#someone please tell me im not alone

[halfhumanhalfasleep]

I am possessed by the ghosts of a million emotions

Every time I think about it I want to scream. Ten years. Ten empty years. I don’t want to think of them as wasted, I don’t dare. That way lies danger. A gaping, empty chasm of grief.

It’s difficult not to think of them as wasted. Some days it’s all I can think about. It feels like finally gasping in air after drowning, relief and adrenaline, yet still wondering if maybe the water was better. L’apelle du vide, soft but urging. When I was numb, I didn’t mind.

Now I do, and I have to live with the weight of that.

It’s a joke I keep hearing, in song lyrics, in the words of people on the internet, in the confessions of people I love: what do you do when you honestly thought you’d be dead by now? Only to be confronted with your own stubbornly beating heart that refuses to allow you to keep your youth. And you just have to. Keep…going? When the years you lost are the ones everyone tells you are the most important, the ones everyone writes songs about, and books about, and movies about. The only stories anyone seems to think are worth telling; the only lives that seem to matter. How do you grieve that? And how do you let it go?

I am screaming. It’s just inside my own head.

[dichromaniac]

Are we gonna talk about the fact that the first time we meet Barb there's this incredibly charged flirtation where Cooper runs his index finger over hers when they exchange the taffy and how it's a *dishonest* exchange because they're pretending they don't know each other?

And how the Lucy/Ghoul exchange is more honest because they're both showing their true natures and the exchange is violent and permanent???

I can't be the only person obsessed with this parallel.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

thinkin bout magneto's lil list of aliases from that One Shot of his government file or w/e in 97 and how it lists the three main men who've played him (David Hemblen, Ian McKellen, Michael Fassbender) and kinda cackling at the idea 1.) if they included All his names 2.) having 'michael' on that list twice

[emwallas176]

Just finished episode 3x19 (Memoria) and I have a lot of thoughts…

(Firstly, season three will just NOT give Lex a break)

Let’s recap the ep together:

- Lex agrees to have a shady scientist run experiments on him to try and regain the seven weeks he lost during his “psychotic break”

- Clark confronts him and tells him to stop (now I get Clark is concerned about his secret coming out but what the hell. Lex isn’t even trying to dig up anything about Clark at the moment. He lost seven weeks! Of vital memories! Including the fact that his own father drugged him and caused a psychotic break and locked him up in an institution and performed highly dangerous electroshock therapy on him. Clearly Lionel is a threat to Lex’s safety. And the most mind boggling part is that Clark knows all of this! Don’t you think that Lex deserves to know?? Don’t you think that not telling him is actually putting him in danger?? How is Clark justifying that with himself?? Even if he was concerned about Lex knowing his secret. Which I fully believe that Belle Reeve showed that Lex would one hundred percent keep his secret and protect him but I digress. Clark doesn’t have to tell him that bit. If he just told Lex about everything else then he wouldn’t have to go through with the procedure anymore. But he doesn’t. So Lex continues with the experiments)

- anyway, Lex has a psychotic break (again) and remembers repressed memories about his brother Julian who died when he was a baby and

SPOILERS

- turns out Lex’s mother was so terrified after witnessing how Lionel treated Lex (and was probably suffering from post-partum depression) that she goes and kills her son… horrible

- then twelve year old Lex witnesses this and covers for his mom, taking the blame! And suffering Lionel’s misplaced wrath for the next ten years (also since Lex called it a repressed memory during his confrontation with Lionel does that mean that for all these years he truly believed he killed his brother??? Bc if so….)

- also let’s not forget to mention that after getting into it with Clark Lex ends up being the one to save him from the lab after Clark is stuck in a vat of kryptonite (and is Lex thanked? No. Clark accuses Lex of becoming his father. Does he apologize for this? No. Instead he asks Lex why his father hates him so much. Clark Kent you are on thin ice young man.)

* special reminder that the episode before this while under Chloe’s truth serum, Lex admitted that the one thing he wants more than anything is his father to love him. Just in case that provides any context that absolutely breaks your heart.

* also ALSO no one even came to his fucking birthday party!!

I’m burning this whole place to the ground I swear to god. Smallville doesn’t deserve nice things. I’m going to keep Lex right here next to me until they learn to treat him better. IS THIS YOUR VILLAIN? Be fucking fr. You wish he was the villain. You stain his name to try and hide the fact that this boy has more morals and goodness inside of him than you know what to do with. I’m losing my mind.

[firewolf111]

This time we're projecting onto Remus, so..

