#some. sad shit /lh

[ildiavoloro55o]

I didn’t know that he saw it. I thought it was just around the circuit and some fans saw it and posted it. But it was directly in front of him.

My heart 💔

This so disrespectful towards Carlos who is still driving for Ferrari. Couldn’t they wait for this year to finish before pulling this kind of shit!

[chewysgummies]

Before I go to sleep, I just wanna say that this show did killbot 86 so fucking dirty bro.

As if Sylvia didn't have it bad, Killbot 86 had it worst cause he literally exists for that one episode where Peeper acts like a lil bitch and whines like a crybaby to lord hater cause he suck at his job. And dead ass that episode got multiple animation errors so they literally introduced Killbot 86 in such a god awful/lame way by giving him multiple design errors in his first debut while also getting shit on by Peeper so they can prove that he's actually a "CoOL and bADaSs" character that grew a spine in s2 after kissing Lord hater's ass throughout s1. He has such a unique design & and the potential to shine only for them to just keep using him just so he can get his shit kicked in by the main two characters and then leave. That's it. That's literally it. And we barely got to know him so the guy had zero characters other than him being a bad guy & a bounty hunter. In which that could've been interesting cause bounty hunter's job is to capture criminal & fugitive. They're not actually bad guys themselves. But this show really treats them like they are, so now I'm wondering what killbot 86's true motive is since that "Evil as can be" karaoke basically confirmed him to be a villain. And since I love him much, it just upset me now that I'm thinking about it. If he doesn't show up again in S3 and at least give him a proper introduction again after a whole ass decade. What the fuck was the point then.

[twokantonianlawyers]

rOTOMBLR HELP WHAT DO WHEN PARTNER IS SLEEPILY CLINGING TO YOU LIKE A VENOMOTH HEEELP (GOOD THING) -Ryuunosuke

[pullupinarari]

The house feels haunted [LH]

author’s note: it took me 6 days to write the biggest angst this blog has ever seen. i’m sorry if it turns out to be shit, but this made me feel miserable so I hope yall enjoy it 😭

warnings: there are mentions of cheating and a miscarriage happens in this fic. it’s nothing too specific but there’s mentions of blood. it’s devastating, heartbreaking, and it has a sad ending. if you don’t want to read it, don’t feel the need to announce it. read at your own risk‼️

• masterlist

wc: 13 673 - English is not my first language! Feedback is always appreciated

You were never a fan of storms. You never really enjoyed hearing the sound of the thunder hitting the ground at a forceful speed, with a power that seemed as if it was fed by anger, making you shake in your sleep as if you didn’t feel safe inside your own house. 

The way the lightning would appear like a flash inside the four walls of your bedroom, making goosebumps appear on your skin as your brain would let you know: it’s hitting. It can hit anywhere near you right now, and it can set everything in to a fury of flames around you, burning you alive if you’re not lucky enough to survive, to make it out alive. 

Usually during those nights, your boyfriend Lewis would hug you tighter, kissing the top of your head nonstop while your body would tremble in his arms. He would softly hum a lullaby to you, his fingers playing with your hair gently, letting you know that everything is fine, that you don’t need to be afraid: and if anything happens, he would be by your side to protect you. 

In the middle of waking up and falling asleep a countless amount of times during the night, you could always find the warm comfort of his frame, faithfully glued to yours, ready to embrace your figure a little closer if needed. 

For the past few days, it seems as if your life is being chased by a storm though. After Lewis came back home from being away in a work meeting abroad, your boyfriend seemed distant. His eyes wouldn’t shine as bright as they used to when he looked at you, he was quiet most of the time when he was near you, as if he wasn’t happy to see you again. The intrusive thoughts in your mind were quick to come up with a thousand different scenarios of everything that could be happening for him to be acting so weird lately. 

“Maybe he is preparing a surprise?” , “but it’s not my birthday, nor our anniversary”, “OH, maybe he is going to propose? Maybe he is nervous because he has been thinking about it?”, your mind asks and answers at the same time, your fingers playing with the promise ring on your finger. 

A few weeks before leaving for his work trip, your boyfriend mentioned a couple of times how he would like to “take the next step” with you, how gorgeous you look when wearing white, displaying a teasing wink on his features while the most charming smile would show on his lips. So maybe, he kept thinking about it while being away, missing his girlfriend to the point of wanting to fly you out to his hotel room. 

The anxiety of the unknown would carve on your stomach, trying to read his mind, until he figured out that he needed to be honest with you. 

Ironically, it happened on a rainy day. The drops of water hitting the windows would announce the bad omen surrounding the four walls of the house you have been sharing with Lewis for three years now. 

- I need some space, Y/N. I can’t keep doing it like this. I need time for myself, I need to live my life on my own for a while. I just need to be alone. - he said to you, his words careful to leave his mouth, as if they had been thought and rethought a thousand times, until Lewis found the best way to let them out. With a soft tone, his voice barely above a whisper, it almost felt like he wasn’t breaking your heart in half. 

But he was. It took you a second to process the message he was passing you, but once your brain received it, your instinct was to hold the man’s face in your hands, your fingers caressing his cheeks as your tear-filled eyes would look inside his chocolate ones, trying to read him again, to see through him, to try and understand why this is happening. 

- Lew? No, no, baby please! Why do you want a break from me, from us? Was it something I did? I can do better, I promise, I will try not to be so clingy if that’s the problem, I’ll try to- 

Cutting you off, Lewis’ hands gently grabs your wrists, removing your fingers from his face, distancing your bodies a bit as you got closer to him while trying to find a way to save your relationship. 

- This is on me, Y/N. You did nothing wrong, I swear you didn’t. I just need space for myself, I need to dedicate some time to my mind as well, and I need to do it on my own. - his voice is growing hoarse as he records all the tears swelling in your eyes, falling on the skin of your rosy cheeks, growing redder due to the fire collapsing inside of your body.

You weren’t expecting it. Never, in a million years, were you ready to hear your boyfriend saying that he wants to move on with his life, without having you by his side. Maybe you were wrong, maybe all those nights where you would feed your thoughts with illusions of him proposing to you, deceiving yourself so you can keep your mind busy, denying all the negative possibilities that could happen, maybe that’s what brought you here.

You still don’t know why he wants to be alone, now. Maybe you were always way too busy in your own fantasy to see the signals that might have been there all along, only to be ignored by you. But as he distances himself more and more from you after those last words left his body, you knew that nothing would make him change his mind. 

Packing your clothes with your eyes full of tears was the most hurtful thing that you have ever done. Having to leave the only place that has felt like home for so long, where you would feel safe, with the only person who was able to love you the way you are, with no judgments, no restrictions, no interruptions. 

With a simple bag over your shoulder, having no force in yourself to pack everything right now, you show up in the living room where Lewis was sitting, waiting for you to finish packing. 

His face is laced with coldness, as if it’s almost indifferent for him to watch you leave, to forget about the four years of his life that he has shared with you, three of them while sharing this place where you would call your shelter, the four walls that would protect the both of you, in the embrace of the other’s arms, feeling seen and understood by one another. 

Taking one last look at him, you could swear that you would grab his hand and take him with you to see the sea, through your eyes. The ones where the waves of emotion don’t stop crashing against your skin, leaving indentations along your features, staining your cheeks with their shape as the salty water keeps running until it reaches your chin. 

The deafening silence fills the room. Neither of you knows what to say, but neither of you feels the need to say anything. Just by looking at your face, Lewis can already feel his heart clenching in his chest, and the endless tears leaving your eyes are enough for him to discover how great the sadness of this world is. 

There’s no point in telling you that he is sorry, or how he wishes things could be different. He wouldn’t mean it, anyway. So without a word, he just sees you walking out the door, and out of his life - his brain still trying to figure out if it’s temporary or definitely.

You expected more from your life than to walk out of your ex-boyfriend’s house with just a bag in your hands, a tear stained face and a broken heart. You expected more than to find yourself muffling your cries on a pillow, lying your sore body on a cold bed, one that you don’t recognize, that definitely doesn’t feel like home, the way your sheets used to. 

Staying at a hotel room, all you can do is let it out now to the four walls that don’t know you yet, but are about to become your most truthful confidants. Right now, you don’t want to call your parents, your brother, you don’t want to talk to anyone about what happened. You grabbed your most important belongings from Lewis’ house, and you will go back to pack the rest of your things once you clear your mind and figure everything out. 

But now, it’s just you, the pillow you’re hugging close, and the raindrops hitting the window, your eyes watching them dancing in the glass, while your own drops of sadness leave your body as well. 

The sky doesn’t clear, it’s been heavily grey for some days now, the clouds occupying the entire space on the highness of the atmosphere, never indicating that they can disappear soon. When you look outside, it’s like you get a visual representation of your love life, of your feelings, a storm that’s slowly forming in the midst of your core, changing the promises of your happy future forever. 

And even as the days go by, the agonizing pain in your chest doesn’t cease. Crying yourself to sleep every night, struggling to focus on your work without crumbling down into a puddle of tears. 

You haven’t been eating much, always feeling drained to your core, exhausted all the time, not even feeling like getting out of bed. What’s the point in trying to take one day at a time, if your mind just continues to repeat the pain in your heart, relieving all the words that left Lewis’ mouth when he kicked you to the curb. 

Your body feels weird, weak, but you’re too heartbroken to care. You feel too lifeless to listen to the signs that something is happening with you, constantly ignoring the way your stomach feels off, how you often get nauseous just by looking at food, to the point of ignoring the fact that your period is late. But it’s okay, it’s just a consequence of all the stress and emotional turmoil that you have been going through, your body will - hopefully - go back to normal in a few weeks. 

But it doesn’t. And it’s not until your brother is handing you a pregnancy test - that he went to buy at a nearby pharmacy, after you told him everything that’s been happening to your body lately, that you acknowledge the symptoms. 

Two, bright, red lines. The result that swept you off your feet, changing your perspective of life forever. Your trembling hands hold the test, warm tears paint your eyes as you try to compose your breathing. 

For some minutes, your brain crashes, not understanding if this is good news or not. On one hand, you don’t feel ready to deal with a pregnancy right now, to raise a baby on your own, especially while feeling so hurt and heartbroken. But on the other hand, everything happens for a reason, right? You know how Lewis always dreamt of being a dad, so maybe this could be a sign: a sign of hope, telling you that there’s still something bright out there for you to look out for. Maybe, after breaking the news to him, Lewis might love you again, enamoured by the thought of creating a family by your side, like he used to mention so many times before. 

Some shy feelings of hope tingle in your stomach now, making you caress your belly mindlessly. There’s a baby growing inside of you, after all. A baby that was made out of love, the type of love that Lewis just needs to remind himself of again, to allow himself to feel it beating in his chest while looking deep into your eyes. 

That night, you go to sleep with a mix of emotions bubbling inside of you. The thought of becoming a mum makes an effortless smile appear in your features, happy tears appearing in the corners of your eyes as you imagine how your belly will grow in the next few months, how you are living the true miracle of life, your body sheltering your baby - everything you have ever wanted. 

But still, there’s a hint of unsureness, feeling hesitant to go back to Lewis’ place to tell him the news, to look at his face again after the cold gaze he shared with you last time. Nevertheless, this is his baby as well, and he has the right to know that a little one who is half of him, is on its way - and even if he decides not to be part of your child’s life, at least you did your part, and you can live the rest of your life with your kid without feeling anymore remorse or regrets. But right now, you can only go to sleep with the hope of a brighter tomorrow, of a day where the sun will finally show up, illuminating the most hidden corners of each street, helping to give you a good feeling about what you are going to do.

Surprisingly, you wake up to a heavy rain, the heaviest of the past couple of weeks. The skies are painted in a dark grey, making you furrow your eyebrows at the way the weather seems to match perfectly the way you feel. 

Taking a deep breath, you get ready to leave your hotel room, calling a taxi to take you to your ex-boyfriend’s house. While you’re on your way, you can’t help but notice that insecure feeling pooling in your chest again, how you feel anxious and unsure about knocking on his door again. 

He did ask you to give him some time, you don’t want to disturb him, you don't want him to think that you can’t leave him alone. This is not what this is about, this is about something bigger than just the two of you and the end of your relationship, this is important, way more important than anything else you two might feel or need right now. 

His car is parked outside, signaling that he is home. Trying to ignore the way your heart is pumping blood into your veins at a crazy speed, you take several deep breaths while standing in front of his door, not having the courage to ring the bell. You can feel the hot tears threatening to spill out of your eyes already, but you hold it together, composing yourself to act like an adult, like an independent woman who has a baby growing inside her right now. 

The rain hasn’t stopped and somehow, it keeps falling heavier and heavier as time passes by. Your clothes are wet, your hair is soaked from standing on the front of his house, but there’s a warm hand touching your stomach absently, caressing the little bean that seems to support you so much already. 

