of you can understand, or you'd constantly be misunderstanding eachother and getting confused.

🍂 I think he'd find it funny when you behave unexpectedly in front of Tommy, the fact that you really try to be "good" and polite in front of him but still end up mistepping because you don't pick up on the subtext of the conversation...

🍂 Arthur would find that both adorable and reassuring since he often doesnt pick up on those things either.

🍂 Honestly i think you would understand eachother better than anyone else understands either of you. You'd be able to have such easy conversations about the important stuff because neither of you would cut corners or pussy foot around difficult things... Youd just tell eachother everything exactly how it is/feels to you and then you'd have clarity that isn't there in your relationships with others

🍂 I think your inability to match up to societies expectations would marry up well to his "reject/underdog/outcast" thing too. You're both trying your best to be what other people expect you to be but you're both "failing" and through no fault of your own.

🍂 You would be eachothers salvation and sanctuary from a confusing and frustrating world. Instead of feeling like "whats wrong with me?" you'd come to the conclusion that the real question is "what the fucks wrong with everybody else? Why are we the only sane ones?"

🍂 He would be fiercly loyal and protective of you, if other people like his brothers ever made out like you had "a screw loose" or you were a bit "slow" Arthur would defend you with his whole chest (and fists depending on who said what where)

🍂 When he can tell that you're really struggling to follow a conversation he'll speak for both of you, whether he understands the whole vibe of the conversation or not.

🍂 When you are feeling overwhelmed he'll hold your hand in his lap and give it a tight squeeze

🍂 He fucking hates it when people flirt with you and you dont realise. Sometimes he gets frustrated with you but most of the time his anger is directed at the men.

John

🌼 Adhd king amirite <3

🌼 Who is actually interrupting who here? What are you even talking about anymore?

🌼 You and john would definitely be thick as theives, almost telepathic because you just get eachother in that way that only two neurodivergents can?

🌼 You'd balance eachother out as well, you'd be the laid back half to his excited child chaos.

🌼 Every time you "fucked up" in conversation this man would have your back, doubling down on whatever you said, always taking your side. He'd be fiercly loyal to you and you to him.

🌼 I think he'd make it even harder to concentrate on conversations though, you would be trying hard to listen in a family meeting and John would be whispering to you, knowing he finds it easy to distract you... So if you're missing the vibe of serious conversations its not your fault, its just you have the class clown sitting next to you and you're his favourite person so

🌼 I think you and John would struggle at first when it comes to emotional conversations. You know that bit in Wednesday when her love interest says "You're giving me all these signals Wednesday..." and like, as far as she's concerned she hasnt been giving any signals at all. I feel like at first thats how it would be... He'd be making it obvious how much he likes you... Cheesy flirting, real teenage boy flirting and you'd just think it was a joke IF you noticed it at all

🌼 And one day he'd just be like "y/n what the fucks going on here do you like me or not?"

🌼 "Well of course i like you John, i wouldnt spend all this time with you if i didn't like you..."

🌼 "You know i dont mean it like that y/n..."

🌼 "Like what?"

🌼 Basically you just being kind of clueless that he likes you and him just desperately trying to make it more and more obvious... But then when he finally cracks and says it to you plain and simple, you answer him plain and simple and he feels like a fool for not just talking to you...

🌼 And then when you are together it would be this learning curve for him, that he can't just say serious things in a jokey way because you won't know hes really being serious.

🌼 He has to learn to be a bit less childish sometimes... Only sometimes... Other times you behave like children together much to everybody elses frustration.

🌼 Together you for sure spell trouble and he is definitely ecstatic every time you cut Tommy off or ask him an unexpected question.

🌼 Finds it funny when you don't realise other people are hitting on you, but he does worry it will get you into trouble, that you'll mistake someone being sleazy with you for someone being friendly, so he keeps a close eye on you when youre out, even when youre not out with him

Bonnie

🍀 He's definitely been into you for way longer than you realise... He's been trying to give you signals for so long but they're all so subtle that you don't pick up on them at all

🍀 You're always referring to him as your best friend. You once told someone he was "like a brother" to you.

🍀 He's constantly suffering real teenage angst and yearning for you

🍀 Until one day you blurt it out in conversation and take him by surprise...

🍀 "I said something really stupid and I'm sorry Bonnie!" you'd say in the middle of his sentence about something totally different. Youd be awkward about it, fiddling with your shirt or hair, "I didn't mean to say you were like my brother... You're not that at all actually... Actually i think you're..." he'd be able to see that you are struggling with it but

🍀 He doesnt want to push you or talk over you so he just has to wait it out...

🍀 "think I'm what dove?" he'd be hopeful but not wanting to get his hopes up, because he's used to how unpredictable you can be sometimes, he knows you might not be about to say what he wants you to

🍀 "Actually i think... I really um.. You know..." he'd chuckle at that, biting back a smile as he plays with your fingers, definitely would enjoy teasing you when you steuggle for words/to say the right thing.

🍀 When you finally tell him he'd be so happy, he wouldnt even care that it had taken so long, he'd just be glad you finally understood eachothers feelings.

🍀 He'd be very supportive of you, he'd never let you feel embarrassed or guilty/ashamed if you felt like you'd messed up in conversation

🍀 Similar to Tommy hed make jokes at his family's expense like "You're worried you're the odd one here? Really little dove?"

🍀 Always telling you you're perfect and that he loves you, you're never going to feel like you're not good enough

🍀 Will defend you from any teasing that may come your way

🍀When youre watching him fight you don't hold back when you shout encouragement. You don't really understand when hes throwing the fight unless he spells it out to you first, so sometimes you won't realise and you'll be be shouting at him to "hit back, why aren't you fucking hitting him bon?"

🍀So he learns to warn you and tell you exactly how a fight is supposed to go before it starts. He's lowkey worried youll get him caught!

🍀Bonnie laughs it off when other people flirt with you because "well good luck to em i say, took you bloody years to notice me didn't it," but he does make a point of holding your hand in public, kissing you in public.

🍀 His favourite thing is that the idea of "manners" doesn't hold you back a lot of the time, if the other boys are being cheeky to you you wont hesitate to put them in their place and its always cutting and brutal, more so because you often don't intend for it to be.

Isaiah

🐀Doesn't have the trouble of you not realising he likes you because he is actually straight up with you from the very beginning. "I think me and you would make a good couple what do you say y/n..." "I don't know you..." "Well thats what a dates for... What do you say? I'll pick you up at 7?"

🐀Because hes so straightforward with you, you understand eachother quickly and you are able to trust him very quickly too.

🐀You'd never be confused about where you stand with Isaiah because he always says things simple and truthful and doesn't try to hide or sweeten things for you

🐀Still it takes him by surprise one day when he tries to, he's talking about a job he has to do for tommy, and he's not saying it but you know its dangerous... You turn to him cutting him off mid sentence, "so he wants you to kill them for him? How are you going to do it?"

🐀The way you offer up advice on killing them/disposing of the body so he won't get caught... You just want to make sure he doesn't get caught so that he will be safe, you don't really realise how removed and heartless you sound... When he points it out he says it with an affectionate smirk but you just shrug

🐀"well i just don't want you to get hurt... If i can help you to be safe why wouldn't i? How is that heartless?" he'd be forced to accept that youre right actually, its hardly heartless to care about him.

🐀He would be over protective of you around the others, if other peaky boys looked at you for too long, or tried to tease you, flirting with you and then snickering about the fact you don't seem to realise that they are... Isaiah would put them in their place immediately, wouldn't hesitste to hit them around the back of the head with his cap, shaking his head at them and talking down to them about how they behave like fucking children

🐀When you're worried about messing up in front of people he will be encouraging but in a "so what?" kind of way. He has had to spend his whole life fighting to be respected in the wake of a society that looks down on him for who he is, and his attitude to that is "fuck em" thats what he'll say to you.

🐀"But Isaiah what if i do something wrong and they think I'm..." "who gives a fuck what they think of you love, if you spend your whole life worrying about what the likes of them think about you you'll never be happy, they'll never welcome you with open arms so fuck em... You're fuckin perfect right, a fuckin star... Fuck em... "

🐀Expect lots of these angsty little pep talks.

Michael

☘️ Cares about you alot and can empathise with your embarrassment when you realise you've messed up in conversation by speaking too soon or saying something that isn't exactly relevent at the wrong time... He feels like he can feel it for you

☘️ And his response to this is to try and make sure this happens as little as possible... He doesnt want to make you feel bad about it because he knows you try your best and you just can't help it... But he also hates to see you embarrassed or being laughed at by others so he tries his best to help you get by in social situations

☘️He will write out step by step notes on conversing with certain people (like his cousin tommy who intimidates you) and if you're nervous about something like a job interview or just meeting someone important, then he will let you practice and rehearse the conversation with you too

☘️ He's very supportive in this way, and he'll never leave you to fend for yourself in any situation he doesn't 100% know you'll be accepted in

☘️ He will leave you on your own with Pol though, because he knows she will accept you for everything you are.

☘️ He does get frustrated sometimes when you cut him off but only when he's trying to talk to you about something serious (like your own personal safety) he's constantly reminding you to concentrate or listen to him

☘️ However when you're just talking about things together he likes to let you cut him off and start rambling about something, he loves how your face lights up when something interests you, or how you concentrate when you're explaining a new idea to someone. He could listen to you talk for hours and hours.