Tw: intrusive thoughts, heavy mentions of gore/self mutilation and murder/torture, some mild cussing, and hating oneself/thinking oneself is a bad person for intrusive thoughts.

So be warned.

Remus had gotten used to people hating him and his ideas. It was his normal. He had also gotten used to the usual mentions of "intrusive thoughts" as a joke. He had gotten used to ignoring them. But today has been a bad day and the week had been even worse, so he was on the edge and so close to snapping. Though maybe it was more than just a bad week that had him this way, maybe it was the years of repression and denial. The why doesn't matter, it never seemed like it did. Either way, he ends up here despite it starting like every other day.

Roman: *watching a movie* Now, that's not accurate. An alligator wouldn't be that fast on land.

Logan: Actually, alligators can run decently fast. Some say they can sprint up to 35 miles per hour, though only in brief bursts.

Roman: That's disturbing. Imagine just minding your own business and an alligator comes sprinting at you.

Virgil: Now that's an intrusive thought.

Remus: *without thinking* No, that's not.

And he really should keep his mouth shut, but he wasn't known for his filter. So his bad day and awful week bubble beneath his skin and make its way through his blood and into his lungs. He breathes it and coughs it out for all to see. Maybe it was a long time coming. He had grown tired of drowning in it.

Virgil: *looking over* What was that?

Remus: I said, no, it's not.

Virgil: What's not what?

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought.

Virgil: *rolling his eyes* Okay, sorry, Mr. thought police.

And normally, Remus would make a joke. Usually, he was good at playing along. He was the big, scary Duke. But right now, he felt more scared than scary. He felt small. He was so tired.

Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought. I wish it was. I wish it was that simple. That easy.

Virgil: *catching on to the seriousness* Woah. You're right. I'm sorry for downplaying intrusive thoughts.

Remus: *growing frustrated* But it's not just you! It's all of you! It's everyone! It's all a joke to everyone. Because to you, I'm nothing but a poorly timed sex joke or a weird fact. But that isn't the half of it! That's what I let out. What little I can release without being thrown away like the garbage fire I am!

Everyone is looking at him now. Some horror, some concern. A weird mix of the two. He hates it. He craves it. He doesn't know.

Roman: Remus-

And it's that tone of voice. That tone he used when they were younger. When Remus would get hurt fighting monsters in the imagination or wake screaming from a nightmare. He hates it. He craves it. He still doesn't fucking know. And it burns and it boils and it builds and builds and he breaks.

Remus: Stop. *It's more a plea than a command, and he wants to take it back. To try again. To undo the entire conversation because it is too open for him*

Janus: *taking a step forward* Remus, listen-

He doesn't, because he is a fire that burns too bright. An explosion waiting to happen. He's a stomach full of gasoline, and he's been choking on matches for a while. He tries to swallow down the smoke, and instead, he lights the blaze.

Remus: No, you listen! Stop trying to silence me! You don't like the things I say? Try being in my brain! Try dealing with them constantly! The thoughts you hear are tame compared to what goes on up there!

And oh, he's crying. He wants to tear out his eyes. To stop the traitorous tears that run down his cheeks. Will they eventually erode his skin? Will the others realize how broken he is and leave? A thousand thoughts. Like always. He never gets a break.

Remus: *dejected* You don't get it.

Janus: Then tell us.

He debates screaming that that had never worked before, but he is tired. So he complies.

Remus: Do you know what it's like to see people talk about their intrusive thoughts? How much it burns when someone makes a joke about it or assumes it's the same as impulsiveness. For fuck's sake, it burns enough when someone explains their intrusive thoughts to be about throwing something at someone or pushing someone.

Remus: *running his hands harshly through his hair* And how fucked up is that? To be jealous of something like that? But I wish my thoughts were just shit like that. Those are tame for me. I feel relieved when my thoughts are those ones.

Remus: But I rarely see people talking about the extreme ones. Is it just me? Because most people don't talk about the vivid images of murdering your family in brutal ways. Of torture methods and having such intense thoughts of using them on someone or doing something worse. Or losing your appetite because all you can think about is how it would feel to throw up your organs into the trash or tear your intestines out of your gut. To stare at your wrist and want to tear out your tendons, fighting the urge to dig into it. I have to be careful when scratching my face near my eye so I don't mindlessly dig my fingernails in because I get the strong urge to just pluck them out!

Remus: And don't get me started on the detailed thoughts that don't just stop on one image. The ones that are so detailed and thought out that it forms a plan in your head. A plan so carefully crafted, you can't help but wonder if you actually want to do it. *he's yanking at his hair now, unsure when he started* I don't. I swear I don't. But I have an entire plan in my head that plays out and I can't stop it. What if I do want to do it? Maybe I am a bad person.

