#something something thinking about how my childhood ex-best friend is the reason i think everyone is gonna leave me eventuality lol

[trinitea-fics]

I hate when you're very sure you're over something, but then you're awake at 4am and clearly Not Over it yet :/

[rosie-read-that]

one more afternoon / jake "hangman" seresin x reader

summary: your brother's best friend pays a visit to his texas hometown, and in spite of your resolution to get over your (slightly embarrassing) childhood unrequited crush, you can't help but admit that you're still down bad for jake seresin.

content warnings: f!reader, alcohol use, oblivious reader can't take a hint

word count: 14k (you told me not to apologize for long fics, so here it is, i present it without apology!)

author’s note: hello, all! i wanted to have this out by thanksgiving, but i got hit with a stomach flu and then with a regular flu, so it took me this long to finish it. i hope the wait was worth it 🫶 the title is taken from a song by maggie rogers. as promised, the next one will be a short (i mean it this time!) and spicy holiday-themed one for all the tyler owens lovers 💓 thank you so much for voting in the poll that got this baby written.

“Did you hear the big news?” Your dad bustled into the shop with his arms full of greenery, grunting as he set the bundles wrapped in newspaper into a bucket. At the counter, your mom paused her accounting and fixed your dad an eager stare. She loved news. “Jake’s coming home for the wedding!” he announced. He brushed his hands off while yours fumbled over the order forms. A few slipped out of sequence and fluttered down to the floor. You bent to pick them up, hearing your mom’s sigh of delight.

“Oh, that's wonderful news! Dinah will be so pleased, and Amanda, too. She was worried Jake wouldn't manage to get leave. You know how much she adores him.”

“Well, she's not the only one. Mike’s ready to throw a whole goshdarn parade in his honor.” The forms retrieved, you busied yourself with putting them back in order. Your dad laughed. “I haven’t seen the kid that excited since the day Gilly was born.”

“Ow!” You stuck your finger in your mouth, the taste of blood making you wince.

“Sweetie, are you okay?” your mom asked.

“Yeah, yeah, just… paper cut.”

She came to your end of the counter. Taking your finger in her hands, she moved it this way and that, squinting at it through her glasses before she dropped a kiss on your head. “Mm, I think you’ll live.”

“Thanks for the diagnosis.”

“Don’t sass me!” she joked. “I’ll call Mike. Maybe we can all throw Jake a nice big barbecue, spend some time together like the old days.”

“He’ll probably be busy with wedding stuff,” you pointed out, mumbling around your finger.

She shot you a look that said spoilsport. “I know Jake, he’ll make the time. Besides, he’ll be walking with you at the wedding, won’t he?” Mom must have taken the shock of surprise for disappointment, because she smacked a hand against her forehead and said, “Oh, sorry! Me and my big mouth!”

It took you a moment to realize she wasn't talking about Jake.

“Don’t worry about it,” you said, making a half-hearted attempt to sort through the forms again. Your parents looked at you skeptically. “I’m fine! Josh and I are practically ancient history.”

Dad, bless him, took your word for it, or at least pretended to. He picked up the bucket of sage bundles and took it into the back, but your mom hovered, stroking your shoulder, cloyingly sympathetic. It was clear she wanted to say something but was afraid of how you’d react. Knowing her, she’d give you that hangdog expression all day until you gave her permission to spill the beans, so you gave a deep sigh and turned to her with a look that said, “Alright, let’s have it.”

“I heard he’s bringing Mia to the wedding,” she blurted out. “Amanda was livid. She said she would disinvite him if you wanted—”

“Mom, I hope you told her that wouldn't be necessary.”

“Of course I did! But she said it was a standing offer.”

Oh, bother… Amanda was a sweetheart, if not a little overeager. As much as you appreciated everyone’s tact, it was also part of the reason why you still felt some awkwardness when you thought about Josh. Any time your friends or family brought up your ex, they looked at you like they were expecting you to fall to pieces, especially after word started going around that he had moved on to someone else. No matter how many times you insisted that they could refer to him normally and not as “him” or “you-know-who,” they thought you were being a brave martyr about it, pretending to take it better than you were for the sake of maturity.

“It’s not like that,” you explained for the thousandth time. “Josh and I are fine. And Mia…” Okay, so part of you did want to bash her over the head with a waffle iron. Still… “Nothing untoward happened. We were already broken up when they got together.”

“Well yeah, but after only a month,” your mom scoffed. “That’s hardly enough time to get over a six-year relationship.”

You shrugged. “Maybe some things are meant to be, and some… aren’t.”

“Oh, sweetie.” She hugged you from behind. You grimaced as she squeezed you tight and made cooing sounds. “You don’t have to be so civil about it. You’re allowed to be upset.”

“I know, Mom, thanks.” You patted her hand.

“Anytime.” You thought that would be the end of embarrassing conversations you didn't want to have, until she clapped her hands and said, “Look on the bright side - it’ll be good to see Jake again! For him to meet the baby - and won’t the wedding pictures be just darling? He’s so handsome! I know you’ll look just fabulous together…”

-

It was as much cliché as it was ancient history. Jake Seresin - tall, tan, broad-shouldered, with a thousand-watt grin and a starring place on the high school football team - had been your crush since the moment you realized boys were more than just smelly, disgusting nuisances. Hell, you'd liked him even before the letterman jacket, around the time of his first growth spurt, when he’d come back from a summer visiting his aunt and uncle in California. From the porch steps, you'd seen him running into the yard to throw ball with your older brother, Mike, and your stomach had flopped and then flipped, and then flopped again. Looking back, Jake - a mere mortal - had an awkward phase just like everyone else, but you didn't see it at the time. To you, he was the dreamiest guy since you wore out your family’s Titanic VHS trying to feed your preteen fantasies of being Rose romanced by DiCaprio (before the ship went down).

Anyway, Jake’s awkward phase didn't last long. By the time he was a sophomore, he was playing on the junior varsity team along with Mike. Your sports-mad, overly enthusiastic dad gave them his blessing to turn the barn into their own personal gym, and while you complained about the unfairness of the world and the preferential treatment given to male athletes, you did find excuses to “run errands” and “pass through” so you could see Jake, shirtless, glistening with sweat. It didn't take long for Mike to notice. As a preteen, you weren’t exactly known for your finesse. While, in your opinion, you were doing nothing more than offering the boys a little lemonade - like Mom asked you to do - Mike would go back to the house for dinner and declare for all and sundry that he’d “appreciate it if you didn't salivate all over Jake like a peeping tom.”

“I do not!”

“Yeah, you do!”

“Mom, I swear it's not true! He’s making it up. You’re making it up, you buttface! You just don't want me hanging around—”

“Why would I want you hanging around? We’re training! You’re a kid, you're a safety risk!”

“Mooooom!” you wailed.

��Honestly, Mike, don't call your sister a safety risk. You're hardly grown yourself.”

“She called me a buttface!”

“That’s true. Sweetie, don't call your brother a buttface at the table, it's not polite.”

“Fine. I’ll call him a buttface later, like he deserves.”

No further comment was made about your crush on Jake on that occasion, but over the years it became your brother’s weapon of choice when he wanted to knock you down a peg, and “I’ll tell Jake you have a big fat crush on him” was a surefire way to get you to do whatever he wanted.

Once, you went down for a glass of water after you were supposed to be in bed and came upon Mom and Dad talking in the kitchen.

“—it’s a harmless little crush,” you heard her say. “We all had them at that age.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Of course you don't. She’s your daughter and you're finally working out that she's not going to be a little girl forever.” There was a pause. “You don't have to worry, Stan, I’ve given her The Talk.”

Ew, gross, ew! You wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Yes, you remembered The Talk and you didn't want to have it ever again!

Your face heated as you knelt on the stairs. Hearing about The Talk in relation to you and Jake made you think about the stuff you’d seen at your friend Tessa’s house on the TV one night during a sleepover. You had stared at the screen, titillated and kind of horrified at what the actors were doing, the way their bodies moved and the sounds they made. Once the scene was over, you turned to each other and burst into nervous giggles, knowing your parents would blow a gasket if they knew what you’d seen. Not that you understood it. You knew how babies were made, but you didn’t understand what sex was supposed to be.

And your dad was worried about you having it? With Jake?

“He’s a good kid,” your mom gentled. “He knows she's too young for him - I’m not even sure he's aware that she likes him. Even if he is, he treats her like Mike’s kid sister. She’ll grow out of it.”

“If you say so, hon. But God as my witness—”

“She’s gonna have a boyfriend at some point.”

“When she’s eighteen,” your dad declared, “and not a moment sooner!”

You padded back to your room. It wasn’t news, but hearing that Jake thought of you as a kid dealt a heavy blow to your self-esteem. From then on, you resolved to play your cards closer to the chest - you might not be able to help the way he made you feel like your insides had turned to melted goo, but no one else had to talk about it behind your back like you had some sort of disease.

Unfortunately, playing it cool was one of the hardest things you had to do during high school. As it turned out, Jake and Mike were actually pretty good at the whole football thing. Around the time they made varsity, you zeroed in on the fact that girls found their athletic prowess to be sexually irresistible; they were crazy about them - and crazy about Jake in particular.

You watched as he winked and blew kisses at a train of girlfriends while he was out on the field. He leaned against their lockers, turning the charm up to eleven and brushing strands away from their cheeks, saying things like, “Pick you up at six?”

When he got his first truck - a beat-up old Chevy that he bought off Don Amberley by working shifts at the hardware store - you’d peer around your curtains at the sound of his horn. Sometimes Mike would take a while to leave the house, and Jake would turn his head to kiss the pretty girls in his front seat as a way to pass the time. The shy ones laughed, warding him off with a light push against his chest, while the bold ones closed their nails around his shirt and pulled him even closer, all but straddling his lap. You watched with bated breath as he put his hands on them, green with envy, wondering what it would be like to have his attention, not as his best friend’s little sister but as an actual girl.

Your suffering lasted a whole calendar year, after which Jake went off to college, then joined the Navy, and while time made you realize that you needed to move on with your life and stop making up scenarios about a white picket fence and two-point-five children, you never forgot about Jake, who in your mind - and despite your best efforts - remained the measure to which you compared every other guy.

It wasn't just his ridiculously handsome good looks, though having the body of a Greek god and a smile that made your toes curl didn't hurt. He had helped you when you’d scraped your knee roller-blading, letting you lean on his shoulder and fetching the bandages from the downstairs powder room; he joined your mom in the kitchen to do the washing-up when he stayed over for dinner, saying, “ma’am, I insist,” which earned him funny looks from Mike, but it never swayed him into doing things differently. You liked that he’d earned his first truck, got good grades, was a loyal friend. To you, Jake Seresin was the full package and then some - what more could anyone want? And while you had long accepted that he would make another woman very happy someday, the way in which your family teased you about your “little childhood crush” never failed to put your stomach all in knots. There was nothing little about it. In fact, it had now lasted well into adulthood and you had a feeling it would never fully go away.

-

Dad was right. Michael insisted on being part of the airport welcome wagon, cringey sign and all. He even stuck Gilly in an adorable pilot’s costume. Your sister-in-law sent you looks the entire way and, like a saint, restrained herself by only once making a comment about “your brother’s true wife.”

You sat in the backseat, trying to will yourself into being less nervous. Maybe it was your guilty conscience; for some reason, you kept thinking about all the times you’d imagined him in bed, or in the place of one of your boyfriends when you were doing couple-things. Be cool, be cool, you kept telling yourself.

By the time you parked at the airport, you thought your poker face was pretty flawless. After helping Julie wrestle the baby things into the stroller, you made your way through the chaotic mass of people coming and going through the Barbara Jordan terminal. The weather was good. Jake had texted your brother to say that he’d landed safely and was waiting to deplane, and Mike, vibrating with excitement, was trying to stake out a place in the Arrivals hall that would show his dorky Welcome Home, Hangman! sign in optimal light. Honestly, it was kind of embarrassing to be seen with him. You kept apologizing to the people he elbowed out of the way, as if to say, “Move aside, I was here first, bud!” But it did strengthen your resolve to be chill because at least one of you had to be.

Finally, you spotted a familiar face in the line of passengers spilling into the hall. Like something out of a romcom, Jake Seresin spotted Mike standing in the crowd, dropped his duffle bag, and came bounding into his arms. They talked over each other between laughter and bro-y exchanges, while Julie snorted through her nose and even Gilly sputtered and snuffled. You could take the boy out of Texas, it seemed… but back home he was still sixteen around friends.

Jake turned to you and smiled. “Hey, Cabbage.”

“Please, don’t,” you said, feeling awkward about the old nickname.

“Come here, bring it in.” He held out his arms, grinning, and there was no conceivable reason why you’d say no, so you steadied your nerves and stepped into them. He wrapped his arms around you. He smelled just as good as you remembered him - better, even, because a memory could never be as good as the real thing.

“You’re so stiff!” Jake pointed out, squeezing you tighter.

“No, I’m not.”

“What am I, your creepy uncle?” He looked down at you, then over your shoulder and spotted the baby in Julie’s arms.

His smile lit up his whole face and you felt your heart twist against your ribcage. You let out a breath when he let you go, trying not to fixate on the way his hand brushed against your shoulder as he did so, a slide that seemed to linger.

Fondness - that was all it was, you told yourself. He’d known you all your life and he was fond of you.

He turned his attention now to your little niece.With something like awe, he said, “Michael, you old bastard…” Then, “Sorry, little lady - you must be Gilly! Hi! Hi there, it’s your Uncle Jake! Your not-at-all-creepy Uncle Jake…”

“Nice one,” you threw back.

He grinned wider, saying, “Julie, how are you?”

“About as well as can be expected with a teething baby.”

“Well, you look great.”

“Liar,” Julie replied, but his comment made her stand a little straighter.

He let Gilly grip his finger in an attempt at a handshake. Being a sucker for attention, she wiggled her body in her mother’s grasp and held her arms out to the smiley stranger, wanting to be carried. Jake was thrilled. He bounced her in his arms the entire way to the car, asking about the wedding, his parents, how Amanda was doing, which of their friends he could expect to see on Saturday afternoon. Mike stuck to him like glue, carrying Jake’s bag for him and answering his questions. You were certain he’d send Julie to the back so Jake could ride shotgun, but instead, he loaded Gilly into her baby seat and Jake touched you on the elbow, saying, “I can take the middle seat.”

“You don't want the window?” you asked, your arm tingling. He had slipped on a pair of sunglasses once he left the terminal and he looked like a movie star, all golden skin, slicked-back hair, and a hint of stubble on his jaw. You had no idea how you were supposed to survive a 90-minute car ride when just the sight of him made you want to melt into a puddle on the floor.

“I want to sit next to my goddaughter. You get her all the time,” he pointed out and ducked into the car.

Helpless, you climbed in after him and pulled the door closed. In the back of the SUV, there was no way for your bodies not to touch. By necessity, your arms and thighs pressed together, his body solid and warm. You didn't want to draw attention to yourself by squirming away even though your heart was beating double-time and you were at a loss as to what to do with your hands.

Thankfully, the car started moving, and by the time you made it onto the highway you had almost gotten used to the feeling of his muscled forearms and the smell of his cologne. You were focusing on the passing landscape as he made small talk with Mike and Julie, so it caught you unawares when he turned to you and said, “So - it seems we’re paired up for the wedding. I’m sorry about you and Whatshisface, by the way.”

Here we go… “I know that you name his name, Jake.”

“Do I? Persona non grata. I must have erased him from my memory chip.” He was grinning like the cat who caught the canary, and there was something about the twinkle in his eye that made you glare daggers at your brother, who was looking suspiciously blank-faced sitting in the driver’s seat.

“Oh my God, Mike, what did you tell him?”

“Nothing! I just said you two broke up and that he’s with Mia now.”

“That cow,” Julie put in.

“Okay, time out!” you called, doing the motion with your hands. “As much as I appreciate this show of familial solidarity, it’s really not necessary. Josh and I are cool.”

“Well, we’re not!” Mike said.

“Then be cool, Mike! And you!” You wagged your finger in front of Jake. He stared at it like it was the most amusing thing in the world. “You just got here. Do you really want to spend the rest of the week picking fights that have nothing to do with you?”

Evidently, the answer was yes, but he raised his hands in a facetious show of surrender. “Hey, I never liked the guy.”

“Dude, neither did I!” Mike crowed.

“What? You never said anything!”

“I’ve always said that - haven’t I, babe?”

“Mike, you say a lot of things,” Julie drawled.

“…including the fact that I never liked the guy! Him and his beady little eyes—”

“He gets hay fever!” you defended. “That’s not his fault!”

“—and the fact that he stayed in the apartment—”

“I wanted to move out! Julie, a little help here?”

“Hey, I don't like the guy either.”

“What?” You were flabbergasted. You thought that everyone liking Josh was the whole reason why they felt communally betrayed by the breakup. Now they were acting like the spearheads of an anti-Josh conspiracy? “Are you seriously telling me this six years after the fact? You went to games with him!”

“Wait, you went to games with Josh Spritzer?” Jake balked, his voice going up an octave while Mike went red in the face.

“I was in a dark place, man. Julie was pregnant and you weren't around… It was a case of the pre-baby blues!”

“I feel like you just admitted to cheating on me. Josh Spritzer?”

“Hey!” you warned.

