#someone please tell me im not alone

[halfhumanhalfasleep]

I am possessed by the ghosts of a million emotions

Every time I think about it I want to scream. Ten years. Ten empty years. I don’t want to think of them as wasted, I don’t dare. That way lies danger. A gaping, empty chasm of grief.

It’s difficult not to think of them as wasted. Some days it’s all I can think about. It feels like finally gasping in air after drowning, relief and adrenaline, yet still wondering if maybe the water was better. L’apelle du vide, soft but urging. When I was numb, I didn’t mind.

Now I do, and I have to live with the weight of that.

It’s a joke I keep hearing, in song lyrics, in the words of people on the internet, in the confessions of people I love: what do you do when you honestly thought you’d be dead by now? Only to be confronted with your own stubbornly beating heart that refuses to allow you to keep your youth. And you just have to. Keep…going? When the years you lost are the ones everyone tells you are the most important, the ones everyone writes songs about, and books about, and movies about. The only stories anyone seems to think are worth telling; the only lives that seem to matter. How do you grieve that? And how do you let it go?

I am screaming. It’s just inside my own head.

[dichromaniac]

Are we gonna talk about the fact that the first time we meet Barb there's this incredibly charged flirtation where Cooper runs his index finger over hers when they exchange the taffy and how it's a *dishonest* exchange because they're pretending they don't know each other?

And how the Lucy/Ghoul exchange is more honest because they're both showing their true natures and the exchange is violent and permanent???

I can't be the only person obsessed with this parallel.

[firewolf111]

This time we're projecting onto Remus, so..

Tw: intrusive thoughts, heavy mentions of gore/self mutilation and murder/torture, some mild cussing, and hating oneself/thinking oneself is a bad person for intrusive thoughts.

So be warned.

Remus had gotten used to people hating him and his ideas. It was his normal. He had also gotten used to the usual mentions of "intrusive thoughts" as a joke. He had gotten used to ignoring them. But today has been a bad day and the week had been even worse, so he was on the edge and so close to snapping. Though maybe it was more than just a bad week that had him this way, maybe it was the years of repression and denial. The why doesn't matter, it never seemed like it did. Either way, he ends up here despite it starting like every other day.

Roman: *watching a movie* Now, that's not accurate. An alligator wouldn't be that fast on land.

Logan: Actually, alligators can run decently fast. Some say they can sprint up to 35 miles per hour, though only in brief bursts.

Roman: That's disturbing. Imagine just minding your own business and an alligator comes sprinting at you.

Virgil: Now that's an intrusive thought.

Remus: *without thinking* No, that's not.

And he really should keep his mouth shut, but he wasn't known for his filter. So his bad day and awful week bubble beneath his skin and make its way through his blood and into his lungs. He breathes it and coughs it out for all to see. Maybe it was a long time coming. He had grown tired of drowning in it.

Virgil: *looking over* What was that?

Remus: I said, no, it's not.

Virgil: What's not what?

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought.

Virgil: *rolling his eyes* Okay, sorry, Mr. thought police.

And normally, Remus would make a joke. Usually, he was good at playing along. He was the big, scary Duke. But right now, he felt more scared than scary. He felt small. He was so tired.

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought. I wish it was. I wish it was that simple. That easy.

Virgil: *catching on to the seriousness* Woah. You're right. I'm sorry for downplaying intrusive thoughts.

Remus: *growing frustrated* But it's not just you! It's all of you! It's everyone! It's all a joke to everyone. Because to you, I'm nothing but a poorly timed sex joke or a weird fact. But that isn't the half of it! That's what I let out. What little I can release without being thrown away like the garbage fire I am!

Everyone is looking at him now. Some horror, some concern. A weird mix of the two. He hates it. He craves it. He doesn't know.

Roman: Remus-

And it's that tone of voice. That tone he used when they were younger. When Remus would get hurt fighting monsters in the imagination or wake screaming from a nightmare. He hates it. He craves it. He still doesn't fucking know. And it burns and it boils and it builds and builds and he breaks.

Remus: Stop. *It's more a plea than a command, and he wants to take it back. To try again. To undo the entire conversation because it is too open for him*

Janus: *taking a step forward* Remus, listen-

He doesn't, because he is a fire that burns too bright. An explosion waiting to happen. He's a stomach full of gasoline, and he's been choking on matches for a while. He tries to swallow down the smoke, and instead, he lights the blaze.

Remus: No, you listen! Stop trying to silence me! You don't like the things I say? Try being in my brain! Try dealing with them constantly! The thoughts you hear are tame compared to what goes on up there!

And oh, he's crying. He wants to tear out his eyes. To stop the traitorous tears that run down his cheeks. Will they eventually erode his skin? Will the others realize how broken he is and leave? A thousand thoughts. Like always. He never gets a break.

Remus: *dejected* You don't get it.

Janus: Then tell us.

He debates screaming that that had never worked before, but he is tired. So he complies.

