#so. im at the point where i love my family but i really want to get home i think. good thing im going back this Saturday

[kryptznnn]

♡- Let Me Know [III]

▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ

▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ

➸ INTERESTS; -atwow!neteyam x fem!metkayina reader

➸ BACKGROUND; -As the omatikayan family takes refuge within your clan, it seems sparks begin to fly when tension rises with the oldest brother and yourself over a shared family dinner. The question isn't what'll happen between you two, it's what'll you do to prevent things from getting further.

➸ WARNINGS; - wc.3.3k, angst kinda sorta, injury mention, blood mentions, open wound care, romantic tension, seizure mentions, care, scar mention, nearly kissing, romantic confessions kinda sorta

➸a.i; - hello omg im so sorry im late i was being followed by some random in a grocery store 😓, anyways im back love u guys, working on the jjk fic now should be posted within a few hours or tmrw morning!!

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚

♡- Let Me Know [II]

♡-Let Me Know Masterlist

You sighed as you drew another mark on the wall, that’s a total of 15 marks. It had been 15 days since you had stayed within the village or even seen the Sully family. You knew you needed a break, but honestly guilt was eating you up inside, you missed everyone.

You had seen your family occasionally, stopping by for meals or rest at certain times. You had also been within the village for small periods of time, mainly for the children, and unfortunately haven’t come across any of the other Sully members other than Tuk.

You had really wanted to see Neteyam more than anyone else, deciding it was a proper timing to talk things out with him to see where you two really stand. Now of all times during your break was probably one of the worst times though, thankfully your family was understanding. They had explained they already told the others of your break and to take your time through it all.

If anything, when you did get back Neteyam wouldn’t even be part of what you had in store. You had to speak to your brother and clear the air, the way things ended weren’t for the best. Even on your day-to-day occurrence of stopping by your mauri pod he wouldn’t be there, and apparently always asked for you.

It made your stomach twist slightly, your head felt like it was splitting in half, and you didn’t know what to do. You were too hurt to even think of any-

“Y/n?” You heard a familiar voice asking from behind you, you whipped your head around quickly to see A’tan. Surprise was plastered on your face, then quickly turning into confusion.

“How did you know I was here?” You asked him, turning back around as you watched him walk in further, sitting beside you and looking at the chart you carved into the wall. He smiled at you softly, then handed you a small blue conch shell which you immediately recognized.

“My sister told me you’d be here, she said you took her here before, wanted me to give you this.” He spoke as you took the shell into your hands with a soft smile, remembering Riti.

You thanked him and you two began small conversation. He soon led towards the point of what had happened two weeks ago and asked what had happened for your outburst. Apparently everyone that was there did spread the news onto the entire clan, and no one was willing to tell him what happened to you, you only sighed and huddled your knees to your chest.

“A couple of years ago, I was with Ao’nung, as he wanted to show me something special he had found with his friends. I went along with him of course, but we only went with my ilu. He stupidly went beyond the reefs and I chased after him, unfortunately we cross paths with a pxazang.” You paused, remembering that day as it was the only thing that would replay in your head over and over.

“I was able to distract it, calling back for my ilu and telling Ao’nung to go back home and get our father to help, knowing if we both left it would've followed after us. The most damage I did when he was away was cut its eye, but that only made him more aggressive… and he gave me this as a souvenir." You paused, pointing to your back as you moved your hair to the side slightly before speaking again.

"It’s funny because I had passed out from the injury and floated to the top of the ocean and my father kept mentioning how he was only able to locate me because my blood left a trail in the ocean to direct him towards me.” You spoke, shaking your head and smiling awkwardly to the idea of it all.

“I don’t know I want to get over it, but it feels impossible honestly, like-“ You stopped, thinking to yourself for a moment as A’tan spoke, not listening to a single word he said when an idea clicked in your mind.

All you had to do was face your problem head on, right? Then things would be easier for you. Yeah, they would be easier, you just had to find the pxazang and get all of this energy out. It was years ago and even so you damaged its eye, it couldn’t be that hard.

You quickly shot up, grabbing your equipment and weapons before thanking A’tan. He looked at you in confusion and asked you numerous questions, you only shooed him off and made him exit, as you did soon behind him.

Hopefully you wouldn’t die.

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚

Your breath was ragged as you made your way back inside of your cave after petting your new animal goodbye. You held your side as you limped inside slowly, sitting down in front of your bedding and pulling out your herbal mixtures you had taken from home days ago.

You placed the paste on your side, your thigh, and upper arm. The cool sensation relieving the pain from your body and prior warm blood that trickled down it. You smiled to yourself, thinking back to your victorious moment, you were alive, and you had also bonded with the pxazang.

You thought to yourself how your family would’ve taken the news, definitely not well. You would’ve been scolded and seen as crazy for doing such a thing, but it bought a sort of comfort towards you. If you could beat such a creature there was no doubt you could do anything, especially speaking with your brother and the eldest Sully son.

You soon picked up your large shawl, placing your arms through the holes you had cut and placed the large hoodie over your head, now covering your body. You dug into your small pouch tied to your side and picked out the tooth of the pxazang.

You smiled softly as you got a small cord and wrapped it around tightly, securing it in place before tying it behind your neck and wearing it as a necklace. You looked over to the side, looking at the reflective surface on your wall and smiled looking at the necklace before hearing multiple people rushing into your cave.

You whipped your head around to see A’tan rushing inside alongside with your siblings and Roxto, you quickly stood up once you saw them all. A confused expression was worn on your face as you placed your hands to your side, before your sister immediately jumped into your arms hugging you tightly.

You smiled softly and hugged her back, biting your bottom lip as you winced and held in the pain from her pressing on your arms and sides. The two of you shared no words with one another, you looked past her shoulder to see your brother looking at the two of you, hurt in his eyes.

“Ao’nung” you said softly, your voice fairly hoarse. You motioned for him to come to you as you frowned at him, you sister let you go and you placed both hands on each side of his cheeks, cupping them.

You brought his head down to yours and pressed your forehead against his, as you two would do all the time when you were little and hugged him. Tears in your eyes and he only buried his head on your shoulder. You apologized to him profusely, over and over without fail, as he did to you, saying it wasn’t your fault and that he deserved it.

You soon shared your hugs with everyone inside, and they ushered you out as something terrible had happened to one of the Sully children. Before they could even go into detail about the seizure or how it started you darted out, calling for your ilu and speeding your way towards the shore of your family's mauri pod.

