#somehow it feels like the only normal areas in this fandom are

[zer0expektation]

I love Sam so so much that is my little brother, but soo many of Sam fans either hating Dean or shipping wincest makes we want to peel off my own skin STOOOOPPP

[haliteatiger]

Happy Werewolf Wednesday, ya'll! We're serving up a big pot of tea tonight so get those cups ready!

Special thanks to Blackbackedjackal and King for their help in putting this together, editing, and especially to Jackal for being so supportive and encouraging. I'm very much not normally the type to do call-out posts, but people need to be aware of Dogblud, as she has hurt, not only myself, but quite a few others as well, and seems to have somehow gotten away with behaving like this for 20-odd years. I'm of the mind she shouldn't be allowed to do so any more, hence this post.

TL;DR - Beware of Dogblud, aka Ashryn, aka DogofBlud, aka ThatDogMagic. Very, very long post under the cut.

With everything happening with DogBlud and Blackbackedjackal's studio, I felt emboldened to come forward with my own experiences with her. This is something I've been carrying around since it happened roughly 2 years ago. It was one of the main reasons that put me off drawing werewolves, my own characters, or engaging any more in the fandom. I've hinted at it a few times but I've never had the energy to come forward and deal with the fall out. I wanted to move on with the rest of my life because IRL was more important than online drama. And I knew her behavior would come back to bite her sooner or later, regardless of what I did. 

It's been very validating to see that I was right.

It was around the time that Blud and I became friends that I was feeling a bit burnt out on werewolves. I'd been trying to pull together my own werewolf-related project for something close to 12 years. The past 4 years had also been pretty draining on me creatively and socially, as it had for a lot of artists with regards to the pandemic. I also had some IRL things I was dealing with: mainly with my marriage and transitioning between medications to manage my anxiety + bipolar.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to screenshot everything at the time. I do have logs from back when we roleplayed together. There are several conversations in them but because they were saved as text documents, they're pretty dubious in terms of solid evidence. 

It would have been better if I had taken screenshots as it was happening, rather than just saving the logs. With what I *do* have, however, I feel as though it may be enough to make the point that I'm trying to make, and to exhibit how horrible things got.

I'll provide some context.

I had talked with Blud on and off over the years, and we had always gotten along. We had a lot in common and after we had started talking more, our friendship eventually grew into a collaborative project. We were going to combine our stories and write a comic based on it. We had a lot of discussions on how Blud was reticent to do this in the beginning and how she wanted a contract to be made up so that in the event that something *did* happen, we could both walk away feeling like it was handled fairly.

Honestly, I should have listened to the first alarm that went off in my brain, when, in an act of ominous foreboding she said something along the lines of don't be so sure, it could happen. It was in response to me being like "we're getting along so well and share so much of a bond right now. I can't fathom that being a problem!" 

The contract never materialized. It was something we had decided to do *after* we had put together something of a prototype project to see how well we worked together. It made complete sense to me at the time as we were both eager to focus on the fun parts of writing and drawing together.

It was decided that I would be the lead artist (doing coloring and final lines) while Blud would do everything else (which was inking, layouts, and the majority of the writing). The both of us felt that she had more experience in those areas. I also believed that she had a better knack for it as well. I had felt that she had a better understanding of story structure than myself. And I thought that Blud had felt the same way about my art. That I had the experience to take point on that. 

Since I had collaborated with other artists and writers before, I attempted to approach the project with the same sort of professionalism I always do. Especially the projects that I genuinely thought stood a chance of being published in the future. We had started out trying to get a feel for each other's flows and rhythms. I had expected Blud to try and meet me in the middle of where our processes would potentially differ from one another, so that we could develop a fairly smooth workflow.

I had also expected, according to our discussions on the matter, that we would value each other's opinions on things and take them into consideration. We had such good synchronicity already.

In the beginning, there wasn't any unusual behavior that caught my attention. Blud was a bit uncomfortable with trying out new things but I did my best to accommodate her so that our project could move forward without too much turbulence. She had also mentioned to me before that she was autistic, and since my husband is also autistic, I knew how difficult it could be when it came to adapting to new routines. But when it was time for her to deliver the first set of layouts, it wasn't at all what I expected.

What I had expected was something with margins, clearly marked boxes, and figures that I could do rough lines over. I also expected notes that confirmed what we had discussed earlier about the project; that way I knew what she wanted or if there would be any changes. She took offense to this, feeling like I was violating our agreement. Though Blud did try to give me space with regards to the actual art, and while she would offer criticisms here and there, I trusted her opinion as an artist and as a friend. But apparently that didn't go both ways. In fact, Blud seemed to be offended that I expected more from her.

Blud agreed to concede. She suddenly seemed fine with the changes that I had asked for after seeing the layouts. I guess she was feeling overstimulated by the change and I might have been applying too much of a critical tone to her responses to begin with. I have had to deal with rejection sensitivity throughout my life and it's certainly prompted me to approach what people say to me online with a bit of scrutiny (sometimes too much).

And while I was mildly annoyed, although admittedly I was more concerned with Blud's overall reaction to my asking for clarification about several things in the layouts, I let it go. But it seemed like there was a problem. The majority of my ideas were either rejected or outright overridden with Blud convincing me that my faulty memory had made me unable to remember what we had agreed upon. Or that I might have been misremembering in my own favor.

There was one time where we were discussing a monster's design. Blud had already decided to settle on one design that she had come up with, even as I continued to offer other suggestions. The story was to take place in my setting, so I was under the impression that I got to decide what kind of creatures should populate it. The conversation ended somewhat ambiguously. I had assumed that we'd come to a solid conclusion later. 

I came back the next day and it turned out that we were using her design because that was what we had decided on. "Don't you remember? You really need to do something about that faulty memory of yours, Tek. I can't be doing this for you all the time."

At which point, Blud would go back and meticulously scour the conversation until she managed to find a set of lines that would make it seem as though I had 100% agreed. Even when I tried to explain that I had meant something else, she took it as an affront on her inability to understand nuances due to her autism.

I admit that my memory isn't that greatest at times, but I've never had anyone complain about it before. And none of my friends have ever minded providing reminders to me if I did misremember something incorrectly. We all forget stuff at times, right? It's *still* something that I'm self-conscious about because (like a lot of people with ADHD) my memory seems selective at times. This was, apparently, a problem that I needed to manage. 

And even as I'm remembering these incidents to the best of my ability, I've already spent so much time recounting all of this to friends. I feel confident in my recollection. There are some details that may overlap or become entwined with other things, but it all basically tells the same story. Especially in conjunction with what's been said by others. You're free to take it as hearsay since I do not have screenshots to back this up.

I will mention (since I've been told it's something that Blud has taken particular interest in) that at one point, I did have a crush on her. I was having some problems IRL, and it was nice to have someone whom I felt actually understood me. I also felt like I saw a lot of myself in her. I think that, at one point, I did describe her as the kind of "girlfriend" I would want. Blud seemed to indicate the feeling was mutual.

Between our collaborative partnership and all of the details we shared about our lives, it did feel like an intimate relationship at times. I had no intentions of pursuing it. We were not compatible in our romantic and sexual identities, and I had no intention of leaving my current partner for her.

I had begun to notice red flags, even if I wasn't ready to accept them yet.

I've had experience with abusive relationships in the past but they were in person, and not online. I knew what to look out for and yet I was being willfully ignorant about our friendship. I wanted to give Blud the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the project to work *so* badly that I was willing to work with her increasing demands as the months went by.

I had no idea that those demands would change into, quite literal, temper tantrums. It would then trigger my fawning response which was due to an abusive family situation that I had dealt with before I moved to Canada. The tactic was this: concede to someone until there was a time that they either understood reason or I had the chance to use it against them if necessary.

I started to take screenshots. I wish that I had taken a lot more of them so that everyone could get a better idea of what was happening. I did go back and manage to record the majority of the first outburst. It was the first inkling I had that Blud wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. I knew that that would be one of the first conversations that she would promptly delete. And consequently, I was right.

This assortment of screenshots will exhibit the first serious confrontation that Blud had with me. I am absolutely *not* proud of how I handled this. I was literally panicking at the time and doing whatever I could to get her to calm down. Because I have a temper that can look similar to this in person, I knew that I had to wait until the post-tantrum clarity would hit Blud. I tried my best to not lose my own temper in turn but looking back, I feel that I came off as sounding too timid.

I didn't want to ruin this project.

I wanted to make a comic with an individual that I admired and respected as a fellow artist. And, with me not knowing how to respond, my main priority was to not make things any worse than they already were.

Below is the conversation in its entirety:

I had taken this screenshot on my phone after I had stepped away to compose myself. Blud had handled the confrontation and criticism with a reasonable amount of apprehension. But what had not occurred to me was that I could have said something that would remind her of past experiences with a roleplaying group.

It was something that had evidently scarred Blud for life.

I took away the wrong things from what she had told me, choosing to focus on the aspects of the "betrayal" that had appeared to bother her the most. And in hindsight, I did not see the correlation. I was genuinely apologetic that I had hurt her feelings.

But I *will* critique Blud for her poor handling of the situation. Whether or not I had hurt her feelings, no one is entitled to act like this or claim that this is what attempting to resolve a problem should look like.

I wasn't sure on how to initially respond to Blud. It had been ages since I'd had to deal with someone flying off the handle like that.

The following screenshots are where the conversation picked up, after she had already deleted the above message:

We had weathered the "storm" and after Blud calmed down, she was ready to communicate. There was a part of me that was genuinely sincere when I apologized to her. I did mean it when I said that I had no intentions of hurting her and that I hadn't considered how my statement would sound to her.

I had hoped that this had been a stress response due to factors outside of our collaboration. And especially when I took into account how she had interacted with me in the past. I knew that Blud had a lot going on IRL, and that she had already put a considerable amount of energy into this project.

I had taken her meltdown more personally than she could perceive that I would, because this was something that was acceptable to her. She had a "condition" that would absolve her of these abhorrent meltdowns and I needed to get used to them if we were going to continue working on that project together.

I was shaking the entire time we were typing in the chat.

I was sincere in my responses. I really did want to work things out with Blud and give her the benefit of the doubt. I could have been taking the things that she said too personally or maybe I had been reading too much into the situation. Was there a chance that I could have been misreading her outburst? I tried my best to keep an open mind though I was still somewhat baffled by the fact that she would have meltdowns as often as she did.

I confided in my husband and some other friends about the situation. They were also bewildered by Blud's actions.

By this point, I was struggling with the reality that this collaboration was most likely *not* going to work out but I still wanted to try. I still cared about Blud. We would still hang out together and talk about things like music, our characters, or our stories.

While I did have the foresight to go back and screenshot this section, I wasn't fast enough to get screenshots of everything else that I will be going over. Blud *did* admit to going back and deleting certain exchanges due to a mixture of shame; not wanting to look at them when she would scroll through our conversations. 

In retrospect, it was very telling.

And even after that meltdown, I still enjoyed the friendship that I had with her. I kept my guard up but I was willing to make compromises on her behalf if it resulted in better communication between the two of us. Blud made me promise to immediately tell her if I had a problem with something. I also agreed to keep notes of our conversations.

It worked for the most part.

In the end though, it became apparent that Blud wasn't willing to do the same for me (even after we had an extended conversation about it). I then realized that I had been tasked with basically *managing* her autism for her. I was already busy with my supposedly "bad memory" at the time; and Blud was more than ready to scroll back up through our conversations to cherry-pick a line or two of text to remind me of what was said earlier.

Because, for her, circumstances couldn't ever change. If they did, it would mean that Blud had lost control of the situation and that she was in the wrong. She could *not* be in the wrong. 

And if she was in the wrong? It would take solid evidence, three witnesses, and a court of law to prove it.

She had two other major meltdowns after this. I managed to step away from communicating with her through one of them and I don't remember the other meltdown lasting very long. She immediately deleted the texts of both of those instances before I could take screenshots of them.

It seemed like I could do nothing right when it came to Blud, no matter the lengths I would go to accommodate her. I knew that it was a common tactic used by abusers. I finally accepted that our partnership wasn't going to work out and I began thinking about an exit strategy. The final straw was when she began to expect me to be at her beck and call.

I had promised that I would be there for her, within reason, and I was willing to offer reassurances whenever she would ask me for them. The promise had been made back when we had first started to talk to one another with more frequency, before Blud had shown me her true colors. I would end up completely underestimating just how badly she would need reassurance.

To be frank, I underestimated a lot about Blud in the beginning.

I would end up mentioning that I enjoyed my space in several different conversations with her. That there was a chance that I might be offline for several days so I could take care of things IRL and recharge my social batteries. I'm somewhat of a recluse. And an adult who enjoys things that aren't online.

She said that it was fine.

I became incredibly anxious when I would talk to Blud, especially after her somewhat abrupt change in personality.

I then attempted to put my foot down about boundaries and this is what she had to say:

I decided to walk away for a bit and I came back after I had had some time to think things over. This wasn't healthy for either of us. I wrote a couple of sentences to say goodbye to Blud before I blocked her. I knew that my actions would probably infuriate her. She had told me in the past that she *hated* not being able to have the final word... which she was able to do through email:

“And I'm not letting you pretend you have control over the situation, or the high ground. You distinctly have neither. But since you're determined to stick to your 'principles' on this, I've decided to make it easier for you.”

She thought that she was absolved of all sins just because I had said that I would stand by her at her worst. And at the time that I said that, I had no idea that her worst would be her trying everything possible to protect her boundaries while stomping all over mine. It didn't matter what she said or how often she would apologize when I would confront her. She kept doing it.

I admit that I wasn't perfect in this situation either.

There were times when I was condescending, critical, or downright mean when I talked to Blud because that was the way I had felt when she was talking to me. I soon realized that it didn't matter either way. I could have been using the friendliest tone imaginable and she still would have perceived it as either mocking or dismissive on my end. There were even a few times where I would preface my explanations with an advisory “please know that I am not attacking you and try to read this in an understanding tone,”etc. I would then post an explanation I had spent hours picking at to ensure that there was no way she could misinterpret the intent. Even so, she still read the majority of what I said as criticism and would take it to heart.

I never expected Blud to do something that made her uncomfortable; nor did I expect her to overextend herself when it came to our project. I would go out of my way to make sure everything was fine when we would talk about it. I only expected mutual respect in return.

When we would get into discussions (arguments), she would never attempt to understand my point of view or let me explain myself. It would have made it about me when it should have been about Blud and her needs. She sometimes would agree to come to a compromise about something, but only if I would admit that I was in the wrong.

I know that if Blud was to look at these screenshots, she'd be incredulous that I'm trying to distract from the horrible things that *I* did. And those horrible things that I did? I tried my best to work with her.

It wasn't just her poor teamwork that bothered me. It was her attitude and the lack of respect that she showed me. She would never ask me to clarify something that I said; always assuming that it was a criticism against her. I can only speculate that Blud did not want to hear about how any of this was her fault, like in the email she sent me.

I don't know if I was actually her friend at any point. Friends make efforts to understand one another. Ideally, they’d want their friendships to continue, and they would want everyone to be getting along and having fun. She seemed to actively defy that.

I would argue that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum. There's almost always a reason for such things, but it's honestly a mystery to me as to where this vitriol comes from. I don't know why Blud sees monsters in every word, especially if they come from a  "friend". 

I've seen her viscously mock herself during meltdowns; it seems like she hates herself and expects everyone else to hate her too. I think that she wants it to be the truth, so that it validates the feelings she has about herself. The behavior patterns that I'd been exposed to are consistent with the idea that Blud is seeking confirmation about the personal assumptions she has about herself. It's what makes her so volatile to those around her. Yet, she refuses to break the cycle.