“I mean, I guess it’s all a matter of taste, sweetheart…”

“Seresin, what the hell!”

“…although God knows I never knew what you saw in him—”

“Oh, didn't you?”

“Hey, I love you all sooo much,” Julie piped up from the passenger seat, “Jake, I’m happy you’re here, but will you all shut up so Gilly can sleep?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Though Jake sobered up, the provoking glint remained in his eyes. Once more you were aware of his closeness and the heat of his skin.

“Unbelievable…” you said underneath your breath, crossing your arms, your reward being another one of Jake’s dazzling smiles.

-

When you arrived, the reunion was as rowdy as you expected. About two dozen Seresins and their closest friends and family had convened at Jake’s childhood home. Amanda cried when she saw her favorite cousin coming towards her, and she excitedly introduced him to her husband-to-be, a bookish engineer named Christian who came from a small family and seemed as flattered as he was overwhelmed by all the attention.

Dinner was served outdoors, buffet style. The backyard was strung up with twinkling lights and music played from a pair of speakers stationed at the back porch. The air was festive and full of hope; it was easy to get caught up in the pre-wedding bliss when you were well-fed, your glass never empty, the company some of your most loved people in the world.

Josh - thank God - was not in attendance. He was supposed to walk down the aisle with you. Your save-the-date and wedding invitation had arrived labeled with his name along with yours, the assumption being that of course your long-term, live-in boyfriend would be your date. After you’d broken up, Amanda had to reshuffle her arrangements to keep you as one of her bridesmaids, the only upside being that Jake’s uncertain attendance made him your perfect partner.

Well, perfect for Amanda, if not for you.

At some point in the night, after speeches had been made and dessert served, Jake took the seat next to you to chat with his great-aunt Sandy and her boyfriend, Clyde. The apple pie came courtesy of Mrs. Seresin, who had the best recipe in the county and probably the entire state of Texas, in your limited and yet eager opinion. You demolished it with aplomb and once you finished, Jake pushed his plate towards you, the crust untouched. “Have at it.”

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“I know it’s your favorite part.”

The fact that he remembered made you feel sixteen again, watching him come home from university, crushed at knowing that he had a whole life you didn't know about, people he knew who were probably far more interesting, sophisticated and self-assured. He joined the Navy, and then moved out west while you stayed behind in your hometown, stationary while he took to the skies.

He had always been nice to you, for all that he enjoyed teasing you and even making fun of you on occasion. But that didn't mean you would ever be anything more to him than his best friend’s sister, someone he indulged in the same way as Amanda.

You excused yourself from the table, picking up plates as a pretense to head inside and get a few moments to yourself. This was exactly the reason why you hadn't wanted Jake to come home. Selfishly, in your heart of hearts, you had prized your own comfort above Amanda’s happiness, which made you feel like a Grade-A jerk, but you weren't ready to confront the way he made you feel after all this time. How could you explain to yourself, let alone anyone else, that you were holding out for a fantasy you’d had since you were young?

Suddenly, the presence of everyone you’d known and loved all your life felt oppressive rather than a source of delight. You poured yourself a glass of wine from one of the open bottles on the counter and went out to the Seresins’ front porch. From there, the sounds of the party seemed far away and you let out a sigh of relief. You sat on the ledge with your back to one of the vertical beams, watching the night breeze move the branches on the trees and the clouds which obscured the waning moon. Gradually, your mind slowed its pace and you were able to enjoy the song of the night critters mingled with the distant music of someone - probably Clyde - strumming his guitar.

Your repose was broken by the screen door opening and then clattering shut behind you, making you turn your head to see Jake coming outside, just a touch sheepish but for the most part his usual Jake-self, out of his jacket and carrying a bottle of beer.

He lowered himself beside you, and after a moment’s silence, said, “So, how’ve you been? Aside from Whatshisface.”

You shot him a warning look. If he was bringing up Josh, it was only to tease you like he’d done in the car and you weren’t in the mood right now to be the butt of a joke - not when you felt so vulnerable about what he was to you. (Dammit… and of course this has to be a wedding.)

“What,” he said, gently cajoling, “I can’t ask?”

“About my personal life? You never used to care.”

“In high school, I don’t think I was supposed to care. And afterwards—”

“Afterwards, Hangman got a little too full of himself,” you quipped.

“Hey… that's… actually pretty accurate, I’m not gonna lie.” He took a swig of beer, laughing as he said it. The porch light threw his features into sharp relief and you gave yourself permission to look at him - really look at him - for the first time since he returned.

Setting aside that he was gorgeous as ever, he seemed less carefree than you remembered, but it wasn’t a bad thing. He appeared, well, like a grown-up, for lack of a better word. You wondered whether you were being unfair in making assumptions when you had both changed so much in the last decade, as people tended to do. He wasn’t just the dream guy in your head; he was so many things in his own right, and he was here with you, wanting to talk - and maybe trying to get to know you on an even field.

If only that wasn't another reason to love him.

“You seem different,” you said, hoping your voice wasn’t giving you away.

He looked at you for a few breaths, the corner of his mouth tipped up but the rest of his face serious. Then he shrugged in mock humility with a “What can I say, greatness suits me.”

“Idiot…” You shook your head and let out a snort, though on the inside you felt full of champagne - fizzy and bright because he was with you.

“How's the shop going?” he asked after a beat.

“Pretty well. We’re doing the flowers for Amanda’s wedding.”

“And you're bridesmaiding?”

“It’s hardly flying F-18s.”

“I think Amanda would disagree.”

“Well, it is her wedding,” you pointed out, “she’s—”

“Out of her mind,” Jake enounced.

“She’s excited,” you corrected even as a montage ran through your head of all the times Amanda had texted the wedding party’s WhatsApp group to say that “a catastrophe” had occurred or that today was the worst day of her life because “the linen photos do NOT reflect the true shade. I wanted SAGE green - doesn’t this look laurel to you?”

“She’s my cousin,” Jake went on. “In fact, she’s my favorite cousin - which is how I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’s the biggest bridezilla this side of the Mississippi. To being wedding buddies,” he said and held his beer out towards you, “’cause God knows we’re gonna need it.”

“Wedding buddies,” you said, and clinked your glass. You waited until he had a mouthful of beer to say, “So, how’s your love life these days?”

“O-ho!” He nearly choked. “We are not doing that.”

“That hardly seems fair!”

“Age before beauty, Cabbage: I still get to make a few of the rules.” Watching your face work into a grimace, he laughed. “You really do hate when I call you that, don't you? Look at you! It's like a full-body cringe!”

“Stop it!” you complained.

The unfortunate nickname started back when you were a kid and had a penchant for a particular Cabbage Patch doll, which, in hindsight, seemed like an emotional support object, thank you very much. You carried it around until you were forcibly parted during Kindergarten - hence, Cabbage Patch, which in time shortened itself to “Cabbage.” It was cute when your mom said it, but Jake?

“You don't seem to mind when Mike calls you that,” he replied.

You narrowed your eyes. “I’ve seen Mike in all sorts of undignified situations. It evens the playing field.”

“I’d say we've known each other almost as long.”

“It is not the same.”

“How come?”

“It’s just… not.”

“I’m getting nothing else out of you by way of an explanation, aren't I? Fine…” he dramatically sighed. “I guess I’ll stop calling you Cabbage.”

“You don't have to…”

“Nope, it's done, it's retired!”

“Thank you,” you said, a little embarrassed.

From the backyard came a round of applause as Clyde finished his song. Jake smiled at you, then leaned close with a devilish glint in his eye. “Are you sure you're okay with the whole Josh thing? We can always make it our mission to make him insanely jealous.”

You scoffed. “Please, he would never buy that. You and me? He’d see right through it.”

“I want you to know that your lack of faith in my abilities is deeply, deeply hurtful. I’m just saying! You haven't seen me in action!”

“Oh, I’ve seen you in action, alright…”

“There she is!” he cackled.

You hoped the laughter meant he’d missed the note of jealousy in your voice. “Besides, I don't care about making him jealous,” you said with a shrug. “He and Mia are good together.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah… Okay, look,” you sighed, “the only reason I’m telling you this is because you're not them, so I’d better not hear a word from Mike about anything I’m about to tell you. Deal?”

He nodded, and mimed zipping his lips closed for dramatic effect.

“There’s just… no sob story about it,” you began. “By the time it was over, it was almost a relief. And honestly? If it hadn't been for our families, we would've broken up ages ago.”

“What was wrong with him?”

By the look on his face, it was like he expected you to say he had a funny snore or that he chewed too loudly or had an extra head. If only the truth were that tangible. He wasn't mean to you, didn't cheat. But he wasn't Jake. He didn't make you excited to wake up in the morningz

“By the end, we were more like roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend,” you explained. “I mean, when it happened, did I want to claw Mia’s face off, knowing she’d been angling for an opening for years? Of course I did. But that was more about my pride than anything. I wasn't heartbroken. I’m not,” you insisted. “But telling them that would feel like ruining Christmas. They're having fun slinging mud on my behalf.”

“And maybe just a tiny part of you enjoys it?” Jake asked.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”

He laughed. “Do you really think I’m above a bit of harmless spite? Hell, I practically wrote the playbook. But what you said - about your pride being hurt? That goes for him too, you know. He doesn't have to buy the whole thing, he just has to see you moving on. Trust me, it’ll hurt.”

“Maybe I don't care enough to hurt him.”

Jake studied you, his eyes shining in the warm glow. “You really have grown up,” he said at last. “I, on the other hand—”

“Oh, come on. Jake, you’re all talk, always have been.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The summer before your junior year,” you pointed out, “you spent nearly all of it replacing Will Delonge’s wooden fence and you told no one about it. The only reason I know is because Mom found out—”

“Your mom finds out about everything,” Jake lamented.

That she did. “You helped Arn McCallister with his math grade,” you added. “You asked Gina to dance at the Winter Ball when her friends made that bet—”

“Some friends,” he interjected. “I swear, Fiona Brussaurd still scares the shit out of me. What, were you keeping tabs on me all through high school?”

“Everyone was keeping tabs on you all through high school,” you confessed. “You were Jake Seresin, Hometown Hero. You still are. You could probably get away with murder.”

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head. If you weren't mistaken, there was a tinge of pink in his cheeks, but it might have been the beer he finished, or a play of the light. “Actually, I can’t. Semper Fortis, remember? You can't fly planes in prison. Besides, I am way too pretty for that uniform.”

“And you always do that,” you replied. “Try to throw people off the scent of you being an actually decent guy. But I know the truth,” you pointed out. “You have a tell.”

“Really, what's that?”

Over the course of the conversation Jake had angled towards you without your notice; now, your knees were touching and his upturned mouth was close enough to kiss. Your heart was racing in your chest, and yet his gaze was like a challenge - don’t back down, he seemed to say, and that was all Jake. He was exhilarating, just by being himself.

You dared to draw even closer, as if whispering a secret. “Mothers love you.”

“Maybe I’m just really good at pretending.”

“Take the hit, Seresin. No one is that good.”

Smiling, he nudged your knee and leaned back on his hands, sitting with you until the first early-nighters began to leave.

-

Amanda Seresin was two years older than Jake. Her dad, Jake’s uncle, passed away when Amanda was fourteen, and ever since, Jake and his parents had taken her and Dinah under their wings. Jake was the closest thing she had to a brother, and though he was younger, you knew Jake was incredibly protective of her and his aunt, so you were determined not to ruin his wedding experience by being a lovestruck weirdo.

After your time together on the porch, that might prove difficult for you. But this was about Amanda. She assigned you to be his date, and you were going to be a professional about it.

Literally. You were handling the flowers, after all.

“These are a little tall, aren’t they?” your mom asked, fretting over the tulips at the center of one of the guest tables. “I asked for measurements, but now that they’re here…”

You glanced at your watch. “We have time to fix them.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, mom, all of them. Let’s take them into the kitchen, then we can rush up and change before the cocktails start.” You knew she wouldn’t have a speck of peace if she didn’t get them trimmed. She would fret and fuss, and probably commit floral kidnapping crimes when it all got too much. She liked everything to be perfect, especially for the people she loved, so you ignored the time crunch and your watch yelling at you that it was 4:35, twenty-five minutes before guests were due to arrive for drinks and canapés, and, signaling for your dad to help gather up the centerpieces, you rushed into the venue’s kitchen and started trimming down with the nearest pair of garden shears.

Your mom breathed a sigh of relief when the task was done and a few of the earliest guests offered to help carry the vases back to the tables, giving you enough time to head upstairs and put on the blue dress you’d brought in a garment bag.

So you were fussing about your looks… That didn’t mean you were not chill, it just meant you wanted to look nice… for Amanda. For the photos. It had nothing to do with Jake Seresin at all.

By the time you made it down - finally, and a little late since you spent more on it than usual perfecting your makeup - there were about sixty people on the lawn, nibbling on pulled pork sliders and mac-and-cheese bites, mini tacos and bacon-wrapped dates. You spotted your dad grabbing one of everything and your mom pulling on his sleeve, probably to hiss, “Pace yourself, hon.” She had a glass of champagne in one hand, more as a prop, since half of her attention was spent surveying her work as if anticipating one of the centerpieces to go up in flames.

Knowing her, she might have packed a tiny fire extinguisher in that glittery, silver clutch.

You stifled a laugh, grabbing a plate and a few of the canapés from a passing waiter. The rehearsal dinner was a much bigger affair than the barbecue Jake’s parents had thrown for close friends and family the night before. You knew Josh would be in attendance (probably with Mia) and so would a lot of your high school crowd. Letting out a sigh, you threw your shoulders back and tried to look relaxed, exchanging greetings as you mingled with the growing number of guests. It was a beautiful night. God must love Amanda, as He should, because the weather was balmy in a pleasant way, warm enough that the ladies could throw off their wraps and show off their dresses, the men leave their jackets draped over chairs.

The venue was a little bed and breakfast with a sprawling back patio and hedges that grew around the property, gracefully unkempt, with magnolia trees in bloom. You said hello to your old History teacher, a small, soft-spoken woman with a gray bob and tortoiseshell glasses dangling on a chain. In turn, she had taken personal interest in Amanda, Jake, and then you - she was the whole reason Amanda went into teaching, and you heard Jake mention once that he wouldn’t have joined the Navy if not for her. Sometimes, you felt a little self-conscious about not having more to show for your education, but Ms. Beauchene never made you feel like your life choices were a disappointment. She popped into the flower shop on occasion, pleased with her paper-wrapped bouquets, and no matter what, without fail, you’d ring her up and she’d say with full honesty, “These are going to make my week,” before she walked out humming.

You were glad Amanda included her in the rehearsal, especially when you spotted Josh walking in with his arm around Mia’s waist. Excusing yourself, you made for the bar and ordered one of the signature cocktails, Amanda’s favorite blackberry bourbon smash, and downed half of it before turning back and making small talk as if your life depended on it. Strangely enough, it wasn’t the sight of Josh that had you feeling like the inside of your brain was crawling with ants. It was Mia. You hated the thought of her seeing any kind of weakness in you - that she might take in your appearance and think that your hairdo was messy or that your eyes looked a little dark, and assume from it that she’d left you a human wreck after her little victory.

Without a doubt, Mia had attended the Fiona Brussaurd School of Mean Girls, and the last thing you wanted to do was appear like the lesser creature. So when your family began to fuss under the pretense of “casually” making conversation, you swatted them away, feeling grateful when dinner was announced and everyone could retreat to their neutral corners.

You chose to sit at a table with a few old school friends, one of whom was also in the wedding party, and to avoid the meaningful looks Julie had been sending you all evening, you sat with your back to the rest of the guests, enjoying the hour of relative peace and reminiscing, the view of an ornamental fountain set with warm lights, and your plate of pan-seared sea bass and cheesy potatoes. Gradually, the music shifted from sit-down easy listening to dancing tunes, and the people at your table began seeking out partners or joining those already on the lawn who were spinning and jiving in every available space.

Soon, you were alone at the table. You leaned back in your chair, enjoying the breeze against your face. If you closed your eyes, listening to the sounds of music and laughter, you could almost forget all the drama with your ex…

You felt a tap on your shoulder. Looking up, you saw Jake and his movie-star grin. The butterflies started banging around your stomach again. Forget the tulips, you were the one with your nerves all in a tangle tonight.

“Hey, stranger - ’nother drink?” he asked, offering you another of the bourbon cocktails. He had a rocks glass in his other hand, and without waiting for an invitation he took the chair next to you, throwing his arm across the back of yours.

You replied, “Yes, please,” trying not to melt into his touch. Nuzzling against him like a cat would not be chill, you reminded yourself, even if he did look incredible with his open dress shirt collar and the little peek of his chest made you feel like a Victorian with the vapors.

He lounged in that casual way of his, attractive without trying. “These things really go on forever, don't they?”

“And it’s just the rehearsal dinner.”

“What happened to getting married on a Tuesday while everyone’s at work?”

You narrowed your eyes. “Did you just quote Runaway Bride?”

His face went still. “What, no.”

“Yes, you did!” you exclaimed, setting down your drink and straightening in your seat. Jake looked mildly panicked and was doing his best to look innocent, which you found absolutely hilarious. “Oh my God, are you a closet romcom man?”

“It must've been subconscious.”

“Subconscious, my ass,” you shot back.