“Mama! Mama!” You shouted, pushing past all of the foreign objects and devices outside that made such loud noises as you made your way inside. Quickly flipping the beaded entrance to the side, you saw your mother who kneeled beside a body, Kiri’s body.

You greeted her quickly with a hug and walked around on the opposite side of her body. Placing a hand on her forehead, then her lower stomach. Her body was freezing, you frowned slightly taking in her unconscious expression and removed your shawl as your mother grabbed her needles to use on her torso.

You placed your shawl over her legs, and grabbing another cloth near you, rolling it up into a spiral like figure and placing it underneath her head to keep it elevated. Wincing as your body wouldn’t let you make that many movements as fast as you wanted from your wounds.

You took a deep breath and focused on your mother’s movements, mimicking her and keeping your hands over Kiri, praying for her. Honestly through your rush and prayers you hadn’t even realized everyone’s eyes on you.

Especially Neteyam, whose eyes hadn’t left your figure as he saw you sprint across the sandy beaches and into your pod. It wasn’t surprising for them to be shocked by your presence before them, it was the fact your body had suffered significant injuries.

Of course, your mother had taken note of this, her eyes not leaving your body nor Kiri’s. She took a good look at the necklace around your neck before huffing, to which you opened your eyes and asked if she was alright. She looked down at Kiri as she pointed a finger at your collarbone to where the necklace had rested against your skin.

“Where did you get that?” She asked, now placing her hand down and slightly poking Kiri again, a feeling of nervousness washed over you. You looked down at your hands and the bandaging on your left thigh, playing at it for a little.

“I made it from a tooth I found” you replied honestly. You weren’t lying, you did make the necklace, and you did find the tooth. Only in the palm of your hand after you had tied the mouth of the pxazang shut so you could climb atop it.

She only shook her head, before she could say or accuse you of anything else further and finding out the truth you only changed the topic, saying it was more important to focus on Kiri as of now.

And the two of you did.

Well,

Both families did, they all waited for her awakening. The children all sat together, Riti was accompanied by Tuk and A’tan, while Lo’ak sat with Tsireya, as you sat alone with your mother and Neytiri with Kiri. You only looked over your shoulder occasionally to catch Neteyam catching glimpses of you, then soon turning in the opposite direction and looking back at sea.

You stood up and excused yourself, watching as the colors were drained from the sky as night arose again. You walked over to him and took a seat beside him, hudding your knees to your chest.

You looked over at him briefly, placing one hand over your legs and another in the sand. He locked eyes with you, looking at you with a frown before wetting his lips and parting them.

“I’ve missed you” he spoke, looking out into the sea yet again, you only frowned and did the same. You felt your fingers bristle against one another for a brief moment, but you felt comfort for a while and didn’t move it.

His hand was warm, really warm. It clashed against your own cool skin as you had come from the water not too long ago, not even having time to properly dry your body off. The wind blew against the two of you for a moment before you spoke.

“I’m sorry, and I’m sorry about your sister also. I should’ve been here.” You said, hurt in your voice as you spoke to him, he only shook his head and smiled at you. Admiring your attitude and compassion towards the situation, and with your aid alongside your mother.

“It’s alright, your sister said you were taking a break because you weren’t feeling well.” He said with a pause, looking at your body before turning back and speaking again. “But it seems that you returned more beaten than you left” he joked, you chuckled at his response as he motioned towards your bandages.

After a moment of silence and short glances and bashful eyes towards one another you cleared your throat. Sitting with your legs crossed as you took a deep breath and turned, now sitting and facing his side.

He only raised a brow but copied your movement. Now sitting across from you and looking into your eyes, trying to find something. Whatever it was he was looking for was soon shut down as you closed your eyes and lowered your head before opening them again, looking into your lap.

“We need to talk” you said softly, looking up at him as you fidgeted with your fingers. He hadn’t seemed nervous at all, still keeping a confused expression on his face before he spoke.

“We’re talking now aren’t we?” He said, pointing between the two of you, making you smile softly as you shook your head at him.

“I mean we have to talk about us, or whatever is going between us. More importantly what you feel for me or for how long it’s been happening...” You lingered on, he made an expression saying he understood what you meant and smiled at you.

“You’re very beautiful, I’ve told you that since we first properly met. Your attitude and determination is also beautiful, how you care for my siblings as if they’re your own or the others of the village is admirable.” He spoke honestly, looking into your eyes as he muttered each word.

As you looked at him in shock you turned your head to the side, feeling a heat creep up poke at your face as you twisted your lips. You had only felt this issue out of embarrassment at certain times, so why now? In the corner of your eye, you caught onto Neteyam playing with the sand before speaking again.

“Over the time you were away I was able to think about you or more of how I saw you. I saw you as more of a friend, and my siblings even bullied me about it for a while.” He laughed, his eyes now glued to the sand as you turned back and listened to him speak.

“Even though we don’t personally know each other as well as I’d like us too, I feel like I’ve known you forever. My entire being longs for yours whenever you’re away, and even just seeing you makes me happy, we don’t even have to speak.” He smiled to himself as he spoke, your heartbeat quickened at his words. Unaware of what to say or do, shock now completely overwhelming you.

Truth be told you did feel the same way towards Neteyam, towards a certain extent at least, his emotions seeming more extreme than yours. Out of embarrassment and lack of understanding of course you kept it under wraps and never wished to explore it further, but as he sat here and said all of this it only made you question yourself.

Between the short time you two had spent together you compared it to what your mother had told you about how she felt for your father. Mentioning to you that these are things you should look for within a man in the future you wish to pursue a life with.

Someone who is attractive, and without a doubt Neteyam Sully was a fine man. A man who could make you laugh or bring a sense of comfort or happiness whenever you’re with him. You quickly thought back to the feeling the pit of your stomach would make whenever he would simply touch you or speak to you, let alone look at you the way he does.

You smiled at him, strongly as he lifted his head up. You quickly took your hand into his and only nodded softly. He soon pulled you into a hug, both of his hands on your lower back. It was soothing and also terrifying, his strength was unbelievable, and yet he was so gentle with you as you hugged him back. You closed your eyes, still wincing through the pain and grunting softly as you patted him softly.

It seemed to him without even opening your lips to say a word he was able to understand everything you were telling him by just looking into his eyes. That’s what he had been trying to do for so long, read you.

