#someone else finding those tags and getting sucked into that community the way i did TEN YEARS AGO is not ok??

[complexapparatus]

By the Fucking Way. If Tumblr could stop recommending pro ed Tumblr tags in the year of our lord 20-fucking-23, that'd be great!! I don't want the top suggestion when I type "I want to" to be "I want to be weightess" or the top suggested for "tw" to be "tw ana diary " ! Get your shit together you miserable fucking excuse for a platform!

[wind-becomes-lightning]

Bye to Wind and Lightning

TLDR: I AM WHINY AND IM GOING TO MOVE BLOGS TO A SMALLER ONE WHERE NOBODY KNOWS ME. EITHER @kikuneesama FOR GENERAL STUFF OR @konohamaru-sensei FOR ANIME STUFF.

Did you know that in 2020 when the pandemic held us all in a chokehold I decided to reread One Piece and Bleach, but consciously decided not to touch Naruto, as if I knew that I'd be sucked in real bad if I read it again? I was right. In 2021, I randomly thought "No, I will read it now" and then I did and boom I talked about nothing else for that summer and to channel my thoughts I made this blog right here separate from my main and not as a sideblog. I wanted to start completely over at a different place.

I had a terrible summer in 2021, constant mental breakdown. I don't want to bore you with the details because you don't care, but just being back doing the stuff I loved when I was 16 was such a blessing. I was truly happy in the first months here, especially with the discord servers and the oc talk and the friends I made. My boyfriend commented on it all the time, that I looked so very happy. And I was! But these things never stay.

The problem with me is, I want community, I want to talk headcanons and to bitch about characters I don't like and promote ships I love and cry and laugh and hug all of you for liking the same things as me and at the same time I'm terrified of rejection, of people hating me, of people spreading lies behind my back. I guess school does traumatise you in some way.

I can't survive in a cutthroat fandom like this one, I take things too personally too quickly. I don't understand that if you, a normal person with your own wishes, likes a thing I don't like or dislike a thing I like it doesn't mean you automatically hate me. You are just a different person and that is ok! It's not you. It's me. NO I'm not just saying that. It really is me.

Did you know that when I started out here I didn't tag my stuff? Especially not my OC stuff (and I still rarely tag it). The fear that someone might find it, hate on it, send me hate, make fun of it etc, sits so deep that I rather have my work not be seen at all. Yet, I need the attention to keep going because without the reblogs and likes and asks I feel like an utter failure.

My boyfriend says I am not good with the public eye on me and he is probably right. I envy those of you who can stand their ground and be self confident in their arguments. I envy those who don't care what others say, who can block and move on, who don't get a knot in their stomach when someone they had nice interactions with unfollows. I shouldn't care, but I do.

On my first tumblr blog I never looked at my followers, I never got asks either or was deep in fandom or anything, but I reblogged my stuff and posted my thoughts and was feeling good. I love tumblr, its the best social media out there for a reason. Yet, with this one, I got so self conscious about my followers, about what I can and can't say. If my presence would offend or not etc etc.

I was kinda looking forward to 1000 Followers because it is an insane number, but now at 997 I'm throwing in the towel. Isn't that like giving up before the finish line? Maybe, but I'm so tired and I want to be unknown again. I want to be nobody again. I want the naruto fandom to move on and forget I was ever here.

So I'm leaving! Sorry, I guess! At least for a good while. I might be back to finish the requests still pending on this account and then disappear again, but I don't know if I'll ever permanently come back. If you by any chance really, really really care about my presence, you can find me under @kikuneesama as a general spam blog with all sorts of things and under @konohamaru-sensei for anime-only stuff. This is also where my Naruto posting will be moving.

If you are a moot I will follow you from Kikuneesama again.

Thanks, I guess, for over two years of hanging out. I'm sorry I am such a lame loser.

One thing is for sure: Though I am moving to a blog named after Konohamaru, Kakashi will always be my love.

tschüss und auf wiedersehen, ~Nisi

PS: I'll q this a couple of times so I'm sorry if you have to see it a few times in the next few days. I swear I'll be gone after that.

[aheathen-conceivably]

Did someone say Simblr Gratitude Day? ✨

Y’all will have to forgive me for not having more prepared to show the immense gratitude I have for y’all today (a special thank you to @armoricaroyalty for the idea!) so please instead have a characteristic rant because I love you all and I can’t let that go without being said!

There’s no possible way for me to tag everyone I am grateful for because there is/has been so many of you who have helped and inspired me along the way. Also there’s so many of you who make the community what it is by reading or sharing, so I want to thank all of you beyond just those mutuals and content creators I appreciate. So thank you…

❤️ To all my Fellow Simblrs both big and small:

I know how utterly strange this little hobby can be. It can suck you in and spit you back out, take our attention for weeks and months at a time and then burn you out. It can be immensely fulfilling, creatively inspiring, and then exhausting. Thank you all for continuing to post here every day, for making this community a vibrant and lively space for those who have been here for years, the teenage simblrs just finding their sea legs, and for the new people stumbling into the community every day. Thank you for inspiring me and welcoming me and making me want to come back every day!

❤️ To my fellow Decades and Historical simmers:

What a strange and serendipitous moment when I fell into this little niche world. I would never have thought there were so many of us who find so much joy in combining these two hobbies and interests, so to see you all out here thriving and creating was a wonderful moment. Thank you to CC creators/mod makers/recolorers/builders/pose makers/and anyone else who makes this possible at all. Without y’all how could we transform this game into the historical wonderland we’ve come to love?

Another huge thank you to anyone who’s ever posted their decades challenge or historical content, to those doing gameplay or those who fell down the challenge to storytelling pipeline (hello it’s me) or those who share their edits and lookbooks. Y’all have all inspired me more than y’all can know.

❤️ To my mutuals and simblr besties:

The moment we utter ~mutuals~ on this site y’all know exactly what I mean. Like a little telekinetic bond that when I see your content or you see mine you know that’s exactly why we’re here, and I’ll support you every damn time. Thank you to those in the notes, those I speak to regularly, and those who I may not know as well; y’all are all the lifeblood of my dash and I have found many little icons I know immediately. Even if I don’t see you for a while you’re still in my mind and I’m so grateful for that.

A special above and beyond shoutout to those who have helped make the story happen at all. Those who have patiently walked me through technical skills and editing techniques and those who read my rough drafts and give me absolutely invaluable feedback. And of course those who finally pulled me down the reshade rabbit hole despite my unbecoming stubbornness. Y’all know who y’all are and seriously, would I even still be writing without y’all?

❤️ To anyone who has ever read, engaged with, or enjoyed my story:

I just…I cannot even possibly fathom how to show my gratitude to y’all. I never intended for my small little hobby to completely take over my brain, or for my decades challenge to become a story to this degree. But little by little it has done so, and I have y’all to thank for that. To those in the community who found me when I was a baby simblr and reblogged me, or those who encouraged me when getting more than 10 notes a post was an exciting feat. To anyone who has enjoyed a single picture or a single post, to the casual readers, and those who have jumped aboard along the way.

I am grateful for every interaction. Every single like and comment and reblog brings joy to my day and inspiration to continue creating. But a very special thank you to those I see in my notes every story post, who have been here from the beginning or gone back to read the story despite having literally hundreds of posts to go through. To those that know my characters and take the time to comment on them with emotion and investment. For all the joy this community brings me, those are the moments when I’m really stunned at my presence here and this little space you’ve all helped me create, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you all ❤️

[foggyparadisecandy]

I know this is going to sound like I'm bragging or something. The truth is I focus on the negatives way more than the positives and I'm doing my best to recognize and respect my kinder side.

Hopefully it gives some of you who struggle with low self-esteem the motivation to make this shift too. I know how hard it is to see our positive attributes and positive impacts we have on others.

So take this as an example from my life, and see if you can find the things in your life that you can embrace to feel good about yourself.

This is kind of an example of the post I wrote last week about latching on to "real" affirmations to help boost self-esteem. Meaning that we should look at things that are based in the real world and real interactions to build around, as opposed to those statements like "I'm successful" "people like me" "I'm a winner" etc - that, for many of us, our minds will IMMEDIATELY reject because we truly don't see ourselves that way.

Those blanket statements of positivity, well-meaning as they are meant to be, actually end up reinforcing our negative images because our minds say "no ... we aren't that way ... we suck". (go dig up that post for more details - click the "on topic" tag and it's easy to find - UPDATE: Click here for the post).

Anyway ... lol ...

I'm pretty kind and open in my communication styles and do my best to be empathetic and caring. This extends to my work and the people I manage.

I won't go into details but one of my people is leaving our company to go to work for someone else in a few months. I've been working with this person for eight years and mentored and supported their advancement, doing my best to make sure they had everything they needed for success.

They wrote me a very sweet letter last week telling me how much I've meant to them and how I helped them build up their ego and self-esteem. I always made them feel included and important - valued and respected. She told me she and her husband both love me and appreciate everything we've done and how I have supported them both at work and in their personal challenges.

Fuck. NGL I'm so emotional these days, I cried reading that letter.

You never know how you touch other people by just being kind and respectful.

I've been blessed to get a lot of those unsolicited positive feedback messages over the last few months as I've reconnected with old friends. I need to remember these things next time I want to have a pity party or beat myself up.

I hope all of you can think of kindnesses and love you have put out in the world and remind yourself of the same.

I feel we are measured in life by what we put out there.

Be kind to others ... and ... this is the hard one for so many of us ... to yourself!!!

I've started to realize the depths and breadth of my kindness to others. And I've NEVER been kind to myself. Always a harsh word. Always a "why did I fuck up?"

I am changing ... slowly ... it's fucking hard. But I hope you take strength from my journey and see that it is possible. I'm no saint. I'm not some special person.

I'm just kind and caring and empathetic. I know a lot of you are the same. To others. Now flip it around and give some of that to yourself.

You deserve it.

My love to you.

[batboyblog]

Things I like about Tumblr, 2022

first off, Tumblr isn't perfect, it's full of people, and people in general and on-line can be pretty crap, but in a rare move for me I'm looking at the good.

you are not expected to post under your own name/face. In fact people would think you were pretty freaking weird if you did. To the Best of my knowledge only one person posts under their own name with their face as a profile pic, Hi Neil Gaiman! If we keep this up Tumblr will not become a semi-work space like twitter

No one knows your follower count (and honestly you shouldn't know it either) The level of brain rot I see on twitter around having a big follower count is so embarrassing, "help me get to X million!" is so very cringe, much like blue checks its a meaningless thing and we're all better off not knowing who's "popular" there are popular posts not people.

I have a very popular post about the long term nature of Tumblr so I won't go too much into it other than to say that it's nice that we can have long term jokes and memes on here, because we're able to reblog things from the past without any shame and judgement and so a culture and in jokes and yearly (or weekly) events happen here in a way I don't see on more "now! now! now!" social media.

You can do whatever, linking to #1 because we're not a semi-professional webpage where people are selling their "brand" etc there's little to no pressure (outside of yourself) to stay on topic or theme, you can and should reblog that gif set of a funny show from 10 years ago, that moody art shot of a field before a storm, and that short video of puppies falling over, wild out.

You decide if people see your likes. How many times did people get busted for having porn in their Twitter likes, where here no one can judge you, again we're not a work space so if you like that picture of a man in jock strap, go for it reblog that shit, but if you're shy don't worry you can enjoy what you enjoy without having to share with the class.

We hate crypto, we hate NFT, we always have we always will and thats very sexy of us

you can (still) say what you like. The need to make platforms safe for advisors and influencers has lead to "unalive" and other ways to try to get around using bad words. On Tumblr I can say that Elon Musk sucks a whole bucket of monkey shit and I hope he's pushed down the stairs at Twitter HQ.

Tags my beloved, tags are funny, lovely cool little notes, a way to add a joke, say something heart felt etc without worrying "is this needed?" and guess what if the answer was "yes it was" someone will screen shot them and add them to the post for you, win win.

Long form thought, I know this is a semi-jokey list but like no joking I think having all our politicians, journalists and "thought leaders" spending all day on and mainly communicating through a webpage with a very small character limit was/is very bad for our society. Tumblr (as you can see) you can write an essay (I don't think those people should come here, but I never run out of characters)

there's nowhere better for formatting gifs or picture sets, I honestly can't imagine trying to post a series of gifs or pictures on Insta or Twitter and having them all folded up rather than laid out in order all visible at once (and not cropped down, well most of the time)

There's no algorithm, everyone says it but it needs to be on the list, there's no real hand holding pushing you to this or that, there's nothing boosting or hiding your post, you pick what you like and follow it, and then those blogs do something weird and different and thats chill and you keep on.

we're the gay trans sex website, pretty much no where else on-line can you find this much dumb, non sequitur queer humor or as supportive of the trans experience, yes there are TERFs but they are more fringe here than basically any where else.

we just don't matter, back to #1 we are not a place where you can market yourself or your brand or whatever, as such things are just not that serious, this is a social media website made for fun, to enjoy TV, books, and movies mainly but really whatever you do enjoy.

negative I'd like to address before I go, the on-going porn ban, I'm not in favor of porn itself on here, I don't think we need gif sets of studio porn or whatever. But once Tumblr was a safe space for a lot of queer performers to spread their self made work. It also was a safe space for Queer art, both photographic and drawn, to express sensuality and sexuality. And a safe space for Queer artists to draw art of characters totally fucking the shit out of each other. It was a place where enjoyment of the human form and sexuality could be mixed with all the other parts of life as normal. There were for sure problems, however in an ever more censored and sex negative world I think a freed Tumblr is more needed than ever, so I hope we figure that out soon.

[rotting-in-your-arms]

Twitter is Not Copying Tumblr

Nearly every site before Twitter had practically unlimited post length. Twitter finally ditching 140/280 characters (exclusively for Blue subscribers) means they got with the times, if the times were 15 years ago. This isn't "copying Tumblr", it's copying every site built around posting text.

Once again, this is something basically every social media platform and website that accepts user-generated content would end up doing. Twitter didn't copy Tumblr, they were trying to stay functionally relevant with every other site.

See above.

Neither of you should even have one in the first place; I only excuse Tumblr Ad-Free because the site needs that money to run, and I like having a site I enjoy stay afloat (and perfectly good features aren't locked behind it as a paywall, unlike Twitter.)

And Tumblr copied its tabs from TikTok; therefore, one could argue that Twitter was also copying from TikTok, not Tumblr.

Wordpress is not Tumblr, Tumblr is not Wordpress- even if Wordpress owns Tumblr. Twitter had polls before Tumblr did.

