#sometimes I forget my life is completely different than it was a year ago and it’s so hard for me to process | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

erinawritesheadcanons2 · 1 year ago

Note

Could I ask for either a poly or love triangle with the DreamTale twins? They’re my comfort characters and I’m not doing too well emotionally recently. Love what I’ve read of your work! Have a good day! <3

Nightmare Sans and Dream Sans Love Triangle Headcanons, Ink and Error Love Triangle, Underfell Sans and Underswap Sans Love Triangle

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A/N: Hello there @artsyfangirl! I hope you do not mind that I am adding Fell and Blueberry as well as Ink and Error. Just take it as a bonus for you since you don't really have a good day!

Warning: Cursing from Fell

Gender: Neutral

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Nightmare Sans and Dream Sans

Almost impossible because the two of them are different and we cannot forget that Dream Sans and Nightmare Sans would always fight with each other as Nightmare is the leader of Bad Sanses and Dream Sans is the leader of Star Sanses.

It is like a war because the two of them are going to end up fighting with each other despite the war between the Bad Sanses and the Star Sanses ended many years ago but it's not as aggressive between Ink and Error Sans

Dream Sans going to steal your attention by trying to make you laugh with his silly antics or his stupid but funny jokes as he would talk with you.

He would also try to steal your attention by giving small but meaningful gifts, something like little trinkets, keychains, or maybe a hand-made sweet ( I headcanon that Dream can bake).

And he would also always listen to you talking about anything even though he does not understand. He would try to understand them and give the response that you want but sometimes....it fails.

Unlike Dream, Nightmare is much less obvious when he tries to steal your attention away from Dream Sans. He would secretly tell you about all the bad things Dream did.

When Dream is not around, he keeps you in his room and not letting you go out but keeps you around as his tentacles would hold you. Sometimes, his words could make you turn red because he would whisper those 'You look dazzling my dear in this outfit but you look even more amazing if you don't wear them.' (AYO- WHAT THE FUCK)

Trying to impress you by showing you what Dream might not have but he has it (For example, if you love the library. He would allow you to read the books in there and he would be your tutor).

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The stars sparkle under the darkness of the sky and two creatures stand together to see all of the stars since the stars shine the brightest at twelve at midnight. A skeleton with a golden cape and light blue jacket standing close next to his crush. They/he/she has (H/C) hair colour with (H/L) hair length with a pair of mesmerizing (E/C) eye colours and (S/C) skin colour.

Using his powers and the staff he always brought around, he created a portal into the Outertale Universe, a place where the stars were brighter than ever, and dreams seemed to come to life. (Y/N) was completely captivated by the mesmerizing beauty of the Outertale Universe. The stars twinkled with an enchanting light, and the whole place exuded a sense of peace.

On the other realm were a pair of cyan eyes seeing the sight from the crystal ball. A skeleton with tentacles and goopy slime all over him watched his brother being romantic to (Y/N) from the shadows, jealousy brewing within him as he saw Dream Sans and (Y/N) together in the Outertale Universe.

It did not take much time for a dark and swirling portal to appear far away from where Dream Sans and (Y/N) stood together to enjoy the sight of the stars, and ominous black tentacles emerged. They snaked towards you, reaching out like a rubber band and wrapping around (Y/N).

The cold sensation around the waist made (Y/N) (L/N) gasps in aghast, horror, and surprise. It was tight enough so you could not escape from the grip but it was not hard enough to hurt you in any way since he did not want you to get hurt. Nightmare Sans, who had been lurking in the shadows, had seized this opportunity to snatch you away from Dream Sans

Dream Sans was taken aback, a mixture of shock and horror painted across his usually cheerful face. In the blink of an eye, the person with (H/C) hair colour and (S/C) skin colour was taken away from Dream Sans and Outertale, leaving him in a stupor. "Oh no! I should go to Nightmare's castle!" He pulled out the staff from his belt.

On the other side of the world, (Y/N) crosses her/his/their arms together and stares at the goopy skeleton with a black stare. You are clearly not amused by his little stunt. "What are you looking at, don't give me that look," Nightmare Sans rolls his pinpricks. "Really? Suddenly kidnapping me out of nowhere when I was hangout with Dream?" (Y/N) squints her/his/their eyes. "Ughh, what so great about Outertale? I can bring you there every day if you want. I could even bring you to a better place," Nightmare scoffs.

The battle between the two brothers raged on, neither willing to back down as they wanted your attention and no one else could have it. . As this pattern continued, (Y/N) grew increasingly not amused with Dream Sans and Nightmare Sans constantly kidnapping her/him/them out of nowhere.

The constant fighting between the two skeleton brothers had become more of a burden than a romantic pursuit, and they/she/he wished for a way to break free from this never-ending cycle. "You two really acting like five years old. I'm even more impressed nowadays kids seem to be more mature than you two," (Y/N) mutters.

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Ink Sans and Error Sans

If the love triangle between Nightmare and Dream Sans is already bad. Ink Sans and Error Sand would be much worse than those two because they would constantly FIGHT for your attention.

It is so bad that sometimes it feels like you could just take a chair and popcorn just to watch the drama between these two because they would fight for anything, not just your attention.

Ink Sans when trying to get your attention is by bringing you to the portal and showing you all of the beautiful Alternate Universes to impress you since he is the protector of Aus.

He would also just steal you away when you have free time to draw together with him. Sometimes, he would throw bits of compliments on your drawing, even if it was bad. He just likes your creativity.

He would also try to create something out of his paintbrush, small gifts maybe something adorable such as plushies and giving it to you to make you happy.

Error Sans is not as romantic as Ink Sans sadly so he had difficulty stealing your attention but I can see that he would bring you to some beautiful AUS despite him being an AU's destroyer, to watch the star.

Protects you from the other skeletons surprisingly and not letting anyone touch you, especially Ink Sans as he glares at the protector of AU's since he knows Ink also has a crush on you.

Also, he's a bit of a bully. To get your attention, he would make fun of you and give you tons or ridiculous nicknames just to piss you off and he's always amused each time you react to him.

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On the small beanbag inside of the living room, a person with (H/C) hair colour with (H/L) hair length and a pair of (E/C) eye colour as well as (S/C) skin colour sitting on it with books sprawled around the small chair. (Y/N) had been enjoying a peaceful afternoon, nestled comfortably in the bean bag. Their/her/his eyes scan every word of the book.

The room was bathed in the soft glow of the setting sun, the perfect ambience for your novel. You had just begun to immerse yourself in the world of words when, out of nowhere, a mysterious portal appeared in the corner of the room. The portal was glowing with the colour of the rainbow decorating it.

Startled by the sudden appearance of the portal, (Y/N) dropped their book, their heart racing. From the portal emerged the skeleton with a spot of ink on his cheek, a giant paintbrush on his back and a giant brown cape draped on his back. The protector of the multiverse as he would protect the universes from certain skeletons.

"Hey (Y/N)!" Ink said cheerfully, a wide smile on his face. "What are you doing?" "I was just reading, Ink. What's going on?" Still, a bit bewildered by the unexpected visit, (Y/N) stammered to Ink Sans. "Well, I had this idea for some collaborative drawing, and I thought, who better to join me than you? We could create something amazing together!" Ink's pinpricks twinkled in excitement.

(Y/N) was initially hesitant because the books that you had been reading had not finished and it was in the chapter where the main character faced their rival. But the idea of spending time drawing and the thought about the possibility of creating art together with Ink sounded fun too. "Sure, why not? Let's go," (Y/N) agreed with a smile.

With a bright smile, Ink Sans gestured for (Y/N) to follow him back through the portal and leave behind the book that (Y/N) still had not finished. But all of that excitement was gone as (Y/N) and Ink went inside the portal. Unsurprisingly, there is another guest who was not invited by Ink. "Oh no....you gotta be kidding me," Ink sighs.

The skeleton stepped off from the strings once he saw Ink and (Y/N) on the ground. The familiar black skeleton with a black coat, blue hood and black slippers strutted up to both Ink Sans and (Y/N). "iT HaS BeEn SuCh a LonG Time Isn'T it? bUddY?" A smug smile spread across his face. "Error, Leave us alone. You had already spent time with (Y/N) yesterday. Today is my turn," Ink Sans rolls his pinpricks. "NaAh. I Don't ThiNK sO," Another portal appears behind him.

Ink Sans quickly took the giant paintbrush from his back so he could create a shield for you but he was too late because the strings were wrapped on every one of your limbs. Error Sans created another portal of his own and, with (Y/N) wrapped on his strings, stepped into it, disappearing from Ink's realm.

You couldn't help but let out a sigh of frustration. Turning to Error Sans, he was smirking and holding you as if you were his captive. "Error, you know we spent time together yesterday. You could have given Ink a chance. This isn't fair to him," you scold him,your irritation was evident in your tone.

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Underfell Sans and Underswap Sans

A love triangle between Underfell Sans, You, and Underswap Sans might be a little ridiculous because it feels like you are taking care of a skeleton that acts like a golden retriever and also some kind of skeleton that acts like an emo with anger issues.

The other one is going to bully you just to get your attention and just to see your reaction and the other one is trying to hog all of your attention and will follow you everywhere.

Underswap Sans can be a little bit of an attention seeker because he would try to make tacos ( and end up burning all of them or using the wrong condiment and creating something inedible).

If you are busy, would give you that sad look on you before begging you to hang out with him and when Underfell was too late to ask you, he would secretly smirk.

He actually knows that he does look innocent and cute despite he hate of getting called cute but when Fell was angry at him and you saw him. He will use his cuteness to get you on his side.

Underfell Sans can be a bully just like Error Sans but a little bit worse because he won't just be calling you ridiculous names. He would make you dress up for a deal, make you watch a scary movie, and be a menace.

Not surprisingly he would bring you to Grillby's bar to hang out with you and surprisingly he asked Grilly to help him out. Even though, he would end up having more tabs. He would pay for your meals and drinks as he wants you to taste the monster food too.

Underfell Sans also steals your attention by playing games together with you. I believe he knows many great games and he always invites you to play a multiplayer game with him.

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The temperature of the kitchen is rising as the sun goes up in the middle of the day, a person with luscious (H/C) hair and striking (E/C) eyes sat in the kitchen, typing away on your computer. The soft glow of her screencast a warm, amber hue across your face, illuminating the (E/C) eye colours.

It had been a long day, and they/she/he was racing against the clock to finish the mountain of files that had been assigned to her/him/them by the old-bladed head manager. But it won't stop nature from doing its job as (Y/N)'s stomach chooses this inopportune moment to growl with hunger.

You could not help but let out a quiet sigh, torn between your desire for food or the commitment to completing the tasks that had piled up. (Y/N) knew that they/she/he couldn't afford to lose any more time, but the rumbling stomach seemed to have other plans. With a heavy heart, (Y/N) decided to take a brief break.

She/he/they stood up from the chair and stretched their/her/his tired limbs and (Y/N) knew a hungry tummy would only distract the process of working and finishing the papers. In the fridge, you found some leftover chicken and colourful bell peppers. It was the perfect opportunity to whip up something quick and satisfying.

Before (Y/N) could make something, you could hear someone scream, "Mwehehehee! The magnificent blue is here!" Startled, (Y/N) turns around to see Underswap Sans. "Oh, hey Blue. Do you need anything?" (Y/N) tilts their/her/his head a little bit in curiosity. "Human! I heard your stomach grumbling! It was quite loud, human! how 'bout I whip up some tasty tacos for you??" The skeleton asks.

(Y/N) couldn't help but glance up at the ceiling, remembering that the Jolly Skeleton wasn't the best cook. His previous attempt at making tacos had been a disaster, he managed to burn them, and then, in a whimsical attempt to salvage the situation, he had sprinkled glitter on the charred mess. (Y/N) had tried to be polite and take a bite, but it had been quite a horrible mistake.