I hope that she can make that choice in the future but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

[reddesires]

Derelict. [Blue Eyes x Human!Reader]

Reference: This Imagine

Implied Blue Eyes x Human!Reader

Rating: Angst (a resolved ending).

Fandom: Planet Of The Apes

A/N: My first angst/Blue Eyes work on my blog as of now, hopefully many more to come in the near future. Can you believe I was listening to Bartender by T-Pain while writing this 💀

"Father, am I an outcast?" The question hung in the air with such intensity that the truth of the question didn't even have to be reflected on, there was always an inkling lingering in the reality of your mind, it was just hard to come to terms with it. How could you possibly be an outsider when this was truly all you really knew?

Maurice was your father, and the colony was your home. You very much knew that you were a human, but were you truly one of them if you were raised by the likes of apes? You wondered on that often, Maurice and Caesar were your looking glass into the world you barely got a taste of. Your reflection was only a reminder that you just may be the last of your species.

"No, you are a part of us." Your father signed to you, his expression firm and his reassurance sturdy, but you felt nothing as such. You felt as if your foundation was unstable and on the cusp of collapse. You felt your body's heavy movements as a sigh escape the entrapment of your lungs as the previous events weighed down on your mind.

                                 ○●○●○●○●○

Taking walks on your own were nothing out of the norm for you sometimes you just felt residing too long within the confines of the colony is overbearing and in a way you understood that it was normal for humans or says Caesar, Maurice tends to explain a bit more in detail human concepts whilst Caesar often keeps it short and simple, you don't push for more information from him since the distant look in his eye triggers something reminiscent of empathy inside of you.

Though your relationship with Caesar is best described as being at arms length, your relationship with his eldest son Blue Eyes was an entirely different story. Blue eyes was your kindred spirit since the moment you were taken in. He and Ash became your close companions, and thus, a trio formed in the midst of uneasiness of a human child amongst the ape colony.

It wasn't long before you became one of them and you being just a child, you were of no harm to any of them and since you were taken under the wing of the most trusted member of the colony, there was hardly any protests aside from Koba and his great distaste of the apparently bloodthirsty (gremlin) human child standing before him.

You jump over a fallen over tree that rested 2 feet away from a reserved area that you, blue eyes and Ash often habituated since it was so close to the river you all would fish from, you hadn't seen blue eyes or Ash so far today so you figured that you'd find here waiting on you to catch up with since you slept in today.

As you approached, you heard multiple voices jeering in tone, feeling an anxious feeling creeping up your throat so you cautiously crouch, making sure to keep out of sight in the tall grass watching within a reasonable distance.

You see Blue Eyes and Ash with their backs to you but with their hunched over position it seems that this encounter with the clique of young apes infront of them was anything but pleasant, the opposing apes had mannerisms that came off as condescending and taunting as they seemed to tower over your friends.

"Blue eyes weak.. for being friends with weak human" the male ape huffed out a laugh, the other apes following the action, they were amused by the way blue eyes turned into himself, by his body language you can tell he was on the defensive and you feared that it could possibly break out in a brawl but your body refused to move from your position to interfere.

The group were following Blue Eyes and Ash's movements almost as if they had the intention of corning them somehow but now you were in view of your friends fronts, their expressions and hand signs on full display for you.

Blue eyes had a stressed and almost kicked puppy dog simper while Ash looked at the apes with a leer. Clearly, he was almost at his limit of being mocked upon.

You gazed at Blue Eyes' hands, and he signed out his response. "I'm not weak. She's just an outcast." His signing was harsh and precise in nature, as if he was trying to express the finality with the subject to get it over with, ash's face contorted with clear disagreement and shock within a second.

You mouth fell open in disbelief and a gasp was ripped from your chest, the sound exposing your location to the nearby apes, Blue Eyes' face fell as he met your watery gaze, the group of apes hooted with exclamations of mirth at your presence, you couldn't keep your composure as you turned to run back down the path back towards the colony.

Morbid thoughts ran rapid in your head along with memories that contained blue eyes in the them, the memories of moments you two shared, how you two snuck off into the woods late at night to get a glimpse of the night sky with no one else but each other, your hands barely grazing as you laid next to each in the clear area or the time when he carried you on his back rushing back to the colony when you fell out of tree and bruised your entire right side, he proceeded to stay by your side your entire recovery. Did that even mean anything to him? Did he even care about you at all?

You heard a hard and fast pounding on the dirt ground before you felt a warm calloused hand grab your wrist, but you were quick to release yourself from his grasp as you whirled around.

Blue Eyes was standing before you, his chest rising and falling in panicked breathing as he reached for you again but you stepped away, tears of hurt slipped from your eyes as you stared at him with bewildered sadness.

"I thought we were friends" Your voice wavered, sniffles broke through the tense atmosphere as Blue Eyes seemed to be struggling with an internal debate, you never would have thought that he would back stab you by demeaning you in such a way, you truly thought your exterior didn't matter to him but you suppose your humanness was a bigger dilemma than you thought.

"We are.." He voiced out, despite knowing him for as long as you have hearing his voice was always a pleasant surprise for you, his voice was quiet with a rasping edge to it almost as if his vocal cords were working overtime due to his lack of speaking but you always thought it had a sweet undertone to it.

He looked desperate to comfort you, and he knew that he was at fault, but it killed him to see you so heartbroken. He's never seen you cry with such intensity.

More tears only seemed to overflow, and a sob racked your body as you looked into his crystalline eyes that also reflected your own sadness. You turned your back on his outstretched palm, ignoring his plea for forgiveness.

"I don't believe you."

                                    ○●○●○●○●○●○

Maurice placed his large hand on top of your head, his palm encasing the entire top of your scalp. He gently petted you in tender affection. You felt more tears build up in the corners of your eyes and hugged your knees closer to your chest in a plea to keep the dam from bursting from your eyes.

"Some do not understand..Some too focused on differences. You belong, you are loved." Your father signed to you, you gazed up into his eyes and you could clearly see the truth of his words as you thought back on all the times that you have been accepted by the ones who matter to you.

"Blue eyes young..trying to find his place just as you..he knows, you are of his kin." As much as it hurts to think about, you know that your father is right. You nod back at him with a strained smile. You look behind him, and you're met with blue eyes standing there with a regretful look to him.

Maurice also looks back before he nods to you and pats your head, slowly turning and leaving as he passes by Blue Eyes he gives a stern stare, Blue Eyes lowers his head shamefully before he ambles over to the ledge your sitting on.

As he sits next to you, notice that he's covered in mud and there's scratches on his face and hands and out of instinctive worry you grab his hand inspecting the wounds on his rough hands. You look to his face, and he stares back at you with a boyish charm to his face. "I fight Jon.. he called us weak.." He grabbed your hands into his, a remorseful look settling taking over his features, you feel your stomach turn in nervousness to how intimate in nature this seems to you, he's so close to you that you two could join in foreheads and you could feel the dull yearning in your body.

"You being human doesn't matter.. to me.. never will." You feel a smile pinching at the corners of your lips as you watched him present his palm to you. You couldn't help a tear fall from your eyes. You slid your fingers over his palm before holding it back into your hand with elation.

Your humanness didn't have to be a dilemma. You belong right where you are with those who love you.

[autistichalsin]

I don't know, I just find it interesting that every single one of the three characters who consent to having the player have a poly relationship with Halsin, have the fandom erase their consent using the exact same argument, which is, and I quote:

(They) don't actually want it. They just are afraid to lose you.

All of these characters will not hesitate to read the player the riot act for violating their boundaries, and there are quite a few scenes where they (especially Astarion) will outright break up with the player for going too far. These are adults who have little trouble standing up for themselves, yet we are supposed to believe that suddenly, with and only with Halsin, they are unable to consent. (Notably, this also is applied only to the poly romance; the characters' ability to consent to a monogamous relationship with the player is, of course, never to be questioned.)

Shadowheart, who practically salivates at the idea of being regaled with your story of "climbing Mt. Halsin", must not have really consented. (Women can't consent to icky, nasty sex things, see. That would imply they have desires of their own.)

Karlach, who is passionate and strong and hot-tempered, who, again, will call the player out on anything that makes them uncomfortable, is suddenly a shrinking flower who just can't tell the player, "no, I want a monogamous relationship." It can't be that her terminal illness has left her unable to examine her own feelings around polyamory; it must be that she is only saying it not to lose the player. Because Karlach is, somehow, the kind of woman who would stick around if she thought the player would sink low enough as to pressure a dying woman into an open relationship? (Again: women are always delicate flowers. They can't consent to anything, clearly.)

And then there's Astarion. Astarion, who has the most triggers to break up with the player out of ANY romanceable character. Astarion, who says he has trouble saying no to sex sometimes, but explicitly says the reason he's willing to give this a try with Halsin is his experience in this area which guarantees Astarion won't get hurt (and even says earlier that he won't have a relationship with Shadowheart too because she has no experience.) Astarion, who is eager to find his own desires again. Astarion, who wants to make choices- even wrong choices or ones he regrets, because isn't that half the fun of getting to make a choice? Getting to fail? Anyway. THAT Astarion is, coincidentally, ALSO, somehow, lying to the player and doesn't want this at ALL and only says this so the player won't leave him. He leaves if the player manipulates him into sex, he leaves if the player lets him get kidnapped, but this one boundary is, somehow, one he just can't seem to express. Because, you see, survivors are MAYBE capable of enjoying sex, but only "normal" sex with the player. Can't have him agreeing to something taboo like polyamory, because then he might not seem like a delicate flower.

Even Halsin, the bear himself, isn't immune to this: people insist that he too doesn't actually enjoy poly, and only says it because he thinks if he asserts himself too much, makes it seem like he wants the player to himself, that they won't be interested and will reject him. So he pre-emptively brings up something he can't properly consent to... despite polyamory being the default in wood elf culture. Despite wood elves specifically viewing romantic jealousy as immature and worthy of mockery. See, if a character has insecurities and is in a poly relationship, that must mean they aren't actually poly, not that they need reassuring. When a character in a monogamous relationship has doubts, that just means they need comforting, but when they're in a polyamorous relationship, well, that just means they can't truly enjoy poly!

I don't know, I just find it really fascinating that the arguments against the characters who are poly or open to poly "really" being poly are all the exact same argument applied uniformally to the characters regardless of whether that actually fits their backstories and behaviors during the scenes where it's discussed. It's like poly makes people uncomfortable, but they aren't willing to reckon with their favorite romanceable character(s) having such drastically different values around relationships, so the only way out is to insist they don't actually like it/are incapable of consenting. It's as fascinating as it is frustrating, really.

[oshiawaseni]

Trails of Love Hori's been paving down in the build up for the series' ending

Part I: The Shape of an Eternal Bond

Romantic Love. Falling in love. When we break it down, what really is it, but a deep emotional connection formed with someone, an overpowering instinct that screams at you to protect that person, and the vulnerability you allow yourself to succumb to when your logical 'self-preserving' mind and it's hurt-proof walls is completely overrun by your heart's most based need to be close with them, the object of your affection.

And who shows these feelings for each other the most in BNHA? Bakudeku, right? Of course it's them.

It's something so obvious and yet this somehow feels overlooked by almost everyone in the fandom: I’ve never actually seen Izuku feeling happy or excited about his relationship with Ochaco, nor elated about getting to spend more time with her. But Izuku and Kacchan? The feelings they both have of longing to be closer to the other and every single action they took for that, chaotically and passionately smashes the "stable pleasantness" of IzuOcha right out of the park.

Izuku views getting to speak 'normally(?)' with Kacchan as a miracle on the exact same level of importance as being mentored by the greatest hero of their generation (and his U.A. room looks like what it looks like). This scene gave the cutest 'Work life: check. Love life: check' vibe.

Is it really all that surprising that BKDK have had plenty of development in this area while IzuOcha has had almost none? In fact, as BkDk became closer, the "expected end game" pair has gone in the opposite direction. And why does this not strike odd to "bkdk canon" doubters or the fans that ship IzuOcha? It really is no coincidence how many moments we’ve accrued about this mutual feeling and attraction that exists only between Izuku and Katsuki.

I want to be closer to you. I can't imagine life without you. vs Why are you so confused when I show you I care about you, too?

It's so simple - but maybe it being so simple is why this is not something we really stop and take a minute to think about specifically. About how this 'obvious' concept of two people desiring to become closer is one often shared between lovers and those who are falling in love.

And how that fits with bkdk because this longing for deeper connection has existed between them almost since the beginning... and we haven't been talking enough about it.

I want you to think about the true feelings and meaning lying behind these moments that have inspired the writings of many fic and meta:

Izuku's desperation and suffering at Kacchan being taken away...

the hurt and loneliness that pools within Katsuki's heart from his fear of being left behind (and alone) by Izuku...

the regret they both felt in not using their own hand to reach out and connect to each other (believing their hand 'wouldn't be enough') and putting those feelings aside to prioritise their boy's rescue and safety...

the distress Katsuki felt in facing his biggest fear of all - losing Izuku for good - forcing him to become a true hero, for his sake...

and the total overwhelming despair Izuku felt in realising he didn't make it in time and he had lost his hero.

This is it, this cover was Hori locking them in. Holding his Kacchan so precious, placing his hand gently over his heart, trying to somehow connect to it. The appearance of an enraged and protective alpha ready to strike down the monster who did this to his mate. This is the vision Hori wanted to draw for bkdk and it cemented the deep romantic love and bond that's been growing between them, rewarding those of us who have picked up on their trails of love and causing meltdowns baked in confusion for the rest.

They've had many scenes like these throughout MHA. Scratch a little at their surface and what lies underneath every single one of them is the pining desire Izuku and Katsuki both share of wanting to be together. The need for the other to be by their side and within reach.

And they don’t share this feeling with anybody else.

It’s always been this way exclusively for them and I think this aspect of their relationship was established by Hori to tell us they will stay feeling this way forever.

If Izuku is right and he takes back everything and the course of their future gets put on track again, then maybe the idea of them holding onto each other and never letting go isn’t all that far from reality.

After they graduate, I can't imagine these two not choosing each other every single time, until the very end of their days: becoming a hero wonder duo, moving in together, living their best domestic life complete with their adorable husbands banter (but repackaged into something so much more loving and soft which befits them), nurturing their relationship... letting themselves fall deeper in love...

It's so easy to imagine this all happening, simply because of their desperate need for closeness to one another in the manga.

They can’t imagine their life without the other.

Their love is a multi-threaded story that's been told to us over, and over, and over again. Through Izuku and Katsuki's every action and by the mouths of others (which I'll be covering in my next post).

I honestly believe that since the beginning, Hori has been carefully leaving trails of their passion for each other, simply to say this: While this series may be coming to a close, Izuku and Katsuki’s bond, that brings them only closer and binds them tightly together, will transcend the very last of their inked pages and never end. ❤️

Part Two -> Intro & Compress

[writing-frenzy]

Isekai with the Kurosaki fam; now with some UraIchi spice

So, my brain has been dumping even more ideas for a fandom I can't write for, so I guess I'll dump all the ideas on the ground and sees what happens; also, partly inspired because of DevinePhoenix's Glass Body, Steal Wings and slightly be Cannon Ichigo in AU series by Williamcipher, especially the third of the series, because ye.

Anyways, so for me, I can never imagine Ichigo would part from his sisters and Goat-face easily, even in a normal au, because it's Ichigo's family, his friends, his lost, his life experiences that makes him who he is as a person; if he died and then transferred, a part of me wonders if he would ever try and get back home somehow. So my brain went-

Brain: hey, how about we have a thing that makes the entire family get into an accident :D

Brain: And, like, maybe a day before or when Ichigo was younger, he ended up saving a godly being's most beloved person, so the god is like; hey, I owe you, I'll reincarnate your family into my world; thing is, the world the god has is maybe connected in a way to an anime/webnovel/comic one of the girls or Ichigo's friends were reading, and Ichigo knows it because he was convinced to watch/read it as bonding.