Once again, neither of you should have this to begin with. I've quite literally never seen a single example of someone using Post+ in my life. I've never even seen someone say they've used Post+, or seen someone else use it.

And Twitter effectively doesn't have tags because they take up valuable 140/280 character space instead of having their own dedicated section like Tumblr's. As someone who uses Twitter, I rarely see people actually using tags, unlike Tumblr.

You're right, because Twitter wasn't designed with those things in mind and never will be.

Once again. Not copying Tumblr directly. Every other website in the space has an edit feature, Twitter just paywalled theirs.

Things Twitter has Not Executed Better

Targeted ads on the internet are inherently a bad thing and they've always been that way. Don't talk about them like they're good.

Metrics, or: something no user really needs to care about. If anything, having fewer post metrics would be better for people in general.

I've literally never seen a soul use Twitter's List feature, and Twitter's ability to handle communities is strictly worse than Tumblr's (in my opinion, as someone who uses both sites).

I would give you this one if Twitter didn't lock DMs to 500 sent/day for free and unlimited with Blue. Once again, they did not need a subscription plan.

Twitter's search feature sucks and will simply not find posts that match the search criteria 1-for-1, I've had this happen to me remarkably consistently. Tumblr's search feature is still broken, by the way.

They didn't need to and you didn't either. Literally remove Tumblr Live, or at the very least allow an option to permanently hide it instead of having a weekly snooze option.

Twitter will go down for an hour because a fly landed on a server rack, especially post-Musk. The mobile app is an unusable minefield of ads and terrible UI/UX decisions. Same applies to Tumblr's mobile app, too. They don't crash much, but they're not enjoyable to use.

Reblogs are more well-designed and engaging and I think most of the Tumblr userbase would agree with that sentiment. They might be harder to navigate or interact with- but they're more fun and interesting.

"What did I miss?"

You missed the fucking point, Matt. People are clamoring about Tumblr copying Twitter because of the horrendous UI changes. The ones that look literally identical to Twitter's awful UI. Remember when Twitter's layout got updated to what it is today, just a few years ago, and everyone hated it? It's just like that, but with Tumblr.

"literally every site with the number of features we have has side nav" Have you considered that maybe that's a bad thing. Taking cues from every other site and stripping your own of its uniqueness doesn't do anything good for anyone; it just makes people upset. Will people end up getting used to the new layout? Yeah, that's what they did with Twitter's UI years ago. That didn't make it a good change. Same principle applies to Tumblr's new UI; it's objectively a bad change, but people will ultimately just live with it if it never gets fixed.*

(*permanently reverted)

have a nice day!! ^_^

- Eva

Twitter is Copying Us, not vice versa

I keep getting asks saying "stop copying Twitter." We're not! If anything it's going the other way with them copying us.

Long posts, which were on Tumblr first.

Mixing text and rich media, which Tumblr did first.

If we go way back, supporting images and embedding media in the first place, which Twitter didn't used to do. (Remember twimg and Photobucket?)

A premium upgrade, which we did on Tumblr first.

They copied our tabs.

Polls, which were on WP.com/Jetpack first.

Subscriptions to individual creators, which we did first with Post+.

Tags existed on Tumblr first.

We have Asks! And custom domains! And custom themes!

We supported editing first, you couldn't do that on Twitter until relatively recently.

Now obviously they have 20x the monthly users we do, so have executed better in a number of ways:

Their native ads provide much more targeting.

Per-post metrics.

Lists and communities.

Direct Messaging. (Though theirs is still not great.)

Much more robust and real-time search.

They did livestreaming first.

Their apps and web QA seem more stable. I've never experienced an app crash there.

It's easier to navigate RTs and comment/reply to them than reblogs.

What did I miss?

[tendousthoughts]

HQ Boys Thinking Their S/O Left Them Pt. 4

Character(s) included: Kenma & Suna

Requested by: My sibling who doesn't read my work lmao.

Warning(s): Cursing, Mention of alcohol [Kenma]

Song of the day: Tired by Beabadoobee

A/N: First off please check out my announcements post. It has a lot of important Information in it and I would really enjoy it if you checked it out! Next this is requested by my wonderful sibling. Hopefully you all enjoy- also how's my new stuff..? Tell me if its ugly lmao.. I recommend having the palette/theme set to Goth Rave for the best look- I might make a few things a darker purple though! This might be the last part to this series unless anyone wants a few more!

Where to find all the parts!

Where to find all my content!

Tag(s): @chibiiichann & @corporeal-terrestrial

Kenma

Things were rough after Kenma landed his dream gig. Being a full time gamer had always been and always would be his dream. But now it was reality. He finally made it in the big league. He was finally there. It was perfect.. but soon enough flaws started to appear outside of his career. Which soon turned into flaws in the relationship. Kenma was known to be smart, calculated, and quiet. Even though all those seemed nice at times it was hard. Like any relationship things didn’t always work out. One of those being the communication. To be frank, there was no communication. At all.

You liked to drink and party. Hang out with friends and just live life to the fullest.. but even if you did like that, you loved just to cuddle. Which luckily you and Kenma shared. As time grew and his career finally branched into what he hoped it would, your time of physical affection shortened. Which sucked.. you loved physical affection. It was your love language. You couldn’t help it, whenever you saw him you just wanted to lay and be with him. But now that you couldn’t, you slowly branched out to others for what you couldn’t have. When that worked.. you just stuck with it. Getting drunk with friends and cuddling until one of your more sober friends called up Kenma and told him to pick you up. Kenma hated it. He really hated it. He hated to see you holding on to someone else, it didn’t matter what they looked like, what they identified as, or who they were. All that mattered was they weren’t him so they had no right to be that close.

Kenma likes to play games and stay home. He liked to be somewhere quiet and such. So every week when he had to go to pick you up, he sorta wondered if he didn’t pick you up what would happen..? Of course he wouldn’t do so though.. you had so many people eyeing you.. you were popular with everyone and extremely kind. So if he did leave you.. it would be as easy as it was for you to get a new cuddle partner as to get a new place to sleep. He trusted you.. well he kind of did. He wasn't good at expressing how he felt especially when it came to you or something you liked.

You got black out drunk the night before and when you walked into the kitchen you felt the heavy atmosphere. “Good morning baby..” you muttered rubbing your eyes. Your lips felt dry and your throat was raspy. Maybe you were screaming or something.. whatever it was fun.

“I don’t want you calling me that at the moment.” He stated. Which caught you off guard. Looking up your eyes were met with his. Clear confusion all over your face. “What? Did you really get that drunk to not remember being all over your friend last night..?  Calling them baby and shit. If that’s a name you just throw around please just refer to me as my name..” He muttered.

“Oh you know I didn’t mean too baby.. I love you and you know that.. you're the only one who makes me happy… but right now I'm having a headache so do you mind passing me the coffee..?” you muttered brushing everything to the side which only made him more frustrated with you. you did this every time. You pushed everything that wasn’t in your interest to the side.

“Look at you doing it again. You always do this,” he looked at you annoyed and frustrated. “Pushing everything to the side. Do you not understand how annoying it is to get a call at three in the morning that you're drunk. Not only that but that you're all over someone else. Do you not understand or do you just not care because seriously it's getting hard to think that you are just that, your heads just that blank.”

You were caught off guard. Of course you were, he never responded roughly like that. He never acted so upset with you. To be honest you never really thought about how he had to pick you up and stuff. You never thought about what happened the night before to be frank. You were a party drunk. You liked to sing and dance and cuddle and such. All the things Kenma couldn’t or wouldn’t do with you, you did with anyone else when you were drunk. It wasn’t that you wanted to blame being drunk on acting that way, so you just waited till you did get drunk. It was more, when you were sober you tried to get Kenma to do those things with you. Which most of the time ended badly because you would just be shut down again. “You know I don’t mean to do those things.”

“You don’t mean too?” He looked upset, really upset. You saw him upset often, frustrated with how the game was turning out and such, but this was different. He looked more hurt than anything. “You do it every week. Every single week you go out and drink you go out and party and sing and dance and have the fucking time of your life okay? Then when your all tired and cuddled up with a friend. I get a call to pick you up. When I get there you're either on their lap with your arms around them, on their side and holding them tight, or in between their legs as they cuddle you from the back. Not only that but when I try and help you up you more then half the time push me away, and then say you wanna go home with your ‘baby’! I’m getting sick and tired of it. You wake up the next morning and act as if the whole night you were just thinking of me and how you just wanna cuddle and all this shit. I am so fucking sick of you this. I’m so sick of you drinking. I am so fucking sick of you.” He was shouting. He was pissed and of course he was. But this time he just blew up. He didn’t even wait for a response to anything. “I’m going to go stream don’t fucking bug me.” He walked away walking into his streaming room. Once they slam the door leaving you in utter shock.

It took you a moment to take in everything. You messed up. It was your fault. He was hurt. Your lover was in pain because of your stupid actions. You grabbed your stuff, shoving it into your pocket and walked out. It was hard to think of anything but Kenma right now. Slowly you walked to the park. The leaves fell from the trees, when you looked around you saw couples wearing matching scarves and such. The smell of chai and pumpkin in every corner. Meeting your gaze you saw Kenma’s favorite bakery. Slowly you walked over opening the door and you immediately noticed this pie section. You made your way over biting your lip and you looked up at the sudden voice.

“Y/n.. is that you?” As you eye’s met the other you immediately recognized Bokuto.

“Oh hey.. nice to see you again.” You smiled weakly. Unfortunately your eyes were wet and glossy as soon as you walked into the bakery, and you didn’t know if you could handle pushing down the tears anymore.

“Where’s Kenma..? Are you okay..?” He asked softly, gently rubbing your back as he seemed to be alone at the moment. You didn’t wanna cause any more issues but you couldn’t help it, immediately you started to cry.

“I messed up, I really messed up..” you mutter as he gently leads you to a seat.

“Hey everything will be okay.. just tell me what’s wrong. I know you can work through it okay..? We can do it!” he smiled. He had always been a big brother to you. He knew just what to say to calm you down.

“I got drunk again and this time I just was a mess I guess.. and Kenma seems to be getting tired of me and me doing this. Doing all this dumb shit and messing around. But I just.. I don’t know. I wanna cuddle and hug and go on dates. But Kenma just got his dream job and I don’t wanna fuck it up. I know its so fucking selfish. I shouldn’t do this to him. I know I shouldn’t. I deserve to get yelled at and stuff I mean seriously.. he has to pick me up at three every fucking week because I’m to stupid to tell him how I feel and how I just want to be held and stuff. I just wonder sometimes.. Maybe I am not as perfect as I thought I was for Kenma. He needs someone who can be there for him all the time and I know I just know that I will keep fucking up..” You were shaking. “I mean seriously.. I am not even able to tell him I love him much less tell him about how his job is bugging me. It’s the one thing he wanted to do. The one fucking thing he really wanted to do. I just wasn’t able to support him.. I couldn’t.. I just keep hurting him..” tears were rolling down your face.

“Y/n.. hey it's okay, but he will never know anything if you keep holding it to yourself. Kenma has always been like that. He gets bugged by things but won’t say anything until he is at his limit. He never understood the importance of communication.. and he never ever takes the first steps okay? I understand that you're frustrated but you knew when you got into a relationship with him what type of person he is. You knew he was hard to understand. You told me you did. But I don’t think that you would give up this easily. You and him are the same, there will never be an understanding between you too if you guys don’t talk it out. Okay..? I suggest you get some pie and walk back to talk it out with him. I mean to be honest his stream today seems to be a mess. So it must really be bugging him and it would be better to figure it out sooner don’t you think..?” He smiled softly as you nodded. “Good. I have to go but look if you ever need to talk just message me okay? I’ve got your back!” He smiled, getting up and walking out.

You got up and bought two slices of apple pie and started to walk back. It was going to be tough to do this but you needed to. You knew you needed too.

Kenma couldn’t stay concentrated so the stream only lasted ten minutes before he turned it off and went back out to the living room. Which is when he found out you had left. Sadly his first thought was that you had gone drinking so he called up one of your friends to ask. When he found out you hadn’t he was even more worried. He looked around for a moment before he sat on the couch and held a pillow waiting. Hoping you would come back home. He wanted to fix this. He went too far. He knew he did. He knew he did of course he did. He knew he blew up, he always did and he tried not to but it was so fucking hard.

When you came into the room you immediately saw him lying on the couch cuddled up and crying. “What have I done..” You whispered softly as you made it next to you gently placed the pie down and looked at him. “I am sorry..” he looked up to you a bit and immediately his face changed.

“Oh thank god you're okay..” he whispered softly, “I didn’t me-”

You cut him off, “I messed up. I knew I did and I just want you to listen okay? I love you and I know I rarely say it. For a matter of a fact I can count the amount of times I’ve said it with one hand. I know I need to say it more okay? I know I shouldn’t drink but it is just really hard sometimes.. I just wanna go on dates and hold you and shit and I know it sounds so fucking stupid but sometimes I just get worried that if I do you will get sick of me faster okay..? So I just thought it would be easier to do it with my friends and stuff and get drunk and try to not bug you. You just got your dream job and I just don’t wanna fuck anything up more but I clearly have. I know I’m stupid and inconsiderate and I will think about it more.. just please don’t leave. Please. I will be better I swear.” You tried not to cry but you couldn’t help yourself.

Slowly he pulled you to him and held you tight. “I wasn’t planning to leave you anytime soon.. It is my fault I always don’t pay attention and It ends up hurting you and I know I should try and think about your feelings more. But I get scared to ask about it because I think if I do then you will think something is wrong but clearly that doesn’t work. So I will try to open up more okay.. I love you so much babe.. I love you.” He whispered softly, kissing your forehead.

“I love so so much too.. I love you..” You whispered. It would take time but soon everything would be perfect.. everything would be okay again.

Suna

It was hard to believe that Suna was still playing volleyball. It wasn’t a problem to you at all, to be frank you were glad that he decided to do something he loved. You were glad he wasn’t stuck at a desk all day. It just sucked when he came home all tired and unable to hang out. But maybe it would be the same either way. It just bugged you when he didn’t come home till like twelve and blamed it on practice. You didn’t wanna think that he was lying to you but you never really knew much about volleyball. It could be easily right but it just ticked you off that he came home so late. Claiming that he already had dinner and stuff. But there wasn’t anything you could really do about it. This was his passion. He loved to play volleyball and all you could do was give him your undying love and support.You worked hard, enjoying your job. Though it also got frustrating when your schedules conflicted so you couldn’t hang out but that was just life. There wasn’t anything you could do about it, and that was okay.