Remus: Do you know what it's like to see people talk about their intrusive thoughts? How much it burns when someone makes a joke about it or assumes it's the same as impulsiveness. For fuck's sake, it burns enough when someone explains their intrusive thoughts to be about throwing something at someone or pushing someone.

Remus: *running his hands harshly through his hair* And how fucked up is that? To be jealous of something like that? But I wish my thoughts were just shit like that. Those are tame for me. I feel relieved when my thoughts are those ones.

Remus: But I rarely see people talking about the extreme ones. Is it just me? Because most people don't talk about the vivid images of murdering your family in brutal ways. Of torture methods and having such intense thoughts of using them on someone or doing something worse. Or losing your appetite because all you can think about is how it would feel to throw up your organs into the trash or tear your intestines out of your gut. To stare at your wrist and want to tear out your tendons, fighting the urge to dig into it. I have to be careful when scratching my face near my eye so I don't mindlessly dig my fingernails in because I get the strong urge to just pluck them out!

Remus: And don't get me started on the detailed thoughts that don't just stop on one image. The ones that are so detailed and thought out that it forms a plan in your head. A plan so carefully crafted, you can't help but wonder if you actually want to do it. *he's yanking at his hair now, unsure when he started* I don't. I swear I don't. But I have an entire plan in my head that plays out and I can't stop it. What if I do want to do it? Maybe I am a bad person.

Everyone looks horrified. He's done it. Now they'll kick him out for good because they know the monster he truly is. And yet, when he speaks the final sentence, something shifts. Roman and Janus snap out of it and step forward, already speaking reassurances.

Janus: You can't control your thoughts. They don't make you a bad person.

Roman: Re-no. That's not true

But he isn't listening. He's sinking out with a muttered "I'm a monster." Janus and Roman shout after him. Maybe Virgil does too. Maybe Patton and Logan call out, or maybe they don't. It doesn't matter.

The question isn't who comes find him, or how long or where. The question isn't what they say to him.

The question is: Will he finally find relief?

Because when the enemy is your own mind, that's a hard thing to do.

[narugen-moved]

i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.

to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.

narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore

(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)

like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)

and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..

[cbartonscoffee]

My favourite thing about Good Omens and everything that went into creating it, is that I can't see the characters as their actors. At least not Aziraphale and Crowley. I literally can't. What do you mean that's Michael Sheen? That's Aziraphale, they're an angel. That Crowley is who? He's just a good ol' demon. And I say this sincerely, I can't overlap the characters and the actors. The costumes, the mannerisms, they just exist as a separate entity. Crowley and Aziraphale on one side, David and Michael on the other.

[alchemania]

Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.

Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!

It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.

[apollocabinrep]

That one fanfic series with Percy being a "son of Aphrodite" (it's a whole thing, he's adopted.) has me hyperfixating on Castor and I haven't finished the 2nd fic yet, but istg I will be fighting someone if Castor doesn't get his man back. It's actually so foul-. I can't even say more without spoiling it 😭😭😭

[sh5]

[butchharts]

idk if any other older siblings can relate but when it comes to relationships I genuinely like to be looked after and taken care of since I didn’t get to experience that much growin up 😭

[thekingofspin]

I wonder how video game characters would react if they could actually see the character we play as the way we're playing them

specifically the way I play as them

like I'm playing mw2 and whenever there's a dramatic high stakes moment I'm just jumping up and down and climbing on various objects like a cat with adhd

everyone's having a very important conversation and they look over and soaps just army crawling across the floor for absolutely no reason whatsover

imagine how that would go down irl

like you're in special forces trying to disarm a bomb or something and you turn around to find one of your team mates crawling on the ground, you look away again and you find another jumping up and down on the controls to disarm the missile and the third is doing ballet spins around the control room

I don't think that would go down well

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

Being queer and neurodivergent is great and all until you're with relatives and you watch other people and feel like an outcast in your own family

[gooperts-gunk]

i like/cry over this concept that q!bbh is cursed where every man he has mutual romantic charge with dies or disappears and one instance is obvious and doesn't need to be mentioned but wait until i bring up chicomaxo and the absence of skeppy on the island. someone out there wants q!bbh to be ALONE FOREVER!!!!! they cast a fucking hex on him LET HIM BE CLOSE TO SOMEONE AND CONFIDE IN SOMEONE THAT ISN'T AN EGG WITH EVERYTHING HE KEEPS SECRET PLEASE GOD IM SO TIRED </3

[divorcingjimmatthews]

every time i get notifications on this post it's someone calling the show bad writing because "there would be no story if the characters just talked to each other" and i want to respectfully disagree. i believe the show goes to great lengths to explain why the characters don't always share all that they know with each other. so much character conflict in the show is literally about this. it would not make any sense for boyd to share all that he knows with jade of all people

boyd has military training and it is well established that he treats the town residents as civilians to protect while only sharing important information with his trusted circle (khatri, kenny, kristi), with sara when necessary and with donna. not only is this in line with him being a military officer but is also reinforced by what he has experienced so far in the town, given that everyone was completely helpless until he arrived and found the talismans. also, it is well established that acting on said information can bring terrible consequences and boyd knows this better than anyone. of course he is careful with what he shares

what i am getting at is that jade will have to earn boyd's trust if he wants to be told about the worms and the lighthouse and the dead monster and the spider and the boy in white and everything else. which makes perfect sense! i'm sure boyd is already surprised to see jade acting so normal given how hard he clowned when they first met. i am looking forward to see how their dynamic continues to develop ‼️

[good-beanswrites]

Just wanted to plant an idea if you wanted a bit of fuel: Mahiru asking Yuno to come to her cell before everything goes down.