It's a world of magic and fantasy, where words and names have power and things go bump in the night ever so easily. Ichigo and his Family find themselves in a cozy little hideaway, all confused but happy and relieved to be alive and with each other. Isshin in this au will be an awkward, not the best father but he loves and he tries, and he just wants the best for all of his children. (He is the unsarcastic B+ parent, because with all the shit in this au coming, Ichigo deserves this).

Isshin in their original world is descended from a sword wielding samurai family, and he's had the forms and everything beaten into him since he was young, and the reason why he never taught Ichigo was because he didn't know how to be a gentle teacher and he never wanted to hurt his boy. (it's why he's always given his children freedom and choice of what they want.) And coming into this new world, this new place, everyone can feel a change in their bodies, can feel power in their veins even if they don't know what to do with it. See, Ichigo's mom had a little something funky with her blood but didn't know it and Isshin is actually a human with spiritual powers but with their original world it never came out, and with the God giving them a boost/perks, everyone is learning how to control themselves first and foremost.

It's after a bit of convincing and Isshin making Ichigo promise to tell him if he's going too hard that he starts teaching him the family style, along with others in scrolls with phantom teachers to guide them along. It is rough, it is harsh, but it's Ichigo so he pushes on through and becomes better for it. (The two do agree to see if they can find better teachers for the girls though, as Karin wouldn't suit this style even if she would be good with a sword, and Yuzu seems like she would be better with magic then a blade.)

The family of four spends like three years here, learning all they can, devouring every book and all they can remember of the OG!Story of this place before they all have exhausted all the sources and knowledge of the cottage, can no longer progress in their skills as they have been, and had enough cabin fever to drive any sane person down the river. But they're not stupid, so first things first, Isshin scouting at first, then with his son, before him and Ichigo take turns exploring and scouting the area because they don't like leaving the twins alone. But as they're getting a lay of the land and comparing maps and such to reality, even getting a feel for their new magic gadgets and all, they come across monsters and such here and there Once Isshin is sure that Ichigo can handle himself, its only then they spilt so one can stay with the girls while the other explores for a few days, even if Ichigo is only allowed to do it for two days to his father's week.

After that, packing everything they need into magic bags and hammer space, the family takes one last look to their home of all these years, bows in thanks before they are off. It's not long till they join a trade caravan, Isshin trading his skills as a doctor to do so. They travel around for a bit, before in the end, they settle down in a bustling, safe city that never fell in the story, even if the story's protagonist and gang lives here with all their wacky and troubling hijinxs.

So, now that backstory and such is out of the way, let's get to some of the fun stuff. :3

Ichigo does not realize just how strong he actually is; see, in this world of magic and stuff, swords are... technically considered obsolete; of sure, in the story there is a Magic Swordman who is part of the Protagonist's party, but even there they mostly use the sword as fancy focus then to actually fight with it. But with the way Ichigo was trained, as well as both his and his father's lack of common sense for this world, for them it is as easy to cut down a monster as it is to cut down spells themselves. Neither Ichigo or Isshin understand how insane that is, because once a spell is out, you usually have to dodge it or hope it hits someone else if you can't counterspell it.

The Kurosaki's also avoid the Protag and his crew; lets not get involved in your drama, please and thank you (lol, just had the thought of how protective Isshin and Ichigo would get if the story was with a Harem Protag; both would be protective as heck over the twins because with either reverse or regular harem, girls usually get the shit end of the stick). Ichigo is just fine how he is, even if he keeps getting into fights because of random assholes, his charm flowing out and getting his own loyal friends without his knowing. Karin is way too interested in magical sports to care not to mention her age while Yuzu is getting fascinated by potions, alchemy, and cooking to care.

One day, after Ichigo has been feeding some tidbits to some strays, he finds what seems to be a tea and candy shop, with books to read. it doesn't have much business, being out of the way like it is, but there is the occasional regular coming out. Ichigo shrugs, he has time and so he enters this Urahara Shoten.

Somehow, someway, he ends up making friends with Geta-boshi, who as frustrating as he is, recommends good books and a listening ear. Things lead to one things, stuff happens, and Ichigo finds out this guy also has sword.

Sparring partner acquired, though it takes some convincing, a bit of bribing, but Ichigo is able to get the other to agree; he gets his ass beat easily, but Urahara is a harsh, but good teacher, and so Ichigo just thrives in the challenge.

As for Urahara, this guy is so fucking terrifying, just like in canon, how he is assassin sharp and quick with his blade even as he can spellcast at the same time, just watching Ichigo cut through his spells to meet his blade.

Kisuke: this is the most fun I've had in ages :D I wonder what else he can do if I don't tell him what's impossible.

These two end up getting involved in some harsh canon event disasters, Ichigo fighting with Kisuke, knowing the other man won't let him down. Kisuke, having someone he can trust lead the way, knowing, having faith the other can survive alongside him...

Just, these two bonding, getting closer, Ichigo introducing his sisters and Goat-Face who is giving that weird stare.

(On Isshin's part, he recognizes what's going on, and for all that he is not going to be a hypocrite, is not going to kick this Urahara guy as hard as he can and hide Ichigo away, he suddenly... completely understands Misaki's family's cold and hard stares as he had gotten, watching how the elder blond stares at his 20 year old son like he is sun, like he can't believe there is any light in his life again after being shadowed so long. He's pretty sure that is the same stare he had given Misaki as well, just as how Ichigo looks softer, warmer, happier the minute that Urahara guy stays by his side, just how his mother would melt around him despite her expression never changing.

So, Isshin won't say anything, especially since he can tell neither has a clue... but he will be doing the protective, embarrassing Father as much as he wants.)

So yeah, this is the idea :3 I also have another idea with a Mob Protagonist!Ichigo, where he comes to be a character never even mentioned in a story, and ends up charming local shop owner Urahara Kisuke, who is secretly the terrible, scary Puppet Master Benihime without knowing it. maybe I'll note it out when I feel like it, though if people want, they can ask questions about it.

[korok-system]

Villains Don't Love

Warnings: Mentions to dissociation/derealization and heavy implications of a panic attack/anxiety/mental illness.

Fandom: MHA/BNHA.

Characters: Tomura Shigaraki.

Content: Written in 1st perspective, GN!Reader, SFW, Reader is apart of the LOV, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Comfort, Confession, Adult Reader, Tomura needs therapy.

Synopsis: Tomura is convinced that he is unworthy of ever experiencing love due to his youth and affiliation with AFO.

A/N: This was a drabble that I wrote a while ago, but I like how it turned out so I hope others enjoy it too. :) This is my first published story so please excuse any imperfections.

I loathe the approach we’ve contrived as a society.

I loathe that we, as a society, are provided a system where it is normalized to openly discriminate towards someone entirely on their quirk or the absence of one- Where children are being raised as a pig to slaughter and it is exclusively at the fault of the idealistic culture of ‘Heroes and Villains’.

The entire structure of this civilization bothers me… Because as I watch Tomura fidget with the deceased hand of his Father, I also watch how that ‘Hero and Villains’ concept brought failure and despair to someone who could have had his innocence conserved and his stability reunited.

 He paused abruptly, all fixation remained with the fragile hand within his possession, his silence just as deafening as it was terrifying.

Shigaraki’s incoherent agitation was left unceasing, every movement calculated and precise so as to avoid inflicting any more damage upon the delicate artifact.

“Would you like some help?” I offered silently, barely at a conversational volume, but enough to fill the void that had been separating us for the last 20 minutes.

The absence of his response could indicate a variety of things, either urging silence or motivating pursuit- And with so much unattended grey area it was difficult to dictate which of the two he desired. So, I rose from his bed with an unsettling feeling of prudence.

His hands, parched and flawed from years of villainous conduct, resumed their tentative ordeal as he examined the most minute details of his Father’s dead hand; concentrating balance with only three fingers- The other two, fore and middle finger, delayed any contact as Tomura raised the hand to his face.

“No, I’m fine.” The tone of his voice was enough to discard the topic to the confines of history, instead recalling another method of conversation to ease the unnerving tension circulating the two of us.

Shigaraki was situated at his desk, chair turned to face his desktop while his meagre body performed a rather gauche structure, hunched in a formation begging to conceal himself from view. I closed the distance with a mere step, and Tomura ceased his movements entirely.

As per usual… Shigaraki was overthinking. His confidence was a narrow road that branched off into even slimer alleyways. As sturdy as that narrow road was, there was always a branch that would fall and force you down one of those alleyways… Meaning, his descent into evergrowing subconscious doubt and anxiety was unavoidable.

“What are you doing?” Surprisingly, he had been the first to establish a conversation.

“Oh- I just…” My voice trailed into an empty silence- Thoughts caught in my mind without a method of expression, overflowing yet shoved underneath a heavy lid to block them within… Inert I stood, my brain crying at the lack of physical response to the situation I knew how to resolve; mouth clutching to the three words craving to be exempted.

 I love you.

“You just…What?” He inquired, patience running thin as he finally turned the chair around to grant him proper access to observation, his red eyes unblinking as they gazed beyond his Father’s fingers with the expectation of a response. 

Behind the hand, however, was a rather disparate version of perspective. One galvanized by a sickening feeling of culpability- He had reacted belatedly, somehow oblivious to what should have been the initial detail of notice. 

Whether clear or not, he hadn’t meant to come across as demeaning or harsh.

To put it simply, to retain someone’s inclining companionship was something of a foreign concept to Tomura; granted… He had shaped relationships with each of the League members, and in doing so had established a familial bond with each of them- But these efforts were left in vain.

Tomura appreciated each of them respectfully… Yet they were unable to provide that pivotal sense in his stomach, the one that churned in angst at the absence of the one thing he desired most in this world.

Deep down… Underneath that searing rage and that psychotic semblance of what remained from Shigaraki’s youth… Was a boy, Tenko Shimura.

And that boy begged for love.

All For One, his Master, would gift Tomura anything he desired in return for obedience and success- Fortune, dominance, power, destruction; it all lay firmly within his grasp whenever he so asked for it.

But despite this, powerful or not, AFO was unable to provide that warmth and tenderness left absent in Tomura’s life… Substituting that tenderness with vile hatred and malice, masking his craving for love with horrendous acts of violence and disregarding every friendly advance with hostility; berating them without a second of consideration. 

Love was a weak sorrow.

And yet all he wanted was to experience that tranquility.

Tomura had fallen into a desolate state of silence, his Father’s hand providing aid with obscuring the growing grimace tugging at his expression, heavily dissociated, eyes strawn to the computer screen though devoid of conscious thought about doing so.

He was in his bedroom, he was aware of that, but as his mind ran marathons it became more difficult to have that hold on reality.

Tomura thought that the warmth he suddenly felt was an incorporation of his imagination, like a sickening reminder of his loneliness and unloveable nature, a torterous choke of-

“Tomura…” A voice was all it took to separate him from his derealization.

That warmth… He was being… Hugged….?

“Tomura,” I recited. 

The mental restraint had left him frail and miserable, almost as though his mind had returned to that unstable mindset of an abused child; fearful and desperate for comfort. His body melted against mine, accepting my hug in a heap of emotion, not returning it physically yet clearly inviting its gesture.

"I'm here Tomura, it's okay."  

And in that instant the world merely ceased to halt… Offering whimsical time for him to truly accept the new affection.

“Y/N…” He fell silent the moment my name fell from his lips, as though in that instant his mind alerted him to panic, searching frantically for how best to continue.

I only smiled, and the air returned to a comfortable tune of silence.

“I love you,” 

And his eyes closed. 

The leader of the League Of Villains succumbed to a restful sleep in my arms. Finally at ease.

“I love you too, Tomura."

[wolfangst]

Minors have no place in adult spaces!

I am writing this post to help Gato in her "fight" against minors in her fandom. If you are an adult and you think that you cannot help in any way, read this post, I hope it will change your mind.

As you know, fandom has spread to platforms where mostly minors sit. For example - TikTok or even Roblox. If you are a person who releases content abt TPOF/BTD/YKMET on these sites, stop doing this, delete the material, simply warning is not enough, because this content may accidentally come across to a very young person with a weak psyche and will be lucky if it does not interest or traumatize him. If you don’t make this content, but see it, block it! You can always report this kind of content on sites that are not intended for this, where there are no age restrictions or warnings, such as on Tumblr. If you are unable to fence minors off from this, fence off the areas where minors might stumble upon it. It doesn’t matter what country you’re from, it doesn’t matter what interests you have, what matters is what harms others. I saw performances at a cosplay show in Ukraine, where cosplayers acted out a scene for a large audience in which Strade not only intimidated Ren with a hammer, but also kissed and touched him. If you think this is normal, then you are very mistaken. Please understand that not everyone is “as mentally strong as you” - even if you are a minor who somehow ended up in such a fandom - don't try to prove that you are mature enough for this. You are right, the Internet is a free place and anyone can have access to it, first of all, parents should take care of this, but this does not negate your guilt in distributing such content, which pushes children to become interested in it more and more, because they often see this on sites that are NOT maked for this. I also found cosplays and information on this ADULT fandom in amino communities that were not closed and where mostly minors were present. And TikTok, for sure.

Ignore what you saw, knowing how Gato feels about it and knowing what harm it can cause to minors - be an accomplice in the distribution of indecent content on "minors" sites

Gato asked you and I ask you - if you see that a minor is interested in this, try to explain to him WITHOUT AGGRESSION and JUDGMENT why this is wrong. The fact that children are involved in these spaces is often NOT THEIR FAULT. Don’t insult anyone!

I don’t know how correct it was to write a post about this, but this is my personal cry from the heart, because for about a year now Ive been writing under various videos on TikTok that Gato asked not to do this, but everyone ignores it. Apparently, those who say that nothing can be done about it simply like what is happening, the fact that they are surrounded by this content even on those sites where it should not be

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Some replies! About our Crewel/Deuce art from yesterday + other TWST-related things (and one about OHSHC).

Anonymous asked:

nothing really special to say, but i wanted to let you know that your art has been helping me to draw more!! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ i have a big issue of hating my art, but seeing your passion for your work motivates me to work through it so i can get good at it instead of giving up, so thank you a lot i love what you do!!!!

Anon, this is so sweet ;w; I am so happy to hear that my work motivates you, it truly means a lot! I hope you’ll keep drawing and will enjoy the process of creating art more and more with every new sketch. Passion is one of the most important things when it comes to any kind of art.

Thank you! This is honestly one of the best things to hear.

icedefloweringtornado asked:

I have your blog set to notifications so all I see a lot of the time is the limited description. Today's 'good boy' had me just all oh is it going to be Idia? One of my hearts boys? Deuce. The goodest not goodest boy.

First of all, ahhh thank you so much for having notifications on, this is so nice of you!

Second of all, yeah, there are a lot of pretty good boys in twst lol some of them are only good when they are being bullied (Idia)… and some of them are the goodest not goodest like Deucey <3

Anonymous asked:

Your latest post?? Deuce/Crewel art has actually made my brain explode. I feel like a fool for not even thinking of them as a ship. You (plural) truly do just have the best takes in this fandom.

Deuce, the bad-boy-trying-to-be-good has always struck me as someone very, very eager to please. Then you have Crewel, the strict professor who puts students' in their place with a little *too* much abuse of power. The unequal power dynamics of professor and student? Delicious.

Lowkey, I imagine Deuce would be so used to obeying "commands" at some point another student would just say a command jokingly and Deuce automatically follows the command without second thought before realizing what the hell he is doing.