With one final deep breath, you finally ring the bell, the anxiety making you fidget, as if you can’t stay still, waiting for him to open the door. Some minutes pass by, and you can’t help but find it weird that he is taking so long to open the door. So, out of urgency, you ring the bell again. 

You decide to look to the road, watching some cars passing by as you try to distract yourself from the fact that you are waiting to see him again. You notice the shadow of a person coming to the door, your heart racing in your chest as you get ready to look into his chocolate eyes again. 

But, as the door finally opens, you find yourself unable to move. Your eyes widen at the sight, your mouth slightly agape, not believing what you’re seeing right now. 

- Who is it, Sophs? - you hear Lewis’ voice, directing your eyes to his frame that comes into sight a few seconds later. 

Sophia, one of your best friends, the one you shared all your life details with, looking back at you with the guiltiest look on her face. Her hair is a mess, she’s wearing one of Lewis’ t-shirts - your favourite one, the one you used to wear every night while he was away for work, the feeling of comfort by being wrapped in his scent always lulling you to sleep in his absence. 

The man grows silent as his eyes land on you as well, not knowing what to do or say in this situation, definitely not expecting to see you, to have you knocking on his door in the middle of a rainy afternoon, only to find him with your best friend. 

A simple towel, loosely wrapped around his waist is the only thing that’s covering his lower body, his bare chest in full display and your vision goes blurry by the amount of tears that soon start escaping your eyes. 

- Lewis… - a shocked, desperate, questioning whisper leaves your mouth, your hand holding your stomach tighter, as if your conscience is telling you that you have something to hold on to, so your knees don’t give out right now.

You take one last glance at both of them, mindlessly showing them a quiet nod, a hurt one, connecting all the dots in your mind before turning your back to the two people that you never want to see again in your entire life, the sight and scenarios running through your mind being unbearable. The screaming feeling in your chest is so loud that you bet everyone around you can hear it, destruction and desperation hitting you again as you run out of his place, using all your strength to escape this horror movie that you got into. 

Your sobs are loud in the middle of the street while your tears mix with the raindrops that find their place in your skin, walking on the rain - feeling so hopeless, on the verge of wishing life to end up right here, right now, because there’s nothing left for you after all this. 

The only man you truly loved, the only one that made you feel cared for, loved, understood, seen. The one you would do everything for. After all the times you cherished him, supported him through his career, holding everything down at home so he could feel free enough to fly high, to conquer the world, even after knowing how you hated to be alone, how you would wish for him to never leave your side. You still did it for him, and you would go through hell to make your relationship work, to see him happy, only for him to feel like the world was his. You knew that was what he had to do, and you would be happy for him as well. Still, you built all your dreams around him, only for him to break it down into ashes, right in front of you.

And now, he crushed your heart into pieces in a matter of weeks, destroying every beautiful memory that you two shared over the years, betraying you in such a cruel, raw way, treating you like you meant nothing to him now, like you never did, actually. 

And your best friend. Sophia, your fucking best friend, the one you’ve known since you were four years old, the friend you grew beside, the one who became your soulmate, the one you would take on every adventure through life, the one you trusted with your life. 

The two together, their bodies entangled in between the sheets, in an unimaginable moment for the three - neither of you wanting things to really happen this way. 

In one last leap of faith, you call your brother, crying to him on the phone, begging to pick you up, not trusting your body nor anyone around you anymore. 

Waking up with a tear-stained face, an exasperated sigh leaves your body. Exhaustion really took over you once you got to your brother’s house, realizing that your current condition doesn’t allow you to run like a madwoman in the rain anymore. 

There’s already a tray of food on the bedside table, waiting for you to wake up, making a groan leave your throat as you hide your face in the pillows. Your head hurts, your mind feels insufferable, your body feels weak. You are not hungry, the last thing you want to think about right now is food. But then, you force yourself to switch your chip. There’s a life inside of you, growing by the day, even if you feel like dying. And if you can’t find the strength to survive for your own well being, it is your duty to do it for your baby. 

And that’s how you try to look at life for the first days, after everything that happened. Forcing yourself to eat, to drink enough water through the day, to go for a walk, to get some fresh air and some bits of a shy sun that insists on showing up from time to time for only a couple of minutes. 

Your loyal support, your brother, never left your side through it all. He was the one scheduling your first doctor’s appointment ever since you found out you were pregnant, wanting to know if his niece or nephew was okay, not wanting your emotional state to cause any damage to the baby. 

Finding out that you are already seven weeks pregnant came as a surprise to you, not realizing how fast time is passing by while you just seem to be living in slow motion. With a numb mind and a sore heart, everything seems harder to process. But nothing could have prepared you for the moment when you would get to hear your baby’s heartbeat. 

The fast, rhythmic sound of your baby’s small heart, creating an orchestral music that changed the entire environment around you, immediately triggering new tears to leave your eyes. But as surprising as it seems, these aren’t sad, heartbroken tears. These are new ones, the kind that you haven’t felt in so long - the happy tears that seem to warm your insides as they slide through your cheeks. 

This is a turning point for you - you can feel it. It’s like the heartbeat of the small life that’s growing inside of you fills your veins with a sense of hope, of a type of love that you never felt, but the one you are needing now, more than never. It seems that the skies and all the gods got together to hear your prayers, your loud sobs and cries, gathering a solution to help mending your pain: your child, someone for you to take care of, to love, to cherish - a little one that will definitely put all of your pieces back together, helping you in ways that neither of you could ever understand.

And now, you realize how real this is. How you have a baby that’s part of you, that you will be able to hold in your arms if you are patient enough to wait eight more months - and brave enough to deal with all the changes that this period will bring to your life. 

Above it all, you understand that you can’t give up - on yourself, on life. You have a higher purpose, something that’s so much more important than just an ex-boyfriend, making every past event seem so small and unimportant when compared to how badly your baby needs you. 

You are its shelter, its home. You are the only thing your child has right now, and you can’t fail the most important role of your life, from now on. Looking at the little bean on the ultrasound’s screen, a gentle smile finally paints your features. There’s your future, your reason to hold on tight to life again, your reason to continue living, the small glimpse of hope that will help you find the beauty in everything again.

It’s with your head lifted and with an undimmed heart that you leave the doctor’s appointment. Feeling lighter than air, your fingers gently wipe the tears that last escaped from your eyes, letting out a sigh that seems to relieve all the weight that has been lying on your shoulders, lately. It amazes you how the little glimpse of life inside of you has the power to change your life in such profound ways. 

You’re willing to change, things really need to change. You can’t just continue to pretend that you’re living, while rotting in bed all day, silently crying to a pillow, allowing your body to immerse itself in these destructive feelings and thoughts. You need to be strong for your child, regardless of everything that happened. 

Lewis is a matter of the past, now. Anything that he might have done doesn't matter to you anymore, it’s not your business to keep him in your mind for hours on end, making you feel like you’re the worst person in this world. 

For the past few weeks, all you did was allow your mind to consume you, your brightness, your will to live. You felt like you were dying inside, but looking back now, you realize how crazy you were for even thinking that. You’re not dying inside, you’re rebirthing, literally creating a new life inside of your body, one that will step on this land and make every flower blossom again, allowing the sun to shine even brighter in your direction. 

With the determination to create a better future for yourself and your kid, you pack your bags, leaving your brother’s house. You thank him for everything he has done for you, and for all of the things that he will keep doing, holding you when you need it the most. But it’s time to start a new chapter of your life, after weeks of mourning the loss of something that was never really yours. 

Moving to a new place, in a new city just thirty minutes away from your family - not too far, but not too close to constantly remind you of your past, you prepare yourself for the new life you will have from now on.

Now, the rain doesn’t show up as much as it used to. Now, the sun comes out for longer, illuminating your desk at your new work, invading the curtains of your new house, playing with your features as it illuminates your eyes, shining in your hair, emphasizing the way your bump grows through the weeks. 

The changes are fast, your body preparing itself to all your baby’s needs. Excitement grows by the day, erupting through you the more you find out about your little savior. 

It’s a girl, you just recently found out, and her name just immediately resonated inside of your mind, of your chest: Hope. The one who came to your life to show you the light, to save you, to guide you through a different path, to mend your heart and shush away all your pain.

Even if there are days that feel as unreachable and lonely as the stars that hang tall on the dark sky of the night, making you sense that you are living only on a few mortal verses of your life, through the pages of the book on your lap, there’s always a calming, warm hand that travels through your baby bump, helping to ground yourself, to let you know that you are not alone, and you won’t even have to feel like you are anymore - you found yourself a life partner, one that will forever be by your side.

Now, you keep yourself busy by buying lots of pink and purple clothes, decorating your little girl’s nursery with soft tones, ones that symbolize peace and quiet, hope and renovation - the sensations she brings into your life. 

You created a photo album for little Hope, one that already has all the ultrasound pictures inside, the beginning of your princess’ life being something so important for you to keep safe inside the pages of the album already. 

Most of your clothes stopped fitting you already, reaching your fifth month of pregnancy. The dresses got looser, your bump developing in the most gracious way you have ever witnessed, like a baby bird, safely nestling itself on its mother’s wing. 

The kaleidoscope of butterflies that erupted through your entire being on the moment you first felt your girl moving inside of you, is indescribable. The proof that every day, you are one day closer to meeting your baby girl, now, finally becomes even more real as your fingers gently touch your belly to meet her soft kicks, meeting your soulmate even before she arrives in this world. 

Now, your smile appears more often on your lips, picking up some flowers from your garden as the sun warms your skin. Even if you don’t have an excuse for most of the goodbyes you had to say when you left your old house, the newfound feeling of peace and love growing inside of you by the second, make everything worth it. It’s just you and your baby girl, your parents and your brother that come and visit you often, and the expectation of a bright future.

Everything truly felt like a dream, until that fateful morning when you woke up with the sound of thunder hitting. It’s been a while since you’ve heard the sound that could make your insides shake with fear, making your heart race in your chest as you were startled by the storm. 

You have been feeling off the entire day, your body was sore, you felt light headed and weak, almost on the verge of passing out if you allowed your knees to collapse. For hours, you felt absolutely exhausted, even if you had just gotten out of bed after sleeping for an entire night. Your stomach felt weird, making you lose all your appetite, even if you would try and force some food inside your body, thinking about your little Hope’s well-being.

Throughout the day, some cramps occupy your lower stomach, igniting a sense of insecurity in your brain. The pain grows more intense as the time goes by, mixing your senses with the dizziness surrounding your head. You try not to think much about it, imagining it can be just a bad day, lack of rest or just something that you ate that wasn’t good for you. But the spots of blood on your pyjama shorts are what caught your attention.

Panic immediately washes over you, sensing now that something might be really wrong, and your reflex kicks in, dialing 911 to get yourself an ambulance, not wanting to wait any longer, before something terrible happens. 

It all happened so fast, it felt like a blur to you, from the moment the paramedics got to your house, to the emptiness inside of you while lying on the hospital bed: surrounded by nurses, IV tubes, different machines connected to your body, you slowly open your eyes, feeling like you have just been sedated. 

Once you regain your consciousness, your hand reaches for one of the nurses’ arms. 

- Is my baby okay? What happened? Someone talk to me, please I need to know what happened. - you plead, only to be met with a sympathetic look on the nurse’s face.  - The doctor will be here soon to talk to you, ma’am, please just try to remain calm. - the lady holds your hand for some seconds before leaving your side. 

You’re in panic, your heart feels heavy and accelerated in your chest, trying to understand what happened, why no one is telling you anything, so your hand reaches for your source of love and comfort: your baby.

Your fingers gently caress your bump, grazing along your skin as you decide to touch your favorite spot, the one where your baby always touches back, meeting you through the barrier of your skin. After some attempts of touching the same place, your heart drops when you realize that your baby isn’t touching back, and you definitely don’t feel her moving in your belly anymore. And, as much as you try to keep calm, convincing yourself that maybe it’s just the effect of all the medication they are giving you, your maternal instinct can’t stop ringing inside of you, letting you know that something is definitely not right. 

There’s not a single detail about the doctor’s face that helps calming you down one bit, once he enters the room. The man has a closed facial expression, looking as if he has been thinking about what he has to tell you. And, deep down, you already knew. 

He takes a stool, using it to sit next to your bed, so he could be eye level with you. There’s a sigh escaping his body, a heavy one, one that doesn’t bring good news attached to it.

- How are you feeling, Y/N? - he asks, briefly checking your vitals on one of the screens beside you. 

You know he is trying to make small talk, trying to find a way to initiate the conversation, until he has the guts to touch the topic he is currently avoiding. 

- Doctor, I just want to know how my daughter is doing. Please, I have the right to know what’s going on. I need to know. - your voice is cracking already, some small tears are making their appearance on the corners of your eyes. Your heart already knows, you can’t keep denying it. At this point, you’re just begging for someone to burst the bubble for you.  - Y/N… There were some unexpected complications, and we did everything we could, but unfortunately we weren’t able to save her… I’m very sorry for your loss. - his words come off slowly, weighted while showing you an understanding look, breaking down the news of a reality that you don’t want to face.

