#sometimes I do but when I feel like this it feels impossible TO care

[lananiscorner]

Reblogging this version and stealing the tags as well:

#i realized this when I was following#gen padalecki#she was talking about the garden#and livestock#and book clubs#and doing so many things with the boys#and i realized that if she had to work#like i have to work#and didn't have the money to hire people to do shit#she couldn't do all of that either#and then i unfollowed her#because it wasn't relevant to me#and was just making me feel bad about myself#even though i knew we were not on the same boat#she's in a yacht#and i'm in a rowboat#and you can't compare the two

This is so important, especially when it comes to body image.

If you ever find yourself looking at someone and thinking "damn, I wish I was as slim and toned as that insta model" or "damn, I wish I was built like that Navy Seal dude"... remember that this is literally PART OF THEIR JOB. You can't be an insta model without being slim and you can't be a spec ops soldier without being in excellent, buff shape. And as a result, people like that spend A LOT of hours in the gym. Like, a lot A LOT. And no, not off hours, after already working for 8+ hours a day like you with your desk job. If you are trying to emulate people like that while not being in that job, you are essentially trying to do two jobs at once. And that ain't a sustainable way to live (you can make it work, but good grief, at what cost...)

And any time you look at someone rich enough to afford somebody else to do their cooking and cleaning and child care? Dial your own expectations way the hell down, because those are freaking time sinks. There's a reason rich people hire other people to do that shit for them (because it's work--and unless you are rich it's work you HAVE TO do for free, because cooking is kind of important for eating and cleaning is kind of important for being healthy and if you don't take care of your kids they have a high risk of ending up dead).

I would also add to this that sometimes it really is too late/impossible to strive for something that you would like to be your top priority. I have asthma and I'm nearing 40. Even if I started working out right now, with the same diet and exercise regimen as a soldier, I would not be able to get that level of fitness, because 1) my lungs aren't build for that and 2) aging is a thing and my body's prime days are over.

And that sucks. Realizing that there are legit, unchangeable roadblocks to things you would like to make your priority SUCKS. And it's okay to be angry and frustrated about that for a while, and to grieve the opportunities you wish you had but never will. It's perfectly fine and normal and healthy. So long as you remember that grief is not a place to be forever. Life goes on. There's more beauty to find in the world and so much more to live for rather than wallowing in sadness forever.

So, if you find yourself with something that you want to make your priority, but cannot, for circumstances outside of your control, ask yourself "okay, but how much do I have to dial back the intensity to make it work and still have it be a top goal?"

One of my goals for this year is to go swimming again. I used to do that competitively. I would love to get back to that same level of intensity again, but 1) I am getting old, 2) I have a full-time job, and 3) it's not something I can just do at home anytime I want--I have to take a bus to the city swimming pool to get there and they ain't open 24/7. So no, I will not be swimming again with the same regularity and intensity as before, but I will try to find a time window that will work with my job and the commute and the opening hours and I will take as much swimming as I can get, because good grief, I miss the water.

One thing that has made me a much more well-adjusted person is a clip I once saw of Hank Green saying that anyone can be in amazing shape as long as being in amazing shape is one of their top three priorities.

(This is obviously a generalization that isn't true for everyone. But it is true for most people and I'm proceeding from there.)

This "top three priorities" framing has genuinely reduced my tendency toward jealousy and self-comparison a lot. Now when I feel envious of someone’s spotless, aesthetic home, I think to myself, “Having a spotless, aesthetic home is probably one of their top three priorities. It’s definitely not one of mine, so I shouldn’t expect my home to look like that.”

Or when I see an influencer with a body that takes a ton of work to maintain: “Maintaining that body is obviously one of her top three priorities, because it’s her livelihood. My livelihood is my brain, so I’m never going to prioritize my body like that.”

It also helps me to identify areas that I actually DO want to prioritize more. I realized in recent years that my envy for my friends who prioritized writing more than I did was NOT going away, so I started to prioritize writing more. (Not top three, but higher priority than it has been in the past.)

[woozinhos]

(politely but loudly because i'm excited) HI MOLLIE CAN YOU WRITE ARGUMENT AND YELLED CONFESSION IN THE RAIN WITH DK

Notes: I GOT CHU BOO ENJOY THE ARGUEMENTTTT HEHE

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.

You and Dokyeom were walking together in the rain, arguing about something you couldn't even remember. The sky was gray and gloomy, matching the tension between the two of you.