As (Y/N) hesitated, contemplating whether to accept his offer or not, the door to the kitchen from the living room was suddenly slammed open, causing both Underswap Sans and (Y/N) to jump in surprise. Standing in the doorway was Underfell Sans. "Oi, loser, You said you're hungry? Why don't we get some grillby on the corner? The dumb baby tacos aren't edible for your intestine," Underfell Sans grumbled as he glanced at Underswap Sans.

(Y/N) felt relieved as Underfell Sans gave a solution or an easy way out of the situation. You didn't want to hurt Underswap Sans's feelings, but you also didn't want to endure another round of eating burnt glittery tacos. (Y/N) turned to Underswap Sans and gave him a grateful smile. "Thanks for the offer, Sans, but I think I'll go with Underfell Sans this time. I'm craving for French fries," You told him. "B-but those are unhealthy! They have so much grease!" Underswap Sans said.

Underswap Sans couldn't hide the disappointment that washed over him when (Y/N) rejected his offer. He let out a resigned sigh and watched as Underfell Sans escorted (Y/N) out of the kitchen. There was a pang of sadness in his eye sockets before his eyes shifted to Underfell Sans who silently glared at him, puffing his cheeks altogether.

He turned to look at Underfell, who was secretly smirking at him. Underfell was well aware that he had managed to steal (Y/N)'s attention away, and the competitive edge between the two skeletons continued to burn.

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ponderingmoonlight · 1 year ago

Note

I wonder, could we request 2 prompts? Cause I had an idea where Gojo with prompt 11, how about Gojo confronting us after the whole “ Getou calling us a monkey and trying to kill us indecent” and out here searching high and low for him, driving out our physical health and mental health is decreasing. We get into an argument with him until we breakdown then prompt 66 comes in and Gojo comforts us and stays with us ( hurt with comfort is my guilty pleasure)

Oh I absolutely adore this idea, let’s do this! Let me know what you think 🖤 11. "You're not fine. You need to rest."

66. "Time for bed. Come on."

You saved me

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x fem!reader; former!Geto Suguru x reader

Word count: 2k

Synopsis: After your former boyfriend Suguru tried to kill you for being a non-jujutsu sorcerer, you fall into a deep depression. Satoru tries to reach out and help you through it, but you refuse to let him near you. Until he takes matters into his own hands.

Warnings: death, language, hurt, depression, abuse of drugs/alcohol

“He’s dead, (y/n). There was no choice but to take his life. Even Suguru wasn’t strong enough to outstand Yuta. Shoko said she’ll be able to stitch you up completely and that you’ll be healthy again. I’ll meet up with you tomorrow, okay?”

You sign and take another sip of the scorching whiskey in front of you. What time is it? You don’t know. To be honest you lost track of time long ago. After Suguru, your boyfriend of more than five years, called you a monkey and almost killed you for being a non-jujutsu sorcerer, you quit your job and moved further away. With some strip shows here and there you can just keep your head above water – it’s enough to pay for alcohol and your worn-down apartment at least.

That dreadful day changed you completely. You no longer wear a loving smile on your lips, your sundresses lie in the garbage as well as your dignity. You let your hair grow out and dyed it a completely different colour. At this point your curves are completely gone, eaten up by alcohol and lack of sleep. Your tired eyes are sunken and always adorned by dark circles. If you were seen on the street, not even Satoru would be able to recognize you anymore.

Satoru…You haven’t checked in with him since Shoko stitched you up over a year ago. Not that he didn’t try to talk to you. To this day he calls you multiple times a week and sends you countless messages, asking where you are and how you’ve been. You can tell that he’s truly worried about you, but you simply can’t let him see you like this, all worn down and consumed by grief.

The alcohol sometimes made you forget your own name, some nights even his. Your pain swallowed you after you realized that your whole life was a lie, that Suguru did in fact not care about you at all. Satoru just reminds you of your past, the agony you are so eagerly trying to forget. And that’s why you’re sitting here, inside an empty bar late at night with the 10th drink in your hand, head already completely numb and tired eyes covered by a pair of cheap sunglasses.

“Rough day, huh?”

You down the whole whiskey glass and order a new one without looking at the stranger that seems to talk to you.

“Rough life”, you comment dryly.

“So rough that you’re not even recognizing me.”

Your gaze shoots up, mind barely able to process what he’s saying. But this white hair you’d still recognize from miles away.

“How did you find me, Satoru?”

The wounds you hid so well over the past couple of days rip open immediately at his sight. He looks as good as usual, hair a little less fluffy than a year ago. But the bright smile he wears on his lips seems to stay the same no matter how old he his. Yes, it seems like he was able to move on and live his life – how good for him.

“You hid so well that it took me some time. And because you haven’t given any sign of life for a year, I thought I’d just stop by, y’know”, he declares casually.

“Maybe, just maybe I didn’t answer because I didn’t wanna be found by you. I’m fine, no need to worry”, you mutter, gaze glued to the dirty table.

“You’re not fine. You need to rest, (y/n).”

The sound of his voice is so unknown serious that you can’t help but stare at him. Satoru’s facial expression changed completely, cheeky grin gone with the wind. You can see his blue orbs staring at you through the shade of his sunglasses, inspecting you precisely. Did he really just come here to tell you to rest? How fucking stupid.

“What the hell are you talking about? I was just minding my own business when you came around after one year, only to tell me that I look like shit? Guess what Satoru, I don’t need your fucking help. Leave me alone.”

His presence robs you the air to breath. You jump up, throw two bills on the counter and stumble to the exit. The fresh air of the night hits you like a wall and makes it hard to inhale for a moment. Who does this fucker think he is to tell you what to do? You did just fine before he came along and now you’re feeling like crap all over again.

“(y/n), don’t run away from me. I’m faster anyway!”

“Just stop following me, idiot!”

“Don’t run away, then! Stop acting like a brat!”

Your limbs begin to shake in nothing but thick fury, mind clouded by alcohol and drugs.

“I don’t want you near me, Satoru!”, you cry out.

The ground underneath your feet seems to shake, you fall onto the wet street like a sack of rice. Your gut begins to turn uncomfortably, that feeling is way too familiar for you. Before you are able to tie your hair into a ponytail, the liquid of today leaves you in a gush and spills onto the tarmac.

“Gosh, I would love to take a picture of you now. But that’s actually not funny anymore.”

Satoru’s hand wraps around your hair and hold them up while his other arm prevents you from falling over into your own vomit. Tears pool your eyes, throat burning all over from the liqueur. It’s been a while since you had to puke because of alcohol, not the best feeling to be honest. You sob to yourself silently, body shaking like an earthquake from retching dryly.

“Someday I will drink enough to forget his name”, you choke out, arms trembling from the cold and exhaustion.

“You will never drink enough to forget him. Trust me, I tried.”

You wipe your mouth unladylike and sit up, world around you still twisting and turning.

“You’re not the only one who lost someone that night. He was my best friend, the only one I’ve ever had (y/n). It broke me to let him go. But what pains me even more is that you let yourself go this critically, completely lost in your grief and cut off contact with me, just like that. I am your friend too, (y/n). We could have gotten through this together. Instead, you chose to stay high and drunk to keep him off your mind. Let me tell you that sooner or later, past will catch up with you. No drug in the world will make you forget the feelings you’ve had for him.”

The way Satoru’s voice breaks makes you stare up at him with tears swelling up your eyes. To be honest, you never thought about Satoru’s feelings in all of this. Guilty conscience creeps up your spine and takes your breath away. Fuck, why do his words have to make so much sense?

“Why would you want to keep in touch with me? Maybe Suguru is right. Maybe I am nothing more than a monkey after all. And a bad friend on top”, you breathe out.

Satoru can’t believe his ears. Do you really think that you are worth less because you are a non-jujutsu sorcerer?

“(y/n), don’t you dare even thinking about that being true. Suguru was so wrong for all of this. And I get why you’re trying to forget him. Just let me help you getting through this, yeah? Let’s be there for each other.”

He stretches out his hand in front of you, a warm smile caressing his lips.

“Why would you try to help be after I left you alone?”

He may be fucking stupid and unserious from time to time, but Satoru has a heart of gold. Maybe the abused doesn’t necessarily have to become the abuser.

“Why? Because we’re friends, dumbass.”

A smile laugh escapes your lips, hands frantically washing away your salty tears. Oh, Satoru. Where would you be without him and his constant support? Probably dead, crushed under Suguru’s curse. And today? Sooner or later you’d probably kill yourself with alcohol and drugs.

You lay your shaky hand into his. With a swift motion, he lifts you up and embraces you into a tight hug. God, it feels so good to be finally held again. Maybe this is what you needed after rejecting any physical affection from other people for more than 10 years for Suguru’s sake. He smells so good, fresh like a morning in summer. And the heat of his body stops your delicate frame from shaking uncontrollably. Tears run down your cheek like a waterfall, soaking into his uniform in an instant. Satoru just stands there, arms tightly wrapped around you and his head laid on top of yours.

Something inside you snaps. You cry out in pain and grief, sobbing against his chest while he stays silent and lets you have your moment of sorrow. It must have been hard for you to deal with all of this shit alone, everything and everyone reminding you of Suguru. But Satoru is all the more pleased that you are finally allowing your feelings and that you can find comfort in his arms. Slowly but surely your sobbing gets softer and your body stops shaking. Hopefully you feel better now.

“You look tired. Do you live far away from here?”, he requests when you stayed silent for a few minutes.

“Just around the corner. You don’t have to stay though, looks pretty shabby.”

“Like you, that doesn’t stop me though. Time for bed, come on.”

Half an hour later he lays by your side, your body showered for the first time in a while and covered by his way too big t-shirt. Satoru’s arm casually hangs around your shoulder, gaze fixed on the ceiling above. Even in darkness his eyes shine like diamonds - absolutely mesmerizing. It feels so good to be finally held again, to not be alone with your depressing thoughts late at night.

“Why didn’t you just give up on me?”

“How could I do that? You are an absolute sunshine. I owe you so many moments of joy, laughter and good memories. I would rather die than give you up, especially when you need me. Jujutsu sorcerer or not, the world would be a so much worse place without a ray of sunshine like you on it.”

You burry your head in his chest when a new wave of tears threatens to overcome you. What a nice human he is. Despite everything you both been through, after all the pain he had to endure, the affection he holds for you in his eyes is the same as 10 years ago. He will after look after you, be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, will catch you when you fall. It’s you and Satoru against the world with Suguru always in your grieving hearts.

“You saved me again, Satoru”, you whisper into the silence of the room.

“We saved each other, (y/n).”

You smile to yourself, head laying comfortable against his chest. Maybe everything will be alright and you’ll be able to get over the trauma of the last years. Not today, but with Satoru’s help you to eventually get over it.

It just takes time.

#gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo saturo #jjk #jjk gojo #jujutsu gojo #jujutsu kaisen #satoru gojo #satosugu #gojou satoru x reader #jjk satoru #jujutsu kaisen satoru #satoru fluff #gojo x you #gojo fluff #jujutsu kaisen x reader

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noperopesaredope · 1 month ago

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I've Finally Figured Out Why Curly's Skin-Thing Frustrates Me

I was talking to someone earlier about how people sometimes refer to Curly as "corpse-like" and why that might be offensive to burn victims, and I was trying to explain why some people might think that way. I think after that conversation, I was finally able to articulate what frustrated me about Curly's burn situation. He doesn't look like he actually has burn scars.