Soon enough, your body is met with an empty, cold room again, the deafening silence filling your veins as you cry out every emotion in your being to the point of exhaustion. Your baby girl is gone. The light of your life, the company that would never leave your side, the reason why the sky would be filled with such bright, beautiful colors at the end of every day. 

What if you die with all of the colours? In the same way that the sky turns black after the sunset, following the clouds that dress the dark blue, turning it into a painful shade of dark grey, reaching black while the moon stands tall in the atmosphere, only to hide behind one of the clouds. In this moment, your life has lost all meaning, all color surrounding your days. After this, what’s the reason to keep going? 

After Hope, the flood in your eyes, pouring from your heart, is everything you have left. Now, you won’t get to see the color of her eyes once you would finally cradle her in your arms, you won’t get to smell her hair, to touch her small, soft hands. Right now, the only thing you have left of her are the thoughts and dreams of all the nights when you imagined what she would look like. But that's just a dream that won't come true anymore.

Even while being in your belly, your daughter was able to hold you, to put together all your missing pieces. She gave you the sleep and all the dreams you needed to survive, every time her small fingers touched yours through your bump, hugging you the way she could. 

Maybe that was the purpose of her short passage through this dimension of life: to teach you more about the purest love that lives inside of us, and not on anyone else. But right now, the only thing you can do is cry and scream, question God and life, wanting to know why this is happening to you. Why did they have to take your baby girl away from you? 

You were never a fan of storms, until you felt the thunder hitting inside of you, wrecking you apart, ripping you to shreds, destroying every good thing that was left of you. And as the rain outside grows heavier, your heart can’t help but see them as the tears of your little one. The drops falling outside, hitting your window, are the tears of the ones who left already, missing their loved ones who stayed in this world - that are missing them in the same way, especially the ones who left way too soon, like your little princess. 

He doesn’t really know why, but ever since that rainy afternoon when you ran away from his house with a tear-stained face, Lewis was left with a heavy heart, like the echo of thunder - one that hasn’t left him for the past five months, constantly pumping inside of his chest, not giving him any rest.

He regrets what he did to you, he truly does. There’s not a day that goes by where he doesn’t think about you, and there’s nothing more that he wants than to talk to you, look into your eyes again, letting you know how sorry he is: for the woman who left his bed, for making love the way he saved for you inside his head. 

Lewis still dreams about you, every single night. And since you are no longer next to him, all he wants to do lately is lay down, so his mind can bring you closer to him again, making it seem like all his mistakes have been erased, holding your figure in his arms gently like he used to love so much. 

But, every night, he ends up being tortured by his own mind, his guilty conscience not letting him rest while he replays every single thing that happened on the last day he saw you. Every time he washes his body, he thinks about the way his limbs were entangled with another woman’s, in between the same bed he used to love you in. Looking back now, it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth losing you, over some stupid one night fantasy, trading the love of a lifetime for someone who he never wants to see again, after his mind captured the heartbreak in your eyes. 

When he lies in his bed, his mind wishes your scent would still be in his sheets, calming down his racing heart to sleep. And it could be, having him not decided to bring another woman over - losing every bit of your existence that still lingered in his place.

His heart shrinks in his chest every time he remembers every detail of your skin, the precious features he used to hold safely in his hands while his lips would shower you with love. It’s you: the one for him, the missing piece in his heart, the half of his being that seems to disappear and never come back again. Your silence destroys him, and even while being blocked on your phone, he still insists on dialing your number every morning, almost falling in love with your voicemail message that seems to never abandon him, repeating your voice over and over again, even when his mind threatens to forget about it. 

Deep down, he knows he lost you - for good. But, for some reason, inside his mind, it’s like you just said ‘be right back!’, like you would tell him across the living room, when you would go out to do some grocery shopping. 

And even if he knows that he lost you, and that you don’t even want to look at his face again after everything he did, his heart can’t help but force him to wait, patiently looking at the dry flowers that you used to water before you left, that ended up dying, like all the love you held for him - waiting for you to open the door again, flashing him your bright smile at the sight of the love of your life lying in bed, waiting to cuddle you, so the love between your bodies can blossom again, the house can feel as bright as before, the flowers can come back to life. 

It hurts him to realize that you said goodbye, even after not really being here. Not talking to him, not wanting to hear everything that he has to say to you after you caught him in the most shameful moment of his life. And just like a fallen fighter, lying on the ring, waiting for the empty room, Lewis still waits for your love, even if that’s the last thing he will do with his life. 

There’s still some loose notes that he found around his place, love notes that you used to write him before you left for work, so your boyfriend could wake up to some loving messages from you - that and that he makes sure to keep reading on a daily basis now, to remember how much you used to love him, and how he managed to lose the most precious thing that has ever appeared in his life. 

I have the name of a flower when you call me. But, when you touch me, I don't even know if I'm water, a girl or an entire field of flowers that has crossed through me. - another letter reads, making tears tingle in the man’s brown eyes as his soul feels emptier by the day, when you’re not by his side. 

It’s hard for Lewis to pull through every hour of every day, knowing that you’re not in his life anymore, the reason why his heart would beat faster, making everything seem so dull without your giggles as the soundtrack of every moment you two would share. 

But nothing could prepare Lewis for the instant he ran into your mother. It was supposed to be just a normal, quick trip to the nearest pharmacy, so he could buy some vitamins, feeling a cold starting to get to him. 

His eyes darted through the space while he waited for someone to call his number in line. And that’s when his eyes landed on your mum, the nice, sweet lady that always accepted him in her family, as if he was her own son. 

Her hands are full with different boxes of pills, and his eyebrows furrow - could she be sick? Her face doesn’t make it seem like the lady is sick, but instead, she looks rather down, and he can’t help but notice how she’s all dressed in black, almost as if she was mourning the loss of someone. 

His heart can’t help but hurt at the thought of something happening to you, but he doesn’t feel the courage in himself to reach for the woman, to try and ask what happened, not after all the damage that he caused his daughter. 

Even if he tries not to stare too much at her, your mother recognizes him when she’s getting ready to leave the pharmacy, and she’s the one approaching Lewis. He can’t help but feel himself growing afraid of what your mother is about to tell him, this being the first time he gets the chance to talk to someone from your family, after everything that happened. But, somehow, the woman’s sad eyes let him know that she’s not reaching out to berate him.

- Hi Lewis… I don’t mean to bother you, but there’s something that I think you should know. - your mum’s tone is serious, alongside her closed facial expression, and that’s enough to startle your ex-boyfriend even more, growing worried that something actually might have happened to you. 

Walking outside the pharmacy into a secluded corner of the parking lot - trying to escape the heavy rain that insists on falling from the sky, Lewis keeps noticing how your mum’s breathing sounds heavy, like she is carrying all the weight of the world on her shoulders, and his anxiety just continues growing in anticipation. 

- Is everything alright, Carol? - Lewis asks, trying not to pressure the woman to talk, but feeling his nerves boiling with concern. 

His ex-mother-in-law takes a deep sigh, looking him in the eyes. 

- You were an absolute prick for what you’ve done to Y/N, everybody knows that. But still, I think you have the right to know, since you were the father… - your mum speaks softly, but still with some bitterness evident in her tongue.

Lewis’ face immediately scrunched at the word ‘father’. He was the what? 

- Excuse me, what? - he can’t help but interrupt your mother’s train of thought, not understanding what she’s trying to tell him right now.

The thing is, your mother knew that Lewis’ didn’t know about the loss, but she thought he knew that you were pregnant. But no, he didn’t. He didn’t know anything. And it takes a second for her to realize it, but once she does, a deeper sigh escapes her lips. 

- Y/N was pregnant, Lewis… when all of that happened between you two… She was already carrying your child, she found out when she was six weeks pregnant. I thought she had told you. - the woman briefly explained, making Lewis’ eyes widen, his mouth hanging open, at a complete loss for words at what he is finding out, now. 

No, you didn’t tell him, and now he understands why. That morning, when you showed up at his place, you were going to tell him. But you ended up not doing it, due to the miserable picture that you met once the door opened. 

Lewis forcefully closes his eyes, wishing things could go back to normal once he opens them again, but they can’t. There’s a whirlwind of new information swirling around his brain, and he is struggling to keep up, to let it sink in, but he feels like all the air just got ripped out of his lungs. However, there’s still more to come. 

- No, I didn’t know, unfortunately. But, you said she ‘was’...? - These last words leave his mouth slowly, a whisper that he is scared to unravel if he speaks louder, not wanting to come to terms with a harsher reality. 

Carol just nods her head ‘yes’, visibly growing emotional as Lewis feels his entire world collapsing around him, now. 

- There were some unexpected complications… Y/N rushed to the hospital, she said she was in a lot of pain, the doctors admitted her immediately… But unfortunately, they couldn’t save the baby. Her name was Hope. Your daughter, my granddaughter. - your mum is now fully crying as the pain still feels fresh on her skin. The woman covers her eyes with her hands momentarily, while Lewis is just looking around in pure shock, feeling some tears showing up on his eyes as well. 

He feels a part of himself dying as well, just by knowing that he was going to be a dad, a girl dad, his biggest dream ever. The love of his life was expecting his baby, and not only was he dumb enough to waste everything you two had, but he also wasn’t by your side while you were going through the worst moment, the greatest loss of your entire life. 

And for some seconds, your mum and Lewis just silently share the tears escaping their eyes, the man not really knowing what to say after this bomb that just dropped in his chest. 

- Was there someone else with her? - he finally speaks up, not knowing if you decided to restart your life with someone else, or if your family was by your side through this hard time.  - She only told us about it once she left the hospital… We went to visit her after, but unfortunately she was there all alone when all that was happening, oh my poor baby girl. - the woman’s cries are the ones of a mother who couldn’t protect her daughter, be there for her when she needed it the most… just like the sobs leaving your body every night, because you were not able to save your princess. - But believe me, Lewis: that baby was a little fighter. Just like her mum. 

His hands rub his face, a sigh escaping his figure now as well, not really wanting to believe that all of this is real. 

- And how is she? -  Lewis asks, thinking about your state, how you must be feeling terribly, how badly you must need someone to be by your side, and how desperately he feels the need to reach for you, to mourn the loss of the angel that was half of you and half of him. - These are for her. - your mum shows him the meds she just bought. - Physically, she is still recovering, but emotionally, she is absolutely destroyed, Lewis. I am afraid that I lost my little girl forever, as well. She will never be the same again. - your mother can’t help but share a hug with Lewis, the man who loved you, who made your sparkle shine for so long, the one everyone thought would be your ‘forever’. And also the one who lost you as well, without any chance of getting you back.  - Anyway, my son will be visiting her tomorrow, so he can bring her this medication, and right now, the only thing we can do is give her time. It will take her a long while to recover from all this. - the woman says, wiping away her tears as she tries to compose herself. 

At her words, Lewis’ brain lights up with an idea. 

- Can I come with him? Please, I need to see her. I need to see her more than ever now. - he pleads, seeing the way your mum’s face closes again, her features so similar to yours, definitely not thinking it’s a good idea. - Please, Carol. You said it earlier, I have the right to know, I have the right to talk to her, at least one more time. It was my baby as well, and I didn’t even know anything about her! -  Lewis insists, trying to get the woman to give in to his begging.  - Well, we all know why you didn’t know a thing about your daughter, Lewis. - the words hit him like a ton of bricks, making him go silent for a minute, knowing that she is right. He didn’t know anything about his child, because he made the dumbest, worst mistake of his entire life. 

But, if there’s something that Lewis might be thankful for, is the soft spot in your mum’s heart for him. Deep down, she just wished everything could go back to normal, to the way things were before, so she could look into her daughter’s eyes and see the sunshine on them again, instead of having to deal with the pain of seeing you so miserable. Your mother doesn’t know how you are going to react to the sight of Lewis being in front of you again, but she can only hope that maybe it might help you in some way, softening your broken heart, as you share the pain of losing something so dear to both of you, that you never got to meet. So, sighing, she gives in. 

- Okay, maybe you can go with Simon. But if you mess this up one more time, I’m never looking at your face ever again, Lewis. You need to keep in mind that this is partially your fault, as well. You can’t just meet her and think that you will win my daughter over again, because that won’t happen. I’m warning you. - the woman says to him, before finally entering her car and driving away. 

Lewis walks inside his car as well, taking a deep breath as he leans his head on his seat. Finally, the tears fall free from his eyes as he allows himself to feel everything in his bones. Every information, every mental image of you pregnant, suffering alone, losing your baby.