☘️ And when you are feeling confident in a social situation michael enjoys being a silent spectator just sitting back and watching you thrive. If you get worried afterwards that you missed the vibe of the conversation or you talked too much he'll shake his head "darlin you were the most interesting person at the table, if you ask me they should have only let you speak, we could all have enjoyed listening to you even longer..."

☘️ He warns his family in advance, and warns tommy especially because he wants tommy to be patient with you and will not tolerate anyone snapping at you or humiliating you.

☘️Really i think, michael was raised in a loving but judgemental family until he found his real mum, i think those prejudices would sometimes sneak up on him, so perhaps at first he would be concious of your differences, however he also knows that those exact prejudices are what meant he was taken from him real mum, they're hnjust and they target good people...so rather than hold those prejudices himself he would be extra concious of protecting you from other people who might hold them

☘️ He won't let anyone say a bad word about you ever, sometimes you'll actually have to be the one to say "calm down michael, he was just joking..."

I hope you like these and that they were what you were wanting, they've taken me a long time because i wanted to get them right i guess!!!

#bonnie gold x reader #peaky blinders imagines #tommy shelby x reader #arthur shelby x reader #john shelby x reader #peaky blinders headcanon #alfie solomons x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders

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kil9 · 1 year ago

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re: the taemin thing (sorry im so annoying about this but i feel you wanna talk about it as much as me!). i wanted to mention his blinking habit too, but as someone who is not autistic myself (not diagnosticated at least lmao) i was afraid it was just me making assumption but you noticed it to so!!! cool. anyway i could say many more things but the line between being just a strange little dude and being a strange little autistic dude is so thin!!! (like the fact that he eats random stuff at unlikely times of the day or that he's so forgetful). ANYWAY!!!!!! i just really love him and how shinee adapts their behaviour around him to make sure hes comfortable

YES ur never annoying i absolutely wanna talk abt it forever 🥺🥺

(this got kinda long so im putting it in the readmore lol)

but yeah the blinking habit for real !!! ur definitely not wrong to pick up on that ! (i even sponged it from him sometimes lol x_x) its cool that non autistic ppl have an interest in this stuff tbh :3 i think that more ppl understanding autism and all the weird specifics of it is rly the key to our happiness ykno 🤔because most non autistic ppl know literally. jack shit.

also the eating thing YEAH 😭😭 thats also so autism to me. shinee is so good to him !!!! u can tell that even if they dont know WHY he is the way he is, that theyve figured out how he works and how to treat him....

there was such a moment in the 15m thing when key was asking taemin to "prepare" the veggies... and taemin got such a look of dread where hes like "what...... wdym.. ?" & kibum has to be like "CUT THEM taemin" lol 💀💀 its such a silly moment but its SOO quintessential to me for both what its like to be autistic (ie: what the fuck are u saying to me "prepare" this. as if im supposed to know what that means), and what its like to be close with an autistic person (kibum having to kinda remember to "translate" what hes saying for taemin so he knows what hes talking about, it reminds me of how my partner is with me sometimes 🥺)

also back to when im saying they probably dont know why he is the way he is, even if they know all his ins and outs, i think this is probably the same for taemin 🤔 he strikes me as someone who prob doesnt know hes autistic, just knows hes "weird" and "different" and has figured out how to live like that despite. reminds me of myself kind of, cos i wasnt "diagnosed" (used loosely) until maybe 19 ? which is still young but at that point i had already been thru school and everything not knowing x_x its definitely possible to figure your life out & how you work without a diagnosis, and i think it happens all the time, but its also really really hard. i think having a name for it and something u can actually research & learn about is rly helpful. so even tho hes like 30 now im still kinda always hoping he realises 🤔 if it makes his life that much easier ykno ?

this is also why it pisses me off so much that ppl get THAT up in arms when this is brought up. ppl act like falsely "accusing" someone of being autistic will ruin their life, when really its basically harmless (obviously unless ur directly using it as an insult). even the opposite might be true 🤷‍♂️ someone can rly benefit from realising about themselves. also why im so pro self dx !!! even if everyone is "misdiagnosing" themselves these days (🙄 which prob isnt true anyway) like. whats the worst that could happen ? why does it matter if someone is wrong... they might still find some info that will help them 🤷‍♂️ theres not really any autism "resources" that are in scarcity so i dont rly care if someone thinks they are even if theyre not ?

#yea also the reason i say ''diagnosed'' in quotes is cos i was told by like 2 doctors but they didnt want to put it on the record 🤷‍♂️#so im technically not prof dxed but like. i also am 🤦‍♂️#in hindsight i think its good that they didnt bc i think it'd just cause problems... but at the time i was so pissed lol #because it was for rly stupid reasons #even doctors dont know a lot about it if its not their area of expertise 🤷‍♂️

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kart0 · 9 months ago

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Update on what's going on with my life:

So. What a week huh.

Finally went to a different psychiatrist, one that will actually hear what I have to say, and will take care of me. And also confirm my autism diagnosis. Hooray ! She said I was taking too many pills ( I'm bipolar as well ) and we would definitely change that. So these past few days I've been taking less and less pills, and she will give me a new prescription this Friday. I was taking 4 different types of medications, can you believe that ? No wonder I started feeling very very sick since December. I also I gained a lot of weight, and it made me feel very depressed.

Anyways, I've been impressively very happy. Classes have been intense but pretty cool, and I'm thinking after graduation maybe studying to be a teacher or something. I really like helping people, I don't know why but it makes me feel so good and idk. Happy.

Also, remember my coming out post ? Yeah, I figured not only am trans but I am gender fluid to be more specific. Yay ? Makes me feel like a chameleon.

Now talking about sexuality: I know I am aroace, and tmi but sex repulsed too. It's hard because I don't really have much experience with intimacy. I've only ever kissed two mouths and I felt disgusted. But... Sometimes I wonder it wouldnt feel like this if I met the right person. I'm a romantic, after all. But men make me feel gross and disgusted, and they give me the ick and make me feel annoyed. Like. I have a sister and she's in a 5yo relationship and whenever she pecks or kisses or hugs her boyfriend it makes me super uncomfortable.

But also I am scared of women ???? Huh ? I can tell when they're pretty but I can't imagine myself dating a girl. Plus I have homophobic parents. I should avoid girls as much as possible ? Maybe i am too scared if they knew I might like girls. Theyd be disappointed or even disgusted. Asian parents hah

But I wish I was loved and I wanted so much to be in love. I long so bad for someone to care and accept me fully and. Sigh. I don't want and I'm scared of being alone forever. Being autistic makes things everything hard and foggy, I don't know what I want and I don't know who I am and I'm scared. I feel guilty for wanting and not wanting to experience new things, but I am paranoid and too scared. I am touch repulsed but touch starved can you believe ? Whenever my classmates ( pretty men to be specific ) causally touch me, in my shoulder or a handshake, I feel things... I definitely feel butterflies ( i think they're butterflies ? ) in my tummy. My rational brain screams WEAK ASS BITCH to myself lol. I SHOULDNT BE THIS WEAK AAAAAAA I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM ? There's knew specific person that makes me feel the most ? But I refuse to have a crush on him because I think he is dating ( or in a situationship ) with a different classmate ( they were kinda dating but idk anymore ? )

Anyways. He is kinda attractive but I also wish I was him ? Idk what kind of mess my brain is. He's a guy and he's pretty and has a mullet and he has great arms. Sigh ( I like shoulders ) I guess I have gender envy lmao

And he's become touchier this semester, maybe he just behaves like that with everyone ( probably ! I'm very, very touch starved ) but my god sometimes I wanna punch him because it makes me feel things every.single.time! Ugh !!!!!!; like I don't even know if I like the dude but the touching makes my heart skip.

Anyways, I hope I find someone who loves me and accepts me the way I am. None of my friends tries to learn and understand how autism works and it's very lonely. I feel very disconnected and alienated... Specially with my childhood friends. They go to parties and drink and hook up and it's so far from my reality. I also been feeling pretty shitty about my looks. I was gorgeous with my pink long hair and bangs and I used to wear makeup everyday for uni. Now I chopped everything because I wanted to look more masculine. But I ended up also gaining 16 pounds due to the meds. And now I'm trying hard to lose all this weight, and grow my hair again. I'm even considering buying a wig. I feel ugly and fat and lonely and sigh. It's hard to think I'm going to ever find love like this.

Gosh, I'm so sorry for the rant. I needed to vent somewhere and this is my home. I feel so comfortable here. If you read it all, thank you so much !

Oh. Had one more realization

I am also gay. I like men.

#rant #update #life update that for once isn't a rant

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iconsumeheadcanons · 4 years ago

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persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :((( so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff. joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

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thechangeling · 5 years ago

Text

For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

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macabremoons · 4 months ago

Text

OH GOODNESS I SHALL SING THESE BOOKS PRAISES. I will rank them from READ NOW to READ NOW (2 second delay)

Emily Wildes

Pros:

Main character is IN HER THIRTIES. Well.. she might be 29 in book one but I'm very sure she's thirty. I'm starting to get the ick from YA, so I'm reading more adult and I was like “wait the bitches now are the same fucking age as the bitches of before.” Too many adult books start with 17 yos. ANYWAY. SHE'S ACTUALLY… AGED. SHE CAN. REASON. Lovely stuff

Main character has autism. Her special interest is faeries and it is very fucking obvious. Her autism is portrayed very well.

Her love interest is like Cardan AND Howl from Howl's Moving Castle. “Moon, how can he be two hotties in one body?” By being Wendell-fucking-I-don't remember-if-he-had-a-last-name. He serves cunt and he isn't really one. He's a bastard and a weasel but not a bitch.