“She looks happy.” Jake tipped his head towards Amanda despite the fact that she was behind you both, out of sight, and clearly being used as a way to change the subject. “You know the guy?”

“You met him yesterday,” you said. And I know what you're doing implicit was in your tone.

Jake shrugged, an expert at deflection. “Yeah, but it's hard to tell what a guy’s made of from a single meeting.”

Deciding that the accusation of Romcomitis would go unanswered on this particular occasion, you tested the limits of his cool under pressure, pretending to deliberate before you played along with the conversational shift.

“D’you want to hear the absolute worst thing I can think to say about him?”

Jake went battle-ready, poised to hate the guy. You watched his shoulders and the set of his jaw change, and it made you want to touch the side of his face and kiss the frown away, laughing as you did.

Just messing with you, you would say.

It would be so easy. Maybe the fantasy was clouding your judgment - along with your third cocktail of the night - but you could feel in your body that being with Jake would be as natural as breathing.

You looked over your shoulder, watching Christian lean into Amanda to whisper something into her ear.

He had his hand on her arm and looked a little spooked, probably because one of the Seresins’ honorary aunts, Jackie, who was known for her tell-it-like-it-is comments, no matter how indiscreet, was walking away. Poor guy. Amanda giggled at whatever he said and stroked his hand, whispering back words of reassurance. Their demeanor together was easy, full of shorthand. And Amanda did look happy - so happy that it made you a little jealous, pleased as you were that she had found her person.

Jake followed your gaze, watching them alongside you.

“He's a little dull,” you explained. “But in a good way. He mellows her out.”

“Amanda? That sounds like an impossible task. But I can see it…” He cocked his head. “I think.”

You turned your eyes back to your own table. Jake was fiddling with his glass, watching the amber liquid swirling around the oversized iced cube. He looked pensive, a furrow appearing between his brows that, in another life, you would have stroked away.

He shook his head and raised the glass to his lips. “You don't realize how much you've missed…”

Before you could think about it, you had your hand on his arm. “Hey, no one's keeping score.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Then don't,” you insisted. “You do what you've gotta do - we all know that. Your parents know it, Amanda knows it. She’s just happy you're here.”

You could tell that, as much as he appreciated your words, they weren't enough to sweep away all the moments he hadn't been around to see. It didn't matter that Jake loved flying planes, that he was proud to be one of the best naval aviators in the service, and wouldn't change his career for the world. He was still in a position where he had to ask you what Amanda’s future husband was like. He had missed his goddaughter’s christening, had to rush out of Mike and Julie’s wedding five years ago… He’d made an oath, and for as long as he wore the uniform, his first commitment was to something other than his family. Other than himself.

He spoke his next words quietly, almost to himself, just for you.

“You know, the thing about flying is that when you're up there, nothing else matters. It can’t. All of your focus, all of your faculties, your energy… they're in the air. Meanwhile, all of this real life… the thing we’re meant to be safeguarding for everyone else, it doesn't stop, and when you land right back in the middle of it—”

He stopped.

“Yeah?” You were hanging on for the rest of it, eager for these little pieces of Jake that you stored up even after he was gone.

“I mean, it feels like yesterday since I left for college, signed up. Now Amanda’s getting married, Mike’s having kids, you are having just the worst luck of the year…”

“Hey!” you laughed.

“I’m kidding, kidding!”

“You’re sounding like an old man, Jake. You're thirty-two - pull yourself together. Jeez! Who knew Top Gun would make you so existential? Is that why you're self-medicating with classic romantic comedies?”

“If you ever tell Mike, I swear to God—” He pointed his finger at you, and you pinched it in two of yours, earning a chuckle and a childish attempt at a thumb-war game that was interrupted when the bride herself came up behind you and threw her arms around you both with a “Hey, you two!”

“Mands!” Jake exclaimed, craning his neck to give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Having fun?”

“Absolutely. So, so much—”

“You big fibber,” Amanda threw back. “Why are you here? Go dance!”

“Can’t. I’m keeping my date company, and a gentleman never abandons his date. It’s in the rules.”

“Good thing I know you're not a gentleman. You're in my wedding party!” she said. “It’s up to you two to set a good example for the other guests.”

“Yes, ma’am. Shall we?” He offered you his hand, throwing Amanda a look that said, See? I’m following orders.

She smiled back, giving you room to rise from your chairs and circle round. With her arms crossed, she watched as you found an open space, making sure you’d followed through before seeking out her next victims.

As bad luck would have it, the song switched from something uptempo to an Ashley Monroe ballad, romantic strings and all. “Has anybody ever told you/ that when you walk into a dark room/ the light of a thousand moons surround you?/ Yeah, there's just something about you./ Has anybody ever told you?”

It was stupid, but the words felt so real with Jake’s hands on you that you were worried he’d be able to read your mind or see on your face that you meant every sentence. You tried looking anywhere else, at the other couples, the catering staff picking up empty glasses, at your mom fluffing a perfectly decent bouquet, anywhere but at Jake.

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?” you asked, eyes darting nervously at being caught red-handed.

“Tense up like I’ve got the plague,” Jake said. “You’re making this weird.”

“I’m making what weird?”

“We’re dancing!” He pressed one hand against your hip, the other into your lower back. “Just dance!”

“By which I’m sure you mean, ‘just follow my lead’?”

You didn't mean to sound so prickly, you were just panicking and trying to throw Jake off the scent. This does not constitute playing it cool, you scolded yourself. But instead of taking it badly, Jake laughed as he stared down at you.

“If you like. Or I can follow yours if it makes you feel any better. Here, you can put your hand on my waist - but leave room for Jesus.”

“Dork.”

“There we go,” he cajoled, swaying with you in time to the beat. “Letting you insult me seems to really get your engines going. We should analyze that.”

“Don’t you ever stop talking?”

“I don’t know, do I?” He cackled out loud at the dark look you sent his way, stroking your back in a way that meant absolutely nothing, but which you felt all the way down to your toes. “You make it too easy,” he added.

Jake’s sense of humor made it hard to stay self-conscious. Eventually, you eased into the dance and you were almost sorry when the song switched to something a little more upbeat that didn't require him to stand so close to you. Still, he twirled you in a circle and brought you back into the solid curve of his body, showing off.

Then, out of nowhere, his face worked into a scowl as he spotted something a few yards to your right. You turned your head to see what it was, so lost in the moment that it took a few seconds for you to register that Josh was dancing with Mia, quite well, actually, to the Texas Tornados.

“Look at that schmuck.”

“Jake…” you warned.

“What? It’s just an observation, I’m not saying it for your benefit.”

“She looks incredible,” you sighed. On anyone else, the dress she had on would make them look like a costume disco ball, but on Mia it looked modern and chic, showing off her body and matching well with a slicked back bun and dangly earrings.

Jake’s shoulder rose and fell beneath your hand. “If you say so. She’s not really my type.”

Are you serious?  “Jake, just about every woman is your type.”

“I’m sorry, are you slut-shaming me right now? In this political climate? I could have you canceled for that.”

“Ha-ha,” you said in response. “I mean, look at her, she is objectively a 10 - don’t say you wouldn’t. Hell, I would if I were inclined that way… Don’t!” You pinned Jake with a warning stare, cutting off the joke that was on the tip of his tongue and dying to come out.

“Well, I wouldn’t now,” he said instead.

“Gee, thanks.”

“For the sake of our friendship.”

The word made you tense up again - not on purpose, it was an automatic reaction you wanted to take back as soon as you went stiff all over again. And it didn't escape Jake’s notice.

“What?” he questioned, cupping your shoulders and shaking you a little as a gag. “Oh my God, have you ever thought about taking up yoga? Meditation?”

“Flying lessons?” you shot back.

“Hey, don’t knock it. Compared to you, I am a very chilled-out person.” You rolled your eyes, not wanting to admit that he was right. No matter what was going on inside Jake, he knew how to keep a calm exterior. You’d always admired that about him. With the exception of your dad, your family wasn't known for its cool under pressure. Even Mike could be a bit of a basket case. That’s why he and Julie worked so well together.

You sighed again, wondering if you’d ever find your own version of Christian or Julie, someone who fit with all of your wonky parts and made you feel, regardless of circumstance, that everything would turn out okay.

“You look beautiful, by the way.” You looked at Jake, startled by the remark and the heat rushing into your face. He was dead serious. The levity you saw in his eyes had nothing to do with his tone, which was kind but not pitying. And you knew Jake would never say something like that if he didn’t mean it. “Not that it’s a competition,” he tacked on, “I’m just saying… don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure he’s eating his heart out right now.”

“And how would you know a thing like that?”

“Because he hasn’t stopped looking at us for the last sixty seconds.”

Your gaze drifted off to the side before Jake took your chin in his hand, his touch gentle and yet firm.

“Don’t look!” he chided. “Jesus… That’s recon 101 - I’ve got your six, you keep dancing and pretend we’re not talking about him, you amateur!”

“Sorry! You’re so bossy!” you grumbled, fighting off another blush.

“Sweetheart, you have no idea.”

The word zinged through your body along with the killer Jake Seresin dimpled grin, and to make matters worse, he twirled you again, laughing when he brought you to rest your back against his chest. Josh froze when he saw you, spotting Jake’s hands on your waist. But you couldn’t care less - you were breathless, with Jake’s mouth close enough to kiss, reminding you of his knee nudge on the porch and his arm beneath your hand.

For a moment, you could almost believe that he was flirting with you for real. If you turned your head, would he accept the press of your mouth against his? Would he push you away or pull you in closer, regardless of your families watching and Josh staring, almost open-mouthed, like he couldn’t believe Jake fucking Seresin would give you the time of day?

Before you could make a choice, the song ended and Jake released you from his grip, keeping a hand on your back as he herded you away from the dance floor and to the bar, where he ordered a beer and asked if you wanted something. If you answered, you weren’t aware. You felt not in control, your stomach all in knots and the memory of Jake’s touch seared into your skin. A part of you still wanted desperately to kiss him and the other wanted to rush into the B&B and burst into tears from sheer confusion. Meanwhile, Jake seemed perfectly fine, chatting with the bartender on duty and leaning against the counter as he dropped a few bills into the tip jar.

“What are you doing?” you asked when you felt him touching you on the shoulder.

“Pretending you have lint on your dress.”

“Hey! On the dance floor was one thing, but I am not aiming to make this entire weekend about making my ex jealous. Any high school dude-vendetta you have against Josh should be addressed on your own time, you psycho. Besides, he’s never going to actually buy it.”

“Alright.” Jake threw up his hands, lowering the charm down a few watts. Your drinks were set down on a pair of square cocktail napkins and you took up yours, a fizzy gin thing with lemon that made you wonder whether you shouldn’t have stuck with bourbon to avoid going around with a hangover on Amanda’s wedding day.

Jake went on. “But I’m really not liking all this negative self-talk, you know. Mia might be a 10, but at most he’s, like, a 6…”

“Oh, be quiet!”

“You’re an 8.”

“What?” The alcohol either rushed up to your head or evaporated completely. How the hell did Jake manage to say things that left you completely dumbfounded and without a single intelligent thought in your head? And he did it with a smile! This one was purposefully subdued as he waved around with the beer in his hand as if making a profound point.

“You’re way out of his league. Don’t tell me you hadn’t noticed?”

“Okay, well…”

“You’re blushing!” he remarked. “That’s adorable.”

“You’re not funny, Seresin.”

“Hey, I joke about a lot of things, but I don’t go around handing 8s to just anyone.”

“Oh, look, they’re bringing out coffee.” The needle was tipping firmly towards the need to escape, though it wasn’t that serious - you knew it wasn’t; Jake had a tendency to be a flirt and he usually didn’t mean anything by it. Sometimes, it could even be amusing to play along, to get swept up in his wit and the light of his attention. But you didn’t want to play. And you didn’t want to seem ungrateful for his company because you weren’t. You loved every precious second you got to spend with him, knowing he’d be off to California soon and that the next time you might see him could be months or even a year from now.

Getting your hopes up would be a mistake, and you were dangerously close to doing it.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He touched your elbow gently. You wished he couldn’t read you so well. Or that he could read you better, and see what you had been trying to say to him for years but were too scared to utter.

You did your best to smile. “Nothing’s wrong. You don’t have to hover all night. Go, take a load off, have fun.”

“I am having fun,” he said, frowning. “Aren’t you?”

“I was. I am,” you corrected, frustrated with yourself for not taking it better. For not being cool and together and the sort of girl who took charge and damned the outcome. She would’ve kissed Jake when she had the chance. She would have shown up to California. Hell, she would’ve made her move ages ago instead of pining, pathetically, and letting twenty years go by.

That’s what Mia had done. And that’s why she had her dream guy - your former guy - while you were exactly in the same position, too tongue-tied to take a shot.

“Just… can you give me some space?” you blurted out, your frustration bleeding through.

The hurt in Jake’s expression was there and gone in a lightning flash, but you’d seen it and you felt terrible about it. Before you could say anything to make it better, he’d replaced it with a devil-may-care smile.

“Got it,” he said, his voice a little tight around the edges. “Well… I’ll make myself scarce. Holler if you need me.”

With that, he took his beer and disappeared into the crowd, leaving you to weave your way through oblivious partygoers to find the nearest ladies’ room, where you locked yourself in a stall and tried not to ruin your makeup with the tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

-

Hindsight was a bitch. The next morning you were sure you’d overreacted, made a fool of yourself and created a potentially awkward situation now that the wedding day was upon you and you had to take his arm, in - you glanced at the digital clock on your nightstand - five-and-a-half hours, and walk with him down the aisle wearing a smile for the sake of the photographers.

You groaned, covering your face with your hands and calling yourself every name in the book.

Jake had promised to be your wedding buddy and then sweetly kept his word, and what did you do in response? Completely freak out, you scatterbrained nincompoop.

As penance, you threw yourself into the arrangement of the reception flowers, channeling your mother while you directed the staff this way and that, trying not to think about Jake and the mortifying apology that awaited you. It was the right thing to do - not only to clear the air but because he hadn't deserved being chewed out in a momentary panic, and you knew you wouldn't feel right with yourself if you didn't take the blame and say your mea culpa.

But boy were you dreading it.

“You should head out now, Cabbage,” your mom advised around eleven o'clock. “Dad and I can handle the rest and you should be with Amanda, spend some time with the girls before the big event.”

“Are you sure you don't need help with the aisle arrangements?” A cowardly attempt, but you did it anyway.

“We’ve got it,” Mom repeated, turning you around and all but shepherding you into the parking lot. She waved you off with a “have fun,” and you couldn't help your brain’s internal response of “fat chance.”

All the way to the B&B you kept rehearsing what you might say to Jake when you saw him, but by the time you pulled up and found a free parking space, you were sweating, physically and metaphorically, and thinking that, maybe, if you listened to TED Talks rather than Dateline, you might have an enlightened response to your current dilemma.

You fetched your bagged bridesmaid's dress from the trunk of the car, along with your makeup bag and hair tools. You’d have to use the shower before you started getting ready, but you were looking forward to get-ready champagne and a throwback playlist. Anything to feel more like your normal self and less like a silly teenager who couldn’t talk to boys.

You went up three flights of stairs to reach the bridal suite. From both sides, you could hear music spilling out into the hall, an ABBA classic clashing with Brett Young. Automatically, you placed your hand on the doorknob leading towards bouncy 80s pop only for it to turn and spring open, revealing Jake with an undone bow tie hanging around his neck.

It could be that your mouth sprung open, not expecting to see him that abruptly and without giving yourself your planned thirty-second pep talk.

Your mind went blank. All you could do was stare at him like an idiot as he pointed across the hall and said, “Bridal suite’s that way.”

“Yeah, it was…”

“The Super Trouper? Groom’s choice.”

“Are you sure it wasn't yours?” The joke spilled out of your mouth, landing awkwardly to your own ears. But Jake smiled anyway, glancing down as he let the door close behind him. 

He rubbed the side of his freshly shaved cheek. “I’m headed down to the front desk, by the way. I swear I’m not stalking you.”

You deserved that. So instead of cringing down into the floor - which was what you really wanted to do - you took the hit and said, “I didn’t think you were.”

“About last night…”

“I’m sorry for flying off the handle. I’m just… a little stressed,” you cut him off. It was an understatement, and not totally honest, but it was the best you could do without getting into the embarrassing particulars.

From the groomsmen’s side, Britney Spears followed ABBA, singing, “Oops, I did it again,” which seemed perversely apropos and just another reminder that you were a puppet of fate. Presently, you had to be paying for God knows what sin - probably calling Mike a buttface all those years before.

“Hey, I get it. I wasn’t trying to be clingy,” Jake went on.

“You’re not! You’re a good friend… Thank you.”

It pained you to say it, but you figured now was as good a time as any to face facts: you only had a few more days together, and you didn't want to spend them all wasting what you had, wishing it would turn into something else. Friendship with Jake was good enough. He was kind and loyal and honest; hell, anyone would be lucky to have him in their corner.

Maybe what you needed was a little gratitude. It was a wedding day, after all. Your friends and family would all be gathering in a few hours to celebrate Christian and Amanda and they had chosen you to be a special part of their most important day. How cool was that?