And he wasn’t there. And he didn’t know about it. He wasn’t there to go with you to your doctor appointments, to hear his daughter’s heartbeat, to caress your belly, to rub your feet once they started swelling, to hold your hair back when your morning sickness got the best of you. He was the father of that baby. He should have been there all along, by your side. And he didn’t, because of one dumb, unreasonable decision that he randomly made on one night, just because he was feeling bored to spend the night alone. 

Now, everything makes sense. Your hand in your belly once he saw you at his door, the regret, pain, splattered all over your eyes as you took in the scene unfolding inside his house, the definition of another woman’s touch on his body. 

He feels sick to his stomach, grossed out by himself, not bearing to be inside his own body right now. The man punches the steering wheel one time after the other, sobs and screams leaving his frame as he feels an inexplicable anger growing inside of him. But he is not angry at you - he could never be. He is angry at himself, at his actions. 

What if he had chosen to run after you, on that rainy afternoon? What if he had decided to follow his gut, that was telling him to meet you, to not let you go. Maybe things would be different - or not. At least, maybe you could have told him about the pregnancy, maybe he could have been a bit more involved in your baby’s small existence. 

But instead, he decided to leave you alone, not wanting to put salt in your wounds even further. Little did he know that he was just starting a storm inside of you, leaving you to deal with the consequences of it all by yourself. 

The raindrops are loud when they hit his car windows, almost as if they’re trying to muffle the loud cries escaping the man’s body, so the world couldn’t hear how destroyed he is right now. 

When you needed him the most, he didn’t show up. He didn’t feel any urgency in coming to your place after promising you the future and ripping every shred of hope out of your soul, playing with your feelings, stringing you along and masking it as if it was nothing, seeing the desperation in your features, the hurt painted in your eyes, so devastatingly that it could send bullets straight to his chest.

The only thing he gave you was the discouragement of a broken heart, of a lonely soul who lost everything it once had. But desire is the limit of the mere mortals, and wishing he could make it different right now, is the only thing he can do, but it won’t change a thing. He ruined the most important thing of his life, and above all, he lost the chance of growing the happiest of families by your side, ruining it so hard that he didn’t even get to meet his daughter. 

Your mother’s words echo through his mind. A little fighter, just like her mum, and he can’t stop thinking about how life has been so cruelly good to him lately: standing high on podiums, travelling through the world, succeeding in each task he would dedicate himself to. While you were suffering, in pain, crying, alone, bleeding for your baby, losing part of yourself in the process, while he had no clue about what was going on: his daughter, that would desperately need a father to hold her, to protect her, to lull her to sleep. One that never got to touch her mother’s belly to meet her small hand, to speak to her, to kiss her through the skin on the bump she comfortably used to lay. One that she didn't get to meet while she was still breathing. 

How could he dare to even feel an ounce of happiness in his body, even when his mind would feel heavy with the thought of you? While you were yelling out of desperation, the sound almost reverberated in his lungs, making him feel like something wasn’t right. While you were trembling out of agony, feeling yourself dying in seconds on that fateful day. Only to be heard, comforted by strangers. When he should have been there, he should have been better to you.

And on that night, Lewis can’t even fall asleep. Tears keep falling free from his eyes as it almost feels as if he can hear the sounds of your screams echoing through the walls of his house, in the same way they reflect all the tears that escaped your eyes on the last days that you’ve been to his place.

His house feels haunted, by the thoughts of everything that you had to go through alone, and by the idea of him being father of a soul that briefly passed through this earth, but that he didn’t get the chance to meet.

His daughter, Hope. What a beautiful name you chose for her, Lewis couldn’t have chosen a better one. His mind rushes to put your features together, so he could maybe try and imagine what his princess would look like, if she has had a chance to breathe in the scent of all the flowers in this land and feel the rays of sunshine hitting her soft baby skin.

After the storm, lightning stops radiating through the skies, only reverberating inside of you, after taking your baby away from you. Every time it rains, you picture your baby’s cries, how you could nestle her on your chest, kiss her forehead softly and calm her down. And when the rain stops, the calm that remains is more of a void than a relief. 

Three weeks have passed by since your baby girl’s heart stopped beating. Three weeks of immeasurable pain, missing her, her touches, her company so, so much. Right now, you have nothing to hold on to. So you just force yourself to stay until late at your office, glued to your laptop screen, filling all your hours with work, so you can forget about everything else, so your mind doesn’t have enough time to think about anything else. 

Everyone else around you would say that you have been acting like a robot, lately. Living on autopilot, burying yourself in work duties, getting little sleep, eating late at night inside of your car - in the rare moments that you remember that you need to eat.

It’s not as if you don’t want to eat nor rest. That just doesn’t seem to be a crucial part of what surviving means to you, lately. Life took away from you the most beautiful things you once had. Your relationship, that used to feel like a dream. Your baby, that came to you to save you, to be in your arms and glue all your broken pieces together. Now, you are left with nothing.

The only reason why you keep pushing through the days, is because you need to. In your mind, you are the common factor to both losses you suffered in the past months, so maybe you are the problem. Maybe you aren’t good enough to keep anyone by your side for long enough. 

Maybe you did something so wrong that Lewis just grew tired of you, wanting a break from you and everything you represented in his life. And maybe that’s why your baby couldn’t stick around until her time came to meet this world, to meet you: her mother, who carried her alone until her last breath. 

Not a day goes by where your eyes won’t shed some silent tears, but ever since you lost the light of your life, you feel so lifeless, that it’s like you can’t even feel a thing inside of you anymore, just letting the tears fall free while barely feeling them on your skin.

You feel like your baby can be watching you from above, like the little angel she is. Maybe that’s why you haven’t given up on life yet. Hope can definitely see how bereft you are, noticing that you haven’t been doing too well. This is not the mummy she knew and loved. The mummy she met was healing, thanks to her. It had a lighter heart to her, and was on the way to find the peace of mind that she so desperately deserved and wanted. Mummy smiled more, especially when Hope would stretch her tiny hand to talk to mummy. 

But that’s not who you are, anymore. Once again, you are left with desperation, with your broken, empty heart to hold, to try and mend. But you’re not mending it anymore. You just keep living because you deserve to suffer, you deserve to take all the punishments from not being able to save your daughter, to be there for her when she needed you the most. Your body failed her, and that’s why she’s no longer here.

If you are telling the truth, you hate that you are here again: in this dark place, in the middle of a void that doesn’t allow you to breathe, living through the struggle of just wanting to cave, never wanting to fight, dying inside. Of being lonely all the time. You should say sorry to the friends you’ve lost due to your isolation, to your family, from pushing them away most of the time. 

You regret a lot of things and you owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people, but mostly: you are sorry to yourself. This was never your intention, this isn’t how you wished your life would go. And you could promise you will get help and actively start trying to live. But that would be an empty promise. And you just truly are sorry that you lost yourself for good, this time. You wish you could fall into a deep sleep, begging for someone only to wake you up once all of this is over and the old you has reappeared. But for your old version to show up, you needed to have your baby girl in your arms. There’s no way you can be yourself without Hope close to you. 

You need time, of course you do. But that won’t bring you back. With time, the rivers and the hills will come closer. And with time, the thing that will start eating out of your hand and nest in your bed, is just one: silence.

In the afternoon, Lewis feels the anxiety running through his body as he gets ready to hop in the car with your brother, Simon - another person he hasn’t seen since you two had broken up.

The car ride is filled with an uncomfortable silence between the two men, neither of them speaking much besides the time when your brother told Lewis how you decided to move to this small town, around thirty minutes away from your parents house. 

Apart from that, they don’t really quite know what to say to the other. Your ex-boyfriend notices how Simon is also dressed in black, just like your mum was, and he looks down at himself, noticing how he unconsciously chose a pair of black jeans and a dark grey sweater, feeling like he lost someone important to him as well, even if most people don’t think he has the right to feel this way.

Lewis can feel this tension growing in between them, feeling in his bones how your brother is resenting every single thing that your ex-boyfriend did to you, realizing how hard it must be for Simon to sit beside him again, especially while driving him to meet you. 

If he was being honest, your brother was against this idea of Lewis knowing where you live right now, of him going there to interrupt your moment, thinking he can even feel half of all the pain that you have been through lately, most of it being caused by him and his selfish, self-centered attitudes. 

Knowing you like the back of his hand, your brother is sure that you won’t enjoy Lewis’ visit. But maybe, just by looking deep into your eyes and seeing the way you will reject him, will make the man finally back down, giving up on bothering you even further, on finally leaving you to try and recover. 

When Simon finally stops the car, Lewis’ heart races in his chest, making him feel so small and insignificant when compared to the importance of this moment right here, right now. Leaving the car, he follows your brother, who walks inside a dark green gate, leading to a small garden in front of a house. 

Unlike every other day, today isn’t raining. The light grey clouds are still standing high in the sky, but there’s a glimpse of sun in the horizon, one that gently lights up the day. Lewis finds your silhouette, sitting on a bench, your eyes fixed on the timid sun rays that seem to entice your gaze. 

Your brother is the one taking the first step, walking to the front of you, so your eyes can meet the guy who never left your side through it all. You slowly get up, wrapping your arms around Simon’s body gently in a warm hug, the only source of comfort that you allow yourself to feel from time to time. 

Simon is looking back at Lewis, and you follow his eyes, turning around to feel your world squeezing your body, tightening around you to the point it hurts to breathe, with the unwanted presence of the man who threw the first rock that made your glass start to shatter, until it completely broke down. 

Lewis is completely silent and frozen in place, like his mind has forgotten all about words and movements. He can’t believe his eyes. The first sight of the love of his life, after five months of not seeing each other, is brutal. You are all dressed in black, looking thinner than the last time he saw you. Your hair is longer now, and you use it to cover most of your features, but the dark bags under your eyes are still evident. 

In a silent exchange of glances, neither of you dares to say a thing, until Lewis finally feels the strength in his legs to slowly walk over to you. His steps are heavy, contrasting with the way his knees feel like they could buckle at any second. And when he gets as close as he physically can to you, his eyes meet yours again. 

The eyes that once held all the hopes and dreams of a life by his side, that would shine in the moonlight, while lying next to him in between the sheets of his bed, the ones who used to mirror all the love stringing along both of your bodies. They are, now, as empty as a dark, abandoned street, whose most hidden corner can’t even be recognized at night. The eyes that he once knew how to read as if they were his favorite book, are now the ones who scare him, the void inside of your soul visible through the gate that your gaze allows. 

Lewis’ own eyes are flooded with tears now, not even caring about wiping away the tears that fall down his cheeks. His trembling hand is slowly reaching for your face, gently putting some strands of hair away from your features, so he can see you in your plenitude: the emotionless expression, the dark eyes that seem lifeless. When his fingers start caressing your cheek lovingly, his breathing gets caught in his throat, noticing how cold your body feels against his touch. 

- It’s me, Y/N… I’m here, love. I know it took me a long while, but I’m here now. - he cries, only to be met with silence from your side. 

You don’t mind replying to him, not feeling an ounce of any feeling or sensation through your body. You don’t hold any grudges, any remorse. You’re not angry nor sad at him anymore. To tell the truth, you don’t feel any kind of emotion towards Lewis anymore. The only feeling that you allow to inhibit inside of you, is the pain and guilt of losing your baby, of not being able to protect her, as you were supposed to. And that’s the only thing that makes you feel angry at yourself: the heaviest weight that you will carry forever on your shoulders. 

So you just stay silent, even if the man in front of you is begging you to say something. There’s nothing to say, there’s nothing to do after every event that took place in your life for the past five months. Instead of speaking, your eyes just try to look through him, inside the soul who you once thought to be yours, but that, in reality, it always belonged to the world, and never to only you.

Lewis’ eyes dart from your face to your belly, and his hand yearns to land a small touch on it, as if he will get to feel the heartbeat, the movements of his daughter that he didn’t get to meet while he could. However, the man prevents himself from doing it, trying for a second to imagine the indescribable amount of pain that gesture would bring you. 

Breaking down in front of you, the man crumbles, wrapping his arms around you tightly, bringing you close as his head rests on the crook of your neck, sobbing into your frame. This used to be his favorite place in the whole world: your neck, your chest, where he would search for your warmth, where he used to lay his head to drift off to the most peaceful of all sleeps when he desperately needed a rest, one that would allow him to switch off all the worries inside of his brain. That’s the power you used to have on him. 

And now, he can’t even feel the softness of your skin anymore, being met with the barrier of the black turtleneck you’re wearing, feeling like a wall made of stone, preventing him, and the rest of the world, from getting access to you again.

Underneath the fabric of your shirt, he knows what he would find: the sharpness of your bones, the coldness of your fragile body that has been through so much, instead of the enticing scent of yours, the collarbone lines that were once soft under his lips. 

Still, he holds you as close as he possibly can, almost trying to glue all your pieces back together, but he doesn’t feel your arms wrapping around his body at any moment. 