There's lesbians.

The world building is fucking amazing. The first book really reads like an academic paper at times (but a fun one!!!)

Another pro that shouldn't be a pro: it's actually about the fae. They do fae things. Like not lie. And. Trick people. Stares into the void

Sidenote I notice a lot of fae books drop that a mortal giving their true name let's the fae have control over them. This isn't like a complaint, it's just interesting. It's always just a fae thing. Very very interesting.

Uh back to actual pros, the first book is quite cozy. I won't say low stakes but lower? Stakes? Sort of. The girls said it was a no stakes fantasy and I was blindsided by some of it because of that.

Emily is a female character that's loveable but slightly unpleasant!!! A female…. character… that doesn't earn her right to exist… by nurturing? It IS possible!

WithCindy rated it 5 stars

Cons:

it ends

Uh Emily is a person who makes bad choices sometimes due to her psychology?

Uh. The writing is nice idk maybe you'll hyperfixate on it

The Bear and the Nightingale

Pros:

THE WORLD IS ALIVE ITS ALIVE AND SO RICH EITH CULTURE

The atmosphere is THICK. You feel cold just by reading it oh MY GOD

Probably the best book I've ever read.

Very fae! But very Russian fae. There's a difference.

The historical time it's set in gives so many things to think about.

At the end of the book, the author gives you questions to think about and write your answers down. Idk I fucking love this

The main character is a fucking badass horse girl

Horses are feminist

Lovely prose

Messy messy family dynamics

An amazing magic system

Challenging depictions of Christianity! It doesn't tear it down, but it does bring to light great discussions.

This book goes beyond just fantasy to me. I feel like I am a richer person because of it. I will read trash romance until the cows come home (read my roommate is a vampire) but this. This is not trash lit. “But Moon I didn't find it that compelling” I SMITE THEE WITH I DONT GIVE A FUCK.

I cried at the end

Cons:

I cried at the end :’( sniff sniff isn't that so sad square

This book shows people with flawed understandings of right and wrong and doesn't tell you if it disagrees with them or not to your face. I… think… it does? I think so, but this gets a little messier later on.

In general if you have some concerns about triggers I'd look them up. It isn't a graphic book or a book that pleasures itself in violence, but the world it's set in is not kind and they will be like “yeah that happened” and move on. And honestly, that can be more jarring.

Death is not feminist. DEATH IS NOT FEMINIST. I REPEAT DEATH IS NOT FEMINIST

Death is the worst actually

No romance in this book is not creepy or problematic in at least one way. Again. Don't think the author is endorsing anything, but GOOD GOD I WAS VERY FUCKING UPSET DURING BOOK 2

Did I mention I hate Death I HATE DEATH SO MUCH

Main character is not an adult. “Oh, so she's 17 and she turns 18 in the next book?” No. Honestly I deducted stars just for this when I rated it on book 2. “Oh but Moon the author can write dark themes blah blah blah” ok but. Did it serve the story? Did it bring any deeper meaning to the themes? Did it clear my skin and water my crops? NO. SO IM GONNA BE UPSET STFU.

Im so mixed on this book. I'd rec it until the cows come home; I'm so frustrated with the romance. Ugh. You could have been better than the folk of air… but you were just. Better than Tithe. Sorry Tithe by Holly Black.

Reverent Games

VAMPIRES

It also has witches… but like VAMPIRESSSSS

Amazing concept! Realistic depictions of oppression and how it sucks for everyone including oppressors

Cool world building

Vampire,,,,, love interest,,,,,

There's sort of a love triangle but also not really. The mc isn't torn between them she just reminds herself she was in love with a guy a couple of days ago

I didn't cringe except for one chapter but I like how the author handled it.

The vampire calls her love

The vampire is an ally

The vampire is FEMINIST (SEE DEATH IT ISNT THAT FUCKING HARD YOU CUNT)

Uh.

The MC is flawed but likable. I want to see her bite ppl

The romance was so believable to me. Like. I get to ick so easily esp with faster paced romances like this but you BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY ARE IN LOVE RAHHHHHHHHHH

Messy messy families

Messy messy relationships in general

Themes of siblings! Would u die for them? Would you lose everything for them?

Don't feel like a hunger games clone

All 400 pages are warranted and the pace is wonderful. Not a giant ass book with big sections of nothing.

Pls just read it so I have someone to talk to please I BEG I BEG—

Cons:

it's not trash lit. But it's. It's sure a romance. Fantasy too. But a romance.

:( mc is not an adult (it's YA I forgive her)

It ends and it's a series and it was published THIS YEAR RAAAHHHH

Mc is a hoe and not proud of it. She's in her denial era. Watching her pretending she wouldn't elope this man and fuck everything up is slightly annoying until you realize she. Believes herself?

Girl what

It's not too annoying but sometimes id be like “HEY BE NICE THEY'RE RIGHT YOU LITTLE MONSTER FUCKER” this doesn't count as spoilers because be so fr. From the summary you know she's fucking up the mission.

I don't remember POC people but idk maybe one snuck up on me I was focused on the bloodsuckers. Lesbian vampire queens tho.

I have no friends who've read it… no one to talk to… sigh…. Sniff so alone… so human…. Sighhhhhhh so sad

Oh God this is over a thousand words. But you said you wanted a HUMAN'S opinion. Human. Smile. I try to keep my blog strictly writing but how does one write without reading. IMPOSSIBLE.

Yayyyy!!! Moon's back!!! I've missed you in my notifs ahhhh

@macabremoons

#im not proofreading this #sorry to ur eyes or whatever

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anxietysroomsupport · 5 years ago

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Hi I hope this is ok to talk about here sorry if not. I don't know if I can say I was abused as a kid because I got hit and stuff but it wasn't that bad and I'm autistic which made me a difficult kid to deal with so that makes it ok. I told my partner about it and she was upset about it, she said it was wrong what happened to me but I couldn't tell her everything. I keep getting scared a lot sometimes out if no where like I did when I got locked in my room and my dad was gonna do bad stuff. 1/5

My partner says a lot of things I dont understand. She says it’s ok for me to talk about and express how I’m feeling. But that usually makes me scared because before it got me hurt. With my partner the rules are different I know this because we stim together but I’m not allowed to do that elsewhere otherwise people will know its ok to hurt me. And also because sometimes I infodump and then realise and say sorry and wait for her to hit me but she never does and says it’s ok 2/5

I know I am very lucky and don’t deserve to have a partner like her. She is nice to me and I like being close to her I thought I didnt like touch but her touch is nice and makes me feel safe. My mum says I am not good and will scare her off soon. I don’t want to do that but it makes me sad and scared that I’m gonna lose her eventually. I don’t like the scared feelings all the time. 3/5

I don’t understand a lot of things but my partner says thats ok and she says its ok if I get scared and want reassurence but I think asking for reassurence is a bad thing and that makes me very confused. She has her own stuff to deal with and i feel bad she’s has to deal with me. I want to support her and make her feel good but she always seems to have to be supporting me. She shouldn’t have to support me I should be able to support her. She said she loves me and I really don’t deserve that 4/5

And I’m scared I’m not good for her. Because shes ace and I’m not and I don’t want to do the thing anyway because it is scary and doesn’t sound fun but my body does and that makes me think maybe I’m bad and dont actually respect her. I don’t like that my body reacts in that way it feels horrible. But I want to respect her and I really want to support and make her feel safe like she does for me. But what if I’m like my dad and hurt her? I love her and don’t want to hurt her 5/5

Hi Anon,

It is 100% ok to send us askslike this. There is a lot here so I’m goingto try to address just one thing at a time, and hopefully I won’t miss anythingin the process. If anything seemsconfusing, feel free to write back and ask questions.

About whether or not you can say you wereabused: If you were hit sometimes, it’s considered abuse. I did a search to check, and abuse is definedas the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal. The example is "a black eye". Even being hit a single time is enough to call it abuse,if you want to. If you would rather notuse that word because of how other people react to it, or you just don’t likeframing the experience that way, that’s okay too.

About being autistic andits influence on your parents: Being autistic does not make itokay to hurt you. Being a difficult kid withor without autism does not make it okay. I assume your parents have tried to justify their abuse of you bytelling you how difficult you were as a kid. Please know, that is just an excuse and nothing more. It is not justification. They know it’s not a good reason, but theywill fall back on it because it makes them feel better. It is never okay to hit children.

About what you can orcan’t tell your partner: Why could you not tell your partnereverything that happened to you? Was it likea real-world time constraint that prevented it, or more like you weren’tready? It’s okay to take as much time asyou need to open up to people at your own pace, and hopefully you will havemany more chances to talk in the future.

About getting scaredwithout having a clear reason to be scared: You might want toconsider seeing a counselor or therapist, if those services are available inyour area. Or you could call ahotline. It is possible that you’reexperiencing spontaneous flashbacks or that something is triggering you withoutyou realizing what it is. Aftertraumatic events like what you described, it’s common for people to take a longtime processing it, and those feelings can be as strong today as they wereyears ago. This is a normal response.

About being scared totalk about and express how you’re feeling, and the rules for differentrelationships: It is understandable that you would feel afraid to do things thatusually ended up getting you hurt. It’s okayto feel that fear and recognize it, while at the same time understanding that,at least with your partner, you are safe. It’s great that she’s able to give you this open place to talk aboutanything. But also, it’s okay if you don’twant to talk about everything just yet. You can decide what to share, and how much you share, when you’re ready.