“Can we just not talk about Mia and Josh today?” you asked, hefting the garment back up your shoulder. “I want to focus on Amanda and make sure she has a nice time at her wedding - get drunk but not sloppily so, take a few pictures, dance a bit, not feel like everyone’s waiting for the Jerry Springer shoe to drop?”

“We can do that,” Jake replied.

“Okay. Thanks.”

“See you on the other side?”

“You bet.”

He went down the hall, turning right and bounding the carpeted stairs. You watched him go with a sigh, deciding that it was hard to be a grown-up and lovelorn at the same time. The two things were so incompatible - liking someone, loving them even, felt utterly undignified.

Nonetheless, you could breathe a lot easier after clearing the air. With the apology out of the way, you threw yourself into full bridesmaid mode, squeezing into the cramped bathroom with five other women in customized robes who were curling, straightening, powdering, talking, fighting for counter space, gasping at gossip, and being an overall flurry of chaos while the bride reigned over all, putting in comments through the haze of hair- and setting spray.

The air in the room was joyous, with a smattering of nervous energy mostly provided by Amanda.

Once dressed in your different styles of champagne satin, the bridesmaids focused on making sure Amanda was ready for her starring role. You took turns doing up the buttons on the back of her wedding gown, and when Dinah popped in to give her a pair of diamond earrings she wore to her own wedding, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. “Do not let my mascara run!” Amanda urged, prompting Carrie, the maid of honor, to jokingly rush forward with a folded-up Kleenex and dab at her eyes.

The groomsmen left for the wedding venue first, piling into a shuttle after yelling well-wishes through the door. Fifteen minutes later you followed suit, with Ali O’Rourke pouring canned cocktails into plastic cups and filming the journey at the same time as her phone blasted Taylor Swift (“But none of the breakup songs!”). In twenty minutes you were at the botanical garden, arranging the first look through a comical series of shouts and mimes partially obscured by a tall bush and caught on camera by the couple’s videographer. Once Christian had gotten the memo to stand there, at the edge of an ornamental pond but with his back to the azaleas, you pushed Amanda in his direction and waved her on, giving whistles and catcalls when he dipped her into a kiss that was very un-Christian-like and all the more romantic for that reason.

Once the wedding party photos were done, it was time to head inside and wait for the guests to arrive. You found that, like Amanda, you were feeling a little jittery now that patience was all that was required. From the double doors to the altar, it was a fairly long walk and you were worried that your heels would sink into the grass or that you would fall flat on your face. Luckily, you weren’t the only one with that fear. Amanda’s coworker, Lucy, who had never been a bridesmaid before, had a minor freakout, and talking her down helped you allay your own fears, as did the liquid courage courtesy of Ali’s dress having pockets.

(Amanda: “I don’t remember reading that on the website.”

Ali: “That’s because you didn’t. I had it tailored.”)

At last, the wedding coordinator called for everyone to take their places and Jake came towards you, looking smart in his tux. At the rehearsal dinner you’d heard Mike asking, “So, where’s the dress uniform?”, to which Jake replied, “And upstage you?” Well, uniform or not, you were sure he could upstage anyone. To you, he was the handsomest person in the room, and you were in danger of saying so until Jake beat you to the punch.

“Look at you, you clean up well!” he remarked.

“And you look terrible.”

“Now I know that’s a bald-faced lie.”

You laughed. Humble as always. You were glad to see that all the awkwardness between you had gone, in no small part because of the excitement over the ceremony. A sudden hush came over everyone as Harriet signaled for the doors to be opened. Jake held out his arm. “Shall we?” he said, echoing his words when he asked you to dance.

This time you were ready for it. No matter what, in this particular moment, you and Jake were allies - wedding buddies, he said - and instead of overthinking things or making a mountain out of a molehill, you were resolved to enjoy it.

You took his arm and faced forward. The first strains of music began. Showtime, Harriet mouthed, while at the altar Christian turned to meet his bride.

-

The ceremony was over in the blink of an eye, followed by a drinks reception and a sit-down dinner punctuated by toasts that ranged from the humorous to the downright sentimental. Now that Amanda had clipped up her train, she seemed more relaxed than she had been in the morning, and it made you feel like you could let down your hair, so to speak, and enjoy the party underneath the light-strewn tent.

The guests were eager to dance. Without letup they moved through classic wedding standards and modern dance hits to country reels and the obligatory playing of “Mr. Brightside,” a moment which Sandy and Clyde stole with their enthusiastic head-bops. You couldn't remember the last time you danced, or laughed, half as much, and even the appearance of Josh and Mia couldn’t steal your good mood. As long as they kept to their side of the tent, you could pretend they weren't there and if Mom or Julie sidled up with a comment in defense of your honor, it was easy to point a finger to your ear as if to say, “What? I can’t hear you, the music’s too loud!”

Jake kept close for the most of the night, leaning in close and making funny comments about the hidden goings-on - who was putting the moves on who, who was sneaking mini cupcakes into their purse, who got carted off to the indoor area after over-imbibing and nearly causing a minor dancefloor traffic incident.

Maybe it was all his Navy training, but for a guy’s guy Jake had an uncanny eye for gossip, and you said so, winning a laugh and another request for your oath of secrecy.

“I hate to tap out before Great-Aunt Sandy,” he said halfway through the Jailhouse Rock, “but do you want to take a breather? I feel like I’m getting a stitch in my side.”

“You? Sheesh, Hangman, you're really letting yourself go,” you chaffed. “What'll the higher-ups think when you get back to San Diego?”

“Well, if they really want to replace me, I’ll send them Aunt Sandy’s way.” He led you outside, where you promptly balanced one foot at a time trying to unclasp your heeled sandals while Jake watched, snorting before he took pity on you and let you lean on his arm.

His very muscled arm…

Inwardly, you sighed like one of the Bimbettes from Beauty and the Beast, but hey, you’d behaved yourself all day; you were allowed to have the occasional impure thought.

With a little sound of triumph, you managed to remove your shoes and held them by the straps, walking on the grass in your bare feet. You had a pair of flats in your purse, but that was somewhere inside and, anyway, the ground felt good against your tired arches. You’d been dancing for over two hours and needed the break.

“How do you even stand in those death traps?” Jake eyed your shoes as if they were hand grenades, which amused you to no end seeing as they’d cost you a small fortune precisely because they claimed to be comfortable.

“They’re not so bad,” you replied. “Besides, I wouldn’t need them if you weren’t so tall.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

You shrugged, keeping your face deliberately blank. “It’s a free country.”

“Wow…” Jake huffed through a laugh, “you are incapable of just being nice to me.”

“What, I am nice!”

“In a backhanded-compliment sort of way, sure.”

“What do you want me to say? ‘Jake, you’re the biggest 10 at the wedding’?”

“Oh, I don’t know, but we’re getting warmer,” he said with a toothy grin, entering a path bordered by low hedges leading to the pond where the first look had taken place.

The lights from the wedding reception lit the way, along with the small solar-powered fixtures planted in the ground, but for the most part the darkness was a respite from the sights and sounds of the packed tent. In a way, it made it easier to talk to Jake, ignoring your history, feeling like a girl who’d been asked on a walk by someone who wanted to spend more time with her.

You laughed, leaning into the role of interested flatterer. You were walking backwards, even daring to place your hand on the front of Jake’s shirt, trusting him to lead the way and keep you from tripping into a bush. “You’re an incredible dancer,” you put in, going full Bimbette. You might have batted your eyelashes, and your voice took on the dreamy girlishness of Marilyn Monroe, which only gave Jake the giggles as he tried to maintain his yes, I am all the things composure. “You look as good in a tux as you do in your Navy uniform.”

“Both true.”

“You’re funny and smart, and soooo interesting.”

“Don’t I know it.”

You gasped, stopping in your tracks to place your hands on his cheeks. Jake was smiling from ear to ear, struggling to keep his lips pressed together. “You’ve got a face like an Old Hollywood dreamboat.”

He nodded solemnly, the slight clearing of his throat the only indicator that he was on the verge of breaking character. “You’re not the first person to say that, actually.”

“Oh, really?”

“Mm, does that surprise you? Do you disagree?”

“Of course not, this is the Jake Seresin Appreciation Hour.” You draped your arms around his neck. Maybe it was the cocktails or the distant wedding music making you bold, but Jake didn't pull away and you were only pretending - at least, that was your justification when you felt the weight of his hands on your hips.

“Go on, then.”

“Your eyes are green.”

“Now you’re just stating facts.”

“Fine, but you’re being a very picky subject!”

“I’ll have you know,” he scoffed, “Jake Seresin Hour was not my idea. You don’t get to institute it and then complain when I point out your lazy reporting.”

Lazy reporting? You were ready to duke it out over that and he knew it, his eyes alight with the challenge, head cocked to see what you’d come up with next. Your back hit the trunk of a live oak and you felt the adrenaline in your veins mixing with the alcohol and a sheer attraction that wouldn't be kept at bay. You wondered briefly whether this was what flying was like - a full-bodied, present physicality, all instinct, every move stretched taut and your nerves like live wires.

Jake glanced at your mouth and it left you breathless. Little wonder, then, that the next words out of your mouth were half confession, half part of the game.

“There’s not a single person at this party who isn’t head-over-heels in love with you.”

“Not a single one?” Jake argued. “Not even the groom?”

“Not even the groom.”

“Well, obviously, we’re not including my relatives in that.”

“But everyone else…” you trailed off.

“Everyone else. Including you?”

“Especially me.”

It’s just a game, it’s just a game. The thought kept clashing in your head with the urge to say “kiss me” and he was standing so close, with his body half pressed against yours, solid and warm, realer than any lust-fueled fantasy you could’ve come up with in the dead of night, the party forgotten with him as your only view, and you kept thinking, Maybe he wants me to. Maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe I should do it - what would be the harm?

The answer to this final point was obvious, and yet he was hard to resist. His fingers brushed against your waist, the touch feather-light enough that it might have been in your imagination except for his forehead pressed down to yours, his heart beating steadily beneath your nervous hand.

Without debating it further you pulled him into a kiss, shutting your eyes against any possible consequences as you memorized the taste of his mouth, the weight of his hands sliding down your back, the heat of his breath. You pulled away, mortified by your lapse in judgment and the obvious proof of feelings which you now couldn't take back.

There was no undoing this, but still you tried.

“Oh, I’m sorry… I’m… I’m drunk… I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s fine.”

“No, I’m… I’m gonna go.” You slid past him, holding your breath, willing him not to follow after you or try to stop you from fleeing. Your body felt like it was short-circuiting, blazing with need and then doused in icy-cold regret and horror at your own actions.

So he had flirted with you. That didn't mean he wanted to kiss you; it certainly didn't signal any romantic interest that merited you throwing yourself at him and telling him, of all things, that you loved him!

You went back to the party, picking your purse up from behind your chair and forcing a smile when people stopped you to chat, making excuses and saying you had to go to the bathroom. Inside, you moved past the lobby and straight out to the drive, where the hired shuttle service was taking guests in no state to drive to and from a few local hotels.

The driver asked if you were ready to leave and you said yes, feeling mildly guilty for staging an Irish goodbye, but there was no way you could go on pretending for the rest of the night, let alone face Jake. You prayed that everyone would be too busy having fun to notice your absence, and if not you would apologize profusely tomorrow at brunch, claiming a headache or exhaustion or anything else that might obscure your bad decision-making and propensity to lose your shit around Jake.

You were let onto the bus, the sole passenger as the driver turned on the engine and radioed his boss to say he was en route to the B&B. Just as you were relaxing into your seat, Jake came bounding up the steps, giving the driver a cursory nod just before the doors closed behind him and the vehicle began to move.

“Can we talk?” he asked, sliding next to you and dropping his jacket in his lap.

“There are, like, fifty open seats.”

“But you’re sitting in this one,” he said with the ghost of a grin. You would've rolled your eyes if you weren’t busy wishing you could teleport to literally anywhere else.

You faced forward to the other cars on the road, watching their taillights shine as you moved into nighttime traffic. “Can you do me a favor? I know you’ve done a lot of them over the past couple of days, but can you just forget that ever happened?”

“No.”

Aghast, you turned your head to see Jake looking maddeningly smug, not to mention relaxed, while he was invading your personal space and driving you to the brink of mental collapse.

“Why not?” you demanded.

“Why not? Because I don’t want to.”

“And is what I want—”

“Completely irrelevant,” he finished for you. “Besides, you kissed me, remember?”

“I don’t. I’ve wiped it from my memory chip.”

With a smile, Jake leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your lips that was almost chaste, except for the brush of his tongue against your lip and his fingers cupping your chin in a hold that was teasing and gentle, and undeniably thought-out.

“How about that one?” he asked, pulling away just enough to view your reaction.

“How about what?”

He grinned. “Cabbage.”

“Ew! Why would you call me that right now?” you exclaimed, scooching back into the window.

“Because you’re adorable. Beautiful.”

“Like a leafy green?”

“Yeah, like a whole salad.”

You laughed. “That makes no sense.”

“It really doesn’t.” But it did. Like so many other inside jokes, you knew exactly what he meant to say. It made you feel all warm inside, especially because there was no trace of subterfuge in his handsome face, and you knew he’d never be cruel enough to lead you on. He followed you, he thought you were beautiful, and he was here trying to convince you not to take the kiss back.

To be bold. To follow through.

“If you want to keep being friends…” he began.

“You and Mike are just friends, Jake. I’m the kid sister with a massively pathetic crush on you.”

“Maybe I have a crush on you too,” he said, looking you straight in the eyes. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“A little… A lot, actually.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

In front of Pleasant View the driver pulled on the brakes, and Jake laced his fingers through yours as he dismounted and put a twenty in the tip jar, stopping in front of the entrance to face you with a question hanging, unspoken, in the air. If you let this opportunity pass you by, he would let you do it without a word, taking the gentleman’s way out and stopping his pursuit under the assumption that you had no interest in being with him, or in seeing where this new thing between you might go. But if you said yes…

The possibilities flashed through your mind, as frightening as they were wonderful. Everything might change. Everything would, there was no doubt about that. But change wasn’t always a bad thing, and if you had someone holding your hand along the way?

Wasn’t that what love was all about?

“You’re thinking very loudly,” Jake pointed out.

“Is that an issue?”

“Why, is it an issue for you?”

You shook your head, trying to contain the nervous joy in your chest. “Maybe you should take me flying sometime, teach me the ways of classic Hangman chill.”

“Just name the time and place,” he promised. “I’m ready when you are.”

Instead of second guessing, you took him at his word.

You reached up and kissed him fully on the mouth, sighing when he pressed you flush against his chest and carressed the nape of your neck. There was no predicting the future; that part would always be like navigating blind. But Jake was worth the risk. If nothing else, he was the sort of man who made you want to try, who took chances, and made you laugh through the terror of uncertainty.

In that moment, being lifted off the ground, physically swept off your feet by the man you’d loved since you’d first contemplated what love could be, you felt like the luckiest girl in the world. And the best part? From the look on Jake’s face, you knew the exact thought running through his head:

Babe, the luck is all mine.

Man, you loved weddings.