Now that he had read your true intentions and the messages you were sending him, he was beyond happy. Honestly, he had practiced alone how he would speak to you when the day came, now it’s happy to see his work paid off.

As you two pulled apart from the hug your eyes or hands never left one another. Just as your heartbeat had settled it was risen again, the tension between the two of you was thick, now it seemed as if he wasn’t looking into your eyes for a response, but permission.

You placed a hand on his cheek, cupping it as you placed the other one past his ear, your fingers grazing against the back of his head. He placed a hand on your lower jaw, one of his fingers dangling down underneath it. As he rested his other hand by the side of your neck, careful to not grab you throat as he leaned in.

You nodded softly, to which he grinned from ear to ear as his fangs poked out from his mouth slightly. He kissed you on your forehead as you pressed your eyes shut, only to open them again. Looking at him as he smiled cheerfully at you, you only rolled your eyes and sat up straight, now ready to start the first kiss between you two.

He smirked at you, already seeing what position you were taking as he placed one hand now on your lower waist. As your lips grazed against one another before pressing you heard cheering and cries from the children inside. Quickly you pulled back from Neteyam, pushing him off of you and falling back first in the sand with a thud.

Without haste both Riti and Tuk came outside towards the two of you and jumped up and down screaming. Startling you as you now rolled over to stand up, looking back at Neteyam who was rested back on his elbows with his legs stretched out, shooting you a cocky smirk as you rolled your eyes.

“Kiri’s awake she’s awake!” They shouted in unison as they jumped hand in hand, you and Neteyam both darted towards the entrance of your mauri pod. You led a front while he stayed right behind you, his breathing heavy on your skin as you shivered.

As the two of you walked inside he placed a hand on your lower waist yet again, to push past you to get to his sister as you took a spot by your mother. As everyone said their hellos and hugged Kiri, you kept sudden glances and smiles back and forth between Neteyam, as he did you.

Realization hit you slowly, the two of you had nearly kissed, let alone had been nearly caught. It wasn’t just any kiss for you either, your first kiss. Your first kiss would’ve been him.

You covered your mouth and placed your face in your hands as you felt the same heat as before creep up to your cheeks yet again.

So long to saying you’d prevent anything happening between the two of you.

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚

✴🕷 please do not copy, plagiarize, edit, or translate any works submitted by me. all works are originated and all other pictures used within those works are online images. thank you!! @kryptznnn

[moeblob]

So I saw a screenshot of Ralph without his hat (for his wedding outfit + I think a DLC outfit didn't have it?) and honestly. There's a reason he wears it. It's unfair if he doesn't. Olive Town really is just "hot bisexuals in your area" and they would thrive if they advertised it as such.

[genekies]

tag vent

[zyafics-recs]

reblogging comment review from @zyafics

everytime i read this series i feel like im entering the battlefield 🚬😮‍💨my annotations below hehe ⬇️

It was unthinkable to be contemplating about gravestones. How could you sum up your family in limited words or dates, let alone choose a font for it?

ur writing has such PERSONALITY in it, i swear to god when i read this in beta, i was so in awe

Your first thought had been telling Topper, your only real family left, but he was as much Rafe’s as he was yours, and when it came down to it, he was still his best friend. Loyal to him since they were five, and jesus knows how he’d react if he found out about this. He’d most likely freak the fuck out and tell Rafe everything, thinking he was doing the right thing, or worse, letting it slip to Ruthie.

this parallels perfectly to the first chapter where topper called rafe when reader was leaving, so not only is this paragraph giving us an at-point breakdown, but it's referring evidence that topper would slip and tell rafe

It’s then you recognized how small your world was. How few people were truly yours.

their lives are so intertwined that reader doesn't know who to turn to when she needs independence 😭 oh curse rafe and his big dick

Today, it was just you, a few kids and teens dotted along the beach with oversized trash bags. It wasn’t even noon, but the sun felt like it was scorching you alive. It was laughable, really, standing under this blistering sun with a cheap trash bag and an endless stretch of sand to clean. 

this specific paragraph i wanted to highlight because i thought it was so descriptive and imaginative, but simplistic in a way that didn't feel like it was purple prose.

The kids were watching you again, with that look of curiosity. You couldn’t look them in the eye. It wasn’t their fault. They just didn’t understand that sometimes the grown-ups didn’t know what they were doing either. 

the last line EATS BITCH IT EATS

 “You should sit down.”

oh suck a dick

It was hard to believe the two of you had once burned hotter than any bonfire, two people who got under each other’s skin, in love, and in hate.

in love to hate omg

Instead, he narrowed his eyes, “You think I don’t know what fine looks like? I was there.”

THIS IS SO COLD BUT IT SHOWED HOW THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO WELL, HOW INTERTWINED THEY ARE WITH ONE ANOTHER

And the worst part? You could see that frustration in his eyes, the same look he used to give you when he’d reached his limit with you.You wondered if he ever got to that point with Sofia.

i would crashout

Sofia—the one who looked like she'd been ripped off from some perfect postcard, all wide-eyed sweetness and gentle smiles. She probably never challenged him, snapped back, or made him want to pull his hair out.

hm.

This was a version of you only Rafe could bring out.

they're so toxic and dynamic and i love them

Your chest hurt like you’d been run over a hundred times—it felt suffocating. “I hate you.”For the first time, you thought he might actually leave you here. 

that stopped me cold i had to write something in my diary

His fingers stopped as if your words had made an impact, his lips pressed into a thin line. Your vision blurred as he leaned in, his touch hovering as if to wipe away the tear running down your cheek, but he didn’t, instead, he closed his hand into a fist and drew back, his face just inches from yours. A faint, humorless smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he clicked the seatbelt into place. He made a low humming noise, that thing he did when he was getting ready to make someone feel two inches tall.  "Yeah? Get in line."

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN I'M LISTENING TO BAD OMENS BY 5SOS AND IT'S AT THE BEATS AND WHILE I READ THIS, IT FITTED PERFECTLY OHMYGOD

Rafe drove fast, every rev of the engine matching the churning in your stomach perfectly. You sat there, trembling, the dread building with every mile that passed. You gripped the seatbelt so hard it felt like your entire body might go numb, and stared straight ahead, breathing shallow, trying to ignore the sting in your eyes.

i wanted to highlight this specific paragraph because i adore the writing, something about it made me feel every single atom of the scene

“Would you stop?” His voice softened for the first time, as if he was trying to reach some part of you that he thought still cared. “You look like you haven’t slept in days, like you haven’t eaten anything that wasn’t out of a vending machine. I know you don’t want my help, but can you just stop for a second and—”“And what?” you interrupted.“And think! If you don’t get in there, I’ll drag you in myself.”Your heart raced, “You wouldn’t dare.”Rafe stepped closer; his jaw set in determination. “Try me.”“You’re not coming in."He blinked like the idea hadn’t even occurred to him. “What?”