Edit: I forgot the ask didn't say it but this is part of Kyanako's incredible Order Of Attack AU!

Didn't mean for this to become a mini Mappi study but here we are ✨ Thank you for the request! I fully intended to write them hanging out, but it's more right before they hang out lol. Went a bit on-the-nose with foreshadowing, but isn't that the fun part? It has become Emotional Over Mahiru Hour...

I kept things vague, but TW for mentioning her boyfriend's state of potential self-harm

Mahiru tried not to act superstitious, she really did. As much as she loved the idea of little luck charms, or avoided easy signs of misfortune, it was easier to keep quiet about such ridiculous things.

Maybe catching a bride’s bouquet meant no guarantees; maybe there was no real harm in stepping underneath ladders, maybe a coin tossed into a fountain had no real magic to its wish. However, the one thing she knew for sure held power was a lucky presence. Being in the right place at the right time could alter everything. And today was the right time for something. There was this waiting in the air. The prison had been holding its breath. Mahiru knew it was time to release it all.

“You must be so lonely, why don’t you let big sis Mahiru keep you company?” She beamed at Amane.

She often recalled the good fortune that she and a certain young man had crossed paths on the university terrace. She used to laugh with him about the wonderful coincidence of bumping into each other outside of the bakery, then the convenience store. 

Though she’d never spoken about it to him, she was also grateful for many occasions where she walked in on him at the precise moment to talk him out of something reckless. She always told him that they’d do everything together. He didn’t need to be alone anymore. 

“I wish to be alone. I need peace of mind to think.” Amane turned away from the cell door.

It was a good thing, too. Mahiru’s smile wasn’t as convincing as she said, “o-oh. Of course.”

She made her way around the panopticon, hearing Fuuta pace his cell in anticipation. He must have felt it too, this holding of breath. 

Or perhaps not. He turned down her offer for a bit of company, including a few more colorful words than Amane had. Mahiru just apologized for bothering him and headed back to her cell. She wasn’t sure where Mikoto was at this hour, but she didn’t feel like smiling through a third rejection.

She shook her head back and forth. She wished the motion could rattle the voices inside, she wished she could shake them all away. With her arms secured in place she could no longer cover her ears. She used to hum to keep them at bay, but lately they’d been too loud to stifle. They just kept on talking.

Their words told her the two were right. Nobody needed her company. No – nobody wanted it. Being together hadn’t helped her boyfriend. In fact, being together had been the very thing that got him killed. No wonder Amane and Fuuta wanted to avoid her. 

So then, this was for the best. She would rather deal with the brief sting of refusal than stumble in one day to find them hurt… or worse. As much as she tried to avoid the superstition of it all, the voices reminded her that her very presence could mean life or death. 

“Mappi, are you alright?” Mahiru hadn’t realized a tear had slipped down her cheek until she hurried to swipe it away in front of Yuno. 

“Hah, I’m fine! Just fine.” It was impossible to fool her, Mahiru had learned, but that never stopped her from trying. 

At least she always spoke tactfully. “Rough morning?”

Mahiru shifted her arms in her uniform, making a small sound of agreement.

“Can I do anything to help? What if I stay with you for a bit? I can do your hair, and…”

The voices were right. Amane and Fuuta knew it, too. Presences did hold power, and Mahiru’s was cursed.

But she would sound foolish admitting such a fear to Yuno. She'd heard plenty from the voices about how stupid and airheaded she was, there was no use in getting the same lecture from someone as grounded as her.

Mahiru managed a weak protest, unable to explain her real reasoning. Yuno was insistent. She didn’t give much of a choice. Could she feel the strangeness of the prison, as well? 

At last, Mahiru allowed her shoulders to sag. Yuno was lucky. And kind. Having her nearby would do her good. Amane and Fuuta would be alright. Mahiru had tried spending more time with them after verdicts were announced. Now, she made a mental note to pull back. If her love couldn’t save anyone, at least she could spare them from her curse. They would be safe. 

“Yes. Please stay. The truth is... I don't want to be alone.”

[bamjammy]

Why do people not reblog art? Like, genuine question, I don't understand. It's just as easy as pressing like and way more helpful to artists. If you like art enough to like it but not enough to reblog tbh just don't interact at all. I reblog every piece of art I see and like which is why my blog is filled to the brim constantly and I'm posting multiple times a day its like 90% art. If you don't like my art enough to reblog it that's fine but just don't even bother with my page fr

[hella1975]

not someone commenting on tams to tell me to update taob. what if you fucked off forever