Thank you so much, Anon!! Whenever I draw these two, we think about how the hell did it take us this long to consider this ship. They are so horrible (=amazing) together… It feels so obvious, and yet…

Deuce is super eager to please and naive enough to be lured into something very dangerous. It’s so fun that he is genuinely trying, but somehow he still ends up in iffy situations. But it’s one thing when it’s Ace’s antics that put him in trouble, but Divus abusing his power is a whole other can of worms. There is no authority figure to help Deuce out this time. It’s super imbalanced, and Deuce is way too easy to take advantage of. Perfection :”)

Ohh, but well-trained puppy Deuce reacting to a command said by some other student…. A pavlovian response 😭 Let’s hope this is just “sit” or “paw” or something and not something spicier…

Anonymous asked:

AAAA THE CREWDEUCE 😍😍💞💞💞 THANK YOU RYUU FOR THE FOOD!!!!!! We need more Sensei ships up in here TBH

You’re very welcome and thank youuu!! Totally agree!

irregardlessly-tish asked:

I began the Glorious Mascarade event and every new facet of Rook's personality and identity is just... What even is this guy? He was just speaking some French words as he always does and someone else said "oh yeah, you're from this area right?" and he's like "No, I'm from the Savanna :)". So, you're telling me he's a fake? A poser? Some kind of weeb but for twisted France instead of Japan??? All this time he's been just the equivalent of someone being "omg >w< that's so kawaii desu ne~ owo!!". I always knew he was a freak and a weirdo (lovingly), I just didn't consider the extent of it... He's a normal weeb, all the signs were there with his idol obsessions... I was just too blind to see...

Ohh, I hope you’re enjoying it, Tish! It’s one of the best events, in my opinion.

“What even is this guy” IS SUCH A GOOD WAY TO DESCRIBE ROOK LOL The more you learn about him, the more questions you get: the fuck do you mean “I’m from Savanna”??? Your family does what for a living??? You can do what with your body??? It’s always like that with him. Even though he is very honest, he is also so fucking fake in a lot of ways. He really is just a Twisted France weeb …

I really wonder what made him love French so much. But then again, I feel like if we learn the reason behind it, it’ll leave us with 5 more questions about this weirdo lol

Anonymous asked:

i know you said the shadows in the deuce and epel skirt art belong to mobs but hear me out…it the other freshmen…freshmen gangbang

(this is about this drawing)

Very valid thought, Anon, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised with how horny some of the other freshmen students are… I feel like if you leave the freshmen all alone unattended, at some point this is the scenario that they are going to end up in.

Anonymous asked:

Random, but imagine a Scott pilgrim AU, but with Twist:

Oh, you want to date, Idia? Then you'll have to beat his 7 evil exes: Azul, the Tweels, Lilia, Sebek, Ortho, Eliza.

((Not sure if you heard/read Ghost's marriage event, but this is where Eliza appeared. Basically, she had an obsession with Idia, lmao))

Anon! This is a very good idea, and funny thing is, we had a sketch about Idia and his 7 evil exes lol I can’t post it here because it’s ko-fi exclusive (if you have access to our ko-fi, here is the post link; sorry, the access to one specific post can’t be purchased separately), but yeah this is basically this line-up minus Eliza, plus Trey. Ace plays Scott’s role… poor Idia, it’s probably so weird for him to be the manic pixie dream boy with 7 exes, he has no fucking clue how he ended up like this.

(Haven’t watched Ghost marriage yet, but I’m excited about it; we’re saving it for later just because it’s guaranteed to be a great even for us lol)

Anonymous asked:

smth I'm just curious Abt, have you seen/heard of ohshc??

Yes, of course! OHSHC was one of the titles we watched back in middle school even before we met each other, so it’s been a while… and it’s been a while since our last rewatch of it…

But still, it’s an amazing comedy that we quote a lot to this day. Theatre of (Tamaki’s) Mind, Homosexual supporting cast, I’m making a hamster home; all of it is so stupid and lovely lol

We tried to find the latest sketch of Tamaki and Kyoya from several years ago, but holy shit we don’t remember the year we drew it lol so I guess no sketches! Well, a reason to draw it all over now that my art looks better anyway.

[which-hospital]

Take the Strain (03/02/24)

Melty brain week. Staying on top of my reading but at what cost?

This episode review ended up incredibly unbalanced with three paragraphs about the same topic and then I ran out of energy by the time I got to the rest of it. Normally, I'd try and give myself some time to try to balance it out but I really don't feel like for this episode.

I’m just going to unpack all of my Teddy Thoughts at the start.

An even more frustrating episode than I bargained for because there were actually some things I liked. Just, separated entirely from their context. Things I liked: Jan. Jan's so underrated. I am so desperate for them to actually continue from Switzerland that I will take anything at this point and I did really like that it felt like Teddy still wants/appreciates Jan’s approval, even now. Very Character of him. Extremely Character. In my head, Teddy has never and will never get over needing Jan’s approval and that’s just emblematic of the deeper issues going on with him. Those moments were good. I just don’t think Jan being upset at Teddy had to come from her noticing the Jodie stuff, he was already up to objectionable stuff without that. 

Similarly, I thought Teddy and Paige’s conversation in the lift had potential. The big problem I have with how this relationship has ended is that it feels like the writers are somehow convinced that they're breaking up because Teddy and Jodie happened, when Teddy and Paige would absolutely have broken up even if that didn't happen. They've been headed this way since Dog Days, at least. I just think the whole thing would've been better if they'd have leant into the fundamental issues the relationship has, instead of putting all the focus on this stuff with Jodie which is not the most interesting or even biggest problem they have. The Sah/Paige kiss created so many interesting routes they could've taken but they lost track of what they were doing with it very quickly and then kept losing track of every new opportunity they created. In my heart, they are to Casualty what tomshiv is to Succession. In reality, they're a mess.

I wish I could give a real, proper reason why I don’t like Teddy and Jodie together but I just don’t. It’s so bad that I can barely their scenes together. I guess we’re heading towards more of them, potentially even a proper romance plot? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. As I type, I am grimacing at the thought. Whenever I get a romance plot and I don’t like any of the potential outcomes I just start thinking of more unlikely outcomes. Anyway, Paige/Jodie when? When Jodie also figures out that Teddy is probably best left single right now, she and Paige can commiserate together and then get together. It wouldn't make sense but has any of this made sense?

Otherwise, it was a heavy one. Are they just making the most of always being on after the watershed or something?

My incredibly unpopular (at least, unpopular in other areas of the CAS fandom) opinion is that Iain is my least favourite paramedic. Don't dislike him at all, I like him but I just don't understand why the show chooses to only remember plot that has happened to him and often chooses to pretend things that happened to the other paramedics never happened. Maybe I associate him with Faith a bit right now, too.

The music sequence or whatever was so out of nowhere that it was more amusing than dramatic.

I’m glad Rash and Rida have worked it out for now.

The way Casualty has been dealing with disabilities lately has been uncharacteristically uncomfortable. I don’t really have the brain space to expand on that right now but certain choices sure have been made.

Nothing in next week’s spoilers that I feel like I need to comment on, except for Max finally agreeing to take Jodie’s kidney. I would really, really hope it’s mainly an episode of Jodie and Max stuff.

[comicavalcade]

Submariner Summer 38

Ok, friends, lets do some #SubmarinerSummer read through. Its part 38, and we're doing Sub-Mariner #2: Cry Triton! Only the second issue and already a crossover fight, as dramatically illustrated on another great cover.

Our title splash has Namor venting his rage on the machines of the ancient city. Destiny used them to power himself up, so they've got to go. Thomas/Buscema continuing as the creative team this issue, along with Giacoia on inks, but Simek is back on letters.

Once he's done with that, he turns to his next move. And for the first time since he got a solo feature, that move is the Fantastic Four, who he figures might be able to help him with his Destiny problem. But on the way there, he has an unexpected encounter with Plant Man

But he's not alone, the Inhumans are also in the area and concerned about Plant Man's sub. So they send the aquatic Inhuman Triton to go check it out. Seeing Namor coming from one side and Triton from the other gives Plant Man an idea...the classic Let's You And Him Fight

SO, he sets Namor up, making it look like he's his minion (as if). Triton only knows of Namor as an FF enemy, and since he's an FF ally, he buys the trick hook line and sinker, attacking Namor. I feel like Triton here is like way too much of online comic fandom

Seeing that Triton is pretty rad in the water, Namor changes the venue to the sky. As they brawl, they crash into Plant Man's sub, and Triton lets it slip that he's an FF friend. So Namor asks him to take him to them, but Triton of course refuses, misunderstanding the intention

So the brawl resumes, and as it does Namor rips off the tubes Triton needs to breath in air since he can normally only breath water. Triton starts to suffocate pretty quickly, but Namor has no intention of letting that happen and throws him into the water.

Checking in with Lady Dorma, the Atlanteans still assume Namor is dead and prepare to leave their destroyed city. Dorma wonders if that's true though, and is thinking of running off to look. Lord Vashti, though, puts the kibosh on that as she's needed to play her role as noblewoman

Meanwhile, Triton recovers quickly from nearly suffocating, and reengages. However, Plant Man finally makes his move and animates some sea-weed to trap Triton and Namor; this causes Namor to finally realize they've been tricked by someone, but too late to avoid becoming prisoner

By this point the other Inhumans assume something has gone wrong with Triton, so with Black Bolt in the lead they rush out to the sub; this freaks out Plant Man, who bugs out.

Where? Uh, apparently London, innit bruv. And there we reach our cliffhanger!

A nice Marvel Misunderstanding story, with two heroic characters manipulated by the evil villain into a bout. And Triton is a good choice, certainly an underutilized one. And the action is beautifully depicted. There's no doubting either Thomas or Buscema's mastery of the form

Also, do you SEE how slay Lady Dorma in mourning is? Absolute Icon. This look or variants of it will become a go-to for her, and its not hard to see why. A huge W in Buscema's column.

But NEXT, we have to care about what happens to London, somehow, as the Plant Man plants it on those shores as we cover Sub-Mariner #3: On A Clear Day You Can See...The Leviathan!

[piracytheorist]

Macabre Theme and Variations (10/15)

Fandom: Spy x Family Word count: 6.2k for this chapter | 44k so far | 65k in total Rating: T Warnings: Non-permanent character deaths, graphic violence

Summary: Twilight wakes up. He works on his mission. He dies. He comes back and does it all over again. Each time a little different. (Inspired by the film Happy Death Day)

Warning for this chapter: … F bomb.

AO3 Read from the beginning: Tumblr | AO3

~

Chapter 10: Bocca Chiusa

bocca chiusa = with closed mouth, usually referring to humming

~

Borf!

Twilight opens his eyes and grits his teeth.

That was a huge risk he just took. It was useful to find out that Yuri doesn’t have enough evidence to suspect Loid Forger is Twilight or to tell his chief about it, but he'd lie to himself if he said it wasn't one part pride and one part selfishness that drove him to fishing that information out of him.

He gets up to help Yor not bump on the wall, looking at her with a guilty expression as she smiles at him.

Yor doesn't know about her brother working for the secret police, and Yuri... he has accepted her physical excellence as something normal, but there's no way she isn't hiding something from him.

And Twilight, too. But he has no right to those secrets of hers. As long as they're not something that compromise his position or morals, then he has no reason to doubt her.

But he was selfish. He almost wanted to rub it in Yuri's face that he's lying to his own sister, as if that would somehow make Loid’s lies less atrocious. And now the guilt weighs heavy on his stomach.

How did he reach the point of feeling guilty for using a member of the secret police, of all things?

He takes Bond for a run again, needing the distance from Anya and however big the range of her ability is.

This day he has to confront her about it. If his control keeps slipping like that, one single thought of his suspicions in front of her can bring disaster.

The thing is... how does he confront her about it as a father to his daughter, and not as a spy to a danger he needs to eliminate?

His shoulders tense at the thought of even WISE finding out about her.

How the hell is he going to balance things out? When did he get himself into such a complicated situation... and where is the Twilight that would have already left by now?

He doesn’t miss him, that’s for sure.

Ice cream is added to the Forgers’ breakfast again. This day will be wasted again, and Anya will have the shock of her life, so he might as well indulge them.

This morning he occupies his mind by going through his failed plans, a recap of what he knows about Pollux, as well as how he can further test him tonight.

He could lead him up the stairs and onto the rooftop of the building. He could let the Handler know about the listening devices at the safe houses, so she can be more careful when arranging for the snipers infiltrating the area. Maybe have them hide in the trees that surround the theater hall?

Not Agent Crescent, though.

Twilight's fist clenches around the knife handle as he spreads cream cheese on his bread, nearly driving the blade through the slice. The day that Crescent's misfire took Yor's life has been reset, but it might not be long before an accident like that happens again, with the consequences being inevitable.

He sighs, looking at his almost ruined slice. He makes a mental note to inform the Handler about that agent's less-than-stellar performance and need for evaluation and possibly re-training, once he's out of the loop.

He kisses Yor’s hand again before they leave. Anya gets on the bus, he thinks how it’s going to take five times to start, it leaves, Yor wishes him a good day, and he starts walking towards the hospital, but then takes a turn not too long after.

On this library visit, he picks up books about child psychology. Unfortunately, the only matters covered about how to break upsetting news to children are about the death of a family member or the parents divorcing.

Nothing on how someone can tell their child they know about their supernatural abilities.

He’s only confident in the idea that his words won’t be doubted, since Anya will immediately know he’s telling the truth.

The truth whose full gravity he still hasn’t grasped.

He looks up towards the bookshelves, spotting one of the childrearing books he read the first day of having Anya.

Back then, he thought there would be no point in him ensuring a stable future for her, because he’d immediately dismissed the idea that there would be any future between them in the first place.

Yet here he is now, ready to work and change so that future can be real.

He wants to be a father.

He closes his eyes, resting his forehead on his palms. The start he made with Anya was far from ideal. It’s been a bumpy path all along, but if Anya was willing to endure it, the least he can do is make himself worthy of her efforts for him.

He finishes the book and leaves for his meeting with the Handler, once again in the cafeteria outside.

A cold dread spreads in his chest when he thinks that, had he told the Handler about the time loop while in the WISE safe house, Pollux would have heard it… and would have most likely changed his plan.

It’s pointless to wonder whether such a change would cause the loop to break, and thus solidify Twilight’s death, but apparently the times he’s died and come back haven’t desensitized him to the idea of his actual death.

If anything, considering how many times his family tried to help and save him, he’s reached the point of being thankful he’s alive.

He didn’t exactly have a death wish prior to the loops, but he didn’t really see much point in his life either other than providing his services to WISE on their mission towards peace.

It’s why he didn’t care about his own future. There was nothing to envision for himself other than work, work, work.

Not that his work will lessen at all if his role as father and husband of the Forger family becomes real, but he’s found it’s such a relief when he can be honest.

His neck stiffens when he spots the Handler, in the same disguise as a few repetitions ago, walking towards him.

Another thing to handle once he’s out of the loop; telling her he wants to prolong his stay as Loid Forger. Probably – and hopefully – indefinitely.

They arrange the plan, he warns her about the bugs, specifying that they have to stay where they are for tonight, as Pollux might change plans if he finds out the devices were messed with. He almost rushes out when he realizes how late it’s gotten.

He takes the same path down that park. Yor's absence is almost palpable, bringing him to the point of regretting coming here alone. At the exact same time, he stops in front of the musician, waiting on him to start playing that valse again.

His arms feel empty as the familiar tune fills his ears. He wants her there, he wants to hold her.

This time no audience is gathered. Some passers-by leave tips, but Loid is the only one who stands and listens.