Everyone looks horrified. He's done it. Now they'll kick him out for good because they know the monster he truly is. And yet, when he speaks the final sentence, something shifts. Roman and Janus snap out of it and step forward, already speaking reassurances.

Janus: You can't control your thoughts. They don't make you a bad person.

Roman: Re-no. That's not true

But he isn't listening. He's sinking out with a muttered "I'm a monster." Janus and Roman shout after him. Maybe Virgil does too. Maybe Patton and Logan call out, or maybe they don't. It doesn't matter.

The question isn't who comes find him, or how long or where. The question isn't what they say to him.

The question is: Will he finally find relief?

Because when the enemy is your own mind, that's a hard thing to do.

[sympathytea]

gay people will really just keep their crush in a death loop, tell them that they'll forget its even happening, die, then resurrect in their enemy's bed, fight their enemy who is still recovering from their last death and when their heart races they flee the scene and leave behind their weapon in their enemy's room

like my leige, this is the most problematic way you could handle your feelings please go to therapy

[narugen]

i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.

to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.

narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore

(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)

like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)

and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..

[onekeii]

What's for dessert?

Day 10: Surprise visit Collar x Malice: Sasazuka Takeru x Reader Warnings/Genre: fluff, making out, slightly suggestive Word count: 838 Summary: You surprise each other for Christmas.  AN: japanese ppl absolutely do not eat a british roast dinner for christmas but just go with it

You and Takeru made no plans for Christmas; the two of you had more pressing life-or-death issues on your minds, but you weren’t about to let that stop you. Even if it’s last minute, and even if it’s just the two of you, you’re determined to make Takeru enjoy this Christmas (and finally eat some proper food).

So, you enter his flat, turkey and brussel sprouts in hand, and sneak straight past his room into the kitchen. He’s so busy tapping away at his keyboard that he doesn’t even notice you - perfect.

It takes hours, of course, and you mentally prepare yourself for him to walk in before you finish. Yet, predictable as ever, he doesn’t step foot in the kitchen, nor can you even hear him leave his room. I’m not convinced he’s human, you think to yourself.

You’re taking the turkey out of the oven - the final piece of your festive endeavour - when you catch a flash of green in the corner of your eye. You nearly drop the oven tray on the floor.

You only regain your balance because you’d yet to take the tray out fully. Before a serious accident can occur, you carefully place it onto the counter and push it further inwards - for good measure.

Finally, you spin around on your heels to face your straight-faced boyfriend. “Surprise!” you exclaim, clapping your gloved hands together.

“I think I surprised you more,” his voice is steady and monotonous, the only emotion displayed on his face is the slight curve of his mouth into a lopsided smirk. He traipses over and plants a kiss onto your forehead, playfully rubbing it in as his hand messes through your hair.

Takeru glances at all the food laid out neatly on the table: crisped potatoes, assorted veggies, stuffing, pigs in blankets, and a space in the middle reserved, assumedly, for the turkey.

“So this is what you were doing?” he muses. For a moment you think that, maybe, he’s impressed. “I was wondering why you were making all that noise.”

Whoops. A blush creeps onto your cheeks as you turn your attention back to the turkey, carefully shuffling it onto a plate. “You knew?”

“Of course, I knew,” Takeru sighs. He plops himself down onto a chair, “You’re not very subtle.”

“Y-yeah,” you place the meat in the middle and sit across from him, your hands a tangled and panicked mess in your lap, “I wanted to do something nice for you, for Christmas.”

“It is nice,” you hear him say. When you shoot your head up, he’s smiling. It’s that rare one you hardly see - it’s not laced with cockiness or mockery, it’s just gentle. You smile back, “I’m glad.”

By the end of the meal, your brain is foggy with the sheer amount you’ve eaten. You glance over at your boyfriend, unphased despite eating most of the food, and grow a little envious. At least he enjoyed it, that’s good.

“So,” he rests his chin on his hand, “what’s for dessert?”

Crap. You were so distracted by how long your shopping list had grown that you completely forgot to add something sweet on there. That was rule number one with Takeru, how could you forget? You jolt awake from your looming food coma with adrenaline.

“I’ll make something real quick!” you announce. You could’ve sworn there were a few baking ingredients left behind from the last time you were here - perhaps that would be enough for him. 

When you try to scramble out of your seat and beeline to the cupboards, you don’t make it very far. A hand around your wrist yanks you backwards and you feel yourself fall, air whooshing past your ears at frightening speeds.