HE DIDN'T EXPECT THAT SHIT NO NO

“Yeah, I got someone.”

that's right baby tell em

💌 — ugh, something about this part has been so dynamic, in the way it's constructed, the way it flows so naturally, the way the dialogues are so emotionally-charged but bounces off one another seamlessly. it was like i was watching a perfectly-curated film, where the dialogues were performed by seasoned actors. i love love their arguments. i love how intense it always gets, how they have this push-pull against each other, this hate-love, this line they can't even comprehend nor define. and i love how you written it so beautifully, that you communicate the intensity and depth of this relationship but aggression, tension, and hurt.

LOVED YOU AT YOUR WORST - r.c series - FIVE

pairings: ex!sweethearts; rafe x thornton!reader; rafe x sofia. chapter warnings: mention of pregnancy; abortion; lack of self-care

You’ve had to make a lot of unfortunate decisions in your life.

Choosing a place for your entire family to rest for eternity, picking the caskets, the headstones—it felt like deciding which curtains to buy for the house, except you were burying your entire close family.

After the crash, your parents were gone instantly, just like that—no goodbyes, no warning, just there one moment and gone the next.

But your sister survived. Three days. You thought maybe that was a sign, she’d live despite everything, and you wouldn’t be left alone.

Two weeks later, the doctors told you it was time, but you couldn’t accept it. You held her hand, begging her to stay, telling her every promise you could think of if she opened her eyes.

When the monitors finally went flat, you couldn’t feel anything but desperation. Rafe had to pull you out of there, his arms locked around you while you kicked and screamed, sobbing and begging your sister not to go, not to leave you here.

You fought him with everything you had left, clawing, crying, pleading for just one more second. You were screaming so loud you didn’t even recognize your voice. Everything good had been ripped away from your hands, there was nothing left of the world you’d known.

After that, you remember sitting in some stuffy funeral home office, skimming through catalogs and hardly seeing the pages through your tears. The caskets all looked the same, the types of wood made no difference to you, fabric linings, all of it felt so wrong. 

None of it was a choice you should have to make. 

It was unthinkable to be contemplating about gravestones. How could you sum up your family in limited words or dates, let alone choose a font for it?

You just picked something neutral and blank, something that didn’t require thought or emotion because, by then, you had nothing left to give. 

Now you were trapped again, caught between a rock and a hard place.

Your first thought had been telling Topper, your only real family left, but he was as much Rafe’s as he was yours, and when it came down to it, he was still his best friend. Loyal to him since they were five, and jesus knows how he’d react if he found out about this. He’d most likely freak the fuck out and tell Rafe everything, thinking he was doing the right thing, or worse, letting it slip to Ruthie.

Ruthie—no chance you’d involve her. She’d just see this as another fucked up piece of gossip she could hold over your head, another way to judge or control you. She was “friend” only in the loosest sense of the word.

Kelce was the last person you’d consider turning to for something this serious. He has always been there, but you never got close. He was too much of an instigator, always pushing Rafe to do reckless things he’d regret later, peer pressuring him in ways that made you wonder if he even knew what loyalty meant. He had this weird loyalty to Ruthie, defending her comments as if she was some misunderstood angel when really, she was just… mean.

So that left Sarah. 

It felt weird, thinking of her as the person you’d call on for something so serious, she was the only one who felt… safe. She wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t pry, she’d seen what the worst kind of family conflict could do, and she’d keep this private, just for you.

It’s then you recognized how small your world was. How few people were truly yours.

You were pretty sure no one in this town would fully understand, they’d just offer their "advice," as if they knew you, seen what you’d been through. 

The truth was, they didn’t know shit. They hadn't seen you holding your sister’s hand, begging her to stay alive. They didn’t know what it was like to bury everything that made you feel like a person, like you belonged somewhere, and have to get up the next day like nothing happened.

Nine days, you would be halfway across the country, and you needed someone. You pictured saying it out loud: “I’m pregnant", just those two words, to someone’s face, you had no idea what to say next.

Maybe you’d tell them that it wasn’t about wanting it gone out of spite or shame, but because you couldn’t bring a child into a world where you felt this alone.

Earlier that morning, you’d stared down at your phone, thumb itching to click on Sarah’s name, like just pressing "call" could fix everything. You despised how needy it made you feel—reaching out, when you’d prided yourself on surviving alone. 

You didn’t have much time to ponder about it, because you were stuck at the beach cleanup.

Just like every other summer, another "social responsibility" event that your late father’s foundation insisted you smile through. Even back then, when they were alive, your summers were a carousel of charity galas, fundraisers, endless hours of small talk, and impeccably arranged seating charts.

The board members of the foundation probably thought it would “ground” you—remind you of your privilege, of your “responsibility” to give back. As if a couple of hours and a few bags of garbage would somehow balance the scales. They never seemed to understand how much of it was all for show, this shallow idea that if you looked the part, no one would care to learn more.

But, still, you’d show up. You always did. Smile, make just enough small talk to appease the right people. 

Today, it was just you, a few kids and teens dotted along the beach with oversized trash bags. It wasn’t even noon, but the sun felt like it was scorching you alive. It was laughable, really, standing under this blistering sun with a cheap trash bag and an endless stretch of sand to clean. 

Kie, who was so genuinely invested in this whole “save the planet” thing it was almost enviable was there too with JJ, who was running around her as usual, wearing his ‘I’m just here for the ride’ expression but enjoying himself. The love between them made you miss having someone who cared in ways that weren’t just calculated moves.

She waved at you from the shoreline, her eyes moving to the trash bag you were barely half-filling.

You weren’t friends, but if Sarah liked her, you did too.

You offered a faint smile back, tired, because between all the shit you’d been thinking about, you'd forgotten to eat, to drink anything, and every time you leaned down to grab another crumpled plastic bottle or a bit of seaweed-laden garbage, you felt like your legs were about to give out on you. 

Every now and then, she would throw a quick, appraising glance your way, like she was expecting you to miraculously become invested in the beach’s ecosystem.