About where you are andare not allowed to stim: Unless you are seriously harming yourself or beingparticularly disruptive, it should be okay to stim in most places. Also, you are allowed to stim anytime, anywhere,no matter what age. It is notillegal. People may find it annoying,but you are still allowed to do it. Of crouse, it is usually less awkward to find a place you feel more comfortable.

About signaling topeople that it’s okay to hurt you: Stimming is not a signal thatwelcomes abuse. There is nothing youcould do to signal to someone that it’s okay to hurt you, short of telling themword-for-word that it’s okay, or making a sign that says it and showing people that sign. I will assume herethat this is another thing your parents taught you, to try to get you tocontrol your stimming more. The vastmajority of people would never even think of hurting someone just forstimming. Bullies and teenagers are theexception.

About expecting to behit: When you are used to being hit in the past, it makes sense thatyou would expect that to continue with different people. It will take time to get used to the new wayof doing things, and hopefully you will get to the point where you don’t expectto be punished for things like infodumping. You can take cues from your partner and work on apologizing less for talkingabout your interests.

About being lucky andbeing deserving: Your partner does sound great and I’m so glad you’ve been luckyenough to find them. It’s wonderful thatyou feel so safe with your partner. But Iwant you to know that being lucky and being deserving are two completelyseparate things. You are absolutelydeserving of a great relationship and partner. There may have been times in the past when you were single and not solucky, but you were always deserving.

About your mom’snegative comments: It is really unkind of your mom to say things like that toyou. You are good enough. This seems like another way that your parentsmight be trying to control your behavior. It is also a form of verbal abuse. Your mom should be happy for you having this good person in your life. Trust that your partner will let you know ifsomething’s wrong. Everyone outside ofthe relationship gets No say in whether you are or are not enough for yourpartner.

About asking forreassurance: Asking for reassurance is hard for a lot of people, because wearen’t used to seeing it happen, don’t know how to go about it, or just feellike we should be more independent. Somepeople confidently go through life never doubting themselves, and good forthem. But for the rest of us, it’scommon to wonder if we’re doing the right thing, saying the right words,behaving ‘correctly’. And it’s just ascommon to feel self-conscious about voicing those concerns out loud, because then we’redrawing attention to the behavior we’re self-conscious about. But asking for reassurance is a great way tobuild your confidence, and your partner has given you an open space in which todo it. Each time we ask, and get thatpositive reinforcement that things are okay, we can put good points towardwhatever behavior it was that we were concerned about. Over time they will build up until we feelconfident that it’s okay to keep doing it without feeling so much doubt andanxiety.

About guilt and support:It’s great that you want to be there for your partner, and you’reprobably doing things that make her feel good that you don’t even realize. It’s true that everyone has their own issues todeal with, but it sounds like she’s got a good handle on things. The best thing you could do for her wouldjust be to let her know that you’re available to talk to about whatever shemight be struggling with. And then lether come to you when she’s ready. Likeall of us, she is making her own decisions, which means that if she didn’t likebeing there for you, she could choose to stop. She doesn’t ‘have’ to deal with you. She chooses to, because she cares about you and wants to invest timeinto your relationship. Hopefully she isalso taking care of herself, and that might be one way you can return hersupport: ask her if she needs anything, or if she’s taking enough time to restand eat. If she says she’s doing good,trust her. You don’t have to check onher every day, but just occasionally checking in can still mean a lot.

About deserving love: We kindof already went over this but here’s a friendly reminder: You DeserveLove! You have always deserved love andyou always will deserve love. One goodway to respond to being told that someone loves you is to let that person know how you care for them as well. Loveshouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you aren’t good enough. When she tells you she loves you, it is agift purely to make you happy and reassure you of her feelings. You can accept the gift without worry.

About being attracted to,and respecting, someone who is ace: The attraction your body feelsis completely independent of your ability to respect your partner. We cannot control feelings of physical attractionany more than we can control feeling hungry or tired. It’s all hormones and chemicals in thebrain. It’s okay to have thosefeelings. What matters is what you chooseto do about them. You are respecting herso long as you always communicate before doing something together. When it comes to physical acts, consent is #1. Anything short of an enthusiastic ‘yes’ is nota good enough answer, because if they aren’t enthusiastic about it, it’s probablynot going to be enjoyable. Talk to herand find our what things you both would enjoy doing. You might discover that even with her beingace, she could enjoy doing a whole range of different things that aren’t sex. Everyone is different. If those aren’t enough, you still have a lot of options. You might consider learning about ways tosatisfy yourself, or polyamory, or changing the relationship to a platonic oneso that you can search out a partner who wants the same things. It’s clear that you don’t want to lose her,so look at ways the relationship can evolve. People change all the time, and if we want relationships to continue, weoften have to communicate ways to change the relationship too.

About behaviors we learnfrom our parents: You might have picked up on a pattern throughout all this, aboutthe choices we make. You care so deeply,and you’re very aware of the ways in which your parents hurt you in thepast. The fact that you are so concernedabout not repeating their mistakes shows that you’re going to work hard to makesure you do the right thing. If you havenever hit anyone in the past, you’re unlikely to start now. And if you begin to see your behaviorbecoming more like your parents’, pause. Take a step back and think about what you cando to change those behaviors. You get todecide what kind of person you will be in the future, and what kind of partneryou’ll be. You are capable of makingdifferent choices than your parents did. I fully believe you will choose to be lovingand kind.

Good luck!

-Miss Fay

#abuse #negativity #relationships

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years ago

Text

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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labyrinthus-magici · 6 years ago

Note

🔥!!!

Was looking at my muse list to think of something that stood out but since I couldn’t pick one I’ll just go w something that affects a lot of them but anyway like

As an autistic person I personally thing the large majority of the magi/snb cast is autistic coded! The fandom as a whole (although it’s not just the magi fandom tbf it’s kind of all of them I’ve been in) ignores that a lot!

I have seen autistic Judar before which is VALID but it’s really frustrating when Judar and Morgiana are the only two you see (and Mor as an afterthought) bc they’re the ones with the more “stereotypical” traits (i.e Judar being antisocial/struggling with empathy which is probably due to trauma and not even his autism considering that. studies show that it’s allistic people who lack empathy for autistic people usually and not the other way around but I digress!) and I’ve been told that other characters who are autistic coded can’t be bc they’re like idk??? competant lmfao??? I don’t get when allistic people say a character can’t be autistic bc im like lmao good to know you know every autistic experience and trait! Maybe you can educate me on my own disorder that you don’t have bc you clearly know so much about it that you couldn’t possibly be overlooking something!

Anyway my muses that I intentionally play as autistic and some of their main traits are bellow the cut bc it’s lengthy (The others I’m probably going to accidentally autistic code bc I. am autistic and it affects my writing but ahiodfhg)

Morgiana: Mor is a pretty obvious one, although I do love her autistic coding! So like most of these characters but with Mor esp you have to keep in mind that she canonly has c-ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder but when it’s not a single traumatic event but living long term in a traumatic environment such as an abusive home or any other variation) so that affects how many of her autistic traits present themselves. I do think that she’s become very good at masking (i.e hiding autistic traits) due to them being punished and because of that she is exhausted because masking is very taxing. I think that she started to unlearn this considerably once she joined the caravan with Leila’s encouragement but it was subtle bc while she did become close with Leila and Sahsa she didn’t open up entirely.

Once she gets to Sindria though and starts opening up I think that she’ll relax a lot because she can see others with the same traits who don’t have to hide them. Masrur especially points out that it’s important for her to stim and because she’s not the only one who deos this, everyone is understanding and accommodating at times when she’s non verbal/not able to speak.

One thing that really stood out to me about Mor is her hyperempathy. Because she doesn’t talk much, it’s hard for some people to pick up on, but Morgiana often has strong feelings of empathy for others. At first this is something that she struggles with, because it’s something that others have taken advantage of and used to hurt her, and because she’s afraid of her emotions as a whole. Later though, she learns that this can be her strength. Morgiana’s most powerful moments (in my opinion) like when she rescued Nadja, when she confronts Alibaba about the consequences of what the fog troupe is doing, and many other instances, are very emotionally charged. She’s also the first to empathize with the pirates that Madaura has brainwashed, and is able to get the others to empathize with them too.

Morgiana was my first favorite magi character (the reason I even got into magi in the first place tbh) bc it was so empowering to see someone with many of my traits in an empowering role of a hero because of those traits and not just with them as an afterthought!

Masrur: I’m going to focus on snb just because that’s what I’m more familiar with as I haven’t read the parts of magi that Masrur is spotlighted in in a long time although honestly all of this stuff applies to Masrur later but it presents itself differently because whilst autistic people never grow out of their traits, just like anything in a person, it changes and becomes more nuanced as a person gets older and gets more experience.

But Masrur is another autistic coded character! A lot of his traits can technically be explained away by canon/plot details however in this house we don’t think that because there’s technically an argument against autistic headcanons that it’s at all valid so ANYWAY

To start we have the way he sees himself as different from others, the way he goes to sit by himself because he feels like he can’t fit in with everyone, how he’s not like them, how he’s just a monster with a single purpose that’s already been fulfilled. Normally, I wouldn’t count this exactly as an autistic trait however Hinahoho is the one that comes to talk to him because he can relate to this experience which is autistic coded so! One thing that’s a common experience in autistic people is feeling quite literally inhuman, usually in the form of an alien, fairy, or fictional character (as it was in my case). This is becuase of the isolation that we normally face in childhood. For Masrur, he feels different from the others, like who he is isn’t someone that would be wanted and that’s something that I can relate to quite strongly. It’s not until he comes to the Sindria trading company, a place full of Neurodivergent coded characters (the ones that aren’t autistic coded are coded as other disorders as well such as ADHD and BPD among others I don’t think there’s actually one person there who’s neurotypical considering that. The entire theme of the Sindria trading company is that they take in people who are outcasts and in need of help and usually those people tend to be ND.) that he comes to realize that he does belong and that he is valued.