Here are some real life 3rd degree burn scars (sorry if some of them have a before and after photo, they were the best I could get):

Here's also a diagram of burn severity just as extra stuff:

They appear very different from Curly's scars. They are more...wrinkly doesn't seem like the right word? They do not seem to have straight lines that flow in a specific pattern, and are more vein-like than anything. A lot of them also have a more regular skin tone. Whether pink or not, they are not the shade of deep crimson red that Curly's are. They overall look completely different in many ways. One might argue that different types of burns and different degrees cause different scarring, and I agree with that. In fact, having looked into burn scarring a bit more, I believe that Curly's scars may be 4th degree or higher, as it went past the skin.

Let's look at a few:

I have found an example of a real world burn survivor with some similarities to Curly:

youtube

(Honestly really liked this video, especially since it taught me a bit more about burn survivors when I first watched it a few years ago)

He, like Curly, had a disfigured mouth and eyes and whatnot. It shows that some of Curly's injuries are realistic, such as his mouth and probably his eyelid. However, his burns still look very different. All of them look much more similar to each other than they do to Curly.

In general, I have not yet found an example of burn scarring that looks similar to IRL scarring. I believe that's one aspect of this, but there is a second, bigger part. The big issue here isn't just that Curly doesn't look like he has burn scars, but that he does look similar to one of those medical textbook muscle diagrams.

His burns are a lot more fleshy and have a certain pattern to them that regular burns (even the most severe ones) don't. They follow lines across the body and take on a certain shape, whereas usually burn scars aren't quite like that. In face, the look a lot like the actual muscle structure:

(The bandages looking a bit like bones certainly doesn't help with that)

On top of it all (and this has always drove me insane), he is specifically described as having no skin. Even the most severe burn survivors have something. They have skin, or at least some sort of layer between the muscles and the outside.

According to all my research (and trust me, I tried), it is physically impossible to live without skin. You will die.

To me, Curly doesn't appear to have actual burn scars or even look like he was burned. Hell, before I knew anything about the game, I never would have guessed he had been burned. Instead, he looks more like his skin was peeled off, not burnt off.

A metaphor I used while talking to the other person is that Curly is like seeing a character who supposedly broke their spine, but then you learn that their entire spine actually disintegrated into nothing and they have literally no spinal cord. And you're like "wtf how is this bitch still alive" because you can live with a damaged spine but you cannot live with zero spine at all.

People don't think of him as a burn victim because there are no burn scars. In fact, I often forget he's a burn victim because he doesn't appear to have any actual burn wounds. Like, all his wounds don't look like burns of any kind. They look more like those medical textbooks. Thus, people see him as "corpse-like" because no living person with burn scars looks like him (at least, not that I can find). Because he literally looks more like a diagram of muscle structure than he does a burn victim. His design is unrealistic in a way that make people horrified.

He literally, in every possible way has no skin.

And that is why so many people are freaked out by him.

#mouthwashing #mouthwashing game #mouthwashing fandom #mouthwashing curly #captain curly #post crash curly #burn scars #burn victims #facial disfigurement #disability representation #character design #design analysis #i'm not gonna add a fucking tw to this post because most of these are photos of real people #Youtube

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lordeemailarchive · 1 year ago

Text

how I’ve been, revised

(20/09/2023) (Solar Institute Bulletin No. 22) (From London)

Aftershow quiet in Helsinki

Hey,

I just finished writing you a long letter, catching you up on how I’ve been. It ended neatly, tied with a little bow. I chose my words well, but I didn’t tell the truth. So I’m starting again, gonna type and not look back, and send what comes out.

I’m in London, have been since May. Things feel clear here. I haven’t seen many friends; mostly, I’m alone with my thoughts. I go swimming, I go to work, I walk home or take the train, I eat in my kitchen, I go to bed thinking about what I’m making. I’m starting to miss my friends and family, like a vitamin I’m deficient in. Soon I’ll be going back to New York, and then home.

I’m living with heartbreak again. It’s different but the same. I ache all the time, I forget why and then remember. I’m not trying to hide from the pain, I understand now that pain isn’t something to hide from, that there’s actually great beauty in moving with it. But sometimes I’m sick of being with myself. I eat chocolate to try and manipulate the endorphins, bring back the sweet happiness of Easter morning. I sit in the time machine and wait for it to move, but it hasn’t been invented yet.

My body is really inflamed, it’s trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it but nothing seems to help and I get frustrated. My gut isn’t working properly, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve gotten sick half a dozen times. I realised earlier this year that listening to my body is hard for me, it’s something I never really learned how to do. I’ve been trying to teach myself that this year, but it’s been hard actually, pretty confronting, has made me fully aware of all the times I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed, shamed it for a fight or flight response, took a handful of pills and pushed through. The little yellow pill I took every morning for thousands of mornings since I was 15, I stopped taking it 5 days ago. Gonna see how it goes.

I go online and look at everyone. Beautiful people sing to me. Everyone’s gotten really good at the same thing. I look at arched backs and wet flower mouths, the right bag, the right sunglasses. I wonder if it feels as good as it looks, it’s been so long since I chose the best picture from a hundred, lined it up like pulling an arrow taut in a bow, and let it go. Everyone looks very thin. Just thinking that makes me feel tired and far away. I’m not sure if it’s having an effect on anyone else. I keep spending money, wondering if what’s in the package will make me feel right, but I guess I buy the wrong things. I was gonna go to fashion week in Paris, had all these grand plans, but this week I txted my manager and pulled out. At the start of my career I promised myself I’d never be one of the people in the light smiling if it wasn’t real.

Earlier this year, I ate two handfuls of mushrooms, solid doses that tasted like green dirt. I got a lot of information about what my body had been through in our time so far, what it needed, where God was and where God wasn’t; I felt in my bones how destabilising it is to leave home and start a new life the way I did. I also saw that my body is completely magnificent, and that hating it is as futile as hating a tree; that I truly, truly love doing my job, and that my life is like a beautiful tapestry, and every inch of it is precious and has meaning.

It might seem funny or be easy to forget, but I make records because I need to. The songs are spells; a spell to let go of something, a spell to unlock a door. Every time I put something into words just as I see it, set it to the right music, a knot comes loose in me. But it hurts too, confronting the knots. I’ve made enough records to know that this feeling of my skin coming off is part of it. I know I’m gonna look back on this year with fondness and a bit of awe, knowing it was the year that locked everything into place, the year that transitioned me from my childhood working decade to the one that comes next — one that even through all this, I’m so excited for. It’s just hard when you’re in it.

So in this state, I went out on a short European festival tour. We built a cool new version of the show in a couple days. It was good to change gears and get out of my head. I put effort into the show, changing the setlist and arrangements, it was cool how you picked up on that, and it felt good dancing to the new versions with you, looking out at you, all sweaty with your friends, all on the same drugs. I felt the throb of history that’s under this music now, how each year makes these songs feel more like collectively written and sung pieces. I left my body and merged with yours and it was ecstasy. Then I went home to a business hotel and washed the glitter and smoke out of my hair.

Lauren took some beautiful pictures — sharing a few with you here.

Backstage in Portugal.

Cute Polaroid series of the 6pm, 8pm, and 10pm versions of me on a show day.

I’ve read some great books recently, including Drive Your Plow over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk, Speedboat by Renata Adler, Motherhood by Sheila Heti, Rough Translations by Molly Giles (brought into my life by sweet angel bookworm Chris Chang), Birds of America by Lorrie Moore; am waiting on my copies of ĀRIA by Jessica Hinerangi and Te Ana Ata: Menstruation In The Pre-Colonial Maori World by Ngāhuia Murphy. Was given Wawata - Moon Dreaming by Dr. Hinemoa Elder which I’m loving looking to as the Maramataka evolves.

It was Te Wiki o Te Reo Māori last week, I loved listening to this from London. This vid from Hemi showing the similarities between te reo Māori and ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi is so sick.

Been meaning to tell you about The Kindness Institute too, a mental health resource for Māori rangatahi that has recently lost government funding. Go check out the beautiful, necessary mahi they’re doing — I know the cost of living is cooked for Kiwis right now and pop stars asking people to donate sux, but if you work at a good sized company maybe you can wrangle a donation from your employers?! I’m gonna email my record company about it.

Other bits that have inspired lately:

Dieter Rams’ principle of “as little design as possible”. This fantastic interview with Thom Yorke. Maddie’s unbelievably beautiful Melo inspired tattoo.

Loving the beautiful new Troye songs and vids, Kelela’s Raven hitting right on the e-bike rides home, late to the magic of Frou Frou but glad I’m here, and the rest of my brain is M.T. Hadley, this great Te Whanganui-a-Tara based band Womb, and Talk Talk. And for those it concerns, have been pilled by parasocial big cousins Jason and Chris. My mum just sent me a Sylvia Plath poem that feels like it sums up the above, I’ll copy it here:

They thought death was worth it, but I Have a self to recover, a queen. Is she dead, is she sleeping? Where has she been, With her lion-red body, her wings of glass?

Now she is flying More terrible than she ever was, red Scar in the sky, red comet Over the engine that killed her— The mausoleum, the wax house.

Sylvia Plath, "Stings"

Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I still laugh every day, it’s all moving, even when it goes slow. I’ve accepted the mission — I have a self to recover.

Speak soon, E X X X X X

(source: received this email)

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imaginesfordifferentfandoms · 2 years ago

Text

Get Out Of Here (Not Without You)

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Prompt - “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain, just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

When you had first moved to Boston you knew then and there you knew your life would change, accepted into one of the top schools on a full ride scholarship, leaving your small town behind and being the first in your family to make such a huge decision. Of course you hadn’t quite expected how drastically your life would change, you hadn’t expected to be sat in your dorm room working on a paper that seemed so important at the time listening to soft music in the background before the radio to cut out abruptly with an emergency broadcast telling you to stay inside, hadn’t expected the flat hum of the phone as it refused to dial any number.

You still remembered those early days, sitting alone in your dorm room with no information on what was happening. You remembered the first bomb dropping, remembered how, even though it was far away, your whole room seemed to shake and you stood from your bed abruptly to run over to your window just in time to see the next bomb. You still didn’t know how you’d survived that but eventually you had to leave your room and that’s when you saw them, or more realistically it saw you first, its head cracking over in your direction before the rest of its body followed and you ran until your chest hurt.

You’d gotten lucky, you’d found one of the quarantine zones in the first month of the government having set them up, you’d been in here long enough to hear people’s horror stories of having to walk for miles, days on end, just to get here, heard how they had narrowly escaped the clickers. You’d only ever seen a handful of them and that had been in the first month of the outbreak, you couldn’t even imagine how they had evolved in the many, many years you’d been in these walls.

It seemed strange at first, hell sometimes it still felt strange, how the world in these walls never seemed to change. Here you were with jobs that provided ration cards, an apartment, if it weren’t for all the guards it’d be easy to forget about the outbreak.

Sometimes you were curious though, you’d stop counting how many years it had been since you first walked into the quarantine zone but it was long enough for you to forget what the outside world looked like. You’d heard stories about what they called the Open City but each one was even more unbelievable than the last, headless clicker roaming the streets, dead that had been set on fire still moving, hordes of them attached to each other as they made their way through the city.

You wanted to go outside, it’s not like you wanted to go very far either but it’d be good to remember what the old world looked like, to remember that beyond these worlds you once had a life, a life that was so different from this.

You had a gun stashed away underneath your floorboards, you remembered how fast the dead things moved all those years ago but it was a risk you wanted to take and there was only one person in the quarantine zone you knew that snuck in and out.

“Joel-” You started to argue but he cut you off before you could even begin.

“Don’t.” Joel said, shutting you down immediately, not even entertaining the idea for a second. “What makes you think I’d ever say yes to takin’ you out there?”

“I’d be with you, Joel, I’d be safe.” You insisted and watched as his face hardened and somehow felt like you’d said the complete wrong thing.