You didn’t have it in you to pretend this was enjoyable today. The “effortless” philanthropy your family loved was a lifestyle you’d never bought into. It didn’t matter how many smiling photos of you had ended up on some charity’s social media—you knew you’d rather be anywhere else.

You had to take a break every few minutes, leaning against a pier post, trying to get yourself together as a few of the younger kids gave you wary glances. You could have left—probably should have.

You managed a tight-lipped smile, giving a thumbs-up that said, Just doing great over here, guys!

You were in a long t-shirt, which hung over your bikini and shorts, the fabric slightly oversized, to help hide what was still a small change in your body. Paranoia was your new best friend, always worrying that someone would notice something different, even if you didn’t have a noticeable bump yet.

Bending down to grab another plastic bottle, you felt a stab of nausea hit you hard, rolling up from your stomach, thick and sour, but you ignored it. Not here. Not now.

You straightened up too fast, and your vision blurred slightly, that familiar sense of vertigo hitting you. You took a shallow breath, ignoring the burn at the back of your throat, your hands shaking slightly as you adjusted the bag slung over your shoulder.

One girl looked up at you with these wide eyes kids like to pull, “Are you okay?” 

You smiled, brushing it off as if you weren’t about two seconds away from collapsing. “Of course. Just... need a second.” 

The kids were watching you again, with that look of curiosity. You couldn’t look them in the eye. It wasn’t their fault. They just didn’t understand that sometimes the grown-ups didn’t know what they were doing either. 

Just a few more bags of trash and you’d be able to get back to your car, maybe grab some water from the cooler in the trunk, sit down, and think about it.

This used to be easy, you got a weird kind of enjoyment from these cleanups, running around with your sister, making it a competition to see who could pick up the most trash, laughing until your stomachs hurt over stupid jokes about jellyfish and sunscreen. Back then, this was just one of a thousand little family traditions, one of those things that felt effortless.

Now, sweat dripped down the back of your neck, making your skin prickle uncomfortably.

You’d long given up wiping it away, knowing that it would only come back thicker and hotter the next second. Every instinct told you to run off to the parking lot, and sit in the car with the AC blasting until your body remembered it didn’t hate you.

Leaning down for one last bottle wedged in the sand, your legs wobbled and gave way beneath you. Just like that, your vision was spotty, as if someone had turned down the brightness on the entire beach, and you pitched forward.

Just as you felt yourself going down, a hand caught your arm, pulling you back up.

"Whoa, whoa, you okay?" A teenage boy, maybe sixteen, gripped your arm firmly, keeping you upright.

How much longer could they realistically expect you to go on, plastering on that sweet, dutiful smile? How much “grounding” could one person take?

You blinked, trying to clear the haze in your eyes, "I’m fine. Just a little lightheaded, really, it’s fine,” you insisted, but then a shadow loomed beside you. 

Your vision was so foggy that it took seconds for you to register it.

You looked up slowly, feeling a familiar drop in your stomach as you realized who it was.

The last time you’d been this close to him, the two of you had been screaming insults across the room, Lily having to physically step in. She’d forced him to leave before you two killed each other. It was a miracle you hadn’t punched him then and there.

 “You should sit down.”

It felt like a sidekick to your chest.

The sound of his voice was grinding on your nerves, and just like that you were stuck back in your dream, a real memory, leaning against him, his hand playing with a strand of your hair as he laughed at something you’d said, the two of you carefree under a golden sunset. 

Except this was real.

Rafe was shirtless, with his board tucked under one arm, surf wax staining his fingers, and the sun glinting off his damp skin, like he was God’s gift to the Outer Banks. His buzzed hair was dark and wet, droplets trailing down his temples and catching along his jawline. His cheeks were flushed, a little red from the heat.

You looked away, somewhere over his shoulder, anywhere but at him, refusing to let him see you in this fragile state.

“Go away. I’m fine.”

But he didn’t move.

He’d been summoned from your absolute worst memories, catching you at your lowest when you least wanted his help. Typical. 

“No,” he refused firmly, with that stupid, stubborn look that made you want to throw something at his head. “I’ve seen you almost fall three times now.”

“Maybe if you stopped looking at me like a creep, you wouldn’t have to see me ‘almost fall.”

“I wasn’t—"

You grounded your teeth, “Just go back to surfing.”

Rafe let out a dry laugh, shaking his head as if you were the one acting crazy. “Yeah, 'cause you look perfectly stable right now.”

He'd always been a master of the passive-aggressive half-sneer, the art of making you feel like everyone else was imposing on his day, no matter the situation.

“Don’t act like you care.” you snapped, voice carrying over the sand, earning a few glances from nearby kids.

He ran a hand over his face, looking around as if he didn’t want to be there any more than you did, mouth pressed into a tight line. You wanted to scream that this was his fault too, that every choice he’d made led to you standing here alone, exhausted, and terrified.

“Water would help, y’know”, his tone just shy of patronizing “You can’t go around dehydrating yourself just to make a point.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Your fingers twitched with the urge to send him stumbling to the other side of the beach, you knew that any sudden movement would make you light-headed again, and the last thing you wanted was to give him more proof of your weakness.

The kid—still standing there, eyes wide and darting between you both—looked like he was watching a reality TV show when Kiara appeared at your side.

“Let’s not do this here,” she begged under her breath, handing you a bottle of water she’d brought over, a kindness you didn’t want but couldn’t reject. “Just sit down for a second, please?”

JJ followed, always with that air of easygoing nonchalance, but his eyes were serious as he glanced from you to Rafe.

“She’s right. Just take a second, yeah?” He looked over at Rafe, “Maybe you should leave,” he said pointedly.

“Maybe you should mind your fuckin’ business Maybank.”

“Look, uh,” the kid stammered, knowing he could get caught in the crossfire. “I’ll… I’ll go see if anyone needs help further down the beach…”

You waved him off, your focus still locked on Rafe as the kid all but bolted away, you didn’t want anyone to think they had to “rescue” you.

You tried to take a step back, but the little strength you had in you disappeared as you felt your knees wobble.

"Jesus," you heard him groan, and then his hands were on your arms, board on the sand, holding you as you stumbled. "I told you to sit down."

You shook his hands off, "Don’t tell me what to do.”

It was hard to believe the two of you had once burned hotter than any bonfire, two people who got under each other’s skin, in love, and in hate.