"You never listen to me!" Dokyeom exclaimed, his voice raised in frustration. "I've been trying to tell you this for weeks and you just ignore me!" You rolled your eyes, feeling your own irritation growing. "Oh, so now it's my fault that you can't communicate properly?" you shot back. "You always assume I know what you're thinking without you saying anything!" The rain was pouring down harder now, soaking you both to the bone. Dokyeom's face was twisted in anger, his hair plastered to his forehead.

"You know what? Maybe I wouldn't have to assume if you actually paid attention to me for once!" he yelled, his voice echoing through the empty streets. You stopped walking, turning to face him fully. "Are you serious right now?" you snapped, your own temper flaring up. "I pay attention to you all the time! I just don't always agree with you!" Dokyeom took a step closer to you, his chest heaving with anger. "Well, maybe if you agreed with me more often, we wouldn't be having this argument in the first place!" he retorted. The rain was pouring down even harder now, but neither of you seemed to notice. You were both too wrapped up in your argument to care about anything else.

"You're impossible to deal with sometimes!" you shouted, throwing your hands up in frustration. "You always have to be right, don't you?" Dokyeom let out a frustrated growl, running a hand through his wet hair. "I'm not trying to be impossible, I'm just trying to get you to understand my point of view!" he yelled back. He took another step closer, his eyes flashing with anger. "But you never do! You're too stubborn to listen to anyone but yourself!" You glared at him, feeling your heart pounding in your chest. The rain was pouring down so hard now that it was starting to hurt, but neither of you showed any signs of stopping.

"I'm stubborn? You're the one who can't admit when you're wrong!" you shouted, your voice rising above the sound of the rain. Dokyeom clenched his fists, his jaw tight with anger. "I'm not the one who can't have a simple conversation without turning it into a fight!" he yelled back. He was standing so close to you now that you could feel the heat radiating off his body. The rain was running down his face, mixing with the anger in his eyes.

"You always twist my words and turn everything into a problem!" he continued, his voice lowering slightly but still filled with intensity. "It's like you want to argue just for the sake of arguing!" You turned and started walking away from Dokyeom, your anger fueling your steps. He watched you go for a moment, his chest still heaving with emotion.

"Where are you going?" he called out after you, his voice softer now but still laced with irritation. You didn't answer, just kept walking. The rain was starting to ease up a bit, but the tension between the two of you remained thick in the air. Dokyeom hesitated for a moment, torn between chasing after you and letting you go. But then he made up his mind and started walking after you, his long strides quickly catching up to yours.

"Wait!" Dokyeom shouted, his hand closing around your arm and pulling you to a stop. He spun you around to face him, his eyes locking onto yours with a fierce intensity. The rain had slowed to a drizzle, the sound of it falling softly around you.

"Y/N, wait," he said again, his voice softer now but still firm. "I need to say something." You looked up at him, your anger fading slightly as you saw the look on his face. He was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling with each breath.

"What is it?" you asked, your voice quieter now. Dokyeom took a deep breath, his grip on your arm tightening slightly. "I need to tell you something," he said, his gaze never leaving yours. "Something I've been holding in for a long time." Your heart skipped a beat as you realized what he was about to say. You couldn't help but feel a flutter of anticipation mixed with a hint of nervousness.

"What is it?" you repeated, your voice barely above a whisper. Dokyeom took another deep breath, his eyes searching yours as if trying to find the right words. "I... I love you," he said finally, his voice shaking slightly.

The rain suddenly picked up again, pouring down around you in sheets. The sudden downpour seemed to match the intensity of the moment, adding to the drama of Dokyeom's confession. You stood there, frozen in shock, as the rain soaked through your clothes and plastered your hair to your face. Dokyeom's words hung in the air between you, waiting for a response. He didn't move, his eyes locked onto yours with a mixture of hope and vulnerability. He was completely drenched, his clothes clinging to his body as he waited for you to say something, anything.

"I've loved you for so long," Dokyeom continued, his voice rising above the sound of the rain. "I didn't know how to tell you, and I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same way. But I can't keep it inside anymore. I need you to know how I feel." He took a step closer to you, his eyes burning with emotion. "You mean everything to me, Y/N. You're the most important person in my life, and I can't imagine being without you."