You are staying still, your arms on the sides of your body, limp, without a reaction. You don’t reciprocate his touch one bit, not feeling like you should try to console someone who simply decided to leave your life. But still, you allow him to find his home in you again, even if it’s just for a brief moment, while his face is ducked in the crook of your neck, hiding from his actions, from the world outside of this moment. 

Your eyes are staring at the emptiness of the air, noticing how numb you feel as you hear the man’s loud sobs and cries, feeling how his arms are desperately touching your figure, scared that you might run away again if he lets go of you, scared that he might drown in his sorrow if you don’t hold him up. But his pain doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. It’s not yours to deal with anymore. He wasn’t there for you when the most painful tears were staining your crimson cheeks, when your throat hurt from screaming so loud when you lost your baby, when you bled for days, only to deal with your destruction by yourself. 

And after giving him the bit of home that he can still find in yourself for a moment - even if you feel like you have nothing else inside of you to give, you finally take a step back, leaving his hold, his touch. 

Lewis is left clutching the air, his breathing ragged, a shocked expression on his face. Desperation fills the man’s body, destruction coming along with it because this wasn’t just a step back from his hold, and he knows it. He knows how badly he fucked up, he knows the pain he caused to your life. You’re no longer his, and he knows what that step back from him actually means: for as long as you’re breathing, you will never be his again. 

- I know you were going to tell me about the pregnancy, and we both know why you ended up not doing it. But baby, you should have come to me either way, after everything that happened. I should have been there for you, it was my responsibility to be there for you, my love. - Lewis’ face is stained with tears as he tries to reason with you, feeling a heartache so strong inside of him that could kill him right then and there. 

His voice is gentle, even if he’s hurt. Your presence is making him feel so guilty that he tries to use the loving pet names to make you soften up a bit more for him, reminding you of what you two once had, hoping it could help ease the heavy weight on his shoulders, alongside the agonizing pain in his chest.

But again, his tears and begs don’t make you feel anything. 

- It was my loss, so it is mine alone to deal with. - you say, your tone hoarse and cold. The first time he hears your voice again, after so long, without it being through your voicemail message. And your words sting, hard, in his heart.  - It wasn’t only your loss, Y/N… I was the father of that little girl. I had the right to know, to hear her heartbeat, to see the ultrasounds, to dream about a life with her in my arms, just like you did. - the salty tears don’t stop falling from Lewis’ eyes, feeling completely wrecked by the moment, by your harsh words. 

For a moment, you look down at your hands, fidgeting with your own fingers while biting your tongue, finding no point in arguing, in letting him know all the harm he caused you. He’s not stupid, he knows all about that. Your gaze travels through your ring finger, that still has the tan line of that damn promise ring he gave you, one that you wore for so many years - and a bitter chuckle escapes your lips, remembering all the empty promises he made, but never kept. 

- She stopped being your daughter the exact moment I went to your place to let you know I was expecting, only to find you lost in another woman’s arms. Mind you, not just any woman, but my childhood best friend. All of that because you needed time away from me, right? Because you needed a break. - your words are sharp as a knife, and you nod your head at his silence now. - Exactly, Lewis. You were never her father, you didn’t deserve to know anything about my daughter. And I’m devastated that I lost her, it’s a pain that will never stop haunting me, but if I’m being honest, I’m so glad I never had a baby with you. 

It’s like the entire world collapses around Lewis, his heart feeling like it’s being punched over and over again by you, collecting every consequence of his actions, drinking the tears that never stopped spilling from his eyes since the moment he saw you. 

Turning your back to him, you grab your coat from the bench. 

- Tell mom and dad I love them. - you ask your brother, hugging him one last time before entering your car. 

Lewis is left a sobbing mess, his body almost giving in as he is the one sitting on the bench now, hiding his face in his hands as he lets out all the sorrow spill from his body, through the endless tears escaping him. 

This is it, for him. It’s the end of a dream that he prayed so hard to get back, but that slipped through his fingers, on his own will - he destroyed his own world. And right now, it doesn’t matter how he might scream loud and feral, pouring out his rawest emotions, how badly he might sob, missing you to death. He doesn’t do it for you anymore. And even if, deep down, you still love him, it doesn’t really matter anymore, because the two of you will never be in the same room again.

Your name slips from his lips a countless amount of times, whispering it as if it could bring you back, asking God why?, only to be met with the silence surrounding him, matching how silent you went when he hugged you, not feeling magnetized to him anymore - that silence that could be heard from afar, sounding louder than all the heartbreaking screams you let out on the day you lost your little light. 

Now, the sun won’t shine as bright as it used to before, for him. The flowers won’t have such beautiful colors, the earth won’t move so graciously. If the power of the understanding between two souls doesn't change the world, definitely no part of the world is exactly the same after two souls understand each other. And how badly does he miss the times you would understand the other so easily, so effortlessly, firmly believing you were made for each other.

After this, nothing will be able to mend Lewis again. He is paying for everything he has done to the love of his life, and no trophy or podium could ever replace the dark void that lives in his heart, now. No sun can erase what has already collapsed inside of him.

Driving away, you let out the deepest breath, your hands tightening around the steering wheel until your knuckles are turning white. The rage inside of you right now is enough to start a storm, to make the most scary of all thunders to erupt through the skies, but looking at your passenger seat, you remind yourself that you have more important things to do, now. 

Today marks the third week that you’ve lost your baby. In the morning, you went to the florist, buying a bouquet of pink carnations - the lady letting you know that they represent a love, or someone, that will never be forgotten. 

And now, as the sun starts getting ready to set on the horizon, you drive to the river near your house, the safe place you used to go when your morning sickness would get the best of you, when you feel lonely most of times, having no one by your side and finding some comfort in the birds flying around you, in the flowers blooming alongside the way. It’s a newfound tradition that you make sure to do every week, on the exact same day, living through the days in autopilot, until the day arrives. 

Near the river, the wind is cold but soft, gently pushing the hair from your face, drying all the tears from your face. Sitting on a bench near the water, your shadow is hugged by a tall tree that protects you from the rain, in case it decides to fall. 

This is your place now, your refuge. Where you come to cry, to speak to your daughter, knowing that she loved the time you two have spent here. The hours pass by fast when you’re paying attention to the warm, gentle, bright colors that invade the sky as the sun sets in front of you, while noticing the movement of the tide, how the water reflects the nature embracing you. 

You could forget to eat, to sleep, or to do some house chore. But you could never, ever, forget about the date you lost your baby, never forgetting to stop by the lovely florist that already has a new bouquet ready for you every week, never not sitting by the river at the end of the day.

It seems like this safe spot hugs your heart, caresses your broken soul, speaks to you in ways no one ever did. It’s like your little Hope lives here now, waiting for her mummy to come see her as she asks the skies to prepare the most beautiful sunset for your eyes to see. 

And as you throw the flowers into the water, you carefully see the way the tide hugs the petals away from you, slowly taking them out of your sight, just like life has taken away your baby girl from your hold. 

It’s a silent moment that speaks for your heart. It’s a hurtful I miss you, and I’m sorry I failed to protect you, I will always love you more than life, that you can’t seem to say verbally, just letting the tears fall down your cheeks as you see the seagulls flying in direction to the horizon, towards the light, searching for it, in the exact same way that you try to search for yours: for a light, a signal, a reason to keep going - even if she lives in the sky, now. 

[suireunie]

DONT WANNA BE A BEBE [LHS]

Summary: You and heeseung had an argument and you thought he lied about some important things in your relationship. You were mad and made him jealous.

Don't wanna be a bebe, you know i'm sick of lyin' ~

Word count : 2.3k

warnings: little bit angst, fluffy, smutty, pet names (bitch, good girl, my girl), non!idol heeseung, unistudent!heeseung, heeseung is 23 and yn is 20, dom!heeseung × sub!yn, rough sex, unprotected sex!(please don't), heeseung is jealous and mad, possessive heeseung, spank kink!, let me know if there's more warnings!

Mention for: Aespa- Karina, TXT- Yeonjun, Enhypen - Jay

Minors don't read!

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"I told you I'm not lying!"

" Heeseung, literally you said you were going your friend's house but you weren't!" Your heart is broken and he didn't help it with his replies.

"I forgot okay, I don't have to tell you all my shit!- " Your heart is fell, he never talk to you like this, he never. Your tears started to go through your eyes.

"Okay... sorry" You went to your bedroom and started to crying. He didn't came back to you and you were alone in your room. Alone and sad. You just wanted truth but he didn't told you about his movements. You were sensitive about honesty and he knew this. Even though he did.

When you woke up, it was eight in the morning. Normally you never wake up at this hour, but you had a headache because you cried so much last night. You were starting to think if you were making things too big, a part of you wanted to listen to him, you wanted him to be there for you, to hug you, but the other part was telling you that you were right. Because you told him from the very beginning that you were sensitive about the obvious lie, you just gave him the truth and he didn't give it to you. He had been distancing himself from you lately, you couldn't even remember the last time he had touched you, which was pushing you towards that unwanted thought: being cheated on... But he wouldn't do it, would he? After all, you trust him and he loves you, right? That doubt inside you was eating you up. You wanted to get some fresh air and clear your head. You grabbed your jacket and bag and left the house, you started walking while listening to music on your headphones. This was your therapy, whenever you felt stuck, music would pick you up and make you feel better.

Heeseung felt guilty, he never meant to say that, he didn't mean to hurt you. He regretted his last sentence. That was why he hadn't come back to bed or come to her all night, he knew she would feel very shameless if he did. He had been busy with school lately, exams were overwhelming him and he needed a breather. He knew that if he told you, you would know him as much as you told him and support him, but he didn't. And he felt stupid for not doing it. You are the girlfriend that every man would want, lovely, supportive, beautiful... This morning, when he left the house, he pretended not to hear you leave. He knew you wanted to be alone for a while. And why would he stop you? He had no right to do so. He ruffled his hair and continued to be angry with himself.

2 days had passed and you hadn't spoken at all during those 2 days except for certain necessary situations. Today was your wife's party, she was one of your closest friends and even though you didn't want to, you had to go. While she was about to put on a light, normal dress, a devilish idea came to your mind. Why don't you show Heeseung what he's missing? You knew Heeseung would be going to this party with you and you decided to spice things up a bit. You took out your black dress from your closet, the dress Heeseung loved seeing on you the most. It ended at your thighs and had a nice cleavage. You got dressed and did a nice make-up, putting on your signature red lipstick. Heeseung was going to regret tonight. You were very nervous at the thought of it.

"Heeseung, im ready, we can go" Heeseung looked you up and down.He knew this dress and you looked so delicious.

"Ok, then " You left the house and got in the car. The tension between you was at a level that could be kept high throughout the drive. When you arrived at the party, you ran to Karina without waiting for him. The surroundings were very nice and well organized.

" Party is on fire! baby, you did great! " You hugged your friend tightly.

"Right? I tried really hard, not even sitting on my ass "You both laughed. Karina noticed the tension between you and Heeseung.

"What happened?"

"What?" Karina's eyes sparkled with mischief. " What happened between you two? He's fucking you with his eyes right now "

You explained the situation to him and he agreed with you. He had to respect your sensitivities. You told Karina your plan. And that bitch lived for chaos. "We're making this plan right now baby, let's have some drinks and fun!"

You laughed and let him drag you onto the dance floor. The smell of your drink and the smell of it make you feel beautiful. You shook your hips and danced to the rhythm. Heeseung’s eyes hadn’t left yours for even a second. You looked so hot in that dress and the way you were shaking those damn hips was turning him on. He squeezed his glass full of liquor, but Jay noticed his action.

"What's going on, bro?" He turned his head to Jay. "Yn, that's what's trying to make me mad." Icecejten butyj took a sip. "I messed up something and YN is trying to make me mad" Jay grins at him. "I guess it's working, and hey look around, they looking to YN from the group next to it " Heeseung He turned his head angrily and looked at the group. The anger inside him was boiling, he was jealous.

""He noticed you but it's not enough, we have to do something more, something to get his mind off it," Karina told you. You grinned at her, just then you heard a voice from behind you.

""Hey, YN isn't that right? This dress looks great on you." It was Yeonjun. He was one of the slutty, popular kids in school. He had tried to date you many times but you had rejected Yeonjun’s advances because you knew what the fuck he was. But now was your chance, you could use it for your little plan. You grinned at Yeonjun. “Yeah it’s me, Yn. And hey you don’t look bad either.” The two of you were talking and you made sure it was in a way that Heeseung could see. You could read the jealousy in his eyes and it gave you pleasure.

"Lets dance!" You started dancing with Yeonjun. His hands were roaming around your waist and you were giving him dirty looks. Heeseung was about to go crazy. He had to get you away from that son of a bitch. You turned your back to Yeonjun and lightly rubbed your hips. This move was the final straw for Heeseung. He quickly came to you and before you could even react he pulled you away from Yeonjun.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Your back hit the wall. Heeseung leaned his hand against the wall and leaned over you, anger and jealousy seeping from his eyes.