In addition to that we do see him stimming or doing stim like behaviors at times, he sometimes is talkative and others seems mostly or entirely non verbal, he tends to misunderstand social queues, struggles with subjects that he’s not interested in, etc.

I think it’s super important to take into account Masrur’s autistic coding because Masrur gets to be HAPPY. Like, yes, he does experience a lot of traumatizing things, but by the end of Magi he still has his family, he’s happilly married and a good father. These are things that people think autistic people can’t have or don’t deserve, and we never get to experience this things in character’s that are canonly autistic. So for me seeing an autistic coded character with such a positive development was something really positive, it’s the same way for a lot of these characters, seeing so many autistic coded characters getting the development that the deserved was what drew me to magi inittially if I’m perfectly honest. I didn’t know it at the time bc I had no idea I was autistic until last year (coincidentally from autistic friends also from this fandom!) but it really was what drew me in.

Hinahoho: Oh God where do I even START with autistic icon Hinahoho? I think, out of any snb characters Hinahoho is the most heavily autistic coded. Like there is literally no other explanation for his character I can think of whenever I see him I get so happy bc I’m like!!! Yes!!!! Autistic dad!!! I love him!!!

His backstory first and foremost focuses on his separation from the rest of the people in his tribe because he has unconventional interests (art!!) and that he isn’t able to pass the test and become and adult at the proper time. To start, being a “late bloomer” in things (or alternatively doing things too soon in some cases) is a common autistic experience. A lot of us due to many reasons (mostly due to ableism and lack of accommodations) we aren’t able to do the things that our peers do at the same times like drive, attend college, or move out of the house etc. This isn’t a lack of competence just that we aren’t able to go about things in a way that we are able to thrive in, and this is exactly what Hinahoho’s development highlights! He never does pass the warrior’s test in the way that is most traditional, instead Sinbad (whose an Adhd ND icon if you ask me but I haven’t added him to my muse list yet so aidofhg more on him and the other adhd icons in this series later ahidofhg) mentions how there’s multiple ways to be strong, how he doesn’t have to do things the same way as everyone else to be worth something.

There’s also the ableism that he faces from others in his tribe. In addition to judging him for not having become a warrior yet, he is bullied by others and treated like a child when he shouldn’t be. The others are so unkind to him for being “different” and “weird” and having “a personality like a fish left to dry” (WHATEVER THAT’S EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN LMAO I STILL DONT GET IT) that in his introduction he starts sobbing bc Sinbad said thank you to him like. Like God can I relate to this, honestly his experiences though not exactly the same as my own deeply resemble how I was before I found out that I’m autistic.

Then, after he learns to love and accept himself and marries Rurumu (Oh!! That’s another thing, people acted like he was unlovable but Rurumu always loved him. He never had to change who he was or mask his autistic traits and that’s SO important because honestly I can’t even imagine someone who isn’t also autistic wanting me romantically especially when I see shit about people taking autistic people to homecoming and calling it “inspiring” and “selfless” and a “learning experience”) he then turns around and teaches others to do the same. I noticed that he becomes very close to both Drakon and Masrur who are both autistic coded and he helps teach them to love themselves like??? LIKE???? and with Masrur he literally points out that he can empathize so points for hyperempathy again. I’m loving how many magi characters have hyperempathy that is ultimately good. Bc it’s usually a weakness in character’s that have it.

Drakon: Honestly once again idek where to start when his entire development is deeply autistic coded but we’ll start with his backstory. So to start there’s the power imbalance between him and his (neurotypical) siblings. Whilst he is the youngest, I think that the reason that he’s unfavored in the family and is the one always catching shit is because he’s autistic. This is something that happens so often is that when an autistic child has allistic siblings the allistic one is favored or if not favored they definetely get treated better because autistic children are particularly vulnerable and easy to manipulate. With Drakon’s childhood, although again the circumstances in my case aren’t exactly the same, I really am seeing my past self.

He was from a young age branded as a prodigy, told he was already basically an adult even though he was still a child, and this is so common with autistic children who show a semblance of talent in something. However, he isn’t praised for this in a healthy encouraging way, instead he’s given the responsibilities and expectations of an adult already. In addition to that, he is conditioned to mask his autistic traits, in addition to being taught to devote his entire self to his cause. The fact that he internalized everything so deeply that he had a breakdown when he realized that he wasn’t wanting to die for his cause, that he thought he had to follow everything to the letter all the way down to his deepest feelings, is in my opinion an autistic trait as I showed exactly the same traits for other matters, internalizing things at the same intensity. He social scripts quite a bit, meaning that he has a strong sense of “this is how things SHOULD be so if they AREN’T this way then everything is in RUINS and we have to fix it IMMEDIATELY” he has the roles he’s been given and he strongly believes that everyone else has a role. This does become far more healthy once he’s unlearned the toxic things that he was taught but he still does it, but in a healthy way. Everyone has a role to fulfill, and he’s strict about this, when people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be becomes irritable and struggles to keep functioning as normal.

Then there’s the fact that his entire development is learning as a teenager that he’s become a monster, literally in this case, learning that he is hated so much that he resolves to leave his humanity behind, only to gain love and acceptance and learn to love himself in the form that he takes. While I don’t think every monster is autistic coded (as that would be problematic for obvious reasons) developments like this resemble our experiences so well? It’s a perfect metaphor for what it’s like, honestly.

One reason I think that it’s important for me personally to acknowledge Drakon’s autistic coding is because he’s a strong leader and people think that autistic people cannot be leaders, that we’re incompetent. So to see a character with my traits be someone noble, to become king even, and to thrive is something super positive for me because again it’s something that people think we cannot do that we cannot have but we really can.

Leila, Sahsa, & Nadja: With these three it’s mostly projecting just because we don’t see enough of them for them to really be that autistic coded HOWEVER tis my blog and you get to hear all my hcs asdfgh. I like to hc these three as autistic 1. bc Leila and Sahsa’s relationship is beautiful, and to contextualize that as a romance between two autistic women is really nice for me who as I mentioned before struggles to ever see myself having a love like that. 2. Leila and Sahsa take to Morgiana and encourage growth in her and I like the idea of them helping her to relax a little on hiding her autistic traits. 3. Because as an autistic person it’s difficult for me to interpret characters as not autistic (where not autistic is other’s defaults for me autistic is the default, so it would be more accurate for me to say I have some allistic headcanons rather than autistic ones lmao) I actually started headcanoning Leila as autistic by accident because I wrote a fic where she had a shutdown (which is when there’s too much stimulants i.e sound or sights etc. and we have to go lay down and rest and shut out the stimulants that are bothering giving us sensory overload.) and was like oh!! Time to make both her and Sahsa autistic bc who’s gonna stop me lmao.

Also one headcanon I have for Nadja (in addition to her joining Leila and Sahsa’s caravan with her family) is that after Morgiana rescued her she developed a special interest in adventure and heroism which is really cute on one hand bc she always wants to learn stories of heroes from the locals of the places they visit and her parents are like aw she’s talkative sometimes! She’s making friends!!! But on the other hand she tags along on Leila and Sahsa’s “oops lmao just fought an entire band of thieves again” adventures and is that “Let me see what you have!” “A KNIFE!!” “NO!!!” vine so ahidfohg be careful u fuckin superb lil baby.

Myron: Hers is a bit shorter since we don’t have a whole lot of her in canon, but her strict following of perceived social standards and social scripting makes me headcanon her as autistic. I also like the idea of her being autistic because so often people think that we can’t be proper or socially conscious but more often than not we overcompensate, the deal is that we struggle to understand neurotypical social cues not that we hate socializing.

Titus: Oh man I shouldn’t have put him so far down on my muse list bc this one is going to be lengthy. There’s a reason whenever I info dump about my son to people that I always call him Autistic Gay Icon Titus Alexius.

I’ll start with the fact that he struggles in social settings, i.e Sphintus thinking he’s so fuckin awkward at first. (Even tho I hc Sphintus as autistic too but like I said autistic is the default for me ahidfg) He has a special interest in magic, evidently, and is very info dumpy about it as times (though not as much as notable autistic icons Yamuraiha and Ugo). Also his best friends are Sphintus and autistic adhd icon Aladdin so like. Convenient. that the three most autistic coded kids at school becomes besties. asdfgh. Also none of the 4 magi are allistic tbh.

ANYWAY that aside and glossing over the whole separation he feels from the others (which I could go into length but it’s similar to Drakon and Masrur’s and Hinahoho’s deal and this is getting so long already oof) can we just talk about how fucking POSITIVE his Hyper-Empathy is for his character and the story?

Okay so like. Let’s start with the 5th district, how after just a little while there he immediately jumped into action with LMAO TIME TO BLOW A HOLE IN THE SKY IM BUSTING EVERYONE OUT LADS. Like. Was it dumb? Yes. Was it noble and valid? YES! And he STILL SHOWED UP TO CLASS READY TO FIGHT THE NEXT DAY. He also tried to call out Mogamett how many times? And still stood his ground with the 5th district, even when Mogamett tried to manipulate him by saying he only cared out of his selfish desire to befriend Marga, he immediately analyzed himself critically and came to the conclusion that no, he really just wanted everyone there to be safe and happy.