But you land in Takeru’s lap, his free arm holding you upright to face him. His expression is unreadable - all you can see is his face so close to yours, his breath warm on your lips.

And he kisses you.

Eyes wide open, you’re too shocked to react at first. Just a second ago you were trying to remember how to make sponge cake, or maybe cookies, and now Takeru’s lips were on yours, his tongue gliding through the delicious parting your surprise left him.

You let him in, melting in his hands so easily, and thread your fingers through his messy green hair in a desperate attempt to pull him even closer.

Takeru’s hands roam from your back to your soft thighs, he smiles into your kiss when you squirm at his touch adventuring further and further up your leg, under the hem of your skirt. He takes advantage of your little gasps and pushes his tongue deeper, wanting to explore you completely.

He’s the first to pull away and you follow for a second, unwilling to let go. His signature smirk makes you pout.

“You’re sweet enough for me,” he says.

Reaching up to cup his cheek, you pull him close again so that your lips are practically touching. “Good,” you whisper, and attack again. 

@12daysofchristmas

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[cbartonscoffee]

My favourite thing about Good Omens and everything that went into creating it, is that I can't see the characters as their actors. At least not Aziraphale and Crowley. I literally can't. What do you mean that's Michael Sheen? That's Aziraphale, they're an angel. That Crowley is who? He's just a good ol' demon. And I say this sincerely, I can't overlap the characters and the actors. The costumes, the mannerisms, they just exist as a separate entity. Crowley and Aziraphale on one side, David and Michael on the other.

[divorcingjimmatthews]

every time i get notifications on this post it's someone calling the show bad writing because "there would be no story if the characters just talked to each other" and i want to respectfully disagree. i believe the show goes to great lengths to explain why the characters don't always share all that they know with each other. so much character conflict in the show is literally about this. it would not make any sense for boyd to share all that he knows with jade of all people

boyd has military training and it is well established that he treats the town residents as civilians to protect while only sharing important information with his trusted circle (khatri, kenny, kristi), with sara when necessary and with donna. not only is this in line with him being a military officer but is also reinforced by what he has experienced so far in the town, given that everyone was completely helpless until he arrived and found the talismans. also, it is well established that acting on said information can bring terrible consequences and boyd knows this better than anyone. of course he is careful with what he shares

what i am getting at is that jade will have to earn boyd's trust if he wants to be told about the worms and the lighthouse and the dead monster and the spider and the boy in white and everything else. which makes perfect sense! i'm sure boyd is already surprised to see jade acting so normal given how hard he clowned when they first met. i am looking forward to see how their dynamic continues to develop ‼️

[alchemania]

Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.

Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!

It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.

[apollocabinrep]

That one fanfic series with Percy being a "son of Aphrodite" (it's a whole thing, he's adopted.) has me hyperfixating on Castor and I haven't finished the 2nd fic yet, but istg I will be fighting someone if Castor doesn't get his man back. It's actually so foul-. I can't even say more without spoiling it 😭😭😭

[sh5]

[butchharts]

idk if any other older siblings can relate but when it comes to relationships I genuinely like to be looked after and taken care of since I didn’t get to experience that much growin up 😭

[thekingofspin]

I wonder how video game characters would react if they could actually see the character we play as the way we're playing them

specifically the way I play as them

like I'm playing mw2 and whenever there's a dramatic high stakes moment I'm just jumping up and down and climbing on various objects like a cat with adhd

everyone's having a very important conversation and they look over and soaps just army crawling across the floor for absolutely no reason whatsover

imagine how that would go down irl

like you're in special forces trying to disarm a bomb or something and you turn around to find one of your team mates crawling on the ground, you look away again and you find another jumping up and down on the controls to disarm the missile and the third is doing ballet spins around the control room

I don't think that would go down well

[sonofapunk]

Btw as much as I feel for losing a former member of mcr (probably the main reason I feel sad about it) I also don't think white fans (like me) have ANY right to tell fans of color that they can't celebrate Bob's death. I might be sad because of the ache of losing a contributor to art that means a lot to me, but in NO world does that give me the right to tell someone they can't make memes about the death of racist. Sorry!

I am sad because I don't believe anyone deserves death, because I don't believe in punitive justice. But I also don't believe people are bad for feeling vengeful feelings against someone who actively harmed their community. As a trans person, I especially feel that with Bob. I didn't like him. I am sad about his death. Those can exist together, as much as letting people celebrate Bob's death while also understanding it was a brutal way to go. No one is happy about the three weeks before he was found part. But if someone is happy a racist died, I don't think it's my or other white people's place to tell fans of color they shouldn't feel that way.