[agirlwithglam]

how to develop self love and confidence

— a step by step guide by yours truly ♥

disclaimer!! for some people it can take a lot longer to love themselves than others, so don't be discouraged if it takes a bit longer. just remember that no matter what you think, you ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

step 1: identifying the root cause

first you need to find WHY you dont love yourself. it usually comes down to these main reasons:

society

your looks

comparison

your abilities

childhood trauma

your current situations

it can be just one or more than one, and sometimes it may not be as simple as "my looks", sometimes you may have to dig deeper.

for me, it was because i thought i was "ugly"

step 2: once you know the WHY, research about the topic and try and solve it.

here ive broken down the 6 reasons to help you a bit: (but remember that this is just a small break down, if you want you can research more about the topic & try to battle it)

society: society has tricked us into believing that loving yourself is considered 'vain' or 'narcissistic'. let me tell you right now that THAT IS NOT TRUE. loving yourself is a basic necessity that everyone should have!!

your looks: this is something i struggled with for a loong time. remember that beauty is subjective!! bob could think that travis looks 'average' but Leo could think that travis looks absolutely gorgeous!! ☆ so how did i overcome this? i actually 'glowed up'. bc the main thing i didnt like was face- my teeth to be specific. so once i got braces, my teeth aligned and i started looking so much better. ☆ other struggles: ↴ for you if it may be acne, then you could start trying to take care of your skin better. or if its body image then if you reeeeally dont like it then literally just start working out. if you have the option to yet you still dont then dont complain. but remember that ALL BODIES ARE PERFECT. ★ another thing that helped me a lot was affirmations! i listened to a bunch of affirmations -> i used this video by thewizardliz and it did wonders! (you can also search up on yt self-love/ beauty affirmations)

comparison: for most people comparison comes from social media right? the simple solution to this would be unfollow accounts that dont serve you, or delete/ set a time limit on the social media platform "but what if i compare myself to people i meet in real life?" well we can't exactly unfollow or delete these people but what we can do is turn that jealousy (yes, jealousy) into inspiration! be inspired by the people with greater lives and use that to pull yourself forward! ☆ a quote that i read once (that may or may not help you) : "do not compare your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 50." you never know what the other person has gone through or is going through that got them to this point!

your abilities: okay theres not much i can say here except that you can learn almost everything online nowadays. stop complaining and get off your lazy butt to prove to yourself just how much potential you have! (but don't beat yourself up for being a lazy butt, im one as well) here is a link to a TON of stuff you can learn online!

childhood trauma: this is a bit of a more delicate subject which i do not know a lot on, my best suggestion would be to just go to therapy (or use an online therapy app- betterhelp). - watching thewizardliz may help as well as she might know more about the topic.

your current situation: whether its trouble with friends, at school, at work, or with family i promise you that these things do not last forever. humans were not put on earth to be unhappy and miserable! (whats the point in that?) my advice is to learn more about the topic (for ex i was struggling with being left out w friends for a while and it did hurt a bit) and see what you can do to fix it or at least make the best out of it. + another reminder that you can use the law of assumption- in basic words the law states that whatever you desire, you have. all you need to do is accept that. heres a quote i read: "if you dont like where you are,, then move. you aint a tree." this is literally YOUR life. RESPECT yourself and dont let people treat you bad because that is disrespecting yourself!

step 3: focus on yourself!!

my favourite step!!

this is your sign to stop focussing on others' lives and start focussing on your own.

when you start to focus on yourself, up level yourself and try to become your best version of yourself, you actually end up falling in love with that version of yourself, and your current version!

ask yourself: is there even something to love?

ask yourself: would you want to date or be friends with someone like you? think actually deep about this; if your answer is no, then that obviously means that there is some work to do.

if you're constantly negative and complaining and rude all the time, trust me, literally no ones gonna want to hang out with you. and then you'll adopt that 'victim mindset' of "nobody likes me and i suck". instead of doing that, why dont you try to just suck a bit less? there isn't any pressure on you to become amazing the next day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

small things/habits to start:

gratitude

hydration

exercising

journalling

meditation

eating healthy

developing a skill

get enough sleep

take cold showers

taking care of your skin

invest in your appearance

focussing on school/ your grades

go outside! go for walks, be in nature!

changing what you consume (resources below)

some resources that helped me SO MUCH:

♡ thewizardliz

♡ tam kaur

♡ persephone's mind

and meditation! its so extremely underated but SO VALUABLE.

xoxo, vanilla

[agendabymooner]

thick and thin ! lewis h. x ofc (hearth sister!ofc)

“i could see my whole life with you, baby, now you got me thinking that i’m crazy.”

summary: glimpses of the relationship between a certain mercedes driver and stevie hearth. OR stevie marlene ford found herself nearly giving up on the love that she had for lewis, and lewis wasn’t going to easily let go of her.

content warning: yearning/childhood crush, age-gap (eight years), written AND social media parts, use of explicit language, kind of an asshole!Lewis but not really, mentions of ofc x zayn malik (based on face claim’s relationship but nothing personal), mentions of father figure issues.

notes: i am trying thy best. sorry guys :))

masterlist

2017

“Here,” Stevie reached for the water bottle that Lewis had given her, offering him a thanks as he nodded and sat next to her. 

August was quite a long month for everyone, to say the least. They have two weeks off before the next race and to say that Stevie was quite happy would be an understatement; she was more than fucking delighted. 

At least no one would bother her with the recently published report about the end of her relationship with a certain boy band member. She really hadn’t wanted that kind of attention right now— especially since her driver’s fighting to become a World Champion. The last thing that she wanted in case she’s put into a spotlight was to be questioned about her ex-boyfriend rather than the status of her team at the driver’s championship and constructor’s championship. 

So hiding away right now seemed easier. Between the races and her photoshoots, this was the kind of peace she wanted. No one’s asking anything, allowing her to do her work behind and in front of the cameras. 

Lewis had other plans though. Stevie hated that he could simply ask a question and she’d come screaming the answer. 

“How are you feeling now?” He asked genuinely. She hated him for being so… considerate and oblivious. 

“What I had with Zayn was good,” she murmured as she continued to type in her feedback to send to Sebastian’s PR manager. “It was nice while it lasted.”

“Two years,” Lewis reminded her. “You’ve been with him for two years and all you’re saying is that it was nice while it lasted?” 

“Yeah well,” she pursed her lips, “not everything could last longer than that, you know?” 

Lewis hummed, not knowing how to continue this conversation. Still, he was persistent— wanting to talk to his best friend’s sister as he said, “You two made a good pair.” 

She rolled her eyes, masking it as something playful as she quipped, “I’ll consider that thought when I ask for it.” 

She always wondered how a long term relationship could be considered a rebound. She had always lasted a year or two with her exes, but she remained guilty for stringing them along despite showing the affections and admiration that they deserved. 

She only felt guilty because while she had given them everything they wanted, she couldn’t afford to get what she wanted. Lewis. After all, he was the reason why relationships started and ended for her. Not that he would ever know that— that’s what Stevie told herself. 

2018

“Holy shit, girl,” Lewis’ mouth gaped open and wolf-whistled at the sight of her. She only giggled quietly as he stood straight, his eyes scanning her facial features before glancing down on her outfit. Clearly he liked her… but maybe that was nothing but a lie. Still, Stevie ate his attention like a starving dog. 

He still couldn’t believe that this was the same girl who practically followed him around the Mercedes area back when she didn’t work for her own team. It felt so wrong to look at her like this, but it’s something that he couldn’t help. He had known about her little crush and all he wanted was to pursue whatever this was. It was so wrong.

It’s not as if he’s planning to pursue her. His affection for her, however, was mistaken for love. Stevie hated it. 

The drive to the Tommy Hilfiger campaign afterparty was not as eventful as the confrontation between Stevie and Lewis. If they were as young as they were back then, one would assume that it was just a petty feud between two young people. This argument felt more… personal and hurtful.

“Steve, come on! Talk to me!” Lewis felt her yank her wrist away from his grip, turning her back to him as she attempted to walk away. “How are you even going back?! It’s not safe out there!” 

“I’m not a fucking child, Lew! I’ll be fine,” Stevie spewed out venomously, “just like I was whenever I had to pick you up after ringing me with another woman’s scent all over you. Just like I am whenever I pick up your calls after your girlfriends broke up with you. I’ll be alright— I broke up with men without having to reach out to you— I don’t need you to worry about me.” 

“You’re just being petty,” Lewis told her firmly, “I’m driving you home.”

“Give up, already! Jesus Christ!” Stevie cursed out, stomping her foot down. “Just because your guilt is washing over your whole soul right now it doesn’t mean that dropping me off would simply make things right. You never should’ve taken me here as your date Lewis. You should’ve just considered me a coworker— not someone who you’ll let go of the moment you make it inside the club. This isn’t fair for me!” 

“Why can’t you be upfront about it then?” Lewis challenged her. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner about how you feel, hm? We could have been together but instead you’re parading your boyfriends around me like I should’ve done something more.” 

“Because you kept telling me that I’m a child, Lew,” she sniffled. “I’m not. I’m old enough. I’m old enough to know that I deserve better than to have my opinions and feelings be overseen as something childish. I don’t care if it’s anyone or you— I’m a fully grown woman, Lewis. I’m not going to let your mindset dictate who I’ll be for you or for anyone. If you’re not going to see me as someone who loves you, then you ought to let go.

“Because I’m ready to go, Lewis,” she hid away the tears that threatened to fall. She refused to lose the little dignity she had left, too. “You only see me as an adult when you find it convenient. I can’t be bothered with your shitty objections anymore. Aren’t you the childish one for not looking at me in a different way?” 

2018

tagged steviemarlz, aimeeyh, lewishamilton, sylvieeford, max33verstappen

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc, landonorris

comments have been limited

steviemarlz anything for my mini toto 😍

aimeeyh toto jr. is so biiiig now 😭

sylvieeford the trip to the hundred acre wood was wild last friday huh

lewishamilton happy to spoil my ren-man 😘😍

tillywolff next thing you know he’d be as grumpy as toto when he doesn’t get what he wants 😂

lewishamilton ren had been a saint so far 😂😂

“Can I?” Soren Wolff’s second birthday party was anything but simple, and as the godmother Stevie Marlene made sure that it could be as extravagant as it was intimate. She made everyone aware that the day was special for the boy who loved his Winnie the Pooh characters. 

As if she hadn’t hired a coordinator for the occasion, she helped them set up the Hundred Acre Wood at her childhood home in Brackley by setting up the Heffalump Trap (which is really just a bouncy house with inflated obstacles) and placing the mini Heffalumps by the area.

Lewis Hamilton had a different plan as the godfather, though. Now he was offering some support just in case Stevie needed it. Well… that and he did not exactly want to go through his godson’s birthday party ignored by his partner in crime. They were both Soren’s godparents— the least that they could do was cooperate and get their shit together. 

And so, Stevie sighed exasperatedly and passed him the garland of mini heffalumps. She merely offered him a grateful smile before turning away to see if her box of decorations was empty. 

“You can’t keep avoiding me, you know?” He spoke up, making her glance back at him before he continued, “I can’t hold off our relationship if I want to talk to you.” 

“I can,” Stevie huffed out quietly. “And I will.”

“Steve,” Lewis sighed, leaning his head against the soft surface of the bouncy castle before looking back at her. His dark eyes found her brighter ones staring back. “I should have admitted that it was wrong of me to string you along.”

“You should have,” she nodded in agreement, not wanting to appease him or his ego. 

“I was scared because they’ll think I’m controlling you,” Lewis admitted. “Truthfully, I still am. I know that you’ve grown and I want to be the right decision you would make.” 

“Would you like me to say it aloud?” She glowered, annoyed at his irrational fear. “I, Stevie Marlene Ford, at the age of 25, believe that Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton is the best decision I could have made. I believe that he needs to stop using my age as a weapon to justify his decision to see me as a child and not someone that he could love—“ 

“Can I take you out for dinner?”

“What?” Stevie paused at her rambling. 

“You said that you don’t want me to see you as a child,” Lewis said confidently, “would it be such a shame if I stopped seeing you as such the moment you became Ferrari’s acting Liaison?” 

“No,” she shook her head, “but you could have done so much about it. I became the Liaison last year.” 

“Well then, let me make it up to you,” he proposed. “One dinner. Should you decide that I’m still worth your time, then I’ll make sure to take you to more places.” 

FEBRUARY 14, 2023

“Psst, Stevie.” 

“Lewis?!” 

“Yes. It’s me.” 

“What the hell are you doing out there? Do you want Toto to kill you? Right before our wedding, even?” 

“No but I want to talk.” 

“You can’t see me right now, Lew!” 

“I know, but no one’s here but us. Do you think you can just listen from there?” 

“Fine. But you’ll be back to your own suite after, yes?” 

“Yes I will. Anyway, I want to tell you that I love you. Not once did I regret asking you to go out for dinner with me after Soren’s second birthday.” 

“You’ve told me. Once or five times. Some of which were when you were piss drunk.” 

“I wish I had seen your love sooner,” Lewis sighed, his braided hair leaning against the mahogany door as he continued, “We would’ve been married a year ago.” 

“Well you’re here now, aren’t you?” Stevie chuckled.

“Lucky me,” he murmured. “I can’t wait to marry you… in about two hours. This is the longest time I’ve ever experienced.” 

“You’ve got two hours, Hamilton,” she teased. “Still enough time to think things through.”

“With you? Never,” he scoffed out. “I don’t think I’d appreciate it if you and Sylvie would kill me. Besides, if anything, you’ve got two hours to decide if you’d marry my dumb ass.” 

“And miss out on changing my surname to yours? No thanks,” Stevie snorted.

“I’ve always known you’re only after my surname,” Lewis joked. 

“Yeah, my daddy issues won in the end,” they both shared a laugh despite it being quiet, not being able to hear much due to the closed door that separated them. 

The laughter turned into silence. 

“Can’t wait to see you, Sir Hamilton,” Stevie voiced out her thoughts. 

“And I can’t wait to cry after seeing you in your dress,” Lewis told her. “I honestly think you’d one-up Tia.” 

“No way,” Stevie laughed. “Tia’s our best girl. She’ll always be prettier than us.”

“Well… I should leave you for now,” Stevie could hear him standing before hearing a thud against the door. His forehead rested against the mahogany wood. “I’ll see you soon, Mrs. Hamilton.” 

“Through thick and thin?” 

“Through thick and thin.”

“Good.”

tagged steviemarlz

comments have been disabled

[fangirling-heart]

It's a first for me and quite honestly I am pretty nervous but...

I'm making a post about my OCs!!!

Yay!!! 🎉

And since I can't draw to save my life, I used this picrew to present them, one of them you might recognize since I have introduced him in a tag game. Anyway here they are:

Starting with the familiar one, the 17 year old Achilles. He's the protagonist of an original story I'm working on and simply put, he's not okay. He lives with an emotionally and physically abusive father and a neglectful mother who cares more about her husband and their image than her son, and they both put a lot of pressure on him to be perfect in every way and also make sure he doesn't ruin the family's image in any way (a big part of which is hiding the signs of his father's abuse). In terms of a support system, he doesn't really have one since breaking up with his girlfriend, Ange, who also happens to be/have been his best friend, and his one other friend is...not that great. His only solace comes from reading and photography (and poetry but he would never admit it), but when even that isn't enough, his mind ends up in a really dark place and he tries something drastic. But thanks to a certain someone's intervention, he doesn't go through with it and as much as he (claims he) doesn't want to, he has to learn how to live again... in more ways than one.

Birthday: March 5

Sign: Pisces

Sexuality: Biromantic asexual

Likes: Photography, poetry, reading, watching and commenting movies, playing video games, rain, junk food, heights, dancing, history, mystery novels, Linkin Park (Ange constantly teases him for it), comics, rom-coms (when they aren't too cliché), motorcycles

Dislikes: His parents (his father especially), school, most sports, heat, having his privacy violated, being made fun of for his interests, big crowds, expectations, loneliness

The special someone I mentioned before. This is Ephraim, the reason Achilles stays alive and the one person he cannot shut out (both much to his dismay). The reason for that and the reason he appears wearing the same clothes as Achilles is because, after the event that saved the latter's life, the two of them end up sharing a body. Simply put, Ephraim is a ghost that possesses him. He can get control of his body and speak in his thoughts, but his actual appearance is visible only in reflective surfaces and luckily for them both not all the time, just when Ephraim chooses to surface. He possesses Achilles, thinking the two would be able to trade places, but instead he basically just hitches a ride in his body and his life. As for the reason he wished to possess him in the first place, he did it because he wants a chance to live again but most of all to find out what happened to his boyfriend, Mario, from whom he got violently separated before he died. And while he sees Achilles as a means to his ends at first, the two form a genuine bond over time.

Birthday: August 1

Sign: Leo

Sexuality: Gay

Likes: Nature, sunny days, ice cream, driving, fire, rain, shadow puppetry, learning new things, music, dogs, hugs, Achilles' poetry and photos, messing with asshole authority figures, spicy food

Dislikes: Being confined, being bossed around, talking about his death, homophobes and assholes in general, people making fun of Achilles, having to wait, ghost stories (he finds the way ghosts are portrayed offensive and unimaginative), feeling helpless, cold

And last one (for now). Ange (short for Angelica) is Achilles' ex girlfriend and best friend since childhood. Growing up the two were always together (the fact that they lived in the same building and shared a love for cinema and cameras helped with that) and long before they got together it was clear to everyone there were sparks flying between them. They were a classic childhood friends to lovers story, but after 2 years of dating, when Ange realized they both wanted and needed very different things from a relationship, as much as it hurt them both, she broke up with Achilles and the two haven't really spoken since, due to it being too awkward and painful. Though her homelife isn't as bad as Achilles' and she has other friends besides him, since the two broke up she has also been feeling very lonely and missing him, but doesn't dare to approach him, because she hates herself for hurting him and thinks he hates her too. It isn't until Ephraim comes along that they start kinda talking again (due to him pretty much forcing Achilles to talk to her).

Birthday: March 22

Sign: Aries

Sexuality: Straight or bisexual, I'm still figuring this out

Likes: Watching and commenting on movies, photography, making videos, directing, cinematography, animation, cake, dark humor, amusement parks, sunsets, puzzles, baggy clothes, late night walks, strawberries

Dislikes: Fake people, being underestimated, being judged, loneliness, people making fun of her work, makeup, gossip, visiting her grandparents, puppets

[whatdudtheysay]

Roderick heffley x F!Reader

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

CW - quickie, rough sex, basically vanilla ig???

Tell me if I missed anythingg

⎯⎯ ୨ ୧ ⎯⎯

"SHIT!" Roderick cursed loudly, his hands slamming against the metal door, making you flinch.

"Fuck." He murmured, realising there was no way out.

You were both crowded in an old art closet that had little to no space due to the hills of art supplies and forgotten canvases.

You sighed and rolled your eyes.

"If you knew you weren't strong enough to hold it you should've let me do it."

He chuckled deeply.

"You? You're half my size kid." He teased, leaning against it.

"I'm not a kid." You spat, glaring at him from under your lashes.

He just scoffed and his grin turned into a blank stare.

You sighed deeply, turning to the small window at the end of the closet. Just great. You were stuck with your ex childhood best friend in a stuffy closet.

You manoeuvred your way to the end of the closet, peeking out of the window. How long would it be till someone found you? If the teacher notices you're both gone for such a long time then they'll probably think you're both skipping class. Even if they tried to find you, this would be the last place they'd check.