Then, when he goes to Reim and Just. Hhhhhh HE’S SO GOOD. AND HE HAS SO MUCH EMPATHY. The fact that he immediately begins changing things, is firm in that, but his main motivation is that he so desperately wants everyone to be safe and to live happily, the fact that his people’s problems are by extension his own because he feels real pain when others feel it. That’s hyper empathy and though it’s something that can be manipulated he doesn’t let that happen, he uses it for good!

When he gives his speech about why they need to abolish slavery in Reim asap, he begins to cry and exclaims that any one of them could die tomorrow, that they need to priooritize the people that are in the now who are suffering that they have the power to help their people and to liberate their country and appeals to everyone’s emotions that way and breaks through. Also the other changes he makes?? Like making the Colosseum into a LARPing spot? That’s so fucking good? What a nerd? I love him????

I can go into more detail with Titus but for time reasons I won’t but. We stan Autistic Gay Icon Titus Alexius here.

If you read all of this I love you sm thank you for reading this rambly mess. ahdiogfg

#Outside Of Destiny《OOC》#this is so LONG #though none of the stuff under the cut is negative or a rant #it's just me rambling abt how valid all my autistic muses are #ahdifoghdfg #but anyway yes Im an autism if u don't like that like #sucks to be you I guess lmfao #saeiqas

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

#bunni plays yokai watch

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gekkonidae · 7 years ago

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fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck OFF FUCK OFF STOP FUCKING DOING THAT. AS IF I NEVER FUCKING NOTICED.

STOP DELIBERATELY TAKING SHIT I SAY AND TWISTING IT SO YOU CAN MAKE ME LOOK STUPID. I DON’T CARE IF THAT’S NOT YOUR INTENTION OR THAT YOUR UNAWARE IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT FUCKING DOING IT. AT LEAST LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I ACTUALLY MEAN WHEN I SAY THINGS BEFORE CUTTING ME OFF, YOU KNOW I HAVE TROUBLE SPEAKING MY THOUGHTS STOP FUCKING TWISTING MY FUCKING WORDS.

DON’T DO THAT HOLY SHIT EVERY TIME I TRY TO EXPLAIN MYSELF YOU CUT ME OFF AND MAKE PEOPLE THINK BADLY OF WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T FUCKING NOTICED THAT SHIT. I KNOW THAT IF I CALL YOU OUT ON IT YOU’LL FUCKING DENY IT.

AND OH MY GOD STOP MAKING YOUR FUCKING ASSUMPTIONS. STOP ASSUMING I’M SOMETHING WHEN YOU BARELY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW I DO IN SCHOOL OR HOW MY HEAD WORKS OR MY FUCKING HOME LIFE. I SOMETIMES TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT AS I TALK TO EVERYONE OF MY FRIENDS BUT FOR FUCKS SAKES STOP DRAWING YOUR FUCKING CONCLUSIONS OUT OF YOUR ASS.

I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ME HAVING AUTISM UNTIL YOU NONCHALANTLY BRUSHED IT OFF AS IF ITS SOMETHING YOU KNEW FOREVER. I FUCKING HATE THAT ASPECT ABOUT ME NOW. I NEVER FELT BAD ABOUT IT BEFORE BUT NOW EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT I FEEL BAD LIKE I SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THAT.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING ASSUMPTIONS OFF OF HOW MY MONEY SITUATION IS WHEN I’VE JOKED ABOUT IT? WHY ARE YOU SAYING IM NOT IN A POSSIBLY ABUSIVE SITUATION BECAUSE MY PARENTS DONT HURT ME. WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT IN GENERAL. DISAGREEING WITH ME ON HOW I AM WHEN I KNOW MYSELF VERY WELL.

I NEVER WANT TO VENT TO YOU AGAIN. I HAVENT IN A WHILE. BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU TAKE YOUR OTHER FRIENDS SERIOUSLY WHEN THEY FEEL BAD. AND THAT'S GOOD BUT FUCK ME IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD WHEN YOU KNOW THINGS ABOUT ME AND I DONT KNOW WHY I FEEL THAT WAY.

YOUR MY FRIEND AND I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU DONT MEAN IT AND I KNOW THAT IM NOT TELLING YOU THIS BUT... GHH. YOU HAVE ENOUGH SHIT BOTHERING YOU. I’M PROBABLY ONE OF THEM AND IM SORRY. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE THAN YOU ALREADY DO.

BUT WHEN YOU ASK ME IF ANYTHING IS WRONG, IT FEELS LIKE YOU’RE CONDESCENDING TO ME I DON’T KNOW WHY.

MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE MOST OF MY SCHOOL LIFE CONSISTED OF CONSTANTLY BEING SEEN AS STUPID AND BEING CONDESCENDED TO BY TEACHERS AND PEERS.

IM NOT STUPID. IM NOT STUPID.I PROMISE I’M NOT STUPID WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM STUPID. WHY WHY WHY.

BECAUSE I HAD BAD GRADES IN MY PREVIOUS SCHOOL?

IT WAS FRENCH EMERSON. I DIDN’T KNOW FRENCH WHEN MY PARENTS PUT ME IN. EVERY STUDENT THERE WAS FRENCH. I WAS IN A SCHOOL HAVING TO SPEAK A SECOND LANGUAGE I SUCKED AT WHEN IT CAME SO EASILY TO EVERYONE ELSE, I HAD TROUBLE PAYING ATTENTION BECAUSE ALL THE TEACHERS WERE SHIT, THE ONLY WAY I COULD DO WELL WAS TO DOODLE BUT MY TEACHERS HATED IT SO I COULDN’T. EVERYONE HATED ME. I WAS SUICIDAL.

MAYBE BECAUSE I BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY. SO SCARED TO FUCK UP THAT I ASK PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING. I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO BE MAD AT ME. MAYBE BECAUSE I’M A LITTLE BIT TOO LOUD. I’M SORRY. I HATE THAT TOO.

IM SORRY IM SO FUCKING SORRY PLEASE STOP CONDECENDING TO ME. IM NOT DUMB IM SORRY.

#vent/#dont rb

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cena316aa · 8 years ago

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I feel a little awkward for asking this but could you give me some advice? You probably get this a lot, sorry, but besides stuff you can google and stuff you reblog, are there any other signs of autism? And also, when speaking to an autistic person, what are the dos and donts? (If this is too much, that's alright)

Eyyy!!! It’s okay to feel awkward. I was in your place once asking people online and even in real life.

There are plenty of signs of autism and for people it varies. As you know, autism is a spectrum so it’s possible that you have a trait that another autistic person has to a stronger degree. For this, Imma tell you my symptoms.

I was considered shy in school. HOWEVER, if somebody brought up an interest, I would speak so much that the other person would not be able to keep up. And, the thing is that I had a problem knowing when to stop talking. On the other end, I wouldn’t speak much. If I was asked a general question, I’d answer it in one word. The person would keep staring, waiting for me to say more, but I would just get back to whatever I was doing. I remember one time in high school, we had to get into partners for a lab project and I was working while my partner kept talking. She asked me about music, and, since we were in biology, I would answer in short sentences. And she kept at it trying to get more out of me until finally I guess I snapped at her. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t until later on in the day that I realized I had been kinda rude. Verbally, I’ve had a lot of problems in school because it takes me a while to process what somebody said, but since we have to answer quick I’d spit out whatever words were in my mouth. This usually lead to me rambling or confusing the person. Also, I’d have problems with my tone. I think I came off as stuck-up to a lot of people. It didn’t help that I had above average intelligence (apparently a lot of autistics do).

I do have auditory problems. I watch stuff with subtitles or else I miss some things. I don’t have to, but it’s easier for me. In school, they’d do those auditory tests and I’d ace them but at home I’d have a hard time hearing when my mom called me which lead to her taking me to a specialist. When it comes to sounds like beeps I can hear em so well (sometimes my mom’s phone will ring and I’m the one to point it out), but when it comes to language it takes me a while. FYI, as a kid I had plenty of ear infections. I googled it. Turns out it’s common among autistic kids.

Speaking of school, I didn’t have any friends for three years in elementary school and I didn’t care. Thankfully, I was never bullied. I didn’t actually make “true” friends until high school. I didn’t consider them my friends until college. And, now, I realized they are what some people would consider “best friends.” It took me nearly a decade for me to see them as such. (as you can tell from this, I suck at relationships)

Also, I tend to avoid crowded, enclosed places. But not in a claustrophobic way. I can’t go into LUSH. If you don’t know what that is, they sell soaps and stuff with strong scents. First, the smell hits me. I like good smells, but if there’s a lot…I just can’t. I avoid perfume areas when I go to Macy’s and stuff. If I have to go through them, as a kid I would hold my breath. I actually still do that. Anywho, back to LUSH. So, it’s a small store. So small. And it’s filled with fragrances. I went in one time. It was crowded. So crowded. I felt my heart start pounding. I was sweating. I couldn’t breathe. My face flushed. I practically ran out. When I say I hate crowded places, I don’t really mean “crowded places.” I love amusement parks! Disneyland, Six Flags, Universal Studios…YES! But they’re open. If I’m inside a store and it’s crowded and there’s so much sensory input…I just feel suffocated.