"I can't lose you," Dokyeom said, his voice cracking slightly. "You're the one person who makes me feel alive, who challenges me and pushes me to be better. I need you in my life, more than anything." He reached out and gently cupped your face in his hands, his touch sending a shiver down your spine. The rain was coming down harder now, but you barely noticed as you stared up at him, your heart racing in your chest. Dokyeom's lips crashed onto yours in a passionate kiss, his hands moving to the back of your head to pull you closer. The rain poured down around you, making the moment feel even more intense and electric. He kissed you with a hunger and desperation that left you breathless, his body pressed against yours as he poured all of his love and longing into the kiss. It was a kiss that spoke volumes, conveying everything he had been holding back for so long.

You kissed him back with equal fervor, your hands clutching at his drenched shirt as you lost yourself in the moment. The rain continued to pour down around you, soaking you both to the bone, but you didn't care. All that mattered was the feeling of Dokyeom's lips on yours and the overwhelming emotions that swirled between you. After what felt like an eternity, Dokyeom finally broke the kiss, resting his forehead against yours as he tried to catch his breath. His chest was heaving and his eyes were filled with a mix of relief and desire.

"I love you," he whispered, his voice ragged with emotion. "I love you so much, Y/N. Please tell me you feel the same way." He searched your eyes, waiting for your response with bated breath. The rain had slowed to a light drizzle again, the only sound besides the rapid beating of your hearts. You looked up at him, your heart swelling with a mixture of love and joy. "I love you too," you whispered back, your voice shaking slightly. "I have for a long time, I just didn't know how to tell you."

Dokyeom's face lit up with a radiant smile, and he let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god," he breathed, pulling you into a tight embrace. "I was so scared that I had ruined everything between us." He held you close, burying his face in your hair as he breathed in the scent of rain and your shampoo. You both pulled away from the embrace, laughing at the sight of yourselves. You were both soaked to the bone, your clothes clinging to your bodies and your hair plastered to your faces.

"We look like drowned rats," Dokyeom chuckled, running a hand through his wet hair. You giggled and nodded in agreement, trying to smooth down your hair but failing miserably. "Yeah, we do," you said, still laughing. "But it was worth it."

Dokyeom smiled at you, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "I can't believe we just confessed to each other in the middle of a rainstorm," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. You laughed again, feeling a warmth spreading through your chest despite the chill of the rain. "I can't believe it either," you replied. "But I'm glad we did." He took your hand in his, intertwining your fingers together. "Me too," he said softly, looking down at you with a tender expression. "I'm glad we finally got everything out in the open."

[t1ts-4-donaldson]

Hii <3 what about camboy!Art realizing he developed feelings for shy!reader because for the first time in his life - he is feeling jealous

Jealous Camboy!Art x Shy!Reader

Art felt pathetic staring at you from across the room hanging around the sleazebag that’s been attached to your hip all night as if he hadn’t peraided a girl or two in front of you before. It’s not in his nature to care at all, his love life was equivalent  to a revolving door. He liked some women more than others, the ones that stuck around were nice but they never mattered. Sometimes he’d feel guilty about it especially when most of them were left crying on his doorstep deplorable explanations thrown their way ‘listen it was just for fun, I don’t see you like that’ rightfully faced with heated curses.

It was his idea to bring you to a house party Patrick was hosting, all of his get-togethers were raunchy he knew that but regretted stepping foot when everyone's eyes landed on you. You didn’t notice it of course, you were so sweet and happy you actually had something to do on a Friday night. Patrick bound over to the both of you draping an arm over your shoulder. “So you’re Art’s pretty girlfriend” He teases, completely wasted. The statement making butterflies rise in your chest, your eyes shimmering at the thought, “Ye-” 

“No” Art interrupts, you flinch at his callousness snapping you out of your giddy daze. Silence surrounds the three of you. Art evading your bewildered stare, “so you guys are fuck buddies?” He asked glancing between the both of you, failing to tamper down how awkward things had become. “Something like that” Art laughs patting Patricks back, his rejection making your insides crawl.

“Well actually” you began to explain yourself but shut up when you met his stony gaze that screamed ‘drop it’

“Have fun guys, alcohol is in the kitchen” he squeezes you tight against his side and pinches the nape of Art’s neck narrowing his eyes, a signal to not be a dick before walking off.