Suna got home late again. It was the middle of the night when you heard the shower start. He didn’t even say hello. He knew you were up. He had to know. You always were up when he came in. Mainly because you wanted to make sure he was okay when he got back. You wanted to make sure he got back. You were worried easily but it was going to be okay. Of course it was. You just had to tell yourself everyday and it would be true.. right?

When Suna walked into the room he slowly slipped next to you. “Sorry about the wait angel.. I promise soon I will have time off okay and we can hang out.” He muttered softly as his warm, soft arms wrapped around you. The smell of cherry blossoms radiated off of him. He used your hair wash sometimes, he claimed it made him feel like you were with him all the time and that made him happy. His wet hair touched your back as he held you close.

It was hard to be mad at him when he got like this. He was so soft when he was tired. He always made the same promise. At the beginning you believed him, you waited for it to happen but at this point you just tried to forget that he even said it because it just hurt you more. Of course it did. You were holding on to this stupid hope that he will get more time to hang out. That hope that soon everything would be okay. “It’s okay baby.. get some rest okay..?” You muttered softly. You turned your head slightly, kissing his head as you faced the front again. Closing your eyes you hoped everything would be okay once more.

The morning came quickly. The sun shone through the blinds, then the feeling of coldness hit as you turned over to the empty bed. Heh. What were you thinking? Did you really think that he was going to wait for you..? God sooner or later you really had to realize this relationship was more one sided then anything. That this thing was going to be a forever relationship. But god fuck, this was just as real as a fake relationship. It was only one when it was a relationship when it was convenient. It sucked but none of his teammates even knew about you and him being in a relationship. It sucked to feel like you were being forced to be hidden. It almost felt like he was embarrassed of you. It had gone on long enough. You were so fucking done. This was too hard to hold on.

After packing a bit you got up and grabbed your stuff. Getting up you headed out taking your car to one of your only friend’s houses. It was hard to have a conversation with him let alone try and explain how you felt. So you decided to take a night off from seeing him, and try and clear your head. You didn’t wanna break up, fuck that was the last thing you wanted to do. You decided not to leave a note.. secretly kind of hoping it would make him a bit worried or something. So you knew he actually noticed.. or actually liked you. Suna always had a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ additude and that was one of the big reasons you were drawn to him. He was always so free, he didn’t care what people had to say about him.. Something you wished you could have but it really didn’t matter because he had you back, back then.

After a few hours of hanging out your friend took your phone away from you, being that you had been waiting for a call from Suna. They powered it off and placed it on a shelf gently slipping next to you. They smiled. You and them were alway close. They had been with you for every break up and to be honest you even tried dating, though it didn’t work out it was a great experience and you would still have done it to this day. When night struck instead of waiting for Suna you actually were kind of relieved the fear of him not coming home kind of slipped off your shoulders as you laid down next to your friend. Closing your eyes you hoped for everything to get better. You wished that he would be able to get some free time and such.

On the other hand when Suna came home he did what he always did, take a shower and head to bed. But this time you weren’t there, you weren't waiting for him. He looked around almost instantly running to check if your shoes were there, which they weren’t. Now a bit shaken up he took a deep breath and walked over to check if anything else was missing. Once he did it kind of hit him harder than expected. Running to grab his phone he began to call you. It was too late out and it was pitch black, fear had settled in as he realized what could have happened. All the things that could have happened, might have happened. He immediately put on his shoes, his hair still wet. God even knows he can hear you to dry his hair before he leaves, in hope he won't get sick. He unlocked his car calling you for the third time, unsurprisingly he heard the same voice mail.

“Hey this is y/n! It seems you are trying to reach me. At the moment I might be busy or have missed your call! Please try and call again or leave a message. I promise to get back to you as soon as I can!”

It had been a wet month as the rain hit the floor but Suna didn’t seem to mind. So maybe he was being over dramatic but you never have been away from him during the night from the day you guys started dating. So for you not even to mention that you weren’t going to be home was fucking with him. He did the next best thing, calling your best friend. Lucky for him they picked up. “Hey is y/n there.. they're not picking up and I really wanna make sure they're okay..” he muttered his breath was loud. Almost as if he was having trouble breathing and such.

“Ya, do you wanna pick them up they seem to be having trouble sleeping.. and it seems like you guys need to work through a few things so maybe it would be best if you did..'' They were surprised that he called. It wasn’t that he didn’t love you or anything, it was just that it didn’t always seem like he was that interested in you, as if being convenient to them and such. So for him to call up your friend was quite unexpected.

When Suna arrived he got out and knocked on the door after being met with your friend, “I’m only telling you this once so listen to me. Y/n loves you okay? If you're not interested just let them be okay? There are a bunch of people who would kill to be with them. If you do not have the time for them please just let them be, so they can find someone who can take care of them when they need someone too. Y/n is quiet about their feelings but that doesn’t mean you can only be with them when it is convenient to you, let alone only at night. If you don’t want to step up please just step down and let someone else fill your role for you. They are hurting to much because of your actions and you don’t seem to ever fucking care. Please just let them go if you're done.. This game has been over a long time ago. You won okay. You always will be against y/n..” they moved to the side letting the startled Suna in. “They're over there, if you don’t wanna carry them it is okay just call me over because I don’t want them to be woken up.” Suna shook his head gently. How fucking dare they assume that this was all a game to him. How dare they assume that he didn’t actually love you..? Why did they assume those things..?

Suna picked you up gently, gently you clung to him and his warmth. It was cold in the room and Suna seemed to be the only solution to it. It surprised Suna quite a lot, finding out that you were clinging to him. Being that at night he always hugged you, but you just wanted to give him space so he wouldn’t be bored of you. “Hey angel sorry for making you wait all these nights.. I promise I will be there okay.. please don’t move on I really do love you.. your my everything and I know it is stupid of me to talk to you while your asleep but sometimes I get to nervous to talk to you and I just want everything to be okay with you. Your friend is right though.. There is no excuse for what I am doing to you. I am so sorry.. angel trust me I really love you. I would be so fucking lost without you.” he muttered holding on to you tightly as he grabbed your stuff and carried you out. It was still raining as he tried his best to shelter you from the rain running to the car as he placed you in the front. It took him a moment to get you comfortable or at least that what he hoped was comfortable. He had placed a blanket on you and buckled you up as he moved to the front and started driving. It was a good thirty minute drive, and he knew soon you guys had to go back to go get your car but at this moment all he was worried about was you. “God angel.. I can’t compete with everyone else after you.. why did you choose me.. why are you still with me..?” he muttered. He gently held your hand as he looked out. You were always so cold. Suna on the other hand was like a walking heat source. Maybe because he was so big that he could hold you tight and stuff and it just made it feel warmer or something but it worked better than you could imagine.

It took a bit of time but soon you had arrived, sadly the rain hadn’t eased up. Suna got out first picking you up as he wrapped the blanket around you so you wouldn’t get cold or wet. You shifted around in his arms. “mm..” you muttered your eyes fluttering open with the feeling of his arms again and the feeling of movement. You held on tightly to Suna, “Baby..?” you grumbled softly confused where you were and what you were doing. Why was he here? More importantly, how did he find you.. did he really care? God it felt great to think that he did.

“Ah I’m sorry for waking you angel.. close your eyes I’ve got you now.. that house was too cold. I’ve got you now. We are home so you can be nice and warm again okay..? Don’t worry I’ve got you now so everything will be okay. I am going to take a break from practice for the week okay..? I am going to ease up on the practice so you won’t have to worry. I love you so much. I know I haven’t been a good boyfriend and I know I need to step it up. Will I be okay? Don’t worry I am going to be better for you okay. I am sorry about everything I’ve done to hurt you and I am going to do my best to make you feel better.. and if it doesn’t help I will let go okay. I’m going to finally let you breathe but please just give me just one more chance. I know I love you, and I know I don’t show it but I promise I do. If I didn’t please tell me what was that pain in my chest when I didn’t see you, I know I sound stupid I know I do but I know I really do love you. Hearing what your friend said and I know they're right but it just hit me. I am not ashamed of you.. you know that right..? I just don't want my team to know because last time when word got out I was dating someone the pressure was to muc. on them and the new articles and stuff and I just don’t wanna pressure you. I don’t want us to end because of that. I want everything to be perfect. I know I come home late, I just.. I don’t know. I know it is too much on you and I don't want that I just don’t everything to be over because of an argument that could have been avoided if I just you know.. not came home or something. I know it is no excuse but I am telling the truth please believe me. I can’t live without you.. I love you so much please baby.. fuck. I keep rambling. I am sorry angel. get some rest we will talk about this in the morning..” he muttered softly walking inside and gently placing you in bed as he walked and changed coming back as soon as he could.

You were wide awake.. but you just wanted to wait so you knew he would still be there when you woke up. So you knew he wouldn’t be gone before anything. So you knew he wasn’t lying anymore. “Night baby..” you muttered as his arms wrapped around you.

“Good night angel.. I love you so much..” He muttered, closing his eyes.

When the morning came you were surprised when you felt his body tight around you. “Morning my angel..” he muttered. “Did you get some good rest..?”

“Good morning.. mhm.. thank you for staying.. you don’t understand how worried I was that you were going to leave before I could say anything.. But thank you. I love you so much okay.. and I don’t what my friend said but please ignore him.. I only love you.. I will only ever love you. Please try and stay home more. It is getting hard to handle and I know it is selfish but I just want you to stay longer sometimes. I know you want the best for me but please.. it makes me feel like you actually don’t love me and I know it is wrong but I get scared and I don’t want to be.. please believe me when I say that I can handle it.. I just wanna be with you more. I just want to be what you want. I love you so much..” You were trying not to cry but you were.

“Angel… I love you so much. I will tell the whole world.. I want to. Will I be okay? I will stay with you till you wake up and eat Breakfast with you. I will come home sooner so you're not scared anymore.. I’ve got you and everything I’ve ever wanted so please don’t cry.. I love you so fucking much angel..” he whispered kissing you. This felt good.. refreshing, you felt okay for the first time in a while. You felt happy. You were going to be alright now, he was going to keep you safe and you would do the same thing. You loved each other and that's all that would ever matter because you two were made for each other.

Follows and likes are appreciated! Please reblog if you enjoyed it, so more people can find my work! Thank you all for your support! Stay safe, and have a good rest of your day!

[sluttybibuck]

Wasn’t gonna make any other posts about this but the way this is has been getting out of hand is ridiculous. The fact is everyone here is on supernatural tumblr literally no one is better than anyone else. Almost everyone acting high and mighty about this has directly interacted with con content in the past, and don’t try to correct me on this, I have receipts.

The way people praised me and congratulated me after momento con always made me uncomfortable because I knew none of it was real, all the nice messages I was getting from people I didn’t know made me so anxious because I was so sure none of them meant it, well this past weekend proved me right. This is not for all of you who genuinely enjoyed my con updates and the friends who truly and really supported me, this is for the ones who engaged with my con updates back in September and are now shitting on me and my friends for posting about the nov 5th con this past weekend.

By now it’s common knowledge that we all had this planned before the events of denver con and we couldn’t get our money back, so we made the most of it and we had a list of questions to ask since we paid to be there and we took it as our responsibility to try to hold j2 accountable for all the shit they’ve said in the past. We didn’t get to ask our question but we did get to ask misha TWO questions which considering it’s a lottery getting to ask two destiel questions was a miracle. Would we ever go to another creation con? No. Truly it’s not worth it, the staff isn’t accommodating, the photo ops are rushed, and the atmosphere is rancid because the place is filled with j2 stans. This doesn’t mean that every con is like this, so many other cons are run by small groups of people and the fan atmosphere is so much better. Momento being one of them, this convention is run by ONE GUY and everyone there is a fan and they worked really hard to put that together. So yeah I’m going to continue to support these small cons, and I’m going to continue to purchase autographs and photo ops with the actors i like it’s my money and I work hard for it and I get to choose how I want to spend it. Nothing said on the dash today is going to take away that this past weekend was one of the best weekends of my life, I got to meet my phone friends and we got to have so much fun together. I don’t regret my misha autograph, I had the chance to actually talk to him and as someone who has been a fan of his for over 10 years yeah it meant a lot. You don’t have to engage with any of my con content if you don’t want to I literally tag everything, also you can just unfollow no one is forcing you to stay here. It just sucks to see all these comments hurt my friends, we all tried to include everyone on the dash on what was going on at the con because we felt like we were there representing the desticule and frankly, because so many of you asked us too. Jumping on the hate cons bandwagon barely two months after talking about finding hellers to attend these cons is hypocritical and disgusting and if you joined in any of it please unfollow me now. I won’t forget those who so quickly turned on so many of us over something so small.

This is supernatural tumblr, you are literally blogging about these men daily not going to a con isn’t going to really affect their careers, not to mention one of the best parts of the con is getting to interact with the other cast members, this show is about so much more than j2 and it’s been a part of my life for years I am not letting any of you drive me away from it or the friends I’ve made here. If you really want to stop supporting the actors maybe stop blogging about them and watching the show on Netflix instead of shitting on fans who just want to see the actors they actually do like in person and get to meet a community of fans who share the same feelings.

[marauderundercover]

Taking Chances Ch. 2 Finding Out (Family/Friends)

Prev 

AO3

@maribat-bdbwm

“Mari!” Adrien yells, running past Batman to sweep her up in a hug. Marinette’s face instantly heats up, but she buries herself into the hug. After all, it’s not every day she faces a supervillain determined to kill her with a dangerous weapon...without her suit, anyway.

“I’m okay. I’m okay.” Marinette reassures him, relishing in the comfort. A cleared throat makes her jump back and look at Batman who, despite clearing his throat and cutting off the most amazing hug ever, has no emotions on his face. Whatsoever. Cause that’s not intimidating or anything.

“The police will need your statement, Miss Dupain Cheng.” Batman says. Marinette nods, squeaking when Adrien reaches down and entwines his fingers with hers. Following Batman’s directions to the awaiting police, Marinette feels nerves flood her systerm as she sees the sheer number of officers on the other side of the door. Sucking in a deep breath, she feels Adrien squeeze her hand. Shooting him a thankful smile, Marinette uses her unattached hand to open the door and step out into the mess of personnel. A man with a mustache and square glasses steps forward immediately, his hand extended.