Continuing the sensory thing, I am sensitive to sounds. I haven’t gone to a party in a long time…YEARS! Because of the music and talking. Also, when people file their nails…uggggh! I can’t! The scraping of a spoon against a styrofoam cup. NOPE!

I don’t like touch either. I hate it when people touch my hair. Same goes for my things. I have a collection of Pop Figures (collecting is another autistic trait) and my little sister knows not to get near them. One time, my mom accidentally dropped one and I went full meltdown mode. I tried to hide it but I failed. She called me “silly” and told me to grow up because they’re just “toys.”

Whenever I get anxious, I have a few things I do. I clench and unclench my fists. This usually happens when I’m trying to think of a way to get out of the current undesirable situation. I bite my finger (I do this when I’m bored, too). I tend to chew a lot which is why I try to have gum available at all times. It calms me down. I also bounce my leg when i’m sitting properly. I prefer to sit with one leg tucked under my body, though. I have a thing for pressure. I mentioned I hate light touches…but as a kid I would wrestle (I was obsessed with WWE) with my cousins. I would prefer to get punched in the face than hugged. In fact, punching is one of my self harm things. I punch tile until my knuckles turn red or sometimes bleed.

Hot weather irks me. I prefer cold. I am extremely sensitive to heat. I can’t go into the kitchen when the oven is on. I don’t really cook. Also, I don’t sweat as much as other people, but my skin gets unusually sticky. When other people are okay with the weather I’m practically dying cuz it’s too hot. Also, I hate heaters. I never use them. My parents never do either. I’m so glad! But when I moved in with my college mates they did use the heater and at night I’d feel like somebody was strangling me.

I have OCD and ADHD like symptoms, but my psychologist ruled those out because I didn’t meet the full criteria. I have a proper order for everything. I have a thing with numbers where some are “good” and some are “bad.” Even numbers are the best. Prime numbers are the worst. 5′s are acceptable. My ADHD like things involve hyperfocus. I get so caught up in a current activity that if you talk to me I’ll be on automatic and won’t remember what happened. Also, it takes me a while to switch from activity to activity. So, if I’m doing something and you tell me to do something else, I’ll get extremely irritated. I can’t multitask. Oh, and my mind always has to be occupied. Idk how to explain this but in lectures, I’d always doodle in class or if I could use my iPad I would. Not only did that satisfy my fidgeting, but it got my mind working. Chores are a torture because my mind is not occupied. I hate doing them. I love puzzles, video games, watching shows like Hannibal, because they’re like porn for my mind.

I would get grounded a lot as a kid for “talking back” to my parents. I still don’t know what that means. They tell me something. I answered. I got in trouble. I am still confused by that. More currently, somebody would get mad at me and I’d have no idea what I did. And, I’d try to look back on it but I wouldn’t be able to figure it out.

There are a lot of signs I can get into. These are just mine, if you want a more generalized thing let me know, but as I’m aware these things are commonly on the autism spectrum.

Now, for how to talk to people like me. It’s gonna be different to be honest. For me, I love talking about my interests which happen to be series (aka shows, anime, cartoons) and Marvel. Just be warned that I ramble on a lot about these things. The best thing you could do in that situation is listen and then maybe add your input. Another thing, I know this is dumb and I hate this, but I hate being contradicted. We tend to avoid conflict, so when somebody disagrees with us it’s like “you did not just.” Especially if you’re with an autistic that hates losing (I’m extremely competitive, you have no idea). Also, it’s going to be really hard taking about emotions. I don’t like talking about personal stuff face to face, but if you text me I will listen and give you advice. Keep in mind that autistic people are straightforward so if you’re upset about something we might end up giving it to you straight. Don’t come to me for comfort cuz it’s hard for me to provide. I mean, I can try! But, it might not be what you want.

But, just talk to us how you would with anybody else. We might need you to repeat stuff. We might end up changing the subject to one of our interest. We might ramble. But, most of us are trying. Just help us out if you see us struggling in a conversation. If you befriend an autistic person, you gain the most loyal friend you’ve ever had. :)

See, even on here I rambled a lot LOL! Hope my rambling didn’t confuse you. Thanks for your curiousity!

#autism #autistic #autism spectrum #autism spectrum disorder #ask #personal #anon

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buggybrains · 8 years ago

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Doing this meme! And since I figure no one will actually send me asks I’m just gonna answer all asks myself

Warning for asks that contain content related to self harm, suicide, drugs, and drinking.

1. Self dx or professional dx?

I actually discovered AVPD by being professionally diagnosed with it in the first place, yes

2. How long have you known you had AVPD?

Since I was diagnosed which was sometime around 2012? So thats about 5 years at this point. However I don’t think I actually knew exactly what AVPD WAS until maybe 2-3 years ago.

3. Were you diagnosed with social anxiety prior to AVPD?

I was diagnosed with major anxiety in 3rd grade (its been a long long while so I don’t remember the details exactly) mostlty because of my crippling emetophobia. I was never really diagnosed with social anxiety specifically though and I feel like it never really applied to me since I’ve always avoided anxiety-inducing situations when possible anyway.

4. Do you have any other cluster c PDs?

I suspect I may have DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder) to some extent, but mostly as a byproduct of AVPD. Otherwise it doesn’t seem like I do.

5. Do you have any other PDs in general?

I have some traits others have but not enough to really say I have the PD. And in cases like Schizoid PD, the traits I mostly share come from my combination of AVPD, depression, and autism.

6. Do you have traits of any other PDs?

The big ones I seem to have traits I share with are Schizoid, as mentioned above, since I choose solitary activities with little human interaction, I’m socially detached, my emotional range is restricted, I can’t pick up on social cues, etc. As you can see, a lot of it is just a combination of AVPD and autism for me personally, which is why I can’t say I have this PD.

And then a lot of the times I feel like I relate a lot to experiences BPD people have, but I don’t feel anything nearly as intensely as they do and don’t experience anything nearly as intensely as they do except in very particular situations. Most of the traits I share in common with BPD mostly come from my DPD symptoms.

7. Do you have any other mental illnesses?

Mental Illness wise - I have chronic depression and dysthymia.

However, neurotype-wise, I also have ADHD and autism.

8. Which AVPD symptom do you think is the most prominent in you?

My unwillingness to talk or interact with someone for any reason. Whether I just really want to say something, ask for help, express myself, go somewhere, initiate something, etc, its just always easier to. not. And in the end I always choose to just, not, without fail.

9. Do you have a safe person?

Yes, Mattie!! My symptoms are surely not gone when around them by a long shot but a lot are diminished to an extent.

10. What do you dislike most about having AVPD?

I can’t bring myself to do so much. I blame it for ruining a lot of my relationships and friendships. So many friendships have ended because I couldn’t bring myself to just say hi and check up on people. I couldn’t do anything as simple as that. And now I have barely anyone left.

11. What do you like most about having AVPD? (If anything)

Is there anything actually redeemable about AVPD? Haha. But I guess one plus is that I don’t feel social anxiety very often, since I’ll just avoid anything that will make me feel social anxiety pretty easily. I mean, you know, at the trade off of not doing anything I want to do. Sucks when I actually DO have something that is unavoidable I have to do though. Haha honeslty this isn’t a plus at all.

12. Have you ever been on medication?

No.... I’ve alwyas been too afraid of side effects and medication not working with me to try. Plus, I’ve alwys been negligent of other medication in the past, no matter what kind of medication it is. I fear my negligence with medication will ruin me when I have to use it for mental illness reasons, so I refrain.

13. Have you ever been in therapy?

Yes, but beyond a diagnosis and accomodations letter, it has never helped me.I just feel guilty for never being able to bring myself to do anythign requested of me (which is probably both due to my AVPD, and lack of desire to do anything for myself because of my depression. nothing was worth doing. it was easier to not do anything)

14. What do you think caused your AVPD?

A lot of things. I think the biggest one was my emetophobia though. I had it to such a degree as a child that I would do my best to avoid being too physically close to anyone in fear they would vomit on me without warning.

However, my brain being geared towards depression at a very young age and also being autistic probably added to this as well, since interactions between other people just become hard and not worth it.

15. Do your friends know you have AVPD?

My immediate family knows, though I don’t know if they remember. My friends online know though.

16. Have you ever been hospitalized, if so, was it voluntary or involuntary?

Not for mental illness reasons no.

17. Do you self harm?

Not in a way I can detect. Self harm seems to require some sense of self to do so, which I dont’ really have. Though also I fear I won’t be able to stop if I ever do start.

18. Have you ever considered suicide?

Somewhat. I consider isolating myself from the world first before then. I’m not worth death.

I can never really seriously consider and deeply think about suicide for myself since that requries commitment and effort. Its easier to just, not to. Like I deal with the rest of my life.

19. Have you ever attempted suicide?

See above. I can’t make that kind of commitment or effort.

20. Do you drink , smoke, or do drugs to cope?

Nope.

#personal #avpd #actuallyavoidant #actuallyavpd

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tnbwdlm · 6 years ago

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Ok but fic writers are awesome and I need (at least some of) them to be future screenwriters

like ok screenwriters are being more inclusive now than ever but imagine someone who started out as a fic writer

no introducing new characters for the sole purpose of being a love interest and then (sometimes) making an interensting character out of them. either established relationships, people who already like each other or WAITING TO SEE WHICH CHARACTERS ACTUALLY HAVE GOOD CHEMISTRY.

NO TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS or toxic relationships where SOMEONE (not necessarily someone in the relationship) notices and F*CKING COPING bc not every problem from the toxic relationship goes away with that person/people.

ppl admitting that they have been through abuse and not only romantically but by their friends/family

people who have accidents AND DON’T RECOVER!!! like, now there’s all the angst in the moment of the accident and wondering if the character is going to live or not but what about losing mobility or a body part forever?

