#so. functionally no insurance
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the extremely american-with-no-health-insurance dance of "this hurts yeah but it's not so bad that i need to see a doctor about it" "but like 20 minutes ago you were lying on the floor on the verge of tears" "yeah but its fine. i have. ibuprofen."
#i do have insurance but its medicaid from my home state which means no one will take it here#so. functionally no insurance
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I attempted to ask my parents if I could go to therapy last night because I suspect that I may have undiagnosed ADHD.
My Dad scoffed, as if annoyed, and said “If anyone has difficulty doing anything nowadays it’s because of some mental something or other.”
- Says the man who I’ve suspected for years to be an undiagnosed autistic or other sort of neurodivergent. (Not that I’d ever say that aloud because God forbid.)
And I was so stunned and hurt that I all of my points/arguments left my brain.
Just- imagine being so close yet so far away from the POINT.
And my Mom was hardly any better. She shut me down by saying how “everyone struggles to focus on things they’re not interested in,” and “Well that’s part of your Asperger’s!”
… This is exactly why I’ve grown to HATE being a so-called “high functioning” autistic person. Any time I bring up wanting to go to therapy for unrelated issues it gets either brushed off or forgotten about because I’m “high functioning” and I don’t externalize my mental health symptoms like my sibling does (and therefore it isn’t an embarrassment or inconvenience) so it isn’t an issue and I must be fine.
Maybe I should just explode. Drink. Smoke something. Scream. Break some shit. Let my grades drop. THEN could I get some therapy? (Not that I would ever actually do any of that but sometimes I feel like that’s what it would take for my parents to take me seriously when I say I’m not ok.)
-Anyway. Just figured if anywhere would have people who understand this experience, it would be on Tumblr.
#neurodivergent#high functioning autism#autism#aspergers#autistic#autistic adult#actually autistic#autistic artist#undiagnosed adhd#?#istg I hate the ‘high functioning’ label so much.#it isn’t real and all it does is block people from getting help#Also just a disclaimer: I’m 20 soon to be 21 but only work part time#and am living with my parents while in college#and I’m on my family’s healthcare plan insurance wise#so I’m still super reliant on my parents financially and that’s why I asked THEM about therapy instead of arranging it myself.
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Oh yeah, so turns out I DIDNT flunk my 2 classes my last semester I took (spring 2023). I got a C and a D. Which normally a D wouldn't be passing, but bc it's not a prerequisite for anything, my advisor is making an exception for it. WHICH MEANS I only have 8 classes left to take before I graduate. Since my life insurance money will cover all my living expenses for A While, I'm not gonna look for another job and instead will just focus on studying and finishing my degree. 1 class in the summer, 3 classes in fall, and 4 classes in spring. Assuming I don't crash and burn again (which I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent), I should be able to graduate college by spring 2025.
10 years after I first started college. I should've graduated in 2019. But better late than never. So long as I do finish, it will be okay.
#speculation nation#i fully thought i failed my classes that last semester. i crashed and burned bc of a variety of reasons#and i ended up on academic probation. so i ASSUMED i failed.#but apparently not!!! yay!!!#i gotta make sure i do as good as possible in my remaining classes to make sure my GPA isnt ass by the end#it's at 2.95 right now. so long as im above a 3 it wont be too bad for job prospects.#not as good as a 3.5 but i dont care about being in a swanky tech job anyways#so long as it's something Functional. something that will let me live comfortably. thats what matters.#this life insurance payout really is life changing huh. i hate that things happened like this#but im so grateful he had this in place. this will be indispensable for letting me finally finish. Finally.
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dear god i hope taking my proper dose of meds makes me feel just an ounce more joy than i do now
#it’s a 3 month supply so i shld be on insurance atp and wont have to worry abt paying or cutting up the doses#ive been in the trenches the past few months for Reasons and ive been on meds for a decade i really thought they didnt do shit#but im wondering. or hoping rather. if i’m mistaken#perhaps that’s part of why it’s gotten SO bad.#but i don’t remember it being this bad in the months i was off meds completely while switching them. so. i dont know#maybe a placebo effect will happen at least#idk i cant live like this anymore. el oh el. ive always been massively depressed but i cld function#ive ceased to do even that these past few months#whatever. im so hyped up on nic and coffee rn#and the emotional damage house md is doing to me but that’s beside the point#i feel likr im going fucking insane. a shred of calm please im begging. urgently. so i dont completely burn out and kms
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had like 1 free day spent it hollow knighting and also applying for insurance and replacing card and getting new sim card. looked at the post i made abt like...research and stuff (the one w the video) and i literally do not recall writing it bc i was like blackout drunk when i made it. anyway im ok but i need to Do Things i want more time to Do Things !!