He swore to himself it would never come to this, developing an inkling of feelings towards you was impossible especially with his roster of never ending women that honestly he never fell for but Art Donaldson didn’t get jealous until now. He didn’t notice how bad it was until the asshole kissed you on the cheek but watching you laugh and fawn over him was the final straw. 

“Hey” he grimaced “we’re leaving.” He tugs on your arm before you can protest ��but this guy he’s so sweet-” you stammer gazing back at the poor guy left alone in the kitchen. He seethes ‘sweet’ as fucking if “No he’s trying to fuck you and dump you” Art frowns angrily pulling you past the sea of people, what does that loser have that he doesn’t? He makes you happy, you love the cuddles and the orgasms are great Art spirals 

“you’re wrong, he was going to take me on a date, actually to a place I’ve been wanting to visit” He stiffens up, “date?” spinning back in disbelief “what do you mean?” He squints, yanking you close against his chest.

“I-” what does it matter to him, you shake your head confused “we were going to the arcade I’ve been talking to you about, I wanted to go with you but you’re never interested” his face drops at your saddened expression guilt quickly surging through him, the palpable distress made him uncomfortable. “Look I can take you” he shrugs away your complaints. 

“But you don’t mean it.”

“I’m just someone you make porn with.. I like it and it’s nice, it’s not the same.” you stutter and take a minute to think chest bubbling in anger when the wave of realization hits you. Art's the hypocrite using you for sex. He’d invite you over, get you off, post the clips and send you away. You were a whore, it was just glamorous because he had the following, gave you a share of whatever he made and pretended to desire you, if he did it was only for your body. What you gave him.

“you’re making this a big deal” he whined but he paused his patronizing when your eyes began to water, “hey” the man grabs your shoulders moving fallen strands of hair away from your face 

“stop” he winces as you shove him away, body trembling anxiously. This was bigger than just the two of you, everyone knew you were just a body to him, no one saw your face but it was obvious, “fuck you Art.”

a lump in his throat grew at the sight, understanding why you were so upset, you felt used. 

“I care..” he whispers cupping your face wishing he could take back the lies “I swear I do” the look of doubt on your features saying other wise, ”I’ll take you” he caves aware you’re unconvinced “fuck him we can go together” he pleaded 

“Fine.. but you have to actually try.” 

“I will” he promises, enveloping you in a tight hug nuzzling his face against your cheek

[nerdyrevelries]

I think what a lot of people miss is that when we say Little Women is a feminist text, that applies to all four sisters, not just Jo or Amy.

Meg struggles with perfectionism. She wants to be the ideal woman, the ideal wife, and the ideal mother. Worse yet, the standards she compares herself to are imaginary ones. She thinks she should always have the house clean, always have a smile on, and be prepared to receive guests at any time. John should never even have to deal with a single lost button. This is what society was telling Meg she was for. They were showing her a fake standard that's impossible to actually reach in a world where sometimes your kid spins around in a circle really fast and then throws up on you.

If anything, this feels more relatable today than it did when LMA wrote it because we live in a world where people only see the glossy parts of our lives through social media. It's incredibly easy to show a false exterior when you feel dead inside. Even if your idea of perfect isn't being a mother like Meg, I think you can probably relate to the pressure of trying to seek your idea of perfection, whatever that may be.

The advice Marmee gives Meg is so good, even today.

1. Care about your appearance. This might sound sexist at first, but keep in mind who Meg is. Meg loves dressing up and looking pretty. She has started feeling bad about herself because she isn't doing this. This is basically Marmee talking about the importance of self care.

2. Let John help and don't try to do everything yourself. This is still an issue today, much less when Little Women was written.

3. Care about things other than just the babies. This is Marmee telling Meg to find adult interests that are separate from her role as mother and take an interest in the world around her.

4. Let Hannah take over sometimes so you can have time for just you and John. A babysitter and date night!

This is all still excellent advice!

While looking for illustrations of John Brooke from Little Women today, I came across an article with the thesis that in Part II, John has PTSD from fighting in the Civil War, and that this is the "real" reason for the rough patches in his marriage to Meg.

I don't want to fully dismiss that headcanon. John goes to war for a year, after all, and then is wounded badly enough to be discharged. What he goes through could easily create PTSD. Besides, this is only the latest of several mental health headcanons I've read about the characters in Little Women: others include "Meg has postpartum depression after the twins are born," "Jo has ADHD or mild bipolar disorder," and "Beth has autism, and/or Social Anxiety Disoder, and/or anorexia." Some of these I buy more easily than others, but I never mind seeing them suggested.