Focusing more on the lyrics makes him feel even more lonely. Yor’s eyes aren’t on him, her lips aren’t caressing his…

Your eyes are my love.

He hadn’t even made that thought himself, not consciously at least. It was Pollux, of all people, who pointed it out for him.

He loves Yor.

The musician is quiet, and Loid realizes he’s looking at him. Loid almost crumbles under the stare.

“Do you know this song, son?” the musician asks, resting his hands on top of his bandoneón. His accent sounds Eastern Ostanian, and it makes the gears in Twilight’s head turn. Of course, he’d be a local. Not a lot of people want to emigrate to this country, fewer try, and even fewer are accepted.

“Not really, no.” It is, after all, only the second time he’s listened to it. “How is it called?”

“Yo no sé qué me han hecho tus ojos. It means ‘I don’t know what your eyes have done to me’.”

Loid didn’t need the translation, but he has the feeling the musician was checking for a reaction from him.

It’s almost uncomfortable to not feel uncomfortable while being scrutinized like that.

Maybe it’s because the emotion he must be showing right now is not an emotion he wishes to hide anymore; more like one he wishes could be recognized… and reciprocated.

“It’s beautiful…” Loid says softly.

Ostania’s government is already strict about what music is allowed to be performed, and considering the history and origins of this music genre, it’s doubtful he’ll be able to find a vinyl record of that song.

The musician gives him a smile that’s too knowing for Twilight’s standards. “There’s a pirate radio station that plays such songs.” He puts his hands back on the sides of his instrument. “I may be able to give them a request to play that one at some point.” He winks at him and without any other word, he starts another song.

Loid gives him a generous tip and takes the path back home.

The song won’t mean anything to him in a world where Yor doesn’t know about it.

He starts preparing the hamburger steak Anya loves, and though Bond watches him patiently, his big eyes betray his wish for just a bite of the food.

Loid looks back at him, finally giving up and throwing a piece of minced meat at him.

It’s not a good idea to give him raw meat, but again, chances are this day is another test that will be reset.

He hates that he’ll have to tell Anya more than once that he knows about her abilities, but at least next time he’ll know how to break it to her more smoothly.

He puts the ready-to-cook steaks in the fridge and heads out before Yor has even arrived. It’s quite the walk to Eden, after all.

If she can really read his mind, he cannot walk up to her thinking about that. She might try to evade the question and pretend she isn't listening in. Or she might panic.

Twilight’s voice feels like bile rising in his throat as it suggests that his best bet is to catch her off-guard and force her to admit her secret.

Some father you want to be.

Well, if Anya has been listening in from the beginning, she knows he's done worse things than that.

All the more reason to give her choice and space, then.

He guesses there’s no need to occupy his mind from too early on, and there’s only so many digits of pi he can really recall from memory. He could be thinking of random numbers, of course, but he’s so used to following a logical pattern or a specific sequence that random choices are actually harder for him.

A few months ago, the sight of children leaving school and filling the place with noises would have made him uneasy. Now he only feels grateful for the privilege of seeing they’re safe and sound.

He spots Anya at the top of the staircase and he takes a deep breath.

Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium...

She's almost running down the steps, Becky Blackbell right next to her.

Boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen...

Both girls stop when they spot him. Anya's eyes widen, but she's the first to step forward to him.

Fluorine, neon, magn— no, sodium, magnesium...

She approaches him with a quizzical look. “Papa? What's wrong?”

He forces a smile on his face. Aluminium, silicon. “Nothing. I just finished my shift earlier today and I thought I could come get you back home.”

Phosphorus, sulfur, chlorine.

“Okay,” Anya says, eyebrows still scrunched in confusion. From the corner of his eye he spots Becky Blackbell's wide smile.

He nods a greeting at her then reaches his hand out for Anya.

Argon.

“Mr. Forger,” the beaming girl says. “We can take you back home with my car!”

Potassium. “Thank you for the offer, but there’s no need. Good luck on the performance tonight.”

He watches as the two girls exchange goodbyes, then he nearly drags Anya off.

Keep it together! Calcium, scandium…

Anya is eerily silent and still at first, but after a minute or so she starts humming a melody and swinging their joined hands back and forth.

… rhodium, palladium, silver.

With a quick look around, he decides this is a good spot as any.

Cadmium, indium, tin.

Without a word, he simply leans down and picks her up in his arms, whispering, “Anya, something has been happening to me.”

“What? Are you okay, Papa?”

“I am. But I think you know. There’s been some time, and I’ve had the chance to notice things, and I’ve noticed how differently you have been acting. Are you going to tell me what's wrong?”

She stills again, but he keeps on walking. He spots the guilty look on her face.

Antimony, tellurium, iodine.

She buries her face in his shoulder and whispers, “I can read your mind.”

I knew it! I KNEW IT!

Her hand grabs a fistful of his jacket, and he feels her shiver against him.

His free hand goes to pat her softly on the back.

You know everything... “Don't worry. You're not in trouble.”

“I'm not?” Her voice is shaking.

Damn it, she’s scared. “It's okay, Anya. I didn't want to worry you.” But if you read my mind this morning, you probably know what I've been going through.

“It was hard to understand...”

“The day keeps repeating, but only I can notice it. Everyone else forgets. The same things happen at the same time each day, unless I do something to change them.”

“And you... you d—d—”

“Yes. But I've come back every time.”

“Are you okay, Papa?” she leans her head back, and he feels a lump in his throat at the sight of her teary eyes.

He takes a moment to answer. “It's been hard. But I'm glad you know. And I'm glad you told me about you.” He smiles a little. “If I don't break the loop today, I can tell you about it tomorrow and clue you in again.”

Her lower lip is trembling slightly, but there's a new glow in her eyes. “I... I can help?”

He shrugs a little. “You can help just by knowing about the time loop. I don't want to involve you in anything else. It can be dangerous.”

Where was I again? Iodine, xenon...

“Papa,” she says, still whispering, but more forcefully this time. “I can help you find out the bad boss' plans!”

“The bad boss?” He blinks in surprise. Desmond?!

She nods, eyebrows raising.

You’ve known about my plan. Is that why you kept trying to be friends with Damian?

She pouts. “Second Son is always mean to me. But you said that if we became friends, you could meet his papa.”

And you’ve been tolerating him because you knew he was an important part of the mission.

She smiles a little.

But how will you find out Desmond’s plans?

“I will read his mind.”

Can you read through all the thoughts a person has had? Or just what they’re thinking in that moment?

“The second.”

“The latter,” he corrects her. “That won't work.” Desmond is not thinking about his war plans all the time.

“But if you go to him and tell him you know about the plans, he will think about them.”

Wait, what?

“If you undo the clock and come back, then the bad boss won't remember what you said to him. You can go to him again and tell him about it, and he'll think about his plans, and I will hear them!”

But, the killer finds me almost immediately after I meet with Desmond. “And how will you tell me his plans?”

She thinks for a moment, then tells him with a wide smile, “I will just shout them at you!”

Seriously? “Right in front of him?”

“Why not? He won't remember it!”

Loid freezes in his tracks.

“Every day you will tell him what I told you before, and he'll think of something new, and I will tell it to you. You will remember, but he won't!”

His mind goes through the plan. It will require multiple days, and multiple deaths on his side, and probably even Anya—no. She’ll have to be somewhere far, maybe use a microphone to tell him what she hears? He will need a failsafe, he'll have to inform WISE first thing every morning of every plan he has acquired knowledge of, in case the loop suddenly ends and he really does end up dead... but it's incredibly, impossibly foolproof. Desmond will have no idea his brain was just picked apart for his war plans, the information will be perfectly accurate – as long as Anya is able to read them and communicate them correctly – and Loid won't have to resort to any behaviour that Desmond might consider suspicious, which would result in him leaving and Operation Strix ending before its time.

His mind clears, and a single thought sticks out.

She's a fucking genius.

Anya widens her eyes at him.

Oops.

“Uh...” He stumbles for words. “That's...” He swallows nervously. “That's a pretty good idea.” He continues walking.

Anya giggles.

But it's going to be dangerous if you're close when the bombs go off. I don't want to risk your life again. Could you read his mind if you're on a different floor?

“I... I think,” she says.

I can give you a small microphone, and I'll wear an earpiece. You'll hear his thoughts and tell me his plans through the microphone.

“Ooooh!” She's practically glowing from excitement.

It's still... Anya. I don't want you to read through such a violent mind as his.

Not that she's seen anything that more pleasant, if she's gone through Twilight's mind.

“I won't remember it,” she says, suddenly pouting. “I won't remember his thoughts, and I won't remember that I helped you.”

He gives her a reassuring nudge on the shoulder. “I'll tell you all about it when it's all done, alright?”

She looks at him, a small, sly smile creeping up her lips. “Will you let me help you again?”

Absolutely not.

“But—But!”

No buts. Our only safety in this plan is that Desmond won't remember. I'm not going to be so lucky in my next mission.

“Papa!” She's almost shouting now.

Keep it down. You must have known I didn’t want you involved in this mission. “But you tricked me, didn’t you? You're not even six, are you? You lied about your age, because you read my mind and knew I was looking for a six-year-old to enroll in Eden. And you tricked me with the crossword puzzle.”

She lowers her gaze, her guilt apparently winning over her spite.

“Why did you do that? Why did you trick me into adopting you?”

“Because I thought you’re cool.”

“Cool?” A nervous chuckle escapes him. “Cool. You thought I was cool. Alright.”

What I can't wrap my mind around is why the HELL you stayed with me. “The day after I adopted you, you broke into my room, right? Because you read my mind and knew the combination lock.”

Her lips form a thin line.

“You toyed with my equipment, and the bad guys found you. I came to rescue you and I gave you the chance to run away.”

It feels weird to say that out loud. There was a silent agreement between them that neither of them would mention that incident again. Yet here he is now, summing it all up for her.

“But you stayed. Why?”

“Because you want peace. I wanted to help.”

No.

Anya nods passionately, her hands now in fists. “Yes! I want peace, just like you!” Thankfully, she’s whispering again.

He sighs, feeling shame and guilt crush down on his shoulders.

You were not supposed to have to deal with this. My entire mission, my reason to be a spy, is so that—

“Children won’t have to cry.”

Stop it.

“No! I want to help!”

“No, Anya,” he says out loud, looking at her. “You have no idea what it’s like. For a child like you—“

“I already helped you. Like with the message in blood.”

Blood?

“The one about the bomb,” she says even more quietly.

Wait… “You mean the ‘No’ written in ketchup?”

“Oh.” Her eyes widen for a moment. “You knew it was ketchup...”

That was you?! He closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them again. How did you even know there would be a bomb, and where? Don’t tell me you followed the terrorist!

“If I hadn’t, you would have died!”

He shakes his head. You don’t know that.

“I do.”

He looks at her. How are you so sure? Do you also see the future?

She looks sideways. “I… I don’t. Bond does.”

He stops in his tracks again.

One.

Two.

He blinks. “He does what now?”

She nods, pursing her lips. “He can see the future. I can read his mind and see it too.”

He’s still like a statue, looking at her in shock. Is this why he knew, two days ago, when the grenade—

He shakes his head and keeps moving. “Is that why you wanted him?”

“Uh… He had a vision of us. And then he saved me.”

He can’t fight a small smile. “I admit that he’s a very good dog.”

“He’s the best!”

They’re not too far from home, and by now Yor will have come back. He doesn’t have enough time for everything.

Wait, she even knew about Yor?

She responds, incorrectly assuming the question was directed at her. “You know that she’s the Throne Princess?”

His blood freezes; his body shakes as if it was struck by electricity.

His gaze turns to her. The… the what?!

Anya’s eyes widen in horror. “Uh… uh… That was a joke!” She gives him a failure of a smile.

She’s the Thorn Princess?! The assassin?!

Anya is silent.

You chose. Ostania’s most elusive assassin. FOR YOUR MOTHER?!

He realizes he’s almost panting. Trying to control his breath, he tightens his grip on Anya – more for his own stability than anything else – and he keeps walking.

What the hell has this operation turned into?

“Papa…”

“Shh,” he says abruptly, but then gives a look at her.

There are tears in her eyes again.

He swallows hard. Oh no, no, don’t cry. I’m sorry. It’s alright. I’m just shocked, that’s all.

“You’re not mad?”

He looks away. Does Yor know anything about me? Or suspect me?

Anya shakes her head.

He bites his lip. Yor had told him to find her, and he’d been determined to tell her about himself…

Well, things are even more complicated now. But he had an unfair advantage over learning about her secret, so she deserves to know about him.

“Mama will forgive you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

How? Has Bond had a vision about it?

“No.”

Then you cannot be sure. I’ve told her way more lies than she’s told me. She doesn’t even know who I really am—

He stops again. His chest feels heavy suddenly, and he turns to look at her.

“But you do,” he says.

She nods.

You’ve been reading my mind from the moment you met me. You know everything about me. My—my past…

She nods again.

You know what I’ve done? All the bad things I’ve done? All the lies and the killings?

The word itself doesn’t matter. She’s probably already seen too much. Especially if she’s also read Yor’s mind…

How could you choose to stay with me, knowing all that? Weren’t you scared?

Hell, the things I thought about her. Calling her stupid, thinking I could trade her for another kid like she’s some kind of merchandise, thinking I’d abandon her once the mission was over…

It takes her a moment to get the words out. “Because you’re the good guy.”

Her quiet reply catches him off-guard. He stares at her. “Good?” How can you think I’m a good person?

Her tears start falling. “You—you were alone, when you were little.”

No, Twilight. Don’t go back there. That’s over.

She sniffles. “And you didn’t want this to happen again. Because you wanted to help, I wanted to help.”

“I didn’t want that for you…” His voice is small.

“I know. That’s why I kept it a secret.”

His feet carry him backwards. Thankfully, there’s a wall behind him that he leans on, as he finds his knees slowly grow too weak to support his weight. He carefully puts Anya down, but she immediately hugs his leg.

“A perfect 100 points. My Papa and Mama are both so much fun, and I love them very much. I want to be with them forever.”

She’d meant that. All this time he’s been ignoring how much those words could mean, because he thought Anya only knew and loved Loid Forger.

But she’s known, all along. She’s known who he is, what he’s done, what he’s fighting for and why.

And she loves him.

His knees finally give out and he finds himself sliding down to the ground, tears streaming down his face.

Anya wraps her arms around his neck.

You love me. You know me, and you love me…

She tightens her hug. “I love you, Papa.”

You don’t deserve that love, Twilight. It was never even meant to mean anything to you.

To Twilight, maybe. But to Loid Forger, that love should mean the world and even more.

He was supposed to keep those two identities separate; what Loid Forger would want and need was not meant to be of any actual importance to Twilight.

He kept acting in the way Loid Forger would act to maintain a happy family life, all to trick everyone into never suspecting him of being a spy.

The one person he never managed to trick was, apparently, Anya; who has seen through all the complex thoughts and justifications he’s made up to convince himself he is not becoming attached, that all of his instinctive reactions have somehow been a conscious effort to keep the mission safe.

She’s seen all that and past what even he could see. She’s seen a kindness he can barely recognize in himself. And she loves him for – or despite – all that.

And it’s only now he realizes how much he’s been tricking himself as well all this time.

I love you too, Anya.

He finally hugs her back. All of his studying and understanding of human psychology and behaviour are not enough to describe what this feeling is.

He feels a weight lift off his shoulders when he realizes that, at the end of the day… he doesn’t care about explaining his own behaviour.

Right now, he only wants to feel.

Sniffling, he picks her up again and stands back up. He resumes the path back home.

“Papa, will you stay?” Anya asks in a such a small voice he can’t stop himself from rubbing soothing circles on her back.