“I can’t keep you safe, Y/N! When I go out there I don’t have to give a damn about anyone else, if I take you out there-” Joel cut himself off as he sat heavily on the sofa and glared at you. “Don’t ask me again.”

“But Joel-” You tried again only to be cut off for a second time.

“What did I just say?” He snapped and you rolled your eyes as you sat down next to him, arms crossed over your chest and definitely not pouting. “Why you so desperate to get yourself killed anyway?”

“Why are you so damn sure I'll get myself killed?” You shot back before sighing and sinking further into the sofa. “I just, I don’t know, ok? Part of me just needs to see the outside world, it’s been so long. I know it’s dangerous, trust me I get it-”

“You don’t get it, Y/N/N.” Joel interrupted you again but this time his voice was softer as he leaned back into the cushions and turned his head towards. “There’s shit out there you don’t need to see, alright?”

“I wanna go outside, Joel.” You told him, lowering your voice to match his, not demanding anything but just repeating it. “I know it’s dangerous and I know I’m asking you to risk a lot but I really want to see outside the walls at least once more in my life.”

“There’s nothing good out there, not anymore.” Joel told you honestly and you nodded, you believed him, the second those bombs fell from the sky it felt like everything good had been taken with them. “You’re safe in here, Y/N, just…just stay in the walls.”

Despite Joel’s warnings you found yourself only a few nights later waiting until the guards’ shifted positions before you were sneaking out, knowing the way through information Joel had let slip across the years. It took a long time, there were a few close calls where you had to be as quiet as possible, but eventually you could see an opening to the city.

By the time you were out of view of the quarantine zone it was too dark to see much of anything, a strange feeling when years ago you had walked Boston’s streets at all hours of night and the streets had been lit up from streetlights, the lights from cars still out at that time, lights spilling out of bars and apartments.

The first thing you noticed was how quiet it was, the stories you’d heard made it seem like the streets would be filled with monsters, you unable to move past them, but the streets sounded empty and so did the building you entered, you weren’t sure how well you’d sleep out in the open city but you were going to hide away until the morning and explore as much as you could before sneaking back into the quarantine zone.

It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep that night and when you woke up the next morning to the sunlight on your face you felt a burst of excitement. Last night it had been far too dark to see anything and you knew you only had a few hours of daylight. It wasn’t long before you were up, double checking your backpack and making sure your gun was loaded before you were pulling the door open, waiting a moment to see if you could hear anything, and heading out into the city.

You paused in the doorway of whatever building you had entered last night and stared out, frozen in disbelief. Skyscrapers had collapsed, some falling into each other whereas others had crumbled into piles of rubble. Greenery covered almost everything in sight and you couldn’t help but notice how the world had never seemed so green before the outbreak, maybe you just couldn’t remember but the city had never felt so full of nature.

As you walked further into the city you saw all the cars, ambulances, police cars, all of them dusty and long since dead, covered with leaves and moss. Your stomach turned as you saw a stuffed bear laying abandoned on the floor, looking up to see a kid’s car seat bloody in the car. You forced your feet to move, surprised at how easy it was to walk through the city, there wasn’t a clicker in sight, you’d been walking for a good hour, making your way through streets and buildings to get to the other side when the way was blocked and other than seeing dead bodies you hadn’t seen much else.

You finally came across a building you remembered, it was the library. In the year you’d lived in Boston you had practically lived in this building, could still remember the text books littering your table as you wrote your papers. To see it now was strange, it was long abandoned and the building had its fair share of greenery growing around it.

You hadn’t even taken five steps into the building, eyes wide as you looked around, when you let out a scream, the sound muffled as a hand wrapped around your mouth and an arm wrapped around your middle, trapping both your arms to your side and stopping you from getting your gun.

“And you're dead.” You heard a voice hiss in your ear before you were shoved away, barely staying upright as you stumbled and turned around.

Joel was stood before you, gun slung around his shoulders as he glared at you and you glared right back even as your breath came out quick and fast and your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest.

“What the hell Joel?” You shouted, stepping forward to push at his chest but he caught your wrist and pulled you close.

“Me?” He questioned in disbelief and tightened his grip as you tried to pull away. “What the hell are you thinking? Clearly you’re not! Jesus Y/N, you could’ve got yourself killed.”

“I asked you to bring me and you didn’t-”

“Don’t you dare put this on me.” Joel told you, his voice cold as he continued to glare at you. “If you die, that shit ain’t on me.”

You knew Joel was only shutting down on you because you had scared him, he liked to think he had his walls up but you’d known him for years at this point and you could read him as easily as you could your favourite book.

Joel hadn’t exactly been looking for friends when you’d met him working the same job but you had been persistent and before he knew it you had wormed your way into his life, even after he swore not to let anyone else in, he couldn’t go through another heartache. At first he kept his distance, refused to answer any questions about his life before but eventually he started letting you in, there was still a lot you didn’t know about his life before but then again the people you were before the outbreak were whole different people so you didn’t mind.

At some point it became second nature to spend all your time with Joel, it was rare to see you without each other and you weren’t surprised when you started liking the man. Joel had been cold and gruff when you had first met him, most people took one look at the man and decided it wasn’t worth the energy it would take to break through that hardened exterior but you hadn’t even given it a second thought, hadn’t been concerned with how long it’d take him to relax around you, you liked cold Joel, he snapped and glared but you liked him.

“Joel,” You began, bringing your other hand up to his, brushing your thumb across his knuckles before pulling his fingers off your wrist, Joel not resisting and you figured maybe he was calming down now that he had you in his sights. “I’m sorry, ok? I know this isn’t a game, I know it’s dangerous but I had to see.”

“Yeah I know you did.” Joel sighed and brought his hand back up to cup the back of your head as he pulled you into his chest and you didn’t hesitate to cuddle into him, finally feeling your heart rate settle. “Is it what you thought it’d be?”

“It’s quieter than I thought,” you told him, pulling back only far enough so that you look up at him questioningly. “It’s weird too, I remember the streets were never quiet and now it’s deadly silent. I remember being in here during exam season and every seat was filled, even if people didn’t speak there was always noise, the turning of a book, somebody coughing, the scratching of pen against paper. The world really ended Joel.”

“You’re alright.” Joel assured as he pulled you back into his chest, wrapping his other arm around your shoulder and it was only then you noticed the tears slipping down your cheeks. It had hit you long ago, the reality of the world, but seeing it again after years of comfortable living seemed to shake you more than you thought it would. “You’re alright, Y/N/N.”

You nodded against his chest and wrapped your arms around his waist, taking a deep breath as you composed yourself. It wasn’t long before you were pulling back and looking around the library. Chairs and tables had been flipped, books and loose pages scattered across the floor whilst leaves and moss covered most of the surfaces.

“We should go.” Joel murmured but you shook your head, turning to look back at him with pleading eyes and he sighed before you could even speak. “One look around and then we go, stay close to me.”

“Thank you, Joel.” You said softly after a moment of silence and watched as he swallowed before he nodded at you and gestured for you to follow him.

Your fingers lightly traced the book shelves, somehow even after twenty years you were still able to find your way around, old, worn signs telling you you had remembered right.

“I used to study back here all the time, me and my friends would work on our papers and prepare for finals.” You told Joel and out of the corner of your eyes you saw him smile softly at you. “Back then it had seemed so important, you know? Like passing those exams or getting the best marks on our papers was the difference between life and death.” You chuckled as you ran your hands along a chair. “God, looking back now we were so stupid.”

“Nobody knew this shit was comin’.” Joel told you and you nodded, looking over at him to see him leant against a bookcase that looked ready to give out.

“It doesn’t even seem real, that life all those years ago.” You frowned as you moved around the table to go down another aisle and Joel nodded, opening his mouth to say something else before you interrupted.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, stumbling back into Joel’s chest and he didn’t hesitate to shove you behind him, gun raised before he saw a body on the floor, blood covering him and his chest practically torn apart. “What the hell-”

“Shh.” Joel shushed you, turning around to face you even as his wide eyes focused on everything but you, like he was looking for something.

“Joel-” You whispered but he shushed you again and you felt genuine fear fill you, your stomach dropped and you blood ran cold as you went to look around but Joel stopped you.

“Eyes on me, baby.” He murmured, keeping his voice soft and low, barely audible and you didn’t even have time to appreciate how good him calling you baby sounded as you took a deep breath and turned back to Joel with wide, scared eyes. “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain, just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

“Joel,” You whimpered and Joel cupped your cheek, bringing your foreheads together as he shushed you once more.

“I know you’re scared, baby, I know,” Joel whispered and you felt your eyes fill with tears. Joel was looking back at you and though he tried to hide it you could see he was scared and if something scared Joel you knew it had to be bad. “We have to be silent now, no more talking, trust me, I’m gonna get you home.”

You nodded and Joel wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek, before he placed a soft kiss to your forehead and pulled away.

‘Stay behind me.’ Joel mouthed at you and you nodded, practically gluing yourself to his back as he moved, both of you stopping dead in your tracks as an inhuman sound came from behind one of the book cases. You felt your heart stutter as you looked at Joel but his focus was on the direction the noise came from before he turned to look at you.

‘Quiet.’ He reminded you and you nodded, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood to stop any sound from escaping. He tilted his head and you nodded again, keeping half a step behind him as you held your breath.

Just as you turned a corner you gasped but Joel turned and managed to cover your mouth just in time like he had been expecting the reaction. In front of you was, you couldn’t even describe it, it was monstrous, how that had once been human was mind blowing. Tears slid down your cheeks as Joel kept your mouth covered and the thing made its way towards the two of you causing you to screw your eyes shut.

You looked up at Joel when he tapped your cheek and Joel made a gesture where he pointed towards the clicker before he covered his eyes and mouthed ‘they can’t see’ before pointing to his ear ‘they go off sound’. You nodded and Joel removed his hand, watching how your face scrunched up in an effort to slow the tears and suppress any sobs.

He had to get you out of here, it was the only thought in his head as he kept himself between you and the clicker, making sure each step was silent. You’d managed a good few steps before the thing stopped dead in its tracks and turned sharply to face you and you couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath, that was enough for the thing to launch itself at the two of you.

Joel barely caught it, keeping his arm under its chin to avoid being bitten as he tried to get a good shot on his gun whilst also keeping one eye on you.

“Get out of here!” He yelled at you and he could see you frozen in fear. “Y/N, baby, you gotta go now!”

“I can’t leave you!” You called back and the clicker responded to the noise, trying to fight its way to you but Joel kept his grip on it somehow.

“Y/N I promise I’ll be right behind you!” He grunted as he tried to force the clicker back. “You gotta go!”

You waited another second before nodding and he watched you go with a sigh of relief, finally able to throw the clicker to the side. It only stayed on the floor for a second before it snapped back up and lunged at Joel.

Joel shot at it four times, each time missing its head with how much it was moving. Joel managed to shove it back down on the floor and shoot its chest before running the way you had gone, hiding behind one of the book cases and keeping as silent as possible. In the distance he saw you crouched behind one of the tables and took a silent breath as he peered around to see where the clicker was, the thing was up again and moving through the aisles, thankfully going the other way.

Joel stayed silent as he made his way over to you and saw you with your knees drawn to your chest and your eyes screwed shut. He lightly touched your knee and silently shushed you as your eyes flew open.

He pointed to where the clicker had walked off to and saw the gun clutched in your hands, gently prying it from you and seeing how much ammo you had.

‘You, go out the door, wait.’ He mouthed to you, motioning between you and the door before he watched as you shook your head. He nodded back at you before pointing to himself, raising the two guns he held. ‘I’ll distract it, you go.’

‘Joel,’ you mouthed and he could practically hear your pleading town as more tears slid down your cheeks. ‘I’m sorry.’