"just dancing, nothing-" Heeseung cut you off

"Dont give me that bullshit! Do you think I didn't see what you were doing with Yeonjun there? "

You crossed your arms and gave him a critical look. “Do you care? I don’t think so.” Heeseung leaned in closer to him. “I don’t care, do I? Don’t I know that little game you’re playing back there?” His free hand slowly moved up your thigh, you let out a small breath. And then he noticed it. He moved up a little higher and stopped just as he was about to touch your panties. "Are you excited little girl? What's that? Just now you were shaking those fucking hips so nicely there? "

He brought his face close to yours, his breath fanning over your lips, and he cupped your chest with his hand, lifting it up. His thumb brushed over your gloss-covered lips. "open your mouth" You opened your mouth and he put his finger in your mouth. You sucked it reflexively, rolling your tongue around it. "Good girl." He took his finger from your mouth and suddenly had you in one of the empty rooms. He closed the door behind you and locked it. Before you could react, his lips were on yours.

It wasn’t a slow kiss, not even a kiss. He was using his mouth for dominance over yours. He was sucking, biting, and chewing on your lips. He stuck his tongue into your mouth and connected it with yours, kissing you in a disgusting rhythm. Your breath was going crazy and your head was spinning from lack of air, but you still couldn't stop kissing him. You moved your hands to his hair and pulled gently. He moaned into the kiss and slid one hand down to your breasts. Heeseung always loved your breasts. They felt so soft and nice in his hands, filling his palms. You groaned and arched your back

"Heeseung please ~"

"Please what, use your words like a good girl"

"please touch me please please " You pushed yourself towards him. Heeseung frowned, his lips roaming all the way down to your pocket and down to your neck. He sucked and bit, leaving hickeys on your neck, his hand had entered your cleavage and was rubbing your nipples. he pinched you and you hissed, "youre mine, say it"

"I-im yours~" Your panties were soaked. The way he controlled you was magnificent and you had no choice but to obey him. He knew your entire body by heart, he knew your every move. He pulled you and pushed you onto the bed.

"Take off your clothes and stand on your hands and knees" He ordered, you immediately took off your dress and stood in doggy position. You were only wearing a pair of lace black panties. He came from behind you and opened your legs, letting the wetness on your panties in. "Bitch, so you wet that much, huh? I haven't even touched you yet but you're already leaking."

You whined against him, he moved his hand over your ass and spanked you all at once. You hissed in pain and pleasure. "You're mine, this ass, this pussy is mine, you belong to me. No one else can touch you, understand?" He whispered in your ear, his dirty words making you even wetter. One of his hands slid down your panties and started to rub you gently. The feeling was amazing and you couldn't help but moan.

""Please please I want your fingers inside me, please" You begged and he grinned, he loved seeing you like that. "Only good girls get what they want. You're not a good girl, you're a whore. "You pushed yourself more into his hand and whined, "Please, I'm a good girl, I promise, please."

He slid his hand inside your panties and tore them off abruptly, you shivered as the open air made contact with your pussy. He moved his hand over your pussy and started rubbing your clit.He spread her legs a little more, leaned over you, and started licking your pussy from top to bottom. His tongue was roaming your folds, driving you crazy. You couldn’t do anything but moan, his tongue moving expertly around you, touching exactly where you needed it. You heard the sound of his belt being removed behind you and turned your head towards him. “I’m gonna fuck you right here, the people here are gonna hear how good I fuck you, especially that yeonjun, he’s gonna go crazy to have this pussy. But this pussy is mine, only I can fuck it.”

His dirty words made you even wetter, you couldn't resist anymore, he moved the shaft of his cock between your pussy cheeks, he was leaking precum and he was so hard. He slowly pushed himself inside you. Even though he wanted to destroy you, he would never hurt you. He gave you time to get used to his size.

When you told him he could continue, he started ramming his cock into you at an animal speed. There was nothing in the room but the slaps of skin on skin, your moans and his purring.

"Heeseunnngg, ahhhg,-

You couldn’t even form a proper sentence, feeling like your brain had turned to mush. Heeseung placed his hand on your back and pushed you down harder into the bed, your cheek pressed against the pillow. The way he was slamming his hips into you was making you faint with pleasure. He was slamming into you at just the right angle.

"I'm- ah! I'm cominggg" You felt the cum building up inside you. Heeseung moved his hand to your clit and applied delicious pressure. His other hand squeezed one of your breasts and pinched your nipple. You came with a scream. The world went black for a few seconds but when you came back up you were completely exhausted. Heeseung always had a big dick and he knew how to use it.

"Are u okay my love? His voice was softer now, compared to his earlier grumpiness. He turned you over and pushed your hair that was stuck to your face aside. He kissed you on the forehead. "You did very well, my love." He took a napkin from the side and cleaned you up, laid you down on the bed and pulled you to his chest.

"I'm sorry for lying to you. I've been so stressed lately and wanted to escape from everything. I'm sorry baby " He caressed her hair and kissed her forehead in apology.

You looked at him, "You can tell me, you know I'm with you. Please don't lie to me."

"I know, I'm sorry. And...and that day I just drank and went to the beach. I swear I didn't do anything else. I know I lied to you about this, but please believe me. I would never cheat on you. You know I love you so much." His eyes were looking at you with a pleading look.

"I believe you but please don't lie to me again,"

"I promise I won't " He hugged you tightly.

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Hii!!! I'm suireun! I'm new here. I still don't know how to do some things, but I will learn! I am completely open to your comments, tell me and I can fix myself. I hope you liked it. My request box is open, you can request me a fic

Luv u all ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

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[cupsy-daisy]

“Holy crap! Johnathan sims!?”

Got really really sad cuz some major shit happened so take what my depression gifted me with

Oh and heres martin and john together here

Hope my contributions to this fandom will be remembered dearly/lh

[unnamed-idi0t]

OHMYGODOHMYGOD YESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

im trying to speed through s2 rn so i can have more varian content lmaolmao I LOVED HIS VILLIAN ARC SO MUCH!! he was so sassy omg

waot have you watch tangled the series

pleasepleasplease tell me you have im sooo insane varian omgmggjhjg

RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT???

DUDE OMG I LOVE VARIAN SO MUCH RARARARAGATSGSTSGGDHEHEKEFLEJDKFLDJDJDDKDKLR

I'VE BEEN PLANNING TO MAKE AN ANIMATIC TO "READY AS I'LL EVER BE" BUT ISTG THE STARS WON'T LET ME HAVE THE MOTIVATION-

[dragon-queen21]

Just wanted to say I read your angst Tengen regressor fic and holy smokes it’s so canon!! Do you have more hcs that go along with it?

Vent Regressor Tengen + cg Hashira's

Ahh, thank you! Best compliment ever <3 Also thank you for the excuse to simply ramble about Tengen, take some angst and fluff Now I really want to write a part two to that fic