If we abstract all the information we need from Desmond, Operation Strix won’t be necessary any longer. But if we accomplish that without Desmond suspecting me… then there won’t be a need to abort it altogether.

She pulls back a little, showing him her confused face.

Too many foreign words, wasn’t it? “What I meant is that I can stay as Loid Forger. There’s a lot of things I can achieve from my current position.”

“So you’ll stay?” The hope in her smile makes his chest feel full. “You’ll stay, if I help you?”

You'll be an incredible help, Anya. You have already been incredible.

She chuckles and hugs him again, tighter than before.

“And you’re not mad at Mama?”

That makes things a little more complicated. I will need to make things clear with her, but ultimately it will depend on her choice. She might not want to stay with a man who lied to her about so many things, even if we just stay roommates as we are now.

Her silence falls heavy.

“I know she loves you,” he says.

“And you love her too.”

Well, do I? Can I truly call that love, when I’ve been using her from the moment I met her?

But then… didn’t I do the same with Anya? And didn’t I just decide I cannot assign a certain meaning to the word “love”?

He sighs. “I can’t promise anything, Anya. But I’ll do my best to give you a happy place to live in, after this loop is over.”

“I wanna know all about it when you make it out.”

“I’ll tell you everything. I promise. You deserve to know.”

By now they’ve reached home. He can see light coming from Yor’s room.

I’ll need to send her for an errand. I can’t make a plan with Anya while she’s still at home.

He spots Anya’s grin.

“Anya, this isn’t like Spy Wars. Lying to people is not a good thing.”

“But Mama won’t remember it,” Anya whispers.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s still wrong.”

Sighing, he walks inside.

He sees Yor welcome them home with a smile and for a moment he forgets what he was going to tell her.

Thorn Princess. An assassin so deadly, so meticulous and so elusive that some people consider her an urban legend.

My wife.

You ought to hand in your resignation, Twilight. You’ve been living with an actual assassin without getting the slightest of hints about it, and you want to call yourself an intelligence agent?

“Yor, I need a favor,” he says, putting Anya down. “I wanted to make a sauce for the steaks but I forgot to pick up a few ingredients, would you mind—“

“Of course!” Her smile is still twisting his stomach.

Is it real? Is any of it real?

He’s been covering for an assassin all this time. That’s why Yor had asked him to marry her… and while he doesn’t blame her for that, he did the same after all, he can’t help the doubts about her feelings for him.

He looks at Anya. Her narrowed eyes take him aback.

He shakes his head at her. It’s a huge temptation to learn about Yor’s feelings directly through her thoughts, but it would be horrendous of him to use Anya’s power like that.

It’s already horrible, what he’s planning to do.

Once Yor leaves, Loid enters his room. For the first time he leaves the door open behind him, allowing Anya to step inside.

It’s still shocking to think that all along she’s known what he’s been hiding in this room.

First he contacts the Handler to abort their plan with the snipers. There won’t be any testing of Pollux today. He doesn’t wait for the reply that will most definitely come with questions asking why.

He pulls out the bag with the listening devices. He looks at it, then at Anya, and a feeling of uneasiness makes his throat tight.

He's in a huge dilemma; as a spy, he is supposed to report Anya to WISE immediately and abort Operation Strix. As a man who wants to stop war, he's willing to use Anya's abilities to read Desmond's mind. And as a man who loves his daughter, he wants to do neither of those things.

“Anya will be alright, Papa.” She takes a few steps towards him. “The bad boss won’t know it’s me. And he won’t remember it.”

“I took this path in my life so that children wouldn’t have to be taken advantage of like that. This is the exact opposite.”

“But I want to help.”

He smiles mirthlessly. That very innocence of hers is what he’s supposed to protect.

“I also don’t want war,” she adds. “I want to help make peace.”

He kneels down next to her. “How did you get those powers? Do you control them, or do you always read other people’s minds?”

“I don’t know how I got them. I always remember having them.” Her eyes are wide and her jaw is pulled back; he can tell there’s something more she’s not sharing. “Sometimes I can control them. I can control whose mind I’m reading, but if someone thinks too much, I will hear it.”

He sighs. “If we’re to do this, I need to have a sense of privacy. I’ll need to know you’re willing to stop reading my thoughts when I want them to be left alone. Same with Yor… if she stays with us.”

Or if she doesn’t file for a divorce and demands full custody.

Anya nods. “I can try.”

“Good. Now let’s take a look at the plan.”

This day hasn’t been going as he expected it. Anya’s shock over her secret being discovered was immediately replaced by her excitement to be a part of his mission, even though she knows this version of her won’t exist tomorrow. He was almost prepared to try and end the loop today, but with such a plan he can’t foresee an end for at least a week, from his point of view.

Least of all, he hadn’t expected how the truth about Yor would affect him.  He’d supposed she was hiding something from him, but just the sheer force of this revelation has him feeling like he was punched in the gut.

She’s been using this marriage to her advantage as much as he has, yet that doesn’t provide any relief for his guilt. Yor Briar is just… Yor. Loid Forger is a figment of his own creation, and it’s all Yor has ever been allowed to see. When the truth comes out and she realizes that she developed feelings for a man that doesn’t really exist…

Yor seems to pick up on his tense feelings and keeps fairly quiet while they eat, though she keeps her smile on.

That same smile that causes his insides to twist uncomfortably. This time there’s definitely guilt added there.

Loid allows Anya to wear her prince costume before they leave. Things go so smoothly that it’s only at the play’s end that he remembers Pollux will kill him today again.

“Would you mind picking Anya up?” he tells Yor. “I need to catch up with some attendees.”

Any other day he’d wonder about sounding suspicious. Today he’ll boldly cross all lines of suspicion.

Making sure no-one is looking at him, he adjusts his earpiece and looks at his watch.

Five past eight exact.

“Agent Starlight reporting for dooty,” Anya’s gasping voice comes in his ear.

“Where are you taking me?! Stop dragging me!” Damian Desmond’s voice is also heard a little further back.

Twilight smiles. In order to avoid as many consequences as possible, he asked Anya to keep Damian away from the blast, on the floor right above the foyer. Just in case the day ends up not resetting.

He exits into the foyer and spots Donovan. He would normally be able to control his heartbeat, but not when he’s about to do something as bold and risky as this.

“Agent Starlight in posishun. I can hear you.”

Can you hear Desmond?

Short silence.

“… silly play. I can’t believe Demertee-us was right.”

Yes! Keep going, Anya!

He takes a deep breath, clenching his hands into fists.

Here it goes. Operation Strix, pass or fail.

“Mr. Desmond. What a pleasant surprise,” Loid tells him. He doesn’t bother offering his hand.

“Forger. Quite com-foor-table, I see. What next, you invite yourself over to my house?”

“Ah, you know how it is,” is what Desmond says.

“Sure, sure.” His heart feels as if it’s trying to beat its way out of his chest. All his spy instincts are screaming at him to walk away, or at least treat the matter with delicacy. Instead, he forces his words out. “Now tell me, Mr. Desmond, what exactly are your plans for the war?”

“War? What is he saying?”

“Oh, I’ve got my sources. Like, for example…”

“Sources? Peylon, he mean?”

Means! “Peylon, yes. Very talkative fellow, I must admit.”

“He knows about the sum-nit in Bonn… brug. I was right!”

“Regarding the summit in Bonnburg. The one Foreign Minister Windsor will attend, correct?”

“He needs to— No, Papa!”

Focus, Anya. Focus on his thoughts.

Desmond is stiff when he gestures at his bodyguards. Twilight allows himself a quick side glance. Pollux is approaching.

“So what are you going to do? Have infiltrators assassinate him and blame it on the Westalian government?”

“What is he on about? What did Peylon tell him?”

Two bodyguards grab each of Twilight’s arms. “Oh, you won’t. What is it, then?”

“It’s Boo-wantz we’re going for…”

“Oh, Minister Brantz then. Makes sense.”

Desmond’s characteristically frozen face suddenly betrays utter shock. An expression almost imperceptible, except for the trained eye.

“What is this, is he reading my mind?”

“Quite positively I am, sir.” The two men grabbing him start trying to drag him away and he says, “Oh, that won't be necessary.”

Pollux is right there, catching their attention.

Twilight hasn’t taken his eyes off of Desmond.

Flash. Burn. Crack.

BANG!

~

A/N: Reminder that I don't read the manga, so all character dynamics are at around the point the story has paused in the anime. Don't spoil me about later developments please :D

[shen-liqin]

What If-

My thoughts are lowkey scrambled right now but just had a random thought (dk if it’s been done before given how long the HP fandom has existed though so sorry in advance if someone did make it)

What if Harry like, just had a deathly fear of cockroaches or something? This is more of a crack or crack treated seriously idea tbh.

Like it could stem from the fact that sometimes his cupboard had cockroaches in it and the sounds of them scurrying across the small area creeped him out as a child, plus the sensation of a cockroach crawling on you is kinda alarming. Maybe Dudley and his friends used them to mess with Harry as a child one way or another too? Idk at this point.

Main reason why I thought of it was because I just found the thought of The Boy Who Lived, the wizard who fought a basilisk in Year 2, went against a damn dragon in Year 4, and had to deal with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for basically his entire school life, just shrieking at the sight of a cockroach funny.

Like imagine the whiplash people at Hogwarts experience, staff included, when during a relatively mundane day at the Great Hall, a shriek is heard from the Gryffindor table. Everyone turns to look at the table in alarm because you’d think someone was about to be Crucio’d with how they screamed.

Only to see Harry fucking Potter trembling and crouched on top of the dining table, his striking green eyes trained on some sort of moving insect on the floor near the benches.

Meanwhile Ron and Hermione, who were made aware of Harry’s fear sometime during Second Year, just deal with the situation calmly, as if it was normal to see THE Harry Potter scared out of his damn wits by a cockroach. Like Hermione is probably trying to calm him down as if he was some sort of wild animal that got spooked. Ron, on the other hand, kinda just deals with the cockroach by shooing it away from the area/killing it (which ever way appeals to you guys more).

Ron and Hermione probably discovered his fear during the times they hung out in the girl’s bathroom for the Polyjuice potion. Like one day a cockroach just snuck out of a crevice and scared the absolute shit outta Harry - which in turn scared Ron and Hermione because of the sudden scream that came from him. I imagine all three of them kinda swore Moaning Myrtle to secrecy and the only reason she agreed was because she found the whole thing hilarious and because it was Harry lol.

All I’m saying is that if Voldy and his team end up using this fear against him somehow, it could end in two ways:

Harry just freezes and ends up meeting his dead relatives a few seconds after and everyone on team Noseless kinda short circuits because of how damn easy it seemed to get rid of Voldemort’s greatest enemy. Like imagine the little shit that’s been repeatedly foiling the Dark Lord’s plans for most of his school career via Gryffindor energy and trauma just, freezing, and suddenly becoming an easy target. All because of a god damn cockroach of all things.

Scenario two is Harry just going absolutely apeshit from the stress, adrenaline, and fear running through his system because of Year 7 as a whole and now Tom and his Death Eaters using fucking cockroaches against him. My man is just screaming spells left and right and unintentionally using non-verbal magic trying to kill all the cockroaches Voldy and his gang brought. The Death Eaters are just getting their asses handed to them unintentionally because so many stray spells are hitting them.

Running out of ideas now, if someone wants to add on to this, feel free to do so! Just thought I’d post this cause my brain was starting to cramp because if the potential this had lmao.

[iamafictionfreak]

Tantric Healing and Tawan?

(Right. I wrote something at the start of the week that work, and family made impossible for me to have the time to upload. At the end I rambled a bit about what I think is to come in the latter half of the show. You don’t have to read it but since I took the time to write it I might as well reveal how the show’s screwing with me. Also, only ten gifs per post? How are we supposed to obsess appropriately??)

Let’s talk about this fandom’s favourite subject: Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex

No, SERIOUSLY. Let’s. Talk. About. The. Sex. Stuff. This girl can’t get passed it. Don’t you understand how incredible that scene was, how significant? Let’s not skip how they took a very base, very COMMON, very normal activity and elevated it into something so beautiful, something special, despite the circumstances.

Hand jobs can be as much an act of love as they can be a quickie in a bathroom.

This was no quickie in a bathroom.

This was a conversation – this was a mutual back and forth, a very passionate, explorative, exciting expression of the EVERYTHING both were feeling and goddamn, I don’t recall any other show – focusing on whatever sexuality – that has managed to so realistically pull something like this off.

It was so intimate, I felt like I was an intruder, except they were inviting us in as witnesses.

That moment was simultaneously a ‘how to’ for two men who want to fuck and evidence that a hand job can be seen as a dirty, base act in human sexual activity, just as it’s fundamental to the exploration of your love. It’s as much an act of love as sex or kissing. It’s simply more exposed. More intimate. More revealing in some ways.

With these two, these old hats when it comes to sex and the like, it shouldn’t be anything more than an act and it wasn’t. Let’s celebrate.

Kinn knows Porsche views sex as practical and a monetary earner and knows he’s never been in a relationship, just as Kinn knows he entertains escorts for stress relief and hasn’t kissed anyone – and meant it – in a long time. They both use sex for practical reasons because they don’t know how to trust people, and themselves, with more.

Saying Porsche is loose is as much a smack against Porsche’s self-neglect - and neglect in general - as it is against his feelings for Kinn.

Did Tawan cheat on him? Did Tawan abuse the trust Kinn put in him?

There has to be something beyond Tawan being his ex-boyfriend who he clearly loved, because Kinn’s behaviour is showing a massive scabbed over but never allowed to heal wound.

But back to casual sex. Porsche would have done anything for his brother. Nothing he necessarily regrets because it got his brother closer to his dream. Porsche knows Kinn understands that. To deliberately demean Porsche, was so far passed what he thought Kinn could do there.

It ties back to the way he’d fooled Vegas, the way he’d looked so content with Kinn’s entrance: he thought Kinn would read him and the situation and come up 10 out of 10.

Except Kinn is being battered on all sides: it’s no mistake that Kinn’s one area of freedom - Porsche - is where Kinn erupts, because he can trust Porsche with this, reveal this broken component that will always be part of him, that can’t help but be jealous, that twists situations because he’s been betrayed before. He’s being betrayed now, by his father. By Vegas. By his bodyguards.

Kinn ran away with himself on this haze of anger and mistrust – he knows Porsche hasn’t done anything, but he doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t.

Kinn’s a pain in the ass. He knows he’s difficult, impossible even, to handle at the best of times. It would take a very special man to want to stay with someone like Kinn.

Okay, we really need to go back to Tawan. Either Kinn knows he's alive, Kinn actually thinks he killed him/he’s dead, or daddy dearest took him out. Either way, Kinn loved Tawan and somehow it went to shit. Receiving the love of a Mafia Don in training would never be easy, but it can’t be that simple, not THIS story. He betrayed Kinn or Kinn did something that embarrassed the family because of Tawan. Whether Kinn knows Tawan’s alive isn’t a concern here – it’s that Kinn has been here before and I do think Porsche returning is significant precisely because it’s the opposite of what happened with Tawan.

Kinn could never, would never, engage in a relationship after that where the other party responds the same way. People are already trying to compare Porsche with Tawan, but I don’t think that’s right. I think on the surface, they appear that way and Kinn will be judged as having replaced one with the other. But Kinn is getting to know Porsche. He came back to Kinn of his own volition. He came back knowing Kinn can’t be 100% himself with him because of the responsibilities he has to his family.

Sensitive to this, Kinn has been moving slowly with Porsche. Genuinely terrified that Porsche made a mistake or will retract his overture because Kinn doesn’t know how to navigate this.

Notice how they haven’t had sex yet? Trust me, they didn’t off screen. It’s important.