Joel just shook his head, you weren’t doing this now, right now he had to get you out of here and then he would deal with everything else. You weren’t going to die today, he wouldn’t let it happen.

‘Go baby.’ He mouthed and gestured for the door, watching as you took a breath, your mouth thinning into a line as you choked back sobs before you nodded at him. He cupped your cheek and you brought your hand up to his, hesitating for a moment before leaning forward.

It wasn’t exactly a kiss, both of you were too focused on being silent for it to be more than a brushing of your lips together but Joel pulled you closer anyway and held you against him for a second longer before he pulled back and brushed his thumb across your cheek bone.

‘Go.’ He mouthed again and this time you nodded more confidently as you stood silently and Joel followed after you, the two of you parting ways so Joel could grab the clicker before it got to you.

He knew how fast these things moved and if he had gone with you the door wouldn’t have even been able to open before it was attacking you, at least this way he could be sure you were out of the door and far away from this damn thing.

The two of you looked at each other and Joel nodded at you, he watched you take a breath before your hand touch the door knob and turned it, the sound causing the clicker to let out a loud noise that had Joel lunging for it before it could take more than a step in your direction. He wrestled the thing, trying to shove it as far away from the door as possible and out of the corner of his eye he watched as you left, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief as he focused on the clicker.

It felt like hours before Joel managed to shove it to the floor, sweat pooling at his forehead as he shot both guns, using up all the rounds before he watched the thing finally lay lifeless, not movements coming from it. He took a moment to lean against the wall and catch his breath before he turned his head to the door.

After a few more seconds he made his way out of the building and scanned the area for you, frowning when he didn’t see you but the frown left as you peaked your head out from behind a car. In a few large steps Joel was pulling you into his chest and you were sobbing as you held onto him like he was your life line.

Joel’s hand rested on the back of your head as he held you up, his arms holding you close to him and he could feel your fingers digging into his back as you choked out apologies. Joel just kept shushing you as you continued to apologise, he knew he needed to move the two of you, he had no ammo left and the dark was starting to set in but he wanted to make sure you were ok first.

“Hey,” Joel said, pulling back and tilting your chin so you could look at him, he didn’t speak as he wiped gently at your cheeks, leaving his hands there as he spoke. “You have nothing to apologise for, alright? You needed to see for yourself what it was like out here, I get it Y/N/N, I do but you’re alright, I promise.”

“I should’ve listened to you Joel.” You sniffed and he smiled softly at you.

“You got an idea in your head, I should’ve known there was no stopping you.” He said and you let out a wet chuckle. “I’m not mad at you, we’re both alright.” Those words made your eyes widen and you pulled back abruptly causing him to frown.

“Are you?” You asked, tugging his sleeves up and inspecting it for bites before moving the collar of his shirt and checking there too. Joel chuckled as he caught your wrists in his hands, more gently than he had earlier and shushed you.

“I’m okay, promise.” He told you and your eyes ran up and down him before you sagged in relief, trusting that he’d tell you if he wasn’t. “Now will you please let me get you home?”

“Please.” You practically begged and Joel smiled softly at you before gesturing for you to follow him though there was no need to really, Joel’s arm was still wrapped around your shoulder and you had practically attached yourself to his side.

It was well into the night by the time the two of you got home, having Joel with you made it easier to sneak in and it wasn’t long before you were quietly entering his apartment. The walk home had been mostly silent, your thoughts running a mile a minute and Joel content with the silence and the feeling of you in his arms to tell him you were ok, that you were alive.

“Go clean up and change.” Joel told you as he closed the door and set his backpack down before moving to take yours off for you and then gently pulling your jacket off.

You didn’t say anything, just smiled over at him before moving into his bedroom and pulling out one of his shirts before shuffling into the bathroom. It was only a few moments later he heard the shower running and let himself collapse into the sofa, suddenly feeling drained now that he had gotten you back to safety.

He knew you were too damn curious for your own good, knew that you needed to see the world for yourself. He should have known you’d have gone out there with or without him, hell some part of him had known and that’s why he checked your apartment at five in the morning before marching back to his room and packing his gun, desperately hoping you hadn’t gone and got yourself killed.

Any of the initial anger he had felt seeing you gone had worn off long before he found you and now he could only feel relief. He knew you were terrified, the last time you had seen clickers up close was when the outbreak started, you’d told him about the bombs in the city and being scared at how fast the things were but this was different, this was twenty years of evolution.

Joel sighed and lay down on the sofa, throwing an arm over his eyes. You were fine, the clicker hadn’t gotten near you and he had got you home safe. He could hear the shower running and knew you’d be out any minute, dressed in his shirt and ready to fall asleep in his arms.

That thought sent his mind back to the kiss. God, it hadn’t even been more than a small brushing of the lips but God, it had left him breathless. He knew you liked him, he wasn’t stupid. At this point you had practically moved into his apartment, the two of you spent more nights asleep together in his bed than you’d slept in your own bed since being here. He just couldn’t put himself in a position to get hurt again but today had shown him how even if he went the rest of his life without telling you how he felt he knew if anything happened to you it’d kill him, so why not at least make the most of the time he had with you.

He didn’t mean to drift off, one second he was just resting his eyes and the next he was blinking awake when he felt something shift next to him. He forced his eyes open and looked down to see you had pushed yourself into the small space between him and the sofa, your body more on him really, and a blanket thrown over the two of you. Your hand gently ran across his chest before you lay it flat against him and cuddled into him.

Joel brought his arm around you and you glanced up at him with tired eyes but still smiled at him and he couldn’t help but return the gesture before he placed a soft kiss to your head.

“Go to sleep, baby.” He murmured and watched as your smile widened, eyes lighting up now that you were safe and could enjoy the way the pet name sounded coming from Joel’s lips.

“Does you calling me baby mean you’re ready to tell me you love me?” You asked, tone light and joking so that Joel didn’t freak out.

“Sure does.” Joel said back, your eyes widening and smile dropping when his tone stayed even and serious, his lips twitching upwards as he looked at your expression. He had thought on the way home how he could tell you and hadn’t come up with anything but you had given him an opening and he decided it didn’t need to be a big deal. He knew how he felt about you and now you knew too. “Go to sleep, baby.”

“Yeah,” You said, still looking up at him in disbelief before your lips pulled into a wide smile and you reached up to cup his cheek before pulling him into a kiss.

The angle wasn’t great for it but that didn’t matter as Joel kissed you back, the kiss soft but filled with lots of pent up emotions but there was no rush, the two of you were home and safe and had each other and plenty of time.

When Joel pulled away he couldn’t help but smile down at you, your eyes stayed closed for a few seconds longer before they fluttered open and you smiled back at him.

“God baby, I’ve wanted to do that for years.” Joel told you, causing you to laugh because he could have done that years ago and you wouldn’t have had any complaints. Despite how badly Joel wanted to keep kissing you, hell he could have spent the whole night like that quite happily, he could see the tiredness in your eyes and could feel his own exhaustion pulling at him so instead he pulled you into his chest and wrapped the blanket around you both tightly before pressing a lingering kiss to your head.

“Get some rest now, baby.” He murmured into your hair and felt you nod against his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as you let your eyes fall closed.

The room was silent except for the sounds of your breathing and Joel had thought you had drifted off until you spoke again, your voice was soft, barely above a whisper but you needed to say it before you fell asleep.

“I love you too.” Joel grinned down at you and kissed your head again, whispering the words back once more before he finally felt you relax fully against him as you fell asleep.

He found it quite easy to follow after you, heart light as the confessions were finally out in the open after years of skilfully avoiding talking about your feelings. His fears from earlier were gone now that you were home and safe in his arms and he swore to himself he would protect you from whatever else the world threw your way.

__________

Joel Miller Taglist (Click the link in my bio to add yourself!) -

@avengersfan25, @happycupcakeenthusiast, @cilliansangel

Thank you so much for reading!🖤

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller imagines #joel miller fanfiction #tlou #tlou joel #tlou x reader #tlou imagine #tlou imagines #tlou fanfic #the last of us #hbo the last of us #the last of us x reader #the last of us imagine #the last of us imagines #no spoilers for episode 1 or 2

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flameswallower · 7 months ago

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A big difference between me and my partner that often causes some problems is that I have a terrible memory-- or, at best, a very inconsistent memory-- and they have a fantastic one.

Now, these differences are present across the board, so they do present some of the problems you're probably thinking about: Shell gets exasperated that I'm always asking them when we're scheduled to do things, that I sometimes forget things I said-- even PROMISED-- I'd do, and that I tell the same jokes and stories repeatedly because I forget that I've already told them. Typical ADHD/non-ADHD couple stuff.

But the biggest problems come from the differences in our autobiographical memories and the ways in which we experience time and selfhood because of those differences. I have the advantage of lightness, flexibility, the ability to change with relative ease, very rarely holding long-term grudges, still feeling upset/self-conscious about things that happened a long time ago,etc. And while I don't see the need to get precious or overly philosophical about the exact nature of my selfhood, I'm not usually distressed that I've been different than I am now, and that I will be different in the future, and that bad shit happened to some guy who doesn't really feel like me anymore. Whatever.

On the other hand, I have the disadvantage that it's hard for me to look far beyond the present in either direction, it's hard for me to plan or to stick to plans, and because I do not remember that much, it's very easy for someone who remembers more to tell me heavily biased or even just untrue things about what happened in my own past-- to which I have no choice except to go "well, I guess, it's not like I have anything to contest that with beyond a gut feeling that it's kind of wrong." Sometimes Shell will tell me I said or did something years ago that still bothers them, and I have to be like, "wow, as described, that's a super shitty thing to do/say, and I'm so sorry that I apparently said/did it. No, I don't remember saying/doing it, and I also can't tell you what I was thinking." And then we both feel kind of gaslit!

I sometimes wish I could remember people who have gone from my life in more detail than I do.

On the other hand, Shell experiences a lot of stuff that would really upset me for, eh, maybe a few months? as traumas that last years and derail their life because they can't forget what happened even a little bit, or put it from their mind. They mourn people, places, and things that have gone very deeply, and the mourning is in a sense permanent. They sometimes get paralyzed in making decisions because they can't stop thinking about everything that led up to making the decision and every possible way it might affect things in the future. I think it is also very hard for them that they remember and carry slights for a long time when others not only don't see those slights as a huge deal, but often don't or barely remember crossing Shell at all. This makes them feel like they aren't important to other people, even though often it's just that other people (even people whose memories aren't as bad as mine) don't remember things as well as they do, especially if they did not experience an event as emotionally charged in the same way Shell did.

But Shell is a great planner, and very smart, and only needs to read or hear or learn something one time to understand it completely. Everyone around here depends on them a lot because of these traits-- though this, too, can be something of a burden!

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makingspiritualityreal · 11 months ago

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Lessons from my Anime Phase

Many years ago, before I matured into my spiritual journey, this used to be an anime blog. I don't regret this phase of my life, even though I completely outgrew it, because I believe it taught me something important.

The content of a creation is more important than the form. There is anime (sadly not as many as you would think) that is a good piece of art. There are regular movies that suck. I'm still waiting for a movie as good at depicting the power of wishful thinking and self repression as Perfect Blue. These years taught me to look deep beyond the surface form and into the meaning of any creation.

Supressing one's emotions leads to serious repercussions. One of the reasons some people find anime so weird is because it is literally an outlet for the collective mentality and emotionality of Japanese societal pressure. It feels exaggerated, but it is a reaction to the external forced numbness and politeness the Japanese society is plagued with. If you don't deal with how you feel regularly and don't express it and process it, if you don't make friends with your demons, you keep bubbling like a cauldron. It leads to having a very edgy, very draining life, not being present with yourself. It leads to not being able to function and ultimately making simple things feel like the end of the world.