You silently hoped you'd be found soon, moving into your tippy toes to see if you could see anything or anyone out of the dust covered window.

Roderick slumped down, sitting on the floor. He glanced over at you and then at the floor, stopping when he realized. He glanced up at you and that's when he saw your skirt raising, giving him the view of your laced black underwear.

He smirked to himself, watching as you tried going higher.

"Maybe we can get this open and scream for help-?" You brought up, glancing behind you.

You had caught him red handed, blood rushing North once you dropped to normal height.

"How much of a pervert can you be?" You murmured, pulling your skirt down.

He shrugged, getting up and walking towards you.

"Wanna find out?"

You rolled your eyes.

"As if I'd ever give you a chance." You dismissed, turning back around to look out the window, being cautious of your skirt.

"Careful princess. You don't want me to give you a reason to roll your eyes."

You blushed, feeling your stomach flip.

He's just bluffing.

You ignored him and stayed silent.

He moved closer.

"You don't wanna have fun y/n?" Roderick hummed beside your ear.

You bit the inside of your lip, trying to block out his voice.

You took in a small breath once you felt his hand snake around your waist, pulling you closer to him, your ass meeting his crotch.

You were about to say something but you froze at the sound of the door handle. You pushed Roderick away immediately, making him stumble on some paint buckets. The door finally opened, revealing a girl from your class.

"There you two are! Jeez, did you get locked in?"

You nodded quickly.

"Thank you so much. We were worried we wouldn't be able to get out." You thanked, walking out of the open door, Roderick slowly following behind you.

"No worries, let's get back."

Class ended and everyone began to leave. You were sorting your things in your bag whilst everyone left the room, the ambience slowly dying down.

Your teacher got up from her desk, grabbing her things too.

"You two have a good weekend." She hurriedly said, running out of the class.

You were about to shout a reply but realised what she had said. You looked behind you and saw Roderick, putting homework into his backpack.

You turned back quickly, remembering the events that happened in the art closet.

You shook your head lightly.

Forget forget forgett

You quickly, shoved more things into your bag and pencil case. You were almost done, but unluckily, one of your erasers rolled off the table, right near Roderick's desk.

Kill me now.

After taking in a few reassuring breaths, you walked over and bent down to pick it up. When you stood back up, you were face to face with him.

You tried walking back but Roderick grabbed your arm, pushing you against his desk.

His eyes dug through you, a light smirk fighting it's way onto his lips.

"Why are you running?"

You put on your best poker face.

"I was walking."

He clicked his tongue and pressed his hips against yours.

"Wanna continue where we left off?" He offered.

You scoffed, avoiding his gaze.

"Even if we did, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even get to finish so what's the point?"

Once you looked back at him you saw he had a dark glint in his eyes.

"Well, I'll take you up on that."

He grabbed you by the hips, pushing you onto the desk and spreading your legs. Your breath hitched once he pushed your skirt up.

Roderick's eyes lit up at the sight of seeing your panties again, a hungry glow in his eyes.

He kneeled in front of you, pulling you to the edge before tugging the lacy material off, letting it dangle on one of your ankles.

He wasted no more time, licking a flat strip up your slit, making you shiver. He moved back up, sucking against your clit whilst his hand crawled up your thigh, pushing his fingers against your entrance.

It didn't take much before you were a whimpering and moaning mess under his touch. He was definitely skilled. Skilled enough to fog your mind and make you forget where you two actually were.

He laid a kiss against your clit, looking up at you whilst his fingers continued scissoring into your heat.

"Haven't even given you the real thing and I can tell you're close to cumming." He taunted, returning his mouth to your clit.

"N-Fuckk no-" you sighed, pleasure wavering over you, sweat coating your body. "Doesn't feel good-"

You tried your best to hold back but how could you when he was going down on you so well?

He picked up the pace once he felt your needy pussy sucking on his fingers. Despite what you said, he knew you were on the edge of cumming any moment. your body was shivering with every lick he directed to your clit, his fingers adding to the pressure building rapidly in your stomach.

You almost lost your mind once he added a third finger, matching his deep and fast pace.

"Cmon, y/n. I know you wanna cum." Roderick breathed, his breath tickling your hard bud.

You shook your head, still in denial of it all. There's no way he of all people was about to bring you to your climax.

Roderick sighed against you. He knew you were stubborn, but this stubborn? He added a fourth finger and your nails began to scrape at the table, your back arching as his fingers pushed against your sweet spot.

You desperately tried focusing on something else. Anything else. But it was no use. You were barely holding on anymore.

As a last attempt, you tried pushing yourself away but Roderick strengthened his grip on your hips, tugging you closer and sucking on your clit.

You moaned a lot louder than you had hoped, your orgasm suddenly hitting you, your eyes glossing with tears as one hand went to tug at Roderick's hair, giving in and finally grinding against his face to help you through your orgasm.

Once you calmed down, your grip on Roderick's hair loosened, using the rest of your strength to hold yourself up on the desk.

Roderick stood, his face glistening in your arousal. He licked his fingers clean then his lips, humming in delight.

"What were you saying about you not finishing?"

You took deep breaths, your heart beating rapidly and you looked up at him.

"That was nothing." You weakly mumbled.

He raised a brow.

"Really?" Roderick asked, moving towards you to rub a few tears that had fallen. "Then why are you crying, hm? Haven't even given you the real thing and you're already sulking."

You fought the urge to rest against his warm hand, letting your pride take charge and instead looking away.

"Just get this over with."

You could feel him smirking.

"Since you asked so nicely."

You glanced back once you heard him unzipping his pants, watching as he tugged them down, revealing his hard length.

Your mouth watered at it, whimpering at the way he slid his tip over your slit. It was long and curved and surprisingly he was well trimmed. You could only imagine all the different ways he could reach deeply inside you .

"Think you can handle it?"

You looked up at him and then at his dick.

"That's-" you stammered, clearing your throat. "Of course I can."

He shrugged and wasted no time, pushing deeply inside you. Your eyes clamped shut, biting back several moans once he bottomed out. His tip resting snugly against your deepest parts.

"Fuck- you're clamping round me hard." He groaned, digging his hands into your hips.

He slowly pulled out before penetrating you even harder, his pace becoming harder.

"Shit!" You moaned, "Please- fuck, slow down-" you cried. You hadn't been able to adjust to his size as much as you wanted.

"Sorry, but there isn't as much time as I want." He grunted, wrapping your legs around his waist before going even deeper, making you scared of him bruising your cervix.

"Fuck, Roderick! You moaned louder, your pride basically being fucked out of you, submission taking place.

Your hands gripped the edge of the table, trying to get yourself together as he pounded into you, a sticky slapping sound filling your ears.

"Feels good, huh?" Roderick questioned, smirking when you quickly nodded.

"Fuckk, I'm close!!" You whined, hands moving to try to stop his hips from practically murdering your pussy.

"That's right, y/n." Roderick sighed, grabbing your hands and pushing them to your chest.

You found yourself trying to wriggle away but it was hopeless. He felt so good. Too good. Your hands raised to wrap around his neck.

"I'm gonna-" you whimpered, brows knitting together as your orgasm rushed up to you.

Roderick fingers crept between your thighs, rubbing your clit rapidly.

Your eyes rolled back as your second orgasm washed over you, making you scream in pleasure, legs locking around his hips.

"Shit, " Roderick cursed. "Gonna cum y/n."

You nodded, the overstimulation settling in.

"It's fine, I'm on the pill ."

Roderick sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, chasing his upcoming orgasm. He finally poured his cum into you, giving you a few finishing thrusts before pulling out, his aftermath pouring out, making a mess on the floor.

You both took deep breaths, Roderick helping you off the desk before pulling his pants back up. He walked to the teachers desk, grabbing a box of tissues aiding you in cleaning up the mess he left inside you and on the floor.

When the mess was cleaned, you sorted your clothes out, trying to walk despite the pain between your legs.

"So..." Roderick started, grabbing his bag. "What was that about you saying you wouldn't finish?"

You gave him a warning look before walking over to your desk, grabbing your bag.

"Want a lift? You can barely walk."

Your first choice would be to decline his offer and storm off but right now, you knew it'd take an extra 15 minutes to get home.

"Fine. Just don't try anything funny."

[mystic-headcanons]

jaehee x fem reader sleepover turned romantic?

accidentally took a mini hiatus my b

hope you enjoy <3

"i can't believe you've never done this." you offhandedly commented, holding jaehee's fingers as you brushed the light yellow over her nails. "i didn't...really have many friends when i was a child. or ever. i just focused on school and then after that, my job." her voice was hushed as she spoke, not wanting to break the soft, content atmosphere surrounding you two. you were quiet for a moment as you continued to paint her nails. "that sounds pretty lonely." you finally spoke, glancing up to briefly meet her eyes. "it was, sometimes. i think i just got used to feeling alone." a pang went through you as you imagined jaehee, who was always so soft and kind, not having anyone throughout her childhood and adulthood. "well then," you began, breaking the melancholy mood that began to settle over you and jaehee, "it's a good thing i'm here with you now." she looked at you with an emotion you couldn't place. "it is." she smiled, and it felt like the sun.

"i am never letting you bake for our store." jaehee commented, barely holding back a laugh as you panicked after pouring too much salt in the cookie batter. after her nails were dry, you dragged her into the kitchen because, "i know it's not halloween anymore, but i found a recipe for pumpkin cookies and i have all the scream movies. i figured we could watch them after we bake the cookies?" (you were still a little shocked she agreed to the horror movies-- jaehee wasn't someone who was easily scared, but she did have a distaste for horror. "too unrealistic." she'd said once with a shake of her head.) "i'm a good baker!...most of the time." you added that last part on as an afterthought, before handing your phone to jaehee's outstretched hand so she could see the recipe. "i think i can fix these." jaehee hummed, and you took a step back after she handed your phone back to you. watching her as she baked became your favorite way to pass time; there was something about how relaxed she always looked, about how her shoulders lost their tension and she was able to slow down and breathe. without thinking, you lifted your phone and snapped a quick photo of jaehee. your heart skipped a few beats as you looked at it, but you quickly put your phone away and ignored the feeling.

your growing crush on jaehee was no surprise to anyone who knew the two of you. you were always looking at her-- something saeyoung likes to tease you over when he sneaks random photos. (which was something he did for everyone in the rfa; saeyoung had a habit of taking 'blackmail' photos. he never used them for anything more than lighthearted teasing.) you couldn't help it, she was just so...soft. soft smiles and soft laughter, and when you had all of her attention, it felt electrifying. she was everything to you, but you weren't even sure if she liked girls. romance was a topic the two of you seldom talked about, save for the passing mention of an ex. you forced yourself to be at peace with the fact that she'd only ever see you as a best friend and nothing more.

eventually, the cookies were done; you were certain jaehee was magic because how she managed to save your mess of an attempt was beyond you. the two of you settled on your sofa with the cookies and coffee that jaehee had brewed, and you pressed play on the first movie. another reason for choosing a horror movie was for the opportunity to be close to her. you weren't really scared at them-- and especially not cheesy nineties horror. however, if you acted scared, then you'd have an excuse to be held by jaehee. the first time you jumped, jaehee only looked at you and reached out to put a hand on your shoulder. the second time, you grabbed her arm, and she thought for a moment before looking at you. "do you...are you scared?" she asked, glancing between the movie and you. you nodded and looked at her arm that you were still holding onto. "sorry." you quietly said, dropping it. she only chuckled and reached out to pull you into her side, wrapping her arm around your shoulders. "is this okay?" she whispered after a moment, and you nodded, content.

(you didn't notice the knowing look on her face, or the way she smiled to herself when you didn't jump anymore.)

after the movie was finished, jaehee reached forward and grabbed the remote, pausing the start of the next one. "i've seen saeyoung jump out at you when you're not expecting it-- and literally grab you, and that doesn't scare you." she said, turning to look at you. "but some cheap scares in a cheesy horror movie does?" "it looked real?" you tried, your voice lifting towards the end like you were asking a question. at her deadpan expression, you sighed. "no, it doesn't." you said as you looked down. "i wasn't scared, i just......wanted you to hold me." your voice became a mumble at the last part as a blush spread across your face. "why not just say that? you could've just asked me." jaehee pointed out, and you shook your head. it took a moment for you to find your voice-- your heart was climbing up your throat, and you were certain jaehee could hear the way it pounded.

your mouth opened and closed a few times before you finally groaned and put your head in your hands. "because i didn't want to, like, be obvious about my feelings for you." you confessed, and jaehee was silent for a moment. you were scared she'd leave, but a few moments later you felt her hands circle around your wrists and gently tug them away from your face. "you like me?" she quietly asked, a smile slowly starting to form on her face. you could only nod, and a moment later she tugged you forward and pressed her lips to yours in a gentle kiss. it was short and sweet, and when she pulled back you couldn't help but lean forward to follow her. "i do hope that was okay." jaehee whispered, dropping your wrists in favor of cupping your cheek. "i've wanted to do that for...a very long time." she breathed out. your eyes fluttered open and you looked at her in awe. "why didn't you tell me?" you asked, leaning into her hand. "i've been shakespeare-level pining over you almost since we met. been writing sad little dramatic sonnets and everything." jaehee let out a quiet laugh at that and shrugged. "same reason as you, i suppose. didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"you wouldn't have ruined anything." you softly said, reaching up to gently hold onto jaehee's wrist. "i want you in any way you'll have me." jaehee only smiled at that and pulled you in for another kiss.

neither of you wanted to finish the movies after that.

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

i've said before that it is completely out of line to look at a person recounting painful memories of childhood abuse and then bring up their past mistakes and i'm standing by that. i know some of you are going to jump on me for saying "mistakes" but this isn't me trivializing. this is me looking at things in context.

i haven't seen these supposed sources where they say drake bell's victim admitted to lying. i looked at news sources from the time and looked at statements given and haven't seen it anywhere in there that she admitted to lying, which i would assume would be front page news. if anyone wants to direct me to something verifiable that isn't part of a tiktok conspiracy, i would be interested. i have seen that bell wasn't convicted of actually touching the girl and they found no evidence of pictures ever being sent. the internet keeps vaguely saying the girl stalked him before and lied about her age and i don't know how true that is. it's always reprehensible to groom children and there isn't a justification for that. a few years ago i might agree with commentators saying "you don't just not know that someone is 12" but i worked at space camp for the past few years and there were a few times where i was looking for my assigned group and was told that the group that i'd assumed were 17 and 18 year olds (because they were taller than me and more muscular or filled out) were actually 12 and were actually my assigned group. idk what they're putting in the water but i assume it's these damn tiktok beauty standards. and i often have the opposite problem - when i was 16, people would assume i was 13. now that i'm 29, people assume i'm 19-14. i have a friend in her mid20s who is constantly mistaken for a 10 year old boy. it is fucking hard to tell how old someone is and if it's true that she was in his shows which were meant to be 18+ he'd have no reason to know her age. i've seen commentators state he immediately broke off contact when learning about her age.

i want to give benefit of the doubt in this case. i want to believe that the apology given was with complete accountability and remorse. imagining being in his position and realizing he may have contributed to an unsafe situation on par with one he himself experienced may have been a huge wake up call for him. i want to remind everyone though that we are not called on to forgive drake bell. we're not the wronged party in the case. the only one who can give forgiveness is the victim and victims do not owe that.

and with that i feel i should say that i can unfortunately believe that the domestic violence accusations may be true. the timeline seems to match up with the years immediately following what happened with him, the years he'd be more likely to flounder and struggle with the secret he was keeping. who knows what unprocessed trauma he was living with? it doesn't make it okay by any means (and again we are not the ones tasked with "forgiving" him and victims don't even owe that) but it makes a certain sense in context. i do think drake bell needs to come forward and tell people to stop attacking his ex on social media because come the fuck on. just because someone went through something horrific doesn't mean they can't do fucked up shit. i know i've done fucked up shit and i've worked through it as best i can. internet harassment and hate campaigns are not the way, but we didn't learn that lesson with amber heard (who i 100% believe sorry not sorry).

i think we need to move on from this mentality of holding people (particularly child stars) up on pedestals then dragging them down when they do fucked up shit. i have to believe people can change and grow. i'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt so long as a pattern doesn't emerge. we need to move on from thinking that there is a "perfect" victim or that if someone has transgressed in later life that means their victimhood doesn't matter. we can mourn the child that drake bell was. we can mourn the child that amanda bynes was. we can mourn the person that all these people could be if they weren't swallowed by this cesspit. that is a separate conversation from talking about the ways they fucked up after coming out of that environment irreparably damaged.

leave behind the mentality that to show compassion for another human being is the same as "forgiving" them. and move on from the mentality that you personally are the one wronged when these people's lives have nothing to do with you.

[dreamin-gacha]

Xkour Skylines

Another part of Xkour. They look over the game. The guardians have a different aesthetic unique to each of them. Something is going on though. Ren is in an outfit with a gymnast like aesthetic with a cool jacket.

Frosty (4 Star/Water Unit)

-A performer with a circus like/ringmaster aesthetic. She's very enthusiastic but also a trickster.

-Her mini game consis of putting on a play with the little snow animals she has. Each level is 1 Act.

-The animals for some reason turn on Ren. Frost keeps apologizing.

-Ren is fine with it cause animals.

-“I’m ever so sorry my dear outsider, my little snow stars never would intentionally hurt anyone! They never have!”