Tw: separation anxiety, implied child abuse/abandonment, just general angst

~~~

~First of all Tengen being so emotionally attached to his wives (yes I know that’s kind of obvious, they’re married and all) but I mean in the sense of, he’s distraught for days if he doesn’t get to say a ‘proper’ goodbye to them before a mission. At worse he’s depressed and moody and hating himself. Once to the point that the other pillar he was teamed up with made them turn around just so he could properly say goodbye to them when they weren’t too far out

~Honestly, they’re all very dependent of one another just given how they grew up. Tengen was sick at the idea of first becoming a husband and having kids seeing how his father treated his mother and siblings. He’s a mess if he thinks he did anything wrong, and I think that also pools into him bragging about being the best husband ever to try and convince himself (much to the annoyance of everyone else around him)

~The loves of his life and the only reason he’s still going

~Sometimes just copes by taking care of Zenitsu or the Kamado siblings. Because you can’t exactly be sad if you have someone who needs you, and the excuse that you don’t deserve to take care of yourself doesn’t extend to the innocent kiddo(s) who’s spending the day with you.

~When his wives are gone no one hears from Tengen, and it’s become a thing amongst the other Hashira to go and check in on Tengen. To drag him out of his own depression whenever they’re aware that he’s alone

~Usually this falls on Rengoku and Mitsuri. One because, well it’s Rengoku, the man spends just as much time at the sound estate as he does his own house. Mitsuri because she hates seeing anyone sad, and probably picked up on the habit from Rengoku

~Sometime master Kagaya will call Tengen in for a ‘important discussion’ <- literally just him listening to his son talk about his problems and ramble about his wives (Yes I am aware of the non existent age difference between Tengen and Kagaya, I am ignoring that okay, he can be Tengen’s parental figure if I want him to be /lh)

~Sanemi who’s just like, ‘shit, what do I even do… ugh, you want to spar or something?’ <- he’s trying, not his fault that Tengen is like five mentally. They go and play board games once Sanemi realizes Tengen is in no position to fight both physically and emotionally. Despite originally thinking he would go easy on the kid he still loses horrendously.

~Shinobu helps clean around his house, deals with a whining toddler who keeps complaining about a headache.

Shinobu: “Tengen you don’t need medicine. Your headache is from you literally having had nothing to eat all day.” Tengen: “M no, think I’m dying.” Shinobu: “You are definitely not.”

~Very used to co-sleeping so trying to get any rest in a huge empty bed is just not happening. Trying to get Tengen to sleep turns into the pillars having a sleepover. The only reason he's not feeling bad is because some of the other pillars are regressed as well. The regressor finally ending up falling asleep cuddled against at least two members of his found family with a movie playing the background

[mercars-musings]

20 questions for fanfiction writers

Hewwo!!! TYSM to the lovely @sunny374940 & @andthekitchensinkao3 for tagging me in this!!! ;0; I appreciate youse so much ! <3 Answers under the cut ! <3

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

Only 8 so far! My disabilities can stop me from writing as much as I'd like to sadly but I hope to get at least 1 out a month from here on out!

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

Apparently: 20,635 ! I didn't actually expect it to be that much lmfao

3) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Would You Fall In Love With Me Again? - Emrook Angst / Comfort: After trying to claw his way out of the fade for the past 7 years, Rook is pulled back into Thedas only to be confronted by the fact that time passes differently outside of the Fade. {Ft. Fade Prison Trauma Nightmares!}

2. Market Memories - Emrook Angst / Comfort: Rook takes Emmrich to a small market nearby where Rook grew up, however shit hits the fan when they run into someone from Rooks past. that he'd rather forget.

3. Trust & Fish Sticks - Fluffy Sad That heavily features Emrook: This is a short sad & fluffy piece I wrote on Rook Mercar taming & adopting the angry dog that keeps barking outside of the dog crates in Dock Town.

4. Gone Too Soon - A short sad hurt/comfort piece I wrote on Rook Grieving the loss of a friend {Post Cage for Gods - Davrin}. Funny how my fave pieces are all the most popular haha, I need to trust my gut more it seems!

4) What fandoms do you write for?

I only write for Dragon Age atm! I am heavily influenced by Epic the Musical so who knows maybe I'll do some Epic Fanfic in the future! Or something else, I DAV tore me out of a like several year writers block so I'm just taking what comes inspo wise atm!

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Omg ofc! The comments always give me a huge inspirational boost and is honestly a large reason I've managed to write more after the first piece! Checking my comments & kudos is one of my favourite things to do honestly - it's the least I can do to respond once I see them!

6) What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Okay so, most of my endings are all fluffy lmfao. I START with angst and then let the boys comfort eachother by the end! Though I guess the one that would class is "Gone Too Soon" since it leaves both Emmrich and Rook still heavily grieving Davrin. This fic was so hard to write it made me so sad :<

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

"Trust & Fish Sticks" for sure!!! Manfred and Doggo are besties, Doggo gets to be part of a loving family, the events of Veilguard are over & Rook & Emmrich have a very fun night ahead of them! ;)

8) Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully no & I hope I never do! I still can't fathom that some people are that cruel honestly :<

9) Do you write smut?

I *used to* back when I was writing fic years ago, but that was a different fandom & my comfort with sex has evolved over the years as I've realised I'm like a sex neutral GrayAce lmfao. Shit doesn't cross my mind 90% of the time XD

10) Do you write crossovers?

I *used to* not since I returned to fanfic though!

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't *think* so? I certain hope not!

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge!

13) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nah, maybe at some point in the future though! Guess it depends on how my latest fanfic journey goes in future! :3

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh shit why would you ask me thiiiiiis!!! ;0; /lh I think ATM it's definitely Emrook BUT I've had so many in the past honestly!

15) What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I WILL finish it I promise, I'm desperate too ;0; Anyway it's a fic that goes through My Rook Mercars 7 years stuck in the fade. There will be 7 chapters - 5 with each one being an exploration of 1 of the 5 Stages of Grief & how it relates to Az's time in The Prison. Then the last 2 chapters exploring some of the after effects that I haven't covered in prev fics yet! :3

16) What are your writing strengths?

I hear I'm great at making people suffer asdfgjkl; On a serious note I think I'm really good at editing? Honestly proof reading & editing is when I get most of my better work in fics done imo! My works usually AWFUL till then haha

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

Actually getting shit STARTED!!! I struggle to actually put fingies to keyboard and start the process more often than not. Once I've started though I can lose myself in the flow and shit becomes a lot easier! Oh and punctuation for sure. I like weird sentence structure I'm sure I'd be stripped of my Degree if any of my old writing proffs saw me now lmfao

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I have never tried it, though I can barely manage writing in my own language in general SO I think I'll stick to that lmfao.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

Tim Burtons Alice & Wonderland! I'll actually go further: My next were Charlie McDonald x Matt Smith's Dr Who; BBC's Sherlock & then CW's Supernatural asdfghjkl. Yes I was a SuperWhoLockian & YouTuber Obsessed Child, try not to bully me too hard lmfao

20) Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

It's definitely "Would You Fall In Love With Me Again?" I went into some sort of wild trance and it suddenly existed. I barely had to edit it for once & it is 2 of my current special interests {DAV & Epic The Musical} so likeeeee lmfao

Here's some no pressure taggies! @hyperions-light ; @ofcrowsanddragons ; @taashyvashedan ; @thedissonantverses ; @caughtnyact ; @fangbangerghoul ; @redheadsramblings ; @basedonconjecture

[unapologetiicapathy]

OKAY HELLO THERE FOLKS im here rn to tell you abt a heathers au i have where jd survives !! i wrote most of this vv late at night so forgive me if it doesnt make sense or if its dumb lol, also this is based off the movie bcuz i havent seen the musical yet

(copypasted from notes)

(putting it under the cut cuz its long as FUCK)

-okay so theres multiple versions i have of this au, in one of them jd and veronica arent together, but that made me kinda sad (my poor little mega-crush-on-jd heart doesnt want him to be lonely </3) so i have another au where their shared secrets end up keeping them together, and then that one also has two versions, one where they have a kid and one where they dont (this is proof i have too much free time amd i write shit way too late at night) (also i have way more hcs abt the "they do stay together" version lmao)

-so the bomb didnt work quite as well as he thought it wld. he still got blown the fuck up but not bad enough to kill him (obvi). someone called an ambulance (im not sure who but definitely not veronica /lh), he got rushed off to hospital, he was there for quite a while and got a lot of scars and stuff but somehow he managed to survive (they thought he was a total goner man)

-veronica didnt know he was still alive for a few weeks. the explosion was on the news, but she was majorly avoiding tv altogether at the time (no matter where you are the news is always reporting on some sort of death and tragedy, and it served as WAYYYYY too much of a reminder of what she and jd did). she didnt find out til she actually saw him in person

-she was at the 711 (or wherever the fuck they got the slushies from idk its midnight rn) getting potato chips (yes this is an important detail to me. dont ask me why.) and he happened to be there at the same time

-she totally freaked the hell out when she saw him ("no. no! youre dead! youre dead! youre fucking dead!" "well you see, the thing is, im actually not.") and it took her awhile to come to terms with the situation

-in the "veronica-less" au, they ran into each other a few times after that, veronica refused to talk with him, and he ended up leaving sherwood and going to. um. somewhere else idk thats honestly as far as i got with this version 👍👍👍

-in the "they stay together" version (holy fuck i need proper names for these man), they also kept running into each other, but this time it worked out different yk (god i sound stupid sorry). they were both rlly conflicted abt it. it was like they both wanted to see each other again, but at the same time it felt like the worst thing that cld possibly happen. but you see, it kept happening. and happening. and happening. its like they couldnt  avoid each other. and at some point or another, they started just wanting it to happen. then kind of actively trying to make it happen. and then he finally just asked her out. she said no bcuz she needed some time to think abt it (they did go out a couple weeks later tho)

-(skip back in time a lil here bcuz im a fuckin scatterbrain lmao) when veronica found out jd was still alive she was scared of him yk (i mean i wld be too if my supposed-to-be-dead ex showed up outta nowhere) but she realised that like. he changed. smth happened in his silly lil head when he nearlu died, and he realised that everything that happened was totally fucked up and he actually regrets it and wants to do things different yk. (wanna be a better person? have a near-death experience /j)

-youd expect them to go get slushies when they finally do go on a date. NOPE. they actually go out for breakfast and get waffles (jd absolutely 100% loves waffles and you cannot convince me otherwise)

-at some point or another, veronica buys him little vinyl dinosaur stickers (yknow like the kind you can put on laptops and helmets and stuff). i dont know when this happens. i dont know why this happens. but i know it happens.

-jd kinda wants to be a theatre actor for a lil while, he ends up having tiny roles in a few things but he never rlly has any cool roles yk (im not quire sure why this is part of my au now but its probably just bcuz i wanna watch the musical lmao)

-okay i told you there was two points where this au branches off and congratulations youve just reached the second point 👍👍👍 this is where the path splits between "jd and veronica with no kids" and "jd and veronica with a kid"

-in the "no kids" version, they cant have a kid bcuz theyre scared that they wont be able to raise a child properly and the kid will turn out like they did, and thats the scariest thought in the world to them

-in the "jd and veronica with kids" version (srsly i need the power to create au titles man eueueue), they have a teenage daughter named alina

-theyre super super SUPER protective of her and like theyre always fretting abt whether theyre doing a good job

-they dont tell her abt what they did in '88 bcuz theyre worried abt how shell react, sometimes they think maybe they shld say smth but they always end up agreeing to "just wait til later" (theyre never gonna tell her man theres no way in hell)

-jd knows that the only reason veronica was involved in the deaths was bcuz she was with him, and so he gets extra extra worried whenever alina starts dating someone bcuz hes scared that shell get taken down the same path that he took veronica down all those years ago (which is very unlikely but i mean can ya blame him?)

-jd 100% needs therapy but cant get it bcuz how the fuck do you tell a therapist that you murdered three ppl and then tried to explode yourself. so instead he has a diary he writes in every day and he uses it as sort of self-therapy (i tooooootally didnt just take one of my own personality traits or habits or wtvr the word is and give it to him. totally not. totally. 👍)

-uh thats it for now but i definitely have more au hcs tucked away in my one singular braincell, i just need to find em apparently- also apologies for the excessive parentheses 👍👍👍

[riacte]

there was a comment on the hermitcraft reddit asking if hbomb had collected false before (like she was the first !!) (i think)

and that’s made me realise how niche this side of hermitcraft is haha /lh

LMAOOO??? HBOMB NINETY FOUR???? the one who made the reddit post back in aug 2020??? PLEASE. FALSE is the one H first noticed let’s be real here

Arguably my fav H - Hermit dynamic is H and False. He believed in her before he even knew her lmao. This is the elite mentor-underdog dynamic and it’s facts sorry.

I think this means we need to start talking about Blue Bats a lot more often. Except it keeps on being brought up in Twitch chats and the chatters all go “mcc9 blue 💙” so it’s definitely still in circulation.

HC Reddit is full of shit. MCC Reddit can and will readily recite the Blue9 lore. HC Reddit is literally embarrassing lmao

It’s quite sad really because H is tied to False Supremacy and Blue Bats so I guess all of that is falling out of fashion now 💔 it’s gonna be four years since MCC9 help

Also sad that it’s niche now because Blue9 (etc) was the rallying cry for us Hermit MCC watchers and it shows that some people really do not give a shit about False, not even the basic surface level knowledge that the other spheres are aware of, they care so little that they ignore one of her most famous achievements skdjdhhfnejfjd

[speaker-anon]

Hidden Lamentions

You finally find out the truth. The reason felt wrong and horrible, yet it feels right and reasonable. 

(//first attempt writing is my silly anon suffering? that's crazy man /lh)

(//also please note i timestamped on how the events went by memory and the asks from vita an's the back side blog from memory which means i might get things wrong)

(//this takes place before the second phase of vita an's lore :3. now enjoy some suffering folks)

-1 Day before the rapture-

Walking away after exchanging reasons, drawing closer to somewhere more secluded in the back, the damn smile they put on while blasting earrape is finally cracking as the turmoil of emotions flood onto their mind.

Speaker couldn't get their thoughts together. They're going to disappear. They'll be wiped from existence once the rapture is complete. Once the door opens.

They never thought about the feeling of death at their young, carefree age before. But since finding some sort of truth in 🥀's intentions, they can't understand why the whole world has to disappear. Why they have to be caught in the way. Not even everyone knows the world will end soon, minus a few anons and other people like them.

The worse thing about it? There's absolutely zero chance they'll be in this "new world". Of course, blasting earrape to people is considered rude, even for the shits and giggles.

Of course, Peaky is aware that justice will rain down upon for their actions one day.

But why did the way of order have to be like this? They'd rather go to jail than die.

Even with what 🥀 said on how it's going to go, Speaker can't help but feel sick to the stomach. They place their newly bought and trusty round speaker to the floor as they sat onto the floor, near the wall.

"it's...not fair. not fair at all. why does it...?"

Peaky took out their phone and started scrolling through the internet, checking on people's posts on the social media website everyone uses.

Vampie's doing fine. Peaky still hasn't heard anything from Gray. Intern from Vita-Hona's pharmacy seemed fine. Everyone else was fine, other than a few people going through the horrors back at their places.

Tears slowly leak from the anon's mismatched color eyes, falling like water droplets dripping down the sink.

"this isn't fair"