He let out an exasperated sigh while you took a sip from the water Kiara handed you, ignoring how your hands were still shaking around the bottle. 

She spoke again, trying to be the voice of reason, "We’re here to help the community, remember?"

JJ smirked, "Yeah, think the sea turtles are rooting for y’all to work out your issues somewhere else.”

You ignored his joke, keeping your eyes on Rafe, your pride and stubbornness refusing to let him win, “I’m fine.”

“Yeah?”

He looked you over, his gaze fixed to your warm cheeks and the dewy sheen across your temple, “You look real fine, don’t you?” He didn’t even try to cloak his sarcasm.

God, he could be so exasperating.

He couldn’t understand. How could he even think he could look at you now and know anything about who you were? Standing there, with that stupid board and that look, like he couldn’t imagine anything bothering him as much as this seemed to be bothering you.

As if he hadn’t already ruined you in so many ways that felt impossible to get over. 

“Don’t you have something better to do?” 

“Oh, believe me, I do,” he drawled, his eyes trailing from the waves back to you. 

You were tired of this game, of fighting him every time he showed up only to leave you feeling even emptier than before.

Your fists clenched, and you opened your mouth to hurl something back, but the dizziness hit you again. Before you could compose yourself, Rafe’s arm wrapped around your waist, strong and frustratingly secure, holding you upright with an ease that made your skin crawl.

He had seen you at your weakest, had been there at the hospital after the accident, keeping you together when you were certain you’d break. 

Yet, here you were, in a sick way, back in his arms, all broken apart.

“That’s it. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“I hate to say it, but he’s right,” JJ chimed in, hand shielding his eyes from the sun.

The world alone had all kinds of alarms going off in your brain. You fought back instinctively, your hands pushing at his chest, freeing your arm. 

“I told you, I’m fine.”

He let go, but he didn’t back away.

Instead, he narrowed his eyes, “You think I don’t know what fine looks like? I was there.”

He was there. And you didn’t want to be reminded of it, not in front of other people. 

He meant the exhaustion and hunger pains you’d welcomed after your family was gone, embraced even, because it meant you wouldn’t have to feel anything else.

You’d wanted to disappear, and he’d been there—dragging you back, forcing you to drink water and swallow bites of food, even when you pushed him away. He’d seen you at your absolute lowest, where you didn’t care if you made it through the day. 

The thought of the hospital, tests, questions, you fought it, but your vision was already blurring.

You couldn’t let him find out about the baby. 

Your breathing felt tighter, each shallow breath only making the spinning worse, you could sense your body giving in to the exhaustion

“Shit,” you heard him curse, sounding distant now like he was farther away. 

You felt yourself sway as if the ground was opening beneath you, there was a ringing in your ears that made his voice sound muffled but you still felt his arms catching you again, holding you upright before you fell.

Waking up in a moving vehicle was like emerging from a nightmare, except somehow, this was worse, because you were no longer at the beach. 

You blinked hard, desperate to wipe the fogginess in your eyes and when it did go away, you realized who was behind the wheel. 

Rafe. 

Your heart pounded—your desperation to keep the baby a secret, how you almost passed out at the beach, and the fact that now he was most likely driving you to the hospital.

“What the hell are you doing?” you practically screamed, your voice hoarse from the lack of water.

He didn’t spare you a glance, “You passed out, genius. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Your whole body went rigid. “Are you insane?”

“Me?” He scoffed, as he kept his focus on the road. “You practically ate sand back there. You’re not fine.”

“Turn the car around. I’ll call my driver and be fine.” You huffed like he was too dumb to understand. “I don’t need your help.”

He let out a dry laugh, still not looking at you. 

“Yeah. You’re out of your mind if you think I’m letting you out of this car right now.”

“Rafe, I’m not kidding,” you warned, louder this time. “Stop. The. Car.”

He gave you a sideways glance, his grip on the wheel tightening.

“Not happening.”

Your heart hammered as you realized he wasn’t going to back down, you were driven by sheer desperation.

“Fine, then I’ll do it myself." you muttered, reaching for the door handle. 

Anything to get out of this suffocating car before he dragged you all the way to the ER and they found out you were pregnant—with his baby, no less.

His eyes widened, finally snapping from the road to your hand on the handle.

“Are you crazy? Get your hand off that, I’m fuckin' serious.”

You yanked at it anyway, twisting the handle and pulling with spiteful defiance, and Rafe’s expression went from annoyed to full-on rage. He swerved the car to the side of the road, tires skidding as he slammed the brakes and practically threw the car into park.

Before he could even stop fully, you flung the door open and stumbled out, sandals sinking into the gravel as you stalked away.

You didn’t get more than a few feet, he was already bolting after you.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” you muttered, digging your nails into your palms. 

How the hell had it come to this? You were stuck here, pregnant with his child, and he played the reluctant hero like you needed him swooping in to save you.

Rafe reached you in two strides, his fingers were digging into his forehead, pointing at it with exasperation imprinted into every corner of his face. 

“Are you out of your fuckin' mind?” He sounded like he was talking to some unruly child.

And the worst part? You could see that frustration in his eyes, the same look he used to give you when he’d reached his limit with you.

You wondered if he ever got to that point with Sofia.

What would he do if she was the one almost fainting? Would he still look like she was some colossal burden, or would he soften, maybe even smile as he fussed over her, acting like he wanted to help?

You hated yourself for caring at all.

Sofia—the one who looked like she'd been ripped off from some perfect postcard, all wide-eyed sweetness and gentle smiles. She probably never challenged him, snapped back, or made him want to pull his hair out.

There was no way he’d look at her like she was a mess, someone he just had to “deal with.” He likely saw her as easy, perfect, all soft and sweet words, everything you weren’t.

This wasn’t who you wanted to be, and yet here you were, stumbling around half-dead and pregnant with his child.

“I’m sorry, am I bothering you?” You spat the words, watching his jaw clench tighter. 

He exhaled sharply, rolling his eyes. 

“Unbelievable. Only you could take me trying to help and turn it into this.”

You were done. You were done with the memories, with the torment of seeing him be something better for someone else. 

“Help?” You laughed bitterly, the anger engulfing you so hard it felt as if it choking you. “You think this is help? That I need you, of all people?”

He took a step back, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I'm trying to help."

You hated how calm he was, how rational he sounded.

It was maddening when all you wanted was for him to get angry, to let that icy surface crack, to give you even a glimpse of something real, something that wasn’t just irritation or sarcasm.