Getting older is awesome. I would never come back to my past. Every morning felt like torture. Sometimes, even if life is never perfect, it moves you on in simpler ways that allow for balance. Establishment of healthy routines does wonders for mental peace. The Universe putting you in an environment where you can do that, after years of having that taken away from you, feels blissful. With time comes perspective and you can see your life shaping up and taking you somewhere. That allows you to approach the rest of your life with the same philosophy. I can read this post another 10 years into the future, and think wow, my life got even better. But at least now I try to be relaxed about it and no to overthink how every tiny little thing can go and I don't try to control or micromanage the future, even if it's sometimes hard.

Youth is overrated. Very few people really get to enjoy being young and hot, and those that do, are probably on YouTube's most watched list now. Being young and hot only pays off if you happen to be an artist, you're in a good film, or you're lucky enough to be in a music video. With those things, you build a legacy you will have forever. But most young women spend their youth and beauty on dating guys they wish they could forget in their 30s. At least I can say I spent it on doing the right thing, refining myself, self development and spiritual growth, which I am really proud of. I was younger and "hotter" once, but paradoxically I feel like I'm becoming more beautiful. I had absolutely no benefits from being young. I had no good relationships and everyone irl always criticized me for breathing. I never felt attractive. My highlights were compliments from my online friends, because no one around me actually thought well of me in my physical life. I'm married now, but this is my first serious adult relationship. I didn't have any good relationships with anyone that really appreciated my looks or personality back then. So whatever has passed, hasn't really been used anyway. I was very insecure because I lived surrounded by unfair criticism from many people, who should have been supporting me but betrayed me. Maybe some people have fun in their youth, I honestly didn't. Moving away from all the people that made my youth something I'm glad to put behind me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Being different growing up is hell for everybody, no matter what form it takes. Being an outcast is probably the number one debilitating thing that makes youth difficult. You have no role models, you have no support, you endure extra pressure. But over time, even those that are different end up finding their place, and they realise they were just different to people around them in their early environment, but they're not that different from the rest of the world, and there is a niche out there for everybody. Even if you have to create one yourself, someone will flock to it. Being yourself trumps compromising your authenticity every day.

#spiritual journey #spiritual growth #spirituality #spiritual awakening #personal

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carefulfears · 1 year ago

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The way Scully puts her fingers to her mouth when Mulder is rambling about his mom’s message and she has to tell him she killed herself are u kidding me !!&!!’@:’!!! It’s DESTROYING her to tell him 😭😭😭😭 I love that she stayed the night and didn’t even change clothes, even when Skinner came her first thought is always to protect Mulder 😢

(x) she literally just has to sit there and listen to him and know that she’s going to have to stay steady and tear his whole world down. break his heart. take away his only sense of hope and method of coping in a lifetime of loss and neglect and abuse. you can watch it break her, on her face, in her voice.

this is the dirty work of “you were my friend and you told me the truth.” scully loves so bravely.

and she doesn’t know if he’ll be okay. she doesn’t know what this will do to him. she doesn't know what this will do to their life, to her life. but she gives him truth anyway, because that’s how they love. because that’s what he needs, it’s what he’s been denied for so long.

it’s easy to forget sometimes as an audience, how precarious and unsteady mulder is. the show reminds us. it shows us a weepy prayer in the church of a god he does not believe in, in conduit. it shows us shaking hands clawing through dirt and tattered fabric, in paper hearts. it shows us a finger on a trigger, in demons. but scully doesn't forget. scully knows, through every bad joke and wacky theory, what they're really doing, what's at the root of it all.

after seven years, she walks into his dark apartment. she does not try to turn on a light, as she had earlier in the episode. she sits down. she listens. she calmly relays clear facts, all of the information that she has. she gets down on the floor and cries. there's something so primal about it, a complete desperation and lack of pretense. he's spent his whole life both left completely alone in loss, and trying desperately to avoid it, and everything that he has held onto is breaking down around him in this moment. she's falling down into the wreckage next to him, mourning with him, holding onto him tight.

this is what allows for his growth in closure, this is what made it the end of the road.

to me, there are few moments that encapsulate scully's character more than this morning after scene, possibly my favorite sequence of the series.

she's so exhausted, when skinner knocks on the door. she's still wearing her work clothes from the day before. when he asks, "how's he doing?" and she answers, "it's been a hard night for him," her voice is so defeated. she was up all night.

(how different things would be, if there had been just one person, 27 years ago)

when skinner starts to talk about work, scully tries to tell him "no," that it's not a good time, before mulder comes up behind her. as skinner tells mulder that he needs him to go back with him on the case, and he's booked them two flights, scully doesn't move from her spot in front of him. she's blocking him in. you're not getting past her, and she's not moving. (and you're not taking him anywhere without her, as she looks at skinner and tells him he "better book three.")

to bring it back to throat, eye and knucklebone (as i referenced in my previous post):

"She’s been itching to get him locked up in a moving vehicle for days. Rocketing down a highway with her at the helm, where she gets to steer and decide what touches them. For long hours on his couch that night, autopsy hands on his head, in his hair, she’d thought about what it would mean to hide him away. Thought about what it would mean to steal and stash him like fairy treasure, to draw protective rings."

i always think of this passage when it comes to scully's character, there's so much conflict in her desire to protect and guide. in the doorway with skinner, they're standing on the precipice in-between the real world and the safety of his living room floor, where she could cover him.

but ultimately, they have to cross the threshold. she can go with him, but she can't keep him inside (as she will eventually learn through trial and failure).

there's so much grief, in being starbuck. there's so much grief, in the end, in loving someone that you can only follow, you can't steer.

#asks #sein und zeit

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whentommymetalfie · 9 months ago

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Tagged by @bouncydragon. Thank you for giving me a chance to ramble!

20 questions for fan fiction writers

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

642 307 (!)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently only Peaky Blinders

4. Top five fics by kudos

Breathe again, Kiss with a fist, Family is family, Little talks, Shattered and hollow

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to always do that for my WIPs but sometimes I forget to when I get a comment on an older fic. But that doesn't mean I don't read and appreciate them!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I was about to say that I never write angsty endings, because I can't handle them, but then I remembered about whumptober where I dabbled in that, sort of. I think it's a tie between Aversion and Confinement, and even those have a glimpse of hope at the end because I'm just like that.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh that's a tough one, since happy endings are my jam, so I've got plenty. But I think that To live a life, an installment in my first AU has a very happy ending, considering the angst that comes before.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I recall getting like... one really nasty comment once, years ago, but I've completely forgotten what it said, because I just deleted it and was sad about it for a few days and now it's gone from my mind, I just remember it happening because it's so rare.

And I've gotten a comment or two where a reader has disapproved of something in a fic, or where it's clear that they've interpreted something an entirely different way than I intended, and where they've chosen to express that in a not entirely nice way. I think when that's happened, I've left the comment, but haven't responded to it, because I just don't feel like going into discussions or spending my energy of that. But mostly all my readers are incredibly kind, which is a huge reason why I keep posting my work.

9. Do you write smut?

I have on occasion written a fic or two mostly focused on smut, upon request, and I incorporate sex-scenes into fics when I feel they serve a purpose.

10. Craziest crossover?

I've never written one, but I'm not opposed to them

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, a few!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope

14. All time favorite ship?

Well got to be Tommy/Alfie right? Just look at all my... stuff.

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have plenty of shorter unpublished wips where I've just wanted to 'try' an idea, or get something out of my head. Or be especially self indulgent. Those never get past the draft stage. But anything I truly want to finish and post, I usually do finish. Eventually.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I honestly think that one of my writing strengths is keeping at it, even when everything feels impossible, because without that stubbornness, many of my fics would've gotten finished. Cheesy as it may sound.

On a more technical note, I think -hope- that I'm good finding a good pace in my stories, at least my latest ones. And... describing emotions maybe.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

The first thing that comes to mind, and that often feel the most limited by, is that English is my second language. That always adds a layer of insecurity. And I'm not great at writing action, or scenes with many characters (I always feel like I'm trying to juggle with way too many balls)

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I think it can work great when it serves a purpose, but with my lacking language skills I just incorporate into the text that a character isn't speaking English, rather than typing the dialogue out in the actual language.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

My first ever fanfic I posted was for True Blood. Ten years ago now, which feels crazy.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Tough one... If I'm only allowed finished fics, I'd have to say Breathe Again, because it's my first truly long, multi-chaptered project and I grew a lot as a writer -I think- while writing that. But I do want to give Home to you it's own shoutout (even if I have yet to finish that last chapter that's haunting me because I'm so afraid to mess it up) because it's so intrinsically connected to Breathe again.

tagging (with no pressure of course, and apologies if you've already been tagged) @abusivelittlebunny @100dabbo @andtherewerefireworks @elskiee

#ask games #my writing

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cybercritterinyourcomputer · 5 months ago

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writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

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emilyssky · 2 years ago

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Chapter 1: 3:45am

PAIRING: Lee Know! x Fem!reader

GENRE(S): college au,smut,angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, chocking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)

SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"

"What?"

"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."

[the GIF is not mine]

1 year ago.

Tonight the night breeze feels more gentle than ever, even though it's freezing outside. Maybe it was too hot inside the frat house or maybe I'm still numb from everything that happened to feel the cold. My hands are still shaking from anger, my eyeliner is probably messed up and the world is still spinning. Tonight wasn't the night to drink so much but it was the only thing that numbed the pain, even for a few moments. The realization hasn't quite hit me yet. The tears have dried, but my heart still hurts. 1 year. 1 whole year of my life I dedicated to him. I cried over him, we fought, we laughed, we talked, and we made love. I opened up to him more than anyone. I trusted him and I fell for him. I thought Jackson would never hurt me. Everyone was warning me, telling me to stay away, reminding me of his 'fuckboy' reputation but I didn't listen. I was stupid enough to believe that with me he would be different like I'm some main character in a fucking movie. He was, in a way but he was also going through a lot but regardless I was there every single time. He had so many issues, so many demons, and such pain from his past that he hadn't and couldn't deal with, and I stayed despite everything. Despite the fighting and the yelling. Despite his cruel words and despite his inability to control his anger. I stayed even after the nights I forced myself to bury deep in my memories where his anger would take over completely. I understood him in a way and I loved him despite everything. But it was all a lie and finding out I was a joke to him made my world crash. That I was just some chick he wanted to fuck and make fun of with his friends. He tried to explain by saying that at some point he started to feel more and couldn't stop thinking about me. Bullshit. I slapped him for the first time that day, the day I went by his apartment, unexpected, and found all of his friends there that had no clue I was even his girlfriend. For a week straight he wouldn't leave me alone, He was calling me none stop, banging at my door, and showing up to my classes. I was thankful to Hyunjin and Felix for never leaving me alone when he was around. I hadn't left my bedroom for a week and Emma was begging me to come with her to this Frat party tonight. I showered for the first time in days, put on make-up, and got dressed up. The alcohol made me forget for a while. I was dancing and drinking and I was having fun. Accidentally opening a bedroom door instead of the bathroom door and seeing Jackson half-naked on top of some blonde girl was when everything came back, crashing down. I left, I left and I've been walking in the cold for the past half an hour. My thigh-high boots and the leather jacket I stole from Chan are doing a decent job at protecting my legs from the cold but I still wrap my arms around my body tighter as I go up the familiar flight of stairs. When I reach the top, I notice that the door that leads to the rooftop is slightly open. I walk outside and when the air hits me, I feel like I can breathe again. I closed my eyes and take a deep breath. I take a few steps, aimlessly toward the center of the roof until a male figure comes into view. All I can is his back, that's rising and falling, almost as if he's trying to breathe. His head is down and he's only a few feet from the railing.

"Excuse- " I try to say in a quiet voice.