“Hello Miss Dupain Cheng. I’m Commissioner Jim Gordon. We were in communication with Batman while he was inside so we heard some of what happened. Would you be comfortable telling us what happened? We can get you checked over by paramedics first, if you want.” Commissioner Gordon says.

“Oh, no, no. I’m fine. I don’t-” She starts to say, but a gruff voice cuts her off.

“She should be examined immediately, Gordon. She may have inhaled smoke from the smoke bombs due to proximity. She also could have burns to her face or ears from Joker’s gun. He shot it and then proceeded to prod her with it.” Batman says, the last part of his ‘report’ slightly more gruff than the first. Was he…..worried about her? Marinette shakes that thought off almost immediately. Why would Batman be worried about her? Wait, was he really going to make her see the paramedics when all she wanted to do was talk to the officers so she could get back to the trip?

“I assure you, Monsieur Batman, Monsieur Gordon, I don’t need to see the paramedics. I’m a little shaky, but that’s all. I mean, I was held at gunpoint. I think shaky is appropriate, non?” Marinette asks, flashing the two a bright smile. Gordon raises an eyebrow and glances at Batman who shakes his head stiffly.

“She gets examined.” He says, leaving no room for questions as he pulls his grappling hook (?!?!) out and retreats to the rooftop.

“You heard the man. We can talk as you’re examined, if you’d prefer. I’m sure you just want to put this whole business behind you.” Commissioner Gordon says kindly. Marinette sighs in relief and nods, smiling again at the man. Hopefully this would be taken care of quickly. --- Bruce Wayne was slightly panicking, though he would never admit it. When reports of the Joker being spotted at the Gotham City Museum of Modern Art first rolled in, he assumed his biggest challenge would be keeping Jason from murdering the clown. He did not expect to see a small girl being held at gunpoint. A girl who looked like a strange mix between his mother, and someone else. But he couldn’t place his- of course. Memories flood his mind as he thinks back to the woman who was so clearly related to the small girl. Bridgette Le. A woman that he, at one time, thought he would be able to spend the rest of his life with. Until she left Gotham and cut off all contact between the two. Oh god. She wouldn’t….would she? --- “I don’t understand why that older paramedic looked like she’d seen a ghost.” Marinette says with a pout as she continues working on the embroidery for a jacket for Jagged. Design never sleeps.

“What d’ya mean?” Adrien asks from his nest of blankets on her bed. Marinette tries to focus on keeping her blush down. Apparently, the attack at the museum had scared Adrien more than her, though she imagined he was scared on her behalf. But she couldn’t quite understand why...nevertheless, he had become attached at her hip and hadn’t left her side since they got back to the hotel. Even though all she really wanted was a little alone time to talk to Tikki. Especially about the chance of the Miraculous Cure working here. Maybe if she was in the battle…

“Didn’t you notice? He was fine til he looked into my eyes and then he got super pale. He looked like he was going to say something, but Monsieur Gordon stopped him before he could.” Marinette recounts, remembering the way the paramedic had to switch out since his hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

“I didn’t notice that. That’s weird. Anything else happen like that today?” Adrien asks, finally sitting up and giving her his full attention. Marinette pauses her stitching and purses her lips as she runs the days events back through her head. The paramedic. Batman. Joker. Arriving late to the museum. The cab ride. Being left at the hotel. Coffee-

“Well,” Marinette starts, furrowing her eyebrows as she tries to rationalize the man’s actions in addition to the actions of the paramedic. But something wasn’t adding up. “There was my cab ride to the museum.”

“What happened? Was someone creepy? I can fight them for you!” Adrien offers, a little too cheery. Marinette freezes as she studies his face, searching for something. Adrien had been off all day. More protective than he’d been in awhile. And the few times Lila had spoken, he had scowled at her instead of ignored her. Was he finally coming around to the idea that the high road would not work with Lila? Pushing those thoughts off for another time, Marinette shakes her head.

“No, no. Nothing like that. But as I was leaving, he called me Miss Wayne.” Marinette admits, not expecting Adrien’s uncontrollable laughter.

“He, you, oh my god!” He laughs, clutching his sides. Marinette’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as she sets the jacket down on the desk.

“What?” She asks, completely and totally frustrated with the situation. Adrien laughs for another minute before calming down, wiping tears from his eyes and shooting her a blinding smile. Not his model smile. An actual smile that warms her heart and her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Mari. It’s just, I think he was referring to the fact that you look like the typical kid Bruce Wayne adopts.” Adrien says and Marinette’s blood freezes.

“Did you say Bruce Wayne?” Marinette asks and Adrien nods, his previous mirth wiped from his face.

“Yeah, Mari, are you okay?” He asks. Marinette nods, then shakes her head, then groans and throws up her arms in frustration.

“I don’t know! I just- you remember how I told you I’m adopted?” She asks. Adrien nods, then stops. A look of mixed terror and awe flooding his face.

“Oh god, Mari. You never told me the name. Your birth father-”

“His name is Bruce Wayne. But there’s gotta be hundreds if not thousands of Bruce Waynes in the US right?” Marinette asks, even as her hope in that idea dwindles.

“The US? He’s confirmed from the US?” Adrien asks, already pulling out his phone.

“Yes. Adrien, what are you doing?” She asks, suddenly worried as she jumps onto the bed next to him, desperately trying to see his phone.

“I’m googling Bruce Wayne and Bridgette Le as a combined search. Wayne is one of the most prominent figures in Gotham, all of his previous relationships have photographic evidence. Except for whoever the mother of his youngest is. But that’s probably because he wasn’t in the country at that time.” Adrien says, typing away furiously on his phone. Marinette’s eyebrow quirks up in amusement.

“Since when were you a master researcher?” She asks with a grin.

“Since one of my best friends found out she’s adopted and it could be the man who hosts the only palatable high society parties. Seriously. And they’d be much better if you were there and-holy shit. Your bio mom looks just like you!” Adrien exclaims, turning the phone to her. Marinette inhales deeply and thanks whatever power there is that she’s not in Paris right now. The emotions running over her at an indescribable speed...not all of them are positive. And they’re all overwhelming as she looks at a picture that very clearly shows her bio mom with Bruce Wayne. As in the Gotham Bruce Wayne. Not a different unknown Bruce Wayne across the country somewhere. Nope. A man who is apparently prominent enough that Monsieur Agreste makes his son go to the man’s parties.

“I don’t suppose she just had a type for men named Bruce Wayne?” Marinette says weakly. This was not what she expected. --- This was exactly what he expected. Looking at the birth records for one Marinette Le, where he’s noted as the father. Though why he wasn’t notified before the girl’s custody was signed over to Sabine Cheng, he’ll never understand. His jaw clenches as he continues reading, eyes scanning over Bridgette’s death certificate before glancing back at Marinette’s birth certificate. A daughter. He had a daughter. Another child that he would never be able to hold when they were small. Another child that grew up without him. Another child that he didn’t meet until they were already a person. Someone with their own experiences individual from his own, someone that may not even know he had found them. And that he wanted nothing more than to get to know someone who was brave enough to stand between the Joker and her friends. Someone who was determined not to let what should have been the most traumatic experience in her life be a set back. He had a daughter. And he wanted to meet her.

***

Next

Note, my headcannon is that the paramedic that panicked did so because he was one of the first responders the night that the Waynes were murdered. And while she looks a lot like her birth mom, Marinette also definitely has Martha Wayne’s eyes and the paramedic could NOT deal. Also, let me know if you want tagged!

Tag List: @jjmjjktth

[crimeronan]

shoutout to this post i made almost three years ago. i wish i could go back in time and tell my slightly-younger self what a Time we were about to have. scrolling through the early days of my autoimmune tag is wild because past me is oversharing about my diagnoses and the fact that i might be dying and the fact that i keep finding eulogies instead of support groups when i look for community online, but i am...... not sick yet.

like. i definitely Think i'm sick, at the time. i am definitely tired and fevered and feel like shit, i'm using organ transplant reject drugs and having biopsies done and doctor's faces keep going gray when they see my skin and pharmacists keep giving me Terrible Pitying Looks when i fill my new scripts,

but i am not sick yet.

we have not yet explored the true event horizon of what it means to be sick. i am sick like most chronically fatigued spoonies online but.... i am going to learn a Lot more about how sick a body can really get.

anyway. i wish i could tell my slightly-younger self that we're about to lose the Entirety of our mid-twenties to illness. and we'll come out the other side blinking and confused and stumbling like a newborn lamb, feeling like we just went through a dark subway tunnel that folded us from one shore to the other, there's a void in the middle that's only accessible through the posts somebody made for all those years. someone made those posts with our hands. we sure don't remember them, though!

we won't feel any different than we did at 24 not just because we were inside for years due to a pandemic, but also because our brain was shutting down. we'll also feel like an entirely separate person from the 24-year-old self who didn't know yet what being sick was.

wish i could tell my slightly-younger self that now, as of writing this, when we're nearly 28, we'll be on the highest possible therapeutic dose of hydroxychloroquine, and that as long as we escape any rare medical complications from that, we'll be taking it for the rest of our life. wish i could tell them we're about to sacrifice three full years for the chance to live a whole, self-actualized life at the other end of hell.

wish i could tell her things are going to get way way way worse and then they're going to get a lot better. knocking on wood about it of course because there's always the chance of climate catastrophe or natural disasters or new illnesses or other calamities interfering with life plans. but if i don't jinx myself, i could tell her we've got the rest of 28 and 29 and then our 30s and 40s and beyond to be awake and happy and alive. we are still Young. losing a handful of years and having strange new lines around our eyes doesn't change that.

dunno what else to say here. i found this post a few weeks back in the "related posts" suggestions when looking at my own blog and it made me laugh aloud bc i was like. oh honey. ohhh honey. you don't even Know yet. you are going to be so different in three years and you're also going to be exactly the same.

i guess the conclusion here is that i can't tell my three-years-ago self what's coming but i can tell the chronically ill ppl following me: please for the love of GOD pursue diagnosis and treatment for your weird physical bullshit. sorry i know it sucks and hurts and is bad i know. doctors and the healthcare system are a nightmare to navigate, especially now w/ the medical sector collapsing in the wake of post-COVID problems, but you never know when your baseline of "i feel sick" is going to deteriorate Beyond Reckoning.

be kind to your future self. be kind to your past self. i don't want anybody else to learn what this kind of sickness feels like if they can avoid it.

anyone else ever have that chronic illness feel of like. yes i know people can get sick at any time and there are plenty of diseases you’re more likely to get if you’re UNDER 40 and many many many of the people in my social circle have chronic illnesses while being around my age but also. bro i am 24 come on

[remakethestars]

Being Damian Wayne's Twin Sister Would Include:

Headcanons.

❝Exactly. I don't ask my dog to drive, and I don't ask the Justice League to solve my problems.❞

— Damian Wayne, Adventures of the Super Sons #9: Showdown on Hexworld

TRIGGER WARNING: Cursing, (Damian’s) death. Mentions of toxic masculinity and internalized misogyny, nightmares, blood, knives.

Headcanon masterlist.

When people ask you, “So, which one of you is the evil twin?” Damian always glowers, and you always motion to him.

You look disturbingly alike when only your eyes are showing; Damian’s got long lashes. Talia taught you a good tactic for tag-teaming in combat as kids was to pull up your hinged balaclavas and make the enemy think there was only one of you, that they’re seeing double.

Or for one of you to hang back while the other attacks as a distraction before the other knocks them out from behind.

Obviously, this won’t work when the two of you start filling out, but it works when you’re kids. It’s the reason why, even off the field, the two of you usually wear a matching outfits with hoods.

You utilize the same methods when she sends you to live with Bruce.

You don the Robin costume just like he does, much to the rest of the Batfam’s confusion (both because they weren’t expecting it and because they can’t tell you apart either), but sticking with the “red” theme, you go by Redstart.

There’s a rumor on the street that Robin V. is a meta that can teleport.

The two of you are freakishly good at mimicking the other’s voice and mannerisms, which makes it even harder for your family.

Jason tells you two about April Fools Day, and you make the most of it. Of course, Damian’s a pain in the a$$ and decides to go around pretending to be you and getting into trouble. You’re banned from the mall, and you still have no idea why. 

The two of you can communicate with just an impassive expression (Dick says it looks like a prime example of twin telepathy to anyone else), but anyone close to you knows sh¡t’s about to hit the fan when the two of you look at each other and smirk.

If it’s something you can’t communicate nonverbally, you use your cryptophasia. 

Cryptophasia is a language developed by twins when they’re learning to talk. Most of them grow out of it, you and Damian decided to keep developing it so it became more of a conlang. No one else has been taught to speak it, and they never will be. It’s for emergencies only.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War was your Bible growing up, and the two of you call out verses when you fight together and need the other to understand a tactic (you both inherited Bruce’s eidetic memory, so you’ve got it memorized).

When you get too big to pull off the which-is-which game, you make your own costume and become the true Redstart. 

It’s basically Damian’s Robin uniform (the Super Sons’s version is the only one I’ll accept), but the boots and gloves are black, the biceps have a white stripe, the lining of the cape is white (the lining of the hood is black), the gold accents become white, it has a zipper down the front instead of clasps, and the mask becomes black (including the eyes). The waterline of the eyes is white. Like a painted redstart.

If Damian’s into animals, you’re into plants. The two of you find common ground on the fact that pollution sucks, so when you walk Titus, you take a trash bag and gloves with you to pick up litter as you go.

You did not want to go to Jon’s school. 

Not because you don’t like Jon (because you do), but because you know you could run intellectual circles around every one of those snot-nosed brats. 

School is stupid. Especially because the American education system is subpar; everything about it is.

You hardly pay attention in class. You do all of the homework a week ahead of time incase something comes up. Usually you’re doing next week’s homework in class. You’ve written entire papers on your phone in Google Docs in the middle of class to be printed out later.

If you’ve already done everything, Damian’s usually drawing and you’re daydreaming or you’re working on a case on your phone.

The teachers are always trying to catch you not paying attention, but you little sh¡ts can always answer their questions. 

Damian’s closest with Dick, but you’re closest with Tim. You admire his ability to plan ahead (see the entirety of the Red Robin comics), and you know that he’s better than both your father and your grandfather; you want to be as good as him when you grow up.

It takes a long time to wash the toxic masculinity and internalized misogyny our of your head, to learn that your grandfather’s ideas of “strength” were wrong, that it’s okay to lean on someone besides Damian, that you can be just as strong as your brother and still be feminine, that there are acceptable emotions besides anger.

Actually, your father teaches you that anger is more likely to get you killed. He won’t let you go into the field when he knows your angry.