Also mental disorders/illnesses/conditions! Give me more adhd/schizophrenic/autism/depression (NOT JUST BC SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO THEM)/bipolar/etc. (I don’t know many of these sorry) well researched and with some common and some not so much traits of their condition regarding their every day lives and not only a guest character that the main characters have to deal with the angst for 1-2 episodes.

People who seek professional help bc they’ve been through trauma and not seeing it as a bad thing! Ppl going to a therapist bc they have a stressful life or bc they get easily worried or something that is not usually considered reason enough to go to one BC THERE’S nOTHING WRONG WITH GOING TO SEE A THERAPIST.

Sex not being taboo and having sex conditions. Sexual relationships where one can tell the other(s) about their conditions. No slut-shaming (especially towards women), women can like sex, nymphomania... men can be raped too, women can be rapists, queer people can be rapists and/or raped.

WOMEN! QUEER PEOPLE! PEOPLE OF COLOR! MORE THAN ONE OF THESE AT THE SAME TIME! I’m not going to rant about this one bc although it’s a very big deal for me (being the three) I think that of the topics I’ve written about these are the ones that most people are already asking for.

F*ck it. We need more women. Gimme my trans women! gimme my curvy women! gimme my athletic women! gimme my thin women! gimme women with stretch marks, birthmarks, vitiligo, freckles, etc.! gimme WOMEN WITH BODY HAIR! gimme WOMEN WITH SHORT HAIR OR WITHOUT HAIR! gimme as many different types of women as you can ALL PERSONALITIES AND BODIES!!!

Show gay men who like dresses and others who like suits or the same man who likes both! Show me non-binary people! People who feel like a woman some days and others like a man or none at all! Trans women are women and trans men are men! Show me all my queers!!!

Some people of color have accents, some other people of color dont! Being of color doesn’t define who we are or where we are from!

And most importantly, none of this is the most interesting thing about the character. While there’s nothing wrong with having a story arch about this, THIS IS NOT THE ENTIRE PLOT! When we say we ant representation, we mean that we want characters that can fight an alien or solve mysteries or find a deserted island AND be (at least) one of these not characters that can’t possibly move a finger other than for coming out to people.

Ok so I went on a huge rant here and it probably could have been longer but I have to wake up early tomorrow so thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I know there are way more things I should have added or maybe some of this didn’t come out the way I intended it to and it sounds offensive to you so I’m sorry and it wasn’t my intention.

Also, I think what I ended up writing is more of a complain about current representation in Tv shows than possible future representation if fic writers end up being screenwriters (just to be clear, I am aware that there IS good representation but I think there’s too little).

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flockofdoves · 6 years ago

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i dont really know why im posting this on my public blog instead of privately or probably even more sensibly with people i care about (although i just feel so alienated, i’ve become good friends with people in college and i love them a lot but i’m not sure despite how open some people have encouraged me to be, if my relationships are close enough to talk about this kinds of stuff seriously, which might be a weird concern because i overshare all the time but i just always feel really guilty for it) i guess i mind less about people hearing this and more about burdening anyone in specific, idk!!

but yeah ive just been really emotional this week, or really ive had the same range of emotions as usual but ive just been crying a lot again. i used to cry almost every day and have like weekly panic attacks in high school when my relationship with my parents was really toxic and i was harassed every day at school my senior year, but since freshman year after my dad was diagnosed and then my nana passed away and then my dad passed away too for the most part i’ve just been holding in so much and i’m finally starting to let that out this past month or so but in really weird ways where i’ll burst out sobbing even in public over the stupidest shit

and thats started to happen multiple times a week as of this past week and its made me realize how i feel alone all over again. i have one person at university i would consider to genuinely be a close friend even if he may not consider me a best friend, i’m not sure, but we only see each other around every other week when we actually plan to hang out because we’re no longer in any of the same classes or dorms or anything. beyond that i feel most comfortable with people from work, and consider many of them to be my friends, but recently some of my co-managers have been speaking out about how they feel unwelcome in our work environment and it can feel cliquey and it makes me so upset that i didn’t pick up the cues that shouldve made me realize that, i feel like i’m not doing my part and if i am misinterpreting my relationships with my coworkers, then maybe they dont even consider me as much of a friend as i do them.

and then ive started to get closer with a few people ive only really talked to since school started and they really all are just such wonderful people and i want to get to know them better but i worry the way i’m opening up to them is disproportionate and unfair to them but i really don’t know how to navigate this all.

its making me realize i dont think my avoidant personality disorder shit ever actually improved for the most part, it was just that my two best friends, shannon and burke, and my girlfriend, jacqueline, have been a constant in my life for so long now that my constant anxieties about my relationships with others and my interactions didn’t feel as prominent because at least logically i knew i could rely on them

and of course i can, i love all three of them so much and they have been for me through so much, but since college i don’t get to see shannon every day and burke multiple times a month, when we catch up its wonderful, and i’m sure its all natural to how long term friendships work, but not having them here physically sometimes makes me feel a bit more lonely, because regardless of how many seemingly positive interactions i have with someone who isn’t them or who i’ve met in the past couple years, based on experience i can never have the reassurance that i have with them that they have explicitly given me throughout the years for ages after where i currently stand in all my irl friendships, and who knows how much of that all is mutual even now we’re those newer friendships are at. and even jacqueline, who i try to talk to as much as possible, this past year has been so emotionally draining that i’ve slipped into not talking at least once a day like we used to and i feel like i dont have nearly as much time as i want to be spending with her having fun. and for all three of them i worry i just am not there for them like i want to be.

and just specifically with romantic stuff it makes me so upset i’ve only ever got to visit jacqueline irl once, which was almost a year ago now, and that most of that memory even though i loved the short time we had i also associate with my dads health turning even worse because his legs becoming paralyzed while me and my mom were in oklahoma of course meant that we cut the trip short because of course we wanted to make sure my dad was safe and okay.

and yeah just after crying again today, my new friends hugging me was really nice, but when i went into my room right afterward i burst out sobbing, and i have no idea how to recover from this or comfort myself effectively, i only know how to sleep it off and feel like shit when i wake up halfway through the next day. so now thats why i’m writing this to vent and have been for like the past 45 minutes and still havent really gotten to all of it. i don’t know how to comfort myself but i know right now i just really wish i had someone that could just lie down with me and comfort me, maybe even a bit romantically.

and i feel really goofy for saying that, i get really self conscious about how immature i feel compared to so many people my age, sometimes i think its in part an autism thing but also i know other autistics at my university who aren’t like this so i really don’t have a decent excuse but like . i’ve never even done that with someone.

me and jacqueline only got to see each other essentially a day before i suddenly needed to go back to ohio, we were both so nervous, we took a while to even hold hands, and that day and a half we saw each other i had my first kiss, and later my last kiss i’ve had since. both of those and the ones in between being just a peck on the lips. i’m not complaining about that, i don’t think we should’ve rushed our pace, but i think it goes to show how lost i feel in navigating this all if even after knowing her so well and dating her for over 2 years at that point, i froze so much.

i’m comfortable with jacqueline with stuff like that because she’s expressed shes in a similar boat, and i really appreciate that understanding. i think its wonderful how we’ve been together for almost 3 years now, but also thinking about that is wild. i was in such a different place back then, i don’t think i really knew what dating someone or being in a relationship entailed. i’m happy with how we go about our relationship, but also i get really lost when comparing how i define and go about romantic things versus most people i’ve met in college. i’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but her, and i’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t long distance. i love her and i wish she were closer so maybe we could begin to figure that out together. also ive had a lot of casual crushes on girls at college in the past couple years and i think it would be really nice to explore that too, but honestly i have no idea how to go about that and its so daunting to try to think about so i just resign it as unrealistic unless something extremely significant changes within the next few years, and then i’ll be really pathetic for not knowing anything as a fucking 23 year old maybe in grad school or something. and so i just get to feeling more lonely and having more anxiety about my interactions and relationships with others.

i know its a common thing apparently for lgbt people to be “late bloomers” but im surrounded by so many lgbt people who are so far ahead of me with relationship stuff, and i don’t think i’ve met a single lgbt person in college besides myself who is quite this inexperienced/naive/etc.

i dont know how i’m ever supposed to learn this stuff at this rate, even if i feel slightly less bad about stuff like my appearance and personality nowadays (or more like, i know i look weird but i care less now because i dont care enough any more to try changing my appearance over it, and then i’m still terrible with communication and social cues and oversharing and all my weird shit etc etc etc but i guess at least i try to be compassionate and that must at least be somewhat noticeable if other people sometimes remark on it), even if people are fine with that and find me interesting enough, i really don’t see how almost any girl who got that far would then find it worth it to deal with how fucking stunted i am in that regard. like thats just not fair to have to have someone guide me around so much because i just have no idea what to do and no idea How to figure that out.

so yeah im just . having a rough time im very emotional and expressing it physically (which while somewhat cathartic after feeling so empty, also makes me feel worse because the context in which i last was like this is not one i want to dwell on now that my dad has passed and ive been in the process of forgiveness) and i have so much love for so many people but also i feel so so so so so lost and alone and stunted and i really just don’t know how to begin working on that and its really embarrassing to admit.

#cpost #uhhhhhh big vent post some upsetting stuff i guess but i really just dont want to tag anything rn im sorry

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