"Shit!" His body jerks backward, his hand searching behind him for the wall beside the door. "You scared the shit out of me" His eyes snap to mine when he reaches it.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Fuckin hell" He curses under his breath and turns back around, this time with his head up, facing the sky. I found out about the secret door that leads to the rooftop of the dance building only a few months after I first started college and I've been coming here ever since whenever I needed to clear my head. It's the clear view of the whole campus, along with the height, the complete silence, and the occasional, calming breeze that makes me feel at peace and makes all of my problems disappear, even for a few moments. Tonight's the first time I see someone else here. I was kinda hoping that I was the only one that had figured out how to get up here, making it my special place but I guess I was wrong.

"Are you okay?" I dare to ask after a few seconds of silence.

"I came here for some peace and quiet, can you leave? I wanna be alone" He harshly says without even looking my way.

I'm a bit taken back by his response but I choose to ignore it, he seems like he's had a rough night. I bet I look the same.

"Yeah, same." I cross my hands. I can only see his side profile from where I'm standing. His hair is dark and slightly falling into his eyes, his lips big and full and his nose almost perfect. "Do you own this roof?"

He rolls his eyes, not amused by my attempt to joke. "I came here first"

"That's a really mature answer" I laugh and move forward to sit on the small bench that's in the middle of the roof. We're now on the same level but he continues to look straight ahead. His jaw suddenly tightens, and the hand that isn't touching the wall turns into a fist. He looks genually upset and my drunken mind is suddenly curious about the reason.

"If something's on your mind, just spit it out. There's nothing better than talking to a complete tranger about your problems. The fact that we probably won't ever see each other again makes it a lot easier." I say, trying to make him feel a bit more comfortable.

"Is your life going that great that you don't have any problems of your own or is just boring?" He starts pacing back and forth.

Excuse me, what?

"Just because I asked you a simple, human question when I saw that you're obviously upset about something, you think that I don't have my own problems?" I snap at him, getting annoyed. "Not all people are fucking rude out of nowhere."

He brings his hands behind his head, then back down to rub his face. "I'm not rude out of nowhere, I came here to be alone. I'm sorry if I don't wanna deal with some chick that probably wants to avoid her own issues and thinks that solving a stranger's will make her feel somewhat special" His voice rises with each word and his hands are everywhere, from his face to his hair the back to his side, clenching, unclenching. I'm trying really hard to control my temper. Oh, how I despise rude people. I rise to my feet, taking a step toward him.

"You're obviously going through something right now and you want to be alone but you don't have to be a dick about it . I was just trying to be polite." I spit through my clenched teeth.

" I don't want your kindness." He finally stops pacing and turns to face me. His hair is a bit wild from running his hands through it so many times, and his jaw is still tensed but what I notice more is his eyes. They're slightly red. Calm and wary as they stare at me. I study his face for a second. I definetly would remember him if I had seen him around here before, he's gorgeous.

"Have people not been kind to you?" I decide to ask. "Is that it? You're not used to it?"

His eyes shift and a small smile of satisfaction makes it's way to my lips, knowing I hit a nerve. "The world is cruel and people are crueler. There are no 'kind people' , only people that play nice because they want something for you or just wanna use you to feel better about themselves." His face is expressionless.

I narrow my eyes at him, wondering what could have possibly happened in this man's life to make him believe something like that. I smile at him, shaking my head.

"What's so funny?" He raises a brow at me.

"You have such a wrong idea about the world. Yes, people can be cruel, and use you at times but not everyone is like that. Everyone has problems, some bigger than others but at the end of the day, we're all struggling. Being kind to someone costs nothing to you but it may mean the world to someone. You don't know what someone is going through, they might be fighting to stay alive. You don't know what I'm going through, but you were so quick to judge me."

He blinks. His eyes seem just slightly softer than before. He parts his lips as if he's about to speak and then closes them again, almost as if I caught him off guard. He takes a deep breath and rests his back on the wall.

"Why are you so mad at the world?" I break the silence once again. At that, he smiles. His face completely transforms. He's even prettier when he smiles, I think to myself. I walk towards him but stumble on my feet, almost losing my balance. The world is still spinning and I mentally curse myself for drinking so much.

My actions draw his attention "Are you drunk?" He asks slightly amused.

"Well, I wouldn't say it like that" I walk back towards the railing "but I've had a couple of drinks"

He straightens his back and his face hardens in a second. "Hey stop." I stop walking. "You're drunk, don't move to close to the railing."

"I'm not drunk" I roll my eyes. "And stop changing the subject"

"Why do you care?" He groans.

"It's like 3 am, we're 2 strangers on a college rooftop, I'm tipsy and you're for some reason mad. Why not ask questions?" I shrug. "Come on, entertain me and maybe I'll entertain you with my problems." I offer with a smile.

He takes a deep breath and looks at the night sky. I spot the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips. "Why wouldn't I be mad at the world?" He says mostly to himself. "The world's unfair. A cruel place where none gets what they deserve. Life hasn't been kind to me, and people have definitely not been kind to me, why would I be kind to them?" He laughs. It's not a happy laugh.

"People always get what they deserve," My eyes focus on the sky, as I speak, mostly to myself as well. "it's not your fault that you've had shitty people in your life but being like them doesn't make you any better."

"Please spear me the 'treat people with kindness' talk". He slides down to the floor.

"You listen to harry styles?" I say surprised.

He freezes only for a split second. "That's beside the point-"

"What's the point?" I giggle. "Huh? Mysterious stranger, who hates everything?" I question, throwing my hands in the air "No actually let me tell you," I speak again before he has any chance to say anything." The point is that; there's no point" I smile. "The world is coming to an end, and we're all going to die eventually," I walk back and forth, my hands all over the place, my mind still a fuzzy mess. "So just live your life. Stop hating everything and stop giving a shit about other people. Life is unfair, deal with it." I'm now standing in front of him, looking at him like I've just figured out the most amazing theory. His eyes are fixed on me, searching, analyzing. His lips frown, hands resting on his knees. His mouth opens and then closes again. His eyes move to his hands and then back to my face.

His lips fall to small smile. "You're drunk. And annoying, and-"

"Right?" I tilt my head to the left, A laugh escapes him, and he shakes his head. After a few seconds, his face falls a bit, eyes focused back on the night sky.

"I don't really see the point"

"Then change it". I fall to the ground beside him.

He looks at me confused. "Change what?"

"Your life. If you don't like it, change it"

He bursts into a laugh. His whole face changes. His eyes are almost closed, little wrinkles appearing on each side from laughing. His lips tug to create a smile, that takes almost half of his face. I stare at him in awe.

"What?" I ask with a smile on my lips as well.

"You make life sound so easy. You present everything about life so simple as if you actually have a saying in everything." He turns his head to me. "News flash kid, there are a lot of things that have happened or will happen in your life that are beyond your control."

"Maybe" I shrug "You're probably right, but giving up on trying to be the happiest you can be is definitely not the answer to your problems."

"And what is?" He half smiles, challenging me.

"Don't you have any dreams? Things you want to do? Places you wanna go?"

He takes a few moments to think before answering. "I used to, yeah. I wanted a lot of things but every time I wanted something, it was taken away from me. So I stopped wanting things. If you don't want anything, you can't be disappointed for getting nothing."

"Yeah, I get it . That's hard but," I pause, and he looks at me from the side of his eyes. "You have to appreciate the little things in life and be grateful for everything." I finally say, repeating the words my mother used to say to me whenever I would think that everything was going to shit.

"You don't know shit about my life" He sifts his body to face mine. His eyes are somewhat harder than before, cold almost. "Stop talking like you do"

I wanna laugh at how defensive he's getting but I don't wanna appear heartless just because I'm drunk and everything seems a little funnier than usual. So instead I sigh, choosing a different approach. "Look, I'm not some optimistic chick who always smiles and only sees the best in every situation."

"You sure act like it" He glares at me.

I wish. I wish I was all the things I present myself to be. I wish I could take my own advice.

"Everyone is fucked up in a way. I just don't need anyone to know how fucked up I actually am. I'm more than all of my problems and mistakes. I'm also my dreams and everything that I've gone through and accomplished. All of us as are." I rest my head on my knees. My words draw his attention. He chooses to mirror my position, resting his own head on his knees. I smile, finding it cute. "Everyone has their own story, and maybe yours is sadder than others's but it's your own story and you're the writer. Scratch people out. Feel free to fuck everything up with a plot twist." I giggle. "Write something better."

His eyes haven't left my face, they bore into mine and for a moment I swear they sparkled. "What are your problems? It's you turn to entertain me."

"There are plenty." I nod my head,smiling.

"Tell me the biggest on right now."

I feel the words in my throat, the words that never actually left my mouth. The words that I've never said out loud let along to another person. I look into the stragner's eyes. "I've been in an abusive relationship for almost a year and I finally found the courage to leave him. " The weight begins to lift of my shoulders. "I've kept that part of my relationship hidden for all of my friends, among other things cause I'm too ashamed to admit that I was so stupid and weak for so long." I break into a laugh but tears begin to fill my eyes, as the realization of the whole situation now that I'm saying it out loud feel more real than ever. It makes me feel kinda free to finally share this with someone nevertheless.

For the first time tonight his face visibly holds emotion. He takes his bottom lip between his teeth and then he takes a breath, getting ready to speak.

My phone starts ringing. interrupting whatever he was going to say. Chan's name flashes across the screen.

"Hi-"

"Where the fuck are you?" Chan's angry voice comes louder than I was expecting, making me pull my phone away from my ear.

"I'm walking back home" I lie.

"Why would you leave without telling us? And why are walking back home alone at 3 am? Are you stupid or are you stupid?" He sounds a bit out of breath. "Send me your location, we're leaving now. I'll come and get you" He says sternly.

"Okay" I choose not to anger him further and hang up.

I look back at the guy. His eyes are not on me, instead, they're glued to the sky, almost as if he's searching for something.

"I have to go," I quietly say. He doesn't say anything instead he closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall once again. "Next time you'll meet a stranger on a rooftop, don't be an ass." I joke as I lift myself off the ground.

He stays quiet.

"You know a few years back, I saw a quote somewhere, I don't remember where exactly." I giggle as I stumble towards the door. "But it was something like; Always leave people a little better than you found them." I turn to him.

He opens his eyes, keeping his face stays unreadable. I simply stare at him, and he stares back. His eyes sparkle under the dim light of the moon for the second time tonight, gazing towards me In the saddest way I've ever seen, and my heart tightens. Something in his eyes pulls me to him, forces my legs to move forward, and before my mind can catch up, I'm standing right in front of him. He's up to his feet by the time I reach him, lifting his hand to tug a stray piece of hair behind me ear. His touch is so light, that I don't even feel it when his thumb brushes my cheek before lowering his head back down. He exhales a short breath and I'm so close that I inhale it right back. I silently ask for his permission and instead of answering, he wets his lips and tilts his head downwards. A tiny smile makes its way to my lips as I reach forwards and wrap my arms around his neck. He smells like vanilla and cigarettes and I bring my face closer to the curve of his neck. I feel him freeze, probably not expecting me to hug him instead but I stay still, tightening my grip around him. I slowly feel his hands leaving his sides and a few seconds later they wrap around my waist pulling me closer to his chest. He releases a breath I didn't know he was holding and my smile grows. We stay like this for almost a minute, silently holding each other. Just two strangers comforting one another without knowing anything about each other's pain or problems. Moments like these are golden for a person like me.

I pull away, unwrapping my arms from his body and taking a step back.

" I hope you feel a little better. See you around, stranger" This Is the last thing I say to him before walking out the door.

#starykids #straykidsfanfic #leeknowfanfic #bangchan #kpop #kpopfanfic #kpop smut #leefelix #hwang hyunjin #stray kids x reader #skz smut #lee know #lee know x reader #skz fanfic #skz imagines

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missmaywemeetagain · 2 years ago

Text

Grief is love untethered.