Kinn knows his father is against this, for whatever reason. He’s waiting for Korn to respond in full – so far, his father has given Kinn verbal warnings, but eventually he’ll do more. Why he’s set against Kinn having a heart is beyond me: it can make you stronger, but clearly Korn has suffered because of it.

Unless he’s testing Kinn and hoping Kinn takes a stand against him. It’ll reveal that he’s ready to rule. But for now, Kinn doesn’t know how to do this. It went tits up last time and though he’s learned a lot since then, he still doesn’t know how to protect his partner without paradoxically exposing himself and vice versa.

He doesn’t order Pete to spy on Porsche because he distrusts him, he does it because he knows Vegas, and Porsche is tempting. Pete really didn’t help, he just stoked fires. All week, or longer, Kinn’s been the most helpless he’s ever felt: he’s had to watch this man he knows he’s fallen for be pulled away from him.

If Kinn were at the level of a Don he’d just tell everyone to fuck themselves and then he’d pull some stunt out of his ass to prove why pushing him is a mistake. But as it is, he’s even had to pretend that he doesn’t care whether Vegas poaches on Porsche. Much to Porsche’s dislike. Seriously, Porsche hates Kinn’s apathy.

Kinn’s not remotely apathetic in that last scene.

Porsche makes Kinn very aware of how not free he is, just as he provides Kinn with that route to freedom.

In an instant, that old fear erupts in an angry, toxic green mess of jealousy, loneliness, self-hate, and anger. Suspicion. As if he’s been betrayed again.

It’s just so much easier to guard himself and lash out. He needs to vent – and Porsche is supposed to get that, to see the problem with Vegas and know psychically what Vegas will do before he does it!!

He doesn’t allow himself to see the way Porsche relaxed on his arrival, but he does see the hurt in Porsche, and he wants it. He wants Porsche to be hurt and lash out at him, he wants this argument. In arguing, the truth can come out – it isn’t necessarily healthy, but it’s miles better than how they navigated their emotions in episode 5.

He wants to argue because he’s repressed every-fucking-thing and it’s at a boiling point. This is all desire and insidious levels of jealousy and fear. He can’t vent the way he wants to because until he knows Porsche is 100% in, he won’t allow himself to go there with him physically.

I think Porsche bringing up Tawan, in THAT moment, was incredibly interesting: like he’s deliberately pushing Kinn. Porsche wants Kinn riled to hell. But Kinn’s already there. Porsche is in front of him, shirtless. Another man had been all over him. KINN’S ALREADY THERE.

Notice the way Kinn reacts to the mention of Tawan. Whatever once happened, Kinn’s past it in one way. BUT. Kinn needs closure. Kinn has unresolved issues to the maximum. Until he gets it, his past will always be a weapon against him; one his father wields cruelly. One Vegas has tried to use to pull Porsche from him, much to his failure.

Porsche wasn’t supposed to use it against hm too. Even here.

Kinn doesn’t lock down, he rises like a fucking cobra and goes for the jugular. Believe it or not, again, it’s such an improvement to episode 5 because they’re leaning into the chemistry between them as opposed to pushing the other away. Here, they’re violently drawing each other in.

And he gets slapped for it. Gets to see the damage he caused in the one person who doesn’t deserve it. It pulls him out of a very dark spiral of history. Kinn doesn’t want to be the same as he’s been for so long; distrustful and too sharp for his own good.

(GIF by @liyazaki )

Kinn doesn’t let Porsche leave, they’re way past that. And he can’t. It’s instinctive now.

Porsche doesn’t want to leave; Porsche isn’t that weak: he’s a stallion. No, he lets Kinn pull him back.

There’s no way Kinn’s hands are lifting, not once they’re on Porsche’s skin; Kinn’s already gone on the guy, now he has a physical handhold. Unless Porsche makes it clear that he no longer wants Kinn, Kinn’s routed.

And he’s in agony.

Look how his eyes are closed here, how he knows he’s fucked up. But he also knows that Porsche isn’t running, knows that Porsche isn’t pushing him off either, like he did with Vegas. Kinn would let go if he did. Porsche is simply hurt.

( GIF by @laurenkmyers )

And he’s waiting.

That’s how they work. Porsche has the control in this area. Kinn pushes and pushes and pushes and Porsche lets him, antagonises him even. Kinn pushed too far in his effort to reach the truth and Porsche is still letting him keep him there, because he wants Kinn to make it right, because he wants to understand Kinn, as much as what he said hurt.

If Kinn does what Porsche needs him to do, it’ll prove that what Porsche has been feeling from Kinn is accurate: that Kinn’s in this with him.

The way he curls in on himself, expecting Kinn to respect his space whilst giving Kinn space to make this right. And Kinn unlike Vegas doesn’t force Porsche around, doesn’t press kisses where they aren’t wanted.

I know episode 6 made people feel like their relationship should be solid but for me, it was the opposite. Episode 6 broke open their world’s. How deep it goes is about to be revealed.

This wasn’t what Kinn wanted tonight, and Porsche walking out would ruin him. And he’s so fucking sorry for making a bad situation for Porsche, worse. For not being able to control old habits in time.

Porsche means everything to him and it’s terrifying but Kinn’s dying to connect.

I meant it. Kinn needs to reach Porsche in all the ways he knows. The ways of sex but he wishes he knew another way - he’s been holding back since the clusterfuck following their first time, because he did everything wrong and he’s scared of doing that again, of taking them some place further when Porsche isn’t ready. Kinn really needs to sex this guy up. Or down. Repeatedly.

@lutawolf once told me that sex is Kinn’s love language and I'm so gone on it.

Porsche too has held back. He’s figuring this out too, he’s learning Kinn, but he’s avoiding the places where it hurts.

Kinn desperately wants to show how much Porsche means to him, but he doesn’t know how to with words.

And Porsche is so still. Waiting for Kinn.

( GIF by @dingyuxi )

But notice as well how the atmosphere between them doesn’t dissipate. It’s still right there: not even just a pulse, it’s an entire weight of heat and want and fear and love and regret and a plea. And it doesn’t crush, it envelops them.

Devotion written on his skin; we haven’t seen Kinn be like this yet. Has Kinn worshipped before? It looks like worship.

It looks like love.

This scene was filled. There’s just so much there, in that tiny moment even – never mind the rest of the scene.

The apology Kinn writes on his skin with his own.

Feeling the truth of it, Porsche turns and then they’re both stood in the light. There’s this little noise Kinn makes as Porsche turns – turns slowly, like he understands how on edge Kinn is and is telling him that he’s not leaving – and it’s desperate, worried, hopeful.

On seeing what this really is, Kinn relaxes into his relief… but he doesn’t stop touching Porsche, breathing him in, taking him in, showing him just how much he’s feeling through touch and sensation.

He’s so full of feeling here – it’s all for Porsche.

Porsche’s scent.

His skin.

His hair.

Porsche’s attention.

Porsche.

Porsche isn’t leaving and Kinn’s just… seeing him… wanting him… pleading.

Kinn’s felt love before, but this is different – this is an altogether new traverse and words are failing him.

Wanting to prove he’s sorry, Kinn starts slow. Uses his mouth, mouths regret on Porsche’s skin even as he lavishes attention upon it. The way he inhales and laps at his throat, like he wants to eat him, like it’s not enough and then the kiss…

Kinn wouldn’t reach for Porsche without Porsche’s say so here. I’m going to skip the whole ask and nod thing because the fandom wrung that moment dry the other night.

(GIF by @moerusai )

I will focus for just a moment on Porsche’s hips and Kinn’s thumbs as they skate over them again. Porsche is delicious. He has beautiful hips; they could make models cry. Kinn’s very aware of his body: it’s his most favourite thing (yes, it helps that Apo is an Adonis and that the crew know that, but there’s a difference between knowing it and utilising it to its fullest here and Mile’s done wonderfully). You can see it in the worship of his hands, the respect in them.

(GIF by @namchyoon )

The way Kinn watches Porsche’s face as he jerks him off almost had my own eyes rolling into my head, Jesus. It’s CLEAR – God, is it – that Kinn’s extremely aroused just from Porsche’s pleasure, from Porsche letting him do this. The way Kinn’s relief has led him to letting go, led him to loving him and feeling each movement of his wrist as if he were him with the grip on his dick. And Porsche would never let him do this if he hadn’t forgiven him if he wasn’t accepting. It’s bliss.

Porsche has missed Kinn. These past weeks where he’s worked with Vegas, he’s shown in little ways that he really doesn’t want Vegas’s attention and he utilised an effective tactic to discover why. But the whole time, he wanted to go back to Kinn. I’m firm in the belief that he didn’t wear underwear because he was planning on visiting Kinn after a few drinks – drunk Porsche can be lush Porsche too, but he’s well acquainted with himself whilst he’s drunk, and he hadn’t drunk anywhere near enough for him to be that. No, he wanted to enjoy himself and them… go to Kinn.

To see his face, feel his touch, hear his voice, and not have to worry that Kinn will pull away.

He’s not pulling away.

He’s giving, but this time Porsche wants to show Kinn that he understands his regret, he forgives him and wants him. Very much. Wants to see him come undone more than he wants it for himself.

So, he opens Kinn’s pants, takes him in hand and surprises the shit out of Kinn who’s been more than willing to place Porsche’s pleasure about his own. He’s been waiting for permission to touch him again, but he hadn’t thought Porsche would…

Okay, Porsche kissed him in the middle of nowhere. That kiss could have ignited a thousand stars, but it’s not this. Porsche reciprocating is beyond anything that Kinn thought he would have here.

Porsche not only reading Kinn but wanting to give this to him? It releases the need in Kinn and watch him go brainless for a moment, watch his hand stop moving, watch him pull around to see Porsche’s face, to confirm why Porsche is doing this and-

( GIF by @tiedankelstotheocean )

It’s clear as day: the smug, happy, carnal desire in Porsche’s face from watching Kinn letting him reciprocate, from watching Kinn feel.

You know, I don’t think Porsche immediately took them both in hand – I think he started with Kinn and Kinn, so blown away and breathless enough to start that incredibly intoxicating gasping, had to let go of Porsche. Let Porsche take over.

And just like Kinn, Porsche is getting off on touching Kinn and hearing Kinn and watching Kinn, but it’s a very different kind of pleasure. He’s so quiet in comparison to Kinn, his long sighs almost drowned out by Kinn’s desperate, breathy moans.

The hand grip on Porsche’s hair, Kinn’s seat. His point of stability and control as the rest of him looses composure, and he does lose composure. It’s another point of freedom – his smiles are as wide if not wider than they were then they were both in the forest together, trusting Porsche who gets bolder and bolder, who eventually takes them both in hand and I don’t believe for a second that Porsche needed much after that to join him.

(GIF by @earthmix-myonethousandstar

But yes, the hand – keeping Porsche right there, both where Kinn wants him to be and where Porsche wants to be.

(GIF by @akindofemotionaltether )

When they both reach their mutual climax, Porsche’s is quiet, soft and easing whereas Kinn’s feels like his was ripped out of his gut.

Again, with Porsche in the driver’s seat, he pulls Kinn closer – seriously, they don’t give a shit about their surroundings: their penises are touching, and they’ve just orgasmed. They’re good where they are – because contact contact contact and the beautiful whimper from Kinn tells me he loves it too and please don’t stop wanting me Porsche.

It’s not surprising that Kinn’s quieting gasps turn into little sobs and pleas for comfort. Kinn really needed this. To have all the ugly feelings he was experiencing, destroyed. To feel like everything’s simple for a moment, to feel Porsche.

It wasn’t only Porsche he hurt.

What’s Next?

So, I went on about the sex – OF COURSE I DID – but not much about Tawan.

I think what we all need to breathe in and accept about Kinn’s history is that Kinn both learned a lot about himself from Tawan and that Tawan almost succeeded in ruining him.

Kinn’s love of bathing? That’s Tawan’s influence.

Kinn being a total Dominant? It’s likely that he either learned that he was one with Tawan or he became one because of Tawan.

Kinn’s distrust? Tawan in the physical personification of it.

Whether we like it or not, Tawan is going to be a huge roadblock for our leading couple.

Do I think that Kinn is still in love with Tawan?

No. As said earlier, I think Kinn’s issues all tie back to Tawan – the issues not revolving around his own parents, that is – and that Tawan might have power over him because of it. Of course, this won’t last, but if it’s accurate, Porsche is in for a rough time.

If Tawan can twist what Kinn is seeing, I think that Tawan might either push Kinn to fear his own feelings for Porsche – feelings that threaten to make his past love for Tawan look like Childs play – or he’ll push Kinn to tighten his control over Porsche and take steps back emotionally.

Or – and it’s just as bad – Tawan will make Kinn question whether Porsche is the mole.

The bitch.

We are not supposed to like this character. He’s here to make Porsche feel uneasy, unsafe and hurt. I'm guessing here's here because he wants Kinn or wants to destroy Kinn.

I’ve mentioned before that Vegas – obsessed as he is with Kinn – should be investigated to see if he’s poached on Kinn’s lovers. Like all of them. If we’re all right about him, Vegas is probably working with Tawan, which makes Vegas just as much the enemy I’m afraid.

Two potential sadists working together… fuck.

KinnPorsche have a ways to go yet before they’re working together to combat this. I’m extremely nervous about all the angst to come but I know we’ll get to a good place with them after the fact.

But I feel like the next episode is going to really lower our defences. After the bathroom scene – seriously, how audacious was it of them to do that in Vegas’s bathroom, talk about showing him whose boss – we’ll see our leads be more open about each other, more besotted. Happier.

And then, with the entrance of Tawan, it might shatter.

But. There’s hope.

So, we were all wrong about the pool scene following on from the ‘I’m by your side' moment. Pool scene happens episode 8/9 and from the way the fandom has once again broken down every piece of media we’ve been given, we now know that Apo’s favourite line won’t be happening till closer to the end of the season.

In Porsche returning to Kinn, it suggests he leaves Kinn. Kinn’s reaction – to pointing a gun in Porsche’s face – tells me that he might have lost Porsche’s trust and then has asked for Porsche to trust him anyway and Porsche has left him. I highly doubt that if this is factual, it’ll last more than one episode simply because they don’t have time.

This is an epic romance precisely because KinnPorsche are going to beat the odds, so don’t lose heart.

We also know that Mile’s favourite moment is Kinn’s profession of love… why do I think Kinn does this twice? Like, there’s more than one moment where he tells Porsche he loves him. The first moment preceding the pool scene, in private, and the second moment…

Guy’s, I do think that there’s going to be a scene – in front of God, his father, his bodyguards and everyone in existence – where Kinn openly declares Porsche as his equal, his love, his all. It’ll be the moment that ends the niggling insecurities in Porsche and it’ll show Kinn’s readiness to lead.

What else, what else…

Oh, the Mole. Who I still think is Big. Or Ken. Or both of them.

It’s not because they’ve taken to actively disliking Porsche from the get-go. It’s because Big’s already shown both an ability to be dubious and a need to please those with more power than him. He’s subservient to everyone – Big shows his respect and love through acts of service, but these acts of service are based on predetermined rules. As such, they have no value to Kinn and for Kim, Big’s just another weasel who can be bought.

It leads me to believe that Big is a little delusional and a lot blinded by whatever he’s feeling for Kinn.

Look at how he deals with Porsche when the little shit rubs it in his face that he’s just been to the spa with Kinn.

Firstly, Porsche CAN read Big and knew exactly where to target to have an effect.

Secondly, in retaliation, Big sends Porsche to take condoms and lube to Kinn’s room, knowing that Kinn’s right in the middle of entertaining his ‘guest’. He does it in the hopes that Kinn being gay will push Porsche away. The fact that Big automatically believes Kinn being gay will repel Porsche tells me more about Big than Porsche.