#i missed it sm ....#i truly needed bc ive been so exhausted recently that i felt like...blunted mentally almost? like i couldnt think clearly or function etc#like even simple problems were taking too much effort to solve. and i think i just needed a break. anyways#got super drunk lost phone n wallet in uber who then someone stole but its alright bc insurance yay#anyway i have to travel again tmrw which is not good i truly need a few moments to be productive outside of research#like i need to code and also do my uni work but like...literally quite literally No Time ! and my laptops battery died recently#which actually hinders me sm bc working on like...free moments like in trains or cafes is no longer an option#i need a high wattage plug socket available at all times to use laptop#anyways despite all that im kinda content.#also having a cat helps a lot#anyway hollow knight is rly good even tho sometimes i have skill issues !
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#extremely discouraged#I was getting help with insurance navigator person#and she was super helpful#we finished the application and I asked if there’s a way to see my info before I get my card#she asked if I want to see a doctor soon and I’m like I mean yeah but I’m waiting to start my case management#she pauses#and then tells me that the medical assistance I signed up for doesn’t include case management?????????????#lol okie dokie got it#and then she tells me all these websites and organizations I can go to file a disability#and telling me about these long applications I have to fill out#girl I can barely get out of my bed do you really think I’m able to sit down and fill out a 200 page form#seriously feel like the only option I have to actually get HELP is going to the emergency room#fun fact I almost went last night - SI thoughts were hitting me hard#but what always always stops me is the money…. my parents are already struggling#and me not working is not helping them at all#dad sent me this full time position literally at the place I’m going for day treatment and I was so confused#first of all I don’t think they’d let a patient work the front desk?? also how am I going to fit full time and this program in#especially when I barely can function and do basic shit (he doesn’t know how bad my SI thoughts were or have been but still)#I’m just bitching now I’m sorry#I need to do my laundry but now I have no energy or motivation to do anything#want to lay on the couch and through on a show and just chill there the entire day#wrapping myself up in my tortilla blankie so I’ll be a sad burrito :(#shut up rosie
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i'm just personally really fucking annoyed that i'm not allowed to arrange my life around my fic-writing schedule
#like i was just getting into it#and now you want me to go to bed?#so i can function for the job that provides me health insurance and rent and money for groceries?#very rude.
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chemically i feel like i should be allowed to equalise ive suffered enough
#equalise how lol#not to be cringe and wax poetic or whatever bc woe is me and woe is like a constant state#but the lines in my face just look really sad ?????#like you know how people have laughter lines or smile lines dimples and stuff ?#im envious bc mine just look like exhaustion sadness and alot of ahem ragrets#i Didnt think id make it this far#i used to function on spite but i have nothing to fight for anymore because i just dont think its worth it?#it sucks#bitch where did you go huh#anyway therapy is expensive#and so is insurance#and insurance doesnt often cover mental health much in my country soooo#fuck us huh#BASICALLY i really fuckin hate myself but that is absolutely nothing new#i hate myself to the point that i think about killing myself once a week which is alot i think but i dont act on it bc im aware of what#that does to people
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I am so fucking miserable
#i cant keep living like this#i want to sh so bad rn#dying would solve all my problems#the problem is my top and probably most lethal method could result in like lost limbs if i fail#the more and more desperate i get though the less i care because i just need it to work#i can't do that to my family tho. they would be sad.#im such a burden on them tho#my depression is getting so bad that i can barely even function#i often feel the need to like escape whatever situation im in#it feels like the only way to stop feeling so miserable is to die#i can't take this anymore#43 days self-harm free but i could really use the distraction and the pain right now#ugh maybe my therapist was right when she mentioned going back to the hospital#at least then i wouldn't be expected to do all these things and act normal#i feel like i need to get through this weekend and then if im still feeling this way and insurance hasnt approved the ketamine#then i should consider hospital#but i have to go to philly for my twin sister's graduation. i am so happy for her and all but it's just going to be really hard#with how I've been feeling lately in addition to how graduation just reminds me of all my failures#i was supposed to graduate last weekend. my sister and i were supposed to graduate at the same time#all my friends are graduating too#and im as depressed and hopeless as ever#i dont know what to do#im going to ruin everything if i go but my sister will be upset if im not there#i just dont think i can handle being in philadelphia all weekend
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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Every so often I run face first into examples of just how disgustingly wasteful capitalism is. >:[
Our car got a fist-sized dent in the roof at the start of April. We had a nasty ice storm and a piece fell from a tree and cratered it (kind of scary to imagine if we’d been out there when it fell, too).
It’s right along where the hatchback door lines up with the roof and was starting to leak. So we called the insurance company and took it to a body shop for an estimate.
We heard back today it will be eleven THOUSAND dollars to fix. Because they legally have to replace the roof panel, not just hammer the dent out or something. That costs more than 80% of what the car is worth, so the insurance has declared the car totaled. This is a perfectly functional 2018 vehicle, in otherwise excellent condition. Totaled. Over a single fucking dent. And state laws don’t allow us to insure a totaled vehicle for any reason.
It’s so pointless and fucking wasteful. I hate this. I hate this so much.