It’s harder to drill out of you than your instinct to kill.

There’s a Lebanese restaurant called Tarbooshes (Teen Titans Special #1) the two of you go to when you’re feeling homesick. They make ox blood soup the same way your mother did, and it’s the only non-vegetarian thing Damian will eat for that very reason.

It’s nice to have a place to go where they know you by name and know what you want when you tell them “the usual.” It’s nice to have a place where you’re not a Wayne or an Al Ghul, where you’re just [Y/N] and Damian.

You disappear for an hour on your birthday to eat there. Bruce has asked you were you go, but you kept that between the two of you. 

Speaking of birthdays, you’re eleven minutes older than him. He was six pounds and ten ounces (Batman & Robin #0?), and you were a solid seven.

After Damian died, you go to Tarbooshes to feel close to him.

You were doing all right with the no-killing thing until the night Damian died.

Heretic never stood a chance.

He looked so much like Damian it gave you nightmares, though. Nightmares where you killed your twin brother and woke up sobbing.

Damian didn’t give you a speech in his last moments. He just looked over at you and said in your cryptophasia, “I’m sorry.” 

Not “I love you.” Not “Take care of them for me.” You knew that; you’d do that. He didn’t have to tell you, and he didn’t have to ask.

Just “I’m sorry.” Sorry that you were the one that was left behind.

It’s one thing to lose a family member, to lose a friend, or to lose a lover. It’s another to lose half of your soul.

The two of you had always feared you would die apart. It had always been a possibility; you weren’t stupid enough to think, “It’ll never happen to me.” Because it definitely could. 

And it had.

You wanted to run away from everything. Even just for a while. Go to one of your safe houses in London or France or whatever and just — you didn’t know — stare at the wall until you felt better? But you’d made that unspoken promise to Damian — “I’ll take care of them for you; don’t worry.” — to take care of Titus and Catfred and Jerry and Batcow and Goliath, to take care of Alfred and Bruce and Dick and Jason and Cassandra and Tim, to take care of Jon and Colin and Maps.

You avoided the cave. And if you had to go down there for some reason, you refused to look at the Robin suits.

Dick noticed. He asked if you wanted them taken down, even just for a while. You gave him a look like he was nuts and said, “No.”

Jon was a mess. More of a mess than you were, somehow. 

You’d shown up at the Kents’s. Jon was out doing Superboy things with Clark and Conner. Lois was the only one home.

You nearly scared her out of her skin when you materialized behind her and asked, “Is Jon home? It’s important.” 

He had to know first. He deserved to.

For all he put up with from you two, he deserved to be the first to know when one of you was f*cking dead.

Lois, of course, bless her heart, had the mom instincts to know that you were in no way, shape, or form okay even when you were trying so hard to hold yourself together. She asked you what’s wrong, and it’s what made you break. 

Your lip trembled. “He’s gone.”

“Who’s gone?”

“Damian,” your voice broke. “He’s dead.” 

Jon came home to find you in his living room in your Robin uniform, covered in Damian’s and Heretic’s blood, snot running down your lip, sobbing in his mothers arms and knew what happened without having to ask. He did anyway.

When you and Jon both finally passed out, your Uncle Clark flew you back to the Batcave. No one was in any condition — not even Alfred — so he carried you up to your room; took your boots, mask, cape, and gloves off; and tucked you in. Then he went to find Bruce because there was no doubt he was losing it too.

Bruce doesn’t tell you anything about trying to find a way to bring him back without the Lazarus pit because he doesn’t want to get your hopes up. 

You walk into your room one day to find Damian sitting there reading the dissertation (the requirement was three pages, not 120, but your teacher would just have to deal with your coping mechanisms) you had been working on for your World History class and left up on your laptop while on patrol. 

He said with the utmost indifference, “You’ve made some good points, Sister,” and, of course, you pulled out a knife and attacked him because this was — was — was some shapeshifting alien or hologram tech or a cruel joke — your twin was dead, this wasn’t funny, whoever did this was going to pay.

He met you blow-for-blow and flipped away from you before saying, “And here I was expecting a warm welcome,” in your cryptophasia. 

“Brother?” 

“Tt. Obviously.” 

Yeah, a college level thesis. You’re smart. You inherited Bruce’s eidetic memory and were raised by assassins.

You learned seven languages and wrote five doctoral theses by the time your teeth came in, wrote your first letter to a newspaper editor when you were two, could’ve had a geology doctorate when you were seven (Super Sons #1), and it only took you a week to learn the language on Takron-Galtos. You’re smart.

You’re also incredibly skilled. You learned to drive when you were five (Super Sons #1), your mother trained you to go for weeks without eating (Adventures of the Super Sons #6), you can micro-sleep for days and converse with half your brain asleep, can use a muscular contraction to move your liver out of the way of a blade (Nightwing #20), and can place yourself in a deep trance to heal damages caused by a hematoma (also #20).

(My dumba$$ didn’t note what Super Sons/Adventure of the Super Sons comic I was reading when I took notes, so I don’t have all of them noted in the two above bullet points. But that’s where they’re from. If I end up rereading them, I’ll edit this and add the comic numbers.)

The first time on patrol you thought Bruce was gonna die, you called him Baba. 

The next evening, when Dick came to visit the cave, he turned to you and Damian and asked, “So, which one of you called him Dad?” 

“How’d you know?” you asked. 

“He’s smiling the way he did the day I called him Tati.”

“He’s not smiling,” Damian pointed out.

“He is on the inside.”

Can we talk about how royally the Arkham Knights game screwed up Tim Drake? (Though, everything seems to screw up Tim one way or another, I guess.) Why does he look like a quidditch player in the gif above the cut?

Visit my headcanon masterlist.

DISCLAIMER ━━━ I’m a dumb white American, and I don’t know much about Arab or Romani culture other than what I’ve learned online. I hope I got it right?? If I didn’t, please drop a comment or P.M. me or something to let me know!

[sitp-recs]

(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)

Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:

It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!

Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.

Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!

I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.

Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!

Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)

The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.

Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)

This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.

Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron

One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.

The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)

I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.

Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)

This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!

Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)

Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!

Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)

Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.

And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)

What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!

A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)

Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!

Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)

My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.

Bonus: five stunning drabbles!

Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)

“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.

Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)

“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”

Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)

“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”

Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)

“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”

Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

[serasvictoria]

Stupid Games - Chapter 3 (part 2)

Pairing: Ubbe x Reader, Hvitserk x Reader, Hvitserk x Reader x Ubbe

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Double penetration (it was kind of unavoidable I think?)

Word Count: 12.846 total

Summary: You used to live next to the Lothbroks when you were younger, but you moved away and haven't seen them since. A wedding brings you back to town after many years and during a bachelorette party you run into the brothers again.

Notes: Part two! What else can I say? More smut.

The movie that I mention in one paragraph is Y tu mamá también which is an excellent movie that I cannot recommend enough.

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three (Part 1)

Screencap provided by @underragingwaves. Other images from Pinterest.

Tagging @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie @ritual-unions-gotme @vikingstrash @pomegranates-and-blood @quantumlocked310 @adrille88 @actual-queen-of-hell @youbloodymadgenius @punkrocknpearls @zuxiezendler

*****

You woke up wedged between two bodies the next morning. Ubbe was on his back and your head was resting on his chest, your leg shoved in between his thighs and your hand draped around his waist. Hvitserk lay sprawled out on top of you, head pressed against your shoulder and you could feel him drooling all over you. He had his leg over your hip and when you looked down, you saw that it was also wrapped over his older brother’s thigh.

If you didn’t know them so well, you might find this entire sleeping arrangement odd, but the relationship that they had with each other had always been overly familiar. Even as teenagers, seeing Hvitserk and Ubbe pressed closely against each other’s side during movie nights had been fairly normal. They also constantly pressed their foreheads together and they never cared who saw them do it either.

They were very comfortable around each other so why should you feel otherwise? And that knowledge combined with what had happened last night, made you wonder how often they had done something like this before.

For some reason you thought about a movie that you had seen once, which centered around the friendship between two Mexican boys and a road trip that they have with an older woman. The movie was incredibly sexy and very sad at the same time. The relationship between the boys deteriorated throughout the movie with jealousy and betrayal at the heart of it all, but at the end, fueled by alcohol, all three of them end up in bed together and after a kiss between the two male leads, it is very much left up to the imagination of the viewer what actually happened. Odd that you would think of such a sad movie at a time like this, while laying in between these two.

Ubbe shifted underneath you and you heard a low chuckle before his hand shot out, connecting sharply with skin. Only it wasn’t your skin...

“Serk!” Ubbe groaned and you felt Hvitserk move. “Get off of her.”

“No.” Hvitserk’s voice sounded sluggish, his lips moving over your shoulder blade as he spoke. Then his hips jerked up against your ass, his growing erection pressed in between the tops of your thighs and you felt his lips creep up into a smile. “Why’d you hit me?”

“Thought it was sleeping beauty over here.” Ubbe tickled your side and made you snort with laughter. “Didn’t know you were on top of her.”

“You didn’t notice that I was a lot heavier than I was last night?” you asked him. “I know that your brother isn’t exactly a heavy weight, but the weight of us combined should have told you that it wasn’t just me that was on top of you.”

“It’s still early.”

“You’re an idiot, Ubbe.” Hvitserk started laughing uncontrollably and you could feel him shift as he started kissing a trail from your shoulder up to your neck. “All bulk and no brain. Sad really.”

“You did not just say that.” Ubbe’s arm reached around you to shove Hvitserk off of you and seconds later you were on your back as Ubbe pinned you underneath him. “Anything else you wanted to say?”

“At least you’re easy on the eye so you’ve got that going for you.” You squealed with laughter when his lips descended on your shoulder and he started biting you. “Stop!”

“No.” Ubbe tried to make his voice sound low and threatening, but you could hear the obvious amusement in his tone. “You deserve this. Bad girls need to be taught a lesson.”

“I didn’t lie. I just thought that you deserved to be told the truth,” you replied defiantly, only for your words to grow higher pitched the harder he bit you. “Are you marking me?”

“He is.” When you turned your head in the direction of Hvitserk’s voice, you saw him lying on his side next to you, head propped up with his arm and his other hand lazily stroking his cock. “You’re such a child, brother.”

“Takes one to know one.” Ubbe’s words sounded muffled because he hadn’t pulled his mouth away from your neck yet. “Do you yield?”

“I don’t know. I think I got this one in the bag.” One of his hands connected with your thigh sharply and you yelped. “I can still win this thing, big guy.”

Ubbe pulled away from you and flipped you on your stomach in a flash. His palm came down on your right ass cheek almost instantly. Then his hand connected with the other cheek and the sound of him spanking you started echoing through the room. You pushed your hips up off the bed to provide him better access and pressed your face into a pillow to muffle your cries.

There was another hand on your arm, belonging to Hvitserk, his caress comforting. His gentle touch combined with what his older brother was doing to your behind was giving you a delicious mix of sensations. Hvitserk shoved his hand underneath your chest suddenly, fingers seeking out the nipple closest to him and his fingernails dug into your pliant flesh.

Twisting your head to the side, you cried out, “Enough with the foreplay! Someone fuck me already!”

There was one final slap on your ass, harder than the ones that had preceded it, and then Ubbe’s hand slipped between your thighs to cup your sex. You pressed back against his hand, low moan escaping from your lips when he found you sufficiently wet and then he was gone.

“You’re ready,” he grunted from your side and you sat up on your knees to see him lying next to you, settled on his back with his arms folded behind his head. “Come on then.”

“Lazy bastard.” Your eyes flicked down to his groin and his cock was already proudly standing at attention. “What happens if I refuse?” Ubbe shot up, wrapped his hand around your upper arm and fixed you with such a powerful stare that you stopped breathing. It also made all your heart rate increase so much that you thought that your heart might burst out of your chest at any second. “Damn, Ubbe,” you finally breathed. “Was that supposed to intimidate me or turn me on more?”

“Both,” he replied with a self-satisfied smile. He gave you a quick kiss and lay back down. “Now get on top of me.”

You turned your attention to Hvitserk before complying with Ubbe’s request. Hvitserk was still laying there and seemed content to just watch for now. His eyes sparkled with mischief when you moved your hand in between your legs, the pad of your finger lazily rubbing up and down between your folds. It was almost like he knew what was coming next.

When your finger was coated in your own juices, you moved it towards his lips and he opened his mouth wide for you. Since he had a thing for your taste and was going to have to wait his turn, it felt like you were offering him an appetizer. He grabbed your wrist, sucking on your finger greedily. You winked at him when he released you and moved back to Ubbe who still had that same smug expression on his face as before.

Ubbe grinned up at you when you straddled him and you gave his cock a few strokes before guiding him into you. You sat back slowly, taking him in inch by inch until he was completely inside you. You kept your movements languid and unhurried. It was too early to ride him like a cowgirl might ride a wild bull and the way that Ubbe was gazing up at you told you that he didn’t necessarily mind taking it slow. You’d grind down, getting as much friction out of it as possible, while he’d lazily push up.

“You are so fucking sexy, baby,” Hvitserk groaned next to you and your eyes briefly flitted over to meet his. The second you looked away, Ubbe pinched your thigh, a silent reminder to make sure you kept all your attention focused on him. “So jealous, brother.”

“Fuck you.”

“Now boys, no fighting.” You threw your head back and moaned loudly when Ubbe thrust up once with more force. “Plenty of me to go round.”

Those words seemed to spur Hvitserk on for some reason. He pushed himself up suddenly and seconds later, he was sitting behind you, in between his brother’s legs. Ubbe’s hands were already on your hips and Hvitserk covered them with his own. You felt Hvitserk give his brother’s hands an almost comforting squeeze and Ubbe chuckled lowly in reply. You got the feeling that they were silently communicating with each other, having grown so in tune over the years that they didn’t even need words at times.

“Fuck off, Serk.” There was one final tap on the back of Ubbe’s hands before Hvitserk settled his hands on your ass. “And ask first.”

“Ask me what?”

Hvitserk started kissing your neck and didn’t say anything. The longer the silence dragged on, the more curious you were getting. When he slid his thumbs in between the cleft of your ass though, you could practically guess at what his true intent was.

His hands followed the curve of your ass first, fingers caressing and exploring, squeezing occasionally. One of his thumbs brushed up against your other hole once, his touch so light that it could be thought of as accidental, but it soon grew more insistent. He still hadn’t asked you anything, but the way that he was massaging you down there, applying more pressure with every push of his finger, made you think that he was probably giving you an opportunity to tell him off. When you didn’t say anything, he groaned against your shoulder and moved one hand up to your chin so he could tilt your head back.