Is Big passively homophobic? Or is just that he has a deeply negative opinion of everyone who Kinn comes into contact with, because, you know, jealousy? Or is it because that’s all he’s known his entire life? Has he had to deal with dislike for being gay in the past?

I do think it centres more on Kinn than Big’s past and it backfires on the blind fool. When I say he’s delusional AND the mole, I mean that – IF I’M RIGHT – everything he’s doing, he thinks is for Kinn’s safety and happiness. It means he’s lying to himself. It means he’s very selfish. It means he doesn’t really see Kinn at all, he sees himself. It means he’ll miss certain dangers and allow others to continue. It means he’s actively participating in a plot to make Kinn miserable and more trapped than ever.

It means he, Vegas and Tawan are in cahoots. It means Big has been unknowingly preyed upon by two predators.

I only include Ken because he’s the biggest mystery of them all and that they seem to work together in almost everything.

That and they aren’t seen in the footage of the big shootout that we know is coming towards the end of the season. It’s extremely suggestive. It's also all conjecture.

Added at the last minute:

Lets talk about sex some more!

So, we have the upcoming pool sex which is delicious, but according to Apo and Mile’s, there’s a scene where they were the most nervous and it doesn’t involve the pool – it involves red lights??? Which, we haven’t had yet… unless you consider the warm glow of their first sex scene to be red lights- except it’s not, is it? We have more to come. Pun intended.

Considering they were jerking each other off just now, I’m a little afraid at what would make them the most nervous???

But also, you know, GIVE IT TO ME!

I do think we’ll get sex in the last two episodes. It’ll be the reuniting of our main leads. I also think/hope we’ll get felacio and we’ll have Porsche worshipping Kinn’s body at some point.

We know we’re getting a VegasPete scene, and I don’t think we’re prepared for that either.

I don’t think we’ll get a KimChay scene. I think they’ll kiss. Anything else… season 2?

Whelp, I’ve wrung this dry 😊

[monstersinthecosmos]

Anne Rice's books are filled with morally dubious concepts and toxic relationships, I thought everyone that is fan would be so because of that. But scrolling through the tag I find people claiming to be fans but only of the wholesome parts, which are almost nothing?? Anne Rice is not wholesome in the slightest. I don't know, it feels lonely. And also I see the TV show isn't willing to engage with the horror and complexity of these books neither, which, makes me see the vampire chronicles isn't really meant to be brought to this medium. I don't know why I am dumping this on you but I feel like you would understand somehow. Please ignore if not, I don't want to offend you.

Lmao I’m not offended, hello! I am, however, about to talk way too much bc I haven't changed in the years since I've haunted tunglr dot com so I apologize for that

TLDR: Be a freak, don't let anyone make you feel bad, I hope the show isn't too wholesome.

I’ve been in and out of this fandom for like, literally twenty years 👵🏻 so being completely honest I have always seen a wide range of fans on the spectrum of HAPPILY ENJOYING IN BLISS to ONLY INTERESTED IN CRITICISM and like that’s such a personal, subjective choice of whatever everyone finds fun in their free time. I’ve also, in twenty years, been on both ends of the spectrum, and I even fully swore AR off for a few years at one point bc I was so mad at her lol, but IM BACK BAYBEE and to me idk it’s not fun to take things so seriously all the time. That’s just me though!

I do think there’s been a huge shift in fandom culture (particularly on Tumblr) in the last 10 years or so that prioritizes moral critiques of canon; it’s not just VC, I see this in a lot of fandoms, and I think it’s been more amplified since the Adult Content Ban bc, surprise!, a lot of adults left the site lol. I think we’re living in a culture right now that’s very focused on respectability politics and there’s obviously a huge push in the mainstream to censor and control transgressive media (especially queer fiction), and it doesn’t surprise me that this has influenced younger fans because it’s a culture we are steeped in at all times, even when they try to identify as progressive. But don’t think that the broader wave of censorship right now isn’t connected to the way conservatives are beginning to skew the conversations in fandom spaces, too. Fandom is a microcosm of what’s happening outside! And there are all types of ideas and stigmas that we get inundated with in the world, without our consent, because it’s the space we all occupy. 

Having said all that LOL. All these types of fans exist and sometimes you have to just read the room and find your people. Some people’s enjoyment of the books is conditional, ie: cherrypicking what we liked about them and celebrating just those parts. Especially because I think so many of us read the books young and didn’t think too hard about it; we can agree that Anne’s writing was seductive and we were all probably baby queer weirdos who felt seen or w/e. And I think it’s normal that a lot of us have grown up and looked back at some of the stuff in the books like “oh yikes lol”

But everyone has different ways to navigate those feelings. I personally don’t have a problem compartmentalizing and just enjoying myself. I don’t take fiction morals very seriously and I enjoy the thought exercise of putting myself in imaginary dark places. Not everyone can flip that on and off and separate fiction from reality so easily, so ur milage may vary. I’m also someone who supports the idea of using fiction as a staging area for sexuality, and using fiction imo is a great way to play. Not everybody feels that way and for some people, the fun of playing in fandom is to play with the canon in a transformative way to see how to “fix” it or to rearrange it in a way that is less nauseating. I think there’s a culture in spaces like Tumblr to feel you need to repent for your fiction sins, and not everyone can sit with the guilt of accidentally enjoying amorality in fiction. And like I’m sure there are fans who read IWTV at 13 and Loustat is just so deeply embedded in them that they simply cannot exit the train at this point, and they're doing what they can with the scraps to ease that discomfort.

And I mean, good for them, if it helps them enjoy their time on this fucking germy ass planet!!!!!! That’s very fun, happy 4 u guys lol. 

There is also 1000000% Nothing Wrong with blissfully enjoying all the evil and trash. It is perfectly safe and extremely normal. You just need to find your people, and sometimes it is hard and it does feel lonely. I'm with you, though. I'm here to enjoy the evil bullshit and revel in it LOL. There's literally nothing in the series that is wholesome except for Mojo.

To be honest, I’m not into Loustat at all. And not in a morally superior way—they don’t really do it for me but also Lestat reminds me waaaaaaaay too much of my abuser and Louis reminds me way too much of myself when I was stuck in that relationship. It isn’t fun for me to engage with Loustat content because I tend to only see the manipulation and gaslighting when I look at it, and for me personally it’s juuuuuuust a bit too close to the reality I lived through.  I would argue that my OTP Armand/Daniel is the most toxic ship in VC but I was never kidnapped by a vampire or stalked across the globe while being literally addicted to his body fluid so yknow, that don’t bother me. =P But it’s 100% normal to look at canon toxic ships and play in the sandbox to either “fix” them or to like, take control of the narrative and allow yourself some catharsis by digging into it in a safe imaginary space. When I have the chance I like to mAkE thEM WORSE

So it’s been occurring to me when I see the enthusiasm of these fans for the show that perhaps they don’t particularly like canon to begin with? So changing it this drastically isn’t an issue to them? I’m sure everyone has their own reasons and I don’t want to generalize. On the issue of Claudia, for example: I think she is an intrinsic part of the plot and drives very profound feminist messages in the book, and I think her being a small child is absolutely essential to that story. I recognize that there are morally reprehensible moments in text regarding her and to me I’m like GOOD, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE GROSS. It’s supposed to be gross!!!! It’s a horror novel!!!!!! And Anne Rice was a writer who wanted to always talk about the full spectrum of human emotion, including sexual emotion, so having sexual themes intertwined with the horror was completely on purpose! 

Then you see some people who ONLY see that it’s gross and can’t connect with the full scope of her story because it’s too uncomfortable. And like, you do you bestie! Curate that experience for yourself! Have boundaries and love yourself enough to stay safe!!! But I do think it’s wild the amount of complaints I’ve seen about Claudia, for example, which strike me as particularly ironic because it’s almost meta in the way they’ve embodied the entire reason her character is tragic. People infantilizing Claudia as a character, unable to engage with the topic of her at all, is exactly the reason she’s a tragedy in canon, because she can be as old as she wants and people will always see her as a child. D:

As far as the TV show goes lol. 

Being fair, I don’t think we know enough yet to know how evil & problematic they’re going to be. LMAO. I hope it’s like unhinged gaslighting abusive romance bc like, WHAT ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME FOR IF NOT? But I always have found it funny when you see people who seem to otherwise hate everything problematic in VC somehow cape for Loustat as if it’s any different from the other ships. 😂  

My concerns at this moment are that the way they changed Claudia is a huge red flag to me about whether or not they will engage in the problematic elements, and I’m not thrilled that RJ says the rest of the books give you a better picture of Lestat than just IWTV, because I disagree. Like, hearing from his own voice definitely allows us to know his sense of humor and we can see he’s a bi disaster, but he’s already CHARMING in IWTV. Louis falls for his shit because he’s charming. So I don’t think we need to know that he considers himself faultless for him to have a fuller portrayal on the show. 

Like, I hope the show portrays them as being an abusive ship and shows all the nuance that it deserves, but RJ’s comments reminded me of the binary we see over and over in VC fandom about trying to get to the bottom about WHICH ONE OF THEM WAS LYING. (And it was Lestat, imo LOL he’s told on himself many many times.) So claiming IWTV is an incomplete portrayal of him makes me wonder if RJ comprehended that Lestat is a charming manipulator who abuses everyone in his life LOL. And ESPECIALLY with the time shift + age difference I think this puts them in a very different context. A Lestat who is turned in his 30s with a fully baked prefrontal cortex is going to have a very different temperament from canon Lestat, and even moreso when we understand he’s not a traumatized, freshly-bereaved fledgling anymore but like OVER A CENTURY OLD LMAO so like, he’s had time to calm down and gain some wisdom and that would have to make such a huge difference on the level of coercion. (That’s another red flag for me too is that RJ goes “no no we just changed a couple little things !” and the things he changed are like HUGE??????? So him saying that makes me skeptical again about the nuance of the abuse here.) 

I also have some concerns bc some of the show’s team has worked on other titles that were about toxic male antiheros and there are definitely moments in those shows where you can’t tell if the writers are aware of themselves. IE: Tony Soprano is a racist bad guy who kills people and cheats on his wife, and yet there are still occasional narratives on The Sopranos that show the creators also had some of those same biases, and you must wonder if some of Tony’s actions or behavior weren’t intended to be catalogued in the ways he’s very evil.

So looking at the way they’re speaking about Lestat’s characterization, that they’re referring to it as a romance, and some of the patterns in their other work I do have concerns about how the abuse will be portrayed. I also worry about how the abuse will play on screen now that there is an added racial element, and if it will be too cruel or edge into messages that feel too real and hurtful to the audience. And, to circle back lmao, I’m not uncomfortable with objectionable morals in my fiction, but, some nuance would be good. 

Don’t get me wrong like I hope the ship on the TV show is like ABUSIVE and SEXY and I hope Louis is like HORNY and TRAPPED because he knows he should leave but he CANNOT! And I want there to be some steamy frustrated hatesex! And huge fights and makeup sex! LOL. But yeah I mean, pretending that Loustat is wholesome is a complete joke, and I really really hope that the show doesn’t misunderstand Loustat to a point where they aren’t aware of what they’re really portraying. LET THE STORY BE ABUSIVE BUT PLEASE BE AWARE OF YOURSELF! 

(Anne could have used this advice too in the second half of the series LMAO whoops but I think having that nuance would ultimately make these stories even richer. HERE I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT CANON NONCOMPLIANCE EXCEPT MAKING AN EXTREMELY UNAWARE PORTRAYAL OF ABUSE IS COMPLETELY CANON, my bad.) 

And basically like. If it’s not going to be those things I’m just back to wondering why they wanted to adapt this book? So far the only thing in common with canon is like… New Orleans???? An interview of some type will take place? They have the same names? 

So it’s hard to hear the team talk about how respectful they are of the book when…. They’re not keeping anything from the book? LOL. What exactly did you see in this story that you wanted to express? I don’t get it. 😂 And I would hate for a book about morally dubious characters and abusive romances to be like, a campy vampire romance without any of those questions and themes. 

I’m not saying any of this to nitpick or be needlessly negative; I’m saying it to say it’s some of the things I’ve been wondering and some of the clues I’ve been looking for during the past year to see what exactly is going on with this show LOL. Again, I don’t think the trailer told us enough to know. I’ve been critical and looking for these things and genuinely don’t have a solid opinion yet because I haven’t gotten enough information. Lestat is certainly being extremely predatory and he looks unhinged as fuck so that’s a good sign LMAO. Louis even refers to it in the voiceover as being “hunted”, so it’s nice to know that he feels that way with 100 years of perspective. But we’ll have to wait and see! 

I think at this point I’m really hoping for like HANNIBAL LEVEL fuckery and like that type of unhinged gaslighting and manipulation LOL and I think Hannibal was about as far from canon as VCTV looks so far. I’m just doing my best to compartmentalize and be fair about the show while also acknowledging my extremely deep disappointment that we waited 5 years for WOLFKILLER STUFF AND NICKI only to be given an AU fanfic lol. And like, I give Hannibal a bit of a pass because by the time that show came out there had already been like 5 movies made of that franchise and they were mostly faithful so like at that point the idea had already been explored and it was time to remix. I don’t feel VC has ever gotten that shot yet so it’s sad that they went straight for a remix :( 

anyway sorry, I disappeared off tumblr for years but I apparently still answer anons with exceedingly meandering essays, I have no idea if this answered what you were asking but LOL YOLO ✌️

[multifandomwritings]

Would love some more Oz Cobblepot from you! The kisses on was so sweet. How do you think Oz and Reader met?

I'm so glad you like it!! :) I love answering simple asks like this that I can just ramble about instead of properly writing anything lol. So if anyone ever wants to just ask random questions I'll write you a little something about it! Any characters/fandoms. Also, when I write for Oz, I'm exclusively writing for 2022 version!

How you met Oz (The Batman)

So many thoughts came to mind!

The most likely thing would be that you stumbled into the Iceberg and caught his eye. Even if that's not the sort of place you'd typically go to, maybe you got dragged along by a friend or some strange events somehow made you end up there. Either way, he'd approach you with a mix of confidence and hesitation, almost waving his money in your face to catch your interest. When you were more interested in him than anything else, he'd know he was in trouble.

But personally, I'm cliche and cheesy and trash for meet-cutes and such. So I like the idea of you just stumbling upon each other by accident and things going from there. Maybe he'd have a particularly bad day and would be an unfamiliar area on his own. He'd stop somewhere he normally wouldn't for a change of pace, something like a coffee shop or a restaurant or even a corner store when he'd bump into you. He'd be in a vulnerable state anyway and wouldn't be keeping up the usual confident mobster thing he usually does, which would quickly throw him off and make him insecure as you began talking to him.

He'd have no idea how to act, unsuccessfully attempting to regather his composure and self-assuredness. You would see right through him however and would, within minutes, have him wrapped around your finger. Suddenly, he'd be curious about everything about you. Your name, your interests and hobbies, your likes and dislikes, even just stuff like what colors you like and what sort of habits you have and all that. Romantic sap honestly and will be thinking about you without even realizing it.

Either way, I see him as the type to be surprisingly romantic and devoted. Like yes, he's a flirt. But once you've caught his eye, that's it. He's putty in your hands and he would be perfectly content to be. He would be hesitant to admit it and wouldn't actually pursue you (outright, anyway) because he wouldn't assume you'd be interested in him. He's a weird mix of confident and insecure so on one hand he'd have no trouble constantly hitting on you and on the other he wouldn't actually have the courage to admit that he had feelings for you. But if you showed that kind of interest in him and encouraged him, you'd only make his feelings for you worse. Once he caught feelings, you could do no wrong in his eyes.