But at the same time, the author's support for the thesis consisted of painting all of John's behavior in Part II, and both Meg and Marmee's reactions to him, in the worst possible light. They accuse him of "insensitively" laughing at Meg about the jelly, "sulking" when she spends money beyond their means, "neglecting her" after the twins are born, etc. And they interpret Meg's eagerness to please him and fear of disappointing him, Marmee warning her about his capacity for long-lasting anger, and her anxiety about leaving him alone with the babies as "This man is a potential abuser and his wife and mother-in-law both know it and are afraid of him."

IMHO, there are so many levels of wrong in all of the above!

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that using those bad-faith readings to argue that John has PTSD has a hint of ableism. The argument is basically "John is a good, likable man in Part I, but in Part II he becomes a selfish jerk of a husband whom Meg is afraid of and always placating. PTSD can explain the change." Doesn't that reading have unfortunate implications about PTSD?

[problemnyatic]

Conservatism is an inherently insecure mindset, and I'm so over it. How pathetic do you have to be to believe that other people being allowed to exist and live in dignity is enough to annihilate your "culture?" How fucking scared do you have to be to think that not being allowed the right to violence against any person or idea that doesn't specifically empower specifically you and people like you is going to destroy you?

Yeah, reality doesn't care about your feelings. That's why you can't be digging your heels into your worldview, measuring the validity of all information ou take in by how much it confirms your preexisting biases and beliefs. The world, the laws of nature, biology, all of it is so much weirder than you think. If you can't allow yourself to change your views when presented with new information, then you're going to be left behind, because the universe could not give less of a fuck if you think that something is "stupid" or "impossible" or "disgusting," or even "dangerous," the world will keep on fuckin' spinning whether or not you agree with its lifestyle.

I'm just so over it, man. Grow the fuck up and face the fact that the world you live in isn't the one you were told exists. It's scary and it'll mean you have to be wrong, or have been the bad guy, or be embarassed sometimes. It'll mean acknowledging that the world is so much bigger and, yes, definitionally more diverse than you realized, or want it to be, or think it should be, and you're just gonna have to fucking deal with it.

The world isn't about you. Other people's lives aren't your business and it's not your place to dictate how other people should live. You're just one person in a world of billions. It gets so much less upsetting and scary to live in it when you stop telling yourself that everyone who lives in a way you don't like is somehow a threat.

This doesn't mean letting people be assholes without consequences, it means realizing that you do not have special permission to be an asshole to other people because you're "right" and they're "a freak." It means realizing that your religious beliefs and your ideas of morality are not, and should not be, universal. It means going "huh.. guess I learned something new" instead of "that's bullshit, real life doesn't work like that" when you're presented with ideas that conflict with your beliefs. It means shutting the fuck up and just being uncomfortable in silence, sometimes, because sometimes in life you're just gonna be made uncomfortable, and that's not actually an act of violence against you, even and especially if the thing you're uncomfortable with is someone else's body.

It's never too late to change, and it's not shameful to have work left to do on changing. It's not shameful to be wrong, and it's not shameful to still be in progress. That's just what life is. Stop being so scared to show evidence of being only human; flawed, fallible, limited. The other 8 billion of us are in the same boat. You could just appreciate the solidarity and connection of it, if you wanted, you just have to stop trying to make it "your" boat.

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[dyketennant]

oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show

[softpine]

oh god i'm spiraling thinking about how this is going to make elaine feel after she hears asa did this as soon as she dropped him off! and beth and cara? danny and casper? stevie maybe being the one to find him?? IM LOSING IT

seriously i feel so bad for elaine, she has the least context of anyone in this situation. all she knows is that asa was acting weirder than normal and very secretive, then she takes him home and within hours he takes his life. she'll be rethinking everything he told her that day, i mean he literally said “If I can’t help anyone, then… I don’t know why I’m even here. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be so useless.” she's going to feel so guilty :(

beth, who has been battling with herself over whether she should let asa be a normal kid with privacy and agency, and who only just convinced caroline to ease up on him a little. and cara??? this is quite literally her worst fear:

danny and casper, who both chose to pursue something for themselves instead of putting their family first like they always have in the past, who are terrified of being far away when their family needs them.