His lips brushed against the shell of your ear, his voice husky when he spoke. “You gonna let me fuck your ass, sexy?” Hvitserk had talked just loud enough for Ubbe to hear. It was immediately clear that Ubbe was more than into this as well, because he thrust his hips up hard and fast into you a couple of times. “While my brother fills up your pussy?”

“Just be…” Your sentence was cut short when Ubbe pushed up harshly, tearing a sudden gasp from your throat. Hvitserk’s teeth were on your shoulder, biting you in the same spot where Ubbe had marked you earlier. “It’s been a while…”

“I can be gentle,” Hvitserk breathed against your skin. “Make sure you’re ready for me first.” You rocked your hips back and forth just to give Ubbe some of the movement that he sought so much before pushing your ass back against Hvitserk’s hand. “What do you say?”

If your mouth could form words, you would have replied, but try as you might nothing but harsh gasps and moans were coming out. When Hvitserk’s palm connected with your behind sharply, you were pulled out of your daze and moaned a low “yes”. He pressed his forehead against the base of your neck and whispered your name once. His voice sounded almost grateful that you had given him your consent and then he pulled away abruptly.

Hvitserk got off the bed completely and you could hear him rummaging around in one of the bedside cabinets. The thought of what was about to happen was almost too much and you threw your head back to move your hips a bit more forcefully against Ubbe. He groaned underneath you and thrust up, hitting the right spot within you every single time.

The bed dipped when Hvitserk got back on it and you looked over to him so you could see his excited grin before he took up his position behind you again. He put a hand on your shoulder and urged you to stop moving which you did with a sigh that was meant to convey your annoyance.

His long fingers brushed down your spine, following the line until they dipped down low enough. His touch was brief and lasted mere seconds. When you heard something plasticy behind you, a bottle being popped open, that just made it all the more real. This was actually going to happen. You had stopped moving all together now and then you felt his hand in between your shoulder blades, pressing you forward. Your face was inches from Ubbe and your eyes were firmly focused on each other, your breathing already coming in quick and short gasps in anticipation.

Hvitserk’s lubed finger started working on you gently, pressing inside at an unhurried pace. You gasped and from the way that Ubbe’s face twitched told you that you must have inadvertently clenched your walls around him. You’d apologise if you were able to, but the sensation of a finger slowly moving in and out of you while Ubbe’s cock was filling up your pussy to the brim was quite unlike anything that you had experienced ever before.

You shifted your hips, moaning while Hvitserk added another finger as Ubbe kept staring up at you in amazement. You kept squeezing your eyes shut because of this continued assault on your senses, but every time that you opened them Ubbe was looking straight at you. His bright blue eyes never once left your face and it gave you the feeling like he was studying your facial expression, as if to constantly make sure that you genuinely wanted to go through with this.

You flashed him what you hoped was a confident smile and it wasn’t until he smiled back that you were pleased that you had been able to convey your willingness. Closing the distance, your lips met his and despite what was happening, Ubbe’s hips gently moving underneath you and Hvitserk’s fingers working you open, the kiss was surprisingly tender and sweet.

“Think you’re ready for me.” The spell was broken when Hvitserk spoke and you briefly looked at him over your shoulder, making sure he saw the same smile that Ubbe had seen just now.

Hvitserk’s fingers shoved up roughly one last time, his control fast slipping, before removing them entirely. His hand suddenly came back at the top of your spine, pushing you further down still so he could get the right angle to enter you from. You pressed your chin on Ubbe’s broad shoulder. His movements underneath you are kept to a bare minimum, just enough to remind you that he’s still there. As if you could forget that when his cock had been keeping your pussy nice and full this entire time.

One final firm slap against your ass and then Hvitserk slowly started easing the tip of his cock into you. A string of expletives started tumbling from your lips as Hvitserk pressed himself into you at a snail’s pace and you worked so hard to stay relaxed, but without Ubbe’s comforting eyes on you, it was so hard.

As if sensing this, he moved his hands up from your hips to wrap them around your back, his touch instantly comforting you. The amount of pleasure that you felt almost overtook you and you already knew that you weren’t going to last long. The boys had ceased moving and you suddenly realised that Hvitserk was fully inside of you.

Two sets of hands grabbed your hips then, covering each other like before, squeezing you this time to silently let you know what a good job you were doing without saying anything. They gave you a short moment to get used to this new sensation, but that was all that you were getting. You let out a low moan when Ubbe tilted his hips up tentatively and when you shifted, you inadvertently pushed back against Hvitserk behind you, making your next moan sound more like a whine.

“I-I’m not g-gonna last,” you gasped when Hvitserk moved his hips back and forth. As soon as he stopped moving, Ubbe took over. “Fuck!” you cried out. “T-that feels so good…”

It didn’t take them long to find their rhythm, moving in tandem as they kept you impossibly full from both sides. You had no control over the sounds that you were making and the only thing that you hoped was that you weren’t drooling all over Ubbe’s shoulder at this point.

They were wrecking you. There was no other word for it.

Losing his control once more, Hvitserk started thrusting in and out of you harder and faster, to the point where it was simply impossible for Ubbe to keep up with the pace that he was now setting. Somewhere in between his gruelling movements, you felt your walls tighten, screaming through your teeth right into Ubbe’s ear as your climax tore through you. There was no chance to come down though, because every time that one of them moved, a new wave engulfed you and pulled you back down into the depths.

They had taken everything out of you. There was nothing left to give. You let out a shaky breath, your arms shook as you moved them because your muscles wouldn’t stop spasming. Moving together, you felt Ubbe’s lips on your clavicle and Hvitserk kissed you on the other side, on your shoulder. You realised that they were probably able to look at one another and briefly wondered what kind of silent communication was going on between them at the moment.

“Just a bit longer, hot stuff.” Those words reminded you that they weren’t done yet and you gritted your teeth when Hvitserk started pounding your ass in earnest to push himself over the edge. He was relentless, pushing you to lengths that you hadn’t thought possible before this. You were grateful when his rhythm finally faltered and he pulled out suddenly. You were so far gone at that point that you barely noticed that he painted your back with streaks of his cum. “Fuuuuuuuuck…”

The second that Hvitserk had pulled away, Ubbe grabbed handfuls of your ass and flipped you over with a growl. You yelped when your back connected with the mattress, but your noises were quickly silenced when he pressed his lips down on yours in a fiery kiss. Silencing your cries, he buried himself inside of you again in one quick thrust and started snapping his hips against yours hard and fast as he sought his own release.

Your nails scratched at his skin like you were some wild animal that was caught in the final death throes as some predator tried to rip its throat out. You wailed as Ubbe drove himself into you deeper and deeper, your whole body burning up as he managed to pull yet another climax out of you. His body dropped down on yours, his arms unable to hold him up anymore and your name was one long drawn out moan on his lips when he finally spilled his seed deep inside of you.

“Fuck.” He was taking deep gulps of air into his lungs, just as out of breath as you were. Your hands were still lazily wrapped around him and you slid them up to his head now so you could scratch at his shaved sides with your fingernails. He chuckled and then said, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” You sounded so hoarse that your throat was burning with every word that came out of your mouth. “That was incredible.”

“Laying on top of you.” He pressed his hips against yours one last time before rolling off of you. When his already softening cock slipped out of your pussy, you could feel a trail of fluid trickling out. “Didn’t break you, did I?”

“Just my voice, big guy.”

“Good,” he replied with a smirk. “Wouldn’t want to break that sweet pussy of yours.”

“You’re such a sweet talker,” you replied with a giggle. “I don’t think I can walk anymore.”

“Mission accomplished, brother,” Hvitserk said from your other side. He reached out and started running his hand up and down your torso lazily, his fingers edging down lower with every pass. You pushed his hand away several times, but he would not be deterred. He propped himself up with his arm so he could look you in the eye. “I wanna eat you out.”

“Serk… I can’t...” “You can take it,” he said before you could finish your sentence. “Last one. I promise.”

“But Ubbe just…”

“So?” Before you could protest any more, he’d pushed himself up on his knees and moved to sit in between your legs. He loomed over you, his hands settling on your neck and then skimmed them down your chest. Your muscles spasmed in protest, but he ignored it. “Brother.”

Ubbe pushed himself up into a sitting position and pulled you against his chest. His big hands cupped your breasts, fingers playing with your nipples lazily. Hvitserk settled down on his stomach and pushed your thighs further apart. He blew hot air on your overworked pussy first then he dipped his head down and covered your swollen lips with his mouth. Hvitserk moaned against your core when he caught a taste of your juices mixed in with his older brother’s seed.

“Christ,” you said breathlessly, your hips coming off the mattress to push up against his face. “I can’t take this…”

“Shhh,” Ubbe crooned in your ear, his tone encouraging. “You’re a little trooper, you can handle anything.” The corner of your mouth twitched up and you bit your lower lip to stop yourself from crying out loudly. “Told you that he loves doing this… might as well let him...”

*****

Unsurprisingly, you had fallen asleep again afterwards.

When you woke up again, you lay between them once more, enveloped in their warmth. Ubbe’s chest was pressed against your back, his breathing slow and steady. Hvitserk was in front of you, his hand lazily rubbing up and down your side. He wasn’t aware that you had woken up until you craned your head to look at the window and tried to figure out what time it was. There was a lot more light streaming through the curtains than there was when you first woke up. But it was practically impossible to determine whether that meant that it was morning or midday.

Before you could check if there was a clock hanging on one of the walls, Hvitserk had already cupped your face and pulled your head back down so he could kiss you. “Morning.” You caught sight of his beautiful smile before he moved back in again.

“Still morning then?”

“Think so.” He kept kissing you while the two of you talked. “Why? You got somewhere else you need to be?”

“I’d like to get out of bed at one point or another.”

“I won’t let you.” He started grinning against your lips and then he slid his tongue into your mouth when you meant to talk again. “We can stay here all day if you want to.”

“If either of you fucks me again, I might be forced to do just that.” Hvitserk seemed to think that you had meant that and one of his hands slid down your body a bit too quickly, like he was in a rush. You willingly opened your thighs for him and he nipped at your bottom lip when he found out that you were already getting aroused. “That was not an invitation.”

“You opened your legs for me,” he retorted. “I’d say that was an invitation.”

His fingers worked to get you more wet by the second and soon you were so soaked that you could hear his digits move as he slid them up and down. But you also were fully awake by now and somehow determined not to make it easy on him. You slammed your legs shut suddenly, trapping his hand between them. When he tried to twist his hand away, you clenched down harder and started giggling when he huffed in frustration.

“You are such a little tease.” He tried to sound annoyed, but you could feel him grinning against your skin when he ran his lips over your jaw. He used the same words back when the two of you were younger. He was constantly telling you how much you teased him, even over things that had not even remotely been meant to provoke a reaction from him. Somehow he managed to pull his hand free and he surged his hips forward so his erection was pressing against the top of your thigh. “Open up for me, baby.”

“No.” It was difficult to keep this up when you wanted it just as badly as he did, but you tried to fight the urge just a little bit longer. Making him work for it had always been very arousing to you and it still seemed to affect you now. Hvitserk had been quite prone to losing his cool and you always took some odd kind of satisfaction out of being the one that tipped him over the edge. “I think I want to get out of bed now.”

“Like hell you are,” he grumbled. Suddenly, he grabbed your hands which had been pressed against his chest, pulled you away from Ubbe and pushed you on your back. He caged you in his arms, his loose hair tickling your face, and he flashed you a grin before he descended on your neck. You couldn’t help but moan when he started sucking marks on the column of your throat which he then swiped his tongue over. “Still like pushing me.”

“Uh-huh.” He rammed his knee in between your thighs and pried them open. “You always act like some wild animal when I hold out on you.”

He barked out a laugh. Reaching down suddenly to grab one of your thighs forcefully, he pulled it to the side so he could move his narrow hips in between the opening that he had just created. His cock brushed up against your wet folds and he ran it over them teasingly a few times. He dipped his head down further and dragged his lips over your sternum. When he turned his mouth to the side, he started sucking on your skin and when he pulled away to look at what he had done, you saw that a red mark was already forming on the top of your breast.

“I want you so bad,” he whispered and he reached down so he could line himself up. “Always wanted you.” He didn’t allow you any time to prepare, because he plunged himself into you with one quick slam of his hips. “Fuck, baby. I’m not gonna last.”

“Me neither.” His movements were hurried and when you let out a loud moan, Ubbe stirred next to you and your eyes darted over to him for a split second. “Won’t he…”

“Not unless you start screaming,” he managed to get out in between grunts. “And you’re gonna have to be loud.”

“So make me,” you countered.

There was another laugh and he pulled out just so he could thrust back inside. “Fuck. Your. Pussy. Is. So. Fucking. Needy.” Every single one of his words was punctuated by a thrust. You wrapped your legs around his narrow waist and dug your heels into his ass in an attempt to guide his movements a little. It only made him pound into you all the harder.

Hvitserk really seemed to be taking your comment about not being able to leave the bed if someone fucked you again quite seriously. For he seemed very determined to make sure that you would never be able to walk again. Every time that he tore a louder moan from your throat, he laughed breathlessly, pulled out completely for a few short seconds before continuing his onslaught. You could feel your body start to burn, a combination of your impending orgasm and from your muscles having been worked to within an inch of their lives.

You cupped his face with your hands and pulled him down so you could press an open-mouthed kiss on his lips. It was more sloppy than anything else, but you hoped that he also caught on to how it was meant to be received as a loving gesture. He attempted to deepen the kiss, but it was an entirely futile effort. You were both panting too hard to be able to do anything else other than just share each other’s hot breath. Frustrated that what he wanted to do wasn’t exactly working, he growled once and pressed his forehead against yours instead.

Since you didn’t have to hold his face in place anymore, you slid your hands through his hair. When you twisted your fingers in a few strands and gave a light tug, you noticed that a few muscles in his face twitched and that his eyes fluttered shut momentarily. Hvitserk obviously liked having his hair pulled. You wouldn’t be entirely surprised if that was the main reason why he kept it long to begin with.

The muscles in your thighs spasmed, tightening around him as your climax started to build. You made a noise that was halfway between a sob and a moan and despite somehow knowing that your combined noises had woken up Ubbe a while ago, you were still surprised when a hand suddenly shoved itself in between your bodies, a single long finger finding your swollen clit with ease and swirling around it in hurried movements.