-"It's fine, they're cute..."

-22

Inferno (4 Star/Fire Unit)

-A hyped up man but he seems upset for some reason but hides it. He has a kidcore with oversized clothes look.

-His mini game is a bunch of childhood playground games but they turn bad. (The floor is lava but the floor keeps breaking, hide and seek but with murder).

-He profusely apologizes and even cries at the end, Ellie calms his down.

-Ren pats him on the back, telling him it'll be alright.

-“I’m sorry! My games are suppose to be fun…not…not this…”

-“It’s okay, I’m having fun. Everything will be okay…”

-"No it won't. He's gone. I'll never see him again..."

-"Who?"

-21

Gwen (5 Star/Wind Unit)

-She's very strict and blunt. However she instantly notices Inferno is sad and tells him to go back to his home for the day.

-She has a Gardner like aesthetic. With oversized overalls (She’s also has some muscle on her.)

-Her mini game is gardening like game. But the plants keep trying to kill Ren.

-Gwen seems genuine when she doesnt understand what's wrong. Asking Ren if they want to continue.

-Ren says yes, and that they're cool with it.

-“My plants never really…attack anyone. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

-"Don't worry, I've played plants vs monsters.”

-"What?"

-23

Vale (4 Star/Dark Unit)

-Vale likes to fight and is very rude. Upon seeing Gwen she teases her, making Gwen roll her eyes and say "Ill see you at home."

-Cyberpunk like outfit with an outfit for movement.

-Her mini game is literally just Ren fighting her. But for some reason Vale is trying to kill them.

-Vale actually apologizes and states that she had no idea what got over her. She states that she's not suppose to kill anyone and that she would never do that in the first place.

-Ren seems generally stunned.

-“I…don’t normally try and kill my opponents…sorry…”

-"Yeah...okay...gotcha..."

-23

Kilios (5 Star/Light Unit)

-Kilios mentions that he was actually the first participate in Xkour many years ago but he went mad and had to have his memory whiped. However he recently remembered, making him get corrupted.

-He hates his creators. He's very upset by them. Hates how he was ruined and lost his "life" cause of it.

-Ellie tells Ren "You think this is a good time to tell him that he was created solely for Xkour."

-Kilios hears this and gets more upset.

-“Excuse me…”

-“Why would you tell me that Ell…”

- He says "She must be enjoying this...huh..." somewhere along the way.

-“Who is she???”

-His mini game is a race. Ren finds it Incredibly hard to keep up with him, as he keeps making obstacles. They get dangerous after that comment Ellie made. The only reason they don't fail is because they're a gymnast and an ex ballerina.

-When defeated, Kilios breaks down. He's upset with the fact that him and all his friends are at the will of creators and how his life and sainty were taken because of them. He decides that along with his friends, he'll do his best to go against them.

-The end of the chapter is Inferno running up to him, and hugging him. And then everyone else hugging him.

-Ellie pulls Kilios aside to ask him something. Ren doesn’t know what they talked about until much later.

-“How did she influence the over world?”

[3m0n3rd]

Atuff abt my turtlez that I wrote on a discord sever once but changed sum stuff

Tw for rap3 and abus3

okay so Lee/Leo goes by she/him- shes REALLY masculine physically but like he wants to dress up and act pretty a lot of the time. Leo is (and I'm debating this) bisexual or saphic! Lee has Anorexia and PTSD. She really tries to be an older sibling like RISE! Lee tries be there and present, trying to make his siblings forget about their childhood so that everyone is just happy! which doesn't really work... But again he is just trying her best. -- Lee's love life is wonky, before Usagi came, he was in LOVE with karai and soon started dating her. But when Usagi came, Leo started to feel some stuff but not strong enough for him to leave Karai. So he's always felt shitty about hurting yuichi because he's a dear friend to her. I feel like his VA would be like Pearl from steven universe or something like that.

donnie is like the one who I heavily based off of my but still gave them their own personality uh they/them (and sometimes He/him) Bro is t4t and bisexual and nonbinary. So Don boy is rlly emo.. But like most of the other four, they don't really dress up since no one is there to see them. BUT many ppl don't know this abt donnie but the spike choker he wears, they only wear it around Arrow, if they wear their googles that means their in their lab. But if they aren't wearing those accessories their just hanging with their bros. Donnie has AFRID, OCD, and schizophrenia. Which this causes a lot of difficulties in his life. Arrow in his mind Is their savior, basically their nothing without them. So Donnie tries to change everything about them to make Arrow like them more. ex. He says their fave artist is ICP, Arrow's fave duo. But in truth his fave band is MCR. I think Don's VA would be 2012 Donnie in some sorts of dib from Invader zim.

Mikey is so kawai-chan from aphmau, yes call me cringe idc. any but mostly he/him. Mike in the earlier seasons would be straight, until he realizes he's asexual!! But other then that, HES SCENE!!!! but again like everyone else he doesn't rlly dress up. Unless he wants to. Mikey loves april! their like BFF's for life! Fun silly fact, Mike was originally was suppose to HATE April, but later I got into the 'moon and sun' duo more. Oh mike has adhd, autism and dyslexia. Mikey is really the glue to their family much like in RISE!. So he tries to keep everyone happy like Lee. Mikey has never really told ANYONE this but while splinter never hurt Mike when he was younger, he treated him as the favorite child because occasionally he would ||Rape him.|| Which didn't effect Mike that much because he just blocked it out of his memeory. Mike's VA would DEFFINATLY be something like honey senpai dub from Ouran High school host club or like Beast Boy from Teen Titans Go!

I hate raph/hj. I really just don't know how to feel abt him because he reminds me of me a the most, in the worst ways too. okay he/him and ally! but later become poly and bi with Casey and Mona Lisa. (this was because I REALLY couldn't decide who he should end up with lol) Raph is basically a dick half the time and not in the way people like. He's easily irritated, makes fun of others for no reason, and will just hurt someone cuz he wants to. But deep down he tries his best, he just hates that everyone can act okay with what happened while they were kids. - Raph has PTSD, anger issues and autism - Lee was the one who got hurt most of the time, Raph was the one who was hurt the worst once. Splinter straight up put BOILING water on him because he wouldn't stop picking on Mkey. (this also leads to Raph being very distant from Mikey) So a way to relieve his PTSD is to just either hit shit really hard or just sleep with the million stuffed animals around him. Idk wut his VA would be, maybe Damon Salvatore from the vampire diaries or smth like that

[90s-2000s-barbie]

Hello, Megan! How are you doing? I was wondering if you have any tips for someone wanting to start a 90s/2000s collection like yours.

Where do you shop? How long did it take to accumulate your collection?

Last question might be weird but do you sleep in the room in the photos? The reason I ask is because I want to make my room look like that but I'm a little worried about what people will think...

Hi! This is a great questions and literally anyone can do it and affordable! So I’ve been collecting my whole life but I started going super into it in 2009. Not only do I collect nostalgia, I collect about anything I would see and like, antiques, records vintage clothes, toys, ex. What started my interest is I just saw something a couple antiques i wanted at goodwill and passed it up and I would never live it down. I will forever remember is and kick myself in the ass for it. I said that’s it, I’m not regretting leaving something so cool behind in fear of being judged.

Even though I started in 2009, I will admit, no one has to break bank to start collecting. The best place to start is goodwill, local thrift stores, flea markets, garage sales. I don’t pay much for anything I own in my collection. One time I thrifted an entire huge box full of vintage McDonald’s toys for $2! It’s very simple to do. Some garage sales, people were so tired of selling, they would tell me to have things for free! Like I’m doing them a favor getting rid of the items. lol u really don’t need to spend much.

I started collecting by going to my local goodwill every week and I’d find a cart FULL of 90’s -2000’s finds and I’d spend like max, $50 for my entire cart and I’d find the coolest stuff, toys, clothes, books, ex.

I leave no stones unturned. Some people hid things at goodwill and wait for the color tag to go on sale so look everywhere! I would go by myself and look for a few hours and pick out everything old, and decide at the end what I LOVE and put back things that I just don’t. I’d find cool 2000’s clothes hidden in the kids clothes! I found a vintage adult sized Powerpuff girls sweater in the kids! People hide stuff everywhere and workers also put things in wrong spots just cause it’s got cartoons on them. lol

So the photos of my room is right before I moved into my own house but YES. I slept in that room for years and everyone that walked in thought it was cool! Now I have childhood friends sending me photos of it and asking why my room is all over the internet! lol 😂 I had 2 beds so I could have my best friends over and have cool sleep overs, all my friends, guys and girls loved it and even my boyfriend loved it when we first started dating. My mom loved it cause it reminded her of when me and my sister were kids. She would come up and hang out with me and we would watch Britney and Backstreet Boys videos. I say, do things FOR YOU. If people aren’t supportive, then that’s there problem. As long as ur responsible and not harming anyone or anything, then there is nothing wrong with u doing what makes u happy! ❤️ If u have anything ur really into, the fashion or toys, ask any questions u want, fill free to ask. Something I always do with everything, is pick something up, look for a year. Sometimes older stuff didn’t always have a year on it. Now they always have years.

Also I don’t make YouTube videos anymore but I do have one thrift haul on my YouTube channel Nostalgic Studioz. Can kinda see what I found going to one goodwill! One store is all it takes. lol

Thanks so much for the ask! I love talking about my hobbies and I hope this helps u too! ❤️❤️

Here is one flea market haul and there is that box I spent 2 dollars on to the right. lol I bought all of this in one place, one day at the local flea market. Ohio’s biggest flea market is like 30 mins away and it’s my FAVORITE place in the world. It’s opened all year around and it’s like a giant garage sale.

[morningstar-chronicles]

okay i can't believe i didn't share this dream with y'all today?? it's lowkey the only thing happening in my brain right now.

okay. so, as some of you may know, i'm a very spiritual, witchcraft-y, paganism/wiccanism person, right? all of that stuff is super super interesting to me, and i'm not totally sure how to label my religious belief system, but my spiritual and religious beliefs are really special to me!

read more bc the context for the dream is LONG and also a lot of it gets like... DEEPLY personal so if you're not chill with knowing me like that, feel free to skip over.

okay, so, for context, there was this boy i grew up with, and i was absolutely WHIPPED for this man. why? i don't really know. he's kind of mediocre, actually, but something about him is absolutely fucking entracing to me. like, i would dare say i'm in love with him. i've never had a crush this bad before or since. we'll call this guy jayden (my DR s/o is based off this man).

my actual relationship to jayden was always very complicated. we totally hated each others guts in middle school. this was for a lot of different, complicated reasons, but the main one was that my (ex-)best friend told me a lot of stuff about him that was wildly unflattering to say the least, and also blatantly untrue. so i was um. really mean to jayden. mostly because i was under the impression that he was a bully and a racist. now was he a bully? kind of. but he was also a fourteen year old boy. and also he totally wasn't racist, which i found out many years later.

anyway, i dropped the best friend and fate put jayden right next to me in tenth grade history. i realized he was actually quite funny and sweet, and kind of good-looking, and now my life is ruined. i was too much of a coward to ever reach out and talk to him, or explain my middle school self's actions. i did end up apologizing for being a massive dick to him, and he kind of apologized for being mean to me as well (even though i literally don't think he was ever mean to me??? like i cannot recall a single instance of him being mean to me specifically), and then we never spoke again. but i kinda fumbled my shot with him, even though legit everyone was like "hale don't be stupid he's fully in love with you". i left him a stupid anonymous note confessing my crush like some kind of child, and then started flirting with another guy who i didn't really care about to mask the fact that i liked jayden. jayden blocked me soon after. which. fair.

my ex-best friend uhhh. kind of sucked really bad. we'll call her lorelai. i ended up dropping a lot of friends because lorelai just told me shit about them that was blatantly untrue, including one of my other childhood best friends. we'll call him joel.

so, joel and i were never all that close actually. i think we were just close in my head. either way, i ended up having a lot of regret surrounding both jayden and joel, because looking back i think we could have had really good connections, and because of how things happened with lorelai, i never really learned how to make friends. like, i still don't really know? i think i'm kind of undersocialized. not the point. i think i'm oversharing.

so, finally getting to the dream!!! jayden and i were in some kind of class together. i think it was like a gym class outside of school? and he and i were talking, but only because we didn't really know anyone else, and we were the only two people our age there. everything was really awkward.

suddenly the dream fully stops. the scene around me fades, and i'm in this strange, white-light, liminal space. some kind of spirit appears wearing joel's face, and he tells me that i screwed things up with jayden because i was afraid, and that i was so unhappy with my current life because i never acted upon my desires, and any actions i did take didn't have my whole heart behind them. then i woke up.

let me tell you... i have NEVER, in my life, had a dream that vivid or that blunt. so, of course, i wake up shaken. i immediately text all my spiritual friends, and they all think it's super weird. i start examining some of my decisions and why i'm so unhappy in life, and it kind of hits me- yeah. i do lack follow-through. i'm too scared to actually do the things i know will be best for me, because i always worry about affecting other people in a negative way. i don't go after what i want, and i never have. today i blocked a few people in my life who've been continuously causing me stress, and who i was previously too scared to block, and i was instantly a million times happier. it was like ten pounds was just fully lifted off my shoulders.

and then ANOTHER funny thing happened- i turned on this song, which i've been playing on loop for like a full week. inertia, by ajr. can you guess what that song is about? correct! being to scared/unmotivated to follow through on what's best for you, even though you're unhappy with where you are.

and now i'm imagining my spirit guides watching me and being like "this dumb bitch-" and then sending me that dream. honestly, i thank them. i would NEVER have gotten the message otherwise.

i don't really know what the moral here is but today has just been. so crazy. and now i'm genuinely going to rethink my life.

[frostluvrs]

Idk but to me Ricky and nini always seemed a little forced. I really appreciate the subtlety of hsmtmts! Like Jets feelings for Kourtney are noticeable when you rewatch and same with Maddox and Ash. Hsmtmts has always thrives on a mix between subtlety and blatantly showing the audience, like the duet with Ej and Gina as Hans and Anna pretty blatantly showed they weren’t gonna work out. It made it hard to find nini and Ricky interesting when everything about them was always shoved in there somehow, like every confessional and every scene they would just describe how they were feeling and what was happening in this very unnatural way that people do not do.

But Ricky and Gina showed off Tims mix of subtlety and showing instead of telling the audience. We don’t hear about Ricky’s feelings THAT much but we can SEE his totally hopeless pining (side note Joshua basset put his whole SOUL into that unrequited longing) and not to be mean (even though it’s totally fair game at this point) it just makes the portwell and rini shippers look not very clever at this point. At the very least they should be able to admit that rina was gonna happen at some point but pretending to not see it AT ALL, makes them look either blind or just petty.

i agree they always seemed forced! i enjoy rina madlyn and jetney for the same reasons you listed. even with redlyn they showed why their relationship worked instead of JUST telling us. for portwell and rini the only time they showed us something about their relationship instead of telling us is showing they didn’t work.

i think a large part of the problem is all of their development was off screen and so was their first relationship besides the s1 flashback. there’s definitely a way to show exes to lover’s relationship and/or a relationship that has history pre show and make it interesting but for rini that just didn’t happen. they just simply tell us they had this loving relationship and that they know each other so well but they don’t show it all. if anything it seemed like they didn’t know each other well. and that’s funny considering they shoehorned in them being childhood best friends. which is still funny to me because they don’t feel like childhood best friends at all. it’s very similar to dawson and joey where they’re telling us they’re best friends and are each others person when the only evidence of them on screen (tho they attempted with dawson and joey but failed in my opinion) is the characters saying it. we don’t actually get to see their bond ☠️☠️. it’s one of my biggest problems with the best friends to lovers trope in general despite me loving it - the fact half the time the ships with it don’t actually feel like they’ve known each other for that long or have history.

with rini it’s funny to me because going with the idea they’re childhood friends to me they just feel like that relationship that only got together because everyone expected them to. like i don’t think we even actually know why ricky and nini liked each other besides ricky holding onto her for comfort 😭😭

i actually said before (here x) that i think one of the reasons some people don’t get rina is because it’s not being told to you it’s being SHOWN to you and they called rina forced in s3 bc their relationship became fully text in s3 instead of subtext (even though s1 and esp s2 was obvious enough but i digress). portwell and rini was in your face from the beginning they started to both of them ending but their stans missed the fact they would eventually break up bc the show was SHOWING you instead of telling you the reasons they would eventually not work out (besides in s2b for rini and s3 for portwell where the underlying reasons their relationships would fail started becoming obvious …. in which then their stans said it’s forced ….)

your second paragraph !!!! i said the same thing here. i just don’t understand how they can see them having no closure and the rina relationship just constantly being put on hold instead of being put to rest and think nothing was ever going to happen or get addressed. sure i started to think rina was never happening but not because it made sense that their story is over. i just thought the writers were bad at writing 😭😭 but like i said in the post they refused to see them as romantic in s1 and then said it was one sided in s2 and that the flashback was closure and ricky never liked her and then one sided on ricky’s end in s3 and now say s3 and their feelings don’t make sense …. they want to talk about bad writing so much but leaving rina open and never closing their book would have been the bad writing.