stevie, who convinced asa to look for finn in the first place, and who already has guilt over the way she froze up and watched a woman die because she couldn't jump into action quickly enough. stevie, who will have to be the one to intercept asa's parents at the door if the paramedics haven't gotten there yet.

jada, who we aren't sure how much she saw or knows yet, but the sheer amount of guilt she has weighing her down is already so so heavy. i can't even imagine how responsible she would feel for potentially being unable to save her best friend since the literal day he was born.

and finn??? the real kicker for me is that finn would/will be horrified when he finds out what asa put his family through, all for him. he got upset when asa did something as innocuous as burning family pictures, because asa's family loves him so much and he hates that asa has put such a strain on their relationship because of finn.

but i hope i've made it clear enough that this isn't really about finn. asa hasn't been cycling through antidepressants and seeing countless doctors since he was 12 for no reason; he genuinely does struggle with severe depression, losing finn was just the last straw. asa's ability to see ghosts has caused him so much pain over the years, but finn alone made it worth the heartache. without him, he feels entirely helpless. he's surrounded by people every moment of every day, but he can't connect with a single one of them. so while his motivation here may not have been to die and stay dead, i also can't say that he had a clear enough mind to be worried about the emotional impact this would have on the people around him. he knows that if caroline found his body, she would never recover from that, but even that is only a short-term consequence – he's not thinking about how his loved ones will feel in a week or a year or the rest of their lives. i can't really fault him for that. but the whole thing is fucking tragic :(

[foolishfalls]

having a bad time

[anotherpapercut]

one of the kids at work never listens or does what he's told and we have like the same problems with him every day so the other staff all kind of hate him at this point so they'll yell at him for doing extremely minor shit and today he said "how come you're the only staff member who cares about me" and it made me really fucking sad but it's not like I can tell the grown adults I work with what to do so I just have no idea how to help the situation

[itsalwaysdark]

like i wouldnt mind like. Not having new linear games post 5 its judt that sims 4 wasnt even supposed to Be The Sims 4 it was a last minute pivot and the base code is so outdated and was broken On launch so like. i just wish we could have the final actual sims game be like. one that was always intented to be a major sims release AND be intended to be so long term . yk

[yoshistory]

Had a bad day at work today ... x__x...

[willowfey]

no one can make u feel crazier than ur mother<3

[sirompp]

every time i see people misusing/making fun of the word empath i lose a year off my life

[the-bluestreak-cat]

My extremely personal red flag is if you’ve never lived independently.

Do not open tags it’s just a personal vent and I hit the tag limit (30) and that’s never happened to me before ajskdlf

[aberooski]

I love Taylor. I always have and to some degree I always will. She means too much to me and is such an important figure and source of joy and light in my life when I desperately needed, and a connection to my own father that I need desperately, to deny that I will always look on her fondly to some degree as silly as that may seem sometimes and to some people.

But that doesn't mean I don't/won't/can't be critical of her or be disappointed or disagree with choices she makes or has made, because I absolutely have been and I absolutely am.

My problem is that I always, with every fiber of my being, look for and try to see the best in people and believe in people until I absolutely can't anymore. Unless it's something truly reprehensible and irredeemable, my brain simply cannot comprehend the idea that one bad decision or mistake trust me I know she's made more than one lately can automatically invalidate or negate anything and everything good a person has ever done. I've genuinely tried to understand it and unfortunately, I can't wrap my head around the concept. I give grace to a fault. I get sad when I see things said about her in a negative light even when I completely understand and even agree, because I have so much love for her in my heart. It's that tride and true naive, blind optimism in me I guess.

But I do not in any way think she's a perfect person, I know she isn't, because nobody is. Some are just better at hiding that than others. She makes mistakes, she's wrong sometimes, she is a human being who messes up. Sometimes in big ways. And unfortunately she's messed up a few times over the last year or so and that makes me sad. It disappoints me because I love her so much, and I do want and expect better of her. And in the process of that, it makes me very sad that I feel like I have to hide the facet of myself that does still love her despite my disappointment in her or risk making people upset with me now because I'm so afraid of upsetting people. I'm terrified of doing or saying the wrong things I try so hard to do the best I can every day and it's disappointing to see her slip up. It's sad. It makes me very sad.

It's a complicated time to love her right now. I hope, in my heart of hearts, I sincerely hope that sooner rather than later it won't have to be that way anymore. Not just for me, but for all of us who feel that complexity or conflict of emotions.