It took everything you had in you not to scream your release straight into Hvitserk’s face, though knowing him, he probably would have loved that. Instead, you bit your lower lip hard enough so that you could taste the metallic tang of your own blood. Your orgasm burned through you in the same manner that a fire would rush through a forest if there was a strong wind to make it spread faster, burning everything in its path. Hvitserk in turn was unable to keep looking at you and dropped his head down to your neck. He repeated your name over and over again, his hips managing just a few more tiny thrusts before he finished.

You were vaguely aware of Ubbe moving next to you, mumbling something about breakfast before he disappeared altogether and left you alone with Hvitserk.

Hvitserk’s breath was still coming hard and fast. It took you a while before you were able to move again and every muscle in your body burned like you’d just run a marathon. For no reason at all, you poked a finger in his side lazily and when he laughed, you laughed along with him. It was that infectious. But when he suddenly stopped laughing and went quiet, you ran your hands up and down his back. You got the feeling that he was building up to something and waited patiently for him to vocalise it.

“Is this…” You could feel his Adam's apple moving when he swallowed hard to moisten his throat. “Is this real?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Dunno.” He suddenly pushed himself up with his arms so he could look you in the eye as his face hovered over yours. “Could be dreaming.”

“Are you implying that I’m just a figment of your imagination? Hm? Is that what I am?”

“Maybe.” He sounded slightly unsure of himself for some unfathomable reason. “Who knows what you are.”

“Serk.” You cupped his face very much like you did earlier and simply held him while you peered deeply into his hazel eyes. “I’m just me. Same as I’ve always been.” Lifting your head off the pillow, you gave him a light kiss. “You’re acting funny.”

“Am I?” He tried to turn his head to look away, but you firmly kept him in place. Something was up, but you didn’t know what was wrong since he was being evasive for some reason. “You know something…”

“Hmm?” He kissed you this time and since you weren’t panting messes at the moment, he could deepen the kiss. Your mouths moved together with ease, like this was how it was supposed to be. You hummed contently when he broke the kiss and started leaving light kisses all over your face instead. “What were you gonna say?”

“What?” You just caught sight of his radiant smile before he left alternating kisses on your eyelids. “Wasn’t going to say anything.”

“You were.” His movements got more urgent and you pinched his side. “Don’t distract me.”

“I wasn’t!”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Later.” When you looked less than impressed, he sighed deeply and nuzzled his nose against your neck to leave gentle kisses in a place where he wouldn’t be able to see your facial expression. “I promise.” He dipped his head down lower so he could drag his lips over your clavicles. “I just… it feels like I’ll ruin everything if I say it.”

“You know you’re only making me more curious, right?”

“I’m sorry.” He halted his movements and laid his head on your chest. You wrapped one arm around his shoulders and placed the other one on the top of his head. “Can we just lay here for a bit longer?”

“If that’s what you want.”

What Hvitserk had wanted to tell you was still a complete mystery by the time that he released you and pulled you along with him to get out of bed, but it was pretty clear that he was slowly building up to that so you decided not to pressure him.

He would tell you in his own time...

[lochnessies]

hi sorry i searched your blog for this but i couldn't find anything, (tumblr search sucks) but i could have sworn you made a post at some point about how meritocracies are inherently ableist. was that indeed you? if so could you point me toward a tag/keywords for it?

if you don't have the spoons to do that that's ok too <3

hey nonnie! i have talked about meritocracies and how they’re ableist in the past but i don’t tag my posts very well so it’s been lost to the void. i have a lot to say on them but since this is about ableism i’ll just keep to that topic. also sorry for taking a couple of days, like you said, i didn’t have a lot of spoons to type out anything detailed.

true meritocracies, while looking great on paper, are unrealistic and don’t create the equality they claim to promote. rather, it only tries to create justifications for inequality by saying only successful people have skill and lambasts the unsuccessful as incompetent.

in meritocracies, you have to prove your value, and you can only do that by conforming to whatever skills or qualities whoever in charge believes to be the best. the concept of worth is a wholly arbitrary, defined by people and circumstances outside your control. rather than a level paying field, the odds are stacked against you. you only get rewarded if you are “the best” and not everyone can compete in such an environment. it creates a minority that runs the show as the elite with everyone else falling by the wayside.

this is where disability comes in. people with them, both mental and physical, are not built for such an environment. not saying it’s impossible for some, but we have limitations that are different from those who are able bodied.

a very common example is the perfect attendance rule in schools. if you don’t miss any classes, and are always on time, you might get extra credit. this is used to distinguish the best students from the rest and reward them accordingly. however, as someone with a disability (t1d), no matter how well i did in the class and how high my grades were, there was absolutely no way i could get perfect attendance.

i have doctor’s appointments that i have to go to, there are days i can’t get out of bed because i was up all night due to a high blood sugar that wouldn’t go down or frequent lows that made breathing difficult and required me to stay awake to fix. my immune system is shot so i get sick very easily and catch every bug and flu that goes around the school. there have been times that i’m in the hospital because i went into dka so i’m bedridden for a few days. and because of this, it was seen as a lack of merit and stopped me from getting extra credit despite my grades.

that’s how meritocracies work with disabilities but on a socio-political level. it doesn’t matter what you can do despite your disability, if it’s not what is chosen by those in power it doesn’t matter. you will be left out of the rewards and forced to live in poverty and have no chance in politics.

now, bringing this into fire emblem is mostly irrelevant. intsys doesn’t care about telling the story of those with disabilities and whatnot. they use the idea of merit to give a vague impression of forcing others to stand on their own rather than build a sense of community and work together.

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 18

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you’re given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can’t relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier.

A/N: so sorry I’ve been slow with updating Tumblr - my blog was shadowbanned (basically Tumblr hid my blog in searches, notifications, tags, etc.) and it just got fixed so I’m working to update here!

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

“You’re back,” Dr. G smiled as you plopped down in the seat across from her. 

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and instead forced a tight smile. “I’m back,” you confirmed with a dramatic nod for emphasis. You didn’t know why you were feeling so hostile. You had shown up here willingly this time. 

Bucky didn’t even know you were seeing your therapist again. But it wasn’t exactly like he was around to find out. He had left for his mission yesterday in the very early morning and you were now on constant edge. You didn’t know what he would encounter. You knew none of it was at your clearance level seeing as you had no government clearance level to begin with but still… You didn’t like that anything that went wrong would come back to you in the depths of your sleep. Even if Bucky had shared everything step-by-step, any mishap was another blow. Even if everything went right, you feared you were bound to see something. 

“Would you like to share anything?” Your therapist asked, disrupting your spiraling thoughts. It was like she knew and, well, maybe she did. You really did kind of suck at hiding your emotions. You could practically feel your face darkening with worry. 

“Bucky and I learned something about us recently,” you said a bit nervously but Dr. G nodded in encouragement. You tried to steady your breathing and continued, “Our soulmate bond has been disrupted. It happened when he was part of Hydra — I mean, not like part of. That makes it sound like he joined willingly which he absolutely did not—,”

Your therapist said your name sharply, cutting off your words. “I know what you meant,” she said.

You nodded briefly, recomposing yourself, and began again, “While under Hydra, he was brainwashed and in that process, they thought they had rid him of his soulmate. But, turns out, all they were doing was tampering with the transmission lines. This means any sort of trauma or… or really emotional occurrences in Bucky’s life gets passed along to me, intercepting any, well, normal dreams. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Nothing?”

You glanced away. “Well, I’ve asked him to retire to maybe… minimize the damage.”

Dr. G nodded as she scribbled something on her notepad. She let out an interesting hum. “How did Bucky respond to that?”

You fought back the urge to roll your eyes. You weren’t really upset with him, more angered by the situation. “It took him a second to come around to the idea and, sure, eventually he did but then he was given another mission. A mission he couldn’t turn down.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Another feeling of annoyance flashed across you at the cliche therapist speak but you could also recognize the question for its worth. Someone was actually asking you how you felt about the new, and last, mission. Lord knows Bucky hadn’t.

You bit your lip, feeling tears already threatening to run down your cheeks. “It made me feel bad, to put it simply. I just felt horrible and scared. I know that with time it’ll go away and maybe we’ll find some peace but I’m just really hurt it has to be this way.”

More notes were scribbled. “How did Bucky react to hearing that?” Dr. G asked without looking up. You shifted awkwardly in your seat, fiddling with your fingers out of habit. Your therapist glanced up once her writing has finished. Her brows raised as you struggled to find an answer.

“He doesn’t really know.”

Your therapist placed her pen on her notepad and leaned forward in her chair, eyeing you a bit upsettingly. “Do you remember what I told you during your last session?”

Talking. Talking, talking, talking. Just let it out. How could you forget? That’s exactly what you had done and while it made some kind of progress, you were still stuck at this godforsaken dead end for the time being. 

You picked at the chair cushion. “He didn’t ask,” you sighed. “Besides, what good was it going to do? I couldn’t have stopped the mission.”

Dr. G shrugged. “No, I doubt you could’ve, but that’s not the point. The point is you’re hurting and your soulmate needs to know this, especially when it involves him. You can’t beat around the bush or try to sidestep this kind of stuff. Be gentle, yes, but little progress can be made if everything is bottled in.”

“Well, doc, I’m sorry to break it to you, but I’m sure he knows very well how I feel about all of this,” you snapped back. “Think I made myself super clear during our first conversation about retirement.”

“Fine,” she shrugged. “Assume he did. Assume Bucky knew everything that was going through your mind. Did it open any conversation?”

Your shoulders slumped. You looked away. 

Dr. G continued, “My point exactly. Of course, you don’t want to hurt him but you can’t hurt yourself in the process. How many people actually knew about the nightmares to begin with?”

“None,” you mumbled. And it was, sadly, the truth. Your coworker was the first to know. You hadn’t even had the guts to tell your parents. 

“I’m sure I make it sound easier than it really is but there are some benefits to it over time,” your therapist said after a moment. 

You let out a dramatic sigh. “You’re kind of annoying, you know that?”

Your therapist laughed. “You’ve been wanting to bite back for a while, haven’t you?” You didn’t answer. She shrugged. “Already testing out those communication skills I see.”

You let yourself roll your eyes this time.

***

It was nearing midnight when your cell phone rang. You jumped, suddenly disturbed by the ringtone as you laid on your couch watching some sitcom reruns. You frowned in confusion as you stretched to reach your phone on the coffee table. You weren’t expecting any calls.

You turned the screen around and were greeted by one name: Bucky. You just about yelped when it registered he was calling you -- and from his mission, amazingly. You sat up quickly and answered.

“Hi, Buck,” you greeted, hopefully sounding a bit more cheerful than you felt. Your therapy session from the morning still had you a bit shaken. 

“Hey, doll,” Bucky responded, his voice a bit hoarse. He sounded exhausted and...defeated. 

You sink into the couch. “Is everything going okay?” You guessed it wasn’t too weird he was reaching out while away but something was off in his voice. You thought you had already mentally prepared for the worst.

“For the most part,” he mumbled. “I have to tell you, sweetheart, it wasn’t smooth sailing. We… We all had to do some things we aren’t proud of.”

You shut your eyes, trying to reel in your panicked brain before you said something you’d regret. This couldn’t all fall on Bucky, it wasn’t fair. He had a job, one final job, and you were going to have to accept that. 

Regaining your voice, you said, “What… What things, Bucky?”

He fell silent on the other end. All you could hear was some soft breathing and others talking in the background. The rest of the team you could guess. You said his name into the receiver again.

“Just know I didn’t like what I had to do and I can’t wait to put this life behind me.”

If that was all you were getting from him, you’d have to accept it. “Okay,” you said, your voice cracking slightly. “I-I understand.” You didn’t really but you knew after tonight you definitely would.

Bucky took another pause. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“Bucky-,”

“You really do, sweetheart.”

“Bucky, please, listen,” you sighed. “While this isn’t ideal and I was very upset you just jumped on this assignment without speaking to me, I know it won’t be like this forever, right? 

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about the assignment before leaving,” Bucky responded. “I-I knew I couldn’t do anything about it but that’s still not fair to you. You deserve to be heard.”

“It’s okay, honey,” you said, fighting back some tears getting ready to start again. “You’re almost done, you’re almost back home.”

Bucky hummed. “I am,” he confirmed. “And when I get back I’m going to make up for all of this, I promise.”

You let out a weak laugh through the tears. “You can make it up to me by getting home safely.”

Bucky was about to say something else but was then cut off by someone yelling at him in the background. He gave a curt response before turning his attention back to you. “Sorry, doll, but I have to go. We have some debriefing to do.”

“Of course,” you said, waving a hand in the air like he could see you. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“See you soon, sweetheart,” he said. “Love you.”

The line cut before you had the chance to say the words back. You held your phone out in front of you, staring at your lit homescreen, shocked and overwhelmed. He loved you. And he had said it.

***

You were dreading getting ready to go to sleep but, at the same time, your body was practically begging for it. You were finally getting back into the swing of working and now with therapy sessions on top, you couldn’t believe how exhausting life was. As if you had forgotten at some point. 

But with that craved moment of relaxation, an unnerving threat lurked. 

You practically moved with caution when it came to your nighttime routine now. You washed your face carefully and precisely. You scrubbed every tooth again and again for a good minute. Even combing out your hair seemed to be tedious. 

It was all sad attempts at procrastination and you knew it but what could you do? It wasn’t like you were jumping into bed happily no matter how much your body screamed. 

When there was no more to do in your routine, you had to accept it. You had to finally lay down in your bed, let your head hit the pillow, curl up under the duvet, and welcome whatever kind of sleep was going to greet you. 

Almost immediately, you were hit with everything.

As always, you’re seeing it in glimpses from Bucky’s eyes, from his mind. In this instance, he appears to be located in some kind of warehouse. It almost reminded you of where you had been taken to but abandoned.

At first, Bucky seems pretty calm and collected. He’s assessing his surroundings and mapping out a plan. He says something to the person next to them. You can’t see them and possibly you don’t want to. 

They agree with whatever Bucky has suggested but before their plan can commence, they’re both attacked. Guns blazing, doors busting, a whole goddamn ambush. You’re panicking, you feel Bucky panicking. But it doesn’t last long for him. No, within seconds he’s in destruction mode, stomping towards the pop-up army - you don’t even know what they’re part of - dodging bullets and taking them down one by one. 

Some others are helping out it seems but you’re only allowed to be consumed with Bucky’s take on the situation. Despite how much you don’t want to be, especially when he… You see the glint of his metal arm rush past. They’re dying. Being killed. These soldiers or whatever are dropping left and right around him. You feel Bucky’s pulsing anger. He has no plans of slowing down. You feel the tension in his arm as he strangles another and another and another. At one point, he even throws some across the room.