Speaker tried to distract themself by playing a few rhythm games, but it doesn't work due to their eyes watering, obscuring their ability to see the notes coming down the judgement line.

Listening to calming, classical music doesn't work either.

This; all of this felt like a fucking nightmare to Peaky.

But what is there to do to stop it?

To stop the gears of faith?

To save (is there even a possibility) everyone?

To save themself?

Nothing.

Speaker is just a dumbass blasting earrape for their own pleasure.

They can't cry out for the entire day. That would waste the time Peaky has left.

Grabbing the speaker and standing up, Peaky took out a special device and clicked on a button.

Best to spend some time before they disappear.

-5 more hours till the end-

Speaker hoped they did well with the remaining hours. They talked with their new best friend Vampie, even asking a hug from them.

The comfort helped the fragile mentality.

Right...?

Right...?

Not really.

They still feel sad.

The fact they imagined the sound of clock ticking in their head, counting towards the end of everything, everyone, all at once as a new world shall be reborn.

Tears rolled down Peaky's face, but it's not that quick as they wipe it away.

Try to breathe. Focus. Drift your mind away from everything.

In, out, and repeat.

In, out, then repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat till there's nothing to repeat.

Nope.

Peaky choked out a few sobs. This is fate.

Let it take course.

It'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

Speaker rolls up into a ball, letting the tears fall.

There's not much left to do.

...

Peaky forced themself to get up, taking hard steps towards her location.

One last farewell.

One last farewell to the mastermind. 

Those might be as well the very last words they'll ever say.

Yet they wonder...will everything truly be in order? Will regret everything after the gears of fate stop and restart?

...

That's something they aren't sure of.

-3 more hours till the end-

Speaker opened their mouth, as the thoughts of their true feelings wove themself into sad, yet sharp words.

"...i shouldn't feel scared. i shouldn't {yet i am}. the rapture won't hurt {yet why do i act like it will}, just as you said. but i don't want to die. i know my actions won't allow me to make it into the new world. i just know it {not even if i change just in time}. i guess i'm bidding a farewell early, huh {i don't want to but there's nothing left to feel}? i'm scared. i'm scared of what happens next. but i got to face it with courage, not fear."

They leaned onto the wall as one last tear drips down their tired, sunken eyes.

"please remember me in the new world, 🥀."

Illith finished, smiling bitterly.

[frozenjokes]

Hey, I binged read your cubscar(ian) hotguy au

And I LOVED it,

Cub's characterization is so precious, he's so autistic to me (I'm autistic so I kin heavily) the way you write him, chef's kiss and all that. Is Cub Demi? xx

Scar is so strong and yet so broken but he doesn't know it yet, I'm so glad he's in therapy now <3. I love that you wrote him this way, he's disabled (just like me) but he's not a child, he's whimsy but so life smart, I value so much when authors write him like this and his plurality is very relatable <3. And his friendship with Mumbo <3

Grian, well he's just so real, his need for a job ever tho Cub was happy looking out for him <3, his friendship just reconnecting with Mumbo so easily, warmth. I love how self aware he is, and the angst you wrote for him is heart strings shattering I loved.

Cub and Grian's relationship ahhhhh yessss. The commitment and devotion, how they are so connected they didn't notice it sliding from platonic to romantic. This just IS for me.

Cub and Scar, well (yes again 🤣) they are so sweet, and Cub holds 51% of the cards lol but Scar's 49% is really doing things for Cub wink wink. Some of the reasoning behind Cub's love is being loved. And Scar loving him because of his round edges and softness 🥹

Scar and Grian. I hope the flowers he got for them were poppies and lilacs /lh /nf; Scar's fear because of his sharp edges, Scar in other works has his weakness but he can always find in in himself to want to protect Grian almost as a superior?, but you write Scar so vulnerable and equal to Grian. They are enemies to frenemies to ... But really it's caused by the lack of knowing, eachother and their personal experiences. Again Scar and his plural view of people <3 I think Grian thought of Scar as stronger emotionally, physically, mentally then Scar ever was, and Grian used him because of this misconception. I'm glad they're getting there, truly. Did Grian feel dejected? when Scar didn't help with his wings? Angst <3

thank you!!! Cub could be Demi. So could Grian! They can be whatever your heart desires. Personally I don’t care to label any of them because it isn’t very important to me. I do think Cub would refer to both Scar and Grian has his friends even after years of being together and it drives Scar absolutely nuts. Why are you doing that. What do you Mean. Cub it’s been twenty years you can introduce me as your boyfriend I Promise no one here is going to judge you and cub just goes: ? oh right. and then he never does that. the word friend just comes easier. it’s cozy.

It’s very silly to me you pointed out scar’s friendship with Mumbo because they are not friends scar is Coping. /silly. I actually forget very often I write a lot of angst of these characters because that’s just not really how my brain categorizes turmoil. It’s always a jumpscare to see it pointed out /light hearted, joking. funniest instance of this happening 🔽

(from chapter two of the Jimmy decked out fic)

I was on call with a friend while reading this for the first time and for the life of me I Could Not think of what /nf meant and he didn’t know either so we came up with some ideas: NOT FUNNY. no fingers. non fungible. nut fart. NO FUN. no friends. Nice feet. never forget. nice flowers. new friend! NOT FAIR

it means not forced. we had to look it up LMAO /silly silly silly. thank you for the laughs

Grian thought of scar as a piece of shit self absorbed celebrity and this is true however it’s not everything. inside is a deeply, deeply, extremely deeply, unimaginably kicked puppy. he’s sad and pathetic and has big wet eyes. also he cares.

Grian wasn’t too affected by Scar’s not wanting to touch his wings, and in general the experience was a little more overwhelmingly confusing? Neither he nor Cub expected him to have such a strong reaction, especially when things between all three of them are getting better, but Scar is still carrying the weight of a lot of Grian’s poor treatment of him for weeks on end, and even though Scar’s forgiven him and understands where he was coming from, those aren’t things you can just brush off, especially when many of Grian’s gestures (good and bad) are sweeping and intense and unpredictable, and people pleasing for someone as unstable as that (less so now, but before it was bad) is Extremely Stressful. dealing with cuteguy (evil version) for months beforehand Did Not Help. there’s a reason Scar views Grian as Sharp and that’s because they have both beat the piss out of each other hundreds of times.

To a point Grian is aware of this. It’s a thing he’s discussed in therapy a thousand times, and something he had to confront directly with Jimmy. In his eyes, his friendship with Scar (despite blunders on both sides) is an act of Scar’s good will towards him as given with Scar’s forgiveness, and if Scar is having problems, then it’s not really something Grian can hold against him. Obviously that doesn’t stop feelings from being hurt, but this was more a result of The Panic Attack than the wing touching refusal. Which Grian dealt with by Pushing Minigolf Pushing Pushing Pushing Pushing. Grian’s reaction to guilt and/or rejection is I NEED TO MAKE UP FOR THIS RIGHT MEOW!!!!! and in doing so often fails miserably to read the room, which is why Cub steps in in that particular instance.

as far as wings though, if I were Grian, scar would be The Last Person I want touching them. Clumsiest motherfucker alive who in the case of this au, tends to be rougher with his affection because he literally can not tell what is too little or too much. Having someone nervous at your back probably isn’t a great feeling either, and for an activity that’s supposed to be relaxing, Cub brings a Much steadier aura. Cub also has the capacity to focus. Scar would probably need at least three other sources of stimulation to do a good job. And it would still hurt. Regular wing grooming is not supposed to hurt 💔

my rambling service comes free, well, perhaps at a small cost of a seemingly benign question. normal about her ocs frozenjokes back at it again

[traumagenic-positivity]

We're rlly happy about this (and tbh it's kinda often that we're proud of things we do), so wanted to just share because :3 <long post moment>

I know we've certainly had pride when alters were developing, like figuring themselves out, and we're always proud of that progress we make individually. But this is slightly different, and was kinda necessary.

We'd been really REALLY dissociated for a while, like struggle to function at all dissociated. And there was fear, ik that much. Didn't know what to do to fix it, and was really hesitant or afraid or uncomfortable with some methods to ground for some reason? We weren't sure entirely bc soup brain, yk.

Turns out that, well, in retrospect, it makes sense why there was hesitation to ground at all or any other idea we had that was rejected (idr if it was smth else specifically ofc). A traumaholder was essentially STUCK, ig? Idk but ig that's why we were blurry and just completely out of it for so long (like at*least* two days /lh). And also why we wanted a specific alter to come out (who is associated with helping them bc past stuff) -,_-,

Well they managed to actually. Idk. OK I DONT KNOW HOW THEY DID IT, but I guess it's because the avoidance or barrier to pain was lowered, lessened, removed? Like we/they stopped blocking out and purposefully avoiding the pain we felt, the sad thoughts that suck. We usually try to let ourselves feel pain but ig we werent?? But they did it, felt the hurt, and I mean ig it's kinda grounding to feel what you feel? So they were def in front. They did what they wanted, needed, to try and cope with the pain they felt. And ykw? They usually aren't alone, usually someone helps comfort them to ease the pain WITH them.

Someone else we didnt know about came up to em! so asffsdh thats fun, but they got through it! Even if it was kinda awkward and weird and kinda not the best? But def not the worst. We actually still have it written down bc yk important, and that's how the alter coped anyways.

I'M SO PROUD OF THIS BTW GENUINELY LIKE WE DONT FEEL SO BLURRY/NEG ANYMORE!! I mean we're still fairly blurry bc day to day lack of identity has been a norm for us for so long 😔 but like we're not immobilized by the dissociation and stuffs, yk? PROGRESS!! And it's all thanks to this lil guy(/aff)! So many hugs for the traumaholder frfr, srsly!! (I'm actually starting to get emotional like wanting to cry from this lmao idk if this is me or someone else or the traumaholder XD)

Srsly, so proud, I love us, I cannot stress enough the genuine pride and joy I feel for us working through shit <33 - 🤎

thats great progress!! good job anon!! all of you guys!!:-)!!!

[doveissummerstuck]

PAGE 1-10 ACT 1

we here chat

Ok this begins now,,,

The iconic a young man stands in his bedroom he really do be standing tho

but thats literally his name guys!!! and I got insulted,,, so sad literally cries

yeah ok pal,,, im still gonna call you zoosmell pooplord,, :/ anyways first character of the comic he's really silly guys look at that goofy smile bro is literally 8D

ok so first the room,, we sharin a bday ,, pretty cool next the fucking cake on the drawer..for what purpose john,, ok next the bed,, banger I love his sheets next the hot male above his bed,, smash /hj next the hammer and nails on the floor??? PICK THAT UP JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chest go hard tho but why there a cake on it

yeah i can tell about the cakes,, I can tell johnny boy,, o em gee programmaer u nerd (i code for a living) I <3 paranormal lore yall,, and good for u as a magician but fuck dat have to do with the nails and on the floor and the cake on drawer,,,wait bars

i didnt even notice he didnt have his arms what (homestuck brainrot)

dumbass pooplord antics /lh

yea do that remove that oddly placed cake

WHY THE FUCK DID IT TURN BLUEBERRY ....

i would NOT do that ( i would absolutely do that) but I wouldn't put it on his bed,, I've eaten cake in bed to many crumbs :/

get yo arms my manz you you you armless

what the fuck,, WHY ARE YOU HOKDLING UR OWN ARMS,, also why the photo in the chest look like his dad

and they disapereadd with the captachalogeu

oh they fake ik that ( no I didnt) now get up to some silly antics my boy ,,, bruh is a captachaloguemaxxing syalldex sigma 😹 (sorry) anwyas look at the other items

first we got arms

next we got beans???

next we got ultimate silly antics disguise

a book titled Colonel Sasacare's Daunting text and Magicl Rivorioli and Practical Japripory

next we have a book titled wise guy

next we have a sword that looks like its made of white bamboo

a wizard hat that matches the chest

handcuffs

and more beans???????????????????

oh,, ik that tottally, :3 i mean i got most of them right ,, but tf is a beagle puss is that what its called,,, anyways

bro only got 4 lilttle logue thingies bruhh

isnt vernaclaur a vein or something what

yeah bro and u have 2 cakes pls put 2 AND 2 TOGETHER

this is finna be good!!!

ion think bro can equip it

knew he couldnt equpi it,, call me vriska cause I'm pyshcic (that joke made no sense sorry) ,, bro got the worst fecth modus every bro cant access shit,,, bros room finna be looking like he just got passed the blunt,, STACK DATA STRUTCTURE??? nerdy ass fetch modus bruh,, (I love the name) bro I find it puzzling and mildly irritating too bruh oml,,, "but with any hope" but with any hope.. but wwith any hope? but wvith any hope? but wvwith any hope?

sorry yrall ampora moment [the last 1 is my ampora oc guys :::::::;) ]

ok imma shut up now good night or good morning ,, imma contiunwe this later,,

[somany-signs]

Dual Taylor Theory- Lavender Haze/Midnight Rain Outfit Change

If you need context on the Dual-Taylor theory, I will link that here (x)

The following is under the Gaylor assumption so keep that in mind, I won't be trying to justify that part in this post.

SO, I believe the outfit change during the midnights set is very intentional- this is not something she does any other time. The songs being performed- Lavender Haze and Midnight Rain are a stark contrast of both Taylors individually. Lavender Haze is taylor the person, who feels safe and comfortable in her Lavender relationships while she gets to do as she pleases behind the scenes. Brand Taylor continues the "conversation" between the two by coming out and singing Midnight Rain, a song about how Taylor the person "wanted it comfortable//wanted a bride//family" etc. while she chose to pursue fame and make a name for herself.

I'm making this in somewhat of a rush, there are contradictions and holes but if anyone else wants to play with this idea feel free!

Further lyrical analysis below the cut

I've been under scrutiny You handle it beautifully All this shit is new to me

This is Person Taylor addressing Brand Taylor (BT), giving the media handling over to her.

I feel the lavender haze creepin' up on me Surreal, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

Person Taylor does not want to conform, doesn't want to be public either, just live a happy queer life with her privacy.

Talk your talk and go viral I just need this love spiral Get it off your chest- Person Taylor Get it off my desk -Brand Taylor

Again addressing BT, "do what you need to do and I'm going to do what I need to do"

and a line that feels like speaking to each other here-

"Maybe you should get this off your chest, let go of the expectations so I can be free"

"Get it off my desk // not happening we're thriving in our career" etc.

Now moving to Midnight Rain:

he wanted it comfortable I wanted that pain He wanted a bride I was making my own name Chasing that fame He stayed the same All of me changed like midnight

PT wanted a normal quiet queer life, BT wanted the fame and chaos and success, but it came at the cost of personal relationships and her reputation.

My town was a wasteland Full of cages, full of fences Pageant queens and big pretenders But for some, it was paradise

The life of being a celebrity, full of "big pretenders" like herself. Still, many people idolize this life, including her younger self who wanted this more than anything.

My boy was a montage A slow-motion, love potion Jumping off things in the ocean I broke his heart 'cause he was nice

This reminds me a lot of the lover era, "jumping into pools from balconies" "love potion" and the very sad-looking aesthetic change that followed.

ie: this sad af performance

She broke her own heart because it didn't fit her image to be openly queer.

It came like a postcard Picture perfect, shiny family Holiday, peppermint candy But for him it's every day

So I peered through a window A deep portal, time travel All the love we unravel And the life I gave away

Comparing the life PT has in private with family and loved ones (and maybe a lost female muse) to what she gave away when she continued the BT image.

I guess sometimes we all get Just what we wanted, just what we wanted

Feeling heavily what she wanted- for better of worse. She has her success, but not the life she wanted to live.

And he never thinks of me Except when I'm on TV

BT only exists when on stage/public eye, etc. PT tries to separate herself from this persona as much as she can.

I guess sometimes we all get Some kind of haunted, some kind of haunted And I never think of him Except on midnights like this (midnights like this)

BT tries to forget PT exists while performing and putting on the show, but it can't be obviously very difficult and painful to play the part.

Starting LH with "Meet me at Midnight" and ending Midnight Rain with thinking of PT "on Midnights like this" is also very telling.

Again, a lot of holes here, not extremely thorough in examples but please let me know if you have any ideas that would make this theory more solid or if you think it holds any validity. Just something that's been on my mind!