[raisedbythetv89]

Keith Mars in You think you know someone:

Veronica I am so shocked and disappointed that you’re acting weird and not at all welcoming to me dating the closest thing you have to a therapist from the school who’s been nothing but cruel to you! You’re usually so warm and welcoming to new people! And this one is gonna replace your still missing mother whose disappearance is still a mystery! And this woman is clearly extremely desperate for your acceptance and approval making literally everyone extremely uncomfortable with her desperate plays to gain favor with you putting all sorts of weird pressure on you and was careless enough to call the house and leave a message which is how you found out which isn’t traumatizing for you at all!!

Like bro forgot who his daughter was and what her life has been like for the last year for a whole episode.

And the way he yells at her??? calls her snotty and is basically all HOW DARE YOU and claiming they considered her feelings when they absolutely did not 😹 they kept springing Mrs. James on her first at work and then at her house where she was just by herself for Veronica to find?? Basically just being like BE COMFORT WITH THIS BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO BE. Only to end things after all that! Making Veronica feel INCREDIBLY guilty and like it’s her fault for taking happiness away from her father when he is the one who handled things horribly just like he did with Lilly’s murder investigation.

I genuinely CANNOT listen to him interviewing jake and celeste 😭 he’s being SO WEIRD and creepy and uncomfortable. Like bro there are about a billion better ways to handle knowing they’re lying that aren’t terrorizing powerful successful suspected murderers who just lost their daughter 😭

The older I get the less and less I like Keith Mars and the more I connect his behavior to making Veronica’s life so much worse

The show is all about criticizing the wealthy elite yet Keith Mars every chance he gets is pushing Veronica to become one!! “Got to and ivy league school and get a high powered corporate job and never think about private investigation again in your perfect life”

First of all thinking her life will be perfect just because she has a well paying job is CLOWNERY. Her best friend was murdered and her alcoholic mother abandoned her in the same year and she lost all of her friends because of how poorly Keith went about investigating said murder AND she’s sa’s twice in the same night once by her ex she gets back together with and a future mass murderer. Those are not the usual childhood things to happen to a person and a high paying job isn’t what’s gonna magically make her happy and give her a good life. It’s so frustrating that we get “oh my god they care more about spring break business than saving lives that’s soooo fucked up” yet Keith is like YOU MUST PLAY THE CAPITALISM GAME AND WIN OR YOUR LIFE IS A FAILURE every chance he can.

And when he finds out she helped Duncan kidnap his daughter and he’s like “I wouldn’t survive if you went to jail or something happened to you” ummmmmm codependency with your child much???!!!!?!?! Again SO MUCH PRESSURE ON HER telling your child can’t live without them is so inappropriate on so many levels because you’re literally saying my well-being is tied to yours which is literally the definition of codependency. So he forms this codependent relationship with his daughter but then is sooo disappointed with her that she wants to stay in Neptune and work with him like the mixed messaging is INSANE.

And while I don’t really view Lilly as the good person the show paints her as she was really good for Veronica because she helped her push back against a very overbearing, overprotective father which is really important for childhood development.

It’s another reason I HATE the finale of season 4 so much. She is literally EXACTLY back where she started in season 4 including being overly dependent on her dad while losing the only person who she cared for more than pleasing her father because she knew he didn’t want her to be with Logan but she did anyway because it’s what she wanted. She didn’t want law school, she didn’t want New York, she didn’t want Piz. Those were all to make her dad happy after everything that went down at the end of season 3. The movie was her finally, after NINE YEARS forgiving herself or at least letting herself off the hook for her mistakes and letting herself live her life the way she wanted again. She lived a life she didn’t want for almost a DECADE purely to please her dad.

I mean the fact that she never tells her dad about being sa’d, especially after Lamb doesn’t believe her - not because she can’t talk about it but because she’s afraid of what he’ll do/how he’ll react - that’s BAD. That is a sign of TERRIBLE parenting mistakes that your child feels the need to protect you from the awful things that happen to them.

I still don’t hate Keith and I do enjoy their dynamic a lot of the time still but Oooooooh does he piss me off especially when he’s adding to Veronica’s guilt or burden, usually in a very hypocritical way.

[evelhak]

Old art #14: KnB OCs

Specifically the girls!

Because I just reblogged a post about how unappreciated female characters can be, and it made me mad. The second I started writing my massive KnB fic I was like oh lord does this story need more significant female characters. And my story is slice of life and about so much more than basketball, so there's no excuse for the lack of girls like "unfortunately that's just how it is" like Fujimaki said or something.

I'm not undermining the fact that Riko and Momoi especially are great characters, and I'm so happy for their existence, I'm just pointing out how obvious it was to me that as a fic writer I could do so much more! And that if I had found myself for some reason creating only male OCs for this project, the only reason I could think of for why that would happen is misogyny. (Not that the gender diversity in my fic is limited to male and female, I'm just trying to simplify things for the sake of an argument.)

Now that I'm thinking about this in the light of that other post that pointed out how people make excuses for why they don't have any favourite female characters or even female OCs, it occurred to me that had those people been writing this love story between the two main guys they probably would have used that as an excuse? Like, oh well, this story is just basically about them, so it's what it is. I mean, my story is about KagaKuro. Like 90%.

Somehow, that wasn't an issue.

Sorry for the rant. I'll introduce you to some of my girls now, whose pictures I've posted before, but I'll tell a little bit more about them this time.

Meet Mitsuhara Tomie! She came along early, and isn't getting out of this. She's a theatre nerd, a playwright, and an actress whose drama club causes fun times for Seirin's basketball club too. Her life collided with our main characters' because her friend had a crush on Kagami and was using Tomie as a reluctant messenger. Pretty obviously, no romance bloomed between her friend and Kagami, but as a side effect, Tomie became friends with Kuroko. She's gay, she's very intense and kinda socially anxious, she has very distinct life philosophies, and she has described herself as "the ball of hair the Cheshire Cat pukes". She's short, pear-shaped, very flexible and loves her big glasses. At one point, Kuroko describes her style of discussing controversial topics in her plays to be as subtle as Kagami's Meteor Jam, to which Kagami says it must be really to the point, then.

The reason she came into existence was because I felt like it would be nice if Kuroko had a friend who gets stories on a deep level, a non-basketball friend for a change, and especially a female friend who isn't forcing herself on him from left and right. Pretty soon Tomie bloomed into a character I would not know how to tell this story without anymore.

Next we have Kirigaya Azumi who is a joint effort between me and my ex. She is Rakuzan's manager during our main characters' second year, so she isn't very frequently involved in my main story, as she's much more significant to my still in-progress and unpublished Akashi centric fic. Momoi describes Azumi from her notes as follows:

"Kirigaya Azumi, age 17, height 166 cm, used to play small forward in middle school. Also has a background in traditional and street dance, plays the piano and koto, and is apparently an unbeatable archer. She lives at her family shrine, and is supposed to be the successor, which explains some of her wide repertoire of skills. She believes things are interesting as long as you haven’t achieved your personal best. Old money from her father’s side, new money from her mother’s. Her brother is a professional basketball player in the US. She secretly dyes her hair with a hint of reddish purple, and gets away with it, because everyone believes it to be natural. She’s childhood friends with Mibuchi Reo. I assume that’s related to how she became the manager, although I haven’t got the details on that, and there’s a gap in my knowledge of her motives too. She’s not the usual manager type."

Basically, the idea behind Azumi's character was a big fuck you to people who call female characters Mary Sues for simply being on par with a male character. So, in this world of ridiculous guys we needed more ridiculous girls, and especially on the occasion that one might turn out to catch Akashi's interest in several ways, she would have to be in his league. We had seen so many takes on Akashi's OC girlfriend who was shy or poor or otherwise exactly the type of character to buy into the whole "school prince" narrative, which obviously isn't wrong, but we didn't want that. We wanted someone who could be an obvious power couple with him. We felt he needed someone who would not trigger him into feeling like he needs to control things and take care of everything. We didn't feel like Akashi actually fits into the trope of "soft girl makes cold boy open up" because Akashi isn't really like that. We felt he needed someone more traditionally strong and independent, someone who can make him relax. Azumi has her own issues of course, but she's chill, confident and in the "feline club" so other characters tend to perceive her as someone not to be messed with.

Sato Mika is Seirin's manager during the main characters' third year, when Riko is in university but has still decided to go on as Seirin's coach, and she can no longer deny the need of a couple of extra hands. Thankfully, Mika is also someone to match her brain and becomes practically an assistant coach. She has a photographic memory, which turns out to be particularly handy in helping people develop faster because she can always point out the smallest differences in people's forms and movements off the top of her head. She is one half of Sato twins and her brother also joins the team. They are also both Finnish-Japanese and have lived most of their lives in Finland because my brain needed some Finns. They are both third years who transferred to Seirin because of some problems in their old school.

Here's a bit from Mika introducing herself in Seirin's group chat and her brother being as ass. (This is Kagami's phone, and he's just calling them Sato1 and Sato2 at this point.)

Sato2

Okay, I can start. :)

So, I’m the new manager, though it seems we’re still kinda working on my job description. My unnecessarily long nickname as a kid was “picture encyclopaedia”, but I’d totally prefer to be conceptualized as a search engine because I’m SO much faster than some physical book. Okay, I’ll stop before Aki says I’m bragging. Anyway, I’m not totally clueless about basketball, because I grew up with him, obviously. Hmm. So, we came from the dark cold north, and I think the best thing about Japan so far is the rice. I really love rice and it's so much better here. What else? I like Marvel and Nightwish.

So, nice to meet you. Please, ask me anything, and my brain will come up with a selection of visuals related to that thing.

Sato1

I was still gonna say you’re bragging. But then again, who would lift the cat’s tail if not the cat itself.

Anyway, I’m her brother, so hi. :D But I’d totally prefer to be conceptualized as a crispy waffle with mango ice cream and a bit of maple syrup, but not too much, and with a slice of carambola on top.

Sato2

That was so unnecessary, and you know it.

Sato1

I apologize. I know the carambola slice was way too much.

Mika is very introspective, fun-loving and has some issues with a fear of commitment, but what better place to work on that, than Seirin, right?

I have more female OCs, but these three are the most significant ones so far, except for Kuroko's grandmother who is an OC for all intents and purposes, because she isn't actually a character in canon. I haven't drawn her because the task seems very daunting. She is too much to capture with my drawing skills and there are still, even after writing a million word fic, so many things even I don't know about her.

Here are a couple of characters' opinions of her.

Momoi:

She seems to embody something ancient for me. Like she’s an old, good witch of a sort. Someone who knows all the secrets of womanhood, because how else could she look like that? How else could she look so at ease with herself?

Kagami:

She smiles that all-knowing, all-powerful, “you puny human are lucky I’m nice” kind of smile at me, so what the hell am I supposed to say?

Basically...

Go love your female characters! (And show them to me if you want.)

[stillyour-sweetheart]

Dear Annie,

What have you learned from your past relationships?

WARNING: LONG REPLY AHEAD (lol)

[also, ofc none of what I say applies to abusive relationships. If you find yourself being abused in any way, shape, or form, PLS discontinue the relationship!]

Really listen to your partner, usually a breakup isn’t just one big event that’s happened but a lot of micro events that leave your partner feeling rejected

The importance of childhood trauma and attachment styles 

I don’t believe in ‘falling’ in love but more like ‘growing’ in love. To me ‘falling’ sounds too fast and too uncontrolled. I think growing is more intentional, it’s slower. Aim for something that’s sustainable, not something that’ll fizzle out because it’s not built on good foundation. 

Love as a choice and not as a feeling. Another way to say this is: feelings are not facts. What I mean by this is that you can feel anxious and stressed out in the relationship (ever heard of relationship anxiety? Well, now you have! And I have it LOL) but just bc you may feel negatively at times doesn’t mean there’s actually a reason for that. Sometimes (depending on your personal traumas) your nervous system will go into hyperdrive in order to help protect you from some perceived danger. You’ll start to try and find reasons to leave or to justify why you’re feeling a type of way. Feelings are not facts. Don’t self-sabotage. Take it from me, please. 

How wonderfully scary yet beautiful it is to share your life and yourself with someone. I never wanted to marry or have kids growing up. But when you find the right person, suddenly all these things become more of an adventure and a challenge you’re willing to take because you feel supported in doing so. You feel like you’ll have someone to make the journey worthwhile. It’s a really beautiful feeling to change your mind/perspective like that.

To cherish every moment bc you never know if/when it’ll end

Love without holding back. If you love someone in this moment, on this day, show them. Let them know. 

Small acts add up and become big, loving feelings. 

The importance of having values and morals align. Interests aligning really helps too and makes things more fun imo haha. I think it’s because I’m kinda niche (? Does that make sense?) so there are specific things I like doing. My ex and I liked the same things so it was fun to go around and have someone to do them with. We never fought about how we would spend our very limited quality time. It was fun, it felt natural. But even with this being said…

Try out new things together because that puts both of you on a neutral playing field, no one is more ‘in control’ or has more ‘power’ when you do something new together. Plus, creating totally new memories with someone you love is just super lovely!! 

It’s really important to respect who your partner is at their CORE, not just who they are as a partner towards YOU. Does this make sense? In the same way, they must also respect you at YOUR core and who you are as a HUMAN FIRST. 

Tbh... it’s so much easier when your circle (friends + family) like your partner. I know you can’t always find this.. but honestly… it’ll take away so much unnecessary drama and stress. Get the opinions of the people you hold closest to you. Try not to find someone who everyone dislikes lol it’s not cool (or worth it) to rebel (I say this bc I used to think it was cool LOL but hopefully you guys are smarter than me hehe). 

Fighting hard (and even often) isn’t necessarily a bad sign or a sign the relationship needs to end. I think of a relationship as two people trying to fight their inner demons, but together. Get through the fights. Learn what works and what doesn’t. Learn how to communicate through them. Learn if it’s best to solve things RIGHT NOW or to give your partner space and revisit the topic later. Learn what triggers them, learn what triggers you. Not to sound like a weirdo, but I personally like fighting with my partner. I want to see them in ‘every season’ of their being. I want to see what they’re like when they’re REALLY mad. Are they rude? Do they make me feel small? Do they stonewall me? Would they call me names? These are things that are scary but you need to see. Fighting styles are always evolving the more that you fight. You CAN fight productively and soon your ‘fights,’ which would fill you with dread and exhaust you, are now serious conversations that you can manage. Remember, winning isn’t the goal. Coming back to that person and showing them that you love and care for them are. (Honestly I can go on and on about fighting/communicating. These were actually 2/3 reasons my ex broke up with me- granted… he didn’t have the patience nor determination to figure things out with me. But it’s a long and convoluted story). 

You will make mistakes. You will hurt the person you love. On days, you will even dislike them and they will dislike you. That’s okay. If they’re worth it, keep choosing them and be gracious to yourself.

When you go through hard times, both your and their character will come out. One of the reasons why I am so upset and saddened by my ex leaving me is because he was so good to me in the beginning when things were easy (no fights, everyone got along, all the people in our circle also got along, my family liked him, his family liked me, etc.) but when things got tough, and we had a rough season of a lot of fighting and pent up resentment (on his end, bc he didn’t communicate a lot of how he was feeling towards me), he up and left rather than stay to try and figure things out. Even though he had proclaimed how much he loved me all the time, would say how he’s going to marry me, how he felt ‘so good’ about this relationship and could see it ‘going all the way,’ would pretend to get on one knee and propose to me bc he was ‘practicing’ … all those things fell through the cracks when things got hard. Was he a good boyfriend? Yes- but in the beginning. Could he endure what an actual relationship takes when things get hard and rough between us? No. Real love stays to mend, it doesn’t leave when things get dark. (I am going to brag about myself rn bc I feel that it’s deserved): What did I learn about myself when things got hard? That I’m someone who stays by the person I love. I’m someone who loves hard and true. I love tenaciously. If I say I love you and I want things to work, I’ll do the work. I’ll stay. I’ll fight the fight. I’ll love you the way you are RIGHT NOW, NOT who I hope you’ll be in the future. Relationships are NOT easy , tbh I think being in a relationship is the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and I’m not being dramatic!) but it’s one of the most rewarding and beautiful things you can do. Remember, nothing worthwhile in life comes easy. I feel proud knowing that I didn’t give up and that I gave it my all, even when things got messy. Even when my ex was breaking up with me. I was sobbing and he was extremely emotionally charged, rather than worry about myself I tried to give him water to calm him down, I asked if he wanted to take a 5 minute break from the conversation so he could cool off, I kept asking if he was okay even tho I was the one clearly breaking down. I put him first even when I was hurting- bad. Looking back at how lovingly I acted not only in that situation, but in many where things were going poorly, I know I’m someone I can be proud of that would leave others in awe if they saw how I acted in times of great distress. I wouldn’t have known this about myself had I not been in a relationship. 

Give up your ego. There's no worth in keeping it. You'll hurt the person you love. In the same way, try not to be with someone who won’t give theirs up. It’ll just be hard for you, trust me. 

Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s worth it. The right person will accept all your flaws and the story that has made you who you currently are today- warts and all.   

Even if a relationship ends, there is only one you - and that is your superpower. 

Tbh I can go on and on... but I had to stop it somewhere! >.< I’m so sorry my list is so long!

I don’t know what you’re going through or why you asked me this question, but I hope there is something you can take from it.

Thank you for stopping by and for reading. I hope you’re okay. ❤️