Today is my dad’s birthday. (Was my dad’s birthday? I’m never quite sure how to phrase that, because it’s his birthday regardless of if he is still here or not…)

He’s been gone a long time now. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and sometimes it’s a million years ago.

Sometimes I forget until it’s right up on me that he isn’t here. I get busy and life happens and I forget these days that used to be so important. Then it’s the Father’s Day/birthday one-two punch and I’m sobbing and I don’t know why until I remember…oh, yes.

My dad loved Elvis. He’s the reason I started loving Elvis. There are so many questions I wish I could ask him about why he did that I didn’t have the foresight to ask when I was younger: How did he become a fan? Why? What were his favorites?

Sometimes I wonder if my dad saw himself in Elvis. I know I do, in the rebellious, mercurial, hot tempered, charismatic, not always taking care of himself sort of way. Perhaps that’s why I feel grief for Elvis too, even though I never had the privilege of knowing him in life. I’m not sure.

I’ve heard it said that grief happens because all that love we have for that person has nowhere to go after they are gone. But what if we channel it into something completely different?

Maybe that’s how art it born.

Maybe if not for my grief last year at this time, I wouldn’t have found this community. I wouldn’t have read fics and thought, hey what if I do that, even if it scares me? Maybe Pink Scarf wouldn’t exist without my grief.

I’m not sure how my dad would feel about me writing sexy fanfic about Elvis, but I’d like to think he’d be proud of me following my dreams of being a writer, to continue to grow and be something more than I was. And I’d like to think Elvis would get a kick out of it.

Perhaps that’s wishful thinking.

Either way, I think grief is love. Art is love. And sometimes grief is art.

Anyway, I hope you find art that touches you. I hope you experience love. I hope you treat yourself with kindness and compassion today. Maybe text a person you love. Listen to a song that makes you feel. Drink some water. Experience life, even if that means crying your eyes out for a little while because you have love that has nowhere to go.

And it may not be much, but know that I’m glad you’re out there. 💗

💗 Madi

#and know I feel a little less alone with all y’all out there #xoxoxoxox #personal #tw: grief #elvis presley #elvis

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unabashedlittleblackbook · 2 years ago

Text

Memories

Eddie Munson x F! Reader

Summary/Request: Cutesy Best Friends to Lovers @fuzzymelanie

Warnings: None? Not that cutesy??

A/N: This took me waaaaaay too long tbfh. Kinda proofread it but it’s 2am and this is my second attempt at posting it bc I don’t understand technology. I also don’t know how to get my spacing to stay. Might be a little rough around the edges? I don’t know how to write children tbh. Feedback is appreciated!! I love to hear what you guys have to say <3

In every instance of your life, whether it be big or small, you could look back and there would be one constant. What was that constant? None other than Eddie Munson. You’d known Eddie almost as long as you’d been alive, an exaggeration, sure, but the statement held some truth. You met at the Hawkins Middle School talent show. Neither one of you even placed in the top three, first place going to the girl with the dance routine that made waves with the adults in the auditorium. Truthfully it wasn’t all that great, but the people love mediocrity. However, your paths didn’t actually cross until later that night after everyone went home. As luck would have it, both of your rides were running late.

You would’ve never in a billion years dreamt of approaching a boy like Eddie, let alone strike up a conversation. You were a loner, something your parents frowned upon but people just weren’t all that interesting. But Eddie.. Eddie was different, be it the way he talked or even the way he carried himself, he just had this certain spunk to him. A complete riot to be around, as you’d later find out. Him coming up to you got the ball rolling, a feat you’d never forget.

You were sitting on a chair left out in the hallway, swinging your legs back and forth since they couldn’t quite reach the ground yet. There were a few people still lingering, some being students and some being faculty members. It was years ago but you’d never forget the way he sauntered up to you and broke the silence all in one breath. “Y/N, right?” You barely got a nod in before he was talking again, “Your performance was pretty cool, not my first choice of song, but it was cool.” You couldn’t help but balk at him until you finally regained your composure, forcing the words to leave your mouth. “Oh, uh, thanks? You were pretty cool too.” You were unsure of what to do, should you say something else? Clearing your throat you spoke again. “What was it? Corrupted Coffin?” You had watched his act, but the name fell on deaf ears when it was announced. “Corroded Coffin,” he corrected. “Right, sorry.” You offered a sheepish smile, not really sure of what to say next. “Anyway, I’m Eddie.” As he spoke the words he stuck his thumb out and poked his chest. “The guys and I were talking and we thought it would be killer if you stopped by sometime and watched us play.” He gave a small shrug, “if you’re interested.” You’d later find out that he forgot the ‘itwouldbesototallycoolifyoujoinedthebandasourvocalist’ part. “I don’t know,” you trailed off, chewing the inside of your cheek. “That’s not really- I mean you guys are great and all, but that's not really my thing.” Technically it was a lie. Music was your thing, people were not. That didn’t stop Eddie, “one practice? You won’t regret it.” The side of his mouth turned up and he threw his hands up in a ‘Hey Whaddya Say?’ gesture. You were curious for sure, but how could you possibly say no when he was staring you down with those pretty brown eyes? That was the first time you couldn’t refuse Eddie, and as time would tell, it wouldn’t be the last.

Over the years there were many laughs and even more memories, some more memorable than others. One of your favorites had to have been the night before your 18th birthday, the year after you discovered you had feelings for your best friend.

It was late, later than it was supposed to be if you had a boy in your room, which as of 15 minutes ago, you did. For the past 15 minutes you’d been arguing with Eddie while perched on your bed, arms crossed watching him pace back and forth. “I am not sneaking out! And I most certainly am not stealing my fathers car.” Your voice was firm but your resolve was cracking minute by minute. “Think about the memories! This is valuable band bonding time.” He put emphasis on the valuable part, spinning to face you with an exasperated look and threw his hands up before letting them fall to his sides. You tried not to let your disappointment show at his words, band bonding. Right. Pull yourself together.

Would changing the subject help? Probably not but it was worth a shot. “Take your shoes off, that's wool you’re standing on.” High end carpet for high end taste, your mothers of course. You got an eye roll in response. “Don’t change the subject. How are we supposed to enjoy the night without our best girl? Come on, think about it.” You ignored the flutter in your chest. It was basically a sales pitch at this point. You looked at the clock on your nightstand, it had just turned to 9 O’clock. The band started at 11. He was running out of time, the puppy dog eyes would be coming out soon. “You’re just saying that because I’m the only one with a means of getting there,” you said flatly. You had to admit though, it was tempting. He scratched his head and walked closer, placing both of his hands on your shoulders. “Okay, okay. When have I ever steered you wrong?” That made you laugh, “There was that time whe-” “Let’s forget that, do you trust me?” There they were, those big brown eyes. Your face softened and you felt your shoulders slump. Your eyes trailed down to his lips, pausing before meeting his eyes again. Of course you trusted him, he was your best friend. Though sometimes you felt like he could be more. “You know I do.” The words came out soft, softer than you meant but he heard you all the same. You both stared at each other before a grin broke out on his face. “Then get your ass out of bed and let’s get going!” He gestured to the window, a giddy expression on his face. “Shush! Do you want my parents to hear you?” Eddie put a finger to his lips, mouthing the word ‘sorry’ while wincing. You rolled your eyes and smiled at him before telling him the plan. “Go meet me at the car while I change and grab the keys.” Eddie gave a thumbs up before climbing out the window as quietly as he could. It wasn’t hard to get the keys, they were hanging on the hook where they alway were. Now was the hard part, how to get the car out of the driveway without alerting your parents. “Now how the hell are we gonna do this?” He held up a finger, “I already thought of that, follow me.” “Of course you did,” you muttered under your breath. “ We’re gonna put the car in neutral and slowly roll it until we’re far enough away. Key word being slowly.” You balked at him in disbelief before letting out a chuckle. He couldn’t be serious. “Well? Hurry up, we don't have all night.” He motioned to the car expectantly. Of course he was serious because why wouldn’t he be. You huffed before rolling your eyes and following his lead as you both slowly moved the car away from the house.

You and your gaggle of boys that you call friends made it to the bar on time and in one piece, all thanks to you. It was a few towns over which meant no familiar faces, something you were all counting on. You made it just in time to hear them play the first song of the night. At first you were worried you’d be kicked out but as the night carried on you worried less. If anyone had suspicions you were underage they clearly didn’t care enough to do anything about it. The night wrapped up a little before 2, it was late but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Eddie was right, it was one hell of a night, definitely one for the books. The five of you made your way to your dads car, all of you laughing at something Gareth said. You waited until everyone was settled before beginning the drive home, you and Eddie up front and the rest of the boys in the back. It was the usual seating arrangement, at least it had been since the day you got your license. The car was loud with all the boys talking over one another but you just laughed and shook your head. Truthfully it made your heart swell, they were your boys. You loved them all, just in different ways. Sure they were your boys, but you wanted Eddie to be your boy. You wanted the cheesy compliments, the arcade dates, the feeling of him in your arms. You wanted it all, you yearned for it. But seeing him happy made you happy, and that was good enough for you. It had to be. You gave a quick glance in Eddie’s direction, his smile taking over his face as he replied to something Gareth said, or maybe it was Jeff. You weren’t sure, the only thing you knew was that you’d never forget tonight.

As all good things do, it soon came to an end. You were making your last stop before heading home: Eddie’s place. The car came to a halt and you paused, unsure of whether or not to break the comfortable silence that washed over the two of you. As if hearing your thoughts Eddie spoke up. “Happy Birthday, Y/N.” You blinked, in all the excitement of the night you had completely forgotten about your birthday. “Oh. Yeah, I guess it is.” You smiled, of course he would be the one to remember. “I uh, I have something for you.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, suddenly unsure of himself. He cleared his throat before reaching into the front pocket of his jacket. He fumbled with the button before pulling out a cord with something attached to it and handed it to you. You held it up and let out a small gasp when you finally got a good look at it. He took his favorite guitar pick and turned it into a necklace. You’d been eyeing it for as long as you could remember. It was on its last legs of course, but it was still as pretty as it was when he first used it. You’d joked on more than one occasion that one day he’d wake up and it would be gone. You never thought he would actually give it up, the pick was special to him. Part of you hoped that maybe this meant he might feel the same. There was a small hole at the top where the material went through, made by his knife no doubt. You weren’t sure of what to say, what do you say to the person that gave you a piece of them? “Eddie, this…” you trailed off. “This is your favorite pick, why would you-” You were cut off, “I can get another pick, I can’t get another you.” He coughed before continuing. “I uh, I want you to have it.” He fiddled with his rings, hoping it didn’t come off too as cheesy as it sounded. “Thank you.” Releasing the breath you didn’t know you were holding, you wrapped him in a hug. Like the moment, it was a little awkward, the car not being the best spot for a hug. You pulled away slowly, meeting his eyes. You couldn’t remember who leaned in first, all you knew was that neither one of you made a move to stop. Your lips met and you swore your heart skipped a beat. Eventually you broke the kiss, resting your forehead on his. You had matching grins, the car silent except for the faint sound of the radio playing. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” you laughed, still in disbelief. “Middle school.” You pulled away, confused by his words. He continued, “I’ve been waiting to do that since that stupid talent show.” There it was, that warm gushy feeling. You shook your head and laughed. “Now you tell me.” He was definitely right, this was gonna be one hell of a memory. “Guess we have to make up for lost time then won’t we?” Just as soon as the words left his mouth he was pulling you in for another kiss.

#eddie x reader #eddie x y/n #eddie munson x reader #imagine #imagine requests #stranger things #stranger things imagine #eddie imagine #eddie stranger things #eddie munson imagine

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