You wanted proof that he still was affected by you, that this was the same guy who used to be everything, who’d promised you everything.

But you swallowed it down, straightening up, because there was no way in hell, you’d let him see even a hint of weakness.

“Trust me,” you shot back, “I’ll be just fine without you.”

He raised an eyebrow, a bitter smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, “Get in the car.”

“No,” you said, firm and unyielding, every inch of you screaming that you wouldn’t let him decide anything for you ever again.

“Fine. Have it your way.”

In one swift move, he reached out, his hands gripping your arms with enough pressure to pull you forward, lifting you clean off your feet. Your breath caught in a furious gasp as he practically dragged you back to the car, his fingers warm against your skin, like you were just a mild convenience. 

“Put me down!” 

You struggled against his hold, jabbing at his chest with what little strength you could muster, but he didn’t even flinch, didn’t so much as hesitate. 

“Rafe, I swear—”

He opened the passenger door with one hand, keeping a firm grip on you with the other, before finally setting you down—not gently—onto the seat. Without meaning to, tears began falling as you struggled against his hands. You could feel them wetting your cheeks, your voice was breaking, jumping to distress as you tried to twist out of his hold, feeling so small under his unrelenting strength.

He almost knelt in front of you, reaching for the seat belt with one hand, while his other remained firmly on your shoulder, holding you still. You felt trapped, impresioned as you tried to turn in every direction, hands weakly pushing him back, but he caught them effortlessly.

“Stop!” you meekly choked out, failing to shove him, the words coming out shameful.

You could feel your heart breaking all over again.

You hated that he was seeing you like this, how he dared to act like you needed him—it made your skin crawl. You hated that he could do this, like he had any right like you’d ever wanted him involved in this part of your life, let alone now.

This was a version of you only Rafe could bring out.

You glared up at him, practically shaking with rage as Rafe ignored your protests like you were nothing more than a child throwing a fit. 

“Get your hands off me.”

His jaw tightened, ignoring the flailing punches and slaps grazing him, and you couldn’t stop the sob that escaped, loud and ugly.

“I’m not letting you kill yourself out of spite.”

Your chest hurt like you’d been run over a hundred times—it felt suffocating. “I hate you.”

For the first time, you thought he might actually leave you here. 

His fingers stopped as if your words had made an impact, his lips pressed into a thin line. Your vision blurred as he leaned in, his touch hovering as if to wipe away the tear running down your cheek, but he didn’t, instead, he closed his hand into a fist and drew back, his face just inches from yours. 

A faint, humorless smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he clicked the seatbelt into place. He made a low humming noise, that thing he did when he was getting ready to make someone feel two inches tall. 

 "Yeah? Get in line."

Without another word, he pulled back, slamming the door shut, and walking around to the driver’s side.

You wiped at your cheeks, furious that he’d seen you like this, that he had the power to break you down. It was humiliating, sitting here in his car, every part of your body screaming to escape. 

He got in, started the engine, neither of you spoke.

Rafe drove fast, every rev of the engine matching the churning in your stomach perfectly. You sat there, trembling, the dread building with every mile that passed. You gripped the seatbelt so hard it felt like your entire body might go numb, and stared straight ahead, breathing shallow, trying to ignore the sting in your eyes.

You bit back another wave of nausea. Weakness.

You’d already shown him too much. 

You didn’t need a lecture from some doctor on how you “should’ve taken better care of yourself", let alone with Rafe there, watching, scrutinizing, acting like this was his business when he’d made it clear long ago that it wasn’t. He was in your space in the worst way, reopening all the wounds.

You were seething. He had no right to do this.

The thought made you want to drop dead—doctor would walk in, casually drop the news about the baby, and you'd be left watching his reaction in real time.

You looked at the entrance to the ER. The vision of anyone running tests, of some well-meaning nurse, coming in and spilling everything about the baby in front of him—no way. You wouldn’t let that happen.

He wasted no time getting out, moving around to your side, while you sat rigidly, staring straight ahead. His hand was already on the door, yanking it open, looking down at you like he was ready to drag you inside if he had to.

You weren’t moving. You knew the second you stepped inside, it would be over. 

“C’mon,” Rafe pressed, his hand outstretched, hovering there like he thought he could compel you to listen. “Stop being so stubborn.”

You crossed your arms over your stomach, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I’m not going in.”

Rafe let out a sigh, nearing his limit, and knelt down to your level.

“Look, you passed out. I’m not leaving until you get checked out.”

“You’re gonna be here for a while then.”

“Would you stop?” His voice softened for the first time, as if he was trying to reach some part of you that he thought still cared. “You look like you haven’t slept in days, like you haven’t eaten anything that wasn’t out of a vending machine. I know you don’t want my help, but can you just stop for a second and—”

“And what?” you interrupted.

“And think! If you don’t get in there, I’ll drag you in myself.”

Your heart raced, “You wouldn’t dare.”

Rafe stepped closer; his jaw set in determination. “Try me.”

“You’re not coming in."

He blinked like the idea hadn’t even occurred to him. “What?”

Maybe he was seeing the protection you’d built up around yourself since he left, how there was no longer any crack left open for him to slip through.

“I don’t need you. I don’t want you in there.”

“Fine.” His tone was clipped, restrained. “But I’ll be right here.”

You slammed the door shut behind you, not letting him your legs still shaking. You’d rather collapse face-first into the concrete than give him the satisfaction of listening to him. 

“Yeah, you do that,” you replied, turning and walking toward the entrance, refusing to look back.

Stepping inside, you felt a slight tremor run through you—part relief, part panic. The lights were too bright, almost white. Your heart wobbled, replaying how he’d been such a fucking asshole to you.

You’d forgotten how mean he could be, how easily he could go from angry to something so frigid it made you want to cry yourself to sleep.

“Hi there,” The receptionist greeted, her eyes moving over you with a professional once-over, “What brings you in today?”

You forced a small smile, knowing she wouldn’t buy it.

“Just…got a little dehydrated, that’s all.”

“Okay…let’s just get some basic information.” She clicked into her computer, her fingers poised over the keyboard. “Name?”

You cleared your throat, rattling off your full name, she nodded, typing it in.

“Have you experienced any other symptoms besides dizziness?”

“Nothing serious,” you replied, dismissively. “It’s just the heat, like I said. I just need some water and I’ll be good as new.”