#I don’t know where I’m going here other than I’m sick of living under late stage capitalism#the system is so broken#we’d happily take it back with a functional but ugly repair job#but that isn’t allowed apparently#insurance is required to ‘make it whole’#and that means throwing it away for a new one#I hate it I hate it I hate it
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damn y'all work really does got me Tired About Eyeballs
#living the optician in training life#I am literally so tired#human interaction at a new job is especially draining#I know I'll get used to it soon but GODDAMN man#some folks are just so skeezy#no you cannot have free trial contacts when your prescription expired 4 years ago and you haven't even been in for an exam#why not? because you are Stupid and if you fuck something up while wearing the expired prescription and we gave it to you#then your dumb ass will blame us and we will be sued#it may be a prescription for your eyes but IT IS STILL A MEDICAL PRESCRIPTION THAT YOU MUST RECEIVE FROM A DOCTOR#you can't go to your doctor and ask for medicine for an illness you had 4 years ago#so why would you expect different from us?#shit changes in 4 years#the audacity of some if these ignorant entitled fuckos#and we have a really affordable basic deal on an exam and two pairs of eyeglasses!#70 bucks for the whole shebang!#it's almost always better than what insurance covers!#and then people want to get all the add ons and special materials and go full on surprised pikachu face when it's not the same price anymore#they're called add ons because they ADD ON#they are not usually necessary unless you live a certain lifestyle that makes them worth the investment#but if you need something affordable in order to see and function and not end up killing yourself driving#then the basic plan is an insanely good and affordable deal!#i used the very same deal prior to being hired!#i have my main glasses and a whole ass backup pair#and some people just#do not get it#they think they can get something ~special~ or that their insurance just HAS to be better bc it's insurance#please you guys learn to think freely and critically#okay rant over#tate talks#work tales
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takes an expired adderall and remembers how it feels to be happy
#whenever i have insurance/job again i NEED to get back on adhd medicine. boy howdy#my medicine was changed back when i was on it consistently so i have some leftover adderall and theyre old but oh my god#the executive functioning. the ability to enjoy stuff naturally. holy shit. dopamine
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Me: I have all these great plans for Monday! I'm going to get up early to write a story or record a podfic, go to the allergist, bakery, class, and the grocery store...
Also me: *wakes up with a migraine*
#ugh#hopefully its the kind I can still function with and not the kind I'm too brain foggy#I finally tried to make an appointment for my headaches and I couldn't make the appt online#so I called them and they're like ''what? you're not a patient here'' (I was last year 🙄)#so my insurance is going to find me a new doctor in town and get back to me#argh
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Immovable object (my chronic fatigue) vs unstoppable force (my desire to do literally anything other than lie in bed)
#was cooking nonstop for an hour yesterday#then did a bunch of dishes and some cleaning#my body did not appreciate that#i could tell when i was going to bed last night that i overdid it#but today was worse than i thought it would be#btw ive been trying to process my grief or whatever over losing so much of my ability to function over the past year#its not going well#thought a therapist might help but the ones i found and liked dont take my insurance#my last therapist specialized in trauma (was good at helping me process that) but isnt a good listener lol so i need someone else#im not thay motivated to find a new one though tbh#its a hassle and im too exhausted to deal with it#maybe ill save up all these feelings and put it into a fic someday#i talked to a fandom friend once about writing a story about a disabled character so maybe ill actually do that#someday#after i finish sgb#which will be a long time from now#a long long long time#at this rate#its so frustrating to be incapable of doing the things i want to do#especially when those things were within my capabilities not that long ago#i have to chill out about it though because emotions use energy and i have so very little of that to spare#ha ha#ha ha ha ha ha#its all good#we press on
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YouTube short about different generations when they’re sick: *actually kinda funny joke about how Millennials and younger can’t afford healthcare so they just have to tough it out*
Me: Finally, someone pointing this out in a way that’s not condescending towards people my age! I bet the comments are full of people talking about their shitty experiences with the healthcare system, or talking about how difficult it is to find affordable insurance. Let’s go check it out!
First ten or so comments: Ugh, kids these days… they should just get insurance through their jobs. Not like they’ll need it until their 30s anyways.
Me, disabled at age 21 and unable to find a job that will accommodate me, much less provide insurance that will actually cover my needs: *closes YouTube and screams into a pillow*
#like news flash Debra but not only do most entry level/minimum wage jobs not provide any benefits whatsoever#but if they do offer benefits they withhold them for several months to a year to force you to stay with them#only for you to find out that their insurance doesn’t cover literally anything#not to mention most of those jobs simply refuse to accommodate people with disabilities#so like how the fuck is someone like me supposed to get a job like that to begin with#they literally never think about disabled people#I mean they rarely think about anyone but themselves#but they definitely don’t think about young disabled people.#‘get a job that provides insurance’ sure thing just as soon as I can afford the healthcare I’d need to be able to function#oh wait I can’t because I don’t have any fucking insurance#rant post#casual ableism
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