They’re finished. No more men pour in. The rest of the team has stopped. They’re all looking at Bucky, wide-eyed and nervous. You feel his fury turn to shame. You didn’t know the mission’s expectations but you could guess they didn’t exactly involve this much death. No one says anything as they move on. 

The images fade but the feelings don’t. You suddenly want to cry in your sleep feeling Bucky’s distraught and embarrassment. 

Unable to deal with it anymore, you force yourself awake, everything vanishing as your eyes open. You look around your dark room. The clock beside your bed reads just past three a.m. 

You curl back into your blanket and face the wall. You stare at it for the rest of the night, heart pounding and hands shaking.

[evakuality]

Matteo - Episode three

Social Media - There’s so much of it this week!  At the time, I only followed a couple of accounts and then only saw the rest when it was posted to the tag.  I think I’m grateful for that.  This is absolutely overwhelming, the sheer volume of things the characters were putting out.  But it’s also really nice that we get all this normal teenage life stuff.  It really does allow an immersive ‘this is real people doing real stuff’ feeling to everything.  Particularly people like Kiki and Sam who have little to do with the plot.  It keeps them real and alive through a season where they were a bit more sidelined (and I love that Matteo and David’s little trip later on keeps them alive in a way that doesn’t overpower Amira’s season - this is a really clever way for the producers to keep fan favourites active without having to shoehorn them into places where they don’t belong).  I am also a bit concerned about some of this though - how on earth did the boys not get in trouble for filming the dancing girls and posting it to social media?  At most schools I know that would have resulted in some serious discipline action.  However, the most fascinating thing about the social media is the party at the end of the episode.  Sara didn’t start posting much on her stuff until much later in the evening (the reason this post is so late is because I was waiting to watch through all the social media before I worked with it - and there was so much for so long that I was able to notice the patterns in it in a way I didn’t at the time) and then Leonie took over and it was interesting what she chose to show and how non-perfect it all was compared to what Sara was trying to do before she got really incapacitated.  I know it’s not technically part of this episode but the text string between the two of them the next day where Sara panics over how Matteo might take seeing her in such a sloppy drunken state is very telling.  She really really wants to put on a show to make sure he’s not turned off by her not being ‘perfect’ - again, this is all very subtly done but there’s a really strong push to show how much of what is put onto social media isn’t a real and true depiction of who we really are.  And of course that’s most important for Matteo himself.  He’s still very actively putting on a front and it’s only partly to try to cover for the fact that he’s interested in boys not girls.  He’s really not happy or at ease with pretty much any aspect of himself, but he’s also not really willing to show it to anyone.  Except David.  Which we’ll see as we go through the clips.

Clip one - Matteo’s shelf in the fridge is so sad!  Someone (a parent maybe?) should really be making sure he has food and is looking after himself.  We touched a bit last episode on food and nurturing and what we see here is Matteo very much not nurturing himself.  Even more so than Sara, he has no care for his own wellbeing.  Also he’s relying heavily on other people (Hans in this case) to do the heavy lifting for him.  It’s also a major contrast to the playful, if disgusting, sandwich he made with David.  Here it’s really just about putting something in to his body and there’s no thought for anything other than basic survival.  Which is, tbh, a good metaphor for Matteo’s approach to his life at this time.  The chat with Mia again veers close to things that are difficult for Matteo - he’s wearing David’s beanie, trying to get that bit of closeness to him, but then Mia starts asking awkward questions about why the kitchen was so terrible and what Matteo was up to and it’s all a bit tough.  Matteo tries again to deflect and lie to cover his tracks.  Which... is he ever going to learn?  This lying is forever getting him in hot water when he’s caught out.  Jonas even calls him out on it, basically saying ‘if you’re going to use me as an excuse then give me a heads up first’ showing that he has Matteo’s back, but is incapable of helping him if he won’t help himself.  At this point, of course, Matteo has closed off because there’s a lot he finds too hard to talk about but Jonas is already giving those hints that he’d be there for Matteo if only Matteo would let him be.  But at least Mia’s pushing serves one purpose - Matteo makes contact with David again and they manage to connect and get over the little hitch that David’s ditching caused.  Both are still hiding bits of themselves from each other (David more so obviously), but both are quite happy to make these connections and are comfortable with each other.  That David responds is so nice; it sets up the dynamic so different to the original and Matteo is much more secure in David’s friendship than Isak was with Even at this point just because of this.  Then of course Matteo does the gay test, and it’s clear he already knows but he’s just sort of trying to work through some things.  It leads to some of the things he says later that are quite unfortunate (both to the boys about the dance teacher in this episode and to Hans later about the ways to be gay), but I think there’s a genuine desire to figure out what gay might look like rather than any truly homophobic stuff.  societal expectations and stereotypes and our own internal biases mess with us big time!!

Clip two - There’s not a lot of difference with the dancing girls clip, but it’s nice to see David again and the interactions between him and Matteo are a lot more natural than with Isak and Even.  I guess because these two are in the same year, it’s much easier to pass off knowing each other and so Matteo really is a lot more casual than Isak ever was.  The tone of the ‘why does he have to be so gay’ is different here too - Matteo’s much more low key and subdued when he’s called out on ‘why do we insult gays’ and he’s apologising fairly quickly.  It really is much more obvious that he’s trying to work out what ‘gay’ is than trying to distance himself from the idea of being gay.  He has a lot of issues and a lot of stuff to work through but it’s entrenched in an entirely different way to the og even though the words are almost exactly the same.  The power of acting and body language!!  Of course, this makes sense for both characters too - Isak and Matteo have different experiences and different lives and so they each act in a way that makes sense for them.  I’m super impressed that the same conversation can look so different - both actors are very very good.

Clip three - This scene with Matteo and Sara works much better for me than the one with Isak and Emma.  But perhaps that’s because Sara is allowed to be much more of a rounded character rather than a plot device.  We can say all we like (and Leonie is so clearly right there with us) that Sara needs to wake up and see how badly Matteo is treating her, but the way this is developing makes it clear why she thinks and acts the way she does and we can have a lot of sympathy for her even while rolling our eyes at how obviously this is not working out.  This right here is the moment where Matteo really should have said ‘yeah sorry, this isn’t working for me’ but he chooses not to because he still wants that security of having ‘someone’ if the thing with David turns out the way he expects it to (eg, David and Leonie being a thing).  He wants the ability to hide and say ‘see, there was nothing there, I have a girlfriend so I’m not at all upset that David has one too’ and it’s shitty behaviour and it’s totally unfair to Sara, but at this point Matteo can’t see beyond his own needs.  Sara is very clearly not happy with the situation and she rightly feels sidelined and unappreciated but she is still willing to accept his word when she puts those words into his mouth.  She’s still invested in this fantasy in her head and she is carefully scripting it so that it goes the way she wants it to.  Like last week when she was talking over Matteo to avoid hearing anything he’s saying, here she’s literally telling him what to say to get the outcome she wants.  Leonie has quite obviously got a better handle on the situation, but Sara doesn’t want to hear it.  Sara, again bless her, is very open about what she wants and needs from a relationship and how she’s feeling.  She refuses to take Matteo’s very half-hearted attempt at sweet talking her at face value and demands some accountability.  But it’s the very nature of those demands that sets her doom.  She tells him what she needs and he gives it to her - only it’s a very pale and weak imitation of what she would really like.  He uses her communication skills to play her.

Clip four - I loathe how no-one takes Matteo’s wants and needs into account, pretty much ever.  He’s in such a rut of being used to just going with the flow that even when he tries to assert his own wants people straight up ignore him.  It’s sad that he allows Kiki etc to basically commandeer his home for their party but it’s very much in keeping with how everything else is going.  Last week, Kiki was super irritated because she had a picture of how things were going to go (they would have their event and Matteo would host it) and she couldn’t deal with things not being under her control.  I suspect that if Sara hadn’t been with them and hadn’t done the speaking for Matteo, he would have been bullied into doing what she wanted then too.  He clearly doesn't want to do this , but at least he uses it as a way to get closer to David.  ‘Well, this party idea sucks, but maybe I can get this guy I like there’ and so he goes right up to him and invites him.  While he’s quite checked out of significant parts of his life, when Matteo really wants something he’s not scared of going after it.  Of course, as we see in later events, this gets him in trouble at times.  But for right now it’s nice to see him taking some small control of his life.  This is only possible, of course, because he was able to connect with David fairly quickly after he left last week.  The fact that they are able to do this is testament to how easily they do understand each other and even while its awkward, this relationship doesn’t have the underlying tensions that the one with Sara does.  It’s awkward in a positive way.

Clip five - there’s lots going on in this one.  The studying and how little interest and engagement Matteo has with it.  The consequent stalking of David on Sara’s account, the flow over into looking for David’s favourite movie, and of course Hans and his intrusion into Matteo’s quiet space again and then his attempt at using grindr.  It’s a slow, fairly quiet clip and yet Matteo ends up doing a lot in it.  It shows again, I think, just how much he values his time by himself and how much it works for him to be allowed to do things at his own pace.  I’ve said before I really enjoy seeing the characters in their own environments being chill and just hanging with themselves.  It shows us a lot of how they are.  In this case, Matteo moves very quickly from the boredom of the studying to things he has more interest in.  Like David.  He’s restless and disengaged, using all of his tricks to try to distract himself (playing with plants etc) and then very quickly giving up on what he should do.  I like that we get these sorts of smaller, lower key indications of how much David means to him as well.  It’s not big grandiose expressions of interest, but he watches the movie because David likes it.  He can’t even let himself stare at the picture for too long because it feels like a huge admission (he literally breaks eye contact with it and looks away the way he often does with David himself).  It’s in these unguarded moments in his own space that we really see Matteo and he’s a mess, but he’s a mess who really does want connection and to find meaning with someone.  

Clip six - We all love this one, right?  It’s such a nice moment with David and their almost-kissing is very intense.  But there’s a lot going on before that that I also want to look at.  First, the way the boys call Matteo a ‘player’?????? how???? That’s his girlfriend?????  He is playing her and stringing her along when he shouldn’t, but he’s not playing the field which is generally what we mean when we say this sort of thing.  He has one girl and that one girl has made it pretty clear that he is hers.  In many ways Matteo would be better off if he was playing the field - then there’s no expectations and he gets a rep as a ladies man.  But this works better for him - he can sort of fall into it and follow along with it without having to put any effort in at all.  She literally speaks for him, even.  I have always found it fascinating how much Matteo keeps to himself in this clip.  He hugs the walls like they’re his home and Sara is out there in the middle and there’s such a disconnect between the way they’re both acting.  How would Matteo have coped with the expectations Sara outlines about sex had she not got so blind drunk she had to be taken home?  It seems like it would have led to something very awkward and maybe she’d have finally got the picture.

Laura's little visit to see Matteo is cute too.  Obviously she knows that David is interested and so she checks him out.  It’s a shame it’s interrupted by Hans who then monopolises Matteo, but she was quite deliberate in finding him and speaking with him and I love the sibling support.  David’s shirt he chooses to appeal to Matteo is hilarious too.  The thought process (and the discussions with Laura at home beforehand) must have been brilliant.  ‘I always wear black and am mysterious and aloof and cool, but to attract this boy I will wear a white shirt with a stupid picture on it’ - that it does attract Matteo just shows how attuned David is to his future boyfriend.  Maybe he’s stalking the instagrams too - the Matteo Monday and Florenzi Friday do suggest that this is something that might appeal to Matteo.  

Hans and Andi bother me too.  In much the same way that I dislike that Sara assumes that Matteo not wanting sex with her means he’s gay (like?  It’s okay not to want sex!!  It doesn’t say anything about your sexuality), I don’t like that Hans has talked about Matteo to Andi and allows him to be so forward and aggressively sexual with someone who is very obviously not willing to be out.  I know Hans is trying to be there for Matteo and to encourage him to accept himself (I think it’s pretty clear that he knows or thinks Matteo likes guys).  But this is a party with all of Matteo’s friends.  What did they think would happen?  Why did they think he’d react in any way other than the one he does?  Hans looks confused when Matteo pushes away and leaves, but why?  This behaviour is entirely consistent with everything we know of his character. That it ends in an actual panic attack makes it all much more sad and difficult to watch.  Honestly, outing people when they’re not ready is not cool and Hans should know this.

The panic attack itself is so well done.  There’s no dialogue and yet we can see very obviously how Matteo is feeling and just how ‘normal’ this is to him.  He has a set of behaviours that he follows to try to take the edge off.  He throws things (this is his go-to when he’s stressed and he does it a LOT), he tries weed and he finally tries music and sitting by himself, cuddling a cushion for comfort.  I know a million people have discussed this at length, but I don’t think we can speak about this clip without at least touching on it.  Everything about it is done so well and it all combines to allow Matteo’s feelings to shine through.  I love that it’s allowed to happen at a party and that we see very clearly how these things can be overwhelming for characters.  I won’t go on anymore, but it’s just great and the acting is so perfect.  I genuinely think this small part of this clip is probably my favourite acting out of everything in this show.

And then of course we have the stuff after everyone else has left.  Again, a million people have discussed this in a million ways, but I love how this scene again shows how easily they get each other, how good they are at communicating with each other and how quickly they get on the same page.  Matteo has no trouble at all saying what he thinks and pressing for information.  This parallels Sara in some ways - she is like this with Matteo, making her wants and needs clear and putting herself on the line.  Again, this is all very good set up for later on when Matteo finally finds himself in her position and realises just how much his behaviour hurt her because he’s living her side.  However, unlike Matteo, David is quite clear and honest back.  And that’s why they can so quickly move into a potential kiss.  As with Matteo and Sara, there are close ups as they lean into each other, but somehow it feels like there’s more space for them to breathe here.  The camera allows them both to be in the frame naturally, whether Sara is often invading into Matteo’s shots.  Here, they’re both on board and both want it.  I like that Matteo gets a moment to be open and himself after his experience with Andi.  It must take a lot of courage to do this after he was so badly affected earlier.  Testament to David’s calming presence which reassures rather than pushes, and how honest they are with each other - there’s no way David could miss how relieved Matteo is when he finds out that Laura is David’s sister not his girlfriend.  They’re both very brave here - David for telling Matteo he looks good and Matteo for trying to take that next step even after his panic attack.   And I think that’s a nice place to leave this.  Because that’s already such a lot and this has all already been said before.