This had to be a fucking nightmare you got sucked in, you could sense your blood pressure spike.

She tapped her screen and glanced back at you.

“Alright, Miss Thornton, it looks like we’ll just need a few quick details here to get you all checked in. Can I start with your insurance provider?”

A chuckle almost slipped out of you. Insurance—God, you were fine with insurance. What you weren’t okay with was everything else. You answered, “Blue Cross.”

She asked for your birthdate, which you gave on autopilot, hoping she’d skip any weird or invasive questions. “Any allergies?”

You shook your head. Please, just let this be over. 

“It’s really not a big deal,” You blurted out, giving her a thin smile and forcing calm into your voice. “I just need the IV. You know, standard stuff.”

“Of course, dear. We’ll get things started, it will include routine tests, like bloodwork, just to be safe.”

Bloodwork. Perfect. You were doing everything you could to keep from falling into that spiraling panic mode. 

Please, just get me in, get me out, and don’t find anything.

“Just head down to Room 12.”

All you could think was that you wanted this to be over—before the whole town, or worse, he, found out. It made you want to scream. He was the last person who should be outside.

This was his fault. You’d never be here if he hadn’t shown up.

The next hour passed in seconds—questions, forms, an IV drip.

They’d done blood work, too, but you’d sighed in relief when they’d told you the results wouldn’t be ready immediately. As far as they knew, you’d just overdone it, and now, as you lay on a cot in a room that reeked of sick people, all they’d prescribed was rest, hydration, and food.

When the nurse asked if anyone could pick you up, the thought of calling someone, asking them to see you like this, made you delirious. You didn’t need anyone; you were perfectly fine on your own.

But you also didn’t want Rafe and his delusional ass to barge through the doors.

The nurse moved around you awkwardly, eyes still expectant, as if you were just a button away from a reliable “someone” to come running.

You looked at her, controlling the compulsion to yell. Little people ever bothered to check on you, to show up for more than just the drama or gossip.

Out of them, only one face bounced around in your head.

“Yeah, I got someone.”

TAGLIST: @maybankslover @october-baby25 @haruvalentine4321 @hopelesslydevoted2paige @rafebb @rafesbby @whytheylosttheirminds

@zyafics @astarlights @bruher @nosebeers @carrerascameron @serrendiipty @sunny1616

@yootvi @ditzyzombiesblog @psychocitylights @maibelitaaura @kiiyomei

@stoned-writer @justafangirls-blog-deactivated2

@starkeygirlposts @enjoymyloves @ijustwanttoreadlols @icaqttt

[bacchuschucklefuck]

What about sorcerer Adaine? It'd keep the way her parents treated her consistent because of in that case they'd see her having the easy way of casting instead of studying to be a "proper" caster

this is a great idea!! the only reason why I'm not gonna pick it up is bc I've already locked down sorcerer for kristen haha

[minakoaiinos]

Me when I think my dad is cool and admirable

[nightmare8-420]

i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.

[h-doodles]

boy the sudden outpour of angst ideas for larissa weems x reader in my brain got me weeping so bad i feel a fever coming on

[anotheruntitledsong]

i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty

[coloursofaparadox]

💙💙💙

[zemnarihah]

hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

[todayisafridaynight]

LIKEWISE I hope you enjoy the upcoming releases too and that the price tag on Gaiden's worth it! I know personally I'll enjoy them regardless lol, the worldwide releases have been Particularly Rough on localization but these have still been some of my favorite games. Sorry in advance for I will be the one saying unnecessary things (as I often am) though </3

Speaking of, I'm glad you're enjoying Kyouen!! Once Again I wish I didn't have Goldfish Memory so I could actually discuss but :) always look forward to your reviews :)

i wouldnt ever say anythin you say is unnecessary when you always have a lot of insight and purpose to what you say ♪(´▽｀)

AND YAYA im really enjoyin kyouen ! you were absolutely right in everyone being petty as hell LMAO im living for it tho (￣y▽￣)

[scattered-winter]

sometimes I feel like a ghost in my own house and I also feel like a fucking casualty of my family's religious beliefs and tbh it would be really really great if I could. not feel like that.

[smol-bean-of-the-smols]

sometimes i think about how whatever my brain does makes me unable/unwilling to return to old media that used to affect me because of the likelihood of it affecting me again

[voxxian]

I'm so happy to see that there's some activity here, you kind off disappeared all of the sudden and was so worried. I hope that you're doing well and just know that there's still people who care about you here in Summerfield 💗

- Stephany

hey stephany. sorry the activity you see on here isn't from me being active, is from my pre-set queue that just runs without me. this is my first time logging in and seeing this. i actually logged in to prewrite a farewell to life note for future posting when it's time to actually post it (which i guess i won't do right now since i saw your message) so seeing this was actually shocking. im really sorry i did that, after that whole fight i got into with my dad everything kind of came crashing down and ever since i have just been in a really bad dark place struggling with my mental and physical health (which the physical health is destroying my mental health) and that coupled with recent events has had me like over the top suicidal

it's really sweet that you even bothered to message me, especially since i have absolutely nobody to talk to and no friends for various reasons some of it due to my shitty failures amongst other things.

i have always had a really bad relationship with sticking around and stuff because of my upbringing and right now im struggling very hard in life and i just don't want anyone to see that. i am really really unstable, i have next to no support, my finances came crashing down on me a month ago and my car is breaking down while im in the negatives, and i am in a state of being suicidal like 24/7 and i just feel like i can't talk to anyone. my body right now is ruined and it's affecting my employment and my relationship with just about everyone is non-existent besides literally 1 person and life is just really really really difficult. im still considering ending it, because i just don't think the suffering that's been getting worse and worse the last ten years will stop tbh. nothing is looking up. everything is just getting worse and worse and worse and im really close to a breaking point

i don't want to get all dramatic on my blog that i literally am never on but since you even bothered writing i feel like i owe you an explanation for my (unjustified) behavior and disappearance

it means a lot to me still that you've reached out and even bothered to check on me. even in the midst of all this hell it really does mean something special to me. i didn't even think anyone cared. usually the people i talk to disappear on me or just show me through words and actions that they don't want to be a friend to me or, in some cases, just don't want to be a real friend, so i just thought i did everyone (including myself) a favor by disappearing from the world because normally people are just fine and really don't care about me and i just become a thing of the past. it's crazy to my mind that you even still think about me because i feel like i was nobody to even care about after leaving.